#the joy and love in my mundane life but im always so tired and im always so drained and i deal with so many stupid people and its so hard to

[gothhyrax]

.

[dogbunni]

I have been on semi-haitus bc I recently got diagnosed with hypertension (at 24!!!! what da fuck!) so I've been trying to reduce some stress in my life while also trying to like figure out what I need to change diet/lifestyle wise and get all the testing done that I need to get done and figure out medication w my Dr. it's been kind of a lot

[junepsycho]

there is some mundane joy in doing the dishes. just the music and me. no thoughts, no people, just me.

okay so we're doing this. ahhh. okay. i hate people. i hate her friends, my friends, family, random clg people, the professors, everyone. all of them. but i interact with them just fine. i treat them normally, sometimes even with kindness. and don't get me wrong here,it's not like the people are horrid or heinous or bad. it's me. I'm the insecure, selfish, begrudging, lazy and straight-up trashy loner. i can't stand it. i feel so different. like an outsider. like i haven't found my group yet. like Tyler and OF. where's my brockhampton? where's my pch. I'm just a grumpy old man in a 19 year old's body. I'm physically weak, academically below average, i look like somewhere between a horse and a monkey, honestly, i don't even know why you're still with me. I'm just. so tired of living. i don't even mean half the things i say here. I'm probably gonna wake up tomorrow, look at myself in the mirror and check myself out. I'm just so fucking annoyed. what's the real issue? what are you trying to say here? what happened? okay, okay. the real issue I'm poking at here is that, i don't like that I make everyone a threat. even the good ones. I'm so cautious. so scared. that they're going to hurt me. in the end, that's all this is about. you hurting me. people, you hurt me. that's why I hate yall. and yes I FUCKING KNOW THAT IM A SENSITIVE LITTLE BITCH BOY. but i can't change that about myself. trust me, I've tried. i can't help but be insecure about my looks or my skills or my relationship and the jealousy and the envy and the anxiety and the sadness it's all too much. it's too much

it's so much that I forget things. memories. events. colours, smells, talks, names. i try to sabotage my own relationship with my thoughts because i get so insecure. where is my self-confidence, my self-respect? i just know, i just know that tomorrow I'm going to be an immature prick. how patient will she be? how long before she realises that I'm not so different from the men she so rightfully hates? how long before my toxic masculinity meets the joyous little kid me and beats the shit out of him? for how long will i procrastinate? why did i have to live this life? this truly god-forsaken life of mine? why do I have the kind of person who complains and complains and complains all the time? I'm. so. tired. and even after reading all this I'm sure you'll find some stupid reason to blame yourself for this. this isn't about you. it's about me. it's always been about me. I'm obsessed with the way the world treats me. and the moment i get that kick I anticipated for, i cry and wonder why no one's helping me get up.

at least I know that the love is real though. i definitely love her and i show her that i love her but I'm a shitty guy. and i cause all the issues in the relationship. cuz that's what shitty men do. loving myself is another story. true love requires me to keep making mistakes and correcting them. not even the same ones, it's new every time.

wow. woke up to this (it got drafted). what is my purpose on this planet? to live? living is a pain. i want to, i need to find something that's worth all that pain. something that brings me the happiness I felt last night, while doing the dishes.

[officialkatie]

decided all my vents are gonna be tagged so if you don’t want them on ur dash block the tag

it is midnight. it is monday. i am pmsing terribly. i have to be up in six hours to go do school observations i don’t want to do but have to do and im nervous. going back to my high school makes me nervous. its different and some people i went to high school with work there and that’s nice for them but i don’t want to see them. i had fun in high school but i don’t associate it well now. i don’t want to be a teacher anymore. it makes me sick to think about going to a school especially my old school. i outgrew it but i need to go back so i can finish this degree. i feel like my insides are being scraped by a cheese grater. and im hot and itchy and im going to cry about nothing and i am just alone. no one to help me. it is midnight i got 4 hours of sleep last night coming back from a vacation i didn’t want and i didn’t enjoy. it wasn’t a vacation. it was horrible. i don’t understand why my family doesn’t like me. i try and they exclude me and still treat me like a little kid. im 23. not that you’d know bc you all always forget my birthday. you belittled my excitement at going to the aquarium and made it not fun for me. i love you but i don’t like you. you ruined what little joy there was left in that trip by taking over like you always do. i didn’t want to go. i know im pmsing but that doesn’t make it any less bad. i’m scared to go tomorrow. i don’t know what room is where anymore and im going to be exhausted from not sleeping bc im too anxious. im going to have cramps. i have class until 10pm tomorrow. i want to work in the aquarium to make people happy the way i should have been. im the one walking behind everyone else on the sidewalk when all i’ve done my entire life is be nice. if i died they would never know. “oh we loved katie” not in any way you showed. all you did was show me that you loved yourselves. its 12:10 now and my hips hurt from pms and sitting in the car for 30 hours. i hate this career path. i don’t want to be a teacher. its not too late for me i know i have time for careers and actual real love and it will come but 12:10 monday morning 5 hours and 50 minutes before my alarm i am sick and i cannot see the sun. the time of feeling good is not in sight. this week is going to be so hard. i don’t even want to go to museum wednesday anymore. i don’t find joy in it im tired im hormonal. i will feel better but not now. i have no joy this week. looking forward to nothing except its end. what kind of sadness is that i don’t even have the joy of the mundane its just dragging. the best part of the week will be friday afternoon. i will nap. i will have less hormones. i will have another paycheck for one day of work but it will be mine. i have no weekend to look forward to but the absence of responsibilities will be there. then a presentation tuesday. and then a movie thursday. it will all suck until it doesn’t and tgen i can rest but until tgen i will have (?). the sleep i get tonight and tomorrow and Wednesday. maybe i’ll be better by then.

