#no one is safe from the gayness

[sirnica]

I was told by a coworker I kinda trust (as much as I can trust these people, which isn't much) to be careful because every mistake in the system is now being blamed at me and because I dared to compliment the work she did yesterday at a meeting in front of other coworkers.

Wasn't I suppose to be working in a laboratory and not fuckin Westeros?

[metamatar]

In 2005, the tellingly named studio After Stone wall Productions released a film titled Dangerous Living: Coming Out in the Developing World. Featuring interviews with various LGBT activists from different countries outside the West, spliced up and lumped together haphazardly, the film delivers the following overarching messages: that it is not safe to be queer in the "developing world," that what queer spaces do exist in the "developing world" are to be found in certain metropolises: Cairo, Kuala Lumpur, Calcutta, Rio de Janeiro—and that these sites trace their genealogy to the Stonewall riots. Furthermore, according to the film, queerness/gayness and sometimes transness (when it is acknowledged) were invented in the West. Epistemic breaking points such as the Stone wall riots and canonized locales such as San Francisco and Greenwich Village are the originating points of this innovation against the backdrop of a timeless, pervasive heterosexism. This cosmopolitan gayness/queerness then "spreads" from the metropole to the periphery, forming a web from city to city This coincides with Jack Halberstam's (excruciatingly white) analysis in his book In a Queer Time and Place: the idea of "metronorma tivity" that "the rural is made to function as a closet for urban sexualities in most accounts of rural queer migration" and that "the metronormative narrative maps a story of migration onto the coming-out narrative" (2005, 36-37). We can extend Halberstam's analysis further and see the ways that the closet/rural/(post)colony as well as out/urban/metropole get col lapsed onto each other—the queer is always pulled closer to the heart of capital.

The overarching savior narrative occurs towards the end of the film, when each interviewee, in clips spliced together, tells his or her story of emigrating to the West. After a particularly heart-wrenching story of Ashraf Zanati's departure from Egypt, the narrator comments that "Ashraf Zanati left Egypt. Ashraf had become part of a planetary minority." Although the film purports to care about the status of queers in the "developing world," it actually forms a wounded attachment that fetishizes displacement and bifurcates the queer from his or her society. This narration of non-Western countries as inherently unsafe for queer subjects produces the very displacement it describes, in a manner similar to the ways nine teenthcentury colonial archaeology laid the foundations for Zionism and the dispossession of Arab Jews. Writing about the European "discovery" and destruction of the Cairo Geniza—a building that had housed pieces of paper documenting centuries of jewish Egyptian history—Shohat (2006) shows us that the discursive/ archival dislocation of Egyptian Jews by the forces of European/Ashkenazi colonialism anticipated the later dislocation of Egyptian Jews. This dislocation would form part of the backbone of Zionist historiography's production of a "morbidly selective 'tracing the dots' from pogrom to pogrom." The fetishization of queer displacement, as projected by Dangerous Living, performs a similar historical flip to the one Shohat documents: "If at the time of the 'Geniza discovery' Egyptian Jews were still seen as part of the colonized Arab world, with the partition of Palestine, Arab-Jews, in a historical shift, suddenly became simply 'Jews'" (Shohat 2006, 205). Through various colonial practices, there was a discursive bifurcation between the "Arab" and the "Jew"; in the case of case of Dangerous Living there is a similar bifurcation between the "Egyptian" and the "Queer."

Papantonopoulou, Saffo. “‘Even a Freak Like You Would Be Safe in Tel Aviv’: Transgender Subjects, Wounded Attachments, and the Zionist Economy of Gratitude.” Women’s Studies Quarterly, vol. 42, no. 1/2, 2014, pp. 278–93. JSTOR, http://www.jstor.org/stable/24364930. Accessed 11 Nov. 2024.

[ingydar-phan]

I think people are misinterpreting my stance on dangender. So let me say more, I guess.

- I am not indirecting anybody. This is a wide topic with varying ideas in it. My stances aren’t about the participants, they’re about the topic itself.

- I do not think having this stance is inherently harmful, transphobic, or unethical. I think some aspects can be rooted in harmful things but believing in dangender doesn’t make someone a bad person.

- My issue isn’t about boundaries themselves or crossing lines DNP have set. I know some people agreeing with me are making it about that, but that’s not what it’s about for me. I am super icked out by people who think they’re doing some sort of holy work by “protecting” their “innocent blorbos” or whatever from other peoples opinions/speculation. I’m not trying to be like “how dare you! If he saw this his feelings would be hurt!”. In fact, I think if Dan were to see dangender posts, he’d probably giggle, tilt his head, and be like “hmm yea ok I see what you’re saying!”. Im not trying to decipher what lines DNP have laid out themselves about what’s ok and what’s too much. Nobody can do that accurately besides DNP themselves, and this is a fandom space, so that’s not what I’m worried about, even though people seem to think it is.

I think it is absolutely true that having queer people in the phandom pre-BIG discussing DNPs relationship and queerness was a huge part of empowering Dan to come out. He’s said it in BIG, he said it in TIT, he’s said it a lot. Their community being nosy gays is how he found the space to come out. I know this. I affirm and agree with this.

My issue is there’s a difference between laying ground for mind-opening, and acting like there’s a confirmed secret being hidden from us when it comes to Dans gender. So, the difference between thinking “maybe if Dan really dug into what his gender could be, knowing it’s a safe space, he may come out with an idea of something more complex than cis” and thinking “he is for a fact trans/enby and already knows this, he’s just hiding it, and trying to hint it at everyone through these secret codes.”

All the jokes about phyuri and DNP looking like lesbians, the calling Dan “she” or “wife”, wanting DNP to watch I Saw The TV Glow, transmascs seeing themselves in Dan, that IS the community opening our arms and saying to be free to feel however you want to feel and express yourself however you desire. That’s so beautiful.

Collecting evidence that you surely know better than Dan himself that he’s actually secretly trans and hiding it is just, different, and is what makes me uncomfortable.

Lest we not forget that gender and sexuality, that queerness as a whole, are intertwined. A young confused traumatized Dan feeling urges to express femininity is just queerness itself, not specifically transness. Queer men are often inherently viewed as feminine, and going outside of strict gender expectations is a part of gayness for many gay men. Feeling like you’re different from your peers, like you want to express yourself outside of the norm, is tied into all forms of queerness. Dan is gay: he knows he’s gay, he’s worked hard to call himself gay. Gayness is queerness, and queerness is unique expression. His complex feelings about non-masculine expression tie into his gayness because he is a queer man. Him having those complex feeling about expression and self image do not mean he’s trans. They mean he’s queer period. What type of queer is up to him; and clearly the expression and label of queerness that he finds most accurate to himself is gay man. You can be a cis gay person and still have your queerness attach to your gender without it making you trans.

May he one day in the future find that that complex expression of queerness goes into his gender to the extent of transness? Maybe! I don’t know! Would I support him? Of course! Would I look back regretfully? No! I’m not attempting to prevent anyone from building a welcoming space. I just don’t like this assertion of specific labels and the idea that you know better than him. That is it.

[absolutebl]

Do you have any recent recommendations for JBL TaiwanBL and KBL? Been rewatching only bls from 2021 2022 and I feel like I'm out of the loop for the more recent ones.

Maybe something from this year or late last year?

Great JBL, TaBL, and KBL from 2023 & first half 2024

asker added:

Genre = mostly anything. But pls avoid homophobic trauma (like Jazz for Two).

Fair. Okay here we go!

2023 Recs!

I picked mostly 9s and 10s for you with a few 8s I felt specifically might suit your taste.

I Cannot Reach You AKA Kimi ni wa Todokanai

Japan Netflix

This classic friends-to-lovers BL is everything Japan does best. Angsty. Emo. Aching. Driven by real thirst. Yamato is deeply in love with his childhood bestie, Kakeru, and has been for ages, unable to hide his ungainly damaging high school need. He wants Kakeru in every way possible and it oozes off of the screen. Kakeru is silly and a little simple, but not frenetic or overly camp about it. He is earnest, and genuinely wants to keep Yamato in his life which means giving a romance (and gayness) a fair chance. We watch him realize his affection and what form it can take in a truly authentic way. This show was impossibly kind to both of its lead characters and I felt almost honored that I got to watch something so lovely and rare play out on my screen.

Our Dating Sim

Korea Viki

This is a perfect short form KBL, an office set reunion romance featuring geeks that really suits 8 eps with no fluff and no chaff. Just comforting and yummy. I adored every aspect from the casting to the pristinely simple premise to the quietly smooth execution. Sure it’s low stakes, but that makes it high domesticity and extremely warm and gentle. This is a fuzzy blanket of a story - a cozy BL. It lives in my rewatch pile and you know what’s best about it? Every single episode is in that pile. There’s no skipping with this one, it might be good natured and calmly sweet but it’s tight and the pacing is excellent.

