#no amount of explaining is gonna justify it to them but that’s not really my problem lol

[raddest-laddest]

u can’t pull up on me with surprise plans and then act offended when i don’t wanna go like,,,

[maeamian]

Saw a post claiming that the Biden memes on here are why Joe Biden is generally not getting as much criticism as he probably should for the bad parts of his agenda, and some offense, but it really seems to me like that doesn't pass the sniff test at all and maybe if you believe this you need to go log off and get some outside air.

[theweirdwideweb]

I reported my boss to HR for discrimination last week. Please tell me if I'm crazy.

My old boss got promoted so around October I got a new supervisor. We've been coworkers for about 5 years and had a friendly relationship. I'd been to her house, met her kids, we chit chatted a lot. When she started approving my time cards she noticed I was using about 3-5 hours of PTO per week at random times. I explained this was an informal arrangement I had with my previous supervisor due to my disability. I have C-PTSD and ADHD which honestly make it difficult to get through the day pretty much every day. Sometimes I need more breaks and if I'm using my PTO and being honest, who cares right? Well the new supervisor cared. She told me that if I couldn't be a full time employee they couldn't justify our headcount and my job was on the line unless I made this a formal arrangement. I was really hurt but I did it, I got all the doctors notes together and figured--while I'm formalizing it, I actually do need extra therapy so I'm gonna make my FMLA (family medical leave act) time include these sessions.

All this is approved obviously because one thing I'm not is self diagnosed. I've got medical records a mile high. So starting in January this official leave time goes into effect and I can use up to 7 hours of PTO per week. Before all this began my supervisor consistently praised me as a "rockstar" employee, saying I was the only person on the team who truly follows the rules. In general I was thought of as an excellent worker and had received a promotion. The team that I lead smashed our goals for 2023. But, strangely, once I start the FMLA my supervisor begins complaining about my lack of productivity. I kept a spreadsheet as a tool for my ADHD where I tracked how I was spending my time so I volunteered to let her see it so she could figure it out. Instead of sending the spreadsheet tracking my work in 5 minute increments once or twice, this woman has had me sending it every week for the past 7 months. Every Monday we have our 1:1 and she lets me know how poorly I'm doing. She also sends me an email on Mondays where she counts every email I have in my inbox, every claim I have across multiple programs, every minute of meetings I have scheduled and sends me the amount of time she expects it to take and if I don't make it then we have to talk about my "problems".

Now I'm practically never making it. I've appealed to her and to her boss so many times that there is something wrong with this formula they've come up with to calculate my workload--and they both just think I'm lying. Long story short in May I started measuring my time not on the spreadsheet but by the individual tasks in the email and not only am I keeping up, but there's a full 5-6 hours of work every week that she hasn't been counting (including 3 hours talking on the phone---with her!). I bring this up at our 1:1 in late May and say, See there really is something wrong with your measurement. I'm right on track productivity wise with these tasks. She doesn't acknowledge at all the flaw I've found in her formula but DOES say, "I do think there's been an improvement in your productivity and I expect it will continue to improve as you get more therapy." Full on MASK OFF. So my "productivity issues" are improved by therapy, meaning she's been ascribing those issues to my disability. Incredible.

I go to HR the next day to have this interaction on the record. First time I've gone to HR about anything ever. They are so concerned that they are going to launch an investigation and I tearfully plead with them not to because my boss's boss is out on medical leave and I don't want to cause huge problems while she's away and can't moderate. I didn't realize it would automatically cause an investigation to report this. The lady takes pity on me and says they won't investigate for now.

The VERY NEXT DAY my supervisor tells us in a team meeting (other people there to witness) that she's got a funny story about her son. It's some innocent story about how he's grounded and can't go to a party, but she continues on by talking about how she has to be extra strict with him because he has ADHD. If she doesn't enforce consequences, he'll never learn! And he has to learn because when he grows up his boss isn't going to take his ADHD as an excuse. "Policies are policies" she said, "Your boss isn't going to accept an answer like I know I was supposed to do four things but I only got to three because...." She even went further talking about how he's having trouble learning to drive because of his ADHD and just laughing about it. When he has to do something, she says, she has to remind him multiple times and set timers and double check with him otherwise he'll forget.

So I'm fucking flabbergasted at this point, right? This whole time I've been feeling like this time tracking is discriminatory and here she is just spelling it out for me in neon letters: YES, IT ACTUALLY IS. So I'm biding my time until her boss gets back from medical leave. But after 3 weeks of showing her that her method is flawed she tells me I don't have to do the spreadsheet anymore. Her boss is back but cancelled our first meeting, so I figure: If the bullshit stops, for the sake of my career and mental health I'm gonna let this go. My supervisor goes on vacation for 2 weeks. I'm doing my work exactly as I want to without the added pressure and everything is going great.

Once she gets back though we have our 1:1 and she asks me where my emails were on the 2 past Fridays telling her if I got all my work done. Which she never asked me to do, btw. Reader---I mcfreakin lost it. I belligerently asked why this was still necessary, that I felt picked on and bullied, that she isn't doing this to anyone else on the team, and that I'm sick and tired of constantly being demoralized by her leadership. I told her that I was going to talk to her boss directly about this situation. She was pissed. She actually unfriended me on facebook which for middle aged women is like throwing a grenade.

Next day I talk to her boss. I bring my evidence because of course I've been taking notes. The situation is serious. HR has become involved. And just because there are anti-retaliatory rules for reporting protected concerns doesn't actually protect me from getting fired. Suddenly I'm fearful about everything. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job and my health insurance, bye bye therapy,, bye bye surgery I need. I've been at this job 6 years and the animosity is at an all time high. Christ almighty.

[fernsnailz]

take this ask as a free ticket to freely hate on elemental (WE SUPPORT THE HATER GRIND WOOO)

ok so to preface. i have only seen elemental once. it was in theaters. i did NOT pay money to see it (my friend worked at the theater and we got in for free). we also saw it in 3D (would not recommend). i chugged a canned margarita beforehand (WOULD NOT RECOMMEND). i sobered up halfway through the movie and had a terrible time. needless to say i am not a fan of elemental (2023)

below is an edited version of the review/rant i sent to the group chat afterwards. BE WARNED IT'S REALLY LONG.

much later edit: personally i think i did a very bad job of critiquing this movie in this ask, and some of the opinions i expressed below are some pretty bad faith takes. i still think this movie is worthy of criticism, but not in this form and not from a guy who chugged a margarita before seeing it.

ok so the big point of discussion with elemental i've seen is usually around the allegory it uses to portray its themes of race, immigration, and prejudice. generally speaking, it's my opinion that trying to portray concepts of this weight and depth with an allegory or metaphor is already a terrible idea*. this isn't stuff that you can make simpler to understand by portraying minorities as fire people or predator animals or whatever great new idea disney is cooking up next, because this isn't stuff that can just be MADE simpler. if anything, allegory makes discussion about race more complicated because you have to explore why racism and prejudice, an inherently illogical belief, exists within said allegorical world. usually said fictional explanation just seems to justify prejudice - for example, the allegory in zootopia is straight up DANGEROUS to compare to real world racism because predators, aka zootopia's minorities, literally used to hunt and eat prey animals (the majority). with this in mind, elemental is already off to a bad start since disney has a bad history with allegories of this kind.

