#not going 2 elaborate bc 1 its not a real THING yet its just been happening for the past days and 2 its embarrassing 2 admir

[skenpiel]

the other day something embarrassing happened and then it kept happening for 2 days and now its still happening and its BEEN happening so much that its 11:30am and i still havent gone to bed and also im still embarrassedBlushes and fidgets and looks away shyly

[daedalusdavinci]

ao3 wrapped 2023

taken from here. i did this last year and it was fun so im doing it again

1. How many words have you written this year?

i published 110,143 words this year! written...... no clue.

the first half of this year was mostly spent working on the jdau, but the second half was mostly spent on working on oc stuff that i dont post anywhere. i have no way of tracking how much i wrote for that bc this year i shifted all of my oc works from google docs to saved files on my computer, so the dates are all fucking wrong. ; ; if you add that mystery number onto the mystery number of scrapped projects and wips..... theres no telling. theres no telling.

2. How many works did you publish this year?

i posted 12 works on ao3 this year, not counting the fics i rewrote. i posted 9 drabbles on tumblr. this wasnt a great drabble year for me, i think.

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

i like the afterlife drabble i wrote about jason and nico. i feel like every time i write about them theres just something so bittersweet and punchy about it. it was a cool idea that kind of leaves me thinking about the world behind it, but not in a way that needs to be elaborated on.

as far as fics psoted on ao3, maybe under the skin? its such a different dynamic, and the tension is drawn so taut, it walks the line perfectly between violence/hatred and grief/love. its one im always second guessing myself about, but i had so much fun with it, sometimes i just have to remind myself its okay to make things just for the sake of exploration/indulgence.

4. What work of yours has the most hits?

snow day, with about 1k hits. i think thats the fic where a lot of people stop reading the jdau. its short, its fluffy, and i do actually still love this one a lot. i wrote it when i needed it.

5. What work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

i feel like a lot of my drabbles this year were really weak, so ive been surprised by the number of notes some of them have gotten. otherwise, mostly oc stuff? ive always struggled with sharing original content bc it never feels interesting enough, but the few friends i have shared it with have been so supportive and it means everything. @roomfulloferidans and @ashysiashy especially are always encouraging me and motivating me to keep making more, and i mightve given it up a long time ago otherwise tbh

6. Favorite title you used

oh thats gotta be The Family Disappointment actually. i like how much meaning and interpretation is embedded in it. if youve been reading the jdau, you might think its jason, but seeing that the fic centers damian, you might think its him. both boys struggle with feeling like theyre bruces biggest disappointment, but the fic is about brotherly solidarity, and recognizing that maybe bruce is actually the disappointment.

honorary mention to under the skin, bc i think that one was very funny/clever. i also named some oc works "the debilitating fear of garage doors" and "the inherent eroticism of handholding" and i like those a lot.

7. If you use song lyrics, which artist’s songs did you pull from the most?

its a fucking miracle. for once, i didnt use any.

8. Pairing you wrote the most for this year?

i guarantee it was bruharv again. bc the jdau. ive finally finished it tho, so who knows what the next will be?? the world is full of possibility.

9. Favorite pairing you wrote for this year?

im going to be so real w you. my ocs. their dynamic is so much fucking fun.

10. What work was the quickest to write?

i guarantee it was one of the drabbles. altho i did spend much more time agonizing over them this year

11. What work took you the longest to write?

the jdau. but specifically, im sure it was retirement, bc that one is the longest by miles.

12. How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year?

one!!! im working on a hs fic for the first time in ages, tho i dont have all of my plans for it 100% solid yet. ive got threeish chapters written tho, so i think i will end up finishing it. ill probably start another wip soon so i dont contaminate this one w the urge to write nonsensical fluff.

13. What’s your longest work of the year?

its retirement. its definitely retirement. its 46k and everythign else doesnt really pass 10k

14. What’s your shortest work of the year?

one of the drabbles. on ao3, its off book.

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

the aforementioned. its davesprite centric and so far its a lot about family and growing up.

16. What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag?

probably “Harvey Dent Adopts Jason Todd” again. god im so glad im done w that au

17. Your favorite character to write this year?

my ocs. otherwise, im going to say 2f bc he is so babygirl to me w his sexy trauma and anger issues, and rose, bc rose <33333333

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

bruce fucking again i hate writing him so much its unreal hes barely even a person to me hes been written so many different ways so many different times the source material is basically a suggestion and i HATE IT. also, nepeta. i cant get her voice right and its killing me and i refuse to write in pesterlog format im NOT DOING IT

19. What’s one pairing you want to explore next year?

eridve baby im coming home <333333 (<- insane) but probably also a lot of hal ships eventually

20. Which work of yours have you reread the most?

i have reread the jdau so many fucking times reviewing for the next chapter its fukcing unreal and insanity inducing. if i reread it any more im going to start hating it

21. How many kudos in total did you get this year?

772. this feels liek nothing compared to last year but its so much compared to the previous years so i think im doing good and last year was just a fluke

22. Which work has the most comments?

snow day w 7 comments, which tracks, bc it also has the most hits.

23. Did you do any collaborative works this year?

nope! not this year

24. Did you write any gifts this year?

most of my drabbles were requests, and i definitely wrote some fics w specific ppl in mind, namely @roomfulloferidans (Calming a Storm) and @ashysiashy (some oc stuff), but i didnt technically tag any gifts on ao3 this year

25. Did you receive any gifts this year?

nope! im kind of the writer of my friend group so fics are not generally smthn i receive. however, trustymikh drew this drawing inspired by my mermay bruharv drawing inspired by their mermay harvey drawing, so maybe that kind of counts?? i was delighted to see my bruce design in their style, at least. @roomfulloferidans drew a very nice drawing of my oc rogue that i cherish, @mudp1es and another friend of mine drew our spidersonas, and i participated in an oc art trade where another friend drew my oc barbie. i think those count as gifts, even if its not Ao3 Gifts(TM)

26. What’s your most common category?

M/M again bc i think its hot when men

27. What do you listen to while writing?

i tend to just loop playlists or single songs, unless im really struggling to concentrate, in which case ill switch to white noise.

28. Favorite work you wrote this year?

my oc fic, the inherent eroticism of handholding, which im 99% sure i did write this year? it captures a very specific kind of uncertain tenderness where a crush is new and theyre feeling out flirting still. i think about the scene where theyre lying together in the dark while everyone sleeps and holding hands for a reason they cant justify, not looking at each other, talking about nothing, all the time. i also rlly like the oc fic i just finished a lot- domestic(ated).

that i published, i guess under the skin for reasons i already talked about.

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

im just gonna collect a few here, bc its hard to pick when i write so goddamn much:

Two Face hesitated. Carefully, he asked, “Do you think they want to get rid of you?” Jason’s eyes flickered away from him, his mouth opening, and then closing. “Yeah?” he said, finally. He sounded unsure.

Water dripped from Two Face's curls and slid off of his nose, spattering against the symbol on Bruce's chest. He found himself blinking hard, his breathing coming fast and tight. "You told me- You were supposed to be- Not even in death. Not even in death, would you have ever told me."

The Backroad Home

Eridan kissed like a fire slowly burning him from the inside out. He tasted like liquid courage and saltwater spray, sticky sweet like taffy the way he stuck in Dave's chest. His hands left scorched trails behind when they slid over Dave's skin, haunting, dizzying, warm like the inside of his mouth.

Calming a Storm

back when he and Bruce had lived so deep in each other’s pockets that the line between his and mine had vanished.

To Late Bruce Wayne

For a while, Two Face just let the breeze wash over him, ruffling his hair as his skin prickled from the chill. A siren blared somewhere in the distance, and he sucked sauce absently from his thumb, setting aside the tupperware. “I care deeply about this city,” the TV crackled. “That’s why I’m donating-” Two Face tucked a cigarette between his lips, pulling his lighter out of his pocket. There was a ritual to it. The slow inhale, the gradual exhale. The wind pulled the smoke from his lips, and it disappeared over the rooftops. Bruce’s laugh washed over Two Face. It was vapid and fake over the airwaves, but the memory of it rattled around Two Face’s chest, warm and startled as they rolled in the sheets in Bruce’s dorm. Longing took hold and ached.

Under the Skin. there are a lot of great lines from this one, but this may be my favorite

Spectre's chin bumped gently against Rogue's shoulder, inches left between them, and Rogue thought about how easy it was to steal things in the dark. "Tell me about something," Spectre whispered. "Anything. And I'll sleep."

the inherent eroticism of handholding. this whole fic was very quoteable and so is Domestic(ated) but i will make this my single oc quote.

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

that people would like my ocs, really. moth tenderly cares for them like real blorbos and i still dont really know how to process that

[ojodeneptuna]

goodbye Virgo season,

it’s been clarifying

•just Virgo things•

1) It’s interesting to think of Virgo through its essential existencial axis, Pisces; the wonder of reading exists for example, as a result of the forever-intertwined interaction between these two signs. Language itself and reading, understood as the mental translation of symbols to language, it’s a fascinating Mercurial manifestation. It is necessary to go through the diverse phases of learning how to work this translation out into our daily communication habits, before being able to truly connect with literature, which I believe works actively with imagination (ah yes, the Neptunian quality of it 👌🏼). It’s crazy to think (emotion coming from a Pisces ofc), how one of modern’s daily communicative obligations consists on the act of reading, but it’s only when we’ve truly dominated this when we can actually understand the channel it truly is, when it wakes up that little fantasy-moving motor in our heads which works between logics of the real world, and the one which can contradict it. The domination process, is very mucho the Virgo experience. Food for thought. Reading, from a literary point of view, quite literally makes us hallucinate new possible worlds and stories that would often wake this compassionate side of us, or this illusive (and yes delulu) side of us, which kinda’ makes the world go round. Where else would we escape to in order to get out of our daily routine? which usually responds to the Mercurial necessity of just basic reading.

2) Did you know KimK is ruled by her Virgo Jupiter which is exact ☌ her Midheaven at 28°? (this basically explains why she mainly got ridiculously famous bc of her family’s -especially her mom’s- dealings on a private experience of hers), and that she is a Virgo Venus’ ruled Libra? (on her 9th; an international beauty for sure). we can say a lot of things about her, and this astrologically fascinating yet controversial photoshoot, but we can’t say she hasn’t also worked her ass off for the reputation she now holds, the one of a very perfect looking lady.

3) Did you know Virgo rules chess?

4) also pets and small animals :)

5) THE virgo moodboard

6) MJ was a Virgo ofc, a truly fascinating one cause he was a also a Pisces moon and rising, meaning he worked actively through his whole life with this axis. he did have very interesting ideas about purity and a very mysterious and uncertain health condition 🤔

Diane and Wilt are sooo Virgo if you ask me.

7) Virgo rules critics. Michelle Visage is a Virgo sun a moon that’s no exception +she totally resembles Madonna and always looks perfect. It also rules boardgames that imply critical thinking such as chess, puzzles, dominoes, etc.

8) I will not elaborate on this one. It’s clear.

9) ♍︎ rules ants and humbling experiences; the ant meme is Virgo’s biggest, most satirically accurately funny manifestation of its energy if you ask me 🤭

10) Rory Gilmore’s such a Virgo 🤍

The sixth astrological house is related to Virgo since it is the house of health, fitness, systems, analysis, pets, work and organization habits, and of our sense of usefulness and service given.

The house of discipline.

Who would’ve thought the act of reading these mashed-up memes also required the Virgo-Pisces/Mercury-Neptune presence of it all explained in description no.1? Maybe just a Virgo.

[ikilledamanforthisurl]

Minami Anonx7 If it helps Literally everyone I have known ever has brought up that I sound like a literal cartoon mobster henchman every time I call people boss so i've just embraced it now fully. Everyone is Boss To Me as I sling my guns goofily to Get Da Coppers. But I SEE…. i've been playing through the yakuza games chronologically I’m currently watching through y4 right now but id like to watch dead souls afterwards. It is extremely funny though the idea of watching them completely ramshackled out of order. Anyways. 1) I personally would love to play the minami centric side game also + I literally cannot imagine it’s anymore embarrassing a thing to want then me daydreamng abt the side game id like to make for my yakuza OC and 2) SOOOOOOO true I love it when Nishida and Minami are like sort of a awful duo together also I admire your like notes about M construction. I haven’t given it much thought yet on how it actually works but that’s mostly bc I have family who work in construction so I make myself laugh thinking Majima has no idea what the hell he’s doing LOL but anyways real…… Idk if you've ever read it but there’s an awesome fic on ao3 where it’s basically about how Nishida was also a prisoner of the hole and this like sort of implied idea or like at least smth I saw someone bring up before in conjunction idea that “Whilst Minami tries to emulate Majima Nishida actually IS like Majima in a way and the result of that has made him jaded/heavily desensitised” which i think adds a really interesting layer to the Relationship to think abt ep if it were canon. So this is why Desperately desperately I need a M construction side game I need something to focus on the majima family outside of him and honestly especially on Nishida…… tangent but there is so much interesting potential w him I want to see it explored !!!!!! Last note here but have u seen Minami's scene in RGG online before? I just found an English translation of it today and it had me very biting and chewing over A) Minami getting legitimately upset when his fake accent was mocked, not bc it was a slight against HIM but against MAJIMA and B) the sort of self deprecating mention he makes of what good is he if he’s not strong enough / good at smth before it immediately gets pushed aside by him and C) the implication that Minami is genuinely attached to Kamurocho/wants to protect it. If u havent i can try and find the post I saw abt it but. Much to think about

I HAVE SEEN THE RGGO STORY IT KILLS ME KILLS ME KILLS ME EVERY TIME. biting and chewing is a good way to describe it. have YOU seen the Nishida one? Minami shows up very briefly and i can practically already sense your reaction to his couple of lines (i grab and SHAKE him i shake him so much)

its so funny how hes so close to having any kind of depth and then he brushes it off immediately like "yeah this whole clan fuckup bothers me n has got me feelin insecure .lol lmao anyways". like as much as its kind of annoying as a fan of the character its also unfortunately realistic? EYE do that. you wouldnt catch me dead elaborating and having a nice rock-talk if my life was in the midst of being tableflipped. lol + lmao + anyways is the best you're gonna get

also, as a bonus tidbit before i go figure out how to format this idea for a tumblin post, this is half the setup for the Saejima teacher idea i was playing with ☝ because i already know RGG is NEVER going to put any meaningful spotlight on the Family members who've been essentially left to pick up their bootstraps with the big whoopsie of y7. sorry that i keep talking about it in code i dont wanna spoil nobody, in spite of not caring abt them myself i know others do 🙇‍♂️ i'm taking matters into my own hands and i am going to explore the IMPLICATIONS of the BIGGEST FAMILY POSSIBLY EVER going thru what it does. and i'm going to grab Minami by his non-existent shirt collar and i'm going to shake him around until he talks about how this affects him at least a little bit. i'll stop coding this in the Saejima Teacher plot post so you can decide if it matters 2 you or not and read up when i get to it btws

also your point about Nishida is spot on. you don't keep the kind of man who trembles at every conversation he has for that many years without breaking him down and making him (comparatively) jaded in such a stressful line of work. on top of that, Majima literally tests this man like its some sort of divine Greek-mythos punishment put unto him by the gods..... he's absolutely jaded underneath that shaky deadpan stare. Nishida may never outwardly resemble Majima, persona or the genuine self, but he absolutely rubs off on him and influences him heavily. this is the kinda relationship most Gokudo in the series seem to have with their bosses when they're worth a damn, Saejima was ready to walk to the ends of the earth for his patriarch due to the positive impact he had on him, and Majima likewise for his boss, though moreso in the opposite direction. not wholly..... Majima's priority of strength begets some kind of twisted respect towards Shimano. I wonder if he lacks that respect for Sagawa, who as far as I remember never physically overpowers or threatens Majima except for when he's already down and weakened in some form.......? getting off track. point is Oyajis are very very influential to their precious boys, their Family will reflect them (personality, how he runs the joint, etc) regardless if they want it to or not. Majimemegoro has some baller fics exploring all this and it's a large part of what influences me today.....

