#not by attacking traumatized people because you think you got this equation figured out

[bonebirds]

This got long but I'm fucking pissed. Content warnings for abuse mentions, trafficking mentions, discourse about discourse to prevent future discourse, "proshipper" nonsense, grooming, etc.

This is gonna be the one time I open my mouth about this because haha, hey, years of internalized fear and shame. I'm trying to lay down a boundary and that comes with so much anticipated backlash.

I do, for the record, have a background in Yelling about the crossroads of media/culture/literature/academia/games studies/trauma/capitalism. Which is a wide range and we can thank my comp exams in the PhD for that.

Since this is tumblr I also gotta just do the fuckin' disclaimer before anyone else feels like doing the "if you don't publicly condemn xyz then I'm gonna make your day worse" thing:

I don't participate in fandom and I don't ship things. I'm not about to defend specific instances or pairings because everything exists in subjective contexts, and texts especially so. But also, I have graduate degrees in English and text analysis and lived experience with CSA and trafficking that went on for a long fucking time. And I am very, very tired of being called the worst things you can call a trauma survivor because I don't care about shipping.

I'm not anti-ship, or whatever. I am not down for imposing my own trauma, feelings about it, and opinions on others in order to censor their art. Call me a proshipper if you want -- ignoring the part where I don't write fanfic or participate in fandom -- because I agree with them. I condemn CSA/CSEM, abusers, predators, the entire evil side of humanity but people who write fic aren't that. Neither are people who read it, even the most problematic of the problematic.

People can write, as fiction, as fantasy, whatever they want. There are no real people being harmed. I can distinguish between those things and, again, am a survivor of some very intense abuse. You're welcome to disagree. I'm fine with that if you're fine with me. I don't believe in absolutes when it comes to topics this complicated (and it is). I spent years on the opposite side, actually, because just the MENTION of things like incest or age gaps triggered me. And then I would do the same and get mad at the people writing it.

This is not healthy and it is not healing on either side of the argument.

But also in treating everything like such a monolithic moral purity test, where you're either good or deserve to suffer -- a test that I fail, because there is no room for things like Complexity -- you just spent a lot of time telling me I'm as bad as the people who trafficked me. Because of fiction. Because of fake things happening to fake people, based on an idea in someone else's head, people's real harm and real trauma means we're as bad as their abusers. That is so heavily the implication in so much of this talk. If I don't disregard my degrees, my training, my own experiences, my own principles and take a stand against people shipping things on the internet, I must basically be a predator!

That is violent and fucked up.

I don't want you around here, so block me and get it over with.

I (like a lot of people with trauma histories) use fiction and writing to process and heal. I don't even post them. A lot of that writing, and being able to seek it out, was helpful. It was a connection to someone else out in the world who maybe understood a little bit of the pain and fear and confusion.

There's a difference between fiction and real abuse. And the "but predators use it to groom vulnerable children" angle barely holds water -- predators use anything. Mainstream TV shows. Vending machine snacks. Gumballs. Access to a remote control to change a channel. A lot of things are more accessible and friendly to kids than making them read. Advocating for censorship, especially in today's political hellhouse, is not actually helpful. It just feels really righteous.

Which doesn't mean there aren't those trying to leverage fic to "normalize" abuse and grooming, I absolutely believe they have and do, but that does not justify externalizing your pain and trauma onto others, or policing them, or trying to take control back by claiming an imaginary moral high ground and pinning other people to it. It also doesn't mean that censoring the internet of all things icky to you saves the world, the kids, anything. It just means they'll find easier avenues, of which there are already so many. It also means you're all just attacking people from a place of presumed hurt rather than compassion, curiosity, anything like that.

So.

Anyone whose stance on this entire thing boils down to "you agree with me or you're a secret pedo enabler," you need to leave.

I'm happy to talk about it if you want! I don't think people trying to draw those lines are right but I think they're well-intentioned, until they start calling me shit that triggers entire mental collapses. You know. In the name of saving the children. Which hasn't been a red flag for conservatism and oppression for hundreds of years or anything, either. How many kids do you think are protected by shutting down places they can actually go and talk about the darkest shit in their heads? How many of us just suffer unbearable pain and isolation because the culture around us is shame-based and if you think about things like that, you're Just Like Them?

This ain't about protecting kids, basically. This discourse never has been. It's about being righteous and never examining why that is. It's about lashing out and displacement. I think the concern for victims is real, like I said, but that concern can translate to actual, real help elsewhere. People are DOING the work to make the internet safer. This? Is not that work.

You are responsible for how you manage your trauma and pain, and that has to include not taking it out on others. Full stop. Even when you disagree. Even when everything in your brain is going DANGER ALARMS DANGER ALARMS DANGER ALARMS WE MUST STOP THIS because someone ships something you think is wrong or uncomfortable. It sucks, and it sucks we have to do that, and it sucks we have to learn how. None of us asked to. None of us wanted to end up here. It's not victim blaming to say you're accountable for your own recovery.

But while you are here, maybe consider that the name/shame/blame model hasn't been working either. For hundreds of fucking years. We know shame doesn't motivate people to care, or learn.

But especially when you're weaponizing shame against trauma survivors for recognizing their own experiences in literature, art, stories. We all struggle with toxic shame. Using it against people until they agree with you?

Holy shit just look in the mirror one day, I guess. But block me first.

[lorenfangor]

I heard that #40 was super homophobic :/ so I skipped it. But now your fic is making me want to give it a try. How problematic is it? Are the characters worth it?

Okay.

Okay.

Let’s talk about #40.

The plot of The Other (a Marco POV) is that Marco sees an Andalite on a video tape sent in to some Unsolved Mysteries-esque TV show, and he assumes it’s Ax and hauls ass to save him from being captured. Ax, being Ax, has videotaped the show, and they pull it up and Tobias uses his hawk eyes to figure out that it’s not Ax, it’s another Andalite - one without a tailblade. Ax is appalled at the presence of this vecol (an Andalite word for a disabled person) and we find out that he and others of his species have deep ingrained prejudices against at least some kinds of disabled people.

Despite this, Marco and Ax go looking for the Andalite in question because he’s been spotted by national TV, and they meet a second one, named Gafinilan-Estrif-Valad. The vecol is Mertil-Iscar-Elmand, a former fighter pilot with a reputation and Gafinilan’s coded-gay life partner. The two of them have been on Earth since book 1; they crashed their fighters on the planet and have been trapped there thanks to the GalaxyTree going down. Gafinilan has adopted a human cover, a physics professor, and they’ve been living in secret ever since.

Thanks to that tape, Mertil has been captured by Visser Three, and he’s not morph-capable so he can’t escape. Gafinilan wants to trade the leader of the “Andalite Bandits” to the Yeerks to get his boyfriend back; he can’t fight to free Mertil because he’s terminally ill with a genetic disorder that will eventually kill him, and (it’s implied that) the Yeerks aren’t interested in disabled hosts, even disabled Andalite ones. Despite Ax’s ableism, the Animorphs agree to work with Gafinilan and free Mertil, and they’re successful. Marco ends the book talking about how there are all kinds of prejudices you’ll have to face and boxes that people will put you in, and you can’t necessarily escape them even if they’re reductive and inaccurate, but you can still live your life with pride.

So now that I’ve explained the plot, I’m gonna come out the gate saying that I love this book. I love it wholeheartedly, I love Marco’s narration, I love Ax having to deal with Andalite society’s ableism, I love these characters, and as a disabled lesbian I don’t find these disabled gays to be inherently Bad Rep.

that’s of course just my opinion and it doesn’t overshadow other issues that people might have? but at the same time, I don’t like the seemingly-common narrative that this book is all bad all the time, and I want to offer up a different read.To that end, I’m going to go point by point through some of the criticisms and common complaints that I’ve seen across the fandom over the years.

“Mertil and Gafinilan were put on a bus after one appearance because they were gay!”

this is one I’m going to have to disagree with hardcore. I talked about this yesterday, but in Animorphs there are a lot of characters or ideas that only get introduced once or twice and then get written off or dropped - in order off the top of my head, #11 (the Amazon trip), #16 (Fenestre and his cannibalism), #17 (the oatmeal), #18 (the hint of Yeerks doing genetic experiments in the hospital basement), #24/#39/#42 (the Helmacrons’ ability to detect morphing tech), #25 (the Venber), #28 (experiments with limiting brain function through drugs), #34 (the Hork-Bajir homeworld being retaken, the Ixcila procedure), #36 (the Nartec), #41 (Jake’s Bad Future Dream), and #44 (the Aboriginal people Cassie meets in Australia) all feature things that either seem to exist just for the sake of having a particular trope explored Animorphs-style or to feature an idea for One Single Book.

This is a series that’s episodic and has a very limited overall story arc because of how children’s literature in the 90s was structured - these books are closer to The Saddle Club, Sweet Valley High, Animal Ark, or The Baby-Sitters’ Club than they are to Harry Potter or A Series of Unfortunate Events. Mertil and Gafinilan don’t get to be in more than one book because they’re not established in the main cast or the supporting cast, I don’t think that it’s solely got anything to do with their being gay.

“Gafinilan has AIDS, this is a book about AIDS, and that’s homophobic!”

Okay, this is… hard. First, yes, Gafinilan does have a terminal illness. Yes, Gafinilan is gay. No, Soola’s Disease is not AIDS.

