#not having the did Joel make the right decision argument

[peppermintfury]

Joel Miller: slaughters an entire hospital of people, stops the making of a vaccine that might save all of man kind, and lies to Ellie about his decision for the next 2 years.

[cowgurrrl]

Never Thought

Pairing: rockstar!joel miller x actress!reader

Author’s note: IM A GODDAMN MACHINE also fic named after this song :D

Summary: You meet the Millers [3.5k]

Warnings: questionable Hollywood motives, Joel being vulnerable, the cutest goddamn found family, probably incorrect foster case/adoption timeline, talks of the foster care system, Tommy being a little shit, yearning idiots

Trouble in Paradise? Everything We Know About the Fight Between Everyone's Favorite Couple

Joel Miller Spotted Landing in LAX ALONE

Lucky Guitarist in Central Park Saw Joel Miller and Girlfriend Before Leaving Her in NYC: "They looked pretty in love when I saw them."

"Do you realize how bad this looks?!" Melanie asks as she paces behind her desk. You sigh and pinch the bridge of your nose, fighting a headache, as she spirals. "Rumors are flying around that you guys had a massive argument backstage at the Tonight Show, and he left because he was pissed at you." 

"That's not even close to what happened." You say, and she throws her arms up.

"Please, tell me what happened then because I've been fielding calls from major news outlets wanting to know what we have to say." 

"His kid had an emergency. He went home early to take care of her. We didn't argue or have a falling out or anything like that. We actually had a really nice time."

"What kind of emergency?" She asks with a hawk-like determination in her eyes. Times like this make you realize that you never want to get on Melanie's bad side. When she's like this, she's absolutely lethal.

"I don't know." You shrug.

"You don't know?"

"It's not like we had a chance to talk about it! I did the interview, and by the time I was done, he was already on the way to the airport. He texted me that night to apologize and let me know that something was happening with his youngest."

"And it couldn't have been handled without him? If she needed her dad to come all the way home, she better have a fucking good reason."

"She's fourteen, Mel!" You snap, tired of hearing how much his leaving early affected her when something happened with his family. "Jesus Christ, she's a baby, and you're talking about her like she's an adult, which, even if she was, she has a right to call her dad for help," you say. She crosses her arms over her chest as she thinks, and you grab your bag from your chair. "I know these aren't the best circumstances, but I'm not gonna sit here and listen to you blame a child for a decision her father made." You wait for her to say more or argue with you, but she doesn't. You take a deep breath and reach for the door, more than ready to leave her and this conversation here.

"Why do you suddenly care so much about his kid?" She asks suddenly, and you turn to face her, your hand lingering on the doorknob. It feels like she's looking through you. Like she knows exactly what happened in New York but is waiting to see if you'll voluntarily come forward with it. "Wasn't a part of the contract to get involved with families." You shake your head and open the door.

"Then you shouldn't have paired me up with him." You say and leave her office. You're breathless by the time you get to your car. You've never left a conversation with Melanie like that, but you've also never heard her talk about a kid like that. It made your skin crawl to listen to her blame Ellie for just needing her dad. When the fuck did Hollywood get so ruthless that they have to use a fourteen-year-old as their scapegoat for something that's really not that big of a deal? 

You're fuming the whole way back to your house, and the LA traffic doesn't do anything to settle the anger in your chest. It's been three days since you got home from New York, and communication with Joel has been sparse. He let you know that he and the girls were okay and apologized again for leaving so abruptly, but that's been the extent of your conversation. Which is fine. You have laundry to do and scripts to read through. You're fine to keep busy, but sleep is a little harder to manage. 

You didn't realize that a couple nights sleeping in his arms would affect you so much. Now, every time you crawl into bed, the only thing you can think of is how big it is. Your dreams constantly replay your shared moments in New York, laughing together in the shower, walking hand-in-hand in Central Park, and the creases in the corners of his eyes. You didn't even realize that you were leaving space for a body that wasn't there until last night when you rolled into the cold space reserved for Joel and waited to hit his sleeping figure. For half a second, you considered getting a dog just so the house doesn't feel so empty.

You're folding laundry in your living room when your phone pings, interrupting the podcast you were listening to. You reach for it without a second thought, which you probably should've, considering you're still mad at Melanie, and see a text from Joel.

What are you doing tonight?

Joel Miller, you type. Are you trying to booty-call me?

Do you want me to booty-call you?

Maybe.

Well, I hate to disappoint, but I was gonna ask you to come visit the studio. I've got something I think you'll really like.

What's in it for me?

You leave your phone on the couch as you run upstairs to put your clean laundry away. You rush around your bedroom, stripping off the oversized, stained t-shirt you were wearing and putting on a vintage Talking Heads shirt with a pair of ripped jeans. You take a second to look at yourself in the mirror, smoothing down stray flyaways and swiping a layer of mascara on before running back downstairs. You feel like a teenager getting ready to see the boy she likes, and something in the back of your head wants to be annoyed, but nothing can bat away the butterflies in your stomach. As you grab your purse and shoes, your phone lights up on the couch.

I've got a couple surprises up my sleeve.

Attachment: Location

You smile and tell him you're leaving now. His studio is in the heart of West Hollywood, and you have to stop at a security gate before you're allowed to park in the back next to Joel's car. Somewhere beyond the gates, a camera flashes as you enter the building and follow the studio numbers until you get to the one Joel told you he'd be in. You knock lightly on the door, trying to be polite, but someone on the other side rips the door open abruptly. A big laugh sounds from the other side, and suddenly you're face-to-face with a young man with long dark curls and big brown eyes. 

"Oh, hi. I'm sorry, I'm looking for..." you trail off, glancing inside the studio until you make eye contact with Joel. He smiles and waves you in. "Him."

"Oh, you must be the girl Joel's been hidin' from us!" The man in front of you sends Joel a look as he opens the door wider to let you in, a similar twang peeking through his voice. When you fully step into the room, two girls are sitting on the couch across from Joel's chair at the soundboard, and you immediately recognize them as Sarah and Ellie. Sarah looks up and sends you a soft smile while Ellie stays focused on the rubber band she's wrapping around her fingers.

"Don't you go scarin' her! We wanna keep this one," Joel says as he stands and walks over to you. "This is my brother, Tommy. Don't pay him any mind." He says, and Tommy takes one of your hands in both of his and shakes it. 

"Pleasure to meet you," Tommy says, and you smile, your brain finally catching you with the fact that you're meeting Joel's family.

"It's nice to meet you, too," you recover. "I didn't know all the Miller men were so handsome!"

"Oh, I like her,"

"Alright, that's enough," Joel scolds and you and Tommy laugh. Sarah stands and jostles Ellie as she does, making her misfire the rubber band at the soundboard, and Joel shoots her a look. She groans and stands beside Sarah, putting on a half-hearted smile. "And these are my daughters, Sarah and Ellie." 

"It's really nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you guys." 

"I wish we could say the same. This one," Sarah jerks her thumb in Joel's direction. "Is a master at dodging questions."

"Well, I love questions." You say. 

You all settle once introductions are done, and you find yourself in awe of the dynamic the four of them have. Tommy and Joel are so at ease with each other, messing around and teasing one another, but still able to have conversations about the album art or release dates. Sarah and Ellie bombard you with questions, occasionally butting into their father and uncle's conversation to give their own opinions. And their questions are not the run-of-the-mill interview questions. No, their questions are deep, thought-provoking, unique questions that you enjoy teasing out with them. Joel was right about Sarah being a little bit more extroverted because she dominates a lot of the conversation, which you love and tell her as much.

"So many people are afraid to ask about things they're really passionate about, so it's cool to see you be so curious." You say, and a little blush takes over her cheeks. 

"Thanks," she says. "I'm glad you don't think I talk too much."

"Not at all. I like hearing what you have to say." You say and watch as she fights a smile. You catch Joel's eyes watching over you and the girls, something flashing behind his irises, and you nod to let him know you're okay.

Ellie is a little quieter but really likes hearing about the more technical part of filming something. You tell her all you know about cameras and sound equipment, even promising to take her to set with you one day to show her everything because Lord knows the industry could use more women in production. Eventually, she feels comfortable enough to slump next to you in all her teenage posture, still fiddling with the rubber band.

"Want me to show you something?" You ask quietly, and she furrows her brows before nodding. You reach for the rubber band, which she reluctantly passes to you, and you slide down to copy her position on the couch. "So, the key to this is aim. Power isn't super important, but it's always a little bit more fun," you instruct as you slide the rubber band over your index finger and thumb. "So, what you want to do is lock onto your target, pull this back, and then let it go. Like this," You go over the steps slowly before aiming the rubber band at Joel's head and snapping back, sending it flying through the air until it hits him.

"Ow! The hell?" Joel screeches, and you and Ellie laugh. 

"That was amazing!" Sarah giggles beside you, and you three dissolve into stupid, silly laughter. Tommy shakes his head and looks at Joel with a smile.

"You gonna let them do that to you?" He asks, and Joel takes a deep breath, taking in the sight of the three of you having the time of your life on the couch.

"'M outnumbered now."

"Sure are."

As the night progresses and you and the girls further slip into delirious giggles, you feel more and more comfortable with them. You're not sure what you thought would happen if and when you met them, but this is so easy and fun. Sarah tells you about the colleges she's applying to, and Ellie complains about her fingers hurting from trying to learn to play guitar. You advise Sarah about applications and even offer to read over some of her admissions essays, citing your BFA as your sole qualification. You're about to ask Ellie to play for you when Joel checks the time on his watch and slaps his hand over the watch's face. 

"Alright, 's gettin' late, and you guys have school in the morning."

"But Dad!" Ellie protests, and he shakes his head.

"No buts. You gotta get some sleep. Uncle Tommy'll take you home."

"Dad doesn't like when I drive. Like at all," Sarah says, and you laugh.

"No, Dad doesn't like when you drive, and it's ten o'clock in the city with the world's worst drivers." He corrects, and she rolls her eyes. Despite their little arguing, both girls walk over to Joel and give him hugs and kisses before following Tommy out the door.

"Hey," He gets Joel's attention as he stands in the threshold of the door, and Joel raises his eyebrows at him. "You bring her round more often, you hear?"

"I'll make sure he does." You say, and Tommy smiles at you, winking before he finally leaves. The second the door closes, Joel gets up from his chair and walks over to where you're sitting.

"Hi," he says quietly as he leans over you and kisses you sweetly. You hum against his lips, and he collapses next to you, grabbing your legs and resting them on his lap.

"Thanks for the heads up, by the way. Are your parents here too, or is it just them?"

"Why? You wanna meet 'em?" He asks, and you slap his arm. "They really liked you."

"You think so?" You ask, and he nods, gently squeezing your ankle.

"I know so. I haven't heard Ellie laugh like that in a good while." He says, and you take a deep breath. His warm hands massage your skin, and the studio is completely still, and it feels just like it did in New York. The thought comforts something deep within you, and you reach out to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. He still needs a haircut, you think to yourself.

"Is she okay?" 

"She will be, yeah."

"What happened?" The question leaves you before you can stop, but he doesn't tense up or look panicky. He leans into your touch and focuses on the fraying hem of your jeans.

"She got in trouble at school. I still don't know the whole story 'cause she won't tell me, but she came home and took off on her bike. Tommy and Sarah drove around lookin' for her for bout an hour before they called me. They found her pretty soon after at a gas station, but it scared the shit outta me." 

"Oh, my God. That's so scary."

"Yeah," he says. "I... didn't handle it in the best way. I grounded her for a month and took away her bike. We got into a big fight about it, and I hate fightin' with her," he sighs. Even though this was days ago, you can see how much it weighs on him still. You wonder if anyone ever panicked that much about how they treated you as a child. "I thought goin' back to Texas would've helped her, but it didn't."

"They were in Texas with you?" You ask, and he nods. Suddenly, the voices in the background of your phone calls and the spottiness of your conversations make sense.

"They went a week earlier and left a week after me to keep the press off them. They also just really missed their grandparents. Figured it'd be a good idea to get 'em outta LA for a while." 

"Do their moms live in Texas too?" You get quiet as you ask about the women who brought Sarah and Ellie into the world. You may not know the whole story, but it also doesn't take a geneticist to figure out that Sarah and Ellie have different moms.

"No," he scoffs a laugh. "No, my parents are still in Texas, and Tommy lives there part-time, but that's really it."

"Where are their moms?"

