#not like lethargic or anything
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#he's not sick or anything no worries everything is fine#but smooch aka dried pickle man is just...#getting older#he's 13#which isn't super old for an indoor cat with superior vet care but it is low end lifespan#and he has stage 3 kidney disease AND IBD so like that has to take a toll#and i've noticed lately that he has been slowing down#not like lethargic or anything#just#sleeping more often#being a little slower#bothering his brothers less#and it guts me to see him age even a little#i cried about it today#he's due for his annual and he gets ALL the bloods and prodding to make sure he's chugging along and i expect everything will be fine#he's just getting up there and i'm not ready for that#he's a pillar of my world
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prince and prince friendship. this is my vision
#blood cw ////////#violence cw ///////////#erikar#eridan ampora#dirk strider#karkat vantas#dave strider#im just crazy about the idea that eridan and dirk would get along#theyre both fucked up in the head but in a way where they go ''theyre a freak but theyre basically OK'' about each other#eridan is too stupid/stubborn to manipulate and dirk literally could not give less of a shit about eridan's drama#so they have like a net 0 impact on each other#they do not make each other better. they also do not make each other worse.#they just get really bored and lonely sometimes#''do u want to stave off the ennui and beat the shit out of each other'' ''sure i dont have anything else going on today''#just super lethargic and almost transactional#since they only hang out when theyre both bored as shit. from the outside it almost looks like a moirallegiance thing#at least until they start trying to murder each other which is when it suddenly looks like a kismesis#but its neither#theyre literally just bored and love violence#eridan <> karkat btw
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#ilkkavilliedit#ilkka villi#*#**#***#mk.op#mk.edit#mk.gifs#god i am just so like...lethargic today#haven't been able to create much of anything#maybe a new wind will blow in soon
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shit.
the only thing that lets me feel emotions and happy and stuff is amphibia right now, mostly Marcy related stuff, right?
i’m. losing the willpower to make myself look at it properly. to make myself read the stuff. to smile when i see art i like.
i’m. so tired. i do nothing all day because i can’t make myself do schoolwork. i sleep through mornings then feel terrible about it since other kids go to school then. i try to sit down and read my favorite books but i can’t mentally make myself, and when i do it only lasts ten minutes or something.
i’m completely empty, there aren’t any emotions anywhere. i never cry because what is there to cry about? except there is, but i can’t think of anything, or get myself to care.
idk why the fuck i’m writing this…
i hate feeling like this, but i can’t make myself imagine or believe in something better past this.
holy fucking hell (haha oxymoron) this sucks
#aspynn emerges#im fucking depressed yay#fuck#i mean i have my first therapy appointment next month but idk if itll actually do anything#tw depressing stuff#holy fuck#my arms are getting rlly tired/lethargic tryingn to type this out#wtf i didnt even do anything today#fuck i didnt do anything today#well i showered#thats good#hm i wish i could put this in the discord and be like ‘hey guys look how mentally ill i am’#but i can’t because my stupid phone wont let me use discord
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(vent in the tags and under the cut. don’t read if you don’t want.)
sometimes i wonder if people would care if i was gone. there’s just no point anymore tbh.
