#not doing 90s polls fuck that

[nintendont2502]

i love seeing any poll on pronunciation that uses the pronunciation of other words as reference. tumblr users learn what accents are challenge /lh

[ferberus-skull]

HATCHLIGN SKINS?!?!?!???!

[toytulini]

. ranty hater posting leave me to old man yell at clouds in peace

[deadly-vuu]

also SAILOR FUCKIN MOON???, samurai champloo (IT COUNTS, SHUT UP), ghost in the shell, MF GUNDAM!!!???, WHERE. IS. TRIGUN?, evangelion!!, FUCKIN BLOOD+?? WHERE IS IT?, DRRR (durarara!!), as well as FLCL and cowboy bebop! HOW were these excellent shows forgotten? they're so good!!!

[pixlerelish]

I might actually have some free time soon, and I have a four day weekend next week. Trying to motivate myself not to waste it.

[bookshelfdreams]

In case you're wondering what the fuck is going on in Germany today:

After our government imploded last week, current vice chancellor Robert Habeck (Greens) was the first to announce that he is going to run for chancellor in the upcoming election. He did this with a picture in which he was seen wearing a bracelet that spelt out "Kanzler-Era". He then proceeded to properly announce his candidacy in a video, filmed on a set designed to look like my mum's kitchen in the 90s, where he said, and I quote,

"I am ready to offer my experience, my strength, and my responsibility. As chancellor, if you'll have me."

He also encouraged people to invite him into their homes so he could listen to their problems. His party is currently polling around 10-12% btw. Ambitious to the point of delusion, but mad respect. Just look at him.

The title translates to "My application as a candidate for the people in Germany". The Greens are always so goddamn earnest, you just gotta love them.

So anyway, this prompted a random dude from the Cologne CDU (that's the conservative party) named Gundolf (no, really) to post on twitter that, should the Greens win, we should "inofficially" rethink women's right to vote. He also called Habeck a "political marriage swindler".

German twitter, predictably, replied with a very well-deserved "The FUCK, bro".

Then, Gundolf goes on an absolutely unhinged rant about how, actually, historically women weren't discriminated against because they were "rightfully" considered more emotional and fragile, and also, women's suffrage was a result of higher literacy rates (???), and ALSO, have you, the reader, considered that Robert Habeck is the true misogynist here because he presents himself as emotionally available in a clear effort to manipulate the girlies??? With his good looks and political competency and raw sexual appeal. NOT GUNDOLF of course. HE is immune to all that. He's just concerned for women and their fragile little brains.

(Okay, I may have exaggerated that last part a little but that's the vibes. Gundolf, do you want to tell us something?)

Anyway, that's the party who will most likely head our government next year 🙃

[prokopetz]

I'm not gonna claim that most Tumblr polls are anything like rigorously structured, but I've seen a lot of folks rather smugly asserting that having a "not applicable" option that ends up dominating all other responses is evidence that the person who created the poll is incompetent, and y'all: under the specific circumstances in which these polls are constructed and distributed, that outcome is evidence of good poll design, not bad poll design. Yes, even when the "not applicable" responses outnumber all other responses ten to one. There are several reasons for that:

At the time of this posting, Tumblr polls have no "see response" button. The only ways to see a poll's distribution of responses are to wait for the poll to conclude, or to respond yourself – and not only are people on social media typically curious and impatient, many of them also know that there's no way they'll remember to check back later once the poll has concluded, so in practice, their opportunity to see the results is now or never. Adding a little note to the poll insisting that people who aren't part of the targeted demographic should refrain from voting isn't necessarily going to restrain that impulse. Indeed, it may end up encouraging folks who otherwise wouldn't have picked a random result-revealing response to do so, because fuck you, don't tell me what to do.

Many respondents genuinely won't realise they're not part of the targeted demographic until after they've voted. It doesn't matter how much text you add to contextualise the poll, because they'll read the poll first, and if they read the accompanying text at all, it's only after they've responded. Heck, a lot of folks don't even bother to read the question before responding to a poll; they just start going down the options and reflexively click the first one that seems like it might apply to them, then go back and read what was actually being asked (and complain in the notes if it turns out that they misunderstood). Even a well-meaning person can only comply with instructions they've actually read; for those folks, clicking the "not applicable" option is what compliance looks like.

Even folks who do fit your poll's targeted demographic can fall prey to the imp of the perverse. Giving the most accurate response rather than the most entertaining one can be a real struggle for a lot of folks; in scientific analysis of polling data, this is known as the "mischievous responder bias". In an informal setting like Tumblr, it's reasonable to suppose that the mischievous responder effect might be exaggerated compared to polls conducted in more formal contexts, and a well-designed poll is going to take that into account. A humorous "not applicable" option provides an escape by affording folks the freedom to screw around with the knowledge that they're not polluting useful data by doing so; in practice, the "I am a toaster" option is a mischievous response filter.