"Sarah's mom left when she was a few months old. Divorced me and signed away her parental rights with the same pen. We haven't seen her since. I reach out to her folks every couple of years, but they never respond. They want nothing to do with either of us." He says, and your heart breaks for both of them. Sarah deserved to grow up with her mom, and Joel deserved to have a partner to help raise her, especially since he was so young.

"And Ellie's?"

"Never met her. Her name was Anna. The adoption agency told me she died a few hours after she gave birth. Left her a note but didn't have much else. No family, no husband, nothin'."

"Oh, I didn't know Ellie was adopted."

"It became official when she was twelve, but she's been with us since she was ten."

"Wow," you breathe, and he nods.

"Yeah," he says. "Sarah met her at school, and her foster home was just a shit hole, and she really just needed someone to take a chance on her. I still don't know why, but I got the paperwork filled out, and she was placed with us two months later. She's been with us ever since. That's also why I knew I had to come home when I heard she ran away. She used to do that to get away from her foster parents so they'd have an excuse to send her back."

"Did they?" You ask.

"Yeah. Six foster homes in two years."

"Jesus Christ."

"It's a lot. I know it is. That's why I didn't tell you bout them earlier. I didn't want to scare you off," he shrugs. "Plus, they're why I punched that photographer." He says like it's common knowledge, and you sit up. You remember Joel and Paul arguing about something when you walked into the room months ago, but you never asked about what. You also never asked him why he punched the pap because it didn't feel like your place. 

"What?"

"The guy showed up at Ellie's school. He was tryin' to get pictures of her when the only thing she's done wrong is have my last name. He was yellin' things at me and asking me about her, and I just… snapped," he explains, shaking his head. "It's not right. I shouldn't have done it, but they're my girls. If I can't protect them, then I've got nothin'." You watch tears glisten in his eyes, and you push onto your knees to cup his face.

"You're a good dad, Joel. Possibly one of the best ones out there, okay? And you're not a criminal for losing your temper with your fourteen-year-old," you say. "Ellie's a teenager, and she's been through a lot. You all have. But those beautiful, intelligent, funny, amazing girls love you with everything that they are. I can see that, and I only spent a few hours with them today. They are good people because you're a good person," You stare into his eyes, hoping that the words will imprint in his brain, and he believes it as much as you do. You think Joel Miller could use someone believing in how good he can be. You think he needs it. You think he deserves it. "You are a good person." You whisper, and he takes a deep breath. 

He rests his hands on your hips, and you move closer to him, resting your knees on either side of his hips and sitting in his lap. You kiss away the stray tears from his cheeks and feel him relax under your touch. You're sure that you'll need to tell him over and over again how good of a dad he is after so many years of just barely surviving, and you're okay with that. You'll tell him as many times as it takes him to believe it. 

He catches your lips before you can get far and kisses you firmly like he's trying to show you everything he wants to say instead of speaking. He tastes like salt and cigarettes as he fiddles with the hem of your shirt, his fingers brushing against your stomach. There's nothing sexual about it. He just wants to be close to you, and you want the same. He traces patterns into your lower back, his hands splaying across your sides, and you bury your face in his neck. It's quiet and soft and almost domestic the way you two are cuddled into each other. As if you've been together for years, and this is how you greet each other after being away for so long. You inhale his scent and try to make out the shapes he's pressing into your skin. 

"I wish I'd met you sooner." He says quietly, the words halfway lost in your hair. You kiss his jaw and squeeze him a little tighter.

"Me too," you mumble. "'M here now. I'm not going anywhere." And for once, instead of arguing or coming up with a reason to refuse to absorb what you're saying, he just nods.

"I know." 

[vaspider]

If you think that Joel was wrong, I don't want you anywhere near me.

Let's talk about the last episode.

I'm going to say right up front that I'm a parent, and I'm a survivor of medical abuse, so I'm not going to brook any bullshit or clownery in the notes of this post. I block easily and freely, and if what I say in this post makes you feel sad or defensive, I encourage you to sit with those feelings and interrogate why you're feeling so defensive, because to me, this is extremely cut and dry.

Joel was right. Marlene was wrong. There is no argument to be had here, because this is the Trolley Problem, With Zombies!

Let me be clear: there is no world in which I let them do anything like that to my child, but more importantly, there is no world in which I let them do that to Cat without her active, informed consent. That's where there's no argument to be had. That's where it is open and shut, no discussion, if you think that there is an argument you are just wrong.

There is no nuance on this for me, and that's probably because I am a victim of medical abuse, doctors doing things to me without my informed consent. I find it hard to empathize with people who think there's any nuance in it at all, however. You cannot build a new, just world on the abuse, medical rape, and murder of a child. You just can't. This is the Trolley Problem writ large, and the only moral answer is that the only way to do that would be with Ellie's informed, active consent.

There are decisions my daughter has made which changed her life forever, and made it (at minimum) much, much more difficult, and which might shorten her lifespan or kill her. I supported her in this because she made that decision. It was not made for her. So I have absolutely clear-eyed perspective on this as a parent, and I don't think there's room for another perspective.

Oh, so people might die if Ellie isn't at minimum lobotomized and at worst killed? Yeah, that's the same argument that forced birthers make. No one has a right to any part of my body or anything within it without my consent, and saying otherwise is exactly the same argument that the people who think that people shouldn't be able to get abortions make, it only differs in scale.

It reminds me of the old joke where a man asks a woman if she'd sleep with him for a million dollars, and she agrees, and he says, okay, so what about five dollars? The woman gets irate and says "what kind of woman do you take me for?" And the man replies, "We've already established what kind of woman you are, now we're just haggling over price."

If generic-you think it's okay to take Ellie's body and use it without her permission to save a million people, you're the same kind of person who thinks it's okay to force someone to carry a pregnancy to term. It's already been established that you think that people don't have a right to their body if someone else "needs" it, so we know what kind of person you are. Now we're just haggling over the price. I know that's wording it very strongly and I stand by it, because I've dealt with exactly this kind of paternalistic nonsense, and it did almost kill me. No one is justified in making any decisions about my body but me. Period.

And before we have folx coming in here talking about vaccines, etc.? Listen. If I choose not to vaccinate myself, and I'm excluded from things as a result, then that's a decision that I have made. I don't think people should be physically forced to be vaccinated, but groups of people get to consent or not consent, as a group, via laws, about being around someone who will physically make them sick. The key difference here is about who is doing what to whom, and whether someone is acting upon another person. Walking past someone in public in a leather harness isn't going to modify their organs via pathogen; walking past someone spreading a pathogen that hangs out in the air for hours out of your gaping, infectious piehole is actively doing something to other people.

Joel was right. Thank you, goodnight.

[lavendertales]

Guilty pleasures: Chapter 4

pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

summary: Tommy mentions the reason why Joel refuses to celebrate his birthday. A fight breaks into the bar, and Joel's reaction to seeing you hurt awakens something in both of you.

word count: 6k

warnings: mentions of injury, alcohol. tension my beloveddd😌

A/N: this chapter kicked my ass oh god. it was much better in my head lmao but I hope it's as good as I want it to be.

AGELESS/EMPTY BLOGS & MINORS WILL BE BLOCKED!!!

gif: @iero

series masterlist | AO3

AUGUST

“Again.”

Your voice is decisive and even a little harsh, but you know that Ellie’s more than capable of handling it. Poor girl’s had a handful thrown at her, and after traveling with Joel for over two years, you had no doubt that the girl was a tough cookie.

“I’m telling you, this thing’s rigged,” Ellie sighs.

You watch closely her hand on the trigger, noticing she’s squeezing harder than she should. Instantly, you reach around her and take the shotgun from her. Unable to look away, Ellie watches you lean over the rock, your hands steady and eyes locked on the practice target in the distance. Within the next second, you shoot it right in the center.

“Son of a bitch!” Ellie scoffs.

You chuckle, returning her look. “See? It’s fine.”

“Well you’re used to handling big guns! What is it with you and big guns, by the way?”

You falter, simply observing her; then, as you shrug, you notice from the corner of your eye a silhouette approaching.

Unmistakable, broad and about to get on your nerves.

But you choose to ignore it for the time being.

“Havin’ fun?”

Ellie gets up from the ground and starts telling Joel how you’ve been teaching her how to use a shotgun, how you shared tattoo wisdom and how cool you are. Joel listens, nods along, stealing the occasional glance at you.

You notice how displeased he looks. You know he hates how close you’ve gotten with Ellie over the past few weeks. Although maybe hate is too strong of a word; he’s still being cautious about you lurking around Ellie for reasons you have not been told.

Reasons you figured all on your own and kept to yourself out of respect.

So you know that your spending time with Ellie isn’t to Joel’s liking, but you’ve grown fond of her.

“I still think that thing’s rigged so I can’t shoot with it,” Ellie points at your shotgun and at you, respectively.

Joel cocks an eyebrow at you, and your breathing becomes inexistent as you exchange yet another hungry gaze.

While you’ve gotten closer with Ellie in the past month, you’ve grown more distant from Joel. The tension between you two boiled at perilous levels, especially after that evening on your porch. That unprompted kiss, birthed from some manic desire that needed to be sated, remained an unspoken secret between you, nothing more but a mistake done in the heat of the moment.

Every time you see Joel though, every time your eyes meet, you are reminded of that kiss and how much of you it consumed.

“Rigged, you say?” Joel asks, extending his hand so that you hand him the shotgun.

Almost like he’s expecting you to follow his lead without much argument.

Weirdly though, you do. You hand him the shotgun, watching nearly breathless as he steadies himself in the right position on the rock, eyeing the practice target.

“You squeeze the trigger like you love it,” Joel tells Ellie.

“Hmm.”

“Gentle, steady, nice and slow.”

“Are you gonna shoot this thing or get it pregnant?”

Joel makes a face at Ellie, then steals another quick glance at you. Only this time, Ellie takes notice of it too, much to your dismay.

“Could you not look at me when she says that?” you frown.

“I didn’t,” Joel retorts.

“You did,” Ellie adds.

“At least buy me a drink before, damn, Miller.”

Joel goes back to what he was doing prior. He replies with stoic silence, unable to come up with a good reply. So he points the shotgun right at the target practice and fires without hesitation.

He too shoots it right in the middle.

“You dick!” Ellie shouts, and you stifle a chuckle.

“Told you,” you tell her rather smugly. “You just gotta work on your aim. You nearly shot me in the head twice, and that’s just today. I’m starting to think this is personal.”

Joel lowers his head, stifling a chuckle. It’s brief, barely existent, and yet he feels its existence warming up his chest. The moment he wipes it off of his face, though, he feels empty again. As surprising as it may have felt to laugh at something you said, the second it was gone, he missed it.

Shit. He actually enjoyed that?

“Listen,” Joel mutters to you, grabbing hold of your arm as Ellie walks in front of you, “this thing with you and Ellie, I’m not a fan.”

“Quelle surprise.”

“But she seems to like you. For whatever reason.”

You don’t break the touch though; you’re not really sure why. It just feels… nice. His calloused hands wrapped around your arm, barely applying any pressure, just enough to make you pay attention to him, it’s—not bad.

You swallow your pride and bite your tongue though, all in order to reassure him. You know a concerned paternal figure when you see one.

“I told you before, I have no intention of hurting Ellie in any way,” you whisper, now inching close to his face. “I like her.”

That’s when Joel lets go of your arm, but his eyes drop to your lips and just like that, he’s transported back to the night he hastily kissed you. He reminisces of your scent, something odd yet specific, a mixture of salt, lotion and summer. He reminisces of how it felt to press his lips against yours, to have you open your mouth to welcome his, almost too eagerly and desperately, and his knees nearly give out on the spot.

“But if you wanna take over and teach her how to shoot, you should get to,” you tell him, being the first to back away. “You’re her—protector.”

Joel gulps, closely watching your figure. It feels like you are both too close and yet too far, and he knows that letting you in, allowing him to consume his thoughts and emotions, it will only bring more pain in the end.

“What are you guys doing? C’mon!” Ellie shouts.

No glances are exchanged afterwards. You walk silently into the town, and you make sure to stay well behind Joel and Ellie. The occasional smile appears on your face when you see Ellie excitedly telling Joel about her day and the things that she wants to do. The same smile that vanishes mere seconds later, being replaced by melancholy.

You realize you barely remember your own father anymore. He’s a faint figure at the back of your mind, someone you used to know who was gone too soon. And then you smile again, gathering that Joel is enjoying those moments as much as Ellie is.

As you watch them interacting, quickly forgetting you as they mind their own way, you come to appreciate that Joel is far from being cruel as you once thought. He’s still got kindness left in him, still doing things from the goodness of his heart.