(*EDIT: this is gonna eat me alive if i don't clarify this because i realized too late that i spoke WAY too generally here. to clarify, i'm mostly talking about creating an entire allegorical world that lacks humans here - allegory can be a very powerful way to portray a human experience, and i don't want it to seem like i'm arguing that allegory and metaphor can't be used at all to create a powerful story about race and prejudice. for example, here's a short film that i really like called OverWeight. it's about losing one's culture and identity, and that theme is explored entirely through a bag of luggage. and it's really good! just want to clarify that i'm not advocating for only extreme realism and a lack of magic here, but instead against using huge, non-human allegorical worlds that replace these human experiences. thx bye)

thankfully, elemental never got as bad a zootopia in its portrayal of prejudice (at least in my opinion), but that's not saying much. it mostly just feels kinda confused - as far as i know, fire people are supposed to serve as a sort of "immigrant everyman" allegory which is. not how that works. immigrants of different races and ethnicities are going to have different struggles and experiences, and trying to boil everything down into four different elements that fit every kind of person under an allegorical umbrella is over complicating everything again through a veil of simplicity. it's almost like all of this would be fixed if they just told a story about real human people instead of turning them into water and fire people but i mean WHAT DO I FUCKING KNOW!!!!

oh also the worldbuilding of elemental is. kinda ass. to further explain: fire people are the only immigrant characters really explored in depth, and a good amount of the worldbuilding around them is actually pretty interesting. they have their own language that the characters speak every now and then, they have their own foods, customs, and culture that you can definitely tell a decent amount of thought was put into. which i liked! and then you learn that the country they come from is literally called Fire Land. just Fire Land. i doubled over when they said that because compared to everything else, it’s so out of left field and just. GAHH. it really reeks of "exec in the disney board room wanted to make part of the movie about prejudice easier to understand for The Kiddies" and i hate it. god.

this is consistent throughout the film, a lot of genuinely interesting worldbuilding is intermingled with surface level, bottom of the barrel ideas that just feel. so confusing. like a big theme the movie centers around is gentrification and how the city (called “Element City,” by the way (SCREAMS)) is not built with fire people in mind. i like this concept a lot and they show this in some interesting ways! a main conflict centers about how water is flooding ember's home, and there are multiple moments where high-action scenes are revolved around ember just navigating the city and trying to avoid water, something that most of the city’s residents wouldn’t have issue with. i thought that was really good! it was something that, surprisingly, was very relatable! and then the movie goes full zootopia and just like. has one of the characters call the fire girl a slur (the slur was “fireball”) which, reasonably makes ember mad, but then the character that did the slurring faces NO narrative repercussions for her actions because. ???????????????? i don't know??? you would think that a movie that turns issues of class and race into a fun cutesy little allegory would at least take the time to go "hey kids! let's not call minorities slurs" but instead the Slur Woman ends up helping ember and wade on their shitty little romantic sidequest and never once seems to express any remorse. cool! great!!!! WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS???????

by the way who fucking wrote this who put all these element puns in here. there are so many element puns in the movie i want to eat the writers of elemental. i’m mostly made of carbon but i do not walk around like “wow what a long workday we have fellow coworkers, i guess we have to CARBON diem, amirite?” please kill me

the varying quality in the worldbuilding and allegory of elemental just goes to show that this movie would have likely worked better if it focused on humans on earth rather than elements residing in a confusing elemental world - previous pixar works like bao and turning red show that pixar movies that focus on real experiences told from a human perspective with a magical realism twist can work really well! the allegory of elemental makes its characters and experiences feel distant, i spent more time trying to understand the world of the movie than the characters and their struggle. that could be a me problem, but the world was so goddamn broken in the first place that i felt like i COULDN’T focus on anything else. idk can we just tell like actual stories about actual marginalized people without turning them into The Trope of the Week i’m so tired

and by the way. i do not like the character designs in this movie one bit. ember looks like if you asked a middle schooler to design a fire woman. "ohhhhh we're pixar and we have to give all of our woman characters a pencil thin waist and big feminine eyes and skinny little legs" i want to explode.

ok we're getting into just batshit insane rant territory here now. so with that in mind I FUCKING HATE WADE. from the moment he appeared on that screen i knew i had it out for that motherfucker. the first thing he does is start crying over a situation that HE CAN SOLVE. he’s a city inspector that gets caught in the flood overtaking ember’s home, and the FIRST thing he does is start writing up violations he sees in the basement of ember’s family home. and then. he has the audacity to CRY ABOUT IT because it’s sooooooo tragic that her dad’s shop is going to be shut down because of HIM. the movie frames the water people as overly emotional because they cry alot (because they’re made out of water, of course!!! isn't that so funny!!!!!!!), but wade’s actions make it clear that those tears are FAKE because he does NOTHING to help ember in the first scene they meet. then, only after ember explains to him that there’s LITERALLY NO OTHER WAY her family can survive if the shop is shut down, does wade agree to help her out. kill me

oh btw wade being very emotional and crying a lot is NOT a bad thing and imo most modern stories need more emotional male characters. but. elemental treats wade's crying mostly as a running gag more than anything. which just kinda doubles around to being misogynistic again

wade continues to be a fucking nuisance to my psyche, even after leaving that theater. i did not enjoy the romance between ember and wade because i hated 50% of that duo. ember was ok i liked her enough bUT I WANTED TO KILL WADE. they try to spin him like “ohhhhh hes a little bit clumsy and goofy and a little bit dorky ahah don’t you like him?” as if that doesn’t describe most of the male love interests in every movie released after 1990. the two sit on a beach where ember is on the verge of a meltdown because they haven’t been able to save her dad’s shop, and one of the things wade says to comfort her is “i think you’re beautiful like this tho uwu” HUH????????? who tf is trying to make moves while someone is having an anxiety attack i SWEAR to god. i want to use wade as bong water i hate him so much

and then. ember gives him some glass that she sculpted to look like a flower she likes. it’s a nice sculpture. later in the movie, wade is like “hey ember i have something for you” and then just. gives her the sculpture back. and they treat it like he gave her a gift of his own like bro SHE gave that to YOU WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT????

the one act wade does for ember before the big climax revolves around taking her to see some underwater flowers - it’s a nice sequence, but it’s not a gift that’s exclusively from him. they have to get the cloud lady that called ember a slur to help make an underwater bubble to contain ember. fucking. come ONNNNN

wade dies in the climax of the movie. straight up he evaporates from heat and they’re like “awww he’s gone :(“ and they manage to bring him back but i really wish he stayed dead. would have been worth it if he died. but no. there's so. many weird little things in this movie that make my blood run a little too hot. can the genre of kindergarten racism movies please stop here. i am begging i can't do this again please

completely forgot to mention this at the beginning: my friends and i refer to elemental as "The Movie of All Time" because the concept of "element people" or general element-based characters is such a common story trope within young animators and storytellers (at least in our experiences). the number of pitches we've seen about "this character is made of water/has water abilities and this one's made of fire/has fire abilities and they need to find a way to work together/it's a love story!!!" is uncountable. we could not believe this movie was a real pixar production when it was first announced we thought it was a joke

in conclusion. i wish i had another canned margarita halfway through elemental. might have been bearable that way

[not-poignant]

wait okay so now that you're seriously thinking of publishing, will you be writing a new prequel to game theory with the new 'Canon'? like the story as it's meant to have happened between gwyn, augus, terho and the nightingale, or are we just starting from game theory?

