#no idea how the fuck i am going to fix my life. im sad that im in essence such a sad girl.

[caruliaa]

can i be honest here maybe its just the time uts rly late but i rly feel like killing myself rn

[vampiretouch]

im so sad tonight. I'm so tired.

[iantimony]

duesday

listening: idk, stuff on my phone on shuffle. some more coral bones youthemism i guess. friends at the table sangfielle, episode 3; i might not actually relisten to the rest of the arcs i already did and just skim the transcripts.

no children (ska remix) by sad snack: im back in my ska era. really funny song to have an upbeat ska tone.

the mountain goats deserters fan album: have not listened to the whole album yet but god, what a cool and unique thing that i don't think could really exist for most other bands. Five Fucking Hours

reading: Polynesian Tattooing Tools, linked from Fairhaven comic

why gen z is obsessed with point-and-shoot digital cameras: it's funny because a few months ago i was considering getting a cheap point-and-shoot to fuck around with. looks like i am not the only one who was thinkin about it.

i'm working my way through le guin's 'the left hand of darkness'! i bounced off it the first time i tried reading it a few years ago but last year i read a le guin short story anthology that had some stories set on karhide and i think that gave me a good enough primer on the world/her writing style to get it to stick this time. i'm enjoying it! it's a good book!

watching: mina le - booktok & the hotgirlification of reading: some good background video for crochet etc. bernadette banner - hand sewing regency stays should be quick...right?: oughhhhh so pretty. bernadette banner - this regency court gown is probably my favorite project ever: i won't lie i got a little misty-eyed at the artisans getting to sign their names on the robe.

rewatched the gay and wondrous life of caleb gallo. i forgot how good it is, it really holds up and is still funny

also, continued doctor who watch/rewatch. i'm ngl i think the way rory and amy were shoved off screen was...really stupid. "he can't go back to that specific year in ny :(" ok, before amy gets zapped back you just go "yo go to new jersey in a few days" and go pick them up. really silly imo

playing: fallow. did buy miserichord, omori, and slay the princess in the steam summer sale. i have signalis, voyager 19, and a short hike in my cart as we speak. more games that i haven't played to feed the steam library let's goooo

making: crocheted some granny squares.

pattern for the yellow one is this lantana square...if anyone has any interesting looking granny square patterns that would be good in one solid color send em my way!

thinking of getting this pattern too.

i realized this past week that my urge to Make has been very stale and derivative the past few years, if that makes sense. like i don't feel Creative, i see something and mimic it - i do paintings based on photos i took, i follow knitting patterns, i come across something ceramic and decide to make one of my own, i find reference images to copy. but no actual, like, Inventing on my own end. i think that's why i haven't done a lot of fanart or fanfiction as well, just no ideas. i know that's just part of the cycle of creativity and i'm just in a "hunter-gatherer" period of amassing skills and references but idk. i'm tired of it. i want to create more meaningful things but i have no actual ideas, the well feels dry, and i'm not sure how to fix that.

eating: fallow

misc: stares at my mom and brother doing politics doomerism re: supereme court ruling in the family group chat. looks away. chants 'nothing ever happens' to myself like a mantra.

[comfymoth]

(duckspiderbit anon) It can be nightmarish... but the hilarity of their dynamics combined and the sudden unexpected sweet moments they share at times make them perfect. Would LOVE to hear your thoughts on them btw, I'm very interested :D

anon i just want you to know that i have been trying to answer this ask since i woke up, i just apparently cannot talk about these fuckers without writing a novel, i am So Sorry.

i’m gonna try to be as short as i possibly can (spoiler warning it’s still not short IM SORRY) but like, basically. basically. in my head, right, in the version of events that lives in my head— roier and quackity already have a history. not exactly dating, just fooling around “as friends”, but it makes their friendship now very overly-familiar. they’re very touchy, very flirty, but at this point it’s all just playful. they’re just very comfortable with each other, you know? they’re best friends! and what best friends Aren’t this close, huh?

and cellbit isn’t fully aware of whatever they had going on before he knew them, but he knows there’s something he missed, like an inside joke he’ll never quite understand. and it’s not like that bothers him, exactly? because him and roier are completely secure, there’s never been a couple more fucking obsessed with each other, he knows he has zero reasons to feel threatened. it’s more like— he knows quackity is always going to special to roier, in this weird way, so they are just stuck with him. for better or worse. me and you and your friend steve, just a little bit, that’s kind of the vibe.

but it’s not like quackity and cellbit don’t also have their own share of familiarity. not nearly to the same extent, obviously, but they are familiar. cellbit gave him partial custody of his child, they’ve taken each others sides in disputes over how to raise said child, richas calls quackity pa, they are very much already stuck with each other anyways.

so like. what do you even do with that. right? what do you call your husband’s not-quite-ex and your co-parent, what does that make him to the two of you. and how is that impacted by the fact that he’s always desperately hitting on you both?

so again, in my head, in my head— i think it Has to be a slow burn with them. because quackity has baggage around relationships, right, he’s had a history of chasing romance just because he thinks it will fix him or make him feel something, and he needs time to cool off on that first. now, he never cools off on the flirting, i don’t think he ever physically could, but he needs to be okay with it not going anywhere. and i think spiderbit needs time to warm up to the opposite idea, that it might actually go somewhere. but over time they do. over time, quackity just worms his way into more and more of their life until they’ve basically made him a part of it without saying. they fall into comfortable routines. cellbit gets used to roier and quackity’s teasing, he starts to join in on it. over time, all the joke flirting just stops really being a joke, and all the friendly affection just escalates and escalates until they finally have to acknowledge what they’re doing.

they’re all very stupid about it. cellbit brings it up to roier first, who is somehow embarrassed because he thought they were all just joking and he was the only one catching feelings which he did NOT wanna think too hard about. they have a talk about what this means for them, come to an agreement, bring it up to quackity— who also somehow thought this was a bit and that they were just doing it all to tease him! and then, somehow, they’re both surprised when he says yes, because they couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. morons all around. they do have braincells, they just short circuit when they’re in a room together, it’s very sad and very comical

i actually…. okay, i Actually might’ve started writing the world’s most self indulgent oneshot about them, like… three or four weeks ago? idk, it was before school started so a bit ago, and i’m just never gonna finish it now i’ve accepted that but i Might just turn part of it into a comic. idk. idk we’ll see ahdkdjd if i don’t get too embarrassed to actually do it

anyways i’m sorry i talked so much i just have demons okay i have demons. and i didn’t even TALK about festa junina or “go take care of him” I MADE SO MANY CUTS GUYS I DID!!!!!

