#none of the good things around you or like where you start bullying people or something. but broadly speaking. being able to express your
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It's giving the...main character syndrome. like who tf does she think she is??? Y/N???
NO OH MY GOSH ANON. LET ME TELL YOU. LET ME FRIGGIN TELL YOU.
#okay so i need to give her a name. we will call her yn bc she is just so different and quirky and not like other girls#so i haven't liked yn since freshman year (am a junior) because she seemed incredibly pretentious. she has like awards n stuff for this#asian advocation group and tons of other stuff which is GOOD. but she has a tendency to brag and be very cocky about it.#AND YOU KNOW WHAT. IT WASNT JUST ME. MY FRIEND FROM SEMINAR who we will call Pie for certain reasons (her name rhymes with it) AGREED WITH#ME ABOUT YN BEING COCKY! and Pie and Yn are in the same group since they are both Asian and ppl at my school typically hang out w their rac#is that racist? like there's an asian boys group and asian girls group. but it's only asians and white people; but it's weird since a large#portion of my school is hispanic. i dunno WEIRD SIDE TANGENT BUT BASICALLY THEY ARE IN THE SAME GROUPS; RIGHT? so Pie was agreeing that Yn#can be very pretencious; and I'm then like#oh i don't really like her for the cheating stuff she did with Mac (fake name) and how she got#him to basically cheat on his girlfriendâ and Pie says âoh well Mac started it; but Yn lead him on for over a month while he had a gf#and they kept this going until Yn decided to break things off; WHICH MEANS MAC'S NOW EX GIRLFRIEND NEVER KNEW ABOUT ANYTHING W MAC N YN!#also allegedly according to my boyfriend; Yn was doing homework as Mac was yk DOING it to Yn and she just like... LET IT HAPPEN WHILE HE HA#A GIRLFRIEND. HELLO? and when Yn ends it; he's like âomg but yn... i love you...â âno. i'll only hurt you; if you're with me it'll only hur#uh okay 25k words slowburn vibes.... ANYWAYS so she takes screenshots and sends them in a SUPER big groupchat with 20+ people (including Pi#and my boyfriend) and Pie (who was childhood friends with Mac) called her out saying how it was also kind of her fault for being with a guy#who was in a relationship; but she got super defensive about it. and this same thing happened AGAIN 2ish months later with a girl Jas and#her boyfriend Ben; where Yn was friends with both but basically was emotionally cheating with Jas; leading them to break up; and then she#GOT WITH JAS. HELLO???? WHAT??? and they r still together. none of them talk to Ben even though Yn said they were 'all cool and friends'#SUREEEE GIRL SURE. KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT. and Pie called her out on this AGAIN since Pie is friends with Ben and Jas too but Yn got#defensive AGAIN! BC SHE KNOWS ITS A SHITTY THING TO DO! and Pie doesn't really like her because of it and when Pie told me all of that I wa#in shock. because Yn was trying to play the victim in the situation with Mac when she sent the messages to the gc; and tried to do that AGA#N BUT IN THE SITUATION WITH JAS LIKE NO U ARE JUST A CRAPPY PERSON ! and appearently she is SO toxic she was nearly kicked out from a#leadership role at my school's asian pacific islander club or something! like girl WAKE UP! but that's not all; so i didn't know she was#known for going for people who had partners; yet still didn't like her; and last school year (about 4 months ago) my boyfriend got a 'reall#bad haircut' (i thought it was cute; but everyone made fun of him ) and Yn RAN around our campus trying to find him to make fun of him..#like wtf that's so weird and she will post screenshots of their convos on her story and be like 'omg he's bullying me!' when he's being dry#and did that in the gc (this time; i'm in it!) and i crashed out but my bf was apologizing and saying he told her to not post anything but#she didn't listen or something i guess. and sometimes when they are wearing similar outfits she'll post on her story that they are matching#um girl he has a wife and 12 kids. back the FUCK off. and i told him to distance himself from her or set boundries cuz i don't like that n#it makes me uncomfy; so he did which is good! but i still don't like Yn. she is a major pick-me IMO and very two-faced and covers her
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nobody ever gets the mugshot of gluttony right. these days you think it has nothing to do with bodyweight. what a good trick: that gluttony could take a shape. no, there was never any fault in finishing a meal or in taking second helpings. it was always in taking from others that there was an issue - the oil baron's fingers steepled over dead bodies and stolen lands. gluttony - twin of greed, although most think greed and envy are the siblings - gluttony is pleased with the experience of gaining, is thrilled just-by-having. greed is the one that stays hungry, that has to move forever like a shark. gluttony likes it - "a glutton for punishment" is one who is seeking the harm, who loves the rush.
gluttony is a mother using her daughter's body for a diet testing ground, sharpening the bone angles. gluttony is saying why, well not! to the seventh and eighth mansion or yacht. it is not just wanting the six white horses, it is making sure that the horses came from your stables. it is not just bathing in milk - it is bathing in milk while others are starving.
oh, it's true that some sins still blaze in their bright floral prints. wrath in a white woman yelling at a person of color for even daring to be in her neighborhood. the red, incipient rage of a neck tightened at even the thought we would take the guns away. wrath has laurels, and she is good at her job, and works hard.
but sloth wasn't ever the sleepy morning of depression, the hours spent begging a clouded body to please move goddamn it; the protestant work ethic claiming even rest is somehow demonic. it was never chronic fatigue. sloth was subtle, a grey mist. she is watching you get bullied and she is deciding it is none of her business. she crosses the picket line because - what! it's just chicken, isn't it? she is closing her eyes and turning her head when the next anti-gay legislation passes. someone else will handle it. not the tense freeze of anxiety or a lack of preparation - she knows you're hurting and would rather you stay quiet about it. she tells other people i just don't see what the big deal is.
sloth is a father that doesn't do the dishes. sloth is your boyfriend's innocent shrug you're just better at household shit. sloth isn't the missed opportunity - it is the purposeful desire to just get-someone-else-to-do-it.
greed and envy are doing body shots in the back of a private jet. they are the way they always have been, but are lovers in the age of the internet. greed just finished union busting, is rolling a bitcoin over his knuckles, is about to start another MLM. envy is in a broadbrimmed hat, showing off her instagram life, grinning about how if you want it, work for it.
okay, it's true. you have a soft spot for lust, gathering dust in a corner. so tame in comparison to the others. but how funny lust is always painted as being a woman in tight clothes. you've met actually lustful women - the ones that purposefully climb into your partner's lap, the ones that say lesbians are gross but ask bisexual women into bed with their husbands. a lustful woman is not donned in lace and garters and red: that's how men think lust looks, painting their own sins into frame. this way, the sin displaces as fog and hovers above her: a woman in a dress is lust; what the man experiences is just the natural consequence.
here is the thing: lust is doing just fine, save your pity. lust is running more circles than any of them. lust is shutting down safe sexwork sites while also making teenagers in knee-high socks sex sensations. lust is CEO of an advertising network where women never pass 25 years old. all the bras lust makes are pretty to look at but, when worn, legitimately hurt. lust has a podcast, his fur coat looped around his shoulders, sells the idea that only certain people have value, that sex raises some and destroys others. lust is tilting his head and asking what did you expect when you dress like that? lust shuns you, sneers that everything you want is disgusting and taboo - right until he can figure out how to capitalize off of it. lust has the midas ability: everything he touches becomes an object.
people usually say wrath is the scary one. you agree with FMA here, though: the real dangerous one is pride, and the shit-eating grin. the white cloaks and the nationalism and the inability to apologize. it is every partner who threw a book at your head because you don't respect him. it is every mother who said my son doesn't deserve to have his life ruined over allegations. it is the teacher that fails you because you talked back.
you worry you have this one. you feel guilty when you need help but don't ask for it. prideful. ashamed when you complete something and feel good about it. too proud for your own good. but pride is not the reward of hard work or accomplishment: pride is a twitter feed. it is the thing that has to mask i didn't do anything with look at me.
pride is your father's raised hand, his raised voice. how he was never there when you needed him, but he is still "head of house." he ruins dinner and blames it on you: you're an embarrassment to this family. this is the glass you walk around, the cuts in your feet. how he says this isn't how i raised you and you have to bite back the retort: that's because you didn't actually fucking raise me.
#i personally think having any of these desires is totally fine. it's when u use them to hurt others#it's why having ambitions =/= greed: as long as ur ambition isn't ''i hope i can take someone elses good things''#writeblr#warm up#seven deadly sins
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+ sae x f!reader | wc 4.9k | content: angst, fluff, some making out, implied sex, stupid teenager phase
notes: sobs this was not supposed to be this long ⌠one of yâall need to stop me from writing about this man !! i love him too much, pls send help </3 extra: this is the song playing in the last scene :â)
summary: sae has few interests, and one of them is you. but sometimes, being special just isnât enough.
youâve always been special.
ever since age three when your family moved across the street from where the itoshis lived. ever since age five when you finally gathered the courage to talk to the pair of brothers. ever since age six when sae invited you to play with him and rin. ever since age seven when you cried because someone bullied you at the playground and sae wiped away your tears. ever since age ten when both of you played with paper rings. ever since age eleven when you and sae would talk endlessly at night through the phone and get nagged at by your parents when they found out.
ever since age twelve when you told sae youâd watch him become the best soccer player in the world by his side.
your presence bleeds into saeâs life and he canât think about anything without relating it to you; like how his breakfast tastes like ass when youâre not smearing your stupid peanut butter on it because apparently peanut better goes well with everything is your phase at that point of time. like how heâs walking home and heâll always have to crane his head to the right just to check if youâre on your front porch swing, because if you are, heâll wave and then youâll smile and wave back, and sae would feel like itâs a special code you two share.
youâre probably the only thing he pays his spare attention to. and rin. you, rin, soccer. thatâs all.
you complain way too much, especially at the fact that sae doesnât smile often. he counters, âthatâs none of your business.â
and you tell him one day youâll be the reason he smiles everyday.
sae thinks itâs kind of stupid though, because you already are. you just arenât around to see it. heâll probably never let you see it too. he wouldnât hear the end of it if he did.
it isnât long before youâre age fifteen and graduating middle school and youâre excited to start high school. it didnât really make a difference for sae, as long as he got to play soccer, he really couldnât care less.
when youâre age sixteen you tell sae that a boy from class broke your heart because he didnât accept your valentinesâ chocolates. it was as good as a rejection, apparently. or whatever girl code says it is.
frankly, saeâs just offended. youâve never given him any valentinesâ shit. all of a sudden some no name guy is getting it?
maybe itâs true what people say, teenage girls cry over stupid things they consider love thatâs not actually love. now youâre getting his soccer jersey wet with your tears and youâre crooning on and on about how boys suck but somehow saeâs still the best.
youâre sixteen and crying on saeâs shoulder, while heâs seventeen and wishing he could torture the son of a bitch who made you cry.
this is the closest youâve ever been, physically. your heartâs not really broken because whoever youâre crying about has never really had it. but sae doesnât know that.
teenage girls make really stupid decisions sometimes. and other times, they making stupid passing comments, like when you say âglad i didnât let him kiss me. would suck for my first kiss to be with a dick who didnât give a shit about me.â
sometimes teenage boys make stupid decisions too.
sae doesnât really know what possesses him to do this, but he doesnât stop it. he doesnât stop his hand from reaching out to you, doesnât stop his fingers from tilting your chin up. thereâs only confusion in your eyes when he looks into them. thereâs only hesitation in his.
saeâs not anything to you except for a childhood friend, and youâre not anything to him, except for one of the most beautiful people heâs ever met. thatâs why he does this slowly, so you have time to stop this.
he has no right to do this. he wishes you would just stop him.
youâre both teenagers when sae becomes your first kiss, when your tears stain his cheeks and he tastes like the fruits he just ate. youâre both delirious off of the feeling, like neither of you want this to end because your lips stay connected even when youâre not moving, and your lashes are fluttering against one anotherâs and sae really wants to kiss you again.
but itâs late and your parents are probably the ones knocking on his door right now so he stops himself and pulls away while rin bounds down the stairs to open the door.
sae sees nothing but you, you and your pretty face and your pretty lips and your perfect perfect person.
âthere, now your first kiss is with a dick who does care about you.â
itâs that same summer and youâve forgotten all about the stupid boy that supposedly broke your heart. you have sae with you whenever heâs free, when he decides to bring you out after practice and explore rooftops to find the best view for the fireworks.
youâre not together, but it sure feels like you are.
then itâs autumn and the leaves are turning orange and red, and you swear you see saeâs cheeks and ears turn nearly the same shade when he holds your hand for the first time as you walk through the park, a white cat crossing in front of you.
sae blames it on his practice earlier and that heâs tired because thereâs no way heâll ever admit itâs because of you.
when winter comes, saeâs still taking care of you. nothing stops him from playing soccer, but nothing can stop him from finding you either. saeâs starting to regret his decisions when you force him to go ice skating and look at him expectantly whenever you see a mistletoe.
youâre a lot of work, maybe youâre worth it.
and then you kiss him again and he thinks yes, maybe he can do this. he can juggle soccer and you, itâll magically work out.
finally itâs spring and youâre excited because you love the cherry blossoms, and sae thinks maybe he loves something else but heâs not going to go there yet. and while everyoneâs watching the solar eclipse that one night, saeâs watching you.
for once, he wants to believe in superstitions, wants to believe what watching the solar eclipse means.
âwhatâs the matter?â
youâre always so perceptive. youâd make a great playmaker, he feels.
of course you pick up on the tension, barely a minute after you walk into his room. sae doesnât want to ruin this, whatever this is, whether itâs love or something less, or maybe something more.
but itâs not a democracy, and the answer is crystal clear in saeâs mind. his answerâs always been the same, but itâs not like you donât exist in his world.
âthe club in spain gave me an offer.â
thatâs all he needs to say to make you understand. and if you werenât the most understanding person he knows, you mightâve reacted differently, but youâre still the same supportive, kind girl he met at age four.
âwhen do you go?â your voice is shaky and he knows youâre trying to hold it together.
saeâs sorry, really.
ânext month.â
itâs not a lot of time, but probably enough to say goodbye. then you throw your arms around him and you work your magic, you say you want to try despite the distance, despite the unknown timeline. and who is sae if not someone whoâd give it a try?
heâs not even sure he can ever say no to you.
it doesnât seem real until the night before he leaves, because youâre eighteen and standing in his near barren room, everything already packed into boxes and loaded.
maybe itâs the fact heâll be gone for a very long time, doesnât know when heâll see you again. maybe itâs the adrenaline rushing through his veins when he feels you pressed up against him. maybe itâs the fact heâs denying the depth of his feelings for you and itâs getting him frustrated.
or maybe itâs because heâs selfish and he doesnât want anyone else to have you, just like how he gave you your first kiss.
heâs your first kiss, and heâll be your first time, with your hands clawing at his clothes. and youâll be his, with the way heâs grabbing onto your bare back so desperately.
youâre eighteen and you think nothingâs prettier than the sounds sae makes, especially when his lips are right next to your ear, with his hot breath fanning against you.
saeâs nineteen and he thinks youâre the best thing heâs ever tasted, in all sense of the word. he thinks you look pretty in pink, still pretty when you wear nothing too.
and suddenly sae thinks that maybe it doesnât feel so crazy to think that the both of you might make it through this.
long distance can work for some people. but sometimes itâs just meant to drive two people further away.
saeâs gaining momentum in europe, and youâre proud of him. youâre proud of your boyfriend, doing his best and showing off his talents and having his hard work pay off.
youâre really, genuinely happy for him. but the bigger of a star he is, the further away he feels, and maybe itâs selfish of you to want him here, to want him to be just your neighbour itoshi sae like how things started out.
maybe itâs selfish and wishful thinking, but you canât help yourself.
sometimes sae doesnât even have time to look at his phone. heâs tired and overwhelmed and understandably too. and you feel guilty everytime you subject him to your insecurities.
but youâre nineteen and you donât know better.
rinâs not much fun to hang around with, especially when he got more stoic and awkward. heâs like a mirror of his brother, and that may fool a lot of people, except you knew him before that. but youâre not going to butt your head in things that donât concern you, so you leave him be.
and suddenly the itoshis seem further away than theyâve ever been. for the first time in your life, youâre not sure if trying will be enough anymore.
sae misses you. thatâs whenever he has the free time to think, when heâs not hounded by trainings after trainings, when heâs not busy from day to night with whatever new training regime theyâve got him on.
is he aware that heâs probably being the worldâs worst boyfriend now? yes. but sae canât force himself to choose that over his dreams. canât force himself not to choose soccer.
[17:08] sheâs fine, idk what youâre worried about.
rinâs message doesnât alleviate his worries. sae knows you better than anyone, and he doesnât believe youâre fine.
[08:08] hey sae :)
[17:34] going to bed now, gn!! <3
sae stares at your message for a while in the locker room, while everyone else is showering. youâve cooled off on the pet names, youâre worried youâre overstepping. youâre worried heâs lost his feelings.
heâs not.
heâd be crazy to.
but he canât find the energy to convince himself that this would turn out fine. he canât convince himself that heâs not hurting you every single day by not being able to be everything you need, by not being able to be physically there for you.
this half-assed relationship isnât what you deserve. and where he is right now, with his birdâs eye view of the world, he doesnât know if he can ever give you anything else.
[17:49] goodnight. call you tomorrow.
the moment sae breaks up with you, you feel like that kid at sixteen all over again, except this time you donât have your favourite personâs shoulder to cry on and this time itâs actually love.
all you can think of when you hear him pick up the phone is that morning right before he left for the airport, how his hairâs a mess and how his lashes are way too pretty and how he sounded when heâs all groggy and tired.
but then he tells you the one thing you do not want to hear, and the illusion is shattered into pieces.
âthis isnât working out.â
âwhat are you talking about?â heâs silent, and youâre anxious. âweâre fine, sae.â
you can hear him sighing over the phone. you so desperately want to fix this, and so does sae but he canât think of anything more selfish than to ask you to wait for him until heâs readyâhe knows whatâs the right thing to do. it sucks, but heâs made up his mind.
âthatâs bullshit, y/n,â he responds, calmly, and you feel him slipping further and further from you.
âi- look, i-i know itâs hard but we canââ
âgive it a break, woman,â sae chuckles, low and deep, and youâre beginning to doubt that you know him at all right now. âweâre done.â
the dial tone is all you can hear after that.
twenty years old is where you have your first actual heartbreak.
and all that talk about how time heals all feels like bullshit when youâre right in the middle of it all. five days in and youâre still a wreck. twenty days later and youâre still staring at the pictures you and sae took together. a month passes and youâre visiting the places you went to together. just a sad, pathetic girl crying on the benches, reliving what she once had.
three months later youâre still watching his matches on tv. youâre still cheering for him inside. four months later and itâs saeâs birthday and he doesnât even respond to your birthday message. half a year after the breakup and you finally stop crying when you think of him.
but itâs easy to delude yourself when youâre not in the presence of what you grieve. because eight months after you broke up, you see reports that saeâs dating a sports photographer. the next few days, a picture is released of them kissing in a restaurant.
then you get glimpses of other girls being able to be intimate with him. other girls getting to taste his lips and feel his love. other girls getting his attention when that right used to solely belong to you.
and youâve never felt worse.
âwhy so glum?â
sae blinks at the woman, indifferent. he canât even remember her name.
ânadia,â she says, like sheâs reading his goddamn mind, holding her hand out. âiâve been your teamâs photographer for a few months now.â
sae shakes her hand out of courtesy because he really doesnât want his publicist to chew him out again. âdidnât ask.â
âyou know, youâre a lot more crabby these days,â she comments, and itâs like he can see the lightbulb going off in her head. âoh, is it girlfriend issues?â
âi donât have one, so shut it.â
âcome on, i promise iâm good at making people forget.â she says this so seductively that saeâs a little disturbed. he just wants to get this shoot done with and go home, maybe even check up on you a little. all in incognito mode, of course, because he canât risk you knowing he still cares. canât risk getting your hopes up.
somehow the stars have spent all their time aligning saeâs soccer career and everything else is in tatters because his publicist forces him to take nadia up on her offer and go out with her.
what was supposed to be a one time thing turned out to be something more. she wasnât even close to you, but she could be close. turns out when heâs not being such a dick, nadia can be moderately interesting.
different, maybe thatâs what he needs.
he thinks back to when she kissed him on their first date. sae still finds himself hoping you didnât see that.
but no, heâs not in love with you anymore. saeâs officially an adult at twenty-one and heâs still the same stubborn guy in denial because heâs looking at pictures of you while nadiaâs sitting right next to him.
itâs not healthy, it really isnât.
youâre twenty-one now and youâre actually going on a date with the sole intention of trying to get over the one and only itoshi sae.
can you even trust your friend? all you know is that the guy is a friend of a best friendâs and thatâs all she told you.
âmy best friendâs a good guy, so by extension, so is his best friend,â was all she said.
now youâre here, at the amusement park, waiting for your date to show himself because apparently, in your friendâs bid for suspense, she was reluctant to share anything about him except that heâs dreamy and pretty and that his friend describes him as a genius.
and also âoh, heâs a soccer player too so thatâs right up your alley, right?â
when the call from date guy comes in (because to stop you from profiling your date she also didnât give you his name), you kind of like his voice.
âhey, where are you?â
you find out his name is nagi. and that heâs only here because reo stole his switch and he wonât give it back until the dateâs over. which kind of works because you tell him youâre only here because you wanted to get over someone.
to which he says itâs a hassle.
thereâs nothing you expect out of this, but then you find yourself enjoying your date.
itâs clear by the first fifteen minutes why nagi chose this place to meet. heâs absurdly good at games. heâs won you tons of plushies that you had to give away to some very happy kids. itâs a pattern; every game that he doesnât know, he only loses once and then he proceeds to dominate.
no wonder his friend calls him a genius.
with nagi itâs easy, fluid. youâve been spending the whole night there with him, playing together and eating togetherâwell, mostly itâs just you feeding nagi because it turns out he finds a lot of things a hassle.
three days later, you find out that apparently youâre not a hassle in his books. not really, because he asks you out again.
itâs irrational.
sae shouldnât be this bothered, but he is. he hates seeing your stupid updates about how youâre on a date with this nagi guy. he hates seeing your posts with the two of you wearing matching sweaters for christmas.
he gives it a like.
nadiaâs already gone. sae doesnât have time or energy to waste on people that donât matter. and you shouldnât matter. not right now. but here he is, wishing the circumstances were different.
if you and nadia switched places. if you had something to bring you to spain. itâs fucking selfish, he knows. doesnât stop him from wishing for it. he canât think of anyone else like how he thinks of you. doesnât want to.
he really is clueless about everything outside of soccer, because heâs twenty-two when he realises that no one could ever make him forget about you, and maybe he should just live with it.
sae turns twenty-three when heâs in the running for being the worldâs best midfielder. heâs gotten rid of the hopes of moving on and heâll just fake it till he makes it.
maybe thatâs why this year is particularly special to him. or maybe itâs because for the first time in a long while, you wish him happy birthday.
at midnight, in japan. because youâre thoughtful that way.
this time he responds.
thanks. how r u?
itâs criminal how easy it is for you to get his heart beating like this. he sees you typing and itâs enough to lift his mood.
great, schoolâs kicking my ass though.
sae finds himself wishing that he could hear your voice right now. for some stupidly non-complex reason that he finds completely absurd.
i saw your match last week, good game, genius.
fuck. after all this time, he still wants you.
his fingers type i miss you, just for the hell of it. just to see it there on his screen before he inevitably deletes it and replaces it with something mediocre like thanks or i know.
because he canât just say that after being the one who broke things off. he canât do that when he still thinks it wonât work out.
all he does is sigh and hit the delete buttonâexcept fuck, he accidentally hit send. and he wouldâve deleted it if you werenât already online and read it and he sees you typing for a moment before you stop completely and go offline.
sae has never felt more numb.
itâs been three months since sae said he missed you. you still canât get that out of your head. the most upfront heâs been about his feelings and he chooses then of all times to be honest?
when your boyfriend was right beside you?
maybe it was your fault. you didnât even know why you wished him a happy birthday. maybe you missed him too and was just lying to yourself.
god, maybe youâre the asshole in this after all. did you really love nagi? or was he just exceptionally well at making you forget? you really really like him, thatâs all you know.
âhey, whatâs wrong?â nagiâs looking at you, pushing his hair back, and you canât help but think youâre lucky to have him these past few months.
but the turmoil inside you wins, and maybe you understand a little bit of how sae felt that night when he broke up with you.
itâs not fair to nagi for you to do this, but itâs not fair to him either to keep him around.
âwe need to talk.â
itâs a surreal feeling, to be back in japan.
sae was nineteen when he left. now heâs twenty-seven when he breathes the tokyo air again. he lugs around his carry-on baggage because heâs not staying here for long. not yet. heâs coming back soon, and he doesnât really know why. heâs milked everything he could from spain, from the rest of europe, some of the americas, and maybe heâs homesick now.
plain and simple.
the cab driver asks him why he looks so sharp, and he simply says, âwedding.â
itâs been seven years since he broke up with you. and your grip on him is as firm as ever. a grip heâll never let you know you have on him because heâs made this mistake beforeâsaid i miss you and then scared you away.
by the next day he couldnât even find you online because everything is wiped and maybe you hate him, hate his guts. thatâs fine. he can live with that.
to him, youâre still the same lovable person as you were at age five. still the same girl at age sixteen that he fell in love with. youâre still his person and itâs fine if he has to just admire you from afar.
when he arrives, he takes a long hard look around the room, filled with guests socialising and drinking their wines and itâs so pathetic but heâs wondering if youâre still around. heâs late, and itâs his planeâs fault but itâs no use playing the blame game.
âhey,â rin calls out when he sees his brother. âyou missed the ceremony.â
âyeah, stupid plane got delayed,â sae says, mind still distracted.
rin formally introduces his new wife to sae and she seems nice, polite, the kind that can put his brother in his place if she needs to. thatâs nice. sae canât help envisioning you in the wedding dress though. youâd look nice.
nicer if he was the one beside you.
âoh! as a gift to my now brother-in-law, i have a friend i want to set you up with,â she grins, and as much of an ass that sae is, he just figures heâll reject the poor girl later. for now, heâll entertain his new sister-in-law.
rin claps him on the shoulder before smirking and walking off, presumably to get a drink because no matter how much rin has changed, sae doubts heâll ever become friendly enough to mingle in this crowd.
sae feels someone poking his shoulder and turns around, first to find his sister-in-law grinning from ear to ear, and next to find you next to her, just like he remembers.
pretty in pink, stupid bashful smile, still fucking beautiful.
âhave fun,â rinâs wife says before she walks off with a knowing look. sheâs already winning points with sae for bringing you to him.
âhey, genius,â you try to suppress your smile but itâs not working.
he thinks heâs dreaming. heâs not. heâs here. and so are you. and this might just be what he missed all this time.
you hold your hand out and he takes it wordlessly, obediently. sae follows you to the dance floor, trying to calm his erratic heartbeats, savouring the feeling of your hand in his once again, remembering that moment back in autumn when he first felt it.
when you wrap your hands around his neck and he wraps his around your waist, it feels like finally, something is real. like thereâs something in this country that can really keep him here this time. because now heâs twenty-seven and he finally understands, heâs always loved you but heâs never been ready until now.
âcanât believe you let your brother get married before you,â you say, sarcasm because youâre breaking into a grin. âhe actually beat you at something.â
sae pouts slightly, averting his gaze. âwhatâs the big deal anyway?â
you shrug. âiâd have thought youâd be the first. maybe with one of the girls you met abroad or something.â
thereâs a certain bitterness in your tone that he likes, only because it means you minded all this time. the thought of him with someone else. he suddenly remembers something, and searches the room for a familiar face.
gray eyes meet his teal ones before they turn away, disinterested.
âyou sure your boyfriend wonât mind you dancing with your ex?â
âprobably not, since i donât have one.â you smirk, sensing the bitterness in his tone too. itâs funny, seeing sae jealous like this.
he has no reason to though, since you broke up with nagi after being honest with yourselfâthat youâre not over sae and you probably never will be. youâd decided to just live with your decision.
âshame. thought you guys looked cute in those matching sweaters.â
so that was a jealous like, you think to yourself.
âthought you looked cute with that sports photographer girl too, kissing and all,â you say, though it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. âwhy didnât that work out?â
for the first time in his life, sae decides to be outright honest with youâ
âbecause sheâs not you.â because everytime she said his name, heâd overlay it with your voice in his head. because everytime sheâd tried to get close, heâd resent her more for not being you. because no matter how hard anyone tries, they will never be you and that will never work, not for sae.
âto a certain degree.
heâs twenty-seven when heâs finally old enough to understand that it was never a problem with feelings because heâs always loved you all the same all this time. it was just a matter of being ready at the right time. itâs like luck in the world of soccer, where coincidences can only fall to those who are prepared.
and heâs here now. heâs ready.
call him crazy for thinking youâre on the same page because youâre getting closer and closer and closer.
âitoshi sae,â you whisper his name against his lips and heâs reminded of the first time he had you. you drive him crazy and he thinks heâll keep on letting you. âi missed you too.â
you did. you used to be too young and inexperienced to put yourself in saeâs shoes. too young and naive thinking emotions were enough for two people to stay. sometimes, some things just arenât meant to be⌠in the moment. and other times, when youâre both ready, everything suddenly falls into place.
you were sixteen when sae first kissed you. now ten years later, ten years wiser, you kiss again, and this feels significantly better than before. because now you both know.
sae has known you ever since you were three. and he thinks heâll keep on knowing you, every day, every hour, every minute. he wants to know you forever. and heâs thinking maybe that superstition worked out after all. maybe it was destined to be like this all along.
two people coming together and falling apart only to end up in each otherâs arms.
and he thinks fuck superstition, fuck the white cats and solar eclipses and everything else. even if things threaten not to work, this time heâll make it work.
saeâs known you for so long he overlooked one simple thing. when he kisses you even deeper and is greeted with your lips smiling against his, he knows.
he hasnât become the worldâs best soccer player yet, but when he does, youâll be by his side.
one day those paper rings the both of you played with when you were little would be real.
youâve always been special, and you always will be.
now heâs finally home.
#bllk x reader#itoshi sae x reader#sae x reader#blue lock x reader#sae itoshi x reader#blue lock fluff#blue lock angst#itoshi sae x you#itoshi sae x y/n#sae itoshi x you#sae itoshi x y/n#blue lock x you#blue lock x y/n#bllk x you#bllk x y/n#itoshi sae angst#itoshi sae fluff#૪ aeriâs fics !
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? ઠ PICK A CARD
Hello lovelies, I hope you're having a wonderful week! This is perhaps the first heavily shadow work focused PAC I bring to you. I'm quite nervous to post this, since I know delivering these messages can be difficult and I don't like taking a harsh, judgmental approach. I hope this reading resonates. As always, feedback is highly appreciated! If you liked this reading, please consider tipping me at @ [email protected]! xo âĄ
paid readings are closed as of february 2024
none of the images are mine unless stated otherwise!
pick a card masterlist & information
how to choose your pile. Â take a few deep breaths for and look at each and of the piles separately. see which one brings you to a feeling, a place or a memory. take your time and feel free to come back to it later!
amourdivine. 2021 - 2024 Š do not copy, redistribute or edit my content.
ŕ¨ŕ§ PILE ONE
who is your shadow self? eight of swords ⢠knight of cups ⢠nine of wands ⢠queen of wands
Your shadow self is the fearful side of you attached to anxiety. The side of you that does not believe you can save yourself from bad situations and feels endlessly hopeless, helpless and trapped. It causes a self-fulfilling prophecy, one where you think you'll inevitably fail, so you self-sabotage (either consciously or not) and end up "proving" yourself right.
However, as helpless as your shadow feels, it never asks for help. It's trapped in a spiral of shame and self-doubt, even self-hatred. All of this happens mentally for most of you, to the point where your body is neglected or stuck in flight / freeze mode. I feel stuck in the gutter, unable to move in the sticky mud. Despite your best efforts to succeed, you may suffer from impostor's syndrome as well, an inability to see your worth, your beauty and your own light. It's almost as if you're scared of your own power, pile one. Very painful, very self-inflicted and something which you may have learn from childhood, maybe you got bullied a lot or were heavily criticized by the people around you. If that happened, I'm so sorry pile one. You deserved so much better. You still do.
how can you work with your shadow self? nine of cups ⢠the sun ⢠queen of swords ⢠queen of wands
You know, when I was entering college, I had a counselor whose words were life changing to me. One day, he picked up a cup full of coffee and asked me: how do you get rid of the coffee, without throwing it out entirely? And I was puzzled. It wasn't possible. Him, in his neverending patience, took me to the water station and started pouring water onto it, until the coffee was cleared away and all that remained was clean, crystal liquid.
Maybe the bad things that happened still haunt you, but they can be drawn out by the good ones. Seek for the light, pile one. Seek the nurturing experiences, the days when you allow yourself to just be, seek the help, the love and stay open to the love. Stay open to the idea that yes, you are worthy, even if you do not feel like it, even if so many people have made you feel otherwise.
These wounds may not fade entirely with time, but you are more than them, always. Always. I know it's never easy to challenge what we've been taught about ourselves, but in order to unlearn all of that, you will have to learn the new things, the true things about you. If they said you were lazy - was that really true? Or were you just tired? You're not "naive", you're pure. You're not "too sensitive", you're in tune with your emotions.
The stories we tell ourselves hold power. What stories are you telling about yourself? Maybe it's time to switch to a new point of view, one where you can rewrite yourself as the person you were never allowed to be.
ŕ¨ŕ§ PILE TWO
who is your shadow self? judgement ⢠five of swords ⢠ten of cups ⢠king of wands
Your shadow self is the side of you that thrives in chaos - listen, that's not entirely a bad thing, after all, our shadow reflects something which we need to acknowledge, nurture and work with. However, when you perceive danger or feel threatened, you may turn to harsh words or hurtful actions to avenge yourself.
It can manifest in the form of extreme competitive behavior, the inability to rest, overworking, even maybe envy, jealousy and arrogance sometimes. Now, I'm not here to judge or shame you, you're safe here. I think you have and still feel the need to prove yourself to others, to prove them all wrong. Maybe other people told you that you couldn't do it - and you took it all personally, so personally that it crumbles your self-esteem when someone diminishes your efforts or accomplishments.
Your shadow side craves attention, praise and approval. You want to succeed, to be someone you're proud of, to just never feel insecure, diminished or ignored again. You can also turn possessive with loved ones, wondering if they really love you or if they are lying. There's a lot of skepticism here, too.
how can you work with your shadow self? judgement ⢠ace of pentacles ⢠three of pentacles ⢠eight of swords
Acknowledge your feelings and these insecurities. "Fake it 'till you make it" doesn't always work. Being vulnerable is, ironically, also being strong. Understanding your limitations and allowing for other people to collaborate with you (and vice-versa) will take you even further in life.
Your sense of justice is commendable. Make sure you're using it for justice indeed, and not just vengeance. Your ambition can walk hand in hand with your desire to do good, to make space for everyone else to shine, to open up to others, let them see all of you. No one can love perfection - even if they could, what's there to love about something or someone so perfect that they barely feel human?
It's okay to be scared, to feel insecure, to not shove difficult emotions under the rug. We cannot be at our 100% all the time. And we cannot please everyone, all the time. What you can do is praise yourself, let others praise you when they do and accept it gracefully, making sure you're spreading your warmth and wisdom to others as well. See, I think you have overcome a lot and a lot of people could use your help, either in the form of advice, resources or a shoulder to lean on.
You have leadership potential, pile two. Don't limit yourself by being alone. We were never meant to make it on our own.
ŕ¨ŕ§ PILE THREE
who is your shadow self? ace of wands ⢠page of swords ⢠three of cups ⢠king of pentacles
Your shadow self is someone who may indulge in harmful habits out of a need for instant gratification, maybe reckless spending, speed driving, partying everyday or simply not saving up resources and caring about the future. Your shadow self is someone who hates boredom, who craves excitement and cannot fully deal with long-term commitment in its many forms. It wants novelty, adventure and it comes at the cost of your responsibilities, your routine and your friendships even.
This shadow self hates suffering (fair enough, who doesn't?!) and will to go great lengths to avoid it... but ironically, it causes you more pain in the long run by avoiding the unavoidable. By never crying, never addressing your issues or your difficult moments, you end up running right back into yourself and these same issues return.
This side of you doesn't want to grow up - you don't want to fall into the trap of routine and a boring, 9-5 job. But excessive habits are difficult to maintain, no matter how good it feels in the short term. There's a difficult, troubled perception of adulthood and life itself. A need for constant adventure and chaos, a feeling of entrapment whenever you are with anyone who loves you, because you fear being controlled, tamed and used.
how can you work with your shadow self? the tower ⢠nine of wands ⢠nine of cups ⢠three of pentacles
To put it simply, let yourself hurt. Let the foundations of your heart crumble, stop to feel just for a second. You don't have to be on the run all the time. What are you running from, pile three? Disaster, pain and hurt are often inevitable, but they do not have to be the be-all, end-all of our lives. The Tower is a reminder that all that crumbles was meant to crumble eventually, and there is beauty in letting things end naturally, allowing the flow of life to do its thing.
That means aging, growing, learning from the seasons. I think you have a very, very deep heart and mind you're scared to tap into. You're scared to be trapped in the endless hustle, to never feel alive or good once you "settle". But who says the big joys are the only ones that matter? As someone said once, big joys and small joys are often the same. Sometimes, waking up in itself can be an adventure. Don't overlook or underestimate the ways life tries to find you, to cling to you - remember to embark on the hard journeys, knowing you'll have gotten something valuable in the end.
