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mariacallous · 8 months ago

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On one of my first reporting trips to Haiti, in 1987, I set out north by road from the capital, Port-au-Prince, on the eve of an election, hoping to get a taste of voter sentiment in the countryside.

After 50 miles, my car was stopped at a roadblock on the outskirts of a seaside town called Saint-Marc. There, bands of thugs loosely allied with right-wing politicians were roughing up passengers, extorting money from them, and, in at least one case, setting a vehicle on fire.

I was allowed to proceed but warned that I couldn’t return to the capital until after the election the next morning. For whatever reason, the thugs had decided they would shut down the highway for 48 hours. When my reporting was done, I headed back by the same route, and the scene had badly deteriorated. A line of stopped vehicles stretched into the distance, and now, burnt-out wrecks lay strewn on either side of the roadbed.

When my car reached the front of the line and we were interrogated, I was alarmed to find that the same man who had warned me against trying to return was still holding sway. After a long and squirmy conversation, he finally let me through, though, but not before administering several punches to the head of my terrified driver.

This was just the smallest intimation of the trouble to come. When I went out to cover voting in the capital the next day, one of the first scenes I came upon was the site of a massacre at a polling station hosted by a school. Thus commenced my introduction to Haiti.

Over the next six years, during which I made countless visits to the country, often involving lengthy stays, I sometimes imagined I had seen everything. After one violent coup d’état, armed groups occupied the airport, stopping all commercial aviation. To fly in, I banded together with other Miami-based reporters to charter a Learjet plane, but on approach to Haiti’s capital, the pilot was warned off with the threat that our plane would be shot down if it attempted to land.

The next day, we rented another small jet, and this time there was no one running or policing the airport. We landed and walked through a terminal that had mysteriously been left completely deserted.

In 1992, I was invited to the army headquarters for an interview with the leader of the right wing junta, U.S.-trained Lt. Gen. Raoul Cédras. At the appointed time, I was ushered into a conference room on the second floor of the rickety building where seven senior Haitian military officers sat stone-faced around a large table. When Cédras entered the room, our meeting began with him sliding his revolver to the middle of the table and asking his men unsmilingly who would like to volunteer to shoot this journalist who has been such a pest. After a long moment of tense silence, he took his gun back and holstered it and the interview proceeded. Haitian journalists, I hasten to add, experienced much worse.

A year later, I stayed on in the country for weeks after the start of an international embargo of a military regime that had overthrown the elected leader, the Rev. Jean-Bertrand Aristide, and was now clinging defiantly to power. One afternoon in October 1993, I looked on as a gun-waving band of a few dozen militiamen orchestrated a raucous portside demonstration that prevented the docking of a 522-foot-long U.S. warship, the USS Harlan County, with more than 200 soldiers aboard.

The ship had arrived bearing a contingent of international peacekeepers that was intended to pave the way for Aristide’s rightful restoration. The secret to their success in turning the ship back was the chant “Somalia, Somalia.” Their invocation of the Battle of Mogadishu, more famously known to Americans as the Black Hawk Down Incident, a week earlier, in which 18 Americans were killed, had more power than any magician’s spell.

I have taken the time to revisit scenes like these for one reason that is obvious and another that may not be. The first is that Haiti is presently in the grips of a very serious crisis, with no functioning government and violent gangs running rampant. The second is that, despite its catastrophic nature, few of the elements in Haiti’s grave situation are actually entirely new.

During the trying period in which I covered the country, I witnessed moments when the National Assembly completely broke down and became essentially irrelevant, when two or more people claimed legitimacy to rule, and when power briefly seemed vacant. I saw times when the streets were ruled by gangs or by shadowy militia like the Tonton Macoutes and the so-called attachés. I saw fecklessness by the international community, of which the Harlan County incident is but one example, and I also saw fleeting moments when the world appeared to come through for Haiti when every alternative seemed exhausted.

This included the restoration of Aristide to power through a U.S.-led intervention under President Bill Clinton in 1994. My coverage of Haiti and its region ended just then, but from afar I also followed Aristide’s subsequent failure and one might even say betrayal of his country as a brittle, vindictive, and—as many of his critics believe—violence-prone and even corrupt leader. His trajectory was all the more remarkable and disheartening in light of his beginnings, as a Salesian priest and devotee of progressive liberation theology.

What makes Haiti’s situation so special today is the way that all of its past failures seem to be recurring at once, in symphonic tragedy or grand mashup. There is no president (The last one, Jovenel Moïse, was murdered in 2021.). The acting prime minister, Ariel Henry, has been effectively exiled. There is no parliament. There is no army. There is barely a police force. And there is virtually no economy, save for a lucrative traffic in narcotics from South America, for which the country has long served as a wide-open trans-shipment base.

Gangs rule the streets, but they provide no structure or order, no hope for the future, and certainly no peace. The population lives at their mercy, with ordinary people terrorized and shot randomly as they seek out food or try to go about their daily business. Large numbers of people are reduced to living on the streets under shabby tarpaulins without municipal water, sewage, or electricity.

This had all led to the return of a recurrent and hard-to-resolve debate. Should the outside world intervene, and if so, what form should this take? The deployment of a Kenyan police contingent has been delayed by the effective anarchy in Port-au-Prince—as well as the Kenyan High Court decision—and for a cluster of reasons, historic and current, the United States is taking a hands-off approach, avoiding any direct intervention of its own. The historical reasons for this are solid.

Little known to most Americans, the United States has a destructive, racist, and corrupt imperial history in Haiti, which includes an intervention by the Marines in 1915, following another period of extraordinary political violence in the country. Washington’s contemporary reluctance would seem to stem from domestic U.S. politics: After a century of foreign interventions, deploying U.S. troops overseas for nation-building or even peacekeeping purposes is nowadays considered a vote loser.

Where does this leave Haiti? Sources of optimism are difficult to find. A starting point for the outside world might be a reckoning with how brutally and thoroughly Haiti was exploited in its past. This begins with the creation by France of what has often been called the most profitable colony in the world. This is a story that traces back to the early 18th century and the launching of a prison industrial labor camp system, prettified under the name “plantations,” in order to produce sugar on an untold scale.

Cane was only one of the raw ingredients. The lives of Africans who were brought there and forced to work in the fields was the other. In the human equivalent of planned obsolescence, newly enslaved Africans were worked to death with an average life expectancy of roughly five years from the time of arrival. Replacing this labor due to mortality was considered then just an ordinary feature of business. I wrote extensively about what the world owes Haiti as a result of this gruesome exploitation in my book Born in Blackness.

Crimes like these were insidiously compounded by the embargo that Western nations placed on Haiti as punishment for the audacity of winning its own freedom from outside domination and slavery in 1804. For this insult to Western wealth and power, the country was subjected to exorbitant and crippling indemnity payments that lasted for decades.

Ultimately, though, it is in Haiti’s feat of self-liberation that the country’s hopes for rebirth must lie. Modern history offers few if any more triumphal stories than the defeat of one Western army after another (France, Spain, Britain, and then France again) by Africans brought to Hispaniola to be worked to death—all in the cause of freedom and sovereignty.

In 1804, when Haiti was born, no other Western nation had legally enacted the values of the Enlightenment so fully—by abolishing slavery and discrimination on the basis of race. Long before the American Civil War and major civil rights legislation of the mid-20th century, Haitians had written these ideals into their constitution.

In recent decades, Haitians have been betrayed by the greed, pettiness, and narrow vision of their elites. But history shows us an example of the capacity of its people to rise up against the worst sorts of iniquity, and the Haitian people will somehow need to summon this capacity again. And when they tell the international community what form of assistance would be most helpful, the world should rally to their needs.

