#never forget he wrote that prank script…

[charmac]

i think Charlie day being a part of writting so many episodes of season 17 is a good sign for Macdennis.

1 bcuz hes always been a macdennis truther. and 2 for revenge he can get payback on Rob and Glenn for finding it funny to put him in situations they know he really hates and tried to get out of bc hes so touch adverse like kissing Kaitlin or that ski episode scene.

He’s gotta reverse uno on Rob and Glenn for wanting an uncomfortably long 15 minute Chardee hook up

[a-sad-mage]

Shane Gang Head Cannons because brain rot

[Feel free to add]

Eli never got his GED(obviously he was 15 when he took the Drop)

But this also translates to Slugterra as well seeing as how no one makes much of a fuss about the Shane being a 15 year old kid who probably should be in school

Between the Episodes "The World Beneath our feet(1&2)" and "Shadows & Light", Kord, Trixie and Pronto pick up on the fact Eli, despite being Will Shane's son, dose not know a whole lot about Slugterra.

more accurately, certain little things most kids around Eli's age learn real early, like The Slug Run, how tricky it is to trap slugs, that in tournaments you lose a slug if you lose, Blakk and the SlugTarran Express and a hand full more, are not common knowledge to the young Shane. Because anyone with access to the SlugNet and a TV should know these things

However after "Shadows & Light" when Eli says he was home sick on the lesson about Slug energy being the key to a Caverns survival, and Bullseye being the center of Slugterra, the team realizes their resident Shane did not in fact receive standard education

this is because those are simple, easy things that are recapped, like every school year in Slugterra's education system set up

This then prompts the gang covertly asking Eli questions about stuff, seeing if he's right or wrong, and then correcting him

to take it a step further, for educational slugisodes, Trixie asks Eli to do the research/help write the script

no one blames him, because Eli was probably homeschooled by his dad,

but even then, The Will Shane forgetting to each his son something as important as Slug energy's connection to the Caverns put a tiny little crack in their perception of the man

Kord is the one who teaches Eli how to shave

Eli has a small privet cry over that

The guy's have had to physically restrain Trixie from punching/shooting a Slug at people(mostly sexist men), on more than one occasion

They let her do it once because that one particular guy had it coming

Pronto is the best cook, his Cave Crawler special is just something his mom used to make and he loves it, and wants to share that with his friends :)

Eli keeps the letter his dad wrote on him at all times, and when he's feeling anxious he reads it.

every one has read the letter, by accident and Eli has no clue

Pronto has tried to get the others hooked on "Kisses from a Hoverbug" Kord is the only one interested

Kord has drunk motor oil, twice, once to know what it tastes like, and once on a dare

Trixie, as the only girl on the team, get's priority when it comes to the bathroom

Eli has eaten slug food, twice, once to know what it tastes like, and once on a dare

Eli hums songs from the surface sometimes

Kord has more than one helmet, just in case

Pronto has a comical amounts of bandanas and neck scarfs, to the point he could pull off the endless scarf gag most magicians do

Trixie dared Eli to eat slug food or be called a cowered

Since Pronto sleep walks: each member of the Team has gotten up in the middle of the night for something, is at first perturbed by it, but by the third/fifth time, the use it as prime prank opportunity

Trixie dared Kord to drink motor oil or be called a cowered

Eli is banned from certain searches on the SlugNet

not for anything he did, the team just want him to stay ignorant to certain things, like thirst traps of his dad, and Will Shane x Thaddius Blakk fanfic his devices literally have parental locks just to make sure

^ this is referring to a post I saw about there being thirst traps of Will Shane, and crack theory's, like Eli actually being Blakk's son having a lil' rebellious phase on the SlugNet + some other stuff. I don't remember who made the post, but if your reading this, it lives rent free in my head, and I love you (platonically)

Over the course their friendship, before the events of 'A Distant Shore' the team has bets on what Cavern Eli is actually from because they do not buy the "Oh uh I was raised in a secret Cavern" excuse the more they get to know Eli Shane.

Hero worship be damned Trixie will punch Will Shane

If he's feeling sad, Eli wares the hoodie he was wearing when he fist took the drop

he wears it for three days following the events of "The New Kid"

^ The hoodie thing takes inspiration from a fic I read, I can't find it rn but if i do ill link it.

After the events of 'A Distant Shore' and learning the Burning World is, in fact real, Trixie, Kord and Pronto wonder what other myths might be true

Eli has a silent freakout in "The New Kid' because of Twist's Slug's name being Loki, like the Norse god of tricks. how and why?

Kord has been wanting to make jetpacks since he was a kid

The Mecha, Mecha Beast the team built in 'Roboslugs' reminded Eli of a Megazord from Power Rangers, and it took everything not to quote PR

Pronto likes to garden

the slugs like to eat whatever is in Pronto's garden

Pronto has 'successfully navigated the Caverns of Time, not once but TWICE' in his bio of all platforms he's on.

There is a tally on how many fire's Eli and Burpy start

Its currently in the triple digits

They have a 'days without incident' sign

the record is 2 days

[hybrid-in-progress]

jarpad24 - Hi Bestie, could you write me a J2 X Reader where the reader is a young actress and she wears herself down by working too hard, and she becomes completely exhausted. The boys tell her to take it easy but she wont and collapses. J2 take care of her, letting her rest. 😊

I’ve never written anything like this before, hopefully it’s what you imagined and not off-the-rails-garbage! And hopefully I wrote J2 well 

p.s. Just a warning to anyone, I don’t take requests or anything because I'm crap at keeping a schedule and my memory is like quicksand (seriously, you could tell me something and I’d instantly forget everything a minute later, it’s a real problem) so I don’t want to forget to write and disappoint people :( sorry if this sounded rude.

tagging - @jarpad24 

warnings - a little angst?; exhausted reader; mentions of mean people on the internet; prop knife mention; brief fight description; reader gets kicked and falls into a table; Reader passes out; J2 being sweethearts and taking care of reader; food mention; fluff - please let me know if I missed any warnings and I’ll add them :)

you had been working on the tv show Supernatural for three years now

having joined the SPNFamily to play the role of a Wayward Sister

the fans fell in love with you and your character, and you fell in love with the job and the community

but then one day while looking through social media, you stumbled upon a negative review 

despite the huge amount of positive feedback you’d gotten, this one review hit you hard

Jared told you not to focus on it and let it consume you

Jensen said the same

Misha immediately tried distracting you by proposing a prank war on J2

all hell broke loose after the war was initiated

like, for real, it was pure carnage

someone became temporarily blind after being hit in the face with a pie type of carnage

but even with the prank war, work had to be done

and you were working your arse off double time

no scene that you did felt good enough

you were constantly spotting flaws in your acting

“The take was brilliant-”

“-No, I’m not standing straight enough. Let’s do another one,”

“Y/N, it’s fine, honestly.”

“I’m holding the knife in the wrong hand, my character’s left handed not right!”

your brain was working overtime with every scene

were you standing in the right place?

were holding props correctly?

were you saying every word clearly enough?

the boys took notice of your new workaholic attitude and decided to talk to you about it

but you would barely give them five minutes

there was always something that had to be done

memorise the script? 

no harm in looking at it for the twenty-eighth time that day

rehearse stunts? 

the bruise on your shoulder hardly hurt anymore, you could do another one

lunch break?

nah, you’ll just grab a sandwich on your way to make-up

you could only push yourself so far, however

one day while practising the choreography for a fight scene you dodge too late

the boot of the stunt man hits you in the stomach and you’re sent flying backwards

you fall into a table and then to the floor

your not badly hurt, but your whole body is screaming with exhaustion

“Y/N! Y/N are you ok?!”

“Are you hurt!?”

J2 are by your side in an instant helping you to your wobbly legs

your hip is killing you from where you whacked it on the table

the stunt man is blubbering apologies

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” you say, “I’m fine,”

you're not fine

the second you try to take a step forward your body just straight up refuses to function

the definition of ‘ight, I’mma head out’

your exhaustion finally gets the better of you and you collapse in either Jared or Jensen’s arms, you can’t tell which

when you wake up you’re in your trailer lying on the sofa

Jared is sitting at the table opposite looking at his phone

“Jar’?”

he snaps his head up when you speak and comes over, kneeling next to the sofa

he’s still a freaking giant even kneeling next to you

“How’re you feeling, kiddo?”

“Like I weigh as much as the amount of food you eat,”

he laughs just as the trailer door opens

“Speaking of food,”

Jensen enters with packs of food stacked in his hands

the smell makes your stomach growl

“Hey there, sleepy head,” Jensen says, “hungry?”

“Starving,” you admit.

The boys fill you in on what happened as you eat

neither of them comment on how you all but wolf your food down

no one could blame you, you hadn’t let yourself eat properly in ages

filming has been cancelled for the rest of the day

which means you have plenty of time to rest and look after yourself

you couldn’t get out of it even if you wanted, though

Jared and Jensen insist of staying by your side

they make sure you eat and drink, even going as far as offering you their own food when you finish yours

they don’t let you do anything or go anywhere (besides the bathroom, obviously)

seriously, they turn into your butlers for the day by their own free will

even despite your protests, they continue to tend to you, hand and foot

“You’ve been working your ass off for the past week, you need to rest,”

“Don’t worry ‘bout anything, just get some shut eye,”

“God, Moms, leave me alone,”

eventually, you give into their mollycoddling 

you get yourself comfortable on the sofa and bury your head into the pillow you’ve been (forcefully) given

“Thanks, guys,”

you’re fast asleep mere seconds after closing your eyes

[nem0-kn0ws-n0t]

Hello! Just a little fic i wrote for an April Fools event a while back! HCBBS and Cleo themed <3 Also on ao3 if yall prefer that way! I'd love to hear y'alls opinions!~

“ZombieCleo~.”

Dark eyes looked up from her small notebook of ideas as the figure landed next to her. She quirked an eyebrow, a small smile teasingly on her lips.

“Keralis~” She shot back with the same tone, standing up from her hooded bench to stand next to the wide-eyed brunet. They held each other’s stare for a bit, expressions frozen in a silent eye contest. Of course, it ended when a gust of wind ruffled the palm tree above their head, letting a single leaf float down and land on Keralis’s nose. His eyes widened even bigger (somehow) before he let out a powerful sneeze, sending the leaf flying into the air and the two of them into a fit of giggles.

Soon enough, Keralis is pulling her around his-her base. Her's now; she reminded him, they swapped them. Keralis pretended to sob at the comments, only pulling out more cackles from her.

Yes, she muses while watching her friend sulk in her new diamond office; this will be great.

~~

The transition was delicate, all things considered. Cleo loved her new base, from the skyscrapers that disappeared in the clouds to the bank tellers to the palm trees. The city was a magnificent piece of modern architecture, and Keralis had done a fantastic job building it from scratch.

It was, however, empty.

Not a single soul in the streets, milling around. No children on the benches or clerks in the stores or anything, really. But that’s alright. Bringing life to a place is Cleo’s bread and butter, after all. A simple spin of parts and spells read off a book, and suddenly life-like beings were created.

It made the otherwise deserted place feel more lively, more homely even. And so she threw herself into her work, creating human-like mirages in every spot she could. It worked, to a degree. The city was much more lively than before, the sound of humanity milling around comforting.

(She does wonder, sometimes, while laying in bed at night, unable to sleep, why it didn’t feel quite at home. Staring at the cyberpunk lights flicker in batches of three, she wonders why, exactly, the uncomfortable feeling she got when she first arrived is still there.

As sleep washes over her finally, she wonders mildly why all the lights in this place flash at the same time, in the same continuous pattern.)

~~

She got her answer eventually.

Many things were off-putting, to say the least, and so for a while before. If she’s honest with herself, she might have dismissed too many hints. But now, there’s no way to deny it.

Strange things were happening in Keralis’s City.

Every light in the city pulsing in beats of three were off-putting, to say the least, but Cleo squared her back and ignored them, dismissing it as lousy Redstone work.

The noise from her office ceiling that she could never quite identify or fix? She was just tired from planning out statues all day.

The constant feeling of eyes on her back was simply her imagination, just nerves to being in such a prominent unfamiliar place.

This, however? No dismissing it.

Cleo took great care in making realistic statues. She spent hours, sometimes days, making perfectly realistic mirages. She programmed every part of them to be fluid and human-like, scripting hand-picked lines and emotions. Her work was high quality because she poured a bit of what’s left of her heart into every scene.

This was not how she left them last time.

The mirage in front of her, a small lost child, was not confused nor scared nor any of the emotions Cleo had programmed into his behaviour. No, the child was staring at her with beady eyes, the brightest grin on his lips.

There was something off-putting in the smile, almost like his teeth weren’t supposed to be there. Too long for a child this age, too sharp, too white. The eyes were following her as she moved around, boring into her skull.

It would have been one thing if only one of the mirages was like this, maybe a prank or something.

No, every single statue had the same blank look on its face. From the bus drivers to the people loitering in the streets, they all had the same empty smile and teary eyes, following her as she walked down the streets. Well, more like ran, like a bat out of hell, trying to forget the stares on her back.

She finally took refuge in the Four Seasons Total Landscaping Hotel, ducking into a random floor, slumping against the walls.

What was that? What was that?

Reprogramming all those statues would have taken so long; she can’t fathom a single hermit having done that overnight.

Her breathing is hard, and she’s almost worried her lungs will detach themselves again, and so she shoves her head between her knees and starts counting slowly.

One, two, three, breath in, breath out.

It’s fine, it’s alright, it’s a nasty prank, that’s all.

Three, two, one, breath in, Breath out.

She can fix it; she’ll spend the next day reprogramming the mirages; it’s alright, she’ll find who did this, and she’ll give them the fear of a lifetime. It’s going to be okay.

With that final thought, she shakily got up, pulling her legs under her and using the wall as support.

She can fix this; she doesn’t have to deal with those expressions anymore. It’ll be fine.

When she finally manages to convince herself to go back outside into the populated streets, she almost falls over again.

The mirages were back to normal. The small child that started this whole mess was back to crying in a corner. The pedestrians were amicably chatting as they walked down the road. Even the store clerks were back to haggling with the shoppers.

Everything was exactly how it was before, no traces of soulless eyes and too sharp smiles.

But Cleo knows she saw them. She did not make that up; the foreboding sense of dread creeping up her spine reassured her of that. She stands, taken aback at the scene she made.

What’s going on?

(She thinks distinctively, maybe she doesn’t want to know, really.)

~~

It all snowballed from there.

Almost as if encouraged by her reaction, the changes were more significant and more daring.

She woke up one morning from a restless sleep to the sight of her home flipped around. It took her a while to realize, smacking into doors that weren’t usually there. Everything was exactly how it was, from the paintings to the flower pots, but simply mirrored on its axis. She could barely believe it, making a note to sleep somewhere else from now.

Another time, she was peacefully strolling around the city, planning out where to add more mirages to make her new home even more to her image, only to be stopped dead in her tracks by a pungent smell. A smell she knows intimately, and it didn’t take long for her to identify where the rot came from.

The bright wheat fields which Keralis had spent hours tediously working on and growing, was nothing but rotten stems left. Not a single trace of life left on those lands, not in the plants, nor the weeds, nor in the rats Cleo knows like to nibble on stalks. Faced with such destruction, she did the only thing she knew how to do and started plucking out the plants.

Cleo’s not one to scare easily, no. She simply rolls up her sleeves and fixes every problem she faces, from fields to buildings to armour stands.

What else is there to do?

~~

The final straw came faster than she expected. Cleo’s seen many things in her post-life after all, and there’s not much that spooks her anymore.

This, however, this, however, was too much.

She’s working in her office when it starts. There are some masks in front of her, half-formed and half painted. The simple repetitive movement is almost comforting in the face of everything that’s going on. A meditative moment, if you wish.

At least, it’d be peaceful if not for the shrill sound reaching her ears.

She pauses, paintbrush freezing mid-stroke, focusing on the sound. The silence that follows is palatable, and if she’d had a heart left, it’d be thundering in her ears.

And then it sounds again.

Is, is that a baby screaming?

It’s akin to an animal’s yowling, but the sound bounces of the diamond ceiling in a demonic way. It’s too long to be of an animal with lengthy, and it’s echoing in a way it shouldn’t be able to in the open-plan office, and it’s freaking Cleo out.

She takes a deep breath, slowly resting the paintbrush and the mask on the table before getting out of her chair, breath shallow. Infinitely slowly, she creeps out of the office, turning around to where the little grass roof rests. It sounds like it came from it from there; maybe she could-

It screeched again. This time, not from the bushes, no from her office, where she just was. Actually, it sounds like it came from behind her desktop chair. Where she just was.

Her back hits the white concrete in fear, a single hand clutching where her heart would be in leftover habits from a life gone by.

“It’s nothing; it’s your imagination,” she mutters to herself, too scared to try and pretend she doesn’t talk to herself. “It’s impossible, whatever it is, it can’t move that fa-”

It screeches again. This time, from right behind her, right on the other side of the wall, and right there and then, Cleo decides enough is enough.

Fear fuels her movement as she slips her elytra over her shoulders, grabs some rockets and flies away from this hellish city. Base Exchange be damned, she’s done with this place, and she wants to go home.

(And as she flies away, she overlooks the shadowy forms flickering in the skyline.

And as the zombie leaves, the city falls back into quiet, save for the light cackling of its true owners.

And as the cat leaves with her tail between her legs, the mice come back out to play.)

[twiceblackvelvet]

Iris

Pt.I

May 4th, 2022. 12:31 PM. Daegu.

The sweet smell of freshly cut grass and blooming flowers fill Joohyun’s nose as she breathes in the fresh air around her. The gentle reminders of her home have become a welcomed presence in the new life that began the day she stepped away from her position within Red Velvet. Every day surrounded by the wonderful nature haven she’s created for herself distracts her from thoughts of doubt or regret.

Most days are spent like this, tending to her little garden lined with the most beautiful flowers and their aromas. It’s not per se the civilian life she intended to have, but it’s the one she’s grateful for. People often recognize her, though, they refuse to speak and hurry along quickly once they realize that she knows they know who she is. No one asks questions despite them being on the tip of their tongue. The first few months were the worst, the staring being too intense and overwhelming. However, people have grown to respect her boundaries a little more as time has gone on. Now when they look, it’s a quick glance. 

After the disbandment, many people wondered why Irene had retired. Was it the pressure of the industry? Did she simply feel her time had ended? None of the theories being correct in that Joohyun wanted to feel like a normal human being once again and the way to do that was to say goodbye to being Irene. 

Her parents supported the decision to leave and move back to her hometown in a house close by their own. Their own days are a little brighter now that they’ve got her back with them to enjoy their days together instead of apart. Everything feels right, almost too comfortable.

The ground has been hard from the dry weather lately. The watering can suffocating from her tight grip offering the only relief for the Irises she and her mother recently planted. The purple hues they will offer by the time Autumn comes around is something Joohyun has been looking forward to since the day they found the bulbs at a small gardening market stall. 

“Those look pretty” A soft voice from beyond the gate speaks. Irene whips around to be greeted with the face of a stranger. “The flowers, that is. Although, you too Ire- I mean, Joohyun.” The man noticing her shift in expression at the use of her former stage name quickly decides upon using her birth name instead.

A crooked smile that would be unsettling if it weren’t for his eyes creasing in the corners along with it. Ruffled brown hair that’s too long for the soon to be summer weather that’s fast approaching. A suit covers his frame, though, a size too large for his small body. His nose is a little small for his face. Overall, he doesn’t appear threatening but his presence is confusing. Joohyun never has visitors.

“I’m sorry, do I know you?” Joohyun questions after the man offers no explanation himself. 

“No, sorry. I realize now that this is weird, I should go.” The strange man turns his body back toward the gate he’d only put one foot through, ready to leave faster than he arrived. His awkward stance almost garners a laugh from Joohyun if it weren’t for her still being kept in the dark about who exactly this man is. 

“Please, who are you?” 

The man stops dead in his tracks, contemplating whether to continue the conversation after such a bizarre first introduction to one another. A blush spreads deeply across his face once he turns back to face Joohyun, embarrassed by his own actions.

“Sorry. My name is Seo Dongchul.” Both Joohyun and Dongchul continue to gawk at each other for a few seconds until he finally realizes she doesn’t recognize his name or face. “I’m a screenplay writer. I thought you might have known who I am, that was stupid of me, I apologize again.” 