[hajimine]

LEX’S 2020 APPRECIATION POST PT. II !

— to the lovely moots & followers who i talk to quite often (or pretty much everyday), this one’s for you.

thank u for being in my life, you made my 2020 so so much better. i’m so grateful october lex decided to make a tumblr acc 🥲

i’ll try my best to keep it kinda short 🥲👍

in alphabetical order:

@4fterh0urs — my omega phoebe 😩‼️ ily so much bc you’re both extremely stupid n extremely smart at the same time. u mean so much to me and i love talking to u even if u call me such weird as nicknames every damn day 😃 you’re so sexy n hella intimidating smfh idk how i was able to make u my bitch (JK PLS DONT KILL MEE) anyways, thanks for being a real one bae + you’re the person i block the most, so you’re special ig 😹👍 ily you’re actually such a sap but u pretend to be all tough heh <33

@archivednikes — my solar system, my wh*re (lovingly) hi bae 😣 ok yk how much i love u but. im gonna tell u again: ILYSM!! OKAY??? please know that you’re such an amazing human being and you’re SO incredibly talented. god i love u so much please take care of yourself baby, you’re always so kind to other people and i hope you can do the same to yourself. once again, i am so fucking glad you decided to slide into my inbox that day, because now i look forward to talking to you every single morning. insert grabby hands ilysm <33

@boosyboo9206 — onyx hi babes! i’m so so grateful for you omg u dont even know it. you always manage to cheer me up with your antics and you’re always here to support me 🥺 whenever i’m down you somehow aways manage to make me feel a lil better. i love talking to u whether it’s about sth as mundane as the weather or even your obsession with the word peepers. thank you for being you, please take care of yourself and stop sleeping so damn late. ilysm <33

@ch4jime — chloe bae!! 😁 hi omg ilysm you’re so cute and cool and nice urghh thanks for always checking up on me! i love love seeing you in my asks, you’re such a lovely person to be around. i seriously need to be better at dropping in other people’s inbox, so just know that i’ll work on hanging out on your blog more often this year bc ily! i wish u all the best and please never stop being you baby mwah <33

@fairyoomi — hi bae 😣😣 how are u?? i know we don’t talk much anymore, and that’s okie, but i still wanna write u this lil note because i’m so thankful i met you here on tumblr. you’re an amazing writer and u were so sweet to me even when i was a teeny blog who didn’t know anyone. i admire u a lot, yknow? thanks for being such a friendly and welcoming person, ily <33

@gu3to — mochi bestieo 🙀 idk if you’ll even see this smh so i’m just gonna text u after this (if i don’t forget to rip) okay so. hello?! you’re so mf cool and you’re a trendsetter 🤩 yes yes im fueling your god complex it’s bc ily smh. you’re so dumb i wanna choke u sometimes but i won’t bc i’m also just as dumb 😁 pls stop disappearing from the face of the Earth okay ilysm you always keep it real and i know i can always count on u to listen to uh... my shit. okay so when are we gonna make out? 🤨 oki bye <33

@hoekageyama — wifey!! maddie baby urghh yk how much i love you, you’re one of my earliest moots im pretty sure? and aaaaa i’m so so glad i decided to be weird as hell and slide into your asks that day (pancreas. sighs. iconic.) you’re my numero uno whenever i wanna bark about hot 2d boys and what i’d let em do to me coughs err yea hehe. please take care of yourself baby you’re such a sweet and kind and loving person and i’m so glad to have you in my life. smh we text each other lovey dovey texts anyway but i still wanna do this for u 😋 ilysm!!! <33

@honeyskawa — lani baby hi! i know you haven’t been super active lately, but i just wanna tell u that i appreciate u so so much!! you honestly made my goddamn week when u sent me that ask about how i inspired you bc what the heck?? never in my life have i expected to have such an impact on someone. you’re a wonderful writer honestly. i love u so much and i hope everything’s going well baby, i’m excited talk to u more whenever you decide to be active on tumblr again <33

@jougogo — kaybae hi!!! you haven’t been on tumblr much lately but hi sexc it’s me lex lol i’ve moved accs hehe 😎 i hope u see this whenever u get your phone back cries. you’re such an amazing person to be around, always so cheerful and friendly, you exude so much positive vibes and ilysm. you always manage to lift up the mood with your sexc self and i admire u for that. you’re so incredibly chaotic and fun to be around ahrgehxhh i appreciate u sm and i hope you’re taking care of yourself bby ily <33

@kemochie — my waluigi, my favorite f*rry, hi 😝 urghhh god we just started talking everyday pretty recently but god. you’re so funny??? and i love bullying u bc u give me so much material to bully u with (ok jkjk i love u that’s why i bully u smh) also, you’re so incredibly supportive and u were actually the one who pushed me to finally post that atsumu fic, even tho stupid me accidentally deleted it LMAOBSBD anw, u bring sm joy in my life, so thank u for that. we’re a small lil filf and you’re the milf to my dilf LMAO ilysm mwah!! <33

@kenmaki — gabbae! virgo bestie!! hi hi !! you’re such a talented person and you’re an amazing writer, and i hope one day u can get past your insecurities and see yourself as the wonderful person u truly are. i love how we were able to relate to each from how similar virgos think + our initial conversation of dick measurements and such will forever be seared into my memory. and congrats on getting a daily railing on the dash HSBDH i don’t look at em i promise lol 🤩🤩 jdbdhdh ilysm bby <33

