#no more procrastinating. this was almost as painful as self discipline. almost.

[fr0gg13b413]

COLOSSAL LAPSE IN JUDGEMENT; forgot that consuming other adaptations of sherlock would mean i need to watch sherlock die iN fRONT OF JOHN. AGAIN.

[looye29]

Live life King Size!! Is it really that easy?! People are always thinking of ways to improve their life, finance, business, physical and mental health, but are they truly successful? Even those who claim they are absolutely fine, have had to struggle and are often led into a dark jungle, from where wriggling out was a pain. We all need a guide to lead us from the front towards achieving a happy and successful life. As someone who’s been very curious about living the right kind of life, I came across Ancient Secrets of Kings by Winter Vee in my journey of a good book on personal development. Here I give you an in-depth review of the book and what it teaches. What are the Ancient Secrets of Kings This is a program that helps you change your present self into someone with self-confidence. You should feel powerful and start being the best version of yourself. The Winter Vee believes that we just need to take a cue from the others who have been so. The book takes the examples of three great rulers - Khufu from Egypt, Qin Shi Huang from China, and Solomon from Israel. Three powerful Kings who were the epitome of power. As the book's very name tells us, it talks about what these ancient Kings practiced and how you can adapt their principles to better your life. The program helps you identify your natural talents and understand how gifted you are. Taking off from there, you can develop yourself in the best direction. The eBook comes with modules, and you must learn them individually. The information is easy to understand, and you can implement the principles in your life almost immediately. How The Ancient Secrets of Kings Works This digital course discloses the secrets successful people and kings used for a long time to get happiness and wealth. The program comes in the form of an eBook and DVD, making it simple to comprehend. It starts by telling you what the ancient kings did. You can compare what you have presently with what they had and try to mend your personality. You may initially find yourself a tad uncomfortable with the changes, but you will be guided not to lose hope. The book takes you through very inspiring life pillars. There are three key pillars that Winter Vee talks about. The China Pillar: Here, Vee talks about the nuances of building boundaries to keep yourself from attacks or being misguided in your efforts. You will become more disciplined and shed off all procrastination tendencies. This gives you better control over how you spend your time. You will be able to stay away from unnecessary thoughts, thereby improving productivity. You will focus on staying on track while working and plan better scheduling of events. The distractions of life that break you down are kept away. You will be shown how boundaries are the first stepping stone to lay the foundation for your success. The Egypt Pillar: Here, you will be told the secret of how to get rich and the ways to use your wealth properly. You will learn to plan how to earn the money you very much need. Organization is key. Having a positive frame of mind and keeping people with negativity at bay is very essential for achieving this. The pillar introduces you to the tools that bring abundance to your life by creating it first within you. The Israeli Pillar: This pillar talks about achieving peace by being on good terms with your surroundings. It teaches you the importance of being cordial with one and all around you. The peace, which was what you were looking for, becomes your wealth. You need to live through hard times with patience and not hesitate to get help from somebody when you are unclear about moving ahead. You will learn to keep anger away from you. You are given tools to avoid anger and develop inner peace. Your brain learns to use the resources available to you rather than worry about what you lack. Imbibing these principles will push you towards the goals you want to achieve. The program aims at reducing negativity that will pull you down.

Negative thoughts greatly influence all your actions, so when you tune your mind to performing tasks in a totally different way, your life also changes significantly. Your outlook changes entirely, and you look for other means to get over hardships. It teaches you to plan to be a unique person with changes that others cannot quickly achieve. You will need to list out what your accomplishments should be and plan accordingly. You would have learned to be productive with your time and effort. As a bonus to your order, there are some audio programs for self-improvement, which include: Million Dollar Mind The Success Advantage Credit Score Secrets Personal Reflections Guide Being a Winner Subliminal Music Achieve Peak Performance Subliminal Music Reach Your Goals Subliminal Music Pros Rapid results yielding increased income, success in business, and better relationships Program is straightforward to understand without any boredom or confusion. You do not have to learn multiple things at the same time. Developed by a successful entrepreneur Positive thoughts start developing to overcome tougher situations 60-day money-back guarantee Well organized information Though the secrets are not new, the information provided by Winter Vee is new. The content is well explained with targeted examples. It helps in achieving a powerful mindset like that of a winner. Cons Some feel that the program is a tad expensive. Available only in digital format Success does not come as quickly as people want it to Final verdict The program helps you gain complete power of your life with the secrets used by the three wise rulers. Not only do you get access to secrets of success but also detailed instructions on using them to change your life into one of your dreams. This program is quite simple and effective, and so if you are one of those who want growth and prosperity in life, this product will be worth the amount you pay. You are assured of the safety of your money as the program comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee. This is as good a personal development program as any. Like with all such programs, you are only as successful as well as you are able to implement it in your life. Changing your way of thinking is not easy, but if you decide to work with this program, I'm sure you will be satisfied!

[crystalsenergy]

how to improve Saturn placements? - evolving our personality #1

the purpose of this text is to bring a possibility to improve negative points in us from other positions [which you may or may not have in your natal chart]. sometimes the potential for improvement is already outlined as a trend inside yourself. other times the potential will need to be created. but as long as you assume that you need to improve, you are already taking the first step.

I'm going to put positions according to this post here about the shadows of our personality, leaving from the assumption that what brings us more suffering may be precisely in these positions cited in the post.

SATURN PLACEMENTS

Saturn in Aries / Saturn in 1st house -> Jupiter in 1st house

in other words, you need to learn to have more self-confidence, a dose of trusting yourself more easily, being less afraid of starting things, getting to know something new, or picking up on something you've already started. you need more willpower, to notice more positive things about yourself. it's also important to note that you may have a tendency to be more closed in admitting your problems. the construction of awareness about your individuality needs to take place. you must be optimistic and less pessimistic about yourself and your potential.

Saturn in Taurus / Saturn in 2nd house -> Venus in 2nd house / Venus in Taurus

Saturn in Taurus or in the 2nd house brings the problem of lack of self-worth, of not being able to feel good enough for some situations. there may be a certain pessimism (not as strong as that of Saturn in the 9th house), but a "certainty" that things won't work out in the area of ​​finance and love. it may be that ppl feel bad about they value to someone, it may be that they have trouble finding satisfaction in things, they may have difficulty feeling loved enough and/or supplied by the things around them. thus, those who have this placement need to notice patterns in themselves of not valuing themselves, not feeling good enough for a specific goal or person. self-worth in the sense of beauty, aesthetics and value seen by others is something to be worked on, primarily from the inside. taking as an example Venus in Taurus, excellent position to notice where you need to improve, it is important that you see your value, know how to relax, enjoy small pleasures in life, learn to invest in yourself, see the value of money and your efforts, and always continue to be persistent.

Saturn in Gemini / Saturn in 3rd house -> Mercury in Gemini / Mars in 3rd house

considering what a native with Saturn in Gemini or in the 3rd house tends to feel, it's important that these people learn to incorporate some points, which necessarily need to include: self-confidence in speech and ability to express themselves without censorship. this can be helped especially by Mercury in Gemini and Mars in the 3rd house (or also Mars in Gemini). It's important that you understand the need to speak what you think, not unthinkingly - which I imagine would be very difficult to happen, knowing this position -, but in a more confident way, even a little impulsive in some situations (emphasizing: some situations). It's important to allow your head to function naturally with regard to your mental processes and thoughts so that you will learn to express yourself without so many internal limitations.

Saturn in Cancer / Saturn in 4th house -> Uranus in 4th house

in other words, you need to develop less emotional dependency. you must be more open about your inner life, and you must learn to develop a healthy dichotomy, not the duality that this placement tends to bring: Saturn in Cancer / in the 4th house brings a tendency to become more emotionally closed, conveying an impression to others that you are very well resolved and live well with almost everything in life. this is a need Saturn gives to people: need for control. but this control may not always be healthy, as it's most often. Saturn tends to create a strong possibility of extreme behaviors, due to the internal fear and rigidity that are generated. the person is constantly closing in, but she/he is extremely vulnerable. however, what must be learned from Uranus in the 4th house is another duality, a little healthier and more advantageous for those who have this position: that of being more open about internal issues, but also not being dependent.

Saturn in Leo / Saturn in 5th house -> Sun in Leo

there is no way for me to talk about improving this Saturn placement without mentioning Sun in Leo. bearing in mind that Saturn in Leo and the 5th house gives a tendency to ppl feel less able to express themselves, less able to show the world their potential, their abilities, or simply appearing, it's important that the opposite is nurtured by the native: it's necessary to understand that yes, you have an individual power, you have potential that can be worked, we all do. you have the capacity to achieve something, to ascend, to lead, if necessary. and it's also necessary to work on the idea of ​​self-esteem and on the construction of a less fragile ego (which exists in a healthy Sun in Leo).

Saturn in Virgo / Saturn in 6th house -> Mars in Virgo, Uranus in 6th house

two things need to be worked on at the same time: discipline and your ability to be less rigid. yes, it's quite dual, almost opposite. but that's what happens with Saturn in Virgo / Saturn in the 6th house, often the natives can't move because of an excessive concern with details, because they think too much about everything, charge themselves even before the task is started, which it brings an air of rigidity and discipline, but it's exactly what keeps them from moving out of place: excess. with regard to the excess rigidity that causes a person to freeze, Uranus in the 6th house can help, given the energy of more unpredictability and independence from patterns and the like. another thing that is also likely to occur with this Saturn placement is procrastination and wasting time on frivolous things, as well as an aura of laziness (which creates tremendous guilt). with regard to this problem, Mars in Virgo (or Mars in the 6th house) can help, as this placement of Mars is pure fuel to be practical, agile, diligent and organized.

Saturn in Libra / Saturn in 7th house -> Venus in Libra, Uranus in 7th house

this position generates in people a dichotomy of being closed to love and emotional situations, but, at the same time, being very dependent on loving relationships, for fear of loss, of being alone. to the point of a person who blocks too much from getting into relationships, Venus in Libra can help by bringing a desire to be with someone in a healthier way, from the idea of ​​sharing something with the other person, of living together and feel good from the company of other. on the other hand, as it's also necessary to take care of the dependency issue, Uranus in the 7th house is very useful, so that the person doesn't have an extreme need for the other to the point of getting lost in the middle of it and not being able to go out anymore. It's important to be open to love, but always understanding that a little independence, valuing the individuality of the other, can also be good.

Saturn in Scorpio / Saturn in 8th house -> Mars in Scorpio, Uranus in 8th house

these Saturn placements bring a great fear of change, an aversion to being psychologically open. here, there is a person who seems impenetrable because he/she hides his/her fears, traumas and problems. these people don't like to break taboos. for being somewhat conservative and closed minded to everything that the sign and the house placed means, it's very important that they know the need to be more open to different circumstances of life. it's important to understand that it's part of life: being intimate with others, knowing deeper and even 'dark' sides of yourself, understanding sex as something natural (Mars in Scorpio will help with these things); besides it's also important to understand that it's part of life to have psychological transformations, a greater openness to taboos and to understand human complexity (Uranus in the 8th house will help with this). thus, you'll be able to reach another level in your life.

Saturn in Sagittarius / Saturn in 9th house -> Uranus in 9th house

one of the marks of Saturn in Sagittarius is the issue of redemption to some philosophy or ready-made idea that aims to explain life. here, the native has a great fear of being impacted by the depth of knowledge - depth that marks the uncertainty of life and its ephemerality -, and therefore, the tendency of this native is to hide behind a philosophy or 'certainty' that supports and gives comfort. therefore, people tend to close themselves off and live in a tremendous comfort zone, or rather a bubble, in which only what they have decided to accept as the general premise of their life makes sense. it can also generate a lot of pessimism, a more closed and even prejudiced view of other people. thus, it's more than necessary to understand that life is much more than what you heard in some corner when you were child and that you share within yourself today, there are several truths, but none of them is absolute. and that's the grace of life, knowing more and more, and understanding the value of diversity and the impossibility of being sure of something all the time. open up to other philosophies of life, religion, get out of your comfort zone, question things and your limiting beliefs more. don't cover yourself so much in relation to higher education and have more autonomy when knowing a deeper subject, don't depend on someone for that. all of this can be learned through Uranus in the 9th house.

Saturn in Capricorn / Saturn in 10th house -> Mars in Capricorn

this position of Saturn is one of the least painful that Saturn can bring, however, on the other hand, it can increase in the dose of rigidity and vision totally focused on what is concrete, objective, earthly, forgetting other sides of life. and despite not being one of the worst positions to have on Saturn, it brings many difficulties with regard to career and achieving goals. either because the person feels incapable, having some internal blockage, a mistaken idea of ​​her/himself, of her/his potential, or because during her life the person ends up encountering many barriers to finally ascend professionally. in this situation, it's extremely necessary for the native to use all the energy she/he has in order to put the will and potential out. this is made possible more powerfully by what represents Mars in Capricorn, a placement of great ambition, but which represents the capacity that may be lacking in these placements of Saturn.

Saturn in Aquarius / Saturn in 11th house -> Venus in Aquarius, Uranus in 11th house

one of the things that these positions bring most difficulty to a person is the tendency for them to exclude themselves from others, either for fear of group acceptance, or for not feeling good about being with other people, preferring solitude. this positioning brings a behavior of being more independent, having few friends and being more closed to others. you may also be more closed-minded to try original, new, and surprising things, even if you have the creativity to do so. another problem to be faced is a strong tendency not to trust people. Venus in Aquarius and Uranus in the 11th house help with this because the first placement is more focused on living in a group, making friends, representing a more sociable person, and the second doesn't fail to cultivate people's independence, but still remains open to friendships.

