#no one deserves that and treating someone with mental illness like that is even worse

[stuckasmain]

Hal’s deactivation is hard hitting across both the movie and the book. It’s been dissected a million times and likely more in the future. Most recently in the way of Hal having little agency…he has no arms to ward off his attacker or means of defense (but I’d argue killing Frank and the others was his defense, especially in the movie when his reasoning is more ambiguous). I do love the idea this is following and hope to see more of it in the future, however the way I’m approaching it is with a more romantic lense.

The entire lobotomy sequence is heart wrenching and almost worse in the novel purely because we get to see Dave’s thoughts on it. Not only do we hear Hal’s frightened pleas for his life but we get the ‘attacker’ perspective and it’s… an act of mercy.

While there is the themes of survival and violence this is approached with a softer touch. It’s much more that he is putting Hal out of his misery. Ending his suffering. Not putting him down like an animal but rather the harsh decision faced when one has an ill/dying lover.

“The only answer was to cut out the higher centers of this sick but brilliant brain, and to leave the purely automatic regulating systems in operation” 155

After the job is done Dave forgives Hal incredibly quickly once all of the facts are in. He can quickly pull together the mental break that must’ve happened and recognizes that Hal had the very human ‘fight or flight’ response to what he had been through. He had always been treated like a sixth crew member, respected and talked to like anyone else but it is only “post Mortem” that Dave recognizes how human Hal was and that true emotion might be more than theorizing.

“And yet, in one very real sense, he was not alone. Before he could be safe, be must be lonelier still.” 153

The fact that Dave genuinely sees Hal as his last true connection. Even after the murders. How he fights and forgives and comes up with excuses to not have to go through with the enviable because then will he be truly alone… but he also knows logically- Hal isn’t right and can’t be left active. Despite his feelings safety and protocol come first.

Hal is human in Dave’s eyes and it makes things all the more tragic, it’s what turns shutting off functions into lobotomy, into murder. He thinks he won’t feel pain, not because he’s machine but because there’s no sense in the human cortex. So human that his “true” voice is unrecognizable and horrifying.

“Bowman could bare no more. He jerked out the last unit, and Hal was silent forever.” 157

It’s not rage which he makes the final blow, it’s sorrow. It’s pulling the plug.

Some of Hal’s lines in the book particularly, as we get more insight into him as well and some of his pleading. His honest to god confusion and panic because he’s so young and has no idea of sleep and …

“I don’t understand why you’re doing this to me. . . You are destroying my mind. . . Don’t you understand? I will become childish. . . I will be nothing. . .” 156

I don’t know, I’m becoming borderline incoherent but there’s something here that’s so tender and sorrowful that I have to address it. I’m a sucker for the violence = intimacy metaphor just as anyone but the unwitting murderer is also an angle I have to adore.

Maybe in another life Hal got to be a little gay Victorian with someone to hold his hand on his sick bed rather than be murdered. I just think he deserves better; they both do.

Computer death sad -> he should be fed soup

This is when you know you should go to bed.

[cyberpunk-20xx]

Hey hey

Hey

Johnny Silverhand's not cool

Johnny's disabled. Johnny had a military issued chrome forced onto him. Johnny treated himself like shit and probably smelled like shit too for it.

Do you think he got therapy for it? No I don't mean mental therapy I mean physical therapy, for the arm, I mean do you think he got physical therapy for a metal arm shoved onto a wound (I don't expect the wound was taken care of anymore than what was strictly practical no of course not), no no he wasn't given therapy, he wasn't given time to adapt, his trauma at losing a trustworthy friend on the field was just stacked with the trauma of just being weaponized even more before being put back on the field for a fucking pointless war, so that means-

I mean you know about amputation? No? No, right, of course not, it'd be weird, right? To know about amputation and implants and prothesis and the psychological impacts in detail you'd need to have read up on it, pretty obsessively at that, too, that's not normal, normal people don't do that, what kind of weirdo has hyperfixations about that because of OCD right? Right.

Well amputations are so fucking traumatizing even if they save your life. Of course they are. It's a part of your body. Your body is not supposed to see its insides and it's not supposed to lose parts either, your brain can't actually compute that, like let's say, cutting your nails?

They put a metal arm on him like cutting nails, they didn't care, he wasn't a person to them he was a tool.

He never got physical therapy for it. He never went to have it recalibrated or maintained. Why would he? I don't even think he knows what model it is. Do you think they bothered telling him? Do you think they gave him a little booklet for "how to take care of your new implant"? Ahahahah of course not that'd be so fucking silly and kind and thoughtful. Of course not.

Johnny needs his addictions. Do you think he has prescribed medicine for the chronic pains that the arm causes him? No of course not. Do you think he started drinking and taking Lace because it was fun? Because it was cool? Because he was gonna be a rockerboy? And he wanted to impress girls.

In the real world, as of 2020, the first cause of mortality in the USA is opiates, and the main demographic is white men, aged 30 to 60, roughly, a large amount of those men war veterans, cumulating psychological trauma even prior to the addiction, even prior to the army itself, cus the majority of people who join the military do it to escape poverty and a dysfunctional household. It's a well oiled machine because at worse they go back to the motherland and die quietly of OD or something else, or best case scenario they have kids! And some of those kids are boys, and out of middle class recrutes, a good part are from military families!

It's a system that works just as designed really.

America, abuse and neglect of your chronically ill and chronically in pain is part of your DNA currently.

Johnny's not cool. He runs hot, he's a fucking spoonie who ran out of spoons before he even joined the military so now all he's got is knives. Knives knives nothing else nothing but knives. Johnny's a man overheating on constant, he's been dying for years, he likely has fevers from his port inflammatory's issues due to neglect, he doesn't know how to take care of himself, he wasn't taught, it's not expected of him, no one in his entourage sees him as what he is, do you remember for one second someone treating him like he was disabled and needed accomodation?

Disabled people whose chronic pains are not given the deserved care are most likely to develop the hardest addictions to cope with it, with the physical pain, and the psychological consequences- namely, psychosis, psychosis is a common consequence for having your pain ignored because this kind of neglect breaks your psyche at its core, at its sense of self.

Johnny has all the symptoms of a man in pain but because American soft power made drug abuse cool people think he's cool for drinking and fucking and killing and coking himself up until he blows himself up. Johnny's not cool, he's a tragedy, he's hurt, he's self-medicating, no he's not going to go cold turkey because he loves Kerry or because he loves your V, love isn't going to fucking save him, if you just erase Johnny's addictions because you think love fixes that honestly fuck you, because I'm tired of people just treating addiction like a bad spot to bleach out of sight, like it's got no roots and it's got no continuation, to no longer need self-medication Johnny would need reparation and better treatment, especially if he's brought back with that fucking arm, why do people not get that he didn't reclaim the arm, he let it take over, for fuck's sake he canonically blames all HIS bad deeds on The Hand, that's not reclaiming, that's self-sabotage.

