#nandor you fucking stupid shit man

[draculasdatter]

i literally cannot think too deeply about The Bite. like. he was in the harsh sterile lights of a GAS STATION. with DEREK, arguably the worst vampire of all time. took his little cardigan off:(. realized what he was doing. said “maybe im not ready..” and then.. the Bite. like. it can’t be undone. can’t be RE-done. can’t be taken back. he deserved a dark room covered in a hundred candles and a velvet cape and maybe some red wine and violet roses. and a very serious nandor grasping his hand, kneeling by his side, gently talking him through the process until finally sinking his fangs into his familiar’s soft neck with the delicacy of a decade of pining :(

[superectojazzmage]

I made a post back when the previous season of What We Do In The Shadows ended (which I can’t seem to find now, thanks for nothing, Tumblr) discussing how it ended the way it did because the whole central theme of the show is really how bad people trap themselves in Hells of their own making where nothing ever changes for the better because they refuse to make the effort to work on their flaws and how, once you cut through the jokes and metaphor, it’s really a show about a group of social parasites slowly destroying whatever joy they could have in life because they’re too set in their toxic ways to do even the bare minimum of treating other people decently, let alone actually doing something good with their lives.

And I bring this up, because the season premiere, I think, just drove the point home EVEN HARDER. Because despite everything that happened in the previous season, the vampires and Guillermo have ended up literally directly back at square fucking one. After everything, every zany scheme, every wacky adventure, every interaction with others, they’ve wound up right back where they started as they always do; puttering around the same shitty old mansion they’ve been in for years. They destroy every possible escape from that godforsaken house and no matter what they try, they inevitably drift back to it because it’s the only place for a group of people like them.

Nandor is still doing stupid shit because of how stuck in the past he is and still burying his feelings constantly. Lazlo is still a bungling moron who’s not nearly as skilled as he thinks he is and still has nobody to hang out with socially except his wife and Sean. Nadja is still whining about never getting what she wants after having literally burned down the best thing to happen to her in years. Colin is still leeching off everyone around him with no meaning in his life except boring others and he doesn’t even remember how Lazlo cared for him while he was regenerating. Even Guillermo FINALLY getting turned into a vampire changed absolutely nothing about his life; the process isn’t working like it’s supposed to — probably because of his vampire hunter bloodline — and nothing has improved about his life. He’s still just playing butler to the vamps and getting nothing but disrespect for it.

I love this show, man. It’s an absolutely brilliant deconstruction of the whole concept of sitcoms, pointing out how toxic, pathetic, and weird a group of friends in real life who do nothing but making snarky comments for a nonexistent camera and getting into wacky situations would be, while at the same time being a legitimately hilarious example of the genre. If it weren’t a silly comedy about vampires, it’d probably be a hard-hitting drama about a bunch of drug addicts squatting in a dilapidated rental being toxic to each other and only leaving to go on benders they don’t even remember after and that is oddly brilliant.

[deadthingposting]

Man imagine you are nandor

Weather or not you have romantic feelings for your familiar is besides the point but you truly like the guy and cares about him a lot, familiars are supposed to be those disposable little things that you shouldn't give a shit about, but you care about your familiar , so much so you actually planned to turn him despite considering vampirism a curse

Then you fuck up

Like A real fuck up

You did fucked up before but this time something seem to have actually been broken

And at first everything seems to be alright but then he started drifting away, avoiding you, worse he starts hanging out with Laszlo for the only thing you are insecure about things involving intelligence.

You tried to get his attention but it didn't work at all

And then Nadja gets into as well, and you are not that stupid for fucks sake, they are hiding something from you, your only two friends and your familiar/bodyguard/best man/friend (lover maybe?) Are hiding something from you .

And when you discover its worse than anything you could've thought, he betrayed you, got turned behind your back by some nobody but not only that all your fears were confirmed once he had the fucking bite he distanced himself from you he threw you away like an old toy, worse your two roommates now without the disgust for his existence as a familiar choose him over you because now they see the brilliant creature he is, he has Laszlo's intelligence he has Nadjas thirst for power he can be a better friend to them more well matched

And it didn't matter even why they choose him

And you are more than ever a fur little speck of dust in a lonely uncaring universe

[hobgoblinsandpeachfuzz]

Some Days You Can't Get Rid of a Bomb (Fill 3)

Nandor x Guillermo

“What’s the big deal, so what, why does it matter?” Nandor was terrible at a great many things. But this. This particularly was fucking egregious.

“The big fucking deal, you fucking donkey, you shit for brains nonsense malaka,” his darling Nadja continued her tirade of insults and barbs, rightfully earned by their dear Nandor. 

Laszlo himself was just. Aghast. For once in his long life, he could not bring himself to speak. What was there to say?

Nandor had finally fucking admitted that he was in love with Guillermo.

And that he had been for 14 years. 

And that he had simply resolved to never say anything.

“Yeah, man, uh, even I got nothing for that, that’s just too interesting,” Colin looked positively sick. And smelled it too, honestly. He and Nadja shared an identical noise wrinkle as Colin Robinson began fart something fierce.

“Come on, fucking guy,” Nandor groaned and Colin Robinson held his stomach and waddled out of the foyer.

“Yeah, this is just too much for me, guys, I gotta take a dump.”

“Colin Robinson!” Nadja roared, and Laszlo finally found the words, trying to move past the stench.

“Nandor what the fuck did you hope to achieve? By not telling him? You could’ve been fucking and rutting and mooning to your hearts’ content, and instead we have this? Handsome bearded Guillermo and all his problems and your emotional constipation about it? And Colin Robinson’s actual constipation?”

It took him a few blinks, a few opening and closings of his mouth, but finally Nandor shrugged.

“He doesn’t love me. So I didn’t want to make it a… A thing.”

“A thing?!”

“Are you shitting me?! Are you fucking stupid?!” He and Nadja spoke at once, and worse yet.

“You think I don’t love you?”

They all whipped around, Guillermo walking in, arms full of groceries of raw meat. 

Laszlo looked to his wife. Nadja looked to him. They both turned as one to Nandor.

Who looked like he was caught fucking a ghost and badly at that. 

Guillermo laughed. “Of course I love you. I’m in love with you, Nandor. I always have been.”

