#need to have much say or control over
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someone on discord called cnu a loyal fool (affectionate) for renewing with wm lol. when they renewed in 2018 i also got the impression he stayed out of loyalty to wm (did he say something?). wm could have done so much more for him. but we do know a solo album has been in the works for a while, at least. i loved his musical era too, why hasn't he done more? i hope he's content with where he is, or has negotiated better terms this time around. do we know how long he's renewed for?
Nope, nothing released on how long the renewal is for. I'd assume it has to at least be for a year though, minimum. Likely 1 (or 2) years given most renewal contracts... T_T
Blegh Idk, is it loyalty? Maybe. Yeah, CNU initially (I wanna say for their D+Documentary??) mentioned about having like, loyalty or 'trust' in renewing with WM or something. But of course, fast forward two years following that and they got RBW technically at the reigns ever since. So idk if I'd say that loyalty or trust could still be there, or at least to the same level.
Cause why not release his solo music then, that he teased months ago?? What's holding him back? Is it him just not wanting to release it? If so, then why? That makes me suspicious of his trust/faith in the company. Or, is it WM/RBW just getting in the way? (which wouldn't be new at least for WM-- remember, CNU and even Jinyoung would complain years ago that they always had new music ready to go, and that they wanted to comeback always sooner than what WM provided). Again, this also brings us right back around to why would he want to renew then? It seemed like he's almost... mindfully choosing not to be super active in other projects, whether it be a solo release, musical, regular tv/radio appearances (no, I don't count him filling in for Gongchan lol) etc. That's why I really thought he was just biding his time until he could be free tbh.
Which was why I'm like, ok, maybe because of Sandeul and Gongchan and their contracts not ending until much later is the reason?? Plausible, I suppose. Honestly speaking, CNU isn't really a hot commodity right now. I also don't think, unless he did some serious work himself on his own time, he'd have other agencies and companies approaching him for better contracts. Which sucks, but it really is just the feeling I have. So I think it's partially a... forced loyalty until Sandeul and/or Gongchan decide what they wanna do, and partially a 'welp, there really isn't much of another option'.
#i mean i'll always support him regardless#it just sucks because I'm really having a hard time understanding#the 'why' behind it all#wm and rbw seem to not be supportive of him in the slightest#hence the few little things he is doing (weverse or that youtube workout thing)#is basically all him but also things that the company really doesn't#need to have much say or control over#which is why like i said he was just doing this to basically do *something*#until he could be free#things are going to make more sense i feel once sd finally comes back from the army.... i think we'll see a lot of things change.#not to sound mysterious there but lol#we shall see#b1a4#cnu#wm entertainment#rbw entertainment#b1a4 documentary#text#ask#reply
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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you
#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what#allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of#the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than#to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do#im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt#take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was#mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their#mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that#explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain#direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in#arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to#engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out#theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive#a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked#picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing#sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example#for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war#is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old#wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for#steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with#especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can#look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never#treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time#but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made#feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them#accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me#yapping#diary
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im not autistic but i believe in their beliefs (because i share like 80 % of symptoms typical for autistic women with yall)
#overstimulation? check#bursts of anger? check#overwhelmed in social situations and needing a lot of downtime in my safe space? having comfort people? check#seeming ‚weird‘ to other people? check#always feeling like i dont fit in with the girls? check#overly excited over small things? check#sensory issues? check#never knowing when its my turn to talk in conversation? check#people reacting weirdly when i interject in conversations? check#monologueing about my special interests? check#special talent? semi check because i dont think im that good at drawing but i used to get in trouble in school for drawing too much#often say inappropriate/inappropriately frank and honest things unintentionally? check#extremely analytical thinking especially regarding social relationships but unable to make me less weird? check#having been the odd one in my family and school and at work all my life? check#having specific rules how everything has to be done? needing rituals and structure and a controlled environment? check#social anxiety as a result? CHECK#the list goes on…#its the adhd/bpd mix i think#personal
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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Before I go to sleep I leave you all with this piece of advice: sometimes you don't actually have to answer big political questions, sometimes you can just say "I am not smart enough to know that, I just know the small things I do to help." Like you can often times completely avoid making a fool of yourself if you just say you don't know.
