#no matter how much theyve considered me a friend all this time. if they knew then. it . goes against what they believe in.

[fluffs-n-stuffs]

/vent in tags

but prof sycamore also looked very cute in this pic here and I wanted to share it

eepy french man

[zurrr]

@nopecontest says no one uses this place to blog anymore, only reblog, so ill post some thoughts here and call it "blogging".

the internet is getting stupider and as i approach my 30s i find myself thinking more frequently about mid 2000s internet and all the dumb things i was interested in. ytmnd. different internet forums dedicated to sonic, ed edd n eddy, and the powerpuff girls. the friends i lost contact with from those forums. avgn when he was in his 20s and just starting out. wanting to make ytps thinking that was my calling at the time. newgrounds. albinoblacksheep. getting banned from deviantart multiple times because i was under 13. none of this is present anymore and will never be present again and thats bleak to think about on a regular basis. kids on the internet today will never experience online memories like this.

im more accepting of working my same retail job forever than i ever was, as the benefits are all i think about and how things could be worse. it used to be a big anxiety of mine, trying to think about how i could break away from retail and never go back to it, but honestly there is nothing else especially when i have no skills or education (if that even matters anymore) but like at the same time i dont care as much anymore. i make enough to get by. i could buy a thing i dont need and still be able to buy things i do need. im in a good position and have things others dont and theres no reason to fret over it anymore.

ive been figuring out my identity lately. i slowly came to the realization that i do not like wearing feminine clothes or presenting solely as female. ive struggled with body dysmorphia since, i wanna say before age 8 idk anymore, and ive always associated this was having an eating disorder, which im not gonna deny that i have. i often calorie restrict, and sometimes i dont realize that im doing this because im occupying myself so much that im not thinking about taking care of myself. this will be an ever-present thing about myself, but im learning that i can combat this by changing my wardrobe. i feel more confident when im not settling for wearing a dress or putting on make up cuz i feel like i "have to", and instead choosing clothes that are actually comfortable and not form fitting. ive been trying to explore this more, still a ways to go maybe, but mentally it's been comforting to consider and ill say here i go by she/they pronouns. it used to be she/her with no hesitation but thats not me anymore.

ive been watching one piece since last year and it's been interesting. this is one of those series that i never thought about watching, mostly because i didnt really grow up watching anime religiously and this is one i knew existed but i didnt think it was something i needed to touch when i just watched western shows. one piece is good. another thing that is good is dragon ball z, another series i didnt think id ever touch. i think both changed me for the better cuz it broadened my horizons and it feels like i made new friends. not in fandoms, i mean characters. im friends with characters. puar dragon ball is my friend.

to those who have been following me forever but only on tumblr specifically, im still drawing the same ocs. theyve gotten more complex, meaning they are much sadder and burdened with insecurities that i know too well. NEVERMIND is the only thing im gonna do forever cuz it's gonna take me a long time to get anywhere with it and i dont have enough time in a day to do it all, but thats ok to have only one creative focus. NVM is therapy and i dont need another project. you can read my webcomic here but it's on hiatus until next year. it is also apart of spiderforest which is a webcomic collective, maybe check out other comics on SF too while youre at it and support webcomic creators.

im gonna be grieving about panda (the cat i used to post about here) forever and thats ok too. she passed away 2 years ago in november and i think about her every day. i dont get as emotional about it anymore though. i maybe could if i focused hard enough on it, but i dont have to do that because i have a another cat now who is named bean. she's 4 and is so fuckin silly (and smelly) and i love her a lot. more rambunctious than im used to, but the memories i and @nopecontest have begun building with her have been well worth it. here she is playing mario sunshine

[lilioopdf]

edit: no one’s gonna see this but i talked too much and realised i should prob put a page break thing but in conclusion: we need things that make us happy. literature and history was always mine, and i tied it so deeply to my identity that i didn’t know what to do once i stopped studying those. writing helps. ive always been writing. one day i’ll be a literature student again. (even if i sob through that degree because of the papers). writing helps me believe that not all is gone and out of reach.

today my friend talked abt how he missed physics and learning about physics and exploring physics and this friend is actually really clever and i swear he’s a bit of a prodigy but anyway

he went to some event where he got to experience physics things (sorry im useless at this stuff so idk what he did) but be got to build stuff and explore labs and weird chemicals and everything

and he said he’d been reading up less on physics and engaging with it and everything because his school rejected him from physics clubs (which is insane to me bc i know some vv talented people from my old school who went to their new school and got rejected from communities theyve won national competitions in but anyway) and because of heavy academic commitments and everything (for context we live in one of the most academically rigorous countries in the world

i think i feel the same way about writing and literature in general because

writing was always so tied to literature for me and i don’t think i’ve ever remembered a time where i wasn’t even writing simple scenarios down? in 2016 i had a routine of lying on my stomach on the floor and drawing while listening to the radio and it was then that i realised that i wanted to get out of the country

but i also knew i wanted to study literature then and i knew it when i was rereading the same books at four and when it rained when i was seven and when i was drawing at 8 and at 12 before i entered secondary school and at 14 before we could even pick our subject combinations

and i was in love with literature and every single class that i went to but then my last time studying it properly didn’t turn out the way i wanted and like i wasn’t ever able to actually move on from it because it’s always been so tied to my personality

like i was always so history and english oriented and im not bad at other things bc i do it well when i want to but my languages and humanities were always up there

like id have a basic conversation with someone and then they’d go and tell someone’s else how well spoken i was or like id always be put at the front of school events and important events even with ministers just for my communication skills and like ive always attributed it to like everything literature like id tell myself oh must be because im a lit student and this and that

and even at this new place i realised not everyone wants to actually work in art history and music and theatre and dance and so i felt okay enough to tell people i would probably go into comms/pr and the first thing people would say was oh that suits you so much actually

and tbh ive never considered communications before this year but childhood friends and teachers always said they could picture me as a reporter or journalist even when i had no plans of doing that and look how it actually turned out to be kinda true so that’s kinda cool

ive been yapping so much in this post but my point is that i genuinely didn’t know what to do with myself when i stopped properly studying english lit this year. my english lit teacher (so so good by the way, i had the best and most loveliest teachers ever) is not even in the school anymore because she got promoted to somewhere really good and doesn’t even teach lit anymore.

but like idk writing makes me think it’ll be okay. im studying art history rn which is cool i love it but i think ill always be reaching out for literature no matter where i’m at and my friend put it perfectly when he said his event gave him “a glimpse into the life (he’s) always dreamt of pursuing”

like yeah i think we all need something that helps us hold onto hope especially in such a shitty world and i think 8 year old me would love this and i talked a lot but i needed to get it out because i beat myself up for not taking literature again but maybe not all is lost, just a little harder to find

[godaime-obito]

My fill for @kakaobiweek2019 day 6:soulmates! Went for more angst this time. Available on ao3 and under the cut.

Obito’s always been a dreamer. Since he first found out what the hokage was he’s spent hours and hours of his life just imagining it. Being inaugurated to the sound of a cheering crowd, his clansmen all there, and even the clan head himself comes up to tell Obito how proud he is, that he always knew he could do it. When he learned about soulmates he started imagining that too. He’s not sure what they’re like, but he knows they’re perfect and it will be romantic, and, and… Well, he’s not sure, but it’ll be great.

Rin feels the same way about soulmates. Part of what makes them such perfect best friends is how much they have in common. They’re both hopeless romantics, both a bit too cheery, both stubborn, and they both get angry pretty easy, even if Rin’s way better at hiding it. Obito knows it would be easy to love Rin. He might already be love with her if it weren’t for their soulmates. The only way to tell who is your soulmate is by getting a scar. What if he gets a scar or Rin does, and the other doesn’t share it the way a soulmate would? He couldn’t handle the heartbreak, even though she really is the best, and it would be so easy to love her.

Soulmates and becoming hokage have drifted a bit from the forefront of his mind, since waking up in this cave. But, with Madara gone off somewhere deeper in the cave and Zetsu busy, Obito can finally think. He doesn’t have a mirror or anything to look at himself in, but he’s felt along his scars, especially on his face, and there’s one that doesn’t fit. A scar that cuts down over his empty left eye, right where Kakashi was hurt the last time Obito saw him. He’s certain none of the rocks hit him there, that it isn’t his scar, and the thought that his soulmate has been Kakashi all along has been buzzing around his head since he realized.

A new dream for him to imagine. To get him through being stuck here in this dark, awful, cave. He’s going to get out of this cave, and he’s going to get back to Konoha. When he reaches the gate, they’re waiting for him. Minato-sensei, Kushina-neechan, Rin, and Kakashi. Kakshi has a scar down his left eye, and Obito’s scar all over his right side. And it’s romantic, and it’s perfect, and the clan isn’t even upset he gave his eye away, because he gave it to his soulmate. It’s great. Everything will be great when he gets out, which he will. After all, Madara said he could leave when he was better.

Drip. Drip. He’s trying to picture it, but there’s water somewhere in this cave. He hadn’t noticed at first, but now that it’s quiet the sound is glaring. He wants it to stop, to get out of here, to never here another drip. If he ever hears a leaking faucet when he gets back he may go insane.

Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, Obito doesn’t have long to contemplate the dripping sound before Guruguru returns from wherever he’s been. Suddenly, there’s word on Rin and Kakashi, and he’s out of the cave. He leaves his new hand behind and runs, his teammates need him, he needs his teammates. He’s not sure how he manages to run so far so fast even encased in Guruguru, but Rin and Kakashi come into sight soon.

It’s not soon enough. What is happening? Why? Why would Kakashi? Obito should have left that cave sooner, he should’ve been faster. He should make these Kiri nin pay. He loses it a bit. That may be an understatement. He doesn’t really remember what happens next, or killing the shinobi. But he doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter. What matters anymore?

Drip. Drip. Blood is still falling somewhere nearby from the Kiri nin. There’s so much blood already on the ground he’s surprised to hear there’s still more to fall. Obito doesn’t want to lay Rin down in it, but he can’t hold her forever. Kakashi is already laying in it. The blood has flowed around and under him where he lays facedown. Obito’s indifference breaks, and he’s angry, furious like he’s never been before, and Kakashi was the one to put his hand through Rin. But…Kakashi still might be his soulmate, maybe there’s a reason, maybe everything isn’t lost.

Obito walks with Rin in his arms until there’s finally no more blood under his feet, and then puts here down gently. He positions her with care, and then slowly turns back to look at Kakashi. He walks toward him with trepidation, and every step feels like he’s walking on the bottom of the sea. Miles of water pressing down on him. He doesn’t know what outcome would be better anymore: Kakashi not having his scars, or having them. Obito kneels down by him, and flips him over with the same gentleness he just showed Rin.

It’s the same. The scar down his left eye, the swirling scars all over his right side. Obito pulls down his mask to be certain, and his bottom lip is bisected in the same place he can feel a scar cutting through his own lip. The blood is still dripping, the cave is still dripping, and Madara is waiting for him there. Kakashi is his soulmate, and Rin is dead. He killed her, but Obito can’t let go of him. Can’t let go of his soulmate. Madara’s talk of a perfect world echoes through his head, resounding besides the dripping. It’s not too late. He’ll pick up Kakashi, and he’ll take him back to Madara, and the three of them can create a better world together. Then Rin, Minato-sensei, and Kushina-neechan can great the two of them when they finally come home. And everything will be great.

Kakashi wakes up in an unfamiliar place. He can already tell this isn’t the hospital or Konoha at all. He does his best to listen and deduce what’s going on before anyone realizes he’s awake. It’s cold and quiet. He’s lying on a cot. Something is dripping in the distance, and closer than that someone is breathing. At this point he doesn’t have much to lose by just peaking a little with his uncovered eye to try and see who they are.

“Obito!” he yells, jerking up, all intent to remain silent abandoned at the sight of his teammates battered face. “Where have you been? Where are we now?” he asks.

Disconcertingly Obito just seems to stare at him in reply, as if he’s considering what to say or how much to admit. Kakashi had hoped at times, staring at Obito’s name at the memorial stone, that maybe all the scars on his right were from the rocks, were Obito’s. For that to be true, for the scars to be his, for them to be soulmates, he’d have to still be alive, and it had seemed impossible. A distant dream. But despite the unpleasant scenery, despite everything else, this must be Obito.

“Obito?”

“What happened Kakashi? Why?”

“Obito, I,” Kakashi stutters. Oh god, he must have seen. Rin, she’s dead, and he let her down, let Obito down. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. The sanbi, it was, it was in her. She, just, jumped in front of me. I didn’t mean to. I swear I would never. I…”

“Stop,” Obito cuts off his rambling attempt at an apology, an explanation. The blank look he’s giving Kakashi doesn’t shift. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault Kakashi,” he adds. Obito’s expression finally gentles, and he reaches his hand to Kakashi’s uncovered face, where he must have pulled down his mask while he was still asleep. He traces over their scars tenderly.

“It…isn’t?”

“All this time I’ve been here they’ve been telling me how worthless this world is, how much better we can do. I understand now that they’re right. I love you. You’re my soulmate, and I know we wouldn’t do that to Rin. This world killed her.”

Kakashi isn’t sure who ‘they’ is. His relief at being forgiven by Obito and the joy at his proclamation of love battle in his mind with his confusion at what’s going on and his worry. He wants to say something, do something, leave, but he doesn’t want to ever look away from Obito again. So instead he just stares silently and reaches his hand up to Obito’s face, mirroring the tender caressing of their scars.

Obito smiles at him, and if it wasn’t for something unsettling deep in his eye it would look just like his grins from before. “Kakashi won’t you stay with me? Won’t you reach for the perfect world together with me?” he pleads softly. He finally removes his hand from the scars, and steps back, extending both hands towards Kakashi in offering.

He isn’t sure what’s happening, what the perfect world is, or how Obito wants to reach it, but… A perfect world seems nice, after the day, week, year, life, Kakashi’s been having. Besides, he’s never leaving Obito behind again. “Of course,” he agrees. He grasps Obito’s hands, and he pulls him up off the cot and towards the darkened end of the cave, towards their future.

[jpy693en-blog]

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[romanovcain]

( BILL SKARSGÅRD, MALE, HE/HIM ) I, CAIN ROMANOV am a LEGACY student and would hereby like to submit my application to Kingswood Boarding School. I am EIGHTEEN years old and will be a SENIOR I would describe myself as RIGHTEOUS and AMBITIOUS, but also AVOIDANT and UNTRUSTING which I plan to work on during my time here. This is my request to join the HENRY building as a house MEMBER and look forward to hearing back from you. [ jimbo, 19, est ;)] 

hi this is cain and i love him treat him nicely ok thanks

tw: cults, abuse, heroin, weird religion shit

son of vaughn and adelaide romanov

vaughn being one of the senators of the state [whichever one that kingswood is located in] and his wife being a huge contributor to charity work over the years

adelaide was born and raised in england to a very, very, noble family and still keeps in close contact to them--often visiting them with the children

cain is the eldest of five children and always had a strong sense of duty to protect his younger siblings from harm’s way

the only one allowed to bully them is cain himself

right off the bat, cain could do no wrong. he was a perfect child who never threw tantrums or tracked mud throughout the house--he was obedient and had a great deal of respect for his parents and their reputations

they practically grew up down the street from kingswood, and he had always known he was going to attend the school. it was in his blood, both lines, and cain strove to never disappoint

being of such high status did, admittedly, give cain too much of an ego

he wasn’t boastful about his family, but he did give off an almost untouchable air

he either acknowledged you, or ignored you completely. often decided on who your parents were

at kingswood he was practically their golden child; the poster child.

he was respectful and charming, his smile could get him free of a month’s worth of detention, and he never let himself get into any bad publicity

he was part of several clubs, and was the star jumper on the track team

his presence at kingswood was known, and it was that simple. either you knew of him, or you wish he knew you

he was elitist and didn’t acknowledge those he considered ‘less than’ him; scholarship students, henry boys and victoria girls--anybody who would tarnish the reputation he had from birth was a no-go

he never sought out problems, himself, having always avoided unneeded conflict

that being said--when there was needed conflict, he wasn’t afraid to have it...handled

his best friend died sophomore year and it affected him pretty badly, though he would have never showed it

if anything, he became colder--if that was even possible. he was practically the ice king.

he went into senior year as head of edward house, the president of student gov, along with a member of several other clubs, and captain of the track team. 

and months later; on january 1st, 2018--cain disappeared

nobody knew where he had gone; it sent the nation into a panic.

months long search hunts, constant activity checks on his cards and phone, national broadcasting of his information. radio silence.

cain was, not dead--but seemed like it

in reality, he had given up his life of luxury to pursue what he thought was a new beginning

his recruiters were carefree children of god; who believed wealth was the root of all evil, and that those corrupted by capitalism had to be saved

they were part of a much, much, larger cult--with many, many more followers

they met cain by coincidence; small talk in a bank. they knew who he was; everybody knew who cain romanov was.

the fact his name was cain, was a message from god

they had to have him

they managed to impress cain with their intensive knowledge of life, and from there they had stayed in contact

right until january 1st, when cain was ‘initiated’ into their cult

the new year symbolized new lives, and they stripped him of his sins.

it was fine, at first. cain enjoyed the simplicity of their lives and didn’t particularly mind the worship--he had grown up religious

they were minimalist, and didn’t want cain to own any personal belongings, but he managed to hide a secret journal inside his mattress.

it was at first, just something to record his days with, or write letters to the people he missed, despite the fact he could never send them

it soon proved to be his means of survival

as the months passed by, cain was finding it harder to please his new family. they wanted more out of him. they wanted him to bless them, but he was just a boy

he was just a boy.

they found reasons to punish cain, no matter how small the error--he was punished

they involved him being grabbed at and tugged at, dozens of hands pulling at his limbs and clothes and begging him--chanting at him--to repent, until he did so

other times, they’d cleanse him via baptism, repeatedly, until water nearly filled his lungs

one of the worst things they did, were their attempts to subdue him and force him to conform back into their ways. everyday, they’d inject him with a small dose of heroin

this action led to cain’s eventual memory loss; his memory became fuzzed, shattered, only pieces and bits of his previous life left behind

but his journals reminded him of what he used to have. even if he didn’t remember it fully himself, he could read his own words and know that no matter what was going on--it was not right. and he had to get out.

he let the cult thing he was conforming, for a few months after that--to just, avoid the punishments.

it worked for a while, up until new years eve.

he had done something, unworthy to their god, and he was to pay in a terrible way.

they held him down, and attempted to brand cain with--well, the mark of cain

he bit them whenever they tried to come near his head, so they settled with his chest--right over his heart

at their cleansing ritual, that was when cain made his escape--running through woods and woods and woods until he collapsed in the middle of the highway, nearly causing an accident

it was soon reported, on january 1st, 2019, that cain romanov had been found

despite having been, running for hours, and extremely dirty--cain had been forced to recount to the police exactly where he had gone, what he had endured.

he broke down several times, sobbing, though it is a fact he keeps strictly to himself

and just like that--he was taken home.

the family reunion was....tough. some of his family had accepted the fact he was dead, others had always known he was still alive, somehow.

regardless, it was all very emotional.

despite how emotional, it was, every time somebody went to hug him, or shake his hand, or anything--he’d back away, cringe, with a repulsed look on his face

it was an extremely quick decision, but after a brief amount of thought--both kingswood and his parents thought it would be good for publicity if he finished the school year he never got to see--enrolling him for his senior year. again.

his father took advantage of the heartfelt reunion, and took the chance to announce his campaign for presidency--in name of his found son, who gave him hope once more. or some other bullshit.

cain is not the boy he was previously. he is much more reserved, yet not nearly as elite as before. he doesn’t give a shit where somebody came from. he just wants to finish his year and go about his life again

suffers from pstd and goes to therapy once a week; he still journals because his therapist told him too

also took up sketching (often, abstract portraits) as a way to help him think, or process, or cope. it was a method of healing.

looking at his old journals helps him with recognizing people, but he doesn’t really remember them

he doesn’t remember too much of his time at kingswood, and is struggling. it’s weird to know he meant so much to specific people, even though he has no memory of them anymore

he’s gradually regaining his memory, but is also dealing with heroin withdrawals. after all, they had been forcing it into his system everyday

he cant stand being touched, contact with others repulses him and often triggers flashbacks to the cult

he has no interest in any of his former positions, choosing to focus on schoolwork.

there’s probably more that i forgot tbh

EDIT: the police found the recruiters of the cult, but not the entire ordeal. cain is obsessed with the investigation, and follows it extremely closely. if anything, he’s creating his own mini investigation in following.

wanted connections !!!

past connections, mainly

old friends

ex-relationships

people he should really remember but doesn’t

he was an idol for many, and was notorious around the school. if theyve been at kingswood for a while, there is a huge chance they knew of him

god i dont know

just. give me angst. he doesn’t remember a lot about others.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

this one for the special club of ppl who have no friends

idk abt yall but even for myself im not sure exactly how long it took me to work out that i was & had been more isolated than the avg person over my life & realizing that the feeling i had since ever being around a group of ppl (preschool) that i couldnt fit in or have more than like, one friend that was mostly defined as “wanted to actually play together at recess or smthing”, was just actually generally true. idk what it is but you know what its like when ppl have some tendency to ignore you. or quietly gain contempt for you because they think you’re weird, which i havent known to stop being true between like 10 yr olds & ppl in their 20s. when ur being talked over even in a group you’re supposed to be in and its like listen. what is going on that this happens so much

anyways when you have no friends its always wild when anyone does show up and actually act like a friend more than like once & show the slightest interest in you as a person. for me though i did have to learn to just not care as much when this happens because its like the sheer math of it all yknow. a person who is used to having like, a more avg number of friends across life is gonna make a friend and be like “oh man awesome” but on the other end of things when u have only a handful of friends and/or little access to friends &/or no close friends, getting a new friend seems way more significant because its like wow this is only 1/18 in my whole life or something. whereas for the other person you are 1/143 idek. not to say that each friend is less important to someone who has more of them. but it is less of a big deal to gain a new one, and a new person theyve just been talking to a bit IS going to be a less important friend

where this is going is just that, never having friends = everyone else being a big deal to you, but you arent a big deal 2 them....a lot of wondering why you always like ppl more than they like you. in my experience its not fun so, with the motivation to stop feeling terrible over that repeated revelation, and also figuring out that its because being so isolated / having few to no Reeeaalll Friends = valuing new friends way more than they value you, rather than just that everyone definitely hates you....i personally have tried to stop caring less about getting the opportunity to talk to new people.

thats not to say i dont enjoy it or value it or like the people i talk to.....i do enjoy it, im a social person in my own way, and i appreciate it when it happens b/c i dont consistently have conversations with anyone. i just don’t get excited abt a potential friendship or expect to ever reach what feels like a real & solid friendship w anyone. i have picked up a few ppl in the past like 5 yrs i do consider friends but its always taken a while to get there.

its kind of funny because like i said i AM kind of social & i do really care about people i get to grow a bit close to.......there is definitely plenty of ppl i dislike right away & have the opposite interest as being friends with them....but when i do like ppl, idk, i like to try to support them and be nice to them and be there for them in the usually tiny ways i can.....i love to talk to people actually. in person when im actually comfortable, i can actually come off a bit overly talkative....i can be energetic when i’m happy & i do have a lot to say about things sometimes but usually only in my head. even typing it out is difficult b/c i can only type so fast, especially with a phone. but in other situations i can have trouble actually getting my voice to come out at all, or i choose not to speak at all b/c i dont want to. or when im frustrated i dont want to talk for a moment but thats generally because there is no one around i want to talk to about it. i can talk abt something for hrs....and it is of course extra special to me b/c i dont get to be around ppl i like talking to them that often

idk and i like to do nice things for friends when i can......i dunno. i do like people. i can be pretty choosy about who i hang on to, i might only have a select group of friends even if i wasnt isolated; but still....theres a lot of people in the world. even being picky about it, you could have a huge friend group

little tangent i dont trust trying to make friends in groups at all really lol.....like even if you’re friends with someone who’s in a bigger friend group. i might cautiously give ppl a chance just b/c of the good endorsement but ive also had bad times w it. and often like, even ppl i all individually like, to be in a group w everyone is to realize that my way of socializing means im a lot of times off on the tangents and it just makes it clear that there’s a whole Thing going on in the middle that you’re not at all involved in. and then there’s ongoing Things that nobody lets you in on and its like alright i guess i’ll do my own thing that nobody’s interested in. idk and its happened that i’ll be in a group and again just like....not be even noticed physically and its like. feels great man

anyways i guess theres general things about Friendship that i feel i miss out on, on account of never experiencing it

like ive never felt like i had someone i’d tell anything to, not even collectively, like i have three Things to tell & maybe i cant tell anyone all three but i know three ppl i’d tell one of each to

ive also never quite felt like i’d always have someone to talk to just in general......or been in the situation where if i wanted to go out and do something w someone i knew i could find someone to go w me.....idk theres never been the feeling that i always had access to friends in any way. or like, ever had access to friends, most of the time at least

i also have no idea....when ppl talk about having longtime friends like known all their life im like wtf. ok. weirdo. ive had a friend for ten seconds

kind of a bummer b/c i think a lot of ppl consider College to be th easiest place to make friends...like before that you mostly have school friends and afterwards its like oh work friends but college you have a bit more mobility and different situations to meet people.....but post-college its supposedly just increasingly difficult to make new friends. and being more isolated makes it even more difficult as ppl tend to ostracize ppl for being lonely weirdos

im always lucky i get to talk on here tbh......it occurs to me it’s probably bad to feel completely unheard. because it frustrates me a lot at times to feel that way. even nowadays i dont really say anything about the stuff i think & dont ever find myself wanting to....im picky about who i really feel like having long or even short but actually genuine convos w like i said...............and idk its not that infrequent too for ppl to seem to not really care one way or the other or listen or even like it when i talk. i only wanna talk in situations i feel good talking obv lol....otherwise i’d rather stay quiet, but staying quiet is frustrating also. but i do it. but i can say things here at least even if i’m not actually talking aloud

i cant expect to ever have this mythical friend group or whatever.....i dont have Expectations like that. and in the meantime ive been lowkey for a few years just trying to lower my expectations even for ppl im just chill-ly talking to. its not that difficult nowadays, i get a bit pumped to just be talking, but i dont get Pumped Abt New Friends or anything. i know it doesnt work like that....and its not like i was ever like, wanting a blood oath after two conversations or anything like that. it just tends to mean more to you and then you find out you dont mean as much to anybody else really

oh but a good silver lining is that now i have better standards for ppl anyway, to be like “well it sucks that it turns out my connection w all these ppl wasnt that solid at all, but hang on now that i think of it do i even Like this or that person”

life is wild huh. back in preschool i thought something was wrong w me that nobody liked me & nowadays i dont care if they do or not. im doing my own thing over here & may be chillin in hell but at least, even if i’m sad i don’t exactly get to consistently interact w ppl, it only matters to me if i get the attention from ppl i genuinely like anyways. i could drop off the face of the planet & probably the biggest giveaway was that i had reblogged a joke in a few days but wtf does that matter anyway. some of us got to be on the tangents still w no friends. not because its necessary but b/c it happens and it has to be someone, might as well be me or you. it happens to be me, thats for sure

[fenharelxenansal]

ooc;;

so i went back into my discord history to dig up some meta i wrote a while back about briala. alice, nixe, mo, merc, and cay have all already read this, but i feel like a lot of it is really important to my characterization and i want it on my blog. maybe someday i’ll format it to read in a less disjointed, chat-style way, but for now -- have 1600+ words about briala’s backstory, i guess?

cw: lots of emotional abuse and gaslighting, lots of character death

im having a mood abt the tactics celene might have used to keep briala on her side when they were fighting and aaugh

bc i think a lot about the scene at the beginning of TME where bria is getting sexually harassed by a palace guard and the fact that nobody in that scene, briala included, acts like its anything particularly abnormal. that worries me

i mean. celene killed her damn parents. i dont think encouraging a guard to harass briala from time to time to make herself look like a saint in comparison is beyond her

and i have this mental image of briala being hurt in some way, nothing serious, a bruise here or there from someone other than celene, deliberately caused to send her running back to the empress who will make it all better

to give briala someone to hate instead of celene

to give celene the opportunity to 'make it up' to her

because i dont believe for a second that celene, grand player of the Game that she is, wouldn't stoop that low

she would do anything in her power to keep briala

because she is too dangerous, she knows too much

my headcanon is that when celene tried to send her away to live with the Dalish, it wasn't for her own protection

it was to keep her from ever realizing the truth of what happened the night her parents died, because it could destabilize celene's grip on power

and when Briala came back, well, she had to come up with another plan. and she cared for Briala enough that she didn't want to just kill her. so she made her into an intensely loyal asset

so i think any time Briala started to turn on her, started to want to leave her service even a little, she would do something to make herself look like the good guy again

the thing i always think about

Briala was supposed to be killed that night along with her parents

it wasn't 'all the servants except briala' it was 'all the servants'. the fact that she survived was pure luck, and the fact that celene didn't just have her killed after that point was because. well. Celene was a 16 year old lesbian about to ascend the throne of one of the most powerful countries in Thedas. One might imagine her a bit lonely.

im pretty sure she knew sending briala away was sending her to likely bandits or death by starvation

but she didn't have to feel so personally responsible for that

its easy to kill a palace full of servants whose names you dont know

theyre just numbers on a piece of parchment saying how many bodies you have to clean up

briala made herself real to celene and that makes her harder to kill

because she could have just killed her right then herself

but celene never had the stomach for killing people herself. she just gives the orders.

and so when faced with that situation, with her personal handmaiden traumatized, crying, covered in her parents' blood saying 'they're all dead', the smart thing to do would have been to kill her. but celene didn't do that. she just sent her away to near-certain death instead.

Briala is incredibly dangerous to Celene

especially post-TME, post realization of exactly how Celene orchestrated her rise to power

she is the only one who knows that Celene's claim on the throne is truly illegitimate, no matter how much Gaspard tries to argue it

not only did she have her own palace servants murdered

she had the emperor assassinated

which i think everyone misses?

she had him assassinated and then staged the murder of her palace servants to paint herself as an innocent victim who just happened to not be there that night

thats why all the palace servants were killed

so that suspicion would not fall on her for Florian's murder

the point was to make it look like the same assassins who went after her uncle were also going after her

when in reality she was the one calling the shots all along

i did briefly toy with writing a verse where Briala never met Felassan, where she made it to the Dalish safe at 14 years old and tried to become one of them

but the fact is that the moment he sent her back to Celene was a defining moment for her, something that fundamentally changed her, and she wouldn't have been anywhere near the same person without that

it told her, right there and right then, subtextually and insidiously, that the cause was the most important thing, more than her safety - because she knew it was dangerous being anywhere near the Empress-to-be, she wasn't stupid. she didn't even really know what the cause was at that point; he never told her what he got out of their meetings. so the cause to her became helping elves. and then that really quickly became warped to helping celene because she convinced her that it was the best way to serve the cause.

"what would have been different if she'd decided what she wanted to fight for on her own?"

she would have been a lot less.....not less dedicated, but less 'dedicated to the detriment of her own wellbeing'

if she had decided herself not to go to the Dalish, to stay by Celene's side to enact change, rather than just following the orders of other people, her story would be very different

concept: briala actually processing her trauma??? what???

bc you know the moment she got back to the palace with Celene after meeting Fel for the first time she threw herself headfirst into the Game

she focused all of her energy on intelligence-gathering and supporting Celene in her bid to become Empress

She never gave herself a single moment to grieve

and it isn't an uncommon story in Thedas, an elf watching someone or multiple someones they love cut down by humans

imagine if u will: briala, trying to have a funeral, not just for her parents, but for all of them

thats the thing i really feel the need to

idk

it wasn't just her parents

briala grew up in the palace. her parents were both palace servants.

she knew every single one of those servants. they were her friends and her family. and at the end of it she was left standing covered in blood in front of celene. celene was all she had left.

she didn't have any friends at the beginning of TME. she was friendly with the cook, but that was it.

celene took a generally happy, driven, and incredibly smart 14-year old elven girl and took away everyone she had ever known except herself. she made herself briala's world.

that's the real reason i hate that you can reunite them. its not that i don't believe they could be reunited - its that they can. because briala doesn't have anyone else. she has celene and felassan. that's it.

when you only have one person, its easy to make excuses for them and justify the things theyve done. its easy to believe them when they apologize and promise to do better.

thats why i want briala to have friends and lovers and people

i want to have a verse where she has grown so far beyond that point that she would laugh if Celene asked her to return to the palace

i want her to stop loving Celene but she isn't there yet

in my current writing, at least

she is still vulnerable to her in every verse where Celene is still alive

i just imagine her like

talking quietly about her childhood best friend among the servants

we don't get to see much of Briala's childhood

we get the moment of her mother telling her she mustn't try to hide her ears and that she must be proud of being an elf. that's really it.

but we do know that there were other children of servants who were considered for Celene's handmaiden aside Briala

i like to think she was friends with these other children. that she wasn't always lonely from the start

but of course that leads down the road of those friends being slaughtered as well so its a tradeoff

and then there's the question of whether when Celene kissed her when she was sending her away, if that was her first kiss, if she ever even had the chance to love someone else

i think a lot about how Briala spent 20 years learning how to love exactly 1 person the way she wanted to be loved

just imagining her trying to have a romantic relationship with someone else with that framework still in place is painful. it wouldn't work no matter how much she wanted it to because she'd be treating them like celene. she has no other model for how a relationship can work

she bypasses that somewhat with Lana, but its still there, thinking that the best thing to do is the thing that Keeps Lana Safe

she wouldn't recognize abuse if she got into another bad relationship

and she doesn't know how a relationship works where she isn't centering the other person's needs over her own

she gave up everything she ever wanted or aspired to for Celene

one time i got a prompt from a lyric starter list i made

'you can still be what you want to'

and briala just. broke for a moment.

'no. i can't. i never could - none of us ever could. thats why we fight.'

she doesn't have interests or hobbies or friends or a life

celene was her life and now she's filled that void with her cause

[swampgallows]

really feel like im gonna struggle to ever integrate into society. i struggle to chill w people my own age because a lot of them have careers n shit (i think... i guess? i dont really know actually lmao cause i dont talk to em) or theyre dating people and i cant really tell people what im up to because theyre condescending about it. “oh youre still into the rave thing huh?” yeah i’m “still into” it, sorry. you got two kids and a husband and youre living w your parents still too, that’s not a life i envy. id rather keep my ‘childish’ interests, thanks.

and i dont drink or do drugs so a lot of Adult Outings make me uncomfortable or are not right for me. and any time i want to find sober anything it becomes religious or recovery related, or it is considered exclusively for children. i have no problem being in the vicinity of alcohol but i dont want to hang w people while they’re using controlling substances because it sucks for everybody involved: they cant enjoy themselves because they feel self-conscious around me being the sober one, and then i feel bad for making them self-conscious but am also uncomfortable with them using substances around me. and of course i mean substances for the purpose of getting fucked up, not as medication. except in the case of weed which is a huge monumentally major trigger for me (whether i mentally prepare myself to be around it or not).

raves are the perfect blend for me. people who wanna get fucked up can, people who dont want to dont have to, and everybody is there to have a good time in their own way. they wear what they want, they dance how they want, and they generally dont infringe on anybody else’s good time with weird stuff like sexual advances or whatever. and if something like that is going down (like when RTC strips down and starts fucking on stage basically) you can always go somewhere else without having to sacrifice listening to the music or enjoying yourself otherwise. there’s generally outdoor areas (or people will let you in/out if it’s not the shadiest) to chill or if you need a breather, people are willing to help you, etc. i dunno raves compared to clubs or bars are vastly VASTLY superior. youd think id be able to stand the latter two since i rave all the time but i just cant (also because there is never any good music at clubs).

plus im not dating anybody and being ace is a shit and a half in terms of All of That, it’s another fuckin hang up on my perceived adulthood that im unpalatable or a freak or something is wrong w me if i’ve “gone this long” being single. sorry all the dudes who have been into me have been petulant children or massive abusive jerks and im not open enough about my bi-ness to be visible to women i dont think. either way im entirely de-sexed and this is the age where people are definitely fuckin, and fuckin with a PURPOSE. theyve all had like ten years of practice by this point (whether actually having sex or not, theyre just programmed to understand it) and so most people dont have time for a stiff like me who really doesnt give a shit about sex or ranges to even actively fucking hating it. i also havent developed feelings for anybody in a long time unless you count my tumblr crush (who im pretty sure has a partner anyway lmao and they seem pretty sexual actually so i dont think theyd, among many other reasons, give a shit about my dumb ass) and that can be really alienating too. 

my high school best friend got married yet to me i feel like the only development i’ve had since high school is Trauma and mental illness. like i developed dissociative episodes in the last few years whereas in high school i basically only had the chronic insomnia and hypnagogic hallucinations. i mean i certainly think i’ve developed AS A PERSON in HUMONGOUS strides since high school but i know people i knew then will just be like “oh you still do ‘the rave thing’ and play WoW, huh?”

like yeah, i dunno, FUCK ME for enjoying my interests. i quit wow when i needed to and im glad i did but it’s not WoW’s fault i entered a morass of suicidal depression in the years i wasnt playing. WoW had run its course at that time in my life. and at the latter end of that i was going to raves regularly, making the BEST lifelong friends i have ever had, and generally being part of something greater, part of a community that genuinely cared about me. i was working out further kinks with my ability to socialize and love and be open to people (as i will continue to do until i die) but i feel there is arguably a much larger capacity to love in me than before. so i still wear kandi, so i still wear black clothing, so i still prattle on about orcs and trolls. fuck off. at least now i dont hate myself and let myself get raped every day, at least now im not mindlessly swallowing and regurgitating actively racist rhetoric out of fear of confronting my parents’ hatred or by surrounding myself with the dregs of society, at least now i dont want to “sew up my vagina” because i detest my womanhood and the men who covet(ed) it

currently i play wow honestly like maybe twice a week. i went on a bender with diego my REAL LIFE FRIEND LMFAO (like what, stop enjoying time w your friends, it isnt grown up!) a few days ago and we played for like 6 straight hours which was pretty fuckin wild. i think about wow a LOT like TOO mcuh and all of my art recently has been wow-related but holy shit i am drawing at least 

since playing wow again (almost concurrent with when i had started my job) i did more drawing than i did in probably all 4.5 years of college, assignments or otherwise. i was drawing EVERY DAY, legitimately, even if they were just quick scribbles. and when i wasnt i was writing every single fucking day. and when i wasnt, i was READING. like FUCK me for having warcraft as a motivation to do fucking anything in my goddamn life. youre right, abandoning my interests and adopting ones i hate for the sake of appearing more adult is totally worth the mind-numbing soul-eating depression i crumble into without these silly safety nets.

like that’s all it is. it’s silly. raves are silly. video games are silly. “good luck getting laid” thanks i dont need it. “good luck finding someone who loves you” fuck you i have plenty of people who love me BECAUSE of the things i love, not “in spite” of them, not in some tongue-in-cheek “That’s our Swamp!” fashion. they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE MAKE MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE TELL ME MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE PLAY MORE.” (that last one is about music, not warcraft lol).

but i mean i do worry about it, worry about being “too insular” as some critical piece of shit idiot put it to the point of being unrelatable. I dont want to alienate myself from people of course, nor do i want to get so wrapped up in fantasy that i lose myself. and that’s something i was tearing myself apart about during my episode earlier, just that “I have to get off the internet” because while i think and do all of this stuff, “Me” is just sitting in my bed rotting. Even when im drawing or up at my tables mixing i know it’s still just me, in my house, sealed off from the world, and i started having panic because i was telling myself “i want to go home” over and over but i am at home, i’m in my bed, but i realized of course that home is not in this house. home is many places for me, but it’s also why im SO enthusiastic about wow again: it is home. and believe me im getting wary of just how fucking much i am eating breathing sleeping dreaming (literally dreaming) warcraft because while i dont know if i was ever “addicted” i, again, dont want to be so swept up that i forget im a person (and with dpdr that shit is way potent). that and uhh i got shit to do, but mostly... it’s not real. and i know im setting myself up for failure and heartbreak again by yearning for something that cannot exist no matter how much i set my mind and hands to create it.

i feel hurt physically by the fact that there are “only humans”. i mean there are infinite different kinds of humans, but it’s more of an existential quandary than a yearning for an orc boyfriend or something. it’s why we dream up fantastic creatures and aliens in the first place: we’re not alone in the universe, are we? are humans really the only sentient beings out there? we can’t be. we can’t be. “they” say either option—that we are, or are not alone—is equally terrifying but i dont think so. sure we might fear violence or eradication from not being alone, but to know that we are? out of everything we’ve charted and studied, that we’re it? that’s... that’s death. and of course there’s going to be heat death or whatever they say in 6 billion whatever i dont know, so whether we’re alone or not is irrelevant because it will destroy our universe and what happens when there is no universe? and so of course all of this was compounding into panic, of course, of course, jumping from a dumbass thought like “i guess im not as into overwatch because it’s sci-fi but also theyre all humans” straight into “INEVITABLE HEAT DEATH”. so like, really, does it matter that i care about wow lore more than i care about marriage?

i mean, i guess i should have a career, but i dont really know what i could be capable of doing. i dont know if it’s mental illness or discipline or what but even if like metzen himself was like “come work at blizzard!” i would still probably just collapse into a heap of worthlessness and fear. 

i dont know what i fear. i guess i fear that im wasting my time, and by spending my time in another world i dont have to worry about how im spending time in this one. and that’s really, really bad. i dont like that.

i have to make this world worth living in. i have been trying. but i havent gotten very far. in fact, i took some steps backward.

from the edge of the cliff, so... i guess that’s forward in some ways.

[becausehesmyteacher]

Journal 03.07.17

LATE ASF IM AWARE So I dreamt of B again, we were sitting on the school bleachers just talking about anime and hockey and everything we havent been able to catch up on. It was amazing, so amazing i wasnt even sad when i woke up instead i was smiling while reminiscing about him. I attended classes as normal; nothing out of the usual happened. I mean during 9th period i stepped out to "go to the restroom" but i actually had to make a few calls to my dad and grandparents to make sure they were at school when it ended bc the school we were playing against was 30 minutes away and the game started 30 minutes after school. To make this clear, I was desperate to go to this game as it was where B is currently teaching and it was a chance to see him; Hes always putting it out there that he likes it way better at my school than where he was hired. Last year was his first year teaching so we were practically his first years. Too bad he got laid off at the end of last year so found a job at a nearby-ish school. So I took the long ride to the school, my grandmother doesn't like the freeway so we took the longest route possible. Luckily, I still got there on time, actually 4 minutes were still left before the game actually began when i stepped into the gym. Before that I was wandering around trying to find the gym since it wasnt labeled atop the door like my school and man the school is beautiful! I wondered how B could despise this place compared to my school. The quad was clean, the field was nearly 2x bigger than ours, and the gym is nicely set up. When I walked in there I saw the coaches who also happen to be my former teachers and right beside them on the bench was B! My heart swelled even if he was so far. I tried to act like i didnt notice when I sat on the far end of the gym. He got up and sat on the opposite end so I was staring at him for probably 30 seconds while asking myself "Am I gutsy? Am i gutsy enough to do that?" As i pondered the idea of going to say hi or perhaps even sitting besides him. I did. I got a burst of courage, Ill most likely never see him again I might as well take the chance. I stepped down from the bleachers and walked to the side that was closest to the doors. When my eyes landed on him I noticed he looked prominently different. When i had him last year he always kept his hair gelled up and his scruff shaved. But now he slicks back his hair and grew out his scruff to a beard. Not duck dynasty long but long enough for it to appear as a beard. I yelled him name and he looked over and he smiled. A smile i havent seen in nearly half a year. It was honestly the most beautiful thing ive seen in a while. I sat beside him and fist bumped him asking how he was doing. He say he was "eh" and in turn asked how Im doing as well. I said this year sucks, and that i hate it. His face contorted to look really concerned and asked whats the matter. I smiled and just wrote it off. Remember how I said this school was beautiful compared to my own? Well i confronted him about it and he went "Sure the school LOOKS nice but the kids are something else..." We both laughed at that and oh man I missed that. I missed us having moments together. The game started and he went "GO (my school)!!" His coworkers sighed, like theyve heard that repeatedly on a day to day basis. He turned to me and admitted that this was the first basketball game the whole year he attended. I asked him why if he always went when he used to teach at my school. He told me that he didnt care THAT much and its difficult since their games start nearly 2 hours after the end of school. At my school its only 30 minutes after. Kind of sad considering its a playoff game and its end of regular season. But Im glad he attended this one, its the only away game i considered attending for the sake of seeing him again. Throughout the game we talked about the players and how he had most of them, anime, and sports (ah fitting, no?). He remembered every single students he had on the team, he even texted the coaches to tell them to put his former students on the team. I couldnt tell if he was joking or not because he pulled out his phone and text messaging app but i turned away to keep from being nosy. I dont know how but i found a way to bring up how i finished a couple anime over a few weeks. He also finished a mutual anime and it turns out hes finishing up an anime i barely started. It has like 750 episodes fucken nerd i swear. I changed subject and poked fun at him and asked whats the difference between the students at my school and the ones over here. He sighed and was frank, "The kids here have no personality! They dont care about anything! Not sports, not video games, not anime! Like at your school you guys at least liked SOMETHING. You know how we have spirit week right? Well one of the days was sports day and barely anyone wore anything! Even on the Superbowl day no one cared!" I was surprised he cared that much about how students act, enough to be surprised no one cared for a sport he didnt enjoy. He rambled on and told me in highschool he used to play baseball and was the pitcher. He told me he hasnt really played since then so his aim must be bad but man that image of him as a baseball player is so cool. He is so cool. We talked about basketball (we were attending one after all) and i told him about how i played on an opposing team against these girls after school for fun and that theyre scary and aggresive even if theyre your friends. He laughed and agreed, he said that if he played these girls he would probably lose as well. That was the main points i could remember but we talked about miscellaneous things throughout and inbetween. I loved every second, his voice is the most beautiful thing ive heard in my life. And before I knew it the game was over, we lost by about 20 points, we were out of the playoffs. I shouldve been sad or frustrated but i wasnt! I walked down the bleachers with him with a smile on both of our faces. We stood in front of the bleachers and my current english teacher came up to us and joined our conversation. She laughed when she saw him and teased at him beard and hair. I wouldve been jealous but shes a middle aged woman that is married with children versus him whose single and in his 20s. I fist bumped her as well and i joked about "humanization" (a dumb joke about a meeting the teachers had about how if you interact with the students like handshakes or fistbumps will """humanize""" us students) B didnt get it so my english teacher explained and he was like "thats dumb lmao" and hes just the cutest man. We all talked for a bit before parting ways. He went out the side entrance and I went out the front entrance but just before we hit the door i saw him glacing at me before i looked back at him and waved my hand up high and yelled "It was nice seeing you B!" and he yelled back waving that it was nice that he saw me as well. I walked out and called my parents but couldnt come for another hour or so since they were at a casino that was a far distance. So i decided to explore the school since it was so pretty. I circled the building and i was singing loudly because i was so happy. I reached the back entrance and I made eye contact with a couple making out who was just staring at me because i was signing so loudly. I went silent for like 3 seconds then burst into laughter and yelled out "WHO CARES??" to myself and I began singing again. I never felt this content in my life. I reached the field and stood in one of the baseball fields they had and imagined B pitching a ball. I held onto that image for a while, there was no one in the field afterall so I was alone in my thoughts. I finally got up after a while and walked around the field and i was still bursting with energy due to being so overfilled with happiness i began running laps! Laps! You guys dont understand how un-athletic i am and to run laps voluntarily is rare. I ended up running 2 and a half laps. When i got tired i flopped down in the middle of the field and looked at the stars since it was practically night now. You could see more stars on this side of town than where i lived. It was amazing. I picked up one of those wish flowers and blew it with nothing in mind. This was the first time I couldnt think of anything to wish for. All ive been wishing for for these past months came true and i was the happiest girl alive at the moment. I whispered to him as if he were beside me, "I'm in love with you." I could swear my heart swelled 10x as big today. I havent seen him in months, 5 months to be exact, and seeing him revived feelings that were always going strong but just needed that little spark. Today the little spark was ignited. And i cant stop smiling now.

[dadzawa-adopt-dabi]

1-35 on fanfic asks

1. From one to five stars, how would you rate your writing? (No downplaying yourself!)

2 stars maybe? Im not great and i forget a lot of things. but no one can stop me from writing and i enjoy it. the more i do it the more i may like my own writing one day

2. Why do you write fanfiction? Fanfiction is everything to me. It was a matter of time until i started writing it seriously for myself.

3. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

Literally nothing. I tend to go off with ships and specific things i want represented... but thats it. anyone can write.

4. Are there any writers that inspire you?

Always! so many! the best thing about fanfiction is how it builds upon itself and spreads!

5. What’s the fic you’re most proud of?

Im very proud of Secret Baby/ River run. Its large and a mess and i hate it. But im proud ive done it. A completed one im proud of is "Compress said its his turn on the murder screen" i think i did well with that one and kept the tone I wanted.

6. What element of writing do you find comes easily?

Arguments between characters and having them express themselves other ways.

7. What element of writing do you struggle with most?

It's the making up and posting works i struggle with. Along with editing which is another monster.

8. Which character(s) do you find easiest to write?

I do love the murder boys! Dabi, Itachi, Deidara, Naruto (should have killed everyone), Reno. If theyve got issues i love them!

9. Which character(s) do you find most difficult to write?

happy characters. I just don't know what to do with them. Like a domestic setting with no action? nope not for me!

10. What’s your favorite genre to write for?

Hurt/comfort has always been my jam!

11. Who or what do you find yourself writing about most?

im not entirely sure? I havent been really writing/posting that long.

12. Tell us about a WIP you’re excited about.

Expectations! its a collaboration i'm working on with a friend and a DabiHawks fanfiction again! It's a fic where they fall in bed together before they even like each other. A lot of assumptions are made and not a lot of talking gets done until quite a bit of Damage has been done. Hawks finds out that Dabi's been doing some things he wasnt comfy with just because he didnt know how to tell Hawks and because he was attached to him. It's messy and won't get less so.

interesting to write to say the least because im such a Zero tolerance person.

13. First fandom you ever wrote for?

Naruto lol

14. What’s your favorite fandom to write for?

part of my heart will always belong to naruto. can't leave it. But im enjoying writing for bnha immensely!

15. What’s the weirdest fandom you’ve ever written for?

Food Fantasy! a video game i did a short one shot on last october!

16. Any guilty pleasure trope(s)?

Soulmate au's! Omegaverse! I love tropes! Oh! Hanahaki!

17. A trope you’ll never, ever write for.

none.

18. Wildest fic you’ve ever written?

I wouldn't say ive done anything too wild?

19. Do you prefer canon-compliant, AUs, or something in-between?

get canon away from me! i love au's! any and all!

20. Gen fic or shippy stuff?

both!

21. Favorite pairing to write for? (platonic or romantic!)

currently its DabiHawks! i love my enemies to lovers! (everyone deserves compassion lave and basic decency)

22. Do you listen to anything while you write?

Sometimes! some fics have specific playlists!

23. Do you prefer prompts and challenges, or completely independent ideas?

All of the above! i dont know how to put wips back lol!

24. One-shots or multi-chaptered works?

I like one shots better but the amount of effort for multichapter fics is something else tbh!

25. Have you ever daydreamed about side adventures/spin-offs from your fic? Tell us about them!

Yes a few times brought on by comments! What if Hawks ran in to Dabi early on or if Dabi had stayed and talked to Hawks the last night they spent together. None of it ever really goes well? Dabi has no support besides his Significant Other in both of these and i dont like that.

26. Is there anything you’ve wanted to write, but you’ve been too scared to try?

Nope! Ive been getting the hang of NSFW and i feel like that's one of my biggest areas to improve on!

27. What’s the nicest comment you’ve ever received?

any! seriously i love comments! telling me to write more or that i forgot something was done 6 chapters ago or a string of emoji's!

28. How well do you handle criticism when it comes to your writing?

Much better than I used to!

29. Have you ever gone outside of your comfort zone for a fic? How did it turn out?

Every time i post lol. Im pretty comfortable with a variety of things! there's been times in this roleplay i participate in that i was very uncomfortable with how my character was acting but that was the entire point and it turned out well considering the outrage he kept causing!

30. Tooth-rotting fluff or merciless angst?

Best of both! ive also taken a shine to writing things that out of story context are fluff but in context are horrendous angst!

31. Do you have any OCs? Tell us about them!

Nope! I don't really do Oc's!

32. Summarize a random fic of yours in 10 words or less.

Secret Baby/ River Run- Dabi gets pregnant and runs away. Hawks is the father.

33. Is there anything you wish your audience knew about your writing or writing process?

I've had such a kind fantastic audience but i wish they would pay some more attention sometimes to why i have characters do things the way they do. Hawks leaves Dabi alone? theres a reason for that and the awnser is not to stalk him. even for Dabi's saftey.

34. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of.

Dabi dosen't meet Rumi like expected. He expected to just get taken out by her in a fight one day, if they met at all. Not him cleaning his torn staples in Hawks bathroom after he's been shoved in there, Rumi having interrupted a blowjob and Hawks had roughly shoved him in his bathroom. He couldn't hear much of the conversation going on outside. But what he could made his face burn with embarrassment as he tried to put himself together. The fact that she was also a Hero and Hawks best friend made him nervous. What a great first impression, sucking her best friends dick with a bloody face. -" NOT DATING-" Hawks voice broke through for a moment and then quieted. -"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF HE'S A VILLAIN KEIGO, HE WAS JUST GIVING YOU A BLOWJOB THERE IS NO ." There was a loud thump as Rumi was yelling and Dabi let himself flinch here in private. She quieted down soon after she had started yelling. Dabi sat down against the sinks cupboard and rested his head on his knees. Waiting for it to stop and Hawks to kick him out. He wouldn't actually get to meet Rumi as Keigo's, well as Keigo's anything. It was just sex between them on Hawks end anyways. There's stomping towards the door and Dabi scrambles up as he resists the urge to lock the door. To lock himself inside like a child thinking it will save him from Enjis rath. Hawks is.... he's not kind to Dabi, but he's not Enji either. The door opens and Rumi's gaze finds him as he's getting up. He ducks his head and gives a little half hearted wave, not sure what she's doing. Why she's looking at him with a gaze much softer than expected. "Hey. Sorry I walked in on you guys. I'm Rumi. Hawks best friend he's been hiding away from you." "I uh. Um. Dabi? I go by Dabi. I think it's more like I'm just his dirty little secret." He gives a small dry chuckle and a smirk, a tad on the mean side like he did with Keigo. It came out a little to real and he winced. He sounded like a whiny asshole, he thought as he kept his gaze on his bare toes digging into the tile. "Dabi, I doubt Keigo thinks of you like that." Rumi reaches her hand out and Dabi tenses in anticipation of her grabbing him. To harm him maybe? To throw him in cuffs? Out of Keigo's apartment but he has no doubt that he will be there soon enough after Rumi leaves. "Its fine. I'm just a villain he can sleep with ya know?" Rumi gets a determined look in her eye as she draws her hand back, having noticed him tense up. "I'm going to give you my number Dabi. Villains don't any resources and I don't like how Hawks treated you when I walked in. If anything happens, I want you to have a way out. I don't think you've told your friends who your sleeping with. Or you would have teleported out of here." Dabi hands his phone over still in shock to Rumi and she gently takes it. She's still super confident in person but, there's no violence or anger from her. Its... suprising.

35. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!

Dabi and Hawks can both have issues and have to put in some serious effort to not only see those issues, but work together with them. this has been a PSA.

[vitalmindandbody]

If not my surname or my husband’s, could we call our child after a New Zealand volcano?

Franki Cookney and her husband didnt much like one another surnames, so now theyre having a baby theyve are determined to pick a brand-new one

When my husband, Rob, and I wedded last year, the question of what to do about our surnames scarcely participated our discussions. We are both writers, so our identifies are on every piece of work we do. That we would impede our own seemed a demonstrated. There was just one niggling mistrust. What would happen if we had children?

I had always had considered that we would just protrude both our reputations on birth certificates credential, but I knew this didnt quite resolve the problem. Whose call would go first? And which appoint would end up being used?

We could use a double-barrel identify, but didnt seem our surnames, Cookney and Davies, lent themselves to hyphenation. Whichever prescribe you have selected, the result is clunky and we were reluctant to saddle a child with it.

We could have just chosen whichever refer sounded best with our newborn given name. But in that scenario, one mother purposes up not sharing a surname with their child and neither of us missed that. Plus, Id listened too many narratives of mothers being agreed upon at airfield insurance because the epithets on their passports didnt competitor that of their children.

The conventional alternative of taking my husbands surname was never on the table. Fairly apart from the feminist principle of not was intended to relinquish my identity for his, I wasnt keen on the reputation. Rob supported this and was by no means offended. The misfortune was, he wasnt a fan of my name either. Its just a bit cumbersome, he said. Its virtually Cockney but not quite. Youre incessantly having to spell it out. We looked at our moms maiden mentions and our grandparents names but always ceased up back in the same plaza, feeling that it wasnt equal, that picking one side of their own families over another wasnt fair.

We hit on the idea of taking a brand-new name about a year ago when before our wed we went to write our wills. As we chatted to one of the attorneys, it transpired that he and his wife had done exactly this. Theres a fair bit of admin, but its good, it makes, he said , nod decisively. Unexpectedly, it didnt seem so preposterous. This wasnt some foolish rebellion or bohemian pretentiousness, this was something lawyers did!

We mooted it with pals, who were largely unfazed. What refer will you go for? was the thing they were most strange about. Good topic. Could we blend the letters of our identifies and develop something new, we amazed. Rosters were reached: Dents, Cave, Devine, Kinsey, Dacovnicks Cookies? Nothing of them fairly hit the mark.

As our wedding depicted nearer, we employed the appoint activity on a back burner. But when I became pregnant 3 months later, we were forced to look at developments in the situation afresh and decided to change tacking. How about a home? I recommended. Somewhere weve saw that we cherished. A backpacking stint before we got married had left us with batch to choose from but most sounded reasonably odd when attributed to a couple of ordinary Brits. Rob and Franki Tongariro owned a certain verve, but naming yourself after a New Zealand volcano would be ridiculous. And Zhangjiajie might make remembers of dazzling Chinese mountains, but imagine having to incantation it every time you booked a whisker appointment or called your internet provider. For a while Salento and Chaltn were on the schedule, after places available in Colombia and Argentina. But we werent convinced we are to be able pull off the patently Latino-sounding former and supposed the latter would result in a lifetime of chastising people who pronounced it Charlton.

Then Rob said, What about Stone Town? The beautiful old-fashioned town of Zanzibar City is where he had asked me to marry him. It instantly appeared right. Stone was straightforward but significant. It chimed good with both our first name and after a few weeks of trying it on with other reputations would work well with almost anything we chose for our baby. It was perfect: a solid name( with a potential for puns that was not failed on us) that felt like a constructive solution to our problem. We would keep our original surnames for undertaking and accept this new last name for our personal lives.

By law, all you need to do to change your reputation is, well, change it. Simply accepting and using your brand-new epithet is enough. Modernizing your accountings and accounts, nonetheless, requires a document of proof such as a union credential or, in our case, a deed poll. There is no official space of acquiring a deed ballot. You can write one yourself expending free templates from the internet, but shortfall of lucidity about the relevant procedures develops in some institutions demanding an original credential despite the fact that no such happen dwells. You can either fight it out or you can do what we did and pay 15 -2 0 for a company such as the Deed Poll Office to draw up the word on your behalf and periodical and stomp it on watermarked newspaper. Passed the roll of bodies and organisations you have to notify and the health risks statements over what constitutes an original certificate, this seemed a reasonable compromise.

Perhaps it was naive, but we didnt expect to meet with resistance. Uncertainty, perhaps. Intrigue, for certain. When it is necessary to getting married, we had trenched almost every institution proceeding, prohibiting the matrimony itself, and no one had wondered us. Surely this too would be seen as a modern updated information on an outdated habit. But where reference is announced our decided not to our families, the reaction was mixed.

Franki and Rob. Photograph: Christian Sinibaldi for the Guardian

While they understood our quagmire, the common refrain was that the child would lose the connection to its family history. Try as I might, I cant know what this is. To me, family history moves far deeper than ones refer. Its in accordance with the rules “were living”, our values, the gumption and shared event passed down through generations. It is part of the storytelling our parents did and its in the legends we, more, will tell and the beliefs we will share.

Our roots are not in our calls, they are in our natures. My grandmother, whose surname was Jones, is important to me not because of her reputation but because of her love. My great-grandmother, a midwife I never even encountered, let alone shared a name with, forms a part of my feel of identity. Why? Because of the road my own mother talks about her, because of the pictures she has painted in my head of that life, that family, that time.

Interestingly, the mention itself has also testified a sticking point, with a few people commenting that its bearing. Youre doing this really unusual thing but youve picked a really ordinary mention, said one colleague, as though by doing something different we are obliged to go the whole hog and announce ourselves Rob and Franki Thundercats.

In fact, the accessibility of the figure was something we reckoned would be used sell the idea. It is about to change “were in” naive there, too. My baby, a former primary school teacher, insisted that someone called Stone would be taunted. Another relative describing him as a dead weight of a name.

In my experience, children will come up with nicknames no matter what. I wasted often of my school years known as Franki Cookie while my first name was regularly elongated to Frankenstein, Frankincense or Frankfurter.

Never tell people your call options in advance, advised one pal( too late ). Its as if telling people in advance is inviting a exchange or consultation!

While my familys notions apparently matter to me, I suspect she might be right. Eventually, this is our decision, based on our requires, and I hope they will come to see it as a practical and positive step , not an irresponsible one.

Its almost impossible to get everyone on board, lawyer another friend, who changed her surname by deed poll in 2004. The project upset my granny but my dad, her son, understood. When I marriage my husband, he took my reputation. Im still not sure two brothers was 100% behind us, but when we had our first son, he was the first to be born into our empire. Im so excited that we are the first in our tree!

This is exactly how I seem. I love the idea that our child will be born into this new, specifically opted and carefully thought-out family name. And if one day he or she decides to change it either to something new or to one of our old-time family name we will fully support that.

Even when you change names, lineage going to be able be traced and, if nothing else, I like to think we will be looked back on as all those people who tried something new; who instead of preparing do with an unsatisfactory place, remembered creatively about how to solve it. Thats a family bequest Im glad with.

Read more: www.theguardian.com

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[foreveregyptian]

DO ALL OF THE AESTHETIC ASKS (but not the ones you're uncomfortable answering)

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

last monday in the gameroom a little louder than i should have

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

any moment i’ve spent with people whose company i enjoy

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

I would increase my voluntary salah, make some more dua, probably pray my salah with other people instead of alone, and go back to jumuah (i havent been going and i miss it). overall increase my rememberance of Allah

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

things id like to accomplish in this life inshaallah (based on first thing that comes to mind)

-memorize the Quran

-get married 

-travel with my future husband everywhere (inshaallah inshaallah)

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

my mom honestly. sometimes we go on little adventures (thrift stores, short walks, cafes, or even grocery shopping) and she gets excited over the cutest things like teacups and stuff and she works so hard for her business and she balances so much on top of her normal responsibilities mashaallah shes such a great role model may Allah protect her and reward her for everything she does ameen

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

I would say my childhood was average, there were a few times where ive gone through rough patches but theyve made me who i am today and I’m thankful for that. 

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

a couple nights ago in front of my mom, i got overwhelmed with a bunch of things that stressed me out and she knew something was up and she asked about it so i kind of cried a bit. 

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

my future husband (inshaallah). I dont know why, but it just seems that it should be him. stargazing seems like a really peaceful activity that requires comfortable quiet and that was the first thing that came to mind. 

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

not really.... considering the fact i’m kind of awkward at first meeting people. 

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

with maryam, shes one of my best friends and im thankful for her

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

To anyone in the room, my shahaada (bearing witness that there is no God worthy of worship except Allah and that Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him is His servant and Messenger)

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

They’re calming to look into! 

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

Its a verse from the Quran that I feel like has affected my life alot, from surah Hashr ayah 59, the translation being “And be not like those who forgot Allah, so He made them forget themselves. Those are the defiantly disobedient.” along with surah Ra’d ayah 28, “Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest”. Lately ive been feeling alot of anxiety for issues of this dunya, and at the same time i have to be honest but I wasnt 100% with remembering Allah. I was doing it, but it wasnt with the best intentions, and I’m trying to fix it. Alhamdulillah my chest is a bit lighter and I feel calmer, as if my heart is at more ease than it was before, subhanallah. 

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

probably donate it to my community school, they really need the money for repairs. 

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

I didnt used to be. I used to hold grudges for a long time until i realized it wasnt healthy and also it wasnt good. and then i was forgiving to people who had harmed me, but if anyone did anything to my friends i would stay mad at them even when my friends had forgiven them (at this point i was like okay tasneem chill). now i can say (alhamdulillah) that i have an okay level of forgiveness (better than what i used to have before).

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

Dont worry about what other people think about you because none of it matters in the end. You are beautiful. You will go through fake friends and one sided friendships and they will leave but you will find gems that will help you grow as a person and will be there for you and call you out on your mistakes for your sake so grit your teeth a bit more and ride it out, verily with hardship comes ease. drill that in your mind, repeat it, because you will go through so much difficulty and emptiness but none of it is in vain. You did not go to umd like you wanted but youre much happier here alhamdulillah and you’ll see why. 

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

pastel! definetly pastel

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

I’ve been exposed to cultures where nose piercings are normal, and i have my ears pierced. for myself i wouldnt want to go past either of those but people are free to pierce whatever they want. Tattoos mehhhhhh i wont judge anyone who has them but theyre not allowed in Islam. personally i prefer henna. 

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

i wear whatever im in the mood/energy for on each given day, but if its a big even i do a full face (what i consider full face is foundation/concealer and my eyes/eyebrows, plus occasional highlight) I dont have time in my routine for eyeshadow or learning how to do it. On class days that i do wear it it’ll range from fresh face to eyebrows and eyeliner+mascara. 

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

Donald Trump, you are the shittiest human being in the world. (not changing this) 

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

(has not been to a concert)

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

red bc its cool

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

zaynub, maryam, hibaaq, afraah, and raneem and maybe somewhere in dc or an art museum or a city with cafes OH YEAH A CAT CAFE 

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

i saw this fanart of a hijabi airbender and it was so freaking cool i wanted to do a costume party and do a hijabified avatar character bc thats sick as heck

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

lol the most high ive been was at the dentist office off of laughing gas and my limbs were falling off the chair and i was laughing my head off 

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

kill someone

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

i’d rather only listen to one song because i love the people i surround myself with and i cant choose just one. 

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

for me it was kind of heart painful. my heart would miss the person a bit after they passed by and it would go on for months... wishing for another way to see them even if its just a few seconds, the feeling that you’ve met before and wish to meet again, and after a long time when you think you’re over them, they show up and it all starts over. 

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

i’ve been told id look good in short hair and ive always wanted to try it?

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

honestly my drinks vary but i usually like eating the turkey egg white sandwich. not even myself bc i never know what i want from there *nervous sweats*

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

making it to Paradise via pleasing Allah (SWT)

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i need to do some writing today.

here is what i know as a fact: i am undoubtedly more mature emotionally and in overall life than him. no matter what, i will always handle life easier than him because “my journey” “taught me” “how to be strong”.but its not strength. its like.. an armour coating. and i just kept painting a protective sealant around my soul everytime something happened so now when something happens thats pretty fucing bad, my reaction is much less than the average person. kind of like an ER trauma doctor - theyve seen so much. i have seen more than almost any other person my age. i know more. even though i didnt have the same experiences as them, i still know of life much more. i know the true reality of life as it is and not what is sold to you or influenced by a higher source. 

and life is absolute total complete shit. it’s totally completely terrible and if you are lucky - and ONLY if you are lucky, will you find your own success which will satisfy you just enough to make it through. 

i am not depressed solely because my father is dead. thats simple. that doent stop me from living my life. if he just died randomly - that sucks ass but you move on. its not his death. its his life. he worked 47 years to have his pensions stolen legally. like government approved pension theft. he worked so hard to die in poverty. he wasnt a homeless person. he never borrowed money from anyone. he had no debts. why in the FUCK did he get that? what kind of god, if there was a god, would reward your earthly services with fucking poverty. the government told him if you pay your taxes and be a good citizen you will get X amount for the rest of your days but no where did they say if you get married though and become seperated your wife will take your pensions. what the fuck is seperation if nothing changes? 

47 years to be crippled in a lazy boy watching wrestling. FORTY. SEVEN. YEARS. where in the FUCK was his reward? he didnt even get a loving family! he died ALONE. he gave everything he had in his life toe veryone else and he died ALONE starving in a hospital bed. 

so tell me now how you paying 1.50 for air at the pump is the sign of the world ending. tell me how them raising the gas prices before a holiday is the worst of capitalism. tell me how you working sooo hard for the past year has been just absolutely terrible and “gotten you nowhere” as you live in your mothers house for free. 

bitch you dont even know the worst of life. you dont even know what it is to do everything right and stil get nothing for it. he said to me, “you dont know, ive had to actually work -” .. “ive watched a dozen men in the exact same position as you get royally fucked much harder than you and have to keep going. how does this give me any incentive to go out and work as i watched men break their back for _nothing_? their lives are no better.”

i told him that my doctor believes i completely understand whats going on. that im not like delusional or creating scenarios in my head - i have encountered the true realities of life and human beings have extreme difficulties dealing with some of the worst parts of life; such as moving & public speaking & death. 

so i go back and forth. because im told im shit i believe im shit and infantalize myself; i must be so ignorant and so blinded not to see the “truth” and that my depression is a fog keeping me from seeing positive things. 

but then there are times like this where i realize i might actually be one of the few people around me who actually see things for how they are. his mother returned from her vacation and immediately she brought a cloud of darkness with her because she is the epitome of mass consumption and spoiledness. and its become disgusting the level in which she is consuming and spending money and i cant even pretend to be amused anymore. it really pisses me off. because i have such little money i am dictated as to how i should be using it and what i should be buying and yet she has enough money to stock her house with food that has been expired for two years and continue to buy more and be particular about bagged milk or eggs with omega 3 and its like you lived on an island which shouldve been closer to farm life and you somehow came out entitled and spoiled as fuck. my friend and i slept in her bed for four hours one night after drinking and she left her rings but we didnt know. his mother found them and fraked out that we slept in her bed because “you cant sleep in a bed someone else has slept in”.

and its like within this “concern” she had no bearng at all on the fact she was insulting me and my friend. he said, “theyre probably cleaner than i am” in response because it did sound like she was saying my friend and i were sooo dirty we somehow sullied her bed. like we’re below her and we fucked up her things. this is of course after she had moved my bag of laundry from inside the house to the garage. so its like one after another thing making me feel sooo second class and shitty and hes crying about 1.50 at the pump. his own mother is apart of the larger problem and continually makes me feel like shit. theres no reason for my laundry to be moved; at all. it was just ‘ugh get out of my house’ without saying it because people like her make passive aggressive moves while smiling sunshine out of their ass. 

the weekend was continually up ad down with him. when he returned he was so excited to see me. he was super affectionate and loving and outwardly praising me in front of his friends and it was really fucing nice and it lulled me into a false sense of security. but like in no way do i believe hes acting malicious. like he did this purposely to manipulate me. his actions were not done maliciously, but this is the result of them. i was lulled into false security because the next four days were very up and down and not great but still okay?

on thursday & friday he was very focused on the time i spent with a new friend. but he portrayed this like a “joke”. like he was “mocking” it or “making fun”. but it became like.. so often that it was not a joke. it became a VERY clear sign of insecurity that amounted on saturday to me saying i was “bored” and him becoming VERY insecure. he apologized that i was bored, he “joked” that i would disappear for a day and suck some other guys dick and lie about it for six months. and lke these are not jokes. theyre said as jokes, his tone is joking but this is not a joke. this is a projection of insecurity.

but the thing is it doesnt make sense. our “relationship” is “open”. for all intents & purposes, hes allowed to “be with other people”. will i also be with him? .... remains to be seen. maybe i will. i dont know. i cannot say if he is sooooo important and i am soooo progressed in my perspectives that i would say i cant be associated with him. i dont know yet. but this is an “allowable occurence” as deemed by him and “agreed” to by me. so this is open. but its becoming increasingly apparant that this is not open for me. none of my actions in any way can or should be considered “cheating”. not that any of my actions ould be described as cheating - ive gone for drives & walks with friends and drew pictures. i have not even physically touched another man in a year beyond a hug which has lasted probably maximum ten seconds long. but even if i had 2 minue long hugs which tured to make out sessions and sucked dick at the end - it shouldnt be cheating. there is no rule that says this is cheating. everything says this is okay. if HE can do it, then CERTAINLY i can also. 

he directly referrred to the fact that my new friend had gone to an art gallery in kitchener and wondered outloud if thats what he shouldve done but didnt think it wold be worth it. he was just focused on the fact this person existed in my life at all and that he would be seen as boring and uninteresting in comparison. i had never seen him so outwardly insecure and bothered by something like this in our relationship.

the next morning he woke up and reminded me that we had an open relationship and that he thought about these other girls and wanted this and this etc. it seemed obvious that he was saying this because he was upset by the insinuation i thought he was boring (which i never said, btw, i said i was “bored”. i specifically remember saying i was bored. period. not that he caused the boredom or was a boring person) and maybe was looking somewhere else. like he had built the delusion up so far he had to hurt me with “yeah well i can do this too” even though i wasnt. i told him this later on and he meekly said that wasnt why he had brought it up but it clearly was. later that night he said, “if you leave me you have to tell me so i can leave you first” which i felt succinctly described what happened - he felt like i was going to leave him so he pre-empted by reminding me he could also fill my space. 

i continually repeated that i wasnt going to leave him but it became so exaggerated that .. it wasnt that i didnt believe that i wasnt going to leave him but i didnt believe there was a relationship to leave. what would i leave? was it not him who wanted to leave? was it not him who wanted more? was it not him whos unsatisfied? why would you assume i would leave when its him whos unhappy? see, i want to have a life with him. i try to make an effort to have a life with him but im completely stuck. 

last night i helped him with this very dumb and futile task of taping large pieces of vinyl wrapping on a deck in the wind before a storm. i didnt have to but i did because i love him and knew it was a shitty task to have to do and next to impossible on your own. we werent able to do it and he was upset about it and his job and his life and within an hour was taking it out on me. he said that our relationship was the “easy way out” and that he could get instant gratification in his day by fucking and smoking weed. if he was alone more then he could have time to “think” and “be himself” and that i should respect when he says no or wants to be alone (he didnt say he wanted to be alone). he said hes run by anxiety and that in another time he wouldve just up and moved by now instead of talking about it.  

i felt really offended that our relationship had been degraded to instant gratification. it was the first time i really felt like a whore in the relationship and that my purpose was to fuck. i asked him what i could do when i was with him to encourage better choices beyond fucking and smoking weed. he told me there was nothing. so i also felt like i had no choice either but to be someone he fucks and smokes weed with and thats it. like i cant build a life with him because im just a fucktoy who smokes his weed. like sure, he wanted to express the dissatisfaction in our routine but he was no better than his mother in expressing it because he didnt care that he was insinuating i had no other use to him. 

he tried to be easy going after this conversation - i didnt respond to his crap but i did not feel good anymore. i made a legitimate effort to help him resolve his personal issues and he essentially shit on me. i wasnt condoning continuing the routine, i was encouraging a change and it was like no, we still have to do this but also give me time alone to have a seperate life.

and i live that already. i live this shitty duality of lives where i spend my days alone trying to put together a life i lead completely independent from him like he doesnt even exist and then have to pick it back up and act like its this most important thing of my life. there is no middle ground, its one extreme or the other while pretending tht this is a “relationship” and that we’re “in love”. but i think we just love each other. i dont think this is in love. maybe im in love, maybe because i understand “in love” more than him but i think he just loves me and cares about me. which is fine - its not even like i think he doesnt want to be with me. he does. but he is not really capable of being with me in the capacity that i need and im not needy. im not broken because this is not good enough for me and that im like wrong for wanting more. its natural and okay. 

he jokes that we are already married. that i will do womens work because he goes to work and i stay home. but there is no “home” in which to do this work in. he has not provided me anything beyond packs of smokes and weed and iced capps. like he supports me in the way the government supports me. just enough to still need more support but not fail completely. i thik he feels comfortable playing house and i’m sort of looking at him like are you for real? like the test drive is about to be over. 

he said he “felt like a prisoner” because he didnt want to go downstairs and make food and face his shitty mother. i told him i felt the same at my place with my roommate. but theres like.. no response. no empathy - like hey, we share the same shitty thing. or maybe even like a deeper understanding of who i am and the life i live without him. 

this morning i woke up and fel the same. he wanted to fuck and i didnt, i said no but he continued to pull down my pants. and this is not going into like some assault story because thats not it at all. yes,  i said no. and if i had pulled away and been like fuck no - it wouldve ended.  i wasnt trapped. i made a concious decision to let him do this but not even want it. and i dont think he really even cared; in many ways he can be pretty depraved and its likely the idea that i was doing it just to get it over with turned him on anyways. and i dont even judge these behaviors because the horrors and depravity and realities of life keep me interested and he is just honest about his depravity because people are ashamed of theirs. maybe i am too. not that i was turnd on by this; im not into guys fucking me when im not into it, but i coud probably participate in rape fantasies so maybe i can disconnect easier and take it for what it is. its never malicious. no one is uisng sex to make me feel this way except maybe myself. i took advantage of an oportunity to amke myself feel like shit for this brief moment. he came suprisingly fast. 

i think he knew i was upset though and i didnt want to have a conversation about his offenses at 630am. he started complaining about gas prices and air prices and i just took that as an opportunity to vent my projections and frustrations. like - fuck off. life is shit and you won the god damn lottery. your anxieties are insignificant and bullshit, you are ungrateful and self centered and lack empathy for others. like you feel “guilty” but you dont actually understand how THEY feel. like watching kids in africa and youre like omgz so sad *sends coffee money*. like, please. 

i tried to approach it from an empathetic point. we hae similar problems. we are both crippled by anxiety and finding a purpose / worth in life. we believe there are solutions “if we could just do this .. this would be better” and maybe we’re right. maybe. but the anxiety stops us. so i tried to help him with my own coping methods - he says he has too much anxiety to look at apartments. i told him to build it up, make it exciting, make it positive and follow through and then feel good about it even though it seems really stupid to have to put this much care and effort into a simple task. it still gets done, right?

he told me that doesnt work for him. i was like “oh”. i didnt know it was an option. when ive said this in the past he told me i wasnt trying hard enough, that i should do better. 

this morning i focused back on me. i hope im accepted for disability. i feel stuck. i want a break. i dont need to put in physical hours at someones business to deserve a fucking break in life. that does not determine my worth. and it shouldnt be this hard. it shouldnt. but society wants poor people dead. they do not care about mental health - and you’re right, no one cares about you. very few people will ever feel the momentous weight of no nest at all. 

so whatever, you know? you dont want to live with me? you dont want to spend time with me? then i just wish i had disability - not for the “quick fix” because nothing about it is quick. but for the opportunities it gives me because no one in the world can do anything without someone else. period. end of sentence. that is the true reality, that is what i absolutely know to be true in an experience which very few people have lived with and those who have would more than likely agree because most success stories are ones who have been elevated by someone or a system created by someones. i dont know a single one off hand that didnt have, “and then i met so and so and everything changed” or “and then i got this x opportunity through this person”. 

i dont want to be paid for in life. i dont want to be supported. i dont even want someone to ust completely pay for me out of their own pocket right now. thats terrible. i couldnt feel goood about it, no matter how “easy” it would be. i want to pay my share, support myself, my habits, my life by my own means. which is what i do now while putting in copious amount of  man hours into “womens work” to offset snacks and meals in what should be a “relationship”. 

i feel like this weekend was a good sign of why i need to work on accepting my independence as highest priority in life. i deserve a family but i wont have one right now because life is not fair as much as it is not fair for people who suffer in war and poverty in third world countries. life is no different - we all live in the same timeline & world & existence so this is not completely unheard of and people do survive terrible tragedies. life is just not fair and for as long as human beings existed as sentient beings, we have been creating unfair scenarios for the benefit of ourselves. thats life. thats what i can know and breathe as life. you can never be surprised or shocked by the actions of a human being - theyre just unpredictable and yet predictable at the same time because no matter what they will create unfairness in some capacity. and it took me soooooooo long to accept this knowledge at all. i wanted to believe that unfair things just happened. like some random force in the world makes unfair things happen and if you do enough right things then itll be smooth sailing glory days. but thats not it. life is not a series of check points. random organic beings evolved seperately like a colony of a million ants and althrough a million ants can make a whole workng system, within those millions are a million different minds. and they need the fucking colony because individually they are nothing but ants. theyre just things flying around on a big ball in a vast nothingness and everthing all a the ame time. and theyre terrified you know? theyre fucking terrified because you dont know why the fuc you came to be. youre just brething and shitting and eating and sleeping. what in the fuck is the purpose to all of this? and maybe theres no answer and youre just here on this fucking big blue ball flying in vast nothingness. but within the colony, its easier to eat and shit and sleep and not die or be threatened by imminent death. and you have a job, you have some task that keeps the gears rolling in this system that suddenly is more important than whats happening outside because this is easy and anything outside is hard and terrifying. 

but every being feels this. its not unique to one hero. its everyone. everyone evolved from nothing and inherited a really complex system that was supposed to make it easier to live and they hoped whoever birthed you prepared you appropriately for the system; if not, or if you’ve lost them, good luck. 

but at some point almost everyone, perhaps everyone, comes to a point, even in the comfort of their parents, where they question their purpose on this ball. why the fuck are we here, why am i in this system, how do i use it to benefit me if outside is unimaginable? how do i not hate myself for it?

and thats where we begin to create individualized coping strategies. maybe its leaning on your parents harder while you question existence, taking 9 yrs to graduate school, hitchhiking across the country, doing recreational drugs, finding “instant gratification” in other humans and eventually, hopefully, you find what works for you. and once you do, it will be hard to convince you otherwise because thats what makes you “happy”. you are at full “easy’ in life where all the basic needs have been covered and you havent degraded yourself for it - whether it be sucking dick or working long hours at a shitty job. 

so i find it hard to demonize anyone at all. even all the people who did me wrong. even all the shity actions described above - thats how they coped to find their personal “easy” because thats the very best you can get within this system because our agreed upon basic purpose in life is to make basic survival “easy”. perhaps our brains and mental capacities never considered what basic surivial truly entailed and maybe were not there yet. is it just breathing eating sleeping and shitting? of course, fucking is involved but thats a future survival of genetics and if you cant surviv until puberty, thats not even an issue. is it also tending to the care of emotional and mental development? 

i feel like society as a whole, human beings as a group, despite the individuals who might go against the majority, but as a group, in popular culture, emotions & mental status are not an issue until theyve created one. so we are purposefully ignoring what weve evolved to know to be a necessity in basic survival. yes, grandpa was ‘tough as nails’ but grandpa was not a fucking robot and perhaps learned good coping methods such as active hobbies, a friend to talk to or maybe grandpa drank a lot. humans are not weaker now, they were dumber before. they had no idea that mental illness existed, that some could be preventable or treated. they did not understand the brain as they did not understand space, the oceans - this is one of life’s greatest mysteries and since we dont understand it we imagine it to have a grand capacity but everything has its limitations. i dont understand the brain at all, i cant fathom the idea of why a person can continue to learn and adopt new things throughout life but never consider what is insde of themselves and capacity they have or why. they’re just full of pride that they managed to ‘achieve’ a perceived limitation. anyone can do anything. whether you have the tools or opportunities to do so is completely different. 

outside of genetic defects, everyone is made up of the same shit. no one is uniquely special or better. everyone, even ones with defects, needs to breathe eat shit and sleep. and thats where the unfairness comes in. for some people, in this system, their inheritance of privledges makes it way more opportunities to create “easy” things in their lives. why do they deserve this inheritance if we are all born as equals? no one as a baby did anything to deserve the opportunities or priviledges that set them up to inherit a better system. why did some babies get better opportunities thn others? 

the system is unfair but you cannot change the system when it still “works” for everone else. you cant change it. it’s so unfair, it’s so completely unfair. but no matter how fucking unfair it is you still need to eat. you still need to shit. you still need to sleep and breath clean air. and thats why you work. thats why you keep working. i try to imagine why others have chosen what they have. perhaps their parents brainwashed them into the system and they had other priviledges and they just blindly accept what they “know”. i question why people buy alot of things they do. i wonder why they put value of themselves, like it was worth doing literal work to earn the money to buy a tube of lipstick? how does that factor easy? but i guess life had become so easy that the anixieties about the color of their lips are higher priority than the comfort of their next shit. 

but THATS not the way it used to be. that would be the difference from grandpa to our modern world. and that frustrates me alot. i would thrive in a tiny home but at 27, and where im at now, thats like a dream i have for 20 mnues before entering real life again. its not going to happen. so how do i compromise right now? im walking wide eyed terrified alone on this big ball in vast nothingness, where do i find my “easy”? my inheritance was the same “strength” and stubbornness my parents had - no opportunity, no priviledge. i’ll survive, but it wont be pretty. 

if i get disability, i want to move. although i want to go to college, that’s a really big step in life that i think i can just hold as a goal. i would like to go to college before im 30. considering i am still interested in my original course and its something that is recession proof and doesnt really require “upgrading” any skills in the future - it’s a totally feasible and good goal. so i want to move. and i could probably move anywhere in ontario or the gta. i mean not even probably - i literally can. i can go anywhere. i have friends here. but i made them all in the past 2 years, without working. i guess i “worked” but it wasnt “work. i found a way to make that “easy”. 

i want to live a creative life. thats my pretty top priority in “easy independence”. i also want to accept that this is plan a b and c. theres no like, “well if this person comes along”. this is so desirable to me that it should take months of considderation to break down the intricacies of my own wants and desires and things i provided myself to decide to merge with someone. 

so im trying to do that. and it takes alot of thinking because this is life or death for me. this is happiness or failure. this is being stable and content or homeless poverty. im “afforded the luxury” of living somewhere “safe” that i can afford as i think about these things. where do i want to move? i want to have my own place. even if its like my friends with no kitchen, i want my own place that i dont have to worry about someone else in. my curret place feels like a hotel or dorm room.  i wan to feel comfortable spending time “alone” and actually be “alone”. id like to move closer to downtown because it was easier to walk around and had more ammenities. i consider also my doctor who woudve gotten me this opportunity and how important it might be to keep within travelling distance. but maybe its better to move? 

if i went to college, it would be in the same city he wants to move to, pretty much down the street 20 minutes away. thats the real insult to all of this. i could have a much easier time but hes decided to make both of our lives very difficult. do i want to move there if he does? or regardless? continue this expensive routine of having seperate places? or commute to college everyday, five days a week? its close to toronto, on the subway line - a total change from my life now. my life perhaps ever. 

i got the letter saying they got my application. it could take 90 business days to decide, which means i might not hear anything until november, maybe even december. which sucks pretty bad. but having even the glimmer of hope makes things “easier” for the time being. i still have this time to fill. and even if idid go to college next year, i have atleast a year before it starts. what do i do with the rest of 2017? he wants me to take a class. he told me also to start getting my liscence. i need a new phone to really kick off my new business idea and my desire to do anythng art related right ow is super low. i hate my environment. its cold and dark and damp and loud. i dont want to make anything, not even jewelry. 

i was paid five days ago but ive done nothing but buy weed and smokes. i havent bought any groceries yet. truthfully i havent showered since sunday (maybe saturday) and i wasnt even home until this morning. i mostly want to sleep. ive smoked so much weed, im not even really getting high anymore. spend some time with my cats who i had really started missing. im expected to open the arts colletive back up and announce upcoming plans but im still trying to care. just, at all. i fell off the radar and dedicated too much time to him and im sad that i cant even be anxious to seehim because even thats pointless now. 

[adambstingus]

Inside The Handmaiden: A Lesbian Erotic Thriller and the Sexiest Film of the Year

Acclaimed filmmaker Park Chan-wook (‘Oldboy’) opens up about his upcoming film over beers with Jen Yamato in Austin, Texas. “>

Halfway through his first trip to Texas, Korean auteur Park Chan-wook found himself on a tour of a picturesque religious compound notorious for the sex crimes of a cult-like spiritual leader. Five years ago, its once-venerated guru Prakashanand Saraswati fled the country, escaping a trial that saw him sentencedin absentiato over two centuries in prison. On a hot Texas afternoon in September, the director ofOldboystrolled the grounds with his Leica taking in the palatial white granite architecture.

Park was taken by the sights and the lurid true tale, soaking in the experience as he seems to all his travels. The director and avid photographer had come to Austin to screen his Cannes hitThe Handmaidenat Fantastic Fest following its Toronto premiere. Hed tasted Texas BBQ. Hed shopped for trinkets along South Congress Ave. When we met to discuss his period lesbian love-thriller over fine Texan beers this week, he was still marveling at the beauty and hidden perversity forever tied to the Barsana Dham.

It reminded me a little of Uncle Kouzuki inThe Handmaiden, he joked of one of the many deliciously complex characters in his new film, speaking through his traveling companion and translator, Wonjo Jeong. Im a photographer. I thought going to a place like this Id be able to capture some absurd images on my camera. The power that religion has over people, how it draws people in, is always amazing.

Park, arguably Koreas most famed and celebrated filmmaker, made his directorial debut in 1992 and scored his first huge hit in 2000 with the record-breakingJ.S.A.: Joint Security Area, a military thriller about a mysterious murder between soldiers from North and South Korea. In 2003 he released his intoxicatingly elegiac revenge thrillerOldboyand became forever synonymous with its brand of hyperviolent, perverse brutality.

But there are stratums to Parks films, even as they tend toward the extremes of genre, from the two other films that round out hisVengeance Trilogyto his vampire taleThirstto 2013sStoker, the gothic potboiler that marked his English-language Hollywood debut. Consider: When he describes to me the walrus carved from walrus tusk hed just bought at one of Austins eclectic thrift stores, the conversation winds its way to a documentary hed enjoyed, also on the subject of discovering extraordinary objects in the most unexpected places.

It was a documentary calledFinding Vivian Maier, Park recalled. She worked as a nanny to children and at one estate sale one young man bought a lot of her films, and thats how this photographer Vivian Maier came to light. It provided lots of inspiration forCarol, starring Rooney Mara.

Seated at a long wooden table in the corner of a bustling Austin brewery armed with sampler flights of local craft beers, we toasted with a Bavarian-style lager dubbed the Hell Yes, and Park admitted that he prefers Texas BBQ to Korean BBQ. I just dont like marinated meat, he smiled. Please know this: Not all Koreans are fans ofbulgogi. He is, however, something of a beer connoisseur, although homegrown suds have a ways to go. Im really into the Belgian beers, Belgian ales. Korean beer is notorious for being the worst beer in the entire world, he lamented. But recently, a savior has risen in Korea! One of the big beer breweries has started to brew ales. Its very good.

Back home with friends when bar-hopping turns to karaokepractically a national pastimethats my cue to go home.

I envy those people who can play like that, he mused. But I wasnt born that way, unfortunately. Ive overcome a lot of my shyness over the years. Now I can do interviews and go onstage to introduce my films. Its always a difficult thing to do but the work has transformed me. Still, when I walk down the street and see myself on one of those big LED screens on the side of the building, I cringe.

Parks films, however, are quite the opposite: Bold, ballsy, stylish, and often intensely brutal, theyve come to represent the pinnacle of Koreas art house extreme. His is a signature thats difficult to replicate. But despite not yet having seen Spike Lees American remake of Oldboyitself an adaptation of a Japanese mangahes all for the reinterpretation of art. If he had to remake one of Lees films, Park mulled, it would be Jungle Fever.

InThe Handmaiden, Octobers sweeping and engrossing thriller set during Japanese colonial rule in Korea and adapted loosely from Sarah Waters England-set novelFingersmith, director Parks stamp is as evident as ever. Newcomer Kim Tae-ri stars as Sook-hee, a young Korean woman whos sent to work as the new handmaiden to Japanese noblewoman Lady Hideko (Kim Min-hee), who lives in quiet obedience to a Korean-born uncle whos obsessed with Japanese and Western culture. The twistat least, thefirsttwistis that Sook-hees really there to help swindle Hideko out of her fortune and take her place. The rest of The Handmaidens sublime treasures are best unspoiled save for the fact that the two women fall headlong in lovemaking for some steamy lesbian sex scenes that seized critics attention out of Cannes, as well as Parks most romantic film to date.

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Park had wanted for a long time to portray a homosexual character onscreen, particularly in a Korean society that rarely sees such stories told. I knew I wanted to deal with the subject someday, he said. What kind of homosexual film? The kind where the protagonist, who is homosexual, is not afraid of his or her sexualityand is not suffering under the critical eye of a conservative society. I wanted to make a film free of all that.

He sips another sampler glass, a crisp pilsner a little too dry for his tastes. In this film, for the characters who have fallen in love with each other, its just a matter of course. Theres no question about it. The issue they have to overcome is entirely something else, in that one is supposed to be deceiving the other:Am I allowed to love the person Im tricking?There are other issues besides being the same sex.

In addition to depicting the magnetic attraction between its two female protagonists in tender and exquisite detail, The Handmaiden features some of the most frankly sensual lesbian lovemaking scenes sinceBlue is the Warmest Color. Like that films same-sex sex scenes, the film risks incurring criticisms of a leering male gaze, but they also unfold with a keen sense of humor that makes the steamy symmetry of his actresses nude gymnastics less lascivious and more lovingly real.

The humor is the crux, he emphasized. These sex scenes arent all about the panting, the sweating, the going through the motions. They constantly talk to each other, and they look at each others face, and they make jokes.

Sook-hee and Hideko are also two complex characters whose inner workings reflect bigger themes asThe Handmaidenunspools one layer after another. In transplanting the original novels setting to colonial Korea, Park seeded The Handmaidenwith pointed cultural criticisms loaded with meaning for the Korea of today as much as that of yesterday.

Films in Korea thus far which have depicted the colonial period were all about independent movements or resistance fighters, he said. But this film is all about falling in love with a Japanese woman. The villain is actually of Korean ethnicity. His mind, his inner workings, shows that of a typical Japanese sympathizercolonial lackeyat the time. We have enough stories and films about those who fought against Japanese imperialists. Why dont we show and talk about the Koreans who worshipped the Japanese?

He elaborated: My point is that this continues to this day. The only thing thats different is they no longer worship the Japanese imperialistsin their place, they worship the Americans. And rather than idolize American values, they have internalized American values.

In recent years, Park lent his voice to public petitions protesting his governments arms sales to Israel and the censorship of the Busan Film Festival (Compared to the people who put everything they have on the line for these fights and causes, its nothing, he said.) But its no coincidence that Park says what worries him the most about the world is the unequal distribution of wealth both at home in Korea and across the world at large.

Im not saying that everything about America is wrong, he said. Neither am I saying that everything from overseas is wrong. Im saying that everything needs to be in balance between whats our own and whats foreign, among those who have the money, the power, and the informationthe ruling class. One of the reasons some Americans say that this election is pointless is that whoever wins the election, well end up with the same world where capitalism is king.

Park also saw in The Handmaiden the chance to actively battle an industry-wide problem hed started to notice: The underrepresentation of female characters in film. Certainly my interest in young women has gone up because Im the father of a daughter, he said, raising a hoppy IPA to his lips, and it helped me to realize how in cinema there arent many films that deal with the desires of a young woman in an honest way. Films dont tend to portray women as the main subject. It helped me become aware of this problem.

He started showing his films to his daughter, whos now studying art at university, when she was a childwell, all of them except forOldboy, for obvious reasons. Because there was a father-daughter relationship I couldnt bring myself to show it to her, he said. She saw it when she went to university. Fortunately she likes my films. Both women in his life nameThe Handmaidenas their favorite movie of his.

I have heard there is a debate at this film festival where a verbal debate is followed by a boxing match, he smiled, referring to the annual Fantastic Fest spectacle known as the Fantastic Debates, where filmmakers and critics face off over vital cinematic topics and determine the ultimate winner by pounding it out in the ring. I wouldlovefor someone to step up and put this to the test: Prove that all of Park Chan-wooks films are romantic films.

Its ironic to Park, and perhaps a bit frustrating, that he might be known as an artist most concerned with stories of violent revengealthough his films, includingThe Handmaiden, have that, too. Deep down, hes got a romantic streak. It peeks out when he describes how, years ago, he met his wife and saw Vertigo for the first time, and thus fell in love twice on the same day. Creatively I ask her for her opinions and I take a lot of her suggestions, he said. And shes my first love.

Why, then, does he think his films tend toward boundary-pushing extremes of human behavior, like incest, betrayal, mutilation, and extreme violence? Because Ive lived such a boring and mundane life, he shrugged. Every storyteller should never confine themselves to the very small limits of their own experience. Rather, they should be able to put themselves in the position of every different kind of human beingand sometimes non-human beings, as well.

If Park has the ability to put himself in the paws of animals for the sake of art, does he feel bad even years later, for the poor octopi that gave their lives to be eaten by Choi Min-sik inOldboy, in whats still one of the most indelible scenes hes ever filmed?

He considered it, sipping a hoppy red named the Big Mama, a dish of bacon-wrapped quail between us. Not really, he said. In Korea, live octopus is served sliced into pieces, still wriggling on the plate. What difference does it make if its eaten chopped or whole?

Some cephalopod enthusiasts argue that octopi, with their uncanny abilities to liberate themselves from tanks and multitask, are creatures of consciousness who maybe even have souls. I explained how its a thought that haunts me every time I rewatch that scene in Oldboy, the tentacles writhing in Oh Dae-sus mouth as he renders its owner apartarguably that films most sensual and sensory moment, a visceral collision of art, life, and real violence.

Director Park gave it another moments thought. Im not sure whether the existence of a soul equates to your level of intellectual ability. Do we say that snappers dont have souls, but octopi do? If thats the case, what about cows and pigs? he countered, a twinkle in his eye. Youve seenBabe, right?

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/25/inside-the-handmaiden-a-lesbian-erotic-thriller-and-the-sexiest-film-of-the-year/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/162228109327

[samanthasroberts]

Inside The Handmaiden: A Lesbian Erotic Thriller and the Sexiest Film of the Year

Acclaimed filmmaker Park Chan-wook (‘Oldboy’) opens up about his upcoming film over beers with Jen Yamato in Austin, Texas. “>

Halfway through his first trip to Texas, Korean auteur Park Chan-wook found himself on a tour of a picturesque religious compound notorious for the sex crimes of a cult-like spiritual leader. Five years ago, its once-venerated guru Prakashanand Saraswati fled the country, escaping a trial that saw him sentencedin absentiato over two centuries in prison. On a hot Texas afternoon in September, the director ofOldboystrolled the grounds with his Leica taking in the palatial white granite architecture.

Park was taken by the sights and the lurid true tale, soaking in the experience as he seems to all his travels. The director and avid photographer had come to Austin to screen his Cannes hitThe Handmaidenat Fantastic Fest following its Toronto premiere. Hed tasted Texas BBQ. Hed shopped for trinkets along South Congress Ave. When we met to discuss his period lesbian love-thriller over fine Texan beers this week, he was still marveling at the beauty and hidden perversity forever tied to the Barsana Dham.

It reminded me a little of Uncle Kouzuki inThe Handmaiden, he joked of one of the many deliciously complex characters in his new film, speaking through his traveling companion and translator, Wonjo Jeong. Im a photographer. I thought going to a place like this Id be able to capture some absurd images on my camera. The power that religion has over people, how it draws people in, is always amazing.

Park, arguably Koreas most famed and celebrated filmmaker, made his directorial debut in 1992 and scored his first huge hit in 2000 with the record-breakingJ.S.A.: Joint Security Area, a military thriller about a mysterious murder between soldiers from North and South Korea. In 2003 he released his intoxicatingly elegiac revenge thrillerOldboyand became forever synonymous with its brand of hyperviolent, perverse brutality.

But there are stratums to Parks films, even as they tend toward the extremes of genre, from the two other films that round out hisVengeance Trilogyto his vampire taleThirstto 2013sStoker, the gothic potboiler that marked his English-language Hollywood debut. Consider: When he describes to me the walrus carved from walrus tusk hed just bought at one of Austins eclectic thrift stores, the conversation winds its way to a documentary hed enjoyed, also on the subject of discovering extraordinary objects in the most unexpected places.

It was a documentary calledFinding Vivian Maier, Park recalled. She worked as a nanny to children and at one estate sale one young man bought a lot of her films, and thats how this photographer Vivian Maier came to light. It provided lots of inspiration forCarol, starring Rooney Mara.

Seated at a long wooden table in the corner of a bustling Austin brewery armed with sampler flights of local craft beers, we toasted with a Bavarian-style lager dubbed the Hell Yes, and Park admitted that he prefers Texas BBQ to Korean BBQ. I just dont like marinated meat, he smiled. Please know this: Not all Koreans are fans ofbulgogi. He is, however, something of a beer connoisseur, although homegrown suds have a ways to go. Im really into the Belgian beers, Belgian ales. Korean beer is notorious for being the worst beer in the entire world, he lamented. But recently, a savior has risen in Korea! One of the big beer breweries has started to brew ales. Its very good.

Back home with friends when bar-hopping turns to karaokepractically a national pastimethats my cue to go home.

I envy those people who can play like that, he mused. But I wasnt born that way, unfortunately. Ive overcome a lot of my shyness over the years. Now I can do interviews and go onstage to introduce my films. Its always a difficult thing to do but the work has transformed me. Still, when I walk down the street and see myself on one of those big LED screens on the side of the building, I cringe.

Parks films, however, are quite the opposite: Bold, ballsy, stylish, and often intensely brutal, theyve come to represent the pinnacle of Koreas art house extreme. His is a signature thats difficult to replicate. But despite not yet having seen Spike Lees American remake of Oldboyitself an adaptation of a Japanese mangahes all for the reinterpretation of art. If he had to remake one of Lees films, Park mulled, it would be Jungle Fever.

InThe Handmaiden, Octobers sweeping and engrossing thriller set during Japanese colonial rule in Korea and adapted loosely from Sarah Waters England-set novelFingersmith, director Parks stamp is as evident as ever. Newcomer Kim Tae-ri stars as Sook-hee, a young Korean woman whos sent to work as the new handmaiden to Japanese noblewoman Lady Hideko (Kim Min-hee), who lives in quiet obedience to a Korean-born uncle whos obsessed with Japanese and Western culture. The twistat least, thefirsttwistis that Sook-hees really there to help swindle Hideko out of her fortune and take her place. The rest of The Handmaidens sublime treasures are best unspoiled save for the fact that the two women fall headlong in lovemaking for some steamy lesbian sex scenes that seized critics attention out of Cannes, as well as Parks most romantic film to date.

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Park had wanted for a long time to portray a homosexual character onscreen, particularly in a Korean society that rarely sees such stories told. I knew I wanted to deal with the subject someday, he said. What kind of homosexual film? The kind where the protagonist, who is homosexual, is not afraid of his or her sexualityand is not suffering under the critical eye of a conservative society. I wanted to make a film free of all that.

He sips another sampler glass, a crisp pilsner a little too dry for his tastes. In this film, for the characters who have fallen in love with each other, its just a matter of course. Theres no question about it. The issue they have to overcome is entirely something else, in that one is supposed to be deceiving the other:Am I allowed to love the person Im tricking?There are other issues besides being the same sex.

In addition to depicting the magnetic attraction between its two female protagonists in tender and exquisite detail, The Handmaiden features some of the most frankly sensual lesbian lovemaking scenes sinceBlue is the Warmest Color. Like that films same-sex sex scenes, the film risks incurring criticisms of a leering male gaze, but they also unfold with a keen sense of humor that makes the steamy symmetry of his actresses nude gymnastics less lascivious and more lovingly real.

The humor is the crux, he emphasized. These sex scenes arent all about the panting, the sweating, the going through the motions. They constantly talk to each other, and they look at each others face, and they make jokes.

Sook-hee and Hideko are also two complex characters whose inner workings reflect bigger themes asThe Handmaidenunspools one layer after another. In transplanting the original novels setting to colonial Korea, Park seeded The Handmaidenwith pointed cultural criticisms loaded with meaning for the Korea of today as much as that of yesterday.

Films in Korea thus far which have depicted the colonial period were all about independent movements or resistance fighters, he said. But this film is all about falling in love with a Japanese woman. The villain is actually of Korean ethnicity. His mind, his inner workings, shows that of a typical Japanese sympathizercolonial lackeyat the time. We have enough stories and films about those who fought against Japanese imperialists. Why dont we show and talk about the Koreans who worshipped the Japanese?

He elaborated: My point is that this continues to this day. The only thing thats different is they no longer worship the Japanese imperialistsin their place, they worship the Americans. And rather than idolize American values, they have internalized American values.

In recent years, Park lent his voice to public petitions protesting his governments arms sales to Israel and the censorship of the Busan Film Festival (Compared to the people who put everything they have on the line for these fights and causes, its nothing, he said.) But its no coincidence that Park says what worries him the most about the world is the unequal distribution of wealth both at home in Korea and across the world at large.

Im not saying that everything about America is wrong, he said. Neither am I saying that everything from overseas is wrong. Im saying that everything needs to be in balance between whats our own and whats foreign, among those who have the money, the power, and the informationthe ruling class. One of the reasons some Americans say that this election is pointless is that whoever wins the election, well end up with the same world where capitalism is king.

Park also saw in The Handmaiden the chance to actively battle an industry-wide problem hed started to notice: The underrepresentation of female characters in film. Certainly my interest in young women has gone up because Im the father of a daughter, he said, raising a hoppy IPA to his lips, and it helped me to realize how in cinema there arent many films that deal with the desires of a young woman in an honest way. Films dont tend to portray women as the main subject. It helped me become aware of this problem.

He started showing his films to his daughter, whos now studying art at university, when she was a childwell, all of them except forOldboy, for obvious reasons. Because there was a father-daughter relationship I couldnt bring myself to show it to her, he said. She saw it when she went to university. Fortunately she likes my films. Both women in his life nameThe Handmaidenas their favorite movie of his.

I have heard there is a debate at this film festival where a verbal debate is followed by a boxing match, he smiled, referring to the annual Fantastic Fest spectacle known as the Fantastic Debates, where filmmakers and critics face off over vital cinematic topics and determine the ultimate winner by pounding it out in the ring. I wouldlovefor someone to step up and put this to the test: Prove that all of Park Chan-wooks films are romantic films.

Its ironic to Park, and perhaps a bit frustrating, that he might be known as an artist most concerned with stories of violent revengealthough his films, includingThe Handmaiden, have that, too. Deep down, hes got a romantic streak. It peeks out when he describes how, years ago, he met his wife and saw Vertigo for the first time, and thus fell in love twice on the same day. Creatively I ask her for her opinions and I take a lot of her suggestions, he said. And shes my first love.

Why, then, does he think his films tend toward boundary-pushing extremes of human behavior, like incest, betrayal, mutilation, and extreme violence? Because Ive lived such a boring and mundane life, he shrugged. Every storyteller should never confine themselves to the very small limits of their own experience. Rather, they should be able to put themselves in the position of every different kind of human beingand sometimes non-human beings, as well.

If Park has the ability to put himself in the paws of animals for the sake of art, does he feel bad even years later, for the poor octopi that gave their lives to be eaten by Choi Min-sik inOldboy, in whats still one of the most indelible scenes hes ever filmed?

He considered it, sipping a hoppy red named the Big Mama, a dish of bacon-wrapped quail between us. Not really, he said. In Korea, live octopus is served sliced into pieces, still wriggling on the plate. What difference does it make if its eaten chopped or whole?

Some cephalopod enthusiasts argue that octopi, with their uncanny abilities to liberate themselves from tanks and multitask, are creatures of consciousness who maybe even have souls. I explained how its a thought that haunts me every time I rewatch that scene in Oldboy, the tentacles writhing in Oh Dae-sus mouth as he renders its owner apartarguably that films most sensual and sensory moment, a visceral collision of art, life, and real violence.

Director Park gave it another moments thought. Im not sure whether the existence of a soul equates to your level of intellectual ability. Do we say that snappers dont have souls, but octopi do? If thats the case, what about cows and pigs? he countered, a twinkle in his eye. Youve seenBabe, right?

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/25/inside-the-handmaiden-a-lesbian-erotic-thriller-and-the-sexiest-film-of-the-year/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/25/inside-the-handmaiden-a-lesbian-erotic-thriller-and-the-sexiest-film-of-the-year/