I don't hand out 10/10 often (over 700 BLs watched, stil don't hvae 10 10/10s yet), these both got that from me in 2023. I consider both of them perfect BLs.

My Personal Weatherman AKA Taikan Yoho

Japan Gaga

This style of live action yaoi really only works from Japan. Basically: boys who fell in love in college end up living together but both are so repressed they actually don't realize they're in love. It's higher heat than we usually get from Japan's HEA stuff, and that part is also very well done, but it leaned into the "why don't they just talk for fuck's sake?" trope which is only exacerbated into undiluted frustration by the fact that they're already fucking. It's great, but watching requires more patience than usual, even for Japan.

Our Dining Table AKA Bokura no Shokutaku

Japan Gaga

A lonely salaryman (+ talented cook) gets accidentally adopted by a college kid and his little brother. I was always gonna love this show if they stuck to the original yaoi (which is very dear to my heart). And they did! Paralleling it almost exactly. It’s a quiet & cozy little parable of found family alleviating loneliness. Possibly too slow for some but definitely high up there for me as the best of what Japan can do with softness (like Restart After Come Back Home). It’s only flaw (if I dare say such a thing) is that it is not really “romantic.” Lovely & sweet but the romance beats are being used to build a family relationship, not just couple intimacy, but that's OK with me. This is a very safe show for anyone to watch.

Jun and Jun

Korea Viki

A delightful office romance about an ex-idol who joins cubical life only to find his new boss is his first love. Others boys are sniffing around too. Operative word being "sniffing" as much of this romance involves smell. With a snappy (sometimes even raunchy) script, enjoyable sides, a pretty as peaches cast, and descent chemistry this show made up for in style what it lacked in substance. I like fluff. I loved this. I smiled every moment I was watching. With tons of rewatch potential (especially the last few eps), my only caution is this is for fans of the BL genre only, I don’t think it��ll work for anyone else.

Love Tractor

Korea iQIYI

Most of this country-set BL had me feral for the beautiful broken city boy and his hot young farmer. Hyung romance, puppy/cat pairing, open frankness meets jaded reserve, language play, water hose frolicking, only one bed, just all my favorite tropes. This show was basically a light-weight Restart After Come Back Home and I’m not even slightly mad about that. But (and you knew there was a “but” comg) something about the cringe of the final 2 eps and the impermanence of the ending (both of which highlight the fact that ultimately these 2 are I’ll-suited: too different and too far apart) left me with the feeling that they probably won’t last as a couple. However, in this case, rare for me, I forgive it this finale for my love of the rest.

The New Employee

Korea Viki

So good, SO QUEER, so soft, a near pitch perfect office BL with conflict derived from that setting. Also found family and a lesbian bestie. Sweet & innocent (and out) Seung Hyun scores the office internship of his dreams. On his first day at work he gets into it with his cool reserved (and also v gay) boss. As you do. Frankly? This is what I wanted from this new crop of office set KBLs ALL ALONG. Rainbow rice cakes forever! Directed by queer activist Kim Jho Gwang Soo (Just Friends?) partly set in the same neighbourhood as the To My Star house. Gotta love WATCHA (Semantic Error, Light on Me).

Unintentional Love Story

Korea iQIYI

OMG the plot, forced into a totally understandable betrayal, falling in love despite himself, put into a corner he can't get out of, the AGONY, the eyes EMOTING at us in PAIN A boy who just lost his job due to faked corruption charges accidentally discovers his ex-boss's favorite artist, now a recluse. Evil manager offers him his job back if he can convince the artist to rejoin society. Instead, they fall in love. I found the artist a bit stiff and reserved but Gongchan (maknae of B1A4) is a fucking GIFT - he carried this show (which I do not expect from the idol element). He was lumous with extraordinarily expressive eyes, just drown in the emoting abyss. The external conflict, social tension and pressure is complex and beautifully executed, plus Korea gave us legit side dishes (NOT a love triangle, hally-fucking-luya). I’m not sure on rewatchability, and it didn’t whip me into a verbal frenzy the way some KBLs do, but it still gets a solid 9/10 for those damn eyes alone.

A Breeze of Love

Korea iQIYI

Tsundere insomniac grump reunited with his sunshine jock ex (human sleeping pill) who now hates him. Basketball is also involved. While the simplicity of a reunion plot makes this more cohesive than most KBLs, it is a tad stiff and slow, never managing to lift itself out of "pretty and pretty enjoyable" - I liked it but I don’t think I’m going to remember much about it. 

Bon Appetit

Korea iQIYI

Romance between an office worker the man from his past next door who cooks well. It was very sweet and cute tale of food as love in the All the Liquors family of KBL. I’m not wild about it, I did enjoy it, I was happy to have it show up on my dash, but ultimately it will simply become one of the KBL crowd.

Why R U?

(Korean adaptation of Thai original) iQIYI

Korea decided to remake, of all possible Thai BLs, Why RU? And that is exactly what we got: a short form, clean & pretty, slightly confusing, uneven chemistry, all the same tropes KBL that kind of cliff-noted the original but with none of the heat or complex relationship dynamics. I just … what world is this? Because it is BOTH bizarro land, and EXACTLY what I expected. How do I rate it? In the end I have to go back to simple questions: did I like it, would I rewatch it, and would I recommend it? Yes. Probably. And probably not. What the actual hell?

It did, however win my best kiss of 2023 which is why it's on this list.

Stay By My Side

Taiwan Viki

I wanted to pick SOMETHING from Taiwan but my other two options both had lots of trauma in them. So I'm going with this one.

This show was an interesting take on the "ghost boyfriend" trope. About a boy who is tormented by hearing the dead, except when he is around one other boy - desperation+proximity = love. Unfortunately, the story was erratic and waffled about. While the leads turned in solid performances and the sappy domesticity was off the charts, it never really had the strength of the narrative convictions such a strong concept should have supplied. Highly rewatchable and enjoyable for that sappy domesticity but not a whole lot more. Still I always give extra credit for the diabetes-inducing sugar content and rewatch capacity.

And some suggestions from 2024

I'm only suggesting stuff that has finished it's run and isn't currently airing.

Although I Love You and You AKA Sukiyanen Kedo Do Yaro ka

Japan Gaga

The promise of this show, younger cook courts older divorced office worker, should have been my catnip. I mean if someone pitched this to me in an elevator I would have downloaded it by the second storey. Unfortunately, it did not exactly fulfill that promise, not in the way I'd hoped. Did I still enjoy the ride, yes, but I feel just a little let down.

Living With Him AKA Kare no Iru Seikatsu

Japan Gaga

Kindly Ryota goes to uni and ends up rooming with his former childhood bestie, Kazuhito. Kazuhito doesn’t have a girlfriend for, as it turns out, cute roommate reasons. Same director as Old Fashion Cupcake, the framing is gorgeous and it is a stylish piece. As a friends to lovers cohabitation narrative this was a classic 2000s sweet yaoi. I enjoy that kind of tradition out of Japan even if it (and the characters) come off as a little slow as a result. Still, it's nice to get a traditional BL out of Japan that is satisfying, not slapstick, AND did not hurt us.

[oldphanny]

So it's been a very long time since I've gone back and watched old DanAndPhilGames videos, and I'm honestly shocked in the shift Phil has had. Like, I'm talking about videos from 8 years ago, so they would have been pre-gayness and probably before ii (?maybeidk). Not that Phils personality as a whole has shifted. He's always had that quirky flare, but he just seemed so... flat in comparison. Like either he was getting tired of shielding his complete self, or maybe he was just generally exhausted from the whole peak of the channel. But compare him from those videos to today, and it's like a total rebirth. The smiles and laughs are so much warmer and brighter.

This has probably all been discussed on here a million times before, but I wonder whether that was the point that Dan was discovering himself and coming to terms with his sexuality and Phil was trying to be accommodating to that journey but feeling like he was neglecting a part of himself that he did eventually want to share. From memory, Phil has mentioned never meaningfully hiding his sexuality, but I'm assuming that if he did say that he was gay it would place a lot more pressure on Dan from us as an audience.

I guess I'm in awe of how much Phil has done to create a safe space for Dan to fulfil his own self-development journey. And I guess I wonder whether that's what has fueled Dan to come back to the gaming channel since Phil was the one to spearhead the return. Dan was supported in what made him happy so now he's returning that to Phil with the reigniting of 'Dan and Phil'.

I'm not saying that I think Phil was busting to come out but I'm assuming he may have been more concious about holding certain comments, actions or ideas back as not to out Dan at a time when he didn't even feel confident in his identity. I guess because I hadn't gone back to pre-coming out videos since probably pre-coming out times, I never really noticed how much that had affected Phils on-screen persona, because in these old videos he seems rigid and almost distant in comparison. Maybe at the time it wasn't noticeable but now it's like night and day.

