#nina might be able to give you a better answer here

[uncannydevotion]

“ we haven't found one lipstick that's kiss proof! ”

a/n: based on tht one art meme going around iykyk anyways happy holidays, and merry christmas if u celebrate! nd happy day to everyone else! enjoy this lil gift <3 i wanted to get it out today so it might b a little rushed, and definitely shorter than i would like but i still like it so. i'm posting it.

includes: homicidal liu, eyeless jack, jason the toymaker, nina the killer, and jeff the killer.

warnings: gn!reader but it's assumed u wear lipstick, italics my beloved, so much fluff it'll make u sick, lots of kissing. is kiss even a word anymore. it's short, with varying different lengths, and it's sweet this time for real i promise.

HOMICIDAL LIU

Perhaps a bit confused when you ask him to help find some kiss proof lipsticks, but nonetheless willing to help. He just assumes you wanted to go out to a cosmetic store or something to find some.

He's very confused when you drag him over to the couch and tell him to stay put while you gather every tube of lipstick you have.

He's oblivious guys okay you're his first relationship ever how is he supposed to know you're about to smother him to death with kisses?

Liu will be a bit caught off guard when you place the first kiss on his cheek, your lips gentle, mindful of the sensitive skin surrounding his scars.

"What was that for?" He'll ask. And maybe you'll give a cheeky smile and respond with something like, "I'm just testing out my lipstick, babe."

And oh. Oh. That's what you meant when you said you wanted his help.

Liu is nothing if not the greatest boyfriend haver, so even though he gets increasingly more flustered with each kiss you press against his skin, he stays painfully still so as to not interrupt you.

Every time you pressed a kiss against his skin, he'd let out a little sigh. It was rare for him to ever really feel at ease, but it came easy with you.

Sometimes, he wonders if you truly understood the gravity of the love he felt for you.

Each kiss makes his heart race faster and faster, so much so that when you place one last kiss against his lips, he's so overwhelmed by the amount of love he holds for you that Sully thinks he's fucking dying and takes over.

Sully is very confused when he finds that Liu was, in fact, not dying. And you're certainly no help, just smiling and telling him to wash his face off as you clean up.

What.

One look in the mirror gives him the answer he was looking for. His entire face was covered in lipstick stains. This is what had Liu's heart racing so much? Sully really thought he was dying, man.

Turns out the guy is just an idiot in love.

EYELESS JACK

One of the only ones here to really understand what you meant when you asked him for help in finding a kiss proof lipstick, already taking his mask off.

He didn't have anything better to do, and he liked how your eyes lit up when he agreed, so.

He'll sit patiently, watching as you set out all of your lipsticks, setting them out in a color-coded pattern.

Jack will take this very seriously, I think. You won't really be able to get him flustered, because he's determined to figure out if you have any kiss proof lipstick. He's a man on a mission.

Every time you kiss him, he'll pull away from you and look at himself in a mirror to study how visible the stain is. The less he can see it, the better he thinks the lipstick is.

If anything, he'll end up flustering you from the way he'll grab your cheeks and press his thumb against your lip, rubbing the lipstick gently to see how much pressure it takes for it to transfer.

He's not doing this on purpose, he just... doesn't realize the effect he has on you. But between you and me, he's 100% teasing you.

He's the one covered in kisses, and yet you're the one shying away from him and getting all embarrassed. Seems your plan to fluster him backfired.

"You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?" You would ask.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. You're the one who asked for help." Would be his response.

Somehow you end up with more marks on your skin than he does?? Since you get to kiss him a bunch, he doesn't see why he can't kiss you back. And maybe he bites a lil, idk.

This will either end with you scurrying away, or with him pouncing you and abandoning the lipstick. Make your choice.

JASON THE TOYMAKER

He's busy tinkering with a new creation when you enter his workshop carrying every single lipstick you own.

He's too focused on his own work to really pay attention to you, so he just mutters a vague 'yeah' when he hears you ask a question, not really catching anything you said.

Jason's only vaguely aware that you're in the same room as him as he leans forward, brows pinched together as he focuses on stitching up a small stuffed animal.

It's not until he feels you resting your hand on his shoulder, pulling him back slightly and pressing a kiss against his cheek that he's brought to reality.

Just sits there, confused for the longest second, his hand coming up to his cheek where he had felt your lips. He's not against the sudden affection by any means, he's just a bit curious as to why you were suddenly giving him so many kisses.

When you explain how you're trying to find kiss proof lipstick, he lets out a small 'oh' and he goes back to his work.

Or, at least, he tries to get back to his work.

But you continue placing little kisses against his skin every few minutes, and it's making it really hard to focus, and he can feel his face getting hotter and hotter the longer this goes on.

Jason fucking loves you, okay? He tells you it multiple times a day. You are the one for him. So you smothering him with a bunch of kisses has him feeling all soft and gooey inside.

Whatever the hell he was working on before was no longer important to him, his gaze now seemingly glued to you and every little move you make as he leans back in his chair, basking in your attention.

Like hell he'll let you leave when you run out of lipstick.

You doomed yourself the moment you walked into his workshop to even start this little game.

He'll be dragging you down onto his lap and will refuse to let you go until he's had his fill of you. Which could be like... all day. Jason could never get tired of you.

NINA THE KILLER

Hell yeah!! She's been meaning to go through her lipsticks too, so she takes this as an opportunity to do that.

She definitely makes it into a game as well, I think.

You two will trade lipsticks without looking at the labels, and you'd both have to guess who was wearing what lipstick based on the shade and the feel.

The two of you trade kisses, lipstick stains covering her cheeks and your jaw and neck.

She really did just want to find a kiss proof lipstick, but each kiss had her letting out a small giggle.

And she knew you were teasing her, always leaning in for her lips before dodging and pressing another kiss against her cheek.

All that teasing had her feeling flustered, and she just wanted you to stop messing around and kiss her lips already. So when you put on a new thing of lipstick, she doesn't even give you a chance to do anything before she's pulling you closer and slamming her lips against yours.

You probably planned for this to happen, she thinks, but she didn't really care much.

You don't need an excuse to kiss her silly, you just gotta do it.

And when the two of you finally break the kiss, you're both breathless. Lipstick stains your skin, and both of your lips were smeared.

Nina didn't even care about the little game you two had been playing anymore, her hands resting on your cheeks.

She thought you looked stunning like this.

And it's not like you two had any pressing matters to attend to, so she didn't hesitate before leaning in for another kiss.

JEFF THE KILLER

When you had asked him for help with finding a 'kiss proof' lipstick, he honestly didn't understand why. Like... did you want him to put the lipstick on and kiss napkins with you? And why would you need his help doing that anyways?

He would've said no, if you hadn't asked really nicely.

Definitely grumbling about how dumb he thought this was as you get everything together.

Someone would probably assume you had a gun to his head or something from the way he looked as if he didn't want to be there, arms crossed and somehow frowning even though his scars made it look strange.

It really isn't until you place the first kiss against his cheek that he finally shuts up.

Oh. So this is what you had planned?

Truth be told, Jeff wasn't that big a fan of affection unless he was initiating it, but... he supposes he could let it slide, just this once. Especially after you press another kiss to his cheek.

You could never get this man to admit that he's enjoying this, but it's not like he was doing a good job at hiding it, either.

The frown he had was gone, replaced by a smile he was barely able to conceal. Do not point out the smile, he will leave the room if you do.

Each kiss you give him makes his heart race faster and faster, and when you're wiping off the last lipstick you have, talking about how you've yet to find a kiss proof one, Jeff is an utter mess.

He's got his face buried in his hands, cursing to himself for being so weak when it came to you.

Fuck, he really loves you.

[killinggamebusters]

Alright the humors worn out and now I'm gonna roast this anon entire manifesto before blocking them, TW under cut for lots of nastiness and mentions of torture and death threats and abuse, I shouldn't even give them this honor but honestly I want to be able to roast them forever and have something to point back too and also with my memory I'd start to question if this even happened and that's no fun!

"If you fully admitted that you ship abuse as a coping mechanism and DIDN'T glorify Ouma, didn't reblog shit about how "actually he and Gonta were totally good friends, even though Kokichi constantly abused him, drove him to despair and savored every moment of his execution". Kokichi is a subhuman monster and the only person in all fiction that ACTUALLY DESERVES to suffer through Gold Experience Requiem's infinite death loop. You are a disgusting piece of human garbage that fully deserves to die"

Incredibly funny of you to fucking put a jojo reference in you saying about how awful kokichi is, Dio is worse, I am shipping you with the anon who won't stop calling Kaito a rapist on one of my other blogs. Anyways he's a kiddo in a killing game with a murder total of like 2, he did bad things but, like, saying he's the worst character in all of fiction when making a jojo reference is fucking wild, Dio is right there!! Literally kicking dogs!!!!! Kokichi doesn't kick dogs and is thus an inherently better person

"Have you ever heard of a torture called scaphism? Here's the lovely description: "The king decreed that Mithridates should be put to death in boats; which execution is after the following manner: Taking two boats framed exactly to fit and answer each other, they lie down in one of them the malefactor that suffers, upon his back; then, covering it with the other, and so setting them together that the head, hands, and feet of him are left outside, and the rest of his body lies shut up within, they"

Wow you are so bad at actually explaining things within an ask, you could have summed this up in like 15 words, "its where they shut everything but your hands head and feet in a boat" get to the fucking POINT

"hey find his flesh devoured, and swarms of such noisome creatures preying upon and, as it were, growing to his inwards. In this way Mithridates, after suffering for seventeen days, at last expired." This is what you deserve. "Shou Tucker is totes a good father to Nina that loves her so so much and he TOTALLY HAD to turn her into a chimera because he had no other option" that's what you sound like. Kokichi is a worse person than fucking Junko, because at least Junko forced her classmates and"

God you took so many words to say "you should be eaten and suffer for 17 days" who caressss about the history oh my god im bored to TEARS. Also at least Kokichi's plan worked, Shou Tucker is the shittiest alchemist in the series. I'm also not even sure if this method would work, i would simple manage to get loose, i am built different mithridates.

What did this dude even do im curious now, PFF LOOKING IT UP YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET THE DETAILS RIGHT BITCH WHERE'S MY HONEY AND MILK, ITS NOT EVEN A REAL BOAT IT'S HOLLOW LOGS, there's no even real proof this torture even existed god you're bad at this you might as well shut me in an iron maiden , also the guy killed a guy i guess, I don't actually care, but anyway you wouldn't even do it right I'd be fine

"sister into a killing game BECAUSE SHE GENUINELY LOVED THEM and killing them and making them suffer was a way to bring herself as much despair as possible. Kokichi, however, is just a sadist that enjoys everyone's suffering and doesn't even feel despair when others die. Everything he does is for his own amusement, not for ANY altruistic motive. He PURPOSELY drove Gonta to despair just to see him suffer. He made him kill Miu just so he would see Gonta's despair when he's exposed and executed for"

Did she end the world because she loved them? did she have her sister murder an entire middle school out of love? Did she pluck a guys eye out of love and make him eat it out of love? Did she have the entire student council massacred out of love? Junko deserves better don't drag her into this, she wants to be seen as evil and despairing stop woobifying her it's hurting her. Kokichi's motive was survival, and even if you disagree with that, he says multiple times and in his final words how he was lying to himself to survive. However, even if that WASNT TRUE or it was ALL A LIE his death count is once again two whole people, Maki got two people killed out of sadism as well but I don't see you yelling about her. Even if he was the most evil person ever, he again, only got TWO PEOPLE KILLED, that's NOTHING. Even if he was a sadist who only wanted to torment and hurt people, he ain't the mastermind, and he didn't get to actually do a lot of tormenting. Everything you are saying about Kokichi, is just Junko, and you seem to love her. Hypocrite.

"for killing her. He ENJOYED EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of Gonta's suffering and anguish. Kokichi's crying for Gonta was so obviously fake it is sickening. And don't mention the DRS. They flattened Genocide Jack and Tenko's characters into "bYaKuYa!!!111" and "fUk MaLeS!!!!111" and portrayed Junko, Monaca and Kokichi as almost normal people and not the monsters they actually are in canon. So don't even talk to me like this somehow proves that Kokichi would be friends with Gonta outside the killing game."

Buddy who even brought up Danganronpa S? Wasn't me, they don't even have many interactions in DRS, everything I'm talking about here is straight from the base game don't worry. Also Monaca is like 10. You have got to get better at formatting this it's so hard to follow. Even if Kokichi enjoyed all that suffering, Mikan is right there, having her kills actually be about despair, and yet you only focus on Kokichi like this is a unique sin, curious.

"You deserve to rot in the garbage, eaten by maggots. You don't deserve to be treated as a human being, to have human rights. You are a piece of garbage. You deserve to have your bones shattered and left to rot in a garbage container.You are an abuse apologist and a victim blamer.Kokichi just used Gonta as a tool because Gonta's nonexistent social skills, his low self esteem and desire to do ANYTHING to be useful, to finally be able to help his friends made him a perfect target for Kokichi."

I am at MOST an abuse apologist by your logic as I have never once said Gonta deserved to die, just that Gonta made his choice and even afterwards of getting caught he didn't regret it. It's not abuse though, it never was abuse, abuse is a PATTERN of behavior, one incident, two if you count the meet and greet, is not enough to set that pattern in stone. Especially when Gonta already got his revenge for the meet and greet.

While Gonta was the perfect target, it's not abuse, that's not what abuse is. Kokichi flashed Gonta with the light and told him his plan, while he definitely was manipulative, that's not abuse. You're just spouting buzzwords at this point. Also incredibly funny to call ME the abuse apologists when YOU'RE sending me graphic death threats, like buddy, I don't know how to tell you that you're the aggressor here

Kokichi never cared about Gonta.You deserve to die a slow, agonizing death by getting your guts pulled out. Everyone would be happy if you died. Everyone. Your father, your mother, your siblings, you are just a burden for them. They would be really happy if you died.

HA that's so fucking weak, you don't know me or my situation, you don't know my friends. Sorry you have friends who would disown you for shipping something they don't like, my friends enable and care about me. While my parents are incredibly patient and kind with me. Getting my guts pulled out is kinda erotic though can you do it tenderly for me? I mean not like I'd ask you, I know exactly which friend I'd go to if I wanted someone to hold my guts tenderly.

Gonta himself said that he doesn't trust Kokichi anymore after Chapter 2's events. Most likely, he doesn't even consider Kokichi his friend. I don't know where you the idea that they were "FRIENDS UWU" in any way. They weren't. Kokichi's tears for Gonta were clearly COMPLETELY FAKE, only meant to give his evil rant more impact to maake others believe that maybe he did care about Gonta after all only to make his reveal more painful. It very clearly ISN'T genuine in any way.

Boy howdy I love how things are up to interpretation in this series and how people can have rational discussions about how they perceive the same event. Just kidding, you're unhinged! Anyways you can not trust someone but also still care about them Gonta did not want Kokichi to die, Gonta cares about all of his classmates, Gonta cares. To assume otherwise goes against everything Gonta stands for. He's not a toddler, he can have nuance about people. He's a smarter lad then you give him credit for.

Gonta was groomed and manipulated into becoming a murder weapon. He's not to blame for Miu's death AT ALL. Gonta was manipulated. Manipulation isn't just forcing someone to do it with a threat. Kokichi wrongfully convinced him that it was for the better, taking advantage of Gonta's low self-esteem and desperation to help others. You've never been manipulated or abused in your life if you're saying Gonta could've just declined. It's not easy to just decline your abuser. Abusers can pressure you

Not what grooming means in the slightest but thanks for trying. You're just repeating yourself at this point, pathetic. Everyone was desperate that trial, what happened is a tragedy, but to deny Gonta any blame is to deny Gonta any agency he is not a helpless toddler. He is AWARE Kokichi is a liar, he is AWARE of what Kokichi does, and even if he is manipulated, he categorically does not regret as alter ego gonta, he's so sad it happened, but he still thinks its for the best they don't know the truth. Gonta agreed with Kokichi that there is no happy ending with the knowledge of the outside world.

And as for when Gonta says "Don't blame Kokichi anymore", you'd be a complete moron to trust GONTA in this situation. Gonta is THE LEAST VALID PERSON to trust in this case. Have you ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome? Many real-life cases of abuse have similar patterns of victims. While Stockholm syndrome is commonly associated with a hostage or kidnapping situation, it can apply to abusive relationships, when the abuse victim begins to express love for their abuser.

Stockholm Syndrome isn't fucking real, it's a fun trope, but it was not, and never was real. Please do research. It's basically the modern day hysterical woman, oh my god. Even if it was true, that's not how it is even theorized to work, the plan took place over like, less then an hour, that's not enough time for ANYTHING to set in. For what you're theorizing to even have a chance to be true they would have to be locked together in this scheme for DAYS. Please google fawn response as well, you'd have better luck making a point with that.

Gonta says to not blame Kokichi because Gonta knows he made his own choice, and would make it again, and most importantly, he wants everyone to GET ALONG. He doesn't want Kokichi to be hated, he wants everyone happy. This isn't him being "omg kokichi is so special rawrxD" its "im going to die, and all i ever wanted was everyone here happy, so please, don't hate each other"

And then I guess the spam filter or whatever stopped them from sending anymore because that's a weird place to end it. Anyways this was very cathartic for me and I may do a research paper on this in the future.

TLDR; we should like, have kids and see what they think of gonta and ouma that'd be fascinating

[changingplumbob]

New Goth Household: Chapter 2, Part 7

After what feels like forever I have finished the rotation for this household. Apologies for the many parts, so much happened in their week. In this part the wedding happens, consequences of Milton running off are revealed, and Keira feels ready to take things with Marta further.

Context: This is how I wanted the wedding lighting. Unfortunately I discovered in the hours around dusk it's dark outside and lights on full illuminate nothing. Note to future self, sims evening outside weddings to begin no earlier than 9pm

Friday dawns cloudy but after putting it off I've finally set up the backyard for James and Alexander's wedding. I'm having an issue with the lights but hopefully it will resolve by the time the ceremony starts. For now the cats are happy and the young adults are working out before their final exams.

Alexander: Good morning my fiancé

James: Good morning love

Alexander: Ready to get married

James: Ready for your exam

Alexander: I'm not worrying, it's not the most important thing happening today

James: Got morning plans

Alexander: I might do. Cake shopping with the man I love

James: Sounds perfect

Alexander: So this is Tartosa is it

James: The only place to buy wedding cake apparently

Alexander: Joey wanted to make one for us but he didn't have enough baking skill

James: It was nice of him to offer

Alexander: There's the shop. What's our strategy

James: Charm and wit

Alexander: Will that work

James: I could throw in some elder animations to really sell it

Alexander: Good idea

Vendor: Welcome to the only cake shop, how may I assist you today

Alexander: We're hoping to buy a wedding cake

James: I don't have much time left and I want to spend it with this young man. Ouch! My old back hurts so bad

Vendor: Oh how sweet, tell you what 25% off the stock

James: You are an angel

They couple pick a square cake with blue edges and put it away for the ceremony

James: Race you to the beach love

Alexander: That'll give the act away

James: What's she going to do, steal the cake back because I can run

Alexander: Oh sweets, look at this beach

James: Not as handsome as you

Alexander: That's so corny

James: You love my corncob

Alexander: *laughs* I do

James: Want to honeymoon here then

Alexander: We can't go on honeymoon, our household is too complex

James: We can go between rotations

Alexander: I'll draw my answer

Keira: And that's why the chicken crossed the road

Marta: Carino what are you doing

Keira: Me? Nothing

Marta: Come on

Keira: I was just trying to get in the headspace for the ceremony, so many sims

Marta: Don't focus on the crowds

Keira: How

Marta: Focus on James and Alexander, or focus on me

Keira: You're so ro- Are you wearing that

Marta: Why, is it no good

Keira: More like too good, you look so hot

Marta: All the better to please you with

Keira: I'll have to hope my high school friends don't steal you away

Marta: Don't worry carino, I only have eyes for you. Your brain, your beauty

Keira: You're really trying to distract me

Marta: Is it working

Keira: Very much. Maybe later on...

Marta: Si

Keira: When everyone has left...

Marta: Si

Keira: If we're not too tired...

Marta: We could...

Keira: Woohoo *giggles*

Marta: If you're ready

Keira: I'm so ready for you

Marta: Think you'll be able to ignore the masses now

Keira: I do

Marta: Who's coming then

Keira: Alexander's family, our high school friends, Nina and Dina, oh and Reece and Deanna are coming as plus ones for me and Joey

Marta: I thought I was your plus one

Keira: Living here you get your own invite by default

Alexander: Smile!

James: Why is your generation obsessed with selfies

Alexander: You're one to talk Mr self absorbed

James pulls him in for a kiss.

James: You sure this is what you want

Alexander: I promise, you are what I want

James: Then I guess the next time we kiss we'll be husbands

And so begins my attempt to capture good photos. Turns out the lights in the backyard don't illuminate enough at dusk so pictures are moved to a front balcony in sunlight. I foolishly decide to leave the family photo until later, I just couldn't do it here because who can see toddlers with the rail... So yeah the wedding photos are edited a bit in an effort to be able to see what is even happening

One last kiss for luck, guests all in their assigned seats and we're off. Good luck sims, break a leg. Dina and Nina are here as Milton's guardians. There's no way Dina was letting Milton come without her.

Toddlers get prime viewing seats. Savannah and Mercedes are in front of their parents Rahul and Cassandra. Milton is on the other side beside Keira. I was not letting Dina sit in front. Joey and Marta are in front of Reece and Deanna. Then the other side is filled by high school friends.

Time for vows

James: I never thought I'd get to marry a man, I certainly didn't think I'd find one like you. You see past peoples appearances and into their souls. Every day I will strive to be the man you deserve. I love you more than words express. I promise to cherish you till death us do part

Alexander: Your courageous heart is worth more than simoleons could buy. We did not have a traditional start, and we probably won’t have a traditional ending, but every day with you has been a blessing. You show me what a man can be, and should be. I promise to cherish you till death us do part

The ceremony concluded, it's time for cake! Apparently you can't cut it together on this table. So James takes the top slice over to Alexander and they share the first taste. The Tartosan's sure can bake.

Alexander: We need to talk

Dina: Bizarre vows, we all know you married him for his money

Alexander: We're taking Milton

Dina: Excuse me

Alexander: You think a property this big doesn't have security? I have footage of Milton arriving alone, and phone logs show for 3 hours you didn't call anyone

Dina: I've never neglect-

Alexander: The courts disagree

Dina: You may have him but the money is mine

Alexander: I may not be able to get it back yet but believe me, I will. When Me and my husband return from our honeymoon I expect Milton here with all his possessions

Dina: Fine, but this isn't over

I decided to take the first family photo indoors since the lighting was still being a hassle. Look at these toddlers! The wedding certainly put Cassandra in a romantic mood as she passionately kisses Rahul with not a care in the world. Finally, this newlyweds picture has the lighting I wanted.

With the lights shining properly Keira and Joey got a photo with their siblings. Another family photo got taken outside despite the toddlers being very tired. Finally a perfect shot of the spousal kiss! If you ignore Mercedes waddling in front which I did. And the first dance of Mr and Mr Goth. Damn, I'm going to have to figure out the changed tag...

Marta: Carino the ceremony was wonderful

Keira: I'm so glad it's over though

Marta: Oh

Keira: Now I can focus on us

Marta: Before we-

Keira: Woohoo

Marta: Yes, we should probably talk about ground rules

Keira: Ground rules?

Marta: Not all my past woohoo has been good, it's important to communicate

Marta: I know what I'm not comfortable with, but you may not know yet

Keira: There are some things I've thought about

Marta: Tell me. I want you to have a good time. If you're uncomfortable with anything, just say so and I'll stop. Likewise if there are some specifics you want to try...

So after a long talk, initially awkward but necessary, the two women finally woohoo.

That's it for the- oh wait. Alexander and James are spending the time between rotations on honeymoon and have some pictures of themselves in Tartosa that I can share. Until next time lads.

