#negitive edge

[veganmisanthrope]

Orange County Outdoor Kitchen Outdoor Kitchen

Patio kitchen: small modern backyard patio kitchen idea in stamped concrete without a cover

[bonehead-forever]

Fountain Pool Mid-sized trendy backyard custom-shaped infinity pool fountain photo with decking

[jamesmdavisson]

Infinity in Orange County

[chrispleasure]

HOCKEY, m.s

summary: coming home with matt from a hockey game :)

warning: slight angst, swearing.

this is not proof read.

your lungs were sore from cheering for matt in hockey, which was atleast for two hours. you loved watching his games, cheering him on with signs and a smile on your face. he always said seeing you in the stands of the arena helped him focus and win, which constantly made you smile everytime he reminded you, that beautiful smile.

you sit on the edge of your seat in anticipation, this was it. win or lose. it was a 50/50 chance. matt could either leave the arena happy and proud, or beat and upset. you wanted nothing more than to see him happy.

anxiously you bite your nails, looking at the game. matt skated across the field, so far so good. after a few more seconds of anticipation, he scored. loud cheers from the crowd were head. the first thing he did was look at you.

seeing the sparkle in his eyes was the joy of your day, no matter what had been happening today, seeing the sparkle in his eyes immediately drained any negitive thought from your head.

as everyone leaves the stands, including you, you wait beside the door where the hockey players get off the ice. you see matt, he always jumping up and down cheering.

“you did so good, baby. m’ so proud of you.” you say once he stops infront of you. you cup his cheek, leaning upwards and placing a kiss on his lips. “only cause you were here.” he replied with a smile, returning the favour.

once you both pull away, he places his hands on either side of your upper arms. he notices how cold you seemed. “you cold?” he asks gently, waiting for a response. you nod, running your own hands up and down your arms to attempt to warm yourself up.

“wait here, baby.” he said with a smile, going to grab his favourite hoodie. once he comes back, the hoodie in his hands, you smile. “isn’t this your favourite one? i dont want to ruin it.” you say, a slight sadness to your favourite. “my favourite clothing item for my favourite girl.” he replies, trying to cheer you up, which indeed worked.

as a form of pink blush began to linger on your cheeks, he spoke. “i love you, y’know? s’ much. since i first laid eyes on you.” his eyes trained on yours, waiting for your replly. he had been waiting for you to say you love him.

a look of shock washed over your slightly red face. “i- um.. wow.” you spoke, chuckling nervously. “that’s really.. sweet? i dont really know how to respond to that. nothing i could say would top that.” you say nervously, looking up at him.

you play with the hoodie in your hands before putting it on, getting a tiny break from the heartbroken tension you felt between the two of you.

“can you say it?” he asks, looking down at you with a slight frown. not one of those pouty ones, an actual devestated look on his face. when the response is silence, he continues. “pretty please with a cherry on top?” he replies, offering a short smile.

hesitantly, you open your mouth to speak. “i— um, i love you. i really do- it’s just hard to put into words how much i appreciate and love you.” you say, your heartbeat increasing.

he smiled, rubbing your shoulder before looking over at his hockey teamates who were entertaining the changing rooms. “i gotta go change, but then ill be back to drive you home.” he says, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“i can w-” he interrupts you, “no, baby. not at this hour. just stay the night at mine. my moms making pasta with your favourite sauce.” he replies.

he didn’t really leave you any room to speak, so you nodded. he then walked into the change rooms to remove his dirty, sweaty hockey gear.

you sit down at a bench near the exit, waiting for matt to come back. once he does, his hair is wet, his chest clung to the white tank top he was wearing, his jeans unbuttoned and his fly not done up, he must’ve been in a rush.

he helped you up, putting a hand on your lower back. “let’s go, yeah?” he nodded, grabbing his bag and swinging it over his shoulder. he walked beside you out of the arena and towards his car.

“can you unlock the car f’ me?” he asks gently, removing his hand from your waist. you nod, grabbing his keys from the belt of his jeans. you unlock his car with a click.

he placed his hockey gear in the trunk of the car after gesturing for you to get comfortable in the front seat. his brothers were off doing something, but knew when to come back if they wanted a ride.

you get comfortable in the front seat, preparing yourself for the argument with chris about the front seat. once he went as far as lifting you out of the car just to get front seat.

you lock the passenger side door, taking a few deep breaths. you put on your seatbelt and wait for matt. first, nick enters the vehicle. he sat down in the back on the right side. “hey, you okay?” he asks, noticing the display of worry on your face.

you nod, smiling to vanish his concerns. “just scared of how chris will react.” you chuckle nervously. once you finish your sentence, matt enters the from the drivers side, settling into his seat. he turns on the car, twisting his keys. “where’s chris?” matt asks, looking through the mirror.

“he said he had to pee—” nick pauses his sentence, his jaw dropping. “is he seriously filming a tiktok right now?” he continued. matt looked outside your window, seeing chris doing a certain dance to an audio.

“this shit is too funny.” matt pulls out his phone, recording his brother. the moment didnt last long, a few seconds later chris got into the backseat, a frown on his face. “why does she get special front seat privledges?” chris asks, gesturing to you.

matt groans, beginning to drive. “she’s the girlfriend. plus she isn’t always in the car. you get privledges too, chris.” matt spoke, running a hand through his brunette locks.

you stay silent, listening to the conversation. “she doesn’t even connect to the aux, matt. fucking look at her. she just sits there acting like miss innocent like she doesn’t enjoy getting her back blown out by you.” chris spoke, pointing at you with a frustrated glare.

immediately a frown forms upon your face, you hated when people talked about sex around you, it brought back trauma. matt notices, and begins to snap back to chris. “just shut your mouth, chris. we havent ever done anything like that.” matt spoke, his voice harsh.

once everything dies down in the car and falls silent, matt pulls into the driveway. without a second thought, nick and chris immediately exit the car, leaving the two of you alone.

