#nd people working through trauma

[pix-writes]

Thank you so much for answering my question! You always give very thorough and thoughtful answers 🥹🥹 If you don't mind me asking, can I ask the same question about friendships (possible lovers later, just like with Stanley) but with Ford? Thank you so much again, I really love reading your analysis 🥹🙌🏻✨️!!

Aw thank you! ☺️

(answer under cut)

I think I've gone over a little bit about how Ford would be in the beginning of a friendship/relationship in this post. Mainly talking about how his flaws/past wound would hinder him forming relationships, generally.

Though I did mention that I think Ford would be easy to bond with, in terms of connecting over something intellectual or nerdy. If you're someone who is game to tag along on research or adventures and can lend a hand figuratively/physically, then your friendship will start to grow, as quality time is the best way to get to know him (he may be a hero/adventurer, but he's truly an introvert with introvert hobbies). Shared interests are something that seems very important to Ford, having been starved of a lot of affection and deeper connections in the past, especially since he found making friends in school/college; so as long as you share a few passions, he'll open up to you fairly quickly.

However, it will take him more time to form a romantic connection and for him to act on it, it will be very slow burn because firstly, he simply doesn't move fast in a relationship, or at least not as fast as modern dating seems to be, and second of all because he has a little insecurity over whether you're interested in him or not/should be interested in him. It takes Ford a little bit to be convinced you won't get your head turned by someone more 'suitable' in his mind. This is also in part to the trauma from Bill's manipulation and torture, whilst you may have only connected after bill was erased, it still brings up trust issues in him and he needs to feel he could trust a partner - as well as work through anxiety about putting you in potential danger (will be quite protective over you as a partner as a result of this).

Kindness will go a long way in securing his opinion of you as someone trustworthy, not only to him but Ford seeing you be kind to his family, your other friends, even to strangers or just plain altruistic in actions not just in words, means that he can trust that he has evidence to back up what he thinks of you and not fall into a similar trap like he did with bill.

Also will admire you for any show of bravery or doing what is right (especially if it's in a situation where it's against the odds, whether it's something dire or a situation where it would be easy to give into social pressures). He appreciates when people say what they mean and are direct with him, as he'll be the same with them (I'm neurodivergent and I hc Ford is too, so this may be specific to being ND, as it's confusing when neurotypical people talk in circles to me!)

Friendship with Ford would include:

watching nerdy TV/films together, whilst I think Ford has only passingly known of/shown interest in world events even before the portal incident, he still managed to have some semblance of interests/life outside of his research, it may arguably not have been a lot, but considering his interest in dnd (including the intergalactic versions) and how he wanted to drop everything to play it with dipper in that one episode, he is definitely interested in catching up on all the nerdy TV/films he's missed out on, cue watching LOTR, star wars, star trek etc. However his gaps in world events comes up as well at the most random of times, he didn't really ask much on what he's missed out in world news (it's not relevant to his work or so he thinks), which can be both hilarious and sad, as as his friend you have to catch him up or remind him (e.g. 'no sixer, the soviet union doesn't exist any more, remember?' 'oh yeah, there was a war in Afghanistan... What do you mean how did it start?!')

playing board games/video games, like I said above Ford is a long time player of ttrpgs and so you will be persuaded into playing some version of a DND campaign if you're not already into it. Ford's excellent at teaching the mechanics and actually pretty good at roleplay and DMing, he can't do many voices but his storytelling is masterful (he is an author after all, even if he wasn't writing fiction and has lots of past practice from college). Dives straight into 5e, learns it quickly and creates his own homebrew version in no time at all! If you introduce him to the concept of dnd shows, he becomes a critter for sure! Essek and Percy are his favourite characters in Critical Role. Hums the theme song sometimes when he's working in the lab. Dipper gets him into Minecraft and you together construct a large home base and underground lab in the game. A lot of these games can take a long time, definitely have stayed up till 3 or 4 am on a campaign more than once.

research in the lab together or out in the field and debating with Ford about all sorts of topics, including your current research projects and both of your hypotheses. You might not have the same skill set as him but he values a different perspective from his own, you help balance out his hyperfocus. Is protective of you if something might be dangerous, will want him to be the one that gets hit/hurt if anyone has to, though both of you have had to patch up the other.

Getting into debates: Ford loves a mental challenge, he doesn;t realise its good for him (consciously/not until post-weirdmageddon) but having someone who isn't afraid to challenge him or speak their mind with him helps to keep him grounded and for him to really pause and think about his theories/morals. It doesn't have to be too deep though, perhaps you simply disagree on something, this will turn into a full debate, but despite some thinking you're arguing, its more of a passionate conversation, you're both having fun. Plus its even more fun when Ford ends up agreeing with you (its rare but it boosts your ego when it does happen)

related to the adventures a little: expect Ford to praise you/your efforts, (reminds me a bit like the 9th doctor or Sherlock) will just be doing something or figuring out a code or puzzle he'll exclaim "fascinating!" Or brilliant/fantastic/excellent/good, sometimes he's not aware he's saying these hushed phrases! Or he'll follow it up with questions, eyes lit up from being energised in his work, like "fascinating! How did you reach that conclusion?" 🤓

catching him up on technology, he finds it difficult compared to the high tech stuff from other universes but I like to hc he would get over it eventually, he's not the most adept in terms of keeping up with internet culture but is when it comes to tinkering with technology and experimenting/improving it. Still likes to call people instead of text and will have regular phone calls with you if you or him are away from each other.l, eases his worries about you (he's protective and still has nightmares from time to time so he likes to hear your voice so he knows you're ok).

Spending quieter moments together, even if its just stargazing on the stan o war whilst stan fishes, if you're close friends, I can imagine Ford would like hugs, holding hands and on the odd occaision napping cuddled up together (platonically) - the naps happened by accident at first, however its nice and your adventures are exhausting sometimes, so you now get the weighted blanket for you to both lie under for an hour or two (Mabel definitely has a picture of you asleep on her phone because its adorable).

