#no more suffering in silence

[lunaprincipessa]

ENTRY 416

I came across this veteran's suicide note years ago and it always struck a cord with me, even though I'm just now blogging about it years later. As someone who has battled with such ideation in the past, there is still constant hope for a shift in mentality and conversation, both back then and now.

My generation in particular had it all wrong. I used to hear people say all the time, "if you opt out, I'll piss on your grave," and "opting out is selfishness/weakness," as if guilt-tripping someone about other people's comfort levels solves anything. Hopefully the younger generations will know and do better as they take the reins because we really didn't, and it's just as embarrassing as it is heartless and disappointing.

We need to have these conversations to foster compassion and increase awareness. We need emotional intelligence as well. All the more reason to normalize reaching out and speaking out. No one should suffer in silence, military and civilians alike.

Erasing the world "suicide," and pretending life is perfect for attention on social media rectifies absolutely nothing. People are suffering and dying from treatable and/or preventable circumstances and ailments. How many more loved ones, how many more human beings should we bury before we take adequate steps to change this?

I'm now reminded of an old phrase, "we do not live in a world of reality but in a world of perceptions." Imagine that world through the eyes of someone under the crippling impression that the pain will never stop. Imagine what that world looks like to someone trapped in a mental prison. Now imagine lecturing a person who's drowning that they're too deep in the water. Instead of throwing them a damn life line, we just hit them again with what they already see and know, offering no support or resolution. This is so important for someone with trauma. The experience and aftermath can't be eradicated but it certainly can be managed, hence the life line that should've gone out.

I think his story is one we can all relate to on some level, military or civilian. We've all felt like our physical and/or mental attributes were burdens to others, and to ourselves the way we can feel "caged in" as Daniel worded it. We've all gone through wanting to invest in something, only to later feel abandoned by it. We've all felt like help is impossible to get sometimes. We've all known that void and that lack of forgiveness for ourselves. We've all experienced losses in opportunities and finding it difficult to achieve inner and outer peace and freedom from pain. We've all experienced being "gone" from ourselves without being gone.

Human beings have a harsh tendency to dish out dehumanization, neglect, greed, and indifference on one another. At the heart of it all, this is what needs to stop. I hope you'll read his note.

RIP Daniel and thank you for your service. More thoughts later.

🥀

Daniel Sommers struggled with PTSD stemming from his military service as well as a traumatic brain injury. On June 10th, 2013, he took his own life leaving behind a lengthy suicide note detailing his suffering and urging for more assistance for veterans.

This is his note:

"I am so sorry it had to come to this.

The fact is, for as long as I can remember my motivation for getting up every day has been so that you would not have to bury me. As things have continued to get worse, it has become clear that this alone is not a sufficient reason to carry on. The fact is, I am not getting better, I am not going to get better, and I will most certainly deteriorate further as time goes on. From a logical standpoint, it is better to simply end things quickly and let repercussions from that play out in the short term than to drag things out into the long term.

You will perhaps be sad for a time, but over time you will forget and begin to carry on. Far better that than to inflict my growing misery upon you for years and decades to come, dragging you down with me. It is because I love you that I cannot do this to you. You will come to see that it is a far better thing as one day after another passes during which you do not have to worry about me or even give me a second thought. You will find that your world is better without me in it.

I really have been trying to hang on, for more than a decade now. Each day has been a testament to the extent to which I cared, suffering unspeakable horror as quietly as possible so that you could feel as though I was still here for you. In truth, I was nothing more than a prop, filling space so that my absence would not be noted. In truth, I have already been absent for a long, long time.

My body has become nothing but a cage, a source of pain and constant problems. The illness I have has caused me pain that not even the strongest medicines could dull, and there is no cure. All day, every day there's a screaming agony in every nerve ending in my body. It is nothing short of torture. My mind is a wasteland, filled with visions of incredible horror, unceasing depression, and crippling anxiety, even with all of the medications the doctors dare give. Simple things that everyone else takes for granted are nearly impossible for me. I cannot laugh or cry. I can barely leave the house. I derive no pleasure from any activity. Everything simply comes down to passing time until I can sleep again. Now, to sleep forever seems to be the most merciful thing.

