#my writing looks like shitty elementary writing compared to that

[mooshkat]

.

[br1ghtestlight]

Have you done Mr.Ambrose headcannon yet?

If not then...headcannons?

🏠 <- this is my home, I live in your asks

NO I HAVE NOT EVEN THOUGH HE IS MY FAVORITE GAY FREAK <\3

he is queer Definitely gay but he's flexible about women in the right situation?? borderline delusional and thinks every straight guy wants him SO BAD (nobody wants him except Me) also he's nonbinary and uses he/she/they pronouns but he doesnt really care he's ambivalent to gender he doesnt give a fuck what u call him

he is a drag queen and does performances at gay bars on the weekends and gets STUPID drunk after he performs. he is shockingly good at doing makeup and costuming. in a better world he wouldve done costumes and wardrobe in hollywood movies

he majored in english when he was in college bcuz he wanted to be either a screenwriter for hollywood movies (fun fact his voice actor directed and acted in a gay romcom and i think thats the kind of thing ambrose would pretend he's too cool for but secretly enjoy) or a novelist (he still writes in his free time) but neither of those worked out as actual jobs so he settled for elementary school librarian. even though he hates kids so much and isnt technically qualified but they were desperate when they hired him

he doesn't have a relationship with anyone in his family like if he died tomorrow everything he owned would go to his dog. his parents were just terrible shitty people and he doesn't get along with them at all refuses to attend family events if they're there. he doesn't talk to his extended family either but he's happier this way!!!! maybe he didnt have a great childhood its not like he would ever talk about it with anyone except for occasionally his roommate when they're up late and he gets very drunk

i also feel like he's either an only child or a younger brother who was always compared to his older sibling but no way his ass is an older sibling SORRY

his roommate is a lesbian and he's gay which is why they live together. no chance of catching feelings (this was agreed upon when they moved in together)

without a doubt he is a functioning alcoholic mostly bcuz he refuses to deal with any of his mental health problems or talk about them with anyone. its going great for him dw

sometimes he likes dressing up in feminine clothing and makeup just for fun and bcuz it makes him feel confident and its a different look than normal. he usually stays home and its just around his roommate but if he feels up to it he WILL be the sluttiest gay at the grocery store or dmv

his full name is william ambrose but he prefers people call him by his last name even outside of a school setting. i think william would be a traditional family name from his great great etc grandfather and he's like ughh im not going to carry the LEGACY of some random dead guy who doesn't even give a shit about me who do you think i am

he is definitely the type to watch shitty reality tv like the bachelor or love island and complain about how stupid everyone is being but also he LOVES the drama and watches every episode. he auditioned once for the gay version of the bachelor but they rejected him and he's still pissy about that if you bring it up

he claims he knows which students at wagstaff are going to grow up to be queer bcuz of his gaydar and he mostly says it to the other teachers in the teachers lounge as a joke but also he is slightly protective of them and won't take bullying from ANYONE if he hears them talking shit there will be an anonymous complaint to the principal. they are his little gay ducklings (gene would be in this category although he's slightly too annoying for ambrose to like him)

[icedmetaltea]

When I was in elementary school my teacher said that I wouldn’t make it to high school let alone graduate and that I would most likely end up homeless under a bridge somewhere.

I was told that art would get me nowhere in life cause I don’t live in an area that likes art.

I’ve seen my art get ripped to shreds by another person when I was a little kid.

It was a purple dinosaur I was proud of 🌲 🦕 🌲

Last time I tried writing a story in a form that could be made into a comic or tv show I was told that’s not how you write a book so the story stopped and was never completed nor edited and sits in a binder most likely to never be seen by anyone again.

I’m scared of creating things I like and showing them off now. Nothing is ever perfect enough.

It’s still tough to show my hobbies at times but it’s not as bad since I’ve been working on it.

That's absolutely horrible anon, I'm so, so sorry :(( Nobody, let alone a kid deserves that.

People that bring you down usually only know that as the only way to bring themselves up. It's wrong ofc, but that's how I rationalize such cruel behavior.

The best way to get back at them? Love yourself. Love what you create, regardless of how "good" or "bad" it is. Create and don't stop (I mean ofc take breaks as long as you need, just like, don't fully give up)

Learn to love the shitty doodles you make in like 5 minutes, learn to enjoy the awkward angles and see beauty in the disappointing color palettes, keep creating and you WILL improve. That's not the goal tho, not to be "good" but to grow in your own way. Create things you want to see, even if it looks nothing like it does in your head. Bring something into the world that otherwise never would've existed.

Make stupid writing rough drafts and keep them regardless of how many misspells there are. Take as much time as you need, but come back to them someday. Every piece of writing is filled with little ideas and inspirations you can weave into something beautiful in its own way.

When you feel overwhelmed and disappointed and talentless, remember everyone on earth, no matter how "skilled" or "good" has felt the exact same way. Art or writing pieces you see are the result of people who also feel talentless and terrible at what they do, or at least have in the past. I know I sure have, and often do, but I continually work through it and am getting better at recognizing when my perception is just blurred via my depression or negative view of myself over all.

Self-criticism can be an amazing teacher, but often too much of it is marred by the shitty insults other people have told us through the years or by our society's constantly reinforcement that perfectionism is the goal to any craft... no. Creation is inherently beautiful. Actual "beauty" is entirely optional. It is enough just to create and enjoy what you make.

SORrrryyy long rant aside, pls don't give up. Take as much time as you need, take long walks outside, watch movies/shows/read books you enjoy, talk to loved ones, look at the stuff other ppl make and don't compare it to your own works and the inspiration will come again. It will grip you and move your hand. One day you will be proud of that purple dinosaur again.

[missmeasured]

20 questions for Fic Writers

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Eight

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

221,561

3. What fandoms do you write for?

So far, Harry Potter and Sweeney Todd. I may do others.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

The Stars on The Staircase

Thunderporn

Stitch Witch

SOTS Bonus Chapters

Growing

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Sometimes. I will if there is a question. Otherwise I am bad at receiving praise and just like when someone complements a dress a made in real life I want people to comment until they do no then I never know what to say.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Originally, SOTS. But it was made clear to me that everyone in the world is having a bad time right now. And really my fic did not need to match vibes with the shitty world.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

SOTS is the only thing with an arc long enough for me to call it a happy ending.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Only once, on Growing. But I think it is because I used the Marauders bashing tag. Once removed, there was no further issue taken with Jame’s penis being compared to Sev’s.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

If you are reading this, then you must know I write smut! Ha ha. I like to think I write two kinds. One is the blow by blow, action by action porn chapters. Then there is the glossed over intimacy of a chapter that where the sex is important to the text, but not written to be viewed as a “sing a long” so to speak.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

No, probably never will as I do no understand who the audience would be.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Let’s hope for no, not ever.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Severus/me obviously. Lol, actually I am wracking my brain and struggling to think of any ship I die for other than that. so self centred of me.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

An ask about Snape being surprisingly gentle in bed, that I turned into a whole build up about how Snape was wildly turned on because someone’s apprentice kept calling him sir.

16. What are your writing strengths?

My @5everus tells me my strength is in my dialogue.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I am bad at editing. I struggle with reading on screens. Searching for typos and small gaffs is just difficult. Which is why my @5everus is the love of my life for helping me. When I read to her on the phone I realize how much I just say it from my heart, and don’t look at the screen. (My eyes hold on to light, its annoying. I can’t read books either anymore.) Thanks to my beta reader for helping me more than I can say.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Would not do it, would avoid at all costs. Both my elementary and high school French teachers were such crazy ladies I think I was put off learning forever.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

As a teenager I wrote a lot of A Series of Unfortunate Events fics in the ship Count Olaf / Esme Squalor on FF.net. They recently changed something and thankfully I no longer get emails when my cringe 14 year old’s writing gets comments.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

I think everyone will come murder me if I don’t say Stars on the Staircase. Thunderporn also hold a place in my heart.

Tags: The two people I know that write are already here. If you follow me and you write please let me know so I can tag you too.

20 Questions for Fic Writers

no one tagged me in this but I saw @hirukochan do it and decided to steal it

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Eight

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

425,915 (most of them Soul of Ice, obviously)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Harry Potter but specifically Snape, and Alan Rickman characters

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

See, this won’t work so well because I have eight stories, but if we could have chapter kudos it’d be a much more interesting exercise to see my five most popular chapters. Anyway:

Soul of Ice

Happy Ending

Soul of Ice One-Shots

Professor Snape II

Morality is an Illusion

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Not unless I have something to say, maybe I should?

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Definitely Three Secrets considering you die at the end.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I want to say Happy Ending for the title lol but really it’s Soul of Ice, which so nearly had a heartbreaking ending but I couldn’t do that to my babies!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Nope, the Snapedom is generally very positive! And who could hate Dad Snape?!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I’ll write pretty much any smut, but I prefer it to be part of a wider context, hence why I don’t write a lot of one-shot smuts. The one-shots I do write are pretty freaky though 😎

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

No, I’d get too lost in the lore trying to explain why the crossover was happening 😂

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yeah, y’all remember when this happened?

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, nobody is insane enough to try and translate my whopper of a fic 😂

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, I don’t see how it’d work personally, although I am big into using people as soundboards. Soul of Ice would be very different without @sevsnapes and For the Love of Books wouldn’t even exist without @snowblossomreads

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

doctorrose, though I’ll probably never write for them. Any form of Snape/Happiness is a-ok in my book but Snephy is obviously my favourite form of that.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I’m gonna finish them all! I promise! Eventually!!

16. What are your writing strengths?

Characters. The most common compliment I get is that people like my OCs, Abbie in particular.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I’m always conscious that my narration isn’t very descriptive. It feels very “he did this and she did that, then they did this and that.” I do try to go back and flourish it a bit but I struggle to be anything other than literal in my descriptions. eg, if I had to describe a table I’d be like, “The table was a rectangle with four legs. It was made of wood.” 😂

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

If I felt the need to do that for whatever reason I’d probably do it like, “Insert dialogue here,” she said in German.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I DON’T THINK I’VE EVER TOLD THIS STORY ok so I was like 9 or something like that and I wrote a snamione story but my mum found out and made me stop because Hermione was like 13. So I did stop but I didn’t just ghost the story, I made a post that my mum said I couldn’t write it anymore but that Hermione finds out Snape is getting married so she gets together with Ron instead. I don’t remember much of what I actually wrote, only that it started with Hermione noticing that Snape had very sad eyes. I’m pretty sure this was before the last book came out so I clearly knew what was up!

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Soul of Ice, always and forever. (I count Professor Snape II as being part of it.)

Tags: @sevsnapes @giosnape @mamawolfsmith87 @snowblossomtumbles @thestephanieflora

[serenity-songbird]

What about a oneshot of 10 year old Kenny bragging about his girlfriend (the reader) who’s in middle school and is 11 years old?

(This is just because I’m curious of the way u would write it T - T)

{Alright! Here it is! I hope you like it!}

Kenny thought he was the shit.

He was the only kid in South Park Elementary with a middle school girlfriend. You were pretty, smart, and funny. He was so lucky.

To be honest...it wasn't that big of a deal.

I mean, come on, it was literally just a one year difference. They were going to be middle schoolers in less than 8 months anyway.

The only people that were impressed were Butters, Clyde, Scott, and Jimmy. Cartman accused him of lying and everyone else just were kind of like, "meh."

But Kenny looked so happy when he talked about you. So they let him brag about it.

"Hey dudes! Look what my girlfriend got me!" Kenny ran up to his group at the park and showed off his brand new parka. It was clean with no tears or holes, it didn't cover his mouth, and it was brand spanking new.

(Picture of parka below. Found on Snipes USA.com)

"Woah! That's a really nice jacket! She really bought you that?" Stan nodded in approval.

"Yeah. It looks good on you!" Kyle gave a thumbs up.

"Wow Kenny! You look like a brand new person. It looks kind of expensive compared to all your other clothes." Butters chirped.

"Yeah...I told her she didn't have to do that, but she insisted. She's kind of a...rich girl so money isn't really a problem for her..." Kenny girmiced at the fact. He originally didn't want to accept the clothes because he knew that they were expensive, even if you ripped off the tags.

He felt bad that he couldn't really get you such nice things and felt as if he was taking advantage of you.

You had to reassure him it was fine. You wanted to spoil him because you loved him. It took some convincing but he eventually accepted your gifts. He was thankful to have you in his life. You gave them to him so he might as well show it off, right?

"She even bought clothes for Karen and Kevin! Isnt she so sweet!"

"Pfft! Come on Kenny. We're not stupid there's no way you have a rich girlfriend. No spoiled rich girl is going to fall for poor trailor trash. Get real!" Cartman laughed in a condescending manner.

Oh yeah. That sent Kenny off. It was one thing to make fun of him, but this involved you. Knowing Cartman he was about to start bad mouthing you and he wasn't going to have it.

"Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman! I do too have an amazing and beautiful girlfriend!"

"Oh yeah? Call her right now then? None of us have met her yet. So why don't we finally see your amazing girlfriend?" He mocked Kenny on the last words.

"You wanna see her? Alright. I'll call her right now." He pulled out his phone and within seconds already had the phone ringing since he had you on speed dial. You picked up after one ring.

"Hey Babe. What's up? I thought you were heading to the park with your friends?"

"Hey Sweetheart. I was wondering if-"

"Oh, come on! You really expect us to believe your talking to someone? You starting quote 'talking to her' within seconds like people answer that fast. Just admit it Kenny. Your pretending to have a rich girlfriend because you're poor and live in a shitty house with shitty parents. You just want attention. You're also just using it as an alibi since you probably stole those clothes. I mean, it's the only obvious answer to your brand new look. Everybody knows your trailor trash family can't afford it."

"Cartman! You piece of-"

Kenny was, once again, inturrupted when Cartman snatched his phone and turned the screen to reveal Kenny's lock screen.

"Ha! See! He wasn't talking to anyone! Called it!" Cartman laughed.

"I was too talking to her! You just hung up the phone when you took it!"

"Cartman! Stop being such a dick!" Kyle yelled to defend his friend.

"Yeah dude. Quit being an asshole." Stan followed.

"Oh come on! You're not actually buying this are you. We've never even met her! It's obvious she's not real. And-OUCH!!!" Cartman rubbed his head were the big ass rock hit him. The back of his had now had a scratch that was lightly bleeding. "What the fuck?! Who threw that!?!?!?"

"I did, motherfucker!!! How dare you talk shit about my boyfriend. I heard what you said over the phone. Take it the fuck back before I stone you with bigger rocks!!!" The boys turned to see, you, a beautiful girl with a fancy (f/c) button up top and a short ruffled-tiered (2nd f/c) skirt. You hair was done nice and neat and you wore expensive accessories (of your choice). You screamed rich girl. If it wasn't for the burning fiery in your eyes, you would've looked like a sweet, innocent girl. However, right now the dark, ominous aura and the piercing glare towards Cartman made you terrifying.

"Oh boy. Kenny, that's your girlfriend. She very pretty...and very scary." Butters nervously tapped his knuckles.

"Wait...seiously?!?!?!" The other three boys exclaimed at the same time.

"No way...You're a rich kid! And you're dating Kenny? The poorest boy in South Park?" Cartman's jaw dropped in both shock and confusion.

"Heh." You cracked your knuckles with a threatening smirk on your face. Your aura burned darker. "I said...take. It. The. Fuck. Back. And. Apologize."

"Yeah. Cartman. Listen to my girlfriend or shell kick your ass."

"Oh please don't make me laugh. She can't kick my ass. She'll be too worried about breaking a nail or messing up her pretty hair and clothes. I'm not afraid of come snotty, weak rich chick." Cartman waved her off. "Why don't you just stand there and look pretty. Everyone knows that's what rich girls do."

Oh. Now he'd done it. Kenny shook his head as his backed off and pulled the other 3 back. He knew that look.

"Well Cartman, now you've done it." Kenny made a "go on" motion towards you.

Cartman wasn't phased when you marked up to him with a vengeance in your eyes.

Let's just say, the moment your fist collided with his cheek, was the moment he knew. He fucked up...

You were getting to know Kyle, Stan, and Butters. At some point, Team Craig walked into the park and watched you kick Cartman's ass. You were getting to know them too.

You all got along pretty great. You were funny, sweet, and tough. Not to mention, you were pleasant to look at. Your smile made hearts race. Everything that Kenny bragged about you was true. They could see why he always talked about you.

You were currently telling the group more about you when you stopped after hearing a crash, crunch, and pained groan.

Everyone looked over to see Cartman face down on the floor. You had hung him up by his underwear on the top of the playground slide so he could think about what he'd done. It looked like his underwear couldn't hold him up any longer and snapped.

"You guys are fuckwads!!! Screw you all!!! I'm going home!!!" He waddled off. It was clear he was in pain.

"...Anyway. As I was saying..." You continued your conversation as if nothing happend.

It had gotten pretty late and it was time to go home. You waved goodbye to the others as you and Kenny walked off together.

...You know...after meeting you and seeing how cool and pretty you actually are...maybe the boys did get a little jealous.

No wonder Kenny bragged about you all the time.

How did he get so lucky?

Bonus:

Kenny was being a sweetheart and walked you home.

"Oh! My parents are both working late tonight so they won't be home til tomorrow morning. Do you want to chill and watch movies before you head on home?"

Kenny got a bit overzealous in his agreement to stay over.

You giggled and let him in. Kenny set up the TV while you set up the snacks. When everything was ready, you cuddled onto Kenny and he put an arm around you.

The movie had barely begun before Kenny spoke in a seductive voice.

"So what do you think. Can I get lucky tonight?" Kenny wiggled his eyebrows in a suggestive manner.

"Dude. No. I'm 11 and you're 10. Chill. Out."

"Damn...It was worth a shot."

[sagemusesoutloud]

Anti-Romantic, Part 1

(credit to the original owner of the image)

Character | Jaehyun x reader Genre | nonidol!au, Mutual Pining, Slowburn, Fluff WordCount | 3.6 K Author'sNote | lmaoooo the fact that I intended this to be a oneshot type of thing oops. Wellllll, I tried. Most likely to be a two part series, but we'll see.

This is part of a series I intend to call "If Songs were Fics" and this particular one was loosely inspired by TXT's Anti-Romantic bc I'm obsessed. I hope you enjoy reading as much I enjoyed writing it!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

I don't know who loves me

And I don't care, It's a waste anyways

A romantic feeling, Kinda scares me

“Any plans for you birthday next week?”

Jaehyun shakes his head at you, “no, not yet, don’t you have that date with that barista?”

“I’m not sure, he’s been acting weird over text lately. Might not be worth it,” you shrug your shoulders. “Besides, it’s your birthday! You only get one of those a year, we should plan something.”

You were on your way to the gym, a ritual you and Jaehyun had ever since you both found out you worked for the same company. You had been childhood friends, but ended up losing touch since you went to separate universities.

It was a nice surprise to see a friendly face on the first day of orientation and throughout the duration of your training for the next six weeks. Although you were both from different departments, you enjoyed taking your lunch breaks together and sharing small gossip about your old class-mates.