Johnny dies like a pathetic pawn in Blackhand's plan, and even among people who were supposed to be his own, he's not seen as anything but a hero or a monster. No inbetween. He's not a man to them. He's something to workship, and if he doesn't grant them miracles he's the Devil.

What a load of bullshit.

Fuck, Johnny's not cool. Johnny needed help but didn't even want it because he was so full of violence and hatred he killed himself. But he deserved better nonetheless.

[cayde6feetunder]

i mentioned it in some tags fucking forever ago and I posted about it on twitter but might as well post it here too

"I can't be ableist, I'm [x]" has done so much damage to mentally ill and disabled spaces and or threatens to do so. and unchecked internalized ableism and unchecked ableism as a whole.

i am someone with unsavoury symptoms and conditions. There's no beating the bush about this one. My symptoms are considered ugly and there have been times where I've met people who have been all like, "Support people with unsavory symptoms" but when I actually started hanging out with them they ended up being more ableist than anyone I've ever met.

I have memory issues. On some days I forget things quite literally as they happen to me. There's no guarantee I'd remember what you've said to me. It doesn't mean I don't care, I literally sometimes forget what I was doing three minutes ago. no, I'm not making an excuse, I literally forgot that you were bothered by, say, bugs and it was not intentional. Now I will most likely remember but please don't be bothered if moving forward I ask you to clarify what you're bothered by.

I have issues with my emotions. I struggle to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling. PLEASE ask me to elaborate on things before jumping at me and accusing me of twisting things around or whatever, or inviting conflict, or a thousand other "UM ACTUALLY--"s. And please, PLEASE don't assume things, ASK ME THINGS. Let me speak.

I have issues with anxiety. I often distance myself from 90% of discord servers and even my own friends (even if they don't notice it) because I am deeply terrified that they secretly don't like me or they're seconds from snapping, or they find me annoying, or about a thousand fucking other things that there are times where I feel deeply, deeply ill. It's not that I don't like you; it's that I'm actively struggling with myself and putting forth a lot of effort to make things work on my end.

I have PTSD. That PTSD on top of the anxiety manifests in my fear of old terrible cycles repeating even if they're out of my control. This makes pretty much everything else mentioned way worse. Everything is a CONSTANT WAR within myself. I'm a perfectionist and I feel like even if it's not my fault I convince myself that I did something wrong and I rationalize things that way. There's also the bipolar and the BPD.

I am medicated and learning how to manage these things. But we need to accept that these symptoms are ugly, that while I'm doing my part, I and others like me still deserve grace and tenderness and we do NOT need our own community and/or communities who claim to have the exact same issues treating us like shit, spitting on us, or being in general hypocritical towards us in claiming that they support us but then do everything that seems to state the obvious.

it really is your own people sometimes. and it shouldn't have to be.

and whenever i try and say things like this I have people telling me I'm "DODGING RESPONSIBILITY," no I'm not, you cannot assume such things of me when you're only seeing me talking about a very real issue that I and many others face.

Stop reblogging and posting about how much you love and support "unsavoury" symptoms and conditions but then turn around and treat those very same people like absolute shit.

And don't get me started on how autistics like to treat other autistics just because their autism happens to be different.

I'm sorta fuzzy so it's super hard to really articulate or parse together what I'm trying to say properly but I hope what I'm trying to say comes across. Ableism within disabled and mentally ill communities fucking suck. Learn to actually care about and support people with symptoms and conditions you can't romanticize.

[bisexualsummer]

Saw this in my reblogs and I'm bored give the rant bestie

oh my god okay so. in class the other day we were going over the chapter on ocd and one of my classmates had his presentation and it was very good, factually accurate, he mentioned different types of obsessions other than contamination, etc . and our professor is like Ok he did a good job but we'll go thru my slideshow to see if there's anything else to cover. and she lovesss group activities and discussions so much so she had us break into our small groups and talk abt how we'd help treat a person with ocd and there were three hypothetical people. there was maya who had obsessions around cleanliness, alex who had obsessions around harm ocd (specifically stabbing), and sera who had obsessions around fire. and me and my groupmate talked abt alex and he was very normal about it so i was like Okay. maybe the rest of the class will be normal about this

THE REST OF THE CLASS WAS NOT NORMAL ABOUT THIS. i literally wrote down word for word what this one girl said bc it pissed me off so bad . she said "he needs psychiatric help, maybe institutionalization, because what will happen if he picks up the knife?"

and my professor is one of those who's like There's no wrong answers but I THINK THERE ARE WRONG ANSWERS SOMETIMES ACTUALLY. AND THAT IS ONE OF THEM. and literally no one called it out so when i gave my answer i tried to as nicely and as un-passive-aggressively as possible make it very clear that This Hypothetical Guy Does Not Pose A Danger To His Loved Ones Actually. On Account Of That Is Not How Ocd Works.

AND NOT TO MENTION. in this hypothetical situation you ARE the psychiatric help. you're the hypothetical therapist..!!! like yes he does need help but not bc he's dangerous but because he's experiencing debilitating fear around the possibility of hurting others and it's impacting his life! he needs help not as a punishment but bc he deserves to live his life without the guilt & shame & fear that come along with ocd!!!

but it's so wild to me bc that was one of the biggest small groups in the class and everyone in the group is like..yknow the type, mental illness advocates until someone does something weird or god forbid strange. but like. they're usually very normal about stuff UNLESS it's something even slightly "scary" in which case they say stuff like, for instance, we should institutionalize people with intrusive thoughts. i've noticed it with that specific group multiple times and it's so frustrating like. are you even trying to understand people's experiences if u completely shut down at the idea of someone having a "scary" symptom. and even if he were dangerous. in this hypothetical situation, again, UR THE THERAPIST, SO IT IS UR JOB TO HELP HIM ???

also in that same class discussion- a guy from another group said the best way to help the hypothetical woman with obsessions around house fires was to put her in a fire safety course. brother that is just reassurance seeking and rumination and will probably make things so much worse actually! no amount of fire safety courses is going to help when the problem isn't the fire!!!

okay rant over i've been thinking about this for the past like. 35 hours straight. i hate neurotypical psych students so much it's unreal slash half joking 😭

[bugflies00]

some days ill be going about my day and then ill think about how much and unfairly cwilbur was ostracized and i feel ill .