“im sorry, baby.” he says, glancing at you with a soft look. you nod, sighing. “it’s okay, i understand why he would be upset.” you say, unlocking the car door and getting out. “he doesn’t mean what he said. he loves you, your like a sister to him.” matt says, locking the car doors. he goes to your side and walks to the front door with you.

once the door opens your immediately met with the comforting smell of pasta. both nick and chris had disappeared to their rooms, probably worn out. matt guides you to the kitchen, greeting his mom with a smile and telling her all about his day.

you love how open he is with his mother, it’s adorable to you. “food should be done in half an hour, showers free to if you need one.” marylou spoke, stirring the pot.

matt nods before taking you upstairs to his room. once inside, he closes the door and goes to his dresser. you sit on his bed, getting comfortable. his house was basically your second home.

he passes you a pair of his grey sweats and a tank top. “this good?” he asks, gesturing to the clothes he gave you to wear. “matt— i might need a bra if im going to wear this top.” you spoke.

the word ‘bra’ or any other girly word didnt faze him anymore, nor make him excited. he was used to it. “yeah, baby. i have one of your bra’s from last time.” matt replies, grabbing the bra from his dresser and tossing it to you.

by the time both you got changed, it was time for dinner. you both of you head down to the dining table and begin to eat, hands interlocked beneath the table.

hashtags :)

[1nf3ct3d-x3]

Gyatt damn you stupid ahh bitch stfu you have no damn Rizz you are COMPLETLY Mid, get your Huggy Wuggy goofy ahh looking gyatt outta here, go back to the Digital Circus with your 27/84 plus 97 bozy Grimace Shake in Pizza Tower. You got no Edge. Goony Goofy ahh Sus Sussy Baka Impostor ima bout to eject your goofy mf ahh no Rizz no sigma L + ratio. Ligma balls not poggers Griddyin on your grave. Hitting the griddy with BanBan and Rainbow Friends on your gave. Always over there fapping and yapping on damn roblox. I'm the rizzler here stupid ahh goofy lookin, I'm going fanum tax on your ass. Chat, is this Real? Because this bitch ass don't know who I am. Opp. No bitches. So unskibiti. I bet ur from Ohio dumbahh Jumbo Josh. You bad ass Banban frum Rainbow Friends Smurf Cat on your grave Chat is this real, cuz this bitch ass is about to commit boybortion broskie ain't no alpha male Chug Jug Loot Lake bros a pibby glitch negitive what the sigma mf dead ass gacha heat aming us rizzler pass that shit bruh you toothless gumdrop💀☠️ 🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓 Broski lookin like the Nerd emoji erm akcutally sounds like a skill issue go boybkrtion urself your so unskibiti that's so uncanny you unaigma Preppy heinsburg lookin ass bro spawned in from the deepest dephs of Ohio that there could ever be 💀 💀 ☠️ ☠️ stupid ahh Boomer ain't rven bussin bussin bruh what the sigma is wrong with you you Preppy pibby glitch P go content farm yourself hitting thr jizzy on your body 😷 you're giving dead dog 🐕 and not the alpha sigma make kind you Fatherless omega. Nobody not even a sheep from Loot Lake would smash you bruh you and your goofy ahh dumbah lookin stupid face gtfo bruh you aren't even real Nerd. Your words are all cap  🧢🧢 just like your dad (I fucked him bozo) you can't even mew right your bitch ass can't do nothing right 🤫 🧏 go fuck yourself bro got no Lore this Fatherless bitch L + Ratio + what is this + L + ratio + wrong + get a job + unfunny + you fell off + never liked you anyway + cope + ur allergic to gluten + don't care + cringe ur a kid + literally shut the fuck up + galileo did it better + your avi was made in MS Excel + ur bf is kinda ugly + i have more subscribers + owned + ur a toddler + reverse double take back + u sleep in a different bedroom from your wife + get rekt + i said it better + u smell + copy + who asked + dead game + seethe + ur a coward + stay mad + you main yuumi + aired + you drive a fiat 500 + the hood watches xqc now + yo mama + ok + currently listening to rizzle kicks without u. plus ur mind numbingly stupid plus ur voice is ronald mcdonald. Ur so unskibiti ain't evena rizzly bear never my pookie dumbass 69696969 so you can go to bed little kid cry about it. YOU CAN'T RIZZ FOR YOUR LIFE YOU OMEGA NON ALPHA‼️‼️🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺

😋

G00D G0D WH4T TH3 H3LL 15 TH4444T

[flosalatus]

❌, 🌱 , 🔮

@knaivcs | Prompts I'd Like to Recive: Headcanons

-

❌ ] is there something your muse struggles with that they might never overcome? what is it? why do they have so much trouble with it?

It's hard to pin down the exact words because its a big cocktail of things that all bleed into eachother. His self worth, guilt, the desire to stick to the morals he's chosen, they all blend together and just make life a Struggle:tm:

I think if I had to narrow it down for this ask...the guilt. It's almost entirely self-imposed but he carries it none the less. Guilt for every life he fails to save or protect, taking every confrontation on his own shoulders because this or that town only ended up in trouble becuase he was there.

And he struggles so much with it because even if its something that can;t be helped, even if the blame more logically should be put on the people chasing after him, rather than his own sheer existance, he can't bring himself to see it that way.

All he knows is that danger and trouble follow him, people get involved, get hurt, and the easiest way to avoid that is not to let people near him.

So clearly, if he's the catalyst, it's all his fault, right?

🌱 ] what themes are relevant to your muse?

Oh man the amount of meta-analysis posts ive seen abt this subject on twitter.

Personally I think...I wanna narrow it down to/focus on the themes of...like...morality, choice, finding good in hopelessness, because those are what I personally see and enjoy most in Vash. There's so many, in the whole show, manga, just every medium of Trigun as a whole let alone what Vash represents, but for me?

Yeah, I think the theme of choices and morality, and moral choices, is a big one that I like to think abotu and play around with. Becuase Vash isn't 100% good and kind by sheer nature, he activly makes the choice to be how he is.

Sure it's made a little easier maybe by the fact he's an absolute sweetheart, but he's not incapable of violence. Of negitive emotions, fear and anger, lashing out. He just has a tight reign on it and choses not to. He choses to smile and let it all roll off his shoulders. Choses to be kind in the face of unending cruelty.

He chose his moral path, and sometimes he has to fight so viciously to hold onto it. He fights tooth and nail almost constantly to cling to the good in humanity, when the whole plant seems to be doing it's best to try and prove him wrong.

And that's just. Really fun and interesting to me.

🔮 ] what is your muse’s relationship with religion and spirituality? were they raised in a certain religion? have they stuck with the same set of spiritual beliefs all their life, or have they changed over time? are they settled in their spirituality now?

Just from the sheer fact that Trigun exists half way over the edge of the "being bible fanfic" cliff I wanna say he's been exposed to a decent level of christianity, but personally lands somewhere between "beleives but doesn't practice any faith" and "if god exists he hates me"

Okay but in all seriousness. Vash I think....he doesn't hate the idea of a higher being, and he's ABSOLUTELY never going to be the type of dismiss or look down on another persons religion, but he's just kind of...in a religious limbo, I guess.

