#no matter how she changes or how she forgets

[heartmix]

forgiving means acceptance - CL16

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x fem!reader

Word Count: 1.6k+

Summary: She always loved when people remembered the little things about her, but learned to let that go with Charles. Even as far as letting him get away with forgetting the most important date

Warning: hurt to comfort, happy ending, charles lowkey bad bf, forgetting anniversary, sadness, anger

A/N: if this was me this shit would not fly...good thing it ain't. Wasn't going to end it happy but my last CL fic was angst so i decided to make it have a happy ending

F1 Masterlist / Masterlist

In previous relationships, you were always one to stress the little things. Good morning and good night texts, remembering your order from your favorite restaurant, and even making sure to put down the toilet seat lid when they were done using it. Everyone who took the time to get to know you knew how you adored and stressed the little details. That all changed when you started dating Charles. 

You knew the challenges of being an F1 driver and being the unofficial Prince of Monaco at that. Agreeing to be his other half meant that you agreed to the lifestyle of it all. This relationship was going to be intense and unlike anything you had experienced before. 

In the first few months, you tried to remind him of the little things and how much it mattered to you. After some time had passed, and trying to show that the little things mattered to you, the reminders fell through. He did try, and he listened, but he was doing so much at once that the little things were never important to him. One thing you learned about him very quickly was that he was the bigger picture type of person. At first, you were a bit annoyed with it, but seeing more of his day-to-day, you've learned to let it go. 

It wasn't like he didn't love you - he absolutely did, and he made sure to tell you that every day. At times, you wondered if he did. Words meant nothing if actions didn't back them up. He should know better than anyone - he could say the team was going good, but if there were no podium results, then that was all for nothing. 

At first, you were angry at him for not paying attention to what you considered important. Then that anger turned into sadness. Many nights, the worries got to you, and you would stay up thinking if he loved you like the way you loved him. You always paid attention to the little details when it came to him and did your best to cater to his love language. Now it was a year later, and you found a way to be numb to it. You still loved him - that hasn't gone away, but after missing your anniversary, you knew that you should fully let go of him ever catering to you. 

It was hard to hide it from the people around you. They noticed how you wouldn't get upset at the man for forgetting things or missing a lunch you had planned. That alone raised some eyebrows, but they let it go, seeing how much you loved him and he loved you. They would think otherwise if they knew he forgot your anniversary two months ago. 

"Hey, what did you and Charles do for your anniversary? Jake and I are coming up on our one year, and I don't know what to do." Your best friend asked while on FaceTime. You were currently in Canada for the Canadian Grand Prix - you figured you'd kill some time while waiting in Charles' driver's room so you both could get something to eat before he needed to be back to reviewing data. 

"Oh, um.. He took me to dinner at this fancy ramen place while we were in Japan." You nervously came up with something on the spot. It wasn't a total lie. The day of your anniversary coincided with the Japanese Grand Prix weekend, and you did eat Ramen, but it was dinner with his brother, Arthur, as well. 

"Well shit not like I can fly to japan for a simple dinner, but maybe we can go to the place we first met." She thought out loud, making you smile at the thought of her putting a lot of consideration into the special date. Romance was still alive and well for some people. 

"That's honestly, really romantic. I say that's the best date."

"Aw, thanks, babes. Hey, I need to go, it's almost midnight here." 

"Please get some sleep - I'm going to grab something to eat and I'll text you when we get back to the hotel. I love you."

"I love you too, Bye!" As soon as the call disconnected, your smile dropped. You hated lying to her, but you would rather shield your feelings away than have your best friend hate Charles for the rest of her life. 

It wasn't like you meant for your smile to drop. It was natural at this point to put on a persona when talking about you and Charles. Quickly, you shook away any doubts, knowing Charles could walk in at any time. You didn't want him worrying about you when he had a race weekend to focus on. 

As you were getting up to collect your things, to find him, there he was waiting by the door with a frown on his face. The thought of him overhearing your conversation didn't cross your mind. The first thing you guessed was something with the car or the team. 

"What's wrong, baby?" You walked up to him, seeing if you could search in his eyes if he was angry or frustrated. Instead, you found sadness and disbelief. 

"I missed our anniversary?" His voice was soft, borderline broken. There was no way he forgot, did he? 

"Don't worry about it - it was a race week, so it's okay." You tried to reassure him, squeezing his hands to let him know it was okay and you weren't mad at him - not anymore at least. 

"No, it's not okay. How could I forget? Why didn't you tell me?" It wasn't an accusatory tone, more like why didn't you say something, get mad at him, cry, or anything. Why didn't you react in any sort of way? 

"You won in Japan and your first win of the season, how could I take that away? Our anniversary wasn't important at that moment." 

"You're wrong, it's more important. What kind of boyfriend am I not to put you first?" He was now getting mad, his voice rising and his tone harsher. Not at you, just at the circumstance, at himself. 

"Racing is your life, it was there before me."

"But you're my future. You shouldn't have let me get away with missing something that important or anything that's going on. I'm so sorry, mon cherie." He pulled you in for a hug with a kiss planted on top of your head. It was to reassure him more than you. 

"It's okay, it doesn't affect me anymore." Sensing you weren't telling the entire he pulled back, looking at you unsure. There was something deeper, and he knew.

"Stop lying to me. Tell me what's going on." 

"I'm learning to accept that not everything is going to be catered to me. Walking into this relationship, I knew what I signed up for. Your fast life doesn't accommodate my needs. But that's okay, I'm learning as I go."

"You've got to help me here." He asked, still not understanding what you were trying to say. 

"I was always the type to stress the little things. The little gestures are what make me the happiest. Like remembering my order from my favorite restaurant or texting me goodnight when we're not seeing each other for the night. I've learned to let it go early on, and I understand how busy you are, so because I've let that go, I've let everything else you do go." The confession felt all over the place, but relieving, it was bottled up for months, and now that it was finally out, it made you feel just a bit better. 

"You let me forgetting our anniversary go." He clarified with the utmost sadness in his tone. 

"Yeah. I know it wasn't because you didn't love me. I know you do. That's why I learned to let it go." 

"Do you ever do that again. I don't care how busy I am, I forget how fast things go, and sometimes things slip. I shouldn't even need you to remind me. Not only for our anniversary, but for things that make you happy. There isn't going to be a next time, but please yell, hit, scream, do anything because I will not accept anything less. Not when it comes to you." He let it all out in one go, and you couldn't help the smile that was forming on the corner of your lips. 

"Okay." You didn't know what else to say. It was everything you wanted to hear, but now you're speechless. 

"Okay, as in you're going to ingrain in my mind everything you deem important. Okay, as in you will yell at me next time. Do it in front of the garage so everyone will give me shit for it." You couldn't help but laugh at the seriousness in his voice. You knew he wanted the team to take him seriously, so him telling you to basically humiliate him was something you didn't think would come out of his mouth. 

"I don't know about the last part, but okay to the first part." 

"I can settle for that." He smiled one of his million-dollar smiles. "So here's the plan. I'm going to win this race, then you and I are going to Greece for a small two-week break. About time you live your mamma mia dreams."

"You remembered?" Looking at him in shock that he remembered your dream vacation spot. Sure, maybe the standards were low at this point, but you were still taken aback. 

"Oh, I'm not that bad of a boyfriend."

"You did forget our anniversary." You teased, making him roll his eyes. Now that he knew the truth, you were going to weaponize it every chance you could, but he didn't mind one bit. 

"I deserve that."

"But Greece sounds great."  You clarified, making his smile widen. 

"Good because I will continue to make this up to you for the rest of our lives." 

[chrissssssmut]

can i request cheater idol wonyoung x male reader whose hopelessly inlove with her, wonyo just wont break up or let go of him but kept on doing him dirty and mc being the lovesick fool he is and kept on forgiving her at first he was so heartbroken by it but then just cant let go of her too so in the end he just pretend he dont notice

YOU KNEW AND STAYED ANYWAY

Wonyoung x Male Reader

tags: angst, cheating, emotional manipulation, denial, poor reader

Your phone vibrates at 1:38 AM.

Again.

It’s her. Of course it’s her.

Wonyoung:

“Open the door. I forgot my keys.”

You stare at the text for longer than necessary. Not because you're surprised she’s coming back this late. You’ve long stopped being surprised. It's the fact that you're still here. Still waiting. Still hoping.

The front door creaks open, and she walks in like she owns the place.

Because she does.

Not the apartment—but you.

“Hey,” she says casually, kicking off her heels like she didn’t just spend the last seven hours God-knows-where with God-knows-who. Her lipstick is slightly smudged. The scent of some foreign cologne clings faintly to her dress.