What this adds up to is that a poll where 90% of the responses hit the "not applicable" button is more likely to have yielded useful data than a poll with a narrow target audience where some unknown percentage of the responses represent folks not reading the instructions, clicking random options to see the results, and/or taking the piss.

[cringe-control]

Skyward Sword guardians for sure imo

This isn't a question of 'how likely you are to run into them' which really leaves the question of if it's on the monsters home turf or if you just got randomly locked in a room with them.

If I'm locked in a room with them the order goes 1: SS guardians 2: everything else tied. Redeads, dead hand, and gloom hands are all just going to kill me. Which sucks but at least it's over fairly quickly. On the other hand, the guardians won't kill me. There's a bunch of people who discount them because of that, and think they aren't even on the same threat level as the other three, and you know what? They're right! SS guardians are worse! Because they won't kill you. Just keep you trapped and tormented and constantly on edge until you either escape them (unlikely at best but more probably impossible in an irl scenario, at least for me. I do not have the kind of mental or physical endurance the silent realms require.) or die naturally, if you even can! Them hitting you is described as 'shattering your spirit' and plays the death animation, so I have to assume that it feels like you're dying even if you technically aren't - so really in a situation where I was trapped in a room with them the question would become would you rather die or be stuck in a death loop for eternity or, maybe, if the goddess designed it mercifully, until your heart gives out from the stress and anxiety of repeated deaths and chases? (I suppose its also worth mentioning that in a sufficiently tall room with like, brick walls or anything else I could get a grip on, that Gloom Hands drop to the bottom of the list. Dead hand and redeads would just wait me out, but there would be a solid chance of survival against the gloom hands if I could get up out of their reach since they give up so quickly) If I was in their natural habitat the places line out a bit - 1: SS Guardian - For the reasons stated above - theres pretty much no chance I complete the trial and I don't want to be stuck in a death loop forever 2: Dead Hand - By the time I realized I've encountered it its probably too late to escape and its just going to kill me 3: Redead - Slow moving and usually visible from a distance. It would be absolutely nerve wracking but I'd probably manage to slip past them and escape in most scenarios. It really would depend on the layout of the (presumably cave or catacomb-esk) area I encountered them in, as if the tunnels are narrow enough that you had to go within grabbing distance to duck past the redead to escape then that could pose a significant danger. and 4: Gloom Hands - Pretty much everywhere they spawn in game, or would spawn irl, has Someplace you could climb and wait them out. A wall, a building, a tree, a sufficiently steep hill - it's pretty easy to get out of range and wait these guys out! They're creepy as hell sure, but I genuinely think they pose the least danger to me out of this list.

The sequel:

First poll here <-

[mischiefwife]

Hey, think twice before supporting the BG3 Stardew mod.

Saw this nice looking Stardew Valley mod with BG3 characters, pretty quickly knew something was off when you see Halsin/Astarion/Rolan front and center with no mention of Wyll at all.

Then we get this whopper of a cry post, maybe suggesting they can't be anti-black because they're not white? They can't show misogyny cause they're women? They can't be blamed at all because they're just polling their PATREON votes? Fucking do better. Can't even hide behind the usual excuse that it's a free fanwork, it's not.

Fandom's got a racism and misogyny problem. Step up and draw the line with these creators crying victim when asked 'where's Wyll?' (And yes I checked, the replies are 90% positive and 10% where's Wyll, where's the women) when you've already fully developed your random minor npc first. Team members being made uncomfortable translates to being called out for contributing to a lil' racism.

The misogyny hydra and the racism in fandom runs deep i know, but for the love of fuck can we push back against it?

Or you can side with the mod's supporters (this is one of the devs actually lol). Who post things like this.

And the creators don't say a fucking thing at all about it, they just keep playing victim. It would be so easy to approach this system with a SMIDGEN of respect, just acknowledging the racism at all. Seriously BG3 fandom. Demand better.

I don't give a shit if they're the most popular, there's also a REASON why Wyll is not. But if you want to just eat this shit up and contribute making your fandom shitty and uninviting, by all means.

[qqueenofhades]

I think the Aaron Sorkin fic people are writing about the convention to be extremely silly. It's going to be Biden. And if Biden's health takes a downturn and he feels the need to step down its going tk be Harris. This fantasy where we skip over her to whip up two random white guys(or like maaaybe Witmer) and somehow cruise to victory instead of fragmenting the party months before the election is simply not going to happen.