I feel like, espcially after meeting Wolfwood (if we take as an example, a Wolfwood who is more religious...if dubiously)Vash has maybe sat down once or twice and tried to pray, if he's felt desperate enough, curious enough. He probbaly asked WW to teach him more about religion, too, since he probbaly got a barebones education thus far if that.

He's definitly not a practicing christian/catholic, doesn;t activly seek out god or let religion influence his life and decisions. But he can understand and even sometimes feel for himself the comofrt those kinds of people get from having a figure like God to take comfort or look for help in.

[the-writings-of-kaos]

Galactic crossing program pt 1

The Vicarious empire had been expanding for a large portion of their recent history, the collective government of their race founded a company made specifically to terraform and colonize planets with multiple colonies for the use of population dispersal and to expand horizons. Space agencies were almost exclusively mobile agencies, giant university ships, dragging trawler ship factories, and even the occasional asteroid miner and ship fabricator docks spaced through out the massive reach of space.  And today, Galactic standard date 12/39/13098, I am setting out to explore the uncharted space!

———

“Welcome abound captain Freyith, it is an honour to make your aquaitance.”

The ship greeted its captain in Retah tongue, as Freyith came abourd.

Freyith: “Salutations to you aswell wing, would you please start up the FTL drive?”

W-I-N-G: “Of course, shall we make haste to the edge of mapped space?”

Freyith: “Yes please. Oh this is so exciting, imagine all the new species we could incounter.”

W-I-N-G: “Unlikly, the nearest area of unmapped space contains mostly rouge or unstable systems at the fringes of the galaxy.”

Freyith: “ohh...”

The young Retah slumped down in her helm nest with disappointment, was this really all her space days would be? Jumping from system to system to scout out uninhabitable planet after planet.

W-I-N-G: “Do not fret captain, it is much more safe to see unique planetiod formations rather then potentially hostile and savage life forms. And what’s more if something did truely survive in this area of space, it would be the closest thing to a walking crieyutt.”

Freyith shuddered at that blatantly poor attempt at humour, the walkers of crieyutt were nothing but an old story told to fledglings to make them grow a sense of danger. No creature would actually survive if they were so violent, the laws of the galaxy themselves say so.

Freyith: “Sure sure wing, I ain’t got this reachers license for nothing. Let’s go have some ventures, shall we?”

W-I-N-G: “Commencing space jump in three, two, one.”

Freyith was thrown back in her nest, she laughed with amazement as the lights of stars glimered past in lines of bright white, blue, yellow, reds, greens, and a rare few purple dashes just before the Feathered festival ship dropped out of FTL space.

Freyith giggled and laughed until her sense returned and she was able to sit up once more.

Freyith: “Wing, system report.”

W-I-N-G: “It would appear that we have dropped approximately sixteen yip lengths from a large red dwarf star, celestial body count of 7 comprised of 4 asteroid bodies. Shall we move towards the furthest planetoid?”

Freyith: “Affirmative, let’s see what this system has in the ways of inhabitability.”

The small ship flew into orbit of the third planet.

W-I-N-G: “Readings indicate small surface pockets, of electrolized metal. Likely caused by the exceedingly dense atmospheric conditions, as well as atmospheric friction. Surprisingly this planets core is very hot, suggesting that there is some form of mineral gas in the atmosphere preventing the planet from cooling down. There also appears to be a record 78 orbiting bodies of natural origin, scans suggest that most of them are solid state hydrogen oxide.”

Freyith: “This planet has perfect conditions for terraformation, with all that electrolized metal it would be more than easy to make this into an active food world. And all those hydrogen oxide asteroids could serve as water for millennia!”

W-I-N-G: “Deep scans suggest that there is some sort of... burrowing lifeform on the planet.”

Freyith gasped with excitement, then paused, and began to feel curiousity.

Freyith: “Wait, if the deep scans picked it up, how large would it be?”

W-I-N-G: “Deep scans say it is around, 60-90 Vep (15-20 meters squared) in size.”

Freyith: “Search for possible locations for new life, if something that big is here, surely there is something habitable here.”

W-I-N-G: “Negitive, the life form was very close to the surface. It may be a rapid magmetic convulsion pressure. We should scout the rest of the system, before setting foot with such a thing on the planet.”

Freyith: “ugh fine, but as soon as we are done we are going back to see it.”

The ship cruised along

W-I-N-G: “Planet 2 contains heavy amounts of solid state nitrogen deposits. No atmosphere, scans suggest a strong abundance of sodium meteors in the asteroid rings around the planet.”

Freyith: “Fun, next.”

W-I-N-G: “please refrain from not documenting these planets captain.”

Freyith: “Right sorry, it’s just like the orbital bodies back home. It’s nothing interesting.”

The ship moved along, as the captain had a fight with the ship ai.

W-I-N-G: “Planet number 1 seems to have dense- captain, we have an impact warning in 6 wop. Get up, we need to document this!”

Freyith: “Who in the burning blunder is out here?”

W-I-N-G quickly moved the ship out of the way, then further out of the way as another impact warning played out.

Freyith sat with baited breath in front of the vid screens, as the odd six sided object came hurdling through space. It flew by the ship with a multitude of other objects of the same shape, as all of the swarm of them ignited a bright yellow fire at their bottoms and flung towards the third planet.

Freyith: “Wing follow them to the planet, and I won’t say I told you so.”

W-I-N-G hurled the ship back to the third planet, as they watched the odd ships rain down into the dense atmosphere and crash straight into the under ground tunnels the life form had made.

Freyith: “Wing What is happening?”

W-I-N-G: “It does not compute, there doesn’t seem to be a obvious reason as to why this is happening.”

With astonishment Freyith watched as the planets atmosphere began to clear and thin out, as the odd ships flew through it. The odd shapes having been switched out for the megnitised surface deposits, as the metal was pulled out of the atmosphere and placed in a visible pile.

Freyith: “Wing, land us planet side. As close to that massive deposit as you can.”

The ship did as commanded and flew down to the surface, putting on a atmosuit Freyith hopped out the airlock to look around. The pile of metal was amazing, the small grains of black dust stuck to the magnetic deposits was absurd as more of the odd ships flew over head.

A loud howl like noise suddenly erupted behind her, before she turned rapidly to face the new foe. A small adorable creature stood just a little ways away, it wore no pressure suit, it wore no atmosuit, all it wore was a small patch of fur atop its head and synthetic garments.

The sense of fear and sense adoration were so much, she had no idea what to do. Run back to the ship, or stand her ground to meet the small cute creature.

It began to walk towards her, its clumsy looking bipedal stride mixed with the frail looking limbs made her want to help it towards her as if it was helpless living on a world that was in the dooms day of all doomsday not a few moments ago.

