#no more escapism bullshit that will cause me to forget my entire existence!!!!

[orchideius]

I will remember every damn piece of this year if it’s the last thing I do. mark my words

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

[tomione thing] Thanks for the recs! I actually was looking forward to the rant, I like how you break things apart so they make sense in a very unique way.( I don't have any strong feelings to the pairing if that was your concern, I just think the stories about them have the potential to be fantastic because I enjoy intelligent characters going through life and solving problems and, usually, in fanfiction there's focus on only one smart character.

So, you people are just poking me with sticks to see what ridiculous opinions spew out then. I’m onto your game.

With that said, let’s get to answering then, and know that you bring this upon yourself.

I loathe Tomione. I put up with it, sometimes, because I will read almost any fic featuring Tom Riddle as a main character. (Want the Carnivorous Muffin to read your fic? Tom Riddle as a main character. Even if I disagree with 110% of your premise I will probably still read your story.)

However, it’s extremely telling that my recs the other day were hilariously small, and one was actually Hermione/Loki. The Tomione exists, I just hate it.

This is for two main reasons. First, I just don’t believe the ship would ever work under any circumstances and the pair are naturally doomed to loathe one another. Second, fanfiction has a collection of tropes associated with Tomione that are in unbearable (likely caused unconsciously by the first, Tomione doesn’t really work, so we do terrible things to make it work). 

Tomione Doesn’t Work: Change My Mind

So, remember we’re living in Muffin-land for this. I’ve explained some of my headcanons regarding these characters, and I’ll offer brief explanation for why I think what I do here, but I’m not going to expand on it too much.

Tomione has appeal under the premise that either you or someone else previously mentioned: they’re both so smart, of course they belong together.

The trouble, Hermione’s not nearly as smart as she thinks she is. What we see of Hermione’s cleverness boils down to having a very good work ethic and reading a lot of books. She tends to outsmart Ron and Harry because she actually puts in the work to do her homework and, my god, read her text books. Also, as I’ve covered before, Harry’s an idiot, so that’s a low bar.

Because Hogwarts can be passed by the likes of Crabbe and Goyle, and the curriculum seems to boil down to “pronounce this fake Latin correctly, ooh look, a spell”, actually reading her books not only gets Hermione by but skyrockets her ahead of her peers. Who, apparently, have no ear at all and don’t understand the swishy motions are important and probably never bothered to read their books.

This isn’t to say she’s stupid, she’s by far one of the more intelligent characters in the series, but it says a lot of not so good things about Hogwarts that Hermione is the “brightest witch of her generation”. In my mind she has never compared to characters like Tom Riddle, Lily Evans, Severus Snape, or Albus Dumbledore.

Hermione never questions how magic exists, why wands work, or why pronunciation is so weirdly important and why we’re using spells that are gibberish Latin instead of English or simply Latin. She never takes that step outside the box I would expect a truly intelligent person to take.

An example, Hermione completely throws out the entire discipline of divination. This is part because she believes it’s stupid, but she also only spends about two seconds thinking about it, and she doesn’t appear to be any good at it. If Hermione’s not good at it then it must be a stupid subject for stupid people.

Now, that alone doesn’t doom her, but it does put a huge chink in the major appeal of Tomione: they’re both just so brilliant that they’d be great together.

What dooms them is that Hermione both a) thinks she is as brilliant as all these other people and b) has this pervasive need to be the smartest person in any room she walks into. Hermione comes across Tom Riddle in the past or just chills with Voldemort in the future, she will inevitably try to show him up. This isn’t just to assure us that good is better than evil, but because she can’t help herself, because being the smartest is how she defines herself.

As a result, especially if we’re in the time travel/school setting, she would inevitably get in competition with him to prove she’s so much better/smarter than he is. It would undoubtedly be on her terms, probably revolving around school work, and she’d throw a fit when Tom wins because he understands the value in being concise where Hermione would quite easily write a hundred page Potions’ essay (that had a five page limit) with the subtext “PRAISE ME” written on every page.

I can’t imagine Tom Riddle would find this anything but completely obnoxious and a waste of his time.

Now, part of this goes into headcanon land, but I have always imagined, 100%, that Tom Riddle in Hogwarts was treated like a muggleborn, that he didn’t find out his ancestry until at least part of the way through, and he never confessed to being the Heir of Slytherin. I can back this up, but that’s another story for another day, I’ll just say that no matter what Dumbledore says any other backdrop makes no damn sense.

So, Tom has clawed the respect of his peers into reality with bleeding hands, he came from nothing in a way that even the ‘good’ purebloods wouldn’t have sympathy for. Even the muggleborns I imagine thought they were better than him. Tom is an impoverished orphan, so poor he has to stay at Hogwarts over the holidays, he was not having a fun time at school.

Tom has ambitions, is mired in hatred, and is not really all that wrapped up in Hogwarts except to get him where he wants to go.

Now, imagine Hermione suddenly shows up in front of this Tom. Suddenly he’s being challenged to essay competitions, she probably leaves cryptic remarks all the time about how evil he is and how amazing she is because she’s not evil and smarter than he is, and if he thinks he’s smarter than her then he better find time to prove it.

It’s like talking to a Dumbledore he can never escape from.

Tom doesn’t have time for this bullshit.

Tomione not only insists that he does but that he lives for this bullshit. Forget Voldemort, Hermione making weird comments about how Tom has a mutilated soul, or that Dumbledore is so much cooler than he is, is where it’s at. 

As for Hermione, ultimately, I don’t think she’d ever really be attracted to Tom Riddle because he’s too much competition. The guys we’ve seen Hermione with are all safely much dumber than she is, Hermione likes being in relationships with men she feels in some way better than. Tom Riddle is not that guy. 

Add on top of this that Hermione’s righteousness would never allow her to even think about dating someone like Tom and we get her, at best, trying for the sake of destroying him (if she seduces Tom then she destroys Voldemort!) but ultimately failing.

Because the thing is, circling back to where we started, there are different kinds of intelligence, different levels of intelligence, and intelligence alone isn’t a reason to get along. Smart people might gravitate towards smart people, but they still have to have compatible personalities. Reading books isn’t magical glue that can bind people together.

No matter what way I look at it, Hermione and Tom would absolutely loathe one another in every capacity. 

Hermione ends up back in time accidentally and goes to Tom with Hogwarts: utter loathing.

Hermione ends up back in time on purpose and tries to save Tom’s troubled soul or else murder the shit out of him: utter loathing with an extra dash of “what the fuck?!” on Tom’s end.

Hermione ends up back in time after Hogwarts when Tom’s a store clerk: utter loathing (Hermione walks into Tom’s shop to tell him how cool and interesting she is to enter into the typical Tomione mind games, all Tom wants is commission.)

Hermione enters into deals with devils with the horcruxes: utter loathing complete with Tom’s triumphant/Nelson laugh when he inevitably betrays her to get his own body.

A young Tom Riddle somehow winds up in the future and is forced to attend Hogwarts because Dumbledore does what he wants: utter loathing (Tom has to sit there and enjoy Harry and especially Hermione telling him how evil he is and how Hermione’s so much smarter than him because she’s muggleborn and reads books.)

Lord Voldemort takes Hermione hostage during the horcrux hunt: utter loathing (though this would be sadly less irritating to Tom than the others, I imagine, if only because Hermione would probably be more terrified and less righteous. But she’d hate him with the fire of a thousand suns and inevitably pull a horrific revenge scheme on either him or his Death Eaters. No one crosses Hermione. No one.)

You name it, I think it’s going to end with the pair hurling chairs at each other and just being completely and utterly uninterested in every capacity. 

Now, onto how Tomione is typically written, which just makes it so much worse.

Tomione Fics Breed Awful: Change My Mind

Tomione, to me, is born from a few things. It’s born from the author’s desire to have an intelligent, female, borderline SI lead and to shove her together with another edgy smart person with some degree of a bad boy persona.

In this way Tomione fics are very similar to Snape/Hermione fics, are similar to Lokane from Thor/Avengers, are similar to Zutara back in the earlier seasons of Avatar the Last Airbender, etc. 

As a result the fics almost invariably spiral into: “Hermione is so smart, she’s so much smarter than everyone else, she impresses Tom because she is so smart. Tom is so smart but so evil, he sexy growls at her, and confesses how much he hates love every other chapter.” 

Only, as I noted above, while there are many interpretations of Tom’s character (and mine certainly doesn’t agree with the vast majority) I can’t help but think every single version would hate her.

To make him not hate her the author will often turn him into one of two Tom Riddles: Emotionally Deficient Robot Tom or Growling Sexy Sociopath Tom. Emotionally Deficient Robot Tom will often have paragraph long tangents to remind us he doesn’t compute your human emotions, “Beep boop” but despite this Hermione’s out of control hair makes him feel urges “bloop bloop”. Growling sexy sociopath Tom usually goes on a rant about how love is beneath him, backs Hermione into broom closets, and growls as he sexily makes out with her in a non-romantic manner because “ew love”. 

In other words, Tom is made an unbelievably flat character. He becomes a base archetype of sexy villain character. He never really gets redeemed, even if the story insists he does, he usually doesn’t have a reason for the way he is (”um, love potions!” the author often cries), and he and Hermione always think they’re much more important than they are.

The story rarely, if ever, goes anywhere because the entire point of the story is mind games between two sixteen-year-olds who think they’re smarter than everyone else. So we get a lot of chapters of Hermione and Tom running around, being very clever to each other, but doing nothing.

Sometimes authors do deviate from this, we will have an actual plot where we’re not just in Hogwarts again or it’s not just centering on ridiculous mind games. However, even then, Tom is usually is some variant of a very flat cartoon villain while Hermione is... Well, one would think the way she’s described that she’s the smartest, best, most beautiful, most brilliant thing to ever grace this earth.

TL;DR

Tomione is not my jam.

[scary-lasagna]

A Different Kind of Fear || Toby Rogers

[TW: Depressive themes, social anxiety, family death]

The scratchy pillow agitated Toby’s skin as tears rubbed into the fabric. The sickly feeling of sticky tears and a hot, puffy face caused the teen to hide away in his new corner of the manor and curl up under the standard white quilt. The bland feeling of the fabric did nothing to comfort his loneliness. All it did was torment him of sadness from the previous nights with a reminder of tearstains blotching the cloth.

It was barely his first week at the manor, and adjusting has not gone well. Everyone seemed to have little to no interest in his presence; And if they did, it was always negative attention. Slender tried to assure this this was all part of a “initiation process” that the boys did, but Toby begged to differ after he received a crude error message on his phone from the blonde sitting across from him. 

Any and all conversations have lead to him either being ignored or belittled by his new peers. They’ve asked crudely about his stutter and all of his tics that he accidentally brought to the table in a fit of anxious nerves. Their amused chuckles reminded him all too well of the shadowing laughs of foul-play in high school. His tics were shameful, he was ugly, and no one cared about him anymore. The only person he’s sure who loves him is Lyra. And she’s dead.

And just the way Jeff grimaced at him for mentioning his interests muted Toby for the rest of the day entirely. It caused a silent but deadly rejection that spiraled until he couldn’t take it. Something as simple as being looked at the wrong way triggered him into a sense of worthlessness and indescribable shame. All he required now was to hide his face from the world and pretend he didn’t exist.

They’ve finally shut him off, and he’s preparing to hoard food and spend the next few days in his room to isolate himself from any social contact and reboot. That’s all he needed for now. A safe space, and somewhere to hide away from the scary, judgmental world outside of his room.

“Hey! Dinner’s ready, kid.” A harsh thump on the wooden door jolted Toby’s anxiety, and he nearly started another crying spell again. He was late for dinner, what would they think? That he’s a lazy piece of shit that sleeps all day? Or he finally caved in and realized his hatred for the kind people and creatures who took him under their wing when he needed it most? Slender would be disappointed in him and-

“Hey kid, didya’ hear me?” Tim rattled the door again with his fist. Toby waited for the shuffle of fading footsteps that would descend the nearby flight of stairs. But they never surfaced over the deafening silence. The brunette buried his quivering lip into the pillow that was due for a much needed heap of laundry softener. “Tobias?” 

The oppressing guilt finally got to him, and a choked sob slipped his puffy lips. Toby couldn’t believe how much of a pain he was being to everyone. Now Tim has to ruin his day and his precious time to drag him out of a depression cocoon. He’s being such a fucking a child; Why not just suck it up and go to dinner? 

The brass doorknob jostled and clicked. A memory of Slender mentioned there’s a spare key on the archway of the door flickered through his vision. God! How could he forget? The boy clawed into the pillow with a frustrated whine, praying to any god that he’d do something right for once in his miserable life. Failure, rejection, and being a dumbass seemed to be his constant specialty.

“Are you okay?” Even if Toby hadn’t heard his voice, he knew the unique sound of Tim’s rustling cargo jacket. When Toby stayed silent, Tim didn’t falter, and he stared at the brunette’s lame form under the covers while Toby swallowed his pride. He refused to answer, and held his breath in hopes Tim would think he’s peacefully asleep.

“Even if you were asleep, I hope you know I’m an asshole and would wake you up for fun.” 

No response. 

Tim coughed and shuffled, “I hope you’re alive, at least?” A large hand grasped his shoulder, and Toby couldn’t stop the reaction of sitting up with an inward hiss from the unwanted touch.

Toby couldn’t bare to meet his eyes. After all he’s been through? He’s crying at bullshit like this?

“Did someone hurt you?” Tim’s gruff voice lowered, and he invited himself on Toby’s bed. The boy silently shook his head, and pulled the top of his hood over his eyebrows. Tim paused in thought before speaking, “Did...someone say something mean?” We’re they actually being mean? Or did he just perceive it that way from overreacting like he’s always done? Toby shrugged, for he didn’t know. 

“Do you wanna know a secret?” Tim scooted closer, and the warmth on his leg radiated through Toby’s sweatpants onto his cold skin. Or at least that’s what he thought it was. Temperature has always been strange to him. “They’re doing this bull on purpose so they can make you depend on them when the week’s up. They do it to everyone and it’s really fucked.”

“W-What?” Toby turned his head slightly, not enough to meet Tim’s eyes, but just enough to get a glimpse of his dark locks. 

“Don’t beat yourself up.” His breath hitched and all of his muscled cramped at once as Tim removed the hood from his eyes. “It seems a lot worse than it really is, trust me.” A thick, cigarette smelling finger wiped away a hot tear traveling the length of Toby’s cheek. “There’s more people around here than you think that are willing to help you, Tob.” 

Toby finally met his eyes. There was no upturned pity eyebrows, but instead Tim held a welcoming smile.

“I-I’m sorry. Just...t-th-there’s a lot of fail-failure shit that I’ve been putting up with my whole life. I-I-I feel fucking wor-worthless at times and-and-”

“Alright, I hope ya don’t mind but I’m stopping you there. First, don’t ever let me catch you fucking apologizing for feeling emotions. Crying is good, you gotta get that shit you, y’know?” Tim’s hand moved to pull Toby’s shoulder towards his friendly warmth. “Second of all, if you were a complete failure you’d probably be dead by now. I mean, you escape a car cash, an abusive asshole, people who wanna kill you, and first-degree arson. I’d say you’re pretty fucking accomplished for a 17 year old. ”

Toby merely shrugged, and locked his gaze on a nail sticking out from a floorboard. 

“Tobias. You’re worth a lot more than you think you are. I have no clue who you are but I can still see a hell of a lot of potential in you. All you need is confidence and a little help finding it. I’m proud that you made it this far. And I believe in you, kid.” The rough pat on his shoulder reminded him of a loving fatherly touch he’s never received. It eased his nerves, and his emotions finally started to soften.

Someone believed in him. He hasn’t heard those words in at least a year since his sister departed. It was a bittersweet, familiar feeling to hear that from someone else. Toby stole a shaky breath and vented with a sigh of relief. “I guess we should go eat now.”

[stones-x-bones]

Mind Over Matter || Dani and Bex

TIMING: Current PARTIES: @surmamort and @inbextween SUMMARY: Dani is worried for Bex when she realizes they haven’t talked in a while. They decide to go to Al’s to catch up, but someone else has other plans. CONTENT: Domestic abuse, medical blood 

Dani felt as though she had the right to be worried about Bex. She had seen people disappear. Some came back, some didn’t. She didn’t know if they shared any mutual friends, so it wasn’t like she could ask them if they’d heard from her. Dani had only become worried after three days of silence. It wasn’t like her, Dani thought. Bex loved to talk. Had Dani fucked up during their last meeting? Had Bex had a little more time to think about it and decide that she didn’t need, or want somebody like Dani in her life? Dani thought about what Morgan had said that day in the thrift store, and after that, the way she-- No. She couldn’t think about that. She refused. What she had to do was find Bex. Hadn’t she mentioned being in pre-law? That was a good start. 

Due to her patrol, Dani felt as though she knew the campus like the back of her hand. Though, her memorization skills were unneeded once she spotted her friend. “Bex!” Dani didn’t feel anything different from her. She hadn’t been turned, or bitten, or-- Dani swallowed her anxiety. “Hey,” She said as she walked over, dreading the idea that Bex might get up and leave without so much as a hello. “I’ve been texting you, you didn’t…” She didn’t know what to do with her hands. What was she supposed to do with her hands? She didn’t want to look threatening. Dani forced as natural of a smile as her muscles would allow. “I was worried--” No, that wasn’t it. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Human? Alive? Not mad at me? She carded her fingers through her hair. “But you look fine-- Great, even. Do you feel great? Sorry.” She forced out a laugh.

The agreement Bex had made with her parents had been a simple one-- drop all of the people in her life who she’d let drag her into the supernatural world, and they’d let her keep studying history instead of law. She would still take over the family business one day, but she’d probably have to marry into another family of lawyers. Her parents were figuring that part out, though. It wasn’t a fair trade, but at least Bex had one thing in her life to look forward to. Most of the people she’d already told she couldn’t talk to them anymore had respected that wish, despite the pained glances and the horrible, horrible feeling in her stomach as she’d watched the realization dawn on Mina’s face. It still made her entire body feel like lead. 

The only person she hadn’t told was Dani. Dani was on the fringes. Her parents didn’t know about Dani. Dani was just a school acquaintance. And if she kept it that way, maybe she could keep her, too. Maybe she could have something good, too. She’d ignored the texts, she hadn’t meant to, but she didn’t know what to say. And when Dani called her name and trotted towards her, she still didn’t know what to say. “I’m, um-- yep!” she squeaked, swallowing hard. “I’m totally fine! Sorry, I haven’t texted, I’ve just been-- so busy. End of the term and all and the whole uh, major shifting thing. So much work! But I’m fine, really. I’m--” her voice cracked and wavered and she had to stop and clear her throat. “Sorry. I’m okay. See?” she held her arms out as if to put herself on display. “I’m alive.”

It was reassuring to see that Bex was alive. But Dani knew that in a town like White Crest, being alive could mean that you were barely living. When Bex showed her arms, Dani couldn't help but laugh. “Stop that,” she reached out to tap her friend’s arm, but her arm fell instead. She dropped her hand into her lap again and looked down at her shoes. “I guess I get the whole studying thing. You know, for somebody who… actually studies.” She worried her lower lip with her teeth before she looked down at her phone as it lit up with a text from Lauren. Deep breaths, she reminded herself. She didn’t feel like sticking around campus. Not that she ever did, but still. She quickly shot a text back to Lauren explaining she’d be home a little later than expected. 

“How’s studying?” Dani asked. She didn’t care, not really. But she wanted to make sure that Bex was okay, and she felt as though only a few seconds would not clear that up for her. “I haven’t started. Honestly, I’m thinking of just taking the failing grade and getting that job as a janitor you recommended.” It was a joke. She actually had been doing some studying. She had already received a C+ on a paper she did entirely on her own. It was about the fall of the Trojan Empire instead of the Byzantine, but it had counted for something. “It’s good to see you haven’t fallen entirely off the face of the planet though,” She commented, looking Bex over for any bruises, any cuts. So she was… living a perfectly normal existence. Or Dani had hoped. Nobody else needed to be sucked into the bullshit that crept through this godforsaken town. 

Bex was glad she was sitting for the moment, shuffling to move her broken, casted foot away from a quick view. If she could help it, she wouldn’t have to show Dani. She still didn’t know what to tell people except that she “fell down the stairs”, but then people would look at her more worried and ask if she needed help and really, she just needed it all to stop. She swallowed and looked back over at Dani, lowering her arms. “I would rather not have the W or the F on my transcripts, yeah,” she agreed, nodding, “if I wanna get into a good master’s program, I have to study.” And she did want to. And maybe she’d go somewhere far, far away from White Crest, away from Mina, so she could clear her head and just be normal and forget about the pain that was stuffing itself into her heart. “Sometimes you do just have to take the L, though, huh? I-If you need help studying, though, I’ve um-- heard that I’m pretty good at that.”

She shuffled the papers around on the table. “Nope, though I might’ve considered jumping into our abyss a few times,” she teased back, but, really, sometimes, it didn’t sound like such a bad option. At least if she was falling forever, she wouldn’t have to go home every night and wonder what the next day would look like. “How um-- how are you? I see you haven’t bit the dust pulling some heroic maneuver.” She motioned to the spot next to her. “You can sit, if you want. I’m almost done.”

It was obvious that the two of them were on entirely different paths. Dani had been certain that their talk at the falls had cemented that fact. Bex was smart, well established, and seemed as though she had a lot going for her. Dani, on the other hand… She was strong and capable, but all in opposite ways. Even though she had lied about not studying, she still felt a pang of guilt for not trying harder in school. Though, what was the point? Dani hadn’t ever dreamt of a master’s program. Not like Bex was. “Yeah, it’s probably important you do decent in class, then.” She knew that for many, escaping White Crest was the end goal. For Dani, the thought had never occurred. Even with everything that had happened, it still wasn’t something she could ever seriously consider. The town needed her. The people in it needed her, whether she was close to them or not. She wasn’t sure what she could do for them, though, when she had already failed so many. Dani forcibly cleared her throat, pulling herself from her own thoughts. “Oh, no. Don’t worry about me. Wouldn’t want to waste your time.” It would be pointless, Dani thought. 

Bex’s words caused a crease in Dani’s brow to form. She refrained from telling Bex that it wasn’t funny. She instead wrung her hands together and took a seat at Bex’s guidance. “I’m fine,” Dani smiled. She wasn’t dead. She was still doing her job, even if it felt heavier since her run-in with the portal that had opened and swallowed her whole. But still, she was there. Living, breathing. It was all she could ask for until she wasn’t. “It hasn’t taken me yet, so…” She shrugged. “Looks like I’ll be around for a bit longer.” Maybe, she didn’t add. She looked down at her feet, and then towards Bex’s feet. The boot was hard to miss. “Yo, what the fuck happened to your foot?” She asked, eyebrows raised. “You held out your arms and everything, I thought you were good.” Dani scooted close, but not too close, remembering the way that Bex had recoiled from her the night that she had been saved from the vampire in the parking lot. Still a decent amount of space between them, she pointed at the boot with an outstretched finger. “You’re gonna have to let me sign the cast.” She froze for a moment, Milo’s face flickering before her. She shook it off easily and crossed her fingers. “Swear I won’t write anything weird.” 

“Probably,” Bex agreed quietly, but the future was something she hadn’t considered anymore. Not since it was taken from her. Not since the one thing she did want had been taken from her. No, not taken. Abandoned. Bex had been the one to leave, not Mina. She folded up her papers and crossed her arms in front of her, leaning against the table. “It wouldn’t be a waste,” she said, looking sideways at Dani as she stretched her legs out. “I like helping others, so even if you ended up failing, it wouldn’t be a waste.” It was one of the few things left in life that brought her joy. She wished she’d never left, but there was no going back. Wishes were for fools.

“Well, good,” she said, glancing sideways at her. Maybe this could be okay. Maybe she could keep Dani. Maybe Dani could be her one connection to the world she longed to be a part of. Aside from Eddie, she was all she had. She could barely even bring herself to talk to Kyle, and he had nothing to do with all that. Well, except the werewolf thing, but they didn’t really talk about that. Not when it was still...raw. Bex glanced around and found the study hall getting emptier, and her heart began to squeeze. She liked being in full rooms now, where it wasn’t just her and one other person. No one could take her if she was in a crowded room. Her gaze dropped to her feet. Shit. “I--” was kidnapped and chased barefoot through the forest while my ex hunted me down and tried to take me away, “I’m pretty clumsy, remember? I just tripped on a tree branch and twisted it real bad. Stupid me…” She tucked her legs back in and fiddled with her papers. “Hey, you um-- wanna get outta here? Maybe go grab a milkshake or something?” Not that she could drink a milkshake, but she really didn’t want to be here anymore, and maybe she just wanted something good. Just one thing, please.

“Well, if I fail, I’ll make sure not to blame you.” Dani knew it was pointless. Truthfully, even if Bex didn’t find it as a waste of time, she knew that she would. She’d rather Bex focus on more important things, like whether or not her dress matched her shoes, or if she had enough time to grab a coffee before her next study session. Dani didn’t need to be involved in that, she didn’t need to take up somebody’s time, not when Dani knew her truth of where she’d end up. 

Dani barely looked up at the sound of shuffling footsteps. She could see everything. At least, for the most part. She could hear it, too. She might not have supersonic hearing, but she had learned from an early age how to listen for things, for disturbances. For now, there was nothing. She didn’t anticipate there to be, even with the depleted crowd. Dani could tell that Bex was trying to figure out how to explain her foot and she felt a pang of frustration. Had something happened to her to make her this way? She forced herself to wait for the explanation, rather than jumping to conclusions. If she did that, who would it help? “A tree branch…?” Dani stared at Bex a beat of a second too long, eyebrows still furrowed. “Okay…” If that was the story Bex wanted to go with, then Dani would go with it. Hell, maybe it was true. Maybe Bex was the one person to trip over a tree branch instead of having some terrifying and traumatic experience that bent and broke her bones. Just maybe Dani could have one person that avoided all that shit. Save for the vampire attack, but Dani had taken care of that. Bex’s pause made Dani’s expression soften. Her offer stuck out like a sore thumb, like a cry for help from the amount of studying she’d been doing. Dani smiled. “Switch that to smoothie and you’ve got a deal.” Fuck lactose intolerance. She got to her feet and tugged at her own bag as she waited for Bex to gather her things. Did she offer to hold her bag? Probably not. Bex would probably hate that. “Where were you thinking? Al’s?” Dani asked, looking down at her fingers. Black nailpolish immaculately laid out in a matte fashion against them. 

“How sweet of you,” Bex replied, rolling her eyes a bit. A feeling crept up her spine, like she was being watched, and she glanced around the room once before focusing back on Dani. “Yeah, yep, a tree branch. I went for a--” desperate bid for my life-- “hike through the woods and just wasn’t paying enough attention and caught my foot right on a root sticking out of the ground. Clumsy me,” she grinned, trying to hide the pain in her voice. “Luckily someone was with me--” my ex who was trying to kidnap me-- “so it all turned out fine.” Fine was the exact wrong word about how it had all turned out. Frank taking her had ruined everything. It had ruined her relationship with Mina, and it had ruined her home with Morgan and Deirdre, and it had ruined any chance she’d had at being happy. He hadn’t succeeded in taking her, but he’d done what his parents had wanted him to-- he’d taken everything else and left her with no choice but to leave. She swallowed again, feeling her heart beginning to seize up again. “Smoothie’s work better for me, too,” she agreed, smiling, “Al’s sounds perfect.” She stood up and grabbed her bag, stuffing her papers in, eager to get out of here and away from the feeling of being watched. “You’re driving,” she said as she brushed past Dani and hurried towards the door. This place was getting suffocating-- everywhere was just so suffocating.

Dani decided to take Bex’s explanation as the truth. She didn’t have a reason not to. She did however notice the way that her friend glanced around the study hall. Dani mirrored Bex and cast a few quick glances, but didn’t see anyone, or anything out of place. For the most part, everyone had their nose in whatever the hell it was they were studying. “Maybe you should stay out of the woods,” Dani offered her a lighthearted laugh and stretched her arms above her head. “But it’s good you didn’t get too wrecked.” The woods were dangerous, but something told Dani that she didn’t need to remind Bex of that. Once Bex got to her feet, Dani followed after her, not expecting the brunette to rush out the door. Something was off, but she couldn’t place it. Dani left the study hall with one last look over her shoulder. Nothing. She gave a concerned look to the back of Bex’s head as they walked out into the sunlight. “Truck is this way,” She pointed towards the opposite parking lot, not too far from where the study hall was. Dani made sure to stay a few inches or so behind Bex. Her movements were abrupt, careful, anxious. It was so different from the girl that had hung her legs into the abyss. Dani took a deep breath and shoved her own anxieties as far down as they would go. Once they got to her truck, Dani rounded the side to the passenger door and unlocked the vehicle from there. “The driver’s side is busted.” A lie, but Dani couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. She waited on the other side for Bex to slide over and unlock the door for her, making a show of how the keys wouldn’t go into the keyhole. 

Bex didn’t remember that from last time, but she didn’t really stop to question Dani. She didn’t mind having her close until she crawled into the truck-- with a little trouble thanks to her boot-- and sidled over, unlocking the driver’s side. She’d closed her own door, first, glancing out the window as she scooted back. Nell hadn’t just taught her how to feel magic, but after everything that happened with Frank, she taught her how to understand her instincts. And they were screaming at her to get out of this place. She looked back over as Dani crawled in. “No new stains, I see,” she said in as much of a light-hearted tone as she could. She grinned. “Is the radio working yet?” she fiddled with the dials as the truck sputtered to life, only giving a sigh of relief when they’d pulled from the parking lot and were on the road. No one could hurt them out here. She leaned back in her seat and let her head rest against the back, closing her eyes a moment. She was going to be fine. This was all fine. She pulled out her phone and fiddled with it, wondering if she should text Eddie. She looked over at Dani. “Thanks for uh...hanging out with me.”

Dani hopped into the cab. “Nah, it’s been awhile.” She had plenty of run-ins with different things, but none that had her creating new works of art with her wounds on the upholstery. It took her no time to pull out of the parking lot. She checked the rearview, as well as sideview mirrors. “It is, but we have to hit a certain part of town for it to actually be clear.” She glanced over at Bex, immediately noticing the way her features started to soften. Yeah, something was definitely not right. She held her tongue despite the questions she wanted to ask. It wasn’t a far drive to Al’s, at least. Soon they’d be tucked away in a booth, and then maybe she’d ask. Would Bex instead feel cornered? Would she feel cornered now? Dani was pulled out of her thoughts once Bex spoke up. “Oh, yeah. No problem.” The hunter didn’t correct Bex about how she had practically seeked her out. Instead, she reached over to the dial on the radio and began to fiddle with it. A staticy pop song filtered through the speakers and she looked over with an apologetic smile. “Sorry, this might be the best you’re going to get.” She continued to drive until she hit the turn that’d take her down the main street to Al’s. While they drove, she continued to look at all of her mirrors. Nobody seemed to be following them, but Dani still couldn’t shake Bex’s appearance from before they left the school.

The song jumped to life on the radio and Bex tried to let the sound of it relax her. She didn’t actually like the song, but it was better than the silence that let her remember how the forest had sounded, how the leaves sounded, crunching under her feet as she ran. Her body shivered in the seat and she shook it off, looking back over at Dani. “It’s fine,” she said, smiling, even as the hairs on her arms stood on end. No, it would be fine. It would be. There wasn’t anyone following her, it was just her own paranoid mind. She’d been thinking about it too much lately, she needed to just relax. Besides, Dani was capable. She could let herself relax here. They pulled up to Al’s and Bex turned to look back at Dani. “I am sorry,” she said suddenly, “for-- for not texting you back. Things have been...complicated, lately. But I swear it was nothing about you! Or on you. It’s uh-- more a me thing.” She figured Dani deserved the truth about at least one thing in her life. Her throat felt tight, but she felt an almost obligation to tell her. She hoped she understood. “But I’m working on it! And I...really appreciate you not, um, being mad or anything.” She felt the inside of the car growing smaller, suffocating her, just like the study hall had, and she reached for the door handle. “Shall we uh-- milksh-- smoothies! Head inside?”

Finally, Dani pulled into the parking lot. She glanced around before, checking her mirrors once more. When Bex apologized, she held a hand up and shook her head. “Don’t apologize. You obviously had your reason or whatever.” Dani didn’t go into how she thought Bex had gotten hurt, or how maybe she’d gotten sick of her. What would it matter if it were the latter? One less person to worry about outside the context of her job. Still, ever since having seen Milo’s end, the fear that everyone close to her would suddenly up and die was eating at the back of her brain. “But I appreciate it.” Dani smiled at Bex. She meant to reach out, to give her friend a reassuring pat on the shoulder, but the passenger side door was being ripped open by somebody she didn’t recognize. “What the-- Who the fuck!” Dani yelled, trying desperately to grab onto Bex’s arm as the man pulled her out of the cab. 

“Yeah, but I just want you to know I appre--” Bex had started, but in the next moment, her door was being thrown open and someone was ranking her out of the car. She’d been facing Dani, she had no idea who it was. A dread had filled her up and she let out a scream and whoever had been holding her was thrown backwards into the car a few spots behind them. They hit it with a crunch as Bex’s magic exploded from her and the windows of all the cars around cracked-- some shattered. She fell to the ground, palms scraping against asphalt as she scrambled to push herself back to her feet, into the car, towards Dani-- anywhere. Her mind was dragging her back into the forest with Frank and she couldn’t breath, and her hands grasped at leather of the seats and she tried to hold herself together so she didn’t explode even more. But then hands were on her again, and she had enough time to turn her head to see who it was and-- “Frank!” she screamed, kicking out at him, “Let GO! LET GO! FRANK!” she screamed and kicked and she saw his missing hand and felt his arms wrapping around her again and she screamed. “DANI!” And she didn’t even feel metal slipping between her ribs, as her body fought against the shock of what was happening. What was happening again.