Look, I'm just saying, I got an email from the Biden campaign this morning where they seemed pretty darn happy with the actual (i.e. not-bloviating media) results of the debate: $38 million raised in 4 days ($30 million from individual small-dollar donors), 10K new volunteers in a week, 3x surge in campaign volunteers for battleground states, essentially no change or even a modest boost in the polls. So I think at this point, we can cautiously conclude the following things:

The debate looked bad for Biden, perhaps, but doesn't seem to have hurt him nearly as much the incredibly bad-faith BIDEN NEEDS TO STEP DOWN NOW takes being pumped out by the NYT and its other compatriots would suggest. Especially when these same media outlets have been gleefully sabotaging Biden at every turn for years already and whose fake-sanctimonious hand-wringing "for the good of the nation" pieces honestly should get them dropped into Superhell for Bad Journalists;

Biden went to Raleigh NC right after the debate and gave a fiery rally speech that was very well received. Now, I don't know why we didn't have that Biden at the debate, but it was the same night and there clearly was not any "cOgnItiVe dEcLinE" happening there (also Biden has a stutter and has for literally his entire life, and had a cold on debate night, so it was just an unfortunate confluence of factors)

There are very few actually undecided voters in this election (once again: HOW???) and those who tuned into the debate were largely already convinced of which candidate they were voting for and this didn't do much to change their minds. Just like, you know, pretty much every other debate in the history of presidential elections.

Ordinary voters, and not mainstream media outlets with BIDEN IZ BAD goggles clamped over their eyes, were able to see Trump's insane Gish gallops, lies, and full-blown dementia; this isn't going to get any better for him when he's already lost 20%-25% of GOP voters in every state primary and still is going to be sentenced in his criminal trial;

The D.C. political elite screaming about how Biden should step down (FOUR MONTHS BEFORE THE ELECTION) and leave the Democrats to start from scratch with some Star Chamber-selected candidate with no money and no incumbency record and no organization apparatus and a divided party are either fucking weapons grade morons or working secretly for Trump, because that IS in fact the best way to lose the election;

Such speculation seems to fall chiefly on Gavin Newsom, who (to his credit) has shut down any and all suggestion that he should try to step in and take the place of an incumbent who has won every state primary with 90% or more, because he's remotely sane and understands that this year is too important to fuck around with;

I've somehow never seen any suggestion that Biden should step aside for the duly elected (brown, female) Vice President, because everyone seems to think some Young Miraculous White Guy is coming and/or should step in;

All this while SCOTUS is clearly so confident of Trump getting back in that it's willing to grant him Absolute God King status pre- and post-emptively;

Yes, Biden needs to up his game before the next debate (though that's on Fox News iirc, blargh), but I think it's far enough post-debate that we can say it was bad but did not sink him, and if anything, reinforced the fact to many ordinary, non-brainwormed voters that Biden is old (which has been the number one chief theme of news coverage for four years and is no surprise to anyone) but is a decent and principled man doing a good job, while Trump is an absolute gibbering insane orange shitmonger fascist. I don't think he did himself any favors in that regard.

....anyway. The point is, do not be fucking insane people, Biden is not going to step down and frankly shouldn't, don't read the NYT (as noted, they've openly admitted to sabotaging him for personal ego reasons so I don't know why the hell anyone would listen to what they have to say about him), this is still an eminently winnable election, and let's go get those motherfucking fascists. I want Trump in jail and all of SCOTUS and the MAGAGOP fucking crying over it because they fucking suck. Let's go.

[hwadess]

the way you bend, the way you break (c.bg)

so i did a poll for this a couple of days ago, and it had about 90% of you guys say that you guys wanted me to post this sub!beomgyu fic!!! sooooo… here it is. i am so embarrassed to post this but ill be fine omg, here’s yall food!

MDNI OR YOU WILL BE BLOCKED.

smut warnings: sub!beomgyu x dom!femreader, pet name usage (good boy, puppy), reader gets called mommy, masturbation (m), handjob, piv, sex flashbacks, borderline mindbreak on beomgyu’s end i can’t lie, dacryphilia/crying during sex, beomie so needy fr, nothing more i think.

word count: 1,197 i think. pretty sure

song i wrote this to:

smut is under the cut!

beomgyu just couldn’t seem to help himself. his brain was working overtime. god… the thought of you—naked, sitting above him looking down at his shivering frame—floods his mind. the blankets discarded to the sides of his bed does nothing to help his body stop feeling as if it’s on fire, his skin hot to the touch all over. his breathing becomes much heavier, nearly beginning to pant as he feels cock twitching in his pajama pants, slowly getting more hard and heavy the more he thinks about you.

you, oh my god.

an absolutely sinful memory plays back in his hazy mind of the last time you had your pretty hand wrapped gently around his swollen cock, letting him fuck up into your fist in such a desperate way that it was almost pathetic. “my my…. so needy my puppy….” he can hear you say so clearly, although it’s just his thoughts tormenting him.

he sighs heavily and whines. fuck, he’s so hard. it hurts. poor baby is so deep in thought that he can nearly feel it, closing his eyes, reliving it.

his vision was so fuzzy but he still managed to make out you looking so sinfully up at him, eyes half-lidded from the sight that is unfolding in front of you, tears pooling at the bottom of his glassy, empty, blown-out eyes. he was meer seconds from the tears building up so much that they down his pink blushed cheeks. you hum in approval when he realizes you noticed he was tearing up, earning a twitch from his poor cock.

