#infact i dont i really dont. its just so fucking tiring sometimes i dont fucking know.

[caruliaa]

can i be honest here maybe its just the time uts rly late but i rly feel like killing myself rn

[justcallmesakira]

tw: a quick vent cs i am fucking tired :3, lots of disturbing topics

Honesty i dont understand why i am breathing rn :D

Like maybe it was better if i hadent been born? i wish they aborted me honestly because no one would even care if i would dissapear for a day

Yeah no one! :D why? because i make myself so free to others that they only see me as the girl who helps everyone blah blah. If anything i sometimes wonder if i even have friends! Because i have to be the one coming up to them ALWAYS! just to converse so they dont gather in groups and talk shit abt me! hehe

Infact i dont know how many days i have left till i go jumping off a building! i am on my bedroom cold floor rn crying sobbing and whatever synonyms of weeping there is while typing this bcs i dont have the energy to write in my journal because my parents demotivated me so much by making my personal hobbies into studying and all i have 0 motivation to even breathe haha

I even choked on my water because of so much crying hahahah silly me

You know when i say i am fine/? I am not actually I have been sneaking to bathrooms to silently cry an overthing and have been overworking myself, starving myself and barely having any sleep!

I am far away from fine but will i lie so no one suspects me? Yup!

But maybe its my fault

Maybe my parents deserved a better daughter

Not someonen like me who cant even get a good diploma

Its definetly my fault that i am useless maybe if i worked a bit harder all these years i would have been someone better?

I really cant anymore like what do i ned to do to finally be accepted? I am good at nothing really i barely draw nowadays because my mom takes away my art supplies which i bought with my own money for months because ofmy exams so during that time i dont really have the energy to draw

I told myself i would journal everyday but after my mom told how ugly and shit my writing is and that i should stop writing abt my health and day and write about actual study type stuff

But ig its fr my own good,,journaling used to help me alot but now my fingers feel too numb :)

She even read my writing...I am happy she didnt read the part where i talk about how i am was continuosly banging my head against my kneecap because the concrete on my wall was too painfull and that i am starving myself to become skinnier nowadays and i cant hav great amount of sleep too

Hehe i guess i kindaof perform s/a

I want to write more things boggling in my mind because i ant stop crying, tears are continuoing to spill on my screen and i am trying my best not scream because if my mom hears it she will be mad

I dont want my mom to be mad it hurts me really tho she hurts me a bit more...still

Err anyways maybe i am being drmatic? idk i dont care anymore because i have been having a bit too much of suicidal thoughts

hehe:3

[eroticcannibal]

Oh ok sorry if this is like a weird question but what do you mean by watching for spots when you child wasn't showering? I've been struggling like hell to shower lately and no doc will actually tell me how to cope with that instead of just yelling at me to shower 🤦 so if you've got tips I would greatly appreciate them. And congrats to it for getting one done, that's a big win!

Like blemishes and stuff. Whiteheads, blackheads, pimples etc. Like they generally aren't a threat to ur health so despite how ppl treat them, it is infact ok to neglect your skincare and go a bit pizza face. But sometimes they can become painful and severely inflamed, and if u mess with them u can introduce infection, and thats when u need to be taking them seriously.

If ur struggling with hygiene first off just prioritise the important stuff. Teeth, ass, genitals and hands. The rest might get icky but you'll be OK. Dont fall for the flushable wipes bullshit but u can moisten toilet paper and combine cleaning with toilet use to make everything easier. Change ur clothes as often as u can. Changing sheets is an ordeal so if that's hard, extra layers between you and the bedding that you can swap out more regularly could be helpful. Like lying on a towel. If all else fails, always sleep in some kind of clothing that u can chuck in the wash and that will buy you a few days with your sheets. Also keep ur room cool to minimise sweating.

Minimising the steps required can help too. Like, u dont actually *need* anything other than water to shower. Sure various products and tools help but if ur struggling to even get in the shower, forget those. Keep it easy. A minute under water is better than nothing. Giving your hair a quick rub is better than not washing it at all. My big barrier to showering is finding a towel that the cats haven't dragged to the floor and pissed on so sometimes I just skip that. U can air dry. Or fucking use a hairdryer if thats nearer than a towel. Hell don't even get undressed if u cant manage that. Post childbirth I was so tired I showered in my pyjamas. And thats ok.