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chilewithcarnage · 9 months ago

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dude u have ocs? thats awesome can u talk abt them i love hearing abt characters

hell yeah! i never get asked about my ocs, let's go!

kemet: early 20s, chain smokes. lives in louisiana but his family originally comes from cleveland ohio. is in college majoring in culinary arts. has a shitty but high-key talented garage band he formed with his childhood best friends danny and babatunde (tune for short). tune plays drums, danny plays bass, kemet plays lead guitar. they all provide vocals. he has haitian and nigerian relatives. got a dry sense of humor and typically chill guy but has bouts of neuroticism and can go from 0 to 100 real quick but it takes a lot to get him there. parents are really into the pan african badu andre3000 black love and spiritualism thing but in a cool way not the hotep way. has one older sister and a gang of cousins.

lynn: short for lynette. early 20s. goth lesbian. kemet's og best friend. people always ask if they're dating because they hang out with each other so much. obv not the case cause, lesbian. and she sees him as a play cousin. doesn't smoke but always keeps a coffin shaped flask with pink whitney in it on her (attached to her belt). born and raised in the no but her accent is really subdued. big fan of 80s/90s industrial goth music and early 2000s alt metal. she's not super musically inclined but kemet got her into dj'ing briefly. in college for business because she wants to start her own alt magazine. lots of familial trauma + only child. dad's in jail, mom is on the run. has cousins aunts and uncles but never met them.

jaleena: early 20s, new to the friend group. shes the 'preppy' friend. in college to be a vet tech. could be classified as bubbly. gonna be honest she's the most lacking in lore lol.

( I'll reblog this later with additional ocs✌🏾)

#asks #my ocs

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conjuremanj · 10 months ago

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Eggun-Our Ancestors Tree.

Before I begin there is no ancestral tree in hoodoo the tree it's self is not important but it is a place were people gathered to sing, dance,band place offerings.

One of the most important spirits you can work with besides your guardian spirits is working with your ancestors. Ancestors are the ones who have walked the path before you. They are the link between us and heaven; they should be the first you talk to before other spirits or deities.

What Are Eggun?

Eggun are spirits a direct blood line to us, they are your family members. They are NOT other spirits that you may or may not have with you or use like Native American Spirits, La Madama, Gypsy or any other spirits.

We all have ansestors/Eggun and we all can work with them. There is no “wrong way” to speak with them or work with them; but it is always good to have the guidance from an experience professional.

Where Can I Find A Eggun Tree? I think all states or counties may have one, it's a place that have the oldest tree, a tree that have seen a lot and holds significance to the people in the city.

Eggun tree a place for remembering your ancestors, where they sung songs, where they gathered, where they did there rituals and ceremony's, where they called on there spirits and left offering to them. Like the one we have in New Orleans it's a place where Africans and Haitians gathered so it's a place to leave offering to spirits/ deities.👇

An Eggun Tree in Congo Square where I'm from.

These trees are important not just to African spiritual practices but to witches, wiccans, pagans, folk practitioners all of us can use a ancestral tree.

What Offerings Should I Leave By the Tree? Really anything. Go to the store and just feel what pulls you in, what you pick is what they want.

For your altar. Place things that they might like.

Example Below you'll see offerings like gum, fruit, beans, money

You can create one in your home also, to build or set-up an area you can dedicate to them only. You can take a piece of the tree with you (don't cut a big chunk out)

(More on ancestral altar see that post)

#Eggun tree #Louisiana voodoo #New Orleans voodoo #Eggun offering #like and/or reblog!#spiritual #google search #rootwork #follow my blog #southern voodoo #southern spirits #african spirituality #african practices #african diasporic #ask me anything #message me #Voodoo offering #Ancestor offering

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burlveneer-music · 1 year ago

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Chouk Bwa & The Ångstromers& The Ångstromers - Somanti

Haitian six-piece Chouk Bwa meets Belgian production duo, The Ångströmers. Afro-Caribbean voodoo polyrhythms meet bass-weight dub electronics. After the acclaimed Vodou Alé released in 2020 and two 12’’ in 2022, Chouk Bwa & The Ångströmers strike back with Somanti, a brand-new album that digs again into Haïtian vodou and electronic experimentations. Brutally separated by the COVID crisis, the band went back on stage in 2022 and performed about thirty concerts in Europe. Between two concert series, they took the opportunity to record their live set. The connection between the well-preserved vodou tradition on one hand, and analog electronics on the other hand, gets deeper and deeper, with also a kind of rage due to the incredible difficulty of the world. The musical result is wild and full of twists and blasts. It’s in-your-face.

#Bandcamp #Chouk Bwa #haiti #belgium #vodou #2023 #dub #world music

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krispyweiss · 1 year ago

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Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Day No. 2, Golden Gate Park, San Francisco, Sept. 30, 2023

Leyla McCalla controls the weather.

An overcast day in San Francisco’s Golden Gate Park suddenly turned sun-soaked when the former Carolina Chocolate Drop sang: My face to the sun as she performed Our Native Daughters’ “I Knew I Could Fly” during her Sept. 30 Hardly Strictly Bluegrass set on the Towers of Gold Stage.

“That’s awesome,” she said mid-verse as the Earth’s star emerged from the afternoon clouds.

Following the electric and steel guitar instrumentals of Hermanos Gutiérrez on the adjacent Swan stage and playing cello, banjo and electric guitar, backed with rhythm section and electric guitar, McCalla covered Kendrick Lamar’s “Crown” and offered a gumbo of New Orleanian, Haitian and American music delivered in English and Haitian Creole while showcasing her the Capitalist Blues and Breaking the Thermometer LPs.

The Sound Biteses’ day had begun in the pre-noon fog with the down-in-the-holler, old-time string music of Dry Branch Fire Squad playing the songs of Gillian Welch, Doc Watson and Bill Monroe on the Banjo stage. Later, it was gospel from the McCrary Sisters, who sung Stevie Wonder’s “Higher Ground,” “Amazing Grace” and other numbers backed by a full band during short, five- to 15-minute sets on the Rooster stage, where Brennan Leigh offered a lunchtime menu of traditional country music.

It was also on the Rooster that Emmylou Harris previewed her Sunday appearance by guesting with Shawn Camp and Verlon Thompson and closing their Doc Watson tribute set with Guy Clark’s “Old Friends.”

Shortly afterward, Bettye LaVette sauntered onstage to deliver her grinding version of Bob Dylan’s “Things Have Changed.” From here, it was an impassioned reading of songs from the Randall Bramblett-written LaVette! album as the singer prowled the stage and proved her 77 years have cost her nothing in vocal prowess and stage presence.

“If I could write, this is what I would have said,” LaVette said in introducing the new songs, which worked better on stage than on wax.

Rickie Lee Jones attracted a ginormous crowd to Banjo - “I haven’t seen so many people in front of me for so long,” she said, soaking it in - and their enthusiasm rubbed off. Jones, whose band included Vilray on guitar and vocals, plus accordion and bass, was animated as she danced around the stage and crooned like a lounge singer when she wasn’t playing guitar, banjo or piano.

Opening with a radically rearranged “Danny’s All-Star Joint” more suited for the streets of New Orleans than the fields of Golden Gate, Jones went on to perform “I Won’t Grow Up” - for the first time, she said - “Last Chance Texaco,” “We Belong Together” and a sinewy rendition of Steely Dan’s “Show Biz Kids” that found Jones lifting her orange sweater to sing of the Rickie Lee T-shirt beneath.

Give RLJ the MVP for turning in HSB No. 2’s No. 1 gig.

Faced with the quintessential festivalgoers’ dilemma, Mr. and Mrs. Sound Bites split the last hour between Steve Earle’s uncharacteristically sleepy solo-acoustic set on the Banjo and Irma Thomas’ barnburner R&B/soul revival at the Rooster.

At 82, Thomas played the day’s most rambunctious set, ripping into “Time is on My Side” and getting the audience bouncing and waving their handkerchiefs on her mashup of “I Done Got Over It” -> “Iko Iko” -> “Hey Pocky Way” -> “I Done Got Over It.” That one might be ringing through Golden Gate’s trees along with the birdsong for some time to come.

