#normal to want and possible to achieve etc etc

[michanvalentine]

I was asked if I had any thoughts on Astarion's character development in terms of taking responsibility and making choices. And him coming to terms with that part of his past he's ashamed of. In the past I didn't dwell on it in detail, normally I write down on the keyboard what spontaneously passes through my brain. But I think they are excellent food for thought, so I will try to express what I think about it.

Here’s a little ramble, just because I love psychology and think it’s something to always keep in mind when discussing Astarion. If you’re not interested, feel free to skip ahead!

(Let’s talk a bit about the self.

The self is quite a complex concept with many facets. Briefly put, it’s shaped by various internal and external factors and reflects a conscious image of "me." In psychology, it’s key to building the Ego of an individual—the capacity to act, understand, organize, and interpret experiences. The Ego provides a sense of uniqueness, coherence, and personal continuity since the self encompasses many "faces." All this forms the personality of an individual, which naturally develops (and changes) throughout life.

Particular attention in the formation of the self is given to sensitive periods, such as early childhood. The self determines the level of self-esteem based on an individual’s assessment of their worth and competence in the characteristics they attribute to themselves (Real Self), their future aspirations (Ideal Self), and what they want to avoid (Feared Selves). The greater the discrepancy between these aspects, the lower the level of self-esteem. Social support and approval, as well as competence in domains deemed important to the self, obviously contribute to perceiving oneself as a person of value.

I’ll stop here, or this will turn into a full-blown psychology lecture, diving into every possible personality disorder! xD)

Astarion, as we know, has had his sense of self fundamentally undermined. For him, the world is divided between those who have power and those who don’t, with the former always being the "winners" in his eyes. The magistrate he once was is long dead, along with his moral compass and the life he used to live—especially after 200 years of servitude to Cazador.

As vampire spawn, akin to a newborn in some respects, Astarion learned to exist solely within Cazador’s world, revolving around Cazador, for Cazador. He was the domineering father figure, and vampire society functions under strict rules handed down by vampire lords. In this hostile context, without any room for self-expression or choice, Astarion developed a fragmented and damaged self-image. Constantly belittled by Cazador as an individual (small, weak, useless, incapable, all words he uses in the game), always pitted against his brothers and sisters, and degraded from a magistrate to a prostitute (this is important because it’s the only skill—or "talent," as he calls it himself—that Astarion believes gives him any value or power, forming the basis for his self-image). It’s easy to imagine just how high his self-esteem must be, right? Most importantly, he never developed the skills to navigate life as a free individual—at least not in a healthy way.

This is why, even if reluctantly (and despite his fear), he ends up leaning on Tav/Durge. Astarion is a follower, not a leader—not yet, at least. He needs a guiding figure to help him figure out what to do because making decisions and acting independently don’t come naturally to him; they terrify him. Especially outside of his talents, sex and survival. He needs to be rehabilitated, re-educated, and to achieve this, he requires a safe and healthy environment where he can experiment and grow, perhaps developing other faces of the self on which to base a new evaluation. Like, I'm not just a slave or a whore: but I'm also a companion, a friend, a lover, a hero and I'm able to listen, to help, to learn, to collaborate, etc. For instance, I think his lack of attention to detail reflects this to some extent—not just his tendency to be dismissive or distracted. In fact, Astarion isn’t stupid at all; his intelligence and wisdom stats in D&D terms are above average. He knows how to move in the shadows, remain unnoticed, and is highly skilled with his hands. Additionally, we shouldn’t forget that Astarion is an excellent observer of bodies, particularly body language. This is especially common when someone has lived in a stressful environment with abusive parents or partners. Recognizing the early signs of what they fear most—abuse—is crucial for trying to avoid getting hurt. The inflection of a tone, the light in someone’s eyes, the posture of their shoulders, arms, torso, etc. Body language is the most direct and primal form of communication and reveals intentions.

This is a skill Astarion has naturally refined, not only through survival but also by interacting with countless partners. It inevitably helps him sense certain things before others do, often saving him from trouble. So, he’s far from just some clueless fool, no matter how frivolous he might seem at times.

Sure, stress kills neurons, but the issue is deeper than intellect. To execute a plan, one needs to make decisions and lead a group—something he simply isn’t equipped to do yet. This also ties to accountability, an inherent part of decision-making—especially when others are involved.

Throughout the game, Astarion grows and begins to reclaim his rights as an individual. He realizes he’s more than an object to be used (he is no longer small, weak, useless, incapable), and he starts to establish boundaries and discover what he truly wants or doesn’t want to do, always alongside Tav/Durge. By the good ending, he even states that with Cazador gone, he can finally find out who he really is and what he wants from the life he’s regained. He’s still afraid—the road to healing is long, and the trauma is deep—but he’s willing to work on himself, which he couldn’t or wouldn’t do before.

A significant part of Astarion’s defense mechanism is dissociation, the ability to separate himself from the terrible things that have happened to him—or that he has done.