You must not blame yourself. The simple truth is this: during my first deployment, I was made to participate in things, the enormity of which is hard to describe. War crimes, crimes against humanity. Though I did not participate willingly, and made what I thought was my best effort to stop these events, there are some things that a person simply cannot come back from. I take some pride in that, actually, as to move on in life after being part of such a thing would be the mark of a sociopath in my mind. These things go far beyond what most are even aware of.

To force me to do these things and then participate in the ensuing coverup is more than any government has the right to demand. Then, the same government has turned around and abandoned me. They offer no help, and actively block the pursuit of gaining outside help via their corrupt agents at the DEA. Any blame rests with them.

Beyond that, there are the host of physical illnesses that have struck me down again and again, for which they also offer no help. There might be some progress by now if they had not spent nearly twenty years denying the illness that I and so many others were exposed to. Further complicating matters is the repeated and severe brain injuries to which I was subjected, which they also seem to be expending no effort into understanding. What is known is that each of these should have been cause enough for immediate medical attention, which was not rendered.

Lastly, the DEA enters the picture again as they have now managed to create such a culture of fear in the medical community that doctors are too scared to even take the necessary steps to control the symptoms. All under the guise of a completely manufactured "over-prescribing epidemic," which stands in stark relief to all of the legitimate research, which shows the opposite to be true. Perhaps, with the right medication at the right doses, I could have bought a couple of decent years, but even that is too much to ask from a regime built upon the idea that suffering is noble and relief is just for the weak.

However, when the challenges facing a person are already so great that all but the weakest would give up, these extra factors are enough to push a person over the edge.

Is it any wonder then that the latest figures show 22 veterans killing themselves each day? That is more veterans than children killed at Sandy Hook, every single day. Where are the huge policy initiatives? Why isn't the president standing with those families at the State of the Union? Perhaps because we were not killed by a single lunatic, but rather by his own system of dehumanization, neglect, and indifference.

It leaves us to where all we have to look forward to is constant pain, misery, poverty, and dishonor. I assure you that, when the numbers do finally drop, it will merely be because those who were pushed the farthest are all already dead.

And for what? Bush's religious lunacy? Cheney's ever growing fortune and that of his corporate friends? Is this what we destroy lives for?

Since then, I have tried everything to fill the void. I tried to move into a position of greater power and influence to try and right some of the wrongs. I deployed again, where I put a huge emphasis on saving lives. The fact of the matter, though, is that any new lives saved do not replace those who were murdered. It is an exercise in futility.

Then, I pursued replacing destruction with creation. For a time this provided a distraction, but it could not last. The fact is that any kind of ordinary life is an insult to those who died at my hand. How can I possibly go around like everyone else while the widows and orphans I created continue to struggle? If they could see me sitting here in suburbia, in my comfortable home working on some music project they would be outraged, and rightfully so.

I thought perhaps I could make some headway with this film project, maybe even directly appealing to those I had wronged and exposing a greater truth, but that is also now being taken away from me. I fear that, just as with everything else that requires the involvement of people who cannot understand by virtue of never having been there, it is going to fall apart as careers get in the way.

The last thought that has occurred to me is one of some kind of final mission. It is true that I have found that I am capable of finding some kind of reprieve by doing things that are worthwhile on the scale of life and death. While it is a nice thought to consider doing some good with my skills, experience, and killer instinct, the truth is that it isn't realistic. First, there are the logistics of financing and equipping my own operation, then there is near certainty of a grisly death, international incidents, and being branded a terrorist in the media that would follow. What is really stopping me, though, is that I simply am too sick to be effective in the field anymore. That, too, has been taken from me.

Thus, I am left with basically nothing. Too trapped in a war to be at peace, too damaged to be at war. Abandoned by those who would take the easy route, and a liability to those who stick it out - and thus deserve better. So you see, not only am I better off dead, but the world is better without me in it.

This is what brought me to my actual final mission. Not suicide, but a mercy killing. I know how to kill, and I know how to do so that there is no pain whatsoever. It was quick, and I did not suffer. And above all, now I am free. I feel no more pain. I have no more nightmares or flashbacks or hallucinations. I am no longer constantly depressed or afraid or worried.

I am free.

I ask that you be happy for me for that. It is perhaps the best break I could have hoped for. Please accept this and be glad for me.

