#naturally i spent that time trying to make the bible gay

[theythemmer]

YOU VOTED JEDUS???? *sprays you with water* bad. go make 2 throwaway accounts and vote phan to repent! /j

I SHIPPED JEDUS BEFORE I SHIPPED PHAN SO WANTED TO PAY HOMAGE TO THAT 😭 I DIDNT THINK THERE WOULD BE AN ACTUAL COMPETITION

[papirouge]

I saw a post you made about the fall and its consequences, more specifically about women's role and having to be submissive to their husbands. I've always thought about this and think it's weird how many christians don't realize how a loss of independence to your husband was never God's original plan for women, but simply the punishment for us.

I think just like you that this explains many behaviours in both men and women - because the Bible does state that men would want to rule over their wives too. And we could try to explain many things through the so called "male and female socialization" which I do believe in, but then where did those ideas and tendencies to socialize children certain ways depending on their gender came from? And why are they so similar no matter what country or culture their from?

There's definitely a tendency for male domination and female submision in many spheres of life and they literally show even way back in the past. Like a good modern example would be porn and BDSM. Like why are most subs female and doms male? Why is porn so demeaning to women, showing them performing degrading acts while men tend to perform violent ones onto women? Why do men desire these types of acts, why do so many men want to perform acts that are known to hurt women and not bring them any pleasure like sodomy? And why are so many women so easy to guilt trip into these types of acts? We can't pretend like theres much pornography where men are shown doing degrading acts, and usually when they do it's in the context of gay porn.

And me pointing out that men wanting to dominate it's also a consequence of the fall it's not me trying to excuse them or anything, just me pointing out that's not a natural desire nor something that women should tolerate from them. I do try to understand the male perspective in this too, as I realize we're all trying to navigate this fallen world to the best of our abilities. Doesn't mean i'm going to make a male positive blog either, nor am I the type of women to hype men and their masculinity so they won't feel "emasculated" or whatever - thankfully I got mostly spared from being male-identified and i'm pretty female-centered for some reason lol. I wonder why for some of us is easier to shake off all that propaganda and for others it takes years if ever...

I also ponder a lot about how our world would be like if the fall never happened, not only in the context of male-female relations (and female-female and, to a lesser extent, male-male interactions) but life in general. There are some very obvious parts that are taught for an specific time and place, but I wonder how many parts are very specific rules for our fallen world, and how different some would be for Paradise.

The loss of female independence was literally part of the curse of the Fall. When God said "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” it implies this may not be the case before (in Eden). IDK Eve comes off as a pretty independent woman, smart enough to convince her husband to disobey God.

God didn't create Eve as a meek sUbMisSive waifu but rather an eloquent and intellectually independent person able to make her own (although bad lol) decisions. If God wanted Eve to be submissive and emotionally reliant to Adam to the point of not being authorized to argue over his decision/opinions, He would. (and if that was the case, both of them would still be chilling in the garden and the Fall would've never happened)

If anything, God established pickmeism as a curse after the fall lmao

I like the take that basically says "if women were naturally more submissive, men wouldn't have spent the entire history of humanity to try to tame us". You can't tame something that's wired to obey - because there's no need for it. So this whole "female socialization" comes off as circle reasoning : are women really naturally submissive or are they socialized from their birth to be so?

Even God acknowledges this reality because He compels us in the Bible to be submissive to our husband. That's because He knows that's not natural to us, but we have to embrace this behavior in the convenant of marriage because that's how He established it. Good thing Christianity is also cool with celibacy so that women refusing to be submissive to a man can also thrive❤️

I think your surroundings growing up matter A LOT on whether you're male identified. Many people say women who grow up fatherless end up clinging to men more (daddy issues) but I've seen wayyyy to many pickme with their parents still married to believe it lol I actually believe who women who grew up surrounded by positive female figures tend to be more emotionally resistant to male pandering. I know cause I am. I've seen too many women help & support each other to elevate men as thee savior of my female condition lol

And if the fall didn't happen we most likely wouldn't be there chatting on Tumblr dot com bestie 😭 Eve and Adam were chilling with all the animals of the Creation, titties out, eating fruit all day... Homegirl fumbled the bag BIG TIME.

[forsetti]

On Personal Identity: It's Complex And Personal

Once gay marriage was upheld by SCOTUS, the right needed a new, under-represented group to attack in order to placate their base’s lust to make themselves feel superior and punish those they deem inferior.

It took a few years for conservatives to really hone in on who to attack. Finally, their broken moral compass led them right to the transgender community. To the right, transgender individuals have the ick factor of gay people on steroids, and since there are a lot fewer of them, the pushback would be minimal. Many people know someone in their family, someone they love, a close friend, or who is gay. This isn’t true of the trans community. If you are a morally vacuous bully, the farther down you can punch, the better.

Think about this strategy for a moment. The right tried desperately to make gay people their scapegoats for all that was wrong with America, and they lost. They lost big. They got bitch-slapped by Will and Grace, Ellen, and thousands of other examples that gay Americans are as normal, if not more so, than their Bible-thumping neighbors. Instead of learning even the most basic lesson from their loss, the right decided the best thing to do was punch down even farther on the social and cultural ladder. This right here should tell you everything you need to know about modern-day conservatism. As Adam Sewer poignantly stated in The Atlantic about the right, “cruelty is the point.” When it comes to people who identify as transgender, the only question that really matters is, “So fucking what?” Here is where I want to acknowledge that I am not completely aware of the terminology when it comes to people who identify as transgender. I’m trying to learn. If I misidentify or make a mistake in verbiage, I apologize in advance.

What difference does it make to Aunt Freedom and Uncle Tight Ass if anyone, especially people they don’t know and will never encounter, identify as transgender? The answer is, “Not a God damn thing!” There are side arguments about how respecting which pronouns someone wants to be referred to by is an affront to God, the Founding Fathers, and Strunk & White, but they are 100% bullshit. The argument, “Boys/men competing against girls/women is unfair" is specious and nonsensical as “it goes against nature." Especially since almost all of these arguments come from people who haven’t given a damn about women’s sports and/or who have spent years speaking about them derisively. The only time they’ve given a single thought to women’s sports is when they can use them to prop up their bullshit worldview and punch down.

Personal identity isn’t black-and-white. It isn’t something that is defined by others. If it was, then it wouldn’t be called “personal identity."

I have no idea what it is like to identify as part of the LBBTQIA community. I do have an understanding of what it is like to not feel comfortable in your own skin and not be accepted, and this understanding alone makes my heart break for the way the LGBTQIA community is viewed and treated for either being comfortable with who they are or for trying to be. I grew up in a very small town in a very sparsely populated county in rural Idaho. Anyone on the outside looking in would assume I fit in perfectly. I was a white, Christian, straight male in a society that was 99.999% run and dominated by white, Christian, straight males. Hell, I came from an upper-middle-class family, and my father held a prominent position in the community and the local church. You couldn’t script a more perfect character to play the lead part in “Fits Right The Fuck In.” However, never, not once, did I ever feel like I fit in. Who I am, how I feel about myself, and who I know I was (not wanted to be but was) never fit the role I was “born to" and “written for me.” I wanted to fit in. I tried to fit in. I did everything I possibly could to fit in. All of this led to anger and frustration. When I was growing up, this anger and frustration were mostly directed at the community in which I lived because I blamed them for not fitting in. While they were a big part of the problem, I was just as culpable. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t.

It took a number of years for me to truly realize not only that I was part of the problem of trying to fit into something or somewhere to which I didn’t belong, but also that I needed to begin to discover who I was or am. While I was going to college at Utah State University, I got glimpses of this, but that was even closer to being realized because Logan, Utah, was only an hour away from my hometown and only slightly less regressive and repressive.

It wasn’t until I attended graduate school at Michigan State University that I really started to be me. I’m pretty sure this is why I feel such a strong bond to East Lansing, where I still live, going on year thirty-eight of a five-year plan. Even through all of this, I still don’t really feel comfortable in my own skin. I never really feel like I belong in just about any social situation. I’m not sure if these feelings are remnants of past experiences and conditioning; there are still parts of me that haven’t been realized, or something else. What I do know is that these sixty-plus years of feeling lost, not fitting in, and not being myself have not been kind to my psyche. I cannot even begin to imagine how someone in the LGBTQIA community must feel because they have all the things I’ve felt at much higher levels and so many more pressures, abuses, and ridicule to the nth degree. Whenever I’m in a group situation where they ask everybody to identify themselves and say a little bit about themselves when it is my turn, I give the boilerplate answer but finish with, “Something most people don’t know about me is that on the weekends, I dance under the name “Raven.”” I say this as a joke, but there is an underlying, not true, but possible truth to it. I’ve always leaned more toward the cultural definition of “feminine.” Almost all of my friends throughout my life have been women. I feel at home around women. I’ve always preferred to have longer hair. In a group of men, I have absolutely never felt I fit in. There is a rooster inside of me. It took me a while to understand this, but it is absolutely true.

Not being who you truly feel you are and are supposed to be is a horrible feeling. Why on earth would anyone deny this to someone else? Why would anyone go out of their way to punish and/or ridicule people, either trying to discover this for themselves or for fully realizing it? All the answers I’ve seen given to justify these behaviors are specious at best and batshit crazy at worst. Don’t give me some bullshit argument and try and substitute it for an argument against the transgender community - What if someone identifies as a serial killer or child molester? Are we supposed to be okay with that?” Sell crazy somewhere else.  The transgender community harms society. No one is being harmed by someone from the LGBTQIA community being true to how they feel about themselves. No one is being harmed by honoring which pronouns someone wants to be referred to by. NO ONE. Every single argument or example you can make that tries to say otherwise is 100% rectally extracted. The vast majority of pedophiles who are grooming children are Christian youth pastors, the clergy, and members of your local police force, not the LGBTQIA community.

Pronouns: We're having a hissy-fit over pronouns? How dumb is that? A lot of people I know don’t use their given names. My maternal grandfather went by his middle name his whole life. One of my brothers has gone by three different names over the years. How did this affect my life? I’m sure I probably referred to my brother by an outdated name once or twice, only to be corrected, and then I moved the fuck along. In other words, it didn’t affect my life one scintilla. If it did, then the only reason would have been that I was the problem. Pronouns: Part II: This isn’t about proper names. This is about “men” wanting to be referred to as “she/her/they.” This is social and linguistic chaos.” Is it? Is it, really? Do you need the world to be so black and white and so perfectly defined that any ambiguity or things that go against your preconceived norms are automatically labeled “bad” or "dangerous"? The world is a very, very, very complex place. I understand the desire to have it make sense on every single level, every time, all the time. However, that isn’t reality. That is, you want to force reality to fit your worldview. The world is always going to win that battle. You're not accepting its complexity doesn’t impact it at all. The only one who suffers in this situation is you. The world doesn’t give a fuck about your feelings, your beliefs, your preconceptions, what your mom and dad taught you, or what your preacher said last Sunday.

Attire: Does it matter what someone else wears? How does Bob, who now goes by Sarah, wearing makeup, a dress, and pumps impact your life? I'm pretty sure it doesn't, and if it does, you are the problem. Does this make you feel uncomfortable? So? I have a deep, visceral reaction to people eating cheesecake, cauliflower, and dozens of other foods. As repulsive as these things are to me, I’m not advocating for any laws against them. Their personal preference doesn’t really affect me in any meaningful way. Also, why is it so damn important to be able to perfectly identify someone by how they dress? Are men’s egos so fragile they can’t stand the thought of someone thinking they are a woman or being wrong when they hit on or catcall someone? (This is a rhetorical question because we all know the answer is a resounding "yes.") However, this isn’t the fault of the person wearing the clothes, no more than it is when a woman in a “skimpy” dress is raped. They aren’t the problem. They aren’t the cause of or responsible for the actions of others. Bathrooms: Since when do you see someone’s genitals in a bathroom unless you intentionally look at them? If a transgender woman walks into a women’s bathroom, there aren’t any urinals (because there are none). You aren’t seeing their plumbing unless you bust down a door and start poking around. If this happens, who is the “weirdo” here? I’m pretty sure it is you. I’m really not sure I understand the fear here. The Children—the go-to when all your other arguments have epically failed. “I don’t want some guy in a public restroom when my daughter is in there.” The question has to be asked again: “How do you know it is a “guy””? Do you feel up to everyone who goes into a women’s restroom whenever your daughter is in there? If you do, you should be arrested because you are a pervert. Transgender women aren’t using the ladies' room to hit on your daughters. They are using the ladies' room because, wait for it, they need to use the ladies' room. Why is it that there are no bathroom sexual assaults in countries where same-sex bathrooms are normal? I find it very odd that the people who worry the most about their daughters being molested in bathrooms by the LGBTQIA community have no worries in the world about them being around church leaders, the police, male family members, or neighbors—the people who are absolutely most likely to assault them. I’d happily have my daughter babysat by anyone I know in the LGBTQIA community over a youth pastor, scoutmaster, or self-professed Christian. The Children: Part II: How am I supposed to explain to my children about transgenders?” Easily. Be honest. Be straightforward. Answer whatever questions you can, and whenever you can’t, be honest about them too. Kids have an amazing ability to grasp complexity and be okay with ambiguity. What they can always sniff out are bullshit and hypocrisy.

Cultural conditioning is a big part of how/why we identify the way we do, but other things are at play. Genetics, experiences, and sometimes just an innate sense—you don’t belong to the group others have placed you in. I often ask myself, “What would my life be like if I felt more like Raven if that was the dominant side of who I am?” I honestly don’t know what the answer to this question will be. What I do know is the very existence of this question gives me a small understanding of the LGBTQIA community. It is quite possible that I will never really know who I am or feel comfortable in my own skin. If that is the outcome, so be it. No matter what happens, I never want someone else to feel this way, to any degree, and I will never know why anyone would not only not understand this but go out of their way to make the situation worse.

Being comfortable in your own skin isn't something an outsider can really understand or judge. Why is someone else's happiness anyone else's concern if it doesn't directly affect them? It doesn’t unless you stretch and bend the definition of 'directly' in ways that defy linguistics, logic, and ethics.

[coffeeman777]

The following is a response to a reply by @aftergoodfriday on this post.

So, yes, I know full well that evil occurs in churches all the time. I'm the son of a pastor. I've been in church all my life. I've traveled with my parents to hundreds of churches, and visited many more on my own after becoming an adult. I've met lots of evil people who claim to be Christians. I've seen first hand how bad some people claiming to be Christians can be.

Two years ago, at my old church, my daughters (who were 4 and 6 at the time) were inappropriately touched by a teenager at a church function. The leadership of the church rallied around the teen that touched them and insisted that we all move on as if nothing happened; they insisted that my little girls' testimony was insufficient for any action on the leadership's part. We went through a long and painful back and forth with that church, the police were involved, it was a whole thing.

I know that there are wicked people claiming to be Christians. I also know that there are plenty of militant atheists on the internet that play games trying to make Christians look bad, and/or blaspheme God. I've had more experience with these types than I wish I did. One particular example, years ago, I received a series of anonymous asks from a Christian claiming that the Bible taught that we should be mean to and hurt gay people. I took them seriously and responded as if it was real. I then got an ask from them that apparently was supposed to be anonymous, but wasn't. I checked out their blog, and the person was a gay militant atheist; the entire discussion was a troll. That kind of thing has happened numerous other times.

While it's not possible to always know for sure, there are common traits in most troll messages I get: something egregiously bad happens, usually sexual in nature (a parent has molested the asker, or their partner raped them, or their pastor has raped them, or something like that) which is entirely possible, but then the asker (who usually claims to be a Christian, or at least claims they used to be) says things about other Christians, or about God, that are consistent with the typical internet atheist caricature of God and of Christians, and completely inconsistent with basic Biblical concepts and typical Christianity. In the case of the ask in focus here, the asker said that "God commands men to take what they want," which is consistent with the common anti-Christian slur that Christianity is abusive towards women. The same goes for the church telling the asker that they're a whore. The asker then goes on to say, "Why did God tell my boyfriend to rape me?" I find it very hard to believe that anyone who's spent any time reading the Bible or going to a typical church would draw such a conclusion; but an internet atheist troll type would definitely beg the question in that way.

When the asker claimed that no one in the church would believe them and they all thought they were a whore, that convinced me. In every situation of evil like this in a church that I've experienced or been made aware of, including my own situation, it's never the case that the entire church unites in covering up or hiding the evil. No doubt there are exceptions, like random off-shoot cults and such (which aren't actually Christian anyway), but this definitely wouldn't be common. In my case, many people in the church stood up for us, and more than a few left the church when we did. This is a typical, normal church response to things like this.

When the trolls play these games, they're trying to denigrate Christianity; they blaspheme God and slander the way of truth, and try to do it in such a way so as to damage the faith of other Christians. They dress up their asks to seem genuine, but include their exaggerated jabs at God and/or Christianity. When I see the red flags in an ask (and it happens frequently), I assume it's a troll, but almost always answer in good faith anyway. If I see enough red flags though, I'll delete the ask. This particular one I was tempted to delete, but I ended up feeling like I should answer. And I answered it in the way that I did because I want to be honest. If it's a troll like I believe it is, I want the readers to know it. If it's actually real, then I want to offer some help. But what I can't and won't do is pretend it's real when I don't believe it is. No one is helped by dishonesty.

