#not just my trauma but also just my existence

[xtractors]

As my account says I am just here for the headcanon and The angst. So stick with me. [It looks longer than it is, but you can skip the bracketed section for my headcannon]

I've been thinking since I saw Deadpool and Wolverine whether Wolverine knew who Wade was as Deadpool? I came to a pretty solid conclusion, because when Paradox zaps Deadpool away, wolverine's first reaction isn't to be like, "So what's going on?", it's to automatically try and jump Paradox for disappearing Wade [which like maybe it wasn't because he knew it was Wade. Maybe it's just because he just really enjoyed flirting with him, but I think it's cuz he knows who Wade is]. Then in the void it's to attack Wade, which he doesn't seem to be surprised about his healing factor.

And this led me to, if Wade existed in worst wolverine's universe and had a healing factor. Then he probably could have been a version of origin's Deadpool?

And I have decided for THE ANGST, that absolutely origins happened, and worst Wolverine saw what happened to origin's Deadpool.

~~~~

[And here's my thing. I really wish origins had focused more on his relationship with his teammates, especially with the whole him and Wade making eyes at each other. Ignoring my feelings on the Kyla Silverfox lady, like I really wish the movie had just focused more on his teammates and relationship there. I think that he should have been "friends" with Wade and I think when he said "they finally found a way to shut you up" it should have been more emotional, and hurt and less sassy. I also really wish that Wade hadn't been just a mindless machine. Which I suppose we don't know how actually conscious he was, but could you imagine? Wade who's always expressed himself by being sassy and dealt with his trauma and being a mercenary by making jokes being unable to speak at all and unable to control himself as he attacks his friend?

Like I seriously don't think origins Deadpool was that bad of a character. I think there was just no emotional attachment to him. Cuz the whole mouth Sewn shut thing could have meant so much more if Wade was actually friends with Logan. ]

~~~~

Anyways, back to the plot.

So my thing is if there is origins Deadpool in worst wolverines timeline, do you think worst Wolverine ever just thinks about it?Do you think he ever has nightmares about his Wade being the one with the mouth sewn shut?? Unable to make his crude, but adorable jokes? Unable to call him Peanut and honey badger? Nightmares where his Wade, the one who saved him and gave him meaning and a new life, is staring into his eyes, as Logan's voice echos "They finally found a way to shut you up, huh." What if he wakes up guilty, a bitter taste on his tongue hearing how cruel those words really were to someone who means the world to him, someone who he never truly wants to shut up. Worrying his mind over not being able to save him once, not just not being able to save him, but having to kill him? Every once in awhile when he tells Wade "do you ever shut up?"[affectionate], he gets a flash of origins Deadpool in his head and goes quiet and regrets saying it?

could you imagine the angst?

Logan seeing his good "friend" who expressed his trauma through never shutting up unable to talk?Logan's "they finally found a way to shut you up" being breathless and painful and not just mean

Do you think Logan listens to Deadpool chatter and ever think about origins Deadpool and regrets not being able to save him? Regrets that one his last lines was taunting him for finally being unable to ramble?

[clangenrising]

I’m gonna be honest; maybe it’s just me but it’s always been pretty easy 4 me 2 sympathize w/ Razor and Sardine- XP Part of it is cuz yknow… They’re just fictional characters and it takes a lot 4 me 2 h8 some1 dat dosent exist, but also idk how 2 explain it but I can so see why both of them turned out the way they did, idk how 2 describe it but when I look @ their environments and thought processes it just makes sense; I always saw them less so as irredeemable demons and more so as cats that probably have a cluster b personality they refuse 2 get treated resulting in them becoming horrible ppl :P

I'm actually going to push back on that pretty hard. Razor and Sardine do NOT have Cluster B Personality Disorders (antisocial personality disorder/sociopathy, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder).

As far as I'm aware, people with Cluster B Personality Disorders are actually more likely to be the victims of violence than perpetrators of it. While it is true that they are also more likely to be violent than people with other disorders, these disorders are highly stigmatized and it would be irresponsible of me to say that my two worst villains have them and that's why they are murderers and abusers and sadists. That does actual harm to people who have these disorders.

As well, these disorders are often linked to childhood trauma which neither Razor or Sardine have, but you guys wouldn't know about that because I haven't told you guys anything about their backstories which means that there are a lot of assumptions being made here. Razor and Sardine are hugely privileged and their malice comes from that privilege, and more importantly their entitlement.

They believe the world belongs to them because they're men and they're house cats. They face no consequences for their violence and so they get more violent. These are very mundane and banal reasons for evil and I explicitly wanted to create villains who were cruel for those kinds of banal reasons. They are irredeemable specifically because they refuse to be redeemed.

I feel like you want to have a woobified version of my characters in your head so you interpret them as being victims of their disorder when in the text they are first and foremost fascists. I don't mean to be harsh but this is such a harmful misreading of my text that I can't help but be a little upset by it. But also, please don't feel the need to apologize or grovel for upsetting me. I'd ask that instead you stop and think and do research on these disorders and consider what harmful assumptions you may be unknowingly holding onto.

