#new relationship has been really nice too!!! already just a couple days over a month into it :o

[pnsge]

:o) ⬅️ is way more of a freak than they are

[straylightdream]

kiss it all better

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: husband!boo seungkwan x afb.reader

life isn’t always the easiest. at least you have your incredible husband by your side as you navigate life as a new mother while working a full time job.

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞(𝐬): established relationship, romance, comfort, smut

𝐚𝐮(𝐬): husband/married life au

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 1.3k

𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: stress from work and life, mentions life after having a baby, seungkwan is #1 dad (not really a warning but he’s hot as father)

𝐬𝐦𝐮𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: fingering, fooling around in the shower, body worship, fluffy vanilla sex, unprotected intercourse (mc is on birth control)

𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠: 18+ nsfw

𝐚𝐧: I wrote this for seungkwan’s birthday. this is another one of my svt as husbands/fathers series. You can find all those stories here at “my only one”. This idea was suggested by @wondinonara. Thank you for this idea.

𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐬.

You’ve been together for five years and married for three years. Your daughter just turned one and you always thought you wanted to keep working after having a baby. After your sweet daughter turned four months you made the tough decision to go back to work. After a very long talk with Seungkwan you agreed that your career made more money so you went back to work and Seungkwan became a stay at home dad. Fatherhood suited him well. He’s an amazing father who absolutely adores his daughter.

Work has felt like it’s eating you alive. This is the third day in a row you have worked overtime. By the time you get home your little girl is already tucked into bed. Seungkwan is sitting at the kitchen table with dinner made for both of you and a glass of wine.

“Hi baby,” he says the moment you walk into the kitchen.

“Sorry I’m late again.” There is a guilty feeling eating at you that Seungkwan is basically parenting alone right now.

“It’s okay. Come eat dinner.” Sitting down across from him.

You’re absolutely exhausted. Eating dinner feels like a task. Glancing up Seungkwan is watching you with a concerned look on his face.

“Baby why don’t you take a nice hot shower after dinner?” Seungkwan has always known exactly what you need to do when you’re overly stressed and overly tired.

“That sounds like a good idea.”

Standing in the shower you can’t help but sigh watching your husband brush his teeth through the fogged up glass. It’s been two weeks since you and your husband have done anything sexual. By the time you get home from work you don’t have the energy for sex. The most romantic thing that normally happens is your kiss goodnight.

“Kwannie?”

He spits out his toothpaste and looks towards you. “Yeah baby?”

“Can you join me?” You just want to be close with your husband.

He doesn’t say anything, he just pulls off his shirt and removes his boxers. Sliding open the glass door he steps in the shower with you. There you used to be a point in time when you were like a couple of horny teenagers who couldn’t keep their hands to theirselves. Since becoming parents things have changed a lot. Having a baby has taken up a lot of time and energy from both of you. On top of that you work so much you barely have any time together.

“I miss you,” you sigh.

“Baby you see me every day, how do you miss me?” He’s steps closer to you. The hot water now washes over both of you.

“Let me rephrase. I miss us being able to have sex and be intimate. I miss your touch.”

“Did you want to have sex right now?” A gentle smile is on his lips.

“Aren’t you too tired?” You know he’s had a long day taking care of your daughter.

“To have sex with you? I’m never too tired. Are you?”

“Kind of, but I want you so badly.”

“How about I wash up your body and fool around a little in the shower and then I’ll lay you on the bed and you can be a pillow princess for me?”

“Please.”

“Turn around for me sweetheart.” Silently you turn around. His wet body is pressed against yours. One hand rests on your soft stomach. Open mouth kisses are pressed against your neck. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispers against your skin. His hand cups your wet pussy. His index finger starts toying with your sensitive clit. Rolling your head back, it rests on your husband's shoulder.

“Darling, do you think you can come on my fingers and then I’ll wash you up?”

“Yes.” Seungkwan has always had this ability to make you feel sexy with very little effort. His finger quickly rubs your clit. The bathroom is filled with the echoing sounds of your moans. “Darling, do you like it when I play with you?”

“Seungkwan please-“ Rutting your hips into his hand you desperately want to come. His other hand reaches up massaging your breast. His fingers toy with your nipple while the other continues to play with your pussy. “God-“ your body is tense and close to falling apart. Rolling his hips against your ass you can feel how hard he already is.

“Just let go.” Your body falls apart against him. You feel empty as your walls contract around nothing. Leaning against him as your high washes over you. His arms wrap around your stomach holding you close to him. He placed a gentle wet kiss on the side of your neck. “I love you.”

“Let’s wash you up and then I’ll take care of you.”

-

Slowly he works on drying off your body. Finishing up he presses his lips to yours before tossing the towel in the hamper.

“Go lay down for me baby.”

Laying on your bed resting against the pillows you feel relaxed. This is the best way you think to release your stress. Your very naked husband walks into your room. Crawling onto the bed towards you.

“Let me show you how I worship you,” he says with his voice low. He spreads your legs. Making a trail of kisses from your knee down to your pussy. How much you want him to eat you like you’re his last meal on this earth. You desperately need him inside you.

“Please don’t tease me,” you beg.

Kissing the top of your pussy he pulls away smiling. “What would you like me to do?”

“I need your cock inside of me so badly.” You have zero shame in begging him for what you want.

“As you wish.” He moves so he’s hovering over you. Running his length through your wet folds a few times. You can’t help but moan as his mushroom tip nudges your clit. “Please-“

Pushing into you slowly he can’t help but moan. His nose rests against yours as you both silently gasp. Bottoming out he gives you a moment. You’ve missed this feeling of fully being connected in the most intimate way possible.

“You feel so good-“ he groans.

Running your hands up and down his back you pull him as physically close to you as possible. He keeps a slow but steady pace. It’s clear he isn’t doing this to chase his own desire. He’s doing exactly what he needs to for you to fall apart.

“Seung-“ his name falls from you in a broken plea. You’re desperately trying to stay quiet so you don’t wake up your baby.

“You’re doing so good,” his hand grips your soft thigh pulling your leg up. “It’s like your body was made for me.”

“Fuck-“

He crashes his lips into your muffling, your broken cries and moans. Your body feels as if it’s tensing as you get closer and closer to the falling part. Gripping the sheets below you. His thrust have gotten harder the closer and closer you get to the edge.

“I’m gonna-“ you can’t even form full sentences.

“Cum, I know you can.”

Nodding your head, you silently cry out. Your orgasm feels like a title wave knocking the air out of your lungs. Hooking your foot above his butt you pull him closer to you. He thrust into you over and over again with shallow thrust. He finds his own release inside you. Moaning your name has he painted your walls white.

“I needed that.” You whisper, clinging to your husband.

“I love you.” He says pressing his lips to yours.

You’re so happy you found Seungkwan. This man is the definition of a perfect man. He loves you with his whole heart and soul. He takes care of you in every physical and emotional type of way. He is absolutely the perfect man for you.

If you have asked to be tagged I request that you please reblog. If you could leave comments and or tags that would be greatly appreciated.

[igotanidea]

The spell: Dean Winchester x reader

„Sam? This better be important ‘cause I’m kinda in the middle of something.”

“I’m using the emergency line, right?”

“Last time Dean used the emergency line it was about lack of pie. I swear he’s older but acts like a complete child sometimes.” Y/N shook her head not that Sam could see that through the phone.

“Yeah.” He agreed “But I would never….”

“Remember the time when you lost a shoe?”

“That was one time Y/N! And it was…. Under different circumstances…..”

“Oh, relax, I’m just teasing. But seriously, go on and tell me what is this about, cause I really am busy.“

“It actually is about Dean…”

“Oh, I had a feeling this day would be intense. What do we deal with? Demon? Jinn? Shapeshifter? Oh, please tell me it’s shapeshifter, those are my favorites.

“A witch, in fact.”

“Fine by me.” Y/N shrugged, unaware that Sam’s words has a second meaning. Only the prolonging silence on the other side made her a bit suspicious “Sam? You’re still there?”

“Yes.”

“So? Where do we meet? At the motel or at the crime scene?”

“Stop talking like a CSI!”

“I am CSI, Sam! Now again, where do we meet?”

“At the motel. But please…..”

She did not let him finish, since Sam was making her impatient by straining information. So she had no idea what was coming for her.

***

“Guys?” Y/n entered the motel room without knocking and two pair of eyes landed on her figure. Sam was his usual self, calm and collected, sitting by the desk, working. But Dean…. Dean was distracted, in the lack of better word. Pacing around like he was suffering from the sudden fit of anxiety. “What the…..?”

“ Should have listened to me….” Sam muttered, while his older brother took one stride towards her and wrapped his arm around her without any word.

“Um… good to see you too, Dean, but what’s with the PDA?”

“Can I just hold you?” he mumbled, begin so out of character

“Yeah… I mean, sure” she frowned, hugging him back. This was unexpected, to say the least. They have been together for a couple of months now, but the older Winchester were mostly keeping his laid back attitude in the relationship. “But…..” she hesitated, but stopped the question. This was actually pretty nice. Having Dean in her embrace like this, being the one he was turning to. It made her heart stutter a bit.

“But what?” he asked pulling away

“You know what, nevermind” she smiled brightly brushing hair from his face “if you need me….”

“I always need you.” he burst without thinking

“ Oh….” She felt her heart skip a bit. That was definitely new and she wasn’t sure whether she should feel the warmth and happiness or rather get worried about his current state. “Um…that’s nice, Dean.” She hugged him again, at the same time peeking over Dean’s arm, mouthing words at Sam asking for explanation. “How about you sit here for a moment, Dean, huh? I just gotta talk to your brother, who surely owns me some explanation.”

“I don’t want to let go of you…..” Dean pouted

“I’m not going anywhere, I swear” she smiled and pushed him onto the chair next to Sam and talking the third left spot. Dean immediately leaned towards her and grabbed her hand, caressing it gently.

“Y/N…..” he turned towards her, begging for attention, even though she was doing nothing more than giving it to him

“Yes, Deanie?”  her eyes focused on her boyfriend without any sign of annoyance.

“Come sit on my lap.”

“What?” now she was blushing

“Come on…” Dean patted his thigh but seeing her becoming reluctant, just reached for her, grabbed her waist and put her where he needed her, hugging her to his chest from behind.

“Um…’ she muttered, distracted by his hands. He was doing nothing, just holding her and she was already melting. This was dangerous.

“do you want me to leave you two alone?” Sam laughed, but once he met with Y/n’s murderous gaze covered it by coughing

“Talk!” she shout at him “What happened?”

“You remember when I mentioned the witch?” Sam started

“Yes, of course. Now please, cut to the chase! Not that I’m complaining, but I’d rather have the real Dean back. I want my bickering, teasing and sensitive on the inside boy.” Said boy were currently planting kisses on her neck. “Oh, god, I just can’t ….” She muttered, standing up from Dean’s lap immediately meeting with his sad eyes and mouth curved down. “I’ll be right back to you, sweetie, all right?” she smiled caressing his cheek and facepalming herself on the inside for calling him like that. What the heck was going on. Was it like the “it’s Tuesday again” situation? Did she wake up in alternative reality “Just stay here for a moment. And you.” she turned to Sam “you’re coming with me.”

***

“The charm?” fifteen minutes later Y/N and Sam were sitting in the booth in a crappy diner. The girl being herself ordered herself some pancakes, leaving the younger Winchester to do the talking “Guess I should have connected the dots… what? why are you looking at me like that?” she swallowed a particularly big piece of her dish and frowned

“You and Dean are so similar when it comes to your favorite food.” Sam shook his head and smiled lightly

“I’m hungry! I’ve been on the field for hours and didn’t have breakfast so cut me some slack! Now back to the witch. What do we do to break the spell? Burn her? Capture her? Slave her?”

“We are not doing anything. I’ve already got her location and ….”

“Sam…” Y/N sighed, putting her fork down and looking him straight into the eyes “you know the rules. You know I can’t let you go alone.”

“I’m not asking.”

“I’m not answering .”

“You either leave me alone or Dean. Given his current love-sick puppy state I think it’s pretty clear who need the supervision.”

“Sam…..” her tone became a bit warning

“Come on, Y/N, you know I’m right. It’s an open and close case. No trouble I promise.”

“You always say that….” She muttered “Fine. You really left me no other options, did you?”

“Look on the bright side.” Sam flashed a smile “you get to spend some quality time with you boyfriend. Maybe even get a little action….”

“Shut up Winchester!”

***

“I’m back Dea…. Woah!” she barely get the chance to step through the door when Dean swept her off her feet and spun In the air. “Put me down! Put me down!”

“Oh I may put you down, but I’m not letting you get away, again.”

“Oh please…” she scoffed, but not honestly not being opposed to his actions and switching rather towards teasing him about it “I was gone for like fifteen minutes, surely you did not miss me that….”

She was cut off by his lips on hers. Damn, he was such  a good kisser. And because of that spell also needy and maybe a bit desperate. Holy shit… Sam was right, it has been a while since….

“How’s that for not missing?” he asked cupping her cheek and brushing thumb over it. Oh, how she wanted to give in, let him pull her closer… Sad thing, she could not. It was like she told Sam in that diner- she was not opposed to clingy Dean, searching  for affection, but this was not him. She needed the assurance that all of his actions were a conscious choice not the side effect of some witchcraft.

“How about we slow down a bit, huh?” she pulled away, or rather tried to pull away, since his large hands stopped her from doing so.

“But I need you…” he whined

“I know honey, but ….”

“What? Why are you always turning away from me?”

“I’m not turning away, love.”

“I love you Y/N.”

“I love you too, Dean and that is why I think you need some rest. Don’t you wanna lay down for just a bit?”

“As long as you stay with me.”

“I will. I promise. Now come on.” She grabbed his hand and lead him towards the motel bed. It was far from comfortable, but both Winchesters and Y/N were already used to that. The girl slowly pushed Dean onto the cushions and reached for the blanket to cover him, but he was way  faster. When she moved towards the edge of the bed he grabbed her wrist and pulled her flush onto his chest, sneaking one hand under her shirt, tracing patterns on her bare skin. It was nice. It was really really nice, but she could smell his neediness with every inhale and exhale he was taking. So she moved a bit, just to look into his glistening eyes.

“What do you need, Dean? Tell me.”

“I just want to feel you next to me.”

“I think we got that covered “ she grinned “you practically got me caged here.”

“I’m sorry” he looked down, but she grabbed his chin and met his eyes again

“Stop it, Dean Winchester. You hear me, stop it. If I wanted out, you would never be able to stop me, but I chose to be here. So go on. Talk.”

“Can you just hold me?”

“Sure my pretty boy. Come here.” She laid on her back motioning for him to snuggle into her arms and put his head on her belly, arms locked around her waist. “It’s gonna be all right” she cooed running her fingers through his hair “We’re gonna get you out of this mess. You are not alone, baby.”

***

Two hours later, she found out she fell asleep. The sun was slowly setting over the horizon and instinctively she turned onto the other side, hand searching for Dean but he was not there and her heart fluttered.

“Dean?” she mumbled getting up, rubbing her eyes and walking outside. He was standing by the railing, eyes fixed on the space “Hi….” She whispered slowly approaching him and wrapping arms around his waist, pulling herself closer.

“Hi baby.” He answered closing his eyes.

“Are you… back?”

“Guess Sam did some good work. And by himself. At this point I feel expendable. You two clearly can handle all this shit by yourself. “

“You idiot.” She smacked the back of his head in the lightest hit there ever was “Expendable. You are truly unbelievable. How much do you remember?” her voice trembled a bit.

“All of it.”

“Oh.” She gasped but then smiled “so you do remember the affectionate attitude?”

“Yes.”

“And how needy and whiny you were?”

“Yes.”

“And?” she tilted head trying to get any reaction out of him which clearly was going to be a little challenge. “Was it …. Was It just the spell.”

“No.”

“God, don’t piss me off, Dean.”

“It was all real, all right? Whatever charm this was it made me act the way I felt. Cause I do need you. And I should have told you that sooner.” He turned towards her and reached for her hand “you are important to me. Damn, Y/n, you know I love you, don’t you?”

“Of course I do, Dean.” She assured “you speak through your actions. And frankly ,the way you behaved was not about me. It was all about you.”

“How so?”

“You needed love. Affection. Some softness. Maybe it was all because of the fact you suppress all those needs? Cause you are reluctant to admit you have them? Hm?”

“I;m not even going to answer that.” He mumbled

“Dean, come on. We’re all humans… and yes, I believe that even despite you being a vessel for an angel, you are still human. It’s normal to need someone to hold you and love you. And you got me, so promise me, you won’t hide from me.”

“You want me to be open and honest?” he smirked

“Is that too much to ask for?”

“Yeah. Way, way too much. But I’ll try.”

“I can work with that.”

“Good. Now shut up and kiss me.”  

“I thought the effects of the spell were over….” She tapped her chin in reverie

“Guess I do have to take action by myself” Dean mumbled leaning forward and capturing her lips in sweet, gentle, delicate kiss. It was not needy, not anymore. It was a promise from him to try and do better in a relationship. “Shall we take that inside?”

“You had to kill the moment” she rolled her eyes at him “Welcome back, you prick.”

[firewasabeast]

Seeing the Maddie gif just reminded of all the wasted potential and storylines they could have had with Tommy and the bucktommy relationship. Because let's face it, for all of the mains it's the same storyline over and over again - we're not learning anything new about them. But then here we have a character who we sort of already know, who they've teased us with a bit of his history and it was like finally! A chance for something new! We could have learned more about his family, maybe see how Buck reacts meeting his father and then having to deal with his homophobic reaction to him, the man he loves and their relationship. He clearly sounded like he didn't have a lot of close friends/family/support outside of Buck - we could have explored that, have Buck be there for his man and show him how, you have me and the 118. We never got to see the whole "dating a fellow first responder and the challenges that come with that" - we've seen Buck in the hospital so many times, it would have been interesting to see Tommy in that hospital bed and Buck having to deal with the one being by the bedside for once, worrying about someone he loves, maybe making him fully appreciate everything his family had gone through in the past when HE was the one injured (like all the effort Maddie went into to look after him). We could have had Tommy and Eddie bonding over war stories - was Tommy discharged due to DADT? If so, we could have had conversations with Karen, who also was affected by that. Hell, if they were gonna do the stupid "he was engaged to Abby for two years" story, have Chim and Hen be like, dude, you were working with us all that time, how did we not KNOW (that story still makes no sense - he never mentioned her name to them? Because if he did, surely it would have clicked when they met her in S1 "oh, you're Tommy's Abby". But Tim acknowledged he retconned their relationship from an ex-boyfriend to ex-fiances so he clearly doesn't care.)

But most of all, despite being together for SIX MONTHS, we never saw Tommy and Maddie interact. Maddie was clearly excited for Buck ("tell me about the hot pilot"), she's married to Tommy's old friend, there was the perfect opportunity to see them start to bond over family dinner or something. We've never seen Maddie really click with any of Buck's LI's before, so it would have been nice to see Buck's whole world start to come together. And it could have led to family orientated stories for Buck for once - we always assume he wants kids because he says he loves kids and we see that with Chris, Jee etc. There could have been discussions for the first time about Buck's future - does he see himself getting married, having kids (and ugh, so annoyed that the first time Buck mentions the possibility of getting married is 30 seconds before his heart is crushed).

And that's not even going into the small things I wanted to see on-screen. I knew we were never gonna get anything too intimate - 911 is a bit prudish, they don't really do sex scenes, especially not since the first season, and hell, all their other main couples barely kiss as it is. But things like holding hands as they're walking down the street, talking about their day while making dinner together, waking up in bed together - small little domestic things that show how their relationship is developing. SHOW it developing. (Because while the snippets they showed of their relationship showed that they were growing more comfortable as a couple, a lot of that development happened off screen.)

This was the first time in a long time, maybe ever, that we saw Buck truly happy (that man was GLOWING, even covered in boils). For the first time, we could have seen his story GROW, instead of doing the same lather, rinse, repeat that has happened in all his relationships (Buck falls for someone, goes too hard too fast, they abandon him, he doesn't bother fighting for the relationship). We could have finally had a sprinkling of new storylines (Tommy wasn't a main, we obviously weren't going to get a hell of a lot, but if Karen can have her own stories/backstories, so could he). All that down the drain for what, Buck 1.0 again? Him jumping back on that hamster wheel of "find new love interest, it goes nowhere, he's single again". It's boring, and this show is on its 8th season - not only has this been played out for too long, who knows how much longer the show is gonna last. If it only goes until say season 10, that would have been two and a half seasons worth of seeing Buck be able to grow, get the love he always wanted (hell, maybe even get engaged, finish the series with a wedding implying he gets his happily ever after). Buck is only one member of an ensemble cast - they can't focus on him every episode, so two years is plenty of time to draw out only a handful of fresh stories. After 8 season, keeping him perpetually single for this long only works if he's always been played as like Joey off Friends - someone who is happy playing the dating game, not looking to go anywhere. Except Buck has been shown to be looking for love all this time - he doesn't want that single life (he doesnt want to "explore" Tim - screwing random men and women isnt going to help him find that love he's always wanted, especially when he already had it). But instead, they take it away from him AGAIN, and now they're back to square one. Sigh.

There’s so much i agree with here! They’ve tried to cram soooo many storylines into each episode that there’s no room to breathe. Everything feels stunted and half-assed. Tim said they didn’t want to ignore everything that happened at the end of 7, wanted to pick it back up, but they spent these first few episodes either destroying the storylines they built on, or ending them so abruptly it doesn’t feel satisfying. Nothing feels connected anymore. In early seasons you’d have them all working together on certain major storylines, but I’d doesn’t really feel like that happens now outside of calls. And the calls are so quick (besides the damn plane) that you don’t really connect with that either.

It would have been nice to see tommy and buck develop more, nice to see him involved with the group instead of just Eddie, nice to see them keep their word and try to make this love interest different from the rest. They did none of that.