“cry, puppy…”

sniffles and pants seep into the atmosphere of the empty hotel room, he can’t take this. his cock was throbbing. his shaky hands that were gripping at the hoodie he was wearing now started to make their way down to free his cock from the confines of his pants. he hisses at the contact, “p-please do something…”

he wraps his long fingers around his length, slightly squeezing it, imagining your fingers were the ones around his cock instead. he subconsciously squeezes a bit tighter, but he doesn’t think about how it’s because it feels a little bit more like how you grab his cock. god he remembers it too well. beomgyu begins moving his fist up and down his length at a slow and steady pace, cock jumping at his own ministrations. trapping his swollen bottom lip between his teeth, making it match the blush spreading across his cheeks.

he’s so overwhelmed, his mind wandering helplessly.

he’s now dizzy, flashing back to when you had him against the sofa. so gone, aching cock pressed up against your clothed cunt, your hips desperately grinding down to spread your wetness over his cock that was begging to be buried in you. “please l-let me put my cock in you p-please…“ beomgyu barely gets out. you laugh, he’s cute. his cock throbbing under your clit just felt too good. “so so so fucking good- aaaah-aah… like that…”

beomgyu begins to pump his leaking cock faster, his eyes rolling back. his hand subconsciously going up and down the whole length as the beads of his precum dribble down into the small space between his hand and his pulsating cock to make the glide a lot easier. “f-fuck…”

he can feel his balls tightening as he remembers more from that same memory, and what it was like when you finally let him shove his cock into your warm, wet cunt after teasing him for so long. losing yourself in the way he gasped out your name weakly, but oh so prettily for you. your soaked velvety walls dragging against your baby’s cock so nicely. beomgyu let’s out a pained whimper at that thought, eyes rolling back and mouth falling open at the memory, spit glistening his bitten lips.

beomgyu can so clearly recall how you immediately started moaning when he was able to let you use his cock, hips noisily slamming down onto his. your hands grabbing at his arms as you try and grip onto his triceps, nails digging into his flesh, leaving deep imprints, making him hiss. using his hand he moves it up your chest to mindlessly grab onto your breasts.

you were getting increasingly wetter each time you lowered all the way onto him as your juices pooled down his cock, dripping onto the sofa at this point. you were “s-so f-fucking wet…” and you could hear it. loud. and the sound only turned him into a braindead puppy, spurring him on to letting you use him as hard as you needed to cum. “feels so g-good..” you growl out, you’re staring down at him in awe like he’s the prettiest boy in this world and he’s going to fucking lose it.

“f-fuck mommy… th-that spot feels so good.” beomgyu moans out just like he did with you. his fist matching that same hard and fast pace you were taking him at in that memory. but, fuck, it will never be as good as your tight cunt creaming all over your puppy’s cock when he hits that exact same gummy spot he’s imagining slamming his cock into right now.

fuuuuck…. he can feel his orgasm coming. fast. hard. s-so hard. his brain is becoming mush. he starts to become a lot more desperate, whimpering so loud that anyone can hear, and throwing his head back as he lets his hips fuck into his fist, now decorated with his precum. he wishes it was your soaked pussy dripping down him instead.

he feels the euphoria of his orgasm get closer, hes pathetically gasping for breath, his large palms gripping the sheets that are now mangled around him, trying to ground himself as much as possible. “aaah fuck… ’m so… close m-mommy….” his head pressing backwards into the pillows, his hair messily spread over his eyes, as your hips fuck back down onto his cock to use his swollen, leaking, dark red cock— but it’s his fist, he remembers.

beomgyu’s eyes screw shut and his eyebrows knit together as he remembers the feeling of his mommy cumming on his cock, clenching so tightly. the way your legs close and quiver around his also trembling body. the way you become even tighter, cunt suffocating his overstimulated cock, milking out all of your pretty puppy’s cum into your cunt.