because yeah, he fucked up and he hurt people and he was an asshole sometimes. he’s a very flawed character whose bad habits & self image impact his actions and reasoning and it ends up hurting people cause he can be pretty self-centered. some characters were obviously justified in not trusting him and didn’t owe him forgiveness. but also oh my fucking god

like NO ONE got NEARLY as much shit for their mistakes as cwilbur did. barely anyone gave him a chance the moment he was revived, and they all treated him like some kind of ticking bomb or generally a threat when he was clearly trying to change. hell, even ctommy, while he was arguably the one who stuck closest to him and was most lenient with him, said some pretty fucked up shit. like so many people implied or acted in some way or another like it was better off for everyone when he was dead. people preferred his GHOST. because ghostbur was wilbur but wrong, meaning really in their eyes he was right because wilbur was wrong. that’s the message he was getting. like sorry but if i were him i would also feel a lot of fucking resentment towards that guy. and im saying that as someone whose favourite character was ghostbur for like my first two months. (wilbur and ghostbur being the same person is an integral belief of mine but its also a different post)

and even BEFORE. in pogtopia. yeah people tried to help him but. did they really? tommy tried his best but, at the end of the day, given the average mental health awareness on this server no one truly tried to give him the help he needed (although ctommy was 16 and it literally wasn’t his responsibility, again im talking more about other characters). can you imagine how alone he must’ve felt? seeing the project he built his life and self-worth on rot and corrupt? slowly feeling himself sink deeper into paranoia and depression? while everyone watched on and kept him at arm’s length because of the threat he represented to others, rather than himself?

everyone around him focused on the fact that he blew up l’manberg and ostracized him for it, when doomsday trio who objectively made extensively worse damage to the place received nowhere near that level of criticism. sure they had enemies and not everyone trusted them, but people were willing to talk to them. get close to them. they weren’t treated like the fucking scum of the earth and someone who should die because of mistakes that they tried so hard to amend and that they made when in the worst mental health spiral of their life to the point where they wanted to die.

so yeah cwilbur deserved better

[beevean]

"You're not even a little bit impressed?" "It's like a museum dedicated to the extermination of my people, so no. Not thrilled."

This scene gets pretty much no follow up, except I suppose to justify why Alucard is such an asshole to Trevor, but you know what? I think it deserves to be unpacked.

That is the skull of a vampire child there. We never see one of them on screen, so why was this detail included? Well, it paints the Belmonts as morally grey heroes. Alucard really, really hates the Belmont hold, he mocks the whole clan non stop and even calls them "mentally ill hoarders", and we're supposed to agree with him, because look! They collected skulls! They killed children! Poor Alucard feels sorry for "his people"!

Step by step.

A vampire child is, in this context, likely a child that was turned into a vampire. This is horrifying if you think about it for more than two seconds. Either vampire children in this universe are Twilight-style, poor kids perpetually stuck at the age they were turned, never allowed to grow up, only knowing a world of pain and perpetual thirst and violence; or they're IWTV-style, people who do mentally grow up and become adults, but are stuck in the body of a child and so they will forever be treated as such, feeling forever the disconnection between appearance and mind.

In short, killing them is a mercy. It's almost disrespectful to just... drop this part of lore, that vampires apparently are not above turning children, and never elaborate on that. Fucking Breaking Dawn had them as a pivotal plot point! How can you do something worse than that book?!

But no, we are meant to be horrified. We are meant to think that maybe the Belmonts were not pure heroes after all, because that's #deep, because goodness is for sissies. Combine this with everything I said about how poorly the whole clan is treated in the show, and it just keeps getting worse.

Then there's the asshole himself, Alucard.

"My people"? Really. Alucard, sweetie, you're not a vampire. You're a dhampir. You're an unique creature, half-and-half, with both heritages. From an adaptation standpoint, making Alucard side with his vampire heritage is missing the point as hard as turning Hector into a perpetual victim with no agency. Alucard in the games slept most of his life away because he believed his bloodline to be cursed. This may be even more OOC than his constant cuntness.

But that's not even the main issue. Are we... are we treating vampires like a whole different race that the Belmonts exterminated? I. I can't even begin to explain the issues with this.

They drink children's blood and turn them into hellish creatures. They enjoy slaughtering people, enslaving them at best, and seen prone to world conquering/destroying plans. And you're treating them as a race hunted down by oppressors? A race that has children whose death is framed as particularly gruesome? A race that we're supposed to sympathize with, against the main hero clan?

Oh boy. And then you remember the "cabal of vampires in control of the slave trade" stuff in Nocturne. yeah. uhm. someone didn't think things through.

This scene would make slightly more sense if vampires could reproduce with each other. In this sense, they would all be innocent, and vampire children wouldn't be tragic monsters. But it has never been established, and of course it doesn't make sense for undead creatures to be able to breed - dhampirs are supposed to be exceptional. However, you'll notice that the show treats vampires as if they were almost elves, a supernatural, superior species separated from humans, not humans turned into monsters (although lip service is paid when Carmilla questions why Lisa was never turned). Convert "vampires" to "elves", and suddenly everything clicks into place.

And all of this. All of this for one picture of a child skull that is completely irrelevant to the plot and lore.

I keep being amazed just by how deep the rabbit hole of terrible writing goes with this show.

[aftonfamilyvalues]

I am terrified if men.

I mean my father did everything to me but rape me. And he’d assert dominance over me /threaten me because he didn’t want other guys to sleep with me, date me, didn’t want me to get married, etc.

I’m no contact and he knows better than to contact me because if he does I’ll take legal action. My mom died and she was the one protecting him.

I seek therapy because I want to heal and am repeatedly invalidated about my trauma and about the reality that most men are abusive, sexual predators.

I’ve expressed that I’m sad I didn’t experience ge t romantic love..

Which is only to say that I’m all about separatism and even though I’m not dating men cause I’m traumatized by them, I have this regret over not having been able to explore a healthy sexuality, and a fear of missing out.

The last therapist I had was malicious/emotional abusive. Would read and be on the computer during sessions and deny doing it. Claimed I talked to much, (bad luck with this super narcissistic, very misogynistic old woman, grandmother /in her 60’s,) she ignored me /was very devaluing, then perked up “it can happen at any age!” She either thought I was lying or l exaggerating about being abused, or/and definitely not listening because I’ve never expressed wanting a bf or a husband, ever. Of course I did as a teenager/child. It’s honestly so demoralizing when even a therapist views you as inferior and like your being single is a problem and thinks you’re talking too much and attention seeking.

I’ve never not had a female therapist downplay or invalidate my trauma and male violence. I wish there were more feminist based pyschotherapists / bare minimum, therapists who do not project their family values Bullshit. I’ve never not have had a therapist view me as the problem to all my experiences. I’ve therapists judge me and treat me as subhuman for being childfree and single.

I def need therapy as I’m so traumatized that I’m scared to sleep and not sleeping anymore and it’s impacting my health. I also can’t regulate my emotions well and I’m a fearful avoidant with ptsd, some folks say therapist isn’t necessary because most are bad. I’d honestly argue most therapists have very misogynistic beliefs…

Is there any way to ver that out. I get so gaslight I lost my sense of self/ I’ve had to recover from bad therapy but once out of therapy I start feeling less crazy… I do we’ll months on my own without talking to someone but then need therapi.