[taurusdaylight]

our rendezvous

summary. being lost in the horizon sounds scary, but not when you're hand in hand with your lover.

pairing. boyfriend! jaehyun x implied fem! reader

genre. established relationship! au, fluff

word count. 4,021

warnings/tags. as far as i know, nothing :) it's only a little angsty because of uncertainty about the future, but nothing too intense! very very fluffy,,,, maybe a lil pda (oh?)

a/n. ur resident valentine is back! i'm so sorry for going off the grid, my life has been a blur over the past few months… i did nothing and everything. anyway, this is inspired by none other than horizon (soty!) and i was very lucky to have had the opportunity to visit florence, where the horizon mv was filmed, so i knew i had to write this! after finishing it, i realised it's rather similar to my first fic but what can i say, i love jaehyun travel! aus, plus, jaehyun and forever just go together. <3 hope the new year is treating everyone kindly, and as always, have fun reading~

–

Navigating life after graduation was akin to walking through a maze, struggling to find a way out. Growing up, you always thought that everyone’s life had already been nicely written out since there were only two things that truly mattered: school and work. The adults always preached about how good academic records would land you a great job. All your life, you never failed to achieve and maintain stellar grades so you never doubted that you would get a job. Yet, as the day of your graduation approached, you started to worry that you might not end up finding a job. Or at least, one that was to your liking.

The thought of working for the rest of your life sounded… boring. Perhaps an oversimplification, but you always made sure to put a hundred percent into your studies, so you felt like you never really had the chance to live your life the way you wanted to. You weren’t a party animal per se, but you wouldn’t hesitate to skip a night out with your friends if you had an important deadline to meet. It was always academics over everything else. Apart from meeting expectations that others had on you, the fear of failure haunted you too. More often than not, the urge of wanting to disappear creeped into your mind. It didn’t seem like a bad idea, running away to some random part of the world where no one knew you. Once you’ve spent enough time there, you could easily travel to another city and explore till your heart’s content. That was the dream. Unfortunately, this particular dream of yours never came true.

That was, until now.

Treading the path of adulthood was admittedly scary, you could slip and fall at any given moment and not know how to pick yourself up. But, you weren’t on your own. 

Jeong Jaehyun, your boyfriend of two years, shared the same sentiment. Sure, he was ambitious and had his goals set out. Like you, however, working himself to death wasn’t one of the things on his list. Jaehyun believed that it was important to strike a balance, to not throw yourself into something so deep that you would get lost in it. Working may be important but it would never hurt to have a little fun whenever time called for it. 

You first met Jaehyun in Introduction to Film Studies. Both second-year students, you and Jaehyun clicked extremely well with each other as you bonded over your shared love for films. What started as study sessions to help each other with assignments eventually progressed to warm, cosy movie date nights that also involved cuddling under a fluffy blanket on Jaehyun’s couch. 

While there have been minor arguments over those two years, you and Jaehyun always made sure to communicate. After all, a couple is supposed to fight the problem, not each other. The both of you understood that. These disagreements never bothered you that much because you believed that they were part and parcel of every relationship. Instead, you wondered more about how lucky you are to have found someone like Jaehyun. As you liked to put it, Jaehyun was your twin flame. He spoke to your soul in a way that no one else could.

Instead of taking the conventional route of starting a full-time job after graduating, you and Jaehyun booked one-way tickets to Rome the week after your final exams. How long the both of you were going to stay there for, that was a question for another time. The plan was to have no plan, going wherever your feet took you. Both of your parents weren’t exactly agreeable about this idea, nagging about how irresponsible and irrational it was. But what could they do? It’s not as if they could physically stop two grown adults from going. Eventually, they were able to come to terms with it and simply asked the both of you to stay safe. 

It’s been about three weeks or so since you two arrived in Rome. Tranquil mornings without a blaring alarm was something that you could really get used to. The icing on the cake would be waking up to the sight of Jaehyun sleeping peacefully next to you, an arm securely draped around your waist. His lips would slightly jut out, you would sometimes sneak a kiss or two because he simply looked too adorable to resist. 

A day out together would look something like sitting by an artwork in a museum, coming up with various interpretations or hopping from café to café to try out different desserts (which were often, gelato), you couldn’t count with your fingers the number of times the staff had to chase the both of you out because they were closing. Time is said to fly past when you’re having fun, but even more so when you’re spending it with the love of your life. At least, that’s what you think. 

The both of you woke up earlier than usual today because you’d turned in early the previous night, probably exhausted from all the walking. The sun wasn’t up yet, which meant that there were limited stores that were operating during this time too. It felt like a waste to sleep in and laze around in the apartment, so came the impulse decision of buying last-minute train tickets to Florence. 

“C’mon baby,” Jaehyun half-shouted, his gaze flickering between you and the platform located at the other end of the station.

Hands intertwined, you and Jaehyun were sprinting as fast as your legs could carry you in order to catch your train that leaves in approximately two minutes. Or rather, you were doing everything in your power to match Jaehyun’s speed because why was he running like he was competing in the Olympics? So much for wanting an athletic boyfriend. 

You were almost out of breath from running, you didn’t even have the energy to give Jaehyun a verbal answer. Instead, you tried to speed up like he told you to. After what felt like a hundred miles, the both of you finally reached the platform, boarded the train, and settled down into your allocated seats. 

“Oh my goodness. We are never doing that again,” you said, panting. 

Jaehyun shot you a wide grin. “Now that’s what I call an intense leg day.” 

You were rendered speechless. Here you were, thinking that he was going to agree with you. But you also remembered that Jaehyun was a gym rat first, your boyfriend second. Jaehyun goes a little over the top with exercising, you could tell that much just by looking at his physique. Though, you wouldn’t say that it was exactly a bad thing. In fact, what a sight for sore eyes he was… 

Before you had a chance to respond, Jaehyun used his other hand to push your head towards his shoulder. “Go to sleep, doll. Don’t want you feeling cranky in the middle of the day because you didn’t get to take your daily nap. I’ll wake you up when we’re reaching.”

Despite not being able to see him, you could hear the smile in Jaehyun’s voice, which caused you to grin too. Perhaps it was Jaehyun’s shoulder that made you comfy, but you could feel the sleepiness slowly start to envelop you, so you snuggled even closer to him.

“Good night, Jay,” you said before falling into slumber.

–

The train ride took faster than expected, probably because you were asleep throughout the journey. Upon alighting, you and Jaehyun walked aimlessly along Via Faenza. You stopped in your tracks when you caught the pleasant aroma of coffee beans coming from a café, it was so inviting that the both of you had no choice but to enter.

Save for the long line of people in office-wear queuing to get their morning coffee fix, there was no one else occupying the seats in the café. Wanting to be away from the crowd, you and Jaehyun made your way to the corner booth seat situated all the way inside after getting your order. You sat next to each other, with Jaehyun's arm wrapped around your waist. Your torso was slightly exposed because of the cropped top that you wore, and Jaehyun’s fingertips easily found purchase on your skin. Soft traces all over, which oddly enough, made you feel tingly and warm simultaneously. 

“Jaehyun,” you called out.

He turned to look at you. “Hmm?” 

“Do you regret being here with me? Don’t you feel like you’re wasting your life away?”

Jaehyun halted his movements, but he did not loosen his grip on your waist. His answer was written all over his face, from his creased eyebrows to his frowning lips. 

“Of course not, baby. Did I do or say something to make you think that way? I’m sorry if I did,” he said sincerely. 

“No, you didn’t do or say anything of that sort!” you quickly clarified. “I think I’m just worried about the future, you know? Once all of this is over…”

A small smile played on Jaehyun’s lips as he removed his arm from your waist. He cupped your face in his hand, sighing. “I wish you could see yourself the way I saw you, because then you’d have nothing to worry about at all. You’re going to do great things, ____. I’m sure of that. But for now, just let loose and enjoy yourself, okay? You deserve to have a break.” 

Jaehyun’s words could bring you to tears. He radiated so much positivity that it naturally rubbed off onto you, especially with the amount of time that you spend with each other. However, there were still moments of weakness, like now, where you’d inevitably think about how things could possibly go wrong. Before you could spiral into a whirlpool of negative thoughts, however, Jaehyun would pull you right out of it by telling you exactly what you need to hear in order to help get you through these times.

“Thank you,” you whispered, leaning in to place a gentle kiss on Jaehyun’s cheek.

Jaehyun made a sound, as if to signal that he was pondering. He pointed at his cheek and tapped on it with his index finger several times. “One more?”

You couldn’t help but giggle at his request, but who were you to deny him? Since you were feeling generous and grateful to your boyfriend, you quickly moved closer to give him two more kisses. One on his cheek, and the other on his lips. The best part was seeing the Cheshire cat smile appear on his face after he’d received his well-deserved kisses.

For the rest of the time at the café, you and Jaehyun were people-watching through the glass window while sipping on coffee and feeding each other small spoonfuls of pastries. At some point, random passer-bys became a part of a guessing game that started out of nowhere. Dating or siblings? What would their coffee order be if they came in here? The both of you had a lot of fun making up stories to back up your answer, boisterous laughter sounding through the place. 

Afterwards, you and Jaehyun continued wandering through the streets now that more stores have opened. An apparel store selling headwear caught Jaehyun’s eye, and he spent about twenty minutes or so looking through the bucket hats. Taking one in his hand, he tried it on and started making silly faces at you while dancing. 

“Stop it, you’re embarrassing me.” You reached a hand out in an attempt to remove the hat from Jaehyun’s head, but he swiftly avoided you.

He held on tightly to the hat. “I think this was made for me. I’m definitely getting it.”

The hat didn’t look bad on him, but it was still… questionable. A helpless sigh escaped your lips when you knew that nothing you say would change his mind. “Okay… as long as you’re happy.” 

Fortunately, Jaehyun didn’t have thoughts of wearing the hat there and then. Because if not, you would think twice about walking next to him.

The next few stores mostly sold vintage items and souvenirs. You and Jaehyun ended up getting matching gnomes that had the initials of your first names carved into it. While checking out at the counter, the cashier made a comment about how cute the two of you look together and that the gnomes were such fitting choices, so much so that they looked like mini versions of you two. With shy smiles, the both of you thanked her before exiting the store. You also noticed the tinge of red on Jaehyun’s ears, but kept quiet about it since you were most likely a blushing mess yourself. 

Then, it was time for lunch. 

You and Jaehyun had previously crafted a mini bucket list, and one of the things on the list was to try the various types of pasta while you were in Italy, so that’s what the both of you had for lunch. It appeared that all the shopping must have taken up a great deal of your energy because the both of you still had an appetite for dessert afterwards, or, rather, gelato was considered a staple so there was no way that dessert could be skipped. 

Although it was sunny, the summer heat wasn’t unbearable so you two were at the outdoor seating area of the gelato café. Within the vicinity of the café, there was a group of children playing catch with one another. After finishing the gelato, Jaehyun dragged you along to them. 

“Ciao! I’m Jay,” he introduced with a friendly smile. 

You introduced yourself to them too and stood behind Jaehyun, hiding slightly. You didn’t have anything against children, but you still considered them to be strangers, and you always had a hard time talking to strangers due to your reserved nature. You barely had any experience with children too so this was still foreign to you.

On the flipside, Jaehyun adores children. You could see it in the way his eyes would light up whenever he interacted with him. Not to mention, he was great with children (an understatement, if you had to be truthful). Seeing Jaehyun with children always made your heart swell, in a good or bad way, you weren’t sure… The only thing you were certain of was that you definitely wanted to have his children.

While you were spacing out, Jaehyun was quick to ask and memorise the names of the children. He played around with them for a bit and made sure to include you as well, the game of catch was never so fun before. However, it wasn’t long before you got tired, so you opted to sit at one corner to watch them. You whipped out your phone to capture this moment, giggling at how precious Jaehyun looked. Happiness looked great on Jaehyun, and you hoped that it would stay on him for a long, long time.

All of them grew tired after a few rounds too, putting an end to the game. While they were busy running around, you discreetly returned back to the café and told the cashier that you would be paying for the children to get gelato. You also grabbed a bottle of water and gave it to Jaehyun, who was perspiring profusely; indeed, an intense leg day it was for him. 

Through body language and very poorly spoken Italian, you tried to tell the children that they could go pick out the flavours that they wanted at the café. You were far too preoccupied with communicating that to them, the endearing look that Jaehyun had on his face went unnoticed by you. Thankfully, the cashier was there to bridge the language barrier and they managed to get their gelato without any hiccups. Before leaving, each of the children gave you and Jaehyun a hi-five, a word of thanks echoing after one another.

Having spent almost the entire day in that area, you and Jaehyun decided to explore another part of the city before catching your train back to Rome. Long before this trip, you happened to stumble upon a website about the top spots that offered a picturesque view of the city. One of which was a twenty minute bus ride away from where you and Jaehyun were currently at. 

When the bus arrived, you and Jaehyun entered by the back door and sat down. You were busy admiring the old architecture of the buildings outside until you felt Jaehyun’s hand touching the side of your face. You realised that he was trying to put one side of his wired earpiece in your ear, which caused you to turn and face him, and you saw that he already had the other side of the earpiece in. Jaehyun was smiling so widely that his dimples were showing. You brought a hand up to poke it, feeling a sense of victory because you were one of the very few people in the world whom he allowed to touch his dimples.

Shyly, you took Jaehyun’s hand and interlocked your fingers together. No words were exchanged between the both of you, but there was a mutual feeling that this exact moment perfectly encapsulated the love you and Jaehyun have for each other. Tender, somewhat otherworldly in a way where everything, like the chatter of the other passengers on the bus, seemed to fade out in the background. 

As Can’t Take My Eyes Off You started playing through the earphones, you took it as an opportunity to mouth to Jaehyun, “I love you.”

Jaehyun’s dimples became more prominent at your sudden declaration. He made sure not to break eye contact with you before he mouthed back, “I love you.”

–

“Look!” you exclaimed, pointing toward the replica statue of David. It was the first thing that you saw after alighting from the bus.

Jaehyun turned his head to look at what you were pointing at. “Wow, it’s stunning."

The both of you hurriedly walked over to take some photos, which ended up in you and Jaehyun bursting into fits of laughter because he was imitating the statue and posing in the same way. It definitely earned you a few stares from the other visitors, but you and Jaehyun were too busy laughing to even notice that you two were getting judged. 

After snapping a few more photos, you and Jaehyun went to the other side of the square where you could see an overview of the city. It was breathtaking, to say the least, the both of you concurrently marvelled in awe at how it looked like a scene straight out of a movie. You could even spot the street that you two were at earlier in the day, as well as many other famous landmarks. Not to forget, the surrounding trees and mountains made it feel more complete, it was a perfect getaway from the bustling city for some peace and quiet. 

The both of you were standing at the top of the stairs, and you saw that there was a walking trail below. Due to time constraints, however, it seemed more logical to sit and admire the view, since neither of you knew how long the walking trail was and where it led to. Besides, it was a perfect spot to catch the sunset before you had to leave for the train station, so you two sat on one of the steps near the top where you had an unobstructed view of the city.

Like before, you and Jaehyun were listening to music together while holding hands. Other than humming along to the song, Jaehyun would also sing some of the lyrics to you, especially if it was a sweet or cheesy line. 

“Can’t believe I get to be here with you.” Even after some time had passed, you were still greatly impressed by the scenic view, in disbelief about how you could share this moment with your lover. The bright orange hues of the sun added more colour to the backdrop, it felt surreal watching it slowly go down.

“Me too,” Jaehyun replied almost immediately. “It feels like a dream…” 

“If this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up from it,” you said while shifting closer to Jaehyun’s side. “Like, ever.”

“I want to stay here with you forever.” Your voice came out as a whisper, because deep down, a part of you was afraid that this happiness would be taken away from you abruptly. 

Yet again, Jaehyun made one of those sounds to indicate that he was thinking, which made you gasp in response.

“You don’t want to be with me?” you questioned, a look of betrayal on your face.

“No, silly,” Jaehyun chuckled. “Of course I want to be with you.”

Jaehyun let out a deep breath, as though he had to brace himself for what he was going to say next. “The thought of eternity feels scary. But if I know that you’ll be there with me, then… there’s nothing to be scared of. I think, for me… forever is where you are, wherever that may be.”

Silence ensued, music playing through the shared earphones being the only source of sound. Jaehyun gulped awkwardly when he noticed that your gaze was fixed on him, but you weren’t saying anything. “Did that come out wrong? I don’t even know what I’m saying sometimes. But I guess I was trying to say that–”

You cut Jaehyun off with a kiss. He smiled against your lips, causing you to do the same. Jaehyun’s hand travelled to the small of your back to pull you in before he tilted his head to the side for better access, going straight for your upper lip to return the kiss. It was slow, delicate, and everything you could ever ask for. You sighed when you felt Jaehyun’s hand running over your skin; he knew exactly what he was doing. Every kiss that you shared with Jaehyun never fell short of being exhilarating, which was one of the great things about love… or Jaehyun. Perhaps, both. 

He was the first to pull away, staring intently at you with a cheeky smile on his face. Jaehyun leaned in closer until he could bury his head into the crook of your neck, leaving another kiss on your collarbone. You wrapped your arms around his frame, hugging him as tightly as possible. You and Jaehyun stayed like this for a while until you heard a lady yelp from a distance away, her loud voice grabbing your attention.

As you looked up to find out what the commotion was about, tears immediately filled your eyes and you had to do everything that you could to hold them back. 

The said lady was standing by the railing, both hands covering her mouth. In front of her was a man, down on one knee, holding out a box with a diamond ring. You tapped Jaehyun’s shoulder so that he’d sit back up, and he turned to see what you were looking at. All of the other visitors were also invested, as everyone patiently for the lady's answer. 

Everything happened so quickly. The lady nodding and getting pulled into a hug by her fiancé, the crowd erupting in cheers and applause–a truly sweet moment to witness. Without thinking much, you blurted out, “that’s going to be us.” 

Jaehyun diverted his attention back to you, shaking his head. Seemingly biting back a smile as his lips formed a thin line, Jaehyun jerked his head to motion at something behind you. “That’s us.”

You were about to protest, pop another question that was something along the lines of whether or not he was planning to marry you. However, you remained quiet and decided to take a look at what he was referring to first. 

Well, it looks like the urge to complain has completely disappeared. How could it not? Rather than dissatisfaction, your heart leapt with joy when your eyes landed on a couple standing hand in hand at the other end of the steps from where you and Jaehyun sat; they were having their pre-wedding photoshoot.

[mandomaterial]

Kylo with an oblivious, innocent girlie

Kylo thinks you’re adorable, too innocent for this world, he found you one day at an underground auction, completely unaware of what was happening, you were a jolly thing, truly, too trusting and too nice. You’d been scammed and taken advantage of far too often and lastly you ended up in this place, locked in a cage and on display for all the wild animals people call men. He was there on business, trying to find some relic but when he walked past you he had to do a double take. How could a sweet pretty thing like you be in a cage? He kneeled down, making himself smaller and less intimidating, in hopes of not frightening you and it worked. With a small voice you greeted him, a smile on your face as if nothing was wrong. Kylo was utterly baffled, did you not realize what was happening? He asked if you knew why you were locked up but and you answered truthfully, you didn’t know, but it wasn’t that bad. You told him not to worry and that you were fine but that just made him worry more. He decided that you were too much of an angle to be placed into some slavers hands or worse, you weren’t the type of girl that should be kept on a leash by perverts, so he made up his mind and bid on you.

And he won easily and the auctioneer must have thought he bought you for pleasure because as you were brought out to him, kylo noticed instantly that you were stripped of your clothes that already barely covered anything, you were just wrapped in a ribbon. Literally, the wrapped a pale pink, thick ribbon around your chest and hips, he did have to admit that you looked utterly adorable and the least bit seductive, but this wasn’t the place. As soon as they did the hand over, he slung his cape around your shoulders, almost swaddling you like a child, making sure that you were completely covered from head to toe, but that brought another problem, you could barely walk, being wrapped up in the thick fabric, so Kylo did the next best thing, ha asked if it would be okay for him to carry you, patiently awaiting your answer. Of course you agreed and you were all smiles, he carefully picked you up and carried you off onto his ship.

Now a couple months had passed, you grew close and somehow got into a relationship. You were still as oblivious and innocent as ever, seeing the best in everyone and everything. That’s why Kylo had to keep a close eye on you, mostly he would tell you to stay in his quarters and you followed everything he said, laying your complete trust in him. You stayed and tried to occupy yourself, fortunately Kylo gifted you lots of activities! To Kylo they seemed utterly childish and useless, but he saw how much joy they brought you so he couldn’t help but get you new things every time they made a stop. You asked for things like colouring books and coloured pencils or markers, other times for fabric and sewing needles and another for pearls and beads. He got you everything he could get his hands on and he loved watching you use his gifts. Sometimes when he finds the time, hell check on you over the cameras, only to find you colouring something on your shared bed, he can never stifle his smiles as you remind him so much or his childhood. His life was hard, honestly, he was thrown into training early on and it really heals his inner child whenever you ask him to join in and he can’t refuse his darling, can he? So he ends up helping you color in a random sketch or outline, his hands are rough and a little clumsy, not used to the small movement but he really does enjoy it and he loves when you finish your drawing and stick it in your folder.

There have been a couple incidents where you started wandering, often bumping into troopers and starting conversations with them, at first everyone thought that you were an escapee and they dragged you back to a cell, but you never complained, they were just doing their job after all! And oh boy, that gave Kylo a scare, he came back to his empty rooms and panic flooded his systems. Where the fuck were you? He grabbed his sabre and rushed down halls and corridors, trying to find you. That’s until he overheard a pair of troopers talking about a cute girlish prisoner and he instantly knew they were talking about you. He rushed over and rescued you from that uncork cell and you were so happy to see him, you were so bored in there, and the people next to you were so loud as well! After that, he made you Promis to tell him whenever you go wandering and he made you promise to wear a little pendant that had a tracker built in, he explained that it was for whenever you got lost or needed his help, you just needed to tap the back a few times and he’d know.