[hpdfag]

needle and bandage emoji to be specific . FORGOT TO INCLUDE THE BANDAGE

HI HI HELLO !!!!!!!!!!! WAVES this got long as fuck and i unmasked maybe a little too much so its hidden under the cut 4 now ... thank u for sending these in i always love a chance to ramble :3

🩹 - what would you do if your darling hurt themself??

auauahaghhhghhh i would feel SO TERRIBLE even if it wasnt my fault ... he deserves all of the grace in the world, i would do my best to make sure he knew i was there for him, that i really did love him, that he wasnt alone

i would worry about his safety very deeply, but i don't think i'd force him to stop. i'd tell him i was worried, and that i loved him, and that i wanted to do whatever i could, but ultimately it was up to him, you know?

ive had so many people react in just the worst most unhelpful ways when they figured out i had relapsed with self harm and i know i'd never wish that kind of insensitivity and callousness on my love, even if it was out of a place of love and care, i just want him to do what feels best for him

however if he carved my name in himself i think id. how do i put this in an appropriate manner. pass out. and if he wanted me to cut him up i would have a very hard time finding it in myself to say no ^_^ i may have some morals but they are a bit flimsy unfortunately

💉 - how far would you go to get your darlings love??

as far as i could push without him hating me or getting upset!! i think its a bit counter-intuitive to keep pushing and breaking down your darling until they give in. there's just no staying power to a relationship like that!

i'd mold myself into whatever he wanted, slowly but surely, so he wouldn't notice. if he said he prefered people with darker hair, a few weeks later, id get someone else to dye my hair and make them think it was their idea. if he wanted someone more assertive, who stood up for themselves more, slowly but surely id let myself grow, and try to find it in me to really speak my mind. if he wanted someone he could fix up, if he wanted a pet project he could be proud of, i'd let myself shatter, let myself fall into pieces again for him to put back together like kintsugi, better than i was before i fell apart because of him.

in general, im terrible at trying to take control. i fell first, but he was the one that asked me out, and then proposed. i try to be subtle, so there's no chance of me seeming overbearing. i'll become whatever he wants. anything at all.

i think also, part of this, is i trust him at this point to be able to control himself. he isnt some kind of idiot who only acts on base impulses, i trust that he loves me, and can have friends without becoming too buddy-buddy with them.

i couldn't kill anyone he cared about, it would make him too sad, and i'd be hesitant to throw a wedge between them, if only because we have such a small community back home. it would distort the balance. everyone relies on him, needs him, and i can't destroy that. i need to cultivate hope, not bring despair. our friends, they're scared of me, even if i'm relatively harmless. i think i could get people to back off pretty easily by just saying i was concerned, and they would know to do it in a way that didn't hurt hinata, because they know how serious i am about him. about his happiness. and they care about him too. so i would hope they know how to react to something like that. i would also hope it wont be necessary.

im planning on spending my life with him, not setting us both on fire. i need him to be happy. i need him to love me. i need to be able to love him to survive. ive toned myself down as much as i think i can in hopes of appeasing him. if i wasnt so scared of hurting him, i think i would kill for him. i think id cut us off from everyone if i didnt know it would kill them too. he's so important. i want everyone to be able to bear witness to his light, i just cant stand people who want to take it for themselves. they should know their place.

people who aren't from the island though? who just want to take him? they drive me insane. i cant stand them, the audacity they have, to think they're worthy to even be near him. to think he would love them the way he loves me. i value my own life, so i couldn't kill them. but i definitely want to sometimes. at the very least i'd cut them out of his life as swiftly as possible. FF workers, people from the mainland, people from this awful reality who think he'd ever call them his. id cut them out like a tumor. as quickly and as efficiently as possible, without any care for the fallout. the cancer would be gone.

[mattsdollie]

How could you ?

WARNINGS; angst, cheating trope 😞 fluff (?) at the end !!!!!

"mattt" you groan as you feel him leaving your shared bed. "Sorry, baby. i have to get ready, we're going on tour, " Matt whines. you lazily pull yourself out of bed and give him a peck on his nose as he goes to shower and you go to pack your stuff to go back to your college dorm room. you totally forgot that you had exams the next week, so you hysterically brush your clothes back into your backpack and grab your keys as you left, shutting the door to the triplets' house behind you.

It's currently 2.47 AM. You checked your phone because it has been blowing up for at least 3 hours whilst you were studying. "What's this all about?" you thought to yourself. you see your bestfriends message "y/n, honey are you okay? i fucking told you it wasn't a good idea to be dating someone who' famous" you stared at your phone, not understanding what was going on until you got a text from your sister "y/n, what the fuck is this ?" she said as she sent a photo. the photo was of Matt and a short, skinny blonde, matts arm wrapped around her waist as he led her to a car at what seemed to be a party. He looked slightly drunk. "what the actual fuck ?" you replied, feeling yourself fill with a burst of rage and sadness. your eyes filled with tears. Your phone vibrated as matt called you, you decline. "y/n baby please answer my calls." matt pleaded in his text message with a sense of urgency. "what the fuck, matt ? we've been dating since you were 16, me 15. and you fucking cheat on me ?" you sent the message with tears filling your eyes and rolling down your face. "baby, please. i was just helping the girl get a ride. nothing we did was meaningful." he replied. *bzz*, your phone started vibrating again, matt was calling you. this time you picked up. "y/n, please. you're the love of my life. i fully regret what i did. i love you so much please don't leave me over a stupid mistake i made while i was drunk." he said, shakily though tears. "i'm studying for my exams and this is what you do while you're on tour? you go fuck a tiny texas blondie? how could you, Matthew." you said, feeling your lips quiver. "n–no, y/n please. please let me fix this. im coming home right now, i'll see you in the morning. just please, let me fix this." he said, breathing heavier, struggling to breathe as he cried. "whatever." you said hanging up the phone to soon burst into tears. how could my own boyfriend do this to me? after 6 whole years of dating? you think to yourself, as you curl up on your bed, knees against your chest, tears rolling out of your eyes.