Speaking of, i would love the title of that fic you've mentioned... i'm a little picky of which fanfic i'll give the time of day but Nishida also having experience with Anagura is tantalising. like that's so tragic.... that's so evil...... i'm sitting here wondering to myself if he was a survivor or.. yknow........ because no one else, in canon, "made it out" of Anagura alive. or, more specifically, no victims make it out of Anagura. Majima was always the exception. either option makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it...... cause if he is another victim then the way Majima treats him is just.... and if he's not then is his constant dedication to him like a form of atonement....... oouuhhhrggg......... im going to hit the wall...........

also! i'd love to hear if you have any unique takes regarding M.Con considering your family...... when i say im pulling ideas out of my ass i mean it. you've got access to a unique perspective methinks. closest i got is other people's accounts and (shudders) ausgov roadworkers i see occasionally............

also also! when you get to dead souls please bitch to me the moment something goes awry i HATE-love dead souls.... the characterisation makes me stub my toe repeatedly in frustration. its not bad and i dont want to be the NO FUN ALLOWED twat but ugghghhghghrghrhgrhg the zombie setting is not handled in a way that engages me. thats all i'll say bc otherwise ill be here forever venting all my nitpicks that i SHOULD throw on twitter but wont bc i got hardcore DS dickrider mutuals who'll get sad in my mentions at best and maybe take it personally at worst

[scavengedluxury]

The police have been desperate to build a narrative of valiant officers defending Bristol from dangerous thugs, but the truth is very different, and they have started to trip over their own lies.

In our report of Bristol's first #KillTheBill protest we spoke about how the police lie in order to build a false narrative. We described how the corporate media facilitates this by printing their lies as undisputed fact, and how the police's cheerleaders both professional and amateur will take these lies and run with them. The past week has proven us right. Here is a run down of just a some of the lies police and their supporters have been caught out on.

7. Protesters Attacked The Cars Of Bystanders & Other Emergency Workers This was an early quote put out to portray the protesters as hell bent on mindless destruction. Reports were that vehicles that had nothing to do with the police, and were just unfortunate enough to be in a neighbouring multi-storey car park had their windscreens smashed. In later media coverage the police admitted these were unmarked police cars, the video footage shows that this was made clear by the ‘reserved for police use’ parking bays.

6. My Poor Bones! Following a police statement this story was repeated everywhere. The police said, as if a confirmed fact, that one officer had a broken arm, and another a punctured lung. Other people would elaborate further, the punctured lung was due to a police officer being knocked to the ground and repeatedly stamped on was a common story. Can you imagine who could possibly attack someone already on the ground like that? Suspicious at the number of alleged ‘injuries’ the police had suffered, activists submitted a Freedom of Information request for details on them. Shortly after this Avon & Somerset Police quietly retracted the claim, and confirming no bones were broken or lungs punctured. It was only after a lot of noise on social media, and articles in the radical press, that some mainstream outlets reported this change in story. Many original articles quoting it as fact remain online and unchanged.

5. Protesters Are Responsible For Hurting Horses And Dogs If someone told me there was a riot, and I said ‘ok, I’ll bring my dog’, and then I took my dog to a riot; I would be rightly accused of animal abuse. Yet for some reason the police expect a free pass. Let’s get one thing straight, the police don’t bring animals to protests because they love and value them. They bring them because they view them as weapons and want to use them to hurt people. At all three protests this week, police repeatedly deployed dogs and horses for hours, without caring about the risks. Luckily they also reported none were hurt. The most violence we saw towards the dogs was officers dragging them by the collar to keep them away from dropped food. Yes animals are spooked by fireworks, but better spooked and taken away than kept on the front lines as a risk to themselves and others.

4. The Protesters Struck First! An important part of any narrative, as any Star Wars fan will tell you, is who struck first. This is because few people would randomly hit someone in the street, but many of us would hit back in self defence. Early police statements in the press on Sunday night said that officers had ‘stood back’ until a police van was set on fire. These were clearly fabrications right from the start. There was footage of the police using batons to strike protesters whilst it was still day light, where as the burning van was pictured after dusk. In even clearer evidence there was footage of police hitting protesters next to the van that would later be burned, while it was very much not on fire.

3. They Made Us Do It In an echo of the language of abusers the world over, the cops insisted that they were ‘forced’ to violently attack the protest. According to them nothing else would work, as the crowd was so volatile, dangerous and aggressive. Even if the police had ‘started it’ (which they would never admit) they insisted it only escalated due to protesters. Were that true then, the expectation would be that a crowd that remained passive and peaceful would have been treated with a far lighter touch. Tuesday proved this to be yet another lie. Hours of people being hit by batons , horse charges, dog attacks, and people dragged by their hair. All whilst the most violent resistance put up was the laying of daffodils.

2. If You Don’t Do Anything Wrong, You Have Nothing To Fear A statement older than policing itself. The people who are attacked are, if not ‘yobs’ or ‘thugs’ at the very least ‘trouble makers’ and ‘criminals’. No Law abiding citizen need fear police violence. Well unless they decide something currently legal, such as protest, is a crime. So, then the police used violence on law abiding citizens. In chilling scenes on Tuesday they assaulted two journalists from The Cable, despite them showing press passes. They then detained the editor of Bristol 24/7, only releasing him thanks to the support of a near by photo journalist. On Friday they attacked a reporter from The Mirror, and ‘confronted’ a photographer. A short time after they arrested a ‘citizen journalist’ who had been streaming the protest on YouTube, first coaxing him over for a chat before grabbing him. They didn’t stop at journalists either, they attacked medics and the people they were treating, forcing them to relocate repeatedly.

1. I’m A Postman Yes, you read that right. We’ll let the victim of this particular incident speak for themselves by quoting from their social media post, which we have independent confirmation of. “This morning… I got out under arrest and handcuffed by 5 undercover police who barged into the house no masks initially claiming to my flatmate I needed to sign for a parcel (dressed as a postman) but followed her up yo my room. They told me I had been disorderly / violent which I knew I hadn’t. I was partially undressed and they were all big men and they wouldn’t let me call anyone and told my housemate to go to her room whole I was having actual panic attack and shrieking. They told me I was going to be out in a cell at keynsham police station but they needed to get a female officer over to help me dress first. I was clearly so distressed and confused BC I wasn’t even where they had placed me. Eventually they brought up a photo of a girl who clearly wasn’t me and then eventually dropped the arrest and left me but its so incompetent they could mistake me for this girl and actually get a warrant for my arrest when they can’t even catch real criminals My mental health has been pretty shit lately, especially anxiety so now this has happened and the police are responsible through treating me like a criminal and giving me no respect when I wasn’t even the person in their photo.So no I don’t have faith in the police or British justice system“

These are just the most easily provable lies that the police have told. There are many more, nearly everything they say has been an attempt to deceive. We hope both readers and writers, of the news will continue to remember that the police are not trustworthy sources.

As one commentator on twitter put it, Police statements are a lot less mystifying when you read them as what they are – propaganda by violent agents of the state.

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

this DLC has me FUCKED UP and i keep screaming

spoilers for Bounty of Blood under the cut, keep reading at ur own peril. Also some Guardian Takedown spoilers for anyone who hasn’t beat it yet

tl;dr: a comparison between something taken from BL2 and a thing taken from Bounty of Blood. more spoilery tl;dr below the cut.

also the siren thing is not spoilers so i’ll share it here for anyone curious, it’s just this: siren tattoos are blue but when lily absorbs eridium in 2, they turn pinkish/purple. just like how vaults do from bl1 to bl2. they’re white/blue in bl1, then purple-pink in bl2 (and tps), y’know, after Eridium begins erupting from the ground. just a neat little detail i noticed that im not entirely sure was intentional but im gonna believe it is.

tl;dr: Gythian Blood = Core and the Ruiner is of Eridian Origin even tho everyone in the DLC likes to say it was created with Jakobs’ bioengineering. disclaimer: idk if I’ve found every hidden ECHO so I may be missing a few things but I have done every side quest and took ample screenshots of all important dialogue in the DLC : )

“man i just sat here for like 15 minutes staring at my keyboard mentally comparing core and eridium like the dumb bitch i am. 

it's not like we can do an actual comparison because we have no idea what the natural fauna of gehenna was like before jakobs came and mutated everything with core unlike pandora where we know what skags and rakk and shit were like BEFORE the eridium crust erupted. 

altho!!! there's a neat comparison between joey ultraviolet and rose. like obviously he wasn't getting tattoos and was just doing lines of crushed up eridium but the point stands they both have glowy eyes and unique powers so i don't necessarily think this means rose is a siren just because she has magic powers especially when we know she got the whistling passed down to her from her grandmother. 

especially because we've never seen a siren interact with core before. altho that leaves the question we have seen core tattoos now what are eridium tattoos like? actually rose's tattoos were on her right arm obviously she isn't a siren as we know them right now (I saw a post on reddit where people thought rose was a siren) 

of course that brings up the point perhaps siren tattoos ARE eridium tattoos. but then we hear the general's log about how the devil riders were tattooing a man with core and blood so obviously they're not ‘naturally’ occurring unlike siren tattoos. so odds are they're probably not equivalents but something interesting i thought of while thinking about this is how well siren tattoos compare to the Vaults from borderlands 1 and borderlands 2″

anyway. this is all ive been thinking about. yes yes i know guardian takedown post but! >:( im still salty even tho this update has been lovely (outside of Blane not getting his correct damage scaling ‘till today......). so i’ll do that at my own damn pace. now let me elaborate so i can sleep at night lmao

Eridium

refinement produces slag, which weakens people and can mutate things

has mutating properties, mostly with imbuing elements into shit- possibly causes insanity

seems to be connected to another dimension, likely the one the Eridians are from

Core

has a secondary form of Infused Core

has mutating properties, mostly regarding a thing’s body and mind

apparently radioactive

there are some things i wanna note

1) People throughout the DLC say the Ruiner was created by the Jakobs corp (the company) thru bio-engineering but I’m 99% sure that’s not true. The paperwork seems to me like they found the egg somewhere on Gehenna and decided to roll and experiment with it like all corporations do when they find weird alien shit. so maybe they experimented with whatever was inside the egg, but I don’t think they actually created it entirely

“Excavated from [REDACTED] ... Local legends speaks of a [REDACTED]. This theory is not endorsed by our research personnel.

2) The Ruiner’s design reminds me a lot of the Warrior.

3) Core immediately reminded me of Gythian Blood from Guns Love and Tentacles and I don’t think that’s coincidence to have 2 back-to-back DLCs where the big bad is focused on green death juice. I think Gythian Blood and Core are of the same stuffs.

4) Therefore, I think the Ruiner is (mostly) of Eridian origin (if you haven’t already guessed). 

This gives us an amazing look into how the Eridians actually create their beasts!!! And I’m so happy they showed us this.

(side note, Interitus Regina (the long name for Ruiner) literally means Destruction Queen and I think that’s beautiful <3)

i mean the idea that they plunge them from orbit to create an explosion similar to a nuke is fucking horrifying (but holy shit I love it so much ahhh it’s so cool!!!!)

the one side line from Oletta about how the company couldn’t control the Ruiner deffo makes me double down on this theory. I’m not entirely sure how Rose’s grandma knew about the whistling (I don’t think I’ve found every echo log in that area YET), but I would bet it was part of the testing given how many fuckin’ tape players they have throughout the facility. The Warrior was controlled by verbal commands via Jack, so it’s possible that the Ruiner was intended to be controlled similarly, but Jakobs intervention (or something like the way Rose hatched it) fucked it up.

now we know the Warrior was created to protect the Vault of the Destroyer (hmm.) so what the heck was the Ruiner created for? Ruiner is a name given to it by Jakobs/the people of Gehenna so we can’t really assume, but then again the monster names are pretty apt in this series even tho they probably technically shouldn’t be. 

it was only an egg, so maybe it was another test of Core? A Vault Monster incubating until it was ready to protecc and attacc but was never hatched because the Eridians ‘sacrificed’ themselves before it could? (I’m still not convinced the Eridians are the good guys. Listen. LISTEN. The guardian takedown is something to think about, BUT it doesn’t disprove that theory and I’ll stand by it because I 100% trust the Overseer more than bitchpants mcgee over here who thinks he’s soooo special for no reason fuck you and your dumb ‘I did what the Watcher could not’ bull you haven’t done shit.) ok sorry im done he just angers me. stupid guardian man. your whip is stupid and you should feel bad. oh also I totally called us actually being Guardians thru Guardian Rank before the game came out aha yeah.

I definitely think Gythian was a test/use of Core from the Eridians. We see in Bounty of Blood that core seems to mutate more the physical (and occasionally mental) parts of people, like with the crew challenges u do for Juno with all the weird hybrid people and whatnot. Gythian had the whole ‘the heart still beats’ thing going on (which is definitely a physical mutation if i’ve ever seen one), plus the whole, you know, mind control and shit. Which is p similar to what the menta gnats can do when charged with Infused Core. And keep in mind in BLaT we see DAHL notes on what happens to test subjects when injected with Gythian Blood. They mutated physically and went insane.

What im saying is Sirens and Eridium and Elements are connected, so what does Core equal? body/mind sure but are there unique creatures for core (yes holy shit I’m not talking about h2o au for once and FINALLY they gave us a canon name for the green stuff!!!). If not, I’d love to see a Siren interact with Core to see what it does to them. seriously why hasn’t tannis interrupted us yet. horrible excuse for a science lover (kidding kidding, I love her). I’d also really love a fuller rundown on what the hell Rose’s powers were. Because the whistling thing seemed to just be her grandma’s thingie passed down to her from her mom

but the core stuff

her gun seems to be infused with it. So did her sword thing. I didn’t really get a good look at it i was too busy trying to see thru my blurry tears of LOVE for this DLC.

