#my back hurts pretty bad. i can tune it out a little but not ignore it. i think this is making the rest of my spine really tense? and

[writhe]

my whole body hurts SO BAD

[boothillssugarmomma]

An Oni's Careful Watch

(Itto x Fem! reader)

cw: Mentions of injury, mentions of gangs, Protective!Itto, Boyfriend!Itto

🎀 authorsnote: Hi guys! I'm back! My nails are still on but I'm working with it! I have many many fics coming up of both Genshin AND Honkai Star Rail so stay tuned it wanted!

please don't steal my work!

Taglist🎀Genshin Master List🎀Other Lists

A week ago you had a run in with a local Inazuma gang who didn't take kindly to Itto's. While you can always protect yourself, Itto doesn't think so.

You had taken your vision off that day, leaving it at home so it didn't call too much attention while you went out running errands for the day.

Which was a pretty big mistake seeing as it landed you with a black eye and a broken wrist.

Itto was FURIOUS about this when you showed up to the gang's usual meeting place. He even stopped his Onikabuto match after you told him what happened!

So now your boyfriend won't stop trailing you around and keeping an eye on you. Sure it was sweet at first...but now he's overbearing and over cautious about every little thing!

"Oh woah woah woah! Anddd what do you think you're doing?" Itto huffs, pulling you back into his arms, making sure you don't go within two feet of him. You two were running your weekly errands as normal, but this was exhausting with his constant nagging.

"Just because I got jumped by another gang doesn't mean that I can't protect myself!" You sigh, looking up at the Oni. His eyes meet yours and you can tell he isn't going to budge.

He was quick to scoff at your little attitude, his chest puffing out a bit.

"Handle yourself, huh?" He laughed down at you. Finding it humorous you were speaking like you know what you're doing, and that just riled him up. He pulled you to his body, so you were practically flush against him, making you stumble over your feet a bit.

"You really think you can take care of yourself? Like you haven't gotten yourself into trouble already, multiple times might I add..."

The air gets kind of crisp as he sees your eyes glare into his. He shivers a bit, and Itto just knows he started something.

"Woah! Woah! Let's get this straight it was two times!" You hiss softly. "And one was your fault!"

Itto's mouth fell open in shock. How dare you say he was the one at fault! He'd been protecting you, that was all. It was your own fault for getting into the mess anyway!

"Bullshit!" He argued back. His fingers dug into your waist, his hand squeezing your hips almost possessively. You weren't about to get away with putting the blame on him.

"I was trying to keep you safe, that's all! I wasn't the one who was talking back to gang members!"

Pausing in the street to raise an eyebrow at him, your eyes narrow even more if that's even possible. "And care to remember why was I talking back to them?" You fold your arms.

"Because you're too troublesome and can't keep your mouth shut!" Itto retorted, refusing to back down in the midst of the argument. A part of him wanted to roll his eyes at the ridiculousness of it all.

"When those guys were talking to you, you should've just walked away! But NOOO, you had to say something to them, and the next thing I knew, they were holding you at knifepoint!"

You let out a breathy laugh and roll your eyes. "Oh really? So I wasn't arguing with them because they hurt your feelings!?" You poke his chest with your finger.

The audacity you had. Itto felt himself grow a little irritated. You were completely ignoring the fact he was just trying to defend you! He wasn't hurt, his feelings hadn't been messed with. His feelings of annoyance on the other hand, sure...

"What the hell are you talking about? They didn't hurt my feelings. It was you they hurt!" Itto protested, his grip on your hip tightening in frustration.

You let out a small huff and pull away from him. "Sue me if I don't appreciate people talking bad about my boyfriend!"

Itto suddenly had a change of expression, eyes slightly going wide before an annoyingly smug expression appeared.

"You...You got mad cause they were talking about me?" The oni repeated to clarify. A smirk tugged at his lips as he pulled you a little closer to his body.

You don't even want to answer him, especially with his ego sky rocketing, but you know you have to. "Yes!" You whisper, looking away to avoid his stupid grin.

Itto chuckled, his chest rumbling as he let out a soft hum. Feeling your back against his front was a pleasure in itself, but seeing you look away from him in embarrassment was even better.

"Aww...Were you defending my honor, princess?" He taunted, a devious smile slowly creeping onto his face.

With that you immediately scoff and pull away, walking along to continue the errands.

Ah, that reaction was exactly what Itto was expecting. He chuckled to himself and followed after you. It didn't take him long to catch up and fall into step with you, and he quickly placed his hand on your back.

"Hey, hey, hey! Where are you going?" He asked, giving a small pout as he looked down at you. "Don't be like that, babe.. I was just teasing you."

You ignore him, sticking your nose up in the air. "And that's what you get!" You huff walking along and glazing over merchant stalls for your errands.

"Don't be so pouty!" Itto sighed dramatically, his hand moving to grab your forearm, slowing down your walking.

He gently pulled you to his side, his arm wrapping around your waist as he smiled sheepishly. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry!" He began, clearly not sorry at all.

"Come on... Don't give me the silent treatment, you know it's annoying," Itto whined.

"You gonna stop teasing me?" You fold your arms with a gentle hum.

Itto seemed to hesitate, thinking to himself as he weighed up the options. He definitely wasn't going to stop teasing you, but he also didn't want you to be mad at him for too long.

"Maybe?" He answered. A cocky grin appeared as he gave you a mischievous look, his eyes flickering over your pouty expression.

"If you promise not to get mad at me. Or yell at me. Or walk away like just now." He added.

You sigh loudly, shaking your head before glancing up into his eyes.

Itto's expression softened for a moment, and he took a moment to admire your face. Your eyes, your pouty lips, the redness of your cheeks, he took in every feature. You were adorable when you were upset, but he'd rather have you smiling.

"Oh, come on, babe..." He protested, his hands moving to grab your waist. He gently pulled you close to his body, his arms slowly enclosing around you.

"Please don't pout at me like that. You know I'm gonna give in.."

You flutter your eyelashes up at him with a sly smirk. "So it's working?"

Itto made an exaggerated groan, his head tilting back in frustration.

"Yes, you little- URG, it's working." He chuckled and rolled his eyes.

"You're playing with my emotions right now, you know that right?" He pointed out, his eyes flickering down to meet yours again. His grasp on your waist gently tightens, you keeping you flush against his body.

"And you most certainly never play with mine huh?" You roll your eyes playfully before laughing.

A smug smirk tugged at the corners of Itto's lips.

"Oh, you're going there, huh?" He chuckled, his eyes roaming over your expression.

"You love it when I play with your emotions. I give you a little attention and spoil you and you melt for me." He teased, squeezing your waist playfully.

"Dangerous game Oni...dangerous game..." You tease, taking his hands off your waist and continuing errands, picking out groceries and paying for them.

Itto chuckled as he followed you over to pay for the groceries. He watched with amusement as you picked out what you needed, staying right by your side.

"It's not dangerous if I know I'm going to win!" He confidently said, a smirk appearing on his face.

Leaning against the merchants counter, he watched you handle the payment. He looked you up and down shamelessly, admiring you.

--

After all your errands you begin walking home, chatting like and laughing like normal.

As usual, Itto was a constant presence by your side, walking alongside you as you continued on your walk back home.

The sun was setting, and the sky slowly darkened. The soft orange hue of the sky quickly faded to night as the streetlamps and street vendors' lights came to life.

"Man, that took forever. But I don't regret tagging along..." Itto commented, his eyes flickering to your face as he smiled.

"You better not since it was your idea to tag come with." You point out.

Itto let out a scoff and rolled his eyes, a small pout appeared on his face.

"Hey, hey, I was just trying to be a supportive boyfriend, okay!" He protested, raising his hands up in defense.

"And you were all like, 'yeah, I'm going shopping!' so I was just like 'I'll tag along to keep you safe!'." He added, mimicking your voice.

"And you're a great boyfriend for doing that." You smile before rolling your eyes.

"Damn right I am!" Itto smirked, satisfied to hear you say those words out loud.

He chuckled in response to your eye rolling, and gently nudged your shoulder. He looked over at you as he spoke.

"Although I don't trust those vendors. They were looking at you a bit too much."

"Itto..." You sigh. "Cmon babe..."

"What? They were!!" Itto protested. He wasn't making stuff up, those vendors were absolutely checking you out. Who could blame them though, you were gorgeous.

"I didn't like it. They need to keep their eyes to themselves." He added, his tone now a bit huffy.

"Just stick to being my guard...little Oni..." You kiss his cheek softly.

Itto huffed in response to the kiss, but a small smile tugged at his lips. He loved it when you called him names like that, even though he'd never admit it.

"I am being a guard..." He protested. "A guard who is also your boyfriend. I can multitask, you know?"

He stuck his tongue out playfully before he wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you closer to his body.

As you keep walking you both overhear the gang from last week snicker at you two. Mostly directed at Itto.

"Archons above it's so embarrassing for adults to act like that..." You grimace a bit with second hand embarrassment.

Itto's expression immediately darkened as he heard the sound of the gang laughing. It just HAD to be the same group you had a scuffle with last week.

His grip on your waist tightened, and he pulled you against his body even more. He gave you a warning glance before he looked over at the gang members. He met their gazes with a scowling glare.

"Itto..." You hum softly, tugging on his choker a bit as a warning.

Itto's attention snapped back to you once you called out his name, his expression softening a bit.

"Yeah, babe?" He replied, trying to hide the tension and the protective anger he was feeling.

"Don't do it." You whisper with gritted teeth.

Itto let out a huff, his shoulders tensing. He understood your warning, but he also wasn't the type to back down from a fight.

He let out a long exhale, closing his eyes in an attempt to calm himself down.

"Relax, I wasn't going to do anything..." He grumbled, even though it was a lie.

"Woww...the only and 'Oni' Arataki Itto being held on a leash?" One of the gang members snickers, mocking him.

"And what a pretty thing tugging on it..." Another member glances at you.

Itto's grip on you tightened as he heard the gang member's words. The mere suggestion of him being on a leash infuriated him. The audacity of these people.

And when he heard them say ONE thing about you...his blood ran hot.

"You wanna say that again, punk?" Itto retorted, his voice a low growl as he spoke through clenched teeth.

"Itto!" You hiss warningly as you try to get him to keep walking, tugging on his hand. "They're seriously not worth it..."

Itto was just about ready to pounce and pummel those gang members into the ground. He wanted revenge for the stunt they pulled last week.

But then he heard your voice. It snapped him back into reality and he reminded himself what was important right now.

You

With a huff and a clenched jaw, he forced himself to turn away, but only barely. He kept walking alongside you, but his glare was still fixated on the gang members.

"See cmon honey..." You take his hand and kiss it gently. "They're not worth it..." You quietly remind him.

Itto's eyes softened as soon as you grabbed his hand and kissed it. Your touch seemed to pacify him, at least for the moment.

He let out a sigh and nodded reluctantly, knowing deep down that you're right and they were not worth his time.

"Yeah, I know..." He mumbled, his eyes still flickering back to the gang, watching them cautiously. "But I just can't stand people who mess with you."

"Hey it's alright I get it love..." You smile a small smile.

Itto let out a breath, his anger slowly fading. With your hand in his and gentle words, he found himself calming down.

He glanced down at your face, meeting your smile. It made his heart flutter a bit. How could he stay angry when you were being this sweet to him?

"You're too damn good at calming me down, you know that?" He said with a chuckle, his eyes softening even more.

"It's a good thing~" You giggle. Before you two even get to keep walking a grainy annoying voice calls out.

"Hey Itto when you're done with it pass it over here!" A gang member calls out and they all laugh, slapping each other's arms and keeling over laughing.

Itto's eye twitched as he heard the gang member's comment. Did they just... did they just refer to you as an object?! His grip on your hand tightened in irritation, and he felt his blood boil once again.

"Watch your language, punk!" Itto hollered back, his voice raised. "She's not some thing to pass around!"

"Itto calm down sweetheart!" You try to hold him back but he's already gone...

Itto was already seeing red, his protective instincts took over, and he couldn't hold back any longer.

He let go of your hand and started walking toward the gang, his strides determined and his expression fierce.

"You bunch of idiots have a death wish, don't you?!" He growled as he got closer to them.

"Whatcha gonna do Oni?" One sneers at him. Trying to square him up.

Itto clenched his fists at the gang member's taunting words. He has had enough of their attitude.

He came to a stop right in front of them, standing tall and letting out an angry huff.

"I'm gonna teach you a lesson you won't forget, that's what I'm gonna do..." He responded, his voice low and threatening.

--

Walking home came later than expected as you had to break up the fight, the gang members had slunk off with their injuries and Itto had a few bruises and cuts.

Itto grumbled to himself as you two finally arrived at home. He was still feeling angry and frustrated, and his body ached from the injuries he had sustained from the fight.

As soon as you stepped through the door, he let out a sigh and flopped down onto the couch, wincing a bit as the pain shot through his body. He looked haggard, his clothes disheveled, and his face sporting a few cuts and a black eye.

"Alright...that's it shhh..." You sit next to him and mess with his hair, carefully massaging his scalp a bit.

The Oni reluctantly sat quietly, a pout on his face as you began to pet his hair, gently running your fingers through his messy locks.

He leaned into your touch, his frown softening a bit as he let out a sigh. Despite the fact that he was still simmering with anger, your gentle touch and soothing voice were helping to calm him down.

"I'm fine, y'know..." He mumbled, his eyes closing half-way as he spoke.

"Oh I know..." You lie. "This is...uh...for me!"

Itto opened one eye, peering up at you for a moment before letting out a huff and a small scoff.

"Bullshit... I know you're just doing this for me..." He grumbled, though there was a hint of a smile on his face.

He closed his eye again and leaned his head back against the couch, enjoying the feeling of your fingers running through his hair. Although, he wouldn't admit it out loud, he secretly loved these moments where you pampered him like this.

"Alright...maybe it's a little bit for you..." You slide your hands out of his hair and down to his shoulders.

Itto let out a hum as your hands moved down to his shoulders, a pleased smile on his face. He was still trying to act tough, though, even though he was secretly enjoying the way you were taking care of him.

"You know I can handle myself," he said with a huff. "You don't need to baby me, babe."

"You sure you don't want me to?" You whisper in his ear, leaning your head to rest on his shoulder.

Itto's breath caught in his throat as you whispered in his ear. He tried to hold back a shiver, but he couldn't help the reaction. Your teasing, coupled with the proximity of your body against his, made his heart race a bit.

He looked down at you, his expression softening as he spoke. "I mean... it does feel nice when you pamper me like this..." He admitted, his voice a little rough.

"There's my Itto..." You laugh breathily. Letting out a sigh of relief at his change in attitude.

Itto let out a scoff, but his smile grew wider as you laughed. He couldn't help but feel a bit flustered by how easily you could get him to open up and show his soft side.

"Hey, I'm still the tough guy, okay?" He protested, though his tone was playful. "I can kick ass and still like getting some affection, thank you very much!"

"Alright tough guy...I believe ya..." You tilt his chin to face you, leaning up to kiss his lips.

The moment your lips met, Itto practically melted against you. Your touch and kiss was like a soothing balm to his bruised and battered ego.

He returned the kiss eagerly, his hand coming up to cup your cheek and pull you closer. It felt like all the tension and anger he had been feeling slowly subsided as he focused on the feeling of your lips against his.

"Damn..." He murmured in between kisses. "You really know how to make me swoon princess, ya know that?"

You pull away to look up at him. "You think?" You whisper.

Itto chuckled in response to your whisper, his breath tickling your skin. He pulled you even closer, his arms wrapping around your waist and holding you tight against him.

"Hell, yeah, I think!" He replied, a sultry tone in his voice. "You've got this magic spell over me or somethin'. I'm usually all tough and confident, but one look from you, and I'm like a damn puddle."

You tease him affectionately at that. "Then I guess the one and 'oni' Arataki Itto...can be taken down..."

Itto grunted in mock offense, his eyebrows raising at your teasing remark. He couldn't deny that you had a point, though. You were the only person who could bring out his softer side and make him feel vulnerable.

"Hey, I'm still a strong guy, okay?" He protested, a hint of a pout on his face. "I'm just...selective about who I show my emotions!"

"I love you..." You sigh "But what am I going to do with you..."

Itto's expression softened once you said those three words. No matter how many times he heard you say them, they never failed to make his heart flutter.

He let out huff in response to your question, a smirk appearing on his face. "You're gonna love me and pamper me, of course!" He replied, jokingly teasing you back.

"Hmmm true!"

Your boyfriend chuckled in response to your giggle. The sound was like music to his ears.

He hugged you even closer, his arms encircling you in a tight embrace. He nuzzled his face into the crook of your neck, his lips brushing against your skin.

"Damn right, you are..." He murmured, his voice low and warm. "I expect pampering after this whole gang incident, y'know. I took quite a beating for you."

"For me?" You scoff and slap his arm gently.

Itto playfully rolled his eyes at your scoff.

"Uh, yeah? Did you see how they were talking about you? Like they owned you or something!" He huffed, a hint of irritation in his voice just recalling the memory.

"I had to teach them a lesson. No one speaks about my babe like that." He looked down at you with a smirk, his eyes flickering over your features.

"No one..." You kiss his forehead.

Itto's smirk softened into a warm smile as he felt your lips press against his forehead. He let out a soft sigh and leaned his head against your touch.

Exactly!" He agreed, his voice quieter now. "You're mine, and I'll protect you from anyone who tries to mess with you."

Itto looked at you with a mix of affection and determination in his eyes.

"Because you're everything to me..." He said simply. "Because I love you more than anything, and I'll do whatever it takes to protect you and make you happy."

He placed a hand on your cheek, his thumb gently brushing against your skin. "You're the most important thing in my life, babe."

"Even over Onikabuto?" You hum

His smile widened at your playful remark.

"Hey, don't even get me started. Onikabuto are a close second, alright?" He replied, feigning offense.

He knew that you were just teasing him, but he couldn't help but play along. He leaned in a bit closer, his expression turning serious for a moment.

"But seriously, nothing compares to you. You're irreplaceable."

"Even over your gang?" You tease him

Itto chuckled at your question, his eyes glistening with amusement. He knew you were just trying to rile him up.

"Well, now you're just being cruel!" He joked, feigning hurt. "But yeah, even the gang. They're cool and all, but they don't even hold a candle to you."

He reached out and gently pinched your nose, a playful glint in his eyes. "You're definitely the top priority, babe."

"You're so sweet..." Your eyes soften as you lean up to kiss his cheek.

Itto's cheeks turned slightly pink at your compliment, and he let out a soft huff as you kissed his cheek. He was never one to admit it, but he secretly liked it when you praised him like this.

"Ah, shut up..." He muttered, a small smile on his face. "I just have a soft spot for you, that's all."

You gaze over his face and trace a finger over his cuts. "Alright now...let's get these cleaned up..."

Itto's expression turned a bit sheepish as he saw your gaze focused on the cuts and bruises on his face. He tried to act tough, but deep down he knew he must look pretty battered right now.

"Yeah, yeah, okay..." He mumbled, a hint of embarrassment in his voice.

He let you gently touch his face, flinching slightly as your fingers grazed his wounds. "Just be gentle, alright?"

"Always..." You promise.

🎀End🎀

[dudadragneel]

Hey guys it's me!

How are you?

I'm back with another original of mine!

I hope you'll enjoy!

And stay tuned! There's a really long fic coming up soon 👀

Spending the night in the bathroom because he got food poisoning

KEEPING HIM COMPANY

Goddamn these hectic schedules and how they affected the members' health.

They were on vacation, finally, and Chan, like always, would spend time with you and then would take you to Australia to stay with his family.

So far the perfect planning for a much-awaited vacation. But things went wrong on day one.

You decided to spend part of the day out and eat lunch at a newly-opened restaurant.

Good decision?

It would later be proved to not have been.

The food tasted delicious and it was quite the generous serving and you both knew the boys would love it if they were there.

You two talked about what you'd like to do while he was in vacation, like dates, romantic nights, trips etc.

Everything was going well, until it wasn't.

By the time you got back to your apartment, Chan was feeling under the weather, which was weird because he was feeling perfectly fine a few hours before.

He had cold sweats and his stomach was churning and gurgling loudly. It was burning and it felt heavy. Yes, he did eat a lot, but it was a different kind of heavy, he felt bloated. Not only felt, it was quite visible.

You were lying down on the bed, watching some series and you noticed Chan was restless, he kept moving and even hissing from time to time.

- Love? Are you okay?

- Yeah...it's just my stomach...it feels weird.

- Weird how?

- I don't know, maybe indigestion? It's kind of burning.

- Well, you ate a lot so it could be. I can make you some tea or do you want some medicine?

- I'm not sure medication is a good idea right now. I'll take the tea.

- Okay.

You left the bedroom to get him some tea to help with the burning sensation in his stomach and hopefully help it digest the food.

When you got back, Chan was curled up, looking like a baby kangaroo.

- Hey~ here's the tea. I didn't add any sugar so it might be a little bitter.

- Thanks... ugh- yeah, that's definitely bitter.

He added, making a disgusted face, earning a laugh from you and then smiling at you fondly.

The tea helped a little, at least in the beginning.

But what was going on inside his body was worse than just indigestion and he'd find that out pretty soon.

⏳

Despite being on vacation you still had one more thing to work on before you were 100% free, so you took you computer to bed and lay down next to Chan with him curling up one more time. Something was making him feel uncomfortable and you knew it wasn't just a simple case of indigestion.

As he was leaning on your shoulder, you started to rub his arm and then stroke his curly hair while he tried his best to focus on you working and ignore the increasing discomfort in his stomach.

He loved to see you so passionate abou your work, just like you did with him, with the countless times you stayed with him in his studio.

But no matter how much he tried, his stomach was in absolute shambles and burning. The awful sensation was growing stronger by the minute and he gave up on trying to deal with it on his own.

- Babe...

- Hmm? What is it?

- Can you rub my stomach? It's hurting really bad...

- Of course, honey. But don't you wanna go to the bathroom?

- No, at least not now.

- Okay, then. Come here.

You put you computer to the side and put another series on TV again while he lay down on your lap.

You started to rub his stomach up and down, and you could feel it rumbling under your touch, as well as how bloated it was.

Chan's expression would turn into one of pain and discomfort every now and then, but he was enjoying the feeling of your hand.

He had one of his hands buried under your thighs because that brought some sort of comfort for him.

But as you kept rubbing his stomach, it let out a loud gurgling noise and Chan unconsciously gripped your thighs and clenched his other hand.

Something was starting to move up inside of him and he could already feel the foul taste in his mouth.

- Honey, can you stop for a while? I'm gonna throw up-

He said covering his mouth to suppress a gag, quickly getting up from the bed and dashing to the bathroom with you following close behind.

He almost didn't make it to the toilet before vomit escaped through his fingers, the lunch he had coming back in disgusting undigested chunks.

- Oh god.

You stood next to him and started rubbing his back which was heaving under your hand, and for some reason felt a little hot.

He kept on retching until more vomit came out, a little thicker this time hurting his throat on the process.

- Oh baby. You're doing good.

You reassured patting his back and kissing the top of his head.

- It feels horrible....

- Do you think it was the food?

- Maybe...we had different dishes-

The sheer mention of food triggered his stomach again, sending more content up.

- There we go, just let it out.

After a few minutes he was left dry heaving and coughing.

- Do you feel any better?

- Not much. It still feels heavy.

- And the nausea?

- It's still here but less annoying.

- That's good enough. Why don't you take a shower? Maybe you'll feel a little better.

- Okay.

- I'll bring you some clothes.

- Thank you.

The shower although good, didn't really help with his situation. The cramps continued, the nausea kept coming and going, exactly like waves. He actually had to bend over the drain a few times but nothing really came up.

He thought that after throwing up he'd feel better but he kept on gagging, so he knew by now this could pretty much be a case of food poisoning.

And he'd soon find out he was right, unfortunately.

Finishing his bath, he was feeling more tired than before and hot, even if he'd just taken a cold shower.

You had gotten the bed ready while he was showering and was waiting for him to join you.

- Did the shower help?

- Not that much... I kept gagging all the time.

- Did you throw up again?

- No, but I'm still nauseous.

- Wanna try some medicine now?

- Yeah.

You gave him a gel capsule of an antiemetic and he gagged when it went down but thankfully it didn't come back up.

He cuddled on you, blanket covering his slightly shivering body and you proceeded to stroke his hair again, playing with it's curls and tracing patterns on his face, noticing it felt a bit hot to the touch.

- Honey, you're a little hot.

- Yeah, I noticed that when I walked out of the shower and I do feel a bit cold, actually.

- Lemme check it. 37.5°C. That's a low grade fever but I don't think it's anything to worry about now. But if it gets higher then you probably got food poisoning.

- I hope not.

- Want something to eat? Soup? Anything?

- I don't know if I can keep anything down but I'm also a bit hungry...

- I'll make something really quick. You don't need to eat everything just a bit okay?

- Okay.

You prepared him some light snacks, which he managed to eat a good amount and it did sit well with his stomach. And then he lay down on your chest again.

You went back to stroking his hair while he gently caressed your thigh and within a few minutes you were both fast asleep.

But the peace didn't last long.

⏳

About 1h30 into the night, Chan broke in cold sweats, his stomach was gurgling again and doing flips, he could feel the contents sloshing around. He tried to change his position but it didn't work.

The nausea he was feeling earlier had gotten really worse and his mouth started salivating. He was shivering which indicated the fever probably got higher.

Something started to creep up his chest and it felt like a burp but when he tried to let it out, he was betrayed by his body as it brought up a little amount of acid liquid. He knew he was gonna throw up sooner rather than later and he didn't want to bother you, so he quietly got out of the bed, suppressing a gag triggered by the sudden movement and locked himself in the bathroom.

⏳

He bent over the toilet but still tried his best to hold it because he knew that the sound would wake you up, and that's the last thing he wanted to do.

Leaving his mouth open, he started off only gagging unproductively and making as little noise as possible.

His body kept rocking back and forth and he was swallowing hard everytime, still trying to prevent himself from throwing up.

But his body really needed to get that out and it didn't matter what he wanted.

His stomach contracted making him gag one more time but he insisted on not vomiting and swallowed it back, but that proved to be a wrong move.

He ended up choking and that triggered a coughing fit which brought out his dinner, splattering in the toilet.

At the moment, he heard you calling out his name.

Shit!

He thought to himself, he knew you were tired and really didn't want to bother you in the middle of the night.

- Babe?

You called sitting up on the bed, taking a few seconds to properly wake up and then you heard a retch and the sound of liquid hitting liquid.

- babe? Are you okay?

You asked with a worried voice getting up from the bed and heading to the bathroom.

When you opened the door, Chan was throwing up one more time and you rushed to his side, sitting on the bathtub and started rubbing his back.

- Oh honey...why didn't you call me?

- I didn't want to wake you up.

- Please don't worry about me...

You said, voice sounding concerned with a tiny tone of annoyance.

He coughed up another thick bout that came out of his nose making him choke and gag productively again.

- Oh my dear. That's it, just let it out. You're doing good.

When the next wave came out he ended up swaying forward and you quickly reached out to hold his forehead and noticed it was burning, compared to before.

- Babe, you're running a fever. This is looking like food poisoning.

You said with a worried and sad expression on your face, knowing how the next few hours and days would go by.

- Lemme check it.

You placed the thermometer under his armpit and helped him hold it there.

The numbers were almost alarmingly high, 38.9°C.

- Babe, what else are you feeling?

Chan rested his head on his arm, not really trusting himself to get his face away from the toilet.

- Dizzy, cold, sweating and nauseous.

- From the looks of it, it's definitely food poisoning...

- That's just great...

He said with a sarcastic tone and burying his face in his arm.

- I'll get you some water okay?

He just nodded, gulping down the awful taste in his mouth.

You came back with a bottle of cold water and handed it to him, while sitting back on the edge of the bathtub.

He took a few sips and rested his head on his arm again. You kept rubbing his back and stroking his hair, trying to comfort him.

But his stomach protested against those small sips of water and within a few seconds, it came right back up not giving him time to even change his position.

- Oh honey...

You cooed still rubbing his back again and yawning a bit. But oh boy was that a mistake. He loathed the idea that he cut your sleep short and your yawn just added to that.

- Honey, you can go back to bed, I'll be fine.

- No, Babe, I'm okay, don't worry about me.

- But you're tired, please. I want you to rest.

- Chan, I won't be able to rest knowing that you're sick and puking your guts out.

He chuckled at the last sentence but he was still sad that you were denying good hours of sleep to stay with him.

And again, his stomach was just determined to make him suffer and contracted strongly sending up a thick stream of vomit that soiled the entire inner part of the toilet. Neither the sound nor the sight were exactly pleasant.

After he threw up one more time, you knew for sure it would be a long night and Chan wouldn't be out of the bathroom anytime soon. And you wouldn't leave his side, because although he always wanted to deal with things on his own, deep down inside he subconsciously wanted comfort and he always found that when he was with you.

So you considered all the options and decided to camp out in the bathroom.

- Honey, wait here just a moment.

You went back into the bedroom and got a few blankets and pillows and came back, then organized them on the floor so you could make the spot as comfy as possible.

- What are you doing?

He asked with a raspy voice and a tiny smile.

- Well...you've got food poisoning and I don't think you're leaving this bathroom anytime soon and I won't leave you in here alone so..... we'll "sleep" here.

You answered him with a smile and laughing a little bit, trying to lift the mood.

- I'm sorry for making you do this....but thanks.

Chan said leaning on you and closing his eyes, trying to enjoy the moment of peace his stomach allowed him.

- You're welcome, honey.

⏳

The night was indeed long like you predicted with Chan vomiting more times than you could count and only getting enough sleep. His fever kept oscillating and in-between rounds of vomiting you managed to help him take at least two baths.

When morning rose, both of you were completely exhausted and if any of the boys were to show up at your house, they'd probably be scared because you had a complexion just like Samara's.

But by that time, Chan was feeling a little better or at least well enough to stay in the bedroom with a bucket instead of the cold floor of the bathroom.

You made him breakfast, which he managed to keep down until lunch but then it started again, after all it was food poisoning, just one night of continuous vomiting wouldn't do the trick.

After about 4 days, Chan felt like all the life had been sucked out of him but you made sure he ate every single meal that you made him to regain what he'd lost.

And he made sure you were pampered like you deserved after going through so many sleepless nights with him.

[brandyllyn]

Silk from their soul (21)

The Ghoul / Cooper Howard x f!reader [no use of y/n]

Rated: T Words: 2k Summary: Walking after midnight

Series Masterlist My Masterlist

The three men are Travis, Javier, and Bossman. You knew that wasn’t his actual name but so far no one had called him anything different. He was the one that the Cowboyhad seemed to know. The youngest, Travis, was guarding you and you made a point of being overly solicitous. Giving him wide smiles and thanking him when he helped you tend to business.

The Cowboy hated it.

Every time you batted your eyelashes at the boy, or touched him on the arm, you could see a vein start to throb on the Cowboy’s forehead. It gave you the tiniest bit of satisfaction to see it. 

They were letting him walk free, for the moment, but you caught the glances Javier and Bossman kept throwing him. It had been a split second decision, saving his life. Or maybe you had just been saving yours. Could you both have survived a shootout? Maybe. But you weren’t ready to risk that just yet.

You wait til Travis is next to you and purposefully trip, grabbing for his arm as you fall in slow motion. The boy is there immediately and you let your fingers rub across the inside of his wrist as you part your lips and gasp up at him.

“Oh my, thank you so much.”

The Cowboy snorts. You ignore it.

Travis is staring at you like he’s never seen a woman before. Good, you can work with that.

“I’m so sorry, my feet are really hurting. Is there any way we could stop for a bit? Let me rest?” You twist as you ask the question, turning his hand so the back of it brushes across your breast.

Was that a growl?

“Yeah, yeah we can do that,” Travis tells you with a blank gaze. You should probably feel bad about what you’re doing but it wasn’t your fault the kid had a weak mind. He yells at the other two that you’re taking a break and after some brief bickering between the men you lower yourself next to a rusted out car and primly fold your feet under you.

“If don’t suppose you gentleman brought any food?” you ask, purposefully hiding the slightly hopeful lilt to your voice. 

“Beans,” Javier grunts, pulling a dented can from his pack. “Ain’t nothing fancy.”

“Oh!” You brighten and sit up straighter, purposefully pushing your breasts towards him. “He has my pack with my spices in it - I’m sure I could make us all something lovely.”

“What kind of spices?” Bossman asks skeptically and you hide your grin.

There were two ways to a man’s heart…

They have to cut your wrists free so you can cook and you make a point of laying a thankful hand on Javier’s arm as he does so. He blinks at you a moment before turning away and you hum a tune as you start a small fire and hang a pot over it.

“Never cooked a damn thing for me,” the Cowboy grunts from nearby.

“Maybe I don’t like you as much,” you tell him brightly, winking at Bossman. He seems startled but grins at you in return.

Yeah, someone is definitely growling. You have a pretty good idea who.

You keep them all engaged in idle chatter as you add a variety of things to the beans, including some meat from the Cowboy’s pack. His lips twitch as you do so and you try not to think too hard about what it might be.

What they don’t know won’t hurt them.

When you finish you have a passable recreation of a comfort dish from long before the great war and you offer heaping spoonfuls to the men.

“Strong men like you need a good portion,” you tell Javier, adding an extra scoop.

“I’d hate to see you go hungry,” you tell Bossman, letting your lips part and trying to look concerned.

“Bullshit.”

The word is barely audible and you give the Cowboy a quick glare before turning your attention to Travis. “Is there anything else I can do?”

You were, in short, the perfect hostess. Part and parcel of being the perfect wife. The perfect partner. The perfect everything.

The pheromones you’re giving off in droves probably help too. 

It takes a little concentration to do it, to turn on the charm that makes people’s jaws go slack and eyes cross. You have to focus on being soft, giving, keep your emotions in check. 

The Cowboy is not helping.

“You gonna serve me up a bit of that slop?”

Your smile becomes strained and you blink at him for a moment before replying. “Sure! Got a bowl?”

He holds out a beaten up cup and you give him about half what you’d given everyone else. His forehead moves, raising a non-existent eyebrow, and your lips press together as you dare him to say something.

“Thank you kindly.”

You don’t hit him with the spoon. That would give the game away.

Instead you take your meal and settle down between Bossman and Javier, close enough your knees touch theirs. The Cowboy watches you thoughtfully and you do your best to ignore him.

“I didn’t realize how hard it would be to be out here on my own,” you say after a few minutes pass. “Everything is so dangerous.”

Travis nods at you, eyes wide, while Bossman scoffs. “Takes someone hard as nails to survive out here.”

The Cowboy snorts and you quickly cough to cover it up. “I just thought I’d see the world a little bit, you know? But I think… I mean, I’m really grateful you all found me.”

“We’re here to help,” Javier says with about half as much sarcasm as you might have expected.

“Ain’t we just,” the Cowboy chimes in and you meet his eyes. 

Shut the fuck up, you try to tell him with your mind.

What the fuck are you doing? He seems to beam back.

With an overly dramatic yawn you stretch your arms out, taking a deep inhale and purposefully not noticing how the assembled company stare at your chest. “I suppose we should continue on? I’m so tired…”

The men exchange a glance while the Cowboy continues to give you an incredulous look. Bossman is who speaks up.

“Reckon we can spend the night here as good as any, sun’s about to set soon anyway.”

“Oh really?” You reach over and put a hand on his knee, concentrating all your energy on him. “That would be lovely.”

He looks a bit starstruck and you pull your pack close to you, futzing with it a moment before laying down and using it as a pillow. You keep up your internal monologue - soft, gentle, caring - while you fake falling asleep.

After a few moments you hear the Cowboy cough, and then the sound of his inhaler.

“You got enough of that shit, ghoul?”

“I won’t be eating any of you fellas in the night if that’s what you’re asking.”

A silence and then, “Well, I’d feel safer if you were tied up.”

“I bet you would.”

There’s a slight scuffle of feet, not a fight, just two people trying to move quickly, and you peek out to see two of them tying the Cowboy to an old phone pole.

“Ain’t nothing personal,” Bossman tells him and the Cowboy shrugs.

“I’ll try not to take it that way.”

You pretend to sleep on, not a single restraint on you.

It takes four hours before you’re ready to implement phase two of your plan. It’s well past dark and the snores next to you are loud enough to wake the dead. If you’re right, Travis is on watch.

He doesn’t have a chance.

You stretch with your back to him, rubbing at your eyes and feigning sleepiness. When you spot him you give a ‘surprised’ smile and move his direction with your pack. Setting it nearby you use it as a rest as you sit down.

“Got the short straw, huh?”

Travis nods, eyes focused on the fire and not the mile of thigh you may or may not be showing him. He seems like a good kid - awful line of work but a good kid. From the corner of your eye you note the Cowboy is watching you both, although he’s mercifully silent.

“Your back must be killing you,” you tell him softly. When he doesn’t reply you reach over and gently massage the back of his neck. “Oh wow, you’re so tense.”

“Gotta stay awake,” he finally mumbles and you tsk softly, moving behind him.

“Let me help with this, I’ll feel safer knowing you’re not in any pain.”

It doesn’t take a moment to find the artery you’re looking for, and Travis is in such a daze he doesn’t notice you’ve cut off the blood flow to his brain until it’s too late to fight back. You lay him down with careful hands, being sure not to let anything make noise as you do. You finish him with a shot of tranq.

