#not happy if that's rly cas's ending

[solarcas]

hi sorry i lied bc i forgot abt some art i made last month so actually there's two more posts do you still think i'm hot-

[Open for better quality!]

[souporsaladnatural]

In retrospect, having the episodes Free to Be You and Me and The End back to back is one of thee most insane things the show ever did. They rly went Ok, lets have an episode where dean uses his self proclaimed best pick up line on cas (used on another angel less than 1 season ago) takes cas to a brothel (dont worry, neither of them have sex with any of the women) and dean says he hasnt laughed this hard in years and cas grins at dean for the first time just because dean is happy and they both are genuinely enjoying each others company in the midst of attempting to stop the looming apocalypse. And then lets immediately have an episode that shows dean the repercussions of him pulling cas down to humanity and directly contrast cas' discomfort at the brothel with this cas hosting orgies, therefore creating a pattern of dean influencing cas' relationship with sexuality. Also lets directly replace a line about cas and dean only having each other left in this dark future with cas talking about sex with women some more (these things are in no way related, trust us) and then have dean saved from zachariah by cas, which will be followed by them giving each other the softest most tender looks you have ever seen. Do not think too hard about any of this, as it will never be brought up again. They have known each other for 1 season btw.

[rjschoicesstuff]

from the ship redux asks!!

general, 2. Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like? 15. What is their most common argument about?

love, 10. What do they like best about each other?

thank you 🌺

Thank uuu!!

Link

Putting it all below the cut cause it got rly long

General

2. Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like?

I've been thinking of making my version's timeline different from canon, so the party in the woods only happens on friday and Ripley actually has a pretty chill, normal first week up til that point. And in that case Ripley would already have asked Gabriela out on a date after school on wednesday cause Libby hyped her up enough to get the courage LMAO. They just went to Ripley's house after school to eat something and then Ripley drove them around town while Gabriela showed her all the interesting places and explaining Crimson Beech history (leaving the vampires out lol) and kept going like 'Hmm we could go here for our Next date... 😏'. And in the evening Ripley dropped Gabriela off at her house (I headcanon that all the teen/younger vampires live with adult vampires who pose as their parents and they just live in houses instead of in the Nexus) and Gabe gave Ripley a kiss on her cheek and Ripley almost got into a car accident while driving home because her head was in the clouds 👍.

Cas says that time they went into the woods and Ripley drank his blood was 'basically their first date' but Ripley is like 'No, a date is when you actively make date plans together and also if you actually like the other person, but I was still on the fence about staking and/or shooting you back then.' I imagine they actually don't really have a proper 'romantic' date until they've been 'official' for a while, like they hang out together and do stuff together but idk? Their 1st date was probably at like a fancy restaurant for shits and giggles, where the dishes are way too tiny and Cas had an issue with all the textures and stuff so Ripley ate it all instead 💀.

I think for their first Official Date as a triad Gabriela takes them out of town once the sun has gone down to some kinda vampire event in another city, also just kinda showing Cas that she wants to make him happy and is willing to go more out of her own comfort zone for that + get more in touch with her vampire side.

15. What is their most common argument about?

I think they have several periods where there's one certain thing they fight a lot about/that triggers fights, but which eventually gets sorted out or else it'd definitely become a serious issue lol (like the period after Ripley's turning, Cas feeling a bit cast aside/like Ripley likes Gabriela more and not communicating about that because he doesn't wanna admit he's jealous/insecure, Cas being reckless and getting himself banished for a week at some point and like 10 years in the future Ripley is gonna have another period where she mourns her humanity + resents Cas and Gabe for turning her, triggered by her friend Joy having a baby)

I feel like once they all start living together they end up having a lot of arguments about like chores and regarding Ripley and Cas having to clean up after themselves. And in turn Cas and Ripley start bickering with each other because they don't remember who made the mess. I think Cas also more quickly feels like they're antagonizing him or ganging up on him and reacting very defensively/argumentative to being confronted about things. Doesn't help that Ripley has a tendency to pick Gabriela's side lol 😭. Like she and Cas will do something Dumb and Gabriela scolds them about it and Ripley is just like 'y'know what, you're right, sorry'

Love

10. What do they like best about each other?

This turned so much more rambly than intented and I still narrowed it down to a few things lol

Like aside from that to Ripley Gabriela is like the most attractive woman in the world, she also just loves how kind she is and how she makes people feel at ease and how protective she is of those she loves. I also hc Gabe as the best fighter out of the 3 of them and Ripley loooves seeing her in action.

Cas really admires how smart Gabriela is and how much she knows about a lot of different things. Like whenever she drops a bunch of info on them he's just like amazed at how she retains all that info from some document she probably read a decade ago. And how if they run into any problems or need a plan, they can count on Gabriela to figure it out. He often teases her for being a nerd but it really is one of his favourite things about her lol.

I feel like while Cas never completely got over Gabe when they broke up around 30 years ago, Gabriela truly did fall out of love with him because Cas seemingly changed a lot (in a bad way) after being turned. But once they start spending time together again due to Ripley and she sees how he is with Ripley, she realises that while he definitely has changed (and so has she) that guy she fell in love with when she was 16 isn't gone either. She loves his more softer side, she loves seeing him take Seth under his wing and treat him like a little brother and stick up for him when others give him a hard time, before she and Cas get back together she loves seeing how soft he can be with Ripley and she wants him to hold her like that again too.. and eventually he will and in a way it's so healing to rekindle their whole relationship and get her boy back lol.

Ripley is totally Gabriela's type in girls, like she really digs the whole androgynous + alt look. She loves Ripley's curiosity and the whole werewolf interest is super endearing to her lol. She loves the way Ripley acts when she gets excited about something, she thinks she's so so so cute 😭. She loves how despite Ripley being human, she still gets protective over her and treats and views her as someone who can also get hurt, like I guess it makes her feel more human in a way? Ripley also really keeps track of what you like and stuff and she loves how thoughtful she is and just always is making sure she's happy and likes surprising her with little gifts.

Ripley thinks Cas makes her life so much more exciting, she really could not stand him at first, but he's just so funny and fun to be around and it's really endearing to her how it feels like he always tries to impress her, always looks behind him to see her reaction to things. Like she really didn't wanna like him but she couldn't help but like him lmao 😭, especially once he starts being more open and vulnerable with her. in general just like Gabriela she's a Big Fan of that side of him lol.

