#need to stop saying it can’t get worse
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i get in a car i get on a plane i get on a bus. i walk into the room i nearly died in. it’s a mess because i left it like that.
#moved cities and it didn’t fix me#so i moved countries and it didn’t fix me#moving away again in august#third time’s the charm#honestly what i want is to just. disappear#not in a sad way (maybe in a sad way?) but i just want to pack up and leave#been waiting for so long i forgot what i was waiting for#really i shouldnt have come back#i love my family but. jesus christ#need to stop saying it can’t get worse#anyway#postsandrecourse#i should delete this soon fjfkfk
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it is literally not about legality, if you’re in your late 30s literally what are you hitting up 21 y/os for. Don’t you have investments to make.
#Astonishing number of people will jump on the ‘but it’s technically legal!’ defence#But will not answer my question of whyyyyyy. If your date sounds like PTA night and you need to parent your girlfriend#you have an age gap! And! You are the lamest loser on earth; that is fact; hope this helps!!#(Okay. Lowkey? I shouldn’t be thinking about this STILL. Given it’s been like a MONTH since#But I feel a lil let down and betrayed and I think I’m still kinda processing that… but I#I confided in my bestestest friend that an older man was creeping on me. And I expected her to have my back 100%#And idk— I think she’s just had worse experiences with men and has a higher tolerance to bad behaviour than I an asexual person do#But her response was along the lines of ‘you’re an adult; there’s no problem with it really;#can’t blame him for shooting his shot; it’s not really a weird age gap’#And worst of all— ‘maybe he just has an age kink; maybe he gets off on you being younger’#I have to say. I don’t care. The point is that I discouraged it several times and was getting increasingly uncomfortable with it#I feel like in that situation the thing to do is side with me especially when I’m telling you all this.#And like. Sigh i don’t know. I still love her with all my heart but it’s feeling a lil awkward rn#I’m still thinking about that and obviously I don’t want it to ruin the best friendship I’ve ever had#But it’s feeling a little forced right now. I expected her to have my back and for some reason her brushing this aside did make me#Feel completely invalidated and like I should just stop feeling weirded out and man up and discourage this man in words—#When the thing is there was NEVER any hint of interest. I don’t feel like I should have to dignify his behaviour in terms of interest or#Attraction. Because! I just don’t think you should be that forward with strangers repeatedly!! and if I think that’s weird then I’m sorry i#It won’t work with me! I don’t like it! I think that’s grounds enough to stop oh my god.#I’ll be seeing my bestie in a couple of weeks. Flying all the way out to England for her. I don’t want this to be awkward…#but something in me is just a lil heartbroken. Like I feel the girlcode was broken. We’ve always told each other#Not to let men affect our self worth or alter our boundaries. I feel like that was violated.#(ik she said that bc her bf at the time was 30 but like. Listen to my individual situation no? This one wasn’t about you I came for advice)#Rant
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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i need a break please
i feel like i’m always just barely getting the bare minimum done
i don’t know why??? like logically i should be doing fine, i barely have anything to do
idk sorry for oakley weird vibes times
#shouting into the void#i keep wanting to say ‘it’s adhd obviously’ but like#i can’t just blame everything on that#and also even if i do blaming doesn’t do anything#like im still in the same position#idk#sorry#i don’t like like complaining on here i just need to get it out ya know#idk i should probably stop#it’s weird to just put that out on the internet#plus im probably just feeling weird cause im on my period and what not#like im sure im doing just fine it’s just every emotion is like ten times worse#idfk
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ok executive dysfunction is kind of ruining my life actually
#i have an incredibly time-consuming project i NEED to finish and i genuinely don’t know if i can#i’ve started which is good but i’m horrifically behind where i need to be and i’m just so overwhelmed#i technically have enough time to finish it i think? but it’s my final project so i literally cannot miss this deadline#my professor is really cool + likes me but it’s already been so long w/out me bringing it up#and wtf am i supposed to say? yeah. i WANTED to work on it. i just chose not to????? like wtf#it’s just so humiliating and i’m so behind i don’t know wtf i’m gonna do#it’s worse bc it’s an animation and it’s gg related and i really really wanted this to be good and i wanted things to be different this time#kind of funny bc i’m actually mid getting an adhd diagnosis rn but it’s just so fucking awful because i do this constantly#it fucking sucks so much i feel so helpless and i don’t know wtf is wrong with me. i’m so tired of letting everyone down constantly#it’s so bad rn i literally cannot do anything. it’s humiliating like WHY can’t i just be a functional normal person#it fucking SUCKS because i KNOW if i had any self control or work ethic whatsoever i could be really fucking successful but i don’t.#so i won’t be i guess.#and i KNOW it’s tied into a bunch of different stuff too but like gd i DO NOT care i just want to be functional#worst case scenario i have an A in the class so if i completely blow it i’ll at least pass? hopefully?#i might be able to talk my prof into an extended deadline but it’s so embarrassing bc i didn’t need one in the first place.#i have literally no excuses#it just makes me so upset because i just keep doing this over and over and i don’t know how to stop it or how to get better#and LOL sorry for posting this here i just feel weird talking to anyone personally about this (+ currently avoiding responding to messages!)#it’s just like. man if i can’t get a fucking grip i will literally waste my entire life. Oh Well! LOL
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A lot of times in fandom I find myself looking at lesbian ships and I’m like
Are they really lesbians or are these two women just the only ones left not paired off and y’all are allergic to aro/ace characters and believe that bi people in m/f relationships are still basically straight?