“Nice work.”

Your eyes fly to the Cowboy and he’s giving you an approving smile. A quick check shows that the other two are still sleeping and you stand with your bag, debating what you might want to take.

“Take the kid’s gun,” he says quietly, “you’ll need it.”

Dammit he’s right.

You take the rifle and what ammunition you can find and turn to go before you hesitate. You glance back at the Cowboy and he quickly shakes his head.

“Don’t waste time on me, darlin’. Get yourself out of Dodge.”

With a nod you leave Cooper there, setting off into the darkness. You hadn’t killed the kid, although you probably should have, and the tranq was barely a few drops. Just what was left after Cooper had tranqed you. But it should buy you a half hour, maybe more.

It buys you a mile, give or take.

Sounds carries in the desert so when the men start shouting you can hear it echoing. A glance back at the fire shows shadows occasionally blocking it and you quicken your pace. As long as Cooper doesn’t give up your direction you should be fine til morning.

Were you terrible for leaving him behind?

You pause, staring off at the dark shape of the mountains. You didn’t owe him a damn thing, absolutely not. But also… you weren’t the kind of person to just leave people like that either.

Aren’t you? a tiny voice in your head mocks.

Visions of faces just like yours, racks of people waiting to be sold to the highest bidder. They were still there, at the facility. If you made it away Galen would just sell the next girl on the list. And the next. You were pretty sure he’d been alive since the bombs fell - who knew how long he could keep this all going.

Did you owe it to the women just like you to stop it?

Could you live with yourself if you didn’t?

With a heavy sigh you find a nearby rock and pull your feet up, waiting for the search party. It takes them a while, probably another two hours while you grow even firmer in your resolve. It’s Javier who eventually ‘sneaks’ up on you. Whacking you across the back of your head so hard you slam face first into the rock below.

Twice in two days, probably not good for you.

You come up with a curse, spitting out blood and tonguing at a tooth that feels loose. Hands immediately pull you to your feet, tying your wrists together behind your back and shoving you back towards the fire.

“Bitch,” he grunts and you try to get your wits back around you. What would you do if you were still running? How would you act?

“Please let me go,” you plead softly. “I’ll do anything.”

You stumble next to Javier as he drags you back towards the fire, hitting the dirt more than once with nothing to break your fall. He jerks you to your feet each time, muttering things to himself until you’re moving again.

“You telling me you didn’t see a damn thing?”

“I was sleeping, same as you,” Cooper’s voice drawls as you re-enter the firelight. He glances up at you and his jaw hardens. You know you must look a mess, you can taste blood and you’ve fallen face first to the ground more than once.

“There you are,” Bossman grunts, coming to stand in front of you. “Bet you thought you had us.”

Travis is nursing a black eye which you feel a little bad about. But you don’t say anything as they untie Cooper - who rubs at his wrists and gives them an assessing look - and then use those same ropes to truss you up. As they move away he takes a step closer, barely speaking above a whisper.

“How far d’you get?”

“Too far… not far enough.”

He grunts. “Lost the element of surprise now.”

“It’s fine,” you sigh, “I don’t need it.”

He turns to you with a fully quizzical look before someone’s voice calls out and he goes to sit nearer to the fire. But he watches you the rest of the night, eyes burning with unasked questions.

☢ ☢ ☢

For updates follow and turn on notifications for @brandyllyn-writes

[chibi-celesti]

Time for Your Tune Up Part 11: Kalim Al-Asim

A/N: Sorry(but also not in advance) for going for the throat in this one. But once again, a commenter on Ao3 gave me the wicked idea for someone to finally get the full truth of what happens to Yumei after. 

Who knew the recent Book 07 Update(at the time of me making this) was the perfect inspiration for the Angst you're about to read! 🤣😅

Sorry for making you sad, Kalim. I do love you, you little ball of Sunshine🙏🏽😔

~TFYTU~

“Yuuuuuumeeeeeiiii~~~~” He was suddenly glomped by a huge weight on his back. Kalim koala's him in the middle of the Main Entrance of Scarabia, excited to see him come visit him and his dorm. “I'm so excited to meet you! What brings you here!?”

The Prefect felt his face turning blue. And maybe his spine starting to dislocate.“Kalim! Can’t breathe!”

“Whoops. My bad!” He laughed while carefully climbing off the other boy. Watching the other right himself back up, he asked: “So, what brings you here?”

He fiddled with the satchel in his hands. “Is Jamil here by any chance?”

“You just missed him. He’s at basketball practice since their Team’s game is coming up next week.”

“Ah….” He felt unsure if his next step would be wise. But he trusts enough(not too much) to talk about this. “Is it ok if I talk to you, in private?”

“Sure! We could make it a party instead!”

“No, Kalim,” That caught the Housewarden off guard. “I don’t want too many ears to hear this.”

‘Ah. it’s something serious,’ He thought. “Ok.”

~Scarabia Dorm: Kalim’s Room~

“Oh…That’s what you wanted Jamil for?”

“Yeah. I didn’t want to worry you or anything.” Shortly after they situated themselves in the Warden’s bedroom, Yumei had told Kalim everything regarding his supplements, and how he needed to take them every three months.

“I can help you!” The warden didn’t think it sounded too bad. If needing help taking medicine is what the Prefect wants, he can definitely help with that! (Kalim if only you knew TT_TT) 

That was a bit unexpected. “You sure?! You don’t even know what my supplement looks like! For all you know, I could be making it up!”

The other boy shook his head, his decision firm and final.“No way! I know you wouldn’t lie to me.”

“The Winter Break Incident!”

“That was different. You were trying to stop Jamil from hurting me!”

‘It was more than that,’ He internally wept. “But-”

“No buts!” Kalim said as he saw the dual eyed boy continue to make excuses. He watched him deflate into his cushion before he moved his satchel in front of him. He opened the bag so he could let the platinum blonde take out one of the Life Extending Agents. Once he got hold of one, Kalim was surprised about how it almost looked like a crystal. 

“THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO TAKE?! IT’S SO GURTHY!!” He laughed.

“Don’t remind me…” Yumei sweated. “So, my port is pretty close.” He patted his chest, right above his Heart.

“I just put it in, right?”

“Yup. Gently, though, ok?” Once he saw Kalim nod, he leaned back into the cushions, hoping that making himself comfortable would lessen the pain.

Agent in hand, Kalim climbed over him and raised it over his heart and lowered it down. “Ow!”

“Ah, sorry!”

“No no! This is normal!” In a panic, the bluenette grabbed his wrist so he didn’t move away.

“You sure?”

“Yes. Please, don’t stop!” Yumei ignored the tears pricking his eyes. “Please keep going!”

He was still nervous about it, and still thought about stopping. But the Prefect still wants this, and as Housewarden he is supposed to help his fellow students, even if they’re from entirely different dorms.“O-ok.”

Kalim continued to push down the Life Extending Agent into his friend’s chest, trying to offer words of comfort the best way he could as the younger boy squirmed beneath him. 

“Almost got it…There. It’s all inside now, Yumei.” Kalim released a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Thank you, Kalim,” He panted, letting go of his wrist. “Ah, sorry ‘bout that.”

“It’s fine. Doesn't hurt one bit,” He assured his friend. He moved to help him sit up slowly. 

They sat in silence for a moment before Kalim spoke up again. “Does Grim know?” He saw his friend flinch at the cat’s name, and saw him nod with a solemn expression. “Um, if you don’t mind me asking. After forty…what happens then?”

“I...pass on.”

“Oh…” Deep down, he had a feeling that was the case. He’s been near that long enough to know to savor every moment he has with the people around him. “Next time, as in three months from now. Could I still help, Yumei?”

He looked up at his senior in shock. “Kalim. You would burden yourself with helping me? With this?!”

“Well, yeah. You’re my friend. And friends help each other.”

“You know Jamil-”

“I know he and I are a different case! But…you’re different.”

He was close to crying. The Reyvateil wasn’t expecting this during his time in this world. He hugged him then, tightening his hold on the second year, voice wavering as he spoke. “Sure. You can help me til then.”

Later, Timeskip:

“Daddy.”

“Yes, Summaya?” Kalim’s wise gaze turned to his young daughter, who was no more than five.

Her dual colored eyes looked at his; nervous but hopeful. “Are we gonna visit Papa today?”

‘Ah, right.’ It’s been about five years since then, hasn’t it? “Yes, we are.”

Taking the little one’s hand in his, the merchant heir and his heiress transcended the halls of the palace, heading towards a special place in the palace garden guarded by Pink Carnations, Lavenders, and White Orchids. They were some of his favorite flowers, so the Sultan made sure that they were planted and tended to every day for him.

It wasn’t long before they reached their destination. A special shine laid hidden in the flowers of the Asim state. Dedicated to the one who his everything. His Habibi who passed on a few days after his fortieth birthday. Etched in a silver plaque was his name.

Yumei Archambeau-Asim

3XXX-3XXX

A hard worker, friend, and Love One. His memory will forever live on in Song.

Even now, looking at his lover’s tombstone, it was hard for him not to feel emotional. But he held it in; their daughter wanted to see him again today. “Hello, Habibi. How’ve you been?”

No response.

“A-anyway, Summaya wanted to say hello to you.” He gently nudged her forward.

“Hi, Papa. I made this for you today,” She pulled out a small card with a doodle of her dads and her together, surrounding a birthday cake. The top of the picture read “Happy Birthday!” in blues and reds, the same colours her Daddy said he used to wear all the time. “I wanted to give you a pink flamingo parade, but Daddy said no.” She pouted.

She heard him chuckle behind her. “The birds would ruin the flowers, Ya Amar.” He patted her head.

“But he did let me do this for you. It’s a song he helped me make for you.” Cradling her picture carefully, Summaya started to sing.

~It’s Time to go to Bed, and wonder to where the moon will go in the night sky~

~You can float in your dreams, or gaze at the shadows.~

As his daughter sang her song, Kalim let his silent tears fall. He worked hard to try and work through the pain of losing Yumei. He knew what he was getting into when he told him the truth, but he still stood by him. He loved him so much.

A gentle breeze came by as Summaya’s song began to slowly end, a faded ghost stood beside his beloved sultan and child. Smiling at his family, Yumei embraced them both with one sentence. “Melenas, Kalim. Till we meet again, my Sultan.”

~TFYTU~

2nd A/N:There were two songs that helped inspired this chapter to be as long as it was. Definitely recommend a good listen to!

Reisha's Lullaby and Eternally Bonded

[dr-abitat-blog]

Day 16: "You always make everything worse!" (Alt. prompt)

@ailesswhumptober

T/W: Mental health, couple argument, hurt/attempted comfort, heated emotions, verbal abuse

Lyall and Faline once again belong to the beautiful and talented @whumpsmith. This is essentially a direct sequel to her AWESOME Day 10 prompt (pushing away a loved one) so do check if you can! :D Also Lyall x Achilles (Lachilles) for the win~

“Lyall?”

I wait anxiously outside the door to his hospital room, rapping out a faint tune on the door to get his attention. He’ll probably just ignore it if he’s in one of his moods — and given the state Faline was in when she came running out of his room, I’m pretty sure we might be in for a storm. Seriously, I’ve never seen her look like that before. Those tears running down her cheeks, shaking her head and trying so hard to pretend she was fine. That’s our homegirl — but after pressing her several times, she finally broke down to me and told me exactly what he’d said.

“You’re kidding. Lyall—Lyall would never say that! I mean, I guess he can be a bit of a jerk at times but he can’t help it—”

“N-no, Al,” she’d murmured, unsuccessfully forcing the wavers out of her voice, “This was different. Trust me, something’s definitely wrong. He won’t see that he needs help — y-you need to talk to him!”

I can still hear her ever so faintly from over here, unable to hold back her hurt sobs. He’s had a full ten minutes to calm down. That’s plenty of time.

Or it should be.

About half a minute goes by with no response. Gritting my teeth, I knock again, louder this time.

“Lyall, I know you’re in there. I just want to talk. Come on, open the door. Please?”

…nope. Nothing. The door still doesn’t open. Naturally, my frustration starts to increase as I pound my fist against it. “March Hare, open this door, or I swear I’ll—”

My threat is cut off by the creaking of the door. I barely wait before pushing it open. Standing on the other side is my boyfriend, Lyall Lapin — or March Hare, as his sidekick name goes. His powers are super impressive — pun totally not intended — allowing him to make earthquakes and manipulate earth. Definitely more impressive than my own healing flashy light-show of essence, but we are making progress to—

“What?”

The thought instantly cuts off as I notice the expression on his face — glaring.

Oh crap. He does not look happy.

“Hey, uh, thanks for opening up,” I start casually, biting my tongue to keep from asking immediately about his ‘visit’ with Faline. “I just wanted to check up on you, that’s all. See if you were okay—”

“I’m fine.”

He gives his arm — the one not all bandaged up in a plaster cast — a dismissive wave. I can’t help but let my eyes narrow into a suspicious squint.

“No, you’re not ‘fine’ — and that’s okay. You’ve been through a—”

“Well what do you think?” he snaps, “I’ve broken my arm, my best friend probably hates me right now and even though I was the one who saved everyone back there from Hatter and the jabberwocky I’m the one being treated like the bad guy!”

I stay quiet, allowing him to vent his feelings. It’s a lot to process — and yeah, I am maybe a little biased on my boyfriend’s side, but I can’t ignore the fact that he did endanger himself — and the rest of us. He directly disobeyed Cap’s orders and went on ahead to try and save us, including me, from Hatter. The other sidekicks managed to find and help him, but apparently the whole time he was rude and abusive to all of them, including my brother. That’s…not like my Lyall. Something is going on.

And I’m not leaving until I find out what it is.

“...I know,” I agree quietly, “It sucks, dude. It really sucks.”

“I know, right?! They should all be thanking me! If I hadn’t been there then none of them would have stood a chance — I’m the best hero there is on the force and they know it!”

“Yeah, yeah you are,” I respond, “You were brave tonight. You saved us — you saved me. You were definitely determined — even if what you did was a little reckless but—”

“Oh don’t you start too.”

He rolls his eyes with a small scowl that doesn’t belong on his face. “I thought you were on my side!”

“I am!” I insist, holding up my hands, “But that also means looking out for you—”

“I don’t need anyone to look out for me — including you.”

He grits his teeth, his cheeks flushing in anger. “I’m not fucking fragile.”

“I didn’t say you were! I was just saying—”

“Well don’t.”

Our eyes lock. My own green irises widen as his brown ones stare into mine. I almost shudder from the cold fury being sent my way. “You always have to do it, don’t you, Achilles? Butting in, poking your nose into my business, treating me like I’m made of glass, being so overprotective all the time!”

Over…protective?

“I just don’t want you to get hurt! And I’m worried about you! We all are! You’re not acting like yourself right—”

“I’m perfectly clear, thanks!” he snaps, “I don’t need anyone telling me how I ‘should’ behave, like I’m expected to be smiling and happy twenty-four-seven! And that includes you and your overprotectiveness!”

“Lyall, I don’t mean to—”

“Well you do — you always do! It’s not ‘cute’ or ‘romantic’ — it’s degrading and it makes me sick. I’ve told you so many times how I feel about that, but you still don’t listen to me! Do you have that little faith in me?!”

He’s yelling now — properly yelling. Each word is like a knife twisting at my heart. The truth is painful. I am overprotective — and we have talked about it before, but I just can’t let go of the fear of losing him, o-or something happening or—

“And before you go off being so high and mighty, let’s not forget that I was the one who saved you. You were the one that got yourself kidnapped by Hatter! That wouldn’t have happened if it had been me!” 

My stomach aches as if I’ve taken a punch to it. I notice him clenching his fists, staring at me down his nose. Like he’s…superior. Like I’m nothing compared to him. “So stop getting in my way and telling me what to do and what not to do because I’m sick to fucking death of it!” 

My feet remain frozen in place. I feel the colour leaving my freckled face as he continues shouting at me. A weird mix of feelings runs through my head. Guilt. Helplessness…anger.

“You want me to apologise? Fine. I’m sorry that I can’t let go of that image of you almost dead on a hospital bed last year whilst I screamed your name a dozen times,” I snap, “and I’m sorry that whenever we face danger my biggest fear is always losing the people who mean the most to me — which includes you!”

I grit my teeth tightly. Warning prickles spread through my hands. 

No, stay down. Breathe. Easy. Breathe—

“Oh look, you’re at it again!”

I stare at him.

“At what?”

“Throwing around your excuses again!” he hisses, “You can’t use past trauma as a get-out-of-jail-free card every time you screw up, Achilles!”

The anger slowly fades from my eyes.

Screw up…

“You…you think I’m a screw up?” I ask, the conviction leaving my voice slightly.

“Lately, yes!” he responds fiercely, “You think you’re being ‘heroic’ or ‘romantic’ and making things better but you’re not! You always make everything worse!” 

Everything…worse…

For a moment, time seems to stand still. It’s just the two of us standing there, except I don’t know who I am. Standing across from him, frozen, mouth gaping slightly. No words come out. Something hot stings at my eyes. I feel like I’m going to be physically sick. Heat rushes to my face as he clenches his teeth, continuing to glare at me. Right now, this second, his expression is almost like...hatred.

“You always make everything worse.”

The echoes of Lyall’s voice are joined by another horribly familiar one — his voice.

No, n-no—

“It’s your fault, A.9.R. You did this.”

The tears start to slip free. I hiss as the prickles start scorching my hands. My fingers tremble. I can’t steady my breathing—

“You did this.”

That’s the last straw. I don’t even remember leaving his room, or the expression on his face. All I’m aware of are the tears seeping down my cheeks, the pain rippling through me and the burning release of the essence as I let it go. Multiple things get displaced in the bathroom, but I don’t care. I just drop to my knees over the toilet bowl, heaving and sobbing for god knows how long until Faline and Ash finally find me. Without a word, they hug me. I try to pull away, but in the end I just sink into their arms, muffling my sobs in my brother’s shirt. Eventually, Faline speaks up, rubbing my back.

“Achilles…wh-what did he say to you?”

“H-he said…a lot of things,” I answer slowly, “and that I…a-always make everything worse…”

“H-he said that? Lyall said that — to you?”

I don’t know why my brother seems so surprised. Apparently Lyall was yelling at him too during the rescue mission. I can’t confirm it with words, only my head. Ash just tightens his hold on me. “D-don’t listen to him. He’s just…overwhelmed right now. He said some heated things in the moment, I’m sure with some space he’ll—”

“I-I’m not so sure about that, Ash.”

Faline gently shakes her head, a troubled look in her eyes. “All I know is…th-this isn’t our Lyall.”

No. It’s not.

I draw in a shaky breath, blinking back further tears. 

And I don’t know if we’re ever getting him back…

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2012 This is the third or fourth day in a row that I woke up with a scratchy throat that takes hours to go away. What the hell is causing it?

Since what may very well be menopause has set in, diet and exercise haven’t been doing me much good, but I’m going to give it another shot to see if I can get results. If not, then I guess I will just have to accept that my weight is going to stay where it’s at or continue to climb. Really hope it doesn’t keep climbing. Again, I’m doing this for comfort and health reasons and not for appearances. The heavier I am, the less flexible I am.

I used to get a few messages and comments on Facebook a week. Now I get much more than a few in a day. So if I forget to answer them all, don’t think I’m ignoring you!

Well, I think that’s pretty much it for the year, so happy new year everyone!

LMAO!!! Carla had me laughing my ass off so hard when she told me this one. Love the name Snowbelle for a rat, too.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2012 Tammy left an 8-minute message (I can’t believe it let her ramble that long) telling me stuff I pretty much already know, but nothing bad. She said the girls would like to have an aunt in their lives and reach out to me and all that shit and would like it if I reached out to them little by little like Etta, their other aunt, reached out to them. However, they were a bit hurt over my bashing Bill in my blog. She said they totally understood my ill feelings for him, were old enough to know he was/is no saint, and understood that my journal is a place for expressing myself, etc. However, I don’t have a problem with not mentioning him, and I told all 3 of them this. I’ve already said what I have to say about him anyway.

Although I’ll never forgive Bill, even if he didn’t realize the full extent of the consequences of his actions, I believe what happened was destined to be as sick, wrong, cruel, and as unfair as it was. If it weren’t for Bill, God would have used someone else to take the welfare bums by the hand and lead them to our door. Still… if he does croak of cancer I’ll be sure to keep my delight out of public for a while. I also won’t get involved in current family disputes (with them and Lisa) or take sides cuz that’s how trouble starts. Not that they asked me to or anything like that. I’m sorry they’re not getting along, but it’s got nothing to do with us just like my ill feelings (and I told the girls this) for Bill has nothing to do with them.

Lastly, not to take it personally that tech issues or not I’m just not a phone person. It’s much easier to keep in touch online.

The girls said they understood.

Tammy also mentioned having - I think she said Internet issues and not computer issues - and I was surprised at first. Then it hit me that if she’s out in the boonies too, she may have the same kind of shitty DSL we have. The net was down here for 2½ hours and we didn’t think it was going to come back, so Tom fine-tuned the antennae by throwing it on the roof and switched us to the hotspot. We’d drop AT&T and do the hotspot full-time if it weren’t so expensive. We could afford it, but it would eat into our savings and we don’t want that. The net did come back on, though.

What I didn’t tell her was that I’m indifferent to whether or not she and the girls remain in my life, as there are pros and cons to both. People do come and go throughout our lives and one does get used to it. This doesn’t mean I wouldn’t feel bad, though, if Becky fell down and broke her leg or something.

She hasn’t had time to start her journal yet, she said, and I guess Becky does have to have eye surgery, which sucks.

Strange thinking how Tammy was just a breath away from ultimately ending up as siblingless as she is parentless when Tom and I nearly offed ourselves to save us from the streets. But we were the ones to survive in the end, and now I just hope that God’s giving Mom in the afterlife what she deserves cuz He sure as hell didn’t give it to her here.

Here’s the best news. She talked to Walter and “coincidently,” considering what my vibes and dreams have been telling me as far as getting more than just a few grand goes, she said she really believes I’ll get a good amount of money. Well, anything would help with getting a nicer place, but I still don’t want to assume anything, no matter what my vibes and dreams may say till I actually see anything. Meanwhile, Walter’s wrapping up the final business deals and paperwork and all that stuff.

I’ve been having a feeling of major change coming in April too, but don’t know what kind of change. I’d love to think that’s when we’ll move, but that seems awfully soon.

Tammy’s been kind enough to ID the “dead bodies,” or mostly dead ones in the super old family pics that I uploaded to FB. For now, they’re visible only to her until she finishes identifying everyone for me. I know who most of them are, though.

Seems Nana and Pa got the house next to us sooner than I realized. I thought it was built around the time ours was and that we all moved in at the same time. But there’s a picture of both my grandparents with Mom, Dad, and either baby Larry or Tammy. Well, Papa Joe died before I was born, so they had to have been there since at least the 50s.

Tom’s now thinking he had a stomach bug and that that’s why he puked last night and not because he overate. This makes more sense because while he may get carried away at times, especially on weekends, I’ve never known him to eat too fast and too much till it actually made him puke.

My boobs were sore yesterday and I thought I’d be getting a period, something I’m not entirely against with all the water retention I’ve been experiencing, but now they’re not that sore and I don’t know what to think. Menopause? A fluky month? Something else?

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2012 Poor Tom. He woke up and had to puke. He said he was so hungry when he got home that he ate so fast that he didn’t realize when he was full.

Let’s see… what can I bitch about? It’s what I do best and I’m damn good at it. Well, It really bothers me to see headlines about searching for missing people of color. Can’t they just search for missing PEOPLE and leave it at that? Why must there always be labels and favoritism? Reverse discrimination isn’t any more okay than discrimination. While people have been so busy favoring those of color they haven’t been able to see how much people are shitting on gays and whites. Or maybe they don’t want to. Maybe it’s just too scary to accept that most of today’s claims of discrimination are fabricated either out of spite or to get ahead.

Yet people will go on looking for these missing people of color without being called the racists that they in a sense truly are, while no one would hesitate for a millisecond to call whites that if the headline said they were looking for missing whites.

Poor Mary. She just got her new Windows computer 4 months ago and already has a nasty virus that destroyed a lot of her stuff. I told her to go Mac and someone else agreed, saying they haven’t had any problems since. Windows is simply made differently than Apple products. Windows has so many security issues and loopholes that allow others to get at your computer and your stuff that Apple is pretty damn good about. Repair people will always bash Macs and say they’re just as susceptible to viruses because they know that the more people that go Mac won’t be coming back to them for service.

I hated it at first as I’m like most people who hate change. After getting used to doing things a certain way for so many years, I fought tooth and nail until my Google blog and Gmail email account were hacked and someone actually got into my computer to do God only knew what. Once you get used to it you will see it’s not that different than Windows. So you close things by clicking a red dot in the upper left corner instead of an x in the upper right corner. A part of me will always miss Windows as that’s all I ever knew for so long, but I love how they don’t need to do updates as often since there are fewer security breaches, can be left on all the time, boot-up time is so much quicker if you do need to restart after installing new software/hardware, and the OS upgrades are cheaper.

I love the new scanner! The software it came with is wonderful, too. Got a couple hundred or so pics scanned already, but have hundreds more to go. I started with the old pics, then my parents and the beautiful place they lived in while I was struggling in the slums. Andy’s been cracking me up with all the funny comments he left.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2012 It’s weird how Mom, Dad, and Larry died almost on the same day of the months they died, the 22nd, 23rd and 24th. Just like 3 of us were born almost on the same days, 4th, 5th, 6th. Tammy and I will have to watch our backs on the 21st since the dates seem to be going backward.

Still getting backaches in my middle back, but not as much. I don’t think it has to do with the new mattress, though. This is a high-quality mattress and not the right kind of backache that normally comes with bad mattresses. The old mattress used to give me backaches in my very lower back. Besides, it’s been too long. This mattress is actually continuing to amaze me with just how comfortable it is. I just hate the hotness that the memory foam topper brings. At the same time, memory foam is so much more durable than regular foam.

Tom and I were discussing a problem we never thought we’d live to have, trying not to make too much money. He estimates that next year he’s going to make so damn much that he’ll fall into a particular tax bracket that could cause us to lose quite a bit of it. He explained to me that there’s this old, ancient setup that they never fixed where if you spill just over into the next tax bracket you could lose about a grand and it’s like you’re working for nothing at the very end of the year since it all has to go to taxes. So the way around it is to plow more money into the 401K. Our checks will be a little smaller that way, but not significantly. It’s better than losing it to schools we never had any kids attend, roads we’ll never drive on, hospitals we’ll never be in, welfare bums and other countries.

Upon reading back on the hell we went through for months trying to get into the Maricopa house with the way the well driller and so many others kept fucking things up and just all kinds of shit, CLEARLY something did NOT want us living there. I mean, it was just so, so obvious. The signs were there all along and it’s not like I’m only realizing this just now. I knew something up there didn’t want us leaving Phoenix or getting a nice house. It was like it WANTED us to stay with the welfare bums next door and all the chaos that was going on there, and it wanted us to live in old dumps. The Phoenix house wasn’t as dumpy as the house we rented in Oregon, though, and this trailer isn’t as dumpy as the Oregon house.

Just wondering if, in a whole different way, something’s going to be against us owning our own place again and determined to try to stop us and send all kinds of curveballs our way. The house won’t be nearly as nice, though, and its nearest neighbors are going to be a few feet away, not a few hundred.

Well, the God that has hated me since the day I was born can hate me all He wants along with whatever else is up there, and they all may feel this is all we deserve, but we don’t. And we WILL get out of here someday and we WILL live where we want and it will NOT be taken away from us until and if we decide to sell it.

Two friends of mine have complained of nightmares (Andy and Alison) and I’ve been experiencing the same thing. I seem to have nothing but very sad, scary and negative dreams.

Some German guy wanted to rape and kill me, but let me go unharmed when he realized I could speak some of his ugly language.

In another, I didn’t seem to know Tom and my parents were still alive. I took a clutch with me to a club. In the clutch was over a grand in cash meant for the month’s expenses. I placed it down on the counter where I ordered a drink, turned around for a second, and then discovered that the clutch was gone. I woke up in a panic, trying to decide if I should run to my parents for help or just kill myself.

In another dream, Tom and I rented a luxury apartment. We’d never rent an apartment, luxurious or not, but the apartment was so beautiful that I truly loved it. A couple of people who worked at the place were with me, offering to help unpack. I said no thanks, and that Tom could help once he got back from wherever he was. Then I said, “Hey, do you ever sell any of these units? If the neighbors can be civilized and not bang doors, cabinets, stomp, blast music and TVs and all the shit they usually do, I just may be interested in owning one of these places.”

They say we dream of our fears, and the stolen purse is actually kind of common for me. I mostly dream of poverty and being held places against my will.

It’s frustrating when trolls pick on the innocent, but it becomes funny when they pick on each other. I don’t think Molly is picking on Kim since Kim likes to hide, but she sure is picking on Molly, LOL. Kim first pretended to be others on Ask, including “Tia,” and then she was actually herself on MO – OMG! – trying to get Molly to buddy up with her. Same old whiny crap she’d give me – why are you deleting my comments? I’m trying to be nice to you.

So then Kim does go to MO after all. But does she only go to trackless pages there, or is she disabling cookies?

It’s Kim’s refusal to change and lack of concern for others that confirms in my mind that dumping her was the right thing to do. She was/is just too dishonest and too crazy. So much so that I honestly think she’s beyond change. Probably doesn’t even want to change. She is positively devoid of shame, guilt, remorse, empathy, compassion or self-respect. Obviously, she hates herself tremendously. Why else would she pretend to be someone else most of the time? And why else would she pay so much attention to those who don’t like her? Because that’s all she feels she deserves, obviously, or else she’d wipe the slate clean and start afresh by making new friends. Friends that are either just as fucked as she is or that don’t mind her lies, her bullshit, her delusions and her endless banter all about her favorite subject – herself and her dumb-ass stories that make little sense at all. No wonder so many of Kim’s own family members dumped her on Facebook like she once told me they did. They obviously were embarrassed to be associated with her once they realized they were being impersonated or some crazy shit like that.

Can people like Kim ever feel a sense of guilt? How about embarrassment for their behavior? Can they feel that? I don’t know what disgusts and sickens me more, women who get off on abuse, or those who get off on trying to befriend those who don’t want to even talk to them, let alone be friends with them.

Why are my nieces all, “RIP Uncle Larry?” I thought they hated the guy for the shit he supposedly said to their mother. And again, what’s with Sarah’s claim of never having an aunt and with Tammy saying their aunt Etta never cared about them? She seems rather concerned about them from what I can tell.

Later…

I can kind of understand why a woman may sometimes gravitate toward abusive men. But I don’t get one single bit why some people choose to follow those that dislike them. Why would anyone want to surround themselves with people who simply don’t give a shit about them? Kim said the dream I had about her that I shared (although made up) wasn’t funny – and I know it was her – so I just wonder why she tunes in every single day to a blog that isn’t “funny.”

I asked Tom if he thought the spirits of the dead, if they really do exist, could influence the living. Could my mother and brother bring harm my way? Could Anna bring good? He said he wouldn’t worry about my mother or brother doing anything bad, using serial killers as an example. If spirits could do bad things, he said, then the spirits of those they killed would lash out at them before they could get to 10, 11, or 12 killings.

He has a point there. Also, good spirits would have all their loved ones win the lottery or something like that. So I agree with him in that there could be subtle influences, but nothing major. I just hope that not too many negative “subtle influences” start occurring as things like that have a way of adding up.

Finally had some spotting earlier, so maybe I will get a period again after all. I figured I would eventually.

The new scanner and second air cleaner arrived today. I’m looking forward to scanning in tons of pics throughout the night. Gonna ultimately share them on FB and maybe I’ll throw some in my blogs or on Ask here and there as well. I doubt most people would find them very exciting. They’re mostly old family pics.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2012 I’d just gotten up after working online all night and saw that I had a voice message from Tammy. My first thought was that if she were asking me to call her again, I would simply scream. Tech issues or not, I hate it when people try to get me to do things I’m just not into doing. But then I remembered that I did tell her to decorate my machine with all the VMs she wants since she’s not big on typing.

Anyway, she didn’t call to ask that I call her. Instead, she called to tell me Larry died last Saturday on the 22nd. He would have been 59 next month. I guess Norma called to break the news to Tammy who was a bit hurt that we weren’t mentioned in the obituary, but as I told her, that’s fine with me. I wouldn’t have mentioned him in mine, and siblings aren’t mentioned half the time anyway. It’s usually spouses, parents, kids and grandkids that are mentioned as opposed to siblings, cousins and that sort of thing.

Although I can think of a few instances where my brother really pissed the shit out of me to the point that yes, I did wish he would drop dead a few times, I have spent most of my life rather indifferent toward him or toward what he may have felt for me. I know he never really gave a shit about me. That was no secret. Larry didn’t care about most people. Being 12 years older and two very different people with two very different lives, we basically regarded each other as strangers. He had a good sense of humor but was otherwise a very selfish and insensitive person from what little I did see and know of him. He lived for weed and sex with young girls more than he seemed to live for anything else.

To say there was a curse on his children is an understatement! They lost Sarah a month before she was born when Sandy was in a car accident in 1982, and then his teenage son died when they were on the road together in 1997.

He wasn’t an abusive parent in the way our parents were but I often felt bad for Sandy and Jennifer. First he was always on the road when he was driving, then he made his wife and daughter seem like second best when his son died and then abandoned them altogether for Stefanie, a child-woman with God only knows what kind of daddy issues.

Although undoubtedly poisoned against me, I also feel bad for his wife (yeah, they did get hitched in the end) and newborn Jason. To be widowed at just 21 has got to be rough. And there I was thinking it a shame that the kid probably wouldn’t be out of college when his dad died. Now he won’t even be out of diapers. Instead, he is left with a mother that’s too young and who knows what problems he may’ve inherited from his dead father.

Loss is loss whether it’s assholes you’ve lost or not. Still, Anna’s passing hit me much harder than the others. I hope she will keep them away from us if their spirits could possibly bring any harm our way. I wonder if I’m next, but as Tom said, if we are, you can’t change destiny. We don’t think so, though, as we’re both healthy. My parents and Larry weren’t. Even Andy’s not worried and pointed out that I’m healthy. He talked to Judy too, who said to give her condolences.

If it’s true that we meet up with loved ones in the afterlife, Mom and Dad are going to be in for a real WTF? moment when they find their son has come to join them so soon after they died.

Tom says death happens in threes, though I’ve never heard that. I’ve heard that bad things happen in threes, but not death. It makes me wonder, though. Especially since I did lose 3 grandparents relatively close to each other. One died when I was 17 and the others when I was 19, just 6 months apart.

Anyway, and like I told Tammy, at least she doesn’t have to clean up after him, so to speak, and deal with his send-off. This one’s going in the ground, though, not to the toaster.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2012 “Tia” returned the account to me since I got bored with her. Even Andy agreed it was this boring persona I’d taken on just for the trolls, which as usual, didn’t end up doing me any good. All it did was make them curious about Tia instead of causing them to lose interest altogether. Besides, I missed being able to be myself.

Tammy and Mark left a nice message wishing us a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

I hope Harry, my Italian dad, gets my letter by the end of the week like he should.

Tom set up the hotspot by hanging the antennae by a tree outside, and while it’s way faster, it still cuts in and out like crazy. Maybe someday we will get to have the things that so, so many people take for granted every single day of their lives.

He also replaced the washer on the tub’s hot water faucet which I’m sure will need replacing every other week while we’re still here.

The drain was starting to get a bit sluggish, but when I blasted it with the plunger it was fine.

It’s still hard to believe I can eat painlessly on both sides of my mouth. It is so nice, though! But as I’ve said before, I seem to trade problems rather than just solve them. So now that I’ve fixed my teeth I worry I’ll be in for something new. Fortunately, we’ll be insured this time around even though neither of us needs any new problems. Funny, though, how menopause or whatever it is set in not even a month after getting the new bridge, though that hardly counts as a “problem.”

The rats are so damn funny with the way they run up to me when I enter the living room. They run up to the top level, closest to where I am, in hopes of me petting them and giving them treats.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2012 I’m a bit worried about Tom right now because he’s been so damn rundown. We first attributed this to all the OT, and of course he’s still getting over a cold and all that, but he agrees he’s got to get tested at some point to see if his iron levels are off. He had other testing upon getting hired on permanently that went well, but I always worry about him anyway. I’ve seen enough unfairness in this world and countless times where evil is blessed while good is cursed. I just worry God will think he’s “too good” to remain healthy or that He’ll want to take His anger for me out on Tom. What better way to get at someone you don’t like than to take it out on their loved ones?

Once I got with Tom there was no looking back and I could never imagine life without him just as many parents say they can’t imagine life without their kids once they’ve had them. So, if he goes, I go, and I don’t care how many offers I may get from those who love me enough not to mind my sleep disorder/schedule and who would feel that my doing the cleaning and laundry would be enough of a payback for giving me food and shelter, along with my love and friendship.

