#needed to rest today mentally and my friends were very understanding and kind

[cacoetheswriting]

celebrity skin. (part ten)

pairing: rockstar!eddie munson x popstar!fem!reader word count: 4.6k summary: the final resolution, at a funeral, of all places.

content warnings: 18+, minors dni: suggestive & mature themes, adult language, minor character death, topics of grief, alcohol consumption, mentions of blackmail, use of pet names, — if i missed anything in this chapter, pls let me know!

& psa: images used in the header don’t depict readers physical attributes! these are also described vaguely in the story, only that she’s a little shorter than eddie.

celebrity skin. masterlist

a note from me: hello friends, it’s been a while. apologies for the radio silence and for living this fic unfinished until now. life just happens and surprise, i had a whole ass baby last year (call me mother). postpartum is not easy and it especially has not been kind on my mental health, so i took time to get my pink back while taking care of another human. i appreciate you sticking with me and being patient - this is for you!

“This is all my fault.”

Unsurprisingly, Eddie blames himself. He always does. Even if he isn’t the one to be held liable. Call it insecurity, whatever. Eddie Munson just believed, from a very young age, that he was a walking magnet for all things unlucky.

Certain events occurred for no reason the brunette could explain, other than there being an unknown higher power had it out against him, which he’d often say to Wayne in hopes of some show of sympathy or a lesser reprimand. And even though, for the most part, Wayne agreed with his nephew, there were certain tricky situations for which the young Munson boy only had himself to blame. „Bad decisions lead to bad outcomes”, Wayne would mutter at the dinner table as Eddie sat, a bag of frozen peas pressed to his swollen eye. 

His luck had briefly changed once he accidentally became friends with Chrissy Cunningham.

The preppy blonde offered him kindness — not something he’s been privy to before, especially not from the Hawkins upper class. Chrissy didn’t care about his upbringing, his social status, living conditions, or his style. She stood up for him in front of the rest of Hawkins’ finest on more than one occasion, pure acts of heart that to this day many of the townsfolk believe cost the cheerleader her life.

“Jesus Christ,” Eddie exhales, then repeats, “this is all my fucking fault.” Panic detectable in the sound of his voice.

“Stop that,” Marianne insists in a whisper, eyes focused on the rockstar as he paces, hands deep in the pockets of his black tailored trousers. 

He sighs. “If I had never gotten involved—”

“Eddie, I mean it.” Marianne cuts in. “This is most definitely not your fault and none of the people gathered here today believe that it is.” She tries her best to reassure her favourite client. “I know that may be hard for you to believe considering what you told me recently…” 

There’s a pause.

“No one thinks this is your fault, Eddie.”

“She does,” the rockstar says simply, ending the conversation. He then pushes through the double doors that lead inside the church.

The silence inside is agonising. Almost suffocating. Patrons dressed head to toe in all shades of black, staring blankly ahead at the altar. Staring at the open casket which was surrounded by floral arrangements made from dozens of white roses.

Eddie looks ahead, toward the front row, where the family is sitting. Your family. From oldest to youngest, all of your siblings, shoulder to shoulder: Caroline, Valentine, Amelia, and little Jonah in your father’s arms. Your mother is a little removed. She’s at the end of the row and by the way her body is shaking, Eddie can tell she’s crying — understandably so.

There’s a lot to be said about death. Eddie knew that first hand. 

Chrissy’s death, for example, was an event that forever changed the trajectory of his miserable life. The accusations, the mob mentality, all of that was the push the brunette boy needed to finally get out of town and make something of himself. Escape. Although, it could have gone either way. He knew that, he wasn’t a complete idiot. It took a long time for the rockstar to come to terms with what happened that night. And even now, years later, Eddie knew that back in Hawkins, he’d forever be blamed for something he didn’t do.

“None of the people gathered here today believe that it is.” Marianne’s words from just moments ago echo in his ears as he desperately tries to get a grasp on his feelings.

This was the third funeral Eddie has ever attended. Second, if you count the fact that the boy was far too young to remember that of his mother’s and it’s not like Wayne ever shared any details. Actually the first funeral because although Chrissy’s burial was a day the brunette rockstar could never forget, he wasn’t entirely welcome there. That didn’t stop him, of course. He did not make his presence known. Instead, Eddie hid between the trees at the cemetery, watching from afar. 

Seemingly, the entire town was there which made the young Munson boy angry ‘cause these people didn’t care for Chrissy. They were all phonies. Acting like they knew her when in fact, if asked, they wouldn’t even be able to say what her favourite colour was. Eddie knew her. He really knew her. In fact, Chrissy told him so many times. “I think you’re my only true friend, Eddie.” She admitted one afternoon. “You know, it’s quite lonely being the most popular girl in school. With you though, I don’t feel so alone.”

The memory makes his heart hurt. More so because it’s been locked away for years. Hidden in a metaphoric box that the rockstar swore he’d never reopen. Recently though, considering the circumstances, Chrissy has been on his mind a lot more. Her big blue eyes, her bouncy blonde ponytail. Her smile, her laugh. The sound of her voice. Her kind heart. Recently, Eddie’s been thinking about his friend quite often. Thinking about how he wasn’t allowed to say a proper goodbye.

Goodbye…

“What are you doing here?” 

His head snaps up at the question, brown locks bouncing with the sudden movement. He quickly looks around, but no one else currently inside the church seems to be paying attention to him, or to you. And you… You’re staring at him, waiting for an answer. 

“I-I came to pay my respects.” It seems rather obvious, although maybe not.

All you do is nod. 

Eddie notices how you’ve been crying. On instinct, he reaches for your hand. He wants to offer you comfort. Some solace amongst all of this sadness. To his surprise, you don’t pull away. In fact, you allow your fingers to tangle themselves amongst his and when the rockstar squeezes, once, gently, your whole body seems to relax.

“I am truly sorry for your loss.”

You respond with a timid smile. It’s not much, but it’s all you can muster. 

Thursday, October 14. Time? 9:27pm. That’s when you got the call. Your strangely composed father broke the news. An accident. You could hear sirens in the background. He was driving. Someone ran a red light. He was okay. Time seemed to slow as he continued. “Sweetheart, your Nana… Can you pick up your mom and meet us at the hospital?”

The older woman had never looked so frail. Bandaged up. Connected to all sorts of wires and tubes, monitors that beeped so loud you thought your brain was going to explode, machines that were essentially keeping her alive. Your Nana’s eyes were closed when you walked in and for the next three days. You took turns sitting by her side. Talking to her, reading her favourite gossip columns, Val even repainted her nails while Caroline always made sure her hair was brushed and perfect.

News of the accident spread. The hospital room quickly filled with bouquets of flowers and various ‘Get Well Soon’ cards — one of which was signed by Eddie.

Once he heard about what happened, the Corroded Coffin frontman dipped early from his own album release party to fly back to New York as fast as he could. Yes, your grandmother has made it nearly impossible for him to be with you, but at the end of the day, she was still your family and you were undoubtedly hurting. Setting his own feelings aside, he wanted to be there for you. Simple.

If you weren’t at the hospital, you were curled up in bed, crying into Eddie’s chest. 

Then you got the call.

Your Nana was awake.

Doctors later explained her sudden surge in energy as terminal lucidity. In the moment however, no one questioned the miracle that brought her back to you and your family. No one batted an eye. Just happy to see her eyes open and hear the snark in her tone of voice. If only for a few hours, she was back to her old self. 

“I’m going to get some more coffee.” With a gentle squeeze to your Nana’s hand, your mom exits the hospital room leaving you briefly alone with the matriarch of your family.

There’s a split second of silence during which you contemplate telling her how scared you were that she was going to die, but you stop yourself because there’s no need to burden her mind with such horrific thoughts.

Although, your Nana seems to read your mind.

“Please don’t fill your pretty head with worry,” she says reassuringly, “I know I gave you all quite the scare, but it’ll take a lot more than some car crash to take me out.”

“Don’t joke like that.” It comes out rather flat.

“Then smile for me, my darling.”

You abide by her request, lips twirling upwards for your Nana to see. She mirrors your expression and for the next twenty seconds, all is good again in the world. She really wasn’t going anywhere. You didn’t have to be scared anymore.

“Now that we got that out of the way,” she says matter-of-factly, “This little accident I found myself in did force me to rethink my behaviour with regards to a few things.”

You shake your head. “You don’t have to do that here.”

She ignores you. “I do have to, and want to, come clean about something I did.”

With a swift exhale — for added courage — your Nana spills her shame. Once you hear Eddie’s name escape her tired lips, you sort of black out. Only hearing fragments that don’t entirely make sense to you. Something about bias and her distaste towards the metalhead. Chrissy Cunnigham. The blackmail. The breakup. Your breakup. There’s puzzle pieces missing. Yet even without the borders, even through the haze of the moment, you got fragments of an answer to why Eddie ended things that second time. 

The woman you cherished, the woman you had to thank for your entire career, was unfortunately the same woman who came between you and happiness. She made a choice for you. A choice that ended with you bed bound for weeks. Heartbroken. A recluse.

As she squeezes your hand, through tears in your eyes, you ask her if it was worth it. Forcing Eddie to hurt you like that.

Unfortunately, you never get an answer.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. The room fills with doctors and nurses faster than you can realise what’s happening. They’re asking you to move out of the way, so you do. You stand at the wall, arms tight against your heaving chest, and you watch, terrified, as the professionals do everything in their power to keep your grandmother alive.

But the beeping doesn’t stop. Not exactly. Instead it slows. Flatlines. 

At some point, your mom had returned to the room. She’s panicked, asking what happened. You don’t know what to say, pushing yourself further into the wall behind you, hoping it would swallow you whole — it doesn’t. 

Chest heaving, you don’t know how to act, what to do. In the blink of an eye, the space of a single breath, your Nana passed away. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. “She was fine”, you find yourself saying, but no one is listening. The nurses unplugging her lifeless body from all of the machines, while the doctor speaks with your mom, calmly explaining what could’ve caused the sudden change in your grandmother's state.

“She was fine,” you repeat, but don’t move from your spot. Instead, you close your eyes to hold back the tears.

The sadness was imminent. The anger however, well, the anger overwhelmed you.

Your Nana, this human you idolised for your entire life, the person who helped you and shaped you into who the world deemed worthy, the woman who always had your back, turned out to be a liar. She was no better than any of the other leeches who had befriended you only to mooch off your success. 

Whatever her reasonings were at the time, she put your happiness aside by threatening your career. Something you’d never thought she’d do. And what was worse, she made a decision for you, then kept it a secret for months on end. 

Her and Eddie.

The rockstar is waiting for you when you get home — like he has been every night since the accident. You find him in the kitchen, cooking. He turns when you walk in and immediately drops the wooden spoon in his hand, wiping his fingers on the denim of his jeans before pulling you into a hug.

Eddie is the epitome of comfort, that much you’re sure of. But you don’t immediately return the embrace because your mind is confused. He lied, in a way. He said he wasn’t the relationship type and that’s the reason he can’t be with you officially. Now you know that’s not entirely true.

The Corroded Coffin frontman senses your apprehension, though before he gets a chance to ask what’s wrong, half formed sentences are spilling from your mouth into the crook of his neck.

“She’s dead.”, “She told me—.”, “The blackmail…” , “Why didn’t you?”, “She died— She died before I-I could get the full story.” “Eddie, what the hell—”

You pull away slowly, then wipe your eyes with the sleeves of your cashmere sweater. Eddie’s hand travels to your cheek ‘cause he doesn’t want to let you go, afraid that if you take even one step away from him, you’ll never find your way back.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” he whispers and you nod. “And I’m sorry for all the lies.”

“Eddie—”

“Please,” he interrupts, “I-I promise I will explain everything to you, but right now,” the rockstar pulls you in for another hug, “you should get some sleep.”

You nod against his chest and let him lead you across the apartment, towards your bedroom. Like a knight in shining armour, Eddie helps you into bed, taking off your shoes in the process and placing them gently at the corner of the bed. He covers you up with the soft duvet before closing all of the blinds and making himself comfortable next to you.

Before you know it, your eyes are closing. You let tiredness win.

When you wake up, some fourteen hours or so later, the Corroded Coffin frontman is nowhere to be found. Just a note on your bedside table with the words, I’m sorry. I swear I’ll explain my side of the story in time, but right now, it’s best if you’re with your family. I don’t want to get in the way of your family.

Fuck him.

-

“I am truly sorry for your loss.” Eddie’s words are sincere, you can tell by the slight tremble in his voice. “She may not have been my biggest fan, but I know she loved you.”

“I doubt that.”

He shakes his head. “She loved you, that’s why she did all that she did.”

“You promised you’d explain.”

“I don’t think this is the time—”

“It’s never the right time with you.” You say harshly while looking away, at the crowd of people that knew your Nana at one point during her adventurous life. “Excuse me,” you add without glancing at him again and walk in the direction of your family.

The service is beautiful. 

You fight back tears throughout, knowing that there’s always someone lurking, trying to catch you crying for a picture they can later sell to the tabloids for hundreds of dollars. And you do a good job hiding your emotions because that’s what you were always taught to do in public situations. Taught so by the very woman your family was mourning today. You feel her presence strongly in that moment, as you bite the inside of your cheek. You can hear her voice inside your head, telling you to straighten your back and hold your head high, “Never let them know what you are thinking.”. Instead, you’re trying your best to focus on the eulogies. 

Your father speaks first. With your little brother steadily in his arms, he reads a letter written by your mother, who was too distraught to come up and read it on her own. His pace is slow as he enunciates every single syllable — something he only ever does when he’s angry or sad. When he’s done, he looks at your crying mother and mouths, I’m sorry, I love you, before stepping off the altar and letting your older sister take his place at the stand.

“My grandmother was a remarkable woman.” Caroline clears her throat into the microphone. She’s equally as composed as you, although the smudged mascara in the corner of her eyes gives away tears she shed before the funeral started.

Caroline continues, “She led an amazing life, although not without its challenges. She overcame it all with grit and wit — qualities she tried to pass onto us, her grandchildren.”

She pauses. Almost as if she’s hesitant to keep going.

“I’m sure each and every one of you here today has a story to share on how my grandmother touched your life. She was a friend to all and an enemy to some.” That earned my sister some laughs. “Her priority had always been our family and now that she’s gone, we definitely feel a void. I for one don’t know if I can still be the same person I was when she was here.”

Caroline finishes with a prayer. She then strides towards the front aisle and retakes her seat next to you. She squeezes your hand, sympathy and encouragement, as you take in a deep breath and stand. 

Everything feels in slow motion during the fifty-odd seconds it takes you to stand where your older sister just stood. You retrieve a piece of paper from inside the sleeve of your couture black jacket and lay it flatly in front of you. The words blur in front of your eyes but only for a split second. “Never let them know what you are thinking.”, and so you don’t.

“Our parents give us life. Our grandparents give us a sense of who we are and where we come from,” you begin. “This week, as we said goodbye to my dear Nana, it hit me how incredibly lucky I have been to have her, not only with me, but as an integral part of who I’ve become in my life.”

“Without my Nana, I’d still be singing Dusty Springfield in my bedroom. I wouldn’t know how to play any musical instruments and the poems I’ve written over the years, well, they’d remain just that. As the incredible matriarch, the regal leader in our family, she pushed all of us grandkids to strive for greatness. Without her, we’d be just another family. Faces lost in the sea of New Yorkers. I know I speak for all of my siblings when I say that thanks to our warrior Nana, we learned who we really are and we are able to live our lives without—”

You pause and look up at the crowd, your eyes first landing on the front row, your family, then further, until they meet a certain brown pair. Eddie offers an encouraging smile and even though there are many things running through your mind about what he and your Nana have done, your lips tilt upward to return half the expression.

