#nandor is jealous fight me

[darkshrimpemotions]

Seasons 4 and 5 are just Nandor repeatedly failing to understand the fundamental paradigm shift that occurred during the lost year, trying to operate within the confines of their old dynamic to get Guillermo to confirm his attention and devotion is still focused on Nandor, and being surprised and disappointed when it doesn't work.

He wants Guillermo to be jealous like he was of Gail. He wants Guillermo to be indignant at Nandor's lack of appreciation like he was after the night club, with Topher, after Celeste. He wants Guillermo to push back and insist and argue and fight for recognition of his rightful place at Nandor's side like he used to. He keeps trying to recreate the successful execution of his little plan from 3x10, and it keeps not working, and he is SO CONFUSED.

When will he break down and just tell Guillermo outright "THIS is where you belong I WANT you here please STAY with me!"

[sweetest-omens]

okay it’s been discussed a million times but I would like to talk AGAIN about the blocking/body language in the 0401 best man scene [wwdits] [long post]

okay first up, we open on nandor drying guillermo’s hair:

this comes directly after nandor jumping into the water after him to save his life with no hesitation. and then THIS. a complete 180 in their dynamic. right out of the gate all of the erosion of boundaries that was paced so gently in season 3 are completely shattered. but look at the body language!! nandor is still very physically distant. he dries guillermo’s hair with the tips of his fingers and then dumps the towel over his head.

next, we get a bouncy, tentative “how are we feeling?” from nandor

this is so funny to me because he’s standing there doing his little nervous hands, hovering close but still maintaining distance.

I’m gonna skip over the little water bit because it covers a lot of the same bases. devotion through acts of service, role reversal, blah blah blah. but I do want to point out that all of nandor’s devotional gestures are functionally useless (hair still wait, water full of god knows what etc.) but they serve literally only to reassure guillermo that they are an on equal(ish) footing.

okay after that we get the “will you be my best man at my wedding” ft this beautiful baby boy facial expression:

and then:

they are standing... so close. guillermo puts himself in nandor’s personal space by standing up on “you’re getting married!!” but then nandor comes into his personal space with a saucy little “dont be jealous”. I couldn’t quite capture nandor’s mirco-expression after guillermo says “I’m not” but it is RIDICULOUS. a split second of bitchy sulky baby that he very quickly covers up.

anyway. HUG DODGE

sure, nandor refusing guillermo’s physical affection is a gag throughout the series. but usually nandor calls it out verbally. this, he just avoids, and then...

straight across the room to give the camera this look. I know it doesn’t look like much here but it is a distinct, sheepish(?) glance to the camera, and then he looks away. he deliberately has his back to guillermo to hide a series of small flickers in his facial expression. [also just really noticing how beautiful his outfit is here *cher voice* can we get a little commotion for the dress?]

and then he reveals his reason for wanting to get married: he’s been lonely. now, I know this has also been a theme through the series, nandor being unlucky in love. but a marriage within the month is a big step. what’s changed? guillermo being absent in his life, that’s what! what’s going to fill the guillermo-shaped hole in his life? oh, a romantic partner! a wife! good thinking, nandor!

the thing is, I don’t think either of them have the will or the words to discuss the massive shift in their dynamic. they are trying frantically to express it, but failing at every turn (this is why the closer they get, the more physical fights they have). but I really, really want to talk about the way their emotional connection manifests in the blocking for this scene:

HELLO! the closeness of the best man declaration with them literally inches apart, followed by the chasm of emotional distance that nandor creates with the absent wife. and its actually guillermo that rounds to the other side of the coffin. I mean, guillermo is very vulnerable in this scene. he’s in nothing but a little robe, and dishevilled and nandor has just saved his life. but this is the only time he seeks protection for himself in the form of a physical barrier between them. (also it being a coffin, and the unfulfilled promise of vampirism that is the true barrier between them).

I know this has all been said a hundred times before. but I rewatched this scene and was struck by how big the emotions are and how they affect both characters physically. also I apologise endlessly for my shitty little screenshots idk how to gif. BUT please go back and rewatch the scene for all of nandor’s heartwrenching microexpressions. there’s one that the camera barely catches when he’s got his back to guillermo and it drives me insane let me see his whole FACE. anyway <3

[stedes-tarty-pink-robe]

WWDITS SEASON 5 FINALE PREDICTIONS

Someone asked for bonkers predictions for tonight's episodes, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I doubt the curse of Apollo will strike me, but who knows?

- The Morrigan House is a ploy by Simon the Devious. The vamps obliviously blunder through traps meant to kill them, foiling their host's plan.

- The Guide has been intentionally sabotaging the vampires all season because the housemates destroyed her former way of life and the building she was in charge of. She could have forgiven them if they gave her a new purpose as their friend, but since they're ignoring her, she will become their nightmare instead. She previously hexed Nadja, tried to get Guillermo killed and threw shade at Laszlo's book organization to cause him to hyperfixate.

- Guillermo's been kidnapped but Nandor is too stupid to realize it and thinks he returned to Panera Bread. While he's gone, Nandor can't stop seeing Guillermo everwhere. That rat looks like Guillermo. That bird-frog looks like Guillermo...

- The vamps will comb every Panera Bread, and fortunately for them, Guillermo's kidnapper is dumb enough to keep him at a Panera Bread in Little Antipaxos. Nadja finds out from her diner friends.

- When Nandor finally finds out, everyone tries to take the blame for turning Guillermo. Like Spartacus style. Laszlo, Nadja and even Colin because he didn't want to feel left out. They then try to convince Nandor it was a communal turning of a communal familiar so no one needs to kill anyone else today, but Nandor doesn't believe them. Not because what they say is physically impossible on multiple levels, but because ...

- Guillermo cannot fully change because Nandor made a wish that Guillermo would never be a vampire yet will remain with Nandor. This leads to yet another emotionally cathartic fight between the two. Each accuses the other of using them. The fight only defuses when they see clips from the documentary of the other being mushy about them when they're not around.

- Nandor uses his last wish to make Guillermo a full vampire thus Nandor technically turned Guillermo and doesn't have to kill him. This can't be a completely happy ending so it's Nandor's turn to run away from things he'd rather not deal with, leaving Guillermo behind.

- Guillermo is confident he can track Nandor down. He's still a vampire hunter, after all, and Nandor isn't the brightest prey.

- Laszlo creates a couple of Guide-raven hybrids, so the Guide will always have company. Laszlo is happy his science has worked for once. He ignores the TV reports about the increasing number of Guillermo hybrid sightings around New York.

- Nadja is happy that no hex means she's free to be mean again. She and Dollie go on an insult bender.

- Derek used the money Guillermo paid him to bribe other vampires into talking him up, so now he's considered a cool and legendary vampire. Bonus points if a jealous Nandor is there to call him a fucking guy.

[lorelodge]

♛ — also laszlo & nadja

Who’s more likely to find who wearing their clothes?: Nadja wears his coats & shirts but Laszlo will wear her hair extensions and use some of her beauty products... which aren't strictly clothes but I think it's cute so.

