#never stop trying new things

[howlinchickhowl]

so I logged on last night while the emotions were high and I got very overwhelmed and couldn't join in and I don't know why but I need everyone to know I love them and I love these idiots and I am constantly amazed at all of the talent and hard work everyone puts into their gifs and their art and the incredible depth that goes into the headcanons and thoughts that are inspired by those works of art and basically, you all are so special and I know we all know how lucky we are to have created this space together but sometimes you just gotta stand back and marvel at it anyway. Yaknow?

[maeamian]

Becoming deeply radicalized against the idea of crewed Mars missions, y'know how the Rovers keep sending back better and better data what if instead of that we made an even bigger one and devoted nearly 90% of its capacity to holding a guy in a bubble on top of it instead of sending back useful data, but wait! They'll eliminate like a half hour of latency and also almost certainly contaminate the landing site and possibly the entire planet, so it's not all downside.

[fischiee]

someone tell me why every yorkalina fic explains away the lighter thing as york being a smoker and carolina tries to convince him to stop by taking/being given his lighter...

you're really going to tell me the girl thats hardened by war at 24, has the world's most damaging relationship with her father, and has an addictive obsessive personality ISN'T a smoker like come on...

[iraprince]

Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow

hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.

like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.

anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better

[dykedvonte]

why do you hate Joshua Graham or Honest Hearts so much?

This DLC and character represents a bigger issue with fandom spaces I have but particularly fallout fandom in general.

Fallout tends to tackle a lot of topics controversial and not. The first two games it’s heavy cause they are the most satirical and direct with how anti-war, nationalism and etc… they are. 3 loses this as it’s very clear once you play or learn about all the games that Todd and a bunch of guys at Bethesda just liked the 50s post apocalyptic aesthetic and refuse to actually critique the ideals of the time period like the earlier titles.

New Vegas is the game that really gets back into it a degree it almost seems like it’s taking too much on. There are things done exceedingly well while other things are done horribly wrong . I’ve made posts about it before and plan to make a big series of posts (it’s a lot of writing) but my biggest gripe is with Honest Hearts and all the gross and white savior esque depictions it has of indigenous peoples. The entirety if FNV does not do the injustices faced by indigenous people correctly on any count. My two biggest complaints are with the Khans and the tribes in Zion but I’ll talk about the former on a different post.

Both characters of Daniel and Joshua are the most accurate depiction of white saviors I’ve seen and I hate how the DLC tries to justify and defend them. The DLC treats Joshua like this man who has repented for his past actions when he is just retracing his steps after his cruelty bit him in the ass. He was one of the worst parts of the Legion and it is all but explicitly stated that if you don’t force him to be non-violent he will turn the tribes of Zion into the legion 2.0. The Dead Horses and the Sorrows are horribly infantilized by both Daniel and Joshua who both use them for self serving purposes guised by religious duty. The White Legs are the horrible stereotype of violent and savage indigenous and I personally think a lot of their interlinking with Ulysses, his hair and Ulysses character in general are distasteful and very telling of how BIPOC or POC where involved.

But outside of the game it’s the weird obsession people have with these characters ideologies and trying to make them seem more interesting/philosophical than they are. Tumblr is an echo chamber and many fans of Fallout are not the people on this site. Many people are not educated in the issues these characters convey and how poorly they do or used these characters as a poor introduction for their takes. Contrary to what a lot of people believe in, fallout has a prediomeny white cis male fanbase. More importantly a large portion of the fanbase is white.

You can joke how FNV made you trans or see the numbers on post/fics or diverse headcanons but these are kiddy numbers compared to the millions that consume the franchise and aren’t in those more aware spaces or don’t engage in the spaces the same way someone like me does/has to. Their views shape a lot more than people realize and it’s exhausting to be in a space where people don’t correct the more subtle yet toxic aspects of it but also adopt them into some weird quirky view point on the characters or issues. Some people don’t realize and some people don’t care.

My main issue is just the idolizing of these sort of thing in this fandom space and people try to acts like a game like fallout whose tagline is “War never changes” and has never had a game not revolve around political or militaristic factions issues isn’t that deep or doesn’t relate to real issues. I think it’s mainly caused by how over powered you can become and how you can strong arm your way past these learning moments as majority of people who play this game do play it as a power fantasy where they can do so as they please (which of course, go ahead it’s fun) but never take in parallels or lessons in the story as if it was just another first person shooter.