Daniel Sommers"

[anne-is-confused]

hear me, o patroness of girlstrugglers

[remindertoclick]

Hiya! Here's your Daily Reminder to Click for Palestine!

Thank you

[innocentiusxiv]

- Fortesa Latifi

[pendaisy]

I keep seeing people saying headcanoning viktor as a 30+ virgin is stupid and I really want to properly address it because it’s bothering me but I don’t really know how to do it without getting really really personal with my disability and I don’t think people will give a shit. So all I’ll offer for this is firstly it is entirely possible to be a virgin 30+, I know lots of people for many different reasons consider themselves a virgin and are seen to be out of the usual age range for that sort of label. It’s a lot more common than you might think. Secondly and I preface this that disabled people are not a monolith but there is a lot that disability can take away from you. Pain days/anxiety days can stop you reaching out for physical contact. It can prevent you attending or even just going through usual steps in your cultures “growing up” expectations and experiences. Actually the sex scene layered between what’s happening with Viktor and the hexcore always hit me hard because people are out there living while disabled people can be fighting a battle that is weighing on them or outright preventing them from also doing just that. It’s so much more complex than just ‘he’s 30 of course he fucks’. Also why do you think he can’t be a virgin and horny? He can be freaky as fuck and horny as fuck and never had anyone share that with, it still exists in him. I could keep going and going with points here but I really honestly don’t want to discourse.

I just think hc viktors sexuality and sexual journey as you want but shitting on other peoples take on it is so fucking annoying and patronising.

[petitepatateuwu]

It's way too hot and I am way too tired to do any more efforts, so excuse the critical lack of quality here.

If you didn't know, Cole is my favourite Power Ranger :D

And while I was binge watching Ninjago I had the pleasant surprise to see him physically and mentally traumatized in season 5 😈

And since I'm a huge sucker for angst, my brain immediately thought of developing that idea in order to hurt my beautiful baby boy some more. That and also the fact that my brain immediately looks for logic in the laws of cartoon physics (I really shouldn't do that...)

So I bring you the "Cole is a Ghost Kind-of-Saga". I still have a few more ideas to exploit, notably adressing the ways the other ninjas will help him cope with his new condition :3

And maaaaybeeeee a small comic too 😇

Anyways, I will let my brain rest a bit for now and sleep.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Broken Roofs and Fixed Perspectives

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[hogans-heroes]

We see a lot of postwar fics with Bucky being the broken one since his breakdowns are so large and visible in the show, but we so need more content of Buck being the broken one, after the war is over. If we focus on him in the show he’s just as bad off as Bucky but he’s better at hiding it. Usually Bucky would be the one to really see through Gale and understand him but in the stalag his own pain blinds him and he can’t see. (Good way to explore someone else being the one who sees). But look at Gale’s eyes in this photo.

(And to those of you who are showing this side of Buck in your content, especially postwar, bless you and thank you so much 🥺)

[yeonbam]

why is he suffering more than jesus goddddd

[quotidianish]

It’s so sad how some parts of the mouthwashing fandom adopts jimmy’s point of view on Anya. She’s nothing but the victim

[wardensantoineandevka]

I always find it a little funny and amusing the common "Corypheus's For I have seen the throne of the gods, and it was empty! is such a raw line, it goes so hard" because I've always been DEEPLY unimpressed with it. it comes across for me as super tryhard and edgy. I can't be impressed with it because it feels like it's TRYING to impress me, it's straining too hard to be A Good Line that it sounds forced. like, I don't even think it's the best line of that MONOLOGUE, let alone the whole scene.

[danwhobrowses]

Prefacing that, again time zones, I've only been able to glean the latest CR episode and that I do not agree with their in-character opinions on the gods, I'd like to remind fans to try and not get super ugly about their criticism of Ashton Greymoore.

I'll be the first to throw my hands up and say they're among my favourite C3 characters so there may be bias, but I've been getting flashes of the Shard Incident from reactions towards their recent and vocal disdain for the gods. Disagree with them all you want, Taliesin knows that the gods can't simply leave since they're the one who said that the Wildmother would die if she left, but understand that it's a character flaw and if you recall the hardships of their backstory, the unanswered prayers, and that their only exchanges with the gods have required them to do something or, with the Dawnfather Angel, have been met with cold disregard, it's understandable how they got to feeling that way. Ashton has lived alone and been told they don't matter for a lot of their life; no gods, no family, no nurturing presence to guide them, they've been abandoned, used, and - with additional influence by the Dominox accusing them of wanting FCG to die - are currently between blaming themselves and the Changebringer for their closest friend's death.

