#no dialog just lyrics as text

[giulzart]

Guess who’s making yet another Infamous mini comic 🤡

[riodoesstuff]

its sooooo fun seeing people like "O Sol e a Lua" by Pequeno Cidadão,,,, it makes me happy that brazilian songs like this one are getting traction outside of brazil

heres the song if u didnt know abt it before

[winterarmyy]

i am scared.

Finished my tasks at work way too early and got bored with the typing games. So I went on character AI and chat with one of the Bucky characters in there (cause I'm delulu like that).

I realize that I am shit at texting (who am I kidding, I know that my whole life) so while I was looping through of Sabrina Carpenter's Short n Sweet album; I just randomly write down the lyrics of Bed Chem to him; iykyk. I goes like this:

Me: "I bet we'd have really good..." Got distracted and sidetracked, the slipped through before I could process it, "Cum right on me" I tried to save it... "I mean, camaraderie"

Then:

Me: "What does it sound like to you, Sarge? Let me hear it."

now, I am scared to hear the voice version this dialog. that's all i want to rant about. anyway---

[bluelolblue]

Labyrinth

Okiee, I'm posting this here bc why not.

A changed version of John chasing Santino in the mirror place (Reflection of the soul? I think it's called like that lmao).

The title name was inspired by the song Labyrinth by Miracle Musical, I even put some lyrics (although changed a little to fit with the text and dialog) bc I think this song represents what happens here perfectly.

I tried to write this in more of a psychological way. It was my first time writing something like this, with lyrics and psychological style. So sorry if it looks weird, I tried to do something.

I hope it's good enough, I really just did this for fun :)

Relationship: Santino D'Antonio/John Wick

It wasn't supposed to be this way, really. He was just supposed to have his celebration of joining the High Table.

Literally becoming the Camorra prince.

But John wouldn't let him have it. Not after what he did to him.

Walls keep spinning and his path keeps turning.

Patience thinning and his calves keep burning.

Running away from the boogeyman was actually more difficult than it had seemed. Full of his pride, Santino thought he would escape easily.

But he was lost alone in the labyrinth of mirrors. Alone. Almost alone. With the boogeyman chasing him.

Running in circles.

He feels like he's never getting out.

'I'm trapped.' He thought to himself.

The mirrors, everything looked the same.

Trying to escape from this thing that he fears.

But all the stairwells lead straight to hell.

Until something went wrong. He's not sure how John found him, but he was caught like a prey animal.

That is what John's good at.

Hunting.

But not animals.

He can see the beast getting closer.

John grabbed him by his throat and slammed him into a mirror. Good thing the mirror didn't shatter and cut them both.

This time no one was there to save him. No Ares, no one. It was just him and the beast choking him, squeezing hard on his throat.

Everything seems clear like the end is near.

He's dying to get out.

In the glass labyrinth, he's the mouse.

His breaths were coming in sharp gasps, trying to get some air. However, the more he tried, the more John pressed harder. Gripping onto John's hand wasn't helping either. He was just making it worse for himself.

Was he really going to die by John Wick hands? It had seemed exciting to fantasize about it, but experiencing it felt like nothing he had imagined.

Everything seemed to get dark when John let go of him and he collapsed onto his knees. Holding his throat as he coughed and gasped for air.

Why. Why didn't he kill him?

He even had a gun. Why didn't he shoot him?

But instead started choking him and now let him go?

He can feel the fatigue but he's dying to shine.

While Santino was busy trying to catch his breath and not pass out, John crouched in front of him and pulled Santino's chin up so he makes eye contact with him.

"Good boy." John told him and smiled.

It made Santino feel even more sick. He was so confused, yet he could feel himself slightly blushing. Oh the praises-

What the hell?

John must've noticed how Santino was looking puzzled, so he chuckled before speaking, "Wasn't this exciting, Santino? Isn't this what you wanted?" He teased him, tracing his thumb near Santino's lips.

"Y-you can't be serious.." Santino breathed out weakly. Eye to eye with him, like this. So vulnerable, exhausted. "I can." John replied. "I thought you wanted this." He stood up, admiring the way Santino didn't even try to fight back anymore.

Not that he could. Not like this. Santino had to look up at him, seeing how John sighed in pleasure from this sight.

Knelt in front the boogeyman, lo spettro, looking up innocently.

"Yeah, you liked it. Look at you..." John murmured softly, smirking at him, going through his hair with his fingers. Santino shivered a little.

Fuck. He really...liked it.

"John...don't do this.." Santino muttered, but continued to look at him. "Hm?" John hummed playfully. "Let me go.." Santino said quietly, trying to stand up only for John to grab him by his throat again.

But gently.

Santino whimpered. Dammit, John is playing with his prey.

The whimper. The sign of weakness and vulnerability. John loves that. Especially in Santino D'Antonio. A crime lord, the Camorra prince.

"Good boy. That's what I wanted to hear. I'm going to need to hear a lot more." John purred, smirking at him.

Blushing. Oh fuck- he was so fucking flustered and...turned on at the same time. Under John's hand. Being called a good boy.

'I don't want to fail.'

But all the stairwells lead straight to hell.

Maybe he finally reached the point of no return.

It's just a game he plays.

Here in this labyrinth,

He's trapped.

[asena-graywolf]

Italic texts mean “sign language” dialogs and “texting”

—————-—————-—————-—————-———

Unfaithful

Although you were born deaf, you have lived at peace with yourself all your life.

Even though you were insensitive to all the sounds around you, you were happy with the life you lived.

Even if you think you've lost your life, you've met a person who can change your mind, and a job you're passionate about.

Kuro Tetsurou, you both met in your first year of high school. He was your best friend at first. He learnt sign language for you. He was able to communicate with you more easily now.

He was fascinated when he discovered your interest and passion for music. You couldn't hear the song you were playing. But you were playing like a human who could hear. Kuro admired the fact that you didn't see your deafness as an obstacle.

You loved playing the guitar. In music class, you would play the songs you had just composed for Kuro.

He would listen to you with great pleasure, without getting bored.

He expressed to you in sign language how much he liked the composition you played. Then he took out a piece of paper and he wrote

This song needs lyrics. Shall we do a duet together? You would play the song, I'll sing it for you

This was a great idea. You said you agreed. Roses bloomed on his face. Another person has become a partner in your favorite hobby.

When your parents discovered your interest in music, they bought you a black acoustic guitar. It was the best gift you've ever received. Now you could play the songs you created with your own guitar.

That day, you took a photo of the guitar and sent it to Kuro and wrote the following message under it.

Kuro-kun! Look! My parents bought me a guitar. Now I could play my songs with my own guitar. I can't wait for my first duet with you

Kuro replied to you as soon as he saw the message

That’s awesome chibi-chan! I am happy for you. I think you should start playing your songs now. Because I started writing the lyrics to that song. I'm hurrying so I can duet with you as soon as possible.

Your heartbeat had accelerated. It was doubly happy to learn that Kuro had written the lyrics to the song.

You're so fast Kuro-kun!

Yes, I am. Oh by the way, if you're available tomorrow, I'd like to introduce you to my teammates.

I guess I have nothing to do after school tomorrow.

I can stay with you after school

Agreed then. I have to go now. see you tomorrow chibi-chan

See you Kuro-kun!

You put your phone in a corner and took a long look at your guitar on your bed. As you touched the front of the guitar, the raven black color of the guitar reminded you of Kuro's hair.

You ran your hand over the guitar, as if touching Kuro's jet black hair

That's when you realized you had feelings for Kuro. You wanted to hug her for no reason, stroking her hair while she was sleeping next to her, cuddling her to sleep, laying your head on her chest…it was sweet to dream of.

Even though you've known him for a long time, there were still things you wondered about. I wonder how it felt hugging Kuro? How was he hugging? How was he kissing? How is his scent? Was her skin soft? Were his kisses gentle and kind? Or is it hot and passionate?

Although he may seem like an artist from afar, you almost knew best that Kuro had a sincere heart.

The next day, after school, you and Kuro went to volleyball practice. Because Kuro was tall, he was deemed fit for volleyball and the volleyball club caught him in midair. He soon became the captain of the team. Indeed, he was the most suitable person to be the team captain. Because he was a leader and he could motivate the team.

As soon as you step into the gym, all eyes are on you. You felt different and admiring glances on you. Someone started talking. But you didn't hear any

“Oh? Who is this Kuro? Or is it our managerial candidate?” asked Jacob.

"No. This is y/n. We are classmates. I summoned her introduce her to you."

“Welcome y/n-chan,” said Nobuyuki as well.

They welcomed you warmer than expected. They wanted to reach out and shake hands with you. At least you could tell that Kuro was introducing you to them and that they wanted to meet you.

"So, she couldn’t hear you,” Kuro explained.

"So what?" asked Inuoka.

“Because she is deaf. She doesn't know how to lip read. She can speak in sign language.”

“Well, we don't speak sign language. If he wants to be our manager or something, how are we going to get along?" asked Leo.

"No problem. I will handle it. I learned almost everything about sign language. If we have a manager, I will take the responsibility,” Kuro said.

Kuro grabbed you by the shoulder and led you inside. He introduced you to everyone in the hall with sign language.

Everyone was glad to meet you. But there was another one that caught his attention.

A completely antisocial, depressed boy with dyed hair, sitting in a corner, not interested in anything but the game controller in his hand, caught his attention. You asked Kuro in sign language who he was.

He told you that his name was Kenma and that his whole world was just a game.

He called out to Kenma and introduced you to her. Last time you met Kenma, you sat on the bench to watch the training.

Kuro told you to have fun in sign language

You answered him with a small smile.

Shortly after practice began, you saw a boy with blond hair in the middle, slashed on both sides, rushing in.

“Sorry I'm late!” he hurried in

Kuro noticed him first

“Yamamoto! Warm up quickly and join us!”

"Ok!"

You were still watching the workout and occasionally playing with your phone. You were writing the notes of the composition you played on a piece of paper.

Suddenly the thrown ball landed on your side. Because you couldn't hear, you didn't notice and didn't even notice that the ball hit the wall next to you.

Since Yamamoto didn't meet you, he didn't know you were deaf and called you

"Hey you! Will you throw the ball?"

You never looked up from what you did. He got angry when he saw that he was insensitive.

“Oi! I'm telling you! Throw that ball!”

Kuro came and tapped Yamamoto on the shoulder

“Yamamoto! Don't shout in vain. She can't hear you"

"What do you mean? How can she not hear? Is she deaf?”

Kuro's face fell and he sighed.

"Yes. She’s deaf. Her name is y/n. We are classmates. I thought maybe he'd like to be our manager. I brought it to introduce you too."

“Are you sure about that, Kuro? A deaf manager is just a hindrance to us.”

Inuoka intervened.

“Yamamoto. There ought to be a law! Is it nice to find people strange because of the traits they can't choose?"

Kuro silenced Inuoka with his hand. He was on top of his nerves. He was still trying to stay cool and calm.

"Look at me! Lucky for you she can't hear you! But I hear everything you say about her instead. Think of me as her ear and know that every word you say to her, you will say to me. So watch your step, Yamamoto. Isn't it easy to insult a deaf girl?"

Kuro was a nervous wreck. Inuoka tried to calm him down.

“Kuro-kun. OK, never mind. He was tactless.”

Kuro sighed and went to get the ball. At that moment, Yamamoto leaned over Inuoka's ear and whispered.

“Why is he so angry? Or is that deaf girl his girlfriend?”

"I don't know. But whether that girl is his girlfriend or not, what you did is really shameful, Yamamoto. Someone in your family could also be deaf. Then would you see it as a hindrance too?”

“Tch! Shut up!"

Kuro looked at you when you went to get the ball. You noticed it too. After smiling at each other, you made the sign meaning "good luck"

He also gave the "thank you" sign

At the end of practice, you walked home with Kuro. You asked him if he had finished the lyrics. He signaled that it was almost over

You came in front of your house. Before he left, Kuro signaled to you if he was available to meet you after school tomorrow. You said you were available.

He was about to say that he was going to talk to you about an important matter, but he never went into it because he knew that he would inevitably get worried.

He grinned at you and ruffled your hair. Then he wished you good night and walked away.

You got into the house. You went to your room and lay on your bed. You were in love with Kuro. You were absolutely sure of that now. Did he feel the same towards you? How could you learn this? What would he talk about when you meet tomorrow? Will she confess her love? Or would it just be a friendly meeting?

You tried not to daydream too much so as not to be disappointed. However, he didn't have it. You took your guitar and started playing that song you composed for Kuro. Even if you couldn't speak, that's how you expressed your feelings for Kuro. You were making every sound you couldn't hear by touching the strings of the guitar.

You would give anything to hear that Kuro loves you. Even if you couldn't hear it, it was important to you to know and feel it.

————————-————————-————————-

It will be continue in Part 2

[magpies4nights]

huh (Dev log # I'M ON 4?!!?!?!)

Hi guys! It’s me, @magpies4days on a different blog! That’s really the only promise I kept. Whoops. That’s why I don’t do promises. Anyways, since the last time I updated y'all, I passed all my finals and everything that was important. Yep, I passed my finals, which seems miraculous, because I accidentally studied the wrong study guide for my history exam and didn't really sleep enough the night before, and I got a 90 on it, which I'll be honest, that was the lowest grade I've ever gotten on a test in that class, but it's still an A so I won't cry about it. I turned in a really shitty essay too for one of my classes, but it seems that my professor didn’t actually read it because she gave me a 100 (ain’t gonna complain about that). I also procrastinated so hard on my graphic design final that I did it in like 3 hours and finished it 2 minutes before it was late. I still turned it in 5 minutes late because my computer decided it was funny to start acting up. Oh well, I passed that class, even for honor's standards. Normally I would be happy getting a B because I'd get a C and still celebrate but unfortunately I slayed too hard that my GPA was the minimum requirement for the Honor's organization to notice me. That's the Thinker in my Myers Briggs type showing baybee (JK JK I'm an INFP (unfortunately.)). Anyways, I’m on my winter break, and as much as I love getting breaks, god I forgot how much I hate summer and winter breaks. Summer breaks make me depressed because I have nothing to do, and winter breaks make me depressed because it’s literally the worst season of the year (cold weather (I have cold urticaria), dry air, less sun, the position of the sun is weird, and d3 barely does anything).

