silentexplosive-diary

[silentexplosive-diary]

7/7/25

So. I'm a fanfiction writer. Have been since about 2012. It's nothing new to me, whatever.

I have a habit of working on 2 to 3 fanfics at once, which is a bad habit because then I rarely finish anything.

But! For the past... I think three or four years now, I've been working on a collection of fanfics that I have finished. They're all Tokyo Revengers fanfics, which is basically my favorite manga ever.

The first one (and all of these are on AO3 under my username SilentExplosive), "She's Morphine, Queen Of My Vaccine" is a Sanzu X OC fanfic, 38 chapters long, 107,200+ words.

The second one is "Worth It For Once" which is a Ran Haitani X OC X Rindou Haitani fic. It's 79 chapters, 137,500+ words long.

The third is "With You In My Head (It's All About Our Love For You)" which is a Mikey X OC fic. It's 40 chapters, 73,310 words long.

And now the fourth one I'm working on, "right where you left me" is a Draken X OC fanfic. The third and fourth are a tad darker than what I usually write, compared to the first two. A little more emotional, a bit sadder. This one, though, I think I'm going to turn the saddness up even more.

The thing is, is that this fourth fic is taking a lot longer to edit and post on AO3 than it's taken me in the past. I'm not using my regular editing program, mainly because they went and turned into a subscription service, which I'm not fucking paying for. So, my editing method as of right now is to write a bunch of chapters in advance, let them sit for a minute, then read over a chapter and write it out to check everything over before posting it.

(You may be thinking I'm crazy for wanting to write out a long-ass chapter just to edit it, but trust me, it works. Plus, I get to use the empty notebooks in my notebook collection this way.)

So yeah, nothing too exciting. Just wanted to share what I've been working on for literal years now.

Oh, and here's the collection if anyone's interested:

https://archiveofourown.org/series/4015474

[silentexplosive-diary]

7/2/25

So. Haven't been here in quite a while. Let me see if I can recount everything.

First off, partner fucking dumped me. Yeah, they got a car but never came to visit. In early April, they sent me a text asking if I was happy, then proceeded to dump me and blame me for... basically everything. And then, after a month of blocking them and trying to get over it, I come across proof that they're dating someone else... after only one month of us being broken up. I'm still mad about it. I don't want them back, don't get me wrong. I just don't see how they could say they love me and maybe we still do have a future together, and then get with someone else less than a month later.

I still feel overlooked at work. I actually cried about it a little this morning. I get to work early every morning, usually around 5:50am. I clock in, I do my job, I do everything asked of me and then some, I clock out. I don't know if I mentioned here that I was made shift lead/manager one day of the week (the bosses literally don't care if there's a difference), and that was well over a year ago. I've yet to hear any feedback on how I'm doing in that role from my bosses, and the only feedback I've ever gotten is from fellow employees, usually on their last day before they leave. One guy that just left us said that I've been a rock the entire time, meaning I've been so stable when things get crazy and uncertain. I still tear up thinking about that, mostly because all it brings up for me is how hard I try to stay steady, even when things are out of control, and get no recognition for it from my bosses.

While talking this over with my therapist once, she asked me on a scale of one to ten, how likely was I to be fired the next day? I said realistically, a one, but it constantly feels like a six.

I got a bunch of medical tests done, finally, and got a diagnosis for something I've been dealing with forever. When I was eighteen, I was put on a bad mix of medications, and it fucked me up so royally, I started sleeping around 20 hours a day, only getting up to eat and pee according to my mom. I didn't have a job and wasn't going to school at the time, but when I started working, I started cutting back my sleeping hours slowly but surely. After seven years, I've gotten it down to 14 hours a day, which still isn't very good. I was taking one to three naps per day, all ranging from about two to three hours, never going over three and a half hours. It just wasn't healthy. My uncle (who also passed this year) was diagnosed with narcolepsy, plus sleep apnea runs throughout my mom's side of the family. So, I got one sleep study done February 2024 to show that I did in fact have sleep apnea, then worked to get a dental device to wear while I sleep to help. Then in 2025, I had two more sleep tests done, plus a load of doctor's visits. I had another at-home sleep test plus a sleep test in a facility where they would hook me up to watch and monitor how I slept during the night and the day after.

When the results for both sleep tests came back late April, they showed I did not have narcolepsy, but instead idiopathic hypersomnia. So, basically, I sleep a lot and for no discernible reason. The treatment is the same, though, whether you have narcolepsy or idiopathic hypersomnia. It's a little stimulant pill that's just supposed to keep the sleep center of your brain awake. And it's been working. We've been tweaking the dosage since I've been on it for several reasons, but now I'm getting a more regular 9 or 10 hours of sleep per 24 hours.