Cas also thinks Ripley is really fun and he thinks she's so interesting like she's such a fucking WEIRDO and he likes her like that!! And he loves how she fights back even when it's vampires against her, and honestly after knowing her for a few weeks and once she has a few talismans.. he genuinely wouldn't wanna get on her bad side because she seriously knows how to harm a vampire (and that's kinda hot to him). He likes that she talks back when he's being annoying. And now that she's a vampire he loves that she can actually push him around and stuff, he thinks being a vampire really suits her in general even if she still struggles with some aspects of it.

[lotus-es]

As much as i understand why you say that dean's death is lame and that it just felt like his way of death was out of spite, i feel like the wrighters gave the characters the death they wanted. All his life, dean wanted to die hunting, saving the world (and a vampire hunt counts two, and he does know how much even smaller things like thoes mean). This way he got to just have a normal death, not a like, boom its the end of the world and then i die yk? Everything had ended. Also, i feel like the way he died was kindve like, forced from dean. Now, im a total destiel shipper, and i think he kindve let him self die. While usualy, he realy takes in his environment and uses it to his advantage, thsi time, he didnt, wich was kindve off. So what i think happened is that he kindve lost a part of him self when he lost cas. His mind must be going nuts, so i do think that there is a part of him that was just tyerd. Also, especialy in earlier seasons, he saise are like, makes us understand that he doesn't feel like he shuld be alive, especialy since he has ben braught back to life so many times. An other point I would like to make is that with the type of drath he had, he got to tell sam at least most things he needed are wanted sam to know. We got the last kindve angsty kindve just happy fluffy brotherly moment, bm if you may, and i think that that was quite important for the closing of his character. A bit earlier on, I mentioned that I felt like the wrighters had given the characters death ghey wanted, and like, its not just for dean. Sam got to live the safe "apple pie" life with a famely, a girlfriend/wife, a kid, got to grow old and die peacefully. Cas is not dead but like, he got the death he wanted yk? He got to tell dean about his love for him, and that was his true moment of happiness, and he also got to save dean. We do not exactely know what he wanted in life as we do not get to explore his character like that, but if we had to guess, that was the death he wanted. Dying after telling dean he loved him and that he changed him, and that dean was the most loveble personne, also saving him. Ye

I'm rly sorry this is messy, I'm kindve feeling like poop rn :p, also, do not mind the mistakes everywere, if its to hard to read tho, you are welcomed to wright it down correctly in the comments :] (are ask me what I mean by the word I wrote wrong) (this has ben sitting in my drafts for a while i shuld probably post it now)

Why do this??? Why show us that Dean wanted out?? That Dean thought about quitting hunting. Retiring. That Dean wanted to LIVE. When you intended from the get go to impale him on a rusty rebar. Because "it was always gonna end like this." Because "it was supposed to end like this, right?" Because Dean „HAD TO DIE?????” What do you mean Dean would never stop hunting when you’ve literally showed us he wanted to???? What do you mean Dean wanted to die hunting when he literally said he DIDN'T??

[episbep]

rehab day twenty eight

gaaahhh crazy busy day it’s 1am and idek how it got here so quick?!!!!!

• started in advanced today, it’s different and quieter than the normal treatment centre but seems to be more about digging a bit deeper and adjusting unhelpful/detrimental behaviours than understanding addiction which is exactly what I feel I need to be working on at the moment as I’ve got a pretty good grasp on the basics (I think)

• the centre manager called me in for a meeting and has offered me another additional funded week in treatment!! So 6 weeks total, I was hesitant but snapped it up. I feel like my motivation and commitment to sobriety has been refreshed and I kind of “owe it” to the charity funding me and staff for believing in me and that they think I deserve it and will benefit from it, I am incredibly touched by their faith in me. I want to live a sober and prosperous life.

• missing my little crush, was super happy to see and hug him at the end of the day and we sat next to each other at the CA meeting this evening and had a phone call when I got back to the house. He’s not a fan of me talking to Flex so much but it’s apparently “not because of our little thing” 😏 (confirmation that he feels it too? I hope so)

• really inspirational and emotional CA meeting this evening - the main share was, wow and the shares she got back were also so refreshing to hear, I’ve never been to a bad CA meeting, they just feel a bit more real than some of the others but I’m not sure why exactly

• I’ve moved into a new house (it’s gorgeous) with one of my original housemates and two newbies - so far so good, things are harmonious and I picked the brightest room with trees outside the window🥰✨

• Flex is coming off really strong like too strong and it’s off putting, idk what to do about that rly but it is what it is atm

[chitaquagirl]

i deadass did not sleep at all last night what a wild fucking ride

[twoheadedcas]

when i finally get around to writing my the night we met inspired moc cas fic... then u all will see

[steveyockey]

do you think that -- if they WERE planning to do gay angel press initially -- part of the reason they didn't might have been the (reactionary) bury your gays backlash from fans and non-fans? in which case. twitter rly does ruin everything. :/

I’m not tied to this but here’s a hypothetical to work through that at least provides a theory on the lack of gay angel press (probably not very different from any other theory on this website but just writing it out for continuity),

okay. pre-pandemic. the arc of the final few episodes seems to have been set and 15.18 was the last piece, pending jensen’s approval. roadhouse heaven ending was a go — presumably featuring a cas cameo among other various and sundry friends. approving 15.18 introduces a problem by way of the fact that cas has just confessed his undying love for dean and there’s an expected response. but it’s fine! you don’t actually need that, you’ve been baiting fans for a decade, you can work your magic one more time with a lil wink and nudge and never have to deal with that again. ambiguous “to each his own” ending, you talk up the gay angel on one side and the bronly-ness of the last hunt on the other; everyone walks away happy. you have successfully threaded the needle of finishing off a twelve year queerbait without “caving to the fans,” high fives all around.

