#not as good at the latter either ill be honest

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: INFP, 25. Feeling pretty lost in life. After a long battle with mental illness (runs in the family, I'm surrounded by people that as of now don't want to go to therapy and keep reliving the same patterns, hurting everyone who hasn't gone through the process I've - THANK GOODNESS - gone through thanks to therapy and medication), I find myself unemployed, without friends, without money, still studying for my degree (I'm almost finished though) and for the first time seeing things so, so clearly.

I wasted most of my teenage years trying to understand what the fuck was going on in my head, battling anorexia, depression and social anxiety - and the latter still has a big impact on the way I speak to people since words don't come to my head, plus depression really wrecked my memory and it can take a whole 20 minutes for me to remember a specific name that I wanted to bring up in a conversation. I feel like I'm cooked.

I don't hate myself nor I feel like I have low self-esteem; actually, I really like who I am when given the time and emotional space to make my true self and inner creativity shine. I think I could give a lot to people but because of a general lack of understanding of common references cause I was detached from everything most of my life and I've missed them all, I tend to be perceived as cringe/weird/naive/childish and none of my conversations are surviving past the first week.

I'm really trying hard to develop my vocabulary, catching up with tv shows characters or even basic history references, but it feels like a huge toll of notions that I can't possibly internalize in such a short amount of time. These people dedicated years (consciously or not) to common knowledge, their family members had culture and raised them to be curious about the world - I'm only now waking up and looking at the world for the first time, with the intention of developing my social and verbal skills.

Basically I need to step up my life and I don't feel like it's working cause everyone can tell I'm so behind and I'm not up their standards - especially in my age range, and considering my economic state. Whenever they ask "what's your job" or "what's your favorite music genre" and I can't really give them an answer to either, I feel ashamed. I know it's not my fault, I had to survive violence and ignorance growing up and I was never given the time to discover who I am or to become a functioning member of society or even feel "safe" enough to try ANYTHING, so yeah, I do have self-compassion, I guess - but others seem like they don't, and I'm so slow when I speak, I'm so slow when I wanna come up with a joke and in a social setting everyone looks at each other like they think I'm stupid.

Is there any advice you can give me? I know I can make it. I am exactly like everyone else, I can develop the same abilities and have a good future. Am I right? Or is this just some lie I'm telling myself? Am I deluded? Will people always look down on me and avoid me altogether?

--------------------

I'm not in a position to tell you that you're lying to yourself; it's something you need to determine through honest self-reflection. There's nothing wrong with talking yourself up in order to motivate yourself to do better. It's also a good thing to try to focus more on the positive aspects of life, especially when you have a history of getting stuck in negativity or narrow-mindedness. This would certainly help you with Ne development, which should be an ongoing project.

As far as I can tell, the root of the problem you're describing isn't psychological but social. Not everything in life is under our control. In fact, studies have consistently revealed that people are far more influenced by their social environment than they care to admit. You don't get to choose which family you're born into. As a child, you have no say in which neighborhood, city, or country you live in. Yet, upbringing, community, and culture are three major factors that influence the trajectory of your life, everyone's life.

If you're unlucky, you grow up experiencing a painful mismatch of personality and environment. And it is down to luck. You shouldn't fault yourself for accidents of birth. And you also can't really fault the "environment" because it's not really a conscious entity that intentionally sets out to harm people. Although the social environment is created by the people comprising it, it's not within any given individual's power to change or control it. This is why, historically, you see people migrate far from home, in search of better environments with better opportunities.

You're young and, because of your upbringing, you didn't really get a chance to participate properly in the world. This means you haven't really experienced firsthand just how big the world can be. There is such a diversity of people, places, and culture in the world, which I take to mean that there's a place for every person. Somewhere in the world, there's a place that will allow you to be your true self. Somewhere in the world, there's a place that will help bring out the best in you and allow you to contribute the best of yourself.

However, that place may or may not be where you were born and raised. When you feel like you don't fit in despite all your best efforts, it might help to ask whether this is really the place you're meant to be and the people you're meant to be associated with...

I've known a lot of immigrants in my lifetime, so I have taken part in many complicated discussions about how to fit in, culturally. Some people find it easier to pick up mainstream culture as they go, looking up references and remembering them as necessary. Some people like to be more prepared and put effort into studying cultural history. I've had a lot of people ask me for help getting to know western culture's most important artists, writers, books, musicians, songs, movies, and tv shows by decade.

It used to be easier to learn cultural knowledge when media was more centralized. Nowadays, people are more siloed, ironically because of social media. Subcultures abound, appearing and disappearing with short-lived social media trends. In today's chaotic media landscape, trying to keep up with the latest cultural trends isn't really worth the energy anymore because collective memory has become so short. What's the point of remembering a meme or viral event when most people will have forgotten it a month later?

What is one to do when faced with this kind of information overload? There are two helpful strategies that go together:

(1) Narrow Your Focus

One reason people are so interested in cultural knowledge is because culture is an important avenue of self-discovery. Have you ever noticed that when they put together a boy/girl band, they find four or five guys/gals with very different and distinct personalities? They're hoping to ensure that teenage listeners will find at least one band member to relate to on a deeper level. It's a way to cover all the bases and maximize the chances of turning someone into a fan. While it sounds like a cynical and calculated ploy, it's actually an important way for teenagers to learn more about their own likes/dislikes, in contrast to others.

One could argue that the reason we have so many genres in music, movies, tv shows, and literature is because of the diversity of human beings. We're all born with a personality that we express in our own unique way, which means we all have a propensity to like and dislike certain things. As much as I've tried to get into death metal, I just can't seem to resonate with it. And there's nothing wrong with that, as long as I'm not out there trying to stop other people from appreciating it. We are all entitled to our personal tastes.

You're hoping that by learning more cultural knowledge, some of those factoids will eventually pay off during a social interaction. But what are the odds that they will? Pretty low because it's too random. Is it really worth the energy spent in remembering all that information only for a small portion of it to come in handy at some random time in the future? Sure, there are people who have a head for remembering trivia, but if you're not one of them, it quickly becomes a waste of energy that could be better spent elsewhere.

But wastefulness aside, cramming yourself full of factoids isn't a good strategy for two reasons. Firstly, when learning is motivated solely by a desire to obtain external rewards (e.g. approval or money), people don't tend to achieve true mastery or genuine appreciation of the subject matter. In other words, it's a shallow way of learning that doesn't help memory retention, as you're finding out. Secondly, doing something just to impress others is basically contorting yourself to conform with other people's expectations. This doesn't help you learn about yourself, quite the opposite, it takes you farther and farther away from yourself, which is why it doesn't feel right.

While we often associate identity formation with adolescence, the fact is that learning about who you really are is a lifelong task. Thus, the question isn't about when you started (early or late), it's more about whether you're using a good approach that actually gets you incrementally closer to the truth of who you really are.

If participation in culture is an important pathway for learning about oneself, what you should be doing is exploring different aspects of culture to learn about potential likes, dislikes, interests, and hobbies. For example, you're not going to know whether you like horror movies until you watch a few. But once you've watched a representative sample of the genre and realize you don't like it, let it go and move onto something else.

It's almost as though you believe you have to know everything so that you can relate to anyone. I don't think this is a good or efficient socializing strategy, unless you love researching and have a great memory. You need to accept the fact that you're not going to be friends with everyone. It's okay that you're more compatible with some people more than others.

To improve your chances of social success, you have to know what you're looking for and how to find it. When you go fishing, you don't just throw a hook in the water and hope for the best, right? You have to use the right kind of bait. In the context of relationships, "bait" refers to the things that attract people to each other. One of the best and fastest ways of connecting with people is through common interests. However, this pathway won't be available to you as long as your interests aren't genuine or you haven't developed them properly.

(2) Prioritize Quality (Over Quantity)

One reason people feel easily inundated with too much information is lack of critical thinking skills. Critical thinking helps you sort through information and evaluate its quality. It's like learning how to quickly spot the rare diamonds amongst the pile of cheap shiny jewels. This also helps with the first point of narrowing your focus.

When you have a better idea of what you like or find intriguing, you open up opportunities to dig deeper and nurture a more sophisticated appreciation of the subject, to refine your tastes. A like/interest (feeling) can be transformed into an edifying intellectual pursuit (skill). But this can only happen if you value learning for its growth potential and not just for the social approval it might bring.

You seem a bit too concerned with how people judge you as a "weirdo". It could be the case that you've met some nasty people. But it could also be the case that you're projecting because you low-key feel ashamed of being "behind" in your development.

There's nothing wrong with being ignorant when it happens through no fault of your own. Nobody comes out of the womb knowing everything and we don't all have equal opportunity to learn what we need to know. It's pointless and illogical to compare yourself to others when you didn't begin life at the same starting line. And being human means having blind spots. Ignorance only becomes problematic when it is willful, that is, a person denies their ignorance and refuses to remedy it with proper learning. Given your motivation to learn, it's clear that you're not stuck in a state of willful ignorance, so there is nothing to feel ashamed about.

On occasion, people come to me asking about a psychology book they've read, only for me to break the bad news to them that it's a terrible book, full of misinformation. Should they then walk away and give up out of embarrassment? I sure hope not. I hope that they would learn to choose their learning resources more carefully.

