#my whole experience reading those books at the time was just wow the hunger games are so fucked up

[ifwebefriends]

Damn the more I think about The Hunger Games trilogy the more I regret reading those books for the first time when I was 11 and just a liiittle too naïve to realize some important themes in the books, my thoughts were like:

“Awww that’s sweet that Peeta confessed during his interview ☺️ why is Katniss mad at him?! 🤨”

“Wait, Katniss is pregnant?!?!?!?? How did that happen?!?!? And why is Katniss confused about it?! 😳”

Basically my reaction to the trilogy back then was literally:

[dangerouslypassiveaggressive]

A Terribly Organized Almost-Essay About Suzanne Collins and Why I Think She Writes

Lukewarm take because it's been years, but here it goes: if there's anything I've learned over the years, it's that Suzanne Collins is not a people pleaser. (The author, at least. I don't know her personally lol). And she be pleasing the people, that's not what I mean! I just kept hearing the same question being asked over and over again. "Why Snow? Why him?? Why not anybody else? Really?? A prequel about HIM??" It really made me think.

And don't get me wrong! I'd slash someone's tires for a Finnick prequel just like the next person (Suzanne please!), but that has never been the point of her writing. The Hunger Games novels, and by extension, the prequel book The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, aren't just fun fiction reads. Yeah, they're gripping. The world-building is superb. Young people are at the center of it. And all these characteristics are great, but the thing that draws us in, that keeps us consuming her media like hungry little caterpillars, is that they are, time and time again, a captivating and accurate criticism, analysis, and deconstruction of the broken systems society experiences in the real world. I can only speak from my own experience as a Mexican American woman in the United States, so take all of this with a grain of salt.

The Capitol is colorful and fun and interesting and horrible and sadistic. And it is all those things because it is a symbol of our own real-world 1%, except our own glittering Capitol members here in the real world feed us the hope that we may reach their status if we only work hard enough for long enough. The Hunger Games system never makes that claim. In fact, they are fed the narrative that the system only works because they're stuck where they are. Suzanne Collins is taking everything one step further in her writing because it is a type of satire, a critique of the things we already know. So as an author, she blows it out of proportion so that her reader will say "look at this! How ridiculous! How would someone let the system treat them this way!" And it is ridiculous, it's downright laughable that an entire society, an entire country, would let itself be oppressed in such a cruel way by just a few people in charge instead of rising up and- oh wow, yeah, I see it. She wrote about us.

Suzanne Collins just organized everything neatly into boxes- well, districts. Because every district comes with some form of product that they manufacture, but much more importantly: a class. We go in order from 1-13. District 1 manufactures luxury items and District 2 makes weapons (but mostly trains Peacekeepers), so they have the most privilege and wealth. On the other end, Districts 11 and 12 are the agricultural and coal mining districts, respectively. That's back-breaking work. Not to mention District 11 puts kids as young as 12 to work, and District 12 is poverty-stricken and starving. "But what about District 13?" You may ask, "They make nuclear weapons! Why aren't they up there with 2?" Fantastic question. If we know, and the people of Panem know, that the hierarchy is very clearly set by literal number order, why would one of the most powerful and competent districts be given more power and be put at the top? Placing them at the end lets them believe that they aren't powerful or competent. I mean, jeez, look at 12 and they're before 13? I wouldn't believe I could make it on my own either. (We know now that's not how things go down, but it's a clever power move regardless.)

But after all this, would it hurt Suzanne to give us a single book just for fun?

Yes, I believe it would, that's the whole point. We're not meant to fall for the Peeta/Katniss/Gale love triangle. We're not meant to be interested in Finnick's secrets and early life. We're not meant to want to know the morbid details of how Haymitch won his Games (with double the contestants! Ooh. Aah.) We're meant to be horrified at every turn, at every story. We're meant to ask ourselves how things got so bad, how anyone let this happen. Suzanne Collins has written wonderfully fleshed out characters that grip us and make us want to know more, but the point has never been them or even their loved ones. It was never about Katniss or Prim or Peeta or Finnick or Annie. It's always been about the systems that let this story happen, and where Suzanne got her inspiration: the very real lives we lead. The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes shows us the same thing.