ALSO I'm so glad that you might be publishing the ftv soon for wholly selfish reasons -- you're clearly done writing about these characters, but personally I am nowhere near done reading about them, and I'm definitely not creative enough to write fanfiction myself either, so I'm just stuck rotating the characters inside my head like a microwave😭😭 it's really tough out here!!!

imagine the massive wave of new readers and the new community that's gonna come in once the story's more accessible... IT'S SO EXCITING

Hi anon!

No prequel, I'll be starting with Game Theory (and Deeper into the Woods will be published afterwards as a prequel, just as it was chronologically in general!)

Quite a bit of Game Theory is being edited and new content being added (anyone on the Gary & Efnisien tier can already see about 2,000 words of new content in the first three chapters alone, including new scene/s with Crielle), and some content being removed where it's OOC. The events with Terho and the Nightingale will be explained in Game Theory, with Gwyn likely meeting with Terho (or learning about him) a few times within.

As for Fae Tales, you know, it's nice to think there will be some new readers, and there might be like a handful or two, but there will be no massive wave. It is the least popular thing I've written in proportion to the amount of time I've put into it. Even the AUs have all generally done better proportionately.

It's one of the reasons I've never rushed to publish, honestly. It's a lot of work to put into something that you know will never financially justify itself. To the point where I think other projects are far more viable financially (Underline the Rainbow as a series I actually think would be great, because new, meaty omegaverse has a very intense (though small) fanbase and I think that series would bring more people in).

There would be no massive wave of new readers. I think we'd be lucky to see at most about 10 or 20 new folks, and I'll cherish everyone, but I'm also pretty realistic. More people find all my other works these days than Fae Tales, The Ice Plague is still one of the worst performing things I've written in proportion to length + time + work investment (despite being one of my favourite series out of anything I've written).

I think I'm realistic, and I also think there's a chance that the Fae Tales Verse if published could draw some haters. Most people don't want that level of BDSM in their epic fantasy, unless it's much lighter 'romantasy,' which Fae Tales definitely isn't. There's even a chance I might get my KDP author account suspended because of breaching content TOS/violations.

So yeah, it's a risk, but I'll take it. It's just not a risk I'm prioritising right now, because I can't see a way that the Fae Tales Verse will ever really go that far. Hand on heart, way more people who come over from my fanfiction find Falling Falling Stars and Underline and almost no one (with maybe a few exceptions - I love y'all) goes into the canon these days unless they're older / long-time readers.

[doraambrose]

When it comes to the Victim Blaming Grief coping one of the big things that makes it an issue is that he actually did it to Jason's face (in Hush as it was retconned to be Jason he said that too).

And, when Jason comes back it stops being grief for the dead, it becomes grief for the wounded. And people victim blame people who were hurt too. This is how they cope, however this coping mechanism always hurts the victim and is a genuinely bad coping mechanism that shouldn't be used. It's harmful. It's harmful to the victim and it is harmful for the other people who might be grieving. It's probably one of the most selfish coping mechanisms.

I've experienced people using this method in real life and it's rough. And it's toxic. Saying you can't criticize the way someone grieves is flawed because you are rarely the only one grieving and I personally have been harmed during a period of shared grief. And I am sure other people have been too because grief brings out the bad in people but that doesn't mean all is forgiven.

Like, imagine if Jason was just comatose and all the victim blaming happened and then Jason just woke up and found out all Bruce had been saying about him? Would Jason's feelings be justified then?

Also, saying the deceased person doesn't matter when they die disregards a lot of religious and spiritual beliefs around honoring the dead.

I feel like Jason is as justified as any other person harmed when someone copes with toxic way in being upset. Jason's death is also a traumatic thing that happened to him. Centering Bruce's feelings while disregarding Jason's as unjustified doesn't feel fair. Especially considering the incident where Bruce took Jason to Ethiopia to try to trigger Jason's memories of what brought him back without his consent.

(Sorry if this was a bit much, I've experienced a decent amount of the bad sides of grief in my life and feel strongly about it)

Okay, so I feel like I need to re answer my previous post because I was struggling to find the right words and also at work, but I think I've figured it out.

One thing to keep in mind is when we talk about feelings, grief, and emotions, there's not a set right or wrong. I also mentioned that I don't like the word justified in this case because it sounds like right or wrong. I did use it at the end, but I'll get into that here. This is a very gray area subject matter and that makes it tricky and you're never gonna find an answer that everyone agrees with because it's not really as fact based as if I said "batman wears a cape sometimes" or "dick grayson is nightwing".

The first thing that comes to mind for me is what my therapist tells me when I feel guilt over feelings. She would tell me "anything you're feeling is valid, you're allowed to be upset, angry, sad, jealous, etc. It's how you act on those feelings.. something I can't remember atm lol". So when I say jason isn't justified, I'm saying that he's allowed to be upset and angry and his feelings are valid, it's not right to actively take it out on the family and hold it against them and be sort of malicious or harmful. And i know theyve done that plus some towards him, but its important to remember that you can only control your own actions and even if someone is being toxic and harmful, that doesnt mean you should too. I think I didn't explain that right and there was some miscommunication. I also wanted to explain why I felt that jason would be angry.

As for this comment, both of these asks were right. Grief can be harmful and toxic. And before I say what I'm going to say next, keep in mind that I'm discussing grief alone and not any of the stuff post utrh that Bruce has done to jason that's harmful and abusive. This toxic kind of grief doesn't make the person a bad person. They can't help it. It's your brain going crazy to try and cope with something traumatic. When my dog died, I wanted to sue my vet, even though they didn't really so anything wrong. It's easier to have someone in front of you to blame. I'm not saying it's right or okay, but it does happen and it can be harmful, but you're not a bad person for it. (In Bruce's case, he's a bad person for all the other shit he's pulled outside of this)

I think these two asks are like at the opposite ends of this topic and I think it's something that you can meet in the middle with. So basically

Yes, grief can be toxic and harmful, but it's also very much a subconscious phenomenon and it's extremely personal and different for everyone and alot of times, people are unaware of what they're doing.

Because of that, jason can be hurt by it, he can be angry,etc. His feelings are valid, But it's not fair to activey hold that over Bruce forever, which he doesn't, this seems more like a fanon thing btw. But it also doesn't hurt to apologize afterwards.