Anyways, onto the actual dev stuff. I probably should’ve figured this out the moment I started my idea, but I found out that to export my game to Mac, I’d have to have a developer id and pay for it. Which now I understand why most indie devs never upload to Mac. Oh well. (Fun fact: Mac actually has a feature called BootCamp which lets you portion your hard drive to allow you to have a Windows driver (Be wise on your portioning though because it’s permanent). I found this out when I was 16 and trying to download Pizza Tower demos. Totally not saying that so you could play it on your “Mac,” *wink wink*).

I had to switch my dialog stuff from a script I found on the internet, to an add-on that most Godot devs use ( Dialogic). I know. I am awful. However, there is a reason to this, and it’s entirely because I am an idiot. I have experimented with how Godot exports JSONs, and as it turns out, the images nor the audio would load! The text would, but it’s just not the same, especially when the dialog box is supposed to change with the character speaking. While it could be something in my code that is causing this to happen, or I'm forgetting to export something else while checking off all the boxes, it still gives me a headache and I decided it was for the best to switch. I may not be able to code for now, but there may be a day when I can. Hopefully. I had to change the layout of the dialog stuff because Dialogic kinda makes it like a visual novel kinda thing. I decided to torture myself and make everyone have different heights. Don't worry, everyone has relatively normal heights. Except for mayyybe Sleepy Weepy. They're like 6'2 (which may mean there's some cutoff for their sprites).

Aaaaanyways, enough about me suffering about dialog again. I’ve been working on the beginning and ending cutscene so that I can first torture everyone with 5 minutes of dialog in the beginning and then at the end music with text that may give people a hard time reading the lyrics. The animation isn’t done, but the text kinda is??? I’ll have to revise it like I have the past 56 times because my future self is hard to please, and I think everyone is out of character except Xandra.

Yeahhh, that’s about it so far. I made new music while I was being harassed with finals. Take a gander, but with your ears. Or don't, forcing you is unethical.

Top 10 Sleepy Weepy of all time!!!!! (This is doesn't even make it in the honorable mentions)

[ntzsche9]

no context spoilers

thank you for the tag @digital-chance!

rules: share something (text, photo, song lyric) that could be a spoiler for a wip but without context it’s not

I combed through for a bit of dialog from my unnamed Nuka-World fic but didn't find anything good (which means I need more foreshadowing honestly) but it also made me realize just how much this song thematically describes it by the end:

'Love Love Love' by the Mountain Goats

Raskolnikov felt sick, but he couldn't say why When he saw his face reflected in his victim's twinkling eye Some things you'll do for money and some you'll do for fun But the things you do for love are going to come back to you one by one

Gentle tags passed on to @leebrontide @elean0rarose and @eldritch-flower

[fbfh]

rocks at your window pt. 9 - ricky bowen x reader

disclaimer: this series contains smut and chapter by chapter warnings, so as with all nsfw works, ricky is aged up to 18+!! ricky and reader are 18 and in their senior year

additionally, we're working towards a ricky x therapy plot so he's going to start expressing some symptoms of mental illness and bpd but he does get therapy eventually and has a good support system but he gets worse before he gets better yk. Obviously I'm not a professional and this is for entertainment so while I have done my research pls take this with a grain of salt!! or several!! /lh

!! contains some spoilers for season 1 of hsmtmts, and previous chapters of this fic !!

wc: 9.6k

genre: angst, hurt/comfort, not really fluff but a lot of high highs and a lot of low lows

pairing: ricky bowen x (afab she/her) reader

warnings: miss jenn is a legend icon queen slay goddess (cited two times), iconic interactions between the cast, jealous ricky being a cutie, ricky and EJ are not bros yet, nini has gone from messy to borderline evil, your mom is a legend, kourtney anxiety foreshadowing, opening night/theatre vibes so strong it made me tear up a little /hj, lynne bowen is a horrible horrible toxic person!!!, todd jumpscare, ricky has a mental breakdown, EJ is trying his best but horribly misreads the situation, ricky is in a crisis, ricky bpd episode, art to cope :'), ricky has a good support system, reader is good in a crisis, nini is REALLY testing your patience, gina gets a well deserved moment to shine, terrible theatre etiquette, ricky gets emotionally ambushed, mike is a good dad, nini gets yelled at by reader (slay), reader yells at lynne (slay), reader gets slapped (in a dramatic way not a violent or sexy way), reader gets called a slut as an insult, ricky defends you, messy necessary screaming match (slay), things are said that cannot be unsaid :/

summary: opening night is just as magical and incredible as ricky hoped it would be, just as wonderful as you made it sound - until the worst case scenario comes to fruition. but the show must go on, right?

song recs: something about this night - finding neverland obc, twenty million people - my favorite year obc, opening up - waitress obc, twinkle in her eye - leann rimes, window seat - amelie obc, this is how I disappear (instrumental) - my chemical romance, un organo suona - ennio morricone, the music and the mirror - a chorus line obc, holding onto you - twenty one pilots, you oughta know - jagged little pill obc

other media: "art is not a luxury, it's sustinance" - ethan hawke ted talk clip, "and the way he sings sends a chill right through me" - lullaby for the taken lyric by kimya dawson, "what a mother does for you out of obligation vs what a mother does for you because she wants to" - text post/poem by tumblr user vympr,

a/n: fangz to cici for reading!!! I felt like my immortal chapter 6 "paragraph" 4 while writing the last part trying not to under or overuse dialog tags lmao. remember when I said it's gonna get messy? it gets worse :)

tags @yesv01 @hopefullhearts @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @afidiofobia @aliyahsutherland @pikzel @demirunner @brinaslittlefreak @girlfriendwhoseawitch @matiere-detoiles @ifilwtmfc @uselesssapphickitten @nxstalgicnxbxdy @ggclarissa @n-slayaaaaa @stormi-ames @rainforest-daisies @sunshineangel-reads

You and Ricky had been planning to get to the El Rey early on opening night since tech week, to make sure you have plenty of extra time to get ready, warm up, and get in character. Plus, you’ve been telling him how much you’ve missed just being in theaters, and near stages. The more time you’re there, the better. When you’re on the way over Ricky couldn’t shake the excitement gripping him. You can’t seem shake the feeling something was going to go wrong.

It was different from nerves, different from anxiety or worries that everyone can get before a big event. It was the same small, nudging feeling you got the night the basement flooded during your run in Matilda. It’s not as bad as it had been that time, but you take in a breath, steadying yourself and knowing you should be ready for anything. When you do, the feeling is quickly overshadowed by your excitement. You haven’t acted in far too long, and you’re ecstatic that you’ll get to perform again soon. 

Once you get to the theater, you and Ricky are the first to sign the sign in sheet. You draw a little smiley face next to his name, and when he glances back at you, eyes falling on the paper. He smiles, struck by sudden joy at the little face. He leans back over and grabs a pen, drawing a smiley next to your name on the line below. Miss Jenn glances down when he returns the pen. 

“Oh!” she exclaims, seeing the little faces, “How cute. I love this energy we’re creating.” she gestures vaguely before shooing you off to your respective dressing rooms to get ready. 

Soon everyone’s there, and you’re once again wrapped up in the familiar hustle and bustle of show nights. You and your castmates are simultaneously getting in costume, warming up, and trying to get ready while helping each other’s hair and makeup. Ashlyn and Nini join you in an impromptu karaoke session, singing your hearts out to Bop to the Top while Nina riffs and harmonizes. The boys, one or two rooms away, start singing Getcha Head in the Game at the same time. In spite of the chaotic cacophony of voices, it's both a good way to warm up, and a good outlet for the nervous energy growing, bouncing from one person to the next, turning electric. 

Kourney enters suddenly, grabbing some bobby pins.

"Do you know if you have any safety pins?" She asks.

"Uh," you pause doing your hair, tying it up into a bouncy low half updo, and fumble through your bag, "how many do you need?" 

"Two or three?" She says hopefully. No matter how many you buy, bobby pins and safety pins always seem to be in short supply at every theater you've been to. You dig around for a minute before finding them, handing them to Kourtney.

"Thank you!" She declares, "Seb's shirt just completely-"

"Has anyone seen my glasses?" Ashlyn asks, and Kourtney pauses, noticing she's not wearing them. 

"Shit," Kourtney mutters, both of you looking around for them.

"Knock knock!" Comes Seb’s voice from behind the door.

"Decent!" You and Ashlyn reply in unison. Seb enters, holding the side of his shirt together with his hands. 

"Any luck?" He asks Kourtney. 

"Right here," she replies, holding up the safety pins. "Turn around." Nina puts in her headphones and starts doing some vocal exercises and scales to warm up a little more. Seb lifts up his jacket so Kourtney can pin the ripped seam back together.

"Oh," she remembers, "have you seen Ashlyn’s glasses?"

"The really big ones?" He asks.

"Yeah."

"Nope." He shrugs. She turns to Ashlyn. 

"We'll find them." Kourtney reassures her. Seb heads back to his dressing room he shares with Ricky and EJ, and you move on to the last few steps of your makeup routine. 

"Where are they?" Ashlyn huffs rhetorically. Natalie pokes her head in a moment later. 

"40 minutes till show time!"

"Thank you 40!" The three of you reply together. A little while later, you’re finally dressed and waiting for the glue on your eyelashes to get tacky, when you hear EJ call your name. You stumble out of your dressing room, zipping up your boot, and you’re greeted with EJ in his Chad costume, clearly in a huff. 

“Can you help me with my eyeliner?” he asks, a slightly petulant tone to his voice, handing you a black pencil. You laugh. 

“Yeah, hold on.” you go back into your dressing room, passing by Seb telling Kourtney something. You dig through your makeup bag as Seb reenters, Darbus glasses in hand, presenting them to Ashlyn. 

"Where were they?" She exclaims. 

"The prop table!" He says. 

"Why?" Ash asks, stating your thoughts exactly. 

"Natalie says they're technically a prop because in the detention scene when you…" you find what you're looking for, missing the tail end of his sentence as you leave a moment later with a stiff angled brush in hand. You grab EJ and lead him to the stairs where he can sit down. He does so, and you rub the bristles against the eyeliner, demonstrating for him. 

“This will make the application a lot more precise. Close your eyes…” you instruct, tilting his head back. You smudge the outside of his lash lines, careful not to make it look like too much. 

“Okay, now this is the scary part…” you trail off, gently lifting up his eyelid. “I swear I’m not going to stab you, just look down and don’t blink.” you instruct at the worried look on his face. You tight line the middle of his lash line for a defined, natural effect, then repeat the step on the other side. 

“Okay,” you say, pulling away to check that it looks even, unaware of Ricky standing a few feet away, watching you hold EJ’s face. You look so focused, and a twinge of jealousy flashes through his stomach, wishing you were holding his face, looking focused at him like that. 

“You should be good,” you say, and Ricky approaches, dragging you away as EJ thanks you.

“I just need to borrow her for a second.” he cuts EJ off, smiling tensely at him - one he returns. Ricky takes you a few feet away while EJ goes back into their dressing room. 

“What’s up?” you ask. He lets out a breathy laugh.

“I just… I can’t figure out this whole bronzer thing.” You bite back a smile. You know that  it’s bullshit, specifically because you went through his whole stage makeup routine with him twice last night. He could do his makeup and anyone else’s with one hand tied behind his back, so he obviously just wants your attention. You can’t deny that it’s really cute - and it’s working. He’s probably nervous, you figure. You chuckle, taking the brush from him. 

“Make a fish face,” you instruct, sucking in your cheeks and puckering your lips. His face mirrors yours, and you blend the product into his foundation. Your hand rests on his jaw, angling it this way and that until you’re satisfied with your work. He glances briefly back at the stairs, where EJ has long since left. Ricky’s about to look for any other excuse to keep you here for a few more minutes, your eyes light up, remembering something.

“Oh!” you exclaim, turning around, “Stay right here.” You’re back a moment later after digging through your bag past bobby pins, safety pins, your water bottle, script, sewing kit, extra makeup, makeup wipes, bandaids, and throat lozenges. You grab a small box, holding it triumphantly before running back out to Ricky in the hall. You stand in front of him, that glimmer in your eye. 

“I have a surprise.” Excitement swirls in his chest.

“What is it?” he asks, trying to suppress the anticipatory giggle bubbling up, his energy matching yours. You hand him the small box, and he looks at it, confused. He opens it slowly, pulling out a little charm. It’s a dog tag with the number 14, and a metallic T on a jump ring.

“Oh my god…” he breathes, looking at it closer. You’re beaming, so glad that he likes it. 

“You know,” you say softly, “something to remember your first show by. And your heart ring was looking kind of lonely.” You smile, pointing to the plastic ring he still wears around his neck, waiting until the last possible minute to take it off. You barely get the words out before he grabs your arms, pulling you close and kissing you. His lips are warm as they move against yours, and for a split second, you forget where you are, completely losing context for everything around you. 

“I love-” he murmurs against your mouth, freezing for an instant. Your hearts skip a beat in tandem, then he cuts himself off to kiss you again. “I love it.” he finishes. You smile against his lips, pulling away very reluctantly. He leans back in, pressing a few more kisses to your lips before you wiggle out of his grasp. 

“Ricky!” you laugh, “We’re gonna mess up our makeup. We can kiss after the show.” He runs his fingers up and down your arms, gazing at you as you talk. You have all his attention. 

“Okay,” he says in that light hearted, joking tone of his that always makes you laugh, “but I’m gonna hold you to that.” You laugh again, and he takes off his necklace so you can slip on the new charm. After getting it fixed on the chain, you reattach it to his neck. 

At the end of the hall where you’re standing, Nina lingers, watching Ricky touch you and kiss you like that. It makes her sick, and she finds herself holding back a gag. Her hours of research had turned into days, and she has your playbill.com page open on her phone at this very moment. She’s torn, reminiscing over how much she loved your performances and how obsessed with you she was as a kid, and simultaneously fuming over it. You’ve done all this professional work, you’ve acted on Broadway, and now you’re here at East High? 

She scoffs, shaking her head in disbelief. She wanted so badly to be you, to have your perfect life, and you threw it all away for what? To come do crappy high school theatre in a town that couldn’t be further from New York? She fights a laugh suddenly, realizing just how much dirt she has on you. There must be a reason you’ve been keeping this secret, lying to everyone, lying to Ricky. She shakes her head. She doesn’t know why yet, but she’s going to find out. 

