#nd people working through trauma

[lesbianslovebts]

When I was 22 or 23, I realized that I might be autistic and started doing some research. I read books written by autistic people, scrolled through the actuallyautistic tag on tumblr regularly, and took a dozen online tests. Everything pointed to the fact that I am autistic. For a while, I felt comfortable with self-diagnosis, at least until it became clear that I needed accommodations at work. I finally pursued an official diagnosis at 26, and the process took almost an entire year. I received the paperwork on December 6, 2022. The emotion I expected to feel was relief.

Instead, it was grief.

I grieved for the time wasted not knowing. I grieved for the child who struggled with traumas that still plague my mind and body. I grieved over all the missed opportunities in my life, opportunities to get help, to become independent. I grieved for my present state of affairs, the extreme isolation of leaving the house only for therapy or shopping. I grieved for the rest of my life, which will never be without autism.

As much as I am proud to be autistic, I am angry and sad and scared. So, so scared.

Note: This is okay to reblog. I would like to hear the thoughts and stories of other autistic people in the comments or tags. Allistic people (including allistic ND people) can reblog, too, but please don't add on.

[pix-writes]

Thank you so much for answering my question! You always give very thorough and thoughtful answers 🥹🥹 If you don't mind me asking, can I ask the same question about friendships (possible lovers later, just like with Stanley) but with Ford? Thank you so much again, I really love reading your analysis 🥹🙌🏻✨️!!

Aw thank you! ☺️

(answer under cut)

I think I've gone over a little bit about how Ford would be in the beginning of a friendship/relationship in this post. Mainly talking about how his flaws/past wound would hinder him forming relationships, generally.

Though I did mention that I think Ford would be easy to bond with, in terms of connecting over something intellectual or nerdy. If you're someone who is game to tag along on research or adventures and can lend a hand figuratively/physically, then your friendship will start to grow, as quality time is the best way to get to know him (he may be a hero/adventurer, but he's truly an introvert with introvert hobbies). Shared interests are something that seems very important to Ford, having been starved of a lot of affection and deeper connections in the past, especially since he found making friends in school/college; so as long as you share a few passions, he'll open up to you fairly quickly.

However, it will take him more time to form a romantic connection and for him to act on it, it will be very slow burn because firstly, he simply doesn't move fast in a relationship, or at least not as fast as modern dating seems to be, and second of all because he has a little insecurity over whether you're interested in him or not/should be interested in him. It takes Ford a little bit to be convinced you won't get your head turned by someone more 'suitable' in his mind. This is also in part to the trauma from Bill's manipulation and torture, whilst you may have only connected after bill was erased, it still brings up trust issues in him and he needs to feel he could trust a partner - as well as work through anxiety about putting you in potential danger (will be quite protective over you as a partner as a result of this).

Kindness will go a long way in securing his opinion of you as someone trustworthy, not only to him but Ford seeing you be kind to his family, your other friends, even to strangers or just plain altruistic in actions not just in words, means that he can trust that he has evidence to back up what he thinks of you and not fall into a similar trap like he did with bill.

Also will admire you for any show of bravery or doing what is right (especially if it's in a situation where it's against the odds, whether it's something dire or a situation where it would be easy to give into social pressures). He appreciates when people say what they mean and are direct with him, as he'll be the same with them (I'm neurodivergent and I hc Ford is too, so this may be specific to being ND, as it's confusing when neurotypical people talk in circles to me!)

Friendship with Ford would include:

watching nerdy TV/films together, whilst I think Ford has only passingly known of/shown interest in world events even before the portal incident, he still managed to have some semblance of interests/life outside of his research, it may arguably not have been a lot, but considering his interest in dnd (including the intergalactic versions) and how he wanted to drop everything to play it with dipper in that one episode, he is definitely interested in catching up on all the nerdy TV/films he's missed out on, cue watching LOTR, star wars, star trek etc. However his gaps in world events comes up as well at the most random of times, he didn't really ask much on what he's missed out in world news (it's not relevant to his work or so he thinks), which can be both hilarious and sad, as as his friend you have to catch him up or remind him (e.g. 'no sixer, the soviet union doesn't exist any more, remember?' 'oh yeah, there was a war in Afghanistan... What do you mean how did it start?!')

playing board games/video games, like I said above Ford is a long time player of ttrpgs and so you will be persuaded into playing some version of a DND campaign if you're not already into it. Ford's excellent at teaching the mechanics and actually pretty good at roleplay and DMing, he can't do many voices but his storytelling is masterful (he is an author after all, even if he wasn't writing fiction and has lots of past practice from college). Dives straight into 5e, learns it quickly and creates his own homebrew version in no time at all! If you introduce him to the concept of dnd shows, he becomes a critter for sure! Essek and Percy are his favourite characters in Critical Role. Hums the theme song sometimes when he's working in the lab. Dipper gets him into Minecraft and you together construct a large home base and underground lab in the game. A lot of these games can take a long time, definitely have stayed up till 3 or 4 am on a campaign more than once.

research in the lab together or out in the field and debating with Ford about all sorts of topics, including your current research projects and both of your hypotheses. You might not have the same skill set as him but he values a different perspective from his own, you help balance out his hyperfocus. Is protective of you if something might be dangerous, will want him to be the one that gets hit/hurt if anyone has to, though both of you have had to patch up the other.

Getting into debates: Ford loves a mental challenge, he doesn;t realise its good for him (consciously/not until post-weirdmageddon) but having someone who isn't afraid to challenge him or speak their mind with him helps to keep him grounded and for him to really pause and think about his theories/morals. It doesn't have to be too deep though, perhaps you simply disagree on something, this will turn into a full debate, but despite some thinking you're arguing, its more of a passionate conversation, you're both having fun. Plus its even more fun when Ford ends up agreeing with you (its rare but it boosts your ego when it does happen)

related to the adventures a little: expect Ford to praise you/your efforts, (reminds me a bit like the 9th doctor or Sherlock) will just be doing something or figuring out a code or puzzle he'll exclaim "fascinating!" Or brilliant/fantastic/excellent/good, sometimes he's not aware he's saying these hushed phrases! Or he'll follow it up with questions, eyes lit up from being energised in his work, like "fascinating! How did you reach that conclusion?" 🤓

catching him up on technology, he finds it difficult compared to the high tech stuff from other universes but I like to hc he would get over it eventually, he's not the most adept in terms of keeping up with internet culture but is when it comes to tinkering with technology and experimenting/improving it. Still likes to call people instead of text and will have regular phone calls with you if you or him are away from each other.l, eases his worries about you (he's protective and still has nightmares from time to time so he likes to hear your voice so he knows you're ok).