I think when you say that the idea of not critiquing the way someone grieves is flawed, it comes off as unempathetic. Because as someone who has had to grieve alot of the past few years, it's the worst feeling. And your brain is literally scrambling to cope with it so you don't actively lose your shit and sometimes it ends up with some unhealthy Coping mechanisms. And you're usually unaware of what you're doing. I feel like you're not thinking of how the other person is feeling or what they're going through. And fair is fair, they need to see what you're feeling too and actively try to remedy things at some point, there just needs to be more patience and empathy all around and trying to remember that this person is not always intentionally being malicious.

I'm a religious person. So I see where youre coming from, but nobody said the deceased doesn't matter. I think the point was more that you don't have to worry as much about how that person is feeling or thinking because they've moved on to a better place, you should focus on self care and doing what's best for your mental health.

I am also 100% not trying to center around Bruce's feelings and discredit jasons, in fact, the last post was 100% about jasons feelings.

In summary, there's not "justified" or "right" or "wrong". It's super complicated, varies from person to person, and is a tricky subject matter. Everyone's feelings are valid and there definitely needs to be more empathy and patience on all sides, but there are still actions that have been made on both sides that aren't the best and can be hurtful or toxic. I hope this all makes sense and I worded it right :)

[emcapi-gaming]

"So you're here to try and save the world?" She gives a single, bitter laugh. "Bit late for that. I mean, I appreciate the thought, but it's not worth it. This place is too far gone. You're just gonna get yourself killed - or worse."

"I've come this far, haven't I? I have to try."

"…Just what this place needs, another stubborn heroic dumbass." She shakes her head. "There's no arguing with you, is there."

"You've got that much right."

"Well. If you don't mind the extra company, I might as well follow you around and yell at you when you're about to do something particularly stupid. Sure could have used that, myself. Besides, it sounds more interesting than moping my way across every square ilm of Norvrandt like I've been doing."

Ardbert chuckles. "I've seen some pretty strange things, but I think being yelled at by a ghost would be a new one. Sure. Why not? Although I'll have to try and explain you to my friends, lest they assume I've started talking to myself."

(fun facts/notes/lore under cut as usual!)

Originally this was supposed to be part of a poly week prompt (combination of role/outfit swap + alternate universe) but I never got around to the other part with Zero. Ah well! I'm still happy with how this turned out.

I think the most interesting part of this shot + bonus drabble was thinking about some of the ways they're different! They have, frankly, an absurd amount of things in common - most of which were unintentional! - but I like exploring how they differ as individuals also.

In this case: Ardbert is way more of a (justifiably) grumpy little shit here in canon, lol. Between the two of them, he definitely has more of a temper and is more likely to default to anger as a reaction. Ardwin will absolutely snap if pushed, but outside of battle, she is, by comparison, a little more patient and willing to laugh things off or pretend they don't bother her. (Although her tendency to bottle things up comes with its own issues.)

Some of that difference is just down to different hormonal systems. (I have it on good authority from my husband that going on T shifted his default emotional response when upset from being sad/crying to getting angry.) However, some of it is just that: a personal difference!

Thinking about it a little more, maybe Ardwin would be a bit more expressive in this AU. I think that Heavensward, in particular, amplified her pre-existing tendency to repress her shit and Not Talk About It, because Alphinaud and Tataru were really relying on her to be their anchor. She absolutely did not wanna burden them with her own problems. (Let alone the whole, uh, "a smile better suits a hero" bit, which, come to think of it, also absolutely did not help.)

In this AU, though, Ardwin would have been running around with Ardbert's friends. This means she no longer would have been the only Warrior of Light, or the only one being relied on to be The Strong One (given that between Branden, Cylva, and Ard___, the First WoLs have 3 tanks lmao). She definitely would still feel like she should be the stoic leader, but they would probably successfully (lovingly) bully her into talking about her feelings every so often, so she doesn't end up with the Pit of Emotional Repression in the same way.

[lotusarchon]

Remember when I said I desperately wanted LMK to add Erlang Shen?

Yeah, I've changed my mind.

This isn't a clear precise rant or anything I'm just rambling because I keep seeing Erlang hate sobsobs

I have never. Ever. Met a character who gets shit on more than Erlang Shen. And this is saying something, right, because I've been in fandoms. From cartoons to anime to books and novels, I've seen it all. And the amount of shit Erlang receives despite not even BEING A CANON ANIMATED FIGURE IN THIS SHOW IS INSANE.

Like. Last year, when I was still unaware about him, I looked through the tags for fics related to him, and oh my lord. The shadowpeach fics where he's evil...there was even one where he KILLED BABY MK. AND TORTURED MACAQUE TO SPITE WUKONG?? WHAT THE HELL 😭

I get not liking a character you know. I don't like Macaque, but I also don't really care who likes him just as long as you don't be an aggravating buzzing little mosquito about it. To each their own, it's genuinely fine if you don't like a character just because.

But if I had to give someone an award for being the most shit on character to exist, that goes to Erlang Shen.

Keep in mind I'm not talking of any other portrayal or fandom aside from Lego Monkie Kid, specifically. I am aware that he's appeared in other shows/adaptations, but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking specifically of LMK and their horrible idea of Erlang Shen.

Because. Wow. You guys despise my man for existing huh?

And I totallyyyyyy get that. Sometimes I see a character and don't like them just because.

But yikessss the hate to like ratio is baffling. I remember there was a fandom poll about which character was attractive? I genuinely don't remember much about the reason for the poll, but I do remember the amount of people who started throwing hissy fit because Erlang was either on the poll or ranked higher than their favorite (I think) was insane. I didn't even know much of him back then, yet it genuinely amazed me how much people disliked a character who as far as I knew hadn't been animated (and still hasn't) or given much personality aside from a brief screenshot of him. I know there's commercials to promote the lego sets but I feel like most people haven't seen that, so I'm not bringing that up to explain or figure out why people hate him THIS much.

It's not even jokingly hating on him. People seriously despise him, and ignoring just not liking him, the excuses I've always seen are always about how he burnt the mountain in the book.

And. I just- why is that the rationale the fandom uses to hate Erlang? I'm not saying it isn't plausible- you're fine if you don't like him because of that- but literally the general fandom uses that excuse to justify their hate towards him. And it's insane cause WHY. WHY USE THAT TO HATE HIM AND WHY HATE HIM TO THIS EXTENT. YOU GUYS ARE MORE PISSY ABOUT THAT THAN WUKONG IS. DIDN'T WUKONG PULL SHIT ON ERLANG TOO, WHY HATE ON ERLANG 😭

All this to say, I don't wanna see him being added in the show, because they're definitely going to make him a villain. And at first I was like, alright, fine, I'll tolerate it. I mean, maybe he's gonna be a cool villain right...?

And then I was reminded, "Oh wait, the creators interact with the fandom" and now my hopes are lower than hell.

Keep in mind this is just my opinion, you're bound to think differently, and yes, I'm aware that I could be wrong, but I genuinely feel like there's no way the creators AREN'T aware of the fandom's reactions/opinions towards Erlang Shen himself. Even if they don't read fanfics, they certainly have to see people talking about him―it's kinda how the Nezha's age started to become much heated in this fandom itself (ignoring Cole's statements aside). Because a writer interacted with lotuspeach fanart and liked it (and confirmed he was an adult but that's an argument for 2024.)