Previous Part ... Next Part (Villareal)

[kashiichan]

Good Omens Transcript (S02E06): The Metatron makes an offer. (Part 1 of 2)

METATRON: Well, you don't have to answer immediately - take all the time you need. AZIRAPHALE: I… I don't know what to say. METATRON: Well then, go and tell your friend the good news! MAGGIE: We're just going. NINA: I'm sure you two have a lot to say. METATRON: What's that you're holding, Muriel? MURIEL: A book. It's called a book. I'm "reading a book". METATRON: Excellent! What a perfectly splendid thing to do. MURIEL: Is it? Oh. [giggles] Yes! Jolly good. CROWLEY: Look, I suppose, um… I've got something to say. I know we ought to be talking about-- It's probably best if I start off doing all the talking, you do all the listening, 'cause-- [sputters] If I don't start talking now, I won't ever start talking. Right? Yes. So-- AZIRAPHALE: What's that lovely human expression? Oh yes-- hold that thought! [laughs] You see, I- I have some incredibly good news to give you! CROWLEY: Really? AZIRAPHALE: I, um… So, ah, um… The Metatron, you know, I don't think he's as bad a fellow-- Well, I, uh, I-I think I might have misjudged him. You see… I, ah, well… He said, um, ah, that Gabriel obviously hadn't worked out… [chuckles] as Supreme Archangel and Commander of the Heavenly Hosts, and he asked who I thought should take over in Heaven now that Gabriel was gone. And I said-- FLASHBACK AZIRAPHALE: Michael? FLASHBACK METATRON: Oh, don't be silly! No, no, no, no, no. There's only one candidate who makes even the slightest bit of sense. And that's you. AZIRAPHALE: And I said, "Me?" And he said-- FLASHBACK METATRON: Well, yes! You're a leader, you're honest, you don't just tell people what they want to hear. It's why Gabriel came to you in the first place, I imagine. There are huge plans afoot, enormous projects, and I will need you to run them. You are just the angel for the job. FLASHBACK AZIRAPHALE: But I-I-I-I don't want to go back to Heaven. Ah… Where would I get my coffee? FLASHBACK METATRON: You know, as Supreme Archangel, you would be able to decide who to work with. Yeah, I've been looking back over a number of your… previous exploits, and I see that in quite a few of them, you formed a de facto… [pauses] partnership with the demon Crowley. Now if you wanted to work with him again, that… might be considered irregular. But it would certainly be within your jurisdiction to restore your friend, Crowley, to full angelic status. CROWLEY: He said what. AZIRAPHALE: He said I could appoint you to be an angel. You could come back! To Heaven, and, and everything! Like the old times. Only even nicer! [laughs] CROWLEY: …right. And you told him just where he could stick it, then? AZIRAPHALE: Not at all…? CROWLEY: Oh, we are better than that. You're better than that, angel! You don't need them, I certainly don't need them! Look, they asked me back to Hell, I said no! I'm not gonna be joining their team, and neither should you! AZIRAPHALE: But… Well, obviously you said no to Hell, you're the bad guys! But Heaven… Well, it-it's the side of truth, of-of light. Of good. CROWLEY: When Heaven ends life here on Earth, it'll be just as dead as if Hell ended it. Tell me you said no. [music swells] Tell me you said no.

[Part 2]

[joannalannister]

Ok I'm sorry I'm asking a lot of questions. Do you think Jaime has a stronger feminine side/is more in touch with his feminine side then most guys in westeros due to his hella close relationship with cersei? And if so, how does it manifest itself in his thoughts/feelings/actions/beliefs? Also, do you think Jaime thinks about women in general differently then other men due to his relationship with cersei? (Btw I've also sent a similar q to queenaly to see what she has to say - is that ok?)

I thought about this for a few days, and I guess I’m not sure what it means for Jaime to be “in touch with his feminine side”? What is a feminine side, exactly?

For example, when Jaime and Cersei switched places as children, Jaime might have picked up a few skills that are considered more “traditionally feminine” like sewing – but Tyrion knows how to sew as well, and he specifically says he enjoys needlework, so could we also say that Tyrion is also more in touch with his feminine side? And Jaime occasionally dressed in Cersei’s clothes as a child, but Samwell was also dressed in women’s clothing as a child, so does that make him more “in touch with his feminine side”? 

So I guess I don’t think it has to do with activities or clothing. But I don’t know if the conventional definition of being “in touch with his feminine side” has to do with those things?

I’m literally gonna go google “in touch with his feminine side meaning” because I don’t know how else to approach this? 

OK top result on google: “6 Ways To Get In Touch With Your Feminine Side.”  This is how it starts:

Everyone has feminine and masculine qualities that define who they are. Your masculine side gets expressed when you’re working toward a goal, making progress, getting things done, and pushing forward. 

Ok, wow, y’all should see my face rn reading this is sexist bullshit. I didn’t know that getting shit done was considered masculine.

Google Result #2: “In Touch With His Feminine Side -TV Tropes”

A character who is In Touch With His Feminine Side, also known as a Tomgirl or Janegirl, is a male who lacks certain stereotypically male traits and may adopt some stereotypically girlish traits. Such characters are sometimes referred to as being “sensitive.”

Ok, this is slightly more useful. TV Tropes goes on to list a number of traits, so let’s see if those apply to Jaime:

Lack of athleticism - nope, not Jaime.

Lack of aggression - ohhhh boy, definitely not Jaime

An Open, Emotional Personality - No? Jaime’s rather emotionally guarded? It took him ~16 years to open up about killing Aerys.

Typically (traditionally) feminine interests - No. Jaime likes “swords and dogs and horses”. He “thirsts for battle” 

Effeminate or Non-Masculine Appearance - No. “This is what a king should look like.” 

“To qualify a character must have a large percentage of these traits and/or have their effeminate-ness be remarked on in-universe“ - No.

Imma say no, not in touch with his feminine side by this definition. 

But I think this feminine side/masculine side thing is kinda BS to begin with 

(women aren’t athletic? Catelyn Stark wasn’t ready to murder people with her bare hands on behalf of her family? Women have a monopoly on emotions now? See, this is BS) 

so let’s try a slightly different question:

Compared to the average male, does Jaime have a better understanding of the female experience in Westeros, given his incestuous relationship with his twin sister?

I think not. 

(Honestly, text format can never accommodate my sweeping hand gestures while answering questions.)

Take it away, Cersei:

“Yet even so, when Jaime was given his first sword, there was none for me. ‘What do I get?’ I remember asking. We were so much alike, I could never understand why they treated us so differently. Jaime learned to fight with sword and lance and mace, while I was taught to smile and sing and please. He was heir to Casterly Rock, while I was to be sold to some stranger like a horse, to be ridden whenever my new owner liked, beaten whenever he liked, and cast aside in time for a younger filly. Jaime’s lot was to be glory and power, while mine was birth and moonblood.“

“But you were queen of all the Seven Kingdoms,” Sansa said.

“When it comes to swords, a queen is only a woman after all.”

Westeros systemically denies women their humanity. Even a queen is worth so much less to Westeros. 

I don’t think Jaime could ever understand what it was like for Cersei to have her body commodified and sexualized since childhood, to be wedded off without any say at all, to be raped as often as Robert liked, whenever he liked, without any recourse at all. 

I don’t think Cersei ever shared or expressed these things to Jaime, either. For example, I don’t think Cersei ever told Jaime how Robert would hurt her: “Never on the face before. Jaime would have killed him, even if it meant his own life.” If Robert had hit Cersei in an obvious place that wasn’t covered up by clothes, one that Jaime could see, Jaime would have flown into a murderous rage. So Cersei has to hide that shit.

(I guess this is an unpopular opinion, but I think Cersei is very guarded, even around Jaime? Like, I don’t think she confides everything to him. She never told him about the valonqar, she didn’t tell him about Robert’s abuse, she didn’t want to tell Jaime about Rhaegar as a child when she was drawing that picture. And same goes for Jaime - Jaime didn’t tell Cersei about the wildfire / killing Aerys. Even in his own POV, Jaime leaves so much unsaid to Cersei / says it only to us. How close are Jaime and Cersei, really?)

(God, I sound like an anti! Sorry! But my love for Cersei and Jaime derives from the tragedy of their relationship. Their misconceptions. The ways they hurt each other. The intensity of their love and hate. Their mutually-assured destruction. Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold….) 

Also. There’s this passage in AFFC, and it has one of my favorite lines:

“I took her on Raymun Darry’s bed after stepping over Robert. If His Grace had woken I would have killed him there and then. He would not have been the first king to die upon my sword … but you know that story, don’t you?” He slashed at a tree branch, shearing it in half. “As I was fucking her, Cersei cried, ‘I want.’ I thought that she meant me, but it was the Stark girl that she wanted, maimed or dead.” The things I do for love. “It was only by chance that Stark’s own men found the girl before me. If I had come on her first …”

“As I was fucking her, Cersei cried, ’I want.’

Jaime thinks he understands, he thinks Cersei wanted something as simple as one dead child. 

I don’t think he understands at all. 

Cersei’s wants are so deep, so vast, that she doesn’t even have the words to articulate them. “I want _______.” 

Cersei wants everything, she wants it all, everything that’s been denied to her. 

And Jaime’s had all these things. They all came so easily to him that he valued them very little. 

“You were Robert’s queen. And yet you won’t be mine.”

I really don’t think Jaime understands at all.

(If anyone understands what it’s like to be Cersei, and what a precarious position she’s in, I think that’s Tyrion. Cersei was denied, because she is a woman. Tyrion is denied because he is not able bodied. Like, there’s this quote of Tyrion’s in AGOT: 

“Tyrion wondered what it would be like to have a twin, and decided that he would rather not know. Bad enough to face himself in a looking glass every day. Another him was a thought too dreadful to contemplate.”

That’s one reason why Cersei and Tyrion hate each other. They’re twins, in a way. It’s hard enough for each to face himself/herself. Cersei and Tyrion facing each other … “too dreadful to contemplate.”)

So how does Jaime’s complete lack of understanding of the female experience manifest itself?

In really gross ways tbh:

Sansa Stark, that ought to put a smile on Tyrion’s face. He remembered how happy his brother had been with his little crofter’s daughter … for a fortnight.

When Jaime hears that Tyrion has married Sansa, he thinks nothing about how Sansa was a hostage, married off into the family who murdered her father. He thinks nothing about a little girl, not yet 13 years old, being forced into a relationship where she must always be available for sexual intercourse with a member of the family who murdered her father. 

Literally all Jaime’s think of is, “Way to go, bro!”

Sure, in very obvious cases of rape, Jaime is against it. For example, he wants to protect Rhaella from her husband, because he could hear her crying out. Jaime’s not 100% awful. 

But it didn’t really bother him that Sansa could have been raped on her wedding night. 

And now he wants to smash Cersei’s teeth in, because she’s slept with other people. He’s mad at her, because she hasn’t been faithful, without understanding that Cersei never had the luxury of being faithful to Jaime. 

Jaime’s misogynistic. He’s not as bad as someone like Randyll Tarly, but that’s setting the bar pretty damn low. 

So I’m sorry, I don’t think this was the answer you wanted. 

You said you also sent this question to @goodqueenaly? She writes much better things than I do, so maybe she can give you a better answer?

[vitchimage]

Just read your platonic soc x reader and loved it!!!!! Can I get a platonic soc x quiet reader where they are traumatized from their past and she joins the crows. The reader hates touch like Kaz so when Jesper hugs her or touches her she passes out. She has a really high fever when she wakes up and the crows help her to get better. Kaz gifts her some gloves. TYSM!!! ILY writing!!! also you don't have to do this if you don't want!! :)

AAAAAH! THANK YOUU IT MEANS A LOT TRULY!<3

And of course, you can! I hope you are satisfied with it!<3

–

TW!: Mention of abuse, insecurities, suicidal thoughts, panic attack due to trauma

–

Important note:

Suicide, death, is never an answer, trust me. It's though, it's cruel right now, but it will ease down soon. And you won't know nor realize how proud I am for you all for still being here, because words aren't enough to describe it.

This is just the storm before the calm, after night, after dark, comes the day, comes the light. Don't give up, not just yet, your life isn't supposed to end here, not now.

Suicide hotline for all countries in the world

–

Other notes: As always might be some grammar mistakes, I tried my best I'm sorry.

–

We care because you are worth it.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

She didn’t expect much when joining the crows months ago, where she barely said anything even when meeting them face to face for the first time. All she uttered was “Please, help..” Her voice is so quiet as the wind of the night, “I will do anything, I won’t stand in the way, and make a use of myself, so please let me join.”

She just wanted somewhere protected, or at least away from her wretched family.

Miraculously, Kaz saw a potential in her, the quieter you are, the more you are able to attract and allure the target out of curiosity, or even sneak up behind them. And with a short time of training, she could be ready to join the heists and missions they went to.

“Any weapons you are good with?” Kaz asked,

“N-no..but I am a quick learner, I promise..” She fidgets with her hands, “And I’m really familiar with every place here...”

“Alright, one chance, don’t blow it away.” Kaz sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“Thank you, sir..!” She beamed a little.

She was warmly welcomed to the group and got along well, despite her barely uttering a word.

And who would have thought that months later in the present time, she would be lying in bed, the crow members surrounding her worried, due to an incident moments ago.

–

“My god!” Nina quickly puts a blanket over Y/N, “What were you doing outside?! It’s raining like crazy!”

“I thought it would be nice feeling the rain,” Y/N smiled.

“You could have caught a cold, even worse a fever,” Kaz pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Ah, I didn’t think much through, I’m sorry…” She looked down as she tightened her grip around the blanket.

‘Why can’t you do anything right?!’ Her thoughts screamed at her. Insecurities screamed at her, how much trouble she must have caused to them, a burden for everyone, an idiot who can’t use their brain right, the akin poison of words that was once said to her from the people that were supposed to love her, to take care and protect her.

It’s amazing how a family can turn out to be. Reality is cruel, but not in the name of fantasy.

It didn’t help easing her mind when Jesper put an arm around her shoulder, telling Kaz that he worries too much, his voice so teasing.

The feeling of his touch made her breathing hitch, it felt like she was choking, air refusing to come out of her throat.

“Come now father, the girl’s uselessness shouldn’t surprise you anymore!” A voice from the past rang with one of their arms wrapped around her shoulder, the other was used to rub against her head, almost tugging her hair. They didn’t stop even if she kept yelping in pain.

“Y/N?” Nina and Inej called out, noticing something was wrong. Of course, they would as she stood there trembling, her gaze was on the floor, but it didn’t stop it from going miles away.

“Y/N! WHY CAN’T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!” A female voice yells,

“Hey! what’s wrong?” Matthias got up from his seat, walking towards her in a haste speed.

“What’s wrong? Are you going to cry? cry like a baby like you always are?” A voice mocked,

“Cause that’s all you are good for,”

“Hey,” Jesper peers down to take a good look at her face.

“Hey, go and be a bother to someone else, we don’t need nor want you here.”

Wylan kneeled down to make some sort of contact with her, his eyes filled with concern.

But Kaz knew this reaction, he has experienced something similar after all, “Jesper get your hands off of her!” He was quick to be at her side, smacking Jesper’s arm away.

But it did not ease her muddled mind, where it could barely differentiate where she was, reality or just inside her mind. It did not ease the exhaustion kicking in, feeling warmth seeping through her body like she was burning. Nor did it help that vision turned dark and the only thing she could hear was muffled shouts of concern and people trying to catch her before she fell onto the floor.

Or maybe to punish her for her wrongdoings, for being complete and utterly useless, a burden, who is good for nothing, an idiot who can’t ever seem to use her brain right.

An unwanted child, an unloved one. A mistake, a shame, to the family. to everyone.

And maybe this is where she would die? Finally leaving this cruel life and into something worth breathing in. Somewhere she wouldn’t feel exhausted from opening her eyes to take in the reality bestowed onto her. And even when the crows had gifted her nothing but affection, love, and protection - a safety she craved it did not ease nor heal the deepest wound in her rooted heart. The very wound that drains her energy every day, the very wound that makes her believe every aspect of her is a flaw, a flaw nobody wants. The very wound who whispers sweet nothing about how life would be without her. So much better, so much better it would whisper. The same wound that makes her tired, exhausted, of the reality, she has to breathe in. The wound that numbs away everything.

Yeah, maybe death was better for her, the only thing she felt so at ease with.

–

So, she didn’t expect that when she opened her eyes she was greeted by the crows around her bed, worries filling their expression. She expected to just open her eyes to come back to an empty reality, that the crows probably threw her out, or just left.

“How are you feeling?” Inej asked as Nina put a wet cloth on Y/N's forehead to ease the temperature down.

“I’m..I’m not dead yet?” Y/N answered so quietly you could barely hear anything.

“No, sweetheart. You are very much alive.”

“Why?” Nina and Matthias looked at each other, pained at the question, before looking back at Y/N, who didn’t even make eye contact with them.

“Why care for a girl who can’t do anything right?” Y/N voice cracked a little, “Why care for someone who is just going to hold everyone back, being a burden,”

“That’s not true,” Jesper butts in, “What you’re saying is not true!”

“Jesper!” Wylan wrapped his arms around Jesper’s, “not now, ok?”

Y/N looks over to Jesper. He had his fist clenched. his expression hardened,

“How..how could you think that?” Jesper mumbles, “Did we do anything to make you think and feel like that..?”

“No,”

“Then..?”

“I guess I’m used to hearing it so I,” but she stops at that, exhaustion pushing down the words, “I don’t know,” was all she said.

“But that’s not true, to us, you’re someone important, not as a member or for a heist or mission, but as a friend, as a family.” Inej stroked her hair soothingly.

‘Family..’ Y/N gave up on those thoughts, being crushed too many times with that.

“You mean a lot to us, that’s why. No matter how many mistakes, how many reckless things you do or say, no matter what, you will always have us, we will always care for you and love you. You are worth it, worth our care, worth our time, worth anything.” Inej continued,

“Your flaw, your wounds, does not mean you can’t have the happiness you crave.”

“Know your worth, Y/N. Those who see it deserve your time, those who don’t, doesn’t. Focus on those who give you something back, not those who just take.” Wylan jumps in.

“You’re stronger than you think,” Nina states, “Braver than you think,” Matthais adds in.

“Thank you..everyone..” A tear rolls down Y/N's cheek.

“Always,” they said.

A moment later a knock was heard,

“Come in!” Nina yells to the person on the other side of the door.

The door creaks open, revealing it was Kaz, as his cane was heard tapping onto the wooden floor as he reached towards Y/N, the others making some space for him.

“I..” he began, “I bought you some gloves,” He handed them to Y/N.

“Bought or stolen?” Nina asked, cocking one of her eyebrows.

“Bought,” Kaz said firmly, “I don’t want to cause them any bigger trouble,”

He looks at her, Y/N smiling happily looking at the gloves she held in her hands.

“Thank you, Kaz!”

He huffed, “It wasn’t a problem.”

Although stoic, and never asked how she felt, this small gesture was enough for her, enough for her to see him care.

Maybe another chance on a family wouldn’t be so bad, maybe she can finally heal. It won’t be easy, no, but now she felt like she wanted to breathe in this reality. Ready to counter any cruelty it will bestow on her, ready to fight and confront it.

After all, once broken, shattered, there is nobody but her who can fix them, but with the help of the crows, she has the energy, strength, and determination to do that now unlike before.

Cause now she was sure. no matter what, they would provide her the care, the love, the safety, and protection a family should provide, something she needed and craved.

And there is no path now, other than the path to happiness.

–

m.list

[mrs-bartowski]

Brace for impact y'all cuz my brain is being Extra Rude this fine Sunday. OKAY, so...

What with Lena's new unemployment status, obviously we have all these hcs about her being unable to afford the penthouse and moving in with Kara.

Then of course we have all the accompanying hcs about Lena's time in the apartment between now and when Kara gets back (blanket sniffing, inability to sleep in Kara's bed, ready-to-pack corner of belongings so as to not alter Kara's home, and all those other super fun things that make me wanna cry).

I see all of those (and love them) and I raise you one: the Mxy tapes.

So, we see right after Mxy leaves when Kara picks up "The One Where Lena Decided To Work With Lex" which is what, in combination with her realization that telling Lena the truth always has "huge" consequences, motivates her to make that super OOC decision to absolve herself entirely of her guilt and tell Lena she'll treat her like a villain if she works with Lex, yes?

Now, what if that wasn't the only tape Mxy left behind? What if he left a recording of each of those alternate timelines because, after seeing Kara twist what she learned to fit her frustration over Lena's continued cold shoulder and hearing what she said to Lena, Mxy decided she might want to watch them again at some point to remember the real takeaway: she's fighting for the relationship that saves the world...

Kara found the tapes stacked on the coffee table when she got home, with a note that said "You found the magic. Now don't lose it." She wanted to get angry, but instead she just put the tapes in a box on the shelf under the TV and tried to forget about them.

----------

Lena's hand shakes slightly as she slides the key into the lock, feeling the ghost of Alex’s hand rest gently on her shoulder as it had when she’d pressed the cold metal into her palm a few hours earlier with a silent offer and an encouraging nod. The door swings open slowly, and Lena is hit by a sudden wave of cold. Not temperature, but energy. It’s too quiet - no NSYNC on the speaker or Bachelorette on the TV. It’s too empty - no smell of fresh (slightly burnt) bread or yarn strewn all over the counter from Kara’s various crochet projects. It’s too...Kara-less.

Lena shakes off the feeling and slides her bag off her shoulder in the corner by the bookcase, careful not to knock Kara’s favorite cinnamon candle off the stool beside her, as she tells Alexa to play Nina Simone. She zips open her bag to pull out her favorite copy of Mrs. Dalloway and finds it missing. Realizing she must have left it in her desk drawer at LexCorp, Lena makes a mental note to send Brainy in after it tomorrow with the promise that he can change all of Lex’s passwords one more time before they leave the game for good.

Lena stares at the blank TV screen for a moment, dreading the thought of watching anything in this room without Kara’s head on her shoulder or in her lap. So, she crouches to look at the shelves of the TV stand, hoping to find at least one of the books she’d gotten Kara for her birthday last year wedged between the latest issues of CatCo Magazine and the recipe books Alex had gotten her in the hopes of spending less money on pot stickers every week.

She’s just zeroed in on The Color Purple when she notices a box she doesn’t recognize laying across the tops of the books on the other shelf. She reaches for it on instinct, then hesitates. She hasn’t touched anything of Kara’s since their falling out, and what if Kara’s “what’s mine is yours” rule no longer applies to her now? She considers leaving it alone and waiting for Kara to get back and explain, sliding The Color Purple toward her without taking her eyes off the box, before her curiosity gets the better of her and she caves, tossing the book onto the coffee table.

She opens the lid and starts at the sight of VHS tapes. Hasn't she taught Kara better than this? They'd converted all her old tapes to DVDs months into their friendship ("Kara, these things deteriorate so easily and the picture quality becomes awful, don't you want something that will last?"). She picks up the first tape and reads the label on the side: "The One Where Lena Doesn't Make It Back In Time." Her brows furrow as she stares, unblinking, at the title - demanding answers she knows only one person can give her.

She glances around, but doesn't see a VHS player anywhere, so she sets the tape on the floor beside her and picks up the next one. "The One Where Lena Can't Save Sam Or Herself." Lena shoves down her growing horror and discards the tape, hoping the next one will be less ominous. She picks it up and chokes back a sob as she reads: "The One Where There Are No Survivors."

Lena can't wait for answers anymore, so she gathers the tapes back into the box, grabs her purse and Kara's key, and heads to the closest library. Lena finds the old CRT sitting on a rolling cart in the back corner of the library, tucked between the stacks of kids' books. She pulls the first tape out of the box and slides it carefully into the slot.

30 minutes later, with tears and too-cheap eyeliner streaming down her face, Lena picks up the last tape. "The One Where Lena Was Never Your Friend." And here she'd thought things couldn't get worse. Lena takes a deep breath as she inserts the tape.

At the sight of the ruin that meets Kara and Mxy, Lena stifles the urge to laugh. Of course this is what a world without her best friend looks like. This exactly how it feels now, and she's only been gone a few weeks.

Lena's breath catches as she hears herself ask "who's Kara?," the mere thought of a world where the reporter had never believed in her, never cared enough to love her, almost too much to bear. Her hand drifts absent-mindedly to her chest as she watches herself reveal a kryptonite heart, and for a moment she can hear the sounds of her own screams as her mother's experiments rob her of the last of her humanity.

She presses her hand closer to her heart, sure that it's stopped beating at the sight of Kara on the ground, in pain at her hands but still refusing to fight her. Feels it shatter when her worst self says exactly the same words she'd said to Kara in the Fortress when asked why she had pretended to be Kara's friend for so long.

And she thinks it might kill her, this agony that's filling her body like acid. She wonders for a moment if this is what kryptonite feels like to Kara. Because it sure feels like her skin is getting seared off her bones and there are nails in her blood and it sure seems like she won't survive watching herself kill her best friend as she lies helpless and desperate on the floor.

And when Mxy pulls them out, Lena's breath returns full force until she's hyperventilating because Kara is gone and she doesn't know how long it will be until they get her back; and she was terrified of what she'd become when she lost Jack but she survived because of Kara; and if this is what losing Kara without ever having her in the first place looks like, Lena has never been more afraid than she is as she realizes what will happen to the world if she doesn't get Kara back. What she'll do to the world if it dares to take Kara from her.

So, when she gathers the tapes and goes to return them to the box and finds a note at the bottom that says "You found the magic. Now don't lose it," Lena promises herself that, for as long as she lives, she will do everything in her power to keep the magic that is Kara Danvers in her life.