The trouble with being a newbie is that you don't yet know enough to separate out the good stuff from the junk. To counter this, instead of becoming too reliant on one resource, communicate with a wide variety of people who seem to exhibit more knowledge than you. Eventually, you'll get a better feel for the quality of the knowledge. For example, if most experts are in general agreement, then you've probably stumbled upon trustworthy information. But when nobody can seem to agree on what the "truth" is, then be more careful.

Following from that, instead of slinking away in shame when you're caught not knowing something that seemingly "everybody should know", why not just be honest about not having had the chance to learn and welcome the person to enlighten you? Allow yourself to be humbly schooled. I can't tell you the amount of useful information I've picked up by simply letting people go on and on about their passions and interests.

Doing this could also take a lot of pressure off you, in terms of having the opportunity to: 1) sit back, relax, and listen, 2) learn and absorb information in a more natural setting, and 3) get some valuable tips about which direction to take your learning and where to find quality sources of information to speed up your learning. You might even get inspired to pursue something new and interesting.

The concept of "quality" also applies to people. Every person is a mixture of positive and negative qualities, but some people exhibit more of their negative qualities. When you meet people like that, it is fine to feel repelled and get away from them. But don't then overreact and overgeneralize and believe that everyone is bad.

If the people you're interacting with are truly judgmental jerks, it's better to find out sooner so that you don't end up in a toxic relationship. You truly like yourself? Then wear it proudly. Be open, authentic, and transparent about who you are and the struggles you've been through. Observe how willing people are to accept all of you. This should help you quickly separate out the good from the bad eggs. A good person should be:

empathetic and compassionate

willing to give you the benefit of the doubt

inclined to see and acknowledge the good in you

curious rather than judgmental

sensitive and accommodating, within reason

Every place has its good and bad people, and meeting new people is luck of the draw. When you meet bad people, there's no need to waste time with blame or anger. It's their problem, not yours. Simply walk away and keep looking for good people. And if your social environment isn't overflowing with your kind of people, you might have to migrate to a new and better environment.

Generally speaking, the process of improving yourself and your life goes a lot more smoothly when you know how to tune out noise and keep focused on your main goals.

[late-to-the-party-81]

Love, Lies & Electricity - Chapter 5

AN: Hello all! It’s time for Week 9 of @buckybarnesevents Hot Bucky Summer and the end of this story. If you’ve enjoyed it, then please feel free to leave comments or replies on chapters or send me asks about these two 😀. Catch up on the previous part here.

All the love and kisses in the world for @drabbles-mc as my beta and cheer-reader.

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Moodboard by me and dividers by @firefly-graphics

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Master List | HBS Master List

Challenges and Bingos: HBS week 9 - Free Week - Optional prompt of W - Wet

Summary: Now recovering mentally from everything that happened, you wonder if you should let Bucky back into your life.

Relationship: Bucky Barnes x Enhanced Reader

Word Count: 2k

CW: Hand-wavy science, Flashbacks, Bucky being charming, hopeful ending, fluff

It had been two months since you’d left the compound. Two months since you’d last seen Bucky. Three months since that ill-fated mission. It seemed strange, but slowly life was returning to some semblance of normal for you. You’d managed to get a little cash-in-hand job at a local diner to keep you busy and you were seeing a therapist that had been recommended by Dr Cho - one who you could be honest with without making any state secrets public.

One of the best things to have come out of the whole debacle was your new friendships. When you got a text one day from an unknown number it hadn’t taken you long to work out it was Yelena - you weren’t surprised that she’d managed to get hold of you. She and Kate had come to hang out with you a couple of times and it was both hilarious and uncomplicated. The girlfriends were so cute together even if they were opposite in many ways, but when Yelena smiled indulgently at her hyperactive partner, it made you believe in love again.

You also couldn’t deny you’d been thinking about Bucky. A lot. How could you not, given what he’d said before you left? You now understood why he hadn’t argued back with you when you’d confronted him - you’d been so full of hurt and anger there’s no way you would have believed him. Him walking away had been his way of giving you space.

You wondered if it was too late - whether you’d thrown it all away? So many times you’d held your phone in your hand, worrying your lip between your teeth, flip-flopping on a decision. However, on this sunny afternoon as you walked out of your therapist's office, the decision seemed clear. With one tap you unblocked his number and fired off a short text.

Y: Hey

You’d noticed the guy at the other table watching you for some time as you sat in your corner booth of the cafe, sipping your latte and reading your book. He probably thought he was being subtle, but he obviously had some kind of staring problem.

You wondered what he wanted. Also, there was something familiar about him, but you couldn’t place it, although you were certain he wasn’t one of them. You were good at identifying the ones who wanted to capture you - hurt you. There’d been a few over the past decade or so who’d tried - and failed - and this intense guy wasn’t one of them.

Observing him from your peripheral vision, you clocked how, once or twice, he looked as though he was about to get up and approach you, but then changed his mind. Additionally, he’d been nursing a glass of water for almost the full hour he’d been here and was on the receiving end of frustrated side-eye glances from the barista. Enough was enough.

Never one to be called a shrinking violet, even in your childhood, you shut your book with a hard snap, placing it in your bag. As you stood and eased your way out of your seat, Staring Man redirected his gaze down to his phone, scrolling down the screen in a manner that was overly nonchalant. Either he was the world’s worst stalker or he was being purposefully obvious. You had a feeling it was the latter.

The chair opposite him screeched across the floor as you pulled it out and sat down. He looked up at you as you extended your hand across the table, your own name falling from your lips. “Although I’m guessing you already know that,” you added. He had the good grace to look embarrassed - turning a very pretty shade of pink - and you guessed it was because you had been the one to actually initiate contact. He clasped your hand in his own and you noticed how his right hand was bare, but his left still had a glove on.

“I’m James,” he said. “James Barnes. Bucky.”

Oh, you thought, you mind recalling his name from news articles you’d seen. Now it all made sense - why he was here, why he looked familiar, and why he had one glove still on. You settled further into your seat. “So are you the spokesperson for the Hydra Weapon Rehabilitation Program?” 

His lips turned up at the edges. “Not quite, but something like that. We found details of your ‘time’ with Hydra, what they did to you, etcetera, and I thought that maybe I ought to reach out. Offer you the opportunity to talk to someone who can really understand. Friendship too, if you want. Kinda difficult to find someone with shared life experience.” He chuckled ruefully and plucked at a loose thread on his glove. 

You tilted your head to the side, thinking. Even before Hydra you’d been a loner, finding it difficult to make and keep friends. However, ever since your escape, you’d actually felt alone. Isolated. It might be nice to have someone to talk to in the middle of the night when the nightmares seemed all too real.

“That sounds… nice, Bucky. Maybe we could talk more?”

“Yeah?” he said with a raised brow and a charming smile.

You chuckled. “Yeah. However, you are gonna make up for your table hogging by buying me another latte, a grilled cheese sandwich, and a cake.”

His smile widened and it was as though the sun was lighting up the whole room. “Am I?”

“You are! That poor barista has been shooting you daggers for the last half hour.” 

It was his turn to laugh. “I did wonder why I was getting that itch between my shoulder blades. But it was worth it, to make a new friend.”

Your phone buzzed in your pocket and you called out that you were taking your break as you made your way through the back door of the diner. It was a text from Bucky - a silly meme of a white cat - and you smiled as you looked at it.

Since you’d reached out to him a few weeks ago, the pair of you had been texting most days, mostly innocuous stuff about annoying diner customers on your part, and Sam being a jerk on Bucky’s. Sometimes there was the odd response that could’ve been taken as flirtation and it felt good. Comfortable.

You sent back a laughing emoji and almost immediately another text came through.

B: Hey, I’m gonna be in the city tomorrow - got a meeting with Pepper. Was wondering if you wanted to meet for a drink. Maybe some food? If you want?

You started down at the message, your lower lip pulled between your teeth. You’d already taken one Bucky-related plunge recently - what was one more?

Y: I’d like that.

You laughed around your mouthful of dimsum, having to take a swig of your beer to wash it down, as Bucky finished his impersonation of Sam. The whole evening, since you’d met Bucky outside a bar just down from the diner you worked at, had been nice. It felt natural and easy, almost as though your break-up and the following months had never happened. It would be even easier to succumb to the idea - you were fairly certain that Bucky wanted to pick up from where you’d left off, but you weren’t certain that diving straight back in would be the best idea. That was even if you were interested, which again you weren’t certain you were.

When the meal was finished, both of you so full you thought the servers were going to have to roll the pair of you out the door, Bucky only put up a token resistance at you paying your half. You couldn’t help but flash him a cheeky smile in response to the eye roll he gave you when you pulled a handful of bills from your pocket - he knew it wasn’t worth pushing you on it. He’d told you before that you were too stubborn, much like someone else he knew.

As you go to the door, Bucky couldn’t rein back his gentlemanly instincts any more and opened it for you. However, as he peered out his expression changed from charming to concerned. It was raining and neither of you had an umbrella.

“Don’t worry, Buck,” you soothed with an enigmatic smile. “I got this.” You looped your right arm through the crook of his left, feeling the firmness of the vibranium through the leather of his jacket and let your power flow. You giggled at the way Bucky blinked as he was enclosed within your bubble. “Just stay close, or you’ll get wet,” you cautioned and walked out into the night, a supersoldier at your side.

Bucky was unusually quiet as you made your way down the sidewalk, although at one point he reached out with free hand to the edge of your barely visible forcefield. Only a small jerk let you know that he was affected by the small shock as his hand passed through it. When he pulled it back his glove was wet.

“Whatcha thinking, Buck?” you asked.