@miyams — ren sweet babie hi! you’re so incredibly talented please don’t listen to stupid hate anons. i’ll stab them with a serrated knife if i have to 😠🔪 you’re so flippin cute and sweet i love talking to you, and i love love love whenever u come by my inbox to say hi. i hope we can talk even more in 2021, my dms and asks are always open for u bby (even though i suck at replying right away, sorry abt that huhu) i love u sm baby please take care of yourself <33

@miyasangel — ardie bae 😜 hi sexc!! i still cant believe we talk like everyday now lmaoo i used to think you’re so freaking cool (i still do) and now i’m friends w u whattaheck 🥲 you’re such an amazing writer wtf. i hate that we had to start our friendship on such a sour note (ehem discord ehem) but i’m really glad it brought us closer together. ily cockarden i’ll be sure to bully u even more HAHAGS IM JK makes out w u so hard bc you’re so damn hot ily 😣‼️ <33

@owlywrites — owly baby hello! ily so so much and you’re so talented, you deserve so much recognition. i hope i can read more of your fics soon bc they’re so well written ugh 😣 thanks for always checking up on me and always being so incredibly sweet. i love u so so muchhh huhu i wanna give u the biggest hug in the world :( please take care of yourself and never stop being your genuine self kith kith <33

@rilacry — milfy gorlillola 😜😜‼️ hi sexc. omfg i was so intimidated by u wtf (and i still kinda am smh) bc you’re so cool?? and your writing n carrd making skills are amazing as hell wtf. u just exude BDE bc you’re hella hot AND bc u wanna peg everyone. anyways,, i’m glad we got closer recently, even if it was out of really wack circumstances. ily bae pls stop sticking your memojis everywhere mwah <33

@rintaroll — my kue tete ☹️☹️ ilysm smh bye i can’t believe we’re close now wtf you’ve always been so cool and sexc 😩‼️ oh god i rmb when u were still on your old acc and u seemed so out of reach and i was a lil intimidated ANDBDJD SHHH but yea now ik you’re just a big h word dork and i love u for that 😣 i wish u all the best for your singing career bby you’re such a talented writer AND singer wtf. also you’re so pretty???? wtf how rude 😠 JKJK HAHHSBD ilysm kithes u so hard <33

@tetsoleil — geegee!! hi baby 😣 thanks for being such a sweet human being ily! it’s been a while since we actually talked yeah? but i still want u to know that i love u a lot and i appreciate u so much. i’m so so grateful you’re in my life because you’re such a joy to be around. you’re an amazing writer bby and i hope you get the recognition u deserve. i’m always here for u if u need anything. ilysm bby <33

@velvetfireworks — rachie bae 🤩 my bakso goreng, my golden kiwi!!! ily!! hehe im so glad i decided to slide in your dms when u asked me if i was indo. but ahhhh you’re ao sweet and cute and supportive ilysm. an amaaazing writer and i admire your work so much, but i think you’ve heard me say that multiple times before. i’m so glad we became closer recently through our love for greasy food and wonky lil faces 👁💋👁 kith kith ilysm <33

@yato-o — yato baby hi!! urgh honestly i appreciate u so so much?? i feel so lucky to be able to get to know you. i don’t even remember how we met but ahhh thank u for always stopping by and have a chat with me even though i know you’re a busy person. please take care of yourself and get some rest whenever u need to! don’t feel pressured to come on here if you’re tired baby, im so grateful to have u in my life, i luv youu <33

HAPPY NEW YEAR YOU SEXY BAES!

kisses, lex

[firewoodfigs]

work is slowly degrading me into Roy Mustang and this is not a good sign LOLOLOL

just. naps in the afternoon. naps everywhere. perpetual exhaustion. perpetual sigh @ everything in the world. I've only been to the office for two days this week and I already feel tired LOL so I just brought everything back home and I'll probably just... work from home... (except the lamp in my room has gone bust and my room receives very little light even in the mornings because it’s directly blocked by a building opposite :’)) 

this week is a little more fast-paced but still manageable, but I feel like things are gonna go downhill soon because I got roped into two upcoming trials and I’m just like *yeet* *internally screaming in the office* (BUT ALSO TOMORROW IS PAYDAY WOOHOOOOO) but irrelevant rant I think I still would choose disputes over corporate work because like over the past two weeks I've been reviewing corporate stuff and figuring out how to use Microsoft Excel and I already feel like I’m going blind lmao. the annoying part is I can’t even write these days because my eyes, my brain - they’re both so enervated after a day full of research and writing and thinking and more thinking. all I do when I get home these days is just loll on the couch and listen to music from the 60s and dream about tender royai while waiting for the earth to claim me. 

but also I am full of, as Taylor Swift might say, contrarian shit :^) part of me does miss doing the whole arguing in court thing... just a little bit, though - definitely don’t miss the associated panic LMAO like. the days the leading up to moots were always a dumpster. sleeping around the couches in school. living off instant ramen and shitty coffee. reviewing memorandums and scripts over and over. and the worst dang thing of all: organising bundles of authorities oh my woRD I hated that so much!!! my pals and I lugged a frickin’ printer to Australia ok LMAO just imagine!!! 

but yea. im just. tired. wheezing. waiting for inspiration to strike me again. I feel like the mundane routine is slowly dulling me as a person and I need to inject some novelty into my life :c but we’ll figure that out as we go. 