Sorry for yapping, but I just really admire their relationship, and it's unique to see these kinds of developments captured to view over and over. Imma go lay face down now.

[keepingsecretstokeepyoutk]

So Long London - Full Lyric Analysis

My Gaylor/Kaylor interpretation at a glance: Taylor uses the bearding narrative of her breakup with Joe as an allegory to talk about her reluctant decision to “break up” with her fans/kill off her public persona in the process of coming out. 

The Joe bearding narrative was likely created for this very purpose - an "ex" who didn't allow her to "bejeweled" (be her whole self), who she tried to make it work with, tried to change herself for, before realizing she couldn't keep sacrificing her wellbeing, mental and otherwise. Read through this lens, this song is devastating, so prepare yourselves emotionally, maybe have tissues on hand.

I interpret a number of the "break up" songs on this album (almost all of them) as being about her reaching the end of her rope with being in the closet and trying to slowly change her fan's attitude towards her queerness. So many of these songs imply that she has hit her breaking point, and the metaphor of a failing romantic relationship is the perfect vehicle to express this shift.

I believe this precedent exists in her work, and for this particular chapter, was established with "You're losing me".

This is also one of a few songs on the album that conceptualize her fame (as obtained with her public, hetero persona) as a place. In this song, that place is represented by London (hence, "so long, London"). In Florida!!! she may be running away to Florida from this place, (after she comes out and needs to escape the backlash). In "I hate it here", she dreams of escaping this place, and imagines two other locales within the lore of her songs - "secret gardens", a probable parallel to Betty's garden and the "garden gates" in Cruel Summer, as well as the "lunar valleys" referencing the galactic landscape established in Down Bad.

Lets get into it!

Verse 1

“Saw in my mind fairy lights in the mist/kept calm and carried the weight of the rift/pulled him in tighter each time he was drifting away/my spine split from carrying us up the hill/wet through my clothes, wary bones caught the chill/stopped trying to make him laugh/stopped trying to drill the safe”

In this first verse, Taylor introduces the idea of her fans being like a partner who isn’t present in the relationship, and more importantly, a partner that is ultimately rejecting her true self. 

“Fairy lights in the mist” - Taylor has used daylight/light images to represent the end of her closeting/her coming out for at least 5 years. Here she sees small pinpricks of light amongst darkness and the classic metaphor for hiding/confusion, etc - mist. She is saying that in the past she had hope, she saw a possible path forward to coming out while also keeping all of her fans.

“Kept calm and carried the weight of rift/pulled him in tighter each time he was drifting away” - Taylor reflects on her years of hoping that she could slowly introduce her fans the idea that she is not straight, then come out with minimal rupture in her relationship with her fans. She tried to keep the faith and looked past a lot of bad behavior on the part of some of her fans, convinced that she could make them see her and that their love for her would extend past their need for her being the persona they have grown attached to.

“Stopped trying to make him laugh/stopped trying to drill the safe” - ultimately, she gave up, having been rejected too many times - ignored when she clearly signaled her gayness and the masses of her fans just refused to acknowledge it. Beyond refusing to acknowledge it, they bullied those that did see it, demonstrating to her how reviling they found the idea that she might be queer. “Drill the safe” is a metaphor for trying to force something that will never happen, she is realizing she needs to let go of something that isn’t for her.

Chorus

“How much sad did you think I had/did you think I had in me/oh the tragedy/so long London/ you’ll find someone” 

Taylor now must ask her fans, how long did you expect me to sacrifice my own happiness while you continue to ignore my pleas for you to see me? 

“You’ll find someone” = you’ll find another idol/para social relationship to obsess over, identify with, etc. This is a reference to Dear Reader, when she sang “you should find another guiding light.” In that song, Taylor warned fans that she is not who they think she is ("you wouldn't take my word for it if you knew who was talking"), that the idea they have of her life is constructed, and strongly lamented her life choices, essentially telling fans they shouldn't look to her for life advice, because she is lonely and miserable. Here, the reference not only underscores the idea that they don't know her, but also that she is making the choice for them to "find someone" else, because she is choosing to come out of hiding, and in so doing, is also choosing to leave behind the misery that made her write Dear Reader in the first place.

Verse 2

“Didn’t opt in to be your odd man out/I founded the club she’s heard great things about/ I left all I knew/you left me in the house by the heath/I stopped cpr after all it’s no use/the spirit was gone, we would never come to/ and I’m pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free.”

I made a post about the "Heath" reference that you can read here. Please note the reblog of it that I added an addendum to about the Heath being a park in London. Heath was a doctor that practiced conversion therapy, meaning that her fans "left her at home" with someone trying to change her. By ignoring her signaling, they told her they didn't want the real her, which kept her in the closet, and I fear kept her more vulnerable to those who may have tried to manipulate her into trying to change herself, or deny her true self even behind closed doors.

"I stopped cpr after all its no use/the spirit was gone we would never come to" - again Taylor is using the of a failed romantic relationship to express her lost hope in salvaging the corners of her kingdom that ultimately won't accept her when she comes out. This is also an example of the frequent gothic/death related imagery Taylor uses on this album, a theme consistent with the idea that something is ending, that she is killing off her public persona.

"and I'm pissed off that you let me give you all that youth for free" Taylor has spent so many years choosing her fans and her current carrer path over the full expression of her life and happiness. Again, she had hope that the people who have given her endless validation and effusive praise for years would accept her for who she is. She is realizing that the love between her and at least some of her fans was conditional, and given what we know of how much her fans have meant to her over the course of her career, this was likely a devastating wake up call that took years for her to accept - undoubtedly a huge factor in her seemingly delaying her coming out so many times.

"So long London/Stitches undone/two graves, one gun/I’ll find someone”

Taylor has said her fans are her longest relationship; the imagery in this song reflects the idea that this is a break up with someone she has tried with over and over again. So she undoes the “stitches” that link her to them. This line references her song Glitch on Midnights, “fasten myself to you with a stitch” symbolizing being bonded with a romantic partner (which represent a portion of her fans in this song).

"Two graves one gun" is likely a reference to burying her public persona self, and the second grave could represent her fans (a parallel to the "cheating husband" in "Florida!!!"?) or it could be a shrouded suicidal thought - the second grave being her private persona - both selves being killed off. This lyric is one of my favorites in this song but I don't have a strong conviction on who the second grave is, I'm very open to others' thoughts...

Bridge

“And you say I abandoned the ship/but I was going down with it/my white knuckle dying grip/holding tight to your quiet resentment/and my friends said it isn't right to be scared/every day of a love affair/every breath feels like rarest air/ when you're not sure if he wants to be there/So how much sad did you think I had, did you think I had in me/How much tragedy/Just how low did you think I'd go/Before I'd self implode/before I had to go be free"

"And you say I abandoned the ship...white knuckle dying grip" Taylor emphasizes her wish for things to be different with this lyric, clinging to her ship as it sinks. We all saw her try to right the ship, she's finally choosing to let go and swim to safety (a nautical parrallel to the manuscript's "my trip to your shores"?).

“My friends said it isn’t right to be scared everyday of a love affair…if you’re not sure he wants to be there”

Similar to when someone is in a bad romantic relationship, i imagine her friends expressed their concern that her relationship with her fans is unhealthy. Although many of her friends are high achievers themselves, Taylor’s success is in another league (monster on the hill) and they would likely have expressed their hope that she can slow down and accept a slightly less monumental career in the interest of her mental health. 

“How much sad did you think I had/did you think I had in me/Just how low did you think I’d go?” “before I self implode/before I have yo go be free”

Taylor imagines arguing with her fans in the throes of the break up, and in this passage it becomes clear that she is convinced they know the truth but are refusing to acknowledge it. That they allowed her to keep faking her straight persona for their sake. That she was a woman pushed to her limits by a partner (fans) who knew they were running her ragged, a partner that didn’t in fact love her, but loved what she could do for them.

 So she asks them, how long did you think I could keep doing this before it broke me? How long did you think I would go along with this, be willing to sacrifice for you? how much would she fake/take the money to keep up the straight persona?

“You swore that you loved me but where were the clues?/I died on the altar waiting for the proof/ you sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days”

The para social relationship is again a perfect match for the metaphor of a partner that uses you but doesn’t meet you in relationship as a full person. The praise puts you on an altar, but their actions don’t reflect the effusive words. “Bluest days” is a red herring to match the bearding narrative/fan rumor that Joe’s mental health affected their relationship, but also could be interpreted as the fans overlooking her truth in the interest of relying on the idea that their favorite pop star has the same boy problems that they do, their "bluest days" were the days they were torn up over a relationship or an unrequited love and needed her break up anthems, and they wouldn't have the same effect if they knew (and weren't in denial) that the songs are about women (or now about them, ironically).