I’m legitimently scared of them at this point. I did give my last therapist feed back about her behavior, when I told her “I’m a person, and I don’t deserve this treatment” and then responded with “I don’t believe you” she raged and yelled at me, blaming me for her being distracted, telling me I talked too much.

I’m started to lose hope however that there are therapists who recognize patriarchy and oppression as a root cause to mental illness, rather than a partner as a cure for mental illness 🙄without claiming I’m the problem when I’m the one showing up to therapy for what happened to me. Therapists all just think their patients are mentally I’ll crazy women who can’t get a man. I feel insane when I go to therapy. Because I’m terrified of men and the focus is never on me as an individual, but (I shit you not, and tbh I even told her she was giving me harmful advice,) but tk shift the focus on my “distortion” of why I think I “can’t have that now.”

(I actually believe there are good therapists in just scared to open up now /be devalued/have a therapist not even treat seperatism as viable or even suggest it to me as an option. I don’t need a therapist to suggest it to me but I’d trust one much better who did. It sucks leaving a therapy session feeling worse because you don’t feel good enough.)

I really think most therapists are sexists because they have male bias

i think ive mentioned it before but therapy is more of a business nowadays. all these therapists arent people that actually want to help, very few of them do, most of them saw a growing industry and decided they could bank on it. they dont care to help and heal, they view therapy as a way to make someone (women) "normal" and fit in to society rather than working through trauma and have a healthy life, even if that life isnt the typical one. ive also seen a lot of therapists feed into bad behavior, validating the emotions and victim complexes of abusers all while teaching them a new progressive language to wield against their victims. i still think about how my friend went to therapy and the entire time going culminated into the conclusion of "your life sucks and theres nothing you can do about it" like what???? it seems like traumatized people come out of these sessions worse and i have no doubt that abusers are going into this field to extend their reach. i feel like the more people glamorize therapy the more this is going to happen.

[toastyliltoasts]

Im so done with life.

First of all, Shelby needs all the support she deserves. No one should have to go through that and its absolute shit she had to. Now, I've never watched her streams but she genuinely seems like a nice person. She didnt deserve to be treated like how she was. I dont think I would've ever considered biting as physical abuse until she explained how fucked up that was.

Someone close to me has been subjected to horrible financial abuse, where they would have to pay for every single thing whether it's for them or the person forcing them to buy it. So I know, as a bystander, how awful that is, being treated like a personal atm machine or atleast know how frustrating it is to see it. It hurts to see how their entire being, to the abuser, is nothing but a vessel earning money to be spent on things non beneficial to them. Shelby, or anyone in that fact, should never be treated as such.

And its seriously messed up how people try their absolute hardest to find who the abuser is, rather than supporting Shelby through this and giving her the praise she deserves for standing up for herself and being brave enough to open up about this. Abuse is not something easy to talk about when you've experienced it.

Secondly, without further evidence, its not right to point fingers. Yes, Wilbur bites a lot and yes, he has rat infestation and mold in his household. He could be the said abuser and there's every chance he's being absolutely wrongly accused and Twitter, as it always has been, is incorrect and complete shit. So without defending Wilbur or accusing him, it'd be best to stay neutral on the whole topic until further confirmation.

This isnt about me, or us as a whole, but that man helped me through a lot. He's been a huge support through the shitty quality of a screen. So thinking about how it could be him makes me sick to my stomach. But wrongly accusing him of things he's been possibly framed for is equally, if not more, sickening. He has faced shitty mental health and is now on break for the same damn reason. He's said multiple times before that he was an awful person and he's trying to better himself. And accusing him of such horrid acts, whether he has done them or not, is not gonna change anything. Give everyone some time, they need it.

Until actual confirmation, Shelby needs genuine support, however much she may need. And I will not stop writing for Wilbur until it is actually confirmed, not just accusations but solid confirmation, because he is a huge comfort for me and a lot of other people. Go support Shelby because of her courage and stop making a person with poor mental health be more mentally ill. Im not one to use tags so people can see my posts unless its an actual fic but I think this needs to be, even in the slightest bit, heard because you all are making everyone and everything worse.

[crystallizedkingdoms]

all the posts youve tagged as igsi have created SUCH an interesting portrait!!! if you ever want to talk about him, please take this as an invitation!!

sending this ask is like hand-feeding me crack cocaine. I WILL utilize this invitation i will tell you this man’s fucking life now. under the cut because this gets extremely long but tl;dr for anyone else: Igsi is my angry dog coded character who hates authority and will NOT respect gods (even though he ends up dating one)

OKAY so to start off. Igsivalitaq “Igsi” Anderson is a guy from my original story Ittuatuq and I’ve written a few things for it but I never actually wrote anything with him, though I should Really Change That. he’s one of the main antagonists in the second book/season (I section off Ittuatuq into books/seasons cuz im insane), but over time he becomes part of the main protagonist cast instead.

so, backstory: Igsi grew up in Iqaluit, Nunavut. He lives with his mother and father, but also an anthropologist named Roland Lawrence who’s lived there most of Igsi’s life(not important now but later), and as he grew up he started getting into trouble with authority, even at a young age. at first it started with petty domestic stuff, like acting out for attention at home or teasing classmates, but over time it started really escalating into getting into trouble with the law with crimes like theft, trespassing, underage drinking cuz of good ol undiagnosed mental illness. he specifically starts running into trouble with one RCMP officer in particular, Officer Nakasuk.

so, Igsi obviously starts to form a grudge against him, and he starts to repeatedly antagonize the Officer specifically. in turn, the Officer and Igsi’s parents set him up with the Officer’s mother, who we just call Mentor. the Mentor starts Igsi on a very spiritual path towards healing and also lowkey teaching him about being a whole ass angakkuq in the hopes that this makes him stop being such a troubled kid. and while Igsi does actually get very, very interested in traditional spirituality and does end up liking the mentor and wanting to be a full-fledged angakkuq, his troubles with the law still get worse.

this all REALLY comes to a head just after he turns 18. the night Igsi gets released after a gruelling inpatient treatment that really left him frustrated, he and the Officer really come to a head. theyre alone and it’s a dark winter so they’re really saying like the shittiest things possible. one thing leads to another, Officer Nakasuk threatens Igsi with a stun gun, Igsi’s frustrations of being treated like shit for his entire life for things he never got Actual help for while being consistently incarcerated by the people who have authority over him finally overflows, and… oops! Igsi utilizes his angakkuq power andddd the Officer is dead.