You’re the only one who gets to call him Kylo and you’re the only one he’s gentle with. He’s practically forced to be soft with you, how can he refuse you when you ask for a piggyback ride? Or when you ask for hugs and cuddles so adorably? How can he refuse you when you want to braid his hair and how can he say no when you want to Rey your hand at baking with him? You’re basically a princess and you get to do anything and everything you want to. He lets you dress however you want, if that cute frilly dresses or his shirt and pants, the only rule is that you have to change out of you pyjamas. But oh how he loves when you wear his clothes, you look so adorable! Completely dwarfed and stumbling over the fabric, your soft hair flowing over your shoulders as you try to roll up the sleeves of his shirt. He almost dies of cuteness overload every time.

Sometimes you decide to accompany him to the gym, where he decides to show off a little, you tell him how he makes it look so easy and that you want to try too! Then you’re hanging off the pull-up bar as you try to force your muscles up, you manage one but your struggling real hard with the second one, Kylo always gives you a little push, telling you that you’re doing such a good job and you really feel proud after your one and a half pull-ups! You sit down on one of the mats and watch as he does about fifty at an amazing speed, your eyes trail a little lower and you watch his tank top kling to his chest tightly, showing off all his muscles as they flex, you cant help but drool a little, how is he so handsome? Of course Kylo notices your little flushed cheeks and he feels proud, proud that you find him attractive, he finishes his work out and moves on to his sabre. He notices that you seem curious about it so he offers to let you hold it and you almost jump at the chance. He tells you to stand in front of him as he wraps his strong, large hands around your soft ones, helping you hold the sabre, then he ignites it. Red light ans a buzzing sound fils the room as you gasp in amazement. Kylo guides your movement with precision as you swing it around, careful not to hit anything. His chest is pressed up against your back and his nose nuzzled into the crook of your neck, giving you little kisses.

You truly are the perfect partner for him. His complete opposite but perfect for home, like two sides of the same coin.

[hils79]

Hils Watches Matz Travel Vlog - Part 1

It's been a very weird weekend.

I went to Manchester to visit my sister and it's the first time I've been back since I saw Ateez there a couple of weeks ago. Post-concert bues is definitely a thing, but I wasn't prepared for how hard being back would hit me emotionally. As soon as I got off the train the arena was right there. But there were no Atinys giving away freebies and no general buzz of anticipation and excitement.

I hopped on a tram and saw that the lunar new year lanterns that Wooyoung posed with were still up. Then I went past a bunch of the shops and restaurants we visited while we were there and I legit started tearing up.

I'm sure at least part of it was because shark week and general tiredness but I wasn't expecting to get so emotional over the whole experience.

And then while I was away, going back to the topic of this post, the Matz travel vlog dropped but I couldn't watch it because it's over an hour long and I was visiting family.

But I'm home now and ready to watch it. And because I need somewhere to scream about all my feelings I've decided to make this your problem and liveblog it.

I haven't been fussed about avoiding spoilers so I've seen a few screenshots and gifs but nothing major.

So lets accompany Hongjoong and Seonghwa on a trip to the Star Wars wedding location in Italy. I'm sure this won't be romantic and ridiculous at all.

FFS even the opening credits look like an old married couple's honeymoon home video

Hongjoong making sure we all know Seonghwa isn't late for their date

This is just reminding me of when @storkmuffin was doing commentary on the lego live and said Hongjoong kept praising himself. Yes, baby, you are very good at toast.

Seonghwa hasn't even sat down yet and Hongjoong is making sure he gets his coffee

Sweetie, you look like you were carved out of marble by Michaelangelo himself

You can tell from Hongjoong's amused smile that he is used to this nonsense

Orders coffee for Seonghwa without prompting. I'm fine.

I'm not going to dwell too much on their relationship with food because it honestly just makes me sad.

Aww Hongjoong saying he prefers to be around other people and he gets sad when he has to work in his studio alone. I remember him saying something similar on Fromm a few months back. I think they were flying somewhere as a group after some time off during which Hongjoong had done a bunch of solo projects. He was saying it was nice to be at the airport with the others instead of just by himself.

Oh, good. I thought Seonghwa was going to skip breakfast after saying he ate a lot the night before.

Haha! Seonghwa accidentally put sugar on his eggs.

Hongjoong admitting he did some research on where they could go for the day. We all knew!

This is the opposite of the Lego live where Hongjoong was like 'I didn't wear my glasses because I thought you'd wear yours'

Hongjoong really isn't a morning person. And it's not even that early. He said they'd arranged to meet at 10am

Oh we have noticed!

Hongjoong be like 'I'm happy to just watch you do your thing'

JFC Seonghwa

Apparently you're not allowed to say YouTube on a YouTube video

God, are they like this all the time? Just kidding I know they are.

Poor Hongjoong is stressed already and they haven't even got to the train station yet

This is honestly so fascinating. I imagine most of the time their staff arranges everything they want to do for them so they don't have to worry about things like standing on a train for an hour because there's no seats.

Just like me when I'm travelling, especially in a country where English isn't the main language.

It's funny because when we did our Ateez trip we had one extrovert who was always 'I'll just ask someone' and two introverts who were like 'we can look it up on our phones/figure it out without speaking to someone'

And yet you still look great

Aww! Seonghwa being able to relax because Hongjoong has planned everything. I can relate. Usually I'm the one doing the planning and organising so when I don't have to it's great.

Oops apparently I'm at the image limit already and I've only watched 20 mins of this. Oh well, see you in a bit for part 2!

Part 2

[alexbkrieger13]

I haven't read it yet so maybe it's just a summary from another interview or something, but I just saw this (it's in German)

https://twitter.com/queer_de/status/1739592775115366576

looks like a new interview!!!

Lesbian professional couple: "Women's football has always been a safe space"

Pernille Harder and Magdalena Eriksson from FC Bayern are not only top footballers. For the gay couple, their commitment to the LGBTI community is also important. An interview about kissing and fighting.

By Martin Moravec, dpa Today, 11:22 a.m.  9 Min.

The world-class footballers Pernille Harder (31) and Magdalena Eriksson (30) have been playing for FC Bayern Munich since this summer. Together. This was also very important for the Danish-Swedish couple in their private lives (queer.de reported). In an interview with the German Press Agency, Harder, a striker who has just recovered, and Eriksson, a defender who is currently injured, talk about communication in a long-distance relationship, Tetris while disposing of waste and two kisses that made history.

Ms. Eriksson, Ms. Harder, you met ten years ago at Linköpings FC in Sweden. What was your first impression of each other? Eriksson: I thought Pernille was great as a football player. She really impressed me, she was next level for me. I had never played with a player as good as her before. I was also surprised at how modest she was, even though she had so much talent. And she's a nice person too (laughs). We became good friends and then had a mutual group of friends who did a lot together. Harder: We are both very interested in mathematics and then we took a math course together. We got to know each other even better. After a few months we became a couple.

You were in a long-distance relationship for several years. How difficult was that for you as a couple?

Harder: It was difficult. You really have to work hard to make it work. But the time we were apart was also good for our relationship. Luckily, we developed in the same direction. The fact that we lived apart for three and a half years and are still together shows that our relationship is really deep and resilient. We both felt that this relationship was worth fighting for, even if we often only saw each other once a month. Magda often flew from London to Wolfsburg for a day and a half. Eriksson: You learn a lot about communication when you have a long-distance relationship, because that's the key. If you don't communicate, you actually have nothing because you don't see each other, you're not physically close. We've learned over the years that we had to get better at talking to each other and expressing our feelings with words. That helped us grow into our relationship. We communicate much better now than before our long-distance relationship. We have also become much stronger in this respect. The distance has disappeared at Chelsea FC, where they played together from 2020 to 2023, and now also at FC Bayern Munich. Did you have to get used to being so close to each other again? Eriksson: It really went from zero to 100 (laughs). Harder: The fact that we lived together for two years before I went to Wolfsburg in 2017 meant that we knew what our routines were. Eriksson: We had to sort out more practical things: who does the dishes, who does the laundry? Harder: And who takes out the garbage... (laughs) Eriksson: In a relationship, one partner always thinks that they have more to do with the housework than the other. How do you divide it up? Eriksson: In England I did the dishes and Pernille took out the garbage. Now it's more balanced. But there was a point where I thought she was playing Tetris with the garbage, she was trying so hard to balance garbage in the garbage can just so she didn't have to take it out straight away (laughs). Harder: It's funny how people can have different opinions about washing up, whether something is already clean or still not (laughs). But we're of the same opinion now. Apart from that, it was completely natural to get back into a common rhythm. Can you imagine leaving your job again to change clubs? Harder: I really like it here. FC Bayern is a great club, Munich is a great city. I'm enjoying it, even though I've been injured for two months now. We have a contract for the next three years and I can imagine staying here longer. Eriksson: It's the first time we've moved to a new club together. It's really nice to have the security of having Pernille with me. Football can be quite lonely when you're away from your family and maybe your partner. Having started a new adventure here with her is inspiring and cool. Like Pernille, I couldn't wish for a better environment. In 2019 during the World Cup, you kissed in the stadium after Eriksson's Sweden team won against Canada. It was just a kiss, but the photo of this public kiss caused a stir around the world. Harder: I didn't realize at first that the photo had such a wow effect because I was simply at the World Cup to support Magda. It wasn't our first public kiss after a game either, we had kissed a few times before (laughs). The photo quickly attracted a lot of attention on social media, became popular and attracted a lot of positive comments. It was interesting for me to see how much society apparently needed this image. Eriksson: We were surprised at how necessary such a photo was for football. We had also lived in our own bubble before and had been open about our relationship for a long time. But after that special moment, we realized how important it is to be visible, to do things that come naturally to us and to be proud of it. I think the best way to be an example to others is to express yourself and be yourself. That's exactly what we did. I'm happy and proud that the photo of our kiss became such a big topic because it was obviously something that football really needed.

As a teenager, did you have role models that you could look up to, that made you feel like your sexuality was perfectly fine the way it is? Eriksson: My older sister Amanda has always been very important to me. She encouraged me to be comfortable with who I am and not to think about what others might think of me. Growing up, she was always this calming voice that said, 'You are good the way you are. Be yourself.' I came out when I was 16, my sister was very important to me in the early years so that I didn't feel like an outsider. Harder: My parents, Annie and Mogens, always let me know that it doesn't matter who I love or who I bring home. They are happy as long as I am happy. I don't know if they expected me to bring a girl home one day (laughs), but they always made me feel like I could be who I am. I was really lucky in that respect. How far do you think football has come in terms of diversity and inclusion for women and men today? Eriksson: Women's football has always been a safe space for me and a place where I can be myself. I never felt like I had to hide any part of my sexuality or myself. I have never been discriminated against by fans because of my sexuality either. Harder: That applies to me too. I never felt like I had to hide, I can always be myself in football. Eriksson: There are more and more players who use their platforms and speak out on social issues. But we still have a lot of work ahead of us. We have to continue to create this safe space so that men's football becomes even more diverse, including in terms of sexual orientation. Harder: The next generation is growing up in an environment of increasing acceptance, which makes them more open. I therefore hope that men's football can continue to develop as a traditional sport. Unfortunately, there will probably still be people in the next ten or 20 years who are not happy about a gay man playing football. Is it easier to discuss such topics with younger people? Harder: I think that when you are younger, your own values ​​are not yet completely set, so you have the opportunity to provide input on what can and cannot be valuable for an open society. Older generations, on the other hand, often have their values ​​and opinions on certain things already set. Then it is more difficult to change your attitude. Do you find it strange that sexual openness is normal in women's football, but not in men's football? Eriksson: Women's football is a much younger sport. A lot has become entrenched in traditional men's football over the course of more than 100 years. Women's football is therefore more influenced by modern views. I hope that the more women's football grows, the more men's football can learn from it in certain aspects.

Your famous photo was taken at the 2019 World Cup. In 2023 at the World Cup there was a contrary photo when the now resigned Spanish association boss Luis Rubiales kissed national player Jennifer Hermoso on the mouth at the award ceremony. Hermoso saw the kiss as an act of violence, Rubiales, who also has to answer to the court, speaks of mutual consent. What do you think about that? Eriksson: They are the two ends of a spectrum. I always try to see things positively, even in a situation like this. Something has actually changed for the better for the Spanish national team since then. They started a fight against their association almost a year ago in which they wanted to bring about a change in the culture towards more safety and respect. They have now achieved that. I don't know if it would have been possible without this attack. Harder: The fact that the change has taken place shows how far we have come in society, how we are moving in the right direction. We do something when something unacceptable happens. The Spanish players fought for their cause, which was noticed worldwide, and brought about change. Eriksson: A kiss like the one at the World Cup this year might not have been a big deal ten years ago because times were different then and the team might not have felt they were in a position to openly address and criticize such a disgusting act. That kiss may have felt like a big step backwards for women's football at the time, but everything that has happened since then shows that we are becoming more and more confident and can really make our voices heard if we want to.

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

Sweet Dreams--Part 17

Calum and you have dance around reality for a few months now. But after Calum leaves and returns from a trip, the reality has to be confronted. 

Prince!Calum x Reader Insert. Tried to keep this as gender neutral as possible!

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It happens every year. Calum knows this. But he’s still shocked when his phone shakes and the details stare back at him, New Year’s Eve. Eclipse. Doors are opening at 9PM. Your plus one is already accounted for, still in? Calum checks who the text is from again--though it’s always from Keegan, who always organized the New Year’s parties even in college. When Calum sees it is Keegan’s number, he is shocked that he somehow forgot he’s coming. But it’s less about the fact that the party slipped his awareness and more about what it means, more about who will be there. Keegan ensures to invite everyone from their college group, year after year. 

The last time he really spoke with Nora was at this year’s Summit in early May. A gathering that happens in spring as various national leaders and royalty meet to rub elbows but also to make work on foreign policies and deals. More deals and exchanges are made at the Summit than on policy floors. His interaction with Nora then had been pretty minimal. She was a panelist for one of the talks that focused on reproductive health policy and Calum, who’d been working with his mother on potential reform, went to that talk so that his mother could handle something else. Calum really shouldn’t even say that he talked to Nora then. He’d really only thanked her for her contributions and asked if she was doing okay. She was cordial, thanked Calum, and wished him well too. 

The interaction was all of five minutes if he had to time it. But prior to that, his contact with Nora is non-existent on the personal front. He hadn’t even gone to the new year’s party last December either. Calum opted, instead, to go with his parents to a party they’d been invited to--and though it wasn’t the rager he’d been accustomed to thanks to his years in college, it was still a nice time. But just like clock work, like every day has a noon, Keegan’s text reminds Calum yet again of the New Year’s Eve party, of the reality he’d been a part of for years. 

The shower stops and Calum looks up from his phone when the door opens. A small tuft of steam follows behind you as you step out of the threshold. Your hair holds a little bit of moisture, the weight heavy to your scalp from the water. You’ve acquired his Conway Studio’s t-shirt as yours. He’s not really sure when he lost custody of it, but every so often it pops back up in his laundry and he knows. You want him to wear it so it smells like him again so he does, he’ll throw it on after a shower when he’s changing into lounge wear and will keep the shirt for a couple weeks at least until he hands it back over to you for a pajama shirt. It’s a silent exchange now. 

The thoughts of Nora are fleeting, nearly as if the text message never came through as you move closer now to the bed. All Calum cares about is you. All he cares about is if your back still hurts like you mentioned earlier, or if you actually ate enough today on your breaks. He cares about how you cart around the relationship coupon book. He cares about so much more than his own measly anxiety. 

“Is there something on my face?” you ask in a tease. 

The smile in your voice breaks the internal trance and Calum takes in your smile. “A beautiful smile,” he quips. 

“Thanks, love. But seriously--is everything all good? Looks like you were thinking there for a second.”

“I got a text,” Calum answers. The anxiety is not nearly as fleeting as he’d hoped by your pressure. It’s a lame way to start the conversation, but it’s the truth. “A college friend of mine is throwing a New Year’s Eve party. It’s at Eclipse.”

“What time does it start?” 

“9. And I get it if you're working and you’re not interested because of that. We can skip.” The mattress gives as you settle onto the edge of it. 

“I didn’t say anything about that now, did I?”

“No, but I just want to be mindful.” He doesn’t want to overstep and knows how taxing the holiday season is, especially for those in retail and food service. 

“How long does this go for?”

“Usually ‘til about 2AM. That’s the hard cut off if I remember correctly. I don’t really ever stay that long, pretty much bail after the ball drops.” Calum usually leaves around 12:30. Not the first to leave but he’s absolutely not waiting until the last possible moment to leave out. 

“Are you okay with driving? Or are you looking to party pretty hard? I’m working that same day and probably can get back here around 10 or so.”

“Yeah, I don’t mind driving.” It might serve Calum better to stay sober than anything else. It does mean any embarrassment will be remembered but it could be his saving grace from making a fool of himself in the first place. 

“Thanks. I should be quick with a shower and then we can aim to be ready to go at 10:30?”

“Whenever you get ready, it's fine with me.” You don’t really take long to get ready as it is. He’s the one that hems and haws over the choices, but even that’s pretty minimal. “I’ll make sure I’m not the one holding us up,” Calum laughs. 

Your returned laughter is short before you speak again. “So, who’s all there? Like all your friends from college?”

There’s an emphasis to the question plus the distinct mark of you picking at the non existent fuzzies on his comforter that tips Calum off. Maybe he wasn’t the only one a bit more nervous about what such an event would mean. But there’s no reason for you to worry. “It’s…the whole group, yeah. But Luke, Michael, and Ash will be there too.” He hopes it softens the blow. Part of Calum wonders if he’s softening the blow for himself more than he trying to soften the blow for you. 

You nod and bring your gaze up. “I guess I’m worried more about you. How do you feel about that? Do you know if Nora’s going to be there?”

Her name doesn’t sting like Calum was expecting it might when you say it outloud. But it does settle on his chest heavier than he anticipated--much too preoccupied waiting for the sting, he’d forgotten about the crushing weight. The reality he’d been absorbed into at one point, to the point of marriage, with her. It’s not the kind of ache that feels raw, not the kind of ache that consumed Calum when the breakup first happened. It’s the kind of ache that comes with old and long sustained injuries. The kind of ache that only really returns when the weather changes, but for the most part with meticulous care stays hidden away. 

“I don’t know for certain. But she goes every year, so I know she’s most likely been invited.”

“And-and how does that make you feel? That’s my main question.” It’s a clarification. Not dismissive or angry, but very direct. He’s not to avoid the inquiry this time. 

Calum takes a moment to drop his gaze to his own comforter. “There’s a reason why I was dodging it, you know,” he starts. The laugh is devoid of any true humor even to his own ears. The mattress dips again and you settle onto your knees off to his side. The flat of your palm is soft and warm against his cheek, a gentle urge to bring his gaze back to yours. An instruction Calum does follow. Your gaze is warm, full of understanding too. 

“I know there is. But part of this relationship is that I ask those hard questions. And I’m going to be there too, no matter how hard it gets.”

Your gaze is steady to match the steady brush of your thumb over his cheek. It’s grounding--Calum knows just how long your thumb will rest at his jaw before it slides back up towards the apple of his cheek. It’s predictable. And that’s the thing about this party. He can’t predict how it’ll go. He can’t say for certain if it’ll go well or if it’ll go up in flames. “I feel like I should be over it. And in ways, I am. But I don’t know.” 

All the words are failing him. He’s in love with you. He wants to spend his life with you. But something as simple as a party has upended him. He’d never really talked with anyone about it. Occasionally, he asked his mother for advice and for her listening ear, but a lot of it was just time. He’d had so much time. But maybe it’s less of an open wound and more like a scar that acts up in the cold weather.

“Yeah? But it’s like you’re not sure about those other ways?” It’s poised to prompt for more. He can hear it in your voice what you’re asking him: what are the ways that he still aches? 

Calum hates these moments, when he knows what he’s feeling but can’t seem to get the words out of his mouth to match it. His inhale is slow with a matching paced exhale. “I banged up my knee pretty bad during a football game once. Didn’t tear anything but I was taped up for a while and sometimes I think about physical therapy for it. It aches like that knee sometimes, you know? I don’t think about Nora and don’t worry about that most of the time. I am over it. But it’s like, grief? Something about how the relationship ended that just feels better than a normal breakup.”

“Grief never fully shrinks,” you start. “The injury gets better because other ligaments and muscles get stronger around it. You get stronger around the grief. But it never really goes away.”

What Calum had so desperately to be a straight line was turning out to be more like a circle. A wind and bend, but never a snap--always curving around, coming back, a way through that was a loop. He’d never really worried about the knee until he started increasing his weights. He never really worried about Nora until it’s clear he’s got to be around her. And though he understands what you mean, Calum still wishes this grief would shrink. 

“Maybe you’re right,” he concedes. But maybe he wishes you weren’t. 

“Do you want to go to this party?” you ask. 

It’s the question Calum hoped you wouldn’t ask. Because he doesn’t think he wants to, but he doesn’t want to miss out. The silence settles. He can feel it heavy in his lap but you watch him watching you. A steady gaze as you hold his eyes. Your thumb a steady stroke over his cheek, etched into the ridges of your thumbprint Calum feels what is you want to say but have not uttered yet, you don’t have to go if you don’t want. 

But it feels foolish. It feels weak not to go. 

“I want to try,” Calum settles for. Because it’s still a weak answer. He can back out at any time. He can be a coward. But he’ll always be able to say he tried. 

“Why do you say it like you’re not certain, love?”

Because I’m not. “I think it’s all I have for right now.”