----------

Alex knocks on the apartment door three days later and finds it unlocked. She pushes the door open and her hand drifts to her gun, but relaxes as she sees Lena's sleeping form curled up on the couch. Alex approaches a box she knows the contents of all too well and finds it open and empty on the table before she notices the VCR player and tapes strewn across the floor. She smiles softly as she recalls the image of Kara in the exact same position months earlier. And, as she carefully plucks the handwritten note from Lena's clutched fist, she smiles at the knowledge that, once Kara returns, no force in the world will be able to keep them apart again.

UPDATE: Ask and ye shall receive

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

[okimargarvez]

SLOW BURN

Original title: Fuoco che brucia lento

Prompt: what if after 16x7.

Warning: spoiler for 16x7.

Genre: romantic, angst.

Characters: Penelope Garcia, Luke Alvez, BAU team, Tyler Green.

Pairing: Garvez.

Note: oneshot 86 in Garvez collection.

Legend: 💏😘. Song mentioned: Quando io ho perso te, Tiziano Ferro.

GARVEZ STORIES

Note: this time I have to put notes before the story. Because trying to fix the mess of 16x7 wasn't easy, as you all know. And I'm scared I wasn't able. Before watching that episode I had this dream with Luke that pushes Penelope for knowing how was kissing Tyler... I have to thank @thinitta for helping me with some particulars. Another warning: this time Tyler is not just a name, but his part is really short and (spoiler) no romantic feelings between he and Penelope, I swear. This story is also a "long version" of my What if instead. And there could be (for someone, not me) a possible Luke OOC.

SLOW BURN

This time I block, I block, I block everything, I block every memory in concrete, I block it and a tear stumbles inside an answering abortion

That voice she hasn't heard in over twenty years and that sounds so real. Penelope, Nina. Her body shakes, wrapping the single sheet around her like a shroud. She encounters no obstacles in her whirling. Penelope… It's mom. She's fifteen again and everything's fine, except that there is a really nasty guy at school. Penelope, listen to me, my baby. Your father and I have something important to tell you. She's scared, now she's grown up, she's about to sneak out to see that same boy, who now that he's matured isn't bad at all. It might be her only chance with him and she won't give it up, for the world. They'll never know. Then, that voice again. Penelope Grace, listen carefully to my words. The tone is no longer just sweet, but also authoritative. She stops wandering between ages. We heard you when you came to visit us. We want you to know that we are proud of the woman you have become. All the people you've helped… in the so-called real world, a tear rolls down her cheek. There are no hands ready to dry it. A wave of love and affection envelops her. It doesn't last long. But lately… are you sure what you're doing with that man? And here she is abruptly dragged back into her forty-year-old body. She knows immediately that they are talking about Tyler.

Even in the dream she is aware that he is not resting next to her, but on the sofa. And it's definitely better that way. Not even with Kevin she had spent many nights together, certainly not to "sleep" literally. It's a part of herself that she doesn't feel she can give. Or maybe not yet. Penny, you know deep down that it's not right what you're doing. She clenches her fists in her sleep. You love him? This time the word has passed to her father, with his innate and involuntary ability to make her feel guilty. No! She firmly denies, without even pausing to think. Because you're actually still in love with…

She wakes up abruptly, panting. She grabs her phone to see what time it is, but she accidentally unlocks the screen and the first thing she sees is a conversation. A text she had chosen not to answer. There are rumors that they could make a Doctor Who spin-off. Completely neutral, without mischievous undertones, without puns. Yet the sender had been enough to make her act in that unnice and almost rude way. She re-read it and it makes her heartbeat wildly as she puts head in her hands. Luke.

It was the last thing she saw before falling asleep. She whispers that name endlessly, careless that anyone might hear her. And do the math, come to the right conclusion. The sex with her was truly amazing, nothing to complain about. He couldn't say if it was the same thing for her, because he felt… very carried away and not very participative. But he's not stupid and, when sober, he also has a good memory. He immediately understood who the Luke that came out of her lips is, with such a desperate tone. Agent Alvez, the one of the cognitive interview. Which had helped him remember. And also thanks to this, they had managed to find Alison. Perhaps this is right, that the circle closes here, even if he feels that he could have fallen in love with Penelope, and even deeply. But he can't love for both of them and then… he feels exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. He knew it was morally wrong to go any further with her, but he didn't care. And now he won't be the only one to pay the consequences. Penelope will never be able to keep it to herself and it will get her in a big mess. She will lose her job. He curses himself as he makes his way to her bedroom.

The door opens wide. -Oh, it's you.- he seems to look at her as if to ask who else it could be. It's not even 7 am. -Tyler… we should talk.- he nods. -Possibly without ending up in bed together again?- even in such an embarrassing situation she can't help but shoot one of her jokes. He just smiles and waits. She leads him to the sofa. He positions himself at an acceptable distance. -What happened tonight was… nice… but we really have to cut off all contact. When they catch Sicarius- he notices that she has excluded herself from the speech -it could really happen that I have to testify and I... I can't lie, in a courtroom like anywhere else.- a sad smile paints on her lips.

-I understand. Really.- he tries hard not to touch her and to look at her as little as possible. -I don't want you to be fired because of me.- she laughs now, but bitterness oozes from every pore of her.

-It would also be my fault.- she allows herself a hope. I don't want you to feel like just a mistake along my path. You weren't just that and even if we never see each other again… I will always wish you the best, because yes, it's always been my gift, to see the light in people and sometimes I get to help turn it back on.- Tyler nods. He doesn't smile at her, because it's too dangerous. -You know, I was shot fifteen years ago- he opens his eyes wide, but doesn't interrupt her -because a bad policeman was convinced that I was on his trail, instead I helped the victims in mourning. However I'm telling you this because… I should have known what the risks are and especially the boundaries. You are not only a key witness in a big case, but also a brother who has lost his sister.- even Penelope avoids looking into his eyes as much as possible. -But it had never happened to me to mirror myself so deeply in those I helped. As if before you, I don't want to consider me someone grieving. As if it didn't happen to me, but to someone else.- she sighs. To completely close the bridges, she knows that she should also say something else... but she just can't do it. -Maybe in another circumstance, who knows...- but she doesn't know that he's good at math.

And he's already put two and two together. -It wouldn't have worked anyway, because you're in love with someone else.- she opens her mouth, she doesn't ask him how he knows. She simply nods, admitting, for the first time in front of a living being other than Sergio, her own feelings.

-

But I didn't understand, I didn't understand, I didn't breathe, I was lovesick

He misses her. He can't remember the last time they were alone, that they exchanged half a word, a joke of their own. Or that their eyes chained to each other, as they always have. It's been weeks, maybe a month, that Penelope has been avoiding meeting his gaze for more than two seconds and has only spoken to him to answer questions pertinent to a case. The rare times he has attempted to provoke her, he has crashed into a wall. Made of rubber, without actually getting hurt, but getting only frustration. Because nothing like this had ever happened between them. He has always been a separate discussion for her. The only one to be hug with reserve, emphasizing the exceptional nature of the event. They have been colleagues, almost friends and almost something else... but not even after the date, in the three years she has been away from the BAU, has there ever been such a cold and heavy silence between them.

Indifference. Yes, it seems that for her he has become not invisible, but… anyone. And he can't tolerate it. He'd rather be her newbie again than this… absolute void. Now that he was Luke. That he had gotten used to hearing his name come out of those lips. Heavenly and infernal music at the same time. And now she hasn't stopped using it, nor does she call him Alvez, but it no longer has the same nuances. Her tone is flat, aseptic.

It must be said, however, that he has also noticed a change in her attitude towards the other members of the team. Less jokes and smiles as well with JJ and Tara. Some interaction with Rossi extra work. And above all a submissive disposition towards the boss... who is however at the same time one of her best friends. So he deduced that whatever happened, it's not just about them. He doesn't know whether to be relieved or saddened, for two reasons. First, because that still makes him just one in the deck. Second, because she is ignoring or has forgotten what he had told her by giving her a black and white cat-shaped stress reliever. After all, only once did she take him seriously, even if it was circumstances that made him her confidant...

Today he has decided that enough is enough, the hourglass must be turned. Time is up. In short, yesterday he risked being killed for the umpteenth time and the only thing that crossed his mind was that he would have wanted at least one last word, one last hug from Penelope. That he lacked not only the woman he would have fully wanted in his life, but also his friend. If she decided that they couldn't be more… be content sucked, but this… emptiness was worse. And it didn't feel right, because he hadn't done anything wrong. Of course, he tried to call her, he looked for her in her office, but she wasn't there. Once upon a time she would wait for them until they returned, to comfort them, distract them with her jokes from the bad they had witnessed.

He sighs, one step at a time, without rushing, because there are only two possibilities anyway. Either she's there, and then he'll let himself open up, one way or the other, or she won't, and then fuck the whole thing. And he has a confusing sequence of events before him. The night of the date, the anxiety and expectations, the first time he saw her, behind a pile of folders, when he rang the bell and saw her on the video intercom and the buzz of people forcing their British accents, meeting Roxy, hugging, dancing at Rossi's wedding and party… and then, the day things changed.

She had arrived at the BAU looking weird. Guilty, but not in a derogatory sense. JJ gave her a friendly shoulder and maliciously teased her. Someone here seemed to have had some good sex. He had overheard the conversation of his friends as he arranged some documents from his desk. But, pretty much always, whenever he's around her his senses are partially alert. There's no way he doesn't notice her presence. It's like she's pulling strings inside him. She is certainly not indifferent to him.

He had nearly punched a hole in the declaration sheet he was signing. She had sex? He couldn't conceive it. He had raised his eyes unobtrusively, sensing her reaction. Yes, JJ was right. It had been a blow to the heart. So his feeling was right that in the evening of her stroke of genius about streets, she wasn't alone or even at her house, when they had heard that noise that was certainly not cat-like.

He had felt betrayed. Even knowing that he had no right, because they weren't a couple and she could do as she pleased. Despite all these beautiful rational thoughts, his heart had continued to insist with conviction that she belonged to him. As he belonged to her. Maybe… maybe she was going through her “Lisa phase”. He would have tolerated it. He would have gotten over it. If it was just sex…

The next day, however, that shred of euphoria was gone. Only the guilt remained. JJ had noticed it too and had gone to find out. Luke had assumed that the relationship, whatever it was, had nipped in the bud. The road was clear again.

Or so he had deluded himself into believing. But from then on it had been an obstacle course. And here he is, ready to knock on her door for the umpteenth time.

-

And I lost you, I was looking for myself in the remaining and tiny pieces of too little, of emptiness, of dirty happiness of the memory of the next day

Penelope would never open the door to him. Almost no one entered the former bunker anymore except her. Everyone had deduced from her attitude that she preferred to be alone when she was delving into the badness. Since the results hadn't gotten any worse, Emily hadn't objected. She too wished she had the time to worry about her friend but keeping open a case that the higher-ups had officially declared closed was a heavy enough commitment. Plus, she was convinced that Garcia was processing some sort of mourning for being forced to break up with Tyler. She knew something about sick relationships too.

Luke, however, doesn't have time to knock. Luck has its hand on it. She's leaving and when she notices him, it's too late. She freezes in the doorway. The man doesn't move back. He is really too close, as he hasn't been for too long, but she doesn't have the strength to take a single step, neither in one direction nor in the opposite one. So, they just stare at each other like two jerks, and she makes a second mistake. She allows her eyes to fall prey to his. The intensity of Luke's gaze shocks her, it's as if just a second had passed since the last time they found themselves in a similar situation.

-Penelope.- her name is a jab in the stomach that makes her stagger towards her cave. He follows her, saying no more, turns and closes the heavy door behind him, exactly as he had done seven years ago. With the same determined expression. -Are you okay?- it's perhaps the thing that matters most to him, but he knows that she won't answer him and he won't feel bad, when she turns her back to him and goes back to the central computer. He sighs and sits down at one of the side desks. -Could you deign to explain to me why you are avoiding me and even don't answer text or calls anymore, if not during office hours?- she knows that if he wanted he could force her to spit it out, but he doesn't want to use certain techniques on her. Show his darker side to her. Even if… could she be fascinated by it? It happened with many women, even against his will. Penelope keeps typing, indifferent to his presence, so he's forced to switch to slightly less elegant methods. He grabs the chair and rotates it in her direction.

Her expression is priceless. Super indignant, almost as if he had committed who knows what sacrilegious act. -I'm working.- she only says, but Luke knows how to dig deep and sees the terror behind that detached attitude. Is she afraid of him? Stakanovich reappeared and she didn't tell him? He just can't place such a reaction.

He looks for her eyes and catch them. A little satisfaction. -You know you can talk to me about anything.- nothing. -You forgot…- then, something clicks inside him. Someone has moved the lever from a dutiful coward to a cocky one who cares nothing about consequences. -Okay, that's enough. I'm not talkative type, especially about my feelings, you should know that.- even if she doesn't reply anything, she perfectly catches his insinuation, the fake doubt. -But I see no other way to unlock this situation. I miss you. Okay? I miss seeing you, babysitting Sergio, seeing you hugging Roxy… and our bantering too. You didn't want to try another path, and that's fine…- not at all, but he certainly can't force her to stay with him to make her understand that it would be wonderful, between them -but also taking your friendship away from me… it hurts me, because I don't know what I did, what I did wrong.- he tries to take her hand, but she slips away like a snake. -Let me make it up to you, please.- the tone of supplication, the look of a wounded puppy. It's Penelope's turn to blurt out.

-No, no!- she almost shouts, shaking her head. -You didn't do anything, you had nothing to do with it, understand? Leave me alone!- she tries to drive him away with a push at the height of the man's chest. Third mistake. Luke grabs both of her wrists, pulling her dangerously close to his body.

-I already told you once. I'm not going to leave you here like this. So you better talk.- playing the bad guy just doesn't work when he's with her. -Penelope! Please tell me what's going on and I promise… I'll consider leaving you alone.- he had to tell her the truth, because after Phil… he never stopped feeling guilty. He keeps hold her by the wrists. -Let's play a game, okay? I tell you something really big that I haven't told anyone and you open up to me.- he doesn't wait for her to nod or any other reaction. -Fine, I'll start.- he clears his throat. -Since our dateI haven't stopped thinking about you for a moment. And even before. I mean, I'm clumsy at this sort of thing… but I thought you figured it out. From the way I look at you, the way I act around you… God, I'm so in love with you, Penelope, and I convinced myself I was going to die without ever telling you. I agreed to stay friends, but I can't accept this. Indifference. It kills me.- her eyes become more and more lucid, it doesn't seem emotional, though. -I can't conceive my life without you, without our relationship. Perhaps one day you will understand how much you have changed my life…- and he lets her go, so suddenly that she ends up back in her chair and an immense cold of envelops her.

But at least she's not at all indifferent. She cries, making no effort to contain herself. -Luke.- this is a lament of pain. -Oh, Luke, it's too late.- he frowns, confused. Is she perhaps dying? Did she find out she has an incurable disease? Not even that would make him give up feeling for her.

In less than a nanosecond he grabs her by her hips, pulling her against him. -No, no, whatever it is we can deal with it together, anything, okay?- his hands slide over her face, which looks tiny. -It's not just words, I really mean… I love you so much…- now he has taken his foot off the brake, he doesn't even know where that pedal is anymore. He reads the same emotion in her transparent eyes and leans down to kiss her. But as at the end of their only romantic date, she dodges him.

But he holds back her hands, their fingers intertwined. -I can't!-she protests, desperate. He focuses on her verbal choice, because she didn't say she didn't want to, but that she couldn't… -It's too late for us.- it is her greatest admission. Was there a moment (unspecified) then, in which they could have been together? What can be changed, if she is now looking at him that way, making him feel like the only man on the face of the earth?

Penelope still loves him. It should shock him just the thought that she loved him, since until now it was only a hope, not a belief. But no, he's not shaken at all, because deep down he's always known it. Yes, they belong to each other. But something has come between them and she has no intention of telling him. -Pen…- he begins. And maybe she would have made it, she would have given in, telling him what she had done and really surprising him, because she felt exactly like that: guilty, also because she felt like she had betrayed him.

But Luke's cell phone beeps and the computer next to them starts flashing. There is a case and it looks pretty bad too.

-

And the last memory of a, "I love you too much" tastes like rough paper, a diary page… I dreamed about it, I hoped about it, I adored you but I just wanted to die alone

He was always said to himself that the hard part would be telling her feelings. Trying to express the sensations she causes him, aware that he can only get closer, because it's impossible to describe it, put it on written paper. Not even the best poets could do it. He told her, but he doesn't know that even in this he arrived late, he came in second.

How fucking she changed his life. Perhaps she no longer remembers what Agent Alvez, SSA in training, was like, tall, dark and blandsome. How empty his desk was. His apartment. And his life. And not only empty, but also dark. How many shades from gray to black, but there was no room for the other colors in the palette. It was much easier to observe the outside world in a schematic way, neatly dividing people into good and bad, never contemplating something in between. Never look into the abyss. Chasing, without judging, but also without understanding.

Then that call came. He had rejected it, like in other occasions. But Rossi had played his trump card. Daniel Cullen. The Crimson King. It took such a bastard for him to get to know what was to become the most important person in his life. Whether she wanted it or not. It wasn't all Garcia's credit that he'd turned from a lone wolf into a twerker at a co-worker's going-away party… But 70% was because of her.

She, the light at the end of the tunnel. Hope that never dies. The smile despite the traumas. Generosity, altruism. With her jokes, with her every gesture, she had forced him to wake up. Life didn't suck that much. Maybe it was worth living it better. Sure, Roxy had contributed too. To keep him alive, lucid. But as much as he loved her, even she hadn't been enough.

While Garcia… she had been a punch in the stomach. A taser shock. And she had tried to treat him badly and keep him at a distance. Guess what if she had allowed him to get to know the real her right away…!

In the BAU he had felt accepted for the first time and free to express his opinion. Important. Useful. The fugitive team was just him and Phil, the other colleagues were... others, in fact. Collateral damages. He missed the chases and stakeouts, but profiling wasn't bad. Especially if he could use his new knowledge for… other goals.

But Penelope Garcia was a book written in an unknown language. In some ways it was easy to decipher, like realizing that she wasn't able to hate anyone, least of all him, just for taking Morgan's place. For others, however, she was as elusive as a puzzle, an enigma of the Sphinx of Thebes.

And she intrigued him. She totally turned him on: brain and body. Whether insulting him or paying him a compliment, everything was gold to him. Her sensitivity had then knocked him down for good.

In his time with Lisa, she had let him know another part of her. Paradoxically (or maybe not, analyzing it in detail) their relationship had grown a lot when he was committed to Lisa. The first hug, the slow dance at Rossi and Krystall's wedding… all in the shadow of Dr. Douglas. Her affection was of the friendly kind, though they never completely stopped flirting. But that hadn't stopped the love he felt towards her, on the contrary, it had increased it. It had made it more solid. From a crush or infatuation, it had become extremely serious.

So, they had lived a very intense period, where they had competed to see who died first. There hadn't been a winner, fortunately. And then, the third strike. Alexei Stanovich. She had finally trusted him, and she also went to thank him. He was so upset that night that Lisa got confirmation that she wasn't looking for. So, they broke up and he waited for his moment…

But all this was in vain. Because now he knows she loves him and she knows he loves her. But it's useless. They don't stay together. She didn't even let him kiss her. She continues to keep everyone at a distance, focused just on work. Only one thing has changed: she no longer avoids his gazes, as if to tell him that she hasn't forgotten, yet, that nothing will happen between them and that he should stop hoping for it.

But they both know that will never happen.

-

I block every memory, but I don't remember what the warmth of your hug is, I don't mean the thrill, the thrill of half fucking caress, I don't remember... I erased you who watched in silence the blows I took and there I lost you

Luke made a few attempts after their mutual declaration. He tried to persuade her to tell him what the reason was a new wall had been erected between them, but nothing. She'd rather see him sad and confused every day than kill him with a sentence. How could he forgive her? How could he continue to see her the same way? Tyler made her feel useful, but no one ever looked up to her the way Luke did. Not only as a deity, but also as the best person in the world. And she doesn't feel like losing his esteem.

During the lock down she believed she had made some progress, that the therapy was finally working. She had a lot to process, but she enjoyed her new life. Then two men had brought her back into the abyss. Luke, with his big eyes and a missing girl and above all Tyler Green, with his rage and computer skills.

And everything collapsed. She wasn't healed or improved at all, quite the contrary. Her life is currently a mess and it's all her fault. She prevented Luke to do anything, giving him a sop by accepting the date. The way it had gone, it would have been better to end his hopes immediately by saying no. After four years, she should have answered him with a passionate kiss or an amused laugh. No shades. And instead…

She had kissed Tyler less than a month after knowing him. That would have been bad enough, but they also slept together. And the worst thing, the one that made her feel more guilty, was that she had allowed him to see her soul. Maybe just because she felt she couldn't do exactly the same thing with Luke, the man she really loved.

Because she had decided it. Too dangerous. But dating a man, even if it was just for one night, had made her realize that there was an emptiness inside her, that as independent as she felt, she lacked that kind of presence. If she hadn't met Tyler she would have stuck with Luke's thinking. But to see many of his characteristics in another guy… it had been too much.

All excuses. She'd tried to do the right thing and failed on every front. The only thing she is sure of is that she will not repeat that mistake. She will always love Luke, silently and from a distance, hoping that he will find someone who will make him happy. She won't do the same.

Then comes the Day. It's been a relatively few months since the supreme bullshit (to distinguish it from the normal bullshit, i.e., the first kiss), as she dubbed it in her head. An incoming call on her screen. It's Rossi. -We got it! We caught the son of a bitch!- the man's enthusiasm falters, because before him is a broken family, not just a bastard. And the more he reads his file, the harder it is to just hate him.

Penelope nearly falls off her chair. She fails to participate in the general joy. She turns off the TV every time they run the story with Emily, Bailey and the head of the FBI. She starts shaking and feels like she can't stop. She feels the chasm opening beneath her at her feet. Her sin will step out into the sunlight.

So, she decides that she can't live in anxiety and waiting. She might as well destroy herself with her own hands. To confess. Maybe Emily will give her some extenuating circumstances. She goes to her office and only by looking at her, her friend understand. Or maybe she just guessed, but she feels the strong negative vibes about her and that what she is about to tell, is going to give her more than just a bad migraine. Her screams reach up to the desks. Luke lifts his head in that direction. -I'm sorry, Garcia, but this time I won't be able to defend you.- her anger suddenly passes and is replaced by a feeling much stronger.

Disappointment. Deep disappointment. -I'm fired, I know…- Prentiss stands up and approaches her. She tries to hold back, to be professional.

-Yes, Garcia, you're fired, but that's not all.- she almost laughs, because she can't conceive it's really happening. -Sicarius will not be the only one to undergo a trial. It would take me the whole day to list all the principles that you have violated.- the blonde remains silent, accepting every stab wound, because she deserves it.-Do you understand that if it turns out that an FBI agent dating a key witness, it will seem that the latter has been… manipulated, to make him say what was convenient for us?- Penelope falters, leaning against the door, which remains ajar. -The bastard will still be convicted, because luckily we also have other evidence… but the credibility of the BAU will collapse and the director could even decide to terminate the unit and send us around the United States.- Garcia hadn't realized the stakes. -I hope it was at least a good fuck.- finally comments Emily.

-No!- she shouts. JJ and Luke exchange a look, recognizing the owner of that voice. The man clenches his fists. What the hell is going on? They should celebrate. They solved the case of the century. -No, it's not fair that the team has to pay! I… will leave and come back just to testify. I will limit myself to answering the judge's questions. It was only one night. Just one!- a few words reach his ears. -If I was the only one to get to fall… I'd accept anything, but you all… please, Emily…- she's not sure she can call her by her name, nor that they're still friends.

-Holy shit.- the boss bangs her fist on the desk, dropping a photograph. The glass shatters into a thousand pieces. Penelope bends over, as an automatic reflex, trying to pick them up and hurting her hands. Prentiss blocks her. -Penelope- the use of the name ignites a miserable hope in the heart of the IT -I accept your offer. But- she holds her breath, until her head starts spinning -I have to be sure something like this won't happen again. So… the others must know it too.- she believed that if she would get away with it, instead she has to pay for her mistake.

She throws herself on her knees, grabbing her hands and piercing her tights and flesh. More bloodstains. -No! I beg you! I've already lost your esteem and maybe even your love... please!- but the boss doesn't want to listen any reason. She calls an urgent meeting in a room where no one can hear them, Garcia takes care of deactivating the cameras with a simple click. And she forces her to say it. She almost wrote her a script. Short and to the point sentences. Sharp, sharp as knives. They plunging themselves in the heart of her family.