That's all I can think of now, plus my fingers are starting to hurt, but if I think of anything else or anything major happens, I'll try to update.

🫶🏻✨️💕

[silentexplosive-diary]

7/22

Ugh.

My mood in one word. Ugh.

So, I've been writing this Tokyo Revengers fanfic since February, and I'm making pretty good headway so far. It's about 57 chapters long so far, somewhere around 90,000 words. It's my second fic in this particular fandom. I'm hitting writer's blocks more frequently though, and it's a little frustrating, but now I know better and know to just give myself some time until ideas come to me and then I can write again.

But right as I'm writing these last few chapters lately, I've found a new obsession in Heaven Official's Blessing. I bought all eight books and am currently reading book two. It's amazing so far, it's everything I want in a romance story. I could only dream of writing something as good as this.

I want to write a fanfic for it, and I have ideas, but I can't seem to get myself started while I'm already so deep into the TR project.

But while I'm fawning over the romance between Xie Lian and Hua Cheng, I'm thinking about my own relationship and how it seems to be crumbling before me.

I haven't seen my partner since their birthday in May. Early May, at that. Their car finally died and they've been saving up for a new car, but haven't had luck with keeping a job lately. I feel for them, I really do, and I try to be as patient as I can. I'm just scared of whenever that patience is going to run out, or if I'm going to be stuck waiting for things to get better for them and it's actually too late.

At this point I'm even starting to wonder if I truly like them, all of their faults included, or if I just like being in a relationship.

I hope it's just that we need to reconnect physically to get back to where we were in our relationship before distance separated us, and then everything will reset and be okay again. I don't want to make a rash decision, but I also don't want to just sit and watch the same cycle happen over and over again with them.

I don't know, I think all I can do now is just delude myself into getting into the mindset of the characters in my fics that are in love and live vicariously through them and whatever I put them through, good or bad.

[silentexplosive-diary]

6/27

Haven't done one of these in a while. So here we go.

I just got out of therapy like,,, twenty-something minutes ago. We talked about how I'm becoming unmotivated at work, how I feel like I'm overlooked at work, and how that all is making me feel burnt out. It doesn't matter how or why, but soon the session shifted into me being selfless to a point where it was harmful.

This is not news to me. This actually comes up quite frequently in my therapy sessions. How I put everyone else's needs before my own. How everyone is deserving but me. I've never been kind to myself, I think. And it frustrates me that I don't know how I learned this bad habit. What/Who taught this to me? I don't even remember a time when I was kind to myself. When I recognized that I also have needs that need to be met.

It's all just so frustrating. I want to be kind to myself. I have patience for everyone else on the planet, why don't I have any for myself? I think I deserve patience and kindness, but I just can't seem to give myself that. Like I don't have the capacity for myself, but I do for everyone else on the planet.

Anyways, I got out of therapy and texted my partner that I was out. They haven't seen me in several weeks due to their car breaking down and then having to wait for a new one to come in. The past few days I haven't talked much to them since I've been working and exhausted once I'm off work, so I've been trying to text them whenever I get a little free time.

Anyway, I texted them. And I told them about how I'm not kind to myself and I don't help myself. They said, "it'll be okay, we'll work on it together." And that just sort of set me off.

Their answer to any problem is that "We'll get through it together," and it just does nothing for me. It doesn't bring any comfort, it doesn't mean much to me at all, and I've tried explaining this to them before, but they just don't get it.

It's my problem. It's my problem that I brought to my therapist to help me. I'm just keeping my partner updated in what's going on with me. My partner is not my therapist, they have completely different jobs in my life. Now, I know my partner is not trying to be my therapist, they're just trying to be present for me and provide some sort of comfort. I guess I was just on edge being so frustrated with myself and how I am, I just picked a fight with my partner for no reason.

I said no immediately to them, and said that it was my therapist's job, not theirs. We went back and forth a little and just ended the conversation with a few "okay"s. I'll apologize and explain later, but I'm just so fed up with myself right now, that I had to write a post to get it all out. And cry. Had to cry while writing this, of course.

[silentexplosive-diary]

5/16 - Update To 4/10

Just an updated list, with some lyrics added to the list.

• I would follow him into hell, I just wish he would stop going there.

• I love you the way a knife loves a heart, a bomb loves a crowd, the way your mother warned you about; essentially.

• Life would be way easier if I were easier.

• To love with rage gone blind.

• We love with claws and teeth and the blood is proof of how much.

• We have always been meant to burn together.

• You wouldn't believe the kind of person I could become if you wanted it.

• My soul can't bear to be without yours, but that doesn't mean it works.

• I can hold a grudge like it's a hand.

• You would've loved the softer me.

• I'm hungry and hollow and just want something to call my own.

• This is our body because I live in you.