You're brave and rebellious. You can be a catalyst for change in so many ways. Who said adulthood has to be boring? Who said you have to work a 9-5? Do you have to get married? Maybe being a stay-at-home parent isn't for you. That's okay.
Challenging the status quo may not be easy, but you have a natural inclination for it. Your shadow self can dive deeper. It's one of your greatest tools. Your need for joy and fun is not shameful - you can use it for healing, instead of self-destruction.
ŕ¨ŕ§ PILE FOUR
who is your shadow self? judgment rx ⢠justice ⢠the high priestess rx ⢠knight of swords
Your shadow self is the side of you that refuses to acknowledge your needs, your wants and desires. It makes you live inside of a bubble, scared of the truth, even if it will set you free. I had the hardest time shuffling for this pile, I kept trying and trying but nothing made sense. I think this is how your shadow side manifests as well, in the lack of clarity, the fogginess that permeates the choices you've regretted.
It's both reckless and frozen, completely lost in a maze, confused, looking for a path, for directions, for anything. It's almost as if you lost your compass, nothing eventually guides you and you remain looking for the directions only you have.
It's too scared to admit what it wants, who you are. Both out of fear of what other people will say, but also out of fear that it'll all go wrong. It's the side of you that remains disconnected from yourself, hidden because it keeps highlighting the aspects you keep trying to ignore, to not know. It can manifest in a lot of ways, either through people-pleasing or being completely reckless. Through lying, denial or even isolation from the world, from life itself.
Something funny is that a song by Bad Suns that just started playing really relates to this pile. "Cinderella slips into a dream like a curse / you could mistake it for heaven at first." This shadow self may live in projection, daydreaming or simply keep you out of touch with everything.
how can you work with your shadow self? six of pentacles ⢠page of wands ⢠two of wands ⢠king of cups
Engagement and socializing are big ways you can work with your shadow self. Being actively curious about the world, about people. Approaching relationships, truths and life itself with genuine interest, no judgement or shaming thoughts involved.
Telling yourself you're an eternal student of this world, because we are and remembering you don't have to know everything. Start scared. Most things, you'll have to do it scared. Unprepared. In the thick of it all, you'll find the answers you need, but only if you are willing to dive deep for them. No taking shortcuts, making assumptions or allowing self-doubt to paralyze your living, because you need to witness life as it is.
Therapy is one big thing, music as well. Anything that connects you to your deepest self, relationships that genuinely make room for who you are, good friends that feel safe and non-judgemental. Your heart has been calling you for so long, pile four. It's about time you listen to it. It knows everything you need to know.
disclaimer. tarot not a substitute for medical and professional advice, nor is it meant to be taken as such. i do not take responsibility for any choice(s) made by you or others regarding my readings. please remember you are responsible for life and in power of it, no one else! âĄ
amourdivine. 2021 - 2024 Š do not copy, redistribute or edit my content.
#pick a card#tarotblr#tarot reading#pick a card reading#tarot#pac reading#astrology#witchblr#tarot witch#pagan#mine.
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OH MY GOODNESSS I was wondering, if you can pretty please do a lost boys X reader (poly if your comfortable with it) but sheâs a wallflower? Like maybe she moved to Santa Carla and sheâs bullied? Maybe a sprinkle of insecurity but ends up meeting the lost boys at the boardwalk and they just. Canât. Leave. Her. Alone? Sheâs their mate and sheâs so flustered cause the HOTTEST guys sheâs ever seen are paying attention to her? Pretty pretty please?đĽšđĽšđĽš Iâll love you forever
Poly! The Lost Boys x Shy! Fem! Reader
Author's notes!: I had to look up what 'Wallflower' means lol, for those who don't know, a Wallflower is basically someone who kinda hangs back during parties because they are too shy. TW: READER IS FEM!! Bullying, mentioned violence, vampire stuff, the boys being obsessed right from the start. I tried so hard not to describe Reader in this, I try to be as inclusive as I can, but if anything is mentioned it's because I'm tired lol, I'll fix it, just bring it up in the comments and I'll track it down o7. This probably sucks, I'm sorry.
You had moved to Santa Carla looking for a fresh start a few weeks ago. You weren't used to the weird styles, the smell of weed and gas that seemed to constantly cover the streets, the loud boardwalk parties, none of it. So naturally, you kept to yourself, hanging back during parties and avoiding eye contact, unfortuantely, Santa Carla was not a place people like you, shy wallflowers, were treated right.Â
Some people ignored you at best, theyâd glare at you when you waved or smiled at them, theyâd ignore you if you asked questions, they avoided you. But a lot of people were downright cruel to you. They mocked you at parties, some openly tried to take things from you or would push you around. People were never openly violent with you, at first, but after a few weeks they started getting more violent, pushing you around and screaming in your face. It was mostly the people who were either on drugs or drunk. It was mostly the men and their girlfriends who were openly hostile and mean to you. You wished youâd never moved to this place, it was gross, the people were indifferent at best and downright cruel at worst, and you missed people you knew in your past. You wish you werenât like you were, so quiet and shy. Hell, it had been years since you could look in the mirror and see someone you didnât view as hideous looking back at you, but Santa Carla made it so much worse.
It was yet another late night in Santa Carla. Another night of wandering the boardwalk while you tried to avoid the harassment you got from people. You werenât surprised every time you were shoved aside, or shouted at by a familiar group. Honestly, you didnât wanna deal with that tonight, you wanted to walk around, maybe go see whoever was playing a show that night and see if they were actually good, and then head back to your apartment, but it seemed whatever form of fate you believed in had a different idea, because the group just wouldnât leave you alone, shouting random shit, from âWeirdoâ to one girl just straight up calling you ugly. You were fighting back tears.Why the hell were people so needlessly cruel? Whatever, itâs nothing new.Â
You stopped by some area where people on the beach park their bikes. You took the biggest breath you possibly could when you realized your tormenters werenât following you anymore, so you could finally breath.Â
That was until you heard voices, four guys, you guessed. You looked in their direction and, for the first time since moving to Santa Carla, you got that butterfly feeling in your gut. That wasnât a thing you had felt since high school. You swore the bullies you faced then laughed the feeling out of you, but these four seemed to knock the breath you had just taken out of you. Damn, they were hot. Three of the four men were blonde, one had curly hair, one had fluffy hair, and the third guy had a haircut that kind of reminded you of Billy Idol, he was smoking a cigarette. And then there was the one that seemed to be trailing behind, observing people around them while the other three, mostly the ones with curly hair and fluffy hair, laughed and joked. The fourth guy had long, dark brown hair. You stared for a minute longer before snapping yourself out of whatever daze you had been in.Â
They had stopped walking, they were staring right at you, and you immediately prepared your apology in your head. Quietly standing up, and then one of the four, the fluffy-haired one, said something you assumed wasnât meant to be said out loud.
âHoly shit, Marko, sheâs hot.âÂ
You looked over at the four, confused, the man was immediately smacked across the back of the head by the one with the cigarette.
âDonât say shit like that out loud, dumbass.â
You were staring at the four, your face suddenly warming up at the idea that they were talking about you. You figured it was a stupid thought, there were other hot girls around the boardwalk, why would any of these four think you were hot? Then, the one with the cigarette cleared his throat.
âSorry about that, doll. Paul canât seem to keep his mouth shut around pretty girls.â He said, glaring back at the one with fluffy hair, you assumed he was Paul.
The one with curly hair snickered a bit and looked over at Paul, before the one with the cigarette spoke up again, he quickly shut up then.
âIâm David, The guy behind me is Dwayne, and those two are Paul and Marko.â He said
You nodded softly, even their names were hot, what the hell? David and the other three were staring at you with a confusing amount of attention.Â
Paul had an almost immediately obsessed or enamored look in his eyes, like you were just the prettiest thing heâd ever seen, Marko also looked absolutely in love with you already, both had the same look in their eyes, the other two, Dwayne and David didnât seem in love, if they were, they were hiding it well enough.Â
âSo, where ya off to, sweets?â Paul said, giving you a soft grin.
âOh, I was about to head home,â You reply, and they all suddenly seem to perk up a bit.
âOh, really? Well, maybe, instead of that, you could come and hang out with me and the guys?â David asked, motioning to their bikes.Â
Something about these four feltâŚsupernatural. They carried themselves with such confidence, and something unseen seemed to be pulling you to them. You thought for a minute. Was it a good idea? Maybe not. It felt too good to be true, four hot boys, paying attention to you? They stared, waiting for your answer. Against your better judgment, you made your choice.
âSure, I donât see why I couldnât.âÂ
Paul and Marko got visibly excited. Paul grabbed your hand quickly and led you over to their bikes, the other three following behind him, laughing at Paulâs excitement. You were carefully put on the back of one of their bikes and David got on in front of you, looking back at you when you wrap your arms around him.
âHold on tight, alright?âÂ
You could only nod before the four sped off, David following behind the more rambunctious two, with Dwayne behind him.Â
At the time you didnât know it, but come the end of the next week, youâd be theirs, and youâd have no complaints about it.
This got so long lol.
Sorry it ended like it did, it's 4 am here and I'd dying.
more coming tomorrow <333
#the lost boys#the lost boys x reader#tlb 1987#tlb x reader#tlb david x reader#tlb dwayne x reader#tlb paul x reader#tlb marko x reader#david tlb#dwayne tlb#paul tlb#marko tlb
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I actually fucking hate Mr. Jägerman here's why
Mr. Jägerman is a character in the Hatchetfield universe who is never onstage and only mentioned in 1 (one) line. This was enough to ignite my rage.
It's because in this one line, so much is revealed about Max's character. So let's dissect that.
Max is mean. We know this. The very first thing established about him is how threatening he is. But I think his character often gets lost in the 'bully' identity, because just like every other Hatchetfield character, he is layered and complex.
We also find out two other things about him pretty much immediately: He has a crush on Grace (we'll come back to that) and he needs to feel in control.
There's a lot of evidence to support this. He repeatedly refers to himself as the 'god' of Hatchetfield High. He creates arbitrary rules around who his friends can date. He creates arbitrary rules around where the nerds are 'allowed' to go. And the moment someone implies he is not as powerful as he thinks he is, he retaliates violently.
This isn't just Max being a jerk. These are all signs of someone who is almost certainly deprived of control in their home life, which forces them to find it elsewhere. Max likely has little to no say in what happens to him at home. He's clinging to a sense of control wherever he can find it. And that line basically confirms that his home isn't a safe place for him.
Back to the crush on Grace, when you look objectively at the actions Max takes in the show, you'll find that he's not really a bad person, he's a mean person. He's a little shit that processes his need for control in the entirely wrong way, but people are shaped by their surroundings. The actions that come from him are different.
His crush on Grace only supports this. Every other bully in every piece of media sees the girl they like and whistle and say "yo lemme hit that." And if the girl rejects them, they resort to "tease bitch." Not Max. The first thing he does is start a conversation with her, laughs at (what he thinks is) a joke, then offers to carry her books. Like, I wish my highschool bullies were that nice to their own girlfriends.
When she rejects him, it's true that he continues to pursue her and calls her "dirty girl," but that once again comes back to his need to feel in control. But he doesn't get aggressive, he doesn't do anything that screams 'bully.'
We don't get a lot of scenes with pre-ghost Max. But when we do, they're interesting to analyze. Like, have you ever noticed that when he finds Steph in the Waylon Place, his very first instinct is to tell her, "Get behind me, I'll protect you" from, as far as he knows, actual ghosts? He feels like his life is in danger, but he's still putting Steph's safety first, despite having no interest in her romantically. That's huge.
There's even some evidence to support that Max terrorizing the nerds is, from his perspective, not so one-sided. When he finds out they were the ones who pulled the pranks, he says "I thought you guys hated me."
And he's open to change. He's not stubborn, he's not brutal. He doesn't continue hating the nerds just because it is what it is. Moments before his death, he is showing signs of opening up to them, and actually seems like he's coming around.
And none of this is meant as trying to defend Max's actions. I know he's the antagonist. I know he treats people unfairly. But all of this has to come from somewhere. I'm trying to say that there was clearly a foundation of a good person underneath all that cruelty. So what toughened his shell?
Mr. Jägerman. Max reveals in that one line that if he were to go back home from the 'party', his dad would call him a 'little cuck.' "can't even fight off one lousy skele'uhn." In this, he reveals his dad is demeaning to him. He's the kind of man who would hear that his son was in a life-or-death situation, and instead of comforting him, he would have made fun of him.
What must that do to a person? As someone who grew up in a home where Dad wasn't always a safe person to be around, I know that when I was younger, a lot of my bad bad behaviours were something I learned from him.
The prank meant to scare Max was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for him.
I think a lot of what happens in NPMD is indirectly Mr. Jägerman's fault. "Knowledge is knowing Frankenstein is the doctor, wisdom is knowing Frankenstein is the monster" type of shit. It is directly because of his actions and the way he treated his own child that any of this happened.
or maybe I'm reading too much into this. But I fucking hate Max's dad so much.
#sincerely#nerdy prudes spoilers#npmd#nerdy prudes must die#max jagerman#max jägerman#hatchetfield#hatchetverse#tgwdlm#black friday starkid#pete spankoffski#ruth fleming#richie lipschitz#grace chasity#steph lauter#character analysis
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So, here's the thing. It's not just about control or appearances, about Blitz being a lying liar who lies about being a top.
Let's do an experiment for a moment. You are Blitz. You have just been through two really shitty days.
Your situationship / friends with benefits just dumped a crap ton of emotional shit on you, didn't give you even a second to process any of it, and then broke up with you when you didn't react the way he thought you should. Then proceeded to stonewall you when you try to talk the next day, go to a party that is explicitly and blatantly a bully party thrown by a bunch of people who hate you, enjoy himself at this party, and finally hook up with another guy.
A guy who hates you.
You have been told in no uncertain terms by two or more people that you are a piece of shit, told to give up on and let go of your ex situationship even though you think you might have feelings for him, and offered no support, compassion, or empathy whatsoever.
Being Blitz, you've never reached out for it because you don't think you deserve it. You feel you fully deserve everything that has ever happened to you for the past two days, because none of those people at that party could possibly hate you more than you hate yourself.
Your confidence is shattered. The one thing you have always been very good at besides killing people, which is fucking, has been mocked, degraded, and rejected.
The one way you know how to connect to people, show your love and affection for people, and prove your worth to people has been rejected by the person who ostensibly used to adore it.
Add to this that you are constantly exposed to two people who have the one thing you want more than anything, but don't think you deserve or should have. You are bitterly, viciously jealous of them and their love for each other, wanting to share in it but knowing it's not for you and that you don't deserve something like that anyway. You are drowning, floundering, and struggling, and you don't know where to turn or what to do.
Your opinion of yourself has rarely been lower. And so you try to bury yourself and work. You do your jobs, you try to pretend to be normal, you move on with your life and try to just exist as per usual as if none of this shit has happened.
And then on one job, quite possibly here first after the worst two nights in a while, you find yourself and your team in a life-threatening situation. You are unable to defend or protect them, and then your only way out, which has thus far cooperated flawlessly with you, stops working. And there is nothing you can do to make it work again.
As they watch, judging you, you flounder, fight, and struggle with it, having to admit that you don't really know what you're doing. And you can feel them. Watching. Judging. Wondering how you fucked this up.
Wondering how you're so God damn incompetent.
Wondering how you keep getting the most simple shit wrong.
So you get stressed and anxious. But of course, means that you fuck up even harder and it works even less well.
You start making simple mistakes at basic things like the alphabet, which is difficult anyway because reading and language is difficult for you. You can feel the judgment from them for that, too.
Why are you so stupid?
How was this hard?
And the questions start bouncing around in YOUR head, too.
Why are you locking up?
Why isn't this working?
This is not hard. This shouldn't be hard.
So why can't you do it?
Why can't you just be smarter?
Be more gentle?
Be stronger?
Be kinder?
Why can't you just do better?
Are you ever, ever, enough?
No wonder your father hated you. You're just a giant screw up.
Anytime it matters, you can't pull it off.
You've experianced this before, time and again.
And now, you're in the situation once more. Yet again, with eyes on you and people waiting for you to do the right thing to get results, you can't.
And then, as has always been in your life, someone who was better than you get tired of your floundering, steps in, and gets it done effortlessly.
Yeah, seeing something familiar here?
A common thread between Cash, and Blitz's life in the circus, and what just happened in Antarctica?
I don't know what's worse.
That Blitz was very likely full on triggered in the scene, having a panic attack on top of the emotional distress he was already in from what happened with Stolas, or that Moxxie and Millie didn't notice.
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đ anon here:3 iâve been thinking of this for a bit, i imagine itâs where robbyâs in cobra kai but also it could have bully hawk whoâs in miyagi do instead
sweet and innocent larusso!reader whoâs tired of all the fighting and just wants everyone to get along like they did before. she hatches the plan to throw a party, inviting both cobra kai (except kyler ofc heâs gross) and miyagi do to come over and talk it out. sheâs so naive, bringing out board games and snacks, thinking it will help connect people but ofc sheâs wrong. hawk is the first to come over, always having a crush on reader and thinking this would be a great opportunity to hang out. then miguel who doesnât really wanna be around hawk but will deal with it for reader. tory is next and starts to cause a scene with hawk and miguel. tory doesnât like reader, has reader even done anything wrong though? course not, all sheâs ever done is be her sweet self to tory and tory hates it, the perky bubbly little larusso beign hated simple because of her surname. the only reason tory came was for free booze and the chance to beat the snot out of someone. once robby arrives all hell breaks loose, kicks and punches and soon thereâs a hole in the wall. reader pleads with them to stop, explaining the reason for them all being there and looks at them with pouty lips and teary eyes. they all sit on the large couch huffing and puffing.
cut to them all taking their anger out on poor little readers fat wet cunt and pretty drooly mouth đ˝
As soon as they see her pout, they're all thinking the same thing: she's too cute and innocent for her own good.
But then she starts rambling about why she brought them all here and how they should all be friends instead of fighting each other. She addresses a few things, like Miguel and Hawk's dislike of each other because of Hawk's bullying that he brought over from Cobra Kai and how Miguel and Robby should get along because they have more in common than they think. It doesn't defuse the situation at all. Especially when she brings up how she wants to be Tory's friend because they haven't really gotten to know each other all that well and she'd love to do just that.
Hawk is the one to get things started because he's had a crush on her for so long. He probably says something a little mean about how her little dreams are gonna be nothing more than that because none of them are gonna be able to get along. Then he says, "kick these lovers outta here and you and I can definitely get to know each other a lot better."
She's a little confused by that until he kisses her in front of the rest of them, showing them he wants her and that they can't have her. Tory gets a little too upset about that for supposedly not liking Reader LaRusso at all. She walks up behind Reader and circles are arms around her thick figure to grope her fat tits. Reader let's out a startled moan into Hawk's mouth, but she isn't all that opposed to the attention.
Miguel and Robby watch as Tory and Hawk kind of fight for where they get to grab and pull Reader toward them, arms crossed over their chests as they sit on opposite sides of the couch. They're getting uncomfortably hard while too angry to look at each other, but then Reader's top and bra comes off thanks to some sort of collaborative effort made between Tory and Hawk.
As things get a little more intense, Reader shyly suggests they go to her bedroom and they pull her away. Tory leads the way with a tight grip on Reader's wrist while Hawk makes a point to Robby and Miguel: "You two coming or are you two just gonna stew there while I fuck that sweet little smile off Reader's face?"
Miguel and Robby look at each other and that anger isn't gone, but damn do they don't care about one another while they think about that. They do push each other out of the way to get to Reader's bedroom.
Cut to them all on her bed, Hawk balls deep in her once-virgin pussy as she's sat on her knees. He's behind her while she's leans against Tory, who's sucking on her fat tits and marking them up. Miguel's to the side taking Reader's mouth while Robby is playing with Tory's pussy.
One of Tory's hands wanders down to Reader's pussy and starts rubbing hard circles on her clit, smirking at her as she whines and shakes. From behind her, Hawk is pounding her tight, fat cunt by pulling her back into his thrusts. His fingers dig into her fat waist, surely to bruise her tender skin.
"Is this what you wanted?" Tory asks condescendingly. She continues to "bully" Reader's clit while her other hand is squeezing her tit hard. "For all of us to get along, right?"
Robby scoffs as he kisses Tory's neck, watching Reader's body bounce which each smack of Hawk's hips into her ass. She's moaning around Miguel's cock as if to answer them but she can't pull away to say anything because his hand is on the back of her head while he fucks her throat. Between moans, she's doing her best not to gag.
Then Hawk starts muttering about how "this pussy is mine. Mine, mine, mine," and everyone knows he's close. He gets rougher, pulling her away from the others and pulling her back against his chest. Tory fights it for a moment before sitting back and watching Hawk bust and fill the innocent LaRusso's pretty little pussy. Reader's already come twice at this point but the feeling of Hawk's dick throbbing in her cunt sends her over the edge again and she's a shaking mess, crying out for him.
When he pulls out, some of his cum dribbles out and slides down her thighs. She's never done this before and is a little shy, trying to close her legs, but Hawk keeps her from doing so. He growls in her ear, "Don't fucking do that. I want them all to see you're mine."
Miguel shoves him. "Shut up, man. Just because you fucked her first doesn't mean shit."
Tory beckons Reader closer and she crawls forward while Hawk and Miguel bicker. Tory moves out of the way to reveal Robby's hard, throbbing, needy cock to her. "Suck him."
Reader innocently looks at her, lips swollen and droolly. "I don't know how."
"Fuck, just take him in your mouth and I'll tell you how to do the rest," Tory grunts.
So Reader bends down, still on her knees, and takes Robby in her mouth. She braces her hands on his thighs as he sits back watching her. She's totally unaware her messy fat cunt is on display for the other two behind her and Miguel takes the opportunity to finally get off, having been so rudely interrupted before when Hawk pulled her off of him.
She moans around Robbys tip as Miguel starts fucking her, giving her no tike to adjust to his girth. Tory is talking to her the while time, directing her on how to suck dick and do it right. She's following the orders as closely as possibly, making Robby roll his eyes back. Tory isn't satisfied though and puts a hand on the back of Reader's head, pushing her head down until she's gagging. Spit and drool sputter out of her mouth as she fights to pull her head up, Tory eventually letting her and she coughs, still getting jostled by Miguel behind her.
"Hurry up," Tory commands and Reader's pussy clenched as she slowly learns she likes getting bossed around by the blonde.
So, Reader takes Robby again and sucks him off. It's sloppy and inexperienced, but oh so amazing. Behind her, it doesn't take long for Miguel to come and give her a second filling. Robby fills her mouth and Tory tells her to be a "good girl and swallow", so she does.
Then Tory is telling the guys to get off the bed so she can flip Reader onto her side, slot herself between her legs, and make an even bigger mess out of her overfill, leaky pussy. She scissors Reader with one of her fat thighs held against her chest, leg thrown over her shoulder. Reader is tired and overestimated, being driven up that cliff once again as Tory rolls her hips into Reader's and makes sure their clits constantly meet.
Over her, on wither side of her, Robby, Miguel and Hawk fist their cocks as they watch her body jiggle and bounce. She holds onto the bedsheets tightly and tries to move with Tory's hips, but she doesn't know what she's doing. Then she's shaking and coming again and Miguel us shooting his cum all over her face. Once Tory comes, she pushes Reader onto her back and watched Hawk and Miguel come all over her body. Reader lays limply as she gets coated in all their cum, legs shaking and tired from the whole experience.
#đ anon#larusso!reader#tory nichols x reader#tory nichols x chubby reader#robby keene x reader#robby keene x chubby reader#miguel diaz x reader#miguel diaz x chubby reader#hawk moskowitz x reader#hawk moskowitz x chubby reader#eli moskowitz x reader#eli moskowitz x chubby reader#eli hawk moskowitz#hawk moskowitz#eli moskowitz#tory nichols#robby keene#miguel diaz#cobra kai#cobra kai headcanons#cobra kai x reader#cobra kai x chubby reader#cobra kai x plus size reader#chubby reader#plus size reader#tory nichols smut#robby keene smut#miguel diaz smut#hawk moskowitz smut#gemini sensei
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If You Call Me (18+)
⥠Pairing: Bad Boy!Bang Chan x Fem!Reader
⥠Genre: heavy angst, fluff, very slice of life at times, strangers to friends to lovers, mutual pining, college au, slow burn, eventual smut, kind of love at first sight?, basically my take on the ever classic misunderstood bad boy x good girl trope
⥠Word Count: 43.8k
⥠Summary: After spending much of her high school life mercilessly bullied, Y/N hoped that going to college would finally allow her to move on from her past and put the pain behind her. Her hopes are crushed when it becomes apparant that the biggest perpetrator doesn't intend on letting the past stay the pastâ that is, until she gets unexpectedly rescued by the one person her past bullies seem to fear messing with, and he promises to protect her whenever she calls him.
⥠Warnings: flashbacks to bullying, physical assault, implied sexual assault (nothing is explicitly written, only described vaguely), past / referenced parental death (not described), chan has more than a bit of a savior complex tbh lol, self-worth issues and self-destructive behavior, an abundance of strong language, discussions around depression / being depressed, brief descriptions of blood and injury, theft.
⥠Smut Warnings (contains spoilers): petnames (baby, angel), implied loss of virginity (reader), as usual for my works there is so much kissing, nipple play, oral (f receiving), fingering (f receiving), handjob, multiple orgasms, protected piv (shocking)
⥠Notes: please keep in mind that heavy topics and traumatizing events of various type are a main theme of this fic, so please read with discretion! heed the warnings and don't force yourself to read something you can't handle and won't enjoy! other than that, you can also read the story on my a03 where it is divided into chapters here updated 08/30/24: formatting fixes, slight changes to scenes and dialogue for improved cohesion
⥠Disclaimer: please read responsibly, and remember that this work is fiction and meant strictly for imaginative fun. the idols used in fics are more accurately faceclaims and personality outlines for imaginary characters, and should not be interpreted as factual representations of existing people.
Isolation, exile, a profound sense of loneliness. Those are the feelings you are used to, the feelings that have permeated your being and seeped into the very foundations of who you are as a person. And you weren't always this wayâ in fact, you can pinpoint the exact moment in time where a sad, loathful existence became all you knew.
It began a little over 3 years ago, when you started your first day of high school. That first spring semester came upon you quickly, and while you were anxious to begin, there was an almost equal level of excitement. You unfortunately were arriving alone, with your friends from middle school having spread out to various different schools that suited either their families or their own ambitions for their future.
While you would have liked to go to the same prestigious schools as some of your friends, your father simply didnât have the money to pay for that sort of thing. On top of that, admissions were fiercely competitive, and being intelligent didnât matter if you werenât in the top 1% lucky enough to earn yourself a scholarship. You needed to be perfect in every single way to be considered for the honor, and thatâs something you simply werenât, and would never be.
Maybe that was bleak, but you preferred to keep your hopes and expectations grounded in realism. You wouldnât say that you lacked confidence necessarilyâ just that you know what is a realistic outcome and what isnât.
And realistically, what were the chances of a miracle happening? Slim to none. So you tempered your expectations, you kept your hope on a leash, and you continued to have mundane hopes and dreams.
So it wasnât arriving at your new, average school alone that made you the way you are now; youâd made your peace with that long before it happened. Sure, you would miss the friends you made in your younger years, but high school is supposed to be the place with the most opportunity.
As long as you gave it your best effort, youâd make new friends and new memories. Youâd discover what your goals for the future are, youâd work towards them with earnesty and diligence, youâd make your father proud.
At least, that was your mindset going into it; and maybe those thoughts were a bit more optimistic than your usual, but they werenât unrealistic by any means. All those hopes were tangible and achievable, nothing about them should have been out of reach or unobtainable.
And it wasnât like you were losing contact with your friends foreverâ cellphones existed, and it would only be a matter of time before a free weekend arrived for you to meet up with them again. So all in all, youâd felt good. Sure, your circumstances werenât the most ideal, but you were more than capable of making the best of them.
Thatâs what you thought at the time, anyways. Despite the perceived realism of your wishes, it quickly became clear to you that life had other intentions for you in the name of Park Jaehyung. A boy in the same class as you, who took a keen interest in you for reasons beyond your understanding.
It started with you noticing that he was often looking at you. Youâd look up from your textbook or notes, eyes aimed at the board or your teacher for further instruction, and youâd notice his gaze in your peripheral vision. It didnât bother you necessarily; you were friendless after all, and you thought maybe he was just trying to figure out if he should approach you.
You knew first hand how shyness or doubts could make a decision you really wanted to make more difficult than it needed to be, and the simple act of approaching a person for friendship could become the most nerve racking experience of your life.
You even considered approaching him first to make it easier on him. There were plenty of times you were able to be the brave friend simply because you wanted to help, moments where all anxieties were trumped by the simple desire to help a friend.
However, he ended up approaching you first in the end, on an otherwise uneventful Friday. Most of your classmates left quickly, eager to get a start on their weekends or meetup with fellow club members for practice for their upcoming events.
You were nervous as he approached but not necessarily in a negative way; at the time, you had no reason to believe he had any bad intentions with you. In fact, you were excited at the prospect of finally making a friend in your new environment after weeks of being awkward around everyone.
You were so ignorantly optimistic.
When you finished tucking your things away and lifted your head to look at Jaehyung, you met him with a smile. The conversation was pleasant at first, albeit a bit mundane. Simple small talk such as âhow did you do on the test,â âhow do you like the school,â and things of that nature.
You donât remember how long you two talked like that, but what you do remember is the shift in atmosphere when his friends came into the room looking for him.
âWhat are you still doing in here, Jae? Weâveâ Oh?â you remember one of his friends saying as he stepped into the room, pausing his sentence when he noticed the two of you stood at your desk talking.
The shift in Jaehyungâs expression was shockingly instant, the positivity of the boy in front of you quickly warping into an animosity that you could hardly comprehend. The friend, who you recognized as a boy who sat in the back of the classroom, let out a laugh as he stood in the doorway.
âI knew it! You do like her,â the boy chuckled with a smug expression. Jaehyung scowled as he turned away to face his friend's direction. âI told you, I donât. I was just telling her to stay away from me,â he spits at his friend, âSheâs obsessed with me.â
You were stunned, blood running cold as you looked at him in bewilderment. You just spent the last several minutes talking pleasantly and laughing, and now heâs lying about it right in front of you? So blatantly? Why?
Before you could even open your mouth to defend yourself, his friend laughed loudly. âI told you, you need to stop playing with the easy ones. They get way too attached, man.â Heâd said as Jaehyung stepped away from you quickly, making his way to the door with haste.
You simply watched, the words playing in a loop in your brain. Jaehyung took one last glance at you before the pair of them exited the room, leaving you by yourself with your thoughts running a mile a minute. Easy? Easy how? Because you were alone all the time? Because youâre shy?
You didnât really understand why his friend said that, or why Jaeâs attitude changed so quickly. Naively, you started to think that maybe it was all a big misunderstanding, and you could clear it up on Monday when you saw him again. It was unlikely, but the shift in tone was so sudden that you really had nothing else to grasp onto to make sense of it.
But Monday came, and it was immediately clear to you that the pleasant Jaehyung youâd known for a short time was entirely fake. Heâd approach you with venom, antagonize you any chance he got, his friends always cackling in the background. Heâd call you names and push you around, a sick enjoyment clear on his face every time.
Youâd wondered if this was his intention all along; to make you like him, to spend time with you because you were vulnerable before heâd turn it all around on you and embarrass you. His friend walking in on you in the classroom probably just sped things up a bit, and made him lose the need to build trust with you first.
Some days youâd be lucky, able to avoid them by bolting out of the room the minute the bell rang. Of course there were still times they caught up to you or got you into a corner, but for the most part, the strategy had worked.
Eventually though, that method became nearly impossible as they got used to the trick and found ways to get you in a corner consistently. You only ever managed to catch a break on days that they needed to stay behind for detention or to be disciplined by the staff.
You hoped, you prayed, harder than you ever had for anything, that one day they would grow tired of tormenting you and just leave you alone. That staff would actually help you instead of turning a blind eye, only intervening when the boysâ actions inconvenienced their ability to work. You prayed theyâd get suspended, expelled evenâ an unrealistic hope you knew would never come true, as little of a priority to the schoolâs staff as you were.
But hope was all you had then. In those incredibly dark days, where your life was the hardest it had ever been, youâd started to see the appeal of having outlandish dreams. It was comforting to imagine a world where everything about your life was perfect, where you'd easily obtained your goals and led the life you had always dreamed of, free of hurt and sadness.
There was no comfort in being a realist, no solace in the tangible. And you were tired. Not the physical kind of tired that came with a hard day's work, but mentally.
You were exhausted from the constant abuse, the unending loneliness, the hopelessness that was laid out so plainly in front of you. And so you would hope; hope for a better day, an easier existence, a friend.
You hoped that youâd be a braver person than you were the day before, hoped that one day the school would finally take action, hoped that one day Jae would get bored of you and finally leave you alone. You knew painfully well how improbable it was, but it was all you had.
All of it was out of your control, no matter what you did or how hard you prayed; it didnât matter, it wouldnât change, but even still you couldnât let go of that hope. It was around that time however, that you realized there was something you could controlâ your academic scores. If you just devoted yourself to studying, to doing well on tests and keeping up your GPA, you could get yourself into a good school and put all this behind you.
You didnât get into as good of a school as you would have liked, the strain that Jaehyungâs bullying put on your brain made studying a herculean effort, but you managed to do well enough to get accepted into a decent college just outside the city. It was enough- as long as you stuck to campus, youâd likely never see Jae again. Heâd stay in the city, doing god knows what, and youâd get the fresh start you desperately needed, away from the person that made you miserable.
It's been 6 months since you moved into the campus dorms and began attending classes. Your roommates already knew each other, having been childhood friends who promised to go to the same school, but they never made you feel left out or like an outsider in your shared dorm room. They were kind, funny, and outgoing, and it would be no exaggeration to say they adopted you, bringing you out of your shell bit by bit and helping you return to the person you used to be.
Thereâs still pain, sadness, and loneliness, of course. Those feelings donât just go away, but for the first time in years you began to feel.. Happy. Like things were finally going your way.
You could breathe without needing to constantly look over your shoulder, or be perpetually afraid of when a moment of happiness would inevitably crumble. You could finally live. The universe seemed to want to have a laugh at your expense, howeverâ because what would be more ironic and tragic than bringing you back to the person you hate most.
Youâd never been to a partyâ not entirely by choice, but because the opportunity had never come your way, solitary and friendless as you were. And now that you were in college, where the surroundings are rife with parties and carefree nights, it just felt.. Unnatural for you to be involved.
Like you were trying to blend where you didnât belong, and that everyone would see through you. They would recognize you for what you were all through high school; a girl desperate for friends that no one ultimately cared about.
But your roommates, the social butterflies that they were, insisted that you come with them after excitedly telling you of the invite they received. You protested at first, feeling like you'd be much too awkward and out of place in the situation to have any fun, but they were tireless in their efforts to convince you to go with them.
And really, you couldn't blame them for trying so hardâ you'd told them about your desire to branch out, to make more friends and experience new things, and a party was arguably one of the best places to do that. So you conceded in the end, letting them help you plan your outfit and be your guides through what was supposed to be a fun, new experience.Â
And it was funâ for a time. Your friends helped you come out of your shell the most youâd ever had, introducing you to other people they knew either from their classes or from the clubs they were part of. You felt included, like you were finally part of a group, like you no longer had to be the person who watched from afar while others mingled and laughed together.Â
Itâs almost funny how that feeling of belonging and joy you finally felt came crashing down on you in an instant. You didnât see him at first, and if you had, you definitely wouldnât have separated yourself from your friends. You were supposed to be gone just a moment, a quick run to the bathroom and refresh of your drink before youâd rejoin them.
But there Jae was, standing near the stairs that led up to the bathroom, chatting with the same group of friends heâd had in high school. Your mind reeled, blood chilling as your eyes settled on him for the first time since graduation. You stood frozen for a moment, body being bumped by those trying to dance or move past you as the music continued to blare.
You suddenly became conscious of every little thingâ the volume of the music in your ears, the amount of people standing between you and him, how the hairs on your neck and arm began to stand on end. You could feel the way your palms clammed up as you closed your fingers into a fist, and the thumping of your heart became loud and erratic, to the point it began to drown out everything else. Â
You tried to rationalize with yourself, to calm your screaming nerves and bring your racing heart under your control. He hadnât noticed you, and if you were lucky, and quick, he wouldnât at all. Besides, you werenât the same person you were in high school. You had friends now, a new home and a new life. He couldnât torment you anymoreâ you wouldnât let him.Â
You take a breath, steeling yourself to walk past the man who brought you so much misery, and hope for the best. Your legs felt like lead, each step taking excruciating effort to complete. You try to keep your head down, letting your hair fall over your face to hide your recognizable features as much as possible.
You look up as you reach the steps, realizing that youâre unconsciously holding your breath as you do. Your eyes meetâ not Jaeâs, but his friends. And you can tell by the way he laughs, one of disbelief as much as it is amusement, that he recognizes you easily. âWhat?â you hear Jae question as he turns his head to see what his friend is reacting to, his eyes landing squarely on you.Â
Dread is the only word that can be used to describe what you feel when his eyes meet yours. Your reaction is immediate, panic settling in as you rush past them, and dart up the stairs. You just had to make it to the bathroom, and then everything would be fine. And you do, closing the door shut quickly behind you and locking it with a loud click.