[fras-redacted-shapes]

Early drafts/unused content in other languages

redditor AloysHellsalem posted about certain text strings that exist in localized files but are missing from English ones. So I took a look at the Spanish string table and tried translating them - these are machine translations, so they are bad and also funny (sometimes).

All of these seem to be some sort of very, very early draft given the number at the end of the speaker's name and because they don't even have corresponding text-to-speech files unlike files from demos/proof of concept.

More of a fun thing than anything else.

Most of them are from Saga's side of the story.

AMBIENT DIALOGUE - RETURN 2

CASEY_4585: I found more of those knit ornaments near [Witch’s] Ladle. The cult has been around here. SAGA_4586: Do you think they’re the ones behind all this? Dead people coming back to life certainly sounds like cult material. CASEY_4587: It feels like they’re connected. We need more evidence. CASEY_4588: Do you really think a ritual will do something? SAGA_4589: My rational brain says no, but maybe it’s time I leave it on the backseat. CASEY_4590: I’ve certainly had cases that made sanity look like a sick joke. SAGA_4591: I can’t believe you knew what Ikea was. CASEY_4592: What? A guy like me can’t have affordable furniture?

Original text:

PROFILING CASEY - RETURN 6

SAGA_4984: What’s happening to Casey? CASEY_4985: I can’t turn into one of them. I won’t. Fuck it. I’ll go to hell before I turn into one of those soulless demons. CASEY_4986: Well, I guess that’s literally what they are: demons.

That last sentence may be a weird translation on my part. I'm not sure how to make it make sense.

Original text:

Leaving the full string here, Saga profiling Casey about him feeling like a fictional character?:

MP_RE06_CASEY_FICTIONAL_SAGA_4987: being a fictional character. MP_RE06_CASEY_FICTIONAL_CASEY_4988: Was I even who I thought I was, or just an average detective torn from the pages of a bunch of mediocre crime novels? Did I exist in printing ink like I did in real life?, and vice versa? The thought always bothered me. The jokes. The similarities. The constant feeling that no amount of coffee could drown.

Original text:

There're lines that look like bullet points or just rough ideas, like the last one here:

SAGA_6910: What’s happening to Casey? CASEY_6911: Casey is turning into a taken, blame Alan Wake for it WAKE_SAGA_6912: Wake WAKE_CASEY_6913: Casey never liked Wake, even before all this. References to cult case in New York

Original text:

PROFILING ESTEVEZ RETURN 6

This looks like a very early draft of Kiran having a girl crush deputizing Saga into the FBC.

SAGA_4989: The FBC. ESTEVEZ_4990: Saga Anderson, she’d be a great FBC agent. She clearly has what it takes: wit, guts and drive. And she’s not backing down from a paranatural fight. I can appreciate that. ESTEVEZ_4991: I should give her the recruitment (draft?) pitch. She’d be a great asset. SAGA_4992: I guess I should be flattered.

Original text:

SAGA_4993: What’s this “AWE”? ESTEVEZ_4994: What reactivated the AWE in Bright Falls? Does the threshold below the lake work in cycles or does it have a trigger? ESTEVEZ_4995: Whatever it is, it seemed more powerful than ever. SAGA_4996: The “threshold” in Cauldron Lake. That’s where I have to go.

Original text:

The following one is nearly incomprehensible

SAGA_6914: Parautilitarians ESTEVEZ_6915: Estevez relives a trauma, says the area of parautilitarians susceptible to supernatural forces (???)

SAGA_6916: doesn’t wake up ESTEVEZ_6917: They told Estevez the Dark Presence can steal forms, making it difficult to know who to trust SAGA_6918: Dark Place ESTEVEZ_6919: Estevez doesn’t know much, other than those who go there generally don’t come back.

PROFILING TOR AND ODIN - RETURN 5

Lots of fun tidbits

SAGA_3003: Where is Tor? TOR_3004:... Polaris ... in a web of hypocrisy. ODIN_3005: Take ... Control. duh duh duhuhuh. Take ... Control ... TOR_3006: Take ... Control. duh duh duhuhuh. Take ... Control …

SAGA_3012: The girl in the painting. ODIN_3013: I won’t remove it. That’s our family. Your (his?) daughter. TOR_3014: She left us! She took Saga and fucked off! So take that damn thing! I don’t wanna see her face!

MP_RE05_TOR_MOTHER_SAGA_3069: My mother. TOR_3070: But I wasn’t made to be a dad. I’m a god of rock! I can take the sky, rock stadiums but can’t change a diaper! TOR_3071: My life is a fucking storm. Freya deserved better. TOR_3072: It broke my heart, but I was proud of her for leaving. She could take care of herself. And her little girl. Saga will be a fucking star. I saw it the day she was born.