35 minutes before curtain, Miss Jenn gathers everyone for circle time, and a cast meeting to boost morale before the show. Everyone is finally in costume and Kourtney follows Seb, makeup pallet in hand, adjusting the finishing touches to the glitter on his cheeks. You can feel the energy stirring and growing, electric between all of you. 

“Most of you know that our dazzling Taylor had to leave under family circumstances. Gina sends her love and support, but has left for the east coast and will not be able to make it to tonight’s performance.” Miss Jenn says. You and Ricky share a look, trying not to be too obvious. You got Gina a plane ticket together, and your mom is at the airport right now to pick her up. The last you heard from her, Gina’s flight was delayed. Now there’s only a slim chance she’ll get here in time. You silently keep your fingers crossed, praying to whatever theatre gods are out there that she’ll make it to the theater before it's too late. 

“And so,” Miss Jenn continues, “I have asked… Kourtney to fill in, in her place!”

The room erupts into cheers. Kourtney smiles, eyes on the floor bashfully. She’s praying she doesn’t seem as nervous as she feels. It’s not that she didn’t expect you guys to be supportive of her subbing in as Taylor, but seeing first hand how excited everyone is for her eases some of the worries that have been building up. 

“Now,” Miss Jenn continues, “everyone join hands.” After some heartfelt words of encouragement and other usual circle time warm ups, she claps her hands.

“Let’s go, wildcats! 20 minutes to curtain!”

Once again, the room erupts into cheers. 

“Now, if I can get my main characters and my ensemble members starting the show with a mic on stage for mic check?” she directs, pointing towards the way to the wings. You walk with everyone else towards the stage, pausing when you pass Miss Jenn. 

“Do you want me to help Kourtney get ready?” you ask. Her hair and makeup are done, she just has to get in costume, but you can sense that she needs a pep talk. 

“That would be fantastic,” she says with a look that indicates she thinks Kourtney could use a pep talk too, “thank you, Sharpay.” She pulls out her walkie to let Big Red know you and Kourtney are going to be released from mic check early to finish getting ready. After singing We’re All In This Together while Big Red adjusts your volume from the sound booth, Kourtney sings Bop to the Top, voice getting louder and quieter as Red tweaks the settings. Once you’ve both gotten the thumbs up, you scurry backstage to your dressing room, handing her costume pieces while she gets changed. 

“Oh, wait,” you say before she pulls on her top. You grab your setting spray you use for shows from your bag. “Close your eyes.” You mist her face with the product, fanning it dry so it doesn’t smudge. 

“Thanks,” she says. You take one look at her expression, and can tell she’s nervous.  

“You okay?” You ask. She hesitates, then sighs.

“I had two weeks to learn all my lines. I had two weeks to learn all the lines and the songs, I haven’t even gotten to rehearse on stage with you guys, and I’m just so worried I’m going to blow it, or choke in front of everyone…” she trails off. This is clearly the tip of the iceberg, and she fiddles with her bracelets, trying to get out some nervous energy. 

“There is no way you’re going to choke.” you say confidently, “You know this show inside and out! Plus, haven’t you been running lines with Nini the whole time?” you ask.

“Yeah,” she replies, listening carefully, trying to grab onto your reassurance.

“Almost all of Taylor’s scenes are with Gabriella.” You state. Her expression changes as she realizes you’re right. She knows this part better than she was giving herself credit for. 

“Plus there will be scripts in the wings if you need to refresh between scenes.” 

“Yeah,” she says again, more confident this time. “I know my lines, I know the songs, I know the dances - mostly, at least - so it’s all going to be fine! Even if the choreography in Stick to the Status Quo is still totally terrifying, and I have no idea how to dance with a lunch tray or do a death wack, it’s going to be fine!” Her laughter turned from relieved to slightly panicked again. 

“You think you’re nervous for Stick to the Status Quo?” you ask rhetorically, a comedic note to your voice, “I have to get caked in the face!” You exclaim with a chuckle. You’ve only practiced with an actual cake once, during the last tech rehearsal, and it was messy, to say the least. Literally and figuratively. 

Kourtney laughs, remembering the whipped cream that got everywhere, how loud you were yelling in character before storming off. It took more makeup wipes than you'd expected to get the sticky sugar off your face. 

“We’ll get through it together.” You state, holding out your hand. She squeezes it, reassuringly.

“Yeah. We will.” 

“Five minutes to places!” Natalie calls, poking her head in. 

“Thank you five!” you both reply. You check your phone one last time, the new text from your mom stating that she’s still at the airport, waiting for Gina’s flight. You text Ricky the same thing, letting him know you’re all still waiting for more updates on the delay. The good news is that your mom’s friend from work - who was planning on coming to see the show anyway - is going to stream the show to your mom until she can get there, that way she won’t miss anything. 

It doesn’t feel like five minutes has gone by when Natalie is calling for places, ushering everybody into the wings and into their starting places and positions. Hushed whispers of encouragement and break a leg spread through the wings, and everyone falls silent as Miss Jenn begins her curtain speech. It’s unusual for a group of such high energy people to be so still, so quiet, and you soak up every moment of it. This is your favorite part - or one of them, at least; it's those few fleeting minutes when everyone’s backstage in the wings, the opening of the show is seconds away and hurdling closer and closer with every breath, every heartbeat. This is one of those magical, transformative, fleeting times that can only really be described as in between. 

You never knew just how much you would miss this, the distinct and irreplaceable energy, the feeling of being in a theater. Tears spring to your eyes as it really hits you that you’re home, back where you’ve always needed to be. You close your eyes, taking deep, measured breaths to focus, to get into that headspace of being in character. Even with your eyes closed, you can feel it around you; the rich wood and cement mixing into different sections of the floor, the heavy curtains, the grid and catwalk and lights, all intangibly high and far away. It’s beautiful. It’s so beautiful that you don’t know how your body is supposed to contain it. You know now that you could never leave, not really. Theatre will always be your home, and you know this feeling will only solidify more and more with time. You realize, too, that it’s a home that will always grow and change and evolve with you, because that’s in its eternal, fleeting nature. That’s the most beautiful part, you think.

You squeeze Seb’s hand in excitement and encouragement and every other good thing, a gesture that he returns. In spite of the silence and the stillness, you know that everyone is just as excited as you are. Ricky’s in the opposite wing, or else you’d be squeezing his hand right now too right now. You use this moment, this stillness that's growing and getting more charged with energy every second, to become laser focused on giving this performance everything you've got - on really getting your head in the game. 

Nini looks around, then over at Ricky - again. He’s been avoiding her this whole night, and she can’t stand it. She leans closer. 

“I need to talk to you. After the show.” someone shushes her, and she lowers her voice, continuing. “She’s been lying to you about everything. You don’t know everything about her, Ricky.” 

“Yes, I-” he cuts himself off, not wanting to feed into this. Not now. “I have to get into character.” He says, moving away from her. He tries to focus on the energy the cast is creating around him, on becoming Troy. He takes a breath, centering himself. 

“Without further ado, I am proud to present… East High’s High School Musical: the Musical!” Miss Jenn’s voice is drowned out by applause, and the music begins. 

The first few songs and scenes go smoothly; everyone is on time and remembering their cues, and the audience couldn’t be more engaged, applauding and laughing right when you want them to. During Jack Scott’s announcements after Darbus reveals what the winter musical is going to be, you leave to get ready for What I’ve Been Looking For. You pass by Ricky, who’s quick changing for Get’cha Head in the Game, and shoot him a big thumbs up.

“Great job!” you whisper enthusiastically, stomping your feet quietly in excitement.

“Thanks,” he smiles, beaming as he pulls on his jersey. He watches you scurry down the hall before getting nudged toward the stage right before his cue. He shakes his head, wondering why he let Nini get him so worked up before. Of course he knows you. He knows everything about you! There’s absolutely nothing on earth you could tell him that would throw him off, or scare him away from you. She’s probably just making something up to get in his head, to drive a wedge between you. That seems like something she would do lately.

“Let’s see some hustle! Move, move, move!” Coach Bolton calls from onstage, and Ricky jogs over to him, as ready as he'll ever be.

“Sorry I’m late, coach.”

As much as he doesn’t want to admit it, as much as he’s trying to stay in character and stay focused on the scene, Nini’s words are still echoing in the back of his mind, throwing him off a little. He catches his dad’s eye in the crowd as the music starts. He doesn’t think he’s ever looked this proud, and it steadies Ricky. He takes in a breath, and begins to sing. Part way through the song, he notices a woman in the crowd who looks weirdly like his mom. He doesn’t miss a beat, making sure to look in his dad’s direction instead. That’s weird, he thinks, but it can’t be her. There’s no way she’d come all the way from Chicago for something like this. Just like what Nini said to him before the show, he won’t let that distract him from performing, and tries not to let that throw him off.

During the dance break, he gets hooked up to his harness, and his stomach erupts into excited butterflies as he slowly moves up. There’s a collective gasp from the crowd that turns into cheers as he hovers in front of the hoop, ball in hand. Up here, he’s not blinded by the stage lights, and he looks down at the crowd, able to see his dad’s face even better than before. He’s filled with such euphoria, he knows you’re right - nothing can beat this feeling. He feels more alive, more awake than he ever has, simultaneously enveloped by a deep sense of peace, of rightness that he doesn’t want to let go of. 

On the other side of the auditorium, someone moves, catching his eye. Some guy is making his way into his seat, presumably because he showed up late. He leans over to his date, kissing her and touching her leg. Nothing could have prepared Ricky for what he saw when he pulled away. Past the blinding stage lights, his stomach plummets back down to earth as he’s able to make out more faces in the audience - including hers. She’s here. She’s really here, and she brought that douchebag with her. She’s whispering something in that bastard’s ear, barely five rows away from his dad. They’re all over each other, talking close and kissing and smiling. 

It’s only when she points up at him that he snaps out of it. He realizes the pit has been waitin for his cue a beat or two longer than usual, and follows up quickly with it. He had dropped his basketball when he was up there, and he’s scrambling to make it through the rest of the number. He tries desperately to get back into character, to focus on the lyrics and choreography, to focus on the music instead of what he just saw in front of him, but he can’t shake what just happened, what he just saw. Even as he’s being pulled backstage to change into the costume for his next scene, it takes all his effort not to let that overwhelm him. He can’t crumble right now, not like this. There’s a whole cast and crew, all his friends, that are counting on him. He gets some water, tries to pull himself together. 

EJ looks for Ricky backstage, having a few minutes before their next scene. Even he has to admit he was impressed with Ricky’s performance back there. He looked so conflicted, so torn between basketball and singing. He even managed to make his distracted blocking and choreography look so organic EJ was worried he’d messed up for a second. He’s been giving him a hard time, butting heads on and off stage, but Ricky is really shining tonight. He’s committed, and EJ has to commend him for that. 

“Ricky,” he says, just loudly enough to get his attention. Ricky turns around. “I have to hand it to you; you’re doing great out there, man. You deserve all the applause you’re getting.” 

Ricky takes a breath, closing his water bottle.

“Thanks.” 

He stares into space to the ceiling on EJ’s right, gripping his water bottle until his knuckles have a white cast to them. EJ’s brow furrows. He actually seems a little out of it. 

“Are you okay?” he asks carefully. They’re not really close like that, but even EJ can see that he seems a little off. 

“I’m fine,” he says a little too fast. “I am totally fine. Because it’s opening night, and nothing’s going to ruin this.” 

Suddenly it makes sense. He knows exactly what Ricky’s going through. He sighs. 

“Look, everybody gets stage fright. Just take a deep breath, and use the music and your lines to stay grounded.” He claps Ricky on the shoulder supportively.

“Thanks,” he chokes out again. EJ leaves to fix his mic tape, and Ricky is once again exactly where he doesn’t want to be - alone with his thoughts. Even though EJ has no idea of the scope of issues Ricky’s dealing with right now, his advice might still work. Instead of waiting in his dressing room, he hovers in the wings, going over the chemistry class scene as it happens, waiting for the lights to go down so he can talk to you, or at least be near you. He’s so tempted to barge onstage and drag you away with him. Instead he listens closely to your dialog with Gabriella. Just hearing your voice is enough for him to hold on to for now.

The lights go down, and you exit into the wings. You’re surprised to find Ricky there - he usually comes up about half way through Jack Scott’s narration. One look at his face and you know something’s wrong. Before you can ask, he’s pulling you into a less busy area by the prop table. 

“She’s here.” He grips your arm, hand shaking. He doesn’t need to say anything else, you already have a full grasp on the gravity of the situation, the effect this is having on him. 

“Here?” you ask, needing to clarify, and he nods. “Are you okay?” you ask sincerely.

“I’m…” he struggles for an answer, “trying to be.” You take his hands in yours so gently he doesn’t even notice until your thumbs are stroking his skin reassuringly.

“Okay,” you say calmly, and he can see the gears turning, see you figuring out the perfect solution as you speak. “Why don’t you have some water, stay right here, and I’ll go get Miss Jenn, okay?” 

He nods, and you move quickly to Natalie, asking her if she knows where Miss Jenn is. She picks up her walkie talkie, asking Miss Jenn to come to the stage right wing. Jack’s narration scene wraps up and the crew changes the set to Darbus’s detention. You have seconds before you have to get out there, and you turn to Ricky, worried about him. 

“Are you going to be okay?” you ask in a hushed whisper. 

“Yeah.” he says, “I think so.” 

You see Miss Jenn walking toward the stage right wing as you’re about to head onstage.

“We’ll talk to her right after.” you tell him in a hushed, reassuring whisper. You give his hand one more squeeze before you find your places in the dark. Moments later, the lights are up, and the scene begins. In all the time you’ve spent acting, you’ve gotten very good at staying in character, compartmentalizing thoughts and worries about your personal life while you’re onstage. You find it a little more difficult to keep the disgust at Lynne Bowen’s blatant lack of basic respect, or even awareness for the consequences of her actions, buried in the back of your mind as the scene plays out. 

Sitting on the wooden flooring of the stage, warm under the bright lights, Ricky does exactly what he’s supposed to do - he uses the scene and dialog to stay grounded. He follows the dialog while doing his stage business, listening for his cues just like Miss Jenn thought him to do. If he stays in character, he doesn’t have to think about any offstage drama. As long as he doesn’t look out to that section of seats, as long as he can keep his eyes from being magnetically drawn there, he’s going to be fine. He stays in character, stays right there as Troy, clinging to his character like a life raft. If he can be Troy, he doesn’t have to worry about everything he’s going to have to deal with as Ricky for just a few more minutes. It's desperate and fleeting, but it's the only thing he can do right now. 