Ford hasn't driven for 30 yrs (well not a regular old car anyway) so you've definitely had to drive him places/collect him before because his attempts at driving are almost as reckless as Stan is behind the wheel 😬 on a boat though? He's the most trustworthy captain 🫡 meticulous on the safety checks, will boss you and stan about a little on what to do, but you know it's for good reason... most of the time

[angelicstarsight]

Why I Claim the Label "Witch" Even Though My Ancestors Would Disapprove

Please keep in mind that this decision is a part of my personal journey in my folk magic and ancestor veneration practice.

🌸 I am LGBTQIA+ and neurodivergent.

I'm the black sheep of my family. Historically, people like me would've been at risk for being suspected of witchcraft and ran out of town or worse. By calling myself a witch, I honor anyone in my ancestry who was also ND and LGBTQIA+. I carry their legacy by standing in my power.

🌸 I am not a Protestant Christian.

After receiving a lifetime of religious trauma being raised Church of Christ (Protestant Christian), I left the church in 2012. I've had to sift through my life during hours of therapy to find myself again. Calling myself a witch felt like I was finally in control of my own life again. The cost of giving up the label "witch" for something that made my ancestors happier was far too high. The most I'm willing to do for my ancestors at this time is learn how to use the magic of the Psalms.

🌸 "Healer" is a trigger word.

I have a negative association with this word, and I'm not sure what else to say about it! The title would be disempowering for me because of my religious trauma. I'm not a healer, white witch, good witch, etc. I am me, and I do the magic that serves my purpose. I have my own ethics within my practice.

🌸 I'm the main character of my own life, and I live it for me.

I live the way I want to, and if my ancestors want to work with me, then they have to accept who I am. Or at least be open-minded to learning about who I am and the reasoning behind my choices. If they are not willing, then they do not receive veneration, and I will not work with them. Simple as that!

Those are just a few reasons I call myself a "witch." :) It's important to set boundaries with any spirit you involve in your practice (especially early on when you're getting to know each other and building trust).

[kinardscake]

hi, sorry. i just wanted a place to rant and uh. this got away from me. feel free to ignore this! sending love to you and all my fellow bucktommies! <3

can i say this: "playing the field" is a bullshit argument. if you (general) had to experience Every Single Thing in life until you are "wise enough" to make choices and have commitments as a grown ass adult, none of these couples could be together. wdym athena didn't sleep with tons of women and trans people before choosing bobby? she cannot possibly know that she loves bobby, a person with a penis, because sHe HaSn'T pLaYeD tHe FiElD enough yet! because what if her "last" is actually not bobby? bobby could die tomorrow. it's not unlikely. athena doesn't know when he might die. bobby doesn't know when athena might die. they don't know if maybe some hurdle will break them someday. and still, we see them treat each other as "their lasts" and investing in their shared future. that is what humans do.

the fact of life is this: you have billions of human beings on this planet and thus plenty of options every day that you have to choose from. that also means that when you made that choice, your are aware that you forfeit the opportunity to get a different outcome. that goes for every single friendship, relationship, hookup, job offer, hobby, place to live, and so forth. realistically, none of us will ever have it all. that is not possible. buck is a firefighter and thus forfeits the opportunity to be a teacher or a zoologist. buck is living in his loft, thus forfeits the opportunity to buy a house. buck buys a couch, thus forfeits the opportunity to have a different one.

that is LIFE, baby.

if the 911 writers think that one must have lots of sex to know when one is in love, well! good news! buck did that already in season 1! buck went through multiple "updates" to learn what he wants. "love" is not suddenly a completely different and unknown concept to buck. he has loved before. he is loving people right now. he has lived through more things than any other person ever will in their lifetime. has experienced eye-opening trauma that clearly says that life is fucking short. and you tell me that after all this he just accepts that others tell him what he supposedly feels? nah fam. this is once again feeling like buck is just "going with the flow" because despite 7 seasons of development, he still seems to let others tell him what he thinks and feels and wants. i'm pretty sure he knows what he wants. buck told tommy that he thinks what he wants could be with tommy. he said it from the beginning. but then the show suddenly pulls a 180 and decided that, actually, buck is unwilling to put in any work.

bobby's first wife and mother of his children died, and nobody questions that his love for athena is real. eddie's wife and love of his life died, and everybody is still hoping he finds another great love after her. you can never know what happens in life, and none of that diminishes the fact that love is real and meaningful and worthy to fight for when you are feeling it! just like chimney went after maddie and pushed to support her despite maddie herself telling buck to not tell chim where she is (which buck respected and got punched for as a thanks). chim explicitly went against maddie's wishes because he knew this was a moment to fight for and support maddie.

just like the old tommy said: "you make it". and that's exactly it! buck has tons of options nd he could find "the one" in multiple people. until buck is dead, he will continue to have options. and it will be a continuous choice to stay in a committed relationship regardless of the other options that will always be there, no matter who he ends up with in the end. that is how life is. he could sleep with thousands of women and men and still be alone because sex with strangers is an investment into something "fun", yes, but not something that is a committed relationship. buck has learned that lesson in season 1. at some point in life, you either choose one person and put effort into that relationship, or you will never make any choice at all and thus never have any of "the ones" that you could have had.

buck can choose to invest his time in meaningless hookups. that is a valid choice to make. however, we know that buck was unhappy with that. why are they trying to reheat a 6-year-old moudly soup?

bucktommy is not even a "the one that got away" story for that reason. we know that both tommy and buck actually want commitment. they are literally on the same page. and instead of fucking committing, of intentionally choosing each other day after day after day, communicating about their insecurities and feelings and needs some more... they suddenly pull back completely? what the actual fuck is that logic? either you want to be in a committed in a relationship or not. make a choice. most people literally talk about that on the first date. making tommy pull back like that after 6 months is horrible, but making buck accept this without any pushback is frankly stupid. THAT would have been the moment to fucking fight for this relationship and point out that "yes, i could easily go fuck other people with different genitalia and guess what, i have been aware of that option existing this whole time but the point is that i INTENTIONALLY CHOOSE to be WITH YOU". but for some reason... nothing. poof. done.