Joohyun’s eyes wander over the man once more, unsure of whether this person is who they say they are and the reason they’re moving to sit on the bench in her garden.

“One of my shows is about to be green-lit for production, it will be a big deal if we can get the budget we’re looking for.” Once again the man pauses awaiting Joohyun to telepathically piece his puzzling words together. “I’m here to offer you the main role.” 

A hearty cackle is Joohyun’s immediate response to his ridiculous offer. Not only is she retired, but she’s not ready for the main role in a drama as big as this man is proclaiming it will be. 

“I’m serious. I’ve written the main character based on you playing her. I’ve always been such a huge fan of you, Irene… Um, I mean, Joohyun.” The laughing suddenly stops as Joohyun notices how serious he is and that she isn’t being pranked. “I think you’re perfect for it and what better way to get you back out there in the spotlight. People seriously miss you.” 

Memories of old cloud Joohyun’s mind. The years of training unsure of whether a debut would ever happen or if she’d be selected for whatever group would be put together. Finally getting to perform on stage for the first time only to receive backlash. Bringing Yeri into the group and having to protect her for years due to people’s harsh words. Forming a sub-unit with Seulgi that meant more to the two of them than either could ever explain. The sense of pride for Joy when she got her first deal to appear in a drama and watching it religiously at the dorm to support her. The privilege of listening to Wendy’s incredible voice whenever she wanted to do so.

The very world she became a part of is difficult to navigate. More times than enough it has caused her a great deal of sadness or disappointment. But, those highs of hearing people scream your name can drown out every worry within anyone’s body if they truly drink it all in and allow it to consume them. The adrenaline is an unmatched high, but the hate that comes along with it is a deep and dark low. 

Perhaps Joohyun had been suppressing this feeling of missing her members and fans. Perhaps, she had begun to hyper fixate on the small land before her in hopes it would help her forget that deep down inside, she’s still to this day unsure if she truly made the right decision. Perhaps this is a sign or at the least her chance at a second turn. Or, perhaps this is all too good to be true and will only prove that escaping the idol life was the correct thing to do.

Acting had always been an interest of Joohyun’s since she debuted. However, any opportunity she was offered was declined by the company or she didn’t think she could connect with it properly. This role, if she were to consider it which she surprisingly even to herself is despite knowing nothing about it would have to be perfect for her to even think about giving up the normality bubble she’s become so attached to here.

“We’re hoping to have production up and running by October, but I’d need your answer by the end of June at the latest so we can schedule screen tests, wardrobe fittings, and the works.” Dongchul rummages through a backpack he removes from his back, pulling out a large folder. “Here’s the script. I’ve highlighted your character’s parts and wrote up a description in the front to help you get a feeling for what she’s all about. Just give it a read, that’s all I’m asking for.”

The man stands and places his backpack over one of his shoulders and lets himself out of Joohyun’s garden. A slight breeze hits her face and ruffles the sheets of paper firmly gripped in her hand. What an odd little man, she thinks. Yet, despite how confusing this entire thing was, she can’t help but wonder one thing.

Quickly striding towards the gate that Dongchul just exited, it takes a few seconds for her eyes to find him among the people enjoying a walk in the sunshine. However, his slumped shoulders inside the too-large suit are a clear giveaway. She runs towards him as quickly as possible, shouting after him before he vanishes.

“Hey wait, how did you find out where I was?”

Dongchul turns back towards Joohyun, noticing she’s still gripping his script, giving him a sense of hope. 

“Let’s just say we have a mutual friend,” he hesitates on whether to reveal their name out of fear it will be a negative reminder for Joohyun. Then she’d never consider taking on the role. “They told me where I could find your parents, I headed that way when I spotted you with your flowers.” 

A mutual friend, that could be anyone. Many idols transition into the acting world and any of them could have let slip that her parents live in Daegu, however, there’s only four who would know the exact address and only one of those has ties to acting. Rather than guess, she gets him to confirm her thoughts, anyway. 

“Who was it?”

A sad expression takes over his features before finally offering an answer. 

“Joy.”

pt. iii

[70ships-moved]

untitled | honeymoon suite

very brief summary: patrick can’t sleep. his solution? interview your boyfriend.

pairing: malcolm (oc) / patrick (s/i) | honeymoon suite

words: 2088 (yikes!)

notes: this is the very first fic i wrote about malcolm and it turned a year old like two months ago (wow! i didn’t even know that until now), i didn’t want to change or edit too much because this holds a special place in my non existent heart :), written in the pov of my s/i (first person)

   Today I found a magazine with one of my idols (and celebrity crushes) on the cover in my nightstand drawer stashed away like a porno magazine. I remember the exact day I bought it too. I was at a bookstore and I saw it in the checkout area and the moment I saw who was on the cover, I made a mad dash for the checkout area. I did contemplate it though; the magazine was like twelve bucks which is stupid for something no one really buys but skims through and puts back. (When was the last time you bought a magazine? Man, wait until you hear about the internet.) But for who was on the cover, I was more than willing to pay the stupid twelve dollars.

    Like any child that picks up a book, I looked at the pictures and read some of the interview. My only takeaway from the interview was that he liked this Bolognese recipe he found- or made himself. I didn’t read it all. He puts bacon bits in it, and he says it’s even good when cold. I took this magazine with me to school almost every day. I really liked the guy, okay? I’d show it to my best and only friend at school at the time who hated my obsession with him. It was weird because she was one of those friends who would always get an ugly boyfriend and would force you to compliment him- no matter how ugly you thought he was but proceeded to get mad at you when you were being honest about his looks. I could handle her opinions about this man I claimed to love but have never met in my life.

    Four years later and I finally read the interview. It was a good read. The interviewer had nothing but nice things to say about him, mainly because he was and still is a sweetheart. And he only had nice things to say about the people he talked about. After reading the interview, I had something other than his good looks to admire. As far as I know, there isn’t a hateful bone in his body. When talking about his controversial relationship with his ex (long story short, the public wasn’t buying it), he said he only knew the girl he fell in love with and that’s saying something for a relationship that felt like it only lasted a week.

    It inspired me to conduct my own interview with someone who I love just as much, my partner Malcolm. I’ve interviewed other people before rather awkwardly but this is Malcolm we’re talking about. He has walls. We all do. He's a bit on the reserved side but with the time I’ve spent with him, I’ve seen these walls come down. These demolished walls are my favorite part of him. I even went out of the way and got a recording device from a buddy who works in film. I like being extra.  

    It’s about 2 am. There’s this thing my body does where I just have to wake up at this time. It’s every day too. When this happens, I wake Malcolm up. He encourages me to do so because it is incredibly difficult for me to go back to sleep once awake. Also, it’s kind of boring being awake all by yourself. In these hours, I learned how to call from a private number (*67, for prank call purposes), learned useless but interesting facts about space and how sex can be one hell of a sleeping pill. Tonight, I wanted to do something different.

    We’re sat in the kitchen area of the suite. The only thing separating us is the kitchen island. My recording device sits in the middle of us. Are you ready? “Mhm.” Great, I start with an over-the-top introduction of him. Ladies, guys, and people who don’t care what’s between their thighs, it’s two in the fucking morning and I can’t sleep but the man I’m sitting across from makes it all worth it. He’s got great hair and even great taste in men. He’s dating me! The man, the myth, future astronaut, and legend: Malcolm Hall! I feel like a podcast host. It’s a good feeling. “You’re so annoying.” That’s why he loves me.

    I have a list of questions I wrote down in less than five minutes. They’re nothing special and I want this to be fun and not so serious. This man constantly throws himself at his work- spending endless hours at a desk. Serious is his middle name. When he’s not in his office, he’s at the bar talking to you about a film he saw with a margarita in front of him or playing blackjack with you and your coworkers. Maybe he’s in suite 505 kicking it with yours truly, telling me about his day while I struggle to put a face mask on his moving face. How are you doing? He chuckles. That fucking chuckle. “Tired. But I’m with you, so I can’t complain. How are you?” I’m not so tired but I can’t complain. You’re here.

    I see you’re well-dressed for our interview. A bit too casual but you look good regardless. “Fuck off.” He says this in a whisper but it’s almost too quiet, it almost looks like he’s mouthing it. He’s in a bathrobe, his hair tossed from sleep; strands of it falling into his face. His face is resting in his palm as he looks at me with a tired smile, his eyes struggling to stay open. This is all unintentional, but I think this is extremely sexy of him. These small things have such a tremendous effect on me. They light the pit in my stomach and make me squirm in my seat a little. I’m messing. You look great as always. “You’re not looking too bad yourself.” I know. If I ever die in my sleep, I want to be in the best damn pair of silk pajamas there is.

    The coffee machine makes a noise indicating that it’s done brewing his cup of caffeine. That’s a nice coffee maker. When did you get it? I’m going off-script. “This thing?” He taps the machine like the hood of a car. “It came with the room. The interior design people take care of that. I just run the place, so I don’t really know when it got here. But I do know that the other machines were really fucking old.” Oh, interesting. “Not really. You know, I was expecting you to give me much harder questions.” Really? Well, it’s important to expect the unexpected. “Now you’re scaring me.” Good. Part of me can’t tell if he knows I’m teasing him.

    I’m not a coffee drinker like him but if it tasted as good as it smelt, then I could be. It’s a hazelnut blend. He mixes it with half-and-half and three scoops of sugar. His sips are slow and cautious. He seems to have bad luck with hot objects. He burnt his hand in a waffle iron one time and a dozen more times while preparing dinner. Maybe a hot object, liquid, or thing is the reason for the tape on his right hand. What happened to your hand? He looks up at me through his mug. “Masturbation incident.” By the way, I am madly in love with this man.

    Do you remember when we met? This is a weird transition because it was on my list of questions and my timing couldn’t be any worse considering moments ago, I asked a question and the answer I received was masturbation. The question makes him smile though. He either remembers or he’s pretending to remember. “Yeah. Of course I do.” He takes both my hands, gliding his thumbs across my knuckles. I want dates, times, names, everything. “I don’t remember the exact date, but I believe it was March.” He’s correct. “It was at the hair salon and I booked an appointment with you.” He’s correct again. I cut his hair for free now- well, unless he’s pissed me off. Then, I charge him ten bucks. Twenty if I’m really upset.

     Do you remember what time you showed up for your appointment? “Late. Very late.” He came in about two and a half hours late. I was pissed. “You were pissed.” He apologized profusely, and I still cut his hair. I remember it being soft and full. It still is. That's just one of the perks of having a hairstylist as a boyfriend. “I remember when you washed my hair. It’s my favorite part of you doing my hair.” I remember that too. The shampoo had a minty menthol smell. When it was on your head, it added a cooling factor and when you inhaled it, your lungs felt like winter. Basically, vapor rub for your hair.

    He got lost in the way I massaged his scalp, his eyes closed and smiling. I can still hear his Yorkshire accent telling me “Tha’ feels good.” After I washed it, I blew it out and started cutting it. That’s when I told him his hair was soft. “Looking back on it, you kept your hands in my hair way too long.” It’s part of the job. “That’s what they all say.” He takes a long sip from his mug, his eyes not leaving mine. “Your hair was...interesting as well.” Interesting, in the way he’s using it, is slang for saying you don’t know whether you should like something because you’ve never seen it before. Back in the day, I’d dye my hair all types of colors. Shit, I thought I looked good.  

    “The Smiths played on the stereo and your singing was terrible.” That’s a lie. I’m not Morrissey but I try to stay on key. “I’m kidding. But when you moved around the shop, you were always swaying to the music. You were fun to watch.” He winks at me and my face heats up at the memory. I danced like no one was watching. “We talked and talked and next thing I knew, I was asking you out on a date.” The first date was meant to be memorable but due to one incident, I feel like our date was memorable for the wrong reasons. “We went bowling. I’ll never forget it.” I know why. “You slipped and fell in the aisle.” I was so embarrassed. Is that the only thing you remember? Whenever we talk about it, you always bring it up. “That’s how I break the ice. ‘My boyfriend and I went bowling and he fell in the aisle. It was our first date. It's nice to meet you.'" 

    I’m a little tired now, my eyes a bit heavy and my voice softening. He answered the first date question I had prepared, so I decided to move on to my last one. Have you ever been in love? “Yes. I’d say so. Are you or have you ever been in love?” I’m supposed to be asking the questions, but I answer anyway. Yeah. I am right now. It’s a funny feeling because I’ve never been in love before. “Really? Who with?” You. My eyes can’t take the weight and close. “Good answer.” I can hear the smile in his voice.

    It’s a few minutes to 4 now. Our interview is done, and we’re ready for bed. We don’t go straight to sleep though. I listen to him talk some more with my head on his chest, his little chest hairs tickling my cheek. I begin to absently trace patterns across his chest. He says it tickles. His hand goes up my shirt, moving his hand up and down my back almost in a soothing rhythm. Sometimes, he stops, and I think he’s asleep, but I get the feeling that he realizes that I sensed he’s stopped and keeps going until I’m asleep. The hum of his chest when he speaks, combined with his hand and heartbeat is enough for me to call it a night.  

    His skin radiates a warmth that can’t be duplicated. His hands have a pattern like no other, each touch raising the hairs on my body. Despite it being hours since he’s showered, I can smell the scent of my cherry soap on him. This moment is something I never knew I needed and if it were to be taken away, I would be devastated. I close my eyes. I cannot think of any other place I’d rather be than here.

[aion-rsa]

Boy Meets World’s Slasher Episode Was Scarier Than it Had Any Right To Be

https://ift.tt/31fmu6t

Blood-curdling screams. Taunting phone calls from a psycho killer. Creepy, ominous music with lyrics like “Here’s a knife. Here’s a gun. There’ll be fun for everyone. Death is on the menu tonight!” Elements of a forgotten ‘90s slasher classic? Nope. Just some highlights from the most memorable episode of ABC’s family sitcom Boy Meets World.

With the launch of Disney+ and ample time to get nostalgic and revisit old movies and TV shows due to the pandemic, many older millennials are diving back into Boy Meets World, which ran for seven seasons from 1993 through 2000 as a staple of ABC’s TGIF lineup. The show centered on Philadelphia teenager Cory Matthews (Ben Savage) navigating life with his best friend Shawn Hunter (Rider Strong), his love interest Topanga Lawrence (Danielle Fishel), and brother Eric (Will Friedle), while perpetually receiving life lessons from longtime teacher and eventual principal Mr. Feeny (William Daniels). 

Boy Meets World had no shortage of standout moments and episodes, like WWE wrestler Vader appearing as the father of a misunderstood school bully, a young Linda Cardellini being the girl who almost destroyed the Cory and Topanga love story for good, and Peter Tork (who briefly played Topanga’s father), Micky Dolenz, and Davy Jones staging an impromptu Monkees reunion. And who could forget when Ben Savage’s famous brother Fred guest starred as a creepy college professor and was shoved through a glass door? 

But perhaps no other Boy Meets World episode made a bigger impact to impressionable young minds than the fifth season highlight “And Then There Was Shawn,” a format-breaking homage to the popular slasher films of the moment, like Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer (the latter of which hit theaters just four months earlier). Serving as a metaphor for the fear and uncertainty Shawn feels over the recent breakup of Cory and Topanga, the episode is a mini-horror movie that operates in dream logic and features shocking cast deaths, zeitgeisty jokes, and a big ‘90s teen idol cameo. Many young fans were genuinely frightened by the scares conjured up in the episode, while older fans loved the campy, winking references and the change of pace storytelling.

“And Then There Was Shawn” writer Jeff Menell was typically happy to do what was asked of him on the series, but he jumped at the chance to write a horror-influenced episode. “I’m a diehard movie fan. I have been my entire life. But as a writer on set, I just did whatever I was told,” Menell said in a phone interview with Den of Geek. “I never went after anything. But I begged to write this one because I just knew I could do it.”

Read more

Movies

Disney+ Halloween Movies for Kids: The Best Family Films to Watch This Spooky Season

By Alana Joli Abbott

The episode finds the high school-aged cast members serving detention with Mr. Feeny after a fight, springing from Cory and Topanga’s recent breakup, disrupts the class. Things quickly take a turn when the kids see a message in blood written on the chalkboard that reads “No One Gets Out Alive!” and hear a discomforting jingle with menacing lyrics playing over the high school’s PA system. Initially, the kids believe that Mr. Feeny is playing a prank on them, but things take a turn for the serious — and scary – when classmate Kenny is murdered in the dark by the masked killer wielding a pencil (prompting a very timely “You Killed Kenny!” reference). None other than Mr. Feeny himself bites the dust shortly thereafter via scissors to the back.

“You know, usually you go off for two weeks and you go write this draft and you bring it back, and then the room rewrites it. That always was the process. I wrote this one like in two days, and I had to pretend that it took longer because if you’ve written the script in two days, they assume it sucks, or that you didn’t really care or make an effort,” Menell says.

When Menell brought the initial draft to the writer’s room, however, there were minimal changes to his script. The episode’s director, Jeff McCracken, was impressed. 

“Jeff (Menell) went out and wrote his episode and when it came in it was perfect. It was an absolutely perfect flow of the script. He just nailed it.”

Emulating classic slasher film elements, McCracken had to approach the filming of “And Then There Was Shawn” differently than a typical episode. 

“It was so much fun,” McCracken says. “Because it had all these special sequences, we really had to shoot it like a film. We rehearsed for two days, then shot it for three, and then we showed it before a live audience. The film style is generally single style or two cameras, but I shot a lot of it with three to four cameras so that we wouldn’t have to do multiple retakes. You couldn’t have done the whole thing in front of a live audience because it would have taken too much time to set everything up and run through a show with an audience sitting there.”

The pencil kill is the most memorable moment from the episode, but McCracken nor Menell can take credit for it. “I remember the one gag that was not in the script, the one gag that Michael Jacobs (creator/executive producer) came up with, which was genius, was the pencil dynamic,” McCracken recalls. After classmate Kenny is shown impaled through the head with a pencil, his body slumps down the wall, leaving a lead pencil mark behind him. Cory quips, “We’ll always remember he was this tall.”

Kenny and Feeny’s deaths are bloodless, but they leave a mighty impression for a network family-friendly series. Both writer and director knew that they’d have to tread lightly if they were going to be faithful to the slasher genre (“I’m surprised they let us have Feeny with (scissors) in his back, to tell you the truth,” Menell says) but they both made a concerted effort to surround the kills with humor. 

“We had to make it funny,” McCracken says.” I mean, you put (scissors) in someone’s back, it can be very disturbing for a young audience. You can’t traumatize them. We did it with some sense of humor and it wasn’t so graphic.”

Part of the humor was derived from the very specific references made in the episode. Like Scream standout character Randy, Shawn makes meta references to the rules of the horror genre, telling his friends that virgins are the only ones who are safe. Eric says, “I’m dead,” Jack says, “I’m dead,” and Shawn says, “I’ll get as sick as you can without dying.” 

This slightly scandalous joke wasn’t anything new for the series, but the violent nature of the episode led to “And Then There Was Shawn” receiving the show’s first TV-PG-V rating. According to Menell, Michael Jacobs had a way of pushing the boundaries with network executives. “He got away with a lot more stuff than most people because he could really browbeat some network executives at times to get what he wanted.”

One major addition to the cast for “And Then There Was Shawn” probably helped Jacobs catch the network in the right mood. Jennifer Love Hewitt, coming off Party of Five and at the height of her scream queen powers, guest stars as new John Adams High student Jennifer Love Fefferman. Hewitt at the time was dating Will Friedle and it’s believed their relationship inspired her cameo. 

“We maybe asked him to ask her, because obviously she was in I Know What You Did Last Summer, so having her there just adds horror film credibility to it,” Menell says. “She was great. She was such a great sport, and it was fun having her on.”

McCracken concurs: “It was such a pleasure. It was one of those things that you don’t know how a major star walking in on your set, how they’re going to be, what their demands are going to be, what their personality is going to be like, what their disposition for the script’s going to be like, and she just came in full guns blazing and just had a blast and that made everything just wonderful. She was game for anything.”

One thing that Hewitt was game for was a big makeout scene with Friedle’s Eric, that may or may not have been improvised. “I don’t think we wrote that in, I think they just wanted to do it and we let it,” Menell laughs.