It stood next to her, and outstretched its stumpy grasping appendage towards her. She didn’t quite know what to do, so she reciprocated the gesture. The small creature took her grasping in its and shook them up and down before letting go, and gesturing back to where it came.

Freyith was shocked with how calm the creature was, and the virtually no aggression seemed to be good indicator. Ignoring wing yelling in her ear she followed the small clumsy creature over the flat land, past large metal structures taking atmosphere in and changing it before releasing it out the top. The small creature lead her towards what Wing had thought was the large life form diggin close to the surface, but in actuality it seemed to be a surface miner. What it was mining for was unknown, the small creature gestured that she went inside the living quarters inside the large miner.

She peered inside for any form of threat, all that was inside was a small rectangular nest. On one side a surface with various food items was spread out, and on the other was some sort of sleeping set up. And down a set of platforms was the pilots helm. The small creature followed behind her and went over to the food surface, it opened a compartment from the supporting wall and removed what looked like... meat! The creature was preparing food for her and it!

Just as she was enveloped with curiosity over the small creatures actions, it suddenly placed a metallic bowl with a special handle over top a circle built into the food item surface. It placed the dehydrated meat onto it before adding liquid water, it sizzled as the new smell of cooked meat wafted through the small nest.

The creature paused to looked back at her, and she noticed the two small forward facing eyes. So it was some sort of predator, hmm, yet it appeared completely docilen if not friendly. She looked around the nest a saw photographs embedded in viewing compartments, placed throughout the nest. One had a picture of the creature with another of its kind, and a small predator of a different species sitting in front of them. It looked rather shaggy the smaller thing, big dopey golden coloured ears with a small red live stock collar around its neck. As she puzzled over the picture, the creature grabbed back her attention. It had cut the meat with a sharp metallic utensil, and had placed the two portions on small platters. Only on its platter was some form of stalky green plant matter, and on hers a small bowl of seeds. So they were omnivores, that’s new. Most species they encountered only ate one form of food, and left the other in peace or to be used some other way. This creature seemed to eat both, and likely based off the act of peperation she was showed they ate a multitude of different foods.

The creature was using a different set of metallic utensils to eat as it sat down on one of two circular soft platforms around a surface. She sat down on the empty soft platform, and was handed her own set of utensils. Not wanting to be rude she tried them, it wasn’t a bad way to eat if not a bit safer then the regular. This way she didn’t have anything stuck in her beak, and she didn’t have to wait between bites for her food to properly settle.

The meat was delicious, some how this creatures people had a way of preparing food that made it taste better and more easily digestible. Once she finished she looked at the stalky green plant matter the creature had taken, it picked up one with its stumpy graspers and chewed it between its back jaw bones.

It was finishing the last one before it looked at the small bowl of seeds it had set out for her, it looked concerned. She wasn’t an omnivore, so she had left them alone. She pushed her finished platter towards the creature, hoping it would understand. To her surprise the creature picked up the bowl and simple swallowed all the seeds in one go, so they had multiple ways of eating, interesting.

The creature put the dirtied platters and bowl in a different compartment then they had come, maybe that was a to be cleaned compartment. The creature led her to one of the embedded viewing compartment. She recognized it as some sort of map, as the creature set it on the eating surface. It gestures to her, then to itself before gesturing at the end of a line segment on the map.

So that’s where they were, she gestured to the large circle on the map. The creature brought up a data pad and after tapping on it a few times, it showed her a collection of photos. First was a picture of the large metallic deposits landing on the surface and attracting the black dust, next was the odd shaped ships picking them up and flying them around and clearing up the atmosphere, next was a picture of the creature coming out from a buried shealter and taking down the shell of it to reveal the miner, next was a picture of the map with a swath of multiple line segments leading to the large circle she had originally gestured to.

So this was some sort of terraforming process, so this creatures race had come from an as of yet undiscovered species! And they were capable of terraforming like this? Unbelievable. She held her breath as she examined all the started lines and the few lines on the map that had come to the circle, there were hundreds of these creatures on this planet. Only hundreds, that’s so little for this massive task.

She paused and held her hand up hoping to pause the creature ramblings

Freyith: “Wing are you seeing this?”

W-I-N-G: “Yes!!! We found a deathworlder species and you are in its den, and you are vastly unprepared to face a deathworlder!!!”

Freyith: “I think I’m going to travel with them until they get to the redevue point them have shown me on their map.”

W-I-N-G: “Are you crazy!?! Have you gone savage!?! What if they eat you? What if it takes a few hepta?”

Freyith: “Thats fine, at least I can learn about them. Fly the ship over here so I can load up supplies and other sorts.”

W-I-N-G: “Does the deathworlder know you are doing this?”

Freyith paused as she looked back to the deathworlder, with its adorable patch of fur and its stumpy and clumsy looking limbs. She gesture to what she thought was a resting around, then to herself. The creature tapped on the data pad again as another surface folded out above the first one, the soft material there aswell. The creature then gestured to her and the top sleeping pad.

Freyith: “they seem happy to take me.”

Authors note:

Hey everyone, I know I still have a series on the bench but I’m going to start this one while I work on the final piece. As always thanks to my fellow authors, prompters, and commenters for the inspiration for this piece. Hope you enjoyed, have a good one.

[rattsietottsie]

Me venting about everything. You've probably already read most of it if you looked at my other posts. I'm just stuck in a cycle of rethinking all the shit and want it out of me.

My body is full of weird sensations- very often negitive ones.

Some people don't know but- there are some mental health disorders where your suffering is practically physical?

Yeah, that's me. Every day I feel like I've been stuffed with butterflies and needles. It can get so intense I want to cüt myself open and rip out my guts. Anything to get it to stop.

----

I'm terrified for the future. It's hard to be hopeful when everyone around you is one foot in the gutter... and I don't want to lïve if I have to live like they do

---

My brain is so all over the place and I never know when the flip is going to switch from mild agony to: I can't fucking think straight holy shit pls put me out of my misary.

---

I can't get anything done. 100% useless.

---

My bf has been around for a year now.. and.. i'm still.. so on edge. Waiting for him to get fed up with my needy a§§.

---

I really need to be held. The childhood neglect and abuse just left me with a deep pit that probably will never be filled no matter how someone loves me...

---

Lately all my answers to lifes problems have gone back to 'just end it' and.. I'm not too sure I won't. It's like 1 in 10 bpđ persons kermit sewercide. It's just too much.

No one can handle me, so if that's the case.. then how can I handle myself??

I burn hot with self hatred.. I want to dissapear. It's exhausting to always go through the same shit every day.

---

Can't believe two fuckin drug addicts refusing to wear a rubber popped me out then continued to truamatize me from birth onwards.

