#no one prepares you for how high the suicide rate is in college | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tallmantall · 23 days ago

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James Donaldson on Mental Health - Ask the expert: How can adults help prevent youth suicide?

James Donaldson on Mental Health - Ask the expert: How can adults help prevent youth suicide? Warning: This story talks about suicide. If you or someone you know needs help, please call, text or chat the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. You matter. You are important. Crystal Cederna is an associate professor in the Charles Stewart Mott Department of Public Health in the Michigan State University College of Human Medicine. She has worked with more than 4,000 youth patients and families and sees a clear need for preventive mental health. Here, she shares insight about how parents and caring adults can help tweens and teens who may be at risk for suicide. What are the trends in youth mental health? Surveys of U.S. high school students by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, or CDC, spanning from 2013 to 2023 show that poorer mental health is evident in almost every way. Specifically, there were increases in persistent feelings of sadness and hopelessness — to the point that these feelings were reported to negatively impact everyday life. Also, the number of youths seriously considering a suicide attempt doubled in those 10 years. In 2013, almost 10% of teens surveyed had made a suicide plan. In 2023, the rate was 20%. That’s not a level we can ignore. What are warning signs that might indicate a young person is considering suicide? Many teens will share with someone — either a trusted adult or a friend — that they’re having thoughts of wanting to die or take their life. Those contemplating or preparing for suicide often feel hopeless about the future. This can show up as having no goals or events they’re looking forward to, struggling to create future-oriented plans, or making gloomy future-outlook statements, such as, “Things will never get better.” They may also think or say things that suggest they see themselves as a burden or that life is not worth living. All of these statements should be taken very seriously. Clear changes in mood or behavior that last a couple weeks or more are also reason for concern. Does the youth appear more anxious, irritable or sad than usual? Do they show bigger mood swings or have more difficulty managing their mood? Watch for withdrawal from social activities and activities that were once enjoyed. For example, if your child skips a dance or school event they’d usually love, this could indicate something more is going on. Also, do they spend significantly more time alone or in their room than usual? Alternatively, a youth may start engaging in more risky or reckless behaviors, such as substance use and self-injurious behaviors. They may give away prized possessions or write goodbye letters to loved ones. Another warning sign is searching the internet for ways to harm themself or take their life. If you see a search history on a kid’s device that shows they’ve looked up ways to self-harm or take their life, that would be very concerning. Things that are red flags include the thoughts, behaviors and feelings above, particularly when paired with recent losses, changes or stressors — like failing an exam, a breakup with a romantic partner or a conflict with a best friend. Research tells us that risk factors are different for each individual based on their relationships and family situation and their community or environment. Some general examples of things that might increase risk for suicidal ideation or an attempt include: - untreated or inadequately treated mental health conditions like anxiety or depression; - a history of hurting themselves or suicide attempt(s); - unaddressed stressors, exposure to extreme stress, and/or multiple ongoing stressors for the child, family or their community; - access to potential means for self-harm; and - lack of access to help and professional mental health services. Also, adults need to know that sometimes warning signs are too subtle to notice or seemingly nonexistent. Not every child is prepared, comfortable or has a trusted adult with whom to share their struggles or suffering. #James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com Link for 40 Habits Signupbit.ly/40HabitsofMentalHealth If you'd like to follow and receive my daily blog in to your inbox, just click on it with Follow It. Here's the link https://follow.it/james-donaldson-s-standing-above-the-crowd-s-blog-a-view-from-above-on-things-that-make-the-world-go-round?action=followPub How do I approach a youth whose mental health I’m worried about? If you plan to initiate a conversation about mental health, prepare yourself. First and foremost, give yourself some grace. Having tough conversations is challenging. You’re human and you’re not going to say everything perfectly. That’s okay. Showing you care and are there to help are the most important things. When you start a conversation with a tween or teen, create a safe space free of interruptions and distractions. Be as free of judgment as possible. Let them know you are there to share your concern. Then listen to learn, not to change their reality or talk them out of anything. Afterward, express gratitude that they shared their experience(s) with you. Assure the youth that you want to support them in getting the help that they need. Here are some suggestions: - Sit down and say, “Hey. I’ve noticed some things are different about you lately. Not bad. Just different. How are you? Like really?” - If nothing is shared by your child, share what you’re seeing: “I’ve noticed some changes that I’d like to check in with you about.” Then say what you’ve observed. For example, “I'm seeing you not wanting to go to soccer practice. I’m seeing an F on a test in a class you love when you’ve gotten A’s your whole life. I’m seeing your phone pinging away and you’re not checking to see who’s texting you when usually you’d be glued to your phone. This is not normal for you. I’m here with you. I love you. Help me understand what I’m seeing.” - As teens share, listen quietly and nonjudgmentally. Using statements like “Tell me more.” or “What does that mean to you?” can help them open up. - Thank them for sharing. “It takes a lot to talk about what’s bothering us, at least it does for me. Thank you so much for telling me what’s going on.” - Wrap up by expressing your concern and offering to help. “I see and hear you. I would love to support you in getting help.” By resisting any temptation to deny their reality or treat their concerns as trivial, adults can show youth their reality is heard, legitimate and taken seriously. To them, whatever is troubling them, no matter how small it may appear to an adult, is a big deal. What if I learn that a tween or teen is seriously considering self-harm or suicide? A child’s safety is always the first priority. If you know a child is at risk of hurting or trying to kill themself, professional mental health evaluation and treatment are needed as soon as possible. If help is needed immediately, do the following: - Convey a message of acknowledgment, assurance of help and love. Say something like, “I see you. I hear you. We’re going to get you the help that you need. You are loved. You are important. And you are not alone.” - Call 911. - Do not leave the child without adult supervision. - Remove any type of weapon that could be lethal if used. Exactly what you need to remove will depend on what the child tells you they’ve been thinking of in terms of self-harm. It could be: guns and ammunition; cutting implements such as knives, razor blades or pencil sharpeners; or substances like over-the-counter medications, alcohol or illicit drugs. - Get the person safely to the nearest emergency room or behavioral health urgent care where they can be evaluated by a professional and given the care that they need. What should I do if my child needs help but isn’t in immediate danger? If you’re concerned about possible self-harm but the child isn’t in immediate danger, follow up with a professional who can help develop a treatment plan. A few options include: - scheduling an appointment with your child’s primary care provider, specifying that you want help with mental health concerns; - calling your county community mental health agency and asking to schedule an appointment; - taking your child to a behavioral health urgent care provider for evaluation and treatment recommendations; or - calling the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 for support and local mental health referral options. What if I’m worried about the mental health of a child that isn’t mine? If you see something, say something. You can reach out to their parents or caregivers directly. Or you can talk to the child. If they confirm they’re having a hard time with their mental health, encourage or help them tell a trusted adult in their life. Say, “Let’s work together and share this with your so they can help you get the help you need.” As a parent or primary caregiver, it can be hard to believe that your child has a mental health issue. How can adults get past this hurdle? First, understand that you have not failed as a parent if your child experiences mental health issues. We are amidst a nationwide child mental health crisis. Having a child with suicidal thoughts doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or them. It means there’s a need for more support, resources and help to navigate what’s in front of them. This can happen to anyone. And it does. It’s no one event. It’s no one person. It’s no one cause. We are living in very challenging times. Kids are multi-stressed, meaning they have stress coming from all sides and angles — from academic and athletic demands to neighborhood and school safety, and from local to global events. In today’s world, kids don’t always have the skills and resources to talk about mental health difficulties, cope with them or even recognize them. All of this creates a perfect storm. As parents, we like to think we’re all things to our kids. In reality, the older they get, the bigger the radius of influences on their health. Mental health difficulties and suicide don’t happen in a bubble. What can adults do to keep kids as mentally healthy as possible? What greatly supports kids’ resiliency is having at least one unconditional source of love and support, as well as a space where they can regularly talk and actually be heard. It does not have to be their parent — it can be any adult in their life. The space to talk and be heard could anywhere . . . at the dinner table, in the car while driving to practice, along a walking trail or looking out at water. It could be seated on a bench watching cars or people passing. What creates safety is a place where kids feel comfortable to share and be heard —uninterrupted and without judgment. Kids also benefit when we, as adults, talk about and demonstrate skills related to managing stress and our emotions. These are life skills that need to be taught, modeled and encouraged. They shouldn’t just be something a child learns after there’s a problem and they see a counselor. We need to teach youth how to handle stress and emotions as much as we’re teaching them how to tie their shoes because that’s the world we live in now. Adults and youth alike can also learn to comfortably speak up when they see something concerning in another person. Let’s say your child comes home from school and they have a disgruntled look on their face. That can be a cue to parents to ask what’s going on. Share what you’re seeing. The more we make it normal to talk about life’s ups and downs and to receive support from those around you, the more normal giving and receiving support will be. Do phones and online influences have a role in kids’ mental health? Yes. Almost all teens (ages 13-17) interface with social media. And up to four in every 10 preteens (ages 8-12) say that they use social media too. Social media, the internet and digital apps can be both harmful and protective to kids depending on how they’re used, how often and the amount of supervision in place. However, in general, the more they are used, the more risk there is for poor mental health outcomes. Signs that a child is experiencing negative effects from phone and digital use include: - missing out on real-life experiences and activities due to screen interference; - acting more critical of themselves and others; - complaining of being bullied online or their posts “not being liked enough” or “as much” as others’ posts; - reporting that they feel isolated or alone, or are having difficulties concentrating; and - not getting enough sleep or quality sleep because of device use. The mental health outcomes that can come with either too much screen time or unhealthy use of screen time for kids could be symptoms of depression, anxiety, lower self-esteem, poor body image and disordered eating behaviors. Read the full article

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bestlifeinsurancecoveragesblog · 2 years ago

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No Medical Exam Life Insurance

The death of a loved one can be devastating, but life insurance coverage is there to provide some protection for your family. Your policy pays a death benefit to beneficiaries, which can be used for a variety of things, from funeral costs to paying off debts.

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A life insurance policy can be purchased individually or through a group, such as your employer's benefits plan. You can also buy life insurance online, in the form of an "e-policy."

Buying a life insurance policy is a complicated process that requires careful consideration of your personal financial situation and goals. You'll want to understand how much coverage you need, how long you'll need it for and what your beneficiaries will receive.

The best way to decide how much coverage you need is to sit down with a financial professional. They'll help you weigh your needs against your budget, and can recommend a plan that's right for you.

You should always be honest with your financial advisor about your circumstances and goals. A good life insurance broker can be invaluable in this process, and he or she can recommend the best policy for your specific needs.

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Accidental deaths

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Suicide and high-risk hobbies

If you buy an insurance policy, it's very important to be honest about your lifestyle. If you engage in criminal activities, have a history of drug or alcohol abuse or engage in high-risk hobbies, your policy may not cover your death. Check out this website at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/topic/insurance for more info about insurance.

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mejomonster · 7 years ago

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college/young adult life advice:

if you don’t know what you want to do yet, but plan to go, first aim for an associates degree. Chances are you will meet most/all of the prerequisites for most bachelors degrees if you do this first. (Make sure all classes you take are transferable if you go to community college/plan to switch colleges/aren’t sure). If you have some/a specific bachelors major in mind (like engineering, medical, law, something in-depth) make sure u take the extra pre-reqs for those degrees during your two year associates, just in case. You can change your mind later.

A bachelors might take 5 years. Most universities nowadays make it so if you go to school full time it still takes 5 years, and on top of that you might change your major, and on top of that advisors sometimes give u shitty advice so you need an extra semester to take the classes you need that the advisors forgot to tell you about. Related - always look for a degree requirements sheet on your college’s website - THAT is the class guide you will use, an advisor is just to make sure you are Reading that sheet correctly and know Which semester to take which class.

It’s okay to not go to college. 2/3 of americans do not ever get a bachelors degree. There Are jobs you can survive on that only require a high school diploma, that will pay $12-22 an hour. If college is not for you, there are ways to take care of yourself and do okay. Look for state jobs, secretary jobs, factory jobs, etc, and remember statistically most guys apply for jobs they’re only 80% qualified for, so you can too. The financial supervisor for Google Michigan only has an associates in accounting. There is a douche in the white house with only an associates in literally Golf Club Management. You can do whatever you want in this life babe, because you can already do those high up fuckin jobs as well or better then they can, right now.

It’s okay to stop at an associates. A great number of jobs only require an associates degree or training. Mainly just figure out the job or jobs you want in the future, and see what is Absolutely Necessary to be employable in those fields. If you want to be a doctor, you need that degree - but if you just like helping people there are many jobs requiring no bachelors, or just training, or just an associates, or a bachelors in literally any major. That applies to every field. You are going to college either because you want a certain job someday (that you are not qualified for now), or because you want to learn something specific for your own desires. Let those goals motivate your choices. You don’t have to do anything that departs from those goals, not for anyone - not for your parents, not because society expects something. Do only what will get you to where you want to be, to doing what you want. (Even if that is just making more money, or applying for jobs more competitively).

It’s okay to switch your major if you hate it. (It’s also okay to not know what to major in! In fact, if you cover your pre-requisites during your associates, for the most part you don’t even need to chose until the end of sophmore year! I got an associates in mathematics and could have picked any major for junior/senior year cause i hit so many pre-requisites). In fact, most people change their major. It’s not a waste of time or money. If you are unhappy, if you are hurting, you should not spend more money and effort towards this thing you hate. If you are hurting too much to figure out what you’d like to do better - TAKE A SEMESTER OFF. Most scholarships will let you keep them if you only take off a semester - cite health reasons (cause you’re probably depressed/anxious/suicidal at this point), and you won’t be wasting money/time/effort while you take the semester off to heal your health and figure out what you’d like to do instead. YOUR HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN SCHOOL. YOUR HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THEN ANY DEGREE. When I started college, no one informed me how high the suicide rate is. But it is horrifying. So many people get lost. And even if you think, maybe for yourself, that you can handle the stress, the problem is once you get so stressed out your brain is too warped to realize school is less important then your life anymore. Prioritize your life. You can survive without a bachelors, without an associates (see 2/3 of americans with no bachelors, lots of jobs where u make a living wage with no degree). You can not survive if you are destroyed by your own stress.

Jobs at colleges/universities sometimes pay part of your tuition. Usually jobs labelled “staff” give more tuition benefits and pay higher wages, and jobs labelled “students” tend to pay minimum wage and offer less or no benefits - though this is not always the case. You CAN apply for “staff” jobs even if you are a student, and you can apply for them at schools you do not attend (though you may start attending them for that nice tuition benefit). Most colleges/universities will have some document on their site describing job types and what benefits each type gets. If, somehow, you score BIG, and you or a family member gets like a middle class wage from a college/university (like a 40-50,000 a year job) then usually the school offers half off tuition. Which could save you incredible amounts of money. But, those are the hardest jobs to get. (however, some of those jobs you CAN acquire without a bachelors degree.)

Remember this is your life. Yours. Not anyone elses. In the end, you are the one that has to live with your choices - and the goal IS to live. If you have to quit, or change your mind, your parents will not hate you (or disown you), and if they will truly care so much that they disown you, remember you are the one that has to live with what you do. So if you’d rather talk to them, because they’d truly disown you if you changed your mind, that’s your perogative. also remember, likely at least part of what’s paying for college is YOUR money or YOUR debt. So even if your parents feel hurt/betrayed by them losing some money to your schooling, remember you are also losing your OWN money by studying something you hate/will never use/that makes you suicidal. So consider if it’s worth YOUR money. Your parents, likely, would rather cut their losses, then help pay for 5 years of school, that you will ALSO be in debt for, just to find out now you are both saddled with payments that were for nothing. So if you want to change your mind, in the long run it’s easier to do it as soon as you want to, instead of ‘after you’re done’ (this does depend on what your goals are though - sometimes pushing through is better for your goals regardless?). And if your family is like mine, and can not/does not help you financially at all, again remember this is YOUR money/debt. Not only should you prioritize your health, and quit anything you hate and work toward goals you actually Want, but uh you are under NO obligation to spend money/create debt for anything you don’t strongly desire. No one who matters is going to hate you for making your own choices regarding your own finances. You are not going to school for other people, you’re going for yourself and your own goals. And if you are unsure, or stressed, again see the point about Taking Time Off to lower stress enough to brainstorm some solutions you might like better.

Job advice: Cover letters are just letters where you say the skills you have that are relevant to the job, and why you want the job, and what you like about the job/place. If a place requires or even allows a cover letter, do it. Jobs that require cover letters sometimes pay more (not always). Sometimes they give you a chance to get a higher paying job because you can explain that you don’t have a technical requirement (degree) but you do have experience/a capacity to learn. Some digital job boards WILL automatically throw out resumes without certain keywords, make sure if it’s that kind of job board you list programs or trainings or degrees by commonly used names. Indeed.com is a good quick place to mass-find-and-apply for jobs. Showing up in person to places and simply asking if they’re hiring/saying you love the place is a good way to find jobs. If you REALLY wanna work in a certain place, or Really need a job, sometimes just eagerly emailing companies/businesses and asking if you can apply because you have x skills and love the place for x reason is good enough to get an interview. If you need money stat, literally apply for any and everything you can possibly do. If you get a shitty job, you can keep waiting on all the other job apps you put out, go to other interviews, and quickly get a better one, and a better one etc, until you’re in a place you can tolerate/like. If you want to get pickier with where you apply once you have a job to pay the bills, that’s fine too, the sky’s the limit. Keep reaching as high as you can get, as far as you can go until you hit a roadblock, or until you’re truly content/happy.

If you’re in a bad situation, you are always allowed to leave. Whether its awful family - get away, so you can breathe and think about what you want outside of danger. School - stop, figure out what you actually want, need. Relationship - cut them out, find support, do what you can to keep them away. career - keep applying for other jobs, only stay literally until you can get any paycheck somewhere else (ideally somewhere better, but if it’s a matter of conditions/coworkers any equal stats place will do just so you’re treated more neutrally for a while so you can recover, gain strength, and then find a good place). There is some friend that would tolerate you crashing on their couch, or some sister or cousin or aunt or grandparent or parent. If you need to talk to someone and you can’t, helplines are good kind places to call and people use them. If a counselor/therapist/psychologist ever tells you “you don’t deserve help unless you want to get better” fuck them and live out of spite and find a NEW person to help you because that’s abuse right there. If you can’t escape something, try to minimize it, and find a safe place to vent - hopefully to a kind person, or a helpline or counselor, or all of the above, but at least to a journal - just make sure it’s getting out. If you need help, you deserve it, regardless of how worthless you feel. You deserve it. Everyone deserves it. You are not worthless if you can’t accomplish something. You are not worthless if you can’t fix something yourself. Just because you exist, you deserve to keep existing. That is that.

#rant #college #university #career #i know im just uh... long winded #but i talked to my niece yesterday about all this....#no one prepares you for how high the suicide rate is in college

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destieltropecollection · 4 years ago

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Destiel Trope Collection 2021 | Day 10: OMG They Were Roommates!

Showing Affection | @destielshipper4cas

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 1,760 Main Tags/Warnings: Friends to Lovers, Fluff, Cuddling & Snuggling, Pining, Omega Cas, Alpha Dean Summary: When Dean’s girlfriend breaks up with him because he ‘isn’t capable of showing affection,’ he is hell-bent on proving her wrong. His best friend and roommate Cas seems like the best test subject to do so. After all, showing affection comes easy to him when Cas is concerned.

Hot Mess | @vampamber

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 3,069 Main Tags/Warnings: pwp, recreational drug use, Cas acts like endverse Cas, voyeurism, mutual masturbation Summary: When he’d placed the ad for a roommate, Dean hadn't exactly got what he expected. The first guy to answer had been exactly what he expected, sure. Gordon seemed perfectly acceptable on paper, but something about him creeped Dean out. He did a quick background search on the guy after he said he'd think about it, and was glad he did. Two different assault charges, even though they were almost a decade ago, still made Dean decide to never call the guy, no matter how desperate he got. The second guy that showed, though? Dean had no idea what he’d been thinking, even letting him through the door. He reeked of pot, and looked like he might've been at least a little high during the interview. But he had great references from all his former roommates, and nothing came up on the background check Dean did after he left (not even a possession charge, like Dean had expected), and since New York was such a damn expensive place to live, he called him up and said the room was his.

My Love is Carried to You By My Feet | @one-more-offbeat-anthem

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 3,337 Main Tags/Warnings: snowed in, friends to lovers, roommates, sickfic, writer!Castiel, nursing student Dean Summary: Dean and his roommate and best friend, Cas, are snowed in together for the time being, which wouldn't be so bad if Dean hadn't been hopelessly in love with Cas for years. And then Dean gets a cold.