“Was wondering how you are able to do this now, when you couldn’t…you know… then?”

You rolled your eyes, but kept smiling. “Because I had time to do it. If I can put it in place before I get wet then I won’t get wet and have my powers shorted out. Hydra were well aware of that.”

“But what if you’re out and it just suddenly starts raining?” Bucky’s brow was drawn together in puzzlement.

“Well the odd splash or drop of rain doesn’t stop it working - normally I can shield myself before I get wet enough for it to affect my powers. I have been caught out on the odd occasion though.”

“Huh,” was Bucky’s response, before he lapsed back into silence again. It was companionable though and the pair of you strolled through the city, towards your apartment.

When you reached the door, you turned to each other, your grip naturally shifting from his inner elbow to his hand. His fingers curled around yours and it was clear that neither of you were ready to say goodbye yet. You felt your heart flutter in your chest.

You tip your head to look up at him and see the small smile on his face echoed in his misty blue eyes. It was second-nature to reach up and brush back an errant lock of his hair.

“This was nice,” he said and you hummed in agreement and watched the pretty pink blush take over his cheeks. “M-maybe we can do it again? Next time I’m in town?”

“Yeah, I’d like that,” you replied and shifted your hand so that your fingers were interlinked with his. 

You both fell silent again and your gaze fell to your linked hands and how Bucky’s thumb was rubbing up and down the edge of your pointer finger. When he spoke again, it made you jump. “I suppose I’d best be going. Let you get some sleep.” He stepped back, body half in and half out of your protection and the rain started to splatter down his back. 

Before you could think it through, you tugged on your joined hands, pulling him back toward you. Then, standing up on your toes you pressed your lips to his. Bucky froze for a second before his right hand came up and cupped your face. 

Your joined lips moved slowly against each other, soft and tender, and when he broke away you looked back at him with your breath caught in your throat. “I hope you’re back in town soon, Buck,” you said with uncharacteristic shyness in your voice.

Still smiling at you, Bucky slowly backed away, holding your hand for as long as he could until the distance forced him to relinquish it. Now fully outside your forcefield, the rain started to plaster his hair to his face, reminiscent of that night over three months ago.

“You know what? I think I have something I need to do here in two days, anyway.” His smile broadened into a grin. “Maybe we can catch up again?”

“Maybe we can,” you replied with an answering smile.

“Take care, Doll.”

“You too, Sergeant.”

With a final, cheeky wink, Bucky flipped up his collar and turned away, jamming his hands in his pockets. You watched him until he was just a small shadow in the night before heading inside, your heart light and hopeful.

Tag list: @christywrites, @alexakeyloveloki, @wolfsmom1, @doasyoudesireandlive,

@sonatabee-blog, @goldylions, @galactusdevourerofworlds, @apenny4thots,

@crayongirl-linz, @nicoline1998enilocin, @king814318, @blackhawkfanatic,

@loreniscrying, @scram1326, @hhiggs

@km-ffluv, @wheezy-stucky, @kmc1989, @kombatfather1796

[aleksanderscult]

Character analysis: Genya from S&B

⚠️TW!!: sexual abuse, rape⚠️

It's women's day and let's celebrate it by analyzing Genya Safin who was an iconic female character that specifically shone in "Shadow and Bone".

In this post we'll see how in that book Genya was a woman with different characteristics perfectly in balance that made her incredibly engaging to the reader.

(scenes from the Tailor will also be incorporated of course)

- She was very intelligent and cunning

There are a hundred ways to kill a King but Genya chose the most poetic one. Knowing that the King was lusting after her and visited her often, she decided to use that to her advantage. She turned her beauty into a weapon and used her skills both as a Fabricator and a Corporalki to bring her abuser down in a quiet, slow but still painful way.

The fact that the poison would be painful for her too didn't matter as long as her plan would be successfully executed.

She used her brains and knowledge to take revenge and that impressed everyone that was inside that room when she first revealed it in R&R.

- She was politically aware and very perceptive

When the Darkling decided that Genya would be a very important piece of his scheme, the latter became part of his most trusted soldiers. Ivan seemed to be his top 1 but Genya was also pretty close to him in comparison to the rest of the Grisha and that gave her an even deeper insight of what was happening (and what would happen) to Ravka politically.

“The Apparat visited her last night to rant about Saints and saviors. From what I could piece together, he was either trying to scare her senseless or bore her to death.”

“I may need to have a word with the priest.”

“I told her he’s harmless.”

“Hardly that,” says the Darkling, “but he has the King’s ear. For now that’s all that matters.”

- The Tailor.

Genya might had tried to ease Alina's worries but her own mind was already trying to put together the pieces of the puzzle. And of course the Darkling gives his own honest opinion and view of the Apparat to her and how important his role is.

The Darkling seemed to be at ease when he talked ill of the royals and Genya was present:

“Welcome to court,” he said.

“I’m not sure I like it.”

“No one does,” he admitted. “But we all make a good show of it.”

“The King seemed pleased,” I offered.

“The King is a child.”

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 7

Apparently Aleksander and Genya weren't strangers in talking shit about their superiors to each other which makes me wish we had scenes of them judging the royal family.

Furthermore, her role as the Queen's confidant made her also aware of all the gossip that had to do with the royal family.

I was much happier sitting in my room with Genya, drinking tea and gossiping by the fire. I loved to hear all the court gossip, and even better were the tales of the opulent parties at the Grand Palace.’

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 13

“Probably drunk,” said Genya, stirring her tea. “He devotes all his time to hunting, horses, and imbibing. Drives the Queen mad.”

“Well, Ravka is at war. He should probably be more concerned with matters of state.”

“Oh she doesn’t care about that. She just wants him to find a bride instead of gallivanting around the world spending mounds of gold buying up ponies.”

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 13

“You can’t call a royal prince ‘puppy,’” I laughed.

“That’s what everyone calls him.” She lowered her voice. “And there are rumors that he isn’t strictly royal.”

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 13

“The Darkling should have done something,” I said. “He should have protected you.”

“He has, Alina. More than you know. Besides, he’s as much a slave to the whims of the King as the rest of us. At least for now.”

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 14

Not only she knew the importance of rank or the royal family's family problems but she also knew what the Darkling planned (apart from his plot to use the Fold). She was also into any kind of court gossip so she definitely was aware of what was happening around her (unlike what the duology tried to tell us).

- She was traumatised by the King's abuse

A victim of both the King and the Queen, poor Genya became terrified of the former.

‘There were no good days anymore, no sweets or outings, just long hours of tedium, waiting for the Queen’s call, dreading the King’s soft tread outside my door.’

- The Tailor

And it made her protective over Alina who was about to meet that disgusting piece of filth:

“Besides,” she said, “you don’t want to attract too much attention from the King.” Her voice was light, but I saw a shadow pass over her features.

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 6

“Alina, the Darkling doesn’t notice most of us. We’re moments he’ll forget in his long life. And I’m not sure that’s such a bad thing. Just … be careful.”

I stared at her, baffled. “Of what?”

“Of powerful men.”

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 14

I've seen people say that Genya was trying to warn Alina about the Darkling here but that's not the point I think. Genya had experienced first hand how men with power exploit their influence for their own sick pleasures. That traumatised her and made her cautious. It's not like she had seen the Darkling do something and started suspected him but more like "I'm kinda afraid of all men that have power because my own experience with them was not kind".

Even Alina understood that Genya was indirectly referring to the King.

- She had a cruel and petty streak inside her as well

The Queen's betrayal and the constant abuse from the King's hands made her a woman with a deep bitterness and hate towards them.

‘I wanted to smash the mirror she feared so much and cut her face to ribbons with it, stuff her mouth with glass and make her swallow every jagged edge of my hurt and shame.’

- The Tailor

And of course let's not forget how beautifully she destroyed her abuser's life. It was a carefully planned revenge. Just like he took her innocence, she decided to take his years and strength.

“If I’d wanted him dead, he’d be dead.”

- Ruin and Rising, Chapter 7

“Once it builds up in the victim’s system, a threshold is reached, the organs begin to fail, and the degeneration is irreversible. It’s not a killer. It’s a thief. It steals years. And he will never get them back.”

- Ruin and Rising, Chapter 7

But she was also petty towards the people she didn't like and enjoyed to get under their skin (Aleksander 🤝 Genya in this aspect).

“Where are you rushing off to?” she says with a sniff. “Does the Queen have a party to attend?”

“As a matter of fact, yes,” I say coolly. “But I have a few moments if you want me to see to your eyes. They’re looking awfully red.”

....

“Hay fever,” she mutters. “There’s something new in the air here that irritates me.”

“Yes,” I say as I glide past her. “I hear you practically choked on it.”

- The Tailor

“Excuse us!” announced Genya. “But we have need of this chamber. Darkling’s orders!”

Zoya’s beautiful blue eyes slitted dangerously. “If you think—” she began and then she caught sight of me. Her jaw dropped, and the blood drained from her face.

“Out!” commanded Genya.

....

“But mostly I wanted to see the look on that bitch’s face when she saw you in the Darkling’s color.”

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 14

Just iconic. 💅

- But she was still kind and soft

When Alina felt offended and was self-aware about her looks and Genya's comments, the latter tried to soothe her.

Genya walked over to me. “You’re not ugly, you know.”

“Thanks,” I said drily, still staring out at the wooded grounds.

“You just look a little …”

“Tired? Sickly? Skinny?”

