#not me going on forever 😭
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Please share your ideas 🙏🙏🙏 my posts are meant in the most disrespectful manner possible 💪 feel free to add onto them
In that case...
LXC who 'forgot to mention' that his precious uwu baby brother he's always singing the praises of is, well, Like That. ("Oh, by the way, my brother can be kind of intense!" JGY: "Intense?" LXC: "...I'm sure it'll be fine! He'll love you!")
LWJ who just heard "He helped me when I was on the run. He's trying to get acknowledged from his father JGS. I want to help him." And knows Oh Shit He's Serious about this guy (or else why would he tell him anything at all?) But also looking at the situation does not trust MY at all. Thinks MY definitely somehow manipulated his brother, maybe playing the long game, maybe just to get an in with the heir/leader of a powerful sect and oh look it's paid off hasn't it?
MY who is still young and not quite naive. Definitely not unwise to the ways of the world. But hopeful. Wants LXC's family to like him, accept him at least, for the baby's sake if not his own because oh boy! He knows what it's like to be the unwanted child of a Sect Leader! Of course LXC will treat their child well, but will the rest of his family? Will the rest of his sect?
...And Also LXC who knows nothing of what happened with LWJ after he got back to CR while LXC was on the run other than he's married to Su She now (didn't he like Wei Wuxian?) and somehow Su She has some influence now over LWJ and the Sect. LXC assumes LWJ married SMS in some desperate ploy to keep him from being thrown out of the Sect but doesn't know why LWJ cared so much to do that to himself. He's absolutely devastated by this. Probably talks shit about SMS to MY before they've met, like "Su She was just an outer disciple and he wasn't even that good and he must have manipulated my brother into marriage somehow or he would have never settled for him!" And MY has no idea what to do with this because, like, 100% that's how people are going to be thinking about him.
But also! Prior to actually meeting MY, SMS is right there with LWJ on the suspicion train, because like. He heard 'Jin' and went with a hard no on that one. ("A Jin? Like... Like Jin Zixun? No way. 0%. Lan Sect can't be run by a Jin.") This lasts like ten minutes tops once he meets Meng Yao because of course he is *instantly* charmed. SMS agrees to work on getting LWJ to approve because oops! He and Meng Yao are kind of in the same boat here in terms of being disapproved of, and also MY is small and cute and vulnerable and needs to be protected at all costs??? And he is literally pregnant with the Sect Leader's baby??? Come on Lan Zhan! This is your new brother in law and he might technically be a Jin but he doesn't really have a family and WE are his family now!
And LWJ who has spent months learning to listen to SMS takes a few days of giving MY a hard time before agreeing that yeah. fair. He's family. And he shows this in like the most understated way possible that has MY feeling an overwhelming sense of relief without really knowing why, because like. LWJ just nodded and said "Mn." Is that really so big? But then LXC is moved to tears by that because he thought it would take so much longer and like wait is SMS a good influence on Wangji? That doesn't seem right?
(LWJ and SMS decide they are going to plan the wedding for LXC and MY and that lasts like almost an entire day before A-Yao is just like. "Yeah... I'm going to do it myself I think. Thanks for trying it's the thought that counts etc etc." And they're like. "But you are pregnant?" And MY is just. "Yeah... Still gonna do it myself." And then it comes out that LWJ and SMS's wedding was like. The most haphazard thing. No setting a date. No planning. Just happened. LXC is... Well he kind of figured that's what happened.)
#not me going on forever 😭#but I must have got a little invested#just pretend the war stopped for a bit for some low stakes domestic drama
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I recently got a bunch of TNG novels at a charity shop and this passage from the FIRST BOOK is making me feel craaaaazy
#the characterisations are all over the place because they were still finding their footing on the show itself :') like riker is rly insecure#and kind of a hardass???#and picard is a little TOO standoffish#but it makes me appreciate this all the more cos im like Oh but they understood from the get-go that geordi like. ADORES Data#😭😭😭😭#anyhoo. sorry for not drawing. i was doing some commission stuff.... and also it just takes me forever to motivate#myself to draw anyway. that tag got cut off awkwardly. but you get it.#Data Soong#geordi laforge#daforge#star trek#tng#mwah mwah love ya
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My followers: And is this “writing” you’ve been “working on” in the room with us right now?