I appreciate your criticism; I think all of us should help keep all of us in check. But I don't believe my response here to be at all out of line. This isn't the first time I've responded in this way, and it won't be the last. I have to walk a tight rope sometimes, on the one hand extending help, grace, and mercy to people that need it, and on the other hand rebuking and exposing darkness, as the Scripture says to do. I'm not perfect, and I will get it wrong unintentionally from time to time. But I have to do what I believe to be right in the moment.

[alleycat97]

Daughter in Law

Queen B

Pairing: Chloe x MC (Bea)

I have no idea why I wrote this. It’s been in my drafts for months so I decided to finish it. Part 1? Maybe a second if it goes well. Angst/fluff/homophobic issues when coming out.

“Chloe relax. You need to breathe it’s just my parents they’re not going to bite.” Bea said reassuring a very nervous Chloe.

“I know I just want to make a good impression on them. You did tell them we were coming right?”

“Well ya see babe, I totally forgot to mention it and I’m so sorry. I figured a surprise would be better?” Bea tried.

“Bea!!! Do they even know you’re gay?” Chloe asked hushing herself. “Last time we talked about it, you were still hiding it.”

The silence coming from Bea was enough to answer Chloe’s question. This was going to be terrible, so much for a great first impression.

“So you’re telling me I’m about to meet my girlfriends parents on their farm halfway across the country in Hicktown USA and they don’t even know we’re coming and they don’t know their daughter is bringing her girlfriend. Sure...this isn’t a bad idea.” Chloe mumbled.

“It’ll be fine. I hope.” Bea trailed off. “My parents will love you and my decisions no matter what. Now relax, put on your pretty face and get out, we’re here.”

Chloe was impressed indeed, for being in the middle of Iowa, The Hughes Family had a beautiful home. It was filled with beautiful trees and the air was filled with....was that crap? “What is that smell Bea?”

“Fresh air babe, just good ol country air.”

At the sound of car doors closing, the front door to the extravagant farm house opened and an older couple came out.

“Bea!? Is that you?” The woman asked quickly making a beeline for Bea, scooping her up in a hug.

“Welcome home kiddo, you should have told us you were coming.” The man said sauntering over patting Bea on the back.

“I figured this would be better, I hope you guys are surprised!”

“We are indeed. Now who is your friend?” The woman spoke looking over Bea’s shoulder directly at Chloe.

“Mom, Dad. This is Chloe, my girlfriend. Chloe this is my mom, Linda, and my father, Mark.”

The air grew still as Bea announced Chloe to her parents. Her mother looked uneasy and her father was clearly startled.

“I’ve got fencing to do. I’ll see you at supper.” Mark said walking off towards his farm shop.

“But Mark! Bea just drove all of this way to see us.” Linda protested.

“And I told you I’ve got fencing to do. Now I best be tending to it.” Mark grumbled getting further away.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here.” Chloe spoke trying to blame this on herself.

“Now don’t you go blaming yourself young lady. We are glad to have you here.” Linda replied to the girls relief. “Now y’all go get settled in and wash up for supper. It’ll be ready in a few hours.”

Chloe and Bea drug their luggage up to Bea’s old room and the guest room down the hall. Bea naturally had a few bags but spent the majority of her time lugging Chloe’s endless supply of bags into her room for her. “That’s the last of them babe. I really don’t see why you need all these bags...” Bea stopped when she heard Chloe snoring on the bed and went to tuck her in, road trips and Chloe didn’t mix.

Bea took the oppurnity to head downstairs to help her mother fix supper. Fresh fried chicken, sweet corn and baked potatoes.

“Do you think dad is upset with me?” Bea casually asked.

“I don’t know sweetie. You know how he is. I think part of him believed that with you going off to that fancy school, you’d bring home a man and he’d finally have the son we could never have.”

“But it shouldn’t matter who I bring home right?”

“I agree honey. But your dad is a man, a man who comes from a long line of men who believe in the samething. It’s going to take him awhile to come around.”

“And what about you? How do you feel about this?” Bea asked setting the table.

“I really wish you would have called and told me how you felt. So I would have time to adjust to this. But I think she’s a beautiful young girl and she seems to make you happy and that’s all I care about. So I’m perfectly ok with this as long as she makes you happy.”

Bea couldn’t help the smile forming at the thought of her girlfriend. “Oh she does. She’s sassy, she knows what she wants and how to get it. She’s crazy beautiful and she actually listens to me. She knows what I need before I ask and I don’t know how, but she’s always one step ahead of me.”

“Sounds like you have a winner Bea.” Linda smiled.

“I sure hope so, I think I love her, and I mean really really love her.” Bea stopped her gushing when her father stepped into the kitchen.

“How was your fencing dad?”

Mark took a deep breath and calmly tried to answer, “Busy as usual.”

Bea sighed at her fathers few words. He was definitely not thrilled with her right now. And to add fuel to the fire, Chloe stumbled her way into the kitchen to join the soon to be circus.

The four of them sat at the table, Chloe uncomfortably across from Mark. He was staring her down hard and it was clear he wasn’t thrilled to have her eating at his table.

“So Chloe is it? Tell me, since you go to school with Bea, is there a required course for sexual education, or a bible study course? I know a few ago could benefit from such courses.”

What the hell was that? Bea thought. That was random but she knew what he was doing.

“I’m not sure?” Chloe replied.

“Tell us about you then? What is your major?”

“I...I don’t have a set in stone one yet. I haven’t decided.” Chloe admitted.

“So you’re telling me you’re a junior in college, and have no idea what you want to do in life. Bea are you sure this is the one you want supporting you?” Mark asked.

“Daddy enough! You’re putting words into Chloe’s mouth.”

“I am not! I asked her what her major was and she doesn’t know. That tells me more than enough. That’s the problem with that school. All the rich kids pay tuition to screw around and all the kids who earned their spot pack them in academics. All the rich kids care about is partying and corrupting the innocent minds of the good kids.” He said staring directly at Chloe.

“Thank you for dinner it was wonderful.” Chloe said wiping her mouth and running upstairs.

“Daddy you’re such a fucking jerk!” Bea said slamming her napkin down and chasing after Chloe.

“What did I say?” Mark asked innocently.

“Mark you know damn well. That is your daughter and someone who she really cares about. We’ve been married for 26 years and I’ve loved you every minute of it until now. I’m so ashamed of you.” Linda said jerking his dinner plate away from him to clean it.

“I just don’t understand where we went wrong.” Mark hissed watching his wife do the dishes.

“We!?” Linda stopped to stare daggers into her husband. “WE haven’t done anything wrong. YOU have.”

“Oh come on Linda. How can you be ok with your daughter bringing home a girl? I didn’t send her to that school to become gay. I sent her there to get a top notch education and find a man to help tend this farm and give us a house full of grandkids.”

“Mark, please listen to what you just said. It’s Bea’s life, not yours. We have to respect whatever decision she makes and that girl makes her gush and she loves her Mark. She makes Bea happy. Why can’t you accept that?” Linda stormed off leaving him mulling over his thoughts.

“Chloe?” Bea said desperately knocking on her door. “Please sweetie let me in.”

She could hear Chloe quietly sobbing on the bed, this was gonna be hard Bea thought as she collapsed against the door.

Linda approached quietly tapping on Bea’s shoulder, “If I may, I think it’s time for operation shingle shuffle.”

Bea couldn’t help but giggle at the memory of how operation shingle shuffle came about. It was her escape route when she needed to get away or hide out.

Bea went to her room and climbed onto the roof and started walking to the next window which was Chloe’s room. She entered and sat on the window seal taking in the crying blonde fetaled on the bed.

“Careful.” Bea started scaring Chloe. “You’re gonna ruin that pretty sweater with all them tears.”

“Go away.” Chloe mumbled. “I wanna be alone.”

“Ok.” Bea moved to climb back onto the roof when Chloe’s voice stopped her.

“No please. Don’t leave me.”

Bea’s heart shattered at the weakness in Chloe’s voice. She hurried over and gathered her girl in a hug. Slowly rubbing her back to comfort her.

“Chloe I’m so sorry. I never knew he would act that way.”

“Am I really that terrible?” Chloe asked sulking.

“No! Chloe you are amazing. Please don’t listen to my dad. He’s just not acclimated to this yet. I know he’s fighting it but I know he will come around.”

“And if he doesn’t? Bea, I cannot go through another altercation like that.”

“If he doesn’t? Then we pack up and never come back.”

“What?! This is your home, your parents! You would throw them away like that?”

“Chloe listen to me. Yes they are my parents and I love them. But I’m madly in love with you and right now, I need you way more than I need them. You are my entire world right now and hopefully for a long time.”

Chloe cried harder at the revelation, she knew how special this was, but to hear how much she meant to Bea, made her pride overwhelm her.

“I love you to Bea. So much. But I want this blessing, I want your parents approval.”

“Chloe?” Bea asked questioning her girlfriend. “That’s not necessary.”

“I don’t care what I have to do. I’m going to prove to your dad I’m not a loser and I am perfect for you. HE WILL RESPECT ME.”

Bea wasn’t about the argue. She knew when Chloe set her mind on something, she was bound and determined to do it.

Chloe pulled her phone out to set an early alarm, “Will 9:30 be early enough to start working?”

“Um Chloe? We start milking cows at 5am.”

Chloe nearly fainted, she’s never woken up before 7 am in her life. “5am!? That’s...that’s way too early! Can’t we start later?”

Bea snorted, she loved what was about to transpire in the morning. Chloe wasn’t a morning person at all. “Goodnight babe.” Bea kissed Chloe’s forehead. “See you at 5.”

[neverendingstories00]

a winnix! found family au with easy company as kids part one out of a million!!

hi, hello! i’m back on my bullshit again. the creativity train had once stopped at my brain. I may have a thousand wip’s but tonight I’ve decided to focus solely on this one. also a ton of credit to @apairofwingsforme for rambling with me about this idea, thanks buddy! anyways, my mind is literally a terrifying place 😁 please send help. i’m literally at my breaking point

Also this is part one out of..a lot! I wanna write a fic of this, but school is a bitch. This is just winnix at the moment, but I promise I’ll start talking about easy company as kids and how chaotic it is. Literally. Child! Luz is going to be a little monster. But hey, only seven more weeks!!

It's a modern au. Both dick and Lew have been married for seven years and are happier than ever.

Okay! But before the found family part, time for the backstory!

dick and lew both met in college when there were in the same intro to marketing class. dick was struggling in the class and absolutely despised Lew, who he stereotyped as a “typical New Yorker '' as Dick donned his bean boots and flannel shirts. However, Dick learned not to make assumptions about people. Their study sessions would turn into long conversations about the newest episode of Mad Men, their families in Lancaster and Manhattan, etc. Dick and Lew grew to be best friends.

Dick felt strange around Lew. He wanted to hate him, but he couldn't. He would catch himself staring at Lew for too long and a strange feeling in his stomach. Lew caught onto this, but said nothing. He was overthinking it. Dick was the poster catholic boy with his outfits head to toe from LL Bean, carried a tiny bible in his backpack, etc. Lew knew Dick was too good for him. Besides, there was no way he would be gay.

One thing led to another and the complicated relationship between Dick and Lew changed. Dick had sworn off alcohol, but had no idea that the orange juice was a screwdriver. Dick got intoxicated and Lew dragged him back to his dorm. Next thing he knew, Lew woke up, cuddled with Dick in his neat dorm room.

After that little incident, things became awkward. They were in their senior year; friends for four years and the awkward tension was high between them. After they graduated, there was an afterparty held at their old farneity. Dick, of course, had won vladicictroain and Lew won salutadorian (shockingly). Dick knew that if it wasn’t for Lew three years ago, he wouldn’t be where he is.

So in a little corner, Dick walked up to Nixon and gifted him an apple pie, fresh from The Winter’s farm in Lancaster, thanking him for all he’s done for him. Nixon smirked and knew that Dick would give him some pie, but he was still nice about it. He took Dick to his room and gave him cufflinks that he bought especially for Dick from Nordstrom because during their freshman year, Dick was in charge of planning events in their fraternity. It was movie night and in 2007, Casino Royale was all the hype. Nobody came to the movie night since there was a huge football game and party after. Dick sat there, popcorn all made and even pushed the coaches together, and nobody showed up. He considered just packing up and calling it a night until he heard the door slam open. As he was cleaning up, Dick ran right into Lew.

“Hi, hello. Sorry I’m late, I was busy doing...stuff.”

“Oh,” Dick would reply, “I was just packing up.”

“What movie?”

“Casino Royale. Nobody’s coming though.”

“Well, is the popcorn still hot?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, consider me your customer.”

Dick and Lew watched the movie. Lew never shuts up during the film. Dick talks ethier to tell Lew to be quiet or that he loves Daniel Craig’s cufflinks. Lew made a mental note of that.

The night of graduation, stuffed in Dick’s little dorm room, was the last time Dick and Lew ever saw each other. For a while, atleast. They had a heated makeuout session that followed with awkward but passionate sex. The next morning, it was a screaming match between Lew and Dick. Dick didn’t even remember what it was about-he was too upset. He simply finished packing, threw the stuff into the back of his subaru outback, and drove back to Lancaster.

Seven years flew by, and Dick and Lew hadn’t spoken a word. Both of them were no longer twenty two year old’s who had no idea what they were doing with their life-they were now twenty nine, both trying to figure out their lives.

Dick worked as an accountant in Philadelphia, Boston, Hartford, and jumped around the east coast. He didn’t really enjoy his job so he went back to Franklin and Marshall to become a History Teacher. He had been looking for work for some time and eventually found a teaching job at a boy’s school in Bronxville. It was a job, after all.

So Dick arrives in Bronoxville and gets an email. He recognizes the last time-it’s Lew. He heard about Dick moving and wanted to catch up. Dick was new to Bronoxville and as reluctant as he was, he agreed to meet with Lew.

Lew and Dick meet at Rosie’s, a nice little Italian restaurant in the middle of Bronoxville. Lew surprises Dick, and greets him with a “going my way?”. Lew looks different; he’s gotten more handsome with age, his hair is shorter but still unruly with a tint of gray, and there’s a good amount of stubble. He hasn’t changed one bit.

Their first meeting went well. Just like Dick, Lew had a rocky start after college. Lew had foolishly gotten married to some girl he had gone to boarding school with. They barely lasted a year, and Lew left the marriage with a child he had no custody with and a large penthouse in Tribeca. Life had been lonely. He worked as an economist for a while, but hated the job and quit. With no job and a failing marriage, Lew turned to one resort; alcohol. He had nobody and nothing left in life.

Dick could see the fire that was once in Lew slowly dying out. The once sarcastic and dry Lew became a self--deprecating and lonely man with too much money and time on his hands. Naturally, Dick pitied him. He could see that Lew still loved him-if he didn’t, then how did he find out about Dick moving to Bronxville? How did he find out about Dick’s new job? Why did Lew take Dick to the nicest restaurant in Bronxville. And still, even though seven years had gone by, Dick was still in love with Lew. He’d come up in his thoughts once and while, but now, when faced with him-it was hard to resist those old feelings.

Dick was worried about Lew. So being the Architect he is (mbti type wise, he’s an INTJ), he creates a plan. Lew comes down from the city to Bronxivlle on Fridays and they meet at Rosies. They catch up on their week. From court cases to annoying students, the little things that they share each make their day a little better.

Dick was well aware of Lew’s alcoholism. It was noticeable in college, but it seemed to have worsened as Lew got older. Dick encouraged Lewis to go to therapy. When things had gotten to the worst, Lew enrolled in rehab (all thanks to Dick). He saw the stubbornness in Dick and the clear frustration. Dick wasn’t one for emotions, but when he saw Lewis with a bloody forehead because he fell down the stairs, barely able to speak, Dick sobbed in the waiting room at the hospital. Lewis had never seen Dick ever be that emotional. He was hurt.

That’s when Lewis realized two things. One, he needed to fix himself. If he kept living this deductive lifestyle, he could end up dead. He didn’t want that. And Two, as much as he repressed it-he was still in love with Dick.

Lew finally deals with his issues, ranging from alcohol to his childhood trauma and abuse. It was all with the help of Dick. Dick was there for him every step on the way, playing the role as that supportive friend. Here they were, two thirty year olds. Lew would’ve never imagined being friends with a Quaker that was too good for him, but there he was.

One night, after they had dinner at Rosies, Dick and Lew go back to Dick’s tiny little colonial house. It’s not his house, but a shared apartment. It’s small, but it’s something. Lew is shocked by the living conditions, and Dick simply finds the place charming. They laugh, lock eyes, and next thing they know their lips are clashing together, rushing to take off their clothes as they fit onto Dick’s small bed.

Seven years later, they finally realize they're in love with each other and officially start dating. Dick moves to Lew’s apartment and they live there together for a while. Both getting sick of their lives in the city, Lew decides they need a break from the city and the states.

A year later, Lew proposes to Dick at Rosies, all thanks to the help of Anne Winters, Blanche, Kitty Gorgan, and Harry Welsh. Dick happily accepts, and yes; he sheds a tear. And so does Lew. Everybody sheds a solid tear; it’s a beautiful moment.