Spending quieter moments together, even if its just stargazing on the stan o war whilst stan fishes, if you're close friends, I can imagine Ford would like hugs, holding hands and on the odd occaision napping cuddled up together (platonically) - the naps happened by accident at first, however its nice and your adventures are exhausting sometimes, so you now get the weighted blanket for you to both lie under for an hour or two (Mabel definitely has a picture of you asleep on her phone because its adorable).

Ford hasn't driven for 30 yrs (well not a regular old car anyway) so you've definitely had to drive him places/collect him before because his attempts at driving are almost as reckless as Stan is behind the wheel 😬 on a boat though? He's the most trustworthy captain 🫡 meticulous on the safety checks, will boss you and stan about a little on what to do, but you know it's for good reason... most of the time

[ot3]

I mean this in entirely good faith, I promise, but I'd love to hear the "shortcomings" you think those shows have

she ra i mostly just found boring i don't think i could point to a single thing it did (out of what i watched, that is. i didn't finish the show) that i found to be an objectionable writing choice, but it just didn't do anything to keep my interest. which is a shame because i went into it REALLY excited!!! i had long been a fan of nimona so hearing that ND stevenson was getting the chance to make a cartoon i was SO prepared to be all over it. and i watched it and it all just fell pretty flat for me

steven universe and the owl house i feel like are shows with some pretty major structural issues. i really think they try to have their cake and eat it in terms of episodic moments vs overarching series narratives that are kind of at odds with each other.

with steven universe i feel like this manifested in some pretty bizarre tonal whiplash that prevented either of the shows angles from sticking its landing. i think if steven universe had either been an epic space opera about a kid inheriting his mother's war, it would have fucking banged. i think if steven universe had been a more slice-of-life oriented show about a boy coming of age by realizing he's sort of the living manifestation of the war trauma of the people around him and learning to navigate and help people heal from that through fantastical, alien super-powered twists on mundane life that would have banged in a completely different way. but as it stands i think trying to do both at the same time detracted from the overall experience.

it feels weird to have them fucking around at the barn when there is something that is going to literally hatch from the earth's crust like an egg and destroy the entire planet and theyre just ignoring it. it feels weird in a different way to have them visit an alien zoo full of human beings and know that the structure of the show means we will absolutely not be taking the time to fully unpack that one. for me this cognitive dissonance really reached its peak an episode where steven explicitly calls his mother a war criminal, but that was a throwaway line because the A plot was that lars, the guy who works at the donut shop, bakes as a hobby and is embarrassed by that. to be perfectly clear i don't think it's impossible to balance more mundane slice of life moments with big adventures to combat existential threats. but whatever that balance looks like is not what steven universe was doing

the owl house on the other hand i don't feel like was ever really willing to commit to a particular vibe long enough to get invested in it. it's trying to be a show about a girl who is a witch's apprentice, but that doesn't really feel quite fully realized because it's also trying to be a show about a Magic School, but we don't spend enough time at the Magic School to get invested in that setting as a framework for the character interactions and narrative events, but then it also starts trying to be this big adventure/questing show. and then before too long luz is the one teaching magic to everyone else? it refuses to really commit to any one thing it's trying and just kind of throws everything at you with out actually getting to spend time with its concepts

in general i also think luz was a weak protagonist. in terms of writing. i think she wasnt given enough meaningful flaws, didn't make enough mistakes, and didn't really have to learn any hard lessons or make decisions that fundamentally went against who she thought she was. her whole thing is basically being Nerdy and Kinda Weird which i think is kind of an outdated substitute for meaningful character writing in the current zeitgeist. im sure she is an absolutely fantastic power fantasy for a lot of 12 year old girls who consider reading books to be their main personality trait and i absolutely do not fault that for existing. i think that's a critical thing to exist and all those 12 year olds really deserve it. but it has no appeal to me as an adult woman who has grown out of that phase, yknow?

i feel like once again the comparison to akko from little witch academia invites itself very easily, and anne from amphibia too, which was also a disney teen girl isekai airing at the same time. i loved both of those two as protags a ton and i think its because they really fumbled repeatedly and went through the wringer in a way luz didn't

[thedawnwitch]

Why I Claim the Label "Witch" Even Though My Ancestors Would Disapprove

Please keep in mind that this decision is a part of my personal journey in my folk magic and ancestor veneration practice.

🌸 I am LGBTQIA+ and neurodivergent.

I'm the black sheep of my family. Historically, people like me would've been at risk for being suspected of witchcraft and ran out of town or worse. By calling myself a witch, I honor anyone in my ancestry who was also ND and LGBTQIA+. I carry their legacy by standing in my power.

🌸 I am not a Protestant Christian.

After receiving a lifetime of religious trauma being raised Church of Christ (Protestant Christian), I left the church in 2012. I've had to sift through my life during hours of therapy to find myself again. Calling myself a witch felt like I was finally in control of my own life again. The cost of giving up the label "witch" for something that made my ancestors happier was far too high. The most I'm willing to do for my ancestors at this time is learn how to use the magic of the Psalms.

🌸 "Healer" is a trigger word.

I have a negative association with this word, and I'm not sure what else to say about it! The title would be disempowering for me because of my religious trauma. I'm not a healer, white witch, good witch, etc. I am me, and I do the magic that serves my purpose. I have my own ethics within my practice.

🌸 I'm the main character of my own life, and I live it for me.