Ah, well that was a nice little turn—of course, with his incredible intellect, he did know that, but still nice to just put all that out in the open.

Nadja smiled at him, pleased, even a little proud, clapping a little applause for their brave Guillermo.

And so, they turned once more, a trio this time, to Nandor, to see what he would say.

In a flash he was gone into smoke. Quite literally, the sneaky bastard turned into fucking smoke and ran away.

“Bugger,” Laszlo grumbled.

[cookinguptales]

i’m so obsessed with your meta omg i feel like so many of the takes on the nandermo tag are built around the idea that Guillermo is not capable of being mean/evil or acting selfishly or when he does it’s yay girlboss and it just reads as a bunch of people infantilizing this grown ass man. and they end up completely demonizing Nandor by proxy. sometimes they can admit Guillermo has little value for human life but don’t acknowledge his ability of being a manipulative asshat to the other main characters?? i know he’s been a victim of them many times but limiting him to just that is so boring. and considering i see similar things in other fandoms where there are ships in which one is minority and the other isn’t (which isn’t precisely the case with nandermo but still) i’m guessing Guillermo being fat and latino has something to do with it. is like people are scared of pointing out his flaws as a person and being accused of racism/fatphobia. or maybe they put him in this “can do no wrong” pedestal to avoid properly engaging with him idk. that’s not the point though. the point is i love your takes on Guillermo and i love how he can be so fucking cool while being an utter piece of shit. he really became my #1 blorbo after discovering your blog

idk about those theories, but I will say that both Nandor and Guillermo absolutely should be demonized! and loved thoroughly despite that!

Honestly, I've been stupid into Guillermo since the show started, and I do remember what some of the rumblings were like before nandermo was a popular ship. Even back then, people had a way of softening Guillermo's faults. And I mean -- genuinely, I think it's just Harvey? He's so cute and endearing that you just straight-up forget what a monstrous little shit Guillermo can be.

I get it! I do! Those doe eyes are a lot to look past! But my favorite thing about Guillermo is how feral and awful he can be with the sweetest of smiles on his face. He absolutely is cute and sweet and adorable! And probably also the most selfish and dangerous person in the entire cast. He wants to be the straight man (so to speak) of the cast so badly, but he's just as unhinged if not more than the vampires are.

The thing is... like, he's a terrible person, but they all are! I'm a little leery of arguments that he's uniquely awful or that he's uniquely good. Guillermo is a lot of things all rolled up into one and I love that for him. I don't see any point in flattening his character into just good or just bad when it's all of his complicated curves and angles that make me love him so dearly.

Sometimes he'll give up everything he ever wanted to make one of the vampires happy. Sometimes he'll emotionally manipulate them into giving him what he wants. Sometimes he has low self-esteem and has a hard time seeing the good in his mortal self, and sometimes he has a hilarious ego on him. Sometimes he'll be sweet and thoughtful and kind, and other times he'll be so casually cruel that it's kind of stunning. He'll save a fellow familiar's life, then make fun of a human after luring them in with promises of friendship only to feed them to his real friends.

He's a mess of self-centered, self-deprecating, self-aggrandizing, self-effacing, selfless, selfish insanity and I love that for him!! It's not that he doesn't have an internal logic to his actions; he very much does. He's just also good at self-justification, perhaps more than any of the rest of them, so he can make all of these qualities rest uneasily against each other.

Man, I love Guillermo. He's such a messy little shit and such an utter sweetheart. I want to write a million words about him.

[ancient-immie-blog]

Holy Shit

Okay after living on my own for 15+ years, I have had to move in with my parents (Thanks Hurricane Ian, for flooding my house and destroying most that I own ya dick!) and holy shit. Two 70+ year old people, its like children who can drive and drink.

I’m grateful that they wanted me to come live with them.

Not in the sense of I’m trying to keep them from doing stuff like a toddler or baby sense. Fuck me. This is why I’m not having kids, I have no patience for myself, a mini person of me is not happening.

I forgot how ingrained technology and internet stuff is in Gen X and the later generations. We know it because we had to learn it. I’ve been a denizen of the Internet since 1994. I know, I’m teh oldz. I’m pretty up on shit, or I’d like to think so.

Its like trying to teach Lazlo, Nadja and Nandor how to operate the interwebz. They’re not stupid people, not implying that. Its just they don’t fully listen.

My father’s hard of hearing and much like his father, doesn’t wear his hearing aids all the time. Yet, this man puts his glasses on every morning because he can not see without them. But he sits around the house without hearing aids and its like:

He gets snippy if we shout for him to hear us and he does have them in. He says that if he wears them for the day that it takes forever to charge them.

My Stepmom is one of those she gets most of the info and then runs with it, getting frustrated when its not completely right. She’s a lovely person, though she do be saying things and I’m like:

And I am not it. No srsly, you can’t say that shit. No, “you’re old” isn’t an excuse anymore. I think it’s jut there was no thinking before saying shit.

I find myself going back to teenage behaviors of listening to music, isolating myself, watching YT all the time, getting out of the house. I am trapped between two grown ass adults who are watching TV all day, on two different TVs with the volume competing. There are days that I’m so over stimulated from being stuck between them I’m ready to scream.

Ugh, that makes me a 40 year old teenager...dude, teenaging far, far beyond the point of this is fine.

[iolikethemoon]

Listen, I could see what Nandor was going to do from afar but I thought he would do it because of (even) worse reasons (wanting to put Guillermo jealous OR because he was -consciously- jealous).