The next morning, you find yourself in your bed with the same clothes as last night, your eyes sore, lips plump from crying all night. you pick your phone up, feeling heavy hearted and empty as you remember what happened the night before. you see matt texted you " y/n, i'll be there at 2pm. please love. lets talk it out. im so sorry." tears start filling your eyes, threatening to fall out as you think about what happened all over again. you look to the upper right of your phone to check the time and see its already 1.58 P.M. "fuck." you whispered out as you hopped in the shower. 10 minutes into the shower you hear the doorbell to your apartment ring followed with matt calling out for you. you text him from the shower " theres keys in the shoe rack. just come in and wait, im in the shower, im almost done. " you type as you step out of the shower, pausing the music to do your skincare and brush your teeth. you wrap your towel around yourself as you step out, seeing matt sat on your bed, eyes puffed, nose and ears red. he gets up to hug you, nuzzling his nose in the crevice of your neck "i'm so sorry. i dont know why i did it. i promise there was nothing intimate. i was just deprived to feel love but she didnt love me like you did. i love you so much please, dont leave me." he said, sniffling and you felt his tears hit your shoulder. your arms wrap around him, your fingers entangled in his brown locks. "it's okay. you should've just called me. i felt so hurt, seeing the photos. please, never do that again ?" you say, voice shaky trying your best not to burst into tears again. "i promise." he said under his breath, not having the energy to saying with his chest"

THE ENDD ☺️☺️

this is my first EVER time writing a fanfic or story outside of school. if there is anything i could work on, please let me know 🥹🫶

[binalakai-archive]

🍅🧅🍏🥑 wahoo fruit party!!

How misunderstood is your OC? In-universe or IRL. oh god. okay. okay Hue Man on Earth is a story that is. REALLY hard for me to share, despite how much I do try to talk about it publicly (or at least update my toyhouse as much as possible when i feel like doing that), there's always that sense of. people either boiling my characters down to Tropes/who's the Bad one and who's the Good One. whos the character thats meant to be a personal attack on someone (none of them are) n whos the character that is meant to be relatable (none of them are PURPOSELY written to be that way) n it just. really goddamn sucks sometimes. i could talk about specifics with my main trio specifically, over the course of time that i've had Hue, Magni, and Clyde, theyve all been weirdly misunderstood in their own way that i have gotten to the point of having to reevaluate those folks n look inward into seeing if that perception of themselves can be weaved into the plot. but honestly i think ill catch myself in a bad mood atm if i think about it too hard. tldr on that; i try to microdose my story when sharing it to others, n even then i get really nervous about the idea that my story wont be valued/understood as a whole, which is partially of my own doing as well bc i do have a tendency to Put a Lot into characters once i get super attached to them. ..so nowadays im too burned out to do that :"P once i make that pitch bible, it probably still wont fix that, but its still a project im committing to nonetheless! 🧅 [ONION] What is surefire to make your OC cry? Who knows of this information? Hue) hard to answer with a creature like him. objectively, he doesnt cry. its not needed for him to release emotion the same way it does for Earth-things. but he does it anyway, or at least the equivalent (letting go of parts of his body in droplets from his eyes, just for them to crawl back to his body) it's less about "am i sad right now and do i have to cry" and more like "is crying appropriate for this situation.". after his Human arc in arc 5, its something he actually stops doing as a whole because experiencing the feeling of crying in a human body like. Actually Fucks him up REAL bad NJWKEFNAJKWFNAKWEF Magni) the "sillier" or "unrelated to themselves" the issue is, the more theyll have a tendency to genuinely cry over it. they cry when they know no one else is there to mourn over the problem they're crying about, which is why they'll have a very Stone Flat Face when Witnessing the horrors, but will have an absolute meltdown over dropping their favorite cup Clyde) Honestly that motherfucker will cry over. like....anything? Honestly? to the point where it can be unpredictable. Clyde's emotions are based less on the Cause of Crying and more about the intensity of its emotions. any time it gets overwhelmed, it will cry, and its been labeled a crybaby inuniverse because of that 🍏 [GREEN APPLE] How do they differ from the norm and how are they punished for it? answering this all together, and honestly without having to like. explain the whole plot of HMoE in one setting. Hue seen as different from the norm not because he's an alien but because he's technically an illegal immigrant, Magni and Clyde are autistic PoC that also Do Not Fit Well into their hometown whatsoever. may i need to say anything else. 🥑 [AVACADO] What will they never back down about, even if it makes them seem bad?

Hue) trying to be seen as a good person, even if it means doing the most heinous shit possible (as long as he's able to hide it/insist on good intentions) Magni) trying to be seen as the Right Person, even if it means twisting things in their favor SPECIFICALLY to be right (though will admit to it redhanded if theyre caught, more out of being impressed if anything) Clyde) trying to be seen as the Truthful Person, even if it means ruining everyone's day/life about it (it''ll try to seem like it doesnt care about being "bad", but it very much actually eats away at it. every single damn day)

[vintagepresley]

this is a long one but it needs to be said and TW

am I the only one that thinks lanas most sad and personal songs are ignored. (This is what makes us girls, heroin, wildflower wildfire, cherry blossom, fingertips, kintsugi, A&W)

like???????

This is what makes us girls is about her life after boarding school. ‘’Sweet 16 and we had arrived’’ she turned 16 in a plane on her way to Spain. ‘’I got sent away, I was waving on the train platform crying cause I know I’m never coming back’’ fuck Patricia grant

heroin is about her boyfriends from 2011 who passed away due to heroin overdose

‘’ im flying to the moon again, dreaming about heroin, how it gave you everything and took your life away’’

wildflower wildfire she refers to her mother as her dads wife ‘’my father never stepped in when his wife would rage at me’’

cherry blossom is possibly about a misscarriage. ‘’Little ghost, blonde hair’’. ‘’And when you’re scared, I’ll be right there, you feel afraid, mommy is there’’

kintsugi is a Japanese word for filling broken pottery with gold. She talks about sad things that have happened to her and then sings ‘’ that’s how the light gets in/shines in’’ so I think she’s talking about fixing her broken heart.

Fingertips (her saddest song ) she talks about her having a baby.

‘’Caroline, will you be with me? Will the baby be alright? Will I have one of mine? It’s said that my mind is not fit or so they said to carry a child. I guess I’ll be fine’’ by ‘they’ I assume she’s talking about Patricia. she talks about prescription pills that she doesn’t want to take but has to

‘’it wasn’t my idea the cocktail of things that twists neurons inside- but without them I’d die’’

she talks about her uncle commiting suicide and how it effected her

‘’and Dave who hung himself real high, in the national park sky’’. ‘’To get to you, save you, if I take my life find your astral body’’. ‘’Take you home i, i’ll give you a blanket your spirit can sit and watch tv by my side’’. ‘’I couldn’t handle it, I was in Monaco, I couldn’t hear what they said on the telephone, I had to sing for the prince in two hours’’

She talks about how she tried committing suicide

‘’when I was 15 naked next door neighbours did a drive by, pulled me up by my waist long hair to the beach side’’. ‘’But sometimes it’s just not your time’’

then about her mother

‘’ Caroline, what kind of mother was she to say is end up in institutions’’ ‘’Aaron ended up dead and not me. What the fucks wrong in your head to send me away never to come back? Exotic places and people don’t take the place of being your child’’