But I am sure my if-he-goes-I-go decision would be over one’s head unless they have truly loved and been loved by someone unconditionally other than a parent or something like that, just like those who have been quick to tell me “Well, this happened to you because of blah, blah, blah…” or “That happened because of this or that,” as if they witnessed the experience through my eyes and lived it right along with me, actually had no idea what the hell they were even talking about. Or at least not all the facts anyway. Nonetheless, I’m Tom’s wife. I’m the one that’s lived with him for nearly 20 years now. So only I can truly understand the bond we have just like we’re the only ones who can know and understand what happened with the Phoenix freeloaders, what it’s really like to have my kind of sleep disorder/birth defect, and what it was like to be a ward of the state with parents like Art & Doe O. I can tell you about it and try to describe feelings and experiences, but just like I recently said as far as researching life in Pakistan goes for my book, research and hearsay can never truly make up for living and experiencing something firsthand.

As for me, I used to bitch I was 80% - 90% PMS and just 10% - 20% period, but now I’m 100% PMS and 0% period. My back aches, I have enough water to fill a swimming pool with, and I worry I’m going to gain an endless amount of weight no matter what I do. Tom gave me a back massage earlier but it’s aching again. I’ll pop an Aleve if it gets that annoying. At least I’ve only had one bad ear spell since my dental bridge was put in on my birthday.

Later…

Really getting sick of Tammy’s “call me!” obsession. Again I had to stress to her when she wanted me to call so she, Mark and the girls could talk to both of us, about why we needed to wait till we move. Besides, with a cell phone, we’d have to keep passing it back and forth. We’ll definitely all chat when we get out of here but even then, as I told her, don’t expect me to gab for an hour or two every few days.

She said she’s got a diary on my-diary, but again she failed to give me a link. When she’s done playing with me she’ll give it to me. Unless she’s using a different name, none of the Tammys I searched for there seem to be her. Gotta laugh at the thought of her giving up on MO. I guess it was just too over her head.

It’s too soon to say how long it will last, but the trolls really seem to think “Tia” is for real. I hate not being able to be myself and I hate having to watch what I ask Andy and how I answer him, but I want to do it a while longer till the trolls HOPEFULLY get sick of hanging around to see if I’ve returned.

I haven’t been into the role-playing thing, and pretending to be someone I’m not, no matter how ordinary and boring the truth may be, for many years now. I miss being able to really get into that sort of thing and a part of me wishes I could really get myself to actually believe I’m whoever I’m pretending to be and whoever I’m pretending to be with, wherever we may be, so long as I could snap back out of it the instant I wanted to.

Got a royalty payment from UK book sales but it doesn’t compare to the mad money Tom’s making with all the OT.

I know I’ve said this a million times already but I am sooo sick of living here and being well-to-do people living like they’re still poor. I can’t wait for the holidays to be done and over with so we can really get a move on trying to move. The plumbing problems, leaks, Internet and phone issues are driving me batshit crazy! The MagicJack phone is sitting here going to waste and I still don’t want to buy minutes for the cell, whether we could afford them or not, to tell people the same things I can tell them online. The cell is just for urgent things.

The shower’s leaking again and this time I worry it’s the hot water side. I don’t care about Jesse’s water, but I care about our propane. Like it or not we may have to get him down to fix things right after the New Year. I guess we were just meant to be the ones to have to deal with him replacing all this old shit so the next people in here can have an easier life.

Sugar is turning out to be the smallest rat we’ve ever had. Not sure why, but he seems healthy. I just went out to see if they wanted to go to the “massage parlor” but they’re sleeping. We have this new thing now where I place my hands in the cage and wiggle my fingers. They then come up and press themselves against my fingers for a massage. Of course Romeo still loves to nip and try to drag my hand across the cage by my finger, LOL.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2012 I’m totally fucking with the troll’s heads on Ask right now, but so far it’s only Molly that’s responded to it and not Kim.

Andy posted a profile pic there of a sexy guy and all of a sudden he’s getting more questions. The truth is so boring that you gotta stretch the truth a little, he said, and I told him I considered doing that in my blog, but just couldn’t bring myself to deceive people like that.

That’s different, he said, and after thinking about it I realized he’s got a point. There is a difference between blogging and clowning around on Ask and so I let “Tia” go and “borrow” my account for a while, claiming that I was sick of all the glitches there. That much is damn true.

“Why do you post pics of other people?” Molly first asks. And “How could you have met without starting you own blog?” she also asked after I said I was a 26-year-old student with a BF from San Francisco (changed my profile pic too, to a random young black chick). I told her I was browsing the site and found Jodi’s blog, but hadn’t yet started one of my own due to being busy.

Then, sure enough, I get: This is Molly. Do you think Jodi misses me?

I played the dumb card to that one and said I didn’t know who she was since Jodi and I talk about things like writing and music and supernatural experiences as opposed to whom we know. LOL

It’s raining like crazy now. I slept all day, but Tom says it’s rained for most of the day.

Wish I had more to say, but I’m pretty up-to-date at the moment. It was a peaceful, laid-back weekend and it was nice to see Tom get caught up on much-needed sleep. He’s now mostly over his cold.

Couple more weeks and we can really step up the action as far as finding out if we can get out of here anytime soon, or if we already are where we’re meant to be. Well, I’m not plowing 5K - 10K into dressing up someone else’s place that they may decide to turn around and sell if they think we’ve added enough value to it. That much I do know!

My messages to Nane and Alison are appearing as read on Facebook, yet oddly enough I haven’t heard from them. I’m sure it’s just another glitch. No site seems to be able to do without them.

Maybe more than Molly did respond, the more I think about it and study the questions I was asked. Molly spelled my name as Jodi, but someone spelled it as jody. I’ve known Kim to spell it as jodi.

Aly playing games? I noticed one of my messages appeared to be read by her the other day and she said it must’ve been a glitch cuz it was her first time there all day.

Today I noticed that each of the 3 messages I sent her appeared as read shortly after I sent them, and then they switched to unread like she would read them as they came in and then mark them as unread. Damn, if I can’t trust Aly then whom can I trust?

Although… Nane’s messages are also appearing as read. Well, it’s unusual for her to check in on Sundays and not post something and send a quick message while she’s at it, so I don’t know what to think. I can’t look and see if Aly’s online because she says she remains hidden to avoid a friend who likes to chat, and of course Nane’s always hidden, too.

Still can’t help but wonder at times who’s kidding who.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2012 Sarah posted a poorly written client rant, saying she was their hairstylist and not there to listen to anyone’s sex life. It’s almost scary how much she writes and sounds like her mother. Fortunately, though, neither niece seems to be interested in gabbing with me, so I don’t think either of them will become pests or anything like that, which is good since I still want to be friendly without being friends, so to speak. I don’t know about Becky, but I’m sure Sarah would join her mom in becoming a real online nightmare for me if the DQ and I ever became enemies again. I can totally picture her calling and letting Larry have it just like Tammy said she did, whether he deserved it or not.

Ask is having another wave of tech issues, but as frustrated as Andy and I are over it, we’re reluctant to move to Formspring. It’d be nice to throw some unwanted company off my scent, but Formspring really sucks shit. It’s totally NOT what it used to be.

Tammy said that dealing with our parents dying and having to run back and forth between Florida and Connecticut was the worst 10 months of her life. This inspired me to share my 3 worst experiences in life, though those of you who know me well should know what they are and what order they come in.

If you don’t know me well, you probably think jail ranks #1. Wrong. That’s actually the third-worst time of my life.

Well, then Valleyhead was the worst moment, right? Wrong again. VH is runner-up. It was even worse than jail because it was so damn structured. So as funny as I know it may sound, I had more freedom in jail than in that damn so-called private school, which the FBI FINALLY shut down.

The worst time of my life was when my husband and I were so sure that life would kill us if we didn’t take our lives first. In jail and VH, my sanity may’ve been on the line, but my survival wasn’t.

I still have a lot of anger – a LOT of anger – toward my own country/government for more than that huge scare and for stopping our benefits BEFORE Tom could find a job. To think that my own people could take care of others before taking care of their own makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. I tremble with rage at just how twisted and unfair life can be.

Jesus, just minutes after allowing for anonymous questions (I knew it was too early to do so), I get: What do you do if you want to talk to someone who doesn’t want to talk to you?

Kim obviously wants me to know it’s her, just not from an account I can block. Could’ve been Molly, though it’s obviously one or the other. I answered: I talk to someone who does.

Does it really take a genius to figure out that this would be the solution and the best way to handle that?

Absolutely NO more journal entries for Maliheh unless she asks for them. She obviously doesn’t want to keep in touch just like I’ve been suspecting and I don’t think she’s even reading them anymore. I don’t know if something else is going on in her life that’s caused her to crawl into such a shell or if it’s got to do with me, but unlike Kim and Molly, I’m smart enough to know that I can’t make people want to be more sociable.

Later…

I would love to sprinkle my online blog with blatant lies about Kim just to piss her off and really give her something worth reading, but since Aly reads it too, I won’t waste my time.

Forgot to mention the dreams I had last night. The “dream people” told me where we’re going. Well, they might have anyway. In the dream I asked Tom if we could “turn something into balloons” and he said, “Nah, cuz before you know it we’ll be out of here and over in Lincoln.”

Lincoln is close to where he works, and some guy at work suggested he look there, but locations don’t usually mean anything in the way of a possible dream premonition to be. I need to “see” things. Reasonable things like what I saw before our last two moves – chain-link fences, white picket fences, woods, etc. Not 4000-square-foot barns or 8-story houses.

The second dream was Nane telling me she was going to come visit me in a year and me starting a countdown in my blog. Now that will never happen, LOL.

Received some very flattering and encouraging feedback from my Pakistani friend, so maybe I will resume the story I was working on. I’ll wait till I’m home alone or Tom’s asleep. I work better that way. She has been kind enough to act as a consultant to the book since there’s only so much research one can do on a place they’ve never been to. Research can’t always replace having firsthand experience or consulting with someone who has.

Just when we were delighted not to be disconnected for an hour or two each morning and evening, they go and shut us down. So we switched over to the hotspot, and while it’s wonderfully fast, it’s just not reliable out here. Speed and reliability simply won’t come while we’re still here. I’d like to think the dream was a sign that we’re going to find a great deal on what we want real soon, but I still think we’ll be here for years. Since deciding that we refuse to settle for anything less than what we want, we’re just going to have to wait till we can get it.

We’re now waiting on a second air cleaner or scanner, though. For $125, we ordered both. I’m sure this scanner will be a far cry nicer than the one in our shed that we got in the 90s.

I’m just about a week late for my period now. Sometimes I still feel like I’m going to get it. A part of me wishes I would just to flush all this water off me, but I’d rather never get the damn thing again.

Readplease no longer exists, last.fm no longer allows unlimited song skipping. Yup, all good things really do come to an end.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2012 Ended up sleeping forever. Had a dream (or was I partially awake?) that my Italian mom told me my weight was down. It was. Then I looked up my Italian dad’s address, now that I’m spelling the name right, and found the same address they’ve been at since I’ve known them. I’m going to be sending a letter to him soon giving my condolences and all that. Still feel so bad for not keeping in touch and not getting to say goodbye to Mom. I just can’t believe that I, someone who is usually good with spelling, spelled their name wrong all these years, but so glad I studied Italian in 2009 so I could finally realize my mistake!

I posted a 1996 entry last night about calling Mom and how she said she had a cold, started half a letter to me that she was going to send along with pictures, and that she expected me to stop by if I was to be in the area. But I never did get that second letter or any pictures. I don’t know what happened, but I eventually stopped calling and writing and they faded into the back of my mind. Still loved, still remembered, but not kept in touch with.

Andy was very touched by Mom’s letter in 1996. It was definitely one of the nicest letters I ever got.

Woke up to find that Sarah sent me a friend request and then I sent one to Becky, Jennifer and Sandy. Becky accepted me, but I don’t expect to be accepted by the others. Sandy might feel awkward about that, and my lovely brother has probably poisoned Jennifer’s mind against me.

How funny life is at times with the way the exact opposite of what we plan or expect to happen can happen. I figured I’d drift from the rest of my family after my parents died. Instead, I am closer to them than ever.

I said I’d discuss the pictures Tammy sent in more detail once I scanned them, and I will, but I will say that looking at the pics of my mother with her mother is so deceptive. Just looking at their smiles and all that can really fool one into believing they were happy, kind individuals, instead of the lying, abusive control freaks that they were.

It was the picture of a birthday cake for their bird that really pissed me off. So that’s how they were spending their money that their daughter and son-in-law could’ve probably used at the time, huh? I’d have loved to have slammed their heads in the cake if I were there! Yeah, happy fucking birthday, little birdie.

I warned Tammy, who started a journal on MO, about Molly, but since Tammy isn’t friends with Aly, she should be ok. Typical Tammy, though, LOL. She offered to harass her if she was harassing me cuz she loves me. I told her that’s ok, she’s been behaving lately. Just playing peekaboo at times along with Kim, who’s way worse than Molly can be. Besides, I don’t want to do anything that would make us look just as bad.

Glad I wasn’t asleep when some insanely loud light green truck was slowly moving back and forth up and down the steep part of Jesse’s drive for a few minutes, probably to level the ruts caused by the rain. What is it with him and every single one of his vehicles having to be so damn loud except for the truck he totaled? I could hear it loud and clear in the shower that I thought he drove down here till I got out and saw the truck up there.

Fortunately for Tom, he has the whole weekend off, but he will have to work next Saturday. He’ll have Tuesday off, of course.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2012 Had so much to do yesterday that I didn’t get a chance to write about all I wanted to write about.

Forgot to mention that Tammy also sent a couple of mugs we had made up at a mall back in the 90s with our pictures on them. We had sent them one year for Chanukah. Also, a Navy patch from when Dad was in the Navy. As for the pictures, I’d rather wait till they’re all scanned in before I get into describing those in more detail.

How right my sister was in saying we don’t have much in common but then again we do. Yeah, we have nothing and everything in common for damn sure.

I feel bad for her because she is struggling with her emotions right now and is on medication to help her nerves. Damn. Medication. Except for a round of antibiotics for my tooth a couple of years ago, and some over-the-counter stuff for allergies, I haven’t been on medication since the 90s. Regardless, she is so very hurt by many things. As for myself, I was more pissed than hurt, but I feel more at peace now that my parents are gone. There will always be some underlying anger when I remember them and the hell they caused me. As I’ve said many times, some things are just too big to forgive. I could never forgive my parents, the people who sought legal vengeance upon me in Arizona, Tammy’s ex for helping to ensure that it happened even if it was indirectly, or God for allowing it all to happen. I respect the fact that Becky and Sarah love him as he is their father, and while I can never see myself visiting New England – if by some miracle I ever do and I see that cock – I will simply squash it.

“I’m dying of cancer…” yeah, right! And I woke up to find myself a foot taller! But him faking a disease or the severity of it is nothing compared to helping to pave the way for the destruction of my life for nearly 3 years before the truth came out and I was vindicated.

I didn’t shed a single tear when I looked at my parents’ photos, though I felt a sting when I looked at Pa, Mom’s dad. He was a great guy. I wonder just how far back the cycle of abuse goes. I knew and saw enough of Nana to see where she’d have been a shitty mother to my own mother. She was big and stern-looking and I can see where her temper would’ve scared the shit right out of my mom. That’s no excuse to carry it on as two wrongs don’t make a right, and an adult should know right from wrong. Or maybe she did and she just never cared. People know smoking and speeding are wrong yet they do it anyway. It’s like with Kim, someone I quit trying to figure out as far as how she thinks or reasons, even though there aren’t many possibilities with her. She lacks empathy and compassion. Therefore, she either doesn’t realize that contacting those who don’t want to be contacted by her is wrong, or she simply doesn’t care about that or what consequences could befall her for it. The latter of the two is most likely the case since she would run and deactivate fake celebrity accounts as soon as she was confronted. That right there showed that she must’ve known that what she was doing was wrong. Why else would she dump the accounts and act guilty as hell?

Back to Tammy. I was surprised yet pleased to hear I’m just as important to her as her girls. Other than her husband and kids, I’m pretty much all that’s left on her side of the family save for some cousins.

I joked with her about how funny it would be to resurrect Nana and our folks just so we could laugh at knowing they were A, homeless, B, clotheless, C, insuranceless, D, foodless, E, moneyless, and F, without a soul to get even my rats’ asses about it.

Now for the good news. The condo finally sold and it wasn’t in foreclosure after all. I might even get something that will hopefully help with the move, but I won’t hold my breath. I’ve falsely gotten my hopes up for money enough times in my life. If I don’t get anything, we’ll still carry on with our plans. It just may take a little longer. Not much we can do till after these fucking holidays anyway. Really wish Christmas were once every 5 years instead of every year!

Later…

When it comes to the people I write about in my blog, I praise the good and bash the bad. But it’s important I let folks know that it’s not done with the intent of offending anyone. I am simply stating my thoughts, feelings, opinions, beliefs and personal experiences. That’s all. At least I don’t use last names. That’s where I definitely draw the line.

Tammy apologized for letting Mom pin her against me and feels bad for it. That’s ok, LOL, I had ill feelings toward her too for a while. But that is so, so Dureen. She would do something like that and I’m sure the number of people she bashed me to was countless. I don’t know why a mother would do that to any child of hers, but I do know that no matter what she or others may’ve said and continue to say, she never truly loved me. The things she did to me were not love. Anything she ever did do for me was done out of a sense of duty and not love.

Still no sign of my period. Even my chest doesn’t have the usual soreness I often get in advance. I could have Amenorrhea, so I just read, but as long as I don’t get the “serious lower back pain” or bone loss it can cause, it can’t hurt me. I wonder if it could be because I’m kind of athletic, although I don’t under-eat and over-exercise. I overeat and exercise an average amount. I eat about 1500 calories on most days and work out about 40 minutes a day. Could afford to lose 30-40 pounds, but since I usually eat more on weekends, I probably never will.

All this death surrounding me is a bit creepy, though, regardless of how much of it my anger may’ve influenced. I wonder if I’m next, but if it’s me influencing any of it, then I should be fine because we usually don’t get angry with ourselves in the way that we can get angry with others, and it’s usually my anger towards a particular person that triggers the negative effects against them. But I wasn’t angry with my rats and my parents were old and ill. So other than Larry, I don’t get this bizarre trend going on. I’m not even mad at Larry anymore. I’m indifferent toward him. I don’t care if he lives or dies, though the statistics for liver cancer do seem pretty grim. If he really truly does have liver cancer, and I can’t see him lying about that any more than I see how that could be misdiagnosed, he should be gone within a year. Liver cancer isn’t usually detected till it’s pretty advanced.

Odd or not, there have been numerous “coincidences” with people getting ill who have somehow crossed me. I was furious with Larry when I first learned he fathered a child and not because he is too old and his mistress too young. In my family, the grandkids tend to inherit as well, and before I knew that my parents’ “wealth” was just an act, however comfortable they may’ve been through most of their lives, I didn’t want this bimbo and the child that shouldn’t have been created to profit in any way. Well, not unless they were given something I didn’t need or want anyway. Yet these days, even though he’s mostly what I’d describe as a jerk with a decent sense of humor, I couldn’t care less if he lived or died. But do I think I unknowingly and unintentionally influenced his disease with my anger? Hmm… it’s possible. Again, the more this happens, the harder it is to write it off as a coincidence. My husband doesn’t think it’s a coincidence.

In fact, the book I’m reading is rather chilling. It’s about people like me. I realize most people who read it would think it was a work of pure fiction, and so would I if I hadn’t experienced mood influencing myself, but I was like, OMG, they’re almost talking about me! It happened just yesterday when the thought of having a cold pissed me off. I had too much to do! Well, it took me 5 hours, but my determination not to be sick eventually willed my body into rejecting the cold.

Anyway, the book was about an influencer much more dangerous than I could ever be. I’ve never levitated and hurled 200-pound bodies at 100 MPH into walls. In the story, there is a little boy who was severely abused. Murders with a supernatural appearance to them were occurring like crazy and this detective who knew the boy was somehow connected, went to a priest about him. The priest knew the boy and his family before they died in a fire. The priest then insisted that there was no ghost or possession taking place and that it was all stemming from the boy’s intense rage.

I’ve probably had this thing most of my life but it has picked up with intensity with time. So your best bet? Don’t piss me off. I mean really, REALLY pisses me off. :)

Later…

I meant the early 2000s. I said in a previous post I hadn’t been on any prescription medication since the 90s, but I meant the early 2000s. That was the last time I was on prescription inhalers and snot spray.

Really wish Kim would stop contacting Andy on Ask. “hooray for fast computers. any big weekend plans for you?” may be a harmless thing to say, but that’s not the point. The point is that I asked her to leave both me AND my friends alone. The dumbfuck just doesn’t get that you can’t just insert yourself into a group of friends and force yourself into their lives. She’s NOT our friend and we’re NOT her friends. Do I really have to have her local police go to her house and explain this to her? I’d rather not have to resort to that, so I really wish she would just bow out of where she’s not wanted before she ends up wishing she listened to me a long time ago. I’ve got nearly 20 years on her. Shouldn’t she go play with those in her own age group?

In the midst of all this death and other sad/scary thoughts, Tom gave me a scare yesterday but only for about 10 minutes. I started getting nervous when I realized he was late getting home. This was because there was a gas leak. They evacuated people and he was going to wait to get his lunch bag and things like that till he decided it wasn’t worth it.

“So your building could’ve blown up like in Springfield?!” I said.

Not in a warehouse, he told me. Guess there’s no place for the gas to collect there.

They wanted him to stay another two hours today, even with the horrible cold he has, but he put his foot down and said no! 10 hours a day is enough! Especially when it’s 5 days a week PLUS 8 hours on Saturday. He may not have to work this Saturday, though, and will be getting another big bonus this week.

We were laughing earlier at how we’ve been waiting on this and waiting on that and NONE of it is because of money. For the first time, it’s all because of a lack of time. Poor guy now has the cough from hell, though.

We talked about it and thought about it some more and we’re actually skeptical about me possibly influencing Larry’s disease. Making one sick by being angry with them is one thing, killing them is another. I have never killed anyone that I know of just by harboring any rage toward them.

I’m just glad, for the first time ever, that I was never close to my parents or brother because I’d be totally losing it by now.

Christine suggested I’m going through perimenopause. It’s an intermittent thing within those in my age group. I just didn’t think I’d skip periods or that they’d be an on-or-off thing like what might be the case with me. I thought you kept getting periods but they got lighter and lighter till they stopped.

My Italian mom’s been in the ground for two months now and would’ve turned 82 yesterday. It’s still so sad to think she’s gone forever. Reading the letter she sent me in 1996 brought a fresh round of tears to my eyes.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2012 Sure enough, really early this morning, the troll looked in on me from Harlingen.

Oh my, do I have lots to update on! First, just to get the trivial things out of the way – this is day 4 of being late for my period. I’m beginning to break records! If I were just a little younger and had a husband who could perform normally in bed I’d be getting nervous. By the weekend I’d be shitting bricks. Then again, I wouldn’t be dumb enough not to use protection if I knew I didn’t want kids. I’d like to think menopause is setting in, but this young and this abruptly? I don’t think so.

Got a cold setting in instead. Yeah, the “influencer” can no longer stop her colds, but she can kill people. Not sure I’d exactly classify this one as “trivial,” though, and I don’t know the details or if what Tammy and Mark were told was bullshit or not, but Larry supposedly has liver cancer and looked and acted ill when they last saw each other down in Florida. As most of those that know me know, especially my husband who has witnessed it, bad things tend to befall those that really piss the shit out of me. I seem to be like Drew Barrymore, only I’m the fire starter without the fire. I have little control over it. I never cared for my brother other than his sense of humor, but if it’s true that he’s dying, then wow. Just wow. My dad died in February. Our beloved rat died in April. My mother died in September. My beloved foster mother died in October. My sister’s been sick as hell. Another rat of ours died last month and now my brother may be getting ready to check out of Hotel Earth. This is getting a bit scary.

So is the prospect of Larry’s spirit being a negative influence against me along with our mother’s. I hope my “heart” mom will protect me from them. Just like I figured that if God can bless, He can curse, well, if some spirits can influence us in positive ways (if we were close to them), why not bad ways, too (if they were assholes)?

I will get into Tammy’s package in the next post, but first, we exchanged messages this morning and FB is REALLY pissing the shit out of me. The people running it need to watch THEIR livers, LOL. I could message Becky, but not Sarah. She straightens her hair, which is something I’d like to do without using damaging things like straightening irons. Well, I’d like to know what she uses to do it with.

Had to explain to her yet AGAIN, thanks to some of my messages not going through, that I can’t just take an hour or two to call her every few days or so, and I wouldn’t even if I didn’t have such tech issues to deal with out here in the boonies. Too busy, and well, I’m just not a phone person, though I told her to feel free to leave me as many voice messages as she’d like since she isn’t big on typing. Retrieving messages isn’t the issue; it’s calling out that’s the problem.

The more we exchange messages, the more I see she really has changed a lot as well as hasn’t changed much. She still harbors a lot of hurt and anger and vengeful ways. But she has grown at the same time a lot of her old self shines through. As long as we’re never neighbors we should be ok. Also, even if she did get pissed at me and seek revenge by calling my local pigs with some tall tale on me, it won’t do her any good in the end when they run their routine checks just to discover there’s no warrant on me. The odds of that happening again would be next to none if I lived another 10,000 years. That was a fluky experience for damn sure. One that could only be set up and carried out by a vengeful God who used Tammy and Bill as an instrument to flush me out to the pigs and welfare bums, and again, If God can love, He can hate. He has hated me most of my life.

Tammy wanted to vent about the usual 3 people – Lisa, Larry and Mom. I guess they weren’t very nice to her when she was in Florida. Lisa spent most of the time at the beach while she paid for her food and cigarettes, mom acted like she was never there, and Larry said some mean, hurtful things to her that Sarah called and really laid into him for it. The poor girl’s taking something for the anxiety, something I warned her to be careful with, knowing firsthand how easy it can be to get hooked on the things.

I’ve seen hideous pics of her kids as well as decent ones, but I’m certainly not going to say that in public, LOL. She sent tons of pics, and a few were of her kids. I’ll cover that in the next entry.

Later…

Ok, now that I’m feeling a little better and think I just might’ve influenced the cold away, after all, I can finally cover the wonderful goodies my sister sent! Most of it, as promised, was some stuff she thought I might want to have from our parents’ condo after they died.

The package mostly contained old photos of my mom’s parents and some I had sent our parents over the years. It’s kind of nice to have them back. When I first refused to talk to my parents for the 10 years that I refused to talk to them, I dumped every single one of their pictures. Well, most of them I actually mailed to Tammy. So for many years, I had no pictures of them except for the few they sent me in their last few years of life. Despite how much I came to despise them for their abuse, it was really neat seeing old pictures, some of which I remembered actually seeing at one point or another in my life. There was even a news clipping I was in as a kid.

We are going to get a new scanner and eventually, I will scan the pics in and post them online. I want to ask my sister about some of them anyway because I know she’ll remember more about them since she’s older. This would be the easiest way to do that rather than trying to describe them by phone. I know who most of the people are in the pics, but some I don’t. Most of the pics are old and of bad quality, so I can’t see them very well with my shitty eyes. I will look at them again later with a magnifier. Andy’s going to get a kick out of one pic in particular, hahaha.

It’s also nice to have pics of Charlotte, even if they’re kind of old. I always loved Char. There were group pics of some of the old beach buddies. Leave it to Bea G to be giving the finger in one of them, LOL.

A couple of years ago I won a gift card to an online flower shop and sent my mom the Mother’s Day present she didn’t deserve – flowers in a gorgeous purplish-mirrored vase. Tammy was nice enough to send me the vase, along with a cute bamboo/panda vase. I love bamboo, so I’ll stick one of our smaller ones in it eventually.

She sent a couple of beautiful decorative large dishes with pink, purple and blue flowers and a decorative throw pillow cover.

There were some papers pertaining to Dad’s days as the president of the Mended Hearts organization, a group he founded for those who had open-heart surgery like he had.

Lastly, she enclosed a beautiful, glittery birthday card with cash and IHOP GCs.

I’m sure there’s more that I’m forgetting, but all of it was super appreciated. I never expected to get another package again in my life unless it was something we ordered, LOL.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2012 I dumped the “Justin” account because I realized that by keeping that up I was being just as bad as Kim by pretending to be someone I’m not. Plus, Aly seems to follow me regularly and the last thing I wanted was to feel like I was deceiving her. She asked if I was behind it and I had to lie and say no because she’s shown she doesn’t always keep my secrets like I thought she did. I don’t think she’s been in touch with Kim for quite a while, but still. I have to be careful with her at least somewhat, and well, the thought of admitting it was me was a bit embarrassing.

Due to Mary joining MyOpera, though she hasn’t done any actual blogging yet, I was quick to warn her about Molly, who not surprisingly, linked to her profile through a comment she left on my own blog. Mary said she doesn’t communicate with many people anyway due to trust issues, so that’s good.

Molly wrote in her blog that she’s waiting to go to the airport (from Austin to southern TX?) and will be home for two weeks. Then she returns to the group home on 12/30, but classes don’t start till 1/7. sighs So I can expect several views a day from her for the next 3 weeks and maybe some comments and questions, too. I am NOT tweaking my settings again! Not for her or anyone else. All I’ll do is hide my friends on Facebook. It goes to show, though, that she hasn’t and never will change. Give it a computer and free time and all it does is play peekaboo. She spent an hour on my blog yesterday.

I couldn’t resist playing with her, though, childish or not. She wished me a great Christmas on Ask as if we were old buddies, and I would reply, then delete. Fucking Ask, though, for not allowing blocked accounts to actually be blocked! I checked and I do have her blocked yet the “question” still went through. She’d have come at me anonymously if she had to, but it’s still frustrating when sites don’t work properly, and of course if I complain to them, they’ll just ignore it. Anyway, once you reply to a non-anonymous question, they get a notice saying you replied. The question also gets sent back to your inbox. So after I would answer and delete the question several times, she would’ve gotten about 5 notices. That’ll no doubt confuse her since she only asked me 1 question.

Someone, that must know at least a little about me, has been asking questions about the rats, what color my nail polish is and questions like that. I always wonder if it’s Kim, but as long as it’s not as obvious as if she were signing her name, I will answer them. I hate to possibly make her think that answering them it makes us buddies in her sick twisted mind, though, cuz she’s the type who would feel and believe we were interacting in such a manner as if I knew it was her.

She must be able to think and figure somewhat since she refuses to contact me out of anonymity. Thank God for this too, because as soon as she throws anonymity to the wind, she could become a real nightmare.

Spent the morning working out and doing some work around here. Unfortunately, Tom has a cold now. I don’t know if it’s something he caught from someone at work or if he’s just overworked, but it is that time of year for that sort of thing.

Tom found that they have countertop dishwashers for around $250, and thought it would be nice to have one. I’d rather just get the fuck out of here and into a nicer, bigger place with one that’s already built-in or that we could install right away. But that’s just not going to happen. No matter how much OT he works and money we save, we’re obviously not meant to move and so we’re not going to do so for many years to come.

But does that mean I want to get a dishwasher and cram it into an already cramped little dive? Hmm… I’m not so sure about that. I’d rather have a full-size washer/dryer but there’s no way in hell we could ever get that in here. I don’t know what I want to do yet, but I do know I agree with him about plowing money into fixing up and expanding someone else’s place. If we did that and Jesse decided to sell out, we’d be fucked out of all our hard work and money. Still, I don’t want to waste time with what isn’t meant to be. This is where we were meant to be, this is our home, and this is where we very well may be meant to stay until Tom retires. So I will only make improvements and adjustments that wouldn’t be of any loss to us if Jesse did decide to either sell out or kick us out cuz some relative who just got a divorce or lost their house in a fire may need a place to live.

Later…

After getting a slew of questions I suspected might be from Kim, mostly asking about the rats, nails, Andy and my weather, I anonymously got: plz don’t post this but it is kim asking you most stuff on here today. don’t encourage her. she thinks you 2 can be friends again. I know Kim and she really misses you she tells me this over and over again.

How the hell can you “really miss” someone you obviously hated all along and still do? Or maybe she once did, feels sorry, and now she just loves me. I don’t know why my friendship is so important to her when she’s got other friends (till she loses them, too) and can make new ones as well. If she could just stop with the lies and impersonations and be herself and herself only, she may be able to make friends that she can actually keep. Meanwhile, and just to set the record straight even though I’ve already done so, I will NEVER be Kim’s friend ever again. There is ZERO chance or hope of our so-called friendship ever being salvaged. It was over half a year ago. Get over it already, I say. If she still can’t get over it that’s her problem because we’ll never ever, under any circumstances, be friends again. If I was dirt poor and she offered to pay me to be her friend, she still couldn’t win me back.

Wish she would turn gorgeous! Then she wouldn’t want a damn thing to do with me after all I’ve had to say about her. Anyone that knows me knows that the crazier and or uglier one is, the more they latch onto me as if I were just as fucked and ugly. It’s just how my shit luck usually goes. As for us ever being buddies again, though? That’s the Kimpossible dream! But she’s welcome to come to my home anytime. That way I could fix things enough to make her a permanently closed chapter of my life not just for me, but for her as well. She’d never have to “miss” me again.

There’s more. Aly had a dream about her she said I could share, but I’m calling her Carla. Well, “Carla” and I were visiting someone who was dark-haired and worked at a daycare where Kim happened to be. Kim was dressed like a little boy with a long Donald Duck jersey, grubby jeans and a backward hat. We entered a room and noticed her talking to a distorted-looking stuffed animal.

We glanced at each other as soon as we realized it was Kim, but it was too late. Before we could leave the room, she spotted us, threw down the stuffed animal, and ran toward us, spit dribbling down her chin.

Carla said that in the dream I had a beautiful silvery-gray and ivory rat with me that Kim saw in my pocket and grabbed before I could stop her. She started singing, “My rat, my rat, look everybody at my rat. It’s not Jodi’s rat, it’s my rat!”

One of us whispered to the other that she was obviously a fruitcake and gently told her that Snowbelle was my rat but that she could continue to pet her as long as she was nice. Kim started laughing and waddled off with the rat who then bit her on the nose and flew out of Kim’s arms and into my hands. Carla said she woke up then, laughing and saying something like “Hooray for flying rats!”

MONDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2012 Loving and hating this rainy weather we’re having! It’s a nice change for variety’s sake, and it keeps Jesse off the Harley and people away from the chainsaws. But I still hate being cold even if it’s better for sleeping and running. Yet that’s how it is half of the year here. It’s either hot and dry or it’s cold and wet.

My sister said it was ok to write about her and her family, so… I’m looking forward to being spoiled all over again with whatever goodies she’s sending tomorrow.

I was surprised she had no idea who Anna and Harry were. Then again, she was in Texas when I was 16. As she said in the comment section, she’d have come for me if she’d known what was going on and wasn’t so fucked up herself from our wonderful mother. Although she feels bad, it wasn’t her fault. She was a victim too, so there really wasn’t anything she could do.

I had to laugh when picturing her, Mark, Becky and Sarah laughing and dancing around the kitchen with Dad’s urn while cooking potato latkes like she said, hahaha. Hey, don’t drop the guy, Mark! He needs to stand guard with a nail-studded bat should his wife try to come and haunt us.

I feel much better today, though I am still saddened over the loss of Anna and my chance to tell her one last time how much I loved her for caring about me the way she did when no one else would. Tammy agreed that any woman who would love me when my own parents wouldn’t had to be wonderful. Well, let’s just say that should my bio mom and my “heart” mom be waiting for me at the Tunnel of Light when I die, it’s my heart mom’s hand I will be taking.

I’m also still wondering just what the hell was up with my sudden thoughts and memories of her a couple of days ago and my need to find her. Was it just a coincidence? My psychic side sensing something was up? Or was it really Anna herself come to say goodbye from the other side? Had she died 5 years ago I’d have been more likely to think it was a coincidence, but when I learned she died two months ago, I didn’t know what to think.

So why am I two days late for my period? No, I can’t be knocked up. Fortunately, I’m too old. I hope this is a sign of menopause setting in, but I doubt it. I’m not that old yet.

Later…

I need to start keeping better notes, as sometimes not even I can understand my own notes. It took me a minute to realize that “blank” was “blanket,” but yeah, that’s one of the things I got at Target yesterday.

The blanket is so much softer than our plain cream-colored blanket and has a rose print with a pink satiny ruffle for trim. It’s a little heavier than I realized. It’s like two blankets in one, and I’m both glad and not so glad I got it. Heavier blankets and comforters aren’t good for beds with memory foam toppers, but it’s pretty and the other comforters are old. One of them is a hideous dark green plaid design my parents sent me. I’ll definitely need something lighter in the summer, though.

I got my lifelike baby doll a pack of onesies in pale pink, pink, purple, orange and green. It makes her look even more realistic because it covers both her shoulder joints and her old faded diaper.

I got a pair of rainbow panties with a zebra print, a headband with pink gems, glitter polish with pink hearts, beeswax lip balm, 6 Champion C9 girls’ large sports bras in assorted colors, and a goldish-colored cross-body purse. It’s great no longer having to carry handbags and to be hands-free when out and about. Now I just have to get the proper glasses so I can see where I’m going.

Curious about their new grocery section we checked it out and I found the biggest green grapes I’ve ever seen in my life. I also got some seafood goodies – bacon-wrapped scallops and crab cakes. Nothing I buy on a regular basis, so it was a real treat.