Also this may not be sufficient depending on climate, but honestly showering is overrated. A damp flannel on your stinkiest parts with a shower once a week and after excercise is completely acceptable as a normal hygiene routine (yes actually, no you don't all get to argue on this one this is backed up by ppl whose job it is to clean people). Ppl really get overly focused on showering and forget theres all kinds of ways to clean yourself.

I think when ur struggling its important to ignore the standards you can't meet and focus on what you can do. Any effort is enough no matter how small. Any way that you can find to do things is ok even if its not "normal". And if you can't do anything, that's fine too. There's stuff more important than hygiene that u should prioritise, like eating and drinking. U are allowed to spend ur energy elsewhere

[fox-steward]

hi. i hope you don't mind me asking this but i need some advice.

i was born female, and ive always been a tomboy, sometimes in the most stereotypical way. i was also a little lesbian who didn't know it yet. but after my younger sibling came out to me as trans, i started second guessing everything about myself.

for the sake of my sibling, who im closer to than anyone in my life, i learned about what theyre going through to support them and ended up getting taken in myself. i consumed all the yaoi and gay fanfiction they did, i read up on all the identities that were within the trans umbrella and eventually i started to think i wasnt a girl at all, but my infact a feminine transboy.

i never was able to transition on account of my family but the growing inner hate i felt for myself made me want to because deep down I knew that no matterr what i said or believed, id never be the cis gay boys i, essentially, fetishised and craved to be. it made me miserable, but i wanted to be accepted so badly that i stuck with it. but then i fou d your blog and others like it, and reading through it, whole reevaluating myself made me realise how misguided my mindset was.

despite realising that me being a tomboy is perfectly fine, i cant help but cling to that idea of being a boy, even though i have no idea what it means to "be a boy" or "feel like a boy". all i know is what the media portrays boys, feminine boys and gay boys to be like, and i clung to that idea for so long that i believed it to be my identity.

i just wanted to ask, if i can, how can i get over this mindset? i feel terrible because my younger sibling still identifies as trans without a shadow of a doubt, and my questioning of myself makes me feel awful, but i also feel bad because... i dont know who i am really now. how can i just be me again?

sorry this is long. any advice would be very very much appreciated.

it sounds like you’ve been through it, anon. whew! i just wanna acknowledge what a mindfuck you’ve been through, and it’s normal to feel no so great.

i actually think you’re grieving, strange as that sounds, but hear me out. being female is not easy, being a masculine woman comes with its own set of challenges, and imagining yourself as a “gay transboy” was an escape from all that. you could imagine a future for yourself where you grew up to be a gay man, not a gay woman. it’s worth noting relationships between men are the only sexual/romantic pairing that isn’t party to misogyny within the relationship itself.

it’s intoxicating to imagine we could have that ourselves, huh? it happened to me too, and i’m not even actually attracted to males at all, i was really just seduced by the idea of a relationship of equals.

but this. is. a. fantasy. one we as female people can never achieve.

so you’re grieving the vision you had for your future. your grief doesn’t care that the thing you promised yourself is impossible.

you’re undergoing another shift in the way you see yourself, the way you imagine yourself moving through the world. that’s hard, anon. being a tomboy, while absolutely lovely and perfectly fine, can be really difficult in our misogynistic society. it’s like that dworkin quote i’m about to butcher—something something absolutely excruciating to be fully aware of the misogyny all around us. you get the gist. and she’s right, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.

so idk, i don’t have any specific advice, but i do know a lot about grief. with grief, you gotta accept you’re gonna feel shitty for a while and absolve yourself of the responsibility of ~fEeLiNg HaPpY~ for now. i’m being flippant because happiness is a mirage anyway. we get pricks of joy, moments of brightness or laughter, flow and contentment, enjoyment, pleasure, and these fill in between other moments of discomfort or monotony or tedium or malaise or or or. and if we’re lucky we are aware when the good stuff is happening, so that we can pause and say, gee this is nice. and if you get enough of then and you’re aware enough as they’re happening, perhaps you can tie it up in a bow of hindsight and call it contentment.