I have two responses to this, and I’ll attack them in order of their occurrence in my thought. First, there’s coded AIDS diseases all over genre fiction, especially genre fiction from that era, because the AIDS epidemic made a massive impact on public life and fundamentally changed both how the public perceived illness and queerness and how queer people themselves experienced it. I was too young to live through it, but my dad’s college roommate was out, and my dad himself has a lot of friends who he just ceases to talk about if the conversation gets past 1986 or so - this was devastating and it got examined in art for more reasons than “gay people all have AIDS”, and I dislike the implication that the only reason it could ever appear was as a tired stereotype or a message that Being Queer Means Death. Gafinilan is kind, fond of flowers, and fond of children - he’s multifaceted, and he’s got a terminal illness. Those kinds of people really exist, and they aren’t Bad Rep.

Second off, Soola’s Disease? Really isn’t AIDS. It’s a congenital genetic illness that develops over time, cannot be transmitted, and does not carry a serious stigma the way AIDS did. Gafinilan also has access to a cure - he could become a nothlit and no longer be afflicted by it, even if it’s considered somewhat dishonorable to go nothlit to escape that way. That’s not AIDS, and in fact at no point in my read and rereads did I assume that his having a terminal illness was supposed to be a commentary on homosexuality until I found out that other people were assuming it.

“Mertil losing his tail means he’s lost his masculinity, and that’s bad because he’s gay! That’s homophobic!”

so this is another one I’ve gotta hardcore disagree with, because while Mertil is one of two Very Obviously Queer Characters, he’s not the only character who loses something fundamental about himself, or even loses access to sexual and/or romantic capability in ways he was familiar with.

Tobias and Arbron both get ripped out of their ordinary normal lives by going nothlit in bad situations, and while they both wind up finding fulfillment and freedom despite that, it’s still traumatic, even more for Arbron I’d say than for Tobias. And on a psychological level, none of the main cast is left unmarked or free of trauma or free of deep change thanks to the bad things that have happened to them - they’re no less fundamentally altered than Mertil, even if it’s mental rather than physical. And yes, tail loss is equated with castration or emasculation, but that doesn’t automatically mean Mertil suffering it is tied to his homosexuality and therefore the takeaway we’re intended to have is “Being gay is tragic and makes you less of a man”. This is a series where bad shit happens to everyone, and enduring losses that take away things central to one’s self-conception or identity or body is just part of the story.

Also, frankly? Plenty of IRL disabled people have to grapple with a loss of sexual function, and again, they’re not Bad Rep just because they’re messy.

“Andalite society is confusingly written in this book, and the disability aspects are clearly just a coverup for the gay stuff!”

Andalite society is canonically sexist, a bit exceptionalist and prejudiced in their own favor, and pretty contradictory and often challenged internally on its own norms. In essence, it’s a pretty ordinary society, and they’re really realistic as sci-fi races go. It makes sense from that perspective that Andalites would tolerate scarring or a lost stalk eye or a lost skull eye, but not tolerate serious injuries that significantly impact your perceived quality of life. Ableism is like that - it’s not one-size-fits-all. I look at Ax’s reactions and I see a lot of my own family and friends’ behaviors - this vibes with my understanding of prejudice, you know?

“Mertil and Gafinilan have a tragic ending, which means the story is saying that being gay dooms you to tragedy!”

Mertil and Gafinilan have the best possible ending that they could ask for? They are victims of the war, they are suffering because of the war, they get the same cocktail of trauma and damage that every other soldier gets. But unlike Jake and Tobias and Marco, unlike Elfangor, unlike Aximili? Their ending comes in peace, in their own home. Gafinilan isn’t dying alone, he’s got the love of his life with him. Mertil isn’t going to be as isolated anymore, he’s got Marco for a friend. Animorphs is a tragedy, it’s not a happy story, it’s not something that guarantees a beautiful sunshine-and-roses ending for everyone, and I love tragedy, and so I will fight for this story. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it deserved better. But it’s not less meaningful just because it’s sad. Nobody is entitled to anything in this book, and it’s just as true for these two as it is for anyone else.

“It’s not cool that the only canonically gay characters in this series don’t get to be happy and trauma-free and unblemished Good Rep!”

This is one I can kind of understand, and I’ll give some ground to it, because it is sucky. The only thing I’ll say is that I stand by my argument that nothing that happens to Mertil and Gafinilan is unusual compared to what happens to the rest of the cast, and that their ending is way happier than Rachel and Tobias’s, or Jake and Cassie’s. But it’s a legitimate point of frustration, and the one argument I’ll say I agree has validity.

(Though, I also want to point out that I think there are plenty of equally queercoded characters in the story who aren’t Mertil and Gafinilan - Tobias, Rachel, Cassie, and Marco all get at least one or two moments that signal to me that they’re potentially LGBT+, not to mention Mr. Tidwell and Illim in #29 and their long-term domestic partnership. There’s no reason to assume that the only queer people here are those two aliens when Marco’s descriptions of Jake exist.)

“Marco uses slurs and reduces Gafinilan’s whole identity to his illness!”

Technically, yes, this is true, except putting it that way strips the whole passage of its context. Marco is discussing the boxes society puts you into, the ones you don’t have a choice about facing or escaping. He’s talking about negative stereotypes and reductive generalizations, he’s referring to them as bad things that you get inflicted upon you by an outside world or by friends who don’t know the whole story or the real you. The slurs he uses are real slurs that get thrown at people still, and they’re not okay, and the point is that they’re not okay but assholes are going to call you by them anyway. He ends by saying “you just have to learn to live with it”, and since this is coming from a fifteen-year-old Latino kid who we know is picked on by bullies for all sorts of reasons and who faces racism and homophobia? He knows what he’s talking about. He’s bitter about what’s been said and done, he’s not stating it like it’s a good thing.

Yes, absolutely, this speech is a product of its time, but it’s a product of its time that speaks of defiance and says “We aren’t what we’re said to be,” and in the year this was published? That’s a good message.

tl;dr The Other is good, actually, and Mertil and Gafinilan are incredible characters who deserve all the love they could possibly get.

[itsclydebitches]

This isn’t really much of a defense as it is just a acknowledgement of the difference: Oz NEVER planned on telling anyone anything, if a way to stop Salem cropped he’d have probably still never told anyone. Ruby, DID plan on telling people, just after they earned her trust. The reason this is still a criticism is because SHE SHOULD FUCKING TRUST IRONWOOD.

Asking this to the fandom as an honest question: when do we learn that Ozpin never planned to tell anyone? To my recollection he doesn’t say that (and I admit completely it’s just my recollection, I could be forgetting something), but rather he says instead: 

“Do you really think Leo was the first? That he didn’t say those exact same words to me? I’m sorry, but you have to understand that my behaviors are backed by experience. I’m not saying that I have reason to think you will betray me. I’m saying that I have reasons for the things that I do. The secrets I keep. I--”

(This is a speech that the group - and via them the audience - never has to grapple with because Ozpin realizes in this moment that the relic is gone, moving the conversation away from his defense and towards Ruby’s refusal to give it back/Oscar forcibly taking Jinn’s name.) 

Saying, “My experience means that I have good reason not to spill these secrets carelessly” is not the same thing as “I never plan on telling them to anyone.” This is, in fact, the exact same reasoning that Ruby adopts: I plan to tell you things after you’ve earned my trust. Ozpin admits here that Team RWBY doesn’t have his trust yet. Not because they as individuals have done something to lessen that (though I’d argue that the group’s overall attitude makes trusting them justifiably difficult), but rather that platitudes - “You can trust us!” - have proven to be meaningless throughout Ozpin’s lifetime: “Do you really think Leo was the first? That he didn’t say those exact same words to me?” Here, Ozpin is in the same place with Team RWBY as Ruby was with Ironwood for weeks on end. I simply don’t trust you yet and you’ll just have to wait until I do. (Even though, as you say, Color2wheel, Ironwood had actions to prove his trust whereas Team RWBY just has those platitudes...) 

The only “proof” I’ve heard in the fandom that Ozpin never intended to tell them about Salem is the fact that Qrow doesn’t know about her yet. The logic goes, “Well if Qrow doesn’t know after years and years of working with Ozpin then obviously he doesn’t plan to ever tell him at all.” It sounds damning on the surface but what this argument fails to take into account is what Ozpin himself points out, that his behaviors are “backed by experience.” Or, to put it more bluntly, this argument fails to take trauma into account. 

Ozpin is grappling with trauma that, thus far, no other character has had to try and overcome. 

Ruby actually gives us a good baseline. We can think of her trust as akin to an equation: 

Being betrayed by one person (Ozpin) + encountering an ally who is doing everything possible to demonstrate trust (Ironwood) = needed a couple weeks in order to trust them. 

Ozpin’s equation is more like: 

Being betrayed by an unknowable number of people across a thousand years (Raven, Lionheart, and Team RWBY most recently) + encountering allies who do things that demonstrate that trusting them may be quite a risk (Qrow is called out for not being a reliable spy and is emotionally very fragile, Ironwood disagrees with Ozpin’s methods, Team RWBY is constantly pissed at him, etc.) = needing....? 

How long does it take to trust again after all that? After a thousand years of people not just hurting you when they learn this secret (abandoning you for Salem, trying to kidnap you, kill you) but also hurting themselves as well (Qrow falls into an alcoholic stupor and only comes out of it when his niece threatens to leave him behind)? If Ruby’s experiences as a 17yo with (at most) two years experience outside the safety of Patch/Beacon means it took her weeks to trust again, how many years does it take someone who has been through as much as Ozpin? Probably the number of years that Qrow has been trustworthy “enough” to learn this secret but hasn’t. Needing more time to trust again because you’ve been traumatized by trusting others isn’t comparable to not trusting because you’re a bad person and you just didn’t want to. “Not now” doesn’t mean “never” and “I currently can’t” is not the same thing as “I won’t.” In addition, none of this takes into account that Ozpin kept silent during a time of peace when telling people (arguably) wasn’t necessary, whereas Ruby kept silent during a time of war when she knew Ironwood was putting time and resources towards a doomed plan. Those are radically different situations, even removing Ozpin’s trauma.