Read Sound Bites’ coverage of HSB Day One here.

10/1/23

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haitilegends · 4 months ago

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Exciting news! 🎶🚨

AYIZAN has just dropped their album "TRANSPARANS" on all music streaming services! Checkout the captivating tunes of this CD today. 🌟

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the-girl-who-didnt-smile · 3 months ago

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KING OF THE DEAD

Description (translation: disorganized rant) below cut

MAN I have a lot of different ideas I want to get out, but before getting into that, I want to preface this by explaining what my VISION here is. Because I am completely insane, I REALLY like imagining “what if my DeviantArt OCs were in the canon of Hazbin Hotel”, but I should clarify what I mean by that… I do not mean that I want them to appear in the main TV series. That would be pure madness, brother.

THEY ONLY HAVE EIGHT EPISODES IN A SEASON!!!

…What I was actually envisioning is that the Papa Legba characters appears in, I don’t know, Season 6 of this show, or later… He’s a flashback character and/or connected to Alastor’s mother, or even Alastor himself. Everyone else would just get relegated to a spin off after the end (or at least, outside) of the main series. The pirate crew / jazz band can flesh out the setting of Earth and possible realms that exist outside of Heaven and Hell… You could release, I dunno, comics or, some Hazbin Hotel light novels about them (I am open to ideas…) I feel like there is so much raw creativity in Hazbin Hotel, you could make tons of spin offs to develop various aspects of the setting and lore!

But here’s a fun thought… What Hazbin Hotel turns into this long running show with tons more episodes? Aside from Big Papa, I think the second coolest Voodoo-related thing that could be put into this show is either (1) characters inspired by the Erzulies (Ezili Dantor and Ezili Freda), or (2) characters inspired by Les Trois Esprits Du Cimetière:

That being, Baron Samedi, Maman Brigitte, and Gede Nibo.

(by which I mean, characters inspired by them. Like with the Papa Legba character, I think their names should be changed)

Since they are spirits of the Dead, they are actually the ones that fit the best into the setting of Hazbin Hotel, which takes place in the afterlife. Additionally, there are a number of sources that describe Gede Nibo as queer himself (this is something I plan to write about at a later time…).

I was going to say that I think Baron Samedi might actually be a character Vivziepop is planning to put in this show, due to the number of characters wearing top hats, but I think the actual reason they wear top hats is because Lucifer wears a top hat… I think they’re Borrowin Lucifer, not Samedi…

(this is really funny to me… I like the idea of Lucifer being a fashion icon in Hell)

In my VISION, the Papa Legba character would be more inspired by how he appears in 19th century New Orleans Vodou and folklore of the broader American South in the early 20th century; in contrast, “Les Trois Espirits” would be more inspired by their portrayals in Haitian Vodou, to honor Gede’s origins in Haiti. However, I would not design these characters as shown above, but use the alternative concept instead.

Having taken more than two seconds to think about this, I actually think the concept presented above (i.e., “The Baron of Death” and “Maman la Vie”) was conceived in poor taste, and that the alternative concept (i.e., “Baron of the Dead” and “Gran Maman”) is for sure the superior one. My brain cells were firing a little too fast back there…

To put this in perspective, imagine if I came up with a character named “Mother Miriam”. She’s not Mother Mary, but she wears a hood to make herself look like Mother Mary, serves a similar role to Mother Mary, and is obviously inspired by Mother Mary. Not only is she transgender, but she’s a crazy sadomasochist too!

Atheists are probably laughing their asses off at this bizarre comparison, but come on guys… l-let’s be grown ups here…

The above is obviously offensive to Christians, so why is it any different with Vodou? Although I have written about New Orleans Vodou has been unfairly denigrated by American media, I have hypocritically treated Vodou without the same level of respect as Christianity and other major religions. We non believers still have to approach the lwa with the same level of respect as the Saints, etc…

It’s not just the Baron character who is problematic, but Maman. Previously I had claimed that Maman Brigitte was a Caucasian lwa with Celtic origins and that she is very promiscuous, but this is probably just misinformation. This and other comments I made regarding Baron Samedi were things I read from a source that turned out to be not reputable, I apologize for being so sloppy in my research. I think the confusion might arise from the fact that her name is spelled similarly to the Irish Saint. But if you look at traditional Haitian art, Gran Brijit is not portrayed as a Caucasian.

Here is how the lwa are portrayed by Andre Pierre:

A most exquisite painting! As you can see, Pierre employed a range of skin tones, where some of the lwa (e.g., Ezili Freda, Damballa Wedo) are portrayed as lighter skinned. Maman Brigitte is shown next to Baron Samedi in the bottom right corner.

Here is closer shot of Maman Brigitte, alongside Baron Samedi and Gede Nibo:

Maman Brigitte is not Caucasian, biracial, or light skinned. Actually, she is portrayed as dark skinned, where she, Baron Samedi, and Gede Nibo all have the same skin tone. Additionally, she is not promiscuous, but a dignified and reserved older woman.

Andre Pierre is not the only Haitian artist to portray her in this manner. Here’s how she’s portrayed by Gerard Paul:

And Roudy Azor:

These match the description provided by Nwokocha, where she writes: “Gede, like all lwa, has many incarnations, including Bawon Samedi, a guardian of the cemetery; Gran Brijit, an old woman, keeper of the cemetery, and Gede’s partner; and Gede Nimbo, a male spirit who is often honored by queer people and who appears as an effeminate dandy.” (p. 37)

Elsewhere: “Gede’s delighted embrace of sexuality is an undeniable display of male desires. The spirit manifests in multiple genders, like his female counterpart Gran Brijit, but only the male version are so explicitly sexual. No female deity in the Vodou pantheon expresses sexual desires so emphatically or bluntly in a ceremony. There are female spirits who are coy, mysterious, vengeful, or wise, but not one proudly proclaims her sexual desires…” (p. 39-40)

The following paragraph provides important context to non Black readers: “During the centuries of enslavement in Hispaniola, enslaved Black women were subject to routine sexual abuse from White enslavers and others with the power to dominate them. To justify this commonplace brutality, Black women were constructed as hypersexual temptresses and prostitutes who were always available for sexual conquest...To combat the construction of Black women as hypersexual, their sexual desires were ignored entirely, characterized by reductive binaries that placed whores on one side and good, chaste Christian women on the other: there was no room for the actual desires of real women."

Source: Nwokocha, Eziaku Atuama. Vodou en vogue: fashioning Black divinities in Haiti and the United States. UNC Press Books, 2023.

Furthermore, I’ve noticed that Gran Brijit seems to have several things in common with the orisha Oya, to the point that I wonder if Gran Brijit and Oya have a shared origin… This is something I’ve been meaning to research…

For the above reasons, I think it was tasteless of me to portray the Maman character as a younger promiscuous woman. I know she is sometimes portrayed by artist as a younger promiscuous woman, but I would rather portray her as she is traditionally portrayed as an older, sexually reserved woman. I don’t know, I just think this is the respectful approach to take since Americans get things wrong about the lwa all the time. This would also aid in adding body and age diversity to the cast - she contrasts with the other women by being a heavier set, older woman.

Long story short, the alternative concept is the better one. Unfortunately, I basically just wrote myself into a corner here. I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS I just don’t foresee myself going back and retconning the shit I put into my stupid fanfiction. I REALLY regret not thinking of the alternate concept earlier!!!

… But like, bro… This fanfiction is SO FUCKING WEIRD!!!! Alastor is just, the wrong race and the wrong gender in this, and my DeviantArt OC owns his soul… Has anyone managed to one-up this in terms of sheer weirdness???

We are so far into wacky non canon land… WHERE ARE WE????!!!!

I don’t even care. Wacky non canon land can be so much fun.

Case in point: Alastoria.

She is so much hotter than Al’s canon hot ass girl form, it’s not even close!