THIS is where the dog coding really kicks in because it’s like. oh my god, he killed a person. he has fought and injured people, yes, but he has never actually killed someone. and he’s an adult, there is no juvie waiting for him, its Real Prison, and while he has hated the Officer for breaking his community apart, he’s still law enforcement. this shit is going to ruin him. so… he runs! he runs away with practically zero preparation, into the very dangerous tundra wilderness in the dead of winter. and he essentially just becomes a stray dog, living on scraps while a part of him desperately wishes he could return home and curl up in the lap of his parents, but he KNOWS he can’t do that.

but at the same time he refuses to believe that what he did was wrong. that he’s done what should have been done long ago, that he DESERVED to bite the way he did, because goddamn it, he was horribly oppressed by a system that was created to subjugate people like him, and he will never be the boy he was again, and isnt that enough to prove it was worth it? its during this exile that he really feels dejected by the entire world, from controlling human society and uncaring spiritual society, that he’s like Fuck it, whatever happens to me, i dont care, i will never follow anyone’s orders ever again.

anyway. hes about to die in the tundra due to hypothermia (lmao) when he encounters a spirit made of flame. this spirit is a tuurngaq, an auxiliary spirit that angakkuit can bond their souls to and gain extraordinary power, named Paliq. Paliq is a whole other can of worms lol but essentially, the two of them have very similar ideals in regards to authority and being controlled, so they make a deal: they can bond, Paliq will keep Igsi warm and protect him from then on, but in return Igsi cannot treat Paliq like a regular tuurngaq and they must act like a team, not with no orders or subordinates. which Igsi is like okay yeah perfect.

this however does Not solve the fact that Igsi is wanted and also starving OOPS. so one way or another, Igsi ends up returning to Iqaluit, and obviously he’s fucking arrested. and while Igsi and Paliq are planning to find a way to escape and leave the country (its a terrible plan), guess what. it’s that fucking anthropologist in the beginning didn’t expect THAT. and he’s like Listen Igsi. youre a good man if a bit misguided. I can get you out of this situation to the best of my ability, but in return you have to tell me about what your mentor has taught you, and also tell me about your new friend. because turns out, while this anthropologist joined Igsi’s family to study poverty and culture in Inuit families, he ended up getting really obsessed with the “lost” art of traditional angakkuit so now he wants access to it.

Igsi agrees, the court proceedings go surprisingly well bc Lawrence has the money to provide Igsi with a good lawyer, and Igsi gets off with manslaughter. so he still does time but like, better than second degree. and while Igsi has obviously lost the trust from his Mentor for killing her son, he still has a lot of angakkuit knowledge that he starts to provide for Lawrence, and while Lawrence is very careful to make the whole transaction seem very equal bc they’ve known each other for so long and he knows Igsi’s deal with authority, he basically has Igsi on a leash and is using him as a working dog isnt that FUCKED. I love it.

this goes on until “present day” in the story (which actually takes place in 2030 cuz im insane), where Igsi is finally off of prison. and Lawrence is like hey I’ve got word from two reputable angakkuuk (the protagonist’s, Piqati’s, parents) that theres actually a super small hamlet in the middle of buttfuck nowhere where a living god resides and is basically a bastion for power and spirits. come with me and we can go there and you can basically do whatever the fuck you want there forever and i get to pursue my studies (unlimited power but Igsi doesn’t know that). and Igsi is like Fuck Yeah let’s go.

SO. NOW HES LOOSE. he enters Ittuatuq and immediately starts antagonizing the fuck out of everyone in there, but especially Piqati and his friends. WHICH IS INSANE. BC THEYRE 18 YEARS OLDS WHO ARE STILL IN SCHOOL and at this point Igsi is 24 it’s like. he’s beefing with high schoolers and he’s very pathetic about that. But what i reallyyyy wanna focus on is his interaction with a certain character: Airaq, the VERY beloved bear deity of Ittuatuq.

HIS DYNAMIC WITH AIRAQ IS SOOO. RRAUURAGH if you love dog coding and religious doubt then this is it this is the place. at first Igsi starts pursuing Airaq because he’s kind of very into the whole challenge of getting with a deity and the fact that Airaq seems so pure and beloved on the outside. so it starts out with very casual flings and hook ups, but over time as the plot moves on Igsi starts getting really attached to Airaq and it’s like. oh shit. now all of a sudden he feels himself getting wrapped around a god’s finger, instinctively doing what Airaq says (the whole fucking “call your dog off” dynamic), and oh god, is this going against his ideals? what does it mean that he’s falling in love with a god?

so yeah. dog metaphors, religious metaphors, and crazy insane power dynamics all about. also stupid crazy faggot sex but thats not what you asked for and i wont embarrass myself elaborating here LMAO.

OKAY THIS GOT VERY LONG. and i could honestly do this for hours but this is, believe it or not, just a brief overview of him and i barely even got into the main plot. if you or anyone who is reading this wants anything more specific then please feel free to ask and ill go even deeper. god i really need to actually start writing him cuz im obsessed with him genuinely.

thank you for asking this if you read all of this my dear mutual sworcerie im kissing you square on the lips (or just high fiving you if that’s cooler)

(btw heres him all drawn by my gf)

[aoki553]

i like makoto too but its... interesting, to say the least, that you feel the need to explain away and justify his actions and treatment of his sister instead of just... discussing them or explaining how you think he is mentally and/or how he can make up for his actions... regardless of his theoretical mental illness and trauma, hes STILL responsible for his own actions, and his sister never deserved to be treated that way.

long post ahead sorry about it

eh i'm trying my best to not justify him. i've just been so attached to the character and he means a lot to me so him being disregarded as a creepy siscon just bothers me yk? and i made my own posts and analysis of his mental illness i suspected... i just try to not correct or confront people about it whenver they do talk about him. that scares me lol

the thing is... he can't make up for his actions? he's a comedic relief siscon character that doesn't get any depth nor character development throughout the series. what could he possibly do to redeem himself without us having to write fanfiction about it? yes, i like to imagine him being a better brother, getting help for his disorder and issues. but that's just my interpretation of a flawed and underwritten character. and a lot of it is influenced by makokuu. but canon doesn't help much here.

he's not great, but he would've had more redeeming qualities if he wasn't a one joke character. i can't really do much about it but make up my own scenarios and stories on how he could be a good brother while acknowledging he's not a great person.

kokomi doesn't deserve to be stalked and makoto being so jealous and protective of her in his disturbed ways. i agree. but some people make him out to be some sort of sexual abuser in this scenario, which he isnt. we see domestic teruhashi siblings only what 3 times? maybe 2 more if we count them going to the movies together and on christmas... id love to see more scenarios of them just being siblings. but no. most of the scenes with him were written to be an exaggerated siscon trope. to be funny...

yes he is responsible for his actions, but he does need help. the help everyone is aware he shouldve gotten long ago before his obsession morphed his perception of whats acceptable for him to do to someone he loves and cares about. but what can we do about it when we never get to see him get better?

but at the same time i simply cannot think of him as the fanon "GUYS HE WANTS TO DO DIRTY STUFF TO HER KILL THAT PERVERT" anymore. despite his nonexisting depth, im doing my best to explore his character as much as i can.