15.18 gets filmed. the angel is gay gay. the footage is. we don’t know what the footage looks like. there could be anything. maybe there’s a kiss with tongue. ends up not really mattering because the pandemic happens and they have to stop shooting and stop airing. no idea how much changes in 15.19 (clearly SOME stuff considering we know the folks who got chuck snapped in the silo were supposed to be shown back in the flesh and that got cut). 15.20 has to change — so roadhouse heaven becomes three person heaven (plus the cast and crew, who were already on set so no, this is not proof they could have brought a crowd of actors anyway, it’s just. weird. I don’t like this decision. strikes me as authoritative like WE told the story not YOU. anyway). putting cas in three person heaven makes winking and nudging a lot harder to do and would make the absence of an actual substantive response to the confession uhhhh very obvious. so you have to cut cas. and then maybe you have to cut other references to cas in 15.19, maybe you cut some emotionality from dean’s side in 15.18, maybe you straight up insert the moment in 15.20 where dean tells sam to stop being an eeyore about cas’s death! we don’t know how much was changed, but there was at least the opportunity at this point to dull dean’s response to the whole thing so the absence of cas in heaven is more palatable. it’s the bronly ending, but you already gave the audience the gay angel. and the gay angel is alive and building heaven with his son! no more cashing in on the queerbait but still cashing in on canon gay.

it’s november 5th. 15.18 airs. it trends higher than the biggest election “of our lives.” holy shit! gay angel! but of course the issue is the people responding aren’t the people who have been watching the show. they don’t have context for what’s going on and “turbohell” catches on. fuck. did you kill the gay angel? of course not, he’s in heaven with his son! lisa berry can post her goodbye instagram to her character because obviously billie’s dead, she’s the villain. she’s not expected to come back. but cas is... cas is different. and he’s not dead and you won’t be taking any questions on this until we get to the end, when everyone can settle down. so you have your actors gush about the episode, you leave everyone on pins and needles so they’ll come back for two more, and then! well. 15.20. cas is “alive” technically. dean is dead, as you always planned. some people are happy, some people are middling, and some people are fucking pissed at you because apparently by not outright killing off the gay angel you promised them the gay angel was coming back. any clarification you would offer here would unspool your entire plan — gay angel on one side, brothers on the other. erasing cas isn’t the same as killing him, but you can’t say that (though misha basically did in response to the rogue translator shenanigans). killing dean wasn’t even supposed to be about cas, but now everything is about cas. you took him out of the story completely and he’s still managed to take over. and all you can say is, well, it’s always been a story about brothers.

this obviously doesn’t account for everything, such as what the fuck was uriel’s actor doing? why the fuck did the show actually give us the instructions for how to get someone out of the empty and not do it? and there’s an infinite number of things that could have happened that I would simply never guess not knowing specific onset dynamics and money decisions. whatever happened that caused this clusterfuck really does suck for everyone in that writers room who was on team gay angel because, as I have said in the past, 15.18 only works due to at least four years, if not seven or more, of consciously writing the angel as gay. I hope bobo and yockey and even misha feel personal satisfaction at a job well done, but god if a single fucking interview could at least let us indulge in the victory with them. anyway, all of this is to say, yes I do think the bury-your-gays of it all definitely plays into it (and I would say, again, linking this to it chapter 2, it’s significant muschietti and co decided to make richie gay over eddie; people who haven’t read the book might not know that eddie like. literally drinks mineral water. in the 80s. he wears gucci loafers. he marries a carbon copy of his mother. stephen king would never admit to writing a gay man but that was a gay man. but eddie dies! eddie always dies. so they had some good sense in giving the gay story to the one who lives and leaving the dead one holding all the coding). and I definitely think randos on twitter making fun of the confession did not help matters. but I also think the decision to pull press cannot be extricated from the rubble of the last two episodes and everything they promised but never delivered. literally a single second of cas in the finale would have been their golden ticket! that’s far more than what jj did for star wars! but they got played at their own game by, of all things, an international pandemic. somehow a very supernatural ending after all.

[solarcas]

Okay I'm no fic writer and I don't usually post story ideas like these but i'm currently in sicko salami mode and I obvs need to cope SOMEHOW so have this Dean 200-new-neurosis-at-once-type fic idea that won't stop plaguing me:

Dean and Cas get their happy ending, they finally get to settle down, quit hunting, get a house in some nice small town and be in big ol gay love w each other all that. And OFC they want to get married ofc they do they're sappy old men in love and when Dean proposed they cried a shit tone but that's not the point the point is that obviously one of them is legally dead and the other rly never much existed so actually getting legally married is kinda off the plate, and neither of them are big fans of the church for.... Obvious Reasons. So instead they plan a big party at their place, planning to invite everyone they know and just force one of their lucky guests to play priest for a bit and pronounce them married etc etc and actually thats STILL not the Point™️ the Point™️ is Dean gets so so so into planning the whole thing

I'm talking he studies the meanings of flowers in depth to get just the right ones for their table arrangements. He makes Cas practise dancing with him every day so they can be perfect at it and Cas can twirl him around on the dance floor without him crashing into the snack table (Cas as angel obviously knows all the moves and performs them perfectly even before, but there's no way he'd pass on any chance of dancing with Dean). He makes sure every guest gets their invitation weeks beforehand so that no one would end up missing. He prepares a closet with demon traps in case they need to trap Crowley should he try and interfere with the ceremony. Cas regularly catches him lost in daydreams about The Day (not that Dean admits that's what he was thinking of). The guy is PREPARED and he's EXCITED like. Neither of them had much chance or reason to celebrate in their life. So he wants to use this to the fullest.

Then one day one of their friends is over, maybe Charlie idk, and they talk abt everything they've planned so far and what they're still missing when Charlie points out "Oh what about suits? You guys gonna dress the part right?" Cas pulls a very affectionate face like he knows what's coming bc boy if there's anyone on earth that likes dressing up more than Dean. So they both turn to him expecting an answer and meanwhile Dean's brain has just turned off because. Ah. Yes. Yeah yeah the suits. Suits we should get. Suits to wear at our wedding. Because we're grooms. And grooms wear suits. Those suits. Right. And that's when he realises for the first time that all this time as he'd been visualising their perfect Happiest Day In Their Lives he had been thinking. Had been picturing himself. Not in a suit. But in a dress.

So obviously he panics and not knowing what to do with this information, he runs off mumbling something about having heard the washing machine beep and man if he doesn't put that all up right now it'll end up all wrinkly sorry- leaving behind a very surprised Charlie and an even more worried Cas.

Anyway not sure where this goes from here but ofc after much Fighting The Represso, much reassuring from Cas and probably a trip to another state to find someone willing and capable of making a wedding dress that fits a guy, Dean gets his dress and he's the prettiest groom a guy could wish for and he gets to twirl around in it all night. And ofc he has a matching white lingerie set underneath, for Cas to explode some lights over later.