You can just take this as this weird AU where Lavi and Lanmò became gods instead of demons. But yeah. It’s staying in my weird ass fanfiction, but this is expressly something I would NOT want to be put in the canon of this show. HOLY SHIT!!!!!!! THAT WOULD BE CRINGE!!!!!!!

WHAT WAS I THINKING??????!!!!!!!!!!!

…Sorry, boys. I only got two brain cells and they are both very deranged. But this is what I love about fanfiction: It is allowed to be stupid and shitty and cringe!

So yeah. Leave this concept in cringe fanfiction, where it fucking belongs!

…With that out of the way, I should probably explain what is actually happening in these doodles.

THE UNDERWORLD

So originally I had planned to just completely off-screen the sexualities of these two characters, because they’re SO OUTRAGEOUS you can’t actually show what they’re doing…. It’s also really easy to just slip and make this guy cringe (exhibit A: my…my Deviantart account…) But queer sexuality is such a big part of Hazbin Hotel (also Helluva Boss) it really doesn’t make sense to off-screen their sexuality. This represents my attempt to depict their sexualities in a non-cringe manner (mission failure imminent…)

They rule over another realm called “The Underworld” that predates the existence of Heaven or Hell. They handpick humans to join them in the Underworld, where they become Gede instead of Demons or Angels. (nominally, Baron is the one who decides, but in terms of real power they are equal… Maman can veto his decision, she’s just never done this because she’s always agreed with his decisions…)

The Underworld has several zones to it:

THRONE ROOM: It’s just that.

I was picturing it like, if a man wants to speak with them, Baron sits on the throne; if a woman wants to speak with them, Maman sits on the throne; if a nonbinary person wants to speak with them, either one or both of them might appear. They make their avatars huge so they completely dwarf whoever wants to talk to them.

If the “court” (the “court” has no real power) is assembled for some important decision / law, Baron sits on the throne while Maman sits on his lap. It’s a joint rulership and the two have equal amounts of real power.

Let’s just plagiarize Thanos while we’re here!

ZONE 1: It’s basically a big ballroom house. The reason it has this ball theme is because the leader of the Gede is a character called “Queen of the Damned” (see below) and she’s a drag queen. Baron hates the music that is played in this zone, but he still shows up because he really likes Queen of the Damned.

The whole idea is it’s like a bunch of drag queens, and their ruler is a drag king… or really, an ex-drag king (he just fully transitioned to male…)

Large sections found in Queering Creole Spiritual Traditions summarize the association between AMAB and AFAB gender/sexual queerness and the Gede, in which the authors make the comparison to ballroom culture.

Source: Conner, Randy P. Lundschien, and David Sparks. Queering Creole spiritual traditions: Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender participation in African-inspired traditions in the Americas. Routledge, 2014, p. 62 & p. 92

The chapter “"Look at Me!": Dressing Gede to the Nines” in Eziaku Atuama Nwokocha’s Vodou en vogue describes spiritual “female-to-male” transformation that occur when a mambo is “mounted” by Papa Gede; a connection to drag kings and the transmasculine spectrum is easily made.

Source: Nwokocha, Eziaku Atuama. Vodou en vogue: fashioning Black divinities in Haiti and the United States. UNC Press Books, 2023. p. 35 https://www.google.com/books/edition/Vodou_en_Vogue/_2qLEAAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&pg=PA35

In her travels to Haiti, Elizabeth McAlister observed the following:

“It is in these wee hours of the morning that the Gede spirits (pronounced GEDD-eh) will come to « monte » (ride) the dancers…Women, « ridden » by the lwa (spirit), will become men. Grasping walking sticks–some with penises carved at the top–they will begin the gouyad, a grinding, whining dance of the Banda, a stylized parody of sexual intercourse. Judging by the songs some of these women-turned-men are singing, you will guess they have become homosexual men. As the songs for the Gede continue, men will also seem like masisi, « faggots. » One man even seems to have become a women, who is busy gossiping primly to a group of her fans…Gede are living corpses, great healers, great workers, and the ultimate drama queens in a divine theater of power and gender. The Gede spirits display, mimic and caricature gender and sexuality in order to get at cultural knowledge and memory, the pain and truth of which only they can withstand. The Gede are almost always dark complected spirits of former colonial slaves and if you get to know them they will tell you how they were tortured, how they suffered and how they died. At the ceremony, after you have been ridiculed and forgotten, and as you rise to leave the next morning you can still hear the Gede inside, singing with nasal voices, « Miyo miyo miyo, faggots and dykes, Oh . . . »”

Source: McAlister, Elizabeth A. "Love, sex, and gender embodied: The spirits of Haitian Vodou." Love, sex and gender in the world religions (2000): 129-146. https://africultures.com/love-sex-and-gender-embodied-the-spirits-of-haitian-vodou-5719/

Katherine Smith observed something similar, where she writes: “Gede mounts individuals as well as small marauding bands of vagabon who may pound on tombs and yell obscenities at the dead. In 2007, one such group of young men dressed in drag, fellated bones, and danced flamboyantly as the crowed cheered “Gede Masisi!” (Gay Gede!).”

Source: Smith, Katherine. "Dialoging with the urban dead in Haiti." Southern Quarterly 47.4 (2010): p. 83

Hence, the decision to give this zone a drag queen (and king) theme.

ZONE 2: This is just a massive orgy. ALL KINDS of demonic debauchery take place here, but there are actually zones within this zone. On the outskirts, whatever’s going on is relatively normal/vanilla, but as you get closer to the center that’s when shit starts getting more and more wild. That’s because at the center is Baron and Maman are. They always have at least one (usually, a lot more than one!) of their avatars into the center of this massive sex pit… the CRAZIEST shit ever is happening there. But because they literally like every form of sex, you will sometimes spot one or some of their avatar(s) further away from the center, doing less crazy shit. You can tell where they are because they force you to listen to heavy metal.

I was picturing it like they recruit the CRAZIEST, MOST MASOCHISTIC succubi and incubi from the Lust ring, and/or they make weird shadow projections that they have sex. They probably just turn people into zombies and have sex with those two… They’re SO crazy!!!

ZONE 3: This zone is in the very bottom, darkest pit of the Underworld. It is simply called THE DUNGEON. It is exactly what you think it is.

This is the other thing that these two like to do to people who disrespect them. You have to make up new vocabulary for the forms of mind fucking (literally!!!) forms of torture that take place here. Everyone who goes through this is broken in every imaginable sense of the word, and other ways that were not previously imaginable. It is inevitable that you will eventually die from whatever is being done to you. But they just go and fetch your soul and drag you back to THE DUNGEON. You have immortality now, but in the worst way possible… There is no fate worse than this. This too, is Real Hell.

…This is why these two are arguably extremely evil. Some of the people in THE DUNGEON were literally en route to Heaven, but they worked a REALLY long shift just before they died, so they rolled their eyes at these guys a little, and this was their final fate.

I don’t even care. To the contrary - I think these guys are extremely considerate! These two are just BROADCASTING how dangerous and insane they are. If you were dumb enough to disrespect them for any reason, that’s just Darwinism in action!

(it’s great because most of the people who suffer this weren’t the most evil people, but the ones who were both evil and stupid… I wish this is how real life worked!)

The reason they have this trait is because Croco D. Boy (One Piece) has this conference room but it’s actually just a torture dungeon that he uses to torture Buggy D. Clown for sport.

…It just dawned on me that there’s a decent chance Sir D. Crocoboy is a crazy sexual sadist, and that he got to clap Robin's cheeks back when she was still hot.

Now I’m feeling nothing but unbridled hate envy and rage!

Crocodile literally has the single worst Logia in all of One Piece, and he got bodied by PRE GEAR Luffy!!! He is so fucking cringe!

He’s so evil too. Why didn’t Luffy just kill this guy???