Strangely while her tattoos are (mostly) green I actually don’t know if they’re core infused bc look at this

n look back at hers. hers aren’t very lime.

anyway

her eyes

I’d love to know if the core gives her immediate future sight or just increased perception or reaction times. there’s a huge difference but she seemed to be able to shoot the gun outta the sheriff’s hand near immediately and it seems kinda implied its because of the core (or at least because her eyes are glowing green)

there’s a possibility she has some unique core powers/possibly implants because of her relations to the project in the first place, or as leader of the devil riders after looting the facility. it’s really hard to say without more info and like i said im not sure if i missed an ECHO or two or not regarding her backstory :( 

Her hair is also green which I just noticed. Maybe she has core powers bc her grandmother got suuuuuuuuper irradiated/influenced working on project horizons and it passed down thru her n Rose’s mom, to Rose. Tannis does have a line about Sirens having unique hair colors and, if Sirens are linked to Eridium, perhaps those linked to Core also have unique hair color. Could also explain why only Rose seems to have those whistling powers. That said we don’t really see anyone else trying that whistling thing out afaik and idk if it was, like, a special ability or a certain tone/ditty or w h a t. 

i know being vague with everything gives them more creative freedom to create amazing characters and scenarios, but dammit I want A N S W E R S.

All THAT said man I’m so glad magic is real in the borderlands universe. oh, sorry, “magic”. It’s magic. Science it, tannis, I dare you. either way, I win. Either it’s magic and H2O AU is canon, or it’s science and I finally get my goddamn answers. Hey gearbox can you make a book just explaining all the science and eridian stuff. please. I’d love you forever. please. pleaheheheheaaasseee it’s all i’ve ever wanted.

oh also can i just say, suuuper disappointed we didn’t learn anything about anshin. Really wish non-fan favorite corporations would get the spotlight/lore for once. Like, I like Jakobs as much as the next guy, and I get WHY they did it (can’t have a corporation looking too good!!!) but they now have 3 DLCs (Jakobs Cove, GLaT, and Bounty of Blood) and also a hefty chunk of the main game. Like... we all know Jakobs fuckin sucks, look at what they did on Pandora. I really just want info on a medical corporation 😭 I have to do everything my damn s e l f. but SERIOUSLY IMAGINE the possibilities that could come from a medical corp getting its hands on eridian tech. like, yeah obviously the weapons corps are gonna use it for weaponry and stuff BUT WOULDN’T THE MEDICAL CORPS MUTATING PEOPLE MAKE MORE SENSE??? ldfhgldfshg I have to do everything my damn self...

anyway all that aside, this is definitely by favorite borderlands dlc by a LONG shot. Nothing comes close. Ahhh the lore, the nuclear aspect, the a e s t h e t i c (seriously, have I mentioned how much I adore Trigun???), the art, the music, the cryoslinger, the fact I can bust out going beeEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAans like Ray Chase at any time and it will MAKE SENSE. I love all of it.

oh, also, Rose is totally not dead. C’mon, they couldn’t find her body. She pulled a Lilith. “Are you sure she didn’t just suffer a wound that LOOKS fatal, only for her to come back in a blockbuster sequel...?” is a line from mr Jones himself (the movie guy)

I just hope when she comes back she gets to meet Captain Scarlett. I’d love to watch their interactions plus pirates and or ninjas. That’s 2 DLC villains now that have vanished without a trace. And I like Captain Scarlett way more than Rose (seriously I spent the entire beginning of the DLC complaining about how her voice bothered me- I was so happy she was a villain, I was hoping that was the case).

oh yeah, reminder, the people of vestige were living next to highly radioactive egg for likely years. i feel really bad for them :(

also!!!

this made me smile

[foxstens]

time to talk about totono (beware the spoilers)

i knew it was a masterpiece from the very beginning, and i guess the reason for that is the atmosphere. i have never come across a vn that builds atmosphere so effectively, whether it be through the use of music or it’s absence, or the beautiful but ever-so unsettling art, or a mix of all of those. but that very atmosphere is probably what made me want to continue reading even if i was terrified of what was ahead of me

and yet, i only gave it a 7. there’s a few reasons for it. such as the fact that the music, though it works very well within the vn, there’s only one track i really like on its own, and in fact there were times even during the vn that i found the music annoying.

then there’s the protagonist who i won’t really elaborate on bc he barely has a role in the story, and he’s so ugly even though he doesn’t even have a face. i hate him with a passion and he doesnt deserve to be part of such a great story.

then there’s its structure i guess. like going in i was excited bc it’s listed as being a medium-length vn but it only has two love interests so of course i expected both of them to get equal amounts of focus and development. yea no.

other than the atmosphere aoi was hands-down my favourite part of it and i was so looking forward to her route, to have quite moments with her and fun moments with her and for her to get to change and become a /character/ instead of a plot device.

but i never quite got that. because she just doesn’t get enough screentime. like her personal quirks and her opinions and her speech patterns and the way she wears her uniforms and her life /in this world/, they’re all so interesting and i wanted to find out about those. i wanted her to receive character development in other ways than being a love interest.

and even her being a love interest could’ve been done so much better. i just didn’t feel it. when the big dramatic part of her route hit i didn’t feel as attached to her as i should’ve, and i wasn’t rooting for her relationship with the mc at all. tbh most of the emotions i felt during the confrontation scene were just because of how well that scene is done in general. 

so i was very much prepared for aoi to become one of my favourite female characters but it didn’t happen because the story decided that the other love interest deserves so much more screentime.

which brings me to the third and biggest reason that i can’t give this vn a 10. miyuki herself. 

i hated her from the first time  i saw her; i didn’t like her face or the colour of her hair or eyes or her hairstyle or her voice or anything. but i kept going, scared shitless, waiting for her to kill the mc or for me to warm up to her.

and i did warm up to her a tiny bit once i got onto aoi’s route and she acted all nice and  shit. but then the ending happened and i was so happy because i had called it from the very beginning.

and then it cemented itself as a masterpiece even more with how terrifying that ending scene was. and i loved it.

BUT THEN IT KEPT GOING. the entire vn getting messed up and being unable to save and having lost all my saves and not knowing what was happening and her talking directly to me at times - that was all fun. it became considerably less fun when i was stuck in this endless loop replaying the same scenes making slightly different choices at times, using the ctrl button more than i ever have in my entire time.

in real time i probably didn’t spend more than 3 hours in that hell but looking at her face all the time not knowing when it’d end going to the cat shopping a million times was incredibly aggravating. and when i looked up a walkthrough i found out this was called endless loop #1 and there’d be some plot happenings when i managed to choose my way out of it but then there’d be an endless loop #2 waiting for me. 

so after i got out of loop #1 i looked up its various endings on youtube then promptly deleted it. i appreciate so many things about this vn and it definitely feels like it’s a classic already, but the focus on miyuki really breaks it for me, and i can’t help imagining just how much better it would’ve been had aoi received even a fraction of that focus. D:

language-wise it felt quite easy i think. the fact that aoi’s lines are only written in kana is a bit unusual but personally i found it helpful because oftentimes what she says is repeated by others and written in kanji, which i really liked. she does use a fair amount of onomatopoeia which you might love or hate, but other than that the language is pretty simple as far as i could tell. i didn’t understand even close to half of the narration but i never felt like i was lost or missing out or something (except that one time i did a high skip and a new choice popped up without any context whatsoever lmao). i definitely feel like i learned a lot.

[kippentrash]

(1/?)The fact that I thought them saying long distance was a metaphor for how the relationship is slowburn is probably far fetched right? I think Rachel will show up in 3x14, that would be some conflict possibly because Marty is shown running with Buffy :o If I'm gonna be honest I think Muffy will get together romantically but once I meet Rachel I'll either be like "love this new character!" or "i want to cry why are you this way" JUST LET THEM BE HAPPY DISNEY I BEG YOU

(2/?) Tyrus tangents always welcome! My heart broke for both of them. Cyrus is already insecure as we’ve seen and this can’t be good for his self esteem :( TJ is obviously going through something and I’m worried for what it is. Did Kira make him insecure? Or was it something different? Either way this emotional conflict (as you pointed out) feels almost bigger than the gun. Because Cyrus trusts Tj at this point, the gun situation was the thing to cement that

(3/3) Totally agree with being outsold like this episode, while hurtful in aspects was so GOOD. We’re seeing Jonah growth, Muffy and Tyrus growth and I am here for it!! Bexie not having a wedding I was actually okay with? Hopefully Andi’ll be okay too. My cats a Burmese! He just reached his 1st year yesterday :) you have a dog??? What breed? How old? Sorry I love dogs they are great animals -ghostie anon

So like this turned out pretty long bc I addressed pretty much everything you mentioned (most elaborately the buildup and teardown of Cyrus) plus more here and there. Like, I’ve typed a lot before, and I’ve put things under a cut before, but this is LONG. Like when I first got into the fandom and typed a weeks worth of responsed for the Andi Mack Month prompts long. SO UNDER A CUT IT GOES LOL (I’m sorry again for it being practically a 5 page essay ;w;)

To summarize: Rachel will definitely be an interesting aspect of the ep, the things showed of Cyrus’s insecurities plus the fact that somersaults are ‘their thing’ makes it all the more painful, I’m really excited to see what specifically they chose to do with TJ and his insecurities, Jonah’s doing better and I don’t want Jandi to ruin that, this episode has some cool parallels to 1x11, and this episode set up so much with each of the relationships I’m ready to see unfurl. Oh and rip Andi bigtime this episode.

Oh and so you don’t need to scroll all the way down, THAT’S SO CUTE MY FRIEND HAS A BURMESE TOO!!! He always looks like he’s constantly terrified lol I don’t think he likes me. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HIM!!! Doggos are amazing I have a yellow lab and I wub her sm

OKAY ONTO MY HELLA LONG RESPONSE TO YOUR ASKS I LOVE YOU AND IM REALLY SORRY IN ADVANCED 

Ooo that’s a cool thought! Maybe maybe! All I thought about the long distance thing is it was to show that Marty has changed a little during their time apart and that it was a plot device to show that Buffy’s competitiveness can cause her to get in over her head still, as well as you know the Marty worrying stuff. But that’s actually really interesting I hadn’t thought of it that way! I wonder how slow burn they can make it though considering how little is left for them to work with.

Pretty much anything Muffy related will cause conflict when it comes to Rachel tbh. Like just them standing next to one another with her knowledge will be something because of the sheer amount of sparks flying between them when they so much as look at each other LOL (You can see my Muffy stan jumping out). And I’m all for it! No offense Rachel, I know you probably make Marty happy and stuff but like… Muffy. I’m honestly kind of curious how Marty and Rachel’s relationship is going to be portrayed considering it’s going to be sunk FAST and I’m pretty sure Muffy will happen extremely soon after so. We’ll see how that goes. Because Muffy is definitely endgame at this point in my opinion, whether it be ambiguous because Rachel and Marty just broke up and they want to find security in the newly rebuilt relationship they have before starting anything or something they show with full confirmation and commitment on screen.

I’m trying my best to have NO expectations of Rachel so we’ll see what happens when I meet her lol. There’s no character in this show at this point I have ZERO opinion on I think (watch me remember some as soon as I finish posting this lol), so I’m pretty sure that I’ll definitely form some feeling about her in the single episode she’s in. But I’m kind of hoping they’re not that strong of feelings. So we’ll see how that goes I don’t want to feel bad for her but I also don’t want to just despise her for being a buffer between Muffy so. WE SHALL SEE WE SHALL SEE.

As for Tyrus, oh my GODS right? Looking at it from Cyrus’s perspective might pain me even more than looking at it in TJ’s. 

TJ’s the one person who’s constantly believed in him and never seems to be ashamed of Cyrus, and then this happens. He was the first one to tell Cyrus not to let anyone, even himself, tell him what he can’t do. Then take into account that somersault is one of those big moments in Cyrus’s life where TJ was there and believed in him and didn’t seem to be ashamed or put off by it, even though Cyrus and Andi had insisted it was something Cyrus was incapable of. Both him and his best friend tried to warn TJ against it, yet TJ didn’t give up on Cyrus and was so proud when he was able to do it. But now that same thing that TJ had once been proud of and shown no judgment towards and is something Cyrus considered to be their thing is what TJ winds up opting out of. 

It brings me back to s2 when Cyrus said “He wants to be friends with me. Who knows why.” And it makes me really want to cri everytiem. Like you said, the gun situation built up their friendship even more and established its solidarity, and you can tell they got even closer after it. He thought they were comfortable and that he was as important to TJ as TJ was to him (which he IS), especially after the whole “only person I can talk to like this” thing. So TJ not telling Cyrus something, along with that ‘something’ negatively having to do with something he thought was special to both of them, must be a real punch in the gut.  Maybe Cyrus is more secure in himself than I’m giving him credit for and is just feeling betrayed, but I think it’s more of both betrayal, humiliation, and questioning of their whole relationship (which I think I’ve posted about already lol). 

AND THEN if you take when he and Jonah were supposed to wear matching jackets together and compare that to him and TJ in this scenario, I’d think that this feels even worse. TJ was the one brought up doing a matching costume in comparison to him bringing up the jackets with Jonah, and instead of just being a jacket from a random sports game he didn’t care for, this was an inside joke that he emphasized was their thing. So it was bigger and more important. This may be me reading into it too much, but considering being ditched in a situation like this is now something that has happened to him before due to the Jonah thing, he might feel even worse about himself for letting it happen to him twice.

I’m putting a lot of emphasis on the fact that it’s their thing, because even though Cyrus and TJ both saying that in the episode was cute for the simple fact that they say they have a ‘thing’, I feel like by saying that it also draws attention to the importance of what the costume was in their relationship. It was them both being proud of having a ‘thing’ and ‘inside joke’ together. And I kinda keep in mind that Cyrus and TJ had been talking about the costume and its importance to two different people trying to stand their ground against two different costumes. They know both of them found the costume funny and was a cool joke between the two of them, but they didn’t necessarily know how much importance it held for the other. But one party backed out of something that actually holds importance and emotional value for someone they claimed they didn’t really hang out with much and with no warning at all. If it were me my anxiety would make me wonder whether it had actually been important to them at all or if it were all in my own head. ;=;

This scene just feels so built up from so many different times we’ve seen Cyrus feel insecure, and now that TJ’s become someone he doesn’t find himself feeling insecure around and someone he instead finds comfort in, having it all compound into TJ no longer being someone who he can feel he trusts makes it so much worse. Especially since it related to something he felt was important enough to them that he’d opted out of the GHC+Jonah costume.

And on TJ’s side I feel so bad that he feels like turning down Kira for Cyrus is something that wouldn’t normally be accepted, and I’m really curious what route they’re going to go in terms of which aspect of what she said had caused him to change his mind, because really there are a few different things they can go about using. They can draw it on the lines of peer pressure and social hierarchy, fear of being too obvious with how he treats Cyrus, make him question himself/his sexuality, etc. and whatever route they do take will essentially come back to TJ’s insecurity. 

But like I said, TJ’s never seemed to be ashamed of being close to Cyrus before and has never seemed to care about how being friends with Cyrus (or ‘a person like Cyrus’) might affect his image before, so I’m really interested to see what part of his insecurities caused him to ditch Cyrus. He’s in so much pain when he sees Cyrus (Luke OUTSOLD) that it makes me wonder what pushed him to even consider hurting both himself and Cyrus in the process. Especially when you consider the line from 3x7 where he talks about how if he knew Reed had a gun, he definitely wouldn’t have brought Cyrus. So yeah, I’m really curious and hope to see them actually specify what part of her threat caused him to decide to change his mind. They pretty much need to have him give some explanation to Cyrus in order for things to mend themselves.