and then i think back to red's story and how it affected buck tremendously... how red put his work first for decades and that he always regretted not investing more into his true love which he met when he was young... red did not choose the person he loved. he chose his job. he did not put in the effort to build a relationship, did not take any risk, and was thus had to live with the consequences of his own actions (living utterly alone after retiring because colleagues are not forever). and that is the thing: there will be what-ifs and consequences in all our lives. you can only be on one (1) path at a time. there will be chances missed. lives you maybe could have had. but this is not how real life works. so you either start making intentional choices and accepting the fact that all of life includes risk and potential heartbreak, or you will regret living as if you are paralyzed.

just. sorry. i didn't plan for my rant to be so long but i'm still so mad at this bullshit take that they gave to tommy of all people. i love tommy, he isn't at fault here. i love buck, he isn't at fault here. the writing in the last episode, however, is really making me fucking mad. it's so condescending and disrespectful to buck as a character but most importantly to bisexual/pansexual people. just because "there are more options" for bisexual people does not mean that the dilemma isn't the same for every human being. if you want love, you have to choose it. you have to work for it. you have to fight for it. you have to communicate what you want and need. you have to be a team with your partner to deal with hurdles together.

this has nothing to do with the size of the dating pool. it's about knowing what you want. all characters in a committed relationship, namely athena, bobby, chimney, maddie, hen, and karen, all have a big potential dating pool. they could all sleep around forever if they wanted. they could test every kink under the sun. however, they do not want to sleep around. it's as simple as that. and there is nothing wrong with you if you intentionally pass by certain opportunities. people know what they want. this is like men telling women that their life will never be "complete" if they don't have children of their own. like how fucking condescending is it to assume that you know what's best for another person when they are mature enough to form their own opinions?!

with how they have written buck for the past 7 seasons, it seemed like he wants commitment. this was established in the pilot episode. but if he just "accepts his fate" and sleep around now, no strings attached? well. okay. so what i am hearing is that either buck still does not know what he wants in life or that the past 7 seasons are a lie and actually his key to happiness is fucking strangers. either way, he has been stagnant for years in this endeavor.

buck and tommy could have easily fought for this to work. this was the perfect opportunity. but they didn't. and now i really think that they have truly lost the plot with buck's overarching storyline. very saddening.

You took the words right out of my mouth, Nonnie.

Sending you so much love as well, and, please, keep speaking your truth. 🫶

[gofishygo]

intro + masterlist + linktree

what is this place?

hello !! my name is mito (he/him ftm) , age is 15-18, and i am the singular owner of this blog . I write fanfiction and doodle a little sometimes !!

i have autism and clinical depression , so please excuse if my behaviour appears off or if i have long periods of inactivity. outside of writing fanfiction nd poetry, i enjoy plants, figure skating, swimming and baking and will post abt them on occasion. though mainly cod, i may also post or discuss things from: splatoon, arcane, evangilion (ng/eoe), Scott pilgrim takes off and blue eye samurai.

chi + malay live in aus, speak eng + 很差汉语

-

about the aquarium !!

💌| requests r currently open !!

view the specimen here !! (masterlist)

i currently write for cod mw and splatoon!! however, as i have not completed the call of duty games, i may lack some of the knowledge in lore or character. apologies if my depections seem off.

for splatoon, im generally ok writing for all ships (apart from underage/incest). however, i don't really want to write any splatoon/reader with romantic content- it feels a bit weird to me. this is reversed when writing for call of duty; i have a large bias in writing for cod/reader, and i dont plan to write for any ships in the fandom- however, i will pick them up on the occasion.

fem , masc and gn readers r ok !! i also write for trans characters and those with lgbtq identities. i aim to try keep the gender, race and appearance of the reader neutral in my works.

i am okay w writing gore or violence, and trying to handle heavier topics such as mental illness, trauma, crime etc. any writings will have explicit warnings for anything i believe could be potentially triggering for others.

-

map !!

my blog is still quite disorganised, though you can find most posts through these tags

𓇼｡°🎐 : general talking

꒰📫꒱₊˚⊹ : inbox (doesn't account for written requests)

୧ ‧₊˚ 📧 ⋅ : written works

⋆🔄🐟 *✧.* : reblogs

🍉༊*·˚ : palestine (information, posts, fundings)

-

sorry, we don’t have those here !!

since i am a minor !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! , i do not write for nsfw. please do not interact if you are going to spread hate or toxicity to my page, or if it seems like you are going to endanger people. do not interact zionists !!!!

regular customers ?

anon list : cricket (🦗) anon, mushroom (🍄) anon

[bisexualfagdyke]

What do you think jeanee dynamic would be like in a world where jean wasn't sold to the moriyamas? Idc that they probably never would have met but i care if u think their dynamic would be different if he was significantly less traumatized (totally not an overcomplicated ploy to fish for fluffy trauma-free jeanee headcanons)

WELL. Firstly this will probably be romantic in nature bcuz I am simply a girlie who loves bi4bi jeanee and I know u dont ship them but YKNOW!!!

Hmm. This is not something I've ever thought about, honestly. There's just soooo many things to consider. Would he go to school, make friends there? What would his life look like? His trauma from the raven's has probably fundamentally shaped a large portion of his personality because of how severe and constant it was. It's so genuinely hard for me to consider what he would be like as a person if he was never sold to the Moriyama's.

But I can just ALWAYS see him being a gentle person, and I can see him working well with Renee no matter the circumstances. If she had met him when things weren't how they were in canon, if he didn't have so so much to work through, I can imagine them having a very simple and easy romantic relationship. I can see them having such a peaceful, beautiful life together. But it's also like, I do believe he latched onto Renee and fell for her partly because she was one of the first people to show him care and kindness.... she literally saved his LIFE and that shapes a lot of their relationship, shapes how important she is to Jean. And I think Renee understands people like Jean and Andrew specifically because of what all of them have gone through. She understands misunderstood people who struggle with trauma and mental health problems.

Regardless, I would give anything for Elodie to be alive and to see Jean grow up with her. I imagine Renee would get along so well with Elodie too :,) and she would totally admire how gentle and loving Jean is towards his sister. And Elodie would ADORE Renee for sure. Imagine Jean and Renee just being "best friends" at the start, but Elodie pestering Jean to make a move on Renee bcuz she loves Renee so much and wants Renee to be part of their family.