And then A&W the fist part. the song is about girlhood and the loss of innocence. It’s about how young girls are told to dress a specific way to not provoke adults or older people. And about how women are seen as objects by a lot of men. ‘’I haven’t done a cartwheel since I was nine’’ people were making jokes about this but she’s talking about how she became aware of what creepy men are like. She talks about being bullied for her body by the public (2021 during lockdown). Which she still looked gorgeous btw!!! A&W stands for American whore but it’s also an American food drive thru thing. And drive thru are associated with strippers/prostitutes sometimes. This could imply that she’s being used for only when he wants her. ‘’forensic files wasn’t on watching teenage diary of a girl wondering what went wrong’’ she’s saying that instead of watching diary of a teenage girl and being fed lies about girlhood, she should have been watching forensic files so she knew how messed up people and their minds can be. then she talks about being raped

‘’ I mean look at my hair, look at the length of if there and the shape of my body. If I told you that I was raped do you really think that anybody would think I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask for it’’

when sexual assault survivors come forward and they have to go to court to testify or make a statement the rapists are often dismissed because apparently the victim asked for it to happen. There was a case of a girl wearing a thong who was raped and the judge said it was her fault and that she shouldn’t have been wearing a thong (vile). ⬅️ ‘’ I won’t testify I already fucked up my story’’. Like yeah the second half or A&W if amazing. But why haven’t I seen anyone talk about the first half when it has so much meaning. I’m sure any female has gone though the realisation process of how messed up the world is and how (mostly men but not all) think of women as objects.

I’m so sorry this is really long but it’s so sad that I’ve not seen anyone talk about her sad and personal songs. DYKTTATUOB is definitely in my opinion a healing album for Lana. I think She’s getting everything out there and wants to have a restart. And her finishing it with a second edition of Venice bitch!!!!!! She knew what she did with that but Lana is happy , and she’s glowing more than she ever has and that’s the most important thing.

THISSSS. I feel like a lot of people didn’t really like this album which was weird to me but then I also feel like people didn’t really listen to it. I think everyone was expecting her usual stuff. But this album is definitely one of my favorites. The songs you just listed are so damn good! Fingertips is another fave of mine! The lyrics are so damn sad in all these songs and you can definitely hear how she’s healed from it as well.

THANK YOU FOR THIS AND THANK YOU FOR SAYING IT.

[bbarican]

july 30, 2023; 7:21 pm - life updates

hi, tumblr! its been a minute ~ how are you guys? isnt it so weird that july just decided to be a blip and is now over like it never actually happened even though it was a super busy month? either way, im here to update ya'll on how ive been and other things and if youre interested, just keep reading along; either way, i love you!

family:

bittersweetly, wala na kaming bisita sa bahay; ang weird kasi my mom pointed out na we had visitors nga pala ever since may, thats a lot of time to have people over at your house and to not have privacy; it is sad though to have the house this quiet again but i, glad for the memories we all made over the course of everyone's stay

i treated my mom to a mani pedi session yesterday and it was really nice and relaxing; i finally got my nails done again and im so happy!

other than the aforementioned, we dont have a lot going on except the fact that we're going to a lunch buffet on saturday so atleast we have something to look forward to

im just really excited for the rest of the year and what that holds for me and my family

personal life:

im in a much better headspace and i am truly grateful for whatever or whoever helped me along the way

july was tough kasi i kept pushing myself to my limit without really noticing and again its very bittersweet kasi a part of me is super proud na i can actually juggle so much but at the same time my mind was not doing okay

but im glad im better now; maybe it was just a bad and busy week but i know for a fact na hindi lang yun yung week na ganun sa buong buhay ko so atleast now i know i can actually handle it

i finished reading happy place by emily henry already and i love that book so much; it being about people around my age made it all the more relatable + its super funny + it hits a little too close to home knowing that im the same as the protagonist; overall, its such a great book and i wish i could read it for the first time ulit

been trying to download bumble again pero literally my phone wont let me kasi it always prompts me to fix my payment method sa apple id which is totally fine btw but it always ends up being in error so i just take that as a sign na downloading bumble is just gonna be a waste of time anyway

i need to buy clothes kasi 1.) i wanna invest in them (again, my mom has a point na i need to stop repeating my outfits as much as i do) and 2.) i have an event to go to on the 11th ata so i need to dress up for that

i also want to sell some of my stuff kasi day by day i just keep realizing na i have so much stuff and instead of throwing them away, might as well make some money out of them

work:

im relieved that work is better now; not as busy, but busy enough to keep me on my feet without actually killing me mentally

i love my officemates; i love how the board takers are back and that the noise is back too

na approve na din kaagad yung revisions namin for our community library project which means we get to go to ikea already and purchase the stuff we wanted to for the project

feels kinda weird din talaga to not have been able to go to the office for a week cause of the weather kaya tomorrow im really gonna push myself to go kahit na alam kong uulan parin kasi i just know im gonna be lazy as fuck if i dont go to the office nanaman

regarding our team building, again, im not so keen on pushing through with it this august kasi 1.) its raining, 2.) mahal na since we're booking for the same dates, and 3.) again, i have no idea what our budget is to begin with so its really hard to plan anything anyway

and yeah, thats it for my life updates ~ im beyond excited for august, so here's to making the last day of july super fun and productive and memorable in whatever way it could be

ingat kayong lahat especially since for sure uulan parin this week!

[kittymeow180]

Seeing how hateful you are with your age honestly makes me so sad. I know you're gonna read this ask and laugh, and that's fine. But I sincerely wish better for you and wish for you to realize how unhealthy and toxic this is for both you and the people you attack. I don't know what you're going through or anything else, but I genuinely hope life treats you better. And I hope you learn that, no matter your views, it's really never okay to be so full of hate. Have a good day or night (dunno what time it is where you are).

thanks i can tell intentions are good with this but i came to this conclusion with my own experiences being a girl and by research, what i think isnt based entirely on hate but from the fact gender was made to oppress and control female people like me and i realized that this gender ideology benefited no one. getting into radical feminism helped me with my confidence and how i view my body and being a girl.

gender is a man made construct as u people like to say so theres no reason we should be suffering so much because of it.

im not attacking anyone, im a teen girl in my room for christs sake the most ill do is reblog with something that might slightly hurt someones feelings. the only thing i have done to 'attack' others is have my own opinions. i have trans friends so its not like i was immediately comfortable being open about being a radfem, i followed the herd and never interacted with any radical feminism. i said 'fuck terfs' because thats what everyone else was saying. ive been on that side of wishing i could be a boy and sometimes feeling like the only way out was to someday just transition because life as a female lesbian just felt like suffering and being the 'other' in the lgbt community. i feel better now because i realized i cannot fix whats not broken, i am not doomed to forever being unhappy with myself.