I also wonder if TJ will feel bad enough about this to avoid Cyrus himself or if TJ’s insecurities will cause him to feel like he doesn’t have the right or can’t talk to Cyrus without it being risky, or if Cyrus will be avoiding him after this or anything. This seems like a big argument type of thing. No TJ next episode means no confrontation for at least a period of time in-universe, and I don’t think it’ll be Buffy and Andi policing Cyrus again this time. Cyrus is his own person, they know that and acknowledge that more than ever after the gun incident, and I think they know whatever he does in regards to TJ will be his own decision and will support his decision like the good friends they are. People are upset at them for jumping to conclusions about TJ ditching Cyrus but fact of the matter is their friend is extremely upset over something TJ caused, and they’re being protective. Sort of like when Amber had done some bad things to Andi, it took Cyrus and Buffy some time on their own to lower their defenses. Plus, looking at Cyrus’s face when he was about to cry after TJ leaves with Kira tells me that while the gun thing wasn’t that personal, this definitely was.

Please say that it’s not a plotline they shove offscreen for an episode like they did with Jonah and Libby before coming back to it. At least show Cyrus having some distress about it and talking about it with maybe Buffy or something. And please please please Andi Mack I beg of you stop hurting TJ like this he’s already gone through so much and he’s NOT EVEN A MAIN CHARACTER SALKDJASKLDJ Anytime he does something like this it will give me flashbacks to “classic TJ” and I DON’T WANT IT TO (okay yes I do because it shows it’s a powerful line and they’re using it to provoke me properly but you know what I mean)

Jonah, Jonah, Jonah. This poor boy. He’s growing into his own person and becoming more understanding that while he should take others feelings into account he also needs to pay attention to himself instead of just always putting on a brave face which I love. But jfc he has the worst timing to make these decisions. Andi already had so many other things just crashing down around her, adding his anvil to the pile was definitely an oof.

I really hope that now that they’re emphasizing both how Andi does not want to be the next ex in the lineup as well as how Jonah finds being in a relationship too demanding that it’s actually building up to a single Jonah endgame, or at the very least an ambiguous endgame. They have it pretty set in stone at this point that Andi and Jonah are fine with their friendship and that Jonah’s been getting himself into relationships he is most definitely not ready for, so with so few episodes left I can’t see how they can turn that on its heel and result in Jandi endgame without some major logic gaps. 

For the love of EVERYTHING Jonah take some time to be single. Amber always needing a boyfriend pales in comparison to you always getting a girlfriend even though you don’t even seem to want one???

Also random but I really like how his decision to not partake in the group costume paralleled 1x11 where Andi decided to not just make decisions to make Jonah happy. I feel like this episode in general paralleled bits of 1x11 here and there tbh. Maybe I’m just reading into it too much but not just Jonah and Andi making their own decisions instead of making everyone happy, but the whole costume aspect vs the prison uniforms, Cyrus wanting to back out of Mt Rushmore vs wanting to change into his own outfit for picture day, Buffy helping Cyrus find an replacement vs Buffy helping Cyrus find a way to use the prison uniform well for his picture, and Jonah not participating in Mt Rushmore just for Andi vs Andi not giving up on her movement and taking off the uniform just for Jonah are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head! I haven’t seen anyone mention it and it’s not like its a big obvious parallel, but it’s just some things I started thinking about after comparing Jonah and Andi’s ‘were we ever’-esque speeches.

AND FINALLY MUFFY, TYRUS, AND BEXIE PLOTS OPENING. 

Like you said, I love the develpoment they’re giving Muffy and Tyrus! Muffy’s being given time to show that they fit like puzzle pieces even after not talking for awhile and that even after they haven’t talked for awhile and left on not the best of terms, they still clearly care for eachother whatever way that is at the moment, and I can’t wait to see how they add to that care and their dynamic as we get to see the rest of Marty’s episodes in the season. Tyrus getting angst specifically related to their relationship like Muffy’s ‘I want it to be real/I don’t want it to change’, Bexie’s proposal(s) and last name decision, and Jandi’s… well Jandi’s everything since pretty much it’s always something personal blown out of proportion for Jandi is something I didn’t expect and am actually excited for the more I think about it! Like yes it’s going to pain me until the show is back, but I’m not opposed to the angst itself lol. So I’m ready to see how they grow and to what extent they grow by the finale!

Bexie not having a wedding I’m actually okay with too. Like there’s really no rush to get married, if they decide later down the line they do want to have a wedding or just want to officiate it that’s fine. They’re engaged, and they’re committed to eachother, and that’s enough for them if they can be a family. Of course, eventually they’ll probably want to go through with at least something small in the future (if you think hypothetically not with the confirmation they’re gonna have a wedding in show) that’s fine too. Honestly, considering they didn’t even go through the process of beginning to date again before proposing, I sort of think it’d be good for them if they prolong the wedding. There’s no time frame a wedding needs to occur post engagement, right?

I do feel bad for Andi though, since she was so excited and working so hard with Cece to plan for the wedding, only for it to not happen since of course it’s not her wedding and she can’t make them get married if they don’t want to. This episode was just so mean to her oh my gosh, from her parents’ marriage to her group costume, they were things she was so excited for but had to rely on others which ultimately fell through and she just can’t do anything about it really. PLUS trying to work out a friends’ relationship and make it work for them even though it’s really not something she should need to get involved with must’ve exhausted her. Trust me, I know. I know the feeling for both the being excited for something but commitments fall through and the feeling of how tiring it is trying to help friends in a relationship understand their own relationship. Lmao.

I think that was about it in response to what you said. Sorry again that it’s so frEAKING long and if you read this far (whether you’re ghostie or you’re just a random passerby on this LONG ASS POST) you a real one and I love you

I should have applied to TyrusChat with this much commentary i stg SLKAJDLKSAJ except I was too socially anxious to apply and have such disorganized thoughts to dump. Whoops.

I hope this made sense. It took me like 2-3 hrs to type this all out while discording my friends (not related to Andi Mack), so yeah. Hope this was a fun read and is somewhat coherent since it’s 2am. No proofreading we die like… dead people.

OVERALL: As you put it best...

“JUST LET THEM BE HAPPY DISNEY I BEG YOU “

[icharchivist]

I was rewatching DGM hallow and I remembered that Lavi and Bookman occasionally engage in telepathic conversations. How come I've never seen this talked about more in all the years I've been in this fandom? This is really weird. Even most of the Noahs think it's weird/creepy when someone reads their thoughts/talks in their head. The more I think about the Bookman the creepier they get. I'm not implying they're evil. Just really weird. 1) Telepathic w/each other. 2) Not only against attachments-

2 but against having a heart (not even the past Jedi at their most radical taught padawans to not feel anything). 3) If Bookman and Lavi are the standard then they either think they're above humanity or hate humans or or just indifferent. 4) they have SO many secrets that they keep to themselves no matter what. 5) they will never feel loyalty for anyone/thing that doesn't further their own ambition and even then they can easily drop you like you mean nothing to them. 5) They routinely erase-

3 each other's minds and none of them remember their birth names. 6) they swap identities so many times their own growth as individuals is trivial. 7) Ever single (possible) bookman we have met has either exhibited creepy or hostile behaviour. 8) they take to neutrality so strongly you can question if they even think to care what will happen to them if the Earl's plans succeed. 9) Are they even self aware? I'm not expecting a complete disaster. But I am expecting the bookman to weird me out.

Okay so for the telepathy i will have to come back to it when i will re-read it bc i don’t really remember it in Hallow and I think the scene I think should be that one??? Is the fact that ii’m almost certain i remember it being confirmed that Lavi and Bookman talk a whole other language. Apparently the Bookmen would have had their own language and I think i remember that in the manga it was translated by having weird bubbles to specify they were talking in that language (and it is possible that, due to the fact the anime couldn’t just pull a new language that was a work around to still have one of their Bookmen conversation being visible using telepathy).

But i really don’t remember the scene in question in details so i will have to check that out again but I THINK it is Bookman Language related more than telepathy and that the telepathy was a way for the anime to translate it

THAT SAID if the idea of Telepathy is a thing (which tbh could still be??? Bookmen already messes with minds a lot with the whole deleting memories thing who knows the hell they can do) it could explain also a lot of much more silent looks that we kinda justified so far by “they know something we don’t”. It might have been conversations we missed. 

Still unsure though i’ll get back to that when i will properly have re-read those parts bc this is really intruiguing me now

I know the fandom had talked about the Bookman’s language though but i’ve never heard of telepathy before now?? Idk 

And yeah like you say this is very weird bc putting them on the same level as Wisely is... very weird. Besides considering how much Lavi still struggles to get people around him i am fairly certain that if telepathy there are it i between the Bookmen only, not all knowing as Wisely.

But yeah aside from that, mood. The Bookmen are seriously a creepy brunch. Not in a bad way, but in a “this is extremely shady and I get you’re doing that to be neutral but i’m not sure those means are actually legally or morally applicable”

I agree with all your points. 

and i’ll elaborate under cut bc i might have gone carried away,

well 1) i just discussed it there, either Telepathy which would be a whole new can of worm, or a whole other language that would still applies that they have a special language to keep secrets in. And tbh it would also make sense that they would write down records in a secret language since they don’t actually let people Read their reccordings: Bookman specify that it comes with the part to “chat a lot”, they won’t share the written reccords (which they MUST HAVE for the the survival of the clan), so “Secret Language no one else in the world know” rings as shady to me.

4) NOT TO MENTION we know that Bookman also keeps secrets from Lavi (when meeting Cross’s altered akuma, Bookman specifies it was only something he (and Cross) knew about.). And it’s not to mention secrets that the Bookman in charge keeps from the rest of the Clan (see again, how Lavi’s eye is only known by Bookman Sr, not anyone else in the clan seems aware of that)

6) Apparently about their switching identities, something very creepy that came out of the latest Komui corner too is that the name they have during a war is the name that the recording will officially get. Meaning it’s not even that “Lavi” calls himself like that for the people around him, it’s that even after Jr would have moved on or died or anything, the Records of the Holy War would still be called “Lavi”. And we know that the names picked seems to have meaning that applies to each wars (as Wisely smugly smile realizing Lavi’s name’s meaning, but doesn’t tell people). So even more of a disconnect with their sense of humanity since they have to be distanced from their own names, as their names become history as it goes. Which makes Jr’s identity crisis over how “Lavi” is “him” even more creepy tbh, bc it extends that “Lavi” isn’t just a reccord name anymore, it is not just the Holy War anymore, it is part of Jr as a BEING. And to me that’s even creepier that it’s even something Lavi has to worry about.

8) this is honestly one of my biggest questions. If the Earl’s plans work, all humanity will die. Or at least there had been no mention so far of any “saved people that would go through the Ark”. (there had been speculations about the real purpose of the Akuma and how its evolution process would be perhaps a part in creating supperior beings to salvage during the Flood like the original Ark did, and i’ll need to get back to the chapters tha thints that there are more secrets to the Dark Matter than it just reversing the innocence, BUT personally I have issues with this theory because of how easily the Noah do torture and kill the Akuma at times and seem to look down on them. But I would agree there seems to be a bigger purpose to the Akuma and the Dark Matter that we cannot even imagine.)Regardless, I don’t see anyway for the Bookmen Clan to survive, else the Noah would have found way to keep them on their sides and not torture them like they do now and exclude them. Yet we know at some points the Bookmen were “on the Noah’s side”. So what the hell do the Bookmen expect to happen with the Flood? Is their neutrality so important that they are ready to litteraly go down with this ship when the end of the world come? Yet we know they have some self preservating instinct it seems, so why? It just enerves me so much!

9) Yeah same, basically.

One last thing i will add: How the HELL did Bookman manage to find himself and Lavi innocences he knew they would be accomodator to when they decided to join the Order? Bc the Corner mentions that Bookman decided to set them into the Order to watch BEFORE they even got in contact with the innocences, and Lavi mentions that “Gramps just knew we’ll find innocences we would be compatible with” and how????? How the hell??? You can’t just make it that easy for the two of them to randomly connect with two random innocences (and we know they’re the one who have shown the least actual connection with the innocence) after arcs and arcs proving that the innocence is picky and sentient, that its own personality affects who they end up picking, that even the synch can change depending of how the innocence feel to their acomodator, and Especially, that the Order had DECADES of experimentations that were basic human rights violation due to how desperate they were to not be able to have enough people synchronizing with the innocence.

You  cannot have a full arc of telling us the Order did an entiere experiment about bringing fallen exorcists’s brains back in new bodies in hope the innocence would synch with said bodies, while letting those bodies decay under the pain of the innocence, for the sLIGHT CHANCE an innocence could be compatible again, only to then tell us “oh yeah we wanted to join the order so we ended up finding two innocences that we could connect to.”

For exemple: Take the Crows. it’s obvious the Crows want to help the holy war, as the Third Exorcist project proved a whole brunch of people were ready to put Dark Matter in their body to fight back the Akuma. And from all those Crows, from all the experiments we know the Order have carried on, somehow, as long as we don’t know of a “Former Crow Exorcist”, it means it’s not that easy. Not when you have a whole military branch who would be willing to be God’s apostles. And it’s not even counting how others Orders’s soldiers like the Finders would or not jump on the occasion.

So how the hell did they do that? How the hell did Bookman find those? bc even if they don’t connect to their innocence on an emotional level, they seem like proper innocence. Else Allen would have commented about how the souls don’t disappear like planned, like when he saw how the Third Exorcists killed the Akuma. Besides, we also know Bookman fears Lavi’s innocence could turn into a crystal type, so it confirms this is legit innocence, and that Bookman doesn’t have full controle over it.

How could Bookman be so sure they will become accomodator BEFORE finding any innocences? It raises seriously worrying implications considering all we know about the innocence and how hard it is to find accomodators for it this far in the saga. 

*take s a deep breath* anyway that said,

tbh part of me understand the feeling of “wanting to disconnect your feelings” when you watch history happens, because history is goddamn overwhelming. For having studied history for a few years i’ve personally had a few breakdown just over thinking about the amounts of horrors you read about one year after the other, so to have to remember all those horrors AND reccord current horrors, I understand in principle the thought that shutting those emotions down is the easiest way to record it. 

In principle.

Because in practice this is (a lot like you compared) nearly impossible witout losing their humanity and even losing perhaps an important part of how to understand and translate human experiences through emotional lenses. That’s the major issue with this logic.

had they done that for so long they don’t even question it? Or are they perfectly aware that it’s exactly why they cannot afford emotions? what are their view on the world and it coming to an end? How far are they willing to go in order to keep their own secrecy and status squo? Do they even realize the possible irony of them “not meedling with history” while the only fact that they are meddling by taking the dispositions they do to remain hidden/uninvolved? Not to mention that wanting it or not, Bookman and Lavi had meddled in the Holy War. Would they remain fully neutral, Bookman wouldn’t have had to tell everything he knew about the Noah to Komui in his first appearance for exemple. 