Pizza Man | @imbiowaresbitch

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 3,406 Main Tags/Warnings: The Pizza Man (Supernatural), Explicit Sexual Content, Anal Sex, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, POV Alternating, Love Confessions Summary: Dean and Castiel are roommates in their third year of college. Cas frantically shows his best friend a horrible typo on the latest ad for the pizza place where he works, just knowing it's going to ruin his night.

You're My Home | @maleyah-givemetomorrow

Rating: Mature Word Count: 3,724 Main Tags/Warnings: Genderfluid Cas, bisexual Dean, protective Dean, hurt/comfort, Soft boys, getting together, friends to lovers, coming out, first kiss, cuddles, fluff Summary: His tongue is glued to the roof of his mouth, when he tries to speak, so the one word sounds like a whole effort, slurred and gruff. “Cas?” There’s a sharp intake of breath and then the hesitant clicking of heels on the floor. “Dean…? You’re awake?” “Mmyeah,” he groans. He wants to move, but he fell asleep in the worst position and he’s stuck in the sheets, his legs tingling violently. “You alright?”

Infamous | @verobatto

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 3,815 Main Tags/Warnings: Pornstar!Dean, roommates, smut, top!Dean, bottom!Castiel, friends to lovers Summary: Dean is secretly in love with his best friend and roomate Castiel. But it's not the only secret he keeps. Dean is one of the most hot bisexual Pornstars in the industry. Dean knows Castiel never would find out his secret because the guy is the most puritan socially awkward man in the world, and he would never watch a porn movie. But Hannah, Castiel's girlfriend, decides to play him a joke and one night he surprises her boyfriend with a gay porn movie called 'Infamous'. Imagine Castiel's face when he sees Dean, the friend he knows for years, playing the main role with a magnificent performance.

Revelations | @shealynn88

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 6,727 Main Tags/Warnings: Concern that someone is suicidal (they aren’t) Summary: Dean is a mechanic in Sioux Falls. Castiel is the new gas station attendant. Dean needs a roommate, Cas needs a place to live. And thus, they were roommates!

Yes Homo | @celipuff

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 10,012 Main Tags/Warnings: Roommates, Top!Cas/Bottom!Dean, Top!Dean/Bottom!Cas, Switching, Bisexual Dean, Gay Castiel, Dean’s First Time With A Man, Mutual Masturbation Summary: Dean tells himself that jacking off next to his best friend isn’t homo if they don’t touch. The problem is... once he sees it? He absolutely wants to touch.

Molly Ringwald is Still a Bitch | @kingdumbass

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 13,871 Main Tags/Warnings: College AU, Roommate AU, Mutual Pining, Top!Dean/Bottom!Cas Summary: Castiel has got it bad for his college roommate Dean, but Dean would never fall for a guy like Castiel... Would he?

Grow For Me | @imbiowaresbitch

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 20,082 Main Tags/Warnings: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, top Alpha Castiel/bottom Omega Dean Winchester, Explicit Sexual Content, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Biting, Claiming Bites, Mpreg, Misunderstandings, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Mutual Pining, Sexual Tension, Sexual dialogue, Happy Ending Summary: Dean is desperate for a housemate after Charlie moves out. After interviewing several potential tenants with near disastrous results, he meets Cas. Can the lawyer with the strange habit of talking to plants fit into Dean's life?

The Winchester Breakfast Special | @thefandomsinhalor

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 33,602 Main Tags/Warnings: Modern Setting AU, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean, Castiel Has a Crush on Dean, Hurt Dean Winchester, Pining, Miscommunications Summary: Watching Dean cook breakfast after a long night of steamy passion is something Castiel gets to witness on nearly every Sunday morning. The only problem is that the meal in question is never cooked for him: He’s just the roommate.

alone together | @dothwrites

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 74,239 Main Tags/Warnings: Quarantine Fic, Roommates, Mutual Pining, Idiots in Love, minor angst, Domestic Fluff Summary: Like the rest of the world, Dean Winchester’s job sent him home with the supplies necessary to work from home and a vague farewell of “We’ll see you when this all blows over”. Unlike the rest of the world, Dean Winchester is entering into a quarantine with Castiel Novak, his incredibly hot and incredibly uninterested roommate. How is Dean supposed to concentrate on his job while Cas is just a few feet away, being...well, Cas? Castiel Novak was already working from home, so the news of social distancing doesn’t affect him that much. What does send him into a panic is the knowledge that Dean Winchester, his stunning and straight roommate, will also be working from home for the foreseeable future. After spending so long trying to distance himself from Dean, Castiel now has to face a future where Dean is present. All. The. Time. They’ve got food, Internet, and all the toilet paper they need, but neither one of them is prepared for quarantine.

#destiel trope collection 2021 #day 10 #roommate au #destiel #supernatural #fanfic

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caffeinated-cryptid · 4 years ago

Text

ashes, ashes.

10.8k | AO3 link | tags/tws: intrulogical, serial killer/deity of death au, lots of death (murder, mentions of a previous suicide attempt, and brief descriptions of animal death), injury, violence, swearing, morally grey characters, crime.

““You’re not supposed to be able to see me.” Logan blurted out with a start, eyes wide and looking at Remus like he had just killed a guy in front of him. Oh wait-

“Mamma always told me I was special.” Remus replied with a woozy grin, leaving back against the cool bricks of the alleyway. Seeing things that weren’t there was a new level of fucked-up for his brain, but hopefully that was just a side effect of hitting his head and not something he’d have to take pills for later. Either way, at least this spectre was pretty to look at. Trauma had its benefits.

“You think a deity of death is pretty?” Logan asked wryly, cutting through the stream of subconscious babble he’d accidentally spilled into the frigid night air. “I’d be flattered, if that didn’t sound like such a red flag.””

(aka: remus chases death like it's his favourite pastime, since it means he gets to see logan again. understandably, logan has some objections to this.)

--------------

Case 1: the man in the alley.

The first time Remus and Logan met, it was more or less a complete accident.

As a part-time warehouse operative slash freelance artist, Remus had a lot of free time between jobs, and one of the things he enjoyed doing most while waiting for his next gig to come around was spray-painting obscene images into the side of alleys.

His latest project was a 7-foot tall purple unicorn with generous proportions. Pretty tasteful by his standards, all things considered.

If nothing else, the piece of work would give passers-by a topic of conversation, and that was always something Remus aimed to inspire with his art. These topics, however, often happened to be the ‘why’ variety. Most commonly, the old classic (and his personal favourite): ‘why are you like this?’.

Regrettably, the evening passed pretty quickly with no curious pedestrians passing by his alley and starting up such a conversation. By the time Remus finished, it was past midnight and by now the only people around were the regular nightlife-- primarily the local college kids who had recently come home and were enjoying their break from classes, and adults like himself who were trying to chase away their loneliness with some other kind of high.

...Woo, and that’s enough depressing thoughts for tonight. Remus declared to himself. After all, he had a new piece to admire! Stepping back, he spent a moment taking in the completed artwork by the light of his phone’s torch before deciding it was as perfect as it could get. He’d come back later and get a picture during the daytime to show off to his friends, so for now he begun preparing to leave by packing his paint cans into his backpack.

It was when he had collected the last can of magenta from the ground that he felt something grab the back of his coat hood. Remus had no time to process the fact that someone had snuck into the alleyway before he was shoved against the same wall he'd painted his mural on, coming face-to-face with a hooded man waving a rather pathetic-looking pocket knife at him.

“Give me your money. Now.” The man demanded.

Remus blinked in delayed surprise. Usually he was the one being the creep in the alleyway. He had never expected to come across an actual creep. Heck, this situation felt like it was pulled straight out of an old PSA with how stereotypical it was.

“What?” He blurted out unthinkingly, because of that exact train of thought.

“You heard me! I want you to get your wallet and hand over everything you’ve got.”

What an unfortunate victim this man has chosen.

“You think I have any money to my name? I’m practically the starving artist every parent warns their kid about becoming.” Remus said with a huff of amusement.

“Don’t try to bullshit me!” The hand clutching the front of his coat tugged him forward before violently slamming him back against the bricks. The back of Remus’ head ricochetted off them roughly with the sudden movement, and the small grin he had been wearing quickly faded with flash of pain and the realization he may actually be in trouble.

“I saw the paint you’ve got in your bag,” The man continued over his dawning concern. “Somebody who’s broke wouldn’t have all that.”

Remus’ thoughts halted for a second. His bag…! He knew the paint can he was holding onto for dear life wouldn’t do much in the way of self-defense given that it was practically empty, but a whole bag of them? Hitting this guy with that much weight would make him think twice about trying to stab him, at least.

“Okay, okay. You got me, I’m rich as hell. Just let me get it, alright? My wallet's in there.”

The man gave him a skeptical look, but stepped back slightly, continuing to hold the weapon in his direction. “I know how to throw knives. Try to run and you’ll have a hole in your back quicker than an onset stroke.”

Yikes, and Remus thought he was bad at metaphors. He didn’t even need Virgil here to tell him that that made no sense. Still, he grinned placatingly. “Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye: I won’t run.”

Finally, bad-metaphor guy let down his guard and allowed Remus to side-step around him. He walked a few paces towards where he dropped his backpack in his initial shock, putting the magenta spray in before he picked it up by the straps. True to his word, he didn't run; instead he swung around on his heel, slamming the full force of his hardback sketchbooks and cans of spray paint into the face of the hooded man.

He instantly dropped his knife, falling backwards and clutching his nose as blood erupted from it. Under the low-lighting of the street lamp, Remus was transfixed for a second, feeling like he was in one of those gritty r-rated movies he watched with his babysitter as a kid. The moment was ruined when he realized that 1) the man was approaching again very quickly, and 2) he couldn’t get the momentum quick enough to swing his bag around and hit him a second time.

Before he knew it, Remus had accidentally let go of the makeshift weapon when he was tackled to the ground, wind completely knocked out of him as the two of them collided against cobblestone moistened with rain.

“You fucking bastard.” The guy hissed furiously. His voice was nasally now that his nose was crooked and broken-looking, and Remus almost wanted to poke fun of him for it until he felt two hands wrap around his throat and start to choke him. “‘Could’ve just made things easy, but now you’re gonna die with all the other trash.”

Why? Remus wanted to ask. Over the 7 dollars and 15 cents he had?

But as he tried to tear away the vice grip on his neck, he couldn’t find the voice to talk back, even though the seriousness of the situation was hitting him like a freight train. Maybe it was his own fault for escalating things instead of playing along. Go figure, he had overestimated his own abilities after years being the off-putting one; the person others thought they had to watch over their shoulder for. Either that, or maybe it was the fact that his wallet carried more sentimental value with it than monetary. It was small and made of orange ducktape, but it carried so many things that Remus wanted to protect; a photo of his family, one of Virgil's guitar picks, the ticket to the last Tenacious D he went to, and of course, the receipt for his first condom purchase.

His mind flashed to his friends and family, and he wondered how they’d feel about this; him dying because of some dumb robber in a dumb alleyway because he was painting his dumb artwork. That was hardly the kind of death one could look back on and regard with pride (Hell if it wasn't funny to imagine how everyone will react to the news, though). But as he focused on the face above him, he realized with some panic that the grip wasn’t loosening, even as he could feel his lungs burn and a near-soothing feeling telling him to just let go.

As a final act of desperation to save himself from becoming a wholly embarrassing funeral eulogy instead of having a rockstar’s death in his 40s like he always imagined for himself, he patted the ground frantically, looking for a loose rock or something to stop this with. That’s when he felt it; the slightly warm plastic handle of the knife the guy had been holding. Remus’ heart pounded as he realized what he needed to do, and he barely even considered the repercussions of the action before he was plunging the knife into the side of the guy’s neck.

Finally, the grip around his throat loosened as the guy gasped, his expression flickering back and forth between anger and shock. Remus ripped the knife away, inhaling air greedily when the sudden action caused the man to loosen his grip and move off of him, trying to cover the stab wound with his hands and failing.

Remus quickly scrambled back and pulled himself up the wall, watching and waiting for the guy to fall still. He did, after what felt like a few minutes, and Remus didn’t know whether to cry or laugh. He’d just killed a man. It was self-defence, but still… even the morbid thoughts he had over the years couldn't have prepared him for what it would have actually felt like to go through with any of it.

In that moment of pause, his injuries caught up with him as both his head and neck begun to ache. He was so disoriented that he barely even noticed the third person standing in the alley until they spoke up.

“Well. I didn’t see that coming.”

Remus snapped his head towards the source of the voice, and immediately regretted it when the hasty motion made him dizzy. The only reason he didn’t immediately jump into fight mode was because of the unusually casual way the voice had spoken. Beyond that, the figure he saw standing a short distance away didn’t really… look like a regular person. Beyond the odd formal clothing that had no discernable modern style to it and the shock of white hair that could only be achieved with hella bleach, his skin was a cool grey like a cadaver and he had a ghostly appearance to him; transparent and misty around the edges.

Definitely not the sort of thing Remus expected to see, but he was always one to accommodate the unexpected.

“...You and me both. My only goal for today was to draw unicorn porn.” Remus replied lightly, once he decided it wouldn't hurt to entertain whatever was currently happening.

The figure turned, startling at the sight of Remus staring directly at him.

“You’re not supposed to be able to see me.” He blurted out with wide eyes, looking at Remus like he had just killed a guy in front of him. Oh wait-

“You think a deity of death is pretty?” The man (deity???) asked wryly, cutting through the stream of subconscious babble he’d accidentally spilled into the frigid night air. “I’d be flattered, if that didn’t sound like such a red flag.”

"I can't believe my own brain is kinkshaming me." Remus whined, slipping down slightly as the worn-down soles of his boots lost their grip on the concrete for a second.

Death frowned, until a metaphorical lightbulb lit over his head. "Ah- you think you're hallucinating. Well, that's not an unfair assumption. Keep believing it, by all means."

"That doesn't sound like something a hallucination would say." Remus pointed out.

"Well then, I'll gladly prove my non-existence by disappearing." Death said as he took a step towards the body.

"Wait!" Remus called before he could figure out why. The ghostly figure stopped, looking at him with a raised eyebrow. Remus’ composure slipped as his eyes darted between the body and Death. "I...I need to know that this is real. That I'm not making this up. This feels like something I'd dream, but…"

His hand clenched around the knife, feeling the squelch of blood and the tremor of his hand. Despite the mixed signals he was currently getting on the state of his sanity, it felt solid and real, and Remus wasn’t sure what to make of that.

"Fuck. Please tell me! Am I being as messed up as usual or did I really just kill someone?"

Death’s eyes softened. "You did. This is real."

"Well shit. Okay…" Remus looked back at the body with a deep resignation. He wondered if he should do something about that. Probably not; that would look even more incriminating.

"...If it makes you feel better, he has hurt people in situations like this before, and completely unnecessarily; his only motive was to achieve a rush.”

That did make Remus feel better, actually.

"Good. I’m glad I killed a piece of shit and not someone down on their luck." Remus sighed, eyeing the spectral figure. "Speaking of, if this is real, then I guess that means you are too right?"

Any sympathy on Death's place quickly faded as he was caught out. "Erm-"

"It's cool." Remus leaned his head back again. "Talking to a cute ghost man? Sounds like a typical Thursday night for me."

Actually, this was the furthest thing from a typical Thursday night for Remus, but he didn’t want to admit that to the cute ghost man and risk looking uncool.

"You shouldn't get acquainted with it. Seeing me is hardly a good thing." Death replied, though his cheeks were distinctly a darker grey.

"Aww- don't sell yourself short. I love your work!" Remus waved away vaguely. He always had a strange relationship with death in a way that others didn’t; always the first to laugh at a funeral or smile instead of grieve. That was probably why he felt so comfortable right now. “Besides, we’ll all be food for the dirt and worms eventually, anyway. Why get uncomfortable with it?"

Death met his eyes again, seeming slightly more firm. “Perish those thoughts, it's hardly your time yet."

Remus pouted. "It's still inevitable, though. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy I didn’t die today and got to meet you instead, but what’s so bad about something that’s going to happen either way?”

“I’m starting to think I was right by judging your attitude as a red flag.” Death muttered.

“But I'm right aren't I?” Remus prodded.

“Indeed.” Death begrudgingly conceded. “And do you know just how inevitable it is? Approximately 2 people die per second; 106 per minute. There have been 6435 events of armed conflict in the past year alone, and over 690 million people who are undernourished as we speak. Beyond that, there are even more people losing their lives to case-by-case natural events and incidents. So if you’d be so kind, do not be so eager to create more work for me.”

Remus absorbed that information, tilting his head. “Despite all that, you’re still here?”

“...I am.” Death agreed after a heavy pause, in the same manner most would admit their own defeat. “I’ll admit, I’m not used to… talking so much. It’s an unusual feeling, but it’s been pleasant, I suppose.”

“Death likes my company.” Remus laughed. “That’s gotta be saying something.”

Death rolled his eyes. “My name is Logan, not Death.”

“Huh. I’m Remus.” Remus replied, a little baffled. He didn’t expect a deity to have such a normal name.

“Remus ‘Tsukio’ Kaneshiro, I already know of you. We’ve met before.”

Remus’ bafflement only grew. “We have? I think I’d remember meeting someone like you.”

“You wouldn't; you were unconscious. It was after you overdosed on cold medicine. Thankfully your parents got you to the hospital on time before I could do my job, but I remember it being a close call.” Logan looked at him knowingly.

“...Oh.” Remus laughed nervously. He definitely remembered that. Finding out you could overdose on a lot of common household items was pretty dangerous for him to learn as a teenager, and he’d never forget how furious his entire family was with him for being so reckless. He never knew how to tell them that it wasn’t quite the accident they assumed it to be (needless to say, his adolescent years were pretty shitty to him, being the outsider in this town in more ways than one). Thankfully, the taste of cold medicine had become too repulsive for him to try anything like that again.

“...I am glad you’re alright. It’s always unfortunate when a life ends too soon.”

“Well…thanks. This has been pretty trippy, so I’m glad I met you too, Logan.”

Logan hummed and looked towards the end on the alleyway. “By the way, you should think about leaving soon. There’s a group of people approaching us.”

Shit, Remus had almost forgotten that he had just committed a crime. Given how awful this scene looked, there was a big chance he’d get thrown into jail for this if he got caught. But at the same time, he was almost hesitant to leave behind the spectre that had enchanted his heart within a few minutes, even if his mind was still trying to catch up with the overload of information.

“Why would you help me?” He asked quickly and somewhat suspiciously.

Just as Logan finished his business with the body, he looked at him over his shoulder with an almost sly expression. “You seem interesting, Remus. I’d hate for you to lose your life over someone so unworthy of one.”

And with that, Logan disappeared like a cloud of fog. Remus stood there transfixed, until he remembered Logan’s warnings and snatched up his bag, shoving the knife into his pocket and dashing into the night.

--------------

Case 2: the man who couldn't leave well enough alone.

The next time Remus and Logan met, it was slightly less of an accident, but fuck if the guy didn’t deserve it.

When Remus got home after the night he first saw Logan, he was more grateful than ever that he lived in such a run-down part of town. There were barely any security cameras to look out for, let alone people who were willing to be out during the early hours of the morning.

He was able to slip into his apartment complex unseen, avoiding his early-bird roommate long enough to wash away his crimes in the shower.

After that, he fell into his bed, completely unable to process everything that had just happened. So instead he fell asleep and left the deep thinking to his future self.

As expected, he needed plenty of time to collect his thoughts. First of all, he knew he hadn’t hallucinated the whole thing because after weeks and months of taking it as easy as possible, he hadn’t seen anything else as strange as a personification of death named Logan. Logan...what kind of name even was that? It felt like the name of a teacher, not something that should be as grim and macabre as Remus himself.

But that was the other thing; Remus couldn’t get the thought of Logan out of his head. He was like the angel who had come down to bless him in a moment of weakness, saving him from further misfortune. He knew he had little to no chance of seeing their deity again, but that didn’t stop him from plaguing his mind constantly.

Remus figured the best chance he’d probably get at seeing Logan again was to become involved with death once more. His mind immediately jumped to animals, the easiest targets; he pictured slipping into a farm late at night and slitting the throat of one of the sheep, going to a pet store and buying a hamster for the night before ‘accidentally’ leaving it in a box to suffocate, picking up a stray from the street and snapping its neck quickly. But just as soon as those thoughts came to him, he waved them away with a grimace. He wouldn’t be able to go through with any of that, even for Logan.