Got some fruity teas at another store and find the cherry and blueberry to be too tart. The peach is great, though. Haven’t tried the mixed berries or blackberry yet.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2012 My real mom who wasn’t my real mom. That’s how I would describe Anna Lucia B, now that I know how to spell the damn name right, including her maiden name. I am so, so very heartbroken to learn of my beloved Italian foster mommy’s death exactly two months ago yesterday. She was the mother I never had and I could really kick myself for not staying in touch after leaving Phoenix. I thought about her on and off throughout the years and she always remained dear to me in my heart. The fond memories I have is something I will always cherish. But now it’s too late to say goodbye and I am so, so saddened. Funny how I have cried buckets of tears for this woman while I never shed a tear when I lost my bio mom the previous month.

I’m really glad the year is almost over for there’s been an awful lot of death this year, even if some of those that died won’t be missed. I’m just sorry I couldn’t hug the woman who should’ve been my mom one last time and that I never got to say goodbye.

But maybe she said goodbye to me. Yeah, that’s where it gets weird. I don’t know for sure what happened but something happened that has me not 100% convinced of the afterlife, but that makes me suspect a little more that there really may be one.

Let me back up first and say that as an adult who is much smarter than she was at 16, I can see where some might’ve been deceived by my real parents, who just had to put on a show about just about everything. Including the fact that someone (my high school music teacher? He was the only one I confided in back then and one of the few guys I was totally hot for) reported them for abuse and caused them to lose custody of me. Just wanted to set the record straight before I move on. Knowing my parents, they would’ve covered something like that up big time. If they would want to cover up their finances, they would certainly want to cover up that. Image was everything to them. But no, as much as they loved to ship me off to various places, they didn’t give me up because they thought it would “make things better,” or because they thought it would “do me some good.” They lost me because they couldn’t be decent parents to me. And no, I didn’t see them for a year not because they thought it would be best to “let me get settled first.” It was because they weren’t allowed to see me. Being the naïve kid that I was at the time, though, I bought all their lies, stories and excuses.

Anna, who was also called just Anne, and her husband of what was then 20 years (Harry) owned a group home for physically and mentally challenged adults. They owned 7 large houses in Springfield and a modest home of their own in West Springfield. I lived in the main house which they would occasionally spend nights at, and sometimes I was taken to stay with them in their regular home as well. I was the only minor living there and the only foster child they ever had. Why them, I do not know. I was pretty fucked in the head at the time and I still had suicidal tendencies despite how much happier I was with them. Hey, you can’t fix this kind of stuff overnight and undo the damage caused by years of abuse in just a matter of weeks or even months. So I was probably hard to place and that’s why Anna and Harry were kind enough to take me.

The minute I stepped foot into the place and was greeted with a loving smile by the slightly plump fifty-something woman of average height and short dark hair and eyes, I felt right at home. Harry, who was always an easy-going teddy bear in my eyes, contrasted in looks with his light eyes and gray hair.

They loved me unconditionally and accepted me as a whole. They never tried to put any kind of restrictive chains on me that made me feel imprisoned in any way. At Valleyhead if you so much as dared step outside for a breath of fresh air, that was automatic restriction.

With the passage of so much time, I remember only bits and pieces of my much too brief time with the Italian couple that truly loved me. It was 30 years ago, after all. I know they tried to gain custody of me, and that it was even a done deal at one point because I specifically remember being all excited and saying to Anna, “You mean I get to stay with you till I’m 18?” Anna grinned ear to ear and nodded her head happily.

I used to love to help serve dinner to the 50 or 60 people who came to the main house each night. Made me feel oh so grown up, LOL. Then I would eat with them and a few other relatives of theirs in the big kitchen in back, sharing occasional scraps with Max, the large German shepherd that was their guard dog, after Anna’s mother Kate, who had started the business, was maced and robbed one day, not long before she died.

Days were spent helping out around the house, nights were spent relaxing to music in my room above “Mom and Dad’s” on the third floor. It was late spring, so the weather was gorgeous. I would be invited to mom and dad’s regular home for swimming and barbecues every so often as well.

And then one day it all came to an end like a car screeching to a halt and I have no idea why. I can only guess my parents got in the way. Or maybe it was my own stupidity since I was still cutting myself, and then one night I called them from the office phone, something I wasn’t supposed to do.

Next thing I know I’m in the state psych ward for a week of hell where old ladies loved to beat me over the head in the bathroom with their handbags, and younger ones liked to sit in bed in their cubicles and masturbate, while the staff was just as crazy as the patients. I wished all they liked to do was weave baskets and sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes like Napoleon’s song says.

After a week of surviving that jungle, it was off to a black woman and her highly scary friend where I wouldn’t be fed very much or very often. I left there a month or two later at just 85 pounds, bound for two years of hell at Valleyhead. I suffered severe depression there and even tried to take my life.

I saw Anna and Harry a few more times both as a kid and as an adult, then we exchanged a few calls and letters from Arizona. I was around 30 when we were last in touch. Like I said, I don’t know why we didn’t keep in touch. Maybe I felt they were too busy or just not into it or something, though I know they truly loved me and that I was like the daughter they never had. Anna once said she’d have had 6 kids had she not needed a hysterectomy after her one child, a son, was born. They loved me as one of their own, but they never tried to replace my real parents. They even hoped things would get better between my real parents and me.

I wonder if they’d be impressed with all the Italian I’ve learned, LOL. I don’t think they spoke it. At least I don’t remember them speaking it, though Anna sure was proud to be Italian.

It was about a week or two ago when she popped into mind and the urge to contact them before it was too late came over me. I never stopped thinking of them from time to time, but now I wanted to make contact. Too many years had gone by as it was. But it was like they fell off the face of the earth and never existed. I couldn’t find the business or any phone numbers or obituaries or anything. I even checked listings and obits in Florida knowing that many New Englanders retire there, though it never struck me as anything she would do.

I thought she would now be about 85 and that Harry would be a bit older and that they could very well be gone or not have much time to go if I didn’t hurry up and find them. As silly as it may sound, at 47 years of age I wished I could run to my Italian foster mom for one last hug. Everybody loved her. She was a hard-working, caring, compassionate soul who didn’t take any shit from anyone but who wasn’t the negative, domineering control freak my bio mom was either. For some reason, my sister was the only one who ever expressed any ill feelings for her and Harry. I assume it had to do with them wanting custody of me. It’s ok, whatever it is, but I’ll have to ask her sometime just out of curiosity.

Unable to find them, I let it go until yesterday, which was when things got slightly strange. Like I said, I don’t know what, if anything, really happened, but it kind of made me wonder. Anna came storming into my mind like a gush of wind from a hurricane and she would just not leave it. Random memories of the few months we spent together paraded through my mind like movie clips and I suddenly burst into tears, missing the hell out of her. She, Harry, their long-dead dog Max, and myself, were running through a field in some of the images that played through my mind. It was a beautiful, warm summer day and I ran ahead of them, giggling like a kid again without a care in the world. Max chased me playfully and then we would stop and let Mom and Dad catch up to us before we would run off again.

Now I just had to know where she was. Still unable to find her, I went to bed still in tears. I prayed to God for help in finding her, dead or alive, something I don’t usually do.

In the midst of past memories, several possibilities came to mind. Maybe all this thinking about her all of a sudden and the strong desire to find her was just because I missed her. Or maybe she was thinking of me quite a bit all of a sudden and I was just picking up on the thought vibrations. Maybe the obit site was messed up or maybe she was still alive and I wasn’t REALLY sensing her presence and that she now had a better understanding of what I’d gone through in life as I lay there in the dark. After all, I hadn’t sensed my own parents since they died. And so “Peanuts,” as she often called me, fell asleep with thoughts of her Italian mother spilling over into her dreams. I don’t remember the dreams, though.

Having studied Italian, I thought about the way I had been spelling the name of the business when I woke up and realized it made no sense. It was just all wrong. Maybe the same went for Mom’s name. So I got up the next morning, made my coffee, tried a few spelling variations on the name, and then I found her obit. pauses to wipe tears I burst into another round of tears. My eyes are redder and more swollen than when my real dad died and I feel like someone threw sand in them. What stunned me was learning that she was 81, only a year older than my real mom. She would be turning 82 in a few days if she were still alive. She smoked for a long time, so maybe cancer killed her, but I have no idea what it actually was.

I’m also shocked to learn that Harry’s still alive. If I’m as devastated as I am, I can just imagine how Harry and the rest of the family must feel. I’m so, sorry it’s too late and that I never got the chance to say goodbye, but was happy to read she passed peacefully in her sleep at home, surrounded by friends and family.

As sad as I feel, we carried on with things as planned, though Tom offered to take me for my belated birthday shopping spree some other time. I knew getting out would help perk me up and take my mind off things if only for a while, so we went to Target. I’ll write about that some other time.

Another weird thing this morning was the rat. I picked Romeo up for his usual hug and kiss. He sat in my arms very calmly. Then all of a sudden he completely freaked out on me. I don’t know what the hell it was but something must’ve terrified him cuz he leaped out of my arms and hid behind the blinds for a few minutes before he would approach me. I hate to ask, but did he see a ghost or something? And were last night’s feelings, thoughts, memories and dreams of the loving woman, who ironically died just 60 days ago, just a coincidence? Or was it her way of grabbing my attention so she could say goodbye? I guess I’ll never know. Meanwhile, I left my condolences.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2012 Tammy picked up my message to her but didn’t answer my questions about when she’s going to Mass General or if she likes MO better than MD. Does she just not feel like answering for some reason, or does she not want me to know these things, especially about the blogs? She hasn’t shown up on my report lately, which makes me think I was right in suspecting she doesn’t want to be tracked and is, therefore, sticking to MD. Then again, who knows how often she even goes there? Maybe she only goes once or twice a month if even that.

Part of me wishes she’d give me a reason to dump her before we move to an address we’ll be at for at least a decade. An even bigger part hopes she’ll return from the doctor with “deadly” news, but I know I couldn’t get that lucky.

Damn, nearly 30 people were killed in a school shooting in Connecticut! And at an elementary school?! Usually, it’s colleges and high schools, but now they’re taking this shit to elementary schools?! It just reaffirms what a sad twisted world we live in along with my hatred for a God that could sit back and allow this shit to happen.

Too bad a certain someone in that state couldn’t have taken one of the bullets. Instead, she’s allowed to play online all day, harassing people at the taxpayer’s expense. Sooner or later, however, the street laws will catch up to the cyber laws and start dealing with these brainless, jobless, hopeless happy little losers who do nothing but have loads of fun wasting space on earth and being a nuisance to anyone who has the misfortune of crossing their paths. I decided, though, that I’m not going to let them control me into tweaking settings and spoiling my fun. I hate letting them make me feel like I can only “partially” use a site. So I will re-allow anonymous questions on Ask and just keep saving the years and years of unwanted and unanswered contact for future laws that will hopefully scare these sickos straight.

Unlike Molly, who likes me to know when she comes around, Kim still prefers to hide in anonymity.

Some of the modern single-wides are pretty amazing compared to this old single-wide. In the 60s they weren’t allowed to make them wider than 10’. Then it became 12’ in the 70s. These days they have 2-bed, 2-bath, 14’-wide singles, fully loaded with all the modern appliances. They’re about 800 square feet and would be plenty sufficient enough for us. They even have pitched roofs. My main preference is still a doublewide that’s between 1000-1500 square feet, but a modern single is still appealing if the price and location are right.

Sure hope the old man in my dream last night is a good sign, cuz right now I feel like we’re a million years ago from moving. I don’t expect to be out of here before 2014-2015 with our change of plans and shaky credit.

In the dream, I was jogging down a street and knew I was in a senior community. An old man was sitting on his front porch when he asked, “Are you old enough to live here?”

“No,” I said with a polite smile, “but my husband is.”

Poor Tom is sooo tired of all the OT despite the mad money he’s making (nearly a grand a week) and it sucks cuz no one else is complaining. That’s because they want the extra money for the holidays, and they also don’t make nearly as much as he does. What’s scary is that this is their SLOW time. So what happens in January? Does he have to work 66 hours a week then instead of 56? We’re never going to get anything done around here at that rate! We still haven’t even fully set up the hotspot yet but are hoping to do so this weekend. At least he’s not only making great money and providing us with great benefits, but he’s now got over a week’s worth of vacation time, and we’re both looking forward to shopping tomorrow with the two $50 Target cards they gave him.

I made the comment to Tom this morning about it being shockingly quiet yesterday, but he said the dogs went off around 6pm (I was already in bed) for 15 minutes that he knows of until he too, went to bed. If he said it was between 7pm – 8pm I’d worry the nighttime weekend outings were back on again for the Jes pest, but at that hour he was probably just bringing his kid home. Besides, I haven’t heard anything since getting up at 1am. When he would take off between 7pm – 8am for the whole night, the dogs would bark consistently till around midnight. Then they’d taper off to scattered fits till around 3am – 4am, but I haven’t heard anything.

Later…

Thought I was done journaling for the day but I’m too pissed off not to be even though I knew damn well that this would happen. I “saw” it years ago. Partly thanks to the bastard above that just loves to not only protect my perps but also see to it that I don’t get shit from them, my parents’ fucking condo has gone into foreclosure.

Congratulations, God. You managed to add insult to injury one more time. Oh, this may not be nearly as infuriating and humiliating as being dragged through the legal system by my own perps, perps of a different kind, but it’s just one more slap in the face from God, as far as I’m concerned. AND my parents, particularly my mother. After all, God may’ve allowed her to do what she did and even “guided” her into doing it so as to cheat me out of getting anything in the end from the woman who happily kicked, slapped, threatened, cut me down and made my life miserable for years, but that’s just our twisted God for you. If He was any good, 26 innocent people wouldn’t have lost their lives in Connecticut the other day.

What my crazy, mean bitch of a mother did was spend and spend and spend as if money were flying out of her ass as often as she breathed. I don’t know if she even knew what the hell she was doing, especially in the end, but I do believe Tammy when she says that Dad was kept in the dark. She was supposedly taking out loans and maxing out credit cards like crazy behind his back. I miss my dad at times despite his enabling, look-the-other-way ways, but I REALLY hope that bitch is rotting in hell.

Meanwhile, it’s even more obvious that the bastard doesn’t want us getting any breaks in life just by the fact that the exact same condo across the fucking street from theirs sold for 120K.

I didn’t put this much in public even though she probably wouldn’t mind, but Tammy has Fibromyalgia and Fibrosis, and Lisa’s been ordered never to contact her again. Oh, and Becky and Sarah supposedly say that even if she got help, they would never forgive her. Again, I don’t know what happened but it must be pretty bad.

I appreciate Tammy for understanding that if her ex suddenly materialized in this room I would rip the shit out of him limb by limb. And I’m not afraid or ashamed to say so! This applies to a few others as well. Tammy says she and Mark have caught him in so many lies. The latest was his saying he doesn’t have much longer to live, yet he looked fine when they saw him.

I knew it. I just knew that bastard was faking the cancer or at least seriously playing it up.

With or without my sister involved, and right or wrong on my part, had he just done the adult thing and let me go off on his machine about abusing my sister and her kid like I did then deleted the fucking message instead of running like a spoiled, vindictive little boy to the cops, the warrant out for my arrest for my other perps that no one knew about would’ve remained unknown to us (we had no mail services where we were at the time), and I wouldn’t have lost half a year of my life and thousands of dollars, not to mention all the emotional stress and anguish I experienced. The warrant would have eventually expired due to the type of warrant it was and if it didn’t I wouldn’t have had any other reason to have police contact. Therefore I wouldn’t have had to be victimized all over again by old neighbors only this time through the law.

Ask me who I could never forgive and the answer will always be the same – her ex, the people involved in legally railroading me, and God for letting it happen. No amount of writing, therapy, soothing music, bubble baths or chocolate can ever change that. Sorry, but that’s just the way it is. Some things we can forgive, some we can’t. They should at least be thankful I’m not using full names even though I don’t owe them even that much and am not obligated to do so.

I appreciate the hell out of Tammy for letting me vent. She has never tried to tell me I’m wrong for the way I feel or for what I believe and I appreciate that. She was saying how we have a bond cuz of our parents, and regardless of any past problems or the things that make us different from each other, not even I can deny that.

While it’s great for her that her condition is not fatal, God hates me so much that I’m almost amazed it isn’t cuz then we wouldn’t have anyone to run to if He feels He just has to beat us over the head with money again. I suppose He could pick on us in other ways.

When I saw a group of cops hugging on Facebook after witnessing all the innocent children killed in the latest massacre, even I was touched. So many of them are nothing but corrupt, power-hungry bastards without a care in the world for anyone but themselves. They often seem to fail to keep in mind that it’s OUR tax dollars that pay their salaries. And it’s supposed to be for them to protect and serve, not bully and manipulate. Everything with them is macho this, macho that. They walk and talk with their all-mighty, tough little attitude that they might as well wear signs saying: I’m better than you, I’m the one in control, and I’m the one that’s going to win.

Yeah, it’s often about control with them, sadly, as opposed to justice. I have no respect for anyone in the system, let alone much faith in it to begin with, but the picture was undeniably touching. Not even I could deny that much. It’s too bad that it takes such an atrocity to bring out their human side no matter how “detached” they may be trained to be, and no matter what anger issues they may harbor that made them want to take a job as an authority figure in the first place so that they could act out some of their aggression and whatever else that may motivate them.

Like it or not, every nightmare has its blessing. Those poor little kids will never have to grow up to learn just how fucked up this world truly is. And just like I won’t get shit from my parents, neither will my nieces.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2012 How could I forget to mention that as soon as I created the Justin account on Ask to try to pull Molly’s attention away from me, Kim immediately began impersonating Molly, and then claimed to be “Janice.” Kim’s too obvious, though, so I could tell it was her. Wonder who she’s impersonated me to? There’s really no end to who she’ll pretend to be and she obviously wants to be anybody but herself. When Molly came out, non-anonymously, and insisted she hadn’t messaged “Justin” and that it was Kim pretending to be her, it was the first time I actually believed something the loon said. Regardless, I’m sick of Justin so I’m giving him a break for a while. I’m sure they’ll be checking regularly, though, to see if he’s back, LOL, so at least I’ve given them somewhat of a diversion.

Andy said what I figured he’d say – that Tammy should be ashamed of herself for wanting to get revenge on her own kid. Also, if she could hurt her own kid, she could hurt me again. He said he wouldn’t burn the bridge, but would also let her do the contacting. That way she’ll see I’m not into the “relationship” much and will eventually fade away. That’s just the problem, though. She’d never just fade away. Tammy doesn’t fade. You’re pretty much either in her life or you’re not, and if you are, it’s either in a positive way or in a way you won’t like at all. I’m just glad our parents are gone so I don’t have to deal with them getting caught up in the middle of things and taking sides should any future shit come down.

I totally agree, though, that if she could hurt Lisa, she could hurt me. Getting on her bad side would certainly cause me an awful lot of headaches I simply don’t need. Tammy isn’t one to let you ignore her that easily. So I’ll keep it friendly unless she gives me a good reason to make her inevitable cyberbullying worth it. Unfortunately, though, unlike Kim and Molly, she has 2 of our 3 phone numbers and our address. We no longer have a setup that would cost us money to have to go in and delete any unwanted calls, but I’m not sure I’m comfortable with her having all this info. She’s the type that would call my local cops and say I threatened her if she were pissed enough. Even if I didn’t do anything she could legally get me with in the end, who needs the hassles of the pigs coming to my door and me having to explain to them that she’s just a vengeful bitch, just ignore her and pay no attention to her hogwash, etc.?

When I first became rather sociable online, dealing with and observing vengeful, vindictive, spiteful, immature people hell-bent on revenge and stalking, as if they were still in high school or something, wasn’t part of the plan. I’m both saddened and appalled by all the so-called adults out there who feel they have nothing better to do than “get” people who have pissed them off. Unless someone does something huge to them – and I mean HUGE – why is it so damn hard for people to just let go of and ignore others if they’re not getting along or they don’t like each other? There’s a difference between revenge and justice, and unless you’ve got a guilty conscience, please don’t automatically assume I’m talking about any one person specifically. I’m talking about people in general that I have observed on a regular basis.

I may not know it all, nor do I know every detail of every situation, but spiting someone for saying something you didn’t want to hear is revenge. Having someone arrested and tried for burning your house down or trying to kill you is justice. The system may often be unjust, but I would certainly recommend giving it a try and hoping for the best IF something big was done to you.

Yet I see 60-year-olds wanting to spite others for petty shit and I am literally embarrassed as hell for them. I am mostly a silent observer for a few reasons. I don’t like to get involved in other people’s problems that don’t concern or pertain to me in any way, and I also find following blogs regularly rather frustrating because the few people that have actually been interesting enough to hook my interest (yes, I’m hard to please and impress) don’t seem to stick with it for long or they change accounts. So I don’t always see all that goes on and am not always up to date on matters.

What I have seen is a prime reminder of how much low self-esteem and a lack of self-respect are out there. That one would waste time following and harassing those that can’t stand them and that they supposedly dislike as well, goes to show just how little they must value themselves.

It’s ok to be angry and to write about your feelings, even if it’s in a public blog. But it’s not ok to act like a high school kid and stalk, follow and seek revenge on others all the while you try to drag others into it. Sweat the big things, folks, not the little things, for it’s only going to make you look small, weak, childish and dumb in the eyes of others. And when we spend so much energy sweating every little thing we don’t like or agree with, we find we don’t have the energy left for the positive things worth focusing on in life.

Right or wrong, I’m sure people will continue to spite themselves and make themselves look bad while trying to get at others. I may not be perfect myself, but it still sickens me to see so much of this shit going on. It’s not always easy to ignore those you don’t like cuz sometimes they just don’t want to let us have the luxury of ignoring them, but you don’t have to lower yourself to their level either.

Years ago I used to be a very vengeful person myself and was a very miserable and immature person. As I said, I’m not perfect, but upon growing up and gaining maturity and self-respect, I see just how silly and childish I truly was when I look back on my old self. I try not to judge other people and their ways, but some things are just plain wrong by any normal, reasonable set of standards. But just like I’m not going to suddenly believe God is good just because one may want me to or tell me to, you can’t “talk” someone into being a better person. I know that. Only they can do that IF they want to.

Someone once asked if I’d bash a cyber friend of mine I’ve been super close with (not Nane) for years if our friendship ended. No, I wouldn’t because if our friendship ever ended (and I sure hope it doesn’t and highly doubt it will, though people have tried to come between us) she’s much too intelligent and mature to resort to the kind of kiddy crap drama Kim has resorted to which would be the only reason I’d have anything bad to say about her. Although she may be bummed out about it, I’m sure she would simply accept that our friendship was over and focus her attention on positive things and those who are still in her life in a positive way. So the furthest I would go would be to simply say that our friendship ended and I may or may not say why.

However, as soon as you’ve crossed the line into cyberbullying like Kim has, then I have no qualms about hurting your feelings or angering you with something I may have to say about you. How you take it is up to you and I’m not going to care anymore at that point.

As for me personally, I don’t care if someone wrote in their blog that I was a mass murderer and used my full name because words cannot hurt me. Remember the old adage: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

Well, for the most part, that’s true! Throw sticks and stones my way, however, and then you’ve taken things to a whole new level. I won’t let myself be afraid to fight back like I used to be and I won’t care how “high up” in society you may be or what your status, title or friends are like.

Information is knowledge, and with knowledge comes potential trouble for those of us who may not deserve it. Therefore, I’m picky about what sensitive info I give to those who have abused it in the past or that I don’t feel has changed or that I can trust. Yeah, folks, sometimes the people who are supposed to love or at least care for us the most will be the first to throw us to the wolves if we piss them off.

Not sure how much longer I’ll disallow anonymous questions on Ask. I blocked them due to the troll’s same old lame shit, but I feel controlled this way and I miss the fun of anonymous questions other than those from the same damn two crazy chicks that just can’t seem to get enough of me. But in allowing for anonymous comments I then give THEM the control. So… I think I’ll keep things the way they are for a while.

Later…

Why does everyone want me to call them all of a sudden??? I love my friends and family but I am NOT a phone person. Can you get that? Please quit trying to make me something I’m not and to get me to do something I have no desire to do when it’s so much more convenient to keep in touch online. You’re welcome to leave me voice messages, but I’m a little too busy (even if I was a phone person) to take an hour or two out of my hectic schedule every few days to chat.

I’ll catch up on calls if my poor husband can ever get enough free time to set up our hotspot so I can use the MagicJack. Meanwhile, whether one has money or not, it’s foolish to spend money on minutes for the cell when I can just use my computer phone once we get it up to speed which only costs just $20 a year. Really, folks, if it’s not an emergency, why would I want to burn up minutes just to discuss the same things that can be discussed online? Even for free it’s pretty pointless unless you have a ton of stuff to say.

Speaking of friends and family, I had a dream that a friend was teaching me self-defense, only I never got the chance for any “defense,” LOL. I don’t think she’d want me to mention the other dreams, with or without her name mentioned.

I had what classifies as a total nightmare when I dreamt of having to go live with my sister, hahaha. That would have to mean Tom and I were broker than broke. Plus my sister and I are still too different. Our personalities and interests differ to the point that we’d probably clash like hell. The strange part was that she was calling one of her kids Melanie.

Why all the wet dreams lately, some of which are with characters from past books of mine? I got it on with an Italian hottie a few nights ago, and last night it was a Latina hottie.

I’m doing laundry now (the hose just needed to be tightened) and enjoying the peace until Jesse or his mutts steal it.

Tom and I are amazed at how much more effective a Waterpik is compared to flossing. We were skeptical at first but even on lower pressure settings it’s kicking out shit from between our teeth we didn’t even know was there. Tom said it was disgusting, LOL, to learn he had all that stuff in his mouth when he didn’t even feel like he had anything there. He did know that he had a build-up of tartar on his lower teeth, however, and says even that’s been getting knocked off little by little.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2012 When someone views my blog for 49 minutes through a proxy I can’t help but wonder if it’s someone I know. There were also some IP#s said to be reported as spam forums when I ran the numbers.

Now for something that kind of disturbs and even worries me. This will have to be kept private for sure, but it’s about Tammy. She wants me to help her spite Lisa and I absolutely refuse to get involved or take sides. She didn’t literally ask me to get involved or take sides, but as I’ve mentioned, the two things she loves to bitch about when we talk on or offline are her health issues and all the problems Lisa’s supposedly causing the family. This time she went a step further, asking if I could find out what nursing home she works at in Mystic, CT. She and the others want to get her in trouble. Something about her taking a picture of herself showing off her new heels after getting worker’s comp for a bad back. People that cheat the system piss me off too, and there are people that genuinely need things like welfare, worker’s comp and disability and the cheaters help ruin it for them, but this is her DAUGHTER for God’s sake! Am I missing something here or is it just plain wrong for a mother to seek what seems like a form of revenge on her own daughter AND pit her other kids and husband against her as well? Is there really no end to whom she will spite when crossed by them? Or at least when she thinks she’s been crossed by them?

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know the whole story (she said she’d tell me if I called), and I got a taste of Lisa’s craziness myself a few years ago when we were all bickering. So I know for a fact that Lisa’s unbalanced. She’s lied to me, she’s made false accusations against me, and I saw a lot of Molly in her in just those few messages we exchanged. But how much of her craziness is Tammy influenced? And Bill, and maybe Mark, too.

Again, I don’t know the whole story, but what she said to me and what I saw on Becky’s wall shows that her vindictiveness still lives on, She spited me in 2000 and then again in 2009 with her vengeful evilness and apparently, she hasn’t changed a bit. Piss her off and she’ll do everything she can to make you miserable whether you deserve it or not.

All Tammy would say was that the last 4 days have been terrible with Lisa’s threats and harassment. Also, Sarah was especially hurt cuz she stuck by her when no one else would and they’ve come to the end of the road with her. She asked if we were Facebook friends, but we’re not and we never will be.

Again, I don’t know the whole story, but when I saw Tammy, Sarah and Becky openly bashing her on Becky’s public wall, it again made me wonder who I was associating with and if it was worth the risk to have her as a backup for the next poor spell.

I had decided to dump her as soon as both parents were gone, but then I hung onto her because she had been nice enough to deal with wrapping up Mom and Dad’s lives mostly by herself, all the while keeping me up to date on what was going on. Then she offered to send us some stuff and told me not to hesitate to call for help if we ever needed money. I’ll admit I didn’t want to burn that bridge too quickly. Not many people would help a little let alone to the degree she would and that wasn’t something I just wanted to throw away. She’d send us tickets and put us up in the basement apartment they had made for Becky till she and Sarah got an apartment together and give Tom a job working with Mark. How many people would do that much for us even if they could? Not many! So I’ll be the first to admit I was hesitant to just throw that kind of backup away, even if the LAST thing we’d ever want to do is run to Tammy of all people. Remember, she helped get me in jail, however indirectly it may’ve been, by exposing me to the welfare bums and corrupt pig that were after me. If she hadn’t defended her abusive husband, I never would’ve known there was a warrant out for me in the first place, but thanks to her flushing me out like that when they came to talk to me about threatening Bill (and I was truly guilty of that much), they routinely checked and discovered the bench warrant. No, she didn’t know about the warrant any more than we did, but that doesn’t change the fact that she still helped me lose 6 months of freedom and thousands of dollars, and put me through an untold amount of stress, depression, and anger. And don’t forget my husband. He too was affected by all the spite, legal or not. In seeking legal revenge upon me, they hurt my husband, too. I’m all for seeking justice but not revenge, and clearly what she and the bums/cop did was nothing other than revenge with a capital R. Going after someone who beat you up, burned your place down or stole your car, is totally different.

So… I’m not against getting justice, but I am against getting revenge. I know they don’t always let us, but we should really just try to ignore those we don’t like or have a problem with. Is it just me or does anyone else I share this with agree that a mother trying to get her daughter in trouble (even if she really doesn’t have a bad back), and openly condemning her on FB is just plain wrong? Lisa may not have been able to see it, though, if they all have her blocked. Still, aren’t mothers supposed to not take sides?

If I pulled back and looked at Tammy as just Tammy and not my sister, then asked myself if I would be friends with her, the answer would be no. She’s not my type to buddy with. We don’t have much in common at all. Never have. But unless things get worse, I’m afraid to dump her cuz not only will we have burned a possible safety net, it will then be my turn, once again, to be harassed by her, and God knows what she may do next time. If I do ever feel I have reason enough to dump her I won’t hesitate to do so as there’s only so much shit I’ll take from people, but I’ll bow out silently and not go off on her on my way out, cuz that’d really fuel her fire. I will admit a part of me is amused at the idea of simply going dumb on her.

Her: Where have you been? Why don’t you answer my calls and messages anymore?

Me: I don’t know who you are. You must have me mixed up with someone else.

Her: It’s Tammy, your sister, goddamnit!

Me: Who? I don’t have a sister. I’m an only child.

LOL, well, my blogs sure do say otherwise, but it’s still a funny thought. Right now, though, dealing with Kim and Molly is enough, and being annoying isn’t reason enough to get rid of the drama queen. There’s only so much I’d take from anyone, though, so if bad things start happening…bye-bye I go even if that means throwing our life jackets to the wolves, and there really isn’t anything to say we’ll never be poor again. What can happen once can happen twice, though it has happened thrice. Oh yeah, God loves to make bums out of us, but I promise Him and myself, I won’t always live like a bum. Regardless of what we have for money, someday we WILL have a decent home.

It’s true, though. Poverty can happen to anyone, anytime, including us. He could get laid off right now. In about 7-8 months we would run out of money if he were unable to find a job by then, and then we could be right back in the same boat we were in last year. My optimistic side says, “God doesn’t hate you guys that much.” My realistic side says, “The hell He doesn’t!” Seriously, if this happened, God would NOT be looking out for us.

Back on topic. I told Tammy that I wouldn’t know where to begin to find out the information she wants on Lisa (it’s true). I also told her I felt it best not to get involved for obvious reasons.

I don’t know just how messed up Lisa is, but I remember a part of me felt bad for Molly’s parents (until I realized just what enablers they are) after the way Molly wrote in an old blog of hers how she dreamed of stabbing them in their sleep and how she was funny farmed (even though her mother could’ve had her arrested), for threatening suicide and attacking them. Well, I don’t know if she just threatened to kill them or if she actually made an attempt to attack them, but I know her father had to subdue her, so to speak. She wrote of him pinning her down in a chair when she was supposedly out of control one night.

Well, just how out of control is Lisa??? She can’t be too crazy if she can hold a job and a long-term relationship like she is said to be doing. sighs I think the whole family’s just fucked up. It’s as simple as that. I’m the only one that came out so fluky but oh so normal at the same time, LOL.

I told her about the dream I had of her dying last June, but that I wouldn’t worry much about it since I also dreamed Alison died yet she never did.

Thinking of how these sisters have been fighting doesn’t surprise me. Lisa had told me she was close to them before going off on me a few years ago, and even Mom said that, too. Yet I remember thinking to myself that this might change in time. I got that one right, all right. Regardless, God didn’t love me enough to give me a good family, but he sure gave me a great husband and friends. :) That helps make up for it.

Later…

Had a busy morning, along with the usual annoyances from up at Jesse’s place. The loud truck, some barking, and who knows what else is to come. It’s still prime Jes pest time, so we’ll see. Maybe the motorcycle? I’m kind of surprised I haven’t heard it already.

Right now I’m bloated to hell and I have a bit of a backache, too. Can’t wait to trade these periods in for hot flashes. Especially when it’s in the 30s and 40s out there. It’s not even January and I miss the summer already, even though the cold is so much better for sleeping and working out.

Romeo, being the little devil that he is, likes to push some of the bedding out and make a mess on the floor around the cage. I don’t know what the reason for this is. Is he trying to build some kind of privacy wall? If he wants privacy, what’s wrong with the wooden burrow or the tube? He does spend most of his sleeping time in the tube while Sugar prefers the burrow, so who knows why he does the silly things he does.

Sick of cleaning up after him I added the wire mesh flooring that goes just above the bottom rim of the cage. That way they can’t actually reach the bedding. While I was doing this, the only place I could think of to put the two of them while still being able to keep an eye on them was in the kitchen pail, LOL. I removed the trash bag from it first, of course, but this way they were contained in something too high to jump out of.

I assured them I’d work as quickly as I could, peeking in on them from time to time. One time Romeo was looking up curiously at me as if to say, “What’s going on?” It was so cute! Of course they had to piss and shit the pail up, but it was due for a good rinsing anyway.

When I first sent them back home I had yet to add the burrow and food bowl. Sugar looked back at me as if to say, “Hey, where’s all my stuff, bitch?” hahaha, it was so cute.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2012 Got our new Waterpik and had it unpacked and set up before Tom got up. It’s pretty simple to use. This is going to be a wonderful alternative to flossing.

Having money spoils you. I suppose it would do that to anyone. Even so, I have to remind myself not to get carried away with the extra luxuries just because I can. I used a Swiffer duster sheet instead of the dusting wand so I didn’t have to keep running outside to shake the dust out of it, and while it’s more expensive this way, it sure gets a lot of dirt, dust and grime that the other duster can’t get. I was amazed at how filthy the thing was when I was done. The other duster is flimsy and can’t get into small spaces as well and is best for things like ceiling fans and large open surfaces.

FB now has this thing - the highlights of 2012. I clicked on it and a bunch of rat pics flashed through, LOL. Yeah, big highlights of 2012 (besides Tom getting hired on), two dead parents and two live rats. :)

While this may be cool, FB is also pissing me off again not only with new changes, but now they’re spamming the newsfeeds and it’s getting pretty old pretty fast. This is part of why I dumped Twitter. Again, I suppose this would annoy anyone.

Sometimes I think of how I could just shut down my online life and be done with all the trolls, spam, scams and other nuisances. But the fun and convenience of it all is something I would greatly miss if I did.

Never thought I’d come to love my Romeo so much. Sugar’s a good guy, but Romeo has really weaseled his way into my heart. He started off extremely timid and is one of our dumber rats, but he’s catching on and now the rat that once ran and hid from me when I’d approach him runs up to me in hopes of me picking him up and giving him treats when I walk by his cage. Like most rats, he’s not big on cuddling but is becoming more playful. Instead of just exploring on his own when I let him out, he comes and “visits” me, too.

It’s hard for a rat to climb straight down and so I easily trained our last rat to step onto my head, which I would bring level with the roof of his cage when he’d climb up onto it. I would then lower myself face down to the floor and he would climb down my neck, down my back, then jump off. Sometimes you gotta literally walk a rat through the steps, so I placed my head even with the roof as usual and pulled him off of it and onto my head to show him how it’s done. Of course, this time I had Sugar, who thought it was a game, trying to playfully grab and nip my nose from inside the cage, LOL. So I gotta be careful when training Romeo to use me as a ladder!

So much for thinking a rainy day would keep the Jes pest away. It’s running something kind of loud up there. Him and his fucking loud engines and machinery! It’s not loud enough to be the bulldozer, though. Could be some type of water pump. Maybe his garage got flooded or something, though it didn’t rain that much today, and most of it was last night.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2012 Fucking Andy! We agreed he wouldn’t answer questions with my name, yet he answered with “What secrets?” when Molly asked him what secrets he and I were keeping since she couldn’t question me directly. I played the dumb card cuz I don’t want to give Molly the satisfaction of knowing I know it’s her.