Who enunciates hand holding?: Nadja, but only by a small margin. Truth is they both like to hold the others hand. They want each other close.

Who likes having their hair washed by who?: Laszlo has spent 300+ years learning how to take care of Nadja's hair and help with with her hairdo's. Yes, this includes washing. He'll often do it because he enjoys it and loves her hair, but they're disgustingly affectionate so usually Nadja will wash his hair after.

Who likes to slow dance?: Neither have the patience to slow dance very often. Laszlo enjoys it a little & is more familiar with formal dancing. He's taught Nadja the basics but they both prefer to freestyle.

Muse that’s more likely to fall asleep with their head in the others lap?: Nadja. & Laszlo purrs every time it happens.

Muse that does all the cuddling in a blanket fort?: Nandor. Nadja. Lol.

Who hogs most of the covers at night?: .............Nadja. It's secretly why he suggested separate coffins.

Muse who nuzzles the others shoulder to get them to give them a head rub?: Laszlo.

How do they share a desert? Two forks or one?: Two forks and two deserts. Listen, they love each other but there are limits. Sharing chocolate cake is one of them.

Who gets jealous more easily?: They're not perfect. Both are capable of being jealous, but Nadja is much more obvious about hers.

Who gets angered more easily?: umm...idk

How do they go to sleep at night?: In canon it's two separate coffins because if they didn't they would spend all day & night fucking until they expired from starvation.

Who gets the most shoulder rubs?: Laszlo.

How often do they fight?: Not often. I mean, don't get me wrong. Laszlo & Nadja piss each other off. If so they're prolonged. Taking anywhere from a few hours to a week to sort out. This is partially because they will pause an argument to have angry sex. Genuine fights where they both dig their heels into the ground and are obtuse about communication were more common when they were newlyweds but are fairly rare these days. In general, they were never common. Sometimes they manufacture arguments just for the makeup sex.

What are there arguments/fights like?: Um... it depends. Were feelings hurt? They've been married for 300+ years so bickering is a staple of the relationship. But it rarely escalates. When it does, Nadja tends to "ignore" him. She makes Laszlo sleep in the basement and pretends like her husband is just another piece of furniture. The only problem with her method is Laszlo can 100% outlast her in the ignoring game. When Laszlo is upset he tends to be very moody & cranky. He shuts down communication and puts on his Sad Man pants.

Who is more likely to throw things in fights?: Nadja. She throws anything from paper weights to Laszlo himself.

How do they make it up to each other/apologize after an argument?: Nadja is one of the only people Laszlo will apologize to. He starts with "I'm sorry" and then, when Nadja is ready to forgive him, he showers her in affection & praise. Nadja's methods are much simpler. She will fuck the sad out of him. It has a 10/10 success rate.

Do they have nicknames for each other?: To quote rosey "bear - bull - lion - tiger - rhinoceros - buffalo - stallion - dragon - ostrich - gorilla - monkey ( distinct class from gorilla ) - armadillo," are ones that Nadja has for Laszlo.

Laszlo's are a bit more typical including "my darling, my love, my darling wife."

Caring for each other while ill, how does the other muse go about it?: Who’s more likely to be patching the others wound?: They have super human healing. But it's still Nadja, somehow. Laszlo is prone to forgetting to feed, he leaves random shit lying around to be tripped over, etc. He's just... not always the best at caring for himself.

Muse that says ‘I told you so’, after they come home from the beach and other muse is burnt to a crisp while whining how bad it hurts for not listening and putting on sunblock after the other muse repeatedly told them they’d get burnt?: .... I mean to his credit. He neither told Nadja of his intention to go to the beach nor complained about the horrendous sunburn after. Lol. But it's totally Laszlo.

Your otp has a newborn baby, who gets up in the middle of the night when he/she cries?: Sure as fuck isn't Nadja. If Guillermo isn't there than Laszlo will do it.

Your muse’s of the otp reaction to finding the others crying about something? And how do they make them feel better?: Immediate concern and inquiring as to what's wrong and then figuring out how he can make her feel better. Whether that's by slaying a beastly boyfriend (Gregor) or giving her the moon. Above all else, Laszlo wants Nadja to be happy. His lady wife crying simply isn't acceptable.

What would they be like as parents?: Horrible. Lol. Listen, I love Dadszlo and vodka aunt Nadja, but they are not equipped to be parents (and that's okay!). If they did become parents, regardless of their readiness Laszlo would enjoy being a stay at home dad (once the kids were capable of forming sentences and fine motor function). Nadja would (probably) love the kid(s) but she's very busy being a girl boss. She'll go to the occasional basketball game and scheme to get her kid into the best schools. But when it comes to changing diapers and packing lunches that would be all up to Laszlo... or Guillermo. Probably Guillermo.

What would they have been like as childhood sweethearts?: I think they would be inseparable. Two scrappy kids who constantly get into trouble. Laszlo's family would probably try to keep them apart because of Nadja's status. While they may play a part in Laszlo's initial perception of her, I think he is bound to fall in love with her crazy ass. His father may send his to boarding school sooner and Laszlo would write to her every day. He's more determined to do well in school with varying success, but as with canon his sexuality eventually gets him expelled. From there I think he'd come back feeling very low of himself and gravitate toward Nadja's arms. They'd probably marry very young, against his parents wishes.

Who enunciates taking a bath together?: Laszlo.

Who likes who playing with their hair?: Laszlo loves Nadja's hair but she's actually more likely to play with his unprompted.

The place they mostly likely accidentally fall asleep together?: Either the sofa, watching reality TV or naked on the rug by the fire after serious love making.

[sumendi-blog]

And THIS makes me terribly angry too

S3 ending + Freddie could have been the end of the "shipbaiting"

Guillermo was in love with Freddie, and Nandor...well, really, he never felt love for Marwa, but Guillermo "moved on"

To get cheated on in the same chapter that Freddie was introduced ....

But STILL they had moments that could not been readed as any other thing as "something more":

-Marwa "liking" Guillermo

-The fights

-"I'm glad that you're not jealous" over and over again

-Nandor meeting Silvia

-Nandor going to space to impress Guillermo

-His jealousy over Laszlo/Guillermo

- Nandor: " my partner could be just be under my nose"

-The S5 ending

-AND the producers STILL at this point saying that it was a "slow burn/will they won't they" relationship

Ambivalent, and just a bad, bad, move, and done on purpouse for the views. They could have keep the Guillermo/Freddie couple and the interactions between Guillermo and Nandor could still be fulfilling but understood in another way

Harvey saying 'we had a year of that' (that being nandermo being sexual, that being s3 making them canon as at least unrequited love on Guillermo's part) really sucks bc it shows they decided to forget about it the next season, but it's also really validating because yeah we weren't delusional, it was canon, the cloak of duplication and gail exists, thank you! we're all asking for nandermo bc it was actually happening until they took it away, that's the most frustrating part, even more than the blatant shipbaiting that followed

[rainbowstrashpile]

How did Guillermo get his stuff back from Celeste’s? My idea is that it goes a little something like this:

The evening is still early when Nandor’s sensitive vampire hearing catches the sound of knocking at the front door. Guillermo is here, and it is once again his duty to answer it for them. No more feeble Benji fumbling with the sticky latch, groaning and mumbling as he tries to dislodge it from the jamb. He hears the door creak open easily, followed by a clearly excited Guillermo shouting, “Aw, Sam! I’m so glad you’re okay!”