so thanks for the care but idk. ur hearts in the right place but u have the wrong idea about me ;__;

[7t7t73]

it's probably better to just vent, i guess. probably, although i don't want to think about it.

so i found out my dad is a cheater. probably. and my mom knows it too but i think she prefers to ignore it and pretend it's not happening. because the fact that it's true can really destroy our family, and my mom depends financially on my dad, so i don't blame her for not doing anything about it. and it isn't like things are strange or anything. we are all pretending to be alright, i guess? or well, i guess im the one who cannot pretend.

and the fact is he's cheating with other men. that reality never crossed my mind, never in a thousand years. but by mere accident i found some pictures my mom took of a whatsapp conversation my dad was having with a number he didn't have saved in his contacts and they were talking about it. my dad pays for sex. from other men. it's so weird for me to think about it.

and since then, ive been going through his texts (probably wrong of me to do, but fuck him i guess?) and i have found some flirty texts with women as well. and it's disgusting, i am incredibly disgusted. he's supposed to be a married man lol my mom has sacrificed a lot and is a great wife and mom, and i guess that isn't enough for him.

and the worst part is that i feel bad for feeling this way. i actually thought i had excellent parents and i love them both very much, still now it pains me to be feeling like this. but i don't think i can respect him anymore after finding out the truth. i don't think i can move on from this, unless he does something to make it better. but what can he do? i honestly have no idea. im not in the space right now to forgive.

i have already started acting weird around him and im sure he'll notice soon, if he hasn't already. i don't know how that conversation is going to go.

> whats happening?

> i know what you've done.

..and that's pretty much it. the rest in my head is the both of us crying, then my mom crying, and then our family completely breaking and nothing we can do can forever fix it.

and i feel so guilty because i should just continue as if nothing ever happened. not for my sake, of my dad's, but my mother's. she doesn't deserve her life going to shit because i can't pretend that everything's alright. but it's so unfair because it isn't my fault. it is HIS fault and because men ruin everything, he's going to victimize himself, im sure. im sure he's going to say he'll leave or die or whatever and everything's going to be worse.

so i guess it's better to pretend but it's so difficult. i lost respect for my childhood hero and i can't fix it. i feel so powerless, and sad, and angry. i really wish this was a fake reality lol

[dorotheado]

THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT TRACKLIST THEORIES

"Fortnight" (ft Post Malone) - gosh what a start. my guess feels unrealistic but i'm imagining a song that goes like 'day 1:' and starts at a brilliant relationship and ends on day 14 with a break up. lol. there were 2 ish weeks between the start of the eras tour and the breakup right........

"The Tortured Poets Department" - im imagining a real breakdown of lockdown like how the pandemic resulted in two people sitting in the dark writing tortured poetry. rip

"My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys" - interesting how this is self-objectifying (i.e. she is the toy). i'm assuming this is a bit like tongue in cheek, he loves me so much that he breaks me. imagining some poppy sounds tbh

"Down Bad" - ok so im expecting this one to be about being in love and it sucks. it just sucks. lol im really not guessing very many emotional facets in this album im sticking w like 2 ideas: in love or in pain so far lol. anyway

"So Long, London" - this place haunts me it has all my memories and i love it but it's too painful (SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!) (sidenote she will be singing this one as the last surprise song in london on the eras tour obviously)

"But Daddy I Love Him" - oh this one gonna break me i reckon lol like i am both thinking sad bop w extremely like sassy tone and also slow sad song realising the inevitability of it all. so idk how to reconcile those but 🤷🏻‍♀️

"Fresh Out the Slammer" - im imagining rock-y sounds with very get-him-back-olivia-rodrigo-vibes but mainly im just thinking "getaway car" IM OUT IM OUT desperation lyrics

"Florida!!!" (ft Florence and the Machine) - based on my very limited knowledge of florence and the machine i am picturing gospel backing vocals and lyrics about adrenaline rushes and desperation in the face of weighty emotions

"Guilty as Sin?" - literally no clue about this one. i guess like 'was it my fault?'

"Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" - anti hero extended? maybe like 'we had this fight and you're retreating... but what is there to be afraid of?' maybe a bit angry also ?

"I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)" - EVERYBODY IS DOUBTING ME BUT MY WHOLE LIFE I BEEN FIXING PEOPLE AND I'M 1000000% THIS GUY CAN BE FIXED AND THAT I AM GOOD ENOUGH TO DO IT NO PLS BELIEVE ME (i am aware this is essentially just the title but i just am imagining very classic un-self-aware but also supremely self aware sad bop)

"Loml" - i'll be honest every time i just think of Queen & freddie mercury singing 'love of my life' lol but if i hazard a guess i will say loml DOES stand for love of my life and it's a painful love song (like this is the love of my life. maybe it wont last forever but it's the one chance i have. very "false god")

"I Can Do It with a Broken Heart" - i agree w jaime that this is giving long live 2.0 like 'yoh sang these words back to me and suddenly i have strength' but tbh i have been guessing long live 2.0 on every album since lover so watch me be wrong

"The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived" - FUCK U IT'S JOEVER (either hard rocky sounds or soft strings a la ivy/illicit affairs/invisible string)

"The Alchemy" - i'm imagining that the chorus ends with the line 'but what about the alchemy?' - i.e. everything sucks but the chemistry pulls us back together each time, a la "style"

"Clara Bow" - 'how must she have felt? i could take a guess'

"The Manuscript" - i thought this was it and it wasnt and maybe the invisible string wasnt between us but was just the direction of my life ?

"The Bolter" - oh classic me i just run! i always run! and i stayed but now im running! fable-moral-lesson vibes maybe?

"The Albatross" - it's hanging around my neck. im imagining epiphany type strings

"The Black Dog" - haunting me its haunting me everywhere i go, im imagining haunted but the despair is quieter.

[sharm-the-shark]

YOOOOO this looks fun

Alright first one

January:

Siine feat moody frank, c'est la vie

What does that mean like , am i gonna be in a toxic relationship or like , bro january is about to end what does that mean 😭😭😭

February:

The living tombstone, i cant fix you

Ok now im fucked , although it is kinda weird because of the context I'd say ,but at this point i have no idea

March:

Natewantstobattle, this is the end

Ok what the fuck, im genuinely scared now , It also aligns with a month that will probably be hard in classes due to having some final exams ( please let this be the end of my single Life )

April:

The living tombstone ( again apparently ), Discord

Uuhhh, i... I dont know what to think about this one , am i going to like , rebel or some shit

May:

Marc indigo, Boy for the weekend

Why do i have all these sad songs about being played or in bad relationships please i cant take It anymore 😭😭😭

June:

Imase, night dancer

So , am i suposed to interpret the part of the song that talks about an ex, or the part of the song that talks about not being scared of opening myself up to love???????