#danny talks#no but seriously#not only are they paired off and people lose their mind if they’re shipped w a guy and insist ‘no she’s CLEARLY A LESBIAN’ because you don’t#like the ship#to the point that people get genuinely threatening (looking at the WQ and JC haters here I don’t even like it but the haters are too much)#but that also lets you push them into a tiny corner where the only way they’re accepted is if they’re uwu perfect girls in a soft pastel r#relationship*#sometimes gay ships that are gay just to pair off are worse#don’t get me wrong I’m not saying everyone is doing it rarepairs and crack ships exist for a reason#I’m saying that the need to push two ppl of the same gender together just to pair everyone off is obnoxious#and it’s additionally obnoxious when you do it to WLW because y’all never give#a damn about actually fleshing out the character just pairing them off so they can’t get in the way of your mlm ship#you can have your ‘these two are the only girls in the room so clearly they’re lesbians’ but for the love of god pls treat them as well as#you do the male characters#I’m dying out here#also stop being fucking aro and bi-phobic or I’m coming for your knees
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my whole body hurts SO BAD
#my back hurts pretty bad. i can tune it out a little but not ignore it. i think this is making the rest of my spine really tense? and#shoulders too? and i’ve also been getting headaches almost every day#im still a little sick but it’s probably just gonna linger until i can rest which can’t happen for a few more days (i say this like#every week though no?)#hands and wrists are like. bad worse than usual#like both numb and painful and it’s taking a lot more focus to do things nimbly or not stop stuff#*drop stuff#ankles have kinda been sore i think just from walking so much which is manageable#but it’s hard with everything else rn. also i think i kinda pulled something yesterday because i almost hit it onto the concrete while#almost BIT IT not hit#walking at night#felt like a pull? but it was painless but then i ran across the street and a numbness shot up my leg#and it’s a little tingly today#i think i need to build some more core strength honestly#and get enough sleep more than one night per week#also probably more stretches for hands and wrists#ideally i’d also love to not be enormously stressed but i do not see this happening!#im actually less stressed this week but i think the months and months if not years have done their damage#also getting beat up for fun. which i think is objectively funny to layer over all this but yknow. i think that detracts from my overall#stress & doesn’t contribute to bad exhausting pain#(-:<
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Keeping my thoughts short as I find trying to write about my emotions just makes me feel them longer as I continue feeling them while writing about them. Do you ever find yourself wishing something upon yourself that would objectively make your life harder because “then it would be easier to make things make sense”. Like, no brain, having more symptoms of neurodivergence wouldn’t make things better except for in the very specific situation of diagnosis. It would just make our life harder the rest of the time. No dysphoria isn’t something to want either. Yes it would make it easier to parse out what the gender situation actually is. In both fronts we just have to be ok with never investigating and never getting an answer, because investigating is miserable due to how unhappy it makes me and without investigating I can’t get an answer. Now please stop thinking about myself and stop feeling the stomach void TM plus nausea.