I live the way I want to, and if my ancestors want to work with me, then they have to accept who I am. Or at least be open-minded to learning about who I am and the reasoning behind my choices. If they are not willing, then they do not receive veneration, and I will not work with them. Simple as that!

Those are just a few reasons I call myself a "witch." :) It's important to set boundaries with any spirit you involve in your practice (especially early on when you're getting to know each other and building trust).

[kinardscake]

hi, sorry. i just wanted a place to rant and uh. this got away from me. feel free to ignore this! sending love to you and all my fellow bucktommies! <3

can i say this: "playing the field" is a bullshit argument. if you (general) had to experience Every Single Thing in life until you are "wise enough" to make choices and have commitments as a grown ass adult, none of these couples could be together. wdym athena didn't sleep with tons of women and trans people before choosing bobby? she cannot possibly know that she loves bobby, a person with a penis, because sHe HaSn'T pLaYeD tHe FiElD enough yet! because what if her "last" is actually not bobby? bobby could die tomorrow. it's not unlikely. athena doesn't know when he might die. bobby doesn't know when athena might die. they don't know if maybe some hurdle will break them someday. and still, we see them treat each other as "their lasts" and investing in their shared future. that is what humans do.

the fact of life is this: you have billions of human beings on this planet and thus plenty of options every day that you have to choose from. that also means that when you made that choice, your are aware that you forfeit the opportunity to get a different outcome. that goes for every single friendship, relationship, hookup, job offer, hobby, place to live, and so forth. realistically, none of us will ever have it all. that is not possible. buck is a firefighter and thus forfeits the opportunity to be a teacher or a zoologist. buck is living in his loft, thus forfeits the opportunity to buy a house. buck buys a couch, thus forfeits the opportunity to have a different one.

that is LIFE, baby.

if the 911 writers think that one must have lots of sex to know when one is in love, well! good news! buck did that already in season 1! buck went through multiple "updates" to learn what he wants. "love" is not suddenly a completely different and unknown concept to buck. he has loved before. he is loving people right now. he has lived through more things than any other person ever will in their lifetime. has experienced eye-opening trauma that clearly says that life is fucking short. and you tell me that after all this he just accepts that others tell him what he supposedly feels? nah fam. this is once again feeling like buck is just "going with the flow" because despite 7 seasons of development, he still seems to let others tell him what he thinks and feels and wants. i'm pretty sure he knows what he wants. buck told tommy that he thinks what he wants could be with tommy. he said it from the beginning. but then the show suddenly pulls a 180 and decided that, actually, buck is unwilling to put in any work.

bobby's first wife and mother of his children died, and nobody questions that his love for athena is real. eddie's wife and love of his life died, and everybody is still hoping he finds another great love after her. you can never know what happens in life, and none of that diminishes the fact that love is real and meaningful and worthy to fight for when you are feeling it! just like chimney went after maddie and pushed to support her despite maddie herself telling buck to not tell chim where she is (which buck respected and got punched for as a thanks). chim explicitly went against maddie's wishes because he knew this was a moment to fight for and support maddie.

just like the old tommy said: "you make it". and that's exactly it! buck has tons of options nd he could find "the one" in multiple people. until buck is dead, he will continue to have options. and it will be a continuous choice to stay in a committed relationship regardless of the other options that will always be there, no matter who he ends up with in the end. that is how life is. he could sleep with thousands of women and men and still be alone because sex with strangers is an investment into something "fun", yes, but not something that is a committed relationship. buck has learned that lesson in season 1. at some point in life, you either choose one person and put effort into that relationship, or you will never make any choice at all and thus never have any of "the ones" that you could have had.

buck can choose to invest his time in meaningless hookups. that is a valid choice to make. however, we know that buck was unhappy with that. why are they trying to reheat a 6-year-old moudly soup?

bucktommy is not even a "the one that got away" story for that reason. we know that both tommy and buck actually want commitment. they are literally on the same page. and instead of fucking committing, of intentionally choosing each other day after day after day, communicating about their insecurities and feelings and needs some more... they suddenly pull back completely? what the actual fuck is that logic? either you want to be in a committed in a relationship or not. make a choice. most people literally talk about that on the first date. making tommy pull back like that after 6 months is horrible, but making buck accept this without any pushback is frankly stupid. THAT would have been the moment to fucking fight for this relationship and point out that "yes, i could easily go fuck other people with different genitalia and guess what, i have been aware of that option existing this whole time but the point is that i INTENTIONALLY CHOOSE to be WITH YOU". but for some reason... nothing. poof. done.

and then i think back to red's story and how it affected buck tremendously... how red put his work first for decades and that he always regretted not investing more into his true love which he met when he was young... red did not choose the person he loved. he chose his job. he did not put in the effort to build a relationship, did not take any risk, and was thus had to live with the consequences of his own actions (living utterly alone after retiring because colleagues are not forever). and that is the thing: there will be what-ifs and consequences in all our lives. you can only be on one (1) path at a time. there will be chances missed. lives you maybe could have had. but this is not how real life works. so you either start making intentional choices and accepting the fact that all of life includes risk and potential heartbreak, or you will regret living as if you are paralyzed.

just. sorry. i didn't plan for my rant to be so long but i'm still so mad at this bullshit take that they gave to tommy of all people. i love tommy, he isn't at fault here. i love buck, he isn't at fault here. the writing in the last episode, however, is really making me fucking mad. it's so condescending and disrespectful to buck as a character but most importantly to bisexual/pansexual people. just because "there are more options" for bisexual people does not mean that the dilemma isn't the same for every human being. if you want love, you have to choose it. you have to work for it. you have to fight for it. you have to communicate what you want and need. you have to be a team with your partner to deal with hurdles together.

this has nothing to do with the size of the dating pool. it's about knowing what you want. all characters in a committed relationship, namely athena, bobby, chimney, maddie, hen, and karen, all have a big potential dating pool. they could all sleep around forever if they wanted. they could test every kink under the sun. however, they do not want to sleep around. it's as simple as that. and there is nothing wrong with you if you intentionally pass by certain opportunities. people know what they want. this is like men telling women that their life will never be "complete" if they don't have children of their own. like how fucking condescending is it to assume that you know what's best for another person when they are mature enough to form their own opinions?!

with how they have written buck for the past 7 seasons, it seemed like he wants commitment. this was established in the pilot episode. but if he just "accepts his fate" and sleep around now, no strings attached? well. okay. so what i am hearing is that either buck still does not know what he wants in life or that the past 7 seasons are a lie and actually his key to happiness is fucking strangers. either way, he has been stagnant for years in this endeavor.

buck and tommy could have easily fought for this to work. this was the perfect opportunity. but they didn't. and now i really think that they have truly lost the plot with buck's overarching storyline. very saddening.