People had always talked about him like he was a serial killer in training. They would keep a wary eye when he picked up sharp objects and ask his brother if Remus had ever hurt one of their pets as kids, as if because he had unconventional ideas, he was a complete sadist towards the innocent. (And yes, perhaps he did have thoughts of that nature too, but they’d always fill him with sickness because he fucking loved the pet dogs they had as kids, damn it). In any case, he knew that going through with those ideas would only be proving those people right, that he was a dangerous individual who’d murder an innocent creature just for someone his brain maybe made up.

...Perhaps he was losing his mind after all. What was he doing, plotting out the best way to see Death? If anyone else could hear his thoughts, they’d think him half-mad or suicidal. It seemed like the best thing so do was to try to push this out of his mind, so eventually, that's what he did. He wasn’t so good at that usually; his mouth ran a mile a minute and the people who knew him would often say that his brain-mouth filter was non-existent. But this felt like something he’d like to keep for himself, especially when news of the murder made it onto the local news, presumed to be the outcome of ‘gang activity’ simply because the victim was successful and had a loving family and what else could explain this?

He decided to not think about making plans anymore, and he only thought about Logan when his mind was otherwise unoccupied. It stayed that way until the very next week when he found out about the situation with his roommate’s ex.

Remus didn’t have many people in the world who were willing to put up with him, but the one’s that did, he cherished dearly. So when Nadia, the woman he’d describe as belonging among the Valkyries (if only she could get past her deal of not wanting to hurt a fly), came to him looking uncharacteristically shaken and upset, Remus felt something in him snap.

She told Remus about how her ex-boyfriend was following her to her workplace and making threats on her life. He’d even begun showing up outside their apartment late at night in an attempt at intimidation, and that detail alone pissed him off considering he’d been too in his head to even notice.

“All because I decided I deserved better.” Nadia told him tearily. She was so strong usually, both physically and emotionally, so seeing her so close to crying felt like a punch to the gut. “I just want for him to be gone… But James would probably kill me before I could even file a restraining order.”

“What if he was gone?” Remus blurted out. “Hypothetically.”

Nadia blinked at him, wiping a stray tear. “Honestly? I think the world would be a better place. But that’s never going to happen.”

Remus nodded. “Right. Of course. Do you still have his number, by any chance?”

Remus’ plan was simple: Nadia would call her ex and ask him to come over to ‘reconcile’, and when he did, Remus would confront him. Scare him enough to stay away for good. He was pretty great at being intimidating when he wanted to that the both of them assumed it would work out.

Well, James came as planned. Their apartment complex had one massive security flaw in that anyone could get in without keys or permission, so the only clue Remus got that James was coming was the sound of footsteps bouncing off the walls of the stairwell. Remus stood upright and waited, until he saw the top of James’ head slowly ascending up the stairs, pausing on the second-top step.

“You’ve got to be shitting me.” James scoffed disbelievingly as Remus moved in front of him. “Did Nadia seriously send out the guard dog? What? Suddenly too afraid to talk for herself?”

Remus considered barking at him in response, but considering how James was way above the common creep in terms of persistence, he crossed his arms instead and glared steadily.

“Hell yeah she did. You should know why, given how much of a low-life asshole you’ve been acting all week. When are you going to give up the big guy act, huh? Curley called and he wants his complex back.”

James, in all of his 5-foot-no-thoughts glory, only squinted as the insult went over his head.

“...I knew I never fuckin’ liked you. Don’t get involved in our relationship, you little freak.” James tried to pass him, and Remus quickly blocked him, taking out the knife he’d stolen months ago.

“Take another step and this is going in your goddamn eye.” Remus raised his voice, confident that most of their neighbours were already out at work. “You’re not going near Nadia ever again, do you hear me?”

“Or what?! What’ll you do, Kaneshiro? Stab me? Put the toothpick away and step aside, for god’s sake. This is embarrassing, even for you.”

The two of them stood in a standstill, staring each other down as the echo from James’ exclamation faded out.

“...Fine.” Remus said finally. He slipped the knife back into his pocket, and James smirked smugly until Remus grabbed the front of his shirt instead. “It’ll be more fun to do this, anyway.”

With that he shoved James backwards, who quickly lost his footing and fell down the long and narrow flight of stairs. He tumbled for few moments, hitting each step, until he landed on the ground floor with a distant thump.

Remus stared after him, preparing for James to get up and start making a scene like he always did when he didn’t get his way. He didn’t.

Frowning, Remus descended the stairs, and as he drew closer to the slumped-over body, he noticed the puddle of blood around James’ head and the odd way he’d landed.

“Damn.” Remus commented under his breath. “Nadia’s going to kill me.”

He heard a sigh somewhere ahead of him, and fearing someone had walked in on his compromising position, Remus quickly glanced up, excuse at the ready.

“It was an accident-!” He exclaimed, before he realized it was Logan standing there, looking between James and Remus with a pinched expression.

“I know you pushed him, Remus. That’s not exactly what the law would define as an ‘accident’.”

For a second, Remus was starstruck (and opting to ignore the consequences of his actions). “You remember me.”

“Of course I do. I didn’t expect to see you again so soon, though.”

That almost sounded like an accusation, so Remus held his hands up defensively. “Hey, in my defence he was just asking to die. The dude's a dick!”

Logan sighed. “Regardless, you shouldn't go around killing people. Sooner or later you’ll get caught.”

“Well, I’m 1 for 1 so far! But if you’d rather me not get in trouble… Have any tips on how to cover this?” Remus joked, winking.

Logan frowned at him before he truly considered it, looking around at the scene thoughtfully. “...Double check to make sure you left no evidence. Move quickly, before anybody stumbles across the scene. And if you have time, plant something which will make this look more like an accident-- for instance, a spill on the stairs.”

Remus’ eyes widened. “I wasn’t expecting actual tips. Holy shit- okay.”

He went over to check the body, feeling his cheeks heat up. He absolutely should not be getting flustered over advice on how to cover up a murder, yet here he was.

“I feel like you shouldn’t be encouraging this.” Remus said jokingly as he smoothed out the creases on the front of James’ shirt. “Didn’t you say something about having more work to do? Who knows, you might be giving me a new hobby.”

Remus laughed. Logan didn’t. When he glanced up, the deity was frowning.

“Perhaps not. Forget what I said; I shouldn’t be interfering in matters like this. I shouldn’t even be appearing to you now.”

“Woah, woah, woah. What’s the matter? I thought you liked talking.” Remus hastily stood upright, furrowing his eyebrows.

“I- regardless of my personal feelings, I have a job to do. I can’t allow myself to become so partial over one human.” Logan replied, rubbing at the crease between his eyebrows.

“Why? What’s the worst that could happen?!” Remus argued.

“You could cheat death, for starters.”

“You already know how I feel about that.” Remus whined. “I’ll off myself when the time comes, if it’ll make you feel better.”

“Don’t-” Logan exclaimed, before he reigned himself back in. “Just. No. You’re supposed to go naturally. Neither you or I should interfere with that.”

Remus frowned. He wasn’t so sure he liked the thought of such a boring death. If anything, he wanted to go out in a blaze of glory. Otherwise, he’d be just another body no one would remember-- like loverboy over there.

“That means no more meetings like this.” Logan continued on.

“But what if I want to see you again?” Remus muttered. He looked across the room to Logan and found him wearing a similar downtrodden expression, until it grew serious.

“You’ll just have to deal with that, because we were never supposed to meet in the first place. I have a duty to fulfil and you have a life to live. Our paths are as parallel as can be.”

“This is bullshit, Logan.” Remus said, but he didn’t argue any further. Not when Logan walked around him to complete his business. Not when he prepared to leave, either.

“Don’t do this again.” Logan said finally, giving him a stern glare. “I mean it.”

--------------

Case 3: the woman in the streets.

The next time Remus and Logan met, Logan was starting to think Remus was making a habit of this after all.

In Remus’ defence, he totally wasn’t.

Logan’s parting words just wouldn’t leave his head. It was even worse than last time; the knowledge that he could kill anyone and get to see Logan again plagued him, and he found himself pulling away from his family and friends after the questioning from the police was over and done with.

They were all worried for him, but especially Nadia who knew exactly what he did and assumed it was because of the guilt that he was becoming uncharacteristically withdrawn. Although she was shocked at how things had escalated, she tried to apologize multiple times for letting Remus confront James, which he would always blow off. It wasn’t killing James that had gotten to him, not at all; in fact he was glad that prick was out of their hair. Rather, he grappled with the idea of never seeing Logan again, one of the few people who truly saw the worst sides of him and accepted them nonetheless.

He didn’t deal with it well.

The night of their next meeting, Remus was out drinking alone. It wasn’t something he was proud of, but he didn’t want to justify why he wanted to get absolutely wasted to his friends, so being sad and lonely for one night it was.

He had stumbled out of the bar late at night, beginning his unsteady trek home since he had accidentally spent too much money and couldn’t afford an uber to drive him back. Stepping onto the street a couple blocks from his apartment, everything was quiet until the person ahead of him crossed the road, just as a car sped around the corner and knocked them over with an awful crunch.

Remus stood in shock. He looked after the swerving car to get the licence plate, but it was already too late and they had hit the gas upon noticing him. Swearing, he stumbled over to the person left in the road.

“Shit- Are you alright? Of course not, you need an ambulance.” He was struggling to unlock his phone when he noticed how still the person-- a frail old woman-- was. It didn’t even look like she was taking breaths, though it was hard to tell through his swimming vision and the thick coat she was wearing.

With unsteady fingers, Remus pressed against the pulsepoint on her neck, and felt the moment her heartbeat stopped.

“Oh…”

And then he turned on his heel and threw up.

Death wasn’t supposed to bother him like this. He had always been proud of his ability to frighten others with his dismissive attitude towards life’s eventualities. But this was different. He had just watched the murder of a complete stranger right before his eyes, and there wasn't even anything he could do. What the fuck?

He didn’t even feel better when the person he’d been longing to see all night appeared right in front of him, arms crossed and ready to give a lecture.

“Again, Remus?! What did I tell you?! No more murder!” Logan threw his hands up at the sight of Remus next to the body, that was until he noticed the cause of death and Remus’ sickly appearance,

“I-I didn’t do anything this time, I swear. Logan I promised myself I wouldn’t.” He picked himself out of the gutter he had been puking into, trying to look at the deity, just so he could feel some sense of reassurance. “I thought I’d never see you again. ‘Thought I was okay with that, but I’m not. I missed you.”

Logan only stared at Remus when he began crying. He was a sappy emotional drunk when he got through the fun tipsy phase, sue him.

“...I apologize for yelling at you.” Logan said, awkwardly hovering his hand over Remus’ shoulder until it shuddered with a sob and accidentally brushed against him. Remus jolted at the cool touch, as did Logan, who quickly retreated his hand, eyes darting around worriedly.

“‘Always thought you’d be like mist.” Remus slurred, awestruck enough to forget his sadness. He reached forward to prod at Logan, who furrowed his eyebrows thoughtfully.

“I… Yes, that’s definitely strange.” Logan cleared his throat and straightened up. “In any case, you need to get off the street, report this incident, and go home. Being around so much death isn’t good for your mental health.”

“Maybe.” Remus sighed. “I quite like hanging around you, though.”

Logan pinched the bridge of his nose. “You’re drunk. You’re going to feel a lot worse about seeing me in the morning, I promise.”

“I never feel bad about seeing you.” Remus said, picking up his phone from where he’d dropped it. “I only feel bad that it’ll be a long time before I get the chance to see you again.”

“...I don’t get it.” Logan replied softly after a heavy pause. “You shouldn’t want to see me at all. I’m a bad omen. You’d only ever get to meet me in times of tragedy.”

“‘Bad omen’... And I thought Emo was dramatic.” Remus chuckled weakly. “You’re not so bad, Lo. You guide people to the end. You care for them even when you have so many people to watch over. You’re opinionated and you’re easily curious when things don’t go to plan. You don’t mind when I’m weird and you’re fun to talk to. I like you.”

Logan blinked rapidly with surprise, clutching his chest. “I wish we could be having this conversation away from the recently deceased. But... I suppose I feel the same way. I still don’t know how or why you can see me, but our conversations haven’t been unpleasant.”

“Death likes my company.” Remus said, smiling softly to himself. “...You’re right though. I should probably phone this in. I just wish I could remember the licence plate… Something like XQ... ugh.”

“XQR 460.” Logan supplied helpfully.

“That’s it!” Remus cheered, sloppily kissing Logan on the cheek. “Thanks babe!”

Logan floundered for a second as Remus begun calling an ambulance, struggling to regain composure. “I hope we don’t meet like this again soon. Three times over the span of a year is already too much.”

“I don’t know.” Remus looked at Logan slyly. “I’ve always had pretty bad luck.”

--------------

Case 4: the bad doctor.

The next time Remus and Logan meet, it’s completely coincidental and under less stressful circumstances for once.

Well, still stressful. Just for different reasons.

Roman was in the hospital because of some dumb motorcycle crash he got into, which near-gave Remus a heart attack when he heard about because he may often ask for death these days, but not like this. Never like this.

Anyway, he was more or less alive in the end. Just a broken leg and a lot of scrapes and bruises since he always refused to wear the proper protective clothing when he went riding (due to it ‘not fitting his aesthetic', apparently. Remus assumed it was pussy talk for ‘I don’t look badass enough to pull off leather’).

Remus had stopped by to visit, bringing some of the fancy name-brand crackers Roman liked since he kept complaining about how stale and awful the hospital’s ones were, and to say hello to Virgil while xe was on shift. The three of them even managed to sit down while Virgil was on break and catch up, too. Roman and Virgil seemed glad Remus was doing a bit better after his downward spiral a couple of weeks ago, even if they didn’t mention it.

After a few hours spent catching up and teasing one another, he decided to leave Roman to get some rest. His plans for that evening were to take a load off and perhaps call for some takeout with Nadia. Honest to God, he didn’t plan on looking for any trouble.

But still, trouble found him when he noticed Logan walking the halls of the hospital, following a doctor to the elevator.

Remus double-taked. Though he shouldn’t really be surprised to see Logan here in a place with so much death, it was still odd witnessing the cloaked figure walk around normal people, none of them noticing his presence.

Remus quickly jogged over. "Logan!" He hissed under his breath.

The deity startled (startled!) before turning to him, just like the doctor he was following.

"Do you need something?" The doctor said, raising an eyebrow.

"Uhhhh, nope! Just… getting into the elevator." Remus replied, stepping in and standing next to Logan.

"Why must you have such awful timing?" Logan sighed stressfully as the elevator doors slid shut. Remus looked at him, unable to verbally reply with the doctor standing right next to them. Fortunately, his unspoken request to elaborate was picked up on.

"This doctor is going down go the morgue. I was here to see a patient that died under his care, and I noticed how death seemed to latch onto him. I got curious."

Sounds like a bad doctor, if even a deity of death was interested in him. Heh, that probably said a lot about Remus too.

Logan elaborated for Remus’ misinterpreting amused expression. "Remus, he murders patients purposefully. You should not have gotten on this elevator."

...Oh. Remus looked past Logan to the doctor, who had noticed his glances.

"...Hm, aren't you supposed to be in your room? Broken leg, road burn, lacerations?" He questioned, eyes flicking down to where he assumed Remus must be injured.

"Nope! You’re thinking of my twin. I came to visit him today." Remus responded as chipper as he could manage, suddenly a lot more unnerved knowing that this apparently dangerous doctor knew about his brother.

"Ah! I see. I did wonder how you managed to grow a full moustache in a day." The man chuckled. "Twins… quite fascinating."

Uh oh spaghetti-os. "Yeah… people say we're like two unrelated people, we’re so different." Remus laughed dismissively. It didn't seem to bother the doctor.

"Interesting… Say, a partner of mine is conducting a study on the differences in the individual psychologies of monozygotic twins. I'm sure it would please her to get more data, if you'd be interested in participating. There would be monetary compensation for your time, of course."

"This is such an unethical form of recruitment. What kind of professional are you?" Logan argued in frustration. Remus almost burst into laughter on the spot from the bizarreness of the situation, but he somehow managed to turn it into an agreeable grin instead.

"Sounds good, doc." Remus said.

"What-?!" Logan exclaimed. Remus spared him a glance, hoping it would let him know he knew what he was doing. Logan didn't look placated in the slightest.

"Excellent! I'll pass the details onto your brother and we can arrange a meeting sometime this week.”

At that moment, the elevator stopped to let a few other people on. Remus took the opportunity to head out before they could reach the basement floor.

“See you later!” He called to both the Doctor and Logan.

“REMUS!”

--------------

Case 4.5: the dead doctor.

The next time they meet, Remus fully expects it.

Roman asks him over text why he volunteered them for a study, and Remus makes some vague excuse like ‘sexy doctor’. Thankfully, he bought it.

Before the date sent to them by the doctor, Remus decided to do his own research first. To do so, he contacted Virgil and asked for details on the man.

After copious amount of friendly jabs (like 'oooh Remus, I didn’t know tall, straight, and boring was your type'), Virgil told him his name and not much else, given that xe wasn't exactly close with the older staff member. That was fine; Remus used the information to find online profiles, where he found contact details and photos, where he found business accounts, where he found history.

After pulling a few more strings from people that owed him one, he managed to gain access to the vital records from the hospital. It didn’t take long to discover that Logan was right, there had been a spike in deaths since the doctor, a mister 'Stacey’, had begun working there. It was a mystery how no one had noticed the pattern honestly. Weren't doctors supposed to get their licences taken away after a certain number of incidents? As he begun looking through the files more closely however, he realized that the deaths were often chalked up to accidents; small things that could have been due to anything, from mistakes during operations, to the patients overdosing on their prescribed medication, to incidents days after they’ve been discharged.

As Remus closed his laptop, he begun feeling very glad he had impulsively accepted Stacey’s offer.

The meeting ended up being scheduled for Friday evening, and by the time it rolled around, Remus was fully prepared and waiting outside of the agreed location. He dialled Roman’s number, looking out to the empty parking lot and familiarizing himself with the location.

After a few rings, Roman picked up, sounding slightly agitated. “Yes, Captain Dookey?”

Remus snickered at the old nickname-- it was practically a relic from when they played pirates as children. Perhaps Roman was feeling sentimental after his accident.

“Aye aye first mate. You should know that I’m not gonna make it to the study. I already called Dr. Stacy to let him know we’re cancelling for today, so you can stay home.”

“Really Remus? I just got ready.”

“Yeah well, you’re supposed to be resting anyway. Unless you want to drop a visit by yourself that is, but Virgil told me he’s straight, soooo...”

He heard a retching sound on the other end of the line.

“No thanks.” A sigh. “I’ll see you tomorrow then, I guess.”

“Bye, ugly.”

“Later, Rat Bastard.”

“Rats are cute, that’s not an insult. Byeee~.” Remus quickly hung up, his grin quickly fading as he took in the apartment complex.

It didn’t look like the sort of space that would house an office, but Stacey didn’t look like the type to break the Hippocratic oath either, so perhaps the world wasn’t as straight-forward as it seemed.

Slipping his phone away, Remus buzzed the number he’d been given, and it wasn’t long before the good doctor himself came down to answer the door personally.

“Remus.” Stacey almost looked surprised to see him. “Is your brother not coming?”

“Oh, no.” Remus waved a hand. “I just got off the phone with him and he told me he’s running late. He said to get started without him.”

He received a charming smile. “That works just fine. Come on in.”

Stacey led him up the stairs to his apartment, and the whole time Remus felt the weight of the kitchen knife in his pocket. When they got to the ‘office’ (which was really just a living room with minimal furnishing), he offered him a drink.

“No thanks, I’m good.” Remus said, looking around. “...Seems pretty empty in here for an office.”

“Ah… Yes, unfortunately my colleague is having renovations done in her usual space, so we’ll have to collect our data here. I hope that doesn’t bother you.”

A fair enough explanation on the surface, and one his brother would probably accept if he was here, but Remus wasn’t nearly as trusting as Roman was. Nor was he as ignorant to the true purpose of this meeting.

“I see… That makes sense. Or at least it would, if I didn’t already know all about your dirty little secrets.”

Stacey glanced up from where he’d been looking for a pen. “...Pardon?”

Remus smiled back; a grin with all teeth. “You have quite a few skeletons in your closet, doc. Even for a fine medical professional like yourself.”

The doctor very carefully didn’t react to that. "My apologies, do you have the right person? To the best of my knowledge we've only spoken once."

"Yeah." Remus agreed. "And once is all it took. I found out about all those little accidents that follow you, doctor. Weird how many times your patients pass away from nicked veins and potassium chloride overdoses, hm?"