“g-god.” he shakily exhales again as he cums, hard. tears finally breaking free down his flushed cheeks and his cum shooting out wildly as he points his cock upwards to let it land on his hoodie, one of his favorite oversized ones that you let him borrow when he goes away, the last of the cum that he works out of his sensitive cock puddles around his shaft and down his hand.

“so messy puppy….“ you hum, collecting the cum leaking out of you on your index and middle fingers and bring it to beomgyu’s mouth to clean it off. “good boy….”

beomgyu shudders. he has to sit there for a second trying to control his uneven breathing.

fuck, he can’t wait to see you soon.

[porcupine-girl]

I realize that I am preaching to the choir here, given that I actually have NOT seen any of this going around on Tumblr. But just in case it's here and I've just missed it:

DO NOT MAKE FUCKING CAT-EATING MEMES. I KNOW YOU THINK YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF TRUMP, BUT YOU'RE NOT.

The thing is, 90% of the memes and jokes I've seen about this don't specify in any way whatsoever that they are making fun of Trump/Vance/people who believe that it's happening. They're just "haha eating cats funny" - which, guess who else would make that exact same joke? People who believe that immigrants are eating cats and are making fun of the immigrants for it!

Almost all of the memes I've seen shared by people on the left, I have to wonder if they were originally made by people on the right. I hear people talk about wearing "cat-eating shirts" to the polls since they can't wear Harris/Walz shirts, and I'm like... won't the other side do that too? Do you not see how the exact same thing is funny to them, but for completely opposite reasons? Vance even outright said he wants to see more memes, whether or not it's true.

And if you share these memes, they will assume you agree with them. Have you ever wondered how MAGAs could possibly believe that over half the country agrees with them? Well, when it looks for all the world like everyone else is also laughing at those stupid immigrants who steal people's pets, it's not hard for them to assume that those people laughing at immigrants are on their side.

This isn't the first time this has happened, either. Right after Epstein's suicide, some guy was being interviewed on the news about something unrelated and right at the end threw in something like "Epstein didn't kill himself" or something, and people on the left thought it was hilarious and amazing and shared it all over the place.

Except. That guy? He thought CLINTON killed Epstein, not Trump. THAT was his point, THAT was the joke he was making. But the left caused his video to rack up the views and shares, so now he thinks everyone else also thinks Clinton did it. And the same for all the other Epstein jokes that didn't specify who you thought actually had him killed. I definitely saw ones that got used by both sides unironically.

Please think a little bit when it comes to political humor. Could someone on the opposite end of the spectrum from you look at the joke or meme you're posting and think that it's aimed at them? Like, no matter how obvious you think it is who the real target is intended to be, could someone possibly misconstrue the target to be someone on your side?

[wordsbyrian]

Divine - Kelley O'Hara x Reader

Summary: Request was along the lines of Kelley x Reader where R is like divinely attractive. like the sun always hits her perfectly and everybody is in love with her. maybe she catches her teammates watching edits of her?

A/N: it was a request and then it was on the poll from ages ago and then i told @wosobullshit that i would write it so yeah. ta-da!

No one on the team is really sure how you do it.

It seemed like no matter what was going on around you, you managed to look perfect at all times, at least in your girlfriend’s opinion.

Doesn’t matter if you just finished running the beep test, or played a full 90 in a torrential downpour, or had just rolled out of bed for one reason or another. You always looked like you just stepped out of the pages of a sports magazine, even when you were forced to wear the hideous Portland jerseys.

The thing is, your girlfriend, Kelley, can’t even explain it but she’s more than willing to stand and stare and enjoy the view.

Currently, she and the rest of the team are watching as you help some of the trainers set up the cones for a drill and for some reason it seems as though no matter how you turned, you seemed to catch the light perfectly.

“Christ,” Sonny says, whistling lowly, “the fans might be right about Y/N.”

Kelley’s quick to reach out and swat at her young friend, “Hands off Sonnett.”

“I’m just looking.”

“No looking either!”

Unfortunately for Kelley (and the rest of the team) her voice travels just enough to be heard by the coaching staff, who are quick to rush them onto the field to get practice started.

Throughout practice, you do feel more eyes on you then normal but you brush it off as the training staff wanting to keep an extra close eye on you since you were still bouncing back from an injury. Of course, you noticed Kelley staring but that isn’t really anything new as you catch her staring at all hours of the day.

There’s also the cameras that feel like they're constantly on you. Which is weird to you but you push through and get on with the drills.

That afternoon when everyone has been loaded back onto the bus and you’re on your way back to the hotel, you notice the eyes on you again and you’re also pretty sure you hear someone whispering about the vein popping out on your forehead but you’re too busy arguing with Crystal to care.

“No, Y/N/N, there’s no way that you’re trying to tell me that ‘Hit Em Up’ is a better diss track than ‘No Vaseline,’” Crystal says, “‘No Vaseline’ is the diss track.”