#simon says#to explain here and not in a reblog:#sometimes when you try to explain big picture solutions you're gonna sound dumb#you might not have done enough research#you might not have a rebuttal to a counter argument#you might not be articulate enough to explain why you think this#sometimes you gotta take a step back and give the simple solution. the one man solution#you do what you can to fight against the problem#you talk to people to help spread awareness and how to fight the bad problem#and you vote and invite others to vote for bigger steps towards solving the problem#like you can talk about theory and how you believe we need to do a huge drastic thing to solve and issue#but people will disagree and argue til you're blue in the face#they'll poke and prod until you mess up or lose your temper and use it against you#and you'll feel dumb and they'll learn nothing#sometimes the best thing to do is step away from the big picture and just say 'idk what the solution is I just know the things I can do“#sometimes you gotta admit you're not a scientist/expert and you can't answer that#i used this while talking with my Dad tonight#he brought up our climate crisis and space travel as a possible solution#and I said I think that's just addressing the symptom and not the cause and we need to care for our Earth now#and he asked me what solutions I think would fix it#and knowing my incredibly smart Dad who is articulate and ready to throw rebuttles at a moments notice to play devils advocate#and my past experience in struggling in this topic with him before#i just told him I didn't know. all i knew is the little things I can and do do to help#and that hopefully by spreading the word and habits and encouraging others to vote for those bigger solutions I could help make a change#but all I really could do is the little things I have control over#and the topic became much less stressful about the little things we have control over#like planting native plants and recycling and adopting habits that are healthier to our planet#which was 100% more preferable to if I tried to give a big solution. because I would reveal i didn't have all the knowledge needed to argue#and my articulation would make me sound like a stupid kid who only thinks they know what's best#so yeah I basically suggest that if you dont wanna feel like shit after debating someone just step away from the big picture for a moment
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Nick himself said that his knowledge is confined to the leaks prior to s4, the s4 scripts from his verified source (likely within a source) and basic knowledge most fans paying attention have been able to formulate about s5 based on what has been released officially/unofficially, trends from Netflix and common sense.
He is saying based on all that, he doesn’t think byler is happening.
And if we think back to what the Duffers themselves shared in the 4x09 script, it literally implies Mike’s monologue worked, and that it was entirely genuine. This tells me that the script the Duffers released for Emmy consideration, is not that far off from what Nick saw for himself.
I think it’s likely Nick got something that the average below the line worker might manage to get their hands on if they tried hard enough. A copy they know they have to water-down to prevent these very situations from happening.
Unfortunately for the Duffers, it just so happens that they didn’t scrub their watered down copy hard enough.
Unfortunately for Nick, he admitted that it’s possible and even likely that the production will release things that aren’t exactly accurate with the sole purpose to lead fans sleuthing astray, without realizing it may have ironically already happened to him.