So why Coriolanus Snow? Because he is the catalyst to a broken system that only serves the powerful. If Suzanne were to write a novel about any of our much more beloved characters, then she would be writing the exact same book over and over about the same oppression happening in the same system. She does not write for the sake of bringing her very well-written characters to life, but to flesh out the poverty, the starvation, the power struggles, the horrors they experience. We know this because she writes a lot of her characters as symbols. (Coin, for instance, as the symbol for a power-hungry figurehead, or Prim as the innocent during war.)

Snow is living in a slightly different biome than what we know from The Hunger Games series. He has to make sacrifices and decisions for him and his family, but it's different. It is a view and critique from the inside looking in. This is not Katniss getting to experience the Capitol for the first time and understanding just how terribly unfair everything is. This is someone who is very aware of the way things work and playing the game to stay in power and keep their privilege. Not only that, but it's someone who feels entitled to all of it. In this novel, Suzanne plays around with power and people's position in it. What if a mad scientist was in charge? What if the creator of the thing that brought a semblance of peace was just as horrified as the reader? How far is one person willing to go for power? What if we saw the dawn of a world we're already familiar with?

So I hope she keeps writing, because I love seeing our world through her eyes and the parallels she writes from our world to hers of the injustices happening every day. Even though we'll probably never get the stories we crave, but that's okay. Keep putting those kids through hell, Suzanne.

[hforhonesty]

Book Review #2 | Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

“Cath and Wren are identical twins and until recently they did absolutely everything together. Now they’re off to university and Wren’s decided she doesn’t want to be one half of a pair any more – she wants to dance, meet boys, go to parties and let loose. It’s not easy for Cath. She would rather bury herself in the fanfiction she writes where there’s romance far more intense than anything she’s experienced in real life.

Now Cath has to decide whether she’s ready to open her heart to new people and new experiences, and she’s realizing there’s more to learn about love than she ever thought possible…” [Official synopsis of the book]

Alternative title: “Ode to our Inner Fangirl” or “Every fangirl must-read”.

This book was pretty popular when I was still active on my fandoms but I, uhm, refused to read it.

(Because I’m disturbed)

(Ask anyone)

Seriously, though. I was only 14 at the time and I was going through that phase that didn’t let me read books outside the fantasy genre, given my not-so-little obsession toward Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, The Mortal Instruments, Hunger Games, and so on.

I bought my first copy on July 2014, during a fortnight study holiday in Dublin. I also got something like ten other books and had to purchase a carry-on because they wouldn’t fit in my luggage, but that’s another story.

Anyway, as soon as I started Fangirl, I decided to read only a few chapters for each night instead of finishing it in a glorious one-night-stand. You need to know that I have always been a fast-reader, but this time… I really didn’t want to finish it; instead, I wanted to enjoy every single line and make the book last as long as possible.

Before we start talking about Fangirl, you need to know that it is set in an alternative universe where Gemma T. Leslie is the actual author the Simon Snow Series, which is worldwide famous. Since the eighth and last book of the series is about to be published, most fans seized the day and decided to write on the Internet their own versions of the story, so that they could all have a say in the matter regarding the end.

“The whole point of fanfiction,” she said, “is that you get to play inside somebody else’s universe. Rewrite the rules. Or bend them. The story doesn’t have to end when Gemma Leslie gets tired of it. You can stay in this world, this world you love, as long as you want, as long as you keep thinking of new stories...” “Fanfiction,” Levi said.

“Yes.”

Cath Avery is undoubtedly Simon Snow’s #1 FAN. She loves the books so much that she owns something like every gadget of the series: posters, drawings, t-shirts, commemorative busts of Simon and Baz...