#tw sui ideation#its honestly just been going through my head for a while#the past two weeks my parents haven’t talked about anything besides my brother#i kinda just feel like i’ve been forgotten in a way#i just feel lonely i guess#and i hate it#it’s just one of those days where i feel lethargic and just numb frankly#and i’m tying to keep posting because it’s not fair that others who don’t give a shit have to read my vents#but i just can’t do this anymore#i’m going through a lot rn#between yesterday and my dog being sick and school starting and my grandma getting surgery and having to move in with my family#it’s all just a lot rn#and sometimes i just think about it and i just hate it#i hate having dark thoughts like this#i’ve been my only therapist because i can’t talk to my parents#i can’t talk to them about this stuff or they’ll just give me the “you can be sad but you can’t pack up and live there” bullshit#I DIDNT FUCKING ASK FOR THIS#that pisses me off so bad#i didn’t fucking ask to have suicidal thoughts?#sometimes i’ll just choke myself with my dog’s leash as a form of punishment because it just makes me feel good#atp i don’t care if i go too far because it’s not worth it anymore#it just doesn’t feel like life’s worth living#there’s nothing to enjoy or look forward to atp#i just need a friend#i’m so tired of being there for people and then having to turn back to myself when i have an issue because im too cowardly to open up#i’m scared#i don’t have it bad like i don’t know why i feel like this#i have a good life#i’m just being a brat#i dunno
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*guy who doesnt do anything or go anywhere or talk to anyone voice* why am i miserable
#it feels like a spiral that keeps coiling tighter and tighter and youre trapped in it bc bad habits beget more bad habits#and you start wondering if youre lethargic and melancholic bc youre acting like this Or if youre acting like this bc youre lethargic etc#its like..#theres so much i Want to do. and then i dont do it? when theres literally nothing stopping me??? i just sleep and eat (not enough rlly)#and i dont do anything. no chores. tbh im not even on my phone That much it just feels like time is ticking and slipping by and im not doing#the things that i Want to do or Should do in order to get to a place i want to be at.#like bro i dont even brush my teeth properly anymore like how did that happen its like. where am i? mentally??#do i need therapy? medication?? do i need someone to grab me by the shoulders and tell me to get my shit together???? idk....#piksla.txt
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anywayyysss today's my birthdayyy
#turned 23!!!#not really planning on doing anything special tbh#the weather has me hella lethargic ngl#its all rainy#😴😴😴#plus ive been awake since like....2am? and its almost 3pm???#teehee#gotta love insomnia 🫠
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Bad news, got back from the vet and my beautiful baby son is going to have to be put down soon, probably tomorrow or the next day, so send him best of wishes for his next few days~ Luckily, he's actually not in a lot of pain (for now, hopefully he won't be) and is acting pretty normal, so I'm hoping he won't suffer at all and everything will be peaceful for him.
#pet death tw#death mention#let me know if I need any other tags#I would post something to help pay for his euthanasia expenses or etc. but I don't know of any secure methods#since I don't know much about stuff like that. I've heard that like on paypal and ebay and stuff people can still get your real name#and some information from their payment receipts or whatever sutff like that. thats part of why I've held off on selling clothes and sculpt#res for so long is trying to find a way to do it that's the most safe. aside from literall yhaving to start an llc and open a business bank#account and run everything on an entirely sepreate thing just so it has no association with my name and etc.#and obviouskly I don't feel like figuring out all of that stuff right now lol#I am busy just trying to make my beautiful meatloaf son comfortable and spend some time with him whilst I can#It's sad. but I'm glad the issues were caught before he was in terrible pain or anything. So suprisingly it was actually a pretty easy#decision. I would rather him go out while he's feeling okay and relatively content then wait until he's in severe#pain or extremely lethargic or etc. So it seems all very sudden but . It's better that way for him.#anyway#of COURSE this has to happen during a heat wave also.. hhrgghhh...#more fuel for my vendetta against summer lol.. Not that it's the season's fault but. something bad happening in the winter#vs. seomthing bad happening in the summer which just adds an extra layer of 'oh yeah on top of everything else#you're going to be sweating and nauseous and chronically uncomfortable!' is like.. >:T#Also for him. part of the issue is lung cancer which has spread and caused a bunch of fluid to build up in his stomach (which is what I#noticed. even though he's acting perfectly fine and normal his stomach was weird and bloated suddenly)#but if part of the problem is his lungs (which look absolutely crazy on xray) then him breathing in hot shitty thick air is definitely#not as comfortable as if he were able to be nice and cool and snuggled in some blankets. etc. etc.#ANYWAY ghhb... send him much luck and positivity!! Really hoping he can make it through the next day or so without#taking a turn for the worst. So hopeing for a peaceful quiet exit and not like tramatic sudden things. etc. etc.#cross your fingers pray to your gods whisper to the night sky so on and so forth. whatever you do that's meaningful to you.