Three days before their wedding, Dick and Lew elope on the rooftop of their apartment complex. They invite the same people who helped Lewis propose to Dick. It’s a small and intimate ceremony. Their dance song is “Flightless Bird, American Mouth”. They wanted to get married without the big crowd and Lewis’s “rich jerk friends'' and “daddy’s money”.

For the next seven years, Dick and Lew travel the world. They live all over Europe. From London, To Austria, to Tokyo-they do it all. Dick always ends up sunburnt and Lew is always wearing his classic aviators, wanting to take a photo of Dick. Whenever they go to a new location, Lew always forces Dick to pose next to something, whether that be the La Fontana Dei Quattro Fiumi or the Tokyo tower, and then he sets the photo as his lock screen. Now THAT is romance right there.

Seven years of travel is a lot. Dick and Lew traveled back to the states once in a while for Holidays, but spent most of their time overseas. They are both now in their late thirties and a little exhausted from travel.

Whenever they go to a forgien country, Lew has a tendency to buy shot glasses from each country even though he’s sworn off drinking. I just want to imagine Lew, dragging Dick into a little chaka shop and being like “Oh look darling! Aren’t these adorable” and Dick would just sigh.

So after their final destination, Greece, Dick and Lew decide to retreat back to the states. They don’t wanna live in the city, so they choose to move to the quaint Lancaster. Dick mentioned that he and his friends used to go explore this abandoned farmhouse that wasn’t too far from where he used to live (about 20 mins). Lew wants to be a romantic so he decides to pay a whole lotta money to revinate the barn into a modern mansion. Here’s a picture for reference. Lew goes the extra mile and Dick is like “ *insert eye roll emoji* lew, were two people. Lew would give him a little kiss on the cheek, “and? I’m making room for the dogs.

Oh I should add that Lew officially retires (he has loads of money, it’s called inheritance baby!) while Dick considers it, but chooses not too. He chooses to live the peaceful life of a farmer.

OKAY, but here is the very juicy part

Reminder that there house is like...fucking huge. Like ridiculously big. Like there are so many rooms, and they are furnished. Like what is the point of having furnished rooms if you only have two people living in the house??

Also Lew and Dick adopt a whole armanda of dogs. If you want specifics, they have a collie named Lassie, two westie named Lovey and Duffer, A carin named Toto, Beethoven the St.Bernard, and Copper the hound dog. Oh-and that’s the start. So. Many. BUNNIES.

Dick knows Lew. He already has a child that he’s unfortunately not been able to raise since he barely has custody over his child. He seems to like his own dogs over his children. Dick doesn’t mind. Sure, he’s worked with kids, but he’s okay not having them. He does like his dogs, after all.

Harry, Dick and Lew’s best friend from college, doesn’t live far from them. He’s been married to his college sweetheart, Kitty, for five years. Together, they have a little son named Louie. Harry comes over a lot with Louie, and Louie plays with the dogs in the backyard. Dick’s a very observant person; he sees the relationship between Louie, the dogs, Lewis, and Harry. Lewis doesn’t mind Louie. Actually, he likes the kid. He’ll run around the backyard with Louie and their dog.

So Dick starts thinking about children. Maybe he’s changed his mind; maybe he wants a kid. One or two would be fine. It could be through adoption, help a family out or a kid who’s stuck in the system. Dick is like a mother when he wants to help others around him.

One night, Dick and Lew are sitting in bed. Did I mention all the dogs sleep in their bed. When shopping for furniture, Lew wanted to pick out a bed to fit all of the animals they were gonna have. Dick didn’t like the idea and made the dogs all sleep in their crates. But one night, Lew walked in on Dick snoring, lovey and dovey tucked right next to his stomach and feet. Lew once again, takes a photo, and shows it to Dick, who’s as red as a tomato.

Dick does a little sigh and Lew looks up from his book, his reading glasses slipping down his nose. He’d be like “oh, what is it now sweetheart?”

“We have such a big house, Lew. Twenty rooms and only two people live in the house-”

“Actually Six dogs and three rabbits. The dogs sleep with us and the rabbits...wherever they sleep.”

“Lew, I know you don’t like children but-”

Lew holds up Toto, who tilts her head. “But look at her! Yeah, you’re a good girl aren’t you? Daddy's little girl!”

“You love Louie-”

“Yeah, cause he’s not mine. He’s a nice kid. But children, especially teenagers, are the devils of this earth. You need to fear them, pay for them, do all kinds of stuff. With dog’s it’s easier.”

“I love our animals, but just one or two. We have so much space in the house. Help out a child who needs it. I know you don’t wanna admit it, but your great with kids-”

“Not my own. I don’t even know my own daughter. Kathy got married to some damn twink. How the hell do you think I’d be a good father?”

Dick gives him that *insert pouty emoji* look. “Just think about, Lew.”

So Lew actually thinks about. He walks around the house, feeling and seeing the quietness. They do have thousands of empty rooms and a little too much freetime on their hands. Plus, Lew hates the puppy eye stare Dick gives him.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #298

“i don’t like what i am becoming  /  wish i could just feel something”

Do you have sensitive skin? Very. Do you wear necklaces or earrings more? Just my tragus piercing, really. I only ever wear a necklace sometimes if I'm taking a "nice" picture. Rings or bracelets? I currently don't wear any bracelets, but I do always have one ring on. How many toilets are in your house? Two. Is your current crush younger than you? By just a couple years. Are you a lighter complexion than your father? Yes; he's very tan, especially his arms from being a mailman. Ranch or barbeque sunflower seeds? I don't like sunflower seeds. Do you know the first five books of the Bible in order? No. Do you have a pet fish? Nah, they're not my thing. Do you believe being gay is a choice or a "disorder"? Neither; I believe it's a genetic mutation. It defies biology and the very motive for life, but I always say that a mutation does not, in any way, equate to "wrong." I am extremely adamantly pro-gay rights and bisexual myself, so I can't shit-talk it. What are some of your favourite sounds? Crunching leaves, rain gently tapping on windows, windchimes, birdsong... mainly nature sounds. There are others, I'm just blanking right now. Are you a warm weather or cold weather person? Cold, 100%. What time do you wake up? What for? This spans over a massive gap, honestly... I can wake up as early as 5 or as late as 9:30. Most often, it's pretty early, and I call that my "trial" of being awake, lol... because I will almost without fail go back to sleep for a couple more hours. Hell, that happens even if I sleep on the later side. Do you ever listen to music to fall asleep to? I used to do that in middle and maybe some of high school, I think; I'd fall asleep with my iPod on and earbuds in. I haven't done that in a very long time, though. Could you spend the rest of your life with someone who had bad taste in music? ... Yes? Their taste in music has nothing to do with them as a person???? Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for? No, and it's best I don't. Have you ever wanted to get drunk and get your mind off everything? Yes, and that's how I found out I'm far from a lightweight. I wasn't going to drink more than I actually wanted to drink just to get wasted. Did you love playing hide and seek as a kid? Yeah. Who is the last child you held? My youngest niece. Have you ever woken up not knowing where you were? Maybe for a few moments after my surgery? I don't really recall. When is the last time you made the wrong choice in anything? Every fucking day when I decide what to do with my time. What is the most interesting thing in the room you are in? My snake, I guess. She's a champagne morph ball python. When washing your hands, do you wet your hands or put soap on first? I put on soap first. When was the hardest you ever cried? What was the circumstance? Probably when Mom literally dragged me home after I tried to walk to Jason's to talk the night of the breakup. I lost my fucking mind. Which gift cards do you have in your wallet? I don't think I have any. Coke or Pepsi? Coke. I hate Pepsi. What is better: cute smile, or amazing eyes? A cute smile. What song are you listening to? "Drilled a Wire Through My Cheek" by Blue October is on currently. Name your best friend(s): Sara. Do you know any mechanical stuff about cars? Nope. Last night you felt? I wasn't suicidal, but still kinda wanted to die lmao. Do you still watch Disney channel? No. How do you like your eggs? I only enjoy them scrambled, and preferably with cheese. What’s your all-time favorite song? "False Flags" by Massive Attack. If you could be any TV character, who would you be and why? Idk, I don't watch TV enough. Maybe Donna from That '70s Show. Very strong and independent, outspoken, and not to mention she has great taste. I find her to be a good female character to look up to. Do you ever come up with really good ideas for stories or movies? Do you do anything with them? Yeah; I'll try to integrate them into RP characters and plots. What sort of things do you post on your Tumblr? Vintage photos, screen caps, girly things? It's a Markiplier cesspit lmao. Sometimes I'll reblog shit I find funny. I've been very inactive on it, though. Have you ever had a dream that you couldn’t shake, even for days after you woke up? Oh yes. When was the last time you felt like a nuisance, or unwanted? Recently, I'm sure. When was the last time your dreams were crushed, or at least hindered? I dunno. How’s school going? I'm not in school. Are you angry at anyone right now? Myself. The last person to say they loved you? Mom. When is the last time you laughed hard? Hard? I'm really not sure. Are there any words on your shirt? No, it's just a blank black tank. Does it take a lot to make you cry? NOPE. Do you tell your parents everything? No. Do you get bored easily? I'm bored to the point of thinking being dead would be more fun at some point almost every day. I have anhedonia badly. I'm honestly starting to think I've over-medicated to a numbing degree so am trying to wean off some things. Have you ever burned someone's picture? No. How long was your last nap? Maybe three hours? I was really, really tired, though. Can you name the last time you felt happy? Probably when Sara and I talk-talked for the first time in a while. When was the last time you played with sidewalk chalk? Oh, I have zero clue. Probably not since I was a kid. Do you have friends obsessed with World of Warcraft? Bro wtf don't @ me. Have you ever punched a hole in the wall? No. Have you ever told someone you hated them? The only time I've seriously said that was to my dad before we reconciled after the divorce. What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to? I actually don't remember... Favorite thing to do on Facebook? See The Memes. Do you wear flip flops, regardless of weather, all the time? I SAID don't @ me. What is in store for your future? I both do and don't want to know. Have you ever seen a live bat? Yeah. I adore bats. Do you chew on straws? No. Do you have any trophies? Yeah. Who’s the last person that creeped you out? Some guy who walked into the store I was at with Mom, continuously looking back and forth. Would you believe an ex if she/he said they love you? Well, that would depend on the person. Have you ever been kissed in the rain? Yeah. Anything exciting happening soon? My half-sister and her kids are visiting tomorrow and staying for a few days. It's a surprise for Mom. Do you keep a diary or journal (offline or online)? You could say these surveys kinda are. I don't have a designated "diary," though. When was the last time you took a painkiller? What was it for and did it work? I had womanly issues a few days back, and yeah, it helped. Have you ever had to go and rescue someone because their car broke down? When was the last time that happened? I mean, I've driven /with/ Mom to do so. I myself don't drive. What’s one sweet/candy you miss from your childhood? Is this item something you can still buy or has it been discontinued? Y'all remember Baby Bottle Pops??? 'Cuz I do, and I love those fuckin things. I still see them sometimes in gas stations. When was the last time you used some kind of moisturiser? A few days back for my hands. They were painfully dry. If you’re under lockdown/stay at home orders at the moment, are you struggling or managing okay? A bitch is s t r u g g l i n g. Has anything positive come out of the pandemic for you? Fuck no. Do you wear a watch? Is it analogue/digital? Does it it have things like a step-counter in it? No. Do you have any gifts from Christmas that you still haven’t opened or used? Not used, yes. Well, then some things are still in their boxes, but they're unwrapped. Do you know how to tie a tie? If so, who taught you? No. Who was your last missed call from? Did you ring that person back? Some number I didn't recognize, so no. When was the last time you had some kind of problem with your internet connection? Is this something that happens often? A few days back. It has occasional instances where it'll go out but come back on shortly. Do you have a favourite celebrity chef? No. Do you prefer pizza or pasta? Pizza. Have you ever volunteered anywhere before? What was the reason behind doing so? Once at PetSmart when they had dogs to adopt out, which was for school volunteer hours. I spent time with them, giving them attention and taking them outside. I also had two other animal-related volunteer days, but each was only a few hours because my fucking weak-ass body couldn't handle them. Have you ever been truly obsessed with something? What was it and how did you come to feel that way? I have an incredibly obsessive personality; I could probably name near on a dozen or so things I've been genuinely obsessed with. I don't know what it means to love in moderation. Some are/were pleasant obsessions, some aren't/weren't. Does it bother you when people turn up at your house without asking or waiting to be invited? Yes. Are you taller or shorter than average height? I'm the average for an American woman. Do you have any family members whose beliefs or ways of life completely embarrass you? YUP YUP YUP YUP. Are you scared of heights? Yes. When was the last time you lost something of great sentimental value? Did you ever end up finding it again? I don't know. Have you ever injured anyone in self-defense? No. What food do you find to be the most filling? Is this something you eat a lot of? In relation to its portion sizes, oatmeal or eggs. I can't have a whole lot of either. I wouldn't say I eat either a lot, but oatmeal is more common. Have you ever heard people talking badly about you behind your back? Did you confront them about it? Yes, and in at least two instances. Do you consider “home” to be the place you were born, or is it somewhere you create for yourself? I consider it to be my childhood home; not the one I was actually born in, but only because I was way too young to remember and we only lived there like, maybe two years into my life. Have you ever experienced having to leave your home due to a fire, or due to the threat of fire? No, thankfully. When was the last time you felt you were in a dangerous situation? When we had a serious tornado warning Christmas Eve. Yes. In winter. Are there any superstitions that you believe in? Which ones and what are your reasons for doing so? No. Are there any series of books/films that you never finished - either because you got bored of waiting or just lost interest? Oh, I'm sure. I Wouldn't say I lost interest in a lot though, I just wasn't interested enough, like for The Hunger Games. Which theme park is your favorite? I haven't been to nearly enough to know. Like, just one. Do you eat healthy? I try to be, at least. Though I've been doing very poorly about it lately because I'm a emotional goddamn eater and am having a very hard time. Do/did your parents fight often? They're divorced for a reason. Do YOU fight with them often? No. Would you say that you're respectful? I hope so. Are you a fan of Green Day? Yeah, I love them. Would you rather have 4 kids at one time or never have a kid? Jesus Christ, never. I don't want any anyway. Do you think 'friends with benefits' relationships really ever work? No. Do you or have you ever known a drug addict? Yes. Do you turn off the water while brushing your teeth or leave it on? I always turn it off. No reason to waste it. Do you have any nieces or nephews? Lots, if you include my half-siblings. Are caterpillars more cute or disgusting? I tend to find them cute. What's your homepage when you bring up the internet? Google. Was the last book you read for fun or was it for some type of assignment? It was for fun. Have you ever dated someone you met online? Yes. Would you go on a date with someone right now if they asked? Depends on who's asking. Do you own any band tees? Oh, I have lots. Off the top of my head, some that I frequently wear are Metallica, Otep, and Korn. Do you know someone who wears a wig? No. Have you ever kissed someone under fireworks? I don't think so. What kind of dressing do you eat on your salad, if any? I strongly prefer the Olive Garden kind, but I also enjoy ranch. What genre of music do you listen to the most? Metal of some sort. Have you ever dated someone who was way overprotective of you? No. Do you personally know any cops? No. How many different colleges have you gone to? Three. How much stress can you handle? Not much at all. How confident are you in achieving your dreams? I ain't got the slightest clue by this point in my life. What is one thing you thought you’d never do but have done or are doing? There's a lot of things, most bad, some good. Do you have to take medication for any mental illness? A lot. Do you like looking at pictures? It depends on what's in them. Specifically pictures from my past, that's usually a big no. Do you believe the dead can have connections with the living? I guess in very vague ways. Which family member do you get along with the most? Well, define "get along with." I by far have the strongest relationship with my mom, but we fight sometimes. As for who I stay on the most stable ground with, that's probably my dad. Would you ever be able to become a vegan? I know I couldn't, but I'd love to. How did you meet your newest friend? Who even IS my newest friend... Have you ever watched the show Teen Mom? What did you think about it? No, and I think it's an awful fucking idea for a television show. Put a spotlight on and money into teen pregnancy, yeah, that's a genius plan. Are you old enough to remember MySpace? Yeah. Do you think you’ll be a good mother/father? I wouldn't be. Do you have trouble deleting your text messages? I don't need to. Is there something that you haven’t told anyone that you actually would like to tell someone? No. Have you ever been called a tease? Yeah. Do people ever make fun of your religion or lack thereof? No. Do you say/do things a lot for shock effect? No? What was the last compliment you gave a guy? I probably told my nephew Ryder he was a good brother. Was one of your grandpas in a war? Maybe? Idk. I never knew either well at all. Have you screamed in a pillow before? Yes. What do you like more, acoustic or electric? Electric. Have you ever ordered something off a commercial on television? No. What's worse, having someone mad or disappointed in you? Disappointed. Do you still consider Pluto a planet? Yes. Didn't they reinstate it as one, anyway? Right now, are you at a high, leveled, or low point? What's lower than "low?"

