#need to schedule an appointment tomorrow
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the least exertion brings on a fever please send me to the seaside for my health
#a butterfly obsesses#tired of the fevers it's so draining#especially having to go to work with a fever#I need to see the doctor again but what can I even ask them to look for#it's the same symptoms as before#well I guess it depends if my ears are congested again or not#that went away with some cold medicine but if it keeps coming back that might mean something#it probably is back my balance is atrocious lately#need to schedule an appointment tomorrow#need to sleep too but I'm waiting for my temp to go down#hard to sleep with a fever
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Little bright colored outfit with a fun vest ~
(shoes from ebay like 10 years ago. everything else is thrifted)
#ootd#jfashion#fashion#fantasy fashion#mori kei#....like... adjacent... lol#no idea what style this would be lol.. makes me think of like whimsical vaguely fantasy themed childrens book character#finally posting one of my aforementioned seven million drafts of actual outfits and costumes i have finished and edited#the photos for but just never feel like posting lol..#I need to find one of those people whos like 'omg i am ADDICTED to social media ugh i wish i could get off of it#im just browsing and posting like 60 times a daaaaay!!!' and take a little magical bottle and suck some of the social media#enthusiasim out of them. for moi. In exchange they can have some of my 'literally just never in the mood to post or interact with the#outside world ever' energy. We can balance each other. huzzah and so on#Though I think maybe it's part of the general thing I've heard of like.. I can't remember if it was in reference to adhd or just some sort#of general execcutive functioning issue type of thing - but the idea that things have to be ''just right'' before you do something. like#'oh i need to do this task. but i have to wait until XYZ first' or 'oh i can do this but only if X specific condition is met' or etc#The fact that I even have to be in a Specific Mindset to post. or sometimes will delay posting on social media because like 'oh well#I'm going somewhere tomorrow. somehow this matters. i cannot spend 5 minuts posting TONIGHT. clearly it will interfere#somehow schedule wise with the doctor appointment i have 15 hours from now. yes. yes. i must wait until my appointment is over#tomorrow afternoon. THEN i shall post' or etc. etc. lol. NOT even taking into account the many days#I just genuinely and physically sick and it's not even a mental thing. I just physically dont feel like sitting at the computer lol..#ANYWAY.. trying to get back into it. trying to get a business bank account.. make a proper paypal so i can start selling sculptures again.#selling clothes and sculptures.. posting about such things then of course as one must. etc... chanting to hype up and motivate myself lol#But yes. this is my favorite outfit out of the bunch so I am posting it first I guess.. maybe others later..#Also the purple dress says its from shein. which I've heard is bad fast fashion stuff. but maybe okay since its second hand? I havent#been to the bins since like 2020 or late 2019 even. and I think stuff like shein and temu has only become poular in the past few years#but I bet if I went to the bins now I might would find a good handfull of that stuff. Probably now not much different than what you#find in a walmart or a forever 21 or actual physical stores you can go to though. I hear quality of clothing is down everywhere no matter#where you get it or whatnot. What bountiful joys unfettered capitalism and exploitation bestows upon us (<being sarcastic).#Wearing one of my favorite little vests though. I love the texture of it and the clasps on it
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I heard water drop into the basket of my washing machine, which is NOT ON RIGHT NOW, and I thought I was going to be sick! it's brand new! WHAT COULD BE WRONG! and then the water heater started loudly burbling, which I don't think I've ever heard it do before, so I texted my friend to ask what was "normal." and I checked my taps and then checked my email to find that they've shut water off to half the buildings in my complex 🥲 what started as a water main break in one building has now become even more of an emergency
#telomirage.txt#everything happens so much 😭#and this was while I was trying to schedule an appointment for tomorrow! after struggling with some forms that required info that is#impossible to find. a friend hunted down a number I needed but because it's so inaccessible we don't even know for sure it's exactly what#they need. but I finished the form! and if the number is somehow wrong it's literally not my fault.#my laptop agreed that it was stupid and froze in the middle of a section of the form 🥲
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the echocardiogram was... interesting. got to see and hear all sorts of my heart's innards, but i'm no cardiologist, so i have no idea what they meant
#i didn't have the note with my cardiologist's number on it so i will need to schedule the follow-up appointment tomorrow#ideally it will all come back Normal and i will just be Crazy
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had a really long week at work, and I'm determined to have a weekend where I do fuck all.