Shouts, confusion. Well, they're looking at her in that way. As if they don't know who they are facing. She doesn't cry. She plays a role that doesn't belong to her. Then, the last word: -Goodbye.- but JJ chases her, captures her, hugs her.

-Why, why didn't you tell me about it?- nobody manages to extract even a syllable from her. Luke watches the two blondes interact, shaking his head. He just doesn't want to accept that idea. He was right, Garcia had had an affair. But… just with that man? The… bad copy of him? Why the fuck had she given this guy so much after just a month? And without ceasing to love him?

-I love you, Pen, please remember that.- it seems that JJ is afraid that she will make another wrong decision, definitive, however, this time. No, she would never go that far. Meanwhile, Tara tries to justify her, squeezing her knowledge of the human psyche. It seems that someone told Rossi that his 15-year-old daughter is pregnant.

-I know it's a shock, but we can't do anything but give her time.- Prentiss sighs. -And keep your mouth shut.-

She locked herself up in her bunker. She's gathering her things, living in deja vu. Wishing it was still that day. How many different choices she would make! She'd jump into the elevator with them instead of letting them go and throw her arms around Luke and not care about anyone else.

Luke…she tried never to look at him as she confessed. She partially succeeded. He was the only one who didn't have that look, as if he had contemplated something similar, but certainly not at these levels. And so, in one fell swoop, she lost everything. Job, family. Luke.

The door opens and there he is. Oh God, he's pissed as hell, but his eyes are deeply watery, as if he's about to cry. -Penelope.- his tone is dark. Only with suspects she has heard him talk like that. She's scared of him. She starts to vibrate, but doesn't run away this time. She will accept anything he tells her, because she deserves it. It's okay even if he now hates her. It's a strong feeling, anyway. -What the fuck did you do?- she lets him vent, curse, lets him grab her shoulders and shake her. -Tell me.- he puts her against the wall and leans almost against her. -I want to know what it's like to kiss him.- her eyes widen. She didn't think he could upset her further.

-But…- she stammers. Luke silences her by lifting his index finger until it touches her lips. -You really don't want to know. It will make you... feel worse.- he laughs, not a happy laugh. She doesn't fall just because there's a wall behind her back.

-It can't be worse than this. I want to know. I want to know what fucking talent this guy has to be able to kiss you after less than a month.- the subtext is clear, because he and not me. He reads the objection in her eyes. - Uh, shut up. I know it was you who kissed him first and not the other way around.- even worse. He squeezes her arm and that's how he notices the cuts in her hands. Most have closed, but one, deeper, is still bleeding. Now he's looking at her as if he's looking at her alien copy.

-No!- she denies, shouting with the little breath she has left. -One of Emily frames fell and I looked for…- Luke nods, reassured, realizing that she is telling the truth.

-Penelope, listen to me carefully. You will not leave this room until you have given me the information that I care. Am I clear enough?- so authoritative. Something melts inside her, a decidedly out of place reaction, yet she can't deny it. He grabs her by the chin, forcing her to look at him too.

-Uh… it was… we were walking and he said Alison worked right there, then we crossed the street and I had an epiphany. I gave him my keys and ran to the taxi, he asked if he could help and I don't know what clicked in me, but… I wanted to thank him and… I wanted to make him feel good… I don't know.- she closes her eyelids and squeezes teeth.

Luke doesn't let her go. -Ok, this is the context, but I asked you for something else.- he bends over her. Less than a inch between their lips. -How did you feel when you kissed him?- for a moment she thinks of rebelling, but in the end she gives in.

He presses into her cheeks, making her eyes open. He demands to watch him as she says it. -…it was… nice. It's been…a long time since I've kissed someone.- he doesn't seem satisfied, yet he should be. Nice is… poor. She would feel bad if someone told her that kissing her was only nice.

-Have you felt… butterflies in your stomach? Chill?- she shakes her head, even though he has a tight grip on her. -Good. And... did you happen to wonder what it would be like to kiss... me?- a first note of uncertainty.

Penelope swallows. -Yes.- she only says, letting her eyelids drop.

-Even while you were kissing him?- he steps on the gas, traces the border of her mouth, makes her lips part. She nods again and sees his shadow looming closer and closer. She has no way to escape and she doesn't even know if she would. For the first two seconds she undergoes that kiss that she had longed for, she first. Then she gets carried away by him and kisses him back with all of herself. She grumbles into his palate as their tongues struggle strenuously. Her hands also seek the male body, one on his neck and other in his hair. How much she's wanted to do this! Luke breaks away suddenly. If it had depended on her she would have risked collapsing, rather than let him go. -Was it like that?- he gasps, pressing his body on the female one.

-No…- she replies, feeling something extremely hard on her leg. She certainly couldn't blame him, given the state of her panties now...

-So how was it?- he nibbles her right lobe. -You know what I'd like to hear from you... but say it only if you really mean it.- she feels a wave of heat, from her hair to her toes. She involuntarily rubs against that bump in his pants.

-Kissing you was...-he listens to her take a breath, but not because she has any doubts -...a thousand times better... overwhelming... oh!- it's moving. She is sure of it. It distracts her.

He abruptly grabs her by the chin and sticks his tongue in her mouth with the same eagerness. Then he strokes her cheek. -You were very good.- he sees her reaching out to him, living solely to gain his approval and he enjoys having that power. At least for today, at least for a few hours. -I liked your answer, that's why you deserved another kiss.- Penelope doesn't move. -But… I want you to tell me something else. Everything.- she tries to plead with her dark and big eyes.

-Luke... there's no need. I'm sure that... with you it would be a completely different thing...- but this time she must have put the words wrong, because his expression is hard and annoyed.

-Would be? You didn't say will, so you think we're good? That knowing that you love me and that I love you, I can settle for a few kisses?- although she is shaking, something else emerges from the depths of her soul.

-Do you know what? I admit it, just kissing you gave me an orgasm and I'm not ashamed of it. But from this story I learned the importance of doing things at the right time and… I'm sorry, Luke, but that's not it.- she doesn't let him reply. He is so shocked that she manages to break free of his grip and gain enough space to breathe like a normal person. -I left the BAU, again, so as not to force Emily to fire me and I will have very hard days ahead of me. I can understand your... need to know the obvious, that with you everything would be... - he glares at her, she corrects herself -will be, sorry, unique, different. Even if it's not like you, this behavior. But I won't tell you about the sex, so you can take me in this office, in the middle of the afternoon, with a thousand agents beyond that door.- and that was exactly his plan.

He is reluctantly forced to agree with her. -Good.- always that rude tone, that sounds absurd, with her. Inside he is singing her the sweetest of serenades. -But I think I have the right to know at least how. Or if you prefer, why.- he doesn't need to add anything else, she understood perfectly. Luke begins to collect every item on the desk, handing it to her and helping her with the grave task.

Penelope sighs. -I think this will hurt you more than knowing the positions we've experimented…- she comments in a low voice, but not enough. -He came to me to leave me the keys and take back his few things. When he was about to leave, he turned away, like you did the time you found me crying after Spencer's visit...- he clenches his fists and freezes, away from her -and he told me that met me made him feel will to stay alive. It made me feel… good, useful. It moved me inside.- her predictions turn out to be right. The man takes her by the shoulders again, but by now she's used to it and she doesn't even flinch.

-I should have told you these things, not him!- he protests. -You are not at all aware of what you have given me, of the impact of your life on mine. I will never be able to repay you, in any way.- this time she has no intention of taking without replay.

She gives him a push. -Then why didn't you ever tell me?- he smiles, but without happiness.

-Because I've always focused on you, on you, if you haven't noticed. On your own good. And mine came on reflex.- she knows he's telling the pure truth. -Would you have ended up in bed with me too?- he can't help but provoke her, because behind the fake seducer there is still a wounded man. She's right, it's not the right time to take that step too.

-Idiot!- other shoves. -He didn't wait four years to take a step.- she accuses him in turn.

Luke opens his mouth and nothing comes out, then tries again. -He didn't have a regulation that expressly forbade him to romantically date a colleague.- he points out to her, but it's the wrong move. She smiles.

-No, there is only a precise protocol which advises against, to be polite, even just fraternizing with anyone who is minimally connected to a case.- he grabs her by the blouse, dragging her towards him.

-Ah, now you remember.- her hand burns with the temptation to slap him.

-You're such an asshole, Luke Alvez, and I'm even more so than you, because I'll never be able to stop being in love with you.- she sighs. -But above all because you didn't understand that you fucked me in the precise moment in which your lips rested on mine.- this declaration makes him completely leave that role that doesn't suit him.

He strokes her hair gently and even his tone has changed, it has become velvety, soft. -Would it have been enough to kiss you?- she nods, determined. -I wish I'd known earlier…- he watches her sadden, wither, because she's thinking about everything that's happened. -Hey, Penelope, my love.- it's heartbreaking to be called that, yet it's profoundly correct. No sour notes. -I won't leave you alone in this, okay? I don't even care if I have to move on another team, or rather... yes I would, but you are more important than anything and I've made an immense effort, to get to this moment, I don't intend to give up anymore.- she throws herself into his arms, holds him close.

-How can you not hate me? Have you forgiven me?- she asks him, trembling.

-I... it was a nice blow, I won't deny it, but I believe that love is seen above all in difficulty and... you are human, Penelope, you can make mistakes too.- this is the strongest declaration someone has ever made to her. She feels that huge weight in her chest, to always be perfect, always up to it, finally flying away.

It won't be easy, it will take time, but she's not in a hurry anymore. The fire between her and Tyler burned too quickly and it is known that in these cases it can never last long. The one with Luke, on the other hand, has been burning for seven years, nourished by patience and hope and will never die out.

And I said to myself if I fall in love, it will be with you

[thebadgerclan]

Fake Boyfriend

Pairing: Jesper Fahey x reader

Requested by Anonymous

Summary: Jesper makes a great fake boyfriend...

A/N: I made the reader a Heartrender in this

“Alright,” Kaz said, his gloved hands on the table.  “Now, only Jesper, Nina, and Y/N are able to get into the club, as it’s a Grisha only club.  So, Jesper and Y/N will enter, posing as a couple, and sneak Nina in through the back.  She’ll take care of lifting the target, but you two will have to stay inside until she gives the signal.  Clear?”  You nodded, as did Nina, but Jesper was frozen.

“Is there a reason we have to pose as a couple?” he asked, and Kaz pressed his lips together.  “Because, the bouncer will be expecting a Fabrikator and a Heartrender who are celebrating their anniversary.  Simple as that.  Inej inquired about availability earlier this week, it’s a very popular club, the only place where Grisha are the patrons rather than employees.  Can you make that work?”  Jesper shrugged, confident persona slipping back in place.

“Course I can,” he said, shooting a wink in your direction.  “Right,” Kaz went on.  “Wylan should be back with the kefta soon.  When you’re both ready, we go.”  The meeting broke, and you approached Jesper.  “Think you can pull off acting madly in love with me for an evening?”  He laughed, leaning against the wall.  “Darling, that’ll be easy.  The real question is, will you be able to resist me?”  While he was cool and collected on the surface, on the inside, Jesper was doing somersaults.

He’d been in love with you for months, pining more by the day, his heart longing to belong to you.  But his confidence left him every single time he tried to ask you out.  He wondered if you could sense his heart speeding up every time he was near you, how he nearly stopped breathing when you sat next to him.  “I’ll do my best,” you smirked, and Jesper felt like he might die.  

Wylan returned with two kefta, one red with black embroidery for you, and one purple with silver embroidery for Jesper.  Seeing him in a kefta took your breath away, and you had to use your power to slow your own heartbeat to keep calm.  “Don’t you look dashing?” you said as you entered the common area.  “Why, thank you,” Jesper said, fastening the front of the garment and turning to face you.  He froze when he saw you, overtaken by your beauty.

Your hair was pulled into an updo, eyes darkened and lips painted red to match your kefta.  “Wow… Y/N, you look…. Wow.”  “I’ll take that as a compliment,” you said, a smirk on your face, but your heart felt like it could burst.  “Come on, Kaz will kill us if we’re late.”  Laughing, you took his offered arm, leaving the Slat and walking the streets of Ketterdam.

Kaz was very clear: as soon as you were on the right street, the act began.  Jesper, to his credit, played his part extremely well.  His arm came around your shoulders, his lips pressed to your temple, sending sparks throughout your body.  “Hello!” Jesper greeted the bouncer.  “I believe we’re expected for our anniversary?”  You leaned into Jesper’s side, allowing him to kiss your forehead, and the bouncer smiled.

“Of course!  Congratulations!”  “Thank you,” you said, voice slightly dreamy, and to your surprise, it wasn’t forced.  It was pointless to deny it, you were in love with Jesper Fahey, your heart racing whenever he was near.  And tonight, you got to be his girl, even if it wasn’t real.  He led you into the club, taking the offered glass of kvas from an attendant.  Jesper found a corner booth, sliding in after you were seated, keeping his arm around you.

“We’ll let Nina in soon,” he said, sipping his drink.  You nodded, snuggling into his side a bit, completely subconsciously.  Jesper only smiled, adjusting his arm so he was holding you against his side.  After a few minutes, Jesper rose and went to let Nina in.  He soon returned, placing his arm around you again.  “Now we wait,” he said, absentmindedly kissing your temple.  Your heart was pounding, overwhelmed by Jesper’s proximity and the affection he was showing you.

Was it real?  No, you knew that, but it was nice to pretend it was.  It was easy to imagine that it was just an evening out with your boyfriend, that you’d return to the Slat and fall asleep in each other’s arms, but that simply wasn’t reality.  The pair of you remained in the corner booth for hours, waiting for Nina’s signal, and the entire time, Jesper played the doting boyfriend to a tee.  He got you drinks, he kept his arms around you all night, telling you how beautiful you were and how much he loved you.  Partially for the sake of appearance, but mostly because he wanted to.  He might not get another chance to say these things, and he wanted to say them while he could.

Jesper was gently stroking his hand up and down your arm, a warm feeling filling his chest.  He was in love, anyone with eyes could see.  He’d pretended to be someone’s boyfriend, someone’s husband before, but it was clear to someone who knew that it wasn’t real.  And Jesper knew that if Kaz or Inej were here, they’d see that he truly felt the act he was putting on.  He’d had you in his arms for nearly 2 hours now, and if he didn’t tell you how he felt, Jesper would never forgive himself.

“Y/N,” he began praying to the Saints that this would end well.  “Yeah?” you responded, twisting in his arms to look at him.  “How good of a fake boyfriend would you say I’ve been tonight?”  You felt your face heat up, and you played with the cuff of your kefta.  “The best,” you answered, truly meaning it.  Jesper had been everything you could have ever wanted in a boyfriend; he was sweet, he was adoring, he was handsome, nice, strong, protective, the list went on.

“Really?”  “Yeah,” you said, meeting his eyes.  “You’re a great fake boyfriend.”  “Maybe… Maybe I could be a real boyfriend?”  Your eyes widened and your heart leapt into your throat.  “W-what?”  “I’m in love with you, Y/N, and I’ll spend the rest of my life telling and showing you how much I do.”  “Oh Saints, is this real?”  “Yeah, love, it is.  Haven’t you felt how my heart races when you’re near?”

You hadn’t, having been too focused on keeping your own heart in check, but now that he mentioned it, you felt it, his heart banging against his ribs at a rapid pace.  “I feel it now,” you said.  “And mine does the same.”  You breathed deeply, unable to keep the smile from your face.  “Yes, Jesper, I’d love for you to be my real boyfriend.”  He beamed, pulling you closer to him.  “Saints, I love you Y/N.”

And he kissed you, lips soft and warm against yours, one hand cradling your neck, the other resting on the small of your back.  The kiss might have lasted minutes or hours, you couldn’t be sure, but you would have been content to kiss Jesper Fahey until the world ended.  But a fist banging on the table startled both of you, forcing you apart.  Nina stood before you, a package under her arm.

 “Suppose you didn’t see the signal?  I thought not; let’s go.”  She turned and left, her kefta fluttering behind her.  When you and Jesper didn’t follow; remaining in each other’s embrace, she shouted over her shoulder, “Come on, lovebirds!”  You began laughing, as did Jesper, and you got to your feet.  He hooked his arm through yours, kissing you again before leading you from the club.  Jesper was a good fake boyfriend, but you knew he’d be an even better real one.

[kindness-ricochets]

I’ve been seeing a lot of thoughts and hc of autistic wylan lately and you seem to also be a fan of the concept. May I ask why? Exactly? I could definitely kinda see it but wanna hear you thoughts you’re always so eloquent

Hey there anon! Sorry for the delay—I’m guessing you already found an answer to this elsewhere while I was off Tumblr for a bit, but just in case, here are my thoughts. This will be heavily personal, but… well, you can’t very well ask an autistic person about autism and expect neutrality!

Autism is different for everyone and can be difficult to pin down, so while Wylan is arguably autistic, he misses several beats that for me would have made him definitively and undeniably autistic. For example, when the bells start to ring, triggering black protocol—I work in a place with a lot of bells and am frequently caught too close to one and normally press my hands over my ears until it’s over because that sound is like shrapnel raking across my insides. All of them. Not just the ear and brain parts. Wylan doesn’t have that sort of visceral reaction, but that may just mean he doesn’t have the same sensitivities that I do, or to the same level. He also never, that I recall, eats meat—as weird as that might sound, eating meat is incredibly complicated with heightened sensitivities to taste and texture. I’m not sure how old I was when I realized it was strange to get up from the table to spit out my food because it viscerally repulsed me. So it might be that Wylan is autistic and has different experiences than I do. Those are things I would include in a story as major indicators of a character being autistic. This might also mean that his father’s way of raising him taught him to hide unusual reactions and stimming behaviors. It’s not that much of a reach to assume a man who tried to abuse the dyslexia out of his son would take the same approach to autism. (More on autism and abuse later.)

So while I’m going to lay out why I read Wylan as autistic, that’s why I think it’s valid to read him as not being autistic as well. Both are valid.

A final caveat, I am well overdue for a reread of the books, so I likely left something out or could have found better examples. Take this as a few of my reasons for a personal headcanon. Anyone who feels differently, that's fine! We can each read things our own way :)

1 - Hyperfixation: The way Wylan loves music

Most of the Crows’ backgrounds color how they see the world: Kaz’s shrewdness, Matthias’s tactical thinking and superstition, Inej’s faith and Suli wisdom, etc. That’s a sign of good character writing. But very little of Wylan’s upbringing seems to have influenced how he sees the world. It comes closest when he thinks about how his father would scorn his new friends, but we never see that scorn from Wylan.

The way a hyperfixation feels, it’s like you’ve always lived in a close parallel world, never fully been a part of the other one where it seems like everyone else lives, but suddenly there’s this bright shining piece of your soul laced through the other world. It lets you connect, it lets you exist in their realm, and you can’t help but filter everything new through that lens because it’s the brightest, most wonderful thing. (I had been between hyperfixations for a while when I started a new job; six months into that work, I read Crooked Kingdom. One of my coworkers thought I had fallen in love, it was that marked a difference.)

So, combining these: Wylan never really acts like he was part of his father’s world, and indeed is in some ways separate from the other Crows, but he parses everything through music, his hyperfixation. He sets words to music to remember them, like he does with the contract. Even his own anxiety is made sense of through music, when in his first narrated chapter, he sets it to music: what am I doing here what am I doing here…. When he’s overwhelmed, his thoughts are “a jangle of misplayed chords”. The Crows have backgrounds that influence how they react to the world, but Wylan’s hyperfixation is his means of experiencing and understanding the world.

2 - Literal thinking: Wylan responds to exact words

In this post, I went into detail on the line where Wylan suggested waking up men to kill them. Wylan is generally unsupportive of killing people—Oomen, Smeet’s clerk, his father… he advocates not-murder in each of these situations. Accepting his aversion to murder, his suggestion to wake men up and kill them seems like a genuine reaction to Jesper saying he doesn’t want to kill unconscious men. Wylan takes things literally.

This happens the most with Jesper, probably because Jesper talks to Wylan the most. Nina and Matthias don’t really register him past how he might be useful, Inej is usually quite direct, and Kaz is very deliberate when he speaks with Wylan. This really interests me because Kaz tends to vary his speech more than the others do, he adapts more to being around other people. He jokes a little with Jesper, spars with Nina, speaks more openly and more sharply with Inej, and he’s precise with Wylan. Kaz may not know what autism is, but he recognizes what’s effective with Wylan.

Another example is when Wylan is sketching the Ice Court plans and Jesper says it looks like a cake. There are plenty of valid responses here: pointing out that concentric circles look like lots of things, that it’s just a sketch, telling Jesper to stop looking over his shoulder. Instead, Wylan says that the Ice Court is sort of like a cake. That… doesn’t sound like something Wylan would normally say. He’s not addressing the whole situation, he’s addressing the specific words Jesper said.

One of the most heartbreaking examples of this (to me, anyway) is with Marya. Wylan does the same thing with his mother, when she asks if he’s there for her money and says she hasn’t got any, and his response is, “I don’t either.” We understand as readers that what Marya is communicating here is that she is so accustomed to being utterly ignored unless she is being used, and if she told Wylan that no one visited but to take advantage and she assumed he was here for the same reason, he would say it wasn’t the case. But he just responds to the immediate statement.

There are a lot of examples of this.

3 — 0% perception, 100% creativity

Wylan can identify things that don’t make sense or that he doesn’t understand, but at the beginning of the series he can’t make leaps, only ask questions. On the Ferolind, he wonders about the source of water at the Ice Court; though Kaz doesn’t say as much, he was clearly wondering, too, because he eventually figured out the underground river. There’s an interesting parallel here where, in the beginning of Crooked Kingdom, Wylan asks a question about how they’ll break into Smeet’s and Kaz tells him to use his eyes instead of running his mouth—at which point Wylan is able to figure it out. I don’t think this is because he never tried before, though, but because no one ever bothered to teach him. Kaz can be harsh but he gives harsh corrections rather than harsh rejections and Wylan learns from him.

It’s hard to understand the world for people with autism. The world is designed and run by and for people whose minds are fundamentally different from ours, whose thoughts and experiences are unlike ours. Imagine trying to learn English or Spanish or Mandarin or any other spoken language if your first language was olfactory. That’s sort of what it’s like for someone with autism to just get dropped into the world and expected to figure this out.

This can be attributed to Wylan’s upbringing, but I disagree with that because none of the others were brought up in the Barrel, either, and Wylan doesn’t understand trade or politics with any special skill. Kaz wasn’t born in the Barrel, but he managed to go from “stealing is wrong” to “wrong isn’t my concern” real quick; Colm Fahey didn’t raise his son on gambling and firefights; the Ghafas never expected their daughter to be away from the family. Only Nina has relevant training—and even that’s precious little, she left school way too early. The others figured it out; Wylan needed a bit more help. He also seems surprised by the way his father conducts business. Wylan takes things on face value—like the time he’s surprised someone would do something, simply because it’s unlawful. This is something he expresses to a group of gangsters. He’s never been taught the way of any world and these things are not intuitive to him.

But Wylan isn’t stupid.

He doesn’t know how to understand the world, but he does understand how things go together. Given a pointy diamond, a handle, and a screw, he cut through Grisha glass. He carries flashbangs and magic napalm, he recreates military hardware—Wylan understands how to make things interact for a specific result. But to me the most telling thing isn’t just that he puts together chemical pieces, it’s that he figured out Jesper controlled bullets. He saw the pieces and put them together.

Wylan can understand when things don’t make sense, but he can’t make sense of them—yet when he understands things at their basic level, he understands them without preconception, for what they are. This is a very autistic way of thinking about things, it goes back to the literalism. He can’t make the leaps of logic other people can, but he also doesn’t make the assumptions they do—“I’ve never heard of a bullet Grisha, so that’s not a thing” vs “Well Jesper’s an almost impossibly good shot and he controls metal and bullets are metal, so why not?”

4 - Broken brain/body connection

Wylan’s great at chemistry and drawing and playing flute or piano—but he’s something of a disaster other times. This is in particular contrast to the other characters, all of whom are physically adept. Meanwhile it’s a challenge for Wylan to climb a rope ladder and he spends a full paragraph trying to figure out what to do with his hands. It’s easy to say, well, he’s used to a sedentary lifestyle, but at this point he’s not. He’s worked in the tannery for months. He’s just physically awkward.

I have less to say on this point only because it’s about something I don’t fully understand myself. I don’t really understand what it would be like to have a body that just… does things? Like normal stuff? Without tics and stims. No idea. Only that Wylan’s discomfort in and seeming lack of mastery of his own body feels very relatable to me.

5 - Abuse

One of the most familiar things about Wylan is how he has been so thoroughly abused and broken down that he’s afraid to do or say much of anything. Again, this is a place his background can be an obscuring factor. Of course Wylan didn’t think to blow up the walls when the first met the parem-juiced jurda and got trapped, he’s a spoiled rich kid! Except, he also startled when Jesper said his name later. Wylan didn’t hesitate because he was spoiled, he hesitated because he had no confidence.