Also like another personal gripe is Cazadores spawn like hell whenever I’m there and I have not found a mod that works to mod them out so I have to play Indigenous Racism the DLC while getting jumped by giant wasps WHILE helping Mormons. Like I cannot catch a break.

[fwoopersongs]

On 33 elders and the Lan's Discipline Whip

This tumblr post by @qiu-yan the other day on moral luck in MDZS came past my dash, and there was a mention of the thirty three elders in the Lan Clan who were injured by Lan Wangji - some of you may remember it better as the reason for his thirty three whip scars xD. And I remembered reading (mostly on twitter) people saying things like he got whipped 33 times 'for going against his sect elders', or that the elders deserved it for acting unjustly. Maybe this was a CQL thing??? But I wanted to share my understanding of the situation from reading the novel.

For the record, elders here aren't like ‘Elders’ in the sense of people in positions of power within a clan i.e. 长老 as you might see in sects from more conventional Xianxia novels. Instead, its noun for ‘older generation’ i.e. 前辈 within the clan. 

So, here's a translation of Lan Xichen’s recount to Wei Wuxian of how Lan Wangji came to bear scars of thirty three strokes of the Lan Discipline Whip from Chapter 99/100, Discipline Whip Scars aka Hensheng: To Hate Life 3.

On Versions I’m comparing between two versions of the novel where the first chapter title is: {1} 魏无羡死了，大快人心! (lit: Wei Wuxian is dead, gratifying news for everyone!) & {2} 重生 (lit: Alive Again). The version I’m translating is {1} from the website Zhenhun using footnotes to compare it against {2}. Line breaks and other cosmetic or grammatical changes are ignored. References to chapter numbers and such will be based on {2} since this is the version used on the MDZS fandom Wiki. All chapter titles also are referenced from the wiki.

Wei Wuxian repeated, "Discipline Whip scarring?!" 

He grasped at Lan Xichen again and said, "Clan Leader Lan, I truly have no idea. Please, tell me. How did he get those injuries? Does it have something to do with me?!?”

Embittered anger surfaced on Lan Xichen’s face, "If it doesn’t ‘have anything to do with you’, did he perhaps scar himself for no particular reason at all?” [1]

Zewu-jun had always been restrained and composed to the utmost, but this was a matter which had impacted Lan Wangji and thus uncharacteristically, his anger was roused. Yet after observing Wei Wuxian's expression carefully, this anger receded slightly and he asked tentatively, "You… you've had some memory loss?"

"My memories?" Wei Wuxian said. He immediately tried hard to see if there was anything he could not recall, and then replied, "I don't think there’s any period of time which I don’t remem — yes!"

There was indeed one period during which his memories were blurred and indistinct.

The bloodbath at Nightless City!

On that night many years ago, he had believed Wen Qing and Wen Ning gone, their bones ground to dust and scattered by their enemies. On top of that, seeing the Great Clans on their impassioned, self-righteous warpath and witnessing Jiang Yanli die before his eyes, he finally utterly lost control. Combining the two halves of the Yin Tiger Tally, he unleashed it, allowing it to kill indiscriminately. The dead under the Tally’s power killed others, who then became new fierce corpses, creating an endless supply of massacring puppets which turned the place into a blood-soaked hell.

After that, [2] although Wei Wuxian could just barely manage to stay on his feet, he distantly felt himself leave this slaughterhouse of a ruined city. There was a long period in which he was not fully aware of anything. When he finally came back to himself, he had already been sitting in a daze at the foot of Yiling’s Knoll of Unmarked Graves [3] for a long time.

Lan Xichen asked, "Do you remember now?"

Wei Wuxian murmured, "That period at Nightless City? I… I’d always thought that I had wandered back in a daze, but..."

Lan Xichen was so angry he could have laughed, "Young Master Wei, How many enemies were you up against that night? It was three thousand! No matter how much of an unparalleled talent of this age you may be - withdrawing entirely unharmed under those circumstances? How could that be possible?"