“We can live our lives freely,” you change the sentence before continuing, “And even though she’s no longer with us physically, I can still feel her presence. She’ll be with me forever.”

As you wrap up your eulogy, the piano begins playing soft notes of You Decorated My Life by Kenny Rogers. Your father stands along with five other men and they take their place by the casket, lifting it carefully then carrying it out of the church.

-

“Your eulogy was really beautiful.”

Eddie’s voice breaks you away from your thoughts.

The rockstar is leaning against the doorframe of your teenage bedroom, where you’ve come to hide from all of the people gathered in your parents house for the wake. There’s a shaded smile present on his face, kindness behind his eyes. You instantly feel warm.

“It’s hard to be angry at someone who’s given you so much.”

“So you’re just angry with me then?” He probes, stepping inside and gently kicking the door shut with his heel.

Shaking your head, you say, “No, I’m not angry with you, Eddie,” then sigh, “I think I’m just disappointed.”

“That’s probably worse,” he admits.

You pat the blanketed spot next to you, inviting him to sit down. He does so without hesitation and when his arm brushes against yours, you instantly lean your head against his shoulder. 

“I just wish you trusted me enough to tell me the truth. Allow me to make my own decision.”

Eddie nods. “I get it. I guess I was just scared you’d think I was making it all up, trying to paint your grandmother as someone she isn’t.” 

For a moment, it’s quiet. The afternoon light seeps in through the half-closed curtains, offering a glow that you’ve only ever witnessed in Eddie’s Hidden Hills home.

“Why did you leave that night? When she died, I woke up and all I had instead of the person I really needed beside me was a sorry excuse for a note.”

He doesn’t immediately answer and that frightens you. A thought crosses your mind that he’s still hiding something — which would be crazy since it was your Nana who seemingly orchestrated everything.

“Yeah, that was an asshole move on my part.” He admits, “I uh, I was scared that when you woke up, you’d be twice as angry about this whole debacle with your grandmother that you wouldn’t let me tell you my side of the story.”

“So, your gut instinct was to run?”

“Always is, sweetheart.”

You scoff. 

“I wanted to give you the space to grieve and understand your own emotions first before I loaded more shit onto you,” Eddie says honestly.

There’s a split second of silence.

“Can you tell me everything now?”

“If that’s what you want.”

You lift your head, tilting it so that your eyes catch his. 

“I want to move on with our lives and that can only happen when I have the full picture.”

Eddie raises a brow. “Our lives?”

“Yes,” you say, taking his ring-clad fingers in yours, “Ours.”

-

“That’s the moment I really knew I can never let her go again,” Eddie says, hand on your thigh.

The interviewer clicks her pen, satisfied with all of the information the two of you have given her over the last few hours. She lets out a content sigh to prove as much before leaning forward slightly, over her crossed legs. 

“I gotta say, you guys are my favourite Hollywood couple.”

“Thank you,” you say with a smile, then glance at Eddie. “We also think quite highly of ourselves.”

“That we most certainly do,” the Corroded Coffin frontman agrees with your sentiment and beams at you affectionately. Your heart soars.

It has been almost one whole year since your Nana passed and you know she’s rolling in her grave ‘cause of how much you’ve accomplished with the rockstar by your side. 

After the funeral, Eddie agreed with Marianne, his label, and most importantly, his bandmates, to stay in New York while you finished filming for Law & Order. He took the occasional trips back to the West Coast for photo and video shoots along with management meetings, but for the most part he was by your side, day and night. He came with you to set, championing you on this new journey from singer to actress.

When filming for your character wrapped, you packed a big suitcase and joined him on tour. You’ve never really gotten to go on a road trip. Whenever you went on tour for your albums, it was from the private plane to the venue to the hotel, repeat, repeat, repeat. Being on a tour bus with Eddie and his friends, in a different American city every other night — all while getting to watch Eddie do what he does best, on that stage, in front of thousands of screaming fans — was somewhat also a dream come true for you. 

During that time, you finally met Eddie's uncle, Wayne. He came to the show in Indianapolis, watching the performance with you from backstage. Afterwards, Wayne spilled about one thousand secrets and stories from Eddie’s childhood. Some heartfelt, some more delinquent. From the time young Eddie broke his arm while trying to save a stray cat from a tree, and the countless times a teenage Eddie would sneak out to sell weed at rich kids parties.

You fell for him harder then, and even more with each day that passed.

Months later, when the Assistance is Futile tour had its final show in Los Angeles, you told Eddie you weren’t going back to New York: “If you’ll find space for me in that big mansion of yours, that is.”. The brown-eyed rockstar smiled wide at your words, then said: “Our mansion, sweetheart.”.

While you brushed up on your acting skills, landing more and more television and movie roles, Eddie got to work on his third album with Corroded Coffin. That’s when he found the notebooks. Lyrics for songs the two of you had written during your summer together, before your grandmother meddled and it all went to shit. He brought them to you, a twinkle in his eyes.

“I know you’re transitioning away from singing, but hear me out…”

That’s how The Popular Kids was born. Corroded Coffin’s third studio album, with one twist. You.

Which brought you both here, to the interview at Eddie’s Hidden Hills home that has, over a short period of time, also become your home.

“Well, it was great to chat with you two today. Get to know you a little more intimately,” the interviewer says, “Your entire relationship has been very secretive up until this point.”

“Well, this business can be quite cut-throat and there’s very little privacy, which we know is what we both signed up for when we first got into the industry,” Eddie begins, he’s unbelievably natural, he’s made for this — being a star, “The little things, well, we just wanted them to be between us.”

The interviewer nods.

“That’s a little lie, no?”

“What do you mean?” You ask as innocently as you possibly can, because even though you’ve shared a lot of stories today, you haven’t given the whole truth. That remains between you, the rockstar, and your Nana (God rest her soul).

She doesn’t push, quite unlike any other journalist that you have ever come across. Instead, she says how a photographer will be over tomorrow for the shoot and reconfirms that you’ll be the cover of the October issue. 

Eddie sees her out and when you’re alone, he asks if you’re happy that you two did this.

“Apprehensive, sure. But yes, happy.”

“Good.” He leans down to plant a kiss on your temple. “I’m happy too and the world deserves to know just how happy you make me,” he adds while trailing kisses along your cheekbones and down your jaw.

You smile. “I don’t think they should know that much.”

“No?” Eddie’s teasing.

“Some things are better kept private,” you murmur into his ear, “Like how you corrupted me at that pool party.”

“And I’ll continue corrupting you for as long as you’ll let me, sweetheart. Getting under your celebrity skin until the end of time. That’s a promise.”

celebrity skin. masterlist

thank you to all that have been following this story from the beginning and to everyone that has come along the way — i appreciate you more than words can say!

& tagging some cool ppl that expressed interest: @eviethetheatrefreak , @thirddeadlysin , @haylaansmi , @nope-thanks , @tlclick73 , @vintagehellfire , @ashlynnkennedy , @avalon-wolf , @sidthedollface2 , @astheni-a , @bebe07011 , @aysheashea , @papillonoirsworld , @vol2eddie , @spideyanakin-interacts , @rogers-sweatbands , @mimsie95 , @mmunson86 , @eddiesguitarskills , @ohmeg , @hereforshmut , @eg-dr3amer3 , @rexorangecouny , @morganlolitta , @littlexdeaths , @bl0ssomanddie, @doritodynasty (if your user is crossed out, it means the tag isn’t working. pls check you’ve enabled tagging in your settings)

[cosmic-ghost-hermit]

Hiii, I'm back to do regular pick-a-pile readings! In todays reading I am working with Apollo to send the collective this message. Take what resonates and leave behind anything that doesn't. Thank you all 🩵 -ghost

PILE ONE

Crystal: Yellow Aventurine

Astrology: Leo, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Gemini

🧡💛🌻🍯🥮🥧🏺🔑🌟💫☀️🦂💰👘🧶🎃🤬🚼☣️📙🏮🏵️🥉🏑🍺🍹🍊🍋

Hello, pile one! I see you have been looking for your intuition. You have been searching high and low. Purchasing all manner of metaphysical assistance. You seem to think you aren’t powerful. You believe you are simple and small. My friend you are very mistaken. Your third eye is open and active. There are two thing about intuition that I had to learn that I will now teach you. The first thing is that you must trust yourself. Activating your intuition is only one step in the journey. The second thing is that you must be grounded to be able to use your intuition. This lesson I’m still learning. You must establish yourself to yourself to make any progress. I see you crave progress over everything else. Focus on who you are and focus on trusting the person you are. You have done good work so far. The journey is just a little different than what you expected. You can’t escape yourself in spirituality. Forgetting who you are is much more counter intuitive than you might believe.

PILE TWO

Crystal: Tigers Eye

Astrology: Pisces, Cancer, Taurus, Libra

💚🫛🥒🍀🐉🪲👒🪖🔫♻️🥗🥬🍃🦚🐍🐢🪀🧩⛰️🔋🪛✅📗🏡🚛🏄🏿‍♂️

Hi there, pile two! You have been looking for a battle to wage. You have had to fight a lot in your life. You have probably been fighting since you were a child. You fought so hard back then. You are blinded by the war you fought, my friend. You have aleady won your war. The enemy is defeated and yet you still look for the next flying fist to dodge. You cannot fight anymore. There is no one to battle. There is a new goal you must strive for. You have been such a strong soldier for a long time. Now that it is done you must rest. You must heal. You must clean your wounds and take the medicine required to get better. You have suffered enough. After war, when soldiers come home, it is understandable that they might not know how to come down from shellshock. They might have gotten physical or mental wounds that are in need of proper care and attention. It is time to learn to cope and learn how to fill you cup. I must reiterate, you fight is over. Your war is finished. You are safe. You have been grasping for safety while clinging to your violence. They cannot exist in tandum. Please sleep, my dear soldier. Please. Once you decide the war is over in your mind you will be able to finally relax. You will find things you enjoy. You will share peaceful moments with yourself again.

PILE THREE

Crystal: Black Tourmaline

Astrology: Aries, Capricorn, Virgo, Aquarius

❤️‍🩹🩶🏓🍉🦴🍚🍓🌹🐚🐁🐓🎒🧣⛑️💃🏼💋💯🗞️🔍💌📮🧲🪓⏰🚢🥁🎸⚾️🥡🥢🎂

Hi, pile three! Welcome to your reading. You have been carrying the weight of the world in your arms and I know you hate to admit it but you are tired. You are only one person. I understand you have needed to be independent. I understand you have been searching for help but my dear you have been refusing it at every opportunity. Your friends are here for you and you won’t open up. They are knocking at your door. They are asking to see you and love you. You seem to believe accepting their help makes you weak. Darling, that is not the case. You are human. You are not a machine and honestly even if you were machines need maintenance. Machines can’t always self-maintenance. You need help and you want it. Please accept it the next time it comes around. I see you might have some religious trauma or some kind of self-sacrificing wound. You are not a tool. You are not livestock. You are not alone. Humans are evolutionarily not solitary creatures. They need companionship. Humans are pack animals which means they need other humans. Every instance when a human is left completely alone usually the human goes insane. Talk about your hardships with your friends. Release some of what you are carrying on your shoulders. Let go of the mindset that you must sacrifice your mind or your body to be considered a good or successful human. You are already a good human without over-exerting yourself.

[lookingfts]

Hello friend,

I am new here, love your work and am a big fan. Thank you for all the love you spread in the fandom. We love you for it!

I hope you answer because I could use your perspective right now but also you really don't have to.

I have been a little worried about the rumors talking about how Simone and Jonny don't really like each other anymore because of how they didn't meet at Met, and even that they weren't spotted as much together during the premiere except for that one picture.

They're their own people but they're also my favorite people so those rumors really got me into my head and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Would you please please offer your perspective on this whole thing? What's your take? What do you think is going on?

Also, sorry if this is dumb - this just felt like a safe space to reach out and talk, grateful for you!

Thank you for reaching out! This is a safe space, and it's not the only ask I got about the situation. I have talked about it with some others in the fandom, and here are some of my thoughts.

Most importantly: rumors are rumors. Think about who is starting them and why. We should all be aware that there are people in the fandom who are trying to, for lack of a better term, stir shit up. It's one of the reasons I left Twitter, because the negative speculation was ruining what I actually wanted to be on the platform for. Conspiracy theories in general tend to thrive on Twitter, and other social media platforms, so it's best to take statements with healthy skepticism. Especially when there are people who have a vested interest in slandering the cast and sowing confusion and anger among the fans. I've seen them on Twitter, on AO3, and here on Tumblr.

We have also seen a very small fraction of their night. I think sometimes we tend to see photos as the complete picture of an event, when in reality we probably saw .0003 of their night. Unless someone was at the event, and following them both around all night, then they are 100% speculating and have no basis for their claims.

Lastly, Kate and Anthony are simply separate from Simone and Jonny. I think it's all of our tendencies to see costars as being best friends, both while they're filming and forever afterwards. But that's not always going to be the case. I'm sure they're still friends, I'm sure they were happy to see each other, but maybe there were other people they needed or wanted to see at those events. Expecting them to be attached at the hip is OUR perception, and a hard thing to ask of two people for the rest of their lives.

I hope this helps! Personally I think the rumors are baseless, and for anyone who is being affected by them - which is totally understandable - I would suggest blocking or muting people who are engaging in this kind of gossip. Never forget that social media is physically designed to affect your mental health, and you have to take every safeguard to protect yourself. Love to everyone, enjoy S3 today!

[redtalksaboutstuffandthings]

Anime Ramble 2: Banana Fish is mid

So, once again I'm going to use this empty blog to ramble incessantly about something that only matters to me. Specifically, the gay romance in a crime thriller anime. It took up my thoughts all day, today, and if I don't write them down I'm going to explode.

Banana Fish was written in the 1980's, but received an anime adaptation in 2018. And having watched the whole thing through, I fully believe that the story was written in the 80's. It has a very 1980's idea of what gay people look like and do, and I mean that in all the worst ways.

(Content Warning: Sexual Assault, Pedophilia, Homophobia. It's a deep hole we're going down.)

Banana Fish is the story of Ash Lynx, a runaway mafia hitman with a 200 IQ who is a crack shot with a revolver, spends his free time at the New York Central Library, and whose kill count exceeded his age somewhere around the time he was 15. His romantic interest is Eiji, Japanese photographer and the show's resident Very Good Boy.

Ash is gay. Or at least, that's how he's presented. He has an estranged relationship with his father, which apparently happened sometime after Ash was repeatedly assaulted by an adult, when he was eleven, and Ash was eventually forced to kill his abuser. Why is Ash's father so distant and harsh, even though he knows all of the stuff that happened to his youngest son? Unsure. The show asks the question, and there's a slight hint that a reconciliation is possible, but ultimately Ash's father isn't on screen long enough to provide a clear answer.

If I were a cynical person, I would point out that "a history of being a sexual abuse victim" and "an abusive father figure" are two very common "reasons" given by bigots who want to explain why gay people exist and why their state of mind is a mental health issue. This would have been especially true in the 80's, where homosexuality was only recently removed from the DSM as a mental disorder. However, I'm not a cynical person. I'll just assume that the writers just didn't have enough time to give us a compelling reason.