• I will burn him and burn him and burn him, and he will never really die.

• The punishment can never fit the crime, for it can never undo it.

• Maybe, in the face of abandonment, we are all the same.

• If you get hungry enough, they say, you start eating your own heart.

• I like to call myself wound, but I will answer to knife.

• What cannot be said will be wept.

• Letting go would be a kind of murder, wouldn't it?

• I am nothing but nausea.

• You can bite and scratch and beg, but you can never go back.

• All I am to you is a tragedy, right?

• You are a better knife than you are a person.

• I love you like something not worth loving back.

• If hell is other people, then mine sure as hell is you.

• I love you, it's ruining my life.

• And I'm pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free.

• He saw forever so he smashed it up.

• I forget if this was ever fun.

• Love left me like this, and I don't want to exist.

• Throwing my life to the wolves or the ocean rocks.

• I would've died for your sins, instead I just died inside.

• All your life, did you know you'd be picked like a rose?

• I'm the life you chose and all this terrible danger.

• If I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes too.

[silentexplosive-diary]

5/7

Hey. Just a quick little thing here to try and get me writing on here again, I guess.

So yesterday I was watching House, the medical drama series that I keep forgetting is a medical drama series. Then drama happens and I'm shocked and heartbroken because how dare they put drama in a drama.

Anyway, I was watching this episode that was basically about daddy issues as a subplot to the main plot of the episode, and this character said a line that instantly got me thinking. He said, "If you could hear one thing from your dad, what would you want him to say?" Or something along those lines.

House answers with, "You were right. What you did was right." I believe he worded it that way. And I fully paused the episode and I had to think for a minute.

My father was an addict who beat my mom and neglected me any chance he got. He bankrupted us before he left when I was three, and only kept in contact to ask for money from my mom when he was in trouble. I didn't realize this until I was twelve, and I was bitter and heartbroken over it until the day he died when I was fourteen.

Now, with close friends, I like to make jokes about having a literal deadbeat father. As I've gotten older, I've just accepted whatever happened isn't on me, and there's nothing I could've done about any of it at my age. There's plenty my dad could've done better, but he didn't, and so the consequences caught up to him. Simply put, that's it. There's not really any bitter feelings towards him anymore other than, "yeah he was an asshole and he died alone, what do you expect?"

But every so often I'm reminded of my own substance abuse issues and I go to my therapist with fears that I'm turning out just like my father did, which is the last thing I want. My therapist says I'm nowhere near doing the damage to myself that my father did to himself. They also say that I like to punish myself before I actually do anything, which I have to admit is true. I punish myself for simply thinking about doing something I shouldn't, which is a whole other thing to unpack at a later date.

But as this character asked this question, I tried to think of what my answer would be, naturally. I don't want to hear that he loves/loved me, it just sounds like a lie to me. I don't want to hear that he wishes he'd done better, wishes don't do anything for me. I don't want to hear that he's sorry, I just wouldn't believe him no matter what he said.

There's nothing he could possibly say that could satisfy or comfort me, and as soon as I realized that, it felt kind of freeing. It felt like I wasn't so worried about his existence in my life now that I realize there's nothing he can give me, not even words. There's truly nothing I want to hear from him, whereas I felt years ago that an apology might've done something. Maybe not fix things, but do something. It feels like ten years after his death, I've finally cut ties with him.

You have no idea how great it feels. Feels like I'm not as fucked up as I've imagined myself to be. Everybody who's ever even had a conversation with me knows I talk about my mom often and I love my mom, but I don't say a word about my dad unless someone asks. I know people know I just don't have a dad, and I'm fine with it. I've lived almost my entire life without him, it's not like he's something I miss. I'm used to his absence. I've even had people assume I'm a test tube baby and tell me that to my face since they only ever see me with my mom.

Anyway, it's a long-winded way of me saying I feel some closure now, which I don't think I've ever really felt before. And it feels good.

[silentexplosive-diary]

4/10

I haven't written in a while which is okay because I haven't had much to write about.

What I do have is a list of quotes I want to create a fic out of. I'm just having trouble coming up with a plot, ugh.

If anyone has any ideas, please let me know!

• I would follow him into hell, I just wish he would stop going there.

• I love you the way a knife loves a heart, a bomb loves a crowd, the way your mother warned you about; essentially.

• Life would be way easier if I were easier.

• To love with rage gone blind.

• We love with claws and teeth and the blood is proof of how much.

• We have always been meant to burn together.

• You wouldn't believe the kind of person I could become if you wanted it.

• My soul can't bear to be without yours, but that doesn't mean it works.

• I can hold a grudge like it's a hand.

• You would've loved the softer me.

• I'm hungry and hollow and just want something to call my own.

• This is our body because I live in you.