You took the words right out of my mouth, Nonnie.

Sending you so much love as well, and, please, keep speaking your truth. 🫶

[gofishygo]

intro + masterlist + linktree

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hello !! my name is mito (he/him ftm) , age is 15-18, and i am the singular owner of this blog . I write fanfiction and doodle a little sometimes !!

i have autism and clinical depression , so please excuse if my behaviour appears off or if i have long periods of inactivity. outside of writing fanfiction nd poetry, i enjoy plants, figure skating, swimming and baking and will post abt them on occasion.

chi + malay live in aus, speak eng + 很差汉语

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view the specimen here !! (masterlist)

i currently write for cod mw and splatoon!! however, as i have not completed the call of duty games, i may lack some of the knowledge in lore or character. apologies if my depections seem off.

for splatoon, im generally ok writing for all ships (apart from underage/incest). however, i don't really want to write any splatoon/reader with romantic content- it feels a bit weird to me. this is reversed when writing for call of duty; i have a large bias in writing for cod/reader, and i dont plan to write for any ships in the fandom- however, i will pick them up on the occasion.

fem , masc and gn readers r ok !! i also write for trans characters and those with lgbtq identities. i aim to try keep the gender, race and appearance of the reader neutral in my works.

i am okay w writing gore or violence, and trying to handle heavier topics such as mental illness, trauma, crime etc. any writings will have explicit warnings for anything i believe could be potentially triggering for others.

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sorry, we don’t have those here !!

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[lem0nademouth]

here are my rwrb hcs no one asked for

- sub alex sub alex sub alex

- gentle dom henryyyyyy

- alex has mega body image issues

- henry’s unresolved sexual trauma. it’s technically canon but i think about it way more than cmq intended.

- june & evan get back together and get a soft epilogue where june is a journalist and evan is an environmental scientist

- aroace queen nora is the perpetual eccentric rich aunt who travels the world

- pez has HOES (gender neutral) they simply cannot be tied down

- bea marries an Irish dude named patrick and they have a lovely calm and quiet life together as musicians in galway <3

- pip & martha are actually adorable and pip is so in love w maz it makes him look stupid

- martha and alex become besties and patrick eventually joins them and they all gossip abt dating the fox kids

- henry doesn’t abdicate or renounce his title but instead does what prince harry did (no longer a working royal and does not formally use “hrh”)

- alex and henry name their kids morgan and percy after morgan le fay (kinng arthur’s sister) and percival (knight of the round table, og hero in the search for the holy grail)

- full names are Princess Morgan Magdalena Victoria Claremont-Diaz-Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor and Prince Percival Raúl James Claremont-Diaz-Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor

- june is demi/ace/somewhere in that zone and when people ask if she’s queer/what her sexuality is the answer is “evan” bc he’s the only person she’s ever wanted to be with

- nora is aroace and likes to fuck. not taking questions at this time.

- alex and henry’s house is ND friendly in so many ways

- alex finds a stray cat one day on a run and brings her home. she and david become besties. her name is dolly (as in parton)

- pip goes to therapy and gets his shit together but also bea and henry realize he also suffered when arthur died just in different ways and support him while he works through the effects of being parentified and abused by mary

- henry has weird british sex shame change my mind (you can’t)

- alex has similar sex shame but its more being loud/expressive/experiencing pleasure and showing it due to ADHD trauma

- like it takes a WHILE for henry to get him comfortable enough to not hold back sounds and movements

there’s more where that came from lol

[bisexualfagdyke]

What do you think jeanee dynamic would be like in a world where jean wasn't sold to the moriyamas? Idc that they probably never would have met but i care if u think their dynamic would be different if he was significantly less traumatized (totally not an overcomplicated ploy to fish for fluffy trauma-free jeanee headcanons)

WELL. Firstly this will probably be romantic in nature bcuz I am simply a girlie who loves bi4bi jeanee and I know u dont ship them but YKNOW!!!

Hmm. This is not something I've ever thought about, honestly. There's just soooo many things to consider. Would he go to school, make friends there? What would his life look like? His trauma from the raven's has probably fundamentally shaped a large portion of his personality because of how severe and constant it was. It's so genuinely hard for me to consider what he would be like as a person if he was never sold to the Moriyama's.

But I can just ALWAYS see him being a gentle person, and I can see him working well with Renee no matter the circumstances. If she had met him when things weren't how they were in canon, if he didn't have so so much to work through, I can imagine them having a very simple and easy romantic relationship. I can see them having such a peaceful, beautiful life together. But it's also like, I do believe he latched onto Renee and fell for her partly because she was one of the first people to show him care and kindness.... she literally saved his LIFE and that shapes a lot of their relationship, shapes how important she is to Jean. And I think Renee understands people like Jean and Andrew specifically because of what all of them have gone through. She understands misunderstood people who struggle with trauma and mental health problems.

Regardless, I would give anything for Elodie to be alive and to see Jean grow up with her. I imagine Renee would get along so well with Elodie too :,) and she would totally admire how gentle and loving Jean is towards his sister. And Elodie would ADORE Renee for sure. Imagine Jean and Renee just being "best friends" at the start, but Elodie pestering Jean to make a move on Renee bcuz she loves Renee so much and wants Renee to be part of their family.