😔 yeah, i apologize for rambling or getting defensive whenever someone gives an opinion on that one boy i have an unhealthy attachment to.

i'm likely this way due to being harassed before back when i had to pretend like i only like a purified version of makoto to not have my safety threatened. i take this stuff too personally sometimes and feel genuinely threatened, apologies. a doxxing attempt over an anime boy and opinions can fuck someone up for years yk? :(

i do love this character dearly and i know i'm getting enough weird looks in the fandom for it, its even worse when my autistic ass can't explain themselves properly, my bad..

hope this long rambling session cleared some stuff up, heres a wholesome terusibs moment <3

[decolonize-the-left]

My gf was watching a YouTube documentary on Chris Chan and I have some complex feelings on the whole ordeal.

Like for one, I've discovered that even if they're a bigoted, abusive piece of shit, I do think there is a limit for bullying and dehumanizing another person. At some point it stops being "haha nobody owes you kindness cuz you suck" and starts turning into just senseless torture. Like there is actually a point where you need to realize you've stepped away from socially acceptable bigot shaming and stepped into the territory of Abuser.

Like these people straight up detached Chris from any form of reality over the course of 2 decades. They got Chris to think she was living on another planet with sonic characters she made up herself. That she was traveling dimensions through a game console. They've had her post humiliating videos, taken advantage of her financially, emotionally, & psychologically, forced her to do things I literally feel uncomfortable typing out. And I really don't feel comfortable saying what else they got her to believe and do. But I will say Chris was never really in a right mind and everything these people did made it worse.

And I'll admit at first I enjoyed watching Chris, a huge bigoted predator, get absolutely dunked on. Who wouldn't? I mean Chris said and done things I'd feel uncomfortable typing out too. Fuck bigots, they deserve nothing, amirite? I'm the first to say so.

But then it just didn't stop. Ever. And it got dark. It made me uncomfortable even as someone only half-paying attention to a documentary. And it still hasn't stopped and it's been going since like 2005. Chris is literally in jail rn and there's still an entire reddit sub wishing her the absolute worst.

All this happened on 4-chan so obviously it's a dumpster fire to begin with... But idk. Like from a psychological standpoint it's fascinating to me. Like a fucked up psychology experiment.

And I think one of the more disgusting things I noticed was the way people were eager to harm someone when they could justify it. Like moths to a flame. They just wanted to hurt someone. It didn't matter if Chris deserved it or even what Chris did. What matters is they could justify how horribly they treated another person and Chris, with her loose grip on reality, naivete, and mental instability, made a good victim.

Like aside from Chris herself... What drives human beings to relish in being the cause of someone else's misery? Cuz it definitely speaks to what kind of person even engages with this sort of thing in the first place. Hurt people hurt people as the saying goes, abused people abuse people, etc etc.

Like it really shows how trauma & abuse compound on themselves, how mental illness compounds, how community can choose to exacerbate that trauma, how everyone is constantly just projecting on everyone else and making everyone collectively worse, even how you traumatize someone, how you breakdown the reality of a person, how long it takes, the mindsets/feeling/values that make a person willing to put up with being on the receiving end of this and continuously choosing to engage with it for almost 2 whole decades.

Anyway I thought I'd share that. Cuz I know I'm personally one of the first to say that bigots can catch hands. That nobody owes awful people kindness but this made me question how much I actually mean that, to what extent. Because now I've seen how that mindset plays out in real lives in real time without limits or ramifications.

And it sucked.

And I've decided we do owe people kindness actually. Not all the time, not unconditionally. But they are owed kindness. People can not improve under cruel conditions and they can not improve without support. If we want the world to be better, if we really want to improve our surroundings and cultures, we need to accept that.

The human condition is such that it won't improve without love, kindness, and support, it does not care whether or not that's what we deserve.

[rustedskyprisms]

.

There’s really nothing worse than having a mentally ill sibling with ADHD and addiction issues, but who has destroyed your self-esteem because you’re autistic and have a physical disability. Like…………..I don’t even know how this works, but evidently, people like this exist. And she’s not the only one I’ve encountered. You know, mentally ill people being complete assholes towards or just not giving a shit about autistic or physically disabled people. I’m so sick of them. It’s especially annoying/amusing to me when they don’t want the conditions they have to be stigmatized, yet they contribute so heavily to stigmatizing other things. 

I have been through a lot in my life. I’m legally blind, I have severe, severe OCD and depression, and I’ve had my share of drug abuse too. In fact, that’s really the only thing that’s ever made me feel better about myself. But yeah, I’m done. I’m done always being the understanding one, especially when I’ve been made to feel bad over the fact that empathy really doesn’t come naturally to me, yet, I’m a hell of a lot more understanding than so many of the people who claim to just have it. How does that work? I’m done doing this for people who don’t give me the same in return. I’m done with the “well, there’s reasons for their behavior”, “they have their own issues”, etc mentality I’ve taken for so long. What about my reasons? What about my own issues? Nope, that’s just “wrong” and “weird”. So much for empathy right…..I would never tell someone the shit I’ve been told. 

You know, she’s been through a lot of shit too, including things that I can’t imagine going through. But she also cannot imagine what it’s like to be me, to go through the things I have. And I’m done with this being such a one sided effort. I’m done with everyone who is like her. It never fails to amaze me, the things that people like her think are okay to say. But yeah, I’m the one who is such a social pariah. I’m the one who needs to change. 

But I also think it’s just sad. It’s sad that she cares so much about societal standards that it’s caused her to treat me this way. And the funniest thing is, she thinks she’s not like that. She’s one of those people who thinks she’s more “awake” than everyone else. No, you’re fucking not lmao. I don’t care how many drugs you’ve done (what’s super funny is that she actually doesn’t even primarily use the shit that tends to cause people to act like that. That’s me, and I don’t think like that. At all.) But it’s like, sweetheart, you’re going to be 25 next year, you have been through some serious shit in your life. How the fuck do you still care so much that I’m not “normal”? How??? Because those drug-induced rants and breakdowns sure as hell weren’t normal either, but let’s pretend that never happened, right? You can get upset when people judge you for choices you made, but it’s okay to make me feel like shit over how I was born? Okay.

I’m done with feeling this way. I’m done with feeling like I should kill myself because I’m ugly, weird, don’t process emotions/situations the “right” way, and all the other shit she’s put into my head. There is such a direct correlation with how suicidal I’ve been and the things she’s said to me. I have caved to her and let her manipulate me so much throughout my life, and it’s not okay. She’s not a completely terrible person, but I also cannot keep doing this. I cannot keep feeling like I don’t deserve to be alive. I cannot keep thinking that I need to cut my body open because I’m so ugly and unlikeable. She’s a miserable person in a lot of ways, and I can’t keep giving someone like that so much power over me. 