• I will burn him and burn him and burn him, and he will never really die.

• The punishment can never fit the crime, for it can never undo it.

• Maybe, in the face of abandonment, we are all the same.

• If you get hungry enough, they say, you start eating your own heart.

• I like to call myself wound, but I will answer to knife.

• What cannot be said will be wept.

• Letting go would be a kind of murder, wouldn't it?

• I am nothing but nausea.

• You can bite and scratch and beg, but you can never go back.

• All I am to you is a tragedy, right?

• You are a better knife than you are a person.

• I love you like something not worth loving back.

[silentexplosive-diary]

2/16

SO I've been stressed.

Remember how my partner and I got in a fight on Saturday night because of some fuck shit at their job? Yeah, well shit went down again yesterday.

First, they dropped me off at work then hung out until like an hour before they had to be at work. They went to go leave and then their car wouldn't start up again. They thought the battery had died (naturally) so they got someone to help give their car a jump. That didn't work (because it wasn't the battery), so they panicked and drained the oil out of their car and into the parking lot of my job. Then they were stuck at my job with me all day and didn't do anything to try and get their car fixed. They didn't call a mechanic, didn't look up any mobile mechanics, didn't call any family for help, nothing. So, that pissed me off quite a bit that I felt I had no choice but to take initiative or nothing would get done. I ended up calling a mechanic and I scheduled the appointment. Then I fucking told them off for doing jack shit and instead of doing anything to solve their problem, they took a three hour nap at my job while I worked my usual job plus did research for them in my downtime.

But that problem is mostly solved today. I'm still a bit annoyed by their behavior about their problem and their just,,, lack of care I guess? I don't appreciate that attitude at all.

But also yesterday, I dressed up for work. For Valentine's Day, it's Spirit Week at my job. We try to do two or three spirit weeks a year, usually for holidays. Yesterday's theme was Pink Vs. Red, and I chose pink. I picked out a whole outfit, I did my makeup all cute, I even had new hair to go with it to show off a little. And even the whole day, I was feeling okay with the amount of effort I put in, as people were just throwing me compliments. It wasn't too much to be overwhelmingly obvious, it wasn't too little to where I felt no one noticed.

And then came the end of the shift, where my two best work friends were also wearing pink, and someone compared us to being The Plastics from Mean Girls. Then came up the idea of a picture of The Plastics, and we had to assign roles of who would be which Plastic.

I, naturally, got Regina. Both something I can admit and something that fills me with anxiety.

Regina George is terrifyingly beautiful. She's such a fucking bitch, she's good at being mean. She is, in the words of the musical, "the prettiest poison you've ever seen." I am, at the same time, honored and horrified to immediately be connected/compared to her.

I mean, I've said it myself, the similarities are there. I am vain, I care about my appearance possibly a little too much to be healthy, I have to control every aspect of everything that goes on around me and sometimes that includes other people, I'm nosy as fuck, and I'll panic if I think I don't look good enough or if one of my plans goes even slightly wrong.

So, I was Regina in the pictures we took, front and center. I looked good. We all looked good. I'm getting more likes on this set of photos than I am in any of the pictures I've posted in the past few months within the first 30 minutes.

All this tells me is that I need to try harder. Need to appear more social. People like that, apparently. So that's what I'll do.

[silentexplosive-diary]

2/13

So the last time I posted was the 4th, and honestly, so much has happened and also absolutely nothing has happened at the same time. I haven't had time to come here and rant about it, but I've been sitting on this in my brain for a few days now.

Today is Tuesday, the day before Valentine's Day. My partner and I got into a little fight on Saturday, our first fight actually. We're fine now, but I'm just going to summarize it for context.

So my partner was fired from their job a few weeks ago and spent a week looking for jobs and applying before they got hired. Turns out, they're now working as a solicitor and making commission instead of salary, so it's not a very stable job. I thought from the start that it was shady, but I did my best to be supportive and just keep my negative views to myself, as I always do in any given situation. My partner throughout the week would give me updates on how their day went, and someday last week, they had the cops called on them twice and a gun pulled out on them. They're fine, but was a little shaken up due to having PTSD from being in the military.

That was kind of the last straw for me with this job. Then came Saturday night, when they're supposed to come over to my place and spend the night so we can spend Sunday together when we're both off. I usually cook us dinner and we just hang out and spend time together.

They warned me beforehand that they were going to be late, but gave me no specific time. I texted around 5, they said they were still going to be late. I texted again around 7:30, they're still out there knocking on doors. By this point, I've talked to my mom who I live with about what I should do and if I even wanted them over anymore, and I've texted my best friend about it to try and sort out my feelings about this. I end up texting my partner that maybe they should just go home since it's so late and my dinner plans were ruined at this point (since dinner was going to take over an hour to make), and after two more hours, my partner texts me that they're just up the street.