[dekuinthelake]

Why I’m okay with people knowing I’m transgender

Firstly, I want to start off by saying that if you’re trans and for your own comfort and safety you don’t want to be “outed” that’s 100% understandable and you should not feel bad about that. We all need to move at our own pace when discovering our social limits and confidence. My journey will have not been the same as yours. I live in Colorado, a state that is fairly trans friendly and am a trans man, meaning I’ve most likely had a safer time than I might have elsewhere. Trans women have it especially difficult, and if you feel unsafe in a situation that’s up for you to gage. It doesn’t make you less valid or a coward or anything like that.

Just know that I’m writing this for you and other trans/nb folks. I want our choices to transition to feel like the right one, even when people who don’t understand are making you second guess.

Context:

From the time I was 16-23, I was immensely depressed. I dropped out of highschool because of an immense disillusionment for the future. Primarily, I believed I didn’t have one. I’d always been bad at school, so collage was out of the question. I thought I was too ugly to get married and so that traditional Mormon thing my mother specifically had impressed upon me, which was having kids obviously. Most people disliked me because at the time, I had an extremely aggressive and compulsive attitude thanks to being absolutely lost emotionally. I hated my body and my mind and was convinced the things I despised could never change.

Ironically, one of the thorns in my side was how I always wanted to be a man instead. I recall coming home from school some days and just curling up in bed and sobbing about it.

“If I was a boy, people wouldn’t make fun of my ugly ass body.” Something I felt primarily about my chest. Once I strangled a kid for pointing out my bra strap through a white shirt. No joke. I was volatile and pissed all the time because of dysphoria. Comments about being feminine quite literally triggered me growing up. Every violent fight I remember growing up was caused by someone making fun of me in relation to female gender.

Despite this problem being so obvious, my religious parents took me to Mormon operated therapy. The suggestions I was given by councilors was typically “Have you tried praying about it?” Or “Are you going to Young Women’s every Sunday?” For those of you who don’t know, in the LDS church, they separate Sunday school for age groups based on gender. In particular, they forced all girls to wear dresses.

Having that identity forced on me every Sunday against my will from a very young age caused me to resist in aggressive attitude. Hit a kid in the face with my bible bag once for telling me I should be in the kitchen.

Another unfortunate side effect of the Mormon upbringing was literally not knowing that trans people even existed. I recall seeing trans people (like with waiter we had once) and being a little perplexed but not too bothered. But no one had ever explained the concept to me until much, much later.

After I had dropped out, a friend of mine came out and at the time the concept was alien. I’d spent so much time in my life trying to choke down any hope of being a guy because of religion it seemed impossible to even change genders. But then a mutual friend between me and my trans one (who is now my roommate) explained to me in a car ride I still remember vividly about what testosterone does to your body. Bit of a side note, but the ‘micro phalus’ thing was something I straight didn’t believe and OH BOY LMAOOOO.

Anyway, with that information now tumbling around on my mind... I accepted my friend and continued to ignore my obvious feelings!

Life marched on. I sunk in to gaming addiction, depression, and repression. I think I first tried to kill my self when I was 20 years old. I had quit my job thanks to a car crash I got in to and sunk in to doing absolutely nothing but playing MMOs for months. Eventually I just convinced myself there was no possible way my life could anything meaningful or productive. I had a fairly unhelpful stay in a mental hospital. I got out, got a job at the Denver zoo as a janitor.

I coasted for a few years there. That job taught me a lot. People skills, how to work hard, how to care about the future... And one of my coworkers was a trans man. We didn’t talk much about his transition. Mostly we just talked about cool things at work and how shitty customers were.

I think that kind of interaction was so important to me. To everyone, him being trans was just natural. No one cared and he seemed pretty happy.

With that information I started to do a bit of research on my own. I’m not sure how many months of consideration I had before coming out subtly to my current roommate in a car.

At the time, pondering coming out to everyone around me and having to confront my body every day in mirrors I cleaned for a living became a sort of hell. I worked the 4am shift and had no one to talk to for the entire duration of my work day, leaving me with lots of time to watch videos and think. I mean I mentally battled myself to the point I was in a lot of pain. So I started taking pain killers, mood stabilizers, drinking, and smoking weed in excess. Since I worked in the dark alone, no one would know how fucked up I was. The primary wrench in me finally accepting my own needs was again that feeling of hopelessness. The process of transition seemed so intimidating. It’s expensive. It will take effort. What if I fuck this or that up?

Early 2017, I tried to kill myself again after months of tormenting myself. I remember when they put me in the ICU and asked for my name, I told them Mike instead of my now dead name. The nurses asked if I had a pronoun preference and I just couldn’t say anything at all. But the chart whiteboad hanging on the wall in front of my bed said “Mike’s”. Everyone who came to visit me saw this. In a way, I had forced myself to come out. My stay in the mental hospital provided the same information as the last, but this time I was more ready to accept it.

One of the exercises we did was write plans for the future. Before, I had left it blank. But this time? I had goals. One of them was to come out officially in a far less destructive fashion. My dad seemed to accept it but not fully support. Due to family tensions that were somewhat unrelated to coming out, I ended up moving out in Late September 2018.

Soon everyone in my personal life knew. I got laid off with my entire department at the zoo. I remember coming out to some of my coworkers based on how religious they were the last day. My next job, I introduced myself as Mike and even got a name tag.

At the end of 2018 I started on hormones after a battle to get ahold of a doctor. Since then, I’ve been a lot happier.

I’ve lost over 100lbs and started working out.

I’m currently working the highest paying job I’ve ever had.

I’m living in an apartment with people I really care about.

The people I keep around me accept my pronouns and are proud of me coming out.

I’ve grown a mustache I love so much I can’t bare to shave it.

The power of self actualization

In every respect, coming out and presenting myself in exactly the way I want to has improved my life. For me that included medically transitioning. It’s like I finally have something to look forward to. All the little changes make me excited and more confident in what I like every day.

Even minor things like clothing are now these exciting vehicles of self expression. I never used to buy things I liked since my parents controlled what I was and was not aloud to wear. And even when I got my own money, those standards forced upon me by Mormonism held me back. Every pay check has more meaning when I’m replacing the old life that I hated so much. I seriously love this tiger shirt I got.

I’m proud to tell people I’m trans because finally admitting to myself has improved my life and mental health and unimaginable degree. I went from wanting to die basically at all times to having excitement for what comes next. I’m enjoying activities that I never would have before. Going to gay bars and dancing has been so enriching for me and I absolutely never would have done that before when I was all angry and bristly.

Being trans can be such a possitive experience. It’s freedom. It’s being able to live your life comfortably.

I know there are a lot of people who don’t understand or don’t want to because of their upbringing... and if you are one of those people who managed to read all this, please know they if you’re anti-trans, you’re anti-freedom of expression, anti-mental health, and anti-social.

Coming out was like removing a clog from my life. I’ve FINALLY been able to start living. And that’s something I want people to know about me. I felt dead before I changed my name and pronouns.

By the way. I’m Mike. He/him. 25. And I’m not going to try and kill my self ever again because I’m enjoying my big trans life.👌

[nickpaterson]

How my religion taught me to hate

I grew up in a religious family, with Anglican roots.  My mother joined a small growing church group, which developed into one of the largest Baptist churches on Vancouver Island.  We were part of this same church family from the time I was 4 years old. Now in my 40s, my mother still attends the same group.   I am proud that our family was part of and still is part of this growing group that dopes a lot of good and outreach locally in her community.  I value relationships and advice from many members of this congregation.

               During the troubles of my teenage years, members of this group reach out to me to provide guidance when I was lost, to be supportive when I needed it, and to give advice.  One of the most influential people from this church weas my pastor, Mark Buchanan.  He was a little man who more often was in board shorts and a Hawaiian shirt with sandals, instead of a stuffy suit.  I loved watching him break the norms, and make people uncomfortable, to make them think about why they felt this way.  He would walk quietly to the stage, and this big booking voice would get your attention.  He put feeling into his speech, and he challenged traditional ideas, kept you rapt to everything he said, made us laugh and cry, and made sure we understood why we did things.  Mark also wrote a book called “Your God is too safe”.  I still have my autographed copy of the book as well as a spare handed down from my mom.  Admittedly, I never read the whole thing, but the title alone caught my attention, and made me want to research more and break the norms to make sure what I thought was right, instead of just safe and familiar.  

               My mother always gave me ideas to make me think. She told me from a young age to make sure I knew what I believed, and to know why, and that she would support me in those choices as long as I could support my argument with logic and faith. She may not have exercised this as much as she would like, making sure I went to church without fail, even when I didn’t want to, and being less than willing to explore alternate churches.  But the idea and the sentiment were there, and they stuck with me throughout my life.

               On my own as an adult, I spent a lot of time talking to people of different faiths, and asking questions about how, why, what for, history of, and more.  I learned a lot about different denominations and faiths, alternate religions, alternate deities, wicca and witchcraft, natural beliefs and more.  Some were fascinating ideas, some were fantasy style stories that kept the attention but not the faith, and some made me incredibly uncomfortable to the point I avoided them in further research.  But nothing fit. So, I stuck to what was safe and familiar, not knowing how or why to believe anything else.  

               In all my research over the years, some ideas stuck and made it into my daily practice, because they meshed with what I read in my bible, and my interpretation of Jesus love and teachings, even if I didn’t see them in practice elsewhere.  Because I spent so much time talking to people of different backgrounds, I had a lot of friends who didn’t believe in the same things I did. My biggest takeaway from all of this was acceptance.  They didn’t believe in my god, or read my bible, but they answered my questions, and taught me, without judging even if I didn’t accept what they taught.  We debated respectfully back and forth and taught each other whatever we could.  Nobody was judged, or ostracised, or ridiculed for those beliefs.  We made for a pretty hodgepodge group.  

I had Jehovas Witnesses try to convert me.  I had coffee and visited with Mormons.  I head my cards and stars and palms read by Wiccans.  I attended Buddhist weddings in a haunted church at the stroke of midnight on Halloween.  I went to church with United, nondenominational, Anglican and more services.  I saw people speak in tongues, and believe they were performing healing prayers.  I even attended a country revival by a river and marched in an anti abortion silent protest.  I spent countless hours debating, and researching to reinforce my debates when I got stuck, and learning different viewpoints.  

               But I accepted everyone regardless of background. I asked questions that may have been ignorant from simply not knowing. I interrupted classes and speeches and took notes.  I stayed open to new ideas, and only asked from others what I would be willing to do myself, such as attending each others services to learn from a different viewpoint. The biggest lesson I ever learned in life was that nobody was lesser because they believed something different, or practiced on a different day, or used a different word for God.  I wasn’t better than them, or right or wrong.  I condemned no one that I could learn from, and hoped that I could teach them some of the same.

               I learned many things I don’t want to be a part of. I learned how I didn’t want to be treated or spoken to.  I learned what people could blame on their religion, and how awful you could be made to feel in the name of the Holy.  I saw some awful bigotry and hate, both in and out of churches. I made decisions that would shape who I have become.  I also learned that no matter who they prayed to or when, or how, the crazy truth of it is:  Almost everybody preached the same thing with a few small differences, while they condemned everyone else who disagreed.

               I even saw this within my own family.  For example, one of my nephews has recently chosen to express himself as transgender.  So he becomes She.  My sister, his mother, chose to support this in the best possible way.  I asked questions like “What name do I use and when” and tried to express the parts I didn’t understand, and learn the rest.  I let this child teach me whats he needed and I have tried to support her as best as possible.  My children followed my example and made me proud.  Come Christmas a couple years later, and our religious mother is visiting from the west, and expressing her opinions.  She wanted to take my sisters child to a counsellor to get fixed, behind my sisters back, and hoped that I would help.  I said no unconditionally. I found out that my older sister had heard our mother venting about this issues, and ripped into her with her opinion that Mom should stay the hell out of it.  I do love that our family is at a stage in life where we can be blunt and rational as we discussed this, since a couple days before Christmas we were throwing around religious and opinion thoughts on the subject.  I got to look at my mother and say “to be honest, your opinion doesn’t fucking matter, since it’s not your child to raise”. My mom looked shocked and started to be offended, but then realised it was not calling her out or insulting her, and that it was correct.  Then I also got to point out to her that at the very least, she should be proud that she raised three children as a single mother, who could all grow into such loving and accepting people that none of us judged or condemned anyone regardless of their way of life or choices.  This is again a very abridged version of this whole conversation, but you get the general idea.  

               One of the biggest wakeup moments that came in my life regarding religion and peoples attitudes towards it came from a church I attended for a while.  After over a year of getting to know people and following their teachings, it came that I would be moving to another city.  I mentioned to a few nice older folks what city I would be going to, and received a few recommendations on a church to look out for.  One particular gentleman, who always went out of his way to speak to myself and my children, and who I believe was an Elder at the church to be respected, gave me this recommendation.  I paraphrase: “You should check out Church A.  They have this and this and would love a new family with plenty of kids. And you wouldn’t have to worry about any of those fags and weird shit.”

               I knew right then that I would never check out his recommendation, and that I would never return to this church.  I have spent time since then really listening extra close to sermons and messages put out by other churches and church leaders, and looking for the nuances and lessons they teach to their youth.  Everything is put forth as support “You can make your choices within your faith”, Pro life, we will support you when you choose Gods way, and so very many more.  Look up newsletters and ads from your local churches and you will see all of these and more in many different wordings.

               Look a layer deeper.  Listen to what these messages say.  “we will support you in gods path, but believe different and you are alone”. “you are evil for choosing different”.  You will go to hell for eternity. Our way is the only way and everybody else is wrong.  Its very thinly veiled, but every church I’ve been to is secretly teaching me to hate those that are different and hoping that I don’t notice.  

               Hate gay people because they don’t follow the bible. Hate abortionists for not supporting this fetus regardless of health or history or any other option.  Our way is the ONLY way.  You cannot be different.  You cannot think your own way.  We can’t prove it except through vague scripture and ask for blind faith because we said so.  You are evil if you disagree.  Don’t look different or act different.  Judge others and condemn them for having an opinion. See a theme here? You can see this in all those local church and religious flyers too.  Just go have a look, I’ll wait here.

                 Here’s what I learned in Sunday school as I see it. Choose to follow and consider my opinion, or don’t.  Your call!

               -The Old testament is a history lesson.  Here is what God wants you to do and why.  Here is what is good and bad, and here is the struggle we went through to get here.  Exactly the same as our kids learning about war and holocaust and local history in school.  Learn the lessons because people already went through them and get the theory behind the fact.

               -The New testament changed everything.  We no longer had to sacrifice because Jesus did it for us. Unclean foods didn’t matter because we were purified in faith. Sinful acts could be forgiven if we asked for it.  Love everybody as you wish to be loved.  Look at the Good Samaritan, he helped a neighbour he should have hated because that’s what he was taught, but he chose to be a good person anyways, regardless of who was on the receiving end.  Jesus spent time with beggars, and the terminally sick, prostitutes, and men who had no other ambition in life.  He loved them all the same and he gave them the same message, regardless of their background, or choices, or personal opinions.  He didn’t ever treat one person as lesser than the next.

               The church teaches us to HATE sinfulness in their interpretation, and to shun those who are different or to try and change them to our own way of thinking.  I don’t care what church you go to, it will teach the same.  Look at these similarities between religions..  Catholicism, Christians of various denominations, jewish, jehovas witness, Mormon, 7th day Adventists, Islamic, Buddhist, even Native cultures.  On a base level, the stories handed down through history are very similar, slightly changed through translation and retelling over time.  The morals of the stories are the same.  Every different denomination of Christianity has the same base teachings and the same roots.  They simply split off because one group within that religion disagreed on a base idea, split off, and taught in their own way.  Now 2 thousand years later, we have Baptists and Pentecostals and Lutherans and Anglicans, and more, all telling us that everybody else is wrong.

               So who’s right?   Only each of us can decide that for ourselves.  Look at all the common base lessons and live your life to the best of your ability.  Follow Jesus teachings, whether you believe he was a man or a prophet, or the son of god, and love your neighbour unconditionally.  Decide where you stand on all the slight differences of opinion. It’s all on your and your choice. But stop spreading hate!

               Hate destroys everything that religions of all sorts teach.  Hate turns religious peoples into conquerers, terrorists, feuding families, and multiple warring factions.  Hate causes pain to those on the receiving end, and stress to those on the giving end. There is no possible positive side to hate.  

               I chose to avoid churches in general for the last few years because I could not handle listening to the hate, and finding the worst possible bigots and liars within the walls of the churches, pretending to be good people on Sunday mornings so other people would look up to them.  One day a week does not get you into the kingdom of heaven.  A band I listened to said it the best way possible when I was a teenager, but even though I always remembered it, I never understood it.  “The greatest single cause of Atheism today are those that praise Him with their words, then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle.”  - DC Talk -What if I stumble

               Stop living hate when you preach love. Practice the words that come out of your mouth, and truly love your neighbour.  His religion, color of skin, gender identity, or relationship status should have no bearing on what kind of person they are.  You don’t have to LIKE everyone, or spend time with people you don’t mesh with, but you have no right to judge those that have never done a thing to harm you.  

               Hate the lies of the church teachings, hate the bigotry, Love the man or woman you see in front of you.  We are all fighting for the same thing: to wake up each morning, and enjoy our lives in the best way we know how. Hate in any form robs us from this enjoyment of life.  You don’t have to believe in God or the Bible to live a good life and be good to others. You only have to have faith in humanity, and making this a good place for everyone to enjoy.  Be excellent to each other.