#byler#stranger things#8flix#it would take an eternity to cover everything about scriptgate properly#there are just so many aspects of it that are unknown or are known but just not thoroughly understood bc 8flix has existed for some time#even prior to that fateful dry summer back in 2022#and including scripts beyond just st which made 8flix seen as a reputable source for scripts across the board#personally i've found myself back and forth on it#was nick sus for telling fans a script was dropping hour by hour and then going radio silent for days only to not release a script at all?#yes (and all while using the loophole argument that technically people donated to 8flix and got a complementary script with that donation)#were the st writers fishy for saying they'd release a script for a scene but would then need at least 2 business days to post each one?#also yes#are we really doubting that they have secrets in their scripts that they have to remove/shift a bit for the generic all-access version?#if so.. why?#I think very few people see the version of the script that the duffers have#shawn likely has it plus his own notes with it bc he also contributes ideas and runs it by the bros for his episodes and more bc he's an EP#maybe other key-players with that sort of control over the production could have more honest scripts i.e. the writers room#outside of that you have the main cast who MIGHT get those scripts + additional notes on their characters as discussed separately one on on#but beyond that scripts are meant to be vague#it's supposed to be 1 minute of screentime = 1 page of script#quite frankly multiple versions of the scripts exist and we're getting the barest of them all... minus a few slips here and there...#I could go on forever but i wont for my sanity bc the reality is we don't know for sure what happened and we probably never will#i'm more interested in seeing how this all pans out#nick has come out for vindication at least once this summer and last summer since 2022#i'm getting hefty slap on the wrist vibes here which if anything just makes this all so much more insane bc i mean... the implications?...#is it giving bad blood? is it giving enemies to lovers?#maybe nick will give us more vague hints when the next dry summer rolls around
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KILL!!!!!!!!!
#my post#this is so mean. why did i make this#but also....... the gun is in your hands now#i'll admit that it's my fault for putting the gun in your hand... however i've no say in what you choose to do with it#will you pull the trigger and accept whatever happens from now on? will you give yourself into the role forced upon you?#no one will know anything if you don't say anything. there will be no consequences or repercussions to this choice#but you will know. and you will need to live with that knowledge for the rest of your life#a gun not fired is like an itch not stratched#in the end i have no control over what you do... but free will is a funny thing#the brain is very susceptible to suggestion... everything we see and experience will remain with us in some way#if that's the case then how much control do we really have in our lives? how do we separate what we really want vs what we're told to want?#things like hunger... desire... they're all things the body asks for. but are they things that we truly want?#or are they merely a mechanism built into us for the sake of survival?#everything blends into everything. your past actions will inform your current actions. you're the only one who's ever lived your life#you're the only one who will ever live your life#little variables and experiences we all share... but the order varies greatly from person to person. everything is just a series of events#the way i see the world is different than the way you see it regardless of how similar they are#what choice will you make now? and how does it differ from the choice you would've made a week ago? a month? a year? does it differ at all?#does free will truly exist? i think it does... but not in the way most people think it exists#you and i... we might differ on that thought. or we might not.#regardless of whatever i've been rambling about right now... refusing to make a choice is still a choice you make. life is ironic like that#does one of them really have to go? that's for you to decide now#i've merely chosen to put the gun in your hand. to make you aware of the possibilities#so i hope you realize what power your choices have#dca fandom#daycare attendant#yeah sometimes i just say things that i think are deep but they're really not#i hope the choices i make have an effect on others. even if it's just one person...#if i can make even just one person think about something they wouldn't have normally thought about then isn't that a win?#life is a series of choices... ''it'd be great if you could see a figure of light by the time you die'' ♡
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once you realize the extent to which the subjugation of children is normalized in our society you'll never stop seeing it
#bolo speaks#I could write about this at much greater length but I don't feel like it right now so the tl;dr is#children/minors are the only class of people which you can assert Don't Know What's Best for Them and#Need Other People to Guide (Control) Them#and receive no pushback for it in contemporary usamerican society.#sometimes I feel like children are the last group of people it's acceptable to say shouldn't have autonomy over their own lives#and the cultural blindness to it makes me crazyyyyy.#it crosses over with lots of other forms of oppression too#misogynists will unironically assert adult women are mentally comparable to children and that's why we need to be controlled by men#speaking from specific historical examples the philippines was cast as the u.s' ''brown little brother'' to justify colonialism under that#same idea of filipinos as a group being less informed and *childlike* and in need of white guidance (control).#I know similar justifications were used for usamerican slavery but I'm less well-read on that so. citation needed but you know what I mean.#and outright comparisons to children are of course used to deny disabled adults autonomy all the time.#and this isn't to say that ageism is one to one with any of these forms of oppression but that I don't think it's a coincidence that the#comparison to children is such a key justification in each of them.#controlling children is acceptable. children are embarrassing inept ignorant worthy of contempt#my home state is the nexus of a still-growing political movement advocating for parents having complete ownership of their children!#call me an anarchist but I don't think there's any ethical way for one person to have absolute authority over another no matter their age