They make it to my house around 10pm, and they can see that I'm clearly not happy. After getting them inside and locking back up, I start to talk to them and explain why I'm not happy, the main reason being that it's dangerous to be out and knocking on stranger's doors to sell shit at fucking night. I then said I wanted them to look at other jobs since this one was shady, and I pointed out details about why they're shady that I won't disclose here, and my partner heard me out, and apologized, which honestly shocked me.

This brings me to the thoughts I've been having for the past few days since we made up and are good now.

They listened to me. They apologized, more than once. And I mean an actual apology, not just a half-assed sorry. They promised to do better so I wouldn't worry or be stressed out, and I felt that they meant it. I'm not used to that.

It's no secret that I was in an abusive relationship about a year or so before my current one. My ex was a cheater and a liar all around, and I was too blinded by what I thought was love to see it. They used me to cheat and I just saw it as affection, then they cheated on me and I didn't find out until we were over. They would lose their temper and blame me, depsite taking it out on me, and their "apologies" were always manipulative as fuck. Always "I'm just a horrible person and you deserve better," or "I don't know what you want from me, everyone expects things of me."

So to now have a partner that actually listens and wants to do better? It's crazy to realize it. I was standing there in front of them, listening to them apologize properly and tell me how they were going to do better for me because they want a life with me, and I was immediately back to telling myself that it was a lie, because all previous apologies I was used to were lies. I had to convince myself to trust my current partner and remind myself that they are not my ex. These are two very different people.

So, yeah. That's what's been circling my head the past few days. Might tell my partner about it when they're back this afternoon. Who knows.

[silentexplosive-diary]

2/4

I made something into another social event today, and stressed myself out.

My partner stayed over last night so we had all of today together. I thought, "Hm. We haven't been to a theater and seen a movie in a while, why don't we do that today?" So we went to go see the new Mean Girls.

So, just like everyone did with Barbie, I put on a little pink outfit and spent over an hour doing my makeup to make sure I looked perfect. As I usually do when it gets into my head that I need to make some sort of appearance for whatever reason.

And, as we were watching the movie, I just started seeing bits of myself in Regina and was getting uncomfortable. I was just talking to a coworker the other day about how if I wasn't in control of any situation my brain demands that I be in control of, I freak out. I gave her some examples like when I was a sophomore in high school taking a Latin class, I for some reason decided that I was just going to rule over the entire class. The teacher had a podium and a stool at the front of the room beside his desk, and I decided that that podium would be my desk. He would tell me to sit in a chair and I would just refuse until it wore him down enough and I got my way.

Looking back, I don't know why the hell I did that. The poor man was just trying to do his job and teach teenagers Latin. He didn't need to deal with me being dramatic and putting myself up on a pedestal publicly like that. But I did it anyway.

I also told her about how I got a certain series of books banned from my elementary school for somewhat starting a cult about the books. The teachers deemed it inappropriate behavior, I got in trouble, the books were banned from that school.

My coworker laughed, saying I've apparently always been a leader in life, and of course, I agree. I've done it with jobs, too. At no point do I start a job thinking, "I'm going to be the boss of these people someday." But that's usually what seems to happen. First job, I make manager in two years. Second job, manager in five months. Current job, not a manager yet but I am looked up to as if I were in a higher position than I am. I just somehow worm my way into that, and maybe that's just imposter syndrome happening, but it certainly feels like me just inserting myself into being in charge of some sort.

I used to even theorize and just figure I had a "dominant personality" or whatever the hell. Something about me makes me good at leading people and getting what I want in the end, for better or for worse.

And I was considering not even bringing this up, but it's in my brain. I was such a bitch in middle school as I was realizing this. I was on a fucking power trip. I'd been bullied a bit through elementary school, and about halfway through middle school, I was tired of it. I tried to make friends with this popular boy I had a crush on in sixth grade, and he was nice enough to me in class to make me think he could be my friend. Then he ignored me all throughout seventh grade when we didn't share any classes, so by eighth grade, I decided that I'd had enough of being walked on and ignored. His friends would always laugh at me that I was trying to talk to him and be friendly, and that pissed me off the most.

Eighth grade was also around the time I began modeling, so I was on a little power trip from that, admittedly. I was tall for my age and was used to the pageant scene for my area, and I knew a woman from church in the fashion industry that got me started on catwalks for local shows. I hated catwalks, by the way, and I worked with a designer that had such a shit personality that I quit after doing their show, only to start modeling again when I was 20, but I only did photo shoots then.