Nothings okay. It's never been.

[crwndsprkzy]

Crimson's Night In.

Crimson sat on the edge of brendons bed. She had just finished singing him to sleep, as he just couldnt fall asleep on his own

"Ive never been much of a singer," she thought, "but he seemed to enjoy it."

She carefully placed a toy by his side, and left the room quietly. She was met by ryan and dallon, sitting outside the room.

"Im sorry to bother you guys, but do you know if theirs any painkiller around here?" She asked softly

Ryan snapped back "Uh, no? Why do you need painkillers?"

"If brendon wakes up he may have a migrane, so i just wanna make sure its not super painful for him."

"There should be some in one of the kitchen cabnets." Dallon said. Crimson felt really familiar to him, like hes known her for years...

"Thank you. Oh, and be quiet okay? I really dont wanna wake him." She said , as she walked away into the kitchen.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." Ryan said, almost mumbling.

As she looked for painkillers in the kitchen, dallon walked in.

"Hey, can i ask you something?" He asked, trying his best to be quiet

"What is it?"

"Arent demons supposed to...hurt people? You dont seem to be hurting brendon.."

"Im not."

" i thought demons always projected a certain emotion onto somebody of their choosing."

"That would be correct. We can pick and choose who we inflict with our negitive energies."

"Then...who are you projecting yours onto?"

She sighed. She hated that question.

"Angel, who do you think im projecting them onto?"

"I....i dont know....i probably shouldnt have asked, im sorry"

"Its fine, cuz. Angels are quite curious , huh?"

"Well...yeah, i guess."

"Cuz?" Dallon thought "What type of nickname is that?"

She laughed softly.

 

"You'll get it eventually angel. Now, i better head off to brendon in case he wakes up."

"Ah, right. Sorry"

She pats him on the head, and leaves the room quickly.

"Ah, dallon. Why wont you remember your dear old cousin?" She whispers.

---

So uh. Angel au ,huh?

Im actually proud of this wow.

(Ily btw!)

@theshadow-inthelight

[languishedlaughing]

Project: 047-DEs8i Desai the hedgehog

TLDR:

Created by the GUN just before Eggman broke into the gun base and freed Shadow (SA2). Desai is Chaos-negitive he’s incapable of handling even the smallest amount of chaos energy, which is rather unfortunate because the world he lives in radiates it as natural energy. Other wise he’s pretty normal, got’s some speed to him because all hedgehogs seem to, but he’s got no stamina from living in a room by himself for several years.  Shadow finds out and is like, um this isn’t happening again and helps the GUN scientists figure out a way to get Desai outside. Little happy family. I like fluff.

Story under cut:

The file sat unopened before him. The rage ebbed off him in waves, the limiters burning hot as they did their work in overdrive to contain the chaos energy. Shadow forced himself to breath, push it back and use his own control rather then relying on them. He was still angry, but this was the very reason they'd not told him sooner.

Of course the G.U.N had all the relevant data, all they needed to recreate the ultimate life from project, it only took time before someone got the great idea to try it again. It made his blood boil, not just that someone was, again, trying to make a copy of him, but that someone else was going through what he did. ARK had not been all sunshine and roses, at least not before she was there.

The commander assured him that it had been the previous leadership that had the gal to try playing god again and create another artificial life in Shadow’s image. The one that he himself had usurped. Apparently Dr. Eggman had been using the chaos at the time to break in and awaken Shadow in the first place. Funny how things worked out.

That file with a paperclip slid over the edge, no doubt holding a picture on the other side, the front printed in thick ink; Project: 047-DEs8i. He couldn't bring himself to read the damn thing. Shadow knew it wasn't his file, but the visceral reaction had been the same. His hand shook and his heart leaped up into his chest. He couldn't bring himself to open it, even looking at it was hard. Finally he shoved it aside, tapping his fingers on the desk.

Rouge will just have to do that. She wouldn't say no, and he trusted her enough to tell him what he needed to know. Instead, he got up shoes tapping loudly down the empty halls. The G.U.N. ran deep underground, and at one of the lowest levels...

The room past the large window was white. In the middle of the room, the controller to some game station in his hand, was, well, DEs8i. The project name must have been computer generated, but it miffed Shadow that they didn't bother to give him a decent name. He looked... normal was the word. His coat was a dark color, not quite black but in that range, his arms and legs were white up to about his elbows. His ears and quill tips were also a white-ish color. The way his spines fell downwards passed more for Sonic's style then his own, though they seemed to be shorter then either hedgehogs.

And That was how their first meeting went; through a glass wall. At some point the hedgehog paused his game, maybe feeling eyes on him, and waved at the hedgehog on the other side. Mismatched eyes squinted in a smile; a soft green in one and orange in the other. They were pale in their colors lacking the bright vibrancy he was used to seeing in mobian eyes. Shadow wondered if it was an effect of his chaos-negative status. He lifted a hand, before turning and heading back.

-

“Well, seems the biggest thing is that he can't leave the building.” Rouge waited a beat, thinking Shadow would be appalled by that statement, his eyes flicked in her direction, willing her to get on with it. Close enough, he wanted to know why before getting angry; a step up for Shadow for sure. “He cant handle chaos energy in the slightest. It's probably what killed all his predecessors. It's amazing he's lasted as long as he has.”

Three years. Three years of loneliness, of pain. How the hell did they manage to make someone who was, what did they call it, Chaos-negative? The only thing that had kept him alive this long was the deep bunker and several layers of heavy chaos shielded walls. The doctors and scientists had to do a version of decontamination to even enter the room he was kept in. And even then they could only remain for a short time. “Predecessors?”

“Yeah, about that... I'm thinking this 47 number in front is the attempt totals.” Forty-Six. They hadn't thought to stop even after forty-six had died. Shadow's knuckles were white under his gloves. Rouge reached out to touch him and then paused. Shadow would let her, probably, but  it wasn't what he wanted. Shadow didn't liked to be touched.

“The commander shut down the project.” She reminded him soothingly. “They're keeping him comfortable, as much as they can. You saw.”

Yes, he saw. That was something you said to a terminally ill patient. Keep them comfortable. It was an existence, not a life. He'd never see the sun, or feel the wind on his face, Worst of all, he didn't have anyone around to help ease the solitude. Shadow tapped out his anger on the table thinking as Rouge watched him with concern written on her face. Neither of them liked it; it was easy for her to tell what Shadow was thinking. But, what could they do? The nature of the world was keeping the other hedgehog trapped in that cell.

The nature of the world was what banished Maria to a space station above the planet.