You take a moment to breathe, to think with clarity now that you were within the safe space of a closed, locked room. Youâre not proud of the visceral reaction seeing Jae gave you, the way you ran as soon as soon as his gaze locked on you.
You wonder how you looked to the others settled around the stepsâ hopefully, just like a drunk girl in desperate need for the bathroom, instead of a dreadfully panicked one. Regardless, your dash up the steps was certainly unceremonious and embarrassing, and you hate the thought that it gave Jae or any of his friends a laugh.
You let out a sigh, pulling out your phone to text your friends, hoping theyâre not too drunk or that the music is too loud for them to hear their phones. You do your business, wash your hands, check your appearance in the mirror. You check your phone, and then check it again, and then once more, but no response from your friends ever comes through.Â
You sigh, knowing you canât camp out in the bathroom much longer than you have already. There are loads of people here, and someoneâs going to need it sooner or later. And besides, he surely wouldnât still target you now that you were all grown adults, right?
Itâs likely he didnât even follow after you, and is just laughing that even now youâre still afraid of him. You moved on, and surely he has toâ you canât let your fear of him control you the way it did when you were in school together.Â
With another breath to calm your nerves, you unlock and open the door, and see that a small line did in fact start to build in front of the bathroom door while you were holed up inside of it. You offer an apology to the people waiting as you move past to allow the first person in, making your way quickly back towards the steps in the hopes that Jae is either no longer in that area, or has no interest in you anymore, and that you can return to where your friends are without issue.Â
But of course, heâs there, standing at the top of the steps, very clearly waiting for you. Your heart sinks to your stomach, the smile that spreads on his face making you sick. âLong time no see, huh?â he says as he takes a step closer to you, his light, airy voice a stark contrast to the intentions you know he has. You donât respond, which he takes as his sign to continue. âI didnât expect to see you here. Donât you want to catch up?âÂ
âI need to get back to my friends,â you say, finally finding your voice after the initial shock. Itâs not as strong as youâd like, but considering youâve never stood up for yourself before now, itâs enough to show how much youâve changed since he last saw you.
âOh, you have friends now? Thatâs interesting,â he responds easily, taking what little pride for yourself you fostered and crushing it beneath his heel. Before you realize it, your back is pressed against the nearest door, Jae closing the distance between you with proficient ease.
Your breath catches in your throat, eyes darting to the side where the line for the bathroom remains unchanged. If you made a scene, would they help you? You honestly werenât sure; they were all strangers to you, with varying levels of intoxication affecting them, and from their perspective, you and Jae could easily appear to be a couple sharing an intimate moment before trying to sneak away to a room. The thought alone makes your stomach churn.Â
âOh donât worry about them, they wonât interrupt,â Jae says, that same sickeningly smug smile on his face as he seemingly has the same thought you just had. You know what comes next- his hands on you, a contact you loathe above all else, that makes your skin scream and recoil.
Things were supposed to be different now. You werenât supposed to ever see him again, but maybe you were a fool for believing that you created enough distance from him for that to be the case. But you didnât come this far to be the same person you were then- you were supposed to be different, to be strong.
You want to be strong, to have the courage to stand up for yourself and tell him to go fuck himself. If you donât act now, then what was it all for? You canât let yourself go back to the meek person who just accepted it whenever she was hurt. You clench your fists, you gather your courage, and for the first time ever, you raise your voice to him. âDonât fucking touch me.âÂ
He doesnât take you seriously in the slightest, laughing as if your words mean nothing as he reaches his hand out to touch you. In a moment of unparalleled bravery on your part, you slap it away, conveying clearly that you wonât allow him to torment you anymore. Thereâs surprise in his eyes for a moment, though it fades as quickly as it appeared, replaced by seething anger.
He wraps your hair in his fist, holding your head back with so much force that a searing ache spreads over your scalp. âYou wanna try that again? I don't think you're thinking clearly." Jaehyung's voice is dark and threatening as he holds your head in place.
So now heâs taking you seriously, huh? You glare at him, tears pricking the corner of your eyes as your fists tremble, 3 years worth of contempt rising forth all at once, practically begging to be set free, to be unleashed on the awful man before you who made your life a living hell.Â
You were still scared of him, if you were being honest with yourself, but you had to be different. You had to. He was much stronger, his grip on you was painful, but if you gave up now, then what was it all for? Your perseverance had to mean something, it had to lead you to somewhere better, to help you become someone you were proud to be. You canât let it be meaningless.Â
Youâre about to open your mouth to scream, determined to make a scene that canât go ignored by anyone in the vicinity, when a voice you donât recognize calls to Jaehyung, taking you both by surprise. âWhat the fuck are you doing?â the unfamiliar voice call from the direction of the stairs, and youâre able to turn your head just enough to see someone standing at the top of them, arms crossed with an incredulous look on his face.
âShit,â you hear Jaehyung mutter under his breath when he turns his gaze away from you, looking at the man who is (thankfully) interrupting the moment. âWhat are you doing here?â Jae asks as he slowly loosens his grip on your hair, his teeth clenching as he begrudgingly releases you from his grasp.
âDonât tell me you came to this party not knowing youâre in my fucking house. Thatâs my room youâre blocking, so move,â the man says, voice stern and unflinching. Jaehyungâs expression in response is strangeâ heâs very clearly annoyed, angry, but thereâs something else there too that youâve never seen on him.
Heâs⌠intimidated? âOh c'mon, man. You donât mind letting an old friend borrow your room, right?â Jaeâs voice turns jovial, a vain attempt at familiarity and friendliness. The strangerâs expression changes, a scoff leaving his lips as he looks at Jae in disbelief.Â
The man looks at you next, observing your body language and quickly processing what it tells him. Youâre very clearly distressed, body trembling, eyes angry and glossy with unshed tears; you want out of this, and now.
âDoesnât seem to me that sheâs into you,â the stranger says matter-of-factly, stating the truth of the matter as he sees it. âAnd youâre insane if you think Iâm letting you use my room for this shitâ or anyoneâs for that matter.âÂ
âSheâs just shy, isnât that right? Youâre not used to us being interrupted?â Jae says it with a sickly sweet smile before he turns his gaze back to you, leaning closer as his next words leave him in a whisper intended for only you to hear, a not so thinly veiled threat for you to play along with him, âIâm not done with you yet.âÂ
If it were the you of half a year ago, you probably would have buckled under the pressure, yielded to whatever it was he wanted from you. You wouldâve been too afraid of the repercussions that would follow if you didnât, afraid of what worse action heâd have in store for you if you didnât listen to his commands.Â
And thatâs what Jae wantsâ he wants to put that fear back inside you, to remind you of all that he made you feel, all that he caused you to lose, to turn you back into the person he knew and expected you to be.
You refuse to give him the satisfaction. âGet the fuck away from me,â you say, doing your best to make your voice as steady as you can possibly make it. You can feel the rage radiating off him, and you have to admit, itâs extremely gratifying to watch him struggle, to see him flounder after being challenged.
He storms off, anger and bitterness seeping off him, as the man who saved you steps aside to let him passâ though Jae still manages to shoulder checks the stranger angrily on his way out. A sigh of relief leaves you once your tormentor is out of sight, thankful for the ordeal to finally be over.
âAre you alright?â the stranger who evidentially lives here asks as he takes a tentative step closer to you, clearly not wanting to make you feel boxed in and cornered the way Jaehyung had.
âYeah, Iâm fine, thank you,â you say as you separate yourself from what you remember is apparentally his bedroom door, fixing your clothes in the places that Jae caused it to crumple.Â
When you look up, you see that he is looking you over for any noticeable injuryâ whoever he is, itâs apparent he knows who Jaehyung is and how he does things. It also makes you curious about how they know each other, and what it is about him that made Jae leave without putting up a real fight.Â
He has dark curly hair that pairs well with his piercing gaze, but you didn't find him particularly frightening based on appearance alone. In fact, you actually thought he'd look sweet if he wasn't frowning so hard right now.
He did seem quite athletic though, and you could see how bulky his arms were underneath the sleeves of his black tee. Maybe it was the difference in strength that deterred him? Jae is stronger than you, sure, but he wasnât as built as the stranger who saved you.
Or maybe Jae is simply all bark, and no bite? Thatâd be ironicâ your biggest tormentor being someone who is inherently a coward. But isnât that how it usually goes? The weak preying on the weaker for the sake of gratification and a sense of superiority they wouldnât otherwise obtain.
And who better to play that role for him than you? You, who was lonely and eager to make a friend, who was too timid and kind for her own good, and without the inner strength to fight back.Â
âYouâre welcome to join me in my room, if you want. Uhm, not in like, a weird way or anythingâ just to make sure Jae will leave you alone if he's still around. Weâll leave the door open so youâre comfortable andâ uh, yeah.â You canât help but smile a little following his suggestionâ itâs a little awkward, but well intentioned, and you appreciate the attempt heâs making to comfort you following a tense interaction.Â
You follow him inside, and true to his word, he makes no move to close the door behind you, leaving it wide open and looking out into the adjacent hallway. Looking around, you notice that his room is more.. Minimalistic than you wouldâve expected from a college aged guy. A decently sized bed, a bookshelf that contained more empty space than anything, a desk that held only a laptop and a rather old looking stuffed wolf toy that you assumed was from his childhood.Â
There was no clutter, no mess, no decorationâ nothing that tells you a guy in his early 20s occupies the space. Apart from the led lights circling the ceiling, the walls are bare, with no pictures or posters to give insight into his interests or personality. âYou can sit wherever,â he says, intending to let you have first pick for comfortâs sake.Â
You decide to sit at his desk, concluding that it's the better of your two options, and he flops on his bed, eyes on the ceiling as a slight sigh leaves his lips. âRegretting throwing a party?â you ask, noticing how exhausted he seems to beâ dark circles under his eyes serving as a clear sign that something in his life is causing him fatigue and lack of sleep.Â
âItâs not my party, itâs my brothers. The whole party thing isnât really for me, but he wants the âwhole college experienceâ or whatever, so, you know.. Yeah,â he closes his eyes for a moment as he speaks, seeming to think about what he wants to say before he continues to speak. âHe won't have time for things like this once the fall semester starts, so why not let him have his fun until then? Thatâs what I think, anyways.âÂ
You nod, silently wondering if his brother is anyone you met downstairs, though you donât recall meeting anyone that looks similar to him. âDo you both go to school here?â you ask, thinking itâd be nice if they doâ you could do with some more friends in your life, especially ones that go to the same campus you do.Â
âOh, no, Iââ he hesitates a moment, an almost indiscernible look on his face as he slightly tenses, just enough for you to gather that this topic is a bit tense for him. âI dropped out. Of high school, I mean. The whole school thing doesnât suit meâ got enough bills to pay and things to take care of without that added expense and worry, you know?â
You get itâ you honestly do. Dropping out is a hard decision to make, one that society doesnât understand comes with great personal grief and difficulty. Most people who drop out donât do it because they want to, but because they have to, or feel thereâs no other choice in the face of whatever it is theyâre dealing with.
There was even a time you considered it; when your bullying was at its worst, and before you found solace in pouring all your energy into studying. âI completely understand; I almost dropped out too. And I wouldnât even be going to school now if it wasnât for my scholarship.â
âReally?â he sits up now, surprise written on his face as he looks at you. âYeah, Iâ ..didnât have the best high school experience,â you sigh, hesitating to meet his gaze right away. Heâs a stranger to you, you donât know what happened to him, and he doesnât know what happened to you, but thereâs a strange sort.. Connection you feel?Â
Like kindred spiritsâ two souls who lived different lives, who are on a different path, but somehow are still the same. You look at him again, realizing you donât feel the need to hesitate or hold back your words. Thereâs something about him that seems trustworthy, and the sincere empathy in his eyes makes you believe that heâs someone you can confide in without regrets.Â
âI was depressed, alone. I had no friends, and I donât mean it felt that way, I literally didnât have anyone. And Jaehyung, heâ well, you saw. It was like that every single day, unrelenting. Studying was the only thing I had to escape my thoughts and feelings, so I poured everything I had into my grades. I started to view college as an escapeâ like if I got accepted, all my problems would be solved. I could start over, be a different person,â you swallow, emotions threatening to choke you up as you talk about your experience, but you continue on despite it.Â
âUnfortunately, schools are competitive, and recruiters could easily see that despite having good enough grades, I didnât have the confidence or social standing to back myself up, so they chose other people. But the school here accepted me, and even though itâs still close to where I grew up I hoped it would be enough. I could meet new people, get away from everything that brought me down, and become the person I always wanted to be. And I haveâ you know, for the most part anyways.â
Thereâs a silence that lingers for a moment, one that makes you start to feel stupid for deciding to unload all that information on someone you just met, but when you meet his eyes again you no longer feel shame. As before, there is a sincere empathy, an understanding, a care, that youâd never experienced before now.Â
You never talked about Jae to anyone new you met, and even your friends only know about him in the vaguest of terms because it was so hard to relive and talk about openly. But the person you met todayâ he saw it, in its rawest, unfiltered form, and he cared. Genuinely cared. And when you think back to all the times someone saw what was happening and ignored it, knew you were suffering and didnât think twice about it, that care matters.Â
He looks contemplative as well; like heâs thinking carefully on his words, and what impact theyâll have, as if formatting the perfect response to your admission is of crucial importance to him. And in a way, it is, because even though heâs just met you, he sees you for who you areâ someone like him. Damaged. Lonely. Yearning for a connection that doesnât yet exist, but could if you found the right person.Â
He opens his mouth to speak, the words he wants to say on the tip of his tongue, but is quickly interrupted and drowned out by your phone suddenly ringing. You pull it out of your pocket quickly, and see your friend's name and photo brightly illuminated on the screen.
âY/N? Iâm so sorry, I just saw your text! Are you still upstairs? Iâll come get youââ your friend comes through loud and urgent, doing her best to be heard over the loud music that surrounds her downstairs.Â
âIâm fine, I promise! Where are you right now? Iâll meet you,â you assure her as you stand up from your seat, preparing yourself to leave the room. The conversation ends quickly, with you confirming with each other that youâll meet at the base of the stairs and then head home together.Â
âIâll get going now, my friends are waiting for me, but.. before I go I just wanna say thank you for tonight, uhm..â your sentence trails off as a realization hits you. Right. You still donât know his name yet. Thankfully, he seems to know where youâre going, and offers his name to you before you have to ask. âChan,â he says simply, âIâm Bang Chan.âÂ
You smile as you repeat his name, offering your own afterwards to which he acknowledges with a nod. You make it to the door before you stop, turning back to look at him one last time before you go. âIâll see you around..?â you ask, hoping you don't come across as too desperate to meet him again.Â
âMm, yeah, sure,â Chan replies nonchalantly, though the corners of his mouth raise in the hint of a smile. And though itâs only a slight display, it makes you smile back at him. Because even though he comes across as aloof and reserved, you've gotten the impression that he's a nice person underneath his layers.Â
You found yourself thinking a lot about him when you were in bed that night; wondering about who he is beyond what you initially see, about what makes him who he is and drives what he does. Someone who is clearly empathetic beneath their rough exterior, who has compassion even for those he doesn't know, someone you want to befriend. You hoped you'd meet and talk to him again soon.Â
You sigh as you approach Sunshine Cafe, your go-to stop for coffee and a sweet breakfast before beginning your day in earnest. The fall semester has spared you no mercy since it began weeks ago, with your new professors hitting you with an increasingly grueling workload and frustratingly tight deadlines.
Youâve barely had time for anything, and your daily coffee is truly the only thing getting you through the immense amount of homework and academic papers thatâve been dropped into your lap. It also occurred to you that you greatly overestimated your ability to run into Chan again.
You thought itâd only be a matter of time, at first. Though he doesnât attend the local college like you and his brother do, he still has a house near campus, and even if meeting at another party was unlikely, there were still plenty of places you could end up seeing one another. And yet, either due to the amount of work that needed done keeping you home, or Chan himself also having a busy schedule, that time never came.Â
Should you have just asked for his number before you left? Itâs something youâd think about since that night, wondering if that wouldâve been too forward or made him uncomfortable, because who knows if he wanted to be your friend as much as you wanted to be his. There was a lot you liked about Chan following your first interaction with him, but was there anything he liked about you?Â
It was hard to say; you certainly hoped so, but you werenât exactly confident in your ability to make connections with people. Apart from that, a search of his name online didnât lead to any social media platforms you could add or follow him on.
A bit strange for someone his age to be completely void of a social media presence you might think, but he didnât really seem the type to spend his days scrolling instagram or writing personal posts on twitter in the first place.Â
And honestly, wasnât it silly to be so stuck on someone youâd met and talked to so briefly? You were broaching pathetic territory if you were being honest with yourself, but you truly couldnât help it. There was something different about him, and not in that corny love at first sight way your friends might assume if you brought the issue up to them. You could see it in the way he interacted with you and listened to you.Â
The more you thought about it though, the more embarrassed you felt about it; why did you unload your deepest feelings on a stranger? Because having a little bit of alchol in your system made you uninhibited enough to feel the need to bare your entire heart? Because he was nice to you?
Thatâs so pitiful, youâd laugh at yourself if it wasnât so depressing. Even if you did run into him again, itâd probably be best to avoid his gaze, and save yourself from the realization that he actually thought you were a fucking weirdo, and only listened to you to be polite.Â
God, you were spiralingâ one minute thinking itâd be best if he never saw you again, and the next praying heâd show up in your life regardless, even if just for a moment. But really, you just wanted to knowâ know for sure if you just imagined the way he cared to make yourself better, or if what you felt then was real. And if it was real, why?Â
No one ever protected you before, and it was hard for you to imagine a world where someone would do that for you purely out of the kindness of their heart. You know selfless, compassionate people exist, but not for you.
Even with the friends you had now, youâd hesitate to believe that theyâd do anything for you beyond the surface level of friendship. And that was no fault of their own, of course; you knew it was a response to your own trauma that led you to think that way. But now that you were met with the evidence that someone could be kind to you purely for the sake of it, you struggled to grapple with it.Â
You could argue that your friends are nice to you purely because youâre also assigned roommates, and you needed to have a good relationship for your home life to be copasetic. They introduced you to the people in their life because living in their space meant youâd be around them as well, and by extension they were only nice to you because they needed to be. But Chanâ what reason did he have to do anything for you? To listen to you or offer kindness?Â
He wasnât the first person to show you kindness after you came here, but he was the first to do so with seemingly no explanation behind it. To be kind and help you just because it was what was right, and for no reason other than thatâ thatâs what made him different, and made you want to see him again, to get to know him.
Another sigh leaves your lips now as you stand in line, waiting to order. You really need to stop dwelling on it and focus on more critical things at hand, i.e your paper that's due tonight and still needs to be proofread.
Yes, itâs best to do what youâre used to doing, and pour all your frustrations and worries into getting yourself the best grades you possibly can. Youâll head back to your dorm as soon as your coffee is in hand, and spend the rest of your morning (and a good portion of your afternoon) into ensuring that your paper is as perfect as it can be.Â
Felix, the blonde, freckled barista who has come to memorize your order, smiles sweetly as soon as he sees you. âHereâs your usual,â he says as he hands it over to you the moment you reach the counter; benefits to being a regular, and a creature of habit, you supposeâ he always has your order ready for you by the time you make it to the front of the line. âThanks, I really need it today,â you reply as you put your card in the reader to pay.Â
âProfessor still kicking your ass?â he asks as he confirms the payment on his screen, letting you take your card out swiftly and fit it back into your wallet. âPretty much,â you answer, though itâs not entirely true anymore; the amount of work you need to complete is definitely a major stressor, but itâs your brainâs fixation on Chan, and your subsequent worry about how you were perceived by him that plague yours thoughts and makes finishing your work much harder than it needs to be. Felix doesnât need to hear about any of that, though.Â
You thank him for serving you before you step away to allow the line to continue to flow, and he wishes you luck with the rest of your day before he greets his next customer. You scarf down your doughnut before you step outside to leave the building, the crisp fall air instantly helping to bring your mind back to a place of normalcy. A few small sips of your drink, a tossing of your trash in the public bin, and youâre ready to make your way back to your room to tackle the behemoth of a paper you wrote that needs reviewing.Â
You make it only a few steps before youâre stopped by a voice you dread hearing saying your name from behind you, one that the universe seems to love to remind you that you canât run away from. âIâve been looking for you,â he smiles as he steps in front of you, cutting off your path and making you stop walking.
The blood in your veins feels ice cold, the alarms in your brain deafeningly loud. Fuck. How did Jae find you here?Â
Stumbling upon each other at a random party, as unpleasant and unfortunate as it was, was at least feasible. College parties werenât limited to the hostâs affiliation; word of mouth took campus parties to new heights, their friends invite their friends who then invite theirs, turning what one might intend to be a simple get together between close friends and roommates into something much larger than the host ever intended.Â
Yes, as much as you hated it when you ran into him, the party setting you were brought into made the most logistical sense. But here? At a small off-campus coffee shop at 9am? What the fuck was he doing here?
Surely if this was a place he frequented you wouldnât have gone so many months without coming across one another. Which leaves you to think only one thing, that you desperately hope isnât true- he sought you out on purpose.
âI donât want to see you,â you say, voice as stern as you can possibly make it despite the way your nerves threaten to eat you alive. Youâre doing your best not to panic, reasoning with yourself that things on your side in the situation; youâre in a public space, on a fairly active street with plenty of witnesses, and lots of options for safety. As long as you donât freeze up or mentally shut down, youâll be okay.Â
You take a step in an attempt to walk past him, but of course, he doesnât want to allow you to leave so easily. âCâmon, donât be like that,â he says in a tone thatâs supposed to portray himself as innocently pleading for your time, but his smirk deceives his intentions. You opt to ignore him, shifting to the side to once again make your way past him.Â
He reaches out to grab your arm, instantly stopping you in your tracks. âLet go of me!â you protest, trying to pull yourself out of his grasp, but to no avail. Your eyes scan the area, seeking a way to get yourself out of this situation as quickly as possible. As if sensing this, Jae pulls you towards the nearby shop alley, dragging you into it with him.Â
Your coffee falls to the ground in the struggle, splashing your legs and drenching the soles of your shoes. Your eyes water, race burning red as a wave of emotions washes over youâ shame, anger, misery, all of which make him laugh.
âItâs a shame we were interrupted last time, isnât it? And you donât have your guard dog here to protect you, how sad,â he taunts, infinitely condescending in the way he speaks to you, âGo ahead and cry, heâs not gonna save you this time.âÂ
You squeeze your eyes shut, trying your hardest to suppress the rising panic. You need to will yourself to move, to be loud, to make it impossible for him to take advantage of you any further. You take a breath and open your eyes, surprised to see someone standing directly behind Jaeâ Chan.
Heâs yanked away from you in a sudden motion as a hand grabs his shoulder, stumbling backwards and landing awkwardly on his right foot, clutching you tighter in his hand to try and steady himself. âWhaâ who the fuck?âÂ
âFuck off. Donât make me teach you a lesson again,â Chanâs voice is low as he grabs Jae by the wrist and twists it, causing him to grit his teeth and finally release you from his grasp. Jae scowls as Chanâs grip on his wrist loosens, curses and insults quickly being muttered under his breath as he shoots you both furious looks.
âYou heard me. Go,â Chan says, eyebrow raised with a look that says âtest me and youâll regret it.â Begrudgingly, he retreats while calling you both less than kind names and rubbing his wrist. Chan hears them of course, but making sure youâre okay is more of a priority than fixing Jaeâs loose mouth.
âYou alright..?â he asks, looking you over for injury as he did the first time he stopped Jae from harming you. You stayed silent however, your brain struggling to process the fact that Chan is here and helped you againâ and he eventually frowns. Jae may be a fucking imbecile, but he was smart when he wanted to be; he didnât hurt you enough to leave any marksâ at least not anywhere Chan could see clearly.Â
On top of that, you still hadnât responded yet, and he wasnât entirely sure when your altercation even began; it was pure coincidence that he turned the corner to reach Sunshine Cafe and saw you being pulled away to the adjacent alley.
But he heard what he said as he approached; âguard dog,â Jae called him. Yeah, thatâs exactly what heâll be if Jae refuses to leave you aloneâ your personal guard dog, ready to attack as needed.
He cautiously taps your shoulder, his eyebrows knitting together in a clear sign of concern, âHey⌠you okay..?â You nod, swallowing the lump that formed in your throat. You were in shock more than anything, you think. Jae tormented you for years, and youâd grown used to it over the years. Hair pulling, tripping, slapping, dumping water on you.. Things that though you hated, you were used to and came to expect.Â
But now? Now that youâd left that behind, began to live your life with a sense of fulfillment and joy, were away from all that once dragged you to the depths of despair.. You realized how much those things still hurt, how the time and distance didnât cure or absolve you of your pain.
And you hated that he found you, hated that his presence still had an effect on you, hated how easy it was for him to reverse all of the positive progress you made. Most of all, you just hated Jaeâ truly, deeply hated him.
You could tell you were shaking, felt the tears in the corners of your eyes threatening to fall, embarrassed by the fact that Chan once again has to see you at your lowest when youâve just barely formed a friendship. Itâs humiliating in a way thatâs hard to explain to anyone who hasnât felt it themselvesâ the shame that comes with feeling inadequate, in looking weak in the face of someone you donât want to see you that way.
Chan looks down, seeing what he assumes is the remnants of your fresh coffee spilled on the concrete, whipped cream and caramel splattered in all directions from the impact they made with the ground. He kneels down, grabbing the plastic cup and turning it to the front, confirming what he already suspected; your name, written in big, black letters with a sharpie, followed by a sticker with the specifics of your order.
He looks back at you as he stands back up, still holding your cup in his hands despite how sticky itâs become from splashed coffee. âHey, look.. Iâm sorryâ Jae was pissed that I helped you last time, right? It's my fault, so why donât I buy you a new coffee?â
âHuh?" you blink, surprised by his offer; once again, he's helping you when he has no reason to, and trying to process it makes your brain lag. "Ohâ you donât have to do that! Itâs not your fault at all, heâs always treated me that way. He probably wouldâve done this again even if you hadnât helped the first time,â you respond after a moment, not yet meeting his gaze.Â
Chan frowns at your answer; he knows Jae well enough to know thatâs true, but it doesnât piss him off any less. Heâs always been like thatâ a coward in wolfâs clothing, always preying on whoever wants and thinking he can get away with it. âUnlock your phone and hand it to me,â he says, holding his hand out to you expectantly.
You furrow your brows in confusion, but do as he asks regardless, fishing through your pocket and quickly putting in your password before passing it to him. Chan locates your contacts page easily, adding his number to the relatively short list. âCall me next time,â he says as he hands it back to you.
You stare at your phone for a few moments, processing the information slowly before you look up at him. âYou.. I can call you?â âOf course.â His response is nonchalant in tone, but you can tell heâs being genuine, just as before.
You donât understand why heâs consistently so kind to you, someone who is effectively a stranger, who he has no reason to look out or care for. Stopping a bad situation he came across once made enough sense, especially since it was happening in his own house, but to devote himself to regularly helping you was completely different. Was he really that selfless?Â
âWhat if you donât answer..?â you finally ask, still struggling to make sense of his kindness towards you. âIâll answer,â he replies easily, as if thatâs the only option there is. âWhat if Jae takes my phone? Or I canât reach it?â you continue, because surely he canât be serious.
Why would he do that for you? Chanâs expression shifts to one you canât read, full of thoughts and emotions you couldnât possibly read before he speaks again, âYell if you have to. If you call, Iâll hear it. Iâll come running as soon as I can.â
You tear up for the second time today, though this time for a reason completely different from before; youâre grateful to have someone who wants to be there for you unconditionally. After suffering for so long, you began to believe that you were beyond selfless kindness, that it was something you would never experience or have offered to you. And in your current state, it seems that even the smallest ounce of it is enough to make you emotional.Â
âH-Hey, donât cry!â Chanâs voice is suddenly filled with worry, a stark contrast to the aloof tone he seems to typically have. And really, he isnât sure what to doâ heâs never had to comfort a girl who was crying before.
You wipe your face, trying your best to calm down quickly and offer him an appreciative smile. âSorry, this is actually super embarrassing..â you awkwardly laugh as you rub your eyes dry, hoping that he wonât change his mind and decide youâre not worth it.Â
âNo, itâs okay.. Youâve been through a lot on your own,â his tone softens, clearly trying to relay sympathy for you. You nod, steadying yourself with a deep breath before you finally look at him directly, without embarrassment or shame for your feelings. âThank you, Chan.â
âOf course,â he says, giving you a small pat on the head in the same way he used to do to comfort his brothers when they were upset. âLetâs get you a new coffee, yeah?â Â
You nod again, deciding to take him up on his offer and let him buy you a new coffee. âJust stick close to me, okay?â Chan reaches his free hand out to you, offering for you to take it if youâd like to. And you do, deciding to ignore the way your heart picks back up in speed when your hand is in his.
You know thereâs no romantic intent, but that doesnât stop the butterflies from erupting in your stomach at the contact. You can tell heâs just a sweet person, that thereâs nothing special about this interaction, that heâd likely do this for anyone in a similar situation to you, but regardless of your rational thoughts, you canât calm your heart, or prevent it from skipping a beat when he gives it a reassuring squeeze before leading you out of the alley. Â
It doesnât take more than a few moments to reach the cafe again, the line having drastically shortened since you were here minutes prior. Rather than wait in the line however, Chan walks directly to the counter, with you nervously in tow. The waiting customers shoot you both angry looks, but they ultimately choose not to say anything about your transgression.
âIâm sorry, I need to take care of this real quick,â Felix says to the angry girl waiting at the front that Chan just caused you to cut off, giving her an apologetic look before turning to the both of you. âChannie-hyung! And Y/N..?â He looks puzzled to see the two of you together, and really you canât blame him. You were just here, and now here you are again, with a guy youâve never brought up, andâ
Wait. Channie-hyung? They know each other?
âFelix, can you make her another one of these? Iâll pay for it,â Chan says, holding your ruined coffee cup to the poor barista to look at. âDonât worry hyung, I know her order. And you donât have to pay! Iâll take care of it,â Felix says as he takes the cup from Chanâs hands, tossing it in a bin underneath the counter before he turns to make you a new drink. Chan grumbles something under his breath about how Felix should let him pay, a subtle frown growing on his face.
âChan,â you speak up, and he turns his head in your direction, a small âhmm?â leaving his lips. âYour other handâ itâs sticky from the coffee, isnât it? Do you want to go rinse it off?â
âOhâ yeah, uh, I guess it is,â he says, clenching and unclenching his fist as if he only just realized when you brought it up. âIâll be right back,â he says, letting go of your hand to make his way to the public bathroom on the other end of the cafe.
You breathe a sigh of slight relief, because as much as you enjoyed holding his hand, it made your heart feel like it was going to burst out of your chest. âHere you go,â Felix says as he holds your newly made drink out to you, though instead of his usual smile, heâs looking at you full of curiosity.
âHow do you know my brother?â he asks, and wow, does that take you by surprise. The cute, freckled boy who takes your order everyday and serves you with a sweet smile is Chanâs brother? You honestly canât believe it.
âI, uhm, met him at a party. Wasnât it your party?â you ask, remembering how Chan told you it was his brotherâs and not his. Though as you recall, you didnât see Felix there, and you definitely wouldâve remembered if he was. âOh, no! It wasnât mine, it was Changbinâs!â
Oh, so Chan has more than one brother then? Youâre about to ask to confirm, but the lady you cut off clears her throat impatiently, clearly fed up with waiting.
âSorry maâam, Iâll be right there!â Felix tells her politely before shifting his focus back to you, âWell, gotta get back to work, but I hope youâll come by the house when Iâm there next time! So we can talk more and be friends outside of the cafe!âÂ
He then waves goodbye to you with a bright smile, turning his attention back to the customers in line while youâre left more than a little stunned. You always thought Felix seemed extremely sweet and fun to be around, so youâre definitely not opposed to seeing him outside of getting your morning coffee, but you didnât expect a friendship to happen like this.
Chan returns shortly after, and though he isnât smiling, he does seem glad that you have a fresh coffee in your hands. âYou gonna be okay? Donât need me to walk you to class or anything?â Chan asks and you shake your head, though the fact that he even asked practically makes your heart erupt.
âN-No, I was just gonna head home, I have a paper I need to work on and turn in tonight,â you explain, and he nods in acknowledgment, thinking a moment before he speaks. âIâll see you around then. And uh.. you know. Let me know if you need anything, yeah?âÂ
âI will,â you smile, one that he returns ever so slightly. You thank him before you say your goodbye, waving as you make your way out of the door and back out onto the street. You take a sip of your coffee as you take your first steps back to your dorm, finding that it tastes much sweeter than the first one you hadâ and you like that.
Everything in your life has been that way; sweeter, more enjoyable, with Jae absent from it. And you hope that with your new friends by your side to help and support you, it will stay that way.
Chan is late getting home that night, the shit he had to do for work tonight being beyond exhausting and dirty. The first thing he does is shower, eager to get all the grime off his body so he can eat dinner and hopefully relax, if his brain and body will let him. He eats a microwave meal in relative silence when heâs clean, thinking about all that happened before he set off to work.Â
He knew it was only a matter of time before he met you again, but he didnât expect it to be in negative circumstances again. He had a job in the area that day, and figured heâd stop by Sunshine Cafe to see and get a coffee from Felix before getting things done, only to stumble on the sight of Jae dragging you off against your will.Â
Without even thinking about it, he ranâ he didnât know how far Jae was going to take you, what he planned to do with you, and so he wasted no time to catch up to where he saw you go. Jae has a knack for pissing him off, but this went beyond a feeling as simple as that.
What Chan felt instead was disgust. He thought that Jae was easily the most reprehensible person heâd ever met, and that if he has nothing better to do than harass women, then he deserves to get his teeth knocked out of his skullâ and Chan would happily be the one to do that.Â
And thatâs what he planned to do when he pulled Jae back, but when he saw the look on your face, your eyes full to the brim of unshed tears and fear, he stopped. He didnât want you to see his violent side, he realized.
The side of him that will punch and maim and hurt, that left people bloodied and bruised. When he told you that he was a drop out, and you didnât judge him, instead offering your understanding and shared your experience with him, he knew you were someone compassionate and good.
Why did people like you always get hurt? Heâd seen it countless times, and it always made him sick with anger. And everyone in his life knew that about him, saw first hand the things he was willing to do to protect someone, but for some reason he didnât want you to see it.
Was it because he didnât want to taint your impression of him? Because there was a part of him that was afraid that if you knew the kind of things heâs done, that youâd retract any desire to form a friendship with him? He wasnât sure, but what he did know is that for whatever reason, he wanted you to see him as someone better.Â
Itâs just past 11:30 when he flops down the couch with a sigh next to Hyunjin, who has some drama Chan doesnât recognize playing on the tv. It was nights like tonight he wished he could turn his brain off, and not worry about what people think of him, nor be plagued by the memories of horrible things heâs done just to survive.Â
Checking his phone in hopes to find something else to focus on, he sees he received a few texts whilst he was busyâ most from clients, a few updates from Changbin, who was complaining about the group project he was assigned from his professor and how heâs staying out tonight to complete it, and a few more from an unsaved number that he can safely assume is yours.Â
Hi Chan, itâs Y/N!Â
Thank you so much for everything. I really appreciate it <3
If youâre still sure, I hope itâs okay to rely on you while I keep gathering my courage
9:12 PM â
itâs fine rly iâm not gonna let some dickhead like jae do whatever he wants
you can rely on me as long as you want i donât mind
call me anytime you need
11:34 PM â
âWhat are you smiling about?â Hyunjin asks as he peers over Chanâs shoulder to take a peek. Chan jumps slightly in surprise, locking his phone screen before sliding it into his pocket. âI wasnât smiling.â
âUh-huh, sure you werenât. I believe you,â Hyunjin laughs in response. Chan sits there in an awkward silence for a few moments, before he glances over to see Hyunjin looking at him with a grin. âWhat?â Chan questions and Hyunjin lets out another small laugh.
âY/N, huh? Is that the girl from Changbinâs party?â Chan wants to be angry that Hyunjin saw the name on his phone and is asking about it, but honestly, heâd be curious too if it were the other way around, so he canât fault him for asking.
âYeah. I saw her again today and gave her my number. Jae was harassing her again, and it pisses me off when he gets away with shit, so. You know.â Heâs leaving out the part about his complex, unfamiliar feelings towards you, but Hyunjin doesnât need to know them, he thinks. Better to leave those unsaid until he figures them out for himself.
Hyunjin meanwhile clicks his tongue in disapproval, displeased to hear that Jaeâs up to his usual bullshit. âWhatâs wrong with that dude? He and his prick friends need to get a job or something and leave everyone else alone.âÂ
âWell if at this point he still doesnât get the hint, heâs an even bigger dumbass than I already think he is,â Chan says and Hyunjin laughs, agreeing with the sentiment instantly. Chan feels his phone vibrate against his leg as Hyunjin shifts his attention back to his show, and is surprised to see its response from you this close to midnight.Â
Donât say that, I might rely on you for a long time then!