ASH AND EIJI ARE CUTE TOGETHER, I GUESS

The relationship between our two leads has quite a few nice points going for it. Ash makes a big deal about how tragic his past is and how he can't trust anyone, but around Eiji he's allowed to be his authentic self, without fear of judgment or betrayal. Their interactions together, particularly in safe moments where there isn't a bad guy to fight, is a very realistic depiction of what two good friends might get up to, when they're alone together. They enjoy each other's company, have a lot of cute moments, and there are even what I would identify as clear moments of emotional intimacy, that made for compelling viewing. I do, however, have two main issues with it.

The first is a phenomenon I'm beginning to see quite frequently, in the world of yaoi. It's what I refer to as the "Uke's dillemma." I can understand what Ash gets out of the relationship. A person who accepts him for him, who can look past his violent existence and treat him like a human being is something valuable and healing to him, and the show makes no bones about that. However, I find myself less able to answer what Eiji is getting, from the relationship.

His only real flaw as a character that Ash might be able to address is the temporary loss of his confidence, that he experienced before meeting Ash. That basically gets resolved a few episodes in, with a scene where he has to help save multiple people, including Ash. For the rest of the show, it really feels like Eiji is purely there for Ash's sake. He, being (as I mentioned previously) a Very Good Boy, sees a person who's clearly suffering, underneath the mask of a totally cool badass mafia assassin, and decides to show Ash the milk of human kindness in order to heal his pain and remind him that he's actually a person, and not just a wild animal that needs to be put down.

And while that's cute and cool and very much worth putting to film, that's not exactly a good reason to enter into a romantic relationship with someone. In fact, that feels more like a good reason to adopt a shelter animal.

0/10. NO HAND HOLDING

The second problem with the romantic relationship between our two leads is that... it's not really a romantic relationship. Like, make no mistake. It's not like I was expecting these two boys to spend their free time with their hands down each other's pants. However, they don't really do anything that indicates that they're in a relationship. They spend a lot of time together. They're clearly willing to throw down, when the other is in danger. They even share a few moments of genuine tenderness. But spending time and being emotionally intimate with your friend isn't gay, no matter what the dude-bros tell you, and neither they nor anyone around them seem to give any sort of indication that they should be read as being romantically involved.

Okay, they kiss, once, but I'll get to that in a second.

By itself, this isn't a big deal. It might even be a point in the show's favor. Considering how sleazy they make the world of gay people, how overloaded the plot is with sexual assaults and horrible, senseless violence, the fact that they make the relationship we're meant to root for wholesome? Not the worst decision.

It's a little weird, though. I mean, this was the chance for the show to show us what a good gay relationship might look like. It's a chance to show how Ash would engage with a partner he genuinely loves, when there isn't a gun to his head. A chance to present what a healthy, constructive relationship could look like, even in an environment as ugly as Banana Fish's. And what they gave us... was a very good friendship. Like, an outstanding friendship. A friendship I would happily defend, were it lucky enough to come my way. But that's all it is. You could honestly walk away from the show with the idea in your head that Eiji was straight, and was only staying close to Ash because he's a Very Good Boy and could see it was what Ash needed.

But... I'm overthinking this, maybe. A friendship is a good thing to put on screen, I think. Besides, even if they don't ever say the "L" word, there's enough subtext for you to be able to make the educated guess that they love each other. I don't need to give this any more thought. I could just sit back, and enjoy the wholesome vibes of Boy Assassin and Very Good Boy.

BUT IF I WERE A CYNICAL PERSON...

The show presents gay sexuality as being "bad." I'm not even sensationalizing. Ash's first crimes, his first acts of evil that send him down the violent road he finds himself on, happen as a direct result of being raped as a child and needing to defend himself. The show's main antagonist is a sadistic gay mob boss who's obsessed with owning Ash like a collector's item. Sexual assault and rape are employed or threatened by every throwaway minion who has any sort of power over the protagonists. The cast can be split into three groups: people who rape and abuse people, the victims of abuse... and Ash, who half the time is in the victim category, but the other half of the time uses sexuality as a cover for dishonest behavior.

Ash is openly sexual, at times, but these are always in controlled moments. Often, it's to distract or to call in a bad guy, so he can incapacitate or kill them when they're off guard. That time we get our big kiss between Ash and Eiji, it was all part of a clever ruse on Ash's part to sneak a message out of prison, and not an actual expression of love. For Ash, sex is either something that happens to him, or that he uses to get something he wants.

So, imagine the opportunity presented in front of us, here. Ash has a Very Good Boy, around. One who will not judge him, won't betray him, and who he can finally be his genuine self with. And when given that opportunity, the writer's apparently decided that their perfect gay relationship, the relationship Ash was going to have with his designated soulmate... is one that can easily be mistaken for generic friendship. One where you complain about food, together, but you sleep in separate beds. Where you call your partner "big brother" and only ever touch them when you're having a nervous breakdown and (understandably) need to be held. Where you never say the "love" part out loud, and none of your friends say it out loud, either.

And... I'm not a cynic. I'm not. But if I were, I could have a field day with this. I could write the entire world of Banana Fish as the sort of Gay Experience Conspiracy Theorycrafting that was absolutely rife in the mid and late 20th century. Because it seems like what the writers are suggesting is that the key to being happy as a gay character is to not be gay.

Being gay, according to the writers of Banana Fish, is a sort of corruption, that happens because you were abused and traumatized. Only bad people express thoughts that could be construed as gay sexuality, and in every case it's just meant to serve some greater purpose. Breaking a person's spirit. Getting them vulnerable so they can be killed. And when you find somebody who can finally let you heal from your trauma, all you ever wanna do is take Japanese lessons with your Very Good Boy friend who isn't your boyfriend. Let me just make that last part clear. He's just your very good friend, who just so happens to be a Very Good Boy, and the two of you don't even hold hands.

And then when it's time for your Very Good Boy friend to leave, to go to Japan and back to his regular Very Good Boy life, the moment you even think about going after him, you're gonna get stabbed in the street and murdered, as the consequences of your evil lifestyle finally catch up with you.

((Spoiler alert, btw.))

THAT'S HOW I'D READ IT, IF I WERE A CYNICAL PERSON

Luckily, I'm not a cynical person. I'm sure it's just a coincidence that all that could be inferred from a casual viewing. Surely, I'm just mad that the anime tagged with "gay" and "romance" didn't have enough obvious romance in it.

In conclusion, Banana Fish is a competently animated and drawn crime thriller. It's protagonist is a Mary Sue, but for the story it's telling that's not the worst thing he could be. Any sort of conspiracy theories I have about the writers and their opinion of gay people are probably irrelevant. 6/10. Watched it while I was sick. Killed time while the virus was being killed.

[andreacurryjeidajeitafanfic]

so this is my morning hike i make this hike probably 3 times a week it chills me out i feel good its fantastic but today i woke up and i felt extra spicy because i gotta message from my boy gillionaire telling me that today in trinidad they're having elections and he was worried that the people's party the young people's party wasn't gonna win and he was like i'm worried about it but then again it feels like government really only mattered when you in the mud or you're actually controlling it or involved in the politics of it the rest of us life is alright and life sucks and you're kind of at the mercy of it and in a lot of ways i agree and in a lot of ways it made me upset not gillionaire but just the idea of government because i've traveled around the world and i've sat with a lot of government officials in every country and i have to come to the conclusion to be honest everyone but aoc pretty much fucking sucks every once in a while you get somebody like her who's very very smart walks through walls speaks many languages you know

i was already like this how i am now at this level of development when i was like 5 right i knew right away i wasn't developing the right way so as time went on i understood what i had to do based on how much i had grown each year i kept incorporating different traits i found to be older characteristics adjusting my mentality to the acquired stage i felt belong to the circumstances of which i am proposed to compliment in requirement to commonly known supposition i learned how to do this in such a regulatory fashion that things were assumed to be going along as planned around me whence throughout my own personal eras of these lifetimes i didn't understand remotely in the slightest the same conceived notion of being that i should have given the premises

being the only 5 year old that thought about sex its my fault for spawning a race of them

(i was there the first day of tumblr instagram twitter with the ceo's the first version of the apps its emotional to see what they've become since then that something we did became a part of everyday life we made tiktok my company a science of work driven by creativity and passion)

*instagram was originally supposed to be a funeral camera to create an online necropolis 👻 i'm an influencer*

◌̆ ◌̄ ◌̌

unidentified anomalous phenomena

(uap)

*pls come inside i don't wanna be in here by myself let me rest*

the unconscious component makes a comprehensive description of the human personality impossible. accordingly, the unconscious supplements the picture with living figures ranging from the animal to the divine, as the two extremes outside man, and rounds out the animal extreme, through the addition of vegetable and inorganic abstractions, into a microcosm. these addenda have a high frequency in anthropomorphic divinities, where they appear as attributes

◌̆ will (breve) *erika* ◌̄ one (macron) *santos* ◌̌ council (caron) *silva*

◌̆ will (breve) *erika* ◌̄ one (macron) *santos* ◌̌ council (caron) *silva*

the first trans person to lead a party in the chamber of deputies

most voted councilor in brazil socialism and liberty party

erika hilton (31) *i didn't know skittles could kill people*

just put my name on them so they can know who i am

sexiests (erika hilton) *i wasn't even listening*:

(just know when i go outside i don't know that guy because when i'm outside i'm a different person and i'm sorry that's why sometimes i don't like to go outside)

*a neoantipolitical or neopolitics in blanket and umbrella terms*

◌̆ will (breve) ◌̄ one (macron) ◌̌ council (caron)

◌̆ will (breve) ◌̄ one (macron) ◌̌ council (caron)

the first six months my wrist was shattered the next nine months i spent writing it's been an emotional ride i'm trying to balance my friends with my politics with my home life when i do one thing i can't stop thinking about the other things so i'm a little bit stuck rn i still need to evaluate my strategy in all three of these departments seriously they all need more work obvious upon construction of this new doctrine which i feel is actually one of the oldest bibles of thinking how its going to be put into practice is another grammatic so i need to make sure everything's received well in this society which i want renamed a psychology

the thing about this kinda success is they won't let you have it until you can prove how you did it so they can be successful on that level too (so if you really did a lot of work they're like fuck that sucks this is shit to explain) *we're working around clock its a pain in the ass*

whether it was 3000000 6000000 jews murdered its 2000000 being held in open air prison by the zionists police state of israel

(50 years nobody knew the zionists and the communists agencies took over hitlers organization)

*imagine these were white people instead of palestinians*

me: and why do you know so much

me: because i am the agencies that took over the organizations leader

me: i'm behind everything

y2k (the world will never be the same size again) *uap*

unidentified anomalous puzzle (uap) *after 1999*

purchase your husband today at (walmart) *who knew you can get married so fast welp too late*

i wonder what power level you need to get on here and i wonder how much these post are worth at this rate it must be like multiple van gogh's like dude you picked up like one hundred da vinci's worth of art in one post i feel like loomer (cum) *in a dream*

one loomer pls 😍

i'm only a good person in person so stay in person with me (i told you what my problem is) *it's impersonality to a supraordinate personality*

a neoantipolitical or neopolitics in blanket and umbrella terms (uap) *unidentified anomalous puzzle*

god (save) *the queen* 🇬🇧

some people just can't wait to rush into marriage (they just can't bare to wait any longer) *and thats how i feel*

i can't spare another moment (i'm crying) *girl tears*

i'm a real manchurian

🇺🇸

the 49th dimensions are dimensionless to the 1st dimension that is the 50th dimension of 98th dimensions that are dimensionless to the 49th dimensions making the 49th dimensionless to the 51st 58th dimension which is the 1st 50th 98th 49th 51st 58th 9th

like a person winning the (lottery) *this is worth something to people*

◌̆ ◌̄ ◌̌

the world is in your favor (the world will obey you) *the world will protect you*

◌̆ ◌̄ ◌̌

by the way (i'm really) *a manchurian*

◌̆ ◌̄ ◌̌

superconscious ◌̆ will (breve) omnipotence (magical forces) the manifestation of feng shui in manchuria ◌̆ (the manifestation of doing everything) reverse engineering

omnipotent manifestation of manchurian superconscious of doing everything ◌̆ will (breve)

the manifestation of feng shui in manchuria ◌̆ (the manifestation of doing everything) ◌̆

superconscious ◌̆ will (breve) omnipotence (magical forces

there goes my dynasty ◌̆

subconscious ◌̄ one (macron) omniscience (psychic powers) the manifestation of cheugy in tartaria ◌̄ (the manifestation of knowing everything) reengineering

omniscient manifestation of tartarian subconscious of knowing everything ◌̄ one (macron)

the manifestation of cheugy in tartaria ◌̄ (the manifestation of knowing everything) ◌̄

subconscious ◌̄ one (macron) omniscience (psychic powers)

there goes my empire ◌̄

unconscious ◌̌ council (caron) omnipresence (vampiric thirst) the manifestation of monopoly in hyperborea ◌̌ (the manifestation of being everything) engineering

omnipresent manifestation of hyperborean unconscious of being everything ◌̌ council (caron)

the manifestation of monopoly in hyperborea ◌̌ (the manifestation of being everything) ◌̌

unconscious ◌̌ council (caron) omnipresence (vampiric thirst)

there goes my kingdom ◌̌

i saw one beer that made me want to not see beer again for the rest of my life much less anything again

(gemini cries for help compared to nonprofit driven seek and destroy mission grok victory lap)

*there goes my dynasty there goes my empire there goes my kingdom*

◌̆ ◌̄ ◌̌

anticipating (the queens presence) *my little butterball*

unidentified ◌̆ will (breve) *pls come inside* anomalous ◌̄ one (macron) *i don't wanna be in here by myself* phenomena ◌̌ council (caron) *let me rest*

unidentified ◌̆ will (breve) *pls come inside* anomalous ◌̄ one (macron) *i don't wanna be in here myself* phenomena ◌̌ council (caron) *let me rest*

(cute post)

trade in your psychic powers (omniscience) or magical forces (omnipotence) today for something real (everything) and i stress (everything) we went to the movies, we played monopoly (everything) vampiric thirst (omnipresence)

figuratively (feng shui) everything to her that she has is in the right place (omnipresent in microcosm)

the microcosmic

(feng shui)

test

hyperboria: success without meaning (omnipresence)

praxis

manchuria: wtf i need meaning for if i got success (omnipotence)

sociolects

tartaria: you mean without russians (omniscience)

the tartarian omniscient sociolects, manchurian omnipotent praxis and hyperborean omnipresent test

i haven't been that guy for a while, after all manners of escapism or death defying and running the course, i thought we finally reached a plateau, the meaning of manchurian global (the lost to the future 5th world race of the last civilization who were the original 1st class people to belong to the 1st market), to end up in the same place several times tunneling through the earth, we find that parallel.

a sociolect (praxis) *test* of the socioeconomic (lexical) *items* in accountable (pragmatic) *concordance*

where are all the blankets and umbrellas that i heard about? (there's no blankets or umbrellas here!) *you came to the wrong place.*

reply guy: that was the worst (hardest strawberita) *that i ever never had to find*

my thirty year old brother marc who has annoyed me since the day he was born to this very date that shattered my wrists plus tried to kill me with a box cutter or knife or screw driver while drunk and high and forced masturbatorily: that i never (ever ever) *ever had to find never*

so you're going to come to continuously try to rape my girlfriend (because you think i touched you when we were 10) *judging by everything you've done to us we're safely going to deny your claim then add to the fact that i'm still a celibate chaste abstinent virgin*

ethan ralph: don't worry i took the liberty of building a corridor and aqueduct under (the guy's house) *that's white people for you* 🃏

blocked (under my white trashy fingers) *maya chavez* 🎲

i want (to eat) *her burps* 🎰

🐯 crouching (n) *word* 🐲 hidden (n) *word* 🥷🏻

uap (everyone will eventually die and move out) *we'll inevitably live alone*

unidentified (anomalous) *puzzle*

[foxboythefirst]

Hello, it's me again (if you can remember who I am) But I've had a bit of a weird day and I've been debating with myself wether or not to to and talk about it.