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Went and watched 54 just now and I'm incorporating that into my hcs for Michael. Maybe he could be a bartender at a high end club as his secondary job, or maybe that was his first job and also how he got addicted to the stronger stuff. Leaning more towards the first one because he could theoretically hear a lot more and have more opportunities to gather information for Matthews. Idk can someone be clinical about him with me pretty please
#lowkey 54 was good im just mad i got tricked into watching a h*rvey w*inste*n film#more screen time for my boy romeo i loved him#gay as hell name though i bet youre the romeo to somebodys julian huh#in 54 theres clearly a casting choice to have all the male bartenders look alike (to the point i could hardly tell some of them apart)#which shows how controlling rubell or whatever his name was over his club down to what his bartenders look like#theres a scene in which the main character asks him if he can add his friends to the list and all he says is “do they look like you?”#idk maybe im reading too much into it#anyways back to michael#clearly hes conventionally attractive by 90s standards which would prob be why he had gotten that bartending job to begin with#which would make people more willing to talk to him because hes a pretty guy#which is good for an informant because he needs people who talk and who let him into their crime ring#i do think he sneaks daniel in sometimes btw#just for funzies#hes the cool older brother who has no idea what hes doing is detrimental#i think there should be a prequel where its just about michael and daniel and their brotherhood#id write the fic but i dont want to#saw franchise#sawtism#saw movies#sawposting#saw#saw 2#michael marks#54#obligatory 54 tag
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hate when i see a youtube video that's like 'analyzing why [thing] is bad!' and you watch the video and they just say nothing for twenty minutes
#random thoughts#watched a video on why a specific character was poor representation for survivors of assault#and it was such a nothing burger of a video#'this character is bad because children might see them and think their behavior is okay' okay?#i learned how to block out memories from finn adventure time but that doesn't mean memory suppression shouldn't be addressed in media#plus hazbin hotel. i'm talking about angel dust btw if that wasn't blaringly obvious. is an adult cartoon. for adults#adult cartoons shouldn't have to restrict their subject matter because kids could see it#and angel dust being a male queer SA victim using hypersexuality as a coping mechanism could be good!#and the fact he hits on other people despite it making them uncomfortable isn't exactly a problem a la his character?#it could be a control thing. i used to do something similar (pushing other people's boundaries and complaining when they pushed back)#because it made me feel some kind of control over my life#it could start off as a really shitty joke and then grow into 'oh god is that why he does that??'#but anyway their second main point was that the songs were bad? and that poison being an upbeat song makes it bad#like despite listing many other songs which are upbeat with heavy lyrics. but somehow poison is the exception because it's a cartoon?#like again that could be a character thing. angel dust using obfuscation as a coping mechanism to distract himself from his shitty life.#。・゚゚・the lyrics are upbeat to distract you from how dead i feel inside・゚゚・。#and their reading of the second song seemed really mean-spirited?#like as 'everyone has problems so you're not special because you're a whiny baby' rather than 'you're not as alone as you think you are'#and like if op wanted to just complain about a show they watched then yeah go off i do that all the time#but don't parade it as character analysis???#and they say 'oh reading it as a feelgood you're not alone message doesn't work because these characters' struggles are not equal'#but like. sometimes rape needs to feel like it's not some special trauma. it's not unique and you're not uniquely fucked up for it#two characters' traumas don't need to be directly comparable for them to bond!!!#and im not like. defending hazbin hotel btw. never seen it not going to see it no thanks#i'm just complaining about a mediocre youtube video that i'm going to forget about in a week#god i hate that brand of youtube video. where they just complain about things without going into depth about why they're bad#especially if their complaints are shallow and don't have to do with like. the actual structure of a character or story#like it's so easy to say 'this character is bad because theyre a predatory stereotype' but like. go into some depth at least#i think i hate these videos so much because they're fueled purely by hate. no love for the source material or even a desire to learn#or a love for storytelling even
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oh yeah no i'm aware of the point of this au being that their personalities are more or less the same, just the roles they place in the story. i just forgot the word 'redeemed' and was unsure how to word it without it being to clutter-y. i usually try not to swarm inboxes with my ramblings😅
this point is actually what fascinates me in your au so much! like, it gives so much room to play around with, yet still stays true to the show :) IT'S SUCH A GOOD AU!!