July:

Ice nine kills , rocking the boat

Ok i have no idea what this would mean , mid summer , am i going to the beach or something ? Im so confused with these

August:

Mico , Down

This is starting to get depressing , its not funny anymore 😭😭😭

September:

Coyote theory, this side of paradise

OMGGGGG PLEASE , THIS IS THE FIRST SONG THAT ACTUALLY TALKS ABOUT SOMETHING GOOD HOLY SHIT ( im so lonely pleaseeeeee 😭😭😭 )

October:

The living tombstone ( yet again ), Spooky scary skeletons extended mix

THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO

Nothing else to add , just , 💀

November:

Twenty one pilots, House of gold

Oohhh , i... This... Huh? I mean , the meaning of the lyrics are good (?) but, i dont really know how to interpret them

And finally

December:

Falling in reverse, Game over

Ok i mean , the name doesnt help, BUT, the lyrics are positive, besides , its a cool name to end the year

This was... Weird , to say the least

Anyway, i dont like taggin people cuz then i feel bad for leaving people out so moots , you already know what to do , consider yourself tagged , so yeah :3

i wanna start a tag game so: let your spotify predict your 2024!

shuffle your on repeat playlist, and the first twelve songs represent your 2024

january- guns and ships- hamilton (idek what this could represent but okay)

february- we fell in love in october- girl in red (PLEASE)

march- say no to this- hamilton (…i have nothing to say about this)

april- castles crumbling- taylor swift ft hayley williams (damnit sad month then?)

may- you’re losing me- taylor swift (FUCK TWO SAD MONTHS?? breakup songs are even worse now that im actually in a relationship. please. better not be accurate)

june- astronomy- conan gray (please stop why am i having so many sad songs)

july- stoned- ed sheeran (oh fuck this)

august- new year’s day- taylor swift (hm okay. idk what to say about this)

september- heather- conan gray (i consider heather to be a happy song AND it’s mine and my partners song so i’m taking this as a good one)

october- 18- one direction (yessss we’re going okay now)

november- king of my heart- taylor swift (YESSS)

december- all too well (ten minute version)- taylor swift (i take it back ugh)

no pressure tags!!- @autumnleavesforwinter @weeping-in-the-willows @swiftieannah @felizusnavidad @jittyjames @anixknowsnothin (please help me get this off the ground, but also if this flops you saw nothing)

[ratrap]

I'm so so proud of you dude, telling her in the first place was still a major step towards getting your life back!! (And I think the clothes thing proves pretty well to me and presumably her how fucked up all this has been and how he's been blatantly lying to you about liking you as you were, yikes.) Doesn't have to be all fixed at once but any little bit of progress towards not being completely on your own with this shit is something to feel accomplished for.

thank you youre too nice to me. Sorry i havent replied im just struggling a bit with things. I tried so hard to lose weight way before and not that i really got healthy before my mum passed anyway but now none of it matters anymore. my clothes are so small im getting too embarrassed to put them on. i feel gross and it makes me not want to go out. i say to him i want to get new clothes but he doesnt. listen I cant keep putting up with this im so unhappy. and because i dont even think i had a life before im not even thinking about anything good in the future. ughhh I have been really upset about my weight and life in general it makes me wanna give up so maybe i can see my mum again I am still on my own nobody would even care if i wasnt here except for him, which gives me all the more reason to not want to be here. My cat is the only thing that makes me not want to die lol. My life is pathetic and so am i. Im so sad and stupid that i let this happen to me all over. the only reason i told her at all was because he had done stuff in my sleep again after again I told him im tired of being like this and then took a video of me while im upset, and i was still mad about it the next day when i went. Hes been waking me up to make me drink milkshake or ice cream and he makes me eat this spoonful of oil stuff i dont even know what it is and he recorded me drinking it while embarrassing me so if anyone likes that and you see footage of a fatass idiot crying that is me. I think he thinks because i have mental health problems that i dont understand i dont know. Im so upset every day i dont enjoy anything, i feel like such a disappointment and embarrassment to my mum and i dont even want my aunt to have to look at me she will be grossed out if she had to look at me nevermind let me live with her. thank u for caring and dont feel obliged to message me okay. I appreciate your concern and everything im just lonely rambling at like four in the morning. If whoever sent me the ask about housing or something sees this i would appreciate the link to whatever it was you were going to send me before i think you can send them in asks id like to at least look at it cause I have no idea what im doing 😞

[keefwho]

April 01 - 2023

8:36 PM

I’m really confused about my “sex” life. I don’t know who wants what, I don’t know who wants me. I don’t know what I want from others. I don’t know if it even matters. I’m I really a sexual person or am I forcing myself to be? Or living based on how I used to be in the past? It must be important to me if I’m stressing so much about it. 

I’m too used to being surrounded by absolute horndogs that entertain every single urge I have. And they would eat up the art I made like crazy. But now I’m around tamer individuals and maybe I haven’t adjusted yet. I’m starting to feel like I’m too much of a perv but I want to believe my urges are what they are and it’s fine if I deal with them in a non-problematic way. I dont’ know what to do. Maybe I should talk about it? Or maybe it’s actually just a me problem. I’m starting to feel uncertain drawing porn for friends or even myself sometimes. Maybe I should stop until I figure this out. Or only stick to ideas that I don’t feel so iffy about. Im just so confused. 

Its so fucking STUPID that this is even an issue. I do not feel valid feeling this way about sex. I’m angry at myself that I might be a source of stress for anyone else when it comes to this. I REALLY don’t want to suppress myself but if I’m going to end up pushing people away with my fucking boner then I’ll keep it to myself. Maybe I am just a creepy little perv. FUCK

9:03 PM

I just miss when things were simpler. Kind of. I know things I had in the past weren’t good. They were limiting to my character and even kind of toxic. I was a much more unstable and underdeveloped person in the past. But in my denial, some things at least felt more simple. Good even. Now I’m having to work to claw myself back up to a place where things are truly stable and healthy. In the meantime, every day is it’s own struggle. I face new problem after new problem and frequent loneliness. Sometimes I lament at how much better I seemed in the past and all the relationships I’ve left behind. I feel guilt. I feel selfish. It’s hard to believe things can and will improve. I feel like I hit my peak and I’ve been falling off for years. 

9:40 PM

I just had a little fit before. Nothing is really as bad as it seems or I make out to be. Earlier I was just mad at everything. But there are some simple truths to keep in mind. I have some problems with my sex life. There are things I know I want to do but bring me uncertainty/make me uncomfortable with how they currently are. They have to be addressed somehow. It would not be a good thing to shut it all out. 