Dani acted quickly. She didn’t care that it was bright out, or that they were in a parking lot, and that anybody could see them. What she cared about was Bex being dragged away. She slid through the cab out of the passenger side door. Using her own would be too risky, it’d take too much time. The windows of the car next to her truck exploded and Dani barely flinched. Any action to save herself was inaction for Bex. “Bex!” Dani yelled. She didn’t know who this man was, or what he wanted from Bex. What she did know was that he was not undead, which meant that she couldn’t be certain if he was human, or some other god awful creature. What mattered most was that he was hurting her friend. She could see the fear on Bex’s face and it fueled her fire. Bex seemed to recognize him. Frank. Who the fuck was Frank and why did he think he was allowed to touch Bex like this? Dani threw herself forward as soon as she saw the knife, but she was a second too late. She saw it plunge deep into Bex’s side. Dani let out an animalistic cry and reached for the hand that was around the knife and snapped it backwards. He only had one good one. From this angle and with everything happening, Dani was unsure where the knife had gone through. Pulling out could risk bleeding out quickly. If it stayed inside, then she had a fighting chance. One arm supporting Bex from falling too far to the ground, the other still on the man’s broken hand, Dani craned her head back and slammed her forehead into the man’s nose. Pain exploded in her own face, but hopefully it’d be enough to distract the man with the now broken hand. 

The commotion was already drawing the attention of those just trying to enjoy their day in the restaurant. Bex didn’t notice any of them, because her mind was focusing on staying here, in this moment. She stumbled back and the ground turned to leaves as she blinked. Leaves and mud and twigs and she should run. She needed to run. Except she couldn’t run. Someone was holding onto her. She cried out again, trying to shove them away. It was Frank, he was back for her, he had found her, she hadn’t gotten away in time. WIthout any control of her mind, her magic reached out and it wormed its way into Dani, and all the fear and the all anger and all the pain Bex had felt from that day rushed through it. She yanked her arm away, reeling backwards, falling to the ground again. She backed herself up until she hit the car. The pain in her side began to spread, but the only thing she saw was a forest and trees and Frank.

And something-- something wasn’t right. He was already missing a hand. He looked so angry. He hadn’t been this angry before. Bex’s gaze stuck on him. Something was wrong with him. She heard his bones snapping but he just kept going. He barreled into Dani and brought them both to the ground and started hitting her. “S-stop it,” Bex stuttered, “Stop it!” Louder, ears ringing. “STOP IT!” Windows blew out, car alarms went off. The pavement beneath Dani and Frank caved in and tossed them apart. She should’ve let Nell kill him. She should’ve let her kill him. Kill him. 

Dani’s heart was loud in her ears. This wasn’t Milo’s situation, but she saw Milo’s face. But Bex was awake, she was alive. For the most part. From what she could tell. Dani grunted as the man shifted his focus from Bex onto her. She used the skills she’d learned from her mother, from the Quinn’s, from watching Adam, from just about anyone who had a hand in training her. She shifted her feet slightly, avoiding the first knock from Frank, but then something happened. Something changed. She felt anger seep into her bones, cracking and reverberating around inside of her chest. She could feel it in her throat. Deep, terrible, hungry. She barely noticed Bex falling to the ground. All she saw was Frank, and how she wanted to wrap her hands around his throat until there was no life left. Before she could, however, she was being thrown to the ground. The man was on top of her, his only, slightly broken hand coming into contact with her already broken nose. Dani reached up with her own hands, thumbs coming to the base of his throat, starting to squeeze. He choked and spluttered, but he didn’t stop hitting. 

Dani could feel the blood running back past her ears, from her mouth and her nose. Blood dripped from his face, too. Carnage pooled around them and individuals stared on. She kept her hands tightly around his throat, envisioning the way that he might succumb to her grip. It was the only way she could make Bex safe. Before she could dig her fingers into his skin even deeper, he was being pulled off of her from the force of something beneath them. Dani continued to see red, it twisted her insides. She felt everything. Dani wanted to continue, she wanted to squeeze until the light left this man, the man who dared to hurt her friend. Somehow, she managed and turned to look at Bex. There was blood blooming at her wound and she looked dangerously pale. Fuck. Dani pushed past the anger, it felt like drinking poison. She hurried over to her friend and checked over the wound. From the angle, it didn’t seem to hit a major organ, but Bex was still losing a lot of blood. “We need to go,” She said coldly. 

Bex blinked and she was in the parking lot and the trees were gone and she wasn’t barefoot in the forest. She was in the parking lot. And Dani was on the ground and she was bleeding and Frank was on the ground near her and he was also bleeding. Her body felt cold, hot at the same time. She was trembling. Her side hurt. She pulled her hands away and found them stained red. It was draining down her side and onto the pavement and felt nauseous. There was something sticking out of her. She wrapped her hands around the handle and pulled it out and she screamed as a ragged edge tore through her skin. Oh no. Oh no. She shouldn’t have done that. She shouldn’t have done that. Mina had taught her about knives. She should’ve known. Of course his knife had been serrated, it made for better tearing, it made it harder for a wound to heal, to close. “D-Dani…” Bex stuttered, looking around bewildered. The girl was coming towards her now but something was different. She looked so angry. She looked ready to kill. Maybe Bex should just let her do it. Her eyes fell to Frank. He was unmoving on the ground. People were rushing towards them. A siren sounded in the distance. Bex squeezed the knife in her hand. It would be so easy. She could walk over there and finish what Nell started. No, she couldn’t. She couldn’t do that. She couldn’t do that.

Dani’s voice was chilling and Bex shivered again. She looked up at Dani with unseeing eyes as the world began to blot away. There was so much blood on her hands. She barely registered being lifted back into the truck. Her head lolled to the side. Wasn’t this all supposed to stop? This was supposed to stop. That’s why she’d gone home. If it didn’t stop, then what was the point? What was the point? Why had she suffered, why was she suffering? The engine roared to life and Bex sagged against the window. She was so tired. She wanted to sleep. She remembered how it felt after Kyle had mauled her. Knife in her side, just like claws on her chest. She scrambled to find some sense of preservation, like she had in the alley. She’d fought against the ebbing tide of blackness for Kyle. For Mina. For Morgan and Nell. She’d had something to fight for, then. Now, she had nothing. Even here in Dani’s car and with Kyle’s promise and Eddie’s hand, she had nothing. She closed her eyes.

Dani watched as Bex removed the knife and a silent scream bubbled in her throat. The anger she felt, it bloomed and bit at her, little pin pricks of what if’s scattered in her head. What if I killed him for doing this, what if I used the same knife he’d used on Bex, what if I-- She could see the blood more clearly now. Bex’s entire shirt was covered in it, so were her hands. Everything was red. An angry, sickly red. She felt her heart in her throat as she moved. The pain that blossomed in her nose, in her head-- all of it was forgotten. With Bex there, bleeding out on the ground, Dani knew she needed to work quickly. If she didn’t, her friend would die. The anger she felt still splintered and crackled across her skin. It took everything in Dani’s power not to turn around and stab Frank with the knife he’d used on Bex. She couldn’t do that. He was human. She’d have to let the authorities-- the human authorities deal with him. Walking away was painful, she soon realized. 

But still, Dani managed to get Bex into the truck. Robotic in her movements, she ran to the driver’s side door and threw herself in. The engine roared to life and Dani peeled out of the parking lot. Dani looked through her side view mirror to see Frank trying to get to his feet, but the onlookers pushed him down as the police swarmed in. It took everything in her power to not reverse the truck, to-- Dani noticed the silence and immediately looked over to Bex. Eyes closed, her chest barely rising and falling. The blood continued to blot her shirt and Dani’s seats. One hand on the steering wheel, the other pressing into Bex’s wound, Dani drove, ignoring all stop signs and lights. The roar of the engine was the only noise to her ears. “Bex!” Dani yelled. She looked between the road and her friend. “Bex, you have to wake up! Wake the fuck up.” Her hand was covered in Bex’s blood now. It was hard to tell what was her own, Bex’s, or Frank’s. It seemed like a lifetime ago that she’d been wheeled out of the hospital by Nell. Now, she was back, and with an injured friend in tow. It was something she never wanted to have happen, but now it was-- was it her fault? She hadn’t acted quick enough. She had let Bex get stabbed, and now… Dani fought the urge to scream as she threw open her door with one hand. She awkwardly maneuvered around the cab, her hand still against Bex’s wound to try and quell some of the blood loss. She wasn’t sure how well she was doing. Bex looked lifeless. “Come on,” She breathed, pulling her friend out of the cab. Bex sagged in her arms, but Dani used all of her strength to carry her friend inside, having to release the pressure she held on her side to do so. “Somebody help!” Dani screamed as she ran through the doors. Immediately, Bex was removed from her hold and placed on a gurney. Dani tried to follow, but was being pulled back by a nurse who insisted she needed to be checked for injuries too. “Don’t let her die!” Dani screamed after them. 

Someone was calling her name. Was it Mina? She hoped it was MIna. Bex didn’t move as someone pulled her from the car and cradled her in their arms and rushed into the building and Bex watched the world passing by above her. Clouds and sun turned into burning white light. Tiles. Her head lolled over and she was set on a bed. Faces appeared and Bex realized it wasn’t Mina. They started rolling her away and she turned to look back at who had carried her in. It wasn’t Mina. Dani. She looked so upset. She was yelling at the doctors, even as they struggled to pull her away, to look at her face. Her face was bleeding. Frank had done that. Anger roiled through her body again and she couldn’t stop it. She should’ve let Nell kill him. She should’ve let Nell kill him. She might bleed out now because she hadn’t let Nell kill him. 

Why was this all still happening? Wasn’t she supposed to be safe at home? Why had Frank come after her again? What was wrong with him? Her mother had said she was safe from him. She had lied. She had lied. Her mother was always so full of lies. The doctor’s pulled her onto another bed and looked down at her and said something to her. She didn’t hear them. All she could think about was Frank. What was wrong with him? Why was he doing this? What if he hurt someone else? He’d already hurt Dani. WHat if he hurt Mina? Or Nell? She tried to reach up to them, to tell them she needed to go, she needed to find them and warn them-- but her arms wouldn’t move. Someone was hushing her, telling her not to move. She groaned, she needed to move. “Mina…” she managed to squeak out, “I need to--” There was something cold in her arm. She looked down to try and see but it was too late. In the next moments, sleep overtook her and she fell back to the bed.

Bex woke up to the calming sound of a beeping meter next to her. There was someone in the room with her, a blurry figure hunched in a chair. “Mina?” Bex called, but she blinked, and the world came back into view and her side was bursting with pain despite the I.V. in her arm and-- it wasn’t Mina. It was Dani. Bex tried to hide her look of disappointment and looked back up at the ceiling. “Sorry…” she muttered. She should probably text Eddie, he’d want to know about something like this. She was trying to figure out how she’d get out of here before her parents were called. She didn’t want her mom to show up. No one else needed to see that.

The moment that Bex was rolled out of sight, Dani fell to the floor. Every bone in her body hurt. She could taste the blood in her mouth, and every time she tried to speak, she could feel her skin pulling and stretching against the dried iron. The nurses in the emergency room fussed over her, leading her to an examination room. It felt like hours. Cotton swabs, tweezers, butterfly bandages, and stitches. All to put her back together. All to make her presentable for the outside world. With every few minutes, Dani had asked for updates on Bex. Was she alive? Was she awake? How much blood had she lost? She had offered her own, but found out they were opposite blood types. Then again, she wasn’t too sure how that worked with things the way they were. The anger she felt in the parking lot floated like an ember in the center of her chest. She wanted to find out where Frank was, she wanted to drive the knife through his chest. In the back of her head, she knew that was wrong. He was human. Even the undead did not deserve harsh, demented deaths. They deserved to be relieved from their suffering. But Frank? He deserved to suffer. She wanted to watch the light leave his eyes. For some strange reason, the thought did not scare Dani. Instead, it simmered. 

Eventually, she was led back to Bex’s room after constant insistence. Who’d be able to prove they weren’t sisters? She’d been asked multiple questions about what happened and she had told them honestly. Somebody named Frank had decided to stab Bex. That was all she knew. She hated the idea of them asking Bex more questions, especially when she’d already been through so much, but Dani knew that it’d happen regardless of the details she’d be able to give. She waited in the chair for some time, every beep of the machine beside Bex’s bed loud and jarring, as if taunting Dani. You were too late. She’s gone. It’s your fault. Except, Bex woke up. She looked disappointed, but Dani pushed past the hurt that bubbled in her chest. Bex was alive. Dani didn’t give a fuck if she wasn’t the one who was supposed to be there as she woke. Dani rose from her seat, catching her reflection in an adjacent mirror. Bruises had already begun to form under her eyes and she had butterfly bandages peppered like freckles across the bridge of her nose. “Hey,” Dani said quietly, holding onto the side of Bex’s bed to keep steady. “Are you…” She looked at her friend. She was alive. Dani could cry! She wanted to reach out, to touch Bex’s hand, to hold it. She withheld. Her own bandaged hands, rough and wreaking of death didn’t deserve to ghost against somebody like hers. Bex was good. Innocent. Damaged, but who wasn’t in this fucked up town? Dani thought about how she had let this happen. How Bex had nearly died because of her. “I’m sorry.” She said, and it was quiet, barely above a whisper. She looked into her friend’s eyes. The anger burned hot, the tendrils of its flame licking at every muscle, every blood vessel. Just seeing Bex in the hospital bed made Dani want to leave, to find Frank. She steeled herself against the thought. “Is there… Is there anything I can do?” She asked. Fuck, she wanted to reach out, to show herself that Bex was okay, that she was real. That this wasn’t some new fucked up portal she’d fallen through. But that’d be selfish. Her own comfort was not what was important here. The fact that Bex was alive was what was.

Dani’s face was littered with bandages and butterfly tape and Bex was suddenly angry that she’d just gotten away with one little stab wound. Well, one big one, she supposed. And scraped palms, but that was about it. She held up her other hand to look at it, picking at the bandage with the other. Dani was apologizing and Bex didn’t know what to say. “Don’t apologize,” she mumbled. She was trying to remember what had happened, wondering if the bruises under Dani’s eyes were her fault, too. She could remember Al’s, and being in a car, and then being yanked out and dragged to the ground and-- “Frank,” she said, and her voice felt urgent, raw in her throat. She swallowed. “Where-- where is he? Did he get away?” Had the police shown up? She didn’t remember. All she could see was grass and mud and leaves and trees, curling over above her, blocking the sun, casting shadows of hands reaching to grab her, take her, steal her away. They’d won, hadn’t they? The trees. Bex pressed her palms to her eyes and tried to let the gauze on her wrists soak up the tears before they fell. “I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have been caught up in that, I--” she shook her head. “I’m sorry.” 

She didn’t know how to explain it. Not in way that didn’t make everything sound stupid and horrible. She wondered if Dani would ask. She didn’t want her to ask. She looked back over at the other girl and saw the bruises and cuts and bandages again and reached out as if to touch her face, letting her hand hover just inches from it. “I’m sorry you got hurt.” 

Dani could hear the ticking of the clock that was centered above the door. That, in combination with the steady beep of Bex’s monitors began to sound like a lullaby. She blinked past the exhaustion that had settled and reached up to tenderly wipe a blood clotted strand of hair away from her own face. They’d done a shoddy job of cleaning her up. Then again, she hadn’t really let them do more than bandage her up. She’d broken her nose enough times to set it herself, and the look on the doctor’s face had shown visible pain at the very act, but she didn’t care. She was fine. She wasn’t the one who’d been stabbed, she wasn’t the one who had lost all that blood. When Bex asked about Frank, she felt a pang of guilt. Dani had bargained with the idea of having stayed, of having watched life leave him for what he’d done, and though that anger grew hot in her stomach and felt like iron on her tongue, she knew that she shouldn’t feel that way. He was human. Or appeared human. The idea of pretending he wasn’t had also flitted across her mind, but Bex’s blood loss had been too hard to ignore. If Dani hadn’t gotten her out when she did, her friend would be dead. “I think they stopped him. I can’t be sure.” Her voice was low, barely audible over the steady rhythm of the hospital lullaby. 

Bex was crying and Dani wanted to reach out, to comfort, but she didn’t know how. The rouge on her bandages from her split knuckles had already begun to peek out. It’d only be a matter of time before her cuts were worn over from her self-healing. She looked down at the way her injuries bloomed beneath the ace bandages and shook her head. “I’m okay, I’m not that hurt.” She smiled and looked up at Bex’s outstretched hand. She should take it. She knew she should. Instead, she reached forward and settled it down from where it’d come. She patted it twice, and though her fingers itched to linger, to feel the way Bex’s pulse vibrated beneath her fingertips, she pulled her hand away. This was a weakness. Caring the way she did for Bex like a sister. The question at hand being Frank, and if he’d gotten away, if he’d find Bex again-- it was too much for Dani to push away. “Do you need anything? Do you want me to call someone for you?” She straightened up and looked back behind her by the door. If Lauren knew that she was here, there’d be hell to pay and she knew it. “I told them we were sisters. I gave them a fake name.” It’d been quick thinking, and really, she wasn’t sure why she’d done it. “Mostly so they’d let me in to see you.” She took a deep breath and it felt like her chest was going to cave in. She needed to find Frank, to make him pay for what he’d done. But with Bex laying there, her deep brown eyes wet with tears, Dani wasn’t sure if she could make herself leave. 

Dani only thought they’d stopped him. She couldn’t be sure. Bex closed her eyes and tried not to let the thought send her into another spiral. She was safe here. She remembered how angry she’d been .She remembered watching Dani pummel Frank. Bex ran her hands through her hair, wincing as a pain in her arm reminded her of the IV in it. She looked back at Dani and she couldn’t explain what she was feeling. She had no idea. She was feeling everything and nothing. She wanted to scream again, she felt like she was going to explode. Dani didn’t take her hand, because Dani wasn’t Mina and Dani wasn’t Morgan and Dani wasn’t Nell. She curled her hands into fists and tried not to protest against the drowsiness too much. “No, no, I’m fine,” she muttered, laying her head back on the pillow and staring up at the ceiling. But when Dani mentioned calling someone, Bex’s blood turned to ice. They would have called her, wouldn’t they? It was on her emergency forms. Bex sat up straight and started pulling at the cords on her. “I need to go,” she said hurriedly. The soft beeping turned to a loud drone as she ripped off the electric patches on her chest. If her mother got here before she left, if her mother knew, if her mother saw, it would all be so much worse.

A nurse came bursting in only to see the scene, rushing to the bedside, pushing Bex back down. Bex winced and cried out, the pain in her side blossoming all over her body. “Relax! I need you to calm down!” the nurse turned to look at Dani sharply. “What happened? What’s going on?” Her voice hushed slightly as she returned her attention to Bex, struggling against her uselessly. “It’s okay, your mother is on her way, she’s almost here.” Bex froze, dread drawing on her face. “No, no, no. No, she can’t see-- no. I have to go, I have to--” But it was too late. It was always too late. Her mother always got there first. Her mother always found her first.

The pain and fear was recognizable on Bex’s face. Dani hated that it was there. She wanted to ease it, but she wasn’t sure how. She flexed her fingers. The air felt heavy, it felt like she was drowning in it. Her chest felt heavy. There had been fear, but then there was panic. Bex was suddenly thrashing in her bed, pulling at the IVs in her hands. It was the only time that Dani reached forward, trying to still her hands. “Bex--” Dani said, her voice coming out softer than intended. But it wasn’t any use. Bex was lost to the panic and she was spiraling. Dani didn’t know what to do. What had she done? Had she said something wrong? 

Before she could reason with Bex, a nurse was coming through the doors. Dani was pushed to the side as the woman began to smooth her hands over the cords and IV that were attached to Bex. The woman snarled at her and Dani steeled herself. So she had done something wrong. Anger boiled inside of her, it coated her throat. She wanted to yell back at the nurse, to tell her that she’d only been trying to help. Bex was still panicking and she was trying her best to get out of the bed. Dani watched with a pained expression on her features as Bex begged to leave. Something about not being able to be seen? By her mother? Dani’s eyes widened slightly, and just as Dani was about to explain that she could take care of Bex, she was being ushered out of the room, the feeling of the nurse’s fingers digging into her bruised arms and back. “Hey--” Dani protested, trying to grab the door, “Bex-- BEX!” Dani felt another hand on her wrist as she was being pulled away from the room. “Bex-- Hey! Fuck off, stop it!” She cried out at the feeling of the man’s pressure on her wrist. He wore a hospital uniform, something about security. She was being escorted out. Why? Why? Dani could easily break this man’s hand, she could give him the same broken nose, it’d match her own, but he was human, she couldn’t do that. He was just doing his job. “Bex!” Dani yelled again as she lost view of her friend’s room. Something was wrong-- far more fucked up than she had originally thought. 

[jacksgreysays]

Hisoka!AU of DOS, Rokudaime(whoever you pick to end up with that job in this verse), A Steady Hand (NOTE: For Hisoka!AU, see Recursive forum pg 489 #14,655 - Snapshots From The Past Of Hisoka by donahermurphy pg 489 #14,665 - A Meeting While Fleeing The Garden & Desert by Tirfarthuan pg 491 #14,716 - A Name & A Gift Passed On by Tirfarthuan)

A/N: Thanks for the biblio [1+2, 3], dona--I did not know who Hisoka was before this, so those helped a lot! I did, also, have to reread the Lone Wolf 'verse since from what I understand Hisoka is an AU of that 'verse specifically? If not, please let me know.

Anyway, on rereading Lone Wolf 'verse, here are the facts that I gleaned:

Danzo is Hokage

Hiruzen died of "natural causes" several years before canon

Kakashi "betrayed the village" somehow and is being called Comrade-Killer more prevalently than canon

Asuma is probably dead

Yuuhi Shinku isn't an entire dick (since Uchiha Uzume can think about him without an automatic insult attached)

Shin is still alive (but very slowly dying)

and Kurenai is helping the Uchiha at the very least cover up a meeting with Kakashi outside of the village.

The facts of the Hisoka!AU are:

Shikako was taken to be ROOT

in order to protect those she cared about she mentally/spiritually maimed herself to the point where she no longer counted as "a Shikako" to Gelel

her partner for the final exam was Sai

she escaped/convinced Sai that the point of the final exam was to fake her death and became a fishmonger on the coast of Wind

when Shikako!Prime leaves via Gelel she "wakes up" from said previous mental/spiritual maiming

Kakashi finds her and they're a lovely wolf and cub pair who aim to kill Danzo (and get rid of their loneliness and maybe heal)

... okay, now that I typed all that out, did you mean Hisoka!AU of canon DoS instead of the Hisoka!AU of the Lone Wolf 'verse? Because those are different things, I think. But I kinda figured Hisoka!AU was intrinsically tied to the Lone Wolf 'verse, so, uh, here's a couple of ideas I had in mind:

1) Akimichi Chouza as Rokudaime.

Because after the absolute worst sort of "warmongering, self-cannibalizing, Konoha first" bullshit that Danzo spewed, the village needs someone who recognizes that being the village leader means making and protecting a home worth living in, not just a harsh taskmaster sending his soldiers out to die.

I considered Shikaku!Rokudaime for a similar sort of reason, but it's not as thematic and, also on a personal level, he can't. In a Hisoka!AU, he has to reconcile the fact that he gave one of his children--willingly or not, even if Danzo wiped his memory later--to a man who he already knew would exploit her horrendously. Maybe he didn't know the full extent of ROOT's training (surely not the final exam) but the fact that he was apprehensive and still went through with it is not a good look.

Even if Hisoka and Kakashi do not return to the village proper (and part of me is like, hey! They shouldn't! And I will go into that more in a little bit) he has to make amends to at least her, if not both of them, and he can't be Hokage and bound to prioritize the village over her if he ever wants to succeed.

Chouza, on the other hand, is the only one of the three who never made that decision (I'm still a little side-eyeing the Yamanaka clan, because surely a clan whose whole deal is KNOWING WHEN MENTAL SHENANIGANS IS GOING ON should have seen that with Fu, especially since he was allowed to keep his name and also, probably, had to have clan training to learn the clan jutsu, but maybe it wasn't Inoichi who made that deal? Maybe it was his predecessor. Either way, still mega sketch. I'm a little hand-wavy with Shibi and the Aburame because I headcanon that the Kyuubi largely wiped out what power they had the most out of any of the clans and they were like. Desperate to survive. And didn't have allied clans to bolster them.) And yes, probably that's because as far as fighting styles are concerned, they rely on their clan jutsu which is very recognizable and thus not great for ANBU (in the same way that I imagine the Inuzuka aren't often recruited into ANBU) but it's still a notable fact. The Akimichi are trustworthy pillars of the village and have been since the beginning.

And it helps that of the Nidaime's team, Akimichi Torifu was one of two of the full six who didn't turn into an old corruptible asshole. Sure, we don't necessarily know what happened to him, but he wasn't specifically seen as an old corruptible asshole so I think he's winning. It reflects well on his clan as a whole. Also, given my headcanon of the Akimichi actively cultivating their ties with civilians and also possibly the Daimyo's family they have, alongside military might, financial and political clout.

Anyway, while a possible Tsunade as Rokudaime would have similar vibes (and does, you know, match canon and have those canon reasons for working) in terms of "healing the village" etc. etc. This is a Tsunade whose most bitter cynicism was proven right? And there's no inspirational Naruto to convince her otherwise. And also, Tsunade shouldn't HAVE to clean up Danzo's mess. Like, the minuscule obligation she had to clean up Hiruzen's mess does not apply to Danzo. (It's a little like... Tsunade, Jiraiya, and Orochimaru were raised to be the ultimate team to take over for Hiruzen except they didn't know it and were dysfunctional. The fact that Hiruzen's death was by Orochimaru's hand and between her and Jiraiya she is the better choice is the only reason why she has that slight obligation to go back to Konoha. Whereas, with Danzo? FUCK THAT NOISE. That's a mess the village needs to resolve on their own. THEY'RE the ones who let it get so bad. THEY'RE the ones who need to deal with it)

And also, another reason why I don't really want Tsunade as Rokudaime is because I kind of like the idea of Kakashi and Hisoka sort of orbiting/paralleling her and Shizune. Like, there's a not-so-secret society of Konoha expatriates who aren't actually missing-nin and both love and hate the village and Tsunade is exasperatedly fond of those two disasters whereas she is sickened by the village. Maybe one day it will have fixed itself enough that she'll go back and visit and whip their Medic Corps into shape, but that is not any time soon!

Also, also, also, and I don't know if you remember this, dona, but in your In Which Someone Attempts to Kidnap Shikamaru, Instead, Inoichi brings up something called the Regency Protocol with Ino in regards to Danzo kidnapping Shikako and brainwashing Shikaku to forget and originally I thought it was some kind of Ino-Shika-Cho contingency plan where the three clans take over the village BECAUSE DANZO IS KIDNAPPING AND MURDERING CHILDREN AND THE SANDAIME WAS LETTING IT HAPPEN ON HIS WATCH? And of the three clans, the Akimichi really do have the traditional fighting prowess to wear the hat, so that's part of this too.

I just think an Akimichi Hokage would be pretty chill about it. Like. They wear power well and are good at managing people without crushing them in the fist of tyranny.

---

2) Maito Gai as Rokudaime.

This one actually for similar reasons as Chouza. Although, in terms of lineage, Gai could be Shichidaime, not that we're particularly holding to that Hokage teacher-student lineage so much.

In terms of semi-parallels where canon goes Tsunade to Kakashi, that means Gai also is a candidate. And in regards to showing the village/world a new kind of Hokage, he's as far from Danzo as one could get. He's straightforward and kind and draws out the potential from everyone and honestly real great but also wouldn't send someone into a mission he himself wouldn't do. Obviously, being a Hokage would mean delegating and sending shinobi on missions, but he would never send them out to die just because. Yes there are risky missions, but he would send those best suited to succeed with every tool available to them so they can succeed. Whereas Danzo would just throw bodies at a problem and kill the survivors for not doing it good enough.

The main difference between a Rokudaime Gai vs Rokudaime Chouza is that Gai's Konoha would rely less on the clan system. Of his three students, two were not from clans and the third is from the Hyuuga Branch (AND YOU KNOW FOR SURE THAT'S GOING TO BE SOMETHING FINALLY ADDRESSED BY A HOKAGE BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK). Yes, his sensei was Akimichi Chouza, but neither of his teammates were clan either. A Konoha under the rule of Rokudaime Gai is a Konoha that builds up those who don't have the same infrastructure as clans, who strengthens civilian-born and clan-born alike, who make sure that talented civilian-born students aren't only noticed by predatory old men who can sweep there existences under the rug.

Because truly one of the many ways that Danzo's weird self-hating megalomania harmed the village was by draining away the talented civilian-borns of Konoha. He who hated that the Shimura were a near-civilian clan, committed the worst crimes against those who could have proved that bloodline wasn't everything. He was so obsessed with the power of the Sharingan that it became a self fulfilling prophecy. Any talented non-bloodline student who could have proven a challenge were stolen and smothered before they could prove themselves.

Because imagine this: one day some random student with the ubiquitous last name of Satou or Tanaka or Honda beats Uchiha Itachi in a spar. Maybe its an accident. Maybe they got lucky. Maybe Itachi wasn't taking them seriously (after all, what could some no name civilian born do to him?). But those maybes don't matter. Satou or Tanaka or Honda gets in one good hit. Surprises the prodigy of the Uchiha clan. Knocks him out.

The teacher takes a note of it. Talks about it in the teacher's lounge. One of Danzo's spies brings news of that notable spar.

By the next week--maybe even the next day--Satou or Tanaka or Honda is gone. No one beats Uchiha Itachi in a spar anymore. And ROOT adds another nameless, faceless soldier to its ranks.

BUT NONE OF THAT HAPPENS UNDER HOKAGE MAITO GAI. Because it is civilians that make Konoha a village and not just a loose coalition of clans. Because a name and a bloodline are not necessary to make a person great.

3) And here's the angsty/semi-bleak option: Yuuhi Kurenai as Rokudaime.

And I wrote a little bit for it, but I'm a little... mreh... about it because it does revolve a lot around the various men in her life which I'm not exactly proud of, tbh, but aaaaaaaaaagh this is endemic to a lot of Naruto fic. D:<

Yuuhi Kurenai is nobody's first choice.

(She was Asuma's first choice, and he was hers, and that had nothing to do with either of their fathers. Except now Asuma is--)

Her father wanted a son. A proper heir. Someone to elevate the prestige of the Yuuhi clan.

(In another universe, Yuuhi Shinku will think the only way his daughter can benefit the clan is through marriage, not her own merits. In this universe Yuuhi Shinku is a little bit more open minded enough to make do. He's still a dick, but not as much of one as he could've been. This puts Kurenai in an interesting position.)

The Uchiha clan are pursuing another ally with a little more fire power, a little more name recognition, and all the intimidation and influence that entails.

(But look at where that got Kakashi, exiled and with his reputation in tatters. Look at Gai who so eagerly and overtly wants to follow. Look at Asuma who--)

The rest of the village would prefer someone who didn't look so much like the clan of would be traitors. Someone who didn't have black hair and piercing red eyes. Someone who didn't specialize in genjutsu, an art for liars.

(Oh, but they were fine quietly suffering under a man who lied and stole and murdered. A man who manipulated and cheated and framed others for his crimes. A man who ruined everything he touched and Asuma tried to stop him, gods, but then he--)

And the world doesn't quite know what to do with a Hokage like her. Or a Kage that is a her, for that matter.

Yuuhi Kurenai is nobody's first choice.

But that's fine. She can make do.

She can make miracles out of nothing.

So the thought process to get to a Rokudaime Kurenai went kind of like such. Obviously, the Uchiha would prefer an Uchiha Hokage. However that largely depends on whether they succeed in their coup or not. There's the distinct possibility that Kakashi plus Shikako!Prime or Kakashi plus Hisoka will just kill Danzo and then leave, forcing the rest of the village deal with the consequences... AS THEY SHOULD... and thus also sort of cutting the coup off at the knees.

If the coup doesn't succeed (whether out of failure or because Kakashi and a Shikako kills Danzo first before they're prepared to do the rest of the coup) then if the political climate actually matches the one they perceive themselves being in (although, I don't think the Uchiha are as hated as they think they are, but its hard for them to see that isolated as they've been forced to be) then they're unlikely to get an Uchiha Hokage especially if news of them actually seeking an alliance with Comrade-Killer Hatake Kakashi comes out. Much less the aborted/failed coup. 

Anyway, no Uchiha Hokage without a successful coup... although, if there were a successful coup, the three Uchiha I would think would be even feasible would be Fugaku--boring, bland, but that's what they know. Shisui--friendly, well liked by those outside the clan, has an international reputation. Mikoto--this is largely based on fanon/headcanon, but she was ANBU Captain? That's pretty neat.

But, uh, to get back to the no Uchiha Hokage... Kakashi's reputation is still in tatters. Maito Gai could be a good option, but while his lack of clan is a good thing for future Konoha, he doesn't quite have the political backing necessary to get there. (Namikaze Minato was an undisputed war hero. Maito Gai hasn't quite proven himself that level yet)

If its brought up that the Ino-Shika-Cho were compromised (ie, Shikaku would have worked closely with Hokage Danzo as the Jounin Commander and also one of Danzo's top ROOT agents is Yamanaka Fu) then even Chouza's candidacy would be suspect.