Just take a look at the fanart of her room made by Simini Blocker:

However, if someone asked Cath if there were something about the series that she wanted to change, the answer would be the most affirmative yes in the history of yes-s.

Because in Gemma T. Leslie’s version of Simon Snow, he and Baz Pitch are just enemies... And Snowbaz is a CRACK SHIP.

I mean, only G̶e̶m̶m̶a̶ ̶T̶.̶ ̶L̶e̶s̶l̶i̶e̶ a monster would write about their amazing chemistry and THEN DELIBERATELY CHOOSE NOT TO MAKE THEIR RELATIONSHIP ROMANTIC.

I need five minutes to calm down.

Inhala, exhala.

Inhala, exhala.

Inhala, exhala.

Okay. Fine. Fine. I’m cool. I’m fine.

So sorry you had to witness my wig snatching. Anyway...

Since R̶a̶i̶n̶b̶o̶w̶ ̶R̶o̶w̶e̶l̶l̶ Cath is also Snowbaz’s #1 FAN, she has to do something about this contempt of court, so she writes several fanfictions using the nickname Magicath and becomes beyond popular. People all around North America read her fanfictions, and she’s pretty well-known in Japan, too.

She’s currently working on her latest fanfiction, Carry on, which is her own version of the eighth book.

Wait a minute, you say. Is her fanfiction the same as Rainbow’s book?

The answer is no. Rainbow herself said that her book and Cath’s fanfiction are pretty much different, so you don’t have to worry about spoilers while you’re reading Fangirl. Moreover, here’s the link to my spoiler!free review/analysis of Carry on, which can be read by both newbies or og members of the fandom.

Anyway... As you can see, Cath loves writing – and she loves it so much that not only she’s majoring in English, but she’s also convinced her advisor to let her take Intro to Fiction-Writing, which is a class only for junior students.

Intro to Fiction-Writing is taught by professor Piper, whom I consider one of the best fictional-teachers of all time. One of my favourite scenes of the book is set during her very first lecture, when she asks her students why people write fiction.

The first time I read Fangirl, I remember putting the book down for a moment and asking myself how I would have answered if I had been one of those students. I probably would have kept the answer for myself, but the point is that, as I was getting lost on my thought, I couldn’t come up with an explanation of why I write.

It’s a tricky question for a writer, isn’t it? I bet that we could all come up with replies that couldn’t be more different from each other. We have a urge to write and we try to get along with it, but where does this urge come from? And what does it say? Does it speak a universal language?

Five years later, I think I’ve found my answer.

I’m an introvert. I’m loud and talkative when I’m with my friends, but I can’t even order a pizza on the phone — which is kind of funny, whatever.

Being an introvert also means that I have a hard time identifying myself with fictional characters. They are what I like to call the ‘Quiet Ones’, of course, but they seem to overcome their introversion, which is described as a huge problem that needs to be fixed, and gain tons of ““confidence”” (see: extroversion) toward the end of the book | series | movie | tv show, becoming totally different people.

So why do I write?

I write because I want people like me to know that they are not alone, that there’s nothing wrong with them, that there are people out there who think and feel things just like they do.

Because darling, we don’t need to be fixed.

We are just introverts.

Why do I write? Cath tried to come up with a profound answer – knowing she wouldn’t speak up, even if she did.

But she does. I mean, she does come up with an answer. More than one, actually. And while I was reading this scene, I was like, how is it even possible? How can I relate so much to a character that I’ve known for less than twenty pages?

“To explore new worlds,” someone said.

“To explore old ones,” someone else said. Professor Piper was nodding.

To be somewhere else, Cath thought.

“To set ourselves free,” a girl said.

To get free of ourselves.

“To stop hearing the voices in our head,” said the boy in front of Cath. [...]

To stop, Cath thought.

To stop from being anything or anywhere at all.

“Why do we write fiction?” Professor Piper asked.

Cath looked down at her notebook.

To disappear.

Cath can’t help isolating herself from everyone but her loved ones. Her father suffers from bipolarism, and her mother abandoned her and Wren because she wasn’t interested in motherhood.