He also thinks Kaz would laugh at him for playing music at his mother’s grave. Now, personally, I can’t see Kaz laughing at Wylan—being indifferent, thinking it’s pointless sentimentality, shaking his head, maybe commenting sharply that they need to go if they don’t have the time. But not laughing. Kaz is a snarky, sharp-edged jerk sometimes, but he doesn’t go out of his way to criticize, he just lets people know when they inconvenience him.

Wylan has been trained to identify attention as negative by an overbearing abusive father who literally saw him as less favorable than a demon. Now, that may have been hyperbole, but Jan criticized everything he could about Wylan—art, music, emotion—and made clear that he was worthless and competent to nothing. (Jan Van Eck can suck a rotten donkey dick but that’s neither here nor there.)

A lot of people with autism experience levels of bullying that have similar impacts. Or as the kids these days are calling it: we go to school. We go to school where we are weird. Where we look weird and move weird and talk about weird things and there’s a whole little bevy of asswipes to makes sure we know it. I got teased more for playing Pokemon and sitting alone reading than the kid who pissed himself onstage at assembly. (This was before Pokemon was cool. I’m old.) And that is not unusual for autistic kids. It’s also not unusual for this to be compounded by relatives or even parents who may be trying to help but don’t understand and can make things even harder.

So we can’t read social cues and we’re taught at a vicious age that everything that comes naturally to us is wrong. Imagine trying to interact in society with that background. There is no guide and most advice from neurotypical people isn’t actually what they mean. It breaks you down.

Wylan’s anxiety isn’t definitive of autism, but isn’t something that was incredibly familiar as someone whose neurodivergent experiences created a strong level of anxiety.

6 — High Compassion, Low Social Competence

Wylan isn’t very good at making friends. In fact, none of the Crows likes him much in the beginning, and only some of them soften toward him by the end. (Matthias and Nina come to respect his skills as a chemist but neither seems to particularly like him.) But you can see throughout the books that Wylan wants to connect with them and be one of them, he just… isn’t. He’s off-beat. He’s weird. He asks questions and mimics behaviors (trying to be cool and tough like Jesper, saying “mission” like Matthias does, imitating Kaz’s scheming face) but he doesn’t quite get how to adapt.

But he still cares about people. Not just them. Everyone. He cares about the people they leave in the ditch outside the prison wagon, he cares about Hanna Smeet, he cares about Alys. He cares about the people who’ll take a hit from Kaz’s sugar caper.

Wylan’s awkward social skills have undeniable big autism energy. I posit his compassion does as well. This is simply who Wylan is, and that means being someone who cares about everyone. I have nothing to back up that this is related to autism. I can say that it’s like me. (Not to brag.) I can’t turn off the part of my brain that says everyone matters. Individuals can opt out of that compassion, but they have it by default. There’s a certain agony in feeling a pull toward and love for just about everyone and yet an inability to develop meaningful connections with them, and that keen loneliness… it just burns.

Again, it’s not definitive of autism, but it’s very similar to an autistic experience.

I said in the beginning that I didn’t think Wylan certainly had autism and I stand by that, but he is a powerfully honest reflection of many people who do. So he can be understood to have autism, and that’s part of the reason some people have that headcanon.

[doc-pickles]

does it ever drive you crazy, just how fast the night changes

Alex comes back to the loft to see Jo but is met with more than he bargained for.

so i wrote a thing.... i know I've said a million times that I wouldn't write a birth scene but uhhhhh here we are. anyways enjoy... or don't... xoxo nina

It’s dark and stormy outside as Alex approaches the loft, the Seattle winds whipping around him as he jogs up the stairs. The route is familiar, one he’s walked a thousand times before, but it feels different this time. He pauses outside the door, wondering if he should actually knock or not. Finally, he does, knocking twice before stepping back and waiting for Jo’s answer. Her car was parked out front, meaning she was at home and not at the hospital. He knocks a second time, thinking maybe the thunder has made it hard to hear.

“Jo? You home?”

There’s a pause and some shuffling before Jo’s voice floats towards him, “Alex?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” Alex lets out a sigh, leaning his head against the door. “I know you probably don’t want to see me.” “You're right.”

“But I drove all the way from Kansas and I’d really like to see you,” there’s more silence from the other side of the door as thunder rumbles overhead. “You still there?”

“Yeah I’m here,” her voice sounds strained as Alex listens intently. “You left me, what are you doing here now?”

Alex lets out a heavy sigh. He knew she would ask why he had come back after over half a year away but he still didn't feel like his answer justified any of his actions, “Because I messed up Jo. I never should have left, I should’ve told you as soon as I found out about the twins. I should have given you a say in our divorce. There’s a lot of mistakes I made but leaving you was the biggest one.”

“Alex…,” even through the barrier between them Alex can tell that Jo is crying,

“I just realized that while I love being a dad I didn’t want to do that without you by my side,” Alex can hear Jo let out a sob as he leans closer to the door. “Will you let me in please?”

“I’m still mad at you,” Jo clarified.

“I know.”

“The power has been out for three hours and the phone lines are down because of the storm,” Alex can hear Jo unlocking the door, his heart racing. “I haven’t been able to call anyone.”

“Why does-”

“Just… Don’t be mad at me, okay?”

The door finally slides open and Jo and Alex are face to face for the first time in seven months.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

Alex could barely make out Jo’s face with the lack of light but she immediately reaches for his hands, squeezing tightly, “Jesus Christ Jo! What the hell?”

Jo doesn’t answer straight away, doubled over in pain as she lets out a groan, “Just shut up, I’m trying to count and you’re distracting me.” “Count what,” Alex’s question is answered as Jo stands up, taking a step towards him. “Oh… That’s what.”

From the small amount of light in the hallway Alex can clearly see Jo, her eyes wide and questioning as she looks up at him. His eyes drift from her face down her body and rest on her protruding stomach.

“I’ve been in labor for hours but I couldn't call anyone because of the storm,” Jo bites her lip, blinking back tears. “I just figured I could deliver her myself but you showed up right on time.”

Alex only hesitates for a moment before jumping into action as if he’s been preparing for this for nine months and not mere minutes.

“How far apart are your contractions?”

“Six minutes, they have been for almost an hour.”

“Do you have a bag packed?” “In my car.”

Alex makes quick work of grabbing Jo’s keys and locking up the loft before helping Jo downstairs and into the car. They ride in silence for a few minutes before Jo finally speaks up.

“I’m sorry.”

Alex glances over at Jo for a second, watching as she traces her fingers across her stomach, “What could you possibly have to be sorry for?”

“I never called you. I’ve had the better part of seven months to call and tell you,” Jo chokes the words out as a swell of tears forms in her eyes “I knew how you felt about Izzie keeping your kids from you and I was just going to do the same thing. I was ready to raise our daughter alone because I was mad you left! I’m already a terrible mother.”

“You're not a terrible mom Jo,” Alex reaches his hand out to grab Jo’s, squeezing tightly. “And I’m not mad at you.” “You’re not?”

“Of course not,” Alex parks in front of Grey Sloan, killing the engine and turning to Jo. “I know we have a lot to talk about but I think we have more important things to worry about right now.”

Jo nods, taking Alex’s hand that’s reached out towards her. She follows him silently towards the entrance of the hospital, stopping just short of the sliding doors.

“Are you having a contraction?”

Jo shakes her head, pulling Alex closer to her as she stares up at him, “Are you really back? You’re not leaving again?”

“Not without you two. I can’t miss any more of this,” Alex places his hand against Jo’s on her belly, the other one coming up to cup her cheek. “When I said leaving Seattle was my biggest mistake I meant it, baby or not. Leaving you is my biggest regret.”

Without an ounce of hesitation, Jo leans up and presses her lips to Alex’s, a chaste kiss as rain continues to fall around them. Jo pulls back after a moment, leaning her head against Alex as she lets out a groan.

“Let’s get you inside, those have been getting closer.”

Given the storm and the fact that it was almost midnight, they make it to the L&D floor with ease. Carina’s brows furrow as soon as she sees Jo, a reprimand hot on her lips, “Jo you should be at home resting, you’re not on call tonight.” A gasp leaves Carina as she notices Alex standing next to Jo, “Oh! You finally called him?”

“No he just has impeccable timing,” Jo squeezes her eyes shut, leaning forward onto her knees. “My contractions are four minutes apart and I was dilated to an 8 when I checked an hour ago.”

Both Carina and Alex stare at Jo with wide eyes at her revelation. Alex knows she can handle pain well, but he wouldn’t have guessed she was so far along in her labor.

“You should’ve been here hours ago,” Carina chastises as she waves over one of the nurses on the floor. “Can you get Doctor Karev settled in room six?”

“You kept your last name,” there’s a tone of surprise to his voice as Alex settles his hand on Jo’s back, following the nurse down the hall. “I didn’t think you would.”

“I didn’t want to have a different last name than the baby,” Jo shrugs as she takes the hospital gown that the nurse has offered her, slipping into the bathroom to change into it. “And I might have forgotten to file the divorce papers.”

Alex is about to respond when Jo lets out a startled gasp followed by the sound of liquid hitting the floor. Jo waddles out of the bathroom, eyes wide as she and Alex stare silently at each other.

“Was that..?”

“I need to push,” Jo takes a few steps forward, leaning over the hospital bed as she let out a loud groan. “That’s a lot of pressure.” “Let me get Carina.”

“Don’t leave unless you want to miss your daughter being born,” Jo reaches her hand out to stop Alex from leaving, grabbing his hand in her own and squeezing it tightly as she let out a loud groan. “Oh god, you weren’t kidding about the big head thing.”

“No, I wasn’t,” Alex rests his hand against Jo’s back, applying pressure as she let out another pained noise. “What can I do for you?” “Catch.”

Alex moves quickly, barely catching their daughter as Jo gives one final push. Carina walks in then, a chuckle escaping her as she helps Jo knot the bed, “Looks like you started without me. How’s the bambina doing papa?”

“She’s perfect,” Alex lets out a wet laugh as he cradles the baby in his arms, a small cry sounding from her. “She’s absolutely perfect.”

+

“I don’t have a name picked out.”

Alex looks up from the sleeping baby in his arms to Jo who’s just woken up, “Why not?”

“Nothing sounded right,” Jo shrugs, concentrating on her fingers. Alex notices the silver band on her left hand that she’s twirling around nervously. Her wedding band sparkles under the fluorescent lights of the hospital room despite the missing engagement ring it usually sat with. “It didn’t feel right to pick something so important without you.”

“Jo-”

“Not calling you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Every single day since I read that letter I’ve wanted to call you, even more so after I found out I was pregnant,” Jo swipes at the tears collecting on her cheek and it takes everything in Alex to not lean forward and wipe them away himself. “But you left Alex and you never even asked me how I felt.” “I would’ve hopped on the first flight back if you called.” Jo throws her hands up in exasperation, “I didn’t want you to come back just because we have a baby together!”

“It never would have been about that Jo! I love you!”

“Then why? If you love me why did you leave me?”

“Because I was scared,” the baby in his arms stirs but Alex quiets her quickly, lowering his voice when he speaks again. “I was terrified of being a shitty dad and losing you and my kids at the same time. I didn’t want to hurt you, Jo, I never have, but I thought one painful goodbye would be better than months of arguing and heartache and watching the life we created crumble into pieces. I didn’t want that for us, I couldn’t ruin us like that. I wanted to protect you but I ended up hurting both of us in the process and hurting this little one too. I’m sorry Jo, neither of you deserve this. I just ended up becoming the shitty dad and husband I was trying so hard not to be.”

The room is silent as Alex keeps his eyes on the sleeping baby in his arms, not wanting to look at Jo just yet. When he finally does, she has tears running down her cheeks, “Jo I-”

“Come here.”

“Are you gonna hit me?”

“No you idiot, I want to kiss you,” Jo let out a laugh, wiping at her eyes again. “I missed you so much.”

Alex squeezes in next to Jo, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pressing a kiss to her forehead, “What about Juliet?”

“Mmm she does kind of look like a Juliet,” Jo runs her finger across the newborn’s cheek. “How about Juliet Alexandra?”

“I already have one kid named after me, I don’t need another. Besides,” Alex grins as he leans down to press a kiss to Jo’s lips. “You did all the heavy lifting on this one. What about Juliet Brooke?”

Jo silently nods, settling easily into Alex’s embrace as they both stared adoringly at their daughter, “Perfect. Welcome to the world Juliet Brooke Karev. We love you so much already.”

[writewithurheart]

Hearts of Kyber: Part II

a/n: Hello lovely readers!! We’re back for Part 2 of 3! I’m so happy to be able to share this with all of you. And once again check out the work the rest of Crow Squadron has done because it is absolutely FABULOUS.

Corporalki: @kazandthecrows

Materialki: @anubem (art link) @generalstarkov (art link) @pijoshi (art link) @mitdemadlerimherzen (art link | art link 2) @erandraws (art link) @nannadoodles (art link)

Summary: When an Imperial pilot defects, the Rebellion sends its best spies to find out what he knows. They discover the existence of a planet-destroying weapon known as the Death Star and a scientist who holds the secrets to its only weaknesses. Guided by the pilot, Wylan, and a former storm trooper, Matthias, Kaz Brekker leads a team to uncover the secret that can save the Rebellion before it’s crushed for good.

A Grishaverse Rogue One AU for the Grishaverse Big Bang 2021

Read on AO3 or below the cut: 

Part II

Inej wraps her scarf around her head as the shuttle enters the atmosphere to a downpour of rain. She checks her gear. There’s a couple scorch marks from the earlier fight, but everything else is in good repair. It should keep her relatively dry.

Satisfied with her equipment, she turns back to Nina and Matthias. Nina’s fallen asleep on Matthias’s shoulder, exhibiting that her ability to sleep anywhere remains intact.

He looks uncomfortable with everything that’s happening around him. Despite all he’s already shared with them, Matthias still looks unsettled. His hand grips Nina’s, thumb moving in circles against the back of her hand. Inej isn’t even sure he knows he’s doing it. It’s clear that he and Nina have gotten close over the last two years. Inej is happy for her friend. 

Matthias clearly didn’t sign up for this. He leaned on Nina for support through their entire conversation. She’s seen that confusion in contacts they’re trying to turn before. Normally Jesper was the one to help put them at ease. Kaz and Inej had their own modes of gathering information. 

It can be hard to be thrown into a new situation, and Kaz doesn’t exactly ask your opinion before he turns around and questions your entire belief system. Matthias doesn’t seem to regret what he’s shared. He had only floundered when Kaz had asked about the anti-military defenses. He’d moved past it quickly and all the information fits with what they already know about Imperial procedures. 

She moves through the shuttle back to Kaz’s side, leaving Nina and Matthias in their bubble. He’s on the radio to Rebel Command, sequestered in a little corner. She lets him speak as her eyes drift over Jesper in the pilot seat. The Imperial Pilot - Wylan - is pointing out something as the shuttle weaves around rocky pillars. 

It has something to do with radars and detection. Jesper’s the natural choice to fly, better with the quick maneuvers than anyone else on their crew. Inej leans against the wall and watches the rain through the windshield. 

Kaz finishes his report and turns back to her. He looks tired, his face tight and drawn. They’ve worked together long enough that she can recognize his expressions. He’s shutting down his emotions right now. Whatever they’ve said isn’t something he’s pleased with. 

She tilts her head. “What did they say?” 

His hand curls into a fist. “They want to send a strike team.” 

Inej’s gut clenches at the thought. In the last three years, they’ve, collectively, done terrible things for the Rebellion. They’re the team that gets their hands dirty and keeps the Rebellion well-informed. This weapon - the Death Star - is greater than any other threat they’ve ever faced. She honestly doesn’t know how they’ll face it without more information, which can only be found on Eadu according to Wylan. 

“What’s the play?” she asks. 

He taps his fingers on the head of this cane. He doesn’t look at her as he works through his problem. “They think it’s too risky to leave the scientists alive. We only have a couple hours before they arrive. If there is information, we have to get it before they get here.” 

Inej runs her hand over one of her blades as she considers the change to the plans. “That’s cutting it rather close.” 

He finally looks at her. He doesn’t say anything but he can tell by the look in his eyes that he knows it’s going to be difficult, but that she can do it. 

Inej pulls out her knife and starts to spin it as she thinks about how this changes their plans. “We can’t fight our way in. It would take too much time.” 

Kaz nods. 

“Me, Jes and Matthais,” Inej says firmly, nodding at her own thoughts. Kaz’s brain has to be on the outside if something goes wrong. Wylan is a liability: someone might recognize him. Nina would be an asset but they need Matthias’s understanding of base layout and protocol more. 

“Get the information and get out.” Kaz rubs a gloved hand across his jaw. “If the scientist slows you down…” 

Inej stops the spin of her knife and looks at Kaz. His meaning hits her. He wants her to kill the scientist if necessary. It needles her. He’s never asked her to kill before. It’s always been a matter of survival: fighting because there was no other way out of the situation. He and Jesper are always the ones who carry out of assassination assignments. 

She swallows thickly. 

“I can tell Jesper,” he offers. If he was a soft man, the words might even be tender, but Kaz Brekker has never been soft. 

“He might be the only one with the information,” Inej counters. Her hand lifts to the necklace around her neck. “Force knows we need to find a way to destroy that weapon.” 

He gives her a look. She knows he doesn’t believe in the Force even a little. He prefers to put his faith in his own mind. He also puts an extraordinary amount of faith in her, to the point of being dangerous, bewildering and exasperating. He believes in her and that’s heady, but it’s also exhausting because it’s not like he would ever admit it. 

He watches her for a moment, eyes boring into her soul. 

“We’ve got this, Kaz.” She assures him. She takes a deep breath to breathe in the will of the Force, like her mother once taught her. She doesn’t want to hear his reservations or doubts, because she knows he won’t say them and she doesn’t want this to drag on.  

“Keep your comms open,” he instructs. “We’ll be your eyes on the outside. We won’t be able to call off the airstrike.” 

She takes a deep breath and grips her necklace. She can do this. She’s choosing to do this. 

“It’s now or never,” Jesper announces, jumping out of the pilot seat. He checks his weapons and glances at Kaz and Inej. With his raised eyebrow, Inej realizes just how close they’ve gotten in the little alcove and takes a small step back. “You get in touch with Herr Peskal?” 

Kaz nods. 

“And?” 

“We have ninety minutes.” 

Jesper nods. His brows furrowed. “Any leeway in that?” 

“Should be more than enough time,” Kaz says instead, walking away towards the back. 

Jesper looks back at her, consternation written into his features. 

Inej releases her necklace. “We have to get the information and get out. There’s a strike team on it’s way.” She tightens the band on her braid and tucks it into her hood. 

He pulls on his own poncho. “Kill protocols?” Jesper checks his pistols as he asks the question. When it takes too long for her to answer, he looks up at her. 

“We get the information. If the scientist slows us down…,” she can’t finish the statement. Jesper’s eyes are soft as he nods, understanding what she can’t say. It’s silly that she still has these hang-ups. 

“Got it,” Jesper says. He slides his pistols back into their holsters and covers them with his poncho. 

Inej nods and moves to the hatch. Kaz stands beside the door and looks out. She stands beside him as they look out into the dark rain. He leans toward her, as close as he can be without touching. She meets his eyes. His eyes are heavy with determination about what needs to happen. In the years since she’s known Kaz, she’s seen him trade his soul for the Rebellion over and over again. He shut down his feelings under a layer of armor too thick for anything to penetrate. It’s a rare moment when she can read the depth of his emotions in his eyes. It’s only when he’s concerned about her or Jesper, not that he’d ever admit that. 

At times like this, she wishes she was the kind of person who was more comfortable with touch. She reaches out slowly and clasps his fingers. His eyes drop to her fingers and squeeze hers briefly. His eyes meet hers with the silent order to take care of herself. Inej nods in understanding and then steps back to flip her hood over her head. 

“We’re out.” 

She hears Matthias and Jesper follow her out into the rain. Their longer legs overtake her quickly and she falls into step with them easily enough.  

It turns out the infiltration itself is easy enough. According to Matthais, this base isn’t a military target and is isolated enough that they’re about to sneak in through an air vent. Or Inej is able to. The boys are reluctant to fit themselves into the vents. 

She crawls along to a control panel and allows Matthias to talk her through rerouting the cameras so they loop the current footage. It’s a crude set up but that’s all they have time and prep for. She uses the same panel to open the door for Jesper and Matthias. She sticks to the vents and drops into an empty lab based on directions she pulled from the system. 

“Kaz, who is it we’re looking for?” She asks the comm. 

“Bo Yul-Bayur.” His voice scratches over the open comm. “At least that’s what it sounds like. The pilot’s brain is still scrambled from Bor Gullet.”

She pulls up the scientist directory on a nearby screen and scrolls through the information. “He’s not in the main labs. They look empty. Jes, Matthias, got anything?” 

“It looks like there’s some sort of meeting on the main landing pad,” Matthias answers. 

“Got all the big brass and everything,” Jesper mutters. “They’re still gathering. This is the time to grab the scientist.” 

Inej starts opening cabinets in the room to see if she can find a spare uniform or a lab coat, anything that will help her blend in as she searches the halls for this Yul-Bayur she needs to locate. She’s about to despair when she notices a cubby on the far side of the room with something hanging on it. 

The white coat is a pretty good fit, if a little large on her slight frame. She only takes a moment to note that difference before her eyes land on a small picture that was hidden behind the hanging coat. It’s a holodisc, cleverly hidden that wouldn’t be visible in another light, but that’s not what stops the breath in Inej’s chest. She recognizes the photo and her own eyes staring up at her from the center, wrapped in her mother’s arms with her brother perched on her back. 

She hasn’t seen her family since she was stolen away. This means… 

The name tag on the jacket confirms her suspicion: Ghafa. 

A memory returns of a cold steel building where she used to play with a ship and where her father met with important men. She’s too young to care what’s going on, but she remembers the frigidity of it all. Nothing like the caravan and the acrobats which had always felt like home. She remembers that well. But not the before, not the time when her dad…

Whoosh 

The door opens and Inej throws herself toward the nearest workspace in the hopes that she can look busy, knowing the jacket should be enough camouflage that she doesn’t need to hide in the limited shadows. 

“Hey! You there! What are you doing at my desk?” 

The voice is a chill that runs up her spine. She’d been so sure that he was dead. That her father was lost that day when the troopers came to the caravan. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined he was alive, that he had been taken. 

Inej slowly turns around. There’s a suspicious burning in the back of her eyes as she finally lays on her father. He stiffens with a soft gasp when he finally gets a look at her face. They stand there in silence for a drawn out minute, staring at each other with open wonder. 

“I-I-Inej?” 

Her words are lost as tears start to fall so all she can manage is a jerky nod before she flings herself into his open arms and gives herself over to the joy of her father coming back to life. 

<hr> 

Kaz doesn’t do well when he can’t plan for all the variables on a mission. He scowls and glares out the windshield of the ship at the rain that thuds down on the clear screen. There’s nothing but darkness and rain outside. The comms have gone quiet as Jesper, Matthias, and Inej infiltrate the base. He’s not happy with hastily thrown together plans, even when it’s their only chance to snatch up invaluable information. He’d prefer this to have more finesse. 

Wylan Van Eck beside him still twitches nervously in his seat. His eyes are wide in perpetual shock, as if he can’t believe what his life is or how he got there. He’s going to have to get over that quickly. Kaz doesn’t have time to hold his hand. Whether he knows it or not, the pilot likely has valuable information given his relation to a relatively well-known commander of the Empire. Although whatever the Shu did to him seems to be taking its toll. 

It’s unfortunate. 

Nina finally moves from the back of the ship. In the screen, Kaz watches her stretch to wake up from her nap, as if this was just a normal turn of events. They’re going to have to talk about the last two years and her stay on Jedha, but again, that’s not the priority, not right now. Obviously, she did her thing and convinced a Druskelle to change ranks. It still makes her motivations now unknown. 

Kaz looks over the radar even though he knows the strike team is still a while out. He doesn’t like having nothing to do while his team does the difficult work. His mind is on Plan Q of this improvised operation. He dislikes the amount of variables and his role as back up. It would be irresponsible to leave anyone else with the ship. No one else would be able to make the call to leave if it came to that. 

“What’s got your panties in a twist, Brekker?” Nina asks from behind him. She’s managed to find some supply of sweets on this ship that he didn’t even realize was there. 

Her question prompts Wylan to observe him, snapping him from whatever reverie he found himself in. 

“There wasn’t much time to plan. It’s too sloppy.” It’s too risky. Kaz isn’t convinced that it’s worth the amount being risked. He doesn’t trust hearsay and rumors and fickle scientists. This could easily be a trap. 