tangent, sorry. practically, keep yourself busy and tire yourself the fuck out, tbh. when my wife left, i started just going and doing things, anything i didn’t actively NOT want to do. dancing, concerts, art class, bike ride, walk a friends dog, cooking class, sit in a field and listen to music.

just do anything. i know it’s hard during covid, but it isn’t so much WHAT you do but THAT you do. take the field example—you have to travel there (that kills time!) and maybe you walk or bike (that is physical activity) then you do the thing you planned to do (takes more time) and you have to travel home (more time and activity) then you have completed something you set out to do (an achievement/free endorphins).

i also took up running when she left (tire myself the fuck out) and that changed so much for me. with grief, rumination and sleeplessness plagued me; running took both those out of the equation. so my sleep improved, i got stronger and my cardiovascular fitness improved, i ate better, i got to see myself improve and achieve goals, got to build an identity separate from who i was in my marriage. so i cannot recommend running enough.

and as for identity, finding out “who you are”—identity is a trap. don’t cement yourself to any one thing because everything changes. don’t define yourself by externalities, just be open and curious about your inner life, your qualities (which are also able to change btw) and start to strengthen the ones you like, like training a muscle. i practice (literally practice) kindness and discipline, which are important qualities for how i see myself. i also practice at compassion and i like how these things make me feel and how i show up in the world when i’m practicing at them. what qualities will you train in yourself?

you’re not defined in relation to your sibling, btw, and they aren’t defined in relation to you. you can question transness while still loving them.

you’re gonna be just fine, anon. you have plenty of time. grieve the future you can’t have, even though it’s truly for the best, and cultivate a person in yourself you’re excited to be. good luck.

[sisyphus-cursive]

YOU CAN HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS WITHOUT ALL THE SYMPTOMS PRESENT

Hello, ive been diagnosed as scizotypal for over half a year and i dont have all the symptoms, but its still so obvious that im inflicted

Im not anxious in social situations, infact im a social butterfly, as long as they dont cling on to me because im in it for a quick and fun night not for a commitment of "how are you?"

I suffer from magical thinking and paranoia, and its kind of bad

I cut myself really deep as blood sacrifice for my classmate and she got exactly what she dreamed of just an hour later

Everyone i know is planning something in groups, just those 7 groups dont know they all want the same thing

All cars are programmed to hit me unless i stand by the rode until they have completely stopped, but still i stare at the cars, breaking my neck turning it

I sometimes turn invisible when 3 or more people are talking and they can only see me when i emotionally flip so out that the barrier drop

Every time i buy a watermelon i taste it with the tip of my tongue real quick and ask someone to finish a piece before eating it because someone might have changed it with red fish and i dont like fish

Walls have eyes that have a new personality and eye color every night

When i mastrubate i hide under two blankets because even in that darkness my ancestors might watch and then make fun of me when i die

Some people can sense whats going on when their backs are turned in the radius of a mirror

Zodiac signs are bullshit but the shapes my birthmarks create on my skin tell me the kind of clothes i should wear

Im a real oddball

I make tortilla chip sandwiches by putting a slice of soft processed cheddar between two similar sized and shaped chips

Soup is disgusting, but beet soup powder is the best drug

Cinnamon goes on pizza

Pepsi and icecream is the best milkshake, but cola is evil

I dress weirdly and have weid hair and honestly everything about me is weird because im scared i wouldnt recognize myself on the street otherwise

My mental health cant bear working at all for the past few monts but i have a half time job because when the yellow eyed people come checking on me they cant do anything about it when im visibly suspicious of them, too many people

Sometimes i almost see the people that are behind my back turning into monsters and running after me

My bf, the only enjoyable person on earth is tired of me trying to explaing that i see some events from the future and can make rain

I somehow still believe that my psychiatrist only wants the best for me because im probably the only great person in her life but she has to give me the meds to pretend she doesnt know that im special but she knows that they dont paralyze my powers

So i know its all bullshit but at the same time.. Mhh doubt that

Anyways, i know im fucked and stuff but not according to all the dots

[happyimaginaryme]

Retail

I really don't want to work retial anymore. Infact I don't want to work customer service jobs anymore. I've been doing it for 8 years and my currant Job is breaking me. Its not a bad job persay? Like don't get me wrong, I don't mind the pay, the yearly raises (even if they are small -cough- .25-.40 cents small -cough-) and the benfits are decent.