Basically....I don't have my hopes very high. Season 5's writing was meh for me, so while i once WAS okay if the writers added Erlang and made him a villain, now I'm a bit...not too keen with that. I really hope they DON'T add him, because I feel like if they do, they're cementing the fact he's an irredeemable villain, and that's gonna give the fandom MORE opportunities to shit on him.

,-, I like Erlang so much and like learning stuff about him and dear god does it feel like someone's killing me everytime someone in the fandom fucking makes him an evil bastard. He's literally just existing and y'all be hating this man for no reason

It's just. So ironic too?? Because HxH's Hisoka Morro (tw) gets turned on from fighting a 10 year old child and HE HAS FANS. EVEN MAHITO, THE SCUM OF EARTH, AND NAOYA FROM JJK HAVE PEOPLE THAT LIKE THEM.

And people hate on my man Erlang for existing.

If you hate Erlang you are my OPP and we're fighting till one of us is dead

Also yeah my point remains I take back my pleas DON'T ADD ERLANG DON'T ADD ERLANG TO LMK SPARE HIM THE HORRIBLE CHARACTERTERIZATION SPARE HIM SPARE MY MAN HE DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS WAAAAAAAH

Did this come from me in a Macaque rambling realize how he's fucking glazed as shit by the writers and yet people still dare to say he's 1) written weaker than his JTTW counterpart, 2) "disliked" yet there's more Macaque fans then there are Erlang haters

Yes. It did.

I don't wanna see them ruin my man in LMK 😭 i don't want them to make the haters happy he's evil and despicable I already still need to recover from a bitch making him kill baby MK (idgaf about Macaque) please please don't add him ;-;

I think Black Myth Wukong is the only media I've found where he's not inherently a bitch. Touches screen, save me BMW Erlang, save me sobs

[ihopesocomic]

As a bi and nonbinary person i feel like lgbt media that doesn't make romance ina homophobic society or a coming out story is geniunely refreshing. Im really tired of the same old stories that are like that. So i really like i hopeso a lot better than mypride... Like

If you guys want homophobic or transphobic "realism" idk go watch mypride or whatever. Im geniunely tired of having to experience and having media reflect real world prejudice that has an effect on people.

So anyways ihopeso is really good in terms of being an lgbt friendly comic. I hope more stuff like yours comes out soon.

Also I don't know how they did it but they seriously wrote nothing and hover with the charisma of an obligatory heterosexual couple in every piece of media ever. Thats all ill say on all of that

Thank you! Just based on personal experience, enjoying a thing without it having to be bogged down by rampant bits of bigotry just makes it all the more enjoyable. Right from the start I wanted to make it absolutely clear that homophobia/transphobia/ableism/etc was just not a thing in this world. Not only do the readers not have to stress out about whether it's gonna happen, but look at that, the main couple also has a brief Romeo & Juliet moment. But it's because they have different cultures, and not because they're two girls who are romantic.

Since there's no "cishet default", there's no "corrupt religion", so why include something that only exists because one sector of humans decided to hide behind religion to justify oppression? Starts not making sense when you think about it.

Unless the point of someone's story is to deconstruct discrimination or just generally speaking about one's experiences, there's no reason to include it. Animals or fantasy or whatever. Your fantasy world has Off-brand Catholicism in it to justify discrimination against queer people? Then why are you boring, that's my question. It just especially doesn't make sense with animals. It's a good fuckin way to take any queer readers you have right out of the story. Most days I just put it down and never look at it again cuz I'm fuckin tired. It's 2023, queer tragedies are old hat, no one cares.

And if someone's one of those people who thinks it doesn't make sense to not include it, then you need to assess why you think this way because it's not normal. Or if you don't wanna do that, then yeah, go back and watch MP, cuz an off-putting amount of people bug us about why characters aren't ableist or homophobic. Y'all want homophobic lions, go watch MP. That's clearly what some of you want LOL And you're not gonna get MP 2.0 out of IHS, as much as people want it to be.

As for Nothing and Hover, there's a strange phenomenon in queer media where they have to include one or multiple bad sapphic tropes. Specifically where one is the "meek feminine one" and the other is the "boistrous masculine one". Essentially making them a poorly-written cishet couple. MP just has the extra bonus of Nothing being disabled and Hover being ableist. They complete each other/sarcasm.

And to go on a bit of a tangent, homophobia and ableism doesn't even make sense in the context of My Pride lol I know what they were trying to do, but in simplest terms, woman-haters don't worship women. And it just becomes even stupider when you remember that they're trying to explain "realism" in lion behaviors. - Cat

[songmingisthighs]

Hello! I'm really curious about what are your thoughts about the hongjoong Starbucks situation, if you're informed at the moment

i am.

tw : controversial opinion. don't read if you're a butthurt snowflake

i firmly believe ateez and kq did nothing wrong and they don't own anyone any explanation or statement. twtiny need to shut the fuck up because i hate what the majority are saying bc it kinda seem like they're using the situation in palestine to cancel people and spread hate which is disgusting and even more wrong than buying starbucks. they seem to be more invested in the boycott than actually trying to help the people in palestine like the amount of time and effort spent on trying to force kq and ateez to release a statement could've been spent on trying to raise funds to help innocent palestinians stuck there. and then there are people like this

^ this is annoying because you want people to waste the little time they got with ateez and trying to put ateez on the spot. like there are so many tweets saying "if you got a call w seonghwa/yunho/san pls tell them to tell hongjoong about this situation and educate them" like g0rl you're so keen on indoctrinating someone and not letting them have a different stand on ONE aspect. yes, i'm using the word indoctrinating because that's what it seem rn

it's been widely known that kpop idols are prevented to be politically involved. even during the korean presidential election, they can't verbally show support because as koreans, they have their own reason of doing this which i can explain but it's a whole ted talk and it's gonna take a lot of typing. but point is, keep politics and kpop separate. idk the situation in the us but where i come from, the boycott means nothing because while the boycotted brands are suffering, people who are not idols are still buying from those brands BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN PEOPLE DON'T CARE ABOUT PALESTINIANS. you don't really know where people stand and as much as you're allowed to assume the WORST out of them, they're allowed to enjoy whatever they wanna enjoy. i simply hate the people who immediately erradicate many of hongjoong's philantropic activities on human and children's rights over the years just because he posted a picture holding starbucks like how stupid are you ???

let fake atinys leave the fandom. we're better off without the toxicity from people who are using a tragedy to spread more hate and justify their cancellation agenda

i myself want the liberation of palestinian from hamas and safety for the innocent but seeing as how the situation has elevated to anti-semitism esp in the west, i don't want to be associated with the support of erradication of the jews bc "from the river to the sea" connotates to the errasure of jews and i don't support that as much as i don't support palestinian being put in harm's way

full disclaimer : this is my perspective from the news i got from foreign media because the media where i came from is very biased

if you disagree with me, i would love to have a conversation like civilized human beings with evolved brains

[zukosdualdao]

6, 7, 8, and 16 for the fandom asks!