So screw “Justin.” I’ll just use his account as an instrument of torture. I was thinking I’d have him ask me questions about Molly and if I’ve been harassed or not, and have him be from the group home she’s in, etc.

Exchanged messages yesterday with Nane and Tammy. Nane got me laughing about all the snow she’s getting, but Tammy got me anything but laughing.

Poor Becky has to have eye surgery because she’s going to be losing an eye. That’s just horrible! Being born blind in one eye is one thing, but losing an eye after you had both for something like 25 years must be just awful.

As for Tammy, she tried to go back to work but was unable to. They bumped her Mass General appointment up a couple of weeks. God only knows what’s wrong with her. I just know she wishes she could catch a break for once and I don’t blame her.

She mailed our package yesterday which I let her know we’re looking forward to, and I suppose I shouldn’t say anything more about her or her kids. After all, it’s their own business and they can start their own blog if they want to share it with the public. But since I haven’t said anything bad about them, I guess this much is ok.

I also got a gorgeous glittery card from Mary.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2012 For 4 days now Molly has peeked in on my blog and I have a feeling the why-am-I-so-mean-to-dogs and last night’s rude “question” about my sex life were both from her. They don’t seem Kim’s style, though in some ways they’re also a little well-written and above Molly. Could be Molly’s mother, but still, I’d be willing to bet on either Molly or her mother. Every time I think Molly’s gone for good, back she comes, and Kim seems to pester me every week or two.

Deciding I’d had enough of them and that they were just not going to go away, I created a whole new account as a young man in England. I hate being someone I’m not, but if I do this for a while, maybe – just maybe – they’ll get sick of me. I’ve led them to believe Andy and I are now keeping in touch on Formspring, and will only share the link to “Justin’s” account with about half a dozen of my closest friends.

While Andy’s dealing with his computer issues I’ll take the time to build the account a bit so it looks legit. I asked myself some anonymous questions but don’t want to use the account too much at first with Andy so it doesn’t become too obvious who Justin really is. Just the changing of background pics would be obvious enough, so I’ll eventually be sure to say I noticed that Andy changes pics regularly and maybe I should start doing that too, or something like that. Because some of my pics are kind of feminine, I guess I should be gay, hahaha.

I’ll have to remember not to mention names and topics that could give me away but in a way that Andy will understand what I’m talking about. The trolls are bound to watch him closer now, and maybe even pester him, in search of clues as to what’s going on with me. I told him to just say that we’re keeping in touch on Formspring. I was sure to mention that anonymously on his wall too, knowing they’ll see it.

I know I could’ve disallowed anonymous questions and blocked any accounts they came at me through, but that wouldn’t be much fun. I did, however, disallow them before suddenly being unable to log in. Still, if ignoring them is really going to do the trick like Andy said, well, I don’t exactly feel like I’m totally ignoring them even if I don’t answer them because they know damn well I’m seeing their so-called questions. As long as they can get to me in a convenient, non-anonymous way, they will. But I don’t want to dump such an established account either, so I’ll just abandon it for a while. The thing is that with my shit luck, even if I didn’t use it for years, they’d still check it every now and then.

Another thing that got old for me was having to ignore them. I’d prefer not to hear from them at all because I don’t like them, but I always want to answer with one of my crazy answers and it’s such a struggle to resist the temptation of wanting to really play with their minds. I know, though, that just like Andy said, this would only fuel their fire. So with Justin, I don’t have to be tempted to fuck with them, and they get to sit and stew in frustration of not having an easy connection to me. Gotta laugh when I think of them searching and searching for us on Formspring and I know they will.

Watch, Molly will disappear for another month now and not know I supposedly can’t log in. Better than her being around every day, though.

Heard from cousin Phil. He updated his past and present locations and said he doesn’t log in much and that he loves and misses me. I love and miss the hell out of him, too! So glad I finally found him after all these years. In many ways, he was like the big brother I never had.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2012 Wish I had more to say other than that I like Rihanna’s new song You Da One, but I don’t. I got tired of missing out on music and knew there’d be fresh stuff waiting for me so I visited my stations on last.fm. Kinda pissed to see that now you can only skip 6 songs an hour, but anyway, the connection is still so slow that music still cuts in and out. I had to look up the song on YouTube and let it buffer in before I could play it straight through.

By the time Tom’s one day off comes around he’s so tired that all he wants to do is nap. So he didn’t get around to setting up the hotspot’s antennae just yet or making any calls to the travel agency. I offered to call them for him and he said he’d think about it cuz I do so much as it is. I don’t feel like I do much compared to him, LOL.

Andy’s computer caught a virus, I exchanged messages with Maliheh, and Tammy did visit my blog after all. I just didn’t know she’d come up as being in Richardson, TX, but I learned this when she opened the email I sent her. It’s an AT&T email account, so if one doesn’t set up their profile, they’ll appear to be where the company is based, just like Gmail accounts that aren’t profiled show up as being in Mountain View, CA.

What I don’t get is why she doesn’t always respond to simple little questions like if she had any idea when we can expect the packages she keeps saying she’s sending. She better not be fucking with me. It doesn’t seem like anything she’d make up. I guess that when one is always busy and sick, they just don’t have much time.

It seems like Kim has backed off for a week or two, but Molly may be the one who asked why I’m so “mean” to dogs (by wishing they’d drop dead when they bark, though it’s been quiet enough lately). She’s viewed my blog 3 days in a row now, always sure to check comments no doubt in hopes of one of them being left by Alison.

Looks like the washer’s hose was just loose. I’ll find out next time I do laundry.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2012 Ok, now for Part 2 of the What Happened Last Year saga involving old enemies who screwed me through the law 13 years ago just to return to haunt me in a whole new way.

I will admit that I did something kind of dumb during the summer and fall of 2010, and so in some ways, it was my fault, not that I’m responsible for other people’s actions. But still, I should’ve known better. What happened may or may not have happened if I hadn’t taken advantage of one of Blogger’s features and that’s this little auto-sender thing they have where you can insert one’s email address and have the entries automatically mailed to them. Not just the link to the entries, but the entries themselves as well.

The therapist I had years ago on account of their legal vengeance suggested I write about my feelings about what was done to me, saying it was very therapeutic. I agreed. It was very therapeutic. But why not share some of these thoughts directly with the source? I figured back then. It was legal, so why not? The worst she could do was ignore them, delete them or mark them as spam. I’d actually known about her email address for quite some time at that point. I’d found it, free of charge, on one of those people-info sites.

Around the time she and her rogue cop raked my ass over hot coals in court, she moved to a city outside of Phoenix which she also began working for. Nonetheless, I shared my thoughts, feelings and opinions and “dropped” her a copy of them. This includes the trouble she herself got into. Hey, it was a matter of public information anyway. I mentioned how she got sued by an apartment complex and then again by a daycare center, and of course I couldn’t leave out what she got away with – abuse of the welfare system, perjury in court, prank calls to my husband and I, and the times she and her cronies left sexually explicit notes in our mail slot which was a federal offense right there. Yes, it was what she did get away with that was pretty damn amazing as opposed to what she didn’t get away with.

Once, she visited my blog from work, according to my tracker, by clicking through one of the emails and into the blog itself. Blogger had shit security and a joke of a privacy policy, but TIP worked the best on that particular blog for some reason, providing me with the best info. Well, it was more detailed anyway.

I probably should’ve said this earlier, but to jump back to 2007 when I was entering sweeps regularly and living up in Oregon, I entered a sweep presented by a company with a very familiar name. And then I saw a very family face and location to go with that name. No, not her – him! As in Mr. Corrupto himself turned real estate man working for his family’s real estate business after getting booted from the piggy force. Tom didn’t think it was him at first, saying cops weren’t allowed to show their faces online like that unless it was related to a case they were working on.

But he was supposed to be an EX-cop, right? So after hitting him with an email giving him a piece of my mind – again, nothing racial or threatening – but just enough to make me feel at least a little better and like I finally got to really say something about what was done to me even though it could never be undone, I visited ratemycop.com and was both shocked and furious to find his name on the list. Nonetheless, I “rated” him, alright.

Then I later learned that just because a cop may’ve been fired doesn’t mean they still don’t keep a list of everyone that’s worked for the department or that they update it regularly. Various sources confirmed that he is almost certainly not on the force. But I knew he’d still probably learn of my feedback either way and that he wouldn’t be the least bit happy about it either.

For years I was terrified of them and the thought of what they may try to do to me for anything I’ve said to them or in my blogs, but I promised myself I would never let myself be scared silent by these losers, for that would be letting them win and take even more from me after they’d already taken enough years ago from both my husband and I – time, money, freedom and peace of mind. A part of me even hoped they would try to violate my rights, falsify evidence, withhold information from me that I had a right to know, or feed me false information so I could sue the shit out of them, not that I wanted to go through the headaches and hassles. I’d already lost enough sanity to these people both through and not through the law. But I was naïve to the law 13 years ago and they knew it. That’s part of why they took advantage of me, in the name of hate and revenge. And oh, how they hated me as opposed to Tom, who made it clear to the courts that it was he who sent the city letter and not me. But I was the hated one because I was not only the one who screamed at them to shut up from time to time when asking politely failed to work, but I was the Jewish one, too. And yes, I know they knew I was Jewish and that they disliked whites, and especially Jews. But that’s a whole ‘nother story I won’t get into now. The point was still the same; I promised myself that despite what they did to me if I had something to say I was going to say it. And I did.

If what happened to me could happen to me, it could happen to anyone. Even you. So if sharing my story, even though I’m going to initially do it with just friends, can help just one person, then that is satisfaction in itself. Reverse discrimination really does exist and so do corrupt cops who help their friends spite those that they feel have crossed them. Who wouldn’t feel “crossed” by a letter of complaint to the city, which the welfare bum claimed resulted in her eviction, even if they’d truly done wrong and deserved to be complained on? Still, this doesn’t excuse what was done to me, and again, if my story helps just one person I would be thrilled, for knowledge is everything. One need not go to law school to help protect themselves and their rights, but what we don’t know really can hurt us.

Around August 2011, my email account was hacked, supposedly by someone in Malaysia. I changed PWs, but all was supposedly fine after that. This was the email connected to Blogger. I also received pop-ups on my blog saying “suspicious activity detected” but I really didn’t think much of it at the time.

Then one day Tom was alarmed at the bandwidth usage going on and he was able to tell that someone had been on my computer doing God only knew what, for that much, we couldn’t tell. This was when he pulled me out of Windows and into Mac’s OSX which is much safer. In the year that I’ve been using OSX, I’ve encountered no hackings, viruses, Trojans or worms and have only crashed 2-3 times. I hate it and love it. It’s trickier to navigate, but as they say, once you go Mac you never go back. Its upgrades are a fraction of Window’s upgrades, and I totally believe without a doubt that Windows is a highly potentially dangerous operating system. I won’t touch it ever again as overpriced as most things Apple-related can be.

Time to cut to the chase. In October of 2011, I received an email at both the Gmail account I used to have for sweeping and one I had created for Paula to use because she couldn’t create one herself. Once I saw she wasn’t going to use it, I took it over but never used it since the addy had her name in it. Regardless, the email said the PD in the sick bitch’s city had subpoenaed Google for info. I was alarmed but not worried, for I knew I hadn’t done anything other than say things she didn’t want to hear.

The months passed and I tried not to worry about them hunting me down and shooting me or anything, even though I’ve known this was always a very real possibility. They are that full of hate and that obsessive. Trust me when I say that what they did to me took a lot of time, money, legwork and determination to the point of obsession. At the same time, it was NOTHING compared to how it affected me. A lot of people don’t realize or even give a shit about the severity in which their actions can impact others, or for how long.

The real scare came in January of 2012 when I received an email saying a case had been made against me and to please call the PD listed at my earliest convenience. I went into immediate freak-out mode. My heart started pounding, I could barely breathe, and I had the runs like crazy. In a panic I called Tom at work who calmed me down, assuring me everything would be fine.

“Don’t let them win,” I told myself, taking deep breaths and willing myself to calm down. “Don’t let them control your emotions, and by God don’t walk into any kind of legal trap like you did in 2000 by answering to them in any way. You can’t stop the cops from busting in here and arresting you, but you don’t have to go to them. Don’t let them win again!”

Instead, I quietly shut down all my accounts connected to Google, one by one, and did something I rarely do. I prayed to God. I felt a bit silly about it since He let them have me once, so why would He protect me this time around?

And so I waited… and I waited… and I waited. But no one came to cart me off in cuffs and shackles back down to Arizona. No one even came to so much as talk to me.

After a few months, I stopped dead in my tracks and said, “Whoa, whoa, wait a minute here! Why am I the one running if I haven’t done anything wrong?” Nothing I did was illegal. Nothing. Tom first worried they were trying to get me for spam, if it was in fact a real cop that sent the email, but according to our research, a few dozen or so messages don’t constitute spam. They mostly go after businesses that send thousands of emails. Besides, no one does much about the thousands of fake lotto scams and other emails sent each and every day where people actually do make their attempts at illegal activity.

It was with a sickening dread that I then began to realize they may’ve altered one of the posts to make me really look bad and wondered if my computer being hacked had anything to do with it. But if it were “really bad,” wouldn’t they have come after me despite possible jurisdiction issues? I didn’t know what to think at the time, I was just glad that God had protected ME for once!

Or had He? Was there really anything to ever need to protect me from?

I studied and thought of the email messages, analyzing them like crazy.

And then I saw it.

I felt like the biggest idiot on earth! Still do for that matter. By the time I got done tackling each and every word, I came up with many things that all screamed, “BULLSHIT!”

Although the general PD info seemed correct, something anyone could look up, one of the things that made me automatically assume it was for real was that it was sent to 3 of my then-current email addresses and one I had down in Arizona. But as I would come to realize, anyone could get that information if they were willing to pay for it on some site like Intellius, and if they had been a cop at one point or another, they’d be likely to still have friends in high enough places who could dig up all kinds of goodies for them. If they really wanted to know the last time I farted, they could find out.

But that was another thing right there; it wasn’t just me the email was sent to. It was also sent to an address I didn’t recognize as well as one to Mr. Corrupto himself. There was also an address that didn’t make sense. It was like it wasn’t even a real email address. Now why would any legit cop with a real “case” email a notice about it to other people as well?

There was also the fact that it was from a “cop” with a very generic name. Too generic. Also, there are some types of business you simply don’t conduct online. If it were a real cop with a real case they could’ve gotten our phone numbers and even our physical address, even though the internet, like all the utilities here, is in Jesse’s name.

Another sign of it being a scam was that after several months passed, I failed to find any default warrant on me. As I once learned the hard way, even if they can’t actually serve you with a summons, a case can still be brought to court and processed with or without your knowledge. If you don’t show up – and you wouldn’t if you were never served and didn’t know you were supposed to appear in the first place – a bench warrant is automatically issued for your arrest for failing to appear. Yet there was absolutely nothing out there on me.

Ever since that day, I have not heard from the sick bitch or anyone connected to her, and while I’m 99% sure it wasn’t a real cop that messaged me with a “case” made against me, I treat it as if it were very real indeed and am very careful of what I say or do, always keeping up to date on blogger’s rights, etc. I’m kind of surprised they went silent on me as I expected to be harassed online had it been real (until I sued the PD for harassment), but this is just additional proof that it wasn’t real because Arizona’s not the kind of state to just let things go. I still don’t doubt that it was connected to the bitch just by the content of the email and the location given, but what was their point? Just to scare me, I guess. After all, if most people’s evil deeds were exposed in someone’s blog – deeds they’d prefer to keep hidden – those people would be bound to be pissed off.

The lesson I’ve learned from this little scare? Don’t be afraid to speak your mind, but let people come to your blog. Don’t bring it to them.

The lesson they should hope never to have to learn? I’m a lot smarter than I was in 2000. Fuck with me and I’ll sue you right out of the potty you piss in!

Later…

Heard from Maliheh just when I was beginning to think I never would. I feel bad for assuming the worst like I did.

She says she’s got 600 messages in her box and hasn’t felt like going through them, then she said she was sorry she missed my birthday and hoped I had a good day.

Then, according to TIP, she checked her mail again not long afterward presumably to see if I’d sent a reply, but I was too busy to reply till a little while ago. I teased her about needing to hire me as her secretary.

So I guess Tom’s theory was right in that she didn’t dump me but is just getting to be more and more of a recluse with age.

One of the cool things I discovered about Hotmail is that it hides my TIP code. Still, I’ll mostly use Hotmail to communicate with Andy unless there are ever additional problems with mail.com.

Molly peeked in on me again too, this time for a few minutes.

The fucking washer hose is leaking. I knew that thing was going to break any minute now. I said to myself, if we don’t get the fuck out, that washer’s gonna be a problem. The hose, however, does say to replace it every 5 years and it’s been 4 1/2. Why can’t we ever have anything that doesn’t leak?!?!?! Maybe it just needs to be tightened. I can still wash clothes, I just have to lay a towel around the washer on the floor. Fucking 20-year-olds have full-size washers and dryers while we have this tiny thing that now leaks, and we have to hang clothes from wall to wall like true bums at heart! But I know it’s going to be a very long time before we move so I just have to deal with it. At least the Jes pest’s late-night weekend outings have stopped, making it more peaceful around here at that time.

It’s continuing to be a rather warm winter. We haven’t even hit freezing yet at night.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2012 Some of you may remember that last year I deleted the blog I had on Blogger and stopped using my other blogs for a while. During this time I mostly shared entries on Facebook. This might’ve actually been at the end of 2010. I told you it was because of security issues and this was 100% true. My Gmail account, blog included since Google powers them both, was indeed hacked. But there was more to it that I didn’t share in my blog. This was because I wanted to wait till I had more information and knew what the hell was going on, besides the fact that I was scared shitless. Fortunately, it wasn’t long before I calmed down enough to examine all the telltale signs that assured me there was a 99% chance it was just a hoax. Nonetheless, I was very shaken up and so that’s why I laid low for a while.

It was a tough subject for me to write about while I was busy fearing for my safety and the safety of my husband as well. Actually, it wasn’t that I couldn’t bring myself to write about it so much as I couldn’t bring myself to share it. See, it involves a black person and everyone is so quick to side with non-whites these days that I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with the doubt, the accusations, and the animosity that might’ve come with it. I can only share the facts, folks. What people choose to do with those facts is a whole ‘nother issue. So one of these days soon enough, I will share what happened and you the reader can decide what to do with that information. It’s like giving someone a shirt for Christmas. You can give them the shirt, but you can’t guarantee where that shirt will end up. I will tell you what happened. What you do with that info is out of my control, but I’m not going to worry about who may not be able to handle it for much longer.

I can’t say when I’ll be ready to share the whole story because that’s not one of those things you can exactly put a time frame on. When I get around to writing about it in a way that the public can understand (regardless of who they want to believe and side with in the end) I will do so.

I will at least give you a little prelude to the story, but in order to do so I must jump back to the mid-90s in Phoenix, Arizona. We had a small tract house in Phoenix when the city seized the house next to us. Tom and I moved in in 1993 and were married the next year. From 1996-1999, which was when we moved, we had welfare bums living next to us that drove us crazy, particularly me, because I was home more than Tom was. Loud music, wild parties, screaming kids, barking dogs, fights, drug sales, vandalism, trash… all within just a matter of feet from our place. A black woman and her child lived there for 3 years and then a Mexican family lived with us for our last 4 months there. They also had other people living there that weren’t supposed to.

My husband sent letters to the city complaining of the chaos. What we didn’t know at the time was that the black woman had a friend on the police force. He is no longer a member of the force but in the family real estate business instead, thanks to his misconduct and abuse of authority. I do not know who else this guy victimized but common sense tells me that several complaints had to finally add up to get him booted and that this type of person doesn’t usually pick on just one person. What he did to “pick” on me was add a threatening letter to some journal excerpts I shared with them through the mail as a way of giving them a piece of my mind. The excerpts may’ve been perceived as bordering on threatening, but they weren’t actually threatening by any means. As far as I knew, I was well within my legal right, but again, I had no idea about the corrupt cop friend at the time and what he had in mind for me.

It was now early 2000. We had just moved when I was rudely awakened, yanked out of my house by a fucking swat team, and dragged 45 minutes back into Phoenix to be asked questions I could’ve been asked at home. Well, they photographed and fingerprinted me as well. Then the cop thrusts a threatening letter chock full of racial slurs and asks if I knew anything about it. I didn’t. But it didn’t matter, for he got what he wanted – my prints on the damn thing.

After being told that it was “over,” I had to play court till the fall of that year. Just minutes before sentencing we were shown “evidence” we’d never seen before. The public pretender mostly flashed the evidence in my face for just seconds before yanking it away. It seemed to consist mostly of racially motivated comics that were anything but funny. It also wasn’t until sentencing day that we learned the “victim” was tight with the “cop,” mostly based on how they carried on in court and by how obvious it was that she was coaxed in her so-called statement. It wasn’t until after sentencing that I learned I had been charged and convicted of the letter, NOT the journals.

It was then that I got to really learn not only how much Arizona favors minorities, but also just how barbaric its laws and sentences can be. Guilty or not, a “crime” like this is considered a misdemeanor in most states rather than a felony as it is, after all, mere words on paper and not actions. I never once laid a finger on anyone. Why they didn’t simply not read the journals if they didn’t want to hear it and just discard them was beyond me. But again, I had yet to realize the impact of this “letter” and how that was the focal point of the “case” as opposed to the journals.

As for who really wrote the letter, I don’t know. Possibly the cop himself in order to help his little buddy build a case against me, or maybe the “victim” received it from someone else. I simply don’t know and I probably never will. The author of that letter certainly isn’t going to come forward and claim credit for it. The only other things from me were a card with little bits of confetti in it that I knew would spill all over the place when they opened it, and a bottle I tossed over the dividing block wall one night due to getting fed up with the stress and anger they caused me for raising hell for hours and hours at a time. Right or wrong, I couldn’t even hear myself think half of the time.

Both inmates and detention officers in the jail I had to spend half a year in agreed that the sentence certainly didn’t fit the crime even if I’d written the damn thing myself. After being released in May of 2001 I was supposed to remain on probation till the fall of 2003, but 6 months before that I was finally vindicated.

The courts and media were quick to label me a stalker and a racist (though I was not charged with a hate crime) and for a while, I became the latter part of that label that was affixed upon me. In reality, it never was about their race to begin with. It was about their behavior. All we wanted was to just live in peace. That’s all we wanted.

After getting my life back and out of their hands, I was able to realize there’s good and bad in all kinds. No, I may not like certain groups as a whole, but that doesn’t mean I hate every single person as an individual within that group. Not all blacks are bad just like not all whites are good. I’m smart enough to know this. But I am truly horrified by all the reverse discrimination going on these days and the favoring of certain groups. Yet people don’t want to hear it when it involves whites, gays or Jews getting shit on. I don’t understand why this is. Do they not believe that blacks aren’t the only ones who deal with discrimination? Is it just too scary for people to face and address this issue? Well, the problem isn’t going to go away on its own. Gays still can’t marry wherever they want to, and whites can’t have an all-white beauty pageant without being called racists.

I knew that those involved would be highly furious about my vindication and that was part of why we left Arizona. I felt too much like a sitting duck. If I had to live in either my native state of Massachusetts or Arizona, I’d choose Massachusetts in a heartbeat even though I would HATE the climate. Arizona’s a beautiful state, but the laws, system and so many other things are so twisted there that I know I could never so much as stand to visit the place let alone ever live there again.

So what happened last year? That will be discussed in a future entry.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2012 Maliheh’s second to last email is appearing as not picked up. Why am I not surprised? And why do I think it never will be? I think she’s either going to ignore it or disable cookies when she goes to retrieve it.

That’s ok. Unless she was abducted by aliens and she can prove it, we’re done.

Lost 1.2 of the 3 pounds I gained for my birthday on all that Chinese food. I probably had 3000 calories that day, something I probably only do once every other year. I ate and I ate and I ate, but it was sooo good!

Got a voice message from Tammy and just as I started to get annoyed with my phone fanatic of a dear sister telling me to call to verify our address for packages she’s sending, she said I could leave the info on FB if I wanted to. I definitely prefer that to phones. It’s not only easier, but why use minutes on the cell and risk the call being dropped on the other phone when it’s sooo much easier to do it on FB, and at no additional cost? Besides, we always end up chatting for like forever, and next thing I know I’ve neglected whatever I had planned to do. I’ll call her in 6 months to a year, LOL. With the convenience of online communications that’s all I really need phone-wise these days anyway.

I’m looking forward to whatever it is she’s sending and am sure I’ll love it all! So will Tom.

Later…

Well, well, I was wrong. Maliheh picked up my shame-on-you-for-forgetting-my-birthday message 2 hours ago. But of course I haven’t gotten any reply. Went and changed her pro pic and cover pic on FB, too. Oh, but she doesn’t use FB, right? Seems she once told me she only uses it to see who’s died. She must expect an awful lot of people to be dying then.

Molly’s back. She viewed my blog, but no time registered on my tracker and I don’t think she asked any of the questions I was asked anonymously on Ask. She’s still at Marbridge, though.

Been getting hit with spam like crazy. I still can’t figure out where it’s coming from or who’s doing it. Hopefully, they’ll realize soon enough that they aren’t going to get anything from me and will back off.

Tom ordered the Waterpik which should be a much easier solution to flossing.

Life is going tremendously well for us, but since it’s in my nature to be a complainer no matter what’s going on, let me say that it really annoys me when people say something like, “Your life is going well. Thank God, huh?”

Ok, so I know that “thank God” is a commonly used figure of speech. I use it too, at times. But some people seem to take that quite literally, and while this doesn’t offend me, it does annoy me. They’re thanking the wrong person if that’s what they think. Let’s give credit where it’s due, folks. God’s not the one who gets up at 4am to slave his ass off for 10 hours each day. My husband is. God may’ve influenced the job his way and the good pay and benefits and all that since it’s only reasonable to assume that if He can curse us, He can bless us, and vice versa, but it’s my husband who actually does the work, folks.

Also, my online jobs are done by me. Not God. God doesn’t throw me on my treadmill and scissor my little legs back and forth for a half-hour at a time. I do. He doesn’t clean our kitchen or wash our laundry either. Get what I’m saying, folks? It took a long time to get to where we are today, but it’s us who worked hard to achieve the goals we have already achieved and will continue to achieve.

I’m really worried about Alison. First it was her cancer and now it’s depression and money issues. That girl just can’t seem to get a break in life. Now she might be breaking up with Dustin. It’s sad that she blames herself for everything. Dustin and others can’t be perfect, can they? And can she really be all that bad? I don’t think so. It’s just sad to see such a nice, smart person be so miserable. This is the type of misery crazy assholes like Kim deserve. Who knows, maybe she is miserable deep down. Isn’t that why she wants to be anybody but herself?

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2012 I’m so fucking pissed right now, so you might not want to read this if you can’t handle foul moods very well. It’s like something up there is determined to punish me for having such a good day yesterday.

I was hoping I could go one week – just one lousy week – pain-free. But now my ear is acting up again. It’s like God decided years ago I must, must, MUST live most of my life in pain. Why can’t I just be as crazy as Kim and have MPD instead? Crazy doesn’t hurt. Then I could have fun being all these different people and do it without the pain.

First it’s my ear acting up again, then it’s Kim, then email issues. Tom suspects Hotmail may’ve blocked mail.com on account of spam. This wouldn’t surprise me since they do get kind of spammy. Believe me, it’s frustrating being spammed by your own email provider! So I created a Hotmail account, which I’ll use to send stuff to Andy. I couldn’t even send one from mail.com to my new Hotmail account.

So I still have to deal with my ear, get new glasses, and I feel like we’re NEVER going to get out of here. If I have to keep going to all these doctors it could really eat up our savings. Most things are covered by our insurance, but still, things add up. We’ve already had to get a lot of shit we needed, and then there were the dental expenses. This was enough of a setback as it is. I’m back to thinking our best bet is to just settle for an old expando which will give us 200-300 more square feet and an extra half-bath, rather than wait till we can get a newer doublewide. Again, life isn’t about getting what you want. It’s about making the best of what you can get. I just don’t want to be here another year or two and I know the bastard above is going to see to it that I don’t get shit from my parents!

The new antennae will be here soon so we can use the hotspot when they disconnect us at night and early in the morning like they won’t stop doing.

Then I check in on Ask and get: You recently added me on Facebook, can I ask your advice on something?

Even though the “question” reeked of Kim I thought I’d go and check my friend list just in case it wasn’t to see who I recently added. Sure enough, the skitzo is on my friend list!!! I quickly went from annoyed to seriously creeped out. I did NOT add her. Then I became angry to think that she had full-fledged access to my profile for God knows how long, including my friends. I tried to remember the last time I viewed my friend list. It wasn’t too long ago, but not too recent either. That was when I realized that she probably reactivated an old account she had deactivated to keep an eye on me. This is someone who’s created dozens of accounts both in her name and in the names of the celebrities she impersonates. Thank you, Alter So and So, for being dumb enough to tip me off like that! It was probably an alter that also tried to tell me about a week ago that she created an account to spy on me and how Kim is such a bad person and all that. So the nutjob has this alter that tries to protect me from her real self, and well, it’s crazy. Just crazy. I looked up her name and deleted any suspicious accounts I found, including one that was created 19 hours ago.

I also found other friends I’d long since deleted. Some of them anyway, and I wonder if a Facebook glitch could be involved as well. I’m so sick of issues with Facebook that if it weren’t for Nane I’d shut down in a heartbeat. In fact, I’m thinking of shutting it down, then recreating a new account that can’t be looked up. Then I could just re-add my top friends. I try to keep my friend count down there so that’d be easy enough to do if the account was ever hacked, and it also makes sharing posts easier. It’s easier to sort through a list of 50 friends as opposed to 150 friends if I post something I don’t want to share with everybody. She’s still on a mutual friend’s list, though, from what I know. So if I re-friend that friend from a new account, the troll will see me on her friend list. I’d have to create one with a bogus name and I hate the idea of that. I really don’t want to be anyone other than who I am.

I was remembering back on how a friend and I would get so annoyed when Kim would ask us the same damn questions on Ask that we knew had already been asked and answered. Back then I took it for her not caring enough to pay attention. Now I wonder if it were in fact her alters that would ask the questions, and then she, the real Kim, would fail to remember it.

“But how could you be all these different people and not remember them?” I had asked Tom. “It isn’t an act or them just pretending?”

“No, it’s a mental disease,” Tom told me, and when I think about it – really think about it – no actress is that good. Especially one who seems as dumb as Kim.

Kim’s behavior highly suggests she has MPD, but I’m no expert and I never met the nut in person. I have no idea what her childhood was even like, though I’ve read that MPD is often the result of childhood sexual abuse. This doesn’t excuse her behavior, though. She needs serious help. But what’s scary is that I don’t think there’s anyone to take charge and put a stop to her behavior like there was in Molly’s case. Yes, Molly’s parents were enablers for a while, but they also have custody of her even though she’s an adult, and finally realized she needed more than just a few days in the funny farm. But who’s got custody of Kim? No one, I don’t think. Therefore, there’s no one to control her actions as far as I know. Kim and her many alters are free to harass anyone they want, whenever they want… until her “innocent” questions become actual threats.

I’ll be waiting when they do, Kim, Janet, Millie, or whoever the hell you are right now when you read this.

I slept forever. Something like 13 hours, though I woke up several times along the way, once to go pee. I needed it, though. I was pretty exhausted. Then I get up to find yesterday’s Chinese feast put me up not 1, not 2, but 3 pounds! It’s scary to think I could gain 20 pounds a week if I ate like that every day of my life, but I will lose it over the week. I’ve decided that losing a lot of weight isn’t worth giving up my Sunday pig-out sprees, so like Tom said, I was never that big anyway. I’ll stay where I am. Then if I find those sports bras I love so much at Target, I won’t have to turn around and get a smaller size 6 months to a year later. So I shall eat on weekends, run it off during the week, and back and forth.

Nane apologized and left a nice photo on my wall wishing me a nice day. I told her I forgave her cuz I knew she was busy cleaning up the soup I spilled, hahahaha.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2012 It’s been a fun birthday. A little strange knowing that my parents aren’t going to call, assholes or not, but I had a fun day and got lots of nice birthday wishes on my Facebook wall. I’m a little surprised Nane forgot, but she did leave a message saying she was sorry about Julien. He was the only rat she ever liked cuz she thought he was so cute, LOL. Nothing from Maliheh so far today either. Gee, what a surprise, huh? It pretty much tells me who my real friends are.

Back when we used to chat regularly she said she hated people bugging her if they hadn’t heard from her in months. I remember wondering at the time if she knew she planned on doing just that and taking off for months at a time. Just a feeling I had. Yet she would always insist that just because I didn’t hear from her for a while didn’t mean she wasn’t still my friend. Despite what she’d say, I’d always feel like the quiet spells were deliberate. Like she was teasing me by having me wait on her and hoping I’d be wondering if she’d dumped me or something. Then she would email me and promise not to stay away so long the next time even though she sometimes would. Well, I’m sorry but while her words said one thing her actions said otherwise, and actions speak louder than words, don’t they? If my gut is telling me she’s either playing games or her heart simply isn’t in our “friendship,” can I really be that off? She may not be a social butterfly anymore than I am or into chatting for hours every single day and all that, but I just don’t feel like she’s much of a friend anymore. I just thought that if she didn’t want to be friends anymore, she’d at least have the decency to say why.

What I’m not sure about is how much of it was just an act on her part. I would think that at least a little part of her started off being somewhat into the friendship, but I still think she befriended me under false pretenses, for the most part, to keep her name out of my book.

She’d have some excuse or reason why I didn’t hear from her for so long that seemed believable, then she’d make me feel special when we talked and like she was really into our friendship, promising to write more often and all that, but then we’d go right back to the long stretches of silence.

Game’s over, hun. I’m not 25 anymore. That means I have more self-respect and less tolerance. I’m not interested in anyone who isn’t interested in me. I don’t have any hard feelings, though, and I’m glad for the time we had, but I’m not about to try to make someone be my friend who obviously doesn’t want my friendship. It’s a matter of respecting myself. If I’m not good enough for you, you’re not good enough for me. There are too many other people out there who actually want to keep in touch with me more than just a few times a year. I just can’t get into the idea of caring about those that don’t care about me. She never even gave a shit when my mother died, and I know she opened my emails.

Got up nearly two hours before I originally planned, so I wasn’t tired or anything. Cementing in the new bridge took no time at all and I’m already used to it. It almost felt kind of full in that area, but after an hour or so it was like I had my old tooth back again! It looks exactly like a real tooth! She said it will last 15-20 years or longer and I can eat anything as usual. There was no 24-hour waiting period or anything.

From what Tom read, we were wrong in how they’re made. We thought she was drilling little holes in the sides of the surrounding teeth to hook the bridge too, but she was actually grinding the teeth down like they do with actresses who get their teeth capped. No wonder the drilling took so damn long the last time and I was like, come on, lady! How long can it take to drill a couple of tiny holes? No wonder she never mentioned doing something about the little black dot of decay on the side of one tooth. She knew she was going to grind it away. Anyway, the bridge is “capped” over the teeth at the sides. I was amazed that it only took seconds to cement it in and then to cure it. I never knew they could just put a fake tooth in place of one that was lost!

As promised, I gave her a printed copy of my win list and she was pretty wowed by it.

I don’t have to start the last of the work (cleaning and a few fillings) till next year. We had to pay $500 of the $2100 the bridge cost because we maxed out the benefits for the year. So far I’ve had about 4K in much-needed and much overdue dental work, but we’ve paid less than a grand so far in total. It is SO nice to be able to eat and drink without pain. No more hot and cold foods/drinks stinging like hell! The relief and gratitude I feel toward ending 8 years of dental misery are beyond belief! Once they’re cleaned and whitened, I’ll take pics. I’m just so, so grateful to Tom and his great benefits and to the wonderful lady who ended my pain. That in itself is a WONDERFUL birthday present. I can eat crunchy foods now too, with no pain! Oh, I’m practically in tears of joy! Life is so good and I’m so happy. For the longest time after a workout, I’d want an ice-cold drink, but would have to drink room-temperature beverages because it simply hurt too much. But old habits take time to die. It’s going to take some getting used to the idea of being able to eat on the right side again. Yes, yes, it really is safe to do that now! It won’t hurt. Even rice was a no-no for a while because the pieces would get lodged within the cavities. Just so, so grateful that the potentially dangerous – even fatal – busted up ugly, greenish-black stub of a tooth is gone forever!

We forgot to ask if I could use a Waterpik instead of having to floss. Tom read they have some for those with bridges. He’s going to call and ask tomorrow and give them the new cell number.

It’s my birthday yet here I am going on and on about my teeth, LOL. Well, not even God is going to stop me from keeping up on them and taking care of them regularly from now on. He’ll have to go find a new whipping boy cuz even my ear has been better. :)

Kim is one crazy, brazen fuck that simply does NOT get it. She’s asking both Andy and I “questions” and I can’t believe she hasn’t read the message I left on MD saying: This is your final warning from me, Jodi S, demanding that you leave me alone. I don’t want to hear from you on any site in any manner or for any reason. Not as Kim, not as “Janet,” not as “Millie,” not as “Cady,” not as anyone. Neither do my friends.