Soon, the lights are down, and you’re hustling toward the stage right wing, where you know Miss Jenn is waiting. He finds your hand in the dark, the sparkly pink sequins on your outfit unmistakable even in the darkness. He holds onto you desperately, until you’re both standing in front of Miss Jenn. She knows from one look that whatever is going on, it’s bad. 

“Um," Ricky starts, swallowing hard, "my mom is here…” he hates that his voice is already trembling so soon. It sounds more like a question than a statement, and his stomach twists at how foreign the word now feels in his mouth. My mom. The last time he called her that had been months ago when he told you and Miss Jenn what had happened. Ever since he’s only referred to her through pronouns and as briefly as possible, trying to disconnect the person she is from who she was supposed to be. Who he thought she was. The closest he’s gotten to addressing her has been vague statements; she didn’t call back, or I think that was her recipe, let’s find a different one. Actually saying it, actually calling her that makes his jaw feel stiff. 

“My god.” Miss Jenn says softly, unable to believe that she could have the audacity to show up unannounced after what she put Ricky through. Ricky hesitates, and she knows there’s more. She nods, waiting for him to continue. 

“And she, uh,” he swallows thickly, hating his throat for tightening up so much when he has to sing in a few minutes, “she brought her boyfriend…” Your eyes widen and Miss Jenn gasps. 

“They’re in the sixth row, they keep talking and kissing, and-” he cuts himself off, unable to continue. His hands are balled up, tight and shaking. 

“Okay. Ricky, sweetie, why don’t we talk about this somewhere a little more private.” You both guide him to the boys’ dressing room, and after making sure no one’s in there, she sits down facing him, and takes his hands in hers. 

“From the beginning, what happened?” 

He was barely able to get it out the first time, but now he can’t stop. Everything he’s been trying so hard to ignore and shove down for the last 20 minutes - and it’s felt way longer than 20 minutes - comes tumbling out. He doesn't think he could stop talking if he tried. He doesn’t even realize how loud he’s getting until Miss Jenn gently shushes him. 

“We don’t want the audience to hear us.” he nods, taking a breath for the first time since he started talking. You left a minute ago to check on how much time you have before the next scene, and reenter the dressing room now, looking stressed. 

“They’re almost done with Auditions.” you state. You need to go up there now, you and Seb have What I’ve Been Looking For soon, and you don’t want to miss your cue. 

“Go,” she says. Ricky nods, so you do, knowing that Miss Jenn has this under control, that she can help Ricky right now. Your footsteps recede, and Ricky turns back to Miss Jenn. 

“Ricky,” she starts calmly, “what she did was wildly inappropriate.” He already feels a little better, less crazy, and he waits for her to continue. 

“Showing up unannounced with a…" she chooses her words carefully, "date, was… probably the worst thing that could have happened tonight.” 

“Yeah,” he scoffs in agreement. She continues.

“You have every right to be as upset as you are. Whatever you need right now, just tell me, okay?” He nods. “I think what we should do is get your dad, and let him know what’s going on. I can try to have one of the ushers escort her out, but I’m sure the last thing you want tonight is even more drama.” 

“Got that right,” he breathes, relieved. 

“I’m going to talk to EJ and see if he can go on as Troy-” 

“What? No.” he protests. 

“Ricky-” 

“No, Miss Jenn- I have to play Troy. Please, I have to!” 

“It might be best for you-” 

He stands up suddenly. “What’s best for me is going out there; acting and singing, like we rehearsed -  like I’m supposed to! Please, you can’t…” 

“Okay,” she says, standing up and trying to calm him down a little. “Okay. If you think you can do it, you can go back out there.” 

He relaxes a little. 

“Thank you.” his voice breaks as he speaks, and she realizes how badly he needs this right now.

“Why don’t we revisit this at intermission, see how you’re feeling then? Just to check up on you.” she adds quickly. 

“Okay.” he agrees. She puts a hand on his arm. 

“I’m going to let EJ know to get ready, just in case you change your mind. We’ve got to be ready for anything, right?” She smiles gently, one he tries to return. 

“Right,” he says. A stagehand pokes his head into the room.

“Troy, we need you.”

“Be right there,” Miss Jenn says. She claps her hand over Ricky’s one more time. “Okay, Ricky, here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to go out there and sing a ballad with Gabriella that will make the audience swoon,” he smiles, “and I am going to do my best to get this situation resolved as quickly and discreetly as possible. If anything else happens, or you need anything, come tell me right away.”

“Okay.” he says, this time, with a note of determination in his voice. Miss Jenn pats him on the back, sending him off. He runs through the halls, making it just in time. Once he’s in the wings, she pulls out her phone to text Mike, and fill him in on everything that’s going on. He enters on Gabriella’s cue, and Miss Jenn pauses, watching him deliver his lines. All the distress, all the pain melts away as he steps into character.

It’s giving him a break from everything, she thinks, it has been the whole time. Theatre isn’t just a luxury or a passion for some people, it’s a means of survival. It hits her all at once, that in staying here, in facing the challenges and struggles that came from directing this show, she’s helping Ricky through one of the hardest things he’ll ever go through. She’s become the person she needed when she was his age; with only one parent, feeling completely lost at sea. Her chest squeezes, and she watches them sing, their voices sending a chill through her. 

Backstage, in the few dark moments of the set change for Cellular Fusion, Nina somehow manages to corner you. 

“What did you do to him?” she demands, and you know she’s referring to Ricky, who exited to the other wing. You stare at her, aghast. You lean in close, lowering your voice, desperately holding on to your professionalism. 

“We have to go onstage, literally right now. I am not doing this with you right now.” 

“Huh,” she scoffs with a fake smile, “you’re one to talk.” You have approximately two seconds to look at her, baffled by everything she’s saying, before you have to go on. You enter, and hit your mark. At the cue, you and Seb begin to harmonize. Right as you do, your phone - tucked away in the wings - silently begins to buzz. Your phone lights up with a text from your mom, informing you that Gina’s flight has finally landed, and they’ll be at the theater any minute. 

You run off stage as Cellular Fusion wraps up, and Miss Jenn and Carlos are trying to figure out what to do about the Taylor dance break coming up. Kourtney has been doing great so far, but she doesn’t think she can handle choreography that complicated with so little time to rehearse.

“I could tell the pit to cut that section…” Carlos offers. You check your phone and your eyes light up, looking at the doorway. 

“Uh,” you start with a smile, “I don’t think that will be an issue…”

Miss Jenn, Carlos, and Kourtney look over at Gina, smiling timidly. 

“Oh, thank god,” Miss Jenn chokes out. She turns to Kourtney, then Gina. “You, go out there before you miss your cue. And you, quick change into something more 2006 before the dance break.”

They both agree, and a stagehand runs over with something for Gina to change into, guiding her to the dressing rooms. 

“Is he doing any better?” you ask Miss Jenn before you go on. You don’t have much time, but you need to know if he’s okay.

“A little,” she says, “I think.” You both know it’s better than nothing, and you’re just hoping whatever he’s doing keeps working. 

Stick to the Status Quo couldn’t be going any better. There’s so much happening, so much organized chaos, that he forgets about everything for a few wonderful minutes. There’s no time to think about that when he’s dancing on tables, begging his classmates not to sacrifice their individuality so they can fit in. It only gets better when you and Seb enter toward the end of the number. You look so genuinely pissed off that people are breaking free from the boxes they’ve been put in, and your voices sound perfect harmonizing together, reverberating through the auditorium.

He tries in vain to stop Zeke from giving you a cake, watching with bated breath as it smashes into your face. He turns away, just like he’s supposed to, but his eyes accidentally land on the one place in the audience he shouldn't be looking at.  His stomach plummets. Has she been on her phone this whole time? After running from everything this whole night, it finally gets the best of him. He can’t stand it any longer, running into the wings as you let out an ear shattering scream, loud enough to finally make her look up.

“Someone… is going… to pay for this!” you yell furiously, before the lights go down. The curtain draws to a close as applause thunders through the building. The lights in the house go up for intermission, and you hear a slow rise of chatter as people mill about and make conversation as you exit the stage. You grab a makeup wipe a stagehand has ready, thanking them as Natalie calls out that intermission is starting, and you have 20 minutes to places for act two.

“Thank you 20,” you call out distractedly, searching for Ricky. You run to the back, wiping the rest of the whipped cream off your face, and check the boys dressing room to see if he’s in there. He is, sitting in there by himself, seeming worse than before. One look at his face and you know something else happened.

“She was on her fucking phone the whole time!” he states in disbelief, “Like…” The words dry up as he holds a pillow in his lap in a death grip. 

“Oh my god…” you say, shaking your head. He’s not doing good, clearly. No one would be in his position. He pulls you in for a hug as soon as you’re close enough, one you reciprocate. He holds onto you tight, feeling just a little more stable as soon as you’re in his arms. Surrounded by your familiar grasp, it’s just a little easier to breathe, to think clearly. Unfortunately, it also means he has a much clearer grasp on everything that’s happened tonight and how it’s affecting him, how he feels about it. His dad is right behind you, and he lets go of you long enough to stand up and greet him. His dad pulls him into a hug, patting his back. 

“I’m so sorry, kid. I had no idea she was going to pull something like this.” Mike’s voice wavers, and when Ricky doesn’t answer, you know it’s because he’s choked up. Miss Jenn enters a moment later, walking over to Ricky and Mike. 

“The both of them have been removed from the premises.” She states. 

“Thank you,” Mike says earnestly. 

“Oh, it was nothing a little faked parking violation couldn't take care of,"  she says, earning a small smile from Mike. She turns to Ricky, continuing. “I filled you dad in on what’s been going on, too.” 

“Maybe we should just go home,” Mike offers, knowing he probably won’t want to. 

“No,” he protests, “I can do act two, I want to. Plus, if we leave now, she’ll know where we are and she’s going to ambush us again, and-” 

“The one place you’re guaranteed not to run into her is here at the theater.” you finish quietly. 

“Yeah,” Ricky agrees, motioning to you. Mike considers, weighing his options. Since she’s gone, if Ricky thinks he can handle it, he doesn’t see why he can’t do the second half of the show - especially since he seems to want to so badly. Maybe now isn’t the time to take that away from him, even if he means well.

“Okay,” he sighs. “But if anything happens, if you change your mind at all-”

“You’re the first to know.” Ricky agrees quickly. 

“I want you to stay plugged in with me, okay?” Mike says, putting a hand on his shoulder, “Text me when you’re not onstage, let me know how you’re doing.” Ricky agrees again. Miss Jenn looks between them. 

“Alright. Well, in that case, Ricky, you should get changed for act two.” She says with a tentative smile. He nods. 

“Thank you. Thank you guys.” he says sincerely to his dad and Miss Jenn. Before you leave, you catch his eye.

“I’m going to refill my water, then I’ll be back here, okay?” 

“Sounds good." He says, "Hurry back,” he adds quickly, giving you that sweet look with those big puppy dog eyes, and it makes your chest squeeze. 

“Absolutely.” you agree. 

You barely leave the dressing room before you're met with Nina. She barges forward and stands in front of you, arms crossed, and you realize she's waiting for you to move out of the way so she can get into the boys' dressing room. You don't budge. 

“I need to talk to Ricky. I heard what happened, and I'm the only one who can convince him to go on for the second act, and I don’t need you-” 

“Wow,” you begin, cutting her off, once again amazed at her audacity, “now is really not a good time. Don’t go in there and stir things up.”  

She looks you up and down, letting out an indignant scoff. 

“Don’t act like you know him like that. I’ve known him since we were in kindergarten, I know him better than anyone.” 

You take in a deep breath, trying so hard to stay patient. 

“Sure. You know him better than anyone.” you say, in a pacifying tone, “So you should know the last thing he needs is more pressure on him when he’s in the middle of a family crisis, right?” The question is rhetorical, and you continue, patience with her finally starting to run thin. “If you actually care about him, then for the sake of his well being you’ll leave him alone and let him get through this. Now is really not the time, Nina, read the goddamn room!” 

The sentence is finished with an aggravated, humorless laugh. Your priorities right now are Ricky, and getting through opening night. You need to help him process some of the shit that's been happening tonight, make sure he’s okay, so he can perform like he wants to. The last thing he needs is Nina barging in there and telling him he’s letting the cast down, or that he’s not serious about theatre, and that he should have quit after auditions - all of which you’ve heard more times than you can count over the duration of rehearsals, even up to a few days ago. 

You’ve tried so hard to be patient with her, but dear god, she’s really starting to get on your last nerve - nevermind the fact that you have a special type of hatred for the kind of people like Nina, who shit on people that are still learning about something they have more experience in; like telling someone they’re not serious about theatre because it’s their first show, for example.

“Do not fuck with him right now.” you state, rolling your eyes at her shocked expression.

You push past her, walking over to the water fountain. She watches you walk away, mouth hanging open, and lets out an indignant scoff. You swear to god, if one more thing goes wrong tonight, if one more person tries you, you’re going to absolutely lose it. You take a few deep breaths as you fill up your bottle, trying to calm down and center yourself a little. Once you’re done, you start to walk back to the dressing rooms, but you’re stopped by a woman who is definitely not cast or crew. She sees you and approaches, seeming a little pissy. 

“I’m looking for Ricky Bowen?” she states. As she speaks, your stomach drops. 

You recognize her voice from when you heard it on the phone, and from the voicemail Ricky showed you over Thanksgiving. This is Lynne Bowen. As in, the Lynne Bowen. The one that left.  The same woman who’s made such a tactless and selfish decisions over and over that have ultimately caused her son to be on the verge of a breakdown just down the hall from where you’re standing right now. 

“You are not supposed to be back here.” you state, desperately trying to figure out how to handle this. You pull out your phone and text Miss Jenn, ‘code red, really need backup’.

“Can you just tell me where Ricky Bowen is? I’m his mother.” she says it in a way immediately expects sympathy from you, sympathy she doesn’t receive. You stare at her blankly, and she continues, much less kind than she’d been pretending to be. “I need to see my son, okay? Maybe when you’re a mother someday you’ll understand-”

You’re not sure what about her, about the way she’s talking to you specifically is the last straw for you, but your patience is already running so thin it’s practically transparent. Against your better judgment, you cut her off. 