Immediately Nandor’s mood turns sour. Who the fuck is Sam, he thinks angrily. Some other new vampire, come to grab his familiar away again? After all of the humiliating pleading and promising he’d had to do to get him to return? Absolutely not! He will not allow it! Nandor turns into a mist and creeps along the floor into one of the rooms adjacent to the front hall, reforming into a human and peeping his head around the corner to get a look at this Sam. “Is that my stuff from Celeste’s?! How did you even get this?” Guillermo’s delighted voice rings out.

Sickly rage roils in his gut. He went to all that trouble to get Guillermo, his Guillermo, back from the greedy clutches of Celeste only for someone else to come immediately knocking on his door, trying to sway his familiar into their unholy grasp. He’s going to need his head ripping gloves for this Sam.

Only, he can’t see anyone but Guillermo at the door. Very strange. Perhaps this Sam is particularly short? Oh shit is this ghosts again? Because he really doesn’t want to deal with that. Especially after the disappointment of not receiving any updog after the fact. Colin had had to sit him down and explain the joke, sapping his energy the whole time. It was very humiliating.

In any case, he is still just looking at Guillermo’s back. Granted, there are certainly worse views to be staring at. His familiar is gifted with a particularly voluptuous derriere. Seriously, that thing is like a shelf. You could safely set a few curios on it.

Nandor’s lips thin as he watches Guillermo bend over to retrieve something. Probably his things from Celeste’s harem of stolen familiars. It’s to his utter astonishment that, when he stands up straight, he is holding a little kitty cat! Nandor’s anger dissipates instantly. He strides out of the side room, stealthy head ripping mission instantly forgotten.

“Guillermo! Who is this cute little kitty cat!” he coos, watching as the kitty rubs its gray and white head under Guillermo’s chin, purring loudly. 

Guillermo’s tender hand rubs it gently behind the ears, his thumb curling around to stroke its fluffy cheek. “This is my friend Sam. He brought my things back from Celeste’s place.”

He won’t admit it, but Nandor is relieved to learn that Sam is only a very nice little kitty. Cats are renowned familiars, and never once have they been known to poach from other masters. He reaches a hand out to give the kitty a scratch. He looks very cute and extremely soft. But before he can lay a finger on its fur, it hisses at him, mouth full of needle sharp teeth on display and little triangle ears folded back angrily. One paw even stretches out to scratch at him, sharp claws fully extended.

“Woah, Sam! What the hell!” Guillermo yells, pulling the cat back from its place nestled in his arm. 

(here’s where I let it get choppy sorry)

*goes outside*

“I know I did a lot of shit talking about him with you back at Celeste’s. But he was very apologetic and we managed to negotiate some things. I get breaks and a day off now here.”

Meowing

“Yeah, he said some really nice things. He said I was a great familiar and he promised he’d turn me into a vampire.”

Meowing

“He said he couldn't say when but…I don’t know. It’s complicated. There are a lot of factors at play.”

Hissing meowing 

“I know. It’s not like I’ve got my hopes that high. I’ll see you around, okay?”

__________________________________________________

Sorry it gets choppy after that. It’s a draft for ch10 of It’s a Terrible Habit. I like the idea that Guillermo and Sam are besties, and when Nandor and Guillermo get engaged Sam does his best to give Nandor the shovel talk. It turns out that if he hurts Guillermo’s feelings again Sam will piss in his boots every day until he apologizes.

[lovebunnie]

im going to become thee most annoying motherfucker on the planet once freddie is introduced as guillermo’s boyfriend.. the first time they KISS im going to pledge my allegiance to greddie nation, you will wish you never have met me

[ineffably-human]

Okay. [cracks knuckles] Let's do this.

"never beat him at anything"

Already this isn't secretly describing Guillermo. Guillermo beating him in a fight earned him a marriage proposal. He starts this list after he's bested in a fight specifically, which is meant to invoke that confrontation - and remember the fight was "what [he's] been waiting for." So we are not looking for Guillermo in this list, or if we are, we have to be selective to do it.

"humble"

I mean, Guillermo CAN be humble, or can at least humble himself. He didn't walk around with a secret enormous ego all those years. But he loves being flattered and given positions of power, he knows his worth and likes it being vocally appreciated. (Y'know who isn't humble basically ever? Nandor.)

"an excellent listener" I think he is, actually. You'd have to be, to be any good at his job.He once very clearly complained that Nandor wasn't listening, because Nandor wasn't. Listening was, at one point, not a Nandor strong suit. "not petty"

They both can be this, for sure. Guillermo moreso. Usually when he's jealous. "or slovenly Neither of them. Slovenly dude is being walked towards the djinn execution room over this line, though. "or vain" Another thing that is VERY Nandor and can sometimes be Guillermo, but not appearance-wise. 'Slovenly' and 'vain' are contrasts, too. Because Nandor is trying to describe perfection.

"or manipulative" THIS is Guillermo, but it's a recent trait and it's kind of from necessity. At this point Nandor's leading four different people down the hallway that presumably correspond to these traits, all to the djinn coin room. "never asked [him] to shave off [his] beard" Only a madman would do such a thing. But clearly at this point we're not looking for 'these are all things Guillermo has done,' either. Background dialogue: 'This guy I don't trust.' (In what? But Nandor clearly trusts Guillermo.) 'This one never learned to read.' (A little unfair but sure, wants education, good conversation..) 'I like her but she's so much smarter than me.' (Again two contrasting things, and a hilarious side-eye from Guillermo at this line that also looks a little worried. Because Nandor's clearly all over the place, or because he's gonna have to look hard to not find anyone smarter than him? You decide!)

"warm, and wanted to be with [him]"

This is Nandor's insecurity again, it's about his own desirability to the person. Contrasting images in the montage: a woman literally shivering in the pool next to him, because he has no body heat, and a guy (one of the Dalals) who clearly is not into him and vice versa.

"kind"

I do think this describes Guillermo, for more please see [gestures to wall of Guillermo apologist meta]

"a good haggler"

When the hell would Nandor have seen this in action during his living years, when he led a country/army? Guillermo seems pretty decent at this though. Something to watch out for in the actual Night Market.

"never borrowed [his] boots without asking [him]"

Nandor, honey, do you even want to get married? (No. No he doesn't. Not this way, anyhow.)