If you continue to contact me online, I will ignore you but the police won’t. They will be monitoring and documenting any and all contact I may receive from you. If you do not stop with the unwanted contact, you WILL eventually be charged and prosecuted. Ask yourself this, Kim - is that what you want?

Nothing’s going to scare this sick bitch off. Nothing. I’m sick of her trying to insert herself into mine and Andy’s lives. Next thing you know she’ll be contacting me on other sites and coming at me from bogus accounts. Or will she? So far she seems to only do things in anonymity. But I know the birthday wishes and questions about if I ever feel worthless or give good advice came from her. She asked Andy the advice question too, along with one about his imaginary tour.

After the dentist, Tom took me to a Chinese restaurant here in Auburn we’d never been to before. I opted for takeout so I could feast off my goodies for the rest of the day and night and so I got shrimp fried rice, cheese-filled crab puffs, and barbecued spareribs. Tom’s not big on Chinese, but he did enjoy some ribs. I was never into chow mein or eggrolls, but I love almost anything else that isn’t spicy. The food was excellent. There were HUGE pieces of shrimp in the rice, which I’m glad to say doesn’t include many carrots, and the rib meat was so tender, too. The rats love nibbling on the bones and munching on fortune cookies. They even enclosed a teabag. It was well worth the $20 or so it all cost.

Even the propane turned out to be a good deal today because it’s pretty cheap for this time of year. About $200 for 100 gallons instead of close to $300. This is due to it being warmer and gas being cheaper. You know you’re in a warmer climate when you see little flies and gnats in December! We left the money order under the tank’s cap and they refilled us while we were out. We could tell they were here when we pulled back in cuz of the tire tracks left in the mud. So that’s one less thing I have to worry about disturbing my sleep (it’s going to be so nice not having to struggle to get to sleep or get up at a set time for a while). I said to Tom, “You know propane is cheaper cuz we’re doing well. If we were broke it’d be freezing out and cost us much more.” Life does seem to work that way. You get breaks when you least need them, though we still appreciate them anyway.

Tom got another $50 Target GC and insists on spoiling me with the now $100 worth of Target cards he got for bonuses at work. We decided to bump the shopping spree up to real early this weekend when the stores will be less crowded.

Also, I’m not going to keep sharing blog entries on FB cuz it’s such a pain. I was quite touched by the feedback someone left saying my writing was very “mature” and “interesting” and that I should publish it in the form of a book as well as a journal, LOL. They also asked for ways to get their writing like mine. Again, this is very flattering, but I have had NO formal training whatsoever. There are tips and pointers available online, but I’ve never taken any writing classes. Not yet anyway. I learned most of what I know through the examples set by other authors. Still wish I could improve, though.

Still can’t get an email through to Andy. It appears his email provider has blocked mine. I could get one through from MO, but I really don’t like their email setup, so we’re going to stick to FB. If that gets to be a pain he’ll just have to go to my blog.

Gotta get to the mail place soon to pick up our mail. Not much else going on other than moving the rats to one of the bigger cages. They love the extra space!

MONDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2012 I have been asked to share copies of my blog posts on FB, so I’ll share some of them.

I still can’t decide if I want to continue updating my MD blog and disallow anonymous questions on Ask or not. I don’t want to give my crazy, stalking troll any more avenues in which to contact me than she already has, but I also don’t want to feel like she’s controlling me either. The only thing I will do for sure that I have no doubts about whatsoever is keep my friend list hidden and my posts for friends only. Her picking on me is one thing, but reaching out to my friends and harassing me through harassing them is another. So I will definitely do all I can to protect them! Fortunately, it doesn’t bother Andy that she’s latched onto him on Ask, but it bothers me. It’s just one more way for her to try to force her existence upon me and rub her presence in my face, and I don’t like it one bit. But no matter what I say, nothing seems to get rid of her. She’ll disappear for a week or two and then it’s right back to the usual shit. I’ve tried everything I can think of. Asking her nicely to please leave me alone, bashing her, scaring her, laughing at her, ridiculing her…but she just won’t go away. She’s so crazy that there’s just no reasoning with her, and I don’t know how much awareness of right from wrong the nut even has. She must have at least some sense and not be totally stupid because she avoids my blogs that are tracked.

The only thing that’s changed is that instead of asking mean, rude questions on Ask, now it’s simple things like, “How are you?” and “Sorry your rat died” and “I’ll miss your my-diary updates” and “I’m sorry for everything” and stuff like that as if we were old buddies and all was just peachy. If it weren’t for Aly I’d never know that “Janet” was her asking how I was and all that. I guess Janet and Millie are the nut’s top two alters.

I am thinking of sharing copies once again on LJ. I thought it was a glitch on their part and that that was why some of the graphics disappeared there. Then it hit me that I had hot-linked them in from MO, then deleted them on MO. So of course they’d disappear!

Been getting scattered views from Freehold, NJ. Isn’t that where Polly is?

People are already starting to wish me a happy birthday which is nice. Now let’s see if Maliheh and Nane remember.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2012 Getting backed up in my writing so I guess I better catch up!

Got a new white rat with very faint markings today, and the pet store was kind enough to give Sugar to us free of charge. We gave them Julien’s receipt and papers and explained what happened. They only had two rats left and I wanted one with contrasting colors to King Romeo’s dark shiny fur. The vanilla and chocolate duo complement each other nicely, and of course Romeo was thrilled to have a new roommate. Already he was beginning to get depressed being by himself.

Sugar is absolutely amazing and I mean amazing! Very calm and friendly. We already got some good shots of him. Most rats are nervous on their first day in a new home and don’t want to eat or drink much, much less socialize and explore. But he never runs from us and has been all over the cage, eating, drinking and playing with his older buddy. You would think he’s been here for weeks, LOL.

Tom also got bonus cash at work so that’s what he used to get the new electronics. The tablet, iPod, cell and hotspot. The net is tremendously faster with the hotspot. I could watch a YouTube video in one tab while playing another music video in another. I couldn’t even get just one to stream without it having to stop and buffer every other second. But due to how expensive it is we can’t use it as a replacement. We could afford it just fine, but it would slow down our savings. It will be mostly as a backup for when our regular connection cuts out or we want to do something that requires speed. sighs Really wish we were out of here already and back on cable.

So why are there so many immature people these days? Really, I’m almost embarrassed for some of these 60-year-olds I see responding to people’s posts online! Young at heart is one thing, being immature and childish is another.

3 of 4 messages I sent to Andy bounced, but his email account doesn’t seem to have been compromised like I feared it might’ve been, so I don’t know what’s going on.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2012 Decided to be a little more private for now. I let my Facebook friends know that if for some reason they are absolutely 100% adamantly against going to MyOpera, tell me so on Facebook and I will personally message them copies of my journal entries there if they’d like.

I’m also doing it to piss Kim off. She’ll have her “sources” go to my other blog or have to remember to disable cookies, but I’m sure she won’t appreciate the inconvenience. Someone asked how Nane was doing yesterday on Ask and I wonder if it was her. Who else would ask that?

Later…

Beat the alarm by 10 minutes yesterday, but today I not only didn’t beat it but was tired as well. That’s because I lost an hour of sleep along the way. One of the side effects of melatonin is that it can cause you to wake up often, sometimes for more than just a few minutes. And I’m pretty sure it is melatonin that’s in this Neuro Sleep drink. I only had a third of the bottle, too. Had to get up and pee and then take a few more swallows to eventually get back to sleep. Tonight, if I don’t fall asleep at a reasonable hour, since I’ll probably perk up around 6pm, I’ll go with Benadryl instead. Fortunately, I only have a few more days of this.

I thought I’d be too tired to work out, but I managed after I compromised with myself and cut the strength training out and just stuck to the cardio. I was a little hungry today too, due to losing more weight, so I had to have my main meal earlier than usual.

Nothing really exciting as far as dreams go. Just that I was living alone down in L.A. which was weird.

Lotta folks got a kick out of the dream I recently had of me visiting Nane and screwing up everything when she took me to assist her at work. LOL, it was funny. My dream self was horrified with embarrassment at how badly I kept fucking things up. Andy said I should throw it in a story. It would make for a funny scene. Maybe I should’ve thrown it in A Rainbow in Munich. Then Rainbow could’ve really rung Nadja through the wringer.

Andy really threw me for a loop with his reaction to my telling him Tom lost 50 pounds. He was all shocked and saying how skinny he was and all that and I’m thinking to myself, 238 isn’t that skinny, and that’s when I realized my typos, hahaha.

I’m too tired to write anymore right now. I’d like to at least go lie down for a while. Maybe I’ll do another post later.

Got an “I’m sorry for everything” that no doubt came from Kim. Again, it’s like she’s trying to impersonate Molly, who seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. If this were really Molly, Aly and I would see/hear from her on other sites as well. It’s just Kim and her bullshit games. She’s NOT sorry for shit. She’ll be back to pestering me soon enough. Just like Molly would when she would apologize.

Later…

Poor Julien. He died earlier tonight. He had trouble breathing in the pet store but we thought that once we got him home he’d be ok. He seemed to start getting better, though he wasn’t growing or eating much. We began to wonder if maybe he was taken from his mother too soon and his lungs hadn’t had a chance to fully develop.

Yesterday we both handled him and he seemed like a changed rat all of a sudden cuz as soon as I put him back in his house, he wanted to come back out. Romeo, of course, being the jealous, mischievous little fella that he is, would nudge my hand away and nip at me playfully, trying to steal the attention. Cute albeit annoying at times.

Tonight he started acting weird as hell. Most rats won’t simply sit and cuddle with you. They’re just too animated and high-strung. They like to explore, play and be active. But Julien kept biting the bars of the cage like he was desperate to try to chew his way out. He even tried to squeeze through the feed hole. So I kept taking him out and he would sit calmly in my arms, and then resume his desperate attempts to escape when I’d place him back in his cage. I’d offer him food, but he wouldn’t take it.

Then he started convulsing right in front of us and was dead in just seconds. It was the weirdest thing. Tom looked online and found that what likely happened was that he had a bacterial infection of some kind in his lungs and it caused a blood clot to the brain or heart. Once that happens to an animal or a person, it’s over in minutes, if even that.

It was so sad, cuz even though we’d only had him for just a week, Romeo loved having a roommate after living alone for 3 weeks, and he was turning out to be such a sweetie. Where Romeo is rambunctious, Julien was mellow.

It was sweet of Mary to grieve the little furball with me and for her wall posts. She’s a very compassionate soul. I heard from Andy and Sharyn, too. Meanwhile, baby Julien will be buried in the morning next to Tinkerboy before I get up at 10am. I suggested Tom not put him in anything like with Tinkerboy so he “goes away” faster, making it less likely that the fucking mutts will dig him up. He’ll put some large rocks on the grave, too.

In the afternoon we’ll look for a new roommate for Romeo so he doesn’t get depressed.

I have other things to write about, but I’m pretty beat so I’m going to call it a night.

[billyslittledolly]

Videotapes (A)

Warning(s); smut!! 18+ only!! Male Masturbation, voyeurism, slight sub argyle, talk of teeth brushing, some fluff.

Pairing(s); Argyle x girlfriend! Reader.

Summary; your boyfriend sends you something special after not seeing you.

A/n; there’s no mentions to readers gender however I wrote for Fem! Reader so this is open for gn readers as well! This is a modern au!!

Might write a part 2 if it’s wanted!!

You missed your boyfriend. Terribly, horribly, earth shatteringly, missed him. You just couldn’t ignore your family’s dinner though and the rule is no phones regardless of who. You hadn’t even been gone 6 days and you missed him.

Your family’s yearly vacation came around but since they don’t like argyle they refused to pay for him come. Even with you working extra hours you couldn’t save enough to pay for him too, so here you are, on a beach in Italy, without your boyfriend.

You knew argyle was upset that you couldn’t talk to him, or that he couldn’t come. You just weren’t expecting him to send you a video.

You waited until you were back in your house,inside your room,away from your parents, to play it. Coming from argyle you already knew it was gonna be something stupid.

You watched as your boyfriends thick shirt covered chest came into veiw as he was complaining about his computer. “I unplugged my PC by accident, just a sec!” He spoke as if you were really in the phone.

Finally, your boyfriends pretty face came onto screen and he smiled positioning his phone on his desk so he could sit back on the edge of his bed. You could see practically his whole body just past his knees.

Argyle rambled for a few minutes before getting to his point. “I take offense to the fact that you chose to leave me for some crappy dinner with your family by the way.” He sat back a little further. “Your loving, devoted, handsome boyfriend hasn’t seen you in almost a week you know.” He went on to talk about how he missed you and your body making your cheeks flush.

You sat your phone on your bed stand while you stepped into the en-suite bathroom. “I miss you being in control” you tied your hair up preparing to clean your face. “The night before you left I was more,….,dominate” you washed off the soap and got your toothbrush ready unintentionally tuning out argyles video.

“Ah…shit” he groaned and it caused you to choke on your toothpaste spitting the bubbly white liquid out. You must’ve misheard it, “I miss you so,…,mmn,…,so much.” You quickly washed your mouth clean and rushed to pick up your phone.

On screen was argyle furiously fisting his cock, it was red and leaking. It looked almost painful. Argyle had mentioned on the phone he hadn’t been able to get off without you because of work and school. You had no idea he was so pent up, poor baby. Your heart hurt almost seeing him so needy for you.

The hurt was quickly replaced with arousal as his moans turned into needy, desperate whines. “I-if you were here you’d be r-riding me and telling me-…calling me a good boy” he whimpered out.

Argyle’s hips jumped up into his fist “can still feel your pussy dripping around me….want it so bad.” His eyes closed and he leans his head back, hair falling off his shoulder. He starts to chant your name over and over while his fist only picks up speed. “Fuck I miss you…can’t wait for you to be back!” He gasps out.

Argyle let’s out a loud whine as white ropes start to coat his hand and stain his black shirt. Once he’s calmed back down he chuckles “wanted to give you a gift,miss you.” and the screen goes black.

You huff, your cheeks now red, your underwear now wet,and your want to ditch your family and go back home that much stronger.

[neon-skeleton99]

Fresh Out of Luck

The normal uncomfortable feeling in your head is spreading, spreading down your spine and weaving itself in between your ribs. It keeps moving further until it’s inescapable, until it twists inside your gut.

You don’t know what he’s doing now. Something strange is happening with your magic, causing your spine to tingle. You suppose it might have something to do with the weird glitchy version of yourself he’s currently fighting, but who knows. It really doesn’t matter either way though,  you remember. You try to stop thinking about it. You’ll probably never escape the thing controlling you, and why should you bother? You’ve never done much before, so why even start now.

Your thoughts are interrupted by a flash of pain. You had tuned out the fight and the odd feeling of your body dodging and attacking without any input from you, but now you are forced to notice the cut on your leg. It’s not even a bad cut, really, but, then again, it actually is pretty bad for a guy like you. 

An annoying voice coming from inside your own head startles you. 

“Oh jeez, man that’s.. that’s kind of wack.”

“So, Sans, any ideas man?” Surprisingly, he continues.

He was talking to you? He had gone this whole time ignoring you and now he talks, and it’s to ask something for his own benefit? God this guy was the worst.

“Aw man, do ya really think that of me?”

He can hear you. He could probably hear you this whole time, probably since the start and you didn’t know. He probably heard everything you thought.

“Oh you didn’t know, huh,” He snickers.

“That’s actually hilarious dude.”

It’s not, actually, and it sends your soul racing with the ideas of what he knows.

“Woah chillax man. I already knew most of that stuff anyway,” he explains. “So, you got any ideas or not?”

If you were honest, your only idea includes simply walking away, but you aren’t sure how to do that considering most of the area is destroyed. 

Now that you look properly, you are standing on a floating rock. In space. 

“Well, couldn’t we both all up and just poof away?”

You couldn’t “all up and just poof away”, because a lot of your energy was used on fighting. The little bit the creature in your head had gathered would not be enough to leave.

“Oh. That’s a bummer,” He lightly puts it.

“What about… how about…?” He trails off. Clearly you both have no plan.

Finally he seems to get it.

“Oh.”

Your body turns and you notice the other version of you that was fighting you had been talking this whole time. 

“…and how dare you hide in my favorite place. I hate you so much,” he rambled on. “I will destroy you because you are a filthy glitch!”

Horrifyingly, your body skates over to him and puts a finger over his mouth. You were under the impression you both wanted to live through this encounter, but no, apparently not.

The other guy furiously wipes his mouth back and forth with his sleeve, scowling. It’s a little hard to take him seriously when the jacket fabric against his teeth is making a ridiculous squeaky noise. It honestly reminded you a lot of when Papyrus cleaned the windows in your house. Laughter emanates from your mouth without your instruction. Though to be fair if you did have control, you might have laughed too.

“That’s ENOUGH! I’m sick of you!” He yells “You’re gonna pay for that!”

The other skeleton pulls a blue string from his eye socket and swings it towards you.

It wraps around your soul, which is floating within your right eye, and slams you towards the ground, flinging you towards a larger stretch of land. A sharp pain seems to stab you in your eye like shards of glass. A hiss of pain you didn’t make escapes you. 

You reach your hand toward your eye. That really hurt this time. Wait. You reach your hand. You have control.

“Wait WAIT! Let’s talk this out? One on one?”

And there’s the guy who was in charge.

You don’t care how panicked he sounds, you aren’t helping him anymore.

You reach into you pockets and feel for something. You’re going home. You pull out your house key. Papyrus bought you the dog keychain for it.

You start to walk until the way looks familiar and you arrive on your front porch.

“Bro, that’s not your house. This is an alternative version of your reality. It looks like ya house, but it ain’t. Get it?”

You don’t care. You slot the key into the door. It swings open with a satisfied click. You walk up to your room and lie down in your mattress. Someone will probably find you later, but you don’t care at the moment.

[camsthisky]

"you’re not alone . you’re stuck with me forever . sorry . ” + Jason and Dick (and anyone other family member)?

“Everyone okay?” Dick croaks as the dust and rubble settles around them. He’s lying on his back, kept still by something pinning his legs down. He doesn’t dare assess himself quite yet. “Hood? Batgirl?”

“Okay,” Cass says, and Dick watches as she stumbles over to him, looking dusty, but relatively alright. She kneels next to him with a frown. She meets his eyes—well, relatively since they’re both wearing masks—and asks, “Okay?”

Dick grimaces. “Not really.” Louder, he calls, “Red Hood?!”

“Here, here,” Jason says, coughing into his fist. He’s missing his helmet and there’s a gash sluggishly bleeding from his right cheek, smearing a trail of blood down his face. He’s also limping, but only slightly.

“Can you move?” Cass asks Dick as Jason pulls out his flashlight.

Dick winces at the sudden light, his mask having already automatically switched to night vision. He huffs. “Jay. Off.”

“Names.”

Dick scowls. “The light.”

“Deal with it,” Jason snaps. “My night vision isn’t working.”

Dick turns off his own night vision feature, if only to not be blinded by the damn flashlight if it passes over his eyes again.

That’s when Jason’s flashlight lands on where Dick is pinned.

“Crap,” Jason breathes.

“Can you move them?” Cass asks, sounding a touch more impatient, and Dick realizes that Cass has already asked once. “Your legs.”

“No,” says Dick, just barely trying. He’s tired, but he knows that time is up. He can’t get away with ignoring his own situation any longer. Probably shouldn’t have even waited this long. His legs are tingling from lack of blood flow, mixing with a sharp pain shooting through them both. Still he’s lucky, because—“I can still feel them, though.”

“We’ll lift,” Jason says to Cass, who nods. Dick closes his eyes and braces himself for the inevitable pain of rubble being lifted off his crushed legs.

“Hhh.”

The sounds he makes is nothing more than an agonized hissed through his teeth, and Dick can’t help the cold sweat that sweeps across his body in a slow wave as his siblings manage to move the slab of—wall, maybe? who knows, really—from where it’s crushing his poor legs.

Something taps against his shinbone and then his kneecap.

“Stop, stop, I feel it,” Dick gasps, bringing his legs up in a protective curl as pain throbs through most of his lower body. His left hip hurts like hell, and his every muscle, bone, and tendon feels like they’ve been squeezed and then flattened like a pancake. He rolls over onto his side so he can bring his knees up to his chest, to wait out the lingering intensity of the pain.

“Breathe,” Cass says.

Dick breathes.

He closes his eyes and blocks out everything and, again, just breathes. His siblings let him.

When he has a better grasp on his agony, Dick finally relaxes. The world filters back in. Cass is running fingers through Dick’s dusty hair (something she one hundred percent learned from Bruce, because only a select few know how much the motion tends to calm him down).

On the other hand, Dick blinks his eyes open to find Jason agitatedly pacing.

“The hell?” Jason murmurs, his flashlight whipping back and forth with his movements as he surveys their surroundings. “Did we get completely sealed in?”

Dick wishes desperately he would stop. Even without night vision, Jason’s impromptu strobe light effect is causing Dick’s head to ache. Instead of saying this, he hums contemplatively. “Wonder if there’s a signal this far down.”

Jason huffs, not slowing in the least. He’s searching for something, and dear god does Dick want him to find it already. “You’re the one with the comms in your ear. You try it.”

They’re in the sewers, is the thing. And while Bruce and Babs have designed the comms system to work incredibly well, even in the sewers, the signal still needs to be able to make it to the system in order to be functional.

With the three of them sealed in this place, seemingly with no way out, pretty deep in the sewer system where they had been disabling bombs throughout the city, Dick isn’t optimistic about their chances of getting a signal.

(They’d just been a few seconds too late for that last bomb, which unfortunately led them to their current circumstances.)

While Jason grumbles, Cass activates her emergency signal and the comms. She calls out, “Batman? Oracle?”

Jason shuts up for the five seconds before Cass looks between both Dick and Jason and shakes her head.

Dick lets out a slow exhale through his nose. He hadn’t really held out much hope for that anyways.

Jason groans. “Holy batcannoli, I can’t believe we’re stuck down here. And where’s my hecking helmet?!”

Cass helpfully points to the rubble sealing them in. Jason kicks a rock with a yell. Dick sighs.

“Well, at least you’re not alone down here,” Dick says as optimistically as he can—although, given the circumstances, it does fall a little flat.

Jason snorts. “Right. Sure, Batgirl is an asset, but you’re a sack of bruised bones right now. That’s not helpful in the slightest, Dickface.”

Dick’s eyelashes flutter of their own accord. He hums. “Too bad. Looks like you’re stuck with me. Sorry.”

“Dick,” Cass says, her fingers tracing lightly over his face. “Stay awake.”

“I am awake.”

“You’re starting to—” Cass pauses. Dick can’t see the look on her face, because somehow, his eyes have fully closed without his permission, and he can’t seem to find the strength to open them again. “—to slur.”

The sounds of Jason’s pacing stop. Silence rings loud in their sealed section of the sewers. Then, “Did he hit his head?”

“Not sure,” Cass answers.

“Dick,” Jason says, sounding quite a bit closer, like he’s maybe crouching down next to Cass or something—but Dick hadn’t heard him move, and Jason’s boots are too clunky to not make sound against the concrete. “Dick, did you hit your head?”

Dick’s eyebrows furrow, but he doesn’t open his eyes. He doesn’t remember hitting his head. The only thing he clearly remembers about the blast is heavy pieces of rubble crushing his legs. “Maybe?”

“Great,” Jason says. He’s pulling out his I’m-rolling-my-eyes-at-your-ridiculous-incompetency voice. “So my bruised bones of a big brother probably also has a concussion. Just great.”

“It’s not his fault he’s injured,” Cass tells Jason. “He was disarming the bomb.”

Which means Dick took the brunt of the blast when it was remotely activated.

Dick really means to tack onto Cass’s statement, maybe tease Jason a little and try to reassure both his younger siblings that not everything is hopeless, because he’s the best big brother ever, of course.

Only, he can’t find the strength to open his mouth and talk. Instead, the voices around him become watery, distorted, and Dick’s head flares in pain.

When unconsciousness comes to take him, he doesn’t resist.

—

“—manage to even find us in the first place?” is the first thing Dick hears as he swims back to consciousness. Jason almost sounds relieved.

“The seismic device didn’t just affect the sewers,” someone replies. It takes a lot of effort for Dick to recognize it as Tim. “A couple buildings partially collapsed, and since we knew the three of you were down here, it was a good starting point to look when none of you would answer the comms.”

“Huh,” is all Jason says.

“Nightwing,” Bruce says, startling Dick from the dazed lull he’d been in as he listened to his brothers talking. He opens his eyes, blinking up bewilderingly at what he can see of Bruce’s face behind the cowl.

“B?” Dick murmurs. He doesn’t move, yet, from where’s curled on his side, but he feels an abortive twitch of his fingers at the reassuring sight of Batman. “‘S goin’ on?”

“What do you remember?”

Right. Bruce did not give easy answers. Life is a series of puzzles, Dick Grayson, fueled by none other than Bruce Wayne himself.

Dick frowns and casts his mind back. “The wall blew up,” he decides. “I got hurt?”

He’s only half sure about that last one, but considering his position on the ground, the throbbing in his head and hip, and Bruce’s concerned dad frown that’s taking over his Batman grimace, Dick thinks that he’s probably on the right track.

“Concussion,” Cass says, startling Dick when she pops her head over Bruce’s shoulder. “Also, ‘a sack of bruised bones.’”

That—sounds familiar. He thinks he remembers Jason saying something like that.

Bruce’s frown gets deeper. “Straighten your legs.”

“Please,” Dick tacks on for Bruce when he lacks the manners to be nice, basically on instinct at this point, even as he—slowly, and with a great deal of agony—does what Bruce tells him to do.

They go through a couple more tests, until finally Bruce, unhappy, deems, “We need to move you.”

Dick blinks when Bruce turns away to murmur something to one of the others. A conversation washes over him, and Dick can’t help but let himself tune it out. The noise settles as vague humming—indistinct and comforting.

“—two, three,” Bruce says as Dick’s entire vision goes white.

He only manages to come back to himself in increments.

There are arms holding him tight. Familiar murmurs in his ear. The comforting sound of Batman’s heavy cape brushing against concrete.

“—there, Chum,” Bruce is saying, and if Dick had the capability, he would have teased Bruce for pulling out both the concerned dad frown and the concerned dad voice in one night.

As it is, the only thing that comes out of his mouth when he opens it are harsh pants for air. Every step jostles him, and agony is his constant companion throughout the entire journey to the surface.

Somehow, Dick is still conscious when he’s laid down in the backseat of the batmobile. He’s grateful he’s not moving anymore, and carefully doesn’t think of the upcoming ride back to the Cave.

He only really starts to relax when Bruce settles the cape over him. Wrapped up inside it, Dick almost feels like he’s ten years old again. Batman’s has always felt like warmth and protection and home. This time is no different.

“Batgirl and Robin, keep Nightwing as still as possible. Red Hood, in the front. Start updating Oracle.”

“Why do they—”

“You’re too bulky, Hood. Me and Batgirl are smaller than you. It’s still going to be a tight fit, but it’s the most comfortable for everyone this way.”

“Whatever.”

“Enough. Car. Now.”

There’s lots of careful but hurried scrambling. Dick thinks he passes out a few times on the way back. He doesn’t remember much, either. Just bits and snatches here and there—His siblings talking to him, Bruce giving orders, Jason being snappy and unwittingly dragging Tim into an argument.

And then—he wakes up. A lot more clear-headed than he’d felt the last time he’d been conscious (though, that wasn’t saying much).

To Dick’s surprise, he’s on his side again, dressed in sweats with a pillow between his legs. He opens his eyes to the Wayne Manor living room, and—yes, he’s on the couch. The curtains are drawn, but it’s clearly sometime past sunrise.

Bruce is sitting cross-legged in front of him, reading a book.

“Bruce?” Dick calls, his voice still somewhat slurred. “Why’m I on the couch?”

“You started crying when I said you had to stay in the infirmary,” Bruce tells him, grabbing a bookmark and setting his book off to the side.

Dick frowns. He doesn’t remember that. Still, he manages to say, “You’re such a pushover.”

“How do you feel?”

Dick blinks a dozen times in a row, trying to assess his body and keep up with the change in subject. “Kinda woozy. My hip hurts a lot.”

“Hn.”

“Think I need to brush up on my Bat speak,” Dick murmurs. “Dunno what that one meant.”

Bruce hums again. “You’re incredibly lucky. We’ll need to be careful for the next few weeks.”

“What’s the diagnosis, doc?”

“Crush injuries to your legs and left hip. Not overly severe, and we managed to stabilize you once we realized you were in shock.”

Dick thinks about that for a second. “Concussion? I’m pretty sure I remember something about a concussion.”

“It’s mild,” Bruce tells him. “It was the shock that was the real problem.”

“Oh.” Dick sighs into the pillow under his head. “I’m tired.”

Bruce gives him a soft smile, just slight enough that if Dick hadn’t been so familiar with Bruce’s microexpressions, he would have thought he’d been mistaken. Fingers lightly card through his hair, and Dick’s eyes start closing of their own accord.

“Then sleep,” Bruce says.

Dick sleeps.

[mggssocks]

In the Dark

Credit To Gif Creator.

Fem!Reader x Spencer Reid

Content warnings: only fluff!

Summary: Spencer isn’t only afraid of the dark, he’s also afraid of not being able to keep things in it. But the plan of doing so fails when he accidentally brings up your name in a conversation with the team.

Word Count: 2.6k

A/N: Hi! Been really busy but I wanted to get this out here so therefore this one kind of sucks lol. I didn’t do much spell checking so if you see any mistakes pls ignore it. Also I added a quote at the end like how they do in the show. Thank you for taking the time out of your day (or possible sleep schedule lol) to read this and if you like it give it a like, reblog or comment. Enjoys! <3

masterlist

The team laughed on the jet as hotch took the cards from each and every member to shuffle them.

“Look I’m just saying, there’s nothing wrong with being a little afraid of dogs.” Derek says in a defensive tone.

“They’re completely harmless.” JJ laughs.

“Actually,JJ, even though dogs aren’t completely dangerous, people should be aware that dogs of any age, including puppies, can sometimes carry harmful germs that can make people sick.” Spencer says.

JJ rolls her eyes as he continues. Derek zoned out half way through. Gideon zoned out from the beginning, staring at the table. Hotch laughed, amused at everyone’s reaction to their typical genius’ rants. Emily paid attention as she didn’t like to make Spencer feel bad about his rants.

“Don’t even get me started on bites which is estimated that one point five through two percent of the US population, from four point five to four point seven million people, are bitten by dogs yearly. Most bites occur in children.” He finished his sentence with a proud smile.

“See, it just proves my point. What person likes something that could hurt something so precious like a child.” Derek says.

“Penelope would be so disappointed with you, Derek.” Emily laughed.

“So I can’t be afraid of dogs but you guys can let pretty boy here slide while being scared of the dark?” Spencer furrows his eyebrows.

“Reid, you’re afraid of the dark?” Hotch asks, dealing out everyone’s cards.

“I told that to you and JJ in confidence!” Spencer whines.

“Just because you told that to us in confidence, Spence, doesn’t make it any less funny.” She laughs, sipping her bottled water.

“Darkness is a common fear!” Spencer defends himself.

“So are dogs!” Says Derek.

“Yeah but my fear has nothing to do with being attacked or hurt it’s just the inherent-“

“-Absence of light” JJ and Derek say at the same time.

“We get it, Spence.” JJ smiles sarcastically.

“You don’t because you keep making fun of me for it. And Y/N says that nothing is wrong-“

“Who’s Y/N?” Emily asked, picking up her cards. Finally, Gideon looked up.

Spencer’s white skin turned a deep shade of red at the realization that he just outed his relationship.

“Uh- she’s just a uh- a f-friend“

“A friend?” Asked Gideon.

Spencer just nods, afraid that if he speaks again he might let something else slip. He picks up his cards and slowly sinks into his seat.

*******

As they enter the bullpen, Penelope runs out straight to Spencer.

“Boy genius, you have a girlfriend?” She asks, following him back to his desk.

Spencer turns to Derek who has a shameless smirk on his face.

“What’s her name?” She asked while he set his things down.

“Y/N” Spencer mutters under his breath but loud enough for Penelope to hear.

“So you admit she’s your girlfriend?” Emily asks, settling down at her desk too.

Spencer looks up to her briefly before looking back down to his desk, not wanting to answer. As if on cue, his flip phone rings, your name popping up on the screen.

“Oh she’s calling. Answer it!” Penelope pokes both of her index fingers on him over and over excitedly.

Unfortunately for Spencer, his three team members that were around him tuned in.

He sighs and picks it up, answering.

“Hey Y/N.” He answers, turning away from the three.

“Hey! I was calling to see if we were still on for tonight.” You ask as you lean against your kitchen island.

“Yeah, of course. I just have to finish my work and I can meet you there. What time is the reservation?” He looks down to the watch on his wrist. His voice is quieter than when he picked up the phone.

“Are you whispering?” You question.

“What? No!” He whispers then clears his throat. “My voice is kind of messed up from yelling at an unsub.” The call falls silent as you internally question what reason he had to whisper.

“Y/N?” He calls, waiting for your response.

“It’s at 10 but the lady on the phone said if we get there earlier we might be able to get a better table.” You said, not acknowledging the obviously untrue statement.

“Okay, I’ll see you there. Bye. I love you.” He says.

“Bye. I love you more.” You hang up.

Spencer turns back around and sits at his desk, starting his work immediately.

“Everything okay, pretty boy?” Morgan lifted his eyebrows.

“Yeah- no- I’m fine.”  

****

Spencer walked to his car and pulled the keys out when he received a text on his phone. He pulls it out to see you texted him.

I canceled the reservation. He reads. He quickly dials up your number and you answer right away. “Hey.” You greet in a calm tone.

“Hey, what happened? Why’d you cancel the reservation?” He responds before getting in his car.

“We need to talk.” You tell him “I’ll be at your apartment.” You say before hanging up.

“Wha- Y/N?” He looks at his phone seeing that the call ended.

When he opens his apartment door, he’s greeted by you sitting on the couch, holding a pillow against yourself.

“Y/n, what was that call about?” He asks, shutting and locking the door behind him.

“We need to talk.” You look up at him as he sets his things down and sits on the couch across from you. His eyebrows furrowed with concern “Everything okay?” he asks.

“No- yeah everything is fine. For me….” Spencer tilts his head, confused.

“W-what do you mean by that?” He asks.

“Spencer, we’re both young and have our whole lives ahead of us. You have a busy job and so do I. I really want the best of us and I-“

“Are you breaking up with me?” He asks.

“No of course not! I just… I don’t know how to say this so I’ll just show you.” You reach in between you and the pillow and pull out the flat rectangular box. You set it between the two of you and slide it more towards him. His eyes lingers on yours before they move to the box. His hand hovers over the box before he grabs it. He doesn’t waste time opening it and he pauses as soon as he opens it. The white stick with two red lines going down.

“You’re pregnant?” He looks back up at you. You nod, a small smile forming on your face.

He shakes his head, mouth agape. For a second, you’re worried but then he starts to smile.

“I’m going to be a dad?” He looks back at the test. You tackle him with a hug and he wraps his arms around you. Next thing you know, you’re both settled comfortably on the couch. He’s sitting right but relaxed, lost in thought of possible variations of what your baby could look like. Meanwhile your head is in his lap while he strokes your hair, lost in thought of who all you were gonna tell.

“Who are we gonna tell?” You think out loud.

That’s when Spencer realized you’re pregnant and his team hasn’t even met you yet. You already know about Diana but you’ve never actually got to meet her. Spencer has met your parents on the other hand. Your mother who comes from a wealthy family wanted you to date some type of doctor or lawyer or someone with money in general. She was very surprised when you came home with Spencer. It took some time but she slowly warmed up to him. On the other hand, your wealthy father was very accepting of Spencer immediately. He could tell Spencer’s intentions were pure. He loved him off the bat.

“Your parents.” He shrugs.

“My mother won’t be too pleased.” You roll your eyes.

“She’ll have to learn to deal with it. Like she did me.” He laughs. You giggle in response.

“What about your team?” You ask, looking up at him.

He freezes and the realization hits you. “You still haven’t told them about us.” You state.

“No! They know about you.” it technically wasn’t a lie but it’s not like they would’ve known about you had he not slipped up.

You sigh “okay. It would be nice to meet them.” You sit up “I’m going to bed.” You place a kiss on his lips and go to lay down in his bed.

*********

The alarm rings and you reach over a peacefully sleeping Spencer to stop it. You never understood how he slept through that thing. It sounded like someone banging pots and pans.

“Spencer” you shake him awake “your alarm” his eyes slowly flutter open.

“I thought it was a dream.” He groans. You giggle and kiss the tip of his nose “It’s time to get up.”

You slip on the shirt that he had worn yesterday and button up the last few buttons as you watch him get ready for the day. You both talk here and there about your jobs to fill the silence for a while before the conversation dies down again.

“I don’t want to leave you.” Spencer says, standing in the mirror as he ties his Burgundy tie.

“I can drop you off.” You offer.

“That would be great. I’ll put lives at risk if I drive with how tired I am.” He says, putting a sock on one by one.

You stand up and go over to the dresser to put some leggings on “we wouldn’t want that now, would we, Dr.Reid?” You smirk putting the bottoms on.