However... Is it fucking worth it? The shit we go through. The Shit Customers put us through. Sure sure there are some you like. Some you may even worry about if you don't see them. Some who you may see as a friend. It's going to happen.

However they don't always make up for the ones who are just nasty, The ones who are demanding, or The ones who creep you out. It's just tiring some. If something small doesnt go their way they chew your head out.

Like roday (well yesterday now) I am not even in work an hour and a lady comes over to the photo department to ask for her photos.... Sure fine no problem. Well you would think. No other rhan giving us her name the first thing she snaps at us is "Where is my 15% discount?! That's the regular price. I had a coupon for 15% off!" Absultly demanding the extra $2 dollars off. Now I am the closing manager. So I can okay the sale. But we need to see the coupon code as proof.

Now she has her phone in hand (A smart phone mind you) and she tells us its in her e-mail. That she can't get to it.

So I said 'well we can look on our website and see if we can get you another deal. There might be a better one...."

She wasn't happy with that. She demanded her 15. (Even tho onlime we had a %30 off for enlargmets which is what she got. But w.e she wanted 15)

Fastforward a few minutes after I gave her the %15 off b.c I wasn't going to argue with her she starts to accuse us for printing out her photos wrong. So my accoate explainds to her that we only print what is.sent over. We can't change things. (We can crop but only a little bit.)

Well she wasn't happy and refused the order. But.she still wanted 3 of her photos to take. So I adjusted the price. And she left once it was lowered from 15 to $7... Like lady damn.

And it just got on my last nerv. And I was only an hour in. Between a couponer whos crazy, a theif who lets her kid run around crazy while she is dressed in onsi pajamas, A guy trying to return something without a recept and then steeling what he wanted to exstange for, and a cowroker who wont so anything... I'm tired.

I am tired of being one of the only workers who does something. And there are days where I feel like I am the only one. (I love three of my coworkers to death but one goes around playing with a telzon, one dissapears or stops working after one task and the other takes his time and sometimes rather watch youtube as he works) but thoes are the three that will also work when asked. Everyone else are lazy shits.

Plus we work every fucking holiday and my store manager is always like "I have such a good team they will work the hokidays and then I wont have to yay! ESCUSE YOU BITCH I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE IT OFF TOO AND MAKE YOU WORKK! Fucking cunt.

Then we do work the holiday and we get a lot of "sorry you're open. At least we/I'm here to make your time well spent

No Karen you being here is WHY we have to. GTF home and be christmas or whatrver you celebrate hole. Like DAMN the less customerd we havr the less likely we'll be open.

And whats really not fair is the Pharmacy is closed and all the techs don't have to work. I get their primary jobs are to work in the pharmacy but when they want extra hours they are up front with us. So I don't get why the Techs don't have to work either. Or maybe we shouldn't give them hours bc they don't even volinteer and when asked they say nah sorry. Well screw you crystal you "intitled" bitch. Yet god forbid we dont help them the following morning when they are overflowing with scripts. Coulda shoulda worked it then.

I am also so tired of the distract managers telling us to be non Bias yet have western Union and to be suspecious of everyone who is making a purchas.

Don't accuse anyone from steeling even as you watch them do it, but as soon as they go to the Kiosk for western union you need to know everything from their mother's maden name to their great aunts sosocal secerety number.

Speaking of we now card everyone. Oh yeah you 80 years old and want to smoke some newports but you forgot your I.D? Sorry bra no lung crushers for you today. But here you can buy this lighter for 1.59. Have a great day!

Also corpate is so dumb. Half of them probbaly never worked in reatail their life but insists they know how to treat customers. Sorry to say this bucko but the customers always right BULL SHIT flew out the window along with beepers. Customers are NOT always right. They are NOT right when they yell at your face. They are NOT right when they call you names. They are NOT right when they tell you to have a real job. They are NOT right when they bring in their tiny non service dogs and allow them to pee on our floor. The only thing a customer should do is get their item(s) pay for them and get the fuck out. If a coupon ism't working we can usually solve why in minutes without you butching and yelling. Like okay Linda I'm not going to give it to you if you keep yelling in my face.