11:47pm â
i said i donât mind
iâm here for you okay?Â
11:48pm â
The two of you continue to text, and unbeknownst to himself, Chan has a small smile on his face again, that definitely doesnât go unnoticed by Hyunjin. However, rather than tease his older brother again, he decides to let it be. As fun as it is to poke some fun, he did genuinely like seeing Chan smile. It felt so rare these days to see happiness on his face, and he was grateful to see it now, even if it was only by a small margin.Â
Chan glances up from his phone to see if Hyunjin is still peeking at him, and is relieved to find that he isnât. Itâs not that heâs embarrassed to be seen texting you, but.. Before he dropped out, he had a reputation in high school for being a bad guy, with all kinds of rumors being spread about him during his freshman year.
And while a lot of them werenât true, he didnât mind leaning into them and letting people believe whatever they wanted to if it meant he was left alone. He had no interest in the things his classmates were interested in; grades, exams, college applications, after school clubs⌠None of those things mattered.Â
He was forced to grow up quickly after his parents passed away, and it left him jaded to the worries someone his age would typically have had. And while he encouraged his friends-turned-brothers to do well and go after anything they wanted to, he couldnât find it within himself to care about such fleeting things after all heâd been through.
At the time, all he wanted was to coast until graduation, and then start working full time to support himself and help his found family reach their goals. As long as the people he cared about had a chance to lead a better life than him, that was enough.Â
Chan figured then, and especially when he dropped out and started working full time, that he wouldnât have time for new friendships until much later in life, and he made his peace with that a long time ago. However, he couldnât deny the possibility that perhaps he pushed down the idea that he did want someone to spend time with that wasnât from his own bubble.
Someone he could talk to about mundane things, who lived a normal life with normal hardships, someone who knew nothing about the shady shit he had to do to survive, and who could distract him from the weight of his responsibilities. And maybe it was okay to let you be that friend for him.Â
He was sure the others would tease him and say he has a crush, but honestly, his intentions are nothing like that. Despite what rumors would lead you to believe, heâs always been the kind of person to lift up those who needed help, and give them a place next to him. Anyone who had been dealt bad cards in life, he would help if he had the means to, because he knew how awful it felt to be alone with no one to turn to.Â
Regardless of gender, you both needed someone. And if you could be that someone for Chan, he would be that someone for you, because thatâs just the kind of guy he is. As long as you needed him, heâd be there for you, heâd protect you, heâd be your friend. And he hoped youâd be his friend too, and that youâd never stop needing him.Â
Hiraeth; a deep sense of longing, a deep-rooted desire to return to home that no longer exists, or never existed to begin with. A homesickness tinged with grief and sorrow over what is lost and cannot be regained. A word that encompasses Chan in his entirety, though heâd be loath to admit it to any who asked, emotionally solitary as he is.Â
When others feel nostalgia, there is an associated happinessâ that even though they miss or long for that period of time in their life, they accept that they cannot return to it. They look back on it fondly, happy to have those memories and able to appreciate what they had.
They miss the joy they felt in those simpler times, the days where they were taken care of and pampered by their parents, where every meal was provided for them and they spent all of their free time worry free, watching their favorite cartoons on tv or playing video games for hours on end.Â
But what do you do when your only memories of childhood are encompassed by an overarching sadness? When what should be happy memories are tainted by the knowledge that you lost your joy too young, that fate held no mercy, not even for a child so young- what do you do?
Chan wished he knew, because the reality is that even nearly 15 years since the day he lost his parents he still doesnât know how to cope with his grief. And those are the thoughts that kept him up at night, his insomnia complexly woven with heartache and melancholy, unable to be separated no matter how hard he tried.
He doesnât dare check the clock, knowing that whatever number he sees reflecting back at him will just add to the misery he feels. He shifts onto his back with a sigh, eyes now pointed directly to the bare ceiling.Â
How different would his life be now if his mom and dad were still here? It was no use thinking about it, it didnât accomplish anything other than making the ache in his chest grow tighter, but he couldnât prevent it from happening anymore than he could turn back time and change it. There was no way to make the impossible possible, and there was equally no way to prevent his brain from fixating on the what if's and should be's of his life.
There was a part of him that felt selfish for not being happierâ like he was asking for too much, expecting some sort of retribution for all the suffering heâd endured, though such a thing would assuredly never come. It wasnât like he was always miserable, eitherâ he had so many people in his life he cared about and made him feel sane when life was running him to the ground, he had enough money to afford the things he needed and keep everyone afloat, he was strong and (mostly) healthy.
He should be grateful for all those things, and he certainly is, but just.. Itâs hard. You never stop missing the people you lose, he supposes. Even when youâre grateful, even when youâre happy and smiling, even when everything is seemingly perfect, the pain is still there.
Lingering in every interaction, present in every moment, sometimes ignorable but never forgotten, always reminding him that the hole in his heart exists, and will only ever grow larger, impossible to fill. Thatâs what Chan feels.Â
Fuck it.Â
He reaches for his phone on the coffee table, bright light immediately straining his eyes as he unlocks the device. 2:14 a.mâ not the worst it could be, thankfully; it means heâs only been stuck in his head for a little over an hour. Should he text you and see if youâve fallen asleep yet, he wonders?
Noâ better not to disturb you, and risk himself saying too much about what he feels due to lapse in judgment. The thought of telling anyone about how sad and lonely he is inside makes him physically illâ he dreads the feeling of vulnerability, hates the way his emotions catch in his throat and eyes fill with tears whenever he tries.
Heâs always regretted sharing in the past, not because of the fault of anyone he told, but purely due to his own inability to not feel shame and embarrassment when he lets someone in. His friends, brothers, found family, whatever you wanted to call themâ very few of them saw Chan at his worst, but in an ideal world, none of them wouldâve seen it.
He can still remember the look on Minhoâs face the first time he broke down in front of him, and it plagues him. He couldnât control itâ the tears just wouldnât stop coming no matter how hard he tried to keep them in, choked, broken sobs leaving him uncontrollably as his body shook and trembled.Â
Minho comforted him, of courseâ he wasnât going to leave Chan to suffer alone after seeing him in such a state. But when the moment passed, there was no comfort or consolation within him to be feltâ just the shame and embarrassment that twisted itself into a gnawing self-consciousness.
And the thought of being in that state of self-doubt and hatred in front of you was even worse, because you were the absolute last person he wanted to see him that way. Maybe one day, but not nowâ not when your friendship was still relatively fresh and being built upon.Â
But.. even if heâs not ready to share his deepest thoughts and feelings, he still wants to talk to you now. He wants to see you smile at him, he wants to listen to you talk about what your plans are for when the winter semester is over and the weather starts to become warm again.
He wants to see the twinkle in your eye when you talk about what your newest favorite song is, wants to your your thoughts on whatever new meal you tried out for dinner. Because as silly as it is, in the few months itâs been since he first became your friend, those are the things heâs come to enjoy most and look forward to.Â
Are you still awake now? Are you staring up at his ceiling the way he is now in the living room? Is his bed comfortable enough for you? Did he leave you with enough blankets?
He could text you so easily to find out, but for some reason the thought of it makes him extremely nervous. Youâve been to the house plenty of times now since becoming friends with not only him, but Felix, Hyunjin, and Changbin, but this is the first time youâre staying overnight.Â
You initially came at the request to help Changbin, who is currently taking a class you took last semester but is struggling with the material, and needed assistance to understand the concepts he was being introduced to. You brought your laptop with you, using it to show Changbin the detailed notes you took and offering him copies of the study guides you made, and it truly made Chan happy to see you helping his brother out so diligently.Â
After a couple hours, Changbin let you off the hook, citing that his brain was tired from the overload of information and heâd be hitting the gym to let off some steam. âOh my god, itâs this late already? I still have to work on my discussion post for this week,â you groaned, evidently dreading the work youâd have to put into making it decent enough for your professorâs obnoxiously high standards.Â
âI can help you,â Chan offered without even thinking, and God, why did even do that? Because how was he, a high school dropout with no GED, realistically going to help someone as smart as you?
He wasnât dumb by any means, but what kind of input could he even offer that would benefit you? But despite the way his brain made fun of him for his lapse in judgment, and convinced him that youâd absolutely refuse his help, you smiled at him.
âYeah, okay! We should get some food too, I havenât had dinner yet and I donât know about you, but Iâm starving,â you spoke cheerfully, opening up a new tab on your laptop to check over the delivery options in the area. He was stunned for a moment, feeling like his entire nervous system was zapped the moment you accepted his offer.
There was no hesitation, no doubt in your mind that he could help despite what you know of his education historyâ why did that make him feel so warm inside?Â
The corners of his mouth tugged in a smile as he helped you pick out a restaurant to order from, the two of you munching on burgers and fries as he listened to your thoughts on what your discussion post should be about. You bounced your ideas off him, and while he wasnât knowledgeable on the subject you needed to write about, discussing it with him still seemed to help you.
It was kind of like thinking aloud; like voicing what you thought worked and what didnât, what you thought your professor would like to see and what he wouldnât helped you to formulate a more cohesive outline in your mind. Chan watched as you typed furiously, tongue slightly poked out and brows furrowed as you concentrated on the screen in front of you.
Youâd occasionally seek his input, asking things like âdoes this make sense?â or âdo you think this is too much or not enough?â He was entirely out of his depth if he was being honest, but he was happy you wanted his input regardless, and enjoyed seeing a side of you he didnât typically see.Â
With Chanâs (albeit limited) help, you managed to finish before the midnight deadline, hitting submit on your post with just a few minutes to spare. You stood up and stretched your arms and legs, feeling stiff from all your time spent hunched at the same spot, a sigh of relief leaving you shortly after.
But then there came the next dilemmaâ getting home this late into the night. Chan didnât live far from campus, and thus was near the dorms as well, but the thought of you walking home in relative darkness by yourself didnât sit well with him.Â
âYou can stay here if you want. You can take my bed, Iâll stay here,â he suggested. You blinked, staying silent as you processed the offer. Chan, who took the quiet as discomfort, was quick to speak up again and try to remedy it, âOr uh, I could walk you back if youâd prefer thatââ
âN-No!â you quickly blurted out, face reddening slightly as you cleared your throat to speak more calmly, âI meanâ Iâll stay.â Chan nodded, standing up to go up to his room with you; you didnât need to be led there of course, you already knew where it is, but Chan needed to at least grab a few things for himself before leaving it to you for the rest of the night.
A pair of clothes to sleep in, a blanket, a pillow, his phone charger, and heâs all set. You watched him move about the room while sitting on his bed, nervously fiddling with your fingers as you did. âIâll see you in the morning, uhmâ let me know if you need anything, yeah? Iâll be on the couch, so.. Yeah, good night,â he said with a slight smile before he departed, doing his best to close the door behind himself despite how full his hands were.
Another sigh leaves his lips now, followed by another check of the time; itâs already 2:30 a.m. He doubts you're still awake, and even if you are, he's decided he won't bother you. But if heâs going to lose sleep no matter what, he hopes it's from thinking about you comfortably wrapped in his blankets upstairs, instead of any of the other things that attempt to gnaw at him.
How on earth were you supposed to sleep?
You were in Chanâs bed, surrounded by the smell of his cologne, his stuffed toy wolf clutched closely to your chest because you always held something to fall asleep, but obviously didnât have any of your own plushies here to do so. And God, your heart absolutely refuses to be still no matter how mundane of a situation youâre in.
Who cares if youâre spending the night in the bed of the guy best friend that youâve started to develop a crush on? It doesnât matter! Youâre going insane, you thinkâ you canât take it.
Youâre stupid, delusional, thinking about how it'd be if he was still here with you, what itâd be like if he were laying down next to you. Wrapping his arm around you, pulling you against his chest, speaking to you in a gravelly, tired voice andâ please brain stop!!
You pour all your mental effort into stopping yourself from thinking about it any further as embarrassment flushes over you. Isnât this kind of cringey..? Getting a crush on the first guy to ever be nice to you seems so.. Cliche? Pathetic? What is even wrong with you? But when you look at him, you canât help it.Â
He may look intimidating to others, but youâve seen the truth of him since becoming his friend. Maybe itâs just puppy love that will fade with time, but you canât help but admire him. And maybe that admiration is being fueled by the fact that heâs also incredibly handsome, but thatâs besides the point. Underneath the aloof exterior, heâs sweet, caring, humble, generous.. How could you not like him?Â
And you think about the first time you saw him smileâ really smile, full and bright, teeth showing and eyes crinkled as a laugh escaped him. It was so beautiful, you felt like time slowed down around you.
You learned that he had dimples that day; cute ones that made his smile endearing beyond explanation, and that you hoped youâd see again and again and again from that day forward. You loved the way he looked when he was happy, when his hard exterior melted away to reveal the soft features he hid underneath.
Every day spent with Chan was full of a joy you thought youâd lost the capability to feel. You found yourself endlessly enamored by him, by every thing you learned about him; every interaction you had with him, intensified the feeling that welled in your chest.
He was so considerate of you, always watching out for you and making sure you were okay when you were out together. Like the time a few weeks ago when all of you were out together, celebrating Felixâs birthday.
You also met the other guys Chan considered his brothers that day; Jisung and Seungmin, who also had birthdays very close to Felixâs, Minho, who was close in age to Chan and equally as aloof in appearance, and Jeongin, the youngest of them all, though only by a small margin. It was fun to watch them all interact together over dinner, their dynamics quickly becoming apparent.
Changbin, who was typically loud to begin with, became even more so in the presence of Jisung, the pair becoming so explosively loud and chaotic that even the quieter ones like Chan and Minho would end up roped into whatever shouting was currently taking place. Youâd laugh as you observed the chaos, and you enjoyed seeing a new side of Chanâ one who let loose and had fun, who smiled freely and laughed just as much, who was beautiful beyond words.Â
You learned a lot about them that day tooâ about how Minho moved to the opposite end of the city to go to vet school and how Jisung moved into a small apartment with him to make sure he was taking care of himself (and to help care for the cats the older had adopted shortly after.)
Hyunjin, who you already knew was an avid painter, expressed his desire to own a studio some day, and Felix, your favorite barista and baker, talked about all the times he failed at a dessert and forced the others to eat them anyway so they wouldnât go to waste.Â
Seungmin was scouted to play baseball, and so moved pretty far away from the others now, but still loved to come back to the city and visit when he could, often with a camera in hand to capture moments he found beautiful. Jeongin was taking a gap year before going to school again, trying to make sure that he was sure about what he wanted to do with his life before committing himself to the hours of work and money spent.Â
You were in awe of them, truly; they were all so different, yet came together and loved one another so genuinely, as real brothers would. And they all unanimously agreed that Chan was the one who held them together, the one who supported them through everything and helped them during the hardest times in their life.
You loved how anytime someone praised him, or had anything even remotely positive to say about him, his ears would light up red with embarrassment as he turned his gaze away from them. You knew Chan was softie underneath, that was obvious to you from the day you met him, but it was still nice to have your opinion of him affirmed by others, to know that was the kind of person he always was.
And he expressed that he didnât see his actions as praiseworthy, always feeling awkward when it was brought up. To Chan, it was just human decency to help someone if he had the means toâ a feeling that stemmed from the time he spent alone and in need of help when he was a child.Â
He was well acquainted with that pain, knew how miserable it was, and he didnât want anyone else to experience it. He couldnât ignore someone who was clearly in need, so he always helped; even if he wasnât in the best of circumstances himself, he would do whatever he could for them, no questions asked. And he never asked for anything in return, because to him, seeing the person back on track and happy again was reward enough.Â
You knew every kind thing they said about Chan was no exaggeration, knew first hand that he truly was the kindest person youâd ever met. He put on a mask of toughness, sure, but there was no one in the world who was as generous and caring as him. You looked at him with pure adoration, which certainly didnât go unnoticed by Hyunjin, who smiled to himself whenever he saw the way youâd blush or smile whenever Chan looked back your way.Â
And when you were leaving the restaurant together, each saying your goodbyes as you readied yourselves to head in your separate directions, you saw him. It was pure coincidenceâ Jae was across the street, talking with some friends as he stood outside the bar smoking, completely unaware of the fact that you were even in the area.
Chan looked at you, noticed the way you suddenly stopped in place and just stared across the street, and he followed your gaze to the culprit. He stepped close to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulder and pulling you closer to his body.
âItâs okay, he didnât see you,â Chan comforted you, bringing his other hand to your face, directing you to look away from Jae and at him instead, âand even if he did, Iâm right here. Just stick close to me, okay?â You nodded slowly, wondering if the thumb that rested on your cheek could feel the way heat rose to it.
The others who were there, a group consisting of just the 3 who lived with Chan, just observed, not daring to step in until the moment was over. They all knew Jae well, and were also well aware of the things heâd done to you, at least on the surface level, and they promised that theyâd look out for you too.Â
You thanked them earnestly at the time, honestly unable to think of a single time youâd ever felt such solidarity, deeply appreciative of them, and of Chan, who brought you all together. But now, as they all stood there watching, they felt itâd be best to leave it to Chan, who you quite obviously had feelings for. Hyunjin and Felix shared a knowing look, deciding to drag Changbin down the street with them before heâd have the opportunity to accidentally interrupt your moment.Â
Butterflies erupted in your stomach as he squeezed your shoulder, leading you to walk away from the area with him. There was no romantic intent, you knew thatâ he was keeping you close to make sure you were okay, to ensure that you were within his reach should anything happen. Chan was a kind hearted person who did anything needed to protect others and there was nothing special about this interaction, you knew that.Â
But regardless of all those rational thoughts you were repeating to yourself, you couldnât stop the way it made your heart skip a beat, couldnât help the way his care for you made your knees weak and face hot. Because even if he never liked you the way you liked him, he still cared about you, and that was enough fuel for your growing crush on him, enough to make your heart beat out of control.Â
Was he still awake? Chan told you before that he was an insomniac, so it wasnât outside the realm of possibility that he was just as wide awake as you are. Should you go check?
There was certainly no harm in itâ if he did happen to be asleep, youâd just quietly slip back to his room and let him get some much needed rest, while you'd try again to get some sleep. There was really no reason not to go.Â
Carefully, you rise from the bed, wolf plush tucked safely in your arms and blanket wrapped around you, quietly opening the door and exiting out into the hallway. Youâre careful not to make the stairs creak as you make your way down to the living room where Chan is supposed to be, and he immediately comes into view once youâre at the bottom.
Itâs obvious heâs awake, phone screen brightly illuminating the otherwise pitch black space. He hears your footsteps as you step closer, lifting his head just enough to see who is approaching him this late at night.
He looks surprised to see you for a moment, an emotion you canât read in the relative darkness on his face for just a second before heâs sitting up and scooting to the side to make room for you on the couch next to him. âCanât sleep either, huh?â he asks as you plop down in the spot heâs provided for you next to him, âIs my bed uncomfortable?âÂ
âOh, no! Your bed was fine, itâs just..â I couldnât stop thinking about you, and it was driving me crazy, you think, but don't admit, â.. a lot on my mind, I guess.â He hums in acknowledgment, definitely feeling the same way; but he didnât need to drag you down with all that.
âDo you want to talk about it?â he offers, but you quickly shake your head, mortified at the thought of revealing your crush on him. Thatâs the last thing you should do. âThanks, but no, I just want to take my mind off it.âÂ
He chuckles a little at your response, opting instead to change the subject, âI see you have Wolf Chan with you.â Wolf Chan? You look down at your arms, the cute wolf toyâs head peeking out from between your arms.
âOh, he has a name?â you ask and he nods, smiling ever so slightly as he speaks. âYeah, kinda embarrassing but I had a huge wolf phase as a kid, so my mom and dad got me him for my birthday. Named him after myself cause, you know, kid brain thought it was cool.âÂ
âThatâs cute! When is your birthday?â you ask, hoping that youâd have the chance to plan something nice for him as thanks for all heâs done for you in the time youâve known him. âOctober 3rd,â he answers swiftly, and you frown.
â..What? It already passed then? Why didnât you tell me?â your frown transitions into a pout, sad at the realization that you all celebrated his brother's birthdays but not his.Â
âI.. donât really celebrate it. Wolf Chanâ he was the last gift I got from my parents, the last birthday I had with them before.. Yeah. So I just.. Donât acknowledge my birthday anymore, I guess?â Your heart sinks, not only because of how sad that is, but because youâre holding something clearly so important and personal to him without even having known it. âIâm so sorry, I didnât knowâ should I go put him back?âÂ
âNah, donât worry. I like it actually,â he smiles softly, sincerely, âI havenât touched him in a long time myself, so.. He needs the attention. Iâm sure he was feeling neglected.â You smile back, relief washing over you instantly, thankful that you didnât unintentionally make a drastic error. âWell I hope you know, I canât let your birthday go ignored now that I know it.â
âI expected that,â he replies, knowing full well youâd share that sentiment with his brothers. They still always wish him a happy birthday and get him a gift despite how often he expresses that they shouldnât.
âCan I ask you something? Itâs okay if you donât want to answer,â you ask carefully, voice quiet and unsure, an underlying worry carried in your tone. Chan swallows, already anticipating what the question will be, the same questions heâs answered countless times, but never gets any easier to talk about.
âWhat they were like? You must still think about them a lot.â Oh. That wasnât the question he was expecting. Heâs used to being asked what happened, how he's coping, if thereâs anything he needsâ no one has ever asked about what they were like when they were still here.
He anticipates pity, or a sympathy that while mostly appreciated, makes him feel incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. Even with practice, thereâs still times where he doesnât know how to react, a terse, âIâm fine, thanks,â leaving him as he plots the quickest way out of the conversation.Â
Safe to say, Chan isnât good about talking about his feelings, or even feeling them to begin with for that matter. Apart from moments of weakness, when his facade cracks due to the mounting pressure and overload of emotions, he shares only what he deems necessary, never offering more than the minimum of what is needed.
Even when it came to his brothers, who he trusts more than anyone else, it was hard for him to go beyond his practiced response, taking him a great amount of emotional effort to do so. And he's not confident he can talk with you about how good they were without breaking down, but he can still share a little of how he feels, can't he?
âI do,â he answers after a moment, voice ever so slightly wavering. It's a simple response, sure, but not for Chanâ nothing related to this topic is ever simple or easy for him. But somehow he feels comfortable enough to try.
And maybe thatâs because itâs encroaching 3am and lack of sleep really takes a toll on oneâs mental defenses, but he doesnât think thatâs all there is to it. He trusts you, as he does anyone heâs grown close to, but it takes more than trust alone to be able to open up.
You could trust someone with your life and still struggle to express an emotion, still have the words you want to say die in your throat. Maybe itâs because of what else he feels when heâs around youâ an unfamiliar emotion that encroaches on his chest whenever youâre in the room with him.Â
The one that intensifies his desire to protect you from people like Jae, the one that leads to him wanting to talk to you at all hours about any and every thing that comes to your mind, the one that makes his heart pick up when you smile at him and always makes him return the smile despite himself.
He wants to share with you, he realizes; share everything he can, from his happy moments to his sad ones, his thoughts, his feelings, his entire life even. He wants nothing to be off limits, to be his authentic self before you, even if who he is deep down is ugly and scarred.
âEven just before you came downstairs, I was thinking of them,â he continues, his honesty unfamiliar to himself but not unwelcome; itâs not that heâd lie about anything he felt, but he was just.. Avoidant. He didnât want to talk about it, refused to even, most times.
But youâ you make him want to be honest, not just with you, but with himself. Maybe itâs because of the feelings for you that have begun to accumulate in his heart, or maybe because he knows how similar you are. The circumstances were different, but the feelings were the same; isolation, sadness, hopelessness.
No one to turn to, no one to rely on, fighting all by yourself, with only your own ability to pick yourself back up to carry you forward. Chan knew first hand how painful that existence is, how much it hurts to have nothing, no one. Heâs also come to learn, time and time again, that even when youâve found your place in the world, the void lingers.
The hole in his chest never closesâ even if he can stop itâs growth, it never shrinks, never collapses or recedes. Thereâs reasons for that, he knows; itâs his own fault for not allowing himself to feel, to share, his hesitancy to allow anyone past armâs length or to chip at his walls.
He doesnât want that with youâ if he wants something with you beyond this, beyond the boundaries of simple friendship, he needs to do more, feel more, share more. It was something he thought he would be terrified to do, an irrational fear that your opinion of him would change if he wasn't as strong as he appeared to be; but now that he's met with the opportunity, instead of fear, he feels.. safe?Â
âI lost them really young, you know; I was just a kid with a lot of grief he didnât know how to handle, and the people who took me in didnât care. âSuck it up,â âget over it,â âstop being a baby and grow up,â shit like that. Didnât matter that I was only 7 and lost everything, I should just be grateful they gave me a place to sleep and eat."
"Got emancipated at 16 to get away from them, dropped out of school cause I couldnât balance it with how much I had to work, and I wasnât gonna miss it anyways. And here I am now,â Chan is hesitant to meet your gaze when he finishes talking, worried about what feeling it might conjure in him when he sees your eyes laden with sympathy.Â
Normally, the sympathy of others make him feel sick. He hates the pity, hates the attention that comes with having his vulnerabilities on display, hates the words they offer as consolation. But he doesn't hate it for youâ the only thing you ever make him feel is warm. So, so warm after a lifetime of cold.
You move across the couch and wrap your arms around him in a hug, an action he didnât expectâ it's the first time you're hugging him. âThat mustâve been so hard..â you say softly, care and concern for him evident in the way you speak to him.
He blinks, a lump forming in his throat that normally heâd try to ignore, to push away and act as if heâs fine, but this time he doesnât. Heâs choked up, heâs emotional, and for once, thatâs okay.Â
Carefully, he wraps his arms around you as well, his head resting atop yours as he lets out a shaky exhale. âCan we stay like this for a while?â he asks quietly, his fingers clutching at your shirt, as if afraid youâll leave him the moment he lets go.
âOf course,â you assure him, moving just enough to make yourself more comfortable and settle in against him, âas long as you need.â He mumbles a âthank youâ, to which you hum in response, following his lead as he lays back and settles with you in his arms.Â
You stay like that for a long timeâ long enough for your breathing to slow, eyes closed and arms beginning to fall from the hug as you drift off. Your head has sank to his chest, his heartbeat, that started fast and erratic, has slowed to a comforting, steady rhythm that lulled you to sleep.
Chan is careful to pull the blanket up to your shoulders, ensuring that you at least are covered and will stay plenty warm until you wake up. He closes his eyes, keeping his arms wrapped around you under the blanket, wanting to keep you close and not let go.
He doesnât know if heâll always have this with you; this close comfort, this feeling of peace and calm, of having you in his arms and being able to be held by you, while holding you in return. He likes it, wants it engraved in his memory in case it never happens again, to always remember the way you felt, the way you cared, the safety he felt with you. A small, but cherished moment, special and important to him beyond words.
Was it okay to be this happy? Itâs something Chan thought about lately, whenever he had finished spending a day with you, laying in his bed and playing them over in his mind, making sure every little detail was memorized.
The way you smiled, the way you laughed, the feel of your soft skin when he touched your hand or you hugged him tight, the way your perfume lingered in the room long after youâd left it. Did he deserve to be happy?
He certainly didnât feel like he did, but he welcomed it all the same, too selfish to let go of the small piece of joy heâd obtained. His feelings for you had grown considerably, and he was sure it was obvious to his brothers, who never failed to notice the way he'd change when he was around you; they just knew him too well and were around him too much to not notice something different about his behavior.Â
He liked you a lot, and there was certainly no way heâd be able to deny it if they asked about it. They didnât overtly ask about it though of course, more often opting to make subtle nods to their knowledge of it or make suggestions like âwouldnât it be fun if Y/N came too? You should invite her!â when they had plans together.
Sometimes they even lightly poked some fun, one instance that sticks in Chan's mind being when Hyunjin wanted to show him what he called an âadorable picture.â It was of you and Chan, asleep on the couch together that first time you stayed the night.
Your head on his chest, his arm loosely wrapped around you, blanket having fallen from your shoulders just enough to make Chanâs hand on your back come into view. His face flushed when he saw it, ears burning as they turned red. Hyunjin was right, it was an adorable picture, and Chan was embarrassed beyond belief to see the moment captured.Â
Hyunjin giggled in a mischievous sort of delight upon seeing the olderâs reaction, evidently very pleased with the result he obtained. Chan's typical response in a situation where his feelings are exposed like this would be to play it cool and act like itâs not a big deal, which truthfully, he didnât want to do.
Why should he pretend he doesnât like you as much as he does? Especially after heâs decided heâll do his best to be honest with himself, and by extension, the others in his life (you especially.)Â Even if itâs embarrassing, or uncomfortable because heâs not used to his emotions being obvious and out on display, itâs what he wants, needs even.
He needs to let them out if heâs going to be a better man than he was the day before, to be deserving of you when the time is right. So instead, he does what would normally be the unthinkableâ he owns it. No denial, no avoidance, no playing it off as less severe or important than it really is to him.Â
âCan you.. send it to me? Iâ I want to keep it,â Chan asked, easily the most shy and embarrassed to ask a question he had ever been in his entire life. Hyunjin blinked, initially surprised, but then immediately smiled. âOf course Channie-hyung! You should send it to Y/N too, Iâm sure sheâd like it,â he said as he eagerly opened his message tab, clicking Chanâs name to send the photo he took.Â
âYou could send it to her,â Chan responded before the words following fully sank in. Would you? âYou think sheâd want it too?â he asked, wondering if Hyunjin could tell how much hope lied in his question.
âWhy wouldnât she? Youâre friends, arenât you? And itâs a cute memory,â Hyunjin said, doing his best to convey why he thinks youâd want it without revealing that you absolutely have as bad of a crush on Chan as he does on you. (And itâs not like you explicitly told him either; itâs just that youâre as obvious about it and easy to read as Chan is.)Â
âRight, yeah, of course.â Was it silly to hope that Hyunjin would say something like âobviously because she likes you!â âŚYeah. Definitely. But when he looked at the picture, it gave him hope that maybe you felt the same way; and if you didnât, that maybe you would in the future, after he gave his earnest effort to be someone good.Â
His next bit of hope came during a get together for Hyunjinâs birthday. The weather had just begun to turn warm, the days slowly getting longer and longer, allowing for more frequent outings. Thus, by Hyunjinâs own request, you went to have some fun downtown, hitting up local art scenes and scouting out opportunities for the birthday boy to get some fresh, new supplies.
It turned out to be a long day, with Hyunjinâs interest piqued towards various different places and sights, and as night rolled in most of the group had empty stomachs and aching legs. You all settled for having dinner at the house, picking up takeout and a birthday cake on the way back.
You seemed different after eating dinner, Chan noticed. You were sitting alone on the couch away from the group in the kitchen, who were crowding around the birthday cake waiting for a slice. You were watching them with an almost somber expression, and Chan couldâve sworn your eyes were fixated on him in particular.Â
Had he done something to upset you? There was nothing he could recall, but he wasnât exactly well versed or experienced with understanding or handling the complexities of feelings. He could easily imagine a world in which he unintentionally said or did something wrong, but he hoped that maybe you were just tired, and Chan only thought you were looking at him in sadly, when in reality, exhaustion was just catching up to you.Â
And really, you were staring at Chan, but not for the reason he feared; he hadnât done a single thing to upset youâ quite the contrary, actually. He was goodâ not just to you, but to everyone. You watched the way heâd shoulder everything, how heâd support endlessly and rarely accept anything back, always so selfless and caring, withstanding anything thrown his way with generous consideration.Â
You learned a lot about Chan in your time with him; about his youth, what his family dynamic used to be like, how even before he dropped out he had a bad reputation at his school for appearing stand-offish and cold. That reputation followed him for a majority of his life after leaving as well, with most people who knew him having a great dislike for him due to their perceived vision of him and the half-truths (or outright lies) they believed in.
It was only people like you and his brothers, who took the time to know him beyond the superficial front, that knew what a great person he truly was. And truthfully, it angered you; why were people so quick to judge someone they didnât know?
Chan was the exact opposite of what people made him out to be. He wasnât violent or cruel, nor was he scary or someone to be avoided at all costs. He was just a boy, now a man, who had suffered far too much pain and cruelty for someone his age, who was just doing his best to navigate the world with the limited resources he had. What was so wrong with that?Â
But despite all the misconceptions of others, the burdens he carried, or the responsibilities he had, you never once heard him complain about any of it, or show any sign of annoyance. Because despite what people might think about him, the people close to him knew who he truly wasâ someone who lived his life with compassion and kindness, who was misunderstood but not ill-intentioned, always trying his best despite the difficulties that came his way.Â
Sometimes you would wonder, thoughâ is he really okay? Chan had dealt with so much, enough to easily break down even the most resolute of people. And as much as he shared, there was equally as much that you didnât know; about what he felt, if he ever received as much as he gave, if he was truly happy.
You did your best to ensure he was. You always returned whatever favor he gave you, strived to be a reassuring presence for him as much as he was for you, but it was hard to know if that was enough. You wanted to ask, but you didnât know how best to broach the subject, or if heâd even be willing to talk about it if you did.
He had opened up to you before, during late night chats or if something he saw reminded him of a memory he held, but the moments themselves were quite fleeting, and you worried about him. You always worried about him, no matter where you were or what you were doing, because simply put, you loved him.Â
You werenât in love with him (you definitely were), but he was an undeniably important person in your life, who you had a lot of love and care for. He was your friend, and you wanted the best for him.
Youâd never force him to share with you or tell you anything he didnât want to of course, but you hoped he knew that he could if he wanted to. You hoped he knew that he never had to be scared or uncertain when it came to opening up to you, you hoped he knew that you would always listen to him and be there for him.Â
Chan approached you carefully, working up his courage to talk to you and see if you were okay, and to know if there was an apology he owed you for some unknown grievance. âAre you okay? Whatâs got you so deep in thought tonight?â heâd asked, trying his best to not show how nervous he felt; youâd stopped looking at him, but he could tell even from afar that you were focused on something.
âOh, I..â You hesitated a moment, wondering how you should best phrase what your honest thoughts were. You took a quick glance towards the kitchen where everyone else was, noting that everyone still seemed to be involved in their own conversations and antics, not paying any mind to the two of you. That made it a little easier; you think youâd die of embarrassment if they heard what you planned to say next.Â
âI was thinking about you actually,â you said quietly after turning your gaze back to Chan. What surprised him wasnât just how openly you admitted it, but how you didnât seem the least bit angry or upset with him like he was worried you were.
So.. what about him had you so deep in thought, then? âWhat about me..?â he asked hesitantly, hoping for the best but still slightly scared he was reading you completely wrong.Â
You swallowed before continuing, worried that you were somehow going to offend him by bringing up what you were thinking. While you felt like you knew Chan fairly well at this point, people can still become defensive or agitated when asked about something personal, and thatâs the last thing you wanted him to feel.
But heâs looking at you expectantly, eyes fixed solely on you as he waited to hear what you had to say, so there was no getting out of it now. âI was wondering if you are okay lately. Like.. really okay, and not just saying you are so we donât worry about you.âÂ
Oh. He was completely stunned by your words, unexpectedly taken aback. No one had ever said that to him before, and he didnât know how to respond to such earnest concern for him. Obviously, he had been asked if he was okay plenty of times in his life, but never in a way such as this, that insinuated there was a lot more hiding below the surface.
And there was. Deep buried feelings gnawed at him, begging to be acknowledged, but he always pushed them down further, reasoning that now wasnât the time and heâd confront them later, when the time was right.Â
But when was the right time? It never came, no time ever feeling like the right one. Or maybe Chan just spent so much time avoiding his feelings that now he didnât know how to confront them anymore. He was so used to sharing so little, that even his earnest efforts were still small in comparison to what most others were able to do.
But how did you realize that about him? Was it just coincidence, or were you already so acclimated to him that you could recognize the way his brain worked? âYou donât have to talk about it if you donât want to,â you said after his prolonged pause, worried that you did in fact make him uncomfortable as you feared.
âIâ No, I was just surprised,â he finally responded, turning to look in the direction of his friends just as you had done a moment prior. They were all joking around, laughing loudly as they made the birthday boy wear a stupid party hat they picked up and putting frosting on his face, leaving Chan in his own little bubble with you.Â
He turned his gaze back to you, wanting to say something, anything, but finding it difficult to speak, as usual. His words were trapped in his throat, refusing to come to the surface no matter how much effort he poured into trying. You took notice of his hesitancy, and decided to speak again in the hopes of giving him some comfort.
âI justâ youâve done a lot for me since I met you, more than anyone ever has, so⌠I want to be there for you too. If you need it, I mean, because I really, really care about you..â Your face heats up a bit when youâre finished speaking, feeling nervous from the admission.Â
This must feel so out of the blue from Chanâs perspective, and that thought made you feel silly for bringing it up in the middle of a birthday party in the first place. And on top of that, youâd openly said how much you care about him, which is embarrassing all on its own. Even if itâs not a love confession by any means, it feels similar enough that it makes your heart pound like crazy.Â
Chanâs face grew hot, positively burning, heart rate picking up drastically. He hopes you donât notice the obvious red creeping on his features, or hear how fast his heart is beating against his chest. It wasnât just the fact that he hadnât expected this moment to happen that made him react this way, but the way you expressed your concern for him.
You wanted to support him, you wanted to make sure he was okay, you were thinking about him. Normal things, sure, but when coming from someone you have undeniable feelings for, itâs enough to make your blood pressure skyrocket.Â
He swallowed, preparing himself to make another attempt at speaking. âThank you, I really appreciate that,â he said, offering a timid smile your way to ease your growing anxiety as he continued, âIt might be hard for me, butâ but Iâll try, at the very least.. To tell you if Iâm not okay, I mean.â
You returned his smile earnestly, evidently pleased with his response. You couldnât ask him to open up easily or suddenly share all his close-held concerns and deeply buried thoughts, but the fact that heâd try and was open to it was whatâs important. If he could trust you the way you had grown to trust him, thatâd be more than enough for you to be happy.