[poorly-drawn-dinosaur]

anotha wwdits headcanon i have is that vampires have different types of bats and that influences how they eat/act

edit: after further research and reading (plus some very helpful comments on this post), i’ve realized the colin robinson headcanon is inaccurate. furthermore, i do believe he’d do it to piss everyone the fuck off and, as the once great john mulaney would say, throw them off their rhythm. thank you <3

lazlo is a barbastelle bat. native to england, they have smushed faces and huge ears. i think lazlo has the largest appetite out of all of them, so he needs the best hearing

nadja would be a mediterranean horseshoe bat!! they got silly little noses and she’s just a silly little vampire (also she most definitely would give you rabies)

nandor is obviously a fruit bat/flying fox. big and hairy? check. looks intimidating but is a huge sweetheart? check. my favorite bat? check! he’s just a big lovebat!! would definitely fly and snuggle against guillermo

now, colin. he’s an energy vampire so he can’t shapeshift right? WRONG!! man turns into a dwarf hamster. my friend used to have one and let me tell you: it was the most annoying piece of shit. he’d naw on everything and eat all the fucking plastic. but at least he’s cute (and hamsters also have a super short expiration date so it lines up). has a stupid plastic ball that doll nadja rolls around to piss him off

bonus: if guillermo were (and SHOULD TOTALLY) to be a vampire, he’d be a cute little mexican free tailed bat!! they have dopey little faces, and their ear ridges kinda look like a knit

i might be the only person that finds bat assigning fun but it’s been rotting in my skull for a while so here we are

[teacupsandcyanide]

The outcome I honestly want most is “Colin Robinson comes back as a fucked up baby and the vamily have to raise him for s4”, which I’ve seen circulating around and am constantly delighted by

Mostly because I am just a big slut for accidental baby acquisition tropes and “idiots have to look after kid” and any kind of adoption theme however vague and tenuous but I argue that with this we could get endless comedy potential:

• They argue over what to call him now. Nandor says they should just keep calling him Colin Robinson because he’s still Colin Robinson. Nadja says that’s fucking stupid look at him you idiot he’s a tiny stupid baby and what are we going to do when we need to distinguish between talking about old Colin Robinson or this thing. Guillermo suggests Collie Rob and Nandor tells him to stop larking about and take this seriously please.

Laszlo: No wait. He’s into something. Cummy Bobs.

Guillermo: [chokes] we can’t - we’re not calling the baby Cum- that

Laszlo: He’s MY BABY I get to name him

Guillermo: YOU CANT you can’t call a baby that it’s so inappropriate

Laszlo: [voice warbling with emotion] How so? Respecting a dying man’s wish is inappropriate? Sounds like you’re the one projecting YOUR weird shit onto Cummy Bobs

• Laszlo acts like a new mother who is convinced her baby can do no wrong even though the last time Cummy Bobs got out onto the front lawn they found it hunched over the unconscious postman, eyes glowing bright blue, chuckling an adult man’s chuckle

• Nadja goes through a phase of dressing Cummy Bobs up in her collection of dead Victorian baby dresses which she calls that bc they’re all from dead Victorian babies. More arguments break out over how to dress the baby and Guillermo has to settle things by sewing little baby sized replicas of Colin’s old clothes

• Nadja Doll objects loudly to sharing Nadja’s attention, and the attention of the household at large, who have fussed over her since her little tantrum. She does not want to have her picture taken with him in matching outfits. She does not want to share her little swords with him. Generally acts like a jealous first child. Repeatedly tries to murder Cummy Bobs, who is blithely impervious to all attack. This makes Nadja Doll even more murderous. The others don’t take it seriously, except for Guillermo, who is deeply alarmed when he finds Nadja Doll trying to assassinate Cummy Bobs.

Guillermo, holding a smiling Cummy Bobs in one arm and a screaming kicking biting Nadja doll in the other: [panting] Guys. Guys I just found - she - she was trying throw him down the well

Nadja, unbothered, working on making the VC website even more awful: Oh good they’re finally bonding

Guillermo: What NO she was trying to kill him again it’s the fifth time this week

Nadja: [looking at him over her glasses] Little Gizmo. You didn’t have siblings did you?

Guillermo: Actually -

Nadja: Exactly. I had 17 and believe me baby this is just what it’s like! He’ll look back on this with very fond memories! [over the sound of Nadja Doll snarling and trying to bite Cummy Bobs] you know I remember the first time my brother Andrei threw me down a well!! Oh how we laughed and I screamed and bit him on the ankles…

• Episode where Guillermo has to go away for the night and expresses deep doubt that the vamps can be trusted with looking after the baby without him around. Cue the vamps being strenuously and melodramatically offended by such spurious accusations. And of course the moment Guillermo leaves the house a never ending sequence of catastrophe breaks loose wherein Cummy Bobs is drowned, set on fire, dropped off the roof, and nearly thrown headfirst into the meat-grinder Guillermo uses for body disposal. He’s comedically unharmed, obviously, but by the end of the night the vamps are a dilapidated shell of their former selves from trying to simply feed and bathe and clothe the baby and put it to bed as Guillermo instructed.

• Obviously the baby wears Colin’s glasses

[orangechickenpillow]

Get ready, folks, cause here I go...

So in the casino episode when the vamps are trying to make Guillermo feel like “part of the group” (to Nandor’s very adament request, might I add), Nandor is all into it when Nadja asks Guillermo if he has a girlfriend. He’s laughing and nodding and generally encouraging the conversation. 

But then Laszlo asks Guillermo if he has a boyfriend, and boy does Nandor’s whole demeanor change. He shoots Laszlo a Look™, then stares very intensely at Guillermo while the poor guy struggles to answer. 

I mean:

 This is the face of a man who is regretting all of his life choices. This dumbass is in pain.

Nandor gets visibly uncomfortable, no longer smiling, but rather looking very much like he wants to conversation to be over. And when Guillermo talks about how in his family, it wasn’t really okay to talk about your personal life (which is really fucking sad, by the way), Nandor nods and then shifts in his seat, as if to say: “See, there, we don’t need to talk about it.”

But then when Laszlo keeps talking about it, bringing up that the best thing in the world is fucking (his words, not mine), Nandor just sort of... bluescreens and stares at Guillermo like all his braincells have just fled the scene. 

I have never in my life seen a Look so intense as the one pictured above. I mean -- what can I even say about this. 

Also, 

If you were to look up the definition of gay panic in a dictionary, this is what you would see, because holy shit this man is currently unable to keep it together, he’s too busy undressing Guillermo with his eyes. 

Anyway, then Guillermo goes onto say (or at least, try to say) that his childhood was hard and that he “was about nine or then when [he] realized [he] was--” cue Sean interrupting. And Nandor’s face the whole time this man was trying to come out to his companions?

This is the most honest, real, tender expression I have ever EVER seen on Nandor’s stupid little face. This man is yearning, jesus christ above, just fucking kiss him already you ridiculous himbo. Put your lips on his face so we can stop watching you struggle.