Which begs the question: what happened to Joel Miller? What did the outbreak take from him that left such deep marks on him, causing him to hate the world and everyone in it?

Almost everyone.

You theorize whatever you can, but never pose any questions. It’s none of your business. Curiosity strikes you, sure, but there’s nothing else to it. You and Joel are… complicated. Best if you keep your distance from each other, especially after that unwanted moment.

There’s a sudden tug at the hem of your shorts. When you look down, you notice a little girl staring up at you. Her eyes are big and green, hair the color of caramel chocolate, and your heart drops. The resemblance is striking; you can’t get over it. If you were to believe that you could be haunted by your past… this is all the proof you need.

“Our ball fell on your porch,” she says while you stare at her, completely dumbstruck. “Can you give it back to us?”

Slowly, you come to your senses and realize the girl is with a group of friends who all stare expectantly at you. You blink several times to wake yourself up and nod rather flustered.

“Why didn’t you take it yourself?” you kindly ask the girl.

“My mom says it’s polite to ask first.”

You smile as you hand her the ball. “What’s your name?”

“Maya.”

You suck in a deep breath, eyes getting teary within a split second. Mouth ajar, you can only stare at her, your hands frozen on the ball.

But you don’t want to scare her, especially since you’re carrying a shotgun on your back and a knife in your thigh holster, nor do you want a panic attack to overwhelm you at this very moment.

Instead, you hand her the ball and smile widely at her. “It’s a—very beautiful name,” you tell her.

“What’s yours?”

You give her yours and she compliments it as well. The tears are blurring your vision at this point, but you fight them relentlessly. That is, until a woman stands next to Maya, eyeing you, and then her.

“Maya, sweetie, it’s dinner time,” she says.

“Can I play five more minutes?”

“Only five more minutes. But not any more, okay?”

“Okay.”

Maya sulks, and your smile widens. You blink again, making sure you keep your tears under control—as much as you can, at least. Then, an idea strikes you.

“Oh hey, do you like stuffed animals?”

Maya turns towards you, nodding frantically as she stares with those innocent wide eyes that simply make you melt.

“I might have something for you,” you say. “If that’s okay.”

You address her presumed mother this time, and she nods as well. You rush inside your house, opening a forgotten box at the back of your wardrobe. The moment you hold the rabbit plushie in your hands, a wave of sadness washes over you. The years clearly got to it, but that’s mostly because you haven’t had the guts to clean it properly. You let it catch dust and fade away, like the memories locked with it.

“This was my sister’s,” you tell Maya as you hand her the plushie. “She carried it with her everywhere when she was little. A little during teenage years too. Her name was Maya. Like yours. It’s a bit old, but nothing a good wash won’t erase.”

“He’s so cute! Can I name him?”

“You can name him whatever you want. He’s yours now.”

“Thank you, thank you!”

As Maya hugs your legs—at her height, it’s all she can manage—her mother looks at you, a heartfelt expression residing on her face.

“Are you sure?” she asks you.

You nod. “A kid should have it.”

“Thank you,” she smiles and touches your arm.

You watch them walk away, and finally you allow yourself a moment’s rest; you close your eyes, and the tears come pouring down your cheeks without you even trying to make it happen. You let them stain your face, you let the grief make its way from the box you’ve buried it inside your heart.

With one deep inhale, you open your eyes, face to face with Joel again. You’re very much aware of how disheveled you look now, as opposed to half an hour ago, but you couldn’t care less.

“Don’t,” you warn him, though your warning is as soft and raw as you’re feeling right now.

“Wasn’t gonna say anything.”

“That was very kind of you,” you hear Tommy’s voice, and later noticing his silhouette in your vicinity as well.

“A kid should have toys.”

“Whose was it?”

Joel’s tone is calm and understanding as opposed to all the other times the two of you have interacted. Perhaps that’s why it tightens your chest further, building towards your anger a little more.

“Just—not today, okay?” you nearly snap at him. “I’m really not in the mood for some typical Miller crap. No offense to you, Tommy, I actually like you.”

Tommy makes a flattered and impressed face. “Hear that?” he tells his brother. “I’m good.”

“I was gonna say somethin’ nice but I see this ain’t the audience for that.”

With that, Joel simply walks away, leaving a dumbfounded Tommy and a hurt you behind like there was nothing to it.

“What’s with him?” you ask Tommy. “He’s a bit snappier than usual.”

You watch as Tommy stares you down, inhaling and exhaling slowly in a well-rehearsed manner before he replies, “He always gets like this before his birthday.”

“His birthday’s coming up?”

“End of September.”

You’re surprised at the information. You wouldn’t expect someone like Joel Miller to care so much about a silly birthday, much less during such dangerous and cruel times. Questions begin to swim inside your mind once more, begging to be answered.

“I don’t suppose it has anything to do with growing older,” you say, to which Tommy shakes his head in denial almost instantly.

“No.”

When you fail to ask the next logical question, Tommy gulps, unsure if he should answer at all. It’s a family matter. After all, it’s a loss for Tommy too, and it weighs heavily on him—albeit not as cruelly as it weighs on Joel.

“September 26th,” he commences, voice grave and low. “The day of the outbreak, on his birthday… his daughter Sarah died. She was shot. Stupidest damn thing.”

Your face drops, as does your heart. Truthfully, you figured it was something along those lines, and yet somehow, when faced with the truth, you still take it much harder than you would’ve anticipated.

“Fuck,” you murmur, taken aback. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s been twenty years, but I wouldn’t bring up her name if I were you. I don’t. Joel never recovered.”

Perfectly understandable, you think.

Your mother used to tell you that there was no pain greater than the one of losing your child. The way she said it, guttural and barely breathed, made you understand how heartbreaking it must be. You prayed you’d never have to find out.

So you can only try to imagine what Joel must feel like at all times. It almost makes up for all the times you two have argued and all the times Joel left abruptly, avoiding all eye contact, as well as physical.

Of course he wouldn’t want to be close with anyone. Getting close meant caring, and caring, love, it meant one thing in the end: pain.

“I guess that explains him for the most part,” you murmur, still processing.

“He means well,” Tommy explains. “At least I hope he does. He’s just… not crazy about others in his business.”

“Understandable. So I guess… he wouldn’t be a fan of, say… having a drink with one of his least favorite people? Y’know, when his birthday comes?”

The way Tommy stares at you, in a concoction of curiosity and giggles, makes your stomach twist and turn. You expect additional questions but you dread them tremendously. Although you suppose your rivalry with Joel wouldn’t be totally lost on his little brother.

“See, I don’t get the two of y’all,” he says, arms crossed at his chest and his interest peaked to the max. “You almost always argue, and now you wanna have a drink with him?”

He looks downright amused, and that, in return, upsets you. “I’m just trying to do something nice,” you reply. “Call it pity, being kind-hearted, whatever. But you can’t share a story like that and expect people to not react. I’m not heartless.”

“Sure thing. Except—most people would leave it at ‘I’m sorry’.”

You huff. “What do you want me to say, Tommy?”

“If you’ve got anythin’ to say, don’t say it to me.”

What would you even say to Joel? That you still get flashbacks to that unprompted kiss? That it still consumes you? That you craved more of that heat, curious to know what pleasures ate at his soul, locked and hidden away?

“But just so you know,” Tommy resumes, “Joel’s not the best at… communicating.”

“I think I’ll just stick to the one drink.”

Then Tommy calls out your name as you’re getting ready to leave, catching your attention.

“A lil’ bit of advice?”

“Sure.”

“I shared a drink with someone once, got to know that someone… and now we’re married.”

You roll your eyes, exhaling.

“Really?” you ask. “What is it with everyone and marriage and kids today?”

“Who’s everyone?” Tommy asks with a deep frown.

“I thought I’d do something nice, okay? It’s not necessarily pity. I just… I get the pain, okay? I’m not heartless.”

“I know you’re not. My point was… take care.”

“I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Thank you.”

“I’m sorry about your sister.”

You don’t say anything in return. The memories attached to your family are both good and dark, with the latter tending to take control more often than not. You find yourself haunted by past mistakes, frozen by the inability to save your family, and those are things you’d much rather keep private.

Just like you suppose Joel wants to keep his daughter’s death. Locked in his past, far away from anyone’s prying eyes or pitiful gazes.

As the moon emerges bright on the sky and you settle on a secluded chair at the bar, ordering a whiskey, you can’t help but feel a little guilty that you now know the main reason for Joel Miller’s—everything. Suddenly you feel like an intruder in his life, learning about the darkest moment in his life without him consenting to it. Of course, you plan on saying nothing of the sort, but the knowledge still remains deep within your mind.

It all starts to make sense: the way he’s so overprotective of Ellie, always watching over her, laughing at all of her bad jokes and going out of his way to find things that’ll make her happy.

Maybe Ellie is his second chance at fatherhood.

And maybe you were far too quick to judge him.

You are far too immersed into the amber liquid that’s occupying the glass before you to accept the presence that’s settled onto the chair on your right. You can feel their eyes on you, scanning, almost judging you, and you all but groan. Instead, you take a larger sip, letting the alcohol burn your throat and slowly, your whole body.

“If you wanna know somethin’ about me, you ask me,” the voice to your right coos.

The tone is all too familiar at this point, husky and menacing, but it does nothing to you.

Well. That is not technically true.

Despite everything that you’ve gone through having that grumpy man on your tracks for the past year, almost, he makes you feel alive. Whenever he’s around you, you feel more inclined to simply breathe in and out, feel each moment as if it’s your last; and with your every argument, every vicious look thrown back at each other, it only manages to stir something inside you that you’ve just never felt before. It’s a bizarre yearning, a longing for something unclear, yet so perfectly understandable.

You huff, slowly turning towards Joel. “Would you voluntarily tell me things about yourself?” you ask coyly.

“No.”

You hide the smile that threatens to break from the corners of your mouth, one that you suspect would anger Joel.

“I take it you talked to Tommy,” you say, almost done with your drink now.

“I told you to stay away,” Joel retorts, and his voice sounds like he’s in pain.

For a moment, just a fleeting, temporary moment, you want to look deep into his eyes and tell him it’s okay to feel things.

But the moment passes as swiftly as it arrives, and you say nothing of the sort.

“Actually, you haven’t,” you tell him, cautiously this time. “You never said anything of the sort. All you said—well, all you did was—“

Joel turns abruptly towards you, catching your attention. His face isn’t its usual dark aura, the kind of silent anger that’s boiling just beneath the surface, ready to blow over should anyone come too close.

“I didn’t do anything.” He pronounces each word carefully, as if he’s trying to let you know that if so much as mention the thing that’s on both your minds, he will lash out.

“You know what, if you wanna deny things, say they never happened, fine, do what you want,” you lean in to whisper to him. “But maybe don’t do them in the first place. Because maybe those things might keep someone up at night, thinking and wondering. And maybe that person would hate lying awake thinking of something that… how was it? It’s not a big deal.”

Joel clenches his teeth, downing his drink and now fully turns to you.

“You don’t need to know about my past and I don’t need to know about yours,” he breathes.

“Fine. But I’ll just say this. Talking about someone you lost means preserving their memory. If you stop talking about them, it’s like they never existed. You keep them alive by talking about them, by—“

“You don’t have a goddamn clue what loss is.”

That’s what triggers you. That’s what sends you over the edge, to a point of no return. You think of your baby sister, of your parents and friends and the little Maya you met today, and your heart aches and trembles in your chest, tormented by past mistakes and ghosts.

“You’re not the only one whose world stopped when you lost someone. Sure as hell not the only one who’s experienced loss in this fucked up world. So stop acting like you��re the sole victim here.”

“Kid?”

You freeze, staring at Joel for longer than you probably should have.

“Baby sister,” you reply almost inaudibly, barely able to swallow your own saliva. “And many others. So don’t you dare think you’re the only one who’s suffered a loss, or the only one with demons to face. We all got ‘em. We’ve all gone through hell, we’ve all suffered. Some of us still are. Present company included.”

“That why you can’t use a handgun? Reminds you of shooting them dead?”

You can feel your pupils dilate, your pores diluted by sheer anger. You don’t know how he intuited that or how he knew, but it’s the one thing you won’t allow to have tainted any more than it already is.

“Joel,” you warn sharply and higher, pointing a finger at him. “Don’t.”

“Stings, doesn’t it?”

“Joel… don’t fucking go there.”