[a-nice-egg-offering]

I wanna be more active on here again so I’ll start with sharing a fic with u guys that I’m rly quite proud of :) chapter 3 should be coming very soon

Sin - In which Dean Winchester finds faith where he least expected it.

Summary -

Dean is at a very low point in his life, Cas is a priest with his own issues and they kinda help each other find new meaning and joy in life. Very angsty but also very fluffy. Can’t guarantee a happy ending I haven’t decided yet lol. Explores theology and the sociological aspects of organised religion - especially Christianity. But yeah I really like my writing style in this one so I’d love to know what u guys think :)

[rjschoicesstuff]

For Rippy: 3, 20, 25

For the ID Trio: C, W

Thankuuu (link to ask game)

3. First opinion of school as a kid

Idk if school's th same in the US as where I live, but dbdhd here th first 2 years it's mostly just playing with other kids all day n having fun so like she would enjoy that and HDHDH probably not want to leave after her first school day.

As soon as she has to actually do schoolwork and sit down all day shes like 😔. Especially sitting still and staying quiet was really hard for her when she was so little. (It still is tbh but she has more self control now at least)

20. First time they felt accepted/welcomed by another character

I think she's just always felt that way with her mom. Idkkk about like besides that, I think for a lot of years she doesn't really Care about that much, maybe as a result from her mom always being supportive of whatever she does?

I think most likely Joy made her feel that way though like, longtime friend who's always had her back and whom she can tell anythibg (and vice versa)

25. First major success in their story

Gonna just answer this for like the time during the books, so nothing that happens before that..

In her eyes probably her asking Gabriela on a date and Gabe saying yes lol.. + the kiss on the cheek she got at the end of it (doesnt happen in th actual books btw I just wrote tht in bc I thought Ripley wld just shoot her shot with her lol 😭 especially with Gabe's friends hyping her up lol)

C. First physical contact (handshake? hug? something else?)

For Ripley and Gabe a handshake when they met. And for Ripley and Cas him sitting in her lap during the musical chaur scene lol.

I think for Cas and Gabe it was probably something like her grabbing his wrist for a sec to guide him somewhere, cuz I imagine she just does that a lot lol.

W. First time they realized their relationship is endgame... or isn't

For Ripley honestly when she realised she would live for them, or like that's when she understood how serious it was from her side on, at least. Like she's not happy about the whole vampire thing that's been forced on her, but knowing she's spending the rest of her life with them does ease the bad feelings and give a positive turn to her situation. Especially knowing it's what'll allow her to stay with them because if she'd stayed human and kept aging it just wouldn't have worked out.

And like for the relationship as a whole once everyone could agree on that like Ripley didn't have to choose. Like Ripley is a firm believer that they're all like a package deal anyway and that they all make each other better and all NEED each other so once they get there she's convinced it'll work out.

I feel like for both Cas and Gabe it'll be some rly random realisation. Where for Gabe it's her realising how rarely they really fight anymore, cause she saw that as the biggest hurdle. And for Cas realising he rly is okay with like whatever they all got going on, like when he basically realises he's lost that desire to have Ripley for himself. Cause I think initially he'd still sometimes get pissed off for a second when the 3 of them are all together and Gabe's hand brushes against his arm or something. But after a while he just stops caring about that and it's just how things are like atp it'd be weird is she wasn't there.

[gay-fae]

What I want for Destiel

Alright. It’s time to allow myself some wishful thinking.

Usually I’m a realist. But sometimes I need to allow myself to just WANT stuff so here we go. Again, I know a lot of this isn’t realistic, but let me dream...

I wanna get excited. And if I’m disappointed, so be it.

Here’s what I want in regards to Cas and Dean:

1. I want Dean to say it back. Or at least strongly imply that he romantically has/had feelings for Cas. Whether it be in 15x19 or 15x20. I want that.

2. I want Dean to have a moment—just a moment, even a vague one—where he acknowledges/recognizes his bisexuality. PLEASE I am BEGGING (this whole post is a plea)

3. I want Dean to open up to Sam. They have the most emotionally constipated brotherly relationship on the planet but this is something that they could feasibly have a discussion on. Maybe Dean’s hysterical and taking the loss of Cas rly hard and he needs an outlet and hey—Sam is always there for him (have I mentioned that I adore Sam? Guys I ADORE Sam). And I want Dean to admit to Sam that he was in love with Cas. (Bonus points if he realizes he’s in love with Cas DURING the conversation with Sam and Sam goes “yeah... I know” but like in a really sweet way).

4. I want Cas back. I want him to somehow get out of the empty. Preferably with a Dean saving him. Because how poetic would that be? Their story begins with Cas saving Dean and ends with Dean saving Cas.

5. Now. Here’s where it gets more fanciful. I WANT A KISS. PLEASE. I WANT. A DESTIEL KISS. And if that’s not possible bc of COVID concerns while filming, then at LEAST give me loving hand holding, face holding, forehead touching, etc. Please.

6. I want them to have a happy ending. I want Dean and Cas to get to be together, as well as with Sam and Jack (and Eileen!!). They deserve that.

I need all of this. They’re in love your honor

[keroujack]

My dude, re-reading your destiel fic saved my mental health last week, so I’m just popping in to say how thankful I am for your existence ❤️ you’re the fucking best!