SAGA_3074: My dad. TOR_3075: …If she goes with you, she can never come back! It’s a one way trip for her. And I’m not letting a punk take me (?)! UNKNOWN_3076: (STATIC) TOR_3077: Freya isn’t ready for a nursing home. We kept it hidden for a reason! If you try this, I’ll hit you so hard with my hammer there won’t be any door left to open!

PROFILING TOR AND ODIN - RETURN 9

Now, these are super interesting :)

SAGA_5287: Mr. Door. TOR_5288: Freya couldn’t trust that bastard! He wouldn’t have stayed anyways! It’s not in his nature! We had to go! ROSE_5289: Tor, you’re scaring the other residents. I need you to put down that hammer. TOR_5290: A father needs to protect his kids, dammit! The door is a fucking spider and I’ll be damned if I was going to let my little girl get caught on its fucking web.

MP_RE09_ODIN_01_DOOR_SAGA_5293: Mr Door. ODIN_5294: I just can’t let you play with her heart. It’s nothing personal. DOOR_5295: Do you realize Freya will never forgive either of you for this? ODIN_5296: You’re not wrong, but… neither is my brother. Today you’re here, you’re Martin’s door, but eventually you’ll leave it behind and she won’t know why. Better she hate us than she hates herself. DOOR_5297: Then let’s see what you and your drunk brother can do.

Weird translation that last one.

The text for "I can't let you play with her heart" can be translated more literally to "I simply can't make you play with her heart." Which doesn't make sense, at least not without more context.

The line about Martin was probably meant to say "You're Martin Door".

There're a few other tidbits but none as interesting (in my opinion) as these ones.

[zerbrochener-quarz]

The meanings of the plural flag that I came up with!

The plural rings are not optional, that’s why I didn’t give a version without it.

Anyone is free to use these flags, however if you’re anti-endo I don’t see a point in you using this for, obvious reasons. Please PLEASE credit me and my account when sharing this flag! 🙏

First two stripes are obvious, dissociative identity disorder and the like and then people who are plural but their plurality is not directly caused by severe childhood trauma.

Third stripe is also obvious, uniting the plural community together and accepting one another as who we are!

Fourth stripe is mainly in regards to people with dissociative identity disorder but it can technically apply to other plural people if it happens to be possibly affecting them negatively.

5th stripe is a little lengthy. ⬇️

By criticism I mean criticizing current existing labels. For example take « system hoppers » and people who « sell » their alters. I do not think that is possible, as there is no actual way to physically/mentally get into someone else’s mind. Our minds are our own, and you cannot experience someone else’s thoughts or bodily experiences. Alters are a part of YOU. Also with selling alters again I don’t think that’s possible either. But even if you could, to me that defeats the whole purpose of being plural in the first place. Yes I know the quote seems like its contradicting my statement but in these cases it seems to be evidence of absence solely. Not absence of evidence. HOWEVER, please do NOT go harass anyone who identifies with these labels, even if I disagree with them.

Also I don’t agree with Tulpamancers either because that’s appropriating a closed cultural practice(as far as I know), I recommend using the label willowgenic instead. It has no ties to tulpamancy and gets the same point across.

By growth I mean overall growth about knowledge and experience and understanding of both traumatic and non-traumatic plurality. Destigmatizing dissociative identity disorder and other things like that.

Liberation is also obvious, lmao. Good representation and not being treated horribly.

That covers just about everything! :]

[l0stfoster]

Hey its paul anon again (thanks for the name 🫡) sorry ive been bombarding you with questions but I absolutely love this au and i love everyone to bits

So, can you go into more detail about darry and paul . Like, as much info abt them as you can throw at me those two are my boys . Like how did they officially get together , how did Paul go abt moving in and whats that situation like .

Also, when Paul is like kicked out and cut off from the family, does he end up just,, losing everything? I mean like, did his parents even let him get his belongings or did all he have was the clothes on his body and trauma. I would imagine his parents had control over his bank account too so they like shut that down too so he’s out here broke as fuck JHSJSHSJ sorry im just yapping