I can also see Jean just being such a WifeGuy. Like absolutely obsessed w his beautiful gf wifey Renee. Like totally cooking beautiful meals for her, over-the-top romantic ass date nights, buying her gifts constantly, and just being sooooo smitten over her and so in love and malewife. Where's that one meme of that guy on ambien reddit like "my wife is soft nd I liek her" THAT IS LITERALLY JEAN ABT RENEE BUT instead its like "my wife is so Strong and she could beat me up and Kill me in a fight. I lov e her :)" . Also Renee big spoon btw if u even care. Jean is literally her soggy little cat . Also like.... they could soooooooo be transfem4transfem in my eyes?!? Trasfem bi butch Jean, transfem bi futch Renee 🤝 they're like bisexual yuri

[paraliveimaginesblog]

!!! your writing is soo adorable omg !!! if its not too much do you mind writing watching either horror or romance movies w/ dongha, kenta, and hajun !! tysm nd i appreciate your works sm !!

(this was a cute message thank u so much!! I'm glad you enjoy my writing dear~)

Dongha Yeon:

Dongha thinks love without stipulation is silly. He wanted to watch movies that just had romance as a background, or not at all, but since that’s not what you wanted he had to find at least something to satisfy you. He thinks some of the more upscale romances, ones where the characters aren’t throwing themselves at each other but slowly build up into the types of people who are so close they’ll undeniably support each other whether they’re dating or not, are more tolerable but they’re certainly not a preference.

He always enjoyed watching other people suffering more than him, but horror still isn’t a preference. He’d like films that had a little more ‘what ifs’ to them, mostly because it’s what’s expected of him, to like movies that made him use his brain. But Dongha wanted some thoughtless fun too, maybe something that was a silly little slasher so he could watch foolish teens without feeling guilty because they had it coming. You can see the quiet contemplation in his eyes when he watches horrors, how he winced when there were killers whose background consisted of an abusive family, but rather than bring it up you tried to soothingly stroke the back of his hand with your thumb, pretending you needed the comforting instead.

Hajun Yeon:

Hajun is a man with unfiltered opinions so you’re wary about bringing favorite movies of any kind in front of him. Romance seems to get the harsher of the two, especially when there are big betrayals that are tied up by the end; when they leave a trillion loose ends, Hajun can’t help but wonder aloud how they can truly trust each other after that. He also rather there be an exciting plot to surround the romance, nothing too ‘slice of life’ as it wasn’t interesting to watch the life he was living. You would take offense but you can tell when he makes certain comments he’s trying to get a rise out of you, but it’s not the only time he speaks up. He seemed to be paying close attention to the actions of the leads, seeing the kinds of things you liked and thought were cute to jot down for later.

Horror is a genre Hajun seemed to enjoy a little more. He might not say they were his favorite but you can see the amusement in his eyes at seeing stupid people suffering for their decisions, especially when the bad guy ultimately wins in the end. He tells you that it feels more realistic but when there were main characters who went through nothing but trauma, good people who confronted the bad things they had done, who end up winning in the end despite what the film might foreshadow… He’d breathe a notable sigh of relief. You don’t tease him for this but you do put your head on his shoulder, trying to keep yourself still so he can’t tell that you’re giggling at his investment.

Kenta Mikoshiba:

Some horror movies make Kenta a little jumpier than others. Living his life in a locked down home, or even just in his regular cell at the prison, made it so he felt at least safely contained. But watching a supernatural movie where steel bars won’t protect him, nor will his beefy roommates, makes him a little on edge. He acted tough and when there were movies with cool killers with a schtick he always got a laugh, but anything that digs deep beneath the surface makes him antsy. You think he’s cute when he inched a little closer to you when you watched them together, though he always pretended it was for your sake (and you let him, since you were still getting prime hand-holding time with him).

Romance movies make Kenta roll his eyes. He’s filled with all kinds of criticisms for every conflict that comes up, mentioning that love made people stupid and he couldn’t stand it (ignoring the irony of the situation since he was watching said moves with you). You didn’t take much of his opinions to heart because it was clear he held up a wall when you watched them together, and you wondered how he’d feel if he watched one when it was just him. You can see him getting invested when there’s a star-crossed lovers type of situation, and he looked even more miserable if the romance was one that included distance as the stories main obstacle to overcome.

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

So, here are two dilemmas I'm working with at the moment in regards to relationships:

- I hate being interrupted. Like it really drives me up the wall. It's hard enough to get my thoughts out and it's even harder when I feel like I'm on a time limit before I'm interrupted and lose my train of thought. If I have a better chance at relationships with ND folks and a majority of them have a problem with interruptions, what do I do? If you say "Just say 'hold on, I wasn't done', that brings me to my second dilemma.

- Unless I am absolutely pissed the fuck off, standing up for myself in real time is basically impossible. Trauma has beaten it out of me that I shouldn't take up space, I shouldn't stand up for myself, I shouldn't say what I wanna talk about, I should just let people talk and if they don't ask, they're not interested. Like if I told my mother "Let me speak, I wasn't done" she would have killed me. And every interaction where assertion is needed feels like those consequences are still hanging over my head.

So do I push through and just say what I need in relationships? How much pushing is too much before it's an uphill battle? How many times do I have to do that before it's easier? Why is the onus always on me to demand to be seen and not responsibility of the other to provide space for me like I do for them? How much energy can I reserve when I'm already pushing against so much force just trying to survive? Do I find/stick with ND's who are way more naturally agreeable and accommodating for that space and avoid situations where I really have to fight to be seen?

I know what I want my relationships to look like, but I don't know how to communicate that when getting to know a person and specifically lay out what that would look like in that instance.

Give me your thoughts, I'm struggling with this one here.

[leafmint-does-a-meow]

We’re mutuals now which means I’m allowed to be autistic on main <3 You are ABSOLUTELY right in your interpretation of Jekyll, in my opinion. He is trying So Hard to be neurotypical in a world where there isn’t even a word for that, there’s just ‘normal’ and ‘male hysteria’, and I see myself in this poor sad man.

Also, your depiction of the withholding of food to punish a naughty child? And the way Jekyll knows that, as an adult, he puts too much stock in food and drink? The fact that he has enough education to recognize a trauma response but can’t help the fact he’s doing it? The peak of cinema.