“He does not want to see you. He doesn’t want to speak to you - or be anywhere near you right now, for the record - and you need to fucking respect that, okay?” you say decisively, offense written all over her face, “And you are really not allowed to be backstage if you’re not cast or crew, which you’re clearly not-” 

“You are way out of line, young lady!” she yells, “I don’t care if he doesn’t want to talk. I’ll talk to him if I want to; I’m his mother.”  She adjusts her purse, clearly expecting you to fold, to tell her where he is. You know you should keep your mouth shut, you know you should be diplomatic and patient and professional like you always are, you should wait for Miss Jenn to handle this, but you’ve spent the past three months watching Ricky suffer because of this woman and her choices. You can’t stay quiet when the woman who hurt him is right in front of you. 

“I think you lost the right to pull that shit when you walked out the door and chose not to be in his life!” you snap, a dangerous smile on your face. The stunned look on her face is better than anything you’ve ever seen. It’s clear no one has ever tried to take her down a peg until now. 

“How dare-” 

“You gave him a free pass to hate you forever, because you’re not the parent who stayed! You didn’t try-” 

Your words lose momentum as you find yourself suddenly looking at the wall to your right, your cheek stinging. The sound of her slapping you across the face echos across the walls for a moment before fading away, and you freeze, tears prickling the corners of your eyes from shock.

“Listen here you little slut,” she says, much more ferocious than before. All facades of a concerned mother have melted away. “You have no right to talk to me like that-” 

“What the fuck?!” 

You snap out of it, and she turns around at Ricky’s voice at the end of the hall.

“Ricky, my baby,” she starts, walking toward him, but she’s thrown off at how distant he seems toward her. “I’m sorry you had to see that, this girl is so-” 

“Don’t ever talk about her like that again.” His voice is stone cold as he brushes past her, analyzing your expression closely to see if you’re alright. 

“Are you okay?” he asks, voice shaky.

“I’m fine,” you say as calmly as possible, “are you okay?” 

He’s decidedly not, but he tries to pull himself together. 

“If you are, that’s all that matters.” Behind him, growing impatient, Lynne takes a step forward.

“Ricky,” she demands. He takes a breath, and leans closer to you. 

“You should change for act two.” You look between them, wishing there was something else you could do, some way that you could make this better. You agree, stopping before you leave for your dressing room. 

“Text me if you need anything.” you say seriously, and he agrees, understanding the subtext of your words. Text you if he needs backup, or if it gets to be too much, because you’re there for him. Lynne moves toward him again. 

“Can we talk?” she says with a domineering tone to her voice, and you both know it’s not a question. You want to object, but all he wants is to get her away from you. He nods, indicating you should go, and you do - albeit, very reluctantly. He turns back to her. 

“Yeah,” he says seriously, “I think we need to.” 

She grabs his arm to lead him down another stretch of hallway, but he shakes her off immediately, walking a few feet in front of her. 

“Ricky, are you alright?” she demands, once they’re relatively out of earshot. She crosses her arms. “I was so worried about you when you ran offstage like that.” 

“I’m surprised you noticed.” he murmurs. She either ignores him or doesn’t hear. Regardless, she continues. 

“Why did you leave? Is it stage fright? Because a lot of people are counting on you, honey. You made a commitment to this-” 

“You’re one to talk about commitment,” he mutters, voice low, but loud enough to be heard. His impulse control is not at all where it should be, especially with how she just talked to you, what she called you.

“I’m sorry?” Lynne demands. She’s not used to Ricky yelling at her. She’s always had a lot of influence over him. He used to do everything she said, he’s always been such a mama’s boy until now. 

“I mean, do you ever think about anyone besides yourself?” he snaps, “Did you even care that you ruined the only thing I’ve been able to count on in my life- I can never get this night back, Lynne. And now…” he trails off, trying so hard to regulate his emotions, even though he knows he’s out of control. He takes a shaky breath, trying with everything he has inside him to reign it back in a little. 

“...Why would you bring him to the show?” 

Lynne looks stunned at his question. 

“Wh-” she starts, “This is about Todd?”

“Why would you bring him here?” He demands, repeating himself.

“I…” she struggles for an answer, “wanted him to meet you.” she infuses as much guilt into her words as she can. He should feel bad for the way he’s speaking to her. “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to throw you off.” 

It doesn’t work this time, and he refuses to back down, to fawn for her. He doesn’t buy it for a second.

“So you waited until I was suspended, mid air over a basketball hoop, for me to see you all… cozied up together? You didn’t think - not for one second - that might be just a little upsetting to me?!” 

“Ricky-”

“And what about dad, huh? How do you think he feels watching you feel each other up right in front of him?” tears brim in the corners of his eyes as everything he’s been suppressing all night, all these weeks and months finally breaks the surface. She lets out an indignant scoff and tries to say something, but he ignores her and keeps going. It’s an avalanche now, and he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. 

“He didn’t leave the couch for a week after you left!” he roars, remembering how hard it was to see his dad like that, to have to be the one to drag him out of it. 

“...I didn’t know that-”

“How could you?!” he laughs bitterly, "You weren't there!" He screams. He doesn't think it's ever felt better to say something than it does now. "You weren't there the whole time I was rehearsing, you weren't the one running lines and going over blocking, and teaching me how to listen for cues and do stage makeup and quick change! You weren't there for any of the work that went into this, and you just waltz in here with the newest guy you're screwing to your fucking son's musical like you've been here the whole time, but you havent!" He's never yelled at her like this, but a part of him thinks after how much she hurt him - and his dad - it's long overdue. "You don't get to enjoy this show, and you don't get to be around me, or dad, or anything we do because you walked out!"

"You are way out of line-" she starts, voice cracking. 

"No, you know what’s way out of line?" He demands, all too ready to throw her words back in her face. "Breaking my heart, breaking dad’s heart, then acting like everything is fine when it’s not!"

"You think I wanted to leave you?!" She screams back at him. 

"Yeah," he answers quickly, "I do, because you did! And you know what? I'm glad you left." He spits, watching the pain grow in her eyes, his words like venom. 

"All you do is hurt us." 

She blinks like she was just slapped. He takes a step forward, shaking, angry tears silently spilling from his eyes. When he speaks, his voice is low and dead serious. 

"Don't call me anymore."

Before she can say anything, he starts to walk away. She calls out to him, desperate to get the last word in, to make him know how much pain his words have caused her. 

"You are really hurting me, Ricky." She says, voice shaking as she cries, "you're breaking your mother's heart."

The sound of his mother crying like that because of something he said should have wrecked him, but he pushes away any last remaining scraps of guilt his rage hasn't burned away yet. He turns back to her, no love in his eyes, and laughs bitterly.

"Yeah, I guess it runs in the family. You know, the one thing I got from you is the ability to ruin any relationship I have, so thanks for that, mom." He spits, turning to leave. She takes a step forward. 

"Don’t you walk away from me-"

"Like mother like son, huh?" He barks. With that, he's gone. He doesn't stick around for any more of her manipulation or guilt tactics. He just really, really needs to see you right now.

[dramaism]

2020 CREATOR WRAP: FAVORITE WORKS

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome work

i was tagged by @tiesanjiao @gimme-a-chocolate and @kojiseok! thank you so much :3 sorry i’m a little bit late

this year i was giffing pretty much the same as last year. but i genuinely think that i improved a lot! i started giffing 1080p videos instead of 720p ones plus coloring and sharping differently. so here’s my top gifsets this year (in order of posting)!

~ this kdrama edition international women’s day gifset — you have no idea how much i love this! the coloring and the sharping are amazing, the quote’s wonderful and i’m so proud of myself for the text in the post because i wrote it myself. choosing scenes was so difficult but it was worth it.

~ this iotnbo gifset of episode 5 ending — this was new to me - i used 1080p video for the first time and tried new gif size. i like it very much it’s simple and wasn’t so hard to do but still it looks amazing. i can’t believe i made it.

~ this gang tae protecting mun yeong gifset —  A COMPILATION!!! okay you don’t know about this but I LOVE compilation gifsets! literally every time i manage to make a good compilation gifset i’m on the cloud nine. and this is one of those gifsets. i actually think it’s one of the best compilation gifsets i’ve ever done. it’s just p-e-r-f-e-c-t from head to toe.

~ this 5 stages of loving you gifset — i’ve always seen this quote everywhere like literally in every fandom so i wanted to make gifset with this quote myself. and i finally did it! i redacted a lot of original but i still love it so much. the scenes chosen? perfect. i especially love the 5th gif!!!

~ this gifset of our favorite family from iotnbo — i love it mostly because of the coloring! it was so hard to choose how to color this but i’m glad that i decided to do this green color i think it looks amazing!

~ this couple quotes gifset — usually when the drama is over i make a big gifset wit a lot of small gifs and quotes (like this and this) but this time i tried different format focusing on the faces and dialogs and i like it so much more! 

~ this *aesthetic* gifset of totnt — because of this drama i made my first attempt in aesthetic gifsets! this one i like the most.

~ this gifset of brothers in totnt — i don’t know why i love this that much but i think the coloring is gorgeous plus their acting is amazing and it makes this gifset much more likable. plus it’s the first time i started to use this orange unusual color on the text on gifs.

~ this 18 again gifset — my favorite this year!!! i used the ost’s lyrics and managed to create this feeling of sadness with this gifset. the scenes chosen for this are perfect. and the parallels? THE BEST QUOTE GIFSET I EVER DONE. like, literally. 

~ this *let’s go pumpkin* gifset — i love all my the uncanny counter gifsets but i’m choosing this one because she called him pumpkin and he’s the cutest here!

~ this true beauty gifset — i love everything about this. this was my first time sharpening not in the pc and it turned out amazing. also the coloring is one of my favorites.

~ this ju kyung and seo jun’s never ending bickering gifset — again, a compilation gifset. at first i didn’t like it but now i love it! i probably didn’t like it because i spent a lot of time and nerves to make this but it’s actually pretty good. i managed to put the whole scene in just two gifs, i’m proud of this.

wow the post is so long i’m so sorry and thank you if you read it ‘till the end.

tagging (i tried to tag people that weren’t tagged before, if you’ve done this already i’m sorry): @kimjisooos @moonlightsdream @dohyunsoo @junghaesin @chaeunwoo @dingyuxi @ryn-s

ofc there’s no pressure! and everybody if you see this and want to do this go ahead and tag me in your post, i want to see your fav works!

[warriorsredux]

Do you still have the raw scraps, the scribbled notes, the heap of text documents, the outlines, the early drafts, the character/setting/narrative/whatever sketches you made when planning the Redux? If you do, can we have a look at them? I wanna see how Master Dullard does it.

Regrettably, all of that is on my old computer, and that bastard is not inclined to charge to let me get a hold of that stuff again. There are a couple sketches in an old sketchbook, but I have no idea which one (I have many old ones hurriedly shoved into a drawer so I can pretend they don’t exist). I faintly remember some things, and I’ll throw them here:

There were SO MANY documents trying to keep track of everyone’s personalities and roles in the story. Somehow I knew which ones were which. This is remarkable solely because I did not name a single document anything useful. 

Seriously, all the documents were random keysmashes, jokes, single words or lyrics, none of which had anything to do with their content. I always do this. I don’t know why. It’s not helpful. 

There were also documents dedicated solely to quotes and snippets of writing I wanted to eventually use in the story. Bluestar snapping at Darkstripe was written and rewritten several times because I wanted to get it just right, but it was in my head since the very first arc. Other ones were the first impressions of Scourge (noting his strange, jerky way of moving and unsettling stare among other things), several jokes and bits of banter between characters, and so on. I like to write down dialog when I have it in my head so I can perfect it over time. As a result, when the time comes to post it in the actual story, it’s as good as it can be. 

One bit of dialog that never got in that I did want to use was something along the lines of “We- we are bound by StarClan to-” “Damn all of StarClan”. This was meant to be with Fireheart and Bluestar, and was inspired by a near identical exchange in Vattu (which you all should read, by the way). I liked the idea of peppering in swears where effective, but I never really went down that road. Which I feel like I should have done? Oh well. Don’t matter now!

I had a sprite sheet of pixelated cats with the names of ThunderClan’s members. This was my initial way of trying to keep track of the bloodlines - the sprites would be connected to each other with lines. It was theoretically easier, but it just got overwhelming, so eventually I just used the sprites for my own reference of color. I did eventually get help with the familial ties, which... thank fucking God for that. Jesus. Those who helped me with genetics, colors and families, you are godsends. You know who you are.

One look through a random plot document would make it very clear that I have a very loose concept of “sticking to the script”. That is, I would write down how something happens, leave it, rewrite it because I forgot that version existed, combine the two or edit them haphazardly, then expand way over what I needed during the actual process of storytelling. For example, say a conversation was supposed to happen that would give plot relevant news, then we would move on to another event. I would end up writing that conversation with so many sidetracks and banter for the sake of it (casual banter is one of my favorite things within a narrative - it’s largely why I love ROTTMNT and Pulp Fiction so much) that the conversation would take over half of the chapter. This happened on so many occasions I cannot possibly list them all. You might as well count every single chapter I ever wrote for this fucking thing!

A lot of the worldbuilding given in response to asks was made up almost entirely on the spot. I had the answers in my head without my knowledge - they’d just come to me naturally when questioned, even though I hadn’t considered that part of the world - but that doesn’t detract from the fact that I was improvising quite a bit with a lot of the Redux. A lot. Most of it was improv. Is that apparent on a lookback?

That’s another thing - I didn’t write down a lot of the worldbuilding. Appearances, cultures, funerals, language stuff, a lot of it I developed it as I wrote the Amendment posts. I had vague ideas and notes in my sketchbook, but the specifics were made as I typed on the keyboard. That’s kind of how I roll with worldbuilding. It’s not a good idea. I’m amazed I didn’t contradict myself too hardcore in this universe.

That’s all I can think of for now. If you have specific questions, it might dredge up the memories and I can give a proper response, haha!

[diarrheaofthekeyboard]

Run From Me

4.27.21

It’s been a rough day. 

My old guitarist had been courting me for a few months to see if I wanted to play again. I’ve been hesitant because I feel like singing in person in a pandemic might not be the thing I want to do right now. But I do want to play and we’ve been sending musical ideas back and forth. I got my second Rona shot on Friday (that’s a different story) and the plan was to get some material so when we could meet in person, we had some momentum. 

About a month ago, a friend who has made a name for himself in San Francisco in a variety of fields, mentioned he wanted to offer bass lessons. We’ve known each other for 20 years and we’re friends, but not super close. Last time I saw him was actually in my town when we ran into each other at a minor league baseball game. Neither of us knew the other would be there. 