“Well,” Genya said reasonably, “you said yourself, you’ve been traveling hard for days and—”

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 6

When Alina kept worrying about Mal, Genya felt sorry for her and even guilty.

‘Alina gives a single sharp nod as her hands clench the edge of the infirmary sheet. I’m sorry to see her hurting...’

....

‘Lips pressed together— she hopes anyway. It’s almost painful to watch.’

....

The paper is starting to fray beneath my fingers. “She’s suffering.”

But her kindness extended to other people as well. Even those that were below her status.

I eyed her suspiciously. “What did you eat?”

Genya looked over her shoulder to make sure no one was within earshot and whispered, “One of the cooks has a daughter with terrible spots. I took care of them for her, and now she sends me the same pastries they prepare for the Grand Palace every morning. They’re divine.”

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 8

- She had a sense of humor

And it's worth noting that she had a habit of using her humor to turn an unpleasant situation or conversation into a funny one.

“I have no idea,” I said honestly. “Everything she said was perfectly nice, but the whole time she was looking at me as if I were something her dog spit up.”

Genya laughed.

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 7

“It’s funny,” I said after a while. “I always thought that being beautiful would make life so much easier.”

“Oh it does,” Genya said, and laughed.

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 7

“Maybe I should lie down on a table in the workroom and wait to see if he welds something to me.”

“I think that’s the way most great love stories begin.”

She laughed.

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 13

She entered and set down the tray, hovering near the table. “I shouldn’t be here,” she said.

“Probably not,” I admitted. “I’m not sure that I’m supposed to have visitors.”

“No, I mean I shouldn’t be here. It’s incredibly dirty.”

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 20

There are so many scenes where Genya displays her sense of humor and they're always an absolute treat to read.

- She yearned for acceptance and true friendship

Living in the Grand Palace separated her from own people and when the King started abusing her that distance grew even more.

‘If I could wish for anything in this world, it wouldn’t be jewels or a coach or a palace in the lake district. I’d wish to be a true Grisha again.’

- The Tailor

Genya blew out a frustrated breath. “You don’t understand. It’s a great honor to be asked to dine with you, but the other Grisha might not approve.”

“Why?”

Genya sighed and sat down on one of the carved chairs. “Because I’m the Queen’s pet. Because they don’t consider what I do valuable. A lot of reasons.”

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 7

She seemed really hurt by this reality especially with how her own kind thought so little of her.

It was one of the reasons Genya decided to join the Darkling (although the main one was to take revenge of course). And, in the end, the Darkling delivered what he promised:

‘That was when I realized what Genya was wearing. I’d been so surprised to see her, so caught up in my own thoughts, that I hadn’t really taken it in. Genya was wearing red. Corporalki red. Her cuffs were embroidered with blue, a combination I had never seen before.’

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 20

Her desire for friendship was also evident in how Genya felt close to Alina, wanted forgiveness from her, felt bad for being shady to her and was always kind towards her by giving her advice and by trying to make her feel good about her physical appearance.

- She was chatty and teasing towards the people she liked

When she was around people she liked and felt comfortable with, she let herself have fun around them.

‘Genya maintained a steady stream of chatter during dinner, mostly about Grisha gossip.’

- Shadow and Bone, Chapter 7

I grin. “Does that worry you, Ivan?”

“No,” he snaps.

“Careful,” I say. “Keep frowning like that, and even I won’t be able to fix your wrinkles.”

- The Tailor

(Genya + Ivan = friendship goals👌)

In "Shadow and Bone" Genya was a complex woman with layers. An incredibly strong person, traumatized from the constant sexual abuse she suffered, she harboured a deep hatred for the King and Queen and was eager to take revenge in the most fitting way possible. She had no remorse, no regrets, just pride even when she faced them. But she was also kind and thoughtful, funny and cheerful, supportive and a teaser. Her knowledge in the area of the Corporalki and the Materialki as well as her knowledge for the intrigues that happened inside the court made her one of the most valuable and dangerous soldiers that the Darkling had.

The way she was "butchered" by the author in Nikolai's duology was painful and a pity. And it's no wonder how people remember S&B!Genya fondly and ignore her latest version that apparently is only Leigh's mouthpiece at that point with no agenda, no complexity, just painted white all over that has forgotten how court works by blaming only the Darkling for her abuse.

Where was the complexity? Where was the Genya that seemed willing to do anything to overthrow the monarchy and didn't give a fuck about them?

Her duology counterpart had me like:

Anyway, S&B!Genya you will always be famous, Queen. 🥹

(credit to @adamarart)

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey cas, it's smol anon again :)

thank you so much for your last reply. it was really helpful. i really struggle with demonstrating affection but i'll try my best x

writing back to say that recently the friend i mentioned, Si, and I seem to be in a kind of cycle. they start ignoring me for whatever reason, and that really hurts because i blame myself. either they're a bad person for treating me awfully or i'm a bad person for making them hate me. i'd rather the latter any day (i don't really have a very great self-esteem and i'm really struggling to do anything about that either). but they just give me furtive glances or pointed silences and sometimes we do talk but it feels so fake and put on. of my current friends, I've known Si the longest, and we know how to pretend we're fine cos we're both masters of masking. but that's not a good thing, i know.

the first time this happened was in september. we'd had an argument the week before and they'd brought up the "second best" thing (before your advice, obviously) and i'd been really emotionally overloaded at the time and told them how much that hurt me to hear. so then Si thought i hated them and i thought they hated me and that just all spiralled. eventually i got them to talk to me, and we talked it through and then we were great for a while, but then it happened again, we were fine, happened again, you get the idea.

most recently, i hadn't seen/heard from them all week cos they'd been ill, and they didn't message me at all, whereas they had a whole conversation with my other friend E. i'm gonna admit, i'm quite a jealous person so that upset me a lot. but i tried to talk about them and they first had a panic attack (which i felt awful about btw), then tried to explain how they didn't think they were ignoring me (which i hated cos it felt like they were saying i was making up - and if i am, i'm awful, and if i'm not, that's awful to hear), and then just moved on as though the conversation didn't happen at all.

and i don't want to keep doing this. falling out, making up, falling out, making up but the whole time pretending everything's fine because it's not. it's fucking not. their mental health is awful and mine is scarcely better and i need them like they're my lungs and i'm so sick and tired of pretending everything's fine. i'm falling apart but i can't go to them because they're part of the reason, and i want to be honest, to talk it through, but i can't be honest if they're going to have panic attacks when i do. i know it's really hard for them to reach out, or to be honest about their feelings, and they're afraid of confrontation. but i don't want to keep doing this.

Si has this thing where they're super afraid of saying/doing the wrong thing and they always jump to conclusions and think everyone hates them. and i get why, because everyone always told them that when they were growing up and it became ingrained in their mind and i don't know what to do about that. but it's no longer just affecting them. they've dropped out of conversations. they've stopped messaging me. they keep doing this cycle where they ignore me. and they say it's so they don't say/do anything wrong, but i wouldn't judge them if they did. not doing anything makes me feel so much worse. i don't know how to make them see that.

sometimes i can be really understanding about this. i get how much they're struggling, and i try my best to be considerate and patient and always caring because i love them and i don't want to lose them. but i'm just been so tired and stressed recently cos i have a bunch of other things going on too and i'm just getting so frustrated. with the situation, with myself, with Si too and i hate that cos i hate getting mad at Si, especially when they can't really help it. i'm just so lost and i want my little sibling back (that's what they are to me, we're that close). sorry for such a long rant, and thank you cas for always being such a wonderful person, for being able to listen to people like me, and for letting your inbox be somewhere where i can be honest and get my thoughts down so much better than elsewhere 💕

yours truly, smol anon

Hi!

Your writing you sent me was lovely <3

I think you have the right idea by talking to your friend. Things can't go on the way they are, and you need to communicate. But maybe, to try and ease the pressure on them, could you try communicating through writing? That way they don't feel pressured to answer right away, and they can think through their responses. You seem to be good at getting your feelings out in writing, so it might be helpful. Just make sure whatever you write can't be taken the wrong way, as sometimes that happens with writing.

Sending you love!

[vickyvicarious]

Today's entry does not match Lucy ill in London as of her last two diary entries, leaving two distinct options.

Stoker messed up the timeline (Doylist)

Lucy is lying to Mina (Watsonian)

There's no way to have both work at once, not really. I suppose you could try, but it would take a lot more effort to have both be true at once and I'm not really sure how it would work (either you take a halfway approach to shuffling some dates but not all, or you say Lucy isn't outright lying but is exaggerating, I guess?). Nor is this post super interested in that. Instead, I want to take a moment to look at what each interpretation would mean for Lucy.

Doylist

This interpretation is supported by such details as: lots of other timeline weirdness happening in the latter half of September, and the letter being postmarked from Whitby. It would presumably be harder to lie about where you're sending a letter from, after all.

What it would mean for Lucy is that she recovered for a while. She was able to experience true happiness for at least a little bit. And it shows up that she is someone who doesn't linger on her stresses once they are no longer actively bothering her; instead she throws herself fully into her joy with Arthur here. I like this in the context of chronically-ill!Lucy. She might be used to being uncertain about how long feeling well will last, or indeed when it will happen at all, and when she does feel good she tries to seize the day and make the most of it. Also, it seems like her recovery, if this letter is totally honest, is fairly complete/happens fairly quickly. This would mean, too, that her diary entries in London show a much more rapid fall, as opposed to her slowly getting a bit better than feeling worse again. It would have been such an abrupt, scary shock when it happened.