A very important topic of conversation.

You shake your head fiercely before speaking, “Pac started the song by saying and I quote ‘that’s why i fucked your bitch you fat motherfucker’ then ended it by making fun of Prodigy for having Sickle Cell. Cube didn’t say anything that brutal.”

“Cube also didn’t need 3 of his friends to back him up in his beef,” Crys shoots back.

“He was beefing with the dudes that helped make him famous! HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS LEFT TO BACK HIM UP!”

The two of you have been having this argument on and off for weeks. Always over the same two songs and there is no doubt in your mind that your teammates are sick of hearing it. Especially the ones that have to put with you in POrtland and with the national team.

“Helped make him famous?!”

“Yes!”

“Seriously?!”

“Yes!”

The two of you are both leaning across the aisle, glaring at each other at this point, faces so close together that anyone else would’ve found it uncomfortable but the two of you had grown up together and as such were unfazed by it.

Out of the corner of your eye, before you or Crystal could continue, you noticed Kelley and Sonnett sitting in the back row glancing at a phone, then back at you, then back to the phone before giggling.

“I’ll get back to you in a second, Dunny, this isn’t over,” you say before getting up and heading towards your girlfriend.

It's not that hard for her to spot you coming, being in a confined space and all. The whole tall and tattooed thing you have going isn’t really beneficial to sneaking up on people either. BUt your height is currently working in your favor because it means you can easily see the way both Kelley and Emily scramble to hide the phone (and its screen) from your view.

“Hi, baby,” Kelley says when you reach them and drop into the seat across from them.

“Yeah, ‘hi baby’” Sonny mimics, earning an elbow to the gut from her fellow Georgian.

“That’s not suspicious at all,” you mumble under your breath. “Anyway, I was wondering if the two of you troublemakers made any plans for tomorrow or if I’ll actually be able to hang out with my girlfriend at some point this camp.”

“You can have her, Y/N/N, I’ve been trying to get rid of her days,” Emily jokes.

Laughing at the offended look on Kelley’s face, you press a kiss to the side of her head before heading back to argue with Crystal.

The next day, you and Kelley are basically attached at the hip, or more accurately, the hand with the way she’s been dragging you from place to place the entire time.

And now after much convincing (read: whining) from you, you’ve finally got her to agree that a nap is a good use of your afternoon.

There’s only one issue…

“Babe, the key to a successful nap is having your eyes closed.”

“My eyes are closed.”

“They aren’t,” you say.

“How do you know my eyes aren’t closed? You’d have to have your eyes open to tell.”

“I can tell,” you say, still not opening your eyes, “because I can always tell when you’re looking at me. Even in the world’s most crowded room, the feeling of your eyes on me is unlike any other. So close them so I can sleep.”

A soft kiss is placed on the underside of your chin and there’s a bit of shuffling as Kelley tries to get comfortable. You let her squirm for about 30 seconds before you tug her firmly against you.

“Yea that’s enough of that,” you say. “And for love of God, stop staring at me.”

“You say the sweetest things to me when you’re tired.”

“Mhmm, love you too. It’s time to go night-night now.”

“That’s the tone you use with Charlie,” Kelley’s voice is indignant.

“Shhh, it’s time to go night-night.”

There’s some grumbling from the older woman but you ignore her in favor of going to sleep.

When you wake up from your nap, Kelley is nowhere to be found which isn’t very surprising. Luckily you know exactly where to find her or so you thought.

The walk to Sonny and lIndsey’s room is a quick one but you get turned away at the door by LIndsey who tells you that neither Frat Daddy is inside. She tells you that they said something about the social media team but you instantly decide you want nothing to do with that.

So instead you head off to find your best friend.

Marcel.

But to find him you need to find his mother, an easy task especially when all you have to do is follow the music. Which leads you down the hallway to the room where the PTs are set up.

Walking in, you’re not surprised to see Crystal on one of the tables getting a massage, while Lynn plays with Marcel on the ground. Out of the corner of your eye, you notice Uncle sitting on the other table getting her hands looked at, but you don’t pay any attention to that. Instead you walk in and pick your little homie up.

“Hey,” Lynn calls out.

“Sorry Lynnie,” you say, “Marcel and I have some very important business to discuss.”

“He’s one!”

“Gracie’s corner is incredibly serious stuff, Williams. Crys, I’ll come find you when he needs a diaper change.”

You hear small chuckles from Lyss and the trainers but you’re mostly focused on the way Crystal grumbles her breath while shoo-ing you out of the room.

As you leave you can just mak e out the voice of one of the trainers saying, "It's like she doesn't even know she's doing it."

Whatever that means.