Amongst all of the horror homage fun, the episode ends with Shawn removing the killer’s mask to find himself starring back, having gone through this whole slasher bit just to get his friends back together. It’s quite the philosophical ending for a show primarily aimed at tweens and teens. 

“When it did get serious with Shawn at the end, it was more poignant than it was scary and it was also a great reveal that it was him,” McCracken says. “It was metaphorical in the sense that that component of Shawn is in us all and it’s always lurking and it’s always out there. And so, be vigilant.”

The Jeffs knew that they had a special episode on their hands with “And Then There Was Shawn,” but who could have guessed the episode would have this sort of longevity 22 years later?

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

“We got a few letters from people that were so scared, couldn’t believe we would kill Feeny. And we got some people that were upset,” Menell says. “But we had no idea until years later when the internet came on how popular that episode became. We did some crossovers, some time flashbacks, and some other really cool episodes, but this was a show that was nothing like any other episode we had aired or would air. It was probably the most fun … it’s certainly the most scary.”

The post Boy Meets World’s Slasher Episode Was Scarier Than it Had Any Right To Be appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3nTOAOB

[themesozoicsperm]

Another 5 underrated Halloweeny cartoons

Last year I make post like this about 5 very obscure spooky cartoons that needed more love. This time Im gonna talk about some cartoons that are quite known but could also be more popular. As I said last year, if like me, you wanna watch every cartoon in existence, here are some 5 underrated cartoon series to watch in halloween.

1) The Real Ghostbusters

This one was actually one of the most popular things back in the day, and to this day you may find some remains of its once huge fandom lurking on the Internet, but the idea of this post is to make new people interested in it, specially young ones.

As you may know, most 80s cartoons were practically long commercials for selling toys and this was no exception, HOWEVER, the execution here was so great you easily forget it. Sure it was quite cheesy at times and the script got worst past the first couple seasons (this because some of the best writers quit after some pretty terrible and misogynist decisions the producers made), but trust me, the main reason to watch this is because it was WACKY as hell. Some scenes really catch you off guard, you don’t expect a lot of things to happen, either because the writers were master minds... or they just didn’t care and wrote the first thing that came to their minds.

And then, there is also the ghost designs. Just look at those things in the image above! What the hell are those supposed to be? the ghost of aliens? They dont look like death people at all! There are so many good ideas in this show that are incredibly inspiring, specially if you like to design creatures like me. And the animation for its time was pretty cool too!

I would also recomend the sequel show, Extreme Ghostbusters, which was a pretty good follow-up and also counts with wacky creatures designed by the amazing Fil Barlow!

2) Aaahh!!! Real Monsters

Another one that was pretty popular back in the day, basically Nickelodeon’s gold mine along Rugrats and Ren & Stimpy. This one also had a lot of incredible monster designs so full of personality and an incredible voice cast that goes from Charlie Adler to Tim Curry himself. At least for me this show seriously did better work recreating “monsters as a kid would imagine” than Monsters Inc or Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends.

The Gromble specially steals the show with its Dr. Frank-N-Furter-like personality, every single of his lines could be your seniour quote. Really so much thought in these creatures, making multiple gags about their appearances or abilities, rather than just being randomly designed monsters.

Is kinda sad that modern shows wouldn’t try an artstyle like this, specially because people nowadays would label it as “too ugly”.

3) Garakuta or Mr. Stain on Junk Alley

A pretty obscure one! Shall have probaly saved it for another list? Anyway, a lot of you may know Popee the Perfomer, a creepy cartoon by Ryuji Masuda that usually makes into “topz 10 mast disturbenz car2ns lol”, and it was indeed pretty unsettling. But before that one Mr Masuda make other interesting cgi projects that really deserve some recognition too.

One of those was Garakuta (also know as Mr Stain on Junk Alley), and used to air on Adult Swim (at least where I live >:( ). It consisted in short 10-minute episodes about a hobbo living an alley full of garbage as well as a lot of creepy crawlers. It may wasn’t really “halloweeny” or “spooky”, but at least half of the episodes revolved around scary stuff and creatures, but somehow always fnishing in a funny gag or almost ghilbi-like tear jerking ending. The uncanny 2000s cgi just adds to the creepy factor, aswell as being a silent show with no dialogue at all adds to the “classic fairy tale” feel.

I do actually consider this one an anime since is totally japanese ^^.

4) Making Fiends

Oh god! one of the saddest ones! And not because of the show itself but because of the story of its production. Basically, this one started as a series of internet shorts by Amy Winfrey on early 2000s, you know, the time for internet stuff like this (ie: Salad Fingers). Nickelodeon noticed it was kinda popular so decided to buy the rights to young and inexperienced Amy and make a full series. It sadly didn’t do well enough, and as is law on Nick: if its not a inmediate sucess... them cancel it and replace it for more crappy sitcoms or moar Spongebob. Poor Amy was left alone with no work and not being able to make more Making Fiends on Internet since the rights didn’t belonged to her anymore.

The premise is basically what the title or theme song tells you: a Mandy-like girl called Vendetta has a whole city scared under her control, she has the ability to make creatures that follow her orders and like to terrorize the citizens, but then another girl called Charlotte came, with a totally opposite personality to Vendetta she tries to be everybody’s friend, and of course, worlds collide! Unlike other shows of this kind, Charlotte doesn’t try to make Vendetta a “good” person, she is just being herself while Vendetta is also being herself, 2 different queens wanting to rule their world in 2 different ways.

At least the show kinda generated a little cult following with time!

5) Warau Salesman

I already talked about one anime here so lets talk about another! Literally meaning “The Laughing Salesman”, this show got a little more popular this year after some review on youtube came sometime ago. However, IT CAN BE MORE POPULAR RIGHT!???

As practically every other show on the list, this one is also episodic, which is kinda weird for an anime, isn’t it? It just doesn’t tell a continuous story, is more like... gotta quote that one review... The Twilight Zone, every episode we know about some random person who wants something in life, till sometime its complaints are heard by this humble gentleman called Moguro Fukuzou, who promises to solve all his/her problems free of charge!!! Just... do exactly what he says, really...

We really never know what’s the deal with this guy, the main attraction, the show itself, is he a demon? just a horrible person? what are his ambitions? is he actually evil or just like to do awful pranks?

This show actually actually got a decent remake recently! but didn’t do good since an anime that is not about school teenagers with superpowers is not profitable these days.

PS: this is one of those anime that I would actually consider “adult” since most of its episodes revolve the adult working life, alcoholism, money, taxes and how hard the life of the average japanese businessman is.

Let’s finish with a bonus of some specials mentions that also deserve a watch, may talk about some of these shows in the future!

Martin Mystery, The Drac Pac, Gravedale High, Mr Meaty (mostly gross and unsettling than spooky), Monster Farm, Toonsylvania, Hilda, Victor and Valentino, The Funky Phantom, Legend Quest, Creepy Crawlies (1987), Gegege no Kitaro and of course YOUR SUGGESTION HERE and the Moomins, yeah THE MOOMINS, because 1) is not really underrated, became pretty popular again this year after the new series premiered and 2) While most tumble talks about how the 90s show was pretty cute and how gay Snufka and Moo-man were and all that...

the show itself wasn’t always cute...

[fanficsrusz]

Love Rekindled - Keanu Reeves Oneshot

A/n: not one of my best works but this was requested anon. I wrote it on my lunch break instead of doing the work i needed to do 😅 oops. Oh well please enjoy. 😊

__________

The year was 1991 and y/n was a 16 year old up and coming moving star. Women wanted to be her and men wanted to be with her. She was beautiful to say the least with her y/e/c eyes and y/h/c hair that framed her face perfectly.

 All of this had happened in the space of a year. One measly year. 

This time last year she was just a shop assistant in a clothing store and then one day a casting agent came in saying how she was "the perfect fit" for a new film she was casting for called 'point break'

At first she thought that the woman was playing an elaborate prank on her and that there would be no way anyone would want her in a film. She thought it was no more than just a scam and so she turned the agent down. She left but not before giving y/n her card with her name and phone number on.

Returning home that night she couldn't get the woman out of her mind and looked her up. To her shock, she was a real casting agent and point break was an actual film. Y/n sat on her bed for hours contemplating what she should do and after talking with her mum, she decided to give the agent a call. That was the day her life changed forever. 

On the set of the movie she had met her co stars. But one stood out to her the most. Keanu Reeves. he was handsome, kind, funny and she fell for him instantly. She thought  that someone like him would date someone like her. Not only that but there was still a bit of an age difference between them so Instead she just made friends, dismissing any feelings she might have for the man. 

However, she was pleasantly surprised when one day keanu had asked her out and that's when the celebrity romance blossomed. The two went everywhere together and it was evident that they were truly in love. They were big news, their pictures were on practically every magazine available, even when they did interviews, a question about their relationship would pop up. 

But that all changed 3 years later when a woman claimed that she had slept with keanu when he went on a small trip somewhere. It broke y/n's heart and she didn't know what to do. The worst thing about it was that keanu denied it but for some reason y/n couldn't bring herself to believe him. She knew that the whole relationship was too good to be true. 

It seemed like the whole world had an opinion on what she should do. 'I think y/n and keanu should split' 'no they should stay together' 'y/n would be an idiot if she left keanu. She's nothing without him'. The comments came daily and she just wanted to disappear and so she decided to split from the man, going her own way. They were both devastated but what could they have done. 

28 years later

Y/n sat in her agents office and looked down at the script. "you've been contemplating doing this film for 3 weeks now. it's a great film y/n you should do it" her agent moaned handing her a bottle of water. Y/n looked at the script and she smiled. It had been a while since she had a script that excited her, but she still liked to be sure it was a film she really wanted to do. Never before had a character fitted her so well and so she made up her mind. 

She sighed before leaning forward, placing the script on the table "sure. What the hell" she smiled "yeah that's the y/n i know" her agent laughed as she stood up, making her way over to the actress. "ok so you need to be at the table reading in two days in New York. I'll book your flight for you and arrange everything. All you need to do is turn up and learn your lines" she began to usher y/n to the door, barely giving her time to gather her bag and script. 

Y/n smiled to herself as she made her way out of the agency and towards her home. 

As she walked down the street, her mind wandered. As much as she loved acting, it was tiring with all the travelling and box offices. What would she be doing right now if she never accept that acting job all those years ago. She shook her head and was brought back to reality when a camera flashed in her face and paparazzi surrounded her. She tried her best to smile and answer a few questions that were shouted at her. 

As she pushed past the last few people, a guy stepped in front of her shoving a mic in her face. "IS IT TRUE YOU JUST ACCEPTED A ROLE IN THE SAME FILM THAT KEANU REEVES IS IN? ARE YOU TWO DATING AGAIN??" the man shouted over the noise of the other reporters and it caught y/n off guard. how on earth could he even know that. I literally just accepted it' she thought to herself. She pushed past him and rushed into her apartment complex, relieved that she was away from the paparazzi. 

She couldn't deny the fact that she missed keanu but that was so long ago and what would be the chances of her having the chance to be in a film with him again? 

The reporters words lingered in her mind for the rest of the night, she half wanted the reporter to be right that he was in the film with her and half wanted him to be wrong. She sat on her sofa watching some film, trying to forget about keanu but as much as she wanted to forget about the incident earlier she couldn't. She leaned forward and eyed her phone that laid next to her. She bite her lip contemplating if she wanted to find out if he would be in the film with her.

 "fuck it" she mumbled to herself after several minutes of deciding. She called her agents and soon her cheery voice could be heard through the other end. 

"y/n? Why are you calling me?" y/n was hesitant at first but soon asked the important question. "is keanu reeves my co-star?" her agent was silent before y/n heard her sigh. "yes he is. But the job offer is too good to turn down" there was silence for a few seconds. "do you still want to do the film?" y/n fell back onto the sofa and thought for a second "of course i do" "great. I'll see you in two days on your flight". Y/n hung up after saying a quick goodbye and closed her eyes. "Why God" she moaned, closing her eyes, slightly regretting accepting the job offer. However deep down, she was excited to see her long lost lover. 

___

Y/n pulled her suitcase over to the waiting area in the airport. Her plane would leave in 2 hours and all she wanted to do was sleep. She wore a simple white blouse with some skinny blue jeans. Her outfit was simple yet classy. She moved her hair over her shoulders and got comfy as her anxiety began to quick in. After so many years of being a celebrity and flying to different countries, anyone would have thought she had gotten over her fear of flying, but nope she still hated it. 

She popped in an earphone and began to listen to some music as a last attempt to calm her nerves. 

Within an hour her gate had been opened and she was able to board the plane. She walked slowly in line and waited for her turn. As she crossed her arms, she could sense someone behind her. at first she thought nothing of it, but then she heard it. His deep, soothing voice that called out to her. "y/n long time no see" she froze in spot before turning around slowly. She looked up the man in front of her. Keanu stood there, slight stubble and long hair made him look godly and his simple outfit of jeans and a shirt was a dream come true. She wanted to cry and run but she also wanted to hug him, missing how he used to make her feel. She pushed her emotions down and chose to remain professional. She smiled sweetly "keanu. It's nice to see you again". She envied the way he managed to look so calm, imaging that she looked like a sweaty mess. Keanu smiled and pulled her into an unexpected hug. "you still look as young as the day we first met" he laughed and y/n just smiled "good genes I guess" she tried to hide the blush that spread across her cheeks. she hated the way he made her feel like the 16 year old girl that met him all those years ago. Who was she kidding, she still loved the man for God's sake. 

Keanu smirked at the woman's nervousness and pointed behind her. "I think it's time for us to board". She tried to compose herself as she walked on the plane, quickly finding her seat next to the window. How was she going to cope with filming a whole entire film with him when she could barely deal with talking to him for two minutes.

Y/n closed her eyes and relaxed into her seat, hoping no one would sit next to her, but her dreams were soon short lived when she felt the pressure of someone next to her.

Opening her eyes, y/n groaned as she looked to see keanu smiling at her. "what are you doing?" she whispered and keanu began to rummage through his bad. "I swapped with someone. I thought it would be nice if we could…. Get to know each other again" he pulled a small bag of mints out of his bag and offered one to her. She looked at him confused and he turned to her. "you told me they helped you relax on flights".

Y/n was taken back by his words and she blinked a few times before replying. "keanu i told you that 20 years ago". It was keanus turn to blush and he looked down. "what can i say. I have a good memory. '' Y/n smiled at the idea that keanu had remembered such a minuscule thing about her and even more at the fact that he had taken his time to actually go and buy the sweets for her. "thank you" she smiled and took one of the sweets from him, popping it in her mouth as the air stewardess began to explain the emergency protocols and within minutes, the plane was moving. 

Y/n gripped onto the armrest tightly, her knuckles turning white. Keanu notice and so turned to her, his face softened as he took in y/n's face. Her skin was still smooth, her eyes had life in them and she still looked beautiful. Well, despite the fact that she was terrified. "you're still the same" he hummed as he placed a hand on top of hers, feeling how she instantly relaxed under his touch. "how can you not be freaking out when we're thousands of meters up in the air and could crash at any second" she whispered trying to keep her cool "the plane is not going to crash" he sat back  and crossed his legs. Y/n turned to him "and what? You've seen the future? The hell do you know what's going to happen" sarcasm dripped from her tongue and she sounded rude, she didn't mean for it to come across that way, it just happened. She leant back and watched as keanu raised his eyebrow. "sorry" she whispered, regretting how she just snapped at him. She was terrified after all. "don't be sorry. It's like we never stopped talking. I kinda missed it". He spoke so suddenly and y/n didn't know how to respond. Instead she just turned to look out the window, all fear leaving her body and instead she was to busy thinking about keanus words. They excited her as well as scared her, more than death ever could. 

After the long flight, the plane arrived at its destination and y/n practically ran off the plane. She was relieved to be out of the death trap and back on land. She forgot all about keanu and sped walked to baggage claim and towards the exit. After what felt like forever, she was hailing a cab and would soon be heading to her hotel. 

"where to miss?" the cab driver ask "the royal blue ho-" y/n was cut off by the door opposite her opening and keanu slid in. "what the hell are you doing?" she asked and the cab driver just watched in the rear view mirror. Keanu shrugged and turned to the driver "royal blue hotel please". The cab driver nodded and pulled out. Y/n turned to keanu and stared at him. "care to explain?" she stared at him, trying to seem angry but not being able to restrain the small smile on her face. "we're staying at the same hotel. What's the issue?" he laughed and y/n faked annoyance once again. "how do you know what hotel im staying at?" keanu pulled out his phone before speaking. "it's not that hard when fanpages know EVERYTHING about you and i mean everything. Apparently they even know your bra size" keani laughed and y/n sat in shock'' I hate you" she hissed and turned to the window, watching as people and buildings flew past. 

The car ride to the hotel was mostly quiet after that and they were soon at the reception desk. Y/n pushed past keanu and spoke to the receptionist. "room for miss y/l/n" she spoke sweetly and the women typed on the computer before looking back up at her with a small frown. "im sorry miss y/l/n, there was an issue with your reservation. Your room has been double booked. Let me fix it for you" y/n was annoyed at this point, wanting nothing more than to have a nice long hot bath and get into bed. "im sorry, there are no available rooms here. If you want I ca -" the woman was cut off by keanu pushing y/n aside and standing in her place. "there's no need for that. She can share with me. Mr reeves" keanu smirked at y/n and the receptionist nodded, handing him the room key. 

Y/n's mouth hung open and stood there for a second not knowing what to do. Keanu pulled her arm towards the lift and she pulled away from him. "why did you do that? Do you have any idea what will happen if a reporter found out about this" she held her head in her hands, going through all the scenarios in her head and keanu just laughed as he pressed the floor number for their room. "y/n relax. No one will know" he reassured her. 

If she was honest that was not what she was most scared of. She was really scared of the fact of facing the harsh reality of coming to terms that she still loved keanu. 

Pushing open the hotel door. Y/n dragged her suitcase to the double bed and placed it on top of it, unpacking a few items. "you can have the bed if you want, I can take the couch" keanus voice said to her calmly. Y/n snorted "and what have you moan in the morning that your old man body hurts. No thank you. We can just sleep head to toe" 

When she turned around, she jumped to see keanu stood only a few meters from her, his hand was extended towards her offering her a glass of whisky in hand. She looked at it momentarily before accepting it, she needed a good drink in order to calm her nerves. 

She walked away from him and towards the balcony doors, throwing them open unable to stand the heat in the bedroom. 

Keanu followed behind her and leaned over the railings as he looked down. 

"you know i never really got over you" he said it so boldly and with ease, y/n couldn't believe her ears. "what." she asked and keanu moved closer to her, trapping her between the railings and his body. "you heard me. When you broke up with me all those years ago. I never got over it. You do realise that girl lied about sleeping with me?" y/n stood their stunned and all the memories of the pain came back and it felt like she was stabbed in the heart. "how was i supposed to know?" she looked down and he laughed. "do you really want to know what i was doing the night I apparently slept with her?" y/n looked into his eyes and nodded. Keanu stared deep into her eyes lovingly before saying his next words. "i was visiting your father. I asked him for his permission to marry you" he sounded defeated and y/ns heart broke. "if that's the case then why didn't he tell me? Why didn't you tell me? " keanu looked away from her "i don't know why but i thought it was the best thing to do so I made him promise me not to tell you. To keep you happy. I thought that it might be better for you in the long run. You had your whole life in front of you and I didn't want to ruin it. Looking back at it now it makes no sense" they both laughed. "keanu" she called and he turned to her as she grabbed his face, pulling him in close. She closed her eyes and kissed him, she felt his chest push against hers as his arms wrapped around her waist. Y/n pulled back first and looked at him before smiling. "you are a complete and utter idiot do you know that. Do you have any idea how much i love you. Why didn't you tell me the truth? I would have believed you then. We could have been married with kids by now" keanu shrugged and moved to kiss her again. "well how about we start again now? Just me and you. Let's postpone the filming and go out together. Explore the city a little" y/n smiled, agreeing to the idea immediately. "i would like the keanu". The pair kissed again before being interrupted by a loud commotion on the pavement below. The two pulled away and looked down, watching as flashing lights from cameras blinded them. "well, looks like we don't have to announce anything" keanu joked and y/n slapped his chest. She was happy that she had finally gotten a second chance of experiencing true love all over again.