Lately it seems like they seem more interested in the Noah losing (self preservation kicking in) but that does raise the question of how far they are willing to share the secret history and how much is considered “medding with history”? Because this “secret knowledge no one should have” IS changing the course of history by being shared.

Do they even realize or do they really see themselves as walking books who can deliver information if pressed a the condition it doesn’t require to dig in their secrets? Where do they draw the lines?

I have HUNDREDS of questions about the Bookmen and it drives me insane. I won’t exclude that i might be overthinking it bc man, gotta wait between chapters huh, and that perhaps it won’t be that complicated or deep, but the more you get to see how shady the Bookmen are the more you wonder how and why?

Anyway that fascinates me. Bookmen pls unlock your secrets,,

[seoulscenarios]

Romeo, Romeo wherefore art thou Romeo?

Genre: light angsty fluff, high school au, female reader insert

Member(s): Stray Kids’ Minho (ft. Jisung and the lads)

Word count: 2991

Warnings: light swearing, light pda at the end

Summary: you and Minho had been best friends since you could walk but it seems only you had developed a crush on him. Will a late class and a small two man production of Romeo and Juliet change his mind or does he really not like you? Featuring the rest of the crackheads with their leader, Han Jisung, love is in the air at school and a certain someone is just oblivious to it.

Authors note: based off the following request “All time fav cliché best friends to lovers with Minho (stray kids) angsty fluff where reader (preferably female) thinks her love is one sided, but turns out it’s not. Good ending”. I hope this is something to what you wanted and sorry it’s not heavy on the angst pls enjoy !!

-You and Minho had een best friends for years and you always had the tiniest crush on Minho but it escalated a lot over the summer as Minho glowed UP

-Wow u are whipped

-However whipped as you are for him he never seemed to reciprocate it

-Ever

-You even went out with on valentine’s day 3 (three?!) years in a row but his thick skull didn’t acknowledge it and just thought it was another friends doing friends things

-So, you moved on

-I mean he’s your best friend you can’t let your crush get in the way of things

-You were there for him whenever he argued with his parents or friends, he was stressed about school or failed a test and uwu

-You’re just the bestest of friends and everyone is jealous (tho most think you are dating)

-So,,,,,

-You guys always hang out in school together bc you’re in the same friendship group

-And youre in most of the same classes, so you normally walk together

-WELL

-Minho managed to make the BOTH of you late to ur first class bc his dumb ass slept through his alarm and u had to basically drag him out of bed lmao

-So u rock up late for class

-Ur teacher is NOT impressed

-So as a punishment they give u a script of a play and told to learn it by next week

-U groan when u see the title of the play

-Romeo and Juliet

- Oh no

-This won’t end well

-You glance at Minho to see if he has any reaction bc,,,,, hello ur dying on the inside and probably the outside and you can hear Jisung and felix trying to hold in their laughs at u

-(you make a mental note to beat their asses later)

-And Minho

-Is very unfazed as he flicks through the script

-Ur kinda disappointed

-I mean it’s not fair how you’re a literal MESS trying not to let the floor swallow u up in embarrassment tbh

-So,, the two of you practice outside of class at ur guys’ house and you can’t help but notice how utterly unfazed he was by this whole ordeal

-Ur both literally reciting the most well-known love story on this planet and yet,,,,, nothing

-Not an ounce of feeling that he likes you

-I mean,,, he’s not a bad actor and his romeo makes u SWOON but honestly you swoon for irl Minho not just romeo Minho

-As you stutter over some of the lovey-dovey lines u hear Minho laugh a little and tells u to redo it

-his little shit

-After a week of practice, you guys are ready to perform this goddamn piece

-I may add that ur teacher only gave you the condensed version and not the whole play

-It just so happens that the condensed version only focuses on romeo and juliet’s love

-Bc English teachers amirite?

-So the two of you turn up to class ON TIME this week, not wanting to get ur ass beat again

-And ur just the tiniest bit nervous bc !!!! hello !!!! ur performing with ur crush !!!!

-U glance over at ur seatmate Jisung who gives u a big thumbs up

-BREATHE Y/N

-Everything is going well, u don’t stutter and Minho is just the perfect romeo

-Until the final scene I may add

-As you lay “dying” as Juliet, Minho runs onto the scene and spots u laying down

-He walks up to u and goes to kneel

-BUT

-Before you both knew it, he stumbled

-And fell

-Right

-On

-Top

-Of

-You

-Lips centimetres apart from each other

-OWO what’s this

-U swear the whole class are holding their breaths and can hear ur damn heartbeat

-U stare at Minho in shock for what must have been a minute

-Neither one of you tearing ur eyes apart from the other

-It wasn’t until you hear ur teacher cough slightly that the two of you snap out of it and Minho pulls away

-He finishes the scene off with no problem and honestly,,,, u don’t even register it’s over until Minho offers his hand to help you stand up

-You grab it, flushing a hella lot bc,,,,, u nearly kissed ur crush in front of ur whole class RIP

-Ur teacher was impressed with u guys and let you off the next assignment ur class had (if only u were aware of this then u would hear the whole class esp Jisung groan)

-As u go back to ur seat,,, ur eyes drift back to Minho and ur thoughts go back to that last scene and his lips……

-“yah Y/N ! u and minho were so close I swear you were gonna kiss you shoulda seen ur face!!!!! I thought for real that Minho was just gonna plant one on you !”

-Smh Jisung

-Poor baby,,, u just sit in shock trying to concentrate

-Hint: it doesn’t work

-Ur plagued with thoughts of Minho for the rest of the day,,,,, I mean you already were but now it’s like sensory overload but with Minho

-But u know he doesn’t like you

-Lmao why would he

-He surely would’ve spoken to you about by now esp after that near kiss in class

-But this dumbass is still oblivious

-School ends and ur trying to forget about the near kiss

-But in this, you forget that Minho has a habit of walking you home

-So there he is

-Leaning on your locker waiting for you to turn up

-YOU SWOON BC NO ONE SHOULD LOOK THAT HOT IN SCHOOL UNIFORM FOR PETE’S SAKE

-His blazer was off, shirt sleeves rolled up, blonde hair tousled and wavy (ladies, imagine Minho like this I’m crying)

-U feel ur heart literally stutter

-I swear that’s a medical condition Y/N

-“Let’s stop by the convenience store, my treat” he smiles down at you as he moves out the way so u can get to ur locker

-Dude,,,,, u need to stop before I melt into the floor

-“Uhhhh I can’t I have,,,,,, a study session at the library gotta work on some literature stuff u know ahaha”

-Minho frowns but doesn’t react massively

-Secretly he thinks its hella cute that ur tryna avoid him but that’s for another time

-“Okay, don’t study too hard and I’ll treat you another time. Text me when you get home”

-UWU

-Anyone who overhears this would be like wow 10/10 relationship goals tbh

-U however, a self-proclaimed dumbass, don’t dwell on it too much

-You guys tend to grab food after school together

-ANYWAYS

-Minho pulls you in for a hug before leaving

-Oof ur heart is stuttering again

-How you made it to the library for ur study session is a wonder tbh

-25 minutes later finds you groaning into ur books cursing minho’s name

-That’s when u realise 2 things, 1) that wow ur a FOOL bc there is no literature homework bc of ur work from earlier and 2) Minho is very bad for your health and u gotta avoid him for ur own sake

-U walk into school with this resolve

-It doesn’t work

-Minho is in practically every single one of ur classes

-So u practically have to run from each class to avoid him

-Which leaves Minho very confused

-He doesn’t walk with anyone else from class or treat them like he does to you

-Which makes Jisung very jealous,,, bc why can’t Minho treat him like this

-Little did you know Minho has a PHAT crush on you and Jisung is PLAGUED by the both of u gushing about the other

-Jisung is MEDITATING

-So when you start avoiding him even more Minho is extremely put out bc what does he do now who does he spend time with now

-(jeongin: we’re still here hyung!!!)

-Being the good friend he is, he gives u space but is still v sad about it

-And honestly, ur sad too bc as much as you love spending time with Jisung,,,,,, he’s no Minho lmao

-One night after school Minho is kicking round the football field with the others and that’s when he realises

-He’d much rather spend his time with you

-It’s not that he doesn’t love his friends, he just happens to love you even more

-But how can he reach out to you when ur avoiding him still

-Jisung notices how glazed over Minho’s eyes and knows

-*cracks knuckles* it’s time

-Jisung sends Minho home telling him to grow some chest hair n text u lmao

-Minho does go home but does not text you bc he’s just a nervous boy

-Jisung to the lads: “now he’s gone, we gotta make a plan for the two lovebirds they’re so BLIND I’m sick of it I might just confess to Minho myself”

-Chan: “……….”

-Jisung: “that was a joke old man, let’s focus pls ladies”

-So the plan

-Was it an elaborate one?

-Definitely not

-Lmao have u seen these kids they’re a bunch of crackheads

-Baso,,,, they’re just following the classic let’s text them separately to meet up as a front but SIKE it’s just the two of you alone

-Fool proof right?

-Somehow it is???

-Shocking??

-The two of you don’t expect anything is going on

-So it’s the weekend when the plan is put into action

-It’s been 17 days since you last spoke to Minho not that you had been counting haahaha okay yesyouhaveitsnotlikeyoumisshimoranything

-You wake up to a text from Jisung saying that him, felix, hyunjin, and changbin were going for ice cream and whether you wanted to go

-Which duh??? Ice cream???

-U needed it so you dragged yourself out of bed to get ready

-Little did you know that Minho too had received a text from Woojin saying that him and the others (a.k.a the family,,,,, Woojin, chan, seungmin and jeongin) were going for ice cream

-And Minho wasn’t passing up the chance esp when there was a high probability that chan would pay lmao

-*in the master gc of getting Minho and Y/N together*

-Jisung: excellent

-So 1pm rolls by and ur there at the ice cream parlour waiting for the others to rock up

-U go to order bc honestly boys take so long to get ready istg

-As you give ur order a voice behind goes “and a matcha ice cream as well please”

-U FREEZE

-Why of all the ppl to turn up

-It’s the one ur trying to avoid

-U turn to face him

-“Minho?”

-“Y/N?”

-Felix, somewhere: beYONCE?

-Ur in shock bc 1) why is here? 2) who allowed him to look so good in white ripped jeans ur DYING HERE 3) where is everyone else?

-That’s when u realise

-Jisung is a snake and ur friendship is over

-Y/N is taking applications for a new friend who isn’t called Han Jisung thank you

-Ur heart is stuttering bc Minho looks so boyfriend ur not okay

-Safe to say those 17 days did NOTHING in swaying your crush on him

-“Is that all?” oh yikes yeah this isn’t a drama scene Y/N where ur crush confesses to u, someone has to pay at this point and the queue behind the two of u is getting impatient lmao

-You whip around blushing “uh yeah that’s everything” u reply stuttering and trying to whip out ur card

-Before you can, Minho’s arm stretches out in front of u and taps the machine in front of you

-Istg u feel butterflies in ur stomach at Minho being in such close contact with u

-U can feel the heat radiating on ur back

-You get ur ice cream and u go to leave the shop but Minho grabs your arm

-U turn to him questioningly to be met with slightly hurt eyes

-Did I do that to him?

-Yes u fool

-“Sit with me. Please?”

-How can you refuse that

-……………

-It’s so awkward

-“Are you okay? Why are you avoiding me? Did something happen? Just let me know if you’re okay?”

-Owo my heart

-“uh,, no nothing’s happening….. I’m just busy u know??? Hahaaha school is really kicking my ass”

-Minho just nods and takes a spoonful of ice cream so u do the same

-“Just let me know if I can help you in anyway, I’m always here for you. Don’t suffer alone, I hate seeing you so down?”

-………….

-…………

-Honestly,,,,, u just about melt at this

-Putting ur spoon down and u look at him

-Now or never, Y/N

-“Okay…. I’ll let you know what’s the real problem. It’s you, mr lee Minho.”

-Minho is SHOCKED why is he the problem

-“uhhhhhh”

-“Please let me finish or else I’ll never have the courage to do this again. You have no right to be stealing my heart yet again by nearly kissing me in the middle of class. Do you know how embarrassing that was, I really just wanted to kiss you and I would’ve combusted if you did but you didn’t which made it worse. Why didn’t you kiss me? I’ve literally been sending you signals for nearly two years, and that’s saying something because I saw you in your awkward teen phase and still liked you, and you haven’t even responded. So I avoided you because my heart keeps stuttering whenever I’m near you I’m surprised you can’t hear it. I mean you’re so hot I just wanna kiss you, especially since that day all I can think about is your lips as you were SO close to me this is the worst time to confess but I really like you Lee Minho.”

-And breathe Y/N

-And Minho is no better

-How dare his crush confess before he can smh

-He sits in shocked silence trying to process this information

-You, however, are dying

-That’s it, he’s not replying he doesn’t like you Y/N LEAVE

-So u try to

-But as you stand up so does Minho

-And his hand shoots out to grab your shirt and he just plants one on you ????? in the middle of a damn ice cream parlour?????

-UWU

-Ur in shock

-The man of your dreams,,,,, kissing you ???? more likely than you think ??? so u kiss him back ??? ofc u do how could you not

-It tastes of matcha and strawberry ice cream and something,,, so inherently Minho u just wanna keep kissing him tbh

-Y’all break apart and honestly,, you sit back down in shock

-“That…. Was some confession Y/N”

-“Shut up!”

-“Hey, it’s okay babe. I like you too. Sorry my confession isn’t as grand as yours but,,,, I like you and always have done”

-….

-Oh

-“So please, Y/N, be my girlfriend” his hand stretches across the table nervously

-You smile as u see his hand creep across the table and you reach for him, intertwining your fingers

-He smiles back even bigger and pulls you out of the shop

-You guys had a lot of time to make up for ajbfaiubsag

-So,,, Monday rocks around and you walk to school with Minho this time, rather than mooching in with headphones in

-You guys walk to your normal spot before school starts and Minho is telling you some story about Felix, Changbin and Hyunjin when u hear a scream and lots of wolf whistles

-Spoiler: it’s Jisung and the lads

-“YOU OWE ME MONEY I TOLD YOU THIS PLAN WOULD WORK THEY’RE HOLDING HANDS! I AM THE DOCTOR OF LOVE, HAN JISUNG”

-You laugh as you take a seat next to him as chan grumbles about his wallet being drained AGAIN by his kids’ appetites

-As the hollering quietened down Jisung taps ur shoulder

-“Sooo, you guys are official now? After years of pining ???”

-Rather than deigning Jisung with a worded response a wicked plan forms in ur head

-You tapped Minho’s shoulder to divert his attention from Seungmin

-As he faced you, you grabbed his tie and pulled him in for a kiss

-He was a little shocked at how brazen you were bc hello this is school and these are ur friends but honestly,,, he freaking LOVED it

-He smiled into the kiss and one hand rested on your waist as the other rested on your jaw pulling you deeper into the kiss

-“there ARE CHILDREN HERE OH MY GOD” u heard chan yell distantly

-You couldn’t help but break apart from Minho, laughing as you catch chan covering jeongin’s eyes in distress

-You turned back to Jisung

-“Does that answer your question?”

[slingsendarrows]

Reading “Hunger”

“Every body has a story and a history.”