Shadow gritted his teeth, rubbing the bridge of his nose in frustration.

The glimmer of his limiters caught his eye. He stood suddenly, startling Rouge, passing through the door before Rouge could even finish saying his name.

This time he might be able to change someone's fate.

–

The look on The commander's face when Shadow had put a limiter on his desk had been, in hind-sight, priceless. It had only been one, he'd kept the other on, but it still had the Commander shaking in his boots. Still, they'd been receptive to his idea. The scientists had quickly begun working over time to reverse engineer the limiter and turn it outwards. Why not? If they could make chaos absorbing rings 50 years ago, why couldn't they use the same technology to make chaos repelling rings?

Shadow opened to door to the R&D lab. It bustled in a way that, for a moment, flashed him back to ARK and he shook his head chasing the memory away. Dr. Whitla, the woman in charge of the original project (though from the way she says it, that had only been in name and her bitterness had been palatable), rubbed the bridge of her nose, holding her glasses in one hand. “Having trouble, Doctor?” Shadow asked smoothly.

She didn't jump, too tired after one too many long nights. “Not so much.” She replied. Shadow didn't dislike her. Dr. Whitla, for her part, had jumped at the chance to change her project's lot in life. She might not like how much her hand had been forced before, but it was hard not to feel affection for something you created.

“I can't get over how much they kept from us before. If we had any of this information things would have been so much better. Even just knowing about the chaos sequencing in the-” Shadow stopped listening. There wasn't a scientist in the world that couldn't help but get caught up in their field of expertise or let it get away from them from time to time. From what Shadow had gathered, the old guard had classified far too much and still expected results. Excitement ran through the group around him, as much as the fatigue. They were close, he could tell just by watching them. Willing to put in the time an long hours needed to change things. Shadow wondered if he knew what was being done for him. Maybe it was best he didn't, in case it didn't work out.  

“Well anyway. We're ready to run some tests.” Shadow decided to vacate the lab, he didn't want to find out what would happen if he was exposed to unstable and untested chaos repelling technology.

–

It was three months before they had a working model another two before they could reasonably say they'd worked out all the bugs. Shadow was feeling anxious. He'd gone down to visit the other hedgehog several times, but there had been no way for them to meet face to face. Shadow simply could not decon chaos energy; his body reproduced too much too fast. It complicated things a bit, but the other hedgehog always seemed to be happy to see him.

If Shadow had a choice in a little brother, well....

“It's so bright!” Maybe he should have warned him, but why ruin the surprise? Desai had bounded outside without a second thought stopping when the harsh light assaulted his eyes. “Why's it so bright?”

“It's the sun,” Shadow replied with a roll of his eyes. It was probably a little soon to be taking Desai and the neutralizing rings on such a chaotic test run, but the moment the other hedgehog hand seen outside a window he couldn't be stopped. Shadow had sworn up and down to not let anything happen to him, not that he would have anyway.

“I know what it is! Why?” Shadow shook his head. He didn't remember asking this many questions, but Desai's excitement was infectious. Desai... it was apparently the name he'd chosen for himself. Either he misheard the project name or someone for simplicity had mashed the words together, Shadow didn't know, didn't mind either. It was something to call him, and Desai seemed to like it enough. They weren't meant to go far, but having been locked in a room for years didn't seem to stop him from taking off and leaving shadow behind rather quickly. Apparently he didn't need an answer.  A ball of innocence and excitement.  

Shadow followed along easily enough, watching the curiosity and wonder playing across the young hedgehog's face. Everything was new to him. The people walking down the street, the flicky flying over head, the sounds of cars going by. Desai wanted to see anything and everything as soon as possible. He had so many questions, they spilled out at lightning speed. In every sense Desai was a child. It was... uplifting.

Shadow hadn't the opportunity to wonder. He had been whole focused on the mission placed in his head by the Professor. Then, when finally did remember, when the memories of his desire to see the earth had returned to him it had become common. The magic of the earth had been spent before he'd even realized there was magic to be had. Like so many things it had been stolen from him. Being able to watch Desai experience it for the first time, however, was almost as good.

“Hey! Stop living vicariously through me!” Shadow was snapped from his thoughts by a pointed finger. He pushed the accusing hand out of his face. Desai grinned at him. “Dr. Whitla and I talk a lot more. She told me all about you.” Shadow humphed a reply earning rolling eyes from the other hedgehog. He might be innocent, but he wasn't dumb, it seemed. He also wasn't being showed pity.

Whitla though, she had a big mouth.

“The Doctor visits you now?”

“Oh yeah! Lots of people do now, it's great!” At least he wasn't lonely anymore. That was reassuring.  “Hey, smells so good?”

Desai was already wandering off. Shadow huffed a breath following after the excitable hedgehog. “No food.”

“Aww! Why not?”

“Doctor's orders.”

“But-But- Shadow..! You're such a kill joy.”

“Yeah, Shads, why you gotta be a kill joy?” Oh great. Shadow turned without any real surprise to find Sonic the hedgehog standing behind him. His arms crossed over his chest and a smug smile on his face. “Who's your new friend?”

As much as he didn't want to, there where few people Shadow could trust in the world with Desai's existence. “This is Desai, Desai this-”

“Sonic the Hedegehog?!” The black and white hedgehog's was already bouncing on his feet. “Oh man you're so cool! You're like, the best hero ever! Shadow, why didn't you tell me Sonic was a friend of yours!?”

Shadow raised an eye brow in Desai's direction, who rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “Hey, I have internet. I know stuff. Sonic and his friends are like, the coolest ever.”

Sonic of course, had a shit eating grin on his face. Shadow rubbed at his temple feeling a headache coming on. He was never going to hear the end of it. Desai was still gushing Sonic's praise, and Shadow wasn't sure why it bothered him so much.

“..So who's faster?” Shadow blinked, and of course Sonic answered,

“I am, naturally.”

“In your dreams.” Shadow replied without thinking. Damn it, he wasn't here to get into a fight with Sonic, but his pride got in the way of his head.

“Wanna prove it, Faker?” He really hated that nickname.

“Oh guys! Can I watch? I wanna watch!” Desai was bouncing again. Well... At least he was enjoying himself. And before Shadow knew it, they'd found a race track on the edge of town. Desai and Sonic chatting the whole time while Shadow was lost in thought The whole time. He'd never been here before, but then he didn't consider running the recreational sport Sonic did.

“So, who's the kid, exactly?” Sonic was asking as they took their place at the starting line.

“If you want to be technical, he's my little brother.” Now see, if Shadow's heart had been in this race he'd have dropped that little bomb at a better moment and throw Sonic off, but getting half second head start wasn't so bad.