I can also see Jean just being such a WifeGuy. Like absolutely obsessed w his beautiful gf wifey Renee. Like totally cooking beautiful meals for her, over-the-top romantic ass date nights, buying her gifts constantly, and just being sooooo smitten over her and so in love and malewife. Where's that one meme of that guy on ambien reddit like "my wife is soft nd I liek her" THAT IS LITERALLY JEAN ABT RENEE BUT instead its like "my wife is so Strong and she could beat me up and Kill me in a fight. I lov e her :)" . Also Renee big spoon btw if u even care. Jean is literally her soggy little cat . Also like.... they could soooooooo be transfem4transfem in my eyes?!? Trasfem bi butch Jean, transfem bi futch Renee 🤝 they're like bisexual yuri

[paraliveimaginesblog]

!!! your writing is soo adorable omg !!! if its not too much do you mind writing watching either horror or romance movies w/ dongha, kenta, and hajun !! tysm nd i appreciate your works sm !!

(this was a cute message thank u so much!! I'm glad you enjoy my writing dear~)

Dongha Yeon:

Dongha thinks love without stipulation is silly. He wanted to watch movies that just had romance as a background, or not at all, but since that’s not what you wanted he had to find at least something to satisfy you. He thinks some of the more upscale romances, ones where the characters aren’t throwing themselves at each other but slowly build up into the types of people who are so close they’ll undeniably support each other whether they’re dating or not, are more tolerable but they’re certainly not a preference.

He always enjoyed watching other people suffering more than him, but horror still isn’t a preference. He’d like films that had a little more ‘what ifs’ to them, mostly because it’s what’s expected of him, to like movies that made him use his brain. But Dongha wanted some thoughtless fun too, maybe something that was a silly little slasher so he could watch foolish teens without feeling guilty because they had it coming. You can see the quiet contemplation in his eyes when he watches horrors, how he winced when there were killers whose background consisted of an abusive family, but rather than bring it up you tried to soothingly stroke the back of his hand with your thumb, pretending you needed the comforting instead.

Hajun Yeon:

Hajun is a man with unfiltered opinions so you’re wary about bringing favorite movies of any kind in front of him. Romance seems to get the harsher of the two, especially when there are big betrayals that are tied up by the end; when they leave a trillion loose ends, Hajun can’t help but wonder aloud how they can truly trust each other after that. He also rather there be an exciting plot to surround the romance, nothing too ‘slice of life’ as it wasn’t interesting to watch the life he was living. You would take offense but you can tell when he makes certain comments he’s trying to get a rise out of you, but it’s not the only time he speaks up. He seemed to be paying close attention to the actions of the leads, seeing the kinds of things you liked and thought were cute to jot down for later.

Horror is a genre Hajun seemed to enjoy a little more. He might not say they were his favorite but you can see the amusement in his eyes at seeing stupid people suffering for their decisions, especially when the bad guy ultimately wins in the end. He tells you that it feels more realistic but when there were main characters who went through nothing but trauma, good people who confronted the bad things they had done, who end up winning in the end despite what the film might foreshadow… He’d breathe a notable sigh of relief. You don’t tease him for this but you do put your head on his shoulder, trying to keep yourself still so he can’t tell that you’re giggling at his investment.

Kenta Mikoshiba:

Some horror movies make Kenta a little jumpier than others. Living his life in a locked down home, or even just in his regular cell at the prison, made it so he felt at least safely contained. But watching a supernatural movie where steel bars won’t protect him, nor will his beefy roommates, makes him a little on edge. He acted tough and when there were movies with cool killers with a schtick he always got a laugh, but anything that digs deep beneath the surface makes him antsy. You think he’s cute when he inched a little closer to you when you watched them together, though he always pretended it was for your sake (and you let him, since you were still getting prime hand-holding time with him).

Romance movies make Kenta roll his eyes. He’s filled with all kinds of criticisms for every conflict that comes up, mentioning that love made people stupid and he couldn’t stand it (ignoring the irony of the situation since he was watching said moves with you). You didn’t take much of his opinions to heart because it was clear he held up a wall when you watched them together, and you wondered how he’d feel if he watched one when it was just him. You can see him getting invested when there’s a star-crossed lovers type of situation, and he looked even more miserable if the romance was one that included distance as the stories main obstacle to overcome.

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

So, here are two dilemmas I'm working with at the moment in regards to relationships:

- I hate being interrupted. Like it really drives me up the wall. It's hard enough to get my thoughts out and it's even harder when I feel like I'm on a time limit before I'm interrupted and lose my train of thought. If I have a better chance at relationships with ND folks and a majority of them have a problem with interruptions, what do I do? If you say "Just say 'hold on, I wasn't done', that brings me to my second dilemma.

- Unless I am absolutely pissed the fuck off, standing up for myself in real time is basically impossible. Trauma has beaten it out of me that I shouldn't take up space, I shouldn't stand up for myself, I shouldn't say what I wanna talk about, I should just let people talk and if they don't ask, they're not interested. Like if I told my mother "Let me speak, I wasn't done" she would have killed me. And every interaction where assertion is needed feels like those consequences are still hanging over my head.

So do I push through and just say what I need in relationships? How much pushing is too much before it's an uphill battle? How many times do I have to do that before it's easier? Why is the onus always on me to demand to be seen and not responsibility of the other to provide space for me like I do for them? How much energy can I reserve when I'm already pushing against so much force just trying to survive? Do I find/stick with ND's who are way more naturally agreeable and accommodating for that space and avoid situations where I really have to fight to be seen?

I know what I want my relationships to look like, but I don't know how to communicate that when getting to know a person and specifically lay out what that would look like in that instance.

Give me your thoughts, I'm struggling with this one here.

[leafmint-does-a-meow]

We’re mutuals now which means I’m allowed to be autistic on main <3 You are ABSOLUTELY right in your interpretation of Jekyll, in my opinion. He is trying So Hard to be neurotypical in a world where there isn’t even a word for that, there’s just ‘normal’ and ‘male hysteria’, and I see myself in this poor sad man.

Also, your depiction of the withholding of food to punish a naughty child? And the way Jekyll knows that, as an adult, he puts too much stock in food and drink? The fact that he has enough education to recognize a trauma response but can’t help the fact he’s doing it? The peak of cinema.