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i have had an almost comedically horrible day but i thought my cat was going to die this morning so it can only go up from here :thumbsup:
#woke up at like 7am to find her extremely lethargic so i cancelled my class to take her to the emergency vet#she was dehydrated i think bc she’s more bright and alert now with fluids in her#but i have spent way too much money on every test imaginable and they have no idea why she’s still not eating#kidneys are fine. wbc count shows no major infection#thyroid is fine. x-rays showing no masses or anything#anyway i am just very stressed and upset from having to do all of it alone#and i feel really sad and guilty for cancelling my class like jfc could this have happened any other day#i wouldn’t have done it if she hadn’t been so unresponsive this morning that i thought id come back to her dead if i left her
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i’ve been at the emergency vet for 3hrs and it’s a 1hr drive here and back and it’s 5am now and i’m so fucking tired omfg there’s no way i’m gonna be able to sleep for work today 😭
#i hate that my town doesn’t have a goddamn ER vet#literally no access to a nearby ER vet is actually why one of my past dogs died#bc the hour long drive was too long for him even tho i sped like a bat out of hell#thankfully my baby’s getting seen but ffffffff#i couldn’t have even go a to her reg vet anyway#bc they’re only open when working class people are at their jobs lmao#like the only way you can get fucking vet care during the day#is you’re retired and have NOTHING to do ever and don’t have to worry about fucking anything#tf kind of hours are 11AM TO 2PM FUCK OFF#😒😒😒#anyway#$600 for everything which actually isn’t that bad considering#my reg vet would’ve been more expensive actually#just wish priya’s insurance didn’t have a wait period otherwise it would’ve been way less#but i had to bring her immediately my poor girl was vomiting and had bloody stool and was so lethargic 😭#apple babble 🍎#non fandom
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I need to be submerged in liquid nitrogen
#shortext#its so sunny outside i hate this shit#i feel so lethargic like ive got no energy for anything ANYTHING#even being on my phone feels blegh
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Beloved little matador guy :)
#lmao sry you know i enjoy compilations as such#apparently i am immune to drawing him as anything other than looking down#also man it kinda sucks that i still like the renault one the best#i think ive evolved at drawing but i still feel so fond for that one#not that thats a terrible thing??? but i think you always hope youll like each new drawing better than the last one#ah well anyways hope these are all arent too similar#i think they have different vibes hopefully ????#i wanted to draw a little follow up comic to the drawing i posted today#but i feel lethargic so i made this instead :)#catie.art#matador au
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#tag talk#vent#I don't wanna do the whole “I'm so good at psychology cause I've fixed myself. I should go into counseling” thing that overly empathetic#empathetic people do. but like. nothing like deconstructing a tense social conflict to make you feel good#the smol autistic minecraft enby who adopted me had a moment and I helped break down the situation and resolve shit with them. it was cool#but also I immediately went out to the living room and napped for three hours. thinning that hard was exhausting.#do you ever do the depression nap thing? when I'm doing well I never sleep during the day. but when I'm sad I take naps a lot#because I don't want to be awake and I sleep poorly at I night and am just generally lethargic so I nap on the floor or couch a lot#ugh knowing the stress will go away doesn't help the fact that it's super awful right now.#it's times like this that I wish I'd really committed to it in Feb. like. in two weeks I'll be better and joy de vivre and all that.#but right now? ugh. big fuckin ugh#the minecraft emotional labor thing is just a natural responsibility of being a 25 year old playing online video games with 15 year olds.#if I see a situation blowing up I can't hear sit by and watch someone destroy their friendships on the server. I have to help#but also bro I am struggling to help myself. maybe I say I'm packing up my pc early so that I have a good excuse to stay off the server#I literally did the thing again where I make new friends. make everyone love me. and then get burnt out at the speed of light and disappear#making friends is so easy. leaving friends is so easy. nothing is forever and we all die someday. blah blah blah you know it already#meaningless meaningless. all is meaningless. maybe king Solomon was just fuckin depressed when he wrote that. sure sounds like it to me.