From a distance, Felix had taken notice of the way you and Chan hadnât joined in on the chaos of chasing Hyunjin around the kitchen to cover him with icing, and paused to look in your direction. The others stopped too when they noticed his pause, following his gaze to be met with the same sight of Chanâs burning face and the beaming smile you held towards him. They had hope, as much as Chan did, that there would come a day where the two of you would become a couple.Â
Was it okay to be this happy? Was it okay for Chan to hope that you returned his feelings? Was it okay to plan his confession, to wonder how his life would look if you said yes, to picture himself kissing you and holding you close at all hours of the day?
There were still things he had to do first, things to get out of and people to get away from, but you were his driving force to do that. You were the motivation to turn his life into something better, the hope he needed to get through it all.Â
Even if he didnât deserve it, you made it worth trying. His life, which was plagued with bad memories and remorse for actions taken, became brighter and more livable when you were there to share it with him. Maybe it was okay to have someone to lean on, someone to confide in and share his burden with, someone to ground him and remind him that happiness is possible for him, and that it doesnât always have to be a fleeting hope or dream.Â
Thatâs what you were for himâ hope in human form, a dream come true. Everything he wanted, everything he needed, beautiful and perfect in every way. And if you accepted his feelings, heâd never stop showing his appreciation to you, heâd shower you with all the love you could handle and then some, making sure you always knew just how much you meant to him.
There were many things in this life that left Park Jaehyung feeling resentful; the way adults expected absolute obedience from him, the way he was expected to be an exemplary student with no flaws, and the way society projected their version of âsuccessâ onto him. He wanted to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it, with no one to tell him what is or isnât proper.
All he wanted in life was to have fun and live by his own terms, consequences be damned. If he wanted to smoke, heâd do it. If he wanted to party, heâd do it. And if he wanted to get with a girl, even one who absolutely loathed his existence, heâd do it. So, what by far angered him more than anything else was the way Bang Chan had thrown himself into your life.Â
Jae would say that he knew Chan and his crew fairly well, often finding themselves within the same spaces. And from an outside perspective, comparisons definitely could be made between them; after all, how different from each other could some ex-school delinquents be from a shady drop out that no one gave a shit about, and his friends that followed him around like lost puppies?
Theyâd often find themselves rooted in the same places, attending the same parties, pissing off or scaring the same people; but that was the extent of any similarity between them. Contrary to what an outsider may believe, Jae absolutely hated Chan, and anyone who would look at them and come to the conclusion that they were friends were blatant fucking morons.Â
From Jaeâs perspective, Chan was pretentious and irritating; he always had a holier than thou attitude, looking down on Jae and his friends as if he was any better. Who was Chan to preach about morals and principles? Who gives a fuck about any of that bullshit?
Jae certainly didnât, and he was tired of being told he was âin the wrong.â If Chan wanted to spend his whole life worrying about whether or not what he was doing was right or wrong, he could, but Jae wasnât going to listen to it. Besides, it was pretty fucking ironic to get lectured by a âprofessional fixer" of all people. He really should drop the âIâm better than youâ act.
But for the most part, Jae could live his everyday life without interacting with Chan, or seeing any of his loyal idiots. The occasional glare on the street or punch thrown at a party was the extent of their relationship, if you could even call it that. As long as both sides minded their own business, there wasnât much conflict to be had.
Sure, Jaehyung would love to instigate a problem given how much he disliked them, but he wasnât stupid enough to start a fight he wouldnât assuredly win. Some might accuse him of cowardice, but he would argue that it was just being smart. There was nothing to be gained from a losing battle; it was better to bide his time, and wait for the right moment. And there was a critical piece missing in the âright momentâ that he still needed; you.Â
For as long as he could remember, Jae found school pointless. It was repetitive, boring, and everyone around him was exceedingly fake. They all wore such obvious masks, trying (and failing, in Jaeâs opinion) to appear without fault. No one was perfect and he found it pitiful to even try and pretend they were.
No matter who you are or what you do, something will be flawed. There will always be something wrong with you, always something there for someone to criticize. So what was the point of it all? By the time he entered high school he was used to this monotony and the ignorance of his peers.Â
And thatâs when he saw you for the first time; shy, vulnerable, unmasked you. You werenât trying to project anything to anyone that wasnât authentically you, though at first he couldnât tell if that was intentional or not. Maybe you simply had no reason to, or you were comfortable not to, or maybe didnât even realize how different you were amongst the people heâd grown to hate.
Whatever the reason, he was intrigued by your ârealnessâ in a sea of two faced, judgemental people. You were smart but not boastful, kind but not pretentious, beautiful but seemingly modest; and he liked it.Â
At first, his fixation with you started with simple curiosity driven observation. You were always at the top of the class but never once looked down on anyone below you. And while he personally found studying incredibly tedious and pointless, he did oddly admire how much you devoted yourself to it.
You werenât born smart, at least he assumed so from how often he witnessed you studying, rather you reached your heights through effort and determination. And instead of finding it a worthless effort like he would if it were someone else, he found himself meeting a strange feeling he couldn't name.Â
He wasnât sure why, but watching you give your earnest effort to your studies didnât piss him off like it did with everyone else. Normally heâd tell someone like you that they were wasting their timeâ studying was stupid, school was stupid, and anyone who cared about it was stupid as well. So why didnât he have that same sentiment towards you? Why did he want to encourage you?Â
Why did he want to always look at you? What was it about you that infatuated him so much? He could have any girl he wanted, ones who lined up with his view of the world and he could woo as easily as he could tie his shoe, but instead he always found his gaze landing on you.
To like someone like you went against everything he ever told himself, but maybe that was okay. Maybe you could change his perspective, make him the kind of person that could care about the shit he's supposed to. Â
Thatâs why he approached you that day. He didnât tell any of his friends what he was feeling or about his intentions to get to know youâ it was something he wanted to do for himself. He didnât want to look at you from afar anymore, he wanted to be next to you. He wanted to talk to you, get to know you, find out what makes you the person you are.Â
And then his friend fucking ruined it. Maybe it was Jaeâs own fault for always putting himself in the leader position, for being the kind of person who canât let someone else take charge, because that meant he had people waiting on him.
In hindsight, it was obvious someone would notice his absence from the group and come seek him out, but it still pissed him off. And what pissed him off even more were the words his friend spoke.Â
âI knew it! You do like her!â
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Now what was he supposed to do? His friendâs smug fucking grin was infuriating. Who was he to look at Jae like that? He couldnât admit he genuinely liked you or say he wanted to get to know you, he had a reputation to maintain.
So, he did the opposite of what he truly wanted to do. He treated you the same way he treated the girls he had flings with, acting like you were some lovesick puppy who couldnât handle that he didnât like you the way you liked him.Â
You were going to hate him after that, he knew it; and maybe he was stupid for even thinking he could have genuine friendship with someone like you given the kind of guy he was. And why should he want that?
He doesnât do shit like that, he never has, and the fact that you even managed to get into his head and make him doubt the way heâs lived so far pissed him off. You were just a girl, at the end of the day.Â
And so his complicated, unresolved feelings of frustration and hatred were endlessly unleashed upon you, the undeserving outlet for his confusion and stubborn desire to never change his ways for anyone. Heâd live his life the way he wanted, regardless of what anyone had to say about it, and like-minded people could come along for the ride as long as they recognized him as the one on top of it all.Â
And you, the one he liked for a fleeting moment before it all came down on him; he wouldnât let you go. Because whether you liked him or hated him, you wouldnât be able to ignore him. As long as you felt something for him, even if that feeling was hate, fear, or dread, it was a feeling for him, and heâd take anything from you he could, because that was the best he was ever gonna get.Â
When he saw you at that party, it felt like fate. God didnât do favors for men like him, but maybe he could start to believe in shit like that if he kept getting blessed like this. When graduation day came, he was sure heâd never see you again. You were moving to god-knows-where, while heâd stay stuck in this shitty city with his shitty friends, doing the same shit he always does.Â
Well, his time with you couldnât last forever; this was the inevitable conclusion, after all. Heâd just crash wherever he felt like it, work when he felt like it, and maybe get a girl on his arm to take your place when he felt like it. But then he saw you, at this random ass party he went to by chance, purely cause his friends were going and booze was promised.Â
You hadnât moved all that far, it turned out. You were still within his reach, and he had you now. Oh, and the look you gave him when your eyes met; he knew he missed it but damn, did it light a fire in him. He had you again, he had you, and then Chan fucking ruined it, like he ruins everything he comes in contact with.Â
It was okay, he thought. There would be more chances, and Jae could be assured of the fact that no one fucking likes Chan, and you wouldnât either. Now that he knew you werenât all too far from where you grew up, he could find you again, and relive his glory days before they ever even faded. But every fucking time he saw you again, Chan was there, ruining it.Â
Fuck, it infuriated him. And the way you looked at him? What the fuck was that? The way you smiled at him made him absolutely sick; Jae never knew you could smile like that, and why would he? He never did anything to warrant something like that from you. But if he didnât get to have it, then why did Chan? Chan didnât deserve shit, and especially not you.Â
You smiled at him like he was the world, stared at him with twinkling eyes and a flushed face, let him wrap his arm around you and hold your hand with the most shy delight Jae had ever seen. And it all went to Chan? All your pretty looks and radiant smiles were for him? No, he couldnât take that. If there was one thing Jae was going to do, it was going to be making sure he ruined it for Chan, the way that Chan ruined everything for him.Â
And finally, his patience was rewarded, because he sees you walking alone in a shopping plaza not all too far away from where you go to school. Itâs a popular spot for the local college students, carrying everything they need to get through their daily lives, as well as a few luxuries.
Itâs not all that busy at this time of day however; itâs still fairly early on a Friday evening, and if Jae had to guess, thatâs precisely why youâre here now, instead of an hour or two later when there will be a rush of students all looking to do some shopping or have a bit of weekend fun.Â
He wasnât here for you, having come instead to look for a hook-up, but heâs not going to ignore a perfectly good opportunity when itâs presented to him. He wastes no time in approaching, smiling as he does, eager to put a plan in motion to bring everything Chan wants crashing down on his fucking head.
You freeze when he calls your name, heart sinking as you register the voice youâre hearing. You know it all too well, never able to forget it. Despite your better judgment screaming at you to just keep walking, you turn in the direction you heard the voice to see Jaehyung standing against one of the plazaâs many support beams.
What was he doing here? You want to believe he didn't come out looking for you purposely, but you wouldn't put it past him; he's certainly capable of it. âLong time no chat, huh? Have you missed me?â he asked with the signature condescending tone you were once so familiar with.Â
âWhat do you want?â You ask sternly, deciding you absolutely will not entertain any of his mocking. âWow, so hostile already,â Jae fakes a disappointed sigh as he crosses his arms, âThatâs pretty brave of you given your guard dog is nowhere in sight.â
You glare at him as you stick your hands in your pockets, wanting to have your phone at the ready in case he tries something with you. âIf you touch me youâll regret it. Chan will know it was you,â you say, trying to sound braver than you feel. You had no doubt that Chan would kick Jae's ass if he did anything to you, but that doesnât mean he wouldnât try anyways if he really wanted to.Â
âYeah, youâre right, which is why Iâm not gonna do any of that shit. I just wanna talk to you," Jaehyung says, and your brow immediately raises in suspicion. He just wants to talk to you? Yeah fucking right. âTalk about what? Thereâs nothing I want to hear from you,â you counter, and he chuckles, having fully expected a reaction like that.Â
âJust hear me out. How well do you know Chan? Like really know him?â he counters back. â..Why?â you ask with a frown. You wanted to say you knew Chan well, but the truth is that thereâs still a lot about him you donât have insight on.
Despite that, youâre sure that anything Jae has to say about him isnât going to be the truth, and you certainly wonât let anything from Jaeâs mouth change how you feel about someone. Especially not Chan.Â
âMm, I see,â Jae responds, seemingly amused at the way you refuse to offer anything up. âHow about this then, do you know what he does for a living?â You narrow your eyes at his question. What is he getting at by asking you something like that?
âHe works at a convenience store,â you respond flatly, not wanting to give away anything you feel from his pestering. âOh, does he? Are you sure about that?â he responds with a sarcastic smile that leaves you feeling uneasy. âWhat are you insinuating?âÂ
âDo you really think that the money he makes at a convenience store earns him enough money to pay for that big ass house he lives in? All the food they eat, their bills, school expenses, everything? Even with a hell of a lot of overtime and his friends pitching in, thatâs a bit unrealistic, donât you think?â he once again counters your question with one of his own, clearly trying to plant seeds of doubt about Chan within you. âCmon, youâre smarter than that, why donât you think about it harder?"
You glare at him again, refusing to listen any further or reach whatever conclusion he is attempting to bring you to. âWhatever youâre trying to say about Chan, I donât care. Tell it to someone else.â You start to turn to walk away, feeling fed up with his game at this point, but he quickly grabs your arm to stop you.Â
âLet go,â you protest as you try to tug your arm away, but he tightens his grip. âJust listen,â he says as he keeps a firm hold on you, âChan isnât as good as you think he is.â You scoff at his words. As if someone like him was any better?
Youâd take Chan over him any day, no matter what it is you donât know about him. âYouâre going to lecture me on good people? After all youâve done to me? Whatever Chan may or may not be involved in, Iâd take my chances with him rather than spend even another second around you.âÂ
Jaeâs face contorts in anger at your words, and he roughly throws your arm back at you. âFine, go fuck your piece of shit criminal boyfriend and see where it gets you!âÂ
âŚWhat?
Jae sees the shock and confusion clearly on your face, and his usual smug smile replaces the scowl he held just a moment ago. âWhat, you didnât know? He does some real bad shit in his free time, sweetheart. I wouldnât be surprised if he gets arrested one of these days,â he returns to his mocking tone, clearly trying to get even more of a reaction out of you.Â
âI donât believe you,â you respond and he laughs, as if he expected to hear that. âOf course you donât. But I can prove it to you.â âProve it how?â you question despite your better judgment. You know you shouldnât indulge Jae by leaning into whatever he was trying to make you think, but if there was some semblance of truth in his statement.. What would that mean for Chan? For his brothers, and for you?
âMeet up with me later, youâll see then,â he says plainly and you frown in response. âI trust you even less than I believe you,â you say as you cross your arms and Jae laughs again; you certainly have gotten more of a spine since the last time he saw you. "Like you said, they'd know it was me if something happens to you. I really have nothing to gain from tricking you unless I have a death wish.âÂ
You narrow your eyes, contemplating the situation before making any definite decision. You supposed what he was saying is true at least; anything he tried would get back to the guys, and theyâd make him regret it with no hesitation.
But even so, you were still hesitant to go along with this. You really didnât want to give him any satisfaction by buying into whatever he was trying to tell you, but now there was a gnawing feeling in the back of your head telling you that if it was true, and Chan is a criminal, you needed to know.Â
â..Fine, but donât expect me to go anywhere private with you,â you finally say, a knot building in your stomach as you commit to seeing what Jae thinks is so terrible about Chan. âFine with me, princess, just show up where I tell you to and youâll see everything you need to,â he smirks at you and your stomach churns, both from the smug look on his face and the nauseating nickname.
âIâll reach out, so donât chicken out, âkay? I expect to see you,â he grins before he turns away, leaving you to resume your evening. As he gets further away, guilt and uncertainty begins to creep up on you. What if this is something you and Chan can never come back from? What if you can never trust each other again? Is it worth potentially losing someone so special to you? You hope beyond words that this isnât a decision youâll come to regret.
It takes Jae a week to reach out to you again, doing so on social media cause there was absolutely no way in hell youâd ever give him your phone number. You also didnât see Chan much that week, the guilt and worry eating away at you every time you looked at him, knowing that at some point, Jae was supposedly going to present you with evidence of Chan being a bad person. You still donât believe that he is, but you need to put this to rest yourself, and not give room for any doubts about Chan to live in your head.Â
The address Jae sends you is indeed a public one, a relatively large park just outside of the city that you imagine is popular with the families that live close to it. At the time youâre going though, there definitely wonât be any families there. You have reservations about meeting up with Jae at night, even if itâs at a public place, but he insists that night is the only time thatâll work because âpeople donât do shady shit during the dayâ apparently.Â
Begrudgingly, you go to the park well before the appointed hour, passing the time on a bench until Jae shows up, having your phone at the ready just in case this is all some sort of elaborate plot to get you where he wants you. He grins when he sees you, shooting you a wave that you donât reciprocate. âNice to see you,â he says with a smirk as he walks up to you.Â
âCanât say the same about you,â you respond flatly, âletâs just get this over with.â âGladly,â he responds, motioning for you to stand up. You do, hesitantly, and he walks over to a small hill at the edge of the park, walking up it and expecting you to follow.
âWhat are we doing?â you ask, cautiously taking steps to reach the top. âLook there,â Jae points across the street, where street lights illuminate a rather empty street, with a small alley just within your line of sight. âJust wait, this wonât take long,â he says, holding his characteristically smug smile as he leans his weight against a tree.
You frown as you turn your attention back to the street, looking around for anything youâre supposed to be noticing but arenât, but you donât notice anything in particular of importance. On top of that, your mind is at war with itself, one part scolding you for really following along with this, while the other demands you see it through so you can put any doubts about Chanâs character to rest.
âThere we go,â Jae says enthusiastically as two figures appear on the street walking next to each other, one man that you donât recognize and one that you definitely do- Chan.
âWhat is this?â you ask, not sure whatâs so critically important about watching Chan walk the street with some guy you donât know. âYouâll see, just donât take your eyes off him,â Jae responds, pointing forward and urging you to not look away for even a moment.Â
The pair step into the alley, and while thereâs no light to illuminate them fully when theyâre off the main street, you can still see them well enough. Theyâre talking, you think, calmly at first, but then it becomes more animated, with the stranger becoming increasingly more expressive with his arms and hands.
Heâs.. panicked? He takes a step back, trying to put distance between himself and Chan, but then it happens- a punch thrown, by none other than Chan himself. He hits the man hard, and he crumples to the ground instantly, arms coming up to protect his head after heâs hit the floor.
That should be it, you think, but no, it continues, with Chan throwing punch after punch, unrelenting. You can hear the main cry out in pain now, his voice carrying easily to you in the otherwise silent area. You donât understand- what is Chan doing? Youâve never seen him like this, but surely thereâs a reason, right?Â
Chan reaches into the man's pockets now, fishing for something, and he finds it soon enough- his wallet. You watch in disbelief as Chan takes the money and shoves it in his own pocket, throwing the wallet back at the man as if itâs worthless now. When he emerges from the alley, itâs even worse- you can see the blood on his knuckles, can see how it drips down to the ground, evidence that there was no mistake in what you saw.Â
âChan!â Jae calls out enthusiastically, rushing down the hill to make his way to him, âThanks for the show!â Chan looks visibly surprised to see Jae running up to him, but then sighs, rolling his eyes as Jae approaches him.
You move down the hill hesitantly, not sure if Chan has noticed youâre here too, but hoping for some kind of explanation. âWhy were you watching?â You can hear Chan question as you start to get to the bottom of the hill.Â
âWhat, canât a guy watch? Itâs entertaining seeing a shitty guy get what's cominâ to him,â Jae answers and Chan scoffs before he holds his hand out to Jae, clearly waiting to be given something. âIronic coming from you. But whatever, I did what you asked, so just pay me so we can get out of here.â
âYeah, yeah, good doinâ business with you and shit,â Jae smiles as he reaches into his pocket, putting a large stack of bills into Chanâs hand. Jae looks back at you then, who is still standing across the street at the bottom of the parkâs hill, confusion and disbelief threatening to rip your brain apart as it tries to make sense of everything.
âThere you go princess, all the proof you need,â he says with a smirk; he accomplished exactly what he was hoping to- anything you had with Chan is ruined. Chan is clearly confused, and follows Jaeâs gaze straight to you, who he realizes just witnessed the entire exchange. His face changes in an instant when his eyes meet yours, blood draining from his face and eyes going wide.
Jae says something to him then, but he says it so low that you canât hear it, and Chanâs gaze remains fixed on you, as if Jae isnât even there anymore. âWell, Iâll leave you two to sort this out. And donât worry about the guy in the alley, heâs a good friend of mine so Iâll get him home,â he says in a smug tone, clearly happy with the situation heâs created.Â
âFuck you Jae,â you bite as you shove past him, rushing up to Chan who has begun to hurriedly step away from the scene. You hear Jae laugh behind you, but you ignore it, fixed on your goal. You need to talk to Chan. âChan, please wait!â you call to him, doing your best to keep up with him despite how much faster he is than you.
You know what happened just now is wrong, that whatever is going on with him is bad, but you need to hear him tell you why heâs doing it, you need to know whatâs going through his head. âChan-â youâre about to plead again but he stops, allowing you to catch up with him.
He slowly turns to you, hesitant to meet your gaze even as you look up at him. Fuck, he felt so stupid. How could he believe you'd never find out about his secret life? How could he believe that one day you'd be with him happily?
He was so incredibly naive, and he hated it, hated how he had tricked himself into believing he could have normalcy and happiness with someone else. Who was he kidding? There was no way he'd ever be allowed to live a life like that.Â
â..I need to call Changbin, and then Iâll take you home,â he says lowly as he takes his phone out of his pocket, and you watch as he puts some distance between you, not trying to get away from you but just far enough to have as private of a conversation with Changbin as he can.
âHey hyung, whatâs up?â Changbinâs voice comes through jovially on the other end, but he can tell immediately something is wrong when all he hears is a shaky exhale as Chan tries to find the words. âHyung, whatâs wrong?â A million possibilities race through Changbinâs mind; he knows what Chan does for extra cash, and he knows the dangers that can come from it.
Heâs trying not to assume the worst, but fuck, whatever happened must be bad if Chan is choked up on the other end. âIâm gonna be late coming home tonight. I, uh.. I need to take Y/N home. Sheâs with me,â Chan says and Changbin is quiet for a moment as he processes the information he was given. âI thought you had a job tonight, though. Are you saying..?â
âYeah, she saw me,â Chan interjects, not even needing to let Changbin finish his question. âFuck, okay, just.. Take your time, alright? Donât rush to come home, weâre fine. Iâll let the others know you'll be out a while, just take care of Y/N.â
âYeah, I will.. Thanks, Iâll see you later,â Chan mutters into the phone before he hangs up, stuffing it back into his pocket and taking another shaky breath before he turns back to you. âChan-â you start when you see him walking back over to you, but he quickly cuts you off.
âLetâs get you home, I didnât park my car too far from here,â he says tersely, walking briskly towards the end of the street. You frown, but decide not to dwell on it too much; you canât imagine what he must be feeling right now, and the last thing you want to do is make the situation even worse than it already is.Â
You follow him swiftly, trying not to be concerned about the silence between you. It doesnât take long for you to see his car, parked in a nearby empty parking lot, the only car in sight. Chan doesnât drive much, his car basically reserved strictly for work and emergencies, so youâve only been in it a handful of times.
You wonder now though if this is the reason he only uses it when he has toâ do police know his license plate? You donât know if youâre ready to find out the answer to that question.Â
When you reach his car, he unlocks it wordlessly, and you both enter quietly, neither of you uttering a single thing even as he starts the engine and pulls onto the street. You want to try talking to him again but you aren't sure if you should even try yet; he's very clearly upset but if he's not ready to talk about it yet then there's nothing you can do.Â
Truthfully, Chan desperately wants to say something, hating the silence he was subjecting you to, but found himself at a loss for words and stuck in his own head. Jae's words before he walked away rang in his mind over and over again. "If you think a good girl like her can fall in love with trash like you, you're pathetic." And it was true, he was pathetic.
It was pathetic to pretend he could have a better life than this. Pathetic to think you would always be with him. Pathetic to think anything about him was worthy of love. What kind of happy life was he hoping for when this is what his life was truly like?
He knew there was no easy way out of this kind of shit once you entered it, but at the time he really had no choice. He tried everything else possible and there was nothing left; and even with how dangerous he knew it could be he was resolved to see it through because when he began he was just a kid in desperate need of cash at any cost. Â
He wishes things could be different now. He didn't want you to ever see this side of his life, to see the kinds of things he had to do to afford all of the things a person needs to survive. And while the rational part of Chan's brain was telling him there was no way you'd just walk away or hate him, it was overpowered by the wave of self loathing washing over him.Â
Because even if you didn't hate him after this, could you love him? Could you even still look at him the same way you could just last week, when you gave him that bright smile you always did. Would you still want to confide in him? To rely on him? To let him rely on you? He doesnât know if you realized it, but Chan has come to rely on you a lot.Â
Not in the overt ways like asking for help or opening up about his deepest thoughts, which he only did on occasion, but in the normalcy you offered him. In your presence, Chan felt like the life he wanted was attainable, like he could leave all the bad behind him and have something good.
You were always there to distract him from the life he led privately, to give him a sense of peace. He could be comfortable around you, and allow himself to relax. He could be carefree and live in the moment instead of being stressed about what the future held for him. He could forget about all his regrets just from seeing you smiling up at him.
Late at night when insomnia was gripping him, he would look over your messages fondly and wonder what it would be like to share a bed one day. For you to be next to him on his worst nights and help lull him into a peaceful sleep that he wasn't normally rewarded. To kiss you awake and bask in how beautiful youâd be naked with the morning sun glowing around you.Â
To Chan, any chance of that future with you was taken away the moment you saw the ugly truth of his life. Even if by some miracle you decided you still wanted to be around him, he knew it wouldn't be the same. There was no way your view of him wouldn't be tainted after this.
You'd become strained, being pulled away from each other little by little until nothing was left of the friendship you once held, or of the feelings he'd hoped to admit to you when he was able to leave behind the things that bound him. He should just leave your life now, before things get even worse; the pain he'd have to endure if he held on now would become unbearable.
You'd distance yourself from him, you'd meet a good guy who actually deserves you and fall in love, you'd forget all about him.. And that's how it should be. You deserved better than him; he knew he had nothing of worth to offer you.Â
And he was sure in response you'd bring up how he was there for you and supported you, but anyone could do that. That was the bare minimum of a relationship. What did he have to offer you other than support? There was nothing he could think of that felt good enough or like he was worthy of anyone's time, much less yours.
It was better to get the heartbreak over with now.. it would hurt, but much less so than if he prolonged the process. He needed to just rip the bandaid off now and get it over with for both your sakes. He couldn't delay the inevitable.
You felt stiff, the silence deafening as he drove you to your dorm. You couldn't tell what Chan was feeling anymore, his face completely void of anything, as if he turned his emotions off entirely. You didn't know what to do; he cut you off when you tried to speak to him earlier, and now it seemed like anything you said now wouldn't reach him. It was as if he was running on autopilot, like he wasn't truly there with you anymore.Â
It didn't take all that long to reach your street given that you were traveling by car, and you felt dread welling in your gut. You wanted to talk to him, to tell him you know he must have his reasons, that you understand that life is cruel and he's probably just doing what he has to, to tell him you understand why he didn't tell you but that you want to hear him out and be there for him regardless. You were approaching your dorm now, and you turned to look at him once again.Â
He was so close but felt so far away, his face remaining devoid of emotion. His gaze didn't meet yours, instead he stared straight ahead at the street even after he parked, as if purposely avoiding your eyes. "Chan.." you start again, hoping he'll finally respond to you. You see him swallow and his hands tense up, clutching the steering wheel tighter now.Â
His lower lip begins to tremble, but he tells himself he can't give in. This is what is best for you, he's sure of it. Just rip the bandaid off now, it'll be better that way. He can't make your life worse if he steps away now. He can't give himself false hope if he lets you go now. "Chan, Iâ" "Just go inside," he cuts you off, the pain evident in his voice despite how hard he's trying to mask it.Â
"But Iâ" "Don't. Please don't. Just go." Tears well in your eyes, but you obliged, feeling like now isn't the time to push him on anything. Chan doesn't watch as you exit the car, nor does he acknowledge the way you look back at him one last time before you enter your dorm.
It's better this way. It's better this way. It's better this way. He lowers his head to the steering wheel, resting his forehead against his shaking hands. And for the first time in years, he really cries, knowing that you'll never look at him the same again.Â
You woke up the next morning with the hopes that Chan was ready to talk to you. You texted him when you were in bed last night, telling him that you care about him and that you just want to talk to him, but he left you with no response.
You reasoned with yourself that heâd need more time; Jaehyung unveiling Chanâs deepest secret to you must have shaken him far more than you can imagine, and it makes sense that heâd need time to process.Â
Chan led an undeniably hard life, you knew that well at this point; he lost his parents young, his adoptive family were terrible to him, and he dropped out and left them behind to try to make it on his own. He never shared any details about the things he had to do as a child to get by, just leaving it at simple statements that offered no further context.
And you werenât deluded into expecting anything from him; regardless of details he did or didnât share, you knew he had been through a lot and you werenât going to ask anything of him that he wasnât prepared to offer up himself.Â
You figured that one day, when Chan had grown comfortable enough and was assured that you were a safe person to share the details of his life with, heâd break down his barriers on his own. All you had to do was be there for him, be consistent with your words and actions, and offer him a safe space to be his authentic self; whatever that self may be.Â
And while this wasnât the outcome you had expected, you hoped that all your efforts up until now had shown him that you were someone he could trust. You werenât going to judge him, you werenât going to abandon him, your opinion of him hadnât changed with the truth. And you told him as much through messages, hoping that when he read them that heâd believe your words.
When he didnât respond you were saddened, but it had only been a few hours since everything took place so you didnât fault him. You were sure he just needed time, and you didnât want to put any further pressure on him when he was clearly upset, so instead you just offered kind words to assure him everything was okay.Â
However, as the days passed on, you began to lose hope that heâd ever respond. You did your best to stop the sadness encroaching in your heart, telling yourself that there could be a ton of reasons he isnât speaking to you right now. You shouldnât jump to conclusions, there was surely a reasonable explanation.
His life didnât revolve around you after all, and a small break in communication shouldnât linger over you like this. You continued to comfort yourself with rational explanations as you went about your days, hoping with all your heart that you werenât just deluding yourself.
Felix, who saw you most days due to your routine of coming into the cafe he worked at, could see the toll it was taking on you to have Chan not talk to you. He didnât even know what exactly happened; Changbin said the two of you had a tiff, but that it should resolve itself after a bit since the two of you cared so much about each other.
But as time went on, with Chan so distant and holed up in his room unless he was working, he wasnât so sure that whatever went on between you was something minor. And then when you stopped in one morning, you confirmed what Felix already feared; that Chanâs isolation didnât extend to just them, but to you as well.
He wasnât replying to any of your texts, and that made Felixâs concern for the two of you grow tenfold. So he talked about it with the others in the house, and the 3 of them agreed that you should come over to try and make whatever happened right. And besides, all of you were friends, so it only made sense to facilitate a resolution between you.Â
They ask you over on a friendly pretense; itâs been a while since you all hung out together, and some fun seemed like it was much needed. You were nervous given the state of your friendship with Chan, but ultimately agreed because you really did miss them as well.
Changbin was the one to answer the door when you arrived at their house, smiling and easing your anxiety by making casual conversation with you. Hyunjin and Felix smiled as well when they saw you, greeting you warmly and offering you hugs before you sat down on the couch.Â
Hyunjin sat next to you, while Changbin and Felix sat on the chairs nearby. âIs Chan here?â you asked, nervously fiddling with your fingers as you glanced toward the stairs. âNot yet, but he will be soon! While we wait, we should figure out dinner. Anything you want?â Felix suggests and you smile as you nod, feeling comforted by the fact that you have such good friends.Â
Chan walks into the house not much later, freezing up once further inside and seeing you sitting there with his brothers. âHey hyung, weâre just ordering some food before we have a movie night! You should join us,â Felix smiles, hoping that once Chan sees you all together, he can put aside whatever made him so upset and can go back to how things were before.Â
Your heart breaks when you look at him, noticing that his dark circles are worse than before, hurt by the knowledge that he mustâve lost even more sleep than he already does, and itâs all your fault. He avoids your gaze, looking instead at his brothers; he knew this was bound to happen, you became friends with them just as much as him, after all.
And while Changbin knew the real reason behind Chanâs distance from you, the other 2 didnât, so of course theyâd invite you over to the house and try to rebuild the bridge that heâd burnt. But he couldnât take it; the way all of you stared at him, expecting something from him.
You swallow, trying your best not to cry as you look at him, waiting for him to say something to ease all the sadness and anxiety within you. â..No, thanks,â he mutters, going quickly up the stairs and straight to his room, the sound of his door closing clearly heard once heâs reached it. Dejection settles in your gut, your heart shattering into more pieces than you could possibly count.Â
Changbin, who is sitting directly across from you, is the first to see your crestfallen expression, and he tries to offer you words of consolation, but you can barely even hear them. You stare down at your lap, trying to blink away the tears that welled in your eyes. Would he never speak to you again? Did you irreparably damage his trust in you? Why wouldnât he say anything to you?
He was the first person in your life to ever see what Jae was doing to you and help, and he brought with him the kindest people you had ever known. He supported you through your tears, he protected you from the people who wanted to hurt you most.
He listened to you as you talked about your life's worries, even when it was something silly like not wanting to do the night's homework. Chan became a constant in your life, truly living up to his promise to be there for you during any and everything, both good and bad. And now that same person was pulling away from you for reasons you couldnât understand.Â
The tears begin pouring before you can even try to stop them, falling to your lap and darkening the fabric of your pants where they fall. Hyunjin notices right away, and pulls you into a hug, trying his best to comfort you by assuring you that nothing happening was your fault.
âIt is my fault,â you choke out between sobs, burying your face in Hyunjinâs shoulder as sobs escape you. Felix quickly moves in next to you as well, rubbing your back and offering just as much kindness as his brother.Â
Changbinâs expression turns into a grimace as he listens to you sniffle and sob, how you blame yourself for everything that was happening despite his brotherâs best efforts to calm your aching heart. What the fuck is Chan doing?Â
Felix watches him stand, a look of concern painted on his features; nothing good happens when Changbin is angry. âIâll be back,â he says with irritability clear in his voice, stepping away from the chair and to the stairs.Â
He reaches Chanâs bedroom door in a matter of seconds, trying the door knob without hesitation and is pleasantly surprised to find it unlocked. Good, so he didnât have to pound at the door and make him come out then. He opens it swiftly, met with the sight of Chan simply sitting on his bed, doing not much of anything.
Chan frowns as he turns to his now open door, but isnât all that surprised at this turn of events. He knew one of them would confront him eventually, and Changbin wasnât one to hold his tongue if something was on his mind. It was only a matter of time before Chan got what he was anticipating.
âWhat the fuck are you doing?â Changbin questions, wasting no time at getting straight to the point. Chan expected that Changbin wouldnât waste any time dancing around the subject, but he still wasnât prepared to unearth the extent of his self loathing.
Was he really going to admit how pathetic he felt out loud? Admit to how much he hated himself? Admit to how he felt unworthy of anyoneâs time? The silence only served to spur on Changbinâs annoyance, and he crosses his arms as he steps closer to Chan. âAre you really not going to say anything?âÂ
Chan looks up at Changbin from his seat, meeting his accusatory gaze. âItâs better this way.â he says and Changbin scoffs in response, clearly finding his answer unsatisfactory. âOh yeah? Y/N crying her eyes out because you refuse to acknowledge her is better?â
Chanâs heart squeezes in his chest at hearing that youâre crying, but he still knew it was for the best. After the initial pain sheâll move on and forget about me like she should. She shouldnât want someone like me. She shouldnât support someone like me. I have nothing. I am nothing.Â
âYeah, itâs better.â Chan manages to force the words out. âWhat about what you promised her? Are you going to sit around and do nothing if Jae targets her again?â Changbinâs voice raises, not quite a yell but still louder than his previous speaking tone.
âShe still has you and the others.â Chan frowns as he answers. Itâs not like he was leaving you completely alone and defenseless; his friends were your friends too now, and he knew they wouldnât let anything happen to you.Â
âWeâre not the ones she wants,â Changbin nearly shouts, and Chan tenses at this, the statement clearly striking a chord in him. âThatâs the whole problem! I shouldnât be the one she wants!â Chan shouts suddenly as he stands from his bed now, seemingly unable to control the sudden outburst.
He freezes after realizing he just said what he was thinking out loud for Changbin to hear; now he knows how pathetic and cowardly he truly is, and there would be no taking it back. Changbinâs brows furrow in bewilderment as he stares at Chan.
He understood that what Chan did to make money has risks, and he understood why he wouldnât want you to be a part of that. What he couldnât understand was why Chan was shutting you out now that you knew about it. Why was he needlessly subjecting you to pain when, in his opinion, you could simply talk it out?Â
From Changbinâs perspective, everything would be okay. You clearly didnât think negatively of him after the reveal, you were still seeking him out and wanting to be near him regardless of what youâd found out about him. And even if you did harbor some ill feeling about it that Changbin couldnât notice, you were at least trying.Â
You werenât going to let something you cared about go over a single event, unlike Chan, who was acting like a fucking coward right now. He was throwing everything away, and for what? He just couldnât wrap his head around it.