Soon enough Sonic had caught up to him again. “Okay... but don't you already... have one of those?”

“That would require me to think of Eclipse as anything more then an annoyance at best.” Sonic nearly tripped over his feet trying not to laugh. The hedgehog was far too easily distracted.

They tied.

At least Desai was now praising both of them. Though Shadow was wondering why that pleased him so much. Of course now Sonic was insisting on injecting himself in their little outing. Shadow was fine with letting him take the reigns for a little while and Desai was excited to meet another hero. It was better then wondering around randomly.

Tails' workshop was a wonderland to the innocent hedgehog, and Tails was happy enough to show 'Shadow's little brother' (“Don't worry, this one's harmless.” Sonic had said with a grin.) around the lab. Desai was amazed by anything shown to him, and was moderately able to understand it all. Tails seemed to be happy about that too.

“I got the feeling you didn't want to say too much in front of Desai, but you need to spill Shads.” Shadow leaned back against the wall. Watching the exchanges between their respective younger brothers with a protective eye. He did trust Sonic, that much he'd admit if only to himself.

So, Shadow told him.

When he was done Sonic was left a little speechless.

“Well... it explains... a lot.” Sonic mumbled a little wide eyed. Then, a smile. Sonic reached to put a hand on his shoulder, but stopped short. Sonic was the touchy sort, but had learned to respect Shadow's aversion to it. “Hey, don't worry. We're all one big happy dysfunctional family. You bring him around and we'll look after him.”

Shadow snorted at that. Dysfunctional family. He'd have never thought of it that way, but he nodded.

–

It was dark by the time they began heading back to the base. Desai of course was disappointed that he had to go, having made so many new friends in one day. He walked with his hands behind his head staring up at the night sky, spinning on his feet. Several times Shadow thought he was going to fall over. He hummed and hawed. “Sun's gone.”

“We missed the sunset. You can see it next time.”

Desai seemed satisfied with that, but was still walking backwards, eyes pointed up. “Okay. So. Which one is ARK?”

Shadow's lip twitched at the mention. Who'd told him about that? “It's next to the moon, and it hasn't risen yet. You cant see it yet.”

“Aww.” Desai moaned. “Well, your good with stars right? Why aren't they're more?”

Good with stars. Yes... they'd used to map them on ARK. Shadow swallowed the lump in his throat. “It's the light pollination from the city. You wont see many around here.”

“Do they have names?”

“Most. Usually just letters and numbers though.”

“Oh, kinda like me.” Shadow stopped in his tracks, staring at the back of Desai's head as he walked. It took a moment before the other hedgehog noticed he'd paused. “Shadow? You okay?”

“Yeah.” Desai's eyes knitted in concerned, he could see the words ready to form on his lips. But it wasn't Desai's fault. He couldn't know how much the mention speared his soul. “Come with me.”

That was how they'd ended up on a hill outside the city, Shadow going over the constellations and the names of all the stars he could remember. Desai fell asleep on his shoulder and Shadow had to carry him back (there was no chaos control around Desai and his rings), but Shadow thought, it wasn't so bad.

- fin

[thecalmnessandthestorms]

19. What’s something your muse only does when they’re alone?

...Calm the frick down. :’)In all seriousness though, Ala DOES actually tend to be more calm when not around others or in places where he’s with lovers or family. (Not his birth family though, around them he’s on edge constantly and doesn’t speak). Also tends to be more willing to cry and be more “negitively” emotional then. There isn’t really anything he does only when alone honestly. Just has tendencies. Heilyn on the other hand can either be calm as a lake or antsy as hell when alone. Sometime it soothes him to just sit by himself and craft somewhere quiet or read a book. Other times he doesn’t want to be left alone or his thoughts and memories will come back to haunt him. One thing that he does for sure only when he’s alone is sing little lulabys in the dragon language that the dragon who saved him used to sing to him when he was scared. Finds them soothing in bad times. 

[deardarkpassenger]

I feel so fucking alone and its eating me alive. Im constantly surrounded by people but yet, i still feel a million miles away. I feel like I have nobody in my corner. And im just here by myself in the dark. Nobody wants to talk. Never mind listen to me vent all my negitive thoughts and emotions out. Noone is there when i shed my tears. Those come when im by myself in the middle of the night, muffled by my hand over my mouth so i dont inconvienience anyone else. Noones there when i just need a day to do something to get my mind off the thoughts constntly reeking havac inside. Noone ever notices when i start to get close to the edge and my behavior changes. Noone cares to notice. Nobody ever asks “hey...are you ok?” Or “hey, how are you really doing?” I justt feel so lonely. If i were in a world where i was the only one there... it would be the same as now. Just me and nothingness. i wish i wasnt so alone....

[writingsbyshay67ss]

Depression

I don’t know if you have depression or know of anyone with depression…But it’s not something to boast about…This is what I feel and what I go through everyday..so please don’t judge me or anyone else about feeling like this.

I feel like I’m fading, like I’m just going to fall off the end edge and not come back. I feel my throat swell up and eyes fill as full as the ocean. My heart splits in two and then again in fours and just go numb. My body gets weak but not to weak or numb that I can’t feel my nails dig into my thighs leaving bruises. It feels like I have a noose in the room begging me to wrap it around my neck and jump. It taunts me telling me that I am not good enough that no one will ever really love you. That I am only good company, someone to talk to, and fill a void in whatever hole or emptiness the people need you to fill. It’s like I’m not even inside my own body anymore. Like I’m in a coma watching my life just pass me by or as if I’m in a show or movie and I’m just a puzzle piece moved whenever someone needs it in the right spot. I don’t know. I don’t know who I am or what I am anymore to anyone or myself. “This is all just in my head” I say. “You don’t have to feel like this. Just forget about the bad things and move on. You’ll only hold yourself down.” They say. Well you know what? Fuck that you don’t feel the way I feel. You don’t know how it feels to drown in your own mind with Negitive things 24/7.

I look in the mirror in the everyday and I hate what I see. I feel ugly and discussed at what I see. It doesn’t matter if I am 100 pounds or less I hate seeing myself.

I just can’t handle much more of feeling like I’m just a burden to everyone. The feeling of walking on egg shells around everyone, and feeling like your fucking everything up with everyone. I play happy, I act like everything is okay and sometimes it is. Being around people that makes me laugh helps…But it never fill the emptiness in me or make the negitive thoughts go away..

What is wrong with me?

Am I just being over dramatic?

Do I not make people feel worth it?

Because I don’t. I don’t feel worth anything.

Am I your burden?

Why do I feel this pain?

Why do I always come back to This?

What’s wrong with me?