Last Verse/Outro

“I’m just getting color back into my face/im just mad as hell cause I loved this place/for so long London/had a good run/moment of war son/but I’m not the one”

The first line here parallels the language in “you’re losing me”, which uses the metaphor of a relationship literally dying (“i can’t find a pulse”, etc). In this song she is leaving the relationship to save herself, and in leaving she is recovering her health, hence getting the color back in her face after being pale when sick and near death.

“This place” or London, is a stand in for the world, the Swiftverse that she created for and with her fans. It had been her life’s work, her source of pride, self worth, her legacy, but now she must leave, because it was built in large part around a self she created to make herself palatable to the fans she amassed. She can’t be that person anymore, and maybe in some ways “this place” doesn’t even really feel like hers. This parallels Florida!!!, "your home's really a town you're just a guest in/so you work your life away/just to pay for a timeshare down in Destin". She is just a guest in the musical world of the brand of Taylor Swift that she spent her whole life building ("the story isn't mine anymore")

To close, she repeats the main lines of the chorus,

“So long London/Stitches undone/two graves, one gun/you’ll find someone” 

This repetition drives home the finality of this decision - her exit, her killing her public persona, her detaching herself from those that don't see and support her, and her reassuring herself that those people will find someone else to worship, and someone else to see themselves in, and her realization and relief that they aren't her responsibility anymore.

[nincompoopydoo]

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ  nincompoopydoo // MCU MASTERLIST

loki laufeyson

⋆ debris and misery [series - on hiatus]: Loki crashes on Sakaar and into your home. you don’t take it lightly when you find there’s a massive hole in your roof. ⋆ to catch someone's eye: During the celebration of Frigga as the Queen of Asgard, Loki finds himself slipping away from the events to the palace courtyard. To where you unfortunately found yourself stumbling towards an escape from your parents. ⋆ in another timeline: stranded on Lamentis, the event of the impending apocalypse seem to mend the fire and fury between you and Loki as deeper feelings begin to come to light. ⋆ for the sake of us: Loki dies (The beginning of Infinity War) and is sent to a place unknown to him, with never ending fields of Asgardian flowers. there, he meets his Sigyn, his late wife. he hadn’t seen her for years ever since her unexpected death of an unknown illness that no Asgardian technology could cure.

sam wilson

⋆ trouble man: you and Sam Wilson are neighbors. never spoke a word a to one another but somewhat developed an unhealthy crush on each other. as a series of unfortunate events that began with the burning of spaghetti, you find yourself entangled in a mess of the appreciation for Marvin Gaye and your fear of cockroaches with the very man himself. ⋆ coming home: Sam’s coming home. ⋆ snowed in: you get a visit from your hot neighbour on Christmas day.

bucky barnes

⋆ whiskey: you’re waitressing at your father’s bar filled with the 107th’s drunk soldiers. In the midst of chaos, you catch the attention of a certain sergeant that goes by the name Bucky. the both of you then realize that one can still find happiness in the middle of a great war.

steve rogers

⋆ pretty beautiful: after the events of Sokovia, Steve and Sam are both on the run, along with Natasha, seeking for a safe house. thankfully, Sam knows the perfect place. ⋆ promises: platonic! you find an unexpected visitor at your doorstep during spaghetti night.

agent jack thompson

⋆ steps of the fire escape: Jack spends the last minutes of New Year’s Eve looking for the morning paper and his cat, Ginny. turns out, Ginny has a knack for discovering those who are spending the last day of the year alone. ⋆ you're gonna be fine, kid [series]: you get shot and the annoying Jack Thompson maybe you’re only hope at surviving after all.  ⋆ knucklehead: where Jack and reader are pissed at each other because you wouldn’t stay off the field and put yourself in danger during a mission while Jack was being a total prick about it although the two of you refuse to admit you love each a little too much. ⋆ pretty confessions: returning to the SSR, golden hour in the midst of New York’s traffic may just lead to some pretty confessions to a very pretty woman in Jack Thompson’s passenger seat. ⋆ unbelievable: you’re strong-witted, frank and independent, and Jack finds it a little unsettling, yet he refuses to admit that he probably adores you a little too much after that one incident at the office. ⋆ babysitter: Jack Thompson finds himself babysitting Daniel and Peggy’s baby daughter. and then realizes he has forgotten how to change nappies. ⋆ baby emergency [babysitter part 2]: you, the Sousa’s neighbour, mistakenly arrive at their doorstep, thinking it was pie night rather than date night. Yet, the sight of a dishevelled, troubled and somewhat handsome Jack Thompson convinced you to help out with baby Nancy. ⋆ call me trixie: you, an aviatrix is partnered with Jack Thompson on a SSR mission.

daniel sousa

⋆ just a gunshot wound: you were badly injured from a mission and Daniel Sousa, your fellow colleague was not the biggest fan of the outcomes of the mission. yet, things get a little heated up, in a bad way, but it may have gave Daniel the courage to act on something he had always wanted to since forever.

[luxiomahariel]

Remembering the victims: Torrence Hill

Torrence Hill, 35, was the founder and owner of Evollusion, a hairstyling and beauty salon in Atlanta. “Hill’s salon offered a much-needed safe space for the Black, LGBTQIA+ residents of Atlanta and its surrounding areas,” Gaye Magazine reports. Hill “wanted to cultivate a space of safety where you can also get the affirming look and style you want, and he did exactly that,” Mathieu-East wrote on Instagram, noting that Black barbershop culture can sometimes be homophobic, and Hill provided an alternative. And his friend Derek Baugh told the Human Rights Campaign, "The loss of Chevy is devastating to not only the Atlanta trans community and his family but to the world. Chevy was a bright light whose mission it was to help others shine on their own. I met Chevy when I founded my organization Ubuntu that focuses on serving Black transgender men. Chevy was one of the first people to ever support me and the organization. He faithfully attended our group, even on weeks when there were two participants-he always showed up. He was well known for his skill as a barber and for welcoming people of all genders and sexual orientations into his barbershop, Evollusion. He was such a good guy with a big heart and he deserved better than this. I will miss seeing him. I want people to understand that gender-based violence affects trans men in a despairing way too. Although he is now a risen ancestor, we must continue to lift his name & others in the struggle against gender-based violence." Another friend, Sylvester XX, told HRC, "Chevy’s memory will be forever etched in my mind, heart and spirit. I met this amazingly caring and head strong human many years ago on his search for affirming resources. His ability to motivate, protect and take care of those he loved was evident from the first time we spoke. Familial support was so paramount to Chevy. So for his life to be taken this way is very disheartening. Some of the larger conversations we have to have are about mental health in Black communities, how rampant gun violence is in this nation, the heightened violence BIPOC TGNC (transgender and gender nonconforming) masculine people endure and how Black communities of marginalized people face overlapping social and economic determinants that no other communities have to navigate. Society learns to devalue Black and trans people’s lives through the many false narratives that have been created and spread by those who oppose LGBTQ+ equality. So, it is important to remind society that we all are human, we all deserve protection and policies in place to keep us safe. Chevy may not have known his true impact, but his legacy and the way he showed up for his community will continue to inspire and change the lives of people who look like him."

https://www.advocate.com/crime/black-trans-man-killed-atlanta

Verna Hill Wilcox, Chevy's mother, told GLAAD her son had let his cousin Jaylen, who was going through some difficulties, stay at his home but that Jaylen had begun to abuse Chevy's generosity. “TK had apparently purchased him uniforms and shoes to start another job,” Wilcox said. “TK had finally reached a point where it was like, no matter what we do for you, you still have a sense of entitlement, and you’re not showing us the respect and love we’re showing you.” “TK got into a verbal altercation with Jaylen,” she continued. “He was chastising him for using their stuff. Terri let them use their vehicle, and he stayed gone for four hours. When he came back, he had an attitude about somebody else’s merchandise, and TK reprimanded him for that and told him to leave.” She believes that led to the shooting.