The village wants Tsunade. But Tsunade does not want it. I have no fucking idea what Jiraiya has been up to, but if he didn't want the hat after Hiruzen died he sure as fuck won't want it after whatever Danzo's done with it.

The Hokage's Council is suspect. Yuuhi Shinku, for all that he is similarly important to the infrastructure of Konoha while also not being part of Danzo's corruption (in another universe, he very well would have been, desperate for power), isn't actually that strong and is old, besides. (The village has had enough of old men entrenched in positions of power telling them what to do).

But he does have a daughter. Genjutsu specialist, yes, but with potential and room to grow. And Sarutobi Asuma loved her (and, fuck, what a shitty campaign to run on, the would-have-been-widow of the Sandaime's son, but you know Shinku would be ruthless in pushing that. Remember, not as much of a dick in other 'verses, but still a dick) so she has that tether to the old regime, tentative as it is.

No one really has any major objections, but no one is really all that gung-ho about it either (except for maybe Anko who will punch all detractors in the face and may very well be a one woman Hokage's Guard).

Kurenai least of all. Because she doesn't want to be Hokage, but she'd rather step up and do it than watch her village tear itself apart even further. And maybe she doesn't know who she is just yet, and maybe it sucks that she's going to have to discover that while also being Hokage, but gods she's going to try her best because at least she knows what Danzo was doing was wrong and that there's no way she can do worse than him unless she just actively slaughtered children in the street.

...

Hm, yeah, kinda bleak ending. But as I said. The Rokudaime Kurenai one is the angsty-bleak option. I mean, it gets more hopeful, but it is a struggle I think for both her and the village.

I know its not a proper ficlet fill, dona, but hope you enjoyed this brain storm / meta anyway. :D 

[elencelebrindal]

Gold Saints Power Ranked

So, according to the conversation I had with my friends, that started the previous post about Shaka, this is the result. I am trying to be realistic here, as much as Saint Seiya can allow me. So, no pot bullshit and no miraculous victory for the sake of the show.

Only five of them are properly ranked. All the other ones fall under the same category, sort of.  Mostly anime based, but there’s a few canon information from the manga as well. I wanted to be as thorough as possible. 

Under the cut so if you’re not interested you don’t need to scroll down like a madman. This is a really long post, and it contains all the stuff I’ve written over time plus the conclusions I’ve got from talking about this with my friends. 

I will hopefully be back with the honest opinions maybe on Wednesday. It depends on what happens the day before. 

#1 Virgo Shaka

“The man closest to god” If this alone doesn’t convince you that he’s the most powerful of the Gold Saints, remember what the premise of this character is.  Eyes closed as to stockpile huge amounts of cosmo, almost a literal deity who has Buddha with him, feared by everyone at the Sanctuary, his “death” shocked every single Saint in a five mile radius.  He used the Athena Exclamation to awaken the Eight Sense and travel to the Underworld, instead of... you know, just being annihilated from existence thanks to the power of the Big Bang. 

He wasn’t the strongest Gold Saint in the past, being overpowered by Aiolos and the twins, but became the most powerful (especially in terms of cosmo) thanks to constant training and refining.  Moreover, he has 13 years of training more that Aiolos, and possibly a good amount of training more than Saga (because come on, you really think he thought about becoming stronger during his tyranny?) and Kanon (was trapped in Cape Sounion for more that 5 minutes, I believe).

All of his techniques are terrifying. His illusions are straight-up dangerous, almost impossible to overcome, and he can get rid of a person’s five and/or six senses in the blink of an eye.  Not even Saga, Camus and Shura, who knew him and were still as powerful as they were before dying, could escape from that. 

#2 Saga & Kanon

Yes, they are more powerful than Aiolos. Why, you ask? Canonically, Saga is the strongest Gold Saint of his generation and the most powerful Saint to have ever served Athena. Kanon is basically the same. They’re not the actual strongest Saints just because it’s really illogical for them to be better than Shaka, and I’m not going 100% canon here, but somewhat 50/50 between canon and “realism”.  And...  Well, they’re been alive for longer. For the same exact reason, by the Hades Chapter, Kanon is way stronger than Saga, even though they’ve been on the same level until Saga’s death during the Sanctuary Arc. There’s no way I’ll believe that Kanon didn’t get stronger during the time Saga was dead. It’s unrealistic. 

They both have incredible mind controlling power, a claim backed up by the Demon Emperor Fist (Saga successfully mind-controlled Aiolia with this, while Kanon did the same with both Lune and Rhadamanthys), and they're able to conjure extremely powerful illusions.  They’re obviously not on Shaka’s level, because let’s not forget what happened to Saga during the Sactuary Arc: Shiryu, being blind at the time, easily defeated his illusions.  And! Kanon was able to trick Saga when he came back as a Specter, even if he retaliated.  The most dangerous technique they have clearly shows their true cosmo, and I’m not talking about the Galaxian Explosion. Sure, that’s capable of obliterating anything and anyone in its path, but it can be countered.  No, I’m talking about their ability to send people in other dimensions.  Saga’s Another Dimension and Kanon’s Golden Triangle (I think this is the English name, I might be wrong) are something to be afraid of. Not even the Thanos snap can compare to that. One second you’re chilling out in your dimension, the other you’re lost in nothingness for the rest of eternity. 

But, in the past, Aiolos was stronger than them. They only got so far, in the present day, because Aiolos died, thus allowing them to surpass him. 

Still on #2 Dohko

To whoever thinks Dohko is not one of the most powerful Gold Saints of this generation... what the hell are you doing!? Seriously, though.  Dohko survived his generation’s Holy War, 100% not out of luck, and is by far the most experienced of them all. Not only that, his cosmo is clearly out of this world. This man, misopethamenos (I had to do a double take on that one) or not, spent two hundred years without using a single drop of his cosmo.  And believe me, even if his heart slowed down, I doubt his cosmo would have simply stopped growing. It was still two hundred years. Do you want me to believe he just stayed there, idly watching, without gaining anything from that much time passing? Yeah, no. 

Still don’t believe me? Saga himself, in the manga, said that he’s the strongest Saint.  Not enough to overpower Shaka, obviously for the reasons stated above, but enough to retain his second place alongside the twins. 

#3 Aiolos

Yes, your heard me right. Third place.  Fair is fair. Aiolos was so powerful that Shion wanted him to be the next Pope. There is no denying that, and there is no denying that canonically he was stronger that Saga.  But... you see the problem, right? Aiolos died in the past. Even if he was the strongest back then, he had no way of keeping his strength going.  I still believe no one, aside from who already was as powerful as him, could be able to become stronger, so that’s the reason he gets third place.

By the time he came back in the Hades Chapter, I saw absolutely no reasons to believe it was still possible to describe him as the strongest of them all. Moreover, I saw no reasons to believe, would Aiolos be still alive, that he could claim the title of Pope as his own.  Realistically speaking, by the end of the show, Aiolos is probably the one with the least experience (having died young this sentence sounds weird) and anyone would be a better choice than him.  But we’re talking about cosmo, and his cosmo gets him the third place. 

#4 Mu

Yep.  Our beloved self-licensed blacksmith gets a spot among the most powerful Gold Saints of this generation.  Why? First of all, his master was Shion. And if you have a good master, you are a good disciple.  Second, he has the strongest psychic powers of his generation. Much like Shion, in fact. No one is better than him at psychokinesis, teleportation and telepathy, and this is backed up by the Sanctuary Arc.  Remember the time Shaka asked for his help because he didn’t have enough power to teleport both himself and Ikki back to Athena’s Sanctuary? Because I do. 

He might not be that memorable, in fact even one of my friends claimed he isn’t that good, but I beg to differ.  Mu is experienced, he had Shion to help him become a Gold Saint, he can repair any Cloth thanks to his skill, and he’s dangerous. Even if the classic series doesn’t give us the impression Mu could be a real threat, the Hades Chapter fixes everything.  The Crystal Wall? Impenetrable. The Starlight Extinction? Oh boy, what a treat. In fact, this technique in particular tells you how versatile Mu’s ability with psychic power is, since he’s able to use it both defensively (aka when he teleported Seiya away from the battle) and offensively (aka when he teleported Deathmask and Aphrodite with the objective to kill them). 

Don’t tell me he can be underestimated. because he will kick your ass into outer space. 

#5 is all of the other ones, in no particular order, because I believe they are mostly on the same level. Well, that... and they haven’t been described as “the strongest” in canon works. 

Milo

Kind of obvious I would still start with him, but at this point you know who my favorite of this 12 idiots is.  Milo’s power is a tricky one. At first it might not seem much, and I’ve been around people who described him as weak, but that’s inaccurate.  First of all, I think many people forget how devastating Milo’s cosmo is, showed to us by the destruction of Andromeda Island, but this is not the point I’m making. 

Rather, I want to focus your attention on the Scarlet Needle.  Which, admittedly, is a scary technique, to the point of Milo not using it if the opponent surrenders.  We know that Gold Saints are not spotless heroes. They kill without thinking twice about it, they’re brutal, they never abandon a fight until someone dies. Taking this into account, the sheer fact that Milo refuses to use the Scarlet Needle on someone who surrenders is enough to make you think about it. It is stated time and time again what the Scarlet Needle is and what it does. One single hit can make the victim suffer tremendous amounts of pain, even if it doesn’t kill. If we say that this technique mimics the way a scorpion’s poison works, it’s even worse because of the effect it could have on the body.  Canonically, the Scarlet Needle causes potentially lethal blood loss on top of agonizing pain, and (but I’m not sure about this) could get rid of the five senses. Moreover, the victim can easily go crazy due to the amount of pain, and I’ve always believed a realistic effect would be an early body paralysis. He uses a technique called Restriction, after all.

Sure, if he doesn’t use Antares, if the victim doesn’t die of blood loss or succumbs to the pain, this technique can be survived. But I don’t think anyone less than a Gold Saint, a Marina General or a Judge could actually survive without Milo’s help. After all, we do see Milo stopping the course of his technique with both Hyoga and Kanon.  The reason why I don’t believe he’s stronger than the average Gold Saint of this generation (don’t forget that all of them are god-tier warriors in any case) is the random chance this technique bears. One hit cannot kill a strong opponent, and even if his entire fighting style is based on quick actions there’s no way for him to predict if every single needle will hit, and there’s no way for him to know if someone he hit with Antares would 100% die. In most cases the victim dies, but they have a slight chance of surviving. 

Camus

Let’s immediately address the elephant in the room. Camus cannot reach the Absolute Zero.  Now, while in my non-canonic works I go the realistic way and make him master this temperature, I will be keeping my logic ass down.  The only thing that makes Camus different from the other Gold Saints is the fact that he uses his cosmo to stop the atoms, instead of manipulating them in other ways. In one word, cold.  There’s nothing else special about him, and I will not be biased by the fact that I love this character.  He is a cold person, he can appear insensitive and strict, but nothing about him tells me he is more powerful than the average Gold. He’s just different, not stronger. 

Obviously, I recognize how dangerous his Freezing Coffin is. If you get trapped in there, it’s over. It might not be deadly (even if it should definitely be, given a normal person is going to suffocate inside a solid block of ice), but it’s something to be afraid of.  However, it has some important weaknesses. One, it’s almost useless against moving targets. It takes too long to create, so encapsulating a person that’s moving around is not happening. Two, anyone who is able to create a lower temperature while being inside it can get out. On a more realistic level, I believe the Freezing Coffin could be an almost instantaneous technique. Camus’ cosmo is definitely able to summon enough cold energy to create one without needing too much time (think about the Freezing Coffin in Saint Seiya Awakening), but! since he’s not actually able to be that fast... you see where I’m going with this. 

Aphrodite

He has the same problem that made me put Milo in the average Gold Saints. I know that he’s dangerous, that his roses are not something to underestimate, but there’s a huge problem with random chance here.  He is said to be one of the strongest among the Saints, and people are terrified of him because of his fighting abilities and personality, but I don’t think he makes the cut to be on top simply because of the fact he mostly relies on items to channel his cosmo. Roses and vines can be effective up to a certain point, cosmo or not.  Even his most powerful technique, the Bloody Rose, can be stopped much more easily than a blow fired with raw cosmo (that is a weird sentence and I know). It can be destroyed before it hits, and a person can successfully shield themselves. I know a Bloody Rose is powerful enough to pierce a Gold Cloth, but it can be stopped. In the end, the effective power of the rose lies in Aphrodite’s ability to use it, but if his opponent knows him or uses a good defensive technique... well, it won’t work.  The vines are similar. Sure, they’re imbued with cosmo, but someone could be able to counteract them, and then what? 

Now, if Aphrodite had one particular technique, one that we’ve seen another Pisces Saint use... things would have been different. I would have believed with no question asked that he deserves to be above average.  What technique am I talking about? Crimson Thorn. Albafica’s unique attack, that he can use thanks (ironically) to his poisonous blood.  That technique doesn’t rely on external items. It doesn’t require roses, or vines, or anything else. Just the blood of the Saint. It’s dangerous because it’s almost impossible to counteract, I believe it to be extremely difficult to be aware of if you’re the opponent, and it’s lethal. That’s pure poison shot straight into your body, with no other media used to inject it.  Unfortunately for Aphrodite (or luckily?) he cannot use it, so the random chance of his attacks is very much still there, hindering my ability to put him at the top. 

Deathmask

Right off the bad, I deeply respect his psychic abilities. Being able to reach all the way to China with his cosmo is not an easy feat. This is similar to what Camus did to sink the ship even more, but ten times more powerful, since he actually took control of Shunrei’s body to make it levitate and fall.  But is this enough to win him the top spot? Nope.

Of course, I’m not saying he’s not powerful. Deathmask is able to snatch the soul off of his opponent body and send it straight to the  Yomotsu Hirasaka. That alone is scary. Imagine if there is a man, out there, capable of pointing his finger at you and BOOM you’re not in the realm of living anymore. Your body id still out there, but your soul is trapped with the souls of the dead, ready to die as well.  The thing is... there’s nothing else about him. Sure, he can use his cosmo to travel between the two places, but we don’t know how powerful he really is.  With us knowing just one technique, and with him not getting that much attention, I have no reasons to say he deserves to be on top.  I have no evidence of him being more powerful than the average.  There is a reason I liked Manigoldo more than him, after all. 

Aldebaran

Ok. Aldebaran is a problem I didn’t account for when writing this.  Technically, he is the strongest of them all. Physically, at least. He might not have that tremendous cosmo of his fellows in the top 5, but he is the most powerful in terms of physical strength.  Because of this, I was conflicted about whether to put him, if above average or among average.  In the end, I decided for the latter. Sure, Aldebaran is an amazing fighter, and could have easily defeated the Bronze Saints at his temple (as stated by Mu, he didn’t fight to his full potential), but physical strength is not the most important characteristic in a Saint. At least, not in a Gold Saint.  There’s a lot of enemies in the Saint Seiya world that are not going to be defeated by using physical strength. And even though I fully believe the physical strength of a Saint can overpower another person’s cosmo, I don’t think that mainly relying on it it’s a successful strategy. 

Of course, betting everything on your cosmo is useless as well, and the Hades’ barrier is a perfect example of that, but there is a threshold you can cross with your cosmo (i.e. someone with a divine or almost divine cosmo would not have a single problem against this kind of defenses, realistically). With physical strength... eh, there’s a limit.  Spiritual power can be enhanced infinitely, I don’t see anything preventing you from doing that other than your own mind, but physical strength is different. I don’t care how powerful you cosmo is, how divine your blood is. Your body has limits than cannot be crossed, even supernaturally speaking.  You can refine your cosmo to the point of being able to break a planet in half, but there’s no way I’ll believe something like that is possible with physical strength, and that’s why Aldebaran is not above average.  It’s amazing that he’s so different from anyone else, but relying on something that is, no doubt, limited... eh, it makes him less powerful.

Aiolia

I can already fell you people coming for me for putting Aiolia among the average Saints. But honestly... can you blame me? I am aware of the “reincarnation of Achilles” thing, don’t worry. And I don’t deny in any way that he’s powerful and that he is undoubtedly a skilled fighter. But he doesn’t stand out that much. I asked some people to give me an opinion of him, and the majority of them said that Aiolia has to be really powerful since his master was Aiolos (like the thing between Mu and Shion), but I have my doubts.  First, Aiolia only trained with his brother for a short time. Second, even though Aiolos was his master, I don’t think it’s accurate to use this as an assumption for Aiolia being more than average. This situation was not a “master chooses his disciple” thing, but a “helping a little brother out” thing. 

Now, on a fighting skills level I think he is above average. There’s no way people started talking about him as Achilles, otherwise. He has a fiery personality, I respect that.  Though, his cosmo is not that out of the ordinary. Sure, he has a shit ton of techniques, much like his brother, but I have no evidence supporting the fact that he could be more that what we see.  I love that he has an healing cosmo, I cannot stress this out enough, and I love that people just tremble in fear because of his presence. But in terms of training he did nothing special, if anything all the gossip about him made it even more difficult to develop a cosmo similar to his brother’s. Like I said, I’m looking at the more logical path here, and it makes sense that his past would have taken away something from him. 

BUT I am absolutely not forgetting what Episode G told me. He can generate electricity with is cosmo, something that could kill gods. Now that’s something that would put him above average, for sure, if you don’t take everything else into account. 

Shura

He was difficult for me to analyze in terms of power, because it’s never actually him fighting with his raw cosmo, but it’s Excalibur. The sword resides in his arms and legs, so technically you could still say it’s him, but I though about it and concluded that yes, he is the one doing the fight, but without channeling his cosmo through Excalibur I don’t think he’d be that scary.  This doesn’t make Shura less than any other Saints, let me be clear. He is the Capricorn Saint, and the Capricorn Saint always had Excalibur to begin with. His capabilities are measured by looking at how skilled he is with Excalibur, not with his raw cosmo.  The reason why it was difficult for me to understand where to actually put him is the fact that Excalibur alone is a terrifying weapon (I know I keep using that word, but I’m honestly stressed out and my vocabulary is lost somewhere in my stress-free life).

As far as we know, every Capricorn Saint has a different level of skill and power regarding Excalibur. Capricorn Izo, for example, as Hyoga said had a stronger Excalibur than Shura. Capricorn El Cid, on the other hand, successfully used Excalibur to kill a minor god, even if aided by Sisyphus.  Shura as well knows the art of this sacred sword by heart, and in Episode G he reached the power of the gods, but this thing is never highlighted enough for me to actually be able to give him a spot among the above average Gold Saints. The majority of the things we know about him don’t spend particular amounts of time praising his power, and from what I can see I don’t want to gift him a spot he probably doesn’t deserve.  Even if I love him.

[divineluce]

An Impasse || Solomon & Luce

Timing: November 13th

Location: The Outskirts

Tagging: @shroomsbysolomon & @divineluce

Description: Solomon and Luce officially meet for the first time. It goes about as well as you’d expect.

For the third night in a row, Luce laced up her shoes and exited the Vural home. Her homecoming had been… rocky at best. A shitshow at worse. And, what with all of the bullshit she’d found out regarding Nadia, Remmy giving her shit for leaving, and the goddamn menagerie of animals in her room, sleeping was pretty much out of the question. Which left her with two options-- hit up Soul and risk running into frankly Frank again, or go for a run. It was a no-brainer. Jogging into the woods, she made her way through the familiar trails that wound their way behind Bea’s home. She’d run them so often that, even after spending a month out of town, she still remembered every curve and turn in the path. It was easy, it was simple, it was going through the motions. She could do that, right? And then, once she could do that, maybe things would get better. As she ran, Luce noticed a figure off the path, illuminated in the waning moonlight and she slowed to a stop. “You lost there?” She asked, squinting through the darkness.

Solomon had a bad habit of losing himself in whatever he was doing, hyper-focusing to the point that he’d forget the world around him until something demanded his attention. In this case, it was an unexpected voice, jarring him out of whatever reverie he’d fallen into and urging him to whip around, clasping his hands behind his back to hide their wooden appearance as he stammered and stalled. “Oh! No, I, uhh…” His struggle to find the right words seemed to lose importance as he took in the visage of the woman on the trail, and something inside of him got all twisted up. It took a few beats for him to be able to place the sudden rush of emotion, not knowing who she was or why he should suddenly feel… fear? But then it came to him, and all at once, that fear was intermingling with anger. “You,” he grumbled, standing up from his crouch and taking a step toward her. He’d seen what she had done in the forest… and the only reason she still stood was because he had also witnessed her pitiful attempt at making amends. It was enough to stay his hand, but the bitter tang of resentment never left his tongue. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself, burning the woods like you did.” His typically soft voice was harsher now, still low in volume, but it carried a distinct edge. “I’m still trying to repair the landscape. What’s your problem?”

As the man stammered for a moment, Luce rested her hands on her hips, waiting for him to finish his sentence. It was a bit too dark for her to get a good look at him, but she could tell he wasn’t some lost hiker. For one, no one came hiking around here, not at this time of night. For another, if he wasn’t dressed like one. No backpack, no water bottles, nothing like that. But, then he rose and took a step towards her. Instinctively, Luce’s hands curled at her side, the flames that danced in her blood ready to be called at a moment’s notice. “What the fuck is your problem?” She shot back, startled. Burning the woods? For one thing, how did he know about that? For another, which time was he talking about? One of the many rainy nights when she’d hiked out into the middle of nowhere, to practice her flames? Or when she and Anita had run from the shitty moose creature and she’d lit the brush aflame to escape? Or was it the time she’d razed the ground around her and Adam in the wake of Bea’s death? “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Luce lied smoothly.

“Ooohhh, yes you do,” Solomon snapped, his dark eyes narrowing. “I saw you… fleeing the scene, leaving the poor forest in such a state…” It made his heart ache as he recalled the pain he’d felt that night, the sorrow that rose from the ground as it mixed with ash and embers. He was so in tune with the familiar landscape, so very much a part of it, that any damage it suffered bled over to him. It’s why most things never escaped his knowledge, and why he’d had to bloody his hands over the centuries, stopping men from cutting deeper and spreading further. What he couldn’t mention was how his fear had held him back for the first time — seeing that the woman was controlling the fire and not merely setting it free had stopped him in his tracks. If he died, who knew what would happen to the woods? It was too risky, and the damage had been done, so he’d decided to let her go and tend to the charred earth. Letting out a shaky sigh, Solomon appeared to be trying to calm himself, eyes closing while he regained his composure. “But… I saw you trying to make amends, too, so… I suppose it’s a start.” Peering at her once again, the disguised Leshy lifted a finger to point it at her. “Got my eye on you, though…”

As the man glared daggers at her, Luce kept her gaze level. She didn’t give a shit who this guy thought he was, she’d make his night real fucking bad if he decided to try and pull something. But, when he started yelling at her about fleeing the scene, she blinked in confusion. Was he talking about when she’d blown up the Ring with Erin months ago? Or when she’d tried to blow up the shitty mime restaurant? Christ. She really needed to narrow down her arson attempts. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. And, even if I did, you’re gonna have to narrow it down.” She said with a shake of her head. The man seemed to be… restraining himself? Like he wanted to move against her? Which would be a bad idea on his part for sure. “What the fuck are you talking about? Are you some kind of stalker? Because you picked the wrong girl for that.”

Stalker? Oh. Solomon drew another weary breath, shaking his head as he pushed his anger aside. “The specifics don’t matter, what does matter is your lack of care when it comes to this place.” He gestured vaguely at the trees that surrounded them, letting his gaze slide away from her for the quickest of moments. “Look, I’m just… all I’m asking is for you to please stop burning it down with your fire… hands.” Whatever you’d call that, he wasn’t sure. He’d never really encountered anything like it before, and he didn’t exactly want to make a habit of it, either. “Lot of things live around here, you know, myself included… and we’re not exactly keen on having our home scorched on the regular.” Truth be told, it was something that half the damn town seemed to need to hear, given their track record. It was exhausting work, trying to keep up with every new threat.

“Uh, it sure fucking does if you’ve been following me around like some kind of creep.” Luce said as she continued to stare at the stranger. As he waved around at the forest and then mentioned her firehands, her eyes narrowed. Had he seen her use her magic before? No, he couldn’t have. For one thing, she covered her bases pretty fucking well. And even if he had, why the fuck was he only just now stopping her. “My fire hands? I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about, dude.” She said, shaking her head as though he was speaking nonsense. “I don’t know what you think I’ve done or what you think you saw, but you’re mistaken.” She replied. She wasn’t sure what this guy’s deal was, but it was easier to deny this than to deal with the repercussions that came with someone finding out she was magically inclined.

“I’m not following you, I live here,” Solomon grumbled in return. “I see most things that happen, whether folks want me to or not.” Her continued rebuttals only made him growl in frustration, hands clenched into fists at his sides. “You make fire. I don’t know how, but you do it in a way that… normal people cannot. Your denial does not change this fact.” He considered for a moment that perhaps she was like him—inclined to keep that aspect of herself secret. “And personally, I’ve nothing to gain from knowing that, I would just like to formally ask you to please stop setting fire to my forest. Take your flames someplace else.” Exasperation radiated off of him, but his gaze was steady. A hundred and fifty years ago, he’d have just slain her on the spot. But… he was trying to be a little kinder about it in this case, especially since she’d come back later to plant seeds. The gesture warranted recognition. 

He lived here? In the fucking woods? Because that was any less creepy than the fact he’d watched her here. Luce bristled a little as he continued to speak. He’d seen her conjure the flames. How? She’d had run-ins with people before, but she’d always been careful to make sure there was nothing that could ever tie her to the blazes she started. People could look for the ignition point, search for the match or the lighter that didn’t exist because she was the spark. And yet, this fucker seemed to know exactly what she could do. “Let’s say I can do what you say I can do.” She said before gesturing around to them. “Where else would I do shit? If I could make fire, I’m not exactly going to just light up the Common.” She said, though the corner of her mouth turned at the idea. That would be funny, if only for the irritation it would no doubt cause her mother. 

Solomon was, by every account, a very calm and level headed creature. That being said, there was one thing he had almost no patience for, and that was the petulance of a young firestarter.  His entire existence revolved around a singular purpose, and he could only bargain for so long with people like her. His anger flared at her casual, careless remark, dark eyes widening slightly in disbelief. “Anywhere else, girl. Have some respect for the natural world — you’d be dead without it.” He’d taken another step toward her by this point, and something in his body language had changed. He moved less like a man, and more like… well, it was hard to say in the dark of night. “Stop killing things and find a way to be useful with your talents, won’t you? You came back to plant seeds, so I know you must feel some amount of remorse. Hold on to that, remember that, and do not light another blaze in these woods ever again. Do you understand me?” He was being rather generous, he thought, but if she pushed him further still, he couldn’t see himself keeping his composure.

At the sound of the word “girl,” Luce’s eyes narrowed. Who the fuck did this guy think he was? Folding her arms across her chest, she felt the heat of her body begin to grow and rise with her increasing anger. “Respect for the natural world? You think I don’t have respect for it?” She said with a growl. “Fire is just as natural as anything else here. What happens to a forest that’s overgrown with brush and shrubs? What happens to the trees when they get overcrowded and parasites begin to take over? Overgrowth saps the life right out of the soil just as much as my fire does.” She said before shoving her hand into the soil beneath their feet. Pulling up a handful of loamy soil, she let it sprinkle from her fingers back on the ground. “Ash feeds the forest, makes space for new things to grow. I planted those seeds because it was what should have happened. Death. Rebirth. Life. And death again.” She spat.

“Fire may be natural, but you are not,” Solomon snapped in return. “Forest fires at the hands of humans are anything but natural.” His relationship with humans had been… a bit tumultuous, over the years. While he found them to be an interesting sort, it was true that they had, time and time again, shown him that they cared not for the earth that had so lovingly lifted them from their evolutionary cradle and taught them how to walk. “It is not for you to decide when that cycle will happen, purely because you have no place else to play with your magic. Insolent… insolent, the lot of you!” His voice had raised in volume and boomed unnaturally around them, anger rushing to the forefront as he relived the countless times he’d seen the land ravaged by humans. All across the continent, as he moved from home to home, he’d encountered ones like her. Or at least, the picture of her that was piecing together in his mind’s eye. He’d slaughtered a whole village for poisoning the nearby river, and while that level of unhinged rage was rare for him, it was far from impossible. His glamour flickered, his focus waning as he became more irate with the woman standing before him. “Humans have been nothing but a blight on this world—you’re parasites, feeding off the land while you expand your rotten towns and cities, razing whole forests to the ground without care! That is not the life of someone who has respect for it.”

Unnatural. Yes, because she was unnatural. Who was he to say these things anyways? Obviously not human, but what was he? “You think I play with magic?” Luce said, temper flaring once more. Magic wasn’t a game, it wasn’t some toy to be played with, something casual to be used and forgotten. “Oh, you couldn’t be more wrong about that.” Magic lived in her, it breathed in her, it was a grounding tether of power that challenged her and demanded her to rise to that challenge. His voice rang through the woods, but Luce held her ground. This man-- no, not exactly man, obviously not. Whatever he was, he yelled at her and she resisted the urge to let her flames ignite. It would be so easy, so, so easy to let the blue flames lick the ground and spread. But. It would only be proving him right. Watching him, Luce caught the shimmer to his appearance, saw it shudder and caught a glimpse of what looked like… mushrooms? She couldn’t be sure, because the image disappeared almost as soon as she saw it. “If I’m a parasite, then what does that make you? If I’m so beneath you, what are you?” She asked, goading him on. What did he think he was, some kind of god?

Upset as he’d become, it didn’t matter to Solomon whether or not he’d accurately judged her entire character; he’d seen what he’d seen, and she seemed to think that setting his wood ablaze was a perfectly acceptable way to kill time, so he had no further words for her. His gaze was fixed steadily on her, eyes narrowed into slits as he stared her down furiously. It wasn’t until she called him out, questioning the authenticity of his appearance, that he faltered. Well, it wasn’t so much that she’d seen something—that was happening increasingly often, as of late—but it was her question that had him tripping over his own tongue. “I don’t—that doesn’t matter,” he growled. He didn’t rightly know, since he’d been forced to live alone as little more than a sapling and had never met another of his kind. “We’re not talking about me, we’re talking about you…. and how you really ought to find a better hobby.”

Quirking her eyebrow, Luce heard the misstep in his voice, the falter in his words. “It doesn’t matter?” She repeated, incredulity mixing with venom in her voice. “Oh, so you can dish it but you can’t take it? You can go around, accusing me of being unnatural, calling me out for ‘playing with magic’ but when it gets turned back around, suddenly it doesn’t matter?” She said, nodding. “Well, now, we’re talking about you. Who made you holier than thou? Who crowned you king of the forest? You don’t know anything about what I am, who I am, or what I’m capable of. Because, if you think that me coming out into the forest and setting fire in the middle of thunderstorms is a hobby, you don’t know me as well as you think. Fucking creepy forest stalker or not, you don’t know me.” She shot back. 

Frustration was coming off Solomon in waves, brought to life by both his anger with the individual yelling at him, and his own personal battle of not knowing who—or what—he truly was. He always told himself it didn’t matter, but in situations like these, it certainly seemed to. She was right, he didn’t know anything about her, and he’d never allowed himself the patience to try and change that before judging someone. Perhaps… perhaps he ought to give it a try. New millennium, new Solomon, and all that. Waiting until she was done, his gaze averted for the first time since their heated exchange had begun, Solomon interjected with a wavering voice. “If I had a word for it, I’d tell you,” he muttered, the defeat in his tone barely masked by indignation. “All I do know is that I’ve been alive for almost a thousand years, and I’ve always felt compelled to protect my home and my innocent neighbors from people like you.” On the last, accusatory word, Solomon flicked his dark eyes back toward the woman, brow furrowed. “So tell me… why shouldn’t I see you as a threat to the forest? Why should I give you a pass, when I’ve cut others down for smaller offenses?”

“Sounds to me like you should figure your shit out before you go around throwing words like “unnatural” around.” Luce fired back, not giving up any ground in this verbal sparring match. She really didn’t give a fuck who-- or what-- this guy was. She was tired of being used as someone else’s punching bag. She was tired of being the who had to make amends, who had to apologize, who was wrong. “A thousand years? Well, it seems you’re hardly a judge of character if you’ve been around this fucking long and can’t tell the difference between a pyromaniac and someone who gives a shit about this place. Because, this is probably really fucking surprising to you, but I do. I actually do give a shit about this town and this forest and the people who live here. I know these woods, I know the forest, I know the animals who call it home. Maybe not the way you do, but I know them.” She held up her hands, an innocent gesture. “I owned my shit. You saw me plant those seeds, you said it yourself. I destroyed that part of the forest the night that--” She caught herself. This person, creature, whatever. He didn’t need to know why she’d burnt the forest down. Why it had been grief and fear and sorrow that had turned her flames blue, that kept her flames blue.  “It happened. And that wasn’t right. So, I went back to make it better as well as I could.”

She was a persistent one, and Solomon could feel that it was wearing him down. This conversation was exhausting, and not doing much more than running in circles, so he caved. Deflating, the fae brought a hand to his forehead and let himself slump against the tree behind him. “Fine. Fine,” he muttered in annoyance, shaking his head. “While I can’t imagine that something would ever drive me to hurt this place like you did, I suppose I’ll have to just accept that fact and deal with it. Just… try to refrain from doing it again in the future, alright? It really does take a lot out of me, trying to fix messes like that.” Heaving a sigh, Solomon waved his free hand in the direction she’d been running when they first encountered one another without looking up at her. “Get out of here, go finish your run. You’ve given me a headache.”