In the interest of boiling complex stuff down into more easily understood examples, let’s talk about another kind of trauma for just a moment. Something simpler, straight forward, and generally more accepted: a fear of dogs. 

Ruby: I was bitten by a dog once. I wasn’t the worst bite in the world but it still effected me. Now I’ve met this other dog and he’s... kind of scary. Big. Looks mean. Barks a lot. I get intellectually that the dog isn’t attacking me and is showing that he will sit quietly if I were to approach... but I can’t bring myself to pet the dog yet. I need time. 

The Story: Entirely understandable. 

Ozpin: I’ve yet to have a good experience with a dog. I’ve been bitten by them throughout my whole life - which is over fifty times the length of Ruby’s. These bites have left scars. I’ve been mauled by dogs before. I’ve had people set their dogs on me. I get intellectually that all dogs aren’t bad, but it’s incredibly hard for me to pet any at this point, even those whose owners insist that they’d never, ever hurt me. I’ve heard those same words right before I was bit again... 

The Story: Hmm. Seems suspicious. 

Ruby: Okay! I’ve spent weeks with this specific dog now and you know what? I’m ready to pet him. I’m emotionally in that place now. There. I did it! Aren’t you proud of me? 

The Story: We are! Wow that was so well done. You are such a good person for petting that dog and I’m sure your ability to do so is based entirely on your morality and has nothing to do with your individual experiences. 

Ozpin: No, I still haven’t pet any dogs yet. I’m not ready. 

The Story: Well Ruby pet one. 

Ozpin: Forgive me, but Ruby had one bad experience with a dog. She’s been surrounded by other supportive, happy, loyal, gentle dogs her whole life! Has any dog ever tried to kill Ruby? I feel like that would have a bearing on how quickly she starts interacting with them again... 

The Story: Nope. She’s just better than you. 

Now replace all “petting dogs again” with “trusting someone with this secret again.” Before I condemn Ozpin and uphold Ruby, I’d like to see a version of Ruby Rose who went through even a fraction of what Ozpin has been through regarding trust, secrets, and absolutely horrific betrayal. Give me a Ruby who has told people the Salem secret and they leave her, attack her, try to kidnap her, kill her, deny her support, grow to hate her... and then lets see if it still “only” takes a few weeks to spill it again. Give me a Ruby who has to suffer through Blake abandoning her, or Weiss joining up with Salem, or Jaune trying to kidnap her to ensure his own safety and then we can start praising her if she trusts quickly after all that. 

For me, it has never been established that Ozpin would have never told his allies this secret, only that his experiences mean he needs more than the average person to take that risk. I actually think having a Salem plan would have made all the difference. Reassuring someone that there won’t be repercussions for the awful thing they just heard is a great way to ensure they aren’t nearly as angry as they might have been: 

Person A: I... accidentally left the gate open and the dog got out. 

Person B: You what? 

Person A: But don’t worry! I’ve already got a plan to get him back. Everything is fine!

Person B: It’s a damn good thing. 

vs. 

Person A: I... accidentally left the gate open and the dog got out. 

Person B: You what? Well how are you getting him back? 

Person A: I haven’t figured that out yet...

Person B: What the hell is wrong with you? 

People like easy solutions to hard problems. It’s the first thing Ruby asks: We just learned that Salem is immortal and we know you’ve failed to get rid of her for a thousand years...but you have a plan to fix this in our lifetime, right? We don’t have to deal with this awful immortality business because you’ve figured out how to fix everything for us, right? And when Ozpin admits that he doesn’t have that solution fury gets the better of them. He’s punched into that tree. They drive him away. If Ozpin had been able to say, “Don’t worry! It doesn’t matter if Salem is immortal because I’ve found a way to circumvent that immortality! This reveal will have no negative impact on you moving forward,” we would have gotten a very different conversation. And very different actions on Ozpin’s part throughout his life. The whole reason he keeps Salem’s immortality to himself is because he has no way to circumvent it. He doesn’t want to tell people that this fight is (currently) impossible because that is what leads to them giving up/joining Salem/taking their fear out on him. There’s no longer a reason to keep her immortality a secret if the immortality is circumventable. A plan would have removed at least some of Ozpin’s (justified) fears. People aren’t going to attack him if he can easily fix this problem for them. If he can’t fix it? Well, then you’re disposable. We’re going to leave you for someone more powerful (Salem) or just cut you out of our life completely (Team RWBY). 

What it comes down to is that Ruby’s experiences and Ozpin’s experiences simply aren’t comparable. It’s something he says outright in the story - “you have to understand that my behaviors are backed by experience” - but moving forward RWBY has chosen to ignore that. The man who has spent a thousand years being traumatized by trust going sideways can’t compare to the teen with just a spattering of experience under her belt trusting for the second time. Ozpin was Ruby at one point. There was a time when he trusted a second time and he didn’t get an Ironwood who sat calmly and accepted the news with such grace. So what proof do we have that without being so lucky (without a narrative that ensures Ruby comes out on top) Ruby wouldn’t have become Ozpin in time? There’s nothing intrinsic in Ruby that makes her a better person who is more able to trust others. It’s entirely that her experiences haven’t (yet) led to trust being a trigger for abandonment and assault. Ruby is just an Ozpin in the making because anyone can struggle due to trauma - even a “simple soul.” It’s a crucial difference and, frankly, I think RWBY has failed not to acknowledge it. 

[fontofmercy-archived]

Understanding BvS’s Lex Luthor: CSA and Repressed Homosexuality

(Re-posted with minor revisions after I moved accounts and accidentally deleted this post)

Lex’s motivations are quite explicit in BvS, he has a whole speech explaining why he is doing what he’s doing and what he says is consistently shown throughout his screentime. But I think there is a lot unspoken beneath the surface that most people wouldn’t think of, based on my observations I think that BvS’s Lex was molested by his father and that he’s sexually attracted to Clark, and that his issues with Superman partially stem from the duality of desiring Clark and being afraid of him. That may sound strange, especially the csa bit, but hear me out because there is quite a bit of evidence and it may give you a clearer perspective on the character.

NOTE: I just want to clarify that it is not at all my intention to equate homosexuality with CSA nor demonize CSA survivors, I’m simply observing this particular character who happens to be a villain. Lex being attracted to Clark doesn’t make him villainous, the way he deals with it because of trauma and internalized homophobia is the problem.

1.) Daddy’s Abominations?

“No man in the sky intervened when I was a boy to save me from daddy’s fists and abominations!”

This is quite self-explanatory, Lex just said that his father sexually abused him. The only other possible interpretation I could think of is a more general ‘my dad made me evil because he was evil’ but that’s a really weak explanation especially since the line is equated with the trauma of being beaten by his dad and the way he is very visibly triggered saying that line. When he finishes “abominations” he immediately flinches away from Superman and shakes his hand in front of his face as if desperately trying to erase what he just confessed.

2.) Lolita + Alice in Wonderland

“Plain Lo in the morning, Lola is slacks -“

“Late, late says the white rabbit”

Lolita and Alice in Wonderland...those are interesting choices of literature for a supervillain to quote. You’d think something more threatening and/or pretentious would be an obvious choice for a traditional mastermind-type supervillain rather than two obscure (not very masculine) classics that only have one thing in common: themes of sexual obsession and pedophilia.

Lolita is the story of a pedophile who uses his power as a step-father to groom and sexually abuse a child. Alice in Wonderland, while not having explicit pedophilic content, was written by a suspected pedophile and is obsessively focused on a child that there are photographs of the author kissing on the mouth. These are the two novels Lex relates to enough to quote them casually off the top of his head.

3.) The “it’s cherry” scene

So this is obviously a sexual innuendo but the question is, why this guy? This character is utterly unimportant on his own and this doesn’t affect anything plot-wise which means this action is entirely about characterizing Lex. What are they trying to communicate here? This guy represents a figure similar to Lex’s father, an older businessman who behaved as if he had authority over Lex, and Lex’s instinct to that is to assert dominance in a sexually suggestive manner. This establishes Lex as a character who uses sexuality to dominate and make others uncomfortable, and relates it to a man who who represents his father.

4.) Two Versions Of The Same Scene

Lex caressing Zod’s face directly parallels him caressing around Clark’s face, even the framing is identical. I think these are two versions of Lex confronting Superman, one with the actual Superman where he has to keep his distance and put on a callous front, and the other with a Kryptonian corpse he can project Superman onto. The scene with Zod I think shows how Lex truly feels about Clark. “You flew too close to the sun” he’s saying this and crying as he’s creating a monster to kill Clark which makes me think those words were not for Zod but the god he feels he has to kill. There’s no reason for Lex to cry for Zod, Lex has no relationship with him, it’s much more coherent that this scene is using Zod’s body as a substitute for what Lex can’t express to the real Superman.

EDIT: Upon rewatch I noticed a small moment where the Jolly Rancher Dude (I don’t think he has a name lol?) says with a smile “You want Zod’s body?” and Lex goes “Okay”, it’s a very playful interaction and it I think strengthens the connection between Zod’s body being an implied sex symbol of Superman.

4.5.) The Sexual Tension In The Rooftop Scene

Every moment of the rooftop scene (and all of this film) is so multilayered and intense, I could talk about it for hours but I want to talk a little more about the moment in the above gif.

Seconds before this, Lex was wagging his fingers inches for Superman’s glowing laser eyes but now when he knows Clark isn’t going to attack him, he won’t touch him? Lex is less afraid of having his fingers burned off than he is to touch Clark’s head knowing that he won’t do anything. Because Lex would be happy if Superman burned him, that would prove him right and give him an easy category to put Clark in but letting himself touch Clark in an ‘affectionate’ manner is terrifying.