“ugh, don’t remind me,” he let’s out a long sigh, “every year, it seems like my family won’t stop pestering me about starting a family.”

“What’s so wrong about that?”

“Nothing, just not for me. Or at least not yet. I don’t think I’m the type to settle down,” he shrugs again as if it were no big deal.

You gasp, “how could you say that? I’ve seen your insta account. It’s got your cousin’s kids all over it!” You stop to take a good look at him as he holds the door of the gym open for you. “Back in school too, you used to tutor those elementary kids for volunteering hours. Even when you didn’t need them. You’ve always liked kids.”

“That’s different…”

“Right. Totally different things. Got it,” you roll your eyes. This wasn’t the first time he mentioned not wanting to settle down. At first, you had thought it was because he liked ‘keeping his options open’ like back in high-school. Or, not that you knew for sure, but if the rumors were true then it meant he slept his way around. Apparently, he never slept with someone twice and despite the cold shoulder the other party would get, all you had ever heard were praises. Not that you paid that much attention or anything.

You and Jaehyun had the same circle of friends, but despite that, he had never made any advances towards you. You’d be lying if that didn’t bother you at least once or twice. You just assumed that he didn’t want to make the friendship awkward or mess with the friend dynamics of your group. Which was why your crush on him in junior high ended as soon as you got to high-school.

You ended up going on dates with other people, but nothing that kept your interest. Nothing that compared to how you felt around him. Not that he seemed to think the same, so you tried your best to stay the good friend you always have been. You didn’t want to push something he clearly didn’t want; not that it didn’t hurt any less. Throughout the years it’s become bearable, at least. Almost like a painful habit.

You check in and head to the locker rooms to change. His nonchalance about the subject had always puzzled you. You’d seen first hand how all the female coworkers seemed to sway their hips as they walked by him, how some would pop a blouse button more than usual when around him, and you swore no one else was getting that much help throughout training more than him. He was handsome and a gentleman, that much was painfully obvious.

You meet him outside by the water fountain, “ready for warm-up?” he guides your way to the treadmills.

“When’s the last time you dated?”

You would have laughed if you weren’t so shocked to see him trip from the corner of your eye. “why the sudden curiosity?” He finally responds.

“Not sudden, I’d always wondered.” You defended. “You’re good looking and you’re very…I mean, you live on your own and have your own car. You have good relations with your family AND you’re good with kids. So, what is it?” You hadn’t realized how troubling you thought it all was. But now that you started digging you couldn’t stop.

“I just—” you pause, “it doesn’t make sense.”

You hear him chuckle, “you might wanna slow down before you pull something.” You look down and realize that your pace had gone from a relaxed jog to a borderline run during your rant. Maybe this wasn’t the best time to psychoanalyze your only friend in the city.

“Well, I just don’t know how to let people in. It’s just that.” He finally responds. “I love kids, but I don’t know or think I’d be a good partner.” He slows down before stopping, ending the conversation. He waves you off with an easy smile as you stay running.

Huh, maybe you pushed him too far. Your eyes can’t help but follow him around the gym.

Sweet and bitter chocolate, The taste at the end is always the same

Like the saddest movies, Only tears in my eyes

Your hands were sweaty the entire morning, anticipating your lunch time. It was his birthday today, and while you hadn’t made any concrete plans you ended up agreeing to go over to his place after work. Your gym bag was ready with snacks and comfy clothes to stay over. You remembered him saying he was excited to watch that new Marvel movie that had recently come out so you had bought it online to stream it at his place as a surprise. But what had you nervous was the small heart shaped box sitting in your purse. You didn’t know what possessed you to buy it but you had immediately thought of Jae when you passed by it at the mall. You remember vaguely mentioning that it was a special occasion to the sales lady (as in, his birthday), but she must have thought it was your significant other rather than friend because she changed the box to the red velvet shaped one while giving you a wink. In her defense, you could have protested but…why didn’t you?

You hear a knock on your door, “hey little miss sunshine.” Ah, Nakamoto, this couldn’t be good news. He was only sickly sweet to you when he needed a favor.

“What do you want?” you deadpan. He only laughs as he makes himself comfortable in your office. “Well, nothing in particular. Can’t stop by and see how you’re doing?” he feigns hurt.

“Right—the last time you ‘came by’ you left me working over-time through the weekend,” You sigh, “so what is it this time? Missed meeting? Late proposal?” To be fair, your supervisor WAS overworked sometimes. And since you were the only worker under him, it was normal for him to sometimes share some of the load with you.

He smiles at you, “nope. Just have a proposal for you. I know you’ve been working hard these past few months and I’ve been really impressed by your work ethic.” He stands and moves closer to your desk, “And I thought some sort of reward was in order, as well as celebration.” Ok, now you’re confused. You were ok with the reward part, it usually came in the form of a gift card to your favorite coffee shop, but celebration?

“Why would we celebrate? Did I miss something?”

“Not yet, but I did recommend you to the partner position with me. And I wanted to be the first to tell you that the boss approved it earlier today. So, what do ya say? Dinner on me?” he extends his hand out to you and wiggles his eyebrows playfully.

Oh.

Shit! You were hoping this would happen eventually, moving up from the entry-level position you had. But you had never thought it would be this fast. “Oh my gosh, are you serious?” You give him your hand and he shakes it in mock salute.

“Of course, some people will come by to move your computer to the office next to mine. You start Monday!” he winks, “So, wanna go to that new rooftop restaurant? This is a once in a life-time ticket, so you best say yes.”

But your dinner with Jae…He’ll understand, right? He has to. It’s not like he seemed that excited about it anyway. And you could always spend the day together tomorrow, too. It would be pretty rude to turn down Yuta after he pulled some strings for you…

You smile at him, “Thank you Mr. Nakamoto, I won’t let you down as a partner. Yeah, dinner sounds great. Wanna meet there?”

You sit down on the small table, now nervous for other reasons.

Jae sits opposite of you, a small smile on his face. “Hey you,” he greets.

“hey…” you start, “I hate to change plans so suddenly, but…” crap, you feel really shitty. But you really were between a rock and a hard place.

“everything ok?”

“yeah, no. I actually just got promoted,” you start.

“You did? That’s awesome! So fast, too. Wow—but shouldn’t you be more enthusiastic about it?” he chuckles.

“I am, just—my old supervisor wanted to go to dinner to celebrate. And I don’t think I could say no after helping me out like that.”

“I mean, did you want to skip it or?” Now he’s confused.

“Well, he wanted to go out tonight since I start Monday and today’s Friday…I don’t think I can come over tonight,” you explain.

Realization crosses his features before he gives a small smile. “Don’t worry about it, you’re fine. And he’s treating you! You don’t know when the next time he offers might be,” he continues, “we can celebrate another day anyway.”

“Are you sure?” now you feel like shit.

“Of course I’m sure.”

For the rest of the lunch, a thick silence settles before he excuses himself back to work.

Jaehyun knew this was coming. Nothing ever went his way; it’s why he kept everyone at a distance from his heart. But he was weak when it came to you. This game of push and pull was bound to keep happening, and it only brought him that all familiar foul taste in his mouth.

I know, that sweet love song, Those words of promise

When you turn around, It's just an unfamiliar someone

It was why he decided to go else-where for university, instead of joining you and some of your friends to the one closest to home. He chose to go across the globe—far, far away from the curse of you.

It had started on a windy day, back when you were 4 and new to the town he grew up in. Jaehyun didn’t want to leave his mother’s arms, he didn’t like the thought of being with strangers until later in the day even if his mom promised that she would be back. A little girl with jean overalls like his came up to him and his mom, “why are you crying?”

“I am not!” he sniffed. He didn’t need to make new friends like his mom was trying to tell him. All he needed was to go back home. You took out something from your pocket and showed it to him, “look, my mom said I could give one to my first friend. She said it was sharing. Want one?”

In her little palm, were two kiss chocolates. “You’re not my friend,” he grumbled, “I don’t know your name.” At that, you giggled, “I’m Y/N!” you took his hand and placed a chocolate there, “there, now we’re officially friends.”

“See, Jae? You can spend some time with Y/N and have fun. Before you know it, I’ll be back,” she promised.

“Yeah, Jae! Come play blocks with me, and then we can try the coloring.” You held his hand as you led him deeper into the classroom. Just like that, Jae began to feel a little warmth in his chest. He didn’t mind that his favorite thing to do was play tag outside or that he wasn’t really good at coloring inside lines yet. But that didn’t matter to him. As long as he had this one friend around, he was content.

Sorry I'm an anti-romantic, I want to run far away

My heart that already chases after you, Blazes up as a small flame

Looking back at it now, it was a little funny. All it took to let you in back then was a simple chocolate kiss and your little sticky hand in his leading the way. You were always larger than life to him, sometimes he forgot that you were just as human as him.

As you two continued to grow, nothing seemed to change your friendship. But he knew that the depth of his feelings wasn’t mutual. It was in the way that you brought a lot different people together and decided to call it your family. Another of your friends, Jungwoo, liked to joke that you collected introverts for fun. To Jaehyun, it was more likely that you just didn’t see the fun in leaving people out. You were charming and passionate. Traits he wished he had. Your empathetic nature and gentle disposition were all that Jaehyun needed, even if he wasn’t the only recipient.

Once you guys started to hit puberty, things started to feel rocky. Jaehyun couldn’t help but physically distance himself from you, his ears were always red-hot. You had always been pretty to Jaehyun, but you were starting to become really beautiful. And if the boy’s locker rooms’ talk were anything to go by, then other people were definitely starting to realize “what a great catch” you were.

It really pissed him off. Who were they to say things as if all you were was a piece of meat? It disgusted him. But what disgusted him more was the fact that sometimes, he couldn’t help but also feel the way your body felt in his when you hugged in greeting. He hated the way his body reacted to everything you did.

He first messed around with a senior girl back when he was a sophomore, Sooyoung. She was leaving and he couldn’t take it anymore. Your boyfriend was a piece of trash and he was tired of hearing the way he would share what Jae considered to be intimate moments that had no business being public. But you seemed so happy… that next game, Jae stole the ball from him and scored on his own. Even if it cost him a three hour lecture from the coach, he would do it again. Fuck being a team, that guy was an asshole.

What he hadn’t planned on was liking messing around. He would never admit it, but the reason he couldn’t commit was because he couldn’t get rid of that small grain of hope that glowed in his chest every time you stared at him longer than would be deemed normal. It wasn’t often, but he knew he wasn’t seeing things. So, he succumbed to the cycle of push-and-pull that you guys had going on.

Jaehyun wasn’t blind, he knew that your work definitely spoke of your professionalism, but he’s also seen the way Nakamoto stared after you. Of the way his hand would often touch your waist when walking together. Even now, as he hears you apologize through the phone again as you get ready for your “date” with him he can’t help this heart feel heavy with anger. Anger at himself, for letting you slip away once more. He usually hopes for nothing but the best for you, but this time, he wishes you had an awful dinner.

Sorry I'm an anti-romantic, I don't believe in romance

I'm afraid that after burning my whole heart, It will only leave behind ashes

Throughout the entire dinner, you can’t seem to get Jae out of your mind. It keeps you from enjoying the delicious food, keeps you from keeping your usual banter with Nakamoto.

You’re about to call it a night and thank Nakamoto for inviting you out when he beats you to it, “damn, I was hoping this might be a good break from the usual overtime we do, but something tells me your mind has been elsewhere,” he offers good naturedly, “I know it’s valentine’s, so maybe this is why we feel so awkward, right?”.

You grimace a bit at that, “ah—I’m sorry. I really am grateful for the way you look after me in the company and I’m also thankful for this lovely dinner,” you stop a bit, afraid you might offend him, “I agreed to come out tonight, so no need to feel awkward.” You offer a smile.

“Alright then. I guess you already have your sights on someone?” he prods. Should you be honest? There was no rule against dating outside your department, and you were pretty sure your new boss’s wife also worked within the company. “…I do. But I’m pretty sure they don’t feel the same way. It’s been so long since we’ve known each other. Surely if something were to have happened, it would have by now.” You were loosening up, definitely the wine’s fault.

Nakamoto sighs at that, “damn, and here I thought I could woo you after this,” he winks jokingly but you laugh him off. You knew he didn’t care for you that way. “I really hope you’re talking about the guy you always eat lunch with. I swear everyone thought you guys were married when you were released from training.”

“What?! No, I—we’ve been friends since we were children—”

“Aha! So it was him then,” he smirks. “Good.”

You groan, “Please, no.”

“What, it’s not him? You sure about that?”

“I will neither confirm nor deny that statement,” you groan. Why were you discussing your love life? You push the wine away and take a sip of your water.

“Hmm. That’s too bad. Could have sworn that guy was after you.” He stands up. “But fine, I’ll stop prodding.”

You sigh in relief—“for now.” You groan. “What do you even mean by that? You don’t even know him. Or me, or at least personally at least.”

“Mmm, I don’t have to. Some things you just know. Like how he wishes I was six feet under every time we run across him at work,” he sobers up at that. “He seemed like a cool dude, but his glare isn’t too friendly. I don’t know how you fell for that.”

You scoff, “just because someone has a resting bitch face doesn’t mean they’re a bad person.”

You both make your way to the underground parking. “You’re right, it just makes them unapproachable. Is that why you won’t confess?” His genuine tone rubs you the wrong way, you don’t need be given false hope.

“Stop it, you said you would drop it,” you frown, “Anyways, thank you for the food boss—”

“—not your boss anymore. Just call me Yuta, we’re partners now.”

“Aren’t you two years older than me?”

“And?”

You shrug at that, “well, thanks Yuta. For the food, not for the interrogation.” He chuckles at that, nodding while pulling out his car keys. “see you Monday!” he waves you off.

You sigh as you get home. It wasn’t as late as you thought it was, only a few minutes past nine. You really wanted to see him. Would he be busy?

You fish out your phone and dial his number before chickening out.

“Hello?”

“Jae! It’s me. Are you busy right now?” your heartbeat is pounding so loud, you’re scared he could hear it on the other end. “Right now?” you hear shuffling on the other end, “no, I was just reading that book Jungwoo sent me. Might have dozed off a bit into it but don’t tell him I said that,” he chuckles.

“Why, is everything ok? It’s still early, did you end dinner that fast?”

“Oh, Yuta and I called it a night pretty early. Too many couples were out and about and it got a bit awkward,” you explained.

“Yuta?”

“Ah, yes. Yuta Nakamoto, but now that we’re associates, he said it would be better to address him less formally.” You waive him off, “actually, I was wondering—if it’s not too late, can I still come over? If not, that’s cool. We can still hang out tomorrow, but your birthday is today and I thought—”

He laughs at your rambles, “of course you can come over, you know you don’t have to ask. How many times have I told you that?”

“Ok, ok. Just checking,” you still had your comfy change of clothes in your car, so you opt to save those for tomorrow and change into something causal for tonight.

“Do you want me to go get you? We can get ice cream on the way, hopefully they don’t close early.”

“Sounds like a plan then,” curse your heart for melting at everything he says.

“Alright, give me 15 and I’ll be there.” He hangs up.

You look at your bag, resting on your sofa and you sigh. The entire night, it’s almost as if you could feel the weight of his gift weighing it down. Yuta is known for being very observant, it’s why he was so good at his job. Closing deals and making contracts in advertisement. Would he be right about this? You know you desperately wish he was, but is it worth risking your best friend?

EndNote | Woooow, that was a longass ride. Let me know if you liked it or if there are other typos I missed! Or just to let me know what you thought, that would be much appreciated. I'm thinking of finishing it by Sunday 6/13, so hopefully the next part is up by then. Until then!

Here's Part 2!

[melodyalanaroster]

To answer some Fanfic Questions...

So, this is my response to @broxklynn‘s post... I decided to make this its own post... So that It can be properly answered.

1. How and why did you start to write? Is there some kind of story behind it?

I started writing in general when I was in elementary school... Back when I just had a Platform 9 3/4 journal, not many friends, recess, and a desire to immerse myself in the world of Harry Potter. I enjoyed writing, and even joined the Writer’s Club in High School (but I eventually left to join Anime Club and Divergent Thinking Society). As for writing MCL fanfiction, I began writing Sam’s and Alana’s stories as early as when I first got into the fandom, back in 2013. Alana’s story started out as “A Fresh Start”, had a one shot called “When I Wake”, then turned into “Let The Dawn Be Broken”, and is now “The Melancholy Of Melody Alana Roster”. The final product barely has any hints of the first 3... In fact, Sam’s story, “Fighting Darkness”, has been completely debunked due to what I’ve decided to canonize in “The Melancholy Of Melody Alana Roster”. Writing MCL fanfiction has been a major help in distracting me from the depression that was caused by family issues, severe abuse, Stockholm Syndrome, my mom’s disease and her death, as well as working at several shitty jobs. Writing has helped me escape reality and keep myself sane enough to not be a black hole of hate, anger, and sadness to my friends and boyfriend.

2. What do you struggle the most with your writing?

There are 2 major things I struggle with... 1 is Timing. I often set deadlines for myself that I never meet and it makes me so frustrated that I miss them... There are currently things in my drafts that were meant to be “Holiday Specials” for Valentine’s Day and Halloween 2020 that are still unfinished... It makes me feel like I’m letting my readers down, when its more of me letting myself down... The other thing is Inspiration. Because I hate my job, I often think about Alana’s story in an effort to not be completely consumed by the fact that I do hate my work... Due to that, I often come up with ideas for my story that I think are FANTASTIC for my story... But, by the time I get home, I’m either in too much pain or too tired to write, or I’ve forgotten the ideas...

3. What is your favorite genre to write?

I love writing Romance with a bit of Slice of Life and a hint of Action/Adventure... 

4. Slowburn or “Flame”/PWP?

Slow burn any day.

5. How do you overcome writer’s block?

If I absolutely can’t write... I work on other stuff I need to do... Typically, something around the house, or something online I need to do... I also look for cool stuff to add to wish lists... I’ll occasionally play videogames or read comic books... In an effort to subvert writer’s block, I like having multiple chapters in my drafts at once. If I’m not in the mood to work on one chapter, I can work on a different one.

6. What kind of thing you dislike the most, when reading a fanfiction? (for example: particular plot, grammar mistakes)

One thing that makes me upset (and it makes me madder when I do this) is misspelling... Especially when it looks like its almost blatant... You have autocorrect, USE IT! Or when a fanfic is so awful, yet the author acts like their work is a gift from god... I don’t mind a “bad” fanfiction... Hell, the concept of “My Immortal” is so bad that its hilarious... But Fifty Shades did a lot of damage and E.L. James acts like she’s bigger than Jesus... Seriously, she wrote Twilight fanfiction, changed some minor details and names, people who have no knowledge of BDSM ate it up, and she acts like she’s a “Sex and Relationship Guru”...