BANSHEES

Because I am literally the dumbest person in the entire Hazbin Hotel fandom, I really want to believe that Hazbin Hotel is gonna go full Marineford Arc and build up to this HUGE all-out war between Heaven and Hell.

ANNE FRANK VERSUS TE D. BUNDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…So the “banshees” are the native species to the Underworld. They are called “banshees” because in this weird fanfiction, the Maman is a transracial adoptee who (in her past human life) was adopted into an Irish family. (it’s supposed to be meta on the portrayal of Maman Brigitte’s race/ethnicity + a liminal identity since she’s a spirit of liminality between life and death)

Although they’re called “banshees”, they actually have more of a Haitian influence. They are very playful spirits, who have two forms. In their non-combat forms, they dress in purple and white dresses in the style of Fet Gede dancers. They are empowered by Baron and Maman, which grants them healing and killing abilities. In their combat forms, their bodies become completely encased in Baron’s killing magic. They wear masks inspired by the art of Frantz Zéphirin, and they wield scythes. Scythes are kind of stupid weapons, but they wield them because the Spirit of Death of New Orleans (quite possibly, Baron Samedi) was described as wielding "a scythe in one hand and a small wooden coffin in the other". (p. 127)

Source: Alvarado, Denise. Witch Queens, Voodoo Spirits, and Hoodoo Saints: A Guide to Magical New Orleans. Weiser Books, 2022.

The whole idea is that it’s an Underworld counterpart to the Exorcists. In the event of an all-out war, I like to believe that Heaven is WAY stronger than Hell… Sera just BODIES Lucifer and there’s a bunch of super-strong Archangels + Seraphim + Cherubim, etc… that have yet to be revealed. Charlie would be a SERIOUS underdog and would need to recruit forces from other realms to stand a chance. So she would have to try to win over Maman and get this army on her side.

I specify Maman because I think it is really easy for the Maman character to get overshadowed by the Baron character, where she’s just his wife and doesn’t have an important role on her own. I think the way to avoid this is to make them “yin and yang” - masculine and feminine counterparts. Baron interacts with men, Maman interacts with women, and both interact with nonbinary people (someone further down the masculine spectrum interacts with Baron more frequently, while someone further down the feminine spectrum interacts with Maman more frequently). For this reason, I tried to design Maman’s personality in a way to make her interactions with Charlie fun. At first, you think this is another Emily archetype, but the more you learn about her it’s just like, wow… I didn’t know psychopaths could be this nice!

A comment on transgender representation: Previously, I commented on the invisibility of trans men in media (more broadly, the trans masculine spectrum). I’m a little worried that this might have come across as me saying that transfems have good representation in media. That is not at all the case - especially when race and class accounted for.

This is a really dense topic that I can’t do justice in a couple short paragraphs, but key point: The worst, most offensive portrayals of transgender people usually involve transfems. So while there are more positive examples of transfems in media, these are necessary to undo the damage done by gross negative portrayals.

Take ONE PIECE for example.

In One Piece, there is a horrendous portrayal of trans women in the form of Kamabakka Kingdom. Literally, just a bunch of hideous men in dresses, and they’re all crazy sexual predators… it’s AWFUL!!! (although, not gonna lie… I was entertained by Sanji getting thrown here because I think pre-timeskip Sanji is really annoying, and it was funny seeing him cry in his own personal Hell…) This was later rectified with Kikunojo, who is one of the best non-stereotypical portrayals of a trans woman from a recent anime! In the middle of being stereotypical and non-stereotypical, there are the characters of Bon Clay and Ivankov (who I would describe as nonbinary; not binary trans women) (Emporio Ivankov is one of my favorite characters in all of One Piece…) However, there are no examples of trans men, or nonbinary trans mascs. (Yamato is NOT transgender… that was always just mistranslation + people having no understanding of Japanese culture/fictional tropes) This exemplifies the hypervisibility of transfems and invisibility of transmascs.

The invisibility of transmascs (more broadly, masculine of center AFABs) is reflected in the language of the Haitian “M Community”. An important detail: I have been using terms that originate in the Western bourgeoisie, such as “LGBTQ”, “transmasc”/”transfem” and “AFAB”/”AMAB”, but these are not words Haitians use to describe themselves - especially those from the Black proletariat. There are several words to describe those of the “masculine sex” (assigned male at birth / AMAB). These individuals experience extreme prejudice and violence - including the former president of KOURAJ, who was killed in 2019. There is one word used - usually, as an insult - to describe anyone of “the feminine sex who has homosexual relations, even episodically”, including “all heterosexual persons of the feminine sex having homosexual relations”. There are no words to describe masculine of center lesbians, or individuals on the transmasculine spectrum. This disparity is found in many world cultures, and is most pronounced among the lower classes. The reasons for this are so complex, I will spare you the dissertation.

Long story short, good and diverse representation of transgender and gender nonconforming (TGNC) people is lacking - especially at the intersection of race, class, and gender. As far as I can tell, the vast majority of good representation of transfems involves white people or the whitest POC imaginable (usually, white looking mixed race people, or white looking East Asians) or it’s non humans who are racially ambiguous. Whenever nonwhite transfems are shown, they are usually given Eurocentric features (e.g., pale skin, straight and/or blond hair, etc…) and not given narrative importance. Not to mention, the extreme sexualization and fetishization of these characters, where it’s often some nameless, vilified prostitute... It’s a terrible message to send to transfems of color!

Helluva Boss actually has a very positive portrayal of a trans woman in Sally Mae. She’s literally the most important relationship Millie has, outside of her husband Moxxie! Her design is up there with Kikunojo… actually, I think her design is better, since she’s voiced by a trans voice actress. But I think it would add something to include transfem characters who are not racially ambiguous - either, former humans who are unambiguously Black, or nonhuman characters who are racially coded to be Black.

That’s why all of the Banshees are transfeminine; or, in Haitian terms, part of the “M community”. So is their commander, “Queen of the Damned” (described below). That’s why all the Banshees wear women’s clothes but have flat chests, which become visible in their combat forms. They should all be voiced Black transfems and/or drag queens.

In real life, there is a broader range of gender presentation in the “M community”; I chose to make the “Banshees” more feminine presenting so that they could serve as a visual counterpart to the Exorcists.

Similar to the celebration of Halloween, Fet Gede is a big holiday for them, and the other members of the Underworld. I made up the “Banshees” because Hazbin Hotel has native species to Hell which contrast with the former humans (Sinners); hence, the Underworld has a native species (“Banshees”) and a species of former humans (“Gede”, described below)

GEDE

The second species is called “Gede”. They are former humans - not native to the Underworld. Unlike demons and angels, their appearances closely resemble how they appeared as humans, but it is a superficial resemblance. Their bodies are A LOT more durable than human bodies, to the point that the average Gede is a lot stronger than the average angel or demon; however, there are a lot fewer of them. Banshees outnumber Gede by a large margin. Both species are very strong because they are empowered by Baron and Maman’s magic.

The “Gede” are supposed to be similar to how the Gede are described in real life, but if it is offensive to call them “Gede” I would be fine with renaming them to “Undead”.

DEEPEST INSANE FANFICTION LORE, but as described here these are the conditions for joining the Gede:

You must have paid proper respect to Baron and Maman your entire human life.

You never sinned once* OR withstood all of Baron’s attempts to scare you without ever once feeling afraid

*STRICTEST IMAGINABLE definition of the word “sin” is used, including “sinful” thoughts and dreams.

For you see, the reason Baron likes to terrorize people with nightmares is because, well… it’s totally just because he likes scaring people. But it’s also a test to see which humans are worthy of joining his army. He doesn’t think anyone who got scared of him makes the cut.

On top of these conditions, they might deny someone entry just because they didn’t like that person, for some reason… for these reasons, there are very few people who ever got to join. Most of the people who join were en route to Heaven, so a lot decline. This pertains to why most of the Gede are Black, dark skinned, and LGBTQ… specifically those who were rejected by their families and don’t have loved ones in Heaven.