The end

________

Taglist (just ask to be added to a permanent taglist)

@gwenebear

@celestiaelisia

@blondieee-me

[seenashwrite]

Nash Watches & Rates Cheesy Lifetime & Hallmark Original Christmas Movies, So You Don’t Have To (2018)

(a.k.a. -  Nash Records Her Viewings Of Lifetime & Hallmark Original Christmas Movies, which are fanfic in visual form & are gold)

ETA Jan 2019: This adventure is now moving to @seenashblog, so my SPN peeps can rest assured they’ll not be exposed to this any longer - I have a feeling I’ll not be done purging my soul for awhile yet #bless my heart

Last Addendum, I Swear

But I caught one this morning called “Home For Christmas Day” that sailed into a 5/5 with little effort. Here’s a mash-up of two “official” summaries I found, and that’s all I am giving you:

An Army widow worries about her teenage daughter when she meets a soldier from the town's military base & starts to spend time with him during the two weeks before he ships out. The mother wants to spare her daughter the pain of losing someone she loves in action, so she tries to get her daughter to break it off with the soldier before she becomes attached.  Little do they know they are about to learn important lessons of the heart and that taking chances can make this Christmas one they will cherish forever.

All 4 leads (mom, diner owner, daughter, soldier) are good actors (the daughter really impressed me), and they help overcome some dialogue that could’ve been less formulaic. A highlight is that Kristin Chenoweth’s “Home On Christmas Day”, a *phenomenal* song and one that has permanent residence on my holiday playlist, is featured and sung by a character who - wait for it - can actually sing and it was pleasant to hear, they kept it simple, and it’s the better for it. The movie could’ve gone Velveeta and shmoop and severe angst fast, but it didn’t. You’ll be torn on the ending, some of you wishing they’d gone the other direction. You’ll be sweetly tearful either way.

.

So, the new official rec list for the ones that are worth your time?

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

(5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime)

(5 of 5) Home For Christmas Day (Catherine Bell, Victor Webster - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Princess for Christmas (Sam Heughan, Katie McGrath, Sir Roger Moore - Hallmark)

.

And don’t forget: never, ever watch “My Christmas Love”.

Past entries below

Special (Royal) Addendum!

In a shocking turn of events, I’m about to recommend a [gulp] prince-and-princess-based plot Hallmark movie. I’m out-of-pocket a lot this week, but spotted this one randomly and needed to tell you about it, in case you had a chance to catch it. Because surprise, surprise - from some pretty impressive music for a TV movie, to some solid acting (even from the precocious children!), to a decent script, the most off-putting thing is the title. Possibly the best thing? It’s from 2011 but you may recognize the leading man:

So as a reminder, here’s my overall recommendation list for Christmas movies that are actually worth your time...

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

(5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Princess for Christmas (Sam Heughan, Katie McGrath, Sir Roger Moore - Hallmark)

...and the newest addition is the one in question, I’ll give you the scoop.

Google tells me that this was marketed in the UK as “A Christmas Princess”, but I don’t find that any better - I hate movies that blow their wad in the title. Let us not forget the Hallmark rule (and I am certain by this point it IS a rule) that “Christmas” must be in the title. So why not just “Christmas at _ Manor”? That implies aristocracy of some sort, it’s just.... blaaaargh, this channel. Wait hey, look what google told me!

* I swear on my stories that I did NOT see that before I wrote this draft *

Interestingly the version that’s on You Tube is called the latter, so... ya got me. But legit, I am shocked that when you click the “info” on the TV, it says it’s only got 2 stars. It’s higher on IMdB. Probs high ratings, too. I’m not looking it up.

Right. So. Heughan is a *phenomenal* actor, there’s nothing more to say there, and McGrath is high above average for not just typical Hallmark fare, but TV in general. I knew I recognized her, and turns out she was in the short-lived TV series Dracula about 4 years ago (of which I watched the pilot and peaced out), and google tells me she plays Lena Luthor on Supergirl presently (which I don’t watch), but where my lightbulb went off was that she���s the chick who inexplicably got yanked away by a pterodactyl and eaten by the water dino in Jurassic World. She is a gorgeous woman whose hair is made to look atrocious and it’s Hallmark tradition, so nobody’s surprised. One thing is that you’re going to find that on occasion (and it’s few-and-far between) she over-enunciates some words and will rush random parts of sentences, and google tells me she’s Irish, so I get it. A word will sneak in once in a blue moon, but it’s not grating, not in the least, but it’s there. Anyway.

Roger Moore is solid, of course, and points to him for not slipping into Bond mode, and also for not playing it too gruff. The teen boy is a great actor as well - he can pull an angst face and verbalize frustration without it going petulant teen, which is so refreshing I cannot even. And the little girl has a slight Shirley Temple thing going on, holds her own with the adults. Thankfully the servants are all charming and several funny and endearing moments happen because of and with/about/surrounding them. (The narrator is the head butler, too - and fear not, it only happens at the top and at the finale, and are lovely bookends.)

Okay, the story: it kicks off with narration, and it is very well done and cheeky - “Once upon a time in a land called Buffalo there lived a girl names Jules...”  Jules --- ::sigh:: just call her Julie, ffs --- has gotten custody of her niece and nephew (about 6 and 14, respectively) after their parents (the Mom being Jules’ sister) died earlier that year. We find her in the midst of a shitstorm because she got fired from her job (and it’s a *very* cool job), the older kid shoplifted a game, and the girl drove away their babysitter with some pranks - she’s also apparently addicted to Doritos. Clearly they’re just processing, and high props to all involved for not taking it over the top. They’re just the right amount of troubled to where it’s not eyeroll-worthy on either the bratty end or the angsty end. She looks to be about 12 years older than the boy, so that’s another reason he’s probably not so with this arrangement, but she’s not harsh with him, she actually treats him like a person and tells him why his behavior is out-of-line and punishes appropriately, reminds him he’s not the only one who lost them, doesn’t go all authoritarian on him, another pleasant change in typical fare.

We find out that their dad was the son of a Duke of some wherever over in Jolly Ol’ - and THANK YOU SCREENWRITERS for keeping it simple and not making up some ridiculously-named kingdom tucked somewhere on the planet - but he gave up the title to marry a “commoner” and moved to America. Still, they get invited to the manor (”castle”? Didn’t look castle to me, but all right) and the brother of the Dad is Heughan’s character, Ashton, with whom Jules has some chemistry, yo. They get us there fast, about 12 minutes, and again against Hallmark type, those 12 weren’t crammed to the gills with backstory and prep work, because that stuff’s gonna unfold, we’ve got an hour twenty, we’re fine.

Heughan happens to technically be a prince (the faux land this must be for isn’t mentioned, again, bless you screenwriter) and it is easily explained without unneeded detail by saying “It’s through my mother’s side”. So I don’t know if that means the kids are lil’ princes and princesses because was Dad technically a prince? Or was he a half-brother? My point is, the Prince-Princess thing was unneeded - “A Duchess For Christmas” would’ve been fine, Hallmark. I promise. And maybe that’s what the writer intended, seeing as how his working script title had nothing about Princess in it. So it was a weird “Huh?” thing that happens a decent ways into the story, so it’s like....???? 

The rest of the movie goes how you think, but it’s got some genuinely charming moments, and it’s *entertaining*. See, Hallmark? You can take a basic storyline and not fill it with teenage-level angst, then dip it marzipan and roll it in sprinkles. Keep. It. Simple. Let the actors do their jobs. The hijinks aren’t over-the-top, the kids act and speak like actual kids - there’s actually a few lines out of Jules that I side-eyed more. Some of the music was too cutesy-quirky for my taste, but overall, like I said above, Night. And. Day. from the majority.  

The dress they put her in for the ball at the end is absolutely appropriate, it is lovely and isn’t overdone (hair, minus the clip in it, looks awful, of course) and - realistically! - it’s different from the other ladies’ without being drastically so. And also realistically, the crowd isn’t gawking because she’s now the best thing in the room, they’re gawking because a commoner is amongst them. 

Here’s why this gets a 4/5, and none of these are deal-breakers, but there’s just too many to justify a 5/5:

There is a dance scene that is embarrassing for everyone. But! I’ll be honest - their laughing looked real, I bet behind-the-scenes they’d gotten tickled at something, and Heughan throws all fucks out the window at one point, and bless him, because he saved it - the both of them had enough rhythm that it wasn’t altogether hide-your-eyes worthy; the better choice would’ve been to do the waltz he was teaching her to a more modern song, different tempo than the classic (I’m going blank on it, I feel like it’s the Blue Danube, but that’s irrelevant, anyway you’ll recognize it), throw in some relaxed improv steps. Snaps also to Heughan for faking playing violin well - and snaps to the director for some clever close ups that never quiiiiite give you a look at his (again, props - moving) fingers.

Second thing - the not-quite-climax set-up. I’ve not spoiled the others on the rec list, so I won’t spoil this one, either, but at about a half-hour til the end, the script goes with a trope and I just rolled my eyes. Granted, it didn’t go melodramatic and they saved it with a touch of a twist, and it is genuinely sweet. Still. Didn’t have to go the full distance, could’ve been taken care of while she was prepping to do what she did. I know that’s cryptic, you’ll get what I mean when you watch.

Third thing - the side-plot of the whoever-she-is Duchess or Lady something that expects Heughan’s character to marry her is WAAAAAAAY too much. And it’s the actress, it’s not the lines. Her choices of delivery are just bush league, even I know better and the only thing I’ve ever acted in is a third grade play. I was a Lucy VanPelt-type character (quelle surprise) and I kicked ass.

Other things: that whole “Huh? Prince, what?” stuff, and I could’ve done with a touch less shmoop ending, but the narration saved it.

Okay! There you go! A good princess movie! The rest are garbage. 

And never, ever watch “My Christmas Love”.

Love, Nash.

#11

This is it, folks, last entry. And by "folks" I mean the maybe three who are reading these, and thanks, hope you've enjoyed. But the ratio of work-to-response isn't motivating enough to continue, plus the season's about over,  and besides, this has covered in the ballpark of 20-ish movies. I think. I can't be bothered to count.  So here's the last speed run, I'll cover some more than others, and I'll also note one final time my Yes You Should Watch These 4-and-5 Star Rec List with any updates at the end, as well.  

You'll still get a post all its own (with screencaps to paint the full picture and an official, free link of where to watch) on the fanfic-y-est ickiest of all Christmas movies ever. It is too precious for words. I can't not write about it. And on top of that, I wrote an actual fic based on the same premise, because per usual  I have seen a travesty that had potential, worked it over, then said:

#humbly

And without further adieu: here's your speed round of the ones to avoid at all cost (the 1 and 2 stars) and a handful that were all right, I thought, but when it comes down to it are a matter of taste and you may love them (the 3 stars).  Oh, and spoilers in several places, because it's not going to matter because on tons of these you'll either (a) guess it yourself or (b) shouldn't waste your time.

I’m saving you, here.

Christmas in Angel Falls (Rachel Boston [a-gaaaaaaaain] - Hallmark)

"Guardian angel Gabby Messenger is sent to the town of Angel Falls to restore its Christmas spirit."

::sighs::

No. 

As predicted, it was pure schmaltz (my note actually says "suicide by schmaltz") and the usually charming Boston was annoying as hell.

1/5 stars . A Royal New Year's Eve (Jessy Schram - Hallmark)

This one was so grating. There's a prince, she's a fashion designer, it has a bit of a Cinderella undertone (if you watch it you'll see what I mean, there's some boss as pseudo-stepmother and friend as fairy godmother and dressmaking and hidden identity action sprinkled in) and know right now that the prince's accent is inexcusable, it is ear-burning. I looked the guy up because I had to know his nationality, to make sure that I wasn't off the beam and that this was just some weird subset of fill-in-the-bank accent to which I was unfamiliar, but nah, he's from goddamn Milwaukee. That a dialect coach or the director or SOMEBODY didn't speak up is embarrassing, I hope he realizes now and doesn't have this on his reel.  And as always, Jessy Schram is dialed to 11 on her typical coked-up mouse with flippy hair routine.

1/5 stars . Four Christmases and a Wedding (Nobody you'll know - Lifetime)

What? Huh? So the premise is he just keeps leaving for work and showing up again at the town Christmas festival with the shitty prom that happens afterward that they call a "ball" and I assure you it is not. They also kinda blew their wad in the title. Also-also, she's Perfect McBody but has had attached to her the trope of I LOVE FOOD GIVE ME ALL THE EATS which personally makes me sick.

1/5 stars . Christmas Everlasting (Tatyana Ali, Dennis Haysbert - Hallmark)

I mentioned this one in passing in an early entry, it's based on a book, so... not "original" totally. Here's why this one doesn't get onto the rec list - it's predictable. It's well-acted, but the story was weak, and I saw the "twist" coming a mile away, and granted - as stated prior somewhere in past entry - I happen to be bizarrely good at that, but I feel like you'd see it, too. Again, this could be the "fault" of the book, I don't know, I've never read it (it's called "The Other Sister", btw), I just judge the movie. Anyhow, it's the same ol' same ol' of big city gal comes home, dead family member (aforementioned sister - you know this immediately though, not a spoiler ), but rekindled lurve, and hey, she's gonna stay for good this time! Bonus appearance of Patti LaBelle, though, which is a bright spot. 

The thing that worked my nerves the most was that they inexplicably got actors to play the main folks in flashbacks to 10 years ago who look *nothing* like Ali and the lead male (whose name I unfortunately didn't note, but he was familiar to me), and I'm not just talking hair, that and clothes are what they're supposed to do for changes in time period, I'm talking distinct facial structure and skin tone and height. It was, on god, the most bizarre "young actor analog" (for lack of knowing another way of putting it) that I have ever seen on film in my life, I'm not exaggerating. The genuine, heartfelt acting of Ali and co. is what gets this bumped to a 3 vs. a 2, because I didn't think it was a *complete* waste of time, despite the meh story.

3/5 stars . Santa's Boots (Megan Hilty - Lifetime)

These are my notes verbatim:

--> family department store --> hot flannel Santa --> tree farm --> exec who comes home to save the family business and she's gonna stay 4eva! --> wtf do the boots have to do with anything, I don't.... --> 2/5 stars - 1 b/c hot flannel Santa - should be 1 star . A Christmas Arrangement (it doesn't matter - Hallmark)

Flower shop, check. "Arrangement", get it? ::sigh:: You'll just *love* the first ten minutes, where the lead says "no" and rebuffs and in general tries to get away from this dude about a zillion times. Byeeeeee! Nash will be out after the first 15 mins (I give these 15 mins before bailing), guaranteed. [time passes] I was right.  Angel Anna (a.k.a. the real Anael, thankyouverymuch) co-stars, and she's a better actress than the lead, who is absolutely grating in every way. Oh, and the font on the flower shop delivery van is Comic Sans. 

1/5 stars . Every Christmas Has A Story (Lori Laughlin, Colin Ferguson, and Willie Aames who, it should be noted, has not aged poorly nor has he had obvious plastic surgery yet at the same time looks nothing like himself so figure that one out - Hallmark)

This should've been called Christmas In Hollyvale (I *think* that was the town), but whatever, she's a reporter and he's her producer, so "story". Get it? GET IT?! Lori Laughlin does not age, and Colin Ferguson can pull a face and inject snark on Jensen-levels, and they have great chemistry, both are funny, and are great actors, then there's Doug ("The Crew") who is a delight. The hotel attendant is a bit annoying. The "mystery" she solves is meh. And though the overall premise is fine, the pacing is sloggy, but it's not necessarily a complete waste of your time because your two leads are such great actors.

3/5 stars . Now, here's one that's terrifically bad that I actually suggest you *might* want to watch because while it's not the jaw-dropping holy shit this is stupid ride that will be the final entry, this one's pretty fucking fan-fic-y and should give you some snickers:

A Cinderella Christmas (the chick from Once Upon A Time In Wonderland with lips that look so fake I hope they’re not real because otherwise bless her heart, Mindy Cohn, and doesn't matter - ION)

There is a get-together they have chosen to call a Chrismasquerade, and technically I don't think I have to say any more. But I will. Fuck, this is amazeballs stupid. Only redeeming thing? The always-delightful Mindy Cohn is in the fairy godmother role, I love her, and she has pinky-purple hair, and I always have/always will adore her sweet face and crinkled eyes smile.

Otherwise....

--> is shite music a pre-requisite for these movies?

--> our lead has *very* distinctive lips and her hair/eyes/lips combo look *nothing* like her cousin (the stepsister sub) even behind the half-face mask, so props to the casting department for whiffing the shit out of that

--> the dude is an incredible, unlikable asshat

--> "A Snow White Christmas" is premiering after this, and it's Sunday, and I'm going to host CASPN instead, but Imma go out on a limb and say it ain't worth your time, either

1/5 stars .

Get ready: shockingly for me, I'm about to give you a pair of 3-star trope-premised movies. I know, I know, unlike me. But these actually pulled it off. The trope?

*takes deep breath*

Pretend to by my boyfriend/girlfriend for my family . (1) A Holiday Engagement (Bonnie Summerville ???, and Jordan Bridges)

It's what you think, but not for terribly flaky reasons - she *was* engaged but the dick broke up with her at Thanksgiving. And in a pleasant change of pace, she doesn't get a friend-who-will-turn-to-more to play the part, she hires an actor. Smart girl. Bridges is another one of those random actors you see off-and-on who elevates everything he is in, and the chick is great, and the family is well cast, and the waiter at the restaurant made me laugh out loud. The whole thing is snappy in pace (lil' bit of filler, but that's par for the course with these movies) and has some snappy dialogue in places, and overall it's not a waste of time, not too shmoopy.

3/5 stars . (2) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

Inventive concept here, though they kinda shit the bed with naming their business something affiliated with Christmas if it's clearly a year-round affair, but okay. What it is: a dating app that's not a dating app, it's purely for folks who need a +1 to specifically business/work social events, but also more formal family and friend events (so, say, Christmas party where it's not just family, or friend party that's not just show up in your jeans and sweaters - the cocktail stuff, is my point). The thing is, no one is pretending to be the boyfriend or girlfriend, it's supposed to be like "And this is Susie/Steve, an associate of mine from ____ business". Nothing romantic, no false pretenses, no lying to others (well... not supposed to wink-wink).

The chick - who runs the biz/came up with it/helped develop it - is needing to take on investors, and one of them is like "Sold! But can I get some firsthand testimonial? Have you yourself tested your product?" and since she's got shit coming up on her agenda, she does. Plus, her mom's on her ass about working so much and not dating since a bad breakup years ago, and it's compounded because baby sister just got engaged. (Mom is bionic woman Lindsay Wagner. She's not really bionic. Google it, youths.)

Dude is in a situation where he's not advancing at work because scuzzy kiss ass co-worker is shmoozing with boss during off hours because boss doesn't invite the single people to brunch or whatever with him and his wife, he's only inviting the ones who he knows has a partner to bring. I know to some of you this may sound absolutely ridiculous but, um, I've experienced this many times. This is not out of the realm. Not even a little bit. I had a gay boss who understood how this happens (likely because he experienced it) and he was wonderful about including everybody. Otherwise, yeah, I been there. I've digressed.

The leads have good chemistry, there was great snark and back-and-forth when they met each other a couple times prior to the set-up ('cause you guessed it: the app paired them with a high %age of compatibility - his sister suggested he do it after he heard about it on the news and he told her of his situation) and they click really well. There's touches of shmoop, of course, but this was an above-average story amongst the typical Christmas dreck, so it makes the rec list at 4/5 stars. 

Your rec list is now:

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

(5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

That's all, kiddos! See you next time for the worst of the worst, complete with screencaps. You will *not* be disappointed.

#10

Okay, if I'm gonna get to the fanfic-y-est of all the Christmas movies - and it will easily take up an entire post -  we gotta tear through a bunch because the season's almost over and you're not gonna have time to avoid/find these, depending. So we'll hit a high point first (because I've added to the 4-to-5 stars you-should-actually-watch-these rec list), and tear through a bag of mixed nuts, including the third David Haydn-Jones... treat... nah, this third one is the best (?) so far... though, um, that ain't saying much. Woof. Yeesh.

As a reminder - 3/5 means they aren't exactly a waste of time, 2/5 are debatable/up to personal taste,  and of course 1/5 means I will never get that time back and I'm that much closer to death because of the movie and what it drained from my soul.