Lucy and Arthur get to spend a lot of time together. They get to be really happy and fall more and more in love, they get to look forward to their future together as they enjoy their present. I love them getting to experience such happiness, I love that the promised fun summer at Whitby gets to come true even if just for a short time. Lucy is full of life and love before she returns to London. And then suddenly, all the illness and fear and loneliness is back with a vengeance that she wasn't prepared for.

Watsonian

If we assume the dates are correct, but that Lucy is lying about the contents of the letter, there's a lot less rearranging to do (there would be a bit of a cascading effect of having to adjust when the Harkers got married/how long the mail took to arrive, etc.). The letter being sent from Whitby is harder to explain, though.

What this means for Lucy is that she has finally taken the next step from pretending she's fine to actively lying about lots of details. It gives a very bleak impression of her in London, scared and alone but choosing not to confide in even Mina after her mother rejected her attempt at seeking comfort. I imagine the reasoning to be an extension of what was going on in Whitby: Mina currently has to care for a very ill Jonathan, and Lucy doesn't want her to feel worried about her as well, or guilty for having her health take a dive after Mina left her side. Continuing the theme of self-isolation driven by love... She also is trying to answer the wishes Mina so sincerely expressed for her in her letter. Mina was looking forward to Lucy's happiness so much that Lucy doesn't want to tell her none of it is coming true at all.

Lucy never gets to be really happy during this time. She has a very brief respite in Whitby when Dracula left before feeling awful again almost as soon as she arrives in London. Maybe Arthur was never able to join her there, and she's only seen him in London. All the activities and joking around listed here, instead of being what really happened, become in this interpretation Lucy's daydreams. Her wishes. This is the kind of life she wants to have, and she's imagining it and pretending she really has it to Mina here. But it's all the more tragic because even as she writes this, she's incredibly weak and in pain.

.

In the past I've leaned more towards the latter, but honestly, both are very compelling in different ways. Especially after writing it out like this, I now feel torn on which I prefer.

[elftwink]

got a text from my coworker apologizing that she accidentally outed me to another coworker and i am not sure how to respond because on the one hand theres not really a safety issue and if there is fallout im pretty sure its handlable and the most likely outcome is literally nothing happens. like one of our other coworkers is openly nonbinary so this is not a stealth-necessary work environment and i have often considered coming out to coworkers with the main reason i havent being because i dont want to put the effort in to talk to everyone LOL. and the coworker who outed me is a pretty good friend and i know it was an accident and she feels bad so like i dont really want her to beat herself up about it or for it to reflect badly on our relationship

but on the other hand im not sure how to convey that without saying something like "no worries" or "you're fine" or otherwise minimizing what she did, which i dont want to do because despite there not being a safety issue it is kind of upsetting and nerve wracking. like i just dont have control over a situation where i previously did have control & there isnt a way to put that back the way it was. and i don't know exactly what our other coworker has been told either, or how he reacted, or anything really, so i just sort of have to wait until sunday to see if he says anything or treats me differently (the latter of which i think is extremely likely; not that he'll be directly bigoted, but ive talked to this coworker about trans stuff before and the conversations have been... ill informed and very exhausting. usually i just try to end them as fast as possible because i dont get paid enough to have a difficult conversation with someone who knows nothing but thinks they are an expert, especially when i am the only one of us with any personal experience).

she already feels bad and i dont want to make her feel worse (she's my friend!), but i also don't like being put in the position where i have to comfort her about the thing that she did to me. i know this isn't what she intended like i firmly believe this is a good faith apology, i just dont know how to respond to it in a way that doesn't involve saying it's okay. and i don't want to say it's okay because it really is not okay.

(the other thing also, which just has to do with the general atmosphere of transphobia and not my coworkers apology, is i find that i am usually expected to say everythings fine when something transphobic happens to me, lest i be painted as the evil and unreasonable transgendered who isnt willing to let people make mistakes and rules my tyrannical pronoun kingdom with an iron fist. or whatever. i dont think my coworker would react this way, but years and years of people misgendering/outing/saying transphobic things and then crying to me as though they're the victim and reacting extremely negatively if i did not dry their tears and reassure them that They're A Good Person, Really... it weighs on you. there's an unspoken expectation that you will be endlessly tolerant and forgiving, and an accompanying resentment or anger if you don't fulfill that expectation. even when people aren't getting angry at you, you still flinch from the times people were, and you still try to temper your reaction based on the possibility they will react badly. difficult to have honest and genuine conversations in that environment!)

[aswallowssong]

Sicktember 2024 #1: “I’m not hungover, I’m just sick.”

Did @starstwinkleplanetsshine and I create a Heroes of Olympus College AU of our Heroes of Olympus AU? Of course we did. If you haven't read her Daughter of the Sea in the base AU, you can read it on AO3 here!

Percy was decently sure he had been fine when he went to bed.

He and Angie had had one of their Twin Nights, which sometimes meant drinking and going out, and sometimes meant staying in and eating takeout and watching old movies they'd watched as kids.

They’d done the latter, snuggling in Angie's bed and watching Atlantis while wondering back and forth if they would be able to swing a trip back home for Estelle's third birthday. Tickets were pricey, and they hadn't been planning on going home for Spring Break, but their mom had said something about it to them the last time she'd called, and they knew it wasn't her intention, but it made them both feel sort of bad.

Not that Percy was thinking about that anymore. He'd gotten home around midnight, hoping that he would be able to sleep in and enjoy a Saturday without having to be in the pool at six in the morning.

His body, it turned out, had other ideas. Instead of sleeping blissfully into the late morning, he was knelt on the bathroom floor while his body tried to turn itself inside out. 

It had come out of nowhere, and if he was honest. He was lucky he'd even made it to the bathroom before he started puking. He'd gone from a dead sleep to awake and moving too quickly, and it had done nothing good for the other things that had started to become apparent as he knelt there, praying to any god that would listen for it to stop.

The dizziness had come second, or, at least the realization of it had. He hadn't even noticed that being dizzy was the reason he'd nearly gone careening to the floor when he'd scrambled out of bed. Coupled with how cold he was, enough to run awful chills up and down his back, and the awful full-body ache that had settled in, he had to be realistic.

He was sick. Not just “under the weather” either, like Annabeth sometimes said, but truly and properly ill.

It wasn’t long, maybe five minutes and a few rounds of hell, before Annabeth pushed the door the rest of the way open and flicked on the lights.

To say they were murder on his throbbing head, add that to the list, would be an understatement, but he was relieved not to be alone. Especially since about a minute before, he’d rocked forward so hard to heave that he’d whacked his head on the porcelain.

“God, Perce, what the fuck.”

Mad? was as far as his brain got before he was reeling again, but he didn’t feel her hand on his back, comforting him like he wanted.

Why was she mad? Was she mad that he was sick? He knew that she had midterms coming up, and really couldn’t afford to get sick herself, and that he had a ridiculously flighty immune system compared to her rock-solid one, but she wasn’t normally hostile to him.

“Huh?” he managed, holding his head between his hands while his elbows rested on their toilet seat. He squinched his eyes shut, reaching out a hand that was shaking way too badly and trying to find the handle to flush his stomach away.

Annabeth’s hand swatted at his, and she flushed the toilet, shifting her weight back again to cross her arms.

“Why do you do this?”

She’s mad you’re sick, again, his dizzy, pounding brain chided him. He, Leo, and Jason had passed a cold back and forth most of the winter, and he’d gotten over it for maybe the fifth time just the week before.

“I…” he started, and then stopped to stifle a gag into his fist. “I’m sorry,” he eventually rasped. “I know it’s annoying–”

“You have to stop drinking so much when you go out with Angie,” she said, frustration heavy in her voice. “It sucks that I have to deal with the aftermath of you two deciding to overindulge in whatever you decide is the ‘drink of the night.’ I have drafts to work on today, and that second interview this week that I need to prepare for. I don’t have time to deal with you hungover all day.”

It was as if the wild spinning of his head and stomach stopped for a moment. Which, would have been nice, except he realized why Annabeth was so angry. She thought he’d decided to get fucked up with his sister, not that he was sick.

Which, his stomach reminded him, settling back into heavy nausea with a painful cramp, was very much the case. 

He was about to tell her as much when he was sent over the bowl again, retching violently enough to nearly make him hit his head again, which he would have if he hadn’t blocked it with his hand. 

It was a minute before his body let him rest, and he pushed backward enough that his back hit the wall, letting it bear his weight as he dipped his head between his knees. Somewhere in his fever-brain, he recalled Cady making him do that when he was really dizzy and nauseous, but he couldn’t come up with anything else that might have helped.

Annabeth was still standing in the doorway, he could feel her presence there, and he heard himself whine before rasping, “Beth–”

“I don’t want to hear it, Percy. Seriously–”

“Beth, I– I’m not hungover,” he pleaded, closing his eyes so he didn’t feel like he was seasick. Or, airsick. It was worse that he’d ever felt on a plane, though. He definitely hadn’t been this sick in a long while. “I’m not hungover, I’m just sick.”

It was quiet for a moment before Annabeth said quietly, “Bullshit.”

“I sw–swear,” he pleaded. “Angie and I didn’t even drink last night. We decided we’re trying to save–” He took a breath, trying to steady himself so his voice would stop shaking so badly. “Money. To go see Stellie for her birthday.”