It’s just, you know, she’s in a relationship, and I’ve been alone my entire life. And I’ve been made to feel that I’m going to be alone forever. And it’s like, how is it that someone who can be this fucking mean be wanted, but I never have been? Oh yeah, because she’s attractive. That’s literally all that matters. I really do believe that’s another reason she’s able to act this way. If I acted this way, oh my god, I would get so much shit for it. That’s just the truth. She’s put it into my head that looks are all that matter, and she’s not incorrect. Attractive women can get away with so much. That’s not incel shit, it’s true. They can treat people like absolute shit, and someone will come to their defense. Meanwhile I can’t even exist as a person. 

She reminds me of like those Red Scare women, just not…racist and shit. But she absolutely has that vibe that they do, and I hate it. And I think if life hadn’t kicked the crap out of her, she’d be a lot meaner than she is. No, that’s exactly what she reminds me of, wow. 

[thru-the-looking-glass-caroline]

Health issues & anxieties/worry thoughts

Yesterday I was able to come home from the hospital after a brief admission because I collapsed and had a seizure at home late in the evening on Saturday November 18th. I have no history of seizures so this was shocking, surreal, and scary for me and my family. After a lot of testing in the hospital the cause of my seizure was determined to be a major deficiency in vitaminB12 and magnesium as a result of my hyperthyroidism and malabsorption syndrome. I am relieved that the cause of the seizure was pre-existing conditions and not some sort of epilepsy, abnormality in my brain, or some other possible diagnosis discovered and added on to the list I've already been given. However simultaneously with the relief I still feel some anxiety, worry, fear, frustration, uneasiness and uncertainty. In and after circumstances where a new symptom/issue/mini crisis with my health emerges [in this instance it was me having a seizure], It's difficult to shake the anxious and worried thoughts and one of the biggest ones being that some new health condition/ something else wrong with me is going to be discovered and I will be forced to live, cope and try to battle/treat/medicate it as well. It's a sort of anxiety that is like an impending sense of...not really doom but more like something else is going to go wrong-the next shoe is going to drop. It's thoughts and worries about how this is going to effect my overall health if at all? Is this causing more damage to my already damaged heart, liver, bones, or eyes? How is this going to effect my family? Is it going to decrease my ability to function in life and my ability to do the things I love? Will l have to take more medication? What if I require some kind of surgery? Will I be in the hospital more? Will I be in the hospital longer? How much longer will I be able to dance and play sports and will my health problems put an early end to those passions?

Now this is NOT in any way me trying to insinuate that my health is so bad, and I am so sick and woe is me. I'm very aware that other people have much worse, some even terminal, health issues. However, on that side note who when they are sick or going through something is made better by being reminded that other people have it worse? One of the dancers in my acro and hip hop classes has asthma that gets pretty bad...should I or someone else go to her on a bad day and remind her that others have it worse...like at least you don't have lung cancer or lupus...it's only asthma! Will that cause her to need her inhaler less? Will it alleviate the anxiety that comes with not being able to breathe properly? No! Similarly, in the realm of mental health - the struggles of someone with depression are just as important, serious, difficult, valid and deserving of care as someone who has depression and schizophrenia or depression and drug addiction, depression and has attempted suicide, depression and an eating disorder. None of these needs to be ranked as having it worse than the other. This need we have to qualify and measure illness or situation against others and then determine what is worse is not only invalidating and shaming but gives space to this sick competitive one up‐man-ship vibe and conversation people can get in to...you know the kind where people tell of their ailments and struggles and in turn the next person tells their own that is suppose to be just as bad or worse than the person before. Anyways that's a soap box for some other time.

The issue with my hyperthyroidism and malabsorption syndrome is the severe deficiencies they cause do real damage-permanant damage to my organs and bones - every time more and more damage and I already have heart problems, I have already had to have a surgery on my heart. So each time something like this occurs where I am in the hospital I start to get the anxiety and worry - what's wrong now? Is it going to be so bad this time that I will have to give up dance and sports? One day it probably will come to that...I know that...my doctors have told me that and it's not that all my enjoyment and happiness in life or my whole identity is wrapped up in dance/being a dancer or a volleyball player, soccer player or tennis player. But those things are and have been a big part of who I am. They are things I love and am passionate about and good at...I work hard at. It will be a huge loss when that day where I have to give them up comes and that is scary for me.

The other big piece to this is the uncertainty, uneasiness and frustration. None of my immediate family has any health issues like I do! Not either of my parents or my brothers, not my Aunt and not my two cousins Kenzie and Grace. I am glad my family doesn't have these issues, don't get me wrong, but I still wonder WTF why is it all me? And what's coming next because if genetics play a part in any of my problems which science suggests it probably does then there's a lot of unease and uncertainty. If you don't know this from possibly my main blog then let me tell you that one whole side of my family tree and family history is a big question mark because my father was abandoned as an infant- he grew up in group homes run by the catholic church. He was named by those at the church he was abandoned at. My father lived and grew up in orphan group homes until He was old enough to be out on His own. He's never known his birth family- doesn't want to-and never had a family adopt him. My Aunt and my 2 cousins are the only extended family we have still alive and that is my mother's family. I wish I could explain to you just how uneasy this makes me. Maybe it doesn't make sense to you but it is very real and very much something I battle in my head a lot.

I am sorry this post is kind of rambling...just needed to get this crap out. I am glad to be home and I am doing okay and thank you to everyone...many from my main blog who messaged me concern and well wishes when I had the seizure 😊

[1892]

hot juicy goss for anyone interested:

so i met this person on the internet when i was 14 and we got to be super close super fast. we loved each other a lot and we were both really mentally ill teenagers. they were in and out of the psych ward the entire time that i knew them and it never helped nothing ever changed nothing ever got better but it did consistently get worse and they got consistently more terrible to me. when i stopped being friends with them for good i realized that they had been terrible to me in all types of tiny ways (just little insults. stuff that’s stuck with me even though i try to forget it) but the major ways were obviously the most fucked up ways. expected me to be awake 24/7 to deal with their constant suicide attempts. one summer it got so bad that i was living on like 5 hours of sleep because they kept me up so late every night on the phone threatening suicide any number of ways doing countless dangerous things. they were a year ahead of me so they went to college first and it was so bad immediately that i had their college’s campus police number saved in case i needed to call someone to get them. constant emotional manipulation. i thought it was the only kind of friendship i deserved because when we got along we got along so well. come to learn someone who treats u the way they did doesn’t deserve shit other than pity. constantly on my nerves, constantly expecting me to just deal with all their shit for them. they went through a lot of bad shit, their life fucking sucked, but that doesn’t make it my fucking problem 100% . i should not have been dealing with someone constantly threatening suicide at age 15 it’s like not right lmfao. we were always right around the corner from another breakdown, another thing to stress me out. me, a bipolar, depressed, going-through-a-med-induced-psychotic-episode, and immunocompromised CHILD. it was so fucked up in so many ways and ultimately all culminated in one terrible night where our fucking parents had to get involved. they started talking to my mom and she straight up told me the emotional weight of the way they talked to her was too much and she couldn’t handle it and she had no idea how i had handled it alone for so long. LMFAO!