Your nod is measured, two bops before you press a kiss to his forehead. “We’ll take any and all attempts,” you whisper into his skin. 

Calum doesn’t want to be a coward. It would ultimately be a matter of time. He’d have to learn to deal--find a way to not let the grief and fear choke him. But he’d be lying if he didn’t admit that he prayed that such a time actually came. A selfish notion he knows, but that doesn’t stop him from wanting it. It could all be a matter of perspective. If he looked at it less like the thing that could break him, it might feel different. But the thoughts are a weight on his chest that not even your presence fully chases away. They settle, under the sheets, with the two of you and burrow in the gaps. In the spaces that you aren’t pressed up against him, Calum feels the heavy dread settling in. 

And the dread doesn’t go away. Even though Calum tells himself, he won’t chicken out. Even when he promises to himself that the worst of it can’t all be that bad, dread is a passenger in the remaining days until the party. When Calum goes for a drive, dread is there. When Calum fixes himself a snack, dread is hissing in the cold air of the fridge. When Calum washes his hair, dread is in the plops of the water into the basin. Dread is the unwanted guest that Calum can’t get rid of. And maybe it won’t ever go away. 

He feels the dread hovering over his shoulder as he zips up the black dress pants--they’re a straighter cut with more space in the ankle and shin, not as narrow as his usual attire making them easy to pair with his Docs for the evening. Dread breaths down his back and not even the spritz of his cologne deters it. You’re quick in the shower, as promised, and just as swift with getting dressed too. The red shirt is daring, especially considering you don’t button it up all the way. Nothing too revealing as only the two three buttons remain open and the winter is harsh, but it’s a nice pair for you to be in red in contrast to Calum’s all black attire. The party isn’t a funeral, even if it feels like one to Calum. 

“Hey, Calum,” you start softly. It’s a small shock for you to use his name so sternly, even if it is gentle. He blinks for a second, then two, and you are slow as you pull his hands down from smoothing out the t-shirt. “I’ve noticed you’ve been quiet lately. And not that this isn’t your usual demeanor but something does feel off to me.”

It’s the stench of dread. The heft of terror. It would make anyone quieter. “I want to go,” he states in return. You haven’t really asked the question. Yet, he knows what’s underneath your words. Because he does want to and still, that doesn’t mean he’s not scared of the outcome. 

“I understand that. You--” there’s a pause. Your hand squeezes around his and your exhale is soft. “If you ever get into a bad position and I’m not there beside you, find me, okay? Squeeze my elbow if I am there. Just let me know when it’s too much, yeah?”

It’s clear you want to say more, that more is probably loaded behind those words. But you don’t utter them. He’d bet his last dollar it’s along the lines of trying to encourage him that he doesn’t have to go if he doesn’t want to. But you don’t say it. All you do is ask two simple things. He can find you if you’re not there. He can squeeze your elbow if you are. So he nods. “Yeah, I can do that.”

You press a kiss to his cheek, smoothing his shirt down over his chest. Your fingers find his wrist and trace the bracelet you gifted him still there against his skin. It’s grounding, even if only briefly for Calum. “Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.” Because ready’s not the word. It’s not the phrase Calum would use, but he’s not backing down. 

“Still okay to drive?”

“Yeah, I need the excuse not to drink if I’m honest.” If he’s going to embarrass himself, he’d rather remember it. Rather not have anything to haze his judgment outside of fear. 

The drive is mostly silent. Though Calum does still keep a hand on your knee as he drives and though you absentmindedly trace shapes on his forearm, and though there is the radio on, there’s a distinct silence between the two of you. Dread’s moved to the backseat, but still it hovers and Calum prays to a god that he’s not the same believer he once was in that he makes it through the night. You don’t make any moves to break the silence. And Calum can’t think of anything he can say to break it either. 

Eclipse is bright--even though the night is thick and dark--there’s the loud hum of music from the doors as you and Calum approach. The strobing lights pour out into the street as people enter the club--a beacon in the middle of the night it feels. A buzz that echoes the thumping of Calum’s own heart rate in his ears. God, he should turn back around. He should tell you that he’s a fucking liar and he’s selfish and he doesn’t want to do this. No one would really blame him, but Calum thinks he’d blame himself. He’d torture himself over the failing. Even as much as he wishes it never came up, even as much as he wishes he’d lied about that text and this party, Calum knows the suffering would probably be much worse if he avoided it. 

He feels insane--torn between such a desire to avoid this reality and an overwhelming stubbornness that he wouldn’t back down now that he’d all but committed to it. For every exit you attempted to create, Calum ignored them. Perhaps, it’s self-flaggation. Maybe in all his years on earth Calum had yet to discover his own masochism until now. It’s pathetic, and stupid, and reckless, but Calum doesn’t stop himself. He doesn’t take the exit.

The bass rattles his teeth. Calum’s sure the speakers will lift off their risers at any given second with the way the music seems to only get louder the deeper and deeper he goes. Your hand is warm--your fingers thread through his. It’s not massively crowded in the club, thankfully. But Calum’s pretty sure that given another half an hour more people will be pouring in. While Calum’s group of friends from college wasn’t massive, Keegan has connections to several clubs--rugby, rowing, several student political organizations, clubs that Calum’s sure don’t even exist on the campus anymore. What might seem like a normal house party should anyone else take over easily turns into a 200 person ordeal with Keegan. 

At the bar, Calum keeps you close. “You want anything?” he asks, lips pressing almost right up against your ear. 

“Just a Sprite for right now,” you call out. 

“You know you can drink. I’ll be okay.”

“Maybe in a bit,” you shrug and Calum lets it go. You hadn’t proven yourself as a heavy drinker anyway and with the noncommittal answer, Calum takes it that you’re still toying with the options. When the bartender goes to him, he orders two Sprites. 

“Opening or closing?”

“Uh, opening. They’re with me so whatever they get just keep it on my tab,” Calum returns, pointing over to you. 

The bartender nods, eyes locking on you only for a couple beats after they return the card. “Sounds good. The two of you on the same tab, got it. So just Sprites for now?”

“Yeah,” Calum nods. 

“Got it.” The bartender turns for the glasses. 

“You made it!”

Calum turns to the sound of Michael’s voice, leaning in across the wooden bar. “Are you saying you worried about me?” Calum teases. He laughs with more humor than he actually feels but is swift to give Michael a hug in greeting. 

“Ah, glad to see you again,” Michael addresses you. The hug is quick. “I’m still fucking drooling over those cupcakes every time I think about them.”

“Hi, Michael. It’s a pretty easy recipe,” you offer at the start.

“Oh, I’m a shit baker. But I’d certainly help,” he laughs. “The rest of us are on the second level. The couches that overlook the dance floor if you want to join. Everyone’s up there.”

The three of you pause and Calum feels the heated stares directed at him from you and Michael. “Well, not everyone,” Michael corrects. “But our group is.”

Maybe Nora won’t show. Maybe in the club of this size they won’t cross paths. But the dread is still like lead in his gut at the prospect. It could all still happen. “Thanks. We’ll be up in a second. Have you seen Keegan?”

“Uh, it was maybe half an hour ago. On the dance floor. God only knows where he is now,” Michael answers. 

There’s a slight drift, where Michael’s gaze falls to the floor and then back to Calum and Calum wonders if that means. If it’s a warning of something more, Calum doesn’t really get the chance to ask it before a glass is handed over to him. The clear liquid fizzes and he knows it’s the soda. 

“Keegan’s floating right now. We’ll make sure we find him,” Michael adds on in the mindset of the distraction. “Let me get my drink and we’ll head up to the couches together.”

Calum agrees, but he can still feel it in his toes that he’s desperate to find somewhere safe. Surveying the dance floor is a little useless. It’s dark. A lot of people are paired up, swaying to the bass that rattles through the building. It feels nearly impossible to piece together who’s who until they’re mere inches from him. Safety may be a nearly impossible desire to achieve. 

The passing seconds are filled with the bile of anxiety and introductions. Even in the few minutes it takes for Michael to get his drink, multiple old football teammates approach him with slaps on the shoulder. They smile over at you as Calum introduces you. He’s sure you’re just barely keeping up with all the names. But they come and go--also looking for something to drink as well. But there’s still a little bit of panic as each one approaches that he’s going to come face to face with her. 

Maybe getting it over with early will save him. Maybe it’ll just sour the whole night. But neither possibility comes to fruition just yet. Michael turns back around, two drinks in hand and leads the way through the crowd up towards the stairs and then to the corner the boys have commandeered. You stay close, which is a saving grace, fingers threaded through Calum’s. But once the couches fill out and Ashton, Luke, and a couple others fill out your vision, you ease away just a hair. Your warmth still seeps into his arm, and side, but the press of your palm into his is gone. 

“Thought you might’ve been avoiding us,” Ashton teases as you and him embrace.

“Who says I wasn’t,” you laugh. It’s a sound Calum could place anywhere, even in the temple splitting thump of the club. Ashton’s laughter is sharp too in response. 

“You okay?” Luke asks in his greeting with Calum. The two are inches away, glasses in hand but neither one of them looks really sipped at all. 

“Sometimes I think I’m crazy,” Calum returns, part of it is humorous. But the other part is true. 

“We’re here for you. Just…just stick with us,” Luke suggests. And it’s viable. But Calum’s not sure if you’re going to want to dance at some point. Then there’s the countdown. But maybe Calum’s too caught up on what could happen that it’s taking away from what is happening right now. 

“Thanks, man. I appreciate it. How was your Christmas?” It’s best to change the subject. Better to distract, since Calum’s already here and Ashton’s got you sucked into a conversation. 

“Pretty good, I went home and spent time with my family, which is always nice. We started looking at wedding venues, finally.”

Calum whistles. The proposal went smoothly, but not much progress had been made since the early spring about it. Not that Calum thought there needed to be any rush. The group was just coming off the tails of Michael’s wedding in January and Luke’s proposal in April. Maybe after the buzz of the holidays there was more space to consider the details now. 

“Still thinking about a wedding planner?” Calum asks. 

“We have a meeting with one in..two weeks? I’m not sold on it. She is though, so we’ll see how it goes.”

“Buddy, I love you, but you can barely plan a dinner party.” Luke asked for a more intimate setting to gather but scrambled to get a date and time until four days prior and still asked if people were okay with bringing a dish--a bit potluck style. It wasn’t a huge bother for Calum, but still rather a tight deadline in the grand scheme of things. It was made doubly sour because Luke had nearly a month to get it together. 

“It was one attempt. I need redemption, you know this!” Luke laughs. 

“Your proposal I think might be redemption enough. Get the wedding planner,” Calum states. 

Luke’s shrug is noncommittal as he goes for a sip of his drink. “My knee still hurts from time to time after that.”

“You’re the one that wanted to propose on the cliffside.”

“Because it would be romantic. And it was!” Luke defends. 

“The videos do it justice.” While Calum hadn’t been there for the actual event itself, he’d help get Luke’s partner around the city in the meantime to get her nails done and to grab lunch. Ashton and Michael helped ensure the house was set up and Luke was working with other friends to get the final touches on the cliff situation. The entire thing went smoothly from what Calum had been told. 

“You finally going to give yourself some new year's resolutions?” 

It’s not that Calum doesn't believe in resolutions. He doesn’t believe in the timing of them. Changes can be made any day, any time, any month of the year. The pressure to start new on exactly January first feels too trivial. It’s not realistic. “You already know the answer to that,” he laughs, watching the way Luke smiles well before he finishes the question. 

“Ah, c’mon I had to try and see if you’ve changed your mind at all about them. Looks like it’s still the same.”

“Yeah, it’s still the same,” Calum agrees. “What are yours? And I swear if you say gym again for the fifth year in a row I might have to disown you as a friend.”

Laughter shakes Luke’s shoulders. “Guess you gotta disown me then.”

“C’mon, man. You say that shit every year and in three months you give up.” It’s not that Luke doesn’t work out. He is good at getting four days in at the gym. But Luke’s always said he wanted to bulk up a little and every year he stays about the same. “Besides, I don’t think you need to bulk up at all. You look good.”

“Oi, easy for you to say. But I don’t know. Maybe I should just say I’m going to stay consistent. It’s helping the ol’ knees stay in good shape so it’s better than nothing.”

“You cannot talk about knees,” Calum laughs, halfway to taking a sip before he pauses. “Don’t do that to me.”

The conversation carries Calum away from the dread, away from the anxiety. He settles in with Luke, Michael, and Ashton, with you only a few steps away talking to Michael’s wife and Luke’s fiancée. It’s easy here. So fucking easy and he almost chastizes himself for being so worried. He’d worried about all that and it’s building to be for nothing. It’s just a party. One singular night in the grand scheme of the cosmos--hardly a drop in the bucket. He’d forget all the exact details of the party in a few months. This night wouldn’t matter in a few months, if he’s honest. He’d twisted himself sideways only for him and his boys to spend most of the night laughing into their glasses. 

Calum feels the press of you into his back, one of your hands curling around his elbow. Or at least, he assumes it’s you as he can’t quite see, but when your voice floats up through the music, he relaxes a bit more. “Want another soda?” you ask. 

“Uh, no. Do you want something though? I’ll go with you,” he offers. “Or go get it. Either way.”

“No, no, stay here. I don’t mind. You sure you don’t want anything? Water, maybe?”

Water does sound nice. It’s growing warm in the club. Though the area they’ve settled into isn’t packed like the dancefloor, the sheer amount of people in here is radiating heat upwards. “Water, if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t. I’ll get it for you, love.”

Calum nods, watching you carry down the steps. He watches until the red of your shirt is totally absorbed--sucked in by the red of the lights and the sheer distance of your body moving further and further from him. When he can’t see you anymore, Calum turns back to the group. It’s easy to forget as some old football teammates meander their way over and start regaling the tight games, the well fought victories. Calum’s sucked back into a time he remembers so fondly, that he’s not really paying attention to Michael, who seems to have a bit of a wide eyed stare. 

What is he on about? Calum thinks to himself and just as he goes to settle his full attention to Michael; he hears her. Her voice loud as it has to be to be caught over the music and just from his left, behind Joshua, Nora appears. Right behind her, Calum recognizes Sean--the son to a business mogul, known for advancements in pharmaceuticals. Sean’s father is the grandson to an old and well respected politician, a path Sean’s father didn’t take, but Sean definitely has as a lobbyist. 

“Got space for us to squeeze in?” 

The circle shuffles to accommodate them. Calum moves too, a couple steps back and one step closer to Ashton, but he watches the way Nora slips in and Sean steps in to her right. They look cozy. Calum shouldn’t assume and he shouldn’t be worried, but something in his gut lurches. Are they dating? Just as the question surfaces for him, it’s answered when Sean slips his arm over her shoulder. Nora reaches up and the stone dazzles in the light. It’s not the same cut Calum was looking at--a pear cut gem to the marquise that he’d been on the verge of purchasing. 

“Oh, that’s quite the ring,” Joshua quips. “Congratulations appear to be in order, yeah?”

Nora nods. “Yeah, he proposed on Christmas Eve. So if this is on the news circuit tomorrow, I’ll know who to start with,” she laughs. 

It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t hurt. It stings--sharp, but fleeting. Granted it had been two years  and growing at this point. There was plenty of time. They had plenty of time to heal and move on. And he’s happy she has moved on. He’s glad neither one of them is stuck wallowing or bitter. But still, something about it still feels like a shock. 

“Congrats,” Calum returns. He wishes he hadn’t finished his drink so fast. He wishes he’d gone with you to get another. What should he do with his hands? He could still leave, dismiss himself with his empty cup, and find you. But is it really that bad? It’s just…a ring. Nora had every right to move on. He had. It’s just a ring, but it’s also so much more. His brain can’t quite place it in this moment, but he knows it is more than just a ring. Calum knows he should stop staring at the ring. It takes another minute to peel his gaze away, only for it to land on Nora’s face. Her hair is shorter--much shorter than she used to wear it. He doesn’t think it was this short at the Summit either. The black strands just brush the top of her shoulders, right near the base of her neck.

“Thanks.” Nora’s smile is tight and a little awkward. “Looks like things are good for you too, Calum?”

It sounds like it’s too much of a question. Like Nora’s somehow unsure or worried about Calum’s response. “They are,” he answers with a nod. Because it is the truth. Things are going well—with you, at his job.  Calum doesn’t miss Nora. Doesn’t want what they had back. It’s just the grief in all of its big and obnoxious ways. Calum is just staring his own grief in the face. He’s sure Nora’s doing the same. Like one might do after losing a parent and looking back at the old photographs. There’s the idea of what once was. 

“Good,” Nora smiles. This one feels a bit more lived in, relaxed in the way that only comes with relief. 

The seconds tick by are thick and slow. Calum can feel the eyes on him, how Luke, Michael and Ashton are locked into his every move. Calum wonders if this is how animals feel at the zoo with their handlers, watched in a way that reminds the animal that it is dangerous and wild, unpredictable. But Calum’s not a wild animal. He’s not going to spook. He can handle this. Even if it’s hard and awkward. It won’t kill him--not literally at least. “So, I guess we really shouldn’t make a competition of who got what for Christmas,” Calum starts. “Don’t know if any of us can top an engagement.”

It cuts the tension nicely. The group laughs and it’s a nice segway for Joshua to give the news of his own engagement--the day after Christmas--had been accepted too. The group gives another round of cheers and congratulations to the news.  “And here I am. Solo island,” Ashton laughs. 

“My wife keeps saying she knows someone,” Michael offers with a laugh. 

“No, I love your wife. She’s amazing. But I did go on a date with that girl she’s talking about and it went so poorly,” Ashton says. His laughter dissolves into the retelling of the disastrous date--spilling pasta sauce all over himself, getting the girl’s cut caught in the car door. They’re all minor snafu’s but it all accumulates to a degree that a second date was pretty unsalvageable. It earns the group’s sympathy.

Calum slips his arm over Ashton’s shoulder in comfort. Even though Calum never laments his own friends' hardships, he is glad to have the focus shifted from him. “You cannot be that harsh on yourself, Ash,” Calum reprimands. “It probably wasn’t all that bad.”

“Mate, utter dog shit, I’m telling you,” Ashton confirms with a grin. “But there’s a pretty cute librarian I’m having a hard time asking out. I took some of my younger cousins for the day and we made a stop at the library, to help give my aunt a day of sanity, you know. And this librarian, she’s really cute, but I feel like I’m cursed after that disastrous date.”

“One bad date is not the end all be all,” Calum encourages. 

“Yeah, you could always go back and ask for a library card or something. Ask for a book recommendation,” Nora suggests. 

“It’s not a bad idea,” Calum agrees. “If you think she’s cute, then it’s worth a shot. At least one.”

Ashton shakes his head, taking a sip of his drink. “I don’t know. Maybe. I think I gotta shake the bad juju off.”

“No better shake than getting back onto the wheel,” Luke chimes in. 

“Shit!” 

“I’m so sorry!”

Calum looks over his shoulder and notices you shaking your hands, like one might do in attempts to get something off them. You’re only a couple steps away from the group, in what looks like attempts to get back with the drinks but getting either bumped or walked into causing those plans to be thwarted. Calum pats Ashton’s chest. “I’ll be right back,” he calls out before walking closer to you. 

There’s more apologies but you spend more time trying to console her than you do worry about the fizzing beer in your hand--and all over them too. “You okay?” Calum asks, slipping a hand along your lower back. 

You nod. “Yeah, yeah, just an accident. I’ll need to get you another water once I get cleaned up.”

The other girl’s so focused and too buzzed as she takes the couple napkins she got with her drinks to dab at the front of your shirt to think fully about what she’s doing. “God, I’m so sorry I ruined your shirt too. I should’ve been more mindful about where I was stepping.”

“Hey, no, it’s fine. Just a shirt,” you offer. “Don’t sweat it. And you don’t have eyes in the back of your head.” 

“Was it the water or beer on your shirt?” Calum asks. Your shrug is enough of an answer before he starts thinking about if he has any spare clothes in his truck. He thinks he’s got a bag of old clothes he’d been meaning to donate that might have something. But he’s not sure. 

It takes a couple more tries to console the girl who stepped into you and reunite her with the people she’d come with before Calum leads you back down the stairs and towards the front door. The stamps on your hands do allow for re-entry so there’s not much worry on that front as you return the now half empty bottle and glass to the bar. 

“We can check my truck. I might have a spare shirt,” Calum comments. 

“I need to wash my hands first. That beer’s going to get sticky if I don’t.”

“Oh, yeah, you’re right. I’ll head to my truck and you take care of that. I’ll meet you at the bathrooms.”

“Thanks, love. I appreciate it.”

“Of course,” he returns, pressing a quick kiss to your forehead. The night is cold as he sips out the front doors. The bouncers don’t give him any issues as he goes. He hopes that bag is actually in the back of his truck. He’d been working on gathering the clothes for the last couple of weeks, and can’t remember right now if it was in the trunk or not.

But the headlights blink as Calum unlocks the doors and eases the tailgate up. There, like a beacon, is the white plastic bag of clothes. “Thank fuck,” he whispers to himself and unties the knot. The clothing items are cold, thanks to the days and nights it’s spent in the truck, but they’re clean and not covered in beer. They’ll have to do for the rest of the night. Calum spots another red top--it’s a button down with a vertical white pin striping design over the entire shirt. He hadn’t worn it in ages and was pretty sure it wasn’t a fit issue, just too many other things he wore more consistently to feel the need to hold onto the item. 

Calum is a little glad for the warmth of the party. It cuts through the chill of sobriety and the winter night. It’s fairly easy to wind through the folks at the border between bar and dancefloor until he reaches the bathrooms. You stand at the start of the hallway that leads to them, your own red button up still clinging to your stomach. 

“I tried to match the theme,” Calum laughs, holding out the new unsoiled item. 