I bought “Hunger” by Roxane Gay at a Chapters bookstore in Victoria, BC. It was December 2018, and I was spending the weekend with my current fuck buddy. I remember reading the first couple of chapters while he attended to a client he was training. I was immediately uncomfortable--she speaks so openly about hunger in a naked way. Hunger, not only for food but for other things we use food to fulfill. Living in a body I also have considered unruly since I was thirteen it was comforting to know someone I admire is also a fucking mess. I felt better and horrible knowing I was not alone in despising my fatness in this age of body positivity.

Living in our bodies as women often feels hopeless. We want to fit in and be seen for who we are. We want to have greater social currency beyond our clothing size, but the world constantly reminds us it is highly unlikely. Our families “lovingly” prod us to lose the excess weight dreading our dwindling prospects as our girths expand. I am not even at Roxane Gay’s level of fatness ,but I constantly will myself to disappear. I wear clothes that hide my pudgy belly and berate my thunder thighs.

I haven’t been able to workout during the two months of our covid-19 induced lockdown. This has led to crushing anxiety and a hunger for safety and comfort. I have long turned to food for that salve.

It is difficult to remember a time when I did not eat to simply feel better, expend boredom, channel frustration, reduce anxiety, and/or punish my lack of willpower.

“Hunger” doesn’t offer a solution. It is unvarnished truth about the realities of being fat in a society that is unwilling to understand the why of the unruly body. A society wishing fatness simply removed from its sight. We celebrate when people significantly reduce their size and a create narrative that weight loss inherently equals a better life beIt. You will be healthier, wealthier, loveable, and by extension, acceptable. And god forbid you are accepting of your body, dare of be happy and ARE successful? That is an outcome the world will not abide.

“My sad stories will always be there. I am going to keep telling them even though I hate having stories to tell. These sad stories will always weigh on me, though that burden lessens the more I realize who I am and what I am worth.”

The truth is: I don’t want to be fat. I like how I feel when I am thinner. I like the confidence and can even tolerate shopping. I like the desire and attention of men’s lust. I enjoy the feeling of admiration. Does it bother me that men who would never look at me twice are suddenly ravenous when I am 20lbs lighter? Of course. But what can I do? Fight the tide of patriarchy, misogyny and sexism? Some days I will rail. Some days I am tired. Most days it is a losing battle. How can I can seek to change the world? I can’t even change the way I feel about myself.

To me, my self-worth and my happiness are inextricably intertwined with the size of my body. Even with stretch marks and scars, I know I will be happier smaller. So I will always fight to achieve that goal. I have no idea what it looks like. I thought I was getting close last June but loneliness, isolation and desperate attachment resulted in a 25lbs gain over seven months.

Today I started yet another “meal plan” to get my hunger under control yet again. The latest strategy is trying not to be perfect, using the guide to eat when I physically feel hunger and prioritizing making healthy food choices above strictly adhering to the container/measuring system.

The one take away from reading this book is: 1. I am not alone. 2. Talking about the real nature of living in my body, if only to myself, is necessary even if there is no foreseeable solution or hope that things may ever be different.  

Chapter 74 is painfully familiar:

Part of the reason relationships and friendships can be so difficult for me is because there is a part of me that thinks I have to get things right. I have to say the right things and do the right things or I won’t be liked or loved anymore. It’s stressful, so then I engage in an elaborate attempt at being the best friend or girlfriend and get further and further away from who I really am, someone with a good heart, but also someone who may not always get things right. I find myself apologizing for thins I shouldn’t be apologizing for. I find myself apologizing for who I am.

And even when I am with good, kind, loving people, I don’t trust that goodness, kindness, or love. I worry that sooner and later, they will make my losing weight a condition of their continued affection. That fear makes me try harder to get things right, as if I am hedging my bets.

All of this makes me very hard on myself, very driven. I just keep working and working and working and trying to be right, and I lose sight of who I am or what I want, which leaves me in a less ideal place. It leaves me...nowhere.

With age comes self-awareness or something that looks like self-awareness, and so I try to be on the lookout for patterns of behavior, choices I’m making where I am trying too hard, giving too much, reaching too intently for being right is what someone else wants me to be. It’s scary, though, trying to be yourself and hoping yourself is enough. It’s scary believing that you, as you are, could ever be enough.

There is an anxiety in being yourself, though. There is the haunting questions of “What if?” always lingering. What if who I am will never be enough? What if I will never be right enough for someone?

This is how I feel most hours of the day. Am I enough? If I refuse a favor, neglect to offer, or stay in bed all day, will I lose love and affection? Will I always feel so easily discarded and disregarded? When will I believe I am enough? When will I let myself be? When will the risk of losing myself overcome the fear of being alone long before I engage in precarious and harmful attachments? I wish I could say this will not be an issue in the future. I wish I could guarantee from now on I will choose my romantic partners deliberately. I wish I can say I will stop depending on another’s desire of me as reason to be romantically involved with them without considering if I want them in return. But there is no guarantees. Hardwired behaviors and self-perceptions are difficult to override. You can overcome society, maybe, but how can you overcome yourself?

“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.”--Maya Angelou

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 2 | “GET ME OUT OF HERE ” - Devon

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which is uploading where i basically talked about dealing with being a winner/the tomb and having an idol/potentially wanting to go to tribal pre-swap/deliberately choosing the puzzle/how much i love jake so that'll come at some point after this but just KNOW that came first. anyway just wanted to talk MORE because i have more thoughts. last round i was really conscious of needing to micro-manage my threat level and i think im putting in work to do that? im very concious that i cant play the same game as montenegro because im coming into it from a very different perspective/position. However, one thing I can do this season is transfer my prejury game, because i think it still works. What I need to do is to some extent take a backseat, where I'm not actively messaging people first, and keeping game talk kinda limited (but acknowledging it when people talk to me). Like I have the safety cushion of my idol, and my connection to jake/jordan, and to some extent dan and lovelis? like im not gonna be a target (touch wood) and hopefully if i am my men tm going to keep an eye out for me.... hopefully? it also means im not gonna be pushy about votes im gonna hear names and run with it (as long as its not jake/jordan, or lovelis tbh i get real good vibes from him). but yeah id really love the beauty tribe to go to tribal this round ive literally never spoken to a single one of them so i'd love one of that tribe that is a complete unknown quantity to go home DJDKLFSF. but yis so im feeling good taking a backseat but im gonna ejector seat myself forwards at some point, just got to figure out when to push the button

Okay so Bodhi left last night and that was really sad. We had nice conversations but i told him that if the rest of the tribe wanted him out i wasn't going to campaign for him. He ended up making his rounds but at the end of the day, no one felt strongly about keeping him. He speaks so well that it took me a night's rest to get my head straight. Also Trace got an alliance together of himself, myself, Scott and Isaac. Bitch i was SHOOK! I am so glad to be likable enough to be brought into someone else's core. So this kind of perfectly positioned myself and Scott between 2 alliances. I believe we're both more loyal to the one we formed before we found out we were going to tribal, but who knows. I did tell Autumn of the news because i figure if we were to lose again. Whichever of Isaac of Trace remains is going to feel on bottom and blow up that Scott and I were two-timing the DADS. Btw that is the dumbest alliance name I have ever been a part of but whatever. The rat pack has also formed and now him and I are in a good spot. I will say that i am nervous that MISS ALYSSA spoke the comparison into existence, but i really hope we don't continue to flop like Luzon did on Cagayan. But hey! If Denise can go to every tribal council in one season and win, maybe i can too. (PS i pissed myself with my score in winterbells but also F*CK WINTERBELLS, thats all, ty) 

Honestly I’m really regretting not participating in this challenge because I feel like our scores are.......not great. I feel like I could have turned out the puzzle and even winterbells. The flag Lovelis made is super cute and i think will fair well bc it’s very clean and neat. It’s not super creative, but it’s definitely well made. I think even if we went to tribal I would be okay though. Liam seems like an easy enough boot for us. No one seems that dazzled by his contributions to the tribe. 

i literally am the biggest clown who ever clowned for continuing to overdo it in challenges, if i'm allowed to make it to merge at this point it will literally be a miracle.

So Bodhi left on a unanimous vote yesterday and I'm glad that it worked out as planned! I definitely felt bad lying to him about it all and stuff, but I think it was the best for the tribe going forward. What does suck however is that we lost AGAIN! And it was actually close this time! I'm actually annoyed that we lost this time because I submitted my challenge at 4PM and the reason why we lost was because the last submission was at 8 :/ like... y'all couldn't get it in any earlier? Plus I'm annoyed because I find myself in the swing position between the DADS and The Rat Pack. Personally I don't trust Trace after finding out he tried to play the Rat Pack off as my idea when it was really his all along. To me, it shows that he'd betray me later on down the line. And the only purpose for "The Rat Pack" is so they feel like they're in the majority. So since we lost, I don't mind voting out Trace. Duncan and I called to confirm that we're on the same page. We also found out that Devon is telling us the same things about loyalty and allegiances and I don't like that. He also told Duncan that he would throw immunities and play idols for him if he needed it, and that Duncan was his number 1 ally. But he said the same exact thing to me. So... that has me a little sketch. But I also think that Autumn/Duncan are a close pair, so I may need to stick close to Devon for the long hall. But if Autumn/Duncan think I'm more with them than Devon, I'll take it. I'm supposed to go on call with the Dads soon. Duncan wants to tell them about the rat alliance so that Isaac doesn't use it as motive to get us out. Which i agree that it'd be a good idea as long as devon/autumn stick with us. Duncan and I both feel like Devon might be thrown off since he always likes to be in control, but not actually being in charge. So we'll need to do damage control when that happens. But for now it seems like Trace is going unless things change. If things go how I would want it to, then Trace leaves tomorrow. 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JKqH3EQMlugIe-lwHMYMG2qoVZ7dvIzr/view?usp=sharing

Omg!!!!! Another win that makes me so happy . The tribe is all getting along great and I couldnt all for better ppl. I'm hoping soon to get some kind of solid group together. Kendell adam and amiry are ppl I def wanna work with long term at the time. Just gotta see what happens. 

Not much has been happening lately so I might be able to keep this short and not ramble on and on like i usually do (ill still end up writing a novel probably) yippy yay it's day 5 and everything is still all smiles and giggles over here because we've won yet another immunity!! kinda boring tbh but obviously im happy we won immunity because now that buys me one more day and at the end of it that's all i care about. I kinda did want the brauns to go to tribal however instead of the brains because i just really would like my beauties to get a nice foot hold and a lead in the game, i actually enjoy taking to some of these people, and im trying my best to talk to as many people as i can, which anyone who knows me knows isn't the easiest thing for me, i was reading some of my old confessionals from both my past games and the one thing i consistently got dragged for was not being as present with people, which granted i did improve a lot on last time around for sure, but i still got work to do and im realizing that more each day when i have no urge whatsoever to talk to anyone (don't worry, it's not you, it's (crippling depression) me! I understand socializing is part of the game and i do think my social game is my strongest asset but to me i like to think of my social game as a more distinct kind, im more elusive and i like to be that, if you leave them wanting more dahling they'll keep you around, i dont like to show all my cards, and that's a quality that i reflect in both survivor and life, and it has advantages and disadvantages in both but ANYWHO despite all that dare i say i think im still doing *decent* ? I'm making it a priority to reach out at least once a day to *most people (AJ, Augusto, Amir, Austin) are the ones ive probably had some of the best conversations with where it was the most natural and just flowed you know, and still is on day 5, and with kendall ive had some talks with her i do like her but idk i get this vibe she's kinda holding back when talking to me, and ESPECIALLY same with connor? we only had one private conversation and he gave me about a 3 word response, and if you havent guessed by now i like elaboration or at least a lil bit of personality when you talk, no shade just an observation, so that's a small red flag im very much a person who matches energy, one of my go to's in survivor is being open to the possibility of anything, ill always work with anyone who will work with me, and i think thats how everyone should play so hopefully the people ive been talking a lot to feel similar but i guess we'll have to wait until a vote of some sort to see about all that.. I still havent heard any idol talk or even game talk quite frankly so im guessing people are just still keeping the friendly facade up..... or ...... is it me?? am i the one on the outs looking like boo boo the fool or is that just my paranoia getting to me??? im not gonna send myself into a tizzy about getting voted out when we're not even going to tribal i- lemme calm down. If i had to guess I'd say Kendall, Connor, or Amir have the idol probably but sounds like a mystery for another day because im DONE im clocking out for the night until other people wanna wake up and play the game too oop final note: ok but it would be sick and twisted if it turns out they are all playing the game just without me and im the first boot of the tribe 

Waking up on this glorious Day 5 with a new perspective. I originally applied to be on the brains tribe and was shook when I got brawn because let’s face it, my arms are akin to overcooked spaghetti noodles. BUT my tribe is so much stronger than the brains. I’m hoping for a big name to go to shake things up. AND I’m not really looking to swap onto a tribe with Trace or Autumn due to our past game history. Love them both dearly, but it’s gonna be a no from me. 

okie so! update from me is i think im doing okay. like i think the benefit of no dua lipa cave is you can just build connections with everyone, you aren't voting someone out every round so why not capitalise on that? i'm so afraid of the fact that i'm overdoing it in challenges like i really need to calm. down. but im reassuring myself with the fact that in the first challenge i only was top because i did like... one more thing than others like its not thattt big of a deal? my puzzle time was clownery but hopefully people don't pay attention to it? im getting very anxious about overdoing it in challenges, but my thought process now is like. i need to act like people have an awareness of it, without getting kinda consumed by my anxiety about it? idk im hoping since most of these people don't know me, they wont notice me doing good in the challenge but truly who can be sure also am really just liking my tribe? like jake is ofc a king, i love jordan (who im gonna talk to later, he is the only one i feel like i have to talk to today), i also really like TJ who i was super harsh on at the start for no reason, i get good ally vibes from lovelis, liam m is super sweet even tho he is kinda inactive and dan is so fun (plus he told jake that he speaks to me one of the most so we love that!!). i've been trying to figure out what i even do about a lot of the super old school players that i have no connection/point of reference with? like people like scott, adam, kendall, aj i have truly no basis with? thats whats so scary about a swap, is at this point in the game i know 10/20 people left aka the brawn tribe + duncan/isaac/autumn, and like 10/20 isnt bad... BUT then the other 10 aka the beauty tribe + trace/scott/devon i have literally no connection to which is super scary JAKSDFA. im just real afraid of a swap. just swap me with jordan/jake/autumn/isaac PLEATHE. im just a pile of anxiety this season idk what to do im like frozen because of how scared i am... maybe it'll be all fine

Well, that was a close one. I struggled with that comp all day and I feel like absolute shit that I only got our team that 1 point. To me, it's inexcusable not to have be able to help my tribe as I wanted to contribute and make sure I made my worth known. So now I'm just this paranoid mess that I would have been in trouble had we gone to tribal. It's been hard to talk to some of these people or for most of those who I do talk to, I just don't really know where there head is at. I'm not sure if this is just a really guarded tribe, or if I really should be concerned. So I don't know what to do just yet. And that's not a feeling I like when playing TS.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty sad that Bodhi left the game like he was so active pre-season so I was expecting him to do his best to go super far and maybe he did? I don’t know, but I did want a chance to actually get to play with him in TS but we keep passing each other by! I hope he is doing good despite how he might feel being the first boot yknow but yeah <3 

The way I absolutely flopped with the idol system stuff is all types of funny and sad at the same time like I REALLY thought I did something only for it to be part of the challenge… That being said, Amir did tell me that he has a theory the idol system might be based on numbers which is interesting! I am super thankful he decided to tell me and we went on this long talk about how we are each other’s #1s which is super cute! I really do trust Amir and I do want to go far with him because he’s awesome but that being said, my #1 is me like I promised myself that I’d be selfish this time around just because being the selfless person I am hasn’t gotten me a win but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. We did go over a lot of stuff in terms of tribe dynamics and we both kinda agreed that AJ would be the first boot from the time if we went to tribal, we like our alliance with Kendall/Connor, we both like Adam and we both think Austin is sweet/genuine even if we don’t talk to him tons so yay for that too <3

I am SO trying to sell the fact that me and Kendall are a duo to Kendall which is funny to me idk hjfkds like she did approach me super early on about aligning but I do have the tiniest feeling she did that to mostly everyone but I’m trying to pin us with each other to her so she trusts me more, especially since I do feel as though she is the best connected on the tribe. I even called us Crystal Cox (me bc blazing speed and challenge flop ofc) and Ken(dell) ghfjdksl, I’m doing the most but yeah, I just want Kendall to see me as her #1 in the game on the off chance anything happens yknow?