As you pull into the lot in Spencer’s car, you give him a kiss goodbye and he quickly hops out. You start to head out the parking lot to go lay down in Spencer’s bed on your day off. But then you look over in the passenger seat and see Spencer’s phone that he left. You sigh and make a U turn, going back to park.

“Would you be able to return this cell phone to Dr.Reid? He works on the sixth floor.” You ask the security guard.

“I can’t, ma’am. That is personal property, you would have to return it yourself.” He informs you.

“Oh- how would I do that? I thought I couldn’t go in?” You ask.

“You can sign in as a desk and go in.” He says You quickly thank him and make your way in through the main entrance because in order to use the side door, you have to have a passcode.

Once you sign in and show your ID and things like that, they offer you a sticker and you put your name on it before sticking it on Spencer’s shirt. They let you through and you go straight through to his floor.  You step off the elevator and have know idea where to go, so you look around, maybe hopeful that you’ll just see him.

You see the actual doors to the bullpen and decide to go in there. To be completely honest you looked like a freshman on the first day of high school. You see a blonde woman walking past so you decided to ask her.

“Excuse me.” You call. She turns to you “Have you seen Spencer Reid?” She eyes you suspiciously.

“Yeah you just missed him, he went to the restroom.” She tells you. You nod and look around. “Do you want to wait at his desk?” She offers. You nod and she leads you to the space.

“Hey, JJ, who’s this?” The Black haired girl looks at you.

JJ looks at you, with an idea of who you are but not completely sure so she doesn’t say it.

“Y/N.” You reach your hand out to the woman. Her and JJ turn to each other. She slowly nods her head. “Emily,” she replies. You take a seat at Spencer’s chair.

“Penelope, let it go.” You hear from behind you, causing you to turn. You see the handsome muscular man with another blonde woman. They both stop in their tracks and look at you.

“Wait.. let me guess.. Y/N?” Says the man.

You smile and stand up “You’d be correct. How’d you know?”

“Reid wore that shirt yesterday.. and your name tag. I’m Derek.” He shakes your hand briefly before he points to the shirt you had on and walks around you, you assume to his desk.

“Penelope.” The other woman shakes your hand excitedly.

“Y/N. Nice to meet you.” You smile and sit back down.

“So you’re Spencer’s girlfriend?” She asks.

You nod rather than say anything.

“Y/N?” You turn around and see Spencer walking towards all of you.

“Spencer” you meet him halfway “You left your phone in the car and then I tried to get the security to give it to you but then he said I have to be the one to give it to you-“ you try to explain but he cuts you off.

“It’s okay” he takes it from you and chuckles. You embrace him in a hug just as Gideon and Hotchner come out of their offices.

“I’ll see you later.” You give him a kiss goodbye on his cheek and leave him to work.

“That’s Spencer’s girlfriend,” Hotch says to Gideon. “I see.” He responds.

After you’re out of sight, Spencer turns back around to see his team with sung smirks on their faces.

“What?” His eyebrows furrow.

“I’ll see you later’” Morgan mocks and begins making kissing noises.

“Leave him alone,” Emily smiles.

“She is so adorable.” Penelope grabs Spencer’s hands and brings him his chair. “Tell us everything. Like what she’s like. But outside of what we’ve already seen.”

“well.. she’s sweet, funny, cheerful, supportive, just an all around amazing person. I mean she does have those moments where she’s a little stubborn like the other night I wanted her the last pepperoni pizza but she wanted me to have it so she refused to eat it. But other than that… she’s completely flawless. She’s gonna be a great mother.” He says, lost in thought.

“Mother?” Morgan asks.

Spencer looks over in Morgan's direction and proudly smiles “she’s pregnant.”

Penelope gasps exaggeratedly, “I call fairy godmother.” She says and Morgan’s eyebrows raise.

“How far along is she?” JJ asks.

“Eleven weeks.” He answers.

“Wow! Congrats, Spence!” Emily exclaims.

He turns and sees Gideon and Hotch. “We have a case.” Says Hotch.

The team goes congratulating Spencer one by one as they walk past him.

Hotch and Gideon stay behind them and Spencer goes up to the two.

“Congratulations. You’re gonna do great.” Gideon says before walking off to join the team. “Thanks,” he whispers. He turns to Hotchner who was staring at him.

“You know.. I never expected to be a father. Especially as early as this.” Spencer chuckles.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked.

“I only found out last night. I mean, I’m pretty excited but I don’t know If I’m ready.” Spencer sticks his hands in his pockets

“You’re gonna feel like that up until the birth. But when you hold that baby in your hands, you’ll know.” Hotch explains.

“Did you feel that way with Jack?” Spencer asks.

“Did I.” Hotchner responds, smiling.

Spencer laughs. “Meet us in the round table room.” Hotch says walking away. Before he could get too far, he turned around. “And Reid.” Spencer looks up and turns to him. “Congratulations” is all he says before continuing his path to the conference room.

Spencer smiles.

‘The darkness does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that costs our joy into the shadows.’ - Brene Brown

[neon-draws-sometimes]

Fresh Out of Luck

The normal uncomfortable feeling in your head is spreading, spreading down your spine and weaving itself in between your ribs. It keeps moving further until it’s inescapable, until it twists inside your gut.

You don’t know what he’s doing now. Something strange is happening with your magic, causing your spine to tingle. You suppose it might have something to do with the weird glitchy version of yourself he’s currently fighting, but who knows. It really doesn’t matter either way though,  you remember. You try to stop thinking about it. You’ll probably never escape the thing controlling you, and why should you bother? You’ve never done much before, so why even start now.

Your thoughts are interrupted by a flash of pain. You had tuned out the fight and the odd feeling of your body dodging and attacking without any input from you, but now you are forced to notice the cut on your leg. It’s not even a bad cut, really, but, then again, it actually is pretty bad for a guy like you. 

An annoying voice coming from inside your own head startles you. 

“Oh jeez, man that’s.. that’s kind of wack.”

”So, Sans, any ideas man?” Surprisingly, he continues.

He was talking to you? He had gone this whole time ignoring you and now he talks, and it’s to ask something for his own benefit? God this guy was the worst.

“Aw man, do ya really think that of me?”

He can hear you. He could probably hear you this whole time, probably since the start and you didn’t know. He probably heard everything you thought.

“Oh you didn’t know, huh,” He snickers.

“That’s actually hilarious dude.”

It’s not, actually, and it sends your soul racing with the ideas of what he knows.

“Woah chillax man. I already knew most of that stuff anyway,” he explains. “So, you got any ideas or not?”

If you were honest, your only idea includes simply walking away, but you aren’t sure how to do that considering most of the area is destroyed. 

Now that you look properly, you are standing on a floating rock. In space. 

“Well, couldn’t we both all up and just poof away?”

You couldn’t “all up and just poof away”, because a lot of your energy was used on fighting. The little bit the creature in your head had gathered would not be enough to leave.

“Oh. That’s a bummer,” He lightly puts it.

“What about… how about…?” He trails off. Clearly you both have no plan.

Finally he seems to get it.

“Oh.”

Your body turns and you notice the other version of you that was fighting you had been talking this whole time. 

“…and how dare you hide in my favorite place. I hate you so much,” he rambled on. “I will destroy you because you are a filthy glitch!”

Horrifyingly, your body skates over to him and puts a finger over his mouth. You were under the impression you both wanted to live through this encounter, but no, apparently not.

The other guy furiously wipes his mouth back and forth with his sleeve, scowling. It’s a little hard to take him seriously when the jacket fabric against his teeth is making a ridiculous squeaky noise. It honestly reminded you a lot of when Papyrus cleaned the windows in your house. Laughter emanates from your mouth without your instruction. Though to be fair if you did have control, you might have laughed too.

“That’s ENOUGH! I’m sick of you!” He yells “You’re gonna pay for that!”

The other skeleton pulls a blue string from his eye socket and swings it towards you.

It wraps around your soul, which is floating within your right eye, and slams you towards the ground, flinging you towards a larger stretch of land. A sharp pain seems to stab you in your eye like shards of glass. A hiss of pain you didn’t make escapes you. 

You reach your hand toward your eye. That really hurt this time. Wait. You reach your hand. You have control.

“Wait WAIT! Let’s talk this out? One on one?”

And there’s the guy who was in charge.

You don’t care how panicked he sounds, you aren’t helping him anymore.

You reach into you pockets and feel for something. You’re going home. You pull out your house key. Papyrus bought you the dog keychain for it.

You start to walk until the way looks familiar and you arrive on your front porch.

“Bro, that’s not your house. This is an alternative version of your reality. It looks like ya house, but it ain’t. Get it?”

You don’t care. You slot the key into the door. It swings open with a satisfied click. You walk up to your room and lie down in your mattress. Someone will probably find you later, but you don’t care at the moment.

[nevereverlandboys]

Different Pulses 

Pairing: Felix x Reader

Warnings: Swearing

Summary: After Pan gets defeated, Y/N and Felix live together in Storybrooke with the "heroes". They both don't get along and seem to avoid each other, until the "heroes" need to leave them alone to save Henry from another threat. Will Y/N get along with the cold, distant boy?

Part: (1/?)

@madd-devil

This story is heavily inspired by "When it's cold" by:

@the-original-weirdo-83

@peter-pan-on-neverland

Y/N's eyes wandered through the small room, from the small bed to the huge window, stopping at the small drawer underneath it, before finally stepping further in. The walls were dyed light blue and besides a big clock and a flat screen they were empty. There was nothing unusual with this room, nothing really striking and yet it still felt a little strange. She walked forwards and ripped the dark curtains away, opening the window to welcome the golden sunlight into the room, warming her skin. The air smelled different and even the birds chirped in another tune. It seemed as if this world was quieter than the other, less dangerous and more welcoming. For a moment Y/N was soaked into the moment and drifted off into her thoughts, as suddenly some cursing in the next room ripped the girl out of her thoughts. With an annoyed snarl, she rolled her eyes and let herself drop onto the small bed, trying to ignore the sounds that probably came from the grumpy former second in command. After all, he still did not like being taken from Neverland, as he found himself with Y/N in a new home in Storybrooke. He still did not fit in and fought with everything he had to integrate. The second in command was stubborn and feisty, hot-tempered and constantly in a bad mood. Felix had barely granted Y/N a smile since they came off the Island and after he was brought into Mary Margaret's and David Charmings flat, everything went worse. The lost boy usually locked himself up inside his room, stayed there until after dinner to grab himself the leftovers, before vanishing back behind the wooden door. He never seemed to understand the technology around him, not even trying to understand it, but getting angry instead if it did not work out like he had imagined it to.  Y/N on the other hand, found herself in a healthy relationship with her hosts real quick. They took it as their own responsibility to take both of them in, after Pan was defeated. Felix, because he was the most stubborn boy that would never find his peace in an orphanage and Y/N, because she was the only girl next to Wendy that lived with the lost boys. After all this time on the island, she found herself being close to Henry as well. The small, young boy was like a little brother to her, making the girl laugh and joining her whenever Mary Margaret would allow them to go out. She was a careful woman and even though she trusted Y/N, there was no reason for her not to be cautious. Also Y/N suspected Mary  not to act like granting the girl a privilege while Felix was still being guarded. 

Another loud yell from behind those walls disturbed the girls' peaceful daydreams once more, so she grabbed the pillow and pressed it over her head to muffle all the sound, trying her best to ignore everything around. It was a day too pretty for this and Y/N only wanted to relax, but not a few minutes of delightful silence later, she heard a knock on the wooden door. Moving her body properly under the sheets, she faced the door and mumbled just loud enough,"Come in."

The door swung open and revealed the former second in command's worried face, his sweaty hair hung down his face and he breathed so loud that the girl could literally feel anger flooding in the room. The atmosphere turned immediately tense and the room seemed to shrink around her with each second passing. Y/N held her breath and raised one eyebrow in confusion, trying her best to hide her insecurities behind a questioning look, as the lanky, blonde boy's eyes pierced her urgently. 

"Where is the little rat?" Felix spoke in a hoarse tone. 

"The ra-" She started confused. "Oh."

Henry.

"He took my cloak." Felix raged. "Where is the bastard, so I can smite him!"

"It's in the laundry." Y/N interrupted him before Felix would even try to hurt Henry and give him the fault for her doings. She found it in the bathroom and washed it along with the other laundry. The girl's voice was almost inaudible, well knowing the boy's temper from all the countless encounters with the other lost boys. Felix's eyes twitched and he gritted his teeth as he slowly came closer, one step after another, to close the distance that kept her away from him, the only distance that gave the girl at least a little bit of comfort. Henry could be glad to have to spend the time with the grumpy lost boy on weekends only. How much she envied him.

"What?" He snarled with his face just a few centimeters away from hers and for a moment her mind went blank, the only impulse she felt was to storm out of the room. As she crashed to the door, Y/N did not even bother to look back and swiftly grabbed her shoes and keys before leaving the apartment.  The door swung shut with a loud crash that echoed through every room as Felix swayed back in his own room, every cell inside him questioning why his heart felt so heavy. Y/N was not even sure if the lanky boy bothered to chase after her and if her actions seemed a little exaggerated, but when Felix built himself up in front of her, the girl's heart sank into the bottom of her body and fear overtook her mind. The former lost boy had been cruel to other boys for less than that.

She did not stay out for long, simply walked around the block to get some fresh air and to get some space from the tall boy. Also, because she knew that Mary would be mad if she was not home when the woman returned. The first week did not start well and Y/N let out a frustrated sight as she thought of the future. Mary and David left her alone with him half of the day, having the boy locked up in his room was not consoling though, the fact alone that he was present was enough to make her feel nervous. When she returned to the apartment, Felix was nowhere in sight, so she quickly snuck back into her room, hoping that he would leave her alone for the rest of the day. On the other hand, she had to make sure that he would not hurt Henry, the poor boy did nothing wrong. For a moment Y/N hesitated until she decided to get Felix's cloak from the washing line on the balcony. Not a surprise that the asshole did not know it was there, when he never left his room. Still, the girl felt a little curious when she thought of what he might do all day by himself- especially with no understanding of technology. Was he not bored? There was no convincing answer that she could think of and Y/N wondered if she would find out as she strutted with the big cloak in her hands towards Felix's room. She  knocked at the door and immediately regretted it after the previous events. Nevertheless she tried to be brave and push her fear aside, telling herself that the former second in command was not threatening at all.

She knocked again when nothing happened and suddenly some angry footsteps stomped into her direction-, firm and loud, before the tall boy ripped the door wide open, revealing his furious face.

"What the fuck do you want?" Felix growled, the veins of his neck throbbing and his hands pressed so tightly into fists that his knuckles turned white. 

"I-...eh." Y/N stammered nervously and tightened her grip onto the cloak. Her eyes widened as she thought, He would not hurt me, would he? "I have your-"

"Keep that!" Felix interrupted her, his words were like poison.

Felix slammed the door shut before  the girl could say another  word, leaving her in the dark hallway with an unsettling feeling inside her guts that something was wrong. But how could she even tell what? Felix never spoke to her that much and it was pretty obvious that he would not do more in the future. All Y/N knew was that the grumpy boy missed the island and that he missed Pan, even though the girl never understood his obedience to the green devil. Peter Pan was manipulative and evil and she was glad he never left Neverland alive. Felix couldn't give her the fault for his loss, she had never helped the heroes and even refused as the only one next to him to say a word. Well, Y/N opened up quicker and befriended the "heroes" after everything they did. It was a saint if she could speak freely about it. The cloak must mean a lot to Felix, or else he would never be this angry, even for a boy who had a tendency to violence-, he never hurt Y/N before. She really hoped he would take it back and overcome his rage. The idea that Felix might only looked for a reason to hate Henry more occured her a few minutes later, but it was an unspoken thought that seemed to be way too assumptious.

"I am sorry about Peter." She moved her forehead onto the wooden door, resting it there for a bit and after a while she watched a single tear drop down onto the ground. Peter was not completely evil, not to Y/N at least and deep inside he was a loss to her as well. There was a short time where Felix seemed to be nice too, back on Neverland just weeks before Peter got defeated. He had shown the girl a flower field and tickled her until some boy's would crossy their way and disturb that lovely moment. It was the first and only time he had ever been close in a comforting way. Since then, Y/N had always hoped to see the boy underneath this rusty shell, but it was all gone since the second he stepped off the boat.

The door stayed closed and she stared at Felix's cloak, wondering what to do with it. When Y/N returned to her own room and snuck underneath the covers, the cloak was still under her arm. It did not smell like Felix anymore. The ticking of the clock was the only sound filling the room, capturing the girl's eyes to check the time- six pm. It was late, almost time for Mary Margaret to come back from work and cook some dinner, and when it was time for Y/N to sleep, David would come home too and Emma would come tomorrow, to bring Henry over for the weekend. Y/N barely saw David. He was always busy with his work in the police station and would get home late in the night. He left Felix and her up to Mary and Emma, which was definitely a hard task thinking of the rebellious boy next to Y/N's room. The man could not stand the former lost boy, the girl had seen it in his eyes when Emma brought her onto the ship, back then,  from escaping Neverland. Felix's emotions seemed mutual and everyone around could sense it. That both of them were separated most of the time, was not so bad after all. Mary Margarett even tried to take it as an opportunity to get to know more about the former lost boy, but all her attempts failed. The boy kept shut, would not reveal his past and barely replied to any of the woman’s actions. It was tiring to watch, quite a show though. It seemed like a boring game of charade, in which Mary kept asking him countless questions and then tried to interpret his annoyed growls as he ate some cereal. Breakfast was a strict rule for him to join and dinner to avoid. 

Y/N rolled over and grabbed her phone, turning some music on to change her thoughts and kill the silence. Even though it was so early, she felt how her eyelids were getting heavy, how she slowly drifted off into sleep, using the cloak as a pillow. Throwing it away was not an option for her, there could always come a time where the former lost boy would demand it back. 

It felt like a whole night when the girl woke up from a strange feeling of someone pulling on something underneath her. Out of reflex, she tightened the grip on the cloak in her arms. The pulling got stronger and when she realised that this was not a dream, she slowly opened her tired eyes.

"I changed my mind." Felix scoffed. "I want it back."

With a mind still dizzy and drunk from sleep, Y/N's sight was still so blurry, that it was hard to catch up and she needed a moment to follow the lost boy's words. He obviously meant the cloak, but why did he make such a fuss about it when he did not want it in the first place? 

"Y/N?" He pronounced her name so carefully when he realised her eyes were closing again. She did not respond. 

The sound of Felix's knees hitting the floor startled the girl out of sleep, finding herself sitting bolt upright in bed, pressing the cloak with widened eyes tightly against her chest. He let out an amused chuckle, grinning from ear to ear. Being fully awake now, Y/N realised why the tall boy was here and she slowly reached her hand forward, handing the boy his cloak over. What the hell did he do in the middle of the night inside her room? Why could this not wait? Her eyes wandered to her phone on the small nightstand-, it was eight pm and winter. It caused the girl to genuinely laugh to herself.

"Sorry for washing it." She whispered meek, avoiding Felix's gaze and dropped her head back onto the pillow before turning  away from him to close her eyes. 

"It's all right." With that Felix quickly made his way back to his own room, the door closing so quick as if he had run.

The next day he kept quiet, did not say a word at breakfast, not even a snarky comment towards Henry who was constantly talking about one of his favourite movies and its heroes. The word 'hero' usually was enough to make the former lost boy explode. Not this time. His steel like eyes were glued onto his bowl as he ate in silence. Later he would sit in the living room, watching some TV that Henry forgot to turn off and would not even complain when Y/N joined and switched the channel. For a moment she felt his eyes burning on her skin. When she met his gaze, the former lost boy rose to his feet and walked away, slamming his door to confirm he was in his room now. Felix was strange and not the friendliest boy for sure. Still, Y/N had the feeling that there was more behind his behaviour that he would let her on and that he exaggerated an act. Mary would give her some tasks over the time like getting the groceries, which she would really appreciate doing, since it was a great way to get out. Y/N and Felix were no prisoners of course and the cold of the thick snow creeping in from the outside would keep her under her covers anyway. There never has been snow on Neverland. It was entirely strange and yet so familiar, waking a nostalgic feeling inside the girl. When Y/N found her way to the grocery store, there was no one to harm her and she had all the time she needed to wander through the different Isles and shove anything she liked into the shopping cart. There were no lost boys with spears and torches, that would hunt the girl down until her feet would bleed. No Pan that played his dangerous, manipulative games, that only entertained him in a twisted, sadistic way,  satisfying him, that it could already be a kink. 

It was freedom. 

The good snacks from the store disappeared immediately inside the drawer, keeping it safe from Henry or Felix. Both had the tendency to steal Y/N's food. She would often cook for herself, learning new skills since there was nothing else to do anyways. As soon as Mary returned, the girl hoped she would bring some more groceries, but she got disappointed. The snow held her off too long, the mood to go into the supermarket was simply gone and Y/N could understand that.

"You can go with Henry." She smiled and grabbed herself something to drink from the fridge. 

"When will he be here?" Y/N asked, raising an eyebrow as she waited for an answer. The short haired woman slowly turned around, her face seemed to be frozen in an unbelieving, perplexed and slightly fearing frown.

"Isn't he here alr-" She stopped and both of their heads shot into the same direction when a key was put inside the front lock, turning and unlocking the door. The girl expected the young boy to get home, instead, Emma stormed into the apartment, shortly followed by David and the girl already saw on their faces that something was wrong. Mary let go of what she was doing and closed the distance between them with quite some concern on her face.

"They took Henry!" Emma bursted out, her eyes searching the room as if her son could just hide somewhere and would just magically appear any moment. She looked full of hope. David gently rubbed her back and told Mary to get her things. They always seemed to find trouble and now Y/N finally understood what Felix meant, when he once claimed that their hero being was only a facade and they were the true danger. Were they? Henry was gone and that was because he was so important to these women.

"Who took him?" Y/N asked worriedly.

"Stay out of this, you are not a part of this." Emma ignored the question and  gently shoved the former lost girl out of her way to get her keys. She ripped the door wide open and jumped down the hallway without bothering to close it, expecting the others to follow quickly. 

"We will get Henry back." Mary turned to Y/N, trying to comfort her by holding her hands. "You don't have to worry."

It was not the young boy she worried about and the short haired woman knew that. With a quick glance back to Felix's closed door, Y/N gulped and immediately shook her head.

"I can come with you!" She protested at the thought of being all alone with the former second in command.

"No," Mary said and sighted. "I need you here."

Her gaze wandered off to Felix's door again and her look grew frustrated. Y/N followed with her eyes and nodded before facing the short haired woman again. She turned to the counter and grabbed her purse to pull out her wallet.  Then she collected all the money she had and put it in a sugar box inside the shelf. 

"I trust you enough." Her words meant a lot. "Besides, once in a while Regina will check up on you two."

With that, Mary Margaret turned around and gave David a final nod, before both of them left the apartment to join their daughter in the car. As soon as Y/N closed the door behind them, everything went into an uncomfortable silence. There was no single sound instead of the unbearable striking of the clock hanging on the kitchen wall. 

"Great." Y/N moaned quietly. At least they could have told her who took Henry and for what possible reason. The adults would always seem to know better and in this case they decided it would be better to keep Felix and her out of this. Did they really want to leave her out of it, or was Y/N just not to be trusted? Felix would easily try to convince her about that. The former lost boy probably would not  care  at all. It was smart of Mary Margaret to hide some money for Y/N. The fridge was almost empty and she wondered how long they would be away and when she would need food. There was nothing good inside it, nothing appealing, so  Y/N closed the door and strutted back to her room. Dropping into the sheets, she grabbed the remote next to her pillow and turned on the TV. Henry had shown her how to use it real quick as he often joined the girl to play video games. All those years living here and using all these things caused him to always be smarter and it was the first thing Y/N noticed that Felix disliked about him. At the end, there were countless things the scarred up boy hated, but Henry was always the center of his anger. 

With the time passing by, the rumbling in the girl's stomach got louder until her tummy literally screamed for something to eat. Back in the kitchen, there was still nothing  appealing and with a quick glance to Felix's wooden door, she wondered if the former lost boy would like to eat something too. Each step further towards his room felt more heavy and Y/N's stomach turned inside out. The moment her knuckles knocked against the cool wood, she questioned why she even tried to be nice and get along with him. The floor was cold, maybe she should have put on some socks or turned on the heater. There was no sound on the other side of the wood and Y/N started to wonder if Felix was even home, when suddenly some heavy footsteps slowly strutted closer. Felix swayed the door wide open and rubbed his tired eyes, then rested his heavy head on the doorframe. He only wore some grey sweatpants, revealing his scars on his pale chest. The air around the girl thickened and her body heated up at the sight of his messy, sweaty morning hair. 

"Sorry." She mumbled and avoided looking at him. His presence alone caused shivers to run down her spine. "Did I wake you?"

"M-hm." Felix grumbled tiredly, fighting to keep his eyes open. Y/N's eyes wandered back to the open kitchen and its clock. It was four o'clock.

"Are you hungry?"

The tall boy remained silent for a moment, his dull eyes staring at the girl as if he did not understand the question, turned to look at his bed, then slightly nodded with his head as if it was the hardest thing to do.

"I could eat." He spoke with a deep, raspy voice, laying his focus back onto Y/N. Fuck, he sounded so hot, it caught her off guard and left her unable to speak for a glimpse moment. 

"I am ordering food." She said after a small moment. "What would you like?"

Felix pressed his brows together, then lifted one in confusion. "How does that work?" He asked and Y/N chuckled in amusement, feeling how her stiffened limbs relaxed. 

"You choose a restaurant and then decide what you want to eat." She explained and showed the blonde boy her phone. "They deliver it and you pay."' 

"Ah."

Y/N were not sure if Felix was not understanding it, or simply did not like it. He brought his hands up to his arms and rubbed the scarred skin, feeling how cold it was and finally bothered to put on a T-shirt. If Y/N were honest with herself, she liked Felix's exposed back. Muscles danced under tender flesh, as arms stretched upon the ceiling, forward and crooked together, pulling the cotton over his chest. Back on Neverland, Felix always seemed to be violent and rough, harsh to others and never in a good mood. There has not changed much, yet the dangerous, threatening touch was missing since he came to Storybrooke with Y/N. He was bent to new rules now. 

"Pizza." Felix said and stepped closer, closing the distance and bent down to take a glimpse of the menu. "Do they have some?"

Y/N's skin started to prickle when she felt his breath against her cheek and immediately froze in place. Why was he so close? 

"You know Pizza?" She asked unsure, still a little curious. Felix smirked and let out a husky chuckle. "Sure I do."

He walked past her into the kitchen, grabbed a glass of water, gulped it down, filled another one, gulped it down, but when he repeated that for a third time, the second in command could not finish it and disposed of the remains in the sink.  He turned around to check the time and widened his eyes as he realised how late it already was.

"The days are dark during winter." The boy mentioned with a side-along gaze, as if he knew that she might have criticised him for sleeping that long. Y/N did not know how to respond, but was confident enough to join the tall boy in the kitchen, pulling the chair back and taking a seat at the table. Both of them did not say a word and with each second passing in silence, she regretted sitting there with him even more. 

"Why did you run from me earlier?" The question caught her off guard, she needed a moment to think for the right answer. The girl tilted her head in Felix's direction, his eyebrows were lifted up in a questioning look and he leaned at the counter, waiting for the girl to open her mouth and speak.  He was just curious, not too gruff nor angry. 

"You scare me sometimes." Y/N admitted. "It's like being back in Neverland."

The former lost boy nodded disappointed and shifted his gaze out of the window to hide half of his features as if she would ever be able to read them.

"You really did not like the Island." The boy stated, receiving a light nod as an answer. "Was it so bad?"

"There were no toilets."

Felix could not help but chuckle, a warm genuine smile spread over his face and he nodded his head in agreement when he faced her again. 

"Toilets sure are great." He laughed. "Or warm running water."

Felix pushed himself away from the counter and slendered over to the girl, taking a seat on the chair in front of her. "It took me three days to find out how that works, by the way." He added after a small pause. Y/N could only shake her head in response and give him a brief smile. "Must have been cold."

The tall boy agreed in silence and crossed his arms in front of his chest, waiting for the food to arrive. He would disappear for a while to go to the bathroom, giving her some space to clear her mind. All she could think about was how beautiful the former second in command looked when he smiled, making her nervous the longer he stayed with her. For a moment, it seemed like he was another person when she was all alone with him. 

"Where are the others?" Felix asked when he returned from the bathroom, pulling the chair around to straddle it. 

"Someone took Henry." Y/N admitted low, not even wanting him to know that, well aware that he would only mock this situation, probably having expected such a thing sooner or later. 

"Hm.’' Felix let out an amused chuckle and gave her a winning smirk, one that said,"Told you so!"

"We're on our own for a while." The girl said, checking her phone for a message from the delivery guy. Not long. Almost here. How the time had passed by.

"I am  fucking happy they are gone." Felix snorted and rolled his eyes."They were such a pain in the ass."

At least they gave him a home and clothes, food and no worries about his current life. That was something and even though Y/N knew how beautiful the Island could be, the former lost boy had not been safe there. None of them were. How could he still be so blinded after all? Y/N wanted to respond but decided to keep her mouth shut. Right at that moment the doorbell rang. Shifting from her seat, Y/N strutted over to the door and opened it, waiting a few moments for the delivery guy to get up the stairs and hand her the Pizza. She pulled a twenty dollar bill out of her pocket and handed it over to the man before closing the door. The boxes felt hot on her cool hands and the smell of fat, cheese and pepperoni filled the room, making the girl realise how hungry she actually was. Felix's stomach started to rumble when she started to cut her Pizza, so she assumed he did not have any breakfast either. For a moment the girl really enjoyed the boy's company and hoped he would stay longer, but she was also sure that he would take his food and vanish as quickly as he used to do. Yet, Felix never ceased to amaze her. He waited in silence until she was done cutting, then he took the knife and in that moment her fingers touched his, she felt  a quick, electric sensation followed by butterflies rumbling in her stomach. Taking the Pizza, she quickly strutted into the direction of your room to hide her sudden joy, just to be stopped by Felix calling her name.

"Where are you going?"

"Into my room?" Y/N gave confused back ,wondering why he would want her to accompany him all of the sudden.

"Oh- I thought…" Felix sounded disappointed.

"Oh…" Her eyes widened and maybe she sounded a bit too harsh. "I thought you wouldn't want-"

"Nevermind." Felix barked harshly and swiftly vanished behind his own door, not even giving the girl a chance to say another word. Damn, this boy was so sensitive, his mood was constantly switching and Y/N wished to find out why he was always  so pessimistic about everything. Not now, she thought, not now. First she would eat, then she would take care of that matter. 

The boy let out an annoyed sight when he opened his door after Y/N knocked not long after she finished eating. Felix was eating the last slice of his pizza and held the empty box in his other hand.

"Why are you always coming to me?" He snarled.

"I just care about you! For god’s sake! You act so fucking mean since we came here and I wonder why." She raised her voice and knitted her eyebrows together in a serious manner

"Please don't do this." Felix moaned theoretically. "Please don't act as if you cared!"

Felix swiftly turned around and threw the empty box of Pizza aside. His fast movements caused her to flinch a little, but still she managed to remain calm.

"You don't care!" He snarled. "Nobody cares. Just leave me alone."

The tall boy did not need to turn around and give her a final glare, he made it clear that she was not wanted and no matter how much he needed her help, she respected his wishes. Y/N had really no thought to waste about him when she went straight into the bathroom to take a bath that might cool her nerves. That fucking audacity and this childish behaviour, as if Felix really meant what he was saying. They both knew he was not serious and that he was simply lying to himself about his emotions. There was no place for love in his heart after being manipulated by Pan for so long, nor  for friendship. Y/N did not care what the former second in command told himself about their friendship, it all has been a lie and a game for Pan, something to entertain him. It was worthless. His loss meant nothing, still Y/N cared how Felix felt about the betrayal of every former boy.

While she stripped off her clothes, the girl waited for the bathtub to be filled with hot water and bubbles, a metaphorical way to clean her thoughts when diving in. She should rather think about helping someone out and earn some money, so she could afford buying her own things. She splashed the water with her fingers and slowly sank deeper into the bathtub to enjoy the silence. The hot steam filled the room and when her thoughts drove off to something pleasantly, she almost forgot the time. Back in Neverland there was nothing to worry about time, the days were almost all the same and no one was there to rush someone. Things have barely changed in Storybrooke, since there was nothing to do for Y/N and the lanky lost boy, so they needed to find something to kill the time. 

It had been an eternity since the girl had taken a proper bath and maybe it was time to get out, but the hot water remained too tempting for her to step out. With a deep breath she closed her eyes and leaned back, as suddenly a door slammed shut, immediately telling her that Felix was leaving his room again. His slow footsteps definitely made their way towards the bathroom and Y/N realised that she did not lock the door. She did not really forget to lock the door, right? The girl could not recall it and to get out of the water, to check was too late, as she watched agonised how the door handle went down and the door swung wide open, causing her heart to skip a beat. The tall lost boy did not seem to notice her at first, but as soon as he entered the steamy room, Felix froze in place. His eyes widened and his face turned blank. For a long moment, they both stared at each other and Y/N felt relieved that she was at least covered by a thick foam of bubbles. 

"Fuck, sorry...I-" Felix stuttered through half open lips, as if the little sight of a girl's skin was enough to steal his voice. It gave Y/N her confidence back.

"I didn't mean to-" the boy still couldn't open his mouth while his gaze burned holes through her. It took him a moment, but suddenly Felix shook his head to ban whatever he was thinking about and shifted his eyes away, then turned on his heels to swiftly leave the bathroom. 

At least he could have closed the door, Y/N thought as she sunk deeper into the water in embarrassment. Fuck, how in the hell could she forget to close the door? At least he did not see anything, or did he? The whole situation left her frozen in place, unable to think clearly. Y/N did not even dare to step out of the water to close the door, so she just sat there, trying her best to calm down. After a while, the skin of her fingertips were already wrinkled up, leaving a rough touch on her softened skin and she finally thought about getting out of the bathtub. A long time  had passed, since Felix stepped into the bath and now the water was starting to get cold. The girl's eyes searched the room for a towel until she realised that she had washed them and now they hung in the living room. Fuck this shit.

"Felix!" She called him as loud as she could, but there was no answer. The boy did not respond until she called him again.

"What do you want?" His voice echoed through the hallway. She sounded unsure and intrigued. 

"I have a problem."

"Well now you have two." Felix yelled back.

Y/N frowned in confusion and lifted her head.

"How's that?"

"I ain't interested in your first problem."

She let out an annoyed sight and rolled with her eyes and brought her fingers to her forehead, running over her skin in a steady, relaxing movement. Why was he like that? Was it really necessary to always find a way for drama? 

"I don’t have a towel." She whined, hoping for him to bring her one. The grumpy boy did not respond again, an unbearable silence filling the apartment. Felix was there, the girl knew that he was. He had not shut his door yet, so he must be in the living room or kitchen where he would perfectly understand you.

"Felix…" She called him, already giving up that he would come and breaking her mind by finding a way to get past him. "Please."

A few seconds later she heard his footsteps come back again, the wood creaking under his weight and announcing the boy’s arrival. He did not even enter the room, instead Felix threw the towel through the open crack.

"I need to take a piss, so please hurry up!" He said rather cowardly before the footsteps led him away, then shutting the door shut. Y/N did not hesitate and got out of the water as quickly as she could, barely drying her skin before she sprinted into her own room before the former lost boy would cross her way again. 

Why did such things always happen to her? Could it not have been someone else to walk in like Emma or Mary? Of course not, destiny always found a way to punish the girl,- first Pan, now Felix. Nevertheless, the cold boy stayed inside her mind all the time. She dressed herself and got ready to snuck under the blankets. For a while she allowed herself to dream of him cuddling against her back, how his big body would feel like pressed against hers, or maybe even… on top  of her?

NO.

Fuck no, she was not having dirty daydreams of mister cold facade. There was nothing special about Felix, right? Eventually that long scar that ran over his jagged jawline and those blue, stabbing eyes fascinated her. Those  piercing eyes, that were sharp as daggers and intimidating as the gaze of a shark. There was definitely something mysterious about the former second in command, still, Y/N had told herself that she was done with adventures and risky decisions- Felix was definitely one of those,- that she could tell. He was hot, but also the biggest asshole she ever met. The former lost boy kept wandering through the apartment and distracting the girl's dreaming thoughts with each passing second. He would not leave her mind until she fell asleep.

(Next Chapter ->)

[luimagines]

He reacts to seeing you Sick/Wounded Part 2

Masterlist

Part 1 Part 3

Scenario under the cut! Blood ahead so be warned.

Twilight

Twilight looked around the group for what had to be the umpteenth time, searching for you.

You had left awhile ago and had yet to return.

If it was Wild or Hyrule he wouldn’t have put much thought into it. The two of them were notorious for wandering off if something shiny caught their eye and they could be gone for hours.

Not you though.

If anything, you were the one to insist on keeping the group together and to avoid “splitting the party”. as you’d say. You even had a song to go with it, a catchy little tune from your world and he caught himself humming under his breath more than once when he realize someone was gone.

But you were gone long enough now that you even missed a meal.

Twilight started bouncing his knee in anticipation, the worse scenarios coming to mind at what could be happening to you.

“I’m going to find them.” He said, standing up and walking away from the group.