               Hate is Baggage.  Life is too short to be pissed off all the time. Its just not worth it. – American History X.

[she-is-tim]

I love hating you | Elu enemies to lovers AU | Ch. 4

Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3

Lucas is an angry, closeted and frustrated gay teenager, while Eliott is the handsome, smart and popular guy in school. They hate each other… but not forever.

I don’t think I deserve this

Saturday morning was cloudy and cold, but Lucas couldn’t be happier. He started the day by doing his chores that was listed on their chalkboard Mika hanged in the living room. They kept switching the tasks, so no one gets bored of it. Later the day he joined Lisa on the couch, she was watching some weird documentary, but Lucas couldn’t care less, he was on his phone basically all afternoon, chatting with Eliott. Thankfully Mika was working, so he wasn’t asking questions about his happy behavior. 

srodulv Idriss and Sofiane keep trying to peek over when I’m texting you They are being annoying

lucallemant I kinda get them, you should be focused on studying, not texting me Not like I want you to leave

srodulv You would be missing me, and I can’t stand a sad hedgehog

lucallemant Too much confidence you got there, Demaury

srodulv I think I have good reasons to be sure about some things ;) 

lucallemant How do you know the boys, btw?  Idriss is older than us for sure

srodulv I am older than you too I had to repeat first year of high school

lucallemant What? I had no idea

srodulv Things happened in my life, so... It’s not important, but I was going to their school in first year But we are friends since middle school

lucallemant Well, at least now we’re in the same year

srodulv Haha That’s true Okay, I gotta go now, these two are driving me crazy

lucallemant You can do it! Saturday is almost over 

srodulv And I’m missing you so damn much

lucallemant Stop being so cheesy We spent hours together yesterday

srodulv It’s never enough time with you

lucallemant G O   T O   S T U D Y   E L I O T T 

srodulv Yes, ma’am

Lucas smirked at his phone for a few more minutes and put it in his pocket after Eliott didn’t say anything else. He loved to talk to him all day long, but he was with friends and he had to study too, so he couldn’t be selfish, asking him to keep texting. He might not be the smartest kid in school, but he knew that Eliott didn't do much studying all day, since he kept replying to him within seconds. 

Monday came way too slow, Lucas spent his sunday with studying and doing homework. He wasn’t on his phone much, but Eliott was also busy, so it wasn’t a big deal. In the morning he packed up his bag and left for school with Manon. They were planning to meet up in the common room before classes, just to chill and eat breakfast. The girl spent almost an hour in the kitchen this morning to make sandwiches for them, she was carrying it in a basket, while Lucas had two bottles of soda in his hands. 

“Seriously, Manon, It’s just monday, why are we having an indoor picnic?” He asked, his hands were numb from holding the bottles.

“We are halfway done with the common room, this is a little celebration.” she said excitedly and walked into the room, holding the door open for the boy.

They joined the others at the table, it seemed like they had some serious topic to talk about. Lucas put down the bottles and went to the shelves to get plastic cups for everyone. Meanwhile Manon put down paper plates and the basket full of sandwiches. The girls seemed to be really happy and continued their talk while eating. Lucas sat down next to Manon, chewing on a sandwich. Since friday he could only think about Eliott. He kept seeing him when he closed his eyes, he could clearly remember his smell and the feeling of his fingers on his skin. 

When his phone started buzzing, he felt his heart beating faster. Eliott haven’t texted him since sunday and he missed him so much. He was right back then, Lucas was one really sad hedgehog without him. All those feelings he had for this boy were overwhelming. He unlocked his phone, checking the message he got, but it wasn’t from Eliott, it was his mother. 

From Mom For if God did not spare angels when they sinned, but sent them to hell, putting them in chains of darkness to be held for judgment; [2 Peter 2:4]

Lucas took a deep breath and inhaled slowly. The girls were too busy talking about some sports event that will be on this friday, so they didn’t notice his reaction. He haven’t recieved a bible verse from his mom since a while now, it usually meant that she is doing bad. He knew that the nurse his father was paying took good care of his mother, but it was still frustrating to think about her feeling bad. He also haven’t seen her since months. Son of the year, clearly.

He excused himself and walked out of the common room. Students were already walking on the halls, so he decided to go to the bathroom and tried to call his mother. He spent there 10 minutes, but she wasn’t answering. Lucas got really worried now. He quickly looked for the number of his mom’s nurse and called her. He was walking around in the bathroom until she picked it up.

“Hello?” her voice was soft, calm. It didn’t seem like anything was wrong.

“Good morning! I am Lucas Lallemant, I wanted to ask about my mom.” he explained, talking a bit too fast, but hoped that the lady understood his words. 

“Oh, Lucas! I haven’t heard from you in a while.” she said softly, this was still not convincing the boy that things were okay. “Your mother is reading right now, we just had breakfast and she took her medications. But why is the sudden call?” 

“Nothing...” Lucas mumbled, feeling bad because panicing over such little stuff, but also because he haven’t met his mother in a while now. “Nothing, I just wanted to know if I can visit her after school.”

“That is a wonderful idea, I think she would like that. She’s feeling much better lately, we talk a lot and she told me a lot of stories about you.” she answered softly, which made Lucas’ heart feel warm. Knowing that his mother was able to talk and tell stories of his childhood meant that she was really doing better. 

“That’s great, I’ll go there around 17:00 after classes.”

“We will be waiting.”

“See you then.” he said and hung up, letting out a relieved sigh. 

He leant to the wall next to the bathroom stalls and looked out the window. Everyone was slowly coming inside from the yard as their classes were about to start. He was looking for one face, one messy hair in the crowd, but he couldn’t find him. Eliott might have already gone to his class. He closed his eyes, leaning his head back. Stop thinking of him, Lucas.

He walked out of the restroom now, ready to start his day. On his way to the lockers, he met Imane, she seemed to be looking for someone. Lucas stepped to her, smiling softly. Imane was a great friend for him and they always studied together for biology. She was sassy and confident, almost the exact opposite of Lucas. 

“Hey! Are you looking for someone?” he asked softly. The girl looked at him, a small smile playing on her face. Okay, this seems suspicious.

“Yeah, I was looking for you actually.” she said and handed him a carefully folded paper. “My brother gave this to me. Eliott asked him to get this to you.” she explained with now a wide smirk. Lucas felt his face burning, stomach turning. He couldn’t find the right words to say both because he didn’t wanted Imane to suspect anything and because he was deeply worried why was Eliott sending him a letter, not a message. 

“It’s not what...”

“Don’t bother.” she said raising her hands. “It’s not my business, I just didn’t know that you are friends with Eliott now.” she said crossing her arms, looking curious. “I mean you were talking shit about him like a month ago.” 

“We were just assigned for a school project.” he mumbled, lies coming out of his mouth without thinking about it. It was so natural for him to cover things in his life to make situations easier. “It’s probably just a note I left at his place.” he shrugged, trying to play cool. 

“Okay then, I was just asking.” she said.

“Why didn’t you gave it to me earlier?” Lucas asked now curiously. They were all in the common room, she could have handed it to him there so she wouldn’t need to look for him.

“I figured it’s something that the girls shouldn’t know.” she said seriously. “I mean... Daphné is still a bit gone for that guy, they wouldn’t let you breathe if they would know that you are close with Eliott.” she said.

“And you also don’t wanna let them know that your brother and him are friends, right?” the boy asked now with a half smirk, while Imane rolled her eyes. “I totally understand. Say thank you to Idriss for me.” he said and walked to his locker now. 

He slowly unfolded the paper, it was a drawing and a note under it, well actually two drawings. One of them was a sad hedgehog, looking at his black phone screen, the other one was a sad raccoon with a suitcase in his hand, waiting at the train station. Lucas felt his stomach turning, looking at the letters under the drawings, slowly reading the sentences.

“Dear Lucas

I am so sorry I haven’t texted you for a whole day, but something happened with my family and I had to leave Paris. Hopefully I won’t be away for long, but I am not gonna be able to use my phone. I’ll let you know when I get back. Damn, I wish I could have say goodbye to you in person, but I really had to leave quickly, I barely had time to make this letter, but I feel like this is what you deserve. Don’t worry too much, okay? I can’t stand a sad hedgehog, you know that. And maybe you can surprise me with something when I come back. I am going to miss you... I am already missing you

Sincerely A very sad raccoon”

His handwriting was beutiful, that is the first thing that got to Lucas’ mind, then he kept re-reading the sentences, trying to take in all that information. So Eliott had to leave urgently, that’s fine. He had no time to contact Lucas, which is also fine. Then he fucking decided to draw and write a letter to him. This guy was far too much into romantic stuff and Lucas was there for it. He put the paper in a safe place inside his bag, making sure he won’t lost it. He smiled as he walked to his first class. Eliott cares about me. 

After his last class, he was packing his stuff from his locker into his backpack. He wanted to reach the first bus to visit his mother. He was preparing himself for that all day. His mind was filled with imagined conversations, fearing that his mother will question him for not visiting her. He was really nervous, but also excited. He wasn’t in a good relationship with his father, but he always loved his mother even when she couldn’t be the mom Lucas wanted. 

As he stepped out of the building, he almost bumped into his friends. Arthur and Yann had to listen to some stupid story Basile was rambling about. He stopped speaking when they saw Lucas. The short boy smiled at them, being frustrated on the inside, because he knew he wont make it to the first bus now, not like he had to wait much for the next. He just really wanted to see his mother.

“Hey, Lulu! Haven’t seen you all day.” Yann said, pulling his friend into a quick hug. Lucas sighed, enjoying the moment of his best friends kindness. 

“Yeah, I was pretty busy with classes and helping the girls in the common room.” he explained, hugging back his friend before he pulled away, Arthur gave him a fist bump.

“You were with the girls?” Basile asked with sudden enthusiasm. “Were Daphné talking about me?” his eyes were wide open, hoping for a positive answer. Lucas totally forgot that his idiot friend is now having a crush on his sweet Daphy. Of course he liked and supported Basile with all heart, but he also wanted the best for his blonde, overexcited friend, which wasn’t being Basile’s girlfriend. 

“About you? No, I don’t think so.” he said honestly.

“See, Daphné doesn’t give a fuck about you, dude.” Arthur said, he was always there to tell the truth to Basile. “You gotta find yourself a girl that can appreciate you.” he said, squeezing his friend’s shoulder. The short boy smiled fondly at them, it was nice to hang out with the boys like this. He haven’t had much time to do this before because he was too afraid they will notice he’s different. 

“We were actually planning to go to my place and order pizza.” Yann said now, looking at his best friend. “You should join us.”

“I would love to, but I am actually going to visit my mom.” he said softly. “I am already a bit late.”

“Oh, did something happen?” Yann asked with a worrying tone in his voice. He was always there when Lucas needed help because of his mother and the boy couldn’t be more grateful for that.

“Nothing in particular. I just haven’t seen her in a while.” he said honestly. “But you guys have fun.” He smiled and fistbumped with them, then walking to the bus stop.

The afternoon with his mom was really nice, she wasn’t lost in her thoughts like she used to. Lucas told her about school, how classes going. He was talking about the common room and how she made friends with the girl group. It was nice to tell all this to someone who had no idea about them, he noticed how much he adores the girls and their friendship. Of course his mom asked if she like liked any of the group, but he said no confidently. They are like my sisters. And his mother seemed to be satisfied with that answer and didn’t ask more questions about her son’s love life. Lucas had no idea how much he needed this mother in his life. A caring, understanding and nice person who he can tell about his days, his friends, his classes. He wished he had the strength to tell her about his sexuality... or more likely his thing with Eliott. Is there actually a thing between us, though? 

It was late, almost 20:30 when he left his mom’s house, getting on the bus. He read Eliott’s letter again, staring at the drawings for long minutes. This heavy feeling in his chest didn’t wanted to go away, he was really worried and missed this handsome guy, his stupid texts, his soft words. He remembered how they almost kissed twice. He got goosebumps just by thinking about it. 

Days went on so slow Lucas felt like he was suffocating. He spent most of his time with studying or helping out the girls, anything that could keep him occupied to not think of Eliott. But when the nights came, everything rushed him at once. It was killing him slowly. He felt like he’s never going to come back. 

Somewhere around wednesday the boys started to talk about a party, then the girls were talking about it too, because Emma was hosting it. Lucas felt like it will be a good way to drink and forget his emotions, so of course he agreed to go with them. Since he haven’t heard from Eliott since 4 days now, all he wanted is to get drunk and not feel anything. He hoped that Arthur brings weed to the party, he was his savior all the time, even if he didn’t know that. 

He tried to put on some nice clothes, dark blue jeans, grey t-shirt and a denim jacket. Usually he would just put on a hoodie or his favorite blue jacket, but he kinda wanted to look good today, no specific reason. He tried to get his hair in some sort of shape, with very less success, so he just dropped the case within ten minutes. When he was ready, he texted the boys and left the flat. Manon was already there, helping Emma all afternoon to set things up.

Lucas was on the bus, checking the group chat with the boys. They were going crazy, because Yann told them that the girl he likes accepted his invitation to the party and they probably gonna meet up tonight. The boy smiled at his phone, congratulating to his best friend. He looked out the window, he was almost at the stop that was the closes to Emma’s house, when he got a message, it wasn’t from the boys, it was an instagram DM. His heart skipped a beat, his lips were dry, his stomach turned in that few seconds when he opened the app to see the message.

srodulv I got off the train, waiting for the bus. Do you wanna meet up? I need you

Lucas was struggling for only a few seconds. Eliott was so direct, no teasing, no playing around, he straight up said he needs Lucas. He got off the bus as soon as it stopped and thankfully could catch the ride to the other direction before it left the stop. He felt so many things at once, not knowing what to think. His hands were shaking, but he had to text back to Eliott, so he won’t be thinking that he left him on read.

lucallemant On my way

He wanted to scream at the driver to go faster. He didn’t know what was going on, but Eliott wasn’t feeling good, he could tell even through text. When he got to the right place, he jumped off the bus, he didn’t see Eliott anywhere, so he checked the time. It usually takes 20-25 minutes with bus to get to the train station from this part of the city. Eliott only texted him 14 minutes ago. The waiting was pure agony, he walked in a few meter radius up and down. His hands were sweating and shaking. He jumped when his phone started buzzing, but it was only the group chat with the boys.

Arthur Hey, Lucas, you should be here by now.  Where are you, dude?

Yann Is everything okay, bro? 

Basile Don’t fuck this up, man! There are hot chicks!

Arthur Lulu?

Yann Can’t you just answer?  I see that you read the messages

Arthur What is wrong with you?

He sighed and closed the chat for now, he couldn’t deal with his friends, not now when he was about to see Eliott. His stomach felt so tiny, he barely could breathe, he kept licking his lips, because they were so dry. He should have sit down, but he couldn’t stop his legs, if he settles, all the emotions will rush at him at once and he either cries or throw up. Not a good way to welcome his handsome... what is Eliott to him exactly? He shook his head.

He was so deep in his thoughts that he only noticed the bus when it left. He stopped his moves and looked at the boy standing in front of him, just a few meters away. Eliott put down his suitcase, he seemed exhausted, so tiny. He was hunched, pale, even more than usual. His eyes were red and the circles around them looked much darker, like he haven’t slept for days. He was looking at Lucas, hands in his pockets, like a scared animal. He opened his mouth, trying to say something, but then closed it, looking down.

Lucas was feeling so many things at once. He felt joy, because he missed this boy so damn much and it was good to have him back. He was worried, since Eliott looked like he have been through hell. He also felt insecure, because he didn’t know what was going on his head. When the tall boy looked at the ground, Lucas made his decision. He looked around, making sure no one was on the streets. It was getting late, friday night and this was a really calm part of the city anyways. He then started walking, almost running, jumping on Eliott, wrapping his arms around the slim body. 

Eliott was shocked first, but then he pulled his hands out of his pockets, sliding them on the short boy’s back, burying his face into his neck. Lucas stroked him gently, enjoying the smell of Eliott he missed so much. They were standing like this for long minutes, then Eliott pulled back just a little, still keeping the small one in his arms. He touched his forehead to Lucas’, looking into those deep blue eyes. 

“I missed you so damn much.” he whispered, voice sounded harsh, like he haven’t drank anything for a long time. Lucas slowly put his hands on his face, caressing his cheeks with his thumbs.

“I’m here now. No more sad raccoon or sad hedgehog, okay?” he said softly. Deep inside he felt like Eliott needed soft, reassuring words right now. 

“Okay.”

“I’ll stay with you.” he whispered, stil stroking the other one’s face.

Eliott looked at him, deep into his eyes. He looked like he was crying not too long ago and that was breaking Lucas’ heart. He couldn’t bare seeing him like this. He looked so small and volunerable now, almost like a lost raccoon. He took a deep breath, slowly reducing the distance between their lips. Eliott noticed this and closed his eyes, holding the boy closer by his waist. 