I also noticed on my second, or third (or maybe fourth) time watch the scene that when Sean interrupts Guillermo, Nandor actually looks upset. Like, he closes his eyes for a second, and when he looks away (away from Guillermo but in the vague direction of a camera) he looks genuinely pissed that Guillermo didn’t get to finish. 

Most of the time, when Nandor gets upset or mad it is played off for comic effect. You know, to kind of be like “haha this guy is fucking huge and scary but he’s really just a silly goofball” sort of thing. Not this time. This time, there isn’t a joke to it. In fact, it’s not even the center of the shot: if you blink, you’ll literally miss it. All of that makes it seem so much more real than any of the other anger we have seen from Nandor. It shows genuine, unmasked emotion. 

And really, I feel like Nandor went unmasked for the entirety of this scene. We get to see every first reaction that Nandor has to what is being said around him, and all it shows is that he’s got some Big Feels™.  

What does all of this mean? I have no fucking clue. All I know is that this man right here *slams a picture of Nandor down on the metaphorical desk* is filled with so much pining I don’t know how it hasn’t killed him yet. It’s about to kill me, I’ll tell you that. 

[rainbowstrashpile]

If these leaks are true jealous Nandor is a long time coming and absolutely integral to him realizing his feelings. only time he was jealous/upset was when Guillermo left him for Celeste and that could be rationalized as just professional. There’s nothing professional about being upset about seeing your bodyguard with another man. And I think Guillermo having a bf is important bc it solidifies him as his own person to Nandor/shows him that Guillermo won’t wait for him forever

They tend to do a lot of parallels with Guillermo and Nandor. They're very compare and contrast. They really laid that on thick in season 3. Guillermo wants to be a vampire for two seasons. Now Nandor wants to be a human. Guillermo was a little peach guy who probably made Nandor feel big and strong to order around. Now Guillermo is a big strong peach guy who is ordering Nandor around. Nandor feels jilted and angry when Guillermo leaves and goes to get him from Celeste’s. His motives are that he wants someone better at being a familiar than Benji but Nandor is shown to be legit upset that Guillermo left because, while he won't admit it, he values his company and likes him as a person. And he is still grappling with that in season 3.

Also, Guillermo left to follow a dangerous liar under the pretense he would become a vampire. All the others followers die a gruesome death.

Nandor left to follow a dangerous liar under the pretense he would become a human. All the other followers die a gruesome death.

They each retrieved the other. The circumstances were different certainly but if you remove some of the nuance it's the same set of actions.

Season 2 finale shows Guillermo saving them from the Theatre. I'm wondering if season 4 will have Nandor and all the others saving Guillermo from some type of angry slayer tribunal. Probably not but who knows. Anyway, vampires tied up in the Theatre. Guillermo nailed in a coffin. There is overlap there.

That being said, it makes total sense that they would do a jealous Nandor episode. It fits the narrative style to a T. Fingers crossed we see Nandor snuggling with a corpse dressed as Guillermo watching Interview with the Vampire.

Anyway, you're so fucking right. Part of the problem is that Nandor views Guillermo as his. It's a forgone conclusion to him that he will always be there. He can treat him like shit and Guillermo will come back because that's what always happens. But seeing Guillermo with someone else he will hopefully go, "Oh. Oh shit. Guillermo is a separate entity who might not always come back to me. What is this feeling I am feeling?"

And Nadja just screams from the other room, "It's love you bloody stupid donkey! You've been in love with him for years!"

[eeb-rody]

Listen,, listen, l i s t e n,,, when I consume media I usually latch onto one character and just kinda ride it out knowing I really only give a shit about them. Idk why I do this and it's probably not great for like "objective media analysis" or whatever but it's been happening since I was like 10 so what can I do.

For wwdits it was Guillermo bc that's just sorta the genre of character I like. Fruity, horny for his boss, ok with crime, disrespected, he checks all my boxes. And don't get me wrong, I still love him dearly but like,,,,

For the first time I think I'm starting to get more of an attachment to Lazlo. And just to be clear,, I did not give one dusty shit about Lazlo for 2 whole seasons like,,, he was solidly my least favorite but like?? Season three Lazlo hits different, like there's focus on him like,, caring about the neighbor and caring about Colin Robinson. And like?? I'm noticing how he just doesn't participate when he thinks something is stupid. Like with all the vampiric council shit, and playing matchmaker for Nandor with the cloak. The best example is "NAN-" bc one, it's funny as fuck but it's also a comment on how Nandor is being a big dumb idiot baby, contrasted with the whole Colin Robinson speech.

Like, noticing this changes his character on a rewatch too, none of this characterization is a season 3 thing.

I also like that a lot of the shit he cares deeply about is dumb as fuck. You gotta respect a man who collects vintage porn and will learn to fix a car even though he has the power of flight.

Okay so, I've established that he's a deeply individualistic character but I think what really tipped him over the edge as far as being my favorite is that combined with how important his relationship with Nadja is to who he is. Like,, this is a man who loves his wife. Like, holy shit I cannot stress this enough, this motherfucker will behead a man 500 times because he made her upset. He only is who and what he is because of his lady wife Nadja. Victorian bi wife energy except he also is the bi wife (I know they're pan, I'm just using the figure of speech). This sort of relationship could read as weird and dependant (and I'm not saying it always doesn't) but it works because we as the audience know for a fact that Lazlo is so intensely his own person, and both parties are 100% willing and capable of advocating for themselves. So you get to enjoy that level of intense devotion without that "boy this is kinda creepy if you think about it" nagging at you.

Also he has good flaws. Like he's stubborn and a fucking idiot. He's also very pretentious and self centered which is a big plus for me personally.

You see a lot of focus on nandermo and like, rightfully so, they're also fun and interesting as hell but Lazlo has been living in my head rent free for weeks now and I just needed to fixate on that for a hot sec.

Anyway I was gonna make an "in this essay I will" joke but this is actually essay length so idk if that would work. Thank all three of you for reading all the way through. In closing, I just think he's neat :)

[falcor-thee-luck-dragon]

Forgive, But First Fun - Nandor x f(vampire) reader

Summary: After getting left behind to fight off a pack of werewolves on your own, now mad at Nandor, you and Nadja have decided a little night out couldn’t hurt.