When your family is incapable of loving you, it leaves a mark that lasts a lifetime. You’re afraid of rejection, you know that nobody will ever accept you for who you are, and you can’t stop thinking that if your own mother left you, then everyone else will eventually do the same.

So what’s the point in letting them break your heart any way?

“No,” Cath said, “seriously. Look at you. You’ve got your shit together, you’re not scared of everything. I’m scared of everything. And I’m crazy. Like maybe you think I’m a little crazy, but I only ever let people see the tip of my crazy iceberg. Underneath this veneer of slightly crazy and socially inept, I’m a complete disaster.”

Reading this quote was like watching my reflection on the mirror. I felt every single word of what she was saying, I felt her insecurities, her second-guessing, her fears. For a moment she was me... and I was her.

Fangirl made me realise that I’m not alone, that there is nothing wrong with who I am, that there are people out there who think and feel things just like I do.

So it’s pretty obvious that Cath belongs to the Quiet Ones. What makes her different, however, is that she doesn’t give anything up; instead, she accepts herself for who she is. And at the end of the story, she has gained more confidence, it’s true, but she’s still Cath Avery, which is one of the reasons why I love this book so much.

Thank you for reading my review. I hope you guys enjoyed it! :)

With love,

M.C.

Post scriptum: I can’t believe that my first review on Carry on got 102 notes! That’s insane, guys! I can’t believe it! Okay, enough with the exclamation marks. It’s just that... Wow. Even Rainbow Rowell herself liked it. I mean, RAINBOW ROWELL. For Heaven’s sake, I couldn’t be more thrilled.

So thank you, thank you very much. You’ve made my year.

[exxar1]

Episode 7: New Year, New Project (Sort Of)

1/11/2021

Happy new year!

           Things aren’t looking so good for the nation right now, but I’m pleased to say my new year is off to a good start. Sticking to my resolutions has been pretty easy thus far, especially the first one. Thanks to the Bible app on my phone and iPad, I’m able to keep up with my daily devotions on my lunch break. I also bought myself a Bible and a cover for it on Amazon as a Christmas present to myself. While I normally enjoy reading books on my Kindle or iPad, I decided that I prefer to read my Bible the old fashioned way. So I use that one for my devotions right before bed.

           This week I also began work on one of my other resolutions. Last month, as I was browsing Amazon, I stumbled across a book titled “Single, Gay, Christian: A Personal Journey of Faith and Sexual Identity”. It’s by a young man named Gregory Coles. Both the title and synopsis intrigued me, so I bought it for reading later. This week, I decided to use my lunch break to read instead of just playing games or surfing social media on my phone. I started Greg’s book on Monday and finished it by Friday.

And…wow.

           This is the synopsis from Greg’s website:

Let’s make a deal, you and me. Let’s make promises to each other.

I promise to tell you my story. The whole story. I’ll tell you about a boy in love with Jesus who, at the fateful onset of puberty, realized his sexual attractions were persistently and exclusively for other guys. I’ll tell you how I lay on my bed in the middle of the night and whispered to myself the words I’ve whispered a thousand times since: “I’m gay.”

Is it possible to be gay and still follow Jesus? And if so, what happens next? If you believe the Bible calls you to celibacy, is it possible to embrace that calling without feeling like a divine typo?

Single, Gay, Christian is the story of one person’s journey through these questions. It’s about acting like your own alter ego, about getting epiphanies from mosquitoes, about singing happy birthday to yourself while literally hiding in a closet. It’s about being gay, loving Jesus, and choosing singleness in a world that fears all three.

           Greg is only in his late twenties, and he published his story just four years ago. I was immediately captivated by his writing as he put into words so many thoughts, feelings, doubts, questions, and fears that I wrestled with in my teen years and, again, have started grappling with after reaffirming my salvation and faith in God four months ago. Like him, I was terrified of anyone discovering my secret. Like him, I questioned why God had made me this way. But unlike Greg, the only way that I could reconcile my conflict was to reject God, the church and the Bible altogether. I chose to walk into adulthood on my own, living my truth as I saw fit.