Let's kick off with one that may be my favorite, and got a 5/5 score, update the ol' You Should Definitely Watch This rec list...

.

Love At The Christmas Table 

(Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson, the guy who played Luke on Gilmore Girls, several character actors you'll recognize, and the lead dude is familiar too though his name doesn't ring bells - Lifetime)

Look, from what I can recall, ol' Danica was fine in "Wonder Years", but as I mentioned in a past post, something has happened over the years and girl can't act. It's distractingly bad, because she's typically paired with heavy-hitters (even if they aren't well known). So I'm not sure if it's that she and the lead male really clicked or she really clicked with the director, but it was night and day. This movie is also from 2012, so maybe it's just been tough going acting-wise since then. In any event, don't let any other of my other reviews of her dissuade.

But the script and the direction are both *fantastic*, and I suspect it's partly because the concept was kept nice and basic: A man realizes that his best friend since childhood is the one. Boom. Lots of room to get some good character development and plot progression, and they did, since it's not bogged down with a bunch of extraneous stuff.

There is so much delight packed into the first half hour, you will be grinning. The execution of it is nicely done, too - as we go through the years, each Christmas is prefaced by "Age ___" to let you know how much time has passed, and they look subtly different in appearance and attitude each time. The parents are phenomenal, you're going to enjoy each one of them. The interactions between all parties feel real. And more on feels, this almost feels like a play - it takes place in a house for like, 90% of the movie. But every set is very cozy and crowded with things and/or people (in a good way), and nothing seems like it was perfectly placed, it's how these locations would actually realistically look.

The worst thing I can say about this movie is that I really wish the two leads were other people. They had fantastic friend chemistry, but I tell ya, not a ton of spark when it started bending romantic. And there are plenty of actors who look younger than their age, and maybe that's what this needed, more mature actors who could realistically be shown as teens with some sweet hair/make-up magic. Or, again, could be Danica. I don't know. But she comes across *legions* more relaxed in front of the camera here than in others I've seen her in, so that little bump in road aside (and truly, it's not intolerable - it's noticeable, that possibly poor casting of them, but it's not going to pull you out of the story).

You're going to love the last fifteen minutes, what she does for her dad, how he's walking and talking with his parents when she sees what----- I can't say it. I *genuinely* do not want to spoil this for you. And then the very-very ending is *chef's kiss*.

I want you to watch this movie, especially you who are fans of friends-to-more. Because, I mean, there's a STORY, thank you lord. It's not regurgitated same-ol', same-ol'. This is a really great character-driven piece, and honestly? I wish it had gotten optioned to be on the big screen. I think it could've really been included with other heart-grabbing, fan-favorite romantic Christmas movies.

5/5 stars

The (now newly) updated rec list of well-worth-your-timers:

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark) (5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark) (4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

.

Christmas At The Palace (Not a person you'll have ever seen or heard of, ever - Hallmark)

I've regrettably watched "Christmas At The Palace" once through completely, and three times caught blocks of it because I basically leave these channels on all day, then when I pass by the remote, I'll flip through the main four giving us "originals" (Hallmark, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, Lifetime, and the JV team over on ION), and that's that. This one has clearly been on *constantly*. And it sucks. Not one person - I'm not exaggerating - not *one* *person* in this movie can act. If you've ever imagined yourself in a movie or TV show and thought it impossible? Please let this movie give you hope. You can do it. Someone hired these people, they'll hire you.

Gives me hope writing wise, as well. What a septic tank of a script. Check it: once again we find ourselves in a royal circumstance where the prince is widowed or needs to get married because of blah-blah-law-queen -and-king -insist, who cares. This time though, he gets his Christmas boner --- I MEAN --- spirit via a former almost not quite professional ice skater. Seriously, they make a point to say she didn't make the Olympic team and isn't on the pro circuit, she choreographs for this travelling show thing. I mean characters with flaws, sure, but they shit on her in the first fifteen minutes. The whole movie in its entirety is embarrassing to watch. There is minor redemption in the (standard) best friends (one for each of the leads). They are.... tolerable. That's it, I almost said "okay", but I can't because they're so grating in most of their scenes.

And the two main gals? The lead and the best friend? Won't. Quit. Fucking. Smiling. I'm not exaggerating this - they are smiling easily 90% of the time. It is incredibly irritating. And there is zeeeeeeero chemistry between the prince and the ice skater.

Skip it. I can find something that's garbage enjoyable  in a So Bad It's Entertaining way, but this one is absolute stank garbage, and they are pimping it like it's the second coming.

1/5 stars

. Christmas In Tennessee (Rachel Boston [again], Andrew Walker, some kid with really jacked teeth, Caroline Rhea, and Patricia Richardson - Lifetime)

Aw, shit. Here we go. After the Graceland one with Kellie Pickler (which you'll not see me report on here because I couldn't sit still long enough to watch it because she can sing, but she sure as shit can't act) my hopes are not high, though they *were* renewed to a great degree with "Every Other Christmas", which if you'll recall is on my rec list for you.

Bakery. Christmas pageant. Real-estate suits coming after the teensy town to build a ski resort. One of them is cute man. She is cute baker. She is also a single mom. And there's a mysterious sweet woman "Mrs. C" who *loves* the cookies - and so did her husband "Kris" [wink-wink]

:: sighs ::

At least nobody's trying and failing to fake a Southern accent, god and small favors and all that.

Listen, all I want is for there to be some originality. That's it. I'm not looking for perfection, I mean, that's subjective, after all. (Well.) Just fucking... I mean, look: don't make her a single mom, to start. Don't make her a baker, second.  Keep your ski lodge in small town thing, fine, that's the conflict between them. But hey, what if she's the mayor? Have a Leslie Knope, politics-oriented, civil-service type as the lead character. Somebody who can go toe-to-toe and not have to sugar-sweet-charm her way around shit.

In any event, good acting from the leads, Caroline Rhea and Patricia Richardson are always good in everything, and there's some nice snappy dialogue. It's not too terribly saccharine. Fuck, fine, I'll stick it on the not a waste of time list it unless something goes way haywire. [time passes] Okay. I has a lil' smile on my face. It actually didn't typical too-too hard. The lead actors were great, everything seemed easy and casual between them. Too bad the plot was weak. Still though, didn't leave me feeling it was a total waste of time.

3/5 stars .

~ Let's do an Alicia Witt Trifecta! ~

. Christmas at Cartwright's (Alicia Witt - Hallmark)

"Nicky is a single mother, unemployed and broke at Christmas and desperate to find a job in order to make her young daughter's holiday a happy one. With the aid of an angel, she gets a job as a department store Santa." - It is pure cheese. Alicia Witt should stick with drama, hundred percent, it is astounding how pedestrian her acting skills become when she has to get sweet/touching/emotional in the absence of any heart-grabbing stakes (think Lily Sunder). So anyhow, this is some piss-poor amalgam of Miracle on 34th and It's A Wonderful Life, but I'm giving an extra star because kudos for making the chick the Santa. 

2/5 stars . Christmas on Honeysuckle Lane (Alicia Witt, Colin Ferguson, Laura Leighton - Hallmark)

This almost got off the naughty list purely because Colin Ferguson is a fucking delight in everything he's in, he's one of those "elevators" as I call them - Mark Sheppard is another good example - because they elevate anything they're in, however shlocky, and if it's actually good, they help make it even better. This, according to my notes, is "exposition dumps coated in cheese", and it's that ol' chestnut of the saving the family home and oh noes dead parents and big city gal back in town and wow she's gonna stay! You've seen many iterations of this movie, don't bother. The house is fabulous, though, I'd live in it in a hot second. 

2/5 stars (and that 2nd star is only for Ferguson - as stated before, Witt should stick to drama vs. awwww stuff)

. A Very Merry Mix-Up (Alicia Witt - Hallmark)

Once again, please welcome Alicia, this time en route to meet her future in-laws as a surprise to announce the engagement (well, and that he's been dating someone at all - he's a work-a-holic who never gets home much - matter of fact, he's stuck finishing up a deal and has to meet her there vs. ride together) and "through a serendipitous series of events" has to ride along with a dude who turns out to be her future bro-in-law, who proceeds to wreck her phone with a drink, and then wreck the car because he's distracted. The MD at the hospital tells them not to sleep for the next 24 hours and that they need constant monitoring.

(Couple things while I have you: The former is an old wives' tale, and as for the latter, if they need constant monitoring, they wouldn't be discharged, they'd be admitted for, you know, monitoring. Jeez this part was so stupid. It was so they could slumber party and bond. Because there was no other way to accomplish bonding than via stupid car wreck and representing med professionals as stupid. ::sighs::)

You know, this would be a great movie if the plot was that she was a con artist. It's not. But wouldn't that be great? And the romance comes in when she has a change of heart because shmoop-shmoop-shmoop first family Christmas she's ever experienced? WHY AM I NOT A SCREENWRITER HOW DO I SUBMIT THINGS TO PEOPLE

Anyway, we find out fiance is scum, and later we see that his family is stiff and cold and miserable and a bit *too* much of a contrast to the other family. There's a cookie baking scene, check. The leads have pretty good chemistry, though. But oh, quelle horror! Name mix-up! Wrong family! Oh noes! Anyway there's a thing with a story about grandparents and a clock that's legit creative and sweet... but at the very end, I don't get why t.f. he didn't put the ring they found on her finger.  This movie isn't a complete waste of time, there's just some choices in there that they whiffed that could've made it something special.  

3/5 stars

. Hey! Let's do another like that - but oh boy does this one take a turn.

Dashing Through The Snow (Meghan Ory, Andrew Walker)

You'll recognize Walker from the Tennessee movie with Rachel Boston, he's the one with the cheekbones you could cut diamonds on (no seriously, it's just skin on skull, it's mesmerizing) and you know Ory from lots of other stuff. Be warned: she is annoying as all-get-out in this movie, and it's tolerable, but it spikes every now and again into the I Want To Shake You territory.

This one is bugfuck bananas, and I am here for it.

So it's a eye-roll premise, she gets stuck when her flight reservation gets screwed and then there's no rentals so she and this guy who are going in the same direction agree to share a rental. 

Here's the thing: she's gonna work your nerves, I'll tell you up front. She's this whimsical perky but anal retentive ball of AAAAHHHHHH!!! SHUT UP!!!! that made me quit watching this movie the first time. I went back to it when it re-ran for one reason, and one reason only, and it is this:

After she makes a fuss at the counter to the attendant at the airport about her reservation being fucked up, when attendant is on the phone, she sneaks through to get to the other side (because, y'know - this is the Get On Plane side, over yonder is the Get Off Plane Side where it's easier to get to rental car vs. walking across the airport), and we learn that attendant wouldn't let her board and lied about the whatever was wrong and is on phone because homeland security or feds or whatever are there because some chick with her same name is an international criminal.

Phew! Out of breath.

Now, you have to overlook the fact of why would an international criminal who knows how to evade authorities all the sudden (a) use her real name and (b) make a fuss/a scene and (c) get herself caught all over cameras so that the authorities now know what she looks like for the first time in years. I'm warning you now. I know. I *know*. It's a piss-poor way of going about this, even though it does get explained in, like, the last 40 minutes and with a "Really?" sort of reasoning. But, interesting and unique plot, so I'll take it. There’s also a wonderfully cute puppy who lights up the screen, totes steals the show.

So, there's a "twist" that I didn't find to be twisty, I called it the moment ___ interact early on, but that's okay, I can let that go, I guess the endings of easily 95% of movies I watch (blessing/curse). But - AGAIN! - interesting and unique plot, so I'll take it. Only reason it didn't make a 3 is how annoying Ory's character is, and how stupidly they portray the FBI, with not listening to their top agent when he says "We're wrong - she had her identity stolen - call off the op." It’s not a “1″ but it may be a “3″ for you, you’ll have to make the call. But for me.... 

2/5 stars

. Hope at Christmas (The lead chick is familiar, her name is Scottie Thompson - Hallmark)

Single mom! Precocious daughter! Returns home to deal with dead grammy's house! Meet cute in bookstore! Mom not terribly into Christmas because kid will be with her dad! She slowly gets back into it! Plans on going back to big city! Ends up staying! Because lurve!

None of the acting was bad (I mean, the little girl is annoying after awhile), but as noted, the story is the same as most others. You make the call, folks. And you'll be able to, I've caught it airing after my initial viewing no less than four or five times, no joke.

2/5 stars . The Sweetest Christmas (Lacy Chabert - Hallmark)

This is about a gingerbread contest. It is boring as fuck. Skip anything involving Lacey Chabert, trust me, this is the only one I managed to make it all the way through, and believe me when I say it was touch-and-go, I had to make myself in order to give her a fair shake. I've never thought she could act, though, to me her voice is less delicate and more whiny, and besides, she's Poor Man's Jennifer Love Hewitt #sorry not sorry  

1/5 stars . Just In Time For Christmas (Doesn't matter, though William Shatner does show up driving a horse-drawn carriage - Lifetime)

Meet Lindsay, a young - too young to be up for tenure, bee-tee-dubs - psychology professor has to choose between a book deal and tenure track at a prestigious university versus accepting the marriage proposal from her longtime, totally adores, really loves him (they are VERY pointed about establishing this) boyfriend. But hey, screenwriters, got a thought, and hear me out: why not both? But I get it, since this movie is from 1975, oh shit sorry, 2015. Yeah, no. Pass.

1/5 stars

. And finally, DHJ.  This is gonna be short and sweet, because on the whole, it blew. But I'll tell you when/where you can watch the fourth, since I won't be covering it and it's gonna come on at an ungodly hour and I likely won't watch it. It sounds like ass.

A Bramble House Christmas (David Haydn-Jones, Autumn Reeser - Hallmark)

The premise is he's a children's book illustrator who comes to this little town under the guise of getting inspo for his next book, but really he's supposed to be confronting the nurse's aid to whom his now-deceased (and estranged) father left a shitton of cash, giving her an injunction (to the will) on behalf of himself and his sister.

But then, lurve. :::sigh:::

Understand up front that this is an hour's worth of "movie" that was stretched into 2 hours, man oh MAN did it drag. And there's all the typical: ice skating where one person sucks; cookie baking; tree decorating (with garish, not subtly-done product placement); also tree in the town square that is visited and "oooh"-ed upon; and precocious child with some oh-noes-sick-kid frosting on top. It is dreck. The premise, sure, okay, that's decently original, but the rest of the story is basic bitch in a bow.

At fifteen til quittin' time, it got straight dumb. She rushes off after she finds out the truth - on Christmas Farging Eve - packing up her and the kid and saying they're off to the airport. How? What? You got no ticket, bitch, where the fuck do you think you're going? Ugh. Idiotic.

One thing, though: if you can get to this in a manner that you can skip to about the 45 minute mark, do it. There is a *moment*. The way DHJ can pull an old Hollywood leading man *look* that says "My dear, I want to kiss you, and well" is a sight to behold.

2/5 stars (one of which is automatic, because DHJ elevates everything he’s in) . You can see the fourth DHJ movie - A Cookie Cutter Christmas - on Hallmark at 1 a.m. CST on Saturday the 22nd of December.

One last entry (#11, tomorrow or Sunday) then a #12 all its own for the pièce de résistance. I'm not overselling it. It is deliciously ridiculous.

#9

Candace Cameron Collection check-in: "Switched For Christmas" is absolute nutterbutters. It is ridiculous and it knows it, so it goes full throttle. I am really impressed with her acting, doing the identical twin thing must be a bitch and a half to film, and she pulls it off. The split screens are well done, too, and not just for TV movie, I mean it's good-good. I'm telling you nothing about the plot. It's sugary sweet, you'll get cavities, and it's not my jam but I couldn't turn it off so that means.... something, I don't know. There was no wine involved, I swear. It's on Lifetime.

But nevermind all that: I know I promised the fanfic movie to end all fanfic movies, but I'd forgotten I promised *before* that to talk about the next David Haydn-Jones feature.

So, last night (read: early this morning, and as of this writing so it may not have been last night at the time you read this) when insomnia struck (read: woke me out of a dead sleep to say HEY IT'S 2 A.M. AND SHIT'S KICKING OFF ON HALLMARK),  I groggily turned on the TV at about 15 after, and to what my wondering eyes did appear?

Hoo-boy. The look on his face says it all. 

Now, as you know, initially DHJ tried to dodge my investigation. It did not work. And I found him trapped between an over-the-cute-line-into-annoying cotton-topped child and Winnie Cooper in "My Christmas Dream" (Hallmark).

And sweet babby jeebus, did he carry this movie.

I like Danica McKellar in real life - not from having met her or something, I mean because she's a giant ol' nerd, she's a mathematical genius, legit (look it up, I can't do everything, I'm shouldering these movies, my brain can't handle it) and she *sparkles* in interviews. Having said that, she's got Claire Novak Syndrome. Put the actress who plays Claire (I can never remember her name, I've no idea why) in front of a camera and it's all dolly dead-eyes, one trick pony angst... and in everything I've seen her in, I've talked about it before, I won't rehash. Danica’s opposite in that she’s ooooooooverdoing everything. I would actually take some flatness. But it’s still Claire Novak syndrome because something fucking happens when the camera starts rolling and it goes unnatural and awkward to watch. Dunno what it’s about. Who cares, not why we’re here.

Anyway, I am only touching on this movie for DHJ purposes, otherwise I wouldn't bother, it’s not worth the time to watch or tell you about, truly. It’s not the worst, but even he seems to be phoning it in for the most part. So. She's a department store exec and he's an artist that's been doing handyman work, they hook up when his *incredibly* annoying child somehow gets to the store on his own to ask if his dad can work there, she gets him home, her car battery's dead, flirting ensues, blah blah biscuits, stir and bake til crispy, and it'll still be sloggy goo in the middle. It's just straight dumb. Don't waste your time. They have negative-integer chemistry, it's pretty embarrassing to watch, honestly.

1 out of 5 stars, and that 1 is all for DHJ.

.

That was short, let's pop off a couple more:

Marry Me At Christmas (I didn't note the network or the "stars")

Horrid hair gal meets sentient Ken doll-Archie Andrews hybrid whilst planning his sister's wedding on the fly. Small charming town. He's big city, Hollywood, specifically. Yes, it's the prince and the commoner tale but instead of a prince he's a movie star. Cue the blecccchh. As it's called Marry Me At Christmas, they kinda blew their wad in the title, the sister's wedding goes through as planned, so no drama ahead there.

I really can't say enough about how badly they did her hair. She's got super-curly hair naturally, and I'm not a hairdresser and even *I* know the answer isn't Weigh It Down With Product And Hard, Then Don't Even Finger-Comb It, So It Lays Flat Pancake From Scalp To Ear, Then In Creepy Porcelain Doll Spirals To Shoulders. She looks great when she's in a hat and it's an outdoor scene and it gets tousled. But it's distracting the rest of the time, is my point. Oh, then they inexplicably straighten it for the wedding - curly hair can look *gorgeous* in a formal updo. The one time they didn't leave it curly. 

Yes, this is the only thing worth discussing in the entire movie. Not even worth the bingo card. 1 out of 5 stars.

.

Speaking of hair:

Entertaining Christmas (Hallmark) - Jodie Sweetin, Brenden Fehr

Her hair, it's all I can focus on - it's this weird Southern mom bouffy thing when it's not pulled back somehow. Also distracting - and this is a lovely woman, if you've not seen her since she was a child on Full House - are the ill-fitting, unflattering clothing they've put her in. It appears Ms. Sweetin and I share an affliction of the stems, that being... (deep breath) ...hi my name is Nash and I have the legs of a linebacker. It's true. And not a ton of muscle definition, because when I do? Hoo-boy. Heavy-duty linebacker. Best they're left alone. 

Point is, if gals like us do skirts, it ain't flattering to go above the knee, it's just not, it wrecks the silhouette and makes our already chunky-monkey legs look even bigger. And dammit if they didn't do it to her, and not even bother to put her in tights. This woman has huge hooters and a tiny waist, they could've had her rocking some crisp black slacks or a pencil skirt that hit mid calf and a snug lil' cashmere sweater and BOOM, you're channeling Mansfield and Monroe. Bonus that she's a natural blonde. But no, let's put her in matronly above-the-knee shapeless polyester-looking dresses. Ugh.  