Do you think Jekyll ever did, or considered self harm? I have my own thoughts on the matter, but I’d love to hear what you think!

nah man, you always LEAD with being autistic on main! That's how you find all the other people who are deranged absolutely normal about the same stuff you are!

ugh, yeah, I was diagnosed at 17 so I had already gone through school and puberty wondering What Was Wrong With Me. The world isn't built for ND people, even today. It was even worse in the 19th century...

So fun fact! Well...not really fun, but that was a totally accepted thing that the upper class did with their kids. They believed that too much rich food would create immorality in their children when they reached adulthood and it was very common for food to be withheld as punishment. I bought historian Ruth Goodman's book How To Be A Victorian for fic research (Ruth my beloved) and there was a whole chapter that went into depth about food and nutrition.

'While hunger was at its cruellest among the poor, it sent its tendrils winding around the lives of the more wealthy too... Requests for more food were met with pious lectures about carnal desires and pampering to greed... The self-control and self-denial induced by hunger were thought to teach enduring habits of self-sacrifice and to aid in fashioning a more moral individual.'

I really recommend her book and documentaries if you want to learn more about the 19th century :)

Jekyll probably knows something isn't right, but with the lack of education or even acceptance of the mere existence of mental illness and trauma, he's probably been told his whole life to 'just get on with it', essentially. Poor bub.

Oof, yeah, I mean he definitely has had some dark days. Again, with the lack of knowledge in regards to mental health, he would be inclined to just force himself through it and on to the other side.

In my fic I wrote: 'There were days where his thoughts seemed to eat him alive, where the relentless pounding of his own heart would cause chest pains and exhaustion. It was on these days that dark thoughts would begin to surface, and he would throw himself into his work to evade them.'

The work proves a valuable distraction, until of course he begins to turn it into a process of finding a 'cure' for himself. Just as well he got away to the country when he did, I suppose.

Thanks for the ask! <3

[coeluvr]

Hello dearest!

I don't usually write messages because I have weird, shy internet anxiety, but I wanted to make an exception because compliments always motivate me to keep writing and I need u to keep writing so I can finally h*ld Vincent's h*nd!!! 😔😭🤡

This is one of the few IFs where I actually want to romance all ROs!!! Usually, I have a few I really want to romance and the rest I slog through cause completionist tendencies. But you've done a wonderful job of not only making the characters feel very alive and dynamic but also making them all appealing and attractive.

I usually always want to romance the hater because pettiness fuels me but also love angst with a kill them with kindness mc (I WILL H*LD VINCENTS H*ND OR DIE FIGHTING GOD). So, confirmed Vincent-mancer. His art? HIS EYES. HIS LIPS. PRETTY PRIVELEGE IS REAL AND ALL CRIMES ARE EXCUSED (also I really tried going into it being like he's not sad!!! But, as someone who's been in that place, while not an actual war, he definitely comes across as sad in the sense of a weariness at life and that he's struggling to fit back into his skin as pre-trauma Vincent. Artist did a 10/10 job with all the art because THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL I CREYYYY)

But the chokehold Hunter has on me? They were gonna be first because their personality is appealing to me both fictional and irl but omg everything I read I HAVE TO HAVE MORE. Like it's moved beyond I'd definitely vibe with this character and look forward to their route to i WANT TO SMOOCH THEIR PRETTY FACE OFF. So now confirmed Hunter-mancer (I actually died on the tattoo snippet on patreon is it a good or bad day to be bi?)

Helios kind of types I'm more of a 50/50 with, but obviously gotta do it for the juicy drama. But all stuff with him has just been so ??!!!???😳😳🫠 like he just leaves me more intrigued. Confirmed Helios-mancer. (The amount of times I'm gonna replay his route to try different things is actually gonna be crazy)

Soarine hot women nuff said. But also just ???!!!?!? I can't even form words. I'm so excited for more scenes with her. Confirmed Soarine-mancer. (Ma'am pls step on me respectfully and not so respectfully)

Fadiya as the official best friend (Hunter you're a bestie too but I feel bad like I'm making u choose between me and Helios :((( ) is usually one I'd keep strictly platonic. I love platonic routes as much as romance and nothing grabs me more than having a best friend character in IFs. BUT SHES SO ADORABLE. I WANNA SMOOSH HER CHEEKS. Also I feel her cause I'm that oblivious too 😭😭😭 I always appreciate ifs having the shy and bold type flirting but I need an oblivious idiot one because I'd be accidentally flirting with her like I do with all my friends without realizing I'm in love with her (and then be unable to speak to her once I realize because flirting? With people that aren't just platonic friends??? That I have feelings for????? Sounds fake). I gotta write the fanfic now (and perhaps share with u once I get over my shyness)

I really am looking forward to the next chapter! I'm so glad I subscribed on patreon too :))) keep up the good work (it also motivates me to cure my depression and post my stuff too)

💙💙💙💙💙

This is so sweet, anon 🥺 Thank you for sending me this message!!

I'm so glad all of the ROs are appealing to you! I love them all so much they're all beautiful and have so much to their stories. 🥰

Vincent's pretty privilege is insane lmao so many people folded when they saw him 😭 I guess Vincent's inner sadness seeped through because he's really okay #trust but then I probably have a wildly different definition of okay haha very low standards of living over here. He was also never trauma free lol my man just going through it. 🤭

I understand your love for Hunter!! They are just very... very. The tattoo part is one of my favs too they're so smooth with it like okay you're popular with everyone we get it 🙄 *cries to sleep*

Helios is super interesting to me because of the way he handles things and his mindset like I need to study him under a microscope. His route will definitely fulfill all your desires for drama! 🥳

Soarine hot woman. Real. She can ruin my life any day.

Fadiya is perfection and a gift from the gods because she's just so 🥹🥹 I love her to bits and she's going to be so fun to write.