Anon never apologizes for asking I'm so open to answering them bc I love this au and I adore that so many people like it too. Parry fans are eating good bc the writers love Cursed!Parry just as much. I'll answer your questions ab them before I yap. To be totally honest, those two did not ever really make it official. Doing that requires two things they lack; emotional openness and no internalized homophobia. They both told themselves for the longest time that it wasn't a relationship... even after they started saying "I love you" in Latin and Fae respectively (Paul knows Latin bc spells, Darry knows Fae for obvious reasons), or when each other realized managed to figure out WHAT the other was saying,, or when they started sharing a bed and waking up intertwined,,, or when they started using far too affectionate pet names,,, or when things became far too intimate for it to be casual. They never actually make it official, one day they just slip into calling each other their boyfriends. The most official it ever got was when they flat out went "Oh yeah, we're dating" to the gang. The gang was making bets on that, by the way. Pony said weeks, Soda said a month, Steve said two, Two-Bit said a year. Ace got it right down to the date and time, nobody knows how she did it. They have no anniversary because they have no fucking idea when they really "got together". Paul never truly moved in either, he kinda just went from crashing there whenever his car wasn't an option, to taking up the couch almost every night, to sleeping in Darry's room, and eventually, it was just an unspoken thing that he was officially a member of the household. They have to kick him out for the day whenever the social worker comes to check on things, cause Darry can NOT take the risk of some kind of bad outcome to his mere existence. OK MORE GENERAL PARRY - Being with Paul reminds Darry that he's only 20 and still allowed to be something other than "the adult" sometimes. That brings a whole KIND of happiness that he can't describe. Dude's tail is fucked up due to physical trauma but that bitch wags so fast with Paul. - Darry on the other hand just generally grounds Paul. He's so used to the way of life that was on the west side that everything going on there is overwhelming sometimes. - They're very bad with vocal I love you's in English but they will say that shit ALL the time in different languages or through their actions. - Uh after Paul got jumped and had his letterman jacket stolen, Darry gave him an old denim jacket of his own bc Paul hated having his arms out in the open. - Pony audibly gags every time they're lovey-dovey. He's not homophobic unless you're Paul and Darry. - They'd shotgun cigarettes when they were younger (and the only reason they don't anymore is the account of Darry wanting to keep the fact that he smokes every rare occurrence on the down low) - Darry's purring has healing properties like a cat's purr (all of the brothers' have it actually) so this mf will just drag Paul down to cuddle and purr. - They are.. so down bad for each other. Darry does anything and Paul swoons, and they've def had an interaction that goes something like this: Paul, knowing Darry cant lie: "How do you feel about me right now?" Darry, immediately: "I'd marry you if I could." Paul & Darry:

As for being kicked out, Paul's parents quite literally just. Booted him, barely a warning. One minute he's arguing back for the first time since their keeping up appearances at the police event, and the next he's being dragged by the arm and shoved out of the house with threats of being killed if he dares to show his face back there. Just like that, all of it's pretty much gone; save for the clothes on his back and whatever he'd been carrying-- which was really only his car keys and his wallet. He was sleeping in his car for a bit until Two and Pony vaguely got on his ass because Darry's calls were going to voicemail and he was stupid enough to let it slip that he wasn't living at home anymore. Pony, being Pony, snitched. Can't have shit with that little gremlin around- so after finding his dumbass after having had the equivalent of an aneurism over suddenly being ghosted by Paul, Darry extended the offer for Paul to stay with them. He doesn't mind it being a permanent solution, but Paul is.. less fond for a few reasons; so he tries not to impose much while he looks for work. (He does eventually get something sorted out, so yippie! Helps with the bills what a guy) FORGOT TO ADD. He sneaks home at one point to try and get some of his shit because he knows where the spare key is, but gets cold feet at the door because he genuinely doesn't know if his dad will keep up with that threat.

[byemambo]

Monster Next Door EP. 9: The Power of Expression - A Double Edge Sword

So it's been awhile since I posted any content of my own for MND, but this episode genuinely got me in the feels. I am curious whether or not there are lots of people tuning into the series because I feel like its promotion leans very playful and I'm sure for some, leaving very little room for there to break the confines of stereotypes surrounding MBTI and introversion/extroversion. However, like how I personally feel about We Are, both series have more underlying themes for those who can recognize its significant beneath the surface.

Disclaimer: this analysis will lean into my own personal connection with the character Diew, and I'll be highlighting themes such as loss of a loved one, neurodivergence, and other underlying themes of mental health and trauma. If that's something that could possibly be triggering/sensitive for some, I would just like to preface before y'all begin reading and be bombarded with some deep topics. Alright, everything is under the cut (extremely lengthy read)!

Diew's Childhood: Reverting Back into His Shell

For those who have tuned into the series, we understand that Diew has a hyperfixation of turtles, and we're sent back to a flashback montage to reveal more about his upbringing and family dynamic during childhood. We're also revealed more about Diew's connection with his father before he passed away, which low and behold: me and Diew share very similar stories as I've also lost my dad during childhood, which caused a lot of strain between me and my own mother just the same as Diew (for similar and different reasons in comparison). I might have not caught it trying to go back to find out the exact age Diew's father passed away, but the flashback gives us a rough estimation between his preteen-teenage years where a proper social relationship is established between the two.

When someone experiences traumatic events during critical developing years such as childhood and adolescence, many will remain rooted in those existing emotions and outsiders may view them for the "mental age" as our emotional growth becomes stunted. Because Diew had a close relationship between him and his father for all sorts of reasons that many people can relate to: having someone be your cheerleader, someone to introduce you to the world around us, someone to understand your own individualism and cater to it accordingly. However, I believe one of the biggest reasons for such a strong connection between Diew and his father is fairly simple: existing as the closest form of unconditional love.