You spend the next 30 or so minutes wandering around the hotel, alternating between letting the toddler run ahead of you and carrying him while he mushes his fingers against your face, babbling on about whatever 1 year olds like. You make sure to respond when he pauses, wow-ing or asking him simple questions to encourage him to continue.

Eventually, the two of you make your way down to the conference room that’s been converted to a common area for the team.

The amount of heads that immediately turn to face you makes you slightly nervous and the nerves only worsen when you see Kelley and Sonnett once again shoving their phones behind their backs.

Rolling your eyes, you go and ploop yourself and Marcel down next to Charlie, finding the company of the two toddlers more entertaining than that of your teammates. 

Unnoticed by you though, both of the kids' mothers as well as a member of the social media team taking photos of the three of you. There’s also a few unheard comments directed at Kelley that may or may not have something to do with baby fever.

Life at camp continues in the same manner for the next few days with you going about your business while your girlfriend, her goofball friend, and the social media team continue to act strangely.

It all comes to a head one day after training.

The media manages to corner you before you get on the bus and they ask you to react to a few tiktoks that fans have made about you.

It takes you all of 3 seconds before you realize what you’re watching.

“Are all of these thirst edits of me,” you gasp, not removing your gaze from the screen. “This one is captioned: I’d let Y/N Y/L/N tie me. NEVERMIND!”

You manage to get through the next 5 minutes.

You stutter and blush and sweat your way through all 5 but you manage to make it through.

Not all the videos are as sexual as the first one, some feature clips of you with Marcel and Charlie but it still makes you very very uncomfy.

When you get on the bus, you’re greeted by the sight of most of the team grinning at you like maniacs, clearly already knowing what just happened.

“Who’s idea was that,” you ask, still standing up front.

No one speaks, so you groan before beginning to trudge your way to your normal seat across from Crystal.

On your way you notice the way both Kelley and Sonny can’t seem to hold back their giggles, so you pass your normal seat and go and sit with them instead.

“The two of you aren’t nearly as funny as you seem to think you are,” you say, dropping into Kelley’s lap.

“But we really are,” Sonnet laughs while poking you in the back.

“Yea it’s not our fault that the entire internet thinks you’re divine. I’m not going to be the one who argues with them.” Kelley leans up to press a kiss to your cheek but pouts when you lean away then stand up. “I love you,” she tries.

“Love you too.”

[loveshotzz]

you look pretty like this

bouncer!steve x fem!reader whatta man blurb

summary: Steve comes upstairs after a bad night at The Foxy Lounge.

warnings: 18+ dirty talk, oral male receiving, swallowing, boot riding 😈

word count: 1.4k

authors note: the blurb i wanted to win the poll so i wrote it too! this is part of my 90’s au Whatta Man but you don’t have to read to enjoy. Just know you live above the bar Steve bounces for.

Steve finally looked less pissed than when he stormed in earlier, his half lidded eyes staring down at you from between his legs. The pink glow from The Foxy Lounge sign illuminates his bronzed summer skin in a way that makes your thighs press. The haze from the smoke billows out from between his lips and softens the room while one big hand reaches down to cup your cheek. The pad of his thumb brushing away the tear that escapes from the corner of your eye as you open your throat up more for him.

“Mouth like a fuckin’ champion, honey. You like suckin’ me off like this huh?” He coos leaning back a little to get a better look at you.

You nod your head the best you can while you hum around the thickness of his cock that bullies your gag reflex. The vibrations make him groan loud enough that anyone outside the bar downstairs can hear.

He hollows out his cheeks taking another long drag, his hips bucking when your tongue traces the protruding vein that runs up the side. His leaky tip twitches in your mouth with his release just begging to come out.

“So fuckin’ good for me, makin’ my bad night better.” His words are sweet but the fist that tangles in your hair is a little mean.

His half smoked cigarette dangles from his bottom lip while his eyebrows pinch together to meet in the middle, the ash at the end dangerously close to falling on your bed.

You release him from your mouth with a loud pop, a string of spit keeping you connected when you look up at him with big eyes. He loved when you did that. Your hand wraps around the base, squeezing with just enough pressure to make a heavy breath exhale through his nose.

“You gonna ash that?” You ask a little bratty, swiping your thumb over his slit making him hiss.

His white undershirt sits pushed up just below his belly button, a trail of thick chestnut hair leading to an even fuller chest, the muscles in his abdomen flex when you do it again.

His lips twitch around the butt before he leans back with narrowed eyes. Long fingers reaching up to make the cigarette look small when it gets nestled between them. He flicks the excess off into the ashtray you got for the days it was always just “the one” swearing he’ll quit again tomorrow.