[powercore04-blog]

Winter

Warm summer.

After years spent dormant, the man finally decides to risk his one seed in an attempt to cultivate a lush garden.

He plants the seed, and tries anything to encourage its growth.

After many thoughs to abondon it and accept defeat, hope is finally manifested in the form of a magic man who offers a potentially promising future to the small crop.

The magic man offers his fertile soil in return for partial ownership of the crop.

The man accepts.

The magic man visits nearly everyday to tirelessly assist the man in growing his seed.

The magic man speaks his words of wisdom that contain themes of comitment, the dangers of envy, and never giving into negitive thinking.

He claims his magic soil is sacred and will only be used by those who practice his teachings.

He proclaims that it is their plant and their soil, and only their plant and their soil.

The man is so comitted that he never leaves that crop, nor does he even take his eyes from it.

Untill eventually the magic mans visits become less and less frequent and the small plant slowly starts to wilt.

Neverless, the man still has faith that the magic man will return and sheild the plant from the elements.

And so his eyes stay locked upon the plant.

The plant eventually becomes so weak, that he decides to risk its wellbeing by searching for the magic man and requesting his help.

He travels far and wide, visiting many large green gardens, using them as inspiration for what will one day be his very own.

He eventually concludes that he has foresaken the magic man by questioning their trust and falling for envy.

He vows to never do it again.

Trusting that the magic man is one of his word, the man returns to his small plant. It is still green but yet the leaves face teard the ground and its stem lie weak.

And so the magic man returns.

Once again he spares his fetil soil, preaches his wise words, and wonders back into the forest at the edge of the feild, but this time the man follows him.

He notices the magic man gathering the crops of the other lush gardens while delivering his soil.

He does this at many gardens and gives as much soil as they give him in crops.

All while preaching the same morals that were given to him.

The man rushed to his empty feild now knowing the reason for the sparse visitations from the magic man.

Terrified, he returns to gazing upon his plant hoping that it will spring back to life and ignoring the reality that the magic man has spoke false preachings the whole time.

He stares for days, occasionally visited by the magic man, but it never mattered.

The plant dies and the warm weather is gone.

The magic man collects his offering and leaves.

Once the man looks up, he finds a snow covered wasteland, overshadowed by a grey overcast sky.

He is alone, cold, and tired.

So much time and comitment was wasted just to get him back to the same spot he started.

He vows to never trust in anyone again.

Years later, the magic man thrives, while the man sits in his feild of failure.

Dreaming of what he always wanted, could have had, but can never aquire. Knowing that the whole time he was restrained to the chains of betrayal.

And so he dies.

Alone.

[luntica]

Random talk about what might be classified as an alter

So I'm gonna start out with before I knew I was autistic, I did tons of research on different mental disorders in order to try and figure out what was "wrong" with me. Some would fit close but not spot on, and others made me worry too much about becoming institutionalized. Horrid fear of mental hospitals. One of the ones that fit both sectors was dissociative identity Disorder. The fear surrounding the disorder kept me from talking about the weird brain stuff i had going and I definitely didn't seek help. It took twenty years before I got a diagnosis of autism, and 18 years before I even looked at getting a therapist.

So I'll tell you the things I wouldn't have told anyone a few years back.

I know where I grew up only by state and some vague imagery. I was only about seven when the family moved to Germany and I don't remeber most things till about last two years of middle school. I have huge gaps of memory, and the few memories I do have I've been told years later. So they aren't fully legit. My mother said I had a imaginary friend named Matt, since I was young. But I don't remeber even hearing Matt's voice in my head till that middle school period. Matt showed up, in my memory, when I was in my last year of middle school. I remeber that I was walking to the teen center (basically a day care) when he started yapping about how all my friends would Betray Me. I of course ask who he was and why he would say that. He introduced himself and stated that just as things got worse at home all my friends moved up into highschool and it would always be like that. That started a long difficult relationship of him being negitive and me listening to it.

My dad was emotionally abusive at the least, neglective and strict.

My later therapist would state that due to that and my autism, I have trama.

I dissociated Alot during middle school, I didn't know it then because I didn't even know what the word was at the time let alone the many forms. But I did. "Zoning" out, not feeling like my body was mine, not recognizing my face in the mirror, the world feeling unreal, like I was just watching things happen. To this day of you asked me what type of personality I am, I wouldn't be able to tell you. I hope to funny, smart and caring. But I don't know what I really am. I don't have a real sense of self. I'm working on it and making strides but yea :/

Matt always pointed out the negitive and trusted No one. Not that I blame him after all the emotional abuse at home and emotional bulling at school, even from a nurse at one point. But as I grew closer to being 16, the age my mind told me was the no turning back point to adult hood and responsibilities, which I felt I couldn't handle on my own, which my dad had told me was the worst possible thing and ment I would be a burden to society. He got more aggressive. He'd threaten more and sometimes his words became my words. I got scared. I ended up having two major times he was in more control than I was cool with him having (texting mostly was his allowed control) once he thought the best solution to stop a friend bad joke was to jump up on the balcony railing and threaten to jump off too. My spiritual twin watched in horror as her two friends stood on the edge of a balcony threatening to jump. One joking, one not.

The other time, and I can't remember the order, I was having a bad emotional day and was sitting in the living room thinking about how stressful things were, when he edged me on to pick up a pocket knife. When I didn't, he did. He cut my left wrist, small barely notable. And my brother walked in. They talked like everything was normal before my bro started to game. Right behind my brother's back he made another cut, deeper but same length, than showed it to my bro saying it was cat scratches, a lie I ended up using at school when friend asked about the bandaid on my arm.

I grew fearful of ever letting him control again. I was suicidal but I didn't want to torture my friends like that. He tested them and I didn't like it. So I held him in, he boiled and ragged, I would find him sending mean stuff to people online, and messaging a guy who was our friend constantly fighting. I remebered most times it happened but I look back now and though I thought it was only a couple times that one friend talked with Matt, the two talked like old rivals. Idk

Anyway. Now adays I rarely hear him. And get only intrusive thoughts from time to time.

And I want to be able to be open about my mental stuff because there shouldn't be a stigma to it. People should try and understand them selves and seek help is needed.

I don't know if I've got a dissociative disorder. But if I do, it isn't a problem. It was a way of coping with what was happening to me. I havn't killed anyone and I'm still here surviving my trama.

Idk where I was going with this.

Bleh

[ask-the-voidlings]

((Scaling scaring thingy)) Edge smirks, "Negitive five." She says, referring to Bass.

“What the--”

“You’re just sayin’ that now ‘cause I’m too nice ‘ta hit a freakin’ girl.”