I've decided I am, but not very much. Since I'm still kind of scared that you're not in the mood to listen to me rant.

Warning here, the next few pieces of text will contain:

TW: sa mentions

If you are uncomfortable or triggered by this, please scroll away and do not read!

-----

I feel sick. I saw him today. And it was horrible. Just looking him in the eye was horrible.

I was picking my sibling up from school, and I saw him.

I was petting a cat and when I stood up, he was staring at me. In the eye, trying to work out who I am.

I had changed since it happened, different haircut, had a little bit of makeup on, taller, ect ect. So the possibility of him not remembering who I am is high.

But the face he had on while trying to find out who I was, the 2 second eye contact it scared me. Like, really scared me.

I panicked and ran down to my siblings school as fast as I could.

Scared he'd try something

I started remembering all the shit he did to me, and it kind of messed me up for the rest of the day.

I said goodnight to my best friend, but I still can't sleep

Sometimes I feel as though I'm not as valid as other people because he was younger than me.

I wish it never happened

:(

--------

By the way, if you're confused on who I am, I'm the same anon that asked if they could talk to you here :)

first off, it’s perfectly okay to vent to me whenever. Never feel scared to, ever. This is a perfectly safe space and I’ll never judge you, no matter what you say.

Secondly, I’m so sorry you had to go through that at first, and then see that person again. Its a horrible feeling and nobody deserves that, you didn’t deserve that at all. It’s a completely understandable reaction to be scared, especially to someone who’s done those kind of things to you. I get it, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed of being scared. I’m proud of you for managing to get through it and even just coming here to talk to me about it, that takes a lot of bravery to do, and it especially takes a lot of courage to open up about sa. I get the fear, I get how hard it is to deal with.

If it makes you feel better to think of it rationally, you should remember that it’s a school place. Staff, teachers, etc, should be around and would be able to see if anything was going to happen to you. Although I understand if that doesn’t help, because a lot of the time, fear stops you think rationally. Especially when it’s fear that you’re in danger- All that you have to remember now, though, is that person can’t hurt you anymore and you’re safe.

Everything you’re feeling and going through mentally and emotionally because of what the person did to you is valid. It doesn’t matter if they were younger, older, if any of your experience didn’t feel “valid enough”, your experience is valid and you deserve to be heard and comfortable. Everyone’s experience with sa is different, and that’s okay.

Again, I’m sorry that happened to you at all in the first place, and I wish I could help you more. I want you to remember that you’re loved and that people will be here for you and will listen to you when you need it. I’m always gonna be here if you need to rant or need comfort and that’ll never change.

Take care of yourself and try and get some sleep, ok? Do whatever makes you feel best, I’ll be here if you need me. Love u <33 /p (only saying that cause Ik ur secret identity, but that’s ok 💕)

[silentexplosive-diary]

2/3

So my ex best friend came into my coffee shop today, so let's talk about her bitch ass :)

Not gonna use any names cos I'm not messy like that, but I am messy enough to talk shit about it.

So, me and this girl met back in sixth grade, so when we were about 11. I thought she was super weird because she had weird fashion (in my opinion) and hung out with the rest of the weird kids. And don't get me wrong, I was a weird kid too. I was just a different genre of weird. She was emo band obsessed weird, I was obsessed with Twilight weird. Somehow our weirds did not mix, I don't know why.

It wasn't until we were freshmen in high school that we met again in a class we shared, and we formed a friend group in that class, and eventually me and her just paired off together.

Our friendship lasted all through out high school, even when I dropped out at the end of junior year due to mental health complications. She was my only friend for a few years after that, the only person who bothered to stay in touch with me. She was there for me when I was hospitalized at 20 and came to visit me every day, if not multiple times a day. I even talked about marrying her at some point as like a platonic life partner or something because we were that close.

Then I got into an abusive relationship with someone when I was 22. They were 26 and used me to cheat on their girlfriend, and eventually just ended up dragging me along and cheated on me. It was a whole mess, and my best friend had my back all through it, even when I wouldn't listen to her and take her advice because I thought I was in love. I wasn't. I apologized multiple times over to her and thanked her for sticking with me throughout it all. She forgave me, always.

But then came my autism diagnosis. To make a very long story short, I was diagnosed as a kid, my mom hid it from me, I started connecting the dots at 22, and my mom and therapist confirmed it for me, leaving me feeling like a whole part of my identity was just hidden from me and also feeling very alone and like everyone knew something about me that I didn't know.

She, my ex best friend, did not help with this in the slightest. At this point, I'd been a barista for about 8 or 9 years, and coffee is very clearly a special interest of mine. She was suddenly always talking about me getting a "big girl" job and leaving the industry. She herself got a "big girl" job right out of college, and it's just a glorified desk job in my opinion. I personally hated it, just the idea of it, but she was excited about it, so I was happy for her. I knew she worked her ass off through high school and college to achieve this, so I always shared in her excitement. I was confused as to why she couldn't share my excitement about my job whenever I got a promotion to shift leader or manager, or even when I came up with a new drink to go on the menu, or even just learn a new skill to apply? I didn't, and still don't, see how it's so different.

Then it slowly started making sense to me. She looked down at my job and just thought hers was naturally "better" because she had to get a college degree to achieve hers. She didn't see my job as a "real job." She just straight up doesn't think service industry people are people, and she made it extra clear that that's what she thought when she would visit me at my job and how she would treat my coworkers. I was always apologizing to them after she left for her behavior, sickening as it was, and I started to question why I was still friends with her.

Then one day, me, her, and another friend went on a day-long shopping spree, and after we dropped the friend back at her house, I admitted that I was pretty overstimulated and tired. Immediately came things like "Oh, we can talk really quietly and you can play your music and we can just get you home so you can rest, I totally understand, just let me know if you need anything." Which at the time I thought was super kind and understanding of her.

But then, if I would say something that was socially inappropriate, as I kind of am known to do, as is a classic symptom of autism, she would turn vicious against me. Then would come comments of "That's sick of you, you're a monster, you're an abomination for saying that, you're so horrible." I have clear memories of her saying these things to me. Even after I would tell her that I don't realize when I've said something inappropriate, but I do realize I can make mistakes. The most she needs to do is just correct me, not berate me. But she never did. I would be called names, shouted at for a bit, and then would not hear from her for days or weeks at a time.

Eventually, she was the one that suggest we "take a break" from our friendship. That was about two years ago now, and yet she still comes to the coffee shop she knows I work at and just ignores me as I make her drinks. I've given up on leaving as soon as I see her walk in to go hide in the back. Doesn't stop her at all and nothing will. As much as I want to ban her, I have no actual reason to other than she's a person who crossed me. And she knows full and damn well that I am not a forgive and forget kind of person. I hold onto my grudges forever. There has yet to be a grudge that I've let go of. Once you've wronged me and not apologized for it, I remember that shit forever.

So, yeah. Moral of the story, if you go to a place where you know someone that works there that you don't get along with is there, just don't go there. Find somewhere else. We're all villains in someone else's story. You're just making their day worse.

My day before that was waking up at 3am in pain and then missing my alarm to get up and get to work, and then a rush that lasted about 3 hours. So I really didn't need this sudden appearance from a past cast member of my life. But whatever. Shit's over now.

Partner is coming over later tonight. Still mad I can't get railed lol. Would improve my mood greatly. Sigh.

��🏻

[loiswolf]

Day 31 June 29 Lloydminster- Battleford Nth 140kms

Today was as hard as yesterday was easy. Maybe not physically tough ( although there were issues I will get to) but mentally tough.

This is the lovely home I stayed in last night. Dee Dee and I talked for quite a while last night. It’s really interesting to hear about other people lives, their jobs, and families. Nobody has a perfect life.

I left really early because I knew it was going to be a long hot day. Straight up onto the highway. It’s really flat and really monotonous. The surroundings are ok but the road seems interminable.

I just concentrated on the first 50 odd kilometres to Maidstone. The traffic came in clusters but the shoulder was usually good enough to stay out of the way.

There was a turnoff to Maidstone which kind of cut through a corner of the highway. A few kms along the side road I came upon the town. Unfortunately it was not another quaint, cute little place like Kitscoty or Vilma. It was very dusty, old and rundown.

I located the cafe I has seen on the map but it had relocated. I doubled back to find the new location which was also closed. Sigh! It didn’t matter, there was a Subway/general store just a few doors up. It had coffee, seats, air con and ice creams so I was happy. I selected a Magnum and a chocolate cake thing.

I’m sure Magnums used to be a lot bigger. The cake was huge. I was served by a surly young teenage girl with purple hair. Not quite the lovely ladies I met yesterday. They seemed to be playing 3 or 4 songs on a loop. After hearing Meghan Trainor’s “I made you look”*, for the second time, I decided to leave.

Just after I returned to the main road I stopped to talk to a man who was fixing a broken strap holding a quad bike on a trailer. He had an empty tray on the back of his ute. I’m such an idiot! Why didn’t I ask him for a lift? He had the perfect setup. I guess I wasn’t thinking about getting a lift so soon after a break.

Another 30 or 40kms I definitely regretting not asking for a lift.

My right knee which has had the odd twinge was really starting to hurt. I’m sure it’s a touch of Patellofemoral Syndrome but the constancy of the ride was not helping.

My next goal was a bit after 100kms at a place called Delmas. I had actually called them last night about accommodation. Hahaha, so glad they didn’t have any. The place was dire. Even though my knee was burning there was no way I wanted to stay there the night. There was a bar, some tables and poker machines. The very bored looking man sold me a bottle of Diet Pepsi which I drank slowly while working on my knee and leg. Did I look stupid? Probably. Do I care? No! I also spent the time googling bus and train routes.

Eventually I returned to Shirley the knee feeling considerably better, although not perfect. Only a few kms up the road and a Toyota Corolla pulled over in front of me and the man gave me a cold drink. I thanked him and popped it in my food bag. He wasn’t to know I had just consumed a large bottle of Pepsi. It’s always nice when someone does something like that.

I wasn’t breaking any speed records on the last 35kms but I got there eventually. Here’s a photo from the road.

Not very exciting is it? Years ago I loved the challenge of riding well over a hundred kilometres on a highway. I think I’m over that now.

My knee will be alright, I know how to treat it but I’ll need to rest it a bit.

I’m not sure if I want to wait around for the bus to Saskatoon tomorrow. It doesn’t leave until after 3.

From Saskatoon I’ll probably take the train to Winnipeg. These huge flat prairies are just too monotonous. I’ll keep you posted

*I actually like that song. I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore. 😁

[passingdaysthings]

06.06.2023 - Period Mood

Today is Tuesday. 

My last post was cut short because Taylor called, and I just talked to him before getting back to work. 

I am officially done with my 3rd quarter of grad school, and I am so happy. I finished my last homework assignment like an hour ago, and I think I am going to chill for the rest of the day. I was gonna go to the gym, but my period finally started after being 33 days and it’s hitting me pretty hard. I can’t even remember the last time my period gave me this much pain and bloating. I am gonna try to really rest and not think about school for this short break I have because I think I need to take care of myself better while I am in school. Of course, I do the gym and do my work properly, but I don’t really think I take care of my mental health well. I kind of just push things until I hit a breaking point and have a panic attack about it. I am taking one course again this summer because I am pretty busy this summer, and I think I should enjoy it rather than constantly studying and doing work. I hope this will be a good summer. I am really excited because I’ll be doing to California for my birthday in like 3 weeks, and I’ll be going to see Fall Out Boy. I am also planning to work on my volleyball fundamentals while I am on break because I feel like I have been getting lazy. I am not sure if it was because I was in school or if I am actually being lazy. We will just have to see how I do while I am playing on break. I did really poorly yesterday on offense, and that really bothered me. I am not an offensively strong player, but I was giving up points there which is the problem. If I am not scoring then I shouldn’t be giving up points. 

Moving on to the real reason why I am writing today, and I believe it’s mostly my period really pushing the thoughts forward. As I have said before, Taylor and I’s relationship has become that of regular friends, and it’s like we never even went through the stages we did to get here. It’s as if we have always been like this which is fine with me, but every now and then, I get SMACKED with all the things we use to do and talk about. Let me kind of break it down: 

April 2022 - June 2022: Getting to know each other, talked everyday, and I dumped Peter

June 2022 - mid - Aug 2022: Friendly, but definitely had conversations that were not considered “just friends” things, really pushed the friend boundary 

Mid-Aug 2022- End of Oct 2022: Definitely not a relationship between two people who were just friends, sexual stuff, and more couple stuff, time of my confessions and rejection 

Nov 2022 - Feb 2023: Confusing time after I got rejected, but we still were intimate(?). A very confusing time for me because I am def not able to do that whole no string attached thing. 

Mid-Feb 2023 - present: Taylor ending our sexual relationship and reverting to normal friends or as normal as we can be I guess 

For starters, I am kind of sad because I feel like the time we spent together during the April to July period was really wholesome and fun, and we were just there for each other as people. I really felt like we both cared about each other not that we don’t now, but for me, I feel like part of it was invalidated by the progression from that point. The time period where we had a sexual relationship. I don’t feel like I did anything wrong of course, but I also have to deal with the new emotions it brings. Nothing I said during our early stages of friendship was a lie, but I can’t help doubt Taylor intentions from the beginning. I don’t think his intentions were bad though because we are still friends now. Its just a thought here and there. I just don’t really know how to deal with it sometimes because he is still my friend, and we still talk everyday. I understand that people do what I did with other people and move on, but this dude is literally a huge part of my life. Like what the actual fuck? On top of that, it is my first time even having this kind of relationship with someone, and I really got bamboozled. I really thought this man liked me because I would not have done any of that if I knew he didn’t like me. I guess there were signs that he didn’t like me, but there were way more signs that he liked me. Literally, everyone around me thought he liked me, and they all supported me saying something. This is why I have trauma now. CALL ME BABE ALL YOU WANT AND ACT JEALOUS, BUT YOU DON’T LIKE ME UNTIL YOU SAY IT. I literally cannot LOL. I do not understand it. There are times where I wonder if I was the one being delusional during that time, but I have been assured that it wasn’t me. Like... this man hates talking to people and being social, but he spent time talking to me everyday morning to night. We still talk everyday now even though it’s much less time wise. He called me babe, got jealous, and sends me money for boba. He told me he wanted to sleep with me, and that if something ever happened to me, then he wouldn’t last very long. SIR? UM, SIR? I’m sorry, but imagine having a boyfriend with that kind of past with his girl best friend because that’s what I am to Taylor (unless he lied about all that). I don’t think he lied though because he is always very concerned about me when something happens. I am his best friend.. that he wanted to fuck, and that was reciprocated. I was interested in sleeping with him too. He says he is never going to get a girlfriend so it won’t be a problem, but for me, I don’t know, dude. I didn’t really plan on being single forever, but I mean, I guess, it could happen. Who knows LOL. I get so many emotions every time I think about that period of our friendship because it just confuses the fuck out of me, AND I didn’t get any closure. The only thing I pursued after my rejection was why he decided that he wanted to sleep with me and all that stuff, and all he said was “idk”. I was speechless. I was like... this man changed our whole relationship dynamic on impulse though which I am not surprised after getting to know him more. He does things impulsively with no explanation pretty often, and I happen to be on the receiving end of those impulses this time. I have accepted that, but I feel like not all of it was impulse. I fully believe there was a part of him that liked me, but he simply didn’t want to commit to anything. I am fine with though. I didn’t really pursue much after my rejection because I felt like it was for the best. I don’t think we would be able to handle a romantic relationship with each other because he doesn’t like to communicate, and I place a lot of importance on communication. He is also rude af when he talks some times, and I don’t mess with that. I definitely get annoyed with what he says a lot of time, and I hold it in because we’re simply just friends. I would not be okie with it if we were more, and this includes things he says to me personally too. I feel kind of bad assuming a relationship between the two of us would fail, but it’s true LOL. I think it would also be to the point that we wouldn’t even be able to be friends after. I already think the friendship we are maintaining right now is destined to fail some time in the future. Random thought I am having right now, Taylor literally says that he ghost friends or drops them randomly for no reason at all, but he told me that I am stuck with him forever. He told me that, and I still feel like our friendship might end one day. That’s so pessimistic of me, but it’s because I know him pretty well. He may have said things that show that I am special/important to him, but we are talking about a dude that broke up with the “love of his life” to go fuck other girls soooooo like... his words.... not reliable. I hope that he gets help one day and figures all this out. I will be here to support him though because regardless of all the things we’ve been through, I love him and consider him my best friend. He knows more about me than anyone else who has walked this earth. 