A straight male villain that just wanted to use physical contact to assert dominance over the hero would have touched Clark here (and also would have no reason to caress Zod’s dead body) but Lex can’t even though he’s literally trembling with desire to and we know for a fact he’s not afraid of invading Clark’s personal space in an even more physically dangerous moment.

5.) The Dual Realities Of An Abused Child

“If God is all good then he cannot be all powerful.”

Now, I’m not an expert in psychology but I will do my best to articulate this. When someone, especially a child, is abused by someone they love it creates an extreme paradox in their mind. They love this person and they have to trust them but they also have to fear them, their brains are forced to compartmentalize when this person is a threat vs when they are a protector. In some cases, like Lex’s, this can lead to someone entirely thinking in absolutes and dualities.

It’s a consistent theme in Lex’s dialogue that he thinks in absolutes. The cornerstone of his ideology is people have to be “all good” or “all powerful” when really no one is either, there arguably is no such thing as either.

It’s also a theme that he has dual views of people in his life, the most prominent being his father and Superman. In one scene he’s reminiscing about wishing his dad would come back, in another he’s emotionally describing the abuse he inflicted. And Lex does the same with Clark as explained in point 4.

Lex even seems to have a dual view of himself. In the rooftop scene he points to himself as “the evil in the world” but his speech about Prometheus at the party is clearly meant to illustrate that he sees himself as a misunderstood savior of humanity (this is even confirmed in the bonus material).

6.) Internalized Homophobia

“I don’t hate the sinner, I hate the sin.”

Two things are important to me with this line. First is that it reinforces point 5 but also this is a very, very common phrase in homophobic rhetoric so for him to say this and gesture to Clark’s body as the “sin” has implications. And yes, yes, I know he meant that Clark’s powers are a sin but things can have double meanings and I sincerely doubt that anyone making a movie in the western world’s current political climate wouldn’t realize that phrase is strongly linked to homophobia.

To elaborate on how it reinforces 5: Lex is openly saying that he doesn’t hate Clark, he just hates his power, which brings us back to the idea of an abuse victim’s dual reality. It’s Clark’s power that is the threat to him but he can still love Clark, same way his father’s abuse was a threat but he can still love his father. Note: Lex calls Clark “my friend” and “Clark Joe” and similar affectionate names throughout their interactions which I think suggests that Lex sees Clark as partially a person.

7.) Conclusion

DCEU’s Lex Luthor was a fresh, contemporary take on the character so it was a jarring difference from the Lex we’ve seen in other recent mainstream media. I also think it was upsetting partially because it took away Lex as a male power fantasy; a buff, suave billionaire who’s hyper masculine and doesn’t let anything get to him including his canonical abuse. Now we’ve got this definitely charming and silver-tongued but effeminate and deeply traumatized Lex that I think is much, much more dynamic and compelling (and definitely fits this universe) but was uncomfortable for people that were attached to the charecter as a male power fantasy.

Nevertheless we need more villains like this. That can be both intimidating and vulnerable, that are human and offer a real ideological opposition to the hero. BvS could not have been the story it is without this Lex. BvS is a brilliant and nuanced film about how fear and trauma affects people’s worldviews, which is an important thing to explore when you have a Superhero that is the embodiment of hope. It’s important to show that not everyone can have hope so easily and to humanize those people.

Anyways this post is really long and I could literally talk for days about DCEU and this film especially so thanks for reading, please be respectful in the notes.

[ziracona]

What has been your favorite ilm chapter to write? Your least favorite? Do you have any interesting fun facts that were in cut pieces? I love this fic and the research put in is astounding. You put so much love into this. I'm glad to have been a reader :)

Thank you so much for asking this, and I’m really happy you have liked it! : ) Researching all kinds of wild stuff has been one of the most fun parts. (I’m holding the start of the answer to each question you asked, bc I talked about the first one for a while lol).

I do have a favourite chapter! I think to read, it would be a lot harder question, and there’d be a bunch of chapters tied, but as an author, my favourite chapter is most definitely Speak for the Dead. I have a lot of favourite moments and chapters, but that’s the one I’m most proud of. There’s a really rare thing in writing I call “script perfection,” which is not like, a perfect script in comparison to other scripts, it just means the version of the script that got shot/published was the best version of that particular script there ever could have been. It’s incredibly rare, and very hard to do. Even with films and shows I love, usually there will be seconds, sometimes minutes, off and on, that are the best version of those seconds there could have ever been. And the rest of it is great! It’s maybe the second or third or eighth-best it could have been, and that’s still super impressive--like man--eigth-best is still so close to 1st, eigth best is freaking phenomenal. It’s something to be really proud of. But that’s as high as it almost ever gets. For anything. Only extremely rarely is an entire script at 96% or above on script perfection. (I would say for reference that Galaxy Quest and The Incredibles are two such films).

It isn’t the most important part of a script or a story at all. Not by a huge amount. The quality of the story itself is. I have plenty of films that never hit 90% or above script perfection that I still prefer over films that did (like, Galaxy Quest is an amazing film, and I’m in awe that it hit that level of refinement, but I still like The Two Towers, which definitely did not, better. Because Sam’s speech at the end of it is enough to power me for a whole year). But it’s still such a rare thing. And god, it’s hard. Any kind of media is done on some kind of budget (be it financial or energy or both), and time constraint, and also it’s just not easy to do. Again, true-final-draft achievement (which is probably a better name for this bc it’s less confusing) is far from the most important or valuable aspect of a film, or play, or book, and it’s not necessary to make a story amazing. But it’s still always /so/ cool to see. It’s cool to see a nine minute continuous stretch of it even, on screen. And out of all the chapters I’ve written, the only one I think hit true-final-draft at least 96% or above, was Speak for the Dead. And that’s not embarrassing or anything. It’s wild. And I’m super proud of that. I’m proud I got even one. Because a lot of even my favourite books don’t. They just have perfected scenes, and a lot of them, but are not the best draft they could have been. Which does absolutely nothing to negate their worth as phenomenal books, but. I’m really, really proud of Speak for the Dead, and very happy with myself for having been able to do that at least once. I kind of treasure that.

It’s also a special chapter to me, because I had it only very loosely outlined/planned for at all, and it kind of came together on its own, and everything just came together and fell into place just right, and this chapter I had been really unsure of before starting turned into my favourite one in the entire fic. I like what I write, and I enjoy reading it myself, but there’s a line in Speak for the Dead where Tapp is trying to explain everything to Meg, about himself and his past and his family, and he’s been going through this like, awful mass of confusion and trauma and guilt and regret that’s all come to a head in this one day, and he’s found out who Amanda is and can’t deal with that and the person he knew, and the way Sing died, the choices she went on to make, and there’s so much even he doesn’t understand about how the world is falling apart around him, but somehow he figures it out enough to say it to Meg. And he has a line: “You’re supposed to stay late and work the extra eight hours overnight to catch the killer so somebody doesn’t die; you’re not supposed to go home to your family and give your kid a hug. It’s not as important, in an equation. It was my responsibility. And I didn’t get that the other job had its own set of rules. That the cop’s supposed to let the bus with his partner fall, but the dad’s supposed to let the fifteen people go and save his kid—he’s supposed to go running through crowded subway tunnels chased by gunmen, consequences be damned, to get them away from where his kid’s hiding. I didn’t get it. I don’t know why. I loved him right, but I didn’t act like it, because I thought I was doing the right thing. But if everybody’s just numbers, you lose anything that matters, no matter how high the numbers go up. And you don’t realize until it’s way too late that you do just as much good really helping one person you signed on to protect as you could have ever done bouncing off the lives of a hundred people who go on to be the next Jigsaw.”

And like. I fucking love that line. God. It’s such a hard thing to articulate, what he’s going through in that moment, and I try, but I think I often don’t do as good a job. But every time I read that last line it’s like a gut punch. And I really love it. How the fuck could you possibly feel after going through the experience he’s just had? It’s such a specific, indescribable kind of big, whole-world-view devestating.

There’s also a lot of really sweet moments with Meg, and Adam drugged and injured but trying really hard to help, and it’s a super understated chapter in a lot of the moments? Tapp’s one of my favourites to write, because of the way he thinks. He tries so hard to be lawful good in a world where there’s just no law at all anymore. And he’s older by far than anyone else, and thinks about the world that way. Honestly, it’s one of the most serious chapters. It’s less graphic than say Proven or The End of the Line, but it deals with some very not remotely fantastic and not pretty themes. It’s heavy. But I like the way it tells itself. I enjoy working in references when they make things fun, or better, or more meaningful, and I got to do that a lot. Plus, it gave Ace and Tapp a bunch of one-on-one time they didn’t really get on-screen as much in any of the rest of the fic, but I really loved it. The way they try to look after the people they care for, and how they understand each other. I just really fucking loved that chapter. Also, Tapp beat someone to death with a reverse bear trap that was still attached to his head so he could save Meg from dying in a way that would be super lastingly traumatic, and if that’s not the most metal thing I’ve ever heard? I really love Tapp. And I love that he sticks to the things he does. Meg never learns what Amanda was going to do to her, not in fic, not after. And Tapp does change how he does things are talking to Meg at the end of that chapter. Tapp’s the one who immediately says they can’t go public with any information on Rin until she’s passed on, even though it could really help them prove their case and hypothetically better protect the world, because he’s not willing to see a kid forced to revert to being violent and feral against her will in self-defense, or locked up in a government black site to get that. He did good. Life has not been kind to this poor man, but thankfully, Meg Thomas has.