The only outward response Stacey gave was the clenching of his fists. Subtle, but Remus noticed it. "Be careful Mr. Kaneshiro, because that sounds an awfully lot like a baseless accusation. People sue for that, you know."

"I don't doubt it. But you already know it's not so baseless, don't you? You know exactly what I’m talking about, which is why you invited us here to a shady apartment late at night, no colleague in sight."

"Remus what the hell do you think you're doing?!" A familiar voice chimed from behind him.

Remus startled out of his focus, whipping his head around. "Logan?"

"Don't look at me, you ignoramus-! You met a serial killer alone after I told you to stay away?!"

"He knows my brother, I couldn't just-!"

Remus looked back at the doctor was closer now, looking down at him pitifully. "I see now. The talking to air, the erratic behaviour, the pushing your delusions onto others… you mustn't be well. It's alright, Mr. Kaneshiro, I could easily refer you to a mental health facility who will take care of you."

"Remus, you have to get out! Now!"

"I know!" He wasn’t a complete idiot, damn it! But he needed to get Stacey to confess or-

"Ah, perfect! If you wait here, I’ll go and make a call."

Remus stepped backwards, hand going to the knife in his pocket. He needed Stacey to confess, but if he didn’t-

Unfortunately, Stacey noticed his movement and quickly grabbed his left wrist, putting way too much pressure in his grip than was necessary.

"Ah-ah. I told you to stay put, didn't I? Come now, don't be difficult. I'm only trying to get you the help you need."

If he didnt-

"Let go of him!" Logan demanded to the man who couldn't hear him.

Stacey froze, feeling the cool touch of Death on his arm as Logan tried to pull him away, and at that moment Remus pulled his knife out and stabbed him in the chest; slipping the blade right between the ribs.

Red pooled around the knife, staining his crisp white shirt vividly. Stacey stared at the knife, and dug his nails into Remus’ wrist.

"Fucker." Remus yelped with pain, pulling the weapon back out.

Finally, Stacey let go and stumbled back, hitting the wall and sliding down to the floor. His expression didn't recover from the shock from when Logan touched him; he didn't even try to apply pressure to the wound as he bled out. He just sat there until the light left his eyes, and the only sound left in the room was Remus’ laboured breathing.

"I… shouldn't have done that." Logan muttered, eyeing the limp body.

"Done what? I'm the one that killed him. That was my backup plan all along." Remus replied numbly, looking at the scene he had caused.

"I gave him the touch of Death, it's- it's an omen. I'm not supposed to use it ever."

"Gee, I'm flattered. I promise murder was always on my brain though." Remus said as he took the tape recorder out of his pocket. No need for this anymore. He wanted to get a clip of Stacey saying something incriminating so that he could defame him and ruin his reputation, but well, him not being able to benefit from a reputation at all was the next best thing.

Logan watched him, taking in the claw marks across his wrist. "...Right. He scratched you, so remember to clean under his nails."

Despite everything, Remus smiled softly at the advice. "Aww, you really care about me, don't you?"

"I- no. Absolutely not. That’s absurd" Remus snickered as Logan flushed an adorable shade of paynes grey, which he hid by going to deal with the corrupt doctor’s soul.

"...Why did you show up, by the way? There isn't anyone dead in this apartment is there?" Remus realized belatedly, looking around the empty space.

"Ah… No. Admittedly, I've been keeping a closer eye on this town than I really should, and after what happened the other day, I figured I needed to be here when I noticed you two meeting… I probably shouldn’t have.” Logan conceded.

"Well, at least you can't say this wasn't a business visit." Remus giggled to himself, wiping the blood from his knife with a tissue. Maybe he was a little giddy from the endorphins of confronting a prolific serial killer, or perhaps it was the confirmation that Logan cared for him, but either way he felt really good right now, like he could take on the world.

Logan looked at him and sighed. "I should've known you'd be trouble. No more killing, Remus. This has to be the last time."

"Of course, pinky promise~."

"...I can see you crossing your fingers behind your back, you brat."

--------------

Case 5: the one who tried to get away.

The next time they met, Remus broke his pinky promise. No surprises there.

It was hardly even a promise to begin with, but for some reason Logan expected him to stick to it. Quite foolish, if you ask Remus, given that he now had a total of three murders under his belt, and stopping there almost felt like giving up.

Of course, he had to lay low after Stacey however. The hospital was holding a memorial for his death and Remus later found out that it was ruled a break in. (Made sense, since Remus took a few of his fancy cleaning products on the way out, as a treat to himself.)

It was a shame Stacey was being remembered so honourably, but he couldn't really do anything about that. At least he wasn't out in the world hurting more people.

But unfortunately for Remus, the ruling of Stacey’s murder didn’t stop the incident from trickling into his normal life, as Virgil and Roman seemed to grow suspicious of him. Virgil didn't bring up the topic to him directly, but xe begun acting sketchy when the two of them hung out (Though that could easily be wariness after having one of xyr co-workers be killed). Oppositely, Roman brought the topic up at the first chance possible.

"Dr. Stacey was murdered the night we were supposed to meet him." Roman commented the next day they were able to have lunch together, arms crossed confrontationally. "Funny that."

"Yeah. Sounds like we had some pretty good luck, if you ask me." Remus grinned.

"Wha- why are you smiling?! A man died!" His twin hissed at him. Under his breath, as to not alert the other tables.

Remus’ grin faded. "Listen Ro-bro, I didn't want to tell you this but our good doctor wasn't as kind as you think he is. I called you off that night to help you. Trust me. It’s better off that neither of us went through with that ‘study’."

Roman leaned back, looking unconvinced. "What were you doing instead, Remus?"

"...Huh?"

"You heard me. Where were you? What's your alibi?"

"You're not accusing your own flesh and blood of murder, are you?" Remus sipped his drink casually; ice coffee with as many pumps of peppermint syrup as the barista would allow.

"Just answer the question." Siiigh, what a tightass. How did they come out the same womb?

"I was meeting an old friend, for your information. Logan." Remus smiled to himself at the inside joke.

"Logan? You've never mentioned a Logan before." Roman raised his eyebrows.

Remus leaned back in his chair with a shrug, opting to look out the window instead. By doing so he missed the flash of complicated emotions that crossed his twin’s face at the dismissive gesture.

"I don't tell you everything about my life, brother dearest."

"Clearly…"

A week or two passed since his conversation with Roman, and during that time Remus didn't get to see Logan again once. That wasn't such a terrible thing, most people would assume, to not run into a deity of death, but Remus was so bored! He wanted to see his favourite death pal again, but no opportunities arose to do that, and nothing was striking his murder-fancy.

That was until the day he saw a familiar licence plate parked outside a shop.

Remus froze in his tracks, remembering the night he last saw that car.

A woman crossing the street, a body too still, a car speeding away with no remorse-

Remus had given the licence number to the police, but clearly they hadn't done anything about it. Or perhaps they'd tried and the asshole bought them off.

He growled at the idea, startling a passer-by who was crossing around him.

Thankfully, he didn't have to wait long before he found out who his ire belonged to. A familiar face left the shops and begun walking towards the car; Anton, a guy who had been a year above him back in high school. Remus’ memory of the man was vague; primarily made up of snapshots of cruelty and entitlement towards those around him.

He looked exactly the same, with his annoyingly polished appearance and ugly overpriced clothes. So he was right about the police being paid off, then. Typical.

He'd just have to do something about this himself.

“I suppose there’s no point in trying to convince you to stop this, is there?”

“I mean.” Remus begun, looking down at the body he had just finished suffocating and rubbing at his bruised arms. There was more of a struggle than tv had led him to believe. “I kinda had to do this one. What? Was I supposed to connect the dots on a murder and not stalk and kill the guy who got away unpunished?”

“Most people would say yes.” Logan groaned, in the sort of tone that said he already knew he was fighting a losing battle.

“We’re not like most people though, are we?” Remus grinned, fluttering his eyelashes.

“You’re most certainly not. I’m barely a person.” Logan replied with finality.

--------------

Case 6: the one who pushed their luck.

And then shortly after;

“Come on man, don’t do this.” The masked person pleaded, hanging onto the fire-escape for dear life. Literally.

Remus raised an eyebrow, making a show of contemplating the request. “Hmm, I don’t know. You did try to pull a gun on me.”

“It wasn’t loaded, jackass!”

Remus tutted and held his foot over the person’s clammy hands. They shook violently at the unspoken threat. “And now you’re gonna wake up the whole neighbourhood too? No consideration!”

His joking tone must have angered them, because they began struggling to hoist themself back up again, red in the face with strain. “I swear, when I get up there-”

Promptly losing his interest in hearing the rest of that threat, Remus stood on their fingers, causing them to let go of the fire-escape and plummet to the street below with a strangled yell.

“Whoopsie daisy.”

He leaned over the banister, whistling innocently as a familiar presence appeared next to him. Logan joined him in peering down at the body, eyebrow raised.

“At least this one was merely an accident?” He guessed by the cause of death, a twinge of hope in his voice.

“Nah, they’ve tried breaking in at least 3 times this year. It was getting annoying.”

As Logan scolded him for his recklessness, Remus decided not to comment on it when their topic of conversation turned back towards the casual banter they usually shared. The two of them stood on the fire escape until the sun was on the edge of the horizon and Remus had to dash back to his apartment to avoid being seen by the early-commuters.

--------------

Case 8: the innocent.

And then:

Remus curiously nudged the raccoon with the tip of his boot. He’d just stumbled upon it and it still looked fresh; given that he was standing by a busy road, it was no wonder what had happened.

He was making a mental note to come back and collect the bones at a later date, when Logan appeared in-front of him in a blink, looking completely unsurprised this time around.

Remus on the other hand startled before regaining his bearings and shooting the deity a smile. “Our paths are looking less parallel by the day huh, Psychopomp-ous?”

Logan raised his eyebrows appreciatively at the word play. “It appears so. It’s quite the pleasant surprise to find you not getting into trouble for once.”

“There’s always tomorrow.” Remus wiggled his eyebrows back. “That said, I really didn’t expect to see you. I was wondering for a while if you dealt with this kind of thing too, y’know.”

Logan looked down, seeming to really notice the raccoon for the first time. He nodded after a beat. ”She had a life too. My brother brought her into the world, and so I must escort her out.”

”Yeah? Anything of note happen?” Remus asked, eyebrows raised with genuine curiosity. He’d file away the latter half of Logan’s statement for later prodding.

”...She had a family. They stayed together under the porch of an old couple.”

“Ah, to be a racoon living under a porch.” Remus lamented dreamily. “I’m glad she got to live such a rich and fulfilling life before becoming road kill. I’m truly jealous.”

“In the wild, your lifespan would most likely be around 2–3 years as a raccoon.” Logan pointed out, attempting to contradict his idealistic tone.

“Exactly. The life.”

That earned a pinched expression from Logan that made Remus titter.

“Just messing with you, prim reaper~. Now, do you have any idea how long it’s going to take for her to decompose? I have a new piece of decor to make.”

--------------

Case 11: the matchbox.

Remus watched from afar as the house on Psyche Avenue burned. It was bright and brilliant, so of course the firefighters were already on the scene, trying to calm the fire and save the occupant inside.

They’d be much too late; the trafficker was already unconscious and likely burning to death, along with any evidence Remus might have left behind. It was the perfect crime.

Satisfied with today’s work, he took a drag of a cigarette, delighted when Logan appeared beside him instead of with the dirtbag who deserved to burn forever (and since it was a mystery whether he'd end up with such a fate, it only seemed fitting for Remus to play god and speed up the process.)

“Those kill, you know.” Logan said in greeting.

“That makes two of us.” Remus grinned sharply, even when Logan rolled his eyes and pinched out the end of his cigarette.

For the second time in a month, the two of them overlooked the sky together, illuminated by the amber blazes of the fire. It almost felt like a date.

--------------

Case 13: the one with bad luck.

He was back in the alley that had imprinted itself so clearly in his memory, knife buried in the chest of a would-be assailant. Remus was boredly watching the blood seep between the bricks when Logan finally appeared to deal with the body.

“You’re late!” Remus complained with a whine. “This guy’s practically cold already.”

“Apologies. There was a flash flood across the country, and it took more of my focus to handle than I would've liked."

Remus hummed. He thought he heard something about that on the news. Mother nature could be cruel indeed. Perhaps even worse than Remus himself.

“Anyone nearby?” He checked.

“Not in a half-mile radius, no. However, the police may be on their way.”

“Plenty of time, then.” Remus said as he pulled Logan down to place a kiss on the corner of his mouth.

It had been months since that first drunk sloppy kiss happened, and less time since it had become a regular greeting. Remus would never get tired of the feeling of cold skin against his lips. It was like kissing marble-- if marble had a sassy mouth and a sexy amount of knowledge.

Logan pulled back first, smudging away the trail of blood running from Remus' nostril. “Did you have any trouble?”

“Nah, you should see the other guy.”

That earned a laugh-- a quiet chime that made Remus’ heart flutter. “I see them. Good job, you’re getting rather skilled at that.”

“Why, thank you~.” Remus preened under the praise. “It only took a couple tries, but I think I finally got the technique down pat.”

“Hmm. Speaking of 'Pat', my brother doesn’t seem to like this much. He’s not unappreciative of your choices in target, although he appears to be rather disapproving on the amount of times I've been called to your side."

Logan didn't talk about his brother much: the deity of life. From what little Remus had learned from his prying and Logan’s own complaints, he seemed like a bit of a killjoy. He blew a raspberry in response.

"Tell Patton to stop making so many criminals and maybe I'll consider it."

The corner of Logan's lips quirked up. "I don't think I will, as humorous as I'm sure that would be. It doesn't quite work like that."

Remus shrugged, watching as Logan looked off to the side.

"...It seems I’m needed elsewhere."

”You can’t stay? We barely got to talk.” Remus said with a pout.

“Unfortunately so.” Logan turned to the body; what he should have been there for. It wasn’t long before his focus was back on Remus, though. “That said... It’s a busy night. Perhaps we’ll meet again sooner than expected.”

Remus’ frown tipped back into a smile as he watched Logan vanish. He then turned on his heel and retrieved his knife before walking off into the night. If he was going to make good on Logan’s expectations, he better get to work.

--------------

Case 0: the one who death followed.

It soon became an established pattern; Remus would come across someone shady, and he’d put together a detailed- or straight-forward- plot on how to get rid of them. By now his city must have noticed the string of deaths, but with such a random means and very little evidence, Remus was free to continue as he pleased.

In a sense, he was untouchable with Logan by his side, pointing out anything he left behind and giving warning for any potential witnesses. Especially when he gave up on persuading Remus away from this path. It's not like the moral argument could be made anymore; the city had seen a drastic decrease in crime once Remus had taken out a lot of big players (even if there was an air of fear that lingered in the back of everyone's minds, wondering if they'd be next up on the chopping block).

All in all, it was enough to make Remus cocky; perhaps even enough so to lead to his downfall. But how was he ever going to give up now? All his life he’d been hoping for some sort of excitement to fulfil him, and he finally found it in a surprise meeting with a deity of death. Death had gone from a distant longing to something familiar and welcome; something he could use to right wrongs and feel a sense of purpose with.

And as long as he was able to exchange a life for one more meeting with his beloved partner in crime, he would do his best to stay ahead of the game.

(No matter who was out there, trying to stop the two of them.)

--------------

Writing taglist: @just-perhaps @sashootkahoot @anxious-l0ser @illogical-immunity @overlad-of-the-snakes @varthandi @whisperinginthevoid @and-this-sword @creamiiteaa-xx

Deityfucker au taglist: @arodynamic-enby @its-the-usda-certified-trashman @overlad-of-the-snakes @aromanticwhore @haha-phrog @hetalianhufflepuff @emeryyleaf @winter-wandering @gaylotusthatexists @8bituin

#my writing #sanders sides #intrulogical #remus sanders #logan sanders #(others are mentioned)#deityfucker au #death tw #violence tw #crime tw #weapon tw #swearing tw #injury tw #(lots of warnings for this one. take care!)

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millenniumblog · 3 years ago

Text

a story inspired by millennial angst

make it through sunrise - chapter one

summary - The Gang graduated high school, and it turns out important card games don't turn up for every major life change after all. Still, how is a person supposed to keep growing up after all the life and death stakes come to a lull in April?

word count - 2,949

rating - T (for now)

excerpt -

Kame Game Shop, Domino City, Eastern Tokyo

The thing about life is that you generally have to plan for it. For most of the local teenagers, this meant that the past few years had been filled with studying, sleepless nights, and desperately preparing for the strange respite that entrance into college would turn out to be. For Yugi Mutou and his friends, on the other hand, those years had been filled with competitive, sometimes deadly card games, other occasionally lethal plots by the wealthy, living and dead, and millennia's worth of destiny fulfillment and defiance.

In short, Yugi hadn't really put much effort into his final exams. It wasn't that he was stupid or completely incapable. It was just that he had a lot on his mind and still had a lot to deal with. The Internet reassured him that this decision wasn't necessarily slow-motion suicide. He could always go to college in the States. Someday. Maybe.

In the meantime, when April rolls around, Yugi finds himself with a lot of time on his hands.

He hasn't received any mysterious, antiquated forms of media storage in the mail lately.

He hasn't been invited or blackmailed into any absurdly high-takes competitions lately.

Mostly, for the first week or so, he hardly leaves his room.

author’s note - I started the original version of this fic in 2018, and while it received some initial attention in its original format, I quickly dropped off the wagon with updating it regularly. After that, I went to Japan and worked for a while, so my perspective has slightly broadened. Beyond that, I ultimately didn’t like my experiment with posting it as a “series” rather than a chaptered work on AO3. So, this is a soft rewrite. Expect a lot of the original material to be much the same, but I am making some edits and expanding a bit. If you haven’t read the original version, I recommend you just ignore that it exists and please read and kudos or comment on this one if you like it! It is going to be an ensemble, multishipping work. {Projected encourageshipping, puppyshipping/violetshipping, and thiefshipping, others may come along for the ride.} Please like and reblog here on tumblr too!

#encourageshipping #fanfiction #yugioh #yugioh dm #mutou yugi #op

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persephoneisle · 4 years ago

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the secret history: a review

Jan 9 - Jan 13, 2021

9/10 rating

This book is spectacular. I've never read anything like it. I usually stray away from more adult-geared books, as I find Young Adult novels to often be more fulfilling. I’ve really enjoyed discovering New Adult books as a college aged academic, especially as I embrace the dark academia aesthetic. Going into college (especially after a gap year), I want to rediscover my love for reading that I haven't quite felt for original novels in a long time. Boy did I pick the book to start off with, it sucked me in and didn't let me go for two days straight as I marathoned the last two thirds of the book.

This is my first book review of the year. I plan on jump back into reading more books, so I have a whole lot more coming this year.

As to the rating, I felt that there could have been more about the academic side of Ruchards experience with the classics. There certainly was plenty of it, but I find myself intrigued by the intricacies of a classic New England style liberal arts college.

To be perfectly honest I was spoiled about Henry’s suicide from the very beginning of the book. I have absolutely awful luck with spoilers finding me while I’m simply trying to find out how to get books and any media. While the suicide was spoiled, I was not prepared for the bacchanalia that kickstarted the whole murder plot. That was definitely a shock, as I really thought that Bunny was murdered because he was annoying, homophobic, probably racist, and a bigot towards Catholics and Jewish people. One theory I had at the beginning was that Henry and Julian were together and Bunny found out, leading to him being killed to keep the relationship a secret. Of course, that didn’t happen, the original four killed a man while high on a pagan ritual and Bunny found out.

The story was compelling and there were many twists and turns that kept me on my toes. I enjoyed the difference in writing style when the perspective changed from twenty year old naïve Richard to twenty-eight year old lonely and remorseful Richard. I could imagine there being voiced over scenes that are interspersed with shots of grad school Richard writing at some dorm room desk in Southern California, letting go all of “the secret history” from his year taking classics at a small New England liberal arts college. I’m not sure whether the older perspective is from a diary or incredibly long suicide note, but they shine a more mature light on Richard’s past.

I thought that Tartt’s transparency towards homosexuality, drugs, bigotry, and an exaggerated college experience was very refreshing. Especially for a book written in the eighties and published in ninety-two, the topics discussed were heavy but written with such clarity that sometimes I had to put the book down and breathe for a moment. Bunny’s bigotry and homophobia came from what seemed like nowhere on page fifty. However, one must remember the allusions to his boarding school and football days, as well as his father being described as a football star that landed a job as a somewhat wealthy banker. (The Corcoran family bankruptcy was not shown quite yet.) That fiftieth page really set the tone for how the rest of the classics group was introduced as full characters, and part of why I did not have much sympathy for Bunny when his time came at the halfway mark.