#my post#Hi there irls I know you are probably not seeing this#I know it’s a running gag that I should see a psychiatrist and get diagnosed. I don’t meet enough criteria#I can’t give exact details as true to what I’ve mentioned I’ve banned myself from looking at the dsm for myself because it makes me miserab#There aren’t enough things to say I’m neurodivergent and something is… off about me or whatever that people can seem to clock there is#Something is but there isn’t enough and I’m going fucking insane about this again#Just sometimes my brain decides it can’t be a girl. That I need to fix it now. I have a binder. Put it on now. It screams as I am busy#And my binder is at home because I’m fucking fine most of the time. My current binder makes my chest too flat. I should get a shittier bind#It says. I don’t have opinions on pronouns except for when I do#oh hey they changed again.#Is my gender fluid? Do I just have dysphoria sometimes and not others? Why is my default state “idgaf” which is so hard to read#Pick a fucking lane me. Stop standing there#Except fucking moving means making myself miserable in the investigation process to pick a side#And so the easiest place to live is on the line between the lanes. I only get clipped by mirrors occasionally. It’ll take months of misery#To try to move again. So here I live.#In between.#I failed at keeping this short. I feel worse than when I started#Why do I bother writing out my emotions at all. It seems like distraction and then bed is always the best option.#Have a good (time of day)
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Please let 2024 be the year the durarara fandom stops making “jokes” about Izaya being in a wheelchair 😍😍😍
#literally the same jokes as 2016/2017 durarara fandom#like yes. he did this to himself and yes. he purposely makes it worse by refusing treatment#he’s still disabled ? i just don’t get it…#idk it just rubs me the wrong way cause why are you so quick to be like ’lol guys he’s in a wheelchair’#like why is that funny. please answer quickly#‘but light he’s a fictional character’ I don’t give a fuck girl what about the disabled fans who see that 🤣🤣🤣#u wanna make fun of the circumstances that led to him in a wheelchair cause he’s a coward? sure!#u wanna make fun of him specifically cause hes IN said wheelchair? hm. no!#watever maybe IM the snowflake 🙄🙄🙄#it just feels like Izaya being disabled is a trivial thing#AND ANOTHER THING#can u ppl stop fucking saying shit like ‘omg I hope izaya gets out of his wheelchair :((((‘ girl fuck you#cause if you were saying it in good faith as in u want him to stop being so stubborn and self harming that’s one thing#but I know damn well it’s not and you just can’t stand that he’s disabled#ok Rant over I need to go study for biology lab test 🤓#I think I said that last part already but I just felt like saying it again idk 🤷♂️
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#i can’t sleep and i don’t think i’ll try again at grad school#i just fucning deleted my whole rant#but i’ll try next year but after that i won’t bother#there’s not good enough reason for me to keep wasting money trying every year and failing#it’s pointless and i’m just wasting money#like if i don’t get in next year that’s it#that’s the clear sign from the universe i suck and it’s not meant to be and i need to move on#like i read an article that said ‘unless your writing is incredibly poor who you’ll end up somewhere#and i am only applying to few schools which is limiting my options#but it’s a prettt goood indicator that im not good at this and im not meant to do it#i need to stop wasting time and money#every letter i get that’s like ‘we turn down good writers constantly’ is just a lie they’re saying#i have not now not will i ever be good enough to get in#i have to accept that#anyway going to email my psych that the trazidone did nothing and actually made my sleep worse#kelly babels#kelly goes to school
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I’m gonna be real some of you guys gotta stop defining your experience online by what you hate and start defining it by what makes you happy
#this isn’t about anything in particular#but some ppl just NEED to talk about how much they hate everything that bothers them all the time and while I understand#the catharsis that identifying why you dislike something and saying it brings#but people forget after you do that step you gotta work on stepping back and ignoring what you can’t change#if the thing you hate changes or gets ‘worse’ yeah sure do the cycle again#but you GOTTA step back after letting how you feel out or you’ll be stuck w that intense hatred forever and that is just like#not good for you#hating smth is a lot like loving it bc once you start it’s hard to stop but sometimes that emotional intensity is a bad thing#valii rambles
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Banishing the thought that everyone is secretly disgusted by me physically and curing my touch starvation may require me directly asking my friends to hug me and hold my hand and I am NOT happy about it
#I feel like I can only ask for it when either they or I have had something bad happen#when direct comforting is needed or warranted#but lord I need tenderness All the time#taking better car of my skin and washing myself and my clothes a little more often may also help#I’m Not terrible about it by any means and I’ve never been told I stink but I get really paranoid that I’m particularly dirty#or that my personality weirdness somehow translates into physical grossness?!?! IDK what it is#I’m trying to figure out what the root of feeling like I’m repulsive is#Ilya definitely made it worse I hate him#and he WOULD touch me he was like my only source of it for an entire semester#but even when he initiated it seemed halfhearted and he was so judgmental and would say weird shit about my looks#I hate him so so much we never even dated and it’s been months since we talked but istg I feel so broken sometimes and he did NOT help#Zionist POS#I really hate that I still fixate on it so much so long after it ended#I want it to stop and I’ve moved on from WANTING him but I can’t move on from hating his fucking guts and how I let him treat me