Least favourite? Way harder. Hmmm. Always whichever one I wrote most recently 😂

In complete seriousness, I don’t think I have one? I have like 6 I consider “slightly-less-interesting” than the rest, but I don’t have one I hate period, or just dislike a lot. Uhhhh. If I had to pick one right now, I’d say Core Essentials, because I haven’t read it in over a year and don’t remember it as well as many others, and of the small number of chapters in the “Damn, been a hot minute, huh?” group, it’s the one I remember the least. This rating may change next time I actually read it, lol.

Hmmm. Interesting fun facts in cut segments. In the original draft for Shrouded, Claudette went into Philip’s basement and got a really good look at the other side of the wall, through one of the cracks, and saw the Entity and almost gave herself a panic attack. The other side of the basement wall was described as looking like the sun, like just looking at light, but only at first, and then there was movement like a snake coiling or some huge creatuer deep underwater sliding across your vision, too big to see, but alive in there in the middle of the light, and moving around, and it horrified her. It was extremely creepy but pretty cool.

The original draft for The Wraith included Philip experiencing fragmented audio memories from Signifying Nothing/his time with Vigo & co. while he was mostly unconscious. It was really cool and I forgot because I haven’t read it in forever, but it hinted at /way/ more of the plot to those past events. I really liked the draft, but ended up changing it into what was published because I’d never done anything with his memories before, and I didn’t want to disorient the reader too much (probably a good call, but it was still a neat scene in the OG form).

It’s not in the fic, but canonically, after leaving the survivors camp at the end of The Wraith, Philip came up with his plan to leave himself a message in the bell, and then called the Entity. Trying to talk his way out immediately failed, and it was shitty to him and pissed him off, and Philip had considered what might work on something like the Entity before calling it, and knew he was dead either way, so he tried to fight it. More to see if it would work than anything. He knew he would forget it even if he did, but sometimes impulses lingered, and it was possible if it worked, it would help him think of it again. He used his blood and drew a protective symbol against demons on his palm without it noticing, then rushed it, and it wasn’t scared of him so it didn’t give a fuck, but he smacked it with the charm and that actually succeeded in burning its talon (very little, but enough to cause it actual pain) and it flipped out and got extremely angry, and immediately stabbed him through the skull, which is why he returned with that chunk of his mask gone and has a scar on his forehead now. Originally, I was considering writing some of the events between The Wraith and Dawn from Philip’s POV, but decided it was much better sticking with the survivors and their uncertainty completely. Got to live in the anxiety baybeeee.

I’m sure there’s more but you activated my trap card asking about Speak for the Dead - a special interest- and I already made this long, so I should stop for now. Thank you again so much for asking! I hope my answers made sense are we’re at least kinda enjoyable to read. 💙💙💙

[in-tua-deep]

Does Reginald ever get ahold of Five in your Responsible Luther AU? And how does he plan to stop Five from causing the apocalypse once he does? I just really want to see a scene where the siblings team up to save their little brother and stop their father once and for all (and possibly the commission by extension).

good question!! i haven’t decided lmao but I mean probably?? Reggie has four years to try and get at Five after all and Hazel and Cha-Cha are professionals (though at some point Hazel defects and is probably adopted as the weird murder uncle who on at least one occasion babysits bodyguards Five while the sibs are off doing stuff - Agnes things he’s a sweet young man while Hazel has vivid flashbacks of the time Five consumed a boatload of sugar and made his powers go on the fritz right before a kidnapping attempt which was,, not pretty to say the least and Hazel is somewhat traumatized)

awful bold of anyone to assume i actually have this au mapped out when it’s literally a bunch of asks duct taped together whenever inspiration hits my fragile muse with a sledgehammer and tbh just typing my way through asks helps me figure out things like later on in this ask lmao

While the most intelligent thing for Reginald to do is hire Hazel and Cha-Cha to assassinate Five, this is also the man whose grand plan to stop the apocalypse was a task force of superpowered children that he abused so i’m not assigning him any brain cells at all BUT he does think that he’s all powerful with his plots and tends to assume everything is going to go according to his plans and overestimates his own intelligence so

he thinks he can contain Five which probably would involve using the same drugs (or a modified one because idk if it would affect all the kids the same) that he used on Vanya since that’s a more long term solution that just restraints after all and then?? probably a lot of mind games and messing with Five’s reality to try and make sure that Five is not going to be ending the world

of course, given the chance Five would probably point out that his power is jumping and he’s pretty sure he doesn’t know how to end the world with that power?? unless he like? managed to jump himself into some place he could use,,, idk,,, nuclear launch codes or something?

though now that I think about it, it’s entirely possible that Reginald isn’t the one who wants Five alive. It’s entirely possible that it’s the Handler who smiled with too many teeth as she told Reginald that Five was the catalyst for ending the world. After all she’s with the Commission who help the timeline. Of course they don’t want the apocalypse to happen. Why, then there would be no people to help! But if Reginald handed Five over to her, over to the Commission - well. He’s young, he’s already half-trained, he knows how to survive, and he has the ability to jump through time without a suitcase which is very interesting to the Commission.

and Reginald doesn’t really want to kill anyone and get his own hands dirty otherwise he would have disposed of Vanya years ago so he’s down to grab Five and do some gentle experimentation regarding drugs and then hand a Five (with an off switch) over to the Commission and save the world! yeah that makes sense to me we’re going with that because it also gives the Handler a dog in this race so we get to see her

honestly probably the culmination of everything is Five getting finally Officially Kidnapped and handed over to the Commission and finding out at the Commission about the apocalypse, the Commission’s role in it, and probably the Handler monologues about it not being the end of everything and Five getting in the way but with him removed the family will fall apart and Vanya causing the apocalypse will be back on track blah blah blah all they have to do is pull some strings, get Harold Jenkins released from prison right on time, and bam we’re back on schedule ladies and gents

(plus some general weirdness a la the handler plus a deeply uncomfortable and not-inclined-to-be-very-cooperative Five who might not have his powers but he doesn’t exactly need them to be dangerous thank-you-very-much)

and the squad 100% run down weird-sort-of-honorary-uncle Hazel who is in possession of one (1) suitcase that is capable of taking the whole squad on over to the Commission building with a sort of reluctant Hazel because Agnes is attached to the kid now (Agnes is the best honorary aunt and you can’t change my mind) so he guesses he has to help out

someone send me an ask about weird uncle Hazel and aunt Agnes that is 100% an avenue I need to explore at some point

but yeah team up to invade the Commission and wreak absolute havoc and Five probably ends up worming his way into some air ducts because he’s a skinny little thirteen year old with narrow shoulders and then no one has eyes on him including the Handler/Commission agents so just picture a really comical series where the squad are trying to find Five and keep only just missing him while Five isn’t really sure why all the alarms are going off but he’s trying to figure out more info about the apocalypse as well as figure out a way to get home (find the suitcase room??) while also having a panic attack at the same time!! fun times!

eventually what probably happens is they catch the Handler and try interrogate her and she’s giving them non answers and then Five literally falls out of the ceiling with like, a whole bag of files that just scatter around and everyone just stares at each other for a solid minute before Five is pulled into a frantic “YOU’RE ALIVE” hug by the closest person who isn’t Hazel

but Five ALSO has a whole bunch of explosives and weapons that he may or may not have obtained from the Handler’s office because he’s a secretly petty little shit and he’s been using them to take out Commission agents along his way but the point is the whole squad blow the Commission sky high?? or perhaps Five discovers another aspect of his power

after all, the Commission sits outside of time. It’s a pocket, and Five is capable of tearing through space and time, but most importantly he closes that tear after him. It’s not an aspect of his power that he thinks about often, in fact no one thinks about it. He doesn’t just make tears, he also repairs them. And what is this pocket but an open wound in time, sitting outside the time stream as it is? The Commission is not supposed to be and Five has the power to fix that

(he’s been on edge since he arrived, a crawling feeling under his skin. he assumed that it was because of the kidnapping, because the Handler kept touching him and making comments, because he just saw his father who scares him more than even the apocalypse, because his power is out of reach and reminding him of when he pushed and pushed amongst the rubble and there’s an itch under his skin from the drugs. there’s a million reasons for him to feel off that he doesn’t realize that it’s the wrongness of where he is, the rip carved into the world that begs for him to close it, to heal it)

so i think that might be a cool climax, destroying the Commission and then making sure it can never return ?? 