Their kiss was slow at first, tasting each other, making sure it’s okay for the other to do a bit more. Then they got out of hands, tongues dancing between opened lips, hands going everywhere, not knowing where to grab. It was strong and passionate, full of deep feelings. This long time apart made them crave for the other, wanting more and more. For long minutes it was just them, no one else existed on this world. Everything around them ceased to exist, the buildings, the street, the bus stop, all of it. They were in their little bubble of happiness. Then suddenly rain started pouring, getting them wet. 

They both pulled back, just a little bit to look into each other’s eyes, laugh like kids. Eliott seemed to be better now, his eyes were glowing with excitement. He gave a soft kiss on Lucas’ wet lips. Their hair was dripping, their clothes started to get soaked as the rain was going on more wildly. The tall boy grabbed his suitcase with one hand and Lucas’ wrist with the other, starting to run towards his apartment building. The small boy laughed , trying to keep up with the speed of Eliott. 

The door slammed behind them loudly, Eliott let go of his suitcase, wrapping both of his arms around Lucas, kissing him wildly. The boy giggled into the other’s lips, sliding his fingers into his wet hair, pulling him even closer. Their clothes were sticking to their body, making them feel each other more. They started to slowly dance towards the bedroom, trying not to stumble while still kissing and holding onto each other. Their kisses were sloppy, full of giggles, teeth bumping into teeth. 

Somehow they managed to get into the room, falling on Eliott’s bed after taking off their wet clothes, only leaving on their underwear. Lucas was laying down, Eliott above him, kissing his neck now while his hands were stroking his sides. The boy shivered, letting out a little moan. He had never felt so good with anyone, not like he ever tried this with boys, but he knew that this was special, that Eliott was special. 

Hours passed, now they were just laying in bed, Eliott was resting his head on Lucas’ chest, tracing little circles on his skin with his fingers. They haven’t talked, though the short boy had a lot of questions, he knew that he can’t force him to talk. It was nice to just lay like this, quietly, peacefully. Forgetting about the stupid party, about his friends, focusing himself on this gorgeous man in his arms. He played with Eliott’s hair a little. It was still a bit wet. 

“I thought you are not gonna come.” Eliott mumbled into the silence after a while, Lucas opened his eyes, fingers still playing with the other’s wet hair. 

“I wasn’t thinking... I was worried, you were so serious in that text.” he said slowly, kissing the top of Eliott’s head softly. 

“I don’t think I deserve this...”

“What do you mean?” he asked now concerned. He didn’t like how the tall boy was talking about himself. Usually he was the most confident person Lucas has ever known. He can’t be saying things like this. 

“Laying here, in your arms.” he said, raising his head to look into the boys’ eyes. “I am not good enough for this.” 

Lucas sighed, he put his hand on Eliott’s face, stroking it gently, rubbing his red, puffy lips with his thumb. He had so much to say, but couldn’t really put it into words, so instead he just gave a slow, lustful kiss to him, making sure that he gets what he’s trying to say. You deserve this. We both deserve this. We need each other. 

Eliott gave in after thirty seconds, leaning on Lucas like a hungry predator, grabbing his waist as he deepened the kiss with him. His tongue asked for permission and when he got that, he spent long minutes exploring the other one’s mouth, pressing their body together, skin touching skin. Their bodies fit so well like they were made for each other and in that moment Lucas felt like that was the truth.

They fell asleep like this, legs and arms entangled, Eliott resting on Lucas, wearing only boxers. Both of them were happy and they didn’t wake up until 11:00. Lucas slowly opened his eyes, not being sure first where he was, then he felt the heavy body on himself and started smiling. He buried his face into the messy locks, taking in the smell slowly. It was so unbelieveable that he was waking up in bed with Eliott Demaury. A few weeks ago he didn’t even wanted to hear his name and now he was holding him, smelling him. 

“You really like sniffing me, huh?” Eliott said suddenly, scaring the small boy a little. He looked up, smirking at him. “You are such a curious hedgehog.” 

“And you are one really annoying raccoon.” the boy said, making an angry face that got the other one to laugh.

“You are so adorable.” he said, kissing his lips softly. “I never wanna leave this bed. I wanna stay here with you forever.” he mumbled, caressing Lucas’ cheek gently.

“We can stay here... I don’t wanna leave either.” he said smiling, kissing Eliott’s palm. “I haven’t had such a good sleep in a really long time, actually.”

“Oh yeah?” the tall boy smirked, kissing his neck gently, biting it even. “So only the sleeping part was good?” he asked playfully. Lucas chuckled and run his fingers through Eliott’s hair. 

“You know that is not what I meant.” he said softly, kissing his forehead, then his nose. 

“What did you mean then?” 

“I feel good with you. I can’t really explain this... this week was absolute hell without you... I know that it’s stupid and I tried everything to get over my feelings, but...” 

“No, don’t say that.” Eliott said, suddenly leaning over the small boy, hands resting on the bed, looking at him with those stormy blue eyes. “I don’t want you to get over this. I wanna plunge into it... I don’t care if it’s a bad idea... I don’t care how, I just wanna be with you.” he said seriously, even shaking a little. Lucas wrapped his arms around his neck, pulling him down for a lazy, gentle kiss.

“I want this too. I’m not sure if I am ready for it... especially not in public... but as long as you kiss me, touch me or look at me like this... I don’t want anything else in this world.” Lucas whispered into his lips, looking into his eyes. A bright smile appeared on Eliott’s face, making his dark circles disappear, he looked so young, carefree and happy. The small boy totally loved that smile, he would do anything just to see it again. He pulled him back for a soft kiss. I could get used to this.

[thetaboochristian]

Some Mother’s Day Musings

Ok, so this post is going to hit a few different angles, as it relates to motherhood. I’ll mention a little bit about my mom, but I’m also going to throw a couple other philosophical ideas in here too the most people might not think about when it comes to Mother’s Day.

I’m totally not going to mention anything about “Rebecca” in this post, nothing really positive or negative, even though yes technically I mean she is the mother of my son... she has a new husband to celebrate her in that regard and that’s fine. I still love my son “Aaron” and... “Rebecca” has still taught him some good things despite all of the conflict you’ve already heard about in my previous content, and I believe that my son will still learn some great things from her in the future.

Ok so moving on from that, I want to first say thanks to my mom for all of the crazy things she put up with as I was growing up and even during much of my 20′s, since I still had to be around her a lot for work even when I wasn’t living with her anymore. 

Even though my mom and I have certainly had our rough patches, my relationship with her is WAY better than my relationship with my dad. With my Autistic brother requiring most of her attention growing up, and my dad not around or doing stuff with me that often, I spent most of my childhood alone. I mean yeah, my mom fed me and took care of my basic needs, but I spent most of my day playing or researching stuff on my own, or day dreaming... lots of day dreaming and philosophizing, even as a little kid.

You see, my mom feels kind of bad that she couldn’t spend more time with me as a kid, and while I understand it, it shaped me in a way that has helped me a great deal in my life as an adult. All of that time spent alone helped me become the intrepid researcher, scientist and philosopher that I am today. Because of that upbringing, I don’t mind being alone most of the time, and aside from my current desire for a wife (a good one this time around), I don’t have much NEED for friends, though I don’t mind socializing with others as long as they aren’t @$$holes and the socialization isn’t impeding on some big important project that I want to get done for my business or personal development.

So thanks mom, for loving me and supporting me through all of the awkward stages of my teens and early twenties as I figured out what I wanted to do and become in life. {*I’m writing this in her honor, but I sure as heck would never let her read this, or my blog as a whole that is at least, because I DEFINITELY don’t want her seeing some of the other things I’ve written about... they’re just not things that parent’s and their children want to hear or know about each other.*}

Ok so now, I’m going to get into something a little bit more abstract, regarding the mothering instinct and heart.

This is going to get a little spiritual here.

In Christianity, God is referred to as Heavenly Father, and if you believe the Bible is true, then you know that God Himself spoke that to people, told them that He was a He... however, God made human kind in God’s likeness... both the male and the female. So, in reality, while God may assume the form of a man/father, God also contains the feminine nature and mother-heart. God has an equal amount of masculine and feminine qualities inside of Him, in His heart and soul and mind. 

Interestingly enough, though I’ve often times considered what I’m about to say next as a curse, I noticed something interesting about myself when I thought about this concept of God’s dual masculinity and femininity. So... I am a man who has a good amount of masculine nature inwardly and outwardly, but I also have... maybe a little bit more of a feminine nature within my heart than most men do. I’m not effeminate, as like a gay man would be, but I think I have an interesting blend of masculine and feminine traits that makes me much more like God and Jesus than I once thought.

You see, Astrologically speaking, I am an Aries/Pisces cusp... I’m a mix of the two signs based upon when I was born. Aries is the MOST Alpha (Type A) of all the signs, and Pisces is the MOST Beta (or Type B) of all the signs. Aries is the most Masculine in terms of personality and behavior, and Pisces is the most Feminine in terms of personality and behavior. I would say that if I had to really break it down, I’m 65% masculine and 35% feminine overall, in regards to my personality, world view and lifestyle.

When it comes to tackling tasks that need to get done, or trying to fix some urgent problem that could wreak havoc on me or my family if it isn’t resolved soon, I’m 100% Aries mode, I’m like a bulldozer with nitrous tanks and a turbo! I’m attacking that problem with everything I’ve got and people better stay the heck out of my way and not hinder me unnecessarily. 

When it comes to socialization, I either have nothing to say or I’m almost too chatty. I never know which one is going to come out of me when I’m in a given situation. I guess I’m more feminine when it comes to having conversations with people.

When it comes to romance, I start off VERY Pisces-like (feminine), very slow and gentle and wanting to rub, cuddle, nuzzle and slow kisses, etc. Then, once that has started, I start turning more and more Aries-like again (masculine), increasing in intensity regarding the forcefulness of my touching, kissing, and expressing my burning flame through my voice and words. This is where I need a girlfriend/fiancé/wife who’s OK with being told blatantly X-Rated things that I want to do to her OR for her, once we’ve reached the point in our relationship where we’ve had the talk and know each other’s “Yes and No” list. If she can’t handle and enjoy dirty talk during the right times, she’s not the one for me. I need a woman who will let me fully express my sexual energy to her through words, and who will do the same to me. 

Once it gets to sex (which is only within marriage according to the principles I practice), I will naturally repeat the cycle of Pisces-like first, and Aries-like a few minutes in, and I’ll alternate back and forth throughout the time together unless she asks specifically for one or the other primarily. It really though, boils down to “Vanilla” days and “Not-Very-Vanilla” days, regarding my desires and expressions of them within a marriage.  

When it comes to managing a house hold, parenting, finances, etc, I’m very masculine. While I care about people’s feelings, they don’t come before the structure, cleanliness and integrity of our house, car, bank account, etc. I will NOT let my kid make huge messes, or I will ONLY let him make messes in designated places. I don’t mind saying NO to something that my kid would find fun if it can’t be done without damaging something in my house/car or wracking up a bunch of debt for something that’s not a necessity.

Finally, when it comes to movies, TV shows and books, I kind of rapidly cycle between Masculine and Feminine. Basically, anything in a story, show or movie that typically makes most women cry, it will make me cry too. I can’t help it. I really can't! Sometimes I’ve even gotten more teary eyed and emotional over something than my mom or one of my exes did. While that might be kind of embarrassing in one way, it shows what a genuinely caring and empathetic person I am. If I see something on TV about a little girl in a hospital bed and they bring in a therapy dog for her to pet and she get’s all excited and emotional about it, I’ll usually get a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. 

Same thing applies to tragic stuff in movies and shows. When there’s a 100 car pile up in the middle of a blizzard and people are trapped and freezing and rescuers have to go around and help people... that makes me tear up. When someones’ loved one is dying in a hospital bed... it makes me cry. I REALLY took it hard when I read 50 Shades of Grey and got to the end of the first book in the series and Christian Grey whipped Anastasia with a belt really hard over and over and she got so upset and cried and ran away and said to the effect of “WTF is wrong with you?! How can you enjoy doing something like this to a woman?!” I know that in the next story, Christian eventually learned his lesson and felt sorry and changed and became a better person, but my goodness... I understand LIGHT bondage/“Soft-Dom” and I’ve kinda grown into my interest in that (both to give and receive it in my next marriage if she’s willing), but I just can’t understand people who get pleasure out of INTENTIONALLY trying to inflict pain on other people. I guess I thought about it from the perspective of what I would or would never do to a woman who I loved. Arguments and hurt feelings are inevitable but physical harm... I could NEVER do.  

What’s so interesting about my Masculine/Feminine balance is, if you read the descriptions for Aries signs and Pisces signs, I’m like a 95% accurate match to BOTH of them, even though they are pretty opposing. This strange combination probably played a large part in what made me into a “Sigma Male”.

You’ve heard of “Alpha Males” and “Beta Males”, “Alpha Females” and “Beta Females”, but a SIGMA is one who has a unique balance of both Alpha and Beta characteristics, but this doesn’t make them “average”... it makes them incredibly special and unique. Most people are only either Alpha OR Beta (though there are some other types that are less common, like Omegas who just sit around all day goofing off and have no ambition or drive for anything except video games, internet and junk food.)

But anyway, SIGMA men and women are like lone wolves, they have some big grand mission in life that they want to accomplish, and they care little for the rules of Social Hierarchy. They can be friends with pretty much any clique but are rarely close to anyone except a romantic partner. They find socialization a waste of time many times, and prefer to spend most of their time doing something productive or pleasurable. Sigmas are the Christian Grey’s of the real world, in the sense that they prefer to be rich, mostly isolated people who are ABLE to socialize and be a people person but like to do so only when it fits their schedule. Minus the abuse part, I saw A LOT of similarities between Christian Grey and myself when it comes to how I would structure and manage my life if I had a lot of money. I’d be just like him, just with Christian moral values and no sadomasochism. If you look at all the other personality traits and world views, etc that he has, it’s probably 75-80% similarity to my thoughts and feelings and interests and world views.

While I couldn’t find any lists of famous people who are Sigmas, I did find some  links to webpages that explain Sigma’s in more detail. Even if it says it applies to Males, the characteristics pretty well cross over to women too, and I know because I used to date a Sigma girl, and she was the best girlfriend I ever had, even though we eventually broke up. 

Here are the links:

https://herway.net/life/11-traits-define-sigma-male/

https://hackspirit.com/sigma-male-11-things-they-do-and-how-you-can-become-one-too/

https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/dating-advice/sigma-male/

https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/9304/sigma-males/

SO... in closing...

What does all this Sigma stuff have to do with Mother’s Day and mothering nature? Well... I believe that Sigma men (straight ones that is) have a particularly high amount of “mothering instinct” without being effeminate or seeming devoid of masculinity. I believe that Sigma men and women both exhibit the most “God-like” or “Christ-like” nature just how they naturally are. I believe that it’s probably fair to say that GOD is probably a Sigma... if He had to be classified as having one specific personality type. God is the epitome of Masculinity AND Femininity (in all of their good ways), and I think that Sigma men and women are also like that... the best balance of Masculine and Feminine in one being. 

Come to think of it, my mom seems an awful lot like a Sigma to me, now that I think about it... and while my dad is a little bit more “Beta”, he also has a good bit of “Alpha” traits too, so when I consider what both my mom and dad are like, maybe that’s where I got my Sigma traits from... but more so from my mom... I’m sure. 

My dad for the most part taught me what I did NOT want to do or be like, and my mom for the most part taught me what I DID want to be like. Come to think of it, now looking back I think that my mom’s dad (who recently passed) seemed a lot like a Sigma male too. Maybe that’s where my mom got her’s from. My grandpa on my mom’s side taught her how to be a good hearted person and how to not take advantage of people or be greedy. He taught her how to be financially responsible and care for those in need who can’t help themselves. While some of my mom’s siblings may have not adopted all of those good life lessons and characteristics, thank God that my mom did.

While I may not have much good to say about my Dad or most of the people on his side of the family, I am sure thankful to have had all of the good lessons, teachings, foundation and love that came from my mom’s side of the family, which my mom passed on to me and lavished upon me, even when nobody else had my back. 

:) <3

Until next time, take care and God Bless!

“Luke Davidson” - Author of The Taboo Christian book and blog 

[myupostsheadcanons]

Books “Read” in 2019

I am going to rank these by how much i enjoyed them vs. any actual literary quality. often well written books aren’t always the most entertaining books.

Note: i listen to many of these books at work, which is why i am able to go through so many of them in a year.

List from 2017 List from 2018

------- My Favs of the Year ----

Novels from The First Law:

Best Served Cold (#1), The Heroes(#3), Red Country(#4), Sharp Ends(#5).

A Little Hatred (#2) (Age of Madness, sequel to The First Law)

I read “The First Law Trilogy” about a year or two ago and finally got around to reading the rest of the books, just in time for a new series taking place in the same world to start up (Age of Madness) and now i am waiting like everybody else for the next two books to come out in 2020 and 2021. A Little Hatred shouldn’t be read as a stand alone, a lot of what goes on is dependent mainly on knowledge from the first trilogy and in The Heroes, then bits and pieces from Best Served Cold and Red Country. So much of your enjoyment of each book is based on what you’ve learned in other ones (character development or seemingly useless information being not so useless later).