which meant I was really brave and got all the errands that needed to be done finished in less than two hours. so now I can kick back and prep for D&D tomorrow and play Mass Effect as much as I want
#[static]#i woke up rolled out of bed and immediately made phone calls to various appointments that needed to be scheduled#and i went grocery shopping and to the pharmacy and got gas#and i just took a shower and now im ready to chow down on a fresh donut and work on my D&D notes for tomorrow's session
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really wish there was a tag that separated “I’m having Big Angry and/or Angsty Opinions about Star Wars” from “I’m goofing off with Star Wars I’m playing in the sandbox none of this is real so yes I will make my blorbo and this random glub shitto go on an adventure that makes no logical sense” posts because there’s too much of the former and not enough of the latter for my current mental state
#starlight personal#the good news is that I finally have another ketamine appt scheduled and it’s sooner than I thought they’d have an opening#the bad news is that the appointment is not tomorrow and we’re kinda at the end of my mental-emotional rope#now kids this is what we call: an inherent flaw in my treatment plan that cannot be removed#because pretty much in an ideal world I’d have ketamine appointments every 6 weeks but 1) expensive and probs can’t afford that#2) they don’t have enough availability for that to be realistic 3) can’t take off of work THAT frequently without consequences#4) I would probably start to doubt reality if I was tripping that frequently 5) I don’t think docs would allow it#treatment resistant depression and anxiety my beloathed if we could just chill that’d be great#treatment resistant PMDD my other beloathed someday I will do my damnedest to cut you out of my body#idk not to be too selfpitying on main but god it fucking sucks that I appear to be doomed to another cycle based mood thing#PMDD means I get two good weeks two bad weeks#ketamine being the only effective treatment for whatever my brain’s got going on means two good months followed by x bad months#until my next appointment#which like! two good months is better than no good months I am grateful that something helps#I just wish it was a more convenient help and it could be applied more consistently than my psych office provides#also wish I didn’t have to call them 3 times to get it scheduled but it is what it is#also also wish that I had fewer of the physical side effects of my anxiety and wouldn’t wake up puking the min things are rough#this is all to say: I want silly SW headcanons and droid headcanons and silly fic ideas and not Everyone is Always Suffering#but I’m also too lazy (I.e brain cannot make decisions rn) to search for new tags that may give me more silly#which means time to browse my bookmarks for good good comfort fics I have saved I suppose#(this is lowkey why i want to physically fight everyone i know who’s like ‘yeah meds would help but idk :/‘ like!!!!!!!!#bro it’s a privilege to have access to meds and it’s a privilege to have a body that doesn’t turn on you the min you take one!!!!#just try 10mg of zoloft I would kill for 10mg of zoloft to not make me entirely incapable of functioning!!!)#I don’t mean that - you have a right to take or not take medication and everyone’s reasons may be their own#I just had my body and have some rough feelings around treating my issues being so expensive and inconvenient#and then feeling guilty b/c I know I’m lucky that I can afford it and can take off of work for it when I need to#like I am pretty lucky to have something that works and to have a care team that helped me get here#so I don’t wanna be ungrateful or unappreciative of my own luck in this and the work that went into getting here#I’d just also like it if I could change the circumstances slightly#make treatment on the weekends an option - get my psych office to have more than 2 trip sitters so scheduling isn’t so bad
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undergoing self-immolation from stress
#left dnd feeling kind of shitty and overall upset at myself for screwing up my character in the first session#anniversary artwork is taking forever to finish but i needed it to be done Tonight™ to make it in time for tuesday#which normally i'd say ugh whatever i'll just get it up by the 25th#but the stress of trying to get it done quickly has just made me sick of it#to the point that i want to be rid of it as quickly as possible#stressed about document renewal deadlines#stressed about car repairs i haven't even been able to think about because i'm acting as a chauffeur 9 days out of the week#stressed about needing to buy clothes for my internship soon (expensive and dysphoria abound surely)#stressed about needing to petition for my degree#stressed about poorly scheduled doctor's appointments tomorrow where they'll probably tell me my health is still garbage#and that they didn't order the right blood panel so i'll need to be stabbed another four times#ug hg ; ; ; ;#i feel like crying honestly ; ; ; ;#and all this isn't even counting voicebank things or other vocal synth work ; ; ;#how do i keep ending up here ; ; ; ; ; ;
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The weird mix of being stressed out, happy and exhausted... Gonna have to organize once more to get all of this sorted