Make no mistake Ashton is wrong, I think the self-confessed hypocrite with also self-confessed poor morality knows that deep down, or at least knows that they're not the kind of person who should be in charge. Vassalheim is a difficult place for a titan vessel to be in so it is unsure what they will do from here; perhaps investigate the Earth Titan? Commune with the Emperor and Empress? Or maybe be brought to the gods and be able to vent or reconcile with them (and maybe get some closure with FCG, speak with his spirit as like a mediator between the Hells and the Gods)? But it feels like Taliesin is being vocal for a reason, and it's either to invite Matt to challenge it (I've said in other comments but I would love if Ashton found some comfort, not worship or a pact but maybe just a dialogue, in the Everlight: a goddess of healing, temperance and redemption - all of which would help Ashton mentally - as unlikely as it'd be) or find another maybe primordial route to give Ashton a narrative tether towards stopping Predathos.

Let's just, not be cruel about the character, they are more than just their bad trauma and grief-led opinion on gods remember?

[aashiqeddiediaz]

you know, the placement of both hugs buck and tommy shared are kinda…wild. because in both of them…buck is facing eddie.

like we don’t exactly see eddie watching them or anything, and yeah he might be tipsy in the second one, but i think it’s a lil telling for them to have buck’s expression turned towards eddie in these hugs.

the first, when he sees the contentment on buck’s face when he and tommy tip their heads together in a hug that lingers a beat too long to be platonic much like some of the hugs buck and eddie have shared but i digress

the second, when he sees the clear disappointment on buck’s face at tommy leaving, and the intimate way tommy holds his neck and the way buck’s palm rubs against tommy’s back before he calls out for him to be safe.

and maybe we didn’t get to see exactly what eddie’s looking at/thinking about but i think there’s a little bit of a tie-in with the way the camera specifically pans to the proud, sparkling look eddie gives buck after he and tommy show up with march in soot-stained faces in that eddie’s genuinely happy for him - his eyes literally follow buck around the room. he sees how invested buck is in tommy, and it feels different to other partners and idk. it’s just a choice to have eddie as the main witness of buck and tommy is all i’m getting at here

[eli-zab3th]

Oh no, I'm a human with very valid wants and needs again

[smhalltheurlsaretaken]

to that anon I got about my last posts: if you're hurt that I'm talking about antisemitism on tumblr rather than the Israel/Palestine conflict itself then you're going to have to make your peace with a star wars blog not being an effective platform for activism.

This is the point I've been trying to hammer home perfectly illustrated. I deviated ever so slightly from what's allowed on the subject to say that I can't participate in this website's idea of 'raising awareness' (distributing real facts and misinfo alike without a care and being a bunch of fanatic Jew haters in the process) and that I don't think I'm able to critically and accurately examine every piece of news that gets passed around here, and you're taking this to assume I don't care. So no, I'm not going to spend my time trying to prove that I do care to that particular crowd.

You're upset with me for not treating this like I did fandom and assuming I value fictional characters more than real people because of it, but it's precisely because this is infinitely more important that I'm not going to be doing real people the disrespect of giving my two cents on their suffering and deaths on the same platform I did STAR WARS.

[suits]

help a black woman in need

tldr; beat homelessness just in time to have my car repossessed.

hi ive been putting this off as long as i can because idk how to ask for help but i really need it rn. some of you might know, i was homeless since oct 2022. we found a place and have moved in at the start of this month (july). unfortunately this morning i was on my way out to work only to find that my car had been repossessed due to me falling behind on the payments (see: being homeless). i had to call off today but i need my car to get to work the rest of the week. im not asking for a specific amount because i need a lot and this will most likely be ongoing.but ANYTHING helps. please share even if you can't help out financially. words of encouragement/advice also appreciated. thank you 🙏🏾🫶🏾 pypl: @mkwats cshpp: $mkawatson vnmo: mk-watson