Do you think Jekyll ever did, or considered self harm? I have my own thoughts on the matter, but I’d love to hear what you think!

nah man, you always LEAD with being autistic on main! That's how you find all the other people who are deranged absolutely normal about the same stuff you are!

ugh, yeah, I was diagnosed at 17 so I had already gone through school and puberty wondering What Was Wrong With Me. The world isn't built for ND people, even today. It was even worse in the 19th century...

So fun fact! Well...not really fun, but that was a totally accepted thing that the upper class did with their kids. They believed that too much rich food would create immorality in their children when they reached adulthood and it was very common for food to be withheld as punishment. I bought historian Ruth Goodman's book How To Be A Victorian for fic research (Ruth my beloved) and there was a whole chapter that went into depth about food and nutrition.

'While hunger was at its cruellest among the poor, it sent its tendrils winding around the lives of the more wealthy too... Requests for more food were met with pious lectures about carnal desires and pampering to greed... The self-control and self-denial induced by hunger were thought to teach enduring habits of self-sacrifice and to aid in fashioning a more moral individual.'

I really recommend her book and documentaries if you want to learn more about the 19th century :)

Jekyll probably knows something isn't right, but with the lack of education or even acceptance of the mere existence of mental illness and trauma, he's probably been told his whole life to 'just get on with it', essentially. Poor bub.

Oof, yeah, I mean he definitely has had some dark days. Again, with the lack of knowledge in regards to mental health, he would be inclined to just force himself through it and on to the other side.

In my fic I wrote: 'There were days where his thoughts seemed to eat him alive, where the relentless pounding of his own heart would cause chest pains and exhaustion. It was on these days that dark thoughts would begin to surface, and he would throw himself into his work to evade them.'

The work proves a valuable distraction, until of course he begins to turn it into a process of finding a 'cure' for himself. Just as well he got away to the country when he did, I suppose.

Thanks for the ask! <3

[manifestingkai]

Manifesting as an ND person through trauma, intrusive thoughts + survival mode behaviours.

*Disclaimer: I do work in mental health + have it, but I am not a doctor and none of my content should replace health related advice/matters. If you’re in need of emergency or crisis support, please reach out to a trusted loved one or your healthcare team.*

You are not your trauma. You did not manifest your trauma. You are not responsible for your trauma (though you are the creator of your healing, however that looks for you). You do not have to revise your trauma or mental health issues away. This is a hill I will die on.

You are perfect as you are right now. You are whole, complete and capable right now. You can manifest. The law can, does and will work for you. Your best is good enough and you are not an exception to LOA. You are valid, seen, worthy and deserving just as you are.

The law of assumption is so unique in the sense that there are no rules besides the ones we create for ourselves. It’s the coolest and for some the most challenging part of the whole thing - add in the layer of being ND and it becomes a little more dynamic, esp at the beginning.

Yes, if you can think of it and desire it you can manifest it. Your subconscious mind is limitless. This is mind blowing information the first time we hear it and sometimes it takes a little while to fully wrap our heads around it, that is completely common and okay.

Many of us have been conditioned to think and view ourselves, others and the world around us a certain way: for me and many others this was taught in a very survival-based, often negative way.

Examples: can’t have everything you want, life is hard, you can’t always win

The learning that none of that is true can feel staggering, too good to be true. But it is true. You’ll see it for yourself if you haven’t begun to already. As an ND person sometimes this learning comes with its own unique set of thoughts and questions. That’s okay too.

Your brain’s primary function is to keep you safe and alive. It will do everything and anything it needs to in order to meet that need for survival and safety.

When you experience a trauma or ongoing trauma, your brain learns to perceive situations + things as safe or unsafe.

Without getting to much into the science/psychology of it (bc I will link threads at the end), your brain works so hard to keep you safe that it may perceive danger even when it is not there in an attempt to keep you safe. Very common in trauma survivors.

People who experience trauma often live in survival mode. Often hyper-vigilant, in a state of moving from one day to the next with the focus being on getting through one day to the next, keeping safe, protecting themselves. It can be hard to see past surviving for some.

So finding LOA and learning that the circumstances you’re in or the things that have happened to you don’t define you and don’t have to be your future can be overwhelming. When I first found out I wept and grieved and celebrated all at once.

I recognize that you may still be experiencing trauma and your 3D world may not feel safe to you. I’ve been there too. In the moments when living in the end felt too much or impossible, I remind myself that it’s changing. That i’m going to be safe. That my life matters. Yours does too.

Manifesting starts and ends with you in your mind. For those of us who experience intrusive thoughts that can feel scary, too. You are not your intrusive thoughts. You don’t have to spend all day beating yourself up when you have one, you are human and it happens.

It is perfectly okay to allow the thoughts to pass if jumping on it to flip it causes you to spiral into it or causes 15 more. What works for you might be a bit different than what others do and that is okay, your experience is unique to you.

You create new stories in your mind (4D) but you do still have to navigate living in your physical world (3D). If you take nothing else from this, please take that you do not need to neglect yourself or your mental health to manifest. Taking care of you comes first.

You do not have to lock yourself in a room all day and affirm, you do not have to repeat the same 2 sentences for 12 hours straight until you’re burned out and exhausted. The fun in manifesting is exploring what works and feels good for you.

This can be done through techniques: SATs, scripting, visualizing, subliminals, affirmation tapes, lullaby method. There are so many. Explore it, see what feels good for you.

If you’ve experienced trauma, it can be scary and difficult to accept this at first and I encourage you to take things at your own pace. You can start with something like seeing lime green cars, you can test it out, you can have questions. You are supported and you’ve got this. You can trust yourself and you have all of the power. 💕

Source: my thread on Twitter // additional resources here

[coeluvr]

Hello dearest!

I don't usually write messages because I have weird, shy internet anxiety, but I wanted to make an exception because compliments always motivate me to keep writing and I need u to keep writing so I can finally h*ld Vincent's h*nd!!! 😔😭🤡

This is one of the few IFs where I actually want to romance all ROs!!! Usually, I have a few I really want to romance and the rest I slog through cause completionist tendencies. But you've done a wonderful job of not only making the characters feel very alive and dynamic but also making them all appealing and attractive.