Age of Legend (Book 4,  Legend of the First Empire)

This is more-or-less an “aftermath” book where the main characters are still reeling about what happened in the previous book and are trying to make plans for what they are going to do next. I still like the characters and the world/setting it takes place in.

House of Assassins (Saga of the Forgotten Warrior, Book 2)

I’ve been waiting for the next book in this series to come out the second i finished the first book in the series. It is one of those Science fiction in the disguise of Fantasy settings and I am on the edge of my seat waiting to see how that plot/revelation comes out (I am certain that the location the story takes place is Earth, more specifically around Asia/India, but in a post-invasion apocalypse setting where nobody remembers anything prior to the invasion). I also really like how much of a badass Ashok is... i have a thing for emotionally stunted badass characters, especially when their flaws are held up to a mirror and have real consequences.

R. R. Haywood’s Worldship Humility & Extinct (Extracted, Book 3)

I love the way Haywood writes characters and dialog. I was at-first iffy about WSH, but was won over after i warmed up to the new characters.

Shades of Magic Trilogy (A Darker Shade of Magic, A Gathering of Shadows, A Conjuring of Shadows)

Solid multi-verse and magic system world. Well-written characters, some minor nitpicks on plot points, but can be easily ignored. LGBTQ rep, the gays don’t stay buried.

“Don’t you have enough [knives]?” “You can never have too many.” [me, every time: LOL]

One of the few times when a character deserves a redemption arc, doesn’t really get one, dies, and i am perfectly fine with it because it is done well.

Assassin’s Fate (Fitz and the Fool, Book 3)

I read this one in book-book form, but i already knew most of the emotionally painful parts of the book by spoiling it to myself when it first came out a couple years ago. The main appeal is the inner monologues of the two main characters, even if like 50% of this trilogy is basically spending weeks/months trying to go from Point A to Point B, when many other books would have glossed over the details of travel.. but you can really feel the stress as they dwell in their thoughts and struggles.

Madeline Miller’s The Song of Achilles & Circe

Re-Imagining of the Iliad and The Odyssey. Focusing not on the characters of Achilles or Odysseus, but on Petroclus (Achilles’ lover) and Circe the sea nymph witch that Odysseus had an affair and child with.

The Spear of the Stars (Cycle of Galand, Book 5)

Still love Dante and Bleys... This is where they really get into the meat of world building and solving the mysteries of the Arawn Cycle (the book/bible) and peel back the layers of their reality.

Dust (Silo Book 3)

A great ending to a good series, it answers whether or not humanity can or has survived what had caused them to be locked away in the silos.

Blackthorn and Grim (Dreamer’s Pool, Tower of Thorns, Den of Wolves)

I like the premise of the books, the two main characters first seeking out revenge, but end up wanting to become better people due to magic shenanigans.... One part Fantasy, One Part Mystery, One Part Lovestory.

The Dispatcher (Audible Free Book) 

I want a whole series based off this novella. It is John Scalzi so he can write a good story. I had previously read Android’s Dream by him, which it didn’t make it into my top-10 that year, but was still decent, even if the subject matter was a bit gross... The Dispatcher world is a Sci-Fi Noir, not quite Cyberpunk, where people don’t die by anything other than natural causes. The Dispatcher’s job is to kill people before something goes does wrong and the person “resets” to when they where safe and sound.

---- this is the “Above Average” Zone ----

All the Pretty Horses & Blood Meridian: Or the Evening Redness in the West

The master of bleak and depressing fiction. if regular Dark Fiction isn’t enough for you.... there is Cormac McCarthy books. Get use to the “purple prose” that fills up pages with no dialog.

The Golem and the Jinni

Supernatural world of the far past dealing with Edwardian New York and Immigration. It not only is a “fish out of water” story of the two main characters trying to fit in with society but they are among communities that are also new to America and trying to find their own place in the world. There are love subplots but most of those kind of fizzle out.

The Axe and the Throne: Bounds of Redemption Vol. 1.

“Discount First Law” book... it is lacking the dark humor that made TFL series far more entertaining.  This was also the book that was prefaced by warning people about how grim and dark the setting was... Hahahaha. I still found it entertaining none the less, and hope the rest would show up on audible soon.

Black Snow, White Crow (Audible Free Book) 

Another one of those short stories that should have a larger saga to its name. Fantasy Industrial Punk. It has the whole equality role reversal thing going on, it isn’t done quite as well as Left Hand of Darkness (but that book leaned onto the boring side of things).

Stephen King’s IT, Pet Semetary, and Carrie

It’s Stephen King. Classic King. Not much else to say.

Watership Down

Depressing Rabbit Book. Though I did like all the stories and mythology the rabbits had.

Bloody Acquisitions (Fred the Vampire Accountant, Book 3)

A series that is always fun to listen to. I wish the audio books were cheaper because they are rather short.

Lethal White (Cormoran Strike, Book 4)

shuddup, i don’t care if it is Rowling... i have a low-key crush on Cormoran.... he just hits that big-burly tragic-backstory man-shaped soft-spot of mine. These stories are also her “for adults” writings so...  expect more racism and garbage values.

The Eye of the World (Book 1, Wheel of Time)

Classic set up to a long running series, though i am reluctant to go further as the middling books in this series are said to drag out the story too much.... It’s not as self-centered as Wizard’s First Rule and the characters are more relatable and stick to their fantasy tropes. This is the “mold” that other modern fantasy try to subvert by going “darker and edgier.”

The Exorcist

If you like the movie, read the book. There is a lot of back story that the movie wasn’t able to adapt.

---- This is the “AVERAGE, but Still Good”  Zone ---

The Iliad and The Odyssey

Classics. I am still on the hunt for an unabridged version of Jason and the Argonauts story. I also have Virgil’s Aeneid in my wishlist to get too soon.

Phillipa Gregory’s Plantagonate Novels (The Lady of the Rivers, The Red Queen, White Queen, The Kingmaker’s Daughter)

Sometimes it is like reading the same book 5x in a row. other times you end up not liking the previous protagonist in a book you just finished reading because of how the current protagonist sees them from their POV.

Return of the King (Lord of the Rings, Book 3)

Read the other books last year and didn’t get around to this one for a few months.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Fuck... I’m a janitor... why can’t i afford a house?   If you liked Stephen King’s “IT” go back and read this book.

Alien Franchise Dramatizations: Alien: Sea of Sorrows, Alien: The Cold Forge (Audible Free Book) Alien III (Audible Free Book)

I don’t mind that they all are done with a full cast. Though often I end up wanting to find the actual book and listen to them with just one narrator and descriptions.

The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe (Narnia, Book 1)

I would like to get the rest of the books in this series, but for books that are only 5-7 hours long they want 20$ a book for them. It needs to go into an omnibus.

Stephen Fry’s Victorian Secrets (Audible Free Book)

It’s Stephen Fry... he’s funny and a good narrator.

Wizard’s First Rule (Book 1, Sword of Truth)

I don’t like Richard. He started off alright, but even before he got tortured 2/3rds into the book, i was starting to dislike his personality.  Other than that, the side characters and world are solid, but it was like taking an R-rated movie and cutting it down for TV. There is somethings that are vaguely described when i am use to harder fiction like ASoIaF, The First Law, Dresden, and McCarthy books actually describing those things.

Halloween (2018, movie novel)

Like I said when i first read the book, it would’ve benefited by a second re-write before being published. But, i like the movie and so I liked the book.

Don Quixote

Another classic read. I did find it hilarious that the Author spent a good chunk of the second book complaining about Fanfiction of his own book... in the 1600′s.

The Princess Diarist

I listened this book instead of going to see TROS. worth it.

Smoke Gets in Your eyes: And other Lessons from the Crematorium

Non-Fiction, If you want to know the ins and outs of the funeral business and get told in an informative yet non-clinical way with lots of tidbits and history facts tossed in as well as a semi-autobiographical account of the Author’s life.

--- These Books are “Alright” ---

Frank L. Baum’s Wizard of Oz books

I ligit got into an argument with a 70yo man in a comic book shop about how Canon the other Oz books were post Baum’s death. He was looking for Oz comic books and I brought up reading the first 14 books, and he’s like “There’s over 100 of them” and i was all “but all those are written by somebody else.” and he got all “they are still canon...” 

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

If you want to know about the In//cel ideology in a classic literary form, this fits the bill. So much man pain.

A Christmas Carol (Tim Curry) (Audible Free Book)

Tim Curry, guys.....

The Poetic Edda (Norse God Mythology)

I listened this book twice. I bought two Edda books thinking I’d get some extra content, but no... same book just different production teams and readers. Returned the one with the worst translation.

Treasure Island (Audible Free Book, dramatization)

I need to read the actual book sometime, but i did like the cast and thought they did a good job.

Wally Roux, Quantum Mechanic (Audible Free Book)

A YA coming of age story about diversity and acceptance... with wacky science fiction. 

Carmilla (Audible Free Book, dramatization)

The vampire before Dracula. Victorian Lesbian love story.

Even Tree Nymphs get the Blues (Audible Free Book)

A novella from one of those “love on the Bayou” romance series with supernatural creatures. Could practically take place in the same world of either True Blood, Dresden, or Fred the Vampire Accountant.

Mystwick School of Musicraft (Audible Free Book)

Harry Potter lite. For 10yo girls.

A Grown-up’s Guide to Dinosaurs (Audible Free Book)

I like dinosaurs.

Rivals! Frenemies Who Changed the World (Audible Free Book, Dramatization)

Interesting way on telling us about the Fossil Wars and Puma vs. Adidas.

True-Crime from Audible: Body of Proof (Audible Free Book),   Midnight Son (Audible Free Book), The Demon Next Door (Audible Free Book), Killer By Nature (Audible Free Book)

Why is True-Crime or YA fiction the only halfway-decent things Audible is giving us? But yeah, these are basically the type of reporting that the two journalists from Halloween were trying to do. Where they go around and gather up information about semi-famous cases and present it in a Podcast-like format.

---- Meh... ---

Camp Red Moon (Audible Free Book)

Would’ve been better if they were actually written by R. L. Stein.

More Bedtime Stories for Cynics (Audible Free Book)

No... half of these aren’t written very well.

The Darkwater Bride (Audible Free Book, Dramatization)

The setting is nice, but it is far too .... Soap Opera Dramatic.

Junk (Audible Free Book)

A cross between Alien Invasion and Zombie outbreak, read by John Waters and written as if it was a bad version of a Philip K. Dick Novel.

Rip Off!! (Audible Free Book)

Most of them are duds and boring. I don’t even remember half of them without having to look them up. The two that stood out the most for me where the “Other Darren/Bewitched” and the “Dark and Stormy Night” stories, the rest were rather garbled.

--- Garbage... ---

Dodge and Twist (Audible Free Book, Dramatization)

No, you are not being edgy or kool.

Unread:

Siege Tactics (Spells, Swords, & Stealth. Book 4)

Triumphant (Genesis Fleet, Book 3)

Earthsea (Tehanu and Tales from Earthsea, i am going to re-listen to the first three before i get to these)

Into the Wilds (Warriors, Book 1)

Pout Neuf (Audible Free Book)

House of Teeth (Audible Free Book)

Viva Durant and the Secret of the Silver Buttons (Audible Free Book)

The Other Boleyn Girl (Phillipa Gregory)

[bleepbloopclub]

gonna vaguely vent for a hot sec

had a rough day and just kinda need to get my thoughts out

i spent all day feeling anxious bc of an impending conversation w my mom and sister. the aftermath of the conversation arguably has made it worse, but either way i still feel anxious and now quite depressed. i cant quite elaborate on the content of the conversation since a lot of it was religious in nature and some might dismiss it as crazy or whatever, and a lot of this will probably seem that way to those of yall that dont believe but for the sake of this rant, just take it at face value pls. i’ll mention that i come from a bloodline of strong faith Christians, and even now its a big part of my identity. at one point in the conversation my mom mentioned how the Lord told her that the devil is gonna try to tempt us esp thru the lgbt and that we should stay away from that “lifestyle.” she read stuff from her Bible (NIV, which I have issues with cuz of how it translates this exact thing) abt how gay ppl wont go to Heaven. she said there’s no such thing as a gay Christian. this is what hasnt been sitting well w me all day.

i’ve known i was gay since i was 15 (if we’re being technical, im ace and homoromantic but my mom has vocalized that she thinks being ace is wrong too). and from a background like mine it took a long time and a lot of educating for me to be able to reconcile my faith. ultimately my sexuality strengthened my relationship w God. so what she directly contradicts what God has told me.

So basically im just kinda torn up. I don’t have any friends irl who are gay and Christian (hence me writing this post; to my irl friends who see this, thats why i didnt directly reach out to yall) so i dont really have anyone to turn to or talk to work thru this. i always knew i would have to hide my orientation(s) from my mom but this makes it feel worse? im doomed to hide for my whole life. like rather than keep any possible relationship a secret i shouldnt just try at all. idk it just feels terrible and super lonely. i dont know what to do to feel better

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Boy Erased

This is my last review of 2018! I wish I wasn’t ending on a downer, but that’s just the way it goes sometimes. This movie falls into the category of “films that I know I should see because they’re important but wowie wow what a drag” - basically most movies that get nominated for Oscars fall into this category for me. And Boy Erased is a true story about gay conversion therapy so, because I’m not Mike Pence, it’s hard to muster up the enthusiasm to watch something so depressing. So I guess the question is, what did this Important Oscar Movie teach me, and was it worth going to the movies for? Well...

I don’t know that it would teach me or any other LGBTQ folks anything they didn’t already know. But the performances are strong, the lessons are important, and the human connection is real. Directed by Joel Edgerton (who also stars as the lead counselor of the program) Boy Erased is based on the 2016 memoir of the same name by Garrard Conley and it details his time in a gay conversion therapy program. In the movie, our protagonist is named Jared Eamons (Lucas Hedges), and he is sent to this program by his fundamentalist Baptist minister/car dealer father (Russell Crowe) and his mother Nancy (Nicole Kidman). What follows is a detailed look at how Jared got here, and the “education” inflicted on the young men and women in the program. 

Some thoughts:

I hope you know I don’t mean this lightly - the absolute weirdest thing I have seen in a film in 2018 is the bassist of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Flea, in a polo shirt, screaming at kids about how to pray the gay away.

Nicole Kidman is getting all the buzz for an amazing performance, but honestly it was Russell Crowe that blew me away when I wasn’t expecting it. 

The most affecting thing about the entire Eamons family is that they truly believe this conversion therapy is going to work. The parents are doing this out of love, not punishment - they’re not kicking Jared out, they’re trying to save him, much as you would someone who has a drug addiction. And Jared wants to go fix his “problem” and has hope this program will do it! It’s all shown as very optimistic and positive for the family, which is unsurprising given the predatory nature of the business, but I was still a little shook up by it.

Lucas Hedges has to carry so much as Jared, and he does a fantastic job tapping into his anger and his confusion. I will say, I didn’t feel we got to see into Jared’s vulnerability very much - it always felt like there were walls around him. This makes sense given his inner conflict, but as a viewer, I wish I could have gotten more a sense of who he was when he wasn’t hiding.

[TRIGGER WARNING] Why was there a long, unflinchingly traumatic rape scene?? Why was it like this?? Joe Alwyn, why???

People laughed at the end of the film when it said Sykes (Joel Edgerton, the lead counselor) lived in Texas.......with his husband but um. That's not funny. It's awful and so sad that he tortured people in the name of something he couldn't accept about himself. We see what that does to Jared and the other kids, why would it be different for Sykes?

There were very few lesbians in the class, but there was one, Sarah (Jesse LaTourette) and I was so affected by her. She had very little time onscreen, but I wish we spent more time with her and her story, and Jared seems to feel the same way as they have a kindred spirit vibe about them that just feels heartbreaking.

In case any of this feels like it’s so far removed from reality as to be ridiculous, there is a scene at Jared’s dad’s car dealership where they pray at the beginning of the shift and I got vivid, visceral flashbacks to the work Christmas party at my last job in which the CEO led a 10-minute long prayer session blessing us all in the pure glory of Christ’s love. That shit is REAL, y’all.

Obviously we get to see the ugly details of the program up-close, and they’re meant to be shocking. Moral inventories of the participants’ family trees; role-playing exercises encouraging screaming matches against stand-ins for Dad; a mock funeral held for a participant (Britton Sear) followed by his family beating him with Bibles in front of everyone. It’s all awful, of course, but it just feels like a movie for straight people because the gays already know all this. We know the horror stories, we know the suicide statistics. So while I am VERY appreciative this movie exists, it’s a weird experience to feel like it’s meant for me while also not really meant for me at all. 

The grim reality of the matter is that ex-gay and gay conversion therapy programs are still legal in 37 states. And by sheer numbers and advocacy power alone, the straights are the ones who are going to have to wake up and fight that fight with us or else nothing’s going to get done. This movie is powerful, mainly from its emotional performances, but also a necessary teaching tool. Is it entertaining? I mean, i wasn’t bored. But mostly it’s important, and if you’re a fan of important movies, I can definitely recommend this one.

[asinfulpagan]

Do I Exist?

Do I Exist???

*This is a work of fiction, yet it’s also a work of truth.*

Do I Really Exist?