#writing#writeblr#writer things#writing humour#textpost#writing humor#relatable#funny#I genuinely am writing for the first time in a long while#but it’s uh it’s for an angst fanfic for a fandom one wouldn’t expect fic for necessarily#and I’m embarrassed but I’m not because it’s good but you’re never seeing it it’s between me and my ao3 when I finally do finish it#it’s at 6000 words but fr that’s the most I’ve written on a single thing in a long time and it’s still going!#last time I wrote/finished anything in forever was also for this fandom back in November <3 nature is healing#it’s slow going but I’m hoping to finish it before June 😭
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i've been completely charmed by witch hat atelier♡
(art prints)
#witch hat atelier#guys... i had been meaning to read this for so long and i'm so mad that it took me forever to start#but omg i'm SO glad to be finally here now😭😭😭💖💖💖#this story is so special😭😭🥺🥺 i love everything about it so much#found family+queer+fantasy are my top 3 story themes ever it's like this manga was made for me... plus the old fairytale art style omg#every page is stunning... genuinely some of the most beautiful art i've seen in my life#consistently spectacular composition & gorgeous character design throughout the entire thing it's so amazing#shirahama kamome is incredible the work she's doing here is seriously amazing on every level#the story is so good and deep and heartfelt and the bond between the 6 main characters is my favorite thing ever😭 that's a family!!!!!!#it's a masterpiece i'm so serious please go buy it and read it. if you like the same things as me you're going to love it#i'm so excited to see where the story goes next and to watch the anime next year🥹🥹#witch hat atelier fanart#qifrey#coco#qifrey witch hat atelier#coco witch hat atelier#wha#wha fanart#illo#illustration#artists on tumblr#green#blue#atelier of witch hat
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Colin + his (many) love confessions for Penelope
#polinedit#polin#bridgertonedit#bridgerton#colinbridgertonedit#colin bridgerton#penelope featherington#penelope bridgerton#otp: you're my mess#my stuff#bridgerton stuff#the fact that some people say that colin didn't really have a love confession when he so many and he kept telling everyone that he loved pe#like look at him#he such a lover boy#i prefer his soft and earnest love tbh#also sorry that the font looks so tiny but colin is a yapper and i couldn't fit the text otherwise 😭#i hope it's still legible#but if you click on the gif it should be legible#this took me FOREVER so if this flops i'm going to cry lol
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i'm going to war (looking through the rosekiller tag for an actual rosekiller fic)
#enough of this jegulus being the main ship and hoarding the rosekiller tag pls#like hey maybe if i wanted to read a jegulus fic i would go into the jegulus tag#i actually cant do this anymore#ao3 ily forever but please let me able to sort thru the rosekiller tag so i can only see fics where rosekiller is the main ship 😭🙏#ao3#archive of our own#fanfiction#marauders era#the marauders#the emeralds#rosekiller#barty x evan#evan rosier#barty crouch jr#rosekiller my loves#dead gay wizards
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OK SO HERE IT GOES
Ok so story time: This was commissioned by the lovely (not to mention patient and supportive) @greypistacchio for her monumental fic Pieces of Paper we Hold, and it’s going to be the cover for the printed version she’s going to sell to raise money for SA survivors. It’s a great initiative and it comes with loads of merch from super talented artists so go.check.it.out. cuz it’s all kinds of awesome! (For real, the art for the merch is superb 😍)
Also it was my first commission ever 🤯 Nearly crapped my pants with nerves, but Gee was crazy enough to entrust it to me and I couldn’t be more grateful cause I’m kinda proud of the result and to be part of a project like this.