I usually always want to romance the hater because pettiness fuels me but also love angst with a kill them with kindness mc (I WILL H*LD VINCENTS H*ND OR DIE FIGHTING GOD). So, confirmed Vincent-mancer. His art? HIS EYES. HIS LIPS. PRETTY PRIVELEGE IS REAL AND ALL CRIMES ARE EXCUSED (also I really tried going into it being like he's not sad!!! But, as someone who's been in that place, while not an actual war, he definitely comes across as sad in the sense of a weariness at life and that he's struggling to fit back into his skin as pre-trauma Vincent. Artist did a 10/10 job with all the art because THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL I CREYYYY)

But the chokehold Hunter has on me? They were gonna be first because their personality is appealing to me both fictional and irl but omg everything I read I HAVE TO HAVE MORE. Like it's moved beyond I'd definitely vibe with this character and look forward to their route to i WANT TO SMOOCH THEIR PRETTY FACE OFF. So now confirmed Hunter-mancer (I actually died on the tattoo snippet on patreon is it a good or bad day to be bi?)

Helios kind of types I'm more of a 50/50 with, but obviously gotta do it for the juicy drama. But all stuff with him has just been so ??!!!???😳😳🫠 like he just leaves me more intrigued. Confirmed Helios-mancer. (The amount of times I'm gonna replay his route to try different things is actually gonna be crazy)

Soarine hot women nuff said. But also just ???!!!?!? I can't even form words. I'm so excited for more scenes with her. Confirmed Soarine-mancer. (Ma'am pls step on me respectfully and not so respectfully)

Fadiya as the official best friend (Hunter you're a bestie too but I feel bad like I'm making u choose between me and Helios :((( ) is usually one I'd keep strictly platonic. I love platonic routes as much as romance and nothing grabs me more than having a best friend character in IFs. BUT SHES SO ADORABLE. I WANNA SMOOSH HER CHEEKS. Also I feel her cause I'm that oblivious too 😭😭😭 I always appreciate ifs having the shy and bold type flirting but I need an oblivious idiot one because I'd be accidentally flirting with her like I do with all my friends without realizing I'm in love with her (and then be unable to speak to her once I realize because flirting? With people that aren't just platonic friends??? That I have feelings for????? Sounds fake). I gotta write the fanfic now (and perhaps share with u once I get over my shyness)

I really am looking forward to the next chapter! I'm so glad I subscribed on patreon too :))) keep up the good work (it also motivates me to cure my depression and post my stuff too)

💙💙💙💙💙

This is so sweet, anon 🥺 Thank you for sending me this message!!

I'm so glad all of the ROs are appealing to you! I love them all so much they're all beautiful and have so much to their stories. 🥰

Vincent's pretty privilege is insane lmao so many people folded when they saw him 😭 I guess Vincent's inner sadness seeped through because he's really okay #trust but then I probably have a wildly different definition of okay haha very low standards of living over here. He was also never trauma free lol my man just going through it. 🤭

I understand your love for Hunter!! They are just very... very. The tattoo part is one of my favs too they're so smooth with it like okay you're popular with everyone we get it 🙄 *cries to sleep*

Helios is super interesting to me because of the way he handles things and his mindset like I need to study him under a microscope. His route will definitely fulfill all your desires for drama! 🥳

Soarine hot woman. Real. She can ruin my life any day.

Fadiya is perfection and a gift from the gods because she's just so 🥹🥹 I love her to bits and she's going to be so fun to write.

Thank you for your kind words! I love these kind of messages so you're right hehe. Definitely gave me a boost! 💗

[ndcultureis]

tw: bullying, swears

ND culture is people (dumbasses) thinking you have low empathy just because you aren't taking shit from people who are mean to you (and no other way of trying to get them to stop has worked so I'm resorting to being mean back)

I empathize heavily with other NDs or people who went through the same kind of trauma as me or worse and I empathize heavily with people I care about, I have high empathy (low/no empathy people are amazing and cool tho!!)

But if that person is someone I hate (which I only hate people who are mean to me btw) then it's very hard to care about me doing something 1000000x less bad than what they're doing to me

Wdym I should show them empathy and compassion and stop tapping my desk? They're being a bitch to me, not listening to reason, refusing to believe any of us fighting constantly could be their fault, and also blames me for everything and yells at me constantly. Why would I care about what they hypothetically possibly could be going through or what little thing annoys them, they're literally screaming in my face every day. Why should I care about how me tapping on my desk annoys them? Good. Let them be annoyed. Only form of vengeance I get

Wdym I shouldn't purposefully trip this person? They're verbally bullying me, being horrible to me, and like the last straw for my mental health, why should I care if they get a little booboo from me tripping them?? They literally (without knowing but still with bad intentions) implied they wouldn't care if I died. They're making me hate every day of my life here. And nobody has done anything to stop them from bullying me no matter how many times I tell staff. Let me trip them once. Let me do ONE SMALL [pt: one small] mean thing back if nobody will stop them from being horrible to me. I don't care if they get hurt. I hope they do, actually.

Why is it so bad for me to hate these people, to wish minor [pt: minor] harm/annoyance to them? They do SO much worse to me, can't I just get them back??????? This isn't showing a lack of empathy this is just showing I'm fucking done with them treating me like this and nobody else has helped

.

[dyke-a-saur]

Finished watching Heartbreak High and I gotta say, I feel like they pulled off Gen Z High School really well. Like I could go to school with these absolute agents if chaos.

Okay but important business:

Amerie

I loved her the second she popped up on screen. Her energy, her personality, and her friendship with Harper. It was just the best. At times tho, I could see why the other characters antagonized her. After all, it was just as much her map as Harper’s and she put people in awful situations. Not to mention the reveal that she failed to let Harper in, then had the nerve to say she’d always be there. She even did the same to Malakai (tho it’s clear she acted out of trauma from her and Harper’s friendship gone sour)

Dusty

Fuck you. Youse a bitch, a snake, and truly a shit stain on the trousers of humanity. Work on yourself. Big soulful eyes tho.