I found it quite poetic that during that luxurious autumn at the lakehouse, Richard dreamt of never leaving this new group of friends. He didn’t want to separate after college and grow apart like so many college friendships do. However during the epilogue we see that exact phenomenon happen to the Hampden class, and Richard is alone in the end. Tartt used many literary tricks to make a well-rounded story. Richard starts off alone and unloved, and she ends the book with Richard being alone, unloved, and pushed to the side.

I’m sure I could write a whole paper on this book, but if you have made it this far, I thank you. I do hope that this review was satisfactory.

#book rec #book review #dark academia #the secret history #donna tartt #classic academia #literature #literary review

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skies-diary · 4 years ago

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The more I think about it, the more I think we should stop sending our children to school past grade 5.

More under the cut. TW for suicide mention, mental illness, gun violence mention, and assault mention.

Of course education is important, but schools dont really educate; not anymore. At least, "higher learning" like middle / high school and college don't. I can think of only two classes in grades 6-12 that I've ever used in my day to day life, and those were sex ed (which was comprehensive for me, but which many schools in the US arent even allowed to have on the syllabus) and home economics. The rest were really just full of meaningless facts that I was forced to memorize and that I likely won't remember by ten years after graduation.

It's not that I think people should be uneducated. It's that as early as 100 years ago, people wouldn't send children to school before they were six years old, and now preschools start enrollment at six weeks old. Its that I learned very little in my teenage years that I would ever use in my adult life. Its that school contributed to my depression and anxiety that started at age 11 when I was in sixth grade, and that I'm still struggling with today.

More than anything else, though, while elementary school taught to read and write and made learning a part of life, sixth grade and up made me hate learning. It taught me that learning is a chore to finish and be done with so you can do "fun things". It taught me that if you can't get something right on the first try, you're bad at it and theres no point trying. More than trying to get me ready to choose my own path in life, school was focused on three things; fidelity to country, unconditional respect and obedience to authority, and capitalism training.

Fidelity to country: Every single day started with the pledge of allegiance. Some kids didnt stand for it, and I wish I'd been one of them. On veterans day my senior year, our first hour teacher told the class that any students that didnt stand for the pledge that day would be sent to the office for "disciplinary action". After the pledge, the whole class was escorted down the hall to the room of a teacher who was also a veteran, and we all had to stand in a line to shake his hand and thank him for his service. At age 17, I didn't think that was too strange. At age 23, having lived through Trump's presidency and seen what nationalism and extremism looks like more clearly, I find it much more off-putting than before.

Unconditional respect for authority: For me, this really started in second grade. After first grade, I was transferred to a new school which was poorly managed. The school was understaffed and overcrowded, classrooms were wildly out of ratio and teachers were overwhelmed. My brother, in kindergarten, hardly knew how to spell his name by the end of the year, and that's only because he had extra-curricular support.

The school avoided any and all accountability by having a policy of "the teacher is always right", therefore placing all responsibility on the students for any learning difficulties they encountered. The school board thankfully let my siblings and I transfer to a more competent and less crowded school after I was physically assulted by another student (a boy from another class who tried to suffocate me), and my parents threatened a lawsuit against the district.

The expectation for unfailing respect was amplified in high and middle school, from the constant police presence in schools to the draconian dress code regulations to teachers who treated their profession like a power trip. I did have a lot of good teachers, but others acted like being a teacher gave them license to act like a drill sergeant.

Capitalism training: this is very different than career training. Career training would have taught us marketable, useful skills. Rather, my school district got us ready for the workforce by having us sit at a desk for eight hours a day, delegating us tasks to be completed in a set amount of time, or we'd have life-altering repercussions. We were young adults who had little to no say in how we spent our day to day lives. I feel like these things contributed a lot to spending my teenaged years feeling like I had no direction in life; a feeling that persists in adulthood and has caused me untold distress, from difficulty in career choice to suicidal ideation.

As a teen, I didn't really understand the point of it all. However, it seems fairly obvious as an adult. School was training for corporate life. Modern American schools are turning out kids who have very few life skills, who are primed to sit at a desk for 8 hours, completing largely meaningless tasks and putting up with bullshit from authority figures whom they know better than to question.

In my personal experience, everything past grade 5 had nothing to do with education; rather, it was a nearly decade-long indoctrination ritual to prepare children to take their place as an employee and "contribute to society" under Late Stage Capitalism. It's framed as a necessary part of life, but the truth is that historically, parents, extended family and community were the forces that educated children. They taught them the life skills useful to their time and culture. Today, for example, technological literacy is needed, but a Native American child in 1500 would have learned how to hunt, how to mend, and how to build shelter. A child in 4000 BC Egypt would have likely learned to grown plants in the Nile Delta and care for farm animals.

Learning is a part of life. Human brains are supercomputers that can recognize patterns like nothing else in the world. No teacher has to sit down a typically developing child and teach them to speak; they learn through daily life. Humans didn't learn to make fire in lecture hall. We're naturally curious and eager to learn as children, but after going through school, very few adults retain this enthusiasm.

I used to be able to read three novels in an afternoon. Now I struggle to finish a chapter. This shift did not come about until age 11, the same year I entered middle school.

Children go to school now because there is rarely any other choice. In most American families, both parents work, and if a child is in a single-parent household, it's even less likely they have a stay-at-home parent. This symptom of Late Stage Capitalism (parental absense) causes children to grow into adults indoctrinated into the system, which is causatious of Late Stage Capitalism. It's a cycle that can be hard to break.

But we have to do something. Education reform, finding a way to homeschool / educate through community, or even just stop having kids. I haven't had any children yet because I dont want to raise my babies to be corporate slaves for the Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk of their generation.

Because as it stands right now, America's schoolchildren that aren't gunned down by angry white men are coming out the other side of graduation depressed, directionless, and with one of the highest suicide rates (second leading cause of death for Gen Z) in human history.

What American schools are doing isn't just not working, it's purposefully malicious. We need to change.

#tw suicice #tw gun mention #tw mental illness #tw assault #late stage capitalism #capitalism #america #american school system #school reform #american education #my posts

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exxar1 · 4 years ago

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Episode 5: Why Machiavelli Would Never Wear a Mask (And Why You Shouldn’t Either)

12/9/2020

Last week’s episode of the Young Heretics podcast was about The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli. The Prince is one of those classics of western lit that I’ve never actually read – or even taken a college class where this was one of the texts. What little I remember about this text is from history class during my junior year in high school. Mrs. Jones (no relation) told us that Machiavelli wrote The Prince as a treatise on political philosophy. He believed that the ends justified the means, and that the best way for a prince to retain power over the people was to rule by fear rather than love. The word “Machavellian” has always been used as a pejorative description in our modern society, often referring to those people who are cold, heartless, and unfeeling. Machiavelli’s name has become synonymous with those characters in popular movies, books and TV shows that attempt to control other characters and events by using various means of deceit and guile.

Now, to be fair, Mrs. Jones’ interpretation and summary of The Prince is not entirely wrong. I did a brief Google search on Machiavelli and The Prince, and about half the links of my search results reaffirmed that view. The other half, however, offered a surprisingly different take on The Prince, one that is also shared by Spencer Klavan on Young Heretics. That podcast is now 29 episodes old, but this is the first one that has presented me with something entirely new – both the text itself and the interpretation of it.

In his advice to the titular prince, Lorenzo de Medici, Machiavelli instructs him on how to best maintain power and control of his subjects and his state. The best way to do this, Machiavelli believed, was for the prince to be feared rather than loved. Also, at times, it would be necessary to use what many would consider to be unjust or immoral means in order to sustain that power and control. Hence Machiavelli’s negative reputation in the history books and modern culture.

But Spencer makes the argument that Machiavelli’s reputation is ill-earned. There’s more to this Italian philosopher than what has been passed down in the history books. To put it simply, Machiavelli was a realist. He addressed human nature – and human behavior – in harsh, realistic terms. This was how Machiavelli viewed the world. To use our vernacular, he didn’t sugarcoat the bad stuff. He understood how people behaved – both the ones in power and the ones being ruled – and he framed his advice to his prince in these simple, realistic terms.

I’ve spent the last several days thinking about this episode, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Spencer chose this episode to air when it did. All over the country, many state governors have issued lockdown orders for their principalities in response to a renewed surge in positive cases of COVID-19. As any of you who know me – either in real life or via social media – can attest, I am a rabid believer in the battle against face masks and the lockdowns. I’m also a firm believer in the actual science – as opposed to the political nonsense spouted by Doctor Fauci and his panel of “experts” – that says over and over how useless and pointless the masks are in the efforts to stop the spread of the corona virus. And, as you also know, I have plenty of time on my hands to think while at my day job, and the other day I came to a rather startling conclusion:

We should all be more like Machiavelli.

When exactly did we, the American people, become a nation of whiny, spoiled, self-entitled sissies? A nation of people who are so terrified of the possibility of dying that we happily give up our most basic freedoms and cower inside our homes or behind masks? Because that's exactly what's happened. The basic liberties and routines of our daily lives and, for many, their very livelihoods, were suddenly halted and/or shut down by our state governors who were acting in response to so-called science and medical “experts” in the effort to save a small, vulnerable percentage of our population. I've lost count of the number of times I've read on social media posts in the last 6 months about how pro-maskers wear a mask to protect their 85 year old grandmother or their 70 year old father. I've been called “heartless” and “pro-Nazi” from strangers in the comments section of news articles whenever I respond with the same argument that I'm going to put forth here.

We of the last couple generations have become so soft and spoiled and lazy that we've forgotten just how harsh and deadly real life can often be. And I'm including myself in that crowd. Those of us born in the last four decades of the 20th century have known nothing but prosperity and comfort, especially if – like me – you grew up in a typically middle class household. This is even more true of anyone born after 1995. I'm speaking of the generation that has never known life without Starbucks, Amazon, Google or a cell phone; the generation that grew up using laptop computers and watching TV by streaming it on the internet. In fact, we've become so complacent that we don't even have to leave our comfort zones to order a Big Mac from McDonald's or groceries from Walmart. When I was growing up in the 80s, I remember having to wait an eternity (4-6 weeks) for a toy to arrive that I had mail-ordered from a Sears catalog. Nowadays, I complain if my Amazon package isn't on my doorstep within 24 hours.

For pretty much all of us, 2020 was a massive wake-up call; a Mike-Tyson-punch-to-the-face or dive-into-Lake-Michigan-in-the-middle-of-December kind of wake-up call. None of us were prepared for a pandemic whose projected death toll was in the millions. Everyone from the top down – the president, our congressmen, our state governors, the national and local health experts – reacted instinctively. The medical experts, especially, were very quick to panic, based primarily on preliminary reports from European countries and China. Many state governors – most of them Democrats – were quick to declare a state of emergency and issue a lockdown order for their respective principalities. Hundreds of thousands of Americans were suddenly without work. Unemployment claims shot through the stratosphere. Congress approved an economic stimulus package. Everyone in the government – both national and local – assured us citizens that the lockdowns were temporary, two months at most.

But, of course, two months became three, then four, and by mid-July, many states were still in phase one or two of their “re-opening”. By this point, even the liberal-controlled mainstream media was reporting on the sudden spike of suicides in the lockdown states. Millions of unemployment claims were stuck in severe backlog, and more and more workers were being put on furlough by their employers – or just simply laid off. Here in Las Vegas, for example, the entire strip was a complete ghost town from mid-March to mid-June. This city's economy is utterly dependent on the tourism industry, and, with all casinos and hotels completely closed, the city as a whole suffered greatly. It's still suffering, in fact, even though most of the strip has been open since mid-July. Almost all the hotels and casinos can only afford to be open from Thursday to Sunday. Thousands here are still unemployed or working two part time jobs for barely minimum wage just to make basic ends meet.

And now, as I write this, our governor – along with those of California, New York, and many others – has declared a second round of lockdowns. In California, both Governor Newsom and the mayor of L.A. have banned indoor AND outdoor dining at all restaurants. And again, we the citizens have been told that this is for our own safety, and that these lockdowns will be temporary. One doesn’t have to look far on Twitter or Facebook to see cell phone videos of desperate, tearful, and/or furious restaurant and bar owners engaged in verbal rages about the injustice of all of this.

Here’s what should have happened clear back in February of this year:

Our leaders – our princes, if you will – both national and local, should have consulted not only the medical experts but also a team of economic and social advisors. The governors of every state should have taken a long, hard look at the long term cost of even a brief economic shutdown versus the projected death toll in the short term if COVID-19 was allowed to run its natural course through the U.S. population. You can already see where I’m headed with this. Our governors chose to shut down their states, to close all “non-essential” businesses, and ordered all citizens to self-quarantine. This was only supposed to be for a few weeks, at most. But we’ve all witnessed the long term effects of these shutdowns – skyrocketing unemployment rates, a rapid, severe spike in suicides and domestic abuse cases, and children who are falling so far behind in school due to “distance learning” that many will simply end up dropping out or repeating the same grade for another year.

Our princes should have been more like Machiavelli. They should have allowed life to continue as normal – no mask mandates, no social distancing orders, and most definitely no mandatory quarantines. Instead, the princes should have advised all citizens that the choice was theirs to self-quarantine or not, and that face masks would also be encouraged but completely optional. The result of this, of course, would mean a very high death toll in the short term. There would be no way to avoid this. As we already know now, face masks and social distancing are pointless and useless when it comes to preventing the spread of COVID. The highest numbers of fatalities would be among those older than 65. Hospitals and morgues would be overwhelmed. Emergency triage centers would have to be established in parking lots and empty football stadiums. For a month or two, the news headlines would be filled each day with the most recent death tolls.

But then, into the third month, the death count would start to go down. As herd immunity was finally achieved, life would, slowly but surely, get back to normal. And through it all, there would have been a slight drop in the regular business of many restaurants, movie theaters, and other recreational businesses that rely on tourism and seasonal traffic. But, ultimately, the country would have recovered from this much faster than they will in our present timeline. As it stands now, hundreds of thousands of small businesses across America have gone bankrupt and closed their doors for good. Even major restaurant chains like Ruby Tuesday and Sweet Tomatoe’s have permanently closed many – if not all – their locations. In the alternate timeline, where they had been allowed to remain open with no restrictions of any kind on the number of customers they were allowed to have inside at any time, these businesses would most likely still be up and running.

Yes, that means that your 75 year old father or your 90 year old grandma would have probably died. But that’s life. Like Machiavelli, I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. Life is hard. If you haven’t figured that out by now, you’re in for a long and frustrating existence on this earth. And lest you think I’m speaking from some superior, unaffected, condescending platform where I have not experienced any loss or hardship this year, let me remind of you of my blog post about my close friend Aaron Walker from a month ago. No, his death was not the result of COVID, as far as I know, but it was sudden, and it was completely unexpected. I’m still feeling his loss. But you know what? Life goes on. We mourn the dead, we bury them, and then we move on. Death is a fact of life. Machiavelli would have understood that, and so should all of us in 2020. This year has seen a lot of death, more than anything in recent decades, in fact. But that’s life. That’s the way life goes sometimes, and trying to avoid that inevitability by forcing face masks and quarantine and shutting down businesses on a whim is not going to change that simple fact.

I know many of you reading this are probably screaming at your phone screen right now, calling me all kinds of names and cursing me. “How can you be so heartless????” you rave. “How can you allow so many elderly and innocents to die just so you can still go to the movies or sit down at McDonald’s to enjoy your iced coffee and Big Mac????” “You’re a murderer because you still refuse to wear a mask in public!!!!”

And you know what? You’re absolutely right. I am probably infecting others by not wearing a mask. I do still want to go to a movie on Friday night and pig out on overpriced popcorn and soda. I do enjoy going out to eat at least once a week with all my friends. And yep, I’m perfectly fine with accepting the reality that many people are going to die because our governors refused to sacrifice the whole society in the chance that it might save a few innocent lives.

In other words, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.” That edict is as true today as when Spock said it to Captain Kirk in Star Trek 2 in 1982. Machiavelli would have completely understood that statement, and he also would have understood this: that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. We humans have been spreading disease to one another ever since Adam and Eve were cast out of the Garden of Eden. Death, you see, is the natural consequence of sin. Death is unavoidable, and death comes for us all. For some of us, we are lucky enough to live rich, full lives. For others, death comes all too soon. My grandfather will be 90 years old this year on December 31st. If I were to ask him today if he were ready to shuffle off this mortal coil and be welcomed into the arms of our Heavenly Father, his answer would be an immediate and resounding, “Yes!”. Your 75 year old father or your 85 year old grandmother are most likely looking forward to death. That doesn’t mean you should just kill them now by your own hand to hasten the inevitable. But it does mean that they are ready to meet their maker if their number is up. (And, by the way, is not more cruel to force the elderly to slowly waste away alone, locked up in forced quarantine in nursing homes, not allowed to see or even speak to their loved ones until they eventually die of depression, loneliness or COVID???)

COVID-19 is an act of God. It’s a chance of nature, a random thing that has struck the human race, and none of us have the power to change it or ward it off or protect ourselves and our loved ones against its wrath. As we have been doing since the Tower of Babel, we humans have infected one another and survived many, many plagues worse than this one. So you need to stop your whining, stop your complaining, pick yourself up, and get on with your fucking life. And, while you’re at it, you might want to open your Bible and get acquainted with your Creator. Because, sooner or later, you’re gonna meet him, and if you have not accepted his son, Jesus Christ, as your lord and savior, you will spend eternity in a place that makes COVID look like a summer’s vacation in the Florida Keys.

So, in conclusion, be more like Machiavelli. Throw away your damn mask, rise up against the tyranny of our modern princes, and help me get our lives back to normal. If we do not stand up for our freedoms we will most assuredly lose every last one of them.

Mmmmm-kay???

(And, by the way, if you haven’t been listening to Young Heretics, I strongly advise you to drop everything and begin immediately. Look it up on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. It will change your life.

You’re welcome.)

#covid #covidiot #life #god #mask #liberty #freedom

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brynwrites · 5 years ago

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Let’s Talk about Querying!

(And why I stopped querying my novel.)

As some of you know, I was querying Iron From Fire on and off from March through May, and I recently decided to quit, despite it being overall a good story written in what one editor described as ‘on par’ for the genre.

And I think it’s important to talk about the process I went through, because my ill preparation hurt my mental health a lot, and you all deserve to know how to avoid the same fate.

First, this is the general process of querying, in case anyone is unfamiliar:

You finish the manuscript. And I mean finish it. Beta rounds, line edits, formatting, the whole nine yards.

You write the query letter. This includes a blurb meant to draw the agent in, a paragraph with stats and the names of a couple contemporary books that resemble yours, and a short bio about your previous book-related experience.

You send the query letter to a bunch of agents. A positive request rate right now is somewhere around 6 or 7%, which means if you have a stellar manuscript then 7% of the agents you query will want to read more of it to see if they’re willing to represent you.

You receive a mixture of rejections and requests, with a lot of silence in between. Most rejections are form rejections so you have no idea why they didn’t like your manuscript. Some requests turn into delayed form rejections. Everything hurts.

You either get an agent who signs you or you decide to quit. If you have a book you think will sell and are having positive responses from agents, the general rule of thumb is to keep querying until you’ve sent a letter to every agent you’d be interested in working with. This can mean anywhere from 30 to 130 agents.

Putting the rest under the cut.

Keep reading for:

Why I quit.

The things I learned from querying.

What I would have done differently if I’d known better.

[While this has some rather personal mental health things, please feel free to reblog it so other writers can learn from my experience!]

Why I quit querying.

This is going to get personal for a hot second so bare with me.

I was querying the first novel in an adult fantasy trilogy I had worked on for over seven years. All the work from the first five years had been trashed three years before, and the rough draft I built the final manuscript on was rewritten three times after, so the actual story itself was only a couple years old, but I had the emotional attachment of seven years of love and heartache.

This being a trilogy, I had already written the second book and poured a lot of energy into the third book’s brainstorming by the time I fully finished the first manuscript. So not only was there over seven years of emotional attachment, but nearly 300k words of fairly decent story written in the series.

I hit a bunch of road blocks right when I first began querying:

My story, while it had all the things a query needs like stakes and conflict, was very hard to break down to a 200 word blurb.

The blurb I did end up with, no matter how I wrote it, sounded like a rather traditional fantasy plot, despite the story itself going places I’ve yet to read about in any other book.

I could not find contemporaries (books published recently which have elements similar to mine) to save my life, to the point where I was scrambling to read new books in hopes something would appear.