He waits until he’s far enough away to take out the necklace he’s been carrying around since the start of this adventure.

Twilight activates the charm and feels the magic wash over him, his vision and senses sharpening as the worlds color fade and his perspective changes.

There’s always a little discomfort as the beginning of each transformation so he takes a second to compose himself.

Twilight then starts sniffing the air and catches your scent, following where it leads. The path is pretty straight forward and he can almost reconstruct how long it took for you to reach the destination. Twilight travels a little farther than he was expecting, it’s way farther than hearing range, even with his advanced ears.

It’s a little concerning because even if you were to scream for help, there’s no way any of them would have known.

He’s trying to be optimistic. Twilight has seen you fight. He has seen you treat your own wounds. He was personally seen your resourcefulness in tricky situations. There’s little, he thinks, that can actually keep you down.

But then his worst nightmare comes to his nose and he takes off in a sprint. 

It’s blood.

It’s yours.

And there’s a lot of it.

He follows it as far as he can until he hears a pained whimper.

Twilight then follows the sound and comes to a stop, shocked at the sight before him.

You’re sitting up against a tree, the top half of you looks fine if only a little ragged and there’s tear streaks down both your cheeks. Twilight follows the line of your body and sees that there’s no injuries on your arms or torso even if your hands are covered in blood.

But at sight of your leg, he knows what’s happened.

There has to be people nearby, that’s the only explanation.

It’s metal trap with sharp jagged teeth that penetrate the skin and muscle in order to keep the prey from escaping, and they’re incredibly hard to break out of if you don’t have the right equipment. They’re also known for breaking bones if they hit in the right places.

It’s also clamed just above your ankle, blood weeps through still and has travels through the fabric of your pants un to your knee, pronouncing the injury even more.

“Wolfie...” You whimper and try to smile at seeing him. “Yay, you found me. I knew you’d come get me at some point. I tried calling but I think I’m too far away.”

Twilight’s heart bleeds for you and how scared you must have been before he showed up. And he wishes he would have gone looking for you sooner.

You sniffle and whip your face and nose with your sleeve, avoiding the mess on your hands. “I can’t get out. I tried but it’s stuck.” 

Twilight pads closer and sticks his nose by your hands but you pull them back. “I know it looks bad but my hands aren’t hurt...It’s all from my leg. I don’t want to get blood on your pretty fur.”

Twilight doesn’t take time to process the compliment and instead is focused on the choice he has in front of him.

Transform and reveal his secret to you, enabling him to help you here and now or go back and get help, leaving you to the mercy of whatever finds you in your vulnerable state.

It’s a pretty easy choice actually.

Twilight calls off the magic and lets the transformation wash over him. As per usual, the change is disorienting and it’s always hurt more to turn back human than it did to change into a wolf, so he takes a moment to breath before he looks at your ankle.

“Tw-Twilight? You’re Wolfie?” You splutter and try to wrap your head around what you just saw.  “It’s been you this whole time?!”

But he’s ignoring you.

He takes a good look at where the trap is and begins to prod ever so slightly.

“H-HEY!” You cry and try to reach for him. “Don’t! It hurts!”

He doesn’t have the key to unlock it and he doesn’t have the right tools at his disposal to try and pick the lock.

“Twilight please say something.”

“I’m going to get you out. Just hold on a little longer.” He glares at the metal for a moment before placing both his hands around it.

If there’s one thing he’s always been confident in, it’s his strength.

With both hands secured on the device he forces all of his weight to pry it open. He ignores how you continue to make sounds of pain, how his finger tips immediately become moist with your blood and how difficult moving this stupid thing to get you free actually turns out to be. 

After a battle of wills between man and the artificial, it moves and he tilts his hands to keep the momentum going until he’s moved enough of it for you to pull your leg out.

“Go. Get out.” He says with the strain in his voice.

You push away with your hands and your good leg to the best of your ability and slowly (well slower than Twilight would have preferred) to move your leg out of the trap and far enough away where he can simply let it clamp on itself again without fear of losing any fingers or hurting you again.

You gulp and try to move your pant leg to see the damage but it’s clear that doing that hurts you as well.

Twilight it quick to cut off the fabric with his trusted pocket knife and he peels it away.

Bones have definitely been broken.

And there’s certainly a lot of blood to deal with.

He twists the fabric slightly and wraps it above and around your injury to try and stop the flow of blood. Twilight can feel the glare he’s giving to your wound and refuses to look you in face so you can see it.

“Twilight?” You call to him. Your voice is small, weak, tired and afraid.

He can’t leave you to your own thoughts like he wants to so he takes a breath to calm himself and looks at you with as much gentleness and care as he can currently muster.

“You’re going to be just fine, ok?” He says with a small smile. “You’re actually pretty far from the others so it’ll be a bit of a trip but then we’ll get Hyrule to look at you, clean you up... find you some new clothes... You’ll be back to where you were in no time.”

Twilight’s not sure who he’s trying to convinced. It looks deep.

He hopes your foot won’t need to be cut off and that infection hasn’t already set in.

He moves towards you and stops on your good side, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. In one swift movement he hooks his other arm under your knees and picks you up bridal style and begin to walk away from the mess.

You sniffle again and wipe your bloodied hands on your shirt. “Thank you Twilight.” You say. “I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”

“Well you’re going to have to tell one of us what happened.” He responds. “The other are going to ask what on earth happened to you.”

“I meant about you being Wolfie.” You smile. “I’m fully prepared to explain my stupid decisions.”

The easy way you make that claim nearly makes him skip a step and send you both to the ground but Twilight is quick to readjust himself so that it never happens.

He had actually forgotten about that.

“I’d appreciate that.” He nervously chuckles.

“Don’t worry. I’ll cover you when you’re gone. I was starting to suspect something was related because your stories never matched up but I had no proof and no idea where to start. You’re... really not the best at it.” You say and pat his head. “So you save me, I save you. Sound fair?”

“That works for me.”

Time

Time had let Warrior lead the group because he seemed to be the most familiar with the terrain, even if he claims that this isn’t his Hyrule.

With someone capable taking the point, he hung back and let the other walk before him.

He had noticed that you were... weren’t yourself. Like you were hiding something.

You weren’t really interacting with anyone, and you kept your head down, something he hasn’t really known you to do. On another note, you were actually at the back of the group where he was currently stationed.

You always liked to be in the upper middle, talking and entertaining the younger ones and keeping up the group’s moral.

So the fact that you quiet and trying to go unnoticed, arms crossed and head down, worried him.

“Rupee for your thoughts?” He asked you as you walked.

You glanced up at him but you didn’t meet his eyes.

Something was wrong.

“I’m not really thinking about much of anything.” You admitted and shrugged. “I’m just a bit under the weather. I’ll be fine in a bit.”

“You don’t feel good?” Time frowns and stops the both of you with a hand on your shoulder. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“And slow down literally everyone.” You raise an eyebrow at him and he takes a quick second to catalogue your pink cheeks and red rimmed eyes.

Something is wrong.

“It’s just a headache.” You insist. “We’re already behind by how knows how long and it’ll go away on its own. I appreciate the concern but I don’t want to be a hinderance more than anything think I am.”

“For one thing, no one thinks you’re a hinderance.” Time says, taking off his gauntlet and he presses the back of his hand against your forehead, then your cheeks and the back of your neck. “If any one of those boys has told you that, you tell me and I’ll set them straight.”

He doesn’t miss the way you lean and hum in relief from his touch.

Truthfully, you’re actually burning up more than your skin seems to show and his concern sky rockets beyond the moon and back of this proverbial saying.

“I appreciate the thought but it’s not that important.” You say and he catches the way you frown in displeasure when he pulls away.

“Who told you that?” He asks in lieu of bringing your illness to light.

“No one.”

Time frowns some more and says your name in his stern commander voice that he knows you hate.

“No one.” You insist. “No one here anyway.”

From your previous adventure perhaps? Time puts the information away in the back of his mind and vows to vanquish the thoughts from your head when he can, but your health takes precedence right now.

“I think it’s about time to take a break anyway.” Time puts his gauntlet back on and begins to walk forward, leading you with a hand on the small of your back. “Maybe the Champion would be willing to make something for lunch.”

“Think he can cook something up for my headache?” You sigh and massage your temples in a way that seems reminiscent.

“That and more, if you ask him.” He replies easily and lets out a loud whistle that has become their cue to set up for the midday break.

It takes a while for your duo to make it to the others but at least you weren’t so far gone that no one would have heard Time’s signal.

You instantly take a step down and sit on the ground, cradling your head in a way that looks more like you’re crying than merely resting.

Time feels his heart clench at the sight and makes his way over to Wild. He tells them what he found out and asks if he can make something special for you. Something to keep you going.

Because as much as he wants to, this is not the place to stop for the night and with your pride on the line, he doesn’t want the others to crowd and bring more attention than you’d be comfortable with to your predicament.

“There’s a town about three hours from here.” Warrior’s speaks up, having eavesdropped on the conversation Time was trying to have on the down low. “We can hit it before night fall and let them rest in an actual bed for the night.”

Time nods and agree with the notion.

The others seem to catch on that you’re not feeling well and Time discourages them from getting closer than they should, less they get sick as well.

The break is quiet and uneventful for a change and Time is quick to get the group up and moving again when it’s over, choosing to keep you company on the way to the town and trying to make it as painless and comfortable for you as he can.

A part of him thinks that he should just swallow his pride and yours and carry you to the town as you deteriorate on the walk, but it’s not like you’d let him.

He’d just have to satisfy his concern when he eventually takes watch over your bed side, just to make sure you wake up feeling better.

Wind

Wind was sure that you’re hiding something.

You’ve been shifty eyed and nervous, jittery and uncollected.

So unlike the you that he’s come to know, rely on and appreciate.

It scares him a little, to see you so unlike yourself.

Wind makes a calculated guess on why you’re so weird after walking by your side for most of the journey. 

You’re hurt and trying to not let anyone else know.

He can tell by how you’re trying to curl in yourself and fold over but have to keep righting your position. You’re having to walk with one foot on your toes because if you tried any more normally, you’d be limping. You’re a bit slower than your usual walking pace but you’ve been arcing your stride a little to the side so that it matches in length what you wouldn’t be able to make up for in number of steps.

He’s almost impressed by how well you’ve been hiding it.

But it’s drowned out by the irritation of your stubbornness. You could have just told someone, anyone, and they’d help you in seconds. You wouldn’t have to be in pain or having to stop every other second to hide a wince or a grunt or-

Wind is this close to just stopping everything to scream in your face.

He takes a small glance over to you as you walk, and sighs. He knows you won’t listen to him if he tries to say something. And you’d probably be irritated at him instead for trying to make a fuss about it.

Wind doesn’t know what to do, or how to help you, without being pushed away.

You trip.

Wind is too shocked by the outcome to even try to stop you from falling face first into the ground. 

Ok, not face first. You manage to twist yourself just in time to avoid a face on collision, but you land on your side in the process.

Your bad side.

You yell in pain which alerts the whole group ahead and behind you. But you don’t seem to care about that anymore. You finally give into the urge and curl in on yourself, rolling over so that the ground is against your good side and nothing is irritating whatever hit you’ve been hiding.

Wind has to nearly smack himself out of it before he makes it to your side. He can hear the other catching up, their footsteps thundering mutely on the dirt but he’s more focused on you and where your hand seems to be cradling your side.

He’s quick to peel your hand off and lift your shirt.

You’re too shocked and stunned from the pain to stop him. Enough so that you’re brain doesn’t even register it, so you don’t fight back.

He gasps at the the sight and his stomach turns ever so slightly.

It’s a massive bruise, from up to your ribs that are highlighted in a toxic green, down to your hip and it’s not even black and blue. It’s so bad there’s more red on the surface than purple and it makes it look like you’re covered in blood even if the skin hasn’t been breached.

He knows what caused this. 

Two days ago the group had found themselves in the middle of a fight with not one, but three infected monsters and one of them had a nasty looking club. You were fighting with him and on one of them and had taken a hit directly to your side. It was strong enough that it sent you spinning through the air and right into a tree. He didn’t think much of it since you simply bounced back like nothing happened and proceeded to stab the thing through the skull, but if he tries hard enough, he think you hit the same side on the tree as well.

But you didn’t drink a potion, he doesn’t think he even saw you being healed by Hyrule. Which means that you just had this on you for so long and you just- weren’t going to tell anyone?!

Wind can feel his heart clench in tandem with his first, your shirt nearly ripping since it was trapped in between his fingers. “HYRULE!”

“What happened?” Warrior makes it to his side first and stops mid-step when he catches sight of it. “I’ll... go get the Traveler.”

There’s a few seconds in between before you shake off the pain and rip your clothes out of his grip, forcing yourself to get to your feet again.

Everyone is too shocked by what they’ve seen verses how you’ve acting that they almost let you but Wind has been next to you, watching you, and he still is. He catches that your arms are shaking as you put your weight on it, and when you try and compensate for your bad side, you nearly throw yourself over again from your bad balance.

Wind pushes you back down and keeps his hands on your shoulders so keep you from trying that again.

Hyrule takes his cue and slides on his knees until he reaches your side, his healing spell fluttering around his fingers and into the nasty bruise.

“Guys, I’m fine.”

“Cut the bullcrap.” Wind says, knowing that Twilight and Time are behind him with Sky not too far behind. He hopes they let that one slide at least. “It’s looks like you were stabbed fifty seven times and poisoned to top of it all.”

You look up at him then and sigh, the fight leaving instantaneously. “Whatever.”

“It’s not whatever!” He argues but you cut him off.

“It’s just a bruise. It’ll heal in a few days and nothing is broken. But because it’s you holding me down, I’ll let you heal me.” You try for a half smile but Wind thinks it falls flat. “I’m not even going to try and fight a pirate in my state. Take your victory for now.”

“You didn’t have to let it get so bad.” Hyrule scolds you and you don’t even have the decency of at least looking apologetic.

“It was the fall that really made it hurt.” You clench your jaw when your shirt gets lifted higher for Hyrule to heal the bruise on your ribs. “It was just awkward before that.”

“No it wasn’t” Wind frowns even harder. “You were walking funny. It hurt like hell back there too and for a while as well. Why didn’t you get treatment with the others? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Wind.” You say with as much patience you can muster. Your face begins to relax as the pain fades and the bruise changes to a more normal shade of purple with black spots. “We have no potions left. And Hyrule can only do so much healing in one go.”

“Speaking of...” Legend steps in and yanks Hyrule back by the shoulder, stopping the healing process.

Hyrule takes a minute to reorient himself and he steps away from a minute to catch his breath.

Wind takes another look at your injury and winces. While it looks significantly better than it did seconds prior, it’s not completely healed and would likely have to take more magic to heal on its own. They could just leave it there for the days it’ll take for it to heal naturally but Wind doesn’t like the idea of leaving you hurt for more than necessary.

“How were none of your bones broken?” Twilight asks in a quiet shocked voice.

“Oh no, there were many fractures, believe me.” Hyrule shakes his head. “Mostly minor but it’s crazy how they were able to still be standing, let alone walking. Didn’t any of that hurt?”

Wind takes a sharp breath and has to look away from you. 

You were really good at hiding it then.

He misses the pained look on your face as he turns away and can’t see the hand you reach out to him. “Wind?”

“No.” He gulps and stand up. “This isn’t ok. You can’t do this. Say something next time, or I’ll never speak to you again.”

The second he says it, he feel childish for coming up with that threat in particular and while he wishes that there’ll never be a next time, he knows better.

Occupational hazard and all that jazz.

Your face morphs into one of sadness and you take your hand back. “Ok. Ok. I’ll be better next time.”

He supposes the threat worked after all.

[ariadne-does-her-best]

Love in G Major

Dick Grayson x Reader One-Shot; Soulmate!Au

Word Count: 2,500+

Warnings: Kidnapping but nothing graphic happens

Author’s Note: Hey guys! This is my first time posting a fic so characters may be a little OOC. Please let me know if you guys liked this and if you want to, feel free to send a request! Also, I might make a series of Soulmate! Aus since I have a good idea for Jasons thought out. xo, Ariadne

Summary: In a world where everyone has a soulmate, you’re one of the lucky ones to receive a physical sign of your soulmate in the form of a timer counting down to when you’ll meet. But after being kidnapped by the Riddler, hours before you’re supposed to meet them, you can only pray that the Riddler of all people isn’t your soulmate.

Five hours.

You swayed to the rich sound of your cello, eyes closed, as you shifted your hand down into fourth position. You rested for a beat before going down bow, still doing vibrato even after the piece was done. The audience waited for a sign that you were done with the piece, be it that your hand stopped moving or you physically stood up and told them to clap. Instead, you opened your eyes and smiled as the diners took their cue to start clapping before inclining your head in thanks as you waited for the applause to die down.

It was a normal Saturday at the small but expensive Italian restaurant you performed at. You weren’t supposed to be there since you had requested to take today off but the owner had still put you down to play during half of the two-hour live performance time slot. At the end of the day, money was money and who were you to ever say no to the thousands you always received in tips. After all, you could only think about the new bow you could buy with the money. Which would lead to you sounding better, getting more gigs, and making more money. The process was like a cycle, really.

After the applause stopped and those who were up putting money in your jar had sat down in their seats, you sat back down and started playing Bach’s Cello Suite No. 1, Prelude. You could hear the pianist who was supposed to take over for the rest of the night setting up, his hands flipping through his many copies of sheet music.

Aside from the sounds of cutlery and the wisps of conversation, there was not much noise other than the smooth sound of your cello. But even if there were no noises, something still bothered you.

At first, it wasn’t that bad. You could feel someone staring at you, which was normal since you were performing on a stage with your whole being on display, but it was longer and more intense than normal. Letting your eyes wander around the crowded restaurant, your eyes locked onto a pair of green eyes. You smiled slightly at the young girl before wincing as the slight burning of your wrist got worse. You continued playing, closing your eyes as you tried to ignore the burning of your timer. Your soulmate timer.

You were one of the lucky individuals who had a visible connection to their soulmate. Instead of feeling a spark whenever you touch your soulmate, like your neighbors do, or being able to finally see color when you touch your soulmate, like your parents, you were one of the few lucky ones who could count down to the precise moment when you would meet your soulmate. And that was exactly what you did. When you were thirteen and your parents had explained your soulmate mark to you, the first thing you did was calculate when you would meet your soulmate according to your timer and write it down in your diary.

It was impossible for you to ignore the burning on your wrist, impossible for you to not grin as you played. But your grin was wiped off when you heard glass shatter and a scream.

Four hours.

You had no idea where you were but judging by the smell of the place and the fact that two men wearing green suits with question marks were staring at you, you were not at the restaurant.

‘At least I still have my cello,’ you thought as you pulled against the ropes that tied you against a pillar. The henchmen were talking between themselves as they approached the pillar where you were tied. They started untying you from the pillar and you took this opportunity to suddenly stand up and run.

You heard one of the henchmen curse but you ran in random zigzag lines towards where the door was. It was weird that the henchmen didn’t shoot at you or even attempt to stop you. But you ignored the niggling in the back of your mind. Wrenching the door open, you looked back at where your cello lay and turned back around to walk towards your freedom.

Except it wasn’t your freedom, it was the Riddler in his forest green suit and bowler combo. A rather tacky-looking combo in your opinion but hey, you weren’t going to be the one to break the news to a murderous criminal. He looked up at your sudden entrance and smiled.

“Here she is,” he said, yanking you into the room where the guests of the restaurant were tied onto the seats of an auditorium. You shivered as the cold air hit you and you looked around the room, taking in the TV production set up and the large stage that covered up more than half of the room there.

The Riddler dragged you up onto the stage, and you couldn’t help but wince as the harsh lights burned your eyes.

“What am I doing on stage,” you asked the Riddler as you covered your eyes with your hands. The Riddler’s smile became somehow larger, looking rather comical for a second before becoming more uncomfortable to look at. “Riddle me this,” the Riddler started as he pushed you down onto a chair, “what is it that cannot open any locks and yet has 24 keys?”

Your eyes furrowed in confusion as you rubbed at your wrist, the burning sensation somehow getting worse.

“I don’t know,” you mumbled as a minute passed.

“Well, if you don’t know, why don’t we give you a little motivation to figure out the right answer?”

And with that, the Riddler drew out a gun and pointed it at the closest person seated at the stage, the pianist. At this point, you could hear the sobs wracking through his body and you thought about his elderly parents who depended on him to pay for their surgeries. You don’t know how you could live with his blood on your hands.

“Wait, I have the answer,” you cried out, reaching out to grab the Riddler’s elbow but stopping. Something told you that that wouldn’t be a good idea and he might take that opportunity to shoot you.

“Well, do go on.”

“It’s music,” you said, staring at the deranged man’s face. He broke into peals of laughter, clapping his hands, as he tried to settle himself. It was unnerving how he could flip the switch easily from being a man ready to kill another to laughing as if you were the funniest person on Earth.

“That’s correct. And with that, let us start the games.”

Three hours.

After asking you his initial riddle, the Riddler had quickly set up a broadcast to be shown to all of Gotham, using the footage that one of his henchmen had taken of him questioning you as the intro.

“Batman, I have two riddles for you,” he said, addressing the camera. If you weren’t stuck on stage with two guns pointed at you as you tuned a somewhat cheap cello, you would have sighed. Why couldn’t he also include picture puzzles or something else for once? But you were stuck on stage so you just carefully tuned the instrument, hoping that none of the guards took your movement as you tuned as a sign of your sad attempt at running away.

“There are as many constellations in the sky as there are keys in a piano. What number am I? There you will find the answer to, ‘What is it that makes songs but you will never hear it sing?’ You have an hour to find them before I start playing my little game.”

As if that's your cue, one of the gunmen poked your back and you tensed, surprised by how cold the metal was through your sweater. You quickly quit your tuning and started playing the op. 88, hoping that maybe Batman or Robin would recognize it. It would probably be difficult for them to recognize since they probably weren’t as necessarily as interested in music as you were. And if they were, it’d probably be a little difficult to hear and piece together the piece since you were playing more stiffly than your usual languid movements.

You just hoped that they could understand the Riddler’s riddle and show up to save the night.

Two hours.

An hour has passed of you sitting in your seat playing your cello. Your butt was stiff from the hard chair, your back hurt from your stiff posture, and your wrist was burning pretty badly. At the thought of your wrist, your mind recoiled slightly. What if your soulmate was one of the Riddler’s henchmen? Or the Riddler himself? The thought of it made you want to puke.

“Well Gotham,” the Riddler said, standing in front of the mic as he paused to look dramatically at the camera. “Batman still hasn’t arrived yet so I will be starting my game. And today we have a very special guest that will be playing with me.”

At this, the goons started applauding and you heard a child in the audience cry even louder.

“Our special guest is the one and only (Y/N) (L/N) who has been playing such lovely music for us during our broadcast.”

You sat in your chair, music forgotten as another stage light shone on you.

“Now come on (Y/N), don’t be shy. I know that I’m somewhat of a local celebrity but I don’t bite.”

You shivered under the Riddler’s gaze and got up, trying your best not to stumble as you walked towards him. Your breathing was labored now and the closer you got to the Riddler, the more you felt like you were going to faint.

“(Y/N) here is going to play a simple game. She’s going to play a song that shows up in the cards,” he held up a large stack of index cards and fanned them out on the podium. The crying from the audience became even louder, with ‘Please, no’s mixed in. You turned to watch the small girl from the restaurant being dragged onto the stage, the bright lights highlighting the tears running down her face.

“And if (Y/N) here cannot play the song or if she plays even a single note or rhythm incorrectly, little Bella here will be dunked into this vat of water. For each mistake, she will be kept there for thirty seconds longer.”

You watched in horror as the girl was dragged towards what looked like a giant hole in the ground filled with water. She struggled against her restraints as she cried, her bleary eyes focused on something over your shoulder. You looked over in the corner of your eye and saw the familiar red and yellow of Robin.

As you turned around to shake the Riddler’s hand in acceptance of the rules, you curled your hand in a fist.

“Let the game begin,” he shouted, smiling at the camera before he went to choose a card.

“I’m sorry but we’re going to have to change the rules,” you said before pulling back your fist and punching him in the jaw.

One hour.

You were hiding in the corner of the stage, hidden by the curtains as you tried to untie Bella. The poor girl was trying to hold her sobs in but some still escaped, sounding misplaced in the sounds of Batman and Robin beating the Riddler & co. into oblivion.

You shushed her and tried to twist the rope and push it through the knot when a birdarang flew through the gap of the curtains and sliced your cheek along with the stray strands of hair nearby before hitting the wood paneling behind you. You ignored the blood that was slowly dripping down your face before grabbing the birdarang. You probably grabbed it wrong since it cut the palm of your hand, making you curse under your breath as you started sawing through the multiple knots in the ropes around Bella’s hands and feet.

Once she was free, the little girl tried to get up and run but you grabbed her, putting a finger up to your mouth and cupping a hand behind your ear, whispering “listen.”

You both sat there, listening to the sounds of Robin giggling as he punched someone. You furrowed your brow at that, wondering who exactly was the boy crazy enough to dress up as a traffic signal and fight crime with an equally weird man dressed as a bat.

You slowly started standing up once the sounds of Robin’s laughter had receded before holding a hand out to Bella. The young girl grabbed your hand and you both started edging your way off of the stage area where the fighting was taking place and towards her parents. Batman and Robin were tying people up when you finally found Bella’s father, the sound of the GCPD’s sirens in the background becoming louder and louder as they came closer.

As you and the other hostages made your way out, making sure to jump across the dock to the other side so you don’t fall into the disgusting water down below, you felt someone grab your wrist. You turned and smiled at Bella’s father.

“Why don’t you go and seek some medical assistance?”

“I will sir,” you replied before making your way to the paramedics, letting them fuss over your cuts. You could see Batman speaking to Commissioner Gordon but you couldn’t see Robin near them.

“I think you have something of mine,” Robin said with a grin as he held his hand towards you. You were surprised to see him in front of you but you smiled at him confused.

“I don’t know what you’re…,” you trailed off when you looked down to where he was pointing to see that you were still holding his birdarang.

“Oh. Well, I don’t know… maybe I should keep it. Something to remind me of this day,” you teased as you held up the birdarang so it was eye-level.

“Alright, you can keep it. Just don’t tell Batsie,” he said with a wink, causing you to giggle. “I’m sorry for cutting you.”

“It’s fine,” you said, wincing as the burning on your wrist became worse. Robin also gave out a hiss of pain at the same time as you, causing you to both stare at each other. You reached your hand out towards him slowly, letting your hands ghost over his cheekbones slightly when you felt the telltale cooling sensation of your wrist.

“Let’s go talk somewhere else,” he said, and you nodded, following behind him to an empty alleyway.

“Let me introduce myself again,” he started taking off his mask, “I’m Dick Grayson.”

You were met with the most beautiful pair of lilac-blue eyes, causing you to catch your breath in the back of your throat.

“And I’m (Y/N).”

“Why don’t we get out of here and get to know each other better, princess?”

“I would like that, love bird.”

[tacticaldiary]

Harsh Words

REQUEST: When Y/n getting hurt the way Bakugou talks to her due to the tone of his voice, ended up fighting when y/n tried to tell him about it, Bakugou getting mad, both of them not talking for days/weeks, Bakugou getting triggered when Y/n is always with Shoto since they were friends too..Ahhhh thank you 🤧

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Enjoy! :)

Pairing: Reader x Bakugou Katsuki

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me...yeah that’s bullshit. Doesn’t apply to Katsuki Bakugou. Y/N finds out first hand. The true impact of his words hits Katsuki two weeks too late, as the need to have his partner back wins over his pride.

Masterlist

Y/N lived for the rare gentle moments, sleepy conversations, quietly studying together, taking care of the other’s wounds. Although they were rare, Y/N cherished every single gentle movement with her fiery boyfriend.

Right now, though, Bakugou was anything but gentle

“Stop being dramatic.”

The words stung, especially when considering how hard Y/N was trying not to snap at him. SHe just wanted a rational conversation to discuss this. She crosses her arms, her face twisting into a scowl.

“I’m not being dramatic, Katsuki! Just listen to me for once!”

Katsuki was rough around the edges, there was no doubt, and it was one of the things that made Y/N fall for him a year ago. The past few weeks, however, had been particularly rough. His insults towards her had been much meaner, his tone harsher. Although she has always been on the lesser end of his receiving temper, this was taking a toll on her.

She finally had enough when he had insulted her clumsiness in front of the whole class in the dorm common area. She remembers full well the crash of the glass as it shattered upon impact, hitting the ground, followed by a snort and a “What? You got two left feet to match your useless quirk now?”. She had stormed out of the room, eyes glassy and Bakugou had followed her.

And here they were.

“You’ve been horrible to me this whole past month! I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you, that you think it was okay to yell at me like that in front of everyone, but-”

“I’ve been exactly the same. You know what you got yourself into when you started dating me. Don’t get all sensitive now.” he rolls his eyes, fixing her with a glare. The way he completely dismisses her makes her want to bang her head against a wall with frustration. He didn’t get it. She was human too, and she had a limit to her patience.

“You’re just being an asshole lately! This has nothing to do with me being sensitive.”

“The fact that you’re yelling at me proves that it does.” He yells, before taking a step closer. “What? Can’t handle an insult, dumbass? This bothers you that much?” He mocks her on the last part, tilting his head in a fake sympathetic look.

“You know what? Fuck you!” She yells back, shaking her head, tears of anger and frustration trailing down her cheeks. “I don’t have to deal with this shit. Come talk to me once you fix your shitty attitude and decide to stop being a literal asshole to me.” Y/N turns on heel and walks out of his room, ignoring Bakugou’s angry calls for her to come back.

Her tears unsettled him, although he doesn’t admit it. He feels guilt, or some variant of it, eat away at his insides, knowing he was the reason for their distress. He did care about her, a little too much in his opinion. He watches the door shut behind her.

Scoffing he moves over to his desk, sitting down and running a hand through his head angrily. He wasn’t any more of an asshole than he usually was, he was sure of it. Right?

Lost in his though, he idly fidgets with a pen from the holder at his desk. He recalls Y/N frowning a lot more these days...and she didn’t really bite back to his jabs anymore...when was the last time they had actually spent time together? Gone out? Now that he thought about it he hadn’t had a quiet moment with her in a week or two.

Huffing out a breath, he shakes his head to himself. Whatever. He would do something about that once she came back to him and apologised. That’s how it usually worked after one of their fights. Y/N was the first one to apologise, then he’d do his part silently by spoiling her or spending time with her. It was his way of a silent apology. She always came to him first though, knowing his pride wouldn’t let him be the first to admit the fault lied with him.

Bakugou is left hanging for the first time. He expected nothing to happen on the first day, or the second day...but two weeks later?

Y/N had not talked to him for two weeks, and he was itching for things to go back to normal. He didn’t want to admit how much this was affecting him. Not having her to study quietly with, or cuddle with at night, or someone to nag at him for pushing himself too hard...it was annoyingly frustrating. He wanted her back. He wanted her so damn badly and he was starting to crack.

He feels especially shitty today as he watches her walk straight past their usual table, to join another table, where she’d been sitting at for the length of time she’d been...ignoring him. The fact that it was Deku’s table only worked harder to piss him off. He watches, his eyes narrowing in an intense stare as she slips into the seat next to Todoroki.

Icyhot.

Another reason he’d been especially prickly. Y/N was good friends with Deku’s group, he knew that. It’s not like he could, or would, stop her from doing what she wanted. He wasn’t like that, even he wasn’t that much of an asshole.

He can’t help but shift restlessly in his place, as he sees her relaxed, giggling at something Icyhot had said. He didn’t even know the guy was capable of making jokes. Gritting his teeth, he turns away, focusing on the conversation the idiots around him were having.

He manages to keep himself at bay for about 15 minutes, before he sees Y/N and Todoroki get up...together, and leave. Together. The fact that she didn’t even spare him a glance as she walked by definitely didn’t feel like someone was painfully squeezing his heart. Obviously not. As he stares at them leaving, his eyes narrow when the Half and Half bastard puts an arm around her shoulders and leads her out. He gets up suddenly and follows them, fuming.

Y/N was miserable ever since the argument. She was tired and hurting and today was especially hard for some reason. The moment she walked into the cafeteria, she felt her boyfriend's eyes on her. Ignoring them, refusing to look his way, she made her way over to Izuku’s table. He wasn’t going to be the one to apologise. If he truly cared about her and their relationship, he would have to swallow his pride and come to her.  

The whole time she’d been a little dazed, and on the brink of tears, effectively hiding it underneath laughs and jokes. She fooled pretty much everyone except the quiet guy next to her. About 15 minutes into lunch, she feels Todoroki nudge her and point to the door, a look of muted worry plastered on his face. Y/N can do nothing to protest without bursting into tears so she complies, standing and excusing herself.

By the time she’s nearing the exit door, her shoulders are shaking, and she feels Todoroki’s steadying arm around her. She welcomes the comforting touch.

He leads her to an empty hallway, pulling her into a classroom. He prompts her to sit on one of the desks, taking a seat next to her. Y/N feels bad about placing her worries on her friend, but she can’t help but let it out. She knew Todoroki was a good listener and that he wouldn’t judge her. By the time she’s done recounting the past painful weeks, there are tears running down her cheeks.

Todoroki awkwardly looks around for a second, before placing a hesitant hand on her shoulder and comforting her. He was trying his best, but the look of uncomfort on his face was almost comical. He wanted to be there for his friend, and Y/N was thankful for it. She looks up and offers Todoroki a shaky smile. She goes to thank him, when she’s cut off by a familiar harsh voice.

“The hell are you two doing?” Bakugou stands, eyes narrowed at the two of them, a scowl on his face. Why were they so close? They didn’t need to be this close.

“Bakugou.” Todoroki nods, standing. Y/N glances at him once, before looking away, determined to keep ignoring him. She doesn’t know why he’s here. He hasn’t tried to talk to her at all. She doesn’t realise she’s tuned out the conversation between the other two, which in retrospect, was a horrible idea knowing how much Bakugou disliked Todoroki, she’s only snapped out of her thoughts when she hears the door slam, causing her to jump.

Bakugou stands there for a second, before narrowing his eyes and walking towards her. She stays where she is on the desk, shifting her gaze to stare at the ground. Why was he still here? Where had Todoroki gone?

She stills as she feels him stop in front of her. Feeling his hands rest on the desk either side of her, he hears him scoff when she doesn’t look up. Hearing him shift, he grasps her chin and makes her look at him.

Although he has his usual scowl and annoyed expression, Y/N can identify mild worry as his eyes scan over her face. It’s very evident that she’s been crying, her eyes still puffy. She doesn’t have time to react, before Bakugou steps forward and slides his hands up to her sides pulling her into a...hug? He rests his chin on top of her head and holds her tightly to himself.

What?

After her momentary confusion, she struggles half heartedly to get him to let go of her. However much she didn’t want to admit it, she missed this.

She missed him.

Pretty son she gives up and stays there, letting him stand in front of her and hold her. He’s fully aware of the tears slowly soaking the front of his shirt.

“What do you want?” Y/N asks quietly, a single hand clutching the back of his shirt. She feels, doesn’t hear, his mouth move in her hair. Pulling away slightly she looks up. Even when she’s sitting down on a desk, he’s still a little taller. His gaze flickers to her eyes, before going back to looking at something behind her. He mumbles something Y/N can’t quite hear, but he doesn’t loosen his grip around her.

“...What the hell are you say-”

“I’m sorry.” He finally says properly, shifting his gaze back to her.

Y/N’s pretty sure that’s the first time she’s heard him genuinely say those words. “Are you?” Ignoring the hope swelling inside her, she tilts her head in question. She wouldn’t let him get off the hook that easily.

He looks slightly annoyed, before remembering why they were in this situation in the first place. “I am. I...shit, I didn’t realise I was hurting you. The past few weeks have been shit without you. I’m sorry.” He mutters the last part again, heat creeping up his neck. It looks like he was struggling to get the words out.

“You did. Hurt me, that is. That won’t change.”

“I know.” His voice is unusually quiet. “Won’t happen again.”

“It will.” Bakugou looks surprised at that. “I’m not telling you to become a whole different person, Katsuki.”

She brings up a hand and cups his cheek, smiling a little when he leans into the touch. She was glad she wasn’t the only one being affected by this fight.

“That brash loud part of you is the guy I fell for. I don’t want that to change. It’s just...yelling at me like that in front of everyone wasn’t cool. You really made me feel like shit.”

Bakugou let’s that sink in, before scoffing and tightening his grip around her. The guilt that had been brewing over the days comes crashing like a wave. “I said it wouldn’t happen again, didn’t I? You think I make empty promises, dumbass?” He didn’t. He’d keep his word.

Y/N responds by tugging on his shirt and pulling him closer and resting her head on his shoulder, humming a little at how warm he was. She feels him reach up and brush her hair off her forehead and place a small peck on it.

She knew how un-Bakugou-like that was. It showed her that he really was sorry. She swears it could be her mind playing tricks on her, but she’s sure she heard Bakugou say something. Smiling into the fabric of his shirt, she responds.

“I missed you too.”

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Author’s Note: These types of fics are my jam! Feel free to leave feedback! (23/02/2021)

Edit: I had to reupload this because the link was faulty, so excuse the reupload!

Requests for BNHA are Open and Welcome!