(also nooo😭😭😭 touch grass was not aimed at you, i was just repeating what i saw in your post-reply to me. like, hater saying this to sylvia. im sorry for being unclear)
and yay! thanks so much! i'm swamped w work/projects atm so i'm like. UNSURE. when the promised art will happen. but it will.
/stares at the unedited 5k beast abt deprogramming swap!dominator/ i'm talking abt YOU SPECIFICALLY.
the thing abt fears is what makes this wander so fascinating to me. cults lowkey freak me out + the forced "must never move bc ITS BETTER FOR EVERYONE THAT WAY" oof. a lot of potential.
anyway, hope you're having a day! sometimes just a day is enough. though good is preferred obv
ohhh i apologize i got a little confused!!! you can ramble as much as you need to it's no big deal to me. i'll read it! i am notoriously The Rambler, and i like to hear what people think about the things i make!!!
if i'm understanding right now, you are/were asking how wander gets redeemed, or how it would go down when he does (sorry if that's still not really your question)? because i have plans i cannot share with you lest my enemies (the creatures in my brain that keep me from actively doing anything) try to strike me down... but the event would be ermmm Power of friendship, to be as vague as possible, and it would have to do with the strength of the bond between meteor and peepers and esp the bond between sylvia and wander..... i want to say more but i cant without spoiling what im cooking......
and thank you very much!!! believe me i get being ultra busy (i am also ultra busy, i'm just an expert procrastinator and i hate getting off my ass to do things) and i do not Slash will never expect anything of anybody!!! pls do it on your own time and have fun with it if you do end up doing it. no worries whatsoever if you don't. i'm forever psyched to see what you come up with, and also, do not let that be the pressure that breaks it for you!! theres no pressure at all :)
(also deprogramming dominator fic thats so FUN !!!! thats so fun)
i hope you also have a good day!! i've been having a decent weekend myself
#ask#swap au#txt#wall of text#au thesis is friendship is magic. much like the show#im trying to keep the tone like. at least a little consistent with the show itself?? bc i dont want it to fall into the creepypasta pit#but also the themes ive chosen are inherently very sad slash fucked up. which is fun to write about and totally possible to keep lightheart#but it's still difficult because fanfiction brain says put them in situations that will scar them forever and ever#and adult brain says nay. do not do this. remember that wander over yonder is a show about happiness and kindness and love#and then horror movie fan brain says what if the walls looked like MEAT and i have to beat that part of myself back with a sharp stick#no fry the show about friendly aliens having fun and hugging each other does not need a body horror element#like ig dominator's control room has that big brain thing going on which is objectively tight as fuck but it's subtle and also rainbows#which means it's tasteful and makes sense in context. a lot of the one off ideas i come up with are overcomplicated and way too scary#anyWAYYYYYy
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Old Flesh + The Parliament is conservatism.
I said what I said and I’m not taking it back.