Austin thinks I’m his #1 which is really sweet? I do like Austin even if it is hard to talk to him sometimes but hey, that happens. He told me that he’s really glad I’m on this tribe (which I have heard from basically everyone especially Adam and Amir which makes me feel cute omg) and that we might need to get a group going soon. I was like…. Tea but I also don’t know how quickly I want to get an alliance including Austin going just because it’s like… do I reveal that Austin and I are close-ish and be seen as a social threat? That just ain’t cute sis! But yeah, Austin told me he also really likes Kendall and Amir and that’s awesome that the two people I feel the closest to are ALSO doing THAT but at the same time, I want to be the one doing THAT the most because I’m greedy (by Ariana Grande) so it’s something to keep in mind! 

The way I absolutely flopped at that puzzle… this is why I’m a Beauty cause a sis ain’t smart to complete a puzzle and I’m not brawn-y enough to do well in a challenge hgjfdk BUT that being said, Hagthor beat the thots and apiss and I couldn’t be any happier! I do wish Brawn lost over Brain but yknow, you can’t have everything go your way (‘: it’s funny how I slayed the last challenge and flopped this one tho like a bitch really lacks consistency huh ghfjndmks

Ugh fineeeee since I've been called out... by myself. I guess I'll do the bare minimum. So we won immunity!!!! Wooo!!!!!! Low-key though through out the entire process of making the flag, I just kept thinking darn I wish we voted out someone last tribal because drawing 7 people is annoying... watch me get voted out next tribal council lol. That would be quality foreshadowing. Today I have two goals. 1. Figure out what the method of entering the tomb. I intend on getting in contact with Augusto or Connor for that one. Augusto because he is low-key my number one. Connor because I feel if anyone can solve it he probably could. 2. Set up group chat with me, Augusto, and Austin. So Austin can feel a false sense of reassurance and Augusto and I have options. Write more later maybe.

Honestly im feeling kind of trepidatious going forward which is a little wierd, i just dont feel like ive gotten my footing yet in this game. I think like, im in a good spot to be fine on this tribe because of my social game and how I contribute in challenges, but I dont know if I feel good about anything longterm just yet. What really is bothering me is the tomb. Its gonna be round 3 tonight and I haven't made any more progress on getting in than I have night one. I feel like I have a lot of pieces to this puzzle but nothing is fitting together and its bothering me. I'm also a little upset that if we lose, I could see Liam being the target and I can't see my self risking my position to save him if he cant save himself. He has my name on his wiki page its an obvious association to me, and while I think hed be loyal to me, I'm just wondering honestly if him as an ally is worth the target it may bring. Im cautiously moving through the beginning of this game with a lot of unnease and hopefully I find some steady ground soon.

I am annoyed that we are yet again at tribal. I played so fucking hard at winter bells but of course someone on another tribe got like 238593277 billion which threw us back into tribal... So annoying truthfully. But it's alright, I should be able to make it out alive. I want Devon to go home. But I also don't want to let my guard down. This vote is important for a few reasons. The first reason is that our tribe is very close, so I am nervous that lines are going to be drawn in the sand. The second is that, after this vote, we will be down to five, making 3 the majority. We have an alliance of 4, and lord knows that when you are down to 5, whoever feels like 3 and 4 of the alliance are most likely going to try and rope in the 5th person to get rid of each other. So my plan is to make Isaac and Scott BOTH feel as though they are my number 1s so that they actually stick to our alliance of 4 thinking that I will be keeping them both if we lose again. This is the only way that i can see it working, but idk. I feel bad if Devon ends up going because he's a nice guy, but we have to make choices about strengthening our team, and then I have to make a choice about strengthening my place in the game. Hopefully this doesn't come to bite me in the ass.

Things have been going pretty well for my tribe! We won the first immunity challenge and that really seemed to boost tribe morale. Granted, these past couple of days I've been quiet since I'm trying to boost grades that are literally 0s into something manageable before I graduate hehe. I've tried to keep up with people through small conversations, which seems to work better for me at the moment until I get myself together. Adam wants to create an alliance with Augusto and Amir, which I'm totally for. I understand, though, that he doesn't wanna do it immediately since there's really no urgency to? We didn't go to tribal, so why did it matter! That excuse aside, I do hope that us holding our breath to say something doesn't bite us in the ass because these are people I want to work with! I wanna get something going with Kendall as well hopefully, since I adore her! Earlier, I stated that Adam and I (Adam, really) found our way into the tomb and both flopped in the questions. Adam took another stab at it and found out we've been bamboozled! Someone beat us to the punch and has whatever contents were inside the tomb. I'm assuming it was an idol, but who knows what else is in there! It kinda made me lose motivation to keep searching inside but when in Rome? I'll probably end up trying again despite knowing the end result just because I wanna prove I can be a smart cookie as well. I also didn't gloss over this but I'll mention it really quickly, but I'm sad Bodhi went! He was one of the few people I was familiar with on the other tribes so it's unfortunate we aren't going to be able to connect with each other this game. A king has fallen. In lighter and more recents events, my tribe crushed the second immunity challenge. Kendall stunned with her artistry and I'm still gushing over how cute everyone's character was. I kinda like decimated Winterbells, but I've always been good at the game, and Amir did really well in the scavenger hunt. Augusto and Austin did really well in the puzzle also, despite their lack of confidence in offering a strong performance. We appear to be THEE tribe to beat honestly and I'm loving that. I love our tribe! I LOVE OUR TRIBE! It really would be a tragedy if we aren't able to keep up this win streak we're manifesting. 

Sorry for not writing this sooner! Been having a bad depressive episode for the last couple days and it makes me unmotivated to write c': I feel like a flop so far in this game, not because I submit shit scores, but because I find it exhausting to connect with some of these people. They're all very nice in their own special ways, but interacting w some is like pulling teeth, and I guarantee they feel the same about me, which I would expect. That being said, I hope we keep winning, cause I don't have the energy to go to tribal right now.

Heading into a second tribal council, there is becoming less and less room to hide. I am struggling to hold my own against the other tribes when it comes to competitions, but thank goodness it's a numbers game. If everything goes accordingly, I am taking a backseat this vote and allowing a 4-2 vote out when it comes to Trace. I appreciated Duncan coming to me with the alliance chat information with him/Scott/Trace/Isaac, but didn't like how Autumn needed to tell me first. Shows that I really can't trust Scott/Duncan after a swap comes up. In regards to Scott, he outright didn't say anything. I like him and all, but it was a slimy move to say the least. He only said something because he HAD to vote out someone in one of his two alliances. This group will be dumb as hell if they let me swap. I'll flip on them as soon as possible and invite anyone into my alliance. The tribe swap is where I made my 'Slithers' game infamous last time, so I'm hoping for a similar output. Don't forget: I swapped with the minority last time in Guyana (shout out to Jess), so I'm not worried about the numbers and how its split. ALL I NEED IS A SWAP OR TWIST. GET ME OUT OF HERE. 

Thank God we won that based on the tiebreaker, but yikes I didn't think my flag would've tanked so hard. Guess I've gotta get better at perfecting my craft huh, but at least we're safe. I feel nervous on this tribe to be honest, because I think I'm the second to bottom on the totem pole after the other Liam, so it isn't reassuring that if we lose twice I'll either be gone, or I could even be gone at our first tribal if he's got a solid alliance going...the only alliance I have right now is with Jordan and I don't really know where I sit with everyone else, but I'm afraid of overplaying... ugh so annoying! I think I just need to force a couple of game related conversations with people to build up some trust, just hope it wouldn't paint a target on my back for trying I guess...

oh gorl, some of these people on my tribe really think im just the clown of the tribe and cant put two and two together, well guess what, IM NOT. So Amir messages me, which nothing out of the ordinary there, ive been talking to him every day so far for the most part like i said we're a little familiar with each other from our pasts, but i was VERY surprised today at what had happened... what had happened was....he starts talking the smallest bit of game with me, basically he just said, "is it me or is everyone really quiet here?" and so i just agreed with him and i said yeah i dont think people are talking game yet which is a little weird, and then i threw the TINEST tea crumpet out there and i said "yeah ive talked to some people so easily like you, but then there's others who.....i cant say the same for" and i was absolutely hinting at connor/kendall just because i havent had the longest convos with them, which no biggie, but THEN about 20 minutes later i get a message from CONNOR of all people saying "hey adam!" ..... obviously im glad to talk to him and im all for getting to know everyone, but my instincts immediately went off and told me it's a little sus....how not even a few minutes ago i was saying how some people never talk to me and then out of no where the one person i was mainly talking about messages me?? Coincidences don't exist in survivor. Now I really have no choice but to think that amir in someway mentioned to connor that i said theres some people i havent talked to at all and that he probably needed to work on that.. which is true, but cmon. i know the tribe brain cell is missing but at least put a little thought into this and message me later tonight or not right after i say it?? I'm not sure if they have any type of past connection and while I definitely do wanna keep building my relationship with Amir, this will definitely make me question him a little bit at least until i see how some votes fall when we eventually go to tribal. Amir also told me he's had the most convos with Augusto, which is funny because thats exactly how both me and aj feel about augusto, which tells me augusto is really playing the game rn, and while thats someone i want to work with, it's also someone i need to be extremely careful with if we're still playing together down the road. plot twist: connor messaging me has absolutely nothing to do with amir and i just made this whole conspiracy for nothing but idk.... it's a conspiracy IM interested in.

***last add on because i forgot to say how the hell im gonna HANDLE this amir/connor situation... im keeping my eyes on it incase theyre in kahoots and also if they think im that dumb then clearly they havent watched me play before, which is great for me but bad for them, you cant trick a trickster try all you want, There's nothing I love more than being underestimated in survivor because it kinda makes it a little easier to play and gives me more options, so sure ill keep up my fake smiles and act like we're all fine and dandy, ill play dumb and wont even act like im onto them but i absolutely am and ill be ready to make my move the second it seems right 

Ugh I feel so DIRTY. I feel so GROSS. Poor Devon, truly. I spoke with Autumn and told her about Devon, and she was in without a fight and told me that it should be 5-1. And then Devon came to me and was like... we all good for the vote tonight? And I'm like ................yes? Lol. I'm good, you're probably not. ugh, this is the part of this game that I hate. I want to never lose immunity ever again, let someone else break someone else's heart!

Something about Kendall is so chaotic and terrifying and I can’t put a finger on why.her aligning was her talking to me for the first time in a day saying “let’s align” and created an alliance chat without even asking who else should be in it which leads me to believe her Augusto and Connor already have a trio and I was the 4th. Are all these focking people playing me?? Like i still cant tell if this is a real alliance but i want to believe it is and not a bluff to vote me out. But also like why even do that, the only person on this cast that I trust and have played with, bodhi, has just been voted out. I’m a free agent and I can help that alliance make it far in the game, but they also have lots of relationships on other tribes so like I might not even be that valuable to them. I mentioned to Augusto about the numbers on the blog, hoping to create more trust because I really really love him and want to trust him but I’m still just so damn unsure. if we lose this immunity and I get one bad signal from any of those 3, if they slip up even once, I won’t hesitate to align and gather the minority. But if they are playing me properly, then kudos to them! 

I am just happy i have the idol i am going to put it in my ass. 

me when the brains tribe only has 5 members left http://prntscr.com/s8y76g

You know what? https://66.media.tumblr.com/b7b4accba586ad321141b6ba80d69044/tumblr_omule3fwZC1w1swfno1_250.gifv I'm mad but I'm not tight because that same alliance that Duncan and I orchestrated is the same alliance that will get us through. So do I enjoy going to tribal? No. And do I enjoy knowing that Trace created an alliance w/ everyone except me and Devon? No. But the Dads will prevail and I trust Scott and the gang. I mean Ducnan is family so as long as we don't go it's fine. But Devon is my baby so absolutely gotta kill for him. That's what keep em close hahaha But no the Trace vote is a dream come true that I only crossed my mind once and STILL got manifested. Like Duncan suggested it and I said you got it because Trace will be the FIRST to rally all the white boys against me in a swap. Cute or not, Trace will kill me I'm convinced. Like something in my spirit told me not to trust Trace and low and behold: Duncan reveals that alliance to me on Day 3. So confirmed, Trace is leaving so that I don't fall to the bottom of the tribe. But it's all good- Isaac listens to Fleetwood Mac and watches Schitt's Creek so he's a good guy. And Scott is literally a cinammon roll who's too busy to snitch or flip. I don't have time to discuss how much I love Duncan or Devon so we're tabling that. Anyway If y'all need me I'll be doing this 4 part immunity challenge that determines whether I make Final 3 in the other org I'm in so try not to need me lmao

okay so... we aren't going to tribal but its still kinda messy on brawn beach. i kinda have felt this energy for a while, but i don't think jake and jordan have enough trust between the two of them for us to be a continual three person alliance. jake is a very reactive, gut-impulse kind of player which is honestly to his benefit since he is super perceptive. however that also means he is quick to be anxious about stuff in the game, which is the same as me and that is why we click. BUT. he thinks something is up with dan/jordan and honestly i see that and feel it. jordan keeps hinting at dan being the one to loop in and i think that does say something about them having some sort of game dynamic. however, jordan is maybe downplaying that relationship which is scary KLAF tbh i still like jordan and wanna work with him, but i do 100% have to keep tabs on him, his social connections could definitely become a problem if he has other priorities over me! so i think i just have to make sure im a continuing priority for him, so i have to find some sort of information to bring to him (maybe when dan proposes the alliance of me/jordan/jake/dan to me ill run to jordan and be like hey did dan suggest this to you how do you feel) to solidify that sort of trust? idk... i want my j-men to stick together and they ARENT. maybe i need to solidify stuff with TJ specifically more, he gives good ally vibes? but ya... its a mess tm

[jobethdalloway]

okay i finished stranger things 2

who wants to talk? (spoilers below, obvs, in a long-ass rant)

-winona ryder gave me all the feels. feelings i didn’t even know i had. feelings i have not accessed in a long time. she also accomplished the truly incredible, which was to dramatically shout the name “bob” in a way that didn’t make me laugh about the name bob. (this is a universal thing, right? i mean, it’s why they named him bob. bob is such a silly name.)