10:16 PM

Im sad I spent all evening sulking. I wish I had opened a drink and got in VR like I wanted. Too late for that though. 

Its ME. IM THE PROBLEM. I ALWAYS FORGET. I CANNOT ACCEPT/LOVE MYSELF SO I CANT FEEL THAT FROM ANYONE ELSE. I need to get that into my own dense skull. I can fix me and things will be better. 

When I’m lonely, all I have left is my art and imagination. Its been awhile since I’ve used art as a coping mechanism. Mostly because I struggle to focus enough to immerse myself. I’d like to be able to do that again. It would also help to make content that involves show based character instead of just my own OC all the time. Would be good for business.

[staysluttymyfriends97]

Sisters best friend , but love of my life part 2 ( Jake “Hangman” Seresin X Reader)

What you need to know: It is not very nice of Phoenix to jump to conclusions that Jake has no idea how Y/N feels about him. It is also not very nice what Jake feels he has to do to set things right. 

AN: I have some bad news... Part two might break your heart a little but do no worry I will put it back together  Also I am writing in the guy POV for the first time Im a little nerves about that. But go with me because I am so in love with how this turned out. 

Part one and part three my sweets 

There will be 3 more parts to this so just hold  on any hearts I have broken will be fixed ( that is a warning haha) 

As soon as I get to Phoenix I let her have it. “What on earth do you think you are doing?” I try to keep my voice down so Y/N doesn’t hear me.

 I want to check over my shoulder to make sure she is in the barn. I know that if I look at her she’ll be worried about how angry my face looks. 

“What did you tell her?” I let my hands rest on my hips.

“I just told her you carry her letters with you.” She was acting way too calm and I didn't like it. Phoenix was used to being in the face of danger, so I knew right now she was channeling that reserve. I raise my eyebrow at her. I know there is more.

She sighs, “I also told her to ask you about why.” 

I swear I could see red. Years I have spent keeping Y/N just an arms length away was about to go out the  window. I want to see the fact that Phoenix thinks she is being a good friend. She thinks she is helping me out by pushing myself and Y/N together. What she doesn’t know is that she is swinging a bat at a hornets nest. I didn’t think I could regret my drunken night of telling Phoenix about Y/N anymore then I already did, but here we are.  I start to pace in front of her. I know Y/N will not jump to the conclusion that what Nat is trying to say is that I love her. Y/N is the type of person who will not jump to a happy ending. She will think of the reasonable first. To her, me wanting her the same way she wants me is not just unreasonable, it is unfathomable. I hate that I know that. I hate that I feel safe in the fact she will think nothing of it. But now, she will want to come to me for an answer anyway and I will have to come up with a lie to throw her off. I can’t tell her what letters I keep with me and I surely can’t tell her why. That would be my dead give away and Then she would know. I turn my body fully away from Phoenix, and look out over the farm.  Maybe an answer will hit me in the face if I just keep looking. I hear Nat shuffle her feet and then she spoke. 

“That girl loves you, it is rude to have her think her love it just one sided.” I whip my head around to look her in the face. 

Her face softens, and she almost looks sad. I want to tell her calmly why it has to be this way, but I can’t grasp the calm part of me right now.  

“Trust me it is much easier being the person who thinks it is one sided, than being the one who knows it's not.” My voice bites out as I face her. “Stop acting like a detective who just put the pieces of the puzzle together. You think I didn’t see the hope in her eyes when she turned 18? Or again when she turned 20? You don’t think I knew she was thinking ‘this will be it. He might  finally do something’? It kills me!” Digging my boot in the ground does nothing to help release some of my frustration. 

“Then do something about it, Hangman!” She pokes at my chest. 

“I fucking can’t.” I seethe. She is poking a bear, she just doesn’t know it yet. 

“Yes you can! What the hell is stopping you? Just tell her and go from there.” She throws her hands up in the air. 

“This isn’t fear. This isn’t a scared man who doesn’t know how to commit to one person.  This is my life being narrated by a legal document. A document signed 100 years ago saying the Seversin family cannot marry someone from the Y/L/N  family. They did it so the farm would never split. If someone from my family marries someone from hers they forfeit their right to run the farm one day. Don’t you understand? This place is her life. This farm is her Top Gun.”

It finally sinks in and it stops her from pushing farther. She doesn’t move and the downcast look on her face tells me she understands the gravity of what she has done.

Drunk me seemed to have left this part out when I told her about Y/n. I don’t know how. That stupid rule has been on my brain since I was 24. Now I have my friend in front of me who is upset with herself. 

From the way I act around them I don’t really blame her. A cocky man who doesn’t want to commit to one person, I can see how she got there. It is just in this small town of Texas, my home town, around that girl, that I am not that man. I know Phoenix was doing what she thought was best but you know what they say about good intentions: The road to hell is paved with them. 

I slide my hands in my back pockets as I turn to walk back, nodding my head in the barn's direction telling Phoenix to follow. I was done talking about it. Now I have to figure out what I was going to do about it. Phoenix falls into step with me. When we get to the barn I let her walk in before me and I allow the door to shut behind us. The wind picks up making it shut much harder than I wanted it too. The sound alone makes Y/N head swing towards me. I know she is reading my face and picking up on the anger. She has always been good at reading me. I could breathe the wrong way and she would be onto me in a second. Her eyebrows raise asking me the question. I just shake my head in response. 

“So, next on the tour I could show y’all the calving barn. It’s where all the baby cows are.” Kate said as she started to bounce on her feet again. She was always so happy. She is the most carefree of us all and it truly showed. She tows Bob by the arm to get him where he needed to go. Poor man looked like his eyes were going to pop out of his head. He just went with it with a small wince. Roster and I both were laughing at the interaction. Y/N was busy looking down at her watch and this gave me a moment to finally observe her. Her hat sat snugly on her head, she has her favorite striped shirt on, the blue one. Her cut off jeans allow me to see those strong legs of hers, tan from the summer sun down to her boot clad feet, with one tapping rhythmically on the barn floor. She does that when she gets focused, my heart squeezes at how well I know her. 

She let out a sigh, I quickly looked away from her. “Well this is where I depart on the welcome home tour. I should go check fences.” She gives a wave then makes her way to her horse's stall. 

I didn’t even have time to think before I spoke. “I will go with you.” Everyone turned to look at me. I just shrug my shoulders at them. “I’ve been in this barn my whole life. Plus this is me paying back Y/N for waking up early every morning to come help me.” I give Y/N a smile before I make my way to the tack room to gather her saddle.