Warning: slight angst, fluff, fun times, and a tiny smut mention

Masterlist

Trudging angrily through the manors wooden doors, face stern and almost scary enough to put the fear of God into anyone. Your boots stomp into the large opening and onto the wooden floor boards as Gullimero, Nandor, and the documentary crew follow you in.

Your cloak is ripped and dirty as it lays in a pathetic black heap of cloth in Gullimero’s arms, your hair not looking any better, not to mention your face and arms that have various cuts paired with grass smudge marks adoring your skin. All in all you look like a hot mess.

“What the fuck happened to you lot? You’ve been gone all night.” Questions Laszlo as he walks into view from out of one of the hallways, his eyes scanning over a perfectly clean and handsome Nandor, then over to the dirty crew and disheveled Guillermo who’s got some leaves stuck to his hair.

“I don’t know.” You snap sarcastically, “How about you ask Mr. Dodgy-shit-stick over there.” Referring to Nandor who’s looking anywhere but you, keeping as silent as ever.

Gullimero looks between you and Nandor, then back at a confused Laszlo. “Oh, um they’re not speaking to each other right now.”

“And why the fuck not?”

Guillermo sighs before leaning towards Laszlo, “Nandor wanted to graffiti where the werewolves live and Y/N said he’d get caught and then Nandor said no I won’t and then he did.”

Laszlo raises a curious brow, “That’s it?”

“Oh, um....” Guillermo awkwardly scratches the back of his neck, suddenly pulling off a green leaf, “then they chased us to the park and when the pack closed in on us Nandor turned into a bat and left us behind so Y/N had to fight one of them off so we could escape and now we’re here.”

“Well that sounds rather exciting.”

“Not at the time.” Whispers Guillermo to no one in particular as he glances over at the camera.

“Huh,” Mutters Laszlo thoughtfully, scratching his beard as he thinks of how to help this situation, “well if you two dingbats aren’t talking to one another I believe Nadja needs you Y/N. Something about....well actually I’m not entirely sure.”

Perking up ever so slightly at this positive news, you cross your arms over your chest defiantly, “Well since someone does, I’ll be going then.” You grumble with a low growl at your Nandor who’s refusing to make eye contact while he stares frustrated at the floor.

Nodding in acknowledgment, Laszlo watches you stomp angrily up the steps before turning his head over to Nandor who’s now watching you leave with big sad eyes.

“Alright why’d you do it?” Interrogates Laszlo with a raised brow.

“Do whaaat?” Replies Nandor defensively, his once high and mighty aurora reappearing in an instant.

Rolling his eyes, Laszlo sets a hand on his hip sassily, “Well I sure as hell don’t want an angry Y/N wandering around this old place for the next however the fuck it takes you both to make up....in however fashion that may be. So I ask again, why’d you puss out and flee like a mangy opossum?”

Pursing his lips together in apprehensive embarrassment, Nandor mutters to himself before finally crossing his arms over his broad chest and sighing, “Because......I....I don’t know I panicked!” Exclaims the large vampire, causing Laszlo to start laughing. “Why are you laughing?”

Wiping a fake tear from his eye, Laszlo lets out a few more chuckles before finally composing himself, “My good man that is the second saddest thing I’ve ever heard. The first being when one of my many victims offered me one of their rare and exclusive Poki-muns card which I still have no idea what the fuck they were on about. Anyways, doesn’t matter, all I’ll tell is that you better make it up to her.”

“But she’s scary when she’s angryyy.” Whines Nandor with a frown.

“That’s all women my young pup, but since your lovely lady is a vampire she’s more dangerous.” He says while giving Nandor a kind pat on the back, “So uh, stay safe out there.” Adds Laszlo before turning and walking down the hallway leaving Nandor with his thoughts, Gullimero, and the documentary’s camera crew.

“What are you all looking at!” Snaps Nandor to the rest of the room.

——

“Oh my goodnessess that’s awful, my poor dark angel.” Soothes Nadja as you take a moment from your long and needed rant about the adventures in the park and Nandor’s cowardly stupidity. “That big hairy rhino doesn’t deserve you Y/N.” She reasons honestly, doing her best to make you feel better, knowing all to well the level of competent decision making skills of the other two vampires in the house.

“I know.” You mutter in agreement, your body tense and agitated as you pace back and forth in front of her as she sits in a chair, “Fucking beautiful idiot prick horse-fart of a husband. Urgghhh!” You proclaim loudly while throwing your hands into the air angrily, causing the furniture in the room to screech backwards across the old flooring at your outburst of vampiric energy. Nadja’s long obsidian hair blowing backwards as you do so while she keeps seated, unflinching.

Face softening, she gives you a sympathetic smile, “Oh my lovely fierce lioness, I know exactly what will make that sad little frown turn into a happy one.” Beams Nadja with an excited clap of her hands.

Hugging your sides, you let out a frustrated huff before giving your old friend a shrug, “What do you have in mind?”

——

“So we’re at the carnival!” Claps Nadja in delight as she smiles at the camera, “This will hopefully relieve Y/N’s pent up angers and keep her mind off of Nandor.....for now.” She adds a bit uncertainly.

“HA HA take that fuckers!” You shout joyfully from behind her, the camera panning over to you at the ball toss where you’ve been knocking down plastic bottles with a rubber ball. The stall owner cowering in the corner as he shields himself with a stuffed zebra.

The camera focuses back on Nadja, “I think it’s going really well so far.” She confirms with a convincing grin. “Relieving all that..uh....rage.” 

After winning a stuffed snake taller then you and deciding to wear it as a strange fashionable scarf, you and Nadja are wandering the carnivals streets while people watching to pass the time.

“So that’s why I never walk on the roof after 3am when I’ve had homeless man’s blood.” Rambles Nadja as your thoughts about Nandor come trickling down into your brain and nose. Huh, strange, must be cause you’re still wearing a thin red scarf of his.

No, stop thinking about him.

“Good lesson learned then,” You add with the flash of a smile before nudging her shoulder gently, “hey you wanna watch me win you something cool?”

Perking up in an instant, Nadja smiles a devilish fangy grin as she stops to eye up the multiple game stalls, “Why I would be delighted my dear Y/N, how about....um, oooh I want that giant tropical fishy with the long whiskers over there.” Points Nadja as your eyes travel over to the game stall with the large prizes.