“It’s more than that. The Force moves differently around those who are preparing to kill.” 

The pilot jerks in alarm. “What?” 

Kaz looks at Nina, projecting his own blank face. He’d forgotten how annoying her perceptiveness could be. Blasted Force-users. 

“Jesper was prepared to kill. Even Inej-”

“We’ve got a problem.” 

Kaz sits up and leans into the console at Jesper’s voice. “Talk to me.” 

“The scientist we were sent to get. He’s gone.” 

Kaz frowns. “What do you mean he’s gone?” 

“As in, dragged away screaming in front of a cadre of his own scientists and his son,” Jesper reports. There’s a voice too far away for the comm to pick up, which tells him the son is right there. “Kuwei says he knows how to destroy the device. But he won’t tell us until we’re off planet.” 

Kaz glances at the clock. They have time. “Wraith, report.” Each moment of silence screams that something is terribly wrong. “Wraith.” 

“She was in the labs,” Jesper reports. 

“They should be mostly clear by now,” Matthias adds. “We can pick her up on the way out. They don’t have much in the way of holding cells if she was captured.” 

“Because they’re more likely to shoot first than stop and ask questions,” Kaz surmises, an observation that isn’t immediately countered which does nothing to assuage his worry. Not that there’s any reason to be concerned about the Wraith. Inej is too good to be captured. 

“There would have been an alarm raised.” Matthias’s voice is hard. “They’re already on high alert. Jesper should take Kuwei back to the ship. I can blend in better on my own.” 

Kaz grits his teeth. It’s not ideal. Ideally his people need to be out of there but they need to know how to destroy the Death Star. “Do it.” 

Nina reaches past him to slam her hand against the control. “Alright, Brekker. Out with it.” 

She leans against the console and stares him down. Kaz looks blankly back at her. He didn’t miss dealing with Nina on a regular basis. She always struggled with the grey areas of their jobs, the ones where you had to make the tough calls. She liked to rely on the Force, on a higher power. Kaz prefers to rely on his own intelligence. 

“Who are you planning to kill, Kaz,” she enunciates, getting into his face. 

“No one.” Technically true now. The plan to kill the scientist is moot if they need him. The Rebel strike team is the more pressing concern at this time. 

“Don’t bullshit me. If anything happens to Matthias...” 

“You know that any infiltration has some amount of risk.” At this point, the risk is with Inej. If she can, she’ll get out of there. 

“There’s something more at play here.” 

Kaz glances at the time. “We need to know how to destroy the Death Star. That takes priority.” 

“Priority over what, Brekker?” 

He looks at her. “We also need to know they can never create another one.” 

Nina pales. 

“There’s a strike called in for the base.” 

“Well, then call it off. They can blow it up from the inside or something.” 

 He bats her hand away as she reaches for the comms. “We don’t have the explosives for that. Nor the time.” 

“The alarm’s been raised. We’re coming out hot.” 

Kaz’s blood freezes in his veins. That’s Jesper, not Matthias or Inej. That means they’ll have to take off quickly without hope of waiting it out for any stragglers. Nina meets his gaze in a challenge. He flips a button and the engines start up. He turns to Wylan in the copilot seat. “Can you fly us out of here?” 

He nods jerkily and reaches forward to start checks. Kaz bodily inserts himself between Nina and the cockpit. He has to lean heavily on his cane as he pushes back to the loading bay and opens the door. 

“Matthias-” Nina forces her way past him to jam on the button. Kaz smacks it off with his cane. 

“Inej will get them out if she can. We need to prepare.” 

“You bastard! I will never forgive you for this, Brekker.” 

His jaw clenches. Inej would never forgive him if he faltered on his path.  

“I’m going after them.” Nina rushes out the open door. Jesper arrives with an unknown entity in view. 

He can’t afford to wait for her. “Prepare for take off,” he shouts to Wylan as Jesper drags the scientist onto the space ship. 

The scientist collapses onto the bench, breathing heavily. Jesper looks back, pointing over his shoulder where Nina disappeared into the rain. “Where’s she going?” 

Kaz scowls. “She refused to leave her partner behind.” 

“Inej?” 

“Plan J,” Kaz responds. It’s his standard response when things go wrong. It’s their shorthand for ‘she’s going to find her own way out’.  

“We’ve got incoming,” Wylan shouts from the front. Jesper slams the door and dashes to the cockpit. The ship is his baby. 

“It’s the alliance,” Jesper calls. 

Kaz breathes out. He turns away from the door. “Get us out of here.” 

<hr> 

The alarm blares through the compound. Matthias listens to the sirens. Unless they’ve changed the signals, it’s the intruder alarm. Either Inej or Jesper has been found. He sighs and adjusts his suit, tugging at his borrowed uniform so it sits straight. It’s been two years and the outfit that once felt like a second skin now feels stiff and constraining. 

A platoon of troopers races past Matthias, down the hallway in the opposite direction. He overhears their leader shout about an unknown man with Lab Assistant Al Bul. Not that he has any idea where Inej might be. 

He heads towards the labs, nodding to officers as he marches along. He sticks his head into the various rooms. He lifts his hand to the silent comm. 

“Inej? Report?” 

He sees two scientists pulled from a lab in front of them. Only one is dressed in standard Imperial research regalia, the other just has a white overcoat. He vaguely recognizes the slight figure of Inej as she lurks slightly behind the scientist. 

“You’re supposed to be in the main hangar, Ghafa.” 

Matthias freezes. He knows that voice. It’s the same voice who trained him, the one that took him under his wing and trained him to take his place. Jarl Brum was the man who was a father figure since he was an adolescent. He’s the one he spent the last two years considering trying to contact. 

“Of course, Commander Brum. My assistant and I just had to finish one last computation. The captain didn’t communicate the urgency of the situation when he came by earlier.” The man sounds as polite and rational as any might be. 

“You know better than that, Ghafa. My second says he saw you on your way to the hangar when the announcement went up. You stopped. And who is your assistant? I don’t recall seeing this one around before.” 

Matthias curses. Inej isn’t sneaking under the radar. She’s not getting out of here clean, not when they’re already on high alert about a trespasser. The display in the hangar would imply that they know they have a leak, and Jarl Brum is the type to shoot first and then brutally interrogate. Leaving her is not an option. 

He drops his hand to the gun at his side and sighs. Two years ago, this wouldn’t be a consideration. He would turn himself over to Brum and gladly share everything he knew, use that knowledge to ingratiate himself to his pseudo-father. But that was before Jedha, before he witnessed what survival on the street looked like, before he learned what citizens of the Empire would consent to live under rather than suffer Imperial rule. 

He glances down the hallway and sees only one man at Brum’s side. The rest of the hallway is clear, but there’s no guarantee it will stay that way for long. Matthias looks down and sets his blaster to stun. He carefully doesn’t allow himself to think for too long. The first shot goes wide as Matthias readjusts to the Imperial blaster. He readjusts instinctually and the second shot hits the soldier in the middle of his forehead. 

Brum, with typical arrogance, doesn’t even reach for his blaster as he turns to look down the hallway. He blinks in shock as he recognizes Matthias. It couldn’t be too difficult now that he’s finally back in the Imperial uniform. 

“Matthias Helvar? My son, you’ve returned.” He turns away from the scientist. 

Inej has pushed the scientist behind her. She looks nervous as she glances between Matthais and Brum. 

“I’m not your son.” He might be a little defensive on that point seeing as he barely has the trust of this heist team. “We’re going.” 

Inej moves, keeping herself between the scientist and Brum as she pushes him further down the wall. Matthias doesn’t remove his eyes from Brum. 

Brum turns to face Matthias fully. “It’s good to see you. We thought you were lost when you landed on Jedha. You look well.” He takes a deep breath as Matthias starts to back away down the hallway. “You know you won’t get away. The entire base is looking for you.” 

He doesn’t dignify the statement with a response. He could shoot Brum right now, slide the gun from stun to kill. It would cement his change of allegiance. His finger hovers over the trigger for a moment. The hesitation costs him. Troopers round the corner. They waste no time in firing once they see Matthias pointing his weapon at Brum. He ducks and rounds the corner, firing back as he glances over at Inej.

“We need to go. Where’s Jesper?” Inej says from where she crouches beside him.

“He went ahead with the scientist,” Matthias replies. “They’re the ones who set off the alarm.” 

She scowls and glances around. “Where’s the hangar?” 

He pauses in firing. “The opposite direction from where the transport is. We need to go back the other way.” 

“No,” Inej counters. “Jesper and the scientist are back at the shuttle. That means they’re gone. We need alternate transport. Dad?” 

“What do you mean?” Matthias frowns. “They wouldn’t leave…” He’s cut off as the man gestures down the hall. Inej starts to move. Matthias hits his head against the wall. Of course they’re going to do something not in the plan. It’s what he should expect from an undisciplined bunch.

“They had no choice,” Inej whispers. She pulls a blaster on approaching troopers, causing them to drop back to avoid blasters. 

Matthias fires off a couple more shots as they race through the hallways. He curses in Fjerdan as they run. Stupid demon spies with unorthodox plans and no communication skills. “What are you talking about?” 

“There’s a strike team coming. They’re going to blow this base with us in it if we don’t get off planet now.” Inej’s voice is calm. 

When they get out of here, Matthias is going to have some strong words with Kaz Brekker about his asinine plans and the danger he puts his people in. “We’re going to the private hangar. The main one will be too crowded. It’s where they gathered the scientists earlier. Brum’s transport should be on his level.” 

He smashes open the door to an elevator. He lets Inej and the scientist in before him and then slams on the button to the correct floor as he remembers it. Finally he glances at the scientist and then to Inej. “I thought we wanted Yul-Bayur?” 

Inej shifts. It would almost be nervous except she looks completely unapologetic. 

“Why do you want him?” 

Matthias doesn’t speak. He has no idea who this scientist is and isn’t about to divulge secret information. 

“The Death Star,” Inej says, turning to face the man. 

He pales. “They finished it?” 

“How do you know about it?” Matthias crosses his arms, but his eyes follow the indicator on the elevator as they close in on their target. The door opens directly to the flight platform which is blessedly empty of guards. He stands with one foot out so the door won’t close and face the scientist. 

“I worked on it.” 

“We got word from a pilot that there was a way to destroy it.” 

Inej is too trusting. Matthias is ready to leave. 

“Yes, but how do you know this?” The man asks. “I was unable to pass that information along.” 

“You?” Inej laughs, throwing her head back and then throws her arms around the man. “Of course you did, Papa.”

That finally connects the dots for Matthias. He can’t let himself get distracted. If this is the scientist which has the information they need, then they need to get out of here even more now. He turns toward Brum’s personal shuttle. There are two other ships in close proximity - his guard ships. But they only need one. 

“Come on,” Matthias interrupts as he starts toward the main shuttle. 

Inej turns around and stabs one of her knives into the control panel, effectively destroying it in a single motion. It’s clever. He should have thought of it, should have realized. But the more important goal is to get out of here. 

Halfway across the tarmac, Matthias hears the shot. 

Inej’s scream pierces the air and the world stops as he spins around to see her father collapse to the ground. 

<hr>

 Nina regrets her choice as soon as she steps out into the cold, lashing rain. The wind rips at her braided hair. It slaps against her face and lands askew. Her boots are filled with water through the little leaks she never bothered to patch while living on Jedha. It was unnecessary on a desert planet, after all. 

Her robes whip around her and the darkness blinds her to her surroundings. Nina shuts her eyes and lets the Maker guide her steps on the uneven terrain. She knows Inej and Matthias are likely fine on their own. Something calls her forward. It demands she walk into the abyss. It’s a call she’s used to answering. 

She’s helpless to fight it. 

Nina learned it’s best to trust these moments of intuition, even as it annoys Zoya, Kaz, Matthias, and everyone she’s ever served with. It’s part of her unique times. 

The door to the base is ajar, likely propped open for breaks for onsite personnel, the kind that balks protocol and that is largely unknown save by those who frequent it. The site is abandoned in favor of responding to the intruder alarm. The door opens inward to soldier barracks and Nina quickly sheds her robes to change into the standard armor of a foot soldier, unnoticeable in the best of times. It’s the perfect disguise. 

The helmet is almost suffocating as she drops it over her head. The visor allows her startlingly little light to see by, probably as troopers are to be feared rather than effective. Nina lifts her bladder and proceeds into the hallway, falling into step with troopers moving rapidly in one direction. 

“Intruders at the West Entrance. Assistance has been requested.” 

“Belay that order. Platoon B divert to General Brum.” 

Nina follows the example of the troopers around her and salutes to the man who orders their change in objective. She’s part of the Rebellion. She knows the name Brum. Apprehension sends a shiver down her spine at the name of the man famous for rooting out and murdering Rebel spies. That Matthias served directly under him only adds to her anxiety. 

Brum himself meets her new platoon at the elevator with a scowl. It’s the first time Nina has ever seen the man in person but the frosty expression is reminiscent of her first days in Jedha with Matthias in his Druskelle idiocy. He stands stiff and tall, frosty in a way that Nina thinks he never learned to smile. 

“Intruders are headed to my private shuttle. Detaining them alive is preferable. Dead is acceptable. One former Druskelle, one girl, and Scientist Ghafa. THey must not be allowed to escape.” 

Again they salute with terrifying synchronicity. 

“Two of you, with me,” he orders as he steps into the lift. “The rest of you, take the stairs.” 

Thank the Force, Nina finds herself nearest the elevator doors and she steps in alongside another faceless trooper. One the ride, she focuses on her breath instead of her proximity to the man known to have murdered her comrades. Idly she wonders if her breath could fog up the inside of her helmet, if her breath was labored enough. 

She exits the lift alongside the other trooper, finger carefully on the trigger. She calls on the Force to protect Matthias and Inej. Briefly, she considers turning on Brum but the Force screams at her to follow this course of action. She doesn’t understand but she trusts it to guide her in her actions. 

There are already troopers on the platform, firing on Matthias, Inej and the scientist. She swore Jesper was the one with the scientist, not Inej. She watches as the scientist falls to a well-placed shot. Her resolve to listen to the Force almost breaks when she realizes that Inej and Matthias aren’t going to reach the shuttle without further casualties. A moment later, the Rebel spy ship emerges from the darkness of Eadu and rains down shots to cover their retreat. 

The troopers move for cover as Matthais and Inej carry the scientist over their shoulders and race for the ship. It looks almost comical - a man strung between the tall Matthias and the tiny Inej. Nina herself isn’t pleased at the arrival of the ship she swears she just saw fly off with the intent to leave them behind. 

It would appear Kaz and Inej are still doing the same circular dance of flirtation without addressing their own issues and feelings. 

“Bring that ship down!” Brum screams, as if the troopers’ meagre blasters could somehow penetrate the ship’s shield. 

“If I may, sir,” NIna says tentatively enough while still playing the obedient trooper. One with a brain. “Perhaps pursuit would be more successful.” 

Brum stares a moment before he once again starts barking orders. It looks like she’s getting off this rock anyway. The Force still has some use for her after all.

<hr>

They were out. They were minutes from freedom. 

The words are on repeat in her head as Inej drops to the ground beside her father. Rain soaks through her clothes as she pulls her father into her lap. His hand wraps around hers with surprising strength. In the background, she can hear Matthias shouting, the pew pew pew of blaster fire, and then something that sounds like Kaz’s rasp which makes no sense. They should have taken off by now, maybe even be out of the atmosphere. 

“Stardust,” her father whispers. His hand reaches up to brush dripping wet hair from where it hangs in her face. “Scarif...you must go to Scarif…” 

“You’re coming with us,” she whispers. Tears blur her eyes as she tries a watery smile. A hand grips her shoulder and abruptly the rest of the world comes back into sharp relief. She feels each drop of rain from the sky, the sizzle of hot laser blasts hitting water, and Jesper’s plea for her to move. “I’m not leaving him!” 

Matthias grumbles in a different language as he fires off another couple of shots. Jesper circles Inej to throw her father’s arm over his shoulders. Inej rushes to help her. Her father grunts as they shift him. He’s too injured to help them as they half carry, half drag him towards the shuttle. 

Kaz would have her head if he knew they were risking everything to bring her father with them. Her orders were to get the scientist out of there. If Jesper already got one, then they could have left her father behind. It’s her sentimentality. That’s what he would blame it on. 

Inej’s free hand wraps around the necklace tied around her throat. For so long it was the only memento she had of her family. She prays to the Force, to the long forgotten religion of her people as she staggers under her father’s weight. They can do this. 

Her feet land on a metal incline and Inej pushes herself to get to the flat of the ship. Matthias slams on the button to close the doors and Jesper slips out from his position holding Inej’s father up to race to the cockpit.

Only Inej’s superior sense of balance and upper body strength allow her to keep her father from dropping to the floor. Kaz slides over to take Jesper’s place as the shuttle leaves the tarmac. It rocks dangerously as they get her father to a bench. He groans as he lands hard on the unforgiving surface. 

“Matthias, I need you on the guns!” 

Inej blocks it all out as she focuses on her father, drinking in the lines on his face. “I’m here, Dad. We’re gonna help you.” Her eyes land on a med kit Kaz drops beside her. She throws it open to gaze at the contents they haven’t replenished in far too long. She rips his jacket open to find where the blaster shot landed. Her father’s hands fumble to help her only to still her hands. She frowns and looks up at him. 

“Papa-” 

“Listen, Stardust. The Death Star. There’s a way to stop it. A weakness…exhaust port...plans are on Scarif...your mother…” 

“You need to save your strength,” Inej whispers. His hands fall from hers, suddenly weightless. With one hand Inej claws through the med kit, her hands landing on bacta patches. She pulls his shirt back and desperately presses the medication to the wound. 

“You can’t leave me like this, Papa. I just got you back. I can’t lose you again. Not like this. I need you. You’ve got to meet Jesper...and Kaz. Jesper will make you laugh like you’ve never laughed before. Kaz is a bit harder but I think you’ll like how much he cares. He’s been looking for you, you know. You’re going to be okay.” 

She scrambles for the serum that will put him in stasis until they make it back to base. If there’s a chance to save him, it will happen there. Tears are hot on her cheeks. Inej presses her lips to his hands. They don’t grip hers back as he succumbs to the serum. His whole body goes slack under her hands, his eyes shut. The fight slips away from him. Inej loses her own battle and sobs in earnest. One hand finds her father’s pulse. Tension weeps from her body as she feels the faint flutter under her fingers. He’s still alive for now.

The motion of the shuttle smoothes out as the shuttle goes into lightspeed. 

“Inej-” 

Kaz’s voice is cut off as she looks back up at him. She stares at him, finally processing what his presence here means. “You came back.”

Inej forces a deep breath and pulls back from her father. She swipes at the tears on her face. Air won’t come easily. She wrestles with it as Kaz kneels beside her. Matthias returns from where he was manning the weapons. With surprising gentleness, he arranges Inej’s father on the bench, and checks his pulse again. He checks the bacta pack and nods. Inej rises to her feet and takes deep breaths. She tries to reboot her mind, to get it to focus on what the next step is. There’s something she need to be doing but all she can think about is what she just found that was then almost ripped unceremoniously from her grasp. 

They must have done it: gotten away from Eadu in one piece. Her eyes drift from her friends, her heart swelling with warmth only for her gaze to land on the newcomer. She feels ugly emotion rise in her chest as her eyes take in this scientist who was allowed to just walk away while her father is…

Inej can’t finish the thought. She shakes her head, and turns back to Kaz. There’s so much she wants to say, to ask about. The ship should have been gone and they came back. Kaz’s gloved hand slips into hers and he squeezes it. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t do anything else, but it feels like the world has shifted with that one singular motion. 

Her father is dead, but that will not be where this story ends.

<hr> 

Wylan’s hands are steady on the controls as he steers the ship into the landing field of the Rebel base. His breath is uneven in his chest and his heart feels like a jackhammer as he fears what this group will do to his already fractured psyche. He’s gotten better in the last few days - miles better than whatever it is Bor Gullet did to his brain on Jedha. It’s like his brain and body had to relearn how to communicate. 

He hasn’t told anyone that the symbols on the controls and all his displays are illegible to his mind. Struggling with reading isn’t new to him. It was one of those things his father despaired of before he shipped Wylan off to the flight academy, enraged that his son would never be an Imperial officer. Now the screens hurt his eyes. 

It doesn’t matter. He’s trained himself to fly without the assistance. It just gets in the way of good pilots most of the time. Jesper leans forward and looks over the screens, then glances at Wylan. He raises an eyebrow and falls backwards into his chair with an impressed whistle. 

“You’re not even reading the specs, are you? Are you some kind of super pilot?” 

Wylan glances sideways as he lowers the landing gear. He shrugs vaguely. The way Jesper is looking at him sends a shiver down his spine. It’s a loaded glance. He doesn’t want to look too deeply at what it means, doesn’t want to jump to conclusions about what he’s thinking. Any flirting is in his own head. 

“That’s hot.” 

Or not. Wylan frowns at him as he powers down the plane. “Are you serious, right now?” 

Jesper winks, and throws him a devilish smirk. “What can I say? Competence is a turn on.” 

“Stop flirting.” Kaz’s voice breaks through the fog in Wylan’s brain as he briefly forgets how to think. “We need to report.” 

“Aye, aye, captain,” Jesper throws back as he jumps to his feet.

“You’re ridiculous,” Wylan informs him. 

“Welcome to the Rebellion, Sunshine. Let’s go!” With more enthusiasm than he thinks is warranted, Jesper propels Wylan in front of him and out onto the dry base. He receives some interested looks, but not so many as the floating stretcher escorted by Inej and Matthias as it races into the base. 

“Will Pavel Ghafa be okay?” He asks, staring at the stretcher as it disappears. 

Jesper and Kaz both turn to look at him. Wylan wants to shrink away from their gaze. 

“How do you know Inej’s father?” Kaz demands. 

Wylan tilts his head. So that’s what he missed while flying the plane. “He was nice to me. None of the other scientists would speak to me. They…” They thought he was stupid. His first day on base, his father had made a point of shoving his face in everything he couldn’t understand by bringing him to the science labs. The joke was on him because Wylan could understand parts of it, even if he couldn’t read anything. Scientist Ghafa was the only one who noticed. Afterwards, he was the only one who continued to talk to him. “He taught me how to blow things up.” 

Jesper grins. “Damn. I like him already.” 

“Is he going to make it?” Wylan asks. 

“Did he ever tell you about his work? Anything about the Death Star?” 

Wylan pauses and tries to think about their past interactions. The memories stall. He sighs and shakes his head. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. He always told me to be careful, to keep my head down. I’m sorry. I don’t know.” 

Kaz nods and turns away. He makes a bee-line for a man and a woman, both waiting by the entrance to the base. The two of them are standing still while the rest of the base moves around them. It takes a special sort of power. 

Wylan looks over at Jesper and then past him to Al Bul. Kuwei had never been particularly kind to him, or mean, really. He doesn’t know much about him at all. He wasn’t happy with the way he was coerced into helping them get rescued, largely because he ended up being interrogated by Bor Gullet. Turns out the Shu weren’t too happy with the potential ability to get back two of their own citizens. Wylan would have appreciated that knowledge before he landed in Jedha to a hostile situation. 

“Don’t worry. We’ll get this solved.” Jesper nods at something Kaz conveys with a quick hand signal. His hand moves from Wylan’s shoulder with a quick squeeze. It lands heavily on Kuwei’s shoulder and pushes him forward. “Come on, Kiwi. We got you out, so now it’s your turn to cough up what you know.” 

<hr> 

The universe is a perpetual joke. 

Jesper plays with the settings on his blasters as he sits in the dark corner of HQ while voices rise and fall in impassioned debate. Kuwei, for all his supposed knowledge, can only tell them that there’s a critical weakness in the Death Star’s defenses. It’s in the plans, which he thinks he can create from memory. The leaders of the Resistance are far less trusting of this information. Spymaster Per Haskell is angry that he’s devoted so many resources on a dead end. Inej is pushing for an expedition to Scarif, where she can recover the plans. According to her, her father knows the plans are there. Genya seems interested in the plan, but the majority of the people present are convinced of the futility of the prospect. 

They’d rather continue along their familiar routes of information gathering. Even from across the room, Jesper can tell Kaz is going to follow Inej on this. That boy will move worlds to get her what she wants. 

Jesper gets to his feet and walks away from the noise of the room. He’d better get their ride ready. Wylan Van Sunshine is the only one to recognize his exit and he falls into step with Jesper.  

“What are you planning?” 

Jesper shrugs. “What makes you think I’m planning anything?” 

“The demjin would not give in so easily.” 

His head whips around to his other side where Matthias is now standing, face set in a scowl. “I’m going to put a bell on you.” They both continue to stare at him. “Stop that. There’s no plan.” 

“There’s a plan,” Wylan says, looking at Matthias. 