Anyway, I was cocky about being pretty enough to model at that young of an age and I was fed up with how I was being treated by my peers. I turned nasty to them. I completely changed my friend group to some semi-popular people, and I was just downright mean to anyone that wasn't in that group. It's honestly no wonder why they all left me when we started high school, and I had to start from scratch all over again.

I carried that poison into high school with me, too. I just remember thinking to myself that I had to walk in the hallways like I owned them, or I would never be taken seriously and I'd be back to being a weird kid and bullied. So, to prevent that, I became the bully for those years.

And I'd forgotten it all until I saw Regina George up on the screen acting almost exactly like how I acted back in those days. Snapping at whoever to do what you wanted, even if it was just to shut up. Giving out backhanded compliments with a smile. Teasing and poking and prodding people to their limits without any care in the world.

I sat in that theater beside my partner and I was terrified that they'd see the similarities between us. So terrified, they noticed my mood had changed after we left, so I just had to compose my perfected face for an hour and convince them I was fine.

Now they're driving back home and I'm up, still in my makeup, writing this.

I guess my fears in my head boil down to this: If I'm not perfect, then I am nothing, and if I don't step on others, they'll step on me.

Once again, it's tiring. It's exhausting. I hate seeing the worst in myself and everyone around me all the time. I'm really trying to change it.

[silentexplosive-diary]

2/3

So my ex best friend came into my coffee shop today, so let's talk about her bitch ass :)

Not gonna use any names cos I'm not messy like that, but I am messy enough to talk shit about it.

So, me and this girl met back in sixth grade, so when we were about 11. I thought she was super weird because she had weird fashion (in my opinion) and hung out with the rest of the weird kids. And don't get me wrong, I was a weird kid too. I was just a different genre of weird. She was emo band obsessed weird, I was obsessed with Twilight weird. Somehow our weirds did not mix, I don't know why.

It wasn't until we were freshmen in high school that we met again in a class we shared, and we formed a friend group in that class, and eventually me and her just paired off together.

Our friendship lasted all through out high school, even when I dropped out at the end of junior year due to mental health complications. She was my only friend for a few years after that, the only person who bothered to stay in touch with me. She was there for me when I was hospitalized at 20 and came to visit me every day, if not multiple times a day. I even talked about marrying her at some point as like a platonic life partner or something because we were that close.

Then I got into an abusive relationship with someone when I was 22. They were 26 and used me to cheat on their girlfriend, and eventually just ended up dragging me along and cheated on me. It was a whole mess, and my best friend had my back all through it, even when I wouldn't listen to her and take her advice because I thought I was in love. I wasn't. I apologized multiple times over to her and thanked her for sticking with me throughout it all. She forgave me, always.

But then came my autism diagnosis. To make a very long story short, I was diagnosed as a kid, my mom hid it from me, I started connecting the dots at 22, and my mom and therapist confirmed it for me, leaving me feeling like a whole part of my identity was just hidden from me and also feeling very alone and like everyone knew something about me that I didn't know.

She, my ex best friend, did not help with this in the slightest. At this point, I'd been a barista for about 8 or 9 years, and coffee is very clearly a special interest of mine. She was suddenly always talking about me getting a "big girl" job and leaving the industry. She herself got a "big girl" job right out of college, and it's just a glorified desk job in my opinion. I personally hated it, just the idea of it, but she was excited about it, so I was happy for her. I knew she worked her ass off through high school and college to achieve this, so I always shared in her excitement. I was confused as to why she couldn't share my excitement about my job whenever I got a promotion to shift leader or manager, or even when I came up with a new drink to go on the menu, or even just learn a new skill to apply? I didn't, and still don't, see how it's so different.

Then it slowly started making sense to me. She looked down at my job and just thought hers was naturally "better" because she had to get a college degree to achieve hers. She didn't see my job as a "real job." She just straight up doesn't think service industry people are people, and she made it extra clear that that's what she thought when she would visit me at my job and how she would treat my coworkers. I was always apologizing to them after she left for her behavior, sickening as it was, and I started to question why I was still friends with her.

Then one day, me, her, and another friend went on a day-long shopping spree, and after we dropped the friend back at her house, I admitted that I was pretty overstimulated and tired. Immediately came things like "Oh, we can talk really quietly and you can play your music and we can just get you home so you can rest, I totally understand, just let me know if you need anything." Which at the time I thought was super kind and understanding of her.

But then, if I would say something that was socially inappropriate, as I kind of am known to do, as is a classic symptom of autism, she would turn vicious against me. Then would come comments of "That's sick of you, you're a monster, you're an abomination for saying that, you're so horrible." I have clear memories of her saying these things to me. Even after I would tell her that I don't realize when I've said something inappropriate, but I do realize I can make mistakes. The most she needs to do is just correct me, not berate me. But she never did. I would be called names, shouted at for a bit, and then would not hear from her for days or weeks at a time.