"merciful"

Applies to Guillermo. Applies IMO to modern Nandor who seems to value it. Does not apply to Nandor The Relentless Who Is Pillaging Everyone You Included. Also not sure when he would have had an opportunity to see this in action.

"horny"

Give Guillermo a few rounds with a British starter boyfriend, Nandor, I think he'll get there.

"had a sense of spontaneity and fun"

Applies to both of them, I think.

Okay, so this isn't all describing Guillermo or his opposite. Some of it is describing the opposite of Nandor, some of it is countering anything that might challenge or inconvenience him. But this person isn't anybody, like it's not even a made-up version of a person. They almost certainly didn't exist.

The episode hands it to us, actually. The one thing he remembers is that his love had long dark hair. (He could've just ruled out anyone who didn't without summoning them, but nope.) At the end, when fucking with Marwa's hair, he says he always imagined his wife would have blonde hair. Then he immediately changes his mind, ultimately taking it back to how she started while not being fully pleased with it, saying nothing is too good for his 'perfect wife'. Because he's gone from a supposed memory of true love to a fantasy of perfection, and he can't land on what 'perfection' means to start with.

Nandor didn't want to get married until five seconds after he asked Guillermo to be his best man, and he didn't want it to be this mysterious past love until he realized he could resurrect old romances. What he really wants is to cover up loneliness with a new endorphin high as soon as possible, because Guillermo is so close to walking out that door the minute these made-up tasks run out, Nandor can feel it. And this is how Nandor deals with feelings.

[2oppositesidesof1coin]

Unpopular opinion but Guillermo does not look that happy talking to Mystery Guy.  Here’s a few things I noticed under the cut:

1) He face noticeably falls as soon as Mystery Guy tells him he misses him. 

2) He doesn't respond to the “I miss you statement”. He hangs up quickly, without a word, and shoves his phone in his pocket. Like yeah he told Mystery Guy it wasn't a good time but for a relationship that's implied to be relatively new that seems cold even for Guillermo. 

3) In the “The Farewell” he practically begged the camera crew to leave him alone so he could cry and board up Nandor’s room without being filmed. And while he didn't tell them more about Mystery Guy, this time he seemed really quick to defend to them that he's not jealous, he’s absolutely not jealous. 

4) When he and Nandor are fighting while trying to find Baby Colin Robinson, the two argue like a coupe who broke up but want to get back together. Guillermo uses the same tone of voice with Nandor that he used when he threatened to leave Nandor for Celeste. That “you’re hurting me so I’m gonna try to hurt you too” tone. 

Final thoughts: Guilermo can wear masks pretty easily. In season 2, we saw how he could wear one mask with the Vamps and another with the Mosquito Hunters. We as the audience were privy to seeing those masks come on and off. For this season, because of Guillermo setting boundaries with the camera crew and/or for narrative reasons, we as the audience are probably not seeing those masks come on or off as much. 

I dunno I just think that Guillmero is desperately trying to convince even himself that he isn’t jealous. I think it’s to protect himself. Nandor has broken his heart more times than he probably wants to count. Maybe this is the only way he can keep his heart (mostly) intact. 

To be honest though, this is some good shit. I can’t wait for Nandor to desperately convince himself he wants to marry Marwa. I can’t wait for Guillermo to desperately convince himself that Mystery Guy is good for him. They’re both going to be disasters I can’t wait. 

[shiplessoceans]

"Colin Robinson, take a picture of me having fun and send it to Guillermo, so he knows how much I do not miss him."

Remembering this Nandor quote when Guillermo left the house in a previous episode.

Guys what if Nandor never intended to get married? What if this was his elaborate scheme to get Guillermo jealous so they could fight about it again and end up closer?

Would explain why he looks so devastated that Guillermo isn't jealous.

Hmmm...

[colinrobinsonn]

mine and my sister’s two hour wwdits/nandor x guillermo convo today 

- the vamps just wanna be content and live a chill kind of life because they found their fam

- colin robinson potentially has guillermo’s phone number now so colin texts him all the time, annoying him, but eventually they actually form a friendship over texts and they bitch about the other vampires. one time they are in the fancy room with them all whilst nandor/nadja/laszlo are arguing about some bullshit and guillermo and colin are texting in front of them and they laugh at their phones. nandor stops arguing and looks at guillermo, “what are you laughing at?” “give me that”... “hey, I’m not being a whiny warrior!!”

- colin robinson’s looks to camera are EVERYTHING

- nandor struggles with change, he always talks about his human life and not much else in between. he struggles with the change in his and guillermo’s relationship and how he has to talk about his feeeeelings now

- so nandor struggles with the idea of turning guillermo because it’s a big change. maybe guillermo will want to leave and explore his new vamp life away from the place he’s been in for his whole life. maybe guillermo will realise that nandor is not as cool as guillermo think vampires are (although guillermo already gets exasperated with nandor but at the same time /is/ still ennamoured with his vampire status)

- guillermo knows that nandor struggles with change which is why he hasn’t pushed him thus far. but now guillermo feels more empowered with his slayer heritage and his secret activities (killing vampires lol) he feels the courage to push nandor. guillermo is understanding himself more and he needs and wants and desires. he’ll push nandor to answer him and hold him to making him a vampire. he’ll push him to acknowledge they care about each other, even though he knows if he does push too far nandor will pull away 

- because nandor does push people away when he feels emotionally vulnerable around them. he knows he needs to change and be better for guillermo. with nadja/laszlo/colin robinson he knows he can just be his asshole self because they can be and, because they are fam, it’s kind of unconditional family love

- guillermo can handle change, to an extent. like he’ll go to celeste’s and get on there, he embraces his slayer life at times and is so ready (or he thinks he is) to be a vampire. in this way tho... how long will he wait for nandor to be brave?

- when push comes to shove, however, nandor will be vulnerable and talk about his emotions with guillermo so guillermo won’t leave (”collaboration” ep). he’d rather put himself out of his comfort zone than lose guillermo - but it will only be baby steps

- when nandor found out guillermo killed carol and was scathing him, he was also scared he might not able to protect guillermo from harm (not really knowing that guillermo is badass and can look out for himself)

- guillermo will be a sick vampire because unlike the rest (presumably) he’s made the choice to be a vampire and knows a lot about them and of course already has amazing innate physical abilities and fighting skills

- in vampire literature and movies the biting of the neck and sucking blood is always portrayed as quite sexual, and it’s almost awkward to think of nandor and guillemro doing it now because they don’t seem there in their relationship. it’s almost like leading up to a first kiss. it would be so intimate. and maybe that’s how it’s framed. nandor will be ready to turn guillermo when he is ready to confront and work through his feelings

- nandor is lonely

- maybe after all this leaving and secretive and emotional stuff going on nandor wants to bring their relationship back to strictly business, trying to force formality again 

- guillermo is maybe a little overwhelmed as well by events

- head canon that when nandor looks for love guillermo is hurt and jealous and angry. so he dates too. he dates guys and nandor hatessss it. he tells him he can’t see them anymore and he’s his familair and it’ll distract from his duties but obvs guillemro is like if you can date, why can’t i? challening him to say why he doesn’t like it. nandor is like fine. nandor’s dating life doesn’t really work out (have you SEEN those teasers omg lol) but guillermo’s does and he likes the affection and respect and openness he gets from his dates and he sees one guy regularly. nandor obvs hates him but kind of watches it go on anyway, getting sadder and sadder and kind of feeling like this is good for guillermo (it is. he deserves it. he likes the guy. the guy is nice.) but. it’s not nandor. and nandor is so hurt and wants so much that he finally tells guillermo how he feels. and so on.