It’s a game that requires the individual to shoot an arrow directly on three different sized bullseye’s stationed at various heights. Smiling like an idiot, you nudge your vampiric acquaintance in agreement, the both of you quickly swaggering over to the carnival game and it’s plush flashy prizes just screaming to be won.

“Hello good sir, my skilled roommate Y/N here is going to win me that fish.” Beams Nadja proudly as the teenager jumps off his chair to greet the two of you.

He smells like weed but surprisingly looks decent all things considered, “Uh yeah alright, two bucks for three arrows, hit every target directly on the middle red mark and if you make it on the bonus poster on the far back wall then you’ll have a chance to win that fish, good luck.” Mumbles the kid unenthusiastically as you slide him the cash.

Picking up the shitty yet still functional carnival bow, you give Nadja a wink before fitting an arrow in the nock and pulling back, lining up the shot and releasing directly into the first target to the left. Smirking to yourself you quickly draw again, hitting your second mark just as intended. Pays to be a skilled archer huh.

“Damn that’s pretty good aim.” Nods the teen as he watches in awe as you fit another arrow, releasing and punching a hole in the middle of the third target.

Nadja claps in excitement from behind you, “Yes! Win me that colorful fat bitch my feisty lioness!”

Standing like a warrior ready for battle with your bow in hand and wind blowing in your face, the kid almost drops the arrow he hands you for the winning shot as he practically swoons.

“Get those scissors ready, that fish is mine.” You growl in determination while picturing Nandor’s head as the final target, drawing back, you let the arrow fly straight into the bonus target. Winning Nadja her giant fish plushy.

“Yessss!” Shouts Nadja in delight as you drop the bow onto the table like a bad bitch before eyeing up the kid with a raised brow, “We’ll be taking the fish now.”

Wide eyed he almost falls off his chair, “Wait um, that’s the last one...I didn’t think, uh, my boss doesn’t want me to give away those ones.” He stutters out.

“What!” Snaps Nadja, “Then why are they just hanging there? You lied to us you little shit!”

“I’m sorry.” He pleads apologetically, “That’s what my boss told me. And no one ever wins the big prizes anyway so I didn’t think...”

“Well your boss he can eat a big horse turd cause I’m taking that fish.” You growl before jumping up and unhooking the fish from its perch above your heads, handing it to a practically glowing with joy Nadja who immediately hugs the thing.

Sticking your tongue out at the teen, you and Nadja turn to leave before a boney hand is suddenly on your shoulder, twisting around in an agitated instant, your face is mere inches from the wide eyed boy as he attempts to look even a tad bit threatening.

“No.” Is the only thing that slips from your tongue before your hand shoves him back, his whole body going air bound into the back of the carnival tent while the kid lets out a panicked scream.

“Ooooh Y/N that was very sexy of you.” Smirks Nadja while wiggling her dark brows, “Too bad a certain cowardly lion wasn’t here to see it.”

Petting the stuffed toy snake around your neck absentmindedly, you smile back a fangy grin, “Yes. Too bad.”

Continuing on your late night stroll through the carnival you both pass by random strangers, families, elders, children, and lovers all minding their sweet business completely unawares to the dark supernatural world walking right past them.

Although you’re quite enjoying this time spent with your best friend in the whole wide world, a low dull feeling of emptiness can’t help but creep into your undead being the more you catch sight of new and old couples walking together.

Sensing your growing sadness, Nadja nudges your shoulder playfully to gain your distracted attention, “Hello in there my black rose, what is on your mind?”

Holding the snake close to your body, a small smile creeps its way onto your face knowing she’s looking out for you, though it’s gone soon enough, “Oh you know....uh....blood.” You mutter unenthusiastically, trying to keep your thoughts away from Nandor and how much you miss him right now.

“Blood is it? But we just fed before attending the carnival.” Inquires Nadja in confusion as she keeps a normal pace at your side while the two of you follow the sidewalk past various shops and restaurants. “What is actually plaguing your mind my dear one?” She wonders with a frown, not keen on seeing you upset and in a grey mood.

Biting your lip anxiously, though not hard enough to draw blood, you walk past a couple more people before your eyes catch the sight of a small black bat disappearing behind a corner building just up ahead.

Squinting your eyes, your nose suddenly catches the scent of someone very familiar, “Nandor?”

Turning her head to face you, Nadja’s brows furrow in puzzlement, “What? No my sweet hurricane, forget that mangy old bear he’s not important right now.” Urges Nadja as she looks forward, suddenly surprised to catch a glimpse of someone who looks a lot like Guillermo racing behind the same corner you saw the bat fly behind. “Okay um what the fuck? Did you see that too?”

Glancing at Nadja you nod before quickening your steps as she does the same, her skirts flowing as she tries to catch up with you, though you’re much faster and with lack of annoying dress material, “Wait! You’re too fast.” Yelps Nadja.

Ignoring her protests you book it down the sidewalk like a maniac, almost running into a jogger before skidding round the corner of the brick building and coming face to face with a wide eyed Guillermo who gasps in surprise. Nudging him to the side, your eyes immediately fall upon the nervous fangy grin of your Nandor.

He gives you a shy little wave before shuffling awkwardly in place, awaiting your rampage of verbal and possibly physical assault that he’s certain is in the near future.

Taking a deep breath, you cross your arms over your chest defensively, “Were you following me?”

“Um, well.....I might have been....but only to make sure you were okay.” Mutters Nandor honestly, eyes shifting from you to the ground nervously as he awaits your wrath.

Pursing your lips together in thought, you shake your head before taking off the stuffed toy snake and holding it firmly in your hands. With a low growl do you grasp the snake in your right hand and hold it back like you might swing at any moment.

“You’re a fucking nincompoop you know that right?” Slips from your mouth without an once of anger lacing your words, instead do you hand the snake to Gullimero as Nandor watches in puzzled fear.

Taking a swift step forward, you point a finger into his strong chest while looking sternly up at him, “Racing off and leaving me too fight that angry bitch all by myself, and now following me when I needed a break from you! Nandor....... you’re something else.” You add with a shake of your head.

“Yes I know, and I’m sorry my love.” Smiles Nandor with saddened eyes, “I promise to keep you save from now on and fight off any werewolf who tries to hurt you....even if I am scared.”