Everyone who joins the Gede is immediately forced to agree to have their hands cut off. Unless you never sinned once, Baron does not explain why. He just orders you to do this as the initiation ritual. If you don’t agree to this, you’re denied entry. But if you agree, the process is very painful but extremely quick. He cuts off your hands, but immediately replaces them with his and Maman’s magic. Maman’s magic is the most potent healing magic in existence, so the pain is over in an instant. The reason this process is so quick isn’t because Baron actually cares about your wellbeing (unless you never sinned…) it’s so that there is no loss of dexterity. Joining the Gede does mean you are joining his army, but for the most there really aren’t any wars… For the most part, you kinda just get to party, become really powerful, and don’t have to deal with the corruption in Heaven or Hell… it’s a pretty good deal! But you are forced to wear a top hat, because these two are dictators…

They also force humans to crossdress and act like the other gender for their own amusement. (I don’t know if this is legit but Maya Deren and Zora Neale Hurston described the actual deities doing this shit… absolutely diabolical…!)

Unlike the Banshees, the Gede can be of any gender identity. I was picturing a wide range of underrepresented gender identities and sexualities being shown, like “Ezili’s children” and masculine of center lesbians. Together with the Banshees, they form an army that is commanded by “Queen of the Damned” (described below)

If anyone was curious, the man shown here is actually a minor character in my fanfiction. He’s actually not representative of the typical Gede, as he’s supposed to be a tribute to Doctor John Montenee, but for what it’s worth his sexual orientation isn’t defined and is open to interpretation. Here’s a description for him: https://the-girl-who-didnt-smile.tumblr.com/post/757897862098124800/the-fate-of-the-preacher

QUEEN OF THE DAMNED

The commander of the Underworld army is called “Queen of the Damned”. She was loosely inspired by Gede Nibo, but she has been gender bent to be on the transfeminine spectrum. (at some point in the near future, I plan to write something about Gede Nibo and why I previously claimed that he is queer…) Actually, she was more inspired by the documentary Des hommes et Dieux / Of Men and Gods, where her appearance is loosely based on one of the interviewees (Innocente…I just liked her style). Although I’m using the pronoun “she” to refer to her, she’s nonbinary and uses any pronouns. I was picturing her being someone who has Haitian heritage but is part of the diaspora, since many of the characters in Hazbin Hotel are from various ethnic groups in America. For this reason, I think she would identify as both part of the M Community, and as transfeminine. Naturally, she is herself a houngan, and an extremely powerful one at that.

Aside from Alastor’s mother, this is the only other human who never sinned once. In her human life, she was rejected by her family, and died in a horrific act of violence. Because she was completely sinless, this is the second and final human in all of human history that Baron ever felt sorry for. He was keen on having her join him; she agreed, as she had no one waiting for her in Heaven, and felt comfortable around someone who is also transgender.

This is the third reason Baron defaults to a transgender avatar: In the millennia he’s existed, he’s observed that a disproportionate number of the people who die in unfair acts of violence are Black and transgender. On some level, his heart is moved by innocent people who die violent and cruel deaths; hence, he chooses a transgender form to make trans people feel comfortable in his presence.

Hilariously, Maman does not have this trait. Well, she’s actually not completely heartless…. Otherwise, it would have been impossible for her to find love. But she’s in love with the embodiment of Ruthlessness itself. For this reason, she has literally never once felt sorry for any innocent person who has ever died.

“Queen of the Damned” died in the most fucked up and unjust way ever, and yeah… Her heart was unmoved by this. She actually does care about “Queen of the Damned”, but she had to WARM UP to her after she died…!

Her boobs are awesome, and she’s the craziest person in all of existence…

This is basically my dream woman.

Baron and Maman are so OUTRAGEOUSLY overpowered, Baron can just one-shot this entire army in an instant, like it’s nothing…So can Maman, since her pink magic completely destroys their combat forms. I think they just made this army for their amusement, but it wound up becoming a gift for “Queen of the Damned”.

Queen of the Damned likes these two so much that she didn’t just cut off her hands - she cut off her nose and ears, and tattooed markings onto her body to make herself look like Baron. Out of all the Gede, she styles herself most like him. The doodle shows her combat form; in her non-combat form (not shown) she wears a top hat and has a heavy metal theme. She likes to play around with gender presentation, where she often mixes masculine and feminine elements. Additionally, the sword she wields changes shape, where the pink handle extends and the black blade shrinks. It turns into a magic staff with potent healing powers. Hence, Queen of the Damned is a very powerful combatant and a very powerful healer. She only has a fraction of Baron and Maman’s powers, but uniquely she can kill and heal.

Her combat form and name are both inspired by Aaliyah as Akasha… IT”S AN ASS KICKING UNDEAD VALKYRIE!!!! (she is also inspired by Marvel Valkyrie… this is just a rough draft though…) Basically, the Banshee army is a counterpart to the Exorcists, so she’s a counterpart to Adam. Only, she is for sure stronger than Adam. Her raw attack power is at least as strong as Adam, and she’s WAY smarter and more ruthless in a fight. She is extremely ruthless in a fight because she was personally trained by Baron. She’s also a very smart battle commander. Charlie would have to win over Maman AND Queen of the Damned in order to form an alliance with this army.

Because this is his favorite human ever, if she’s ever in mortal danger Baron appears out of nowhere and immediately kills her opponent. But it’s only if she’s in mortal danger (someone on the opposing force has to smart enough to capture her without attempting to kill her). Baron likes her so much that he would totally just kill anyone who inflicts any sort of harm on her, but she’s such a ruthless fighter she hates it whenever he gets involved. Hence, the compromise of him only intervening when she’s in mortal danger. He doesn’t give a shit about the rest of his army…everyone else can go fuck themselves

This is the other thing that can trigger Baron’s Berserk mode, other than Maman dying. In theory this should be impossible, but if Queen of the Damned somehow dies, he goes Berserk. This only happens if he isn’t fused with Maman; if he’s fused with her, her presence calms him down enough to halt the Berserk Mode (in other words, there are no conditions where you can BERSERK MODE DYAD… that would be the most broken thing ever!!)

(if you haven’t deduced this, all these ideas would get remixed and somehow reworked into the alternate concept. In the alternate concept, the Underworld has a Haitian gangster theme to it, but there’s still this zone that’s inspired by ballroom culture and they celebrate Fet Gede… I have an alternate concept for the Gede Nibo character called “Port au Prince”, which I plan to post soon…)

Also I forgot to mention this, but that’s not rum they’re drinking… it’s capsaicin extract. They just diluted it in ethanol (extracted from kleren, no substitutions) to make it look like rum.

They just do this to trick people into thinking it’s rum. This is a very weak drink for them.

#zero attempt was made to try to fit this into the art style of this show!#hazbin hotel ocs #hazbin hotel marineford arc is probably not happening but that could totally be something that happens in a spin-off that takes place after #the main series.... THINK IT OVER VIVIENNE!!!!!!!!!#the baron of death (hazbin hotel)#maman la vie (hazbin hotel)

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spacedewey · 5 months ago

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Tagged by @elvisqueso for 5 songs I've been listening to a lot lately. I'm still an album person, so these are songs representing records I've been really listening to, but let's see...

Mach-Hommy, "SUR LE PONT d'AVIGNON (Reparation #1)". From the prolific New Jersey/Haitian rapper's newest album, #RICHAXXHAITIAN.

HIPPOTRAKTOR, "Silver Tongue." From the progressive metal band's 2nd album, Stasis.

Swamp Dogg, "Ugly Man's Wife." From Swamp's collection of bluegrass songs, Blackgrass, his 4th album in a completely different genre in 6 years. 81 years old and still pushing his limits.

Kali Uchis featuring KAROL G, "Labios Mordidos," from her wide-ranging new album, ORQUÍDEAS.