Saturn in Pisces / Saturn in 12th house -> Sun in Pisces, Moon in Pisces

this is a dense, complicated position, which gives people a feeling that they must be completely rigid and closed to their inner life, their inner space, but the more people try to escape, the more they are led to face this side of their personality. this position represents problems with mental health, issues of closing oneself to deeper contacts with people, difficulty with empathy, altruism. the person can be made to think more often about life, and have existential crises. Moon in Pisces and Sun in Pisces can help with these strong sensations as the placements bring greater openness to introspection, which makes the person less tempted to close off from the inner reflections - which will arise!! -, making the person too able to be more selfless and to show her/his compassion and empathy for others more openly.

[mnchysmanuscripts]

Twenty Twenty

It’s that time of year again, waves of resolutions are washing across my timeline and a sense of self-improvement is in the air. If you think for a second I’m going to miss out on an opportunity for easy compliments and encouragement, you clearly don’t know me that well. But, I’m not a huge fan of New Year’s resolutions. Creating pass/fail goals over long stretches of time that necessitate radical changes to your lifestyle without accompanying radical changes to your lifestyle never seem to work out. I am a huge fan of yearly themes, however. In fact, I had one for 2019.

Last year was the Year of More. I knew that once I started college I wouldn’t have nearly as much temporal freedom as I once had to waste away and accomplish nothing of value, and so I resolved to branch out and expand my both literal and figurative palate as much as possible before school started. It’s hard to state exactly how successful the year was without concrete data, but I was able to accomplish a few of my goals. I picked up new skills that I use still routinely, I massively expanded my pool of artistic inspiration and intellectual stimuli, I tried a bunch of weird/scary foods, traveled to far off places without my mommy, and moved to a new city across the country. All of these are great victories, but the actual moment to moment of the year was pretty much how the moment to moment of my life had been before it. One of the main goals of the Year of the More was to finish creative projects I had always wanted to but never found the time or place for. That, obviously, didn’t pan out. As it turns out, you can’t do more things just by saying you’ll do more things. Productivity doesn’t really work like that.

Your brain loves crossing out items in a to-do list. There’s no greater feeling in the world than accomplishing your goals and seeing men cower at the sight. But, doing things is hard. It requires time and effort, both of which are limited resources. Not to mention, while your brain loves a completed project, it hates actually performing the actions necessary to complete them. If it’s a matter of life or death, your brain can compel you to do almost anything, but it will continuously try to weasel out of every other scenario until it reaches that point. Besides, your deadline isn’t that urgent. Maybe it won’t be a big deal if you don’t get started right away. You’ve been so good lately too, you deserve a break. You can always get it done tomorrow. It’s here, when your brain is confronted with ambiguity of necessity and genuinely plausible excuses, that it becomes all too easy to become distracted and procrastinate. The problem is multiplied when you have multiple projects you want to work on, because even the act of deciding what project to work on can trigger you to hesitate and become distracted. When you’re distracted, you’re not doing work and you aren’t really having fun either. It’s hard to not feel guilty booting up that video game when you know you should be working, but it’s equally as hard to pry yourself away from it once you start playing. You’re stuck in the middle, all because there was no clear decision to be made. In your hesitation, your brain defaulted to the path of least resistance and you’re paying for it. This sort of thing would happen to me nearly every day of my life. And it wasn’t just my laziness, there’s something else at play here too.

Across the nation, our best and brightest are being round up and employed at a handful of mega-corporations with a singular purpose: to find cool, new ways to sell things to you. This is not a conspiracy, this is not science fiction, this was cutting edge ten years ago and now it’s just taken for granted by everyone who thinks about it for more than a second. Your favorite social media is not a neutral platform that you come to socialize and consume content on. It is a business, and as a business it has the sole purpose of making money, and the way these business makes money is by selling ad space and by selling your data to advertisers. The longer you look and the more you refresh, the more advertisements you’ll see and the more data you’ll leave behind. All the while, that social media platform is making money. Many people I know, perhaps even you reading this sentence right now, get the vast majority of their social interaction and consume the vast majority of their media through these systems which have been designed with the sole purpose of maximizing the amount of time spent looking at advertisements. To accomplish this, social media platforms (and by extension the promoted user generated content on said platforms) intentionally make their websites as addicting as possible. They develop algorithms to show you the posts that will keep you the most engaged, for better or for worse, because they need to keep your attention for as long as possible. It doesn’t matter if you have AdBlock and aren’t literally seeing advertisements, the systems these websites are built on still affect you and are still extremely dangerous. We have become addicted to refreshing the page in the hopes that we will get to see and consume more and more content like pigs at a trough, all for the benefit of the pasty nerds and rich people. Just to be clear, I’m not above this. You aren’t stupid for closing that tab just to reopen it moments later. Like I said, our best and brightest are intentionally designing these systems for their job. They are preying on the mind’s easily exploitable ability to become distracted and using it for possibly the most evil goal fucking imaginable. Facebook broke your brain to spam you with pop-up ads.

And so, as a result of being a scatterbrained creative with too much time on my hands and a stable internet connection, I have the worst of both worlds. I’m pushed by my lack of severe lack of self-discipline and easily distractible set of hobbies, and pulled by algorithms designed by a team of the nation’s top scientists to be as addicting and time-consuming as possible, into becoming a strange being consisting only of wasted time and untapped potential.

But no more, I say. It’s time I take matters into my own hands. These distractions are like the brambles of a jungle-- chaotic and ever-growing. I must cleave through them with my machete and create the sort of life I want to live in. It’ll be a life without distractions, without addictions. It’ll be a life of intentionality, of clarity. I will conquer this jungle.

2020 is the Year of Conquest. I’m taking back my life and making sure I live as intentional of a life as I possibly can. What’s so painful about distractions is how they can eat away an afternoon or an entire day you promised yourself you would spend working. I’m not going to never play a video game ever again, quite the opposite. I’m simply going to clearly define times where I will work and times I will play, there can’t be anymore ambiguity. When I’m working, I’m working. When I’m playing, I’m playing. And, of course, I will try as hard as I can to wrestle with my addiction to social media. I’m not leaving the internet, obviously. I will still use social media but, again, in an intentional manner. I will not allow my tools to seduce me. My phone does not get to beckon me to it with notifications and interrupt my work. I will use it when and only when I choose to.

All this might sound a bit vague, but that’s how themes work best. The Year of Conquest is simply the prompt, the starting point for a whole roster of specific resolutions. I fully intend to get more specific and walkthrough my actual plans/goals for the year, but if I just start listing them all right now then I’ll get a dopamine rush that’ll satiate my self-improvement appetite and I’ll end up not actually doing them. In general though, I’m going to use a combination of incentivizes, disincentivizes, and structural lifestyle changes to try and lead a more intentional life. These carrots, sticks, and tracks definitely can and will be explained in a future post but again that’s a story for another time. Probably tomorrow, it’s my bedtime.

(Send me asks and give me some feedback. It makes me happy to know people are actually reading.)

[loveforalfaaz]

Holding onto a toxic relationship and finally getting rid of it

Whether you want it or not, your parents plant mental and emotional seeds in you. These seeds grow as you do. In some families, they are seeds of love, respect and independence.

But not in all of them. In many others, they are seeds of fear, obligation, or guilt. There are many parents who act abusively towards their children, and such toxic behavior becomes consistent and dominant in a child’s life.

All parents make mistakes in upbringing. That’s normal, since there’s no perfect parent.

But there is a clear line when too many mistakes, especially repeating abusive behavior towards children, lead to a toxic home environment that does severe emotional damage to an innocent young person.

Parents who carry a promise of love and care, while at the same time mistreat their child, are called toxic parents.

Almost all toxic parents say they love their children, and they usually also mean it. But love involves much more than just expressed feelings. Real love towards children is also a way of behaving.

What toxic parents call love rarely comes up as nourishing, comforting, encouraging, respectful, valued and accepting behavior. Toxic parents usually do extremely unloving things in the name of love.

That’s how they cause great emotional damage to their children. Lost childhood, depression, anxiety, crippling feelings of guilt and shame, and low self-worth are only some of the frequent effects of toxic upbringing.

On top of that, we all tend to repeat familiar patterns of feelings, no matter how painful and self-defeating they may be. In other words, children of toxic parents try to reenact their old, painful experiences in other adulthood relationships. Consequently, a double damage is being done.

Children of abusive parents tend to become their own abusers. And soon abusers of others.

EVERY FAMILY IS A CAREFULLY DESIGNED SYSTEM

Every family is a system, a group of interconnected people, where each person is affected in profound and often hidden ways.

Every family is a complex network of a whole spectrum of positive and negative feelings – from love, pride, joy to jealousy, guilt and anxiety.

It’s a constant flow of the full range of human emotions. These emotions are connected to different needs, values, rules and beliefs.

But very little of a family system is immediately visible, on the surface. You have to go deep to see families’ hidden rules and emotional drivers. The deeper you go, the more you discover.

Hidden rules and underlying beliefs are the ones that drive attitudes, judgments and perceptions. These hidden rules and beliefs are often expressed in terms of “shoulds”, “oughts” and “supposed to’s”.

On the final level of communication, these beliefs can also be expressed as direct rules of what to do and what not to do.

In reasonably mature and caring families, the underlying beliefs and rules are formed in a direction where the feelings and needs of all family members are taken into consideration. The rules are reasonable and provide ethical and moral structure to a child’s development.

On the other hand, in toxic families the underlying beliefs and unwritten rules are almost always self-centered and self-serving in big favor of toxic parents.

In toxic families, the rules are based on a bizarre and distorted perception of reality, putting children in a place where they can be easily abused.

Examples of such toxic beliefs are:

Children should respect their parents no matter what

There are only two ways to do things – my way and the wrong way

Children should be seen but not heard

It’s wrong for children to be mad at their parents

And examples of unspoken toxic family rules can be:

Don’t be more successful than your father

Don’t be happier than your mother

Don’t lead your own life

Don’t ever stop needing me.

If children don’t obey these rules and toxic beliefs, parents react by inflictive punishment or withdrawing their love.

Consequently, children blindly obey abusive family rules, simply because they don’t want to be punished; and even more, children don’t want to be traitors to one’s family by not obeying, no matter how awful their position is.

A FAMILY SYSTEM WITHOUT PERSONAL FREEDOM IS A TOXIC SYSTEM

The single most dramatic difference between healthy and toxic families is how much freedom exists among family members – including children.

In healthy families exists complete freedom to express yourself as an individual in a respectful manner. Healthy families encourage:

Individuality

Autonomy

Responsibility

Independence

Sense of self-worth and adequacy

As a rule, unhealthy families discourage individual expression. Basically, everyone must conform to the thoughts and actions of the dominant toxic parent.

Toxic families blur personal boundaries, they promote fusion and welding together of family members, all subordinated to the will of toxic parents.

On an unconscious level, it’s hard for a family member to know where one ends and another begins. In an ill-advised effort to be close, toxic family members start to suffocate one another’s individuality.

Children in toxic families usually become prisoners of their parents’ moodiness.

In toxic families, the system functions in a way, where every decision a person makes becomes intricately interwoven with the rest of the family. An individual’s feelings, behaviors, and decisions are no longer made on a personal level.

A person is not themselves anymore, they’re only an extension of the family system. Children in such a toxic system needs constant approval from their parents, even for the smallest actions. These children logically become approval junkies in their life, constantly seeking their next fix.

As I said, every family is a system with many written and unwritten rules. Every system needs balance and toxic families are built on a very fragile system, where chaos is a way of life and everybody is dependent on the chaos.

To keep the toxic system together, toxic parents often fight the loss of equilibrium by increasing chaos. The more toxic the family, the less it takes to kick it off‑balance. That’s why toxic parents usually react to even minor deviations as if their lives are at stake.

IT’S VERY EASY TO LIVE IN DENIAL THAT YOUR PARENTS WEREN’T TOXIC

Many people have trouble seeing that the quality of the relationship with their caretakers, most often parents, has a major impact on their quality of life.

Because children have little frame of reference outside the family, all the things they learn about themselves and others become universal truths engraved deeply in their minds.

Research has shown  that the relationship with your parents actually has one of the greatest impacts on the quality of your life.

Nevertheless, it’s very hard to identify toxic families or admit that you were raised in one. There are several reasons for that:

First, toxic families usually present a very normal facade to the world. To the outside they look normal, only inside are they rotten.

Then children need to see their parents as perfect, and that can continue in adulthood.

Last but not least, toxic parents have their own narcissistic tendencies of seeing themselves as much better parents than they actually were.

Toxic parents make rules, judgments and inflict pain. That’s a hard truth to embrace.

That’s also why children of toxic parents usually live in denial, and toxic parents even have a denial system of their own, seeing themselves in a much better light than they actually are.

Family loyalty is a very powerful force in children’s lives, no matter how corrupt and toxic the family might be.

It’s much easier for a defenseless, dependent child to feel guilty for having done something bad (guilt), or even be bad (shame), and to deserve a parent’s rage, than to accept the fact, that their parent, the protector, can’t be trusted.