Wei Wuxian asked, "Lan Zhan... what did Lan Zhan do?"

"What did Wangji do. If you don’t remember it yourself, I fear he will never tell you of his own accord, and you certainly won’t be asking [4]. Fine. Let me tell you." Lan Xichen said.

"Young Master Wei, on that night after you took out the two halves of the Yin Tiger Tally, merged them into one, and slaughtered to your heart's content, you were at the end of your strength. Wangji, having been injured by you in your madness, was in about the same state. He was only able to get to his feet by leaning on Bichen. Even so, the moment he saw you stumbling away, he immediately followed.

"There weren't many people left conscious at the scene. I was barely able to move and could only watch as Wangji, with his Spiritual Energy clearly almost depleted, limped laboriously in your wake, then grabbed and pulled you onto Bichen. The both of you flew off on the sword together.

“I only regained my Spiritual Energy two shicheng* later and hurried back to the Lan Clan in Gusu seeking support. I was worried that if people from the other families caught up to the both of you first, Wangji would be perceived as your accomplice. The best outcome of this would leave him with a stain on his name for life and a damaged reputation, the worst scenario would be him being dispatched without a chance to defend himself. And so along with my shufu, I gathered thirty-three elders who had always praised and thought highly of Wangji. Together, we spent two days as the sword flies secretly [5] searching. That was how we found traces of your trail within the borders of Yiling. Wangji had hidden you in a cave. When we arrived, you were sitting on a stone within the cave, dazed, while Wangji held your hand, transferring Spiritual Energy to you and speaking softly [6].

“And the whole time, you were only repeating one word at him.

“‘Scram!’”

Wei Wuxian’s throat was dry, his eyes red. He was unable to say a word. 

Lan Xichen continued, "My shufu appeared suddenly before him, giving him a scolding and asking him for an explanation. He seemed to have expected us to find him, yet he said there was nothing to explain, that this was just how it was. Since childhood and even after growing up, he had never been defiant toward our shufu and me [7]. But for you, Wangji not only talked back to shufu, he even turned his sword on the cultivation practitioners of the same origin, the same bloodline of the Gusu Lan Clan as himself, severely injuring [8] the thirty-three elders we had requested help from...

Wei Wuxian buried his hands in his hair, saying, "I... I didn’t know... I really..."

Besides repeating that he really didn't know, there was nothing else was able to say. 

Lan Xichen tried holding back for a moment, but went on to add, "Thirty-three Discipline Whip scars! All the strokes within one session, one for each person. You ought to know how painful that is, how long it takes to recover from it! [9], [Note] After willfully sending you back to the Knoll, Wangji returned, despondent, to receive his punishment. How long he knelt before the Wall of Discipline! When I went to see him, I said ‘Young Master Wei has already made a grave mistake. Why would you compound it?’ But he replied that he wasn’t able to judge if what you did was right or wrong, and regardless of that, he was willing to bear all the consequences with you. [10] Those few years he was said to have spent ‘reflecting on his mistakes before the Wall’ were, at their core, because his motion was limited by his injuries. And even so, after learning of your death, he forced himself in this condition to get up because no matter what, he had to go to the Knoll and see for himself…” [11]

*One shicheng is approximately equal to two hours.

[1] This part in italics isn’t in {2}. [2] Added in {2}: But after going through all of these, Wei Wuxian’s body and spirit had been seriously damaged. [3] He was at the foot of a small hill near the Knoll in the revised version.  [4] This part in italics isn’t in {2}. [5] In {2} Lan Xicheng and his uncle explicitly requested the elders to keep this a secret.  [6] In {2} Lan Wangji was asking him something. [7] In {2}, Lan Xichen only specifies that Lan Wangji has never talked back to his uncle, leaving himself out of the sentence. [8] In {2} Lan Xichen says they were severely injured, nearly fatally. [9] There’s a break in {2} with Wei Wuxian’s inner thought of ‘This, he knew.’ Reason being what I have in [Note]. [10] This part in italics isn’t in {2}. [11] This part in italics isn’t in {2}.