“A real knight in shining armor moment, I appreciate it,” you return, a smile grin decorating your face. “I think it’s mostly water that got on me though. Nothing smells bad yet.”

“Trying to save it?”

“Maybe?” You answer unsure and Calum spots the indecision in your face. 

“There’s some back patios if you want to freeze for a tiny bit to dry it out before we bag it up. I’ve got spare plastic bags on hand.” That Calum knows he has as he keeps them in a reusable bag that sits on his back seat. He’d tell people it’s for emergencies, but there’s very few emergencies that need plastic bags. 

“It is fucking cold out,” you agree. 

“Just change first. Then we’ll worry about the rest second.”

It’s a semi confident nod you give before turning on your heel and heading back towards the bathroom. It’s only a couple minute wait before you resurface and Calum leads you back towards the front rather than towards the back. If you want to save the shirt, he’s not going to risk yours or his health at the same time. 

There’s very little wind, which is a good thing as the two of you breach the front doors and back outside. The rattling music echoes quieter now behind you. Calum’s keys click gently with each step. “I see Nora found you,” you comment, hand squeezing his. 

“I doubt she was looking for me, but yeah.”

“Did it go okay? Sorry I wasn’t there.”

The headlights blink again--bright before cutting out nearly immediately which lets both of you know the vehicle is unlocked. Calum’s shaking his head, paused at the passenger door. “You don’t have to apologize. You went to get us drinks. There’s no way you would’ve known she was headed our way unless you want to admit now you have some sort of supernatural ability.”

Your laughter is short and mostly through your nose. “No, not psychic in the slightest.”

“I didn’t think so. Hop in, we’ll use the vents and the heat to see if we can salvage ourselves and your shirt.”

Calum makes sure that you’re fully situated into the seat before shutting the door and jogs around the front to get the driver side. The blast of chilly air from the car vents is cut rather quickly by the heat. You hold a section of the shirt up directly to the vent to dry it out. The radio reads 11:38 in the glow it casts through the front of the truck. 

“You’re not dead, so I take it the interaction didn’t kill you,” you tease. 

It stung. It definitely stung and maybe it’s not even Nora really. Just the fucking grief. “No, it didn’t. It was…a little awkward but survivable.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“She’s engaged.” It falls softly and Calum can taste his own disbelief still. His head falls back into the cushion of the rest and he can only really stare up at the roof, where the mirror waits to be pulled down for the imagined sun that’s covered now by the thick light of the moon. 

“I’ll propose right now. I don’t have a ring but I mean what’s a better way to get a one up than a New Year's proposal?”

Calum knows he shouldn’t, but he laughs. It’s not that he wouldn’t say yes. It’s not that he doesn’t believe you. He does. He knows he’d accept too. Shit, he’d accept. It’s not a conclusion that he’d really settled into. It’d only been a few months and though he’d fallen hard for you, he’d always imagined being more cautious about the long term commitments. Having you by his side makes daily life better--not necessarily easier, but bearable. You help him get through the sludge of laundry and you listen to the boring stuff. You make him laugh when he needs it most. You ask the hard questions. And it’s you that you Calum wants to do the hard work with. 

The sound of your laughter overtakes his as Calm feels the stunned silence of realization dawn over. He drops his head to look at you. You’re still pushed to the edge of the passenger seat, still holding your wet shirt to the vent. It’s you. He knew that--subconsciously. It just hadn’t broken the surface. But he exhales as you turn your attention back to the vent, moving a new section of the shirt to the vent. 

He’d accept your proposal and maybe eventually you might even accept his. “This isn’t about one upping anyone. But I do appreciate the offer.”

“Just needed to hear you laugh.”

But Calum doesn’t think it’s just a joke. It couldn’t only be a moment of levity meant to cut through the otherwise heavy tension that had fallen upon them. He thinks you might mean it. He knows he will eventually. The radio displays in the blue hue the time: 11:45. The minutes are falling away from him faster than Calum thought they would. His chest doesn’t feel as heavy, not after laughing, but mixed in with grief is a tiny bit of hope. A precarious spot to have such a small seedling but Calum cherishes it. He hopes it can suffocate out the dread. 

“How’s the shirt coming along?” he asks. 

“I think it’s the best I’m going to get for the time being. I do want to be there for the count down, if you’re still game to go back inside.” You bring it to your nose and scrunch your face at the smell. 

“I’m tough,” Calum returns, not really flexing all that hard but it makes you snort as you toss the shirt into the back seat. 

“Real tough,” you nod, leaning across the console. 

The digits blink and the minute rolls over to 11:51. “Beer got on it, huh?”

“A little I think. I’m sure it’s on my pants too. But those are dark enough that it doesn’t matter.”

“We can start the new year with a pile of laundry in the morning. My treat.”

You snort. “I’d appreciate that.”

Calum cuts the heat off first, catching 11:53 on the display before cutting the engine off next. It’s a light jog you two undertake to cross the parking lot and get back into the club. The heat of the bodies crowding the dancefloor is thick. Calum tightens his hold around your hand and tugs you in a little closer. 

“We’re only a few minutes away from the new year y’all! The five minutes will go quickly, so I hope you got your New Year’s kiss at the ready,” the DJ calls out over the sound system. 

The quick speech only spurs more and more people to flood the floor. The couches that you and Calum were perched early now seem nearly impossible to reach again. So he slides you in front of him, his lips are pressed up against your ear. “Have you ever had a New Year’s kiss?” he asks. 

You shake your head no in response, turning to face him now. There’s bodies on either side of you, people pressed into Calum’s back and into yours too. But when you gaze at him it doesn’t matter. “Care to be the first?” you ask.

“We’re ringing in the new year in two minutes!” the DJ announces between the cross fades between songs. 

“And your last while we’re at it,” Calum returns. 

“Ah, I didn’t think we were proposing today.”

“We’re not. Not yet anyway.”

Your brow arches. “Not yet.” It sounds like an agreement, like you too might know that it’s a future goal but not one to be breached just yet. 

Calum’s still got a way to go--see if he can get even stronger around the grief. He still doesn’t know what his future looks like in terms of when he’ll be taking over the throne. It might be best to only take one thing at a time but just because it’s not right now doesn't mean it’s not ever. With so many things happening, so many changes, he savors the idea that he can take his time with this, build more and more of a strong foundation with you. 

“Ten! Nine! Eight!” The chant starts with the DJ and soon the crowd joins in. 

“Five! Four!”

The inches are gone by the time the count down finishes. Though the crowd’s cheering about the new year, Calum’s only focused on you--the soft press of your lips, the warmth of you seeping into his skin through the layers of clothing, the buzz that lights up under his skin. His hands hover for a moment, as they move from your chin to tilt your head down to your hips. Calum wouldn’t normally care this much. But you two are in public. So he wants to be mindful, wants to make sure he’s not taking more than you’re willing to give. It’s not that for a lack of extreme self control, not that it doesn’t knock against his ribs to pull you flush against him.  But he doesn’t have to do any of that. 

You step in, fingers slipping into the loops of his pants and tugging Calum in a tad bit closer. He follows the instruction, with minimal breaks to the kiss, to press his hands now into your lower back, easing and fingertips aching to cup your ass. This he does resist, but part of him thinks you wouldn’t mind it at all. Your fingers trail up his back, pressing at his shoulders until your fingers wind up in his hair. His lips pepper kisses along your jaw. He starts to melt into the scratch of your nails at his scalp. 

“Happy New Year, love,” you breathe into his ear. 

And Calum has to laugh--because he’s not thinking about the new year, or the party, or Nora, or the mess on your pants, on how sticky the floor to this club is underneath his shoes from all the other drinks that were spilled here. The caress of your lips and hands over his body is enough to make all those worries disappear. 

“Happy New Year, baby,” he finally giggles out. 

The rattle of the bass pulsates again, shaking the floor beneath his feet. A chaste kiss is pressed to his cheek before you peel your upper body away from him just a little. Not enough to break the embrace, but enough that there’s a bit of cold air that rushes in and as it slips across Calum’s face, he realizes just how hot his face got, how lost he’d been. 

“Should I attempt the second round of drinks again or no?” you ask. 

“We can go together this time,” Calum offers. “And I’ll make sure if a drink must be spilled it’s on me this time.”

“I think we all much prefer no more spilled drinks. One is already too much of a party faux pas. But lead the way.”

“One more kiss?”

You roll your eyes, head falling back just a little with what Calum barely catches as your laughter. The skin of your neck dazzles in the passing blue and red strobe lights. He almost wants to sink his teeth into it, but again, reframes even in a place like this. When you bring your head back up, you nod. The gap’s shorter this time, you break the centimeters down in one final swoop as you press up and capture Calum’s lips again. 

He hums at the feeling--the every so slight hint of the Sprite from hours ago, the fading taste of your minty toothpaste from earlier. It reminds him he’s not dead. When you latch onto his waist at the bar, both of you leaning in close to be heard by the bartender, Calum’s reminded that even if he wanted the night to prove him right, to prove him as weak, he’d been stronger than anticipated. It didn’t matter if he wobbled at it either; even if he’d sworn up and down the dread and the unknown and the grief would kill him, it hadn’t. 

They most likely never would.

____________________________________

Charlie squeezes at your hand the closer you all get. His steps are bounces next to you. The eagerness radiates off him and you wish it were contiguous. At least then, it’d mask the waves in your ocean as something thinking. Because as it currently stands, you think you’re going to puke, and not because the walls are so white and bright. Not because you can still smell the chemicals from the cleaners they use. Not because people are staring at you. You think you might puke because you’re in front. Melvin and Teagan are behind you and you and Charlie follow behind the attendant--a young woman probably a couple years younger than you if you had to hazard a guess. You don’t remember her name--it started with an H and you think it was Harmony, maybe it was Heather. She greeted you with a big smile and welcomed the four of you inside with a large wave after you’d checked in and slapped the neon green visitor stickers to your chests. 

But none of that matters anymore. You’d have to apologize for ruining such pristine floors. Because as much as you think you’re going to puke, it starts to feel like a reality once you spot Diana. You see her before she can see you, as she swipes at something on the table that you can’t see. It might be crumbs; it could be nothing and just a nervous fidget-one last nervous tic- before she turns to you all. 

The white cardigan swallows Diana’s body, long and big. Yet, somehow her face looks fuller than it has since the last time you saw her. It’s probably the alcohol, though she’d undoubtedly drank herself into the depths, she was probably also not eating as she should. You take in this visage of her; she looks like you imagine a person should look like--no saggy bags and dark circles, no sunken in cheeks. She looks well and her grin is bright as she runs up to the group. Her arms are opened wide. Charlie pulls from your hold just a little, a laugh falling from his lips too. “Mom,” he calls out, closing the distance of a few ten feet or so.

Charlie wears the Birthday Boy pin you’d jokingly gotten for him. It’s pinned into his shirt, right across from the visitor sticker. You worry as he collides into Diana the pin will jut out and poke him, or her. But their embrace is tight and long. Perhaps, the construction of the flimsy thing is studier than it appears. Teagan whizzes past you too towards Diana. 

Diana takes her in with open arms too. “Oh, my babies!” she laughs, but you catch how wet the sound is. Behind the exclamation is the relief. Three months without much contact outside of the phone calls appears to have caught up to her, to them too. 

Melvin hazards just a couple more steps past you and that’s the only thing that makes you realize you’ve paused. He turns back and extends out his hand-a lifeline, the buoy you hadn’t realized you’d been looking for. You ease up a step. Then another. You don’t take Melvin’s hand, but your arm brushes against the tips of his fingers. He seems to understand as he gives a gentle squeeze on your bicep rather than the first offer hand. 

It’s supposed to be a joyous occasion. It’s supposed to be filled with hugs. But by God, you still have failed to conceptualize where you fit. All the talk you’d given to Calum about grief and being stronger than it, but you’d been failing that test too to stand up the battering grief gave. Melvin stays with you until the two of you are only a couple feet apart from Diana. Then he goes in for a hug and a kiss. Intimate, but chaste all the same. They look lost--but not the wandering kind of uncertainty. You get the feeling from Melvin and Diana that you think you have with Calum. They are only lost in each other, only slotting back the pieces that’d been missing. 

Melvin’s not a big guy--about 6’2--and Diana’s not too far behind him at 5’9. But she folds into his chest and you ponder if you should look away. Not that the sight makes you sick, not that you think you can’t witness it as an adult yourself. But you feel the need to steady yourself, check to make sure ribs haven’t actually caved in and haven’t actually punctured a lung. Everything you could’ve wanted for your younger self in front of you and you’re not sure if you can withstand the crushing wave. The tiles on the floor are still spotless here too.

“I’m glad you came,” Diana says. 

You look up at the sound of her voice and she’s a step in front of Melvin, Charlie and Teagan nestled on either side of her. It’s a family that is complete. It’s the family the way it should have always been. Your mouth gapes and you can feel the words burning the tip of your tongue--a dismissal, a joke about how you wouldn’t miss Charlie’s birthday for anything. You can’t say of course you’d come to visit. You shouldn’t give Diana a platitude covered lie. So you just nod.  

“So what’s there to do in this place?” Teagan asks. Her curious mind, undoubtedly, scanning the area surrounding them. 

“Oh, well, I sleep and eat,” Diana laughs. “But for such a special occasion, I got some special dibs on a few card games and a couple board games.”

“And we did bring some treats. But we were told we couldn’t bring them inside,” Charlie relays, having been disappointed about the no outside food in the lobby rule. But you offered, in condolences, that you could maybe sit outside with a few of the snacks. The nurse agreed it would be permissible but that you’d have to use the side garden with supervision. 

“Oh, I’m excited for that,” Diana returns. “But have you all been good? How’s school?”

Charlie and Teagan recount their days in the past week at school--quizzes to take, new things they’ve learned. It all feels so mundane, or that it should be. And to them it probably is as they settle at the large round table. This is normal to them but you feel like you can’t press on, like you can pass through the invisible wall lest you break something or ruin the moment. Melvin stays with you though--in between you and them--that buoy again, a bridge. 

“I know you’re used to standing at your job, but you can sit here, if you’d like,” he offers. 

You take a step. The ground doesn’t shake. Maybe things won’t fall apart. You take another and Melvin walks at your pace until you both reach the table. You don’t want to ruin this. You don’t want to ruin Charlie’s birthday. You don’t want to ruin the first face to face interaction Diana’s had with them in months. But you cannot shake the feeling of fear. You do not for the life of you want to fucking ruin this and you hope Diana doesn’t want to either. You hope it can stay on Charlie and Teagan. It’s so much easier that way. Yet, Diana asked for you to come, so you think perhaps, there will always be something under the surface-- like a cryptid that’s always talked about, rumored about, but never seen. 

“What are taxes?” Teagan asks as her piece lands on the space. She looks over her career card.

“It’s money you pay, in real life, to the government. It helps pay for things like education and healthcare,” Melvin explains. 

“Then why is it in this game? This isn’t real life,” Teagan retorts. 

“Well, it’s the Game called Life, so it’s meant to mirror things in the real world,” Diana tacks on. 

“Charlie, we are not ever playing this game again,” Teagan huffs as she slides the bills over to the bank pile. He’d picked the game to play. 

“Hit Happy Old Age and then we never will,” he laughs in return, picking up the die for his roll. 

“If this is supposed to be real life, we should have pets.” It feels so matter of factly from Teagan. You figure in a place like this the funding’s not always going towards the latest and greatest in boardgame technology. But she’s not one to argue with. 

“I still miss Hungry, Hungry, Hippos,” you muse, taking in account your position on the board. You think maybe you should swap careers, but know that you’re pushing your luck with what’s already been traded in. 

“What’s that?” Charlie asks. 

“Just a game where you slap the crap out of a lever and try to collect as many balls into your hippos mouth/side. Largest amount wins,” you explain. 

“Do they have that Mom?” Teagan questions. 

Diana shakes her head. “No, but it is a pretty fun game. Maybe when I’m back home we can get it and play.”

“Hmm, okay, sounds good,” Charlie returns but then huffs when he lands on a bad space. “C’mon! I’m so close. I don’t want any taxes,” he huffs, pulling his card from the pile. You only laugh, watching the intensity on his face as he reads over what he’s supposed to do next. 

As the hours pass and the games of Clue and Life and the rounds of Uno wind down to the close, when all the laughter is falling down around you, you left feeling Diana’s gaze. You feel it like the needle of a tattoo gun piercing skin--constantly and with a prick each time. You’d noticed it earlier, in the last round of Uno, when you were itching to slap your +2 down but ate the two cards you were forced to take, since Teagan had been particularly prickly about adhering to the “real rules” for one round. The house rules-while enjoyable-weren’t always easy to be on the receiving end of. Thus, leaving you to play more cautiously since Charlie and Teagan were on either side of you and they’d be enduring all of the suffering had you not gone as easy as you had. And all the while, as you picked up cards, and put them back down, you contended with Diana’s pointed stare--if you’d actually meet her gaze or focus on your cards in your hand. 

But all things come to an end and when Charlie asks if you all can go to the side garden to enjoy the snacks while there’s still plenty of light from the afternoon sun, Diana asks for you to stay back from Melvin, Teagan, and Charlie’s walk to the front and out to the car for the cooler and grocery bags. The wave of bile crashes against your throat, though it never crosses your lips as you help her reassemble the games and place them back onto the communal shelf. The rattle of the game pieces cuts through the soft sound of the TV as a ding sounds from the episode of Family Feud. 

“I owe you an apology,” Diana starts. “For the way I acted at the restaurant; I’m sorry. It was wrong of me to ambush you like that. You’ve been very clear in your boundaries with me and I crossed them. I’m sorry, too, for the drinking now and before. It was my duty, and still is my duty to be your mother, I feel. I failed that by being worried about everything else but you.”

There’s no warning, no wind up to this spiel that Diana’s launching into. You can still feel the dust of the shelves on your fingertips as you’ve yet to bring your hands back to your sides. You hate how much this apology too reminds you of an ambush, of Diana forcing onto you something you’re not ready for. But you’ve all but begged for an apology. You fantasized about how it might sound to hear Diana admit her wrongdoing. You wondered if she’d look you in the eyes. You wondered if she’d hold your hands. You wondered if you’d cry. All you feel is the instinctual part of your brain telling you to stay still and the danger will pass. 

“And I think I’m messing up again,” she laughs when you don’t speak. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

What do you say to that? Do you tell her it’s okay even if it’s not? Do you give her a platitude knowing it’s a fucking lie anyway? “We’re rusty,” you return and straighten up to face her. “Very rusty.”

Diana nods, gaze falling to the floor. “I just--would it help to give you context? Why I did what I did?”

“I hope we’re not talking about the drinking.” You feel like a parent now with how much she refuses to meet your gaze. It’s not that Diana was in trouble, per se. She’d already been in trouble. But she looks like she’s been caught, hands wringing around themselves. She’d not get deeper in trouble with you or anyone else. But you admit that you were the nail in the coffin for her. You’d been the final blow and you can’t fault the apprehension. 

“Well,” she starts and then stops. 

It’d be so easy to say Diana’s just doing this for herself. It’d be easy to theorize that she’s got some sort of homework that she needs to check off, so she can take it back to the doctors here and prove to them that she’s really improving. But you know you shouldn’t. You know that you need to give her some amount of hope. Change in people is real and Diana’s among them that deserve a shot at it. 

“Yes, and no. But I mostly want to explain everything and my actions,” Diana answers, finally looking back up to you. 

“You’re sure about doing it here? Now?” But the question should be are you sure you’re ready to hear such context here and now. The question should be: will anything that Diana says change how you feel? Would it truly ever make a difference? 

Diana nods. “I am.”

I’m not. You inhale for three seconds, then exhale for five. It doesn’t stop the thump of your heart against your ribs, but you nod too. “Then I’m all ears.” You can feel the heat on your skin, the prickle of sweat on your pits and palms. You’re all nerves too, exposed like cut wires. 

Diana nods. But there’s a few second gap before she speaks again. You don’t know if there’s enough time to laugh or to cry. Diana starts before you can make up your mind, “I can only recall in pieces what I said to you that night. I just know I wanted you home and that I admitted that drinking was sometimes easier to do than face the reality. But it’s not your fault. Melvin and I made choices and we have to live with the outcome. I felt unprepared to be a parent, but it’d been something I always wanted, you know? I wanted the house, the white picket fence, the three kids, the dog, maybe even the cat. I wanted that but when I got pregnant with you, I was not ready to be a mother. There were plenty of other options for me to choose from. I am not faulting you. I made those choices and I should’ve asked for help. Melvin and I both should’ve. But I was the oldest of the girls and I was supposed to have it together. I realize now that’s an expectation I have to unburden myself of. I just wanted to do it right and do it myself. But it was not without cost. 

“I’m really, so sorry. I failed you. You needed a mother, not a drunk. And maybe you still want a mother too, in me. I don’t know,” she sighs. She blinks rapidly, swallows hard by the bob of her throat. You mimic the action, eyes blinking back hot tears. When they started to fall you don’t know. But they’re here now. They fall down your cheeks and you don’t even think to wipe them away. Being human is the most universal condition--a fallible being who’s bound to make mistakes, and bound to want to fix them too. 

Diana continues on. “That night outside your job, I wanted to ask you to come to the house, to spend time with me and your dad and try and repair our relationship. I didn’t ask it right. I can understand your anger and your frustrations with me. I made it about me and what I wanted, not about you. I’m sorry. Nothing feels right. Not with the way we stand. And I’d,” Diana pauses, her lower lip quivers. The emotions now breaking down the dam she’d been putting up before. “I’d like to repair it--our relationship, I mean. I’d really, really like my family unit complete with you there. I’d love to know what you do for fun or what your favorite color is, if it’s still green. I just, I think my heart will always ache for you and what could be.”