Being gay at any age I would imagine is a hard thing to do. From as far back as I can remember, I remember my older cousins, uncles and even my dad talking about “homos” and “fags” I wished so much I could scream into their ears, QUIT HURTING ME! Instead I listened, and then lost. I lost my spirit of living; then lost myself. Now, I have lost my soul. I remember during a cub scouts trip when I was about 10, another kid called this black boy a “nigger” I don’t know why I did it, but I beat the hell out of the kid who called him that. I guess somewhere; somehow, I too had already grown too familiar with hatred. But that’s for later anyways. I am writing this short story too simply try and inspire others. To save those like myself before they too must ask, Do I Really Exist?

Can this life be reality?

I went to church most of my childhood, until the preacher man told me God didn't want me. I see kids today and wonder if I was ever really that innocent. Now I sit, beaten down by pain. I always thought life was wonderful and miraculous experience. As a kid I dreamed of being a doctor. I wanted to go to Africa and cure AIDS. I wanted to be the man who a difference in the lives of everyone he touched. I wanted to be respected, I wanted to be loved, and I wanted to be accepted. Now I know none of these are possible. Not for someone like myself. Can this life be reality?

Of course it is, but why?

Obviously this reality is true. I know that the preacher man says God allows suffering because he allows freewill. God, what I wouldn’t give to have the freewill to stand up and declare “I EXIST! QUIT HURTING ME!” Yet I cannot. I cannot hurt my family by telling them. I couldn’t stand the idea of my own dad telling me I am not his. The preacher man already told me that my spiritual father disowned me. I could not handle my flesh father disowning me too. A boy needs at least one dad don’t he? Someone famous said once, “We suffer to learn” I should be a college professor on loneliness. So, can this life be reality? Of course it is, but why?

Why must I pay for sins uncommitted?

I have probably known I was gay since I was about six years old. I remember just a simple and innocent acknowledgement. It was never in words or thoughts, just in action. Where boys were running from the girls with cooties I was chasing the girls to play. Where the boys played sports, I was talking to the girls. Maybe people thought I would be a ladies man. Rock Hudson again I guess. My being gay has so little to do with a physical desire, and so much more to do with an emotional necessity. It is not from downstairs that I think, but from behind my heart. Yet, God has already abandoned me. My family has spent years making sure I know what they think. I have no guy friends, because they seem to think I will turn them gay somehow. I wish it where that easy to show others what pain my broken heart shields. Gay for a day, maybe then some of this world of pain would subside. Maybe then even God would reconsider me. Why must I pay for sins uncommitted?

How did I get infected with homosexuality?

Throughout my short life I have tried time and again to figure out what made me gay. As an early tween I thought it was something I was over-eating or maybe the old joke is true, it’s in the water. Yet, why am I the only one affected by this disease? I know others on the planet exist with this same condition, yet it seems they weren’t coming to help me. I was on my own in a world that wanted me to go away.

As an early teenager I tried to remember if anyone had ever hurt me. I read somewhere that sexual abuse is why people are gay. No such luck, I was perhaps psychologically and spiritually tortured, but none of this could be the cause of my infection. Now I fear the worst, it’s not a disease, which means there is no cure.

With the lack of a specific event, thought or emotional deficiency in which I made the choice of being Gay, I can only assume that I was born this way.

If God does not make mistakes, how can I be gay?

I always thought babies where pure and innocent. Yet this baby grew into a kid who was not wanted. Then a tween that was too scared to find himself. So I became a teen with only so many options. I know I was born this way. I know I was taught not to be who I am. I know I tried to change from being this evil entity to what the world wanted of me. Oh how I tried so desperately, but now I know I was born this way. Yet If God does not make mistakes, how can I be gay?

By the time I was 13 I had experienced others hatred.

Besides protecting the dignity of that little boy in cub scouts, I have had hundreds of run-ins within my short life. As a kid I would hear other boys calling anyone they didn’t like a “fag” I was grateful it wasn’t me they were talking about, yet I was ashamed I wasn’t the gay super-hero I had always dreamed would come and rescue me. I guess the gay super-hero doesn’t exist. I wonder if heroes exist at all. How could they with the pain we all suffer? Whose soul is strong enough to really fight this kind of a battle? Not mine, that’s for sure.

Even today I cannot understand the pain that people afflict onto each other. All I scream and cry out for is love. Maybe that’s what we all cry out for. Maybe the lack of a response to our cries is where the pain comes from. I still believe in God, even if he doesn’t want me too. Today I prayed that someone would answer the next kids cry.

I remember as a kid, I was sitting with my parents in the living room. They were watching the news, while I played with a deck of cards. Then the news story broke; the story that forever changed me; the story that made me afraid to go to sleep, yet afraid to wake up. Mathew Shepard had been beaten then crucified. I guess the preacher man wasn’t lying after all. Jesus died for your sins but not mine. For mine, we must all be crucified physically, spiritually or emotionally. For sins like mine, we must atone ourselves for no church will offer a God that allowed his son to die for me.

By the time I was 13 I had experienced others hatred. Now, at 16, I must atone for my sins. I have suffered two of the three punishments I must in order for God to forgive me. The only one left is physical. I hope God finds I have paid enough for this unnatural sin. Now that I think about it, it has been other people’s hatred that has allowed me to even experience my own self-hatred. Turns out I can beat myself up better than ten gay bashers ever could.

By 15 I had already lost three teeth because of hatred.

Around the age of 13 I also made another mistake. I told the one guy friend I had, that I was gay. The next day after school, two of his friends hit me in the face with a big board until a tooth fell out and blood covered my face. That was when my crucifixion began. I only wish it wasn’t as slow as it has been. Over the next two years I lost a couple more teeth to rumors. Each time I lost a tooth, I thought of Mathew Shepard. I would wonder if this was it. If this time it wouldn’t be just some blood and teeth, but that I too could stop suffering. My face hurt a lot, my mouth looked like I had been hit by a car, and my soul had already died. Where once a soul lived now only the darkness of self-hatred can thrive.

Now, at 16, I am beaten down.

My mouth still isn’t completely healed. I don’t know if that one tooth will ever come back, and the signs of a tortured life show all over my body. Old broken bones that never healed right show their distress. I never told my parents about my fights, so they assumed I was a clumsy kid. How could I ask for a doctor when I would have to explain why I needed one? Besides allowing me to pay for my sins, the physical pain also allowed me to remember that I am subhuman. It is best to remember that when being a deviant like myself. God demands I remember that. I will never gain his forgiveness if I think my sins are as natural as everyone else’s. I have been beaten down in so many painful ways. I have paid for my sin for as long as I can. Now, at 16, I am beaten down.

So, I shall pay my final price.

A life that once held so much potential has been traded for a life of sacrifices. Even sitting here, I still haven’t the courage to tell anyone else that I am gay. It was never the physical pain or death that I feared. It was always the loss of my family’s love that scared me into a slow and silent death. I wish the old tale were true and love could be blind. Then my family and God wouldn’t hate what I am so much. Life though, has proved that love is not blind. The world has taught me what suffering is, and God taught me that all sins are not forgiven. The bible says “if a man also lies with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Mathew Shepard was the reality of this message from God. My life has been spent living the message of God it seems. I will not fail him; I will fulfill his desires for me. Then, maybe, he will at least allow me to sleep outside the gates of Heaven.

My life.

My life has so very little meaning left in it. It really isn’t a life as much as it’s a purgatory. An event that was designed just for me to pay back to God what I had cheated him of. He created me to be a good person and to help those in need. Instead I threw it all away by being gay. For this one sin, no amount of retribution will save my soul. That’s OK though, my soul left me a long time ago anyways. As if it too where ashamed of me. My life hasn’t been a life since I was a toddler. All the time since then has been my suffering. How I wish I could have been given a chance to do something with My life.

Do I exist?

To a world that wishes people like myself didn’t exist I say have patience. You are slowly killing us without even having to use a weapon. You go to our schools and lecture the next generation on the abomination of homosexuality. You get laws written to ensure gays will never be anything but subhuman. You even manage to make sure the Boy Scouts will eliminate any kid that walks my path. You have ensured no compassion for an entire minority.

Do I Exist?

Yes!

Do you care?

I wish someone would have or even could now; then I wouldn’t be writing my on suicide letter. As in life, this too is done alone. They say in your final moments you will experience the love of God as your beacon of light to go towards. I still don’t feel the presence of God.

***********

Robert

*This is a work of fiction designed to help open the hearts and minds of those who desire it. Every year more and more gay or lesbian teenagers feel the suffering offered in this story.

don’t be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

(c) Copyright 2007-20011 www.Facebook.com/commanderchase

*** I want to thank whoever pointed out to me that every reason given in this letter has been fixed in our society

this was an old piece of mine written more than 15 years ago I'm glad to see that change comes pretty quick.

[birbofathena]

twitter has a character limit, which is why we’re here

hi there. it's been a lil while, huh.

scrolling through my twitter, i found this (seen below) and i'm in the mood for rambling on and on so woo here we go.

Have you ever

1. skipped class

never with the intent of skipping class. i've missed quite a lot of class in my time, but my brain gets awful sick in the winter, which really inhibits my ability to do "normal human" things. i see a therapist every two weeks.

2. done drugs

nah. addiction plagues my paternal family line, and we're seeing glimpses of it in my brother as well. will i try drugs? maybe weed. anything that can be a one-and-done thing, just to try it. never nicotine. never alcohol.

3. self harmed

nope. i have an irrational fear of the consequences that might come of that specifically, and frankly i'm better off for it. heaven knows i've spent enough time thinking about that for one lifetime.

4. drank

see question two. it's funny that a differentiation between alcohol and everything else exists, imo.

5. shoplifted

i don't think so. i'm really starting to wonder about the demographic that this question set was originally made for.

6. gotten a tattoo

nope! maybe one day. probably a nice little flower, with an inkling of color peeking at the edges of its petals. probably on my back somewhere, so that i'm always a bit surprised when someone points it out. "oh yeah, i have that. cool, huh?"

7. broken up with someone

once. even then, we weren't official. my reasoning was that i wasn't ready, though frankly i think we both weren't. i didn't even know what i wanted. perhaps what i do want is something that maybe not a lot of high-schoolers want - something pragmatic, honest, somewhat more private. or that could be what most people do want. i really don't get out that much.

What's your favorite

8. show

my gut response is over the garden wall. i love, love, love fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood too, though i'm waiting until i have the chance to watch it with a friend of mine to finish it. it's sooooooo intense. don't spoil me, please!

9. movie

i'm not a real movie type of person, so i always default to the movies that i grew up watching whenever this question is asked - the incredibles, the lion king, monsters inc. ...

10. song

you might as well ask, "who's you're favorite child?" there are simply too many. here, if you want to feel out my taste for music, this is my main playlist. feel free to follow that (and me) for more! i get a kick out of having followers on spotify, for some reason. (sidenote: i created a whole new account so that i could change the username, so that account really needs some love again. curse the constant state of toil for consistency i'm in. everywhere the world must know me as birbofathena.)

11. artist

i read a lot of webcomics, so while i can't speak of any historic artists, i do think you should definitely check out ari (and his comic here), owen (and the comic she writes and colors for here), toby (and his comic here), and vi (and her comic here).

12. singer / band

this is an easier question, because i can just take a look at whom i listen to the most. now, i listen to a lot of ambient music, so right off the bat, i can recommend moby, ulrich schnauss, balmorhea, and chihei hatakeyama. speaking about the more "mainstream" artists, i like marina, mgmt, elton john, the 1975, patti page, and tessa violet.

13. memory

lately i've been thinking a lot about how i, as a kid, spent my time laid on the cement by the yard of my first house, watching the bees work on the clover. from one small flower to the next. watching them dig through the petals in search of nectar. it may not be my favorite, but it's what comes to mind.

14. book

i'm reading the poisonwood bible right now, which has been so fantastic. seriously, read it if you haven't yet. aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe is another excellent book.

This or that

15. invisibility or the ability to fly

invisibility, because violet is my favorite character from the incredibles. she's so cool. also worth noting: you start flying everywhere, and soon enough you'll find that you've become a living carnival ride.

16. cookies or cake

when done right, cake every time. cookies produce more consistent results though - as far as pleasing me goes - so long as there's chocolate somewhere within. ~~cookies without chocolate are an atrocity.~~ EDIT (10TH MAY '19) - jamie, u ignorant slut. i completely forgot about sugar cookies, in their entirety. forgive me. cookies can live their lives as they please. i know nothing.

17. twitter or facebook

twitter. hell, anything that isn't facebook. facebook's the place that moms go to to eat each other alive. having a facebook account is plain unhealthy.

18. movies or books

depends, really. there're awful movies who have awesome book counterparts, and vice versa. and to be fair, each medium offers things that the other one can't. if you were to ask me though, i'd say books. the feeling that you get when you reach the end of a book is like no other.

19. coke or sprite

this is a lame question, and everyone knows it. the real question on everyone's mind is: coke or pepsi? and i am a pepsi drinker. though the flavored cokes that've been coming out lately are pretty tasty as well. f me up with that strawberry guava, yes please.

20. blind or deaf

anxiety or depresson? brain cancer or pancreatic cancer? alzheimer's or parkinson's? need i say more?

21. tea or coffee

i haven't actually ever tried coffee, though i've been told that i'd like it (due to my liking dark chocolate so much)! i don't really like most teas though; i'll only drink this one herbal tea called bengal spice which is a pseudo-chai tea.

What's your

22. age

i'm 18. i was born 18th february, 2001, at 18:18. whew.

23. sign

pisces sun, capricorn moon, virgo rising

24. height

5′8″ or 173 cm

25. sexual orientation

gay

26. shoe size

9.5 in US mens

27. religion

i don't associate myself with any one religion. i think it's one of those things that's good for some and terrible for others. just do what makes you happy.

28. longest relationship

tbd. the non-relationship described in question 7 went for nearly three weeks.

Opinion on

29. gay rights

i always hear that a lot of homophobic people are lgbt themselves, which is strange to me. though i suppose it's in my nature to be unforgivably confrontational when it comes to inner turmoil, so i'll never really be able to understand homophobic lgbt folk. it goes without saying, then: i support "gay rights," if that's even a differentiation we want to make. i also support "women's rights," "homeowners' rights," and "dogs' rights."

30. second chances

i think for the most part i can empathize with those whom have struggles and missteps i haven't personally experienced. i am a very feeling person. there is an exception to this, but only when one's done something so blatantly wrong - decisions driven by greed or malice.

31. long-distance relationships

tough and complicated. having a relationship through messaging allows both parties to understand how the other thinks - their opinions, their emotions. essentially how their brain functions, because there are few things more idiosyncratic than language, and writing allows one to take full advantage of that. however, having a relationship in-person grants this knowledge, and so much more. (no one said that in-person relationships can't include any messaging, anyway.) we don't speak with just our tongue. what about the silent conversations? what about physical compatibility? like i say, it's tricky, but i think it's more-or-less doable.

32. abortion

i'm pretty pro-choice. if one'd like to offer up their child for adoption, that'd be cool, but no one should feel obligated to do so. whatever you're comfortable with is what i'll support you doing.

33. the death penalty

absolutely not, not ever. it costs more to pull that trigger than it is to sentence someone to life in prison. they must be absolutely sure that they have the guilty before killing them, which takes a long time to decide, and attorneys' time is expensive. and if a mistake is made and an innocent person is killed, boy, do you have one hell of a lawsuit on your hands. not only that, but it is so hypocritical of us to be killing someone... for killing someone. the whole thing doesn't make sense, and i'll tell you why it's still around: people want to kill, kill, kill anything that is bad, bad, bad. dog bites your child? kill that monster. say goodbye to the family pet. people feel so strongly that they've triumphed over evil when they see this drastic result - a carcass underneath their feet. to hell with that.

34. marijuana

i keep saying this: do what you want. marijuana doesn't hurt anything. humans have been doing it ever since we discovered fire. it's absurd that we regulate it now.

35. love

love. it's different for everyone, but for me, it's an enhancement of life. not something necessary, but something that's nice to have. to have someone to bounce ideas off of 24/7. to have someone to turn to in a crisis. to have someone who mourns with you after a loss. indeed, one can face these alone with relative ease, but it's just easier to have someone by your side along the way.

Do you

36. believe in ghosts

yes. old houses might just as well have a mouth, they have so much to say. brand-spanking-new houses are barren, lifeless. i know you know this feeling. ghosts aren't necessarily the malicious, turbulent spirits everyone wants you to believe. they're the vestiges of life, left behind by anyone who's ever felt strong enough to leave them.

37. shower facing the shower head or away from it

away from it, always. who faces the shower head? do they shower with their eyes closed the whole time? just... what?

38. sleep with the door open or closed

i sleep with it closed, though i need to start leaving it open more. it's been getting awfully stuffy.

39. love someone

no. it's not something i'm currently looking for, though my therapist did ask in my last session... i don't know. will it be something i will ever truly look for? i hate the idea of online dating, though that's just my first impression. i just don't know.

40. still watch cartoons

of course. i watch plenty of anime, but if that doesn't count as "cartoons," i also watch and rewatch steven universe, over the garden wall (as mentioned above), and gravity falls.

41. have a boyfriend / girlfriend

nope.

42. like yourself

hell yeah.