- colin robinson supremacy

just our thoughts and reflections on the characters! we don’t think this is all how the characters actually feel, but would they could feel and how we feel about their stories :)

[nellie-elizabeth]

What We Do in the Shadows: Pine Barrens (4x07)

Amazing, flawless, no notes.

Cons:

No, seriously, no notes.

Pros:

This episode gave me everything I never knew to ask for. Let's take the two main stories in turn.

First, you've got Nandor, Lazlo, Young Colin, and Sean going out to a cabin in the Pine Barrens on a hunting trip. The emotional core of this story is that Nandor is jealous and resentful of Lazlo's friendship with Sean, and just feels in general that they've been spending less guy time together. Lazlo is insulting towards Nandor to start, and both of them fight back and forth, until the presence of the Jersey Devil (a creature they previously stated to be entirely made up), forces them to work together to defeat the evil in their midst.

As always, I'd like to avoid just listing out a million jokes that I thought were funny, but Young Colin playing "New Jersey music" from his phone in order to distract the Jersey Devil was pretty great, as was the gun battle ending in Lazlo accidentally shooting Nandor in the hand. I also just particularly loved Sean in this episode, he's just such a bro, such a guy, you know? His encouragement to Young Colin that he's not boring was really funny, as was his completely measured response to Colin's casual mention of his more violent tendencies. This was the funniest I've found Young Colin Robinson since the first episode of the season, so that's encouraging to see.

Predictably, given that Guillermo is my absolute favorite part of this show, I loved the other plot line even more.

Nadja and Guillermo, both inaccurately believing themselves to be alone in the house, celebrate in their own ways. Nadja has a girl's night with Marwa, the Doll Nadja, and the Guide, where they watch Mamma Mia! I just loved Nadja celebrating and enjoying her time with the girls, and the fascination and seriousness with which they all took the film was really charming.

Meanwhile, Guillermo decides to invite his family over to see the house. He's telling them all sorts of lies, about working for the railroad, and living in this house alone because he's rich, but then Nadja comes upstairs and catches the de la Cruz family at dinner, and Guillermo ropes her into pretending to be his girlfriend-slash-maid.

I don't know, something about the fact that Nadja continues to state her disdain for Guillermo while still playing along with this ruse is so charming to me. She gets into the role and seems to be having a good time, but Guillermo's family reveals something to him: his girlfriend is an evil vampire! How do they know? Well, they too are of course descended from a long line of famed vampire hunters, and they've now set Nadja in their sights as their prey!

The hunt is on, with Guillermo trying to keep his family from hurting Nadja. I was actually enormously touched by how hard he worked to defend her from them. And then there's his outburst, where he admits she's a vampire, that he lives with a family of vampires and hopes to someday become one, and also that Nadja isn't actually his girlfriend, because he's gay! I was so happy to hear this said out loud. Not that it's actually news or anything, but still. What a lovely moment of catharsis for Guillermo!

And also of course the comedy in all of these scenes, with Nadja playing the girlfriend, and Guillermo's family getting more and more aggro in the presence of a vampire, their horrified reaction to Guillermo's vampire-ish desires, and their total loving acceptance of his queerness, the mad chase through the house, the hypnotized family walking away and Guillermo just blissfully happy to have finally come out... all of it was golden, as the comedy in this show almost invariably is! (Best joke goes to Nadja saying she doesn't want Guillermo to call her "Mami", and sites his relationship with Nandor as the type of thing she's looking to avoid.)

And that's that! Another solid installment. I can't believe we only have three episodes left before the season is over, I feel like it just started!

9.5/10

[clydefrogzz]

my feelings about nandermo are so complicated so im gonna dump them all here because its tumblr so i can do that. WARNING for some negativity towards the ship, scroll if it's a comfort to you/if you just dont wanna see that.

okay so let me preface this by saying i dont dislike nandermo. but i don't ship it either. if they get together in the show, these bitches gay, good for them!!! if they don't, these bitches still gay and im still happy for them. but my issue comes when trying to wrap my head around the hypothetical, fanon idea around the ship. because the puzzle pieces are all there, ESPECIALLY on nandor's part this season (and thats what i'll be focusing on). like nandor being a lil offended that guillermo isnt jealous he's getting married and now in ep4 he's suddenly upset with him for an unknown reason? him literally using a djinn wish so marwa didn't come with them to the night market and he can be with guillermo? him encouraging guillermo to kill him so he can save himself? so much of it is there. i see it so much. but outside of that, NOTHING about their personalities screams romantic compatibility to me. the puzzle pieces are there and they fit together, i just can't get them to form a coherent picture in my head because everything else about them makes hardly any sense together. why is their relationship so confusing. they work so well as an unhinged, crazy friendship but theres a line between friendships and relationships. with the way they act together, for now at least, it wouldn’t work between them romantically. like they actively fight, try to kill each other, and nandor has not relinquished all of his more toxic/abusive tendencies towards guillermo. in a romantic relationship, you don't want any of those. it wouldn't be healthy whatsoever. and not to say guillermo is innocent or to say he's a little uwu baby who can't take it because i know he can. he's a badass and he's taken it for 13 years. but no matter the capabilities of someone in a relationship, they shouldn't have issues like this.

that said, i adore their relationship and i adore most of the romantic ideas in theory. like everyone and their mom has seen the concept of nandor confronting the djinn like "you made it so i only think of guillermo when i have sex 🤬" and the djinn's like "no i didnt 🤨" and thats his Oh moment. and i LOVE THAT THATS SO SILLY. and i love "guillermo 'fell first' de la cruz and nandor 'fell harder' the relentless" because thats so true! but like! i dont even ship them! my brain malfunctions every time i try to think out this ship i swear.

if they're planning on making nandermo canon, they're gonna need to reform their relationship a lot more. and especially with this newest episode, it seems like they may be working towards that. but until we get that reform between them, im not gonna be able to see them together at all.

so tl;dr, nandermo makes so much sense but it also doesn't in the slightest. i see the pining but i can't see the actual relationship.