[skxllz]

𝐤𝐞𝐧...

with a partner who's completely opposite of him.

with a partner who wears black, dark red, burgundy, midnight blue, dark forest green, white and grey. not pink nor bright colors.

with a partner who likes different music than he does. ken screams bill withers, marvin gaye, alicia keys, etc. you on the other hand dig more intellectual, hardcore music - mötely crue, metallica, alice in chains, skid row, etc. even artists that are more down to earth on a different level, such as foster the people or arctic monkeys.

with a partner who isn't as open. you keep more to yourself, stay in your own bubble, don't really talk about your feelings. ken on the other hand, he's always in everyone's space. and, even though he thinks emotions are more of a woman's touch, he ends up speaking on how feels; voicing if he's upset or if he feels icky - in his own way of course.

with a partner who doesn't like social settings. ken loves the beach, ken loves to attend parties and the bar and the university nearby just because he can. you though- you only like the beach at night, when it's quiet and peaceful with no one around. you like to walk the street at night, when no one is really out; and if they are, you don't get bothered (unless it's a weirdo). you like to go to the skatepark during work/school hours, and chill at the ice cream shop that doesn't get real busy, and just stay in your room because it's your safe space.

with a partner who is closed off from affection. ken always gives you hugs, kisses, caresses to your cheek and pets to your hair. you return the favor, too.. but that doesn't mean it's as strong as a touch, or as often - hell, it's even awkward because you're not used to it. but ken knows that's okay, he's patient even though he doesn't want to be. he understands... somewhat. not really, but he's trying.

with a partner who loves physical activity that doesn't require as much work. walking along the side of the river, or railroad tracks; jogging a mile; just simply waking up to be productive. ken, on the other hand, loves to surf (he ended up learning). he loves to attempt to cook, to attempt to play volleyball. his favorite? It's lifting dumbbells with impressive weight.

with a partner who loves to lay around and watch movies. you can relax, and smile in amusement at a cheesy horror movie, or laugh during a comedy. ken, though, he's not able to sit still for long periods of time unless it's to touch you. the film's don't capture his attention; physical action does. affection does. you. not tv.

( hi this is all I have for now LOL. I'm new to the barbie fandom, hello 😏 I'll try to add more content in when I can but for now... enjoy this. )

[inspiteofganon]

I think ganondorf would be so confused by homophobia. like yeah obviously hes attracted to men. he took a course on wooing them. obviously hes attracted to women, why wouldnt he be women are great

The gerudo would not give less of a fuck about sexuality i think. i think the majority of them would be married to women and only seek out men to have children with

Oh yeah such a thing would definitely be nonsense to him, I think. Petty garbage for spoiled weaklings to fuss over. "Who cares if someone's attracted to the same sex? Every day my people struggle in the desert etc. etc. Hand Over The Triforce." sentiments.

Most of my headcanons about Gdorf and the gerudo only selectively factor in BotW/TotK-timeline things such as the dating classes, in preference for OoT-and-its divergents-inspired stuff and also "things my roommate says". I must confess I prefer them a bit more on the chauvinistic side... consistent, feisty, and proud... i.e. "everybody keep out" > "men keep out, women/agenders are fine". Why make exceptions for some hylians but not others?? Girl, the imperialists...!

I definitely agree they don't really "give a fuck" about sexuality. Maybe only a sliver depending on context. It's not really relevant to most of them unless they wanna start a family or fall in love. Being a 100% straight gerudo must kinda suck though since your only options are either hitting up Ganondorf (if there's even a gerudo king at home at the moment) or learning how to woo some outsider voe... or transmasc gerudo, if you think they'd have enough of those in the open. I like the idea of there being a lot of lesbian and bi gerudo... I want to see a gay gerudo wedding... they're socially monogender except for the times they have a king, so social sexuality really isn't something I think they'd really think seriously about except for the aforementioned reasons. Just more garbage that the peoples they steal from waste time on! Lame. Even the "vai" others have are so socially different despite physical similarities that they just don't vibe the same as other gerudo.

As for Ganondorf and his own Gay Thoughts... man, where to even start with what I have in mind for that guy. Besides the fact that he can't be normal about anything ever.

If vai take lessons on how to romance and woo voe, Ganondorf I think would at least know how that works. He has to know how the things his subjects consider important work-- how else are they going to respect him?! To hylians, I think, getting to know him long enough he'd start to come off as a guy with an unusually deep knowledge of what most might call "women's business". Up to and including him knowing how to go about getting a boyfriend if he really wanted to. But back to GAYNESS... I think it'd be complicated for him. Because Ganondorf is a very superior man who thinks little of everyone else, especially if they're not gerudo. So if one approached the topic of his orientation-- assuming his response wasn't just "who cares? not me"-- he might not be able to give you a straight (lol) answer on the sole basis that there aren't any other males of his own kind to measure his reactions with, and that he looks down too much on other peoples for him to think they truly count.

But on the FLIP side of that!! Other men could be, for lack of a better word, a "safe space" to play with his own sexuality, since them being of so little matter makes them more approachable in that sense. Goodness knows he's up to his eyeballs in women at home, but men? They're novel, they're disgusting but mandatory to his people (though they insist he's the one good one! they swear!!), and like it or not, the common voe outside Gerudo Valley are lumped into the same category that he is by most. They're so like him, but so not. They don't have the same expectations he has on his shoulders. Perhaps a part of him might envy their freedom and camaraderie... and enjoy intimidating them as a result, and thinking something like "Wow, you're nearly the kind of gender I am... heheh..." while watching them squirm in his presence. What passes for a man in Hyrule is different from what he's been raised to be...

So yeah in my opinion he's DEFINITELY got some gay potential boiling under the lid. He's not gonna think about it or act on it in a sane or healthy way though.

[flibbertygigget]

Ok so I'm fiddling around with a version of Company in my head that's like,,, still set in the 70s (at the very least implicitly, a la 2006 Company), but one of the girlfriends is a boyfriend. Like, I think it could work.

There's a huge amount of emotional distance between Bobby and the couples in the text - so much of Bobby's arc is wrapped up in his desire for the intimacy that a committed relationship would bring while at the same time he doesn't want the risk that that level of emotional intimacy would bring. "Being Alive" is the resolution of this, obviously - "too close" and "too deep" goes from something to fear to something to want (while still fearing, always fearing, but the fear doesn't overwhelm the want). His friendships and romantic relationships are all surface level - he keeps himself at a distance, an amused observer in his own life to keep from risking the potential hurt that intimacy could bring.

Which, if he's closeted to varying degrees with different friends (and this could easily be shown just through giving a fake name for the boyfriend in some circumstances and not in others), really works well with his arc. Of course he keeps himself at an implicit distance - he's always on the knife's edge of being rejected, both by his friends for his queerness or his partners for his bisexuality. Just watching and asking questions and never talking about himself beyond quips and safe anecdotes is easier and safer, even though it's killing him emotionally.

The boyfriend being Marta or April would work in different ways with the text. Marta because it would be an easy switch - Marty to Marta - that could have him slip with the fake name in ways that the audience would catch but the couples realistically wouldn't. Plus the idea of the one boyfriend being this fun younger twink really Tracks - he finds partners who allow him to put a wall up between him and the idea of commitment: Kathy because what they want out of life is so fundamentally different, April because of her job, and Marta/Marty because they're at fundamentally different stages of life.

April would be a good switch-to-boyfriend because a) the scene where he questions her/him about the roommate would get instantly funnier and more serious all at the same time and b) April is the most serious potential partner during the "present" of Company, which would be an interesting wrinkle considering the time period and Bobby's arc.

And, obviously, the various degrees of closetedness would make act 2 really hit. First with the "homosexual experience scene" - in my head Bobby would be implied to be the most closeted with Peter and Susan, so the fact that Peter's implied to have discussed his gayness with Susan and stayed partners-in-some-respects after the divorce would be wild in terms of Bobby's perception of his friendships with not just them but all the couples. The idea that he might be able to be more emotionally open with all his friends due to the rapidly changing attitudes of the time period and his own misreading of his friends is both devastating, because maybe he didn't have to feel so "alone, not alive" this whole time, but also liberating. Bobby admitting that he has Had A Homosexual Experience goes from kind of a gag to one of the linchpins of his arc.

In my head the Joanne scene after "Ladies Who Lunch" would combine both the OG (better) version of that scene and the 2020 Cuck Me version of that scene. Like,,, if he's been implied to be the most out to Joanne and Larry, combining the two would work - hell, rejig it to be a "hey, want to be poly with us?" kind of thing if that suits your vibe. If the Homosexual Experience scene is a breakthrough in regards to platonic intimacy in this version, the Taking Care scene can be a breakthrough in regards to romantic intimacy, where Bobby finally discovers what he wants in a committed romantic relationship, finally less afraid of what opening up would mean in all aspects of his life. And then he sings "Being Alive".

Idk, I'd have to really work on it irl to figure out exactly how it would work, but I think it would be interesting.