Although the series hasn't stated it like The Rebound has, I personally believe Diew to be autistic, if not autistic, definitely someone of the neurodivergent experience. Even though the series revolves around the concept of MBTI, specifically categorizing Diew as your average introverted person navigating the world around him, I wholeheartedly believe his character is deeper than such a superficial label (which I believe is the main reason for why many might stray away from giving this series a chance). Even though I haven't been formally diagnosed with autism, I am diagnosed with ADHD as an adult while relating to various characteristics that are innate in autism, but many of these traits and experiences fall under the neurodivergent umbrella. I also think that the usage of the turtle archetype is incredibly powerful for the characterization of Diew: turtles are known by social norms as "slow," physically or mentally, "in their shell" aka shy/kept to themselves, and can be irritating to others because they're unaware of most "normal" social cues and are considerably lacking "common sense", etc.

In the opening sequence of the episode: we see the dynamic between Diew and his father, which as the episode progressed, we witness a conversation between the father and son about how books become doors to our own worlds that as I summarize: books become portals to our own worlds that make our ordinary lives extraordinary. Since the theme of the series is about next door neighbors meeting and falling in love with one another, I believe the relevance of Diew's love for books to be more significant than that: neurodivergent people tend to live in our own worlds.

In my experience which has developed into my own artistic branding: many of us live in a neurotypical world where we feel like an alien walking amongst other human beings, but we weren't given the travel guide or manual in understanding how to interact with them. Despite knowing that we're also living out the same human experience: nuance comes into play and for many, can hijack our lives for the worst. In Diew's circumstance as well as the average child: we are clean slates that deal with the concept of nature vs. nurture early on, as well as our environments playing critical roles in our personal development and how that development will in turn, affect how we interpret the world and engage with it.

Because Diew is a child who's quieter (in this case, not shy to interacting with others), this becomes a disruption in societal norms (which of course vary between culture to culture and other underlying intersectionalities based in race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc). For many neurodivergents, our engagement with the world around us break the pattern and mold of what society expects from each and every individual to maintain order. During childhood, most of us are our authentic versions of ourselves but hand ourselves over to the norms of society and its binaries. For many who learn from observation that their own silence and solitude is weaponized by those who adhere to the social norms, many teach themselves learned helplessness: what difference does it make if I were to speak up? It's not like anything would change because they still won't accept me for who I am.

I tend to speak in metaphors, but specific to my art background: while neurotypical society tends to interpret the world in grayscale, we tend to interpret the world in full color, as majority of us excel in pattern recognition and memory, are detail oriented, hypervigilant, and so much more. However, this experience can be overwhelming for many, which contributes to one's baseline in areas such as faulty social communication/interaction, sensory overload, mental dissonance, etc. We see this with Diew having a single close friend, wearing noise cancelling headphones to cut through sensory overload, having social anxiety during moments of being the center of attention or being asked to do things against his will and being reprimanded for honesty over "politeness."

Due to Diew's socialization and innate personality traits, his support system can act in one of two ways: acceptance or rejection/denial. Unfortunately, this is where the crossroad between his central support system begins: the desire to appease the social hierarchy of life and to come out on top, the selfishness of living life thorough the self interest of yourself or your family. To be the most recognized, the most well off, the most luxurious, the most successful, etc. For many parents that navigate the world with emotional immaturity, their priority lies in conformity over authenticity, their acceptance in changing themselves for the sake of appeasing the group. For them, nothing is more detrimental than being singled out and ridiculed/mocked: this insecurity becomes generational, this insecurity evolves into life-changing consequences such as hereditary mental health disabilities or the nurturing of one in an "normal" family. The toss up between acceptance versus denial sets itself in stone the moment moral value is assigned to one's character, when someone becomes of value based on the origin's value system.

This exchange between Diew's mother and father highlighted the moment Diew adheres to this moral belief: Diew is not like other kids. Well, what about me makes me not like other kids? In comes comparison, in comes self doubt, in comes perfectionism, in comes abnormality, in comes conflict, in comes all sorts of insecurities that take over the vulnerable: children who simply don't know any better because if mom and dad said so, it must be true, right? My parents can't be right about anything if it has to do with me? I am their child after all, I'm their blood, I'm the whole of two existing halves.

We have not received this context in the series, I could only put two and two together through my own lenses and what I know and experienced: the various trauma responses and coping mechanisms from each affected family member. Diew and social communication, Diew's mother and obsession with control, Diew's grandfather and undermining his physical health to maintain peace within their household. What becomes a reality check for most of us growing up as neurodivergent people: the moment we step outside of what we have been taught to believe, and finding out that we might have been wrong for most of our lives, that we've been living for all the wrong reasons. That we were living for others and not ourselves. That we cannot survive without the "care" of our loved ones: the same people who expect appraisal and worship while oppressing and undermining others in the same breath.