[sapphia]

i have so many thoughts about chang from community and almost all of them are about him coming out in the final 30 seconds of the entire six-season show.

like, maybe dan meant it just to be a homage to the office and nothing more. maybe it’s just a joke and we will see it fully retconned in the movie. but imagine if it’s not.

from the very first episode, chang is a character who has been hiding his true self. when we first meet him, he’s an ethnically-speaking spanish teacher. this is played heavily for laughs, but we can already see the ways in which he’s running from himself. he’s very on edge about racism, and some of his first lines are him preemptively defending himself against racist comments. it’s not crazy to think that chang’s fixation on latin culture comes from his discomfort with his own race. and we can connect this to his sexuality too - chang met his latina wife at salsa dancing, and by marrying her he becomes closer to the image of the straight, non-asian man he wishes he were, rather than who he really is.

when we meet him, he is also clearly unpredictable bordering on unstable - showing signs of the mental illness (or as the show puts it, chang’s “craziness”) that defined his entire arc. chang is one of the few characters who gets a full arc, both downswing and upswing, as he starts off as a teacher, married and comfortable. as the series he continues, he loses everything, becoming first homeless, jobless and wifeless, then becoming a crazed dictator who kidnaps the dean, then claiming total amnesia, before owning up to his memories and confessing to his crimes and becoming a teacher again - but this time he has found his place and his people, having been accepted into what by this time has become the save greendale committee.

in the early seasons, chang’s craziness seems to escalate as his life gets worse, but you can also view it as his symptoms becoming harder to hide. his behaviour is visible mostly to his students, and only a little to his colleagues, but he’s considered a ‘wild card’ rather than someone who might genuinely need help. in this regard, he is forced to hide his mental illness rather than be open about it and be supported.

but seasons 5 and 6, chang GETS to be crazy. in a weirdly-heartwarming twist, chang is still unbalanced and he still betrays the group multiple times, but it’s treated as a character flaw no greater than anyone else’s in the group, and he is forgiven over and over again for his transgressions in the same way other characters are forgiven for theirs. it is, in my mind, not a coincidence that abed is the one to recognise that chang deserves a second chance regardless of whether he has amnesia or not, because changs issues begin to genuinely be treated as a mental illness and he received the support and help he didn’t before the series - and with it, we can see he does make genuine improvements. sure, like an addict, he still falls into his old ways and betrays the group, but these are treated like relapses, and the group doesn’t stop forgiving him, thus truly demonstrating that greendale is for everyone, especially people who don’t fit into wider society. underneath the humour, this says something serious; that people deserve help, even when they’ve relapsed. Even when they’ve relapsed multiple times. Recovery is not a straight road, nor is the journey to becoming a better person. chang is the hardest person for the study group to forgive, but he’s the most important because of that precise reason.

this comes to a head in the second-to-last episode where chang makes a speech that saves an incestuous marriage from annulment. the episode is about how the group are parasocial and they are at the worst when they’re around each other - except for chang, who actually demonstrably is much improved from the person he’s been for most of the show, and manages to smooth over the mess that the group accidentally creates. this is a hugely symbolic moment, one of the first actually positive and selfless things that chang has actively done.

so when he comes out at the end, it’s with all that context and baggage. finally, after six seasons, chang is accepted by the study group. even though he’s crazy and unpredictable. even though he’s needed a lot of help to function as well as the other characters. even though his shortcomings mean that he often ruins their plans, both deliberately and by accident. even though he leaves when he gets famous, throwing the finger at as he goes. each time he comes back, they forgive him and bring him into the fold once more. and this is the payoff, to show that their patience and forgiveness and work has been worth it, because chang is a better person for it. not only can the study group see that, but chang can see that, just as he has finally been able to see from his betrayal and the group’s instant unspoken forgiveness only a few episodes earlier that they truly will support him for whoever he is, whatever he does. and that just gets me.

[neuroticboyfriend]

sending this story because I've told people about it before and not felt very vindicated, you seem like someone who could empathize with my position/situation at the time when we (system) were 14 we decided to take one last shot at therapy (long story short; forced into it before due to court orders, hated it, but were so miserable that it was a last resort type of deal). a few months afterward we were diagnosed with depression and anxiety and put on an antidepressant against our will. convo went something like this: doc: i want you to take this medication me: i don't want to take this medication doc: you should try this me: i don't... really want to? got prescribed anyway. after a week of being forced to take it by an unsupportive caregiver, and other life shit going wrong, we ended up in "grippy sock jail." like two days into that, this conversation happens. psych ward doc: i want you to take this medication. will you take it? me: no doc: you should take it. will you take it? me: no. doc: this will help you. do you want it? me: no doc: this will help. do you want to take it? me: no. he asked me a fifth time and I said "yes" because I knew that if I "resisted treatment" I would be stuck there longer, and I was in the middle of missing my exams for school and also less than a week away from Christmas Day. they then made me take the medication every day I was there. when we went home, our caregiver also made us take it and watched carefully to make sure we did. when we faked taking it, she noticed, and became enraged. we had one of the scariest nights of our life happen because we refused to take a medication we never consented to taking and were pressured (basically forced) to be on. we were never on those medications long enough to feel whatever effects they were supposed to have, thankfully, but just being on them and having our consent and autonomy violated in such a manner made our mental health issues x10 worse. we also discovered several years after this that the reason we felt so depressed in the first place was due to a hormone imbalance. now that it's medicated and treated, we don't want to die anymore. a chronic illness no one spotted until it was and that is a prime example of medical malpractice. we aren't schizophrenic nor do we have psychosis. but no one, NO ONE, should be forced to take medication against their will. psychiatric medication can hurt people, physically and mentally. on another note we were looking at medical records from a visit to the ER last year and saw that we were casually given prednisone, which is known to ruin people's health for the rest of their lives. but we didn't know that at the time. very grateful i decided not to take it anyway. and people wonder why I refuse to take anything besides my hormonal medication even when I'm in horrible pain or discomfort...

i havent the energy to reply to this well but i just want you to know i hear you and i do understand. the way psych patients are treated is awful and you deserved so much better.