6. My favorite character:

*nearly buzzing* hey have you guys heard of my good buddy zuko?

okay this is gonna be long and then i'll try to be normal shshhsghjh it's funny because the answer definitely used to be katara (and don't get me wrong, i still adore her and she is absolutely is a close second, she deserves everything tbh), but something about zuko on my last rewatch (before my current rewatch) (i am ridiculous) just... really stuck with me. i hadn't seen the show in years at that point, and while i'd always liked his story, this time around, i couldn't help but appreciate the nuance in it, as someone who is both a victim of abuse and a villain in the narrative, and how the show goes out of its way to show you why he's acting the way he is and doing the things he's doing in a way that allows you to sympathize with him (and that helps to sew the seeds of his redemption because his abuse cannot be disentangled from the fact that he was once a kid who valued kindness and things like not unnecessarily sacrificing new recruits on the front lines, and that he is now performing his father's ideals of cruelty to try to both conform and cope.)

but i also feel the show does a good job at showing this without ever falling into the trap of justifying what he's doing. and his story is really cathartic, as it's one of not just redemption but healing, and the idea that those two things go hand in hand? that the narrative didn't demand zuko hate himself to be redeemed (and, in fact, discouraged it, "pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source", after all) but instead, the actions he took toward changing his life and helping people made him a healthier, happier person??? it's just. it's so good. i could talk about zuko for hours, and i won't do that but. yeah i love this character a normal amount.

7. My least favorite character: (*i decided to interpret this as characters i don't like as people rather than characters i don't like the arcs of. that's a different, more complicated answer i don't feel like delving into at the moment.)

ozai is the boring answer, but i mean. c'mon. (he's not a BAD character, he's just the literal worst.) i don't feel like this one requires that much explanation.

also, though, i don't hear enough hate for my guy zhao. (again, good character! he does what he's supposed to in the narrative, which is overshadow zuko as a threat/villain and showcase viewing oneself as inherently superior as something that will ultimately lead to downfall, which foreshadows the defeat of both ozai and azula.) like.... i don't totally know why, but zhao actually really gets under my skin as a villain lmao. maybe it's because he's more tangible than ozai? like, ozai spends so long as this shadowy, untouchable figure, and so much about him is implied, but zhao is just right there throughout book one, being the worst. and i don't know how to explain it, because there are honestly a lot of similarities between them, but i feel like not everyone has met someone like ozai, but most people know someone like zhao. he has less power than ozai (not none, but less) but just as much ego and will rub whatever power he does have in your face and i just. yeah i hate him.

8. Is there anything I wish people would write more about in fics? (A dynamic, an exploration of an arc, just a character that doesn’t get much screentime, etc): honestly more of toph's dynamics with like, everyone in the gaang, because at a certain point, i do feel like toph gets shoved to the side a bit. (you're telling me TOPH BEIFONG of all people wouldn't have an opinion in the southern raiders?) the friendship moments we do get in the show are cute!!! she's never had friends before and now she does, let her have friends, let it be cute!

i do think some corners of the fandom try to remedy this but i just. i'm having a moment about toph pour one out for my my girl <33

16. Favorite inside joke the fandom has:

zuko, a man who cannot be killed!

[ticklepinions]

Welcome to another episode of am I an asshole or just aroace.

Recently I've been in a situation where I've contemplated my sexuality a lot. My best friend has been telling me all about their dating escapades and honestly I'm a bit over it. Obviously as a friend I want to support someone I care about, but I just get into this mood I can't really explain??? I get so disinterested and even feel a bit hurt in a way. So ofc I do some reflecting and I think I found an answer.

A lot of my friendships with people ususlly looked different when they were romantically involved with someone. They would obviously need to prioritize their romantic partner, but sometimes I felt discarded. And i feel like we don't talk about that enough. I mentioned it a bit in my other post but to be pretty much replaced by someone you only know for a short amount of time feels some typa way. And I get it- I won't be priority #1 and I'm okay with that. But I feel like sometimes, men especially, have this toxic idea that their partners become their everything. And in turn, (in my case at least), pay less attention to their friends since their partner is now their sole support system.

So I think there's this small voice in my head telling me that when my friend(s) do find a partner, I'm just gonna be cast aside. I would be absolutely elated if my friend did find someone though, i just know for myself it would be an adjustment.

I feel like loneliness for an aroace person hits a bit different. Especially as I'm getting older, and seeing all of the people I know get into relationships, get married, and/or having kids. My family always asks when I'm going to get a partner (I haven't and probably couldn't come out to them safely). So many times I've been told I haven't found the "right person" or my aroace identity is "just a phase". And it's just gotten so old and bothersome at this point.

I can't even discern what thoughts are my own or the internalized aro/acephobia thats been deeply entrenched in my mind. I feel like I'm trapped in a state of just not knowing. And i get it, I have time, I can discover a different identity that makes more sense for me. But I don't want it!? I feel the most myself being asexual and aromantic (i think!). It's just that having to explain why or justify my existence is getting so exhausting. The way platonic love is just automatically pegged to be the least of all the other loves is just so sad to me.

I know about qprs and honestly they sound pretty dope but idk I might just end up with this loneliness eating away at me. The relationship I'd want with a person just seems so niche and unrealistic. I'm just real tired of living up to others expectations in every sense possible. Tired of not being enough. Tired of being stuck in this in-between of caring so much but not at all.

and I shouldn't have to feel like I have to be in a relationship of any kind to be whole 😩. But I think for myself I'd want it? But not the way society has envisioned it y'know?

[prismicc5ay0n]

"it" isnt an insult of the past, it is modern hate that is affecting people right now. Why dont you care if you are feuling real life hate? What annoys me about "it" pronoun users is that none of them go by that in real life because they know how stupid that would be. Ive been out as a trans man for almost half my life & the amount of times ive been called "it" is uncountable. What the fuck kind of gender euphoria is dehumanizing you supposed to give? You arent as hiphop progressive as the internet wants you to think

ok first of all I don't know who you think you are 😂?? Like you came into MY asks UNINVITED because you have a problem with MY pronouns, my personal pronouns in my social media bio that I literally never asked for anyone's opinions on, and especially not some rando that doesn't even have enough confidence in their own statement to say it publicly 😂😂😂 if your really so pressed about this !!!SUPER SERIOUS ISSUE!!! why not go public with it??? Why keep coming back to my asks ANONYMOUSLY just to basically harass me about my own pronouns??? You are sooooo pressed about my chosen pronouns yet you can't say it publicly? Secondly, who ever said that I dont use the same pronouns irl? You just assume that because my pronouns are so hurtful and inconvenient for you that I choose not to use them irl? I've also been out nearly 6 years irl now and have been going by these same pronouns throughout my entire transition. I've been socially and medically transitioned (not that being medically transitioned or not makes you any less or more valid) nearly all of those years, I am completely confident in who I am and I'm not just gonna give up my chosen pronouns simply because they hurt your feelings. Exactly what kind of adrenaline boosted ego kick are you on right now to tell me, a complete stranger that you have never met, that you somehow have some sort of higher authority or position over me simply because you THINK that you've been out longer which somehow means you know better? I've been harassed too, I've been called plenty of slurs and names, I've been called all sorts of derogatory words and phrases, I have literally had people try to break into the bathroom stall just to get a look at my genitalia. I know what it's like, but the difference between you and me as that even though I've been harassed for my identity before I don't let it change who I am or what I think. I will always be a person that uses it/it's pronouns, that's my decision, and nothing anyone tries to do about it will change that. I have had plenty of people try to use it/it's in a derogatory way against me, but guess what, I really couldn't care less! Like I mentioned before, yes it/it's pronouns have and still are used in a derogatory way, but that doesn't change the fact they are still just pronouns!! And just like any other set of pronouns you can still use them in a respectful manner!! Even though it's really not any of your business and I don't have to justify my use for any of my preferred pronouns I will try to explain why exactly I chose to use them because unlike what you like to think, no I do not just use them because of some 'iNtERnEt TrEnD'. I personally identify as trans masc and agender, I do feel a connection to masculinity but I also don't consider myself to have any typical "gender". I find that he/him and it/it's pronouns suit me best for a number of reasons but mainly because I feel connected to masculinity and non gender connected pronouns. It's what I feel comfortable with, and it's what I prefer. That's it. It doesn't have to make sense to you for you to simply RESPECT ME! As a trans individual, and as someone who uses it/it's pronouns! It's that easy!!