Also why do customers think its okay to hit on you? I have this customer who chases me around the store, asks me to merry her a few times a wek. What does my managers do? Laugh about it. Coz we can't kick customers out of the store unless they are physically hurting us or useing cuss words. Nothing about sexual herassment.

Lets not even get me started with school kids. Kids to vandlize our bathrooms, and cuss throughout the store. Not to mention steal what they can.

Fuck I am just tired. Goodnignt.

Stressful depressful Lemon Zest

[calvinlepesh]

Purpose? Purpose.

My life was perfect til that day. I didn't even have a clue of how good off I was. Disrespectful, ungrateful, angry, but truly, sad. "From the beginning of my time or from the realization of the universe?" Very bold question I ask myself currently. How do I want to convey my knowledge? How do I want people to percieve what i will tell them? How will I word my stories and thoughts in a way that is too hard for normal people to understand? Can I? From the beginning it is! Now, Born Valentines day 1999 was chubby cheeked enthusiastically loved and cherished Lepesh. Born in Minnesota cold. Raised in Minnesota cold. Lepesh knew hot summer fun, running through the sprinklers, water balloon fights, Football, Basketball, Ice cream trucks, Chalk on the side walk/driveway, Biking with neighbors around our nitche. Biking by myself to the gasstation for candy. Waking up in the middle of the night to play video games in the basement, Getting caught waking up in the middle of the night to play video games in the basement. Lepesh knew winter fun. Snowboarding, Snowfuckingshoeing, Sleding, Snow tubing, Snowball fights, Huge snowmen, Snow forts along the cul-de-sac snowwall created by the huge cool snow plow! Wow! I thought to myself  mouth wide open with a smile, as the large plow on the front of the truck bursted through large mountainous snow mounds with ease. Creating wonderous mounds of snow in every frontyard across the neighborhood. Building snow forts and then having a war with snow balls. The point is my childhood was filled with fucking joy and happiness. It rocked man and Im super happy that it happened. I couldn't imagine this shit happening to me before.. Well before it happened. Its 2008. Its december as I sit on the couch with my brother and my parents..... well wait here theres a little more first. February 14th 2008 Im nine years old today. Im in Mr.Larsons fourth grade class. I enjoy creative writing, recess and lunch. although I didn't write much. I really love football and sports around this time. I decided to be a cowboys football fan when my dad said I could choose cause hes too nice to force me into being a Vikings fan. My parents especially my mom but definitely my dad aswell. Let us choose what we wanted. Which I disagree with now and will certainly not allow my childeren to decide what is right. Although Im sure I will at some point definitely not in elementary what the fuck?! Anyways. Decieded to be a cowboys fan cause my dad hates them and loves the Vikings. Which I now love today. Anyways. Im in the car with my whole immediate family driving. I ask where we're going or what we're doing. While heading west in the car my dad tells me we're going to Wisconsin and we're gonna stay the night at a hotel. The entire car ride their my dad is messing with me and im furious. Im certain today if I was in the passenger seat during the exchanges between my father and I I'd be laughing my ass off. But almost at the same time sad and angry of how ungrateful and disrespectful I probably was to my father. Idk maybe I just pouted, which I did alot lol.. anyways We finally arrive after probably an hour or so drive west, not infact in the direction of Wisconsin to a large farm in eastern Minnesota. 'There's nothing here' I thought to myself. It wasn't a desolate farm but damn near close. Large housing for live stock aswell as people. My father then reveals that im going to be getting my own dog for my birthday. I immediately light with excitement and smiles. Joy pulsing in my heart. Ive always wanted a dOG' i think to myself as I turn to my brother with excitement. I can only imagine how wide and big my smile and cheeks were to this day. Entering into the large barn with my family. Me, my brother, mother , and father all enter the barn to the amazement of dogs and insulation lol. From the outside it almost looks like a overly large stereotypical red barn, however the inside has another side to the story. Carpeted floors off to the left held the petting area with already free roaming dogs. while the right side of the room looked as if they did paper work and forms and whatnot. Going right wasn't even a thought in my head. LEFT. Headed for the dogs im stopped by my mom who is greeted by the worker/farmer. Im not even listening to her. I want a fucking dog. Moments go and my patience already thin is thinner. It takes alot for me to blow up even as a child. The problem was the things building up my 'meter of rage' as a child shouldn't have been. Anyway. Finally I head over to the dogs climbing the little fence even a little small for me already tall for my age. Immediately I spot an adorable smaller black dog. I kneel down to sit with it and attempt to hold it. Only to kneel right into a huge carpet puddle newly accompanied by its main ingredient dog piss. Nice. As i tell my mom she just laughs and tells me to be careful. Its what I did worst and least often. Unfortunately that was one of my biggest issues. After looking for awhile. I now realize my dad was probably ready to leave after 10-15 minutes definitely longer than that but Understandable nonetheless. After probably 35-45 minutes of trying to find a dog that didnt shed and was actually good looking. My mom had been carrying this one dog in paticular for a decent amount of time. Asleep in her arms as if a child beautifully sleeps my savior..... The car ride home Hank held the dog the entire time. Almost sinisterly which him being an older brother. acceptable, however frowned upon. Uncharacteristically careful I am as I hold my new dog. Smile from cheek to cheek and thats a long distance lol. Still carefully holding her i slowly bring her and a blanket along with hank to the basement. Where I lay out the fluffy green blanket and set Katy ever so gentely down. Standing next to my brother stareing almost in a daze like trance. We have a dog!' We were so happy. Hank and Lep happy? Together? very rare nowadays. I would certainly come to forget of such times even now almost a foriegn concept of us being so happy together. Now back to the OG storayyy............ Holding katy close weilding her support almost as a weapon to defend myself from such an awful thing. Its happening' I feel it' i just know' its happening' We are able to create our own reality because we (humans) designed a very primitive (in comparison to the universe) way to communicate how we feel. Speech. Speech is very important. Its our first amendment here in the US. say whatever u want. Pretty much. our speech is primitive because it doesn't describe things that we are uncertain of. We have to choose in our speech whether to Have no Idea Agree disagree yes no. Now of course there are exceptions to that. But not to normal people. Normal people can't understand this. If you are reading this right now and are lost for words but think you're 'awake' so to speak. just listen. This is a huge secret to life. Huge. It may change ur life over night. The best part about it is you get to decide. Ask yourself. Am I going to be open minded to what this man has to say? Ask yourself do I want whatever he says to be true in my life?... Just so I can touch as many people as possible and help the (working class which im apart of} hear me out. You may think im fucking crazy or that idk what life even is either and you're right I don't but all you have to do IS ACCEPT THAT WHATEVER IS/WILL/HAS EVER HAPPENED, Happened because you decided it was going to happen. Before you were even born. Before anybody way born. The best part about it. Is that it is unpredictable and it is fueled and directed DIRECTLY from our speech. Whatever you speak out loud for example say I said and I have. I want to fucking die. and I meant it. I really mean it. If you don't mean what you say then learn to do that before anything. Before u start this really take the time to realize ur worth not as a person but as you. Cause you created everything in your world. The best part you created it that way cause thats the way it turns out best for you. I hope atleast. Think about it. You get through everything. most things people kill themselves over. You're trying to make yourself strong for some reason possibly? or maybe catching myself up to everyone else cause I had such a nice and spoiled childhood? Past karma current karma. Thats what gets me. Theres no way a god created this world. But i could've created this world. Maybe im evil just like the world a little bit deep down. I am. Definitely a little evil. Its apart of my soul. Its apart of everyones soul in my world maybe not as much on some people and Ill never know why that is and I don't need to cause, I trust my judgement. It may be wrong sometimes but im still alive today for some reason that I decieded. thats the beauty of myself I truly never know what im gonna do each day specifically. Ill know if im gonna be tired or up for another 5 hours. Cause I will be and Ill feel it. Ill know when i need to fucking pee. But I never know what mindset is right or true for me. partially cause i have shitty short term memory and bad hearing and vision and a bad liver. im 19 lol. Anyway. Basically the secret is speak what you want and mean it everyday. You'll know if you dont want it as badly some days. you might even miss a day. All you're trying to do for yourself by doing this is getting yourself into a routine where you put those '(vibes) or Speech and words/ Communication. Communicate with your universe. Speak how you feel. Speak what you want. Speak how you're going to get it. Even if you're thinking theres no fucking way thatll happen. Theres no fucking way im ever going to pass through college. theres no fucking way id be able to get through law school. I can't be a chef I've hardly cooked. are my common misfires. Misfires however very common after the first few days to weeks will disapate if you PUSH ON! Just like you always have! This is what you were waiting to find. You created the world it is today for yourself today to see this and reconize for yourself today. That you're doing this wrong. Since starting my program I live with partial contentment as a human being. However I personally keep myself open to negative thoughts and wishes periodically to balance my life. However as for most of u assume this is rather stupid but selfless nonetheless. The reason I hold dark as I hold light is because this is what I decieded and this was meant to happen. The decision made by the creator of my universe which is me to write this to you and share what I have learned to help better your lifes for the benefit of them I do not know what I or they gain from this because it is beyond my comprehension aswell as yours. It could be for something of the lines of in 200 years cause I told you these secrets and my experiences and helped you better your life over time and you benefitted and you passed onto your childeren. that no your family lives on in the future 200 years from now. and they're good people. maybe not all. But if taught correctly and this isnt a cureall for everybody. But it significantly helps better improve overall mood and life tolerance in your life. It doesn't work immediately. It isn't gonna take it easy on you just cause you know now. In fact. If you are not open minded currently do not read because this idea sent and recieved and read and processed by a closed mind. Blocks the process from ever having the ability for your mind to hear and read properly as an openminded individual would.