You keep working him at a slow pace, your wrist moving at just the right rhythm to make him grunt. His legs shift slightly so one big boot finds a new home between your knees. The wet patch in your underwear becoming uncomfortable when you think of sitting on it, your body desperate for any kind of friction.

Resting on his elbows, he takes another long drag, doing his best to play it cool while his dark stare fixates back on you.

“Happy?” The question comes out around a cloud of smoke and you have to suppress your moan when the toe of his boot accidentally ghosts against your clit.

“Mmmhmm” you manage to get out.

His brows raise as he clocks the way your lashes flutter and the power in your movements falter for a split second, something devilish taking over his handsome features when he figures it out.

“Getting tired baby?” He grins, biceps straining when he takes another drag. “Why don’t you take a seat?”

Your walls clamp around nothing but his words while your eyes lock with the smugness taunting you in his. Holding his gaze you lick a broad stripe up his length, relishing in the way it’s makes him twitch in your hands with a low ‘fuck’ escaping him. You tease him slowly with your tongue, exploring every ridge standing at attention for you before bringing the intensity of your mouth back down to wrap around him. It shuts him up for a second while you try to regain control.

“Does it look like I’m tired?” You ask pulling away just enough for your lips to ghost against the sensitive skin.

You weren’t looking for a real answer, and he knew that, but it didn’t stop him from trying. Whatever comeback he has dies before it has a chance to come out when you take as much of him as you can. Only stopping when he hits that part of your throat that’ll be bruised in the morning.

“Jesus-fuck, honey.”

The corners of your lips twist up around him, more than pleased when his fingers find their way back into your hair. You hum in approval, encouraging him to give in as both your hands find purchase against the dark denim that still covers half his thighs. The muscles dance under your touch, ruining the cotton between your legs even more. He was getting close.

Steve thinks he might be meeting god tonight when you somehow take him deeper, your nose to hitting the rough patch of hair that frames his base. Your tongue works overtime to cover every inch of him you can reach. Breathing through your nose, you start a slow bob up and down his length, only releasing him half way before sucking him right back into the tight heat of our mouth.

You can’t smell the cigarette anymore and it makes you wonder if it was enough for him to put it out.

The saltiness of his precum hits your tongue, and you start to feel like you’ve won, especially when you reach down to massage his balls. One large hand hitting the mattress in response, your name coming out in a mixture of bliss and agony with a buck of his hips.

“Y-you’re so good to me, I don’t wanna be the only one that gets to cum baby.” He sounds the sweetest he’s been all night, and you almost fall for it until the toe of his boot returns with pointed pressure against your bundle of nerves.

You moan loudly, almost letting him slip from between your lips when he keeps it there. He holds it, daring to apply even more pressure till your resistance gives and your hips start rolling against him. The drag against your clit is electric, and the dirtiness of it all has you the wettest you’ve ever been. Saliva drips down his cock as everything starts getting messier. Both of you getting closer.

Tears prick at the corners of your closed eyes, and he can feel the way your body shudders at the new sensation. You whimper around him when he starts kicking his boot up to meet each of your short thrusts. His own hips create a pace that has his eyes threatening to roll back, but he’s trying to take a mental picture of how you look right now.

“Needy girl just wanted my boot huh?” The smugness from before returns when he notices how you stop fighting for control. All your shame is gone while your body chases your impending orgasm. Too wrapped up in how good it feels to fight anymore, you whimper when the rubber of his sole rubs your clit just right.

“You gonna swallow what I give you while you make a mess all over my boot?” His words only spur you on more, your grinding picking up more speed. “You gonna be good?”

You nod hollowing your cheeks, finding the focus to open up your throat even more to take him to the hilt while the beginnings of your release start to wash over you in waves. You palm at his sensitive balls begging him for his.

“God, angel. I’m gonna fuckin cum watching you like this. Fuck- such a fuckin’ dirty girl. Cover my boot, I wanna walk back down stairs with it shinin’.”

He’s a babbling mess, the blunt ends of his nails scratching into your scalp when you feel him twitch against your tongue. Your body shakes as the coil inside you snaps at the same time he starts spilling white hot against the back of your throat. You try to swallow as much of it as you can while it drowns out your moans, but it’s too much and it comes sputtering out the sides of your mouth.

It dribbles down your chin when you finally release him, your eyes daring to meet his. The mossy green of them is back, his expression no longer hard but soft and exhausted. A lazy satisfied grin spreads across his face, as he runs a hand through his hair putting the fly away back into place.

The pad of his thumb swipes at what you missed before he brings it up to your lips.

“Thank you baby.” His pearly whites show in a devastating smile when you do as he asks with tear stained cheeks, your wollen lips wrapping around him to suck him clean.

You looked so pretty like this.