Some progress shots under the cut just for fun
#hazbin hotel#my art#huskerdust#hazbin hotel fanart#take back the night#hazbin hotel husk#hazbin angel dust#angel dust#angel dust fanart#hazbin hotel angel dust#hazbin hotel art#husk#hazbin husk#I had mad fun with the wings#they might be my favourite thing to draw?#also the concept was “two losers that won’t go down without a fight#and it was just SO DAMN FITTING#took me forever to finish though#but what else is new 😶🌫️#but Gee was seriously so so supportive#she had a sixth sense for when I was getting stuck in my own head#btw did I mention that I love this fandom?#cause I really really do 😭
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Bad: Guys, are you gonna come?
Phil: I'm confident in your abilities to stay alive, but not in the plan, so I'm sorry.
Etoiles: Bro, in terms of PVP, we are really like– Janet can fight, Aypierre can fight, Pac can fight, Badboy can fight, Kameto is really cool–
Pac, Etoiles, and Badboyhalo have all been eliminated. Their only crime was trusting their friends, but at least they were together in the end. 🥲
#Squidcraft#Squidcraft 3#Badboyhalo#Pactw#Etoiles#Pac being the first to rush forward and defend everyone and being the first to die because of it is going to haunt me forever 😭💔#Regardless they all fought well#I'm happy so many QSMP members were invited to Squidcraft this year#Hopefully they have better luck next time#Pac and Etoiles looking at each other before rushing forward to fight is going to also haunt me forever man#Pacmanduo... :(((#And I know Bad feels so guilty I'm glad he and Pac talked afterward#Edited
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Today’s doodle aka Tom in a kitty apron
#as you see I’m not normal#unfollow while you still can KHSBDCKHSBCILAECISEIYFGHKBVRS😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#Peremo Tom playing house is in my head forever#thank you for writing Peremo Virennia#Tom Riddle#if you are delulu enough like me#sorry Virennia#but your epilogues make me go batshit crazy (in a very good way!!!😩❤️🔥)
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The meaning of my destiny can be changed for your love.
Kawoshin Week Day 5: Rebuild + Time loop! 💜💙
#kaworu nagisa#shinji ikari#kawoshin#neon genesis evangelion#rebuild of evangelion#evangelion#nge#toma draws#kawoshinweek2024#I WENT. A LITTLE CRAZY WITH THIS ONE#i feel like me first watching eva immediately after my higurashi and pmmm rewatches while none the wiser to kaworu's existence#and getting brain blasted by the time loops once i got to the rebuilds was a big part of why i got into evangelion As Much as i did#so i really wanted to go big with these prompts!!! it's my most ambitious piece in a while 😭 it took forever#lyrics are from my destiny by donna de lory! i've been rotating the composition on my mind since i started associating it with kawoshin#so i'm happy this week gave me an excuse to commit to it :]#i remembered to turn on timelapse for the painting of this one so i'll add it in at some point
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Killua and the Power of Wishes
Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.
As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.
One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.
Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.
Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.
Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.
To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.
I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.
Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.
What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.
[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]
This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.
When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.
Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.
[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]
It's such an innocent, simple want.
And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.
In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:
Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."
Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)
Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."
And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!
So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.
10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.
Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.
It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.
Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).
"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"
The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.
Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?
Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.
[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]
Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.
And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.
This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.
It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.
[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]
I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.
However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.
Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.
[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]
I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.
But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.
Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.
[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]
Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?
Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.
[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]
Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".
I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.
...holy shit, kid.
[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]
And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(
What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.
In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.
Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.
[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]
Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.
Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.
They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:
As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course
Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo
I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.
Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.
The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.
So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.
Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.
It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.
Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.
Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]
Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.
Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.
Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.
And Alluka tears into him for it.
[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]
You tell him, girl.
Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?
"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.
Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.
And neither should Killua.
[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]
It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.
Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.
And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]
...she doesn't even have to think about it.
I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.