on the bright side, though, I managed to squeeze out some time to meet some friends today! :> I met a friend for lunch because we work pretty close to each other (fortunately, she’s a blessing bless her heart), and then I met a friend for dinner. we had Israeli food, and this pita stuffed with steak and eggs was just. mindblowingly good. also really liked the tiramisu :) I bought her some strawberry beer and apple crumble cider and wrote her a thing ‘cos work has been bogging her down, but I'm also so, so elated to know that she’s found such a sweet partner who’s worthy of her!! affection!! he sent the both of us back home after so I got to talk to him and just :^) idk how to explain this - the inexplicable joy of knowing that your friend is in good hands and is finally getting the love she deserves. also the fact that my mail is arriving safely in people’s mailboxes across international borders and capable of bringing good cheer during a time like this warms my heart immensely :))))) 

ok anyway it’s 1230am and my bed beckons and I'm gonna go sleep now but here is my life update that no one asked for and my shoddy attempt at ~ consistent journalling ~ HAHAHAHA goodnight folks!! have a good week ahead!! stay safe and stay lit I love yall v v much <3 

[kakashi-hatake-lover]

It's funny how life plays out sometime. Every life motivated by the push and pull of events around them. Kakashi's life has always been a journey he had very little choice or control in. Ordered how to behave, how to fight, where to go. Even when he tried to carve out his own path the current of life pulled him back to a path filled with guilt and loss.

But life, like water continued on through the storms of enraged oceans and soft trickles of forgotten streams. Life, it was tiring sometimes but kakashi took each step forward, whatever life threw he had survived, grown, broken many times, but survived.

His goal in life ever changing now focused on trying to improve the well being of his shinobi. Give new generation a future of freedom and choice, and offer support to those that suffer.

Being Hokage however had changed his life as much as he privately disliked it. The weight of village was heavy indeed. Although, Shikamaru does allow him the few moments to slip away.

Paperwork is his life now. Kakashi finally understood why the review team would scold him for late submissions. God, he was getting old.

Today's mundane trauma was the report system had crashed. And, so kakashi was sat his computer diary was stuck in the cycle as it loaded and crashed because there were no documents coming through. No, thats a lie. One report in the last 3 hours was successfully logged. He had been assured that calls had been made to IT, but kakashi was never one to just sit and idly wait.

He spun in his chair, allowed it to return him to facing the desk. The computer still loading. With new found motivation he finally picked up him phone and shuffled his was closer into his desk. He didn't have to call, him calling wouldn't suddenly resolve the issue and every report would ping onto his computer, hell if he so wished he could call the director personally.  he knew that. But~ but he wanted to call. And Kakashi cherishes each small freedom he gets, with that in mind he finally dialled and silently hoped to hear the voice he wanted to hear on the other line.

It shouldn't have come as a surprise that he would be filed into a virtually queue with the distorted jingle far too loud for any comfort only to be interuppted by a robotic female telling him his number in the queue. 7 to be precise.

"Good afternoon IT support, Olivia speaking."

The soft trill of Olivia's voice pulled kakashi from his book. Phone minutes ago abandoned to enjoy the wait music alone was now back in Kakashi's hand, pressed firmly against his ear. Even though he was alone he tried to restrain the smile that blossomed from his heart. He found himself suddenly standing, talking was always better when upright and alert.

"Olivia, Hi. It's uh~" he hesitated.

"Mr Hatake!" The young woman sounded as joyous as always. One couldn't help but feel the warmth she effortlessly radiated. Kakashi knew she would be smiling. He could hear it in her voice, she always greeted that you were an old friend, and she held you dear to her heart. Perhaps even a little nieve to the trials the world relentlessly threw. Kakashi admired that~

"Mr Hatake? Hello? Can you hear me?"

"Hm, yes sorry. My mind was a bit distracted...how are you?"

"I'm doing adequately~" Olivia chuckled. "To has been bit of a stressful one. Had a small cry over my lunch. But its all settling now, just got a backlog of reports that need pushing through."

Kakashi perched on his desk and propped his phone between his shoulder and ear which allowed him to fold his arms over his chest. "What happened?"

On the other end he heard Olivia let out a heavy sigh. "No idea, but the servers have been restarted. So all I know is the issue is resolved now. There should be a correspondence coming out to the shinobi and an issue report made for the Hokage. I imagine he's fuming! How are you?'

"Well about that. You said the issue is resolved, but my computer is still not pulling through any reports." Kakashi turned to peer at his screen the rather patronising sad face was still very much visible. On the other end the muted sound of typing began.

"Oh, let's see. Which archive are you trying to access?" It was amusing to hear the switch from cheerful to professional.

"Well at the moment its A rank archive. I refresh the page it says its fetching data and then that sad face appears."

The typing grew faster and louder all the while Olivia mimicked kakashi's words under her breath. "Okay, unfortunately I don't have access to the A rank archive to check~ and my manger is not at his desk...hm. oh! Im just going to put you on mute, I know where I can check. Is it okay if I put you on mute? Or would you prefer the hold music."

"Anything but the hold music."

"Okay hold tight I'll be back before you know it!" With a genuine giggle the line went silent. And so kakashi waited. He wondered what kind of person this Olivia really was, to talk so casually and sound as if she gave a damn. She sounded young, well younger than himself. Was this her first job perhaps? Still fresh and fully of hope. What did she look like, her hobbies and interests?

"So!" The line blew back into life. However the heavy breathing and pained wheezing told a whole story. Kakashi felt a stab of concern.