“Of course, there’s a plan.” Matthias agrees. “Nina’s on Scarif.” 

Jesper laughs. “That’s quite a leap.” 

“She’s on Scarif,” Matthias repeats. 

Jesper shakes his head. There’s no possible way he can know that. There’s a whole galaxy out there where she could be, and that’s if she got off the planet. The poor guy is delusional. “Look, I know it sucks that we left her behind. The odds of her surviving the strike are not great.” 

“Brum’s shuttle left after us. It survived the strike. She was on that ship.” Matthias says tightly. 

“I want Nina to be alive just as much as you do, but there’s no way you can know that.” Jesper squints at Matthias, trying to determine what Matthias actually knows and what is just him trying to will into being.

Matthias gets a pained look on his normally stoic face. He looks up at the sky, as if he can’t believe what he’s about to say. “I would feel it if she were dead.” 

Jesper looks at Wylan, glad to see that he’s just as lost as Jesper is. Jesper runs a hand over the back of his neck with a sigh. As much as he would love to continue his unbelieving attitude, Jesper knows the truth resonates in Matthias’s words. Nina’s alive and somehow is going to be exactly where she needs to be, but Matthias isn’t in contact with her. He’s just got faith. “I hope you’re right, soldier boy.” 

“Please tell me there is actually a plan,” Matthias answers. His face is all scowly. 

“Plans are a turn on for you, aren’t they?” Jesper speculates as he looks the soldier over. “How does that work out with you and Nina?” She’s the least rule-following person he knows. She likes to improvise too much when the Force speaks to her. 

Matthias doesn’t answer. He just narrows his eyes at Jesper’s tone. Jesper bites back a smirk. He’d bet good money that the reason it works is because they’re both soldiers, who are loyal and stubborn as hell. Helvar doesn’t seem like a complete dick, and exactly Nina’s type. He really does hope he’s right about Nina. 

Jesper pushes past them both and walks towards the mess hall, where he knows the intelligence agents who are on base spend their down time. Unlike many operatives who find ways to work the Rebel insignia into their uniforms, the intelligence agents are a paranoid bunch who value their identity too much to risk their allegiance being revealed, even a Rebel base. 

Generally, the intelligence agents are known as spies or The Dregs. Kaz calls them the Crows because they go out in the galaxy and collect shiny bits of information which they hoard and return in the hopes that it might turn out to be valuable. They don’t often work in large groups but they can recognize each other. Wylan and Matthias trail behind him as he walks across the way to Rotty, who’s sitting alone and staring into his mug. 

He looks up as Jesper drops into the seat across from him. His eyes take in the three of them, assessing even as he looks half asleep. That’s part of his charm. People underestimate him. He takes them in, looks around the room and then leans forward. “This about the meeting happening right now?” 

Rotty’s good at connecting dots. 

Jesper shrugs as if to say “what can you do”. 

Rotty throws the rest of his drink back and drops his mug on the table. “Is the intelligence worth it?” 

Jesper runs a hand along this jaw and the stubble that’s starting to grow as he looks around, glancing at Wylan and Matthias. “We have confirmation the information’s on Scarif. Nina’s on the inside.” 

Rotty blinks in surprise. “Nina? Zenik? I thought…” He looks at Matthias. “So the rumors about Jedha?” 

“All true. We need to move before things get worse.” Jesper glances around the room. “It looks like the vote will go the other way.” 

The Dregs have the best blank stares. Jesper watches his eyes and the calculations going on behind them. “Kaz?” 

Jesper knows he’s got him. Rotty will help them. “Sent me to spread the word. No orders. This isn’t mandated. It has to be your choice.” 

“Who do you have so far?” 

“Kanej and these two.” 

Rotty snorts. “You’re still hoping that catches on.” 

“It’s so much easier to say than Kaz and Inej every time. When we have time, remind me to tell you about the repressed pining from this last stunt. It’s a good one.” Jesper taps the table and stands. “Spread the word. We’re leaving as soon as the meeting lets out.” 

Rotty nods. 

Jesper is two tables away when Rotty calls after him. “How do you know Zenik is on Scarif?” 

Matthias tenses. It’s comical how easy he is to read. 

“She sent an encrypted message.” Jesper reveals with a grin. Then, because he doesn’t trust the druskelle yet, he throws in a little lie. “In the ship’s lights as Brum’s shuttle left Eadu. Kuwei confirmed Brum would fall back to Mustafar and then likely Scarif to check the Death Star plans. We’re watching the old channels for updates.” 

Rotty nods. 

Matthias shakes his head as they walk out of the cafeteria. “You could have just told me that.” 

Jesper laughs. “And missed the look on your face? Never! Now, come on, Helvar, Sunshine. We’ve got a ship to prepare. Stealthily.” 

<hr> 

“We can’t take no for an answer. You know this is wrong! We have to go. There’s no guarantee Kuwei has any idea what he’s talking about. It’s all guesswork. My father nearly died getting us this information.” 

Kaz leans heavily on his cane as they leave HQ as Inej rants in his ear. It’s been awhile since he’s been the recipient of one of her rants. They’ve long accepted their own philosophical differences. He knows her well enough to understand that this is different. This is the first tangible connection she has to her family. Defeating the Death Star is now a part of his legacy and she’ll do anything to protect that. “I know, Inej.” 

“So why didn’t you say anything?! You stood silently by. You didn’t even argue for a plan that could work.” 

He rubs at his leg like that will alleviate the pain. It’s not great that it’s worse today but Kaz has worked through the pain before. It shouldn’t cause any hiccups assuming that they can get out of here before someone tries to stop them. Based on Genya’s nod as they left, he’s willing to bet that she’ll run interference. 

“They were never going to agree. Scarif is a stronghold. We haven’t been able to infiltrate before. Whoever goes in, even if they succeed in getting the plans, they would likely die.” The words are harsh. They have to be. He can’t have anyone doubting the risks involved. 

“It would be worth it.” Inej’s eyes are fire, pure passion. It does funny things to his heart beat. She’s a woman meant to live life to the fullest. She’s never more beautiful than when her whole heart is devoted to something she cares about. 

Kaz holds her gaze for a minute and then nods. “I agree. That’s why Jesper’s collecting the Crows.” 

He struggles with a smile at the shock and warmth in Inej’s gaze, the way her lips part in surprise. The him of several years ago wouldn’t have made this choice. He turns away from her and continues to walk. His smile would come out if he continued to look at her. A few years ago, he wouldn’t have let this melt the ice around his heart, but he’s started to let people in again. It’s a strength as much as a weakness. 

“We’re going?” She speeds up to walk in front of him, turning so she can face him as she walks backwards. “Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“If you didn’t fight for your father, Haskell would have been suspicious. He would have grounded us.” 

Her eyes sparkle and another little bit of ice melts.  Her hand reaches out like she’s going to reach for her hand. Kaz’s chest is tight - both with desire for her closeness and in fear of contact. Slowly telegraphing her movements, Inej’s hand lands on his forearm. He stops in the middle of the hallway. The bile he expects doesn’t overwhelm him. Instead, it feels almost nice. He relaxes into it as he drinks in her gaze. She smiles at him. 

“Thank you.” 

He shrugs. He only did what had to be done. Kaz slowly turns his hand over and pulls it back so that their hands meet, fingers intertwining. He stares at the contact and wonders briefly what it would feel like without the gloves between their skin. He wants to be brave enough to push himself to that point but he’s not ready for that yet. 

He loosens his grip and lets their hands slip apart before he starts walking, glancing around the hallway. Per Haskell has his eyes on them despite being engaged in conversation with Genya in the entrance to the conference room. 

“We need to get out of here before we get locked down.” 

Inej nods. “Right.” She pulls away and they start to walk down the hall again. 

Kaz’s tensions relax when they reach the hangar and see the Crows all milling around the shuttle, looking inconspicuous for the moment in the bustle of people, but he knows it’s not long before they start attracting attention. His eyes flit to each familiar face. They acknowledge the silent signal and all head toward the shuttle. 

It’s a tight squeeze, done nearly silently. It isn’t until he’s moving toward the cockpit when he hears the agitated back and forth of two dissenting voices. 

“You’re doing it wrong. We’re never going to get out of here with that clearance code.” 

There’s an annoyed huff. “Well then, you’re in charge of the code. I can handle the flying.” 

“It’s my ship. I’m the pilot, Sunshine.” 

Kaz reaches the entrance to see both Wylan and Jesper at the controls. 

“You don’t fly like an Imperial pilot. They’re going to notice.” Wylan glares at Jesper and bats his hand away from the control he’s reaching for. “Just focus on the codes.” 

Jesper leans forward. “You know, it’s kind of hot how you take charge.” 

Kaz clears his throat. He ignores the way Wylan’s skin flushes and Jesper’s predatory grin. “Time to fly.” 

Engines hum to life, shortly followed by a radio static call. “Imperial Ship, you have not been cleared for take off. Please state your call sign.” 

Wylan and Jesper look at each other in alarm. It’s almost comical. Jesper, only slightly less useless in this situation grabs the radio. “Oh, right. Tower, this is Rogue...One.”

Kaz closes his eyes at the stupidity. Even Wylan looks pained. Jesper however forges ahead. 

“Rogue One, taking off.” 

He closes the radio connection as Wylan maneuvers the shuttle into the air and they head off into uncertain danger. Kaz glances back at Inej. She meets his gaze with the same stoic determination. At least they’re in this together.  

...

Keep an eye out for Part III coming out next week!

[retvenkos]

rolled up messages | n.e.

Blades of Light and Shadow - Nia Ellarious x platonic!MC!Reader, slight angst, fluff requested by @brokenandheadoverheels

tw: mentions of death, seasickness, grief

word count: 1.7 (okay, but in my defense, this is nia, we’re talking about.)

song: message in a bottle - the police | 🔍

Summary: The sea worked in mysterious ways. This time, it brought you someone to grieve with.

When you had been little more than a child, your work knee-deep in the earth and all your life in your small and calloused hands, one of your favorite fantasies to spin was being a pirate. Kade had heard plenty of stories of life on a schooner, and seeing as you had never seen the sea, it was the most beautiful daydream your mind could concoct and escape into. It was a world beyond anything you had ever known. It was a romantic and daring vision - full of sea spray and gulls, the bright blue sky and the enchanting waves.

Life aboard The Wraith was anything but the stories Kade had once told. The hypnotic sway of the ship kept your mind in a constant and muted haze, and the endless skies muddled your sense of direction. Mostly, the days were dull, but on occasion, something more sinister lay within. Restlessness seeped into your veins - slowly, then all at once.

Only a handful of times in your life were you equally as rattled as you found yourself, now, and in each life-changing circumstance, what grounded you was working - the steady drudgery of tilling the earth, the resolute swing of a hammer, the clang of iron against an anvil. But here, there was no task to complete. There was just the open ocean and the ceaseless sky and the insanity that slipped in slowly. It was an itch, and soon, it would grow into a scream.

Most days, you sat around, waiting for things to happen. On occasion, the Captain - the fearless and headstrong Imtura - threw some meager task your way. You almost hated the way you jumped up, eager for something to do. The last thing you wanted to be was a dog begging for someone else's scraps. 

The sea was lawless in its corruption; you would be damned if you let it turn you.

If Kade were here, he would have known what you were thinking before you were able to put it into words yourself. He was always perceptive like that - annoying, too, because he knew it. He would have teased you about your restlessness, and before you could register the stir-crazy feeling in your belly, he would have told you stories about how the sea could charm you into doing her bidding. She'd cut you down slowly and carefully until your will was broken and your mind was jelly. Then, she'd use the rhythmic sway of the boat to hypnotize you into becoming her servant.

Was Kade somewhere out there, now, being drawn and quartered, broken down by the shadow and being built up again, against his will? Was he sitting in the cargo hold of a ship or a dusty cell beneath the ground, insanity visiting him in the night? Was Death a new companion of his, gnawing at his skin until he was foaming at the mouth? If you found him, would the shadows cling to him the way ghosts once did? If you discovered him alive, would Kade beg you to end his suffering?

And would it be a mercy to give him what he desired?

The sea was churning your stomach, the acid within burning up your throat. The world - a flat blue that couldn't divide sky from ocean - spun. You needed a quiet place to sit down. You needed a moment alone to grieve.

You stumbled your way below deck, gasping for air. The ship rocked to one side, and you staggered to a wall, throwing one hand out in front of you, catching your breath. You couldn't think about Kade, but you couldn't damn well forget about him either. Not when—

"(Y/n)? Are you alright?"

You snapped your head to attention and found Nia blinking back at you, her delicate features sculpted into light concern - mouth turned, eyebrows knitted. On her lap, she held a leatherbound journal, one hand holding a pencil, paused in its scratching. 

You closed your eyes, forcing yourself not to grimace. 

"Yeah, I'm alright," you breathed. You could hear the irritation in your voice. You hadn't meant to direct that at her. "What are you writing?" you asked, trying to smooth things over - steering the conversation to a place you could handle. "Keeping a harrowing account of our journey?"

Nia stiffened like a child caught when acting out. If you weren't so seasick, perhaps you would have waved your question away, content to sit in baited silence. But you needed a voice in the din - something to take off the edge - and you knew Nia would comply.

"Not exactly," Nia said slowly, worrying her bottom lip. "I'm writing a letter."

"To who?"

"Oh, umm... you'll probably laugh, but Scholar Vash." Her words hit you like a bullet. In all of the chaos surrounding your quest, you had forgotten about the loss of Scholar Vash. When had your company ever allowed Nia to truly grieve? You had spared her a few moments after the shadow took him, but you hadn't given her such mercy since. You should have never been so thoughtless in your mission. Nia let out a breathy sort of scoff and shook her head. You wondered if she was blinking back tears. If the light were better, would you have recognized it when you first came down?

"I just want him to know that I'm well and that I'm staying true to my faith," Nia played with the ends of her long, red hair. The shimmer of her dress caught in the orange lantern light. She looked like an angel in mourning. "I also thought that I'd write down the questions I still want to ask him. Maybe somehow - through the Light - he'll be able to send some kind of answer."

"Kade and I used to do that with our parents," you commiserated, your voice choked. "Write them letters, I mean. People in Riverbend thought it was a way for orphans to appease the spirits of their parents. Connection. We used to send our notes in glass bottles down the river."

Nia looked at you and gently smiled. Her expression turned wistful, something that made you draw nearer, sitting on a crate next to her. You were closer, now, and you could see the tears welling in her wide, brown eyes.

"We used to do something similar in Whitetower. On days when we were left in the archives for studying, we'd all gather around and write notes to would-be kin. Of course, we didn't have a river, so our letters were tied to the feet of birds. Little rolled up messages saying 'I'm here. Don't forget me.'"

For a moment, Nia's voice drifted away. The ship continued to rock, but in that time, it felt like a mother rocking a cradle, soothing the weeping child within.

"Most of us are adopted by the Temple of Light when we're infants," she sniffed. "I guess it's universal to want to know where family might be." 

Nia touched the journal before her, where loopy cursive graced the page and spelled out the name of Scholar Vash. You hadn't known the High Preist long, and while Nia spoke of him often, she was brief with her words. It was as though, on occasion, she forgot all that transpired, and she talked about him when she thought of it, only to have the abrupt realization that he passed, and his final moments were spent doused in shadow. Vash Vallerin had been more than just a teacher - the Scholar had become that of a father, the only one Nia had known. You could see the way the loss gripped her. It reminded you too much of the way you felt about the kindly farmer who took you in, of the little life you had created in the heart of Riverbend that was slowly fracturing - falling apart.

You grabbed Nia's hand - gently, at first, but squeezing it tightly when you got a firm hold. "You are here, Nia, and Scholar Vash may be somewhere out there, but I've known too many ghosts, and I know he won't forget you."

A tear fell down Nia's cheek, and you could feel your own doing the same. How comforting this was - feeling how deeply your grief ran but sharing in its bittersweet bite.

"It's only the living that struggle with forgetting those that we love. The dead have memories that outlive eternity and infinity - at least they have that on us."

Nia laughed - a mix of a chuckle and a sob.

"Scholar Vash will get your letter - no matter how you choose to send it - and I believe he will find a way to answer."

Nia squeezed your hand before letting go and dried her tears. She looked down at her journal to find a tear had wet the page, and she laughed. "I think Scholar Vash would have liked it better that way."

You smiled and wiped your own tears with the palms of your hands. You waited as Nia finished her letter, standing up and digging through the cargo in the hold to give her privacy. You found a bottle of good spirits and took a long drink. You debated on whether or not to offer the priestess some, but you decided it would be better to spare her the headache of refusing and made a mental note to give some to Mal later.

Nia finished writing her letter and tore the page out of her journal carefully. "I think a bottle would be the best way to go," Nia said, rolling up the parchment and turning to you.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Nina affirmed. "It'll wash up on shore somewhere and—"

"And maybe the world will know we were here?"

Nina smiled. "And maybe they'll know we were here."

-- taglist: @fives-cup-of-coffee, @musicallisto, @missameliep, @brokenandheadoverheels​ // message me if you want to be added!

[ahecktonoffandomsinoneblog]

Again and Again and Again

summary/warnings ao3 link

Kaz looked at all of them in turn. “You know what to do. We have five hours to make this count.”

“No mourners,” she said.

“No funerals.”

She crept through the window and into the night. The world would be waiting for her when day dawned, and she needed to move fast. She would return to her ship and her crew and the sea.

She pulled herself over the eave of a decrepit rooftop, scraping her hand slightly on the stone. She wished Nina were here. Inej knew she was busy in Fjerda - though she didn’t know with what - but she wished nonetheless. She’d have to visit soon.

Yet another thing waiting in the morning.

She picked her way across the rooftops, warmth spreading through her when she found them familiar. She had been worried too much had changed, that it had been too long, but she shouldn’t have bothered. For better or worse, Ketterdam was home - a home, anyway - and forgetting it wouldn’t be so easy.

She glanced to where she knew the West Stave was, and the warmth vanished.

No. Forgetting this city wouldn’t be so easy.

She picked up speed, picking her way across the rooftops as fast as she dared. She might remember the cracks and crevices of this city, but tempting death wasn’t in the plan. And Saints knew she needed to stick to the plan. If anyone of them got distracted, or something went wrong… well, she hoped Kaz had more than a few back-up plans.

She slowed to a stop as she reached the building she needed. The walls were tilted at a steep angle, the bricks crumbling and faded. There was no roof, and the rotted stairs creaked as she climbed down them.

She sent a quick prayer of thanks when she reached the bottom, then walked to where the kitchen had been. Like the walls of the house, the cabinets were broken and crumbling, the metal tables dented, some inches from being cleaved in two. She ignored them. She wasn’t here for the shattered wealth.

She pushed at one of the cabinets, the wood giving way with a creak. Behind the wood was a small door, illuminated softly from within. It creaked as she opened it, and she stopped still to make sure no one had heard. This entire area was set for demolition - space was not left unused in Ketterdam, not if it could make some rich fool richer - and had been abandoned long before, but she couldn’t take any chances.

She ducked through the door and stayed low, trying not to hit her head on the ceiling as she hurried through the tunnel.

The cramped tunnel ended abruptly, and she stopped short so she wouldn’t hit her head on the trapdoor. She had no idea where Kaz had found out about this place so quickly. She added it to her mental list of things to ask him after they were finished as she pushed open the trapdoor and slipped out.

The room she was standing in was dark, cramped, and smelled like rotted wood. The floor looked like it would creak as she stepped on it, so she picked her way across it carefully until she reached the window, where she pulled herself onto the windowsill and sat.

This was the part of the plan Kaz hadn’t been able to calculate. The person they were after was almost as secretive as the Council of Tides; even she hadn’t been able to discover much about their habits. The plan worked with everything she had been able to discover - basic sleeping patterns based off of when the house was empty and, of course, the location of the house itself. Everything else was up to guesswork. She hoped the person would return soon.

As she waited, she listened to chaos outside and nearly laughed. Ketterdam had  a way of reflecting the plans of its inhabitants; the Council of Tides had dredged something up on Kaz, so he had figured out a way to get them off his back. Funny how easily everything changed. One second the world was one way, the next another.

She wondered how Jesper and Wylan were doing; they were supposed to be building new ways to distract the Council of Tides so Kaz could make his move once he had gotten into one of their watchtowers.

She chewed on her lip and thought of all the ways the plan could go wrong, then pushed them aside. Focusing on futures that may or may not come to pass was useless.

A door creaked, and Inej stilled, willing herself to be hidden in the shadows as the person she had been looking for walked in. They were cloaked, their hood pulled up, but she couldn’t see the telltale sign of weapons hidden underneath.

That didn’t mean they didn’t have any.

She stepped down from the window once their back was turned, creeping along the floors until she was right behind them. She didn’t move.

They turned around and nearly jumped out of their skin. “What- who- who are you, and what are you doing here?”

“I’m here to ask you a few questions,” she said. “I recommend you answer them.”

They took a deep breath, trying to slow their breathing. “Fine. Let me just-” they walked to the cluttered counter and began organizing the items into piles.

“Who are you?”

They set the small tin they were holding back on the counter with a clatter. “You came all this way and you don’t even know who I am?”

“You’re a hard person to get information on. Who are you?”

“Axel van Ei.”

“Alright, Axel. Where are the witness records of the last time the Council of Tides appeared in public? And don’t say nonexistent.”

Axel slammed a cabinet shut. “I am no fool. Don’t sneak into my home, threaten me, then assume I have no self-preservation.” they pushed around more objects before adding, “I am the records.”

She nodded. Kaz had figured as much - when she saw him next, she’d have to ask how he had managed to figure all this out. “Could you tell me what happened?”

They huffed a laugh and set an assortment of cloths in a cupboard. “Do I have a choice?” She watched as they pushed around more clutter. “Fine. I’ll tell you, but you had better leave me alone after.”

She put her hand out to shake on it. “The deal is the deal.”

“The deal is the deal.”

----

Inej’s mind was reeling. What Axel had said hadn’t been surprising, but there had been a lot to it, and she was struggling to remember it all as she raced across the rooftops, trying to make up for lost time. Whatever Kaz’s plan was, he needed this next piece for it to work, and he needed it fast.

She swung herself through the window of the Slat and slid down the railings in a crouch until she arrived at his office. She knocked gently - a habit, though Kaz had said there was no need - and entered when there was no answer.

She swore as the door opened; he was already gone. She had taken too long, and now- and now she’d have to climb the watchtower to get the information he needed before his meeting with the Council of Tides.

She darted into his office and sifted through the papers on his desk, trying desperately to find anything that might tell her the location of his meeting with the Tides. Kaz hadn’t been sure which tower they would ask to meet him in; he had prepared for the timing of this, but if he hadn’t been warned before leaving which tower he needed to go to, he wouldn’t have had time to warn her. Which meant she’d have to climb three watchtowers in - she glanced up at a clock - half an hour.

Saints.

She still hadn’t found anything, and she was beginning to doubt she would when the door creaked. Her hands jumped to her knives. “Wraith. Brekker left a note.”

She turned and silently took the paper from the figure in the doorway, waiting until they walked away before opening it. The figure hadn’t been familiar, and she wondered if they had been one of the new people Kaz had hired. Anyone who knew her wouldn’t have been waiting by the door.

She wafted the smell of the paper up to her nose before reading it to make sure she wouldn’t be taking an unplanned nap, then clipped the note into her belt and headed for the window. At least she knew which watchtower to climb.

She made her way through the city, watching the damp streets below as she did. Now was not the time to be caught unaware by some rival gang member; she needed to get to the other side of the city without hindrance.

She made a mental note to remind Kaz that there was a fine line between efficiently secretive and too secretive. Why hadn’t he told that messenger she wouldn’t come in through the front door? She was sure he had his reasons, but maybe it had been too long since they had seen each other. Yet another thing to ask him.

Before she knew it she was staring up at the slick walls of the watchtower. She would have thought them impossible to climb, had she been facing this task a few years earlier. But the Inej Ghafa facing this wall today was not the same Inej Ghafa who would have faced it before. She was Inej Ghafa, and she had faced fire and water and the demons of the land, and there was no wall that could keep her out, no wall that could keep her in. Not anymore.

She climbed.

As it turns out, the watchtowers of the Council of Tides were soaked through with water. She had to admit that it was a good strategy. Going without water for their abilities was leaving themselves vulnerable, and if there was one place fit to be constantly soaked, it was Ketterdam. That didn’t mean she had to like it; anyone who thought themselves powerful enough to enjoy their enemies’ strength was a fool.

She made it up with only a few near-slips and sat on a ledge for a minute, breathing through her nose as she looked first at the streets below, then through the window she was sitting next to. When no one shouted at the woman sitting on the watchtower, or cried out that they had seen her climbing, she relaxed and wondered why it had been so easy to climb the tower.

When everyone knows you’re a monster, you needn’t waste time doing every monstrous thing.

