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greyzone · 7 years ago

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‘IS THIS IT?!!!’

I woke up this morning and had a panic attack whilst in the shower. I have only had a couple of these in my life – and all of them triggered by varying versions of this one thought;

‘Is this it?’

Perhaps my lack of sleep pushed my emotions into overdrive, ultimately prompting this visceral response. However, this isn’t my first rodeo. It lies deeper than I’d care to admit. I know I won’t be able to figure this shit out in one article, so I’m sure this will be a recurring theme – just an FYI readers!

I’ll tell you what I do know – this feeling of anxiety transcends all major aspects that make me, me; job, career, relationships, body issues, family, societal expectations, hobbies. And they usually pop up one at a time. They surface, say hi, we have an argument and then everything returns to normal. But this morning’s volcano of emotions felt like every single issue I have, wanted their five minutes stage time simultaneously. Every fucking voice in my head was so loud, it took all my strength to try and quiet them. And six hours into my day, they still haven’t shut up.

COOL! Happy Monday, am I right?!

To make it easier (for me) I’m going to focus on just one voice today.

I call her, Norma-Jean. She’s in charge of my career path and job.

And this morning she asked ever so vibrantly whilst I was trying to prepare for the day, is this it? Is this our life, Jen? A sometimes actress with no ambition or drive? A try-hard who would rather eat pizza than make change? A full-time office worker, who doesn’t care to raise the bar?

Well, Norma-Jean, firstly - thank you for interrupting my morning and turning me into a inconsolable blubbering mess. I really LOVE this kind of start to my week. And secondly, no - I don’t want this to be it.

I want more. I crave growth and purpose. But I’m clutching at straws because there’s nothing that I am passionate ENOUGH about or care ENOUGH about to warrant chasing. And I thought I’d have this shit locked down by now, you know? 15-year-old Jen, was like – yeah, by the time I’m 30, gonna be hot, a successful actress, married and babies - BOOM. Fast-forward 16 years and I’m none of those things. And what’s more, Norma-Jean, is I don’t think I want them anymore.

(I feel like if Norma-Jean was a real character, she’d be looking at me blankly. Maybe only blinking now and then. Mouth agape).

I’ll continue my rant, shall I?

I thought I wanted to be an actor, Norma-Jean. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been performing. Magic shows. Singing. Dancing. Monologuing the shit out of Shakespeare. But, in all honesty, I really can’t be bothered anymore. The politics that comes with this industry (well, all industries, right?) the networking, the chumminess, the conversations, the smell of desperation, the incest, the constant smiles, the harrassment, the impact every ‘no’ had on me when I was fresh to the game - it takes its toll. I moved to Melbourne for you, Norma-Jean, in the pursuit of our acting career. And yeah, I have done some cool stuff along the way to make up for the sacrifices I’ve made (guest role on Neighbours, Utopia, Newton’s Law, recurring role on The Wrong Girl – currently the face of FLYBUYS, which is the most random thing I’ve ever been selected for!) But, I’m still working full time to pay for this acting habit and I’m no-where near where I thought I’d be.

So, if I’m honest, Norma-Jean, I’m tired. I just don’t care enough about acting anymore to put all of my energy into it. And this gear change in energy and passion is also devastating to admit, because I’m grieving my childhood dream. And I don’t have a new one to grasp onto, Norma-Jean!

People in this industry have always said, if there’s anything else you’re passionate about, do that instead. Well, Mr AdviseIDidn’tAskFor, what if I don’t have anything else that I’m passionate about? AND what if the one thing I’ve got a degree in, spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on, have sacrificed so much time, energy, and emotions for, just doesn’t blow my skirt up anymore? What am I supposed to do now, huh? What dream am I chasing?

The same kind of people also say, stay creative – do something within the arts. What the fuck does that mean? I’ve only ever wanted to act, and now that that’s a ghost of dreams past, what do you suggest?

Directing?

Nah.

Drama-turg?

Nah.

Producer?

Nah.

Don’t fucking care.

I also see the other talent out there, and you know what – they’re just better. I don’t admit defeat – but they just have more gusto and edge than I do. They like going to networking events and being in the know. They like being in the pocket of casting directors. They like looking good and dressing well. They like breaking down scripts and challenging themselves. They like finding work outside of acting but still in the industry. Me? These days, I’d rather sit in my lounge room and wait for Steven Spielberg to knock on my door, than try knocking on his. Acting has turned into a ‘hobby’. And I think ‘hobby’ is too strong a word.

I just cannot be bothered with anything, anymore, Norma-Jean. My job, my supposed ‘career’ – none of it. And there’s nothing else I can think of that makes me go, ‘oh yay, I’m gonna get out of bed and do that!’ I’m waiting for that lightbulb moment. I’m waiting to replace you, Norma-Jean! For something or someone to walk around the corner and say, ‘Hi! I’m Judy! I’m your new career path! Let’s make magic together!’