Eventually, she was the one that suggest we "take a break" from our friendship. That was about two years ago now, and yet she still comes to the coffee shop she knows I work at and just ignores me as I make her drinks. I've given up on leaving as soon as I see her walk in to go hide in the back. Doesn't stop her at all and nothing will. As much as I want to ban her, I have no actual reason to other than she's a person who crossed me. And she knows full and damn well that I am not a forgive and forget kind of person. I hold onto my grudges forever. There has yet to be a grudge that I've let go of. Once you've wronged me and not apologized for it, I remember that shit forever.

So, yeah. Moral of the story, if you go to a place where you know someone that works there that you don't get along with is there, just don't go there. Find somewhere else. We're all villains in someone else's story. You're just making their day worse.

My day before that was waking up at 3am in pain and then missing my alarm to get up and get to work, and then a rush that lasted about 3 hours. So I really didn't need this sudden appearance from a past cast member of my life. But whatever. Shit's over now.

Partner is coming over later tonight. Still mad I can't get railed lol. Would improve my mood greatly. Sigh.

✌🏻

[silentexplosive-diary]

2/2

So I told a customer that I loved them today.

I don't fucking know why I did that. I got like, maybe four hours of sleep last night that I can remember, had to get up at 5:30 for my lovely little barista job, and when I got in at 6am, I warned my coworker that I was probably going to be a little weird.

Side note, I'm used to getting anywhere from 10 - 14 hours of sleep a day. I'm hypersomniac and am going to get tested at some point this year for narcolepsy.

Anyway, the no sleep was catching up to me around 11am this morning while I was on bar making drinks. One of our regulars comes in and makes small talk with the people at the register and orders her drinks and such, and then goes to use the bathroom while I'm making her drinks.

When she's done, I'm already done with her drinks, so she looks at me and says "Thank you, (my name.)" And I go, "You're welcome, (her name.)" And she says, "I appreciate you," So I said "I love you," And then she said "I love you, too." And turned away and then I said to myself, "What the fuck was that?"

Then I later told my coworker that I said I love you to that particular regular, and she got on the floor laughing hard.

So, in short, I need my sleep or I do dumb shit.

In other news, my partner is coming over tomorrow night and I'm upset I can't be "intimate" with them because my period came and that honestly grosses me out. Very sad.

In other other news, I just now remembered thay today is pay day, so I'm probably going to order some delivery and take a fat nap.

[silentexplosive-diary]

1/30

So I sprained my neck. Lmao. Haha. Funny.

I woke up yesterday morning at like 2:40am because my neck hurt so goddamn much, I just got a heating pad and went back to sleep. Then I woke up again at 6 to text my work groupchat like "hey someone pls cover half my shift so i can go see a doctor thx luv u all bye" and I got it covered, so that worked out.

Now I have two new medicines, a strong painkiller and a muscle relaxer. I took both yesterday and passed out within half an hour, then took the painkiller this morning after breakfast and passed out again. My neck feels a lot better though, so I'm glad it's working.

But there is one thing though; during my dream this morning after I took my pills, I dreamt that my mom and I were on some sort of trip, and she was mad at me because I wasn't "acting correctly" and eventually took me to a doctor during the trip to get me checked out.

This mostly stands out to me because I'm autistic. Mom's known forever, since I was a toddler. She's never berated me for it, has always been understanding of me. She's been by my side through the meltdowns, through me not getting by in school or keeping up with my peers, through everything. She was there to fight for me when back in the late nineties and early two thousands, doctors didn't want to test little girls for Asperger's and autism. She was there to talk my teachers into having a little more patience with me as I grew up and struggled through school, and eventually left after my junior year of high school. She has supported me through it all, and I couldn't be more grateful.

So why am I dreaming about her losing her shit that I'm not "acting correctly"? That's not like her at all. She knows my behavior better than anyone by now, she knows I have mood swings and I tell her when I'm in the midst of one. She's always patient whenever I had a meltdown or would just have an angry mood swing and become violent.

This dream disturbs me and I don't like it. That's it, that's the post. Thanks.

[silentexplosive-diary]

1/28

It's the middle of the day but whatever, who really cares, not I, that's for sure.

I accepted to split a shift today even though I'm usually off on Sundays because I had nothing else going on, so why not make a little more money and get overstimulated and over-caffeinated all at once?

That's not my point here.

My point here today in this post are the Taylor Swift lyrics, "What must it be like to grow up that beautiful? With your hair falling into place like dominoes."

I woke up at six-thirty in the goddamn morning for a shift that didn't start until eight-thirty, but I wanted to be there by at least eight-fifteen so I could have some time to set up by myself. At six-thirty this morning, I decided to match my makeup to my top, which is like a black gray navy crushed velvet tank top. I spent around forty-five minutes on my makeup, which is pretty good time considering I could go much more detailed and take much longer.