“Yeah, you can’t. And, honestly? I hope you never do.” Luce said, remembering the grief that had overwhelmed her that night, when she’d thrown herself into the forest and done her best to run away from the reality of her situation. She’d started running that day and she’d never really stopped, not even now, when it was over. But, it wasn’t over, was it? Shaking her head, Luce focused her attention on the man who was waving her away. While she was glad that this guy was at least giving up with the whole “protector of the forest” act, she wasn’t a fan of the fact that he was telling her what she should do. Hands still up in the air, she flipped him off, the triangle tattoos on her knuckles a nice added touch of irony. “I’m not in the business of making promises to people. I do what I want. But,” She lowered her hands, and offered a single nod, “noted.” With that, Luce turned and continued on her run, not caring what he thought of their encounter. As far as she was concerned, all this meant was she’d discovered a new self-righteous neighbor.

[giranswife]

Lucky One

Summary: Shiroe can’t help but prove his love for his wife in the cutest, dorkiest of ways that leaves his wife breathless and slightly embarrassed. But overall, it’s the sweetest gesture that she’s ever received. Even if it was a little bit much.

W: self-insert x canon, fluff

(( Wrote this little fic based off of a convo with @self-shipping-angel and it was too cute not to write about. Just a little bit of inside jokes and a little meta stuff that I thought was appropriate and cute lol ))

There was something peaceful about an empty guildhall during the cool autumn days that Violet seemed to enjoy the most out of all of the days of the year. The way that it was calm and almost serene, with soft light peaking through the windows and the cool wind blowing through a few that were partially open. It was a beautiful day to spend outside in the sun, or inside with a good book which was what she had intended to do. The rest of the guild, however, was out enjoying the beautiful afternoon together.

She thought about accompanying them whenever Sayeko suggested going with her and Naotsugu to get some food, but Violet preferred the idea of getting some reading done by herself. The thought of having some food was tempting, though, fleeting through the kitchen first to grab a quick snack before trotting into the main hall to get comfortable. Which was pretty easy to do since there were lots of spots available, and she was able to stretch out to the fullest with a thin blanket over her legs.

Once she was comfortable with her book resting on her legs, she relaxed in the cushions of the couch and let out a deep sigh. It felt amazing to have this moment to herself, cracking open a book that Shiroe had recommended for her a few months back that she was finally getting around to. There was even a cute little note inside that she kept, smiling at as she turned the page, letting her know that he was thinking of her with this one.

She really loved the little tradition that they had started for each other of passing books back and forth, talking about them once they had finished. Sharing their mutual love of literature and finding that they had a lot more in common than they initially thought with their tastes. It was also just a fun pastime that they could enjoy, that was a hobby they both enjoyed, and that Shiroe almost rarely gets to enjoy that isn’t work related most days.

With a small giggle, she turned the next few pages and began reading silently to herself. The cool air made it easy for her to ease into the position, finding the right amount of light to have a perfect inbetween for her to read. It was absolute paradise, and she was happy in her element. It had been a long time since she’s been able to really sit down for a long time and enjoy a book like this. That isn’t to say that she’s never been able to read anything at all since she’s been here, but a lot of the time she’s not able to focus much. Whether that be because of being busy, having a lot of members around to distract her, or just finding it hard for her brain to relax enough for it.

Today, though, she was determined to change that and it was seeming to work out a lot better than she had planned.

Time seemed to pass by rather slowly, wrapped up in the book so much that she started to forget exactly how long she had been there for. She turned page after page, staying in that same position unmoving for what seemed like hours. The entire time was spent uninterrupted as she cuddled further underneath the blanket, reaching out only to turn pages and only barely moved otherwise.

She didn’t even notice the few bodies that walked by, a few of the kids coming in and back out having to return for only a moment. A few of them had shouted to her, knowing that she was probably too distracted to hear. It had finally been the focus that she had been wanting, though maybe a little bit more than she had intended. Either way, she was enjoying the book and its contents, absorbed into it with a good chunk of it already read.

A few more minutes past, and another person made it into the room without her being aware. Instead of passing by like the others had, they lingered a bit and watched her for what seemed like only a few minutes. She still wasn’t distrubed, turning a page and yawning a bit into her hand. There was a soft pat from her tail that thumped back down onto the couch as a reaction, cutely curling against her only slightly exposed from underneath the blanket.

The one watching her chuckled a bit, noticing that she probably hadn’t seen him and was too distracted to notice. Shiroe smiled as he watched her curled in a comfortable place, cutely twirling at the ends of her hair while she read silently. There was always something so beautiful about the way that Violet’s eyes shined with interest as she read that he always enjoyed. He could watch her for hours just like this if she’d let him.

As she read, he took the two cups of tea that he had in his hands for each of them and set them down on the table in front. There was still steam rising from both cups, one only partially drank from in his personal cup. With a soft tap to her legs, he gently whispered down to her as his lips curled into a deeper smile. She looked taken aback at first, but was very happy to see him out and about. There was a broad smile that he found the most beautiful on her pink colored lips.

He leaned down to give her a quick kiss on the cheek, before sitting down beside her now that she had moved her legs to allow him room. It wasn’t the least bit disappointing for her, knowing that this meant she would get to spend time with him. Something that was a bit more harder to come by now that he’s been busy most afternoon’s. Any time with him that she can get is one that she will take advantage of, knowing that it’s the best moments of her life.

“Hey baby,” She said with her book still open on her lap, “What brings you out here already?”

There was a hint of a giggle under her breath that he caught only the tail end of, keeping a gentle eye on her.

“I had a little bit of time to spare… wanted to see how your reading was going. You look really comfortable over here, and I figured I’d bring you some tea.”

“Awh… you’re too sweet, love! Thank you!”

She leaned forward, taking a break from her reading to take a sip of the warm tea he had provided for her. It was very delicious, much like every time that he makes tea for them. There was always a sense of warmth and safety that she felt when enjoying a cup of tea with him. With each sip she felt the warmth spread throughout her throat and chest, still holding the book close to her but continuing her conversation with him first.

Shiroe had a gentle hand against her lower back, rubbing gently with such care and gentleness in his eyes. “You’re welcome, Sweetheart,” He said and motioned to the book in her hand, “You seem to be enjoying the book that I gave you, huh?” There was a sweetness to his words that worked well with the smile that never seemed to leave him. He was both happy to see her enjoying the book, but then equally happy to see his beautiful wife.

“I am! It’s really really interesting, and you were right. I really am liking it way more than I thought that I would.”

“That’s good, I’m glad to hear that. Sometimes it pays to get a little out of your comfort zone from time to time,” He responded, watching her lips curl into a smirk.

“I’m sure you’d know a lot about that, huh, love.”

She giggled, seeing his eyebrow furrow as she leaned up and placed a gentle kiss against his lips.

There was a soft hint of redness to his cheeks, cutely burning brighter the closer that she got. It was always a sight to see even now after they were already married, always enjoying how easily embarrassed he was. It was one of the things that she loved the most about him, and she definitely liked to use it to her advantage sometimes.

He stammered a little bit as a reaction, unable to speak in a cute familiar way that she liked. With one last nuzzle with her nose against his cheek, she leaned back in her spot and placed her legs across his lap. There was a familiar silence between them, enjoying their tea together and basking in the comfortability of the moment together. Just existing as two people in their own respective spaces, yet together all the same.

“So,” She spoke up softly, “How’s your work going, baby?”

“It’s going okay… I think that Marielle took advantage of my help to take the load off of her for a bit this week.”

She giggled, watching him sigh and lean against the couch with his eyes tiredly still following hers.

“That’s not really all that surprising,” She mumbled as he nodded, “I’m sorry my sister is… well she’s lazy. Just like me.”

There was a louder giggle that escaped that caused the man to smile wider, unable to stop staring at her. His eyes had been locked since the moment that he entered the room, knowing that there was nothing else that he would rather look at. Violet was easily the most beautiful and adorable person in the room, and in any room for that matter. Didn’t matter where they were, because in his eyes she could outshine anything. Ever since the moment that they met, he knew that she was special.

“She’s way lazier than you are, actually.”

“Bullshit! I literally sat there and slept all day yesterday when it was my day for chores.”

“Not all day… like… pretty sure you slept until I came to get you a little bit late into the afternoon, but you got everything done. Marielle will do anything she can to avoid it.”

“I mean… you’re right. She’s more hide so she doesn’t have to do it, while I just forget and sleep and have to have someone come get me to keep me on track.”

Shiroe laughed, keeping his hand resting on her leg as it bounced a little when she spoke.

Violet leaned over to set the book down on the table, unable to focus now that he was sitting beside her. But she wasn’t upset by this at all, in fact, she was really happy that it was him who had interrupted her. Shiroe was the one person she was looking forward to seeing today, and she was definitely going to soak in that excitement for as long as she could.

The small little tilt of her head as she laughed back, watching him slowly with her eyes absorbing his features now. Taking in his handsome face, finding all the more reason to fall deeper in love with him with just one continuous glance. It was impossible not to be floored by how absolutely lucky she was that he was hers. Such a wonderful, handsome, and adorable man that she was lucky to be so madly in love with.

“How in the hell do you deal with me and my crazy family?” She asked with a small giggle.

Shiroe, with his hands reaching up to brush her hair away from her face, could barely hear anything after the giggle cut through his ears. All he could think about in that moment was how much he loved every single thing about her. The softness of her skin that was almost glowing in the light, and the sparkle in her blue eyes that seemed to shine brighter every time that she smiled. Beautiful and strong, just like he knew that she was.

“I love you and your crazy family… I can tell how much you two care about each other. And you’re so freaking alike that it’s crazy.”

She giggled, feeling him brush his knuckles against the side of her face as his hand fell.

“But I’m just lucky to know you more than anything.”

Violet blushed brightly, reaching for his hand and taking it in her own. It felt warm and slightly rough, but still somewhat soft as she squeezed gently.

“I’m luckier, though,” She responded with her smile brighter than it’s been prior.

Shiroe shook his head, whispering a quick reply and watching her continue to deny it as he did so.

“I’m sorry, but it’s true. There is no way in hell that I am not the luckiest of the two. I mean, fucking look at you-” She grabbed a hold of the side of his face, grinning widely as her nose nuzzled against his, “My handsome baby.”

The man’s cheeks were a brighter red now, but he was determined to fight her on it. Even through the embarrassment of her actions, there was still a little bit of pull as he continued. Grasping her hands, he tried to pull her just a little bit in a gentle way.

“That’s sweet, baby, but I can say with confidence that I’m the luckiest man in the world just to have you as my wife. And I’m willing to prove it to you.”

“Oh? You’re gonna prove it to me, huh?”

She giggled, looking at him curiously.

Shiroe nodded, giving her a small squeeze of her hand before he pushed himself up off the couch. With a lift of her brows, she curiously watched him rush off rather quickly into the other room, leaving her behind to wonder where the hell he was going. It was the better part of a few minutes that she sat there in waiting, her eyes staying near where he had left and taking slow sips of her tea.

After that silence, she finally saw him reappear pulling back what seemed to be a rather large whiteboard that she didn’t think she'd seen before. Then again, this man always seems to have new things lying around the guildhall for whatever it is he’s planning next. Her brows furrowed in confusion, watching him set everything up, including a couple of things behind her that she followed the entire time. It was quite the show, leaving her giggling just a bit and trying to get his attention, though it failed.

Tilting her head a bit, she watched him finish and adjust the sleeves of his shirt, finally catching her attention once again. There was a cute smile on his face, and she was honestly entertained by the image alone. It was hard for her not to laugh at the display that he was really confident about it seemed, and she was also confused as hell where he got all this shit from.

“Uh… baby… what are you doing?” She asked.

“I said I was going to prove it to you. And as it happens, I have this little slideshow to show you all the reasons why I am as lucky as I am.”

Violet’s eyes widened, and she watched him turn on the projector that was behind her and above. It was a little confusing considering she had now idea they even had one here, but then again she really shouldn’t have been. Everyone seems to have random things pop up from time to time, and right now this wasn’t the weirdest thing that she’s seen. Though, it definitely was the weirdest thing she’s seen from her husband.

The cutest part of all of this having to have been the fact that this man, the same shy man that she had met a long time prior to this, is the one with this display. The way that he’s come so far was the sweetest part of it all.

“O...Okay, sure. Lay it on me, I guess,” She said with a giggle rippling through her chest.

“Don’t worry. You can try and contest anything that I say after we’re done. But I promise, it’s gonna be too foolproof.”

With a small and playful wink in her direction, he turned back towards the slideshow he had prepared to start it off. Violet was still giggling softly, leaning forward in her seat knowing that she didn’t want to miss this. It was entertaining, and she was losing her mind at the thought of how long he had this under wraps. This man seemed to be way more excited than she expected, though it was the cutest thing that she had ever seen.

She watched him burn through the slides, impressed by how thorough that he was. Lots of bullet points and even photos that she partially wondered how he even had access to those in the first place. A lot of this slowly started to unravel on that end, but she tried not to think too much about it and just enjoy the moment that she was witnessing. This was probably the most animated she’d ever seen the man (the most animated that Shiroe could be) and it was a joy to witness.

The examples that he had were making her redder and redder, of course. Just the mention of how beautiful that he thought she was, going into great detail about every part of her that he found the most gorgeous. Each example leaving her more and more flustered, unable to stop giggling through it all. The way that he just couldn’t stop talking about her, which shouldn’t be surprising considering how close they were, but she just couldn’t wrap her head around it. The way that he just had so much to say about her?

It didn’t seem to make a lot of sense, but he was good at convincing with that cuteness.

The clock ticked by over an hour after he was finally nearing the end, concluding the presentation that he had about her with even more detail. A lot of it being mentions of how happy and excited he was to be married to her, giving a list of reasons why they were perfect together. Everything that had her tearing up a little bit, seeing an image of their wedding day that was absolutely breathtaking. The happiness that radiated from it was one that she remembered almost like it was yesterday.

“And that about sums it all up,” He mumbled, “Got any questions, concerns for me?”

Violet giggled, glancing up at him and seeing the smile along with the raised brows.

She could tell that not only did he actually mean that, but he went through so much trouble to put this all together. Partially to probably get a laugh out of her, but also to show that he was willing to do this to prove to her how much he loved her. How happy and lucky that he felt to be with her, knowing that it was going to be a gesture to make her fall harder than ever. If that was even possible to do.

Without a second thought, she pushed off the couch and tossed the blanket off to the side, setting her now empty tea cup on the table. Shiroe half expected to get a playful punch for his display, chuckling a little bit as she approached with that smile on her face. Though, what he didn’t expect was for her to lean up, taking his face into her hands and pressing the soft palms against either side of his cheeks.

“You are… the sweetest and cutest thing that I have ever seen in my life,” She said, pulling him in for a deep kiss.

The man’s eyes widened just a bit with surprise, but slowly melted into her touch all the same. With his arms wrapping around her middle, he closed his eyes and kissed her back with the same softness returned. Immediately being hit with the warmth of her embrace, along with the lovely lavender scent that hit his senses. Overwhelming him and reminding him of just one of the many points that he had made for the day.

Violet continued to hold him tight, pressing kiss after kiss against his soft lips and benign unable to pull away. All that she wanted to do was to hold him there, never wanting to let him go for anything.

That display was truly the sweetest thing that she had ever seen, and he deserved all of the attention in the world right now. Even though she might not have any retort to that, it definitely wouldn’t be the last time that she would fight him against this small, simple fact. Because believe it or not, this gesture alone proves to her that she is indeed the lucky one.

[notveryglittery]

@sleepless-in-starbucks: Me: Damn I wish I had an excuse to write creativisleepality :/ Me: Sees your post Me: Forget excuse I have an OBLIGATION to write qpr creativisleepality with insecure!Roman because like. I’m a predictable shit. Also just a heads up my wifi’s been crap all evening so like. If this arrives late. Blame my damn connection for being sunshine-phobic

(Warnings for aphobia, insecurity, all that fun stuff. happy ending tho because y'all know me)

dani: Y’ALL I’M GONNA NEED YOU TO PAUSE WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING AND READ THIS RIGHT NOW. lia is a blessing, an absolute delight and joy and i love her with my whole entire heart!!!! this made me very happy and relieved and yeah it’s just really really good 

Roman was finding the urge to slam his head into the wall a very difficult one to resist. It had been what felt like the longest day of his life, brimming with an overly critical director, some sneering possible cast members who had mocked his make-up, and particular idiot who Roman had thought was going to be the one spot of light in his day until… that happened.

Roman gave up and let his head hit the wall once, leaving it to lay there when the thought of Patton seeing him like this managed to stop him from continuing the process until the wall had a good hole in it. Remy would probably be upset, too, of course, but Patton would most likely cry, and Roman would sooner fall into an ocean of fire than hurt either of his loves.

“I mean… can you even call them loves?”

Roman curled one of his hands into a fist at the fragment of a memory. He could, damnit, screw Anton and his stupid face and his stupid words and his stupid, stupid reasoning…

“…Babe?”

Roman jerked out of his thoughts, realizing that Remy had come up to him, his Starbucks-barista-turned-partner frowning at him in worry.

“Yes, my darling?” Roman asked, pushing himself off the wall, trying to maintain his image.

“Are you alright?” Remy said, a perfectly reasonable question given Roman had been lying against the wall for five minutes, seemingly completely unaware of Remy’s presence next to him for a good minute of that time.

Roman plastered on a smile, hoping it looked even semi-convincing. “Of course! Why ever would you even have to ask?”

Remy reached forward, still frowning as he pushed Roman’s bangs behind his ear. Roman instinctively leaned into the touch, trying to not look pitiful while he did so.

“Honey,” Remy said, softly, and Roman really must be failing at this whole acting thing if Remy’s sounding that worried, “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Roman assured. “I’m fine.”

Remy didn’t respond for a moment, continuing to frown at Roman until he wanted to squirm away. Finally, after what felt like an eternity to Roman, Remy moved forward, his free arm wrapping around Roman’s waist, the hand he had on Roman’s cheek slipping behind his head and tangling itself in Roman’s hair. Roman froze for a second, the surprise hug startling him, especially from Remy. He was generally pulled into hugs and cuddle piles by excessive grabby hands and whined complainants from Roman and Patton.

Recovering from the surprise, Roman couldn’t be bothered to resist the embrace, wrapping his arms around Remy’s waist as he slumped into Remy, burying his head in the crook of Remy’s neck. He took a deep breath. Remy smelled like coffee beans and warm leather and sage and comfort and home.

Remy scratched the back of Roman’s head comfortingly. “Tired?”

“Mmmhmm.”

“Long day?”

“Mmmmm.”

“Long day that did not go fine despite all your lies?”

Roman started to hum in agreement again before he realized his mistake, immediately trying to pull away from what he now recognized as a trap hug. Remy’s grip only tightened, however, still too comforting for Roman to truly want to fight it.

“You’re really out of it if you fell for that, sugar.” Remy cooed before yelling over his shoulder, “Patton! Roman had a sucky day and he tried to lie about it!”

Roman didn’t know if he closed his eyes for a moment and missed him, or if his marshmallow boyfriend had simply forgotten to mention that he had teleportation abilities, but one minute Patton wasn’t there and the next he was pressed against Roman’s back, hugging Roman tightly enough he was surprised Remy still had a hold on him, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck.

“Baby, we talked about this.” Patton scolded, though his tone was so light Roman was fairly certain he was saying it more because he felt he had to say it than anything.

“I know, I know.” Roman said. “But it’s really nothing, the halves of my heart. Just something stupid someone said-”

“If it’s upsetting you, it’s not nothing.” Patton interrupted him, softly speaking, moving one hand to Roman’s hip so that he could rub circles into the skin. “What did they say?”

Roman opened his mouth to respond, to pass it off as simply as he could, to prove to them it was just some pointless comment he should have disregarded immediately anyways, and heard a sob come out instead, which was doing WONDERS for his image of ‘still wonderfully put together.’ The hand in his hair stilled in surprise, and Patton made a sound of hurt. Their worry only made Roman feel worse, and he couldn’t stop himself before the next words were spilling out, “I’m sorry I don’t love you enough.”

More sounds of pain, this time not just from behind him, but Roman ignored them, pressing his head further into Remy’s shoulder as if that would block out the entire world. He felt more than truly knew they were moving, though he didn’t focus on where or how. At some point his legs got tucked up so that they were resting on something, the warmth around him shifted but never enough so that it was truly gone, somehow ending up so that almost nothing had changed aside from the fact that the amount of effort he had to put into existing was substantially lessened.

That made it a lot easier to cry, hating that he was staining Remy’s shirt but knowing he couldn’t stop even if he tried. The warmth of his boyfriends’ around him didn’t seem to mind, hands gently running across his skin, a mix of soft pet names and quiet shushing sounding around him. Eventually his tears stopped falling, his sobs turning into hiccups that turned into nothing, until all he was doing was holding onto Remy and trying to sink into him and escape the world.

“Sweetie? Sweetheart?” Roman hummed in response to the names that were clearly being directed at him, still refusing to remove his head from the dark, warm safety of his boyfriend’s shoulder.  There was a sigh that sounded caught between amused and concerned. “Please, love, we need to talk.”

Roman groaned and tilted his head, still resting on Remy as he looked over at Patton. They were all cuddled together on the couch, Roman securely held in Remy’s lap and against his chest while Patton remained wrapped around his back, better positioned to look at Roman, his sweet honey eyes laced with worry. Knowing he was the cause of it, Roman almost started crying again, not sure how he could vanquish it but knowing he would do anything to replace it with happiness.

“Hey, shh, it’s alright, you’re not in trouble.” Patton said immediately, cupping Roman’s cheek with one hand, brushing away the beginnings of new tears. “I just- We just want to know- Ro, starlight, why don’t you think you love us enough?”

Roman would have shoved his head back into the crook of Remy’s neck if Patton’s gentle but firm grasp wasn’t stopping him, forcing him to hold eye contact with his partner, half of his entire life, one of two people he’d willingly die for in a heartbeat as he said, as unashamedly as he could, “We’re just partners.” Patton’s brow furrowed even more, and Remy once more tightened his grip around Roman, and it took all his willpower to choke out, “We’re just partners, and not dating, and that’s it, that’s all we are, and you’re both just so wonderful you deserve more, and it’s not fair to you that you’re stuck with me and that, and-”

“Roman, please, please baby, stop!” Patton said, distressed, and Roman shut up. Patton was cupping both his cheeks now, running his thumbs over them repeatedly, as if he wasn’t just trying to comfort Roman but himself as well.

“I’m going to kill 'em. You said someone said this to you?” Remy asked, aggressively, nearly growling when Roman nodded. “Bullshit. It’s bullshit.”

“Language.” Patton said automatically, snapping Remy out of his mood.

Remy sighed, going back to running his fingers through Roman’s hair. “They’re wrong, sweetheart, completely wrong.” He reassured Roman, voice much softer now. “You love us more than enough, whatever they said was just stupid.”

“I- I know you say that, but-” Roman paused, searching for the words. “Kisses, and holding hands in public, and all of that… I can’t- I don’t offer you any of those things, and you deserve them so much, and that’s not fair to either of you.”

Remy chuckled, and the sound echoed through Roman’s chest. “Gurl, I feel like you’re forgetting I’m aro too. I don’t care about any of those things- I just care about you.”

“And we love you.” Patton added. “We love you because you’re an amazing cuddler and you love to sweep us off our feet and you have the most beautiful singing voice in the entire world and because we know you love us so, so much, and the fact that you don’t love us romantically isn’t even close to important.”

“And you love us too, right?” Remy asked.

Roman almost tripped over his words rushing to answer, unwilling to leave a single second empty without his promise, “Of course I do! I just-”

“Than that’s enough.” Remy cut him off, and it was so simple yet so adoring, coupled with the look Patton was giving Roman, like he’d hang the moon for him while Remy pinned up the stars, that every word that jerk had said melted away in an instant, like a million pounds right off his shoulders, leaving him so free and alive that Roman couldn’t help but lunge forwards a bit, twisting himself so that he could wrap his arms around Patton, pulling him backwards so they more or less landed on Remy, all pressed against each other and warm and real and solid beneath his fingers.

“I’m sorry.” He said, and continued on swiftly, before Patton or Remy even had a chance to speak, “I’m so sorry I listened to that bastard. He was an idiot, you’re so right. I’m so sorry. I love you, I love you so much, you mean more to me than any part in any play, than any gem or jewel, my dearhearts, my treasures, my loves.”

Patton giggled, and Roman couldn’t help the smile that suddenly blossomed on his face as Patton pressed a quick kiss to his forehead before just resting his own on Roman’s, whispering happily, “It’s alright, my prince, we know.”

“We know, but I still want to hear it more.” Remy protested, and Roman laughed as he turned his head back towards him, Remy’s dark eyes alive with amusement and glittering with love purer than freshly fallen snow.

“I love you.” Roman obliged him, hugging Patton closer to him even as he still watched Remy, “I love you more than summer sunsets and spring dew and winter frost and autumn colours. I love you more than sugar cookies and hot chocolate and crackling fires and-”

“-and more than the smell of coffee and crisp apples and fuzzy socks and soft pajamas and late night movie marathons and early morning grumbles and a thousand other musings.” Remy took over for him, smiling both smugly and softly as he brushed through Roman’s hair. “I love you all that and a million times more.”

“Cheater.” Roman accused heatlessly. “That’s my move.”

“It’s what you get for loving a dirty thief.”

“Pretty thief.” Patton corrected with his own smile, blindly reaching a hand back that Remy took immediately. “Pretty thief of our hearts.”

“Only after you got mine, cocoa bean.” Remy matched, lazily intertwining his fingers with Patton’s.

Roman reached a hand over as well, grasping around theirs. “You never stole my heart.” He said teasingly. “Considering you are my heart.”

“Your two perfect halves- yes, we are aware.” Remy said exasperatedly, but there was a fondness in his tone Roman knew he couldn’t shake. “You’ve got to come up with some better lines, doll.”

“Says Mr. Twenty-One-Nicknames.” Roman replied.

“You know you love them.”

“Do I know that?” Roman asked, laughing as Remy gasped in faux hurt. Patton laughed, too, shaking their held hands.

“You two are impossible.” He said, cheerily despite the chiding words. “I’m never going to get dinner made at this rate.”

“You’re welcome to go make it now.” Remy invited, though they all knew he wasn’t serious.

That didn’t stop Roman from tangling his legs up in Patton’s, whining, “Noooooooo, you have to stayyyyy.”

“But dinner… if I don’t go make it now I’ll never make it…” Patton trailed off, sounding more interested in staying.

“Then don’t go.” Roman offered, pushing his head up enough to nestle it against Patton’s shoulder, trying to sweeten the pot. “Stay and cuddle me.”

“And why should I prioritize that over dinner?”

“Because I’m still a little sad and I don’t want to let you go.” Roman said, blinking his eyes as sadly as he could for extra effect.

“Plus cuddling tops, like, all things.” Remy pointed out. “And I the remote’s in reach, and I think the Little Mermaid’s still in the player-”

“Cuddling on the couch it is!” Patton decided suddenly, finally releasing his boyfriends’ hands so that he could turn over and burrow into Roman’s chest, loosely hugging Roman as he settled in. Remy laughed as he snagged the remote, flicking on the tv and the corresponding underwater scene.

“And all it took was Disney.” Remy commented in amusement, dropping the remote as he shifted and wrapped his arms around both Roman and Patton. “We are going to get hungry eventually, though.”

“That’s a problem for later.” Patton said, and Roman was quick to agree with him, his arms still holding Patton against him even as he moved his hands to lay over Remy’s. Squished between his boyfriends now, tropical tunes starting up in the background, he couldn’t believe he had given Anton’s words a single moment of his time.

He didn’t need romance to love Patton and Remy- all he needed were eyes and half a brain. 

Roman sighed, feeling more content then he ever had before. “I love you guys.” He said, softly, sweetly, simply.

“Love you too.” They both chorused at once, their care as tangible as their arms around him, and that was all Roman needed to know they loved him just as much as he loved them.

And that would always be enough.

(No editing we die like men- aka sorry if this is bad but like. I tried. Hope it makes you feel even a little bit better :) <3)

[batskulldrag]

Phoenix by Fallout Boy

chapter nine. no oc’s background dudes are either youtubers or characters from 2017′s dream daddy a dad dating simulator. abuse mention trigger warnings, there will be one warning in every chapter

Chapter Nine: Who We Are by Imagine Dragons. I know it’s not about fire, but it always made me think about the heroes around a bonfire singing. So, there.

Patton sat in the back seat with Virgil’s head on his lap. He had settled down for the most part.

“I’m sorry I had a meltdown in there.” Virgil said for what was now the sixth time.

“It’s ok.” Patton rubbed his back. “You had all that bottled up for a while.”

“But I still made a scene like a dumb crying baby.”

“Well, was the thrift store an ideal place for that? No. But, like I said you had that bottled up for a while.”

“I made an idiot out of myself. And I embarrassed you three.”

“I’m not embarrassed. Sometimes you just get hit in the right nerve and it all comes out. That’s why you shouldn’t repress things. If you do you can’t control when it breaks free.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“I understand. After Mom died, I fought off my feelings for a long time. Then I went to get groceries and ended up sobbing over a box of cornflakes. I just kinda fell to my knees in the middle of the aisle and cried my eyes out, holding a box of corn flakes.”

“That makes me shiver just to hear it.”

“Well, it’s hard to control when or how we feel things. Or when we feel things loudly.”

“Or when we break down like a dumb crying baby. Again, might I add.”

“Well, we can’t exactly press undo. So, we just have to move on.”

“I guess you want details.” Virgil pulled his hoodie over his face.

“Not if you don’t want to talk about it.” Patton kept rubbing his back. “But how do know what your dad was up to?”

“I snooped around his stuff while he wasn’t home. And I’m not as stupid as he thinks I am, so I knew what everything meant.”

“That might have been dangerous to do kiddo.”

“He didn’t catch me. Thank God. But yeah, that probably could have been how my entire being would die.”

“Do you think that’s why he started that fire?”

“That certainly seems like something you’d wanna burn.”

“Well, we’ll make an appointment so you can tell the police what you know.”

“They won’t believe me.”

“You don’t know that.”

“No, I guess not. I can’t prove anything though.”

“Let’s not worry about that right now.”

“Is it true? That I can stay?” Virgil looked up at him.

“Yes. We want you to stay with us and we’re going to do anything we can to make sure of that.”

“Why? I mean, that sounds awesome. But why? What do you care?”

“Well, first of all, you’re family. And to me at least that means something. Secondly, even if you weren’t, I’d still wanna help you. Because no one deserves to be treated the way my brother treated you.”

Virgil sat up and wiped his face with his sleeve.

“Do you wanna keep going or have you had enough fun for today?” Patton reached over and pet his head.

“We can keep going.” Virgil pushed his head into Patton’s hand like a kitten. “I’ve been trapped indoors for like two weeks now, and you guys have been isolated since I showed up.”

“Ok, we’ll tell the others when they come back out here” Patton scratched the kiddo’s head lightly.

“I am sorry about that scene I caused back there.”

“I don’t think anyone noticed.” Patton smiled.  

“Don’t lie to me.” Virgil sighed.

Logan and Roman came in with only the sound of the car doors closing. They both paused for a minute.

“Are you alright Virgil?” Logan was the first to break the silence.

“Yeah,” He looked at the floor. “I’m sorry about causing a scene.”

“I just told everyone that your leg started swelling up,” Roman said with a shrug. “Very painful experience.”

“Did they buy it?” Virgil winced.

Roman shrugged.

“I am sorry about making a scene.” Virgil wrapped his arms around himself.

“Well, hopefully this is the start of you being able to process everything.” Logan adjusted his glasses. “So, would you like to continue our excursion, or are you ready to go home?”

“I’m ok to keep going.” Virgil sighed. “I usually try to limit my public humiliation to once per day.”

“Sometimes you just need to have your dramatic breakdown and cause a scene.” Roman said calmly.

Virgil squinted skeptically at the back of Roman’s seat and sneered. Patton had to repress a laugh at this display of disgust.

“Virgil.” Logan broke the silence as they started driving. “Roman tells me that you’re quite the avid reader. Do you have any books that you prefer?”

“Uhh…” Virgil looked at Patton in confusion. “I like Henry James. His take on ghosts was always pretty cool.”

“He also had novel, at the time, ideals about woman’s place in society.”

“Yeah, that too.”

“Which ghost story is your favorite?” Patton perked up. Maybe if they kept him talking, he wouldn’t have another attack.

“Well, he has this one about a couple of older ladies who are kind of haunted by one of their dead relatives. But they really see him as a buddy more than a threat.”

“Aww. That’s sweet.”

#             #             #

               Logan and Roman caught on to Patton’s idea and both made an effort to keep Virgil talking. Talking about anything really, anything but Payton. Logan had the rules of chess reiterated to him and now knew every strategy that Virgil was aware of. Roman asked about every book he could think of and requested a synopsis of most titles. He had attended a year’s worth of book clubs in one hour. And Patton had brought up music, he learned about a lot of emo bands. He didn’t know that many emo bands existed.

               “And their guitarist is actually married to Gerard Way.” Virgil happily finished a monologue as he looked at socks. “They’re still together and everything.” He looked off to the side. “Glad to see that not everything of his breaks up.”

               “That’s nice.” Patton smiled. He had no clue what this kid was talking about, but he was so excited.        

  “I know you probably don’t care.” Virgil looked at the ground. “But I’m glad you were listening.”

Is this a naturally occurring hug moment?