Okay, anyway - this is actually a decently inventive plot: she's the daughter of a Martha Stewart type, and she's "poised to be the new face of the brand" - problem is she suuuuuucks at all the cookie making and knitting and whatever. She's also of the thought that imperfections and unique family traditions are more awesome than the largely unattainable perfect-perfect blah-blah from mommy's magazine. I'll give them this: the mom is awesome and nice and kind and understanding, they were smart not to cliche it up and make her a hardass.

But even though it was a creative plot, it just slogs and is so bleh. If you haven't guessed the ending by that synopsis, I don't know what. It's, um... I mean... it's not great, but may appeal to some, so I didn't put it in the This Is A Horrific Attempt At A Nice Lil' Christmas Movie pile. Take that as you will.

.

Let us end on a semi-positive note:

Christmas Pen-Pals (Lifetime) - Sarah Drew (who?), character actor you'll recognize immediately (for those of a certain age, it's the dad from Family Ties), other people you'll never have seen before in your life

This should've been called Christmas Cupids because it's about a thing called Christmas Cupids. The people behind these movies are *killing* me.

This one's good, and mainly because the premise is great, it's about secret santa in a potentially match-making way, but hey could also make a good friend. The set-up is that Drew chick is a total brain and she wrote an algorithm for a match-making app but it's so scientific it's boring and as her business partner at said app company put it, it takes away the spark. Which is kinda dumb, because you get the spark when meeting the other person, ain't none of these dating apps giving you in-person spark. Whatever, they're losing users so they need a kick. I missed the part about how she re-worked an electronic app into handwritten letters, but that's neither here-nor-there.

I'm not gonna tell you who she ends up with - you'll guess it nearly immediately, don't worry - but know that even though it's predictable, there's several really sweet and unique moments that I haven't seen in all these other 50,000 carbon-copy Christmas movies. The acting on the part of our leading lady is a little extra, and the other lead is a little flat, and the flow/cadence to the story isn't quiiiiiiite there, but I'm giving it 3/5 stars, so it's not on the rec list, but not a waste of your time.

.

And just to recap the rec list thus far...

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark) (4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime) (5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

We'll see about doing a rapid-fire round-up next time, and maybe doing The Christmas Fanfic Movie That Out-Fanfics All The Fanfics And The Christmas Movies, but I legit want to watch it all the way through (I only caught the last half) so I can make sure I'm reporting accurately to the three people who are reading these (not bitter don't care doing it anyway).

I'm not overselling this, by the way. I'm not. It is *deliciously* bad.

#8

Okay, as a reminder, the only movies which I've given over 3 stars/would actually recommend you spend your time on (and keeping in mind that a "5" does not mean it's a great movie, it just means it's not overly sad nor overly shmoopy, and doesn't hit a grotesque amount of recycled plots on the bingo card) are: . (4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark) (4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime) (5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark) . Those last two we haven't talked about yet, so I'll cover 'em at the end of this entry - first we're gonna shoot through the ones that aren't a complete waste of time and have recycled shtick, true, but aren't teeth grinding due to the acting or directing or whatnots.

And we're doing this because next update, I'm going to spend the whole thing on where you can find the Whyenne some of you love so dearly, you reblog her every chance you get. It's her. It. Is. HER. Every mannerism, every word, every---- well, I'm spoiling. That's for next time.

Okay, these are all in the 2-to-3 Nash star ballpark...

.

Dear Secret Santa (Tatyana Ali, Lamorne Morris) --> there's too much singing for padding the runtime --> you may like it more/find it more satisfying than Sandra Bullock/Keanu Reeves "The Lake House", and that's all I'm telling you plot-wise

.

Kristin's Christmas Past (Shiri Appleby) --> it's exactly what you think it's about by the title --> there's a really cute, snicker-worthy scene near the start with her younger self, and part of it reminds me of the vibe of the rapid-fire convo in Mystery Spot

.

A Twist of Christmas (Vanessa Lachey, and someone called Brandon Zub - I think - who is delightful) --> A dad and a mom are shopping for their kids and their bags get mixed up and blah-blah-blah ensues because they're opposites in many ways, but I didn't find it terribly grating --> it's an adorable sort-of snarky-sweet

.

Road To Christmas (Jessy Schram, Chad Michael Murray) --> nice premise, he's a good actor, and she's... well... ::sigh:: --> this chick in everything I've seen her in... she apparently has one gear, and that gear is coked-up mouse that skitters everywhere with her barrel-curled hair vibrating around her head... but in this one, she chills as the movie goes, so it's tolerable

.

A Christmas to Remember (Mira Sorvino, Cameron Mathison) ---> This aaaaalmost got on the rec list but I can't because the plot is weaksauce "Overboard" (80s movie, Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell, it's hilarious)... -->...but it wasn't the worst, because these two are such good actors, they sell it, and it's sweet, and keeps good pace, so there ya go

Okay, to the goods - next time we'll talk about the ass disasters - and one specifically that I 100% guarantee the fluff fans amongst us will love, despite my ripping it a new one. Which I'm going to do. Because of all these I've watched, the one we'll talk about legit flabbergasted me on many levels.

A Very Nutty Christmas

I am slightly biased because Melissa is a friend of a friend (sister-in-law, specifically) and she is good people, a hard worker, and a smart (heh) cookie. She knows what roles she nails (sharp wit, no shmoop, strong chicks), so that's what projects she and her mother choose (they produce most everything Melissa's in), she stays in her lane, is my point, so if you agree with that assessment, then you're good to go, this is classic Melissa Joan Hart fare.  

She's a baker, but not some "Waahhh this is hard" sort, and there's no competition, it's nothing but what you'd expect - lotsa cookie orders at Christmastime, but again, she's not super-duper stressed, she’s got the appropriate level of “let’s go, people!”. Now, here's the cheese that I don't want to chase you away: her decorative Nutcracker comes to life (Barry Watson) and helps her out. 

I know, I knoooow. And listen, at the first scene with him, you're gonna think that Barry'll be working your nerves through the rest - I sure as shit did - but stick with it, he ends up being very charming. You may actually be wooed. The character is completely sincere in all he does and says, and you’re happy to see her have this sort of person in her life, because she puts a lot on herself, and boy is that totally relatable.

Other good stuff is you'll recognize all the secondary characters (their actors, I mean), with the exception of the ex boyfriend, but he's well cast, he doesn't play the smarmy too heavily. There's also a good song behind the (standard) montage for once, and smart smart smart is their limited usage of Tchaikovsky outside of the blip of the ballet that we see. And kudos for that, too, limiting the ballet's role in the movie.

The whole thing is tied up with a very satisfying ending. It's fluff done right....

The Christmas Ornament

....and here's angst done right.

This isn’t about an ornament being magical or something how you might think from the title, I promise. It’s significant, but not in some otherworldly way. The situation(s) are absolutely plausible, it’s a believable story, and there’s not all this exposition that explains the characters’ backgrounds, it all unfolds organically, and you’re honest-to-god rooting for them, no matter if the story has them together at the end or not - you’re gonna find yourself saying “I’m okay with this happening for them either way, whether they stay friends or if it evolves.” On that note, kudos to the writer: Cameron’s character is very empathetic and doesn’t push Kellie’s character, not even once - he pushes her to get “out there” and interact with people and be social more than she has been, yes, but in a good friend sort of way (and Jewel’s character is doing the same - it’s in the “we care about you” way).

And this movie looks *fantastic*. The cinematographer and editor gave it big-deal-theater-movie-level treatment, no kidding. Some beautiful shots, especially some lingering ones at the ice rink. Bless the music supervisors, too - no shitty distracting music, and no one (if memory serves) sang for an extended period of time, if at all (I really don’t think anyone sang). Jewel Staite is a treasure, and for once the side-friend was actually necessary to the story, she was well-used.

I also liked it because Kellie’s character is self-assured in many ways, fragile in some ways - in other words, she’s real and she’s relatable. I took issue with one teensy thing, I didn’t track with how it was she was the one to apologize for a misunderstanding, because she actually wasn’t far off base; what she thought made sense for (1) how he’d behaved toward her, and (2) what she’d seen, and (3) what she knew because of what he’d told her prior. In any event, that’s the only real “flaw” (and it could just be a Nash thing) that I saw. This one’s well worth your time. 

  #7

This entry’s about “Dear Santa” (Lifetime), part of the David Haydn-Jones quadrangle Christmas tangle. The plot sounds decent - cheese, but decent. I love Amy Acker, and I love DHJ, this should be a cakewalk.

[15 mins.in] Oh. Oh, my.

Yeah, I'm busting out the Cheesy Christmas Movie Bingo Card, it'll be at the end. Let's see if we can get a win. At a minimum, I think we're gonna be checking a lotta boxes.

Other than our leads, we have poor man's Sean Hayes as gay best friend (h/t @butiaintgonnaloveem) on the scene, and he's outfitted in hot pink chef gear - AT THE SOUP KITCHEN - so that everybody's clear he's a card-carrying member of The Gay. 

Shitty acoustic guitar riffs, cool.

Precocious child plays the flute... and shittily.

There's a homeless man whose shtick is that he won't come inside, never a roof over his head again, and I wanna know (do I?) where he's taking his dumps.

Related, the music continues to be shitty, and I mean toilet-clogging.

Ice skating "lesson", check.

Holy fucknoodles, two grown women are in a food fight. I do not get why Dollar Store Justine Bateman (the snippy girlfriend, the one that is so off-putting it is beyond the realm of possibility that this kindhearted and jovial man is even remotely interested in her despite knowing each other a long time) is so vitriolic, as she's known Amy Acker about five minutes. 

THIS MUSIC

Christmas wish, check.

The green screen effect behind rich mommy checking in from the Caribbean is such ass, I am shocked. You Tubers have better green screens. How do you fuck up a green screen? You're a goddamn cable channel whose focus is movies. TV local news manages to do it with weatherpeople multiple times a day.

Acker and Jones save this dreck. The kid ain't half-bad, either. But they are the types of actors that everything out of their mouths just flows so naturally, even when the plot is ass. I love this Angel-SPN match-up.

JEEBUS HAROLD CRICKET he just said that they are *five* *figures* *deep* in back rent on the soup kitchen and - I quote - "I guess the bank's out of good will".  DO YOU THINK?!

"I thought little girls loved to play the flute" is a line that was just uttered, and bless DHJ for actually getting it past his lips.

I forgot to mention, Acker's displayed some guilt a couple times now because earlier, there was a meet-cute (okay, apparently a near-run-over) incident with a mail carrier, a letter flew out, and - I *must* quote @butiaintgonnaloveem here again - then "instead of giving it back, she commits mail fraud and opens it." 

Now, the guilt is because it's the lil' tyke's letter to Santa, asking him for a new mommy (dead parent/spouse, check) and she's also feeling guilt over tracking them down (why? boredom? sure, that's gotta be the reason, because to remedy the letter situation, you glue that shit shut and stick it in a mailbox, it's just going to an incinerator at the mail station anyway), but it's this misplaced Christmas wish that perplexes me. It's not like she nicked a bill or a wedding invitation or something that's actually important.

I'M A GRINCH

Oh he owns a snowplow business? That name again is Mr. Plow (Simpson's song ref, google Mr. Plow, I'm sure it's somewhere). And it's the song I wish I was hearing, this music is eardrum-thumping. It is a slobbery wet willy. It is *achingly* bad.

He just stared longingly at her and licked his lips, FML.

Now Acker's acting like a snotface. I don't dig it. I'd be cool with her being sharp and not taking the shit from Justine but being classy about it, they've got her being balls-out bitchy.

Why is it taking so long for the wealthy girl to be like HERE IS CASH MONEY FOR YOUR SOUP KITCHEN YOU BEAUTIFUL CREATURE DAVID HAYDN-JONES --- like I get your charge cards or whatever are snipped, but go sell some jewelry or clothes from last season and shit.

She had the letter in her clutch? She's carrying it around with her? Why? WHY?!? I hate stupid  writing. I hate it. Worse is that it's lazy. HATE. Why was it in her purse? Because someone needed to find it. And there was no other possible way to accomplish that, than having one of your leads be an absolute fuckwit, right? GRRRRRRRRRRR that stuff just works my nerves.

The confrontation scene is good. Neither are over the top. 

Well how's about that? Her Christmas present check will cover the soup kitchen's debt!

Enough with the shitty guitar riffs, it's like I'm watching an SPN ep, and, no, that's not a compliment.

The longest montage for padding runtime is happening, and with another shitty song (but a tolerable one, despite the singer faking a lot of catches in her voice - I would know, I have a natural catch in my singing voice that I had to fight like a mofo for about six years in choir, but I've digressed, just tuck that nugget into your Nash file), showing Acker moping and DHJ sighing, then him running by the soup kitchen to sit in his snow plow and angst, and then....

....oh lookee there! She did the thing. Sean Hayes - in a sheer v-neck inexplicably over a long-sleeved cotton shirt like I'm presently wearing because it's what I lounge/sleep in, with a Coach neckerchief to top it all off (on god, I cannot make this up) - is now sassing DHJ, saying the letter thing was fate. And I mean... yeah, it was, right? Whatever, if DHJ was single and I had the chance, I'd be happenstancing my way near him as much as (and smoothly as, natch) possible.

I CAN BE SMOOTH SHUT UP

Smooches near the town tree square or whatever it is. And now we're back, and now the homeless dude has agreed to come inside, and we still have absolutely zero idea why he doesn't like being inside, and they have (checks time) less than 2 minutes to resolve it.  *see below*

Nope. That's it. That's how it ends. The homeless man came inside. Because that was the primary arc. 

No. It wasn't. 

It should end with us seeing him come in, sure (I'll ignore the boom of Chekov's Gun firing in the background), but we end NOT with the moment between DHJ and random homeless dude - which, again, let me be clear is *exactly* what happened - but rather with him coming in and all the rest of the homeless comrades and staff and Acker and Jones greeting them, then we see our two main characters and the kid sitting down like a family, pull back, we see them through the window in which Christmas tree lights are reflecting, pull back further, it starts to snow, cut to credits. 

Imma give this one 3 stars outta 5. It wasn't a total ass disaster, but it wasn't that great. It was okay. The Bingo card concurs, as it didn't get filled up, but it got damn close to being a 2/5 (in my mind, every bingo = a point off because it means it’s so unoriginal a damn bingo card could’ve written it):

Addendum:

Butiaint reports that "the homeless guy wouldn't go inside because the last building he walked into was a casino and he lost 'every last penny', so he could never 'just step inside ever again'," to which I, very calmly, replied --->

I'll do an addendum.... that still doesn't... I don't.... what? That's.... why not just say he can't make himself sit down for a homecooked meal because it causes him too much pain because his family died in a car wreck going out Christmas shopping and a dinner/meal was his last memory of them? It didn't need to tie into the money thing with her, that thread was fine on its own.... goddamnit I hate stupid writing

.

Back to quick round-ups and arbitrary ratings of a bunch of movies in the next one, once I get my notepad transcribed.

  #6

For some reason, this whole entry morphed into a recap of "Holiday High School Reunion" with Rachel Boston (Lifetime). You'll recognize this gal, she's been in others for Lifetime, and I personally recognized her for the pretty damn entertaining, sadly short-lived Witches of EastwickEnd series. It was a fan-frikkin'-tastic cast of awesome women, they made any sloggy scripts watchable. I digress.

I immediately empathized with this character because not even a quarter of the way into the movie she's (a) dreading her high school reunion, and (b) hates social media because she doesn't wanna have to justify/be asked about/etc. her life, as she's not where she wants to be. I personally would add onto that the distinct apathy regarding the details of everyone's life. It's either veneered in fabulous or dipped in drama-filled Debbie Downer. Blecchhh. I've digressed again.

There's been a brief funny daydream - if they do more, I'm in, it was pretty cute. And there's been a brilliant piece of screenwriting in this movie, and I want to share it for my writer buddies because it was a *pristine* show-don't-tell.

(Let me say here real fast, to paint you a picture,  that she's dressed casually - hoodie, and I think lounge-y pants or maybe pajama pants, or maybe just jeans, can't recall - because it's clearly way past end of workday, and the character I'm about to talk about is in a crisp white button-down and tie and suit slacks.)

Her father arrives to find her on a porch that's covered in strings of Christmas lights wound around the poles/pillars/whatever you call them of the railings, and around the trimwork of the house, and they're these great pops of vivid colors in the night, first of all. So we're seeing her standing there, smiling and happy to see him, and what's in the foreground is a series of bulbs along the window or door frame, and one of the bulbs is out.

Instead of truly greeting his daughter, first thing he does as they barely start chatting, and while she's speaking, is saunter over right into frame, blocking our shot of her, and give that bulb a twist til it lights.

My immediate thoughts: He's a dick. He likes everything just so. He enjoys perfection. He's not interested in effort, just execution. He zeroes in on faults. He actively ignores/doesn't care about the fact that his daughter is happy to see him. He doesn't consider her important enough to receive his attention first and foremost. He's a supreme dick. And he's gonna make her feel like shit for where she is in life, which is her biggest insecurity, which he should know, because that's how good dads operate. But he's not a good dad. Not at all. And I bet he's about to donkey punch her feels.

All that from a twist of a bulb.

And I was right: he proceeded to make her feel like shit by being snotty about her job and comparing her to his golf buddy's daughter. Then she still managed to sit back down at her laptop and focus on what she was doing and smile a genuine smile, and now I like her and feel for her even more. No one would have blamed her if she cried, or snapped at him, or slammed her laptop closed and had an Angst Attack, and those would be writing choices too. But the choice is for her to make the best of things.

We also know this because it is reinforced with another good show-don't-tell via actions (versus her announcing it ad nauseam or other people saying it ad nauseam), when red punch gets spilled on her white dress at the reunion and the snobs are like "Ohmigawd!" and gasping, she goes "Well I think it looks kinda cool!" She does snag a cardigan because she's aware it's an eyesore, so yeah, she's lying to herself. It's clearly a survival mechanism, her childhood must've been a dream with a father like she's got (rolls eyes).

And the lie(s) she tells is to avoid the drama of not living up to the "Most Likely To Succeed" superlative, and even then it's a relatively minor lie, she's not making herself super-duper fabulous because she doesn't feel super-duper presently. She's cheerful without being obnoxiously Pollyanna, and her dynamic with her best friend (you'll recognize him, too, he's the dude who dated Regina George and who Cady had a crush on in "Mean Girls") is phenomenal, they have great chemistry and I'll be honest, I see where this is going and I've got some faith in these screenwriter(s) that they'll actually pull it off smoothly.

There's been a dance/song routine and it is horrific and I hate it. I hate it hard. It's stupid and lasts too long and is purely for padding the runtime. But. It had a good point, albeit one that could’ve accomplished in less time. The three queen bees who were her fake friends in high school, and are her fake friends now, all remember this routine to a pristine degree, and of course we see our girl whiff it the more it goes on, she knocks over a prop, turns this way when she should've turned that way, and I feel her - high school is utterly forgettable. 

I’m about to digress, so skip the indent if it doesn’t apply to you - anyone reading this who is currently a senior? 

Enjoy it, it's your last year, enjoy being kings of the hill. I liked my senior year for several reasons but the biggest one was that I was getting the hell out of there. I was liked, I was decently popular and I made good grades and was in honors choir,  but I wasn't top-tier popular or the head cheerleader or the valedictorian or homecoming queen or always having a boyfriend, none of that, and what I was? That stuff I just listed?

None of it matters. I've not been to any reunions, because I don't care to reminisce. Not that it was horrible or something, it was... *shrugs*. I'm still friendly with the people I went to high school with, ended up going to college with a couple of 'em, matter of fact, and I like who we are as adults tenfold vs. who we were in high school. Because as grown-up as you feel? You're a child. You're all children. I was a child. We were all children (even the couple of gals who, um, had children/were preggers before all was said and done and diplomas hit hands). We were. It just is.

So I assure you: the people who still wistfully think about high school, the ones who "peaked" in high school? There's something mentally still childlike about them, and I don't have the time nor the inclination to deal with man/woman-babies. I'm a grown-up. So believe me when I say that life is about to open up like a motherfucker. And if you did happen to peak in high school? Leave that behind, too. Resting on childhood laurels won't serve you well, because other than some of those accolades getting you into college? Nobody - and I mean nobody - in grown-up world cares about that shit.  