#awful hospital#text post#shitpost#okay but—#a group of people who want everything to go back to the way it was and try to kill (literally) and erase any chance#I have to believe it was intentional#Jay is a truly wonderfully written and despicable villain because not only is he literally evil through killing and verbal abuse#he’s FIGURATIVELY EVIL in the CONTEXT OF THE THEMING because he SEES and is FULLY AWARE OF the injustices of the Hospital and its treatment#but instead of mobilizing that rage he has to make a change he says fuck it there’s nothing I can do and feeds into that corruption +#actively perpetuates it for his own gain and purposes#HE is a BIG PART of why the Hospital is failing by killing patients#it’s not just apathy it’s weaponized spite for all the wrong reasons#he’s an oppressed minority (a human in the Hospital) who grifts off all the fear and uncertainty#to get what he wants#crash is an apathetic and centrist youth who was radicalized by Fern showing him change could be made#but it was already too late#he felt isolated by all the people in change being blind to injustice and that led him to become being disillusioned#Jay and crash show that while being apathetic and refusing to take a stance even when you see injustice isn’t seen as causing as much#direct physical harm as grifting off misfortune it’s still equally as damaging#crash says I can’t fix it so I won’t do anything#while jay says I can’t fix it so who cares if I make it worse as long as I’m getting mine#I should at least get something from this since I’m suffering from it right?#but they ARE also very much sides of the same coin in a more direct way because they both make people suffer for their own gain#crash is doing it for a sense of petty amusement and Jay is doing it because he needs to have control#and power over SOMETHING by putting others down even if he’s also#doing it for amusement#he’s scared and pathetic which has made a control freak#again jay is a fucking minority grifter who asserts power over those who are also less#fortunate to affirm to himself that he’s one of the good and superior ones#crash just wants to have fun and make the best of it even if that’s at the expense of others
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i love that my therapist was like . “bitch, lie more”
#i give way too much access to myself to people who don't respect it#and i need to be more protective of my time and energy and vulnerability.#she’s like. if you get a phone call you don’t wanna answer. if you’re in a conversation you don’t wanna continue to be in. LIE.#say you need to go cuz you have plans. pretend you’re in the middle of something. fake an incoming phone call.#if you need to spend an entire day in bed and someone thinks that means you’re available. say you’re running errands all day instead!#if you don’t want to answer a question. you actually have to go pee really bad all of a sudden!#the autism makes this so so so hard for me. i do not think well on my feet. but i need to like.#pre-load some of these excuses into my vocabulary and my toolbox.#cuz my mom & my stepmom both run me the fuck over if given more than very controlled allotted access to me.#and i cannot keep living like that.#izzy.txt
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sometimes i do feel talon should have a really exaggerated cartoon villain voice but other times im like what if he sounds like cornfed from duckman (but with an accent)
#i guess this IS similar to someone saying they imagined him sounding adjacent to scar from the lion king#though neither are quite there for me still#i imagine a mostly monotonous voice...but also more gravely; coated; rasping...#he's always fatigued + mostly always starved so its like...a weighed down voice too#i dont think it would be deeper than examples but on some level these voices also sound too Alive and Bright#unrelated to voice claim searches but i think he'd have good control over it too like he did have to be able to put on a brighter more#emotive and soothing voice for a good chunk of his life#i always have to look back at the flashing ''THIS IS A MALE MANIPULATOR'' signage over his head#monotonous at rest but can very quickly put the act on#[actual just character rambling now] the talon of today can't be assed to do this as much i feel; but it does still slip out sometimes if#its needed#the current day gravelly voice is due to the age and his constant weakened condition but also maybe due to that overuse and strain#talkys
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omg hold on i just realized something!!!
the Blackbeak Matron is the ONLY one who knew about Manon's bloodline, like-- Manon is an actual fucking queen by birthright and the Matron is the only person who knew it because Manon never learned about this.
so remember when Asterin was telling Manon what happened to her with her hunter and witchling? The Matron warned Vesta and Sorrel not to bring it up to Manon or there will be dire consequences.
Now hear me out: Manon fucking loves Asterin. If she knew what her grandmother had done, she would have probably done something like take the Thirteen and just leave or something like that.
We all know how the Matron loved threatening Manon that she'd replace her, but while it worked on Manon, her grandmother never really intended to do that.