Patton risked it and stepped in for a hug. Virgil saw him, shrugged and stepped into his arms.

“So, you’re just like this then?” Virgil was muffled by Patton’s shoulder.

“Yes, prepare to get so many hugs.”

“I can be ok with that.” He fell into his arms and almost went limp.

Oh, you poor anxious little touch starved baby.

“I really can’t wrap my head around the idea that you’re my dad’s brother.” Virgil laughed half-heartedly as he slid out of the hug.

“We don’t have to talk about him.” Patton said softly.

Virgil smiled at him in response. It was his usual tiny smile with his lips only parted about a centimeter. His stunning eyes, which normally looked aged beyond his years lit up slightly. All in all, Virgil looked pleasantly surprised. And it was adorable.

Patton beamed back at him.

“So, who’s your favorite band?” Patton went on, afraid of another opportunity for his baby to have an attack.

“You can’t just ask me to choose like that.” Virgil placed a hand on his heart and feigned hurt. “That’s like asking someone what their favorite dog is.”

“Oh.” Patton played along. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you that.”

“It’s ok.” Virgil tossed a package of black socks into their basket. “You didn’t know.”

“You know, you never did tell me what foods you like the best.”

“No, I guess not.” He looked at the floor. “I haven’t really had much of an appetite these last couple of months.”

“Well, we can work on that.” Patton grabbed his shoulder. “Did you like any of the casseroles that we’re drowning in?”

“That eggplant thing was pretty good. And I like a couple of the tuna ones.”

“Do you like pasta?” Patton pointed at him.

“Of course.”

“How about desserts? Everyone likes desserts.”

“You’re gonna get mad at this…” Virgil looked at the floor. “But I wasn’t really allowed to have desserts. You know because of calories and sugar and cavities. And bullshit.”

While Patton processed that body blow, Logan showed up and added a container of multi vitamins to their haul. He looked between Patton and Virgil.

“Patton are you alright?” He sounded like he was talking to a bomb.

“I’m ok.”

Logan and Virgil exchanged terrified looks. Logan’s because he had seen Patton mad before and it was haunting, Virgil’s because he had no idea what was going on, but in his line of logic when an adult got mad, he got hit.

“Virgil, sweetie.” Patton rubbed his temples. “I promise I won’t ask you anything else after this. And I won’t get upset with you no matter what you say. But I have to know, are you just not eating out of stress or are there other reasons for this?”

“I just started getting sick whenever I ate.” Virgil wrapped his arms around himself to hold himself together. “I guess it was anxiety. I don’t think there were other reasons.”

“Ok. I’m sorry I had to ask you that.” He sighed. “And like I promised, we won’t talk about it anymore.”

“Did you miss me?” Roman announced dramatically.

“Who are you?” Virgil squinted at him.

Roman made a series of offended squeaks and held one hand against his heart while flailing his casted arm in front of him. Logan looked on, his eyes glimmering and a smiled forming across his face. A soft laugh escaped his mouth.

“Well,” Roman laid the indignation on thick. “I was going to buy you a dress for prom but forget it.”

“I can’t get a date anyway.” Virgil shrugged.

“The boys are probably intimidated by your looks.” Roman continued. “I think you should try asking one of them out.”

“Oh no.” Logan suddenly broke in, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“What? Prom isn’t until high school, if you think I’m too young to date you can say so.”

“It’s not you Virgil.” Logan sighed. “One of our neighbors is here as well.”

“Oh no, who?” Roman looked around frantically.

“Howdy neighbors.” As if on cue the voice of Brian rattled them.

Brian approached and Virgil immediately stepped closer to Patton. Seems he feared the sheer amount of man that approached. Which was odd, Brian’s bear like appearance normally didn’t intimidate people. But of course, Virgil was, well Virgil.  

“Salutations.” Roman said blankly.

“Hi Brian.” Patton forced a smile.

“Hi.” Logan didn’t even look at him.

“You three out shopping for more lawn flamingos?” Brian teased.

“No.” Logan said without any cadence.

“We are actually helping our nephew rebuild his wardrobe after a fire.” Roman with his usual tendency to act like he was reciting lines on stage. “You’ve probably heard about our taking him in.”

“I did hear that. Most of us are wondering when we get to meet the new member.” Brian led them into a false sense of security. “You two almost ended up being the last couple to take the plunge and start a family.” He gestured to the slim figure clinging to Patton’s arm. “This must be Virgil.”

“Well,” Patton ruffled the kiddo’s hair. “It’d be kind of weird if he were a stranger.”

“Hi.” Virgil said quietly, as he pulled away from Patton’s side. “Nice to meet you.”

“Virgil was in chess club and on the debate team back in his old school.” Roman announced contently. “And he does advanced reading.”

“Really.” Brian looked impressed. “Maybe he’d like to play Daisy sometime, she’s running out of people who can match her.”

“I am not going to be a part of this, and neither are you.” Logan picked up their basket and put his arm around Virgil. “Let’s finish off the list, they can catch up.”

#             #             #  

               “I’m sorry for dragging you away like that.” He explained, now out of earshot. “But I do not want to engage in a one-upping competition. Especially about our children.”

               “That’s what that was turning into, huh?” Virgil looked back in that direction.

               “Brian is a notorious one-upper. And I can’t stand him.” He sighed. “And if I’m honest I think he’s putting too much pressure on his daughter. I know he means well and he proud of her, but the constant bragging is going to set her standards to impossible levels of up-keep. Overachievers like her are difficult to deal with. Too much input, positive or negative can be catastrophic. Positive reinforcement is great, but the way he does it makes me feel like Daisy is going to associate achievement with affection and burn herself out.”

               Virgil looked at him impressed.

               “And I’m definitely not putting you through that.” Logan looked away. “I’m not completely dense. I know you weren’t in any of those things because you wanted to be.”

               “Were your parents like that too?” Virgil’s voice was soft and hesitant.

               “People with Asperger’s are occasionally incredibly intelligent, so yes I was an overachiever when I was in school. My parents enjoyed the vicarious limelight, so yes, they put a good deal of pressure on me.” He clenched his fists. “I was diagnosed when I was eight. Sometimes I still dream about that moment, their reactions. You would have thought somebody died, or that I had murdered someone. I didn’t understand why they were mad at me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. I’m far better off without their influence in my life.”

“I almost won a spelling bee.” Virgil added. “I got all the way to state.”

“That’s very impressive, you should be proud.” Logan smiled.

“I lost.”

“You still made it to state championships, that’s quite an achievement.”

“Dad grabbed my arm and he jerked me, and he dislocated my elbow. It hurt.”

Logan knelt and hugged him.

“My parents broke and dislocated more bones than I care to recall. And I say this, not because I’m trying to compete. But so that you know I mean it when I say I understand.”

“I know we’re not competing.” Virgil hugged him back. “You win because your parents aren’t in jail.”

“Now, how did you puzzle that out?” Logan pulled back to look at him.

“You said you were done with them, but you didn’t sound very satisfied.”

“You could tell all that from my tone of voice?”

“No, I was eavesdropping on you and Uncle Patton when you told him to stop sending them stuff.” Virgil smiled.

“Patton doesn’t let things go easily.” Logan scoffed. “And he doesn’t forgive them.”

“Do you?”

“Never think you should forgive someone who isn’t sorry.” He said flatly.

“Even family?”

“Familial bonds shouldn’t be a bargaining chip to force someone to tolerate abuse. Nothing justifies that. I thought that my parents had a right to do what they did because of how I am, I’m sure Payton gave you excuses. But those are just hollow manipulative tactics. You don’t owe anything to someone who mistreats you. All they deserve is a swift kick out of your life.”  

“Ok.” Virgil seemed relieved to have heard that. “So, is there some sort of contest on who is gonna go the longest without having kids in your neighborhood. Because I think we just proved that not everyone should be a parent.”  

“That mostly consists of people asking Patton and me when we’re going to adopt. Or asking Jenna and Julian when they’re going to have kids. Or bothering Lily about when she’s going to settle down and start a family. And I suppose now that Dan and Phil are both out, they’re going to be harassed too.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I don’t understand their investment in all of our lives.”

“Sounds like a fun place. I can’t wait to meet everyone.” Virgil was completely deadpan.

“It’s not as bad as it seems.” He reassured.

Patton and Roman caught up to them, Roman looked ecstatic.

“I told Brian about how I rescued Virgil!” Roman clapped happily. “He’ll never one-up that one.”

“It was pretty cool.” Virgil tossed a package of boxer briefs into the basket. “He broke through the window with his fist, like a superhero or something.”

Patton was silent, he had an annoyed look on his face.

“You ok Uncle Patton?”

“I wouldn’t mind the fact that I once knocked over our charcoal grill and set our yard on fire so much if Brian would stop bringing it up.” Patton said sternly. “Just for that, he’s getting a book of grilling tips for Christmas.”

“Not again.” Logan sighed. “How many would that make? Five?”

“He’s right.” Roman put a hand on Logan’s shoulder. “Get him a book on gardening instead.”

“Just get him a yard gnome and say, ‘I saw this and thought of you’ that’ll bother him.” Virgil suggested from the floor, not looking up from the vitamin bottle he was reading.

“Aww,” Patton said giddily. “He takes after me.”

“By the way Roman,” Logan turned to his roommate. “I noticed that you introduced Virgil as our nephew. As in all three of ours.”

“Well, calculator watch,” Roman began. “My brother is a maniac. Patton’s brother is the worst. So, why not pretend that Padre and I are brothers, that way we can get good siblings. And I babysat Virgil a lot towards the end, and I wrote at least seven essays in character as Patton and no one noticed. So, I think I know him pretty well.”

“You wrote those?” Patton was shocked and confused. “I thought I just sleep wrote them. Like how I kept doing the dishes in my sleep.”

“Well, you did kinda sleep write them.” Roman shrugged timidly. “I just made them legible.”

“Are there any other parts of my college life that are a lie?”

“I bought groceries with my own money and put the money your mother gave me back into her account.” Logan offered. “Which was more than fair because I was living with you rent free.”

“And I bought a bottle of laundry detergent and kept topping off yours so you wouldn’t run out. I went through about twenty bottles doing this.” Roman submitted sheepishly.

“That’s why the soap was always half full? I thought I was losing my mind!”

“And whenever I cooked, I put ground up moths in Payton’s food.” Logan didn’t even look at him.

“Why?!”

“I just really don’t like your brother.”

This entire discussion took place over the sound of Virgil laughing. Once they got to the moth part, he completely lost it and was on the floor in a ball, laughing so hard he was crying.

“That’s…” Virgil wheezed, wiping tears with his sleeve. “That’s just evil. Where did you get the moths?”

“Ok, Logan,” Patton pointed at him. “Your parents are getting a Christmas card this year.”

“You said you’d stop.”

“That was before I found out you fed Payton moths for months. Is that why you always offered to cook?”

“If we’re ok with poisoning Payton,” Roman held up his hand. “Then I used to spit in his water bottle whenever he left it unattended.”

Patton sat down on the floor with his head in his hands. Virgil continued laughing. And Logan and Roman just stood there guiltily. Virgil’s laughter died down and turned to coughing and hiccupping as he tried to get his breath back. At least one of them was having fun. Patton pulled him into his lap like he was a stuffed animal.

“How did we get here?” Patton whimpered.

“I don’t know, but I am thrilled that I was a part of it.” Virgil beamed at him.

“Might I add that he left his baby unattended more than he left his water bottle.” Roman tried to defend himself. “And was next to useless when it came to literally everything that was going on. Some nights he didn’t even come home.”

“In his defense,” Patton buried his face in Virgil’s shoulder. “If I could have just walked away and not have had to see what happened, I would have. Maybe he just couldn’t take it.”

“What about Virgil?” Roman raised an eyebrow. “He left you to raise his baby and tend to your dying mother.”

Patton kissed Virgil on the top on his head and sunk back down.

“I can’t defend that. I just, I understand why he didn’t want to be around then. Mom would have liked to see him though.”

“I’ll be an advocate really quick,” Virgil added, looking at the floor. “At least Payton kept me. He didn’t leave the country and dump me off with an abusive father.”

“That doesn’t matter anymore either.” Patton wrapped his arms around him tightly. “Because we actually want you. And we want you to stay with us.”

“So, I can stay?” Virgil blinked in disbelief.

“We’re suing your father for custody.” Logan said quickly. “And not to get your hopes up, but we have a pretty solid case. I think our chances are good.”

Virgil quietly leaned back against Patton.

“So, are we just gonna have all our big moments in the middle of a store?” He asked blankly.                              

[sunnyborabora]

Phoenix (Taeyong x Reader Mafia!au)

You are the living proof that you can run away from death itself. But you were to naive, thinking that you’ll be able to live your life like you want forever. With your past it’s almost impossible, and the world you desperatly ran away from is sucking you back in sooner than you thought. 

Warning: Angst, Violence, mention of blood, mention of past abuse, guns, Crack and a bit of fluff

It took me a month to write this, this is so long and absolutly not like I predicted. It’s litterally a big mess lmao but you’ll be able to see caracters from other groups and we love an extending universe. Love the mc with all my heart, please be kind to her. Hope you’ll enjoy and stay ready for some halloween drabble soon! 

Your breath was shallow when you finally arrived at your door. Stupid elevator was not working again and as if it was not already a messed up day you had decided to bring your entire life in your bag today, the thing weighing more than you at this point. You opened your apartment door, finally coming in. Maybe you had lost some of your instinct by starting a normal life years ago, but it was obvious that something was wrong. You kept your bag in your hand, his weight straining your arms already but you felt like it could me useful. There was no one in your living room, the place quite as ever. You almost cried on the spot when you saw him. This was why it was so quiet. « Oh no baby... » The little body of your small dog was laying on your carpet. You were tempted to call him, maybe he would wake up and come back to you wagging his tail like crazy. But you were doubting this. Your dog was dead. Someone came into your apartment to kill your dog. And for the first time since you opened the door you wished the intruder to still be there. « If you are still here, come out », you said, your voice full of venom. Nobody answered. You fell near your little buddy, looking at his pretty brown fur now spotted with red. Fuck what even happened. Maybe you were just crazy, he fell and hurt himself and you didn't come back soon enough. Yes maybe it was just an accident. But you suddenly heard something roam behind you, and maybe it was your instinct who was coming back at lightyear speed because you jumped on the side, avoiding the hit from a meter only. You watched the person who was in front of you, but could not see his face. Very convenient. « What do you want ? -Where is NCT ? » You almost screamed at the name. You got up off the floor, trying to look less pitiful than when you were lying on the floor. It didn’t seem to work and the man didn’t look intimidated one bit. « I don’t know where they are. If I quit years ago it’s because I didn’t want to do with any of that ». A new hit. You blocked it this time. The best you could at least because he was tall, taller than you and way stronger. But you gripped his arm and used it to keep your balance and kicked his face. He took a few step back, just enough for you to plunge on your bag, and with all the strength you could gather at this moment crash it against your opponent face. He felt on his knees. A last smack with it on the back of his neck, and he collapsed on the floor. You stayed a few minutes catching your breath, your brain completely dead. It took you a while to react again, deciding to move. You searched on the man body if he had anything that could allow you to identify him. There was nothing as you expected. You couldn’t recognize his face but snapped a picture, you knew some people who might know who he was working for. Last thing you took a bag and threw everything you could think would be useful inside. You had to leave. You had to be fast, you didn’t kill the dude that was currently lying in your living room, he would wake up at any moment. There was, under the board of your wooden floor a little box, with a passport, a driving license and a new phone. Yours was obviously compromised. Throwing this in your bag you were ready to leave. Maybe it was the sight of your dead puppy, the feeling of faillure that was invading your chest, the disappointment of, once again, having to start a new life elsewhere. You wrapped your dog into a blanket and you were ready to go. No way you were going to leave him here. You were maybe becoming paranoid, but a man just assaulted you so you had all the rights to. You almost fall off the stairs twice because you were running. Your car was so far away, maybe someone was waiting for you in the parking lot to kidnap you or something. You mentally slapped yourself when nothing happened because of course nobody tried to kidnap you. But you would not have thought about someone breaking in your apartment this morning when you woke up so… You didn’t really have an idea of where you were supposed to go. You had not planed your escape this time, silly you. You had to gather information, make sure to know what you were getting yourself in. Maybe you could just resonate with the people who were chasing you. If you understood correctly, they weren’t looking for you directly ! But at the same time, he didn’t seem to believe you when you told him you had no idea where NCT was. You did not have any contact with the mafia world for 4 years now, enough to make the majority of them forget about your existence. Well that’s what you thought at least. You drove out of town to find a small hotel where you could stay the night the time to lead the investigation. Maybe you should dye your hair, or shop it all off. Or maybe you were doing too much once again. You stopped on the side of the road before arriving to the hotel. It was time to say goodbye. Who had a shovel in their trunk, you wondered, except for the people who were burying stuff in the forest often. Digging the ground deep enough had made a mess out of you but at least it was over. That’s what you were salty about, this asshole had really killed your dog. At least, he didn’t steal your car or something. Didn’t mean you weren’t planning a revenge vendetta in your head. « Good bye buddy ». You teared up a bit, getting really sentimental. Everything but not your dog… What type of psycho was going around killing puppies ? Returning to the car was harder than you thought. It took you almost ten minutes to decide to leave your little puppy there. You threw the shovel back in the trunk and left. When you arrived to the hotel you decided to play it cool. You knew by experience than trying to be discrete was the best way most of the time to attract all the attention on you. Finally, there was plenty of room left and the owner, a sweet old man, let you choose. You settled in your room, ready to get into action. You knew that if whoever attack you this morning was looking for NCT it was pretty useless to look for them. They probably left the city. And even if they were still here, you would not have been able to meet them without getting killed. But you knew that they owned several club through the city and that if you intended to find information or people who could tell you what happened. You did not leave anything in your hotel room, anyway you had nothing to left here anyway. You arrived in front of the club and started cuing. You looked around you trying to see if you recognized anyone. First thing was that the club wasn’t closed. But if the entire group was supposed to be missing why the club was still open. You were soon in front of the door and there you realized that you were a big idiot. The bouncer looked at you in disbelieve. You looked around and saw that you were not really fitting the dress code. You smiled sheepishly at him, but apparently you were not as charming as you though because he still told you to get out. « Wait ! Someone is waiting for me inside ! » You were starting to look like those dumbasses who were trying to bullshit their way into clubs without paying. But suddenly you recognize a silhouette. « Kai ! » The man turned around and looked at you like he just seen a ghost. You saw him mouth « what the fuck » before walking, more like running, in your direction. You smiled as he got closer to you, but he didn’t seem as happy as you. « I am taking this one » he said before grabbing your arm hard and dragging you inside. « Wait, Kai, what the fuck ? » He shoved you inside the first room he saw before closing the door behind. « Y/n ! What the fuck ! -You what the fuck ! You crushed my arm you dumb ass ! » He looked at you in disbelief and you understood. « Yeah…. I mean… You thought I was dead, but I am not … Quite a shock I imagine. -Quite a shock indeed…. » This was really awkward. « I didn’t come here to cause you trouble. I know it’s hard to believe considering the situation… -What ?! That it’s hard to trust you when you literally simulated your death for four years… » Said like that it sounded really stupid. « Listen ! I just want information ! A man came, he fucking killed my dog ! And asked me where was NCT. I didn’t mention or even heard of this name in four years, and suddenly someone knew that I was linked to them in the past and thought I knew where they were ! I didn’t even they left ! » He seemed surprised. « Someone killed your dog !? » Of course. « Yes, fuck. Now I am on the go and don’t know what to do. I came here hoping to met someone who would tell me why NCT left. Running into you, not gonna lie, it’s the best thing that happened to me today ». He came closer to you and hug you. It has been so long. So long since you’ve felt like this. Comfortable, with someone that you knew since birth. Someone who knew you. « I missed you dumb bitch. - I missed you too » Jongin decided it was better to talk elsewhere, telling you, you already spoke too much inside those walls that had ears. To make sure that nobody was suspecting something between you two, you played along. « Hey, leave me alone ! » You screamed as soon as you were out of the room. He grabbed your arm again, a smile playing on his face. « No invitation, no entry. Now move ». He pushed you out of the entrance, you came crashing on the ground. You glared at him, and he answered with an innocent look. He was enjoying this way too much. You got up and walked toward your car trying to look as furious as possible. Like Jongin told you, you drove on the main street and turned around on one of the small street. You waited a while, watching the minutes pass as you were becoming more and more impatient. You almost had a heart attack when someone hit your window. « You scared me to death you bitch… -Good » he said smiling. He told you to drive, that you’ll be safer at his house than at a random hotel. « It’s good that you are not sleeping there. They probably already know where you are, they’ll go and see that you are not here. Did you tell the owner where you were supposed to go ? - Yes, I told him I was going in the south, that I was in a hurry and that I’ll be only staying the night. They’ll probably ask him and it’ll lead them to a wrong path ». He nodded. The rest of the drive was silent. « Are you living alone ? -Yes, it’s only for a few weeks left, my mission here is almost over, I’ll be back at the headquarters in no time. -How are the others ? Suho ? Kris ? -You have a lot to catch up » His apartment was a mess. Papers, notes absolutely everywhere. His walls were covered in pictures, red thread making links between different people. « You’ve been working hard damn… - Yeah I’ve been here for three months now, » You sat down and for the first time today you felt incredibly tired. « So, do you want to know everything now, or you want to sleep first. -Let’s go with this. » After a cup of coffee, Jongin sat down beside you. « The man who is looking for you, they are members of the organization NCT was a part of I think. A few month ago the boss was killed. -Tenro was killed ? By whom ? And why ? -Jaehyun killed him. » You gasped, suddenly speechless. « What… What happened ? -What happened to us. Wanting freedom. -He ran away after ? -We thought he was dead for a while, Ten and Jaemin had disappeared with him too. We didn’t know anything until three months ago, Taeyong called us. -What happened to the rest of them ?

-They had to run away too. After Tenro’s death, the organization literary exploded, everyone was starting to slaughtered each other, for the power. -Where are they now ? -No one knows, not even Suho. -So the man who attacked me this morning thought I would know where NCT is, that I would tell him, so he can finish the job ? -Yes basically. -I need to leave then. -I think you would be safer out of town, if you want I can call Suho. Even Kris. -What even happened ? -The group split Y/n, a bit after your…. Departure. -What !? -Tao, Kris and Luhan left. They have their own group now. We are still in touch, but we keep the business separated. » You looked at him, you could see the pain in his eyes, and you knew, because you were feeling the same. « I am- -Don’t say you are sorry. This is no one’s fault. -I know but… » Nothing came out of your mouth. All of this was a mess. « I don’t think this is a good idea for me to go back ». You wanted to say home, but you were not sure if you were worthy of calling this your home again. « You are always welcome Y/n, at least let them know you are alive. Please. » You nodded. « I’ll do it. But first I need to know where is NCT. I need to find Taeyong. -You can’t do anything for them, they should stay on the low right now. Which means it is going to be difficult to find them. » You thought about something. « You don’t know anyone, in the area, who is most likely to… collect information. -What do you have in mind ? -If someone as able to know I wasn’t dead, it’s impossible that a group of 20 guys disappeared without anyone knowing anything. » He seemed incredulous. « Wait ! Maybe I know someone. -Who ? -He is apart of another group. If you pay him a good price, he might tell you what you want to know. -Are you sure he knows what I want ? » He raised his shoulders. « I don’t, but that’s the best option you have ». You slept like the dead this night, maybe not being alone for the first time in what seemed to be for ever was comforting. Jongin had told you where you could find the guy you needed to see. They were apparently based out of town and where now at the head of a huge empire, with multiple connection on the other side of the ocean. Kim Seokjin was the man you were supposed to meet. He apparently knew everything about everyone in this city and it was exactly what you needed. You walked toward the coffee shop, telling yourself that it was the best idea to cover up a crime organization. The shop looked lovely, white and design, a very pleasant aesthetic. You didn’t know Bangtan when you were still a member of EXO. But apparently they now had the stranglehold on the biggest part of the city. « Hi ! Welcome ! » A man told you. He looked like an angel with his short blond hair, the prettiest smile you’ve ever seen. You smiled at him, walking toward the counter. « Hi ! I would like a hot Viennese chocolate, and something else… -Something else ? » He smiled gently. Your eyes shift on his name tag. Jimin. « I am looking for someone. Kim Seokjin ? » He stopped for a second. You noted the change in his demeanor. His smile seemed facked, and he was suddenly very suspicious of you ; « Jin-hyung ? He is not here today, sorry. -Are you sure ? » You smiled trying to look innocent. He smiled back but you knew that you were busted. He left, leaving by the back door. There was no other staff members in the room, just clients that were quite numerous now. You waited ans for a second you thought you should leave. But you needed the info, you doubted that they were going to kill you. Jimin come back still smiling. « Follow me ». You did so and prepare yourself. You really hope they weren’t going to kill you. But as soon as you passed the door you and the door closed behind you, you felt Jimin shift behind you. You felt something hard-pressed against the back of your head. « Keep walking. » You really wanted to tell him that you were not going anywhere anyway because you really needed to talk to Seokjin or whoever could answer your questions. You arrived in front of a door and Jimin told you to open it. As soon as it was open, you felt a hit in your back that made you fall hard. « Yo, what the f- -Who are you ? » You jumped on your feet. A bunch of man were standing there. The tallest was standing in front of you, a severe look on his face. « My name is Y/n. -Why are you here ? -I need information. Someone told me that one of you was a specialist in collecting information that people didn’t want public. -That must be me ! » He came out of his spot at the back of the room. «Kim Seokjin then ? » He smiled, his handsome features almost making your jaw fell. « If I knew how I was going to be treated like this I would have x=went to someone else. -Please, excuse Jiminie, he thought you were coming to kill me. -Why would I kill you ? -Because I told to those guys that you weren’t dead. » You law key hoped on your way here that it would not be him. « Dude what the fuck… -Business is business, sorry… -I hope at least they paid you well… -Don’t worry about that. » You groaned. Like he said business was business. Which meant that you had your chance. « I need to know where is NCT ». Seokjin looked at you weirdly. « Didn’t you ran away from them ? Why would you want to find them again ? -My cover is blowed anyway thanks to you… I am not safe out there… And I need to talk to them ». He smiled. « Do EXO know that you’re alive ?

-Kai knows. I met him yesterday. -Not gonna lie, you are very impressive. Faking your death and hiding for like four years straight. -Yeah… Which lead me to ask you how the fuck did you find me ? -Taehyung", he pointed at a guy who smiled at you when you looked, "he is very good at snooping around » You raised your eyes. « Do you know where they are ? -It’s possible. -I have money. Even if after that you sold me to a group of hit man, you should do it for free. -Sorry honey, can’t do that » You simply threw your bag at him, maybe a bit harder than you intended to. You heard someone laugh in your back. You supposed it was that waiter, Jimin. « I need to look through it. And everyone need to go to work. That coffee shop won't run itself alone. » He looked at the taller man, who simply nodded. Maybe the leader wasn’t who you thought it was. « Come one follow me ». You did what he said. You had to walk up stairs before he opened a door on the left. He threw your bag on the desk and made a sign for you to sit down. « First, I just want to tell that I don’t know where NCT is - You’re kidding. -They split the group. I know where you can find some of them. Not all. -In fact I need to see the leader. Taeyong ». He smiled. « I can tell you that. -Good. Tell me. » He opened the bag. « I think it will do. -You did not even count. -I am good with money. » You laughed in disbelief. « Okay… » Jin told you how you could find Taeyong and the biggest group of NCT members. Apparently they were in the north, a day or so of driving, in house hiding. Nobody knew this except him because Jaehyun told him when he left. « I have a question tho. Why didn’t you tell the men were NCT was since the beginning ? It would have been easier than telling them where I was, so I could tell them where they were. Even more when I had no idea where they were. -I like the kid, Jeahyun I mean. And EXO are protecting them from afar, don’t want to have Junmyeon on my ass. -So you sold me ! Fuck you honestly ! » He laughed hard. His laugh was so obnoxious like you were whipping a window or something. « Sorry Y/n ! -They killed my dog tho… » You rose up, ready to leave. You had no point in staying here any longer, because the longer you will stay here, the longer you will be in danger.

« I am leaving. I need to go. They might be able to find me if I stay in the same place for too long. -They already have might locate you. -I know, this is why I need to leave. » Seokjin caught your arm before you could exit. « I might have an idea. For your escape plan. » You raised a brow. You were not going to reject help. Finally, a guy named Jungkook took you out of the building. He seemed younger than you but you didn’t ask him. « Jin-hyung told me to drive you to our warehouse. -Why ? Are you going to kill me there and I don’t know hide my body somewhere ? -No, oh my god, why are you so dramatic. -Yesterday someone tried to kill me, and they fucking killed my dog ! -They killed your dog ! No ! Not the dog ! » You thought it was sarcasm at first but it really wasn’t. He genially was sad for your dog. « I was almost killed too. » He simply raised his shoulders. « Yeah but the dog. » You almost hit him, but reminded yourself that he was driving the car. « What are we going to do here ? -A new car. So you can leave the city without raising suspicions. -Oh, that’s actually really nice. Just so you know I gave all the money I had to Seokjin. » He smirked. « Don’t worry, we are doing this for free. -Why ? -I don’t know. Jin and Namjoon-hyung, they have a thing for rescuing lost puppies. » You were not sure he was talking only about you. His phone started ringing. He didn’t move and just kept driving. You soon arrived at the warehouse. « So what are you going to do after ? -I am going to go find them and after I don’t know… -And what if they don’t want to see you ? -Why wouldn’t they ? -You left, I mean… » You stopped. « I hope they won’t… Jongin told me to come back… If Taeyong don’t want to listen to me… » Jungkook looked at you, he put his hands on your shoulder. « I don’t know if Jin hyung told you… -The lost puppy thing ? Yeah, he told me » you laughed. He smiled at you and you felt like he was going to say something but his phone ringed again. He looked at it and smiled. « Take the keys, it’s the black one ». You them and left, but not before you saw a smile on his face. You found the car, it was bigger than you expected. You sat at the driver seat and you were ready. It took you a few seconds to give you the strength to start it. Jungkook was waiting for you outside. « So ? You like it ? -Is it really important ? » You loved it really. « Try to get it back one day, in one piece. -Jeez so it’s not a present ! -Or maybe it’s just an excuse to see you again -Are you flirting with me ! Jungkook we know each other since three hours what the fuck ! -Goodby John Wick, try not to get killed and don’t blew off the car ! -Fuck you ! » You didn’t wait for his answer as you took the road. The drive was long and you were tired faster than you thought. Maybe you it was because of what Jungkook said. What if they didn’t want to see you ? Which would be completely normal. You left for four all years. You didn’t regret a thing, if you had stayed here, with them, you would have died. You didn’t want to remember in which state of mind you were during this period. You stopped yourself at a gas station, because you needed to eat something and to fill your tank. It was almost midnight, and you were hungry as hell. You put on your hood, trying not to show your face on camera. But not trying to look like you were gonna rob the place. A sandwich and a bag of chips in hands you were ready to go and pay. When a bunch of men entered. You didn’t lift your head but you recognized a voice. You needed to stay calm, if you were leaving now without paying you were going to look more than suspect. « Hello, this is all you need ? » You nodded. Giving the cashier the money as fast as you could you walked, trying not to run to the car. You opened your door, almost jumping inside as you started driving. Maybe you were more screwed than you thought, as the face of the man who assaulted you two days ago was coming back in your head. He was there, back in the store, very much alive. You had to hurry. You arrived near the hiding house around four am. You drove so fast you thought you were going to die several times. But you needed to arrive fast so you could tell them that the enemy was closer than they probably thought. But as you were now parked at the beginning of a small path leading to the woods, you wondered how you were going to do this. Maybe you should just walk in. And that’s what you did. You drove your car a bit farther down the path just enough that it would be impossible to see it from the road. And then you walked. The gun you find in the truck, tucked in your back. You were dying inside at each step you were taking. You posted yourself at the realm of the forest to see if no one was outside. You walked toward the door and no one was shooting at you. You knocked at the door, your heart beatting so hard in your chest. You weren’t expecting a woman to answer you. She looked at you incredulously. « Who are you ? » You opened your mouth but nothing came out. « What’s happening at the- » You looked at the man who just spoken. « Jaehyun… -Who are you ? » You flinched at his voice. « It’s me… Y/n... » He growled, his hand moving so fast you did not even see the gun that he was holding. « I repeat, who are you ? -I just told you, I’m Y/n…. -She is fucking dead stop it now ! » You heard the noise when it was too late. It was like your entire arm was coating fire. You gasped, and the shot made you fall back. You stumbled down the two steps that were leading to the house before crashing to the ground. You cried out in pain, your shoulder bleeding out as your blood was getting everywhere. You saw, as well as you could as your vision was becoming blurrier. « Please, Jaehyun listen… I swear it’s me… -It can’t be you… She is dead. I saw it myself ». He pressed the gun against your head. Tears were streaming down your cheeks. « Jae-, you remember…. That one time when we were with Johnny… I was like 10 or something…. And he had the idea of stealing the boss car. We crashed it against a tree… We swore to ourselfs to never say it to anyone else… You remember… » You felt the gun trembling against your head. When you didn’t get shot. You heard a scream before falling into nothingness. You woke up feeling nauseous. You groaned wanting to stand up but you couldn’t. « Don’t move. You’re badly injured. » You opened your eyes and even if it took some times for you to see. « Even dead you just keep fucking things up hm ». You started crying again. « John- » He took your hand in his as he sat down next to you. « Please…. Tell me what is happening, because I am a bit lost…. ».