Ca$h

Arguably the second most emotionally intelligent character in the show? Definitely better at it than Darren and his relationship was so refreshing? It was neat to see it not be a “I like dudes, oh no,” storyline and instead “I’m ace and just need to better express that to my partner who I love and adore”. Also that “I love you scene” was peak ghetto and I loved it. Darren’s Baby Daddy really behind bars, huh?

Malakai

This man. Is so fine. So sweet. And so funny. I love the way he gets to know Amerie and then befriends her and then becomes her first. And even if he handled the peer pressure to talk about the details poorly, he wanted to do right by her. I also loved how they explored the kinship he had with OTHER BLA(c)K CHARACTERS. It was nice to see how much he healed by being in his community and being surrounded by love for his culture. Missy being a big part of that was beautiful.

Harper

I did get the "spoiler" that she went through "something traumatizing" right before the start of the show, then later got more clues from Tumblr. So i had more patience with her character at the start, being honest. But goddamn it was so hard to watch her shut Amerie out and lash out at her. It also sucked seeing her antagonized in the second half because if she could've reached out or accepted people reaching in, then I feel like shit could've been handled better. But after seeing the events of "that night" I could totally get how and why she would want Amerie out of her life. Fake as hell for not owning up to the Incest Map tho. I was constantly whisper-yelling at my phone "girl, get it together!'

Quinni

No notes. Love her. She's the best. Also the most emotionally intelligent character (not a surprise and fuck you Sasha). She helps so many characters process their emotions, make up, figure out wwhat they want, and still stands on her own as a great character with her own life going on. I'm NT, but from what I've seen on Tumblr, most ND people see her as good rep.

Spider

Fuck this guy. Racist, sexist, (not as homophobic as previously assumed), and awful. But I love it. I love when he gets told to shut up. I love it when he's being awful and the other characters are like "yeah, fuck this dude". But also, he was weirdly complex? like the scene where he would've gotten it on with Amerie makes a lot of sense in context of the rest of his behavior. He's overcompensating because someone he genuinely liked, and cared for to an extent, hurt him in a vulnerable place and treated him like a dissapointment. Doesn't give him the right to react with daily verbal abuse, but his character makes more sense that way. I'd like to see him grow from that, but I'm not sure how.

Star of the Show

They're here, they're queer, they're unapologetically BLACK, they. Are. DARREN.

Okay jokes aside, I love this bitch. They're not only a great friend, but they (mostly) know what they want in life. It's sad to see Darren be dismissed as “too much” in their home, and you can really see how its affected the way they view their ability to be loved and cherished. So seeing them find that in Ca$h and watch the relationshp between the two grow was beautiful. It hurt to see Darren hurt Ca$h, like they gay ass ain't know what the "A" in "LGBTQIA" stood for, but that growth and intracommunity hurt was important to see.

Others

Ant annoyed me but he seemed like he could do/be better if he wasn’t around the rest of the guys. Sasha pissed me off, but I hope losing Quinni was enough to actually get her to look at her self-righteous tendencies and work on herself, I wanna see her go far. Missy was a fucking icon and I love her. Ms. Jojo is the love of my life and fuck Spider/Ant/Dusty (nigga) for screwing her over like that. Mrs. Spigot is my literal soulmate.

I think that’s all for now? But yeah go watch it if you haven’t already. It is another show focusing on the sex lives of teens but it feels more authentic than anything we’ve been given before.

[ancat-dubh]

Gotten a delightful lil flurry of followers/chats recently so reintroducing myself! ✨

I'm Éamonn, 32, ♉ queeny sadist transsexual fagguette, Irish American by background bouncing from one imperial core to another (lived in Engl*nd over a decade now). This blog's mostly for chatting about my spiritual/magical practice of four-and-a-bit years, shit I like, and chewing things over with comrades.

My practice is fairly DIY, grounded in animism, ancestral work, seasonal rhythms, working with local sacred places (especially forests, though recently been branching out into some urban marshland), trauma recovery, leather culture, and anticolonial solidarity/race and class treason. I do a lot of devotional walking, writing, spirit work, altered states, history, gardening, sex/BDSM magic, a lil ex-Cath saint work, practical spellwork, and divination, especially tarot. If we're mutuals, you can ask me (or trade me) for a cheeky lil reading – I'm ~well-reviewed.

Over the past year I've started working/self-initiating with a witch-god deity, whose name I haven't shared here for speculative + high drama mystery reasons (shez a Leo moon) –��I don't have a pantheon/am also not a monotheist so deity work is a big ol WIP but we're having fun with it. I don't talk about it in detail on here but work in conscious proximity/occasional collaboration with the fae and like talking to people who do too. I also occasionally practice with other people IRL and offline, so up to chat through magical collaborations if we know each other. Offline I'm an educator, writer, historian, queer agony aunt, ex-trauma worker, and organiser, currently into learning about medical herbalism, mushrooms, Caribbean and Irish folklore, Gaeilge, Levantine and West Indian cooking/food systems, and Indigenous history, spirituality, and politics. I love LOTR, sci-fi, plants, cooking, ye olde Internet drama folklore, and building a lil home with my boyfriend and a big ginger cat.

This blog is sometimes horny, often about anticolonial political praxis – both of these are central to my magical/spiritual deal and I try to build community with people accordingly. I believe in Black and Indigenous-led liberation by any means necessary and not interested in USA-ian handwringing on here. I post about sex, nudity, gay shit, and kink, as well as direct action and other solidarity work of, for, and by oppressed people. If these are not your things: fair warning! This blog's 18+, minors can send one (1) ask asking for resources. I'm always down to chat magic/spirituality/occultism/shoot the shit, though take my time with responses on here and won't usually get back right away! And if you're 24+ and want to be horny at me, you may. Mutuals, feel free to introduce yourselves if we haven’t chatted before! xoxoxoxo