Thank you for your kind words! I love these kind of messages so you're right hehe. Definitely gave me a boost! 💗

[ndcultureis]

tw: bullying, swears

ND culture is people (dumbasses) thinking you have low empathy just because you aren't taking shit from people who are mean to you (and no other way of trying to get them to stop has worked so I'm resorting to being mean back)

I empathize heavily with other NDs or people who went through the same kind of trauma as me or worse and I empathize heavily with people I care about, I have high empathy (low/no empathy people are amazing and cool tho!!)

But if that person is someone I hate (which I only hate people who are mean to me btw) then it's very hard to care about me doing something 1000000x less bad than what they're doing to me

Wdym I should show them empathy and compassion and stop tapping my desk? They're being a bitch to me, not listening to reason, refusing to believe any of us fighting constantly could be their fault, and also blames me for everything and yells at me constantly. Why would I care about what they hypothetically possibly could be going through or what little thing annoys them, they're literally screaming in my face every day. Why should I care about how me tapping on my desk annoys them? Good. Let them be annoyed. Only form of vengeance I get

Wdym I shouldn't purposefully trip this person? They're verbally bullying me, being horrible to me, and like the last straw for my mental health, why should I care if they get a little booboo from me tripping them?? They literally (without knowing but still with bad intentions) implied they wouldn't care if I died. They're making me hate every day of my life here. And nobody has done anything to stop them from bullying me no matter how many times I tell staff. Let me trip them once. Let me do ONE SMALL [pt: one small] mean thing back if nobody will stop them from being horrible to me. I don't care if they get hurt. I hope they do, actually.

Why is it so bad for me to hate these people, to wish minor [pt: minor] harm/annoyance to them? They do SO much worse to me, can't I just get them back??????? This isn't showing a lack of empathy this is just showing I'm fucking done with them treating me like this and nobody else has helped

.

[edge-oftheworld]

been thinking a lot about the way we treat stars (and stand by and let others treat them) and everything I’ve been blabbing on about since that shawn mendes concert in 2019 where a few seemingly unrelated things from my youth (fandom/celebrities and my irl high school experience) fell together and I realised, this is really important and personal to me and something I care about.

I remember hearing about scooter braun and a bunch of legal stuff I didn’t understand, and buying lover on CD with my money from my first big girl job and knowing it was, for once, going to Taylor. I remember buying copies of the re-records for friends, confused as to why they all seemed to be fans all of a sudden but so glad for the timing of it. I remember learning about conservatorships and the ableist injustice they are from the dedicated fans spearheading the ‘free britney’ movement, simultaneously being shocked her success wasn’t enough to prevent it, while grieving and hoping and angering for the hundreds who don’t have a dedicated platform of fans to raise an alert—and might not be known or cared about by anyone but their abusers.

I remember finding out in neurodivergent around this time, masking my distress both before and after finding out a short term mental health struggle wasn’t gonna scratch the surface of it because it happened to me too, I might’ve seemed capable at the time but decades of hiding difference and distress aren’t so easily undone and there’s so many ways a brain that’s grown up like that can get sick. and yet I used to write songs, too, and in a world where we valued string orchestras mimicking pop music instead of, say, STEM, and I started the viola earlier—could that have been me? I remember finding artists I related to. Still feeling the ick from the days when I ignored my classmates’ fan behaviour, thinking I wouldn’t be allo or straight enough to enjoy being marketed like that, are they?

I remember slowly figuring out my own way to be a fan, be there for the music and grateful for its writers and how much I relate to them. I remember applying songs to stories of other ND kids who weren’t as privileged as I was, relating to them on a secondhand level, thinking ‘oh shit what if they’ve been neurodivergent this whole time’ going from feeling like failures in an ableist education system to puppets like I was when I let them pressure me to channel my creativity into science, but so much worse. I was only ever objectified for my brain—I can’t imagine if it was everything. I’m no stranger to overwork and burnout and feeling like I’ll never be enough while having that insatiable need to create in revenge, and just doing twice as much work with the two put together.

we’ve moved on from those days, surely, days where speculation from those who Get It and just long to be represented while having no one else go through it were gossip we paid no heed to, out of respect. we’ve moved on but now it’s when the stories come out. we’ve been through tragedy. we thought our generation would be different, but looking back, I felt the dread in my body for a long time. I came to understand what trauma does to your personality and your literal brain structure and I was scared and I was rambling on here because it sucks and did you know most activism is ableist and can you find me a child star untouched by this if no then maybe let’s stop demonising them. let’s stop judging them for their unwise decisions and call out the people who make this keep happening and maybe stop going along with it as a society. for the sake of climate or human rights and no one was having this conversation with me.

now I go to webweave with lyrics and I stumble over, again and again, the protest and the anger behind something like boy and I’ve been hoping for it, turns out it’s there if you just let it sink in a bit. I want to make cute melancholic posts but I just come back feeling angry. I come back motivated to have these conversations I’ve been brainstorming how to do something useful with for years. and I have to be smart about it because you think too hard, you say shit right out of your intuition that really shouldn’t grace the internet just for basic privacy, I know I have.

but is it really any more respectful to just gloss over the heavier themes that are there and you go back and you find them everywhere you look like it’s on purpose and yet. yet we talk about fashion and whatever else and there’s nothing wrong with being interested in that but you know how to make the status quo stay the exact same? by not saying anything. if an album can be read as ‘look what the industry made me, I’m healing in spite of it but it takes hard work and a lot of sacrifice on behalf of those who love me’ what are we doing if we talk about anything but that? what are we doing if we criticise a woman for saying it much more outright, only a week prior, and the minute something isn’t so in our face we can’t possibly ignore it, we go back to just that?

I can’t webweave because it makes me want to organise. we’ve been all over the place, as a fandom, getting on each other’s asses for shit we have zero say in. what happened to real fans save bands? criticise. compete to be that girl. we won’t, because they’re doing everything not to, but keep it up and we lost the men in the fucking canyon and none of the rest of it matters. you can complain all you like and so can I but what actually matters is that we listen. a stupid viral tiktok trend or publicity by pure chance but now that it’s been said can we really just keep ignoring what we know? we see things in black and white. we live out not in the same way, a fandom with love misplaced, is it really so hard to go back to the drawing board and figure out how to love someone the right way? we care. it’s time we bring that together and talk strategic action

[ourpickwickclub]

To that one anon, I avoid a lot of of ND fan accounts especially on Instagram for the same reasons you do. They only hate on Blake either because they still want Gwen and Tony together, blame him for ND not reuniting or playing and because they think Gwen changed because of him, they’re the same people who cry about “missing the real Gwen”. It’s stupid. Yet these same people gush about the ND boys and their wives. Idiots. I even get tired of their obsession with wanting ND to tour. It’d be cool but people need to respect Gwen’s choices. I mainly follow Gwen accounts because they aren’t like those ND fans and respect/love her and Blake and none of them romanticize Gwen and GR which I’ve seen some ND fans do 🤢.