You told him everything. As he was becoming paler and paler, he was holding your hand more firmly. « I-I… Why didn’t you tell us … Tell me… » You looked at him. He seemed to understand. « You know what, forget it… » He smiled at you, his free hand stroking your hair gently. « Rest, I had to tackle some of them to the ground to stop them from coming. -I should go apologies. -No. No you have nothing to apologize for. Now that I know, I am going to tell you something. You should never apologize for something you did that was meant to save your life. You just protected yourself. And now that I think of it, even if you had told us, I don’t know if we would have been able to help you. » You wanted to kiss him honestly. But you suddenly remembered something. « Wait John ! I came to tell you something. -So it wasn’t to tell your best friend that you weren’t dead… -We’ll be all dead soon if you don’t listen to me » He realized how much you suddenly seemed very serious. « It is about you. You’re safety. -I should call Jaehyun and Taeyong » You tensed at the mention of this name. « Don’t worry, Jaehyun calmed down. -It’s not Jaehyun that I am worried about. -Say yikes » You wanted to throw something at him but it was almost impossible from you to move. « Two or three days ago, maybe, I don’t know, when did I arrived ? -Yesterday. -Yeah, damn I really slept 24 hours ?! Anyway, a guy came at my apartment, he knew who I really was. But he wasn’t really looking for me. He asked me where you guys were. I think SM is looking for you… -Do you know who this man is. -No, but look into my phone, in my bag, I took a pic of him. -Okay, I am going to see this with the others. -Wait, there is something else. When I was on my way here. I saw him. The same man. They are coming close, I have no idea how. » His jaw clenched. « Our plan was to stay on the low. Hoping they would forget. -I don’t think it will be possible. You should leave. It’s not safe anymore.

-We can’t. We have to wait. -Why ? -You know why we left ? -Jaehyun has the trigger easy. » He looked at you before starting to laugh. « How do you even know ? -I met Jongin on my way here. -EXO knows ? -No, just Jongin. -And you thought telling us was difficult. -Hopefully nobody’ll shot me this time. » He laughed again, so hard this time he almost started crying. « I missed you bitch. -I missed you two, I guess. » He smiled before quitting the room. You thought you’ll be bored, staying by yourself, but you just slept. It looked more like a coma than sleep now that you thought of it. It was dark outside now. You tried to see if there was anything in the room that could tell you what time it was but you didn’t see anything. « It’s 1 am ». You almost jumped out of the bed. You looked at the person standing near the door. « You almost killed me from fear what the fuck -That’s pretty fair don’t you think. You die you come back get shot and almost die again ». Taeyong had changed since you last saw him. He seemed more mature, his hair were an icy white. He looked more tired. « Yeah well, I think we are good now. » He dropped a plate on the table that was near your bead. A smirk form on his lips. « No we are not ». Yeah, that’s what you thought. « Listen, I wish I could tell you. -You told Johnny. -I know. But it’s easier to tell Johnny. » He sat on the chair near the table. « I can’t force you to tell me. But I am not going to lie. Right now, I can’t feel anything but hate toward you. Loosing you. It almost killed me. And you did it only because you wanted a normal life hm ? -You think I did this because I wanted to live the « normal girl » life Tae ? That just proves that you don’t know me. And that you would never have been able to help me ». At the time, you had wanted to tell him so bad, because he was Taeyong, the boy who had loved you since you were children. « Staying at in the situation I was four year ago, it would have killed me. All the things the boss did to me…. And to the other girls…. I couldn’t tell you, I felt so unworthy, so dirty, I felt that if you knew… You would stop loving me… » He didn’t say anything so you took it as a cue to continue. « You know the last night we spend together ? When you find me crying. And that you comforted me… You told me that you loved me… » His eyes were shiny with tears. « I was crying because I tried to kill myself minutes ago. » You saw a tear fall down his cheeks, but your eyes were dry. He wanted to know anything, right, he was going to listen. « When you told me you loved me, you show me that there were good things in life, that maybe I should live. But I couldn’t keep living with all of you. » Killing your original form, to be able to live the life you deserved. Like a phoenix, you had reborn from ashes. He was now crying, his head low. « Please forgive me ». You did not answer. You simply turned your head on the side. You were suddenly very tired. When you woke up you were alone and that was better that way. You felt better, less comatose. Your shoulder was still killing you, but you felt like you’ll be able to stand up without falling. And that’s what you did. You went to the bathroom with the urge of taking a shower. It was a true trial. Taking of your clothes was in fact impossible. At the moment you were going to go into the bathtub all dressed up someone knocked at the door. « Hi ! I saw you weren’t in bed, so I assumed you were in here ! » It was a feminine voice. Probably the woman who opened the door to you when you arrived. « Can I come in, I could help you ? » You opened the door, and she was here standing, a smile plastered on her face. She was really pretty and sweet looking. « Yeah of course, come on in… -My name is Roxanne by the way » You smiled at her. « I’m Y/n. -I know, everyone is speaking about you. Johnny almost tackled Jaehyun to the ground this morning, so he would leave you alone. -This bitch, he shot me. » She laughed. « In his defense, I should not have open the door. He becomes kinda extreme whenever I do something. » It took you a second to react. « You- you and Jaehyun ? » She smiled, getting a bunch of towels out of a drawer. « Yeah, we are getting married in a few weeks. -Oh damn. That's pretty cool ! » She helped you to get out of your shirt, trying not to hurt you too bad. « How long have you know him ? -We knew each other since we were kids. » You remembered vaguely Jaehyun mentioned a girl from his school when he was coming back. Contrary to most of you, his parents decided to put him in public school. « I think I remember it. Jaehyun mentioned you a lot when we were young. -Really ? We still drifted apart at some point. -What happened ? » Her speaking to you was a good distraction from the pain in your entire body. You would have been shy about getting naked in front a stranger if it wasn’t for taking your first shower in almost two days. « He started ignoring me, when we entered high school. I thought he had, like, forgot about me. » He started ignoring her when you all turned 15. Approximately when you started doing your first missions. She helped you to get in the tube and got the water going at the good temperature. You had to be careful not to reopen the wound. « Oh I see. When did you cross ways again ? -At a party. I didn’t know at this time that Johnny was a part of all of this. I was friend with him, and he told Jaehyun who I was. This creep come all the way to my university to talk to me. -I am not surprised » That was a very Jaehyun thing to do. « Yeah, and you know, I told fuck off but still dated him. -Yeah they tend to have this effect. » You got off the shower, she handed you a towel but soon realized that you would need help with that too. « He killed the boss for you ? -I think. He told me all the time that he did this for himself first but… But I can’t help and think that I might have influenced him. -Don’t feel guilty. Jaehyun, well you know him better than me I suppose » It hurt you more than you expected to say that « He is not a man you can manipulate » She nodded, helping you to get into the clean shirt she had brought along with the towels. « You are right. He is so stubborn. -And he is not even the worst » You both laughed. But soon you found yourself in front of the room door and you realized it was time to face everyone. « You can stay here again for a bit. If you are not comfortable with seing everyone. -No it’s fine. I rested enough. » You’ll have to face them anyway. You didn’t see anyone on your way to the kitchen. In fact the house seemed pretty empty. You couldn’t help but feel relived. You sat in the kitchen, because your stomach was growling. « So you finally came out of your cave. » You didn’t need to turn around to see who it was. « Hey, how are you ? » And as you were going to answer you saw he wasn’t talking to you. « Yeah someone plunged me into a coma so sorry if I didn’t come earlier ». He turned his face towards and you saw his expression changed. He seemed not so oppose to plunge you into a new coma. He sat down at the table in front of you and you thought you would choke on the pressure. « Fuck I can’t believe it ! » You heard a big noise. And then you saw them. Heachan, Chenle, Jungwoo. Maybe you were going to cry. Chenle almost knocked you off your chair. And it almost became impossible to understand whatever was happening. Suddenly everyone was here and they had changed so much. They had changed. You left some of them as they were children, now they were men. Mark hugged you. « Welcome back » he whispered in your ear and that might have done it for you. Johnny was here too, happier than ever, smiling at the scene. You noted than neither Lucas, Kun or Renjun was here. Taeyong was nowhere to be found either. Maybe it was better that way. You didn’t know what had been said while you were sleeping but nobody asked question, nobody told you anything about your departure and your sudden come back. You were thankful. You might have been able to say everything to Johnny and Tae but you weren’t sure you’ll be fine with saying in front of all of them. Some things were meant to be buried deep. None of them let you lift a finger. They literally did everything for you all day, almost tying you up to the couch. The youngest then proceed to tell you absolutely everything that happened during your four year of missing. You then learned than renjun had fallen for a girl and that they were in hiding with Kun and Lucas. They all wanted to tell you what happened, even picking up fights about that. « Mark you suck at telling stories ! You make them boring ! -You don’t even know how to speak properly, don’t criticize my sorry telling » The day was spent like this even if you noted that Johnny, Jaehyun, Taeil and Ten disappeared. As you were on your way to the kitchen Johnny called you. « We need to talk. -Please daddy don’t say that you are scaring me... » He almost hit you but then remembered. « As soon as you are heeled I am beating you up again. -Fair enough » You entered a room that was in fact a sort of office. A table in the center was covered in paper, pictures, notes and documents. All the missing men from before were there. Taeil smiled at you and you smiled back. But you stopped when you saw Taeyong. He was doing his best not to look at you, and you appreciated that. « So we are here to talk about the fact that we’ve been naive enough to think they would leave us alone. -I looked into your phone and I didn’t recognise the man. -Does that mean that they hired mercenary ? » You asked. « That’s possible. » Said Ten, « It’s not their style but… -But you were their hit man. Now that you are gone. They might have had to call for someone else services ». Johnny nodded. « That’s what I think too. -That’ll make things more complicated… -Indeed… -How did you find us tho ? I am curious. -I find Jongin working at your club, he was in an infiltrated mission, collecting information. He didn’t know where you were, but he told me he might know someone who did. So I find Bangtan. -Bangtan ? Why would they help you ? And how did they know where we had been ? -I paid for the information they gave me, and I supposed that after meeting me and discovered my magnificent personality they felt guilty about telling me off to the hit man. -They what ?! -Yeah they law key sold my ass… But hey they gave me a car after, so I could run away... » Johnny looked at you as he didn’t seem convinced. « If they accepted to tell the hit men where you were, why they didn’t tell them where we were ? -Because of me. » You all turned around to face Jaehyun.

« I helped them at some point, me and Jungkook, the youngest, we know each other well. -This is what they told me too. -So we don’t have to worry about them ? -No, not at all, I trust them. -We need all the ally we can get. » Those were the first words Taeyong said since the beginning. Taeil raised his brows. « Allies ? What do you mean ? -I mean that it has become obvious they won’t leave us alone. If we can gather all the support we can find, it’s for the better. -He is right », you said, « At this point I don’t think they’ll give up, it’s not a question of fight or anything, it’s more deterrence. -Exactly. We won’t have to do anything, just spread the word that we have the support of multiple groups, and they’ll probably give up. -Then we should contact the groups we had deals with. -Call EXO, tell them to take Kai back before something happen to him. Y/n call Bangtan and explain to them the situation. The others, gather as much support as you can. Now we have to find a way to spread the word ». Everyone left, Taeyong not taking a look at you. You couldn’t help but feel sad. « Thanks for your help » Taeil smiled patting your shoulders. You ended up alone and you decided to stay here. You took your phone that had stayed on the table, and composed the number Jungkook gave you. You ended up leaving a message telling him to call you back as soon as he can. It was already dark outside when you came out. You had spent some time looking at the diagram on the table, trying to make some link they might not have made but nothing. You joined everyone at the table to eat, you wondered a second how everyone was even fitting around one table. This house was bigger than you thought. Soon everyone was dispersed inside the house, in their room. You were sitting outside trying to think, your phone still in your pocket expecting a call back from Jungkook. « Can I sit ? - Yeah, of course » Taeyong had stripped down his day clothes, and you could see his hair were still wet from his shower. « I am so dumb. -I mean… Can’t deny that ». He looked at you already exasperated. « Why is it so hard to talk to you ? Before it was the easiest thing… - I don’t know… Time has passed… -Yeah » He took a deep breath by his nose. You looked at him. The moonlight hit his face so perfectly, casting shadows accentuating his beautiful features, his white locks looking like liquid silver. He was ethereal. « I am sorry. For what I told you. I don’t hate you. I never hated you. I loved you since the beginning and I never stopped loving you. That’s what I think made me angry. I- I was so sad…. You made me so sad at one point… How was I still able to love you. » You were still looking at him, but he wasn’t looking back. « But how can I blame you. I feel so fucking guilty. I didn’t see anything during all those years… How you, and the other girls were treated… I never see what they were doing to you… » He looked at you. His eyes full of tears. « I am so sorry Y/n, please forgive me ». You started crying as well not being able to stand. You took him in your arms, your shoulder suddenly killing you, but you didn’t care. He was here. « Why are you sorry. You are not a mind reader. I can’t complain about you not knowing what I never said to anyone. But please, never say you hate me ever again… -I swear » He kissed you and it was like the first time. You were sure that you knew his kiss by heart and that it was impossible to forget them but you were wrong. You both had changed, and he was kissing you with an unknown passion. « I missed you. -I am not leaving this time. » He was ready to kiss you again when phone ringed. You turned your face at the moment he was going to kiss you and as you took your phone to answer you found a pouty Taeyong. You smiled before picking up the phone. « Jungkook ? -Fuck Y/n sorry I couldn’t answer you earlier. Thank god you are picking up. -Yeah I wanted to talk to you about something- -No listen, they moved, they are a group of hit men who are on their way to find you. You have to fucking move. -Wait, Jungkook are you sure ? -Yeah, fuck, they came here and fucking threatened Jin. They think he didn’t tell them the truth ». Well technically he didn’t. « Are you all okay ? Fuck is Jin fine ? -Yeah nothing happened but they are coming closer. Get the hell out of he- » You heard a crack on your left. Taeyong jumped on his feet, suddenly pointing a gun at the source of the noise. You saw a man emerged from the shadow. « Jungkook… I think I’ll need your help…. -It’s too late… Fuck Y/n I am so sorry… -It’s fine… Call Jaehyun tell him everything » You hang up. « Here she is… Sneaky little mouse. » It was the man from your apartment. « I knew you would find them. To your credit it’s not you who lead us here. », he laughed. You were injured, weaponless, and emotionally unstable. But you were ready to fight if you had too. A second man appeared and lashed onto you. « No ! -Tae be careful ! » He turned around just to see the first man grabbing his gun. The hold of the other man on your throat become stronger. You pushed him back, hitting the house wall. His grip become looser, and with a hit of your elbow he let you free. But the sudden pain in your shoulders almost made you fall down. You tripped on your feet and at the moment were a hand grabbed your hair, you yelped in pain. You heard a loud bang, and suddenly you were free. You fall down a pair of arm keeping you from hitting the floor. Even with your blurry vision you could still see Taeyong’s face. « Told you I would end up shooting you again. -Fuck you Jaehyun » You heard him laugh as Tae was holding you closer. « What’s the deal with you and dying I swear… -You know what you say to the god of death�� -Don’t fucking quote Game of thrones while you are bleeding all over me. » You laughed but stop when you almost faint from the pain. « Did you kill the other guy ? -The first one ? -Yeah -Yes, why ? -It was the one who killed my dog. -I am going to spit on his grave after » Jaehyun almost chocked on his saliva. « Come on carry me inside before I really die this time. -Too soon. -So you can do jokes about my fake death but I can’t ! -Exactly » He carried you inside where Jaehyun was waiting with the medical equipment. You ended up with new sutures and a very confused Johnny watching you bleed all over his carpet. « So we are moving out again ? -Apparently » He sighed for the millionth time now. « I had Junmyeon on the phone. We’ll stay there. » Everyone looked at you. 

« Fucking perfect ». 

[girlmeetsliv3]

Paradiso: Twelve

Warning: This ain’t your first rodeo

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never kill me. What a fucking lie. Words will be the death of you. Words, especially in a perilous situation should be chosen with precision and caution, you seemed to lack that skill. No longer could you blame it on the loss of memory, trauma, or a head injury; it was recklessness that led to your situation. You chose the wrong man. You vacationed on a yacht in the middle of the typhoon season. You never learned any other languages or basic survival skills. You were irrational and an emotionally led individual which led to stupid choices. Three words, eight letters, they should be imprinted on your gravestone for they are your cause of death. In the throes of passion, you had let them slip out of your mouth, a common occurrence that anyone else would have ignored – but not Hoseok. He would never let you forget your mistake.

You were back in the house warmed by a blanket next to the window watching the moon in all its grace illuminate the sky. The stars next to it shined bright, but they could not compare to the moon’s magnificence. Moments like these were peaceful: where you could fade away and forget your surroundings, forget the circumstances, and just exist. Living is overrated. The only things that constantly assured our existence were the material things we experienced pain, pleasure, the warmth of a hot cup of tea. It was all bittersweet. A bit chalky as well. Wait what? You peered inside the mug at the murky liquid with several tea bags inside of it, Hobi called it a special recipe, and it did have calming effects on you. Maybe the tea leaves are expired? Does tea expire? More questions popped into your head and you were curious as to the taste, was he…

“Done with the tea?” Hoseok stood towering over your curled frame, peering down at you.

“Not yet.” A sheepish smile. How is he always in the right place at the right time?

“Might want to finish it before it gets cold.” With the softest touch, he angled the mug so that the liquid would pass through your lips, forcing you to chug it down until nothing was left. He smiled and caressed your cheek before taking the mug away and heading to the kitchen to rinse it. You stood up carefully and followed after him, leaving some space between you so as to not come off to suspicious. “Hobi, do you have any pain medication?” His eyes met yours from across the countertop as he cleaned the mug in the sink and threw away the tea bags. “Why Jagi?” A knowing smile was on his lips, he knew what game you were playing. “I have cramps.” There were times when all you could do was be thankful for the monthly ritual that cursed you. After he finished drying the cup, he walked towards you a slow predatory walk. Hoseok grasped your hands and leaned in to whisper, “I don’t think that’s your period baby.” All you could do was stare blankly at the wall as he chuckled darkly before he pulled you closer to him.

“It’ll take a while for you to get you used to it, but don’t worry. Once you do we can take things to the next level.”

“Next level?!”

“Aw, Jagi. Don’t get me wrong I love making love to you but eventually, that gets a little boring and predictable.”

“It doesn’t have to- “

“But it does. Then the relationship falls apart due to a lack of passion, it happens all the time. However, if there is danger, excitement, a thrill…”

All you could imagine where all the things that would classify as dangerous, exciting, and thrilling to Hoseok. All things that made your eyes brim with tears at the thought. “Hobi pl-please d-don’t…” The kiss was so tender and delicate it reminded you of what he could be. He pulled away just enough so that your lips were still brushing whenever he spoke, you could feel his breath on your face and it was warm and soothing. Why? He understood. He always did. “Don’t worry, hmm, we have plenty of time. There’s no rush.” No rush. He kissed you again before dragging you into his bedroom and locking the door.

-

           A figure paced around Los Angeles main airport, he was decked out entirely in black a baseball cap covering his caramel hair. His hands were shaking, thumb hovering over the call button deciding on whether to tell him beforehand. Anxiety had caused him to release all the contents of his dinner a few moments before. Hoseok hated surprises, he was not fond of being caught off guard and arriving earlier than scheduled might ruin the entire purpose of the visit. Hoseok was also an expert at seeing through someone bullshit a mile away, a tactic he had developed from being underestimated far too often in life. The man was aware of the danger of this visit, but still, he had to do it.  In his mind, he shouldered some of the blame for what had happened in the past and the situation which was currently occurring.

The man breathed in deeply and pressed the green button. He didn’t know what he wanted, wasn’t sure what to say exactly but he was blessed with not having to indirectly face the man when it went straight to voicemail. The automated voice allowed a sigh of relief to escape him as he boarded the plane with a destination to Seoul. He wasn’t entirely sure what to say or how to begin, but as the robotic voice announced to leave a message after the tone a surge of false confidence surged through him. He could pretend this was a mistake, a simple misunderstanding that was completely and utterly out of his control. A narrative had formed in his mind and he knew how to say it so that it would look as believable as a lie could get. Once he heard the beep, his voice was velvet, smooth, and calm; he recited the words as they appeared in his head. There was no room for mistake after all. A person’s life depended on this.

           “Hey, Hoseok-ah it’s Jin. I know I promised to be there by Tuesday, but there’s a storm here and if I don’t leave now I might not be able to make it all. It shouldn’t take me too long to get to Jeju maybe fifteen hours the latest… I know it’s been a long-time brother, but I missed you and I need to see how you are doing. If you’re doing better that is. Please understand. Anyway, I’ve got to go but I will see you soon. Goodbye.”

[thenixkat]

Animorphs notes: 23

Book 23

Narrated by Tobias

No you damn furry, you are a human wearing a bird body

Reasons why choosing to like as a wild animal is a terrible idea

And choosing to not do shit about the situation either way

Am I really supposed to give a damn if he doesn’t?

Tobias you are still a damn wimp

That’s assuming that no other forms of morphing tech exist anywhere else in the whole ass universe

Tobias, you decided that you wanna live as a wild ass animal. No one’s making you do this.

Tobias killed by rabbit inflicted injuries

Tobias is starving

Too proud for roadkill, other than now

Is this dumb motherfucker really gonna eat it on the damn road and not pull it somewhere safer?

Rachel asks if the random hawk eating roadkill is Tobias

Tobias is supremely embarrassed and stops eating. Not that starving i guess

Rachel has news for Tobias

Rachel interrupts Tobias b4 he can get into the pity fest

Tobias thinks Rachel being genuinely angry or upset is funny. 

Why did Rachel phrase it like that? Are you not friends with Melissa anymore Rachel?

I just wanna get to the hork-bajir not stand around listening to Tobias bitch about shit he chose to do

Human brains are the best around, ugh

This is why parrots are better than hawks

You could call child protective services

You could be held in a secure, airtight  metal box

You should still call child protective services

Tobias is followed

Tobias decides not to follow up with the rest for reasons

This is book 23. Tobias has only been to the valley twice?!

What? All escaped horks are supposed to just know where this place is? Who am I kidding the writers don’t give a damn about the hork-bajir or their agency

The valley has watchkeepers who definitely watch the skies

Shut the fuck up Tobias

Why do they need the help pf the Animorphs?

Bek is missing

So Tobias only goes and hangs with the horks to make himself feel better and otherwise just ignored their existance. All the while insulting them in his head

Tobias curses

There’s no way in hell that these people never heard cursing in English before

Bold of Tobias to assume that he’s smarter than any of the hork-bajir

So yeah, canon. The hork-bajir free the fucking hork-bajir.

Tobias ain’t make yall free, you made yall free.

So there’s a yeerk facility in the next town over

I wouldn’t tell the Animorphs about my covert operations either. I know how they operate

Confirmation that horks can track scents

Tobias, if you fucking wanted to you could morph human and have human contact. You’ve once again chosen not to

Wouldn’t the first thing someone would assume a hork-bajir is would be a person in costume? A monster? A cryptid? A new species of reptile?

The fuck is so ugly and deformed about a hork-bajir? Just cause yall squeemish petty fucks doesn’t mean everyone else is.

Have I mentioned that Tobias creeps me out when he talks about Rachel sometimes? He comes off like a stalker

Flight is learned not instinct

Man, wouldn’t it have been cool if Loren disappeared b/c she went off the grid to fight the yeerks?

Too bad none of yall have flying morphs with the stamina to fly long distances in straight lines

That’s incredibly suspiscious and abnormal bird behavior

Yeah, I’m not surprised Cassie would be the kinda dumb jackass that would release the animals from a roadside zoo without any fucking step 2 as to where the animals are going to go

I’m pretty sure 3 ft tall isn’t a damn new born. Young certainly, but up and about on his own definitely not a baby.

Bek was captured and put in a roadside zoo

The animorphs actually do their homework

Ax is distressed by what’s in the science text book

I’m not surprised that this is only the second time Tobias actually uses a useful morph like hork-bajir in the 10 fucking books since he last used it

Rachel decides to wreak the place more than necessary b/c like Cassie she is shit at thinking ahead. These kids don’t give a damn about the actual lives of these animals

Like I’m going to listen to the scientific opinions of someone we know didn’t pay attention in his xenobiology class

That means that atleast those 3 yeerks hears Rachel shouting about dumbo-zilla in thoughspeak

Also, idk man, yer wearing Ket Halpak’s face. She could have an entire reputation you don’t know about

Boo! Let Ket have a reputation as more than just a renagade rebel.

I am reminded of teh fact that if these hosts were anything other than human the animorphs woulda torn them into rags. Fucking hypocrits

Bek is capable of thought speak. While I know this is a fuck up, its more fun to imagine that he’s just a random psychic mutant hork-bajir

Also lying to Bek

Really Tobias? Gonna endanger a kid like that?

Visser 3 recognises Ket. But is not surprised that she’s alive.

All right, how the hell does Tobias know how to speak English with a hork-bajir’s mouth and whatever the hell else is involved with them speaking? I know his ass ain’t practice that shit

Let me guess? Another false surrender? Joke’s on you Tobias, Aximili already forfetted yer side’s ability to surrender

Visser 3 actually accepts this surrender, too bad Tobias doesn’t give a singular shit about Bek or himself continuing to live

In which Tobias is indecisive and suffers and bitches about things instead of finding solutions

And I don’t care about Tobias’ suffering b/c he’s an ass

Ax attempts a joke

Ax gets Tonias to spy on Tob’s supposed cousin again

Ax suspects that Aria is a yeerk who’s doing a lot to act like they aren’t

Rachel and Tobias have a fight and I’m on Rachel’s side 

Of course the Animorphs would intentionally manipulate the free horks and fuck up their own effort to free their people. The animorphs don’t give a damn

The fact that Tobias is still alive is a fucking miricle

Toby is willing to work with the animorphs to smash up and destroy the whole facility. Even if Bek dies b/c of it. She has decided to interpret ‘Free or Dead’ as “Rather dead than a slave”

10 horks go with the animorphs to fight

Fal Tagut talks to Tobias. Fal Tagut is going to fight some yeerks

I feel like these writers don’t know the difference b/w violence against and oppressor and violence from an oppressor? Like there’s a difference. A big difference. As someone else has already said “even kindergarteners can tell ‘I don’t care who started it’ is bullshit”

Tobias the territory sistuation can’t possibly compare for so many reasons. The first of which being you DON’T HAVE TO LIVE AS A WILD ASS ANIMAL YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER

Fal Tagut never tried to kill you you fucking nit, the yeerk did

The facility is hidden by a holigram of the forest

Horks canonicly just fucking tie up hosts and Tobias needs to shut the fuck up

Putting hork’s head in a hole/dirt keeps them unconcious longer

The yeerks are building a ground mounted dracon cannon

So a hork raiding team is about 3-4 people

Bek wants a hug. Jara Hamee delivers

Ya know that the yeerk is not their host? That means a yeerk saw a strange bird in a place it doesn’t belong and whent ‘This is not my problem’

Ok but this means that Visser 3 was pretending to be a human woman for who knows how long on the off chance that the andalite bandits knew something and would try to spy on them

And Visser 3 was actually kinda right

Tobias goes into a fucking angst coma in the middle of a fucking fight

Toby why just leave him there

The writer forgets that ‘they’ exists and is less clunky than he/she

Surprise! Elfangor is Tobias’ father

Visser 3 is too much of a coward to take in their nemesis’ son

Visser 3 speaks well of Elfangor

Also there’s something of an implication that Visser 3 can properly morph clothes

All of this b/c the Ellimist wants to use Tobias as a pawn

Tobias learns to deal with the psychic powers

Rachel and Tobias celebrate his birthday

[doomedandstoned]

Closer To The End (part III)

I contend that human beings are not suited for the world we've fashioned for ourselves. Cases of anxiety and depression are practically ubiquitous, and suicide in all age groups is once again on the rise. Some will suffer mental afflictions that last years -- perhaps even for a lifetime. This is the third and final part of my story.

~By Billy Goate~

Cover art by Ruso Tsig additional art by Karl Briullov

I'm so tired of hearing that I'm wrong Everyone laughs at me, why me? I'm so tired of being pushed around I feel like I've been betrayed

We take each other's love, forget to give back Isn't it a pity, how we break each other's hearts I know we're only human and not to blame But who the hell are you to cause so much pain Why...

MEDICATION

My parents have been anti-establishment for as long as I can remember. In the climate of the 1980s, the institutions of the day were being called seriously into question. One of them was the authoritarian nature of public education (there's a reason why Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall" resonated so strongly with people). It's no surprise that my family got caught up in the first wave of the homeschooling movement. Other areas of modern life began to be called into question, as well, taking the family down a dark, windy road that led into conspiracy culture, extreme libertarianism, and religious dogmatism.

This distrust of the "experts" put us at odds with the medical establishment, too. "Doctors only know how to do two things," mom would often proclaim loudly in one of her famous rants, "cut you open or prescribe you pills." Natural medicine held the keys to recovery from all ills, be it cancer or the common cold. "All those chemicals aren’t good for your body," she insisted. "God put everything we need for healing in the ground." I’m not here to knock naturopathy (I was an ardent follower of this way of life for years) nor my mother for her convictions, but there are some things that can’t be cured by Saint John's Wort and herbal tea -- major depression being one of them.

At one point, my anxiety, melancholy, and a generalized feeling of social isolation reached such a heightened state I turned to hypnotism, enamored by an obscure radio program hosted by Roy Masters and his Foundation for Human Understanding. I was too young to understand the significance of most of the bullshit he was spewing, but it was the comprehensive approach to life that appealed to me. I wanted answers -- all of them. About the only thing I got out of it, though, was learning how to make my own arm go numb through self-hypnosis.

Later, I'd get caught up in a movement of Biblical counseling that rejected psychiatry altogether. "Christ has given us all things we need for life and godliness," says the holy writ, ergo we need none other than Jesus to cure our mental ills. Furthermore, the thesis said, since "God has not given us a spirit of fear" it must mean that the root of depression and anxiety is ultimately sin against God. The answer? Confess your sins and walk by faith, not by sight. In short, pray the sadness away. All of this had limited effectiveness in coping with the claustrophobic cloud of melancholy that was constantly with me.

Cough & Windhand: Reflection of the Negative by Windhand

The stigma of psychiatry and modern medicine kept me from treating my depression for damn near a decade. Somewhere in my late twenties, after a prolonged and particularly dark depressive spell, I decided to talk to my medical doctor about antidepressants. He started me on the industry standard, the well-known and well-marketed Prozac, which became a household name in the '90s. I took the first dose at bedtime and when I woke up, I was seriously hating the daylight. Feeling extraordinarily fatigued, all I wanted to do was sleep. I called in a rare sick day from work. The next day I was feeling groggy, but well enough to return. Giving it the good ol' college try, I took Prozac for several weeks as directed, but the side-effects just weren't worth it for me. That’s when I was referred to my first psychiatrist.

It was a weird feeling sitting in the waiting room for my appointment. I felt like I’d joined the ranks of the fragile, broken, and confused, perhaps even the insane. It was hard for me to see myself sharing anything in common with the others that shared the tiny lobby. The psychiatrist who greeted me looked like a regular chucklehead -- you know, one of those sidekicks from a sitcom that's not coming to me now. (It just came to me: Glen from the Tom Green Show.) A paunchy man in his 30s with wavy dirty blonde hair parted to the side donning wire-rimmed glasses, the shrink pulled out a notebook and started asking me about my background, while he busily took notes. Turned out, the man was very methodical in his approach. Over the course of the year, we cycled through all kinds of drugs -- Paxil, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Zoloft, and a lot of other names I'm not remembering, before finally settling on Cymbalta.

Certainly, this was something I didn't want to share with my coworkers, much less mom and dad. The first time I told my brother I was taking antidepressants, he was outraged. “You don’t need that stuff in your body. You don’t need pills to feel good.” I don’t know what it is about antidepressant medication that offends people so badly, but some people feel it is their personal mission in life to get you off of them. Why all the evangelical fervor? Are they secretly afraid they are "nuts," too? It’s not like I’m trying to get everyone else to take my medication, but suddenly these people, well-meaning or not, are trying to get you off of your meds.

I’ve seen YouTube videos from a guy claiming that God has cured him of his bipolar disorder and he flushed all his pills down the toilet (bad idea, by the way). Then a month later, he comes back online crying uncontrollably, talking about how he feels like God is testing him and asking viewers to pray to stop Satan’s onslaught. Moral of the story: It's dangerous to let people's religious opinions and untested hunches drive the agenda for our mental health.

I'm very reluctant these days to talk to anyone about my depression, because of all the rush to judgement involved. Ironically, it's this breakdown of community that I believe is at the heart of much of our mental health issues as a society. Look at the comments on any confessional video addressing burnout, depression, or anxiety and you'll find everyone is suddenly an expert who knows so well the precise and perfect solution to your problems. Well-meaning or not, it's incredibly annoying and I'd rather not have trouble with it. Hell, it took me two years to finish this article.

Depressed people are often viewed with the same cynical dismissiveness ascribed to angsty hormonal teens. "It's just a phase, you'll get through it," you're told with the reassuring wave of a hand. Besides, they remind you, "Happiness is a choice!" Because they are feeling chipper today, they have little patience for you dampening their mood. Others call you edgy when you say the pressures of life are so great that you feel like just turning off the lights on all of it. Still others will view you as selfish for leaving the family reunion early (or not wanting to participate in holidays at all). When you spend the whole weekend in bed sleeping, they'll accuse you of being indulgent, not realizing sleep gives you a respite from the hurt, guilt, and regret of painful memories or the misery of an unstable home life. Or the well-meaning "It Gets Better!" It doesn't always get better as life moves on.