But I'm only going to work for like, three hours. I'm not doing shit today because it's rainy and I have a headache. Why spend so much time perfecting my face? My appearance? I normally don't give a shit and go to work in whatever T-shirt and jeans were at the top of the clean clothes pile.

But I put in the effort today and I hate myself for it regardless.

Quick backstory for context about why I hate myself for caring so much and putting so much effort into my appearance. I was a model at 13, I quit at 15, became a makeup artist and model again at 20, quit again at 21, and has been struggling with self worth and external validation regarding my appearance the whole damn time.

I've been talking to my therapist about this too, don't get me wrong. We had a work dinner party a few weeks ago where I spent a week planning my outfit and hours getting ready before the party, just for the party to be a three hour affair. I told my therapist that it's exhausting to spend all that time and energy into something that no one else tries so hard for, so then I'm just left self conscious about myself trying so hard to be perfect.

I have a therapy appointment this week, I'll probably talk about it again.

Because, has anyone seen Euphoria? You know that whole episode where Cassie wakes up at four in the morning to do a whole routine to make herself as perfect as possible for Nate, and he doesn't even notice her efforts? That's what it feels like every time I get ready for any sort of social event that isn't just going to work. I spend so much goddamn mental energy and effort to make myself look perfect, and I say it's so I can appease my own standards for myself, but that's fucking bullshit. It's been fucking wired into my brain somehow that if I don't look perfect, if I don't act correctly and come across as flawless, then I'm worth nothing as a person. I have to look immaculate as possible, and I have to keep perfect posture the whole time and a fair face, no rude expressions allowed, or I've failed.

But what have I failed? Who's keeping score of all of this? Who in their right mind is keeping tabs of how I act and every little micro expression, or if I let my shoulders drop in the slightest?

No one, that's who. It's absolutely ridiculous of me to hold myself to these impossible standards, and yet I do it every single time. And no one notices. Because no one cares that much. So why do I try so hard?

I don't even know.

So, what must it be like to grow up that beautiful, with your hair falling into place like dominoes? It's fucking tiring is what it's like.

Thanks for letting me vent. Be back tomorrow probably.

[silentexplosive-diary]

1/27

I missed yesterday's post. Oops.

Well, I have a good reason. I worked, and my partner was in town to visit me, and after they left, I fell asleep and stayed asleep for 12 hours until I had to wake up for work at about 6 something this morning. So, um, yeah.

I got home from work today and I'm still tired despite the 12 hours of sleep plus a large latte Plus a large dirty chai as well. I haven't eaten much so it's probably due to that that I'm so tired.

Yesterday I wanted to write something like, profound being like, "Today I'm thinking about how I exist in the background of other people's lives." Or some shit, but I was so tired after work, my thoughts didn't really run deep into it.

Today, however, it's warm out and I have some nostalgic feelings about it. It's warm and cloudy, which is possibly my favorite kind of weather. Makes me think about getting food or ice cream out and making running errands fun and stuff. Reading a book outside, or finally eating healthy for once because the appearance of the sun makes you want to.

I want to write something today, though. I've had a writing block since August, and I think I'm finally breaking out of it. I have plans for a story that I could possibly turn into a novel that I'll work on seriously for once in my life, and I'm also three chapters into a fanfic I wanted to get out of my head.

Sidenote, I've been writing fanfic since I was 12 years old. I've got like 30+ published ones online and around 200+ drafts in files. I'm very committed to this hobby.

Anyway, this fanfic is in a fandom I've written and published and finished one fic for already, so I'm hoping if I write enough and finish it, the readers I got to follow me from the previous fic will transfer over to this new one and motivate me to finish this one.

So yeah, that's pretty much all that's on my mind today. Toodaloo or whatever.

[silentexplosive-diary]

An Introduction, I Guess

I haven't been on tumblr since about 2019, if I had to guess. I did have a popular blog, but I just sort of fell out of it. Now I'm back and ready to start over, but with a twist.

This time, I'm going to be treating my tumblr as my diary. I'm going to be talking about things that have happened in my day, things that upset me, things that made me happy, just things.

But first, let's get into me. I'm 24, my pronouns are they/he, and I work full time as a barista, though I'd really like to be an author. I've been a barista for eleven years total now, but only been getting paid for it for about six years, the previous five was volunteer work. I have a partner who I've been seeing for about six months now, and I don't really have friends outside of my coworkers.

I like writing, poetry, anime and manga, and finding new shows or movies to binge watch. I'm an expert at binge watching.

That's pretty much all I can think of for right now. I'll be writing about my day soon, so let's see how this goes.

✌🏻