Intention vs. Principle: The Flaws of a Mind Reader

Although there were other moments in the previous episodes to strengthen the themes of this episode, I felt like the Phrae trip highlighted these reality checks once Diew has difficulty adjusting to God's boyfriend treatment, which is primarily acts of service. This also becomes a game of mind reading and taking away Diew's autonomy, another version of his mother and her severe control issues. The trip is another home away from home, where this behavior evolves into babying and coddling, but because the intent is out of their best wishes for Diew: damned if you do, damned if you don't becomes Diew's life motto which he slowly breaking away from after being introduced to new people in his life that showed him different experiences outside of his family and his ex boyfriend. That there are people who exist and accept him for him, that there's no reason to hide anymore.

What I appreciate throughout the scenes leading up to Diew's confrontation with God is how well Park portrays these moments of frustration and questioning God's integrity when it comes to verbal communication (his microexpressions are everything to me, saying so much with such subtlety). This is something that I have issues with as someone who describes herself as "open book," and find myself irritated whenever people are not straight forward about their intentions, or set expectations in one moment and abandon them at the drop of the hat. For us, because we tend to navigate the world with so much nuance, direct and clear communication is nonnegotiable, and if you have various mental health disabilities (I've checked into the game), the mental race to make connections and recognize the established pattern based on the evidence of prior engagements and experiences becomes instantaneous but also exhausting. But P'God had always known how to respect my boundaries...why is it changing? What made it change?

The café scene also highlighted Diew's hypervigilance, isolating the conversation between God and his friends. Because all of them tend to joke and speak with humorous undertones, social cues become incredibly difficult to decipher at times, especially with people who you haven't established expectations for communication with. Because God know his own friends but Diew does not at the same level of depth and experience, statements like these only invite more intrusive thoughts that continue to spiral as more stimuli piles on: God's friends and their lack of indoor voice in a quiet establishment, social cues pointing towards God botching the group's plans for "Diew's sake," inconsideration towards those occupying the same space and carrying themselves with entitlement, this scene stressed me out and I would have done the same as Diew in that moment. Because I'm being catered towards and everyone else is miserable because of it: I'm probably the problem then...because I'm not like other people and I'm difficult to understand and accompany. Honestly: this is why I shouldn't have come with them. I'm just burdening them.

Power of Communication: It Takes Two

This exchange not only went in the direction I was expecting it to go, but the resolve was incredibly sweet and heartwarming to me. Going back to the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" motto: what I find so special about Diew despite his superficial characteristics appearing "ungrateful" or "undeserving" to some is that his growth completely transforms the motto. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, but I'd be damned if I let this misunderstanding separate me from the person I love. What I appreciate about God on the receiving end was the navigation of this conversation and how both parties confront their innate ideologies and understanding. Diew prefaces the difficult conversation with praising God, not starting off the exchange with immediate criticism that would drive most insecure people away and tune out any revealing information afterwards. However, God allows Diew to finish his entire though before proceeding with his response. which I anticipated as such: "I'm doing all of this for you and now you're saying you don't like any of it, so that makes me the bad guy then."

The beautiful moment that had me rooting for Diew was the confidence in standing his ground, something that we've seen develop in him as the story progresses during exchanges with people such as Jane and his mother. That he has autonomy, that he has a voice that is heard and accepted for what it is and not what it's "supposed" to be, that he can be understood because he may not be like other people, that was never the problem, which actually lies with everyone unwilling to become the person they need to be for him: that his boundaries may force you to reevaluate the way you carry yourself in this dynamic and no longer hold the power within your hands. The moment of recognizing that we become victims to the world by choice and the confinements of our own body and mind, and that the world may never truly reveal itself to those who deliberately choose ignorance over awareness: the choice of empowerment over oppression.

On the opposite side of this exchange, God goes through a revelation: the misstep in passive listening. Many people, especially those with faulty communication and emotionally perplexed, only engage in communication to hear what they want to hear. To identify within the confines of the binary: good vs. bad, like vs. dislike, yes vs. no. During the first half of the conversation of reassuring God with positive reinforcement, Diew softens the blow that will most likely arise: the potential of punishing someone else for doing a "good" thing. Insecurity feeds off of self identification, rooting itself as a core belief once someone turns that delusion into a false reality: the moment Diew says "I really don't like it" becomes that signal for confirmation bias to rush in. Win's prior qualms against him despite being in the same band, Jane antagonizing Diew while also putting God down in the process, and I'm sure so much more. If not properly dealt with and nipped at the bud: these intrusive thoughts become a breeding ground for toxicity to occur and cause a rift in the dynamic from an exchange of false words. But through his own personal development and growth: God was able to turn a not so pleasant moment into another piece of evidence that he is a safe space for Diew to unmask and keep the conversation true to himself. Rather than chasing Diew back inside his shell, he only invites Diew to continue remaining in his authentic self.