[rebirthdinosaurs]

i want married! platonic stobin. i want some corporate jobs! steddie. i want a fic where steve runs a company under his familys name or smthn and eddie gets a job there and develops a crush on the office cutie and himbo boss man steve harrington, only for him to figure out that he’s married (”of course hes married”) and in a really healthy relationship with some lady named robin. i want him to meet robin at corporate party and realize “oh this is a lesbian” (because steve is bi and really good at accidentally putting up a straight persona at work, and all of steves flirthing tactics go right over this mans head, but a gay recognizing a lesbian is instant). i want eddie to derail and jump to conclusions and think that robin is just using steve as some coverup and a money bag and obviously poor heterosexual himbo steve has zero clue as to whats going on. 

i want robin and steve to invite eddie over for dinner one day only for him to see a couple of their wedding photos of them in semi formal clothing like their dressed for prom, both in suit, and max contact a hug or a kiss on the cheek. maybe one is robin sitting down with steves head in her lap. (the were half tempted for steve to wear a wedding dress, and robin to wear a tux, but decided it wasnt very subtle. i would love a fic that is just about them trying and sorta failing to have a very heteronormative wedding but they just cant help themselves, can they?)

along the way, they become friends, eddie introduces them to his best friend, chrissy, and eddie is eventually told that steve and robin married as a safe way to conceal their complete gayness from the homophobic agenda (around the same time, before or after, he figures out that robin and chrissy are totally crushing on each other. eddie and chrissy eventually marry with the arrangement that they can be safe and date their neighbors steve and robin under the guise of steve and eddie and chrissy and robin just being “bestfriends” instead of completely and totally gay for one another.   

[balkanradfem]

So I wrote about my fun with fall chores, but left out another important aspect of my life; losing my mind without laptop or internet. Even though I'm usually not online a lot, I would at least have all my nancy drew games, stardew valley, and a whole lot of podcasts and audiobooks to listen to at my disposal. Now, nothing.

I had a song stuck in my head and couldn't listen to it. It was devastating. Then I remembered, my ancient little phone actually could function as a radio, if I put headphones in. And the song I wanted, sometimes played on the radio. So off I went to listen to the radio!

Radio music is awful and horrible. I fail to understand how anyone can listen to so many aggressively heterosexual songs. I was dying by the time Chappell Roan came on. At one point, I kid you not, Blurred lines played! I yelled and shut down the radio and then continued yelling. In 2024???

It took me a day to realize that my phone actually had a record button. Which meant I could record music and then just have it permanently saved on it. I was both delighted and hit with nostalgia. I haven't pirated a song by recording it from the radio in 20 years. I remember doing it on my cassette player as a kid! And now my phone had the pre-installed ancient piracy tool. They used to make such good stuff.

I had to listen to radio for 2 days to get my two lesbian songs and to finally get the song stuck in my head (it was Too Sweet. I'm basic shut up). I made a playlist and called it gay and was finally free from the radio. Even though wanting to listen to a song and then waiting for 2 days for it to come on on the radio is such a pre-internet struggle, the joy when it finally came on was incredible. I was squealing jumping woooing laughing. It was almost like a quest in a video game; the more effort it takes, the stronger the satisfaction. 

I realized how isolated and small I felt without the internet, just listening to the radio. Every person I know here is heterosexual, and I found myself cut off from community, it became difficult to feel normal. Listening to a lesbian song on the radio was all I had; I knew other gay people were listening, it was a joint activity. I wasn't all alone.

I sometimes wonder if the straight people are hearing it and if they understand what its about. I remember when 'Take me to church' played in the car, I would scan everyone's faces carefully, to see if they understood, if they agreed, if they knew that was anti homophobia playing on the radio. But there was never a reaction. I would then remember that most people here don't speak english, and even if they understood a few words, they don't bother to understand a song from the radio. It's fully possible they're listening 'Hot to go' imagining its a heterosexual song, regardless of how funny that is. Imagine a woman writing a song to get a guy to sleep with her. In what world. 

Looking back, most of my internet endeavors were about finding gay stuff online, first it was gay anime, then fanfiction, and then I got drawn to tumblr in the era where gayness was celebrated and strongly encouraged. I felt safe here! And that was all before I even knew I was a lesbian. And now I wonder, is it endlessly painful and unsurvivable to be a lone gay person without any community? If I waited two days next to a radio to get a gay song, if I used any access to information just to find the writings and media made by gay people, it must be vital like the air to me. When I'm here I feel normal only because I'm exposed to the thoughts and feelings of other gay people, and I know you're reading mine. Without you I'd be lost.

[m3r1m4r5u333]

Just a long ramble about how sad and unwell Eddie is

Aaargh this isn't the first time I post something like this but. Every time I think about Eddie's slide into insanity after Buck came out. I CAN'T DEAL.

It's just so... Tragic. And funny. And sad. And funny, okay!

But also so fucking tragic!

Because I feel like the fall into this madness is him, being pushed from two directions over the edge. It's Eddie, still missing, mourning, loving Shannon... And not ever really taking a moment to process his grief, and truly face and accept her death.

And the push over the edge is also about Eddie, clearly being in love with Buck, having already pined for years, hopelessly, alone... and then learning that Buck is into men, just not into Eddie (or so Eddie concludes).

Because I fully believe Eddie really had NO IDEA that Buck likes men,

Nope, he had spent years watching Buck run after women, endless women, he has watched him flirt, date, have affairs, confess love, casually try to count the thousands of women he's been with and not being even able to remember...

And Buck never dated even one man.

And it wasn't like Buck was homophobic, clearly he's an ally, keeps posting about his support, is close friends with queer people...

So Eddie thinks it couldn't be just repression or homophobia or ignorance either.

No, Eddie thought Buck just liked women, and if Eddie ever thought there was a flirty moment between them two... then clearly it was just Eddie, and his overly active imagination. It was just his hope talking.

So Eddie squished that hope, to protect himself. He crushed it utterly. Eddie hammered into his skull the painful knowledge that Buck is straight, and that path is a dead end.

So it didn't matter that Eddie had realised that Buck is beautiful in any light, even in the dark. It was a dead end.

And so years went by and Eddie had resigned to his fate which was that he was

pining after a straight man.

Yea it was sad, and hopeless, but so what. That was simply the hand he'd been given. He would cope.

So Eddie made himself see the world as it was, he killed his hope, he internalized this idea, Buck being straight so thoroughly...

That when the idea actually proved out to be wrong..?

Eddie couldn't at first even process the concept, of Buck being into men!!!

No, when Buck told him about having been on a date with another MAN....

Eddie's brain just latched onto Tommy's gayness first...

because at least that idea was safe, comprehensible,

that idea was something Eddie could approach, digest. It was a surprise but it wasn't his reality warping.

Unlike the news of Buck's bisexuality...

which was a mad, bizarre idea,

a freaking MASSIVE PARADIGM SHIFT,

something that couldn't be true,

a concept that had Eddie's universe tilting!!

So Eddie ignored the freaking tooth fairy introducing himself, and wrapped his brain around something that sounded SANE first, Tommy's gayness, and then...

When his brain finally started believing his ears, and his mind started whirring,

when he finally got it....

He went:

Wait...

You TWO...?!

And he was fucking floored.

Really, when Eddie says "Okay",

to acknowledge this news...

he's fucking SHAKING,

eyes wide in shock,

His voice is all wonky!!!

He's shocked, he's shaken...

Because for a brief moment...

he exists in a world in which Buck could love him back!!

Because he's realising that after all these years....

Of him,

hopelessly staring at Buck, with no hope,

watching him date a woman after woman... And just quietly pining...

It turns out....

Maybe there is a chance?

After all, he's been wrong to assume the idea of them two is impossible,

because turns out that all this time Buck HAS been into men, too...?

Maybe...?

But oh.

No, he's being stupid again, feeling hope.

It's a trap. There is no hope, Eddie realises.

Any hope is a fever dream.

Because Buck is talking about Tommy. About how much he likes Tommy.

WHICH MEANS...

THAT BUCK'S SEXUALITY...

DOES.

NOT.

MATTER.

WILL. NOT. MATTER.

Yep, this news is irrelevant.

Because Eddie still has no hope.

Because this news just makes everything worse.

... Because this is not a chance.

This is Eddie, being crushed under a truck.

This just makes it clear how hopelessly unrequited Eddie's feelings are, have always been, will always be.

Because this just makes it clear that Eddie can never exist on Buck's radar.

No, it doesn't even matter that Buck likes men...

Because clearly, he still doesn't want Eddie.

No, Buck never looked back, it was all imagination,

he's still not doing that even though Eddie now knows that Buck likes men, too,

and Eddie is right there, has been all along.

But it doesn't matter.

Buck is still not interested.

He has found someone else.

Sounds serious about someone else.

Yes, Buck likes men, and still dismisses Eddie.

Which just leaves one explanation...

that the problem here isn't Eddie's gender, the reason why he is alone with these feelings isn't his gender. No, it never was.

It's not his body, Buck likes men.

So it's just.... Eddie, then, right?

He is the problem. Something about who he is just clearly doesn't catch Buck's interest, makes him uninteresting.

That must be what makes Eddie unappealing? Not what he looks like, not him being a man... but who he is. He is Eddie, and something about that makes Buck go "no, not him."

Yes, the problem is Eddie. He drove Shannon away, too, right. There is just something wrong with him, that makes people leave.

No, there is no hope.

He must just be utterly unlovable to Buck.

And so...

All hope just goes crashing down.

Down.

Down.

Crashing.

And Eddie quickly puts on a mask... and pretends.