#oh my god this was supposed to be a brief write-up what happened 😭#ugh i feel like this is a bit of a mess and there's infinite other little points i could've made or elaborated on or interpreted differentl#but i'm so tired lmao#anyways tldr fuck you illumi you suck#killua is a snarky little shit but he also has so much love in his tiny body and i think we should appreciate him forever and ever#this also accidentally turned into alluka and nanika appreciation. i love them#nanika sweet angel i love you so much i hope you get all the head pats in the world#ghhh i'm so scared this doesn't make sense anymore i've been working on it for almost a week#hunter x hunter#hxh#hxh meta#killua zoldyck#call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective.#storyrambles#also that one scene where gon turns to look directly at killua and tells him he has fun being with him makes me jdfhbvsdjfbvh#he's so intense about it i start laughing. no wonder killua basically just went ??!?!?!?! and like. leaned back because i think i would've#done the same lmaoooo#it's very sweet though :')#argh. gotta post. i need to stop hesitating. let's go.
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Don’t think I ever quite said what my LGBTQ+ headcanons are for the boys, so these are my current thoughts! Always changing of course but this is what I feel most strongly right now.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt headcanons#rise donnie#rise leo#rise mikey#rise raph#donnie and leo’s sexualities being practically swapped was unintentional but it works way too well#same with mikey and raph tbh it was a happy accident#anyway I kinda hc raph as the type who doesn’t care about physical appearance just if you fight lol#Mikey’s more than happy with friends and family#Donnie is a BIG romantic but he needs time to sus a person out fully before he gets the hots for them#leo meanwhile isn’t keen on romance unless it’s with someone he grows to really really REALLY trust#I could go on and probably will later (knowing me) but it is late and I am tired haha#turtle art tag#curious as to what everyone else headcanons#the only one of these I’ll defend forever is Bi (female-leaning) donnie and trans leo#all the others can change over time but I really like where they’re sitting right now#I hope these are the right flags too because it was kinda hard to find them#went looking for transmasc flag in particular but I couldn’t find a solid agreed upon version 😭#ngl a big part of why I hc mikey as aro is because of a pun#my phone often misspells aromantic as aromatic and- and you get it- because aromatic herbs and- and Mikey is a chef do YOU GET IT#note that while I hc leo as bisexual (male-leaning) I still think he’s prob closer to demi in that as well just not as far into the spectrum#if that makes sense#headcanons are fun and hard to narrow down at the same time alas#I made this in like an hour can you tell djjdjd#I drew them all from memory so if there’s anything wrong…shhh#and if you’re wondering for April and Splinter#Both are Bisexual (female-leaning) but April is also Panromantic#I almost wanna make Splinter demiromantic too so Big Mama’s betrayal hits just a bit harder
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To selfshippers who constantly change your self inserts; IT'S OKAY!! Just because you change your sona, tweak their design, shift their species, swap their clothing, completely redo them from the ground up, that doesn't mean you're indecisive or some other mean-sounding word. You're just exploring what fits you, and your FO(s), best.
There's nothing wrong with feeling fickle over a design for your self insert, I don't think anyone has ever made any kind of original character and stuck with their design forever. Designs change and grow as you change and grow, and that's beautiful to me :] Don't feel bad that you change your self insert the second an idea strikes, or inspiration smacks you upside the head, you can change your self insert however you'd like and whenever you'd like!
[Pr*shippers and the like; do NOT touch. This is not for you, and never will be for you. You can disrespectfully fuck off.]
#talking ! 💫#self ship#self insert#self shipping#self inserting#selfship#selfinsert#selfshipping#selfinserting#safe ship#safeship#safe shipping#safeshipping#self ship positivity#self insert positivity#positivity#Feel free to ignore the following;#If you follow me then you KNOW how often I go through mlp self inserts jkghfj#I bet you could find a minimum of five different mlp creatures on this blog that I have used to represent myself 😭#And tbh I don't think I'll stick with one forever! By the time I'm on T I'm sure my sona will be someone other than Night Bright!
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back again
#my art#anthy himemiya#revolutionary girl utena#rgu#NO SPOILERS IN NOTES!!!!! PLEASE i only just finished the 1st arc 😭#yesterday i did a late night photo shoot of me pretending to scream while pulling on my hair. this is how this anime got me#i love anthy i think it’s interesting to see how self sabotage is common behavior in abuse victims and how they connect that to the world#the visual department of this is SO GOOD. I LOVE ME A GOOD SYMBOLISM ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!!!!#now i am going to sleep. good night!