#I just can't do anything when I'm like this. we're subsistence living now bois.#I wonder if part of my neurological damage is from the lead I used to eat in high school.#the windex shots can't have been good for me. but I don't think that stays in your body the same way#though it did fuck up my urinary tract for a few months. that was wild.#anyway. I wonder how much of my chronic periodic funk is just effects from bad choices and how much is normal natural inevitable.#everything is an ocean. nothing is a lake. the waves are always thirty feet high and the troughs scrape you on the bottom of the reef#nothing is midline except when you're rushing through to one extreme or another.#you're either overstimulated or absent from your body entirely#both of which cause wild and oft unbearable dissociation.#everything gets better and everything gets worse. I'm only like this when I'm stressed. but that's my secret cap (avengers reference)#anyway. I'll survive. I'll make it. I'll live because I need to become even more gay to make my family mad.#I need to keep living so my dad realizes just how much he's lost touch.#so my mom cries about how she should have done something differently so I wouldn't grow up gay. because that makes so much sense right?
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Why is everything so boring?
#there's nothing to look forward to. there's no hope. i'm just wallowing in my failure and nothingness#and anything that changes are things that don't matter#maybe it's just in my head. my life won't always be like this right? it's just a pause. God will take me somewhere....#somewhere good hopefully....#random#personal#lethargic#night depression#long sigh
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man im really fucking bad at hanging out with people no wonder i have like two friends
#sometimes it’s worse than usual and tonight was one of those times#I just. couldn’t get myself to be interested in doing anything they wanted to do#just was not having a good time and for no real reason#also every time they talk about stuff they do with other friends and whatever it hits unreasonably hard that oh yeah! I don’t have#other friends. like everyone else does. I don’t do anything or see anyone. I just obsess over a special interest and rot in my room#and it’s completely my own fault because I can’t fucking socialize#idk but anyway that’s just. a part of it. aside from that i was just. yeah not interested in anything#I wasn’t even tired or lethargic or anything like I usually am so it’s just a fucking waste of everyone’s time including mine#that I’m. like this#idk. I should drink a lot more next time. probably.#im more sociable and actually somewhat enjoyable to be around that way. sucks that it takes so fucking much to get me drunk lol#god I hate being like this I hate that social conditions have to be so specific or else my brain short circuits like this#I honestly think it was largely something to do with there being two people hanging out that usually aren’t there#even if they’re not new people to me or anything and they’re friends and all#I guess I was just kind of only in the headspace to hang out way more casually with the two main people I tend to be around the most#conveniently the two people who have played yakuza and aren’t as annoyed by me playing it or talking about it or whatever#I hate being so consumed by interests like this where I literally don’t want to talk about anything else basically#I wish I could actually infodump to my friends#but yeah . only one of them I sorta do that to and even that I’m just. idk I still feel like I can very easily be too much#there’s something very wrong with me#and now I’m gonna feel bad the rest of the week because that was my only shot at social interaction for the week. and now I’ll be in my room#being. the mentally ill husk of a person that I am the rest of the week.#woohoo#im going to split my skull open I hate this I hate being so bad at being a person#kibumblabs
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sorryyyy ive been #mentalhealth posting so much recently i have the cold depression that makes you depressed when youre cold. it started getting dark at like 2pm...
#et cetera#im so lethargic and tired and sleeping badly and just bone deep depressed i dont want to do anything... ever again#and i hurt good god i fucking hurt. my damn bones dont even like being cold#i want to call out of work but i havent had much work the last few weeks i need to go...
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