[lesbian-in-leather]

So I was watching Too Hot to Handle (it's awful but I like laughing at straight people don't judge me) and I was like... what if the WWDITS characters were on this show

(If you haven't seen THtH, the concept is that a bunch of hot, horny and single people rock up on an island and then are told they aren't allowed to kiss, fuck or touch themselves - when they inevitably break the rules a lil robot deducts money from the final shared prize fund. They also all have to sleep in the same room and must share a bed with someone else)

Either as a Human AU or just a normal 'they're vampires' but slight plot AU, here's how I think it'd go:

Nadja, Laszlo and Jeff!Gregor are there from the start

Guillermo is the narrator who judges all of their choices and DEFINATELY has a thing for Nandor

In a Human AU he doesn't know them and is just SUPER creeped out and intrigued. He also questions why no one else is concerned by the red flags they all keep throwing out in every conversation

In a Plot AU he would have to keep them supplied with fresh blood so they don't commit murder and have all compulsory activities take place at night so they can avoid the sun. He gives a set of rules they keep being added to as the show goes on. The main one is Don't Kill People

Colin is the equivalent of Lana (Lana is the robot who stops everyone having sex and calls them all out on rule breaks resulting in SO MANY awkward and uncomfortable situations that Colin would love)

In a Plot AU they come in wearing their usual clothes and holding parasols to hide from the sun. After that point Guillermo makes them wear modern clothes to fit in which they hate until they realise that all anyone wears are swim suits and they are VERY easy to remove

In a Human AU Nadja thinks Jeff is hot and is CONVINCED they knew each other in past lives. She hypnotises him to remember and he suddenly starts acting differently. Guillermo is absolutely losing his mind trying to figure out if it actually worked or Jeff is just in it for the long con. Laszlo is super jealous and everyone is confused because both he and Nadja flirt with everyone on the island but it's just this ONE GUY Laszlo has a problem with. Guillermo is genuinely concerned Laszlo is gonna fight him

In a Plot AU the events of WWDITS haven't happened so Nadja and Jeff have never met. She recognises him immediately and tells the camera crew all about Gregor in a talking head interview and very quickly hypnotises him to remember when she realises Jeff is bloody boring. Laszlo is contantly trying to make Jeff meet with an "accident" and Guillermo keeps trying to stop him without actually ever appearing on camera

In a Human AU Mike (the bad orgy guy) would be there and would be SUPER insistant on following all the rules. Nadja and Laszlo do not listen and instead piss him off on purpose

No one knows Nadja and Laszlo are married, even the producers. They use this to get with basically all of the other contestants (and each other) repeatedly. They argue and flirt near constantly and treat the whole thing like a weird game to make each other jealous. Laszlo calls Nadja "my darling" all the time but he also flirts with and has petnames for everyone so no one thinks anything of it

Nadja breaks Robot!Colin about three days in when he calls her out for making out with Laszlo (again). Colin then appears in person for the rest of the show, which is worse for everyone accept him. He keeps walking in on everyone whenever they're breaking or are about to break rule

The three contestants added in later are Nandor, who felt left out (and was asked to stop Laszlo from killing Jeff on camera); Simon, who wants to steal both Laszlo's hat and Nadja (but mainly the hat); and Lilith, who just wants to cause problems

In a Human AU it's the same people with different backstories. Nandor is still Nadja and Laszlo's friend but they didn't know he'd be here and vise versa. Simon is Nadja's ex and Laszlo's "arch enemy". Lilith is just a random girl. Guillermo cannot BELIEVE that 2/3 are people that Nadja and Laszlo know. He's made a goddamn conspiricy board about these two

In a Human AU Nadja befriends Lilith until she takes Nadja's place in Laszlo's bed. Laszlo claims he didn't realise it wasn't Nadja because it was dark and swears nothing happened. Nadja calls bullshit and it's confirmed by Colin. Guillermo is losing his mind

One of the contestants is called Steve and he's a very straight himbo that doesn't realise Nandor is flirting with him. Nandor thinks they're dating, Guillermo is Definately Not Jealous

Nadja and Jeff get sent to the Special Bedroom (I don't remember what they call it in the show but it's just a private room with a double bed and a bunch of sex toys) for a night. They can all hear them fucking

In a Plot AU Laszlo gets sick of it and interupts to kill Jeff. Nadja's mad, but then they share his blood and fuck because that's just what they're like. Guillermo claims Jeff just left the show and Nandor is mad they didn't share Jeff with him and keeps going on about how they broke the rules. The other contestants are like "buddy those two have broken every rule in the book why are you suprised" because How Would They Know

In a Human AU Nadja goes back to Laszlo immediately after and Jeff gets pissed and actually does leave the show early

Nandor and Laszlo end up fucking. Nadja fucks Lilith in retaliation but then they actually start to like each other (again)

Nandor feels like he has to confess this to Steve. Steve congratulates him on getting some but is suprised Nandor likes guys. Nandor thinks Steve is just playing hard to get

At the end of the final episode when the prize money is announced someone insults Nadja and says it's all her fault there's nothing left, to which Laszlo is obviously like "how dare you insult my good lady wife!" And everyone just freezes like wtf

In a Human AU Nandor is super suprised everyone else didn't know they were married. He's just Himbo and he genuinely thought it was common knowledge. Guillermo loses his shit like "what do you MEAN those two are ALREADY MARRIED what the FUCK"

Anyway there's my dumb thoughts that I lowkey think would make a good funny bad comic

[bellamer]

I had a weird dream last night that I was in What We Do In The Shadows and I was a male vampire who didn't like how Guillermo was treated because before I became a vampire, I was a familiar and my master treated me badly so I found someone else who would turn me into a vampire and killed my master. So I took Guillermo away and turned him into a vampire, but the best part was, since I'm black, I could actually walk out into the sun because my melanin protected me and I only felt a slight stinging on my skin but it wasn't enough to kill me, then I showed Guillermo what it really meant to be a vampire and if he really wanted it, he still said yes, and I bit him but the neat thing was that if Guillermo continued to drink my blood, he would be able to walk out in the sun like me. Nandor didn't like this and became jealous and tried to win Guillermo back, so we got into a fight and even though I won, he used his power as co-leader of the vampiric council to have me arrested and put on trial, he tried to have me killed by sunlight but didn't know that my skin was resistant to sunlight and I was out of there in no time and reunited with Guillermo, who had reluctantly went back to Nandor and we ran away together. Then Guillermo got influenced by Interview With a Vampire and we adopted a baby girl we found in the trash but agreed that we wouldn't turn her into a vampire until she was 21 so that she didn't end up having a crisis when she was young. Nandor came back into the picture and tried to win Guillermo back again but saw that he officially moved on but instead of accepting this, he got mad and went on a rampage so in the end, we decided to kill him.

I don't know why this dream was so detailed and why it felt like I was actually there protecting Guillermo but it was kinda nice. Also, Lazlo, Nadja and Collin Robinson were in the dream, they just weren't that important.

Maybe my hate for Nandor has just grown.

[chelsfic]

Leftovers - Part 3 - Nandor the Relentless x Reader Fanfic

Read Parts One and Two: Masterlist

Summary: The gang goes to a roller derby bout. Things evolve between you and Nandor. Guillermo is still jealous and Nadja adores you.