Regret washes over him the moment he sees your face, filled with anger and pain.

“I asked about your stupid birthday because I thought you know what? I might enjoy having a drink with the man. Because there might be something more to him that I’d like finding out. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. Like you said. What’s the point of it, anyway?”

 Joel wants to contradict you; he wants to grab your hands into his, squeeze them as he stares into your eyes and tells you that it does fucking matter, and it was a big deal, that kiss. He wants to tell you how you’re the first person he could even look at since Tess, how you sparked his interest without even trying and slithered into his life and mind without lifting a single finger, but rather pointing your shotgun and him, meaning business.

He says none of that. He only looks at you, ashamed of his prior words and reaction, trying to swallow them along with the whiskey. He barely registers the noises around him, the indistinct chatter, cuss words being thrown around with so much ease and the shoving. He only starts to notice something is amiss when you stand from your seat, eager to leave, and not able to navigate through the sudden crowd.

When Joel looks around, he sees a fight ensued. He stands up, willing to go after you and at the very least excuse his harsh words, but when he doesn’t see you, panic bubbles in his chest.

“What the hell’s goin’ on here?!” Joel shouts around him, but there’s no reply.

Instead, Joel dodges a few punches thrown dangerously close to his own face. He soon realizes that the fight had escalated and that half of the bar was trying to break it apart. His heart is racing, and his mind is sending one signal: find her.

His eyes search through the crowd, elbowing his way through the people around him; he sees punches and kicks and he dodges them to the best of his abilities, but when he bumps into someone, his wrist gets caught onto some fabric. He pulls away sharply, the appalling aftermath of that one encounter shaking him completely.

Suddenly Joel’s eyes drop to the floor, frantically searching for his watch. It’s the first time in over twenty years that the watch is off his wrist and he’s never felt more vulnerable and exposed. Tears threaten to roll down his cheeks as he keeps searching, hopeless and maddened by the possibility that someone might step on the watch. He can’t lose it, he can’t be without it, he can’t—

The scream that he hears next chills him. Still frantic, heart almost bursting out of his chest, Joel finally spots you. You’re clutching your arm, facing away from the bar. He sprints towards you, unable to think of anything else.

“What happened?” he asks.

“One of these morons—popped my shoulder!”

“C’mon. Let’s get outside.”

On your way out, you hear Maria intervening and the fight finally broken. Then you faintly hear Tommy scolding whoever it was that started the whole thing, shouting in disapproval. Frankly, it’s kind of a blur with the blinding pain that you feel. You can’t feel most of your arm, and the warm air outside doesn’t lessen the sensation. Somehow, it gives the opposing effect and makes you feel like you’re about to catch on fire.

That, or it could also be the way Joel’s hands hold onto you so gently and carefully, guiding you to his house.

Foreign territory, you realize. But you don’t really look around, you can’t; not with white, hot pain searing through you.

Joel guides you to a couch, helping you down and taking a look at your shoulder. Then, his gaze shifts onto you, his eyes suddenly warm and soft and apologetic.

“I have to set it back in its socket,” he informs you.

You falter, spending one second too long staring at him. “Do it,” you nod.

Taking a deep breath in and closing your eyes, you try to ready yourself for what’s about to come. You’re familiar with all kinds of pain, but the one resulting from embarrassment of having someone who detests you help you in such a tense moment is something else entirely.

Nonetheless, it still takes you aback when it happens.

Joel pulls your arm, steady and carefully, but you still wail. You wail and groan, letting out the pain and a few beads of sweat protruding at your temples and on your forehead. And then you feel the same warm hands holding your arm at your chest.

“You’re good, you’re okay,” Joel coaxes you, his voice grave, yet oddly pleasant. “Focus right here, right here on me.”

You do as you’re told and lock eyes with him, breaths more even now. It hurts significantly less, though you’re not out of the woods just yet. You try to move your fingers to see whether Joel did a patch job or not, but next thing you know, his fingers are holding yours.

“Can you move them?” he asks.

“I think so.”

“Show me.”

You move the index first, wiggling it tentatively, then the middle one.

“All of them,” Joel instructs gently.

You move the ring finger and the pinky, then all of them at once, nice and slow. As you pleasantly remark that the nerves in your hand seem to be intact, you stifle a gasp at the realization that Joel’s fingers are intertwined with yours. The feeling is that of warmth and coziness, and yet… there’s electricity in it. Static, wild and treacherous.

“Looks good,” Joel concludes, clearing his throat a little.

Your eyes look up at him, finally meeting with his, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d say you shivered.

“Feels good too,” you murmur, hoping it’s inaudible, or some figment of your imagination.

But it’s neither. Joel hears you, and this is very much real. Him, holding your hand and not pulling away like he usually does, it’s the realest thing he did in a while.

“Thank you,” you say.

Joel nods, back to his stoic self. He knows he should probably pull away, take his hand out of yours.

But he can’t.

“I’m—I’m sorry, by the way,” he manages to get out.

“For what?”

He falters. “For saying those things, back at the bar. I shouldn’t have said… it was cruel.”

“How did you know what happened?”

Your question is merely for pure information, nothing else. Yet shame won’t leave Joel’s body.

“The way you looked at that little girl. There was guilt in your eyes. The kind that stays with you forever, haunts you. For something you did.”

You don’t respond. You’re already feeling awfully vulnerable tonight, and opening about the biggest tragedy in your life isn’t something you wish to do. Not now, probably not ever.

“I’m also sorry for… oversteppin’ some boundaries, a while back,” Joel resumes, like he wasn’t anticipating an actual answer from your side.

You raise your eyebrows at him, waiting. That gets Joel impatient and flustered.

“You know what I—c’mon, don’t make me say it out loud,” Joel all but begs.

You smile in the slightest. “Humor me and say it anyway.”

With a loud huff, Joel manages to get out, “I’m sorry for kissing you.”

“Why’d you do it?”

Again, mere curiosity and interest. You’re not trying to get him to open up about anything, given that he didn’t do it to you when it comes to your sister.

“Seemed like a good idea at the time,” he shrugs, avoiding your eyes. “Like a lot of folks, I live my life one day at a time and I figured… I might die tonight, tomorrow mornin’… why not seize the moment with someone who ain’t half bad looking?”

You frown, unsure if you should feel flattered or insulted. “Oh, I’m not ‘half bad looking’? As opposed to what, the infected?”

“Better alternative.”

You chuckle, shaking your head, and to your surprise, Joel does the same. His chuckle is deep, but heartfelt. It stirs something inside you, something pleasant that you wish wouldn’t vanish anytime soon.

“Anyway,” Joel resumes, feeling his cheeks flushed, “sorry about that.”

“You should be. It was pretty damn terrible.”

Joel’s the one who frowns this time around, staring incredulously at you. “What?”

You nod. “Yeah. Pretty awful. It was too short.”

Stunned, Joel can only blink and stare at you, unabashedly dropping his glare at your lips and licking his own subsequently. He’s painfully aware of the fact that he’s still holding your hand, and suddenly he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He’s overwhelmed and there’s adrenaline pumping in his veins, and you’re so close to him—but you’re still hurt, so he couldn’t—

“Joel,” you coo, bringing him back with his feet on earth, “you said it’s no big deal. So I didn’t—I didn’t make a big deal out of it. I tried to not let it get to me, but I—“

“It’s been a… long, long time since I felt anythin’ close to this. I thought I was over feeling these things. I didn’t expect to… want more. I don’t get close to people, not anymore.”

“You got close with Ellie.”

“It sneaked up on me. I didn’t expect to care about her so damn much, but I was wrong. And now, with you... you sneaked up on me too. In a whole other way.”

Your throat’s dry, heart pounding and you feel warm all over. You’re not sure if it’s from the pain, the glass of whiskey you had less than half an hour ago or Joel’s shy words—or perhaps a mixture of those three—but you do want to ease his worries a little, if you can.

“You think I went around making friends and dating?” you ask, and you see a hint of amusement on Joel’s face. “I sure as hell didn’t. Maybe scratch an itch here and there but I’ve never—I don’t think I’ve ever felt an urge like this one, right now.”

Joel’s face moves closer to yours, his eyes roaming all over your face to the point where your cheeks redden.

“What that might be like?” he asks.

“Like I want you around all the time. Like I… I think about kissing you again. And what it would be like to touch you.”

“So far so good?”

He’s looking at your hands, joined together by your fingers, and then back at you, and you shudder. You hate the impact this man has on you, the way he raises your blood pressure and heats your body with a single look.

But boy are you mesmerized by it.

“So far so good,” you confirm.

You lean in, perhaps foolishly so, but it’s what you feel the moment calls for. Even if it’s wrong, even if there’s a thousand reasons for why you shouldn’t do it, you’d still find one to go through with it.

“Hey, there you are!”

Ellie’s cheerful voice makes you and Joel separate in an instant, your hands no longer tangled. You meet Ellie’s gaze, who seems relieved to see you.

“Hey,” you tell her.

“I’ll get you something to hold the arm in place,” Joel announces rather awkwardly.

“I heard what happened,” Ellie says. “What a bunch of douche heads. How’s your arm?”

“Feels good. Joel reset it.”

“Ouch.”

“Eh, it wasn’t as painful as you might think.”

Joel steals a glance at you from the bedroom, smiling to himself. He can’t recall the last time he ever felt the urge to just smile because of someone’s presence.

“C’mere,” he tells you, tightly wrapping a cloth around your shoulder and arm. “Hold it still. Should last you a couple of days.”

“Thank you.”

You linger with your gaze, and so does Joel. However, Ellie frowns at the two of you, surprised that you aren’t at each other’s throats.

“Glad to see you’re okay,” she tells you. “See you tomorrow, guys.”

“Goodnight, Ellie. Thanks for checking in.”

“Sure thing.”

“Don’t think this means you’re getting out of practice tomorrow morning.”

“Wasn’t counting on it.”

You smile, watching Ellie leave. Once you’re alone with Joel again, you clear your throat, feeling oddly dry as you sit up.

“I should get some sleep,” you announce.

“I should too, I think.”

The warm air is thickened by unspoken words and silence, both your hearts racing unsteady inside of you. Joel walks you to your house, meeting your eyes when you’re on the dimly lit porch.

“Goodnight, Joel,” you tell him.

“Goodnight.”

If there was ever any moment to share a kiss, this would be it.

But as he walks away, shaking his left hand and realizing again how painfully empty it feels, he comes to realize that kissing you now, after the chaotic night you’ve had, would’ve led him to want more. He was already craving things that drove him insane with lust, and so putting an abrupt end to a potential kiss would’ve ruined him.

He knows that if he would’ve kissed you now, he wouldn’t have been able to stop.  

He thinks that if he’ll ever kiss you again, he definitely won’t be able to stop.

previous | next

[lionlena]

Too many shadows behind you (JavierPeñaxf!reader) part 2: There are no shadows without light

Summary: You were born in Laredo, but you didn't meet Javier until he came back from Colombia. You quickly fell in love with him and became his wife. You were happy, but… Shadows of the past begin to haunt Javier, and you lose the fight for his love and look for it in the arms of someone else.

Generally, it's JavierxReader but Joel also appears. Feel warned.

Warnings: age gap, angst, hurt, PTSD, mentions about rape and murders, reader cheating her husband Javier, Yes you read that right, READER cheats on Javier, Javier is a faithful husband.

Sorry, I needed angst

When Javier returned to his hometown and retired, he did not expect anything positive. He had seen too much evil and suffering to count on happiness. He thought he would spend the rest of his life living with his father. He expected to grow more grouchy and lonely with each passing year. And yet, you came into his life. The first thing he noticed was your lemony perfume, and from then on he couldn't think of you other than you was his refreshing. You were like a cold lemonade to him on a hot day. You brought him back to life. Your youth and joy made him a little intimidated at first, but he knew enough about women to see that you were interested in him. But he was afraid you just wanted to have fun. Because why wouldn't you date younger men?

However, as he got to know you better, he realized that you were special and finally asked you out. But he didn't have sex with you after the first date, nor after the second or third date... It wasn't until after six that he took you to bed. You were too precious to him to treat you like a one-night stand, and he wanted you to know that.

Chucho also noticed this and started to pressure his son to settle down. He had some pretty reasonable arguments. Such a beautiful young girl can quickly find someone else. Javier knew it too. He'd seen the way other men looked at you and felt a pang of jealousy, as well as the anxiety of losing you. Even though you weren't interested in anyone else.