[Note] Per Chapter 11, The Elegant Flirt 1: Wei Wuxian has never been beaten with the Discipline Whip before, but he has seen its mark on Jiang Cheng. They’d tried all sorts of ways to make the scarring go away, but it was in vain. All clans use it for disciplining members who had committed grave wrongdoing. Later in Chapter 59, Sandu: The Three Poisons 4, we learn that Jiang Cheng was hit with it by Wen Chao who got his hands on the Jiang Clan Discipline Whip.

// a thought //

We just learnt that Lan Wangji had been injured by a berserk Wei Wuxian himself, was struggling to stand and nearly out of Spiritual Energy. Then he had to control Bichen to fly them both to Yiling, and at least at the moment they were found, was attempting to heal Wei Wuxian with the Spiritual Energy transfer. From Lan Xichen’s account, it took Lan Xichen four hours to recover somewhat and regain enough Spiritual Energy to go home for help. So let’s say Lan Wangji did take some time off from minding the catatonic Wei Wuxian to replenish his Spiritual Energy, he’s still not fighting them at a hundred percent. His elders from Gusu Lan had not participated in the fighting at Nightless City (uninjured), but they’d all been on their swords for two days, searching for Lan Wangji. Probably still in a much better form than him though. How was he able to injure them ‘severely’? 

(I think there are two options. One, Lan Wangji is just that good of a fighter. Two, his elders were holding back.)

[myenterpriseisparked]

Okay I understand where people are coming from with the "emotional suppression in Vulcans is learned not genetic" talk re: "Charades" but, consider......... the emotional suppression is muscle memory, and the aliens took away the mental muscles that remembered how to do it. It's a crude metaphor on my part, but that was the way I saw it.

Also consider: it's a sci fi show using extremely high-concept bullcrap science on a weekly basis and maybe nitpicking it is a fruitless endeavor because none of it is going to make sense otherwise and enjoying the ride for what it is is a much more enjoyable way to engage with this franchise. Sometimes you need to shrug and let dumb things happen and laugh.

[moeblob]

Amazing, take some of the side character demons from Evil Bound.

Vincie is a menace to Chuck and Chuck alone so in Hell, Chuck hexes his hand behind his back so that he isn't grabbed as much (and it's harder to pet him). Chuck is like the most irresponsible older sibling ever to demons though so Kelvin recruits him (as an older sibling vibe) to go help him get his ACTUAL older sibling from Earth. Chuck agrees. And then drags Vincie from Hell with them because no one else wants to babysit him and he refuses to unbind the hex just to re-hex when he returns to Hell.

In Hell, Kelvin actually doesn't appear much different than his human form! Like Kronos, the lines under his eyes are red in Hell but black on earth. Chuck however? In Hell he has wolf-ish ears and has a fur lining his neck (note the neck scars in human form). In addition to that he has four eyes in Hell (note the scars under his eyes in human form). Vincie just has horns in Hell. And! In Hell the hex doesn't have a silly looking "tied up" look, it's invisible unless Vincie strains it with movement and then its red text. But it shifts on earth to be visible.

Vincie's biggest agony for the entirety on earth is "dude it's colder here than in Hell I want a jacket to slip my arms into BUT I CANT BECAUSE IM BOUND".

[wormchaser]

you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.

i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.

[mildmayfoxe]

after my big bank fiasco (fraud) in the fall while i did reopen an account with that bank i basically stopped using it for anything other than paying my rent & just use my local bank for everything. so considering that i have used that card for ONE (1) thing locally (i checked my history) and to pay my taxes, with NO other entries online (not on my paypal, not on any purchases) tell me WHY i got a text message from this bank this morning telling me there was an attempted "card not present" purchase from BOSCOVS (fraud) and three notifications that my card was locked even though when i went to check it was unlocked. where the fuck did they even get the number! i got so tired of fraud with this bank that i'm just not even using it and they're still trying to buy stuff with my money?? did they get it from the IRS!!?? can you people fucking get your act together? over the years i've had to replace my card like four times because of fraud with this bank, not to mention having to make a whole new fucking account for the same reason. this is unbelievable

[crouton-moons]

Zionist.

saying don't fall for scams does not make someone a zionist. tumblr asks are NOT actual calls for aid!