-P

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

original idea, m | kth

pairing(s): taehyung x reader

summary: Your boyfriend, Kim Taehyung, is observant. He noticed you started your period today and picked up your favorite can of sweet Thai tea on his way back from visiting his best friend Park Jimin. How nice of him until he asks you mid-gulp if he can go in raw.

warnings: rated M (18+) for language; unprotected period sex, do not do this unless you absolutely trust the other person; established relationship; low-key crack; lots of fluff; shower smut (fem reader is on her period, handjob, unprotected, wall sex, creampie, doggy); non-idol!BTS, ft Jimin putting ideas in Taehyung's head, who would have guessed

--

“You started your period today.”

You cracked open the can of Thai tea you boyfriend handed you. “Yeah, how’d you know?”

“I saw the pad wrapper in the trash.”

“Oh.”

You took a large sip, thinking the conversation was over.

“Does that mean I can go in raw?”

You nearly spit out the entire contents of your mouth. Instead, you choked and swallowed hard, coughing and sputtering. “What?”

Kim Taehyung expression didn’t change. “Does that mean I can go in–?”

You held up your hand, coughing wildly, hacking the words out. “I heard what you said, I just can’t believe you said it, who the fuck?”

Taehyung seemed to understand and nodded, dark brown hair falling over his forehead.

“Oh, right. I was talking to Jimin and he mentioned–”

Oh, of course, how could you not guess, Taehyung’s best friend Park Jimin was putting ideas in Taehyungie’s little noggin and now murdering you as you struggled to breathe.

“–that it could be possible, because you’re right, it’s too early to have kids and having a monetary plan to prepare is a better idea–”

You were glad that Taehyung was interested in finances when it came to having children but he sure picked a weird ass time to agree with your sensibilities.

“–but I love having sex with you, so I was telling Jimin I haven’t been in raw yet and I completely understand that you prefer condoms over hormones since that might affect your mental state and I don’t like the idea of only you doing something like that to yourself anyway, it doesn’t seem fair–”

You were still processing the fact that Taehyung had told Jimin he hadn’t been in raw. What the fuck?! At least he loved having sex with you. You were staring at Taehyung slack-jawed, but he was scrunching up his face, trying to remember the rest of the conversation.

“–and Jimin mentioned, ‘hey, at least you can do it when she’s on her period, it’ll add more lubrication and it might even be better for her,’ so I was wondering if we could try it, if you’re interested.”

Silence.

You still hadn’t picked your jaw off the floor.

Taehyung opened his eyes and smiled at you. “Hm? What do you think?”

Okay, you very much enjoyed Taehyung’s eager, boxy smile, so that unfroze you, but you still blurted out your next question in sheer shock.

“Why did you tell Jimin you’ve never been in raw?!”

He blinked, tilting his head. “It just came up.”

You looked around, expecting Jimin to pop out and tell you you’ve been pranked. He did not.

“…. H-How…? Actually, don’t tell me, I’m going choose ignorance…” you mumbled, now taking another long sip of your Thai tea, but more like a swig and wishing it was forty-percent alcohol.

“But what do you think though?” Taehyung persisted, leaning down with his tilted head to try and catch your eye. “Do you wanna try? It might be nice!”

You looked down.

Someone was thinking about it for sure.

You looked back up.

Taehyung smiled at you innocently with a massive tent in his pants.

You stared into those big brown eyes and sighed.

“Ah… probably not. It’s going to be so messy and dirty and cleaning up is going to be such a bitch… I’m sorry, Tae, but I don’t think…”

-

“So…”

You stood under the showerhead, your hair wet and sticking to your forehead.

“So.”

Hey, in your defense, you were also curious.

Taehyung chewed on his lip, watching you inquiringly. “Hey, we don’t have to. I was being kinda pushy… but…”

You scratched your head, moving your wet hair out of your eyes. “Ah, it’s okay, I understand, I just… it feels wrong, you know? Aren’t you grossed out?”

He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Mmm, at first? But the more I think about it, the more I think, well, isn’t it natural? And you have to deal with it every month for many, many years, right? Plus, when we have children, they’re going to come out of you slightly, erm…” He made a little bit of a face but shook his head, spraying water everywhere from his dark wet hair. “Anyway, it’s not too bad. We’re in the shower. You like it when we do stuff in the shower,” Taehyung added brightly.

You contained your laughter, giving him a hopeless smile. “Why are you acting so weird?”

Now Taehyung turned red, his deep tan skin flushing, eyes shifting from side to side. “Um…”

You tilted your head.

He shot you a quick glance and mumbled under his breath.

“Idon’tknowhowlongI’mgonnalastIalreadydon’tlastthatlong.”

“What?”

He chewed on his lip.

“Nothing.”

“Oh.”

You reached up and pushed your hair back, swimsuit-supermodel style, and now Taehyung was doing more than glancing, he was observing very closely and very intently under wet strands of dark brown hair, curling around his strong features and moody brown eyes, his lips parting slightly, probably unnoticed on his part.

Looking like a fish wasn’t exactly an image Taehyung himself considered sexy.

Secretly, you enjoyed it because it meant he wasn’t conscious of what he looked like and was too distracted by your actions and your body to do so.

You smiled. “Why were you talking to Jimin about something like that anyway?”

Taehyung stiffened as you neared, biting his lip. “Ah, well…” He frowned slightly. “You’re so good at certain… things… It’s kind of frustrating for me… sometimes. I want to be better.”

Now you hesitated. “What are you talking about? Haven’t I taught you a lot of things? And you learn quickly and are amazing once you get the hang of it.”

His lips twisted into a small pout.

“For once, I’d like to teach you something.” He let out a small puff. “Or at least suggest something you’ve never heard of before.”

You blinked at him.

“Er… going in raw isn’t exactly a new concept… rather… that’s the original idea of dick and pussy in the first place…”

Taehyung scrunched up his face. “I know that, argh… I just mean… ah…” He trailed off, baritone voice now unsure and unsteady.

You saw he was rapidly losing confidence and you placed a hand on his chin, lightly lifting it with your knuckle. “Hey, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I want to try it. I just thought you wouldn’t like it, because… I mean… Period blood isn’t sexy per se… And I’m certainly not sexy during that time of the month…” You frowned uneasily, lowering your hand, but now Taehyung raised your chin, smiling at you.

“Don’t be silly. You’re always sexy.”

He leaned in, smile morphing into a smirk.

“Also, your boobs get bigger during that time of month, so I always appreciate that.”

Your eyes widened. “You noticed?”

Taehyung raised an eyebrow. “Of course, I noticed. I keep close tabs on your boobs.”

“Close tabs? Do you record the size in a notebook or something?”

He chuckled, tapping his temple with his free hand, the other sliding down your chin, tracing the contours of your neck and collarbones. “Mental notes. I remember all the important stuff. Your boobs are on the top of the list.”

Your cut in with your inquiring quips. “My ass? My mouth? My hands? My pussy?”

Taehyung frowned slightly and placed his large hand on your breast, kneading it as if he needed comfort. “Okay, near the top, but don’t make me order them, it’s too difficult.”

You grinned. “That makes me feel better.”

He breathed out in relief. “Whew, that’s good–mphf!”

You seized the moment and pushed him into the wall, pressing your wet body into his, your tongue snaking out and lightly flicking against his lips, taking advantage of his surprise and the beauty of his widened eyes to kiss him firmly, falling into his warmth. It took him a second to compose himself, tipping his head down to take charge of the kiss, squeezing your breast and running his thumb over your hard nipple, but you placed your palms flat on the shower wall and resisted him, dancing your tongue between his lips and not letting him catch it, smirking at the growl he made in frustration.

“We were having a moment,” he muttered.

“Mmm, I know, but I want my moment with him.”

Your fingers ghosted his thigh and he sucked in a breath as your hand closed around his cock, not quite hard yet but getting there, especially after your hand came into contact with it. You feathered kisses on his lips as you stroked his length, nice and slow, his other hand coming up to cup both breasts, panting softly, hot breath on your lips.

“You’re too quick…”

“Can’t waste too much water,” you chuckled. “And…”

You kissed up his jaw, adjusting your body to get a better angle, licking his skin lightly and feeling the vibration and depth of his moan under your tongue and lips, whispering gently into his ear.

“It’s kind of hard to focus when you’re so handsome, Tae.”

He let you have the moment, tipping his head down so your teeth could catch his ear, nipping at it lightly, contrasting with the pace of your hand, firm and intense, shivering at the thickness and the weight in your palm, savoring the taste of his skin, moaning into his ear, long and sensual, everything he liked and more, his head turning, black-brown eyes looking down at you under lashes covered in small droplets, adding to his already ethereal appearance.

“Let me…”

He leaned in, not finishing his sentence, kissing you long and deep and sweet, changing your positions, but you didn’t let go, toying with his tongue. He made a small tch sound of annoyance, shifting his hips, picking up one of your legs.

“Ah, w-wait…”

“Why?” he chuckled. “You don’t wanna wait. I can tell.”

You tried to hide the smirk, but it came out.

Smugness just refused to be hidden.

Taehyung grinned against your lips. “Thought so.”

Your hand was already guiding him. “This isn’t going to be the optimal position for you to cum.”

“Good.”

You raised an eyebrow and he thrust up into your pussy.

You sucked in a breath, relaxing yet still stretched out. It did hurt slightly. Taehyung was sizable after all, in length and girth, but you had practice and muscle memory, and maybe (definitely) a pain kink.

What? It was fun getting stuffed with dick.

Especially when it was Taehyung’s dick.

You? You were fine.

Taehyung?

“Oh, fuck…!”

Er, maybe not?

He had such a cocky expression beforehand but the second he entered you, it instantly changed, sudden tension in his strong features, gasping as he slid in, surprisingly much easier than you expected, perhaps due to the consistency of the slippery blood, almost stopping halfway, but you didn’t let him, firmly grabbing his hips and yanking him towards you, his eyes rolling back, whining your name loudly, the volume and depth reverberating in the bathroom.

“You’re so t-tight… fuck… soft… oh, shit…”

You let him run through every expletive he knew, holding him firmly by his juicy ass, enjoying it too much, but thankfully Taehyung didn’t notice, eyes closed, head thrown back, dark wet hair curling around his cheekbones. He reached up and pushed it away from his face, exhaling hard, slowly opening his eyes, hazy and unfocused.

“Fuck… it feels so fucking good, you have no idea…” he shuddered, twitching inside you and moaning once more, body shaking so he had to plant his hands on the walls of the shower, volume increasing as you pulsed your muscles around his length. There was slight pain from cramps, but not from his cock, and you could ignore the dull ache and focus on the pleasure, slowly moving your hips and biting your lip, feeling the added slickness of your juices mixing with the blood.

You often cursed your period’s arrival, but maybe it was time to reconsider.

Always good to find the silver lining in things.

“Taehyung…”

You rolled your hips and he gasped, thrusting back lightly.

“Don’t wanna hurt you,” he panted, swallowing hard. “Shit, it feels so fucking good, I can’t t-think…”

“I’ll tell you if it hurts,” you managed to say, pressing your hands into his ass and angling yourself to take him deeper, shoulder blades and head touching the shower wall, sighing in satisfaction.

“Alright, I’m gonna…”

He clenched his jaw, faster, harder, one hand coming down to grab a handful of your ass, you wrapping a leg around his and meeting him in the middle, increasing the depth of each thrust, both of you gasping at the tightness and the wetness, the messy slap and squelch echoing in the bathroom, water raining down on his broad back and spraying onto your chest, clenching around him so he could feel more, his eyelids fluttering, biting his lower lip, tendons on his neck popping out, and you realized he was trying not to cum, trying to hold back, so you gave his stiff length a particularly firm squeeze and Taehyung groaned, barely able to shoot you an incredulous look.

You grinned.

“I’m gonna cum, fuck!”

You felt it, his cock twitching and spilling into you, eyes widening at the sensation, not quite as strong as porn seemed to make it, but noticeable for sure, pushing out your juices in a rough sputter, loud and obscene, flinching as Taehyung’s hand quickly moved down, rubbing your clit, making you squirm and twist of his cock, almost falling off but he kept his other hand on your ass, digging his nails into the softness, holding you in place.

“Come on, come on, come on–”

It didn’t take much, you were already turned on by the fucking and then the sensation of being filled up, and you cried out, trying not to move your hips, the high peaking.

“Tae, fuck!”

Hot shivers and burning electricity tearing through your veins, jerking your hips forward and tightening around his cock, harsh throbs racking your body you came, pussy squeezing so hard that you felt his cock stiffen again, swelling and growing inside you as your orgasm roughly roused him back to life, both of you moaning at the sensation, feeling his cum and yours drip down your thigh, hearing it plop thickly onto the bathtub below and wash away, stunning both you and him at the lewd noise.

“Whoa…”

You panted hard, letting out a tense puff as he slid out of you.

“That felt… so fucking good…”

You thought for a moment, catching your breath. The pain your felt was only from cramps, although it seemed to be less now. Was that the ibuprofen? Or the euphoria of orgasm? You paused on consider the differences, chewing on your lip thoughtfully.

“I think for me it’s about the same? You feel very similar with and without a condom.”

Taehyung shook his head. “Not for me, you feel way better, I don’t know how I can go back, the condom is seriously a nerf…” he mumbled.

You shifted your eyes. “You didn’t last… the longest.”

His ears turned red.

“W… Well…”

“My pussy is pretty overpowered, maybe she needs the nerf.”

He sighed, frowning. “True… I still stand by the fact that it physically feels better, but more time to enjoy does even it out…”

You tapped your fist in your other palm. “Oh! Let’s do it from behind.”

He blinked. “Eh?”

But you were already turning around, Taehyung stumbling back, pushing the showerhead out of the way and pointing it towards the wall so he didn’t drown, audibly gasping as you bent over and presented your ass, hands spreading open your pussy with one fluid motion. You turned your head back and grinned.

“Yes?”

“Oh, fuck, yes.”