           Greg, however, stuck it out with God. The end result is that he came to believe it was God’s will for him to remain celibate. He’s currently serving as worship leader in his local church while teaching English part time at the university as well as writing a second book. As for me, I’m about to start the very same journey that Greg just completed.

           Four months ago, when I finally surrendered to God in a heartfelt, pleading, somewhat awkward prayer on a quiet car ride home from work late one night, I knew in the back of my mind that I was going to have to return to the very same issue that I had wrestled with in high school. That was one reason I created this blog, and I’ve spent the last four months mentally preparing myself by slowly opening various doors to my past and peeking hesitantly behind them. The first door was episode two of this blog.

           This week, as I read Greg’s story, I slowly realized two things. One, it was time to tell my story, and two, it needed to be more than just a blog. One of my new year’s resolutions was to tackle the issue of homosexuality and Christian faith, to reconcile this once and for all so that I could move on with the rest of my life. Greg’s story gave me the realization that the best way to tell my story was to also write a book. So that’s what I’m going to do.

           But then something else occurred to me. I don’t want to tell just my story. I want to broaden the scope of the book to discuss this issue in more detail. I want to interview pastors and church leaders of different denominations to hear their interpretations of God’s view on this issue. I also want to talk to others like me who have been struggling with reconciling their faith in God with being gay. I want to deep dive on Google and Amazon to find books and other resources that will help me learn the history of the church and its relationship to the issue of homosexuality. My story is going to provide the frame. All of my interviews and research will be the painted portrait. I’ve even come up with a title: Living Beneath the Rainbow: Reconciling my Homosexuality with my Christian Faith.

           Early in my senior year of high school, as part of a joint assignment for my Bible and English classes, my teachers assigned my class a religious topic that we had to research and write up in a term paper. In addition to the usual library research, we were required to interview the pastor and other leaders in our church. As with everything else in high school I did the absolute bare minimum required to complete this assignment. I loved English but despised Bible class, and I can’t even remember the topic my partner and I were assigned. I think it was predestination. Whatever the case, I did the library research, we both sat down for all of 10 minutes with the pastor, and then I wrote the paper. I have no doubt that our teachers gave us a “B” at best, or, more likely, a “C”.

           Mrs. Tutty, I know you’re a regular reader of my blog postings, so I want you to know that I’m here for my makeup assignment. This time it’s just me, and this time I promise to do more than just the bare minimum. This project will require my heart and soul. In addition to the various research methods, Bible reading and prayer, I will be returning to my own past. There’s a scared, angry, frustrated, lonely – so desperately lonely – kid that’s been waiting 25 years for me to talk to him. I am going to have to peel away the faded scars of old wounds that I assumed were healed long ago. I need to reconcile with myself before I can start reconciling and building my new relationship with God. I know already that this is going to be painful, and part of me really doesn’t want to do this. I would rather just focus on the main issue and go from here.

           But, in the last couple months, as I’ve been my Bible and learning all over again how to pray, I have felt God strongly reminding me of that burden that I thought I had thrown away years ago. In many ways, I’m right back where I started as a freshman in high school. How do I reconcile my faith with being gay?

           But that’s not the only reason I need to write this book. Last year I decided that I wanted to get a boyfriend. I was tired of living the single life, and I had felt a need for quite some time to find that “special guy”. That was back in June when I created the Tinder profile and I met “Alfred”. And those of you who read my blog already know how that turned out. But that didn’t stop me from continuing my search for true love.

           But, right about that same time is when God started to actively work within me, flipping all kinds of switches that woke me from my 23-year-long selfish complacency. I gave myself back to Him started this new journey.

           Sometimes irony can be a real bitch.