Maybe the same concept applied here; the Tides were painted as so powerful and untouchable, it was possible their security had relaxed in the comfort power had afforded, like what had happened with Rollins. It was also possibly a trap, but she didn’t have time to do more than brace herself as she crawled through the window.

She didn’t see Kaz among the tables at the far end of the room, or near the cupboards stacked against another wall, or next to the several bookcases lining the other. She took a deep breath through her nose and told herself to think; was Kaz in a different watchtower, or was he simply not at the top yet?

She didn’t need to think for long. She heard the voices, and she knew she hadn’t timed this quite right. Kaz would take longer to climb the steps than she would have - and they had likely searched him beforehand too.

She glanced around again, weighing her options, trying to figure out the best hiding spot. She had a few minutes left, at most, and if she picked wrong the rest of the plan would never come into play.

Kaz entered the room, flanked by a single member of the Tides, faces masked and capes billowing. They led Kaz to a seat and left after a moment of them staring at each other. He hadn’t sat, which wasn’t surprising, but she wasn’t sure why the Tide had left. She crept out of her hiding spot, noting Kaz’s lack of cane - though his gloves were still firmly in place - and froze when she heard someone else on the stairs.

They stared at each other for a moment, neither daring to move, and relaxed their shoulders when the footsteps faded.

“Do you have the documents?”

“The person we were after was the witness.”

Kaz nodded like he had expected that, but she saw his shoulders tensing up again before he smoothed his expression over. “Do it, then. Start with which part you see as the most relevant.”

She didn’t have time to think about what that meant. “The Tides were less careful then. They came and left from the same place - just outside city borders, near the University District. All of them, together.”

His eyebrows raised. “The Sealess Chapel.” she nodded, though it hadn’t been a question. He’d been looking into it for days; the only missing piece had been confirmation.

The easiest way to steal a man’s wallet is to tell him you’re going to steal his watch. Who would think the Council of Tides stayed in a place named for its distance from the sea?

“You know what to do now.”

She did.

She climbed back out the window and onto the ledge. Below her, she saw a head of red hair and a head of dark hair walking down the street, one clutching a large, lumpy bag and the other holding a white blob she was certain was a goat. She sighed in relief. It looked like they were all on track.

She didn’t leave the windowsill, just sat and listened as Kaz talked with the Tides. She had no idea what they had on him, and he didn’t give them a chance to say. He had never much liked formalities, and it seemed he was beyond pretending now.

She felt the Tides go silent, whatever imperious presence they had carried diminished by a few words from Kaz’s mouth. She heard Kaz offer a deal, heard the pause while they shook on it.

“The deal is the deal,” said Kaz.

The tidemaker he had shook hands with replied. “The deal is the deal.”

The clock struck one, and the sky around her exploded. Wylan had launched his fireworks, and from the bleating and shrieking reaching her ears even at the top of the tower, she knew Jesper had let Milo - an old goat friend of Jesper’s - loose on the streets.

The tidemakers’ confused chatter reached her ears, and she heard when they descended the stairs to see what the noise was. They hadn’t built any windows facing the streets on the upper floors, something Kaz had noticed - and planned on. They would have to descend to the fourth story to see what was happening, so she slipped in as they did.

They had left Kaz alone in the tower room, and she wondered how they had held onto such power for so long. It didn’t matter, though; the plan had worked. She’d have to write to Nina and bring over some waffles the next time she visited. Maybe she’d even drag Kaz along with her.

“Kaz?”

“They agreed.” he turned to her. “They’ll drop what they have, and give up on that favor they thought we owed them.”

“Glad to hear it.” A boom sounded from outside, and she and Kaz glanced at the window. “Do you think they’re alright?”

Kaz grabbed her hands, and she realized he had taken his gloves off. He wasn’t flinching, either, and she could tell he was barely nauseous, if at all. “Inej, I wanted to ask-”

Another boom, this time of steps as the Tides climbed the stairs again. “You’ll have to ask later. They’re coming.” She glanced out the window. “Do you think you can make the climb?”

His hands tightened slightly around hers. “My darling, Inej-”

Another boom, and the door was open and her lungs were full of water, and she was flying - no, falling, definitely falling - out the window. She felt the slap and sting of the water and wondered what the Tides had done to protect her from the drop. She should have died.

She clambered out of the canal, coughing, and sat on the stone street for a moment before she heard a crack, like something had fallen far and landed hard.

Saints. Oh, saints, please- Kaz had never believed in the Saints anyway, and it seemed they did not believe in him.

It was Kaz.

He had fallen head over heels after her, over and over until his body had collided with a flower cart that had been drifting down the canal. It was in shambles now, flowers scattered in the ripples emanating from the crash, more falling as Kaz lay still in the center of the carnage.

She heard screams from behind her as blood leaked into the water, and she ran. She scrambled to the other side of the canal, jumping from boat to boat, ignoring the shocked noises of their occupants.

Kaz’s body was all angles, limbs bent sharply in directions they should not be. His magician’s fingers were the same way. All those incredible tricks he had learned… he would not be doing them again.. She leaned over him, searching for something - anything - to show he was still with her.

There was nothing. He was gone, and whatever secrets he had hidden had died with him.

She felt something wet on her leg, and she looked down to find a flower clinging to her.

She picked Kaz up, grunting at the weight. She climbed out of the canal and the sinking flower cart, trying to keep herself from falling.

Jesper and Wylan were waiting on the streets, both of their faces drawn tight. Jesper took Kaz’s body from her, and she knelt on the street, gasping out breaths, glaring at the watchtower.

“Inej, what happened? Are you hurt?”

Another boom. Twelve figures stood in front of her, and she stood. She would not kneel before them.

“Brekker needed to die, girl. We don’t make deals with criminal filth.”

We learn to hold our heads as if we wear crowns.

“I am not a girl. And no one should have the authority to decide who needs to die and who needs to live.” She knew she sounded like a hypocrite, and she didn’t care. “You made a deal.”

One of them laughed. “He made a deal with one of us, and one of us only. That one Tide did not lay a finger on him, and we will not lay a finger on you.”

“Why wouldn’t you-” the world stopped, started, stopped again. She breathed, once in, once out. Again and again and again.

“That was the part of the deal, and I kept my word,” said another Tide. Heat pooled in every pore of her body; this was the Tide who had made the deal. “He was not as his reputation said. We followed the terms of the deal exactly; it’s not our fault he didn’t lay them as he should have.”

Her fists clenched, water dripping from them onto the streets. Saints, Kaz. Why didn’t you think things through? If you had just thought things through… Why hadn’t he thought things through?

She thought of Kaz in the tower, holding her hands in his and staring into her soul, and wondered if he had been busy thinking of something else. Wondered what he’d been about to ask.

The world around her faded to grey. Whatever he’d been about to ask… it was gone. She took a breath. In and out, again and again and again.

The world rushed back in, loud and unwelcome. Jesper was on her right, Wylan to her left, the three of them facing the Council of Tides in front of them.

She wasn’t sure if anyone had spoken, if she would end up interrupting something, and she didn’t care. “You have heard of me, I think.”

Another Tide turned to her. “The Wraith of Ketterdam. We have heard of you. Scum of the Barrel, like Brekker.”

She shook her head, unclenched her fists; clenched them again. “No. I am Captain Ghafa of the sea. I have seen firsthand the darkest pits of people, of monsters wearing human faces. There are many kinds, but they all want one thing. More of what is not theirs to take. You have not heard of me, but you will. The deal is the deal. You have made your decision, and now I make mine.”

She turned and left, Jesper - still carrying Kaz’s body - and Wylan following behind. Her anger trickled out. This city had seen the last of Kaz Brekker, but the monsters living here would not see the last of her, not until their dying day. It was a promise she had made before, that she would come back for the monsters of Ketterdam, and she would make it again and again and again until they were gone.

“Inej,” said Jesper. “Inej.”

She would not break. “Yes?”

His eyes glanced to the side as he swallowed, and she saw what he was looking at. A body boat, nearly identical to the one Nina had snuck out on. This one was half full of bodies already. She glanced back at Kaz’s broken body, still in Jesper’s arms, and felt her breathing speed up.

She couldn’t do this. There was no way she could do this.

She remembered a year ago, when she had been in the city for business. She had tracked down a Kerch “lawyer” who wrote indentures, who profited off of slavery as much as people like Heleen, and she had returned to the city to take him out. She had stopped by the Slat to see how Kaz was getting along; he had stepped into his office, and she had followed.

There had been a long moment of silence, then Kaz had started speaking. He’d explained it all to her - the plague, the boat, the water. Everything she hadn’t known about his past, he had told her. And she had listened. Kaz Reitveld had died on the Reaper’s Barge, and Kaz Brekker had been born in the harbors of Ketterdam.

How could she send him back to the place that had been a cause of his suffering?

Jesper and Wylan hadn’t pushed her, not yet, and she stared out at the waves - to where the Reaper’s Barge would be. Slowly, she nodded, and Jesper set Kaz’s body in the boat like he was made of feathers. She knelt beside the boat and arranged his arms gently, thinking of the last time she’d watched as a body was placed in a death boat. Kaz had insisted they didn’t bother arranging the arms, but she wasn’t one of the bodymen. For Kaz, she would bother.

She stood, and two men came around the corner, wearing long dark pants fit for a funeral, though there never were any. They ignored the three of them, stepping onto the boat, easy grins and loud laughs failing to push away the death clinging to the boat and to its occupants.

They pushed off, and Kaz was floating down the canal, and the men were still laughing, still talking, still living, and so was she. So were Jesper, and Wylan, and Nina, and the whole rest of this buckethole of a city. They were alive, and Kaz was not.

She wondered if Kaz would find any familiar faces in the afterlife. She hoped so.

The flower that had been clinging to her leg let go, slowly, and fell into the water. It followed the current after the bodyboat, before its wake brushed it aside and made it find its own path.

“No mourners,” said Wylan.

The boat faded to a speck on the dark canal. It turned a corner and was gone.

“No funerals,” murmured Jesper.

No mourners, no funerals. The world was waiting with the dawn, and it would not wait long.

@niathesanctuary-bolastair-kanej @thatrandomfangirlll @aminolee @mournersandfunerals

i hope this is as sad as everyone expects it to be

[sirenprincess15]

Please Don't Leave Me Chapter 5

Title: Please Don’t Leave Me

Author: SirenPrincess

Description: What if Aleksander hadn’t answered the door when Ivan interrupted the war room kissing? What if Aleksander and Alina had a bit more time to get to know each other before Baghra told her his true identity? Alina is the only one who can comfort Aleksander through his nightmares. Will she leave once she knows who he is?

This story is based on the show version and features a soft on the inside, hard on the outside Aleksander with an emphasis on emotional hurt/comfort and angst. If you are looking for lots of hurt!Aleksander thoughts, then this story is for you. Mal exists but pretty much solely to cause Aleksander some angst. Don’t worry. It will be a Darklina ending.

Chapter 1 is a missing scene at the end of Ep 4, and Chapter 2 takes place alongside Ep 5 and then diverges from canon there.

Pairings: Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov, bits of Ivan/Fedyor

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Grisha are oppressed in this universe, and I don’t shy away from showing the horrors of that. There may eventually be mentions of canon-typical torture (Fjerdan pyres), death of family members, and cruelty to Grisha children. It’s not the focus, but that backdrop is definitely there and comes up as characters discuss their past.

In this chapter: Aleksander struggles with his nightmares. He can no longer hide them from Alina.

Chapter 5

Aleksander found himself staring at the ceiling above the bed. Every evening went the same. He made love to Alina and she showed him heaven. And then they fell asleep and he managed that for a bit, but then he was in hell. Sometimes it was Luda he saw murdered, sometimes it was Marie, sometimes he saw Nina burning on a pyre in the ice court, but the worst ones were when it was Alina he saw them kill. He never made it more than a couple of hours before he was gasping for air and awake, left with nothing but time and his fears.

He never managed to fall back asleep, and it was taking a toll on him. Alina hadn’t said anything, but he knew it was starting to show. He tried to just be happy to feel her warmth as she slept and to relax knowing she was safe for now, but every moment of bliss they spent together made him more and more afraid of what he had to lose. He could not imagine going on if her warmth was extinguished.

He got up to pull a book on the Stag. He had sent a search party to follow the tracker’s directions, but he worried they would need more. He had been trying to calibrate Alina’s dreams and the tracker’s information with the text. Maybe if he just looked at that book in Fjerdan again; it had more details on topography near sightings of ‘the witch’s magical spy’. He hated reading that one, but maybe that was exactly why he might have missed something. He didn’t dare leave her to go to the war room to read as he normally might, but if he just grabbed the book and brought it back to bed … He stood. He could sense no one else around the room, and he could keep her in eyesight the entire time. He reached the desk in the war room and moved a few books to find the Fjerdan one.

“Aleksander?” Her voice was soft, sleepy, but it was enough to make him drop the book he had been holding, race back to the bed chamber, and scan the room for threats. Nothing.

“Sorry, I was just … looking for a book.” He wanted her to know he would never leave her alone and vulnerable like that.

“Come back to bed,” she commanded.

She was the only person who could tell him what to do. With a command like that, how could he possibly not adore that about her? He obeyed, sliding under the blankets and sheets with her for warmth. He tried to pull her into his arms to get her back to sleep, but she was sitting up and staring into his eyes.

“You’re hardly getting any sleep,” she pointed out with concern. All he could do was nod. It was true. “Is it me? Do you not really want me here? You put me in here for security, but if you don’t want to be sleeping next to me …”

“Alina, no!” How could she think that? He leaned his forehead against hers and held her. “I would very much like to kill every person who made you think that you are not worthy of being loved.” He probably shouldn’t have admitted that; she probably should not know his taste for vengeance, but perhaps she needed to know how strongly he felt about her worth. “That made you think that you are a bother, in the way, somewhere you don’t belong. It’s not like that with me. Alina, you are everything. Everything. There is nowhere I’d rather be than by your side.”

“Then, why? Do I move too much? Keep waking you up? Am I kicking you in my sleep?”

“As you might recall, you had concerns about my lack of sleep before you entered my bed.”

“Yes, but it’s gotten worse.” She couldn’t possibly know exactly how much, but she knew enough. She could likely feel the exhaustion in him. Her hand reached up and caressed his cheek.

“Yes.”

“So, what is it? Tell me.”

“Alina, it’s fine. I don’t really want to bother you with my … darkness.”

Her eyes narrowed. “I don’t think that’s really how this is supposed to work.” Perhaps she had a point. “You so easily notice in me how my past has affected me, scarred me, so that I always think I don’t deserve to be cared for, but you don’t notice it in yourself. You think the burdens are all yours to bear, that no one would notice or care how those burdens are affecting you. Why is that?”

He took a deep breath. She had seen right through to the truth. She didn’t have to know all the details; she still saw it. He realized that he had to not only give himself permission to love after all of these years--that his heart had taken off with immediately despite his head advising caution--he also had to give himself permission to trust, to share. It was new. He had never really had anyone, not even as a child. They had moved too often to let him bond with anyone. Baghra had forbidden him to confide in any of the other Grisha children, and he knew he couldn’t trust them. Even when he tried to share his feelings with his mother, she had gotten angry and punished him or lectured him and called him a fool. Luda had come close, but he had never really let those walls down all the way, even with her. He knew she would die some day and then there would be the pain, but he had regretted not living in the moment with her when he had the chance, before … And Alina was different. She could be the true partner he’d waited all his life for. That meant he had to learn to act like the one she deserved. “Sharing is hard for me,” he admitted. “I’ve never really been able to.”

“Aleksander, you can trust me.”

He could try to share, as best he could, so she wouldn’t worry it was her. “It is my problem, not yours. It’s just, since the assassination attempt … knowing Zlatan means to kill you … I could not survive, Alina. Now that I’ve had you, I could not take …” She would not understand the depth of the pain, but it was the best explanation he could give. “When I fall asleep, I have nightmares of your death, so forgive me for preferring to stay awake.”

She took a shaky breath as she processed all that. “Okay … okay, then we deal with the nightmares together.”

“Alina …”

“Does having me here make it better at all? Or is it worse?”

“I am doing immensely better being able to see for myself that you are alright when I awake from those nightmares. Much better than pacing my chambers worrying until I can see you again.”

“Have you noticed anything else that makes it better?”

A smile played across his face as he thought of his answer. “You are going to think that I am only trying to get more sex.”

“Sex makes it better?” She laughed softly. “Were you actually about to say that to me? Sex makes it better. Maybe I do think you just want that more, but I’m not complaining.”

“It’s … feeling the connection to you, your warmth radiating through me. It keeps the darkness at bay for a short while.”

“Actually, that gives me an idea. Will you trust me to try it?”

He nodded.

“Lie down. Close your eyes.”

He wanted to argue, but she had asked him to trust her, so he complied and tried to will the grim images from appearing in his head. She placed her hand on his chest, and then he felt it, her light, her warmth, surrounding him, enveloping him. His eyes flew open to stare at her in appreciation. It did feel so different.

“Better?”

He nodded. It did help.

“Then we take shifts. You guard over me for a while. I know that makes you feel safer. And then when it is your turn to sleep, I will keep you warm and protected. I need to practice my power more anyway, and you need sleep if you are to properly protect me. It benefits us both.”

He smiled at her concern. It was that genuine care for him, so different from the eagerness of others to benefit from his power, that was making him truly fall in love with her. He leaned in and kissed her. “Okay, let’s try.”

[mylutteoheart]

Playing Cupid

I’m finally back with a new chapter. This was easier to write than I thought. I missed writing this fic. Hopefully, the next update won’t take months but since I have more free time, I can update more frequently. Anyway, enjoy!

Luna and Matteo have been building their lives together slowly. Fresh out of college, they’re planning their future. But by planning this, they have an underlying plan no one knows of. Bringing their best friends together after 4 years of not being happy without the other. How well will their plan of playing Cupid work?

Prologue | Chapter 1 2 3 4 5 6 | my other fics

Chapter 7: What The Future Holds

Luna and Matteo walked into the dining room together, Nina and Gastón didn't notice their entrance, they were still in a conversation about some book they read. Luna wasn't sure but she was happy they seemed to get along. It was just the first step though, there was still a lot of talking ahead of them.

She didn't want to interrupt their discussion but they had to tell them what their role was in the wedding. The more she saw them talk, the more doubts she had about telling them.

Is this really the right moment to do this? They just saw each other for the first time in 5 years. She looked at Matteo in question and he seemed to have the same thoughts as her, he was also hesitating. They looked each other in the eyes and they silently communicated and went to a corner of the room, the two exes still not realizing they weren't the only ones in the room.

"I don't want to drop this on them now, they just started talking again." Luna started, looking at the two sitting at the dining table.

"Me neither, I'm afraid of how they're going to react and it might be too much for them now." Matteo agreed and continued, "Maybe we should wait and see what their reaction is after dinner. They might be talking comfortably now but that doesn't mean everything is back to the old."

"You're right, we'll wait and see and maybe we could talk to them about it seperately. I think that might soften the blow." Luna said, thinking about the best way to approach the situation.

"Sounds good, now let's serve dinner and see where the night takes us." Matteo smiled at her and went to the kitchen to get the dishes and she followed suit.

They both brought the dishes to the dining table and only when Luna and Matteo stood between their best friends did they look up from one another. Nina looked shyly at the table, not realizing how carried away she got. Talking to Gastón felt like it did 5 years ago, before they broke up and Nina finds it even more foolish that she ever thought she could replace Gastón by being with Eric. It never felt so comfortable and nice with him, it always felt forced.

Luna and Matteo joined their friends at the table and started serving their guests. Luna didn't like the sudden silence so she started talking about how much she loved learning how to cook from her mom. She learned a lot the past few years and she always loved to cook whenever she and Matteo had guests over but Matteo insisted on cooking today since he wanted to show off that he could cook great food as well.

After dinner was served, they all talked about what they've been up to for the past few years. It was more for the benefit of keeing the conversation flowing and lighthearted. They already knew everything about each other, even Nina and Gastón knew what the other was up to. They couldn't hide their curiosity to know what the other one was up to. Relationships were still a forbidden topic though.

Dinner went smoothly and after dessert, Nina and Gastón decided to head home. They said their goodbyes to each other but that got awkward pretty quickly. Tonight might have seemed normal but they were far from that and they knew it. They were both unsure of the future and all they could do was to be patient and see where they go from here.

***

The next morning, Nina was back at Jam & Roller, she was working on her next article, the deadline was coming up soon and she's been really distracted lately. She needed to catch up on a lot of work.

Despite trying her best to be productive, Nina was more conflicted than ever. She had a great time last night but that doesn't mean anything is back to the old. She doesn't know if it ever will. She has no idea what will happen next but she was willing to wait and see how it's all going to turn out.

It felt nice to be able to talk to him like that again though and she was hoping they could do it more but she was well aware that they're far from okay. A lot has happened between them and it doesn't help that they've been apart for so long, she'e sure they'be both changed a lot in that time.

But just for that night, it felt they were back to their younger selves, discussing a book they both read and analysing it. Both giving their arguments why it was a good book and also reasons as to why it wasn't.

Her mind kept wandering to possible scenarios that could happen between them now that he's back for good. Some had happy endings and some didn't. But was she fooling herself by doing this? There might be a huge possibility that he doesn't feel the same way as she does anymore.

The thought made her sad but she had to consider the possibility. All she could do now is hope that they get to spend more time together and get the chance to figure out their relationship, whatever it may be. With that in mind, she continued to work and told herself that she really needed to talk to Luna and see if she could help her with her conflicting feelings.

***

"So what exactly am I doing here again?" Gastón wondered aloud. He was standing with his back to the mirror that covered an entire wall while Matteo was getting ready to rehearse his dance moves. He didn't know how it happened but for some reason, Matteo dragged him to his dance classes. He needed to prepare for his upcoming music video. He's supposed to do a complicated choreography in it.

"You're here because I need to proof that my choreography is amazing and it would make an even more amazing music video." Matteo said absentmindedly while fidgeting with the stereo system of the room.

"Isn't that something you need to do in front of the director instead of your best friend?" Gastón frowned at his answer, it didn't really make sense to him.

"It will help me more to convince him if I have someone to back me up." Matteo said, "Besides, you need to know the choreography if you're going to be part of the song."

Gastón was surprised to hear this, he was never told about this: "Who said I was going to be part of this song?"

"Well, you already are part of the song, remember? We wrote and sang Aquí estoy together." Matteo said this like it was the most casual thing.

"Wait a minute, that's your next single?" He was clearly out of the loop.

"Yes, I think it's the perfect song since you're back for good now." Matteo was starting to feel a little shy, he didn't want to admit how much he missed his best friend.

"I haven't really sung much in the past 5 years." Gastón admitted. It seemed weird to sing while he was at Oxford without all of his old friends around.

"You haven't?" Matteo looked surprised but continued, "Well, maybe it's time to pick it up again. It would mean a lot if you'd be part of this."

Gastón couldn't keep the smile off his face and walked towards Matteo. He didn't see him approaching. But when he looked up, Gastón was already hugging Matteo and he returned the hug. "I'd love to be part of this." Gastón just said.

They pulled apart and smiled at each other. After a pause, Matteo spoke up: "How are you after last night, by the way? You really seemed to enjoy yourself at dinner."

"Honestly, I don't know. It felt nice to talk to her again but I still feel like there are miles of space between us and it's hard." Gastón admitted.

"I'm sure it can't be easy to spend so much time together after not talking for so long." Matteo looked at Gastón and waited to see what his response was.

"It's not and it just made me realize even more how much I missed her."

"I can't possibly imagine how you feel but I want to help you and that's why I'm helping you two get back together." Matteo sounded way too enthousiastic to Gastón's liking.

"Why would you do that? I'm not even sure she feels the same way as I do." Gastón was sceptic about this, he didn't want to force Nina to do anything she doesn't want to.

"Because after seeing you two last night, there's no way I'm not making sure you get back together." Said Matteo with a pointed finger and Gastón couldn't argue with this because he wanted that exact thing, he still remained sceptic though.

"And how are you planning to do that?" Gastón was very curious about what Matteo has to say about this.

"That's easy, we make a plan." Matteo said like it was the easiest thing in life. "And I think I might have come up with something good."

"Tell me what you have in mind?" Matteo had Gastón full attention now.

"Well, why don't I make sure you and Nina get paired up at our engagement party?" Matteo suggested.

"I'm not following, how is this going to help me and Nina?"

"Well, the ultimate goal of this plan should be that you get back together with her, preferrably before my wedding with Luna. What's a better occasion than at a party where we celebrate the future union of two people? At the party, you'll dance and it'll all be magical and boom, you're in love again." Matteo said, so convinced of this plan. But Matteo's track record doesn't make Gastón relax but he couldn't wait to see where it'll take him and Nina.