Vanya would absolutely fuck up the entire commission first though looking for Five it would be hilarious and mildly terrifying and Klaus is just behind her like “yeah i’m going to say training her powers was a good thing otherwise we (the other hargreeves plus Hazel) would probably be paste right now” while Ben frantically zips through the walls trying to find Five while the other losers are limited by walls (of course, Ben probably doesn’t think to zoom up in the vents whoops)

and then, when they go back with the one remaining briefcase (that they probably all destroy as the last remnants of the commission idk) they get a confrontation with Reginald

because I really liked Klaus’s whole thing with Reginald (“We were just little kids.”) and feel like the rest of the family?? probably needs that closure as well tbh 

and i mean,, also the general spite of them informing Reginald (with proof a la the documents Five obtained) that it was Reginald’s fault the apocalypse happened in the first place due to his abuse and drugging of Vanya which caused her to have no support network and be influenced by Leonard Peabody/Harold Jenkins and that lmao Five was never the reason the world ended and in fact there was a lot riding on removing him from the equation so that it could happen in the first place

the satisfaction of telling the man behind the curtain, the man who thinks he holds all the cards, the man who thinks he’s the puppeteer, that he was played like that’s satisfying

(Reginald, verbally eviscerated and pale as milk in the face of the kids accusations and revelations

Five: hey so like if we’re all saying our piece then uhhh I want mom in the divorce. the disowning? whatever this is

Diego: seconded

Five: and also dad?? i never want to see you again

Luther: also seconded

Five: also i want us to be able to get our stuff like luther’s records ‘n stuff

Vanya: you know what let’s just put Five in charge of the official family split seems like he’s got all the right stuff in mind)

but yeah this is all vague story climax stuff that I haven’t gotten anything down in concrete yet?? i should probably put together a timeline since it seems like i’m eventually going to be actually writing this au and probably making a whole ‘verse to do little side stories for as well goodness

so yeah keep the questions and suggestions coming y’all i’m slow at responding but they do very much help me figure things out and since nothing is concrete by any means i’m always open to suggestions on what people do and don’t like about any directions I take or suggestions on how to make it better/make more sense ;3c

[grimnoire87]

I feel like people need to understand U.S. history to get why American minorities are very stressed about the possibility of a draft or a war with Iran. It is extremely frustrating to see how few people actually put effort into learning this even though they regularly make general criticisms about the US. Even a basic comprehension of U.S. current events would prepare someone to understand this. White Americans might be victimizing themselves but the rest of us are worried for a different reason and it needs to be recognized. And if you recognize it you probably can also understand why we bristle at the implication that we only benefit from a system that was built around enslaving or killing us or people who look like us, or why its so wrong to equate Soleimani to a black victim of police brutality.

People are able to have generalized discussions of US white supremacy and Imperialism but only in a way that reflects the last 50 years and only in a manner that treats it as just an external problem that never effects us here. Which is why folks sound so tone deaf when they talk about "Americans".

U.S. white supremacy was not built around fascism or the desire to police the rest of the world. Nor is Imperialism a US creation. Both takes are neo liberal ways to avoid responsibility and completely ahistorical.

Some context (warning, this will be a long post and might get redundant at times but I promise that there is a reason for it.):

Edited because I finally figured out how to install a break

The U.S. was, at one point, and English colony. It was "The New World" aka a just another colony in a long line European Imperialism. French, Spanish, and Dutch "explorers" also were making a mark on the continent. They were using and killing indigenous people and importing enslaved black people. Black and Native people have always been the first and most longstanding victims of U.S. agression. After the Revolutionary War, the new U.S. continued to expand, engaging in genocide against Black and Native peoples for hundreds if years. While the U.S. would eventually seek to expand its borders on the continent, in the beginning it was rather isolationist in regards to world affairs. Like Australia, their white supremacy was almost entirely "local" due to the nature of its origin, it wasn't powerful enough to take over entire countries on the other side of the world but it was powerful enough to murder and enslave people here .

White supremacy was central to that white American identity. American Exceptionalism and Manifest Destiny (and US Imperialism in general) sprung from this new identity as a "White Christian Nation". Its similar to how the "White Man's Burden" was used to justify British Imperialism in Africa and Asia.

That was a tangent but...anyways. U.S. identity has always been fostered by the idea of the "other". For whiteness to function it needs an other or a scapegoat. And how does this relate to the fear if another war? Well all you have to look at the Civil War.

Black people were made into scapegoats on both sides. The Draft Riots were race riots where Irish draftees went out and burned a black orphanage and killed men, women and children. It got worse after that war ended. Black people in the North were scapegoated for the war, draft, and taking lower paying jobs. In the South, they were scapegoated for the loss of the economic and political power that came from slavery. Thus white resentment led to black people being tortured and terrorized by their white neighbors. They hunted us. This would be a common pattern, and would happen anytime white people felt anxiety over a war, economic problems, loss of political power, etc. They would ride out and sooner or later a black person, family, or entire town would be lynched. We were surrounded by a majority who could do what they wanted to us.

It was the same thing after WWI. Black vets would come home and wind up being the sole defense against white mobs numbering in the hundreds. The Red Summer consisted of massacre after massacre. There were no consequences for the perpetrators. Survivors were put in camps or prison, none would be compensated. And yes, by this point U.S. imperialism had allowed white Americans to continue to slaughter Natives and steal Mexico, and go beyond its shores to start wars to see which Imperialist nation could colonize where.

The U.S. has loved scapegoating "others" to justify limiting rights, expanding its borders, taking resources and supporting white supremacy. It was as American as apple pie. Look at the Japanese Internment. When Timothy McVeigh committed the Oklahoma City bombing, no one blamed white fundamentalists. He was seen as an individual.

That's not what happened in 2001. On Sept. 11, 2001, after a cowardly attack that killed close to 3,000, white anxiety would lead to the scapegoating of another community in a manner similar to how black people were scapegoated for the Civil War. It didn't matter that this mass murder was orchestrated by Saudi Arabia, "9/11 was committed by Muslims", therefore it was open season. Regardless of the fact that Muslims died in the attack and were the primary victims of these terrorist groups in the Middle East. They were at fault simply because they appeared to be "Muslim". And the US already had an issue with Islam because of its role in black civil rights. So that attack just made it worse and shifted the vitriol away from black Muslims and towards all Muslims. Folks would go out and hunt for Muslims and people would justify it. Mosques were being targeted in a manner similar to black churches in the South. They were criminalized into terrorists. And the Iraq War would only make this worse and create refugees that would come here and be scapegoated all over again. After the Pulse shooting white people railed against Muslims and Black Lives Matter, but Dylann Roof was just one person.

We have had laws passed that scrapped civil liberties, Trump had a Muslim travel ban list, ICE is actively detaining and deporting brown and black people, and modern weaponry and lax gun laws allow people to commit mass murder on a scale never seen before. White supremacists and Islamophobes have already killed people for "looking like Muslims". Black people are being killed by the thousands every year and we have to convince people we don't deserve to be murdered. People going out and assaulting/killing Jewish people. There is a lot to be anxious about over because white American aggression is not purely an external problem.

White anxiety and scapegoating gets people killed. Daily. And white Americans (just like Europeans) LOVE to take their frustrations out on a scapegoats and always have. Because U.S. white supremacy is built around the idea that whiteness entitles you to privilege and if you lack it than its someone else's fault and you have the right to hurt them for it.

And that is a very stressful reality when you are a minority surrounded by people with the privilege and power to harm you whenever they feel a little anxious. Especially when you have someone like Trump in power (unlike Obama he surrounded himself with white supremacists, courts them, and sics them on people). It doesn't matter whether there is a war or just an escalation of tensions. No matter whether there is a draft or not, you always be vulnerable to a white supremacist with an assault rifle who can walk into a Mosque and murder you by the dozen. U.S. history has set a precedent.

And imagine the horror of a draft! Imagine everyone between the ages of 18-35 being told they are in a lottery and if picked have to go to war (and potentially commit war crimes) or go to jail in a country that loves for profit prisons, locks up minorities, kills black and Native detainees and pardons people who murder prisoners of war. Use common sense. It is perfectly reasonable to be nervous about a draft here and you can't call people immoral for joining the military and then turn around and call kids selfish for being scared of being forced to do so. And a draft would only fan the flames of white resentment here just like what happened during the earlier drafts. There would be war crimes against Iranians, for sure. A draft would be awful. No one should be joking about it. It would be horrifying.

I was vague about it before because I figured that asking for empathy would be enough but it isn't. A lot of people talking about the Suleiman strike are far removed from U.S. white supremacy and don't necessarily understand our anxieties and it shows in how they talk about the situation and who "benefits". The fact that they think American minorities (especially Muslims) won't face *any* backlash or consequences for Trump's actions here is evidence enough.

This isn't an attempt to paint Americans into the victim of this situation with Iran. To do so would be despicable. And joking about it is in poor taste and can come off as cruel even if US minorities do it to cope with our reality here.

But acknowledging that U.S. minorities (including Iranian and Iraqi immigrants and refugees) will be at risk isn't taking away from Iranians or Iraqis in the Middle East. American minorities are here because of U.S. and European Imperialism. And it is a fact that Imperialism will lead to more deaths in an already traumatized region and it is a fact that white supremacy will put people in a precarious position here where they are more vulnerable to white aggression all year round. Both are true. Its not a competition and seeing US minorities talk about it shouldn't be bothering you because both are symptoms of the same problem.

Kind of a tl;dr: American minorities aren't being selfish (or US centric) by talking about their fears of war with Iran and a draft because many will be more vulnerable than they already are and U.S. history has demonstrated why these fears are valid. Learn it. It explains a lot of why we do what we do. Also a draft would terrible for Americans and devastating for Iranians (i.e. look at Vietnam). There us a difference between white Americans victimizing themselves and American PoC being worried about what this situation means for them. Learn the difference; those disclaimers are necessary for a reason. You dont show someone empathy by denying it to others, I wish more progressives figured this out. Its not a competition or ideological chess. People could and probably will die and its scary to be surrounded by angry white people just looking for an excuse (like a war).

[rainbow-sides]

It won't be 2019 for another 3 hours where I live and the passing of time and dates and when we start a new year in our calendar is all just a construct anyway, but I thought it would probably be a good idea for me to talk about where I've been and where I'm going on this blog. Putting it under a read-more because it got very long.

Warning, I'll be talking about death, depression, dropping out of school, and suicidal thoughts.

A hell of a lot has happened since last New Year's Day for me. Last January, one of my best friends was killed. It was unexpected, a shock, traumatizing for everyone who knew him. I had seen him only three days previously, happy and healthy and excited about his plans for life. I had just landed in the airport going back to school 3000 miles away when I got the call, and it absolutely shattered me. I was a wreck: depressed, having nightmares and panic attacks about other people I loved dying in ways that were just as horrible as how he died.