i was just going to delete this ask like i do all scam asks, but i figured id post it just in case other people are getting similar things for... not being gullible? for trying to stop other people from being scammed and sending their money to scammers instead of actual palestinians?

many people in palestine obviously need aid. an obvious bot sending thousands of messages to thousands of people asking for "aid" will not help those people. they aren't from actual victims. they're from random people who are weaponizing the kindness of strangers to make a buck. falling for it helps absolutely no one. critical thinking is even MORE important in a time like this, stop falling for this obvious shit! they're just like the ai porn bots. they're used by the same exact people for the same exact reasons, getting money off those who are gullible. they're scumbags who are weaponizing peoples empathy to make a buck off a genocide. stop. falling. for. it.

they're trying to take advantage of you. they're assuming you're too stupid to think critically about who you think you're helping. stop proving them right.

there are thousands of actual ways to donate to those in need that aren't tumblr ask scams!

[toddtakefive]

btw todd’s reluctance to join the dps because he doesn’t want to read (which is then accommodated for) and is scared to put himself out there (which is also worked through) being read as todd not wanting to go AT ALL, and thus neil making the proper accommodations (“todd anderson, who prefers not to read, will keep the minutes of the meetings”) and encouraging him to step out of the box that stifles him being seen as ‘forceful’ or like he can’t take no for an answer makes me insane with rage

[chibishortdeath]

Mspaint is really fun actually—

[haven-flare]

Wanted to give my two cents on the whole wuwa character design. The person saying that having distinct facial feature is not aspiring or interesting needs to watch their wording especially towards POCs.

Most game always suffer from same face syndrome. This is mostly prominent with the females. No matter what a distinct a character looks like with their hair color or eyes. You plaster them on another character they practically identical. Genshin Impact and League of Legends suffer this big time.

Genshin Impact

(Link to where I got the first 4 images: https://m.hoyolab.com/#/article/11600510)

League of Legends

Besides their face ornaments you would believe these are all the same characters right? Nope! They are all different characters.

This is just for a skinline. When compared with the other female characters og skinline they still have all the same faces.

As far as I know the males have distinct facial features.

https://www.tumblr.com/freyito/751527973863178240/i-need-people-to-appreciate-calcharos-nose-bump?source=share

Same person has point out that Taoqi is a thicker than most of the female girls and I agree. Look at the comparison.

Small things like these make the game interesting and unique. Ethnic features and facial differences are important to everyone because it makes the character feel unique and we can relate them physical.

Not everyone is going to have the same eye shape, lips, nose, and mouth. But society excepts us to have the same feature and shuns/discriminates those who lack them or chose to embrace their features.

Which is why character creation games like Baldur's Gate, Elden Ring, Sims 4, and Cyberpunk allows players to adjust and modify their character to look like them so they won't feel like they need look a certain way.

Sorry for the rant. That post really trigger me.

First of all, thanks for sharing your thoughts. A rant it may be, but it was really interesting! Mainly because I didn't think about it from this angle before, but now that you mention it, it's so obvious :9

As a person of color myself, it is a little disheartening when non-white characters look the same but with a different shade of skin, lmao.

I don't play LoL, and haven't actually seen anything about it at all, so I hadn't seen this, though it doesn't surprise me. It's a common joke that women have less variety in their designs than men, and it gets pointed out a lot.

It's mostly modern anime poisoning or something, it's in the water I swear. Where it's just the same character but different colors and personality...

About the Genshin vs Wuwa thing, I agree that the comment of "faces" not being enough seems almost... insensitive? I don't know how to describe it, but I get it. They are so focused in the intricate clothing of Genshin and the large amount of accessories and at the same time disregard what actually matters when it comes to uniqueness, lol.

(In my eyes, clothing in character design, doesn't have to be incredibly decorated, it can be either way as long as it portrays accurately the character that's wearing them. So that whole argument is moot to me, since it's just a matter of stylistic choices and how you wish to portray an environment, etc, etc.)

Meanwhile, the fact that Genshin only uses like two bases for their characters feels like they've streamlined their design production to pull out 'bangers' each time. Just dressing up the same doll each time, changing out the wig and repainting their faces. I still like some designs from them, but it's clear they don't put much effort in the actual body of the character LMAO, they just let the fancy colors and accessories do the talking.