7. What’s the biggest issue for you, when writing a Beemoov fanfiction?

The biggest issue for me is finding out when to allow for Beemoov’s writing and placement to take place in my story. I don’t like a lot of the events of UL and LL, so I’m often finding myself in a position where I have to watch video playthroughs and go “Okay, how can I omit this character, but keep this scene?”. I’ve had to do that A LOT with Alexy and Rosalaya.... Although, to a certain extent, I’ll often cut their scenes out altogether. I really hate what Beemoov did to them. They were great characters in HSL, but became utter shit in UL and stayed shit in LL. To make up for Beemoov’s writing style, I’ve created my own characters, added in old characters (like Kentin and Armin), added in bits from the manga (like Viktor, Severina and their fathers), and gone off on my own storyline. The Melancholy Of Melody Alana Roster is close to MCL at times, but often veers off onto its own road.

8. Have you ever created a character based on person in real life? (celebrity, someone that you know, etc)

YES!!! A LOT of characters in my story are based on real people! Alana’s step-father, Nate Films, is closely based on Nathan Fillion. A lot of her family members are based on members of my own family, just changed a bit to fit the story. Lynne Roster, Alana’s mom, is what I had always dreamed my own mom would be... Hell, Alana’s cat, Sylvester, is based on my own childhood cat, Luna.

9. How do you feel about your own characters? Do you think of them as your babies or have rather love-hate relationship with them? (And, do you have favorite one?)

I love most of my characters. I do hate 3 in particular... But, you’re supposed to hate, or at least not respect, them... That’s why I poured my hatred into them... Those 3 are Carol, Kai and Azrael. Carol has aspects of my abuser in her. You’ll see more of her when I finally post the HSL related chapters... And understand what I mean... Kai is based on one of my real life cousins that I’ve not been happy with for years (the one who my bf has deemed “the family failure”). You mainly see him in the Cousin Mels chapters, and in the Christmas Special... Azrael is the one who is seen the most in the UL chapters, and she is a main adversary for Alana. She is the one who broke her the most, the one who ended Alana’s relationship with Nathaniel, the one who truly traumatized her. As for ones I love... The one I love the most is Alana... I know, she’s a reflection of me, so that’s kind of vain... But, she’s a part of me. When I do finish her story and am at the point where I need to say “Goodbye”, it will hurt....

10. Enemies-to-lovers or friends/bestfriends-to lovers?

Definitely friends/best friends to lovers. I also like toying with what happens when best friends turn to lovers, but circumstance parts them and one moves on...

11. Is it easy for you to get inside your character’s head? Can you empathize with them? Is there’s some similarities between you and your main character?

It is VERY easy for me to get into Alana’s head... Like I said in #9, she is a reflection of me. She looks and acts like how I’d like to in a lot of situations... Her life is more interesting, traumatized, and more well off than mine... But, she is still me in major ways...

12. Who has been the biggest supporter of your writing?

Definitely my boyfriend. He doesn’t really understand the game itself... But, he likes how happy it makes me and he respects how much of my heart, soul, blood, sweat and tears that I’ve poured into writing my story. He loves listening to me read passages from it to him while I’m working. He gives me advice and his opinion is highly valued... My family knows I’m writing a large story, and have seen some of the images that I’ve gotten commissioned, but they don’t really know or care about the game. They do respect the fact that I am writing. They love the fact that I’m slightly following in my mom’s footsteps in that regard (she wrote 3 books and several poems). My online friends have been very supportive as well! I’m constantly updating them on what I’ve worked on each day in my Discord Server and the words of encouragement always help.

13. How do you handle criticism?

Not well. Due to the abuse and family issues mentioned in #1, for a good amount of my life, I’ve gotten nothing but harsh criticism... So, now that I’m away from all that, at 26 years old, I’m just now getting to a point where I’m starting to take it better... But, I’ve got a long way to go.

14. Do you like giving your characters trauma? Why/why not?

I hate sounding like a sadist... But, I’m going to anyway, so fuck it... Yes. I have done awful things to Alana over the years. In A Fresh Start, she got sexually assaulted and ostracized. In When I Wake, she gets into a car crash, put into a coma, and in her dream state murdered by Francis in front of Nathaniel. In Let The Dawn Be Broken, the plan was for her to end a war. In “The Melancholy of Melody Alana Roster”, her childhood cat dies, her mom gets sick, she gets abused by Carol, her best friends get ripped away from her for a bit, she gets sent to a country halfway around the world alone, she gets assaulted and ultimately turned into a weapon of mass destruction.... I’ve even thought of killing her mom off at one point... But decided against it...

Now, granted, A Fresh Start and Let The Dawn Be Broken never saw completion, but happy endings were planned for them...

I do this, all while giving Alana happy endings in each story because “If Alana can go through utter hell and make it through, then so can I.”... I know, I’m “god” in that regard and I can control how Alana’s life is.... But, the fact that in my writing, she ends up standing tall, happy, with everything she wants, after everything she goes through does make me feel better.... 

15. Are you proud of yourself? When you look at first piece you wrote and compare it to the latest one?

Yes. If you look at A Fresh Start, you can tell it was written by someone fresh out of High School. There’s no real depth to it. Let The Dawn Be Broken isn’t much better... But, The Melancholy of Melody Alana Roster has become my magnum opus. It is the largest piece I have EVER written, and will probably remain the largest piece I write. I am very proud of what I have created... And when its last word is written, and I am ready to get it made for it’s place on my shelf, I will feel very bittersweet about it... That being said, my original plan for a sequel involving Nathaniel’s and Alana’s daughter, Aurora, has been discarded. I don’t believe Aurora could ever have as much of my heart that her parents do...

And there you have it! Some insight into my world, writing, and history!

[xxcureangelxx]

5, 9, 10, 13, 20, 21, 24, 25, 28, 30-35, 38-42, 44-46, 50, 52, 54, 60-62, 66, 71-74, 86-91, 96, 100! 😊

okay I literally have no clue how old this is and if I'm even taking the questions from the right post but here goes I guess? 🙈

<u>5. What is your favorite Color?</u>

PURPLE

<u>9. How tall are you?</u>

about 1,70 meters or 5'7"

<u>10. What shoe size are you?</u>

size 40-41, I think that's about 8 in US sizes?

<u>13. What talents do you have?</u>

uhhh good question... not sure if it counts but I guess I'm quite good at a lot if things but can't do anything extraordinarily well?

<u>20. Are you religious?</u>

Absolutely not. Due to family history and a lot of other things I'm actually against it a lot but people can do whatever they feel like is right for them as long as they don't harm others with it.

<u>21. Have you ever been to the hospital?</u>

Yes, quite a lot actually. practically grew up in hospitals as a baby because of kidney issues, broke both my legs with 4 years old, had to revisit for tests a lot during my childhood because of the kidney issue. it calmed down afterwards until I was back in hospital last year because of my terrible mental health and I'm currently in a rehabilitation clinic for it as well.

<u>24. Baths or showers?</u>

Shower's because we don't have a bathtub

<u>25. What color socks are you wearing?</u>

currently none, I love going barefoot, but usually I wear white, gray or black. I know... I'm a bad gay.. no rainbow socks (;ŏ﹏ŏ)

<u>28. What type of music do you like?</u>

you know.... I hate this question with a passion even though I love music so I'll just throw in my yt-playlist here and everyone who's interested can look through it to get a picture xD not sorted in any way and not a conclusive list at all, I just add songs as I find them

<u>30. How many pillows do you sleep with?</u>

mostly just one at a time but I've got two different ones. one is the normal fluffy kinda pillow, the other is made of some kinda foam material and rather thin.

<u>31. What position do you usually sleep in?</u>

I'm always lying on the side! have been doing that since I was a baby too.

<u>32. How big is your house?</u>

compared to what? 🙈 I'd say decent size for 5 people to live in, would have space for 1-2 more if rooms were used differently but definitely not enough to comfortably live with 12 or even more people like my family used to. we've got like 3 proper sleeping rooms (one of which is the attic so not very nice in terms of heat and the staircase is smack in the middle of the room), a kitchen, a dining room, a big living room, a tiny bathroom that barely fits a toilet and shower, and the basement is a mix of storage, electrics and stuff, washing room/utility room and it's got another smaller room that's been turned back into a small workshop but used to be the room of my brother and later my grandmother.

<u>33. What do you typically have for breakfast?</u>

I guess this is where it shows that I'm german but we usually just eat bread (preferably whole grain) with cheese or slices of salami or ..meat sausage? is that a proper translation? 🤨 idk... it's rather simple really. on the weekend maybe buns and boiled eggs. on the occasion that I'm too tired for it or don't have enough time I eat cereals but it's not very common when I'm at work/school

<u>34. Have you ever fired a gun?</u>

No, and I don't want to

<u>35. Have you ever tried archery?</u>

Yes!! I did last year when I was in the hospital and it was super fun! was quite good at it as well, even for my first try 😤

<u>38. What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep?</u>

I think about 3 days? if we count "barely unconscious for a few hours" as sleep that is... otherwise no clue...my memory of the bad sleepless time is quite hazy lol

<u>39. Do you have any scars?</u>

yeah, quite a few tbh. got 2 huge ones from surgeries due to my kidney issues, well they look like 2 but it's actually multiple ones since they simply cut open party of the old ones again, tiny hooman apparently have very little skin. then I got some other ones here and there from accidents, general dumbness, etc, like when I cut through my sunday morning bun and almost cut half of the tip of my finger off because my mother sharpened the knife and didn't tell me or that time as a kid I couldn't wait for my ironing pearl pictures to be done and burned myself on the hot iron, mostly stuff like that.

<u>40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?</u>

I mean.. if they're a secret... how would I know? ;) not sure if it counts that it took me months to realize I had a crush on my best friend and the feelings were reciprocated and I was too blind to see the signs?

<u>41. Are you a good liar?</u>

Nope. People actually think I'm lying more often than I lie... so.... :/

<u>42. Are you a good judge of character?</u>

I'm.. honestly not sure what this one means? like, am I able to judge what kind of character a person has after barely meeting them or smth? if so, I'm terrible at it

<u>44. Do you have a strong accent?</u>

in german? nope. in english? hmm hard to judge since I rarely hear myself speak. I think the stuff I do know how to pronounce is mostly okay but since I learned it through reading I'm simply unsure of a lot of pronunciations. 'also'.... I can not for the life of me pronouns that word no matter how many times I hear it... it's kinda become a quirk after some classmates pointed it out to me and I'm incredibly aware how terrible I say the word but.... just can't get rid of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

<u>45. What is your favorite accent?</u>

I.. actually really love the way my best friend talks? 👉👈 they're french btw. just... typical me for struggling to understand them though, already terrible at it in german too...

<u>46. What is your personality type?</u>

honestly, I don't think I can answer that. I'm big on self loathing and everything's pretty shitty so, no thanks

<u>50. Left or right handed?</u>

Right handed. but does it even count id I'm bad at doing things with that hand too? lol

<u>52. Favorite food?</u>

hmmmm tough question... not the biggest fan of food in general a lot of the time... probably Züricher Geschnetzeltes

<u>54. Are you a clean or a messy person?</u>

Definitely messy. my allergies did not like this post trying to clean and tidy up more often though. my depression does not like this post either

<u>60. Do you talk to yourself?</u>

sometimes. quite a bit when watching movies or if I mess stuff up

<u>61. Do you sing to yourself?</u>

barely. got a lot of bad experiences with that so i keep my singing to a minimum. my shower is a great listener though

<u>62. Are you a good singer?</u>

I was in a choir for a few years when I went to 'middle school' and I had like one solo part once but other than that I can't really say because I barely ever sing in front of people

<u>66. Do you like long or shor hair?</u>

this question is currently my absolute nemesis.. I've got suuuper duper long hair and have had it ever since elementary school and I used to be super happy with it and sometimes I still am happy with it but other days, depending on where I'm at genderwise, I absolutely hate it and I just want to take the closest scissors and cut it all off... currently haven't had the guts to look for new hair styles though... but in other people? or women more specifically? I love long hair 🥺

<u>71. What makes you nervous?</u>

Or the shorter question: what doesn't make me nervous... I'd say pretty much everything has got the potential to make me nervous. I'm an overthinker, anxiety is a big thing for me and ptsd makes me scared of almost everything. so.. yeah... sucks to be me sometimes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

<u>72. Are you scared of the dark?</u>

Yes, very

<u>73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?</u>

I try not to but sadly I sometimes do, even if it's not my place to. I really don't like that part and hope I'll be able to learn not to sometime

<u>74. Are you ticklish?</u>

Yes and I hate it 😭

<u>86. What are you allergic to?</u>

again, easier question: what am I not allergic to... it's... a lot... like, really a lot. with the test on the skin of my arm I reacted to every single substance and the more thorough blood test lead to much of the same result. the absolute worst are birch trees (pitty, love those), then the usual pollen of pretty much every tree or flower, all animals with fur or feathers, dust and... yeah list goes on and on, you get the picture... :/

<u>87. Do you keep a journal?</u>

no.. have tried to multiple times in the past but never made it more than a week... too depressing to write and read... the therapist at the rehab clinic is currently forcing me to try a positivity diary for the millionths time, can't even get that done each day even though I'm doing it on my phone and get notifications to do it each evening...

<u>88. What do your parents do?</u>

making my life hell lol.. okay on a serious note, my father was a car electrician, he's retired by now, my mother is a housewife, she used to work different jobs before her first kid, later on she took care of my grandmother who was suffering from dementia, got some money and retirement points for that too.

<u>89. Do you like your age?</u>

I-... I don't know? it's weird because I both feel a lot younger and a lot older than I am rn....

<u>90. What makes you angry?</u>

another tough question... I actually have anger issues in that way that I'm barely capable of feeling anger... used to be worse but I already worked a lot on it in therapy so there's at least some there now... in the past I simply started to cry and felt overwhelmed by sadness whenever I was supposed to feel anger... so I can't tell very well what makes me angry because I first have to realize that I'm feeling anger or more like should be feeling it....

<u>91. Do you like your own name?</u>

Not really, no, but I guess I finally figured out some reasons why.. I've recently started going by a bit of a different name too but only my closest friends know so far and I'm not sure if I'll be using it irl at all..

<u>96. How did you get your name?</u>

I'm still trying to get my mother to admit that she named me after this song but she keeps denying it.. she's a fan of this band so it would have fit.. but she keeps saying she just liked the name, no long thought process behind it..

my chosen name is a bit of a different story. an ex friend I got to know through yt gave me that nickname almost 10 years ago after I complained that you can't make a shorter nickname out of my birthname and it's also the name of s character I like, especially his voice, and... idk it just feels more gender neutral and I simply feel comfortable with it. it just fit.

<u>100. Color of your room?</u>

same as question 5: Purple 🥰 or... well half the walls are purple, the other half is white

phew... can't believe I made it through all of these....

in case people haven't noticed yet, I'm currently kinda getting back into tumblr? I think I've already stayed a lot longer than any times I tried getting back before. it mostly started because we've got super bad wifi at the clinc I'm at rn and reddit takes up waaayy too much mobile data and... idk, I guess I just missed the vibe of tumblr

I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stick around but we'll see

[candyshua]

When Our Star Burns Out || Jeon Wonwoo x Reader

When you meet a strange boy by the name of Wonwoo through a game of dodgeball, you would have never expected him to change your life the way he did.

Genre: Heavy angst & tooth-rotting fluff

Word Count: 10,121

Warnings: Death, alcohol, mentions of sex, cursing, & cancer

A/N: i really hope you guys enjoy this. i spent so long writing this and i’m actually quite proud of it!! this is a very long oneshot as you can see, but i really hope you guys like it:))

You and Wonwoo had met in one of the most odd and unconventional ways a pair of human beings could possibly ever meet. You were 17 at the time, in the prime of your rebellious phase. You had always hated the way the world worked, with its cruel and unjust ways. You had worn colorless clothing, dyed your hair red without asking your parents (they made you dye it back to its original color the day after they found out), and got your belly button pierced with a fake ID. It was safe to say that you did things your way, and your way only.

Yet, somehow, you found yourself at your friend’s birthday party in a trampoline park on a Friday night, when you could be drinking or smoking or literally anything else besides that. It was the middle of January, yet the cold weather outside didn’t even compare to the cold words you had told your friend, Jinah, when she invited you.

“What are we, elementary school kids? That sounds fucking lame.” You had hissed. Jinah, however, was used to you and your off-putting ways.

“There will be free food and cake. All you have to do is get me a stupid gift and show up.” 

And so you had found yourself at the trampoline park on that fateful January night. It was called Jumping and Jittering, which made you want to projectile vomit all over the neon-lit letters in front of the building. When you had walked inside, you were greeted with bunches of little kids running around and screaming. You instantly regretted showing your face at that stupid party.

The place was huge, though. The ceilings were very high, and its walls were an uncharming orange hue. In the way back, there were many mini trampolines where people could jump freely. There was also an obstacle course, a jousting station where kids fell into pits of plush, and most importantly, the dodgeball section. You were attracted to it immediately, and you somehow found yourself leading Jinah and the attendees of her party to said place.

And then, you saw him. Once you walked into the game of dodgeball, your eyes locked with a rather handsome and pleasant looking boy, who seemed to be around your age. You immediately looked away after you made eye contact, ignoring the sudden jolts of electricity that dashed around your entire body, leaving you with an uneasy warm feeling. His narrow yet alluring dark brown eyes perfectly contrasted with his goofy smile that he flashed to one of his friends. His nose was wide and its bridge wasn’t very prominent, but you found it extremely endearing. You had stopped yourself from further observing him, since you found yourself associating the word “endearing” with a random boy’s nose. 

Yet, his lovely tufts of black hair that fell over his forehead just perfectly left your heart beating rapidly. 

Before you knew it, the game of dodgeball had begun. You were always quite the athlete, even when you were little, you were always challenging boys who thought they were the best. That athleticism had stuck with you for a very long time.

You found yourself picking up a plush orange ball, and you locked eyes with the stupid, handsome boy and threw it as hard as you could. You didn’t know where this competitive mood had stemmed from, but all you knew was that you wanted to get that boy out. 

He had underestimated you and your strength, seeing as he reached out to it with one hand, expecting to catch it and get you out. However, the ball hit him in the arm, and despite the ball’s softness, the impact kind of hurt. The referee (a young man with a very sad look on his face) had monotonously motioned for the boy you had hit to get out. So, the handsome guy gave you a mischievous yet playful glare and trudged off the trampolines and off to the side.

After getting him out many more times, the playfulness in his eyes was replaced with a fiery determination to beat you. Soon, everybody else except you two were out, and the stranger kept giving you a very dirty look. You were sure he was taking this way too seriously, since you were barely breaking a sweat from the amount of physical activity you had endured.

There was one ball left, and it was in his hands. You had nonchalantly jumped in place on one of the trampolines, letting him get in his own head. Jinah and her entourage were cheering for you, but you knew you were going to win with or without them. This handsome boy’s main flaw was that he was far too emotional--you didn’t know his name but you could already tell that.

So, when he threw the ball at you at a seemingly unstoppable pace, you had caught it (you’ll admit it, with some effort) and smiled deviously. Everybody from Jinah’s party started to cheer, and you even found yourself basking in your own victory. The poor boy looked mortified.