"That was the first time I've ran in months. But I asked one of the jounin live testers just to check for me and the A archive is all fine now so you shouldn't be having any issues. So, my next question to you Mr Hatake auditor in the hokage building, have you checked your Internet connection?"

Of course he has checked his Internet connection. But, then  had he? Slowly kakashi turned to face his monitor. Surely it can't be his connection? Can it? He let his eyes drift to the bottom right corner, and there. As plain as day the Internet disconnected symbol.

"Oh, well would you look at that." He flushed, he could feel his stupidity arise with the embarrassment. But with all his training his voice remained impassive. That's all that mattered. She couldn't see him facepalm and slump back in his chair.

Laughed erupted between the pair, kakashi finally took his place in his seat once again and made quick work or reconnecting his Internet. He'll never get used to this new system hes sure of it~"

"If it makes you feel any better, I spent the best part of 2 weeks not having access to one of the support channels we use. It was because I was using the wrong email...are you back online."

Kakashi smiled, refreshed his webpage and within seconds the diary sprang to life. A days worth of work flooded every crevasse. "We are back up and running." He opened the first report and scanned the details, oh the joys of paperwork!

"I'm glad we got that fixed. This will be the last time we speak probably, Mr Hatake."

The blunt statement pulled Kakashi away from his work. That was very unexpected. "Why, where are you off to?"

"The company are making some changes. So I'll be moving to support the Hokage. I dont know if he has been made aware yet. But management found out he was calling this support line alot, which isn't right. Although I have no idea who he is has been speaking to. So they are setting up a private support within the Hokage office. I was offered the position! Ill be testing software too within the actual office environment too. Its all very exciting. Maybe if the Hokage isn't strick ill be able to help others in  the main building! But that is completely out of my hands."

"I have no doubt our paths will cross." Kakashi couldn't help the amusement that filled his heart. She still had not cottoned on. Perhaps it was time to tell Olivia before it was too late? But where would the fun in that be. "When do you transfer?"

"Hmm technically in a few weeks. But I go on annual leave from today, and I have been advised that once the Hokage is informed I may start sooner rather than later. Oh~"

Shuffling over the line pulled through the line. Olivia's voice became muffled, it seemed she was speaking to someone.

"I do apologise Mr Hatake, I need to let you go now." Her voice hushed, into a strained whisper. " my manager just told me off. But! I hope you have a lovely day and maybe I will see you soon? Bye!"

"Yes, I hope so too~" the line had already disconnected.

[taromilksnake]

9:42pm i should just go to bed

productive day...maybe the way to more present is to keep detailed log of the most mundane? track anything and everything

today went well enough but like roots growing or teeth aligning in a retainer there’s a running undercurrent of unease

woke up to the smell of burning plastic (which turned out to be a burning ship on the waters), edited my scholarship essay (losing interest and heart...but just need to get it done lol), quickly dressed to go fuck around at ceramic heights (made a “cup”, platypus with ‘QUEER’ on it), came home (got gas and mcd on the way back), sat by sherry’s work desk and shared mcnuggets snack/lunch, took a shower, went and got groceries with sherry at trader joe’s, came back tired, tense from her irritation (not at me, but loud sounds made me jump; nervous, trying to be appeasing and realizing how it makes it worse but not able to stop it), put groceries away, been hiding in my room on tumblr (donating, reading) and youtube (music, hanae) since 7ish. still running my brain tired trying to imagine how i would look on T, stressed about if i would be allowed on w/ long hair (would i have to chop it off and start over if i want to be on T?), running brain tired trying to figure out if im secretly a trans guy...

for: always wanted to be “handsome,” tomboyish in activity, insecurity about height, sympathized w/ guys, thinking hard about f/m relationships since a long time (but how much is accounted for just being bi/nb? how can things like this be seperated??), imagine being a gay guy in sexual fantasies, like the idea of masculine face, upper body

against: how much is just suppressed dissatisfaction w/ body (ie just needs to work out and gain hot bod)? do i have a sense of dissatisfaction?, looking for “quick” and easy fix rather than “putting in the work” (i.e. voice training, binder, makeup), do i just want to be sexually attractive to dean?, don’t have bodily dysphoria? minimal/no social dysphoria?

hinge: like the idea of deeper/husky voice, but dont dislike my own voice (i think? i feel like i would miss it), fear of repercussion of being trans in primary school education, conflicting feelings about top surgery (conforming to concepts of masculinity vs the sense of arbitrariness of it all), heavy relatable moment to haruhi, fear of emotional processing changes (emotion =/= personality, but not believing it), excited/queasy/nervous at the idea of being seeing seeing as a “freak” (guy w/ chest) but not wanting to compromise parts of the body i dont mind, how will i tell mom and dad???? what if i lose friends

i can come back and add to this as i think of more, i suppose...trying to maintain perspective and believe that i have all the time i need to figure this out. it just feels like i have too much on my plate against my will...

also a resurgent resentment/anger/sadness at old loves now that i’m learning about bisexuality...not much to do but feel it fully, accept it, and move on...

also my dream life is basically living w/ dean and the idea that that might not happen i still can’t wholly accept...i know i will and can, but i dont want to..

i guess rn order of operations (remember, this is on the timespan of years):

- get credential

- work as teacher and earn money (gain credits + work up to masters)

- grow hair out + find hairstyle that is “me”

- pay back grandparent(s), sherry, save up money to put down deposit for house and live there

- decide to start T (or not)

- think about what to do with dean (we’ll still be friends either way, so. dont worry lol)

other things that i want to improve on in general is to be more spontaneous/present, to find sense of identity, to not be apologetic/jumpy when taking up time and space, to get a glimpse of how others see me (good, capable, generous), exercise+diet to maintain physical and mental health, relax+ have free time to do arts n crafts AND go on trips/camping (think the joy of outdoor school, NYC w/ band...)

a thing to keep in perspective is that had things not happened as it did w/ dean (ie not dating), we would very likely not have gotten as far as we did today...so just relax and don’t be afraid...there’s nothing to be scared of, really. all the things that you secretly want (showing dean taiwan, camping together, living together), all of them, they’ll work out one way or the other. focus on you, not for him, not for mom, sherry, or anyone else, but for you. the other person that is with you all the time, the one that you should learn to love, to not neglect. you get out what you put in.

your end goal is just to have a memorable life. that’s all!