This, in my opinion, is how he managed to survive without completely losing his mind. In the game, there’s even a dialogue choice that highlights how Astarion simply repressed everything inside and kept going—a deeply unhealthy way of coping. And rightly so, the vampiric spawn retorts that it’s easy to judge when you haven’t lived through such a situation.

However, when Astarion comes face to face with his victims, that mechanism begins to falter. This time, he’s forced to confront what he has done directly, with all the consequences it entails. He has to look them in the eye, listen to their harsh words, and endure both their pain and his own—without filters, without excuses. The sequence is heart-wrenching, as we all know, but what I particularly love is Astarion’s comment about the Gur children and how, when he delivered them to Cazador, he felt nothing. I love it because it’s followed by an “oh” that speaks volumes more than all the discussions about ascension up until that moment. That “oh” seems to say, “How the hell is that even possible?!”

Astarion is surprised, first and foremost, because what he felt then isn’t what he’s feeling now. Before, he was numb, alienated—a ghost wandering the streets. But now, he’s not. He’s more awake and lucid than he’s been in the last 200 years. This concept is crystal clear when, upon setting foot inside Cazador’s palace, the vampiric spawn states that everything feels different, even though the place hasn’t changed. It’s not the palace that’s different; it’s Astarion!

And at this point, after speaking with Sebastian and Chessa, Astarion is torn.

On one side, there’s ascension, with all the rational explanations—or justifications for Tav/Durge and himself—about why it must be done. The vampire spawn are too many and too hungry; they’ll cause a massacre, etc., etc. On another side, there’s the need to erase the evidence of what he was, of what Astarion endured, and what he inflicted upon others—what these wretches represent as a mirror reflecting his own helplessness and pathetic state. A victim, essentially. And that, for him, is humiliating because he was, in fact, humiliated for 200 years. He’s deeply ashamed of it.

But yet another part of him holds the desire to do the right thing.

In fact, if asked about the prisoners and what he intends to do, Astarion will say he’s weighing his options. Not only that, but Astarion also gives his approval when Tav/Durge tells Sebastian that their freedom depends on whether or not they know how to control hunger. Adding immediately after that they can succeed. Anyway, at this moment, for the first time, the choice and the responsibility are entirely on Astarion's shoulders—and on his conscience. There are no orders from Cazador to carry out, no Tav/Durge acting on his behalf. The most Tav/Durge can do is help him think clearly in a moment when, between fear, the scent of blood in the air, and power within reach, Astarion might not be the most clear-headed being on the planet. But ultimately, the decision is his to make. The first of many more to come.

However, I believe Astarion truly takes responsibility for his actions when, after freeing the vampire spawn, he becomes the leader of the coven in the Underdark in the ending. In this particular case, the transformation is complete—Astarion is a leader who plans, makes tough decisions every day, manages resources, takes care of his people (his old victims, let's not forget), and continually grows in his independence.

Naturally, returning to the concept of the self, each of the endings—whether he travels across Faerûn with Tav/Durge, becomes a nocturnal vigilante in Baldur’s Gate, or even ascends—offers a perspective on how Astarion has changed and how new experiences have added positive aspects to his self-concept. These enable him to increasingly perceive himself as competent and valuable. At this point, I’m afraid I might have gotten lost in the flood of words, and I’m not sure if I’ve managed to address the proposed topics thoroughly. My apologies—I tend to lose myself in my thoughts and ramble on freely! If needed, feel free to let me know, and I’ll add a follow-up! xD Anyone who made it this far is a true hero, just so you know!

[allyriadayne]

do you have any thoughts about if jace was born as a girl? if we're going by what viserys said, that any child rhaenyra and laenor have regardless of gender would be made heir we can assume little jacaera (god that's a terrible name) would be her mother's heir. how much would that complicate things in terms of her being a bastard? also does this increase or decrease the chances of her getting married off to her uncle aegon...

oh boy do i. my thought goes more along the lines of rhaenyra naming luke her heir because her claim is an exception and not the rule. i don't think she wants to rock the boat more with a girl heir, even if jacaera (i do like the name.....) is everything she could want in an eldest child. much of jace's struggles wouldn't change in jacaera, only that her main worry would be how to prepare luke to reign after their mother, esp when she (just like in canon) consideres him weak and soft.

to me the bastard issues doesn't complicate her situation more than if he were a boy, but don't get me wrong, this jace would have the same identity issues as canon jace because being a targaryen princess is still the most important thing. maybe the insults would have a more sexualized nature due to bastards and bastard women being considered promiscuous. this in turn would make jacaera even more stiff and aloof with the rest of the people. i've pondered this issue before (as one does) and l reached the conclusion that like rhaenyra before her, jacaera would have some issues with her gender as well, related to her insecurity around being a princess. how to perform femininity, how not to fall into the traps of being called a slut for simply having the rumors of bastardy around her, etc.