Most agents ask for the first five or ten pages, and I have fifteen pages of status quo before I got to the real plot, so that meant most agents would never even see the story I had outlined in my blurb.

On top of all that, I had a book which went a little over the word count most agents seek for a debut novel in its genre and it wasn’t even a standalone.

Those things compiled were a mess, and they should have clued me in that this wasn’t a book that would be worth the effort of selling as a debut. But this wasn’t what did me in. These things alone I might have been overcome by sheer determination. So why did I quit, then?

I stopped querying my manuscript because I realized I wasn’t just querying a manuscript, I was querying my baby.

I had put all seven years and many rewrites and an entire sequel I loved more than life on the line for this sale, and it fucked me over like a moon-sized meteor fucks over a planet.

My mental health, which I’d finally gotten under control after almost a decade of chronic depression and anxiety, plummeted back to levels it hadn’t reached in years. I hated everything I wrote. I cried over my writing. I cried over things that had nothing to do with writing. I became very negative and angry with my friends. Everyone else’s success felt like my personal failure. I began tipping into the realm of suicidal idealization.

That was what finally broke me; the knowledge that I’d been happy with my life, exactly as it was before I started querying, and now I suddenly didn’t find it worth living despite the query process being the only thing I’d added.

I adored and despised my manuscript in equal parts. I’d thought the mounds of critique I’d gotten for it in the past would make it easier for me to handle the rejections because I’d handled them all before from beta readers, and that the time between writing it and querying it would provide distance. It didn’t.

It turned this manuscript into the single part of my life I’d poured the most love and attention and frustration into, more then college degrees and individual relationships and work; even more than the book I’d already indie published. And setting that out for agents to reject at their whims was not healthy for me.

Once I looked that in the face, I realized something else as well: I didn’t want this book to be my debut.

The story was publishable, yes, but it had a funky structure I had reworked countless times just to make bearable, and the second book was the real gem of the series.

The writing was adequate, but it was also kind of bland compared to the style it’d developed since I’d written it. I preferred the style I was currently writing in and I wanted to sell that instead.

I really, really didn’t want to edit this book again for an agent or an editor. I’d poured so much energy into it already and I was sick: sick with love, sick with hate. Every edit I had made through the querying process had been wrapped in a mixture of forced disinterest and panicky dependence, and that was not the way I wanted to feel when I edited my debut for traditional publishing.

And this is not to say that Iron From Fire and its trilogy will never sell, or that no one would want to read it if it did. I’m shelving it, not throwing it out. But sometimes we have to admit to ourselves that it’s not the right time, and let a project go for a while, especially when its the one project we don’t want to let go.

Things I’ve Learned.

I’m prefacing this with the note that there are exceptions to every rule. None of these things will stop you from getting an agent or selling a manuscript, it’ll just make it harder to do so. And querying is hard enough without stacking the cards against yourself.

These are a mixture of experience and things I’ve seen agents talk about at length.

1. Word count is important.

It’s common knowledge that there are word count guidelines, but when most of the books on your shelf vary (sometimes drastically) from those guidelines, do they really matter? The fucking do. Agents will see too high word count and assume straight off that you don’t know how to create a streamline story and have wandering plot threads or useless scenes, and they’ll see a too low word count and assume you didn’t explore your world building and character development properly.

It you want to increase your chances of selling a manuscript, write it within the suggested word count guidelines.

2. Make your manuscript a solid, wonderful standalone.

You’ll hear ‘standalone with series potential’ thrown around a lot. This means you should have a first book which ends in a place that readers can feel satisfied permanently walking away from, but which doesn’t tie up so many threads that another story can’t come after it.

Less brought up but equally important is this: if you do have series potential, the rest of your series can’t be the better part of it. You aren’t selling a series, you’re selling a first book, so that first book must be able to stand for itself and say that it’s fantastic and more than worth reading on its own. It’s can’t be a gateway to a better book. It must already be the best book you can write.

3. If you have potential sequels, don’t write them yet.

From a writer’s perspective this is bad because it puts more of your soul into the series, and when it comes time to offer that part of your soul up to agents and editors, you want it to be as small as possible. Having six months of work rejected hurts. Having six years of work rejected kills. Be kind to yourself.

This is also bad from an agent’s perspective! Agents are looking for career oriented writers (even if that career is part time), who will write other books, with other plots and other characters, so if they sell your first book and its sales are mediocre they know they’ll have another chance with you on a different project. If you seem to be stuck in one world or series, that hinders their ability to market you as a writer.

3. Your first five pages are everything.

Five to ten pages is all most agents will ever see of your book. This is a lot less than many readers will read before putting a book down. Even if you’ve structured your opening to attract readers, it may not be fit enough to attract agents.

The first 2500 words of your manuscript should:

Display a clear narrative voice.

Introduce the world building and setting you described in your query with little to no exposition.

Introduce the main character’s personality and goals as described in your query with no exposition.

Show the main character doing the things you said they do in your query.

Show the inciting event you described in your query.

Show or at least hint at how the conflicts you described in your query will come to pass.

This is not always something you can edit into your manuscript at the last minute, so structuring your project this way up front is very helpful. If you can’t hit all these points with your story no matter how you rework it, you might want to consider querying a different project instead.

4. Young Adult is a harder sell.

The market is drenched in YA manuscripts. This doesn’t mean no one should write them, but if you don’t have a good reason why the story works best a YA (ie, it has themes targeted toward teenagers) then it might be worthwhile to adjust it to be MG and or adult (but not New Adult! NA is also a hard sell, because there are few editors actually buying it.)

5. The market matters.

On that note, it’s incredibly important to know what’s going on in the publishing market before you query.

What types of books are selling?

Is your manuscript a good twist on ideas, themes, or tones present in popular books from the last few years?

Does your manuscript align with what agents are asking for in their manuscript wishlists?

Is your writing style on par with the books what made decent sales in the last few years in your genre and target audience?

When you condense your story down to a few sentences, do you have a pitch that’s both unique and references popular contemporary stories?

In order to sell a book through traditional publishing, you have to first find an agent who falls in love with the book and has an immediate idea of how to sell it, and then have them find an editor who also falls in love with it and knows they and their marketing team can market it well.

Good writing makes a good book, but it’s the marketing which sells the book. If you don’t have a way to market your book in the current market, it’s not likely anyone else will.

What I would have done differently.

The top three things I would have changed if I had known what I know now.

1. Wrote the query letter earlier.

Writing the query letter as I wrote the manuscript would’ve helped me reformat the structure of the story up front. It would also have eliminated the desperate rewrites I did to both the query and the manuscript in an attempt to produce something concise enough to actually sell.

2. Followed agents well in advance.

There are tons of agents on twitter who routinely post tips, talk about what they want to see in future books, and boost resent publishing deals. Keeping tabs on them is incredibly helpful when it comes to figuring out where your manuscript fits in the current market and whether/how you should be querying it.

3. Let my baby go in favor of a new, shorter standalone.

A standalone within the word count guidelines might have persuaded undecided agents to take a chance on reading more, but the important thing here is that I should not have tried to query the work I’d put my soul into.

My mental health is more important than making my baby a best seller, firstly because there’s more to my life than just writing, and secondly because there are other great books left in my soul, and without stable mental health, I won’t be able to write and query them.

So, what am I doing now?

I’m writing a book with a strong contemporary I know agents are interested in, but with enough of a spin that it’ll feel fresh.

I’ve structured the story so that the opening engulfs the reader with the conflicts and world building that’ll be important throughout the whole story and the inciting event happens immediately.

I wrote the blurb after only having written 20k words on the rough draft, and the blurb both contains all the necessary plot threads I need to describe the compelling heart of the story and reads as a unique and engaging manuscript.

I’m writing a standalone novel with series potential that fits perfectly within the genre’s word count guidelines.

I’m writing something that’s fresh for me and I’m madly in love with, but not dependent on. It’s a puppy I want to lather with attention, not a disappointing spouse I’ve been married to for eight years and now half loath but also can’t live without.

Annnd that is all the things I have to say! If you learned something here maybe support me by buying my fun, cheap indie book? It has sirens and a soft freckly pirate and lots of diversity, and comes in both ebook and paperback. Click here for links and things.

#writeblr #querying #mental health #writing help #writing advice #writing resources #writers on writing #creative writing #writers on tumblr #authors on tumblr #writing tag: publishing

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whyamistillonnetflix · 4 years ago

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In our Monster homebrew campaign, we taught the DM a valuable lesson in challenge ratings. We have a decent sized party, there are 6 of us, all at level 6, and over all a well balanced party.

First, let's introduce the party.

Hal Bared, an enchanted suit of armor Eldritch Fighter.

Judas, the Triton War Cleric.

Zowabashi, the gorilla-folk Kensei Monk.

Favo, the Jackle-folk Bard. (I can't remember if she is College of Sword or Glamor)

Pete, the spider Necromancy Wizard. (He is a giant jumping spider that suddenly became hyper intelligent when another wizard's spell went wrong)

And finally, Morwen, the Changeling Circle of the Eclipse Druid.

As you can see, a ton of homebrew. There is also technomancy in this game. Our BBEG and his minions have Technomancy. So, working for our non-lich boss (he is totally a lich, though the DM says he's something different) we are trying to figure out why this human King (probably BBEG) has technomancy and figure out how to stop him without mass slaughter, which is a little difficult since we are all technically monsters.

Anyways, we knew a small army (12 mercs) were coming to our new base, so Z spent his prep time building traps leading up to the door. Pete, being the puppet master he is, raised the dead of two recently killed mercs as zombies to help us fight. (8 good guys now) and then Morwen cast Conjure Animals, 2 cr 1 creatures. Now part of her Eclipse homebrew is that she can shift into Monstrosities or Beasts and can summon/talk to Monstrosities or Beasts, slightly altering spells to fit the homebrew. Still following all the other rules of the class and spell. DM picked 2 Death Dogs. Morwen then shifted into an additional Death Dog, and the pack slipped into the forest. (10 good guys)

Now, when the army arrived, Judas decided to try talking to them (as always). Morwen took advantage of this and tried to stealth around to flank the army. It probably would have worked, but Judas, ever the flirt, pissed off rocket-fist-girl. She almost kicked his ass. But that initiated combat. So while Judas, Pete, Hal, Favo, Z, and the two zombies, attacked RFG, that left Morwen and her two Death Dogs to start ripping and tearing through the other 11 men.

Now, none of the enemies had an AC below 15, which was probably smart, because DM rolling crits for the Death Dogs, and Morwen rolling high for her attacks was shredding through the 11 people. RFG was kicking everyone else's ass though and in a suicide move, nearly killed Pete. By that time though the Death Dog Pack had killed 8 of the other bad guys, and knocked one unconscious. The remaining 2 bad guys turned to flee, and Morwen shifted back into her normal self, cast Moonbeam, and vaporized the remaining 2 because of crit fails on the DM's side.

Now, DM was happy that we were well prepared, but he was kicking himself a bit since he had planned on fighting 6, not 10. And his dice just didn't like him much last night. But, lessons learned, and now we are slightly worried about future encounters.

#dungeons and dragons #d&d #d&d homebrew #homebrew campaign #we are the monster menagerie

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alistircrat · 4 years ago

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Hetalila Fanfiction Recs

Here’s a list of some of my favorite Hetalia fanfictions. Most have pairings, which I’ll specify. I put this up because I know I’m always on the lookout for good fanfiction and I wanted to help out anyone else who’s in the same boat :D Feel free to add onto this or rec me some too ;) Also a good master list of the ones I like LMAO. I’ve noticed I either like tragic, angsty fanfiction or really fluffy ones. A lot are rated M. And a LOT of USUK and Spamano #srynotsry Disclaimer: I did not write any of these; they all belong to their respective authors.

Update: Ive had this sitting in my drafts for like over 4 years and i began it when i was super into hetalia n fanfiction LMAO, what better time to post this when i should be studying lmao its nearly 4 am halp

UsUK

The Secret : Rated T, 32k words, 5 chapters, Drama/Romance, Complete Arthur's sister, engaged to prince Alfred, is killed before she even meets him. Arthur's parents do not want to shame themselves by ending the engagement and force Arthur to dress like his sister and marry Alfred instead. But can this secret be kept? (note: very interesting!! I loved every second of it)

The Courting of Alfred Jones : Rated M, 26k words, 13 chapters, Romance/Hurt/Comfort, Incomplete Alfred Jones is the most popular guy in school and also extremely homophobic. This is why Arthur is his new favourite 'victim', but Arthur has no intentions of grovelling in the dust for him. Punk!ArthurxJock!Alfred (note: Rated M, so there IS some explicit material and I advise viewer discretion. Another highschool AU. Sad that it’s probably not going to finish but it’s worth the read)

When I Only Wanted to Save the World : Rated M, 29k words, 11 chapter, Romance, Complete Alfred is a firefighter in New York City. When he gets badly injured, he takes a trip to London to recover. There he meets a man named Arthur, who ends up helping him recover from wounds he didn't even know he had. (note: warmed my weeb heart)

United Again : Rated T, 31k words, 7 chapters, Humor/Romance, Complete Arthur gets a letter in the mail informing him of his school's ten year reunion.

Unexpected : Rated T, 5.7k words, One-shot, Humor/Drama, Complete World Academy. When Arthur was asked to tutor the star of the American Football team, he expected several things. Sitting in an apartment full of Asian children was not one of them. (cute!)

The Invitational Year : Rated M, 208k words, 41 chapters, Romance/Drama, Complete Alfred is an awkward dork, despite the fact his dad is President. Arthur is a member of British royalty, and he's a perfectionist loner. Both boys are given an invitation to attend the prestigious World Academy and, naturally, they're roomies. (note: A favorite of mine! Quite long but very much worth it. Highschool AU. Can be silly yet dramatic. Anyways, you should read it! Viewer discretion due to sexual themes)

The Sophomore Year : Rated M, 173k words, 34 chapter, Romance/Drama, Complete After meeting at boarding school, Alfred and Arthur became unlikely friends and then lovers. Now, they'll face their sophomore year in America and all the challenges that come with being young, famous, and madly in love. (note: sequal to The Invitational Year)

And All That Jazz : Rated M, 98k words, 22 chapters, Romance, Complete Alfred is approached by the Student Body President, Arthur, for help on his math exam. They hate each other, but maybe opposites can attract with the help of something unexpected. (note: I love this fic. Highschool AU. Also involves music...cuz liek yknow the title)

1912 : Rated T, 52k words, 9 chapters, Romance/Drama, Complete Cynical, overweight and bored in the dull twilight of his empire, Arthur finds distraction in the form of rekindling his relationship with Alfred on board the RMS Titanic during her doomed maiden voyage.

The Arrow was Shot : Rated K+, 5.8k words, One-shot, Romance, Complete In order to win his family's respect, Arthur enters a tournament to win the Princess of America's hand in marriage. At the tournament, he befriends the mysterious Alfred- a fellow competitor who is equally determined to win. As he and Alfred grow closer, he begins to question what is more important to him: his family's respect... or Alfred.

Flirting with Failure : Rated T, 2k words, One-shot, Romance/Humor, Complete Alfred just wanted to get one date with Arthur Kirkland before the semester ended. To do that he had to speak with him. Thus, he was set up for failure.

Hero Frequency : Rated T, 12k words, 3 chapters, Romance/Humor, Incomplete America's got the coolest and most awesome band in school, and he's totally going to win the Battle of the Bands contest. Or at least he might, if he can get England to put aside their past issues long enough to play guitar...

The Gentleman and the Hero : Rated T, 57k words, 21 chapters, Romance, Complete World Academy students have been paired up for an anonymous email exchange program, so they can talk to someone about school and personal problems in private. These are the emails of two students nicknamed 'The Gentleman' and 'The Hero'. (note: I also love this. I find it very cute and also very in character. I want an email buddy lol. Highschool AU)

Breathless : Rated T, 35k words, 4 chapters, Angst/Hurt/Comfort, Complete Arthur Kirkland never thought that golden boy Alfred Jones would ever have a reason to attempt suicide. Then again, how much did he really know about the oh so popular blonde? The rumor mill would surely chew him up and spit him out. (note: p sure this is another favorite of mine. Though angsty, I really enjoyed the development between the two. Highschool AU. Really great read!!)

Static : Rated T, 45k words, 9 chapters, Drama/Romance, Incomplete Sequel to Breathless. Arthur always thought that the incident with Alfred's arms would forever be the biggest hurdle their friendship would face. But as the looks change and the touches linger, it becomes frightfully clear that he was dead wrong about that. (note: continues after Breathless, but not finished ): worth the read anyway)

Ask Me Anything : Rated T, 7k words, One-shot, Romance/Humor, Complete Alfred starts to follow Arthur on tumblr. It's not long until they become friends... and possibly more.

The Cost of Affection : Rated M, 61k words, 32 chapters, Angst/Romance, Incomplete Being a whore is easy: all Arthur has to do is spread his legs and take the money. He doesn't have to face his past; nor does he have to deal with love. And for good reason - because when he does fall head-over-heels for someone, he's forced to realize that his sins go beyond prostitution, and that even as he rediscovers himself, his past is coming back to haunt him after all.

You Can’t Take the Sky Away From Me : Rated T, 113k words, 32 chapters, Adventure/Romance, Incomplete Ace pilot America is on a mission for the World Military when a chance encounter with a group of sky-pirates leads him to team up with their captain, England, against a malevolent group that wants to fill the sky with zeppelins. (note: Steampunk AU. This is a really cool fic!)

We’ll Meet Again : Rated M, 43k words, 13 chapters, Romance/Angst, Complete WW2 AU. London pub owner Arthur Kirkland is driven to distraction by loud, brash American fighter pilot Alfred Jones. Unable to stop it, Arthur finds himself falling for Alfred's charms... just as the pilot is preparing to leave for war. (note: a hetalia fandom clASSIC. MUST READ. unfortunately the OG fics were deleted so someone reposted it, giving credit to the OG author George deValier. this will rip ur heart out n tape it poorly back together)

Franada

La Patisserie de La Rose : Rated M, 35k words, 6 chapters, Romance, Complete Accountant Matthew Williams is used to being unnoticed, ignored, and forgotten. That is until pastry chef Francis Bonnefoy appears like a burst of colour in his dull, grey life.

AmeViet (yes, Vietnam!)

Hard to Get : Rated T, 57k words, 20 chapters, Adventure/Romance, Complete During World War Two, serious, limited Vietnam meets the boisterous America. Amid fighting, friendship, and stress, America tries to get Vietnam to like him, but she won't let that happen. Or will she? (note: One of my all-time favorites, unforgettable. I can never find fics of this pairing, it’s so hard! But this is a really great fic, highly recommend. also after learning more about Vietnam history, i might give this yet ANOTHER re-read with my new perspectives)

Of Broken Promises and the Taste of Freedom : Rated T, 1.4k words, One-shot, Hurt/Comfort/Romance, Complete Vaguely, Vietnam wondered if this was what freedom tasted like. If perhaps, the hot waves that crashed through her body and set her skin on fire was what it was like to know that you are truly free.