Finally, after half a year, he made a decision. He had many doubts, but all related to himself. He was afraid that his reputation would catch up with you. He was worried that he wouldn't give you the life you deserved. However, he took a risk and planned everything. He prepared a picnic and took you horseback riding. But just as he was about to propose to you, it started to rain. You hid under a tree, and since he wanted to be a gentleman to you and take care of you, he handed you his jacket so you wouldn't get cold. But he forgot that he had a ring box in his pocket. As you shoved your hands into pockets, he saw your eyes widen and realized he had ruined everything.

"Javi, is that?" you asked.

"Yes," he murmured. "I'm sorry, it wasn't supposed to look like this... I was supposed to kneel there." He pointed to where the blanket was. "This was supposed to be…"

You didn't let him finish his sentence as you stood on your toes, wrapped your arms around his neck, and kissed him.

"Yes," you whispered into his mouth and started laughing.

Javier had never felt so happy. What in his eyes was a failure, you turned into a success. He grabbed your hips and lifted you, turning around with you in his arms. He laughed with you and realized that you are his light.

Even your quiet wedding wasn't a problem for you. Javier has seen you accept his past and reputation. Right after you got married, he decided one thing: he would be the best husband in the world.

And you, in his eyes, were the sweetest, best wife he could ever dream of. When he came home tired, you were waiting for him with dinner. You rubbed his back and told him about your day. You never held anything against him. One day when he wanted to make you breakfast he burned the pancakes, and you turned it into a joke. You told him he couldn't be too perfect, otherwise, he wouldn't be real.

So he tried to be the best version of himself for you. He showered you with compliments and made sure you knew how much he loved you. He gave you little gifts and always made sure he brought you to several orgasms.

He even started smoking less because your dad died of lung cancer. And no, he wasn't worried about himself, but just about you. So he always made sure you were out of reach of cigarette smoke.

Being your loving husband became the meaning of his life.

But paradoxically, the more he loved you, the bigger the shadows behind him got. It all started with an innocent trip to a bar. You were going to meet some friends for a few drinks and you wanted him to go with you. Another thing that surprised him. You weren't ashamed to go to parties with him, on the contrary, you shined more with him.

However, Javier was not too enthusiastic. After all, he told you that he would join you later. However, he didn't feel like it so much that he thought about calling you with some excuse, but he made you a promise that he would come. He couldn't let you down. When he entered the bar, he immediately noticed you, his Sun. You were laughing with your friends and you were unaware of his presence. He didn't come to you right away. Sometimes he liked to watch you from a distance, and it was satisfying to see other men look at you. He loved their disappointed expressions when you tapped your wedding ring with your fingernail or when you snuggled into his side.

At one point he saw some guy staring at you and he didn't like it. It was no ordinary look of delight. There was something predatory about his gaze. Javier frowned and saw you heading towards the bathroom, the weird guy following you. So of course he followed you too. As you walked down the hall he shouted:

"Y/N, baby!"

You turned around with a big smile and ran towards him. You almost bumped into this shady dude on the way, but you didn't seem to notice him. Only your husband mattered to you.

You fell into his arms with a giggle.

"After all, you are Honey!!!"

He smiled and his finger tapped you on the nose. "How many drinks have you had already?"

"Only four... Maybe five and uh... I need to pee."

Javi shook his head and gently wrapped his arms around your waist. "Go, I'll wait here."

As you walked away, he noticed that the suspicious type had disappeared. It was as if he had vanished into thin air. Javier ignored it. Only you mattered.

Two days later you were hanging around the kitchen preparing breakfast. The radio was playing happy music as you rocked your hips. Javier licked his lips at the sight. He wasn't ready for round two after he finished in you that morning, but the sight was tempting. To occupy his mind with something else, he grabbed the newspaper and immediately opened the crime column, an old habit. But what he read made his heart almost leap out of his chest. A young woman was brutally raped and beaten next to the club where you spent the evening. There was a preliminary description of the rapist that matched the guy who followed you into the bathroom. Javier looked at you and swallowed. Everything was fit. Place, time, description… He imagined your naked, bruised body. Your broken like Helena's. If he hadn't come... If he'd called you with that stupid excuse.

Suddenly he felt your touch on his cheek and realized that you were asking him something.

"What?" he gasped.

"I asked if you're okay. You've turned pale, darling."

Javier nodded and pulled you onto his lap.

"I just want to hug you for a while."

You combed his hair and kissed his head. "Do what you want, baby."

Javier wrapped his arms around you tightly and sighed. Your closeness soothed him, but he kept thinking about it. What if it happened to you? Would it be his fault? What if the rapist beat you so badly that you died from injuries? It's all his fault. Because Javier Peña attracted evil.

And so your light made his shadows lengthen. First, he dreamed of Helena, raped and wounded, lying on a dirty mattress. Then the boy was killed by Carrillo. Sometimes Olivia's mother. Nightmares where he and Steve were late and Olivia died too. Javier thought about it more and more. About all the evil he has allowed. Every time when he was late and someone died. Then he started thinking you weren't safe with him.

Before he knew it, his shadows had swallowed him whole, and he couldn't fight them. It pained him to see you still trying. Even when he was broken, you didn't give up on him and that made him even more distant. He didn't think he deserved you and you shouldn't waste your life on someone like him.

And then he started noticing subtle changes in your behavior. You didn't wait for him with dinner anymore. You were coming back home late and kept close your phone. One night he came back very late. Normally he always slept on the couch then, but something drew him to you. He carefully laid down on the bed next to you and that's when he smell it. Another man's perfume. His heart squeezed painfully and he locked himself in the bathroom where he cried.

But that's what he wanted, you to leave. For a moment he even wanted to laugh at the irony of fate. Once he had abandoned the woman at the altar, and now he was about to be abandoned by his wife. He probably deserved it.

It didn't take long for him to discover who you were having an affair with. And that hurt him too. He expected you to take someone younger and then he could tell himself that his age was the problem. But no. You chose a man named Joel Miller. Javier used his connections with the police and checked him out, but found nothing alarming. No history of violence. Only a few speeding tickets.

So he accepted it and waited for you to tell him you were leaving. Every day he returned with a heavy heart. Every day he expected to see your suitcases or his. And it was like the torture you gave him. This made him more and more angry and bitter every day.

And then Joel was gone, but you stayed and tried to be his sweet wife again, and he wanted to scream in pain. He didn't understand why you doing it. Did you afraid of divorce and scandal?

But he made the decision to take the blame. He loved you too much to expose you to the wrath of your conservative mother and his father. It was easier that way. After all, this is him, Javier Peña, a regular visitor to a Colombian whorehouse. He knew, of course, that some people would mock you, but for most, you would be a victim.

The situation would be different if they knew you were the one who cheated him. Then everyone would look at you like you're a whore, and Javier wouldn't take it. That would be unfair.

Finally, during one of your arguments, the balloon popped and you let everything out. He saw you didn't say it consciously. And on the one hand, he felt relief, and on the other pain.

And of course, he decided to pretend he didn't know about your affair. He didn't want you to feel even more guilty. When you asked if he would fight for yours marriage, he wanted to scream 'YES'. But he no longer believed that you loved him and he wanted you to be free.

Leaving the house was the hardest thing he'd ever done. His heart broke into a million pieces.

Get these left handed lovers out of your way They look hopeful but you, you should not stay If you want me to break down and give you the keys I can do that but I can’t let you leave Oh, please don’t go I want you so I can’t let go For I lose control

*Barcelona - Please don't go

I cry ugly because Javier is so good husband… And I hurt him so much 🤧😭

Part 1

Part 3

[a-really-bad-decision]

Look. I get that folks who are approaching the finale from this angle are usually doing so from a place of genuine good faith and love for Joel. But like. If your immediate reaction after finishing season 1 is to insist that the cure never could have been developed/distributed/tested/viable and that the Fireflies were stupid/naive/slapdicks/never could have accomplished it anyways, so Joel Definitely Did Nothing Wrong, I can’t help but feel like you’re wildly missing the point of it all.

Because like. Joel did not ever care if the cure could have worked. He did not care if it’s what Ellie might have wanted in that moment (neither did the fireflies of course, but they’re not the ones who traveled by her side, protected her, made her feel safe and cared about). Neither of these were ever a point of consideration in the finale. Ellie’s death and the resultant hypothetical cure could have had a guaranteed 100% success rate. It could have spread instantly, around the world the moment they removed her brain from her skull, turning every single runner, clicker, and bloater back to a healthy human being, with no deleterious side effect.

And Joel still would have shot that doctor point blank in the face.

Because that moment right there, is the point. To me at least. It’s the climax that the whole story has been building towards: a father’s beautiful, selfish decision to save his daughter at the literal cost of the entire world. And not just the world in an abstract sense, but in ways that carry weight to him on a deeply personal level. Tess’ dying wish. A real future for his niece or nephew. Ellie’s own agency in all of this. And he did it without hesitating for a moment.

Going from treating Ellie like cargo, like a clicker waiting to happen, to deciding that her life is more important to him than than any other human being who was or ever will be born? Regardless of whether it’s “““healthy”””, that’s an incredible fucking relationship arc. And it only has this level of gravity and meaning if there are genuine consequences to making that decision.

(And let me be clear here: none of this is a moral indictment of Joel. Joel’s motivations, actions, decisions etc. are all incredibly blatant, human, and relatable, and if he’d done anything but go on that rampage, it would have contradicted everything we know and understand about him so far. Also, he’s fucking fictional. Who gives a shit if he did a Kinda Amoral Thing. None of it is real, and it doesn’t matter)

The argument here isn’t that Fireflies Good And Smart And Can Totally Save The World For Sure Guys, or Joel Did Objectively Bad Thing And Is Unforgivable Bad Forever Now. The argument is that the show is much more interesting and internally consistent if you buy into the idea that there’s a chance, even a slim one, that the fireflies could have extracted a viable vaccine at the terrible cost of a fourteen year old girl’s life. That maybe Joel did prevent a cure from being made – that he potentially did doom the world for Ellie (or at least doomed it to another few decades of limping painfully by until something else came along). And that despite the cost, he pulled that trigger, brutally and without hesitation. He did it knowing that he’ll have to go on living with the knowledge of what he took from everyone, and how effortless it was to make that choice in spite of it all. That he’ll willingly betray Ellie’s trust as many times as he has to if it means keeping her from taking the burden of that guilt on herself, but also because he can’t bear the thought of her hating him if she learned the truth. And most of all (and in his own words), that if he was given the chance to go back and do it again, he would have made the exact same choice all over.

You take that out, and what kinda finale do you get now? A run and gun scene of a man rescuing a girl that he’s come to love, sure, but now it’s from a bunch of one dimensional, child murdering villains, set in a place they never had to go to, preceded by a journey that was rendered useless before they even left, all because there was never any chance of it working in the first place. Pointless roundabout cynicism, and an endpoint that now textually only existed to stick the protagonists in their get along sweater.

You don’t have to agree with this specific interpretation of the ending. I get that this can come across as a harsh reading of Joel, especially since he’s a character that myself and others genuinely like a lot. But that nitpicky fixation on proving that the cure never could have worked always felt more for the benefit of the uncomfortable player/viewer than as any sort of actual narrative improvement. A way to divest yourself of ever having to sit with the weight of either choice. Of having to think about the way that a secret so massive, sitting unspoken between you and a loved one, can rot that relationship. Of the way that someone you thought you trusted can act in your best interests, but against your own wishes.

And if that’s not what you want from the show, genuinely and without judgment: that’s fine. You keep doing you. I’m just not sure why you’re watching something like tlou otherwise.

[zipadeea]

Haven’t played the game but I watched winter and the hospital gameplay of tlou last night and here’s why Joel absolutely made the best decision:

(SPOILERS)

1. My dude had a raging concussion friends. He was slammed in the head and out so cold the fireflies were able to move him into a bed in the hospital, and he had absolutely no idea where Ellie was. Then, Joel wakes up and is told Ellie lived, but btw we’re gonna kill her to save the world. And all my dude with a raging concussion hears is you’re going to kill my child, so obviously he takes on the whole hospital and saves her.

2. Ellie is different after winter. She is withdrawn, traumatized, obviously depressed and terrified. It does not matter if, as Marlene says, this is what Ellie wants, because the Ellie that joel knows is a survivor to her core. She wants to live. This post-winter Ellie might make the decision to die, but she is not in the right headspace to make that decision.

3. Ellie is fourteen. It should never even be up to her (if the fireflies gave her that chance, but that’s another whole point here). In a perfect world, medical decisions would be made by her parent/guardian. And Marlene gave up those rights when she had Joel take Ellie across the country.