Then there are those who try to talk you off your meds, entirely (cue: the ridiculously overwrought Facebook posts). We've all been privy to those conversations that strike a conspiratorial tone about how it was really the pharmaceutical companies that led to Chris Cornell's death. "You should just get off the stuff," they argue -- be it from noble intentions or just pride from clinging to an opinion they've stubbornly invested in.

Then there are those who are convinced that since Jesus (or Buddha, Allah Oprah, Jordan Peterson or juicing) gave them an escape from their depression, certainly it is the universal cure for all that ails you. Understand that I was a committed Christian for decades. I know what it is like to feel spiritually serene and I value many of the things the church gave me as a young adult, namely the fellowship, tolerance, and love. I know the feeling of peace that comes from believing in someone who reigns over the chaos and cares about your every need -- an ultimate being who will make sense of the nonsense one day.

I don't wish to diminish anyone's faith or diminish your personal experiences. The fact is, however, that major depression is as much a physical illness as cancer is. Certainly, there are transitional feelings of unhappiness, emptiness, and despair that come from facing situations that seem out of one's control -- the nightmare roommate, being laid off from a job, losing a loved one. It's also true that in most cases, this sadness can be overcome by a new perspective, trying better strategies, or simply allowing the passage of time to do its healing work. Depression can be impacted by one's beliefs, but there is a kind of depression that exists independently of one's perspective on life.

SUICIDAL TENDENCIES

Apart from this series of articles (which took me a good two years to publish), I've stopped sharing my depression with other people. It's annoying, because most people don't know how to listen and empathize. They want to jump in with a solution that, if implemented by nightfall, just might make a difference by daybreak. It's just more hassle than it's worth. Over time, I've gone from being someone with an intense need to belong, to not caring what people think about me at all. I'll often go out of my way to avoid anything deeper than transactional relationships. Once a social butterfly, you'll find me quite the hermit these days. As a consequence, while I was once open to sharing my feelings of loneliness and despair, I rarely mention them any more on social media and practically never to my IRL friends. I would be the last person to call a suicide hotline, by the way. Judge me if you wish, but I'm just being honest. If you want to know what is going on in the head of a severely depressed person with suicidal ideation, here's a least one brain you can peer into.

There's a general consensus that suicide is a selfish decision, even a cowardly act. This was a casual opinion of my own for years, as well. Not until suicide touches someone in your life -- or when you enter its despondent realm yourself -- does the ridiculousness of that notion becomes apparent. Understand that for a person to commit suicide, they have to overcome the brain's own strong predilection for self-preservation. It's not so easy to take the step of ending your life. Something has gone terribly wrong with the brain's ability to convincingly cry, "STOP!" for that to happen.

In my worst bout of depression, following the demise of long-term relationship, I reached the point where every waking moment was sheer misery. Some call this anhedonia -- the inability to feel pleasure. Normally, when we are feeling blue, we seek out something to stimulate our pleasure receptors. That's why ice cream, chocolate, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are popular go-tos for the bummed out. For me, it's always been music and movies. On this particular week, though, I had somehow lost the capacity to find any joy whatsoever in the usual pastimes. Anything that attempted to pacify my mood met with my contempt. The only thing I could do to escape the agony of just being alive and conscious was to sleep...and sleep I did. At first 8 hours a night, up from my usual 7. Then it advanced to 9, 10, 11, 12 hours. When dawn came, a wave of misery washed over my mind again.

Once, I woke up feeling so despondent that I knew with absolute clarity that I could end my life. Today, I could actually do it. Immediately upon this realization, I wept bitterly. I've not cried like that before or since. If anything, I've become more stoic about the idea of suicide. Don't get me wrong, my internal sense of self-preservation is still quite strong. The problem is that in moments of severe depression, that instinct is dampened. You'll do just about anything just to get rid of the feeling of misery making it unbearable to be awake.

DOOM AWAKENING

One of the most important developments in treating my depression, besides medication and therapy, was the discovery of doom. There's an old expression that misery loves company. I don't know about you, but when I listen to music it's not generally to cheer me up. No, I want my tunes to have a certain level of commiseration with what I'm feeling and going through at the time. When I discovered (quite by accident) Saint Vitus, I knew I'd found my soul food. I can't fully explain that eureka moment when Dave Chandler belted out that first downtuned note on the guitars on "Born Too Late" or when Wino joined with plaintive lyrics for "I Bleed Black." This resonated with me powerfully. It brought chills. This was medicine for my weary head, a kind of mental morphine to dull the pain. I'd come to the Roseland Theater for Down and left with Saint Vitus.

As a funny aside, my roommate (who accompanied me to the show) and I rehashed the bands of the night, giving our two cents on this or that. One thing he said still makes me smile a little inside. "What did you think of Saint Vitus?" I asked. "I don't think they're the kind of band that will withstand the test of time," he remarked. "Well," I rejoined, "they have been playing now for over 30 years and were the co-headliners on a national tour, so their sound must be resonating with a good number of people." Sure, it wasn't for everyone, but on that night my doom had come.

Every song on 'Born Too Late' (1986) so perfectly captures the malaise of the deeply wounded soul, not just in lyrics but in the whole vibe. There's a thick, smoky haze permeating the record and it reminds me a lot of what it feels like after you've poured out your heart until you've got no more tears left to cry. Come on, don't pretend you're so macho that normal human emotions elude you. It's hard to put doom into words, but I'll try: on the one hand you feel emotionally exhausted because you've emptied out all those pent up feelings of loss, fear, regret, and frustration, on the other hand there's a feeling of "reset" and it often makes things much clearer to sort through. For me, when I've exhausted all my emotional resources, I'm left with a feeling of blithe acceptance. A sense of being dealt a set of cards by the impartial hand of fate. That's the kind of vibe that Saint Vitus captures perfectly for me on this record.

I spent entire weekends on those long, wonderful rabbit trails of discovery. "Dying Inside" led me to Trouble's "The Tempter" with its oh-so-tragic central riff. Lyrically, the songs I was running across could not have been more apropos.

Pentagram, The Skull, and Candlemass were not lingering far behind. Then came the more recent monoliths of doom: Electric Wizard, Windhand, High on Fire, Burning Witch, Khanate, Pilgrim, Serpentine Path, Usnea, Demon Lung, Ancient VVisdom, Dopelord, and the NOLA sludge scene, along with lesser known but equally as powerful acts like Undersmile, Shepherd's Crook, Reptile Master, Purple Hill Witch, Witchthroat Serpent, March Funèbre, Beldam, Hooded Priest, Regress, and 71TONMAN (listen to the Spotify playlist).

Doom metal spoke to me with a sharp realism that I connected with immediately. When you have no strength left to get angry at the world, you switch your listening habits from Car Bomb to Cough. You can say, I suppose, that doom was my salvation. It kept me hanging on a little while longer. The salve of those slow, low riffs gave me a strange feeling of consolation. "We know life sucks, too. Welcome to reality." It's like being awakened to the Matrix, but feeling there's not a damned thing you can do to change any of it. Your fate is sealed. It's an honesty that is both refreshing and freeing, I suppose, though one does wish to reclaim the notion of hope.

Believe it or not, even after writing all of this, optimism is my default mode. When I'm feeling well, and even when my depression is at low levels, the needle always leans towards inspiration, creativity, even a mischievous sense of humor and an aw, shucks smile that people tend to notice. I don't want to be depressed. The problem is that severe depression can make you feel, illusion or not, like you're paralyzed from doing anything about it.

As I've experienced more and more cuts and scrapes of life, I've become increasingly numb to it all, like the massive build-up of scar tissue. Things that upset me easily in the past might still hurt, but I've come to expect them, so they have the impact of a dull table knife. Perhaps I'm becoming a nihilist, despite my optimistic tendencies. It's hard not to be. Don't worry about me, though. If anything, I want to stick around to see what's going to happen next. It's the inborn curiosity we all have inside of us -- the same thing that I imagine kept Stephen Hawking going for decades after being wrecked by a disease that cruelly mangled his body into its famously misshapen form, stealing away his most basic expressive freedoms -- save for the power of his eyes and the thoughts behind them.

I've also made a deliberate attempt to pursue treatment (both psychiatric and psychological care) for my depression, which I urge you to do if you are likewise laboring under its crushing weight. The perspective of time, coupled with a remedy for mind and body can have a significant impact on your perspective, if not your life circumstances.

THE WINDY ROAD AHEAD

Learn from your mistakes, don't dwell on them. Repeated affirmations like this one may seem trite, but they are ultimately true. You can be free from the chains of guilt and move forward, as one performer puts it, "from strength to strength."

Don't kill yourself (literally or metaphorically) for someone else or for someone else's decisions. It may bum you out that a roomie decided to take your money and run or that you were rebuffed by a long-time crush or made jobless through corporate-wide cuts. You don't own that, they do.

Walks

Get off the couch, move that bod. Something as simple as a walk down the block or a drive out of town can do wonders for your perspective. As a homeschool teen living under the strict rule of a radical fundamentalist household in rural East Texas, my one salvation were those long walks in the open field -- especially when my parents started having loud, intense fights related to my mom's own mental health. I sorted through so many of life's problems (most of which seemed much larger then than they do now) through those solitary, hour-long strolls.

I really miss that where I live now, in a more congested neighborhood, so I have to find other ways of getting away from it all (getting up and out a half-hour before the other walkers, for instance, helps). Even if I don't want to rustle myself awake and move around to do as simple a task as taking out the trash, sometimes the feeling...let me revise that...quite often the feeling follows after the decision has been made and the body is in motion.

Projects

Another piece of advice I have for coping with depression is to channel your frustrations in projects. When I'm depressed, I throw myself into my work. Hell, Doomed & Stoned started because I needed a project to pour myself into. My counselor asked me once, "If you woke up tomorrow without depression, what would be different about your world?"

She encouraged me to start with the things that were in my immediate vicinity. "Well, there wouldn't be mail strewn all over the floor. My dirty clothes would be in the hamper, my clean clothes folded and put away. I'd take the time to cook myself a meal, instead of running out the door eating a quick bite out of some package."

Good, let's make a list and start there. Do at least one of the things on your list between now and the time we meet again next week.

Talks

Despite my isolationist ways, I begrudgingly admit that talking often helps, too. Though I'm an introvert and am horrified at the idea of sharing my feelings with others, I've reached points in my depression where I was compelled to tell others about it. It's as natural to do that as to cry out when your body is experiencing jolting pain. I'm one of those verbal processors that tends to sort through my problems by talking to someone else. Often, pride or shame or lack of trust gets in the way of sharing with our family and friends, so at the very least the much talked about Suicide Prevention Hotline could actually help you gain perspective on your situation.

Journals

If you don't talk, at least journal. Again, I'm not a journaler and this is the first time in almost three decades that I've written about anything related to my depression. Role play with me. You're a scientist studying the human psyche. How would you describe those feelings you call depression? When I was first asked to describe it to a counselor, I found myself at a loss for words. She helped me with prompts:

Can you tell me what it feels like?

"I walk around feeling like a dark, thick raincloud is hovering all around me all the time."

Do you feel it in a part of your body?

"Well, yeah, I guess. The head. And the chest. It feels like there's pressure building from all around me, like my head is going to explode. My heart feels like it's going to leap out of my chest."

What's happening around you when these feelings arise?

I'd then go on to detail some recent happenings. She'd press me further to describe the kinds of thoughts racing through my head in these situations. All of this was really helpful in getting me to define this nebulous, gray malaise that was following me everywhere I went.

I don't keep a journal, per se. Something about it feels needlessly egotistical, a vain attempt to reinforce the illusion in our YouTube fame crazy world that my life is worth discovering and remembering at some point in the distant future. And yet, writing down one's thoughts can be another effective way of untangling that anxious ball of feelings that keeps me from thinking rationally about the depression I'm feeling.

Today is my birthday, but I couldn't care less. It's not about getting old. I stopped caring about that 10 years ago. It's something about celebration, specifically when the attention is on me. I can't adequately describe how contemptuous I find it. My last birthday was spent alone in an empty house and a bottle of Scotch, catching up with past seasons of Game of Thrones. I was so glad it was over and the happy birthday wishes stopped. There's nothing special about this day for me.

At some point, my family stopped celebrating birthdays and holidays. I'm not sure when it happened or why. Certainly not for religious reasons, more probably for financial ones. I grew up in a family that barely scraped by, so birthdays seemed a luxury we couldn't afford. Now, it just feels indulgent. More than that, it feels sad. It reminds me of all the disappointments, hurts, and failures of the past year. It's not as though it's all bad, of course. If nothing else my birthday gives the illusion that a chapter has turned, with new possibilities for the future. I also have to come to terms with how many people out there actually seem to care about me, maybe even love me.

And later that day, I forced myself to go to a show I was quite enthused about, but didn't factor in depression being the party pooper.

I can't account for what it is that comes over me. There are people here that genuinely like me, who probably even want to get to know me better, but I push them away. Not so much directly, but indirectly, by excusing myself to use the restroom and then changing my mind midway and just leaving the venue -- without even the courtesy of a "goodbye" to friends or a "great show" to the bands. I feel awful about it afterwards, but in that moment it's like a flood of emotional pain washes over me and it feels like I'm carrying an anchor chained around my neck. I feel the great urge to find my way to unlit corners. To look busy and preoccupied. Would it hurt me to say hello? To smile? Perhaps not, but right now my psyche is tingling like some kind of Spidey Sense telling me, "Get out of here! Just get your shit and leave...NOW."

As dour and hopeless as that may feel, just the act of writing it down afforded me a release, which incidentally I did not feel until the writing was all said and done.

Hope, a new beginning Time, time to start living Just like just before we died

Hurt, falling through fingers Trust, trust in the feeling There's something left inside There's no going back to the place we started from.

ONE MORE THING

For those of you who are wondering what you can do for a friend, family member, coworker or just someone you know casually from shows you both frequent, I couldn't say it better than one of my longtime fellow travelers in doom, who offered up this advice:

"While it's all very well and fucking dandy that there are so many people telling those who are struggling to reach out to them, I don't think people are quite understanding just how mental illness works sometimes. People quite often don't reach out, because those that are suffering from mental illness, at times, feel like they are a burden by unloading their shit onto someone else, despite the invitation to do so. It's generally the same concept that leads on to suicide.

I obviously can't speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself when I say the last thing I want to do is reach out to anyone because I feel like I am a burden and everyone would be better off without me -- and that is ultimately why I don't reach out. The point that I'm trying to get at is if you see someone struggling YOU reach the fuck out. If you don't see someone who used to be around, YOU reach the fuck out. Think about it. It's not that hard."

Well said and completely on the mark. At the same time, if you're feeling alone and uncared for, you may look at people’s lack of inquiry as more confirmation that you are worthless trash. You may interpret a busy person's slight as utter rejection. Don't worry about what others may or may not think of you. You need to take care of you, for you. The future is fickle. Your fortunes can change on a dime, so why base your self-worth and your decision about whether to live or die by how you feel right now? Ride it out, seek out help, get a game plan in play.

I say this as someone who knows how hard it can be to get mental health. I was double insured -- through my employer and the Veterans Administration -- and I couldn't get a god damned psychiatric appointment to reevaluate and adjust my meds. I called all over town trying to get in with someone. "Sorry, we're not accepting new patients" was the universal refrain. The VA would just be too many month's wait, I told myself, based upon how long it has taken me in the past to get a conventional medical appointment. In desperation, I called up my primary care doctor who asked if I was suicidal. For the first time in my life, I knew with full certainty the answer was yes. The more miserable I felt, the more I contemplated dying. If I did it, it would be something quick and sudden, I would daydream in my most despondent moment. "You need to check yourself into the hospital now," she told me adamantly. I did exactly that. I walked into the ER and told them I was suicidal. They led me to a room, had me take off all my clothes, and put on a hospital gown. I stayed in a padded room waiting for a social worker to see me. It was a desperate move, but it did pay off in getting me fast-tracked to see a psychiatrist.

One thing I learned about medication from my new psychiatrist (because he was very caring, very careful, and hence very effective at his job) is that everyone’s brain chemistry is uniquely different. There can be other issues impacting mood, too, such as thyroid, environmental stressors, sleep problems, vitamin deficiencies, and so on. Again, it’s often hard to see whether the cart is leading the horse or the horse is leading the cart, in terms of the mind-body connection. Long story short, this doctor adjusted my meds to near perfection to get me through the rare summer-long depression I was experiencing.

Just a few months later, he got hired away to work for the County and I was left back in the same boat once again. I got a great referral, but didn't realize until bills came in I couldn't pay that the doctor was out of my insurance network. Believe me, many people prefer to go without care entirely than to go into debt and I was one of them (truthfully, I still am). I went another year until I couldn't take it anymore and this time in my desperation reached back out to the VA. Surprisingly, they saw me within a week and prioritized my suicidal depression. I'm now in a good spot as a result, but it was a long, windy, uncertain road getting here. I know it's hard to find help. Sometimes you don't know what's available to you until you knock a little louder and get people's attention.

The older I get, it seems the more stubborn I am, particularly when it comes to reaching out and asking for help. Perhaps I've always been that way and am only now realizing it's become a liability. After taking off three weeks during the holidays to catch up with the many projects that were piling up around me, I realized that my depression was sometimes stronger than my will to power through and do my best work. I would find myself sitting at the computer for hours trying to get started with a story, trying to edit audio for a podcast, trying to prepare a team member's submission for publication, and every time I would find myself coming up against something painful, perhaps similar to the long recognized creative crimp known as writer's block. I describe it as an inhibitor chip in my brain that sends pain signals to my psyche whenever I contemplate moving forward.

Of course, rationally, I know it's all just a matter of the will, right? That's what those who aren't experiencing depression will tell you, at least. They don't want to go to the gym, but they make the choice to do it anyway, so why can't you just "man up" and do what needs to be done? Well, those aren't so much the messages other people give me, as they are my own conscience. The guilt itself from a day coming and going without results adds its own layer of complication to my mood. Thankfully, I have a wonderful counselor who understands and is helping me to tackle this with cognitive strategies. This, coupled with sensible medical treatment, has at least helped me to find "even flow" again.

Finally, you're going to have some bad days where you may even want to be productive, but your body feels like it's in revolt. As a creative person who loves to pour myself into as many projects as I can when I'm feeling good, it can be extraordinarily frustrating to not even feel the will to check email, open a letter, or listen to a stitch of music. Most days, I'm trying to work in concert with my body's natural rhythms. I'm more of a morning person and get my best work done between 8AM and 11AM. Anything after that is going to be hit or miss with diminishing returns. With that in mind, I have to hold back from starting new projects before the ones already on my plate are finished, because when I'm feeling good, I think I can take on the world.

This is all a part of me rediscovering what it's like to feel balanced, bright, and in love with life. It can be frustrating to have that feeling back, only to watch it wither away as the week progresses. Since I have very high expectations of myself, it's natural for me to heap guilt upon guilt for all the missed opportunities, but beating myself up only compounds the problem (it took me a long time to really get this about myself, too). Every day is a struggle, but I've decided I'm staying in the fight for the long haul.

In short: Be patient with yourself. Be fair with yourself. Be good to yourself. Remember, this too shall pass.

"Someday you're going to die, just like some day I'm going to die. But until then, you fight like hell to stay alive, you get that?!"

-- William Holden, The Earthling (1980)

[lillaxtrigger]

Young hope: Chapter 22 (Pt1)

The mountain breeze brushes through a lush valley of elm below; a flock of birds flowing though the winds resting upon their branches. Those same birds swiftly resume their flight when a lime green blaze combusts right in the small clearing below them; the lime flames beginning to take the shape of a pair of people. The fires soon die down, revealing under their burning cover both the young Heylin witch paired alongside the demonic green teen. Letting loose a raspy sigh, the green demon questions how he: “Still don’t know what cracked Drake’s head open to make him think that pairin me up with his bratty bitch of a sister would end as well as a sexy smooth ass.” “This isn’t exactly a pleasure cruise for me either, you know. Almost certain that it’s simply a disguised ploy to get back at me for the times I’ve taunted him with my magical prowess. Honestly, I can’t help if my own skill surpass his.” the witch surmised. “Whatever, just what the hell are we doing here anyway?” “Easily the forgetful and dim, aren’t we Victor? If you paid a single iota of attention to the report, you know that we’re here to investigate the ruins of a lost society.” “Mind at least giving a name, Shen Mi.” Victor asks. “Couldn’t say, even if I wanted to. The report didn’t exactly give any basic details. Could hardly track any trace of history down either. Only a single mysterious gate could found. We could be uncovering a race of time traveling primates for all I know. All that matters is that we search through their ruins to see if they left behind any books or something that tells of their history.” “Guessing your teleportation magic ain’t all you bitch it is, then. All I’m seein is just a bunch a trees and mountains. Ain’t no sign of any ruins anywhere.” “And here I was thinking you couldn’t be any more dimwitted. Of course the ruins wouldn’t be out in the open like this. They’d be hidden away from the public eye; their secrets, tucked under the cervices of this valley. My warping magic was on the mark.” the sorceress enforces, floating away from her demonic partner.

Following the young witch through the mountain woods, Victor asks her that: “If ya say that, then why not just skip the gate and warp right in? It’d be less hell of a hassle.” “Maybe to someone as stupidly reckless as you; but for someone as elegant as I, it’d be just foolish. Who know’s what insidious defenses this unknown race has laid to counter such intrusions.” “Oh bullshit. Like any ruins this old would have any working traps left. You just don’t wanna admit your scared.” “That’s because I’m not.” “Yeah ya are. You just a frightened little brat pretending to be big on the verge of pissing herself. He he he he he.” “Hmph. Someone as so magically inclined such as myself has no need for fear. Even if we wind up triggering such primitive craft, a simple thought would be all I need to tear it apart. Though being so carelessly destructive may wind up putting at risk any historical evidence. Tis why I find it best to practice precaution. Not like you would understand.” Shen Mi enforces, gazing back towards her following partner. “You’re so full of shit. Just all bark and no bite, like the bitch you are.” After briefly chuckling off the insult, the Heylin witch approaches Victor and responds with: “You can be so endearing when your imbecilic.” Shen Mi turning back to continue her floating venture, the green demon lets out an angered huff as he trails after.

Their trek soon leads them out from the edge of the forest valley and facing the base of the tall, rocky mountain. After a short climb up its crag, the two soon come to the entrance of a cave. Inside the duo come to a stop, both facing away from the exit as Victor congratulates the witch with: “Oh wow! Holy shit! I can’t believe what you’ve led me to, Shen Mi!” Before them lay little more than the caverns dead end; Victor’s tone turning sarcastic as he finishes jesting with: “A fucking rock wall! Just a spectacular site! Truly, your navigation skill rival only your powerful magic!” “Ha, shows what little you know. To any simpleton such as you, this would appear to be nothing more than a dead end. But with a gifted eye for the arcane such as I, one can see past its simple illusion.” Prepared to demonstrate the truth in her statement, the sorceress hands begin to glow a shade of lime green; soon putting her magical palms up to her eyes. Opening the middle of her fingers to uncover her site, she casts her vision out to the dead end; revealing beyond its false rock a massive circular gate. Baring upon its ancient steel face be countless interconnecting swirls; blocky wings displayed above the swirls with all of it surrounding a smooth, reflective orb lying in the center of it all. “...Holy fuck.” Victor awes. “I know. Such a simple illusion can’t hope to resist my power.” “...I was going on about the door.”

“No matter. Did you at least remember to bring the key?” the witch asks him. “Tsk, hardly call it a key.” From that response does the demon dig into the satchel hanging off his shoulder, soon pulling out from its debts a rotting severed hand; its aged skin torn and struck with mold. “Still don’t know how some poor bastards jerk off hand is supposed to help us out.” the lime demon questions; the sorceress drawing the hand into hers. “Because, you crude oaf, this is the only biological remnant left of this civilizations existence. Do you know how long it took for the Alliance to find even a single trace of their corpses? Most of this long forgotten society’s remains have either been destroyed or kept away from even the most attune of eyes.” Shen Mi explains, Victor making talking motions with his mouth and hand.

The young Heylin witch then levitates the palm over her head; twirling her hands as she finishes mentioning how: “And at long last, those exhausting efforts shall pay off here and now!” Waving her glowing palms, her lime green magic soon envelopes the decayed hand; her arcane power beginning to bring back life into the corpse. From her enchanting power, Shen Mi rejuvenates the severed hand back to the living; soon hovering its palm over the gates orb.

The resurrected hand causes the orb to erupt a sea of colorful lights, both the demon and witch shielding their sights from the sudden flash. Once their eyes adjust to the heavenly glow; Victor and Shen Mi look to the gate once more; a rainbow of countless colors flowing through the etched swirls of the door. Those colors are soon drawn into the wings surrounding the illuminating orb held in the center; a cavalcade of brilliant lights illuminating the entire caverns behind the two. The orb dead in the center begins to crack; soon growing more and more fractured as the gates luminosity blooms. Finally, the orb shatters; the entire cave cast in a blanket of shadows.

The middle of the gate slowly begins to unveil; an intense glow floods out from the other side. Alongside the light, a primeval gale long forgotten by time bellows out; threatening to expel the duo out from the cavern. Though the demon is able to stand against the raging winds, the hovering witch fails to keep herself grounded; Shen Mi being careened away from the gate. In the midst of her forced flight, the sorceress feels something wrapping around her leg; soon halting her ejection altogether. He sorceress glances out to see herself being kept within the caverns by a thick bandage; the young witch trailing the wraps towards her demonic partner, who hold onto his wrapping tightly.

Soon, the bellowing air comes to a calming close; Shen Mi falling to the cavern floor below as the winds die down. The sorceress regains her composure and levitates off the rocky grounds; gazing ahead to see Victor stepping through the gate. Floating over to her demonic partner, she soon joined in his awe; both Victor and Shen Mi amazed by the wondrous site before them.

Dozens upon dozens of hovering structures overtake their sight that show their numbers to be as vast as the eye can see; taking the form of numerous geometric shapes that twist and bend into one another. All of them sat comfortably over a set of jagged rainbow crystals; some hovering right over the colorful stalagmite, other set high overhead. Set floating through the air spaces be revolving pillars; each piece of the spinning columns twirling in opposite directions. Sprouting from between the crystal below, twisting trees tower over the jagged ground below; some rivaling even the highest of buildings. Perched through their branches be plump fuchsia fruit baring black stripes that twist towards their bases. Above it all laid the bright blue sky, clear as day; countless animals, insects, even a few people could be seen traversing over the transparent ceiling, completely unaware of the shining city below them.

Taking in the overwhelming site all at once, a whistle passes between the demons lips; soon following with: “Hot damn, these guys knew how to make a crazy as fuck city. Bunch of twisting buildins and trees just towering over all this shit.” “Indeed. It’s certainly surprising how this glimmering metropolis has maintained such power and composure through out the countless millennia. Best proceed with caution in this case; their security may still be active.” “And what happened to being too powerful for fear? This place already makin ya shit yerself?” “Just wish to be careful with you at my side. It’s hardly predictable when your bumbling hide may trigger a trap and put us both at risk.”

The sorceress’s bratty insult causes the demon’s snarky attitude to sour; a low key growl escapes from under his breath before he wonder: “Where the hell should we look first?” Shen Mi’s gaze wonders towards the top of the gleaming city, the bizarrely shaped structures growing less cluster the closer they stand towards the top. “The crown of this city looks to be less cluttered than it bottom. It might be best to start at the top and work out way down.” “Sounds like a plan. Race ya!” Presenting this sudden challenge, Victor jumps up to transforms into a falcon; swiftly ascending over the witch and towards the top of the city. Though caught off guard by her partners sudden flight, Shen Mi chase after the green shape shifter.

In their rise towards the lost cities top, the duo skate across the hovering buildings smooth sliver sides; both trailing around the structures corners. Both swerve over and around several décor lying across their flight path; twirling pillars; orbs of foliage, statues depicting various men and women with twisted figures and bizarre body proportions, all of which the sorceress and demon weave through. The race soon leads them coming to buildings far more curvaceous and round; their reflections warping as they glide across across the silver surfaces. Morphing right from a falcon straight into a kangaroo; Victor leaps off the silver structures top and ascends towards the towering tree set along the side. Landing upon the tree’s twisted and warped bark, the green demon forms into an iguana and quickly starts scaling the spiraling wood;  the abstract buildings surrounding him slowly changing from silver to bronze. Soon, he finds his smug partner hovering beside him in his climb; a prideful chuckle escaping from her lungs before she pities him with: “It’s adorable how you think you even stand a chance outracing me. My skills in the arcane let me speed by even the fastest of jets. Observe.” Proclaiming such, the witch rockets away from the ascending demon; leaving behind a trail of lime green in her flight. Taking the shape of a hawk, Victor leaps off the twisting tree’s bark to pursues the ascending witch.

He finds the witch soon flying straight through a bronze circle planted along the side of a structure; the oddly placed ring sparking an idea in the demon’s head. Forming back to normal, Victor casts his bandages toward both sides of the ring; the wrappings firming enveloping their shinning steel. Once seeing his wraps holding onto the bronze, the shape shifter transforms into a hulking elephant; swiftly dropping down away from the ring. The demon see’s his newly formed weight starting to stretch the bandages; Victor biding his time until the moment was right. Wait for it…Wait for it.. Just when his wrapping were stretched to a string, the green shifter morphs into a daintily light rat; the sudden change in wait making the bandages fling their master through the bronze ring. In his swift ascension, Victor takes the form of a dove; his wings folded back as he begins rocketing towards the witch. Let’s see who gets outraced now, bitch.

In her flight, Shen Mi witnesses something white streak past; staring on as the pigeon sticks its tongue out at her. Turning back from the astonished sorceress below, the demon looks above to find himself ascending toward a lone structure; its boxed top smoothing out as it drops towards its bottom. Along the side of its bottom be a single hole making up the buildings entrance; Victor morphing back to normal as he careens right through.

Inside, Victor expects to land on solid flat ground and sticks his feet out; soon gazing down in alarm to find himself dropping towards a curved base. Shit! Can’t transform in time! In his flailing panic, the demon tumbles across the insides bronze bottom; eventually coming to a halt right in the center. Rising from the circular floor; he admits aloud how it was: “More of a rougher landing than I hoped. But...” Climbing back up to the way out, Victor peeks out from the hole and gazes down to the city below; shouting to his arcane partner that he: “Hope ya like the taste of defeat, because ya better get used to it!” “Should I?” Hearing a familiar voice at his back, the demon swiftly turns to find Shen Mi floating right behind him. “You fucking teleporting cheat!” “Cheat, me? Sorry, I’m not the one who didn’t set any rules before hastily taking off.” The sorceress poking Victors nose, she hears a quiet growl escape from his teeth.

After showing off her little victory, Shen Mi turns to gaze up towards the rest of the inside. “Now, lets see where we thrown ourselves into.” Floating up from the bottom of the bronze room, the witch find nothing bright blue platforms scattered throughout. Perched atop secluded ledges or hung across the curving wall; no other items or furnishings of any kind harbored within the room other than these blue boards. “Hmm. Rather peculiar decor set through here.” the witch admits. “Yeah, I know.” the demon below her states, leaping up towards one of the ledges. “Ain’t even a place sit in this brown shit hole.” Upon carelessly stepping onto the boards plainly flat surface; the platform beneath him glows a powerful bright light; said illumination rising from the board and flinging the demon up high. Coming back down, Victor is greeted with not the hard bronze floor; but rather comforting recliner. “The hell?” Victor looking to the comforter that he just plopped down onto, a bright smile beams across his face. “He-hey. Now we gettin down to business.” As he sinks into the chairs plush silk, a deep breath leaves past the demon’s lips. “Oh yeah. Forget the parlor tricks you pull. Now this is fuckin magic baby.”

Ignoring her demonic partners insult, the sorceress gazes upon his freshly formed recliner; her attention soon drifting towards a similar blue panel planted upon the curved wall. Hovering over towards the board, she slowly reaches her arm out to it; hesitating just a moment before tapping her finger on its blue surface. With just a single touch, the board shines bright blue; the light from it forming out before the Helyin witch. From its glow appears an asian inspired shelf with carved mahogany dragons acting as the supports. “Just like I pictured...” Closer inspection revealed the dragons along the ends having individually carved scales, making the sorceress add: “Even the details are correct.”

“No question about it.” she hers her demonic partner speak. Turning back, Shen Mi witnesses the green demon grab the new comforter by its base; declaring that: “This fluffy mofo comin home with me.” With all his strength, Victor tempts to lift the recliner from the bronze ledge; finding the chair harder to lift then he imagines. “C’mon…ya damn...chair...” Soon enough, the demon uproots his new favorite comforter from the floor; the sound of shattering stone echoing throughout the room. The victorious smile painted across Victor’s face quickly deflates upon witnessing his new recliner crumble in his arms; the stone blue pieces of the chair scattering along the ledge. Picking one of these pieces off the bronze floor, the demon watches as the shard turns to dust; the rest of the pieces following suit. “Ah dammit! The hell’s this stuff made of, anyway!?” “A question I’m curious of myself. Self constructing material is rather an extreme rarity now a days. Shame we don’t know a way to take it back with us. It’d be effective in slicing our research and development budget clean in half.” Throwing the dust of his destroyed recliner aside; Victor rises from the bronze ledge and wonders: “What else these guys got stashed in their closets.” Questioning such do the duo rise further through the abode; first chamber; ascending through a hole set along the ceiling.