the possibility of jacaera being betrothed to aegon is HIGH. super high. if luke is to take the throne, then jacaera is the one that would be sacrificed for the family. this is what jacaera thinks she should do, even if rhaenyra is not so sure she should give her first daughter to her brother (hey! parallels with viserys!) but the girl has made a whole powerpoint presentation about why is the best path for the family. the thing is that because luke is too, jacaera has overcompensated to the point that she feels she has to be the one to save the family by breaching the gap between the greens and the blacks. and that means marrying the uncle she absolutely didn't worship as a child. 'tis a sad fate!

of course, driftmark happens and the betrothal fizzles out a bit until the families meet again after six years and viserys remembers about the best way to unite their families hehe. i think it's more likely that the greens would agree to have a daughter of rhaenyra with them rather than leaving on of their own with her. and jacaera is so dutiful and quiet that they are sure aegon could make her fall in love and get her out of the way (they don't know about jacaera twenty step plan to get aegon in line. aegon is intrigued and wants to explore her limits like in canon but jacaera has no time for that nonsense. it's time to make this uncle know his place).

[bliamapriori]

Miraheze approved my private wiki on Thursday so I have been busy desperately trying to teach myself how To Do The Things I Need To Do. Unfortunately I have errands and shit I need to run this morning but my heart is exactly here, trying to finish this swadesh list and think of templates and pages I still need to make.

[bonesandpoemsandflowers]

I'm a dedicated new year resolutioner, because that is what happens when you have a January first birthday and a life that needs to run on task lists + prescription simulants. This year my sole goal was to survive mourning my love-of-my-life dog, which is the kind of goal that people either understand is a full life year dedicated process or treat as a non goal. My secondary and very easy goal was not give a fuck about anyone else's evaluation of this goal. It's a wry joke not joke of mine that Ernie Dog was considerate to the very end and fought his lung cancer with fierce precision: he tidily exited this world on December 31st. There is no anniversary he could have chosen that would be more easily memorable.

Easy timekeeping but he left my birthday my own. Always a gentleman, Ernesto.

But I'm not here, yet, to be sad about my dog in public. This is, presumably, an activity for tomorrow. We'll find out.

Resolutions, right? This year I'm back to form because you gotta be, eventually, and so I have many productivity focused goals. One serious physical goal that involves specific metrics and getting a personal trainer again. But my fun body goal, however, is to get the fuck back on that pole. Before I got my knee injury I was most of the way to landing a solid human flag each time, so I figure that's a sub goal in there, somewhere, folded in, because do you know how obnoxiously cool it is to be able to do those on the fly? Extremely. I'm gonna be so annoying.

My artistic and professional goals are secret, by which I mean: I've had several hours of conversation about them, but only with people I trust.

I think it's important to have fun, silly goals, though, to mix up your list. I'd say stupid goals except that building fun into your life is a deadly serious priority.

So I am resolving to:

take pictures of ordinary places around home base the way that street photographers do when they're on vacation, and

leave comments on Ao3 consistently after years and years of being a filthy freeloader

which should be a good time, I think.

[leucisticpuffin]

In which we break two pairs of glasses, and Elrond tries very hard to get a good grade at the optician's.

[stellerssong]

got a good grade in my voice lesson tonight, lads

[charmcoin]

i like need an objective third party who i can tell everything ever about my life and they can decide if i'm a good person or not

[veilkeeper]

every time one of my mutuals or favoured followers likes/reblogs one of my metas its like. yessss i am getting a good grade in analysis

[bloomingtrans]

made my therapist laugh today im getting an a in therapy

[unnonexistence]

starting to think maybe my doctor was right about me being depressed lol

[lordgolden]

I am the most frog and toad looking attorney in this law office

[amelikos]

Actually a bit surprised that Cap's allergy to the word "cute" has been brought up a few times after it was first revealed.. And that it was brought up once when Spinel was in the vicinity in HZ054..

I wonder if it'll be brought up again in the future.

[thetragicallynerdy]

a friend told me that i'm a good hugger this past weekend and it's filled me with so much joy. lifegoals fulfilled, i am good at giving hugs

[brw]

i absolutely love your icon! who is it? and your header

Hello! Thank you so much :3 It's a coloured ver of this Sara Pichelli art piece of Madelyne Pryor!

My header is one of the vampire covers for the Blood Hunt event, by Carmen Carnero I believe, depicting Hawkeye and Black Widow ^_^

[the-sun-station]

failing a social check at work first thing in the morning and feeling a critical damage sound effect ring out through my bones oof ouch

[portmantaur]

in an effort to Be More Human i made the decision to say yes to the next social thing i was potentially invited to. so now this next weekend one of the neighbors will be bringing his new puppy over to the other neighbors’ house for some sort of Backyard Do and because these neighbors all know me, but have only occasionally spotted me like a bigfoot in the blurry distance of their lives, i was like oh, i should make a good impression. so i bought a toy and a treat for the puppy, bc giving someone’s kid a gift is like a instant way to make them like you, right? im so very normal right now. im doing so good at being a normal person.