Oh christ another song. And a daydream (pseudo-flashback? hard to say, I was getting a snack). But again, more reinforcement of how high school doesn't matter to her but super-matters to others, in this case how she (former head cheerleader) didn't place give much memory real estate to how she'd broken off things with high school boyfriend (former quarterback), but it's like the first thing he asks about as soon as they're alone.

"Wow well... that was a long time ago," she says, starting to think back, then ultimately says - "I thought you were cheating on me."

He totally was, I don't even need to see a flashback, hundred percent, he's scum.  Whoa shit, speaking of - another flashback whilst kissing him, but whoa shit part two, it went to a fun, happy memory with best friend. Not subtle, this movie - of course she'll end up with him.

The divas are now in the bathroom gossiping about her and don't know she's in there. Again, the not caring, this time more blatant - "She ruined the routine!" - "It's like she doesn't even care" - "Can't believe she broke up with him on prom night" - "He deserves better".

One of these bitches was the one he was cheating with, no doubt. They also talk about how one of them called around, found out her job wasn't what she passed it off as, that she's a wardrobe assistant vs. a right-hand-(wo)man to this swank designer. The Queen Bitch calls her "nobody", and the minor bitches are saying how they're her best friends and wondering why she wouldn't tell them the truth. Hey, cheerleaders: Gimme a D! Gimme an E! Gimme an L! ....fuck, this is gonna take too long.... Gimme a USIONAL! What does that spell? DELUSIONAL! *pom shakes* *high kick* *herkie* *round-off-back-handspring*

Oh lord why is she doing a weird impromptu cheer routine.... best friend jumped in to support and encourage and some people seemed to get into it but... the fuck? These screenwriter(s) are either on point or left field, jeebus.

Speaking of field, she and best friend are out lying on the football field, and they're talking fun memories - as in, the only ones that are vivid in her mind are the ones involving him, and vice-versa. I will give them this: the flashbacks are cute and short and don't derail the momentum. They're really well done. The songs are the whiff.  

Now the queen bees are discussing their next routine. THE !!FINAL ROUTINE!!! AND SHE HAD A SOLO! (Why the shit are they performing routines at their reunion? I've heard tale of slide shows and videos and stuff like that, but fucking stage shows? Damn I hope that punch is spiked.) One of the minor bitches - the sweet ditzy one - is weeping loudly when Queen Bitch says our gal's officially out of their glee club. But she says "glee club", as in... they're the only 4 members? No other members are in attendance at the reunion? Looks like it was a big-ass graduating class.  ????  Got me.

Our gal's mom - who is MARILU HENNER DID I MENTION THAT and has been woefully underused thus far - has overheard. Commercial break. I need a Mountain Dew.

We're back. Marilu is completely opposite of Dick Dad. Now we're in a random B story where one of the bitches is flirting hard with the principal.... and the mic's hot. But she ain't embarrassed, says she'll meet him wherever someplace at midnight.  Oh and I forgot that best friend's not-really girlfriend flew out to join him as a surprise and he'd been like "Wha..." and she serves no purpose. Even now, when she gasps and squeals excitedly "Oh you're in love with her!" She ain't mad, and good, because nobody cares. And she's all pumped because she's made lots of friends with these people she'd never seen before in her life.

Fucknoodles the !!!FINAL ROUTINE!!! is bad. Now the solo. Our girl's taken the stage and Queen Bee didn't put up a fight, just stormed off. And here we go: she's making a speech about how she's not yet lived up to the Most Likely To Succeed, but their votes meant a lot to her, and she's not giving up. It's good shit.

And then they start chanting her name (it's Georgia, btw).

And then she starts her O Holy Night solo.

*sigh*

This movie is well-written but there's *so* much unneeded padding to the runtime. And she's on key and there's nothing wrong with her voice but it's nothing special. So what? Lots of people can sing in tune. I don't get it.

Flashback. Yeah, totes cheating, and he admits it - which, if she remembers, then that contradicts the earlier conversation when he denies it... huh? - and now she's in the gym, where she's bummed about the breakup. Best friend rescues, gets her up and dances with her for the last dance.

Have I mentioned that everyone looks identically the same? And we're supposed to be ten years out? Seriously. Hair and everything. Except for - and I don't know why - the bitch trio. (Dear Wardrobe and make-up departments: WHAT.)

So yeah yeah yeah, they share the last dance at the reunion because the whole thing was a fucking talent show-prom do-over (reunions are just not like that, y'all, I know I haven't been to one but my mother has - helped plan one, matter of fact - and they aren't Prom Part Deux, nor are there glee club and cheerleading routines, nor are they scheduled around major holidays. Dear Writers: ALSO WHAT.)

Ending is rushed and is stupid. Holy shit, they whiffed it. They actually ended on the totally unneeded B plot of the prinicpal seduction (which, by the way, consisted of a whopping 2 scenes... possibly 3, clearly it made no impact). This is the stupidest thing, they ended on such a bad note it leaves an icky taste in my mouth for this movie.

This one gets 2.5 stars out of 5. It had 3.5 for most of it, and then when we hit that first routine at the reunion, man did the points start coming off. This was classic fanfic: a ridiculous premise, sure, there’s things you have to overlook out of the gate (like, say, how nobody sane would plan a farging high school reunion at Christmas, at least not if they wanted actual attendance) but the execution’s great for the first half and then something happens and brains melt and it swerves into oncoming traffic and gets hit by The Trope Bus. ::sigh:: Ah, well. 

Ermahgerd, "Christmas Shoes" is coming on *warning lights flash* * dives for remote, goes to safety of Hallmark Movies and Mysteries immediately *

Next entry: part one of the David Haydn-Jones Christmas movie trifecta. Finally caught one. It stars the chick that played Winnie Cooper.  And holy jumping Jiminy Cricket, was it bad.

#5

Candace Cameron will star in any movie that’s Christmas themed and I am determined to watch all of them. She’s typically cursed with a snoozeville co-lead. The Alaskan doctor one isn’t bad. The executive who’s there to examine the lodge one is absolutely snore-worthy. The one about the saving dad’s business with nutcrackers one is pretty okay. I am actively avoiding the newest one about magic shoes. Christmas shoes never ends well.

Double feature with someone I vaguely recognize as being from a CW show in the early aughts, but clearly not one I actually watched, or I’d remember. Anyway, broad strokes: one is from a couple years ago, she’s a single mom and there’s this locket with a nautical star on it that’s literally, um, locked, and..... it’s not brought up again til the end. You’ll know the movie because you’ll think to yourself “This doesn’t know what it wants to be” - is it about the locket and how it was a gift from her mother and she lost it and it was somehow pivotal to discovering who her birth father was? Or is it about the custody battle with the asshole ex-husband and her losing her job and being evicted? Or is it about the meet-cute then “crossed wires” recurrent situations with the shop owner’s grandson? I have no idea. But there’s precocious kids and a bakery. It had potential, and that actress is good and so was the co-lead, but script = hot mess.

Second one is about a poinsettia farm and stars Bo Duke/Jonathan Kent, depending on your generation. She’s from the big city and she’s a-comin’ home to save the family business! I assume she meets someone at a bakery, I wasn’t pulled in at all, my remote finger got real twitchy, but when I flipped back toward the end, surprise! She’s a-stickin’ around, she’ll run the family business, don’t sell the farm, screw her life at the other place with the things! 

I actually have another recommend: “Operation Christmas”

Solid script, and hella fine acting by one Ms. Tricia Helfer. I have loved her since Battlestar Gallactica, SPN fans will know her as the lady ghost on the road who doesn’t know she’s dead. That chick. Killa actress. You wanna talk about a good crier on camera? Top tier, here. My cold, black, shriveled heart actually giddy-up’d and I possibly got misty when she bursts into tears in this movie. Also stars Marc Blucas, who Buffy fans will remember as Riley, and I like him, too. 

There are precocious kids, and this coulda gone cheaply exploitative with the military angle, but it sticks the landing with only minor wobbles, it hits heartwarming vs. cheese. There’s an odd fixation on singing in the back half (several characters singing solo at various points), and it’s awkward to watch (and hear, because of the distinct shift your ears will detect between the “on set” and the “in recording studio” audio) because with the exception of one, when they blend it into a professional singer whilst slipping into a wee montage of Christmas tree delivering - or unloading, I can’t recall, who cares - the songs go on Way. Too. Long. 

Except.

What they did during the talent show during the Silent Night number? That sing-a-long? Now, that I wish had been a little longer. A+ job, screenwriter(s). The very-very end was saccharine, but it was short, and that’s what counts because I realize you were trapped, this is Hallmark Christmas movie we’re talking, you had to do it, you’d been steady through the rest of the script, they wanted their shmoop, no one blames you.

Something called “The Sound of Christmas” has just come on, and there was so much exposition dump in the *first* *three* *minutes* that the titular sound is actually gonna be the click of my remote control. Oh lord looks like the lead male is poor man’s Ray Liotta who’s a high-powered blah-blah-blah. And seems it’s precocious child: petulant teen edition. I’m out.

David Haydn-Jones continues to elude.

#4

Pattern detected: Plot--->

The conflict must be saving family business/home from certain doom

Business = service industry (store, bakery, gardening/plants/farm, lodge/hotel)

Female protagonist supes busy with her stuff and such in the big city; has to leave; returns; likely plans to stay forever

Precocious child, standard

Execution--->

One lead must be a notably better actor than other; neither may be on-point overall; if both are something, that something is teeth-grinding to watch and/or listen to

Exposition with (admittedly) necessary facts must come early on, and in dialogue dumps, preferably just one big fatty, and preferably between two people who already know this information vs. to someone who is not privy to this information

Character introduction/pertinent background must not trickle out organically over the first act via showing their actions and other characters' reactions; just throw in with that plot exposition dump

A big gun was pulled out last night - Patti LaBelle was briefly in one, watched some of it, was glad to see an original plot (mostly; see above, re: female protag mold) but then I thought better of it, googled, and yup, based on a book. Ah, we meet again, Not Original Story. This morning, tangentially related, something-something-rich-dude-reg-chick, and they were named Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet #fml #gag #stay away #get Austen out of your mouths  

Presently playing is one whose plot sounds suspiciously like The Parent Trap: Christmas Edition, Nashville Style. Sort-of, I mean, we start there, then I'm not clear on where they drive to, but it's still Southern, and props to the filmmakers for not going nuts on the snow, someone actually did some research. I will also compliment them for only letting the folks who have some form of natural Southern accent/Southern cadence use it, the rest speaking in standard North American accents.

Now, two things: I love the Lohan version of P.T., a lot a lot a lot, and I'll hear nothing bad about it. Secondly, I'm going to refrain from commenting on shite Southern accents in movies in general, this one and elsewhere, such as in the Kellie Pickler Graceland-set Christmas one that aired yesterday that I could only tolerate in five minute increments as I flipped back and forth to Law & Order SVU frequently for palate cleanses #Mariska sorbet

But it got off to a good start,  the opening credits were creative and unique, and I recognize the lead actors. Kids don't seem terribly precocious. Hmmm.

I shall give it a chance.

[time passes; returns to draft]

It's not Parent Trap, summary was garbage, it's not about the precocious kids, and no one has a high-powered career, no one is filthy rich, and both lead actors are really great. The chick is Sissy Spacek's daughter, I've seen her in other stuff before, have always liked her, I think she's talented. I recognize the lead dude from something I've seen before, too, he's a bit of poor man's Paul Rudd, but good. There's a somewhat difficult grandma, but she's not unlikable, you kind of get where she's coming from, and it's because it's Dee Goddamn Wallace, the queen of playing mothers (youngsters, google her, you'll likely recognize her, leave out the goddamn when you do).  

The background music isn't overly country-fied nor syrupy-shmoopy twinkle-bells. The dialogue is actually decent and delivered believably by all parties. The kids aren't annoying. The side characters are just that, left to the side, there's no best friend/sister taking up screen time. The leads have an easy, natural chemistry. Holy fucknoodles, I might recommend this one to you. I'm actually watching this one. I'm legit watching it.

[time passes; returns to draft]

What I said above continued, then there was horse-riding and acoustic guitar and even a classic car. The chick wasn't the one leaving to go back to what-the-hell-ever. Nobody was pining for anybody, and the conflict at play was completely realistic. Okay, yeah. Recommend. Hundred percent. This is the angst-turns-to-love with a dash of domestic life AU fic many folks keep trying to write and not quite getting there (Hi, I'm Nash, and I'm supes blunt when I'm under-the-weather), then your bonus that it's set at Christmastime.

The exposition on backstory was done pretty dang smoothly, but better was that we weren't told who these characters are/were, we were shown. *And zero flashbacks* There's several great, snappy, shot-across-the-bow lines. There's a religious element that is pitch-perfect and appropriate and not overbearing. The ending song is a smidge too long, didn't need to hear the whole thing, but it's kept simple and the lyrics are sweet without being cheese, so I'll give it that. Pacing overall is a little wobbly, they probs could've trimmed a good ten-to-twelve minutes of runtime, and there's a side character who blips on the scene that was poorly cast as his lack of prowess sludges up the vibe (charismatic, he ain't, maybe he's somebody's spouse *ahem*), but this one's pretty solid, y'all.

It's called "Every Other Christmas", starring Schuyler Fisk, on Lifetime Movie Network - it just premiered the other night, apparently, so with rebroadcasts you should have plenty of opportunity to catch it.

Okay, back to the shmaltz.

#3

My dearest:

[cue old-timey, slightly depressing instrumental courtesy of rickety fiddles; narration by Ken Burns]

Exposition anvils continue to drop from the sky with abandon, though I’ve not succumbed to my injuries, have no fear. 

Alicia Witt was lovely in something about a novelist who was rejected by both successful novelist boyfriend and publisher, but then meets very successful other novelist who is hiding the fact that he is such. I only caught the last quarter. Disappointed in lack of fanfic about novelists. I tire of writing “novelist”.

Our regiment (myself, General Pup, and Lieutenant Pup) is currently surrounded by a tale of a stewardess who has gotten entangled with a dude whose daughter she was in charge of because unaccompanied minor on flight. Dude is the lead from “That Thing You Do”, he was the next Tom Hanks before Colin Hanks got old enough to fill that role. I am saddened this dude has not gotten mucho awards. None of this matters.

I am more of the sads that the flufferfic-ers have not stalked and mauled and chewed on the carcass of the premise of Whyenne being a flight attendant who captures Dean’s heart when she captures his vomit during a flight to wherever to do something. Or, scratch that; she magically cures him of his fears with her enchanted hoo-hah, because that’s how phobias work. And assuming there’s plot, the hunt for the whatever can take place on the plane, like that Harrison Ford movie or that Jodie Foster movie or that Kurt Russell movie. It would have to be a big-ass plane. They could still bang in the bathroom, even though there’s plenty of places to go.

I have no more plot to give, I am exhausted and according to the thing, you know, the thingy that tells what’s on next, there’s no restorative Candace Cameron in the near future. I may have to settle for one of the Duff sisters.

David Haydn-Jones remains elusive.

General Pup is barking orders. I must end here. Ever yours - Nash. #send vodka

[Transferred 2nd post]

#2

Report from the front line:

There’s been a Denise Richards bakery-related jam. Also a Lacey Chabert - who is a baker - jam. The first had a Christmas cookie contest, the latter a gingerbread competition. Not to be confused. Something with people I’ve never seen before in my life just started, about a big CEO and a bakery. Candace Cameron was in another one, and though it’s bakery-free, those are all starting to blend together.

Send rations.

[Transferred 1st post]

#1

I have felt like garbage and been homebound for two days, and then today (oh blessed event, and I am dead serious, I love it) the onslaught of Fanfic Movie Time has begun, a.k.a. Totes Ridiculous Christmas Situation Lurve-Conflict-Lurve Movie Season on Lifetime/Hallmark/that other network I can never remember the name of, and due to foggy brain I got sucked in. There was a king and ice skating, something about Louisiana with JDM’s wife where everybody’s hair looked horrendous, and then another one with Candace Cameron in Alaska. It was great. Legit. I haven’t laughed as hard. It helped me cough up disease. #bless you Candace

[the-rogue-mockingjay]

I wrote a thing! :D

It wasn’t what I THOUGHT I was going to write, but it’s something.

---

[The Inquisitor's desk is currently a mess, letters and reports piled in haphazard heaps on either side of her desk. Some letters she's shoved clean off to make room for a small vase of delicate blue flowers and an ivory halla figurine no taller than your pinky finger. In the center of the desk you see a letter that appears to have been written by Eden herself in a careful script, the letters somewhat bolder than usual, and not as elegant as how she usually writes.]

To my parents,

You may have heard the shemlen speak of their Herald of Andraste, their Inquisitor, and all the brave things she’s done. Perhaps you have heard them say that she has become one of their “faithful”, a devout Andrastian. And perhaps my silence seems to support that.

But…none of that is true. I haven’t written because I fear what would happen if someone tracked the letter to you. There are assassins at my heels, and far too many people who would hurt our clan if only they knew where you were. I’ve been silent in hopes of protecting you.

It’s been a number of months now, and I can honestly say that I like it here. I’ve been able to help so many people and I’ve made so many new friends, seen so many wonderful new places- and some of it alongside my friends Hawke and Fenris. Varric’s been here since day one, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thanked the Creators for him: you’d be surprised how much difference one friend among a swarm of Chantry people could make. And the shemlen have been for the most part kind to us- our ambassador, Josephine Montilyet, has ensured that Inquisition staff don’t call us knife-ear or talk bad about me behind our backs. Our spymaster Leliana is a good woman, she scares most of the Inquisition, but she recognizes the Chantry’s corruption and hopes to change it. Our commander is the former Knight-Captain of Kirkwall, Cullen Rutherford. When I first saw him, I bolted from the room, but…he has come a long way. He is not the man he was in Kirkwall. He’s beginning to unlearn the Chantry’s and Meredith’s lies. He’s fighting his lyrium addiction, and I’m helping him. Did you know that most templars go mad or die from the lyrium? He’s a lucky man, and a good one.

There’s also Seeker Cassandra. She, alongside Leliana, helped start the Inquisition. She has been a good friend to me. She and Warden Blackwall died for me when Dorian and I were sent a year into the future at Redcliffe. (Long story; I’ll explain it in full when I see you again.) Speaking of Dorian, Melanthe absolutely adores the man. They’re constantly sassing each other, sassing everyone, and they can barely go ten minutes without playfully flirting with each other. (She’s not his type, but that’s okay. She’s dating Solas, our resident expert on the Fade, and she likes to get Dorian’s opinion on pickup lines she’s thinking about using on Solas.)

Madame Vivienne de Fer, the First Enchanter of Montsimmard and enchanter of the Imperial Court, is…rather intimidating, but she’s trustworthy. Her knowledge of magic has come in handy quite a bit, and she’s practically an unofficial advisor. It’s thanks to her, Josie, Leli, and Dorian that I don’t look like a fashion disaster at every formal event. Vivienne also helped teach me how to be a Knight-Enchanter. She’s not as detached as she seems.

I’ve also been introduced to the Trevelyan family. Deirdre in particular has been working with us as much as she can. She’s a Grey Warden mage, a veteran of the Fifth Blight, and she’s tough as nails. Her brother Arlen was a brave man: he sacrificed himself to get some villagers to safety when Haven was attacked. And there’s a Rivaini/Antivan woman here, her name’s Lysandra. She’s Cullen’s second-in-command, and her husband Edmund is one of Josie’s diplomats. He’s also Deirdre’s cousin.

Melanthe sometimes does work for Leliana. She’s been training as an assassin when she’s not dragging half the inner circle and Tessa across Thedas. Feyrand mostly lurks in Skyhold’s basement; the hustle and bustle of Skyhold main unnerves him, but he’s learning that not every shem is evil, and he’s made some friends. Kellan’s dating Josie. Iolanthe has befriended a Trevelyan archeress, Yara Ilaine, and a city elf named Sera. She, Sera, Yara, Feyrand, and an Avvar girl, Anja, cause a lot of shenanigans around Skyhold (I won't lie: I've joined in on a few pranks). Maralah spends a lot of time in the library or the garden, and she's training to be a diplomat. She saved a lot of lives after Haven; she’s at least as good a healer as I am now, if not better.

I hope this letter finds you well. I have seen much in my travels, and I will see much more before this is done. I hope to tell you about it someday.