So I mentioned what I was kinda looking for in bass lessons. I had started talking with my old guitarist and I felt like bass lessons would kickstart the recording and arranging efforts I had been putting off. I could play bass in our new project like I did in the last band. But with that comes kind of a “life coach” scenario. I’m using bass as context to attack anxiety and depression head on. I don’t think I’m a good bassist, and I commit a lot of the mortal sins of playing it like a guitar. And being familiar with each other for a rather lengthy period of time meant I felt like we could have those conversations. He agreed, so we started on bass lessons. 

My bass of choice is a prototype for the SIGNATURE Mike Watt bass by Reverend. I bought it in 2014 and it’s really the perfect bass for me. Looks like an SG, has a short scale, Precision pickup, Danelectro/Silvertone redburst paintjob. It’s fantastic. I play with a pick because I’m more comfortable with it. 

Yes, everything about the above paragraph details the mortal sins in the world of bass. You play with your fingers because that’s what upright bassists did when they converted to electric. You play a 34” scale bass because that’s the length of the original Fender basses in the 50s. The first bassists to play short scale basses were Paul McCartney and Jack Bruce. Icons of rock music. And both used a pick too. Guitarists and bassists say “oh they’re allowed, you’re not them. Be my preconceived notion instead.”

After playing guitar for nearly 30 years, playing bass in 2 of my last 4 bands, and in my ongoing effort to silence Mr. Inner Critic, I’m taking this head on. He doesn’t care, he’s been playing for 40 years and yeah, play with a pick, play whatever you want. It doesn’t matter, nobody cares, and I’m playing my own material. Some jerkoff is gonna come up to me at a gig and say “real bassists slap the bass you suck”? And I’m gonna care about that? Really? 

So a lot of what we do in our lesson is really more like gruntwork therapy, within the context of bass. Yes, it’s ok that I play this way. There are no rules for the instrument. Preconceived notions are my own and they don’t matter. And within this context we’ve worked on some stuff I’ve written and some stuff the guitarist has written that I’ve rearranged. Last night, I listened to all of my phone recording guitar riffs and started lining them up to be re-recorded and arranged into our upcoming duo format. 

Then today I get a text from the guitarist saying he’s gotta work on himself and playing in a new project just isn’t in the cards right now. I get it. He works nights, that’s grueling, and he doesn’t have the bandwidth. But Mr. Inner Critic is off to the races. “Yeah, you suck. He hates you. You’re a loser who can’t keep a band together and this kinda shit only happens to you.” BLAH BLAH BLAH you get the idea. 

Bass friend said two things to me yesterday in our lesson that I’m trying to work on this week. First, stop making arbitrary rules for myself and just play. Second, one thing about bass is it’s a doubling instrument. Yes, it’s good to start finding my own voice now, but let’s not get too caught up in the weeds because I’m just making demos and getting ideas together and they’re going to change as lyrics and vocals and arrangements come into play. 

In addition to bass lessons, at the beginning of this month I also called Kaiser and got a new therapy intake. Turns out Kaiser doesn’t do individual therapy. So I still have to find my own therapist that takes insurance. But they do work with a virtual group who has a 9 week program I can start with. I had my intake with that group a couple of weeks ago and we were supposed to start last Friday. Unfortunately, the therapist was late to the intake and then didn’t show up for our first session. So I called the office and got reassigned. My first session is this Friday. 

Taking all of that into consideration, my goal is to write and record 3 songs with vocals, guitar, and bass in the 9 weeks of therapy. Learning how to program drums is not in my plans right now. That’s like phase 3 or 4. These things will give me plenty to do. Especially since I really only have an hour or two a night, if that. It’s the draining emotionality and anxiety of that process a therapist can help me with. 

What it all comes down to is accepting me for who I am with my voice and kicking the inner dialog to the curb. I feel like I’ve made some slow and steady progress, partially through this writing effort. Time to kick it up a notch. I might be ready for that.

[norepangproject]

#1 Jonghyun and the art of storytelling

I waited a very long time before starting The Norepang Project. The main reason for my delay was that I wanted to begin writing about the perfect topic. Unfortunately, I simply couldn't figure out such a theme could be. And then, suddenly, came Spring. April is a special time of the year for me and thousands of other K-Pop stans in the world. This is the moment when we can cheerfully remember and honor one of the most talented and creative artists this industry ever had. This month is not about feeling blue or melancholic, it is about caring and cherishing his work, the other Shinee members, our fellow Shawols and our own love for him.

So, even though the 8th of April has come and gone, I decided to begin the TNP by digging in every single Jonghyun solo album. I am not talking about discussing his title tracks or B-Sides. What I intend to do is to read every single one of them as a book. Better, as a story. A story, Jonghyun, the poet, is telling us.

Our journey begins with Base*. Like most of Jjong's tales, this is one about love. But it may just be a little more poetic and less obvious than it appears at first sight. A man meets a woman, and he is rather taken aback by how attracted by her he is. Moreover, the temptation she presents is so strong that, even though she doesn't appear to correspond to his feelings, at least not on a deep emotional level, he can't help himself but pursue her. Or yet, as he seems to believe at the time, to fall into her trap. Truthfully, part of the reason why he likes her so much is that their feelings for each are unbalanced. He knows it. He enjoys it. He isn't blaming or shaming her for it, unlike his friends.

"They tell me not to get close to you, even your attractive eyes

“See, she targeted him again”

They say I’ll get hurt if I give her all my heart

The funny thing is, the pathetic thing is

Even when you’re being cunning

You’re so attractive, it’s so fatal"

- Crazy (Guilty Pleasure)

Because his desire is too big to contain, he runs after her. During this chase, his admiration for her grows deeper and deeper.

You give me greater

feelings than awe (feel so good)

You make me sing as if I’m praying

Singing hallelujah,

you got me singing hallelujah

The day I saw you for the first time

I probably used up all the luck in my life

But it’s worth it. You’re amazing, what to do with you?

-Hallelujah

And their time together is bright and sweet. It's a darling night under the moonlight. These are moments he keeps coming back to during the day, they are the source of his newfound joy.

Let’s get up now, why is it so sad?

We’ve been saying the same things for the past 30 minutes

I can’t hold your hand,

let go of your hand or hug you

So I’m only looking at your pretty eyes,

nose and red cheeks and lips

- Beautiful Tonight

But something is strange though. It is as if, under the stars' gaze, he is finally able to unravel her true self. A person she constantly tries to hide from the outside world with a cold mask. But this truer self is even brighter, is neon. She opens up a whole new set of colors for him to paint his life with.

"Don’t try to hide, I’m scared of your cold eyes

I saw the light that is you, who can’t be caught

Don’t let go of my hand

When morning comes,

when I meet someone, I feel it

The color of the world without you is boring

Even without lights, you shine even brighter

Even without lights, you shine brighter than anyone else

Show me today, show me your real face

She is a NEON, shine your light"

- Neon

However, simultaneously, he begins to be burdened by his circumstances. It's a paradoxical sensation: he enjoys their push-and-pull dynamic, the "danger" inherent to it, he can't even imagine being without her... but he seems frustrated.

"I knew I would get hurt if I touched you but I denied it

And I squeeze you even tighter

Both sides of the blade dig into me

I try to cut you out but I can take this much

I’m already disinfecting my weakened min with alcohol

Because the sin is so much sweeter than its consequences

It was already too late to stop

I’m falling deeper"

- Crazy (Guilty Pleasure)

And is due to this emotional unease felt by the narrator, that we reach the climax of the tale. These lovers to-be have a dialog. A dissonant duet, so intimate that it resonates like whispers in our ears. Love Belt is about two people opening up about their fears concerning love and a relationship. On one hand, they are scared together: about the external judgment, about the intensity and speed of these feelings. They wish to hold tight and protect one another. On the other hand, each one of them has their own concerns. This why here we are able to listen to two different voices. He is desperate and anxious: the yearning to fulfill his desires, the terrible sensation that she might slip through his fingers. She is fearful and insecure: about diving into the unknown (the dark night, the deep sea...), about the intensity of his sentiments.

"When you’re feeling frustrated

And want to get away

When you’re feeling nervous for no reason

We know, since we were born,

I feel you, propose a toast (cheers)

You don’t say it but I feel it, just like twins

I pretend to not care but I’m scared,

Hold me tight when I tremble

Because of my selfishness, I always hurt you but

Forgive me, I’m sorry"

- Love Belt

For me, the most beautiful aspect of this song is that, even though it's supposedly a dialog of lovers in despair, terribly needing each other's protection, the melody is soothing and intimate. At first sight, however, what might appears contradictory is natural: they need to open up and talk about their differing perspectives, but they are already in love. Furthermore, is if he already sensed the source of her insecurities. Jonghyun, through his lyrics, indicates that she is hiding her true self from the world, afraid of being exposed, almost as if she believes to be undeserving of affection. The narrator tries to sue her concerns.

I lack nothing when I have you by my side

I can do everything,

I can shine on my own

Don’t leave me alone in the dark night

Don’t go anywhere by yourself,

you know (You know what I’m saying)

Even without lights, you shine brightly

Even without lights, you dazzlingly shine

Show me today, show me your real face

(show me the real you)

She is a NEON, shine your light

- Neon

Jonghyun tries to soothe ours: You deserve love too. You have to love yourself.

Somehow the first track of the album, Deja-boo already outlines this whole plot. There is one-side love, growing affection, deep desire, and a promise of protection.

"Stay, Oh It’s a deja vu

Oh deja vu, I saw you before, yeah you saw me right?

I’m not like the others

I won’t make you cry and leave like him"

- Déjà Boo

I like to believe, that since Deja-boo is so upbeat and sensual and, like Fortune Cookie is about intertwining destinies, they lived happily ever after.

**** SO I HAVE TALKED ABOUT MONODRAMA BUT THE TEXT IS TOO LONG. PROMISE TO DO SO SOON.

Oh, please check out THE NOREPANG PROJECT Twitter, Instagram and Cronogram 

[broadwayyaddict]

So Will I

quick lil a/n: sooo this is a song fic but the lyrics are in the dialog so whatever's italicized is part of the lyrics

Jasmine was pacing back and forth, one of her hands in her hair. "I completely fucked up that audition, this is just such a big role and it would help me so much," she ranted.

"Jas, stop," Anthony said, taking her hands in his own. "You've been freaking out all day baby. You need to calm down."

"I can't," she said, looking up at him, her eyes going wide. "What if I go crazy?"

He chuckled, kissing her forehead. "That ain't gonna happen," he responded, pulling her into a tight hug.

"I just feel like I'm failing at this. What if I get lost?" she said, laying her head on his chest.

"You'll just find your way back," he told her.

"I know you think that, but I feel like I can't. This was just such an amazing opportunity. What if I don't catch the dreams that I've been out there chasing? What if when my fears show up I'm too afraid to face them?" she mumbled.

He sighed. "Well I can't fight your battles, but I sure can hold your hand and promise you," he started.

"Promise me what?" she asked, looking up.

"That the sky will still be up there and the sun will always shine. The stars will keep on fallin' for the ones who wish at night. The mountains won't start moving and the rivers won't run dry. The world will always be there and so will I," he told her.

Tears welled up in her eyes and she buried her face in his chest. "I love you so much," she mumbled.

He rested his hand on the back of her head, kissing her forehead. "I love you too," he whispered.

A few weeks later she entered their living room with a million thoughts running through her mind.

"Anthony" She said quietly, making him look up. "I got the part."

"Oh my god, that's amazing baby girl!" he responded, standing. "I'm so proud of you!" The look on her face confused him. "Are you okay?"

"We're gonna have to do long distance for a while," she told him, looking down. "What if things start changing?"

"We'll be changing with 'em. We'll just sing a different melody and dance a different rhythm," he said.

"I just don't know if I'll be able to do this. What if I give up?" She mumbled.

Anthony stared at her in shock before answering, "That's one thing I'll never let you do."

"Ever?" she asked.

"Ever. Remember what I promised you a few weeks back?" He responded.

"Yeah, kind of," she said, her smile returning.

He gently started swaying back and forth with her. "That the sky will still be up there and the sun will always shine. The stars will keep fallin' for the ones who wish at night. The mountains won't start moving and the rivers won't run dry. The world will always be there and so will I."

He pressed his lips to her forehead, gently rubbing her back.

A month later they were standing in the airport, hugging each other tightly and saying their final goodbyes.

"Call me when you get there, okay?" he said.

"Okay," she responded.

"And Jas, remember, if you need something you can always call or text me. I don't care if it's 3 in the morning, contact me if you need something," he reminded her.

"I will Anthony," she said. "I love you."

He pressed a short kiss to her lips before returning the phrase. "I love you too."

Jasmine arrived at her hotel a few hours later and unpacked all her things so she wouldn't have to do it later. As she grabbed the last thing, a folded piece of paper fell out. Confused, she picked it up and slowly unfolded it. The words written on it brought tears to her eyes.

Even if the sky is fallin' and the sun don't want to shine. If the stars we used to wish on disappear into the night. Well, I can move a mountain, but only by your side. Just say you'll always be there. (I know you'll always be there)

And so will I.

So Will I by Ben Platt

[precuredaily]

Precure Day 140

Episode: Futari wa Precure Splash Star 42 - “Welcome Back! Michiru and Kaoru!” Date watched: 3 July 2019 Original air date: 3 December 2006 Screenshots: https://imgur.com/a/xgCNJSJ Project info and master list of posts: http://tinyurl.com/PCDabout

The title kinda spoiled it

Another excellent episode! We left off with Saki and Mai in a bind because the Fairy Carafe was stolen and Dark Fall’s agents were revived and now more resistant to Precure’s attacks. Dark Fall holds all the cards and Saki and Mai are stranded in the Land of Fountains. It’s a good setup! Where do we go from here?

The Plot

Princess Filia reveals to the girls that the Fountain of the Sun is in the Land of Greenery and uses her own power to transport the girls, their fairies, and herself there... but she loses her corporeal form and ends up as a sphere of light that possesses Korone, Saki’s cat. Meanwhile in Dark Fall, Gohyaan has revived the rest of the generals, but Akudaikaan chews him out for not kidnapping the Princess when he had the chance, as she knows the location of the Fountain of the Sun, so Gohyaan dispatches Karehaan and Dorodoron to track her down.