You don’t hate her. You don’t think the anger you felt was ever true hatred. It was frustration; it was fear. It was always the child in you begging to be listened to; the anger was always something else in disguise. You don’t hate Diana. You’re relieved to hear the admission. You’re relieved to be vindicated. But you don’t know if one apology fixes it all. You don’t know if the decades that haunted you can be put to rest in one speech. 

“I appreciate that,” you start. Diana swims in your vision before the blink clears away a few more tears. “Thank you for telling me. But I-I don’t know if I can answer all of that right now. I don’t know where we stand. I want you to be better for Charlie and Teagan. They need you right now more than I do.” 

It almost slips, the hotly pressed line of her lips tells you she’s still got a long way to go and so do you. Yet, Diana nods instead, the frustration slipping away just as quickly as it rose. “I’ll get it right eventually,” she returns, her words soft and choked. She wipes at her nose with the back of her hands. “Thanks for listening to me.”

A nurse comes by with a box of tissue and you both take a few to wipe your faces. You are here, in the rehab center, off to the side in the visitor center. You’re surrounded, others with their loved ones as well, the TV still playing just loud enough in the background. Somehow the interjection of the tissues brings you back down to earth. You should say something else. You know it, feel it in your bones that you should, but you don’t have the words on your tongue anymore. 

“We got the goods!” Teagan calls out. Her feet thud behind you but echo louder as she approaches. “I was told by the nurse I could collect you two!” she laughs but it cuts short just as she reaches you two. “Were there big feelings I missed?” Her voice falls into a whisper. 

“It’s all okay, sweetheart,” Diana answers. “Now what are these snacks, huh?”

Before Teagan gets more than two steps out towards the door to the side garden, she takes hold of your wrist. “No one gets left behind. Not with Oreos on the line.”

Tossing the used tissue into the trash, you slip your hand up into hers. “You’re right, kiddo. Thanks.” 

Later in the night, after collecting your car from the house and saying goodbye to Teagan and Charlie, and after you’ve slithered into bed, skin still warm from the shower, you think about what you could’ve said to Diana. You could’ve told her that part of you always wanted to fix it. You could’ve told her that you’re too scared to fail again. You could’ve told her about the gala and the painting that sold. You could’ve told her about the website that you’re about to start building; how it’s almost done. You could’ve told her that you’re working just for individuals first and then you’ll start taking on bigger projects for stores and companies. You could’ve told her how you’ve quite enjoyed your time working the bar. You could’ve told her that you didn’t want to work in the restaurant world forever. 

But you didn’t tell her anything. 

Calum turns, you can feel the bed shake and dip. His warmth pulls back just a little from your side. You know he’s asleep. His breathing is deep and even, the occasional snore slipping from his chest. You watch him sleep for the moment, a small sliver of moonlight slips in through the curtains and you can see the essence of him--just enough light to see his laughs, the full lips set underneath his strong nose. 

You feel like you’re hiding. You feel like you’ve always been hiding, especially when it comes to your parents. It was the easy option. It was the safe option to hide. You’re hiding now, in these sheets, away from the world that could so kindly embrace you. It could hurt. And it would--that part you were certain of. The world would always hurt you but you had to be bigger than that. You had to be more than the hurt the world dished out. You would be more than just the things that had hurt you. 

You ease out from the bed, careful as you crack open the bedroom door. Calum doesn’t stir, holds steady to his position and you slide out into the hallways. The light is jarring, forcing you to squint your eyes. But you know these hallways better now thanks to the months and take them down to the stairs. From the stairs, you head up one floor, to the library. The doors are still heavy and wooden but you’re prepared for the heave as you work the door open. The moonlight echoes over the floors from the large windows along the east walls. 

There’s enough light that you can make your way through the room towards the windows, which will lead you to the middle row of tables. You switch on the lamps at the desk and they give off just enough light that you can rummage a bit more safely. You find a legal pad left behind--you don’t know who it belongs to but you take it. Situated at the corner of the table is a holder with several pens inside. You pull one out--attempting to discern if it’s blue or black ink but in the dark, it matters not what color it is. As you settle into a chair, right under the soft yellow glow of the lamp, the words--all the things you could verbalize--feel a little bit easier to get out. 

Diana, 

I bartend at the moment. I do one night in the week in the kitchen, but most of my shifts are at the bar. It makes me an acting manager if no one else is there, but I don’t mind the added responsibility for now. 

I paint too. I auctioned a piece off for the Royal charity gala this year and it went for 135,000 dollars. The number still feels surreal to me. 

I’m building a website to take commission and paint more. 

I’m in love with a man, who happens to be the prince, but to me he’s still a man that prefers my cooking to his own and promises me he’ll learn. I think he says it so I don’t feel bad, but I’d never feel bad. Because it means a lot to me that he enjoys it. He’s cared for Teagan and Charlie in ways I have not had to ask him to care, simply because he sees how much I care about them. I’d like a quiet life with Calum, or as quiet of a life as we can get all things considered. 

I have friends--people who like me for all the dry humor and general stand-off behavior I exhibit. There are people who see my heart and want nothing else in return for it really. 

I have fears too. 

I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again by you, and by Melvin. You two will always be my parents. You two will always hold that space. But I am afraid. I’m afraid I’ll be the kid again begging you to pay attention and getting cast aside time and time again. I’m afraid that if I get too close it’ll ruin you and thus, ruin Charlie and Teagan too. I’m afraid I might have ruined you, and them too, but I know that I only made choices that I felt were right. 

I don’t want Charlie or Teagan to have to go through what I went through. I want them to remember their mom and dad as present figures, as parents that tucked them in at night, as parents there for the games, and the recitals, and the science fairs. I want them to have everything I didn’t. I want, for them, in ways I have never wanted even for myself. I want things for them that they cannot fathom, and sometimes neither can I. I do not know if this is the same love a parent has for a child, but it feels close. 

I know you want things for me. You want things for yourself. You want things to be different between us for yourself too. I understand. 

Yet, I have so, so, so much fear. I fear you’re trying to get better for all the wrong reasons. Not for me. Not for Melvin. I want you to get better for you. I want you to see how strong you can be. And maybe, maybe then things can change between us. Maybe they won’t ever change. 

I’m willing to see where time takes us, if you are. But I can’t make any promises. Are you okay without promises? Are you okay with time, however long it takes? 

The words stare back at you and you think you could say more, but what more could you ask of her or yourself? How much more until it became impossible?

“Where did you sneak off to last night?” Calum asks as you both sit at the long kitchen table over cups of coffee. His voice is thick still with sleep, but he watches you carefully. The  hot pan Valerie works over sizzles as she drops something--you think it might be shredded potatoes, as it’s become her own signature breakfast dish. You’d tried to take over when you two first entered the kitchen, but she swatted at your hands with the spatula. It was enough to make you heed the warning. 

“I thought I was quieter than that.”

“I woke up at one point to use the bathroom and you weren’t in bed. But your phone was still on the nightstand so I wasn’t sure if you went to get a snack. I might’ve fallen back to sleep faster than I anticipated,” he snorts. 

“I went to the library,” you answer honestly. 

“You couldn’t sleep, hmm?”

You shake your head and stare down into the mug. The coffee’s bitter--more so than usual. But you watched Calum pour the sugar into your mug. You watched him put in just a splash of milk like he always does. And maybe it’s not the coffee at all. From the pocket of your robe, you pull out the two sheets of paper you filled last night and slide it over to Calum. 

He takes them. “Look at me, please?” You exhale before bringing your head up. “Wake me next time, okay? When you can’t sleep.”

“What if it’s all the time?” you tease. “I’ve heard a man like you needs his beauty sleep.”

“Then I’ll be a man that just looks haggard. Wake me,” he commands again. You know he means it. The sincerity drips from his gaze and if you could watch the falling drops they’d land too in his own mug. You nod and take another sip of the coffee; it’s just enough for him to turn his attention back down to the paper--satisfied with your response. 

You watch him read over the lines, eyes darting left to right and then down another line. Left to right. Then down another line. He goes until he reaches the end. Calum flips the page over and sets it face down onto the table. You wonder if he does that with all documents too, as to not lose any pages or get them out of order. He finishes before you can truly come back to your senses and asks, “Are you going to send it? Or just needed to get it off your chest?”

You hear the sounds of the questions but it takes another few seconds for the words to unravel and make sense. “I’m going to send it off, yeah. She just…she unloaded a lot onto me and I didn’t know how to respond in the moment.”

“Until now,” Calum corrects. 

“Until now,” you agree.

“I’ve got stamps in my office if you need one.” His words are calm. But his eyes are wide. 

“Have I shocked you? Was it something I said?”

“Have you shocked yourself? Just a few months ago, I think you were more inclined to spit on her grave plot. Now you’re asking her to give you time to see what changes, if anything. I know what she’s done to you. I know that you don’t have to forgive her. I know all the things I said, and did, and even assumed that you’d want to fix this, that you’d want something more. And I think, with time, it’s less about what you wanted as much as I saw what time might do. But the question still stands: Do you want anything from her for yourself?”

That--that was the hard part. You wanted things, but they were always for others. You wanted Diana to get better. But that was for Charlie and Teagan. You wanted her to get better for herself too, so that she could prove to herself what she was made of. But you don’t know if you’ve got anything else left in you to want for yourself with Diana. 

“I just want peace,” you return. “But even I don’t know what that looks right now. So maybe I do want time to figure that part out too.”

“You can ask for that,” Calum encourages, sliding the pages back to your side of the table. “You can ask for a truce and you can want peace.”

“What if peace is always a chasm?” It worries you that Diana will never let you go. Not now, not when she’s so close. 

Calum takes your hands, fingers peeling yours ever so gently from the mug before slotting his palms around your single hand. He squeezes and you squeeze back. “That’s not your war to fight. If you want peace and you’re able to be respectful about it, then it’s Diana’s burden to bear to heal and live with that too. She doesn’t get to dictate the conditions of your life anymore.”

Part of you likes the idea of being closer to Melvin. While you didn’t think you’d ever be where Calum and his parents are, you like the idea of having Melvin have some level of access to you personally. He was genuinely sweet. He wanted to treat you like a person--not like a child anymore. But with Diana you wondered if she could turn it off, be not a mom for a little bit and just be a person with you. 

“What if it’s just her?” you ask in a whisper. “What if she’s the only one that can’t do it?”

“Not your fight,” Calum answers with a shrug. “You don’t have to carry her behaviors and consequences. You are not at fault for what she does. If you need it, take this as permission to stop fighting her battles. It’s time she handles her own mess.”

Had you been taking up Diana’s fight as your own? Or does Calum just mean that you no longer have to dance around her feelings? But no matter how it shakes, no matter what he means, something exhales. You feel it in your lungs at first and then your shoulders drop. He is right. Diana’s own actions would have their own consequences. She shouldn’t be shielded from them. 

“I’ll need that stamp, if it’s not too much of a bother,” you state, rolling your shoulders back just a hair. 

“Never a bother.”

[moon-spirit-yue]

Settle Down

Chapter 1: You’re Cold and I Burn

(I feel like Raya deserves several apologies so I made this little fic. Also I’m a firm believer of angry Raya rights and bitter Benja rights. I really don’t think either of them really just got over everything so quickly. Plus some Benja lore I’m making up to explain why things went down the way they did. And for once in my life it’s a fic that’s canon compliant! Get ready for angst today!)

Life is great. 

Raya’s father has finally come back from stone and they reunited once more. In fact, he’s standing a mere ten feet away from her mingling with a couple diplomats from the other lands. Only a three months since the Druun were destroyed for good and already there’s so much progress. 

Life is great.

The dragons have returned too. That was something Raya never anticipated to happen, even if she did manage to bring her ba back. Seeing the stunning celestial beings dance along the horizon has been making Raya’s little dragon nerd heart flutter in excitement. 

Life is great. 

There’s also the nice addition of her and Namaari being on uh, she’s not exactly sure of the right term, but it’s not murderous terms so that’s an improvement. They shared a couple fruits, they smile at each other, so their relationship is certainly going in the right direction.  

It’s great. This is what Raya wanted, what she’s been wanting for the past six years. Yet somehow, she doesn’t feel great. 

In fact, Raya felt something close to miserable. Which is incredibly irritating because she doesn’t understand why she feels so awful. 

The Heart princess had become quickly accustomed to smiling and agreeing with whatever anyone says over the past couple months about how wonderful it is everyone is back and the dragons are miracles. Heart’s been the hotspot for discussing political alliances and was used as a way to show the other lands’ good graces by helping with Heart’s rebuilding. Raya’s cheek hurt from faking her smiles. 

She wishes so badly that her cheerful demeanor and welcoming attitude was sincere, but it wasn’t. When a new person approaches, she reaches for her sword. When Raya gets a new plate of food or a drink, she has to give it a thorough search to make sure no drugs or poisons are in it. When someone smiles and asks how she is, Raya has to lie when she says, “never better.”

And here she sits, watching everyone else either discuss potential political solutions or party hard with people that used be stone statues. Raya can’t bring herself to join anyone. 

“Heeeeeeey bestie!” Sisu exclaimed, slithering right next Raya’s seat which is a rather uncomfortable rock.

“Hi, Sisu. What’s up?” she asked, smiling sincerely for the first time in a while. 

“Nothing crazy, just hanging with the people. You know, people that can actually respond back to me. You should really try it,” the dragon insisted, giving her a look.

Raya sighed and rubbed her face tiredly. Sisu has been trying to drag Raya into any and every social event that’s popped up since the Druun were vanquished. Considering the fact that the past three months have basically been one big celebration, Raya has experienced a lot of attempted dragging.

“I’ve already helped with the crops, my people quota has been reached for the day,” Raya said dismissively. 

“Well sure, but that’s work! Why don’t you talk to some of the homies for fun! Like you could hang out with your ba or Namaari-,” Sisu continued to ramble, but Raya kind of checked out after those two names,

Her relationship with both people had been rather tense, to say the least. It’s certainly to be expected with Namaari given their history, but Raya was surprised at herself to realize she’s not quite as comfortable with her ba as she used to be. 

Raya just doesn’t know how to act around him anymore. Of course, she’s so happy that he’s back, that’s never been an issue, but there’s a barrier between them now that the Heart princess hadn’t considered. 

Maybe it was the fact that so much time had passed? Raya did tell him upfront that she’s no longer a child and doesn’t want to be treated as such but he has been as good as he can be given everything that happened. It’s just so hard to connect with her ba now. The one person that used to make her feel more secure than anything in the world no longer gives Raya the safety he once did.

It has been years since she’s seen him, and a lot has happened, so maybe Raya is trying to rush the process. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t wish things could exactly how they used to be.

“-or you could even make some new friends! Doesn’t that sound fun?” Sisu yelled right when Raya’s brain focused on the conversation again.

“Right, sounds spectacular. I’m going to make a little fruit bowl, can I get you anything?” the Heart warrior asked.

“Oh, strawberries and pineapple would be amazing!” Sisu grinned.

“Coming right up,” Raya mumbled. At least she was no longer being peer pressured into becoming a social butterfly. 

She then began weaving in through people, tables, even a couple dragons before reaching her destination. Raya approached the table filled with assortments of fruits from all five lands thus beginning her examination of which ones look the best. 

“Raya,” a voice said out of literally nowhere.

The Heart princess is rather ashamed to say she actually squeaked a bit as she jumped back, frantically turning to whoever said her name. Feeling her pulse go a mile a minute, she realized that it was Namaari standing next to her.

“Oh, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to uh, startle you,” Namaari awkwardly sighed. Raya’s entire body tensed but she waved her off like everything was fine.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s a habit I’m trying to break,” Raya shrugged. She’s constantly on edge being surrounded by people all the time. The adjustment period is longer than she anticipated. “So, what’s up? You said that Raya with some urgency there.”

“Ah, I did. I was hoping we could talk? In private?” Namaari asked.

The Heart princess paused for a moment to weigh her options. While it’s true that she’s kind of been hoping an opportunity like this would arise, now she’s not so sure she actually wants to talk. But, it would probably be rude to deny Namaari. 

Honestly, Raya just wants to turn in for the night. The day has been way too long for her taste. She then decided to suck it up and just talk to the Fang princess before retiring to her room.

“Sure, I just need to give Sisu her fruits real quick. The appetite of a dragon amazes me,” Raya smiled in her poor attempt to crack a joke. 

Thankfully, Namaari managed a small smile from the remark.

“No problem, I can wait,” Namaari said.

They started idle chit chat as Raya filled up the bowl with Sisu’s favorites. After promptly excusing herself, Raya wandered back to the dragon’s side to give her the fruit.

“Your snack as requested, Almighty Sisudatu,” Raya grinned. She then bowed dramatically and lifted the bowl right above her head. 

“I love it when you act like you haven’t had to share the same boat as me to sleep,” the dragon laughed and eagerly took the bowl from her. “Okay, so I’m thinking after I replenish my strength, you and I head down to the river for some good old swimming practice?”

“Oh, that probably won’t work out. Namaari just asked to speak with me and there’s a really good chance the discussion will take a while,” Raya frowned. 

“You’re going to talk to Namaari?! That’s great! You guys could use a little bonding experience!” Sisu exclaimed, weirdly ecstatic of Raya talking to Namaari.

“Uh huh. Well, if we both make it out of this interaction alive I’ll find you,” Raya snorted as she walked in Namaari’s direction.

“You got it Raya!” Sisu cheered as she all but waved Raya off.

“Strange, strange dragon,” she whispered to herself as she met up with Namaari. “My mission was a success. Where are we headed?”

“I thought the kitchens would be a good place to talk now that all the cooks are done for the night,” Namaari said as she already began walking in that direction.

“Alright,” Raya gulped. 

She looked around for an excuse to not do this but when she couldn’t find one, Raya hastily followed the other princess. 

The walk to the kitchens was both quiet and awkward. The two women haven’t communicated much since the Druun were vanquished. After the first day of everyone returning from stone, their interactions had become few and far between despite Namaari being so active in Heart’s rebuilding.

Raya had no clue what the hell she should even say to Namaari and had a pretty good feeling she felt the same way. What could they even say to each other? ‘Hey, I know that we’ve almost killed each other several times in the past six years, but want to grab a bite to eat?’ 

Absolutely not.

She could feel her blood pumping, already thinking of the several ways this interaction could turn violent. What was she thinking, going somewhere alone with Namaari after what happened last time. This was a bad idea. Raya can’t do this, she wants to go back to her room or run off to the courtyard or just leave the general area because she just can’t-

“After you,” Namaari said in a quiet voice.

Raya blinked dumbly before registering the fact that Namaari was holding the door open for her and had stepped to the side. Raya’s shoulders tensed up as she reluctantly walked past her and into the kitchen. 

She only took about three steps into the room before turning to face Namaari. Raya didn’t feel comfortable having her back face the other princess and prayed she wouldn’t take notice. 

Once Namaari closed the door behind her, Raya became claustrophobic in about four seconds. Small spaces never felt like an issue before now. Maybe she should pretend to faint or something.

“Well, we’re here. What’s on your mind?” Raya asked, trying really hard not to sound too agitated. 

“I wanted to apologize. For everything. I never should manipulated you into gaining your trust only to take it away. And Sisu’s death? I completely messed up by bringing my crossbow. I’ve only ever tried to do the right thing and it always managed to be wrong. I can’t even imagine what you had to go through because of me. I’m so sorry for anything that happened to you because of my actions,” Namaari said remorsefully. 

To both Namaari and Raya’s surprise, Raya began to laugh. Her hand covered her mouth as a snort managed to escape her. Now, the reason why Raya is currently laughing is because this feels like one big joke. 

And not the good kind. 

“Namaari, has anyone ever told you what a fucking coward you are?” Raya asked, still giggling like a three year old with too much candy.

“I’m sorry what?” Namaari said with a raised eyebrow.

“I mean, it’s true. You’re a fucking coward. It’s a trait that stayed with you since we were kids. When we fought in that cave, you could only kick me when my back was turned, and when I faced you like a big girl, you got your ass handed to you. If you didn’t have that flare and let your mommy bail you out, you would have left that cave black and blue,” Raya rushed out.

The Heart princess shouldn’t be saying any of this. For god’s sake, Kumandra is too delicate for her to be yelling at this woman and saying exactly how she feels. It’s like Namaari’s stupid face and even more stupid apology opened the door to all of Raya’s horrible feelings that she’s been too polite to talk about.

Being polite is officially over.

“Congratulations for stating the obvious, though. Because yeah, a peaceful meeting means no weapons! Honestly, Sisu’s death was on both of us, I’m big enough to realize that. I shouldn’t have been too eager to swing my sword, but you have never once given me a reason to trust you a day in my life! Anytime we see each other swords are drawn, blood is shed, and someone limps away crying. Mostly you, because if I was the one limping and crying, I’d have been in jail,” Raya snapped.

Namaari had the luxury of healthcare and support when she got injured. Raya had Tuk Tuk. As cute as he may be, he does not have the fine motor skills or the thumbs to properly help her tend to her wounds. Not to mention the fact that he wasn’t always the getaway transport he is today. If Raya didn’t win their little interactions, she’d be utterly screwed.

“Okay, that is completely untrue,” Namaari said.

And she had the audacity to sound annoyed. God, Raya wants to throttle her. She has both hands clasped tightly behind her back because she is afraid she may start brawling with this undercut nightmare at a moment’s notice.

“Seriously, you’re upset that I called you out for being a weak binturi? Of all the things that I’m dishing out to you, your physical strength is what’s getting you all hot and bothered?” Raya scoffed.

“That’s not the issue here,” the Fang woman frowned.

“No, the issue is that you suck!” Raya childishly yelled.

Why can’t Raya just stop talking? It’s like a dam overflowed and she has no choice but to say what’s on her mind. This is going to end in disaster. Raya knows that. And still, she continues to speak.