There are many different malicious ways in which parents can be toxic. The most common toxic behavioral patterns done to children are:

Calling them names and insulting them

Constantly criticizing

Using physical pain to discipline

Getting drunk or using drugs in front of the kids

Depressed and emotionally unavailable parents

A child taking care of the parent

Anything that needs to be kept secret

Being frightened of caretakers

Being afraid to express anger towards parents

Usually, toxic parents mistreat their children even when they become adults, and that can be seen in:

Treating an adult as if s/he is still a child

All major decisions have to be approved by parents (or there’s unconscious pressure)

Intense emotional reaction to spending time with parents

Being afraid to disagree with parents

Money manipulations

Feeling responsible for how parents feel

No matter what you do, it is never good enough for parents

Deep down you hope that your parents will change for the better someday

A toxic relationship with a parent also greatly influences all other relationships in an adult’s life, even the one with yourself. Unfortunately, in a negative way. The most common examples are:

Constantly entering abusive relationships, possessing the toxic attachment style (avoidant or anxious)

Believing that the people close to you will hurt or abandon you

You expect the worst from people and life in general

You don’t know very well who you are, what you feel and what you are

You are afraid people wouldn’t like you if they knew the real you

You feel like a fraud

You get angry or sad for no apparent reason (emotional flashbacks)

You have a hard time relaxing or having a good time

You are a perfectionist

In a way, you find yourself behaving like your parents, even if you don’t want to

The toxic behavior of parents as a rule leads to feelings of low self-esteem, which further leads to damaging intimate relationships, loss of confidence, feelings of inadequacy, paralyzing fear, unfocused rage, depression, anxiety, rage, procrastination, self-sabotage and many other destructive behaviors.

Since a child’s world is very narrow, parents represent the only available source of love and comfort, no matter how abusive they are. And that distorts how a child sees themselves, others and the whole world.

All healthy relationships, be they between adults or adults and children, require a big portion of vulnerability, trust and openness. These are the things that get completely destroyed in toxic families.

And as long as you deify your toxic parents, living or dead, you are agreeing to live by their version of reality, by their rules, usually far from who you are. You are accepting painful feelings as a part of your life, and it’s time to stop that.

Abuse: Any behavior that inflicts physical or emotional pain on a child, regardless of whether it leaves marks.

To be continued tomorrow.......

[eallisnwndrlnd]

A New Year. A New Decade.

As I type away, only a couple of hours to go to lead us into not only a new year but a new decade. So many memorable moments that happened this year…some good…some not so much.

2019, a year that began with anxiety and stress as I began my final semester and final year of college and ended it with uncertainty of what the next year will bring with a bit of hope that things will get better.

As I begin to reflect on my 2019, I note that even with all my downs I had a lot more ups and so much to be thankful for this year. As some of my family and friends had many new joys to celebrate there are others near and dear that also suffered a lot of hardships and loss this year. For them I hope that this New Year will bring hope, joy, peace and many more blessings.

I stressed over my academic performance as my college years were coming to a close. As I lost myself in my thesis and trying to complete it and finding that pulling my hair strand by strand may have been less painful of a process. The stress of personal issues happening at home, my deepening depression, and self-inflicted stress from school, led to me smoking a ciggy after being more than 2 years smoke free. Albeit only two lung cancer sticks, but still a moment of succumbing to my go-to distressing vice. I was, however, more determined than ever to survive my senior year being on top. With many late, tiring nights I worked towards ending on a high note. And boy did I. After having graduating high school 19 years ago, I, Ethni, at 37 years of age FINALLY graduated college…as a foreign student…with honors to boot! Can you believe it folks? I actually managed to graduate cum laude. Holy mother of fruitloops, how the frak did I even do that and not go bald? An academic acknowledgement I never dreamed possible four years ago when I started my first year of college. An honor that I can solely chuck up to hard work and determination no matter how much I lacked in confidence or ability. Alas, I finally completed a long held dream to obtain a college degree even if it took me a long time to get there. Of course the dream initially was graduating back home years ago in my dream school NYU-Tish, but hey, there are moments when dreams and goals change depending on what cards you’re dealt with and how you deal with them.

This year I was able to go back home for a visit after being away for five years. Oh how I missed my family and friends and OMG the FOOD. (the latter gifted me 20 extra pounds to take back to the Philippines) As I went back to visit the people nearest and dearest to my heart, unfortunately not having enough time to see all of them,  I couldn’t help but feel nostalgic. How much has changed in just those five years amazed me. I felt so odd when I visited my old workplace. I hardly remembered the halls I once roamed for three years. It felt so much farther back in time than it was that it almost felt like a dream rather than actual memories. I also found some odd connection to my hometown of Los Angeles that I don’t remember ever having in all the time that I lived there. Perhaps being away for as long I had gave me some new perspective of my birthplace that was something other than being at odds with it and not feeling like I belonged. Basically I can say I don’t hate L.A. as much as I did when I was so desperate to move away from it.

After graduating, I had so many things I still needed to complete before I could even begin to search for my new direction in life. I had to change my student visa status which was a trying and pricey task. I had to finalize the printing and binding of my thesis which I finally managed to do only a month ago…ahh ever the procrastinator that I, at times, can be.

As a part of my student visa downgrading tasks of having to deport myself briefly and return with tourist visa status, I was able to check off yet another goal of mine from my ever changing and growing bucket list. My ma and I made a three day vacation of it in Tokyo, Japan. This was a city I had wanted to visit for years but had to work at convincing my mom to let our trip itinerary be in Tokyo. With her memories of WW2 as a child, I couldn’t really blame her but thankfully she finally said yes. Tokyo is a remarkable city with a lot of history and traditions. We found the Japanese people to be some of the most respectful, disciplined, welcoming and helpful people we ever had the honor of meeting throughout our travels. There were a handful of standout moments like where one young lady even walked opposite of her direction to help show us where our hotel was. I definitely will make plans to return one day but for longer than the three days we were there and make sure that I go to Mount Fuji. 

Out of what I had hoped to accomplish from what I wrote last new year, I only managed to check off a few but hey, we all know that even one being checked off is practically a miracle for many of us.

I did get to learn a new language, bombarding my phone with language apps. I have managed to nearly memorize the Hangul alphabet. Now I just need to start memorizing the actual vocabulary and I’ll be good. I can now at least read several of the ingredients on Korean cosmetics and skincare products.  I have also added some words in Chinese, Japanese, French, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, German, Gaelic, and Russian. (I tried Arabic but I need a one on one assistance with that one rather than an app) In one or two more years I hope to at least be mediocre in my ability to speak and understand Korean while learning a few more words from other languages. Of course I sometimes get confused as hell mixing up foreign words and their translations in my head. Some Chinese leaks into Korean sentences and Portuguese gets muddled with Spanish, Italian and French. The proper pronunciations and accents also get flipped around. I already had this issue with my second language, Tagalog, finding itself mixed in with my first language of English (U.S.) With my memory issues also adding to this problem, I may find myself one day accidentally saying a multilingual sentence without realizing it. I already have a bad habit of going Taglish around people who only understand the English part. 

I did cook and bake a lot more this year than I did last year to the point that my mother is complaining that I am spending too much money and time on ingredients for my baked concoctions. I even took the time to cook vegan dishes for much of my school lunches during my last semester. I did love to bake more often than cooking this year thus partly to blame for my added weight gain…

As one recent unsolicited comment from a male FB acquaintance said…”u really fat” Yes, darlin’, thank you so much for that ‘oh so keen’ observation (FYI I have a mirror and a plucking scale of my own. I don’t need input I didn’t ask for nor need. Ever heard the phrase “if you ain’t got nothing nice to say...shut tf up”?) . As he so gracefully put it, yes I’ll admit I added a bit more junk in my trunk this year rather than shedding it. And? Yeah so I admit, I piled on the dessert and snacks and revisited my obsession with video games that had me mimic the physical actions of a sloth or an overly blubbered seal to the point that I nearly gave myself tennis elbow and the posture of Igor. It also didn’t help that my fybro kept flaring up on and off this year which made me feel like a Golden Girl could take me down in one fell swoop and outrun me. Not to mention my constant and annoying friend that is called clinical depression and chronic anxiety that kept nipping at my heels that I’m lucky that I can even act like a functioning human most of the time. The fact that I can tell my inner negative voice to shut the duck up most of the time and ignore it, as well as wishing to not wake up at all only twice this year is a frakking miracle in itself. (Seriously though...what is up with some people that feel the need to foist their shallow insights on those that did not solicit it. And the added ludicrousness that sometimes this is supposed to lead into a flirt-on...I mean what kind of hells bells reverse psychology load of horse manure is that?)      

Unfortunately I did not read any books this year but I did read more news articles and try to keep myself up to date on current events. (and try tried to stay sane while reading them)

My writing progress stalled and I only have a long list of story ideas to show from it. There is one story I recently started outlining that I find hopeful. I think it has the legs to be a decent script if I can manage to focus on its development. That will be a big focus this coming year…to gain some momentum in my writing.

(currently being distracted by the onslaught of illegal fireworks popping in my neighborhood, hoping my house and neighborhood manages to survive these irresponsible idiots.)

The promise to keep up with my daily checklist died a hollow death early on in the year with my senior year and thesis weighing me down from being able to stay consistent. Well there’s always next year.

Sadly I didn’t get any higher in Gurushots but I did get one of my shot viewed along with other peoples work at a showing. Yay for the small things!

I did sell several of my clothes and accessories but still way more to go before I can say I am done. Like a HEEP load. Every time I see some clothes I want to buy I have to keep repeating “no more clothes” over and over again. I just try to picture Hasan Minhaj’s piece on fast fashion to control those horrible habits of mine. 

Even though I didn’t successfully check off a lot of what I wanted to complete for this year, I still look back to this year as a decent one even with my ever present depression and anxiety looming over me. Dude, I graduated college, I learned a new language, and I knocked off Tokyo from my bucket list. I think that was enough to make my year above meh and almost a big YAY!

As I near the close of this annual report of mine, I list these goals and hopes not set in stone but in rainbows (oh yes I just went there into ridiculousness!!!)

May I find a job I actually like rather than what I just deem as a necessary obligation to obtain a paycheck.

I will learn enough Korean to be able to legitimately claim that I am multilingual.

Finish reading the books that I have collected on my shelf before I leave the Philippines.

Cook and bake with a bit more flair and add more complicated dishes to my repertoire.

Sell and clear out more of my shit to prepare me for our move back stateside if all goes according to plan.

If I manage to shed enough off my caboose to fit in the jeans I already own that will be a small victory in itself and the only goal that deals with my rollipollies for the year. If any extra manages to come off along the way that’ll be just an added bonus.

Hitting reset on my daily checklist and will do my best to let it last longer than last year (I can say that now as it is currently past midnight and officially 2020 in my neck of the woods)

If I do move back stateside this year I will start saving towards my future goal of getting me a tiny home. (Seriously the perfect solution to my wanting a permanent home but not a permanent address and thus my added reason to shed the burden of most of my crap)

Complete my story outline and treatment and finalize the first draft of a 45 minute script.

Delve a bit more into my art and photography as well.

Get more sleep…(crappy sleeping habits I can lay blame to my current gaming and ongoing kdrama addiction and mindless internet browsing habits)

Begin volunteering once again.

With my final moving destination still unknown dependent on the job prospects I get, pretty sure I won’t be able to mark off any other travel destinations or adventures for the coming year.

Just be healthier not only in body but in mind and soul overall. I need to work on alleviating my health issues that aggravate my fybro as well as my anxiety. If my brain could shut the frak up and calm the frak down, and keep my ma’s schizophrenic outbursts and episodes to no more than an hour a day at least once in a while would be oh so lovely.

As long as I keep going and progress even in baby steps I will eventually get there.

For those that know me and my political ideology, they know what I especially hope for this year. Please oh please if there are any actual deities that exist or even if there isn’t…please let that outcome be a good one.

Now I end my annual New Year musings with a Happy New Years greeting to everyone. May we all find good and peace in this new year and may we have a better decade than the last one.

Goodbye 2019, I can’t say I’ll really miss thee. And goodbye to another decade.

Hello 2020, be better dammit and I promise that I will strive towards making it a positive and productive one for me, my family, my friends and with that, some decent contribution to this world we all live in.

[bloodbreadandtarot]

New Year Tarot Spread, 2019

Last year’s spread. Yes, a lot of it came to pass and it was awful, but we’re here.

Card 1: The previous year in summary The Moon

Illusion, fear, anxiety, subconscious, intuition

The Moon represents your fears and illusions and often comes out when you are projecting fear into your present and your future, based on your past experiences. You may have a painful memory that caused emotional distress, and rather than dealing with the emotions you pushed them down deep into your subconscious. Now, these emotions are making a reappearance, and you may find yourself under their influence on a conscious or subconscious level.

Card 2: What you have learned from the past year

The Wheel of Fortune

Good luck, karma, life cycles, destiny, a turning point

The Wheel of Fortune reminds you that the wheel is always turning and life is in a state of constant change. If you’re going through a difficult time rest assured that it will get better from here. Good luck and good fortune will make their return in time.

The Wheel of Fortune is also known as the wheel of karma and reminds you that ‘what goes around comes around.’ Be a kind and loving person to others, and they’ll be kind and loving to you. 

The Wheel of Fortune card asks you to be optimistic and have faith that the Universe will take care of your situation in the best way possible.

Card 3: What you aspire to in the next twelve months The Sun Reversed (I got this same card in this placement last year with a different deck, holy shit)

Happiness, joy, illumination, triumph delayed.

The Sun reversed can mean you are struggling to see the bright side of life. You may have experienced setbacks that damaged your enthusiasm and optimism and perhaps led you to question whether you can achieve what you set out to do. You may feel depressed or left out and are no longer enjoying what you are doing. Your direction and path ahead may appear clouded or distorted.

Nonetheless, the Sun is never a negative card, so this is only temporary. The obstacles you see can be easily removed if you put your mind to it. It may just take a bit more effort than usual.

Card 4: What empowers you in reaching your aspirations Eight of Wands Reversed

Delays, frustration, resisting change, internal alignment.

The Eight of Wands reversed suggests that you are charging ahead with an idea or plan, but you need to slow down and consider your next steps before continuing. You may be missing something in your haste and prone to making mistakes or poor decisions. Or, you may be rushing into things without a clear plan of where you are heading, instead investing time into insignificant tasks. Be careful of the ‘bright shiny object syndrome’ where, just as you get started on implementing one idea, another one comes to mind, and you quickly switch your focus. On the other hand, the reversed Eight of Wands may be a sign that you are aligning your resources so that you can actively pursue your goal. You are getting your life in order – physical health, emotional well-being, energy levels or spirituality – so that you are in a good position to move forward with your plans.

Card 5: What may stand in the way of reaching your aspirations Justice Reversed

Unfairness, lack of accountability, dishonesty

When Justice appears reversed, she asks if you if you are truly being honest with yourself about an area that seems to be out of balance. The root cause might be a lack of honesty or clarity concerning the issue confronting you. It takes courage to be honest with yourself. This is especially true when you are attached to a certain outcome. To get things back into harmonious equilibrium you must embrace and accept truth. Your truth can be found in your heart. It is far beneath your anxieties. It resides in a peaceful place, apart from emotion and attachments to outcomes.

Card 6: Your relationships and emotions in the coming year The Emperor Reversed

Domination, excessive control, lack of discipline, inflexibility.

The reversed Emperor calls on you to assess your relationship with power, control, authority, responsibility and discipline. Are you expressing too much or too little of these elements in your life right now? Are they working for you or against you?

Seek to find a solution where you lead from a place of personal power and enable others to do the same. 

Sometimes, the reversed Emperor asks you to stand up to authority. You may feel fed up with an overbearing boss or a hierarchical organisation and feel compelled to enter a more flexible and adaptive environment. You are sick of having to always work within the confines of a particular structure or way of doing things, and you want to break free from it.

Card 7: Your career, work, and finances Ace of Wands

Inspiration, new opportunities, growth, potential.

As an Ace, the Ace of Wands brings you pure potential, this time in the spiritual, energetic realm. Ideas are flowing to you easily and effortlessly. You feel motivated and inspired to pursue a new path. And you are open to receive new opportunities that are in alignment with you. A whole new world of possibility is opening up for you.

The Ace of Wands offers you encouragement to follow your heart and live your passion. If you are feeling a strong calling towards a new project or path, but are questioning whether it will work or not, then this card gives you a gentle nudge to follow your passion.

Card 8: Your health and well-being The Lovers

Love, harmony, relationships, values alignment, choices.

In this card, there is a balance of energy. When two people come together, they are stronger than one.

Use this balancing energy and the love of the people around you to guide you as you make decisions about your health.

You won’t be any good to anyone if you are unhealthy, ill, or in pain. You must take care of yourself, but you don’t have to go it alone. Ask for help and find a committed partner to support you as you make these life changes.

Card 9: Your spiritual energy and inner fulfillment Ace of Pentacles Reversed

Scarcity, deficiency, instability, insecurity.

The Ace of Pentacles reversed can indicate that you may be allowing fears of scarcity or not having what you need influence your behaviour and causing you to act in a stingy and greedy manner. You may have more resources leaving your life than you have coming in when it appears.

It can also indicate that the loss of the security of a previous relationship may be leaving you feeling vulnerable and anxious.

In a spiritual context, the Ace of Pentacle reversed indicates that you may be missing opportunities for spiritual growth or that focus on material matter may be delaying your spiritual development or sending you off course on your spiritual path. Try to refocus on your true spiritual self rather than focusing on material possession or wealth.

Card 10: What you most need to focus on for the year ahead The Devil Reversed

Releasing limiting beliefs, exploring dark thoughts, detachment

The reversed Devil calls on you to confront your inner fears and anxieties to free yourself from the chains that bind you to your limiting beliefs and unhealthy attachments. Eliminate those things you know are harmful to you and your inner psyche. It may be about creating a healthier diet, watching less television, quitting smoking, spending more time with your loved ones, or focusing more on your goals. Take this opportunity to bring about positive change in your life by staying focused on the ultimate goal of freedom.

The Devil reversed can also appear when you are going into your deepest, darkest places – whether or not you are ready. When you take this path consciously, you do so with strength, confidence and courage. You seek to understand your innermost shadows so you can either release them or integrate them into your life in a more constructive way. When you do it unconsciously, or with resistance, it can be very confronting as you may begin to realise you are very different from who you thought you were. You may enter a period of anxiety or depression, or experiencing dark thoughts you struggle to understand. If this resonates, then please seek out a trained therapist to help you work through this time.

Card 11: What will be your most important lesson in the coming year Page of Pentacles Reversed

Lack of progress, procrastination, learn from failure

When the Page of Pentacles card appears reversed, it may point to your lack of focus. There is a possibility that you are being distracted with lots of things. Try to borrow the talents of this page and focus your mind before moving on the next thing.

It may also indicate that you need to give yourself a break to refresh your mind. With regards to work, the Page of Pentacles reversed may signify that you are currently feeling overwhelmed due to the heavy demands in your workplace. Remember that it is always better to ask for assistance and complete the work rather than to try to finish it all by yourself and end up failing to do so.

Card 12: Overall, where are you headed in the next twelve months Nine of Swords Reversed

Inner strength, self-doubt, low energy, raw emotion.

If you have recently experienced a setback, you may be vulnerable and lacking in self-confidence. Know that your core strength will always be with you and now is as good a time as any to reconnect with this power. In fact, you may hold more strength and resilience than you give yourself credit for – so, be kind to yourself. You can also reinvigorate your self-assurance and self-esteem by collecting evidence from your past that proves you have what it takes to succeed and overcome these temporary challenges.

2019′s reading almost seems more intimidating than 2018, which I didn’t think was possible. 2018 was a rough year for me, but if the cards are to be believed again it doesn’t exactly look like smooth sailing ahead for this upcoming year, either.

My plans for the year:

I took a break from school, and I did not move out of Texas (yet). I hope to achieve some of the goals I put on hold last year. I’m content with my job now, but I still see it as a stepping stone for my future ambitions. My friends are still talking about moving to Denver, but we’ll see about that.

I want to finish my thesis.

I want to maintain the healthy connections I have and continue to nourish them.

I am happy with my job, and I’m happy with where I live, but if a good opportunity presents itself, I want to be brave enough to pursue it.

[reverenceforthedead]

Birth Chart Reading

I did a (hopefully somewhat decent) reading of @champagne-memes‘s birth chart <3 Thanks for letting me practice my skills a bit :) If you have any questions at all, please let me know! I tried making this as thorough for you as possible. 

So first of all, let me just start off by saying, I didn’t touch any of the houses (and if i did it was only for a brief moment). I didn’t want to overwhelm you with information so I only really stuck to the basics with this and things that I thought were important for you to know :) If you would like to me dig around and do your houses for you, and maybe even provide some fun facts for you about yourself, just message me and let me know! I can and will gladly do so for you. But without further ado, lets dive right in! 

Lets start with the basics: What are the signs, and what do they represent?

the Sun sign represents ego; it’s the very core of who we are. 

the Moon represents our subconscious; our emotions and inner thoughts. 

Our Ascendant/Rising represents how we come off to other people. Basically this is our first impression, and occasionally this can have some influence over our appearance. 

Mercury represents how we communicate with one another. 

Venus is how we show love; it’s what we’re drawn to romantically. 

Aries is our anger, inner drive, frustrations, what we find pleasing sexually.

Jupiter is our education, spirituality, passions, beliefs, luck, etc. 

Saturn represents structure, discipline, and limitations. 

Uranus represents our awakening, innovations, our rebellion. 

Neptune is how we dream, our imagination. 

Pluto is how we handle death, rebirth, our deepest secrets, and challenges.

Midheaven is our careers, wealth, responsibilities,  and achievements. 

And finally, your Lilith is the bad things about us. It’s our dark side that we try to hide. 

Okay, Amber, that’s fine and all but what does my chart say about me?

I’m VERY glad you asked! 

Your Sun is in Taurus: This makes you stubborn, practical, and often skeptical. You love serenity, and peace. You can be materialistic, and lazy. On your bad days, you have irregular eating patterns and you become more quiet and reserved. You also express fatigue when you’re feeling withdrawn. 

Your Moon is in Taurus as well. This makes you very convinced your ideas are right, and you follow them through. You’re strong willed, trustworthy, and love routine (which is weird considering the rest of your chart is against it). You’re also very welcoming but you can bottle up your emotions. Did you lack something in childhood? Affection, maybe? 

Your Mercury is ALSO in Taurus. You’re faithful to your ideas, and very unchangeable. You’re quietly opinionated, persistent, and careful in speech. Deliberate, and learns best through the senses. You can be stubborn and withdrawn on your bad days. 

Your Venus is in Cancer. You practically crave security and inner and outer peace. Patient, dependable, and sentimental are just a few words to describe your love. You show your love by caring for those closest to you and your lover. You pay more attention to how he’s feeling than what he’s expressing if that makes sense. (For an example: Billy says he’s fine but you sense something is bothering him). You can be a little moody when it comes to love and you might have a hard time letting go of past hurt. 

Your Mars is in Libra.  You like to reflect on things before you act on them. Do you suck at making decisions? Its okay, me too. You might procrastinate. You like to weigh all of your options before coming to a well thought out decision. You like to defend not only yourself, but others as well. Your prone to compromise to make everyone happy, and you can be passive aggressive. 

Your Jupiter is in Aries:  You’re forceful, energetic, faithful, and you like to seek adventures and new experiences. You believe in positivity, and you prefer to be independent. You love knowledge. You love knowing and learning things. 

Your Saturn is in Taurus: You hate the idea of greed and anyone who shows it. Remember how I said you like routine? Well jokes on me, cause you low key loath it. However you are disciplined, respectful, and practical. 

Your Uranus is in Aquarius. You crave to be progressive. Everything in you goes against the social norm. You really enjoy doing things that excite you most. 

Your Neptune is in Aquarius.  This makes you a generous person. You resolve problems to fit almost everyone’s needs. You like/have a very extravagant love. 

Your Pluto is in Sagittarius.  You idolize love. You have great aspirations and dreams. You’re open minded, and you seek meaning and purpose in your life. 

Your Rising/Ascendant is in Virgo.  I divided this up into parts so it’s a bit easier to understand: Physical Aspects: Broad forehead, oval face, broad shoulders, pale skin? This makes you: Intelligent, anxious, analytical, perfectionist, helpful, and reserved. 

Your Midheaven  is in Gemini.  You strive to be intelligent and funny. Did you have a strict teacher-student relationship with your parent? Perhaps you were scolded a lot? You have this deep urge to explore and find truth because of this neglect in childhood. You would do well in a job with lots of communication and interactions with the public. 

Then, finally, your Lilith  is in Scorpio. This too will be divided into a few parts so it’s easier to understand :). Upside: Pleasurable, intimidating, passionate, and intuitive. Dark Side: Manipulative, aggressive, Lying, you like getting reactions out of people. Weakness: You can feel empty and alone. Was there some type of trauma/abuse when you were a child? You also fear of losing control of your life. 

To make a long post even longer, I noticed you have some Retrogrades in your chart. And I can hear you asking right now...

What the heck are retrogrades? 

And it’s just a big ol’ word for the period of time where a planet looks like it was in a stationary position and then suddenly it was rotating backwards. Others, such as myself, believe its a sign of past lives. On your chart you have a few, but for the sake of not wanting to overwhelm you, I’m only going to touch on three. 

Retrograde in Mars.  You might have a hard time standing up for yourself in a confrontation. You don’t like competition, and are prone to fits of anger instead of healthier emotional outbursts. You can sometimes come off too strong to others. 

Retrograde in Neptune.  You sometimes struggle to show compassion. You hide your insecurities, and finds comfort in being reserved and private. You have a realistic outlook on life, and even though you try to think positive, you’re prone to think negatively. 

Retrograde in Pluto.  You struggle to trust others. You have a fear of being controlled, manipulated, or betrayed. To hide this, you crave power. You like to keep to yourself. 

Just some things I noticed in your chart: There’s a friend you have/had in your life that’s not in your best interest. They’re self centered, be weary of them. Perhaps you don’t like them but your current/past lover likes them a lot. 

I also noticed you might have some trauma in your life. Don’t let it define you. You might be holding on to the grudge/pain. It will consume you if you allow it. 

This took me an hour and a half to do hahaha. I hope its thorough enough; again if you want me to take a crack out of your houses, and do some more in depth reading I can :) There’s a whole bunch of stuff I could tell you about yourself, but I’ll let you decide. 

[what-even-is-thiss]

Fic, An Anxious Touch

@burntblackfeathers requested a fic about Anxiety being able to transfer negative emotions or feelings when he touches someone, which is an awesome idea if you ask me. And I really wanted to get it right I rewrote it like three times am I done yet its one AM

Tip Jar

Warnings: Injury mention. Bruises and muscle damage. Panic attack brief mention, but it plays no part in the story. 2,464 words.

Abstract: Pain. Panic. Discomfort. Fear. Take or give. All with a touch.

Anxiety watched on as Thomas worked, in his opinion, far too slowly. Not enough was happening.

Anxiety began to worry that not nearly enough was getting done. So, Roman wanted perfection? Well, there was a way to get that done and complete the project in a reasonable time.

Anxiety made sure no one was looking and then rolled up his sleeves. He was going to have to be discrete about this, because he had done his best over the years to make the others forget he could do it.

He knelt invisibly beside Thomas and put his hand and lower arm over his host’s. Over the course of a minute or two, Thomas became frantic. He worked at a surprisingly rapid pace and became completely obsessed with the work.

As the hours went on, Anxiety felt all the things that were being forgotten. His stomach ached because they had worked straight through lunch, his mouth went dry from not enough water, and his joints ached because Thomas hadn’t really moved much in hours. Several times he thought about making him stop so they could do some basic self care, but he was too worried, and once Thomas got out of the zone it was difficult to get him back in.

Long after the sun had gone down, it was done. Anxiety took hold of Thomas’ wrist again and Thomas, having finished editing and uploading, suddenly realized he hadn’t eaten in a while. All the discomfort involved in not moving for hours finally caught up with him and he went to go get some water and walk around a bit.

With that, Anxiety decided he wasn’t needed anymore and sunk down into his area of the mindscape.

He took a walk through his simple dark hallways and began thinking about how nervous he actually was. Not for the first time, he considered jumping up wherever Roman was and grabbing his wrists, giving him all the worry and vague feelings he had.

But he couldn’t do that. He remembered what had happened last time.

Anxiety had spent years distancing himself from the others emotionally and physically. Back when they were all just vague ideas he used to touch the others to get rid of his feelings all the time, so baby Thomas would get nightmares or feel sad or neglected for no reason or do something stupid and be disciplined by his parents.

He had learned as they became self-aware that doing that only caused impulsiveness and more problems. Sometimes even embarrassment, and he could not stand embarrassment.

However, sometimes accidental touching was something that happened. The most recent incident had been at the end of the Valentine’s day video. Normally they didn’t touch each other during talks that would be made into videos because of obvious limitations involved, but a clever bit of editing had allowed Morality to trick Roman and Anxiety into holding hands.

Now, Anxiety hadn’t thought twice about touching “Valerie” because she was an imagined version of Thomas’ friend. She had no more emotions or mental functions than a robot or an NPC from a video game.

Roman, on the other hand, was an active self-aware part of Thomas’ mind.

As soon as Anxiety’s hand had touched the prince’s, he felt a surge of pure terror. What was going to happen? When he touched someone without notice the exchange could go either way. What was happening?

In the three seconds it took them to process what was happening and let go out of shock, the pure terror Anxiety was feeling flowed into Thomas’ creativity like water from a broken dam.

Even after they let go, there was still enough embarrassment and fear left in Anxiety’s mind that the two of them ran around and yelled in almost the exact same fashion.

Only after they calmed down did Anxiety realize that he couldn’t remember if there would be any long term side-effects. About half of his negative feelings had gone into Princey, so perhaps he wasn’t as worried as he should be, but he decided not to take it away. Who knows? Could be fun.

In the following weeks, Anxiety noticed a change. The prince was on edge, he became even more of a perfectionist than usual, and it soon became obvious that he was even doubting himself a little.

Part of the reason Thomas was procrastinating was because Roman was stressing perfection even more than usual. Anxiety was secretly loving this. He knew he shouldn’t have.

As Anxiety remembered all of this, he sighed. It was tempting to go back and make Roman feel that way again, then he wouldn’t be the problem all of the time, and maybe the royal pain could learn some humility.

He kept walking. It kept his mind off of how much he regretted taking what little residue was left of the negative emotions from Roman after the originality dilemma.

It had become clear to him that things would continue for at least a couple more weeks if he did nothing, so he had snuck in when Roman was sleeping, and concentrated so he could just assess what he was feeling.

His hand lay gently on the sleeping prince’s shoulder and he felt doubt and anger that was all too familiar. He wasn’t really in a state to take on more negative emotion, but he could tell it could be weeks before Roman was back to his unbearable effortlessly egotistical self. He drew the negative feelings that didn’t belong there into himself like a sponge.

Back in the present, the effects of the Valentine’s incident had long worn off, but using his weird curse/ability always made him think about it these days. He could use it for so much more than making things happen a little faster.

He could do something selfless for once, maybe. Perhaps take away Patton’s negative feelings and confusion on the rare occasions he had them. Maybe make Logan less tired when they were on a time crunch. He even briefly thought about the possibility of helping Prince, but that thought was soon gone. He had helped him enough already.

He could give them his negative feelings for a while. Finally let them understand. Give them the knot that formed in his chest when in a crowd, or let them feel like they were dying on the rare occasion he had an attack. When those happened he was extremely tempted.

He continued walking, not really realizing where he was going, when he realized that he was walking on a street.

It was a generic suburban neighborhood, with porch lights and streetlamps the only thing lighting up the night. Patton’s area. He had really been walking for a long time, hadn’t he?

He could go say hi. He knew which house Patton lived in. All the others were empty, and Morality had made it very clear that the others were always welcome. When they hung out all together, it was usually in Morality’s living room.

Visiting Morality. That was almost as tempting as attacking Roman with insecurities. Morality would probably welcome a hug. He could touch the dad’s neck for just a second and take away all his cares, or make him tired, or anything else.

Nah. Maybe not.

Anxiety walked over to one of the neatly manicured lawns and lay down on it. Since this was the way Patton envisioned the world, of course there was no light pollution. The stars danced and moved and swirled like a drop of blood in water. They swirled slowly and made no sense. It was nice.

He could just fall asleep here, on the perfect grassy lawn with no bugs in it, watching the imaginary stars swirl like a Van Gogh painting. However, if he slept in the realm of one of the others that tended to affect their mood. The last time he had fallen asleep at Patton’s house they had all become unusually lethargic.

He wondered for the first time if that was a variation of the touch thing. Maybe. Ah, who knows?

He got up and yawned. Maybe he would go to sleep on time for once. As he was walking down the street back towards his own area, however, he noticed a figure coming down another one of the streets.

He squatted behind a bush and looked through the leaves. It was Roman, limping badly.

He stood up as the prince walked by.

“Hey, Princey,” He said, not knowing what was compelling him to do what he was about to do.

Prince grimaced in pain and disgust when he saw Anxiety.

“What are you doing here, Jack the reaper?” he snarled

“Did you seriously just compare me to the grim reaper and a serial killer?”

“Perhaps. I can only suspect what horrible things you are doing. You never come here without an invitation,”

“As far as you know,” Anxiety said with an evil smirk.

“Never mind,” Prince huffed. “I have no time to talk to you. I must see Morality,”

“Uh, why don’t you just teleport there?” Anxiety asked.

The prince looked down and mumbled in a volume Anxiety could barely understand “I can’t concentrate,”

Tears of pain welled up behind Roman’s eyes and he took a deep breath to compose himself.

“Not that you care,” He grumbled as he started to walk off. “Just don’t get in my way,”

Anxiety sighed. He still couldn’t believe he was about to do this, but there was far too much going on for Thomas to have a bruised ego. Oh well. Maybe this could be his good deed of the month. Didn’t wanna be nice too often.

He pulled the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands and then grabbed hold of Roman’s arm. Before the injured man could twist away, he snapped his fingers and they were in Roman’s room.

“What on Earth are you doing, villain?” Prince cried out. “I cannot, I… Ow,”

Roman clutched at his side, obviously in a lot of pain. Anxiety sighed. “Calm down for half a minute, will ya? Or I might just change my mind about helping you,”

Roman continued to protest, but was too weak to put up much resistance as Anxiety forced his top shirt and shoes off of him. Once he had done that he pulled his hoodie off, showing his exposed arms to one of the others for the first time in years.

He supported Roman with his left arm and held on to the arm that fit over his shoulders with his right one. Prince wore a sleeveless undershirt under his regal attire, so when he took his top layer off his arms and most of his shoulders were completely exposed.

As he led Roman to the bed he started by moving his own increasing tiredness into the other. The combined fatigue and sleepiness was so much that Roman fell asleep almost the exact instant Anxiety threw him onto the bed.

Anxiety stretched before continuing. He felt wide awake now. Annoyingly so. He wouldn’t be sleeping for hours.

He put his hand on the sleeping prince’s forehead and assessed the situation. Yes, Roman didn’t have to remember any of this.

He cringed, but made as much skin to skin contact as he dared, resting his lower arms and hands on Princey’s arms and pushing their foreheads together.

He had to hold himself like this for about a minute. There was a lot to transfer. He prayed the entire time as bruises appeared on his person and Roman’s horrible memories of being beaten flowed into him that nobody needed either of them or decided to pay Roman a visit.

He hated this. He hated it so much. This much physical contact for this long was really weird and uncomfortable, and the entire time he was taking on injuries.

After it was done, Anxiety fell on the floor, alert but injured, and with some new unpleasant memories that weren’t exactly his own. He hadn’t taken the confusion away, so he could still concentrate.

He sucked in a sharp breath of air through his teeth as he put his hoodie back on. Man, Roman had really gotten himself beaten up bad this time, hadn’t he? How had he even walked all that way?

Anxiety stood up, supporting himself on Roman’s needlessly gilded bed frame.

“See if I help you again, you reckless idiot,” He growled. “I mean it. I am not helping you again. Moron. You better not remember this,”

He grimaced as he raised his hand in the air and snapped his fingers. He appeared in his own mercifully dark room and sat down on the bed and pulled his shoes off.

He lay on the bed, staring into the darkness. He couldn’t sleep. Not one bit. All of his tiredness was keeping Roman asleep right now, and Roman’s injuries were littering Anxiety’s body.

He sat there in the dark, regretting his decision. Strangely enough though, he had no desire to reverse it. He also knew he never wanted to do it again.

He remembered the stars in Morality’s imaginary neighborhood. He wondered if he himself was capable of conjuring up such a thing. Again he considered visiting Patton. What would be there in that little mindpalace house? Hot soup and sleeping pills. A warm couch to lie on and a happy voice that would tell happy stories until he fell asleep.

No. That wasn’t for him.

He stared into the darkness until dawn. The hours ticked by like years and he was aware the entire time of every bruise and muscle injury and cut on him. It sucked. It really truly sucked.

The next week made him regret all of his life choices. His injuries weren’t obvious because he kept so covered up, but it was still a pain to move. Thankfully though, the others didn’t see him often anyways and when he begrudgingly agreed to visit Morality for a movie musical marathon he didn’t have to move much. It was apparent that Roman remembered nothing. Good. Couldn’t have him think Anxiety had done something for him.

He still did his job with the same twisted enthusiasm as ever. He still threw insults and held Thomas back from doing things and reminded him of deadlines without stopping. The only thing that changed was how much he slept.

After that first hellish sleepless night, he slept much more than usual. As much as twelve hours, so Thomas that week actually had less anxiety right before bed and right after waking up.

After the week from Hell, which he had called this in his head, was over he flopped face down on his bed after the day was over and sighed.

Stupid Roman. He meant it. He was never going to do that again. Ever.

[thethirdamendment]

On Self-Discipline

I am going to begin this post as I begin almost all of my posts: I know its been too long since I have posted. I haven’t felt much like writing. I definitely want to write more when I am depressed. Perhaps I subscribe to the stereotype that mental illness makes me creative. I definitely want the pain that is bursting out of my head to be expressed or felt. When I am having good days, I feel comfortable with the smallness of me. I am more at peace. Today, I am fine. More of a contemplative day than anything. And I felt like writing.

I had an hour-long conversation with myself this morning about what I various aspects of who I am. And I think I have figured out what my fatal flaw is. My greatest personality deficiency is my lack of self-discipline. I cannot force myself to do anything. I very much do what I want; what makes me the most immediately happy. And I know full well the logical problems with this way of living (which is why I consider it a flaw, not a feature).

I would love to be the kind of person who can force myself to work when I want to read, to read when I want to browse snapchat, to run when I want to walk, etc. And eventually, the anxiety of having an assignment looming over me forces me to complete the assignment. But its all-too easy for me to procrastinate. To not care until I am forced to care. 

So what can I do about this? Some cursory googling suggests a few things:

1. Clearly establish goals. Write them down. Cross them out when completed. Break down big projects into small goals. Plan out what I want accomplished over a day, a week, and a month. 

2. Prioritize. Triage tasks that need to be completed. Set firm deadlines. Also consider what is a personal priority for me; what do I care about, what do I not? 

3. Remove distractions. Leave my phone out of arms reach when I am reading. Go to the library when I need to work. Set out the food I am going to eat for the day at the beginning of the day. etc...

4. Establish habits. Don’t wait for things to feel right, just go out and do it. The quality of work doesn’t diminish as much as I might expect it to. Sit and stare at a blank screen and do nothing else until my brain is so bored that the assignment is the only source of stimulation it is. The more I do it, whatever it is, the more it will become routine. The more routine it feels, the easier it gets.

5. Reward myself with breaks and treats. Classic example would be a diet cheat day.  I have tried to build these into my routine, but as soon as I think of something I want, I just eat it or do it and then it loses its efficacy. I don’t have the self-discipline to withhold rewards from myself!

6. Forgiveness. Forgive yourself when I screw up. But still deny yourself the reward.

Now to figure how out to implement these into my life....

[looye29]

Live life King Size!! Is it really that easy?! People are always thinking of ways to improve their life, finance, business, physical and mental health, but are they truly successful? Even those who claim they are absolutely fine, have had to struggle and are often led into a dark jungle, from where wriggling out was a pain. We all need a guide to lead us from the front towards achieving a happy and successful life. As someone who’s been very curious about living the right kind of life, I came across Ancient Secrets of Kings by Winter Vee in my journey of a good book on personal development. Here I give you an in-depth review of the book and what it teaches. What are the Ancient Secrets of Kings This is a program that helps you change your present self into someone with self-confidence. You should feel powerful and start being the best version of yourself. The Winter Vee believes that we just need to take a cue from the others who have been so. The book takes the examples of three great rulers - Khufu from Egypt, Qin Shi Huang from China, and Solomon from Israel. Three powerful Kings who were the epitome of power. As the book's very name tells us, it talks about what these ancient Kings practiced and how you can adapt their principles to better your life. The program helps you identify your natural talents and understand how gifted you are. Taking off from there, you can develop yourself in the best direction. The eBook comes with modules, and you must learn them individually. The information is easy to understand, and you can implement the principles in your life almost immediately. How The Ancient Secrets of Kings Works This digital course discloses the secrets successful people and kings used for a long time to get happiness and wealth. The program comes in the form of an eBook and DVD, making it simple to comprehend. It starts by telling you what the ancient kings did. You can compare what you have presently with what they had and try to mend your personality. You may initially find yourself a tad uncomfortable with the changes, but you will be guided not to lose hope. The book takes you through very inspiring life pillars. There are three key pillars that Winter Vee talks about. The China Pillar: Here, Vee talks about the nuances of building boundaries to keep yourself from attacks or being misguided in your efforts. You will become more disciplined and shed off all procrastination tendencies. This gives you better control over how you spend your time. You will be able to stay away from unnecessary thoughts, thereby improving productivity. You will focus on staying on track while working and plan better scheduling of events. The distractions of life that break you down are kept away. You will be shown how boundaries are the first stepping stone to lay the foundation for your success. The Egypt Pillar: Here, you will be told the secret of how to get rich and the ways to use your wealth properly. You will learn to plan how to earn the money you very much need. Organization is key. Having a positive frame of mind and keeping people with negativity at bay is very essential for achieving this. The pillar introduces you to the tools that bring abundance to your life by creating it first within you. The Israeli Pillar: This pillar talks about achieving peace by being on good terms with your surroundings. It teaches you the importance of being cordial with one and all around you. The peace, which was what you were looking for, becomes your wealth. You need to live through hard times with patience and not hesitate to get help from somebody when you are unclear about moving ahead. You will learn to keep anger away from you. You are given tools to avoid anger and develop inner peace. Your brain learns to use the resources available to you rather than worry about what you lack. Imbibing these principles will push you towards the goals you want to achieve. The program aims at reducing negativity that will pull you down.

Negative thoughts greatly influence all your actions, so when you tune your mind to performing tasks in a totally different way, your life also changes significantly. Your outlook changes entirely, and you look for other means to get over hardships. It teaches you to plan to be a unique person with changes that others cannot quickly achieve. You will need to list out what your accomplishments should be and plan accordingly. You would have learned to be productive with your time and effort. As a bonus to your order, there are some audio programs for self-improvement, which include: Million Dollar Mind The Success Advantage Credit Score Secrets Personal Reflections Guide Being a Winner Subliminal Music Achieve Peak Performance Subliminal Music Reach Your Goals Subliminal Music Pros Rapid results yielding increased income, success in business, and better relationships Program is straightforward to understand without any boredom or confusion. You do not have to learn multiple things at the same time. Developed by a successful entrepreneur Positive thoughts start developing to overcome tougher situations 60-day money-back guarantee Well organized information Though the secrets are not new, the information provided by Winter Vee is new. The content is well explained with targeted examples. It helps in achieving a powerful mindset like that of a winner. Cons Some feel that the program is a tad expensive. Available only in digital format Success does not come as quickly as people want it to Final verdict The program helps you gain complete power of your life with the secrets used by the three wise rulers. Not only do you get access to secrets of success but also detailed instructions on using them to change your life into one of your dreams. This program is quite simple and effective, and so if you are one of those who want growth and prosperity in life, this product will be worth the amount you pay. You are assured of the safety of your money as the program comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee. This is as good a personal development program as any. Like with all such programs, you are only as successful as well as you are able to implement it in your life. Changing your way of thinking is not easy, but if you decide to work with this program, I'm sure you will be satisfied!

[nothingbythebook]

i.

When I am unhappy, and strangers on the street tell me to smile—or well-meaning friends tell me to focus on all the good things that are happening—I want to throw things at them.

When you are unhappy, I tend to tell you… to focus on all the good things that are happening.

Hypocritical, I know.

I think the lesson of all this is when we are unhappy—we are best unhappy alone.

No, no, wait.

I know—you know—that’s not true. That’s what the demons want you to think. They want you to stay unhappy alone, isolated.

So when you are with me when I am unhappy, when I am with you when you are unhappy—let’s give each other’s pain and grief and sad the space it needs.

“I know you’re suffering, and I’m here for you.”

(one of Thich Nhat Hahn’s mantras of loving speech)

That’s all I need. That’s all you want.

Fuck, why is that so hard to give?

ii.

The teenagers, my caterpillars, are going through some ups and downs these days, and my biggest job is JUST TO BE THERE, and I don’t think I’ve worked this hard at parenting since they were mewling, helpless babes in arms, except back then, I could solve almost every ill through the insertion of nipple into mouth.

There are no solutions now. There is only—“I am here for you.”

Confession: being there for you is really exhausting.

I want a mocha, a cigar, chocolate, Hafez.

Sean brings me Leonard Cohen.

It helps.

iii.

If the teenagers are caterpillars, Ender is still a pupa or larva. I’m mixing my insect metaphors a bit, and I can’t remember which comes first, the pupal or larval stage—and I’m pretty sure these don’t occur in the creatures that then metamorphose into butterflies. Anyway. He’s still my pupa, and most of his problems can be solved with a hug or a kiss. But while his existential angst is still in the future, what he wants most is… my presence.

Here I am.

iv.

Cigar. Turkish coffee. Cuba.

I’m daydreaming about Cuba.

Trying to figure out why it was so much easier to give them all my presence there.

And I’m still not sure. What is the expanse of silence? The relative lack of responsibility? The fact that I really did not put any pressure on myself to perform, to output, to create—to do anything other than be there, with them, and with the experience… and yet I created anyway?

Can I go back to that place again?

v.

Flora: Your blog is really boring now.

Jane: You are sentient and read it now. You’ve affected what I can write about, what I can share.

Flora: Thank you.

Jane: Of course.

vi.

I am preparing a writing workshop. One of my points—my big lesson to writers—is—ready?

“You’re just not that interesting.”

Writing about self is excruciatingly boring to read.

I’m sorry. 😉

The kids won’t let me write about them.

And I feel too aware of the transience and fragility of all things to get on a soapbox and dispense advice.

Don’t worry. This year only has 11 or so more weeks. Next year, I’m only going to talk in pictures.

xoxo

“Jane”

PS The pupa just turned nine. I be in shock.

2018

The year started with a Monday; so does every week (Week 1: Transitions and Intentions)

Easier than you think, harder than I expected: a week in eleven stanzas (Week 2: Goodness and Selfishness)

A moody story (Week 3: Ebb and Flow)

Do it full out (Week 4: Passions and Outcomes)

The Buddha was a psychopath and other heresies (Week 5: No Cohesion)

A good week (Week 6: Execute, Regroup)

Killing it (Week 7: Exhaustion and Adrenaline)

Tired, petty, tired, unimportant (Week 8: Disappointment and Perseverance)

Professionals do it like this: [insert key scene here] (Week 9: Battle, Fatigue, Reward)

Reading Nabokov, crying, whining, regrouping (Week 10: Tears and Dreams)

Shake the Disease (Week 11: Sickness and Health… well, mostly sickness)

Cremation, not embalming, but I think I might live after all (Week 12: Angst and Gratitude)

Let’s pretend it all does have meaning (Week 13: Convalescence and Rebirth)

The cage is will, the lock is discipline (Week 14: Up and Down)

My negotiated self thinks you don’t exist–wanna make something of it? (Week 15: Priorities and Opportunity)

An introvert’s submission + radical prioritization in action, also pouting (Week 16: Ruthless and Weepy)

It’s about a radical, sustainable rhythm (Week 17: Sprinting and Napping)

It was a pickle juice waterfall but no bread was really harmed in the process (Week 18: Happy and Sad)

You probably shouldn’t call your teacher bad names, but sometimes, your mother must (Week 19: Excitement and Exhaustion)

Tell me I’m beautiful and feed me cherries (Week 20: Excitement and Exhaustion II)

A very short post about miracles, censorship, change: Week 21 (Transitions and Celebrations)

Time flies, and so does butter (Week 22: Remembering and forgetting)

I love you, I want you, I need you, I can’t find you (Week 23: Work and Rest)

You don’t understand—you can’t treat my father’s daughter this way (Week 24: Fathers and Daughters)

The summer was… SULTRY (Week 25: Gratitude and Collapse)

It’s like rest but not really (Week 26: Meandering and Reflection)

It’s the wrong question (Week 27: Success and Failure)

On not meditating but meditating anyway, and a cameo from John Keats (Week 28: Busy and Resting)

Hot, cold, self-indulgent as fuck (Week 29: Fire and Ice)

In which our heroine hides under a table (Week 30: Tears and Chocolate)

Deadlines and little lies make the world go round (Week 31: Honesty and Compassion)

That’s not the way the pope would put it, but… (Week 32: Purpose and Miracles)

And before you know it, it’s over (Week 33: Fast and Slow)

Ragazzo da Napoli zajechał Mirafiori (Week 34: Nostalgia and Belonging)

Depression is a narcissistic disease, fentanyl is dangerous, and knowledge is power, sort of (Week 35: Introspection and Awareness)

I’m not gonna tell you (Week 36: Smoke and Mirrors)

Slightly irritable and yet kinda happy (Week 37: Self-Improvement and Self-Indulgence)

It’s not procrastination, it’s process (Week 38: Back and Forth)

Pavlov’s experiments, 21st-century style (Week 39: Connectivity and Solitude)

—->>>POSTCARDS FROM CUBA

The best things in life and on the Internet are free, but content creators need to pay for groceries with money. If you enjoy  Nothing By The Book content, please express your delight and support by making a donation via PayPal:

You: “But how much should I give?”

Jane: “I get $1 each time a sell a traditionally published book, so my bar’s set really low, love. Want to buy me a cup of coffee? That’s $4.75 if you’ll spring for a mocha or latte. Bottle of wine? My palate’s unsophisticated: $19.95 will more than cover it.”

If you’d like to make a contribution but have PayPal issues, email me at nothingbythebook@ gmail.com and we’ll work something out. J

All of life’s a (larval) stage (Week 41: Stagnation and Transformation) i. When I am unhappy, and strangers on the street tell me to smile—or well-meaning friends tell me to focus on all the good things that are happening—I want to throw things at them.

[therealestatesparkblog]

How Adopting 7 Kids at Once Led Me to Launch My Real Estate Investing Career

The truth is that I did not get involved in real estate in a meaningful way until later in my life. I have been a chiropractic physician for 29 years, but Im really an entrepreneur at heart. I have started or purchased six multi-discipline medical clinics in my career and have been involved in a number of other businesses. None, however, have matched the combination of relative safety and potential returns afforded by real estate. Still, for some reason, I could never pull the trigger and launch my real estate investing career. Unfortunately I sat on the sidelines for a number of years. I hoped to get started but never did. Like many of you, I read Robert Kiyosakis Rich Dad Poor Dadand a few other real estate books, but it wasnt enough. Looking back now, I can point to several life events that lit a fire under me and finally got me off the bench and into the game. Over the past few years, I have flipped a couple houses, owned a small apartment complex, developed a large commercial retail strip center, syndicated a 125-door multifamily townhome complex, and am just finishing the co-syndication of a large self-storage deal. I am in my 50s and wish I had started earlier. No matter your age, though, if you are procrastinating like I did, hopefully you can use one or more of the following five steps to get started. 5 Steps to Launch Your Real Estate Career1. Find your passion. Twenty years ago, my wife and I became interested in adoption. We had two biological kids at the time and wanted to adopt a third child. While working with an organization that facilitated the adoption of Eastern European orphans, we heard about a sibling group of seven Russian children that the Russian government was going to split up and send to three different countries. My wife decided she would make it her personal mission to find a family that could keep these siblings from being separated. The idea of someone taking that many kids into their home blew us away, and we made a list of all of our friends and acquaintances that we thought might be able to afford such a monumental task. The Russian government announced they would be separating the children in a few months. As the date approached with no takers in sight, we began to ask ourselves if there was any way we could adopt them ourselves. Its a very long story, but fast forward to August of 1988. We were told at the U.S. Embassy that we had completed the single largest adoption in U.S./Russian history (at a single time). It was a big culture shock to bring seven Russian speaking kids into our home for sure. But the real shock was just around the corner when the financial reality of our decision began to hit home. Nine sets of clothing, nine bikes, nine soccer teams, nine college educations, nine weddingsyou get the picture. The financial pressure began to build. I rapidly set out on a course to produce more income. I started or purchased six different medical clinics. I developed anathletic club, which eventually grew to 1,500 members. I purchased a sports performance enhancement franchise. And we even started a coffee shop/deli. Some produced more cash flow than others, but the one problem all those businesses had in common was that they took immense amounts of my personal time. I was fairly successful at creating additional income, but I was killing myself. My family life was suffering. I quickly realized working 70-80 hours a week would not work. There are few things that I am more passionate about than my family, so I threw myself into a massive search for ways to create passive income. It was this search that eventually led me to real estate. You can do the same thing. Figure out what you are passionate about. Focus on the end results. Getfired up and use that passion to fuel your real estate dreams.

Related: If I Started My Real Estate Business Again Today, THIS is What Id Change 2. Harness fear. As humans, nothing makes us react quite like fear. Fear comes in all shapes and sizes. There are literally hundreds of types of fears and phobiasfear of pain, of disease, of injury, of tight spaces, of rejection, and of failure, to name a few. People will do just about anything to avoid their fears. If they are forced to face fear, they go into fight or flight mode or they are paralyzed by fear and do nothing at all. Fortunately, a random encounter with a couple of patients changed my investing mindset forever. It was March 6, 2009, and the stock market was in the final throes of its great crash. I walked into a treatment room, and there sat a patient with tears streaming down his face. It was odd because this was a big burly guy who had just retired from a local factory and was a pretty tough character. I soon found out he was not crying because of his back or neck pain but because he had just lost almost all of his retirement savings in the stock market. Apparently, this gentleman had taken his retirement payments as a lump sum and had recently dumped it all in the market. As he sat on my exam table, he explained how in a few short days, he had lost more than 70 percent of his retirement savings, and those savings had taken him 40 years to amass! I am not usually at a loss for words, but nothing in my medical training could have prepared me for that moment. A couple of days later, I was seeing another patient. Mrs. Smith (not her real name) was a 50-something retired school teacher and seemed to be in a better mood than normal. I noticed her cheerfulness and asked her why she seemed so happy. She went on to explain how she and her husband had taken all of their retirement funds out of the stock market about a year previously and had used the funds to buy rental property. Their rentals were leased, and frankly, they were really enjoying retirement. Fortunate to have gotten out of the market when they did, this new landlord was not affected by the downturn in the markets at all. I had really never trusted the stock market. I mean, with the almost-daily headlines of one major bank after another caught cheating their clients or gaming the system somehow, this ladys message really hit home with me. Even so, I had always been too afraid of missing out on that once-in-a-lifetime Amazon or Microsoft stock pick to shift my investing away from the stock market. Right then and there, it finally hit home. When it came to real estate, I was afraid to make a mistake that would cost me money. Since I was not sure when or where to start, I just sat doing nothing for years. I had analysis paralysis, but I realized I was much more scared of ending up like my first patient, crying in a doctors office somewhere having lost the majority of my retirement. I finally made a commitment that real estate would be my investment vehicle of choice. 3. Find your motivation. A few years back, an MRI revealed I had a torn rotator cuff, torn labrum, and arthritis in my shoulder. Decades of occupational abuse and years of chasing baseball scholarships had taken their toll. My orthopedic physician announced I could either give up my chiropractic career immediately, or in about four years, I would need a shoulder replacement. Suddenly, I was heading toward for an untimely retirement. I was shocked. I had dedicated the last 29 years of my life to helping people heal. My entire identity was tied up in being a healthcare provider. At the same time, Obamacare was rapidly eroding away my practice of two-plus decades. I had no idea what I would do, but knew I needed a plan and needed one quick. After much angst and a considerable amount of prayer, I decided it was time to jump in with both feet. I still have a medical practice, but am working full-time on a plan to exit healthcare as soon as possible. Even though I didnt recognize it at the time, life circumstances helped me find my motivation. Each individual has their own unique mix of life experiences and desires that fuel their drive for success. For some, its the thought of a penniless retirement. For others, it is the commitment to never let their children grow up in poverty (like they did). Some people say that success is a lake home or traveling the world. Others have an altruistic motivation to give back to those less fortunate. There are 1,001 books on ramping up personal motivation. For me, however, it boils down to a very simple concept: Focusing on my goals 10 times more than I focus on the roadblocks. Every time I run up against what seems like an insurmountable roadblock, I pull out my list of goals and focus on what I want to accomplish. Time spent focusing on what matters most turbocharges my motivation levels. The roadblocks seem to work themselves out. Whats your motivation? Related: How to Jumpstart Your Investing Career as a Multifamily Deal Finder 4. Hire a mentor. Every athlete from t-ball to the big leagues has a coach. They need someone they can learn from who is more experienced. Someone who knows the ins and outs of the game. Its no different in real estate. If you are serious about learning the craft, you need to find someone to teach you the ropes. When I finally got serious, I hired a mentor. I knew if I spent my hard-earned money on a program, I would take it seriously. There are lots of mentors and training programs on BiggerPockets. For me, I knew the more expensive the program, the more commitment I was likely to have. I am not talking about a weekend seminar with a few handouts. I chose a company called 37th Parallel Properties. Their program is a comprehensive year-long mentorship. It includes visits to real assets across the country (much like getting an MBA in multifamily investing). Dont get me wrongnot everyone needs to pay for a mentor, but dont attempt to go it alone. Learn from someone elses mistakes. Its one of the many reasons I am such a big fan of BiggerPockets. You can learn so much just by hanging out in the community and reading the advice of experienced investors. Whether you hope to invest in single family homes, self-storage units, large multifamily communities, or mobile home parks, there is always someone with expertise willing to share.

5.Leverage the experience of others. Maybe you dont need to change careers like me. Maybe you just want to use commercial real estate to turbocharge your portfolio. Maybe you just want to be a passive investor and have very little interest in toilets, tenants, and trash. If you are an accredited or sophisticated investor, syndicated deals may be the best approach for you. Some companies offer syndicated real estate investments. They specialize in sourcing lucrative real estate assets and packaging them up for passive investors. They typically underwrite the project, perform all due diligence, line up debt, and complete the purchase. The companies then operate and oversee these assets so that their investors can realize great profits minus the headaches. Choosing a company that you feel comfortable with is the key to any syndicated investment. While it is a much quicker way to jump into the fray, be careful! Take your time and choose the specific deal and syndicator carefully. Ask lots of questions and always check references. So, what is holding you back? Whats it going to take to get you off the sidelines? Dont procrastinate like I did! Hey, if an old chiropractor can do it

What motivation led to your first investment? What did your journey there look like? Take a moment to share what it took to make your first real estate investment! https://www.biggerpockets.com/renewsblog/seven-child-adoption-launch-real-estate-career

[booksbroadwaybbc]

ADHD is robbing me of my quality of life and I don't have the willpower to change it, any advice is greatly appreciated via /r/selfimprovement

ADHD is robbing me of my quality of life and I don't have the willpower to change it, any advice is greatly appreciated

LONG POST WARNING, the tl;dr is the first paragraph, followed with some specific questions, followed by venting/ranting/context/background info below the line for anyone who might find it relevant as to my situation.

Summary - Hi everybody, I'm 18 years old and I need to change my life around. I am painfully lazy due to mental illness (diagnosed with major depression, a couple anxiety disorders, and ADHD), but overwhelmingly because of ADHD. My conundrum is that ADHD robs me of my willpower and self-discipline, but all the solutions I could implement require a starting amount.

Here are my questions (all advice is appreciated :) but I'm especially looking for ADHD-friendly advice or from people who have experience with managing severe ADHD):

Has anyone else struggled with really severe ADHD and overcome it? If so, how?

I'm trying to fix my perfectionistic attitude, and given that I'm a person who can't even brush my teeth every day consistently, what's a reasonable amount of things I should expect myself to get done in a day so I don't disappoint myself by expecting too much?

How can I beat phone and video game addiction when my social life is basically dependent on them and existing in the modern world requires them (definitely moreso the phone than the video games, but I only play video games on a computer and I need a computer to function too)? Also, besides quitting entirely, what's a good balance of phone/computer in my life to prevent myself from getting sucked in?

I don't want to join a gym (yet, don't want to spend any money until I know I won't be wasting it), so what's a good exercise routine I can do at home? I'm male and very naturally muscular but about 20 pounds overweight. I have access to a pool, plenty of space to run/jog/walk, skateboards, and I'm willing to buy simple stuff like dumbbells.

As a follow up to the previous question, what's a good and easy way to plan meals for the week, and what easy-to-make recipes would you recommend?

In learning guitar, what's a good way to learn on my own, and given my low-functioning nature, how long should I practice a day and how many days a week? Any guitarists with ADHD with any advice? I want to learn to play primarily metal music if that's relevant.

In learning art, what's a good simple regiment that I can use to help me draw more realistically, primarily human beings, secondarily landscapes. Like the above question, how long and how many days a week is reasonable?

In learning programming, what is the best way for someone to teach themselves. Interest primarily in video game development/modding (boring I know, and ironic I know)

Any other good advice for staying organized as a person with ADHD, an example of a good daily routine for a person with ADHD, etc. Any ADHD related advice.

My brain is wired to prioritize short-term stimulation over the long-term, and to always seek the path of least resistance. As a result, I feel the overwhelming urge to lie down and do nothing almost all day, and if I'm not doing that I'm playing video games or looking at my phone, both of which I feel I am addicted to. Not only does my ADHD grace me with an excessive tendency towards unproductivity, but complements it with an actual aversion to any sort of work.

This aversion is kind of like the "fear you can't resist" concept in 1984, or when you've spent too much time underwater and your reptile brain takes over and forces you to surface. Similarly, when I even think of doing any work my heart-rate increases, I start to get panicky, and my reptile brain usually takes over and forces me to lay down or distract myself with something unproductive before I even start working. On the occasion I manage to fight through the urges and start working, I inevitably realize that of course the work wasn't as bad as I anticipated so the primal fear subsides, yet in its place I feel an almost overwhelming feeling of tiredness and an urge to lay down or do something else, accompanied by "whispering" from my reptile brain telling me that I should "just take a break" or I can just "do it later", and that I should look at my phone or play video games instead. This negative self-talk happens constantly and voids any sense of accomplishment I might get from the things I DO manage to do.

As you might have guessed, I'm a huge procrastinator as well and as a rule I wait til the last minute to do anything since pressure and extreme amounts of stress are some of the only things that can motivate me. ADHD robs me of my intrinsic motivation so external motivation is the only thing that gets me going, and by external motivation I mean near instantaneous rewards/consequences for my actions (hence the appeal of video games and my phone over most other activities). This makes it near impossible for me to work on any of the skills I wish to learn with any consistency. With guitar for example, I tried setting the (I think) reasonable goal of practicing for 15 minutes every day. But that's work, and not only that, but work without any immediate payoff, so I was doomed to fail from the start. I managed to practice 2 days in a row, then lacked the willpower to even touch the guitar from then on. This is not just an isolated example, because every time I get a surge of "motivation" to improve my life, I make a plan that I feel good about, but can't maintain for more than 1-3 days. I even tried setting the goal of at least touching the guitar every day to create some consistency, but like every other attempt I made to learn the guitar over the past 2.5 years, I ended up staring at the guitar resentfully by the second or third day, knowing I wasn't going to be able to muster up the willpower to walk across the room and pick it up. This is true for every other hobby or skill or habit I've tried to develop.

For me, ADHD is like being a slave to whatever fleeting passion or urge my reptile brain comes up with, and the passions and urges are invariably for things that are bad for me, fill my need for instant gratification, are high-stimulus, and aren't conducive towards building a future for myself.

I know it's bad practice to view mental illness as "your reasonable mind vs. your disobedient body" thing, but that's what it feels like. Many times I feel paralyzed and not in control, like in the guitar example above or when I have an important school assignment coming up; I'll know what I need to do, I'll know how to do it, I'll know that it's important or necessary that I do it, and I may even want to do it, but if it doesn't give me immediate stimulation I'll continue to sit or lay down because my legs won't move when I tell them to, and my arms refuse to push me up. Other times the opposite is the case where my reptile brain forces my body to do something (unproductive) and no amount of dissuading from the reasonable part of my brain can stop me, like I'm on autopilot or someone else is in control of my body.

Of course, I realize there's not really a mind-body duality thing going on and I know that the distinction I'm making between the irresponsible-and-impulse-driven "reptile brain" and the responsible "human brain" is arbitrary and there's no separate "reptile brain" at all, but it's a good way of describing how I feel.