You felt him position the head against your opening and he pushed in, slow, steady, both you of moaning at the feeling, centimeter by centimeter, this position tighter, more heavenly, giving you added control over your muscles so you could pulsate around him. He inhaled sharply, gripping your hips and forcefully pushing in the rest of the way, bottoming out, balls smacking your clit.

“Stop t-that, fuck…”

You let go of your ass and placed one hand on the edge of the bathtub and the other on the wall.

Then you rocked your hips back.

“Ah, yes, Tae…”

“Are you trying to kill me? Oh, shit!”

You continued and Taehyung had no choice, fiercely grabbing your hips to try and get you to stop, but you were undeterred, so he had to ram his cock into you, exactly what you wanted, the sudden sensation of the head hitting you deeply rendering your speechless, and he had no time to gloat, too driven by lust and pleasure to taunt you even if he wanted to.

“A-ah, it’s good like this too, oh, fuuuck, yes, you always feel so fucking tight…”

He had a good rhythm and pace like this, deep, controlled, fast, making sure to give you the powerful thrusts you liked, loud, audible smacks of hips to ass, rough and wet, and you knew you had his cum inside you now along with yours and the added slickness of your period, and, sure, maybe someone found it gross, but in this second (and lucky all subsequent seconds involving this very behavior that would certainly continue at least once a month) you nor Taehyung gave a single fucking shit, pleasure flaring up your core, the dull ache of cramps forgotten, completely focused on the feeling of his cock entering you over and over, your hand on the wall curling into a fist, hitched breaths and flinching shivers taking over, clenching around him, oh fuck, his rock-hard, thick length plunging into your tight, wet hole, too much, so good, your thighs tensing from the overwhelming proximity of release.

“Taehyung, oh, fuck, you’re so good at f-fucking me…”

You could tell he wasn’t talking on purpose, probably clenching his jaw to last as long as possible, but he wasn’t going to last much longer because you smacked your palm into the tile wall, gasping his name loudly, shot into free-fall.

“Gonna cum, fuck!”

That was all the warning he got as your walls spasmed, brutally massaging his cock and he hissed your name, turning into a half-moan, half-whine as he yanked your hips down and slammed into your pussy, fully sheathing himself all the way up to his balls, his cock jolting and spilling his orgasm into you, his hands on your ass shaking so bad they seemed to be vibrating, gripping tighter and tighter, rolling his hips inside you and moaning, prolonging the euphoric feeling.

“S-So good… ah, yeeeeeees…”

It took him a while to still, breathing loud and hard, holding you in the bent over position, the additional time getting slightly awkward, but you waited it out, his grip finally loosening, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you up, your pussy too wet and his cock giving up, sliding out, a mess of juices splattering out of you.

Good thing you were in the shower. Easy to clean up.

“It’s… too good…” Taehyung huffed, broad shoulder leaning against the wall to hold himself up, still clinging onto you. “Your pussy does need a nerf, but, fuck, I’m still gonna think about it all the time…”

“Good thing for you that my period lasts at least five days.”

Taehyung looked up to the sky and whispered his gratitude.

“I know you kind of hate it, but I’m still going to thank them.”

“Maybe I have a reason to hate it a little less now. It’s still inconvenient.”

“Yeah, but going in raw…”

Mmm, yeah, that still sounded weird. Oh well.

“You’re not going to tell Jimin, right?”

-

“You let him go in raw?!”

“Taehyung!”

--

masterpost

[mindofharry]

In which bucky learns how to be a boyfriend.

a whole lot of fluff, clueless bucky and some cuddling, bucky is a sucker for cuddling! this is the last part of the losing you series 🥺 i’ve loved writing this - thank you for the continuous amount of love and support on it.

just a short little piece to finish it off!

losing you masterlist! happy reading!

Waking up early is something bucky does everyday. He doesn’t set an alarm or leave the curtains open before he goes to bed, he just wakes up at 6 in the morning naturally. You absolutely loathe it. Not only does the warmth and your beefy boyfriend leave the bed, bucky barnes does not know how to be quiet. You have to give it to him, he’s been working on a lot of things. His emotions, communication etc. But understanding that you don’t want to wake up at 6am isn’t one of the things he just can’t get over. Every night before bed for the last two weeks he’s asked you to wake up early with him for a coffee and a run, every night you say no. You need your beauty sleep, and you’re working from home at the moment so you’re taking every chance of lie in you can.

“Baby, please” Bucky pleaded, kissing behind your ear as you lay in bed. You were reading a report you wrote up today, and bucky just got back from a mission. You would’ve thought he’d be exhausted after fighting all of those bad guys, but if anything - bucky has more energy. You were kind of hoping he would drop the 6 am thing and just sleep in with you. But no, he’s just as adamant as two weeks ago. Maybe if you weren’t absolutely exhausted from the last couple of months at work you would do this coffee and run with him, you love spending time with bucky.

After the fight, bucky has been better. He hasn’t changed, he’s still the same stubborn and blunt man you met a year ago. But he’s learning every day, going to his therapy sessions, hanging out with friends. Bucky is doing a lot better. He tells you when you’ve hurt his feelings and encourages you to do the same, you communicate and talk through your problems no matter how loud it gets.

Bucky is dropping you to the bar, massaging you whenever you want, getting you cakes and buying you dinner.

And even the simple things where he kisses your temple, or tucks you into his side. Bucky barnes is everything you could ever want and more.

“Why do you want to go out at 6 am?” You giggled turning over to face him, bucky was now on his side his head leaning on his hand, so he was looking down at you. You wanted to know why he was adamant on getting you out at an ungodly hour.

“Just want to spend time with my girl, is that too much to ask for?” He said and you smiled softly, pecking his lips. Your hand goes to his shoulder as you shake your head.

“No it’s not” You said and then nodded to yourself. “Ok, we’ll go for a coffee and a run tomorrow morning” You said, giving in to his pleads. Buckys eyes widened and he immediately buried his head into your neck, his arm going across you waist. You laughed loudly as he kissed down your neck.

“Need to get some sleep then, you’re not going to like me at 6 am”

Bucky tutted at you placing the report that was resting on your stomach on your bedside table. “I like you all the time, no matter how early it is” He said and you smiled placing your lips on his.

“Even when i’m grumpy?” You asked in between kisses.

“Even when you’re grumpy”

With that, you both got out of the bed to do your night time routine. You had been staying over at buckys place for the last couple of days and before that bucky was staying at yours. You like to be around each other, you’re not dependent on each other but you do like to be together. Bucky is so comforted by your energy, always ready to listen, help and offer the best advice you possibly can.

You get out your tooth brush as place it under the tap, and then put the toothpaste on it. Bucky is beside you doing the same to his, you hit your hip of his sending him a little smile to comfort him. You know how he gets before bed. Before this, sex with you was distracting him from all the nightmares and ugly things of the night. Now that you’re together and not doing anything to distract himself from his own harming thoughts, he gets nervous.

Nervous that he might hurt you or injure himself. You know he would never intentionally hurt you, no matter how mean bucky can get he’d never lay a hand on. You’re very sure of that.

You spit the toothpaste out, running your tooth brush under the water.

“You doing ok?” You asked and bucky nodded, cleaning his own tooth brush. You raised an eyebrow leaning against the sink. “I’m just, a little anxious. Nothing new, baby” He said putting his tooth brush away. You pouted and brought him into a hug.

“How about some face masks?” You asked with a grin, before bucky could even blink you had two face masks in your hand and was pulling him over the toilet. You practically pushed you boyfriend onto the toilet seat, he wasn’t wearing a shirt (requested by you) so it made it easier to do the face mask.

You put yours on quickly, and then rushed back to a bored looking bucky.

“You’ll love it” You reassured opening up the packet. Bucky sighed “The things i do for you” He mumbled closing his eyes and placing his hands on either side of you waist.

You place the face mask on your boyfriends face, carefully spreading it over his cheeks and forehead. He had perfect skin, you would be forever jealous of it.

“Feels nice, doesn’t it?”

He nodded leaning into your hand a little bit, you could see he was a little sleepy. “Can we watch an episode of new girl before bed?” You asked and of course bucky nodded. He secretly really liked the show, but he would never tell you that. You already knew, that’s why you asked.

“We’ll wash these off after this episode and then head to bed. Sound good, buck?” You asked and bucky nodded placing a hand on your shoulder guiding you back into the bedroom and grabbing the remote off your dresser. He was really quiet, which was something you’d have to get used to. It was just before bed when he got super quiet and you had to do all the talking. You didn’t mind one bit, bucky is a very good listener. He could listen to you talk for hours on end.

During the episode, bucky lay his head in your lap. You massaged his scalp, sometimes bucky reminds you of a little golden retriever.

“This part is funny” You said and bucky nodded agreeing rubbing at his eyes. You could tell he was tired.

“Why don’t we go wash these off and finish the episode after we get back from our run?”

Bucky sighed and stretched standing up, and then holding out his hands to help you up. You walked in front of him, bucky slapped your ass. He just couldn’t help it, your ass looks amazing in those shorts. You giggled and hit his shoulder.

You washed both of your faces and squished buckys cheeks together, he had a nice glow about him recently.

Bucky would definitely say it’s because of you.

You would say it’s because bucky is actually taking his mental health seriously.

“I love you” Bucky said and you stopped drying his face. You’ve said it before, but bucky had never really understood it until now. You doing all of this for him made him feel so happy, so warm and loved inside. The fact that you would stop watching your favourite show for him, give up your time and good face masks for him and constantly reassure and care for him.

Bucky barnes loves you so fucking much and he just can’t comprehend it, but he’s working on it.

“I love that you’re willing to wake up early for me, and to sit up and cuddle me when you’re obviously tired. I love that you’re always around, ready with advice, i love that you give the best hugs and know the right thing to say all the time” He said you blushed placing a hand on his cheek.

“I love you, Y/N. And i hate that i treated you so badly. I love you, and i’ll never love anyone the way i love you” He said and you bit your lip to try and stop the tears.

“I love you more, james”

And with that you both settled down and went to bed, you turned the tv off and looked over at bucky. “Shirt off or on?” You teased and bucky smirked.

“Is that even a question? Definitely off”

[myownprivatcidaho]

hi all, @theecholyte has been a dear friend of mine for a few years and now they need help to reach their goal of $800. im gonna put the info from their gofundme here, please boost this and donate if you can.

Hello, my name is Echo, I'm a non-binary, disabled (temporarily), Nerodivergent 21 year old who is currently living in a very stressful and toxic environment. I live with and financially depend on my mother and her husband (technically my step-father) who have both verbally, mentally and emotionally abused me ontop of my already existing trauma and mental issues from years of this kind of treatment from others, including them. They do not accept that I am non-binary and consistantly arise arguments/fights because of it, resulting in them giving me anxiety attacks and triggering my PTSD simply because they don't want to call me the name I prefer to be called by, ontop of driving away my other family and friends they have invited into their home due to their behavior. They have blamed my step sister (who is 2 months older than me) as well as myself on the trauma they have caused us to the point where they drove her to live across the country and will never see my step sister's daughter (my niece) ever again, in order to keep the baby from being exposed to the violence they have shown us. We were both physically abused by them as well, but once we started becoming young adults roughly around the ages 15-17, they stopped hitting us as much and eventually stopped completely after that (for reasons unknown) and my step sister got the worst of it. My youngest brother is also transgender, and they treat him the same, but he has outside help that he's getting from friends he knows, so im not too worried about him, since he's tough and will be able to get out soon enough.

Currently, I feel like I am fighting for my life. My stress levels have gotten to the point where I've gained many migranes (stress-induced as well as random migranes run in my family, but they're happening more often than normal as of late) and a fever because of it, which would go away after one night of rest so i knew i wasnt sick with anything really concerning, that i know of, since im fine now.

I feel as though I am at my breaking point, and my depression has gotten significantly worse as well, despite the medication i take for it as well as the coping mechanisms I use to ease it. I try to tell my mother the stress and pain im in, but she threatens to take me to a mental hospital every time i express that she makes me feel like i should... take my own life, basically, because of how she treats me, ontop of feeling like she wishes i were gone, among other reasons. She prefers to get onto me rather than try to comfort me and try to hear why I feel the way I do with concern. I feel as though she resents me for some reason unknown, resents all of her children... she seems like she has no sympathy for our mental health regardless of how she might actually feel, and will never understand that people deal with things in their own unique ways, and that no one else in the world operates completely like she does.

On multipule occasions, my mother has expressed that if I feel like I want to end my own life, that she wont try to stop me if it means I'll be happier that way, and almost encourages it. She's also stated to my brother when he was 16 that she knows she will bury me one day, and is content with that fact considering how I've been dealing with su*cidal idiations since I was very young.

Ontop of those interactions, when my step-sister was little and was crying to my mother about how she makes her want to end her own life, my mother replied by saying "Is that all? If you don't try to end your own life at least once as a teenager, that makes you the weird kid. It's a phase, I've tried it and so has all of my kids."

Her husband on the other hand, is a dog abuser and has thrown/kicked puppies and our older dogs, including one pit bull we had named Pepa, who was thrown over the fence and landed hard on her side when she somehow got out of the backyard (she was a huge sweetheart and would never hurt a soul). He has no sympathy what so ever for animals, and when I confronted him about throwing Pepa when she was vulnerable and weak after just having a littler of 14 puppies, he stated that he could have done so much worse. He also has a habit of yelling/snapping at his kids when theyre in pain or take his attention away from his video games simply because it annoys him and he "doesn't want to hear it". Once, before my first knee surgery several years ago, I fainted out of the diningroom chair (I deal with low blood sugar issues sometimes) and bruised my ACL, crying and screaming for help while everyone was asleep. He has woken up to see what happened, and while i was on the floor clutching my leg, crying for help, he stated that "I need to learn how to do it myself" and went to go back to sleep. I had sat there for another several minutes screaming and crying before my brother woke up and helped me onto the livingroom couch and made sure I was okay. (my mother was at work at the time so she didn't find out about this until I called her when I was finally on the couch. she also doesnt believe what her husband did even happened, because I didn't think to tell her about it until some time later.)

They both also believe that my step-sister deserved to be hit and punched in the face as a young teenager, simply because she has an anger/attidude problem. (She is now the smartest, most strong and mature woman I've ever known, She's a wonderful friend, and an even better mother who deserves the best.)

Just a few reasons I need to be away from them both, and examples to explain to you all how severe this situation is.

I'm at a loss, and just need to get away. I have a friend in Washington State (where i used to live) who is offering to help house me, and I just need the funds to get there considering i'm in Texas, as well as provide for my dog. My dog Remi (He's a 13 year old Schnauzer) currently has two ear infections and has had them for over a month, yet my mother refused to take him to the vet no matter how much I begged her since im unemployed and cant provide for him at the moment, I have ear drops that I used to temporarily help relieve his discomfort, but his contition continued to get more severe and the ear drops stopped working. (She's had no problem providing for him until recently, especially when he was the family's dog first before he became mine several years ago.) She constantly says how they have no money but its very hard to believe when they have recently had the funds to go to an expensive amusement park twice in two weeks and spend all of their money on merch. Luckily, a long time friend offered to pay for his treatments with what little money she does have, so my dog has finally been treated after having to stay overnight at the vet and is home now, taking madications and resting as he should. His vet bill was only $117, and my mother could have easily afforded it.

Now for as what I'll need the funds for, I had found out that the most efficient way I can get myself and my dog all the way up to Washinton State (Seattle/Everett area) from Boyd Texas, is to rent a car and drive up there myself. Now, I've had my licence since I was 16, and started driving at the age of 15 with a permit, and have taken many long road trips on my own before, so I'm rather confident in my abilities to travel that far. Also with my issues only being in my left leg, I've still been able to drive perfectly fine as long as I take breaks to stretch.