P.S. Do you maybe have a playlist for “my soul revival”? ‘Cause I feel like you have the best taste in music and I would love to listen to some of the stuff that inspires you :) Have a wonderful day! 🥰❤️

dude that's so convenient bc the feeling is beyond mutual ❤️ i literally adore you, and i'm really really glad a second read treated you as nice as the first, you've got no idea how happy that makes me 🥰

also like. okay. i don't have a playlist specifically for that fic (and if i did, it would probably just be all the songs i mentioned in there, bc i mostly went off music i like and thought they might lean towards. and now that u mention it, maybe i'll make that sometime. that does. sound like a v good idea. bc i did listen to those specific songs a lot while i was writing. and i CAN tell you i listened to 'thank u, next' approximately 400 times in the process of writing that one scene and the whole ending bc i rly do think cas would go batshit over the sentiment of it)

but ok, that aside, i do have a general destiel playlist that i listen to quite a bit, so here's that. it's a little all over the place genre wise but i'm a little all over the place genre wise so jfjdkska but hopefully there's some stuff in there you like!!

i hope you have the loveliest of days and know this made me smile the same way your messages always do 😊❤️✌🏼✨

[supertransural]

supernatural made me realize a bunch of shit about myself, specifically identity and it’s part of the reasons why i think it’s an inherently queer story.

allow me to clarify. once upon a time, 6 years ago, i found supernatural. back then i was mostly in the closet, even to myself. i’d gotten to that point of “hah wouldn’t it be nice to be like guys on tv and kiss the pretty girls” but not much further than that, because in most of the movies i had watched with my parents, the personality of the guy wasn’t really explored in the way supernatural (mostly unintentionally ngl) does with its characters.

so picture a teen, finding my first tv show to watch alone, being able to think my very own comments about it and not fear any repercussions from those thoughts because hey, i’m alone in my room i can think what i like about what i’m seeing. and feeling.

and here enters dean. complicated, comes from a rough childhood, parental expectations weighing so heavy on him it’s bleeding through his smiles, has a brother he feels is his duty to protect, is stuck in a loop of denial repression depression sublimation denial repression depression sublimation den-

you get the gist. i related to that guy. and then here he goes getting bi-coded (didn’t know what that was at the time but looking back, i could sure as hell feel it) and then kissing girls on screen, despite his wavering self-confidence. little ol’ gay me was like “yoooo i relate to this character on most of his character points, do i also relate to like..... wanting to do what he does??? do i wanna kiss other girls????”. fast forward one season and i’ve already figured out i was maybe bi. literally thanks to season 1 dean.

so, having figured out this “minor” aspect of myself, i went on youtube to find some other people like me and try to see if i was right to be homophobic towards myself or not. figured out, hey uh, definitely not. so you can also add “it ended up making me try to put a stop to my internalized homophobia” on the list of things that shitpost of a show helped me with.

i went back to the show for another season, relating even more to dean, and “blah blah blah queer coded character blah blah blah gay me could feel it before i knew what it was blah blah blah happy gay stuff”. several seasons passed by before anything new came up on my “hm this show rly out here bringing out all the queer aspects of myself huh” journey, but anyways i was still slowly but surely thinking holy shit i wanna be this goddamn man i want to be dean.

then comes season 4, walzing into my questioning little heart. oof ok, this season hit ALL the right spots for me. because i could feel what was going on between cas and dean and even though everything was still blurry as fuck, the parallel between sam/ruby and dean/cas was clear as day. and i was like “oh so you’re saying there’s a love here and it’s like that tarnished love between sam and ruby and it’s forbidden so that’s why we’re not seeing it and it’s like... gay”. so it made me realize “holy shit, i wanna see more gay content, and it’s ok to want that.”

then cas became another extremely relatable character, because i just kept thinking “he doesn’t really have a gender the same way other humans do” and i shit you not, he started me questioning my own gender. because again, a relatable character that you somewhat identify with that makes you ask questions about their identity INEVITABLY makes you ask questions about yourself. queue me going on youtube yet again to understand this shit a little better. i went through a few months of thinking “maybe i’m nb”, joined a few more gay communities on the internet, started learning about lgbtq+ things, watched a few more gay shows, and basically just grew a little more into my queerness.

fasforward several seasons, a couple gap years where i stopped watching it, and you’ll get to me a year ago. i thought i was a gay woman, fairly happy in that mental space and identity. but then. the whole “i wanna be dean” thing came up a lot again. because he just kept on being more and more visibly queer coded as i kept on learning more about this shit.

lo and behold, i jumped straight into the idea i was trans. and wouldya look at dat, i was right. quarantine happened, so i had to get even more of my interactions through online platforms, and quite obviously hovered around the gayer ones, or at least the lgbtq+ sides of them. and as i kept watching the show on and off, binging the first seasons for the 4th time, i kept learning more and more about myself. and those acts of gay frenzy were always started by seeing something relatable or strange in that show and looking it up. like, legitimately every time.

i found this community on tumblr a few weeks ago because i was tired of having my own little hypotheticals in my head and not knowing if anyone agreed, and the more i’ve been here the more i’ve learned about myself. the more i’ve let go of a lot of internalized hatred. the more i’ve been really ok with myself, as a trans guy. BUT ITS NOT FINISHED YET.

because, as we all know, it is common understanding here that dean is bi. WELL, i’ve been re-binging the show with that mindset finally clear in my head, and the “haha dean relatable lol” thing came up again, except it was really a “haha dean (who is bi) super relatable lol” thing now. so i paused, yet again, to think about that a little more. AND FIGURED OUT I WASNT STRAIGHT, IM BI AS FUCK.

that happened 1 month ago. i thought i’d grown fully into my queer self, that i’d gone through enough realizations and coming outs (to friends only, god forbid i come out to my parents (unfortunately quite literally god forbid lmao) before i’m out of here) for a lifetime. but apparently not. AND IT WAS STILL BECAUSE OF SUPERNATURAL. destiel and trans!dean fics helped with my internalized transphobia and homophobia, they helped with acceptance of those parts of myself. something that helped was also seeing the fact that shipping two guys in a tv show wasn’t just “being greedy with my grubby little gay hands” and wanting to think of a character as trans wasn’t just “being delusional and ridiculous”. and reading fics wasn’t cringy, it was nice and comforting.

so to try and sum up this unhinged gay rant, what i meant by my initial statement is this.

looking back on this entire self-discovery journey that i went on, it really felt like i was in the impala with the boys, except i was on a different kind of route (just picture this giant road painted in rainbow colors with baby driving at 80mph on it, that’s what it felt like). i grew with those characters, but most importantly i grew THANKS to those characters. their story was queer enough to make me, a fairly homophobic, traditional, conservative kid into a lib trans bi dude. and not in a “i got converted by the fandoms” way. i found the fandom waaaaayyyyyyyy later. i stumbled upon the fandoms looking for answers about this gayass goddamn show that i could FEEL was like me but couldn’t verbalize yet.

their story felt like a queer self discovery story and i could already see that before i went on it myself. no other shows have ever done that for me, and i’ve watched shows that had lgbtq+ characters in them, scripted gay scenes, not just subtext but text. and they still didn’t do that for me.

so this is why this show is so meaningful to be, and incidentally so very gay. like genuinely.

