#nobodys online rn so i cant post shit like this

[quenthel]

oughughug ed stuff (also some tmi stuff)

i have been recovering from my ED pretty well... learning how to enjoy meals and not overeat all the time im even a little bit distressed/ reward myself with other stuff than food so my relationship to meals have changed... i also got much more into cooking than i was bc of dunmeshi too and i enjoyed the philosophy of cooking and eating meals from that manga so much legit helped me a ton to think about it more and really internalize it. Like reading that manga really made me reconsider what i think of food and that made it easier for me not to fall back into old bad mindsets as much (but i do sometimes still its a work in progress)

And like I lost a lot of weight bc of this (i just eat a little less move a little more and give more time and thought to my meals) like its been still a struggle for me esp in the beginning and by this point im losing weight very slowly like it took me 8 months to lose 10kg while the first 8 i lost in like 2 months. And while this food journey was overall good for my mental my body got much much weaker psychically esp my endurance because its a large change. Im not sad about it because being overweight (and still being overweight lol) was making me miserable (and the societal hatred for fat people was part of that ofc, but also mostly it was caused by some beliefs i have about my own self worth its a big issue) but I feel like no weight loss post or story or anything talks about this. I also started to exercise and so far some of it has been harder but some of it has been easier. And i still need to work a lot on appreciating my own body and truly inhabiting it in a sense like being at peace with it and not fighting it and connect to my own body as its part of myself and not just something im in. Like its part of me. Funnily enough the times i really felt that connection were the times I was spending a lot of time together with other people like irl (when i had a huge friend group and we drank a lot together or when i was w my ex lol).

Like at this point i weigh less than i ever remember weighing (even in my teens lol) and i still have a long way to go. But i would not have done it without being supported by my friends and parents like i dont think anybody can come out of toxic mindsets without opening those doors and asking for help or knowing that they HAVE to do it for other people (like my dad recovering from alcoholism because he was scared he will die before seeing my brother and me grow up). Also its funny that around the time i started really thinking abt my own body and my health and really asking for help (in therapy too) to make me truly healthy, not working on it in isolation like i did after beating disco elysium was around the time i started thinking abt being trans too. Like realizing that my body is me made me think more about my own gender too. I’m also thinking a lot abt starting HRT but that would be impossible for me bc of my country (idk if i can even do that abroad but maybe...) but I don’t want to yet since I want to establish my body mind connection first and THEN see if i still feel like I should.

Anyway im around halfway done with my weightloss plans and its been 9 months. I originally wanted to recover fully and reach that weight and develop habits to exercise regularly in 2 years but since im moving soon i might not be able to focus on this as much or maybe its going to get easier... who knows. I still feel like I’m a work in progress tho both bc of therapy and bc of this but also because i really feel like im JUST starting to become more of an adult because im thinking about these things (and its making me more sad that i cant be financially independent yet but im trying to be patient). But it feels like im currently at a point of my life when im changing for the better overall and while I struggle a lot its not as bad as it was before so thats pretty hopeful...

[damnfandomproblems]

5305, replying to the following set of asks:

-

Rightfully blocked my ass, you started shit and now you're just mad im fighting back. Replyblockers when they can dish it out but cant take it lmfao. I have a bio btw so something is wrong with your device methinks. Get off the internet if you cant handle "I'll kill you" jokes I know you dont hold that same energy for people who you arent starting shit with. "I hope he explodes" and "ripping you apart rn" have always been things people say online nonseriously, grow the fuck up.

also fuck you mean my blog is stuffed with wanting to kill people are you actually insane?? its all memes, what fucking blog are you looking at because it sure isnt mine, weirdo

also fuck you mean my blog is stuffed with wanting to kill people are you actually insane?? its all memes, what fucking blog are you looking at because it sure isnt mine, weirdo

"you clearly have anger issues" no im fucking TIRED. you replyblocked me when you could have just left me the fuck alone. literally what was the point aside from getting a rise out of someone that you knew you could get a rise out of because they're SICK of people like you. "why bother with asks" because you made it impossible to reply to you while you get to reply to me. its 100% safe to assume youve sent the asks because youve been insufferable. either dm me like an adult or just leave me alon

-

I don't think the person who blocked you is sending any asks to this blog. You know why? Because I've been sending them. You're coming off like a rabid, immature twat with nothing better to. A random person said they have no interest in talking to your sorry ass, which could've ended the interaction with then and there, but instead you freaked out because, for god knows what reason, you just couldn't let things go, so now you're vomiting all over the inbox of this blog for me and everyone else to see. Delightful. Mark of a mature person.

Nobody cares you're "fighting back". The blocker is amused because of how much you're overreacting, they don't seem "mad". Someone who blocks you isn't a "replyblocker", there's always a last person to talk in an interaction that one party doesn't want to be in. Who gives a shit if you don't get the last word.

No, hofnarrofficial, you do not have a bio.

Read the other ask at 756577560112005120 about people not tolerating jokes about killing people. Nobody said you actually wanted to kill someone. Your blog is stuffed with jokes about killing people. Take the hint.

"Weirdo" insult, that's rich. Coming from the person going on anon to continually harass someone who has, to their credit, actually put their profile behind what they say.

Yes, you do have anger issues. You've sent what, at least five asks following the moment where someone blocked you. You're the one keeping this going, mate. I'm sure a lot of people are looking at your post and rolling their eyes because they want you to shut the fuck up, myself included. But maybe that was your plan? People don't pull this diva crap unless they desperately need attention.

"because you made it impossible to reply to you while you get to reply to me." They didn't want you to reply to them. They. Blocked. You. My god. My eyes cannot roll any further back into my head.

"either dm me like an adult or just leave me alon" Yelling into the phone: They. BLOCKED. YOU.

Go outside.

Posting as a response to a previous problem.

Also including an additional response from earlier:

Anon:

The backpedaling is real with the House fans today.

[whumpy-wyrms]

are u in any fandoms? what are ur interests besides whump? u don’t have to answer i’m just curious!!

someone’s asking me about my interests i can’t NOT answer

this got a bit long tho so i’m putting it under the read more for people who don’t care/are only here for the whump

OKOK. so i’m kinda in the starkid/nerdy prudes must die fandom rn but i know for a fact if i finished adventure time and started watching fiona and cake, that would quite literally become my entire personality for the next 3 months because simon and prismo (and marceline and princess bubblegum and all my other favorite characters) make me insane. but i haven’t done that because well. i’ve gotta write tllr yknow..

anyway, my absolute most favorite pieces of media of all time are undertale and deltarune guys. i cant put in words how much those games mean to me holy shit. as i’m writing this i’m sitting next to my jevil and sans and spamton plushie and they are saying hi. anywayyy yeah i was in the deltarune fandom for a bit it was fun. spamton is silly fucked up creature. jevil is my all time favorite tho

AND THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES… my favorite thing ever fr. y’all. LISTEN TO TMA SERIOUSLY YOU’LL PROBABLY LIKE IT!! it’s a horror podcast and it’s seriously the best fuckinf thing ever it’s so amazing seriously. it’s a bit hard to get into at first because season 1 is less story driven BUT HOLY SHIT. AHHHH ITS SO FUCKING GOOD. jon is one of my favorite blorbos ever and so is michael because he’s a silly distortion guy. just trust me and listen to TMA it will actually change your life.

also i love the amazing world of gumball so fucking much. i wasn’t allowed to watch cartoon network as a kid (idk why??) so i first watched tawog last year and holy shit holy shit it’s my favorite thing ever. rob. ROB!!!! ROB IS MY ALL TIME FAVORITE CHARACTER. SO IS MR SMALL. AHHHH!!!! anyway i love tawog i’ve drawn a lot of fanart and even wrote a 60k word fanfiction (about what happens after The Inquisition because that ending fucked me up) that i’ve Never and will probably never show anyone because it’s probably Not that good. but it was sooo Important to me back then. tawog just means so much to me it :))) it changed me as a person. nobody’s a nobody and everybody is weird like you and me.

i also really like hollow knight! i haven’t played it in a while but i was at 111% completion on one of my playthroughs (CURSE YOU PANTHEON 4). i’m also super fucking excited for silksong obviously and i will say this now: WHEN SILKSONG FINALLY RELEASES… i will probably go on hiatus here LMAO. sorry but guys. SILKSONG…. honestly same for new deltarune chapters. the second chapters 3, 4, and 5 release it is sooo over for me. i probably won’t post much here for a few months during that. but that’s fine!! i’ll never abandon tllr but sometimes some things are more important to my silly little brain :3

gravity falls quite literally changed my life in 2018. like i can’t even explain it, but it’s how i was introduced to online fandoms and fanart in general. dipper LITERALLY made me trans (not literally but pretty much). it’s how i started watching other amazing cartoons and series i love, it’s literally what made me get into drawing art and writing and stuff. it’s what made me start making ocs. it literally made me an artist guys. which is how i started writing. without gravity falls and it’s effect it had on me, this account might have never existed?? i’m being super dramatic but wowww. i was so autistic about that silly cartoon

minecraft i love. i’ve been playing minecraft for over a decade and won’t stop because it’s like, probably a special interest of mine? i’ve watch minecraft youtubers forever too, hermitcraft and the life series are my favorite. i’m a huge grian fan too, been watching him since the evo days. anyway if u play minecraft and wanna play with me sometime, feel free to ask!!! :D i love making new friends and playing video games with people!!! let’s make a world together!!!

also i like terraria and stardew valley, and animal crossing new horizons but i haven’t played that in a few years. hmm other games i like are oneshot game, NITW, omori, celeste, cuphead, fnaf (although i’ve only played the first 5 games and am super super behind on the lore), ori, dead cells, untitled goose game (this is for u anon), and probably more i’m forgetting! feel free to recommend me some video games and we can even play together :3

other series i love are the umbrella academy. soooo autistic about this show it’s fucking AMAZING!!!!!! klaus is my favorite character. anyway i also like what we do in the shadows. it made me super autistic about vampires (before i watched this show i kinda thought vampires were cringe IDK WHY I’M SORRYY). the netflix show lucifer made me insane a few years ago and is what probably indirectly inspired me to give Dew wings. i also like our flag means death, breaking bad, moon knight, and camp here in there (another podcast i HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend, will wood made the soundtrack!)

i LOVEEE FINAL SPACE!! avocato has been my pfp on this account forever and now i feel like i can’t ever change it (i don’t want to). final space is seriously amazing!!! but it was cancelled and basically got fucked over by the networks- infinity train style. idk, stuff happened and it was removed from hbo max so there’s not really anywhere to watch it (legally) except for netflix international iirc? but it’s getting removed from that too i think. super fucking sad :( it ended on a huge cliffhanger too BUT there is a graphic novel being made!!!! super excited about that!

other cartoons i like are over the garden wall (dressed up as wirt for halloween last year), the owl house, adventure time, regular show, steven universe, infinity train, bojack horseman, rick and morty, mlp, the midnight gospel, and so much more i’m forgetting. OH anime i like are death note, demon slayer (haven’t caught up yet on the latest seasons tho), and MOB PSYCHO 100!! vampire in the garden on netflix is really amazing as well.

this is sooo long but now i gotta talk about my favorite music artists. WILL WOOD (AND THE TAPEWORMS) IS MY FAVORITEEE. I ALSO LOVEEE JHARIAH!!! AND HARLEY POE!!!!! top three of all time. i also like toby fox obviously, and glass beach (LITERALLY GOING TO SEE THEM IN MARCH AND I AM SOOO EXCITED!!!), mcr, shayfer james, weezer, mitski, lemon demon, set it off, tally hall, gerard way, and probably more i’m forgetting. i also like musicals!! (i was in the spongebob musical earlier this year for school! i was larry the lobster :))

so guys. GUYSSS. IF YOU LIKE MUSICALS, GO WATCH NERDY PRUDES MUST DIE!!!! OR JUST WATCH THE ENTIRE HATCHETFEILD TRILOGY!!! WHILE UR AT IT, WATCH ALL THE STARKID MUSICALS ACTUALLY!!! this is my current hyperfixation. the lords in black are amazing, npmd is amazing. i love everything about it. go watch it seriously, it’s fucking awesome and the soundtrack is AMAZING!!!

i think this is it. this got super long but i’m super passionate about my interests so yeah. this is pretty much everything. one very important thing (literally my special interest) that i didn’t mention are my other ocs. i have wayyy more ocs that are completely separate from the tllr ones. i don’t wanna post about them here though, cuz they’re not whump related and i want to keep my main account separate from this account. but they’re my favorite blorbos in existence so…

if u WANT to know about my other ocs, u can feel free to dm me for the username of my other fandom/oc account. that’s where i post other stuff that i don’t post here, like my fanart and my other oc stuff. i don’t post writing or anything like that there, so ur not missing out on that.

anyway those are most of my main interests! things i didn’t mention that im also really interested in are reptiles (snakes specifically), and animals in general. i have two leopard geckos named Lars and Alphys and i reallyyyy want a pet snake but my family hates snakes :(( anyway i’m rambling

thanks for the ask!!

[oswednesday]

waa @proceduralbob tagged me! thank youu

name: wednesday

pronouns: they/them

where do you call home?: without the right to roam, in a planet with boards and states and nationalities, this is kind of a faulty concept, people ask this sort of thing to judge your worth, sometimes i poke fun at people for like what state or city they live in but know its kind of in a post-ironic or whatever sort of way, i live online! but i suppose the geographical answer is the usa equating that with home feels gross, home feels personal and all encompassing, doesnt it?

favorite animal: im like, rabbit themed, so there's that of course i love so many animals i feel like i have a fave per genre of animals, im really into jellyfish , my fave owl is great horned, i also love flamingos and giraffes and bats and cockatoos

cereal of choice: i only eat cereal as intended like two months out of the entire year max, i like applejacks (with banana slices) and cocoa bunnies from the annie's brand (with strawberries) (cereal feels really naked without fruit on it!)

visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learner: im pretty sure this is something that gets taught in schools in conservative states cause no one gives a fuck whether its junk science or not, i Prefer someone to show me how, then walk me through it and then ill do it a bunch with assistance until i get it, but thats often so taxing to be vulnerable with someone else and not everyone has the patience for me so maybe like visual/kinesthetic/auditory in that order maybe? maybe thats just self fanfiction

first pet: fish! like the first animal i was aware of like, the concept of a pet like we have a pet in the house were two box turtles but those were like, my parents pets, they did not take good care of them! the first pet i consciously was like i want to keep and take care of them were fishes

favorite scent: (oops i forgot to remove the previous answer and fill this in)i have a lot of scents i like but rn i think murphy's wood oil soap!

do you believe in astrology: i think there are three "categories" of astrology

there is the math; the history and the culture and the arts and how much it like is apart of human history like that's real and inseparable from understanding the world around us you cant be like well thats astronomy because its also people folk lore and mythology of their cultures and belief systems and that kind of math was not separate from each other, it was used and is used as aid to make complicated numbers more digestible, as a way to memorize and to pass along oral traditions, its also a form of a people's wealth, so thats real yes

then there's social/economics/psychology of it like time periods coincide with ups and downs of wealth in a place like historically and its also like how the seasons impact people, what food is available, what sicknesses are more easily transmittable during certain seasons, which impacts somewhat the way we interact with the world as early age roles are set in by family, society, so on, thats real

then there's my cringe fetus in the womb is an aries i can feel the energies, that shits fake, but that feeds back into like point two and this point isnt any different than the other awful ways parents can interact with their children about 'metaphysical' matters

so i suppose yes i do, like, in a social science and a traditional art sort of way

how many playlists do you have on your music service of choice: i have a lot i like to make playlists a lot, maybe ill share them with the internet more often

sharpies or highlighters: highlighters are cute! sharpies have more use though, highlighters might win simply for the cute factor

song that makes you cry: once the pokemon 2 movie starts its ON <-the tears, from the ost for some reason

song that makes you happy: i listen to a lot of vashti bunyan and haruomi hosono for that feeling, oh maybe im not answering these correctly, i know nobodies got me like still alive (portal 2007)

and finally, do you write/draw/create: i do all kinds of gay stuff

[crayonverse]

Alright nobody asked or actually cares but here’s a bunch of my physical video games that I love

(long post)

Starting off weak: a bunch of my normal sims stuff. I have a lot of the sims 3 packs but they’re at my dads house (Along my with supernatural s1-15). i also have more sims 4 because i, stupidly, paid money for them (and i also dont understand how to pirate the rest)

Fantasy Life (best toh game ever I love it so much also one of the characters was accidentally trans coded please play this game🙏🙏h). also i could never complete the Bratz ponyz. i just kept cleaning the horses and then gave up lmao

Xbox games I can’t play because I don’t have an Xbox at my Mums and the one at my dads broke. I hope to find a new one sometime🫶. but also Viva Pinata is a brilliant game and is the best ever actually. everyone needs to a look a whirlim forever

Most goated Pokémon game ever. Real. God it’s so much fun I love this game sm. It was one of my first ever Pokémon games and I loved just running around and making friends. Truly amazing

Not games but movies I have. That arceus + the Lucario and mew movie were my only Pokémon media n shit. I rewatched them sm

When wii party and worms battle came out you know the sleepover got so good. the diseny enchatned princess was my childhood i just kept making a new princess and running around doing nothing

Switch games!!!!!!! I really like Pokémon games and eevee is my favourite little guy ever. i can never get far in ary bc my switch doesnt have enough space to keep playing :( it does seem cute with the small time i can play through

Scribblenauts has been like. One of my fav game series. Maxwell ur a sweet little man and I love him. also nintendogs those games have been so cute throughout my life. i love animals

i also consisently buy every single one of each of these games in their series bc they always slap so hard

The imagine series is also a staple those fucking things r COOL. ive just recently restarted my tomodachi island <3

PS3 stuff. Me and my dad used to play Rayman together

imagine teacher was my fav out of the imagine games i have. i got so invested in those fake preschoolers (the pottery level is the suckiest tho i hate it). moshi monsters cool tho i like it

Mod Nation was my mysims racing since i didnt have it and its. actually kinda fun. i think it also had an online element but idk if the servers are still active at this point. bugsnax is also revoulutionary play it play it play it play it

diseny universe was like a big game i kept trying to play with my friends but i think they fucking hated it LOL

my time at portia goated (saving up for the sequel rn)

outer worlds was also one of the only games i full on cried at the end. also at the time i ID'd as a asexual lesbian and Parvati, who was an asexual lesbian, made me feel very seen at the time. shes still my fav companion from that game.

lego dc supervillains has been my fav lego game so far and i hope more lego games are like it in the future because it was great

my lbp stack💪💪💪 i havent done much of A Big Adventure yet bc its more of an adventure game than the others and also you cant save normally in the game For Some Reason. like you cant just. save and quit. idk why that isnt in the game.

sorry for showing you all danganronpa

this has been my most recent video game. my dad went garage sale hunting and came back with two of these so i just stole one out of his boxes and took it home. havent played it yet but it looks cool

my sims games 💪💪💪💪💪💪 yes the fact that skyheroes is on the ps3 does in fact annoy me greatly no i will not tell my lovely mother that at all

ok yeah thats all the ones i want to show. i do have a bunch of other stuff but theyre not that cool

[amulieee]

TUMBLR INTRODUCTION HUZZAH!

omg guys you can do colours

today is the best day

anyway here’s a bit about me:

- i go by ame online and irl (barely anyone calls me it) but its not that difficult to figure out what its short for

- i cant figure tumblr out

- im mainly british but a bit german too (don’t ask me to speak it IM STILL LEARNING (deutsche tumblr-damen BITTE SCHREIBEN SIE MIR EINE NACHRICHT (danke!))

- i have the tism and it makes me AWESOME

- guys i love people so much PLEASE talk to me unless you’re CREEPY [EXTREMELY LOUD HAIRDRYER SOUND]

- i have some friends on here (actually that’s a lie only one of them follow me and the other two just don’t know my account (BUT I KNOW THEIRS [malicious emoji]) but i wanna talk to even more people cause i need cool tumblr ladies to hmu ASAP

- im not afraid of men i just love the ladies (hey ladies)

- i have a butt ton of hobbies like MUSIC and reading and games (ZELDA♥️) and MUSIC and collecting stupid stuff (i love those damn fugglers) and MUSIC

- i could go on for ages but we’d be here for a while so forget that

- intense music lover (guys music gcse is actually gonna be the death of me (BUT NOT AS MUCH AS ART HOLY SHIT?)

- guys idk

- i say i love plants but really if i took one under my care it’d be dead within a week (THEYRE PRETTY OKAY I JUST DONT HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN FOR THEM💔)

- guys there’s this one science teacher at my school who i DESPISE with all my existence and all my friends know who im talking about and they live with the anguish of hearing me talk about him for ages

- for the last 2 weeks ive been playing stardew valley NONSTOP guys its actually getting so bad im having HALLUCINATIONS (im doing shane route rn but if i make a new save im gonna do harveys one (HARVEY NOBODY KNOWS WHAT I SEE (guys please tell me you’ve heard this))

- my room is messy and i feel stinky rn sitting here making a tumblr post so i’m gonna shower

- guys i gotta go

TUMBLR LADIES WHERE ARE YOU?

[rv2xlga]

sigh. another shuake rant that literally makes no sense god be with me pls…

title speaks for itself. not in the best mood rn but i feel like transness was in the air today and even if it gloomy as heck, the air is more pretty.. hmmm sounds like transfeminism to me.

i always and i mean always fall for the transgirl characters even transgirl irl i love transness sm i love femininity, not feminine identifying myself but MY GOD feminine presentation is beautiful, all kinds. and yes, i have to make everything about shuake. i feel like one reason i really like them so much is cuz of my own projections onto them, its uhm.. a lot that goes into all that but in the general, i based akechi on someone i heavily care about and met last year (which when once talking to them told me about how they would think about transitioning like mtf when they grew older) and with that, was born my akechi transfemme headcanon. didnt realize it at the time, didnt realize many things but i also ended up learning apparently i have a thing for transfemme characters and just feminine presenting characters in general! like to list some characters i have hyperfixated on in the past esp in the art category goes from maya fey to saki tenma to akechi in that order and when it comes to some of favorite characters i wasnt able to draw more often due to a bunch of other stuff were characters like phoenix wright and mizuki akiyama and further in both lists is a bunch more. and its true i only listed two characters i really like headcanon as transfemme there but i see phoenix more of a feminine guy, still being cis but liking more pink girly “gay” shit lol and obviously the struggles that come with that. i see saki and maya as more femme girls liking pink and struggling with their femininity in a way that goes with sexuality and what it feels to be the femme one in a relationship or a feminine presenting woman which brings me into my bigger topic.

mi nina bella arquita (arca the singer lol) posted on her story a tumblr post about transfeminity and how difficult the experience is for trans women and mind you im not a trans woman myself but just knowing the experience of being a woman or being born female more like it like i cant imagine what that must be like to somebody who is new to that concept, even if it’s scientifically not very different, i can’t imagine learning that so late in life or whenever u learn it to someone treated as a complete outsider if that makes any sense. and again like i stated early and in no little more to my adhd i always think about akechi, its just a necessity atp. but he was somebody who never got the chance to even think about things like that, like i know what that experience feels like, as a trans person myself and mind you my upbringing was very different than his aside being born female and all, i had the time and the support even if very little and not the best to be honest to think on all those things but he didn’t he had nobody else. that even brings me to akira. i dont headcanon akira as transfemme at all i see him as transmasc very heavily to the point i treat it as canon but anywho, its the same sorta contrast. akechi is so closed off to the idea of his transfeminity, even i feel he would already know he’s gay and interact probably with others online who are, very distantly but yea lol i think he would be a stan twitter reveluv but to the idea of being trans and not just trans but transfemme, is a completely different story for him.

while on the other hand, i feel like akira would be so open to the idea. yea maybe he wouldn’t be outwardly telling everyone “HEY IM TRANS!!” yk lmao but thats not really pride, thats not really what it looks like contray to popular belief and also dont even get me started with the fear of the people around you, the first most prominent point. its a whole other fear a whole other level of boundaries that people cross just to know if you have boobs and a pussy or not, from personal experience its disgusting disturbing and just plain out insane. but i feel like with the right people that he trusts its something its more comfortable to share, even sharing with it sojiro despite his age and the fact that most adults don’t care to respect to understand transness. i feel like akechi would be so terrified to even think about it, the fear of even asking someone he knows is trans (little stalker lmao) because it forces him to think. and it makes others question yk you don’t really ask someone “hey what does it feel like to be trans” for a friend lol.

i also think about shuake as a whole too the fact that i think akechi would grow that level of comfortability to even ask at some point, probably right before he’d die but the effort was put you know? the question was asked, the barriers were broken and i think their love is so beautiful because even with anything and everything, akira would still be there for him. not just because akira loves him which to be honest, probably has a much bigger sentiment but in a way, that just sorta feels like an obligation right? akira wants to be there for akechi because he knows what that feels like even if, no he really doesn’t because being a trans woman and being a trans man are very different experiences it all ties back to the same string. men and women really aren’t that different, we’re all human and the literal same species. we all have brains and can think for ourselves and oh does the list go on. the experience is obviously very different societally, which can not be ignored with our current society but again, he wants to be there for him because hey, you’re a transgender person like me too. the support and comfort i never had. pushing that extra level of questioning and testing and support and validation and whatever it may be because yes being a transwomam not have been the same experience akira went through but he is still trans and in that simple word lies some kind of a connection and the type of support he was never given. he had to learn it himself and he’s just passing it onto akechi. like again again, yes he loves him but he knows what he needs and like ugh. that is just so beautiful i love solidarity

its so many things that make their relationship for me that i feel i will never find again. something so beautiful in the complex, no little thanks to my multiple personality disorders as if one wasn’t enough. something so beautiful in the support and love you can offer somebody and i wish wish wish wishh transphobia wasn’t such a PLAGUE in everything! like ugh naoto, the storyline you deserved… honestly fuck atlus with all my heart tbh♥

[funkylittledemon]

autism and emotions is so.... well it fucking sucks is what it is. i need my mind to slow down for a second to get all these thoughts down bc i will explode if i dont get them out there (hence why this post - only bee is gonna see this & knows me enough to be worried for more than an hour or so and if i put this where nobody can see it aint actually out there) (wassup bee dw i am okay)

anyway

i say that life is just getting to me rn and it is but thats too vague a statement. current affairs (an impartial term but a useful one here) are getting to me - I'm trying to navigate adulthood while it feels like the life i was promised is being taken away by whatever event you want to pick; global warming, late-stage capitalism, multiple genocides, the list goes on. and I'm one of the lucky ones!! how fucked up is that! so there's that constant stress hanging above my head.

then there's more abstract life: navigating uni and living alone and looking after myself while forming relationships and starting to try carve a path for myself. this one isn't as bad but still can't be ignored and the fact that interpersonal relationships have become so scrutinised through social media doesn't help. no matter the insecurity you have or your own specific factors there will be someone online telling you your worst fears are right - i cant say how many times ive scrolled past a reel saying that i havent had a message back because "he" doesn't care. does the person saying this even know I've seen it, let alone who i am or who "he" is? No!! but the sentiment sticks with you despite only seeing it for 3 seconds before scrolling on, despite logically knowing it can't apply to me because its a catch-all statement to everyone who feels insecure pushed onto us by an algorithm that thinks we want to hear that. social media is feeding into our fears and insecurities and we can't stop it. as an autistic person whos insecure as fuck and who knows they dont understand a lot of societal cues being told by some random person that im right to be insecure really doesn't help - i get the idea of something stuck in my head and bc i know its bs i try get it out which cements it further into my mind and lends it credence.

then there's uni itself - i am now faced with the realisation that everything leading me up to uni and my course has been about me helping other people, often to my own detriment. i chose a counselling course because i was always the therapist friend, the one who everyone else went to for help. and wouldn't you know it I've been burnt out for years and literally don't have it in me to help strangers, or give a shit about their lives. i cared so much and made my entire life about helping other people that i had no idea what i wanted to do. im switching to just psychology now, because it is interesting and i do enjoy it but im kind of lost now i dont have that purpose. it also scares me just how much of my life hadn't been about me at all and im still not sure who i am if im not helping someone. obviously thats the dramatic version but you get the gist. uni's been a wakeup call i wasn't prepared for and theres the work and exams on top of that

christ this is long. okay. what else was there. emotions. god i hate emotions. this is the hard bit. all my emotions are so so big and i am so so small and it feels like they would devour me whole if they could. anxiety is a big one. recently pretty much all ive been feeling is anxiety - a deep anxiety that makes me nauseous pretty much 24/7. last week on friday i had what i call a breakdown. i still dont understand it (which is scary enough - every other breakdown i can disect and point to the cause). i just sarted screaming in the middle of the street and couldn't stop and its making me anxious just typing this up. then there was a day of panic attack after panic attack (lost count after the 4th i think) and then a few days later and some bad decisions (booze. ik i shouldn't have drank but i thought i was ok to drink) i had another breakdown. i dont remember much of this one but it ended in me being locked out and sobbing - security had to let me in and it must've been bad bc the guy gave me a card with hotlines on it. (again, i am okay). i lost my leather jacket that night which both sucks bc i loved that jacket and also the fact that it's gone is a constant reminder of something im ashamed of. after that it was just this constant nauseating anxiety, occasionally spiralling into something more but not significant enough to include. the thing about me and emotions is that my strategy for dealing with them is to ignore and repress them until they're not my problem anymore. which is bad. but idk how to cope with them healthily and when i feel okay i never know if its because i repressed them again or because i genuinely feel okay. being around other people helps but thats probably not a great thing - i hide my emotions from other people to avoid being a burden. not that its always a bad thing that my friends make me feel better its just not a sustainable approach to constantly avoid being alone. i have this constant struggle of feeling emotions so intensely then feeling shame because of how intensely i felt those emotions or how they made me act.

going on from emotions fucking me over and moving on from Life being an issue anxiety is a fucking bitch. all my life I've felt like an outsider and so constantly nervous about everything. it was hell and then in 6th form i made friends who were so so confident and i finally started to relax a little bit more and not feel bad about taking up space. uni was even better! i had flatmates i loved and i was going out doing things I'd never dreamed of and i was making friends!! i barely recognised myself and i loved it!! then the breakdown happened and i was plunged headfirst back into the old cycle of anxiety and going back to that after feeling what life could be like? that was worse than the breakdown. it feels like ive never felt worse and the knowledge that theres no reason for it, that nothing had actually changed other than me and i could still be out there with confidence but i wasn't was such a crushing feeling it felt like i was never gonna feel okay again. dramatic i know but the truth.

im home for easter break now and typing this out has helped and going back to my old stomping grounds has shown me i have still changed and i do still have the confidence even if i couldn't access it for a hot min. I'm still anxious but thats okay. my emotions don't have an all poweful spell over me and anxiety can suck my dick. there's still the fear that I'll go back to uni and it'll all come rushing back however im just gonna see how this break goes. im gonna be alone whether i like it or not while im down here and if i can manage to be okay with that then I'll be fine. and i do have a support system both here and up at university.

[batslime]

God I finally deleted my main Twitter account and I wish I could do that with Tumblr but it would kill my art blog too 💀💀💀 I would hate to have to completely replicate it on a different account but I may end up doing it lmao

[angeloncewas]

dont wanna make this ask long bc i am tired and dont have the energy to be a well spoken (?) person rn but it probably will be long anyways, so sorry!! but like. as somebody who has hyperfixated on both idubbbz and schlatt (along with a plethora of other problematic content creators, i really know how to fuckn pick em!!) they absolutely foster a dogshit community, at least outside of platforms like tumblr, where like. you cant really avoid fandom culture like you can on twitter or ig, if that makes sense. on here, if you wanna post about your favorite youtuber, whether you tag it or not, other fans will likely see and if you say some bad shit, you will likely get called on it, whereas on ig basically only your followers will see it even if you use a hashtag and on twitter its like if you arent in a subtwt/fandom then you basically dont interact with any subtwt at all unless its an accident, ya know?

so like. i think what im trying to say here is that while ive met a lot of fans of both these creators, especially schlatt, who are great people as far as i can tell, i am also specifically on the fandom side of things and as soon as i step out of that space i realize that a lot of people who watch them are not actually minorities like me and my mutuals who can catch on to satire or who watch their more behind the scenes stuff where you can see them act like a decent person or even call out people for the things they usually joke about which just. fucking sucks. it sucks that, as much as i do believe schlatt is actually a good person (and sort of idubbbz, although i dont really watch him much anymore for a plethora of reasons, mostly related to the fact that i cant stand his jokes anymore even if he is playing a character as he's said before), he also keeps doing terrible fucking things and im really glad his actual friends have been calling him on it recently, especially after that jackbox video (which is a whole other thing on its own bc it literally seemed like nobody wanted to be there basically the entire video?? like as somebody who watched all the jackbox videos before that one, it was really fucking off in that call and the jokes were next level fucking upsetting), but sometimes it's just kinda like. exhausting. bc his community is already fucking bad now, you cant undo accidentally fostering a community of fucking racist homophobes who dont get that you're playing a character, unless you kinda drop off and build a whole new community from that, which would be stupid to do at this point in his career. not really sure where i was going with this tbh, but i thought i would chime in on this discussion as a viewer of mainly schlatt, but also a past idubbbz viewer who is basically a seasoned fucking vet at dealing with shitty fanbases because of him and many other dumb youtube white boys

(also, note on that anisa thing: ian's main fanbase was definitely pissed just bc she does sex work and a lot of them are too fucking young or just too fucking dense i guess to clock the fact that he's putting on an act bc, like i said before, they either dont watch his behind the scenes content, or they do and they kinda just miss those moments between still trying to entertain where he gets genuine. that being said, a lot of people outside of his fanbase were also pissy bc anisa is a less than spectacular lady if you really do your research on her, kind of a bad person but it's not something a lot of people know about, especially since one of the few videos made on it was by fucking creepshow art)

sorry for the rant again, i feel like i do this every other week now and i apologize, you just seem to have the best discourse and i enjoy partaking <3 hope you have a good rest of your day/night/whatever time you're reading this!

—����

Thank you for the input (don't mind the rant !) and I hope you have a good rest of your day too <3 For post length, I'll answer under the cut :)

Yeah, I get what you mean (I think ahdsufsd). Fandom as a concept is pretty... I don't even know how to describe it, but it's the kind of thing that I feel like white male Redditors would think of as pussy shit, y'know? Like the Ricegum gang isn't a fucking "fandom" they're a... well, a fandom, but they're not gonna admit to that. So when you step outside of a community like Tumblr (the queerest place on the internet TM) you come into contact with the faces of the fandom you're dealing with and oftentimes they're a lot less like you than you might've thought from the similar interest. It's like going to a Weezer concert and realizing you're surrounded by incels (this is a JOKE).

Satire's a rough topic because some people don't think it should exist at all. Like any words that can be directly interpreted as bigoted or problematic should not be uttered. I disagree with that, I think it's one of the most interesting forms of both social commentary and comedy, but I do see the problem. There are people who watched Filthy Frank (to take an example from that other anon) and didn't know or care what the point of his actions were (I don't know what they were tbh - I never watched him, but it sounds like he's a pretty decent dude) and instead read his jokes as-is. There are thousands upon thousands of people who aren't gonna get satire and that's a problem because if they're already bigoted they're gonna see people like Schlatt and iDubbz and whoever else as truly validating.

(Largely unrelated but yo, is iDubbz still going? Are the views alright? Is the adsense popping? Has he just kept going with Content Cops? I haven't heard about him since the girlfriend thing dropped.)

"you cant undo accidentally fostering a community of fucking racist homophobes who dont get that you're playing a character, unless you kinda drop off and build a whole new community from that"

I think this is what's pertinent when it comes to discussing Schlatt. After the Jackbox video (for me at least, he might've been there before) he put himself at a crossroads. If he'd apologized, said "sorry, I took it too far, that was a mistake" - yeah, plenty of people wouldn't have forgiven him and plenty of bigoted fans of his would've said that the apology was just to placate the snowflakes on Twitter, but to the sort of in-between people it would've shown that he's able to recognize and reconcile his mistakes. He could've transitioned into content that's A) actually good (when I say that the video was bad I don't just mean in terms of racism, I mean it straight up was not entertaining) and B) less "edgy" for the sake of. I wouldn't expect him to go uwu squeaky clean, but he's already reeled in the bad people, so if he really wanted to foster a good, progressive audience, he has to do something significant to show that.

But he didn't.

Maybe for the sake of his career, maybe because he likes those bigoted fans, maybe because he just doesn't get it - I don't know. I don't think we'll ever know. I spoke earlier about doing what is right over what is easy and in the case of Schlatt it just feels like he really did take the easy way out. Whoever he is in his personal life doesn't change how he's perceived online and the kinds of people that are idolizing him for it.

(And yeah I saw the video on Anisa when I Googled her to check if they were still dating, but then I saw who it was made by and I was like oh well whatever avhfdfkj)

[bma-2020]

Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

[lazikade]

Tagged by @rin-chan32 !!

Nickname:

Lapis! That's my actual name haha,, I go by that irl now since around?? August? I've been called Lapis since I was like 12 though, but only online.

Zodiac:

Capricorn

Height:

Around 5'8 or 5'9?? I've grown a bit since I last measured myself

Last movie I watched:

Bohemian Rhapsody with bre ofc

Last Google search:

Bohemian Rhapsody bc i didnt know how to spell it shsjksis

Favorite artist:

THERES SO MANY I CANT JUST SAY ONE SHSHJSOS all my friends. All of them

Current song stuck in my head:

None lol my head is like tv static rn

Other blog:

@lappysfish which im. Not rly active at

@humblesprouts !! My OC blog!!! Im gonna b posting more abt their stories and such there~

Also my vent blog but nobody gets that

Do I get asks:

NOPE almost never :')

How many people I follow:

I cant remember how to ch e c k

How much I sleep:

6-8 hours

Lucky number:

Excuse me?

What am I wearing:

The usual. Flannel, Tshirt, jeans. Today its a thin red flannel (my favorite one) and a black Breaking Benjamin shirt.

Dream job:

I don't?? Know???? Genetic engineering would be Sick

Favorite food:

This one dish my dad makes and I dont remember what its called rip

Languages:

English and the smallest bit of German

Random fact:

I startle incredibly easy and its amusing to others

Aesthetic:

Do i. Even have one. I doubt it

Favorite anime character:

Probably Phos

Favorite character types:

Depressed dumbasses, adorable sweethearts who are secretly sad, and angry villains with sad stories who i would let punch me

Last game you played:

Pokemon Sun

How hardcore are you about finishing accomplishments:

I literally dont give a shit abt them

Superpower you want:

Shapeshifting. Pl e a se

Tags:

Uh @skratched @ghostingnflowers @frogyjones @dykeviolets @chocolyfee

Many of my mutuals are mutuals i gotta save some of yall for the others

Also u dont gotta do this if u dont want 💕

[chainsawb0y]

hi sorry for not really doing much lately ive been kinda super out of it but when am i not anymore 

more venty stuff under the readmore tldr: shit sucks and im decorating my house and i hate myself the usual affairs if you read it all the way through i commend you for your dedication for wanting to know why im bummed out rn. this is basically like a long rambling thing that i kept adding shit to in random places

tw: dysphoria

i keep thinking about things and just feeling generally kinda bad about lots of shit and like it swings a lot from me feeling like happy and then just being totally fucking miserable at random all the time. i dont know what it is but its annoying the shit out of me. i feel like im ok like 10% of the time and then the other 60% is me feeling like shit and 30% trying to recover from feeling like shit 

ive been decorating my house too and thats been shit tbh my housemate gets stressed out and then takes it out on me but i cant afford to go anywhere else and id rather be dead than live with my mother and i just dont want to live in the city where my dad is

i want to do more stuff creatively this year but every time i pick up the pen i just think of my long term ambitions and realise this website isnt exactly the best for it anymore, but theres nowhere else i feel comfortable posting it anymore. i keep doubting myself and my work and when i draw certain characters i get anxious im going to be accused of ripping other people off. i know it wont happen, but i just have horrible anxiety when it comes to these things. i want to work but i feel like nobody takes me seriously as an artist or a comedian. i know where a lot of my self doubt/anxiety comes from but its just upsetting because i have so much stuff in my head that i cant even bring myself to do because i just dont see the point of it. i know it’ll get no attention at all whatsoever apart from roughly 2 likes, 3 reblogs and then at least 5 self reblogs from me desperately trying to get someone to see something i spent so long on. i dont do art for myself, i do it for other people to see the cool stuff i made up to entertain people and i like to make people happy and i just get upset constantly feeling like nobody is seeing anything because this hellsite is going down the shitter and people are jumping off like old people from a sinking ship. slow and fucking painfully because of the fucking bots everywhere

im like, constantly bitching about gender and sexuality shit but like.......... i always feel like im never gonna have anyone really love me. . like. people like me. people know who i am. nobody knows me. nobody gets me. i know thats bullshit lone wolf talk but like im not even kidding tbh.  im so massively fucking lonely it hurts it just fucking hurts so much i just fucking miss feeling like someone actually cares about me . i feel like i have no friends sometimes. like, i have online friends who i love with all my heart but i just dont feel like i have people in real life i can really talk to about deep personal shit. i dont feel close to people irl anymore and i cant understand why. i feel like this is cause of some bad shit thats happened in the past and its just made my brain turn off the “trust people” switch. my brains gone from “everyone is friend” to “everyone is person and people scare and upset me so i cant engage properly because i dont know what they will do. must keep some kind of distance, put on some kind of persona or something and be nice” i dont know what that persona is but im sure as fuck not able to look into it without being some kind of horrible mess. i dont know if im nice or not. i dont know who the fuck i am and it freaks me out because im sure i have some kind of horrible thing deep inside me that i have to cover up by being overly nice and sweet and an actual doormat .. most of the times the conversations i have with real people always have some kind of sex talk in them at one point and i dont have the heart to tell people it makes me uncomfy. i want to talk to people again and i want to go out more, but i just dont know how to get myself outside with people without feeling massively anxious or just feeling like nobody wants me around. like i feel like nobody ever really thinks about me in the least selfish sense. i know it sounds weird and narcissistic but i never get messages off people. i try to interact with people. i want to be friends with people but i just dont feel like i fit in anywhere and i really wish i did. i wish i felt like i could anyway. every time i go out i just feel like i dont belong anywhere with anyone and i thought i did for a little while but then i just couldn’t afford to go out anymore and it just went away immediately. i dont know why but sometimes i get really overloaded by people really quickly but when im outside i find it really easy. i just wish it was easier to talk to people about things. its like whenever i talk to anyone i immediately worry that im being weird or dumb talking about specific aniamtion things or stuff i can actually contribute to but everyone else is always talking about politics or sex so like.... i cant contribute ever cause most of the time its sex stuff or devolves into sex stuff and i just ?????? cant

also dysphorias back whee i hate having a chest it makes me so mad that i cant wear nice things because im constantly paranoid people will see my chest and assume im a girl. i hate people see my face and assume im a girl. i would rather see myself slowly rot away than take female hormones to solve my hormone issues because i dont want to lose what little i had that makes me look a little bit masculine and i know it sounds fucking idiotic but oh my god im so sick of looking and sounding like a girl!!!!!!!! i hate being called miss !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate that my mother wont even call me ash !!!!!!!!!! 2/3 of my family members refuse to think im not a girl and i want to die bc of it !!!!!!!!!!!

im just fuckin trying to deal with all this stupid fucking shit and i keep getting appointments for help cancelled and pushed back and i need help but i never get it !! : ))) the only help i managed to get just ended up talking about fucking specifically sex shit and it made me so uncomfortable i never went back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even tho its literally the only place i can go for trans/ace specific help !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[storytaeme]

~ thoughts on the fansites discourse ~

it’s been a while since i’ve done one of my thoughts post and i just saw something that i feel like i want to voice my opinion on. as always, discussion is open through pm if you agree/disagree!

aight hear me out. so fansites have been garnering lots of heat and “tea” as some may say lately for sasaeng/stalker/obsessive behavior. this is for some and not for all, but it’s the main reason why people are pissed at them. 

so thoughts on this and some arguments that have come up:

it’s weird yeah sure that fansites follow these people around and we dont really know much about them but like.......there are so many people online and there are fans who follow them to so many of their concerts and fly out and we dont know anything abt them either so idk why people are bringing this up?

if they want to be private, let them be private??? they dont owe us an explanation or their entire tax history before they can be a fan

they’re not forcing you to give up your personal information so why should we?

if they have money then thats cool??? they can do wtv they want with it yknow. idk how they get money and it’s not really our place to judge their level of wealth 

people are saying we dont really need photos they take anyway since bts feed us so much. so aight you dont have to consume it, you can just ignore them? you dont like it, then just ignore them? nobody is forcing you to look at it. block, mute, yknow. those options exist.

and the whole whitewashing ordeal idk dude yeah a lot of fansites whitewash and it’s Shitty, im not gonna condone that behavior. but the entire argument of lighting during concerts and photography editing also exist and thats what a lot of people dont really understand or try to understand when they dont know anything about photography 

“theyre stalking bts wo their consent omg!!” bighit communicates with the press about this, and from what i’ve heard (unconfirmed atm), they also let fansites know - so i mean,, ??? idk my dudes 

these fansites arent necessarily doing it to give bts more exposure, they are fans if you cant tell and if they want to photograph bts then let them? like why are people pressed? 

think of it this way, if their hobby is photography and they want to put it to good use while also supporting bts who they love, why are people mad about that?

nobody gets made at writers or artists producing og content and making money off it so like??? 

as long as they are respecting bts and their space and privacy according to regulations, who are we to tell them what to do/not do?

if they are real fans then they’ll understand how to respect bts

again, if they’re not telling you how to spend your time, what right do we have to tell them how to spend theirs? 

to emphasize again, i do not condone unacceptable behaviors by fansites still (see section below)

y’all who’re coming at fansites wo fully grasping the situation and conditions are being unfair.

you think that fansites are dangerous cuz theyre stalkers but you can literally say the same about any fan who’s crazy and dangerous AND stalkers. so why are you only coming at fansites when there are still crazies out there coming @ bts outta nowhere wo even bighit’s knowledge? 

commenting on how they spend their money and how they splurge on bts......like dude, it’s not your money, you dont have a say in what they do with what they have

if they use money from selling goods from photographs to gift bts or make donations then let them???? thats the intention from the very beginning?

as long as theyre not lying about where the money is going from selling merchandise, why are we making it a problem? 

THEYRE NOT SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW BTS ON PRIVATE SCHEDULES AND IF THEY ARE THEN THEY ARE WRONG. BUT FANSITES WHO ARE RESPECTFUL AND FOLLOW BIGHIT GUIDELINES DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT THE SAME WAY WE SHOULD BE RESPECTING PEOPLE IN THE FANDOM.

idk people who are coming at them without considering them as FANS first and foremost and considering their intentions/situation, as well as other bits of information that we are not privy to, are nasty. 

see previous point for my thoughts on if the fansite is being disrespectful.

kpop fandom culture may be different from western fandom culture idk this i cant really confirm. but when i was following western celebs closely, fansites didnt exist and it was only the creepy press following them around. but it seems like it’s different in korea and the boys recognize them and bighit knows them. 

i do not know this and cannot confirm it so it’s still tbd if there is a fandom culture difference

dont support people you dont want to support/dont agree with. 

literally it’s none of our business what they do in their lives. they dont push me for my private life, i wont push them for theirs. unless they’re being incredibly problematic, then idk why i would be questioning what theyre eating for bfast 

again this defense goes for unproblematic/chill fansites who actually just love bts

fansite behavior i dont condone just to be clear:

stalking and chasing bts/idols down in goddamn public 

going to and taking photographs of events/actions that are outside of press knowledge or bighit did not release

whitewashing obvs

solo stans who shit on the other members holy shit like wyd 

probably missing a whole lot more but these are the only ones i can think of rn

i just do not understand why we would ever push fansites to release private information or how/what they do with their free time aside from bts. this turned out to be really long just because im really tired with the sudden rise in hate towards fansites who actually do love bts and want to support them with projects and are doing it properly. 

arguments are for sure welcome because this is only ideas from my side so im always down to talk about it if i didnt cover anything.

[fuck-customers]

fuck managers

at my work i am the longest working person part time. and apart from management, the second longest employee in the store.

i study full-time and my student loan barely covers my living costs. i pay rent throughout the summer and winter break and have to pay bills and other taxes. i am completely independent. only one other employees does not live with their parents - and she's 27 and full time. the other person who did live away from home recently moved back in and anyway, her parents paid for everything.

i kept asking for more overtime once the new term hit and my manager was a bit iffy about it. not saying yes and not saying no. at the start i opted to do overtime when it was posted online but due to increasing deadlines, i have to be strict with my time. so, i cant spontaneously go in to work for an evening shift. it seems like every two or three days we're "short" and need more cover. i can never do these shifts as they're not posted enough in advanced as i have a lot of coursework and im doing extra credit this semester so i can bank on something else if i do badly in one of my required classes. 

i'd give leeway if it was for absences but its because of shoddy and lazy scheduling.

managers then complain nobody does o/t. maybe cus you ask people, students who have other commitments 3 hrs before a shift to come in??? its not reasonable at all.

if i was given the overtime (which we have the hours for) i would be absolutely fine. but of course, the world does not work like this. 

i said again to my manager that from december-mid jan that i could work full time. when im not in class, i normally get at least 25 hrs a week. he again, acted weird: 'oh i made the rotas...' i looked and i have jack shit. 

he gave a xmas temp on an 8 hr a week contract 18 hours, the same as myself who is on a 15 hr contract. and we're in completely different days. another person also on 15 hr a week got 24 hrs. everyone else seemed to be waaay over their contract.

its not even like these people have been opting to do the overtime either???

my boss constantly tells me im one of his best employees and that he values my work but he doesnt reward me at all?

i am also completely broke rn. i used to get 18+ hrs a week during term time at least. this is a joke. 

[profanesnare]

#suicide #emetophobia #animal death 

this post is heavy so i dont blame you if you dont read it

i uh, attempted (ie pills) and then immediately made myself puke because my mom was really sad bc of syia and bc she knows im upset and i didnt, want to put her through that but uhhhh god i feel like a real asshole rn

part of the issue for me is that i dont trust my feelings enough to say im suicidal unless i actually make some kind of gesture lol so its sort of an all-or-nothing thing which is NOT HELPFUL and almost definitely a bpd thing (gotta love that b&w thinking!)

and now my head hurts and my stomach hurts from puking and i want to be able to vent and feel like im not being performative but i cant do that. im tired and i need to get my meds changed probably but thats Effort and im worried about how my therapist is gonna react

i like my therapist overall but sometimes he comes off as condescending and when im doing risky shit i dont need condescension i need compassion, like, a lot of therapists talk down to me and it’s annoying because i Know that i’m being foolish and impulsive and i Know i shouldn’t pin all my hopes on one thing if it isn’t confirmed to happen but that doesn’t make me feel any less bad aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

and everything just feels Rotten right now, school is nightmarish, syia is getting put down tomorrow and idk how im gonna handle her not being around, i really feel like time off school to sort out mental health stuff would be good for me but i dont know how i can actually do that............................... id love to be able to take a leave of absence or take online classes or Something but idk how

it feels like nobody takes me seriously unless im actually acting on my impulses which is part of why i did the thing but i cant handle the emotional fallout from telling people close to me ive done stuff like that

and i guess it comes down to the fact that it is a manipulation tactic on my part