#the event was scheduled for tomorrow and friday.... shit i was gonna do something on friday ill have to#set up the date for monday... and i just noticed an email i tried to send didnt go through and had to re send it#so i lost time in that....#okay look seari. i know this is good but worst case scenario is that it doesn't happen because of the paperwork#and if that happens look you already started it and will be helpful for something else okay? for now lets focus on tje matters at hand#drink water because its almost 1pm and you hadnt drink any- oh shit- rest because we really need to recover our energy#and lets think and see what we are missing for the stressful stuff#... sigh... after friday we will know my fate...#seari talks#i forgot to schedule the appointment for today... that's okay we still have time... i think... i feel my stomach turning upside down wheb#thinking about the times and how a lot of stuff is out of my control... sigh.... anxiety be damned hahaaha it's okay... lets ACTUALLY rest#because you said you'd take a nao and instead started to do something else#alr alr mimir or rest time
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Somebody tell me to stfu and go to bed pls
#pls pls pls#its 3am#i have an appointment tomorrow#gotta get up at 7#ahahahahahahahaplsineedsleepwhycantmybodyjustcalmthefuckdown#i wanna wanna sleep#but i slept the whole day because my sleeping schedule is fucked and i'm a bit sick and dizzy and urgh#i wanna get knocked oup#i envy ppl who can just go to bed and be gone#i need water#im so thursty#i just wanna hear skyrim bandit asmr and sleeeeeeeeeeeeep#whydidisaythiswtfiswrongwithme
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Did I ever complain abt that publicly idk anyways I need to get to the big city (2h to and 2h back, not much for the states but sure for me) and next to not wanting to bc cold, they gonna stab bc blood test and my body hates making that easy to locate (dif place but I will never forget the time I got stabbed like three times and still no blood so new appointment had to be made, I have a fear of needles otherwise it would be whatev), and even more risky bc gatherings were recently do I prob hate the most that like. I'm hungry.
I'm hungry and I suck at eating enough so I often go out w not much in my stomach. I survive but it sucks really bad that I can't either buy smth once I arrive to eat on the way back or pack smth to like eat on the journey bc no-one wears a mask and the virus stays rampant so I can't take my mask off until I'm back home. At the inbetween stop I maybe could but I rather won't risk anything. Esp in winter I could bring smth warm to drink w me at least but I rather don't in the crowd I gotta walk through. Least people are when I'm only a few mins away from home and at that point I can always just wait a bit longer.
Tbh I dread going outside and limit it to only shopping and appointments bc even if I could walk here prob somewhere without many people do I rather just stay indoors and try to limit irl reminders of how many people can't be bothered to care bc that just nosedives my mental health. It doesn't help that I still try to nudge my irl friends to care more.
#a wild lux appears#I also feel stuck in am I ablebodied or disabled limbo reg physical. On record I only got vitamin deficiencies#Ik my body is weak but that could be due to things that change if I took more care and the right stuff#Idk idk my state feels like it changes biweekly or smth#I just know I relate to some things#And also that it sucks since it started having to wonder if covid or the usual bc some stuff do I have since forever randomly#Idk idk I just woke up from a few hours nap I need to slowly get ready. Why can't the train strike start today already#(I also know that when I'm already done going to the city where I just sit could I not deal w going to a strike or smth next to anxiety#making me feel like passing out n maybe actually happening. I leave that to the people that can actually handle that)#Anyways need to get ready now hn#I will complain the whole time but I need to go. Hnnnnn#I just need to think abt the refill that I can't get otherwise. And then the next appointment is anyways only in 3-6 months again#Plus I got another one tomorrow morning so today will force me to fix the schedule enough so tomorrow won't suck#Bc otherwise I would just pass out fully now but like that at prob like. 18-19 then. Hn.#Hate the cold bc layers hate the heat bc I could pasd out you can't win w my body#At this point I just use the tags to stall I'm really off now to get ready OTL
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#had our new hire no call no show so now instead of working a couple of days and then getting a day off i now work 5 days in a row#which sucks because my job is not the kinda job where you can work 5 days and feel sane but also i really need as much money as i can get#and i feel really emotionally deregulated and unstable plus my meds ran out and i havent had the time or energy to schedule my appointment#to get more....so that makes that even worse#i just feel ......not okay. its only day 1/5 and my body already aches and i just dont feel good. i wish i enjoyed life. i try to find#the joy and love in my mundane life but im always so tired and im always so drained and i deal with so many stupid people and its so hard to#want to be alive. its almost midnight and i wanted to go to bed 2 hours ago and im even in bed ready to sleep and just cant......because#i know i have to wake up and do it again tomorrow. fuck. its all so exhausting.