This is the only time all 6 of these characters are together

Back at the Sky Tree, Filia explains that she needs the Fairy Carafe to return her body, but the villains appear before she can tell the girls more. Saki and Mai transform into Bloom and Egret but their power isn’t enough to defeat the enhanced warriors. Filia pointedly comments that the two spirits (Flappi and Choppi) alone aren’t enough, so she, Korone, Moop, and Foop gather their power and wish for a miracle. In a very emotional sequence, they connect with the slumbering Michiru and Kaoru, who receive the last remaining energy from the Fairy Carafe, and then revive and rush to the Sky Tree to save their friends. It’s a touching reunion, and some words are exchanged between both the sisters and their friends, as well as the villains who were eliminated before they changed sides. Ultimately, words aren’t enough, and Michiru and Kaoru fight Dorodorn and Karehaan.... and they’re winning! The power that Moop and Foop especially lent them, combined with their powers of darkness, are the perfect counter to the blend of dark and light that the villains possess, and the sisters are able to negate Gohyaan’s powerup (Dorodoron flees instead). This allows the Precures to perform Spiral Heart Splash and destroy Karehaan, who dissolves into a bunch of mini-Gohyaan heads that bounce off.

The four girls finally have a moment to take in their reunion, and Saki and Mai cry tears of happiness as the camera zooms out and the credits roll.

(speaking of the credits, stick around at the end for my take on Ganbalance de Dance finally)

The Analysis

What a great episode. I could probably write pages about Michiru and Kaoru’s revival scene, the dialog and music and visuals all come together to make an emotionally powerful sequence. Bloom and Egret are overpowered, Michi and Kao feel so helpless and they can’t move, but they can tell their friends are in danger and they struggle their hardest, so their feelings connect with the energy Filia is trying to send and create a miracle. I love it. Also, you can really tell that Nishio Daisuke worked on Dragon Ball prior to this series because the sequence of the two powering up and emerging from the water is EXTREMELY evocative of something DBZ would do. Joke’s on me, he only worked on FW and MH and had no hand in this series, he was tapped for Powerpuff Girls Z instead. Still very Dragon Ball, I wouldn’t be surprised of some of the other staff had their hands in that before working on this.

Karehaan proves to be his own worst enemy. He doesn’t like working together, believing he’s strong enough on his own to dispatch the girls. He does make a better team with Dorodoron than with Moerumba though, as they don’t butt heads so much as Doro just kind of goes along with that Karecchi says, until it’s in his best interests to run. However, Karehaan’s arrogance and ignorance about Michiru and Kaoru’s betrayal allow him to overestimate himself and the threat the sisters pose. Together with Dorodoron, they actually do have the Precures on the ropes at one point, they could have defeated them there, but they hesitated too long and allowed the Kiryuus to save them. Ah well.

Princess Filia posessing Korone is..... weird, to say the least. For some unexplained reason, beyond simply habitating in his body, her power allows him to speak as well, independently of her, so you have this tiny cat talking in a pretty deep voice. Not the first time an animated cat has talked, of course, but since it’s not Filia speaking through Korone, it’s odd. I don’t remember how long this lasts, presumably up until the finale of the show... in fact I must have blocked it out of my memory completely because I forgot about it happening at all. Korone was portrayed as an intelligent cat up to this point, of course, but now he’s standing on his hind legs and talking like a middle-aged guy and it’s all so strange.

Last thing I want to touch on: animation. It’s uh.... not great here. Close-ups are passable, although the shading is often minimal. The faces may be a little off-model but it’s nothing extreme. Anything further out than a close-up is pretty bad though, especially for human faces.

I guess it’s the usual conserving budget for the finale syndrome but it’s still pretty laughable.

The Opening and Ending

Okay it’s time I finally talked about these.

The opening theme is called “Makasete★Splash���Star★” or “Leave it to Us★Splash☆Star★”. While the FW/MH opening was a drama, the SS opening is more of a poppy, light rock number. The composition features lots of strings, bowed and plucked at key moments providing both the melody and the bass line. Some high brass comes in here and there and I think there’s some kind of synthesized percussion providing the rhythm. It could be an electric guitar, though, I’m having trouble picking it out. There’s definitely some guitar towards the climax of the song. Mayumi Gojo has been swapped out for Uchiaye Yuka on vocals, and she sings about how there’s strength in life and to use that as inspiration. All together, it’s a nice uplifting tune, and the visuals give us a good idea about what Saki and Mai are interested in, the fairies, and some action sequences. There’s even a scene of the Tree of Life glowing with energy that might be foreshadowing the end of the series? For the revamped intro starting with episode 31, they add a few scenes of Bright and Windy, as well as Moop and Foop, and impressively they edited all shots of Boom and Egret to replace the Mix Communes with the Crystal Communes.

Now, the ending!

“Ganbalance de Dance” is a little bit notorious for being used, and reused, and re-reused. Yes 5 and GoGo both used reversions of it for their second ending themes, and I kind of get it, because it’s a cute tune, but there’s another more important aspect: this is the first dance ending in all of Precure. Why a dance ending? Well, there was a rather popular anime that aired in Spring of 2006 that featured a dance ending, and the world would never be the same. That show was “The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi” and the dance, the “Hare Hare Yukai” took the world by storm. It’s speculated that Precure adopting dance endings was a copycat move. The timing lines up, Haruhi started in April and ended in early July of that year so Toei had time to say “Hey this is really popular, let’s do that in our show.” Dance endings were already commonplace in the contemporary Super Sentai shows as well, so there was precedent. (although somewhat ironically, the Sentai of that year didn’t have a dance) Whatever the reason, they did it again and again but the cell animation was not always the best, so they switched to CG with Fresh and never looked back. However, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

The lyrics to “Ganbalance de Dance” are half instructions for doing the dance, and half general uplifting messages about positivity and believing in yourself. The dance itself is fairly simple, due to limited animation most of the movement is in the upper body, so the girls twist their torsos and extend their arms while keeping their legs mostly still. when they move their legs, it’s only to stick them out and then back in, or to do some small marching. None of the more energetic moving around that later shows will use, again, probably a byproduct of the animation. Notably, since it’s cell animation rather than more expensive CG, they draw the girls in all three of their outfits: school uniform, Bloom/Egret, and Bright/Windy. The villains also dance a little, and I should point out that the text behind them reads “Uzaina” with only one “a” at the end. Suffice to say, I understand but I’m sticking with two. Also look at these guys.

Kintolesky is not present because he hadn’t been introduced in the show yet, and sadly they never update it to include him. This also marked the first reappearance of Michiru and Kaoru, only to segue into a shot of Bright and Windy and then they’re never seen again, but hey, it’s something.

Anyway, it all comes together to make a fun ending song. I’m sorry it took me so long to write about it.

I may revisit this if I think of more things to say about the episode, but for now I think that concludes it. Next time, everybody celebrates Michiru and Kaoru’s return....... but first it’s time for We Are Splash Gays: The Movie. Look forward to it!

Pink Precure Catchphrase Count: 0 Zekkouchou Nari!

No more miracle drop count

[asena-graywolf]

Click here for previous part

Italic texts mean “sign language” dialogs and “texting”

————————————————————————————————————————

Unfaithful II

Kuro had practiced quite a bit in sign language in front of the mirror for his speech to you.

She had worked long and hard on how to express that she had finished the song she had prepared for your duet, and that she would always like to sing with you from now on.

The lyrics he made up for the song were actually describing his love for you. Even though you may never hear this song, he wanted more than anything to sing it for you.

Chaine-des-coeurs… you were expressing your feelings that you could not express by speaking to Kuro at that moment, by playing that song with your guitar.

That song you never heard while playing, every time you touched your strings, you had your love for Kuro. You were touching the strings of your guitar as if you were touching Kuro's heart.

You were so excited to spend time after school tomorrow. There was also a music lesson tomorrow. You could also talk about a duet with Kuro.

Kuro volleyball team brought the subject to you while texting in Whatsapp group

"Guys, don't you think we need a manager?"

Yamamoto was the first to answer this question.

“If you're going to bring up that deaf girl again, don't even go there. That girl is just trouble for us. Lemme tell you"

“Y/n may be deaf, we may have difficulty communicating with her, but do you think the whole problem is communicating? She is a good girl and I think she will help us a lot.

I gonna talk with Nekomata coach for this”

“I don't think the coach would take kindly to this situation. We don't have any issues with y/n, we would like to have a manager, but…sorry but Yamamoto is right Kuro,” replied Yaku

“Even though, i gonna talk with him. Let Nekomata coach and y/n decide for the best”

Kuro knew you could be a good manager and wouldn't see your hearing impairment as an obstacle. He believed in you and had full confidence in you

The next day, in music class, you saw Kuro talking to the teacher while you continued to play your guitar in a corner. When he came back to you, you asked him what he was talking to the teacher in sign language.

Kuro replied to you by writing on a piece of paper

I talked to you about the duet we wanted to do. We can give a little concert together. It would be a great activity for other students in the school as well. I want everyone to see your skill

You took out your notebook and wrote the answer to him.

Really? Oh Kuro-kun! You are so sweet. So what did the teacher say?

He wrote it back and showed you

The teacher also supports us. He will set the day for us and let us know. He asked us to find a few songs to sing. Let's work hard together for our concert y/n-chan. I'm sure we will do a great job

You replied by writing it back in your notebook

I believe we can succeed. Did you finish the lyrics of the song?

He showed you the answer he wrote

Yes. It's a special cut for us. I think we should play it as the final cut. We'll meet at the exit. i show you

You wrote your answer on paper

I wonder what you have wrotten.

I'm excited already. Also do you know? My doctor hearing aid. He said I can use it. My father also ordered the best device from abroad. Coming soon and I can hear you lip-reading

Kuro was overjoyed at this news. The possibility that you could hear him, even as a hum, excited him.

You both met after school. Kuro bought you your favorite strawberry sandwich from the grocery store. After getting yourself a snack with two drinks, you went to a place where you can talk comfortably. A place that can be considered a rural area was suitable for you

You started eating the snacks you bought at the grocery store. You thanked him for getting it in sign language.

After eating your meal, Kuro came to the issue he wanted to talk about. He took the piece of paper with the lyrics he finished from his bag and handed it to you.

Look at it. How many nights did I spend on this? How do you think it happened? he said to you in sign language

You studied the words and even though you understood what he really wanted to tell you, you still wanted to hear it clearly from him.

Words…I can't believe it. You wrote it perfectly, Kuro-kun. You're almost like a songwriter

So who made me a songwriter? Or rather, my inspiration?

The gestures he made with his hands while talking to you had changed the rhythm of his heart. Your heart almost stopped with excitement. Your palms were starting to sweat. You felt your face flushing hot.

Why?

My feelings for you are written in that song y/n. I've wanted to tell you for a long time. I thought day and night about how I can express this to you in the most correct way. I finally gathered my courage. i love you y/n

Kuro's sign language rehearsals in front of the mirror had worked. You couldn't remember ever being this happy in your life. While your heart was beating and the feeling of happiness was rushing to all your veins, you couldn't stop a few drops of tears flowing from your eyes.

Kuro's face suddenly changed when he saw you cry

What happened? Why are you crying? Did I say something wrong?

Ever since you were little, you hadn't dared to open your mouth and say a word. Because whenever you talked, you could see people laughing at you. You thought the way he spoke sounded strange to them because he couldn't hear his own voice. Since then, instead of speaking, you have decided to express yourself either in sign language or by writing in a notebook.

"No…! I love you too"

Hearing his voice for the first time, Kuro froze as if he had seen a ghost. But the fact that you said it out loud to him made him fall in love with you even more. Because you showed the courage that every deaf person could not show.

I can't believe y/n! You spoke

You're back in sign language

I guess people find it awkward when I talk. Whenever I spoke they would laugh at me. But because I thought you wouldn't judge me, I wanted to say it out loud.

Kuro took your hand, your fingers intertwined with his. He brought his hand to his lips and placed a kiss on it.

Then you took out the notebook. You were too lazy to express what you were about to say in sign language.

My mother took me to the doctor when I was 5 months old. Worried about the abnormally insensitive formation. So much so that I did not respond to any sound. The doctor did a few tests on me and unfortunately that's when they learned the bitter truth. I had permanent hearing loss due to the medication given to me when I was born. That's how I accepted myself and I'm happy with my life. Being deaf is part of who I am. Although it was difficult, I managed to make peace with him. I have never rebelled. I guess now I'm rewarded for making peace with myself. Because now i have you

Kuro turned the page of your notebook. He gently took the pen from her hand and wrote down his answer.

I will be your ear. I will hear everything you cannot hear, every sound. I will listen to all the songs for you. I'll sing the songs you can't sing, I'll sing the lyrics you can't hear. Now you can hear

You were very impressed with your words. You hugged him tight. You rested your head on his chest. Kuro was stunned for a moment, but he wrapped his arms around you tightly. He put his chin on your head. When you felt his warm breath on the top of your head, you knew you were inhaling the scent of your hair. And you inhaled her scent down his neck. It smelled of fresh mint.

You stayed like that for a while. Later, Kuro talked about being a manager for the volleyball team.

The volleyball team needs a manager. And I thought you might be the best fit. We asked many people but no one cared. I will also talk to the coach. If it's okay with you, come be our manager.

But Kuro…I am not a manager to you, but a hindrance. How good can a deaf manager be?

You don't need to understand or hear us. I'll teach you what to do. I think you can learn in a short time. After the training, we will rehearse our songs together with you. What about?

I dunno…

You think. I'll talk to the coach about it tomorrow. i will let you know

But what if I'm ridiculed of your teammates? What if they make fun of me

If they do something like that, i would mess them up. Okay? don't worry.

Alright. Lemme think then

After having your first moments as lovers, Kuro dropped you off at home. He kissed your forehead and nose as he said goodbye to you.

He waited at the door until she saw him enter the house, and then he with a big grin, walked towards the house.

—————————————————————————

It will be continue Part 3

[franken-fan]

wanna tell us more about steven? i know the basics and i'm trying to do researches in details about his story in every album he's part of but i can't seem to find much :/

If this isn’t what you were looking for let me know! I can talk endlessly about this character!

I looked back at my first Steven info-dump and I already kind of did an album to album analysis (though it was very brief), but I guess I’ll go into more specific detail for each album and do a character study of sorts.