Anyways, hopefully we get more characters with more unique traits instead of some outfit change, both in Wuthering Waves, and in other franchises.

[kvetchinglyneurotic]

sometimes getting to the end of a fic is like making it to the top of the mountain where you see the sky inching closer and closer and at the end you stand there at the top and take it all in but then sometimes it's like getting to the end of a bus ride when you've been zoning out and then you glance at the sign like oh shit that's my stop

[cluescorner]

Long Post about Savage Opress because I am Normal

Savage Opress, you are everything.

You are at your strongest when you are fighting to protect the people you love. You had to participate in a battle royale and subjected yourself to a fate worse than death in order to protect your brother. You were forced to kill the brother you fought so hard to protect, your last words to him as he begged for his life were 'You make (me) weak'.

You are Frankenstein's monster, a kinslayer. You just have to live with that. Your mistress isn't giving you a choice in the matter.

You were placed under the control of a cruel master/mistress twice in the span of like a week. You were forced to betray your master and (under your mistress's orders) you killed two jedi, making you an enemy of the two most powerful entities in the galaxy. You made these enemies against your own will. You were lightning spammed and abused to the point that you were able to break free of your mistress's control.

You are then attacked by these two random jedi you have never met. They seem intent on bringing you in. They stand besides each other and fight to protect each other. You are reminded of how you did the same for your own brother. You killed that brother.

You run to the only home you've ever known, the same home that treated you as lesser-than and transformed you into what you are now. Your home is destroyed, all of your sisters are dead. You are upset by this. They were the cause of your suffering, but they were still kin.

You are told that you have a remaining brother, one who can make you strong enough to protect yourself. You decide to travel across the galaxy to find him. You killed your last brother, you will do anything for this one.

You seem to create trouble everywhere you are now. You are now incapable of solving problems without violence, so violence is what you become. You become hatred. You had love once, but everything that you loved is dead. Except for your remaining brother. You do whatever you must to find him.

You find your brother. Your brother is delirious and half-dead, but he is your brother and you found him. You can fix this. Your brother sees you too, or at least he sometimes does. You are a reflection of him, of what he was meant to be. You are strong and powerful. Your brother is not anymore, but he will be soon.

Your mother, the same woman who took you and warped you into a monster (that is what everybody calls you now), fixes your brother. Your brother grabs your face and twists it, painfully examining your every pore. You don't begrudge him this. You have done the same to it. Your face isn't yours, but it is the only face you have.

Your brother screams for vengeance against Kenobi, he must have revenge. You must stand by your brother, he is all that is left. You embark on a quest of vengeance against a man you only briefly met.

You become everything your brother needs you to be. You are his protector, his sword, his second-in-command. You have love again and you will do anything to keep it this time.

Your brother is a terrible person. Your brother will massacre a village for the sake of getting Kenobi's attention. Your living brother is nothing like the one you killed. You aren't sure this is a good thing.

Your brother lures Kenobi to the village and you both capture him. Your mistress shows up and immediately sets about belittling you. You are the monster she and your mother created. You are not her thrall anymore, you can fight her now. You do exactly that.

Your mistress and Kenobi retreat, your brother chooses to bide his time. You will wait with him.

Your brother and you infiltrate a ship, finding a fortune of credits. You are happy with this, you have never seen this much money in your life. Your brother's only fortune is the downfall of Kenobi.

Your brother calls you apprentice, decides that is what your relationship is now. You don't see the need for dominance, you are brothers after all. Your brother disagrees and you will subject yourself to this for your brother's sake. You are a reflection of him, of all his past flaws. You are devoted to those you love and able to feel things other than vindictive glee or hatred. Your brother is not anymore, he might never be again.

You think your brother is incapable of love. You love him all the same.

You and your brother next run into Kenobi with another Jedi Master. You do not know her name nor anything about her. You kill her, goring her with your (far larger than they should be) horns and running her through with your lightsaber. Your master is not forcing your hand this time, you can finally choose to make an enemy of the Jedi. You would have been their enemy either way, but the false choice is comforting regardless.