After the excitement died down, you stood at a vending machine waiting for the water you just bought to come down. However, it stayed lodged between the glass and the shelf.

“God dammit!” You cursed, helplessly shaking the machine in hopes of getting your water. Sadly, it was to no avail, the water bottle was stubborn and didn’t move an inch.

You were just about to walk away until you locked eyes with the guy you had publicly humiliated. You blinked twice to make sure you weren’t imagining him walking your way.

You didn’t exactly know what to do. To be honest, you didn’t plan on ever interacting with the handsome stranger ever again. However, he intended on interacting with you.

After a very long 15 seconds, he was finally right in front of you. 

“You’re really good at dodgeball,” He murmured nervously, “I didn’t expect it.”

“Thanks.”

(You weren’t really the best conversationalist.)

He looked a little discouraged at your bland response, but he wasn’t going to give up.

“My name’s Jeon Wonwoo. What’s yours?”

You blushed a bit, wondering why he was interested in knowing your name. How was such a handsome guy like Wonwoo trying to get to know you?

“My name is Y/L/N Y/N.” 

“That’s a cool name.”

“Thanks.”

(You internally cursed at yourself, hating the way you were awkward and shitty at talking to people.)

He was just about to walk away awkwardly until you stopped him. You don’t know what weird force had gotten into you, but you didn’t want your encounter with this very handsome boy to end so quickly.

“Hey, could you help me with this?” You questioned, feeling heat rush to your cheeks. Wonwoo turned around and flashed you his pearly whites, and in that fateful moment, you knew that you wanted him in your life. His beautiful smile made you feel things you had never felt before. You didn’t exactly know why this boy was making you feel like your entire body was melting from his warmth. All you knew was that he was very cute, and he had a nice smile.

He walked past you and shook the vending machine once, and then plop. The water bottle fell and you gave Wonwoo a very shy grin.

“Thank you...Wonwoo.” 

“No problem, Y/N.”

After a very anticipant silence, Wonwoo spoke up.

“Can I um...get your number?” 

Oh thank God, you thought, I thought I was going to be the one to ask.

“Yeah, of course.” You responded a little too quickly.

Was that too eager? Was Wonwoo already turned off? Did he now want nothing to do with you?

That was kind of your specialty--making people want to have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Yet, Wonwoo didn’t budge. In fact, he found your eagerness quite relieving. He had thought the attraction was one-sided.

(It wasn’t.)

-

You were freaking out, to say the least. It was the end of January, and you thought you were going to die of excitement and nervousness.

You and Wonwoo had been texting non-stop for the past few weeks, and he finally mustered up the courage to ask you on a date. He asked you to go see a horror movie with him, to which you happily obliged. You loved horror movies.

You didn’t exactly know what to wear, so you stuck with a maroon sweater and a regular pair of blue denim jeans. You put on a nice pair of converse, not wanting to try too hard. Your hair was stylishly let down as well.

Once you heard the honking of a car from outside your house, you bid your parents farewell and eagerly ran out the door. You had learned Wonwoo was only a year older than you. He was in his first year of university and he absolutely adored it--he majored in film. His dream was to be an amazing filmmaker, which you had found extremely endearing. 

Once Wonwoo had laid his eyes on you, his mouth had fallen slightly agape. He thought your simple outfit complimented your entire demeanor perfectly. You looked angelic amid the cold winter night. Your cheeks and the tip of your nose were red, which made Wonwoo’s insides feel odd. There was no other way to put it, he didn’t feel normal--he felt weird and unusual. But, it wasn’t a bad kind of weird.

After the movie ended, Wonwoo had learned that you--like him--could handle horror movies quite well. He had found you incredibly cool, and he thought your charisma multiplied exponentially each time he learned something new about you.

Finally, you had arrived back to Wonwoo’s car after running to it in the freezing cold. The city lights of Seoul were seen in the distance, but you had wished you could’ve seen the stars instead. 

“I love stars.” You blurted while curled up in a ball in the passenger seat of his car. He chuckled at your adorable nature and put his jacket on you like a blanket. You ignored the quickening pace of your heart and the heat rising to your cheeks despite the ungodly cold weather.

“Why?” Wonwoo probed, eyeing you shyly. This was new, exciting, yet comforting. You were loving every second of whatever this was. Dating? Friendship? Whatever it was, you didn’t want it to stop. Ever.

“Well, I mean, they’re pretty far away, right?”

“Right.” 

(Wonwoo tried to stifle a smile that broke out since you were so goddamn adorable, but he failed miserably.)

“Yet, we’re still seeing their light. Even if they’re many light-years away, their light still got to us. Hell, the star could’ve even burned out by now--but we still got to see them.”

You had looked at Wonwoo shyly, expecting him to laugh at you and your stupid interests. 

Instead, however, you were pleasantly surprised.

“That is quite a nice way to look at it. It makes me...feel at ease. Like I know I’ll always have the stars to depend on.”

Wonwoo’s words had made you want to kiss him right then and there. However, your words were quicker than your actions (or lips).

“Yes! Thank you, god! Everybody always calls me stupid for thinking like that...Or annoying. Or both!” You joyously shouted, making Wonwoo’s smile widen even more.

“You’re cute.” Wonwoo blurted, which made you freeze up. Despite the heat you were receiving from Wonwoo’s jacket and your own clothing, you felt oddly chilly.

Yet, it was a good kind of chilly. You liked it a lot.

“So are you.” You had retorted, wondering where the bravery to flirt came from.

Suddenly, you had felt infinitely grateful to Jinah and to the fact that you attended her stupid birthday party. You also felt grateful to your athleticism, your competitive nature, and of course, to Jeon Wonwoo.

-

The beautiful winds of spring had kissed your skin just right. You walked through the fair, hand-in-hand with Wonwoo. To say that you were at ease would be an understatement--you felt so much more than that. Despite having just gotten off an extremely scary ride, you were content and tranquility flowed throughout your veins.

Wonwoo, however, was still shaken up from that rollercoaster. You led the both of you to a table by the concessions and made Wonwoo sit down.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” You asked, worry prominent in your voice. Wonwoo then felt his heart ache dramatically, and he had come to the realization that he hated seeing you hurt. He could hear the pain laced into your voice, and he knew that he was the cause of it. It felt absolutely awful.

You then sat down next to Wonwoo and took his hands in yours. “You can tell me anything, you know…”

With those words, Wonwoo had found himself surprisingly opening up to you. You two had been dating for about three months now, yet Wonwoo could be very stoic at times. You had wanted to learn more about your boyfriend, but he had trouble trusting people.

However, you were different. Ever since the night of your first date, he knew he could trust you. He was just scared of opening up and then losing you. The last thing in the world he wanted was to lose you.

So, you had learned about Wonwoo’s fear of rollercoasters, which stemmed from the problems he had with his parents. 

His parents didn’t support him or any of his artistic endeavors. They had wanted him to be a doctor, since he had a mighty sharp brain that could do something more “productive” than making films. However, Wonwoo rebelled, saying that being a doctor just wasn’t his dream. His parents were never supportive.

He recalled one time in his early childhood where he went on a rollercoaster, but his parents had refused to go with him. And, in that moment, 8-year-old Wonwoo had felt terribly alone. That feeling of loneliness stuck with him until the day he moved out of his childhood home.

“I know it seems trivial,” Wonwoo began after explaining himself, “but it’s me. It’s why I hold you so close, it’s because you listen. You support me, and I’ve never really had that before.”

Your eyes bored into Wonwoo’s dark irises with intensity. Before the rational and cowardly side of you could deny, you had pressed your lips against his with fervor and love.

Love.

You had loved Wonwoo, to the point where he was always in the back of your mind. Little things like the smell of mint or horror movies would make you think of him. Whenever he was the center of your attention, your insides pooled with warmth. He made you feel human, like you could finally breathe again. 

You had hated the world, it was horrible and cruel. People were worse. However, whenever you were with Wonwoo, you forgot about the terrors of the world and your hatred towards people. 

You finally pulled away and gave him a playful stare. 

“Sorry.” You giggled.

“It’s okay.” Wonwoo gave you a lazy smirk.

You gave him one last peck on the lips, and then backed up on the bench you were both sitting on. The sky was blue and cloudless. There were many people all walking in different directions around the two of you. Children’s laughter could be heard among the bustle of life, yet all you could focus on was the man in front of you. You wanted to bask in the moment and observe every little detail of the atmosphere, including Wonwoo’s black skinny jeans and simple white t-shirt along with your red blouse and black leggings. It was your first kiss with Wonwoo (or with anyone for that matter) and you didn’t want to forget it,

“I hate everything--well, I used to.” You blurted.

Wonwoo then gave you a puzzled look.

“Why?”

You sighed while you shifted nervously in your seat, and then you finally decided to open up to him--he had just done the same to you. It felt right.

“When I was five, I was put into foster care. My mother could no longer take care of me, despite not having any financial troubles. To sum it up, I was a burden. And, it hurt--a lot.

“Yet, after three years of being in foster care, my new parents had found me. They took me in and, for a short period of time, I felt like I was theirs. I didn’t feel like an abandoned piece of trash. 

“Sadly, I had to start my new school. The kids there were absolutely horrible to me, they would steal from me and call me names. I was nine. But, I grew up and I learned how to stand up for myself. It led me to be friends with Jinah, and then I met you.”

Wonwoo stared at you with his big, innocent eyes. His respect for you had just been multiplied by a thousand. He kissed you again (mainly because he wanted to initiate at least one kiss), and then he hugged you tightly, as if he never wanted to let go. 

(You didn’t want him to.)

-

“What do you want to do with your life, Y/N?” Wonwoo asked you while the two of you stared at the stars on a summer evening. The sudden question had startled you.

“Well, damn, I don’t know.”

Wonwoo scoffed and turned on his side so he could look at you. You glanced at him very briefly, staying on your back. You were enjoying that particular date, since Wonwoo had taken you to the countryside so you two could look at the stars without them being overshadowed by the city lights. You had told your parents you were going on a drive with Jinah, but they saw right through your lie.

However, they didn’t call you out on it. They saw the way your lips slightly curled upwards when you thought of what you were about to do. They knew you loved him.

You let yourself bask in the silence and contemplated Wonwoo’s million-dollar-question. You hadn’t really figured that out yet. You were an exemplary student, and all of the colleges you had applied to accepted you. However, you didn’t exactly know what you wanted your career to be.

“Well?” Wonwoo cooed, giving you a small smile.

“Um…”

You were silent for a bit--until it hit you.

“Oh! I know!” 

Wonwoo glared at you. 

“How about you tell me?” He sarcastically exaggerated. He couldn’t contain his smile, though. You were just too damn cute.

“I want to be a writer.”

Wonwoo grinned widely.

“We have similar interests, don’t we?” 

You shrugged. You tore your gaze from the sky to look at Wonwoo again. 

“I just have a lot of ideas. I think I could write them down, and then make them into a story. I don’t really know, to be honest. I’m just kind of winging it.”

Wonwoo laughed at that. You playfully glared at him and stuck out your tongue. After Wonwoo’s eyes averted from your gaze and went back to look at the stars, you felt the feeling of happiness melt into your blood.

You knew you would remember that moment for the rest of your life. And, when you would get sad, you would force yourself to think about it. You would force yourself to think about Wonwoo’s beautiful smile, and his smooth black hair, along with his lanky limbs yet well-built body. 

“Thank you, Wonwoo.” You murmured shyly.

“For what?”

“For playing dodgeball that one stupid night.”

It was an odd feeling--knowing that the foundation of your relationship was some stupid game of dodgeball. It was also odd to think about how long ago that night in January felt, when it really was only seven months ago.

Wonwoo smirked and then scooted over to you, and planted a wet kiss right on your lips. You smiled into the kiss, wanting him to know that he made you happy--that he made you smile.

Wonwoo had driven you two back to the motel you were staying at for the night. And then the kisses you two shared turned into something more serious, more fervent. Before you knew it, your clothes were off, and then Wonwoo was inside of you, and then you were no longer a virgin.

Once you two were finished, he cleaned you up and then snuggled up next to you, burying his face into the crook of your neck.

“I love you.” You confessed with a quiet voice.

“Finally.” Wonwoo laughed.

“What?”

“Finally. It was about time one of us said it. I love you too, Y/N.”

You let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding. 

You fell asleep in each other’s arms that night, knowing nothing but your love for one another.

-

You had started Seoul University. It was a huge change, to say the least. Your classes were stressful, pain-inducing, and time-consuming. However, you were skating by in terms of grades--your GPA was very high and your grades were amazing. 

One day, your creative writing professor had called you to meet him right after class. Your mind automatically went to the worst possible reasons as to why he wanted to meet with you. Were you in trouble? Did you do bad on an essay? Oh god, was he going to seduce you?

“Hi, Professor.” You nervously greeted while avoiding his gaze.

“Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble. It’s quite the contrary, actually.” He must have sensed your apprehension. Were you really that easy to read?

You finally made eye contact with him. You cocked your head to the side, as if your curiosity was a sign for him to continue.

“Your latest story was absolutely amazing, so I submitted it to some publishers in New York I’m friends with, and they absolutely loved it.”

Oh god.

“And you said you speak English, right?”

You nodded slowly. You swore your heart was in your throat.

“Well, they want you to go to New York for a year and work under them. They see potential in your work, Y/N. As a matter of fact, a lot of people do. I recommend that you do it, it’s a huge publishing company and they could really get your name well known. Plus, it’s kind of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”

 You didn’t know how to react. Were you supposed to be happy? Excited? Why was your first thought about Wonwoo?

“I’ll think about it.” You sighed, trying to fight the sudden solemn mood you were put in. This was supposed to be great news, but why did it feel like you were losing?

You contemplated not telling Wonwoo at all, since you were almost certain that you were going to turn the offer down. But, Wonwoo could read you like a book, so when he came to pick you up after your literature class, he knew something was wrong. You weren’t your usual talkative and passionate self, you seemed hollow.

“What’s wrong, Y/N?” Wonwoo questioned with concern laced in his voice. You had sucked in an uneasy and sharp breath, wondering if it was even worth telling him.

“I got an offer.”

“Elaborate.” “Okay, so, I got an offer to work under these really famous publishers. They read a short story of mine and they want to see more of me.”

Wonwoo furrowed his eyebrows intently and cocked his head to the side. 

“And this is bad because?”

“Because I’d have to go to New York City for a year.”

Silence.

Wonwoo’s lips pressed into a firm line after your soul-crushing words. Wonwoo knew you were talented and extremely intelligent. 

“I don’t think I’m gonna take it, though.” 

Wonwoo gave you a look that somewhat resembled anger. He was mightily conflicted. 

“Do it.” He surprised himself when he said that.

Wonwoo’s words had hit you like a punch in the gut. Why was he encouraging you? Did he want you out of his life?

“But I--”

“Do it, Y/N. Don’t stay for me, please. This isn’t what you want--you don’t want to turn down amazing opportunities for me. You don’t want a simple life, do you?”

He waited for you to answer. He then gave you a very stern look, and you were coaxed into answering.

“No, I don’t.”

You didn’t, that was true. You couldn’t possibly imagine settling down for a mundane and safe life. You wanted excitement, you didn’t want to work in a job and have to climb the corporate ladder. No, you wanted to follow your dreams.

“Exactly. I love you, Y/N. And, since I love you, I’m not going to stop you. This is your dream.”

You knew he was right. You knew that this was your dream, and you shouldn’t be putting it on hold for a man. Despite your earth-shattering love for Wonwoo, you couldn’t let that get in the way of your dreams.

“I’ll be gone for a year--at least. That means…” 

You couldn’t even bear to finish the sentence. You felt a lump in your throat start to form, and then the tears started to fall effortlessly. You were a sobbing mess, but Wonwoo held you and calmed you down, repeatedly saying “I love you” and “it’s okay”. 

Wonwoo’s words had always been able to calm you down, but in that moment, his words only made your heartache worsen.

-

You broke up with Wonwoo the night before you left. The both of you knew it was coming, the inevitability of the entire situation was unstoppable.

You had showed up in front of Wonwoo’s house at around 11 PM, waiting for him to come down right after you called him. The look in his eyes said that he knew, and that it was okay.

“Hi.” You managed to muster. Your voice had already cracked from the oncoming onslaught of tears.

“Hey.” Wonwoo’s eyes were warm, and he gave you a sad smile. He took a step closer to you and kissed you on the lips softly, as if it was his way of saying goodbye.

“I love you, um, a lot.”

“I know.”

“You know if you tell me not to go, I won’t. I’ll stay here with you.” 

You knew you had wanted to go, but Wonwoo had this insurmountable power over you. His opinion mattered so goddamn much, and if he wanted you to do (or not do) something, he just had to say the word.

“I’m not a selfish person, Y/N. You know that.”

You were already breaking down. Wonwoo’s bottom lip was quivering, and you could tell he was trying to keep it all together for you.

“You can cry, you know.” You forlornly chuckled. He returned the sad laughter, and soon he started to sob just like you.

You took a step closer to him and tried to take in everything about that night. The smattering of stars in the sky, the way Wonwoo’s porch light was flickering, and the way your heart was breaking.

“I love you.” Wonwoo whispered, his voice breaking. You let yourself soak in those three words for a bit. 

Long distance could never work. The difference between timezones, the loneliness, just everything about it was so off-putting. So, that was off the table.

And, despite your love being so strong and real, it couldn’t change the way reality worked. And, the reality of everything was that this was most likely the end. You were both young and in love, but there was no realism in the idea of staying together forever.

You then looked at Wonwoo’s chocolate orbs and took in a deep breath.

“Let’s break up.”

All Wonwoo could do was nod and give you the world’s saddest smile. You finally maneuvered your way out of his touch and gave him one last wave goodbye, almost as to say “I’ll never forget you”.

How could you ever forget Jeon Wonwoo?

-

You were absolutely exhausted. You were about to drown in fatigue until your friend, Cynthia, came and shook you awake.

“It’s time to go home. Need a ride?” She offered, but you shook your head tiredly.

“No thanks, my boyfriend is gonna pick me up. Thanks, though.”

Finally, your boyfriend Joshua arrived in his lovely car. You trudged to the vehicle and you forced yourself to keep your eyes open. You finally opened the car door and gave him a lazy kiss before shutting it.

“Tired?” Joshua asked, amusement prominent in his tone.

“Joshua Hong, I really hope you’re not entertaining yourself with my pain right now.” You half-jokingly hissed, which just led to Joshua chuckling quietly.

“Where to?”

“Your apartment. No sex, though--too tired.”

“Understood.”

-

You laid in Joshua’s bed and scrolled through your phone mindlessly. You heard the shower running, but you were just too tired to join him.

Suddenly, while scrolling through Instagram, you had gotten a follow request. Ever since you permanently moved to New York, you had gotten a new Instagram account, wanting to snip the roots of your old life.

You had went to New York for a year, went back to Seoul and graduated, and then you moved back after you fell in love with the city. It had been two years since your graduation, and it was safe to say things were looking up for you career wise. At the promising age of 24, it felt like there was nothing you couldn’t do.