-speaking of which, this was me when i realized bob wasn’t going to make it:

bob you were so pure. you were too good. that’s why you had to die, i guess. RIP barb ‘n’ bob

-but honestly, why did he stop when he saw joyce?!? his fight or flight should’ve had him running out that door and grabbing her with him. he shouldn’t have had to die

-also why didn’t the doc die? why was he just like, lightly mauled? why did they not devour him too? why was he allowed to live? was that just a total plot contrivance??

-millie bobby brown continues to crush it. i mean, ALL the kids are amazing but she truly does something special. i think it’s something to do with the fact that she’s playing a girl i’ve never really seen before. a kid who doesn’t know what it’s like to interact with other kids. that shows in really minute ways. off the top of my head (since it was the last episode) the bit where dustin shows her his new teeth and does his little “sexy” purr thing, it cuts to her quietly baffled look. She does that kind of thing a lot - these very understated reactions where i think another kid (or a different director) might’ve gone for something more exaggerated 

-so much body horror this time around. will being possessed by the shadow monster fundamentally disturbed me. his spasming after the vines got set on fire was also deeply disturbing. sean astin being devoured i could kind of handle seeing (despite my devastation) bc those cgi things aren’t real but Will twitching and screaming and crying was very very real and that little boy deserves all the awards

-also on the body horror note: holy shit, 11′s mom. that was so horrifying. 

-that scene where joyce and mike are sharing memories with will in the shed? i cried. also someone else was there i think?? hmm that brings me to

-jonathan, who i have not forgiven. So many people I know irl watch/love this show, and yet I seem to be the only one upset by the fact that he photographed nancy while she was undressing - without her knowledge - and it’s never addressed?? strike that, it’s addressed when steve broke his camera in retaliation - but we’re supposed to feel bad for jonathan and be angry at steve??? bc boo hoo jonathan’s the town weirdo nobody understandz (*cough* duffer brother stand-in *cough*) and steve’s just a big ole jock meanie

-i mean i get that they redeem steve - back in s1!!!!! - and i loved him in this season. i do wish he’d told dustin to cool it a bit when he was being mean to max but other than that i loved him. i liked that he still pines for nancy but wasn’t a jerk about it

-I was hoping tomboy Max would like girls but wasn’t counting on it, and then I was pleasantly surprised by how much I liked her and Lucas. That talk they had on top of the school bus really got me, idk what to tell ya

-didn’t love the whole Billy red herring thing. I kept expecting him to be like ... idk a vampire or something ridiculous but he was just a really abusive guy. And while of course that’s something to consider exploring, I think they pushed the mystery of it way too hard. Way too hard. 

-that said, max saving steve/the boys from him was nice

-11′s makeover was SO BADASS. i loved it. her outfit was sick. I knew it’d never happen but i really really really wanted her to show up to the winter dance in a suit. that would’ve been so kickass and she would’ve rocked it. 

-look, I get it, like I understand why 11 would be sensitive about Max being part of the gang. But it still killed me a little inside when 11 wouldn’t shake her hand when they met, or say a word to her. I reassured myself by assuming we’d see them be friends in the resolution BUT NOPE. That really kinda stung. This show is dodgy enough with its treatment of women; it didn’t need to add that “jealous female” thing into it. At least, not to stay. I really wanted to see them being cool together. >1 girl at a time.

-I guess we kind of got that with Kali! Who I sort of thought would somehow show up in the finale until I realized she had no idea where 11 came from. I was p conflicted about that whole episode. I think learning to channel anger and validating it can be important, and I liked the sweet moments they shared (brief as they were) and as I said obvs I loved the makeover. But when 11 couldn’t bring herself to let their target be harmed, my first thought was “oh bby ur so pure and I love you, sweetheart, please don’t change <3333.” My next thought was “oh shit this is lowkey racist isn’t it” bc I thought of that scene in the newest season of OITNB where alex vause is human and doesn’t want to watch the guards get cavity-searched while Ruiz is all like AAAAYYYYYYYY YES LET’S BE INHUMAAAAAANE!!!!!

-also what was with Funshine calling 11 “miss jane”? did that give anyone else serious antebellum vibes???

-while that guy did in fact have a sick mohawk, wouldn’t that be kind of an incriminating hairdo? it’s not like a mask or a hood could hide it

-to be fair that episode had my favorite exchange of the season: “why do you want to go back there? they can’t save you.” “no. but i can save them.” 11 being a hero is everything.

-incredible soundtrack

-and of course, so compelling as to be binged. despite being so derivative

-my brother likes to eat 3 musketeers bars by eating the chocolate off and then eating the nougat. dustin reminded me of him.

-POOR MEWS UGH. MEWS. </3

WAYS YOU COULD TELL THIS SHOW WAS WRITTEN BY NERD DUDES (mostly in the finale)

-nancy telling dustin that girls his age suck and one day they’ll be dying to be his date. Look, dustin crying at the dance bc no one wanted to be his partner was heartbreaking. It legit got me. And I was so happy when nancy went over to dance with him. but she didn’t need to be written to throw other girls under the bus

-the Bored Housewife is sexually aroused by Teenage Bad Boy = LOLOLOL!!!! i don’t think i need to elaborate here

-11 showing up in a dress and mike calling her beautiful

-idk why but i just really didn’t want them to be, like, a romantic thing. i was thrown off when mike kissed her in s1 (they were even littler then, little bbys). idk i guess i just really wanted them to be a thing that showed boys and girls could be really good friends. i love 11 and i love mike but them as a thing idk it just kinda irks me

-max using “stalker” as a term of endearment for lucas

-mike hating on max was also very frustrating, as was the implication that lucas and dustin only wanted to befriend her bc they Like Liked her. I get that this all probably feels representative of the 8th grade boy mindset, but can’t we change that? i mean i guess mike eventually has to come to accept her since she saves them from billy and drives them, but seeing/hearing an affirmation of it would’ve been great - instead of just, “we already had a girl and she’s gone and i hate you bc you’re not her, Other Female”

-again, sorry, i have not forgiven how they wrote jonathan. i’d be on board with him if he hadn’t shot those creepy pictures of nancy - which again, she is way WAY too cool about. Also that perverted “journalist” creep? Wtf? giving teenagers vodka and then telling them to have sex?? wtf? So gross. Hated that. Hated them getting together. Gross. So awful. I’m not saying she like has to be with steve but again, but could she just not be with the pervert who violated her privacy? thnx

-no consideration at all for 11 and max being friends. I knowwww the bechdel test isn’t the end-all/be-all for Feminism in movies, but I think a lot of people subconsciously give this show a pass bc it has some great girls/women in it - all white, of course (Kali’s figuring in is complicated; see above). It’s like the slew of hollywood heroines like Rey, the Rogue One lady, Wonder Woman, and so on - give ‘em one Strong Female Character and BOOM!FEMINISM. But it’s like, joyce & a bunch of the boys. Nancy & multiple dudes. 11 & her guy friends bc SHES NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS. max & the guys while 11 was away. It’s not that the women/girls never interact on the show, it’s just that they rarely do in a meaningful way (perhaps another positive takeaway from “the lost sister”)

[rontra]

Hey Rontra. Sorry is this is too personal, but I was recently diagnosed with autism (high functioning) and even though it didn't tell me anything new per se, I've been trying to wrap my mind around it. Do you have any tips for getting through the transition period?

Hi there friend!Omg yeah getting th diagnosis can be super weird even if it’s not necessarily new information, I totally get what you mean lmao

Even tho it’s personal I don’t rly mind talking about it at all; just remember that this is a suuuuper individual experience and you might not relate to my thoughts on it at all–and that’s okay! I’m happy that you decided to ask for advice, but if mine doesn’t apply to you, that’s okay–and I’m sure there’s other posts out there that can add to this you might relate to more (but I’m on mobile so sadly can’t help much there djfhshs sorry). This kind of advice is hard because everyone’s so different xD ahhhhSpoilers: my tips are very mushy and sentimental ;9

But this DID get long so I’m gonna cut the post fbdbdhdhhs I’m very chatty ;v;

So for context’s sake: I was also diagnosed with autism relatively recently–at 20 years old (am 21 now). While I don’t know how old you are, I’ll assume that you’re an adult or close to it as well–which to me made the diagnosis feel really weird and time-displaced! Like I wasn’t “supposed” to be diagnosed so late, bc it’s “supposed” to be noticed in childhood and thus I’m somehow not “allowed” to relate with other autistic people (obviously, that’s not a correct line of thinking). I felt like, even though it totally makes sense and it’s def the appropriate diagnosis for me, it was weird–definitely difficult to sort of keep up and get my head around it. Everything in hindsight of my life makes 100% sense through this lens, and yet, it felt surreal. Not WRONG; but it was complex.

I think a lot of that stemmed from those two decades of suppressing the traits associated with my autism; things like downplaying or ignoring hypo- and hypersensitive sensory experiences, actively suppressing stims, and expending 90% of my day-to-day energy on just trying to slip “under the radar” in social interaction(let alone do well at it, God forbid). It wasn’t something I did out of conscious self loathing or anything like that; I actually assumed everyone grew up this way, and the world was just supposed to be a fuckin incomprehensible mess of unpleasant sounds and obscure subliminal social cues that people drop just for fun and sometimes things just swirl together into a big mess and you can’t focus and you can’t talk and this is just how the world IS. That we all grow up feeling like aliens and we’re all just pretending. That specific feeling wore off as I grew older and more prone to feeling directly isolated (so now IM the only alien), but the idea that “the world just Is Like This” stuck. It was HUGE to me when I realized that neurotypical people don’t usually relate to that mess. And, more importantly, that all this time-and-energy-consuming self-discipline was suddenly unnecessary, because those things had a reason and they had a meaning and they were mine. That’s weird. It’s good but it’s weird. To take in that those things have patterns and explanations and other people feel them too is overwhelming and beautiful and weird.

It’s weird as hell to feel like some kind of spy in a foreign country trying to blend in with a culture you don’t understand for 20 years, or some kinda alien, an animal in a cage doing tricks for a faceless crowd, only to have that moment where–it’s OKAY and things MAKE SENSE. It’s mine and it’s good and i don’t have to work so hard to be “like them” because I’m not. I can’t be.

I can’t be! Even when people call me (and you) things like “high functioning” it’s measuring my ability to be “like them”–which is something I can’t be. It’s measuring how I function compared to a neurotypical person, and it feels moot, because I’m NOT. It’s a measure of how good I am at pretending to be neurotypical. And guess what: after 20 years, I’m pretty damn good at it! :p

It makes sense, but it’s scary. Because I can finally get to know me, the autistic person–the person I’ve been subconsciously smothering for 20 years. That’s scary, and exciting, and comforting, all at once.

So after all that rambling, here’s one tip: lean into that. Hard. Indulge in something that makes you go “wow, this is pretty autistic” (whatever that might entail for YOU; I get really into obnoxiously elaborate organization systems for my hobby supplies, as one example) and just…let yourself enjoy it. Try a bunch of stim toys if you haven’t had the chance. Find a friend who has an hour or five to spare and tell them about your special interest, if you have one. Explore how you feel when you’re treating yourself to this kind of thing. Feel it all the way through. Take your time to get to know it.

I didn’t really go out and do research and look up more than I already knew–I focused way more on what I was feeling and how this new set of facts interwove with that, that it all made sense and for the first time I was in control of that and could indulge it consciously in a very pleasant way. I am more at peace than I have been in a long time because I’m expending less energy suppressing myself, while simultaneously spending more time being gentle to myself and indulging those autistic traits to bring an overall soothing. I think reviewing your own history and figuring out what makes your autism tick is super helpful in making you comfortable with it–finding what things appeal to you and utilizing those tools fully with the “armor” of your diagnosis. Before, I was often worried because “other people don’t do this” or “doing that is weird”–now, I do these things (stimming, accommodating for my sensory needs, etc) without feeling as bashful about it, because I know now that this is part of my experience with autism. I have that word, I have this diagnosis, and I can use that as my shield against those 20 years of pressure and shame. And if someone thinks my stim or my avoidance of certain touch IS weird–well, that’s their problem, lmfao. I spent 20 years suffering; I’m going to take full advantage of this new flourishing beauty.

To me, this experience isn’t about learning something new (as you said; it’s not new information)–but leaning into it and embracing what was there from the start. If you’re like me and have spent most of your life suppressing these things, indulging them may help you transition through the “whoa” into the “this is good” :p leaning into it HARD was def one of the best things I did hahahaha

another thing I did a lot was just reflection–I’ve spent a lot of time going over my own behaviors, reflecting on the past through this new lens, that kind of thing. I’ve been exploring my own mindset and how my brain works all over again, and connecting the dots to my diagnosis like some huge constellation chart, and it’s one of the most soothing things I’ve ever done. Maybe it’s because I’m big on organization :p Just kind of training myself to apply this new sexy word to it was important to me. To be able to say “oh, I do this thing because autism” or “hey I’m autistic too” and use these terms in a real way helped make the diagnosis and how it applies to me “real” to me as well.

People (neurotypical people, that is) talk to me about “acceptance” and “coming to terms with” and such–and they’re saying the right words but they don’t mean the right thing. They say it like I feel bad about autism. They’re saying it like autism is bad. It’s not. This wasn’t a difficult diagnosis to get–its not really one i struggled to cope with receiving. But they’re right that it is about acceptance, and it is about coming to terms–it’s just a far gentler thing with a different emotional starting point. I was learning from scratch how to take care of myself, with a whole new box of tools and terms to help me; it was flourishing, it was thriving. It was not a scary new disease or some threatening Autism $peaks rhetoric; it was merely understanding, and accepting, and giving myself positive things I’ve been keeping away for too many years.

Step 1 to managing my difficulties is understanding them. Step 2 is being kind.

Upon receiving this diagnosis, things may simply seem to make a lot of sense. Maybe you don’t really feel like it’s a “big deal” the way people around you seem to. It might just be that perfect moment when a puzzle piece clicks into place and it was always meant to be there. That dissonance between other people’s behavior and how you feel might be confusing too (I had this!).

Now, you probably understand things in a new light. It’s a good thing to become closer with yourself. Be nice to yourself and explore your experience of the world with a new light–you don’t necessarily have to do anything huge with that new info, but acknowledging it and naming its root and learning to use it to be kind to yourself in the future is cool. Don’t pretend like it isn’t there; name it, in your head, when you notice a trait in yourself that stems from it. Let yourself know what those things are and what they come from, and make adjustments where necessary to accommodate them. Be kind to yourself and don’t worry.

It’s good. You are good. You have always been good. Thank you.

[anything-advice-blog]

[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn