#nobody tell my therapist about this pls

[crows-home]

oooooo I hate it when adults can't act like adults

[humongousgothskeletonfarm]

TSC CHAPTER ELEVEN SPOILERS AHEAD

STARTING OFF THE CHAPTER STRONG AS FUCK DISASTER BISEXUAL JEAN MOREAU AWARENESS

picturing jean in a pair of raybans is good for my mental health

-

“Missed a couple spots. Need a hand?”

jeremy u flirt

-

do the trojans ever realise that jean is NOT IN FACT deaf and standing right in front of them when they are talking about him?

-

oh ok so chapter 11 is in fact worse than chapter 10

if anyone reading this has ever believed that they deserved the abuse, trauma/suffering they’ve experienced, i’m here to tell u right now that nobody deserves that and it is not ever ur fault, no matter what others might say or try to convince u. whatever happened to u is unequivocally not ok. please seek help from a professional if u are worried about urself or others in ur life.

if u have ever felt uncomfortable or violated in certain situations just know that no matter how ‘big’ or ‘small’ the situation may seem (i use these terms loosely because i do not believing in ranking peoples traumas), ur feelings are 100% valid and u always always deserve to be respected and heard.

i hope u know that u are not alone and never will be.

sending lots of love to all of u

-

wtff jenkins is a girl?? did we all know this or have i just read too many fanfics always thought jenkins was a guy?

-

It was sacrilegious even in the privacy of his head, and Jean hunched his shoulders against a blow that never came.

fuck that’s a good line. traumatic as fuck and makes me wanna cry for all these boys have gone through but god as an ex-catholic raised queer person i can tell u this line struck hard even though i cant relate to the specifics of the scene

-

Jean didn’t mind cooking, but he didn’t say that. This was the first time his room truly felt safe and right, and he was content to hold onto it for as long as he could. He closed his eyes again, but now his thoughts were snagged on Jeremy. At length he broke the silence to say, “Two beds would fit in here.”

jean moreau u are so loved

-

“You are not them,” Jean said. “Kevin would not have sent me here if you were.”

THE PARALLELS IN THIS BOOK ARE FUCKING KILLING ME PLS NORA LET ME LIVE IN PEACE THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE

ANDREIL EXISTS IN EVERYTHING

-

Just because he had to meet with this man didn’t mean he had to speak to him.

jean, u diss aaron earlier in the books but really ur just the same as him

-

betsy dobson to the mother fuckibg rescue someone get this bitch a ‘worlds best therapist’ mug

and jean, dude do u know how fucking similar u and neil are, seriously like u guys should be besties like-

“It was not my choice,” he sent back in warning. “I do not need counseling.” He didn’t trust her at all, but there was no point spelling it out.

CHAPTER TWELVEE

dude wtf is it with me and napping while tryna finish this book, literally just accidentally fell asleep for 2.5 hrs when i could’ve been reading

-

“Imagine getting changed so we can practice,” Jean said.

king is fed uppp

-

“It’s not about size, anyway.” ​“Defensive,” Jean said, tugging his glove straps with his teeth. ​Jeremy straightened in indignation. “I don’t have anything to be defensive about.” Jean lost his grip and bit his lip, and Jeremy hurried on before either of them could think too much about that double entendre.

OKKKK JEREMY I SEE U

-

“That’s not—I do care. I want you to play with us, and I want you to have fun again. I want to see what you can do on the court and what you bring to our defense line. I want us to finally win this year after coming so close and failing too many times. But it’s just a game, Jean. Your safety and happiness will always be more important than our season.”

GOOD GOD ITS WHAT U DESERVE JEAN

-

“Every time you say that you take a year off my life. I’d really like to live to ninety, so please knock it off.”

now the trojans understand how the foxes feel when neil whips out his ‘im fine’ line,, also i’m never gonna stop saying that neil and jean should be besties it’s literally just a fact

“I do not believe you when you are drinking such filth,” Jean said, with a disapproving look toward her drink. Laila stared him down as she sucked a long gulp through the straw,

this book is so devastatingly depressing and explores some of the most horrible traumatic things that could happen to a person but it’s interspersed with some of the funniest scenes that it gives me whiplash

-

“Pat and Ananya have wanted to fuck Cody’s brains out for almost a year now. I really thought Cody moving in with them this summer was going to finally get that ball moving, but apparently not. It’s getting kind of pitiful.” ​“Pat and Ananya have been engaged almost as long as Cody has known them,” Laila pointed out as she fit herself against Cat’s side. “You can’t blame Cody for being scared of where they might belong in something like that.”

NORA GIVING US THE POLYAMORY WE DESERVE AFTER CUTTING KANDREIL FROM THE OG BOOKS LETS GO QUEER REP

YK THAT RUNNING JOKE THAT USC IS THE QUEEREST TEAM AND NOBODY HAS AS MANY GAYS AS THEY DO??? IM SO FUCKIBG HAPPY NORA HAS BASICALLY MADE THAT CANNON

-

CHAPTER 13333

jeremy is so hopelessly crushing on jean and that’s real of him

meanwhile jean:

Threat assessment, he told himself, and it was almost the truth.

sureee buddy

-

They’d arrived holding hands and dressed in matching cream-and-teal outfits. Even their gold-rimmed sunglasses and teal sneakers were identical.

well that is definitely an outfit!

-

“Speaking of happy endings, has Laila bought you a sex toy yet?”

EXCUSE ME

this whole scene was so fucking random but jean deserves great friendships

-

ANOTHER TRANS TROJAN LETS FYCKING GOOOOOO CONGRATS ON UR TOP SURGERY XAVIER

-

‘i’m sure the ravens wouldn’t have taken neil in if they’d known he was the son of a mob boss!!’

uhhhhh…

i don’t know how to tell u this buddy

-

dude i just cannot stop think about the whole new world of fanfics we’re gonna get now that tsc has come out like the aftg universe is expanding and becoming more detailed it’s gonna be crazy

chapter 14!!!

-

Jean eyed him. “For what purpose?” ​Jeremy looked to the ceiling for patience. “For fun.” ​Jean sighed as if Jeremy was the one being unreasonable.

oh jean we’ll get there eventually

-

Jean was a starving dog on a short chain who’d learned years ago not to bite back.

OH MY FUCKING GOD GIVE ME PEACE

MY CHEST IS ACHING AT THIS METAPHOR

-

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP THE PARALLELS ARE DESTROYING ME I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE

“You are Jean Moreau. Your place is here with me, with us. I’m your captain. You’re my partner. We’re supposed to be doing this together, aren’t we? Stop leaving me behind. Look at me.”

-

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that he hurt you, I’m sorry that you’re still afraid to talk about it, and I’m sorry that you think I’ll never understand. I’m sorry that he tricked you into thinking you deserved it. But I’m not sorry he’s gone. I can’t be.”

“Neither am I.”

TEAR MY HEART OUT AND STOMP ON IT NORA JESUS CHRIST

-

everytime one of the trojans says ‘we’re here to listen whenever your ready to talk and open up to us’ and then they go and demand he tell them every secret he’s ever kept

-

kevin and jeans relationship in this book is so fucking well written, it’s tearing me apart and giving me so much life

they have so much shared trauma and the relationship is so complex but they understand eachother so deeply

He is not used to having a voice, and he has never had power. I cannot promise he will ever talk to you.” ​“I will wait as long as it takes,”

“Be careful with it,” Kevin said. “Be careful with him.”

-

“Night practices with Andrew and Neil,” Kevin said. ​“Obsessed,” Jeremy

exy fiend kevin day representation

also

“No, Jean is fine. As fine as he can be, anyway. Yes, I know.” (kevin when talking to someone ‘offscreen’) i just know he was talking to neil

-

She crossed the room and leaned over, catching Jean’s head in her hands so she could plant a kiss to the top of his head.

this is the love jean deserves

chapter 15:

“Your fourth line has a smart mouth, Coach,” Jean said. “I was hoping he would bite his tongue off in the fall and save us both some grief in the long run.”

jean i love u

-

Jean wished he had the common sense to shut up,

he’s so me

-

“And keep Kevin’s name out of your ignorant mouth,”

THEYRE SO IMPORTANT TO ME UR HONOUR

-

i keep forgetting that jean only learnt english after he moved into evermore and that kevin probably taught him but i love the subtle little reminders every now and then when he has to clarify a word, like when he has to ask what a ‘floozy’ is and:

due to egregious injuries.” ​Jean didn’t recognize that word, but since Lucas was already running his mouth, he didn’t get a chance to ask.

it’s such a good detail that just adds so much more depth to his character

-

“Permission to break his face, Coach?” Jean asked. ​“Denied,” White said.

SCREAMING

THIS IS SO NEIL AND WYMACK CODED I LOVE IT

-

JEAN MOREAU ON A MOTHERFUCKING MOTORCYCLE HOLY SHIT

catalina alvarez u wonderful human i love u

-

jean realising how big the world is and the fact that he’s explored more of california than any other place he’s been before is making me tear up he never should’ve been kept trapped inside he deserves to see the world

-

So long as she existed as fractured memories, she was safe and small and sheltered.

oh god don’t do this to me

-

Jean gazed out at the endless horizon, feeling small and infinite from one moment to the next.

beautiful, just beautiful, absolutely immaculate

A cool evening breeze. Rainbows. Open roads.

A COOL EVENING BREEZE. RAINBOWS. OPEN ROADS

-

SECOND LAST CHAPTER!!! LETS GOOO

“He is not going to hit you. Okay? We don’t do that here. You said you’d try to do better and that’s enough for us.”

starting off strong

-

You’re one of my kids now.

don’t mind me i’m just sobbing

-

no no no no no no no no no

holy shit no what the fucking fuck

don’t do this to jean rn oh my fucking god i’m sick to my stomach on the verge of fully crying right now

actually dreading reading on right now

-

um ok yeah so i read it and to anyone who hasn’t finished the book yet beware there is a graphic violent scene followed by an intense panic attack in chapter 16 that’s is very difficult to read

i did cry and all i can say is thank fuck for lisinski’s timing

-

Jeremy’s response was low but unhesitating: “I will not look away.” ​“I do not want you to look.” ​It frightened him how much it sounded like a lie,

-

only redeeming part of this chapter is that neil’s back but i’m still in so much shock over what’s just happened that i cant properly appreciate him

chapter 17 the finale:

feeling incredibly somber as i reach the end of the book

please god destroy anyone who has ever hurt jean moreau

-

nora’s really filling in all the plot holes left from aftg - why did nobody question why neil’s hair was dyed after evermore ????? why did nobody question neil being at evernote in the first place???

-

i’m laughing at neil’s map print-outs he’s so uncool, also i keep forgetting this is still meant to be 2007

-

jean-yves moreau oh my fucking god

-

“says who?” Stuart asked. “The dead kid?

stuart hatford u are so funny, is this where neil inherited is sarcasm from?

stuart hatford says fuck riko and so do i

-

Neil shrugged. “Do you have anyone who can take on local work?”

NEIL JOSTEN U ARE MY HERO I LOVE U U BADASS MOTHER FUCKER

-

Neil offered her a disarming smile that would never sit quite right on his face.

devouring these scraps about my boy

-

YOOOO WTF NORA RLLY JUST WANTED TO GIVE JEAN THE WORST FUCKING DAY HE COULD POSSIBLY HAVE HUH?? JUST DROPPED THE FACT THAT HIS SISTER IS DEAD MY POOR BOY

-

Neil filled in the finer details with an ease that would have been impressive to listen to any other day

- yes neil is incredibly smart, thank u jean for confirming to us

-

The only thing left to ask for was something he barely understood: “I want to go home.”

oh the complicated nature of home and one’s sense of belonging that persists throughout these books will never fail to make me feel absolutely everything. nora knows exactly what i want in a book

-

“I can see the kitchen. There should be a door out to where the dumpsters are. We can make it back to the garage from there.”

to be loved by neil josten is to be offered a way to evade the fbi together

-

“Tedious,” Neil said. “I’m trying to eat.”

my hero

Neil waited until he was done before deciding he wanted to finish his drink. Neither agent was impressed with their absolute lack of urgency,

i love u neil josten pls give me ur autograph

Neil, being the person he was, pointed at the fire hydrant adjacent to its front bumper and said, “That’s illegal, just so you know.” ​“Shut up and get in the car.”

i wish neil josten was real

-

He couldn’t fear a government who was so easily infiltrated and manipulated

FUCK THE GOVERNMENT

-

Neil flipped his takeout box open and started eating. “I’m allowed to visit people.”

he’s everything to me 🥰

-

“You’re one to accuse others of intolerable attitudes,” Browning said, and Neil only shrugged indifference.

and—for once—without any of your usual bullshit.”

- browning u love him just like the rest of us don’t lie rn

-

ngl i’m never getting over the fact that jean and neil are the same age like this is crazy to me nora whyd u have to do this i cant cope

-

“The more people I hold onto, the less of a threat I am, because I won’t want to endanger them by acting out.”

oh neil look how far uve come, i’m so proud

-

“Lock your door tonight if it will help, but Grayson will never bother you again.”

THANK U LORD FOR THE BRILLIANT NEIL JOSTEN HES ANSWERED MY PRAYERS U BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL HUMAN IM SO THANKFUL FOR UR PRESENCE

all my favourite bamf! neil fics have him taking out a hit on someone for the benefit of the people he loves and i’m so glad that’s canon

-

i’m going fucjing crazy i didnt think it was possible to love neil anymore than i already do

best friends ❤️

-

jean tearing up and throwing away the notebooks and realising he trusts the trojans and the four of them going to eat one of cats new recipes after they waited up last midnight for him

A COOL EVENING BREEZE RAINBOWS OPEN ROADS AND FRIENDS

!!!!!

I CSNT BELIEVE ITS OVERRRRR I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS HOLY FUCK

[taeraeszn]

can i request zb1 as love languages? thank you so much!

ps i LoVE your writing.. thank you for making my day

zb1 as love languages

hi luv! thank you for requesting <3 tbh i thought this request was very cute when i first saw it and now that i have time to write it, i'm so excited!!!

also thank you for your kind words!! it makes me so happy to know that people love my writings!

warnings: food mentioned but no more from what i saw but pls lmk if there is any!

btw these are all just my thoughts PLS don't attack me if we don't have the same thoughts. these are just what i pulled out from my brain so i apologize if it's similar to what other writers have posted on here.

kim jiwoong - gifts

idk about you guys but i think jiwoong is DEF the guy who'll gift you so many things when you two are dating

like your just heading to a cafe and he's outside waiting with a bouquet in his hands

most of them you don't even ask for, he just offers you them but you can't decline them either since he'll ignore you and hand you them anyways

i also think that for very special occasions like anniversaries and such he'll think carefully of what to give to you then make it the biggest reveal ever

^like maybe a ring or necklace!!

like bro is going all out for you

with every gift he gives, their for a reason, and that's what makes you love him so much <3

yeah i just love jiwoong so much guys <3

rest of the members under the cut!

zhang hao - acts of service

NOBODY CAN DISAGREE WITH ME ON THIS

hao definitely loves giving acts of services that may seem small to others but are actually so thoughtful and considerate

say there's a day where you come home from a long day and the house is literally spotless bc hao offered to clean it, thinking you were mostly likely tired

and this could also be like him helping you with something so you're not struggling alone!!

he's just your little helper and you love it!!

not just that but he'll always talk to you when your feeling down and listen to whatever you have to say and try to make the situatio better

in general, having hao in your life helps everything become so much easier with his presence

and you're always thankful for everything he does <3

sung hanbin - words of affirmation

fun fact this one was the first one i thought of when i saw this request lol

LIKE IT JUST SUITS HIM

and seeing how he originally wanted to be a therapist really shows this

you can just tell he cares about what others have to say and he listens to them with full attention

and same goes for you!! i think everyday he'll remind you of how amazing you are and how much he loves you just because

sometimes he'll even send a text or two reminding you that he loves you deeply

and whenever you come home, he'll remind you that you did well and worked your hardest!!

idk im squealing writing this, ALSO HAPPY EARLY BDAY HANBIN!!!! <3

seok matthew - physical touch

i was pondering between this option and gifts but idk after seeing how affectionate matt is with some of the members i chose this one!

i think matthew just loves hugging you or holding your hand

like in public he will REFUSE to let go of your hand bc he doesn't want to lose you in the crowd

as well, i think matthew would also give you sweet kisses on the forehead and lips, reminding you once again of how much he loves you

idk maybe i'm thinking ahead on this because this is my love language lol

and whenever you two are sitting together he'll just casually rest his hand on your thigh to ensure that he's right there

and though he claims that he wants to be woohyun oppa, he's still your cute little matthew through his physical affection

in the end he's clingy and you love it!!

kim taerae - quality time

i chose this since a lot of the trainees on bp said that taerae would bring his guitar with him and just chill with the trainees

i think he'd also do the same with you!!

like his stay that was supposed to be only twenty minutes ends up becoming 2 hours since he keeps singing songs for you and just wanting to be by your side

and out of the blue he'll just message you and say that he wants to be with you

or he'll just sit on facetime with you for hours on end while studying and not say much, only because he wants you to be with him

you are his favourite person to be with and he will always show that through his quality of time

especially seeing how in the taerae he went to each member's room to see how their doing, idk man that just did things to me

best boy kim taerae

shen ricky - words of affirmation

i was torn between this and acts of service tbh but i think woa suits ricky so well

like hanbin, he'd always remind you of how much you mean to him as a partner and never make you second guess his feelings for you

he's quite literally the perfect boyfriend ever!!

as well, he'll also encourage you to do what you think is right whenever your talking with him and give you great advice for situations

not only that but i believe that ricky would remember small things you mentioned in the past and bring it up again to remind you of how much he actually listens to you

and at night he'd casually slide in a text or voice chat that tells you that he loves you forever and always <3

idk mane ricky is just literal perfection!!

kim gyuvin - physical touch

anyone who says no is lying to themselves

gyuvin LOVES affection especially seeing how he literally adores yujin by touching his face 24/7 and being close with his other members!!

and as your boyfriend, gyuvin would quite literally do the same to you

just always touching your face to kiss you gently

his arms always wrapped around you to keep you near him at all times along with a few sweet hugs

^also he never lets go of your hands

even when your sitting down he'll casually intertwine your fingers together

but you love it sm since it reminds you that gyuvin adores you dearly <3

park gunwook - acts of service

idk about you guys but this just makes total sense to me

as a class president in school, gunwook probably has lots of experience helping others

for you he'd always want to offer a helping hand

you text him that your bored at home and one second later he's at your door with food

or when your sick he takes time off of studying to take care of you despite you telling him that he doesn't have to

even small things such as you saying your thirsty leads to him running to the vending machine to grab you a drink

he goes out of his way to pretty much do everything for you

you always thank him for his help but he plays it off as what every partner should do <3

han yujin - gifts

originally i was thinking another one but after seeing him gift ricky those figurines with the box and matthew with the protein bars, i had to choose this

he genuinely thought out those gifts well which makes me :"")

for you, he'd consider everything he gives you carefully, thinking of what you've been wanting and telling him about

and for each birthday of yours, your always surprised at how thought out each gift is

and the times when you express wanting an item, he goes out to buy it for you right away, packing it nicely for you

i also think his gifts would have a cute note on it!!

he always prioritizes you and rejects your offers to buy him something

i know yujin is still very young so i think this suits him very well

[carsonian]

Steve/Tony fic recs | theme: "SOFT"

I've read a decent number of SteveTony fics and I wanted to give an indecent amount of love back to the writers who put out such gawrjus pieces. The theme for this list is "SOFT" in capital letters because it's not your average erectile-dysfunction soft but some real silk-scarf soft shit. You know, the classics: the diabetic stuff, the ooey-gooey stuff, the puddle of feelings stuff...

Now I don't want NOBODY saying, girl, I've read that, are you being for real? Because guess what? I am always being for real and these fics are real, and you can always re-read them. So spread the love. Respect!

"There's an App for That" by Annie D (scaramouche) (@no-gorms) - I know you're looking at me and saying, aight look Carsonian, whatchu takin me for? You think I'm some greenhorn mark to put down a flag for SteveTony witout cracking Annie D's stash three times whole? Well, to that I raise: my glass. Cuz samesies. But truuuuust me, this fic is worth the re-read. It is a stroke of genuine AU brilliance that doesn't get the hype it deserves (a billion kudos of hype pls!). Super solid set-up, refreshingly quick lines, the kind of easygoing falling together that is just jazzy to relish. This fic is like a date with an almond huddled inside. Sweet and mushy but with a surprisingly solid bite at its core. Summary goes:

Thanks to the modern gig economy, Steve is the successful owner of a break-up service, i.e. people pay him to break up with their partners for them. One day, he gets the first break-up request for Tony Stark.

😏 Uh-huh. Oh okay. Meet-awkwuuurd time. J.A.R.V.I.S., cue up "Start of Something New" by HSM. 😏

"The First Time I Went Dancing Sober" by schemingreader - This fic is like good wine; it ages like a beauty. This month will make it ten (10!!!) years since it was published but by God does it hold up. It holds me up. Like a firm but comfortable back brace. Summary goes:

Steve Rogers is a great physical therapist who works with sick kids. Tony Stark is a damaged biotech engineering genius who really wants to be one of the good guys.

You.... you know the vibes, don't you? You--uh, you catch the flow? Yeah, you do. C'mon, read this fic and give me a hug, brother. I'll clasp you close and whisper homoerotic sweet-nothings into your ear while we hug, partner. It'll be silly romantic, bro.

"we pick ourselves undone" by laramara (@commandersteverogers) - Another old-but-gold fic. Hang on, read the summary first:

It might appear that award-winning surgeon Tony Stark, the head of neurosurgery at Shield Hospital, well and truly has his life together. Now if he could only figure out how to tell people that his father, world class neurosurgeon Howard Stark, is locked away in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s, devise a way to get Chief Fury off his back for good, and work out what the hell he’s going to do about the weird on-again-off-again thing he has going with the head of cardio, he’d finally have everything sorted.

Now that's what I'm motherfucking talking about. This fic is also ten years old et voilà: a certified historical moment. When I first read this, I thought about quitting fic writing; it's that good. And then I re-read it and life was okay again. Tee El Dee Arr: I want to give this fic a smooch on the mouth and a sincere insurance plan.

"for better or for worse" by earliebirb (@earliebirb) - This is the fic you re-read when you want to remember why you're into Steve/Tony. It's iddy, it's tender, it's achey but beyond all a that, it's SOFT. Soft like whipped cream. Soft like a vanilla ice cream milkshake. Soft like Tony's tush and Steve's tits. R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Summary goes:

Sitting quietly like this, Tony can almost pretend that nothing has happened, that this is just another normal day of Steve waking up in bed next to him. Married and in love with no threat of divorce looming on the horizon. Of course, that is before he catches sight of Steve’s bereft ring finger. He wonders how long it has been since Steve’s ring finger is empty. He wonders if he should start taking off his own, too. He wonders if Steve wants him to take it off.

I know, I know, you're going: Carsonian, wyot the hell, this sounds like angsty stuff. Shhh. Shhhhh. Shhh. I'll get my hand off your mouth just as soon as you start listening. Sport, this is the ooey-gooey stuff. All of the angst is the hot chocolate fudge. It's what makes the milkshake so bloody damn good. Now get da fuck outta here and read this fic!!! Or re-read this fic!!! It's worth it! (Just like Steve & Tony's relationship in the fic, shhh no spoilers.)

Warmest and Brightest by ishipallthings (@ishipallthings) - Naww shuddup I don't want to hear any accusations of favouritism. Yeah I think Jen is aces, but I'm not speaking from a place of bias when I say her fics are aces too. It has been scientifically proven. By Tony. And me. Here's the source. Also, I read this WAYYYY back when, and put it down in my list as "sitcom/hallmark set up with stevetony charm". So if you're into that, you know what to do. And if you're not into that, get da fuck outta here!!! You can not NOT be into that. Okay but if you're seriously not into that, no judgement. Okay, a little judgement. With 100% love. Summary goes:

It’s Christmas Eve, and Tony’s supposed to be getting decorations ready for his and Rhodey’s Christmas bash in their new apartment. Instead, he’s stuck in an elevator with the hot guy from 12A Steve, who doesn’t seem to be in much of a festive mood. It turns out to be a bit of a holiday miracle.

Y'know what else is a miracle? How I got through this fic without kicking my feet up like a gleeful teen in a 2000s romcom. Y'know what else? I totally didn't get through this fic without doing that. Maybe the miracle is in the friends we made along the way 🧑‍🤝‍🧑(that's me n u, babey, holding hands as we watch Steve and Tony debate superior rom-coms into a relationship).

"One Last Christmas" by Captain_Panda - Speakin' of Xmas miracles, here's another fic that is super soft and set during the Christmas holiday period. And YEAH I'll admit it FINE FINE. I'm deffo playing favourites here....but as we all know, I am a Captain_Panda fan first 😤❗, a SteveTony fic enthusiast second. Respect!!! Summary goes:

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. The year is 2012. Cuddly-as-a-cactus Tony Stark is throwing a Christmas party for his fellow Avengers. It's all going really well--except for Tony, who is quietly succumbing to his own demons.

You see how the summary says "cuddly-as-a-cactus"? Well, it don't matter because the fic will cuddle you anyway. Tony gets cuddles, we get cuddles, the world gets a cuddle. It's all cuddles in here and you best believe I'm weeping at the slumber party. In this fic, the world is soft and rough-edged and love is worth losing for. It's beautiful. Gawly I'm weeping again. Last time I read this fic, I wrote this in my comment and it still holds true.

And that's all she w"rec"ked!

Go forth: SteveTony lovers, fuckers, ambassadors, champions, perverts, freaks, losers, dreamers, legends! Read, re-read, kudo, comment, spread legs and spread love.

[the-shinysnorlax]

Why I think Miguel O’Hara is autistic

(Posted by me, a autistic person and Miguel O’Hara fan)

Before anyone attacks me for this post, keep in mind that this is MY OPINION and you do not have to agree with everything I say.

I will be mostly using the 90s comics, Dark Tomorrow, and ATSV as an example because I think that’s where it shows the most.

Ok without further ado time to send the evidence.

1. Miguel is absolutely horrible with communication

There have been multiple times where Miguel just fucks up communication unintentionally. This is definitely the most prevalent in the book Dark Tomorrow (Which is a banger read, even if it’s meant for young teens) where him and Arañas relationship is very strained in the beginning, mostly because of Miguel’s fuck-ups.

There’s also evidence in the 90s comics too, like in issue 2 where Miguel freaks out over saying something menacing to Venture and just goes “Hi” like the dumb guy he is (But he’s my loser love him so)

Also he’s much better communicating with Lyla about things than a actual human being. Like he rarely shows negative emotions or talks about his feelings to anyone, not even his own brother or fiancé. Only time we see his negative feelings is when he’s by himself or in thought bubbles. That’s it.

(Miguel honey pls get a therapist I BEG)

2. He has no spatial awareness and is oblivious to his surroundings.

This isn’t really as obvious as some of the other ones but yeah. He has like- no spatial awareness. None at all.

Again we can really see this in the 90s comics, specifically issue 2 of the series. Miguel looks down at his hands and just- doesn’t see he’s grown talons. The comics explain it as his vision was blurry but I still think he would’ve at least noticed something was off. Idk. Maybe I’m thinking too much about this 😭😭😭

3. He hates change

Oh boy this is (Probably) going to be lengthy.

If you read his comics, you know he does not like having powers. Even when he’s gotten used to them and control his powers he still doesn’t like that he got them and regrets having them. Hell, even in Dark Tomorrow, which takes place 6 years after Miguel got his powers, we still see him having regret of getting them. Regret of becoming a hero.

And yes, I know in most comics when heroes do get powers they’re almost always like “Well I never wanted these in the first place!” But they learn to accept this new responsibility of theirs and overtime embrace their superpowers. Miguel isn’t like that. He never fully accepts his powers. He does get used to them sure, but it’s such a big change for him that he can’t ever accept them outright.

Another piece of evidence comes from Spiderverse. When Miles doesn’t do what he’s told it pisses Miguel off. Miguel in the movie doesn’t like going off the plan. He’s very straightforward. He’s not the type of guy to improvise on the spot. He takes time to plan. And when things goes off course, he doesn’t like that.

4. Miguel is overly sarcastic.

Autistic people are either overly sarcastic, don’t understand sarcasm at all, or are a mixture of both. For me, I think Miguel is a mixture.

One of Miguel’s defining character traits is that he is extremely sarcastic. To the point where he could be telling the truth and nobody believes him (Like Gabe in issue 2 where Miguel just outright tells him he’s grown fangs). This can also tie into the fucking up communication part, because his overly sarcastic tone could come off as unintentionally offensive or rude (Except to Tyler Stone, where he’s just mean to him because he’s a asshole)

Miguel also has trouble picking up sarcasm too, though it doesn’t happen nearly as often. For example, in Shattered Dimensions Miguel is fighting a Hobgoblin clone when Miguel asks where he got nanofiber. Hobgoblin responds in a sarcastic tone, to which Miguel responds with “Yeah that’s why I asked”

5. Sensory issues

This is definitely more of a side effect of Miguel’s powers than actual autistic traits in him, but I still wanna talk about it.

Miguel’s powers include enhanced eyesight, which means he’s more sensitive to light as well. Which is why he wears his sunglasses. It’s not just to hide his red eyes, they help him with his light sensitivity.

Miguels fangs could also be an obstacle for eating too. Since they produce venom, he has to be careful what he eats and also how he eats because one wrong bite and he could be a dose of yucky venom in his mouth. So it’s possible he has sensory issues with food too. Maybe even touch if his talons effect how he can touch things.

6. He has trouble showing emotion

This is really shown in Spiderverse where he mostly just keeps a resting bitch face the entire time. I don’t think he doesn’t want to show emotion, he just has trouble showing it. We can see that he does show emotion, but it’s only under extreme circumstances. For the most part he just looks emotionless.

That’s about it from me! Miguel is a really complex character and as a autistic person he’s a character I relate to a lot, especially now since I’m also undergoing a major change in life (Going to college). He’s just a really special character to me and I will gladly infodump about him whenever I get the chance to.

Oh and also

Bonus: He does this

(This is from Dark Tomorrow)

He just walked out of the conversation like dude why did you do that 💀💀💀

[metaltea]

Ngl I feel kinda somber now that it's Officially November...

(just sad thoughts)

All I have to look forward to is Thanksgiving and Christmas, both of which are family-themed holidays if that makes sense and it just makes me remember I'm now not in contact with my sibling. I may not even be staying with my parents by christmas, I may be back in my old apartment all alone or at a new one, still alone.

It wouldn't have mattered even if my sibling was still staying there, they were going to go on a vacation to Europe through christmas this year so I would've been alone anyways.

And like... due to climate change n all, September and October here were basically still summer. It's only now starting to feel consistently cold. I only have November, December, January and maybe February to look forward to before it starts warming up again and with it my anxiety, which I've only just now gotten under control.

It feels like I'm having shorter and shorter timeframes during the year (cool or cold months) where I'm not having horrific anxiety and ya know feel ok with the whole being alive thing. If I have to wait for just a small fraction of the year to not feel like dying, then like what's the point in living?? It becomes a quality of life problem at that point.

If you spend so much of your time just surviving, it's not really living, now is it?

It's just impending doom hanging over me, nothing new there. Now that my sibling is close to moving I have to worry about where I'll live by the end of the month, about financial aid and getting back into school (online if possible), getting a part time job for the first time, living alone for the first time, if I can get back on ebt... so many fucking things. Which ofc doesn't help with the suicidal thoughts. And ofc my mom had to bring up how all the war with palestine is seeming like The End Times according to the bible and my existential anxiety did not like that.

If god's real (the one my parents believe in anyway) I am of course going to hell. If god's real they're evil, or at least apathetic to the world's suffering, so I have to contend with both a god that hates me and a devil that loves making people suffer. I keep telling myself it's not real but ya know religious trauma and all that shit... Like I want to just turn off my emotions and remind myself if it is real Ok I guess I'll Die and Burn in Hell tm but at the same time it's like why not just make it quicker while I'm having and have so many guns around me.

Don't worry tho this year was the worst my depression or anxiety's ever been and I didn't attempt suicide even during the worst of panic attacks (tho it was tempting, and I couldn't exactly move enough to reach for anything dangerous) so at this point future me prolly won't. And hopefully I can continue speaking to the therapist I'm seeing even when I move.

I just fucking wish my parents would stop reminding me that half this country doesn't believe in climate change and thinks Israel is the victim in the war going on and all this other shit like can you BE ON MY SIDE FOR ONCE PLS. But no I'm just a stupid young person I guess, what do I know, what's my word compared to THE BIBLE or facebook or where ever she gets her info...

And ofc my therapist brought up a good point, aside from my parents and sister I genuinely have nobody irl I can turn to when things go sideways. I don't know if I ever will. When I say I have a resting murder face and an aura that makes people stay away from me I'm not joking and she rlly thinks it's all just a negative view of myself, but it's true. People are scared of me I think, always have been, it's just the vibe I give off.

So I will continue my life without friends and without people who will believe me when I talk about stuff like climate change and that is that. That's not to say I don't cherish online friendships, but I mean just like people I can depend on to really be there, to take me in if I genuinely can't take care of myself, bc it got like that for months and I couldn't so much as wash my own dishes or myself and I don't want to be alone when it happens again, and I know it fucking will.

But yea, I figured i should write this all down while it's fresh on my mind so I can reference it before my next appointment in two weeks...

[galindaelphaba]

Scream 6 thoughts

I saw the movie last night and I have a lot of thoughts and I just wanted to get them out. There will be spoilers below the cut - read at your own risk

I really liked the opening and enjoyed the twist of unmasking the ghostface, only for that ghostface to be killed by the main ghostfaces of the film

Sam’s arc in the movie is a highlight and I liked her a lot more in this compared to Scream 5

Sam’s therapy session is hilarious - when she said “i stabbed him 22 times and slit his throat” the therapist’s reaction was hilarious

I found it unintentionally hilarious when Sam was looking at Billy’s robe in the glass case with her hand to the glass like she was ready to be possessed by his spirit of something 🙃

Gale dodging Sam’s punch only to be hit by Tara is a highlight

Some people might think that Gale still writing about the Woodsboro murders that happened is a regression in character but honestly it feels true to Gale imo

Like that they mentioned Sidney - honestly don’t mind her not being in these films because it means she got her happy ending which she deserves

Meta commentary was weak and they didn’t have much to say (“we’re in a franchise now” - mindy pls this is the sixth installment 😭)

Very glad to say Gale and Kirby survived - I thought for sure Gale was a goner and mentally prepared myself for it to happen

Liked that the kills are a bit more intense/violent compared to other films in the franchise

Certain scenes feel like they serve no purpose other than to mislead the audience and make little logical sense to me (e.g. Ethan helping Mindy off the subway - why not just let her die or finish her off? nobody on the subway even noticed her. It is just in there to throw suspicion off of him. Det. Bailey calling the FBI to ask about Kirby only exists to make his assertion that she snapped more believable to the viewer)

Seeing two ghostfaces kill together and do a simultaneous knife wipe was so cool

I had gotten the feeling from language used in interviews that there were three killers pretty early on before the film so wasn’t too shocked by that reveal

Detective Bailey and Quinn are the most obvious killers in the franchise in my opinion - faked death is always a big red flag in this franchise

I didn’t guess Ethan because honestly I forgot about him dsjflkajdlk

The super secret cameo that had been hyped up being Richie is super disappointing for me

The scene where Kirby and Mindy are geeking out over horror movies is cute (but do people REALLY like both Candyman movies equally... I for one don’t)

Gale scrolling the Stab reddit sent me for some reason

Gale’s first ghostface call... it’s been a long time coming and ghostface taunting her about dewey nearly killed me

Also is it just me or is it dumb how Gale shoots like 5 shots at the door?

I find it kinda amusing that this movie marketed this ghostface as ‘something different’ yet so many of his victims miraculously survive

In a way I’m happy that all the returning characters survived as I like them all, but it does make the stakes feel a lot lower (esp Chad, he was stabbed so many times smh)

This movie feels like the requel version of scream 2 but scream 2 is so much better

The killer family angle is kinda weak in my opinion and this was probably one of my least favourite killer reveals

You can really tell they’re Richie’s family cos they’re so lame

Chad and Tara are kinda cute

Danny had literally no role besides just standing around lmao

Love the nods to previous films with the shrines and the way that the killer’s masks were being left at the crimescenes

Sam killing in Billy’s ghostface robe was great

[zanderism]

bruh that anon was so fucking wild on like every level!! point us to the scientific research that animals have a concept of morality enough to understand innocence. what the fuck does animal innocence even MEAN, are we doing biblical rules or current judicial rules in a country. what country??? i’m all for a philosophical conversation but that tired ass argument is so…… should we just commit cannibalism? eat roadkill? get prion diseases? what about animals in industrial meat farming? what is innocence? can any human determine it? are we? are YOU? baby give us MORE wtf. anyway hope you’re well man lmao

GO OFF ANON you said it a lot better than i ever could. i don’t mind having that debate at all, it only bothered me so much bc they like. made it personal and was definitely just trying to project

innocence is subjective to humans and animals absolutely DO NOT have any understanding of innocence. they know fear, hunger, prey drive, and the breeding process. they don’t sit down and go hey maybe im being too mean maybe i should learn pacifism!! maybe i should be a little kinder to my offspring even if one is a little sick or overbearing!! maybe today ill choose not to attack or hunt even if i don’t get to eat today bc i wanna be a better mammal and not hurt things!!

they don’t get that shit. they are not developed enough to understand. they would get hunted, they would never eat, they’d just fucking die. and once that happened the food chain would go fucking nuts, our natural ecosystem would simply self implode, and there would be nothing we could do about it. not to mention population management would be damn near impossible to manage once prey animals started having less and less natural predators, and learning how to survive on eating different things and developing different defense and survival mechanisms

like nobody is holding you at gunpoint and telling you to eat meat or kill an animal bestie you don’t have to do any of that but you’re definitely not better than anyone else bc you don’t hunt or eat meat lmao pls seek a therapist

(although cannibalism should be reserved just bc it’s the most intense and thoughtful way to express admiration and devotion) (mostly joking)

[zeenbean]

yapping about school, again

a lot as happened since my last ranty post, like that i have gotten B on my final grade from english(as a secondary language) but nobody really follows this blog so much so they would actually know what am i talking about.

in multiple posts ive been whining about my secondary laungage english teacher bcs shes dumb af and doesnt even know english past average 9yo vocabulary(except the slang💀) so when i use my fancy fancy worlds on her(telling her that taking drgs is NOT silly) she ofc gets mad. and that is, how she made my final grade from exact 9 marks from the second semester. 2 of them were group activities(two A`s), 5 quick tests(one A, one B& three Ds) and the rest unit reviews(one A and one B, but the b was my falut bcs im not gonna remember in front of what words u put the, a or nothing. but that were the weird ones like i dunno i cant remember bcs the only ones i remember are the ones that are obvious ones help) im a person who to function needs to have EVERYTHING planned. also when the teachers are all extremely chaotic i cant focus when i have to sit in place where i dont normally sit(i sit there for four years there, last place on the left but idk how other classrooms are build so it differs) its even worse. like this btch will be like so okey i know i said were gonna write the test tomorrow but i dont feel like it so were gonna do it today and than theres me who had planned to study today afternoon bcs it works for this types of tests best for me, also i had to practice on my saxophone yesterday bcs i ALSO had some MORE IMPORTANT EXAMS so now the whole thing is messed up & i have the saxophone exam today but im gonna be stressed form this test and it will completely ruin my day and maybe even a week.

im gonna browse more on the school system in hour school bcs its really messed up. like i wanted to transfer for this year but some therapist-not-therapist who is payed by the school told my mum that that is a not good idea bcs "every school has its dark side" yes. i know. but i asked my friend a simple question. "do your teacher provide materials from the lessons ex. presentations" and she was like EVERY TEACHER DOES THAT. HEAVEN ON EARTH.

like yeah only three from 20+ teachers does that in our school. and were really small school, only one building, the friends school has SIX.

it kinda is related to this and its really me problem but i struggle to keep writing notes in class. like one time i couldnt even get myself to hold the pencil bcs i had a bit dirty notebook(my bottle cracked and everything got wet and as it dried i had stains. so i couldnt write notes in the name notebook but i didnt wanted to buy a new one so i just wrote it who knows where and i was always loosing it. but i feel that the whole idea of notes doest suit me and some other people. i can pay attention, can write it dow beautifully like when i want to i can have the best looking notes in class but WHAT FOR. like it genuinely doesnt help me a bit. i can rewrite it like with the blurting technique but i still forget everything the next hour. and that isnt even with notes, thats with textbooks, some like non fiction books(i love books about like space or sum but i remember shit. like i can remember that on the page five there was this "in some insignificant galaxy(milky way) in some insignificant arm of the galaxy(orion arm)(btw i had to search it up bcs i dont know the exact term in english and it hurts my soul that there in the recommended questions there was "are we in the milky way rn)were rotating around some insignificant star(the sun) and living on some insignificant planet(the earth)" but i dont remember ANYTHING ELSE. LIKE THIS RANDOM THING BUT NOT THE REST OF THE A LOT MORE SIGNIFICANT THINGS?(if anyone recognizes the quote pls don judge me im halp asleep)

okey im not gonna get mad by my inability to absorb information

than when the teacher doesnt even want to help me by giving me like the presentation or like the book where they take these exercises from than its har to be motivated to learn and like in some cases even not able to properly learn the things. i have a friend(that one who i asked about her school) who i literally wish i had her brain bcs were on about the same level of inteligence but she can absorb information like a average human being. like pls help me.

but back to the teacher, there is this one who is really weird, he doesnt really like me but when you email him about anything related to geography he will explain, give sources and you can always ask for like a graded presentation(kinda rare there for someone to give you request presentation). thank you for being the most insufferable person on the whole school but who somehow does his job.

i shouldn't even talk about our principal who is like the embodiment of satan and god of gaslighting in one if someone like that exists. bro will be like "were the BEST school in town!" and than hires a known person who hase fake degrees and has been accused of being predatory towards students. like bro pick i side.(fun fact i one time i got so mad that i went to his facebook under a fake name and started to like spit some real good arguments under his homophobic and transphobic posts and one time i got extra silly and made a bit personal joke and he blocked me💔)

like im so so so much sorry for his ELEVEN FREAKING KIDS and especially the girls bcs he said(in a very insignificant physics lesson) that theyre mistakes. bro how can you be so fucking disgusting towards your own children that you sometimes even bring to school. in front of the whole class.

hey so this is probably it bcs im getting more and more tired and tomorrow i have to wake up really early

also i know my spelling here is completely diabolical but who cares int the internet does anybody here seen th post about how bad english technically doesnt exist? think of that now

[loveandsnot]

talking is hard

why is it when i need to speak i cant? how come my lungs collapse into themselves and my throat constricts, my tongue is stuck behind the wall of my teeth, and instead of speaking, my eyes do the talking and i'll cry. i have so many things to say, but i just cant say them. I CANT. not because i don't want to, i fucking do, but my body rejects my thoughts, i don't have a say (literally) i don't argue in arguments, i don't yell, i don't speak my mind because of my fucking brain. i don't hate lots of things, but i hate that part of myself that can't get the words out. there's been misunderstandings and things left unsaid and empty arguments and unresolved feelings because i can't speak. i can't even talk to my fucking therapist. on the occasion i do speak my mind, it's short and often filled with tears. i said a little too much to my school counsellor and never went back. i don't want to feel like this. i hate feeling like this. the worst part is that nobody gets it. people are always confused to why i can't actually speak when i need to. why i don't argue back. why i don't tell anybody about my problems face-to-face. why i don't say anything except for a non-verbal nod or shake of my head i thought that therapy would help but it doesn't. it doesn't help. i want to be able to speak, but how can i if i can't even speak to her? i can't do any exercises that show any emotions. she tries to get me to do exercises to process my emotions or something, but i really hate doing them, and i can't say no, even though she's made it so clear that i can say no at any point. i hope the anxiety meds help. i'm supposed to start them after i get back from my holiday. i can't feel like this anymore i know this sounds stereotypical, but i do hide it from everyone. i keep up this cheery exterior even after i $h that morning. even after finding out something terrible, or having a panic attack, i don't show it so i don't have to talk about it. my friends are so nice, i know they'd ask if i acted off or sad. i've made plans to tell them but i always chicken out or just laugh it off. i'm not allowed to be upset or have a bad day because i don't want to talk about it. i can't talk about it. woah i got carried away,,, ermm thanks for reading this little rant(?) pls lmk if u also feel like this i do rly feel alone in this

( https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2FKxihOLn9WZR8Ogc57gEW?si=d1ebf4c52e5b4f9d ) playlist for today!!

[foreverindreamlandd]

this is your fault because i cannot stop thinking about ite bucky in his uniform🥲

so yk how they like make those calendars? you know what im talking about 👀 so im thinking of bucky maybe making like a book just for Oak to keep🥴 bc he <3 yk

Oh we are now 100000% playing the "What would Bucky put in a silly/sexy fireman's calendar for his beloved Oak?"

Let's get started shall we?

**Minors DNI below the cut**

January: Bucky standing at the front door looking out at the snow, mug of coffee in his hands, only wearing boxers and a fireman's jacket and helmet.

February: Our boy is sitting up on his elbow in bed, surrounded by candles and rose petals, skin glistening along his shirtless body only covered by the suspenders attached to his pants.

March: This handsome man knows how feral you go when he's wearing his simple navy uniform. Especially when he's wearing it at home after work. So for this, he's wearing said outfit (and purposefully wears one of his tighter shirts to get those muscles poppin out for his best girl), and is baking in the kitchen. He's covered in flour (there's a little smudge of it on his cheek), large hands kneading some dough. I need to take a shower

April: This time we take a trip to the station, and he's wearing his fire pants and jacket, shirtless once again, hanging on the side of the fire truck.

May: Now he's in the driver's seat, hands gripping the large wheel. Oh, and he's not wearing pants. Whether or not he's wearing boxers is a mystery because of the large jacket, but you still get a great view of those thicc thighs. ;)

June: Now things are heating UP, so Bucky switches to his pants/suspenders look and no jacket, pulling out the fire hose and ready to put out some fires.

July: We're back home for this one! Still sticking to the shirtless theme because....just because. He's wearing his navy cargo pants and helmet, and he's sitting in the branches of Big Oaky with Alpine in his arms, giving her a kiss on top of her head because he's literally so cute and perfect and loving UGH writing this is killing me lol.

August: Man, it is just so hot in the summer months, and Bucky is just so tired of having to lug around all those clothes. Luckily, he has a brand new pair of boxers that are covered in flames, so that's all he's wearing as he lays on your bed, hands resting behind his head, body damp from taking a fresh shower. His eyebrows are raised, face looking expected as if telling you he's waiting for you to join him.

September: He's in your dining room, wearing nothing but his fire helmet, enjoying a freshly baked apple pie. LOL but in the back of the shot you see Alpine on the floor sprawled out on her back as if impatiently waiting for dad to stop being weird and to pet her.

October: This would be a cute one where he's in his firefighter gear and he has Alpine dressed as a fire hydrant.

November: This one is a nod to the first time you slid down the firepole at the Plainberry Fall Festival. We got shirtless Bucky with the fire pants/suspenders fit suspended on his decent down the pole (you can tell this isn't just a still shot of him sliding based on the way his muscles are bulging, he's holding himself in one spot). And the bastard is winking at the camera.

December: Okay this one is gross because it's not a silly or sexy photo, it's just a favorite of his that was taken last Christmas at your house. You're standing in front of the colorfully lit tree, holding Alpine in your arms, wearing an adorable plastic firefighter hat you snagged from the Fall Festival. Bucky has his hands on your waist, and he's leaning down to kiss your neck which was unexpected so you have that adorable scrunched up face because sometimes the scruff of his beard tickles. You always thought you looked ridiculous in that photo but Bucky argues you look absolutely adorable and beautiful because how could you ever look anything but, Oak?

[neherandunasflor]

I’ve been spending the past hour listening to Ghostbusters on repeat sending millions of messages to my friends about nevermoor then deleting them all cause they left it on read. Save me from this madness, my sanity is leaving me.

[awetistic-things]

🧋 a vent ab my parent <3

cw^^ anxiety attacks mentioned, verbal abuse, self harm mentioned, caps

|🍄| keep yourself safe and don’t read this if you know it will trigger! Ava has some cool non trauma dump posts that you can look at instead! |🍄|

she calls me names all the time. like all of the time. it’s not just annoying, it hurts. like a lot. she calls me things like a*hole and weirdo, jokingly. I always laugh though as a coping mechanism (no clue why??). me and my brother called her Karen when that was trending and she can’t get over it. telling her to get over it is not an option. last time I told her how I felt she got super angry and said “you have no right to tell me what to do” or something like that. I actually didn’t even tell her what to do, I asked a rhetorical question which effectively acts as a statement. anyways, it triggered an anxiety attack or something (?) idk. I didn’t have trouble breathing I was just very emotional and scared to the point where I was going to call the police because I thought she was going to hurt me (physically or verbally) and I wasn’t sure anybody in my house would help me or would be able to. she’s remarked multiple times that she could “really be crazy”. I locked myself in the bathroom for safety. I turned the light off to prolong her not knowing I was in there. I actually hid in the bathtub where you wouldn’t be able to tell if I was in there so if she unlocked the door from the outside she wouldn’t find me immediately. since we’re already here talking about things she’s done she’s also called me &my brother racial insults. whenever she’s mad she calls us the nword and it feels racially motivated. my siblings and I are all half black. she’s also technically half black but nobody would perceive her as such. she has white skin, we do not. that same day I got super scared and stuff my mom requested something from my brother. he said no because he has the right to do whatever he wants including say no. she got mad and somehow (most things are foggy from that night) we ended up driving to McDonalds to grab some food. she was speeding which also triggered me because I’ve been in a car accident before and even though it wasn’t a total wreck, it was still traumatic. speeding and slamming breaks is very triggering for me. my school bus driver recently slammed on brakes for no reason. she was trying to make a point that we should wear seatbelts, which, point taken but that triggered me so bad. I know it’s not really her problem but I was holding back tears. anyways sry for tangent back to the story. so we were on our way to McDonalds and she’s speeding. as she’s speeding she’s going on and on about how my brother is an nword hard r for saying no to her after “aLl ShEs DoNe FoR hIm”. she’s done nothing but abuse him and I only have sympathy for him. she does this all the time. you say no and she gets so mad. she’s diagnosed with bipolar something but I’m not sure exactly what. I don’t talk about it because I’m afraid of her reaction. I’m scared that I will literally die. my siblings are moving out. as selfish as this is, I won’t have anymore protection. I’ll be her therapist and her outlet for anger, frustration, everything. my other parent isn’t even an option for me. I would rather be homeless than live with him. Surprisingly, I don’t self harm. that actually makes me feel very invalid but I’m pretty sure daily verbal abuse is sufficient trauma. (any trauma is “sufficient“!)

anyway that is a LONG ask. side note completely unrealted: my crushes name is ayva but I’m not gonna ask her out like ever bc she hates me for some reason (probably the autism!!) and is a suspected homophobe. but anytime I go back to your carrd to check your ask rules and stuff bc I always forget and/or wanna double check I think of her 💕. also if you want to hear more about my family issues or my crush (pls ask me to talk about her pls) or something I’ll do it ig?

if you actually sat here and read this whole thing ily forever and ever and ever! 🫂💏 /p

[tw: check ask]

[yourmidnightlover]

rock

Summary - spencer wants to figure out what's wrong with you, only to be reminded what day it is and he remembers why you've been so distant.

TW: talk abt: rape, recovery, therapy, case stuff; mention of: drug addiction, rape, miscarriage, being shot, death lol

WC - 4,283

!DISCLAIMER! - i am in no way trying to romanticize recovery from a traumatic event or being upset/depressed/anxious. this is kinda my way of getting through my own issues, so please don't think that's what i'm trying to do in any way. i also don’t know how i feel abt this ending since i wrote it so long ago but oh well!

i just realized there are a few spoilers so i'll put *asterisks* around them. those parts are just explaining how the reader's always there for the team.

----------------------------------

you had always been the rock in spencer's life.

mentally, at least.

when he had nobody there for him when he was going through his addiction with dilaudid, there you were. you helped him through it when everybody else on the team acted as if they never noticed.

you were the one that encouraged him to get help, and pushed him to follow through. you made sure he ate and talked to someone when he had his urges again, even if it wasn't you.

you let him come over and cry about what had happened, and how unfair his life was. you consoled him and would tell him how nothing was his fault. how he didn't deserve anything bad in his life.

*and when emily 'died', he went to your house every day. you held him as he felt himself falling apart from losing her. you didn't even worry about yourself needing to be consoled, because spencer needed you to be there for him.

*when she came back you were the one to convince him to forgive her. you talked sense into him. you reminded him how much he pleaded to have her back, and then he did. so he managed to forgive her... because of you and your logic.

*and you weren't just there for spencer. while, yes, you made a special effort to be there for him, you were there for everyone on the team.

*when derek was arrested back in chicago and the team found out about his past, you were the one he leaned on for comfort. you and penelope. you let him cry on your shoulder and yell at you about how twisted a man would have to be to do something so cruel to a child.

*when jj was kidnapped and beaten to a miscarriage, you were the first she told. you didn't say anything. you knew there was nothing you could say that would relinquish the pain of losing a child. so you let her cry. you let her hug you for what felt like hours. you let her grief her unborn baby for as long as she needed.

*when penelope was shot, nobody cared to check up on her after the fact except you. you went to her apartment for weeks just to make sure she was okay. eventually, she was able to let loose all of her frustrations on you, and you took it like a champ. she ranted about how she just wanted to be loved by someone attractive and how unfair and cruel the world is, in spite of how much good she tries to bring into it.

*when hotch lost hailey, you took care of his files. you offered to watch henry and let hotch cry to you about losing her a few times once you broke past his tough exterior. you even cried with him and jack. you made them dinner whenever you could, and helped him look for good nannies to help care for jack.

*when rossi lost carolyn, you went to her grave with him on many occasions. you brought him his favorite scotch, which was very pricey, and his favorite cigars, also very pricey, and tried your best to recreate 'the rossi special' upon his directions. it helped him feel in control of something when he needed it.

*and when emily came back from the dead, you helped walk her through her own grief. she lost herself, and buried her emotions. you helped her dig up her old self, and grow into an even better woman. you even took care of her cat when penelope couldn't manage. you helped emily grieve her own death when she wanted to deny it ever happened, and she was forever grateful for you.*

you had become like the team's built-in therapist when something bad happened, and you loved it that way. you loved being the one the team went to when they needed it. it made you feel as though you had a purpose, which was something you desperately needed.

but when you went through your own trauma almost a year ago, you refused help from anyone. you knew you should've asked someone for help, or at least someone to cry or talk to when you needed to.

the team had been working on a case for longer than expected, 8 days now, and everyone was really frustrated. you had released the profile 7 days ago, and there was still no new information. it was as if the unsub had gone dormant, and you all couldn't bear that thought.

when the team released earlier than normal from the precinct and you all went to the hotel you had been staying at, you decided to get a drink from the bar quickly. you went alone, wanting to review a few of the case files during the process and not needing a distraction.

you ordered a jack and coke, and opened the case files to begin rereading them, seeing if you had missed anything.

victims were kept for 24 hours, filmed, raped, restrained, cut in pieces, and thrown in the trash like garbage. it was absolutely disgusting, and the worst you had seen in a while. the victims were low-risk and most of them had a place of authority.

the unsub had been profiled to be someone who was bossed around by a woman, narcissistic and egotistical, wanted to feel more power and authority.

the problem is, that profile was most people living in the area. even penelope couldn't dwindle down the suspects.

and alas, you had missed nothing. nothing new appeared or caught your eye. you gulped down the rest of your drink and paid for it before packing up your things to head upstairs. you tossed the file back into your bag and began the trek to the elevator.

you were interrupted by something hitting the top of your head, rendering you unconscious.

the team had woken up, and after waiting around for half an hour, spencer realized something was wrong. he had morgan bust into your room, only to find the bed unslept in. you were missing. and the worst part... you fit the unsubs type.

spencer felt his heart drop at the realization he had taken you. and it seemed as though there was no trail as to where you had gone. penelope checked the cameras, only to find that they were hacked right after you left the bar, and then they resumed after you were taken.

at least they had a time frame.

later that day, after everyone hasting to figure something, anything out, spencer had gotten an email. he opened it and expected it to be relentless spam, only to realize it was a live feed video. a video of you. he instantly called penelope in hopes that she could trace it.

she said she could, but it would take some time because the amount of routers it had been going through.

while they were waiting, you noticed you were alone. you knew who the unsub was too, thanks to his baffling stupidity and narcissism that lead him to believe he wouldn't get caught.

"officer johnson! it's officer johnson!" you looked around the camera for a second, noticing something moving. "he-he here," you cried out. "i love you," you said to the camera to nobody in particular, but someone in mind.

you were terrified. spencer could see it in your eyes. he could see the tears you tried not to shed. you didn't want to please him, but you couldn't help but feel the absolute horror and fear coursing through your body at a relentless pace.

"hi there, missus fbi," he teased, finally walking into the frame with a ski mask over his face, clearly not aware that we knew his identity.

spencer told garcia who he was, and she began her digging. officer johnson's great grandparents had owned a farm that was since then refurbished. it was an hour away.

officer johnson had known that you two had chemistry. that's why he sent the email to spencer. he saw the longing glares, the 'innocent' touches, the smiles you would give each other, the longing looks you shared. he wanted to torment him.

so when he began undressing you and you turned your face away from the camera in hopes of sparing some of your own dignity, spencer felt his heart breaking for you. it broke even more when he heard the yelps, and screams, and please, and "no!'s" you elicited during the act.

they caught him before he cut you, but not before he finished the first part of his plan. your skirt was ripped, and your shirt was practically in two pieces. spencer had given you his jacket to cover yourself as much as you could.

you stayed silent the ride back. you didn't even let spencer hold you like you normally would after a tough case. you were ashamed. embarrassed. you felt worthless. you felt pathetic. you felt stupid. you felt helpless. you felt like you were drowning. you felt like you were without a life raft.

you knew you could talk to the team about it, but you felt so disgusted by the thought of what happened to you that you only talked about it in your therapy sessions.

hotch had given you two months off. he wanted you to grieve, and go to therapy, and try to cope with everything that had happened.

and you did try to do that. you tried your hardest to get over it and move past it, but nothing helped. not the journaling. not the talking. not the crying. nothing was working.

spencer gave you a little space at first, but he then decided to try to help you as you had helped him. he went over to your house almost every day, and sat outside your door after you wouldn't let him in.

you knew he was there... you sat on the other side.

"i-i know that you probably don't want to see anyone right now. and i'm uh, i'm sure you feel alone right now, or like you can't talk to anyone," spencer sniffled. "but pl-please just uhm, just know that i'm here when you want to talk about it. i'm here to listen to you when you need me to. i-i don't want you to be alone during this time, y/n. please, just let me in," he begged.

that was normally what he would say almost every night he went to your house. he would sit outside for hours after he would ask you to let him in without fail. until one day you let him in.

spencer felt so much relief when you opened the door, only for it to be smashed when he noticed your eyes looked red and puffy, your cheeks were stained with the tears you had been crying for so long. your cheeks were sunken in, and there were dark circles underneath your eyes that were once full of life and happiness. your eyes no longer had that gorgeous sparkle in them.

spencer vowed he would get them back.

as much as spencer wanted to wrap his arms around you in that moment, to comfort you and tell you that he was there, he wanted you to make the first move. he wanted to tell you how strong you were and how proud of you he was for getting through that. he wanted to tell you how much he loved you.

he wanted you to make the first touch, because he didn't want to further upset you. he didn't want to trigger a repressed memory, or bring back the feelings of what had happened.

but spencer's touch was nothing like the officer's. spencer's touch was soft and gentle. spencer's touch was feather-light and endearing. spencer's touch was love and home. the officer's was brittle, and rough, and repulsive.

"hug me?" you sniffled as your eyes welled with tears again as they had been for the past three weeks.

"of course," spencer slowly wrapped his arms around your shoulders as yours found his torso.

he walked inside with you still in his arms and slowly shut the door. without breaking from the hug, you both walked to the couch and sat down.

you didn't say anything. you just needed spencer to keep hugging you, so he did. he did whatever you wanted, needed, from him. eventually, you fell asleep in his embrace on the couch.

when spencer looked down at you, now sleeping against his chest, he couldn't bring his heart to remove himself from you. so like any whipped man would do, he carefully picked you up bridal styled and carried you to your room. he took his shoes off as well as his sweater vest before cuddling back up next to you.

as if it was a reflex, you cuddled up into his chest when he neared you again and got underneath the covers. spencer slept the best he did in months with you. and you slept without officer johnson in your dreams for the first time since that day.

ever since then, spencer had been making sure you were eating and drinking. he took you to your therapy sessions and stayed over most nights you had asked and he was able to.

they had a few cases during the two months, so every moment he could, spencer was with you. he coaxed you back to your normal-ish self. he watched as that glimmer in your eye began to slowly grow brighter everyday. he watched as your smile came back, and your tears didn't come so frequently.

the first time he had heard you laugh again, spencer had thought he was dreaming. he wished he had recorded that moment. he was more grateful than he's ever been in his life that he had an eidetic memory, because that sound would forever be engraved in his brain.

when you returned to work, you clung to spencer. he had become your tether to reality, and hope. he had become your rock during the recovery.

over the months, everyone slowly began to forget what had even happened. things went on as usual, and the team forgot the traumatic experience you had gone through. even spencer might've let the experience get lost in his brain.

so when it became 11 months and 3 weeks since the abduction, you began to distance yourself once again.

you politely declined going out with the team a couple days before the anniversary, something you never did. you insisted that you were just especially worn out from the case you had just been on.

spencer had to finish files given to him by derek anyway, so he didn't get to witness the encounter.

once the day of the anniversary came upon you, you found yourself feeling sick to your stomach. you couldn't help the tears that would fall from your face every so often. you knew why you felt this way, but you wanted to push past it.

you had gone into the office wearing a pantsuit and blazer, wanting to avoid the normal office skirt you happened to be wearing the day it happened. you stayed at your desk and quietly did your case files. you didn't even greet spencer as you would every day. you gave him a kind smile, but you would normally give him a hug, or at the very least an eager wave upon his arrival.

spencer just assumed it was one of those days where you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. it wasn't spencer's fault he thought this. he didn't even look at his calendar to check what day it was. he just knew they had paperwork.

but he did have this day marked in his calendar. he had it marked so he would remember to be extra kind to you, and do your files for you, and come to your place with your favorite wine and takeout. he wanted to help you through the one year anniversary, but he forgot to check his stupid calendar.

you thought he didn't care. you thought the man who you loved, and the man who helped you through everything that had happened had had enough of your complaining and grievances. so, you didn't tell him about it. you didn't bother him with the terrible thoughts clouding your mind because you thought it'd burden him.

so when you finished all of your case files early, you asked hotch if you could leave early, at 2:00, because you had things to tend to. he allowed you to do so, but this rose a flag for spencer.

he saw you exit without saying goodbye to him, something you hadn't done the entirety of knowing him. you had always told everyone to have a nice night and to be safe before leaving, but not today.

finally, he looked at his phone for the first time all day, only to feel like the worst person in the world to realize what day it was. spencer felt absolutely horrible at this revelation and ran into hotch's office as quick as he could after packing his things.

"hotch!" he exclaimed upon opening his office door.

"go. she was practically in tears," hotch informed him. "and reid," spencer stopped in his tracks to turn and look at the stern man, "please make sure she's okay." spencer gave him a soft grin and a nod before turning around and bolting out of the office.

you had gotten home and immediately burst into tears. you shut the door with your back, and slid down it. you had never understood why people had done that in movies until now. you just couldn't wait to break any longer, so you settled for your front door.

you held back no wail, or scream as you cried in front of your door, your knees pulled up to your chest as you held them tightly.

you wondered why you had to go through that. you wanted to know what kind of karma there was for someone who had always tried to do the right thing to be hurt... and for nobody to even care. nobody wanted to console you, or to make sure you were alright.

you had checked up on everyone on every anniversary of their struggles. whether it be a death, abduction, anything, you had been there for every single anniversary or reminder. and nobody was there for you.

nobody was there for you to hug, or to lean on, or to cry to, or to scream at, or to rant to. nobody was there. nobody loved you enough to care about that.

but then you had to remind yourself that they all had lives.

but the person who is your life didn't even care.

spencer didn't care.

and that's why you truly lost it.

he acted like it was just another day. he acted like it wasn't the anniversary of the day you thought you were going to die. the day you wanted to die. the day you felt your most low, and humiliated. the day you lost all hope. and he didn't remember.

if the man with an eidetic memory didn't remember, it must be extremely insignificant. so therefore, you must be extremely insignificant.

spencer raced to your house. he wanted to be there for you today, and he failed. he felt like a failure as a friend. he hated himself for not being there for you when he knew you would need him. he knew how you clung to him in your time of need. you thought he was worthy enough to hold onto when you needed someone, and spencer felt elated at that.

but now he wasn't there for you. and you needed him.

he had quickly stopped by the store and your favorite takeout place to get the things you'd want. he got your wine, chocolate, food, flowers, and a teddy bear that had a sweater vest on him - you've always loved his sweater vests.

when he got to the steps of your house, he felt his heart drop. as he walked closer he heard the wails of your crying right by the door. he could sense the heartache from the edge of your porch, and felt himself feel even worse, which he didn't think was possible.

he instantly ran to the door and knocked profusely. you sniffled one last time, feeling embarrassed that someone had heard you crying your heart out. you had figured one of your neighbors heard you and wanted to tell you to keep it down, so you wiped your tears and the stray mascara from underneath your eyes and opened the door, keeping your eyes lowered in embarrassment.

"y/n," spencer announced sadly, a tear falling down his face. you looked up in confusion from hearing his voice. you noticed his tear and reached up to wipe it away on instinct.

"why're you crying? are you okay?" you asked, forgetting all of your own problems at the sight of spencer crying. spencer let out a small chuckle at your concern.

"i'm alright, aside from the fact that i'm a terrible friend," he admitted as his smile quickly faded upon seeing your stained cheeks. "i brought your favorites," he offered, holding the bag of goodies in one hand and the takeout in another.

"y-you... why?" you asked, wanting to make sure you weren't misreading the situation for him trying to comfort you.

"why?" he asked in disbelief. "because it's the anniversary. i can't tell you how sorry i am, y/n. i swear i marked it on my calendar and planned for us to take off so i could take care of you. i-i just woke up late and never bothered to even check my phone. i kn-know it's no excuse... but i am so, so, so sorry," he rambled out, already tearing up.

you grabbed his arm gently and pulled him inside before you started crying in front of your neighbors. you took the bags from his hands and placed them on your coffee table.

"i thought you just didn't care," you shrugged as you took a seat on the couch, prompting him to sit beside you.

"y/n..." he sighed as he realized how terrible he screwed up. "i will always care about this. i will always care about you. don't ever think differently. i'm just incredibly... dumb sometimes. i can't believe i made you think that," he trailed on. "i will never not care about you, y/n. i swear it. i will always, always care about you. i will always love you," he froze as he realized what he just revealed. your eyes widened, and squinted, and roamed his face, trying to figure out if he meant the words he had just sped out. "i truly do, y/n. i i’m in love with you and i'm so sorry i made it seem otherwise."

it took you a second to absorb everything that he had said.

"you too," you solemnly admitted. "i’m in love with you too. and i could forgive you... for almost forgetting," you gave him a small smile.

"i'm glad you could forgive me. i don't know what i'd do if you didn't," he relished. "you actually love me?" you nodded with a small smile.

"i have for a while," you turned your head to the bags on the table.

"oh! right!" he said, reaching for the gifts. "i got your favorite takeout, your favorite wine, your favorite chocolates, flowers, and..." he trailed on as he revealed each item. "i saw this teddy, and i couldn't resist," he smiled.

you took the bear, taking in its appearance. it had a light blue, navy, and white diamond pattern sweater vest and brown shoes on. it looked like spencer, just teddy bear form. you smiled widely at the sentiment.

"it's you," you grinned as you took it in your arms, hugging it tightly as you saw spencer nodded with a smile mirroring that of your own. "i love it," you chuckled.

"i would understand, the fur is really soft," he relished in the thought.

"i don't think he'd be as good of a cuddler as the real thing, though," you grimaced. "but he'll do for when i don't have you here i guess," you shrugged with a smile.

"i plan on being here as long as you'll let me," he said softly.

"always," you grinned, setting down the teddy bear and trading him for the real spencer reid.

"always," he repeated, taking you in his arms and squeezing you tightly as if you'd float away at any moment. "now let's dig into this food while you talk about your feelings, if you want that is," he said after releasing you from the hug.

"i think i want to," you nodded. "and spence?" he turned from getting the food out of the bag to look at you for a second. "thank you for being my rock through all of this."

"i'll always be your rock, y/n."

@averyhotchner  @greenprisca  @muffin-cup

[gwyns]

You know what baffles me? E*riel-Elain stans shaming and calling other Elain stans misogynistic for wanting to see her go out and explore the world like she’s wanted to and maybe even join the boe, because according to THEM Elain chooses to remain in the nc and is content and happier than ever with her assigned friends and the man she has a deep connection with and has been in wuv with for ✨four books✨ (but would probably freak if she learned he got off on powder. Am I lying tho)

They all act like her book is next, but seems to me she doesn’t need a book at all 💀

I mean why would she if she’s so happy and content? Oh riteeee to play Ms. therapist for Azriel how could I forget my bad

see, this is what i (and many others) have been saying. if elain is so happy and content in the night court and already has her "true love" and "found family" then wtf do we need her book for?? those are things that are found within (nearly) every sjm book so pls tell me how elain is going to have a book without leaving the confines of her safe life.

she needs to get out of her comfort zone to grow and she cannot do that if she stays in the night court. i'm sorry but sjm made that pretty clear imo. why else would she focus on how black doesn't suit elain? it's symbolism for the night court as a whole. elain can try to "fit in" but ultimately she's suffering there. she's coddled to hell and as she herself stated, her trauma gets used by other people to showcase how it affects them. nobody really stops to think about what, exactly, it is that she wants or needs. so black suits feyre and nesta bc their place is in the night court (with their mates 😌), but elain's seemingly isn't. at least, not at her current state.

i will never understand why they're ok with all of their "content" happening off page like the whole bread and roses thing lmfaooooo you never saw them having an actual deep conversation or falling in love or making the little bagels but i'm supposed to believe they're each other's endgame???

[barnesandco]

Little Hands (IV)

Series Masterlist

Communication is key.

This is an entry for @star-spangled-bingo 2021. Word count: 2248. Square filled: “Sung to Sleep”

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: More Hydra Evilness, More Sad Child, Parental Anxieties. Brief mentions of war, sickness, death, grief. 

A/N: I know 2.2k words isn’t objectively a lot but boy did this feel like it. I hope every word is worth it and that you enjoy! Lmk what you think!!! Also I won’t even lie, the idea of Steve’s kids is 100% from one of my favorite comfort fics, family means no one gets left behind or forgotten, by the genius, the wonderful cosmicocean. IT’S SO SOFT. Pls read it.

You’re stunned when Bucky tells you what’s going on. The idea that his daughter (?) was made in a lab like some kind of experiment, and that the man who led said experiment now wants her back like she is his property, his weapon, is too horrid to consider for very long. Weaponizing an innocent child. Hydra.

Bucky gave you the broad strokes of the investigation – currently running on little more than educated guesses based on the meagre intel they have – and has let you know that he has had to recuse himself from the case, due to his… personal connection. That leaves him somewhere he finds awkward, to say the least.

It's evident in the way the corners of his lips turn down, how he is constantly rubbing the pads of his fingers against the coarse scratch of denim, while he watches Ana watch Zoya, Steve’s 17-year-old daughter, working on a tablet. Zoya tucks a strand of hair behind her hijab, then continues to draw up a storyboard, narrating the events to the younger girl. Steve had apparently forgotten the lunch his kids had made him at home, so Zoya had brought it in, and decided to stay the day.

Ana’s quiet, attentive for the most part, listening with her full capabilities, but her eyes flit away from the screen every now and then to look at you and Bucky, as if to reassure herself that you’re still there.

Besides that, there aren’t all that many distractions present for an already precocious child. Most of the team has dispersed for the investigation, with the exception of Peter, who is sat at a table in the corner making intentionally fruitless efforts at teaching Morgan chess, while she giggles and tries to stack the pieces like Jenga blocks instead.

However, Bucky’s restlessness is infectious, and you think he needs to get it under check before it grows any further. That’s why you stand, saying, “Could we go for a little walk, Bucky?”

He nods, man of few words that he is, and leads the way. You’re sure he knows that you formulated it like a request for his benefit, but he doesn’t mention it. It’s just as well – that he knows you like that, and knows when to accept the proverbial hand being offered.

Bucky takes you to a corner of the roof that you’d mistake for a community garden if you didn’t know any better. The Avengers seem to have green thumbs, or at least, a significant portion of them do. They’re good with plants, and possessive about them, too. Autumn ferns grow outside the circle they seem to have been planted in – with a sign shouting Wanda! – to invade the territory of a vegetable garden labelled Bruce (accompanied by a Hulkish, green thumbs up presumably not drawn by the man himself).  

Meticulously maintained daylilies and columbines, in vivid reds and vibrant purples, litter the edges of the path that has been carved through this little paradise, and the birdhouses between them stake the claim of the owner more effectively than a neon sign screaming Sam Wilson. Bucky’s told you about his abilities, how they veer into the decidedly supernatural but Sam insists are only the residue of a childhood with homing pigeons.

Nothing here looks like Bucky’s, though. He seems to be taking it in, perhaps thinking about his own little paradise back in the city, and how he’s chosen to keep it distant from that of his teammates. That worries you. He worries you.

And this, the situation with Anastasia, becoming a father, it’s terrifying. Hell, if it scares you this much, how is he feeling? You ask him as much.

“Bucky, are you okay?”

He laughs, softly, disbelievingly, no malice in his scoff, only fear. Only the sound of a voice saturated with consternation and total, complete anxiety. “Would you be?” He asks back.

“That’s why I’m asking.”

Bucky evades the questions, turning first one way on the path, and then the other, approaching the edge clear of shrubbery and blooms alike, resting his palms on the top of the wall.

“I can’t be a father.”

The solemnity in his tone allows no room for negotiations, but then, neither do the facts. “You are,” you reply, somewhat hesitantly, because the technicalities of how Ana came to be are still a little blurry to you. She’s far from a normal child, and not quite a clone, either. She is of Bucky, though. His, in any way that counts.

“That little girl was created in a Hydra lab as a super soldier to serve the cause,” he says, shaking his head vigorously as the cause repulses him even more than it does you. “And who knows what else she was put through before SHIELD fell and Orlov got her out, and it’s my fault.”

“You didn’t—”

“I didn’t ask for it to happen but it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t happened. They used me to make a super soldier from scratch, and now I’m supposed to raise her? It’s not that simple. I’m not Steve. I can’t…”

Being honest, you feel you’re pretty far out of your depth here. But you’ve promised him your help, and you’ll do your best.

“You don’t have to. There are other options.” You’re sure you’re overstepping. Perhaps this gentle companionship has not yet reached the point where you can give advice on parenting. But if you don’t, who will? Steve, whose answers don’t enter the gray territory Bucky’s mind is residing in right now, who parents like he was born for it?

Steve chose fatherhood. Bucky has been nailed to it like it’s a new cross to bear, heavier than all the previous ones put together.

His gaze roams the grounds that stretch as far as you can see. You’re both far away from home right now, far outside your comfort zones.

“I’m sorry for dragging you into my mess, sweetheart. It’s not right. You have things to do, and I shouldn’t have—”

“Bucky, I’ve been staring at the same four sentences of dialogue for the past month. I literally could not have been happier to get out of the house. Even if I do wish it was under better circumstances,” you say fervently. You’re here because he needs you. Because Ana needs you. It’s nice to be needed.

“That’s one way to put it,” he smiles, and you’re glad to see it.

“Not to mention, it’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault except whoever your team is looking for,” you insist. “And Ana’s a sweet girl. A little quiet, but Baba says I was, too.”

This, Bucky thinks about. You wonder if he was a quiet child, too. “What’s he like?”

“Hmm?” The reverie snaps like a rubber band.

“Your father?” Bucky asks, shyly, his eyes meeting yours, letting you know exactly why he’s asking.

You look up at the clouds, think back to Boston, to time shared between the library and the park. A childhood with books, lunch breaks under a desk in an office at MIT, stealing his glasses and running away with them, rubbing at his stubbly beard like he was a housecat. Inside jokes with your father and rolled eyes with your mother. Laughter and tears, laughter with tears.

After a long while, trying and failing to summarize your father, you say, “A jokester. The most sarcastic person I know. But still kind of neurotic, to be honest. The kind of parent that makes you show up at the airport a full four hours before your flight.” It’s grossly insufficient. For a writer, you’re not very good with words. You suppose it’s not the words that are the problem; it’s the lifetime they have to encompass. “What about yours?”

Bucky sighs. “Soldier. He’s one thing I don’t feel bad for not remembering because it wasn’t Hydra that wiped those memories. He just died when I was really small. Survived the Great War only to be killed by TB a few years later at home.”

“I’m sorry.” You avert your eyes. Grief feels private, even decades later, even in the smallest doses.

He shakes his head, smiles fondly, up at the sky, too, like you did. Only, he’s smiling at it, like he’s thinking of someone beyond the clouds. “Don’t be. Was a long time ago.”

“That doesn’t mean it isn’t allowed to hurt anymore.”

“You sound like my therapist.”

“I sound like my therapist.”

At this, the two of you look at each other and burst into laughter. It feels forbidden, as though the severity of the situation condemns joy. That isn’t fair, you think. The situation is that of a child, and nobody needs laughter more than kids do. Food for the soul.

When the echo of your exhilarations falls, Bucky grows serious once more. “They have them for kids, now, too, right?” He asks, referring to therapists. “Do you think Anastasia should see one? She’s not exactly… normal, you know?”

“Maybe.” It’s a difficult question, but a good indicator of how Bucky is growing to feel about Ana. “You’d make a good dad, if you wanted to be one, Bucky,” you say, and mean it. It’s plain as day that he cares about her.

“I can’t even remember my own.”

“Parental instincts are intuitive, not genetic,” you tell him.

“You been reading handbooks?” He teases.

“You’d be surprised by how much you learn from the rabbit holes you fall down while researching books,” you deadpan.

“Can any of that research get the nightmares out of my head? I think it might scare a kid.”

The self-deprecation hurts, but your response is honest, heartfelt. “She likes you already.”

“She won’t if she thinks I’ve run away,” he answers, straightening up. He might be trying to evade the conversation, but you’ll let him, for now. He’s gotten some fresh air, had some time to clear his thoughts, or sort them, at least. And so you return, to the little girl who has a tighter grip on both of you than you even realize.

------

Ana grows unsettled as night darkens the sky. It could be the ruckus she isn’t quite used to. It could be the toy fire truck Tony has been altering with his utensils to increase its noise output, much to Morgan’s amusement. It could be the actual parrot perched on Sam’s shoulder.

Whatever the cause, she hasn’t succumbed to it enough to make a seat out of the fridge again. She’s sitting in her seat, between Bucky and yourself, eating the hummus Bruce and Wanda have made. Nat discusses sniper scopes with Clint, Peter tries to get away with eating the side of vegetables on Jordan’s plate without Steve noticing, and Bucky eats silently, eyes almost constantly on Anastasia, who takes it all in while her knee bounces up and down with an ever-increasing speed, much like her father’s.

You excuse yourselves soon after dessert, after Morgan has fallen asleep against Jordan’s arm on the couch, and Steve and Tony’s friendly debate is starting to develop the edge it tends to when they’ve been bantering for too long.

Bucky sets up on the sectional in his room, and leaves the ridiculously large double bed to you and Anastasia. It’s been a strange, strange day, and one can only hope that tomorrow brings some ease, a balm for the prickly, fiery ache that has settled over the man you care so much about.

------

When you wake, it’s because of singing. For half a moment, you think you’re in a dream, but as your eyes adjust to the blanket of dark, you see the shadow on the sofa nearby. Only, it’s bigger than just Bucky. Anastasia is sitting on his lap, her head cushioned against his chest. Scrambling for your glasses, and turning on the lamp on the bedside table, you notice that there are trails of drying tears on her little cheeks, and she’s still shaking with the aftershocks of whatever scare she must’ve had during the night.

Not for the first time, you curse your deep sleep that meant you didn’t wake with Ana, but watch in wonder as Bucky sings.

Hush, little baby, don't say a word Papa's going to buy you a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird won't sing Papa's going to buy you a diamond ring

Ana’s eyes begin to close, but she fights the sleep. Bucky doesn’t let her. He lies down, easing her down beside himself, singing all the while.

And if that diamond ring turns brass Papa's going to buy you a looking glass

And if that looking glass gets broke Papa's going to buy you a billy goat

His voice fills the room, low though it may be, and he curls himself around Ana.

And if that billy goat won't pull Papa's going to buy you a cart and bull

And if that cart and bull turn over Papa's going to buy you a dog named Rover

She succumbs to the lull of his tone, his song, his promises, sighs a little sigh, lets the last, little hiccup leave her body.

And if that dog named Rover won't bark Papa's going to buy you a horse and cart

And if that horse and cart fall down You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town

Bucky lifts his hand from where it was stroking the hair at her temple, and lays his arm over his daughter. They’re safe, for now. Together.