Emotional Dumping: The Arrival of Guilt and Shame

This part of the episode almost ran me over ten different times: it made me feel seen, it made me feel heard, it made me feel represented. All because I've literally had this exact same thing happen to me (and more) with my own mother, so this moment felt incredibly personal to me and understood Diew on a deeper level than most viewers might have not even considered when watching this series. When your family goes through a grief as difficult as the death of a parent, the drastic switch from a two parent household to a one parent household is absolutely devastating, especially when your children are young. Single parents if they choose to remain single stretch themselves thin, they are constantly overwhelmed with doing all they could and still unable to scratch the surface with many things, and unfortunately most of them trap themselves with egocentrism by comparing themselves to an alternative life unlived if their partner were still present. Most of them subscribe to a life filled with "debt" that requires repayment: this repayment is their kids believing in the narrative of being a burden, of being owed to repay back every little piece of ourselves to our parents, of being told that we cannot survive without their involvement (some even going as far as using the existence of their own children to support their entitlement for reparations), of simply existing to uplift their parent at the cost of their own autonomy and self worth.

"And I a bad son?" I don't think I could really describe the emotions I was experiencing when I witnessed this exchange of words, because I've had this conversation in my own life on multiple occasions verbatim. The headspace Diew occupies when it comes battling this internal struggle between being a "good" son while also expecting his mother to be a "good" mother, and the devastation that comes along with realizing that those two conditions may not actually exist. The progress Diew achieves from being someone who was intimidated by person to person interactions, someone who people benefited from his own silence and inability to confront others, someone who deep down deals with a battle of justifying his own value due to inconsistent value judgments from his core support system, brings me to tears because for many of us, myself included, deal with this level of trauma to the point where therapeutic intervention and personal accountability for debunking and redefining our core beliefs that have deeply planted themselves inside of us. That no matter what I do, I'll never be good enough, not even for my own mother.

God's response to this moment of being told such a personal matter (even if it was only the surface) honestly continues to heal parts of me little by little and living through Diew vicariously. The development of their relationship and taking the appropriate time to address various areas in their dynamic: some days will baby steps, other days will be strides, on occasion full speed, every now and then there will be rain checks. But the one thing that will remain a constant: I'm willing to embark on this journey with you by my side.

Honorable Mention: There's No Place Like Home

Ok time to ACTUALLY go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight: thank you for those who made it down here, I bring cookies! 🍪 But on a more serious note: my ears are always open to feedback or any thoughts others might have. I appreciate MND for having this level of characterization for these two and I can't wait to see what else they'll get thrown into even better if Pee gets socked in the face by Diew but of course on Diew's terms. Alright good night <3

[fanonical]

I see your point about June (and June is my favorite too). And I've definitely seen people headcanoning trans boy John out of really blatant spite, and complaining about June in a way that felt extremely pointed, like her mere existence is an insult and a source of hurt.

Buuuut on the other hand, many people loved transfem Roxy for a long time before the Epilogues, and I think it's fine and fair for them (... okay, us) to feel fleetingly disappointed that Roxy is transmasc in the Epilogues. I also think it's fine and fair to continue headcanoning Roxy as transfem, because the Epilogues were very explicitly in-text framed as one possible continuation out of many. I won't lie, I just love that t4t f/f Roxygen.

So my line of thinking is, it's probably still fine and fair to also love trans guy John, if people are inclined that way. It's more about the way that they do it? If you're finding yourself framing June as some kind of invasion on your holy safe space by the mean and terrible new writers of Homestuck, you need to take a step back and reexamine the transmisogynist bias there, and most importantly you need to stop being so goddamn rude to the people making art that just isn't for you. But on the other hand, I think simply ignoring the Epilogues and doing your own thing with trans boy John and his shaving cream trauma, that to me is perfectly in line with - and in fact respectful of - the spirit of the Epilogues.

(Similarly, I don't think it'd be bad to do a reading of the TUA comics where Vanya is a trans girl; I don't even think it'd be bad to write an AU genderswap of the TUA show universe where Viktor is a trans girl, though I'd greatly prefer if other characters' gender was changed too in that case.) (For example, I'd enjoy a full swap where A and V Hargreeves were the only "boys" growing up, and then V transitions and A is left all alone with his masculinity and he lets it steep into resentment. Also, sometimes you want trans girls with violins blowing up the world.)

Right, I hear what you’re saying but I think there’s a couple of key differences here

First of all, we know for a fact that Roxy being transmasc was prompted by a transmasc writer who was repeatedly & horribly transmisogynistic about transfem headcanons, so I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to assume that he really did specifically hate transfem Roxy headcanons out of spite so much that he made it an impossible reading in both timelines. But even then — I do think that if somebody specifically just decided Roxy is transfem and everything else from the Epilogues is the same (or magically headcanoned away as making sense somehow) then they would be intentionally misunderstanding & rejecting the text too. Like, that’s ok, that’s literally what a large part of fandom is, but the reasons for doing this are not neutral, and they reflect hegemonies & wider values.

In the case of transfem Roxy the point is to pointedly reject something we think is transmisogynistic — we have been teased with transfem Roxy for years, it’s an obvious & clear reading of her relationship to Callie in Act 6, and so I think it’s a legitimate criticism of the Epilogues. Meanwhile, there straight has not been years of hints for transmasc John, in fact, to headcanon June as transmasc you have to pointedly ignore her already extant queer narrative.