[s3venpounds]

1-102

102 questions? damn thats gonna be tough my guy but aight

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

i do. at least, i trust in them enough to not take the phrase lightly.

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

considering im 22 thats not that huge of a gap, considering some people have like a 10 year difference. so yeah i guess

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

pretty recently actually, went to a birthday party of an acquaintance and i didn’t really enjoy myself til i went to sing karaoke but my drunk friend was being hella annoying at the same time

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

i do that on the daily so yeah

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

i mean probably, humans can’t do ANYTHING without having both a positive and negative influence

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

yeah Spire- Reverie( feat FAWNA) that song was sent by said friend that i got reminded of =]

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

red plaid boyfriend style shirt, pepperoni pizza print socks, superman boxers and some athletic shorts with my highschools logo and colors 

8. How often do you listen to music?

whenever im not talking to someone, playing games, or in a serious atmosphere

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

sweats after wearing sweats style pants for so long its hard to go back to my skinny jeans

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

considering its 2017 and literally nothing happened in 2013 but my graduation then no

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

both? i think im one of those things you call an ambivert.

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? 

yeah and he was way too timid about it man like ‘s just a kiss

13. What about ‘R’?

nope all my friends with an r name arent close enough for me to try that shit

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

nope would love to learn though

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

yep. mostly so i know where to tweak my personality so i can improve as a person i guess but yeah i tend to get paranoid

16. Are you going out of town soon?

not to my knowledge no, but it wouldnt be the first time my parents pull out “surprise” plane tickets to go somewhere i didn’t want to and on such short notice

17. When was the last time you cried?

mmmmmm can’t remember, so its not in the past 6 months or so

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah, went downhill afterwards

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

blue or purple if possible thatd be dope

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

no not really

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

how hungry i am and the lack of food

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

considering im not gay or at least not confirmed yet, no. 

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

dunno, not even sure where we stand

24. What are you sitting on right now?

a folded up blanket and an old office chair

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

its not everyday but when i say i love them they say it back so thats nice

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

yep, multiple times. but yknow oh well right? i would rather something be left where it is than go through an extra excruciating chapter of hurt just because i fell in love with someone i barely knew

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

A.T

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

nope infact the last time i got sick was 2 years ago i believe

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

blue notes, it was on sale and it WAS really soft not its just eh soft

30. Does anyone hate you?

HAHAHHAA yeah. one of my friends confirmed it too still do i think

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

why would i hide them.. these questions were clearly made for someone under 18 and i apologize for reblogging without reading them

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

FUCK.NO.FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME WATCH THEM AND FUCK YOU FOR BRINGING THEM NEAR ME

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

nah sounds like too much maitenence

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

my first year. erase my existence. nah im kidding i would probs delete last year or the year before that anywhere in that time frame