Soon, we go to Halamshiral, to attend the Orlesian empress’s peace talks. Halamshiral- the city, the home they stole from us. I will not go there and let the arrogant thieves forget what I am. When I face the imperial court, I will remind them that I am a Dalish First above all else. They will not silence me. They cannot silence our people forever. 

May the Dread Wolf never catch your scent.

Your daughter,

Nahra Ashinaya

---

I’ve also got a couple of other lil drabbles on AO3!

[mendeshoney]

Some Unspoken Thing

Summary: You’re an actress, a singer, and Shawn Mendes’ best friend. This is the two of you, navigating 2017.

February

Watching the snowfall outside from under your covers, you absentmindedly turn the page on your script, not really interested in the plot anymore. Valentine’s day is in a few days, and Shawn’s in town as your Valentine (like he’s been since you both became single not too long ago.)

You haven’t seen him since New Years day, having worked things through and agreeing to not forget that night (you couldn’t if you tried), and that whatever followed after that night would happen, and you’d both deal with things as they came.

He’s staying in a hotel this time around, not wanting to push the limits of your newly defined relationship and friendship, but also because he’s got a lot of promotion to do for the album and his upcoming tour, but he promised that after some radio interview he had today he’d swing by your place to hang out with you and do some “Valentine’s Day shit,” as he put it.

When you finally manage to turn back to your script and get immersed in the plot again, your phone buzzes from your nightstand, a FaceTime coming in from Shawn.

He’s leaning against some wall, wearing his grey Nike zip-up and one arm slung over his head lazily. He smiles at you when he sees your face, bright eyes and rosy cheeks welcoming your eyes.

“Hey honey.” He says cheerfully. “What are you up to?”

“Just reading this script. How’d the interview go?”

He winces slightly. “That’s kind of what I wanted to call you about? I didn’t want you to be surprised when you got notifications about it from everywhere and heard the sound bites.”

You sit up in bed, worried. “What happened, Shawn?” Did this idiot tell the whole world we had sex?

“Well, they were asking me about the inspiration behind some of the songs, and I kind of confessed that...well I confessed that I wrote ‘Ruin,’ about you.”

At first, you think he’s joking, but when you see the seriousity on Shawn’s face you start to freak out internally. You don’t say anything for a moment, thinking back to last year when he was writing “Illuminate” and if he ever dropped any hints, or if there were signs when you were dating your ex but you didn’t see them. You think back to that first time you two explored the others bodies last year, when he helped you run lines while living with you, and shut that away. That was a different time - a different night together, one that meant something.

This was a big deal - Shawn just admitted on the radio that he wrote love song about you and it was bound to be everywhere in minutes. You know you look stupid - sitting there with a look of shock all over your face, but you don’t know what to say. It explains the flirting, why he was so upset when he didn’t wake up to you New Years day, why that night meant so much more to him than it did to you.

You can tell he’s waiting for a response, and you’re about to say something, anything, when you hear giggles from somewhere in the room that Shawn’s in, and you see the corner of his mouth start to twitch. “You’re joking aren’t you? Please tell me you’re joking, Shawn.”

He remains stoic for another second before his face goes red, giggles spewing from his lips before he goes into his full bodied laugh. “I am joking, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! It was a dare!”

A large sigh of relief leaves your body as you lean back onto your headboard, flinging your arm over your eyes. “Jesus Christ I was literally going to chew you out.”

“Me?! Why?!”

“Because you’ve never kept secrets from me before!”

The DJ laughs. “I love that your first concern is that he’s kept secrets from you and not written a song about you.”

“That would’ve been the second thing I yelled at him about.” You mutter, moving your arm to glare at Shawn. “Are you done pranking me? Can I return to my script in peace?”

“Yes he’s done. Thanks for being such a good sport!” The DJ says. Shawn laughs, waving a quick goodbye and ending the FaceTime.

You toss your phone to the covers and scream into your pillow. What the fuck. It’s bad enough that you’re confused as hell about how you feel about Shawn since you slept together for the first time, but if he wrote ‘Ruin’ about you? And didn’t even tell you before he told the world? You have no idea what you’d do.

Angrily, you flip your script back open, trying to distract yourself by getting lost in the plot.

Ten minutes later, when you’ve calmed down enough, your phone vibrates on your bed.

“Please don’t be mad at me”

“Well his interview must be over.” You say aloud to yourself.

“I’m not, you weirdo. But don’t scare me like that again.”

“I won’t. But why’d you freak out like that?”

“What?”

“Like why’d you silent panic like that? Like it’d be such a bad thing that I wrote ‘Ruin’ about you.”

“???”

You get a FaceTime call from Shawn minutes later, his face set in a hard line. “Well?”

“Shawn, relax. I didn’t say it would be a bad thing. ‘Ruin’ is a great song.”

“I’m not talking about my songwriting skills. I’m talking about the fact that it’s about you.”

“But it’s not?”

“But if it was, why did you have a silent freak out like that?”

You sigh. “Shawn, I didn’t mean to, okay? It just caught me off guard. And it’s not a big deal. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings by not saying anything. I guess I just freaked out because there was a possibility of you not telling me something, and we agreed when we became friends to always be honest with one another, and that would’ve been something you weren’t honest about. Okay? That’s all. I’m sorry.”

He sighs. “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so worked up, I guess I’m just a little stressed out is all. I was looking forward to seeing you today and I didn’t know they were going to dare me to do stuff and I guess I just got mad that it might have messed up our day.”

Now it’s your turn to sigh. “It’s okay. It didn’t mess up anything. You didn’t mess up anything. I promise. Did you still want to come over?”

“Please.”

“Okay, well you have a key, so use it.”

“I have to change and grab a couple of things first, so I’ll be there in thirty minutes, okay?”

You’re laying in bed, scrolling through the movies on Netflix to see what you and Shawn could both watch when you hear your front door open. Footsteps climb the stairs quickly, and seconds later Shawn appears in your doorway wearing his signature grey sweatpants and a maroon crewneck sweater - drink holder in one hand, two grocery bags and a bouquet of roses in the other.

“Happy early Valentine’s Day,” he says with a shy smile. You return it immediately, sitting up and holding your arms out.

“Shawn! You didn’t have to do all this.” He places the roses on your lap and the grocery bags on the nightstand next to you before taking a Starbucks cup out of the drink holder and handing it to you.

“Of course I did,” he says. “I’m your Valentine, it’s my job.”

You roll your eyes, curling your finger to beckon his head down toward you. He makes a show of putting both hands behind his back and bending down, where you take a chance and kiss him soft and quick on his lips.

When you pull back, the shocked expression on his face makes you laugh, gripping your drink tightly so you don’t spill all over your white comforter.

“It’s also an apology,” he says sheepishly, “for the prank call.”

You pat the space next to you on your bed. “Water under the bridge. Come sit.”

He grabs his iced drink from the tray, carefully climbing over your legs before he settles in next to you, pulling the covers over his lower half as he leans back against your headboard. He takes his phone out, and kisses the side of your head gently, snapping a quick picture for his own personal collection.

“That’s cute,” you say, “send it to me.”

He does as you ask while you press play on some movie, not paying attention for the first couple of minutes while he scrolls through his photos that he has of the two of you so far. There’s about a little over a thousand in the album he has dedicated for your friendship, just moments he’s captured and saved to look back on when he’s missing you, or when he just needs a pick me up.

Shawn will never be able to thank Johnson enough for introducing the two of you.

You and Johnson were friends - and it made sense that you were - you’re both extremely intelligent and knowledgeable about a lot of things Shawn had no clue about. He and Gilinsky would often look back and forth at the other listening to you and Johnson talk. Shawn felt bad at first for becoming such good friends with you because he didn’t mean to make Johnson feel like he stole you away, but Johnson didn’t seem to mind.

“She’s not mine to begin with bro,” Johnson had said. “She’s nobody’s anything, just her. That’s what makes her so cool. You know? Got a mind of her own and she’s just going through it all with us.”

Shawn thinks Johnson might’ve been drunk when he said that. He chuckles at the memory, and you draw your attention from the movie to raise a questioning eyebrow at him.

“Everything alright in there Mendes?” You say, waving your hand in front of his face.

He takes that hand and laces his fingers through it, plopping it between you both on the bed. “I’m fine,” he says, “Just thinking about when we met.”

You laugh out loud, remembering the eventful day it was. “You thought I was insane.”

“I did not!” He protests. “I just didn’t know you were so lively.”

“Lively? What a word choice.”

He flushes hard, rubbing his thumb over your hand. “You just took my by surprise, is all.”

You kiss his cheek, resting your head on his shoulder. “And now look where we are.”

He presses a kiss in return to your hair. “Yeah.” He thinks he wishes you were in a different scenario, making out under the covers or even naked while he held you, but he thinks this will have to do for now. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

[bookwormguri]

Another Do5 Update: New Apology Video

Important things to note: The rest of the Do5 videos have been privatised/taken down, now including their previous apology blame video. 

I will not link to the video. I will summarise it as evenly as I can manage and put my own thoughts under the cut.

Heather says, “This week has been the worst week of their life” but she also says it is a result of their “terrible parenting decisions.” The tone of this video is very much them FINALLY taking some of the blame for what has happened.

Thing to note about editing: Anyone who watches the video will notice the odd fade to blacks in weird spots, even in the middle of sentences. I’ll talk about this more in my own interpretation.

Mike claims, once again, that he has been able to stand back and look at how their videos may have come across. “I acknowledge and respect how everyone feels about this and I do agree that we put things on the Internet that should not be there.”

Heather says if she had seen those videos on the Internet, not knowing the people, she would be thinking the same things. She says that after seeing the kids have fun with it, they started going more and more for the shock factor. (S/O to the train in the background noise)

She goes on to say that the kids think some of it is their fault BUT FOR ONCE she says, “But it’s not. We’re the parents and we should have made better decisions.” (Yes, yes, YES)

!!!!!! “We are now in family counselling because we need it. [...] We need it to come back together and have everybody, even the kids, to understand what we did wrong in all this.” 

They want to give back their kids normalcy, especially when they start school again. They end it saying they just wanted to make their kids feel happy and not to get any backlash for their “bad decisions.” They apologise again.

There is no mention of the videos being fake.

Now my thoughts:

I’m gonna get this out there first and foremost. There will be no forgiveness from me. Those kids will have to deal with this for the rest of their lives. So I will continue to never forget what these parents did for the same amount of time. That said, my forgiveness does not matter; the kids’ do. If they are in family counselling as they say, then I have hope the kids will eventually realise the gravity of their parent’s “bad decisions.” Whether they forgive or not is entirely up to them.

Now for the rest of the video. I 100% believe they either hired a PR person or someone approached them. There is absolutely no way that they prepared and filmed this video on their own. The fact that they even hired someone when for the past week they seemed content fumbling around themselves shows that perhaps very very serious consequences were brought up against them.

1. Their attire. They obviously made an effort to make themselves look more homely and picket-fence-like parents. Despite them beginning the video with their usual “Hello Team Do5″ they are transparently addressing those critical of them. Their base audience LIKES their non-apology, they LIKE their casual style. No, they were made up to come across more palatable. Note the mic on Heather. I can almost assure you that is not theirs and most likely belongs to whoever is their new PR person.

2. Context and Speaking. Right off the bat, there is a very good chance that this video is scripted from the way they talk (which brings into question if they’re this bad at acting how are all the other videos ‘faked’). To be fair, this does not mean it is not from their heart. There are many YouTubers who use scripts and can be sincere. It's just a matter if those words actually DID come from the heart or their new PR guy wrote something up for them. Also, notice that Heather is the one speaking the most. This is another tactic to assuage the audience and critics. As a woman, she is the more sympathetic of the two. In addition, while people are outraged at BOTH parents, it is on the DAD’S channel and the DAD’S twitter getting most of the backlash (People have universally been calling it the DADDYoFive situation). Putting Heather in the spotlight instead of Mike alleviates some of the residing anger in people. 

3. Editing. I mentioned this before, but the video is editing in a very weird way. There are random fade-to-black cuts, very different from their editing style. I think I mentioned it before, but one of the reasons I doubted the pranks were filmed was because they often filmed with long, uncut shots. This is a prominent characteristic of their style. Even their last two ‘apology’ videos were all one shot. In addition, in previous videos when they were going for heartfelt and sincere they layered cheesy music underneath all their kids thanking the dad (sorry, I forgot the video name). This editing also shows someone else’s assistance in all this.

Now, despite all this, I’m not sure how to feel. One thing is for sure, I will not stop looking for developments with this family. It would be SO EASY for everyone to look away and for things to go back to how they used to be for those kids. BUT if those parents are sincere and honest about learning from their mistakes, going to counselling, teaching their kids how the parents wronged them, then perhaps this isn’t the WORST outcome.

But in the end, actions speak louder than words and right now we just have words.

[curtisandlewis]

Just Forget the World

Dean and Jerry

Safe for Work

Synopsis: (1,604 words) It’s 1955 Day after day Dean showed up to the set and played the waiting game for Jerry. Things weren’t the same between them. They barely talked and Jerry spent most of his time behind the camera rather than in front of it with Dean. One day Dean got so fed up with waiting he picked his own spot on the floor to lie down and forget the world. When his partner showed up he decided he wanted them to forget the world together.  

Special note: I wrote this fic in honor of Dean Martin’s 100th birthday I hope everyone enjoys it and can look past all of the horrible grammar.

In 1955 it was just another day on the set of Artists and Models for Dean. Jerry was gone again as usual. He was probably off somewhere rewriting a scene or directing or choreographing or singing....Dean didn't really care anymore. Jerry was getting worse especially since their director Frank Tashlin was encouraging him. Dean saw them together many times, since they started filming, talking about sight gags or directing. Frank let Jerry behind the camera way too often. What was worse was that he didn’t look at Jerry like he was humoring the kid. He looked like he genuinely believed in him.

The only place Dean wanted Jerry was by his side. That’s the only time it felt fun. More and more it was starting to feel like work. Coming to the set day after day and waiting and waiting and waiting. All of this waiting for Jerry was making him sick. If this kept up his partner wouldn't be the only one having nervous break downs.

At least Jerry's asshole friends weren't around. It was torture having to listen to their fake laughter.

'Oh, Jerry, you're so brilliant! A comedy genius! Better than Chaplin!'

Better than Chaplin...

Dean wouldn't know if Jerry was better than Chaplin. He never went for that pathos bullshit. If something was funny it was funny. You didn't have to add anything extra to it. The audience doesn't want to think about the human condition. Hell, they don't want to think at all. Make 'em cry? Make 'em laugh! That's what they want. Fall on your ass or tell a dirty joke. That's comedy.

Acting...fuck acting! Dean was no actor. He was a damn lucky singer who could memorize words on a page that's all. Him and Jerry got by for years without acting. They didn’t fake it. What the fuck did Chaplin have to do with anything? Dean and Jerry weren't Chaplin or Abbot and Costello or Laurel and Hardy. They were THEM. There was no one like Martin and Lewis. No one had what him and Jerry had. The audience responded to them because they weren’t acting. None of it was pretend. Everything was real.  

Dean's eyes would glaze over anytime Jerry would talk about love being the reason they were so sucessful but he did feel they had a spark. In the early days on the movie sets he was just having fun with his best friend. Being with Jerry made him feel alive. Whether they were on stage adlibbing or just playing pranks on each other between scenes. Dean bet Chaplin never felt that way because he never had a partner. He didn’t know what it was like to depend on someone.

Chaplin was the genius who answered to no one. He probably would make his partner wait all day because it was his movie and he was a genius. No one watched the movies for the other guy.

Dean looked around the set. He found an empty space on the floor. That was it. Dean lay on the floor. He decided he was going to lie here and just forget the world, forget his thoughts, forget everything, close his eyes and be back on that stage.

The laughter filled every space in the room. It gave Dean goosebumps and electricty throughout his body. Jerry was maybe an inch away from his face. Dean could see the fire in his eyes.

"Paul, if you're going to take a nap do it in your dressing room. I nearly tripped on you."

Dean opened his eyes and saw his partner. He didn't know why but he asked Jerry to join him. "There's a spot right here for ya' pally," Dean said patting the floor beside him. If it wasn’t work related Jerry didn't question Dean. He lay beside him crossing his hands over his chest and looked up at the ceiling.

After a short while Jerry let out a huff and said, "I've got work to do. I don't have time for this."

Before Jerry could get up Dean grabbed his chest forcing him down. "Take a break, Jer. Okay? Just this once."

Jerry didn't fight Dean and silently went back to his position. They lay there in silence for a few moments more before Dean spoke. "Do you remember back in the 500 club days in Atlantic City? That bench we would sit in while waiting to do the next show?"

"How could I forget? That was when my life finally began. Patti, the baby, and you. I had never been happier. I remember we would talk on that bench for hours about the future. All of this," Jerry gestered his arm "was just a dream but I knew in my heart, Paul, we would have everything. I knew because you were the best. You made me better. Nothing could stop us.”

"Not always, Jer," replied Dean.

"Huh?" Jerry said turning to him.

"We didn't always talk.” It was one of Dean's most cherished memories. Jerry resting his head against his shoulder while he wrapped his arm around him. They would watch the world go by in front of them and Dean never once thought about who was watching them.

“Oh,” Jerry said as if he was having the same memory.

Dean turned to look at Jerry. He almost wished Jerry would turn his head and look at him so he could look into those perfect eyes that could never lie.

Dean twitched his pinky and moved it slowly until it made contact with Jerry's hand on the floor. Jerry didn't pull away. Dean brushed his finger against the side of Jerry’s hand. He definitely noticed it this time but he was letting Dean touch him. It had been so long since they made contact like this.

Maybe Dean was a little to blame and he gave Jerry the cold shoulder one too many times. The kid wouldn’t hug him anymore. Dean found himself during scenes holding Jerry tighter. That’s the only time he could get near him. In the old days he couldn’t keep Jerry away from him. He was always hugging and jumping all over him or fucking tackling him to the ground. Now he won’t even shake his hand. When the scenes were over Jerry pulled away and always had something else to do or would go straigt to his dressing room. Dean was left waiting for the next scene.

Minutes passed and Dean took a chance. He hooked that same pinky around Jerry’s like they would do when they were being silly. It didn’t feel silly. He forgot about everything. All the talk of Jerry taking over the whole act and Dean was going to be nothing but his stooge. Or what was said directly to his face that he shouldn't be with Jerry at all. They were too different. Just completely vanished from his mind. And that feeling in his gut that was eating his insides the one that told him Jerry was planning something without him. That feeling vanished too. He felt Jerry’s pinky pull out from his own. Dean worried that was it until he felt Jerry’s hand lifting up his own. Their fingers interlaced. Dean turned and saw Jerry staring back at him. He felt Jerry squeeze his hand. The smile on his face reminded him of the boy he met at the diner with egg salad all over his tie.

That kid made him laugh like no other. His best friend. That sixteen year old had room in his life for Dean. He needed him. The Jerry that was a writer, director, producer, actor, singer...that one he wasn’t so sure of. Jerry had all  the talent they spoke of and much more. Dean knew the passion Jerry had. He could become anything he wanted and work harder at it than anyone alive. You can’t stop that kind of energy and that terrified Dean. He saw first hand the way Jerry’s eyes lit up when he was behind the camera. That was his love. Sure, Dean could be in front of the camera and let Jerry direct but he would have to produce too and write all of the scripts and probably sew all of the damn costumes and Dean would have to wait even longer. The hell of it is Jerry was better than Chaplin. Dean was certain of it because Jerry could do everything Chaplin could and he was Jerry, which is something Chaplin could never ever be. Dean didn’t want to work FOR a fucking genius. Dean wanted to work WITH his best friend. He wanted to go back to when Jerry needed him and stop time so nothing would change. Every day he felt it more that Jerry was out growing him. That was it. The all consuming thought. The one that kept him up at night and he had to take a few more sleeping pills. The one in his head while he screamed at Jerry and talked to the press.  

Dean took a breath and let it all go. His greatest fear that he dare tell no one, especially himself, in that moment ceased to be. Whatever happened from here on out they were bound together forever as Paul and Jer. These things would never change for them at all. This would be Dean’s new favorite memory.  He would look back fondly and remember that he held Jerry's hand in complete silence and felt no fear. There was nothing to doubt and for the first time he didn’t feel at war with himself. In Jerry's hand he knew only peace.