but besides your whole tantrum about my identity in just this ask you also felt like one wasn't enough, so you sent two more asks too!! How nice of you ☺️! Don't worry I wont leave those out either, you seem to think that it is just HILARIOUS that my SOCIAL MEDIA USER NAME is crayon! And that me making an ONLINE ACCOUNT ON THE INTERNET named crayon is FAR more childish than having a tantrum over someone else's pronouns that you had no business sending your unsolicited opinion on it to. Again if you would just stop being a cowardly cry baby for 5 seconds and send a non anonymous ask maybe we could evaluate what makes your username so much more justified and mature than crayon 🤔. But I bet you won't! You won't because you are a coward and probably either don't have any real confidence to say it publicly or you don't want people to know your stance on something as absurd as wether or not someone can use it/it's pronouns!

Keep hating me for my chosen pronouns if that's what you really want to do with your life. but guess what? I'm going to keep living my life and loving my pronouns regardless of what you think or say about it, because I'm comfortable with my identity! I don't have to go out of my way to harass other people about their pronouns just to affirm my own personal experience being trans! Good luck! ☺️🫶💖

[solitaryhome]

under the cut because it's discourseful and i'm putting it here in my diary untagged rather than actually rebloggijg the post for a reaaasonnn lol

guys i'm gonna be so honest. as a #realactualbiologist we have to please for the love of god drop that "biology is actually so much more complex than they taught you in sixth grade !!! actually modern science has disproven binary sex!!! actually there are animals with sex chromosomes other than X and Y and animals that change sexes during their life span!!" talking point that i to this day still see people using to try and defend nonbinary or trans identities. it's barely relevant at best and incredibly intellectually dishonest at worst 😭 i saw that one "hashtag biology teacher here" post making rounds again and everything said in it is either irrelevant or downright false and yet it hits the sweet spot of real examples and jargon to make anyone that doesn't know what SRY means have their eyes glaze over and hit reblog in support.

i will explain the issues with the post if anyone actually cares but i just wanted to make it clear that the biggest issue with it is the premise itself. whether or not human sex is binary has literally no relevance to human gender on account of gender is something we made up and has no basis in biology. everyone i see trying to use biology to justify gender is literally doing bioessentialism. that's what bioessentialism is. i'm sorry but it's true. you're saying that we need to 'justify' gender by a biological explanation. or that in some way, saying "human sex is binary" has ANY BEARING WHATSOEVER on the conversation about gender. you're saying that gendered behaviors attitudes aesthetics etc have some biological relevance. i thought we had moved past that lol . they do not. i promise you that you do NOT want to try and find a biological explanation for gender because you are literally going to reinvent sexism along the way.

ideological pitfalls aside. as for the post itself it literally doesn't make any sense 😭 i'm sorry but it doesn't. the post claims that 'human biology is complex' and proceeds to list a massive amount of non-human animals that have alternate sex chromosomes, unusual sexual development, etc. what this is supposed to prove about human sex i'm not sure. like by the same token i could say "human breathing is complex! saying that humans 'require' oxygen as their terminal electron acceptor is 6th grade biology. didn't you know that there are bacteria that breathe straight up uranium?". zero relevance. the post then goes on to list a bunch of sexual developmental disorders. right okay. so these are not new sexes. hope this helps. we call them DSDs because they are not a magical third sex but are in fact disorders and have a wide range of medical implications. many people with a DSD are sterile; notably, none of them have a third gamete outside of the binary. also, by making this argument, that nonbinary people are valid bc some people have DSDs that don't fit them neatly into a standard sex category, are you implying that all nonbinary people must have a DSD? like it just really doesn't make sense to conflate these things. whatever. i think what bothers me most about the post is the author proudly proclaiming that all biologists agree now that sex is more complex than XX/XY. i can promise you that any biologist that paid attention in their coursework would be able to explain to you the same caveats that i did here. lol. like yes sex is complicated. i actually could go on for a very long time and quite excitedly about alternate gametes in nonhuman animals or about DSDs in humans. however, none of this has any relevance on whether sex in humans is binary, which it is. and sex in humans has no bearing on gender in humans, on account of we literally made that shit up. i promise you you do not need to find slop science that ideologically agrees with you to stick it to conservatives. on account of you do not need to be engaging with them on their terms. never let your opponent dictate the terms of your argument. i thought we all knew this by now lol. ok

long ass rant and barely coherent no one come at me if i worded things poorly. yes i am pro nonbinary identities the point of this post is that biology is a shit way of justifying them and we need to stop spreading bad science. my qualifications are a BS in human biology w highest distinction, four semesters teaching molecular biology, and a post bacc in a molecular biology lab. and a shit ton of MD/PhD applications i'm waiting to hear back on lol. i am not the "works in a hospital as a janitor" guy. but also i am begging you guys to become scientifically literate and stop relying on internet 'experts' for your worldview. pop open pubmed and learn how to read.

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for blinding my best friend and also killing a bunch of people?

Ok so I know the title seems bad but I can explain.

To start, I (6F) have a pretty bad relationship with my guardian, S. (???F) She has been overly reliant on me for support since I was very young, and I’m under threat of punishment so I don’t really have any choice but to give her what she wants. She’s on a diet where she can only eat people, and of course I’m tasked with getting them for her. So I’ve had to look for creative solutions.

Basically, I decided to take up a hobby of live action role play, where of course I’d get to bring back a few bodies. I teamed up with a girl who would later become my best friend, we’ll call her T, (6F) and she’s got this whole justice shtick where she’d help me as long as she thought we were killing bad guys.

So already, yeah yeah, I killed some people. And I KNOW that’s gonna get people saying I’m the asshole but A) they knew what they were getting into, B) They were bad anyway, T thought so at least, and C) it’s not like you can actually blame ME when it’s S that made me do it!!!!!!!!

Anyways, after a while me and T started playing against this other duo, who I’ll call A (6F) and V (6M). Me and V were playing like usual, and long story short I ended up pushing V off a cliff. Normal stuff.

V got hurt and A found out about it and got really mad. She sent a bunch of the ghosts of the people I’d killed to haunt me!!!!!!!! I thought it was a really low blow, and I responded in kind by getting her then-boyfriend to kill her. Which was probably a bit excessive I admit but she had it coming, freaking out about something so minor.

So this is where things get really messy and I started to question myself. T got wind of all of this, and DESPITE the fact that we were a team, she thought I’d gone too far, saying we’d strayed from the original point and were no longer delivering justice. She got involved, ratting me out for something to this guy I knew KNOWING that he’d react badly. And he did, the fucker blew up my eye and arm. Still mad about it.

So as you can probably predict by now with the amount of bullshit revenge happening, I responded. I didn’t want T to get involved, but she had, so here we are. I did this really complicated thing to get T’s guardian to convince her to stare directly into the sun so she’d go blind. Yeah. It was weird. Ever since everything happened it’s just been nonstop people blowing up my phone, even T, telling me what an awful bitch I am. It’s surreal.

But that was the final act of revenge, so here I am, left questioning it all, asking you guys for advice. I’m honestly feeling a bit bad, for killing all those people, pushing V, killing A, blinding T… But I don’t know. I feel like I was justified for a lot of it? Like S made me do the killing, and T just straight up betrayed me… Let me know what you think. I know this was kind of a long post and the situation was complicated, but AITA?

[is-the-fire-real]

judío por elección (part 3)

(part 1. part 2. part 2.5.)

"I think," I told my wife the other day, "we're gonna have to use the mikvehs for women."

They made a face--a nose-wrinkly sneer, equal parts anger and tired.

"It's about what I expected," I said.

"Yeah," they said, "but still."

One of the reasons my wife and I chose to convert at this moment is because we want children, and we're about to take that step. As adults, we have both been far too smart for church. They were mainstream Protestant, I was Mormon. They stopped attending. I got my baptism revoked (a real thing that really happened, I have the paperwork and everything).

The one community we've had for the past couple of decades has been the LGBTQ community. We both assumed that queers meant it when they talked about protecting queer and trans children, as well as the children of queers and transes. So we ignored all the microaggressions, hints, signs and omens that we weren't welcome. We told people how impossible it was for us to have kids. They'd cluck their tongues and offer sympathy and support, but only so long as our problems were structured in a way they cared about. In a way that theoretically reflected their own oppression.

Our tales of how we couldn't adopt, do IVF, or "simply" have unprotected sex with a total stranger who wanted no parental rights were restructured as being about institutional homo/transphobia. A cautionary tale. Proof that the listener's antinatalism was justified, for see what befalls those foolish fags who actually, ew!, WANT to breed!

"You guys are dinks! That must be nice," said an asexual friend of mine. She had to explain to me what dink meant. I was privately appalled that someone who knew for a fact we desperately wanted children would talk about how great it was that we were double income... no kids.

No kids.

There's nothing you can tell me about human reproduction that I haven't thought of. My wife and I have put more thought into this than any hundred couples you can name. We have both done therapy, research, and soulful self-examination in the name of Not Passing On The Trauma. I was girled as a child, and so I know all the work necessary for being a parent. We've tested each other for years with "What if the kid's a jock? What if they really like Marvel movies? What if they want to go to church?" kind of questions, and all of the answers we give amount to something like this:

Parentage is the only relationship where the other person in the relationship is supposed to move away from you. Always, they're moving away, and that's how you know you've done it right. The child begins inside someone's body, and they end up their own human person, and that's as it should be. If you perceive being a parent as having a relationship with a really cool person, then you're going to have a good relationship with them. If you want an adorable creature to pour all your unmet needs into, get a fish tank.

Anyway. In the last year, my wife and I have started letting folks know we are taking serious steps to have a child. I'm not getting specific on the details online, because my child will deserve to have their privacy and I don't want to divulge their journey as though it's mine.

But slowly, one by one, as they were told of this intent, all the queer and trans folks we know withdrew from our social circle.

"I'll just pick up a trans kid from the adoption agency if I want one." "I've always thought of fostering queer kids." "Why can't you just custom-build a child genetically with IVF?" "Won't you be angry if the child isn't really, y'know, YOURS?"

As though having a child is a matter of indulging my own selfish whims. As though any fostering or adoption agency has ever been open and happy to let queer or trans folks walk right in and customize who they're willing to foster or adopt. These reactions are, to be frank, cruel and brutal, and they center what should be good news on the recipient's own anger at their own parents. I don't mind providing you support, but it's fucked up how my sharing good news keeps turning into other people demanding support.

It leaves my wife and I feeling like maybe this whole Friendship and Community thing is actually one-way.

"Maybe you keep running into people who are toxic or self-centered," one might suggest, "and that's not the whole community!" And... sure, that's possible. It's possible that the dozens of queer and trans folks I've met are not representative of the community to which they belong. But it's also possible that this hypothetical one is demanding that I offer compassion and understanding to folks who completely refuse to offer it in return, who will argue that expecting them to be compassionate or kind makes relationships "transactional" and something-something capitalist pigs.

The only people we've met who were queers and who were also enthusiastic for us to have children are, like us, rural folks who are not exactly Part Of The Community. They don't go to clubs or surf the internet--there's no signal at their house, and anyway, they're too tired after breaking their backs doing farm labor (or being disabled) to drive for two hours to drink with strangers.

Anyhow. This response has thrown a lot of things in relief for me. I don't want to be around people who despise my child in advance, or me for having them, and I don't care if those who despise me are right or left, cishet or in the community. I don't have time for people who hate me.

I want my child to feel welcome among a community, a group who will embrace them and teach them and make them feel like they're a part of a greater story than one I can tell them by myself.

When we told A we would have to skip a Jewish community event because we were getting IVF, he called us almost in tears. He was happy. He talked about how a community without children is dead. He reassured us that while our children won't be born Jewish, given when we'll get dunked, they will be as soon as possible. That our children will be adored and taught to be sephardim from the beginning. And he insisted that he would pay for the bris, if the child needs one.

This guy I've known less than six months did more to make us feel welcome and safe than folks I've known for decades.

But. But.

The Spanish Jewish community has not recovered from the expulsion in 1492. Then, it's estimated that despite multiple massacres wrought by both Muslims and Christians, the Jewish population was at 100,000. Nowadays, it's somewhere between 13,000 to 50,000, depending on how you count. Accordingly, there are, to my knowledge, three mikvehs in the entirety of Spain.

The one we will have to use is operated by an Orthodox community. I am still pre-everything and my wife does not think medical transition will help them. Hence my telling my wife we'll have to use the women's mikveh. And I've come to slowly realize that in all likelihood no one will give me a bris or a substitute shedding of blood.

And... well. I get it. I'm coming into someone else's house. I need to follow their rules. I am not in a position to shop around. It's not like there's a surfeit of choice for either of us.

So I tell myself this is necessary as a sacrifice for the child. And I tell myself I won't ever tell them about this.

But it would be nice if there were a community where I could tell somebody.