You don’t ask. You just stare.

“Don’t look at me like that,” she sighs, brushing past you and heading to the bathroom. “It’s late. I’m tired. Can we not do this tonight?”

Do what, exactly?

You sit back on the couch, chewing the inside of your cheek. Your knuckles are white around your phone. You could ask her. You should ask her. But the words don’t come out. They never do. Because the truth? You already know.

She’s fucking someone else.

Probably more than one person.

And yet—you still love her. God, you love her so much it makes your chest ache.

She returns in a hoodie—your hoodie—and curls up beside you on the couch like nothing’s wrong. Like she didn’t break you again. Like she doesn’t keep breaking you.

“You waiting long?” she mumbles, burying her face in your shoulder.

You hesitate. “...No.”

She hums softly. “You always wait.”

“I always will.”

She doesn’t reply. But the corners of her lips curve up into the smallest, most dangerous smile.

It wasn’t always like this.

Back then—when she was still new to the idol scene and you were still her secret—she looked at you like you were the only person in her world. She'd sneak into your place after practice, laugh about her members' quirks, cook ramen at 3AM, kiss you with ramen breath and her hair in a ponytail.

She used to text you first. She used to ask if you ate. She used to hold your hand under the table during press dinners.

But now?

Now she barely replies. Sometimes you find her liking thirst traps on Instagram at 2AM. Sometimes you catch glimpses of the same guy’s name over and over again on her notifications. And sometimes—on nights when her makeup is too perfect and her perfume is too strong—she comes home too late, too quiet, too satisfied.

You asked her once. Only once.

“Are you seeing someone else?”

She laughed. Not a cute laugh. A cruel one. The kind that told you she knew just how far she could go without losing you.

“Why?” she said. “Would it matter?”

You didn’t answer.

She leaned in, pressed a kiss to your lips, soft and slow. “Thought so.”

You wake up alone. Again.

She’s already gone, her side of the bed cold.

On the kitchen counter is a Post-it. You wonder if it’s an apology. A goodbye. Something meaningful.

But no. It just says:

“Don’t forget to do the laundry :) - W”

Smiley face and all.

You want to scream. Instead, you fold her clothes, cook her lunch for later, and wash the sheets that still smell like her and him.

Because you’re not just her boyfriend anymore. You’re her placeholder. Her doormat. Her background character.

But that’s okay.

If it means she comes home to you—even if it's just to sleep in your bed after fucking someone else—then it’s enough.

You lie to yourself every single day.

And maybe that’s the worst part.

Later that night, she walks in like nothing’s changed.

“Did you eat?” she asks, kicking her shoes off.

You nod.

“Good.” She flops down on your bed. “I’m exhausted.”

She doesn't ask if you slept. She never does.

You crawl into bed beside her, pretending you don’t notice the faint red mark on her collarbone. Pretending her lipstick isn’t a different shade than the one she left with this morning. Pretending the name ���Minjun” didn’t just pop up on her phone before she flipped it face down.

She turns to you, half-lidded eyes, lazy smile. “Can we cuddle?”

You want to say no.

But instead you open your arms, and she slips into them like nothing ever broke between you.

Like she didn't shatter you into pieces and hand the biggest chunk to another man.

You hold her anyway.

Because it’s easier to hurt quietly than it is to say goodbye.

Weeks pass.

She grows colder. Bolder. Stops lying. Starts coming home less. You don’t even ask anymore. You just know.

But you never leave.

You tell yourself it’s love. That deep down, she loves you too. That someday she’ll change.

She won’t.

One night, after hours of silence, she turns to you in bed and says it flat-out.

“I cheated again.”

No tears. No excuses. No shame.

Just a statement. Like saying the weather’s nice or the sky is blue.

You blink.

She watches you, like she’s testing how far she can bend you before you snap.

But you just smile.

A small, broken, hollow thing.

“I know,” you say softly.

Her eyes narrow. “You knew?”

“I’ve always known.”

A pause.

And then, with a voice too calm for the way your heart is cracking open again:

“But I love you, Wonyoung.”

She doesn’t respond right away.

And then she laughs—quiet, almost incredulous—and kisses you on the forehead.

“You’re insane,” she whispers. “You’re so fucking stupid for loving me.”

You smile, eyes wet, chest hollow.

“Yeah,” you whisper back. “I know.”

But you hold her anyway.

And let her break you.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Because to love Wonyoung is to suffer—and you’ve decided it hurts less than letting her go.

WONYOUNG’s POV:

You don’t remember when it stopped being love.

Maybe it was after the first tour.

Maybe after the first guy.

Or maybe it was the first time you realized you could lie to him, and he wouldn’t leave.

That night still plays in your head sometimes.

The taste of another man’s mouth still on your lips, sweat still sticking to your thighs, and him—your boyfriend—opening the door at 2AM like you were just late coming home from the studio.

“Hey,” you said, tossing your heels to the side.

He didn’t ask where you’d been.

He just let you back in.

And that’s when it clicked.

He wasn’t going to leave you.

Ever.

At first, it was guilt.

You'd come home from someone else’s bed and scrub yourself raw in the shower, trying to rinse off the lies. You’d curl up next to him and stare at the ceiling, wondering how the hell you ended up in this mess. You never meant to hurt him.

But he made it so easy.

He’d cook for you, hold you, kiss you like you weren’t full of sin.

Like you were still the girl who used to fall asleep on his chest during movie nights, back when your biggest secret was dating in the first place.

But now?

Now it’s different.

Now you walk into his apartment smelling like another man and wait for him to notice. To yell. To fight.

But he never does.

He just looks at you with those tired, glassy eyes and says, “I love you.”

You wish he wouldn’t.

You thought about breaking up with him. Once. Maybe twice.

But every time you tried, something stopped you.

Was it guilt? Attachment? The convenience of having someone always waiting for you?

Or maybe…

Maybe it was the power.

The way he looks at you—like you’re God and he’s just some pitiful worshipper who can’t stop praying even after the miracles stop. There’s something addictive about it.

You could ruin him.

You are ruining him.

And he just takes it.

Smiling.

Bleeding inside.

Still cooking you breakfast the next morning.

You test the limits. You show up late with smeared lipstick. You “accidentally” leave your phone unlocked. You come home in different outfits than the ones you left in.

He sees everything.

And he says nothing.

Sometimes, you think he wants you to destroy him.

Sometimes, you think you want to see how far he'll fall before he breaks completely.

And sometimes, in the rarest, darkest parts of your heart—you think maybe he already has.

Tonight, it’s worse.

You fucked Minjun in the studio. Didn’t even bother changing your clothes. He didn’t last long, but that’s fine. It’s never about the sex anyway. It’s about proving you can.

You unlock the door to the apartment and see the lights off. Just the soft glow of the bedroom lamp slipping beneath the door.

He's already in bed.

You move quietly. Not because you’re afraid to wake him, but because part of you wonders if he’ll even care you’re home.

He doesn’t turn around when you slip under the covers. Doesn’t ask where you’ve been. Just lies there, facing the wall, silent.

You stare at his back for a long time, the heat of his body an arm’s length away. Close, but distant.

And suddenly—you don’t know why—you say it.

“I cheated again.”

Your voice cuts the air like a razor. Cold. Honest. Final.

You expect him to stiffen. To sit up. To scream.

But he doesn’t move.

“I know,” he says softly, still not facing you.

You blink.

You knew?

“I’ve always known.”

He rolls to face you then, eyes tired but not angry. Just... defeated.

And when he says, “I love you, Wonyoung,” you want to punch him for it. Or cry. Or disappear.

Instead, you laugh. It comes out bitter. Mean.

“You’re insane,” you whisper. “You’re so fucking stupid for loving me.”

He just smiles.

“Yeah,” he breathes. “I know.”

And then he opens his arms.

And you go to him.

Again.

Because for all the people you could sleep with, for all the lies you’ve told and the games you play, this boy—this broken boy—still chooses you.

And maybe that’s why you keep coming back.

Because if he can’t stop loving you…

Then you never have to admit you don’t love him back the same way.

[namfinessed]

party 4 u - k.th.

genre: angst, fluff, soulmates!au (6.7k)

summary: every year on your birthday, you throw a big party and every year on your birthday, you wait for taehyung to show up and every year on your birthday, taehyung shows up, only to disappear after. but he always comes back, he always comes back.

note: this story doesn't have much dialogue, it's very much focused on the internal thoughts of the main character, it's quite focused on the feelings and not the plot. nevertheless, i hope you guys enjoy as always and that you feel something when you read this <3

-

there are very few people who actually change your life and when they do grace your life, they tilt your world on in their direction and you can't think of anything else but to follow them, you can't ever avoid the inevitability of someone becoming a part of your life.

you knew from the moment your teacher introduced your best friend on her first day in school, that she was going to be important.

you knew from the moment your first ever date said that he didn't like to give or recieve flowers, that you were going to get hurt.

you knew from the moment you met taehyung, that he was going to change your life.

but when exactly that would happen?

you were yet to found out.

that's why you're sitting here, chewing on your freshly done nails, in a dress that made breathing difficult, with glitter trailing your arms and legs and a blingy crown sitting on your head, waiting for his message to come through.

"you know, he's not the only one coming," your best friend, lisa, snickered, a balloon in her hand and you threw your head back, "is it bad that i only care about him coming?"

lisa wondered for a moment, "a little bit but crushes are unreasonable like that," she shrugs and starts walking away but you're already getting up to follow her.

"it's not a crush! i told you, i don't care about him that much," you huff, trying to smirk but lisa side-eyes you, "did you hear yourself say that you only care about him coming or did i imagine that bit?"

"i'm just...curious," you shrugged and she sighed, "whatever you say."

you didn't know how to explain to her, the itch, the longing, the excitement of just catching a glimpse of his hair, his face, his anything.

but you also wanted to tell her, he wasn't everything to you, not yet but right now, your world chose a new orbit to rotate on, and he was the orbit, you were the star.

you were still the star.

you were turning 21 today for god's sake.

-

within the next hour, your tiny apartment had people crawling on every corner, some were making out, some were drinking their asses off, some you actually liked and some you knew nothing about.

there was no sign of your orbit and you tried not to feel like you've been plummeted in the dark of space.

"let's cut the cake!" lisa cheered, clapping loudly to get everyone's attention and everyone erupted in cheers. at once, you were the shining star in this room and everyone's eyes and hands pushed you towards your kitchen island.

you saw your cake.

a pink heart with two sparkling '2' and '1' candles on it.

and you tried to tell yourself that it didn't matter that taehyung wasn't here, you would drink enough to forget about him by tomorrow.

but you still looked, all the way from the entry to your apartment to the people who crowded in front of you.

nevertheless, you stepped forward to your cake and forced yourself to smile as big as you could because people still showed up to celebrate you.

so, you had to shine.

you had to be grateful.

you were grateful.

but their voices drowned in your ears and their faces all blended together.

when the lights dimmed and everyone's not-so-meliduous reindition of the 'happy birthday' song floats through the air, your face lights up with the candles and you hear a new voice.

a new, clear voice that cuts through everyone else's and that's when you know that he was here.

so, you look up and there he was, standing among the crowd but standing out as if everyone else didn't exist, a clarity in a haze, and he meets your eyes.

your orbit.

was here.

YOUR orbit.

was here.

you smile at him clapping and singing the song and under his gaze, you feel your body fold, feel your knees weaken and your heart thunder just a bit.

when you blow out the candles, you are acutely aware of his eyes on you and you feel like jelly on legs.

but you blow the light out and look up as quickly as you can to see him, savour him.

in the darkness and chaos, he stands still and mouths to you 'happy birthday, sweets.'

your orbit.

was here at your 21st birthday party.

the party you threw for him.

and you shined the brightest when he smiled at you as everyone else's claps faded into white noise.

-

feeling taehyung's attention on you always left you feeling like a fresh wound opening in front of him, as if he could see through the layers under your skin and directly touch the tender parts of your soul if he wanted to.

but he always kept his hands to himself, even if you wanted them desperately on you, even if your tender parts ached and beat for him.

"quite a party you have here," he hums and you're struggling to believe this is reality.

you are 21.

you are in a room full of people.

you are backed into a corner with taehyung leaning on the wall next to you.

you are with taehyung.

you don't know how it happened, how it started, if you stepped to him, if he stepped to you, if everyone else saw it too, if everyone else could see the galaxy growing between you two.

it always felt as if gravity pulled your bones and nerves towards him and it always felt right when you were perched next to him.

you wanted to scream, 'i did this for you!' but you smiled modestly instead, "you didn't see lisa's 21, it was way, way wilder than this," there were broken bones, and confetti was found in the corners of your house for weeks.

he laughs a little, eyes growing close and his laughter runs like a hot wire through your spine.

"i think even if i did, i would like this one better," taehyung raised his eyebrows at you and you couldn't help it, you asked even if you knew the answer, "why?"

"because here, you're the birthday girl and i get to see you in this crown," he laughs again, fingers poking at the bling sitting on top of your head and your chest compresses when he runs his fingers on the edges of it.

the birthday girl part, you expected.

your crown, not so much.

and it suddenly felt more present on your head than it was before.

"i told lisa that it was a bit much," you self-conciously touched the tip of it and he frowned, "what? no, it looks...good on you."

but you could see he was biting back a few words.

"you can't be serious," you shake your head and taehyung smiles, "well, don't believe me but don't take it off, it's very you."

and you don't know what takes over your brain.

you imagine his compliments in your ear as you wear a white dress and he wears a crisp maroon suit.

his whispers of 'the rest of my life, with you, in your heart and you in mine' as your veil dragged behind you.

you shake it off.

it was dangerous.

possibility.

potential.

you couldn't dwell in it but you couldn't ignore it.

so, you talked instead and he met you, word for word, expression to expression, face to face and sometimes, body to body.

"i miss what dating used to be," he takes a swig out of his cup, and you lean in, a moth to his flame.

"what do you mean?"

"things used to mean something, you know? people used to want to know each other and fall in love at the same time. now, everyone wants a full report on the other person but refuse to fall in love," he sounded...frustrated and tired, and a part of you ached for him and yourself and your generation.

what did this mean for you?

was he just tired or tired and not open to anything at the moment?

why were you holding up the wall here if he didn't want anything?

but taehyung wasn't like that.

he couldn't be.

"that's true, it's like you can also love someone in the process of knowing them, instead of waiting for something to come up that ticks you off and leave them but you know, there is someone for everyone," you continue and he nods fiercely, eyes widening and body relaxing next to you.

and you relax too.

taehyung can see that you have something, he can see that he's yet to change your life, that he owed your instinct that satisfaction.

"people only love when its convinient for them now, when it's convinient for them to fall, be affectionate, caring, no one wants to show up when shit hits the roof but you're right, there is someone for everyone, just can't be sure who is who anymore."

you wonder who burned him for him to speak with so much venom and your heart that dropped and picked up during his whole speech, dropped solidly to the ground.

you want to shake him and tell him, 'i'm not like that! i'll stand with you between the heavens and the earth, will you love me?'

because you're dramatic like that, a bit obsessed with bridgerton and the regality of love, and you think he might like that part of you.

you hope that he would like that part of you.

then, his phone buzzes. he excuses himself and turns away to talk, you wait impatiently for his eyes to look at you again, to have his full attention again.

but then he turns around with a small pout and you try not to let your heart sink further.

"i just gotta go for a few minutes," and you're already nodding and smiling, but your heart's beating from 6 feet underground, and you're saying that it's okay, "but i'll be back! i promise, like 20 minutes and i'll be here again," he rushes to explain and you nod again, with even more understanding and enthusiasm.

because you're cool like that.

"that's totally fine, let me see you out" you walk with him till the door, watch him put his shoes on, try not to laugh as he slips a bit trying to put his shoes on, and laugh anyway when he narrows his eyes at you.

he laughs with you before his eyes completely soften.

"happy 21 sweets, you look beautiful and so does your crown," taehyung's finger brush once again on the edge of bling, a flash of amusement and endearment flash in his eyes before he leaves with his head down.

you're left with red cheeks and a hand that unconciously brushes on the silly tiara on your head.

he doesn't come back.

lisa takes your hand and drags you out of the apartment after you wait for an hour on the sofa.

but your hand still reaches for your tiara throughout the night and you still want to tell taehyung that you might just be his someone.

-

21 faded like everything else.

it was filled with heartbreak, hope, but mostly, just heartbreak.

because taehyung never returned in your life fully.

he came and went.

a handsome smile during sunset on a hill.

across the hood of his car, where you laid, watching you and your body getting bathed in light that made you look like you came from above.

driving back to your house where you lingered near the door until his car disappeared down the road.

zero messages or calls from him after.

and you were here, turning 22 and an invitation in the form of a casual text message that was unread by him. sat heavily on your phone.

as casual as the message was, so were your feelings.

they really were.

they had to be.

and this time, you were grown anyway, you weren't a princess with a tiara.

you were an angel with wings that could rival a victoria's secret model.

because you could be turning 50, but you would still pull up with the drama of a paegant queen, this was part of growing to you, getting to be everything your kid self would find super cool.

"hey, baby," a familiar strong aftershave scent engulfed you from behind and nuzzled it's nose into your glitter-spilled neck.

yes, you had a boyfriend.

yes, it was terrible that you were waiting on someone else.

but no, you didn't love him.

you didn't hear wedding bells nor could your eyes flash the tiniest bit of a veil and a suit when you were with your boyfriend.

somehow, that was all reserved for someone who couldn't even answer your text.

so, you nuzzled back, you cheered with your friends and you thought, life has so much to see, life wasn't just taehyung.

and you partied.

hard.

for hours.

until your knees shook with every step you took, until your lips were swollen from the kisses your boyfriend stole, until you walked into the bathroom and smiled stupidly at your reflection.

22 fucking rocked.

but then, you got out of the bathroom, humming, a skip in your step and your boyfriend had his tongue down someone else's throat, someone else's lip swole as he swallowed them whole.

and you watched.

you waited for your world to crash and burn.

you waited for your stomach to drop.

you waited.

for something.

anything.

to know that he meant something to you.

but you couldn't even conjure up a single tear for him.

"baby?" his voice was as if in a tunnel and it echoed all around you but didn't quite reach you.

"baby, it's not what you think, she's just an old friend," he was still talking and somehow, lisa appeared in the fuzzy borders of your eyesight.

"i knew it! i fucking knew it, the second i saw you looking at her, i fucking knew it! how dare you? how could you, on her birthday? seriously, is thi-" and it was all too much.

lisa's voice.

his voice.

his whining.

your own breathing.

just too fucking much.

so, you walked away, lisa came behind you because she was good like that, because she was your friend, because you would follow her to everywhere too.

but you held a soft, shaking hand up, the alcohol suddenly feeling like it took your feet off the ground.

"i just need a minute, alone. i'll be out, i'll be back, okay?" and her eyes softened, but she didn't know.

she didn't know that you were still thinking of taehyung.

would he ever do something like this to you?

and with that thought, you stumbled out of the bar, loose-limbed and free from a ridiculous man that you would regret dating.

you had to thank the girl who kissed him, she took a load off your hands.

you sat on a ledge and rested your head on the wall, the vibrations from the music in the club bounced off your head but you enjoyed it, you tapped your feet to the beat and let yourself just be.

then, you heard arguing.

shouting, actually.

and you peeked.

because, who wouldn't?

but you regret it immediately.

on the sidewalk, just a couple feet from you was an angry taehyung and the girl with swollen lips.

yes, that girl with swollen lips.

fate was funny.

maybe cruel to taehyung right now.

but to you, it was hilarious.

you watched in mild amusement and not-so-mild jealousy as she tries to hold him, tries to console him, tries to kiss him (which had you curling your fist at nothing), and all the while, taehyung looked at the road behind her.

then, she yells at him.

"this is because you never stepped up! this is because of you, not me. i tried to be a good girlfriend but you never even tried to be a good boyfriend," she wailed at him, eyes turning glassy and jaw quivering.

which was interesting, because ten minutes ago, she was kissing the lips you had kissed for four months.

you waited for taehyung to do something.

but he was a tree, unmoving, hands shoved deep in his pockets and that had your respect for him skyrocketing.

she was shaking her head at him, hailing a cab and soon, it was just taehyung on the street, bathed in moonlight and you didn't even try to look away.

heartbroken people shouldn't have looked as good as he did.

no one should look as good as him.

"sweets?" his voice sounded as his nickname for you.

sweet.

surprised.

warm.

and.

so fucking soft.

why did he call out to you like you were the only person his voice changed for?

"hi, taehyung," you swallowed and everything you waited to feel, rained down on you like stars falling from the sky and hitting your head.

maybe your kid self wouldn't find the sick yearning in your throat, your chest, your stomach, knees and ankles, super cool but you agreed with your kid self on this.

this wasn't very cool.

it wasn't very cool to feel everything from one person calling out to you nor was it cool to watch him with eyes that were practically dripping with love.

it was irrational.

stupid.

but taehyung comes to stand in front of you and offers a strained smile and you don't want to be anywhere else in this world.

"nice wings," he muses, and you shrug, delighted that he noticed them, "it's a birthday thing."

a look of realisation passes on his face.

he doesn't panic to explain that yeah, he forgot but remembered that it was your birthday.

instead, he smiles, larger, brighter and whispers, "happy 22, sweets."

"or should i just call you angel?" you scrunch your nose at him, pretending to be annoyed but you really didn't like angel, you would only like 'sweets' from his mouth.

he laughs at you and the sound always made you feel so proud.

like hello world, look what i can do? i can make the man i love laugh, i can make him feel joy, i can light up his life, and even for just a second, i own you world.

"what did you do today?"

"broke up with my boyfriend," a spark of hope passes quickly in his eyes.

"same here."

"i saw."

"oh," taehyung looks away, scratching his neck, "i didn't mean to, i was just here," you explained and he nodded, "yeah well, it happened."

"she was kissing my boyfriend, actually," you didn't need to tell him, but you wanted to.

"what a coincidence," no emotion played in his tone.

"you can beat him up if you'd like, he's inside," you point towards the club and taehyung laughs, but it was cold, detached, "my girlfriend, well ex now, kissed him back so i can't exactly blame him."

"that's right too," you shrug, leaning your head back on the wall and ignore the stabbing need for more words to come out of your mouth.

you wanted to say so much more.

you wanted to ask if he remembered the hill, the car, the sunlight and mostly, you wanted to ask if he remembered you in all of it.

but you didn't.

because if he forgot, you wouldn't know how to live with that.

"i'm sorry about not calling you after that day."

that day.

that sacred day.

you actually expected him to act as if it never happened.

"which day?"

because you like to make him squirm sometimes, because you know that he knows that he's left you hanging not once, but twice.

taehyung laughs a little, shaking his head, "all the days, i should've always called you back, is it too late now?"

what a stupid question.

your life waited for taehyung, it was never too late for him.

your heart climbs up your throat, down your tongue and hangs right at the edge, waiting for him to take it.

"no, not late and well, i'm here now, talk to me," you wish you could say that your desperation wasn't obvious but when taehyung grins at you, you know he's caught it.

the soft centre of your soul for him opens up again.

he holds his hand out and your wings close around you in the wind of the night.

you don't think you could've done anything else in that moment except take his hand and walk away into the night.

-

"happy 23, sweets," taehyung's voice in your ear and his kiss on your temple, beat everything else in the world.

you were 23.

finally.

with taehyung by your side.

you weren't in an pageant-level outfit, you were in his t-shirt, his shorts, in his bed, with the clock blinking red with 12:00.

but you had your old tiara, a bright eye-hurting pink wig, a new furry sash, and a full face of your best makeup on.

because you still had to be dramatic, it wouldn't be your birthday without atleast a little bit of flair.

and taehyung was here, arms wrapped from behind you, his scent, his softness, touching you everywhere your skin screamed to be touched and you melted.

because this was what you waited for.

you were never wrong with your gut feeling.

you were never wrong about taehyung.

that night, when you walked away with his hand in yours, you didn't know where you would end up but you always hoped it would be here, with wedding bells ringing in your ear everytime he smiled.

"i was hoping to see you somewhere," taehyung had said, hands scratching the back of his neck with a sheepish smile and you raised your eyebrows at him, "and ignoring my text would've helped you, how?"

and he had laughed, "i don't think you realise how scared i get."

it was a loaded answer but with no real explanation.

"with what?"

"you."

"you're scared of me?"

"yeah."

"seriously?" you narrowed your eyes at him and taehyung squeezed his eyes shut in delight.

"i love when you look at me like that," taehyung smirked after and you almost stumbled onto the road.

"like what?"

"like you don't believe a word i say, like you can see right through me," he hums and you swallowed down the words, 'i do see you, i see you, i see through you, i see around you, all i want is for my eyes to have you in front of them.'

"that doesn't explain the scared part, taehyung." you said instead, casual, cool, unbothered but your stomach furled and unfurled like a wild cat in heat.

"it's true!" he threw his hands up in the air, and you scoffed, "that's a lame excuse to not text me back, taehyung."

not so casual, not so cool, not so unbothered but you couldn't keep it in you anymore.

and maybe he noticed the underlying exhaustion your tone held, the exhaustion of your hope slowly burning out over the year.

taehyung knew he had messed up but he never could guess if you cared about him messing up or not.

so, he bit the bullet.

"you terrify me," and his words were softer, laced with the kind of vulnerability that was addictive, it was as if watching the flowers of his voice slowly bloom in front of you.

"how so?"

"because, every other person, i can fake something with, i can fake a smile, my feelings, and i'm okay with that. it doesn't make me sound like a good person but it's easier to fake that stuff when you know the other person isn't in it for anything serious," maybe he noticed he was rambling, taehyung took a deep breath, let out a tired laugh and smiled at you.

he poked at the frown forming between your eyebrows, and his touch bled into your skin, making it liquid, suddenly your skin could be anything taehyung wanted it to be.

"my point is, when you look at me, i don't want to lie or fake anything, even if that's easier, i just want to be me and i don't know, well, i don't know if you'll like that. i've always been okay with casual relationships, but if it's you," he looked up at you, you sucked in a shaky breath, the world suddenly spinning uncontrollably in front of you.

your wings fluttered around you again, the wind closing in on the two of you and you waited with wide eyes and a tight throat for taehyung to finally tell you something real.

he was either going to break your heart or have it forever.

"if it's you, it can't be casual, i can't be casual and that's," he looked at you again, as if he couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth, as if he's buried them so long ago that them coming out made no sense.

but there taehyung was, making your face warm and red.

"that's terrifying, y/n."

and knowing that you scared him, shook whatever foundation he was always comfortable with had you gleaming with confidence.

"do you want to do it scared?"

his head snapped up at you, eyes zeroing on your face to search for any signs of teasing or joking.

"because i'm scared too, and whenever i see you, i feel like everyone else doesn't exist. i'm scared but i'll do it, if you do it," there was no going back, there was no hiding behind your phone and texts and invitations.

there was only your torn apart body and your bleeding soul, that waited for him, that was always waiting for him.

he had stepped forward and kissed you then.

he had smiled and told you that he would do it.

the wedding bells rung then.

your gut screamed at you, 'i told you so!'

and taehyung did it.

he loved you while he was scared, not perfectly but he did it.

but 23 was still 23.

and you were still people, imperfections and fights and all.

but right now, the birthday candle in front of you flickered and threw it's light onto taehyung's face.

that night, he whispered to you, "do you remember you told me that there was someone for everyone? you were right, you are my someone, and i hope you're my someone in every life."

and the wedding bells kept ringing.

-

five years passed painfully, quickly.

but slowly enough for a ring to shimmer on your finger.

you and lisa had drifted apart.

you didn't remember the face of the man who cheated on you.

your pagaent-level outfits were old news.

taehyung was old news.

at least, that's what you told yourself.

because there was a man holding onto your waist with a tighter grip than you'd like but you smiled and let it go.

taehyung had touched you gently, but he hadn't stayed.

your friend from school, edward, had stayed.

it helped that your families were the ones to bring you together.

"and there she was, just beautiful and i knew i had to make her mine," edward said proudly to a room full of people who swooned and clapped, he smiled down at you but your stomach didn't jump, your skin didn't tingle and your heart shriveled.

the wedding bells still didn't ring with edward even if you were set to marry him in nine months.

but they would soon.

they had to.

he was the rest of your life.

"but you know, some taming was required," he whisper-announced and you wanted the ground to swallow you up but you laughed instead.

"either way, i'm glad she's mine, i love her and i can't wait to live the rest of my life with her," his eyes always glimmered but it was never with love.

it left you feeling confused.

because they sparkled.

so, it had to be something good?

but lately, his eyes made you sick in the stomach.

"love you more," you kissed his cheek, and his fingers brushed the ring on your finger.

"why don't you take it off before dinner so that you don't lose it?"

it was always like this.

the sweetest words he ever told you, were loud enough for the rest of the world to hear but the words only you could hear, were hardly ever sweet.

when he sees your face fall, his eyes shut exasperatedly and he forces a smile, "i just don't want you to lose it."

"i only lost your sunglasses that one time, edward and i even paid you for it, so can you leave me and my ring alone?"

"it's my ring too," he argued, eyes narrowing but when someone claps him on the back, edward smiles like the world's shining on him and he's once again the charismatic and easygoing guy you first liked.

then, he walked away with that person.

and you finally breathed again.

he was going to leave you.

not now.

not anytime soon.

but when you're older, when you have more wrinkles, when you're not as glamorous anymore, he was going to find someone younger and leave you.

you maybe had 10 years for that to happen.

you sighed.

if it weren't for your family introducing him to you, you never would've met him, and you never would've been...whatever you were now.

you left the room too.

and the bathroom was somehow a worse place to be.

it was just you.

but it also wasn't you.

your hair laid neatly with curls at the end, not one strand was out of place.

your eyeliner was thin.

your blush was a light mauve.

your lipstick was an appropriate brown.

you were wearing a knee-length skirt and blouse, both in dull colors.

and it was your 28th birthday.

28 fucking sucked.

but no one in the other room cared about that, no one brought you a cake and a candle, no one cared that you were 28 today.

even you didn't.

today was your engagment announcement, not your engagement announcement and your birthday.

edward had said it would be special to celebrate but he hadn't even bothered with acknowleding your birthday today.

you guess, this was just 28.

maybe 29 would be better.

or worse.

maybe you were wrong about taehyung then.

maybe you were wrong about everything too.

but you would still grow an year older and the world would still rotate.

several girls entered the bathroom with bright dresses, glitter all over their faces, dyed hair and they all laughed amongst themselves.

you were seeing yourself, from a couple years ago in women you didn't even know and a part of you ached for who you were.

you were your own person, you had your own likes and dislikes, you wore smoky eye makeup to class just because you could and now you were here, bland and drowned out.

you stared at yourself with more pity than you'd like on any other day and pushed the door open again, plastering on a polite smile and forcing yourself to get through...the rest of your life.

you blend into the crowd seamlessly, having perfected this routine, this dance of polite but not boring, entertaining but not crass, beautiful but won't claim it out loud.

you were what he said you were, tamed.

and soon, everyone became another face in the crowd, another person to greet and another person to look good to, to not embarass edward.

speaking of edward, you looked for him in the crowd, and when you found him, you wish you could say you were surprised.

he was whispering to a younger girl and laughing obnoxiously loudly at something his friends were saying.

at your engagement, he had the gall to kiss her cheek too.

your eyes met with his.

he looked back at you with that glimmer that you now realise is pride.

pride at having succeeded in molding you into whatever he wanted.

he changed you, tamed you and still didn't like you, still would choose someone else but he only wouldn't because you were the easier choice, you were already molded to fit him.

you hated that shape of you now.

you couldn't remember anymore, why you ever liked him.

years of him by your side and one look from across the room had you coming to the realisation that yeah, you could smile, fake it, be with edward, have a fine family, be a hot divorcee, you could do it all.

but you don't want to.

you won't.

you walked over to him and his hands immediately reached out to grab you.

you placed the ring in his open palm, "i guess this was always really yours, i can't do this, have a good life."

and you hear his angry shouting but you don't care enough to turn back, you know that he wouldn't if he found someone else, hell, he wouldn't even chase you down the hall.

your stomach twisted with pride, embarrassment, fear and grief.

you looked at the finger where the ring had been.

a deep, angry and red imprint glared back to you.

you should've known it then, the smaller ring size, the engagement announcement on your birthday, the constant taunts telling you to tone down, calm down, be less of yourself.

but edward was also old news now.

and you had to start over, all over again.

at 28.

but then you pass one person by.

just one person.

who you would recognize even from outer space.

and you stop.

right in the middle of the room.

you stop.

and your shoulders fall.

the relief you felt coursed through you in waves.

the relief that came from knowing that you were never wrong about taehyung.

you could be wrong about everything else in the world but never him.

he would always come back to you and you to him.

your organs all dropped, after being hung from strings for so long, everything in your body relaxed and fell back into their place.

maybe at 28, you won’t have to start all over again.

you knew that just a couple steps away, he paused too.

and when you turn around to see him, there's no surprise at all, there's no stiffness, there's no small talk, there's nothing except sweet, sweet relief.

there is only silence with unsaid words echoing in it, there’s only eyes that scan your every inch, there’s only longing and regret and mourning pumping through every cell in you.

'there you are.'

'where have you been?'

'why did you let me drift away for this long?'

but your eyes drop, it was painful to see him, it was always at least a little painful to see taehyung because you couldn’t believe he existed, that he was real, that he was once yours…or still was.

"you came back to town?" is the only thing you can whisper.

he had left for a job.

there were many tears.

lots of arguments.

lots of screaming.

you had tried long-distance for an year or two but that only made you hate each other, you had broken it off amicably, you were the one who called it, you wouldn't have even dreamt of that possibility before, that you would ever let him go.

but you did and nothing dramatic happened but soon, you were out of each other's lives.

but you two.

you never are out of each other's lives, are you?

at least, not for too long.

"just a couple days ago," he swallowed and his voice dropped your shoulders further.

you felt sleepy.

dazed.

cradled.

just from being around him, you felt like more of yourself.

you felt 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, and every other age that you held him close to your heart, which was apparently also 28.

"for good or?" your guarded heart asked.

"for you, and for good, yeah," taehyung grinned, struggling to meet your eyes, and the hand with the ring imprint on it, flinched next to your body.

“you knew i’d be here?”

“lisa told me.”

she was invited, she was in a different city but she was always invited.

you had to call her, kiss her, thank her, tell her you missed her.

you had to call so many people.

“am i late again?” he stared at the imprint.

you wanted to say yes, that he was late, that because he left you, you had to suffer for this long, you had to fall in love with someone you didn’t even like, just to forget him.

but you also just wanted to be held again.

because you knew it wasn’t his fault or yours.

and your body was calling to him.

"not too late,” you said instead, hoping that he sweeps you off your feet, squeezes the life out of you, and fills your ear with sweet words that were only for you.

taehyung’s fingers twitch, and you watch as his face goes from resignation to his fate, to hope, soaring hope.

you watch each other with amused smiles.

look how terribly our lives are tangled, even when we walk from each other, look at how we find each other.

“what are you going to do about it, taehyung?” you ask, because you wanted to run away with him and never look back at anything.

“do you love him?” the question throws you off balance but you had the answer.

"i did once, yeah but not for a while, not anymore," you whisper, rubbing the spot where your ring used to be, “it never felt like it was my ring.”

it also never felt like it was your life.

then, he touches you, not explosively like you wanted but tenderly like you needed.

his fingers reach for the back of your hand achingly slowly and they brush your skin once, twice and he doesn’t grab, he holds.

“i came back for you, i had to leave but i always knew i would come back for you.”

“even if i was with someone else?”

“you and i both know, that we are written in the stars,” that one sentence put together everything your gut had been telling you for years, that this was it, he was it, “no one can stop us, not even us and if you let me, i would love to love you all over again.”

and the wedding bells rang.

but this time, it wasn’t just your wedding that you could imagine.

it was everything.

you imagined him twirling you on a hotel room floor on your wedding night.

you imagined looking up at him from under a veil and feeling like you did everything right in your life if you ended up next to him.

you imagined coming home to him after an exhausting day at work.

you imagined waving goodbye to your kids as they left for school.

you imagined tracing the wrinkles on his hands as his hair grew white.

you imagined kissing the top of his grave.

you imagined lying next to him, in this life, the afterlife, and every other life.

so, you do what you wanted.

you pull him forward and bury yourself into his body, molding your body to fit him, the shape you always liked.

and this time, you knew he wasn’t going anywhere.

how?

because your body just knew, your heart just knew, they had known since you were 20 and they still knew now.

and taehyung moves away only to plant the softest kiss on your temple.

“happy 28, sweets.”

[ye4gerism]

Family Vacation W/ Jotaro

☣︎ - in which you want you, jotaro, and baby jolyne take your first trip as a family. jotaro’s a little hesitant to take jolyne anywhere as she’s so little but a little bit of reflection changes his mind.

content tags headcanons, post part 3 but WAAAY before part 4, domestic life, black reader friendly

author’s note i’ve been doing a jjba rewatch and just finished the stardust crusaders arc and i miss writing for jojo. also, i’ve been getting a lot of attention on my very few jotaro hcs, so it must be a sign to come back.

When you proposed the idea of taking your nine-month-old daughter to Disneyworld, Jotaro started to question whether you had truly lost your damn mind.

⠀ ★ “She’s a baby. What is she going to do at Disneyworld?” he asks when you bring it up. “Well…she could meet her favorite characters, ride a few light rides…we could even ask your grandpa and mom to come and make it a whole thing.” You know he wants to say some snarky bs from the unconvinced look in his eyes but instead he sighs. “I’ll think about it.”

At first, he was going to tell you no; a trip to Disneyworld from Miami would take about three and a half hours by car. Now, don’t get him wrong, he loved his baby but a three-hour car trip with little Jolyne sounded like a punishment. And you wanted to bring Joseph and his mom? Forget it.

But he didn’t forget it - he thought back to his first trip: it was his first trip to America after his fifty-day journey to Egypt. He missed a little bit of school and had to get a few grades up while managing his grief and the questions he still had about…everything. He was turning eighteen within the next month, and although he defeated his family’s greatest enemy, he wasn’t so sure about what to expect next.

His grandfather had gotten word of his state and planned a short vacation to Disneyworld. It didn’t make anything in Egypt go away but it further strengthened his relationship with Joseph. It later became one of the places he took you for a date when you met during your first year of undergrad. He reasoned with your want - it’d be the perfect place to take Jolyne.

Jotaro doesn’t ever actually tell you that he’s agreed to take you and Jolyne on this trip. It was a trip to CVS that made you realize this was actually happening.

⠀ ★ “So…I’m not understanding why Jolyne needs a passport,” you say, “I thought she wasn’t doing any traveling.” You’re both looking at the photos your baby took. It was a lot of effort but you managed to get some good ones. “Well, I figured if Jolyne does a good job at Disneyworld, we could take her to Japan next. You know, so she can see how I grew up and learn a little bit about her roots,” Jotaro says casually. You don’t say anything, confused by everything he just said. “If she does a good job at Disneyworld…?” And then it hits you, “Jojo, are we going to Disneyworld?!”

He makes it a whole thing by not only getting you passes to the park but he also paid for you to stay at the Contemporary Resort during your trip.

Although you didn’t do many thrill rides, he enjoys watching Jolyne’s excitement on the Kilimanjaro Safaris, her joy when she met Cinderella, and how her eyes light up at the SpectroMagic show at Magic Kingdom.

⠀ ★ The morning after your last day, you start your journey back to Miami. “It was a great trip right?” you try to egg him on, “You know you love that place.” He chuckles. “It gets a little pricey but…watching Jolyne…price doesn’t matter that much.”

[svnscape]

𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐔𝐄 | reflections — the series

— jeju-do: year 2028

the sun was slowly rising up, seagulls and multiple other birds you’ve never gotten the chance to learn of their names, now chirping and spreading their wings, welcoming this new summer day.

you dug your feet deeper in the damp sand, the soft and runny particles sneaking around your toes and enveloping the top of your feet followed by the soothing feeling of the little waves crashing and reaching your ankles, pants neatly folded above them. you could smell and taste the saltiness of the environment as the humidity has already fallen down into the atmosphere making your short hair stick onto your forehead.

you look up above you to watch the beautiful blue color palette splashing onto the sky, mixing itself with the radiant orangey yellow of the sun.

the day had barely begun but the signature humid jeju weather has already made its entrance, making your thin neutral colored clothes stick to your skin, a contented sigh escaping your lips that soon drew themselves into a smile as you gently closed your eyes to take it all in.

how could you ever hate this place?

you always found your way back to it even after all the misery and the tragedy it swung on you.

jeju was home. it always was and it will always be.

not seoul. not busan. not even tokyo, where your car was parked in front of your very well maintained house with friends and more, waiting for you with open arms.

it was where everything started.

and where everything will end.

your thoughts had been interrupted when you heard the cheerful and ambitious haenyeos* from behind you, their equipment strongly held under their tired but persistent arms, face already so determined and ready to start the day.

you calmly turn your head towards them when you hear their chatter and laughter growing louder, making you release an amused giggle as you casually put both of your hands under your cheek that was placed on your knees.

you loved seeing them and hearing their voices as they sang very early in the morning, the sound of their footsteps and the constant noise of their swimsuits waking you up earlier than you should.

you were about to turn back around to gaze at the now sunshine sparkled ocean when you hear a familiar voice, ringing through in the air.

“y/n!”

miran. auntie miran.

there’s no way you were wrong. you could never forget that voice or that face.

you see her waddling towards you, an immense smile gracing her aged face, her arms already wide open, home for you to lunge forward and throw yourself at her.

your legs pull you up clumsily as your feet were still emprisonned in the wet sand by the beach making you stumble backwards letting out a loud laugh, merging with the sound of the waves crashing next you.

“oh god! be careful love” miran smiles back at you, still jogging towards you, her diving equipment slowing her down.

“don’t run auntie! give me a second” you grunt, still flashing her an excited smile.

“i’m okay i’m okay, here let me help you. you’re probably so tired from traveling all the way here. ugh you should’ve just told me i would’ve called donghyuck so he can pick you up and bring you here” she drops her things on the sand and bends down to wipe away the excess sand still stuck on your clothes.

you try to stop her by putting your hands over her forearms but she was too immersed in her actions, her nagging completely unstoppable, making you burst out in laughter.

some people really never change, no matter how much time passes by.

“it’s okay, he’s busy and i wanted us to come here on our own” you smile at her, dragging her up, your hands still wrapped around her tired and wrinkled wrists.

“oh he’s here with you?” she smiles her adorable dimpled one, making you soften out your face.

you nod, turning around to look at the one way graveled road right behind you, where you parked your car.

“he’s still sleeping, it’s too early for him”

“yes yes. god am i so happy to see you, i want to see him too, please come by in the afternoon, i’ll make you both some food” she plays with your hands as you see her bouncing up and down like a little child.

“of course! i’m sure he’ll want to see you too. i just have to do something right now”

miran doesn’t answer to that but she sees the way your face slightly twists in pain and that was enough for her to understand the reason you’re here, the reason you’re suddenly back in jeju with him.

“already?”

“it’s time he rests” you whisper, slightly turning your head around to look at the waves crashing even louder than they were a few minutes ago.

miran grips your hands a little bit tighter as she sighs, head bending upwards to look at the now shining bright sky.

“you’re right my dear. i’ll leave you to it. unless you want us to do it together?”

“no i’m okay. i’ll do it alone” you smile at her, bringing her closer to you so you can hug her.

her familiar ocean scented smell mixed with her flowery perfume brings you back to years ago when you would spend your day clinging to her side, donghyuck and jeno pushing you away from her in childish envy.

oh how the days have changed.

you slowly detach yourself from her to look at her one last time before you head away.

“i’ll see you this afternoon”

she closes her eyes as her head bobbed up and down before waving you at you, leaving you in solace and peace.

you smile watching her head back to her group of friends so they can start their day. she kept glancing at you and turning back, her contagious smile never leaving her face but her worried eyes said otherwise.

she knew why you were here but it didn’t cut away from the happiness of seeing you, neither did it for you but you both knew that this was probably the last time you’d set foot here, in jeju and it both gnawed at your hearts.

its the bittersweet glances and embraces that spoke instead of you two and it’s what motivated you to get it over with, rummaging through your big duffle bag that you’ve placed next to you.

it’s time.

reflections — the series. ©

masterlist — next

a/n: haenyeo* = female divers in the south korean province of jeju, whose livelihood consists of harvesting a variety of mollusks, seaweed, and other sea life from the ocean. (source: wikipedia)

a/n 2: hehe a little prologue before everything starts. i hope you enjoyed it!

taglist: @dudekiss3r @ryleighs-world @haeclips @kisseokiss @user7520 — reply to be added!

[chloesimaginationthings]

FNAF Scrap baby is just Michael’s little sister

[b6d11f]

at my best, I'm a sacrificial lamb at my best, I am something you could handle

[xx-psych0-rabbit-xx]

kirbtober day 6 -royalty

king and queen.

[sieglinde-freud]

let it be known that i love prince inigo with my whole soul. however sometimes it is SO much fun to think about owain and his two most loyal-est knights you ever seen: worst guy in the world #1 and worst guy in the world #2. i love retainer inigo and severa so much. retainers who bully you and make fun of you and trash on you but they’d leave behind everyone and everything they ever knew to follow you and protect you in a whole new universe. they love you so much that they’d swear allegiance to total strangers but that loyalty pales in comparison to what they’d do for you. and they were all lovers!!!!!!!

[twelvemartha]

3.06 // 3.07

[wackywatchdotcom]

Rewatching episode one, I noticed that when Ragatha and Jax are talking to each other about Jax having a key, Pomni flinches away from, and lifts her arms to protect her face and head, when Jax toys with the key and catches it near her.

I wonder if she is that jumpy around others normally or if it's just when she's in a stressful situation (like suddenly being trapped in the circus) what do you think?

OK. ok. you mention this. and ive never said anything about it but i have genuinely noticed this almost every time ive seen that scene. i think about it a LOT but i havent been able to figure out my thoughts on it. but i think about it genuinely a LOT...

(i went on a huge tangent abt her thats like. only sporadically related to this specific moment SORRY. it was hard to address this moment without discussing a LOT about her i feel)

for the sake of clarity in the event someone reading this is unfamiliar, what this ask is referring to is this:

with the way that she so quickly dissociates and HARD (not that most people Never experience dissociation or smth, but its the intensity of it and how quick into this situation she starts dissociating is like. it makes it seem like its smth her body and mind are Used To Doing) she REALLY gives off the feeling that she had pre-existing mental health problems (i struggle to place anything TOO specific with the limited information we have but i feel like theres definitely a few things she has going on) before she even got to the circus, and like she COULD just be a naturally jumpy person, but with the dissociation thing and general distrust towards others, it feels like her jumpiness is also related to these issues

while her being naturally nervous is sort of implied and clear (though i think the extent of it is exaggerated by the circumstances of the pilot in particular) there ARE a few other examples that stand out to me

i THINK this can largely be passed off as her just being on edge from the horror adventure, but i this is IS notable that she reacts genuinely pretty strongly to what is a relatively minor 'jumpscare.' it happens later too w kinger pressing the tape recorder

in general she seems VERY easily startled by people, and frankly it reads a lot like it stems more from people being near her than just things happening abruptly. she notably doesnt jump hard when the angel arrives- she DOES get scared, but she isnt necessarily startled. she DOES react very strongly to ghostly, but i think its notable that she seems to find his visual appearance frightening and debatably not necessarily startling, but thats not really 100%. the times she reacts the strongest have to do with people, which imo ties HARD into her not trusting people

episode 2 breaks down her distrust of people well, and i dont think its a self consciousness thing. it seems more that she just doesnt tend to find people trustworthy- if something bad was happening to her, she would sooner assume theyd let it happen rather than help her. it could be argued that its partially a guilt or projection thing with ragatha, but im not actually so sure. pomni seems to be ashamed of leaving her behind, but particularly through ep 2 she doesnt seemed Plagued With Guilt by the way she acts towards ragatha, which implies that the dream didnt have to do with her projecting that shame in a way shed assume ragatha would turn back on her, too

it instead seems to be that she doesnt trust ragatha just... in general. the 'im not a child' thing, while a legitimate problem for pomni to have with ragatha (i love ragatha, and from my place in the audience i know her concern is genuine, and that she truly wants to encourage pomni, and is trying, but from the perspective of people around ragatha, its not an unreasonable assumption that shes JUST being infantilizing and belittling), does illuminate how pomni is seeing ragathas attempts at cheering her up- that it comes from a place of seeing pomni as immature or generally unstable. that pomni is incapable of managing herself and needs to be coaxed. it implies pomni doesnt see ragathas attempts at help as genuine. combined with her dream, that ragatha would allow the worst to happen to her even when she was asking for help, makes it very clear that, even with the 'nicest' person in the circus, pomni just... doesnt really trust her

(it is worth noting that pomni DOES seem to genuinely want to help ragatha in the pilot. she DID try to find caine. but she bolts at the first opportunity. she does care about people, but when stressed, she operates on keeping herself safe first and foremost, that she needs to do anything to get out of a bad situation even if that means leaving someone behind- and with her dream, it does seem that she generally assumes other people operate similarly, or otherwise in their own best interest)

this does, of course, improve by the end of eps 2 and 3. the funeral, and ragatha offering to include her, and how the others talk about abstracted players (combined with her conversation with gummigoo, someone who she has to assure has genuine friendships with those around him despite the lack of a true reality for them to be based upon), are able to convey that oh, these people do actually care about the people around them. theyre being genuine. they arent just looking out for themselves and thats it- they care when bad things happen to each other. and theres no true reason for me to be an exception. which is ALSO why i dont think its a self consciousness thing, she seems able to reason that shes not an exception to the intents of others, so much that when she cant assure herself that others' intents hold her safety as any sort of priority as well, any trust goes out the window. she WANTS to help if she can, but esp in the pilot, as far as shes concerned, its everyone for themself when shit gets bad, including herself

ep 3, she seems more trusting of ragatha- she has neutral and positive interactions w her, rather than assuming a lack of sincerity in it. but its not just ragatha, actually, because even before her talk with him, you can see it in how she interacts with kinger as well

she initially tries to help him run, which isnt too out there- with how she genuinely DID initially try to help ragatha, it doesnt require her to go out of her way to grab him and RUN. she can run AND take him with her. she can help without putting herself in extra danger. but then she DOES go back, which is one of my favorite and imo underrated pomni moments. because THIS is what i think actually highlights an improvement in how she sees the others before her apologizing to ragatha or taking kingers hand. because she puts herself BACK into (percieved, since its not actual sure WHAT the angels intentions were her) danger in order to get kinger away too