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naturally i’m gonna be very upset at 6:09 am after an all-nighter over my brother and his actions
#personal#not the middle one we’re okay rn and talking again and he helped me get with my new job#even tho we haven’t spoken about the door and im not supposed to know he paid for it#so good but watch out#the eldest one i’m like hey i was gonna forgive ghosting me or flaking on plans you made with me for our dad#or not communicating that you already got everything done with said dad and all i really knew was my dad asking asking asking for his#eldest son and struggling for an answer for him#and even like not checking on me at all after i got kicked out and bringing a girl back and asking me to pretend to be asleep#god i regret not sleeping in a rest stop like planned that was so much worse#and also you and other brother just ignoring me begging for help telling you i got back into my ed and honestly going through the worst#time of my life also weed dependent to just cope and also my job sucked. minor but still#but again was ready to let it go bc you were so obviously in pain at the funeral i couldn’t be mad at that#but like why. after i offered to clean up after ur dogs did you um. ask me to do it again#then cussed me out after i asked that you don’t ask on the dot of when my shifts end#and then after mom told me i was selfish while struggling with a full time job and taking care of my dying father and struggling with that#and i was just asking what ur living situation was bc i felt like. hm. being told i’m awful for struggling during my dads death is a lot#instead of just saying no you go on a rant about how when we finally want to move in with you you’re doing something else and general#shit giving. instead of again. just saying no. or hell. checking on me.#so it’s like i’ll love you until every star gives out i can’t fucking look at you bc i’m so hurt#we haven’t talked since then and im not gonna hear from him till he asks what i want from christmas or he needs something#christ last time he checked on me was a segway to helping me going about the hoarder house as he loves calling it#i can’t believe i sent him photos of our dads writing saying i love you and his only question was is it still hoarder central#i was gonna type something mean i’m gonna lay down#i don’t want any gifts why would i want a gift. told him that i was hurt and didn’t want a gift my birthday and he responded and it’s gonna#and he’s didn’t respond*#be the same game during christmas#you brought a girl over on such an awful fucking night for me why would i want a gift#and it’s not like he hasn’t been there and doesn’t love me it’s just i’m hurt#and it’s not like he had all this space and my other brother and i never used it! i got kicked out and stayed a night!#other brother moved in with you! sorry circumstances led to me staying longer! just say no!
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There is something so dystopian about having to apply for financial aid because you can’t afford to pay your hospital bill 🙃
#text#personal#medical#tw medical#i don’t even know how much the bill is. I’ve received so many things in the mail stating what I owe#the last thing i got from the hospital stated that I owed $26000 lol#(my insurance is shitty and doesn’t cover ER visits). so insurance won’t do anything#and in the financial aid application i received there’s a sentence that says ‘we know that medical debt can cause financial hardships’#please 😭 they KNOW that medical debt can fuck up people’s lives#how is the US the ‘best country in the world’ and yet serve out bills like that to ppl who can’t pay for it#like I should’ve just stayed dizzy af. I mean I’m kind of back to square one anyway with the dizziness and disorientation#the doctors in the south literally fucking suck like they do not give a rats ass about their patients#(at least the ones I’ve been to). but im so fucking frustrated#I guess I can forget about trying to find a therapist/psychiatrist and seeing if there’s something Wrong with me (aka anxiety)#i’ll just suffer ig until I get a job. which will only make my suffering worse. I just know it lol#bc the last time I had a job it literally sent me into a spiral and it made my anxiety 1000% worse#anyways my personal posts always turn into rants/vents/me being negative so. I need to stop lmao
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Me when I’m looking for fanfic of my favorite character and the tags say “suicide attempt”: ohhohohohohhhoh that’s the good shit
#stole this from a tiktok#but they probably stole it from somewhere else#I can’t stop thinking about stanford pines#I mean he’s just the latest in the long line of suicidal blorbos#and it’s a resurgence so it’s bound to be worse this time#they both get pissy during the portal fight#and stan says something like ‘if you’re too pussy to say it I will: I never wanna see you again’#obviously followed by ‘well good—I planned on it’#and stan replies ‘hope you’ve sent out a postcard to mom and dad in advance bc I sure as hell won’t be at the funeral to help them mourn’#*makes myself sad on purpose*#god I hate these guys#I need to be them
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my car has a coolant leak and it was literally smoking and hissing by the time i got home #justgirlythings
#once again i am begging for things to stop happening#i would say this month can’t get worse but it definitely can#thank god i left work early and it isn’t 500 degrees today#i need to get drunk and sleep for 16 hours
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