I tried to do well in school--I was taking a biology class, a photography class, and a novel writing class. But I was sleeping constantly. I couldn't focus. I alternated between eating too much and not eating enough. I had no good friends at school and I was 3000 miles away from my support system. I couldn't afford the time and money to go home for my friend's memorial service. I was a complete wreck, but after about the first week of being there when I couldn't stop crying and I missed my first day of classes, I looked fine from the outside. I'm a very good actor. I knew how to make the school counselors think I was doing great, how to make my parents think I was fine so they wouldn't worry as much about me.

But I couldn't handle school anymore. I had already been considering taking some time off from school to figure out a direction in life because I felt aimless (as many 18-19 year olds do, I know) and I wasn't functioning very well in a classroom environment. My friend dying brought everything to a point where I couldn't even return for spring term to finish the year. I was going to drop out.

And then sometime in early February, after CLBG? came out, I decided to watch the Sanders Sides series. I had heard about it and thought it sounded interesting. So I watched it over a span of two days. Moving On happened, and I was sobbing on the bottom bunk with a pillow against my face so I didn't wake up my roommate (I had done a lot of that over the term). Once I had finished the series, I made a post on my main blog wondering if there was a fandom and fanwork to consume because I wanted more. I eventually found my way into the community, and it was one of the best things I've ever done.

I started writing. I wrote Sunshine and Foils, and I wrote one-shots, and I got feedback like I had never gotten before. The community was more active and loving and supportive than any other fandom I'd ever been in. (Sure, we have some problems, but it's still an incredible community.) I was writing for fun for the first time since my friend had died, and I wrote to cope. I wrote Anomalies. I wrote about grief, about how a loved one dying changes everything. I made friends, amazing friends. (Hey you, you know who you are 💙.)

Term ended. I went home. I won't bore you with the details, because nothing happened. I spent 7 months sitting and sleeping and writing and being depressed and being unsure if I was ever going to want anything out of life ever again. It all seemed pointless. I wrote Stay in the Equation.

In October, just before Halloween, I got a job. I'm now a teacher, sort of. I don't have a degree, I'm not credentialed, but I work as a special education aid in a 7th/8th grade Resource Specialist classroom, helping students who need extra help, time, and accommodations in their classes. I work at the middle school I went to, seeing some of my old teachers and still calling them by their last name because calling my old amazing biology teacher Justin just seems so...wrong.

I wrote a bit more on my original novel that I hadn't worked on at all since last year, since before my friend died. I've written some songs with my sister. I came out as trans to my parents and sister and friends, and I go by my correct name at work.

My students call me Martin. They don't know me as anything else. They tell me I should become a science teacher because they love it when I go off on tangents helping them with their science homework. Sometimes I think they're right. 13 year olds have an instinct for that sort of thing. It's before society has completely wiped any originality and creative thinking out of their heads, which is why I like that age group. I still have time to help them stay who they are, to help them grow, to guide them carefully away from their "I'm better than my peers because I don't use slang words or say 'like' all the time" phase. I'm helping. I have a routine, which is good for me. I walk a mile to work every week day, which is also good for me.

And after another year and a half of teaching there and maybe taking some gen-ed classes at a community college, I think I might go back to school full time and study marine biology in Monterey, much closer to home than my previous school. Get a single subject teaching credential and teach 13-year olds that mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. And during the summers, maybe I'll do the research and/or conservation education that I want to do. I might publish my book. I might make more music. I don't know.

But I do know that without this community to dive into headfirst, to lose myself in creating something for people other than me, I wouldn't have gotten back on my feet. I owe so much to everyone who read any of my fics, who liked and reblogged and especially those who took the time to comment or message me about it. You kept me going.

The anniversary of my friend's death is this coming Sunday. It's already hard, and I'm feeling the anniversary effect. I've had a lot of anxiety these past few weeks, and it will probably only get worse as the days pass. My hands are shaking a little bit as I type this. Part of me just wants to curl up and hide from the world forever, and I'm sure I'll be doing some of that. But I'll be okay. The time will keep passing, and I'll get further away from the rawness of the pain and the anger about how he died until it doesn't consume me when I think about him. I just want to thank you for being there with me.

I'm going to post the final chapter of Anomalies soon. It's the story I wrote to most directly cope with my friend's death apart from a few that were too personal for me to ever share. Maybe it's silly, but I feel a little bit as if posting it will bring me some kind of closure. Probably won't actually help--the pain and the anger are too real and too big for much closure to come from a story I wrote--but maybe it will. Maybe it will.

Okay, I'm going to go do that now. I hope you all have a lovely New Year. Please stay safe. May 2019 bring you a better part of your life than 2018 brought you. I sure hope it will for me.

Much love. 💙 ~Martin

[heyytalia]

hi Bianca, I read your 'about' page and wanted to reach out to you since it really spoke to me. in 2014 I had a traumatic event and got professionally diagnosed with the same disorders you mentioned, as well as insomnia. I feel like I should be over my trauma by now and I'm just so frustrated at how I feel stuck in place. I always regret not being a stronger person at the time. I think if I'd had a different mindset or a better support system (c.)

Anon, I can relate to you. I can relate so much.

Long letter to you under the “Keep Reading.”

First off, thank you for messaging me about all this. Doing so must have taken so much courage. I know how hard it is talking about these things. It’s scary and sometimes I don’t know how people are going to react when I tell them I have GAD/Depression, even when I’m speaking to another person with a similar diagnosis. Just being able to put words on paper, or in a message, takes every ounce of brainpower we’ve got. I’m going to try to use as much brainpower as I can to convey as best a response I can.

I was also kind of a nervous child as well. Extremely shy, kind of cowardly, helicopter-parented. But never to the extreme, just enough that I can safely say I’m not an extrovert. I wasn’t diagnosed or referred for anything psychological. By all accounts, I was considered “normal” (I hate that word in psychological connotations). But as I got older, I started having a lot of problems with stress. I started having migraines in high school. I started getting severe stomach pains before every exam. The stress got even worse at university when I went from being a straight-A student all my life to an A/B/C one and my self-esteem collapsed. I developed insomnia. I was homesick. I had a roommate dealing with alcoholism my sophomore year, and I was constantly worried for her health. That near-collision I had in 2014 (the one I mentioned in my About Me) was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was driving back from an internship interview (from which I was rejected anyway) when I took a protected left turn on a yellow arrow, and the light turned green and a car coming from the opposite direction at 50 MPH nearly hit me head on. If I hadn’t pressed the brakes at the right moment, I would have gone straight into the front of his blue Honda. I wasn’t the same after that. I don’t even remember driving home, the next thing I remember is sobbing hysterically as I open my front door. My mom was comforting, my dad thought I would just move on, my sister thought I was exaggerating. I didn’t sleep that night. The next few weeks, I almost felt like a zombie. Like I shouldn’t be alive. Like I should have died on that road. Several nights I woke up sweating, and I had this recurring dream of walking up to that same intersection, the site of a crash site, and staring at my dead body. These feelings were real, but I didn’t know that. I just kept getting worse and worse. I was diagnosed with GAD/Depression in August, after a week of panic attacks, hallucinations, and an ER visit in which I had to be sedated with a high Xanax dose. But I don’t think, until I got those first Lexapro and Clonazepam doses, that it really hit me I had GAD/Depression. And then I really ruminated on that, and the first thing was…

Guilt. I FELT IT, ANON. I felt it bad.

You’re not alone in feeling guilty about your diagnosis, anon. I think it’s almost a given to most of us with depression and anxiety. Our society dictates that people should be able to function a specific way, and when we can’t do it we feel excluded, shunned. Not to mention, a feeling of failure to our own families and friends. I had that and more, I felt I let everyone down. My family who I spent my entire life trying to make proud. My friends, my teachers, professors, everyone who ever believed in me. When I was young I felt like a bird, that I could fly anywhere. As if I was Icarus, ready to fly towards freedom and beyond. But that first bottle of Lexapro in my hands felt like a weight that brought me down to Earth. And I burned. And everything I loved, burned.

My love for all my favorite series literally became NUMB. I kept up with them, but I literally felt nothing for them. My archive for this blog for the Fall months of 2014 shows lots of cute Hetalia fanart, OFF fanart, maybe the occasional cute thing. I was a regular (still occasionally am) GIF editor for the Hetalia fandom, and still churned out the occasional one during this time. But it wasn’t me posting. It was my shell. I was afraid to let my personal struggles bleed into my healthy tumblr blog and ruin it, so I kept posting as if nothing was wrong. But it wasn’t the real me. The real me was waking up shaking, in sweat, on nights that weren’t filled with insomnia. The real me was learning how to eat solid food again (which I didn’t do until October, I believe). The real me was crying every day. If my blog was honest that year, every post would have been replaced with ramblings on fear and sadness. But I couldn’t do it, because I was afraid to scare my tumblr friends, and scared that they’d all shun me and call me crazy. And by perpetuating a lie that all was “fine,” I felt guilty. I always prided myself in being honest, and I felt like I was betraying myself as well as them, and the guilt hurt even more.

And when I was in those moments of guilt, I’d always ask to myself, “What did I do wrong?” “Did I do something to deserve this?” “Was there something I could have done?” I used to think that maybe if I’d been a bit more independent as a kid, I’d have thicker skin, and I wouldn’t be going through this. Or maybe if I’d been a better student, I would have had better grades, and my anxiety concerning my future would be lessened. Or, maybe, if I had been a better driver and avoided that near-collision. Or maybe, I could have made myself prettier, or made more friends, or lost a few pounds, or not accidentally hurt the feelings of that one girl on the playground in 6th grade that one time. None of this would have ever happened, and I’d be okay. And my family would be okay. Everything would be okay.

It’s almost like I was digging into myself, trying to justify in my mind why all this was happening to me. Trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Until one day, I heard some words said to me.