âYouâre being a fucking idiot,â Changbin scowls. âYou just donât understand,â Chan counters and Changbin scoffs at the statement. âThen make me understand. What am I not getting here? Iâd love to know.â Changbin challenged him, words dripping with frustration.Â
You donât understand that sheâs too good for trash like me. What is there to love about me? What can I offer her that couldnât be given by someone else? What kind of life can we live together with the things I've done? Sheâs smart, ambitious, beautiful..
She can strive for better life and a better person. Someone with high aspirations. Someone who has a better education. Someone who didnât lead a dangerous life and could put her in danger just by association. Â
But instead of saying all that he just averts his gaze, stepping down from Changbinâs challenge without a word. âFine then, you can have fun with your pity party by yourself, cause Iâm not staying to watch it,â Changbin bites as he swiftly turns his back to Chan, preparing to leave his room.
âYou may be willing to treat a promise like itâs nothing, but donât expect the rest of us to be okay with it.â He leaves as soon as heâs finished, slamming Chanâs door behind him as he goes.
Right. This is what he deserves. To have nothing and no one, just like before. Because why should he have anything good after what heâs done? He wanted to be the good person you saw him as, but he just isnât.
Heâs the worst kind of hypocrite, his virtue circumstantial and fleeting. The good things he did for the people he cared about didnât cancel out all the bad that came before it, forever staining him no matter how many layers he scrubbed.Â
He tried to comfort himself by saying he did it because he had to, because he had no other choice and couldnât afford to live otherwise, but did it matter? Could he say he lived a life his parents would be proud of? No, but you made him want to try.
And he was trying, so, so hard; to leave all that bad shit behind, to be someone worth caring about, to be better. But there are some things that never change, some things that canât be left behind or escaped from no matter what you do, and he supposes this is just another reminder of that lesson.Â
The weeks that followed Chanâs refusal to see you were easily the most painful of your life. Youâd never experienced a heartbreak like this before, any pain you thought you felt before paling in comparison to the utter anguish you felt from the loss of Chan in your life.
At least before, when you had become distant and separated from friends, you still had contact; you could message each other freely, you could meet up during school breaks or even weekends if time permitted, you still had your bond despite being in different places. But with Chan, it felt like he burnt every bridge he ever had with you.Â
You gave up trying to talk to him all together, letting the amount of messages youâd send in a day fizzle more and more, until they inevitably reached zero. In your daily life, you still had the others, but it didnât feel the same; you felt like an intruder now, like you were encroaching on their space.
You felt like you would just cause strife by being there, so eventually you stopped accepting invitations to hang out with them. Even when you saw them away from the house, you couldnât meet their smiles the way you once had, because all it did was deepen the ache in your heart.
You wanted to appreciate it, to thank them for trying to keep your friendship alive, but every time it just served as a reminder that Chan wouldn't be there for you anymore. You also felt at fault for causing a rift between them.
Though you stopped staying around the group pretty soon after Chan made it clear he wanted nothing to do with you, you could tell things werenât the same between them anymore. Changbin especially always seemed to be upset with him, calling him an idiot or a coward, making his distaste for what happened well known.
Hyunjin would continue to assure you that nothing was your fault, that Chan just had complicated feelings to work through, but despite his words, you couldnât stop yourself from feeling at fault regardless. If Chan had never helped you in the first place that day he saw Jae on you, their friendship wouldnât be in this state.
If you were a stronger person back then, someone who could handle things by herself, then he wouldnât have had to step in. And now even Felix makes an effort to comfort you all the time, going as far as to give you an extra cookie and discounting your coffee whenever youâre in his cafe.
They always showed you just how kind they were, compassionate beyond words and so patient (well, maybe except Changbin, who definitely was not patient.)Â Truly, you admired them, and Chan above all, who they credited for bringing them together and making them who they are in the first place.
But now that same person who you had quickly grown to admire so much was avoiding you on all fronts, leaving you with nothing else to do but move on or wait for him to come to terms with whatever he was struggling with.
And truthfully you didnât want to move on, but waiting wasnât becoming any easier. Despite the fact that he was within reach, there was nothing you could do. Every glimpse you caught of him or reminder of his absence from his friends left your heart aching in your chest.Â
Before you realize it, your last class of the day has ended, and you sigh as you look down at your nonexistent notes. You found it difficult lately to focus on your work with your mind cycling through all its thoughts about Chan.
You used to find an escape in your school work; even if everything was crashing around you, you could pour your energy into your work, and find some satisfaction with the good grades you got in exchange for your efforts. But now even that was difficult for you, and you sighed as you knew youâd have to play catch up in your spare time if you wanted to maintain your grades.Â
It was the first time in your life youâd ever felt so inadequate; even though it was merely a stress induced performance loss, it still tanked the confidence you had in your ability to succeed, which was the last thing you needed to add to your growing list of problems.
Your only saving grace at this point was that Changbin agreed to help you out, and that your professors were gracious enough to let you re-do assignments or get in some extra credit (which they only did because of the good track record you had before your personal life tanked.)Â
Truthfully, you felt terrible requesting Changbinâs help to catch back up in your classes, but he didnât seem to mind in the slightest. He thankfully agreed to study away from the house so you wouldnât risk seeing Chan, and having your heart shatter again after having just managed to start picking up the pieces.
You text him now that your class has ended to make sure the study session is still on, and with his confirmation, you decide itâd be a good idea to head back to your room and prepare to meet up with him. It takes you no more than 15 minutes to get back to the dorms from where your last class was, and you spend a decent amount of time cramming your bag full of all the textbooks and supplementary materials youâll need for the evening.
The plan was to study together at Sunshine Cafe, where the two of you could sprawl your belongings out on one of the coffee tables towards the back and sit on the comfort of the couch, while Felix would provide you with snacks and drinks to get you through the brain overload youâd certainly begin to feel.Â
Itâll still be some time before Changbin meets up with you given that your class schedules donât entirely align, but itâd still be good to head out and get some self study in until he gets there. And you could really use a change in secenery given that all you've done lately is go to you classes and then straight back to your dorm when they were over.
Once assured you have everything you need tucked in your bag, you sling it over your shoulders, letting your roommates know you might not be home till late before you head out. Walking to the cafe with all the extra weight on your back and shoulders certainly isnât pleasant, but youâll just have to deal with it if you want to make sure you do well on your catch-up assignments and upcoming exams.
And all in all, you actually feel pretty good right now; your friendship with Chan and emotional state might be in shambles, but at least youâre trying your best to pick yourself back up, and thatâs what matters most, right?Â
But all that positivity you feel is drained in an instant, when at the end of the street youâre on, you see Jae standing right in your path, looking at you with a smile once he notices youâre there. You curse, knowing you still have a few blocks to traverse before you reach your destination, and that anything could happen in the time it takes to get there.Â
He starts to approach you, smirking as he does- you donât know what he has planned when he reaches you, but you donât want to find out. Did he know that Chan stopped being there for you? Does he think that now that Chan is out of your life he can do whatever he wants? Or was it a cruel coincidence that he saw you here, a coincidence that he now plans on taking advantage of?Â
You still have the others, but itâs extremely possible that Jae either doesnât know, doesnât care, or is willing to risk it now that Chan being out of the picture takes away one of his biggest threats. Thereâs a slight hope that maybe he just wants to say something, rubbing salt in your wound by saying âI told you so,â and then heâd go on his way, but the look in his eyes tells you otherwise.
He has the same insidious look you saw every day when you were in school together, the twisted delight in his eyes that told you whatever you were in for wouldnât be pleasant. You quickly turn the other direction, ducking into a side street youâd passed moments prior, hoping that you can either use the side streets to make it to the cafe or make Jae lose sight of you.
If you were lucky, youâd make it there with no problems, and Felix could shelter you in the cafe until Jae left on his own or Changbin showed up and made him leave. You hear Jaeâs laugh behind you, and you panic as you notice that heâs catching up to you much quicker than youâd hoped, the weight of your countless textbooks and study materials definitely not doing you any favors.Â
Shit- what do you do now? It becomes increasingly apparent that Jae catching up to you is inevitable, and there is nowhere for you to turn to escape him. As quickly as you can, you grab your phone from out of your bag, hoping that Jae doesnât realize what youâre doing.
You needed to call Chan; you werenât even sure if heâd uphold the promise he made to you at this point, but what other hope did you have? Chan was the person who said heâd always answer if you called him, and you wanted to believe that. No, you had to believe that.Â
Not wasting any further time thinking about it, you send Chan a ping of your location before promptly pressing the call button on his name, haphazardly shoving your phone back in your bag and praying that Jae doesnât notice as thing when he reaches you.Â
Chan frowned as he sat on his couch, once again thinking about you despite his best efforts to get you off his mind. Despite how much he knew it was best to detach himself from you, he still found himself unable to do so easily.
Maybe it was his underlying selfishness that didnât want to let you go, or that his feelings for you had just grown far too much to be quashed, but he couldnât help but continue to worry about you every day. He felt stupid being so upset about a decision he made, that he truly felt was the right thing to do, but the right decisions are never the easy ones, or so the saying goes.Â
But still, the gnawing feeling continued to eat away at him day after day. âYouâre seeing Y/N today right?â he couldnât help himself from asking Changbin before he left for the day, and he rolled his eyes, giving Chan an incredulous look.
âSo you care all of a sudden, huh? Heard me talking about it with Felix? Yeah, weâre meeting up when my classes are over. But donât worry,â Changbin says with a mildly sarcastic tone before he continues, âIâll do a good job of looking after her since you wonât.âÂ
Chan frowned at Changbinâs tone, but he knows it isnât entirely undeserved given the circumstances. Youâre their friend too after all, and he wouldnât talk kindly to this either if the roles were reversed and it was someone else doing this to you.
âBinnie-hyung is still giving you a hard time, I see,â Hyunjin said as he stepped in from the kitchen, sitting next to Chan with his breakfast in hand. Chan just sighed in response, closing his eyes and letting his head hit the back of the couch.Â
Was he really doing the right thing or was he just deluding himself into thinking so? Even putting aside the fact that he hasnât loved himself a day in his life, isn't it just objectively true that you should want nothing to do with him? He knows you care about him, but itâs not exactly uncommon for good people to put their love in the wrong places, and Chan is definitely one of those wrong places.
âItâs not too late to make up with Y/N if you want to, you know,â Hyunjin spoke carefully, hoping that at the very least Chan would openly admit and talk about what went so wrong instead of keeping everything so bottled up inside.Â
Time passed, and for a moment Hyunjin thought Chan wouldn't say anything at all, before he suddenly spoke up. âI.. donât know about that. Iâm not sure if I even want her to forgive me.â
âWhy not?â Hyunjin asked, taken aback by the admission. Chan sighed again, self-doubt and anxiety making their presence obvious as they always did when he was dealing with complicated emotions. Truth be told, there was a lot of lingering doubt about his reaction towards you that Chan was scared to confront.Â
Should he stop being so stubborn and talk to you or should he be assured in his decision and maintain his distance? He heard multiple times that he was an idiot for detaching himself in the first place (mostly from Changbin, who was the most outspoken with this thoughts), and though he felt like it was the right decision at the time given all his faults and self-doubt, he couldnât fight the way he missed being around you every day.
He knew how much it would hurt to separate himself from you, but itâs what felt right at the time given the tirade of self-hatred that told him he had to. He knew the guys didn't agree, and he knew it hurt you just as much as it hurt him, but how was he supposed to explain to everyone how much he hated himself?
How much he loved you but knew he would just hold you back? You deserved better than to fall in love with a criminal for hire with no future ambitions. You deserved better than someone who was just coasting through life until the day no one needed him anymore and left him behind.
Not to mention that the only ones who knew the full extent of what he did in secrecy were Changbin, Minho, and now you. And he would've been okay with anyone else finding out the depths of terrible deeds, anyone of the other people he cared about but you. Just not you, anyone but you.
He used to not think at all about what it would be like to fall in love with someone; he assumed he could just figure it all out when the day came, even if it was years down the line. His mental health was in the gutter and life was hard, but when isnât it? Arenât most people unhappy?
Besides, he still had his friends, and that was good enough for him. And he didnât want it to sound like he was never happy, or always miserable, but it wasn't until he spent more and more time with you that he realized how much he yearned for a deeper connection with someone.
Sure, being with his brothers made him happy, and the time he spent with them was valuable and irreplaceable to him, but what would happen in the future when they had their own lives? He barely sees half of them anymore, and soon the other half will move on too, following their dreams, meeting more and more new people, making new friends and building families.
And what would Chan have at the end of it all? Nothing, he had come to realize. He would have absolutely nothing.Â
No goals, no ambitions, and nothing to offer other than the bare minimum. And he knew you well enough now to know you would say that it's enough, but he just couldn't agree; to Chan, it was nowhere near enough for you, enough for anyone.
Becoming your friend opened his eyes to how many mistakes heâd been making, made him confront the reality that feelings and wants you bury deep down will always resurface, and he knew he couldnât avoid all the things heâd been trying to anymore.Â
A lifetimeâs worth of sadness, more regrets than he could count on his fingers, and a longing for connection with someone who would love him as he was, faults and all, and help him become better. He had that chance with you, and he blew it.
And then, instead of trying to make it right, he retreated back into the very shell he tried so hard to break out of. Instead of putting out the fire that had grown, he watched it burn, telling himself it was better to let everything become ash than risk the burns he would suffer from trying to salvage what little he had.Â
In the end, itâs all excuses. He didnât want to face the fact that he was scared, or admit how little his self-worth he really has. So he fled the scene, and when he was called out, his arguments rang hollow, because even Chan himself knew how little his words could actually be believed.
It was true that Chan didnât believe he deserved anything good, but maybe it was okay to let people care about him regardless. Maybe he needed them to, so that he could finally allow himself to be happy.Â
And so he talked to Hyunjin; he told him everything, about what he did, how he felt then and how he feels now, and about how much it hurts to be away from you when heâs so fucking obviously in love with you but feels too worthless to be around you. It was a lot of information to take in, but Hyunjin was truly happy he was finally doing something that was long overdue.
Chan had spent so much of his life avoiding his feelings and keeping his thoughts to himself, that Hyunjin expected him to dance around it, but he hadnât. It was proof of the positive effect you had on him, evidence that Chan needed you even more than you thought you needed him.Â
Chan didnât cry, though he certainly felt like he would at times, and Hyunjin truly was proud of him. Sure, he learned some things about Chan that definitely came as a shock, but he had hope that once Chan was done processing all his complicated feelings and getting himself out of the bad shit he no longer wanted to associate with, the two of you could go back to the friendship you once had.Â
Heâd left Chan alone after that, citing that he had commissions to work on, though really he just thought it would do Chan some good to have some time to himself. He needed to let his thoughts and feelings settle, and hopefully get another step closer to reconnecting with you.
Chan himself was still on the couch, thinking a lot about what he should do going forward. Why did everything always have to be so complicated? Heâs there for a while, cycling between various thoughts related to you and his feelings, when his phone suddenly buzzes from within his pocket.
He pulls it out, immediately being met with a message from you, the first you've sent in weeks. But itâs⌠your location? Youâve never sent him it before, and the fact that you did so without any other context spreads worry through him.
And before he can even react to receiving the message, a call comes through, caller ID clearly displaying your name. Out of all the time you'd known him, this was the first time you were actually calling him. He swallows before he answers, nervous as all hell but knowing he shouldnât hesitate if you need help.Â
âHello..?â Chan answers carefully, unsure if he should speak at full volume until he knows what kind of situation youâre in. His hand immediately clenches around his phone when he hears Jaeâs voice clearly taunting you on the other end; itâs muffled, your phoneâs speaker clearly blocked by something, but the voice Chan hears is unmistakable.
He curses under his breath as he moves the phone from his face to mute himself, not wanting to accidentally make Jae aware that you managed to call him. Chan refused to risk Jae finding out and ending the call before he can find out what exactly heâs doing to you.Â
"Aww, crying already?" he hears Jae's voice patronizing you. Chan scowls, fully aware that thereâs no time to waste. He gets his shoes on as quickly as possible, sprinting out of his front door and rushing down the street in a matter of seconds.
The location you sent him is on a side street not all too far away from the house, and he hopes that Jae hasnât dragged you too far away from the spot you sent him. The city is huge when youâre in the heart of it after all, and there would be more possibilities than Chan can count as to where you would be if youâre no longer there.Â
He runs as fast as his feet can possibly carry him, not wanting to waste even a single second in getting to you, or give Jae the opportunity to do something terrible. He holds the phone to his ear even as he runs, desperate for a sign that youâre doing okay despite whatever situation youâve been put in.
âChan taking you away from me really pissed me off. I like you a lot, you know,â Jaeâs voice comes through the phone again, and his tone makes Chan grit his teeth. He wants to rain absolute hell on Jae, make him regret ever laying a single hand on you, but he knows he likely wonât get that chance.
Making sure youâre okay and getting you away is his priority, and as much as he wants to obliterate Jae, it will have to wait until after he takes care of you. No matter what Jae deserves, no matter how much he hates him, you are his one and only priority right now, and he will protect you.Â
You stare up at the bright blue sky, eyes fixed on the fluffy, passing clouds above you, and you donât react. Youâre limp against the cold, unforgiving wall youâve been pressed against, completely numb, blocking out everything around you.
You hear Jaeâs voice but his words donât register, his hand on your body but your skin no longer reacts to what it feels. Your vision has blurred from tears in your eyes that havenât fallen, but you continue to stare upward, making no effort to blink them away.Â
You had no words to describe the way you felt; it was a devastation so deep that it turned into nothingness, a void. You knew Chan wasnât coming to help you and you shouldnât have hoped for it.
All you did was set yourself up for the worst heartbreak of all, an incomparable feeling of betrayal and hopelessness, the solidification that this was your reality now, and you just had to face it instead of holding onto hope that it would be different.Â
But despite it all, you canât really blame Chan for not being here. You knew you were weak, and you knew you were a target, but that isnât Chanâs fault or responsibility. It must be a burden to worry about you all the time, or annoying that you donât stand up for yourself nearly as much as you should.
Your few moments of strength get reduced to nothing in mere seconds, and you always revert back to the scared person youâve always been. And no matter how foolish it is to hope for, all you can think about is how you wish Chan was here.
You hoped heâd be here, hoped heâd reassure you. You wanted to feel his gentle embrace and hear his voice, knowing heâd console you with tender words and a soothing tone. And most of all, you really just missed him, missed him more than anything, so, so much.
The way he smiled at you, the way his expression changed when he was embarrassed or being teased, the way he cared for everyone and everything more than youâd ever think a person capable of. Though he certainly did bad things, his kindness towards you was radiant.
You didnât want to define him by what you saw, because you knew him beyond that. You knew how sweet he is, how caring he is, how much he wanted to help others. He understood the value in a helping hand and offered it freely to anyone who needed it without a second thought.
You couldnât find it within yourself to feel anything but compassion for him even with how alone you felt from his absence. Your glimpses into his life allowed you to see him for who he was beyond what his appearance would suggest. You knew there was more to him than you even learned, hidden parts of his past, his life, and his feelings that you hadnât yet uncovered.
So even when he distanced himself from you, you couldnât hate him. You knew there was a reason, knew there was something underneath that he was scared to share with you. Chan wasnât the type to leave someone behind nor break a promise, you refused to believe that he was.Â
You just wished he was here, wished that heâd share his thoughts and feelings with you. Wouldnât things turn out differently if he had? You wanted to support him as much as he supported you. You wanted to encourage him and cheer him on.
Even with Jaeâs words circling around you and his touch against your skin, your mind was consumed by Chan. At this point you felt you were crying more from his loss than from anything Jae was doing to you. He had just become a catalyst for your feelings to burst, his presence feeling almost nonexistent against the yearning you felt for Chan.Â
You loved him. Truly, and above all else. And you knew that no matter what, it wouldnât change. Chanâs presence in your life irrevocably changed you; he supported you when no one else had, and you loved his personality and his endearing smile.
You loved the contrast between his tough exterior and his sweet characteristics. He was simultaneously strong and gentle, both cold and warm, sunshine and rain wrapped into one person. And you loved him, for all that he was.
"Get your fucking hands off her!" You hear Chan's voice shout and you blink in confusion, allowing the tears that were stuck to fall. Is he really here? Or are you in so much pain that now your brain is tricking you, trying to comfort you with a lie? You donât know, but you welcome it all the same, because even if it is just a trick, itâs the best one youâll ever be given.Â
Your body barely registers the feeling of Jae's weight being shifted off of you, Chan's voice having a chokehold on your senses. Your gaze shifts from the sky to the right; you see Jae, who has evidently fallen backwards onto the floor, the left side of his face a stark red from what you assume was an impact.
Heâs clearly shocked, but the emotion quickly changes into one of pure hatred directed to the presence left of you. You swallow as you shift your gaze to the left, heart squeezing in your chest when you see Chan, more tears welling in your eyes. He's really here? He really came for you?
Chan's fists are clenched, gaze piercing into Jae with disgust and vitriol. He wants to fucking kill him if he's being honest, but he has to do his best to keep a level head for your sake. He has to get you out of here, keep you safe.
"You ever fucking touch her again, I promise you'll regret it," Chan spits at Jae, stepping closer to him and giving one more punch for good measure, assuring he'll stay down and not follow your exit. "Y/N, don't let go," Chan says as he turns to you, taking your hand in his.
The moment still feels surreal to you, but you do as he says, keeping your grip tight as he runs with you, leading you quickly away from Jae. You run for what feels like ages, but you surprisingly donât feel tired; must be adrenaline coursing through you, or maybe the emotions you feel right now are preventing you from noticing any sort of ache in your legs.Â
The next thing you know, youâre at his house, with him leading you up to the safety of his room. You collapse to his bed the minute youâre fully inside, trying to catch your breath after all the running as you still hold tightly to his hand.
âIâm just gonna close the door, okay? Iâm not leaving,â he says when he notices the way your hand clings to him when he tries to separate, not wanting to let him go. You hesitate, hand trembling as you hold onto his. Everything still feels unreal, like if you let go heâll vanish from your sight, and youâll wake up in the same place you were before, with none of this having happened.Â
You look at his face, taking in his soft but serious expression. You feel the warmth in his hand, see the care in his eyes, and you knowâ youâre okay now. You don't have to be scared anymore. So you eventually nod as you let go, watching as he closes the bedroom door before returning swiftly to your side.
He examines you carefully, scowling at the disheveled state of your clothes but overall relieved to see no injury. He steps away for just a moment to rifle through his drawers, pulling out a shirt and handing it carefully to you.Â
âHere, put this on,â he says, and it prompts you to look down at yourself for the first time. The buttons at the top of your blouse are almost entirely undone, with some buttons completely missing and leaving your bra partially exposed.
You frown at the realization that with the buttons missing you wonât be able to button up your blouse again and itâs effectively ruined, but youâre thankful that Chan is offering you something to wear in its place. He turns his back to you to let you change in peace, and he doesnât turn back around until youâve made it clear that youâre done.
âAre you okay..?â he asks softly now as he kneels in front you, eyes fixed straight on you. You meet his gaze, lip trembling as you look at him. You feel overwhelmed, confused, relieved.. Where do you even begin? You look down, swallowing the lump in your throat as more emotion threatens to spill out from your eyes.Â
"I'm sorry," he breaks the silence, and you look up, blinking away the tears in the corners of your eyes. "Iâ I should've been there for you. I shouldn't have let that happen to you.. I'm sorry," Chan tells you, voice shaky through his apology.
He feels so fucking guilty. He wished so badly he didn't let the voice in his head affect him, that he didn't self-destruct so badly and drag you down with him. "It's okay," you say, reaching your hand out to grab his, and Chan shakes his head, voice breaking as he talks to you.
"It's not okay, Iâ I broke my promise to you." "You didn't," you say with a small frown and Chan's brows furrow in response. "Yes I did, Iâ''
You shake your head, cutting him off with your own words, "Do you remember what you told me when we first became friends? When you put your number in my phone?"Â
Chan swallows as he thinks back to nearly a year ago, when he found you cornered and vulnerable, Jae tormenting you and expecting to get away with it. "I.. told you to call me," he says after a short moment.
"Call me next time, I'll answer. If you call, I'll hear it. I'll come running," you quote him, the words having engraved themselves in your memory. They were probably small to Chan but they meant so much to you. You'd never experienced such kindness before, such an earnest care for your wellbeing, and from someone that was basically a stranger to you.Â
That was your proof that he was a good person; someone who deserved kindness and appreciation just as much as anyone else. He was kind, caring, and selfless even to a fault. And you knew Chan didn't believe he was, didn't think anything he did was special but it was.
You want to repay all the care he's shown you, in any way you can. "That was your promise," you continue and Chan's breath hitches in his throat at your words, "I called and you came, just like you said you would, so.. You don't have to apologize. Not for that."
He curses, turning his face away from yours with a small chuckle of disbelief. "I should be the one comforting you right now," he says and you smile softly as you respond. "No matter what you might think, I'd never hate you. Never. And I forgive you." You squeeze his hand in reassurance, trying to convey the sincerity of your words.
"I.. don't think I deserve that," he whispers, swallowing as he tries to control the shakiness in his voice. You're forgiving him this easily? He hasn't earned that, doesnât deserve it.. You should be furious with him, you should hate him. So why don't you? "I can't think of anyone who deserves it more than you, Chan," You say and his lip trembles, eyes squeezing shut as he tries not to embarrass himself by crying in front of you.Â
Heâd grown a thick skin in his life, built his walls sturdy and highâ or at least he thought he had. But there you always are, tearing his barriers down so easily, prying open the confines of his heart with the simplest of words and actions. And that's the feeling of love and connection he'd been missing in his life, isn't it? The one heâd be yearning for despite all his doubts and concerns?Â
All he can think about when he looks at you is how much he hopes you'll always be with him, even if it's just from afar. He wants to protect you, wants to hold you close, wants to laugh with you on good days and support you during the bad.
Even if he never gets the courage to tell you just how much he truly loves you, he'd be happy just being near you. And thatâs why he owes it to you to be better, reaffirms his desire, his need, to be honest and open about everything.
âI should.. Be honest with you. About why I was avoiding you,â Chan says after a shaky exhale, and you nod, ready to hear him out. âI was.. Ashamed, when you saw me like that. I never wanted you to see it, you know? I wasâ I still am, trying to get out of it, and I hoped that when you did know about it, itâd be like.. A thing that happened in my past that youâd never have to worry about. So when you saw it, I just.. I freaked out. I didnât know what to do, and so I just..âÂ
Oh no. Heâs tearing up again, and the empathetic look in your eyes continues to chip at his walls. He almost can't take the way you look at him, the way you hold and squeeze his hand as he speaks, the way your eyes water with his, as if itâs just as emotional for you to experience as it is for him.
It probably is, to be fair; you cared a lot about him, cried a lot because of him, tried countless times to support him even when he was closed off, hesitant and scared to try. Heâs still struggling to believe he deserves to receive your compassion and understanding, but he wants to accept it regardless.
He wants to let you care about him, to let you console him, to let you be his comfort, his home. And heâd be that for you, heâd give you back all you gave and more, all to make sure you would never cry because of his actions ever again.Â
âI just-â Chan tries again, falling short as the words get stuck in his throat. Youâre patient though, giving him all the time he needs to collect his thoughts and put the words he wants to say together. âI just.. Everything felt like it was caving in on me."
"When it started I was just a kid desperate for money, you know? No one wants to pay a livable wage to a 16 year old, they think you donât need it, assume you still got your parents and a cushy bed to go home to. So when the offer came up for me to make some quick, good cash in exchange for a favor, I took it.â
âThe favors.. What Iâd do depended entirely on the person making the request, but they were never good. Usually it was something the person desperately wanted, but couldn't get their own hands dirty to get, and they look for someone to do it for them under the table. So I got mine dirty in their place, and got paid well doing it. And I truly fucking regret it,â Chan spills it all out for you- the woes of his life, his bad deeds and regrets, all for you to see and judge.Â
But you donât judge him; you never would, even if he deserved it. What he said is what you expectedâ that he wasnât given a real choice, his circumstances unfair and the world before him too cruel. It hurt your heart to know someone as kind and caring as Chan was forced to do things he hated for money, things that plagued his mind with guilt and tanked his already low self-esteem to new depths.
This wasnât a case of âashamed only because he got caughtâ; his shame and guilt was true, the resentment he felt for himself complexly interwoven with his human nature to survive at all costs. It was a dilemma that no one should have to face, but that he was forced to time and time again. To say it was unfair felt like an understatement, but it was all you had to describe what life had offered him.Â
And still, you admired him; you hear all the time how the circumstances of oneâs life changes them, how good people can only tolerate so much pain before it warps them into someone unrecognizable. But through it all, he was still someone full of compassion, of tenderness, who was doing his best to make amends with himself and make up for what heâs done.
It wasnât your place to tell anyone to forgive him, nor would you tell anyone affected by his actions that they should. But you hoped that one day Chan could be free of the shackles of that weighed him down, both physically and mentally.Â
The world doesnât exist in black and white; good people do bad things, make mistakes, and hurt others, often even without meaning to. What truly makes a person good isnât whether or not theyâve never hurt someone beforeâ itâs whether or not theyâre truly sorry.
No one can exist without making mistakes, without hurting feelings and having theirs hurt in return, the human experience is far too complex and not meant to be perfected. No one is perfect, but imperfection is what allows you to grow.Â
The things in your life that you regret, that make you feel embarrassed, ashamed, sorryâ they make you human. They make you someone worth loving, someone deserving of compassion and empathy.
To be human is to love and forgive, to make mistakes and pick yourself back up and try again to be better, to connect with others and build a life with them that makes you happy and proud to be where you are. And itâs what Chan deserves to have a chance at, just as much as anyone else in the world does.Â
âYou can cry if you need to. Iâm here for you, Channie,â you offer, holding your arms out for him to accept a hug if he wants one. Itâs a promise, really. A promise that youâll always be here for him, because heâs the person you love most.
âI might take you up on that,â he says as he accepts your hug, his tone the most light-hearted youâve heard all evening, but you can tell heâs grateful. He squeezes you close, and you can feel his body start to release all its built up stress as he relaxes against you.Â
He needed this; needed the reassurance that unconditional love is available to him and obtainable, that happiness was something he was allowed to have, that he wasnât an irredeemable person doomed to endlessly suffer.
âThereâs something else I should tell you,â he says after a few moments, voice soft and a bit timid, his arms still holding you firmly. You hum in acknowledgment, pulling back from his embrace just enough to look at him. âWhenever youâre ready,â you encourage him, and he smiles just a bit before taking a breath to steady himself.Â
âI love you. And I didnât want to tell you that until everything was behind me, because I thought you wouldnât return my feelings if you knew about it. If it was just a part of my past, and not something I was actively involved in anymore, then maybe you could, butâ I didnât think youâd ever love me otherwise, so.. Thatâs the other reason why I freaked out.. I thought I ruined any chance I had at being with you.â
Oh. Did you hear him right? He loves you? He wanted to be with you? Wants to be with you? Romantically?
âYou donât have to return my feelings, I just.. Wanted you to know, because it played a big part in why I acted like I did to you. You didnât deserve to be ignored just because I didnât know how to deal with my feelings, you know?â Chan elaborates, your silence making him increasingly nervous.
God, he hopes you respond soon, even if it's a rejection, because the silence is killing him. âYou didnât ruin your chances,â you finally say, a shy smile on your face that instantly fills Chan with relief. He smiles too, and you settle fully back into his embrace, your head against his chest as your arms hold him close.
You hear the thumping of his heart, the evidence that his feelings for you are indeed real- that he loves you. Maybe this happiness is more than Chan deserves, and maybe youâll change your mind about him someday, but for now.. Heâs happy, and thatâs all he could ever ask for.Â
Chan spent the rest of the evening glued to your side, the two of you only separating from each other if you had to. You canceled your study session with Changbin for the night as well; way too much happened today for you to be able to even remotely focus on school work. He understood completely though, and was more than relieved that you and Chan were talking again.Â
You had dinner together, all of you, and you finally started to feel like your fractured relationships could be pieced back together. There were still lingering questions, a litany of things to still discuss together, but now that you knew you could, there was a sense of calm you felt; like no matter what happened going forward, everything would be okay because you had each other, and neither of you would let that change again.Â
Even in a group, your eyes would always unconsciously find their way back to Chan, and heâd smile back at you. Not a big, toothy smile, but a small, soft oneâ a special one just for you. He loved you, and you felt it; and you knew without a doubt that this is where you belonged. In their group, among the kindest people youâd ever met, with Chan by your side.
When night settled in, he did everything possible to ensure you were comfortable, such as offering you another change of clothes if you wanted it, or to take you home if youâd prefer that. But honestly, you wanted to stay with Chan as long as possible, not just because of your desire to stay at his side, but because of how safe being with him always made you feel.
You always felt secure in his presence, like any problem you had just melted away when he was hugging you or holding your hand. And despite the good turn the day had taken, you could definitely still use his comfort. âWait,â you called to him when he was going to turn to leave, his plan the same as the other times you stayed the night; heâd be on the couch, while you took the comfort of his bed.
âDid I forget something you need?â Chan asked, quickly surveying the bed; you had plenty of pillows, and you werenât too in need of blankets given that it was approaching summer now, but he wouldnât put it outside the realm of possibility to forget something you needed.Â
âNo, itâs not that,â you say, and you can see the gears turning in his head, mild confusion mixed with concern appearing on his features. âWhatâs wrong then?â he asks carefully, stepping away from the door and back to you.
âI.. want you to stay. Here, with me,â you mutter, shyly looking down at your lap and his face flushes as he tries to blink away the initial shock. âLike.. until you fall asleep, or..?â
âN-No,â you look at him, a bit hesitant to meet his gaze due to your nervousness but doing it anyway, âlike.. Sleep with me..?â Fuck. He knows you donât mean it like that but what the hell, youâre gonna give him a heart attack.
âAre you sure? You wonât be uncomfortable?â Another careful step closer, watching you closely for any sign of hesitation, wanting to make 100% sure that you really want him next to you all night. You nod, scooting to make space for him so he knows you mean it.
He swallows before he crawls in next to you, doing his best to settle in comfortably despite the way his body tenses from laying so close to you. What makes it even worse is that instead of laying with your back facing him like he expected, youâre turned towards him, looking straight at him. Heâs never been this close to your face before, and he feels like his heart is going to erupt.Â
âDonât need Wolf Chan?â he asks after youâre settled, noting the fact that you donât have him in your arms as you normally did when you spent the night. âNot when I have you,â you reply, and thank God he turned off the lights before he got into bed with you, because you definitely wouldâve seen the blush on his face burn tenfold.
âChan..â you breathe out, your voice slightly hesitant and tense, and though the room is dark, his eyes have adjusted enough to see you looking at him nervously. âYeah..?â he asks softly, and carefully you reach out to him, your hand lingering on his arm.
âI want you to promise.. That youâll keep trying to get away from the people who have you do bad things, and that you wonât do them anymore once youâre out,â you say, eyes still nervous and desperate to find reassurance. Thatâs exactly what he planned to keep doing anyway, but hearing you say it just reaffirms his choiceâ heâll get out of it no matter what, for your sake.Â
âI promise. Youâll be the first to know too, I promise,â he affirms, and you finally smile, fully believing in him. âIâll make a promise too! That once everything is settled, Iâll officially be your girlfriend.â Chan chuckles at your statement, pulling you into a hug as he does.
âWouldnât have it any other way,â he tells you, smiling at you fondly as he pulls you in closer. âIf itâs okay.. Can I kiss you?â he asks softly, and you nod, heart racing in anticipation.
Your first kiss- soft and sweet, his touch light and gentle, your stomach erupting in butterflies. Again, again, and once more, both smiling when you pull back. Youâve never felt so warm, pure elation in your veins as he holds you close.
âI love you,â you tell him as you settle your head against his shoulder, closing your eyes and basking in the joy and comfort you feel. âLove you more,â he says, landing a soft kiss on the top of your head, âGoodnight, Y/N, sweet dreams.âÂ
Was it okay for Chan to be this happy? Was it okay to have the things he dreamed of? Regardless of the answer, he was thankful. There were few things in this world that Chan allowed himself to crave selfishly, you being the most primary desire of them all.
Did he deserve you? Maybe not now, but he would someday soonâ heâd make sure of that. Heâd keep his promises, make sure he became someone worth being around for, someone that you could be proud to say is the person you love.
6 months since the day Chan told you he loved you and made you his girlfriend. Well, maybe not officially one might argue, since he still had a myriad of promises to uphold before then, but as far as Chan is concerned, it counts!
And to the credit of his point, you still acted like a couple most of the time, all sweet touches and bashful glances whenever he was near you. Neither of you could help it, really; how do you resist in that scenario? All he ever wanted to do was shower you with affection any chance he got, and why would you deny the opportunity to experience it?Â
Chanâs duality also extended towards your romantic relationship, in ways that endlessly endeared and fascinated you. He adapted to the boyfriend role well all things considered, or maybe his kind hearted and compassionate nature made him naturally good at caring for you.
He was extremely open with his love for you, full of soft touches and charming words. That was always in private however; when around his friends he was much less.. Sauve, you could say. He was shy, simply put; his face and ears burning red whenever you kissed him for all to see, bashful giggles leaving his lips whenever you complimented him or told him you loved him so, so much.
You always loved seeing his cute dimples show up whenever he was happy, and knowing you were the person making it happen filled you with more joy than you could express in words. But the biggest display of his duality would always come when he felt the need to protect youâ all his shyness would melt away, his desire to keep you safe and close much stronger than anything else.