[tumblunni]

aaaa im getting stupidly inspired to work again on my old Dating Sim Ghost Tragedy Game since I had that dumb idea today about a new Dating Sim Ghost Tragedy Game I’ve had like five separate ideas for different tragic undead datey games :P Lets talk about this particular one!! I’m pretty tired so I cant really write it a big post like i did with today’s new idea, but I’ll try my best ^_^

The idea is that it’d be sort of a traditional medieval fantasy setting but its more like a slice of life tale of the regular citizens in these sorts of worlds, rather than a big destined hero thing. Sorta like the appeal of the Atelier series? I’m thinking the protagonist could maybe be a blacksmith or a gardener or some other down-to-earth job? I just feel like he’s a hardworking chill sort of dude, sometimes kinda comes off as emotionless to others, kinda depressed but devoting himself to his work helps him smile again. He’s really passionate about whatever he does! And i think deciding his job would be a big step towards developing this idea, because having it as a minigame would help add structure to the plot and some relief from the sadness. I dont wanna make it too similar to Atelier though... So yeah, the protagonist is this cute mid-twenties relateable fella who’s just trying to do his job. I think I wanna give his outfit dungarees or something? I feel like he’d always look a bit work-uniform-style even when he’s off duty, he’s kinda too lazy to change clothes. A perpetually bored and disinterested guy. Or, at least that’s the impression he gives off to people who don’t know him, he only brightens up around the few friends he has. AND HE PUTS 100% INTO THAT SMILE, GODDAMMIT

And then his childhood friend is someone who actually was sort of a ‘standard rpg hero’, but a really sad subversion of it. At the moment he’s currently the main love interest, and he’s still sorta the catalyst for the plot and the mysteries and all, even if you don’t pick him. or I dunno, maybe I’ll just make it only one love interest but many multiple endings, but I think this character would be happy if his love interest was happy with somebody else in the endings where they dont get together. He’d be crying but happy. Anyway, my mental image for him now is this really weary chronically shy cinnamon roll who’s like a big ol tall beanpole knight with long rapunzel hair that he hides behind. Maybe white hair cos that’d fit thematically with his plot, but is that too sephirothy? When they were children, knight-guy used to be this bright and uplifting figure who always protected protagonist and had such great dreams of being a hero who could save everyone! And he went off to join the army at a young age, and then he just... shattered. He came back disgraced as a deserter, the decade of loyal service ignored by all his former neighbours just because he’d quit in the end. He had a complete breakdown and just couldnt take the violence anymore, now he’s barely 23 years old and already retired. And completely alone. No family, just trying in vain to take care of his fragile self as he locks himself away in his house and everybody gossips about him. And the thematic thing is that his biggest fear is spiders. The moment he snapped was when he was left injured on the battlefield unable to move for hours, trapped under a pile of bodies of his fellow soldiers, trying to play dead to survive. He just remembers seeing a spider crawling across the face of the man next to him, the man in pieces... So everyone horrid in the village likes to mock him by scaring him with spiders, and I havent decided on his name yet but he probably has a spider-based nickname. He’s unlucky enough to even look spidery :P

Ooooooohhhhhh and for extra irony, the village is next to a magic forest populated by demon spiders. WHOOPS, FATE HATES YOU! They’re kinda like both the gods and demons of this village, they’re seen as morally bankrupt dangerous trickster spirits that’ll do whatever they want regardless of good and evil. Everybody talks about how horrible they are and warns that anyone who does [insert sin according to our religion] will be cursed by them, but they also make offerings to them and consider them entirely responsible for the success of the harvest, etc. Its like if you knew your gods were unpredictable dicks but you still tried to placate them with gifts! (like most old european pantheons I guess) And even though this setting is indeed a magical one, the existance of the spider spirits is kind of an unknown mystery similar to real life gods. People very rarely see them in times of need, and nobody can ever prove it really happened. The forest is indeed the ‘forest of spiders’ but the only proven fact is that it has a lot of (as far as we know) completely ordinary spiders in it. Nobody knows why so many spiders cluster in this one area, so making up a legend about gods seems like a possible thing that could happen. or maybe this one area really is the centre of the world where the One True Spiders weave the webs that tell the future, and these are their mortal followers praying in worship much like the humans do... Anyway, its just a cool aesthetic thing of a cobweb-encrusted forest where entire trees get coccooned annually as the seasons come and go~ And a cool civilization that has a lot of trade in silk and weaving! Kinda based on the old ps1 game Jade Cocoon, though that revolved around magical spirit silkworms instead.