[ao3gingerswag]

on the whole idea of the boys when they're older interacting with kids, what if one day a kid comes in with his family who's like rly shy and timid, like not bc of abuse he's just rly shy and with his family who are perhaps quite boisterous and he's not and he gets quite anxious and there's a whole thing where the boys are able to bring him out of his shell ;~; like when he and his family are sitting down for a meal dean comes out with their food and makes him relax bc hes so good with kids. he comes down during the night bc he heard a noise and got scared and cas is down there cleaning up for the night and talks to him about nature to calm him down and the boy is like :)) and then the next morning he's outside and there's other kids who are playing with sam and he's off to the side but sam notices and is able to bring him into the play and he ends up making friends with the other kids, and then by the time the family have to leave the inn he's like smiling and happy and he turns to his parents and is like 'can we come back here soon :D' and it's this rly nice moment, maybe from his perspective so we get to see others reactions to the boys :))

ALSO AS I WAS WRITING THIS I HAD AN EPIPHANY WHAT IF THE BOY IS JACK. DOESN'T NEED TO BE BUT IT WORKS KINDA WELL!!

awwww this is so cute!!! Maybe this could be combined with the prompt about cas helping the family with an autistic child and helping the parents understand their kid better....like maybe the kid is autistic and so he has a hard time talking sometimes and is withdrawn bc of difficulty interacting with others. and dean is so good with kids, even if he can't spot right away that the kid is autistic like cas would be able to, he can tell when he comes out with the food that the kid is in distress. like he's like and here's yours sir :) to the kid (dean is very polite but he is calling the kid sir as a bit of a joke to make the kid smile) and the kid like doesnt look up and the parents are like oh sorry he's just shy. and dean is like oh. hmmm. cause the kid has like his fingers clenched in his tunic. when he comes back out he like crouches next to the kid to make him feel more comfortable and is like hey :) i'm dean :) and the kid doesnt look up or say anything and the parents r like sorry he gets like this idk why. jack look at the nice boy and introduce yourself. (i didnt watch the later seasons but from what i see on tumblr.edu the consensus is that jack is autistic so!) and dean is like no thats ok he doesnt have to look at me/talk to me. and then to jack he's like. u know i have a friend who doesn't always look at people or talk to them and we get along just fine. so i think me and jack are gonna get along great :) and then to jack he's like. you know. my friend and i dont always talk using our voices. sometimes we use our hands! (i guess this is post meeting eileen- i've said this on a different post but once dean cas and sam r introduced to the concept of sign language they adopt it immediately bc cas feels so much more comfortable communicating like that when he's having trouble w/ words) and jack is like ??! so turns towards dean w/o making eye contact, clearly intrigued. and dean is like :) wanna see? :) and jack nods. and dean shows him a few basic signs and jack mimics him. and one of the words is upset. and then once jack learns it, dean signs "you upset?" to him. ;~; and jack nods. and dean is like. wanna tell me what's up? maybe i can help! and then jack does the shy kid thing of indicating with body language that they dont wanna say what's wrong out loud, so dean leans in and jack whispers into his ear "loud." and dean is like oh! i see! we can fix that :) can i tell your parents what you just told me? and jack nods. so dean says to the parents (who r looking on in bemusement) its a bit loud in here for jack. mind if i take him outside for a minute? and the parents are like oh! sweetheart why didnt you tell us? (they arent bad parents they just dont get jack and its the middle ages so its not like there is info out there) and jack shrugs and the parents sort of helplessly shrug at each other, bc jack not verbalizing issues is a common problem for them. and they r like um its ok u dont have to take him outside we will take him. but do u mind bringing our food outside and stuff. like can we eat there. and dean is like of course no problem! and theyre like r u sure? im sorry that u have to go out of ur way for us, im sorry about our son, he can be. kinda fussy sometimes. and dean is like literally dont worry about it!

so then jack's parents take him outside and they all eat on the porch, and dean keeps popping back over to check on them. and jack is clearly much happier and starts to become much more verbal now that he's not overstimulated. still shy and quiet but much more smiley and every time dean brings them something he's very quietly like "thank you."

omg! maybe dean notices that he's not eating his food and so he's like do we want something else? and the parents r like omg no omg im sorry he's just so particular about what he likes omg the food is great jack pls eat ur food dont be rude. and dean is like he's not being rude at all he's a very polite young man :) id be happy to bring something else out. and the parents r like. well. if you're sure...he likes things that r like. boring. like really really boring. like plain porridge with nothing in it and stuff like that. and dean is like mashed potatoes? and the parents r like yes! and jack perks up. and so he brings that out for jack. and he brings it out and the parents r like omg omg thank u SO much for going so out of ur way for our weird kid even tho he still wont look at u at all. they dont say that part they're not assholes to jack, its implied tho and jack kinda curls into himself bc hes embarrassed about causing problems. and dean ofc notices and is like. u know. my friend who talks with his hands can be very particular too. he doesnt like the noise in the dining room either, and he also only likes certain foods. and jack perks up again :)

ahhh he keeps coming out to check on them and he's like hey how u doing? and!! oh no maybe dean also taught him the sign for happy and he signs "happy" at dean ;~:

to be clear- dean doesn't make the connection that jack LIKE like cas, as in he's autistic, at least not yet. like i think he WOULD if he had more time with him, but cas is the only autistic person he's ever met, and he just met jack. dean def just thinks he's very shy, but he's great with kids and can tell right away that jack is upset, and he shows him the signs not cause he realizes that jack is actually non-verbal in that moment but because he really doesnt care if the kid doesn't want to talk to him, he just wants to help. and he shows him the signs and stuff bc he wants the kid to tell him whats wrong, but kids wont tell strangers that if u just ask upfront, you have to gain their trust a little first ;~; and dean understands all of this instinctually bc he's great with kids so he manages to figure out whats wrong and solve the problem even without realizing that jack is autistic. ;~;