4. The fireflies are hypocrites.

They fight for years against FEDRA for democracy and freedom and the rights of the people. But the moment it comes to “the fate of humanity” and “the only thing that can save us”, personal rights go out the window. Which is exactly what FEDRA did. The fireflies are defaulting to arguments for FEDRA when it comes Ellie.

(Also just, side note, but it’s really Marlene’s lack of emotional intelligence that fucks this all up for her. Like, I’m glad it was ends the way it does, but Marlene never should have told Joel that Ellie survived drowning. “How did you make it, I lost half my crew on the trip.” They adopted each other moron! Ellie imprinted on Joel like a duckling, and Joel (whom Marlene knows to be a very dangerous, closed off person) would find a way to take Ellie to the moon if she asked it of him. Marlene not seeing that killed everyone in the hospital.)

5. Finally, the doctor jumping straight to digging into Ellie’s brain and killing her is rash and stupid. There had to have been other tests they could have done first. He seems idiotic and very desperate and I don’t think it would have worked. Ellie would be dead and there still wouldn’t be a cure.

[penportrayal]

The Art of Picking Your Battles: Not Every Fight is Yours to Win

In the chaotic theater of life, it's easy to fall into the trap of believing that every battle that comes our way is meant for us to fight. We often find ourselves donning our metaphorical armor, ready to charge into the fray. But what if I told you that not every battle is yours to fight? In this blog, we'll explore the wisdom of choosing our battles wisely, with a touch of humor, a sprinkle of statistics, and a dash of life-changing advice.

"Every battle is not yours to fight; you have to pick your battles."

— Joel Osteen

Joel Osteen's words echo a universal truth: not every skirmish deserves your time, energy, and sanity. Let's dive into why this is the case, with a bit of statistical insight.

The Statistics Behind Picking Battles:

Did you know that an average person makes around 35,000 decisions every day? That's right, 35,000! Some of these decisions are as trivial as choosing what to wear or eat, while others are more substantial, like career choices or relationship decisions.

Now, consider this: studies show that the more decisions we make, the worse our decision-making abilities become over time. It's called decision fatigue. Just like a muscle that tires out, our brains get exhausted from making too many choices. When we engage in unnecessary battles, we're essentially adding more weights to an already overburdened decision-making muscle. Imagine carrying a heavy backpack filled with unnecessary burdens. This is what happens when we choose to engage in every battle that comes our way, whether it's an argument with a loved one, a workplace conflict, or even societal issues.

So, what can we do about it?

1. Prioritize Battles Like You're Packing for a Trip

Think of life as a journey, and battles as items you need to pack. Not everything in your closet makes it into your suitcase when you travel, right? Similarly, not every problem or conflict should be allowed into your mental suitcase. Prioritize the ones that truly matter.

2. Seek the Big Picture Perspective

Imagine you're in a traffic jam. Frustration sets in, and you're tempted to honk and express your displeasure at every driver who dares to cut you off. But take a step back and ask yourself: will honking at every offender make the traffic move any faster? The big-picture perspective often reveals that engaging in these minor skirmishes won't lead to any significant change.

3. Embrace the Power of 'No'

As humans, we often find it challenging to say 'no.' Whether it's a coworker asking for a favor or a friend asking for your time, we hesitate to decline. But remember, saying 'no' is not a sign of weakness; it's a sign of wisdom. It's your way of preserving your mental energy and directing it toward battles that genuinely matter.

4. Let Go of Perfectionism

Have you ever found yourself obsessing over making something absolutely perfect? Whether it's a work project, a home-cooked meal, or a personal goal, the pursuit of perfection can be exhausting. It's like trying to hit a constantly moving target. And guess what? Perfectionism is a battle in itself, one that can drain your energy and leave you feeling defeated.

Remember that not everything needs to be flawless. Sometimes, good enough is indeed good enough. By letting go of the need for perfection in every aspect of your life, you free up valuable mental space and time to focus on what truly matters to you.

5. Focus on Self-Care

Engaging in every battle, big or small, can take a toll on your mental well-being. Prioritize self-care to ensure you have the strength to fight the battles that are worth your time and effort.

Think about your mental and emotional well-being as a precious resource. Just like you'd take care of your physical health, it's essential to prioritize self-care for your mental health too. The statistics show that millions of adults struggle with mental health issues, and it's a reminder that we all need to take steps to protect our well-being.

When you engage in every battle that comes your way, big or small, you risk depleting your mental and emotional reserves. By picking your battles wisely and taking time for self-care, you ensure that you have the strength and resilience to face life's challenges with grace and composure.

So, the next time you find yourself tempted to dive into a trivial argument or take on someone else's drama, remember this: not every battle is yours to fight. Choose wisely, preserve your energy, and focus on what truly matters in your unique journey through life. Your future self will thank you for it, and you'll find greater joy and fulfillment along the way.

[eddyxftz]

ꕀ ᐝ 𖠳 theo james, cis man, he&him 𖠳 ᐝ ꕀ ‷ heads up ; if you hear MY LIFE by BILLY JOEL blaring, it’s most likely EDWARD FITZGERALD making their way down the shore ! they’re 36 years old and celebrate their birthday on 01/01 - i knew they were a CAPRICORN ! especially since they’re very CHARMING and IMPULSIVE. they are from PORT ST. LUCIE, FL, staying in DOWNTOWN and are currently working as a TOUR GUIDE, here at the cape. they always did remind me of long boozy boat rides, late night beach trips, and buying a round for the entire bar |||| tw: death

Stats

Full Name: Edward Alexander Thomas Fitzgerald

Nickname(s): Eddy, Fitz.

Age/Date Of Birth: Thirty Six/1st January

Gender/Pronouns: Cis Man, He/him

Height: 6''

Sexuality: Bisexul

Occupation: Tour Guide

Parents: Alexander & Maria Fitzgerald

Siblings: Alex(39), Margot(26), Phillip(21)

Personality:

Zodiac Sign: Capricorn

Positive Traits: Confident, Modest, Generous.

Negative Traits: Impulsive, Impatient, Argumentative.

Hobbies: Sailing, Drinking & Jogging.

Likes: Boats, Classic Movies, Breakfast Food, 70s Music.

Dislikes: Flying, Rude Customers, Show Offs, Loud People.

Biography:

Edward was born into a wealthy family. His father was the owner of one of the biggest publishing empires in America, a role that had been handed down in the Fitzgerald family for generations.

His family was rich but Edward had always had a very different relationship with money than them. He never made any insanely large purchases, and never told people about his wealth.

Edward always had a very strained relationship with the other members of his immediate family, especially his father. His dad was extremely boastful about his wealth and careless with money. Something that never sat right with Eddy.

Edward always had a much closer bond with his Grandfather, who seemed to have a similar mindset to Eddy, and often told him about how much he regretted spoiling Edward's father as a child.

He spent many summers with his grandparents, choosing to visit them rather than go on lavish holidays with his family.

Edward and his grandfather bonded over their shared love of sailing, and the two would spend hours on his grandad's yacht.

In high school he was popular, well liked by everybody around him, but he was constantly at war with himself about whether people liked him for him, or for how much money his family had.

Eddy went to college to study History, mostly to keep his parents off his back since he still had no clue what he wanted to do in life.

As soon as he graduated he moved to Florida to try and distance himself from his family name and his father's watchful eyes.

When he was around twenty four his grandfather gifted him with his old yacht as an early birthday present and to spite Edward's father who had always wanted it to sell.

Edward loved it and spent months fixing it up and repairing it until it was truly sea worthy again. After he had had some fun sailing around the coast and partying with a few close friends on it, he decided he'd put it to some use and began giving boat tours to local tourists.

A few months into his tour guide gid he met Chayce. Eddy had never been much of a relationship guy since he always struggle to trust people so easily, but Chayce was different. It started off as hook ups and developed into a relationship quite quickly. They dated for a few a year or two and everything was going great, until Eddy had to leave.

His grandfather had gotten sick so Eddy decided to go and take care of him, considering all that man had done for him. Him and Chayce tried to make it work long distance, but eventually Edward decided it was best to break things off.

It wasn't an easy decision for Edward and it did take it's toll, but he knew deep down it was the right choice to make.

After almost four years of caring for his grandfather he unfortunately passed away. Leaving almost his entire fortune exclusively to Edward.

Edward's family was not happy about this at all, especially his father but it was what Eddy's grandfather wanted and there was no way he'd disrespect his grandfather's wishes.

Eddy was practically shunned by his father not long after all of this, and though he had never had much of a relationship or a liking for the man, it did hurt a little how quickly his siblings and even his mother followed suit.

He decided to not dwell on it for too long though and sailed his grandfathers boat around the east coast until he ended up in Cape May.

He now gives guided boat tours to tourists based on a few quick facts he got from google, but it's really Eddy's charm and charisma that keep customers coming back for more.

Other Stuff/Random Shit:

Edward lives in an apartment in Downtown that he shares with Leon Amos. He could easily afford one of the pricier houses in Cape May but likes to keep his living arrangements more simple and modest, and he loves having a room mate.

He hasn't spoken to any of his family members since his grandfathers funeral, but often debates reaching out to his siblings though he's unsure he'd even get a response.

He's extremely generous and giving, especially when he's drunk and has been known to pay an entire bar's tab when he's in a good enough mood.

His music tastes is very 60's & 70's orientated. He loves anything Billy Joel, Presley or Fleetwood Mac related and is known for blasting music off of his boat late at night.

He doesn't just use his boat for tours, he sometimes rents it out to locals who just want a trip around the Cape and anybody who wants to party and doesn't mind paying the damage.

He isn't the greatest driver and has crashed the boat several times in the last couple of months, but will never let anybody else drive it, ever, no matter what.

tbc

Wanted Connections

Regular Customers

Ex(Hook Ups, Dates, FWB)

Best Friend

ANYTHING.

[phantom-of-the-501st]

Thoughts on Joel's Decision

Okay... so the last episode of TLOU was... a lot. And obviously, one of the biggest questions to come out of it is did Joel do the right thing?

Now there's always gonna be people that don't agree and that's understandable but I'm just gonna drop where my brain is at with this show atm because oh boy is everything complicated.

Did Joel do the right thing?

To be blunt? No. But it all gets a lot more messy than this.

I think the best place to start is whether or not Joel prevented the end of the apocalypse and honestly speaking, I don't think so. Now I don't study medicine so I'm not going to claim that I'm an expert on making vaccinations, but the limited microbiology, bacteriology and virology that I've studied gives me I small idea on whether or not the Fireflies' plan was ever actually viable. And I don't think it was.

As of 2023, while there are a few in development, we do not have a single vaccination that can be used to treat fungal infections. Now seeing as we haven't been able to make one up until now, the chance of producing one during an apocalypse where technology hasn't been updated since 2003? Yeah... probably not going to happen. And even if they did have the facilities, I'm still not sure if it would even work. I don't have enough of an understanding of medicine to know if giving people specific signalling chemicals would work, but I'm a little iffy on the idea. The way that vaccinations work is by introducing the body to a pathogen (something that causes disease) in a form or dose that will not do a lot of damage, but will allow the body to learn how to fight it. But that's not the plan here. They aren't planning on creating a cure that will allow the body to fight off Cordyceps, they plan to make something that will trick the fungus into thinking that that person is already infected.

And I'm not entirely sure that that's possible.

But like I said, I'm not an expert on medicine so for the benefit of the doubt, let's say that they actually do make a cure. Hooray! This means that they can save the world right? ...right?

Errr... no. Even if the Fireflies did manage to make a cure, A) how are they planning to make enough of this cure to treat this many people? and B) how do they expect to transport this cure?

We have to remember that this is a global apocalypse. They would have to get this cure to everywhere on the planet where there are people who are at risk of being infected. Bearing I mind, medicines (especially vaccinations) have to be stored in specific conditions. Seeing as they are currently struggling to find food, I don't know how they plan to get enough equipment together to ship this cure off the right places and for it to still be in a good enough condition to be usable by the time it gets there. And then the cure has to be administered to enough people for it to prevent the outbreak from happening again. For this to happen, you need to reach herd immunity, which, depending on the thing being treated, requires between around 70-90% of the population being vaccinated.

I get that they wanted to find an end to the apocalypse, but I don't think that the Fireflies would have been able to produce a cure, make enough of it to vaccinate 70-90% of the population and then distribute it worldwide.