This is fine.

Yes. This is fine. Nothing has changed. Business as usual.

I'll deal. Yes.

This doesn't change a thing between us. Okay? 👍

Yes. 🔥THIS IS FINE.🔥

I can deal. I have a girlfriend, don't I?

And if that's not enough.

That's fine, too! Maybe something else will come along and save me from this pain, something just as magical as Buck. Yeah. Any day now.

Something will drown out this horror, something just as big and beautiful, and magical.

He'll find someone he loves just as deeply. Who will love him back.

So here's how it goes:

I'm fine. This is fine. Yep.

.... Nevermind I will find someone like youuuu.

I wish nothing but the best for yoouuu twoooo....

...

...

...

Oh.

I... I'm saved.

I've found someone.

I'm safe.

I've found someone like him. Just as huge, lovely, I've found a great love.

I know it.

It's Shannon. Of course it's Shannon. It must be Shannon.

Shannon and Buck are the magical ones.

And she never really died, did she?

I never really believed that.

So now I've found her again.

She was just hiding. Here she is!

It's Shannon, it's my dead wife, hiding under a fake identity.

Because I'm okay.

Because nothing has changed and I am fine, and this discovery,

Buck's bisexuality?

It doesn't hurt me, can't hurt me. I have something just as good, I have love again.

Ha, this discovery is a ✨🕺DISCO🕺✨

It doesn't hurt.

I'm happy.

I'm not seeing a ghost. This may seem mad but it's not, it's all fine, normal because she isn't dead, she isn't a ghost. Of course she isn't.

She's real, she's Shannon. Just in disguise. Hiding. Running from something maybe. But I'll make her feel safe, coax her out of hiding.

This was always meant to happen. She ran but she came back and now I've found her again.

And this is real. She isn't dead. I'm not seeing things. This is real. She isn't dead.

This has nothing to do with Buck dating Tommy.

This isn't my mental health cracking, right after Buck came out and started dating another man.

And I found out that I am unlovable and that there is no hope in this world.

No, the world is a happy place, full of love.

....

So. I think that's the scenery inside Eddie's dream land.

Nope, Eddie is not spiraling... After never really processing his grief and admitting that Shannon is truly gone.

After years of watching Buck date women, watching Buck not even being able to count how many women he's been with,

Eddie just helplessly finding him beautiful in any lighting, probably even in pitch fucking black...

Eddie is not crashing after being hit with the cruel knowledge that the world is just a sharp painful place, that Eddie cannot ever find love, he will always be alone and unlovable

and everyone he loves leaves...

Yes, Eddie is fine. He has already moved on. So very moved on, that he's now dating TWO women.

And if one of them is a ghost then... If one of them is his dead wife, walking again.

Then there's nothing wrong with him. He's fine. There is love in his life, isn't there? Shannon loved him.

Loves him.

She's even sending coded messages about their time on the beach together by showing him the beach scented candles.

It's her. Eddie isn't alone. He's loved. He has love.

No, nothing has changed.

I am just suddenly seeing my dead wife again. I am fine.

[nekohime19]

Heart behind the lie # 59 : burning city

The team follow the compass and reach a city in the desert!

“So what are we gonna do to get out?” Asked Mei, she looked up at the sealed off slit and narrowed her eyes. One of her hands sneaked on her sword's hilt, ready to unsealth it. The storm's rumble quieted some time ago but the slith was still sealed off by a thick layer of sand. Their only source of light was the wavering flame of a makeshift campfire, the flame's shadows were dancing in the darkness. 

Wukong chuckled at her eagerness to cut their way out of here, but he didn't really want to be buried by the rocks her slash would dislocate. Luckily, before he could even intervene, Macaque drew his bow, pulled the string as far as possible, and released an arrow up. The arrow cut the very air and tore the layer of sand covering their heads, creating a new slit. The operation was smooth. So much in fact that very little rocks fell on their heads. Wukong whistled, impressed 

“I didn't know you knew your way around a bow.” Chuckled the great sage. He glanced at his moon with a teasing look. He knew Macaque was good with weapons in general, but still his mastery even with weapons he wasn't familiar with never failed to impress him. Macaque tucked the bow on his back, he rolled his eyes at Wukong's teasing but the uplift curl of his lips betrayed his true feelings. 

“The target wasn't moving.” Shrugged Macaque, severely downplaying what he just did. Wukong was about to tease him further but he was interrupted by a cough from the dragon girl. The great sage turned towards the teenager and sweatdropped at her smirk. 

“All this gayness is sweet but we still need to get out.” Snorted Mei. 

Wukong scratched his neck in embarrassment. He whistled and Nimbus immediately heeded his call. They settled on the cloud and safely made it out of the ruins. The sun glared at them the second they made it out, not even willing to grace them with a shred of kindness. Red Son took the lead, compass in hand, and they delved further in the sandmade furnace. 

After hours of walking, the golden-furred monkey was beginning to lose hope. Everything around them was nothing but sand, sand and more sand. The sun was slowly wanning, disappearing behind the endless dunes. Soon, the night would fall, freezing all in its wake. His breath was already starting to crystallize in white puffs. Luckily, Sock was by his shoulder to keep him somewhat warm. 

“There is a city.” Stated Red Son, Wukong perked up. He approached the Bull's son and peeked from his shoulder and, indeed, a city laid a few lis ahead of them. 

It seemed almost too good to be true. For a moment Wukong wondered if they were hallucinating. The city was imposing. It protruded from the sand with pride, rising against the dunes. It was filled with all sorts of lights and clamor, shining like a spark in the dead of winter. On top of the tallest building was hung a scarlet flag proudly disclosing a burning sun. Wukong looked down at the compass clutched in the fiery boy's hands. The needles were undoubtedly pointing at the city. 

“Let's just hope that it's not a demons’ den.” Sighed Tang. 

“With our luck Tangy, it's probably worse than that.” Snorted Mei, Wukong couldn't even argue with her, they certainly had what could be called rotten luck. 

“Legoo!” Cheerfully laughed MK, he easily took the lead and approached the city. Wukong frowned, the smell of ashes was even more pungent, as if the city was basking in it. The great sage shared a look with his warrior, Macaque nodded. They needed to stay cautious. 

The city was boiling with excitement. Torches were shining in every corner, encompassing the serpentine streets in a scarlet glow, ribbons of different colors were hung on the balconies, swaying by the night breeze. Stalls of colorful spices were lining up the streets, their smells so strong it eclipsed, if only for a moment, the disturbing scent of ashes. The inhabitants were cladded in clothes, so much that it was impossible to see a shred of their skins. They went and left as they pleased, their scarfs fluttering in their wake. The compass was wavering since they entered, as if hesitating. 

“Well, I told you guys the compass would lose precision since we don't know the Jeweler name nor their appearances.” Sighed Red Son, he tucked the compass in, seeing as it was rendered almost useless. 

“Time to employ the good old ways.” Hummed Wukong. He looked around in search of something, his eyes brightened at the sight of a tarven. If one wanted information, heavily frequented places like taverns were the best. Wukong opened the door and walked over to the countertop, his teal veil obscured much of his face so he wasn't very nervous. Plus Sock was there for emotional support. Not that he was usually nervous… Alright, maybe crowded spaces freaked him out a little, especially when he had to speak up BUT only a little. The others followed suit behind him. 

The barman seemed quite tempered, not very warmongering-like, perfect! “So, huh, have you heard of a Jeweler coming here?” The barman stopped wiping his glass and glanced at Wukong. It was subtle, but for a second the great sage swore he saw a shadow pass on the man's good natured face, but it disappeared so soon he doubted himself. 

“I don't think so.”Hummed the barman. Wukong faltered a little, well, he didn't really know how to go after this. Should he just order something? Was it rude to ask for information and leave without buying anything? 

“We're going to have two beers.” Chimed Macaque as he put one hand on Wukong's shoulder. The golden-furred monkey calmed down, ah, his savior. 

“And one fruit juice!” Hummed Mei. 

“Two.” Added MK, he then looked at Red Son and corrected himself “Three.”

“Plus one tea, a green one.” Smiled Sandy. 

“Make that three teas.” Sighed Pigsy. 

After that, they all settled around a table. They went around to ask about the Jeweler but none of the customers had an answer. For some reason Wukong couldn't shake off the feeling that they hid something, but it's not like he could grab a stranger and shake them till he got a proper answer. 

“It's going to take forever.” Groaned Mei as she slurped her juice. Wukong sighed. He took a sip of his beer and lamented. They didn't have that much time. If push came to shove he was willing to employ more radical ways. He groaned in delight. He dreamed of a fresh drink when he was walking under the sun's glare. 