But then your jolly mood had dropped completely once you saw Jeon Wonwoo’s name flash on your screen. He had found your Instagram.

Despite only seeing his name, you found your heart beating slightly more rapid than its usual pace.

Out of instinct, you stalked his account (which was public) before you accepted his request. You noticed how there was a huge absence of any females in his post, just Wonwoo and his friends from back home. He had no bio, and his profile picture was a picture of the night sky with lots of stars.

It was a different account than the one he had when you two were younger. However, it still screamed Wonwoo. Although you were only seeing what he wanted the world to see, you felt as if he didn’t change at all. 

Before you could talk yourself out of it, you accepted his follow request. What was the worst that could happen?

You had moved on. Wonwoo was your first love, but the blazing days of your youth were over. Now, you were an adult. You were more mature and you had a steady yet exciting job. Your boyfriend of two years loved you dearly.

You felt safe. You felt secure.

So, letting Wonwoo follow your Instagram account wouldn’t do any harm whatsoever. None at all.

You woke up to an incessant ringing. You groaned out of reaction, blindly reaching for your phone. 

“God, why is your alarm on? It’s Saturday.” Joshua grumbled with his raspy morning voice.

“I turned my alarm off. Someone’s calling me.”

You then look at the caller ID, which read “Dad”. Why was he calling you at such an odd time?

You pressed the green “answer” button and put the phone up to your ear.

“Hello?”

“Y/N, you need to come back home. Your mother is sick.”

-

It was 4 in the morning, and you were desperately hailing a taxi. You finally succeeded, and you told the driver your home address after he finished boarding your luggage. Despite Korean being your first language, it felt foreign on your tongue.

Once you arrived home, you paid the man and brought your luggage inside with the help of your father. The reunion was bleak and filled with sorrow. Your father’s hopeless demeanor said it all.

Breaking up with Joshua had given you major deja vu. You were the one leaving, yet again. But, Joshua was an incredible and understanding man, so there were no hard feelings. It hurt beyond belief to leave him and New York, but you weren’t going to stay there and leave your parents all by themselves. You may have been selfish at times, but when people truly needed you, you were there for them.

Once the two of you finished unpacking your luggage, your father drove you to the hospital. It had been a week since your father had called you, but unpacking everything and breaking up with your boyfriend weren’t exactly speedy processes.

The car ride was deadly silent, as if saying anything would make things worse. 

Apparently, your mother had been having horrible migraines, to the point where she could barely see. So, your father took her to the doctor’s one day, and they found it she had a brain tumor.

It was operable, but the surgery was extremely risky, with a ten percent success rate. The reality of the situation didn’t really sink in until you saw your mother’s frail body laying down on a hospital bed. Your eyes immediately were filled to the brim with tears at the sight of her.

“Hi Mom.” You croaked, trying not to let her see you cry.

“Y/N...I missed you.” 

You stifled an oncoming sob.

“I missed you too.” You wallowed in the silence. Oh god, it all felt so real--too real. Soon, the regrets started to flood into you, attacking you like a tidal wave.

You would call your mother once a week, and they would last from ten to fifteen minutes. She would want to talk more, but you were just so damn busy.

You watched your mother intently. Her eyes were closed and her chest was barely rising with each breath. You contained yourself from downright sobbing.

Suddenly, you heard the door creak open. You turned your head and expected to finally meet one of the doctors, but you were greeted with someone you had never expected to see in person ever again.

Jeon Wonwoo.

“Wonwoo…” Your mother mumbled after opening her eyes, giving him a weak smile. Your mouth fell agape at the sight of him. He had...grown up. His hair was still the same black color, but it was now curly and more voluminous. He had become much more muscular and built--he wasn’t the same lanky and scrawny boy you had remembered. His eyes were no longer doe-like, they seemed sage and mature.

He was expecting to see you, but you still managed to catch him off guard. He gave you a weak smile and handed you a coffee, which you took with hesitation.

“Hi, Wonwoo.” 

He smiled. Oh god, that damn smile. Suddenly, you were seventeen again, and the center of your universe was Jeon Wonwoo. 

It had barely been two minutes of reuniting with him, yet you already felt like you were about to implode from warmth. Did meeting exes always feel this way? Like the feelings were still somewhere in the air, lingering?

“Hi, Y/N.”

His voice sounded the same. It was still deep, smooth, and song-like. You realized you didn’t need the coffee anymore, you were already wide-awake.

-

You had learned that Wonwoo had been taking care of your mother alongside your father while you were gone. That added to the insurmountable guilt you felt. 

You had also learned that Wonwoo was working on a film, to which you were pleasantly surprised.

The two of you sat on your front lawn and chattered over some beer and finger-foods. The moon hung low in the sky, and the late-summer wind felt nice against your skin. You found yourself looking at the stars, just like that one night with Wonwoo.

“So, Y/N, how have you been?”

Wonwoo had tried to act as nonchalant as possible. He didn’t want you to know that he was still madly in love with you.

“Um, good, I guess. My job was going really well...I managed to transfer to one of their offices in Korea, so that’s a relief.”

Wonwoo nodded, listening intently. 

“I um, had a boyfriend.” You saw his content eyes waver a bit. 

Ouch.

Wonwoo tried to hide his hurt with a surprised, fabricated grin. 

“Obviously, it didn’t work out. He was Korean, but he didn’t want to come back to Korea with me. So, um...we ended it.”

Wonwoo had downed another beer by then. You gave him an empty chuckle and followed in suit.

After a few more drinks, everything else was a blur. Suddenly, you and Wonwoo were kissing, taking each other’s clothes off, and then sleeping side-by-side, holding each other like nothing had changed.

You awoke with a killer headache. You had reached to your nightstand to grab some Advil, but you were bound to Wonwoo. His long and muscular arms were snaked around your waist, and he was holding onto you for dear life.

And then the memories of last night came flooding into your mind, each memory more painful than the last.

Yet, being in Wonwoo’s arms just felt so natural, like you were supposed to be there. With him.

Maybe you were supposed to be with him all along.

“Wonwoo, get up.” You croaked, and you heard him mumble a noise of disapproval.

“Let’s stay like this for a bit more, please.”

You sighed.

“Okay.”

The next day, you avoided Wonwoo like the plague. He texted you multiple times, along with a few missed calls. You were too preoccupied with taking care of your mother anyway.

You had caught up with your mother, and she learned much more about Joshua than you would let her know over the phone. You noticed the way her smile didn’t reach her eyes when you talked about him.

Yet, when Wonwoo walked into the room, the spark in her eyes was back. 

“Hey Mrs. Y/L/N, I brought you some bread from the bakery you like.” Wonwoo smiled, holding up a brown paper bag. Once he came over to the both of you and handed your mother the bag, he motioned for you to meet him outside of the room. 

You didn’t want to talk to him about what had happened, that was an undeniable fact. You didn’t want to come to terms with your underlying feelings, because you were so scared. You were scared of opening up to Wonwoo again, you were scared because Wonwoo made you feel like you were young and reckless again.

He had this placid power over you, and it never truly died down over the years of being without him. You may have suppressed it to the back of your mind, but the moment your life got entangled with Wonwoo’s again, you were vulnerable.

Being with Wonwoo again after all of those years made you feel like Joshua never existed. Like you never moved to New York, like you two had never broken up. Why was your love for him so unmatched? Why couldn’t you move on?

You could forget about Wonwoo for a bit, but the moment you would go face-to-face with the man, everything came back. So, no, you didn’t want to meet Wonwoo outside of the room.

Yet, you still did. And you let him take your hand in his and walk you outside, to the courtyard. You let him look at you like he still loved you, and you let yourself return his love-filled gaze.

He sat you down on a bench. The sky was gray and cloudy that day, and the weatherman said it was going to rain. The sun was hidden behind the fluffy clouds, but you still felt warm when Wonwoo held your hand in his.

Despite the fact that there were many people walking around the yard, when Wonwoo’s eyes met yours, you felt as if the two of you were alone. As if it were you and him against the world.

“Hi.” Wonwoo stalled.

“Hi.”

“Should I just get straight to the point?” 

You nodded.

“I...um...I never forgot about you. I never truly moved on. I dated girls here and there, but it just wasn’t the same.”

You gulped, feeling a solemn pressure in your chest.

“And, um...I still love you. A lot. And seeing your instagram feed being filled with you and that guy Joshua, it hurt. And I regret drinking with you and sleeping with you, not because it was you, but because I didn’t want to restart things this way.”

You tried to look at anything else besides Wonwoo’s intense gaze. You tried to look at an old lady getting wheeled around, you tried to look at a group of kids playing tag, but you just couldn’t. 

Your eyes met Wonwoo’s. You realized that you never felt that level of intensity with Joshua, and it was quite a cryptic epiphany.

All of those years you had spent in New York, you were just pretending to be over Wonwoo. You never were.

Yet, you felt selfish. How dare you endeavor in romance while your mother was dying?

“I can’t.” You sighed, finally tearing your eyes away from Wonwoo. He sucked in a sharp breath, as if he were just cut by a knife. You had debated not explaining to him, but you thought Wonwoo had deserved that much.

“I just can’t do this right now. Not with my sick mom, Wonwoo. I can’t let anything distract me from her right now, I’m sorry.”

Wonwoo shook his head and clenched his jaw.

“This is your problem, Y/N. You always think you’re the problem. Do you wanna know what your mother told me before you came back?”

Silence followed his question. Yes, you wanted to know--of course you did.

“She said that she wanted me to man up and ask you out again. She wants me to marry you, Y/N. Why else would she let me stay by her side all this time? Because she didn’t want me to be in her life?”

Your mom was sneaky, you had to admit. She had always loved Wonwoo. 

She loved him because he made you happy. 

“Okay.” You whispered. Wonwoo quirked an eyebrow. 

“What?”

“I said ‘okay’. Let’s try this thing again.”

-

Your mother’s funeral was a blur. All you could remember was the bleak colors and Wonwoo’s tight grip on your hand. All you could feel was agonizing, soul-crushing pain. Pain ate at you like a vulture eatings its dead prey, you were a breeding ground for it. After all of the arrangements were done, you had sat in bed for a week, only getting up to go to the bathroom. Wonwoo had brought you food to eat three times a day, but you would barely touch it. All you could think about was the fact that your mother was dead.

She had died about two months after you got home. Your family had decided against the surgery, since it could’ve killed her even sooner. So, she lived out her last two months diligently. She didn’t spend them in a hospital bed, she spent them with her family.

The night she died was also a blur. You had rushed her to the hospital after you came home from work one day and found her collapsed on the ground. There wasn’t much the doctors could do, or at least that was what they said. 

And, in that moment, you felt completely and utterly powerless. 

Your father was avoiding his emotions, unlike you. You were battling them head on, and you were losing miserably.

Your father would go out to drink at least three to four times a week, and he would come home absolutely shit-faced. 

Wonwoo had stayed strong, despite the pain that encapsulated his heart. He would cry silently, when no one else could see. He needed to be strong for you and your father, since the both of you had nobody else.

You returned to work a month after she died, greeting your coworkers emptily. You sat down and reviewed stories that were in the process of getting published, no longer feeling that spark of passion you had once felt while working. Everything was bleak, including you.

Three months after the death of your mother, Wonwoo was lying in bed beside you one night, listening to your steady breathing. “Y/N,” He began, “are you awake?”

“Yes.” You croaked.

“Can I tell you something that might make you mad?”

You didn’t have the energy to object.

“You need to get back to the world of the living now, Y/N.”

At this, you turned around to face him. 

“What?”

“You need to come back to life. You’ve been a zombie these past few months, but it’s not what your mother would’ve wanted.” 

You felt yourself grow cold at Wonwoo’s truthful words. The pain you were experiencing had emotionally crippled you, and you had given up on about everything. Time had meshed into one big blur, and your memory was hazy; you could barely remember what you had for dinner last night. You started to cry into the crook of Wonwoo’s neck while he hugged you tightly. 

“It’s s-so r-real Wonwoo. It’s t-too real.” You cried as he rubbed your back with his warm hands. The ache in your heart had left you breathless. You just missed your mother so much, the longing to see her absolutely consumed you.

“I know...You just need to start living again, Y/N. For her.”

You looked up into Wonwoo’s passionate eyes. You nodded weakly and pursed your lips together in an attempt to halt your sobs.

You thought of your mother who had seen potential in you when nobody else did. When she brought you home with her, she had provided you with your first true family. She wouldn’t be able to stand seeing you wallow in your own self-pity like this.

After a few moments of silence, you bid Wonwoo good night and fell asleep in his arms. You had a hazy dream, all you could muster from it was that it was about your mother.

-

Slowly, you had started to rebuild your life, along with your father. Every day was painful and a struggle, but you knew your mother would have wanted you to move on. You could do this, you knew you could.

-

It had been a year since your mother’s passing. Despite the vacancy she left in your life, you no longer felt hollow. And, whenever you thought of a nice memory you had of her, you would smile instead of breaking down. You were getting there.

-

You couldn’t see anything, the only thing guiding you was Wonwoo’s hand and his voice. “To the right!” He ordered, but you had purposefully went to the left just to spite him. Despite being slightly ticked off at your stubborn nature, he laughed softly.

“Ew, why are your hands so sweaty?” You chuckled, making Wonwoo’s blood run cold. 

He was nervous, that’s why! But, he didn’t want to ruin the surprise.

“I dunno.” He coolly responded. You shrugged it off and then started to focus on the task at hand. Where was this stupid man leading you to? And why were you blindfolded?

You suddenly felt fresh air kiss your skin. “Are we outside?”

“Shut up and let me do this?”

“Do what?”

Wonwoo didn’t respond.

You were sure of the fact that you were outside since you felt wisps of grass caress your ankles. It was a lovely July evening, over two years since the death of your mother.

The two of you had come to a sudden halt. You were both staying at a hotel for a weekend, since Wonwoo had suggested you two go on a “getaway”. You happily obliged, not suspecting much from it.

You felt Wonwoo untie the bandana around your eyes. Suddenly, a whole new world had opened up in front of you. There was an abundance of stars in the night sky, and there was a trail of rose petals leading up to the stairs of a gazebo. Wonwoo held your hand and led you down the path as shock filled you up and rattled your bones. 

Before you could react to what was about to happen, Wonwoo went down on one knee and pulled out a lovely and very expensive-looking ring. 

“Hi.” He laughed with an airy sound.

“H-hi.” You responded, already feeling the urge to cry. 

“So, um, you probably have already figured out what I’m about to do. So, let me just say one thing: thank you. Thank you for coming into my life twice, thank you for always being a reason for me to smile. Thank you for teaching me about life and stars. Thank you for being my light.

“I was lonely, once. I had nobody to fall back on. But, on that night when you told me your thoughts on stars, my entire life changed. And, then I realized something--you’re the light a star gives off. You make things brighter, no matter where you go. Your light has reached me, Y/N.

“I think I knew I was in love with you ever since our first date. You had me absolutely smitten. And I-I just fell. Hard. When I lost you the first time, I was heartbroken. Yet, it’s almost like we’re destined to be together, since we found our way back to each other. 

“So, I ask you this because I went to spend the rest of my life with you. Y/L/N Y/N, will you marry me?”

At this point you were sobbing uncontrollably. You managed to muster a weak “yes”, but your nodding head was what got the memo across. Wonwoo smiled brightly, his eyes twinkling more than the stars up in the sky.

You held your hand out and he slid the ring on your finger, your heart racing when he touched you, just like the first time. 

“I-I love y-you.” You managed to muster, still crying tears of absolute blissful joy.

“I love you too.”

-

Despite not having financial troubles, the two of you settled for a small and inexpensive wedding. You barely remember anything before the wedding that day because you were so damn nervous. However, you remembered the ceremony just fine.

Your dress was an elegant, typical white wedding dress. Your veil flowed in a lovely manner, and your dress hugged your body just right. 

You were 28 years old at the time, and it was an odd feeling to look back on your life before you met Wonwoo. You never wanted to get married, you simply had no interest in romance. Yet, teenage Wonwoo had swept you off your feet that one January evening, and the rest was very complicated history.

The wedding music began to play, and you were just outside the entrance that led to where the love of your life stood. The only thing that was in your way was the walk to him, which was much scarier than people played it out to be. You took in a shaky deep breath and showed your face. 

Every head in the hall turned towards you. Your father walked you down with joyful tears in his eyes. It would’ve been amazing if your mother could have made it, but you knew she was watching down on you.

You knew she was proud of you.

After the long walk, you walked up the velvet-covered steps to where Jeon Wonwoo stood. He looked dashing in his standard black-and-white tuxedo. He thought you looked absolutely gorgeous, and he had to contain himself from crying.

Soon, the priest had started his speech. You tuned most of it out and just lovingly stared into Wonwoo’s eyes.

You mouthed I love you and he mouthed love you too. And soon, Wonwoo’s lips were on yours the moment after the priest had said he could kiss you, and you were filled with nothing but pure happiness.

-

A year had passed just like that. Both of you were very successful in your careers, but you still made time for one another. 

That changed after your first wedding anniversary. Wonwoo had become busier and busier, to the point where he was stressed beyond belief. He would go to bed later than you and be out of the bed before you woke up. 

“I’m working with a really famous actor,” He would say, “I’m just a bit stressed.”

Suddenly, the mood around the house was solemn and dreadful. You couldn’t remember the last time Wonwoo had told you he loved you, and vice versa.

Wonwoo was coming home late, yet he always had time to update his social media and hang out with his friends. You thought he was just deliberately choosing to not spend his free time with you.

What had happened?

Your initial reaction was self-indulgent. It must have had something to do with you--it was your fault somehow. Yet, when you’d try to get him to go on dates with you just like you used to, he would decline and use the excuse “I’m just so tired”. 

You felt used. You were suffering in silence, and no matter how hard you tried to mend your relationship, Wonwoo put in no effort.

One night, you purposely stayed up later so you’d catch Wonwoo before you went to bed. You sat on the couch mindlessly watching TV, waiting for your husband to come home.

When he did, his eyes were bloodshot and his entire demeanor screamed “stress”. You immediately grew timid at the sight of him.

“Hey, Wonwoo.” You greeted when he took his shoes off and hung up his coat. He gave you a weak smile and walked right by you.

You had felt useless; it was almost as if Wonwoo didn’t need you anymore.

What if he had ran out of love for you? The sheer thought made you sick to your stomach. Despite his cold and distant attitude, you were still madly in love with Wonwoo, to the point where it hurt. Your love had felt unrequited all of a sudden, and you didn’t know what to do with yourself, or with him.

“Wonwoo.” You called out, but he kept walking. He must’ve not heard you.

“Wonwoo.” You called out again, this time a bit louder. He stopped dead in his tracks and swiftly turned around. He glared at you with nothing but pure ice in his eyes, and you knew you had fucked up.

“For fuck’s sake, what? Can’t you see I’m a bit stressed here? I would really fucking appreciate it if you weren’t so god damn incessant.”