That’s interesting if they blame Blake and miss “the real Gwen” because while I didn’t “follow” Gwen until 2015, I always liked her and kept an eye on her projects and stories over the years. I watched The Voice S7 for her even though I had never seen the Voice before that season.

I feel like we never got the real Gwen until Blake came along. Who she is now all the time is who I used to see glimpses of and liked, but she never seemed to feel safe being herself. I LOVE that she able to be herself now. I love that Blake gave her that gift of security and empowerment and safety and love. It’s only because she knew he loved her no matter what she felt safe being completely true to herself in my opinion. Especially after all the trauma she had been through. 

I actually understand why this is hard for the ND guys. It’s like they used to have these codes they could punch-in with phrases and words to pressure and guilt her and they always worked. And now they type in those codes and nothing happens except she perhaps pulls away. I’m sure it’s upsetting. But she deserves to be happy and she is… I will say again, the first time Blake, or the kids feel even slightly uncomfortable, even if they try and hide it from her, if she picks up on it, she’s done.

Her family is her priority and she is happier than ever. Why change or add anything if it doesn’t add to her/their happiness?

- B

[ancat-dubh]

Gotten a delightful lil flurry of followers/chats recently so reintroducing myself! ✨

I'm Éamonn, 32, ♉ queeny sadist transsexual fagguette, Irish American by background bouncing from one imperial core to another (lived in Engl*nd over a decade now). This blog's mostly for chatting about my spiritual/magical practice of four-and-a-bit years, shit I like, and chewing things over with comrades.

My practice is fairly DIY, grounded in animism, ancestral work, seasonal rhythms, working with local sacred places (especially forests, though recently been branching out into some urban marshland), trauma recovery, leather culture, and anticolonial solidarity/race and class treason. I do a lot of devotional walking, writing, spirit work, altered states, history, gardening, sex/BDSM magic, a lil ex-Cath saint work, practical spellwork, and divination, especially tarot. If we're mutuals, you can ask me (or trade me) for a cheeky lil reading – I'm ~well-reviewed.

Over the past year I've started working/self-initiating with a witch-god deity, whose name I haven't shared here for speculative + high drama mystery reasons (shez a Leo moon) – I don't have a pantheon/am also not a monotheist so deity work is a big ol WIP but we're having fun with it. I don't talk about it in detail on here but work in conscious proximity/occasional collaboration with the fae and like talking to people who do too. I also occasionally practice with other people IRL and offline, so up to chat through magical collaborations if we know each other. Offline I'm an educator, writer, historian, queer agony aunt, ex-trauma worker, and organiser, currently into learning about medical herbalism, mushrooms, Caribbean and Irish folklore, Gaeilge, Levantine and West Indian cooking/food systems, and Indigenous history, spirituality, and politics. I love LOTR, sci-fi, plants, cooking, ye olde Internet drama folklore, and building a lil home with my boyfriend and a big ginger cat.

This blog is sometimes horny, often about anticolonial political praxis – both of these are central to my magical/spiritual deal and I try to build community with people accordingly. I believe in Black and Indigenous-led liberation by any means necessary and not interested in USA-ian handwringing on here. I post about sex, nudity, gay shit, and kink, as well as direct action and other solidarity work of, for, and by oppressed people. If these are not your things: fair warning! This blog's 18+, minors can send one (1) ask asking for resources. I'm always down to chat magic/spirituality/occultism/shoot the shit, though take my time with responses on here and won't usually get back right away! And if you're 24+ and want to be horny at me, you may. Mutuals, feel free to introduce yourselves if we haven’t chatted before! xoxoxoxo

[the-mechanica]

Oh look it's another AuDHD Loba post. I want to talk about the concept of having a 'safe person'.

For mostly autistic and variably ND people, they have what's called a 'safe person'. For some lower needs nd folks, what this person provides is a sense of safety to unmask. Autism advocates on other socials have defined this as a person who has "seen all sides of them and has not judged them for it". The 'safe person' gives the autistic person space to feel the true extent of their feelings, good and bad, outside of external pressure from neurotypical expectations. Regardless of the relationship otherwise, it's the context of that alone that defines what a 'safe person' does for someone autistic. Revenant is Loba's 'safe person'. I know it sounds counterintuitive that Rev be "safe" in any sense of the word, but he is the only person she has found herself around that has never questioned her emotional reactions. Maybe he's made them worse, but he has never told her to cut it out like others have (cough Kairi cough). Revenant has never pressured Loba to mask, and in fact, encourages her not to. I posit that this is the reason she was so reluctant to kill him. Yes, she wanted him to suffer, but she said something really key during Life for a Life: "Better than letting you go". Not 'better than letting you die'. More than anything, Loba wanted to hold onto the freedom to unmask around Revenant and take out her frustrations and trauma on him. When presented with the option of not having that anymore, she had a meltdown. Note: Anita has tried to be Loba's safe person, and prolly very often times is... but not to the extent that Revenant has proven to be. Anita has also had her own issues to work through separate from Loba, including being around her brother again (being that I also think she's on the spectrum sincerely). I believe that one day she can in fact be Loba's safe person again in full, but someday.

[thatiranianphantom]

Okay, yeah, I'm gonna say it.

Wild Cards. I mean, it's a CW show, so we expect little, but I think somehow, I still expected too much.

So anyway, thoughts be under the cut. Just my thoughts, to be fair. If you have different ones, that's cool.

(And my friend, if you click that cut, you know what you're getting into!)

It just feels like....they threw in a bunch of the most typical "case of the week" cliches that usually would work but just...don't?