the person who figures out that jack is autistic is definitely cas!! jack comes down in the middle of the night maybe not cause he hears a noise, maybe he just cant sleep bc he hates his routine being disrupted and being in a new place ;~; and the sheets feel all wrong and everything smells wrong and everything is different and he hates it ;~; so he comes downstairs maybe be he's crying and he doesnt want to wake his parents up. and cas is downstairs cleaning up still, it's totally quiet tho now so there is no overstimulation. and cas is like oh! a tiny person!! uuhhh.... he def panics a little bc he's not good w people and he's not sure what to do with a random crying child. maybe he briefly considers waking dean up bc dean is good with kids and also maybe he saw dean talking to jack earlier. but then hes like no dean is tired i dont want to bother him ill try to deal with it. and hes like um. hello. um. my name is castiel i am the owner of this inn. um i guess u dont care about that. um. r u ok? and then the kid signs "upset" ;~; and cas is like oh! bc thats their signs! so he signs "what's wrong, why are you upset?" back even tho like it's just their home signs so how would this kid know them. but he signed "upset" so cas responds kinda on instinct. and the kid does not understand anything other than upset bc dean only showed him like 5 signs and he kinda already forgot the other ones. but it doesnt matter! bc those r hand words like dean was talking about and showing him! which must mean this is his friend who doesnt like looking at people or talking!! and jack is verbally like. r u dean's friend who doesnt like looking at people or talking. and cas is like um? yeah i guess? thats me. and jack is like ! i am very particular too! and bc he trusts dean and now by extension cas, and believes dean about cas being "particular" like him, he doesnt feel embarrassed about admitting what's wrong. and he spills his guts hes like everything is WRONG i dont like how anything feels or smells or tastes and everything is different from how it is at home and i HATE it and mom and dad says thats rude but i dont want to be rude but i cant sleep bc everything is all wrong!!! ;~; and he says all this not looking at cas and waving his hands around his head. and cas is like......................................................................oh. hm. i see. this is Me.

so he's just very empathetic and is like im really sorry i totally understand, you're not being rude, i also feel that way whenever we travel and i also am very selective about what i can touch and eat and stuff and am very sensitive to the physical environment. i know i cant fix it all but is there anything i can do to help you feel better? do u want to try some different blankets? and he takes jack to the linen closet and is extremely patient as he brings down each blanket and lets jack touch each one and decide which is the best. and it DOESNT solve everything but just having someone take him seriously and listen to him makes jack feel so much better and hes eventually able to go back to sleep ;~;

in the morning theyre outside, sam who's like 16 or whatever is chasing the kids around playing tickle monster. and jack's parents try to get him to go play with sam and the other kids but he doesnt want to he's too shy and anxious. and cas keeps staring at jack like :( bc he KNOWS but he doesnt know what to do about it. he brings it up with dean and dean is like OH. i see THATS what was going on with him he's like you! and cas is like yeah :( idk what to do about it...

sam sees jack hanging around with his parents on the side and he's like hey! do u want to come play? and jack is like................ and his parents r like sorry hes really shy. and sam is like thats ok! i have an idea, why dont we change the game and we can play hide and seek! (bc that doesnt require jack to jump in to interacting with a big crowd of kids) he's like :) i bet u can hide real well! :) and jack is like! :D and he nods bc hes like whoa i CAN hide really well! and they play hide and ofc sam is the seeker but when he finds the kids he always kinda turns it into man hunt cause he's like ah HA i got u!!! and he chases them around. and eventually he finds jack and hes like mwahahahaha now im gonna EAT you!!! and jack like screeches and giggles and bolts away and sam chases him and the other kids, and basically he like tricks jack into playing the exact same game they were playing before by like easing him into it by not making the start of the game require walking up to a crowd of ppl. but then once they r in the game he's ok just running around with the other kids :)

meanwhile dean and cas watch this and dean is like. do u want to talk to the parents. and cas is like. :/ i dont know how to do that. like how would we even start that conversation. and dean is like. i can help u :) so he does! he's like hey u remember i was talking about my friend to ur son the other day? this is he! u met him when u were checking in! ive noticed that he's like really really similar to ur son and has some of the same issues, and we were wondering if u wanted to talk about how cas deals with some of those things? and basically dean eases them into the conversation and makes it unintimidating for both parties. and cas teaches the parents all about the concept of sign language, and how going non-verbal is more than just being shy, and like they start describing situations in which jack was like Weird theyre like one time he started screaming and crying and rocking in public we didnt know what to do! and cas is like well where were u? what was going on? and like helps them identify the kinds of sensory things that probably trigger jack and stuff. and just like. its a good convo.

omg and cas is literate by this point and maybe the parents r too and hes like. if u ever wanna write to me and ask me about more shit and whatever pls dont hesitate. and then they DO and basically they help this family understand and raise their autistic son and its great!!! :D

anyway this is a VERY long response i definitely just outlined a mini-fic here.

[amwritingmeta]

hey! i was just wondering if you think spn will actually make destiel canon by the finale? it seems like in interviews they're trying to let us down gently w/a cas death (which possibly makes it seem like cas's ending might be related to his empty deal?) + all the parallels between saileen and deancas, and it looks like dabb and co (while not rly bringing arcs into conclusion and generally making a mess of spn) are fighting to make it canon, i was wondering what ur take on it was, esp after ep09

Oh, my dear, my heart is swelling with love for those two right now. I just watched the show through from 12x19-15x13 and I swear, that moment they share in 15x12, clinking those glasses and sharing all those smiles was like balm. It’s not even five minutes of screen time, and still it was like, okay, yes, good, thank you for the room to breathe. :D

It seems to be that Cas hearing Dean’s prayer has ushered in some much earned peace between them. They’re shown to be on the same page and taking each other’s side unquestionably. Dean trusting Cas’ judgment regarding Jack without pause. And that’s a good word for it: there’s trust between them, mutual respect, understanding. It’s so lovely, isn’t it?

So, there’s this line that’s sort of stuck with me. Actually, there are two things that have stuck with me (apart from all the gorgeous symbology baked into every episode) and it’s that the word “complete” has been mentioned twice.

Once in reference to Mary in Heaven, and once by Amara in reference to God.

Then we have a line that’s recurred twice: I had to die to get what I want.

The fact that its spoken verbatim twice made my antennas perk up a bit. It may mean nothing, as some things in this narrative sometimes do mean nothing, but it’s still interesting to take these things into account: that we’re searching for completion and that sometimes, in order to get what you want, you have to die.

So. Will Cas die?