Whether it was holding your hand as you walked through crowds of people, directing you away from the edge of the sidewalk when you walked together, or kept an arm snuggly around you when belligerent, overconfident men approached you at a partyâ he was your protector above all else, and he made that clear to everyone.Â
He was perfect in every way, at least to you. Itâs not to say that he was suddenly without fault, and he certainly wasnât absolved of all the wrong heâd committed in his past, but his growth and earnest effort didnât deserve to go unrecognized.
He was the sweetest, kindest person youâd ever known, and every day he showed his resilience and determination to make a better name for himself. That alone made him perfect to you.Â
Chan worked hard to get away from what kept him connected to the dark underside of the city, and it didnât come without its sacrifices, but he did his best to make it work and come out of it all ready to wash his hands clean of the past.
He made substantially less money now, but it was a fair exchange when you consider that the money he made going forward was through honest means. He agreed to share the burden as well, to accept help and not take on so much responsibility all on his own.Â
He was used to taking the brunt of everything, shouldering it all for the sake of everyone else around him. He thought that's what made him useful, what made others want to be around himâ what use did he have as a person if he wasnât providing something for them? Chan was a pillar; one who didnât want to acknowledge that his foundation was inherently broken, and not built on solid enough ground.Â
Slowly but surely however, he began to see his worth beyond the material, and stopped seeing his friendships as ones that could easily be stripped away from him by superficial means. Itâs not that he thought the people in his life were shallow either, itâs just..
When your self-esteem is so low, and all youâve ever known is pain and sadness, where the people that were supposed to care for you were either gone or didnât give a shit, itâs hard to see yourself in the same lens that the people who love you do.
Itâs nearly impossible to shake doubt once it has its grip on you, hard to convince yourself people mean it when they say they care when youâve only ever experienced the opposite. You canât explain what itâs like to have a brain at war with itself, and he imagines that the only ones who would ever truly understand are the people like him, who have experienced it for themselves and truly know what it means to be lonely.Â
But he had come to realize that he wasnât as alone as he felt; he had countless good people in his life, and all he had to do was open the door and let them in. It wasnât easy to unlearn all the things Chan had told himself over the years, and there were still many days where he struggled with his self-worth and having compassion for himself, but the people he loved made it worth trying his hardest.Â
And you, the person Chan loved most of all, was the catalyst for the change he needed. You pushed him in the right direction, opened his eyes to all the feelings and wants he tried to push away and made him face them head on. He was endlessly grateful to you, and he wanted to show you just how much; which is why now, on your 6 month anniversary (which was actually more like 3, officially speaking), he wanted to do something special.Â
But what should he get you? What would be good enough? He knew youâd appreciate the sentiment of his gift more than the price tag of it, but he still felt stuck when considering what would be best for you. He could take you out on a date, but what he really wants is the chance to be alone with you. As much as he loves his brothers, and loves that youâre all friends and get along well, if they interrupt or crash his alone time with you one more time he might burst a blood vessel.Â
Theoretically he could do some research and find somewhere for the two of you to be one on one, but his career change didnât leave him with much of a travel fund (or a gift fund, for that matter.) He could always ask the guys to make themselves vacant for a night, or to just please let him have some alone time with his girlfriend, but God, he could already picture how theyâd tease him for asking. Or worse, ask him what his intentions are and make him embarrassed in the process.Â
In the end however, Chan swallowed his pride, and asked his brothers kindly but firmly to let him have the house to himself so he could spend his anniversary alone with you. He did get some teasing and embarrassing questions, but overall not as bad as what he anticipated, thankfully.
Did he want to have sex with you? Yes, obviously. Was that the reason he was doing this? Absolutely not. Thatâs not to say he wouldnât welcome it if it happened of course, but it was in no way his sole motivation.
He hadnât done that with you yet, and though he wanted to, he was in no way going to rush you into it. Sure, it drove him a little crazy every time you stayed the night and he had you pressed up against him, but he was a gentleman above all else. He had self control.
What he didnât know though, is that you were also being driven a little crazy by him. The first time he called you âbabyâ, your stomach did full on somersaults, and if he called you that before he kissed you? Your heart went absolutely crazy!
Then, the first time he removed his shirt to sleep you nearly had a heart attack. He was so toned, and well, you figured he was from how strong he appeared to be, but actually seeing it with your own eyes made your heart race unbelievably fast.
And then, one night when you were lying in his bed together, your back pressed against him as you watched a movie on his laptop, and he leaned forward to kiss you, but the kiss landed on your neckâ oh, it was over for you.Â
You bit your lip to stop yourself from making an embarrassing sound, face flushing and growing hot. And lately, you came to realize more and more how bad you wanted Chan more intimately. Every time his hand lingered on your waist, every time you felt his body pressed to yours when you hugged, every time you were laying together and he had his arm wrapped around youâ you wanted him.Â
But how do you go about admitting that? Youâd never done this sort of thing before, nor had you been faced with such a strong desire to be intimate with someone before being with Chan.
But now, that it was your 6-more-like-3 month anniversary, you thought maybe now might be the right time to talk about it. It might be difficult to do so without getting shy or embarrassed but you definitely wanted to, and to find out if he ever thought about you in the same way.
Much to Chanâs delight and relief, you didnât seem at all upset that his plans with you involved having a date at home. His gift to you was a cute, new wolf plush; and while it was certainly was no Wolf Chan, he hoped would comfort you when you werenât with him. You loved it, instantly hugging him and promising that youâd sleep with Wolf Chan Jr. (as you promptly named it) every night that you werenât with Chan.Â
He put on a movie that youâd once said was a favorite of yours but that he had never seen, and it warmed your heart that he remembered and wanted to watch it with you. He ordered your favorite take out meal, spent the entire evening cuddled close to you and sweetly reminding you how much he loved you.
When night settled in and you began to grow tired, you changed into your pajamas separately before you went to his room. And still, the question was weighing on youâ does he want you? Will you be able to tell him that you'd been giving having sex with him a lot of thought?
And then you walked into the room after finishing changing, and saw that he planned on only sleeping in some sweatpants, you internally lost your mind. No way would you be able to sleep if he was next to you looking that good and while your mind was plagued with less than innocent thoughts.
So when the lights were off, and you were laid next to him, you conjured all your bravery to speak your mind. âChan.. can I ask you something?â He sat up a bit upon hearing you, finding your eyes in the darkness to give you his full attention.
âOf course, what is it?â He asks and you swallow, taking a moment to steady your voice before you come right out with it. âDo you ever.. think about having sex with me?â Holy fuck. That is the last thing he was expecting to hear.
âW-What? I-Iâ wellââ he sputters nervously, his face growing hot within seconds. âI-I just.. I have so.. I thought Iâd ask..?â you mutter shyly, hoping you wonât be faced with a mortifying rejection.Â
Oh no. That admission makes his brain short circuit for a moment, mind reeling as he processes what youâve just said. Youâve thought about it? With him? You want to⌠with him?
âO-Of course I have, I just didnât know if you wanted to, a-and I didnât want you to feel pressured if I instigated so..â he trails off, hoping that he didnât unintentionally make you feel undesired by holding off on touching you more intimately.Â
Relief rushes through you, happy to be reminded what a gentleman your boyfriend is and to know that he wants you too. âI-In that case.. do you want to tonight?â you ask, and you feel him suck in a breath before he answers.
âIâ y-yeah, I want to,â he says, shy but honest as he seeks out your hand, âas long as youâre sure youâre ready.â
âIâm sure, I really want to,â you tell him, squeezing his hand and offering him a smile. Chan gets up from the bed to turn on some dim mood lighting, because he definitely doesnât want his first time with you to be in complete darknessâ he needs to see you.
You sit up, watching him in nervous excitement before he sits next to you. âIâllâ Iâll take care of you so.. Just let me know if Iâm going too fast or you need to stop, okay?â he asks and you assure him that the minute you feel even slightly uncomfortable, youâll let him know.
He smiles, a shy and cute one, guiding you to turn so both of your bodies are facing each other before he lets you know, âIâm going to kiss you now.â His hand rests just below your ear, fingers on your neck and his thumb tracing circles on your cheek as he leans in to kiss you.
The kiss is slowâ much slower than all the others youâve shared with him until now. Itâs sensual, each kiss soft and languid, pulling away for only a second before he connects his lips with yours again. You can feel the butterflies flutter in your stomach as he deepens the kiss, his other hand carefully landing on your waist.Â
Your hands sit awkwardly in your lap at first, not quite sure what you should do with them and whatâs okay. But to your surprise, the more Chan kisses you, the more you find yourself naturally following his lead, as if this isnât something entirely new to you. He tilts you back, carefully guiding your back to the bed, his body finding its place between your legs.Â
You bring your arms around his neck, urging him to press his body closer to yours and leave no free space between you. You want him as close as possible, to feel his weight on you, to be enveloped by him and feel him all over.
Youâre so responsive to his touch that it drives Chan crazy with want; the way your body shivers when he runs his hand down your waist to your hip, the way goosebumps rises on your skin when his fingers linger near your waistband, the way your mouth opens for him when he licks your bottom lipâ he loves it all.Â
A soft sound escapes your throat when he lets his tongue in your mouth, your arms moving from around his neck to let your hands explore his body, running down his chest and feeling his abs under your fingertips.
Feeling his tongue circle around yours, his breath being shared with you and yours with him, itâs enough to make you dizzy already. Youâve never felt a desire like this before, this overwhelming want to have his hands explore every inch of your skin.Â
When he pulls away from the kiss, wow, heâs breathless just from the sight of you. Your lips red and glossy, your eyes hazy with need, your hair having fallen around you like a halo; his angelâ youâre forever his angel.
Chan caresses your lip with his thumb, wanting to stare at you for just a moment longer before he diverts his attention elsewhere. He smiles when you kiss his thumb, finding the action cute (and hot if heâs being honest, but heâll explore that thought later.)
He lowers his head back down to you, giving you one more kiss before he leans towards your neck, kissing just under your ear before trailing hot, open mouthed kisses slowly down the expanse of your jaw and to your neck.
Some of them tickle, making you giggle softly in response, but he knows heâs found the right spot when instead of giggling, you gasp, eyes fluttering closed as you tilt your head to the side, allowing him to have more access to your sweet spot.Â
You can feel him smile against your skin before he resumes his wet kisses and licks, latching his mouth to the spot that makes you react the most and sucking gently. The noises that leave you are intoxicating and addictive, soft breathy little moans that almost get completely drowned out by the sound his kisses leave on your dampening skin.
His hands travel to the hem of your shirt, and he separates from your neck, looking at you for any sign that you want him to stop before he begins to pull it up. You look shy, maybe a little nervous, but not at all hesitant or scared of his touch. You welcome it, letting him strip you of your top and toss it to the floor.
Youâre not wearing a bra, you never do when you go to bed, and while Chan suspected that to be the case, he never asked or commented on it, because admitting that he noticed a difference would also mean admitting that heâd look at your chest. But now, he'll be able to do so freely, to stare at you openly (and hopefully not be too embarrassed about it.)
The way he stares in awe of you makes you blush, and when he calls you beautiful on top of it, you almost want to cover your face from how shy you feel. He canât compliment you while youâre exposed to him like this, you donât think your heart can take it. Your reaction makes him smile, but he hopes you know that he means it; Chan isnât saying you're beautiful just to say it, you truly areâ the most beautiful person heâs ever met, both body and soul.Â
âIs this okay?â he asks, hands lingering patiently near your breasts, not wanting to touch them until you give him clearly spoken permission. You nod, but he still hesitates until you say it, which you simultaneously appreciate but feel extremely embarrassed from. Chan rewards you with a kiss, another long one meant to ease away the embarrassment and put your focus entirely on enjoying the moment.Â
Your breath hitches when he finally touches your breasts, your body quivering when his calloused thumbs brush over your nipples. He lingers on every kiss so sweetly, every touch of your body slow and careful, not just for your comfort but also to commit it to memory, to ensure that he always remembers what his first time with you was like. He kisses down your neck again, and you watch with bated breath as he draws closer to your chest.Â
Chan takes his time fondling your breasts as he covers them in kisses, squeezing gently and listening intently to all the sounds he draws from you. He takes one of your nipples into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it and spending some time softly sucking before giving the other an equal amount of attention.
The more attention he showers your breasts with, the wetter you become, your panties becoming increasingly drenched with your arousal. If he wasnât between your legs, youâd be pressing them together in a desperate attempt to gain some relief, your pussy aching to be touched but at the same time wanting to let Chan take his time making you feel good.
He doesnât separate from your chest until heâs satisfied, starting to trail kisses down your stomach, stopping to look up at you once heâs at the waistband of your shorts. âStill okay?â he asks and you nod (perhaps a bit too eagerly), lifting your hips up so he can easily pull your clothes down your legs.Â
He hooks his fingers into your shorts and panties, hands slightly trembling as he pulls them down your thighs and then off your legs, discarding them off to the floor with your top. Now that he sees you fully exposed to him, Chan feels like his heart is going to beat out of his chest, his cock unceremoniously twitching as he stares at your body.
You can see how hard itâs grown from beneath his sweatpants, and God, you can already tell itâs big. You sit up, this time being the one to initiate a kiss as you tug at Chanâs sweatpants, not so subtly asking him to help you take them off.
Itâs his turn to feel shy, face starting to burn to the tips of his ears as he separates from you to remove them more easily. The way you attentively watch him certainly doesnât help, nor the way you overtly stare at his cock when itâs freed from his clothing.Â
You look back to his face, and though heâs feeling shy, he offers you a smile, one that you return just as timidly. Another kiss before you lay back again, your heart racing as you watch him resume his earlier path, placing kisses to the soft expanse of your skin. From your cute tummy down to your thighs, itâs driving you crazy how close his face has gotten to your core without having given it any attention yet.Â
He carefully spreads your legs further apart, swallowing when your pussy comes entirely into his view. So cute and dripping wet, all for him, because of himâ God, youâre perfect. As heâs done with every inch of your body up to this point, his first course of action is to kiss. Your hips jolt when he kisses your clit, and when he flattens his tongue and licks, oh, youâre in heaven.Â
Youâve never felt anything as good as this, your entire body shuddering as you sink your teeth into your bottom lip. The slow pace he starts with drives you wild, taking his time familiarizing himself with the way you taste, the motions you like, and indulging in the pretty sound of your whimpers and moans.
Chan picks up the pace when he finds what you like, alternating from pushing his tongue as deep into your hole as it can go and then back to your clit. He uses his hands to keep your legs spread, can feel the way they tremble and twitch as your orgasm grows closer.
Your hands clutch at his bedsheet, desperate mewls growing in volume as the knot in your stomach builds. He directs all of his attention to your clit, keeping his pace steady as he squeezes your thighs in his hands, his eyes closed as he focuses entirely on getting you to cum all over his tongue.Â
He canât help but groan when your hands move to his head, your fingers tangling in his hair and tugging just enough to cause a slight sting. âC-Close, so close-â you warn and he hums, ready and eager to taste your release.
You cum with a choked cry, your entire body trembling as the blinding white pleasure courses through your veins. Your heart pounds, chest heaving as you try to collect your breath, mind hazy from your post-orgasm bliss.Â
You donât even register that Chan has moved from his spot between your legs until he kisses you, tasting yourself on his tongue bringing you back to reality. Seeing you like this not only fills Chan with an insane amount of want, but also with pride, knowing that heâs the reason youâre in this state.
âBaby,â he calls to you, urging you to look at him. His face flushes when you do, cause fuck, youâre so pretty like this, but no use getting shy again now. âIâ I want to get you ready to take me, i-is that okay?â Chan hates that he stutters a bit while asking, but he canât help it when heâs this worked up and youâre laying there looking pretty beyond words.
âY-Yeah, please,â you practically beg, and fuck, heâs weak for that. He doesnât think heâll ever be able to resist giving you whatever you want if you make begging like that a habit of yours. He carefully moves from between your legs to be next to you, kissing you sweetly as he rubs his fingers between your folds.
You can feel his erection pressing against your thigh, hard and leaking, his pre-cum smearing on the skin it touches. âC-Channieââ you call and he immediately comes to stop, looking at you in concern. âWhatâs wrong, angel? Change your mind?â he asks, brows furrowing in worry.Â
You quickly shake your head, trying to dispel any concern before you speak up again, âI want- Can I touch you too?â You can feel his cock twitch from your question, his face flaring and ears burning.
âY-Yeah, of course,â he says, adjusting his position enough for his cock to be within reach of your hand. He canât help but shudder and gasp when you bring your fingers to his flushed tip, coating your fingers in pre-cum and spreading it down the length of his shaft.Â
Your hand is so much softer than his, so warm, and fingers barely able to wrap fully around due to how thick he is. He canât help but get lost in watching for a moment, eyes transfixed on the way your hand slowly moves up and down. You look at Chan, watching the way his expression changes as he bites his lipâ how does he look so gorgeous and sexy at once?Â
Regaining his focus, he prods at your hole with his fingers before he slips the middle one inside. God, youâre so warm and wet and tight, that the thought alone of being inside you is enough to make Chan want to cum. He canât wait to fuck you, to feel you squeezing him, and to find out what noises youâll make when his cock is touching the deepest parts of you.Â
But first, he needs to prep you wellâ so he starts by moving his finger in and out slowly and carefully until heâs sure you can take another. You whimper when he adds a second finger, your motions on his cock stopping for just a moment as you adjust to the new sensation youâre feeling. His fingers are much longer and thicker than your own, and it sends ripples of pleasure throughout your body with every move they make.Â
You match the pace of your hand with that of his fingers, mirroring the slow movements, but adding pressure by squeezing your hand around him. When he picks up his pace, you do as well, and your stomach flips when he curses under his breath and groans.
Youâre mesmerized when his head falls back for a moment, his breathing becoming heavier and his stomach and thighs flexing from the pleasure he feels. But when his fingers curl, your concentration breaks, the spot he touches making you see stars as loud a moan falls from your lips.Â
It feels so good you almost canât breathe, head falling back against the pillows and your eyes rolling back as he prods it over and over again. Your pace on his cock loses its rhythm, trying your best to keep steady through the immense pleasure you feel but failing at the task miserably.
Chan doesnât mind in the slightestâ in fact, he welcomes it, because he doesnât want to cum before he's had the chance to be inside you. He brings his thumb to your clit, applying pressure as he draws circles over it, and thatâs enough to make you entirely crumble. âOh my godââ you gasp, your hand falling away from his cock as you succumb to what he gives you.
Youâre cumming before you can even really process it, tears pricking the corners of your eyes as your body trembles. He doesnât stop until heâs sure youâve come down from the high, carefully sliding his fingers out of you and licking them clean.Â
Your eyes are closed, breath shaky as your heart pounds, and you feel so good. Chan carefully pushes the hair stuck on your face with sweat away, and you smile at him when you open your eyes. âFelt good, huh?â he asks with a shy smile of his own, âDo you still want to keep going? Not too tired?â
âWanna keep going, wanna feel you inside me,â you answer, and you can feel him twitch against your thigh again, evidently excited by your words. He stands from the bed to rifle through his nightstand, pulling a condom from the drawer as you settle comfortably in the middle of the bed.
Chan takes his place between your legs, and you watch as he opens the package and rolls the condom on with no trouble (despite how much his hands are trembling from the anticipation.) He takes his cock in his hand, lining himself up with your entrance and then looking back to your face.Â
âYouâre still sure?â he asks, and you nod without hesitation. âMhm, I love you so much Channie, wanna do this with you and only you,â you assure him, and wow, does that make him positively melt.
âSuch an angel,â he tells you before he kisses you, happy beyond words, âmy angel.â He slides inside with relative ease given how slick you are, the only resistance he meets being from how tight you still are even after having gotten his fingers.Â
He watches you the entire time, stopping when he notices you wince, and only resuming his slow push when your body starts to release its tension. Chan kisses you, holds your hand and lets you squeeze as hard you need, not moving a single inch until youâre ready for it. To your surprise, it doesnât take all that long for you to adjust to the stretch, and soon enough you find yourself eager for stimulation.Â
You donât verbally say it, but Chan can tell youâre ready by the pleasured whimper that pours into your kiss when you feel him twitch inside, and how you unconsciously move your hips to try and seek the friction you crave. He starts slow, for his sake as much as yours, because heâll cum much sooner than he wishes to otherwise.
Heâs still kissing you, swallowing your soft moans and letting you consume his low groans. It takes him a moment to find your spot with just his cock, but he can tell heâs got it when you loudly gasp and clench tightly around him.Â
He moves his hands to your hips and then to your legs, holding them in his hands and using them for leverage when he starts to pick up his pace. Your hands are on his face, holding him close as you continue to kiss and muffle each otherâs noises that are beginning to grow in volume. Youâre glad Chan asked the guys to leave for the night, because with how good it feels you couldnât possibly keep your voice down, even if you wanted to.Â
âFuck, baby, feel so good, âm gonna cum,â Chan tells you between breathy groans and your stomach flips, eager to find out what he looks and sounds like when heâs cumming inside you. He brings two fingers to your clit, rubbing in quick circles to ensure you cum again too and that he doesnât leave you wanting. You whine, sensitive from all the attention youâve received but still feeling way too good to ask him to stop.Â
âCum again for me, please angel, need you to so bad, please-â Oh, that really does it for you. You cum hard, making a mess of his fingers as you do, clutching tightly to his arms as your head falls back. Chanâs high follows close behind, his thrusts turning sloppy as he chases it, his cum spurting into the condom in quick bursts.
The two of you stay like that for a time, breathing heavily as you come down from your highs together. Chan pulls out slowly once heâs caught his breath, quickly removing the condom and tying it off, disposing of it in the trash can at the foot of his bed before he lays down next to you.
You immediately turn towards him, wrapping your arm around him and pulling him into a hug. âWe should get cleaned up but.. Wanna cuddle first,â you say and Chan smiles, always finding it so cute when youâre clingy towards him, and even more so now after an intimate moment.Â
He rubs soothing circles on your back and kisses the top of your head, watching you fondly as you yawn and snuggle as close to him as you can. âBaby, youâre gonna fall asleep if we stay like this too long. Letâs get you cleaned up before you get too cozy, yeah?â Chan reasons and you pout, knowing heâs right but not wanting to leave the comfortable, blissful place youâre in. He chuckles when you look at him with that pout, so adorable and cute in his eyes.Â
âCâmon, wonât take long. And weâll go straight to bed as soon as weâre done, promise,â he tries again and you reluctantly agree, begrudgingly tearing yourself away from your boyfriend's warm embrace.
Your legs are a bit wobbly, so Chan helps you stabilize yourself, walks you to the bathroom and helps you in the shower. He takes his time to dry you off well and get you dressed in fresh clothes, and helps you back into bed.
You yawn and snuggle into Chan as soon heâs settled next to you, eyes heavy and body beyond exhausted. Youâre a little sore, but so happy, and Chan took such good care of you that you feel relaxed despite the aches.
He holds you close, whispering a soft âI love youâ, smiling when you sleepily mumble it back. Heâs so lucky to have you, so blessed to have you here in his arms, loving him in both his good moments and his bad, never giving up on him even when you likely should have.Â
You saw how flawed of a person he was and loved him regardless, knew of his mistakes and regrets and supported him anyway, encouraging him every step of the way on his road to change. There were so many times he felt he didnât deserve the love and compassion he received, so many times he felt worthless and miserable, and you graciously helped him to see that he was a person worth more than he gave himself credit for.Â
It was still hard at times to have love and compassion for himself, to extend himself the care he freely offered to others, to believe itâs what he deserved, but heâd never stop trying. Until the day came where he could confidently say he loves himself, that he believes in his heart that heâs not someone worthless, heâll keep trying.
And youâll be there, holding his hand, giving him the safe space he needs to cry and to feel, your unconditional love giving him the reassurance and hope he needs to live a life he can be proud ofâ a life he promises to always share with you.
#skz x reader#bang chan x reader#skz smut#bang chan smut#skz imagines#skz scenarios#skz fluff#skz angst#literally posting this after 4am fdsgsdfg GOOD NIGHT#mdni + divider graphic credit: @cafekitsune
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leaving a lil rant here :]
I love Tim and his ships sm. Me personally, I only really ship TimKon. Those two are perfect for eachother and have so much clear queer coding that itâs crazy, and they have dialogue thatâs just. gay shaped.
I also get TimBart, I donât ship it romantically but I get why people do!! Tim and Bart are close as well, and the balance they get between âdepressed tired wet catâ and âliving breathing embodiment of adhdâ is great.
I also get TimBartKon, theyâre a trio. They are always a trio, so many people like to bring up how TimKon has so much coding and one of the big examples they use is when Tim tried to clone Kon. You know who else he tried to clone? Bart.
The only Tim ship I donât get is TimBern, or any ship involving those two. When Bernard first appears, heâs Timâs bully. He actively makes fun of tim and puts him down and then that character is forgotten about until Tim comes out as bi, then they just rework his character and go âhaha guys this is his boyfriend not bully ygs are crazyâ and just forget about all the bad stuff Bernard did? Reworking a character is great and all but, it just feels a bit weird and out of place for me. Thereâs always going to be that certain toxicity for TimBern, at least for me.
homie... bully??? im flabbergasted- im speechless- im jason todd (dead)
okay, im gonna start off by saying you have all the right to not ship them, and im not here to defend timbern as a ship. im here to defend BERNARD DOWD.
first thing bernard does is give tim advice about teachers, and he clearly says they're gonna be good friends.
if bernard was a bully, tim wouldn't hang around him so much. besides, i hate it when people place tim as a helpless little boy who would get bullied. he has put himself in situations where he looks weak on purpose to keep his identity safe, but he's not a victim at all. tim is a social butterfly because he's really good at masking and reading people.
not to mention, both bernard and darla push tim a lot because they're trying to get him to open up and be closer to them, but he keeps pushing them away. tim is a professional liar.
and when tim has to quit robin and start hanging out with normal people, he invites bernard over.
and bernard is acting relatively normal, and he wants to play video games and talk about how hot tim's stepmom is.
bernard is a normal teenager who has no idea one of his friends is the hero he's so obsessed with. he even shows concern for robin dying and makes up an entire conspiracy theory about batman havin a robin orphanage. you can tell he's afraid of robin being gone for real because at this point they haven't seen robin in months bc tim retired.
i dont know what about all of these interactions gave you the vibe that he's a bully because all i see is a normal teenager teasing his friends and being jealous tim gets more bitches.
im not saying that bernard was never mean or weird around tim, but he definitely wasn't actively bullying tim.
bernard is obnoxious and cocky, yes. but thats just because they wrote him as a real person. he's the school's chameleon, maybe even a little bit of a loser, too. he knows everyone but keeps a safe distance so that he doesn't get pushed into a box. im not sure if, at this point, he was already in a cult or being indoctrinated, but when we see his parents and the dowd home in tim drake: robin that just doesn't look right.
also homie talk about "forgetting all the bad things bernard did" (which in my opinion is none but okay lets follow that logic) everyone forget about all the bad things batman did to tim, he was not a kind and loving mentor, he was cruel to both tim and steph. we forget that batman was kind of an asshole to damien in the beginning. all those things are forgotten for the sake of the batfam.
in conclusion: we're just so used to the idea that superheroes can only ever form strong friendship bonds by having near death experiences together that we forget that the secret identifies exist and that the people who know them by their legal name also means a lot to them. after all, these people are the reason why they're heroes.
#bernard dowd#timbern#tim drake#i could make a 2 hours long video essay on bernard dowd and how deep his character actually goes#but yall are not ready for that#ask#cosmic inbox
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Itâs okay, love.
⤠pairing: Draco Malfoy x gryff!fem!reader (house barely mentioned).
Request: None
tw: eating disorder; mentions of bullying and anxiety attack.
Note: Iâve wrote this based on personal experiences and what I needed at the time. DO NOT read this if itâs not comfortable for you. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please reach out for help.
English is not my native language so Iâm sorry if there is any mistakes. This is my first fic ever so it might not be so good. I hope you enjoy it though.
Summary: Y/N is a keeper at the Gryffindor (barely mentioned) team, who has been developing an eating disorder and Draco Malfoy seems to be only one who noticed it.
Y/N always had problems with her body image. At her early teens at Hogwarts she used to be mocked, mostly by Pansy Parkinson and her friends, because she was too thin. When Y/N turned 14, she started gaining weight since she was eating too much due to her increased anxiety, and then she was again being mocked, except now because she was getting fat, and everyone talked about it, even when they didnât want to be mean, saying things like âyou should get on a dietâ. By 16, Y/N started focusing on her weight loss journey, she was finally gonna be health, delicate and beautiful as the other girls her age.
Some months later
It was right after the quidditch match between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. They won, of course, since youâve let too many quaffles go through the goal hoops. Youâre a keeper at the Gryffindor team, and youâre good at it. When youâre not dizzy anyway.
âIt happened again, didnât it?â
you heard the familiar voice behind you. It sounded soft, which was not a usual thing. You closed your locker and turned around to face Malfoy. The others had already left the locker room, so now it was just you and him.
"It happened what again, Malfoy?" you asked him, trying to sound indifferent, when you were all, but that. He had some power over you, it was irritating actually, how nervous you would get when he was around.
Malfoy has been acting weird these past few months, he didn't tease you anymore. When his friends said anything about you, he would either just leave or just stare at you, but never laugh with them, never contribute to their bullying. He was the only one in the group who said nothing about your recent weight loss. The others did. Pansy would never loose the chance to say you finally learnt to shut your mouth.
You hated that he hadn't said anything, you worried you hadn't lost enough weight for him to notice, and you wanted him to see that you could be pretty too.
He looked in you up and down, checking you, before focusing on your eyes again and said "Dizziness."
You didn't understand why he was saying this, why he would notice you feeling dizzy. "Yeah.. just a little. I'm bit distract that's all". A few seconds went by where he said nothing, just stood there looking at you. Was that concern in his eyes? You couldn't tell. "Look, uhmm, I don't know where this is coming from, but I have to go. If you have any jokes to make about me being a bad keeper, or an ugly, fat bad keeper or whatever" you noticed him flinch at that, as if it had hurt him. "say it now or leave it for tomorrow 'cause I'm really tired and just wanna go to my bed"
He walked towards you, enough for him to talk low and look closely into your eyes, making you even more nervous, and said "You have to stop this, Y/N, it's making you sick."
"I don't know what you talking about"
Now he let out a breath in disbelief. "Oh, you don't know what I'm talking about? Let my clarify to you, then, It's a very simple concept, really, I thought you would know it by now." He was actually getting angry. "In order to live, people have to eat. It's the only way to get nutrients into your body. Really, Y/N, that's basics"
"I know about that. It's a good thing I eat, then, right?'' You said also angry now with his sudden aggressiveness.
"Do you though? 'Cause what I'm seeing-" he said gesturing to your body "is a girl fading away, a girl who plays with food at lunch instead of actually eating it, a girl who who used to be a great keeper, but now can't barely stand in a broom because is too weak to do so." He could feel his heart in his throat. He was so nervous, so scared you would fall off that broom. More than he could ever admit. He was keeping his worry to himself for months, hoping you would stop, hoping someone would intervene, but no one did. People just kept either praising your weight loss or humiliating you. But he couldn't stop himself anymore, if you had got hurt today, he would never forgive himself.
You felt your heart skip a beat at that. He was worried. Really worried. You didn't know how to react. You felt seen, someone saw what you were going through. But you also felt good, reassured. So you WERE thinner, and he noticed. âYou know what? I donât get it. Werenât you and your friends the ones who said I was too heavy to play quidditch? that my weight would slow me down? that I would fall? that the broomstick couldnât take it?â you now had tears in your cheeks. Your vision was blured by the tears and, God, you were so tired.
Malfolyâs heart mightâve actually broke in that moment. He was so angry at everyone who didnât notice you hurting yourself, when he was actually the who drove you into it.
ââI am so tired.â you kept talking now, tears rolling down your face. âWhy is it never enough? Iâm tired. Iâm thin, Iâm ugly. Iâm fat, Iâm ugly too, and disggusting. I need a diet. I do a diet. and now fading away? OH well, just let me be happy for once.and I am happy now, ok? Iâm finally beautiful.â You were talking so fast and you were feeling so weak. Malfoy saw that, so he immediately hold you in a hug, preventing you from falling. Your head were now in his chest, and you were trying to stop crying, trying to make your heart go back to itâs normal rhythm.
âItâs okay. Itâs okay, love.â He said stroking your hair. âIâm sorryâ he said almost inaudible.
After a few minutes you heart and breathing were finally stable again. You detached yourself from his harms, although his hands were still in both sides of your arms. You looked up to him with watery eyes. You hated crying in front of people. "I'm sorry" you said.
"It's okay." He said again, looking back at you. Taking his hesitant hand, like he was afraid to actually break you, to clean your cheeks from the tears. "I promise".
"Why are you doing this?" you were really confused. You had never seen Malfoy this gentle and.. scared?
He caressed you cheeks while looking from your eyes to your mouth. He then joined your foreheads and spoke really low, like a whisper. âI need you, Y/N.â
âwhat?â you said also in a whisper. you couldn't believe what you were hearing.
âI need you, and I need you to get better. This is making me crazy. Iâm scared all the time. Iâm scared youâre gonna fall off the stairs, or the broom. Iâm scared of you getting hurt. Please.. just- just let me help, ok? Tell me what to do, and Iâll do it. Anything.â
âCan you.. uhmm. eat? with me, I meanâ you asked detaching your heads to look in his eyes.
âSureâ He said immediately. âIs that all?â
âNo.â you let out a breath in relief with his answer and smile a little. âBut it may be a start. I thinkâ
âOk.â He returned your smile. âYou should probably talk with someone else, though. Someone who could help more. A professor, maybe. Iâll go with you, if you want me to.â
âYeah.. ok. Can we go to McGonagall, then? Not now, please. When Iâm ready.â
âOf course. Anyone you want, love.â He said looking back at you before you hugging him again. Letting your head rest in his chest while he stroke your hair again. This felt like home to both of you. You were so scared, but he was hopeful. He would do anything for you to feel better.
This whole not eating thing made you so tired, but it was also so addictive. You didnât know if you could ever get better, but maybe this was a start. Having someone to lean on, someone who cared.. it certainly helped.
#draco malfoy x reader#draco malfoy angst#angst with a happy ending#draco malfoy x you#draco malfoy#draco x y/n#draco x you#draco malfoy imagine
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hey! i was wondering if you could do a polyplastics fic thing thats more like karen-centric. like karen was having a good day but then she heard some random people talking about how shes dumb and just like objectifying her, so she runs to the bathroom and crys in the stall then the reader walks into the bathroom and hears someone crying so they check and see that its karen, obviously they comfort her, and texts gretchen and regina to come to the bathroom and then when they get there, karen tells them all what happened and gretchen and regina just storm out and the other two are super confused and then like turns out regina and gretchen went to find the dudes that were talking about karen and regina goes all apex predator on them while gretchen very loudly reveals a bunch of their secrets to the whole cafeteria. and then lalalala kiss kiss everyone is happy
Apex Bodyguards
|| poly!plastics x nonbinary!reader
(i myself am poly)
|| Warnings; brief mentions of slut shaming, karen being bullied, swearing, regina being regina
|| Summary; Karen was having a great day, that is until she overhears people talking about her in a not so positive light. She gets upset and runs off to the bathroom, where reader finds her.
Requests open!
Started; September 15th
Finished; September 17th
~~~
Karen's day was going really well, like. Super well. She spent her whole morning with her girlfriends, she even had a couple classes with Gretchen that morning.
She was getting ready to go to her fourth period class, walking through the hall to get to her locker when she overheard some students talking. She heard them mention her name and smiled at first. Until she heard what they were saying.
"Oh my God, yes. Thank you! Karen Shetty is so fucking stupid oh my God." One girl said, the others around her laughed as another one piped up," we literally don't talk about this enough."
"And I bet Regina only keeps her around for her boobs. Cause like damn, but imagine the back problems that slut has."
"Oh my God, can we talk about the slut thing? Cause like- eleven people? Girl wow, you're like how old?"
"For real!"
Karen felt her lip tremble and put her hand to it as she ran to the closest bathroom.
"Oh shit, think she heard us?" One of the girls asked when they saw how fast Karen left, the other shrugged.
A few minutes pass and you walk into the same bathroom, sighing as you headed to the stall. Already dreading fourth period. None of your friends were in that class and to make it worse it was history. Gross.
As you opened the stall, you heard a sniffle from the one next to it and paused for a moment. Was someone crying? You listened a little closer and heard a few more sobs, so you knocked on the stall.
"Hey? You doing okay in there?" You asked, the sobs had sounded vaguely familiar but you couldn't figure out why that was. Then you heard the voice that followed.
"I... no."
Shit. Karen.
"Baby, open the stall." Your voice was softer as you listened to her shuffle around then open the door. Immediately she was in your arms, crying into your shoulder and you held her tight," hey, hey, hey.. you're okay. What happened?"
You weren't great at comforting, but this was your girlfriend. So you made an effort as the two of you moved to sit on the bathroom floor together.
Karen explained everything through sobs as you sat there, holding her hand and giving her knuckles soft rubs. Something you'd seen Gretchen do a number of times, including to you. So you knew it helped.
"Those bitches." You muttered, giving Karen a quick soothing kiss," look at me, baby. Listen, okay?"
She looked at you, mascara running down her cheeks. You frowned at the sight.