In brief, Steven is a recurring character created by Alice Cooper who is featured across many albums, some comics, and a full stage show. He is the main character of the concept album Welcome to My Nightmare, which is Cooper’s first solo album. Steven is essentially a personification of everyone’s child-like curiosity and sense of fear, in the form of a seven year old boy.

This is quite…..long. So I’m going to throw it under the cut. I’ve covered every piece of media that I can think of that Steven appears in. Not many pictures this time, but I’ve provided links where appropriate.

It should first be noted that there isn’t a ton of official, specific lore written about Steven. Everything comes from the albums, and as is with music, very open to interpretation (so my opinions are definitely not to be taken as fact). Cooper is a big fan of Kurt Vonnegut, and is often quoted as saying that the inspiration for a fluid, recurring character came from Vonnegut’s Kilgore Trout, who is similarly featured or mentioned in several of Vonnegut’s novels. Here is a link to a video of Cooper’s own take on Steven.

Summary: Steven is a man who experiences violent night terrors, and due to traumatic childhood experiences, spends much of his life stuck in the mindset of a young boy (approximately 7 or 8 years old). Most of his story is told through his nightmares, which are written out over the course of 4 concept albums, in which he is usually seen fighting against the devil. In a single track on the Hey Stoopid album, it is confirmed that Steven is in some sort of psychiatric care facility, and has been there for a majority of his life. Along Came a Spider follows the story of a serial killer named Spider, where Steven is specifically named in the epilogue at the end of the last song. It is stated that he has been in this hospital for 28 years, which means that Spider is another nightmare album. Steven faces his death in Nightmare 2, and is “officially” killed off at the end of the album. Steven is depicted as a very innocent, naive person who has a very black and white sense of morality (much like a child), but is still quite mischievous. It is clear that his abusive past has haunted him through the course of his whole life. He is a very dynamic character, and Cooper has put a lot of effort into developing him throughout his career, Despite his “death” at the end of Nightmare 2, I don’t entirely believe that he is done with the character either.

Welcome to My Nightmare (Album, Tour, Movie): The original Nightmare album follows Steven on a guided tour through Hell. In the album, the character Alice Cooper serves as Steven’s guide, while Vincent Price is featured as the Devil himself. The first half of the album occurs in Hell, where songs like Welcome to My Nightmare and Devil’s Food set up the premise of the tour. The album continues to progress through various scenes in Hell, very similar to circles of Hell as seen in Dante’s Inferno. The album itself does not really feature Steven’s own reactions to these songs, but in the accompanying television special, “The Nightmare” (which has finally been remastered in ridiculous HD and released on DVD after literal decades of it being impossible to find), has some small quips of Steven dialog, especially in the Devil’s Food and Black Widow scenes; he is simultaneously very timid and also not afraid to mock the Devil to his face in his own home. He is curious about everything that he is seeing, but seems to immediately regret almost all of his decisions. It isn’t until Years Ago that the album takes a more real turn, in which it starts to be suggested that Steven might not actually be the little boy he is written out to be. The song suggests that Steven is grown man who is mentally stuck in his childhood for some reason or another (this reason isn’t even explored in this album), but who has very little control over which version of Steven he is at any given time. The transition into the song Steven is amazing (and can only be truly appreciated on vinyl), and once more brings out more of Steven’s true character. From this song (and I say this hesitantly), he appears to suffer from some sort of psychosis, and has a very lose grip on reality; this idea isn’t touched upon more until Hey Stoopid, and the “calling” that he hears in Steven is likely the voice of his wife trying to wake him up, as he hurts her in his sleep (because of the night terror he is experiencing, a realization that he has in The Awakening and then tries to run away from in Escape). There are two main ways in which you can view the progression of the first half of the album: as either each song representing some sin that Steven is witnessing in Hell, or as each song representing some repressed part of Steven is experiencing (in his sleep or in his past, that’s up to you). Cold Ethyl is, ehm, questionable….in it’s true meaning to the character. I personally take it in the alcoholism interpretation rather than the necrophilia one. Only Women Bleed is a commentary on abuse, where I see it more as Steven’s personal stance and understanding, but Along Came a Spider most definitely skews this.

Alice Cooper Goes to Hell: This album is a direct follow-up to the Nightmare, in which Steven is once again stuck in Hell/his dreams. There isn’t a terrible amount of character development in the album itself, the album focuses more on the character of Alice than Steven. The dust sleeve included with the original vinyl release (and I believe the re-release too, I’m not sure though as I have a pretty decent original and didn’t feel like upgrading) has a little story printed on either side as a beginning and end to the album, which implies that in this nightmare, Steven is sent back into the Hell of the first Nightmare in order to go save Alice from his place in Hell (this is also touched upon in the title track of Dragontown). The exact wording in the text is that Steven must “free” Alice, and essentially take his place in the nightmare. This would explain why Steven goes from being an innocent, child-like character to becoming so malicious in subsequent albums, because it isn’t really Steven, at least mentally (and the Alice character has always been written as a villain). Whether this is a truly paranormal event or a psychological one is up for debate, and truly depends on how you personally view the character. This wasn’t a hugely successful album either, and is by no means his strongest one. I Never Cry, Wish You Were Here, and I’m Always Chasing Rainbows are my personal favorite tracks, and are honestly the most Steven-y, along with Wake Me Gently, in which Steven is once again struggling to wake up. The title could be a throwback to The Awakening, where Steven can’t be snapped out of his nightmares quickly without negative results, but the lyrics themselves show that Steven is drifting away from himself and he can’t control it, which would confirm the theory that Alice is taking over.

Hey Stoopid: So the only song on this album that directly relates to Steven is (my personal favorite) Wind-Up Toy, which is the final track on the album. This is the first time Steven is mention in over 15 years (since Goes to Hell), and he comes back in one hell of a track. In the song, Steven is in a hospital, grown up but clearly still stuck in his childlike state. He’s been abandoned by his parents and it is suggested that he is at the full mercy of the hospital staff, which he seems to claim as being anything but helpful. It is also suggested that he ended up here after being caught from escaping at the end of Welcome to My Nightmare (so then Goes to Hell is likely also a product of whatever drugged up stupor he’s been in), as seen in the line, “Preacher crucifies me, Warden wants to fry me,” so he’s clearly been caught for something that would warrant a potential death sentence. The lines, “I was never young, never just a little boy,” also confirms that Steven, at least in the course of the time frame in which Alice writes him, was never as young as the first half of Nightmare would have us believe. Steven’s name is also explicitly stated in the last couple seconds of the song, albeit quietly. In live performances of this song, he brings real life to Steven, and I am eternally hoping that he will bring this song back to touring. If you really wanted to stretch, you could argue that the rest of, or at least a majority of, the album could also be about Steven in some capacity (namely Might as Well Be on Mars and Die for You), but again that’s a stretch and not really worth going into more detail with.  

The Last Temptation: This is another concept album, which was accompanied by a comic book of the same name written by Neil Gaiman. The general plot follows the story of a boy named Steven as he is tempted by a character named The Showman (who is depicted physically as Alice Cooper) to join his traveling show. It plays on the themes of dystopian America and the issues of morality. I do not personally see this album as a development of the Steven seen in the other albums, but more of a spin-off. It honestly isn’t too far off from the original Nightmare. Stolen Prayer is basically a Steven soliloquy about his moral dilemma in regards to joining The Showman, and realizing how twisted his show really is, which is very similar to Steven fighting with the Devil in the Nightmare albums. In Unholy War, Steven decides against The Showman’s offer. In this song you can start to tell that The Showman is another Devil character. Lullaby is a killer track, though. It’s a direct conversation between The Showman and Steven, and is the best link to the original Steven character out of the whole album. This entity (The Showman or Devil or what have you) is turning on Steven now that it has realized that he’s a lost cause, and Steven admits that up until this point he has truly been deceived by this being. The voice acting in this track is incredible, and I think is just as strong as the original Steven song. The last track, Cleansed by Fire, shows Steven casting out The Showman (and confirms him as a fallen angel/the Devil by referring to him as “a fallen star”), but there are also a couple hints that could potentially link it to Along Came a Spider. Steven still questions what happens to him if he falls into the trap, but explicitly declares his victory over The Showman. One of the things that The Showman offers Steven is eternal life, and later in the song there is the passage, “What about death? What about sin? What about that web you’re trying to spin?” Now, there is a 14 year gap between The Last Temptation and Along Came a Spider, but Steven’s uncertainty in his own future after encountering The Showman could mean that Steven wasn’t as successful in his moral battle, and would directly link this album to the rest. The comic follows the same plot as the album, and the artwork is really gorgeous.

Along Came a Spider: This album is one of my all time favorites, and I wish he’d ended up doing the sequel he planned (it was to be called The Night Shift and I’m still mad it was never made, and am forever hoping that he’ll one day release some demos off of it). Along Came a Spider is about a serial killer known as ‘Spider,’ who wraps his victims in silk after stealing one of their legs. He claims that he has to do this to build his own spider, and thus needs eight victims to complete the task. He is a stalker, using this method to learn everything he can about his victims before using this info to make a quick seduction and then kill (as told in I’m Hungry and (In Touch With) Your Feminine Side). There are some slight hints at potential cannibalism (in I’m Hungry, obviously, and Catch Me If You Can with, “She was not the first and she won’t be my last, my hunger and my thirst”), though I’ve always taken these references less in the literal sense and more in the “hunger” equals “strong/insatiable desire” sort of way. Through the course of Feminine Side and Killed By Love (and INCREDIBLE ballad by The Coop), Spider falls in love with his final victim and struggles to come to terms with the “fact” that he must kill her. He lets her go after much internal debate (The One That Got Away), and starts to come to terms, or more so realization, with all of the horrible things he’s done. I Am the Spider/Epilogue is Spider’s confession and he’s not humble about what he’s done. The plot twist comes in the epilogue portion, in which Spider says, “We’ve been in this cell for 28 years, Steven. We couldn’t have done all those horrible things” (a part that had me screaming the first time I listened to it). There are a couple of interpretations that I’ve come up with on this point. The first is that this whole Spider scenario is another one of Steven’s violent nightmares, and all of these events have occurred solely in his head. After all, if Steven really has been hospitalized since before Wind-Up Toy, then he really couldn’t have been out there doing these things. The second (that I don’t like as much, due to the extremely negative implications of it), is that Steven and Spider are in fact the same person, in which case Steven either escaped or was released from wherever he was is Wind-Up Toy, committed the crimes chronicled by the album, and was then arrested as Spider. The re-release of the album features two bonus tracks (three, if you count the “acoustic” version of Salvation) which flesh out Spider as a character a bit more. Shadow of Yourself is Spider admiring his creation, and is basically a love song to his murder plot. I’ll Still Be There is another stalker song, though the way it’s written makes it sound like a letter he’d send to the woman he let go. Both tracks are absolutely phenomenal, and I honestly wish they’d been released on the original album because they are very, very strong.

Welcome 2 My Nightmare: This album is a direct follow-up to the original Nightmare, it can be looked at as if none of the albums between Nightmare and Nightmare 2 exist, or as a continuation of the Steven developed in those albums. This is also the last canonical appearance of Steven in the albums (though I always hope that he will pop up in the next album). The album opens with another powerhouse of a ballad, I Am Made of You (don’t be turned off by the auto-tune, this is one of his best songs), though who it is about, we just don’t know. He’s obviously fallen in love with someone and grown as a person because of it, possibly even out of his seemingly permanent child-state as this song boasts of a much more mature Steven, mentally and emotionally. However, he’s beginning to spiral again, and viciously fighting sleep in Caffeine. He knows what’s coming for him if he sleeps (“Because I know inside, if I close my eyes, it’ll be the death of me.”), and the line, “I’m shaking in the ice cold shower, I’ve been here for about a week,” suggests that Steven has been released from (or escaped from) the hospital he’s been in for so many years. He loses his battle with sleep and is brought back into the original Nightmare with the throwback track The Nightmare Returns. Now, Steven travels back through his Hell, but with little to no fear. This is another Dante-esque album, where the tracks The Runaway Train through Ghouls Gone Wild are another tour of the different rooms of Hell (featuring Rob Zombie as “The Guide” in The Congregation and Kesha as another incarnation of the Devil in What Baby Wants). This album also gives us a look into the event that likely caused Steven’s psychological trauma with the song When Hell Comes Home, which is about Steven’s father and some serious, serious abuse (the specifics of the abuse are not stated, but it’s definitely physical in the very least). This is not so much part of the nightmare as it is a memory. The tone and lyrics of the song are incredibly dark, and while the song is about one night in particular, it not so subtly hints that this is not an isolated event. Steven’s mother is in denial of anything that is happening, both to herself and to Steven, and this is what gets her killed. After the solo, the father’s enraged voice can be heard bellowing Steven’s name while Steven quietly chants, “no.” Clearly Steven is aware of what is about to transpire, because he says that this time he’s ready for him, and that he plans on fighting back (if not also killing his father). In I Gotta Get Outta Here, Steven recaps his nightmare for the album, and then realizes that he doesn’t get to wake up from this one, though he doesn’t want to accept that yet. The song ends a a sort of cliffhanger, as the last track is just an orchestra medley of both Nightmares. There are many bonus track associated with this album (spread out over many different editions). The two most important are Under the Bed which is an old school, scaredy-cat Steven track about a monster under the bed, and Flatline. Flatline is three minutes of ambient noise and a heart rate monitor. The monitor flatlines at the 46 second mark and then holds the tone until the end of the track. 12 seconds to the end, a voice calls out Steven’s name (Someone trying to wake him up? Or someone calling to him in Hell?), This track confirms that Steven is dead. Flatline was only released on the vinyl version of the album, but thanks to the vinyl purists of the world, someone took the time to convert the track to digital, which can be heard here.

Other: I personally feel like Paranormal from the album Paranormal is a Steven track. It’s a song from the point of view of someone beyond the grave comforting a loved one. Steven dies at the end of Nightmare 2 and has two ballads (I Am Made of You and Something to Remember Me By) on that same album. There is clearly an unnamed love interest for the character which would count as “unfinished business” for his soul. He also led a very troubled existence, so it wouldn’t be too far of a jump to assume that even though he died, his ghost remained behind (going by the stereotypical explanation for ghosts). Also, in Goes to Hell, Steven is contacted by Alice during the night (as seen in the sleeve text), and is tasked with going to save Alice by taking his place, who’s to say that Steven didn’t have to die to do this? In which case, the paranormal events of the song would be Steven following in the footsteps of Alice.