Taking a step back, you can’t help the smirk that forms onto your face at his sweet words of forgiveness and sincerity. You know how much he fears werewolves and that he fled the scene thinking you were planning on following too, not realizing that you might actually give a shit about Gullimero’s and the crew’s lives.

“Oh my dear puff dragon,” You declare softly with a small smile, reaching both hands out to grasp his own, “I forgive you.”

Nandor’s face breaks out into the biggest and happiest grin you’ve seen since his last birthday when he walked into your shared crypt only to find you naked and holding a bushel of red roses while seated seductively on his coffin.

“Oh that’s fantastic because I was really missing you.” Reveals Nandor with a gentle squeeze of your hands. “Laszlo and Guillermo can’t make me laugh nearly as much as you can, they’re honestly rather boring.” He says before leaning in closer to whisper, “and not very attractive to look at either.” Causing you to crack another grin and your undead heart to fill with butterflies. 

Chuckling you reach up with one hand to pull his collar closer to you and a second later do your lips clash sweetly against one another in a heated moment of passion. He smiles into the kiss before moving to pull you in closer with both of his hands, one slipping low to cheekily pinch your round bottom.

Feeling him against you once again has to be the best sensation in the whole entirety of the world even if you’ve only been separated for a couple of hours. You absolutely love the way his fingers dig into your back and bum with an animalistic eagerness that’s slowly starting to drive you insane. Oh, the things he does to you.

Especially how his tongue slips into your mouth with ease while you tug at his hair long dark locks. “Y/N!” Suddenly shouts Nadja.

“Nandor!”

Begrudgingly pulling away, you turn around to face the confused lady vampire while Nandor hugs you from behind, happily smirking at her, knowing she can’t do anything to hurt him now. “Yes Nadja.” You answer.

With the fish plushy hung over her shoulder, her brows furrow in confusion, “What the fuck are you doing? I thought you were mad at him?”

“Yeah well, I was starting to really miss him and also I’m kind of horny now so.” You reply with a shrug as Nandor hugs you tighter, resting his bearded chin against your head while Nadja huffs in defeat.

“Alright. See you at home then.” Adds Nadja before turning towards Guillermo and shoving the giant carnival fish into his arms, “Hold this Gizmo I’m going home.” Then just like that she’s gone in a black wispy poof, flying away in bat form towards the vampire resistance on Staten Island.

“Okay then.” Mutters Gullimero as he looks up at the dark sky.

Feeling a wet kiss on the side of your face and neck you smile before turning around to face your dear husband, “Shall we take flight to seek out our bed chambers?” You speak slyly in a soft yet seductive voice.

“Yes.” Grins Nandor with a flash of lust and excitement before turning his attention over to Guillermo, “Hey Guillermo I’m leaving to make passionate love to my wife so don’t bother us or I will have a rat shit in your pillowcase. Okay?”

You giggle to yourself as Gullimero’s cheeks redden while he side eyes the camera, “Understood master. Have fun.” Squeaks out the loyal familiar as he stands there awkwardly with his hands full of two carnival prizes.

Nandor sneakily squeezes your bottom once more as he gives Gullimero a knowing smirk, “Oh, we will.” Then a second later you two are flying high above the city in bat form, ready to make love to your sweet Nandor for probably the twentieth time that week.

Down below the camera pans over to Gullimero as he blinks, “Well uh, I have these things now..” He says, holding up the fish, “and I am so not looking forward to cleaning up their mess.......again.”

[anxietycheesecake]

Not my dumbass friend (not the one from the previous post) making fun of me for simping for Nandor after giving her so much shit for loving her YA bad boy blorbos and being so cringe about them.

Babes, no matter how poorly they treat people. I can see with my two very eyes that Nandor is the hottest man to ever bless this Earth; you cream yourself over generic "white boy with intense blue eyes" descriptions over and over.

Besides, Nandor's stupidity is childlike and endearing, partially fueled by the way he's utterly unprepared to navigate the modern world, and the show aknowledges he's a dumb bitch who doesn't deserve the man he's got unless he makes some serious changes.

The second they make him light a cigarette and quote Pink Floyd as Guillermo thinks "he's so deep and mysterious, I can tell he's got a lot of pain in his heart and I wonder if my love will ever be enough to heal it", I'm gonna laugh my ass off and get the fuck out of here lol

[steve-keychain]

I finally got around to binging your wwdits fic, and - holy shit man - it's incredible. I enjoyed every sentence; I loved the repeating motifs and symbols and the fucked up pseudo-religious dreams that Guillermo had. I always enjoy canon for what it is, but I often feel the comedy takes away some of the real heartbreak the characters have experienced. If wwdits was going for a more serious framing, THIS kind of fic hits the nail on the head. Rewriting the master/servant dynamic into something new - something not based on a doomed transaction - freshened the whole thing up for me, though I appreciate that you still kept them Weird. Really scratches the itch of adoration borderlining into horror. 10/10 would read again

oH MY GOD CERTIFIED ICONIC ASK- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STOPPING BY TO SAY ALL THIS???? omg let me try to become Normal and have Normal thoughts (this is a long response but. you left good thoughts so im piling more thoughts onto this bus)

I am so happy you've enjoyed the Wonderful Weird World of Violet Hill, it means so very much that you read through it and saw exactly what I'm trying to put out there, message/theme wise. I wondered literally that- 'what would shadows be if it wasnt as much of a comedy' and this is where my brain took me lmaO. I worked really really hard to try and Fit their characterizations to this new world, and it's really just lovely to hear that they're hitting their marks within the context of VH!