But even then, I still don't think that all of that justifies Joel's actions. Joel didn't go to find Ellie, guns blazing, because he had thought through the logistics of the Fireflies' plan. Someone was threatening to take his daughter away from him again and he snapped. Even if he didn't prevent the end of the apocalypse, he still killed a lot of people to protect one girl.

And the argument can't even be made that he did it for her. Sure, there would be a part of him that is rescuing her so that she doesn't have to go through those experiments and tests, but ultimately, he did it for himself. He tells Ellie earlier on in the episode that they don't need to to go through with it but she chooses to carry on. She doesn't want everything she did to be for nothing.

She made the choice to go through with the plan and Joel disobeyed her.

At the end of the day, what Joel did was selfish. Even if the plan to make a cure hadn't worked, he still went against the wishes of the person he was protecting and he did it for himself. And what's even worse, he lied to Ellie about what he had done because he knew that she wouldn't have agreed with him.

So no, I don't think Joel made the right choice.

But I don't hate him. There's a part of me that gets it. It's really hard to apply moral justification when we don't live in the world that these people do and every character in this show, including Joel is living with extreme trauma. We know how much the death of Sarah can trigger him, so it isn't surprising that this situation caused him to snap. It's understandable.

But I don't think that that makes him right.

[evelynhenare1]

TLOU FINALE SPOILERS

I’m wading into the hellscape that is the “Is Joel Right in the TLOU Finale” discourse as someone who hasn’t played the games so I’m basing this off the show entirely (I do plan to play the games so no game spoilers.)

I’ve seen a lot of people argue that the Firefly’s cure wouldn’t have worked or that they couldn’t have produced it but imho that argument completely misses the point.

Joel in that episode never once questions if the cure would work, he doesn’t care. The effectiveness of potential cure played literally zero role in his decision making. He could have been provided 100% certainty that the cure would work completely and the apocalypse would end and he would have made the exact same decision as we saw him make.

In my view he did what he did knowing he was dooming the world but it was worth it to save Ellie.

And before you get me wrong, I completely understand where Joel was coming from!! I just think the potential effectiveness of the Firefly’s cure is irrelevant to ethical discussions of Joel’s actions.

[agirlking]

Hi, fellow anti-anti here, so please let's be friends even if we agree to disagree because it's all fiction anyway :) And sorry about the long ask.

I saw your posts about Joel, and I do get your point - that Joel was motivated by his own feelings, not morality. But I genuinely want to understand why you think Joel was the bad guy in that ending.

The Fireflies didn't ask Ellie if she was ok with sacrificing herself to make the vaccine and didn't let Joel talk to her. The only explanation as to why is because that way Marlene and Jerry could comfort themselves by believing Ellie would have said "yes" rather than risking her saying "no" and having to kill a horrified Ellie explicitly against her will.

If the Fireflies had given Ellie a choice, if Joel and Ellie had the opportunity to talk first, if Joel were unable to convince her to not go through with the surgery/sacrifice, and heard from her own lips that this was what she really wanted... Can you see Joel gunning down the Fireflies in cold blood while dragging a horrified Ellie away from the hospital against her will? I think most fans' gripe with the narrative in Part II that Joel took away Ellie's choice is because the Fireflies were the ones who actually did that.

And yes, later Ellie feels betrayed by Joel's actions and lies, and she says she would rather have followed Marlene’s plan. But let’s invert the original scene: When Ellie is just about to get sedated for the surgery, she hears shots being fired and Joel’s scream. She runs off and sees Joel dead and Marlene holding the gun that killed him. Ellie realizes the truth: nobody had told her that the surgery would kill her and Joel was trying to stop them. Would she still have followed Marlene and accepted her death peacefully, and think Joel was in the wrong for trying to save her? I think it’s natural for Ellie to get mad at Joel for what he did and ignore Marlene precisely because Joel survived and Marlene didn’t, but I fully believe if the scenario was inverted, Ellie would have supported Joel’s actions.

I don’t really see what makes Joel the bad person, I think in the end he was basically a cornered animal who reacted purely on impulse to the Fireflies’ unilateral decisions. Would really like to know your point of view on what makes him bad.

I don't say this with disrespect, but honestly I'm exhausted of having this argument, cause it just goes in circles, so I'm not going to get TOO into all of this.

Joel doomed humanity for his own feelings. Joel disregarded Ellie's agency and autonomy for his own feelings. That makes him the bad guy. He was not panicking when he killed them, he was calm. He knew what he was doing, and his calm demeanor in the car afterward and his unflinching lies only prove that.

I very very very very VERY VERY VERY often see this argument of "The FIREFLIES took her choice because they didn't ask her." But...Ellie told Joel before they got there she wanted the cure made period. At any cost. Did she use the words "including if it kills me"? No. Was that the implication? Yes. Her decision was MADE. (And if they were taking her choice then why is it okay Joel did that too? Wouldn't the answer be he should've broken her out and run off and given her a chance to wake up and decide to go back? But he didn't do that, because it wasn't about that. This is what I mean when I say people push their own morals onto it. Joel did not think for a second about how wrong it was Ellie didn't get to choose, he was thinking how he'd feel if she died. Which is a very normal way for a parent to react.) It doesn't MATTER the Fireflies made a decision instead of asking her (who would want to do that? Let a kid know you're going to kill them? And as saving humanity is objectively more important than ONE life, then what would they do if she said that wasn't okay? They'd have to kill her anyway, yeah you're right it probably was to comfort themselves because they were not psychopaths who wanted to do this, but recognized they had to.) Because Ellie already made that choice.

That was the whole reason for Sam, that plus her experience with Riley. Ellie WATCHED two people turn and die that could've been saved with a cure. (This was further emphasized with the body she finds in the hotel with Joel in the second game). She can't ignore that. She doesn't value her life more than everyone else's, and she SHOULDN'T, because as much as we and Joel love her her life isn't more valuable than every person that won't have to turn, and be killed by someone they love, if a cure and or vaccine existed.

And Joel was already a bad person. The first game told us that before the ending. Tommy's reactions told us that. Joel realizing the guy was faking his injury told us that. How calmly he was able to bludgeon a man to death told us that, (I do not blame him for wanting to stop Ellie being cannibalized and assaulted, I'm talking about his demeanor and how calm it was). Joel was never good.

And that's okay! It's okay Joel is not good and it's okay he did something wildly wrong, that makes him interesting. And he does still love Ellie and in many ways was a good father. That does not make him a good person.

I guess part of the issue with why I disagree with so much of the fandom here is I'm a type of person who sees those "you can kill ten people to save one newborn or sacrifice the newborn to save ten people" questions and go "well sacrifice the newborn. Duh. Needs of the many." So I have never gotten how it could be a debate, regardless of how it went down, if it was right to destroy all possibility of a cure. To me it would never be right. Though I acknowledge that's me putting my morals on the situation lol so I'm not fully above it. But I think it let me step back from the knee-jerk reaction of "but they're killing a kid!" to think about it differently.

I apologize if I sound hostile, I tend to be passionate, and as I said I've spent YEARS seeing people ignore what the story was trying to say, and in the process harass a lot of people (like Abby's face model...) because their headcanons weren't what they chose to validate, even though narratively and tonally the second game was sound. Hell we even all knew Joel would die! The very first teaser trailer we saw everyone went "oh Joel's going to die." But then it happened and everyone acted shocked.

[texasobserver]

“Texas Lawyers Violated Legal Ethics Over Expired Execution Drugs” by Stephen Cooper on the Texas Observer:

Earlier this month human rights advocates, legal experts, and other conscientious citizens had their eyes squarely fixed on Texas as it was primed to execute Robert Fratta on January 15. In the process of exterminating Fratta, state lawyers discarded their ethical obligations in a rush to kill.

Fratta had joined a lawsuit filed by Wesley Ruiz (whose execution is scheduled for February 1) and John Balentine (whose execution is scheduled for February 8); as the Associated Press reported at the time, the men argued in Texas trial and appellate courts that the state “plans to use expired and unsafe drugs to carry out executions early this year in violation of state law.” In their court filings the condemned alleged expired pentobarbital—Texas’s drug of choice for killing—put them at “serious risk of pain and suffering in the execution process.”

As Texas Tribune reporter Jolie McCullough reported, Fratta was ultimately executed, but not before “a dramatic day of back-and-forth court decisions on whether the state could continue using lethal drugs long past their original expiration dates.”

The human, moral, and legal drama came to a head when state District Judge Catherine Mauzy of Austin issued a temporary injunction—briefly staying Fratta’s execution. Relying on the unrefuted declaration of a respected pharmacology expert, Mauzy ruled the Texas Department of Criminal Justice’s (TDCJ) stock of pentobarbital “is probably illegal to possess or administer because it is more likely than not expired.” 

As reported by McCullough, TDCJ appealed Mauzy’s ruling arguing she did not have jurisdiction in the case, an argument the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals and the Texas Supreme Court agreed with—allowing Fratta’s execution to proceed.

According to Dr. Joel Zivot, a practicing physician in anesthesiology and intensive care medicine at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia, and an expert opposed to the use of lethal injections, “The bizarre legal back and forth over the ‘safety’ of expired pentobarbital turns safety on its head.”

Zivot told the Texas Observer that the use of expiration dates “guides a clinician and reassures the public” over the reliability of a drug. “The conduct of a Texas lethal injection execution declares what has perhaps been obvious all along: While expiration date might make the therapeutic use of a drug more circumspect, the poisonous effect of the same drug never expires,” Zivot said.

“Owing to the zeal in which TDCJ applies itself to killing, it is hard not to imagine TDCJ might prefer to kill with expired drugs with the hope that the killing is even more torturous. Texas takes the pain of killing very seriously indeed,” Zivot concluded.

Read more at the Texas Observer.

[yeeyee-alumni]

Joel did not doom humanity (no matter how much the second game wants you to believe that)

To demonize Joel’s decision at the end of the first game (saving his surrogate daughter’s life) you need to bend over backwards and ignore any and all context the first game gave us with regards to who the Fireflies truly are. Because the truth of the matter is: a) they knocked Joel unconscious while he was trying to revive a young girl b) they drugged Ellie immediately to tear her body apart for their needs c) THEY DID NOT ASK ELLIE FOR PERMISSION to give her life for their cause, they didn’t even tell her she would have to die (Ellie was making plans with Joel after the giraffe scene, “Once we're done, we'll go wherever you want. Okay?”, clearly indicating she had no idea she would have to die) d) they did not let Ellie and Joel see each other to say their goodbyes e) they were about to walk Joel out into the wilderness without any of his gear/resources, which during the zombie apocalypse is a certain death sentence f) they didn’t hold up their end of the bargain (remember how Marlene promised Joel guns in return for delivering Ellie?) So even if you show them as much goodwill as possible, the Fireflies are still a bunch of assholes. If the exact opposite had happened, they let Joel go all on good terms and then he suddenly decided to turn around and murder everyone I would have called him a terrible person, but that is not what happened. As it stands, the Fireflies are shady and questionable at best. But it actually gets worse:

a) the procedure that would 100% kill Ellie had an incredibly low success rate (the doctor mentioned in his recording that every previous operation with other test subjects had failed) b) the same recording mentions cerebrospinal fluid having been extracted, meaning they were capable of performing a non-lethal spinal tab, but they’re unable to perform a non-lethal biopsy or craniotomy on Ellie? (this may seem like nit-picking, but actually further solidifies my point about how incompetent the Fireflies/Abby’s dad were/was) c) to add to their immense incompetence, mere hours after receiving Ellie they decide to IMMEDIATELY KILL THE ONLY PERSON KNOWN TO BE IMMUNE as oppose to keeping her alive for as long as possible to run every single test in existence on her. But let's paint a picture of the best case scenario, which is Jerry, the absolute legend that he is, actually manages to get a vaccine out of Ellie, what happens then? a) How are the Fireflies, who are nearly extinct at this point, supposed to MASS PRODUCE and NATIONWIDE DISTRIBUTE a vaccine? That is logistically impossible. b) More than likely, they would use the vaccine as a bargaining chip against FEDRA (granted, this is more a guess than a fact, but to believe they wouldn’t take advantage of the vaccine in the fight for political power against the government they’ve been fighting for years is beyond naïve). But let’s be even more generous: turns out the Fireflies are the most altruistic resistance group to have ever existed, they actually manage to produce and distribute the vaccine into every last corner of the country, everyone is immune. What now? a) You might be immune to spores and bites, but your immunity doesn’t help you when a clicker rips your throat out or a bloater crushes you to death, the infected can still kill you in numerous other ways. b) The faction wars going on are not gonna disappear overnight. WLF and Seraphites will continue to kill each other by the dozens every day, one could even argue that introducing a vaccine into the conflict would only cause things to escalate further. c) Numerous cannibals, hunters and bandits still roam the country, they will not abandon their practices overnight and they are arguably a much bigger threat than the infected to begin with. Just because everyone is immune does not mean that the world returns to sunshine, rainbows, and flowers. To imply that it would, means being simplistic and naive beyond reason. It should be obvious by now that Ellie’s death WOULD NOT HAVE IMPROVED ANYTHING. The chances of actually getting a vaccine are slim to none, the chances of vaccinating everyone are even more dour, and even then the overall situation would not improve much. With such bad prospects I wouldn't be willing to sacrifice my child either. (I am aware that an argument can be made that none of these factors had an impact on Joel’s decision to save Ellie, yet they’re still crucial when making a judgement about the Fireflies/Abby’s dad). To summarize: a) Abby’s dad was incompetent and a horrible person (his conversation with Abby in the second game tells us that he would not be willing to sacrifice his own child, but if it’s someone else’s it’s a-okay for him). b) The Fireflies were a malicious and incompetent terrorist group with messed up morals. c) No, Joel did not doom humanity. Subsequently, Abby’s quest for revenge was not justified because the Fireflies and her dad were never justified in their actions to begin with. And this is only solidified by the second game having to retcon the hell out of all these arguments I just painstakingly illustrated and explained in order to even attempt to have Abby’s motivation be seen as justified. Only one example being how it was clearly established in the first game that they had MULTIPLE doctors in Salt Lake City (Marlene: “The doctors tell me that the cordyceps, the growth inside her, has somehow mutated.”; Ellie: “She said that they have their own little quarantine zone. With doctors there still trying to find a cure.”). Yet in the second game we are told by