I have looked into many different airlines I possibly could for the cheapest tickets I could get for myself, as well as for my dog.. problem is, he's just a little too big to fit in the cabin of any plane I've reserched, I even called around and tried to recieve quotes and advice from airlines, but to no avail. I've also contacted animal transportation and shipping services, but they're all just very expensive and too complicated. I will also not put my baby boy in cargo on a plane, as it is dangerous.

For renting a car in my area, I will need to be able to find a place that will let me rent a car for 4 days so that I will have wiggle room to rest, make stops for gas/take my dog potty, and also get food while im on the way, considering my ideal route takes 1 day and 7 hours, minus the time ill need for stops and to rest, as well as traffic. The cheapest I could find while doing reserch is between $70-$90 a day for either a renter's choice car, or just any cheap car they have available, and for four days, that rounds up to be close to $300-$360 total for the trip. Ontop of that, gas for the one-way trip will cost roughly $300 or more depending on the car's milage.

Tomorrow (11/01) since it'll be a Monday, I'll be calling around for offers for my specific need to see if they'll have anything available for the end of this week or next week up to a month. I'm honestly willing to wait for this trip at least a month, but I'm not sure I could stand staying here longer than that at this point, since I'm wanting to leave as soon as possible for the sake of my mental health and well being, as well as the well being of my dog.

I appreciate any donations anyone makes no matter how much it is, it would mean everything to me to get out of here and finally be happier and feel safe for once. Thank you so very much if you read all of this, my situation may not be as severe as some peoples, but its certainly something worth addressing, I'd think.

I'll happily answer any questions anyone has for me regarding my situation, as I believe in the power of reassurance and cooperation, especially when it comes to strangers providing money for me which they absolutely do not have to give, out of the kindness of their hearts. I'll give as much information as I can to truely strengthen your trust in me that my situation is as genuine as I have stated.

Thank you so much for reading all of this, it means the world to me and more to have anyone take me seriously. Regardless if you donate or not, I hope you have a wonderful day, and to have a restful sleep every night this week.

[weasleylangs]

opposites attract - f.w.

Pairing: Fred Weasley x Hufflepuff Fem!Reader Summary: The quiet, Hufflepuff bookworm has captured the heart of the mischievous Gryffindor.  Warnings: none! Word Count: 2k

A/N: For the anon that asked for Fred with a Hufflepuff reader who he’s uncharacteristically sweet for! I’m sorry it took so long, I hope you (and everyone else who reads it) enjoys it!! 

P.S let me know if you’d like to be added to a tag list!

---------------------

Y/N sits in charms, completely zoned out. Charms was always her best subject and she was luckily one of those ‘never study, always pass’ students. The same could not be said about her boyfriend, however, who was sitting across the room trying to tickle his best friend with his quill and distract him.

Y/N and Fred were an unusual couple, and no one understood how the shy Hufflepuff girl managed to catch the mischievous Gryffindor’s attention. Fred’s idea of a good time was turning the corridor into a swamp or roughhousing during quidditch practise whilst Y/N’s was curled up in front of a fire, a nice book in her hand. But no one questioned it, because somehow they made it work.

Fred caught her eye and winked. They’ve been dating for six months now and he never gets tired from the shy look on her face when he looks at her. She shakes her head, hiding behind her hair and turning her attention back to Flitwick as he drones on about their assignment. 

When the bell rings, signalling next period, Fred’s across the room in no time. Y/N has her head down, grabbing her notebook and quill when Fred snatched them out of her hand whilst simultaneously grabbing her bag from the floor. “I’ll carry them for you, love,” he said, smiling.

This wasn’t unusual behaviour. Before the couple got together, everyone always thought Fred was a flirt and was hooking up with different people every weekend, and whilst they were right at the time, Fred is absolutely whipped for his badger girlfriend and hasn’t even looked at another girl since their first date. He’s always wanting to carry her books or he’s slinging an arm around her shoulder.

She has him wrapped around her finger and he couldn’t care less.

“You don’t have to do that, Freddie. You know my bag is heavy,” she says trying to grab the bag from him. Fred only takes three classes, considering the three O.W.L’s he received in their fifth year, meaning sometimes he only has one class a day. However, Y/N managed to receive ten, only failing History of Magic (‘Who fucking cares?’ was everyone’s response), resulting in her having multiple classes a day and therefore a very heavy bag. 

Fred, of course, shrugs it off, “I’m a beater, darling. Nice and strong. I can barely tell that you have five textbooks in here,” he says as he winks and causes Y/N’s face to heat up as she swats him on the chest. “I’m just saying you don’t have too, I can carry my own bag,” she pouts. While she knows Fred is more than happy to lug her bag around, she hates the idea that he’s only doing it out of obligation to be a ‘good boyfriend’. 

These insecurities aren’t new. She hears what people say about them and it doesn’t bother her for the most part. Just there’s only so many times she can handle people she’s not even friends with talking about how ‘Y/N isn’t right for Fred’. 

“You have potions now, yes?” Fred asks, pulling Y/N out of her worries as she follows Fred through the corridors. That’s another thing she never expected, Fred learnt her timetable when they started dating so he could always walk her to class. “I do, Freddie. You have a free right, are you spending it with George and Lee?” 

Fred nods, “I sure am, we’re meeting in the One-Eyed Witch passage to pop down to Honeydukes too, you need anything?” Y/N frowns at this. “Freddie, that passage is on the third floor on the other side of the school. You don’t have to walk me to potions,” she tries to grab her bag from him again and he shakes his head.

“Darling, what part of ‘I want to do this’ do you not understand?” While his tone is sharp, he’s not angry. Y/N doesn’t think she’s ever seen Fred this serious, a glint of cheekiness is always present in his eyes but right now, he looks about as serious as Snape when talking about proper cauldron care. 

“I just don’t want to keep you from the boys,” she whispers, tugging at the sleeves of her robes. They stop walking, and Fred drags her body into a hug. “The boys are fine waiting, now do you want anything from Honeydukes.” 

She falters for a second, just enjoying being in his presence. Despite the short amount of time they’ve been dating, Y/N knows what she feels for him is love and she can only hope the tall ginger boy feels the same way in return. His embrace can only be described as comfort, all Y/N’s worries rushing away as his familiar scent of firewood and cinnamon fills her senses.

“Some sugar quills, please,” she mumbles into his robes. “Anything for you,” he replies, pulling away and grabbing her hand. “C’mon, you’re going to be late for potions.” 

-

It’s after dinner by the time Y/N catches Fred again. She’s walking out of the Great Hall when she feels her robes get tugged on and she almost falls over. 

“Hi,” Fred says, “some sugar quills for my sugar quill.” 

Y/N cringes at the cheesy nickname as she thanks him, popping the sweets into her robe pockets, “What are your plans for tonight?” Fred shrugs, more quiet than usual as he plays with Y/N’s fingers. “Nothing, I was… I was wondering if I can come and hang in the Hufflepuff common room with you?” 

He’s shy and Y/N almost coos at it. Fred ‘no filter when he speaks’ Weasley is blushing as he asks his girlfriend to spend some time with her in her house common room, this is a once in a lifetime happening. 

“Of course, Freddie. Any reason why?” It’s not that she doesn’t want him spending time with her. But Fred’s never expressed an interest in spending the night in, rather opting to terrorise Filch or another teacher after dinner.

“You like spending your evenings reading in front of the fire. I feel like I’ve barely seen you today,” he whispers. At this, she decides not to torture the poor boy any further and grabs his hand. “C’mon,” 

They arrive at the common room in no time, no one batting an eye at the Gryffindor waltzing into the common room where he doesn’t belong. In fact, he gets quite a few “Hi Fred’s!” from people in their year. He’s always been popular and well known, so of course, the house of kindness is happy to have him.

“I’m going to run up to my dorm and change, are you sure you’re okay?” Fred nods, sitting himself down on the soft yellow chair in front of the fire. It’s Y/N’s favourite chair to read in and Fred knows it. “Sure am, hurry back before I freeze to death.”

Y/N speed changes, switching out her uniform for some sweatpants, one of Fred’s old jumpers and her favourite fuzzy sock. While she’s up there, she grabs a spare sweater she’s stolen from Fred for him to change into and her copy of ‘Frankenstein’ from her nightstand and rushes back downstairs and straight into Fred’s lap. “Hi,” she whispers, kissing him on the cheek. 

Fred hums a hello as he settles into the soft pillows of the couch. Y/N perches herself next to him, slinging her legs across his lap with her back against the arm rest. “What’s it about?” Fred asks, gesturing to the book she’s just opened. He knows Y/N’s love for muggle books and he loves hearing her talk about them, even though he never understands. “A scientist who creates a ‘monster’ through experiments… It’s one of my favourites.” 

She waves the book in Fred’s face and sure enough, the sticky notes and the plastic tabs are sticking out, referencing all her favourite parts. “It sounds cool, can I read it after you?” 

Y/N is shy about this. Books are very important to her and she feels her sticky notes and writing in the margins are her deepest thoughts, a peep into her soul. But the boy in front of her owns her heart, every single part of it, and she decided then and there, she wants to share every part of herself with him. “Sure, but you have to promise to not judge my notes.” 

He could never, the Hufflepuff girl in his lap turns his heart to mush no matter how much he tries to hide it and he can’t even imagine hurting her. He holds his pinky out, “I promise,” he says as she hooks her own with his and he presses a kiss to her forehead. 

They sit in silence for a while. Fred starts conversing with members of the Hufflepuff quidditch team (“We’re going to crush you next week, Kirke” she hears Fred say at one point and she has to nudge him with her knee to not start a brawl in the common room) while Y/N reads. At one point, her hand ends up in Fred’s hair, playing with the short strands at the nape of his neck. 

When she does this, Fred leans into her touch and his eyes flicker shut for only a second. She thinks she’s finally found a way to quiet him down and she makes a mental note to play with his hair next time she wants to get some reading done. 

The time starts to near 10pm as Y/N starts yawning, and as much as Fred would love to stay, he knows he’ll have enough trouble getting back to Gryffindor tower without George, Lee and their trusty Mauraders Map. “I should probably get going, darling,” Fred mutters after a while and when he looks at his girlfriend, she’s pouting.

“I wish you could stay,” she says and when Fred cocks his eyebrow she laughs, “not like that, you git!” 

She quickly stands, pulling Fred’s gangly body up from the couch and into her arms. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, we have double Defence,” Fred says laughing and she feels his chest rumble with laughter. “Too long,” she mumbles in reply. When Y/N gets tired, she gets clingy which was one of the earliest things Fred ever learnt about her. It’s always one of the cutest things about her.

He walks to the portrait hole, his small girlfriend clinging to his body and he presses a soft kiss to her hairline before detaching her. “Darling, I have to go.”

He feels terrible. He knows she isn’t being clingy to make him feel bad, she genuinely just wants to spend time with him. She yawns again, eyes scrunched closed as she stretches her arms that somehow end up wrapped back around his waist. 

“Okay, you can go,” she gives him one final squeeze before letting him go and looking up at him and before Fred can stop himself the words are slipping out.

“I love you.” 

This wakes her up immediately and her eyes are wide as she looks at him, “R-really?” 

Fred was going to pretend he never said it, worried it was both too early and that she didn’t feel the same way. But the way she’s looking at him, glints of happiness in her eyes and the biggest smile he’s ever seen on her face he knows now is the right time.

“I do, I love you.” 

She jumps on him again, pressing her lips to his. Her lips are soft against his, they always are and the kiss is filled with love and adoration. Neither of them is aware of how long they stand there, embraced in each other’s arms until they’re barely kissing anymore, their smiles too wide. 

“I love you too, Freddie. I love you more,” she says, full seriousness in her face. “Oh love, you won’t win this argument.” He presses a kiss to her lips again before slinking out of the portrait hole, leaving Y/N standing with her fingers pressed to her lips smiling. 

[letarasstuff]

"I don't wanna leave you, Daddy"

(A/N): This was requested by an Anon and it's based on this concept. I hope you are ready for the feels.

Summary: Hotch's daughter is an introvert. A quiet one. But why does she go even quieter after her mother's death?

Warnings: So much hurt. Angst. Fluff. It's bitter sweet.

Wordcount: 2.3k

✨Masterlist✨ _____________________________

(Y/N) never really was an outgoing person. Even since she was able to walk and talk, she still clung to her parents. She refused to play on the playground when other children were there. Socializing was just not her thing. Her parents were sure that she would never be the person to stand up and perform on stage spontaneously. And it is ok.

This doesn’t really change when Jack comes around. Sure, as he grows older and more capable of things (Y/N) plays with him. But it really seems like he is the only one around her age she is not afraid to befriend.

Aaron and Haley reassure themselves that their daughter will find friends in elementary school. After all this is an institution where many children go to and there also are adults trained for helping them coming along. She definitely will find at least one other kid to hang out with regularly and learn how to be a proper child. Because as of right now (Y/N) is more like a little adult, taking responsibilities, like watching over her little brother, she doesn’t need to do voluntarily. Maybe she will be more messy, rebellious, anything but a perfect child.

But this doesn’t exactly happen. (Y/N)’s teachers are really happy with her. Every parent-teacher conference is about how well and polite she is, always behaving good and following the rules. Sadly, they don’t have any good news regarding her social life. It’s not that she doesn’t get along with her classmates, it’s just that she isn’t able to strike up a conversation or is very good at keeping one long enough that a kid is interested in her.

Knowing that (Y/N) is mostly quiet in her school days, Aaron makes it a habit to bring her more often to the office. She surprisingly warms quickly up to his team and whenever she is around them the girl is an unstoppable tornado running loose around the bullpen.

This is kind of how she grows up until the age of middle school. (Y/N) learns some social skills and makes a few friends over the last few years. Unfortunately these friendships are not as deep as the parents wish, still it’s better than nothing.

Things get difficult when Aaron and Haley start to separate. It never is easy when parents fall out of love and it is not only difficult for Jack to see his father not as often as he used to, considering he still is a toddler needing both parents. Especially (Y/N), who is more of a daddy’s girl than a mommy’s girl, suffers from the situation at home.

Of course it’s hard on her to not see her father for a week or two at a time, but ever since her parents are going on parted ways she sees him at most one weekend every three weeks. This also changes her social life dramastically.

“(Y/N), don’t you wanna do something with your friends? You can invite them over for the weekend”, Haley suggests after watching her daughter not going out with somebody outside of school for several days. For the past two weeks the ten year old just comes home, does her homework and puts her nose in one of the books her Uncle Spencer recommended.

The girl only looks up at her mother to shake her head. “Why not, Sweetie? I haven’t seen William and John in so long. Are you still friends with them?” (Y/N) nods again. “So what is it? Are you guys fighting?” Haley sits down next to her on her bed.

“No, they just-just don’t know about this. I don’t want to tell them. And I want to stay home. It’s ok how it is right now”, she admits. Her mother’s heart breaks at that statement.

In this moment she realizes that anything a parent does has immediate consequences for the children. “I’m sorry, Sweetie. I didn’t know this is so hard for you. Maybe you can talk to them over the next few days about it, I think it’ll help you. Do you want to watch a film with me for now? Jack has a sleepover at a friend’s. We can do a girl’s night. We hadn’t had one in a long time.”

(Y/N)’s eyes light up at that. “With all the candy in the world?” Haley smiles at the newfound excitement. “Of course. Anything you want.”