At the time the story starts, best friend knight guy has been back home for a fair few years now. Him and protagonist met again, and protagonist is goddamn determined to take care of his ill friend and somehow manage to convince the town to take him back! Its basically two depressed people holding on to each other as their lifeline, and helping each other compensate for the things they’ve each been robbed of. Protagonist struggles with expressing emotion and being a complete pushover who can never tell anyone what he really wants, so its helping him a lot that for once he’s determined and won’t just mindlessly obey his parents. You cant tell me to cast aside my best friend! Plus best friend just generally thinks the goddamn world of him and helps him be happy! And best friend suffers from seeing himself as worthless and being anxious about disaster at every turn, feeling that nobody loves him and nobody SHOULD love him. And not being capable of taking care of his more mundane day-to-day needs because he doesnt believe he deserves to like.. eat, sleep, leave the house, etc. Poor guy... I’m so glad I invented a protagonist character that can be there for him! And seriously they both just renew each other’s self worth and I’m getting so emotional about this pairing before I’ve even developed it... GAHHHH

SO YEAH LETS GET DOWN TO THE ACTUAL PLOT It was kinda necessary to establish the history leading up to it, because that’s why it’s so tragic :(

Last year, the protagonist’s best friend vanished overnight and never came back. Everyone says he just ran away again like a coward, nobody even looked for him except you. They say he was last seen walking into the forest, and nobody will listen when you say that’s IMPOSSIBLE! His biggest fear was the spiders! The protagonist frantically tried to find him.. tried to find his body... tried to at least investigate this murder mystery and find some closure... tried to at least convince people that it WAS a murder mystery.... With the loss of the person he cared about most, the protagonist has slunk back into his own shell again, and starts to give up hope on life. Facing the same pariah treatment they gave his spider-fearing friend, he eventually learns to stop asking questions, to stop searching, to just do whatever his parents said. And his parents said he has to have an arranged marriage, to restore their reputation, after his STUPID STUNT of causing so much FUSS over the death of some stupid deserter... Each day blends into the next, as life becomes once again just going through the motions of being a ‘proper man’. Then... One day... He comes back. The spider-haired best friend comes walking though your door like nothing had happened! But.. he isn’t quite right. Your joy starts fading to a growing dread. He doesn’t remember what happened? He walks straight past the people heckling him? He seems more peaceful than he’s ever been, he’s fearless again and he keeps answering your questions with exactly what you’re desperate to hear. Sometimes you swear you see him talking to spiders whenever you turn your back... So you have to adjust to having him back, and try and figure out the mystery of his dissappearance while worrying whether you can trust him or not. You even entertain irrational thoughts that the legends are true, and maybe you’ve invited a forest spirit into your home because it mimicked the voice of the man you loved. And... what will you do about that love? For the first time ever he’s recipricating your feelings, he knows all those words that went unspoken, as if he could hear you every night as you wished you’d confessed while you had the chance. Is this really him holding you close, or is it a cruel trick to offer you everything you wanted, so the forest can claim you just like it claimed him?

So yeah, gameplay would be like exploring around each day searching for clues, doing a certain job-based minigame, and having chances to either go down the dating sim path or mistrust this man that may or may not be the one you knew. Even options perhaps to develop a romance with other characters instead? But will there be consequences for instilling jealousy in something otherworldly...? I think maybe if you just jump right into romancing possibly-friend-possibly-doppelganger, then you get a bit of a bad ending. Agreeing with him 100% and never solving the mystery is bad, regardless of whether he’s actually trustworthy or not. Either way it ends tragically, but there might be possibly a way to get a true romance ending with him if you actually do keep on top of resolving the main plot as well as just smooching. I... won’t say whether his romance is good or bad though :P And there’d be one not-romance route, where its kinda like you have to work hard to avoid romance! The protagonist’s arranged marriage is a big problem, he’d resigned himself to that fate but now he’s starting to hope he can confess to the one he really loves instead. But he’s gotta go against the whole damn world trying to force him into this ‘destiny’... Oh and I wanna make the most of the spider aesthetic! I was thinking that ‘fate threads’ could be a big gameplay element, with the possibility of getting these out-of-context flashforwards and clues that can help you avoid a bad ending. (Like in Until Dawn!) And romance meters would be a silk thread connecting the two of you, because pretty interface elements are awesome :)

POINTLESS RANDOM DEVELOPMENT TRIVIA This is actually a super old idea that’s remained undeveloped for many years! Back when i was a lil teen I originally imagined sort of a similar thing but with mermaids/water spirits instead of spider ones. And a lake instead of a forest, naturally. Also it kept flip-flopping on the genders of the characters. Ultimately i decided delicate spider aesthetic would fit better with a m/m couple and terrifying swamp creatures of fierceness would be better as sapphic. And the het idea died quickly cos it was based on dumb gender roles that the shy one has to be the girl, blablabla :P Oh and for some reason the whole spider idea came from reading one particular case in the manga adaptation of Ace Attourney. Weird, huh?

[viralhottopics]

Why sex and love dont belong in the same bed

Theres never anything profound about erotic contact. Sex is purely a hormonal act, whereas love, as expressed in a hug, brings true intimacy

Sex sells, they say, and Im as guilty as anyone of finding headlines such as How to keep the sex alive in your marriage irresistible. I pore over these articles, never quite trusting their advice, but still discussing them with my girlfriends ad infinitum.

But is sex really about love, about connecting with your partner in some mysterious, profound way?

No, I dont think it is. I think the 20th century made the whole story up, and we bought it because it suited us. We went from sex-shame to sex-worship in a few heady years.