“My god, Namaari! You hunted a homeless orphan for months! I get a couple weeks, Fang pride and all that because hell, I stole from you, but months? What the actual fuck?! I had nothing. No father, no money, no home, and yet somehow you thought I was such a threat that you hunted me down for months? Did it make you feel powerful, knowing that with a snap you fingers you could make my life even more miserable than it already was?” Raya glared. 

“Of course not-,” Namaari began, but was very quickly cut off.

“Well I can’t possibly think of what else you needed from me! I asked about that stupid scroll, you know. With the way you were hunting me, I thought I got my hands on a goldmine. I’m sure you can imagine how surprised I was when I found out it was worth about as much as a bag full of dirt,” Raya scowled.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, her internal voice screamed. Raya wants to stop talking. So badly, Raya just wants to breath and move on. But she can’t. She is so enraged that it’s hard for her to stand still.

“You should have left me alone,” Raya continued when Namaari was suddenly rendered speechless. “I was weak, alone, and I didn’t have a single piece of jade to my name that wasn’t stolen. The very least you could have done was just leave me alone. What the hell was the point of coming after me? What exactly were you trying to prove to your almighty mother?”

“Raya, please, just settle down for one moment,” Namaari sighed as if she was talking to some petulant child. 

Once Raya heard the words ‘settle down’ she knew there was no way this conversation was going to end peacefully.

“Settle down? Settle down?! Are you kidding me? After six years of defending myself from people trying to take what little jade I had, of starving myself so that Tuk Tuk could eat, of missing my ba, of running from the Druun and you might I add, of falling asleep crying because there was no real point in living you want me to SETTLE DOWN?!” Raya screamed with anger seeping out of her pores. 

Namaari just stood there. She stood there like a fucking imbecile and it only pissed Raya off more. She can’t even look at the other woman right now. Raya might actually kill her. 

“I have no desire to talk to you anymore so get out! Bother someone else for change of pace!” Raya yelled at her. 

Her nails began digging into her palms from how tight her fist was balled up. It was taking every ounce of self control Raya has to not grab what ever sharp object was closest to her and charge.

“Raya,” Namaari whispered, at an apparent loss for words. 

“Get out! Just get the hell out of here before I actually burn you alive, you cold, heartless binturi!” Raya shrieked. 

Raya’s pretty sure her own rage is really starting to blind her because Namaari’s facial expression isn’t registering in her mind but thankfully, she could see the Fang princess’s figure quietly walk out. Good. Finally, something’s going right.

But see, the really unfortunate thing is that Raya is still not quite happy with her current state of being. The anger she feels for Namaari did not leave with her. It was hard enough to resist bashing Namaari’s face in so now she needs to find an outlet for her wrath without getting another living thing involved. 

Raya scanned the room to find dozens of wine glasses lined on the kitchen counter tops. Before she knew, the Heart princess grabbed wine glass and threw it on the ground as hard as she could. She watched intently the glass shattered the second it made impact with floor. 

Raya grabbed another glass and gave it the same harsh treatment. Just like the one before, the glass shattered into hundreds of tiny pieces. From that moment on, Raya began to pick up a rhythm in her madness. Grab, throw, shatter, repeat. 

Sometimes she’d squeeze them so tightly that they were broken before they could even hit the floor. Her hands began to bleed from little cuts the glasses gave her but she did’t care. She needed this. It’s the only thing stopping Raya from marching out of this room and finishing what she started in Fang. 

“What on earth are you doing?!” a familiar voice boomed.

The Heart princess turned her furious glare to her father. He was standing there and looked to be a mixture of confused and panicked. Then Benja had the audacity to look at Raya like she had somehow lost her mind. Then Raya finally realized why she was having so many difficulties with her father.

She’s mad at him. Actually mad him. A daughter being mad at her father isn’t an uncommon occurrence. That is, unless you were Raya and Benja. 

Looking back at her childhood, Raya legitimately can’t remember a time where she had been so genuinely angry at her father. Sure, they’d both get a bit upset at each other. But that was usually from a petty incident and the negative feelings lasted for like, one day. There was also the occasional moment of Raya going too far for whatever reason and needing to be scolded, but she always knew when she deserved it and her father always apologized when she didn’t.

But here and now? Raya’s so enraged that she feels like her whole body was set on fire. 

Well, Raya is already on a roll with screaming at the people that exist in her presence, might as well add another to the list.

“And you,” Raya spat, pointing the wine glass she seized at her father like she’d hold her sword. “How dare you look at me like I’m crazy! You should have seen this coming Ba, but then again, your foresight has a pretty bad rep!” 

“Honestly Raya, I thought you knew better than to make a huge mess like this! What has gotten into you!? You were completely fine when you were out with the others! What changed in such a short amount of time?” her father exclaimed while slamming the door shut. 

“Are you kidding me right now? I have not been fine for the past six years Ba! Because you threw me in a damn river!” Raya roared at him, squeezing the glass in her hand. 

“Dewdrop,” he whispered, taking a step forward only for Raya to quickly retreat in the opposite direction. 

“Do not Dewdrop me! I was twelve! I was twelve years old and you gave me a responsibility that most adults couldn’t handle! You said not to give up on them when they’d all given up on themselves! I would lay on the ground night after night, wondering what slight detail could have been changed to avoid this entire mess,” the Heart princess yelled as she felt tears begin to stream down her face. “Why didn’t you wait! You should have built relationships with the other lands before inviting them into our home!  Or you should have not made me a guardian of them gem so young! Why didn’t you stop me? You should have done something, damn it!” 

Though her eyes were still blurred, she could see her father’s form sit on the floor across from her.

“You’re right. It was the biggest mistake of my life,” she heard her father mumble out.

“It definitely was, so why did you do it?” Raya asked, desperate for an explanation. 

“I just, I wanted you to live in a better world. And I was too impatient with the progress we had been making. I hadn’t been planning on telling you this until you were much older, but a few weeks before that gathering, I was attacked,” Benja admitted. 

“You what?” Raya gasped. 

“You know your grandparents died very early on in my youth. The elders thrust me onto the throne before I was ready. After the attempt on my life, I just wanted to make sure that would never happen to you. I had to find a way to make the world a better place before it was too late,” her Ba whispered. 

Raya wiped away her tears and got a good look at her father that was now sitting on the floor. She’d never seen him look so haunted in her entire life. 

“You know, when I had you, I wanted nothing more than for you to have all the time in the world to be a child,” her father continued solemnly. “That’s why I was so hellbent on finding a way to make Kumandra united again. I wanted a quick and easy solution to our problems. The whole point of that day was to make your future better. Instead, I doomed you.”

Raya walked closer to her father when she heard the quiver in his voice. Se crouched down to see tears were streaming down his face.

“I failed you, Raya. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of it. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for all the pain I caused you. I should have protected you more. I put too much weight on your shoulders. I understand if you resent me for the rest of your life, but please know that I never meant to hurt you. Everything I have ever done has been to love you and keep you safe from the day you were born,” he choked out.

Seeing her ba cry just made tears well up in Raya’s eyes. Wordlessly, Raya crawled onto his lap like she used to as a kid. Her father wrapped his arms around her waist and she leaned against his neck.

Raya didn’t even realize how much her chest has been heaving until she stopped moving. Hearing her father truly acknowledge his faults in the way everything went down helped Raya find clarity inside herself.

“You know the thing that I hated the most about the Druun?” Raya asked.

“I’m a little scared to hear this but what?” her father replied. 

“I hated that you were gone because you’re my best friend and the person I love most,” the Heart princess cried. She felt her father’s arm tighten around her.

No words were exchanged as the two wallowed in their own misery and regret together. Despite the heavy atmosphere in the room, it’s the lightest Raya has felt since her ba returned from stone. 

“I’m sorry, for everything I’ve done. Please, please don’t hate me forever,” her father begged her. Raya laughed weakly while shaking her head.

“I could never hate you, ba. I didn’t even realize I was holding a grudge, but having this talk made me feel a lot better. I think we just need to take everything one step at a time from this point on,” the Heart princess sniffled. She smiled hearing her father sigh in relief.

“Okay good. I know I said resenting me forever would have been okay and it would have, but I honestly don’t know if my heart would have been able to take it,” Benja chuckled. 

“On that note, I should probably address that mess I made behind me,” Raya frowned, looking at the wreckage.

“You certainly did a number here,” her father noted. 

“Hey Ba? One more thing,” Raya said. 

“What is it Dewdrop?” he asked curiously.

“I forgive you,” Raya told him sincerely.

“Thank you,” Benja sighed, completely relieved. After giving her one last squeeze he loosened his arms a bit so that Raya could break free.

Raya smiled a bit and used the rather minimal strength she had left to get back up on her feet. She stretched out her hand for her father. Just when he was about to take it, he gasped loudly and brought her hand to his face. Raya’s confusion didn’t last long when she realized her hand was covered in tiny cuts from the glass. Raya hadn’t even realize she was bleeding until now.

“Stay there, I know there’s some disinfectants stuffed in this kitchen somewhere. We have way too many accident prone chefs,” her father mentioned. 

Raya nodded and sat quietly on floor as her father rummaged through the cabinets to get what he needed to heal her wounds. No words were spoken as Benja took her left hand in his. 

The Heart princess winced when the disinfectant made contact with her skin. She bit her lip as the stinging sensation traveled all across her hand. Raya then watched her ba firmly wrap the bandage around her hand. Thankfully, the right hand was done at a much faster pace.

“Does that feel okay? I didn’t wrap them too tightly did I?” Benja asked with concern etched in his voice.

“It’s good, Ba. Thank you. I suppose now I need to get rid of this wreck,” Raya sighed. Turning her attention to the floor with the shattered glass made her cringe because of how much work needed to be done. The glass shattered into very tiny pieces. Man, she really didn’t think this through.

“Dewdrop, you’re exhausted and injured. I’m more than happy to send a couple maids up here,” Benja told her. Then he reassessed the damage and realized how bad it was. “Or maybe a small army of maids, but the point still stands.” 

“No, don’t make the poor maids suffer because of my breakdown. I’ll clean it up, it’s fine. I can make it work even with the bandages. It was kind of on purpose so I’d feel bad making them do it,” Raya sighed, waving her ba off. 

She grabbed an empty bag that was originally used to transport fresh vegetables and crouched down to start picking up the glass shards. To Raya’s surprise, her father crouched down and also began picking up shards.

“Ba, it’s okay, I can clean it up myself. I’m not a kid anymore,” Raya told him.

“Well I know that, but I’m still your ba. Just because you can do something alone doesn’t mean you have to. It’s my job as a father to help my daughter clean up her messes, no matter how old she is,” Benja said. 

Raya said no words but flung her arms around him. Her ba wasted no time in wrapping both arms around her tightly, almost afraid to let go. The Heart princess bit back another sob when she realized she felt protected in her father’s arms again. She needed that talk more than she realized. The Heart princess still sniffled a bit and tried regaining her composure.

“Since you’re so adamant about helping me clean my messes, I sorta kinda may have threatened to burn Namaari alive and had huge screaming match with her so if there’s any way you could do some damage control for that, I’d be eternally grateful,” Raya laughed nervously as they slowly pulled away from each other.

“I’ll handle it,” her ba sighed. “I see that violent charm you had as a child hasn’t changed throughout the years. You definitely got that from your mother.”

“Hey, don’t pawn off all my bad traits on Ma. Poor woman can’t even defend herself,” the princess joked as she proceeded to clean up the glass shards.

“I know she would have done the same to me, we understood each other that way,” her father chuckled. 

Benja reached forward to grab a piece of glass but winced before he even got hold of it.

“You alright back there? You didn’t cut yourself, did you?” Raya asked.

“No, I’m fine. My knees just started really hurting all of a sudden,” her father frowned. 

“Oh ba, just sit down and let me clean up myself. I wouldn’t want you to hurt your old man knees,” Raya grinned. Amusement was shining in her eyes as her ba pulled the most offended face he could muster.

“Excuse you, I am not old! I have not aged a day since I’ve been turned to stone! In fact, I haven’t aged at all. I’m still thirty five!” Benja spat indignantly. 

“I don’t know ba, I see those grey hairs,” Raya laughed knowing full well there was not a single strand of grey on his head.

“Wait are you serious?” Benja asked as he brought one of the bigger glass shards to his face to examine his reflection. “I’m telling you right now that if there is a grey strand in here I’m grounding you because it was definitely your fault.”

The Heart princess began absolutely cackling at the sight of her father’s distressed face. After a very in depth examination Benja was able to come to the conclusion that Raya was pulling his leg.

“You’re just lucky,” her ba huffed.

“Yeah, I really am,” Raya said sincerely.

With these horrible barriers broken down, both father and daughter worked tirelessly to pick up the pieces, one step at a time. 

[shirohige-pirates]

Birds of a Feather

CisFem Reader x Marco

CW: Violence, blood, language, adult themes and scenes. 18+ only

Summary: Life has not been kind to you. After a string of bad relationships, you're a little jaded and a little depressed in all honestly. The worst day of your life seems to be the turning point, but the roller coaster ride that follows could either throw you soaring free, or have you caged forever?

Tag List: @clumsyraccoon

Chapter 26: Ivan-Cause

You gave Marco a quick kiss before exiting the SEL and heading up into the office. You’d both agreed to trade off who drove, so that neither car would accidentally sit for too long. You had a lot to talk to Ivan about, and the only thing that weighed on you as you took the elevator to your floor was where to start.

Once you got off the elevator, you were greeted by Buggy, peering from over the top of his cubicle. You could see the questions in his eyes, and you gave him a soft smile even as you handed off a cup of coffee from Sanji’s café. Despite not getting to bed until later than you would’ve preferred, you were both up early, and decided to celebrate your first Monday living together by treating your respective offices to coffee.

“What’s up Bugs?”

“You got dropped off.” He says, taking the coffee with a quiet thank you.

“Were you staring out the window or something?”

“No, well, no not really, but you’re usually in earlier on Mondays and I was worried. I wasn’t staring, I just saw. It’s a flashy car.” He takes a sip. “But it’s not your Firebird.”

“It’s not, but it is a really nice car.” You admit. “Nice driver too.”

Buggy chokes on his coffee, sputtering a moment and mopping up the small mess quickly. “The vet?”

You nod. “Yes, the vet… His name’s Marco.”

Buggy’s eyes nearly fall out of his head. “You already know his name?”

“Buggy, we’ve gone on a couple dates, of course I know his name!” You huff.

“Well, yeah, but you didn’t even say The Mechanic’s,” he emphasizes the title in a snobby voice, rolling his eyes, “name until like, months into it, and I don’t know that the one business man even had a name.”

You put a hand over your face, hoping that there weren’t any obvious signs of embarrassment scrawled on it. You knew Buggy wasn’t nearly as oblivious as he tended to act, but having him toss your own insecurities about names in your face like this was a bit much.

Names just had an intimacy as far as you were concerned. Maybe it was just a hangup you’d learned from your family, who tended to use titles and surnames almost exclusively, even amongst one another.

“Is Ivan in?” You question in a long-suffering tone.

Buggy nods. “Got in before me, he’s been in the office with the door closed, but no one else is in there.”

You give Buggy your thanks, and go over to the desk nearest Ivan’s office, handing out the other coffee to Bon-chan.

“Bon-bon, how’s the boss?” You question, pulling Ivan’s and your drink free from the caddy.

“Ah, thank you, thank you.” He says, taking a drink before answering you. “Ivana was busy busy this morning, but she did say to let you in if you needed it. I think you have some good news?” He prompts, giving you a delighted knowing look.

“I shouldn’t be surprised you all would catch on so fast, but yes. I do have some good news. News I want Ivan to know first, for one, and from me before anyone else.” You assert.

“Goodness, you make it sound like you’re getting married.” Bonclay teases and your jaw goes slack.

“No! No, not y-. Not at all. We’re just… I’m just…” You sigh and set your head down on the desk. “You heard nothing.”

“I heard nothing.” He agrees, patting your shoulder lightly before you turn and go into Ivan’s office.

You knock before entering, hearing Ivan call you in before you press the lever style handle down with your elbow, using your hip to open the door to avoid spilling the coffees you had. Ivan was in lady mode, looking over some paperwork, intently enough she was using her glasses like she was supposed to.

“Hey mom,” you say, setting down a coffee and taking a sip of your own.

“Ah, this is a pleasurable meeting, not a business one.” Ivan replies, looking over the frame of her glasses and smiling. “The vet, he is nice, no?”

“He is.” You agree. “And you know him already. Have known him, I imagine, for longer than I have.”

She considers things for a moment, nodding her head before taking a drink. “You’re a smart one. You sorted out the underbelly of our operations quickly, and then you operated in a way that made it look like they didn’t even exist. Knowing you knew, but opted not to say anything, I let it be. It is the same with Pops’ boys.”

“Except I didn’t know.” You point out.

“Not until you knew.” Ivan replies. “You sorted it out on your own, and you came across one of them on your own. I didn’t even so much as hint at their involvement, above board or otherwise.”

You start to say something and then stop, taking another sip and nodding. “Point made.” You’re quiet for a moment before continuing. “He’s… staying at my place.”

Ivankov freezes in place for a moment, before slowly setting the paper work down, taking off her glasses, and folding her hands together before looking at you. You aren’t sure what to say, or if you need to wait for Ivan to say something. This is the first time in your life where you’d gotten this kind of reaction out of her.

“He was kicked out from the mansion?”

“… No.” You answer. Suddenly you feel like you’re twelve, fresh off the docks and caught by the scruff of your neck like a cat again. “I didn’t want him to go home, so he’s brought over some clothes and amenities, and is… staying… over.”

“Interesting.”

You open your mouth a couple times and close it. Ivan’s tone is mostly neutral, but you’re not sure if the hints of amusement in it are truly amused, or on the verge of protective anger. “… How so?”

“You and Marco had something in common, in that you both tended to politely keep people at quite the length. I understand why, for both of you,” she explains, waving away the need for details and returning to her paperwork. “But it is interesting to me that you’ve opened up to one another so completely, and so quickly.”

“Yeah… we uh… that is…”

“Did you sort out on whose boat that you arrived here?”

“… Yes.” You tilt your head. You were aware that Ivankov was at the center of a lot of threads of information, but you have to admit you’re a little surprised about how well she’s keeping pace with everything.

“My dear child,” Ivan begins, reaching across the desk and taking your hands in hers. She always did this when she had something exceptionally important to talk about. “Did you tell him about your biological family?”

You could feel your stomach knot. Technically, you’d never even told Ivan, but given how the conversation was going, you were quickly understanding you never needed to.

You nod. “Just last night.”

“He stayed, and drove you into work this morning. That’s all I need to know.” She assures you, patting your hand before leaning back. “Marco has always been a kind soul, in the years I’ve known him. Fair and firm, slow to anger, and able to let go of such rage even if it rose up within him. He played his role on the ship well, and has transitioned into his role with the end of the great pirate era.

“Healthy in heart and head.” She returns to her paper work, giving you one more assuring smile. “I would have supported whoever you decided to trust, but of all the people I know on this island, I cannot see a better choice.”

You sit there quietly for a moment, sipping your coffee while Ivan works. She doesn’t shoo you out, and after a few long moments, you break the silence to ask the one question still gnawing at your brain. One you were certain you knew the answer to, but you wanted to be sure.

“You knew all of it, didn’t you?” You question.

Ivan pauses again, leaning back a little. “It took me a couple years, but yes. I knew what island you came from, and I knew what was happening there. That was enough, but one time - just once, mind you - I saw you go into your room. You were so painfully careful about keeping it a secret, I doubt anyone else ever saw.” She admits. “Such knowledge will never pass my lips, of that you can be sure.”

You sink into the chair, a strange and powerful sense of relief turning your muscles and bones to mush. It wasn’t just the relief of not being alone in the knowledge of who you were, but it was also the feeling of acceptance. Ivan knew and not once, in all those years, did she treat you one way or another because of it.

And the knowledge of the Library would’ve been far more useful beyond just what you did to help.

“Thank you.” The words are quiet. Firm, but fragile at the same time. A weight of years behind them and the tremulous shudder of relief all at the same time.

“As unnecessary as it is, you are welcome.” Ivan responds, eyes on her paperwork more than anything else. Whatever it is that has her busy today must be pressing, but she’s still giving you as much of her focus as she can spare. “It is all about freedom, child. All of it. How they lived, how we operate, what we hope to achieve, and what was left unspoken between us. It is no good if your decisions aren’t your own. As much for me, as you, as Marco - even Buggy shouldn’t ever feel coerced into action.

“Much as he may need the occasional kick in the backside to be prompted into it.”

There’s a moment of silence, and then Ivan sighs a little, shifting before your eyes from a woman to a man. Simultaneously sillier in this form, he was also usually more serious too.

“If the impossible should happen, and he brings you sorrow, I shall give him my most powerful wink.” Ivankov asserts, before giving you a big grin. “And you can tell him so!”

You laugh. “I’ll be sure to warn him,” you promise, standing up and coming around to Ivan’s side of the desk, giving him a hug. “Thanks, dad.”

“Of course, little stray, of course.” He says, patting your back.