It's the same reason why she wanted Vesta and Sorrel to remain quiet: she has a literal fucking queen at her beck and call. Manon is ready to do anything for her grandmother just to get some praise, and the Matron isn't going to let go of that. It's why she needed Manon loyal to her (through fear because Manon didn't really trust her but she fears what she'd do)
So at the end of the day, the Matron was after more power. She kept Manon by her side through unorthodox tactics because she loved having so much control over her. And also because of Manon's royal blood, she can have so much.
I think it's also why she wasn't fully against Erawan showing interest in Manon. Because with that union, she will reign supreme.
It's just-- the way she played Manon for her whole life for no other reason than being a shitty person is what irks me the most. She literally used everything that is Manon and twisted it, turning it into something ugly.
I'm sorry but when Manon just killed Rhiannon without even questioning it? Just blindly obeying her grandmother because it's what she's been conditioned to do???
Later on, we see Manon really struggling between doing what is right and doing exactly what her grandmother wants even when she doesn't agree with it. Every time, her grandmother wins (until the part where she was about to execute Asterin) and I honestly think that the Matron was happy with how she has the actual Queen of Witches under her command.
#booklr#books and reading#throne of glass#manon blackbeak#tog#asterin blackbeak#empire of storms#kingdom of ash#queen of shadows#spoilers#hello i was just talking to myself about manon and I suddenly realized this???#the matron fucking orchestrated the whole thing#starting by killing her daughter and unleashing hell on her granddaughter#it's why she hates asterin#because she's probably the only person who can have power over manon#because manon actually loves her#and this whole thing irks the matron because she's anti feelings and she hates how despite all she did manon was still capable of loving#asterin (although she's terrible at showing this love but asterin bless her knows and she loves manon just the same)#anyway is there is a limit to how evil this woman is? probably not#she hurt manon so deeply-- starting with killing her parents then making her kill her sister without her even knowing it#constantly using asterin and the thirteen against her??#saying and doing everything that she said and done???#and my poor manon endured this for over a century like don't you get tired of this bullshit??? leave the girl alone for a change???#but no she she needed to torment her like this because that was how she controlled her#she's all about power and control and will stop at NOTHING to achieve this#this is why i say that manon is emotionally fragile#she's not aware of it because she never was allowed to feel it let alone name it and (god forbid) express it. like underneath it all she ha#so much hidden deep inside. i also feel like yrene will be the one to help her navigate those emotions and just... acknowledge them and#actually feel them. but this won't be easy at all because for over a hundred years it was drilled into her that this display is forbidden s#when those feelings come to the surface she'd try to push them down because it's a trauma response. she was never safe to feel or express
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what do you think mulder thinks of diana fowley after biogenesis through amor fati? i don't think we really see anything on screen/in text (though i think it says a lot that he didn't have much of a reaction when scully came to his apartment & instead focuses on scully & their relationship lol)
yeah there’s basically NOTHING in the text but tbh i think finding out for certain that she was working with CSM really kindaaaa snapped him out of some things…mulder doesn’t give a fuck what people do to him, obviously, but it’s a different thing entirely to find out that your ex is involved in something like that. like there are MILES from “my partner makes me feel like shit and is maybe pretty abusive” and “my partner is like 3rd on the call list of a eugenics group that treats women like test subjects”
like, scully was right, diana was monitoring MUFON women and collecting data on them. she was heading up the tests on cassandra. she probably knew the truth about samantha the whole time. just nasty nasty shit.
she’s the villain in the amor fati dream: the dismissive symbol of abandonment that offers another path.
one of the most interesting scenes of diana’s character to me, is in the sixth extinction, when she comes to see mulder in the hospital. and she knows what the effects of the artifact are, that he can hear what she’s thinking. that, therefore, he knows who she works for and what she’s doing. (imagine your ex-husband/wannabe boyfriend/obsession finds out you’re lying to him because he can read your mind….shit is crazy!)