“They're suspicious.” Mumbled Macaque, a frown on his face. He was leaning on the table, swaying his glass of beer. Wukong thought he looked good under the city's red lights, the moonlight slipped through the window and kissed his face just right. But it wasn't really the time for dallying was it? Wukong brought his glass to his lips and took a sip. He could flirt later. When the mood was right. 

A group of guards entered the tarven, they were cladded in fireproof leather, the city's insignia drawn on their chest. They had silver vambraces on their forearms, carved with battling phoenixes. Scimitars were hanging from their waist, curved like a beast's smile. They seemed quite lively, chattering among themselves without a care in the world. They settled near the team's table, sprawled around like a bunch of napping lions. Wukong lended an ear to their conversation. Often than not, when soldiers were patrolling so freely, it was most likely because the city was faced with some sort of troubles. 

“I can't take it anymore, I hope Lady Wan hurries up.” Sighed one of the guards, they lowered the scarf covering their face just enough to take a sip of their glass. 

“We could just take the brat, then she'll have no choice but to comply.” Huffed another guard, several nodded at their input, seemingly agreeing. 

“The chief promised to not touch the kid.” Chimed one smaller guard, his voice quieter than the other. 

“What good are promises when we are out of time? Besides, the kid is one of them.” The last word was spewed as if it was not even worthy to be on their tongue. Wukong didn't know who exactly the guards were referring to, but whoever they were, they offended them greatly. 

“Damn puppeteers don't deserve mercy.” All the guards laughed at the curse and raised their mugs. The rest of the conversation lulled with the alcohol and Wukong stopped his eavesdropping. He didn't learn much but still he committed the names to memory, perhaps they would serve later. 

The tavern also served as an inn, so they paid for three rooms (with Pigsy's money) and spent the night upstairs. The room was simple yet welcoming. Both beds were dressed in red, separated by a narrow space barely allowing a bed table to squeeze in. An oil lantern was put on the bed table. It wasn't something Wukong was expecting to see but he didn't mind those old fashioned vibes. It was… homely, in its own way. Macaque was sharing the room with him, courtesy of the drawing lots the team did earlier (he heavily suspected it was rigged by the kids, especially since the dragon-girl winked at him before he could even draw his straw). 

Wukong put Sock down, she stretched and pawed at his bed, once she was comfortable she settled on the sheets like she owned them. Not that Wukong minded her. In fact, he was too busy looking at his roommate to mind his cat's manners. Macaque was removing his weapons, he aligned them neatly on the wall facing the beds, making sure they wouldn't fall during the night. Then he slowly removed his scarf, letting it fall on his shoulders. Wukong watched how the red cloth fell with rapt attention. It was almost hypnotizing to see parts of black fur being so slowly revealed. Macaque was wearing a long sleeved purple shirt with a V collar, Wukong's gaze immediately zeroed in on the V. He couldn't really help himself. The fur there looked so soft, so tempting. The great sage's fingers twitched. His breath hitched, caught in his throat. 

“Are you actually checking me out?” Snorted Macaque. He turned around and cocked one eyebrow up. Wukong choked on his own spit, he was glad he didn't remove his teal veil yet, at least it hid his flushing face. 

“What? Me? No.” Nervously laughed the golden-furred monkey. Macaque looked like he didn't believe him but he didn't push the subject further and went to his own bed. The great sage felt utterly stupid. Why was he acting like an inexperienced maiden blushing from one glance of skin? Yes, he didn't have any experience, but he shouldn't be so affected by the slightest glimpse of the other's body, should he? 

It was almost scary to feel this unfamiliar heat stirring in his stomach. He didn't know how to handle it. How to act on it. He knew he was attracted to Macaque. It didn't take a genius to figure it out. But he repressed his feelings for so long, now that they emerged, he felt… lost. At first, shy brushes of lips were enough to appease his shriveled heart, but now… Now desires sprouted and he longed for more. And it scared him because he wasn’t familiar with what those desires included. He wasn't familiar with intimacy. In fact, he had been guided far from any thoughts regarding bodies during his pilgrimage. The desire of the flesh wasn't allowed in buddhism. Lust was as unfamiliar for him as a far away star. He knew it existed. He could see it. He could feel it. But he didn't fully understand it. 

A small part of his heart even felt guilty to even feel something other than love. To feel lust.

Wukong sighed, he removed his veil and looked up at the room's ceiling. He shouldn't torture himself with those kind of thoughts. The great sage turned towards his moon. Macaque eyes were already closed, curled around his precious scarf. Wukong smiled at the cute sight, he turned off the lamp and gathered Sock in his arms. The lil lady let herself be manhandled. She was quite used to it after all. The golden-furred monkey nosed his cat's russet fur and closed his eyes. 

Hoping tomorrow will be better. 

It wasn't better. 

He was woken up by a violent hubbub. Wukong groaned. He dived deeper in Sock's fur, hoping to escape the thundering noise, in vain. The great sage rubbed the slumberish tears gathering at the corner of his eyes and glanced at the room's window. Macaque was already leaning over the windowsill, all geared up. The noise probably woke him up earlier. 

“What's going on?” Asked Wukong, his voice was cavernous, lethargic. He slowly dragged himself out of the bed and peeked from Macaque’s shoulder. 

“Don't know. The guards are arguing with a kid.” Hummed Macaque. Wukong narrowed his eyes, everything was still a bit blurry but he managed to recognize the city guards' uniforms. A kid, more specifically a fluffy snow-white lamb, was arguing with them. Wukong was about to awe at the kiddo's appearances, truly because it was adorable-

“Fuck you, you pompous assholes. I don't have time for your bullshit, let me see her!” Shouted the lamb, their voice dripping with venom. Wukong raised an eyebrow… Well, the kid got fire at least? 

“Stay here. I'll see what's going on.” Sighed Macaque he leaped out of the window and approached the commotion. Wukong would have been impressed if he wasn't still in the clutch of drowsiness. The great sage intently observed his moon. Macaque engaged with the guards, but before he could truly do anything one of them lifted his hand, ready to strike the kid they were arguing with. The sight was like a bucket of cold water. It instantly woke him up. Luckily, his moon intervened and pushed the guards away with a swing of his spear. A ripple of shadow magic oozed from the blade. 

The guards’ eyes widened, they glared at the spear, their expressions darkening with fury. Wukong was only able to hear fragments of what they said, (they weren't loud enough to be clearly heard) something about “puppeteers” and a “cursed clan”. But before the great sage could leap off the balcony and intervene the kid tugged at Macaque's sleeve and dragged him into a shadow portal. Disappearing with him in a flurry of darkness. 

Wukong sweatdropped. 

Fuck.

Ch1 / Previous / Next

[thebroccolination]

TICKET TO HEAVEN THOUGHTS

When I was growing up in the States in the nineties, most—if not all—of the queer media I watched was centered around Christian homophobia. Like, I still can’t see the term “gay panic” as a cutesy fandom term because I know it as a defense used by homophobes on trial for murdering queer people. A defense that worked.

Most of the queer-centric TV shows and movies I watched when I was growing up had some flavor of, “Hello! I am gay and ashamed because of Christian people specifically! I will probably die at the end of this!” and as a result I am tiiiired.

I also went to Catholic schools for my entire education, including university, so when I say I’ve spent half of my life so far submerged in the Vat of Christian Homophobia, I’m not being hyperbolic. As a personal rule, I avoid Christian homophobia in stories. Writing it, reading it, consuming it in any form. I’ve experienced what feels like every possible angle of “I’m gay” “nAUUUU but GOD” and I don’t know if I have it in me to try out another one.

So it may not be surprising to you at this point to hear that when I saw the teaser for GeminiFourth’s upcoming project, I felt a visceral revulsion to it.

I am intrigued because it’s not American Christian homophobia, but as we all know, colonialism pushed that shit globally, so it was often present even in the international media I watched for a long time. A big, big part of what appeals so strongly to me about Thai queer media is that it’s an escape from Christian bigotry. (It’s also part of what made living in Japan feel so safe to me. Homophobia is alive and well there, but the source is more nebulous and less laser-focused on God and Hell and all that noise.)

It’s going to be interesting to see how younger people born in the States react to Ticket to Heaven, because a lot of U.S. Americans in interfandom who were born after the I Killed Him Because His Icky Gayness Made Me Go Temporarily Insane Your Honor days won’t have the same type of deep-seated trauma I do. Like, those born in the Obama era grew up with a very different USA than the one I did, and got to experience the passing of marriage equality in their early youth. They probably aren’t as exhausted to screaming of sinister, hostile Christian homophobia in queer media as I am.

All this to say, I’m less interested in the actual story than I am in Aof’s personal experiences with this brand of homophobia and people’s reactions to the series once it’s on air. It’s an impressively impactful series to get so early on, and I’m sure Gemini and Fourth will do a fantastic job with it.

I may end up watching it after it’s finished, but as of now, the thought of reliving the bigotry of my formative years couldn’t be less appealing.