A/N: I hope the tone of this part holds up with the first two parts. There are some more serious parts here. Thank you SO FRICKIN MUCH to everyone who has commented and sent me asks. You guys are lovely and I appreciate you.

Warnings: Some mild smut at the end, Same as previous chapters--blood drinking, vampire/human relationship, power differential, reader is described as being short and a roller derby player

---

Guillermo sits with his hands folded in his lap and a fragile smile on his face.

“How am I...adjusting? I’m--it’s--fine. I’m fine.”

The camera crew sits with him for a long moment of pointed silence. Guillermo shrugs, shakes his head, denying unspoken comments until he finally breaks.

“He gave her the upstairs bedroom. But I’m...everything’s fine. I just have to keep paying my dues.”

He goes back to dusting the fancy room, muttering under his breath, “Just keep paying my dues…”

---

“Knock, knock!” Nandor sing-songs, rapping his knuckles on the door frame of your new bedroom. 

You look up from a stack of partially unpacked boxes. Guillermo helped you arrange everything. Breaking your lease without a penalty and getting all your stuff packed and moved over to the house. He did it all with nothing beyond terse civility despite your attempts at friendly conversation. You would really like to be friends with the only other human in the house but it doesn’t seem likely.

“Hey, Nandor,” you greet him with a hesitant smile. You’re still unsure of how you should behave. He doesn’t seem to expect you to be subservient like Guillermo. But something tells you not to push him either. He still hasn’t promised not to kill you in the end despite spending the last couple nights snuggling you like a human teddy bear inside his coffin.

He enters and perches on the edge of your new mattress, “Do you have everything you need? The bed seems...cozy.”

It’s really obvious to you that Nandor isn’t used to making small talk. At least not about human things. You wonder why he’s making the effort.

“Yeah, thanks. The room’s great. Are you sure I shouldn’t take Guillermo’s room and let him have this one? He’s been around a lot longer…” 

“What, the closet under the stairs? Absolutely not, it smells in there. Can’t have my food smelling bad, yuck!” he grimaces in distaste. 

You’ll have to find some other way of extending an olive branch to Guillermo…

“Hey, maybe you could...not call me food?” you suggest hopefully. 

Nandor sighs and mutters under his breath, “So sensitive…”

With a roll of your eyes you turn back to your boxes. Nandor watches you plop down on the floor and resume digging out your things. After a moment, he comes over, kneeling behind you and practically engulfing you in his giant cape. His arms wrap around your middle. You can feel his long fingers through your shirt as they spread out over your stomach. He presses his face into the back of your neck and inhales your scent. The embrace should be unnerving and terrifying but you find altogether different sensations stirring in your lower belly. 

“Why, my mortal?,” his whisper raises goosebumps along the nape of your neck. “Does it upset you to be reminded of how intoxicatingly delicious you are to me? Shall I pretend that your blood pulsing beneath the thin surface of your skin does not call to me?”

His lips are tracing over your skin now and you can just feel the sharp brush of his fangs. Your eyes drift closed and you lean back into his chest, entirely overwhelmed by his magnetism. 

“Um...Nandor…” you whisper.

“Yes, my little human? What do you want?”

“You…” the word falls unbidden from your lips and you immediately wish you could swallow it back down.

His chest rumbles with a laugh that vibrates through you.

“You want me, mortal?”

You force yourself to clear your thoughts, scooting forward and breaking the embrace as you reply, “You...you have to wait until next week to feed from me again. Remember?”

He reaches out and ghosts his fingertips along the twin puncture wounds on your throat.

“It will be worth the wait.”

---

You jog down the curved stairway dressed for tonight’s bout with your gear bag slung over your shoulder. Nadja, Laszlo and Nandor are assembled in the front hallway getting ready to go out hunting and assigning last-minute chores for Guillermo.

“My mauve, brocade gown needs washing, Gizmo. I had a real squirter last night…”

“And don’t neglect the dusting in our crypt, old chap…”

“Guillermo, remember to pick up the candlesticks when you go out--oh! Hello, my human,” Nandor pauses when he sees you at the base of the stairs and you feel heat creep up your neck under his stare. Your mind flashes back to an hour ago when he’d held you in his arms and you’d felt the touch of his lips on your skin, so close to a kiss. 

“Do you need anything from the store? Guillermo is going out,” he asks.

Guillermo smiles at you but it’s more of a display of teeth and you rush to shake your head, “Oh, no thank you. I’m heading out myself. My team has a bout tonight--”

Nadja squeals in delight and claps her hands, “You are doing a battle tonight, darling human? Oh, Laszlo let’s go watch the puny human fight. It will be such fun!”

You shake your head in amusement but Nadja’s enthusiasm is infectious even if you worry she’ll be disappointed once she sees what roller derby actually is…

Laszlo’s eyes trail down your body, taking in your black and purple sleeveless jersey and the black capri leggings hugging your hips and thighs.

“Do all the challengers dress in such a fashion?” he questions with a lecherous smirk. Nandor hisses and flicks him in the temple. “Ouch!”

You have to laugh.

“Actually, some of them wear booty shorts…”

---

“Look!” Nandor turns to the camera gleefully holding up a t-shirt with the name “Smashley Glowers” stamped in block letters on the back. “We can purchase a shirt with my human’s alias written upon it!”

He turns back to the attendant behind the merch table, “How much for this garment, peasant?”

“Uh--he’s just joking, heh,” Guillermo steps in waving his credit card. “I’ve got it, master.”

“Thank you, Guillermo,” Nandor says, pulling the t-shirt over his embroidered tunic with a wide smile. 

The vampires and Familiar make their way to the bleachers beside the track. Your league plays in an ice hockey rink during the summer months. The track is carefully taped off on the floor and players glide around doing warm up drills: knee-taps, sprints, spins, plow stops and backwards toe stops. Then they turn around and do it all over again in the opposite direction. The crowd buzzes with energy and all four vampires feel it roll over them in a seductive wave.

Nandor turns to Nadja and Laszlo and whispers, “We probably shouldn’t kill any of these humans. I don’t think the mortal would like it…”

Laszlo looks put out but Nadja just nods absently as her eyes track the skaters.

“Yes, fine,” she says. “We can pick something up on the way home…”

Colin Robinson stands with a smug smile, “Lucky for me I have no such limit on my feeding habits. I’m gonna go mansplain the rules to that referee. Catch you later.”

“Look at our human, Nandor! She is very adept at the roller shoes,” Nadja gushes.

Nandor side-eyes her with a muttered correction, “My human… Yes, she is a fierce combatant.”

Soon enough an announcer’s voice comes over the sound system introducing each team. As your name is called Nandor and Nadja stand to cheer and even Colin Robinson lets out a tepid “whoop” from across the room where he’s started feeding off the merch attendant. 

The bout gets rolling and you take your place with the other blockers, forming a line of defense that will hopefully be impenetrable. Or at least give your jammer enough time to make it through the pack and start scoring points. 