While Shen Mi continues up the rising hallway, her demonic partner ventures away from her side from a fork in the hall. Best to just let him wonder for now. It’s doubtful that a small home such as this would have lenient security. Hell, at worst, Victor might just get himself stuck. Nothing that he can’t be painfully pried out of.

Cementing this in her head, the sorceress comes to a row of bronze buttons set along the smooth bronze walls; her attention baited towards one set at the very ceiling of the hallway. Curiosity taking her lead, the young witch firmly presses it; a hole forming from its middle that leads into another chamber. Floating within, Shen Mi found it to be structured a lot like as cylinder; proving to be smaller than the first room they entered. Strewn about the chamber be blue panels similar to said room, sporting numerous shapes and sizes. Hovering above the smaller one closest to the floor, the sorceress pictures the comfiest, most elegant bed of her dreams and places her palm upon its blue surface. From her touch, the board glows a radiant blue light; the glow reflecting across the shinning bronze chamber. The light soon starts to morph before Shen Mi’s very eyes; the heylin which relaxing over the transforming illumination. Feeling the boards hard surface soften like memory foam, a relaxing sigh leaves her lungs; but the same breath is swiftly cut off when she notices something amiss. Though the rest of her body feels the beds comforting bliss, her legs on the other hand touch nothing but open air. Rising from the mattress, the Heylin sorceress smacks her head against the beds top board; hissing from the unexpected blow. Warping out of the freshly formed bed, she takes a good look of what piece of furnishing she pictured. It looks exactly as she imagined it; lace drapes, dragon sheets, carved flames along the bottom of the frame, the design is perfect to be honest. There’s just one glaring issue with it all. It’s pathetically minuscule, rivaling the size of an infants crib. A result that the witch is not too ecstatic about.

Her frustrated gaze drifting away from the miniature bed, the young sorceress notices another button set in the midst of the curving wall. Floating over towards the bronze button, Shen Mi immediately presses it; the curved walls parting to reveal what seemed like a closet. Very little remained within this hidden wardrobe, say for a few articles of clothing floating along the side. Pulling one of these garments out revealed them to be nothing but simple robes; smaller than the witches own figure. What a dull eyesore. Judging from these horrid rags, this race must have been fashionably ignorant. Such garment aren’t fitting for even peasant’s skin. Held within her palms, Shen Mi ignites the foreign robes in a lime green blaze; the witch throwing the garment back inside the closet for it to burn.

Within another part of the abode; the green demon taps his beak upon a button of his own; a hole forming to reveal a small curving chamber tinier than the one before. Transforming back from a pigeon, Victor jumps straight inside to take a look around; the first site to catch his eye be three forming boards set along the sides of three curved openings. Aside from the one set over the circular mirror, the other two held piping attached to their base. Huh, guessin this place is a sort of bathroom. Just make whatever tub or toilet ya wanna piss in. Doesn’t really tell ya much on how these wierdo’s took shits; not like anything else in his bronze crap shoot. Practically can make anything with those weird morphing planks. Even freaky shit like-... These thoughts causes the demons wicked gears to rapidly turn; Victor approaching one of the boards with a devious giggle.

Hover through the bronze tunnels, the disappointed witch lets out a disappointed breath; her investigation through this home yielding little in terms of historical significance. Almost nothing except shape shifting furniture and hideously dull clothes hiding within this bronze dump. Still, its only one insignificant piece of this deserted city. There still could be some valuable pieces hiding among its cracks yet.

Along her gliding drift, a bright light coming from an open hole catches her attention; the witch floating over towards the source of the glow. No doubtingly that unholy moron messing around. Best tend to him before he winds up crushing his spine...again.

“Victor, seems there’s hardly worth anything within these wall. I suggest we move our search down towa-” she declares while hovering inside. In the midst of her proposition does the witch lay bare to an unruly site, causing a sharp gasp to escape from her lips. “Victor! What is the name of Hera did you do!?” “These transforming board things got my creative gears movin. Little bit of an artistic spark I’d call it. You like it?” Standing beside him be the statue of a bare ass that water floods out from between its cheeks; flowing down to a drain set between its legs. “Very mature, Victor. I’m sure your astounding masterpiece will join the ranks of the Venus de Milo.” After snickering upon the witches sarcastic praise, the demon adds: “Think its great now, just wait til you see what I’ll make of the toilet.” “Just quit clowning around and come on. We got a mission on our hands.” Shen mi demands. “Aw, do we gotta. Still got some stuff I wanna try.” “Now, Victor.” the witch commands. “Tsk! God, fine!”

Leaving the bizarrely built restroom, both the witch and demon drop back down to the bottom of the abode; Shen Mi ready to depart. Looking back up, the sorceress witnesses her demonic partner crawling towards a blue board hung along the wall. “Victor! Come on!” the sorceress orders. “Calm your tiny tits, kay? Wanna see what these assholes watch all day.” “The fuck did you say about my tits…” the witch whispers.

With a single touch of the demons finger, the board starts to emit a bright glow, soon forming out from the wall. Before their eyes, the growing board forms into a plasma widescreen; a small smile forming between the demons cheek. “We need to go.” the sorceress enforces. “In a second.” Victor insists, his finger reach for the button set along the TV’s side.

Right when the green demon pushes the widescreen on, a colorful multitude of bright lights emanates from the screen; accompanied alongside an ear piercing shrill. The harrowing screech bounces across the chambers bronze walls, the metal intensifying the shrill ten fold. Both Shen Mi and Victor cover their ears as the loud scream echoes through the room; the green demon plummeting down from the wall. Victor tumbling to her side, the young sorceress attempts to relay orders to her demonic partner; her screaming demands shrouded by the horrendous shrieks.

Hoping to end the audible agony, Victor rises from the bronze ground; departing his hand from his ear long enough to toss a bolt of lightning towards the screeching widescreen. The bolts course however is unexpectedly interrupted by a blue light; both him and his magical partner gaze around the room to find the forming boards going haywire and rapidly transforming into random, indescribable objects. Taking a second shot, Victor transforms into a giant spring and leaps out towards the ear piercing plasma screen. Ascending across the chamber, the demon swiftly changes into a narwhal; his newly formed horn aimed squarely towards the television. But again, his assault is spurned; a wayward piece of transforming light slamming back down towards the bottom.

Watching as her demonic comrade tumbles back to the curved bronze floor, Shen Mi takes matters in her own hands and rises from the shinning ground; warping away in a blaze of lime green flames. Teleporting to the top of the bronze chamber, the Helyin witch cast a ball of green flames towards the widescreen. Shen Mi soon finds her blazing orbs path tempting to be intercepted by the haywire forming light; the sorceress waving her hands about to redirect her flames path. The witch weaves her cast ball of fire through the rapidly transforming light surrounding her; the boards light drawing closer to both her and Victor. Thankfully, the sorceress enchanted flames strike the freshly formed widescreen; silencing it shrieking serenade once and for all. As its pieces fall to the floor, the forming light surrounding the duo slowly begins to withdraw back into the simple boards.

Uncovering his ears, Victor lets out a relieved sigh as he stands from the bronze flooring. Immediately after does he cast out out a bolt of electricity towards one of the blue boards; the panel shattering upon the bolts strike. “Sure as hell ain’t getting by ass kicked by some fuckin furniture.” “Well, perhaps they wouldn’t have fancied slamming you down like a pigskin if you hadn’t messed around with them like I ordered.” the witch scolds as she descends to his front. “Oh, gimme a break. How the hell was a supposed to know they’d scream bloody murder?”

“It might be a wise idea to skim past anymore of these home. Judging from how empty this one was, well likely not find anything worth a damn in the others.” Shen Mi suggests as she hovers towards the exit. “Aw come on. It can’t hurt to check a couple more of em. I wanna see what else I can make with these weird ass blue boards.” “Now, Victor. Don’t make me force you out.” the witch demands. “Pfft. Like to see ya try.” the demon whispers as he follows. As the two depart from the building, neither notice the board shards behind them glowing an eerie lime green; soon beginning to levitate off the bronze floor.

Descending through the hovering neighborhood of unconventional homes and unusual décor, the buildings surrounding the witch and demon begin to loose their bronze hue; their silver surfaces boasting more complex shapes and size the further they drop down. “So, do you even got a plan on where the hell we’re supposed to go, cause it seems like ya just flying down to whatever?” “Hmph, of course I know where I’m going. Though these sad excuses of abstract art boast no sign to speak of; their size and structure give away their significance. While the unimportant structures take the small form of pathetic regular shapes, the more noteworthy buildings possess much more impressive size and elaborate facilities.” “That’s a load of bullshit. You’re literally just guessing at this point.” “Perhaps. But it’s not too much of a risky gamble to bet on one thing. That the most remarkable buildings always hold the best stuff.” Near the end of her explanation, Shen Mi daintily lands upon a silver surface underneath; Victor having a much rougher landing in comparison. “Such as this one.”

The building they’ve just descended upon boasted a design of more geometric structure; the top sporting a point with a glowing halo set to the tip that draws in bits of light being drawn into it. The triad sides boasting angular corners that bend up and point towards the buildings top; their bottoms curving out until meeting back up dead center at the base to create a sharp tip. Held between the trio of rising points be an oval egg; the light from the halo pulsing through the surface like a heartbeat. The structure entire surface sporting a beautiful coat of shinning silver; the traveling light reflecting off the metal shell. “I’d wager a building this particularly assembled must hold some really good stash. Perhaps we may find some info on this city and the citizens it once held.” the sorceress finishes proclaiming. “And I wager that your full of shit. The only things were gonna find in that artistic nightmare is nothing but garbage and used dildo’s.” Upon that declaration do the duo leap off the side, gliding across the eggs pulsing silver surface as they swoop down. Both the demon and witch soon come to an oval hole set along side of the egg; Shen Mi and Victor swooping right inside.

While the Heylin sorceress floats in uninterrupted, the green demon proves trouble by the lack of solid ground; plummeting down towards the deep curving base below. Victor manages to save himself from the long drop with the help of his bandages, casting forth his wrapping back up towards the buildings entrance. The green demons binds hug the edge of the opening, halting Victors tumbling descent. Having saved his own rugged thick chops from falling flat on the shiny side of the silver platter, the lime green demon gazes back up towards his arcane partner in crime; finding the witch having hardly noticed his fall. “Way to warn me about the silver death pit, ya hoverin bitch! Course, it doesn’t make a damn difference to you, does it?” Though his ranting echo far, they draw not a single response from the sorceress; who simply continues to just hover in place. “Ugh, god dammit.” Victor curses as he begins to climb back up.

Swiftly ascending back to the buildings opening hole, the green demon looks back towards Shen Mi; questioning her if: “Your hearing going from all the magic crap in yer brain or what?” Again, his enchanted partner fails to respond, Victor seeing her doing little but stare out. “The hell you even lookin at any...anyway...” Finally sharing the witches site, the green demons speech stumbles to a halt; finding set before the two a wondrous site.

A boundless silver archive of massive white shelves stands before the two, hung in place by a web of piping overhead; the cases spiraling and weaving all through out the circular chamber. Bits of dazzling light flows through the pipes overhead, the luminescence traveling through the clear tubes and flowing right into the shelves. Within the enormous bookcases sleep countless sliver slates; individually coming alight in response to the glow intake. “God damn.” the demon utter. His arcane partner finally turns to Victor, a smug smile painted across her face as she wonders if: “So, does any of this look like garbage to you?” “Oh, don’t gimme that smug ass shit. That whole “the coolest buildings have the best stuff.” ain’t anything new. Any dumb ass with half a working brain can just explore a big as fuck buildin and find stuff. I on the other hand...” In midst of proclaiming this does Victor pull from his bag a fruit from one of the twisting tree’s outside. “Like to hunt for what I want.”

Just before Victor could take a bite of his plump fuchsia treasure, a lime green flame strikes the fruit out of his hands; the green demon glancing upon his burning grub splattered upon the silver wall behind him. Gazing back towards the witch, he finds her palm smoking lime green; Victor demanding to know: “Jeez! What the hell’s your deal!? You that pissed that I called ya out?” “You really should break the habit of stuffing your rancid mouth with whatever you find, else who knows when such a disgusting practice may spell your end.” “Oh and like you have any clue if it will?” Victor questions. All the witch could give as an answer was a vindicated grin; pointing over towards her demonic partners backside. Glancing behind him, the green demons anger quickly subsides when witnessing the result of the fruits splatter; its juices melting a fresh hole in the silvers surface. Victor looks back towards Shen Mi with a bitter glare; hearing the young sorceress chastise further with: “Seriously, try and keep in mind what you shove in your mouth next time.” Mentioning this does the witch glide towards the white shelves; Victor following as a quiet growl escapes fro his mouth.

Casting his bandages out to the piping above, the green demon swings through the library as his magical comrade slides her finger across the countless slates. Seeing Shen Mi halt her finger upon one of the slates spines, he withdraws his wraps from the pipes and lands upon a hovering cone table; four spherical chairs surrounding the counter. The young sorceress pulls the slate from the white shelves, revealing a translucent holographic page. “So, what do we got here?”Victor questions. “I’m not entirely sure.” Gazing upon the holo page, the witch finds nothing but bizarre symbols spread throughout the screen. “This doesn’t look like any language I’ve seen before.” she adds. “Think it might be alien?” “Perhaps. Though it hardly matters.” Turning over towards her demonic partner, the sorceress holds the slate with a single hand; boasting how: “No language in this or any other universe can hope to keep their secrets against my translation spell, no matter how complex or foreign it may be.”

Bragging such, she begins to demonstrate by hovering the holographic page overhead; her lime green aura enveloping the slate. Her confident sneer swiftly deflatse when seeing the tome start to violently tremble; soon overshadowing her magic in a white light. Right before her eyes does the slate suddenly explode; Shen Mi shielding herself from the flaming pieces. The sorceress soon hears the sound of crude laughter; gazing to her side to find Victor in a chortling fit. “And what are you finding so amusing?” she snidely questions. “Just the fact that your magic finally backfired on ya. Guess the arcane might of the legendary Heylin witch isn’t as great as she constantly bitches.” “My magic skill is always beyond par I’ll have you know. It must have been that stupid holo page. Probably has some kind of privacy protection installed on it. If the rest of them have it as well, then this entire archive is indecipherable. How annoying.” “Oh, of course. Nothin’s ever your fault, is it? You’re just perfect little magician, ain’t ya?” the demon states. “I am. And you prove to be a shining example of gentlemanly charm and boundless intelligence.” “...Fuck you.”

“Back on track. This archive has to have some form of info that isn’t encoded on these cursed tablets.” Drifting further through the shelves, her demonic partners follows with a vindictive glare; the table that Victor once stood upon unfolding its surface to reveal an eye.

Both the young witch and green demon fly through the libraries tight oval corridor; not a solid bit of floor to stand upon below them. Flapping his hawk wings across the silver hallway, Victors eyes soon lock onto another button lying across the reflective surface. Pressing this button with his beak, a majestic glow leaks out from the forming hole; enveloping the front of the demon with its luminescence. Transforming back, Victor stands on the holes circular base, beholding the source of the heavenly light.

Glancing back, Shen Mi witnesses her demonic comrade standing idle, staring upon a bright light like a dumbfounded moth to a crisp flame. “Hey, quit gawking and come on. We don’t have all day.” she orders. Right on that command, the witch watches the green demon leap through the hole; a groan escaping from her lips as she follows after. Gliding inside the curving chamber herself; the sorceress wonders: “Might I ask what’s got you so fascinated this...time?” The sorceress’s speech drags to a halt upon viewing the source of the luminescence; her mouth going agap upon viewing the answer to her question.

Before their eyes stood a pillar of multi colored lights; a spiraling cage surrounding the bottom of the column. “Damn. This make one hell of a backdrop.” Victor compliments. “It might not just be some meager backdrop.” Shen Mi corrects. Both her and the demon approach the stream of light; the witch tracing the symbols flowing down; recognizing them as the same kind of lettering from the tablet. “This must act as a constant feed of information, flowing down through those pipes over the shelves and distributing them down into those slate. The question being what kind of info its gathering?” Victor climbs up to the opening of the cage, proclaiming that: “Only one way to find out.” This claim makes the sorceress turn to her demonic partner, witnessing him lift his hand back over the pillar of light. “Wait! Don’t! You’ll-” Before Shen Mi could warn him any further, Victor pierces his entire arm into the illuminating column. From the pillars rainbow like glow does the demon begin to shake uncontrollably; letting out an agonizing wail as his eyes shine a brilliant light.

Swiftly acting upon her partners rash stupidity, the witch attempts to pull him out from the stream with her magic; soon finding her powers failing to retract him from the column. Finding Victor screams growing louder and his eyes glowing brighter, Shen Mi rams right into him; successfully uprooting his arm from the illuminating pillar. Both her and the demon tumble down the curving silver surface, coming to a halt upon the chambers base.

Victor and Shen Mi slowly begin to stand from the reflective floor; the green demon clasping the sides of his head as he lets out a weary groan. “Have you lost whatever mind you had left in your head!? You don’t just shove your hand in a constant flowing pipe of info like that! Do you want you head to explode!?” the sorceress chastises while rising in the air. “Nrr...Quit screamin so loud. This headache is a monstrous bitch.” “Ugh…Did you at least see anything worthwhile as you were deep inside it? Anything at all?” “Not really. Just a bunch of random words and pictures forcing themselves in my head. Think a good half of it might been porn. Definitely saw some dicks in there.”

In the midst of pondering his visions do both of them hear the slow blare of an alarm ring throughout the chamber; green demon covering his ears from the noise. “Ah! Come the fuck on!” “Just grab onto me to so we can teleport out.” the witch commands. “Fine, whatever. Get me outta here already! Victor complies, grabbing hold of his arcane partners shoulders. The green demon holding onto her, Shen Mi closes her eyes and lets her magic flow through both her and Victor; the witch picturing the floating buildings outside.

The green demon however sees not a single ember of the witches flames in site, Victor urging her to warp: “Anytime now, sister. Tick tock.” To the demons pushy statement does the Heylin Sorceress open her eyes once more; her shocked glare beholding the silver surface of the chamber. “I-...We’re still in here?...We-we should be outside by now...Why aren’t we outside!?” “I don’t know? You tell me.”

Shen Mi’s panicking is swiftly put on hold when both of them realize the curving floor beneath them begins quivering; the demon nearly loosing his footing from the trembling silver. Transforming into a pigeon, both Victor and her arcane partner ascend to the middle of the room, finding the entire chamber trembling; soon witnessing bubbles beginning to arise from the boiling surface. These bubbles soon take the form of what looked to be floating turrets, firing bright symbols towards the hovering duo. Shen Mi blocks the oncoming alphabet with an arcane shield of lime green; the symbols explosive power failing to outmatch the witches magical defenses. Victor on the other hand flies and weaves his way through the barrage of bright letters, glancing back to witness them explosively collide with the silver surface behind them; the smoke parting to reveal the chambers walls holding not a single scratch. Fleeing from the firing turrets, both the sorceress and the demon swoop right out of the bright pillar of light’s glow and takes off down the hallway.

Zooming through the tight oval corridor, a burning question racks against the young sorceress’s mind. “It doesn’t make any sense. My magic skills are beyond all measure. I should be able to teleport out of this bucket of worthless nonsense with no problem!. What’s happening!?” “Chill out bitch. You can have your little panic attack after we bail. Keep focused!” With these words does the witch shake away her panic and confusion, keeping her eyes to the tunnel ahead. Those same eyes see the halls side start protruding large sharp blades that tempt to block their escape. Both Victor and Shen Mi swerve through the countless silver swords as more pop out at the seems.

In his evasion, the green demon witnesses a pair of swords to his front attempt to halt his flight; knowing that stopping is all but wise. Dashing towards the swords, Victor quickly morphs into a tiny mouse ans squeeze right by; feeling not a single sting of their blade. Having passed through the metal gap, the green demon takes back the form of a falcon once more.

The witch’s flight proves to be less of a struggle, blasting through the countless blades with her green flames. In her dash, she soon finds a pair of silver swords threatening to pierce her in a pinching assault; their sharp tips inches from her shoulders. In a blaze of lime green, the sorceress warps out of danger; the twin blades crashing into one another with a sharp ting. Appearing in front of them, Shen Mi continues through; looking upon her palms as she’s relieved that: “Ah, thank Hera. Nothing’s wrong with my magic. But still, what’s keeping us in here?” That moment does an idea pop into the sorceress head, a devious smile stretching across her face. Without so much as a word, Shen Mi dashes towards Victor and snatches his feathered ass right out of the air; soon warping both him and the witch out from the hall of growing blades.

Reappearing between the silver shelves, the duo warp atop the hovering cone table; the sorceress dropping the demonic bird upon the tables polished surface. Transforming back to normal, Victor rubs the spot on his back his arcane partner so hastily seized; letting loose a groan as he mentions: “Thanks for the warning, by the way. Really sweet of ya to nab by feathered ass outta nowhere.” Alas, Shen Mi pays little attention to the green demons sarcastic remark, the witch’s attention baited towards the library’s ceiling. Slowly coating the massive archive from within be a growing cyan barrier; the field inching to trap the two inside by encroaching towards the exit. The sorceress wonders how such a measly barrier troubles her teleportation magic so; the growing cyan wall daring to disrupt her magic and attempting to halt their escape. “Ey! You even listenin? That shit hurt!” Victor wonders. “Come on, we gotta leave now.” the Heylin sorceress orders before dashing away. “Fucking bossy bitch, just ignoring me.” the green demon whispers as he forms in a hawk to follow. As both bolt towards the exit, the table they took off from begins to tremble; its surface opening to reveal a turquoise eye that stares out towards the departing duo.

In both Shen Mi and Victor’s flight towards the exit, the duo witness the cyan barricade growing ever closer to their escape; threatening to entrap them within this accursed archive for all eternity. Threatening to delay their leave, the silver table and its chair zoom right by the two, the witch and demon witnessing it block their only exit as its chairs encircle its side. Revolving around the table, the chairs soon protrude out curving blades from its top; the sharp swords aimed right at the intruders. “Finally, things are starting to get fun.” the green demon declares. “We don’t have any time to mess around. If that barrier closes, we’ll be trapped.” “Jeez, fine. Quit being so fuckin snippy.”

Swiftly dashing away from his magical comrades side, Victor takes charge towards the sentient silver table; trading the form of a hawk for a horned ram and pointing his horns forward. The horned demon slams into the turquoise eye with a hearty tackle, pushing the silver table away. Alas, his retaliation is cast aside; the teal eye launching Victor away with a powerful shove and throws him over the lime green spell caster. Careening through the airs of the archive, the green demon transforms back to his original form and tossing his wrappings towards the piping above. Once his binds have entangle the clear tubes, Victor swings across the silver library. Sweet hell and a half. Piece of furniture’s tougher than it looks. Gonna need something heavier to slam into it with. But how to drop down on its silver ass? Pondering such, the demon’s site soon rises to the top of the silver shelves; finding their roof lead all the way back towards the exit. The gears in his head turning, a devilish smile stretches across Victors face.

Amused on how the table threatens her with its dangerous chair blade, Shen Mi can’t help but admit allowed: “Hm hm hm hm. It’s honestly adorable how this tacky piece of furniture thinks it stands any chance against me.” Enraged by her stinging mockery, the teal eye casts its clawed chairs out towards the young sorceress; responding with: “And that’s just simply adorable.”

With two of the bladed chairs swiftly approaching, the Heylin witch possesses their flight path with her lime green aura and flings them overhead; tossing a ball of flames and blasting the two seats to pieces. After taking care of them, Shen Mi soon witnesses the other pair of seats speeding towards her sides; daring to threaten with a pinching assault. In response to this feeble counter, the young sorceress erects two portal between herself; swallowing both seats in their swirling green space. Having engulfed its chairs within her portals, the witch looks back towards the teal eyed table with a devious smirk. Shen Mi reopens her lime green portals between the defensive piece of furniture, crashing its own sharp chairs down upon the silver table.

Caught in the daze its own seats have caused, a loud call echoes out from above. “Time for the smack down, mofo’s!” Both gaze out towards the roof of the archive, witnessing Victor jumping from the top of the shelves as he transforms into a heavyweight rhino; his white horn aimed right towards the tables eye. Shaking off its dizzy spell, the teal eye attempts to flee from the descending demon; soon realizing a lime green aura keeping it in place. Glancing towards the Heylin witch, it finds her glowing palms aimed right at its surface; the table hearing her sarcastically wonder: “Now what’s the hurry for?” Ensnared within the sorceress’s magic grasp, it fails to escape from her lime green grasp; soon succumbing to Victors slamming onslaught. The green rhinoceros hammers the living table against the curved silver surface, both him and the shinning counter descending down in trail of scrapping sparks.

Rising from the silver furniture wreckage, Victor morphs back to normal to dance upon the gleaming tables remains; laughing upon its destroyed corpse. “Ah ha ha ha ha ha! You really thought that a piece of fucking furniture could beat the shit outta me!? You thought wrong bitches!” “Hey!” he hears his arcane partner call. Disrupting his fresh as fuck dance moves, the demon gazes above with an irritated glare; hearing the witch bitch continue with: “Can you stop making such an ass of yourself for one minute so we can bail. If this cyan shield close in on us, we might not make it out-”

Right in that moment does the descending pieces of broken chair fall over the complaining sorceress; the demon watching as both her and the seats debris crash down onto the smooth silver surface Oh shit! Having witnessed Shen Mi’s unexpected plummet, Victor rushes towards the crash site; hoping that her head injury wasn’t too severed. Please don’t be dead. Please don’t be dead. Please don’t be dead. Please don’t be dead. Please don’t be dead. Throwing the seats remains off her body, Victor lifts the sorceress off the silver floor; hearing a weak groan escape from her lungs. Oh thank god, she ain’t dead. Drake probably wouldn’t take it all too well showing back up only to say: “Hey, hate to break it to ya. But your sister’s kinda caught a bad case of head fracturing death. All well, she was kind of a bitch anyway, who the fuck cares?” He’d probably wind up shoving his foot right between the old intestines and colon in the midst of his shit fit.

Though relieved that his partner still lives, he has yet to relax; gazing back towards the exit to witness the cyan barricade threatening to close in. Transforming into a mighty pterodactyl, Victor rockets towards the exit with Shen Mi in his talons. Despite his wings being swift, the barrier starts showing to be swifter; beginning to close up the open hole leading outside. Boasting one final flap, the green demon transforms into a minuscule rat; riding along the witch’s careening body. Right when the door was on the verge of shutting them in, both him and the unconscious sorceress slip right through just before cyan barrier closes.

Dropping out from the library’s entrance, the demonic mouse holds onto Shen Mi’s dress as tight as he can; the Heylin witch plummeting deeper down into the glimmering floating city. Come on, wake up ya sleepin bitch. No better time to spring back awake and stop up from crashing into cold hard silver. In the midst of wishing such does Victor find them swiftly falling towards a silver trapezoid structure. Ugh, fine. Have to do every thing, huh? Releasing his mousy grip from the sorceress’s garbs, the green demon transforms into a vulture and swoop down towards the descending witch. Soon grabbing hold of his unconscious comrades arms, Victor pulls up; gently landing down to the silver surface below.

After saving his arcane partner from crashing down into the sharp corners of the silver structure, the green demon transforms back to look down upon Shen Mi; starting to see her awaking. Opening her eyes to Victors gaze, the sorceress lets out a painful groan; rubbing the top of her head and questioning: “What the hell happened?” “You got bonked on yer noggin by a chair and I had to carry your unconscious ass out.” “Oh, is that all. Don’t think that makes up for your blunder. We got a lot of city to cover, let’s hope your slow hide can keep up.” she informs whilst rising from the floor. Watching as the witch starts to drift away, all that the demon could do was just stand there, dumbfounded over her words.

After a vindictive growl, Victor finally speaks out and shouts: “What the hell is your problem!?” Halting in the middle of the air, the witch turns back towards her demonic partner and asks: “Pardon.” “I flat out saved your sorry ass and I don’t even get a single thanks! Just more shit talkin from your fucking bratty mouth!” “Well, perhaps if you hadn’t started it all by sticking your hands where they don’t belong, I wouldn’t need saving; maybe you’d be worthy of actual praise.” “God! That’s what I’m fucking talking about! I’ve been out here, helping your enchanted ass this whole time with searchin and fightin while you’ve just been doin nothing but berate me on how fucking stupid I am and how much of a magical goddess you are.” “Tsk, as if you’d call that help. As far as I’m concerned, you’ve been causing nothing but trouble while I’ve been doing all the work. Back in the bronze abode with the TV and tripping the alarm in the library.” the sorceress quickly reminds. “Oh, as if your not above makin mistakes; like over at the gate when you nearly got blown away cause you wouldn’t stop floating, or not destroying the chair completely before it smacked against your skull? Honestly, you’re more of an egotistical asshole than Drake is.”

Upon that comment does the witch begin to approach Victor, demand for the demon to: “Don’t you dare compare me to my incompetent brother.” I’ve spent countless years honing and perfecting the magical craft ever since I was a mere toddler. Growing so powerful that my mother entrapped me within a mystic puzzle box in fear I would surpass her. I’ve accomplished arcane feats the likes of which people like you can only dream of doing. That’s way more than what some orphaned freak can muster!”

The last insult takes the green demon aback, silenced by the personal jab as his eyes start to well with tears. He soon break from his hurt gaze and puts on a far more furious glare and says: “You know what…” Victor turns away from the young Heylin witch, proclaiming to her that: “Fuck this, I ain’t putting up with this shit no more.” Watching the green demon stomp over towards the edge of the silver buildings, she demands to know: “Where do you think you’re going?” “Somewhere where I don’t have to deal with your bratty ass bitchin in my ears all day. Gonna just go find shit myself.” Declaring this, the demon jumps off the edge of the roof; the young witch screaming that: “Fine! I don’t need your dirty ass around anyway!”

After the heated confrontation, Shen Mi turns away from where the demon dropped off; her gaze scanning through the city site floating under her. Honestly, the nerve of him. Does he not realize how much of burden he can be? He should count himself lucky to have such a gifted sorceress as a partner. With this in mind do her eyes lock towards a golden spiraling tower with a ring surrounding the middle; surging white light coursing down through the gold. A devious smile stretches across Shen Mi’s face, knowing exactly how to prove such.

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Back again with another Alliance episode. I swear this one won't be as needlessly long as the last one.

Shen Mi and Victor belong to: @princesscallyie

[bthump]

I have a very bad question. I was talking to this berserk fan online telling them why I think griffith is gay and he has desire for guts and they asked me a question which I couldn't fully answer . If griffith has sexual desire for guts why did femto go after casca and not guts? I mean there was nothing to keep him away from that if he was gay and wanted to hurt guts. And he could have make casca watch. I played with the idea of griffith wanting to bottom with guts but somehow it doesn't add up

while I can’t exactly blame anyone for reading Berserk and assuming that all the monsters and demons are just going to just automatically rape anyone they feel attraction to, cause like… look at Berserk lol, it’s worth bearing in mind the actual circumstances under which Griffith transformed into Femto.

A major motivation for making the sacrifice was to escape his life ruining, epic despair causing feelings for Guts. To be fair this isn’t directly stated, but Guts was the source of his despair, the parallel to the Count’s story in the Black Swordsman arc makes escaping feelings and burying his heart a pretty obvious aspect of the sacrifice, his last words were “you’re the only one who made me forget my dream,” and after he transforms he’s pretty hilariously smug when he claims not to care about Guts at all.

So like, if he then turned around and expressed those human feelings that ruined his life, even if it’s in a new, evil way, that kind of defeats the point of transforming into a demon in the first place.

Femto and NGriff’s establishing acts of villainy (in the Black Swordsman arc and on the Hill of Swords) are telling Guts he doesn’t give a fuck about him lol. Practically his whole raison d’etre is refusing to acknowledge any feelings for Guts so he can focus solely on his dream. I got into this a bit more just a few days ago actually, if you’re interested.

And to get a little more theme-y, Griffith’s narrative is about being torn between his dream and his feelings for Guts. The dream signifies a lot of negative shit, like emotional repression, self-loathing, and hiding his real self behind an image. His relationship with Guts signifies the opposite of all that - emotional expression, potential to not hate himself through Guts’ affirmation, and showing his real self to someone and being accepted for it. So when he chooses the dream over Guts by sacrificing Guts for the dream, he becomes the embodiment of all that negative stuff. He becomes repression and self-loathing.

And if Femto/NGriff still felt feelings for Guts except now twisted and evil and predatory or w/e, that would change the meaning of his narrative, and the themes of the story in general. It’s important that his relationship with Guts represents a more positive and healthy way of dealing with your feelings. Trying to get rid of those feelings is what makes him evil, and whatever remnants of those feelings exist, they’re still the least evil part of him - like we see when he lets Guts escape.

And like, ok, the actual real answer is probably that Miura is writing a manga published in a straight dude magazine for a straight dude audience and therefore the gay subtext always has been and probably always will be just subtext, and frankly, a gratuitous + eroticized scene in which the villain rapes the hero’s girlfriend is what’s going to appeal to that audience moreso than the protag they project on getting raped. I mean just look at the marketing for the 3rd ova lol. It’s a selling point. Plus it’s Miura’s way of writing out Casca. I don’t really think he put that much thought into the motivation behind Femto raping Casca beyond that lol, it feels almost entirely thematically irrelevant to me and p much just there for shock value and a cheap demonstration of evil.

But yeah whatever Miura’s actual intent with all the Eclipse bullshit might have been, it still makes perfect sense to me that Femto didn’t rape Guts.