I also think you either misunderstand or are intentionally misunderstanding how alternate realities work in The Homestuck Epilogues & Homestuck Beyond Canon. They are not just one continuation out of many — there is only the two as far as I’m aware. I’m not up to date with HSBC but it’s my understanding that reality was cleft in two.

i agree with you on the Umbrella Academy! because this is something that has been like rebooted to switch things up, those characters are gonna get remixed. i’d love to see a transfem Vanya somewhere down the line. but if i only blogged about the tv show and i was constantly & loudly explaining how i prefer transfem Vanya and how she should be transfem in the show then I think that would obviously be in poor taste.

i think what bothers me is the boldness of so many men to be like “idk i just prefer this as a man character” right in the replies of posts where transfems are gushing about/sharing their transfem headcanons. I can’t even talk about June being trans without a few people saying that, and that’s actually confirmed as 100% happening, so it’s even more impossible to escape with like transfem Link headcanons etc.

i think all in all, transmascs, trans boys & trans men should try and leave more space for their sisters in the community. it is not subversive to wish every character was a man. just misogynistic. leave room for transfems, trans girls & trans women in fandom and beyond, folks.

[jaybirdisjaywalking]

Having divorced parents that got back together kinda slaps for writing inspiration ngl. Like yes I will take your interactions for inspiration bro

[for-those-who-wait]

Literally just found your blog and omg I love it Huntlow yes please gimme.

(This is autism for I love this art sm you’re amazing)

>:D

Thank you! Huntlow is so incredibly wholesome and I love them so much that they've probably added a few years onto my life

[puppetmaster13u]

Prompt 208

So Danny would feel exasperated, and probably should. But Dan is actually doing good and hasn’t even bitten anyone during this situation so that’s a win in his books. Now if the turned-into-a-four-year-old could tell him where he managed to grab this other child when he was supposed to be at the babysitter’s, that would be swell. 

Or why there is a hero who nearly broke the door down in a right panic. 

Like genuinely, he doesn’t know who was more surprised, him, or the hero who came running up half in a panic attack. 

[ricky-mortis]

Curtwen Week Day 6: Happy Ending

[usagifuyusummer]

Timmy with his found family your honour. *sobs furiously*

[liliotl]

It really just be like that sometimes

[transboysokka]

Zuko def started realizing how his dad and the Fire Nation fucked him up towards the end of the war, but I love to imagine that he had TIME to process/deal with it away from the FN before he had to go and be Fire Lord

Like there’s the abuse angle OF COURSE which takes time to recover from

But it’s also during that time that he also starts to realize just how… brainwashed he and the other FN citizens were and that is an Awful Realization to have because it makes him feel so used and there is an entire aspect of his identity that he has to rebuild/rediscover.

He doesn’t even understand his reactions at first, but for a while he’s so ashamed to even be considered Fire, and he has a LOT of animosity towards his whole nation. He panics when he sees the colors or the symbols because, justifiable or not, he just feels like such a victim and that’s so embarrassing and he wishes he could just stop it all…

It’s at this point Iroh realizes he needs to Step Up and take the throne— at least for now— so Zuko can just Be A Kid and deal with his trauma. Zuko and Sokka get a place in Ba Sing Se and slowly… slowly… Zuko is able to come to terms with what happened to him and with his identity.

And it’s the fact that he knows the pain and the recovery and everything in between, and his love for his people, that has him crowned Fire Lord 10 years after the war is over, ready to lead his people into a new era.

[dxxtruction]

Not to psychoanalyze (Yes, to do that), but given Armand's history, his only preconception of what love is, is to view it through pure desire. Love - and more broadly accurate, his life purpose for like half a millenia - as only he's ever known it, has only been experienced through transactional wish-fulfillment fantasies, of which he was the one typically sought after to complete such an exchange. And so naturally, in his own seeking, he replicates it. Though to some degree he also replicates the fantastical existence of fictional romances to compensate.

This lack of true experience of love without desire or fantasy, making his always unfilled 'objet petit a' - his object of desire - (a partner he desires a particular love from but does not receive to his fulfillment) - the catalyst for believing there is no other form of love to be had. That he can simply love the person, and be altruistic to their personhood, without them filling a role or desire for him, just would never occur. He's egotistical and overly pragmatic towards others by the fault of formative experiences denying him his own personhood. In being groomed into the object of desire, he no longer sees anyone else but as such. It's equal parts lack of self-awareness, meaning he simply has no way to counter-reflect upon himself the way one should behave, and developed coping mechanism, either consciously or unconsciously, taking on the role of those who inflicted upon him their desires to gain a sense of control over it.

In never escaping this cycle of love as desire, he always denies himself his full person, and simultaneously denies the personhood of others.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

I’m now fairly certain that every Persona protagonist is (or has been) some flavour of depressed/traumatized, with the exception of Chad Narukami