I don’t think so. I don’t think so for many reasons that I’ve laid out here (I just posted this) (it was like you read my mind that this was coming today), but foremost because I cannot see how him dying does anything for his character arc, or for his joint journey with Dean.

You know, dark!Kaia (Kaia’s Shadow) going back to the Bad Place (Kaia’s unconscious) and accepting the ending waiting there, releasing our!Kaia back to the world where she belongs, makes me think, more than ever, that the integration of the main character’s Shadows are a necessity. 

The Empty, way I see it, is representative of Cas’ Shadow, his unconscious, all the repressed and suppressed emotions of guilt, shame and doubt that has kept his self-worth down until Jack came on the scene. 

And this is just my reading of this situation, but I’m not sure I can see Cas defeating the Empty in the Empty, if you know what I mean? The last time Cas intruded, the Empty made him suffer greatly. I don’t think Cas holds any sway there, nor should he. 

To me, the weapon our conscious has against our unconscious ruling our decisions, is our ability to grow aware of our own impulses, our own thought patterns, and making choices to break away from them.

I think Cas can only beat the Empty through making a choice and, well, for a long time I’ve felt that choice should be to become human, because by making a final choice of who he is and who he wants to be, he brings himself into awareness, integrating his Shadow in the process, and narratively nullifying the Empty’s hold on him, since humans don’t go to the Empty when they die: they go to Heaven. 

But that’s wishing and hoping and speculation, of course.

Here’s where the Destiel question comes in though.

Do I believe they’ll make it canon?

Personally, I can’t think of anything more a part of our story than the love story between those two, but I know what you mean. You mean a representative, tangible, clear, statement type of making it canon. Textualising it, so that there’s no room for doubt whatsoever. No more arguments, no more queer baiting complaints, just Destiel in plain sight. Undeniable. 

I do and I don’t.

Watching these last few seasons through again made me realise what a different feel to them this last season has, because the emotional stakes for Dean and Cas have everything to do with what they mean to each other. Yeah?

Dean taking his anger out on Cas and it pushing Cas into a turning point where he chose to leave, to move on, which was a moment of clear independence a statement of his sense of self-worth, and it in turn pushing Dean into a turning point where he faced a side to himself that he’s needed to name since forever, admitting to not having any control of himself, which is something he has to acknowledge if he’s to move into trusting himself fully, all of this has been gosh darn breathtaking to get to witness.

And having them land back in this ease, where they work together seamlessly as a team, being kept together more than not, the framing of them, all of this makes me feel like they could give us canon Destiel. I’m not going to say they absolutely won’t. 

I believe the writers want it. I believe the actors want it. But, again, that’s just what I take from the narrative itself, because the subtext is stronger than ever this final season. 

Especially with Sam and Eileen being reunited.

Because it’s been that clear parallel you mentioned, but it’s been that clear parallel to those of us who see it. The echoes of the Saileen romance that trace through the Destiel progression won’t be as resounding to those that don’t.

And because of that, at this point, I also feel quite reserved with my belief that Destiel could become canon. Because there’s so much, but there’s also nothing. There’s so much for us to enjoy, there’s so much evidence they keep throwing at us that the writers support this reading of their story, but still, there’s nothing, really, to let on that they’re building towards these two men, at some point, declaring their love for each other.

There has been zero textual foreshadowing of that.

There have been throw away moments, like the cop flirting with Dean, for example, but he frowned at that, and then got sincerely flirted with by a woman, so that deescalated that very quickly. 

There was Dean at first rejecting Garth’s compliment of “You smell SO good”, becoming uncomfortable, to then, by the end of the ep, tell Garth he didn’t smell half-bad either.

And there was that amazing moment with Cas calling out Sam being “sexually intimate” with Ruby and Dean repeating the words as if he can’t believe Cas even knows how to pronounce them.

So, there’s... you know, stuff?

But it’s not foreshadowing if it can be overlooked by the wider audience.

That said.

This show isn’t about this love story of ours. The fact that it’s so downplayed could mean that what we’ll get is something textual, but extremely subtle. I mean, for me, lingering eye-contact and a shared smile in a context that makes us understand they’re choosing each other would be enough.

If, by canon, you mean do I think we’ll get them kissing, then the answer is I want to believe that we might get that, because they could build towards that on the foundation of ease and trust that they’ve put down over the last few episodes and they could build it effectively, but I just don’t know if the studio (who own the characters) is onboard. 

My hope is that they are, because the topic of healthy representation is so hot right now, and the question of the longevity of Supernatural to the younger generations (you know, you young ones who are proving exceedingly more open-minded and looking for something beyond the superficial brothers-hunting-monsters aspect of the show) would bank on the show opening itself up to the possibilities of solid representation already seeded throughout its run.

But Dean has flirted with more women than men this season. You know? I mean, he hasn’t flirted with any men. So. 

Look, I’m not going to say I don’t think we’ll get it, because I don’t know. 

I watched S15 yesterday and finished it today and suddenly I feel this wave of hope that it actually might happen, because they’ve already changed how Dean and Cas interact, they’ve given them so many scenes with just the two of them, and we have Sam clearly meant to end up with Eileen, and doesn’t Dean and Cas deserve that same happiness? That same sense of completion? That internal peace of loving unconditionally and being loved in return?

Sam and Eileen could be foreshadowing. These writers are subtle and they could be gleefully rubbing their hands together at the thought of springing textual Destiel on the GA, you know? The green light from the studio might make them diabolical. *sadism* And I love that thought.

Because that’s been the point of the love story for me, this slow, slow build to the moment when Dean and Cas have reached a point in their progression when what they’ll have together is a healthy, balanced, loving relationship because they’ve both let go of the past and are looking to the future.

But I won’t expect textual Destiel. If we do get it, I’m going to treasure it as a big cherry on top of an already perfectly inviting and exquisite pie.

What I do believe, more than ever, that we’re getting, though, is closure. Even if it’s only at the subtextual level, I believe that those of us who read the subtext will have Destiel verified beyond a shadow of a doubt. And yes, I will be quite surprised and disappointed if we don’t get that. Because of how these first 13 episodes have been shaped and how strong the subtext is in them.

I believe we’ll end on a hopeful note.

And wouldn’t that just be gratifyingly phenomenal?

(it really would) (honestly I just need to know that they are happy and alive and together and well and finding peace and carrying on) (you know?) (thank you and amen) :)

xx