We are told again and again that sex is communicative. I always think, What are they talking about? Have I ever communicated anything during sex? I dont think so. Some women are confident enough to tell their partners exactly what they want in bed, so yes (I mustnt be totally cynical), you might just communicate as well as you do to a plumber, explaining where a leak is coming from. And just being naked with someone is a real act of trust. But beyond this, I have absolutely no idea what is going on in my partners head when we have sex, and he has absolutely no idea what is going on in mine.

I once risked asking my partner whether he thought sex could ever be spiritual. Spiritual! he laughed. The spirit doesnt enter into it. Sex is about lust, about desire, about a particular physical experience that is intensely pleasurable. Its about Spurs coming top of the league, a good day at work, a way of dealing with surplus emotion which makes you able to sleep well. Sex has never been about the spirit, not for a day!

One of the most alarming things about sex, I find, is the role of fantasy within it. Regardless of whether it is true, we are still taught that sex is about love. There seems to be a huge conflict here. Having sex with one man, thinking of another am I persuaded that counts as loving?

In the early 80s, as part of my training as a probation officer, I learned how to be a sex therapist in a week. No mention of the word love, incidentally: it was all technique and teaching my clients how to fantasise about film stars.

At that time, I thought it was all quite amusing. I was in my 20s, and quite happy to share erotic stories with my then husband, about innocent virgins and their seduction. But now I am 56: and thank God I dont know what goes on in my husbands head.

We were lovers, first, at 20. Is he remembering how smooth and silky and firm my flesh was then, as he feels my middle-aged spread? Is he thinking of the lovely young woman whos just started at his work, the one who is turning everyones head? Or is he just away with the fairies? I once asked him what it felt like as a man to have sex and he told me he felt like a bicycle tyre being blown up. Oddly, I found this hugely reassuring. It could have been so much worse.

And what if he could see what was in my head? What if he knew I was thinking of a scene from a Japanese pornographic movie I saw yonks ago? I complain that sex is not communicative except in the most mundane ways. But what if it really was? What if, at the end of the sex act, we swapped printouts of what we were honestly thinking about, whether that consisted of shopping lists or secret objects of lust? Would we feel closer, more loved by our partners? Or would we feel undermined, betrayed, jealous, appalled?

Sex is not about souls. We have sexual desire when we want to have sex, not when we love someone. If that wasnt the case, it would be the oldies who were all having rampant sex after 40 years of a happy marriage, whod be the writers of agony columns advising those poor young people how being kind and considerate and bringing a cup of tea to their partner in bed will really get the pulse racing.

The older I get, the more sceptical I get. Sex is a neutral and colourless thing, and a higher or lower sex drive is caused by hormones that are hard to control. For hundreds of years, societies and religions have tried to harness this drive. But for the past 60 years, we in the west have been quite sure we know best: every other age and culture has been wrong. We are right. Sex is the most profound form of human love, the deepest expression. What a load of nonsense. How were we ever taken in? Because we wanted permission to have a good time.

Sex is not about souls, its about bodies, and the thing about bodies is that they are objects: dont complain about men treating them as such, we women treat them like objects, too. We pierce them, tattoo them, adorn them, beautify them to our hearts content. I was bemoaning this fact to a gay friend of mine, saying: Its dreadful and destructive what modern culture would have us believe. By conflating sex and love, we have young people wanting plastic surgery to change their bodies. They think that by having surgery theyll become more shaggable, and therefore more lovable. Isnt that pathetic?

He said to me: Of course sex is about bodies. And what are the young people who dont want surgery so complacent about? We have the technology. They should be having surgery, too.

I am such a romantic. I believe in love from the bottom of my heart. Theres a couple in our village who have been married for 60 years: I watch them walking their dog every morning, hand in hand. Where has that kind of love gone to? Will we ever get back there again?

Nowadays, for people who have been married for a long time, sex is the minefield that separates them. Everyone feels they ought to be having it, ought to be enjoying it, that it ought to be an expression of their love. They are too tired for groundbreaking sex, but they hunger for affection. Human beings crave to hold and be held, but we stay on our side of the bed in case a sexual performance is demanded. Its all a very sad and sorry story.

How did we get here? Where did we go wrong? Why are so many relationships just so fragile?

Love and erotic love are two very different emotions I would argue they are almost contrary. Love proper is to do with the other person: it is about the care, respect and understanding of that human other. Love like this grows, it cannot help it. The more of yourself you invest in another person, the more you receive. You become as one: their pain is your pain, their joy, yours too.

Erotic love, on the other hand, is about wanting something.

The French are right: you cannot desire what you already have. In fact, another article I recently devoured was written by a French sex therapist. It was about how to have a fulfilling sex life in your 60s. I wanted to disparage it, as I do all the others, but she was absolutely right: keep yourself in trim, buy sex toys, watch pornography, have an affair if you dare, keep yourself aloof from your husband, sleep in a separate bed, use a separate bathroom. And certainly dont allow your husband into your innermost thoughts.

I put the paper down and I thought, Thats all very well, and true, but who would want a marriage like that?

Marriages all about me fail: every time, its unbearable to me, the children are always distraught as mine were when I divorced and sex, in one guise or another, is always the reason. Either one of the partners has fallen in love with someone else (ie, fancies someone rotten and wants to pursue it), or there is simply a mismatch (and perhaps only temporary) of libido. I just dont buy the deep incompatibility malarkey love and sex being bedfellows, the one reflecting the other. Its far more likely youre working too hard or have got young children.

If you want a good marriage, forget the hysteria about sex. Just take care of your partner, have a good chat, make sure theyre OK, and give them a good, felt, daily hug.

Read more: http://ift.tt/2jH99w5

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