 As I walk through the door I hear Bob ask what her horse’s name is. I laugh in anticipation of the answer and she shoots me a look over her shoulder. That knowing look just makes my love for her grow. 

“His name is Radish.” Y/N says with a smile. That could only be because she loves the question people ask next. 

“You named your horse, Radish?” Roster looks puzzled but everyone else got the joke. Man she loves it when she can get someone to call him horseradish.

“Yes I did, you see the reddish tint he has that is why. Also,  because Jake said I wouldn’t do it.” She cuts her eyes at me as she laughs. I make my way to the tack room to gather all the things she needs. When I step out I see she has gotten Radish out so the others could pet him before we saddle him up. 

“So this is your horse?” I don’t look at Bob as he asks the question. I move to step around him and throw the blanket on Radish’s back, having already set the saddle down at my feet. 

Me and Y/N answer at the same time. “He is ours.” She is standing on the other side of the horse so I look down at her over his back. I love how her face lights up when she says that. This horse is the one thing that is just mine and hers. Growing up we were the only ones who took care of him. So many nights of just me and her in this barn brushing him down and talking about how to train him. It was just me and her. How it should be. 

“He was Jake’s but I kind of took him. So we have share custody of him. He won’t let Jake ride him if I am around.” 

“We learned that the hard way.” 

“Don’t say “we”. I knew, but you just didn’t want to listen to me.” She rolls her eyes at me. She isn’t wrong but I just like saying we. I shake the thought away and finish tightening the saddle down. 

“Fine, you can be right this time.” I give Radish a slap on the butt as I move to walk around to the side the others are on. “He is all set. I’ll walk y’all out and go grab Ranger.” I give Y/N’s shoulder a squeeze as I walk past her, with the others to the end of the barn.

“Be good to them Kate. No tricking the boys into getting on a bull.” She just gives me a toothy smile. One of her favorite things is talking people into bull riding. I have seen her do it too many times to not bring it up now. She just rolls her eyes as she takes hold of Bob's arm again and starts dragging him along. I want to be upset that she seems to have some kind of crush on him. Between him or Roster, I will say I am happy with Bob. I stand in the doorway of the barn and just watch them walk away. I know as soon as I go back in the barn Y/N is going to start asking questions. As much as I want to lie to her and just brush it off, I know with one look I will be done. Any lie I could come up with would be gone. I turn on my heels and take a deep breath. Here goes nothing. 

I walk back in to see she has already put the tack on Ranger and has the leads for both horses in hand as she walks to the far end of the barn that leads out to  the field. 

“You didn’t have to do that, I was coming back.” She turns her head slightly to give me a look then rolls her eyes as she continues to walk to the exit. We have always done this. She dresses my horse while I dress hers. It started when she was younger and didn’t know how. As she learned she would just get Ranger, doing the same as I did. 

When I get to her, I reach to take the lead from her hands but she moves them away. Oh great we are doing this now. Just for fun I try one more time to take them from her. She just moves them farther away. She then takes both leads and ties them to a post by the doors. She faces me and no words need to be spoken as she places her hand on her hip and tilts her head to the side. 

“What was Phoenix going on about?” She asks like what Phoenix said was a joke and I was about to set her straight. What she doesn’t know is that my answer will blow her life up and tear the relationship we have apart.  

“Well, I don't know I wasn’t there.” I am trying just to brush it off. 

“Jake, please work with me here.” She takes a step towards me. Panic rushes in and I can’t think. 

“Then ask a question I can answer.” I sigh. “What letters do you carry with you?” 

“Please don’t ask me that.” 

“Why?” 

Damn her stubbornness. 

“Because I want to tell you the truth.”

“Then tell me the truth!” She exclaims. 

“I can’t.” 

“I’m not getting what the big deal is.” She’s getting frustrated with me, her mouth is doing that twitch. 

“If I tell you, you’ll understand.” 

She crosses her arms, waiting. 

I run my hand down my face in defeat. “The letter in my cockpit is one of you describing the farm with a picture of a rooster crowing at the sun.”

“And the one in your jump suit?” 

“It is the one when you were talking about your future. And your future husband. You drew a picture of two people holding hands.” 

“You have 100s of letters, why those?”

“Y/N Please stop.”

“Tell me why Jake!” She demands. 

“What good does knowing do?” I shrug. 

“Please? I will beg.” She warns. 

“You will never have to beg for anything from me. It has always been yours.” I say softly. 

Please don’t make me tell you the truth. Please just let me lie to you.

She shakes her head. “Jake.”

“The one in the cockpit is where I go home too. The one in my jumpsuit is who I go home to.”

I have been keeping that to myself for so long, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. It's only when I look up at her the weight finds me again. I can almost feel her brain spinning. Her face keeps shifting. She has this joy that takes over then confusion. She then starts pacing. It's the cutest thing I have ever seen. Every few seconds she turns to me to speak but says nothing, then goes back to her pacing. I could let her do this forever. 

“So now what?” she finally turns to me. It is my turn to be confused.

“What do you mean now what?” 

“We feel the same jake. So now what do we do?” Her brow wrinkles. 

“We do nothing.” 

“What the fuck, that can’t be your answer.” 

“That is my answer.” I say firmly

“What? No. No that can’t be it. You can’t feel that way for me and want to do nothing.” She snaps. 

“Don’t you ever think I want to do nothing about it.” I warn. 

“Well here we are, Jake, you wanted to do nothing.” Her hands fall to her sides with her frustration. 

“This isn’t what I want! We can’t do anything. Why do you think I haven't told you all this time?” I plead. 

“Tell me this isn’t about the rule?” Her arms cross over her chest, and she pins me with a glare. 

“It's not a rule, it's a contract! Signed by our families saying they will never marry and if they do, they forfeit their right to the farm. You want this place right?” 

“How long have you known?” She demands. 

“Since you were 18.” I mutter. 

I didn’t see it coming but I felt it. The slap to my face was hard. I could feel the blood rushing to my face as I met her eyes again. She was full of anger now. Truth be told, I was okay with it. If she was mad at me, even if she hated me, maybe she wouldn’t want to be with me. She would keep this place. I wouldn’t have to spend my life being the one she loves and the one thing she regrets. She spins on her heels, takes the reins and rides off with Radish before I can say another word. 

Tag list: Here you are my beautiful people who wanted to be on the tag list! If you want to be added just let your girl know! Also you dont know the joy it brings me that people want to be on this tag list. 

@love2write2626​

@luckyladycreator2

@bxnnywatts

@rhirhikingston

@eternalsams

@dreamlandcreations

@topgunruinedme

@xxshea-barnesxx

@dempy

@shanimallina87

@lgg5989

@emily-b

@k-k0129