From only seeing Aaron every now and then it suddenly turns to not knowing when she will see him next. After George Foyet ambushes him and makes his family into the next target, (Y/N), her brother and her mother have to go into witness protection.

The goodbye at the hospital is painful and filled with tears. “But Dad, I don’t want to leave you. I’ll miss you too much. I don’t like not seeing you. And what about you? You will be more lonely and-and I can’t leave you”, she confesses, sobbing into him.

Hotch has to hold his own tears back. He doesn’t want to come over as stoic, but as the strong father figure he always tries to be. “Honey, I know I’ll miss you so much. You have to be strong for your mother. This will not be easy and I know it. I promise to do my best to get all of you back as soon as possible, ok? Please be good for your mother and behave. We all need to work together for you to get back fast and safely.”

(Y/N) continues to cry into his hospital gown. Aaron can’t help it and dissolves in tears himself while trying to calm her down. “Shh, Honey. Everything will be fine. I’m so so sorry for all this. I never wanted something like this to happen. Shh, we will see each other real soon. The team and I will do our best. Just please, don’t cry. Please, it all will be better. I can’t let you go without seeing your beautiful laugh for one last time.”

“I don’t wanna leave you, Daddy. I-I wanna stay with you and Uncle Dave and Auntie JJ and Uncle Spencer and Uncle Der and Auntie Penny and Auntie Em. I’m scared you won’t be fine when we come back.”

It’s needless to say that nobody cracked even a smile that day.

Going into witness protection made Haley worry about Jack especially. He is just four years old and she isn’t sure how much he understands about what’s going on. Surprisingly the boy gets accustomed to the situation pretty fast. Of course he misses his father and his people from school, but he is also quick to meet new ones in the town they moved to.

(Y/N) has bigger problems. New school. New kids. New everything.

“Maybe you can see it as a fresh start. Here is nobody you know. You can be whoever you want to be. I can take you shopping and you can try out a new style”, her mother tries to make the situation sound advantageous to her. But the girl dryly answers: “When somebody doesn’t like me how I am now, how will they like an act?”

Sam Kassmeyer regularly reports back to Aaron about his family’s well being. “Jack is thriving. His teachers describe him as a bundle of joy. (Y/N) slowly gets acclimated to the change. Haley told me she started making friends with a girl in their neighborhood. I already ran a background check and the family is clean.”

Hotch lets out a sigh of relief. He turns towards the image on Penelope’s monitor. “Happy fifth birthday, Buddy.”

A few weeks after that it seems like the events overturn each other.

Foyet coming back. Kassmeyer getting tortured. Foyet finding Haley and the children. Them coming back to their house. The call. Working the case with Jack. The gunshot. The fighting noises. Hotch opening the box and hugging both of his children, relieved to see them alive.

The following weeks are difficult for the now smaller family. They mostly consist of watching videos of happy memories and talking about their feelings. Although it’s more like Jack talking about his feelings, (Y/N) went mostly silent ever since their mother’s death. This worries her father more than anything.

Two months have gone by. “Hey Honey, I’m going into the office today. Do you wanna come with me, stay at home or go to school? Anything is fine by me”, he asks her softly, kneeling beside her chair at the table. The girl is munching on her cereal halfheartedly.

“Can I come to the office?” (Y/N) asks in a hoarse voice. It’s actually the first time in four days that Aaron hears her voice. A small smile forms on his face. “Of course, that’s nice. Aunt Penny is asking me after her favorite Hotchner for days on end now. And Uncle Spencer got a stack of books he has for you to read.”

His daughter nods and quickly gets ready. They are soon on their way to Quantico after dropping Jack off at daycare. “How are your classmates? Do you like the new school?” They decided to send (Y/N) to a different school. She couldn’t bear the thought of only being the girl whose Mom died because of a serial killer.

“It’s fine. There are a few girls who are really nice. I think we can be friends. Mo-” She suddenly cuts herself off. Aaron glances over at her. “Continue, Sweetheart. Just tell me what’s on your mind”, he tries to encourage her.

The girl hesitates before following her father’s advice. “Mom would have liked them,” she mumbles. It’s quiet for a few seconds. Hotch is looking for a suitable answer. After all it’s the first time she talked about her mother since her death. “I’m sure of it, Honey. Maybe you can invite them over and I can get to know them. Think about it, no pressure of course.” (Y/N) nods to indicate that she heard him.

Not long later they enter the bullpen. “There she is! My little Hotchner! How you doing, Baby?” Derek asks her and envelopes her into a hug. But she only shrugs her shoulders. This goes on for the rest of the day. Whenever anyone talks to her, the only answer is given by her body language.

Hotch watches helplessly Spencer trying to engage in a conversation with her. His arms and hands are waving around. (Y/N) though just looks at him without being really there mentally. It seems like she is lost in her own thoughts, like it happened so often over the last few months.

“Have you tried talking to her about it?” Dave asks, sitting down on the chair opposite of him. Aaron looks at him funny. “Of course. But (Y/N) is just not ready to talk about Haley and everybody grieves differently. I can’t force her to speak, Dave.”

The older agent leans back in his seat. “I don’t think she needs to talk about her. This probably is too soon. She needs to talk about you. The changes.” After a short pause, in which the other one still doesn’t get the point, Rossi continues. “That little girl just lost her mother. She is scared to lose her father, the one with the high risk job. I think that is enough to talk about.”

This occupies the agent for the remainder of the day. Aaron was so invested in fulfilling both parent roles, that he forgot that he is just a father. The man his children go to when they have a nightmare. The one, who is more lenient than their mother. He can’t be both ones. He can’t be two people in one.

A kid trusts a mother and a father usually. And he can’t be mother and father at once. Hotch has to accept the fact. The fact that (Y/N) and Jack are going to grow up without a mother. But luckily not without mother figures.

Later that day, after tucking Jack in, Aaron knocks on his daughter’s door. A small “Come in!” echoes back to him. He enters her room and spots (Y/N) already in her bed reading a book Spencer gave her today.

“Hey, do you have time before it’s lights out?” He asks, still wanting to give her the upper hand on this. The girl nods and scoots over for her father to take a place. He lays next to her, pulling his daughter into a hug.

“I know I can’t promise it. Coming back to you every time. You know it as much as I do. But I promise you to try anything and everything in the books. You guys keep me going.” Tears roll over both of their faces.

“I-I just”, (Y/N) moves her head onto his chest to sob into it, “Just don’t wanna lose you, too. I-I don’t think I-I can’t be the girl, who doesn’t have a mother AND a father. C-can you stop that from happening?” Hotch has to wipe his eyes before answering.

“I-I try to keep that from happening, Honey. I promise.”

This is how they fall asleep, squished in a twin bed close to each other. In the morning they both are overheated and got a visitor during the night. Jack wakes them up, asking why they had a sleepover without him.

This morning is the first time Aaron sees (Y/N) smiles since day zero.

Taglist:

All works:

@dindjarinsspouse @big-galaxy-chaos

Criminal Minds:

@averyhotchner @mggsprettygirl @herecomesthewriterwitch @ash19871962

[sehnsuchts-trunken]

Hiii, I’m back again with a request. They’re still open right? If they’re not just ignore this lol

I would love some headcanons about Newt with a reader who has chronic pain. It’d make for an amazing dynamic bc I feel like Newt probably understands what it’s like. Make it platonic or romantic, I don’t mind either lol. And if you’re not comfortable writing this, I totally understand. You can totally ignore this then

Thanks already, and have a wonderful day :)

this is the request i actually meant to post so, uh, yeah :))

i messaged an old friend of mine today who i lost contact with about five months ago and who i missed so much that i almost cried every time maze runner was even mentioned around me, so in honour of her texting back and absolutely making my day i'll write some wonderful headcanons for her beloved newtie <33

thank you for the request laurie, hope you like how it turned out!

- Just as you've already mentioned, Newt understands well what pain feels like when it’s always inevitably there, and he knows just as well what it can do to a person. Whether you're aware of where the pain comes from or not, having Newt by your side is a huge help; certainly also because this boy would not judge you for anything in a lifetime, no matter what you do or say. 

- And since Newt’s, well, Newt, there would also be no pressure included - none, zero. If you’re not a talkative person, if you don’t want to share but only want him to be there, then he will be; if you want to talk, he’ll listen, and if you want him to leave you alone, then he leaves. He doesn’t assume anything - neither your weakness nor your strength, and least of all what kind of help you need. 

- He makes suggestions, of course, and offers his support wherever he can. His advice is precious and valuable and always actually helpful, because after all he goes through something very similar, but if you say no to something he’ll take the no and leave it at that. He’s nobody who’d push anything onto other people, and certainly not when it concerns their mental and physical health. 

- Basically all that he does and does not do stems from his own experiences. He acts the way he wants other people to act or wanted other people to have acted like in the past with him; so he’s very considerate, very observant, and most of all he listens to what you say - even when it goes against his better judgement.

- Newt knows what a physical injury and physical pain can do to someone’s psyche, which means that he understands mood swings, anxiety and depression, and many other issues that the other Gladers may have much more trouble figuring out. If you have problems with sleep, for example, he’ll be happy to have you move in with him, just so that when you can’t sleep, there’s someone who can hold you or someone you can talk to. (he’s certainly not the only one offering this, but he can’t sleep very well himself, and he asks no questions because of a lack of understanding like some others do - with no ill intent, but still an annoyance)

- He’s definitely the first one to stick up when you say that you can’t work on some days. While Alby needs a lot of persuading and explaining because he simply does not really grasp the concept of your pain (there’s no injury? so why would you be unable to work?) and on those exact days you’re mostly not in the mood to do so, Newt always finds the patience to reason with him and gets you enough time to rest. 

- When some of the Gladers voice their thoughts on how you should not be there because your pain causes you to be almost a liability through having to rest more and working less than others, Newt is also the first one to defend you. Again, not the only one, but he actually gets angry this time, and that happens very rarely. His continuous argument, which no one ever dares to speak up against, is that even though he is in quite a similar situation, they certainly weren’t about to banish him, were they? 

- All in all, Newt is the absolute sweetest. He doesn’t hold grudges, he doesn’t get easily offended, and he absolutely understands what chronic pain is like, so he’s one of the few people who you can always trust and just be yourself around. 

[sxftkxssxs]

Hi, I hope you are having a nice day.

Can I request The Arcana main 6 comforting a S/O that has social anxiety?

I completely understand if you don't want to because it's a complicated matter or you simply don't want to. So don't even worry about it ♡.

 thanks for requesting! :)

I'll try to write this as best I can, If i get anything wrong please tell me and I'll fix it as soon as possible !! (I got a little stuck on some of the scenarios so I might come back and fix them later on but i hope you like them anyways <3)

M6 With and s/o that has social anxiety

Asra

he understands, 

they might not experience it himself but they try to listen to anything you say about it

you end up coming up with a tiny solution, more of a distraction

if you have to do something in public and your social anxiety’s being a pain, He’ll let you mess with their hands, or Faust will make you hold her. 

He knows that there’s no way to fully “cure” your social anxiety so they’ll try to help in any way possible.

They try not to let you suffer it alone, he’s always there for you.

At least the shop isn’t the most famous place in town?

You start to feel the pit in your stomach, the nervousness. Before you can even try to overthink anything, Faust is slithering across your hands. “Friend! Calm?” You let a small smile slip. “It’s helping, Thank you Faust.” You drag a finger down her scales and she lets a shiver run through her. Asra is watching, smiling in awe at his familiar and favorite person. Yeah, he definitely got lucky.

Julian

you don't even have to tell him fully

his medical school background included mental illnesses,

while he knows you probably have your own ways of helping yourself, he wants to be able to help as well.

even if helping means just sitting in silence or cuddling at the end of the day

please tell him if he's attracting too much attention to the both of you

it's his natural environment to be in the spotlight, but he'll keep you out of it if you'd prefer

(let's be honest you obviously prefer it that way)

You groaned as you came home. Today sucked. You had to put yourself way out of your comfort zone, which resulted in that awful feeling in your chest and stomach. You had been nervous the entire day. Julian looked up from his stack of papers as you closed the door. He gave a sympathetic look, and opened his arms for a hug. "Let's go get ready for bed my dear." When you finally hit the bed, Julian basically turns you into a burrito. But it’s comforting, and he knows it. let’s hope you don’t mind being stuck with him bc ur kinda stuck in those blankets.

Nadia

She apologizes in advance

unfortunately for the both of you, being the countess and her lover puts you both in the spotlight.

she tries to keep you out of situations if she can but sometimes she either needs you or the situation requires both of your attention

when she does need you to address and issue with her she'll hold your hand, and chandra will be picking at your hair from time to time

please ignore the courtiers, all of them are kind of a pain besides volta

Nadia will give you ways to escape if she can tho <3

You tried to ignore the nausea that hit you as the courtiers all turned their eyes toward you. It was bad enough they were foul in court, but it felt like they were all laughing at you. Nadia placed a hand on your waist for support. “Ah, My apologies. It seems that there’s something we need to tend to. Excuse us,” There wasn’t really anything to tend to. Maybe a relaxing bath but who are you to complain?

Muriel

social anxiety bffs

no fr you both just cling to each other in social gatherings, Asra thinks it’s absolutely adorable

Muriel does know how bad it can be, so he helps in ways he thinks might work for you

Maybe it’s convincing Inanna into making your lap her chair for the day, or letting you hide behind him if you need to.

he’s so sweet about it, but truth be told you both try to avoid the big social settings

If you can’t avoid it you’re either together or complain afterwards

You planted yourself on the bed with a grunt. You’d had to go out and you got separated from muriel. That made today hell for the both of you, especially you. You’d been in the palace at a certain point, having to deal with some problems with Nadia. The palace is the exact opposite of where you want to be. A creak of the door opening pulled you from your thoughts. Muriel walked through the door, walking over to join you on the bed (as best as he could). Inanna laid herself beside the two of you. Even she felt exhausted. You snuggled your way in Muriels arms, finding a way to let Inanna in on the cuddle pile. “I’m never doing that again” “..me neither..”

Portia

oh you poor thing </3

she’s very adventurous, which can sometimes mean trouble, or even confrontation

if she sees that there’s confrontation coming she absolutely hides you somewhere and takes the blame lmao

does not let your social anxiety change her view of you at all, she still bugs you just as much to go out on adventures

pepi is your designated anxiety reliever

she’ll purr and lay in your lap to give you the perfect excuse to not move or go somewhere

Portia giggled at you, looking at the little ball of fluff on your lap. Pepi turned to be on her back. "Look at you two!" She placed a kiss on your cheek, giving pepi a little belly rub. "Pepi's been helping you unwind huh? guess I taught her well!" You let out a little giggle, pulling Portia into the chair beside you. You both spend the rest of your evening babying your favorite kitty and relaxing to the best of your abilities.

Lucio

I apologize for him

he's always gonna be attracting attention and i don't think you'd ever want to be in public with him

but he really does try to keep himself quiet for you!

since he's no good at that he tries to give you times to be alone with him and not bring spotlight to the both of you,

you really try to be near him but it doesn't really work out

the dogs will bark at him if he puts you in an uncomfortable situation, you can bet your life on it

Lucio knew parties weren’t your thing. That’s why you stayed up in his wing, away from where everyone was drinking and cheering. As much as he loves a party, he knows you’re more important. With Mercedes pulling on his suit he’s practically running through the halls to not fall over. She only lets go when you’re all in the same room. Melchior gives his sister a proud huff as you both decide it’s (absolutely) time for the party to end if Lucio wants you to survive in this castle. At least when everyone leaves you and the puppies get to give Lucio a piece of your minds :)