I can't help but feel like this is all out of my control and there's nothing I can do to improve myself. ADHD is a persistent and all-encompassing neurodevelopmental disorder that I'm never going to outgrow, and it's not something that can be cured or go into remission. As Dr. Russell Barkley put it, ADHD is the diabetes of psychiatry. I'm going to have to live with it my entire life, and the only way to manage it is to adjust my entire lifestyle to accommodate the disorder, and make sure that I'm treating it every day to minimize secondary harm, but the condition itself is never going to get milder. I believe this means that I'm going to have to live with my shitty short-term memory, distractibility, low impulse control, short attention span, and intrinsic lack of intrinsic motivation, and there's no hope they'll go away with time. The only thing I can really do is find a good plan and hope that it compensates for my deficits.

Here's the conundrum: I KNOW every strategy and plan for treating ADHD. I've been diagnosed and in therapy since I was 7, and I'm 18 now. I know that the strategies work, and I know how to implement them. But the implementation require a modicum of willpower, self-discipline, and consistency to begin with, and I feel like I lack all of them entirely. I can't tell you how many times I've woken up with a positive attitude and made a to-do list with some productive and necessary stuff, not too excessive, definitely not overloading myself, but I always get about halfway through the list before I feel an overwhelming tiredness and dick around the rest of my day while feeling terrible that I couldn't finish a simple list of tasks.

What makes my struggle with ADHD so painful is my ambition that contrasts it. I was a "gifted" child, so like every other "gifted" child I was saddled with my parents' high expectations from a young age and my status as a "gifted" individual basically became my self-worth, and then, having experienced the real world, I realized that I wasn't special or necessarily destined for greatness. So much of my self-worth is dependent on EXTREMELY lofty goals, like being the next Leonardo da Vinci, master of everything he tried. I want to be a better artist, I want to learn how to play the guitar, I want to eat healthier and be able to cook, I want to be fit and to regularly exercise. I want to read more and beat my phone/video game addiction. I want to learn how to program and learn foreign languages. I realized that I was expecting too much of myself and tried concerning myself with just guitar, but as you can read above, it didn't really work. Expectations aside, I do truly feel like I am intelligent in a way nobody else I know is (pls no r / iamverysmart) and I'm so worried that I'm going to squander the one gift I have by doing nothing with my life and just scraping by.

Perhaps I'm being pessimistic and perhaps some of you might think my words are a self-fulfilling prophecy, and perhaps you are correct. But I've been diagnosed for 11 years and struggling for all of them and I've found zero success being able to stick to anything, and not for lack of trying, so I think I'm somewhat justified in my fatalism.

Submitted June 03, 2018 at 04:44AM by TheGreatCornlord via reddit https://ift.tt/2LiXG31

[hello-thefatlosshabit-blr]

Often times we label ourselves. This can be empowering or disempowering because the labels become a self-fulfilling prophecy. We act in accordance with our beliefs about ourselves. If we tell ourselves we are disciplined, we act disciplined. If we tell ourselves we are a procrastinator, we will procrastinate. We become what we repeatedly do. It is important we all understand these are really just habitual behaviors and not personality traits.

Realizing that these are habits, and not personality traits are empowering. Habits are malleable. We can replace a bad habit with a good one. This gives us a greater sense of hope for a better future. You are not a procrastinator, you simply developed the habit of procrastination. You can break that habit, like any other habit. You can develop the habit of discipline; doing what you should do, when you should do it, whether you feel like it or not.

Habits, good or bad, allow our minds to operate on autopilot. Our minds prefer autopilot because making decisions at the conscious level is exhausting. The cerebral cortex fatigues quickly and is prone to exhaustion. Constantly making decisions at the conscious level is mentally exhausting because it requires our cerebral cortex to do the heavy lifting. This is why everyone forms daily rituals.

It takes time and effort to wire in a new habit, but once it is installed, it will take minimal effort to sustain. The initiation phase takes approximately two months. This is longer than the 30 days most of us were taught. It is perhaps why many people failed to form lasting habits in the past. The two most powerful tactics for changing your behavior are shifting your beliefs and identifying your reason for adopting the new behavior.

You might not be able to say you are a disciplined person right now, but you can say, “I am going to become more disciplined. I am going to make an effort each day to get better.” The more often you say this, and back it up with action, the sooner you will be able to say, “I am a disciplined person.”

Another important strategy for adopting a productive habit is to identify your reason for wanting to improve. What is procrastination costing you? What will you gain by becoming more disciplined? You have to link disciplined action to the reward and procrastination with what it costs you. If the cost of procrastination is greater than the discomfort of taking disciplined action, you will change. If it isn’t you will not. If your reason isn’t strong enough, your excuses will be.

Develop the habit of discipline by starting your day doing your most impactful task. Track your consistency. Mark your calendar each day you succeed at beginning your day with your most impactful task or use a habit-forming app, like Strides to track your consistency. Tracking your consistency will make you more consistent based on the principle of what gets measured gets managed. Tracking a behavior makes us more mindful of it.

As new tasks become routine, the more resilient basal ganglia take over. The action becomes easier and easier to perform. The actions flow almost effortlessly. Routines make life less stressful. Routine feels good; we thrive on routine. We all fall into a routine, and we all develop daily rituals.

Taking positive action when we don’t feel like doing it is one of the most powerful habits we can form. It is the habit of discipline; doing what we should do, when we should do it, whether we feel like it or not. The disciplined person doesn’t hesitate. Hesitation can become a habit. Hesitating to take positive action leads to the habit of procrastination.

When we hesitate to do something, our minds will magnify the anticipated pain or discomfort and begin to provide a myriad of excuses not to do it. Hesitation signals to the brain that we are about to do something dangerous; something that could threaten our survival. Our brain magnifies the danger to kill the idea.

This cognitive bias, called the spotlight effect is designed to kill any action that could threaten our survival. This is great when we are thinking about doing something stupid like risking our lives performing acrobatics on a 50-story building ledge to get views and likes on social media, but it isn’t helpful when it prevents you from taking positive action like speaking up in a meeting or working out.

Our mind is hardwired for our survival. Our ancient programming doesn’t look at the long-term consequence of action or inaction. It is only able to evaluate doing or not doing something based on the immediate pain or pleasure it produces. Hesitation sends a red flag to the brain that the action you are contemplating is dangerous. It cannot distinguish real physical danger from fear born out of insecurity.

When you begin to feel yourself hesitate, MOVE. This is a decisive moment; a moment of huge power. Force yourself to move. The mind and body are linked together; one affects the other. Even if the activity is to study a text, grab the book, turn on your desk light, grab your highlighter, initiate movement. The longer you hesitate to act, the more likely you are to get trapped in your head. Force yourself to move. It will help you to overcome your instincts and feelings so you can operate at the level of your ideas and higher self.

Good luck!  Best wishes and best health.

Change your habits, change your life! 

If you enjoyed this article, please LIKE and SHARE.

Follow us on Facebook

Best wishes and Best Health!

Book NOW Available on Amazon!

Are you ready to reboot and reset your relationship with food and exercise? Most programs focus on the mechanics of weight loss but fail to adequately address the psychology of change required. Most people know more than enough about nutrition and exercise to lose weight, but fail to act. This book takes a new approach to getting leaner, fitter, and stronger. 

The Fat Loss Habit: Creating Routines that Make Willpower and Fat Loss Automatic takes a new approach to getting leaner, fitter, and stronger. The program uses high-impact change strategies that make the process of adopting a healthy lifestyle easier. The nutrition and workout program, like the change techniques, have all been proven effective, and are all backed by research and scientific studies.

#theFatLossHabit #FatLoss #WeightLoss #NewYearsResolution #GetHealthy #HealthyLife #Fitness #FitnessAddict #Nutrition #FitQuote #GetFit #NoExcuses #TrainHard #GetStrong #WeightTraining #Workout #Motivation #Positive #Inspiration #Habit #Happiness #YouCanDoIt #Success #BodyTransformation #FitGirl #FitMom #FitFam #FitCouple

We don't do because we are, we are because we do. Often times we label ourselves. This can be empowering or disempowering because the labels become a self-fulfilling prophecy…

[ahugeblog-blog]

The Diary of a Narcissistic & Entitled Millennial Entry #1

Hi I’m Huge, a 22-year-old living in Amsterdam. As of today, I have decided to begin The Diary of a Narcissistic & Entitled Millennial, in the hopes to become less entitled and less narcissistic. Also, the last time a Dutch person started a diary it became a huge success, so maybe this’ll take off too. If you don’t like dark humor I suggest you stop reading now.

Let’s start:

Today my psychologist Pearl Harbor’d me with some truth bombs I had not seen coming. Right now I’m typing this in a Coffee Fellows, a Coffee Company look alike that has enough hipsterness to make me able to work, fighting back some tears.

Together we talked and came to some buried wisdom. A couple of months ago my question for help was that I wanted to be able to become more vulnerable, to myself and to others. I woke up this morning with on the superficiality of my mind the idea that things we’re going quite well for me. But now the depths of my waters have been stirred and it shows on the surface.

I have not yet pursued my vulnerability. I have fronted myself like a rapper at a “Yo Momma” contest (remember when people still watched MTV?). The painful truth is this: Wilder Valderrama has no street cred I purport myself to be different than I really am. It could be because in my family used to be more important to uphold a good public image than being happy underneath it; it could be because I skipped a grade.  Going to middle school at ten year’s old made me scared of being friendless or bullied; therefore I developed the ability to present a better image of myself than I truly was.

Throughout the years I have only trained this ability to present an image, but beneath it all my essence has been rotting. At this present moment I have found myself, convinced by myself, that my current successes determine how my friends and family value me. I don’t want to meet old acquaintances because I don’t feel good about myself, and I’m afraid they’ll judge me for it, how fucked up is that? Something’s gotta change.

As this image is totally dependent on what the individual deems successful, he finds himself socially isolated and depressed whenever he feels he is not a successful. It affects every thing the individual does; it’s the motivational drive behind every action. As a result, his emotional wellbeing goes up and down like a rollercoaster. He has no internal consistency, and leads his life on a daily basis without experiencing true joy that comes from giving love to people, or investing long term emotional energy in friends, families, and events. Everything has to be instant, but like Simon Sinek said we can get almost everything instant nowadays “except job satisfaction and meaningful relationships”.  Thus pursuing this image leads to inevitable unhappiness.

To explain my own situation: throughout my youth I’ve presented an image of myself that used to be largely who I am but also partly what I’m not. If one does that for such a prolonged time, the individual will start to believe that what his environment likes about him is not him but the image he presents of himself. If the individual gets responsive input that someone doesn’t like his image, he just tweaks the image a bit to fit the other’s expectations. Congrats you’ve gained yourself another “friend”! If you do this for a really long time, you’ll find yourself going to a psychologist like I did and waking up with the fact that you’ve become your image and lost whom you really are. The result is that a sense of emptiness hits you in the chest every time you start your PC or phone to indulge in procrastination. Don’t worry baby, it doesn’t matter how much dopamine you chase. If you’re hollow on the inside, no amount of neurochemicals will fill that void. You can only do it on your own.

So here I am chasing expectation after expectation, measuring my self-worth by the opinions of others and external benchmarks. Note: these are all completely out of my control. I’m giving my self-worth over to film festivals that rate my work, to Facebook and Youtube likes by people I don’t give a fuck about. This should ring some pretty loud alarm bells, which have become so ear deafening to me that I’m trying to tone them down by writing this (public) journal entry.

As my psychologist laid out what my behavioural patterns were leading up to, I was scared shitless. Chasing expectations and craving people’s approval leads to one of the most dangerous characteristics of our time: narcissism. Now we’ve already got Donald Trump and Kanye West, and I’d like to stay as far away from those types of personalities I can.  Whatever happens, I will not allow myself to become a narcissist. They are the most dangerous and truly sad people. They are the ones who are so far removed from their actual selves, that they are truly lost (Link naar 6:51 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnP_-s_XwRQ). They have become trapped in a never ending loop of chasing high after high, but not in the form of drugs but of actions that evoke positive reactions in others. As a result, they are restless, always chasing something they can never reach because they are not content with themselves. They will never know their true motivations behind their actions, and the will never truly know them selves.

So right now I’m taking the first step on a journey away from narcissism and towards vulnerability by sharing my true, unfiltered thoughts and experiences on this online blog. Let me be honest here: I’m scared shitless. But I know that sharing these thoughts will help myself, and hopefully help some other millennials struggling through the same mental blockades as me. I invite you to hop on for the ride, or share your own journey in the comments below ☺. It’s going to be very hard for me to learn to accept faults, my imperfections, and myself after 22 years of “presenting”.

And by the way, some of these posts might be shit. Actual shit, and probably shorter and more incoherent that this one, but they will be daily! Daily shit. Hopefully I can create more in depth blog posts every two weeks, or a month or so, based on scientific research. You can subscribe to my newsletter to get a weekly update, but knowing my chaotic mind, writing a post every day will take up so much of my self-discipline I’ll probably forget sending out these emails. I’ll find out what the best structure is as I keep writing these entry posts.

>inb4 feminist social warriors comment on the “he” “him” and “his”; I’ve read Judith Butler, I acknowledge that gender is a social construct, you can replace these gender based pronouns with female ones. I just use male ones because I write this from my own, incredibly privileged, male perspective.