You pursed your lips together and shut your eyes tightly. You didn’t want him to see you cry (since he was already so stressed), but you just couldn’t hold back the onslaught of tears. His icy words had sliced you open like a sword. You hissed at the unbearable pain you were feeling. 

Wonwoo’s expression immediately softened. He ran over to you, but you held a hand as a signal for him to stop when he came near you. You couldn’t live like this anymore.

“I’m done.” You lamented, running past him to go to your room. He followed you like a lost puppy, whimpering empty apologies. You had grabbed a suitcase and went to your dresser, packing everything you owned up in a dramatic and emotional fashion.

“Please, Y/N, don’t leave me. Please…” Wonwoo sobbed, realizing his grave mistakes.

“I’m just gonna go stay at my Dad’s for a bit, okay? So you can figure out whatever the hell you need to, without hurting me.” You hissed. Wonwoo repeatedly shook his head, begging for you to stay. None of this felt real--the absolute pain you were feeling made you crumble. You felt pathetic, like the pain you were experiencing was unprecedented. Like you should give in to Wonwoo and apologize for standing your ground.

Despite the days you’d spent in agony due to this man, there was no denying that you were still madly in love with him. You didn’t want to give up on him, but he left you no choice.

You had to respect yourself.

Once you had finished packing enough clothes that would last you a week, you trudged to the front door, suitcase in hand. Wonwoo followed you pathetically.

You were just about to walk out the door without saying a word, but your heart took over your head for just about a millisecond.

“I’ll call you when I’m ready.”

Then you shut the door behind you, and all Wonwoo could hear was your car driving away and his heart breaking.

-

A week had passed since you had temporarily moved in with your father. You lay in bed after work that night, staring at the ceiling. Your eyes were red and puffy from crying, like they had been the past week. 

You turned over to face your nightstand, where a picture of you and Wonwoo at the fair stood in a frame. That was the day of your first kiss.

You remembered that day like it was yesterday, since it was the day you had learned the both of you trusted each other. Things back then were so new and exciting. What had changed?

Were you really going to give up on Wonwoo? Is that what was truly best for you?

No, it wasn’t. Your heart started to beat rapidly, and then you jumped up out of bed and put an old pair of sneakers on. You then ran to your car, hopping in the driver’s seat.

Shit, it was low on gas. 

Your dad was out for the night, so he took his car with him. You murmured a string of curses and then called a taxi. You waited impatiently for the car to arrive, your leg bouncing with nerves that made you want to hunch over and vomit.

The taxi finally arrived after what seemed like forever. You ran into the car and frantically told the poor driver the address of your home, the one you shared with Wonwoo. The love of your life.

He finally pulled up to your house, and you gave him a wad of cash that was way too much, and you ordered him to “keep the change”.

You then ran up to the front door, your hands shaking while you tried to input the key to unlock the door. Before you could succeed, Wonwoo opened the door. 

His gaze could’ve drilled a hole in your head. You then began to smile, and you jumped into his arms. He immediately hugged you back.

“Let’s make this work, okay?” You sighed, your face snuggled against his chest. 

“Yes, of course.”

You finally pulled apart after about two minutes of just holding each other. The two of you had sat down on your couch, which was promptly placed against the wall. You looked Wonwoo in the eye and swallowed a lump in your throat.

“What’s going on? What made you so stressed?”

Wonwoo took in a sharp breath.

“You know that film I was working on?”

You nodded.

“Well, it almost got cut. The company suddenly hated the idea and the script, and I would’ve lost a shit ton of money it if got cut. I had personally invested in that film, and not to mention, I poured my heart and soul into it. The night we fought, um...they said they were officially gonna cut it. I didn’t have the heart to tell you because I thought you’d be disappointed in me. I was being so selfish I didn’t even see the emotional toll I was taking on you.

“But, while you were gone, I managed to convince my company to take up the movie again. And that just left me some time to wallow in my own guilt and self-hatred.”

You shut your eyes and took a deep breath. 

“Please, Wonwoo, tell me everything. I deserve to know…”

Wonwoo nodded as his eyes started to fill with tears. 

“I love you, Y/N.” 

You gave him a weak smile.

“I love you too, Wonwoo.”

The love you both had for each other was brighter than any star in the sky. You had refused to let the star you both shared burn out.

You knew that you and Wonwoo were meant to be in each other’s lives. The challenges life threw at you led you to one another.

You looked up and met Wonwoo’s passionate gaze. Your light had reached him, and his light had reached you--that was that. Yet, when the time comes for your star to burn out, there is no denying the fact that you had cast light on each other’s lives. 

There is no denying the love you had both shared.

[fineliines]

okay so before things get misconstrued, i have seen the post @pocmuzings posted and i have quite a lot to say at least to explain my side of the story. you guys can make the choice to believe me or not but everything on this post is the truth on my end. this is very long and i hope everyone takes the time to read it but it’s just a warning this is long.

first and foremost, you need to understand that i have never once in my entire life said the n word. i grew up in a household where i always knew the weight of that word and it’s heavy connotations my entire life; my mom, grandma and cousins always used the word despite being spanish because they were very racist and stereotyped the black community. i knew of that, i was young when they used the word (probably around elementary school age) and never spoke up because i was a child. however, i’ve always known it’s not the right word to say or is it my place to say it as a non-black poc. i’m unsure if the person sending the anon meant to say i was using the word or if it was my friend at the time in the post but i have never EVER said that word. i would never use that word, i’m not ignorant on it and have always known what it’s implications were.

secondly, the problematic friend in question was someone i knew in my real life. we went to high school together, we met through a mutual friend who looking back on it, that mutual friend sexually assaulted me at one point and BECAUSE of that incident and numerous other things that happened in that small friend group, i pulled away and found solace in this person. his name was cameron, he’s no longer in the rpc so i really don’t care about putting his name out there to help keep track while i write this out. to give more background on this, cameron wasn’t the kind of person i could simply “get rid of” like i could have if he’d been someone i met online. like i said, we went to high school together, we lived in the same town, we became INSEPERABLE-- i vacationed with him and his family on MULTIPLE occasions. my mom and his mom became friends, we spent holidays together, etc. this wasn’t someone i could write off. we met when i was around 15 years old and he was 17 and we stayed friends from me being 15 to around the age of me being 21... in fact, i believe our last outing together was my 21st birthday but that’s irrelevant. i am now 24. throughout the time that we were best friends, however, i got him into rping and we were in the rpc together for an extended period of time. cameron has always been extremely problematic and this was something i didn’t necessarily become aware of until later on in our friendship. we started rping together in american horror story roleplays which is where i first started and in general, those rp’s were very very problematic and dark; it was a completely different time in the rpc compared to now and i am 100% aware of that. 

cameron became notorious for causing drama wherever he went. in the ahs rp we were in, something happened between my character and someone else’s, anon hate was sent to the gossip blog or w/e about my character and it got to the point where i, myself, was being told to kill myself through anon hate because of whatever ship drama was happening. i was 15 years old and people on the internet were telling me to kill myself. cameron stepped in, defended me in the only way he knew how, started drama with the admins for not doing anything to stop the stuff being sent to me or help me and we got kicked out of the group as the solution to their problem. from that moment on, cameron simply never stopped causing problems and i often found myself getting dragged into things with him because we were friends and i stuck up for him because he usually stuck up for me. at some point as i got a little older, maybe 17/18, i can’t remember, me and him joined this subplot rp that this person who sent in the anon was running. yes, cameron and i became friends with the person, she was the admin, things were fine for a while and eventually, things in the group started getting slow so cameron wanted to leave and me, being the person i was at the time, followed him because he was my best friend. i remained somewhat friends with the anon but i always felt like things were strained between us BECAUSE cameron was always up to something; whether it was causing problems in the anon’s various groups she joined or simply leaving because he got bored or just being a general bully, befriending people and manipulating them and being ugly and problematic and racist. i can’t remember the anon ever talking to me about being uncomfortable with his actions because it was years ago and i’ll admit that at the time, it wasn’t important to me because i thought things were fine because her problems with cameron weren’t ever explicitly told TO me. i will admit that from the ages of 15-18, whenever cameron started drama or was problematic or did shitty things, i blindly followed him and never spoke up. i didn’t speak up because i felt like he helped me and defended me and PROTECTED me from my assaulter in real life and all the anon hate i got from this group that i owed him my loyalty. again, please keep in mind, i’ve been friends with him since we were both in high school, he wasn’t someone i could simply write off or get rid of at the time.

i started realizing he wasn’t a good person when i got a little older. i decided to open up a group that was based off college kids and it was based off the college i currently attend, ucf--- genuinely i don’t remember the url of the group but @wonclerland was in it with me because we were friends. cameron joined, obviously and at the time that i was admining, he didn’t do much. people joined who i’d met through a previous rp and to be honest, that group of people and i were 100% a really stupid clique of mean people. they were really mean and petty and ugly and i never said anything to them or about what they said because i wanted to fit in and again, i admit to that. some girl joined the group who went by the name athena or it was her alias, i don’t really know but apparently, she had beef with that group of people who joined and they claimed she was racist but could never properly pull up proof to show me or whatever. as an admin, i was caught in the middle trying to hear every side of the story. cameron befriended athena and all hell broke loose.  i ended up going to playlist live for a day and mistakenly, i had asked one of the people in the little clique of mine to run the main while i was gone for the day. in the span of the 8 hours i was gone, the clique had posted athena’s unfollow despite her not wanting to quit and blah blah blah. i shut down the group because i didn’t know what to do and it make me anxious and stressed. cameron and athena formed a group of friends FROM that group and started to go on the girl who posted the unfollow’s instagram and comment hateful, bodyshaming things. they went as far as editing a picture of the girl on photoshop to look like shrek. i saw this all unfold and realized what kind of person cameron was and decided to TRY to sever ties with him. multiple times after this, i attempted to call him out on his ugly behavior on the tail end of our friendship. we would get into really violent fights in person and he’d come to target where i worked at the time to scream at me and yell at me in person. i called him out for being racist and problematic and using the n word- in return, he took down an entire roleplay we worked on together because he made all the graphics and left the page empty and blank while i was at work and couldn’t do anything about it. him and his boyfriend would call me names, made fun of me when i confided in them and came out as bisexual and told me i was just looking for attention and many other fucking instances where i was made to feel like shit. every time i called him out about stuff he did or said at all, i had to deal with abuse from in person and because i didn’t know how to approach the situation or deal with it, i let him get away with treating other people in the rpc like trash.

cameron and i grew apart after he quit the rpc. he ran out of aliases to use to destroy groups and i was working on actively trying to get out of the wake of destruction him and the friend group that yes, i followed around, left behind. i put forth the effort to work on learning about racism more in depth, i went to therapy to deal with the assaults and stuff i was going through and i used writing to cope with it and found a solid group of people that were actually decent. i admit that i was part of the problem by not saying anything to cameron, i was terrified of him and losing the only friend i had in my real life at the time. i know what he did hurt a lot of people in the rpc, including now the anon, and i realize that my silence until much later was not of any help at all. my activism now isn’t performative--- i’ve tried so hard over the last few years to learn and educate myself on the blm movement and i’m still learning every day. my intentions and heart have never been malicious and i deeply apologize to you, oksi, if you read this because i know it’s you that sent that anon. i’m sorry that my silence and lack of maturity and balls to confront cameron hurt you and i’m sorry for being a part of the problem. i’m sorry to whoever knew me back then and saw the people i surrounded myself with and that i was so focused on fitting in and belonging to a group (even a really fucking shitty one) stop me from speaking up when it mattered the most. i wish that this had been addressed to me privately so i could’ve talked to her and heard her side of the story but i understand that she probably felt uncomfortable and unsafe given our past and who she used to associate me with. i do not and will not ever stand for racism, i’m working every single fucking day to learn and spread resources and educate myself and to not overstep my boundaries or talk over the black community because it’s NOT my place. i can’t speak for the other person mentioned in this post and i hope she comes forward if she feels inclined to and tell her side of the story but this is mine. holding myself accountable for being a part of the problem. 

i’m sorry if any of this upset anyone and if this means i’m going to lose friendships or mutuals over this. i understand and it’s fine. i’m not looking to victimize myself at all and i’m admitting to the fact that i was complacent and silent and i’m really sorry. i’m not like that anymore and i’m always one of the first people to call horrible shit out, probably too much because i spent so much time NOT saying anything out of fear. and if you read any of this, thank you? i don’t know what this is going to do but i hope it helps shed light on my side of the story. again, oksi, i’m really fucking sorry- you don’t have to forgive me at all and i don’t expect you to but i hope you’ll at least hear this out and try to understand i’ve changed and i actively try every single day to be better than i used to be. thank you and sorry again.

[justheretobreakthings]

Welcome to the Family - Chapter 7

(Previous Chapter)

Word Count: 2,408 (Total Word Count: 17,418) Read on AO3

Story Summary: Lance had been excited about his family taking in a foster kid, eager to get to meet his brand new little brother or sister, who would surely adore and idolize their super cool Big Brother Lance. What he got instead was a sullen, quiet, temperamental teenage housemate with a criminal record and a disastrous haircut.

Lance missed elementary school. Back in those days, the first day of the school year was fun. Not just because he and his classmates were not yet jaded toward the concept of school, but because the day was actually designed that way. The learning didn’t start until day two at the earliest; the first day was dedicated to icebreakers and exploring the classroom and the teacher pulling out every trick in the book to convince the students that this year was going to be this much fun every single day.

Now, though, the only way the first day of classes differed from the rest was that teachers took longer to take attendance and passed out the class syllabus before diving into textbook reading and PowerPoint presentations. Which meant that Lance had jumped straight from the relaxation of summer vacation to hours of biology, sociology, and the first half of his American literature class before the bell mercifully put it on pause for a half-hour lunch break.

“Lance,” Pidge cut him off in the middle of his groaning as he stood behind her in the cafeteria line. “For fuck’s sake, can’t we go one school year where you don’t do this?”

“No,” Lance said. “Pidge, I’m tiiiiiired.” He slumped down and rested his forehead on Pidge’s shoulder. “How many days left in the school year?”

“A hundred seventy-nine and a half,” Pidge answered, shrugging him off of her shoulder. “Get used to it.”

Lance groaned as he grabbed a tray and started down the serving line. At least the school served burgers and tater tots on the first day. They were fairly crappy burgers and tots, sure, but compared to many of the other cafeteria offerings throughout the year, they were pretty high up on his list of favorite school meals. “They could at least do a better job of, like, easing us in to school life,” he said as he picked up a paper-wrapped cheeseburger. “Maybe have a naptime for the first week, or start the first day at noon.”

“If it were up to you, every day of school would last half an hour and consist of four meal breaks.”

“Which is exactly why I should be in charge,” Lance said. He picked out a bottle of lemonade from the drink cooler and paused their conversation to let the cafeteria lady at the register punch in his purchases and give him the go-ahead. Once that was finished, he stood on tiptoes to look back at the rest of the line. “You seen Keith? He came out of class the same time we did, right?”

“Think so, yeah,” Pidge said. Her eyes were scanning the tables set up throughout the rest of the cafeteria. They always sat with Hunk, and he was always the first to the table, since he brought his lunch from home and didn’t have to wait in line with everyone else. One of the perks of his family owning a restaurant. “We could just sit down and wait for - oh, hey!” She nudged Lance with her elbow. “Looks like he’s already with Hunk!”

She pointed, and Lance looked to see Keith seated at a table, his back to them but his mullet unmistakeable. Hunk was sitting across from him, his meal spread out before him, and looked to be deep in conversation with Keith. “How the hell did he beat us here?” Lance asked. “Could swear we left the classroom before he did.”

“I dunno, maybe he walks faster?” Pidge said with a shrug, already starting toward the table. “Come on, my legs are tired.”

“Your legs are always tired,” Lance grunted, following after her.

Pidge reached the table first, sliding onto the bench next to Hunk and immediately turning her gaze to the contents of his lunch. “No,” Hunk said firmly to her as Lance settled in across from them.

“What?” Pidge looked up at him. “I didn’t even - ”

“You were about to ask for one of my cookies. I already told you this morning, no.”

“You have two of them!” Pidge whined. “You don’t need two cookies! You’re being selfish!”

“Isn’t… that a cookie?” Keith asked softly, pointing to Pidge’s tray.

“Ugh, yeah,” Pidge sighed, glaring down at the shortbread cookie in a little paper dish in the corner of her tray. “But it’s a shitty cafeteria cookie. Hunk gets homemade cookies.”

Hunk unwrapped the plastic wrap on one of the aforementioned cookies and popped a bite into his mouth. “If you want homemade cookies, make some at home.”

Pidge made a swipe for the cookie in Hunk’s hand, but Hunk easily avoided it, leaning back and taking another bite, topping it all off with exaggerated chewing sounds. Lance laughed and returned his attention to his own food. As he unwrapped his burger, he couldn’t help but notice that his was the only tray on this side of the table. He turned toward Keith with a raised brow. Keith had set his stack of books and supplies on the table in front of him, but there was no lunch in sight. Frowning, Lance tapped the table in front of Keith. “Hey,” he said. “What’s up with you?”

Keith just blinked at him.

Lance gestured to the small stack of books as he took a bite and asked through a mouthful of cheeseburger, “You planning on eating your notebooks or something?”

Keith wrinkled his brow. “What?”

“Why didn’t you get your lunch?”

“Oh.” Keith shrugged. “I’m saving mine for later.”

Lance swallowed and tilted his head. “Dude, what are you talking about? They’re not going to save your food for later; we only get the one lunch break.”

Keith huffed out a breath. “I didn’t mean later today, I meant I’m going to save my lunches for when I’m really hungry.”

The tone of his voice suggested that he thought this was blatantly obvious, but Lance was only growing more confused with every answer Keith gave. “Uh, dude, you lost me. School lunches aren’t exactly a rare commodity that you gotta ration out.”

Keith rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “Look, your mom wrote out a check for my lunch account when we came in on Friday.” Lance nodded slowly. “The check was for a hundred dollars. A cafeteria lunch here costs two-fifty. That’s forty lunches.”

“Yeah…?”

“And with a hundred and eighty days in the school year, that’s about one lunch a week. I don’t know if I’ll be here the whole year, but just in case, I’m going to save them for when I actually need them. It’s pretty basic math, Lance.”

It took Lance a moment to realize his mouth had fallen open in his surprise. The rest of the table had gone quiet too, Pidge and Hunk staring at Keith just as openly, just as taken aback. A few seconds passed, during which Keith’s face fell to a confused frown at their reactions, before Lance found his voice again and said, “Uh, Keith, you - you do know that’s not a check for the whole school year, right?” Keith just stared at him. “It’s, um, it’s for the first couple of months, and then once your account’s running low, Mamá will just write a new check to refill it. You don’t need to save your meals.”

Keith blinked before his eyes darted over toward Pidge and Hunk as if looking for confirmation. Hunk nodded, and Keith’s shoulders slumped sheepishly as he let out a quiet, “Oh.”

“You didn’t seriously think Mamá was only letting you have one lunch a week, did you?” Lance said. When Keith didn’t reply, Lance let out a little indignant squeak. “Oh my god, you did! What the fuck, what kind of person do you think my mother is?!”