The other team’s jammer approaches, juking to the outside of the track but you anticipate the play and hop to the left, meeting her on the inside and throwing your hip to check her out of bounds. Distantly you can hear a familiar accented female voice rise over the crowd.

“DID YOU SEE THAT!? GOOD JOB, HUMAN!”

The game flies by in a rush of adrenaline and joy and before you know it you’re slapping hands with the other team and skating over to join your spectators. 

Nadja runs up to meet you, pinching your cheeks in her enthusiasm, “Smashley--a gruesome name for a brutal warrior woman. You were very impressive!”

“Thanks, Nadja,” you smile, feeling your chest lift with pride. “We lost, but I’m glad you liked it.”

Laszlo joins you with his characteristic smarm, “An excellent diversion, mortal. Tell me, are any of these women available for...private lessons?”

You narrow your eyes and look to Nadja to gauge if he’s joking or not. Nadja only shakes her head in exasperation. 

“Remember what Nandor said, my love,” she croons. “No eating the mortal’s friends.”

Well, that’s...thoughtful, you guess.

Nandor glides in to join you with Guillermo on his heels. When you see the shirt he’s wearing your face lights up with a broad smile.

“You got my shirt?!”

Nandor preens, looking pleased with himself.

“Of course, mortal. I had to show my support for my champion in the ritual combat. Plus it looks really cool.”

You laugh and shift your weight on your skates, looking at him smiling down at you as butterflies wiggle in your stomach. What even is this? You have a crush on your vampire captor?

Nandor’s eyes take in the sheen of sweat across your forehead and your lips parted with the exertion of your work out. The warmth of your stirred blood pours off of you and he bares his fangs hungrily. 

---

“It’s going to be a long week,” Nandor says into the camera later that night. “I drained three humans tonight and I’m still thinking about how sweet her blood would be after the passion of roller derrr-by battle.”

---

But the week does pass and as dawn approaches one morning, Nandor drifts into your room and stands in the doorway silently regarding you for a long, unnerving moment.

“Prepare yourself, human,” he commands, his voice low with authority. “For tonight I will feed from you after I awake from my slumber.”

As you watch him glide back to his crypt, a lump of anxiety forms in your stomach that doesn’t go away all day.

---

“The master wishes to see you,” Guillermo says from the doorway of the library where you’ve been quietly falling apart for the last hour awaiting Nandor’s summons.

You take a breath and square your shoulders before standing.

“Thanks, Guillermo,” you murmur as you pass him, laying your hand on his shoulder with a squeeze. Guillermo doesn’t reply but his face isn’t unkind.

Nandor is waiting for you in his crypt, casually draped over an Edwardian style couch beneath a brilliantly illuminated painting of himself as a human Ottoman warlord.

“It’s time, mortal,” he announces, beckoning for you to join him on the couch.

Though you’ve known this was coming and it’s part of the bizarre deal you struck with him, you still feel awash with trepidation.

“In here?” you ask with a doubtful look at the fine surroundings.

He shrugs, “You have somewhere else in mind?”

“I sort of...set things up in my bedroom…”

You lead him to your room, casting an apologetic glance to the camera crew as you shut the door behind you. Nandor smiles when he observes your preparations. The bed is covered in bath towels and there’s a tidy pile of bandages, surgical pads, Neosporin and tape on your nightstand. You hover awkwardly by the door as he looks over your supplies.

“You’ve thought of everything,” Nandor grins and takes a seat on your bed, patting the spot beside him. When you don’t immediately move to join him he frowns, “You’re afraid.”

“Yes,” you admit, your voice breaking on the word. 

“The fearsome Smashley Glowers is afraid of little old Nandor the Relentless?” he teases and your lips curve in a small smile.

With a deep breath for courage you cross the room and sit next to him on the bed.

“I’m not afraid of you, Nandor…” you explain.

“Oh…” he frowns, clearly disappointed and you roll your eyes at him.

“Just...that you might forget--” you stop and breathe through a tremor of fear, “--forget to stop.”

He shakes his head at your words even as you watch his eyes glaze over in blood lust. He draws his fingers through your hair, baring your neck to his voracious gaze.

“Just a taste,” he hisses, baring his fangs and wrapping an arm around your back to draw you in closer. 

“A sip!” you insist, but he’s already leaning down to your throat.

Nandor’s hands hold you in place, one pressing on the small of your back, the other cradling your head. His gorgeous hair brushes against your jaw as he bends to meet your throat. You shut your eyes, breathing shallowly in anticipation of the pain and dizziness. It’s somehow worse now that you know exactly what to expect. His lips are just as soft and gentle, the sting of his fangs is just as acute, but now it’s not just an anonymous, terrifying creature of the night holding you and drinking you. It’s Nandor. A man who has held you in his sleep and kissed your forehead. A man who has cheered you on at roller derby and made you feel like a person and not...food. His chest rumbles against you as he moans in satisfaction.

“So, so sweet, my mortal,” he mumbles against your bloodied throat, adjusting his arms so that your body is pressed more tightly against him. 

He bites into you again and the pressure on your raw wound draws a mewl of pain from your lips. He relaxes his hold, withdrawing from your neck with a few long strokes of his tongue. 

“Are you alright, my human?” he asks. 

You blink back at him, idly taking in the stain of your blood on his lips and beard.

“I’m...good,” you whisper.

He’s still holding you in his arms and his eyes are so big and bright and stunningly fathomless. Your neck stings and you’re lightheaded and his lips are painted with your blood but all you want is to find out what it would be like to kiss Nandor the Relentless.

So you do.

You reach up and push your fingers through his impossibly soft hair, twining your fingers at the base of his neck and pulling him down to collide your mouth with his. Nandor is entirely unphased. He takes charge of the kiss at once, cupping your face in his large hands and lapping his tongue against your lips. You taste the salt-coppery tang of your own blood as he licks into your mouth, tangling his tongue with yours with a low growl of delight. You’ve been fixating on his hair for the last week and now that you’ve touched it you can’t stop carding your fingers through his locks, letting your nails graze against his scalp as you do so. Nandor’s hands are not so focused. They roam over you, brushing along the pulse of your neck, skimming your shoulders, your spine, cupping your backside and squeezing obscenely, earning a surprised squeak from you. Kissing Nandor the Relentless, you find, is very, very nice. 

As the kiss goes on, you squirm up into Nandor’s lap with a mischievous grin against his lips. You can feel his hardened length against your thigh and you shift against him experimentally, delighting in the gasp that falls from his lips at the friction. No, you don’t have a lot of practical experience. As Laszlo so charmingly pointed out on your first night in the house, you’re a virgin. But you’re no dummy. And you think about what it would be to have your first time be with a vampire...

Nandor breaks the kiss with a wide smile. He pushes you gently off his lap with a wag of his finger.

“Now, now, little one,” he admonishes with a laugh. “We wouldn’t want to spoil your flavor.”

---

A/N: Damnit, Nandor.

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@festering-queen @glitterportrait