Silence hung in the bathroom again, though Percy nearly didn’t notice. It felt like nausea was pulling him under in waves, and it was hard to focus.

Then, there was a freezing hand on the back of her neck, and he heard her sigh.

“Fuck,” she whispered, and then her hand was gone, and he started to hear her move.

He couldn’t focus very long on where she’d gone or what she was doing, because no sooner had the thought come to ask her that he was sick again, and everything in his brain was focused on not falling over while he dry heaved miserably, nothing left in his system for him to throw up.

How long she was gone was a mystery, but he was slouched over the bowl, his forehead resting on his forearm, waiting to be sick again, when she came back.

“Perce? Honey, can you sit up?”

All the frustration was gone, and pity had taken it’s place. Percy didn’t even care, he was so relieved she wasn’t mad at him anymore. He took a shaky breath and sat up slowly, hoping that it wouldn’t set the world spinning even more than it already was.

He blinked his eyes open. Annabeth was a little blurry, since he wasn’t wearing his contacts, but the look on her face was clear enough. He must have looked awful.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, and she shushed him, pushing his bangs back and resting her hand on his forehead.

“No, hon, I’m sorry,” she said, her frown deepening. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped to that without figuring out what was going on, I’m just so stressed out with other things that I let them take over.” She was still frowning, moving her hand to cup his cheek. “That fever’s awful.”

“I feel awful,” he said, letting himself lean into the coolness of her hand. “Everything hurts and I’m so nauseous.”

“I know, honey.” Annabeth rubbed her thumb over his cheek before biting her lip. “Do you think you can get up from here? I know you prefer the couch to the bed while you’re vomiting so I moved your pillow and the quilt your mom made you out there.”

“But, you draft at the table,” he said, blinking at her slowly and trying not to let anxiety start in his chest. He really didn’t want to throw up anymore, but he knew he wouldn’t be so lucky. “It’ll be distracting to try to draft while I’m puking out there.”

“Honey, I’m not drafting today,” she said simply, and even blurry, he could see in her eyes that she meant it. “I’m going to take care of you.”

“Cady takes care of us when we’re sick,” he said automatically. Annabeth wasn’t really the caretaking type. Every so often she would, but he knew she didn’t love it, and it didn’t come easily to her. Usually, when he was sick, they called Cady, and she came over and dealt with him so Annabeth could still get things done. That, or she shuttled him over to her and Angie’s apartment, where he stayed on the couch until he was good to come back home.

Annabeth didn’t have time to be sick. She had so many amazing and important projects she was working on. He couldn’t take her away from them because he had what was probably a nasty stomach virus from hell itself.

Still, she was looking at him with such earnest determination that he might have fallen in love with her all over again.

“Yeah,” she said, shrugging simply. “But, maybe I want to. You’re mine.”

He nodded, a weak smile crossing his face, and let her pull him off the floor.

[amethystina]

Good morning/afternoon 🌸

I am interested in reading about u have added to these following fics:

Who holds the devil (is it sad ? :()

Gravitational pull (this one is very sexy and sensual. I am excited to see what u added to it !)

I hope u have a lovely day/afternoon/night 🌷 and good luck with ur health 💗

Thank u for always spoiling us 🦋

Good evening! 💜

Alright, here we go!

Who Holds the Devil

To be honest, the most recent thing I did for this fic was to look through my plans for the coming five chapters and rearrange a couple of things. Because I noticed that some scenes needed to come in a different order for the story to make logical sense.

I don't have any snippets as such (again, a lot of it is just a series of lines of dialogue xD) but what I can say is that the next chapter will focus on the trial and Ga On's therapy appointment. Though the latter might not be entirely what you all are hoping for x'D

But there will be lots of Elijah, so that's something?

Yo Han and Ga On are also going to start having somewhat more normal conversations again, either in the next chapter or the one after that (it depends on how many scenes I can fit into the next one without it getting too long). That's not to say that things will be fixed or easy by any means, but they're getting closer to finding some sort of new normal.

Whether or not that's a normal they actually want, well — that's another thing entirely.

Admittedly, this is the story I'm the most careful not to give spoilers for, so sorry for being a little less forthcoming. But I will say that as things are planned right now, chapters 43-47 will all contain scenes I've been waiting months — if not years — to write. I am seriously so excited for a lot of them and I can't wait for you all to see them.

Lots of good things to come! :D

(and by good I sometimes mean painful but I promise it'll be worth it in the end)

Gravitational Pull 2

Oh man, do I feel guilty about this one. Because it's fully plotted. I know exactly what's going to be in it and I'm really looking forward to it since it's going to explore another "what if" scenario that breaks canon, but I'm just... not writing it? For a while there it was because I know this instalment will contain sexual content and that was — and still is — a bit intimidating. But I can't say I've never done it before since I've now written Each Touch. And, in all honesty, the sex in the Gravitational Pull sequel isn't quite as intense, though arguably more ill-advised from a social etiquette standpoint — all Yo Han's fault, obviously.

In the end, I think the main reason I haven't continued — despite wanting to — is lack of time and not having been able to prioritise it. I only have so many hours when I can write and, due to all of my health issues, it's always less than I would like.

That said, I have every intention of continuing and actually have a little bit written already. The fic will continue right after the first one — or the day after, to be more precise, when Yo Han, Ga On, and Jin Joo are in the car heading towards Hyeongsan-dong and the riots.

And here's a little snippet!

---

Ga On tried his best not to look at Yo Han.

The tension lay thick inside the car, the silence pushing against Ga On's eardrums. Judge Oh, who sat in the back, probably assumed it was because of the crisis at hand — apprehension at the thought of what lay ahead of them — but that was only partially true. Ga On was also struggling with an insistent, nerve-wracking hum of concern, making his spine stiff and throat tight.

Yo Han shouldn't be here. He was still injured — only a day had passed since he'd gotten shot.

No matter how grave the situation was, Yo Han should be at home, resting, not driving them to an area of Seoul that was quickly becoming as chaotic as an active war zone.

Ga On gritted his teeth — until his jaws began to hurt from the strain — and looked down at his hands. They were tightly clenched in his lap, his thumb rubbing restlessly over the other. Perhaps Ga On was being too selfish, but he didn't want Yo Han to put himself in danger like this — not when he wasn't at his best. Ga On could admit that Yo Han hid it well but since Ga On knew to look for it, he could see the subtle delay in Yo Han's movements and how he held himself slightly more rigidly than usual.

Yo Han was still in pain.

He still had a goddamn hole in his stomach but pretended that he didn't.

And Ga On had to play along, since Kang Yo Han couldn't show weakness. The people around them couldn't know that the chief judge was injured. The fact that their opponents did was already bad enough — and was probably why they chose now to try and overthrow him. They didn't think Yo Han would be able to fight back as fiercely — with as much precision — as he normally would.

They were expecting an easy victory.

But, even injured, Yo Han was a force to be reckoned with and, as always, would do whatever it took to win.

Even if it jeopardized his own well-being — and Ga On's peace of mind.

---

In canon, Ga On obviously had no idea that Yo Han was injured when they were doing all this reckless shit, but here he does. And BOY does he hate it. Which I can't blame him for. But it's also not going to stop Yo Han because, well, Yo Han.

I think I'm just going to have to schedule a time to finish writing this if I want to get it done — preferably sometime soon...

Thank you so much for the ask! And you have a lovely day too :D

WIP Tag Game

[burst-of-iridescent]

Oh, thank you, my day is good, but after your message it got even better! I really found solace on Tumblr, which I could not find either in these terrible comics or in LOTR. To be honest, I hardly mastered the latter at all, literally forcing myself to watch series after series, searching in vain for the former depth of characters and conflict. In my opinion, LOTR is a complete failure on all fronts, with the exception of high-quality drawing. If it's about comics, it's an illogical development of events, which, unfortunately, is laid down in the last series. I wanted to ask you -how do you feel about Ursa's line? I was offended by her decision to leave the children (of course, it happened against her will, but still -to change her face and personality, forget about her beloved son and lead a happy life with an old lover?! Don't get it wrong, a woman should suffer for the rest of her days because of a failed marriage, she should not give up happiness if fate sends. But in the context of this story, in your opinion, does it not look like a betrayal, first of all of herself (Ursa?), and of course her children. She couldn't help but understand what kind of hell they got into, first of all the son, after her disappearance. And if you also disagree with this "canon", what would you see the fate of Zuko and Azula's mother? (sorry for such a long letter!)

hi again! thank you, you're so sweet!

i 100% feel you on both LOK (i'm guessing LOTR is a typo?) and the comics. it's so disappointing because both the show and the comics have some great conceptual ideas, and in the hands of competent writers, could've been excellent continuations of ATLA and worthwhile successors... but instead we got a flaming pile of garbage that deserves to be at the bottom of the sea.

the search isn't the worst atla comic imo (that honour goes to the promise) but it's definitely doing its damn best to earn that spot. i hate so many things about that comic: the outdated, insulting depictions of mental illness and mental healthcare in azula's story, zuko getting a "replacement sister" in kiyi as a fix-it bandaid, the fact that it becomes a whole gaang adventure when the correct narrative choice would've been for zuko and katara (and maybe azula at most) to take this trip together as a full circle from the southern raiders, katara and sokka's only role in the story being to foil zuko and azula and nothing else, and of course... the complete annihilation of everything ursa's character was set up to be in atla.