“Bianca, it’s not your fault.”

It was my mom who told me this, the first time. I had been crying and apologizing profusely over and over for what I was going through, a few days after my diagnosis. Telling her that I was sorry that she had to put up with an “insane” daughter like me, and wishing she had been blessed with a better daughter with no ailments, because she deserved better. But, my smart mom, instead of agreeing with what my fractured psyche had come up with, told me those words. And I cried. I didn’t fully believe her at the time, but the sentiment did stick in my brain like a seed, and I felt comfort. Of course, the guilt would come back a few days later, still strong, but I’d hear those words again and that seed would grow a little bit. The next time, a little bit more. More when I would hear those words in her arms. More when I’d hear those words from my dad. More when I’d hear those words from my therapist. More when I’d hear those words from my doctor. Until one day, something interesting happened. I realized the value of those words.

It’s not our fault. It’s not something we did wrong. It’s not something we should feel ashamed of. There’s nothing we did in our past that made us “deserve” depression and anxiety. One of the most important things I learned as a Psychology Major in university was that our brains, just like the rest of our bodies, don’t always work or look the way they’re supposed to. All of our brains are unique, and a combination of our own personal experience along with family genetics and the environment in which we live in make all of us different. It’s now commonly believed that some people are more prone to mental illness than others, just as how some people are more prone to heart conditions or diabetes. Nobody really knows why this is the case. It’s not really a science you can quantify or boil down to an equation. Sometimes, mental illness just…happens. There’s really no concrete explanation. You can dig and dig into your heart and mind and soul forever but you’ll never find one. It took a long time for me to realize this. That I wasn’t at blame for my depression/anxiety. That I didn’t do anything wrong. That just because my brain needed some extra help from medicine and doctors, didn’t mean I couldn’t be strong again.

Anon, sometimes our illness makes us feel like less of a person. But that’s just the depression talking. I always tell people, when you have GAD/Depression, there are two sides of you. One side is the real us, the one who loves and laughs and enjoys life as it is. The other side is the anxiety/depression itself. Sometimes, the second side “covers up” the first side and “pretends” to be us. That doesn’t mean the real side is lost forever, it’s just hiding. We just have to, pardon the language, call that GAD/Depression side out on its bullshit. Because the real us is the best us. The ones who fangirl over our favorite series and ships and stories. The ones who care for all of their friends and loved ones. The ones who aren’t afraid to try something new and be creative. Anon, I believe its still in you. You can still do it. You can still do all the things you love.

Your GAD/Depression may be an element in your life you weren’t expecting, but nobody can really predict such a thing happening anyway. Not even the most brilliant minds in the world can predict the future to a T. It was never your fault, Anon. Never. I want you to trust me on this. And I want you to love everything you love even stronger than you did before. Write those stories you want to write. Watch those series you’ve been meaning to catch up on. Draw to your heart’s content. Read some new books. Start a new craft. That love won’t come overnight, it might take months or even years (even now, I’m still learning to re-love all my favorite things again), but it will start to come. Take every day at a time, and don’t worry about the pace. Recovery varies from person to person. I myself am recovering very slowly, on the exact same dose of Lexapro I was on back in 2014, and I’ll probably be on the same dose for an indefinite amount of time. But the more and more I’ve accepted my diagnosis, the easier it gets.

I’ll leave you with some final tips which have helped me immensely:

1. Eat well! Lots of water, and healthy meals! Especially fruits and vegetables.2. Have certain activities to do during your “down” moods or anxiety attacks. I usually crochet while watching a relaxing tv show or movie.3. Exercise, even if it’s simple walks or stretches.4. Find somebody to talk to when you’re feeling sad, or write your feelings down in a journal. I find that expressing inner feelings can be very relaxing.5. Pet therapy! Go and pet a dog or cat. Some studies have found that spending time with cute animals can increase “happy” hormones in the brain, like dopamine and endorphins.

I hope I answered your message! If you have more questions, always feel free to ask. I wish you all the best, and all my blessings.

[sometimesrosy]

raven and miller killed when attacked. pike wasnt a character u root for. i think u missed my point though. i am not holding O accountable for her mistakes more than the others cause i dislike her. i dislike her cause she didnt learn anything from her mistakes they were erased & she didnt seek out forgiveness like the characters that i do root for. specially when it comes to bell. they made it seem like he was the only one the wrong he fought for a relationship with a sis who doesnt deserve him.

I didn’t miss your point. I disagree with the way the fandom turns characters into devils or angels and misses the story that is being told. And i disagree with your assertions about the story being told. 

If you don’t like Octavia, don’t like her. I don’t like her either. Her mistakes also aren’t being erased. She’s suicidal. She’s traumatized. She’s given up. She’s angry and upset and is nearly killed. She’s been called out for becoming like Pike. IT’S A JOURNEY. People say they won’t be happy until she verbally apologizes but it was never about that anyway. That’s just one signifier that the fandom has declared to be what they will accept, despite the fact that a spoke apology means nothing. Octavia said BELLAMY was the only skaikru guaranteed a spot in the bunker. She followed HIS advice. She told him she loved him. She had FAITH in him that he would come through. THESE WERE THE SIGNS that she had learned how to value her brother and it wasn’t forgiveness for what he had done, but an UNDERSTANDING of who he was as a person, and as a brother. So whatever, you’ve decided she doesn’t deserve him. That was you, not the narrative. 

 Where does this concept of characters ‘deserving’ better come from? Like, who said a character is in a story to get rewarded for stuff? Certainly not this kind of story. It’s just totally the wrong kind of story. This is his sister. How does she not deserve him? Because she’s angry and violent? Is this not Bellamy? Is he not also angry and violent? He’s learned to control himself, in part because he needed to control himself when he was responsible for her on the ark, but deserving doesn’t come into the equation unless we’re talking about some sort of points system where people pay in their good behavior to get good treatment back. And he was doing awful things when Octavia was running around trying to save everyone. Did she not “deserve” to be the one to lose it at some point? 

“They” didn’t make it seem like Bellamy was the only one who did wrong. FANDOM made that the interpretation. I never saw that at all.  Bellamy is the hero. He’s the one who has grown. “They” didn’t make him the only one wrong. THEY made him the hero who UNDERSTANDS what it means to work for redemption BECAUSE he’s the hero and because it isn’t easy and it has to be earned. He is the hero precisely because of how hard it is to earn that redemption and because he works so hard for it. She hasn’t earned it yet. But her story is not over yet. 

And you’re making excuses for which murders are okay and which aren’t. Octavia had valid reasons for all of her killings, sometimes more so than Bellamy had. Whether self defense or political or to save her people. 

Whatever.

I don’t care if you don’t like Octavia. It’s no skin off my back. But if you say Octavia is to blame for things you absolve your favorite characters for, then you’re not reading the story right. You have to treat them all the same way. If Bellamy can reach redemption, so can Octavia. WILL she reach redemption? I don’t know. That’s still to be discovered. 

Octavia is not dead yet, so that means she still has the opportunity to redeem herself. 

If you sit here and say you won’t accept her attempting to redeem herself, which she was trying in the last half of the season, then that’s your decision, but if you accept Bellamy’s or Clarke’s attempt at redemption when they have both killed FAR more people, sometimes more ruthlessly, then you need to treat her character the same. They live by the same rules. They both tortured Lincoln. But you’ve excused that. Octavia was against it, but you don’t give her points for that. Or how she tried to save people, the sky crew. How she tried to save Arkadia desptie everything they’d done to her. 

And btw both Miller and Raven were not only involved in Lincoln’s torture but were completely unmerciless about it. Miller MOCKED him while he was tied up, AFTER they got the antidote. Did you forget that? Is torture now okay? AND they both believed those slaves Bellamy saved should have been left behind for a tech that would have burned anyway. So. Just. You are ABSOLUTELY looking to excuse your faves for their heartlessness, and blaming Octavia for EVERYTHING she as failed at, while ignoring every time she tried to save people for FOUR seasons. And she did. A LOT. You at least recognize that Bellamy has failed and is trying to make up for it. You’re refusing to accept that Raven and Miller would ever do anything horrible at all, and they are BOTH stone cold killers. Make it go boom? She was EXCITED to blow people up. No moral ambiguity about it at all. I like her character. I like that she’s ruthless when she needs to be and feels little guilt, but I’m not going to pretend that she’s a cinnamon roll who wouldn’t hurt a fly. And I don’t really like Octavia, but I’m not going to pretend that she hasn’t tried again and again to do the right thing and save people and help them. I think she doesn’t always do it in the right ways, but she tries. 

I’m just tired of the fandom attitude that a character they don’t like deserves to die because they don’t fit the fanon idea of what their role should be. I don’t really feel like playing that game. It’s not the story being told and it’s not the way I understand stories. It’s really foreign to me and no matter how I explain my point of view, people are still talking about how Octavia doesn’t deserve her place in the story. 

Which doesn’t make sense to me, because her place in the story is a dark place and its conflict is necessary and we want her to learn how to be better and get redemption (or I do anyway) but if she doesn’t, that’s a different story and the only way to find out what her place in the story is, is to pay attention to it and try to figure it out, rather than let our personal feelings take over and just write her off.

If you want to hate her. Hate her. If you want to be angry at her. Be angry at her. But don’t erase her character or story. And don’t decide that it’s bad writing because you don’t like it. FIGURE OUT WHAT SENSE IT MAKES. If it doesn’t make sense looking at it from one perspective, look at it from another direction, and another until it DOES make sense. THEN you have your answer to her role. And make sure you aren’t erasing actual canon to do it. Including the actions of OTHER characters. 

And even if you come to understand it, you STILL don’t have to like her.