Keith’s brows slanted downward into a scowl. “It wasn’t an insult to your mother or anything, I just - ”

“You just were going to skip lunch four days a week? What the hell, dude?”

“Lance,” Hunk said, a hint of warning in his voice. “Let it go, it’s a misunderstanding.”

“Yeah, but who misunderstands lunch money that badly? How the hell is this a new concept to you?!”

“It’s not a ‘new concept’ I - I - ” With a growl, Keith shot to his feet, pushing back the bench he and Lance were sitting on with a loud squeak that turned a few heads from the next table over; Lance had to grab onto the edge of the table to keep from being thrown from his fine. “I’m getting my damn lunch,” Keith muttered before turning away and stomping off.

Silence rang over the table as the three remaining sat staring at Keith’s retreating back, then Lance spun back around to the others. “Okay, that was weird, right? You can’t tell me that wasn’t weird.”

“Well, it was, uh… yeah, weird,” Hunk sighed. “Still, did you need to go off on him like that?”

“I didn’t go off on him, I just - I didn’t like what he was implying about Mamá, that’s all. Like, geez, I know he’s not crazy about living with us, I’m over it, but at least give us some credit! She feeds us like a grandma on Thanksgiving. Why the hell would he think he’s not allowed to have lunch?”

“I mean, like I said, seemed like just a misunderstanding.”

“Yeah, but - Pidge, would you cool it with that slurping?!” he snapped.

Pidge, who had been loudly sipping her milk, lowered the carton, face pensive. “I wasn’t slurping,” she said. “I was thinking.”

“Think with a straw like the rest of us.”

“Thinking about what, Pidge?” Hunk asked as Pidge stuck her tongue out at Lance.

“Just, well…” She tapped her finger against her tray. “You know, there’s probably a - ” She stopped, straightening suddenly and whipping around in her seat, as a scrunched-up straw wrapper fell from her hair and onto the table. “You ass!” she called, and Lance leaned around to see the face of Pidge’s brother, grinning at her from two tables down and waggling his fingers in a wave, his other hand holding at the ready, what looked to be a crumpled bit of napkin already loaded into the end.

“I’m just saying hi!” Matt called back.

Pidge scowled and scooped up the wrapper. “You even think about doing that again and that straw’s going right up your - ”

“Pidge, there’s teachers,” Hunk said, nudging her.

Pidge slumped, her scowl deepening, and with a laugh Matt got up from his table and moved to theirs. “By the way, my dear pigeon,” he said as he slid onto their bench. “My Switch seems to have vanished from my backpack this morning. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”

“Not a thing,” Pidge answered with a shrug.

“No kidding. So if I were to check your bag right now - ?”

“I’d sue you for searching without a warrant,” Pidge replied. “Besides, no video games at school, Matthew. Stop setting a bad example for me.”

“Hey, Matt,” Hunk said, reaching over to tap his arm. “There a date set for the first club meeting yet?”

“Got physics with Mr. Slav tomorrow, we’ll sort it out then,” Matt said. “Ooh, yeah, speaking of, guess this means you gotta be extra nice to me now, huh, Pidge? Don’t wanna piss off the president and get kicked out of the club.”

Pidge scoffed. “Like I’m not gonna program the robots to turn on you at the first sign you’re abusing your power. Oh, by the by, was talking to Ina in chemistry, she said she’s about convinced one of her friends to join, so we’ve got another underclassman for the team.”

“Which friend?” Hunk asked.

“James. And if we can get Lance on board - ”

“Absolutely not,” said Lance. “Also, just so you know, having James on board is making me even less likely to wanna join than ever.”

“Still pissed he ratted on you for cheating on that test last year?” Pidge asked with a raised brow.

“For the last time, I wasn’t cheating, I was just noticing his weird penmanship.”

“Uh-huh. Well, we’ve still got a chance with convincing Keith, I guess.”

“Oh, he that new foster brother of yours?” Matt asked. Lance nodded. “Cool. He around? I’d love to meet him. Ooh, you know, Shiro would probably be real interested too. Want me to - ”

“I wouldn’t try being too social with him,” Lance said. “He’s in a mood.”

“Correction: Lance put him in a mood,” said Pidge.

“Come on, all I did was ask - ” Lance cut himself off with a small jump in his seat as a tray slammed down onto the table next to him. He turned to see Keith sliding back into his seat, glowering down at his burger as he unwrapped it. “Well.” He cleared his throat. “Look who’s back.”

Matt grinned and leaned across the table toward Keith. “Hey,” he said. “So you’re Keith, huh?”

Keith glanced up, his eyes narrowed at him. “Yeah…” he said slowly. “What about it?”

“Just asking. Good to put a face to the name. I’m Matt, Pidge’s superior prequel.”

“Um,” Keith said, raising a brow.

“Pidge ever mention me yet?”

“I never mention you to anyone,” Pidge said. “I only tell people about things that are actually interesting.”

“You suck,” Matt said, ruffling her hair. “Don’t let her gremlin exterior fool you, Keith, she’s a teeny tiny little teddy bear under all that snark.” Keith said nothing, just stared at him. “Well, it was nice to meet you, man.”

“... Yeah,” said Keith.

“Real fireball, this guy is, huh?” Matt said, snatching two of Pidge’s tater tots before hopping up and heading back to his table.

Pidge huffed and slid the rest of her tater tots closer to herself. “He’s the worst,” she said, “But you learn to tune him out.” Even in the insults, a hint of fondness could be heard weaving through.

Hunk laughed lightly. “Makes you count yourself lucky you got stuck with Lance here as a brother instead, huh, Keith?”

Keith’s eyes darted Lance’s way before he softly muttered, “Uh-huh,” and returned his attention to his burger.

With an ‘I tried’ shrug toward Lance, Hunk went back to his own lunch, and Lance watched as Keith ate, his glare never wavering. Didn’t look like his mood would be dissipating any time soon.

Lance sighed as he resumed eating his own burger. Seemed he had a semester of very long lunches to look forward to.

[ghostburs-blue]

Lost and Found

Part One

Aiden placed the heavy box of books in her room with a huff, then collapsed onto her bed. She sat up and looked around her new room, taking it all in. This would be where she was going to live for the rest of her teenage life. Aiden had just moved from practically the middle of nowhere and wasn’t at all ready to start a new life in the city. To say she was scared was an understatement.

To be clear, Aiden never had any trouble making friends. However, she never exactly had to either. This was the first time she and her family had moved, and it just so happened to be across the country in one of the busiest and most populated areas in the nation; Queens, New York. Her mother had gotten an amazing job offer here that would pay through the roof, and it definitely showed in their apartment. Somehow, Aiden had gotten into one of the top STEM high schools - Midtown High School of Science and Technology. For as long as she could remember, she had always had two passions in life. Aiden loved everything technology related, whether it be circuits or coding, and working out! It was an odd combination, but it worked for her.

Aiden had set up a little punching bag hanging from the ceiling in her room. Her room was huge compared to the tiny townhouse that she used to live in with her family. Already, she loved their new apartment, yet couldn’t help but miss the coziness of their small 2 bedroom home. She missed her friends, the family that she had left behind, the city itself, pretty much everything. Aiden had always loved the sunshine and clear weather, birds flying about and trees everywhere. Sighing, she dragged herself to the window, half expecting to see a park full of trees outside the glass like she used to, full of kids playing and people simply strolling about. Instead, she was met with a rather gloomy view. The sky was overcast and dreary, with nothing but concrete buildings and skyscrapers as far as the eye could see.

“Addy! Come help us unpack the boxes for the kitchen!” Aiden heard her father call from the front of the apartment. Groaning, she trudged up the hallway to see the rest of her family standing expectantly, looking at her.

Aiden rolled her eyes. “I’m here, I’m here, sorry!” she exclaimed, then rushed to help them unpack.

They were almost done when they heard a gentle knock at the door. Aiden was glad for an excuse to get up; her body was extremely stiff and sore from the long flight and having to carry so many boxes.

Looking down at herself, she deemed her outfit acceptable; Aiden wore simple grey leggings and a loose knitted sweater. She plastered what she hoped to be a believable smile on her face and swung open the door, only to be met with an unexpected sight.

--

a/n - what’s up! Sorry for the short chapter but I just wanted to introduce Aiden’s character and her background. Peter’s coming, don't worry ;)! Also please excuse my shitty writing, I haven’t exactly written a story since like elementary school please bear with me! I would say it gets better but honestly, I’m not sure haha whoops <3

[lovemesomesurveys]

What is the wallpaper on your computer screen? Why did you choose it? A gorgeous b&w photo from a photoshoot Alexander Skarsgard did. I chose it because it’s him and he’s gorgeous, duh.  Is there a pattern on the pants you’re currently wearing? Which one? Nope, they’re just plain black leggings. Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? I didn’t mind the few I’ve been to. I liked playing the games. Who is the person you text the most in your life? What relation are you? My mom or brother. Mexican food, Chinese food, Italian food, French food or American food? I like some foods from each of those.

Has there ever been a time in your life, you felt sexually undecided? No. Does your mother annoy you when the holidays come along in the year? No. What is the color scheme of your absolute favorite fast-food restaurant? I don’t have a favorite fast food anymore, honestly. I’m not big on it like I used to be. Do you think tattoos and piercings are sexy on the opposite sex? I don’t mind some tattoos or a couple piercings, but I’m not super into them. Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? No, I’m the short one who needs to ask others for help. Do your siblings bring people around that your parents don’t approve of? No. Is there carpet or hardwood floor in your bedroom? Carpet. Do you check the texture of things first or the smell of them? Depends on what it is. Certain things I might do both. Have you ever broken the arm or head off of a trophy? How did you do this? No. Do you believe in superstitious things such as breaking a mirror? Nah.  Do you get sick of people who call themselves bi polar all the time? I don’t like when people just throw that and OCD around. Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? What was it for? I’ve had several done in my life. I used to get my kidneys checked once a year. Do you like those ‘end of the world,’ ‘Armageddon’ movies? No. What color are the headphones you have at this moment in time? Black. Ever been choked severely on something during lunch at your school? This is worded weird, but yes actually. It happened in elementary school, but I still remember it quite vividly. I got a chip stuck in my throat. Do you remember who you sat next to in Kindergarten? Who was it? No. Has anyone ever compared you to an animal? Which one(s)? A monkey because of my long arms. Has anyone, including yourself, forgot it was your own birthday? Not anyone close to me, no.  Chocolate or strawberry birthday cake? Choose one. Strawberry, hands down.  Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? Out of the two, veggies because I do eat spinach oftenish. And potatoes. I haven’t had any fruit in quite a long time. :X Do you abbreviate things way too often? Do you get called out on it? No. I only do “lol”, “lmao”, “wtf”, and “wth.” Ever been in one of those church Christmas plays before? Why/why not? No. What is the funniest conjunction you use throughout your day? I don’t think any of them are funny. Have you ever thrown a roll of toilet paper at someone before? No. Does the dentist calm you or does it tend to stress you out? I have never found the dentist to be calming. I get very bad anxiety when it comes to the dentist. It’s a real fear. If you had to choose, which is the worst movie you’ve ever seen? Hmm. I’ve seen a few shitty movies, hard to choose the worst one. Have you ever found yourself talking to an inanimate object? When they’re not working properly haha. Do you like movies that are originally based on children’s books? Sure. Is your hair more thick or thin? Is it more curly or straight? Thin and wavy. I really wish I could get extensions.  Something on the human body that grosses you out the most: Feet. Do you like meeting new people? What’s your most common greeting? I’m not very outgoing or social.  Ever think of what it would be like to be a mermaid or merman? Nah. If you had to choose, which celebrity would you date out of all of them? Alexander Skarsgard. ;) Do people feel sorry for you for no reason? Have they ever? I’m sure I look quite pitiful. What is something that bothers you about most surveys in general? The repetition of questions. Especially ones about marriage and children. Who would you take with you on a stranded/deserted island? Someone who could help get me off. Do you have your own personal boom box in your bedroom? A boom box, wow. No, I don’t. Haven’t had or used one in several years. Would you survive if zombies were to take over the world? Why or why not? Nope. What would you say is the worst part of high school period? The teenage years are a rough, pivotal time. What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? I don’t care for apples. Ever want to be a doctor? Is it because of all the hospital shows? Noooo. What do you think of all these reality shows that try to alter personality? I’m not sure what kind you’re talking about. Where are your favorite pair of shoes in the whole world right now? My black Adidas with the white stripes. Do you live anywhere near a mall? Yeah, pretty close. Do you like drawing smiley faces or do you think they’re overrated? If I’m randomly doodling, that’s one of the few things I’ll draw. If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? I’d have my loved near me and talk to them. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? No. Do you ever have those ‘ah ha!’ moments? Do those annoy you? Yeah. I don’t think they’re annoying. It’s usually a good thing. Do you hardly ever remember where you put things at? No, I’m good about that. What’s your favorite lunch meat, if you even like any in the first place? Turkey, salami, and bologna.  When is the next time you’ll eat a cupcake, if you know when? I have no idea.  Where did you last buy socks from? What do those socks look like? I forget what the last pair I bought myself was, but I just received a few pairs for Christmas. Do you ever lay in the grass and look up at the sky, just because? Nope. I don’t want to lay or sit on the grass at all. It makes me itchy and there’s bugs. When do you normally go to sleep on the weekends? My sleep schedule is the same regardless of the day. I tend to go to bed around 5AM and wake up around noon. Have you ever met someone with the same ‘biggest fear’ as you? Yes, a few. Do you ever have movie nights with your significant other? I’m single. Would you rather write with a pen or a pencil? Why is this? Pen. Do you like candy bars? Are you trying to slack off of them? Yeah. I haven’t had candy in quite awhile, though. I’m not trying to “slack off of them”, I just haven’t had any.  What is your favorite number? Is it significant with your life? 8. It’s been my favorite since I was a kid. Are you afraid of being kidnapped if you go outside at nighttime? I’d be afraid of being attacked or killed. Has your mother ever called your school because of your grades? No. I always got good grades. In the next twenty minutes, what will you be doing and where will you be? I need to go to bed. It’s after 5AM now. Do you like showers or baths better? Why did you choose your choice? I only take showers. I haven’t taken a bath since I was a kid. Are you a controversial person? Do your views oppose others? No. I keep a lot of my opinions to myself. I mean, yeah I have opposing views. We’re not all going to agree on everything. Have you ever thrown a surprise party for someone? Who for? Nope. What would you say your average word per minute time is on the keyboard? I have no idea. I’m a very fast typer, though.  What is your least favorite class in school? Why is this? It was always math. I was horrible. Do you bite your fingernails or tap them on desks? I always picked at my nails in class. Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? No. Who is your role model or hero in life if you have one? My mom. Do you ever call your cousins just to talk to them randomly? No. I used to text with them or Snapchat or something, but not anymore except for here and there. I’m not close with any of my cousins anymore like I used to be. :( Do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? I never found any of my friends’ parents creepy or mean. Do you ever have to wash your clothes at someone else’s house? No. When is the next time you’ll go to the library? Why is this? I have no idea. I have no reason to. Do you like fiction or non-fiction books more? What’s your favorite? Non-fiction.  Do you constantly have to be told to shut up? By who? No. I’m not a  chatty person, generally. I do have my chatty moods sometimes where I want to tell myself to shut up, though. ha. Do you know how to play pool? Are you any good at it? Nope. Do you treat others as you’d like to be treated? Have you always? I try to. These past few years I haven’t been the most pleasant to around. I get moody, irritable, snippy, pissy, and short with my family and that’s not at all how I want to be. They don’t deserve it. I know I don’t like when people are that way to me. Were you a really mean kid or a sweet and quiet kid? Sweet and quiet. I was the “pleasure to have in class”! Are you someone who likes to get in arguments or fights a lot? Nooo. I avoid it like the plague. How do you make sure people know you don’t like them at all? I don’t have to make a big spectacle about it if I don’t like someone for whatever reason. I can still be polite and civil if I have to interact with them. Would you say you’re someone who likes to cuss a lot? Nope.  Do you keep secrets from your parents that you don’t keep from your friends? I mean, my parents don’t know everything. I tell them a lot, especially my mom, but I also keep a lot to myself. Not just from them, but from everyone.  What is your father’s best friend’s name? Do you know them personally? Donny. Yes, I know him personally. They’ve been friends all my life. If you had to, where would you get a tattoo at? Why? I’ve always thought my inner wrist, but I don’t know now.  How much was the cell phone you have at this moment in time? However much the iPhone XR is. Would you say you hang out with people the majority of your life? I spend quite a lot of my time alone, but I spend a lot of time with my family as well. What would you do if you woke up randomly with purple hair? Uhh that would be quite shocking. I also dye my hair red, so if I woke up and it was purple one day I’d be pretty concerned. Do you ever look in the mirror and name all of your flaws for no reason? I avoid looking in the mirror as much as possible, and when I do I keep it short. If I spend too long that’s exactly what would happen. All my flaws become magnified and intensified and they’re all I see. Are you getting sick of the reality show Survivor? Why? I never watched it, but I’m surprised it’s still on. Do you usually explain to people why you do the things you do? Not usually, no, but with some things I guess. Or at least try to. I don’t even understand why I do what I do. Ever submit a video to America’s Funniest Home Videos? No. I wanted to as a kid. What color is the closest desk to your body? What all is on it? I don’t have a desk in my room. The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had? Any of the surgeries I’ve had. Are you someone who likes to eat Poptarts? What’s your favorite flavor? The strawberry frosted and the brown sugar frosted ones. Ever have a dream you’re being abducted by aliens? Was it scary? No. What would you say is the color of your favorite bra? I only like to wear black ones. Do you like people who are loud or people who are quiet? Quiet, generally. I mean, if they get animated and excited about something and get a little loud that’s fine, but not loud in general. That would give me a headache haha. It’s like, “why are you shouting???” Does personality weigh out the sense of ‘good looks?’ What. When is the next time you’ll see someone who is pregnant? I have no idea. Do you hate it when people copy the things you do? No one copies anything I do, nor should they. Where is your favorite piece of electronic equipment? I’m using it right now while sitting on my bed. Where is the person who ‘owns your heart’ at this moment in time? I’m right here. Has anyone ever told you that you’re good at cooking? Ha, no. I’m not a cook. Would you say you’re a fast texter, or are you pretty slow? I’m a very fast typer on a computer, but not as fast on my phone. What is your favorite flavor of Doritos? What do you drink with them? Nacho or Cool Ranch. I’d drink whatever I had at the time, which would likely be a Starbucks Doubleshot and/or water. I haven’t had Doritos or any kind of chip in a long time, though. Do you have any enemies who you think are dangerous? I don’t have any enemies. Do you ever try to squeeze information out of people? Uhh I might from my mom or brother about certain things cause I can be nosey with them lol, but no not generally. Does it freak you out when the police drive by your house? No. Are you someone who tends to take a whole lot of naps? I don’t take a lot of naps even though I’m always tired. Naps make me groggy and more tired, but sometimes sleep just wins and I give in to a nap. What is your favorite nickname you like to be called? Why do you like it? Sis. Do you already have your outfit for tomorrow planned out? No. I don’t plan my outfits unless I’m going certain places or packing for a vacation. What is the color of your favorite pair of pants? What brand are they? I like my numerous pairs of black leggings, ha. Has your favorite song ever been featured on a commercial? Yeah, a few have. Do you ever promise pc4pc on Myspace then never return the favor? Wow, I remember those days. I was good about keeping my end of the deal. What is one song right now that really gets on your nerves? Hmm. I can’t think of one in particular at the moment.  What would you say was the best year of your life? Why? My childhood. Do those annoying infomercials ever draw you in to buy things? I’ve seen things that were of interest, but nah I’ve never ordered anything from an informercial. I’m always skeptical about anything they try to sell. Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? I don’t drive. I can’t tell you how many speeding jokes I’ve received as someone in a wheelchair throughout my life, though. -____- Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? Nope.