Abby that actually no, turns out her dad was the only doctor that could have developed vaccine. And it doesn't take mental gymnastics to see why the second game takes it upon itself to alter most of the context of the first one: to (retroactively!) condemn Joel. HOWEVER, a sequel doesn’t get to pick and choose which established facts from the first entry it builds upon or what it gets to retroactively declare as non-canon only to have it fit their preferred narrative. Quite frankly, that’s bad writing. A sequel, in order to be considered well-written, has to not only be a natural continuation of the events, but has to stay consistent with the characters and the world that were previously set up. And if you have to alter much of the context to make it look like Joel condemned the world, isn't that the most obvious sign that he never actually did? And all of this effort for just one goal: to justify Abby’s quest for revenge and yet it still wasn’t and here’s why: Joel killed her dad in order to PREVENT HIM FROM KILLING HIS DAUGHTER. Abby on the other hand WILFULLY SLOW TORTURED Joel for what appears to be hours, prolonging his death for as long as possible, all for her own gratification (and we won't mention how she went through with it despite Ellie's crying and pleading). And don’t even try to make the argument about Abby wanting “justice”, Joel didn’t torture her dad out of revenge or for his own gratification - this is not justice, this is simply sadistic. A man killing someone who is about to murder their child in semi-self-defense cannot be compared to someone wilfully slow torturing someone to death for their own gratification, like Jesus, I didn’t think I’d have to spell that one out. I am aware that the second game tries to do whatever it can, including retconning their own original story, to paint Ellie and (especially!) Joel as evil. And for a considerable amount of the player base this actually worked, and while I cannot find it in me to condemn them (we all experience stories differently after all), I reserve the right to reject arguments in defense of Abby such as “all people are forced to do bad things during the apocalypse” and “does context even matter?”. If the only way you can defend/justify Abby's actions is to remove all context and nuance, then your reasoning is built on quicksand.

[efterjoes]

A (critical) love letter to the Mint Maids!

Alright obviously I'm disappointed in how low the mint maids placed especially with all of the predictions putting them in 9th BUT regardless of their result they were SUCH a fun team...

This might be a very unpopular opinion but i really hope this sets a precedent for bringing back hermit-adjacent teams without a "carry", obviously some of the best players can be very sweet and encouraging such as pete, H, fruit and illumina, but false, ren (and co.) have proved time and time again that they are very capable - obviously this MCC wasn't the best example to show but there were some potential factors as to why they did not manage to overcome the expectations:

The maids were clearly not taking the competition aspect too seriously - martyn was promoting the charity (go donate!), not much strategy was discussed prior to each game. HITW also had a LOT of conversation even while some of the teammates were still alive.

The lack of practice - of course false had a mini practice stream the day prior but it seemed like the team had not planned out their mode of attack prior to the event and even though the team had great chemistry it seemed like most of the decisions that they made as a team were improvised/unplanned. False also MASSIVELY underperformed in HITW, the entire team in SOT, Grid Runners and Build Mart, False and Ren in TGTTOS - we've seen very strong showings from their past appearances and we know they're capable of more, even though they...

...lacked a clear leader! The leader doesn't necessarily have to be a top player, they just have to call the shots. We've seen glimpses of martyn and false showing great leadership in survival games and skybattle and that's what helped them survive and place as high as they did.

Martyn's weird monitor thing! Definitely a smaller factor as it only affected 1 of the 4

Thus, I am a firm believer that the mint maids could have done better IF they were in the right mindset to do so - from the point of view of competition, bantering about "wooo let's go 7th place pov" from the very start isn't that great, but yes obviously I love them for it. False and Ren generally struggle with confidence in MCC even if their company is very light-hearted anyway.

Someone on here made a great point about ren and false sacrificing their own individual pointage for the sake of the team which makes them fantastic team players and their low individual scores for this event are extremely misrepresentative of their value on the team. The only thing that was lacking was a working synergy with the rest of the team - in spite of everyone's great chemistry with each other, it's clear that they needed some practice as a team - Joel and Ren had never been paired in MCC before, Martyn had only teamed with FalseRen once. Refer to my lack of practice argument

Either way, it's super nice to see the senior mint maids in their prime, obviously I'm very happy to have chosen to watch them live as my POV of choice - it just was and is frustrating to see comments about them as if they had no chance at all to succeed just because they don't have fruit or pete "carrying" them. They came under 2000 points under the 8th-place team, and they obviously underperformed like hell. Team the hermits with scott and shubble maybe! Or kara and jordan! Martyn and joel 2.0! The possibilities are endless!

[tlou-1]

Joel x Reader (Home) - Chapter 14

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6| Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13| Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 TBA

Chapter 14 - You and Joel make up after being distant with each other (warning for smut) and you speak with Ellie sensing the argument between them is affecting their relationship. 

Joel had been crashing on the sofa the past couple nights, he knew you needed your space to process everything, so he didn’t even ask, he just did it. You were lying in the bed you both usually shared with a large empty space beside you still. You thought about Joel setting up a blanket and pillows for the fourth night, before wishing you a “Goodnight” as you had stopped at the bottom of the stairs to watch him. Your hand now reached across the bed wanting to feel the comfort of his body heat or weight of him around the mattress but the pillow was untouched and cold. 

It was late and dark, you could barely see where you were walking as you made your way downstairs. Standing at the bottom of the stairs you call out to him, hoping he hadn’t fallen asleep yet. 

“Joel?” You call his name softly, the way you said it sounded so much nicer than his name had sat in your mouth during your arguments in the past few days. 

“Hmm? Y/N is everything alright?” He asks sleepily, sitting up.

“Yes, come to bed? It’s too cold without you” you put out your hand which he takes silently and follows you back upstairs. 

As Joel gets into bed you stand to the bedside and slowly pull Joel’s shirt you were wearing over your head. You stand there naked infront of Joel only lit by the small amount of moonlight peering through the curtains. Joel sits up and begins to speak, “shhh” you hush him and climb on top of him. He begins to shower your neck and breasts in kisses and your head falls back in response. Joel slowly pushes you forward so as that you’re beneath him with your back laid upon the cool bed. He goes back to were he was kissing you but begins to trail his kisses from your breasts to the navel of your stomach where he stops. Joel holds his hands gently against there before kissing it slowly, the space where your child was growing. “I am sorry, I love you” he whispers against your skin. 

You sits back up and prop yourself on top of him again “I love you too” you say before adjusting him inside of you. You both let out a soft moan as soon as Joel enters you from the pleasure and relief. You shift your body in a gentle motion, you take your time with each other and being gentle with each touch. Joel gently lies you down and lowers his head in-between your legs where he slowly uses his mouth and tongue “God I missed this” he moans before setting his mouth back to work. You go to laugh at his comment but all the escapes your lips is a whimper and Joel picks up the pace of his tongue. He reaches his free hand for yours and you grip it tight as your hips buckle and legs shake with the intensity of the orgasm passing through you from the tip of your toe to the back of your head. 

“You good?” He whispers smiling as he sits back up positing himself. He always enjoyed pleasuring you, sometimes when he smiled like that you thought he enjoyed it more than when he would cum. Not many men were built like that.

All you could do was nod before he slowly adjusted himself within you and as he did it a pleasurable rush and relief washed right over him again, “Jesus Christ” he almost growled his hand reaching for the back of the bed board to hold himself up as you rocked your bodies in a slow motion. Your hand reached up to trace his jawline before pulling him down to kiss you. You could tell he was getting close when he pushed his forehead against yours and his panting became quicker. “Fuck Y/N” he called as his body tensed and went still inside yours. 

Joel collapsed on top of you, your body completely enwrapped in his in every possible way. You had never experienced it like this, when Joel usually came he would pull away from you to avoid any chance of you getting pregnant which you inevitability now already were. You had never pulled each other closer, you’d never looked into his eyes when it happened or felt how intensely his heart was beating against his chest and now against yours too. 

“I like this” you whisper a few moments later and Joel still hadn’t moved or removed himself.

“Hmm?” He says still a bit out of sorts.

“This, you pulling me closer instead of having to pull away and feeling the weight of you around me… it’s comforting” you smile stroking his slightly damp hair. 

Joel laughs and you cant help but join in “Lets not fight again Y/N, I don’t think I could have watched you walk around this house in those tight jeans one more day” he chuckles rolling over to his side of the bed. 

You whip your head round to look at him, its pretty dark but his hazel eyes are clear enough to see.

“Joel it was five days” you roll your eyes at him.

“It was five days too long” he sighs before quickly kissing you on the cheek and cuddling into you.

“Just no more secrets or lies okay?” you whisper in the dark. 

“Okay” he whispers back.

The following morning you both agree to go to Doctor Henry to tell her your decision.

“Well by my guessing with the time of your last period I am guessing you’re about 10 weeks, you’ll be staring to show a bit more from now and in the coming weeks.” She explains slowly. You cant help but look down at your stomach, it was already slightly curved but nothing people would notice. 

“I have an ultrasound hooked up, if you’d like to try listening for the heartbeat today?” Doctor Henry smiles. You had always hated being examined and hated the worn leather chair in the doctors office but when you heard that sound, the chair didn’t seem so bad. You had never heard a baby’s heartbeat before, it sounded a bit like Shimmer galloping across a field to you.

“Should it be going that fast?” You asked a little worried, to which Joel reached for your hand smiling.

“That’s normal baby don’t worry” he reassured you before kissing your hand. 

Two weeks later you and Joel walked out to Ellie’s shed one night to tell her the news. You thought she should know before breaking it to the rest of the family. 

“That’s amazing” she smiled and hugged you tightly. Which she was doing less and less often in her adolescence. She didn’t hug Joel but just awkwardly smiled at him before saying “congrats old man”. You and Joel were heading out when you asked him to go on ahead, you hadn’t wanted to intervene but maybe it was time you did chat with Ellie. 

“Ellie, you got a minute?” You say closing the door behind Joel. 

“Sure” she shrugs. 

“You wanna tell me what’s going on?” You sigh at her but again she just shrugs and answers with a non answer. 

“You know he is as stubborn as they come, about as stubborn as you and he can be emotionally stunted when it comes to expressing himself” you laugh slightly knowing how true it can be.

“but that man loves you Ellie. I have watched your old man fling himself in the way of infected, bloaters and trespassers to keep you safe in the almost two years I have know you, without even thinking about it, he is there. I think he doesn’t realise he is doing the same with patrols and other things that are just a part of life here. I will talk to him about it, you should be out on patrol if that’s what you want?” You ask her

Ellie nods “I do”. 

“Do me a favour though? Don’t forget why he does the things he does, I try not too.” you smile softly at her.

“Okay I’ll try”.