(theres probably a case to be made that ragatha didnt seem to be in immediate danger- she was in pain, that much was clear, but kaufmo had ran away by then. but even still, pomni couldnt have known kaufmo would shift gears and start chasing her instead of ragatha that first time. and i dont know if she actually knew death wasnt possible here yet. which isnt very flattering for pomni but also people do not act in flattering ways under extreme stress, esp given a predisposition to not trusting others, which ill elaborate more on in a second here- not that pomnis abandonment was ok OR that it was like evil of her or smth. shes just a person. there is no way she was prepared to know how to act correctly in this situation, and she didnt)

theres also this

which is SUBTLE but highlights a genuine increase in trust even before their heart to heart. now that she knows the cast (save for jax, who she seems to react to the harshest, which is worth noting imo) are not acting solely in their own best interest, that they WILL consider the wellbeing of those around them including her, that their concern for one another is genuine (which is concerning that she even assumes that to begin with, which ill circle back to momentarily), she very clearly has way more faith in them and the idea that she should stick around the others for safety

and of course, ive said it before, but her taking kingers hand has little to do with her enjoying holding hands. its her knowing that, if kingers wrong, this is going to end very, very badly. if holding their breath isnt the solution theyre BOTH going to get possessed, and who knows how theyd get out of that situation. but she decides in that moment that her trust in the others isnt ONLY about looking out for them and believing that theyre sincere in their concern for her. but that she is willing to let the others put her at a potential massive risk. getting possessed was a blatantly immediately traumatic experience- and she lets kinger put her at risk of it happening again. THATS why she holds his hand, at least symbolically. she doesnt like contact. but she can brave something that she doesnt like, she can let him lead her into and through something potentially horrific, because shes deciding to trust him and the others, that theyre not just people she can interact with without fear of ill intentions, but that theyre people who she is going to coexist with. the best thing she can do for herself and the others is trust them and work with them actively

anyway that got off-track, the point being that her having to have these ideas instilled in her at all through shared experiences and trauma implies that, while these issues with distrust may have been exacerbated by the stress of everything, they didnt come from nowhere. these are problems she likely already had to some degree. its great that theres been improvement but that improvement directly implies thesse were improvements that needed to be made to begin with. and the fact that the person she gets repeatedly most startled by is jax. who, even with episode 2, she explicitly doesnt trust. in the pilot, at least, her distrust is more vague (i think the dream sequence in ep 2 IS what highlights it best) so her flinching from jax can be passed off as related to a general lack of adjustment to the new environment and situation shes in. but it happens again with jax in episode 3 (and, notably, she pauses afterwards but it takes a moment for her to relax even knowing its just jax), after shes adjusted somewhat, and after shes gained some trust with everyone except for jax (given his absence from the scene at the end of ep 2). it also happens when barons voice plays abruptly next to her

point being that imo, she IS naturally jumpy. she says herself that she doesnt handle jumpscares well, which somewhat implies this even outside of the circumstances of the circus. but with how she reacts to things, it feels like her general jumpiness is far, far worse when it comes to people she doesnt trust (be it because jax is Like That, or because shes not familiar with baron). the way i see it, then, her distrust extends to perceiving physical threats easily around people she hasnt ensured are safe to be around. she IS able to gain this trust in people, but she seems to automatically place the intents of others as being Potentially Unsafe from the jump, especially under stress. she can jump back from it fairly quickly for what its worth, but to be honest, it seems more like she operates on some general, everpresent level of hypervigilance thats just sometimes worse based on the situation

and frankly i dont think we know enough about her as of ep 4 to fully determine if there IS a reason for this. because someone can have a reason to be this jumpy around others, or they can just... be nervous and dislike people moving suddenly near them. combined with the dissociation thing, though, im inclined to think the circus did not cause this, just made it more extreme with more unpleasant stakes. there is hardly any time between her entering the circus and this happening. she hadnt even seen kaufmo yet in that very first example, but she was already on alert for a physical threat, and i just. i think about it all the time...

i think the main takeaway from all of this is that i think she isnt necessarily jumpy like that all the time, but i think trust is not a given with pomni, and her jumpiness massively depends on how much she trusts people near her and the situation shes in to not be a physical threat to her. its definitely worse in the circus, but i think it was probably still something present in a different context in the real world, too

[saintspock]

"spock is allowed to fall in love with women" have you considered he's not. have you considered that. there's someone you forgot to ask - me.

[fideidefenswhore]

I wrote also that as he came of such a good race, besides his grace of person and singular virtues, the Queen knew no one in the world whom she would like better to marry the Princess ; and nothing is more certain than that for the considerations mentioned in those letters, the people, finding that your majesty assisted, would immediately declare themselves...especially as there are innumerable good personages who hold that the true title to this kingdom belongs to the family of the duke of Clarence, seeing that Richard III. declared by definitive sentence of the bishop of Bath (fn. 3) that the daughters of king Edward, of whom this king's mother was the eldest, were bastards, by reason of a precontract made by Edward with another lady before he married their mother. And perhaps this might somewhat incline the Queen to the project, to take away all scruples, both conscientious and other. 

One of the few critical reviews of TMATL BBC which came out was about the 'Marian' faction as it was, which was...interesting? Because it didn't seem to really address the case Cromwell makes in the novel (I can't recall if it made its way into the adaptation), that her faction were not her true friends.

Faction in and of itself proves more complex; arguably much of their cohesion relies on self-serving (the implication here is that Henry's claim is questionable, which by extension which makes Mary's claim questionable which is why she 'needs' a husband of the White Rose to strengthen her claim, if she makes it against her father), which, actually, I thought Mantel reflected well:

"These supporters you think you have—the Courtenays, the Poles—forget them. They say they revere your ancient blood, but they think more of their own. Oh, they may spare one of your boys to marry you, but then they will exact your obedience, for a wife must obey her husband, no matter the degree. And if your father, God forbid, should die before he gets a son, they will bid for the crown, and they might march behind your banner, but by their grace you will never rule.'

That he's being manipulative here is kind of besides—through, rather—the point. He's being manipulative but he's using the truth to try to convince her to choose another course, to get what he wants, what he knows Henry wants. Familiarity with the primary sources was never one of Mantel's weaknesses (more like an apparent pattern and motivation to the cherry-picking thereof...but I digress).

[psychopomp-namine]

I actually have a fic idea but lc is a show that's like. you will never ever have all the information and context until the end. and I am a writer who writes best and more confidently when I have all the info and context at my fingertips. so now I'm just like 🧍‍♂️

anyway. ramble in the tags

[clockworksheep2]

also i have realized i rly do have mild(?) face blindness. i didn't realize how bad it was until recently but holy fuck I don't think I'd remember what my family's faces look like if it weren't for photos. i thought i was fine remembering faces but actually all that i rly recognize is skin colour + tone, haircut (plus colour), glasses or no glasses, general face shape, and occasionally if there is a specific feature that sticks out to me i will remember it with words but can't remember it by visuals. if somebody gets glasses (or removes glasses) or changes their hair too drastically, i simply Will Not recognize them (until they talk and/or if they have a very specific way of dressing themself).

i can remember my characters faces bc those are lines on a flat surface, and i also tend to give characters distinct features that i Remember rather than like... just knowing what they look like. i think in words a lot. so with Millie I remember "messy hair, couple of eyelashes, freckles, big-ish nose, big eyebrows" or with Wardell I remember "square face, tired eyes, upturned nose, has facial hair scruff in triangle shapes" or with bramwell ... well Bramwell is simply a lot of shapes tbh. i just know his shapes djdkdl. i guess i have like... a set of instructions i follow to create the faces rather than just Knowing™ what they look like. weird!!!!

[her0maris]

apologies in advance i need to get a teeny bit Too Real for this one but. i lost someone irl and for a year or two afterwards i kept imagining what it’d be like to have her back again. but the thing is that everyone kept growing and changing and we were different now and losing her had changed us in ways that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. so i kept imagining the horror of like. she’s back and she’s exactly the same and we’re all different now and she doesn’t fit anymore. anyways i think you could make a really bangin fic by doing that with mari and the faraway gang