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#vent#tw for surgery mention !#dont need to read lol i am fucking scattered rn just#soo i majorly fucked up my timing with preops.#my top surgery is next TUESDAY. I have to be in the hospital on MONDAY.#and today my GP told me my labs are bad (blood+urogoly) and she needed another ecg but the doctor there can only take me tomorrow at 12#my gp is in officeo nly until 1 pm and i dont know if she can see me tomorrow after the ecg (same building so no trouble traveling)#cant call her because she was already out of office because i had the fucking time. so i scheduled an email in case i wake up later#left my phone number so i can be called if its after 9:30 bc i will not have internet then#im majorly panicking because i may have to reschedule my top surgery#lot of intrusive thoughts right now. like a fucking lot. i don't remember last time they have been this bad.#i dont really know what to do. i feel so sick#the gp told me she would hope i wont have to reschedule but im so terrified i have to#this is SO last minute as well? i don't know if the doctor who i talked to about my surgery will even be available after my appointment#and i dont think she does weekends so like i will likely have to turn in on monday mornign and tell her i have to reschedule if the surgery#isnt safe for me#and this is very much my fault because im not fucking competent in taking care of myself#“its okay because i dont faint” yeah well i fucking guess i was wrong
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you ever get so upset you just wanna fucking THROW UPPPP
#personal#yeah.#i might schedule my next t-shot appointment in 11 weeks instead of 12 because this shit's fucking insane i'm losing my mind in here#i'll put it on 12 first and see how my mood improves after my shot and if i get hit with a we are so back phase instantly. i'll reschedule#anyway i have work again tomorrow i hope that grounds me again a little bit because i am not having a good time in here luv#AND i need to start playing a game again. i'll make a poll about it tomorrow before work and see what the people say when i get back
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#texted my boss last night and told her I was back home and could come in to work soon and she was like well ok bc you’re scheduled to work#tomorrow#and I was like girl what#so now I work today#which like I need money but I wasn’t prepared to go back immediately#fuck and I just remembered I have a psych appointment at 2 and I work at 3 whoops
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Fuck, fuck, fuck.
#the appointment I thought I had scheduled for tomorrow was#in fact#last thursday#I'm... so upset#because I actually do really need to see my doctor and he's RETIRING this month
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also not to be like, needy on the internet, but i’m having a hard night and i need to laugh so send me funny things. tik toks, jokes, i don’t care please please share and laugh with me
#i’m just… so worried about my brother.#he was diagnosed with ptsd a couple years ago after being traumatized by things he saw in a courtroom as a juror#and the subject of this trial is widely publicized and is all over the news periodically and probably always will be to some extent#and i know he has so much support and i know he wants to help. but he can’t find a therapist with his insurance right now#and him and i are the only ones in my whole family who use social media. which means that i feel like i need to always be watching the news#so i can warn his wife to keep him away from his phone or at least pass on the warning so he can mentally prepare#but it just isnt fair because he put his safety on the line to be a juror at this trial and he helped bring much needed justice#and i’m very proud of him for that. like beyond measure#but also… now i’m also always going to live with this… like. worry for him. and i know you worry about the people you love but#it’s just so overwhelming sometimes. and i wish the world was a better place#because then none of this would be happening. like this all because of an evil person who was protected by an evil system#anyway if you read all of that thanks i guess lol sorry i just super needed to vent that out#i don’t talk about it often for reasons i hope you can infer#remind me to call and schedule a therapy appointment tomorrow lol
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