You and your brother corner Kenobi. You think for a moment that you have gotten the upper-hand, then Kenobi cuts your arm off. Your body leaks green magic. Your mother's magic still holds power over you even after everything. You wish it didn't.

Your brother shoves Kenobi away from you and decides to retreat. You aren't sure if this is a sign of affection towards you or if this is a strategic move. Your brother speaks as if it's the latter. You see no reason to believe otherwise.

You manage to escape, but are left adrift in space. You are freezing and slowly running out of oxygen. Your home was warm and full of breatheable air. You are alone with only a brother who calls you 'apprentice' for company. Your home was filled with brothers who called you by your name or by 'brother'. You are alive. Your home and brothers are dead.

You next wake up in an unfamiliar place. You smash all the equipment around you. You are now incapable of solving problems without violence, so violence is what you have become. Your brother informs you that his plans have changed, and now you two will be working with Deathwatch. You have no idea what Deathwatch is or who your brother just made a deal with. You will follow him regardless.

You stand up and hit your head on the lamp above you. You were supposed to be shorter than you are now. Your body is wrong. You look in the mirror and you are not yourself. Your body isn't yours, but it is the only body you have.

Your brother takes over Mandalore. You watch as your brother marches Kenobi into the throne room and prepares to execute the Duchess of this planet.

Kenobi offers sympathy. Kenobi recognizes that your brother never had a choice in joining the dark side. Kenobi had gone to your village and seen what it is like for the nightbrothers. Kenobi, despite everything, is trying to be kind.

You hear your story in Kenobi's words. You never had a choice in any of this. You never stood a chance. Your body isn't yours, your mind has been warped and twisted into serving the goals of another. You only wanted to protect your brother.

Your brother kills the love of Kenobi's life. Your brother has stripped himself and you of any possible chance to take the olive branch Kenobi was extending. You ask if you should kill Kenobi now. You know that stewing in grief and guilt can be a terrible fate. Your brother decides to keep him imprisoned. Your brother is counting on the Kenobi stewing in his grief and guilt. Your brother wants to drag out his suffering for as long as possible.

Your brother is in charge for less than a rotation. Your brother panics and bows before a withered old man, calling him 'master'. Your brother lies and fawns to his master. Your brother's master does not care.

You have never met this man before. You have no reason to fight him. Your brother is terrified of him. Your brother grovels before nobody, but he bows before this man. You don't have to do this.

Your brother needs you. You draw your weapon.

You manage to get a hit in on your brother's master. You are one of very few in the galaxy who can say that. You are at your strongest when you are fighting to protect the people you love.

You are stabbed in both your hearts. Your efforts to protect your brother, your pain and suffering, your love and affection, you, Savage Opress, you don't matter. You didn't know it, but you were fighting the most powerful being in the galaxy.

You never had a choice. You never stood a chance.

You die thinking you were unworthy of your brother. Your brother never said or did anything to make you think otherwise. You die calling yourself apprentice, that is the relationship your brother wanted. Your brother holds your hand as you die, it is trembling. You aren't sure if it is from grief or hatred. You decide it must be the latter. Your brother is only capable of hatred.

You knew your brother was incapable of love. You loved him all the same.

You don't know that you might have been the only thing your brother cared about besides his vengeance. You don't know that when you are unconcious he calls you by your name, he calls you brother. You don't know that he nearly killed the Death Watch soldiers, but stopped when they threatened you. You couldn't know. Your brother never told you.

You don't know that he uses his grief as fuel for his duel with Sidious. You don't know that he switches his ire away from Kenobi and decides that his former master is a more pressing target of his hatred You don't know that he spends the rest of his days trying to find a new apprentice to fill the hole you left and that it never works. You will never know. You are dead.

You died realizing you were nothing like your brother. You never were. Your body shrinks down, you finally look like yourself again. You can't be happy about this. You can't take relief in the fact that all the magic which ruined your life has been dispelled. You can't feel anything. You are dead.

You are right. You are nothing like Darth Maul. Your brother is motivated by hatred, you are motivated by love. Your brother will die having found peace, you died having found nothing but pain and grief and yet more pain.

You are my favorite magical girl and you have suffered so much more than Jesus.