The characters are flat as HELL. Every single character has 1 (1) personality trait. The only reason Max stands out at all is because the rest of them have the affect of a government office receptionist.

The stories are so instantly forgettable. Like I've watched all 6 currently out episodes to give it a fair chance and frequently forgot what was happening halfway through, because it was just so inconsequential.

IT. IS. SO. BORING. See above point, but at least in Riverdale, you were entertained, last three seasons aside. This show...it's the kind of thing you'd only keep on if you didn't have a remote in reach. The stories are so completely predictable that I feel like one of my preschoolers could map it out.

The case of the week format. Look, it is SO possible to do the case of the week stuff and get you invested in the story and the characters, even if they only appear for one episode. Think of Fish in Wynonna Earp. Chelsea Cole and her mom in Bones. So many examples and yet the stories in all six episodes were just - I don't understand why I am supposed to care about these randos?

The acting. God, it's so bad. I have seen Giacomo do good stuff on Grey's but here he's just as flat as everyone else, with a profoundly uninteresting character to boot. And Vanessa uses absolutely zero inflection in her tone and no facial expressions? The last episode where she was discussing her mother should have been an emotional scene but there was so little emotion in her voice? Compare it to ND where Nancy talks to Birdie about being something more than just a girl who survived a tragedy, and you can hear the emotion in her voice.

I am so confused by how they're presenting Max? They want us to think of her as a genius mastermind criminal who regularly scams people and also a benevolent innocent lil baby and how dare people suggest she may not be trustworthy? She isn't a cop, she's a criminal! This is the entire premise.

They are clearly using all the cliches - the Not Like Other Girls, the Wisecracking Group of Sidekicks, the Unconventional But Effective Methods, the Hidden Emotional Trauma, and of course, the Will They Won't They. But the thing is, there's so little character there, I don't care if they will or won't? Again, it feels like they are throwing in what should be all successful tropes, but they don't hit at all?

Also, before anyone says it, yes I realize they are only six episodes in. But tbh, in all the shows I like, by the 6th episode the plot and characters were quite well established. I don't think I can drag myself through another episode of this show.

[spoonyglitteraunt]

Brains are weird.

I struggled to log in yesterday. As I struggled, and failed, to log in all week. I wanted to, but something about having been gone so long made it feel too overwhelming to face.

Each time I made the decision that Today would be the day, my brain threw up ALL the executive dysfunctioning walls. It just noped out all the way into productively procrastinating on tasks months in the waiting. The accompanying inner monologue fluctuated between predictable to barely making sense.

It's so. much. work. Brain argued. So much backlog to go through and you're so tired. We'll do it tomorrow. (Not entirely unfair, but then I never have energy.)

You've got tasks to do today. You neglected your to do list all month. You'll get distracted. We'll do it tomorrow. (There is always one task more. Always.)

Oh but would you even still be able to follow? (As if the topics here don't shift with the memes wind.) You don't have the attention span today to try and make sense of the newest blorbo/horse-plinko/spn world news. We'll do it tomorrow.

Do you even have a place still? (Yeah, sorry, I've got nothing on this one either.)

Something was rallying the anxiety gremlins, but the "reasons", were really no more than attempted rationalisations for something grinding beneath the surface. Something I could not put my finger on. Something I could only describe as a wordless, undefined, yet all encompassing dread. ... Eventually I managed to force through. I'm glad I did, because in an odd way it felt a little like coming home. I missed the interesting and funny people in my magic box. Missed getting to see what you are all obsessed with getting up to now.

It wasn't until just now that I think I hit upon what was causing the anxiety gremlins' great wall of awful.

You're given balls to juggle. No choice, no guidance (or guidance you can't understand), just one instruction. Whatever you do. Just. Keep. Juggling.

You do your best, yet sooner or later you miss. An unexpected bump, a freak gust of wind, a miscalculation, and you lose your grip. The ball drops. Shattering to pieces on the ground.

Wait... The ball was made of glass? But why? Are other people's balls made of glass? You swear you just saw someone bounce and grab theirs. That one there is on the floor. A bit scuffed, but whole, and ready to be picked up again. So why did yours shatter on impact? Who even makes glass juggling balls and why did no one warn you?

There are a lot of questions and no answers. But the why doesn't really matter. What matters is that your ball is broken. Shards on the floor. Adrenaline in your veins.

You didn't want to drop it. Your tried so hard not to drop it. You tried so hard it hurt. But it's broken now and you can't put it back together.

This is when people take notice. Parents, teachers, authority figures, peers. They look at the shattered ball and don't, can't, won't understand.

It was so easy! They tell you. It was just a few balls, and they barely weigh anything at all. We told you to keep juggling. We told you it was important. Why can you do complicated tricks, but not keep this one tiny ball in the air? Why didn't you just pick it back up? How did you even break it? Were you even trying? Were you even listening? Do you even care?

There is a unique type of trauma that comes from growing up ND (or with a disability too really). Especially when only diagnosed in adulthood.

You've been given glass balls with no warnings, or functional guidance on how to keep them whole. Everyone makes mistakes, but where theirs bounce, yours seem to shatter. And everyone treats that as your fault somehow. It doesn't matter if it was out of your control, and you really did try very hard. Worse even if you are otherwise quite smart or capable. Because then "you have no excuse". But others aren't juggling glass balls. Glass that weighs nor acts like the rubber ones they are using.

So you learn to internalise that every minor mistake. Every minor failing. Every perceived carelessness, or heck even just one less confident grab that could have missed, is a personal failing. Something to incite ire, disproportionate consequences, and rejection.

I think that is what the anxiety gremlins were trying to wall in. The fear that me not having been able to log in for so long was dropping and shattering a ball. The dread that logging in would somehow end in blame and rejection. Even though I didn't choose to get sick, or get thrown a glass curveball.

Obviously, rational me can see that was never going to happen. But the part of my brain impacted by years of undiagnosed ND-ness? Not so much.

It chose to protect. To shield. To avoid. Unable to even properly convey what was going on beyond a general feeling of dread. Because when the shards are on the floor and the adrenaline is in your veins, you don't stand around analysing feelings. You run.

So yeah, brains are weird.

Good thing we're weirder.