GerIta (apologies, I don’t read too much GerIta LOL)

Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart : Rated M, 104k words, 18 chapters, Romance/Angst, Complete WW2 AU. Feliciano Vargas is a passionate, if slightly scared, Italian resistance member. Falling in love with a German fighter pilot was the last thing he expected... and it will test his national loyalty, and his heart, to their limits. (note: another VeraVerse, so well written! you will not ragret. also a repost since Og was deleted, all credit to George deValier)

RusAme

Dear Diary : Rated T, 55k words, 17 chapters, Humor/Romance, Complete Alfred F. Jones isn't gay. Just read his diary; you'll see. (note: I absolutely love high school or college AUs, omg. Also this is hilarious. I can really relate to how Alfred's rambling)

PruHun

The Most Awesome Date Plan Ever : Rated T, 7.5k words, 6 chapters, Romance/Humor, Complete It was foolproof. He had worked out every plan, every detail and each possible outcome almost guaranteed him Elizaveta's love. Until it was ruined by Gilbert's two cockblocking best friends. (note: funny and cute)

Táncol? : Rated K+, 24k words, 6 chapters, Humor/Romance, Complete Elizaveta is determined to find out who Gilbert wants to ask out for the school dance. If that means bullying his friends, being hired by Gilbert to slave over a cake, and invading his diaries, so be it. (note: Another favorite! Very cute)

Hello Hurricane : Rated T, 61k words, 18 chapters, Hurt/Comfort/Tragedy, Complete Sequel to "Táncol?" Elizaveta, Ludwig, Francis, and Antonio are forced to watch Gilbert slowly fade away every day. (note: It might seem like I have lots of favorites, cuz I do and this is one of them. Warning, I cried a lot towards the end. Highly recommend)

PruCan

That Song Called Love : Rated T, 62k words, 25 chapters, Romance/Drama, Complete Matthew had always resigned himself to a fate of musical obscurity on a supporting instrument, but after meeting an ex-delinquent named Gilbert, he just might learn to take the lead. (note: contains other minor pairings. Although she doesn’t play a huge role I’m so happy Vietnam is in it Dx)

Operation Not to Hot : Rated T, 10k words, 2 chapters, Romance/Humor, Complete Gilbert Beilschmidt is dorky, nerdy, and has serious confidence issues. He doesn't really care about himself until he sees Matthew Williams, AKA super-hot-hockey-jock. With Matthew's heart in mind, Gilbert undergoes a complete transformation. (note: funny story. Prussia being Prussia)

Overdue : Rated T, 12k words, 8 chapters, Romance/Supernatural, Complete "Well, Gott, Mattie, at least look someone in the eye when you tell them you're a ghost. Make a good impression!" (note: cute lil one-shot series)

I Have all Summer to Fall For You : Rated T, 162k words, 38 chapters, Incomplete At school, Gilbert makes fun of Matthew, and Matthew just wants to be left alone. But then when the hot days of summer roll around, and they have nothing but free time, things happen that NO ONE could have planned for! (note: MY ALL-TIME FAV PRUCAN FiC Ever. Probably will never finish but the length and quality make up for it)

PruAus

Please Don’t Read the Verdict : Rated M, 57k words, 11 chapters, Romance/Crime, Incomplete District Attorney Roderich Edelstein is faced with a gruesome, controversial murder. He has three months to build a case against the accused, but more than his will to prosecute may be destroyed in the process. (note: sadly not done, but highly interesting!)

Lily of the Lamplight : Rated M, 27k words, 4 chapters, Romance/Angst, Incomplete WW2 AU. Austrian musician Roderich and German soldier Gilbert are forced into an army prison unit and a fight for survival on the Russian Front. But in the midst of blood and death and hell on earth, how long can they fight their desire for each other? (note: MY 👏 FAV 👏 VERAVERSE 👏 I loveeee this fic, I’m so SAD it’s nEvEr going to be completed. Savor those 4 chapters. Luckily theyre long *cries* Also love the set of main characters, including Prussia, Austria, Berwald, and Poland. Also listen to the song the title is based off of, i luv it too)

SuFin

Cheers to a New Life : Rated M, 94k words, 47 chapters, Romance/Family, Complete Sweden could only find a job as a Kindergarten teacher and the famous Kirkland's little Peter happens to be enrolled into his class. But it is not Mr. Arthur Kirkland who is picking Peter up, it's this angel with the greatest ass Berwald's ever seen. (note: viewer discretion, mostly on later chapters. also has cute lil Peter/Sealand)

My Heart, In Segments : Rated T, 14k words, 10 chapters, Family/Hurt/Comfort, Complete Berwald is a man left alone, and Peter was a kid left behind. Berwald's not really the perfect dad, Peter's not really innocent anymore, and Tino's not really sure he's ready for something so real. But, maybe... Maybe it's time.

In Want of a Wife : Rated T, 41k words, 18 chapters, Romance/Humor, Incomplete Berwald's life is turned upside down when he is accepted into Hetalia International University, and everything changes for the better when he catches a glimpse of his future wife who lives down the hall. Who cares if Tino doesn't accept it yet? (note: Human AU; Lietpol is a bonus in all this hehe)

Treatment : Rated T, 55k words, 12 chapters, Romance/Humor, Incomplete Tino is a young psychology major, well known for being kind and eager to help others with their issues, but less so for his habit of profiling "patients" on campus. His therapist's eye has fixed on Berwald, but will he be the one who ends up on the couch? (note: Though not fully done, it’s one of my favorite sufin fics. Also hilarious bahah)

Catch Perfect : Rated T, 35k words, 8 chapters, Romance/Friendship, Incomplete When Berwald loses everything he is forced to move into a share house with an insane Dane, a sociopathic Norwegian, an unfathomable Icelander and a perfect Finn who makes it all worth putting up with. (note: can be crazy and random, which is probs why I liked it so much. also by George deValier I believe, reposted onto wattpad after it got deleted)

DenNor

Hummingbird : Rated T, 61k words, 12 chapters, Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort, Complete Lukas' only goal in life was to take care of his younger brother, until he was diagnosed with an irregular heart rhythm. His originally peaceful stay in hospital was interrupted when the loud, cheerful Mathias was moved into the bed beside him and refused to leave him alone; yet as his health began to deteriorate, the Dane decided to fall in love with him. (note: I love this fic so much, it’s also another favorite of mine. Very cute but with lots of angst, ahhh just what I ordered)

Secret Crowds : Rated M, 3.4k words, One-shot, Hurt/Comfort/Romance, Complete An explosion leaves Denmark with a permanent brain injury and Norway struggles to find his role in their relationship as the line between lover and caregiver begins to blur. (sad and touching)

I also read a lot of DenNor so im like ?? where the fics at LOL. but i think i read more DenNor doujinshis, so that’s def something yall should look into

Spamano

A Beautiful Story : Rated T, 16k words, 10 chapters, Tragedy/Romance, Complete Lovino Romano Vargas is a suicidal designer who is unhappy with his fate. One day, he chances to meet Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, who turns his life upside down.

Flashlight : Rated T, 38k words, 11 chapters, Parody/Romance, Complete "If I throw a tomato at you, vampire bastard, will you still sparkle under the sauce?" (note: OKAY SO This is actually a Twilight parody w Romano as Bella and Spain as Edward. I don’t really like Twilight but I really like this version of it lmao. Funny and a good read. Mostly Romano’s POV, cRACK )

New Batteries : Rated T, 41k words, 10 chapters, Humor/Romance, Complete Sequel to Flashlight. "WELL, I NEVER LIKED YOU, EITHER. WHAT NOW, YOU STUPID SPARKLY EXCUSE OF A VAMPIRE?" (note: also a parody, just the sequel to the previous one listed. I understand the Twilight plot through these better than the original)

Kismet : Rated M, 174k words, 52 chapters, Romance/Fantasy, Complete Lovino learns the hard way that things change and that they can change quickly. The necklace fell and now he's in a strange land far from home. Will he ever see his brother again? Will he find his way home? Or will he discover home is where the heart is? Fate is a strange woman and can work in mysterious ways. (note: RATED M, viewer discretion. the author has a list of warnings on the first chapter you can look at so you know what you’re reading. Fantasy AU)

Catch You, Catch Me : Rated M, (basically)37k words, 7 chapters, Drama/Romance, Complete Clumsy, clueless detective Romano is on the trail of the infamous handsome and charming thief El Apasionado Caballero. But there's more to this, what seems like a simple game of cat and mouse, than meets the eye.

The Bet : Rated T, 20k words, 9 chapters, Romance/Humor, Complete When someone kisses you, and then moves away you'd think that would be it. But when Antonio comes back from Spain he wants Lovino to be his again. Except Lovino now hates Antonio...which sucks for Lovino because Antonio isn't going to let go that easily.

Zero Tolerance : Rated M, 55k words, 24 chapters, Romance/Drama, Complete Lovino lives a perfect life. Or atleast thats how he is suppose to appear. Antonio lives a life as a dangerous gangbanger. North Side meets South Side as these two are partnered in their Chemistry class. But there is one chemical reaction these 2 arent prepared for- Love. (highschool AU)

Breathless in the Atmosphere : Rated T, 31k words, 3 chapters, Hurt/Comfort/Romance, Complete Antonio only needed money for marble. He needed to make his art. And a chance encounter on the subway offers him a job as a male escort. It was just for the money. He could stop anytime he wanted to. Really. (note: viewer discretion advised. contains prostitution and suicidal ideation)

Before the Snow Falls : Rated T, 19k words, 2 chapters, Romance/Drama, Complete Lovino, jersey number nine, right winger. He was ready to pass the ball, ready to set up the win, but Antonio, opposite team, center fielder, was ready too. Someone thought, and someone didn't, and they crashed. Hard. A few months later, Lovino's on crutches, Antonio has scholarships, and they have to deal with the aftermath of what happened.

Door to Door : Rated T, 3.5k words, One-shot, Humor/Romance, Complete Do not open the door. It could be a zombie, an unwanted boyfriend of your brother's, or a persistant salesman by the name Antonio Carriedo.

Numbered Lithograph : Rated M, 133k words, 29 chapters, Drama/Romance, Complete When Lovino starts attending art school with his brother he finds his most important lesson doesn't come from his professors, but from a culinary student at a sister school: sometimes the flaws hold the beauty. (note: Probably my favorite spamano fic. Very touching. Has fluff and angst)

Bésame Mucho : Rated M, 48k words, 6 chapter, Angst/Romance, Incomplete WW2 AU. Lovino Vargas only ever wanted something exciting to happen in his boring, everyday Italian village existence. He never expected war, Resistance, love, passion, treason, or a cheerful, confusing, irritatingly attractive Spanish freedom fighter. (note: ANOTHER 👏 ONE 👏OF👏MY👏FAVS👏 BUT SAD BC ITLL NEVER FINISH HDUEOFREGH. Also by George DeValier and reuploaded onto wattpad (originally on ff.net)! I’m in love with the writing. Incomplete but sooo worth the read.)

Bad Touch Trio (may or may not contain pairings/slight pairings)

Oh No, We’re Hot : Rated T, 1.4k words, One-shot, Friendship/Humor, Complete In which, after a summer apart, the Bad Touch Trio realizes that they have become really attractive. Really slight hinted Spamano. (note: I absolutely love the BTT, this is a cute short fic about them)

The Trap : Rated T, 4.7k words, One-shot, Friendship/Humor, Complete The prompt was Prussia and Spain meeting France for the first time, thinking he's a girl, kiddy-courting him, then finding out he's a boy, but still kiddy-courting him. Exactly as wacky as it sounds. (note: another cute story about the BTT and their rad friendship! I need this in my life)

Multiple Pairings

Playing Cupid : Rated T, 24k words, 15 chapters, Romance/Humor, Complete In Everett High School there is a secret club called the yaoi club. It is their job, during Sadies, to set up couples. This year Elizabeta has an ambitious plan. She is going to find a date for the infamous Lovino Vargas. Her choice is Antonio, unfortunately half the girls want to ask him too. Will she and her friends succeed? Spamano, UsUk, Prucan, GerIta, others (note: very cute highschool AU! highly recommend! also contains many of the hetalia girls, which is amazing~)

No Pairings

Bad Pasta : Rated T, 13k words, 6 chapter, Mystery/Tragedy, Complete Kiku and Arthur trade rooms. (note: Author also made a game based on this posted on deviantart: Bad Pasta game. I really liked it, especially since I’m into hetalia fangames and whatnot. warning, contains death of characters)

Fun with Former Vikings : Rated K+, 63k words, 17 chapters, Friendship/Family, Complete Brothers that are too awkward to even stand next to each other, husband and 'wife,' and that one guy that drinks a lot. The Nordics couldn't be any more different. And neither could the situations they get themselves into. (note: I love love love the Nordics. This is also probably one of my all-time favs. I love them as bros Dx)

God Only Threw the Humans out of Paradise : Rated K+, 4.5k words, One-shot, Friendship, Complete 12 years is nothing in the life of a Nation. But to a puppy, it's a lifetime. This is a look at 12 years of England's life through the eyes of man's best friend.

Gutters : Rated M, 98k words, 20 chapters, Adventure/Drama, Complete 'The Calamity' has left the world stripped and dying. Alone in a civilian bunker in Munich, Sealand will be reunited with the last known living member of his surrogate family and together, they will set out across Europe to find those they have lost. (note: It’s an adventure story starring Sealand and Denmark. Can be really intense and eMOTIONAL i cried like a bitch, highly recommend. Probably one of my 👏 favorite👏 fics of all time)

Ditches : Rated M, 2.4k words, 2 chapters, Drama/Family, Incomplete Prequel to Gutters. In the days leading up to The Calamity, the world braces and families struggle not to be torn apart.

Breathe Me : Rated T, 66k words, 21 chapters, Angst/Hurt/Comfort, Complete "God I'm so fat." "No, Alfred. You're not. You're –" "Stop it! I am and you know it! The whole world knows! Just stop okay?" Trigger Warning, Human AU, and F.A.C.E. Family. (note: very important TRIGGER WARNING due to mention of eating disorders, verbal abuse, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts.)

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midnightartemis · 4 years ago

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Chapters: 30/? Fandom: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy Rating: Explicit Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Finn/Rose Tico, Poe Dameron/Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren Characters: Rey (Star Wars), Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Ben Solo, Finn (Star Wars), Poe Dameron, Rose Tico, Leia Organa, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, Maz Kanata, Larma D'Acy, Amilyn Holdo, Snoke (Star Wars), Boba Fett, Bossk (Star Wars), Armitage Hux, Chewbacca (Star Wars) Additional Tags: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Abuse, Drug Use, Suicide Attempt, Star-crossed, Dreams, Alternate Universe - High School, High School, School Dances, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Foster Care, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Near Death Experiences, Multiverse, Reincarnation, Attempted Sexual Assault, Assault, Graphic Description, Teenage Drama, Horny Teenagers, Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Past Drug Use, Drug Dealing

Chapter Two

The first day, a new school. I take a deep breath. It wasn’t my first new school, but I hoped it would be the last. It was a lot to process- Maz, Holdo. Every one of my instincts told me it was too good to be, but I trusted Holdo, and if Maz raised Holdo, I could trust her too. She was right. This was different.

I wake up early, wanting to make a good impression. I brush my teeth and shower and- Is that a razor? It takes a lot longer, but I eventually make it through my leg and armpit hair and jump out of the shower. The closet- My closet is filled with clothes of every shape and size and style and I wonder just how many girls Maz has fostered over the years.

I fish through the clothes until I find a soft dandelion yellow overall style dress and pair it with a white, faux turtleneck shirt made of incredibly stretchy, soft material. There’s a pile of shoes under the clothes, but I decide to stick with my ratty, old white converse… Well, they used to be white. I grab my bag and head downstairs, vibrating with excitement and nervousness. Maz is sitting on the back deck nursing a coffee and overlooking her garden. She’s still in purple and pink pajamas and looks up in surprise when I walk out the door. “You’re up early. Sleep well, kid?”

I nod and stare hungrily at the platter of eggs and bacon. “Yes, thank you.”

Maz notices my hunger. “Well, don’t just stand there, they’re there for you, too. Dig in.”

I quickly sit and fill my plate.

“Do you drink coffee?” I nod and she stands, fetching another cup for me. “Cream? Sugar?”

“Just plain black, please.”

“Ah, you’re one of the good ones I can tell.” Maz chuckles and I giggle, accepting the coffee from her. It smells amazing.

“How many girls have you fostered?”

Maz sits back, a pleasant speculative look in her eye. “Oh… I lose track sometimes. I’ll have to pull out the scrapbook, but I think at least twenty over the years. There was a period of time where I fostered siblings, but now I just take only children. Two people are more than enough for this house. I’ve adopted five of them.”

“Five!?” I nearly choke on my eggs.

“Yes, Amilyn is the only one I see regularly since she’s so close, they’re all spread out all over the world, but most of them call or text or send letters a lot.”

“And it’s just you? No one else?”

“Nope, no one else. I’ve had my fair share of romances,” she winks. “But I do best on my own. I prefer it, with you all for the good company of course.”

“Why do you do it?”

“Well, I know what it feels like. I was in the system once, too. Long, long before your time. I got taken in when I was sixteen by my adoptive parents. And when they died, I decided to carry on that legacy. Help others how they helped me.”

“That sounds very noble.”

Maz snorts. “Hardly. I’m a senile old woman who just wants a little company. It’s for all those-how do you kids say it- juicy government checks.” There’s a twinkle in her eye as she jokes. She takes a glance at the watch on her wrist. “Finish up, wash up. I’ll put on my grandma’s pants and we’ll get you off to school. They’ll want me to sign a bunch of stuff and I gotta get to the bar to deal with their usual incompetencies. Did she mention the bar?”

I nod through my last bite of eggs.

“You’ll never have to go there if you don’t want to, but you’re more than welcome to come by after school. Also, you should send me your number. I don’t want a minute by minute notice of where you are, but you are my responsibility, so I would like to know your general locations and plans. Fair?”

I nod. “Fair.”

There weren't a lot of places I planned on going to. I didn’t know anyone here. Though… I wouldn’t say no to exploring the downtown area.

Maz left to change and I finished my breakfast and cleaned my dishes. I searched through the cupboards until I found a set of glass Tupperware and placed the leftover eggs and bacon inside. I waited patiently on the couch, twiddling my thumbs and trying to not think about things so much. The first day of classes always made me anxious, and now my life has completely turned around in the last twenty-four hours. Maz appeared at the bottom of the stairs and I tried and failed to not smile at her “grandma pants”. For one thing, they were bright purple and covered in embroidery, and, for another, they were paired with an equally bright pink and blue top. Everything screamed hippy grandma. She grabbed a set of keys from a hook on the wall. “Alright, kid, got everything?”

I nod and follow her out the car to her small garage where there is, of course, an original bright yellow Volkswagen bug. Who is this lady and where has she been my entire life? I climb in the passenger seat and we take off down the road to the school.

My stomach does a flip at the sight of the school. There are a few cars in the parking lot, but we’re still half an hour early. Maz parks and we walk through the doors of New Republic High together. The entrance lobby is huge, surrounded by windows and filled with light from a round skylight in the ceiling. The floor is white tile and in the center of the lobby floor, there is a huge mosaic crest of a Falcon clutching a sword. A red banner flies below it inscribed with Latin: In absentia lucis, Tenebrae vincunt.

“It means ‘In the absence of light, darkness prevails.’”

I jump at the voice and look up to see a bubbly girl with jet black hair and a cute face smiling at me. “Uh… Okay.”

“You must be Rey, I’m Rose and I get to be your student ambassador. I also help out in the office and I saw you were starting today, so I thought I would meet you at the door.” Rose sticks her hand out and I shake it. “Hi, Miss Kanata.”

“Rose…” Maz raises her eyebrows.

“Sorry. Miss Maz.” Rose’s smile doesn’t falter. “It’s the school’s motto. It’s supposed to inspire us to ‘be the good in the world’ or something.” She waves her hand through the air, brushing past the meaning. “Principal Organa is ready for you if you. She’s excited to meet you.”

Rose practically skips away and we follow her, ascending the stairs to an open door that leads to a reception area. Rose walks through the reception center and to an open door near the back. We follow her through and I find myself in a spacious office. Everything is wood and lavender, warm and inviting. Sitting at the desk is an older woman with greying hair, perfectly styled in a braided bun. She’s wearing a tailored blue dress and silver cat eyeglasses on the bridge of her nose. She takes her glasses off as we enter and stands with a smile. “Rey Niima?”

I nod and shake her hand.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you. I am Principal Leia Organa. And good to see you again, Maz.” Principal Organa’s smile is warm, inviting. Still, I wouldn’t want to get on her bad side. “Rose, thank you. Would you please get Maz the right paperwork and I’ll talk with Rey?”

My stomach flips with nerves again. Principal Organa gestures to the chairs in front of her desk and I sit as Rose and Maz leave. Organa puts on her glasses once more and moves to her computer. “Just a moment, let me pull up your file.”

I sit up straight, on edge as I look around the room. There are bookshelves filled with books and art. An orchid blooms on a windowsill, and I think that the window overlooks a courtyard.

“Here you are. Very impressive Rey. It says that you finished up Trigonometry and English Two, a history class, a social studies class, Earth Science, and computer programming. No language courses?”

“They didn’t exactly offer any,” I say, nervous. “I know a little bit of Spanish. One of my foster families lived in the Hispanic neighborhood of Jakku.”

“Would you like to take a placement test in Spanish?”

I shake my head. “I only know how to say a few things, not read or write.”

“We require three years of language to graduate.” She peers at me over her glasses and I sink in my seat. She turns her gaze back to her computer and clicks a few things. “We will just have to get you all caught up. You can either take an extra summer course or have two blocks of language, it’s up to you.”

“Uh…” I’m completely out of my depth. I’m not even sure if I’ll still be here in the summer, much less what a block is. “What’s a block?”

Principal Organa’s eyes soften. “We run New Republic more like a college than a high school so that you’re prepared when you go to college. It builds responsibility and trust. So, you’ll have some classes that you only have Monday, Wednesday, Friday, or Tuesday, Thursday. Blocks are forty-five minutes. Some of your classes may only take up one block, some two or three.”