And yeah god, I just adore the idea of like. Guillermo's Catholicism acting as a ghost almost? I wanted it to Creep its way into the story, and it's going bonkers bananas in there rn a;lsdkjfl; Beyond his whole deal too, Nandor is inherently also haunted- so putting them together in this dynamic Shakes them up, because they can talk about it as equals!! Here are two characters profoundly disturbed/unable to escape their pasts. What if they had freaky dreams about it. Roll the tape a;lsdkfjsa

And exactly like you said, all of them underneath their facades- are deeply troubled. I really wanted to sit down and like. Unpack as much of that as I could, and I wanted to do it in a world that left them free from their existing dynamics-this is obvious with nandermo just being two Dudes, but I really wanted Nadja and Laszlo to feel comfy with openly loving Guillermo. He's their Stu. I wanted a world where, for once, Guillermo was universally adored, and herE WE ARE

Shadows has some of the most interesting and unique characters I've seen in media in a long fucking time, so it would have been such a disservice to them all if I didn't keep them all (mostly) stupid/silly as fuck alfkdlksdjfa. So I am happy you found this fic, my dear mutual, and are loving it for all its horrific, strange, (and romantic oh god hitting myself over the head with a pan how did i write so much vampire pining already) new vibes!!! I'm holding this ask dear to my heart, thank you so very much for letting me know you enjoyed ;___; <3 <3 <3 <3

[lord-of-the-ducks]

Ok so since I couldn’t finish watching Van Helsing because Hulu is annoying like that, I watched Dracula (1931). I didn’t take time stamps so if you read through my notes there’s no context, but here you go anyway. Ignore the What We Do In the Shadows jokes

Dracula (1931)

I’m going to be so nitpicky about this movie even though I know it’s based on the play which I haven’t seen/read, not necessarily the book

Swan lake in the opening?

Don’t ask how I know my mom tried to make me a music nerd

No Quincey on the cast list? :(

Walpurgis night oh no

Heh look at this idiot going to borgo pass… I don’t know what that is

I love how in all adaptations, Jonathan is consistently an idiot

Wow they really are just straight up telling him what’s going on instead of being vague and praying and crying

Jonathan my beloved

Oh sweetie you should be very afraid. 

At least someone gave him a crucifix

Dracula, clean your house better

Dude you have so much space that you could use for storage

PRETTY. PRETTY VAMPIRE LADY

BELA LUGOSI!!!!!

I want that coat

Wow, I guess 1930s audiences liked everything to be explained to them

Dracula taking Jonathan’s bags is gonna make me think of WWDITS, shit

He’s just steering the carriage as a bat agshiusadi Dracula I love you

DUDE CLEAN UP

YOU HAVE GUESTS

I love those sfx bats that are just puppets on a string with all my heart

Oh please let this be as gay as the book

I still don’t understand the whole “children of the night” thing and I’ve been doing research for years I gotta get on that

Sfx spider my beloved

Wait, this is Renfield?!? Not Jonathan?!?

Not a lot of adaptations give us pre-insane Renfield

I guess I’m free to make Nandor/Guillermo jokes about familiars

WHat the fuck is that walk 

“I never drink… wine”

OH SHIT I’M GAY

SFX BAT IS BACK BAY BEE

Did he just faint from the bat? Bruh

“This man belongs to me” hand motion huh

Tickles?

That felt gay

YES CRAZY RENFIELD MY BELOVED

That whole “master” thing is not straight

“You will keep your promise?” I was 100% expecting him to ask to be turned like Guillermo

He just fucking left him fuiuadgui

Renfield is actually the best

Oh please don’t hurt the nice flower girl

Oh he did

Vampire hypnosis?

Dracula, what is it with you and old broken houses please just fix things

I love how they make fun of him

Lucy if you do the very not good thing and start crushing on Dracula at least try to fix his house up a big

I love that stupid bat puppet

They haven’t actually shown Dracula feeding yet. Well, they have, they’ve shown him hunting people and pinning them down and stuff, but no actually bites. I wonder if it’s because it would be too hard to do with special effects or if it’s “scandalous”

Oh thank god they skipped over the blood transfusion shenanigans

Martin is delightful

“Who wants to eat flies” “you do ya loony” ahahhduiahid

Wow they figured the vampire thing out fast

“Two little wounds, white with red centers”

Oh please let Van Helsing be absolutely unhinged

I forgot to write something down about the vampires transforming into bats and wolves

“You know too much to live” ???

Wolfsbane repels vampires apparently

Oh no Mina’s gonna get eaten! Except the only reason I know her name is because I read the book she’s literally so boring

WHAT IS THAT FACE, BELA EXPLAIN

Jonathan shut the fuck up

“It seemed as though all the life had been drained out of me” 

Dracula has no reflection 

He just fucking slapped the cigarette case adhkauh

“I dislike mirrors” 

“For one who has not lived even a single lifetime you are a wise man” I forgot that everyone is especially a little baby 

“The strength of the vampire is that people will not believe in him” DAMN THAT IS ESSAY WORTHY

Van Helsing my beloved, saying the most crazy shit and expecting people to accept it

“Yes I heard something: Enough” I fucking cackled that is so fucking funny 

MINA FUCKING DIED?

RENFIELD WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING

Oh nevermind she’s alive

LUCY!!!! YES!!!

Gaslight gatekeep girlboss

Do Mina and Lucy get to kiss in this version

“You musn’t kiss me ever again” oh no, apparently being preyed on by a vampire makes you a hArLoT

Renfield my beloved

Dracula can control rats?

Dracula I can’t believe you told Van Helsing to go back to his own country

Ok so feeding someone vampire blood turns them

Ok so apparently strong willed people can resist hypnosis

Dracula’s reaction to crucifixes is hilarious

Oh no she’s a hArLoT

I like her dress

Is she gonna eat him? It would be very gaslight gatekeep girlboss of her to eat him

She’s just casually talking to the bat and then when Jonathan calls her out she’s like “no I didn’t”

MARTIN IS QUINCEY IN THIS VERSION??? HELL YES!!!!!

Martin I love you

Ma’am don’t let him in

Ma’am 

NO THAT’S WORSE PUT BACK THE PLANT

MA’AM STOP

The camera always cuts off the moment before Dracula bites someone

That’s a really cool dress

Mina’s joining the polycule ayyyyyeeeee

Renfield you betrayed him like 8 times

Ouch

Oh no Mina’s a vampire

Ok nevermind she isn’t

They didn’t actually show the staking

Anyway I rate this movie like, 7/10. Obviously super influential, Bela Lugosi is a gift, and the fact that there were a ton of divergences from the original 1897 novel didn’t bother me, but it’s not the sort of thing that I can see myself talking to someone about for hours on end. Basically, I had fun andI don’t actively hate it. If you’re looking for something scary, I wouldn’t recommend, but it’s very entertaining