Baby Rose & BADBADNOTGOOD, "On My Mind," from their incredible joint release, Slow Burn. Her voice is so singular, perfectly paired with their music.

I don't know, man, I'm all over the place, always. I don't feel like tagging anyone, but if you see this, feel free

#music #mach-hommy #hippotraktor #swamp dogg #kali uchis #baby rose #badbadnotgood

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bow-chicka-wow-wow-wow · 2 years ago

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Worst GTA Characters

1. Melvin “Big Smoke” Harris (San Andreas) - Let me get two number 9s, a number 9 large, and well, you know the rest. Oh, some Ballas. Nah, I can’t let this food go bad, let me just stuff my big fat fucking face. Oh by the way, I’m actually allied with the Ballas, and I’ve betrayed my childhood friends. I meant to have Sweet killed, but I ended up accidentally having his mother killed. Smoke is an opportunist, and was always out for himself. Fun fact, when he says “If you can eat your food, while everybody else is losing theirs, and blaming you, you straight,” he actually meant if you can profit while everyone else is losing everything because of you, then you’re okay,” foreshadowing his own betrayal. Almost hurt me to have to kill him in the end, although his mentality is the surest path to hell. Well, that and 15 microdots and an ounce of mescaline. Also, he had no regrets. He saw an opportunity, and took it, no matter who he ended up hurting.

2. Frank Tenpenny (San Andreas) - When it comes to GTA baddies, Tenpenny is one of the worst. He builds a crack empire in order to extort money from, he convinces opportunist Smoke to be the head of said drug empire and ally himself with the Ballas, he orders a hit on Grove OG Sweet after Smoke fails to convince him to get into the drug trade, he murders Internal Affairs officer Ralph Pendlebury for threatening to leak corruption evidence, and he frames the murder on CJ, blackmailing him into cleaning up his mess. Officer Pulaski may be cruel and sadistic, but Tenpenny is much worse. He even has Officer Hernandez killed for snitching on him. Once CJ’s usefulness has come to an end, he orders Pulaski to kill him and Hernandez, resulting in Pulaski’s death. He even manages to avoid jail time, thanks to the would-be witness he orders CJ to kill, causing a city-wide riot. Thankfully, his erratic behavior in the end cost him his life. Fun fact, it’s actually possible that he left Pulaski to deal with CJ cause he knew CJ would end up killing him.

3. The Celebrinator (TBoGT) - Look, buddy, my boss is struggling to maintain two nightclubs, owes money to some dangerous monsters, and is $2 million in the hole for some diamonds that got stolen from him. I got enough problems without your tabloid journalism fake news bullshit! You know what, I’m just gonna throw you out of a helicopter! Oh, I guess I don’t want ANOTHER murder on my conscience, among literally thousands! Guess I’ll save you! Haha, you shit your pants! Guess you’ll never mess with me again!

4. Auntie Poulet (Vice City) - She only appears in three missions as a mission giver. When Tommy initiated a gang war between the Cubans and the Haitians, Tommy does some missions for Umberto Robina, and eventually gets contacted by Auntie Poulet, who drugs Tommy into taking the Haitians side of the war. Then after her mission thread, you’re no longer useful and the Haitians attack you on sight once you step into their turf, following Poulet’s phone call telling you you’re no longer welcome in Haitian territory. Wow, so you use me against my will only to dispose of me in the end?

5. Kent Paul (Vice City) - It’s always funny to watch him try his luck with the ladies, only to fail so spectacularly. This English man keeps his nose in places it shouldn’t be, but that does make him useful if you want to know something involving Vice City’s criminal underworld. And he’s managed two well known Scottish rock bands, Love Fist and Gurning Chimps. But the thing that breaks it with this particular character, is the fact that he can be as petty as Lance when he calls complaining about your lack of respect for him. I hope he too doesn’t sell me out to a rival Mafia family.

6. Brian Jeremy (TLAD) - Ever heard the phrase “Nobody Likes A Kiss-ass?” Clearly Brian hasn’t. He is constant brown-nosing Billy ever since the latter got out of rehab. The Alderney Chapter President of the Lost M.C. is always making the obviously wrong decisions, causing friction between himself and Johnny. And quite frankly, the rest of the chapter doesn’t seem to agree with his methods either, save for Brian. Even Billy finds his kiss-ass annoying, too! When Billy gets arrested, Brian forms a faction that are dumb enough to follow against Johnny, who has taken over as President. I NEVER let him live the mission “Bad Standing.” I make sure he’s halfway to hell.

7. Ray Bulgarin (GTA IV) - So you say your boss is a pain. If he is the head of a smuggling/traffic ring, and he loses his latest consignment in a ship that sinks, and blames you, and tries everything in his power to have you killed, then you have the wrong boss. Granted, in the original GTA IV, he only shows up twice. He makes a more prominent appearance in TBoGT, when he employs Luis, up until he finds out he and Tony were involved in the Diamonds Arc, which Bulgarin claims are his diamonds, then spends the rest of the game trying to have them killed. Word to the wise, stay away from this guy!

8. Zero (San Andreas) - Did you know that you do NOT have to complete his mission thread in order to complete the story mode? BECAUSE I DIDN’T!!! Fun fact, even his voice actor, David Cross, couldn’t stand hearing his voice in the mission “Supply Lines,” so you know this is an interesting entry! Also prior to the casino heist, he boasts to his rival Berkley about the upcoming robbery, which makes the heist more difficult than it needed to be. I laughed my ass off when CJ punches him in the face, knocking him out for his idiotic mistake! That’s for “Supply Lines,” you prick!

9. Beverly Felton (GTA V) - What’s Vinewood without the annoying paparazzi? Beverly is an overweight, obnoxious paparazzo who tasks Franklin with helping him harass various stars around the Vinewood area. When he tasks Franklin to take some photos on his own, Franklin returns and demands his payment, only to be blown off cause they’re shooting a reality show. Oh God, if only I had a rocket lau- OH WAIT I DO! Yeah I kill that obnoxious prick for being, well, an obnoxious prick!

10. Tonya Wiggins (GTA V) - Good ol’ GTA. You get to steal cars, rob stores, get as many cops to kill you as you can, and… tow cars? I’m sorry, TOW cars? Yep, GTA V adds the ability to do yoga, go to therapy, and the mundane task of towing cars. Thanks to a potentially old flame/crackhead Tonya, whose boyfriend works at a towing company. By “works” I mean sitting on his ass and smoking crack. In order to keep his job, I get guilt-tripped by Tonya to do his job for him for nothing. And what’s worse, her first mission is actually required to progress the story, despite being a Strangers and Freaks mission. Good news is her other missions aren’t required, and spoiler alert, they’re literally the exact same thing.

11. Isiah Friedlander (GTA V) - I got some problems. I’m stealing cars, running over pedestrians, killing cops, causing chaos. I need some professional help. By “help,” I mean someone to complain to while he just takes my money, overcharges more for each subsequent session, just checks his watch, and not even listen to me? What, not even my therapist cares about me? What do I pay you for?? Well, you got a nice car, I’ll just steal it. Asshole. Also, do the world a favor. After your last session with him, and he reveals that he has written all your sessions in a book that has been published, kill that prick!

12. Catalina (San Andreas and GTA III) - Do you have a psycho girlfriend? Why is she psycho? Does she go berserk when you rob the countryside with her? Does she force you to have awkward, BDSM sex with her? Does she dump you for some mute with absolutely no personality? Does she shoot you during a robbery and leave you for dead? Wow, you ARE dating a psycho! Run, while you still can! Catalina is without a doubt the most evil character in the entire 3D universe. She’s that universe’s version of Dimitri Rascalov, screwing people over to benefit herself. It’s likely she’d betray the Cartel too, if Claude hadn’t killed her and taken his revenge. Thank God my girlfriend isn’t like that!