"They don't know what they're talking about. You are plenty smart. Remember a few days ago? You recognized that I was upset when even Gretchen and Regina couldn't see it. You helped me. That was all you, baby. You know exactly what people need and you're there for them. Those bitches? They clearly don't know you well enough to see just how kind, beautiful and intelligent you are." You rambled on, Karen listening to your every word. You weren't lying, Karen was smart. Just... in different ways. So you made sure to highlight that for her to see it.
That got a smile from her and you felt your shoulders relax. Maybe you weren't so bad at this comforting thing.
"I'm gonna text Regina and Gretchen, okay? Can I let them know what happened?" You asked, she gave a small nod and cuddled up against you. Your arm draped around her side while your other took out your phone. Sending a text to the groupchat and letting them know what happened.
Gretchen; oh my god no way?? is karen okay? i'll be right there <3
Regina; im gonna skin a bitch.
You had closed your phone and focused on Karen again and didn't see Regina's response. Though you could only guess what she would say.
It took no more than two minutes for both girls to come storming into the bathroom. Gretchen softened as she saw the two of you on the ground; Regina however only got more pissed off. Her arms folded across her chest, nails digging into her skin.
"Who was it?" She demanded, she looked at you. You shrugged, so she looked at Karen," Well?"
Karen fidgeted with her fingers, taking a glance at Gretchen who gave an encouraging nod," Lyliah Haydens.. Lexis Hexx."
You frowned hearing the names, giving Karen's shoulder a comforting squeeze. You didn't know the girls but Gretchen seemed to.
"I've got this. Regina, come on." You'd never seen Gretchen take charge so fast as she walked right out of the bathroom.
"Don't have to tell me twice." Regina replied, following after at a slight jog so she could walk in front. "Got any dirt on Lyliah and Lexis?"
"Obvi, Gina." Gretchen stopped when they were in the hall and turned to look at Regina with a grin," Lyliah's been sleeping with Lexis' boyfriend behind her back. And remember last week when the girls locker room smelled like piss? Lexis pissed her pants in gym class. Mr Carr wouldn't let her go to the bathroom."
"God, it's hot when you gossip." Regina smirked and walked ahead, pulling Gretchen along," come on."
Meanwhile, you stayed behind with Karen. She'd calmed down by this point so you just sat together, you listened to Karen talk. Just admiring her smile and the way her hands moved and twirled with each sentence.
"Welcome to NorthShore Daily! Where we interrupt you to give the latest rundown of-" The afternoon announcements were interrupted...
"Is this stupid thing on? Gretchen!" Your head whipped around towards the hall when you heard Regina's voice over the loud speaker.
"What's she doing?" You asked aloud.
Karen shrugged and listened with you.
"Yes, Regina." You heard Gretchen reply.
"You can't just-" The usual student announcer was cut off again by Regina.
"I can do what I want, move it loser." Some shuffling was heard before Regina continued," You want some news that's actually interesting, NorthShore? Turns out, Lyliah Haydens is sleeping with Lexis Hexx's boyfriend! And get this.. Lexis Hexx is the reason the girls locker room smelled like piss last week. She wet her pants in gym."
Regina paused for dramatic effect, you could almost hear the smirk in her voice. Only Regina would be able to get away with a stunt like this.
"Let this be a lesson to not shit talk my girlfriends." Regina added on.
"...um, back to regular announcements-" The usual student announcer tried her best to continue on after that.
You heard Regina's heels coming down the hall before her and Gretchen appeared at the bathroom entrance again. Regina had a smirk on her face, looking rather proud of herself.
"Thanks, guys.." Karen murmured.
They nodded and Gretchen sat down with the two of you, but Regina looked disgusted at the thought of sitting on the floor.
You noticed and gave your lap a pat, offering it as a seat instead.
She rolled her eyes, trying to seem reluctant but you could tell she liked it as she sat down with you.
Gretchen gave Karen a soft kiss," feeling better, mama?"
Karen nodded," can we get pizza?"
Regina laughed a little," maybe."
The four of you definitely went on a pizza date that night. It was well deserved.
#x reader#fanfic#canon x reader#fem reader#wlw fiction#mean girls x reader#mean girls#regina george#gretchen wieners#karen shetty#regina george x nonbinary reader#gretchen wieners x reader#karen x reader#karen x gretchen#regina x karen#regina x gretchen#poly!plastics x reader#poly!plastics#polyamory
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Happy Holidays! Iâve been on a bit of an angst fix lately, so if you donât mind, Iâm going to brainrot in your inbox about it.
Iâve been thinking about a scenario where Yuu just finally snaps. I mean, an entire school year of being trapped in a foreign world with no certain hope of seeing your family again, being forced to contend with (at least) 7 life-or-death scenarios, the massive egos these teenage boys have, and probably at least a little bullying from the NRC students for being magicless. I mean come on, I love our boys and all, but a lot of them are kind of awful people. Thereâs no way a regular personâs mental health survives that.
And maybe Yuu, tired of it all, packs up what little they have and leaves. Surely their prospects couldnât get any worse than at NRC. Maybe Yuu tries their luck at RSA in finding someone to help them go home. Maybe Yuu just wanders until they find somewhere where they can be something. Would they even leave a letter behind explaining what happened to them, or would they just assume no one would care anyway?
I just want some more Yuu angst lol
Do you have any thoughts on this?
Happy Holidays to you too annon! Everyone is welcome to brainrot in my inbox, especially about Yuu. And I do have some 「(ď˝°ďžăź;) but I might be a bit nicer to the NRC boys than they deserve.
notes: they/them used for Yuu, more fleshed out fic can be found on my masterlist here. SPOILERS FOR UNRELEASED CH 7 CONTENT. CW for abandonment issues, ptsd, bullying, and just general ignorance on the part of the OB boys. Heavy on the angst, this is a mega oof tm of a post.
I want to start off by saying that, in my personal opinion based off of the in game voicelines and vignettes, that the various NRC boys do like Yuu and enjoy having them around. They think of them as the same of any other freshmen student at NRC, which is sort of the problem.
The average NRC freshmen has magic, a dormitory with a housewarden responsible for "guiding" them, and a family they can fall back on if things get rough. The average student has a basic understanding of the history of the world they live in, of it's pop culture, it's food, it's clothes, and a bunch of other things that they might not think about because of how ingrained it is in their very being. Yuu has none of those things. They don't even have a cannon club which I think is more meant to allow players to have head cannons, but since we are talking angst I have wondered if since Yuu and Grim are one student, any club Yuu wanted to join would have to take Grim as well and no one wanted to deal with that. So Grim started his own "club" and Yuu just takes pictures of birthday celebrations and events they aren't able to fully participate in for the school at Crowley's request.
Ace's first reaction to Yuu is to bully them for not having magic. Deuce admits to having done the same thing as when he was a child, and is very embarrassed by it. We don't really see Yuu getting outright bullied outside of this, but given how the faceless students reacted to Deuce being excited for Starsending, yeah I think Yuu has had to deal with some bullying. And while I do think Adeuce (and the rest of Heartslabyul really) would stick up for them, it wouldn't make it stop. If anything it just gets sneakier and Yuu, not wanting to cause any problems, does their best to cover it up. Something about keeping a stiff upper lip or a smile better suiting a hero and all that.
The overblots is a whole separate issue. We get two real apologies, one from Riddle and one from Vil, who again do not take Yuu being magicless in to much thought. They think of Yuu highly! They are a housewarden of their own little dorm! And they take such good care of Grim and the others, not to mention all those overblots you survived! Not many mages can claim that but you can! What could you possibly have to be stressed about?
As if that isn't the entire problem. As if anyone understands where Yuu is coming from. As if they even would care if they did.
They might be just as capable as any other freshmen, but when school ends, hell even when it goes on a break, they have no where to go. They were stripped from their friends, family, and especially their belongings, including money and autonomy! I have some thoughts about my own Yuu wanting to be nurse in her world, but given how much of even basic medical care seems to rely on magic in Twisted Wonderland I wonder if that would even be a career path any magicless person could take. We know a lot of them work at Styx because they don't risk blot accumulation, but even cooking is done with magic (if it can be) in Twisted Wonderland! How would you feel if you had your heart set on being a doctor, worked really hard to get good grades and took up a part time job to save for college/university only to be transported to a different world with different laws of physics completely against your will. A world where all that hard work is meaningless and you might not be able to accomplish those dreams of yours. And! AND AND! If you get upset about it, that will be seen as a weakness on your part and no one will care.
Because hey, they had to work for what they have. Why can't you? They didn't ask to be born with magic (even though they would have probably) so there is no use crying about things you can't change. Ruggie and Jamil do seem to feel a bit of sympathy to Yuu's plight, but neither of them think twice about exploiting Yuu for their own gain. Sure it might be unfair, but life is in general! It's not their fault, they aren't to blame. And that's really how all of NRC sees it, they aren't to blame for Yuu's circumstances, so they aren't owed any special treatment.
How Yuu snaps and what they do because of it would really come down to how you hc your Yuu to be. My own personal thoughts come back to personal autonomy a lot; I don't think Yuu has much of it and that would grate on me constantly. I could see Yuu hearing their friends talk about their plans for the future, and though Ace and especially Deuce try to include them in the conversation they can't add much. Ace applauds them, says "we need to take things easy! We're still freshmen..." and drones on about how he just wants to enjoy school life. And maybe Yuu does too, but they have no concrete answer about whether or not they can get home. They don't have the support system that their classmates do, so there really isn't anything waiting for them after the school year ends. Yuu feels so helpless, and they don't have the words to explain how they feel, because how could they?
If Malleus's overblot ends without any real repercussions (which I doubt it will but hey, I am like 65/35 on whether or not he apologizes to Yuu specifically for almost killing them I will be so pissed if he doesn't) I could see everyone else making fun of Malleus for loosing while Yuu just. Stares off into the distance, trying really hard not to cry in front of people they are convinced will make fun of them. This has all been scary, things like this just aren't possible in their world and they aren't mentally prepared to face death again.
And they are convinced they will. You can say overblots are rare all you like, but Yuu has practically seen one once a month ever since they arrived in this world. It is normal to them, and who should they trust? The lying headmaster or their lying eyes and ears?
If Yuu decides to run away, I think that the Ramshackle ghosts might try to stop them. Sure the headmaster sucks, but your ghost buddies really love you! And want to support you in anyway they can, so does Grim! He wants to be together for the next 100 years, and while he does really want to stay at NRC so he can be the world's greatest mage... I think he might love Yuu more. Just a tiny bit. He would play it off as him being too good for the school, or that he and Yuu are only one student after all so he will be expelled... but really he wants to come with because he will be worried about Yuu.
While going to RSA does sound nice on paper, Yuu doesn't really have a reason to go there. They aren't exactly on first name basis with any of the students we've met so far, and there is always the risk of Che'nya snitching to Riddle and Trey. Better to try and find a place where they can be something and maybe send letters to all the magical academies they can get contact information for to see if they can help. And also, to see if they will accept Grim as a full student, got to make sure he isn't sacrificing his dream for nothing!
The ghosts, realizing they can't convince Yuu not to leave decide to help. They already sell things at the markets downtown, so maybe they chat with some of their clients and convince them to let Yuu rent a room for a while. You have the option in Portfest to mention you have been to Craneport before, and I like the thought of Yuu having a part time job there. Maybe the ghosts explain that Yuu has no real family to go back to and Yuu's part time employer agrees to give them a full time job while Yuu figures out where they want to go.
Another thing related to personal autonomy, Yuu wouldn't have government documents if they just got isekaid out of the blue. I could see that being a huge issue for traveling to different countries and trying to establish a life. I also wonder if Crowley even did anything about that... but assuming he did since he (allegedly) talked to the school board about what to do with Yuu I think the ghosts would get them for Yuu on the condition they still come visit sometimes.
As for the note, I think Yuu would leave one simply because they feel like they didn't have the words to explain themselves out loud. And because they don't want to face the fight they know will come where everyone tells them to just suck it up and get on with it. These are teenage boys they are dealing with, their brains just can't fully comprehend the situation Yuu is in and they have given up expecting them to.
Just so we're clear, I think this would devastate Ace and Deuce, maybe to the point of destroying their friendship, at least for a while. Ace does think about Yuu not having magic, he wants to protect them. He says so when you level him to max, that protecting you will be easy, but clearly it wasn't. Clearly he failed you, and what does Ace do when he feels bad? He takes it out on everyone else and in this case especially Deuce. Deuce just feels stupid, which he already does a lot, but he really saw you as being around for the rest of his life. And now you aren't, and not for a happy reason like you got to go home. You aren't there because they failed you.
The others are a bit of a mixed bag I could do a separate post about but to hit the other big one...
I have no real idea how Malleus would react. I can see him thinking this means Yuu is afraid of him now, which I don't think he would react well to, but assuming this is post ob then he might be willing to take responsibility for it. It would certainly make him think, but how that thought would manifest? Outside of the obvious weather changes I do not know. I could see him being slightly resentful to his mother for cursing him to be hated by humans and loved only by fae when he so desperately wanted to be loved by one specific human. They were his first real friend, and he didn't treasure them in a way they found meaningful.
idk Yuu dropping off the grid isn't something I can see Crowley letting happen, but I can see why Yuu would want to try.
#twisted wonderland x reader#twst x reader#twst yuu#my own yuu is supposed to be a delinquent type who spent some time in residential treatment#and worked really hard to try and not be like her actual criminal parents#but feels like a lot of that work has been undermined by being transported to a world where magic makes most of her talents irrelevant#so yeah i think about yuu angst a lot#i am yuu's biggest faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan i want good things for them except when i write angst
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Learning to Love Part 1
Pairing: Rafe Cameron x FemReader!PlusSize
Warnings: 18+, langauge, angst, fluff, mentions of bullying, body image issues, fat shaming, fake relationship, eventual smut, minor enemies to lovers trope.
Summary: It's not uncommon for you to be shamed for your size, it is however uncommon to be told that no one would ever date you because of it. Rafe on the other hand is used to being called a jerk, that is until he is accused of seeing people for only what's on the surface. It's purely coicidental you two meet right after these accusations are thrown your way. So even though you two don't know each other, and probably never would've looked the others way before this, now you're both going to prove a point. It's simple really, prove others wrong and don't fall in love. Easier said than done.
word count: 3.2k
Intro ââ Part 2
Masterlist
Itâs not until youâre opening the bar the next day you finally receive a text from your fake boyfriend. You had spent most of the night confused how this had all happened. You blamed it on how worked up you were after the beach, letting yourself get carried away. You couldnât back out now, you had signed a contract. Hell it might be on a napkin but it was right there, evidence that you had made an agreement with a perfect stranger and now had no way out. A part of you wanted to do this too. Prove something to others you still werenât sure of yourself. You just prayed you wouldnât get too attached.
unknown number
You wanted to keep that same confidence you had yesterday. A coolness that you had maintained while getting into a fake relationship. Thing was your heart was already starting to thump over him texting you. You werenât strong enough for this, you knew you would fold in seconds. Your only priority now was making sure he didn't know that about you. That was why you had limited PDA because you knew one touch from him would be your weakness. You weren't blind, he was gorgeous. He had every right to be cocky and you had no right to be. You save his number anyway despite desperately wanting to block it and pretend none of this happened.
Rafe
You were screwed. Totally and utterly screwed. You had googled him, you weren't no fool. All it did was intimidate you even more. CEO of one of the largest companies in the area, articles about his dead Dad and all the trouble he had gotten into when he was younger. He was tough, cold, and you were anything but. Now you had to act like you loved him. Someone who had become cold towards the world and you who still was on somewhat good terms with it had to learn to love him. Well fake love him.
"What's with the look?" your friend Mila asks. You look to her from across the bar where she dumps ice to prepare for the long shift ahead of you both. Mila was one of the few people in this world you had known all your life and had always stuck by your side. She was the only oen to ever really tell people off when they were mean to you. Which was half the reason you always kept her around. Even now as roomates and your employee. She would always take care of you and you would always take care of her.
"A boy" you find yourself saying. She is the last person on earth you would want to admit this mistake to but you realize you can also get her advice without having to tell the full truth.
"A boy, do I know this boy?" it's the soft shake of your head that has her abandoning the ice buckets and walking over to face you. You never talked about boys so whatever this was deseved her undivided attention.
"No, I met him here yesterday" you don't miss the way her hands fall on her hips instantly, a stern look coming your way.
"Want to explain why you were here on your day off?" Mila didn't like how you overworked yourself. You were the owner, she was the manager, you didn't have to do any of the work that you did around here. So when she catches you putting in time when you deserve a much needed break she's the first one ready to fight you.
"I came for a drink, I promise I didn't step behind the bar once" you say raising your hands in defense. She studies you for a moment to make sure you're telling the truth before removing her hands from her hips and leaning forward.
"So you met a boy while getting a drink yesterday?" she questions and you nod. She pushes her curly brunette hair back from her face and grabs the hair tie on her wrist and secures it all behind her head while awaiting your answer.
"Yes and he gave me his number" as her arms drop back down to her sides her dough eyes widen in surprise. She knew you deserved the world but she also knew how people treated you. She knows because they're the same people she had been shoving on the playground as kids and flipping off in public as adults.
"Have you texted him?" she asks, trying to not act to excited on your behalf. She knows you want to be cool and collected about this. To not get your hopes up because you're prepared for the worst. You always are.
"He actually just texted me" she nods, waiting for you to give more about how you are feeling so she can determine whether to be excited or worried for you. "He is extremely intimidating"
"Are you gonna go on a date with him?" she asks as she pushes up the sleeves of her shirt, dark amber skin on display. It reminds you of how you always wanted to be her growing up. Perfect body, perfect face, the prettiest smile. Boys always turned their heads when they saw her and when they saw you they would turn back away. Mila was a beautiful light skinned Goddess and you were just you. Plain jane.
"I might, I just don't want to get attached" she didn't have to ask to know this and you both don't miss the way your phone dings again.
Rafe
The text has your heat doubling in speed. Mila watches you with concentration, Randy now joining you btoh behind to bar to finish the job Mila had started. She waits patiently like always, waiting to see if you'll tell her what he just said. She really wants to rip the phone from your hand and read for herself but she knows you better than anyone. This needs to be just for you right now and as long as she knows you won't get hurt she is okay with it.
"He wants to have dinner" you speak after a beat and before she can say anything Randy butts in while polishing the crytal glasses at the other end of the bar.
"Pretty boy from yesterday?" Randy's comment has Mila raising her eyebrows and looking back at you.
"You never said he was a pretty boy" you don't have to answer before Randy does.
"Yeah the dude was hot. I'm straight but if he asked me out I would say yes in an instant" this has Mila turning towards you with a questioning look. You know she has hundreds of things running through her head that she wants to say but she is nearly bursting with excitment and you don't want to hold out on her.
"This is not in a mean way but was he genuine? Not like the guys I have to kick the shit out of?" she asks above everything else and again you are cut off by Randy.
"Based on the way he was devouring her with his eyes I'd say he was genuine. When she leaned over the bar I thought he was going to take a bite out of her ass" Randy says which causes Mila to snort and you to glare at him.
"I can answer these questions myself Randy and need I remind you who can change the status of your employment in a second?" you tell him, arms crossing over you chest and he chuckles as he set's the last of the clean glasses down on the bar top.
"I'm just saying, about time someone noticed how cool you are" you roll your eyes even though your heart soars over how genuine he is. You could never fire Randy, he was one of your best bartenders and over the years a close friend.
"Well are you gonna go?" Mila interrupts and you look at her confused before you realize what she is asking. It's then your phone dings with a new message again.
Rafe
Sighing you look up at two of your closest and dearest friends before droppign back down to the message on your phone. They don't know it isn't genuine, that both you and pretty boy are aware of how fake this relationship is, and is only meant for personal gain but you don't want to disappoint them. So you force a smile on your face and look to them both hoping they can't read the lies all over it. "I guess Iâm going to dinner"
"Yes!' the pair cheers before chest bumping each other and you roll your eyes before typing a response back to Rafe.
Rafe
Shaking your head you realize exactly what kind of trouble you're in. You no longer have to lie to yourself about your feelings towards the boys now you had to lie to everyone else that's important in your life. You just prayed in wouldnât blow up in your face.
You were still praying when the clock hit seven oâclock on the dot. There was no hiding the fact you had just worked a whole shift so you stopped yourself from any attempts at looking presentable. You didnât have much time anyway since Rafe walked through the door right on time. When Mila realized that he was the boy her jaw dropped, which had you blushing a deep red. You tried to get your face back to normal before Rafe stood in front of you, a grey suit draped across his form, looking handsome as ever. Even with his hair falling onto his forehead he was still just as gorgeous.
âYou promised nothing fancyâ you tell him before he can say anything and he grins, hand reaching for your own.
âI just left work doll, Iâll change into a trash bag if you need me tooâ sighing you place your hand in his anyway and allow him to guide you out from behind the bar.
âText me if you need anything guysâ you call out to Mila and Randy who have more drink orders than they can keep up with.
âText us if you need anythingâ Mila said in a suggestive way and you shook your head while throwing your purse over the shoulder of your free arm. You tried to act like his hand locked in your own didnât make you as nervous as it did. This was fake, all show. You could do this.
Youâre met with one of the nicest trucks youâve ever seen still running outside. He opens the door and helps you climb inside before jogging to the other side. The smile he sends your way is a knees weak type of smile. You just know how many girls probably melted for that and a part of you feels bad for him. That he never could actually love someone the way he wanted because of material things. You knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of that. Thatâs why you were doing this, for both you and him.
âI figured we could eat at my place, take that for nothing fancyâ he says as he pulls out onto the road.
âIs this the part where I find out youâre an axe murderer and fake dating is how you lure people in?â you question, heart racing over the idea of already being alone in his apartment with him. You donât miss the way his hands tighten on the steering wheel but he still sends a smile your way.
âNot an axe murderer. I just want to get to know you, get our story straightâ and you nod as he finally reaches a condo building. You wish you had known how rich he was before agreeing to fake date him. Yeah you owned a bar but that didnât mean you were racking in big bucks. You still had a roommate after all. âPlus Iâm a good cookâ
âPoison, I knew itâ you tease and he genuinely laughs before shaking his head and getting out the truck. You donât miss the annoyed look he gives you when you pop open your door before he can. He helps you down anyway before guiding you inside.
Youâre practically on the top floor by the time you get there. When he opens the door to his apartment it looks as if you could fit three of your own in it. You try to not let this intimidate you, the space still practically open. You can spot his bed in the corner and you quickly push away the thoughts of him sleeping in it every night. The kinds of girls he might bring back to it. Girls who would never ever look like you. You an exception just to prove a point because the truth was Rafe Cameron would never date a girl like you for real.
âIâm gonna change, feel free to make yourself at homeâ he tears your attention away from the bed and you nod as he starts walking towards his room. You realize this open concept leaves you both vulnerable to eachother so you choose the living room chair that has its back towards his bedroom. Distracting yourself you pull your phone out just to see a text from Mila.
Mila đ
You canât help but laugh lightly at the message on your phone which is when Rafe returns to the room now clad in grey sweats and white T-shirt that strained across his pecs perfectly. You hated him. He knew exactly what he was doing putting that outfit on. âSomething funny?â
âJust my friend Mila, when I told her I was going out with you I guess she didnât really expect youâ he snorts as he sits on the couch kiddie corner to your own seat. You donât miss the way he spreads his legs apart and gets comfy as if he hasnât sat all day.
âI assume that was the girl behind the bar?â he says and you nod, shoving your phone back into your pocket. âSo weâre not telling anyone then?â
âI guess not, I was too embarrassed to tell my friends it wasnât realâ you tell him and he nods before sitting up.
âItâs better that way anyway, less chance of getting caughtâ he says and you agree. If anyone found out youâd be mortified and youâre sure Rafe would be too.
âI told them we met at the bar, so if you tell your friends we should probably stick to that storyâ you tell him and he nods, hating that this felt awkward.
âThat bar, you have a waitress. Red head, green eyesâ and you hate the way your heart thumps in your chest. You had liked so many boys your whole life and every time you had been looked over for someone else, one of your friends. You hated that it was happening now with your own fake boyfriend.
âCallie, yeah. Sheâs a sweetheartâ you nod as normal as you can but you couldnât even hold a candle to that girls beauty. Sheâs 20, skinny, beautiful.
âCan you apologize to her for me? My friends were assholes the other day and I know she over heard them. Iâve felt guilty about it sinceâ Callie had told you about this today. Two assholes saying she was unattractive. You remembered thinking if they found her unattractive imagine what they thought of you. Now knowing Rafe was at that table you felt even more nervous about this agreement between you two.
âYeah, Iâll tell herâ you agree with a forced smile and he nods before standing up.
âWell, letâs get cookingâ he says with a clap of his hands and you give him a confused look.
âI agreed to dinner, not cooking itâ you tell him and he laughs as he helps you to your feet.
âYouâll like this, promiseâ he tells you which is how you find yourself at his kitchen island making your own pizzas. You laugh each time he attempts to throw the premade dough and you put more pepperoni than physically possible on each slice. You do it just to annoy him though which you learn is really fun. Once youâve destroyed the kitchen youâre both laughing at each otherâs stories while sharing a bottle of wine and the messy pizza you both had made.
âHowâd you get into owning that bar?â Rafe finds himself asking, noting how you picked at the slice of pizza on your plate. He knew it was because you were nervous to eat in front of him. That someone had probably made fun of you for eating and now to eat in front of others needed trust.
âFate. Sort of. When I was twenty I graduated with my associates in business and I was searching everywhere for a manager position. That was when I found the bar. It was a hot spot and the owner didnât feel like running it anymore. He liked that I was young, a fresh face. He sold it to me for practically nothing and now itâs basically my homeâ you briefly tell him the story and Rafe nods, soaking in how different your story was from his own. You had grew up practically on the same island as him and you had never known him.
âSo youâve been there ever since?â and you nod, pressing the rim of the wine glass to your lips. Reveling in the fact that is was the only thing keeping you calm in this handsome manâs presence.
âYeah, and I really love it. I meet so many new people and work with my best friends everyday. I get to sleep in tooâ Rafe laughs as you say this, somehow figuring it made sense that you werenât a morning person.
âHave you ever been in love?â the question catches you off guard and Rafe doesnât miss the way you suck in a sharp breath at the question.
âIâd like to think I have, but Iâm not so sure anymoreâ you say and he nods, deep in thought as he sips from his own wine glass.
âSameâ he tells you and just as before you realize you and Rafe are two sides of one coin. Probably doomed, to torn up from the cruel world around you. Your worlds were two different places and maybe thatâs the way things should be. Doing this was stepping into enemy territory and at the end of the day maybe you werenât proving anybody, just proving something to yourselves. Either way, you didnât want to leave him behind now.
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hi!! iâve recently been struggling with my eating disorder, and i was wondering if you could do a hobie x gf!reader where reader is having a really hard time eating and he comforts her and helps her eat? lots of physical touch and words of affirmation if possible - and if this req is uncomfy i get it !!
Awww hon I hope this helps you feel a bit better!
Let Them Eat Cake (Or Something)
Soft!Hobie x Fem!Reader
TW/CW: Eating Disorders/Anorexia, hints of depression, bullying, some mental trauma, back at it again with the fluffy bullshit (Hobie also makes an inappropriate promise but nothing is detailed lol)
A/N: I myself struggle with eating disorders brought on by financial strains and mental issues (still do) so I totally understand this kinda thing!
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It was the little things Hobie did to take care of you that most people probably couldn't imagine someone of his niche to do.
Things like peeling off the nutrition labels to things you'd buy at the grocery store so you couldn't stress over the calories (or lack thereof), buying those meal replacer shakes for you to try when you didn't want to eat; hovering over (respectfully) when you prepared your meals, saying little things to encourage you to fill your plate more.
"Ay, you should try this. Saw it online and heard it tastes pretty good with that, yeah?"
"Jus' a bit more, I can still see some on ya plate there. Almost done and it's less stuff wasted, right?"
He would even call or text you to eat one of the little snack baggies he'd prepped you full of healthy snacks. Even if it wasn't a full meal, helping you eat throughout the day brought him peace of mind so he wouldn't worry about you wasting away.
He'd read up on eating disorders and didn't like it one bit, so he devoted half his time with you around meals more focusing on you, even while he scarfed down his own portions.
Hobie had an insane metabolism, it was like he was constantly eating something in some way or another to keep himself going, and at some point you'd joked he had a black hole for a gullet.
But still, he would watch you out of the corner of his eye, taking your little mouse nibbles here and there, sipping your drink...
He knew that bringing it up front would only upset you, so he'd do little things to distract you from your thoughts of your food. He'd play little games with you. Like 20 questions. If you got one wrong, you'd have to eat another bite of your food. It would continue like that until your food was gone and you didn't realize it.
A punk with a heart of gold, Hobie Brown was. Though he'd never admit it out loud, even the members of his band would snort and laugh at how soft he was with you; though they understood completely why.
Today, you and Hobie went out for lunch, and you two attracted more than a few curious glances at your contrast in styles when you sat down to order. People just loved to stare, didn't they?
You idly played with your chips, pushing them around on your plate, your chicken sandwich sitting with just a few bites taken out of it.
"Ay, luv. Eyes bigger than your stomach, again?" Hobie asked, sipping his pop.
"Yeah... I just didn't think there'd be so much of it. I just..." You sigh, feeling defeated.
You'd had this problem since you were barely a teenager, and it only got worse after time. At least you stopped making yourself vomit up all your food.
You remember how badly it went when your mother caught you doing that.
In truth, you only started starving because... well. In school you were always insulted by the "prettier" girls. You'd always assumed you were pretty too, that's what your parents and relatives would always say. But being in the face of a gaggle of obnoxiously made-up girls rag on you in the lavatory, in gym class, or lunch... the pressure to be "thin" was hammered into you. If you looked like them, they would leave you alone.
And from there it went. You'd tried dating before, but none of your partners ever took care of you. Hell, one of them practically encouraged it and showed you diet pills online. You broke it off pretty quick after that.
Hobie was honestly the first to not automatically suggest you get locked in a mental ward, or just force yourself to scarf portions that were too much for your shrunken stomach to handle. Hobie was gentle and sweet, understanding with you.
Like he was right now.
"Well we can box it up and you can toast it up for later, alright?" He suggested.
His own plate was empty and your still practically full one wasn't lost on him. But he knew that directly pointing at the elephant in the room would only upset you.
His boot nudged your foot under the table and he gave you a smile, his eyes lighting up.
"Yeah.... yeah I can do that." You smile back sheepishly, letting Hobie flag down the server so he could pay (his treat, after all) and get you a to-go box.
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Later that night, Hobie had reheated some leftovers from the night previous and toasted your chips and sandwich for you to finish off again; because ugh, nobody enjoyed soggy microwaved chicken and chips. And if they did they were a complete loon.
You sat snuggled up on the sofa, your food in your lap as Hobie's characteristically empty plate lay on the coffee table next to his propped up feet as the program droned on the television in front of you.
His hand rubbed your arm lazily up and down in a soothing motion as his eyes flicked down to your plate.
"You gon'a finish that, luv?" He hummed softly, kissing the top of your head.
"I..." You sighed down at the plate in your hands.
"'S all right." He mumbled into your hair. "But ya do worry me, baby. How about this... if you finish your food.... hm."
He looked at the ceiling and you could tell that he was faking thinking of something serious.
You knew it especially when he gave you a cocky smirk.
"If you finish your food, I'll do that thing you really like, for you, eh?"
"Hobie!" You snort, rolling your eyes at him.
"Oh? Not what you want, hm? How about..." He tapped his chin with his free hand, once again making a grand gesture of "deep" thought.
"Fine fine... how about we go to that li'le art museum you've been goin' on about?"
Your eyes light up and you look at him.
"Really?"
"Yep! Really. But only if you finish your food." He put a finger under your chin and kissed your nose.
"And eat breakfast tomorrow."
"Deal!"
Hobie smiled to himself as you tore into your food with motivation.
Being Spider-Man didn't always mean fighting the oppressive regime they were stuck with. It wasn't always about thwarting criminals in the streets.
Sometimes it was about coming home and making sure his girlfriend had enough to eat.
And that was plenty for him.
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His pretty girl | CL16
Pairing: black!plus size!fem!reader (she/her pron.) x charles leclerc
Warnings: curse words, twitter environment, one hate comment, fluffffff, not proofread etc etc. Minors DNI!
Summary: Fans start to notice Charles around an influencerâs profile and its essy to put two and two together to discover just how in love he is.
an1: This imagine is just a small reminder that you deserve love and appreciation it doesn't matter your size and shape. You are beautiful and you are enough and you donât need to change a thing to fit in â¤ď¸
a/n2: none of the pictures used are mine, they are all from Pinterest and other apps. everything else is made up by me and I do not give permission for it to be published on a different platform. I would appreciate it if those things could be taken into consideration đ
my masterlist | my taglist
yourusername
liked by charles_leclerc, and others
yourusername đĽ
view all 3,459 comments
yourbestie the prettiest!
user1 WHAT IS CHARLES LECLERC DOING HERE????
countryswift đđđđđđ I absolutely loved the outfit
randomrain the glasses and hairstyle on point!!
yourusername
liked by pierregasly, lilymhe, and others
yoursername it is my birthday and I sure am looking like a present đ¤đž
view all 5,289 comments
ririumbrella happy birthday, yn!!!
goldenhour1990 The yellow dress is everything to me! đ
lilymhe LOOKING GOOD, BABYYY
charles_leclerc Happy Birthday, pretty girl â¤ď¸
⤡ tripletifosi ARIANA WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE????
⤡ yourusername đâ¤ď¸
charlessainz now thats sus, first he likes, then he comments calling her pretty girl đď¸ďż˝ďż˝ďż˝đď¸
ferrariwinningstreak Yâall reading too much fanfic, its just a comment, chill
haterrandom Yo did charles leclerc really called a fat girl pretty??? đ¤Łđ¤Łâ ď¸
⤡ yourusername how is that you know how to bully people online but you dont know how to read?
⤡ rainbowmerc sHE ATE HAHAHAHAH ILY QUEEN
yourusername
liked by pierregasly, lilymhe, and others
yourusername Proud to announce that my lip gloss will be launching in a couple of months đđ more infos at ynthebrand.com
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francisca.cgomes OMG This color looks fantastic, Yn!!!! đ
charles_leclerc nice lips
⤡ russelracing I- is he flirting??!
⤡ carlossainz55 not smooth, not smooth at all, charles
monacoprix1 why half of the f1 crew is here?
⤡ lechair16 they are clearly trying to help charles get the girl
user1 whereâs the eyeliner from?
⤡ yourusername its from my brand, honey! You can find it at ynthebrand.com, the reference is 163 đ
mercedes44 Yn is so pretty and so kind, I am sorry but Im now a stan
charles_leclerc
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charles_leclerc đ such a pretty view
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charlesleprince you are indeed đ
pierregasly me and kika are mad we were not invited!
⤡ francisca.cgomes I am not, heâs lying! I was actually pretty happy you took the time to share with her and only her đđ
gaslygaslight IS THAT A SOFT LAUNCH I SEE????
winnerwinter I am so glad I am alive to see Charles Leclerc date a plus size black girl đđžđđžđđžđđžđđž I wont ever feel sadness again, my life is complete
interlagosf1 You can tag Yn, we know its her
sainzswift I will be personally reporting and trying to delete any hate comments against my new fav couple
yourusername
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yourusername *insert here that smart remark sebastian vettel made*
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scuderiaferrari Everybody is a ferrari fan â¤ď¸ we are happy to have you, Yn!
⤡ 164455f1 you mean sheâs gonna be in the paddock today?!
charles_leclerc woah, you look good in red đ
summertimecharless Charles Leclerc is so whipped I am loving to see it hahahaha
lilymhe đđđđđđ
user19 She keeps getting prettier
yourusername
liked by francisca.cgomes, lilymhe, and others
yourusername get yourself a man who gives you flowers just because đđ
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taylorandf1 what if I want yours, Yn? đ
charles_leclerc nice boyfriend this one you have
⤡ yourusername heâs quite the catch, I am glad I gave him a chance đ
brightsideee Charles giving his gf flowers without a reason is the reason why my bar keeps getting higher
fantasticf1 You just called me single in 7 languages. I donât know 7 languages, but I know these pics called me single
fan2000 She looks like an angel, I 100% understand Charles, I would do anything for her too
charles_leclerc
liked by yourusername, pierregasly, and others
charles_leclerc life with you is so much better, I am the happiest after you showed up đ
tagged: yourusername
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carlossainz55 happy for you, Charlito
yourusername I love you â¤ď¸
⤡ charles_leclerc je tâadore â¤ď¸
⤡ fan47 HE ADORES HER AS IN HE WORSHIPS HER đđđ Im waiting for my turn, God!
taylorsversion22 Its their world, we just living in it
grandprincemonaco charles leclerc official profile is now a yn fan account? I support it
********************
If you liked it, make sure to like and reblog <3 feel free to talk to me as well, my inbox is always open! And I will start a taglist on my posts, to be part of it you just gotta comment/send an ask saying so, and most important: have your age in your profile (I donât interact with minors!). See you guys next post! <3
#charles leclerc x reader#charles leclerc social media au#charles leclerc imagine#charles leclerc x plus size!reader#f1 plus size!reader#charles leclerc x black!reader#f1 social media au#f1 imagines#f1 x black!reader#charles leclerc x you#millies original#plus size!reader#cl16#f1 x plus size!reader
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