[lets-talk-cartoons]

Hey Arnold - Arnold’s Thanksgiving

I know it has been QUITE a while since I updated, but here I am again, with a brand new Thanksgiving recap! Yes, this time Hey Arnold himself is getting the turkey treatment. 

(Also, it’s surprising how few Nickelodeon cartoons have Thanksgiving episodes - Rugrats, Hey Arnold, and As Told by Ginger are the only ones I think). 

Anyway, the city is preparing for Thanksgiving as Arnold rides his bike past a recreation of the Mayflower ship that is about to set sail. Although this seems like sort of a cool idea, it also seems like a bad idea. Did they retro-fit an existing ship, or did they somehow build a Mayflower ship from scratch? 

Arnold can’t stick around though, because he’s late for his class’ Thanksgiving Pageant Play. 

Elementary school Thanksgiving plays seem to be a huge deal in cartoons and TV shows, but I don’t remember ever having to do anything like that. The closest thing we did was color in some cornucopias and read books about turkeys that ran away from farms or whatever. 

Mr. Simmons seems to have penned this particular play himself, and this dude seriously needs to chill. Like he’s having fourth graders perform it, what was he expecting, Fiddler on the Roof? Not to mention the dialogue is so maudlin and sweet it just makes you want to barf. Mr. Simmons should definitely keep to teaching and stay away from play authorship. (Although when the kids are freaking out during scene changes he keeps shouting “STAY FROSTY!” and I found that hilarious). 

The play is a collection of scenes about the history of Thanksgiving (go figure) that start at the first Thanksgiving and goes all the way up to a 1950′s Thanksgiving, where Helga and Arnold are given the parts of Son and Daughter. I was surprised to see that Helga actually seemed to be pretty on board with the role of a traditional 1950′s woman, something I would think she would rebel against, but my theory is that she feels she has never had a real Thanksgiving, and so gets to pretend at having one here. 

The play ends, Mr. Simmons sheds a tear (Dude. Come on. Get a grip.) And the kids are released for their Thanksgiving holiday. 

Everyone’s excited to celebrate Thanksgiving except for Arnold and Helga. Arnold because his grandma always thinks it’s the 4th of July and they have to celebrate accordingly, and Helga because her mom is always a drunken mess and burns the stuffing, Big Bob sits in front of the TV and ignores her, and she is constantly compared to her “perfect” older sister Olga. 

I do see where Arnold is coming from about not wanting to celebrate the 4th of July on the roof in the middle of November, but I feel like Helga gets the more raw deal here, because at least Arnold is still surrounded by his loving (if very weird) family. 

Thanksgiving Day arrives at the Boarding House and Grandpa Phil starts delegating out roles such as grilling the hot dogs, putting up red white and blue flags, etc. Arnold suggests that maybe this year they should have a real Thanksgiving and everyone is like LOL Arnold you fool, obviously your grandma is confused and we must go along with her every year. 

You know, even though Arnold is annoyed by it, I think it’s kind of sweet that the Boarding House just generally goes along with Pookie, as she clearly has some kind of dementia. They could try to force her to celebrate Thanksgiving like “normal”, but that would make her unhappy, so they just go along with her 4th of July thing. Arnold ain’t having it this year though, so he GTFO’s in hopes of finding a real Thanksgiving somewhere. 

Over at Helga’s house, Miriam is super hung over - I mean, uh, “tired” - and overcooked the stuffing again.  Hegla enthusiastically tells her dad happy Thanksgiving and shows him the centerpiece she made, but he’s more interested in his football. Aw. That hurt my heart a little bit. 

It looks like Miriam is about to burn down the entire house. Luckily super-woman Olga is there to take over the cooking and make a beautiful feast - except she ropes in the whole family to help her. You know, I don’t understand why everyone is so against helping Olga make dinner? Like they wanna eat, right? Do they just expect her to do everything by herself? I swear I could write a whole essay just on the family dynamic of the Patakis. 

Helga goes along with it for a bit, but when it comes time to say what she’s thankful for at the dinner table, she’s had enough and says she’s thankful for nothing in her stupid family. Big Bob tries to send her to her room, but she hits the mean city streets in hopes of finding something better instead. 

Helga and Arnold run into each other, and since they both are having shitty Thanksgivings, decide to hang out together. Arnold says they should try to be optimistic, but Helga isn’t having that either. They decide they should go see what Mr. Simmons’ Thanksgiving is like, because the Thanksgiving he wrote about for the play was so perfect. 

I get where they’re going with this and all, but if I was a teacher and two of my students showed up at my door, I’d be a little weirded out. 

Mr. Simmons isn’t weirded out though - he’s happy to see Arnold and Helga and doesn’t question why the hell they’re there or if he should call their damn parents. He brings them into his dining room to introduce them to everybody, and it turns out he named the characters in the play after his own family. Except, instead of being perfect 1950′s-esque people, Mr. Simmons’ family is the absolute worse. They’re depressing, rude, and selfish. 

Also this is where we meet Mr. Simmons’ “friend”, who based on cues and the fact Mr. Simmons is coded as gay, this is probably Mr. Simmons’ boyfriend. Which would explain why Mother Simmons is so hostile to him.  

The abject awfulness of the Simmons family makes Arnold and Helga a little uncomfortable and they adjourn to the kitchen to discuss it. Mr. Simmons overhears, and lets them know that even though his family is difficult, he loves them, and that’s why he makes an effort to bring them together every year, because he’s thankful they’re in his life. 

This flips a switch in the kids’ brains and they decide if Mr. Simmons can deal with those whackos, they can deal with their own families, and they head back home. 

When Helga gets home, she finds her family in a rampant craze, calling the police and making flyers in order to find her. This touches her enough that she is able to forgive them, and shares a group hug with her family. Aw. 

Arnold returns to Grandpa Phil apparantly freezing on the roof, and everything deserted. When he asks what’s going on, Phil said everything descended into chaos after Arnold left, and when they heard he was looking for a “real” Thanksgiving, they all decided to throw him a surprise party, with all the traditional Thanksgiving food (plus fireworks). Awww. 

And that is Arnold’s Thanksgiving. 

THOUGHTS: This is a great Thanksgiving special. Whereas a lot of specials focus on teaching kids the lesson of being thankful for what you have, Arnold’s Thanksgiving shows that nobody really has a “perfect” Thanksgiving, and everyone’s family is just as weird as yours. (Of course they’re kids - they haven’t discovered yet that the real joy of Thanksgiving is getting wine-drunk and falling asleep on the couch). I did feel that Arnold’s disappointment with their weird November 4th of July tradition wasn’t as meaningful as Helga’s story with her (frankly, rather abusive) family. I liked seeing the kids come to their own conclusions after meeting Simmons’ family, and the ending is very sweet. 

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! 

[theambivalent]

Why I went Vegan

For the most part, when people find out I’m vegan, I get one of two reactions:

1: “wow, that’s great! I wish I could do that”

2: “but.... why????”

I’ve struggled with writing this post out because I wasn’t sure if others would read it with an open mind. But I honestly don’t care anymore. I created this blog so that I could be honest... and in order to be honest about why I'm vegan I have to go way back to my childhood. 

...Yes, that’s really when the realization resonated with me.

[Note that I'm not telling you how to live your life. You do you, boo! I’m just telling my story.]

Childhood

I grew up in a Los Angeles suburb with my family of 9 total people (7 siblings). Dad’s income was the only money we had to support ALL of us. (Thanks dad!)  

So in order to make ends meet, dad raised animals for food at home. Not for EVERY meal, but almost every animal we had was meant to be food ...eventually.  

We had a huge walk-in chicken coop and ducks, rabbits, and even a goat at one point. In short, we had lots of animals. In the midst of the clucks and the quacks, there was 5 year old me, playing with all these cute little guys. I would greet them every morning. Gave them names. Say goodnight to each individual one by the end of the day.

I had milk from the goat, eggs from the chickens; I ate rabbit stew; goat meat, and roasted duck; but was too naive to think of where my food was coming from. I would ask dad about our missing duck/chicken/rabbit ...and he’d simply tell me they’d run away. It wasn’t until I caught my dad killing a chicken that I realized these beautiful creatures I'd play with ended up on my plate. I was devastated. 

 You see, at that time, I was a pretty lonely kid. I had just started elementary school, and wasn’t making many friends; these animals were my only friends...and it just broke my heart to think that they were dying just so that I could have a meal.

That was the first time I decided to go vegetarian. At the time, no one in my family had ever heard of veganism, so that thought never crossed any of our minds.  

But mom and dad sort of freaked out. “how could I feed my child vegetarian while making sure she’d get all the nutrients she needs?”

They didn’t know.  

What was their answer? To sneak in teeny bits of chicken broth, or super tiny bits of meat into nearly everything they served me.  

I had no chance.

There was nothing I could do but go back to eating meat. My parents didn’t have the resources to do the research. We had no internet in the early 90s. At least not in our house. Forget cell phones. There was literally only what we heard on the news about health. And this influenced my parents... and me.  

Teen Years

My first job was at a KFC near my house. At the time, it seemed like a great idea because I could easily walk there from home, as it was only a couple of blocks away.

By this time, we had less animals at home. As most of my older siblings had already moved out of the house, so dad was able to stretch his income a bit more. It was the summer before my junior year in high school.  

I just had to get a job because my parents were cutting my allowance. KFC was the first interview that I got, so I just had to take it.

There was virtually no training. The manager gave us a menu that had to be memorized overnight, and we watched some safety video. Everyday I'd come home smelling like chicken. There was no actual ‘break room’ for employees. We had to have breaks either outside, or grab a free meal for our lunch and eat with other customers. I was so sick of chicken that I couldn’t eat the food. I would’ve brought my own meals, but there was no fridge, because again... there was no break room. I had no choice but to eat the free meal offered by management. I was stuck with coleslaw and wedges. I hadn’t gone vegetarian yet, but I just got so sick of chicken that I couldn’t eat it anymore. One day, I saw a huge cockroach fall into the fryer where we make the wedges... and no longer craved them either. It was 100% coleslaw for me. I lost a TON of weight. I started getting dizzy spells and even lost my period for a few months. The worst part was that after I quit and went to school the next year, everyone was telling me how great I looked. I wanted to scream at them, ‘i’m sick’, but most of them were genuinely trying to be nice. ...ugh.

Redirecting my attention back to vegetarianism, I had decided to become pescatarian. Why not FULLY vegetarian? Because at that time, I still didn’t have great resources and believed I needed some kind of animal fat in my system in order to function well. And since I was constantly sick, I thought this would help me. I ate crackers and tuna when I felt sick, but had salads often.

To be 100% honest, I don’t believe I had an eating disorder & I was never diagnosed. But I did think that my actions were leading me down that path and going pescatarian actually helped me get better in that instance. Unknowingly, it was still harmful to my body, as I would later learn.

Adult Years

After becoming pescatarian, I decided to go full on vegetarian again, because as an adult in the 21st century, I could easily find so much information than I ever could have as a child!  

I found which plant foods had the most protein, iron, and other essential nutrients; while still eating eggs & dairy.

I had always been lactose intolerant, but it never affected me too badly ...until adulthood.  

Yes, milk is for baby cows. As children we only need milk from our own mothers, and just for the first few years of our lives... it makes sense!  

But at that time, I found myself reaching for medication to take care of my stomach issues because ‘mmm....ice cream!’. Looking back.... I realize I would have saved SO MUCH $$$$ by just buying vegan ice cream instead of that over the counter bean-o... .seriously!

My husband (fiance at the time) and I decided to go to this awesome restaurant for our anniversary dinner. It sat on a hill in Orange County, so we could kinda sorta see the firewords from Disneyland as we ate. I had a super huge salad, and he ordered a burger. As soon as we got home... boom! Food poisoning. He suffered pretty bad that night.

The next day, he looked up any info about eating better for your stomach, and we discovered veganism. We both decided the same day we’d go for it.

This is a short summary (probably too short?) of what our research lead to:

For the Animals

Paying for the foods we eat, literally fund the process by which the food is made. More money going into hamburgers, for example, meant slaughterhouses would breed more cows to kill for the purpose of supplying our demand. By slowly cutting down on meat, the meat industry will breed less and less animals to kill because they wouldn’t want to miss a profit. This is also why, there wouldn’t be an overpopulation of cows if everyone went vegan.

For the environment

Meat/dairy agriculture is the #1 cause of deforestation.  

Some people will tell you that buying soy products is the same issue. Problem with that is 80% of the land used to grow these soy products, is owned by the meat/dairy industries to feed their animals. On top of that, raping and force-breeding an excess of cows also causes a build-up of gas emissions, polluting our air. All of the land used by meat & dairy industries could be instead used to grow plant crops that would feed thousands. Also, more plants help to clean the air.

For Health  

People say, ‘if it’s in your genes, it doesn’t matter what you eat’. But what you eat can literally activate, or de-activate specific genes in your DNA. You can’t have high cholesterol if you don’t eat cholesterol, which vegans don’t. High Blood Pressure runs in my family and I was feeling its effects, and even had to go to the hospital because of it prior to going vegan. Changing my lifestyle made it completely go away. I’ve never had blood pressure issues after that.  

Going plant-based was the best decision we’ve ever made....EVER.  We’ve been vegan for about 5 years now and honestly find it mind-boggling that others still eat animals + animal products. It seems so barbaric to us.

I can’t imagine going back to meat/dairy after seeing how great I’ve been feeling mentally and physically compared to how shitty I felt before that.  

I love animals, and always will...  

Just like I love my body and always will...  

And like I love the planet and always will...

[banavalope]

Do you have any oc's that are just your own original dudes and not fan characters? I am super curious

*HUFFS, VIBRATES*

i do!! i have quite a few, if i wanna be real with u some of my fan characters are honestly just OCs I’ve dressed up for the sake of my special interest at the time.

Uh, I’ll talk about my favorites? Doodles/art under the cut:

I’ve had this one idea on the backburner for years about someone getting caught up in an apocalyptic take over by demons, and her sole concern is to get the fuck out of town. I’ve been calling it Leave Me Alone.exe since it started out as a pseudo-video game concept.

Eventually I’d like to write a short comic about it bc i think the idea is fun, but it’s been really hard for me to commit to an art and presentation style. I also - as much as I adore Homestuck like just fucking look at me - get worried about it being compared to Homestuck if I run with the “it’s a comic like youre playing a video game” idea I initially had. I digress,

It’s primarily about Zoe, zhe’s 25 (trans demigirl-nonbinary, zhe/her) and lives in a shitty little apartment in the middle of nowhere, Northwest Washington, pissed off that zhe never got what zhe wanted out of life just handed to her bc zhe’s an entitled prick. Zoe is under mountains of student loan debt and extremely nihilistic about the future. The world starts falling apart with demons coming out of a vortex in the sky and zhe takes it as an opportunity to escape her student loans and start her life over.

I also have two DnD characters I adore for two different campaigns that have unfortunately gone on an indefinite haitus. We still play the one Yao is in, but Iff will probably never see the light of day again unless I join another campaign.

Iff (pronounced with a long I, like “eye��; eye-ff) is my dwarf wizard (she/her), she’s basically a fantasy police officer and her crossbow (MY DM WOULD NOT LET ME HAVE A GUN THE COWARD) acts as her focus/wand, she shoots magic out of it instead of arrows. She was raised to become a temple priestess in her dwarven tribe but felt a much stronger calling towards the surface, so her dad told her to go live her fucking dreams. She joined the militia wanting to have responsibility and serve good and fell in love with her commanding officer, an elf woman who by night loved to gamble and chariot race. Iff realized how much of an adrenaline junkie she was going on night excursions with her, she fuckin chases that thrill.

Iff doesn’t like to use force unless she absolutely has to so she usually tries to talk down a situation first before resorting to fighting. She’s got a thing for gachapons, gambling, and guessing games.

Yao is my ghastly halfling monk warlock (she/they, probably identifies as a bug tbh), she’s wicked fucking powerful somehow. She was raised in a cult to become a body for a dark god to inhabit so she has extremely strong psychic powers and the ability to communicate with demons. When she left her cult as an adult to finish the preparations needed to be the perfect vessel (following the monk lifestyle to learn control and get stronk, and doing some mercenary-for-hire jobs) the world collapsed into 4 elemental planes and she was left to look for answers with our current DnD party. Yao’s been suffering an identity crisis since she’s started making friends with the party through travelling around together in the “new world”, developing humanity and a concern for herself as an individual that was never there previously now that her entire purpose isn’t about giving her soul up to evil. Because she’s pulling away from the gods she was promised to, her character arc revolves around her fight back against the horrorterrors trying to beacon her back to her “true purpose”. She’s interesting and fun to play. 

She likes to roll around in the trash and collect/eat bugs, her best friend in the entire world is a bugbear named GORGUTZ! who’s played by my friend. She basically lives in his satchel (he’s the biggest member in our party, whereas I’m the shortest). Yao’s Exactly As Small as the scene requires her to be at any time.

Lastly are these fucks that I’ve had since literally elementary school.

Claus and Cassandra (genderless, Claus presents as male or female and Cass usually presents as female) are my OLDEST oc’s and have gone through a lot of incarnations; they’re “vampires” who feed off of different types of spirits. Claus is a “humanitarian”, he only feeds off of the souls of people who die naturally; Cassandra feeds off of the souls of people who die thrilled/excited, so she’s very active in her hunting of food.

They masquerade around New York as a team of private investigators, trusted as some of the best at solving murders and busting crime rings - it’s a cover for them to be able to commit murder in order to feed, and frame it on underground criminals.

In tandem with them is Mitch (he/him), who fucking ADORES superheroes and power rangers. He dresses up like a ranger and vigilantes around town stopping, like, real petty crime because he’s just human yknow, and he accidentally gets involved with Claus and Cass. They decide to take him in as a “criminal justice understudy” to keep their secret safe, but also to kind of keep him safe too now that he’s up to his neck in hot water with both real fucking crime lords and in the news as A Real Superhero. They feel a little responsible for the whole mess but also are really angry at this kid for making things more complicated than they need to be.

Anyway, those are some of my bois!! Thanks for asking!