College. I shake my head. It was a dream. “Okay. Um… I guess I’ll do two blocks of language.”

“We offer French, Spanish, Russian, and Latin.”

“Latin.” Might as well. Organa smiles.

“So, I’ll mark you down for the junior year history class- Current World Events and most juniors take Psychology unless you’d rather take Religion?” She glances at me and I shake my head. “And, P.E. That’s the basics, the rest have a little wriggle room for what you want to do here. So, tell me about yourself. What are you interested in? What are your plans for post-graduation?”

“Uh… I have no idea what I’m going to do after graduation. I like science and math… Figuring out how things work.”

“Taking things apart and putting them back together?” She asks.

I nod. “It used to get me in a lot of trouble.”

“A little bit of trouble never hurt anyone.” Principal Organa winks. “I want you to meet with our Guidance Counselor. There’s a lot of avenues for girls like you who want to go into STEM fields. For now, since your math and science grades are so high, I’m going to place you in… Pre-Calculus, Physics, and… Small engines.”

I wrinkle my eyebrows. “Small engines?”

“It’s more fun than you think. I’m no good at it, but my husband is, and I think you’ll like him.”

She barely knows me, but okay. “Okay.”

“And last, but not least, I like everyone to take at least one art class. There’s painting, drawing, photography, band, orchestra, choir, sculpture, woodworking… Are any of these peeking your interest?”

“Drawing, I guess.” I had taken a drawing class before. I wasn’t the best at it, but I wasn’t horrible either.

“Okay.” Principal Organa hit a few more buttons. I heard a printer whirl beneath her and she bent down to grab a piece of paper.

“This is your schedule,” she grabbed another sheet of paper as well and handed both to me. “And the second one is a list of all the groups and activities on campus as well as a list of emails for staff and phone numbers for any services you may or may not need during your time here. And my door is always open, Miss Niima. I’m happy to have you here. Rose will handle you from here and show you around to all of your classes.”

I walk out of Principal Organa’s office to find Maz and Rose crackling at the counter. Rose wipes away tears from her eyes and Maz grabs her bag from the counter at the sight of me. “Looks like they got you all ready to go, hun. I’ll pick you up at four unless you let me know differently. You have my number, and Rose will take good care of you.”

I’m a little sad to watch her go. And excited. And nervous. And still trying to process everything. Rose seems nice enough. I usually didn’t get a guide on the first day. Jakku’s schools were more of the ‘fend for yourself’ type. Rose waves good-bye to Maz and turns to me. “You get your schedule?”

“Yeah.” I hand the paper to her and she looks it over, growing more and more excited. “What is it?”

“Lucky for you, we have a lot of the same classes. Both STEM girls.” Rose winks and I blush uncomfortably. “Ugh, I loved small engines. Mr. Solo is so cool.”

“Is that Principal Organa’s husband?”

“Yup!” Rose bounces from around the counter. “Come on. I’ll give you a tour and show you your locker. The assembly doesn’t start for another half-hour.”

I follow her closely out into the halls and it’s completely different from earlier. I can hardly see the school seal there’s so many people rushing back and forth, talking, laughing, hugging. Rose takes my hand and before I know it I’m dragged into the chaos.

“So, you already saw the seal. We’re the Millenium Falcons, established in 1960 by the Skywalker family, of which Principal Organa is descended from. It’s a long history with a lot of drama. This is the freshman wing,” Rose pointed down a long hallway and then to the mirroring one. “And the Sophomore wing. Basically, the founder got killed by her husband and nearly got killed himself, even though he really really loved her and she was pregnant. It’s kinda sad actually. No one really knows the full story.”

Rose pushed through glass double doors and we walked into a courtyard. The sidewalk divided the green into quarters. Every inch of the courtyard was maintained and perfectly landscaped. There was even a fountain in the center. Rose gestured to the wall of the building on her right. “That side houses the gymnasium. There’s a swimming pool and a rock wall and a weight room. Oh, you’ll need to bring tennis shoes for that and stuff to shower with, but they provide a shirt and shorts. The other side,” Rose nodded to the left side of the square courtyard. “That’s where the lunchroom and the art rooms are.”

I follow Rose straight across the courtyard, trying to take it all in. It was so massive, so grand compared to everything I had never known. A pool? Really? I hope they don’t make people swim… I push the thought away. I’ll burn that bridge when I get there. Just survive the first day. We walk through an identical pair of double doors and we’re in the back of the square. It looks almost identical to the front of the building. I can see a parking lot through the windows and rolling forests beyond that. The seal is there again, and it’s crowded with students rushing around.

“Finn! Poe!” Rose dropped my hand and raced towards two guys in varsity jackets. The tall, dark one caught her and swung her into a deep kiss. They broke apart laughing and Rose gave the other a quick hug. His hair was dark and curly, a smirk on his lips. It wasn’t hard to miss the class clown. Rose waved me over. “Rey, this is Finn and Poe.” She nodded to the boy she kissed and the class clown respectively.

“Hi.” I smile and wave shyly. Finn gives me a giant grin and immediately pulls me into a bear hug. “Oh.”

“It’s great to meet you, Rey,” Finn says once he sets me down.

“Diddo.” Poe winks at me and Rose slaps his chest.

“Poe, don’t scare her away. She’s a science girl, too, and I need more girl power in those classes. I’m outnumbered and tired of it.”

“It’s okay,” I laugh. “He doesn’t scare me.”

Finn laughs. “Okay, I like her. Are you giving her the famous Rose Tico tour?”

“I’m trying to, and then I got distracted.” Rose gives Finn a quick kiss on the lips and I blush, looking away. “Save us seats at assembly?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Finn smiles, a man in love.

The people around me are bustling and loud, obnoxious teenagers. I’m suddenly grateful for my newfound friends.

Rose is gesturing down the hall on the right. “That’s the senior hall. You might go in there sometimes, especially in winter to go to lunch. They get really pissed if you’re loud during class time, but you don’t seem like the loud type.”

I smile. No, not really. Loud spaces were difficult sometimes, especially when I was as uncomfortable as I am now. Rose takes my arm and leads me down the last hall. “This is the Junior hall.”

We walk down a hall filled with blue lockers. There’s a door to a classroom about every twenty or thirty feet. Rose looks at my class schedule. “You’re locker 364, not that far from me!”

We find my locker and Rose tells me to leave my bag there. I do, after struggling with the combination for ten minutes. The end of the hall comes to a corner with a staircase and a wall of windows. Around the corner is a door marked Gymnasium. Rose lets me peek in and I can only gape at the two basketball courts, and, beyond that, a huge glass wall. There are treadmills and workout equipment on the top floor, and I get a glimpse of the pool on the first level. Rose drags me up the stairs and I’m in an identical hall as the one below us. More lockers, more classrooms. Rose points out which ones are which, but I know that I’ll forget.

We came to the area where Principal Organa’s office had been on the other side, but here it's a student lounge overlooking the courtyard. There’s a little kitchen area with a vending machine and a microwave and plenty of chairs, couches, and tables for studying. Rose is explaining something about the vending machines when an announcement comes over the speakers. “Will all students and staff please report to the auditorium for the Welcome Back Assembly? All students and staff please report to the auditorium for the assembly. Thank you.”

Rose’s eyes light up as if she lives for assemblies. Maybe she’s just excited to see Finn again. She grabs my arm and power walks me through the hall and down the stairs. We enter the auditorium through double doors and the room is buzzing with noise and excitement. Poe and Finn wave at us from the front of the room.

We join them as the lights dim and Principal Organa comes up on stage. The buzz in the room dies out and she waits for silence. “Hello, New Republic High!”

A riotous cheer echoes through the auditorium and Poe and Finn are whooping beside me. Organa raises her hands and the room quiets once more. “I hope you all had a great summer and are excited to get back to work. I only have a few announcements and then I’ll send you on your way. First, there will be absolutely NO pranks played on the cheerleaders this year, Mr. Dameron.” Her eyes are shooting lasers at Poe.

He gives her a cheerful thumbs up and leans over to me. “I’m planning on the swim team, instead.”

I giggle. Organa’s already moved on to more usual school things. Laptop roll out, schedule questions, where to look for club sign-ups. I should pay attention, but I’m still trying to process everything around me. It’s all so new and crazy. I close my eyes and try to calm my breathing, just have to get through the first day. The first week.

The assembly ends and Rose takes my hand, leading me out the side. First on the agenda, English Comp. We make our way back to my locker and she leaves me for a second to grab her own bag. The hall is filled with students rushing to classes and I cling to my bag, anxiety filling my chest. Rose touches my arm. “I’m not sure what I would do without you. It’s a lot to take in.”

Rose beams. “I got you. It’s exciting having a new friend. My sister went off to college this year, so I’ve been a bit lonely. And it all calms down after the first week. Everyone is crazy trying to figure out their schedules and where they need to be.”

We have English together, then Latin, then Math, then Physics. My stomach is rumbling by the time lunch rolls around and I find myself standing in line with Rose, staring out over the huge bustling lunchroom. “How long do we have to eat?”

“What?” Rose gives me a strange look. “Oh, it’s not timed, really. You just have to make it to your next class on time. Which is… Drawing at two. Nice. So, like, an hour.”

Lunch looks better than anything I had ever been served back on Jakku. For one, it resembles actual food. For another, I get to choose what I want to eat. Maybe I could get used to this. My stomach turns. Maybe I shouldn’t get used to this. I knew how quickly things could get taken away.

When we sit down, Poe and Finn are in the middle of arguing about football, I think. It’s all just sports talk to me. Rose leans over to me, “Don’t worry, I have no idea what they’re saying either. Are you liking your classes so far?”

“Yeah, but I think I’ll need a cart to carry all these books around.” I grin and poke at my peas.

Rose snorts. “Me too. It’s torture. Hey, we should definitely start a study group together. I saw that you have a free block with me Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

“That would be great.” A friend! I smile and dig into my chicken.

“Do you think you’re going to join any clubs or anything? There’s A Capella, chess, film…”

I shrug. “I’ve never really been a group person.” Rose gives me the saddest look. “But, I can see. What are you in?”

A giant smile breaks across Rose’s face.

“Oh, now you’ve released the beast.” Finn chuckles, making eyes across the table at his girlfriend.

“So, there’s this group I’ve been wanting to get started.” Rose’s eyes are bright and excited and I can’t help but laugh. “It’s called FEM-STEM for women in science. And we’d be part robotics team, part STEM buds, and it would really just be you and me for right now, but that’s enough to start and I, like, need a Vice President.”

“I would love, too!” There’s a flash of anxiety in my gut as I drop out of the dream for a second. “But I don’t know how long I’m staying here. It’s all so new, you know. But, I’ll definitely think about it. I just want to make sure Maz is like a sure thing. I haven’t had the greatest time with foster parents.”

I finish softly and there’s a soft oh from Rose’s lips. I look up and my eyes connect with his. Dark, brooding, intense. I gasp and look away. I look back up and he’s turned away, head in a book, scribbling, black hair falling over his eyes. I know those eyes… I know them from… Somewhere. I tune back in.

“It’s totally okay. I totally understand. I didn’t mean to bring up-”

“I’ll do it.” I force a smile. Rose squeals and pulls me into a huge hug. What is it with these people and hugs? “I have to talk to Maz first.”

“Oh, Rey. Thank you.” Rose is bouncing in her seat with excitement.

I glance back at him and he looks up at me. Something imperceptible passes across his eyes and he gathers his things to leave. The table he’s at is empty. “Who’s that?”

Poe, Finn, and Rose’s eyes track mine as I watch him leave the giant lunch hall. Poe’s face immediately darkens into anger while Rose and Finn share a knowing look and glance at Poe. Poe takes a deep breath and lets it out. “It’s fine. She’ll find out sooner or later and it may as well be from us.”

Poe’s eyes meet mine and I’m filled with a burning curiosity. He’s immediately on edge, tensed.

“I can’t believe she let him come back.” Rose mutters.

“Well, he is her son.” Finn replies softly. I glance between the three of them confused.

“What happened?”

Rose sighs. Her voice is almost a whisper like she’s telling me a secret. “That’s Ben Solo.”

“Solo?” It sounds familiar but I can’t quite find it amongst the ocean of information that’s been driven into my head today.

“Yeah, Principal Organa and Mr. Solo’s son.” Finn fills in. Suddenly, Poe slams his fist down on the table and the whole cafeteria goes quiet. He stands and walks out. My eyes go wide. Finn grabs both their trays. “I’ll go calm him down.”

The chatter starts up again as Finn leaves. My heart is racing. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up something bad. I-“

“No, Rey, it's okay. You didn’t know. You couldn’t have.” Rose’s voice is steady. Calming. “I just wouldn’t bring Ben Solo up in front of Poe again.”

“Yeah, of course.” I poke at the remaining peas on my plate, no longer hungry.

“Poe and Ben… well I think they used to be really good friends as kids. I’m not sure. I moved here in middle school. But as they grew up, well, Poe is really easy to like. And Ben, I guess, not so much. I’m a little fuzzy on the details. But I guess Ben started having a lot of mental health problems and anger issues and I think he got started down the wrong path. No one is really sure, but a lot of people say he might sell drugs or something. And Poe thinks that Ben sold Poe’s twin sister the drugs that Lily overdosed on. And it all kind of culminated at the end of last year when Ben showed up to the funeral. Poe came to school and it was so scary. I’ve never seen him so angry. And he and Ben got into a fight in the courtyard that sent both of them to the hospital. The police got involved. It was horrible. And I guess Ben got shipped off to some reform summer camp. And it’s why Poe can’t play any varsity or junior lacrosse this year.”

“Gods. That’s horrible.” Anxiety knits my stomach. Maybe I should find Poe and apologize.

“Yeah...” Rose wipes away a tear and looks at the time on her phone. “Oh! I should probably get you to your next class. I have vocal so it’s in the same wing at least.”

We discard out trays and walk out of the cafeteria and up a flight of stairs to the Art Hall as Rose called it. There were three art studios on one side of the hall and the orchestra/band room on the other side. Two double doors at the end of the hall were for the balcony seats of the auditorium. I waved goodbye to Rose and she ran off to the auditorium for vocal and for the first time today I’m alone. The classroom looks empty since I’m about ten minutes early so I go in and nearly jump out of my skin.

Ben Solo is sitting in the corner of the classroom at one of the high drawing desks eating an apple. He looks up in surprise as I enter and takes a bite. I can’t get rid of the feeling that I know him from somewhere. But where?

“Sorry… I thought it was empty.” No reply. “Is it okay if I sit in here too?”

His intense eyes regard me carefully. “It’s a free country.”

His voice is deep, gravelly, sensual almost. I… was not expecting that. I pick one of the desks almost directly across from him. He goes back to his work as I take out my schedule and club list, as well as a thick welcome packet Rose had given to me. It’s the first time today I’m able to sit and breathe and think. I let out a deep sigh. First days are the worst.

I feel a tingle on my skin like someone’s watching me and I look up only to see him look back down at his sketchbook. A strand of long black hair falls in front of his face and I catch myself wondering what it would feel like to brush it back.

What the hell, Niima? I look back down at my papers electing to ignore him. He probably just had one of those faces. Besides, if anything Rose said was true, I shouldn’t trust this guy at all. It’s not trust, it's curiosity. Okay, well, then I shouldn’t be curious either. He’s bad enough to make funny, happy-go-lucky Poe Dameron go nuclear.

I glance back up at him and our eyes lock. I don’t know if we’re looking at each other for minutes or hours or just seconds. He moves like he wants to ask me something and the classroom door swings open breaking our trance.

A tall woman struggles through the door carrying a giant armful of drawing pads and utensils. I rush to help her, taking some of her things.

“Oh, thank you, dear. You’re so kind. Yes, just put one on each desk for me.”

I’ve taken a box of boxes of drawing pencils from her. I set to work placing boxes of pencils on my desk, deliberately starting as far away from him as possible. I work my way around the U of desks and come to him. He stiffens as I draw near and dammit he smells good too. I hastily shove a pencil box at him and he takes it. His fingers brush against mine and I gasp, hurrying away from him. My heart is pounding in my chest and I can feel him watching me. I’m so ready for this day to end.

I set the empty box down on the desk and the art teacher is desperately trying to get the overhead projector to turn on.

“Do you mind?” She hands me the remote and I turn on the projector with one click. She laughs and takes it back. “I swear, technology hates me. I don’t recognize you so you must be…. Rey Nemo.”

“Niima.” I smile.

She clicks her tongue. “Yes, that’s what Rose said. Pretty name. I’m Mrs. Tico, the drawing teacher.”

“Rose’s mom?”

She smiles brightly. I can tell where Rose gets her sunshine personality from. “The one and only. I hope my daughter hasn’t scared you off yet.”

There’s a light scoff behind me and I look back to see Ben concentrating very hard on his notebook. Did he know me? Did he recognize me from somewhere, too?

I turn back to Mrs. Tico. “Not at all. She’s been really nice and welcoming. I think it’s the best welcome party I’ve ever had.”

The door swings open and students start to roll in. Mrs. Tico smiles. “Well, we’re more than happy to have you here and I’m delighted to have you as a student, Rey. Maybe you can convince my daughter to take one class with her momma. I sure can’t.”

I laugh and head back to my seat. I don’t catch him looking at me the rest of the block, but for some reason I know he is.

The bell rings, signifying the end of the block and I gather myself. Rose is waiting for me outside the door, a petrified look on her face.

“What?”

“You have class with him? After I told you all that stuff? Oh jeez, I’m so sorry.” Rose's eyes are wide.

I shrug. “Don’t worry about it.”

Should I mention the staring? The eye contact? The fact that I find him kinda hot? The weird feeling in my chest when he looks at me? Probably not. Probably should just chalk this up to weird teenage hormones.

“So the shop is a bit different. It’s across the parking lot because it has to be a separate building because of building codes or something.” Rose says as we walk through the hall, down the stairs, and through the double glass doors into the back parking lot. We head towards a building made of white tin and Rose drops me off at the door.

“I like your mom, by the way. She seems nice.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty cool. She keeps wanting me to take art classes but I can’t draw to save my life.” Rose shrugs. “Do you have any plans after school? I usually go to the coffee shop and work on homework or hang out until Finn gets done with practice.”

“That sounds fun. I think Maz wanted to take me shopping for some things tonight though. Maybe some other time?”

“Oh sure! How about tomorrow?” Rose raises her eyebrows. “I mean you can totally say no, but I think it would be fun to hang out outside of school.”

It was hard to not want to be Rose’s friend. She made it so easy. Don’t get attached. She’s just being nice. I pushed the thought out of my head. “Yeah! Tomorrow sounds great.”

Rose beamed. “Sweet! I’ll see you tomorrow then! Bye, Rey!”

I watched her race across the parking lot back to school. I opened the door to the huge white shop and was greeted with a small classroom. A couple tables with benches faced a white board. And in front of the white board, staring at me again was Ben. Why me. Why today.

It looks like I’ve just interrupted a strained conversation between him and the man at the desk. Ben immediately takes a seat near the outside wall of the room. The man at the desk stands and saunters over to me. He’s wearing a white shirt and jeans with grease spots. He’s got greying hair and a twinkle in his eye. “Rey Niima?”

I nod.

“Han Solo, how you doing, kid?” He sticks his hand out and I shake it. I’m trying to put three and three together. The grungy man before me and the polished lady I met earlier and their mysterious son in the corner.

“I’m okay, thank you.”

“Nice to have a girl in here. Maybe it will teach some of these boys a lesson.”

Not sure what that means, but I catch Ben glaring grumpily at the desk in front of him.

“Have you worked with engines before, kid?”

I nod. “A little bit. Kinda. I… Stayed with someone who owned a junkyard and he let me take stuff apart. Mostly I think he just wanted me to learn how to strip cars for parts cause my hands were small.”

Is that too much information? My stomach twists but Mr. Solo seems delighted and Ben is staring at me again. He quickly looks away.

“Oh, yeah, Maz had told me she was fostering a new kid. Look at you. You’ll do fine here. Just pick a seat. We’ll start once the others show up.”

I sit down two rows behind Ben. Try to stare at me now. I smirk. But now you get to be the one who stares. I roll my eyes at my subconscious. It’s curiosity. And hormones. Pure and simple.

By the time I get home that night, I’m completely exhausted from the day and from answering a million questions. The moment I lay down, I’m passed out and dreaming of dark eyes and endless darkness. Flashes of him pass through, fleeting. When I wake in the morning, I can’t remember much of it.

#reylo #ben solo #rey #star wars #reylo fanfic #ben solo deserved better

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