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Bakugou loves you so deeply that he would actively try to pair you up with another guy if he thought you had a crush on them, because he just wants you to be happy even if it means he isn’t.
#I’m going to bed but just know this is all I’m thinking about#he makes me want to sob#he’d forever put your happiness above his own😭😭😭
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To my homies who encouraged me to get Twitter, thank you so much. There are so many gorgeous Kabrus there and the overall Kabru content is plentiful. Also I just saw this absolutely divine jawdropping enchanting gorgeous stunning beautiful Kabru art and I am in a state of shock. Like look at this holy shit?????? Like click on the link and click on the image and zoom in on the details and stuff this is so incredible. I mean you don’t have to but this is so good and I’m losing my mind and there are so many little details you won’t see unless you zoom in so I recommend it.
For anyone looking quickly this is not my art it belongs to the Twitter user in the link and it’s so good I would recommend looking at it
https://x.com/Neruchiru_08/status/1841319033632862418
I get insane under the cut
It’s been like 4 hours and I cannot stop thinking about it. Every time I stand up I start shaking. I feel nauseous and am coughing constantly. I feel like I am choking. That image will be burned into my brain for a very long time. Why doesn’t Twitter let you reblog with really long comments I need to say a million compliments. My voice is cracking. My heart is hammering. I’m warm and sweaty. Holy shit I am fagging it up bro. It’s beautiful as an art piece because the composition and colors and stuff are absolutely amazing and it’s beautiful if you’re queer (or straight and like Kabru too) because Kabru looks so good. His shoulders are showing and something about Kabru’s shoulders showing makes me insane. Like I thought the whole “you can’t show your shoulders” dress code thing in school was a bunch of dumb bullshit but oh boy I understand now. Every time I see Kabru’s shoulders I think “I want to bite that man” and then I’m all like “WOW who just thought that” but it’s me I’m thinking that I’m going insane over him I want to bite his shoulders he makes me crazy he’s so pretty oh goodness wow oh wow oh wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww IM GOING INSANE a lot more people have seen it now but I need to show this to everyone you guys don’t understand how this makes me feel I’m going to pass away and fall over and cry you guys look pretty Kabru art guys guys it’s Kabru being gorgeous oh my fucking god guys guys I am going to be sick guys oh god guys do you see him he’s so pretty guys guys guys holy shit dude guys. I am an enjoyer of the arts. I enjoy this art. For sure. Wow. Awesome. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. I am going to lose my mind. Ough. Guys. Guys guys guys. Do you????:!: seee????? The Kabru??????? Oh my god. Compliments to the artist. Beautiful. Beautiful lovely fantastic work. Awesome. This is great. I’m losing it. I showed my discord friends and I reblogged on Twitter and stuff but I wanted to show you guys too because I am a big fan of this beautiful Kabru art. I love this insanely much. Kabru fish…I love this creature the Kabru fish. Great 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍 chat I am gonna die this is too beautiful Ough beautiful Kabru
I’m being so dramatic you guys but do you understand the power this art has do you understand my feelings I love this art so much 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Kabru 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Kabru fish 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 gorgeous 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#long post#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#kabru#kabru dunmeshi#kabru of utaya#kabru dungeon meshi#cw slur#the artist doesn’t say anything I call myself a fag because I am#idk if anybody is uncomfortable with the f slur or not#I’m queer btw I can reclaim that#usually I’ll just say I’m being gay but the emotions I’m feeling can not be described by anything as well as ‘fagging it up’#I’ve never felt this way for a man before this is like next level gayness#like I’ve found fictional guys attractive and stuff but I’ve never felt for them the way I do for Kabru#I would fall to my knees and bark like a dog if Kabru asked me he’s so attractive#he makes me feel fuzzy and stuff#Kabru disease…incurable. fatal. I am passing away#you guys don’t understand I love him so much I feel like I am going to explode#Kabru 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#this post feels crazier than normal but whatever#these are my true feelings they’re from my heart#Kabru 💕💕💕💕💕 love forever 💖💖💖💖💖💖#kabru posting#rope/spider post
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