i agree with you that it is very much a betrayal of ursa's character for her to willingly lose her memories. she knows she's leaving her children in the hands of a dangerous abuser, one who's already molding her daughter into a lethal weapon and was fully ready to murder her son, who has proven his willingness to sacrifice his children without hesitation if it benefits him. but despite this, despite the fact that she committed murder, accepted exile and even risked her life (for she had no way of knowing if ozai would simply let her leave peacefully) to protect her child... suddenly she's willing to throw all of that away and fuck off with her childhood lover at the first opportunity?

it baffles me why bryke didn't at least make ursa's memory loss an accident, which would've both explained her absence and why she never went to look for her children without committing character assassination in the process - but that's probably expecting too much logical writing from those two.

i'm actually planning a post-canon book 4 zutara fic that would include a rewrite of the search, where ursa didn't just fuck off to do nothing, but actually had a redemption arc very similar to zuko's after secretly fleeing to live in the earth kingdom and seeing the damage the war had done. she takes it upon herself to right the fire nation's wrongs, and grows particularly invested in air nomad culture, seeing it as her duty to try and bring back some of what the genocide had destroyed. shortly before zuko's banishment she sets out to find the remnants of a people long believed to be gone - and finds that maybe they're not entirely gone after all.

i won't spoil the rest, but i think it'll both explain why ursa never went back for zuko and azula while still giving her a meaningful story that didn't involve just swapping one family for another. if only we'd gotten something similar in the comics but alas... bryke gonna bryke.

thanks for the ask! no worries about it being long, i thoroughly enjoy reading your thoughts <3

[maraschinotopped]

i hope we get more info about queen buzzbeamer because im sooo intrigued by her. she brings up implications. the fact that shes protesting/breaking away from a workplace that (allegedly) is exploiting her & her coworkers, and that shes popular enough with said coworkers to actually pull off a riot makes her seem.. not that bad?? like shes just an exploited worker leading a protest (albeit a leader who is seemingly.. quite cocky. and quick to blow things up. though i dont blame her for the latter since i think most exploited workers end up wanting to blow something up lol)

theres also the fact that she seemingly has nothing to do with n&q? so there would be no reason to fight her? most of the others have at least some reason to be fighting (or have beef with) n&q- pinhead seems to be the leader of most of the criminals in comet city so its likely they simply butt heads often; pokie i think just wants quasar dead, but it could also be to protect her planet's 'core' as mentioned in the unused takes video.. whatever that means; cephla i dont have a solid reasoning for but she could be trying to capture quasar due to her infatuation; guardian could be fighting against her will, maybe either due to malfunction or old dormant code; junkbot is obviously a guard bot made to fight intruders; and ill be honest mayor grimm doesnt seem to have a reason either, but from what we've seen about his general personality so far, he may just want to fuck with them for funsies lol.

so its like... why are we fighting queen buzzbeamer. does stonecold actively control/manage the woodworks she works at? why would he?? hes currently running a different business in an entirely different field of work. did n&q get caught in the crossfire of the rioting and decide to get payback? it would just make the two seem petty as hell. maybe theres a better possibility im not thinking of but imo.. it seems n&q have just decided to start shit.

bonus thought. the fact that protesting a workplace is put in such a bad light here (even with supposedly good reason to) brings up... interesting possibilities to how lightyeargames works as a company. is it fucking propaganda (for lack of a better term, but you get the gist: trying to portray the act of rebelling against higher powers as inherently bad, as to try and quell inside discontent). maybe the development hell NAQ1 went through was influenced by bad working conditions as well as general mismanagement?

anyways would fighting queen buzzbeamer mean n&q are on some level union busters.

[suffarustuffaru]

I voted for Otto because while I do think Julius is the better boyfriend, Otto is the better friend no? At the very least my reasoning was that Otto has spent a year in proximity with Subaru collecting all sorts of small moments in addition to their bigger moments in arc 4, really forming the case for Otto to get the best friend title. Tho arc six really did make it hard to choose.

(for future reference this post is about this poll 👍)

HAH you raise really really good points yeah!! i honestly voted for julius as half a joke (arc 8 ch 24 to walk in the light was totally about otto being mad about juliemisuba if you squint. totally /lh) and absolutely if you took grown up subaru and told him to assign julius and otto as either boyfriend or best friend, julius would get the former (…..subarus attraction to julius is really really obvious HAHA) and otto would get the latter exactly for all the reasons you said as well yep!! ottos been living with subaru, ottos supporting subaru and their camp, etc etc hes been there more consistently, etc etc like otto is a very dedicated and loyal friend, but imo otto loses some points by arc 7-8 bc its the same dedication and loyalty that makes him shitty now :<<< mr otto “i walk in darkness” suwen, mr otto “im gonna not tell my friends about the tome or info that would save spicas life lol bc i want her dead” suwen, mr otto “its fine if 50 million people die” suwen :<<<<< at least julius is honest about wanting spica dead and he wont just let 50 million people die :<<<

but also you raise a good point bc otto IS a good friend in the sense that youll be alive as long as hes there bc he wont let you die. but will otto be alive by that point?? :<<<<<< will 50 million people still be alive????? will your previously problematic daughter figure be alive….??? a little debatable but hey hes dedicated ill give him that :<<< hes a good friend and he can definitely be kind and comforting and stuff but absolutely a questionable person BAHA and julius has got otto beat in the good person department LMAO. this is otto:

:<<<<<<< ottos Devoted……. but definitely not GOOD i think HAH. if dude worked on his moral code he’d be the bestest friend ever :<< like no person is not without their flaws yknow? ottos flaws just allow him to think about KILLING PEOPLE FOR YOU LMAOO 😭😭 its why i chose julius :<< that and i think it was really really funny to choose julius bc its the canon answer (see: otto punching a wall over julius like ok you asshole you can have your gay breakdown over julius and juliemisuba :<<)

but anyway ty for the ask, loved hearing your thoughts on the boy drama poll pfft. i think its a really funny poll for sure (and the moral dilemma side of the boy drama is interesting yes)

[shippin-it-faster-than-fedex]

Why '91 Drakepad is NOT toxic

so ill admit, there are times where i doubt how healthy the og drakepad dynamic is in terms of romantic relationship

BUT in my heart of hearts, i truly dont believe its unhealthy

and here's my arguments why

1. Launchpad has complete and free autonomy

A common trait of toxic relationships is a lack of control. The abusee is often under the physical or emotional influence of someone else. Launchpad, however, is not being coerced or manipulated into anything. He can come and go as he pleases and chooses to stay with Drake. He more than often meets DW's huffy demeanor with a calm, knowing smile, proving he's clearly happy to be there by his side.

2. There's a difference between being corrosive and being grumpy

It's no secret that Darkwing has a semi-permanent hot-headed attitude. His casual nips and jabs at Launchpad is probably the most used reason for the argument that their relationship is toxic. The tricky thing is where to draw the line between harmful and imperfect. Let's be honest: Drake Mallard is not perfect. Hardly anyone is. He has his flaws (his roaring ego, a delicate temper), but Launchpad makes room for these flaws and loves him regardless, WITHOUT getting hurt in the process. Drake may be kinda grouchy, and there a few times when his frustration can spill over, but his intention is never to put Launchpad down. On the contrary, he thinks very highly of his sidekick, and values his observations and opinions. Which brings me to my next point...

3. Drake listens when LP's feelings have been hurt and is quick to admit he's wrong

For the most part, Drake's sarcastic quips directed at LP go unnoticed by the latter. Either they go right over his head or he shrugs them off with a smile. But sometimes they bite just a little too hard, and Launchpad's feelings get hurt, which he is quick to voice. You can see Drake immediately deflate in these moments and apologize to Launchpad for being too gruff with him. He knows he can go a little too far sometimes, and looks sincerely regretful at hurting his best friend's feelings. This is not the typical response of a toxic partner. What is, is anger, denial, dismissing, or gaslighting. Drake does none of those things, and instead puts LP's feelings above his own ego.

3. Drake goes out of his way to secure Launchpad

He acts as though Launchpad is beneath him intellectually (and let's face it: he is) but at the root level, he greatly values his input and holds good faith in him. On multiple occasions, Drake can be seen applauding LP for his bright ideas and astute observations, without a hint of cynicism. He even motivates him to perform the ever-difficult Double-Reverse-Paddle-Drop-Boom-Boom Kick because "the ability is inside [him], if [he'll] only believe in himself". On a different note, Drake also monitors Launchpad's emotions and comes through when it looks like he could use some comfort. Many a time throughout the series, DW speaks sweetly to LP after a perceived failure, assuring him that everything is OK and that he did his best. Citing from "Star-Crossed Circuits", DW notices LP has been awfully quiet, and gently asks, "Say, why so glum, chum?" and proceeds to reassure him that he is needed (albeit ineffectively).

Sure, they're a quirky pair, but at the end of the day, they love each other to the ends of the earth, and are their best selves when they're together. And certainly NOT toxic

[invinciblerodent]

Hey! Agree that erasure sucks big time. As a lesbian, I very often see that devs make every character in a game bi, with no lesbian rep at all. That puts me in a difficult situation when I want to respect bi people but also want to have rep of my own. :(

Though I admit, I can kind of read a bit of a tongue-in-cheek comment into this message (which could just be me feeling defensive in general over this topic, I'm fully aware that I am and definitely mean no ill will towards you), but I'll take you at face value on this and assume you meant no ill will either lol.