and she tells him that she knows he knows. but that he also knows that she loves him.
and she does love him. there’s no reason to lie about that then, she knows he would be able to tell.
scully knows it without hearing it, that’s how she gets diana to save mulder’s life, ultimately. she comes to her and begs. tells her to please just think of him, who he is, who he was when she met him, who he is now. in the end, because of scully weaponizing how diana feels, diana can’t go through with it. she gives her life to help him.
diana seems to be one of those influences on mulder that’s only really all that significant when she’s close by. it’s like how all the tension in the beginning builds up to him getting in her car when she tells him to, leaving scully, when diana is there instructing him.
i think being able to know who she truly was and her true intentions and allegiances, prior to her death, really goes a long way in the way he responds to losing her.
don’t get me wrong, i think he’s upset. you can kind of see the shock cross his face when scully tells him. but he stays focused on his goal, which is to express to scully how important she is to him, in the wake of how discarded diana always made her feel.
mulder loved diana and grieves that she was killed, he doesn’t have it in him not to, but mostly he…wanted something from her, right? he wanted that approval and “affection” and to please her. he wanted her to believe him. the first thing that she says to disarm him (in the end) when she can tell he’s uneasy, is, “hey. i’m on your side.”
learning who she really is, it’s easier not to crave her approval so badly.
(this is the crux of amor fati’s “last temptation.” it’s diana saying: you’re childish. you are going to fail. your path is not your own. “you have to let go, fox.” and it’s scully countering: we need you. this is who you are.)
(it’s why he responds in the end by telling scully that it’s her that’s the voice of truth.)
and then in death, diana’s not…there for him to want anything from!! so it’s like, again, yeah he obviously feels the loss, this was someone who meant a lot to him for over a decade. but also it’s likeeeeee freeing in a way? it makes things simpler in a way? (he’s able to communicate all of that to scully instantly after hearing diana is gone, after over a year of the tension hanging around it)
if you asked him about diana now, or even a year later, i think he’d be like…damn that’s crazy! 😭😭 mulder doesn’t have an awful lot of object permanence you guys sjdjsjfj
when scully comes to tell mulder that diana was killed, and he says to her, “you were my friend, and you told me the truth,” the language matters so much. that’s what scully called diana, “i know she was your friend,” and he turns it back onto her. you were my friend. you told me the truth.
in my opinion, it’s not that he doesn’t love and grieve diana, but that there’s a freedom in knowing the truth. knowing who someone is, and their intentions. knowing who has your best interest at heart. knowing where you stand in the world, what you want to do.
that’s really what allows for the openness and lightness of s7, in the wake of diana’s absence. mulder’s always seeking, always learning.
#in a lot of ways diana knows mulder sooo well#like her mannerisms and every little word and phrase are so carefully chosen#like that moment in ‘the end’ when she says she’s on his side and takes his hand#her VERY first line on the show is telling a room full of people that she thinks mulder is right. that she believes him.#something she continues to enforce when she needs to#i was just looking at ‘the beginning’ and the way that when he kinda doesn’t trust her after she took over the x-files#and they find her outside#she says ‘fox. i’m going to get out of the car. i’m alone. alright?’#like she communicates with him in a way where like….if she had good intentions it would be exactly how to help/calm him#but because she DOESNT it’s EXACTLY how to have him eating out of the palm of her hand#very interesting character very vile woman#anyway idk i think there’s something very ‘good for him!’ esque about how quickly he moves on from her 💀#i think he’s able to for all the reasons i cited here about knowing what she’s doing and who she is#but mulder is sooooo easily wrapped up in trying to please someone or trying to help someone and getting in a shit situation#and that controls so much of their lives for so long#and i was trying to think about it and i feel like diana’s death kinda is the last time that he’s so trapped in that!#he still does it on a smaller extent ofc but it’s less about the person more the situation after diana if i recall#asks#amor fati#diana
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