13. Karen “Michelle” Daniels (GTA IV) - What do you do when your girlfriend turns out to be a narc? You put her on a list of GTA characters you hate, obviously! Introduced as “Michelle,” she was there to introduce players to the revamped “dating” mechanic that was previously in San Andreas, and this version is actually part of the “friends” mechanic. You know, the “let’s go bowling” everyone absolutely loves! Other than 4 mission appearances, she does little to nothing to the plot, except in her betrayal, when she reveals she’s an agent for the IAA, and her boss forces you to take down links to terrorism and threats to homeland security, in exchange for not having 100 murders pinned on you, and helping find the man who betrayed your unit. So, in a way, I think I should thank Karen for entrapping me in her honeypot operation.

14. Trey “Playboy X” Stewart (GTA IV) - Scumbag. Just an absolute scumbag. He stopped caring about his former friend/mentor Dwayne, and wanted to kill him after the latter has Niko kill the gangsters managing the Triangle gentleman’s club, a club Dwayne ran before his incarceration. When you get the choice to kill either Dwayne or Playboy, and you kill Dwayne, not only does the game let you know in a sad way you picked the wrong choice, but you’re everything that’s wrong with this world and I wonder how you sleep at night! I kill Playboy because not only do I (and Niko) sympathize with Dwayne, but I get his penthouse apartment and the classic Claude outfit!

15. Lance “Ryder” Wilson (San Andreas) - Could it be possible that Ryder calls you a buster because he himself is a buster? Also, what are your thoughts about the possibility that Ryder wasn’t originally meant to betray you? It still doesn’t detract from the fact that he seems to hold CJ in the most contempt out of everyone in Grove. Sure, Sweet was none too happy to see you again, but Ryder just can’t pass up every chance to call CJ a buster and comment on his “shitty” driving skills, which is obviously a meta joke referencing the chaotic way ALL GTA players drive (except yours truly). The only thing that shocked me when Ryder betrayed Grove was the fact that there was not even a mention of him, just Smoke! Still, I can’t help but feel his death was well earned for the way he’s always treated me!

16. Amanda De Santa (GTA V) - What do you do when you’re trapped in an unhappy marriage and divorce is just not an option? You cheat on your husband with literally EVERY man you come in contact with! In her defense, yes, Michael is by zero means a good husband or father, and she was faithful to him till she caught him cheating on her with a stripper. The thing I hate most about her is forcing me to do yoga in GTA. I play this game to cause chaos, not to seek enlightenment! Honestly, the De Santas’ marriage is like Walter and Skyler White’s marriage on steroids.

17. Devin Weston (GTA V) - Not all rich people are bad, right?! RIGHT?! Devin is the billionaire contact for the corrupt FIB division Michael, Franklin, and Trevor are forced to work for. He has Michael work with movie producer Solomon Richards on his latest film, and has Franklin in charge of an operation to steal five exotic vehicles. Things don’t work out well for our heroes though, as Devin cheats Franklin of his payment for the cars, and plans to cancel Michael’s movie production right before they finish, shut down the studio, tear it down, and redevelop it into condos after he gets a tax payout. Fortunately, the movie still happens, infuriating Devin. I don’t think he cares that Molly gets killed when Michael takes the film back, but he just doesn’t like that Michael made a fool of him. His death at the hands of all three protagonists was cathartic (yes, the “Deathwish” ending IS the canon ending!)

18. Simeon Yetarian (GTA V) - Somehow, Simeon found out that I’m making this list, and I’ve added him to it. You know what he said? He said I was a racist. Simeon runs a shady car dealership, where he gaslights his clients into buying his lucrative vehicles in his showroom, taking advantage of the fact that he’s Armenian and calling them a racist to get them to buy the cars at exorbitant interest rates that are nigh impossible to pay in full. When they inevitably default on their payments, he has his employees Franklin and Lamar repossess them. I’m glad Michael beat the ever-living shit out of him when he targeted his son Jimmy in one of his schemes. Call that karmic retribution. It does get Franklin and Lamar fired though, but maybe it’s for the best.

19. Jeffery “OG Loc” Cross (San Andreas) - You know that one kid in high school you just can’t stand cause he’s an annoying poser? Yep, that’s Jeffery. Oh sorry, “OG Loc!” This wannabe gangsta rapper gets himself thrown in jail just for minor misdemeanors just to help his career, which only skyrocketed because he stole Madd Dogg’s rhyme book, quite simply because he is absolutely awful at rapping. And his voice… I honestly wanna put a cheese grater to my eardrums. And you know you’re perpetrating when you gotta call yourself “OG Loc,” and you just gotta say you’re “gangsta,” just to drive your point. This character is absolutely unlikable in every way imaginable.

20. Manuel Escuela (GTA IV) - “The streets, man!” Manny is one of the most, if not the most, annoying characters IN GTA IV. Literally every sentence he utters the words “the streets,” and “man!” He even claims to have been one of the inventors of hip hop before it went commercial. His crusade is to “help clean the streets,” including busting and killing drug dealers (or hiring Niko to do so and take the credit). I was honestly both shocked and relieved when Elizabeta Torres shot and killed him when he harassed her for dealing drugs. But, he gets his organs harvested in the black market, so I guess he finally gets to help the streets after all!

21. Eddie Pulaski (San Andreas) - The instant I met this prick in the beginning of the game, I already looked forward to the moment you get to kill him. An officer of the corrupt C.R.A.S.H. division, and Tenpenny’s right hand man, Pulaski is cruel, sadistic, and racist. He carries out Tenpenny’s orders with little to no hesitation, and constantly taunts CJ. Right before CJ finally does him in, he smugly requests to have sex with CJ’s sister. Pulaski, you were a scumbag to the end.

22. Vladimir Glebov (GTA IV) - Ever played any game at all, and you come across one certain character, and say to yourself, “Can’t wait till I inevitably kill this prick?” That’s Vlad to a T. He’s rude, obnoxious, and inconsiderate. He always boasts about his “powerful friends,” being a debt collector for the Faustin Bratva. The straw that broke the camel’s back was him boasting about his affair with Roman’s girlfriend, Mallorie. After Niko kills him, Mikhail Faustin, despite not being particularly pleased that Niko killed one of his men, nevertheless despised the idiotic Vlad. He only kept him around because Faustin had sex with Vlad’s sister. So much for your powerful “friends.”

23. Maria Latore (GTA III) - Look up the phrase “gold digger.” Chances are you’ll end up with a picture of her. Maria is the trophy wife of Salvatore Leone, and it’s obvious they do not love each other at all. Maria only married him because he’s a rich and powerful Don of a Mafia Family. She’s also the reason Claude becomes a marked man for the Leone Family. She told a paranoid Salvatore that she and Claude were having an affair just to spite him. Honestly, if I were Claude, the moment she got kidnapped by the Cartel, I’d just let her die instead of paying $500,000 to my ex-girlfriend.

24. Bruce “Brucie” Kibbutz (GTA IV) - Business entrepreneur, “alpha male,” and steroid junkie, Brucie is the one guy you’d see at the gym that’s very obnoxious about his workout. His mission thread involves you killing some people just because he’s suffering from ‘roid rage. He one of the characters that can call you every five minutes outside of missions, a mechanic that most GTA players hate. Honestly, Brucie, I’d much rather be hanging out with Little Jacob. In TBoGT, his brother, Mori, is MUCH worse!

25. Roman Bellic (GTA IV) - “Cousin, let’s go bowling!” The thing that breaks it for most gamers is the infamous phone call seemingly every 5 minutes when you linger too long outside of missions. Roman also has a gambling problem that has constantly gotten himself and his cousin Niko into trouble. In the end of the game, you can be a real asshole and take the deal ending and get Roman killed at his wedding!

#big smoke #san andreas #gta tbogt #vice city #gta tlad #gta iv #zero #gta v #catalina #gta iii #ryder #amanda de santa #devin weston #og loc #maria latore #brucie kibbutz #roman bellic

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