Honestly, I'll definitely always agree that there need to be more canonically queer characters and experiences portrayed of every orientation and gender, only I'd definitely argue that bisexuality specifically is kind of in a unique position where it's... it's so often used purely as a game mechanic that, despite its theoretical existence in a narrative, it can often, and to many players, not even be interpretable as any sort of real representation either. Especially with how many games, past and present, kind of conceal their characters' queerness behind the players' intentions to seek it out (basically treating them as "straight until proven gay"), which often implies monosexuality (at the lack of a better term) in the text regardless of the existence of another mechanic, even if the character could technically be considered bisexual.

There is a very clear difference in my mind (and in the minds of -as far as I can tell- the majority of other bisexual players) between characters being canonically bi, and them being mechanically bi, in that in that the latter case, you can often play and engage with, or even romance characters without ever needing to acknowledge them as anything other than monosexual (again, lacking a better concise term) in a way that happens to coincide with your PC's sexuality. They can be seen as gay if you're the same sex, and as straight if you're not. But in BG3 specifically, even though the dialogue with the player themselves doesn't really seem to address the companions' sexuality head-on (you can't, like, walk up to Wyll and ask him "so, hey man, what's, like, your.... whole deal, or whatever?", you have to listen to him and connect the dots), it IS really nice, and a nice change of pace that this is not a thing. That no queer content is hidden behind "the gay button", that you aren't limited to being exposed to their queerness while in a romance with them, and that you cannot, literally cannot, play the game in a way that would make the world less queer, or make it seem like the characters are merely adapting to the gender of the player character.

Because they all hit on-, or express attraction to at least a few others regardless of gender, without it immediately implying anything beyond them all just... being attracted to people of different genders.

I watched this slightly older video essay by verilybitchie just a little while ago that went into this exact thing in a lot more detail, and I honestly recommend it to everyone. Since the video is two years old now, she of course doesn't address BG3 specifically (I'd love to hear her thoughts on it though! the end note where she talks about how excited she is for what might be coming next really warmed my heart!), but otherwise it's a good runthrough of my thoughts and experiences on- and with the issue as well.

(And, to be honest.... as a side note, romancing a bi character is.... still respectful, if you play your own character as monosexual? Like I do that all the time too, so that part of your message... kind of confused me?

Like... the only way romancing, say, Karlach for example as a woman can be considered in any way disrespectful to us bi people, is if you play that in an angle that erases her bisexuality, simply because she happens to be in a same-sex romance in your game. But that's less an issue of representation in the game itself imo, and more just... this strictly theoretical player themselves being at least a little bit biphobic and erasing her sexuality based on the gender of her partner, even if that isn't their intention.)

[afklancelot]

List of SCP articles I actually like

title self explanatory. list will be out of order.

SCP-4558: one of my first favorites when I first visited the site. a good skip with an interesting story, including one of my favorite GoIs (Fifthism). while I recently started getting bored of format screws on the site, 4558 will allways have a special place in my heart.

SCP-4246: if a story portrays the ocean as an eldritch place, it's a good skip. helps that it actually has an academic feel to it, unlike more narrative skips lately. even the twist at the very end fits because ocean creatures are Like That. very beautiful very powerful.

SCP-4319: by girls for girls!! this skip is terrifying in a way more grounded in reality (group that pretends they're for "girl power" when they're actually trying to force girls into their own image). the format screw definitely helps convey the horrors of the site taking over the girls too.

SCP-6624: in general articles bout Alagadda are cool and at worst simply average, but 6624 is really good. helps that it kinda touches on the Four Lords of Alagadda through the music experiments. it also feels like historical documentation, just like 4246 (fun fact: they're both by the same author, called Metaphysician. recommend you check them out).

SCP-6007: ok i'll be honest, this one's on the list more from spite. as in, i dislike 6000, 6001, and 6500 so much that they automatically bumped up 6007 up in terms of liking it. weird i know. that said, 6007 had interesting characters and actually portrayed the horrors of nature pretty simple, yet it was pretty effective.

SCP-7027: surprise! another skip by Metaphysician! this one was made at the beginning of the anthology hub, and it was a strong start that made me hopeful that it would deliver all the way (it did not, but there were some good bits here and there). emptiness as horror is my favorite trope in horror, and the way it combined emptiness, nihilism, and buddhist ideas fucks pretty hard and reminds me of the HARBINGER II series (see below).

SCPs 6270 to 6279: HARBINGER II skips are all so good. while they're all considered separate from each other, they share one common theme: harbingers and holes, the latter either being literal or figurative, like a nothingness where surrounded by something...ness. because it reminds me of house of leaves, it automatically became one of my favorites. even some of the more weaker ones like 6273, 6277, and 6278 are still decent, if not my taste. notable favorites include 6270 (the description of the anomalous illness was interesting), 6272 (simple yet effective, especially the ending), 6274 (ending was eh, but everything else leading up to it was good, what with the idea of even ghosts not being safe from the entity), 6275 (surreal and terrifying, while also acting a bit as a commentary to ""funni"" skips), and 6276 (has a bit of technobabble, but it was interesting, especially the ending).

SCP-1302-JP: this one's simple: it's a ferris wheel that is so slow it takes triple-digit years for one revolution. the description of those trapped within the capsules are chilling, and there are Implications, for those with a good eye.

SCP-5485: i remember making a post where i said that unneeded [citation needed] in articles is one of my favorite types of humor, and this skip delivers on this while also being unsettling. combining HANSARP (a Dadaist version of AWCY) and the ocean is a brilliant idea.

SCP-3009: i already gushed about this skip in a previous post. no need to say more beyond it being a simple yet compelling story, especially with the companion tales.

SCP-7100: this skip has a format screw that's actually interesting AND makes sense- it acts as a tutorial for documenting an SCP (both in-universe and out) while also telling a good story within. the punchline also fits, which is a rare compliment these days for modern skips. i've said this before and i'll say it again: 7100 should have won 7k con.

SCP-6230: this skip documents how abandoned SCP facilities will suddenly generate new interior spaces, and if that doesn't remind you of House of Leaves, you clearly have not been on my blog long enough. juxtaposing the main clinical documentation with the more prose-y feel of SCP-001 helps create a sense of eerie suspense on wtf the skip is, something the backrooms wikis wishes they could accomplish. honestly the skip could've been just endless descriptions of the generated interior spaces and i would still put it on this list.

[gikairan]

(Tumblr please put the read more here, plz)

Spend the spare 15 minutes of my lunch break intending to pet a virtual griffon because doesnt feel good folks!

Noticed 2 characters standing near each other, go to listen to their dialogue

Its Taash and Bellara standing by one of the old murals. I notice how theres barely any of it left, so i check all of them in the library area out.

.... Then go back to the music room.

So uh, theres a mural i didnt notice last time on a wall hidden by boxes:

But now im wondering like.... when where these painted?

vs the Inquisition era one:

Biggest difference is not only the wolf/ dragon one is finished, but the wolves in the 2nd one have a totally different expression....

Im also not really sure if these are frescos, or paintings.

Theyre so much more weathered than the Trespasser frescos, which ive always assumed were ancient.

Since its the Fade, if they were reflections of the real frescos - they probably wouldnt be weathered like that? The frescos in the time of Veilguard are destroyed, but by being broken up into pieces - not weathering.

And Solas either repainted them all (potentially with paint, rather than a fresco) in his years of relative isolation for Reasons (Someone else can do the character analysis)

.... Or these were his drafts, and he was visiting the Lighthouse during the Inquisition years.

Ill be honest, the new ones make me think its the former rather than the latter. But the fact theres a finished version of the last one does make me hmmmmmm

[prinxe-with-no-crown]

🎭 A headcanon about what they lie about: For everyone in On The Sidewalk EXCEPT for Scorp

i had to chew on this one for a good bit, because, well, for one, all of them are magical girls with secret identities, and for two, all of them have different insecurities (well maybe dandies fine) they cover up in different ways. a lot of this is kinda more in "keeping secrets" ballpark rather than lying

lets start with lavender! she is a fairly honest person in general - like, at best, she might not be open about being trans in her civilian identity, but i wouldnt really count that because i dont think shed be very deliberate about that. but i do think she is the kind of person to keep secrets like life threatening injury or terminal illness from people she cares about so that they dont worry about her. "its my job to worry about you, not vice versa"

next up, rose! i think he in general does not like lying, but will without thinking lie to his parents about anything that even brushes against personal. in part, its force of habit since he was a teen magical girl and kept that secret from his parents (still does). its possible that he also lied about his age by one year in order to not need parental consent in order to fight (and only need a team of at least three, which he did find).

chamomile is... id say that his whole "trying to keep feminine presentation to magical girl and masculine presentation to civilian" thing kinda counts - neither is itself a lie, but its a lie that either of these is all of her, and thats something very deliberate on his part as attempt to stay presentable to her family. (a bigger lie is that he is content with the separation)

sunflower, oh boy, does lying to himself count? because thats a huge part of his deal - he is in denial of how much being raised by his father in chasing the idea of masculinity he didnt want all that much hurt him, in part but not entirely because he also saw how much his father hurt dandie and went "well my childhood wasnt this bad". and also said idea of masculinity, even as he is unlearning it, keeps him in denial about being queer, too. (although, actually. if none of that counts. i do think he is also in lavenders camp of "dont tell my loved ones im dying so that i dont worry them")

as for dandelion, they dont strike me as the type to lie about anything. maybe a couple years back they wouldve - to their father, and to sunny about their father - but not since the former is out of the picture and the latter has shown that he is 100% on their side