35. Did you have a dream last night?

nope sadly =[

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

the day before yesterday we were both v sleepy after movie night

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

nope. marriage is an annoying thing and until i find someone worth all that struggle not gonna happen. but ive got a good feeling about this one

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

considering they said i love you yeah i would hope so

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

that same person also said this a few days ago so yeah i think so

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

yeah found some old classic songs and got my body groovin that night

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

nope 

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

nope

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

no… and now i feel a little sad

44. What’s the best part about school?

when all ur friends did something amazing yesterday and they talk about it with u all excited and shit

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

yep , some are really cringe worthy 

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

nope i just texted notes were too hard to pass without getting caught

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

yeah a lot to the point im almost there

48. Were you single over the last summer?

yep

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

yeah a little

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

chores, usual adult things, maybe cooking

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

nah i dont hate him, maybe not on the best terms with em but yeah

52. Are you nice to everyone?

nope there are some people that just rub me the wrong way

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah 100%

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

are you serious? 6 months? thats so short, how the hell anyone falters at that point? i expect people to start cheating ATLEAST at the 1 year mark 

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

not very to be honest. i wear my heart on my sleeve as a friend says.

56. Do you think you like someone?

yeah i think i do

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

no…….?

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

boys are fun for mindless fun but girls are more for sentimental stuff. both are equally nice to be around

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

yeah tequila is a bitch

60. Do you hate anyone?

yep! same person who hates me!

61. How’s your heart?

like spiritually or like physically. havent gotten a medical check up so dunno, and spiritually? its being taken care of so thats nice

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

yep! and i refuse to talk about it =]

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

nope never

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

person who hates me HEH maybe even my best friend but in an endearing way like “ this fucking bitch decided to snort fucking fundip hes my friend but god damn hes a fucking dumbass”

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

nope i wouldnt mind painting em tho

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

probably i make a lot of them

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

they better not. youre a shitty person for pushing someone to that point. 

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

yeah, sometimes on purpose sometimes on accident, sometimes cuz i wanted to

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

A.T

70. How do you look right now?

like shite mate i havent showered yet

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

yeah Justin HEH

72. Can you commit to one person?

i damn hope so otherwise life is gonna be hella lonely

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

yeah! 

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

yep. multiple times too

75. Did you wake up cranky?

nope woke up horny. thats what happens with morning wood

76. Are you a jealous person?

yeah, the more amazing someone is the more jealous i get

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

i wanna say yes so yall dont shy away from them but like real talk its fucking aggravating, a lot of work, and tiring sometimes. anyone who says otherwise is glossing over shit or hasn’t seen the whole spectrum yet

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

yeah about 98% done too

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

yeah 

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

the same tiring shit as everyday pinky try and take over the world

81. Last person you cried in front of?

justin

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

Azley.

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

considering they stayed up with me while i was hitting an emotional low yeah i would think so

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

cuddling, probably freaking out that we’re physically right in front of each other

85. Are you over your past?

nah, i like my past as shitty, cringy and heartbreaking as it is i love it

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

yeah isnt that how relationships happen….?

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

yeah justin

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

yeah i’d accept it, then close the door.

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

yeah cuz its fucking cold outside my dood, here lemme get some tea or some shit youre probs freezing

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

honestly yeah i once had this really spotty conversation with a girl literally everyone in the school hated at the time. then i realized wow, im just horny and have no substantial feelings for this person and if i do go through with this i will regret it

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

i dont know i dont like to think very far

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

yeah he grew out his hair like that annoying french kid in the will smith movie hitchcock that kept calling him  le petite asshole

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

nope

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

nope 

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

nope HAH

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

considering the last person was my brother fuck no. hes ugly as all hell

97. Who do you have texts from?

uhh, my brother, my best friend, my brother in law, my phone company, and a close friend

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? i would cheer em on while i get fetch the crown royal hidden in the back of the pantry

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeah not that much different from anyone else really

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? 

no one unless you mean the person who took the photo then my cousin

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

no, and i dont plan to now. i hate them.

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

yes.

overall this shit has gotten my mood a little low so if yall excuse me im gonna mentally drown in music