[atalienart]

that sounds like a shit situation ❤️❤️ i don‘t think you‘re unlikeable though. it can be tough to keep in contact with people, and i think it‘s gotten harder over the last couple years for everyone (don‘t mean to minimize your specific situation). i think it could just be shit luck, but if it isn‘t, i don‘t think the problem lies deep within you or anything. i know it can feel like that though. there‘s nothing wrong with you as a person, you‘re not somehow fucked up. you‘re fine, i promise. people who talk like that (“you’re unlikeable”) are just mean because for some reason they either don‘t want to be better or they just don‘t know how to. either way, it doesn‘t sound like they put a lot of effort into building that opinion, so personally, i would dismiss it (i know that can be really hard to do though). it’s not exactly constructive. it sounds like plain petty and bitter bullshit tbh lol.

even though i found some friends for life during school, after moving away from each other, it‘s been hard to keep in touch. two of them are just dogshit at texting lmao, and one is great but doesn‘t have much time for actually substantial contact, like phone calls or visits. what i‘ve found to be integral is all of it, sadly lmao. it‘s rly hard when life is happening for everyone and bigger projects take up time and energy, it‘s been a struggle to trust that we‘re still friends despite little active friendship happening, but it‘s worth it. i don‘t know anything about your specific situation, but open communication is always a banger. if you have people you want to keep in your life, you gotta tell em. again, i don‘t know if you have and it just wasn‘t mutual. i just wanna help somehow because you seem hurt and i know that and it sucks but it‘s hard to go off of so little info. anyway. baring your soul be scary as hell but everyone has one, and usually being brave enough to do it first makes people feel safe to do it back. i recommend trying it. i also highly recommend not declaring a friendship / any relationship lost because of a potentially temporary loss of contact. people withdraw from their social circles all the time bc something in their life is stressing them out, and a lot of the time people aren‘t opposed to contact with someone, they just don‘t know how to approach them because maybe they thought they‘re sending signals that they‘re not that interested, or they‘re just plain anxious. shy. if you want a relationship to grow and develop and become stronger, if you want to build a bond, i recommend getting into the habit of making the first step. i KNOW that can be really hard lmao, the first time i tried to meaningfully reach out to someone i wasn‘t already close with it took me literal months lmfao. but i did it! and you can do it too. you really absolutely can.

idk. i think the most important thing is to be openly affectionate and let people know, even just in small ways! in can be said so so casually, you can just mention that sitting down for coffee or smth is such a nice calm moment in your otherwise busy day. or customize that to fit you however you want! just let people know that it‘s fun to spend time with them. they‘re probably just as shy and insecure as you. just small things to make them feel valuable and appreciated, so that they can understand that they really are, yknow? basically just— everything you‘d want them to do for you, you gotta do for them! and they‘ll likely happily return the favor :‘) if not, that‘s tough, but you guys not being a match doesn‘t mean other people won‘t be!

i find it hard to make new friends too. i moved away from my school friends and sttttruuuuggglllleeed for a while to make new friends here, i‘m just coming out of a shit shit fucking shit period in my life so i still don‘t have any, despite having talked with and sort of started the process of building a friendship with a few. nothing lasted for me either, and i thought it was because there‘s something wrong with me too. that‘s bullshit though, for me as for you, and i gotta try again and be calm and trust that it‘s gonna work eventually, because people do want to be friends, and if you can manage not to make yourself crazy with worry about it, then it‘s just gonna go along rather smoothly and just be fun.

i hope you can believe that, but i know i would have found it hard a year ago. it‘s true though. it could be that you‘re a rarer personality hehe, i still feel like that myself lol. but that doesn‘t mean you won‘t find your people. and if you meet someone you like, i hope you can have the courage to take the first step whenever it‘s needed. if you start like that, they‘ll likely follow and take the first step towards you when you can‘t :‘)

people generally like friendship and want to make friends. you‘re not any less suited for the job than anybody else. it takes a bit of effort though, sometimes a lot. but you can do it :‘)

i hope you feel better soon, and i really hope this isn‘t preachy and obnoxious. :|

Hey, thanks for the message. I'm sorry to hear you struggle with finding your people. But even if it's hard, I'm happy to hear that you still have someone you keep in touch with. Also, I think you're really amazing being so active in building relationships, hope it turns into something great for you one day and you find many valuable friendships. You sound like really cool, smart person ❤️

You're very kind but I think my situation really is my fault. I try, but I believe I'm just tiresome after a while. Besides, even when I do my best to communicate clearly (I really do) it seems I always end up saying or doing something wrong. I guess the braver people choose to look past my weirdness but at some point they realise it's not worth it. And I'm not saying that to sound quirky, it's just that when people constantly look at you like you're a different species and tell you you're weird you start to notice you're the odd one out xD I really don't expect people to always be there for me, I just hope for some conversation from time to time, some texting, nothing more. (And I think unless something really serious is going on in your life you can find time to answer a text from someone you say you like/see as a friend.) I really admire you for reaching out to others just like that, I always have a feeling I'm a bother. It doesn't help that initial small talk is extremely hard form me, it takes a lot of energy and brain power from me Anyway, at this point I think I'm the one who doesn't want to make friends anymore. I already gave up on trying to do that irl, it's like "level impossible" because apart from horrible personality I'm additionally very visually unappealing xD But in general, I think it would be safer to not expect anything from anyone. It's always like "hey, maybe they really do enjoy talking to me" and then it's like "nope, never mind, you really do suck". I don't need that reminder every couple years xD I'm old and tired. Anyway, don't worry, I'll be fine. I just haven't got enough sleep and I've been stressed lately, that's why I'm whining. I know I shouldn't do that on social media but here we go lol. Hugs for you!

[dirtyvulture]

😎 I have a bunch of things to get off my chest . I am sooo pissed at work . The person who bought my work place has completely fucked us over , they are constantly cutting our days and hours on the work schedule!!!!!! I am a part time worker , typically I work ( or SUPPOSED to) a couple of days a week and four hour shifts and today I went to check on the schedule and I am scheduled one day for 3 ish hours!!!!!! I am just done , I was a loyal and hard worker ….. now I am going out and looking for a new job.

On the upside I had a really good time on Mother’s Day . I went with my parents to my grandmas and then had a second celebration with my granny and her husband ( she remarried 3 years back , I typically call him by his name but don’t want to say it here) . I spent the night and Granny and I went on a little shopping trip to get a new dress and shoes for my nephew’s baptism. The baptism is at the end of June and we have a family cookout the day before, since my new shoes are open toes…. I figured that my grandma ( granny will be out of town with her husband) , mom and I would have a girls day and do our finger and toes nails…. have lunch . Make a whole day of it . I am NOT a girly girl , I am very much a tomboy so I don’t TYPICALLY dress up or do hair and makeup ( I HATE doing nail polish and things like that) but I will do so on SPECIAL OCCASIONS . What occasion is more special than my nephew being baptized ( I am also the godmother after all 😉) .

Because Mother’s Day was this month and I hope that everyone had a good holiday/ celebration. I will now be driving into some thoughts in the : SB , DK and EV universes .

In the SB universe ( and in the same vain of Mother’s Day thoughts) . Remember when I talked about how Nat might have been injured on duty in the military leaving her with the rank she has now but unable to get pregnant and have biological children. Well I believe that she and SB do foster a couple of kids …. Young siblings in fact. A boy( he is the oldest, five ) and a girl ( two years old) named Kit and Jane. Kit doesn’t like and is very scared of men ( remember SB is AMF ) , and so is scared and very weary of SB….. Kit doesn’t like SB being around his baby sister …. He puts on a very brave face and is very protective of Jane . Jane on the other hand LOVES SB ( to her they are a big old teddy bear that gives the BEST hugs ) and both siblings loves Nat .

In the DK universe the kids of the school 1000% percent all chipped their resources into a nice celebration for all the female staff at the school ( R is the main focus, Jean , Storm and even Nat are also prominent figures for Mother’s Day as well) . I don’t know exactly what they would do but the older kids have the biggest hand in planning it ( Rouge , Peter, Kitty, etc) and it’s a very nice and touching celebration.

Lastly in the EV universe….. I don’t know about any mother or motherly figures for that R , I believe that we only really know about her dad . But what about Melina and her daughters ? Do they have a good relationship in this universe and what type of things would Nat and Yelena to celebrate their mother.

That is all for now , hope everyone is doing well and hopefully I can come here with better energy and moods ( and hopefully a new job) . Wish me luck on the hunt for this new adventure. I wish everyone luck with any adventures of their own <3 .

Sorry for my delay with answering this 😭

I am sorry to hear about your issues at work, but I am glad that you have moved on and found a new one. :)

And that sounds like a fun Mother's day! I already can't remember what I did for mine lol.

That would be so cute if the Sergeant couple adopted some kids! I think they would make great parents (after much learning).

And yes! I bet all the students at the mansion would be willing to go all out to celebrate R (and I guess the other mother figures too lol). They would probably do all the cooking and cleaning for the day, and make R come out and play sports games with them. :)

We'll see more about the families of R and Nat in the EV universe. :) I will tell you now that R's mother is no longer in the picture (she passed away years ago...which also might explain why R has...mommy issues). I still haven't decided what to do with Melina yet, though.

Thanks, 😎 anon! Good luck with your new job!

[afewmarvelousthoughts]

Just gonna talk about my current WIP

... and life. Because this is a nice cozy place where I can do that and only one of you knows me IRL.

So, in July, I was laid off. Well, my team was laid off. One of the many casualties in the "who needs DEI" wave. I can't even be particularly mad about it because that job was horrible. I dreaded work every day and I'm pretty sure that had I stayed, my health would have suffered more than it already had.

Then came the burnout. That shit hit me like a freight train. I've spent the majority of the last 2.5 months trying to give myself space to rest as much as possible (while also job hunting because I'm not exactly in a position that I can just BE unemployed). And y'all, rest is hard. Like really hard. But we're working on it.

While I 100% view this as a time I can and must rest, it also feels like an opportunity to actually focus on writing.

Hell, if I'm being honest, it feels like the universe went, "You said you would do this if you only had time to dedicate to it. Here you go." Now I've just gotta do the thing. Which... is also hard.

I've had several WIPs bubbling away for years now. Ones I've shared with folks, ones people ask me about. But the one I'm focusing on right now I haven't shared with anyone.

It's too personal, but not in a way that folks would assume. It's not autobiographical (though it is set just outside of Boston, where I'm now calling home) or anything of that sort. It's simply that I'm so in love with the two main characters I'm nervous to say anything about the story to folks close to me until it's finished.

But no one is likely to see this so I'm gonna share a bit here:

Toni. Bless Toni. She's a little me and probably a little you too. The definition of someone running toward something even though far too many people think she's running away. She is a woman who refuses to accept good enough and deals with the repercussions of that--especially as a fat woman (a through line in most of my femme MCs). In her case, she chose to end a relationship with a man most people considered a catch--ya know a catch who thought he could convince her to have a baby she said she didn't want--and move across the country rather than allow herself to stay in a situation that made her miserable. Now, alone--save for her best friend a few towns over--she's rebuilding her life and unpacking the baggage that says she's unreasonable and unreliable for choosing her happiness.

And y'all... Cillian. Lord. He's a local boy--complete with that Bahston accent--and built like a tank. Everyone around him can see how golden his heart is, not because he wears it on his sleeve but because he has an aura of goodness that is almost impossible to miss. Were you to tell him that, he'd tell you you're full of shit. The thing about Cillian is that he's the kind of good that comes from going through hell. In his case, hell was literal war. Now, 10 years out of the military and 8 sober, he's still reconciling with parts of himself he'd rather bury. Think a little Bucky Barnes with a dash of Frank Castle and then the rest, well the rest is just Cillian: The boy who should have been a musician, not a soldier. The man who runs his family's bar and escapes to his property in New Hampshire when the world is too much. The 6'2" 275lb brick of muscle that collects floral robes and buys expensive sheets and falls so in love with a gorgeous plus size powerhouse of a woman that it undoes him a little.

I love them. I love how they're going to open up with one another, to allow the other to see the parts of them that are still bleeding and know that it will be ok.

(They also fuck like rockstars so there's that.)

I'm still working on the first draft, but I think I can have it done in the next couple of weeks. From there, revisions and then MAYBE eyes that aren't mine.

Hopefully, someone other than me cares about their slow conversations, the softness of their fall, the low stakes but high emotion of it all.

-sigh-

Anyway. That's been my world of late. Thanks for being the void tumblr.

Love ya.

[britt-thats-it]

Being back on tumblr is so nice. It’s like I never left (except I can’t remember everyone I used to follow/they probs left too).

(feelsies under the cut)

I only left because this couple I almost dated (who took my not dating them very hard) sort of cyber stalked me here. I kept making new accounts and they kept finding them and showing them to everyone in the scene we were all part of and following all the people I was mutuals with and it was… not cool.

Anyway, I’ve been really struggling with grief since quarantine. I had a huge falling out with my sister who I had been living with for the last 4 years. Her lack of recovery was badly interfering with my recovery and I was so deeply triggered by her behavior that I was barely functioning. I was in a constant state of flared up, in so much pain every day, even laying down was uncomfortable. I wasn’t able to eat bc my reflux was going crazy, I was starting to drink too much (something I hadn’t struggled with in years), I wasn’t sleeping. The pressure of being home together all the time took its toll.

Coincidentally, divine timing being what it is, my partner and I were spending hours on the phone every day. Just falling so in love. We’d already been together for almost a year, but her two other relationships falling apart, career change, and my chronic illness and not remembering how to be in a relationship (lol— it had been a LONG time and I was fully down to spend the rest of my life alone) kept us at a bit of a distance. We had been very close friends for a couple years beforehand, so when we took things to a romantic level, the feelings progressed quickly but we just didn’t have much time for each other. Anyway, she invited me to come stay with her. I was only planning on 2 weeks, but I literally never left. Everything just felt so easy and sweet. We handle each other with such care. Over the last 3 years my life has become a kind of stable that I’ve never (I mean NEVER) experienced. I love it and I am so grateful for it.

But I remember from my trauma-filled childhood, the survival mode of the present puts off the feelings for later. It isn’t until you have a calm moment that the feelings about what you just went through hit you.

The last 7 years hit me like an 18 wheeler. Going no contact with my family, living on the road, losing my job and being homeless, moving to nyc on a wing and a prayer, living with my sister and reliving A lot of my childhood through her behaviors, struggling through the capitalist ass New York art scene as an autistic person while also being very poor, working my fucking ass off, *just* about to hit my stride and do this fuckin career thang and boom. Covid.

I made an album, collaborated on a friend’s album, started my podcast and wrote a book. I’m in the middle of making another album. All this while feeling myself really trust someone, really learn what partnership means, really feeling like an adult, but also feeling so so wounded. The grief has been the heaviest thing I’ve ever felt. I lost myself a little bit. Insert bloody goopy chrysalis metaphor here.

I did all this but not joyfully, not really. Something was missing.

I have been trying, in the last few months, to unironically find my bliss again. I lost my sparkle, I lost my drive. I really feel like I experienced my own metaphorical death. I was anxious and raw, I second-guessed every interaction because I felt like I didn’t know how to be a person. I was completely sober!! Just fucking raw dogging life!!! I was scared all the time. I forgot my passions, I forgot my purpose. I still worked on stuff, I still created (a lot that I’m proud of!!) but idk I just wasn’t the same free-spirited confident lil powerhouse I came to know myself to be.

I think I gave too much on other social media. I think I was too vulnerable and too available and it got me into trouble. I think I confused work for life and I soured my own creation process for me. It became too important. Every hobby, every passion became kindling for money making or making “it” or whatever. I forgot how to have fun. I burnt myself out.

I recently started remembering hobbies I had that I never shared with anyone irl. Exercise/weight lifting, which I picked back up again in February, slowly testing the waters to see if my disordered relationship to it would return, it didn’t. Feeling myself getting stronger being exactly what I needed (literally and metaphorically) and all the good stuff that does to my confidence. Playing music just for fun, just sitting down with an instrument and playing 😫 locking myself in a room and flitting around like a mad scientist creating something I love 😫 dancing 😫 meditation 😫 journaling 😫 pulling tarot cards just for me 😫 and finally, longing for connection of some sort; for actual vulnerability and not people just fucking marketing themselves all the time— I remembered how much tumblr helped me. How much it inspired me. How it helped me become the person who made all those scary changes, who learned who I am and learned how to walk away. So much good came from that decade I spent here, so I decided to come back.

It’s exactly what I needed.

[sanjisblackasswife]

(FLUFF/NSFW) Let’s Talk About: Gojo Having a Black Girlfriend/Wife

Fluff

This mf loves black women

Look at him

Ultimate light skin

We all know Gege said he wouldn’t be good in a relationship.

However it’s not because he’s a cheater

Why do people aim him to be a red flag do y’all even know anything about this man’s true character

But to circumstance .

But let’s say he can have a partner.

You are the first and only candidate for this man and if you turn him down he may hit on Geto

I HC Gojo as straight but I still enjoy making jokes about him and Geto being a couple

A lot of women threw themselves at Gojo but you didn’t .

Not to say you were not like other girls oh no

You wanted to sit on his cock too, but you had a standard of yourself

Tbh Gojo as a boyfriend would be like having a little brother.

He annoys

Your entire well being.

Takes your wigs (if you wear em) and plays Megan thee Stallion in the bathroom

Bro is the type to use that audio “I was out nigga’d and I will never be out nigga’d again” when he records himself braiding your hair

He braids amazingly btw

Speaking of TikTok yes he is TT Famous and y’all have an account together

Bro does damn near every couple trend just to show you off.

I’d also like to add Gojo didn’t start off showing you off you actually hid y’all relationship from anybody for about a year

He told you off rip he didn’t want many people to know about you just yet becasue he knew you’d probably be a target. If you didn’t agree to that then it’s curtains for your relationship

But since you were so understanding Gojo actually cherished that.

Hiding the relationship wasn’t that hard. He was a busy man and you were a busy woman so if anybody saw y’all together it was pretty rare.

Lowkey killed him though after a few months because he really wanted to do some PDA.

LOVES PDA

Love love LOVE

Lingering touches, butt slaps, kisses, whatever he loves it.

If you’re not into it he’ll try some self restraint but don’t get mad if he loses his mind when y’all get home

Would love to have kids with you!

“I’d call them my 2 piece and a biscuit.”

“The hell is wrong with you.”

“Little mocha babies…”

“CAN YOU—-“

Loves calling you mama(s) or mommy

If you like it it’s fine but if you don’t it’s worse because then he’ll keep going

Despite his confidence he can be very insecure sometimes

You didn’t even know this man could have such a low view of himself but that was about 2 years into the relationship he finally revealed the real him

Yes two years and that’s if y’all already been friends years prior to going out

He doesn’t open up easy but he learns to trust you

Some days he comes back to exhausted and mentally drained but he keeps a fake smile for you.

But you Seen right through his BS.

You don’t try and push any issues too far but you show with action you’re there. Some days you just grab him and place him on top of you on the couch, take off his blindfold and rub his back and hair

He’s gotten real emotional a few times when you did it, mostly because you’ve done it on days he just needed a hug.

You’re his literal teddy bear because of this.

He’s 6’7” so he towers over you when he slings his body on top of yours. He also throws you around a lot

“PUT ME DOWN MF—AH!”

He’ll pull your shorts down and give you brown booty a nice slap before rubbing it a little

“Shut up we’re taking a nap.”

Gojo really loves how you cook btw

Moreso what you bake

Mans has a sweet tooth out of this world so if you are a baker you’re now his personal chef.

Also don’t think the love you have for him is one sided he definitely shows his love for you too. He may be an ass sometimes but he’s an amazing listener.

His advice is usually what’s helps you best. Granted it’s not always what you wanna hear but Gojo is an exceptional listener and observer so if you ever feel bad it doesn’t go unnoticed by him

Can I also add y’all have so many inside jokes omg

The amount of references y’all can do in a conversation is so amazingly scary

Also once a month or so Gojo looks for a new show for you both to binge, and discuss about

Y’all are currently watching Hunter x Hunter together

“Killua would be an excellent student of mine.”

“He’d hate you.”

Dating him is like dating your best friend.

Gojo really likes to just have dates at home, you both cook together, play some video games , and just joke around

Not to say he won’t take you out he most definitely will though.

“I got you this dress be ready by 9…and don’t wear panties.”

“HELLO—“

Nsfw

Gojo is a pervert…he really is.

You didn’t know how bad it was when he was once really drunk and showed you his photo gallery to show you some memes he saved but accidentally showed the album of lewd photos of you on there.

“Oh! Ooooh! Oh this wasn’t the video…haha.”

A whole video of him recording you getting pounded from the back

“SATO—?!”

“Sorry…you look hot though lookit!”

Panty sniffer

Panty stealer

Takes the panties you wear when you’re on your period to replace them with thongs

“My pad wont fit—“

“It’s okay just wear a towel.”

You hate him sm

He casually makes remarks about sex

Like just randomly on a Thursday morning during breakfast

“Baby tonight when you suck my dick can you also sit on my face? I promise you’re not heavy.”

Like mf we are eating French Toast watching Sponegbob what’s wrong with you.

Speaking of being heavy he likes to pick you up and fuck you on the wall

Like

ALOT

He is most definitely the “Gentle lover but fucks you like a beast” trope

Wont admit it but loves eating your ass

He does very long licks when eating you from the back just to lick you ALLLLL THE WAY.

He has asked if you wanted to get your pussy pierced too.

He seen it in a porno and thought it’d look so hot on you.

“But—“

“No.”

Still asks like once a week

Gojo is a Butt man.

That’s why he loves doggy style with you.

The way your pretty melanin is so shiny and wet jiggling off of Gojo’s pelvis makes him so turned on he sometimes can’t last too long

“Fuck baby I’m cuming!” He whines as he slams behind you harder gripping at your thick hair.

His hand is never not on your butt

Ok one more thing on him being a pervert

He really likes taking pictures of you

Like ALOT

Sometimes you’ll know and other you won’t

Which are his favorite.

He has a few videos of you touching yourself without your knowledge and because of this he has 2 phones, one for when he’s out and that other phone hidden where nobody can steal it.

Really wants to make a sex tape with you

Like so bad

He doesn’t even use porn anymore to jack off he’d rather look at a video of you moaning his name

He’ll never admit it but he wants to be dominated by you so bad skshdhdiek

Why do you think he’s so teasing?

Your attitude is the most attractive thing about you and seeing you possibly snap at him one day and have him crying for more is something he hopes for you to do.

Also wanna know what he gave you for your birthday?

A dildo that was molded into the same shape of his dick

“Here! So then when I’m away you can help yourself!…still not as good as the real thing though eh eh.”

This mf is a menace.