But…I can’t do this yet because;

I don’t know what I want.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

I don’t know what makes me happy.

I don’t know what motivates me.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY FUCKING LIFE.

How am I supposed to find a new dream to chase when there’s nothing that curls my tail? How am I supposed to figure out a new path when I don’t want to be the captain or the pilot? How am I supposed to figure out my next steps when none of my shoes fit anymore?

So, thank you Norma-Jean for reminding me of how lost I am. If you need me, I’m going to be in my office, working my full time job that’s going no-where, pondering my existence and the reason why I even bothered to get up this morning. FML.

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greyzone · 7 years ago

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JEN-SMASH!!! Part 2

Let’s pick it up where we left off. I’ve confirmed a vacate clean for Monday morning, 8am.

My partner takes the burden of having to be there and deal with it all, as this apartment is closer to his work than mine. Upon arrival, he's encouraged to pay via online transfer or cash in hand rather than credit card. The reason? Apparently, the company they work for takes a higher cut from their earnings if we pay via credit card. But this is not our problem! Being guilt tripped into paying in a format which we weren’t planning is strike number 1 for me!

(Veronica now has one hand on the wheel).

THEN they charge $20 more than the original quote. WTF for?

(Now both hands).

Being the calm, level headed and caring man he is, he pays the new fee and does so via online transfer.

He calls me and tells me what happened and boom - VERONICA. She immediately pushes calm Jen to the side and takes centre stage.

I contact the company I booked them through immediately and bless the heart of the pre-pubescent sounding girl who answers my call, because she's about to deal with the unreasonable Madam Mim (shout out to my Disney fans!) In dealing with these situations, I do know this about myself. I don't yell. I don't swear. I am just ridiculously direct, assertive and borderline aggressive. Ok, I'm aggressive. Veronica likes to have a serious voice - so I'm about an octave lower than how I usually sound. I am sharp and to the point and use buzz words like 'miscommunication', 'disappointing', 'refund' blah blah blah. I do say 'I know it's not your fault, so please do not take this personally' (patronising much?). However, I’m still aggressively speaking with a 10-year-old about something she's attempting to resolve - not very well mind you - becasue none of her options are acceptable offers in Veronica’s opinion. Now, I work in customer service and have done so for most of my adult life. So, customer-resolution is something that I am used to. But, I am not great at dealing with it or resolving anything. I love passing the buck too. So much easier to say, 'I'll pass this onto management' than dealing with it myself. And… sometimes I still find myself saying this line, even though I am the management these days. Which is weird, because I'll deal with it in the end anyway, but just not in that moment. Veronica also LOVES hiding behind a telephone to inform the other party of how dissatisfied she is. And it’s true! IT IS SO MUCH EASIER than dealing with it in person. And as I write all of this out, I realise, that Veronica is a coward - so therefore, I am a coward. Not facing the other party is a luxury. Kinda like breaking up with someone - I really try to be the bigger person and do it face to face, but then end up texting them. Maybe that's just me. Well… that's how I officially ended my marriage. But that story is for another time, ha! #millennial

So anyway, I am speaking in an unnecessarily antagonistic tone to this lovely young woman, at 8:30am on a Monday. With the benefit of hindsight, I've tried to put myself in her shoes and this is what I come up with;

Maybe this is probably her first full time job out of high-school.

Maybe she met a cool person on the weekend and was sharing her news with her colleagues about how fab her date was.

Maybe she just moved to this city from a small town and is chasing dreams.

Maybe she's just a young sounding woman and she is just doing her thing, whatever that thing may be.

Bu then, Veronica calls and carelessly tramples her pretty flower garden and ruins everything. I'm like Godzilla or King Kong, or even the T-Rex in Jurassic Park: 2 (The Lost World) that stamps her way through San Diego. I am just murdering the start of the working week because of a measly $20 and the inability to pay via credit card. And still my question of what the extra $20 is for hasn’t been answered.

At this point, my heart is racing and my blinders are on. Veronica is running this show.

THEN, the cleaner texts me to say that they have been advised to STOP CLEANING until our method of payment has been confirmed. As a reminder, WE HAVE ALREADY PAID.

And then, she calls me. Now the big bad wolf is ready to dine.

Stay tuned for part 3.

Here’s the link;

https://greyzone.tumblr.com/post/169831461861/jen-smash-part-3-final

#thirtyandfailing #womenintheirthirities #thirtyflirtyandthriving #angrywomen #angryjen #angrylady #disneyfans #disney #disneyvillain #disneyvillains #nodiea #whoami #whatamidoingwithmylife #shouldntiknowbynow #sigh #lifecansuck

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