           After finishing Greg’s book, I have been having all kinds of new inner conflict. The main question now is, what if God’s will for the rest of my life is that I remain celibate? Just when I have begun experiencing a new kind of loneliness and the accompanying desire to satisfy that romantic hunger, I am now faced with the prospect that that hope will be forever denied me. My secret hope for this new project that I’m embarking on is that I will find the answers I’m looking for. That I will find a new peace with God and I can finally put to rest this issue once and for all.

           But, deep down in my soul, my super-secret hope is that not only will I resolve and reconcile this issue, but that I will also be rewarded with finding love in a lifelong relationship with another Christian man. I desperately want to experience that love that my parents and all my brothers and so many other people in this world – especially other gay Christians – have already had the joy of living and experiencing.

           But…

           But what if I reach the end of this particular journey and I get the answer I don’t want to hear?

           I promised God four months ago that I was His completely – heart, mind, body and soul. I will do whatever He asks of me. And in my head I know that He will give me the strength and resolve to follow through on that promise when He finally gives me answer to His will. But in my heart, I just don’t know if I can accept the answer if it’s one I don’t want to hear.

           But I’m getting ahead of myself. In my typical, type-A personality fashion I’m listing all the things that can wrong with the car before I even begin the road trip. It’s time to just get in, turn the key, and start driving.

           There’s also one more good reason to embark on a project like this one. I came back from Christmas vacation transformed. Not only did I feel well rested and refreshed, I also felt a very distinct sense of inner calm and centeredness as I jumped right back into a full time work schedule at both jobs. I hadn’t realized until now, looking back over the last seven months, just how angry, frustrated, and downright hostile I’d become, thanks to all the shenanigans of this country’s citizenry. I spent most of my free time surfing social media, arguing with strangers, ranting and raving like Chicken Little on speed and steroids, and most of it was for very little real result, except maybe fueling my own warped sense of righteous indignation and moral superiority. (But, for the record, I was right about almost all of it.) It also didn’t help that I was charging through most of my days on just 4 ½ hours sleep per night, thanks to the two full time jobs.

           My ten day vacation was a Godsend, in more ways than one. Not only did I catch up on sleep, but I also took the time to do some serious reflection and prayer. When I returned to Las Vegas last week, I felt an eerie mixture of calm and peace, as if my whole self was enveloped in a nice, warm invisible blanket. Even that whole, crazy shitstorm on Wednesday at the capitol didn’t ruffle me. I completely ignored the TV in the break room at Walmart as I devoured Greg Coles’ story on my Kindle app. Even my interactions with the customers at both jobs were different. The old me would have been silently judging and cursing all the annoying people – the ones who take forever to do a simple task like printing off a bank statement for a loan application, or they ask dumb questions about common sense stuff, or they want to give me their whole life’s story while the ten people in line behind them silently glare at both of us.

           But not the new me. I came into the new year with a new attitude. I knew I needed an adjustment. That’s why one of my resolutions was to be more kind, sympathetic and understanding to the people I interact with daily. But I think my calm, peaceful state of mind is also due to my renewed faith in Christ. I know that no matter how shitty the world around me is going to get, I have faith in the One who’s really in control of it all. And now, thanks to my new writing project, I have something into which I can pour all of my free time, my energy, my passion and my creativity.

           I don’t know how long this will take. I’m hoping no more than a year, at most. I’ve already made contact with someone I found on Twitter who runs a ministry in Nashville, TN, that helps churches to create their own ministries specifically to help LGTBQ Christian teens who are struggling with their sexual identity and their service to God. I also contacted Greg Coles via his website to thank him for his book and I asked him if he would be willing to correspond with me to discuss his story – and my own project – further. No response as of yet.

           But now I have a special request for all you out there reading this. If you know of someone like me who’s going through this same struggle and is willing to talk about it, or if you belong to a church that is either gay friendly or not, or if you know of any resources that you can point me to that will help in my study and research on this topic, I would greatly appreciate the assistance. I especially would like to speak to pastors or church leaders of the Lutheran, Presbyterian, Episcopalian or Methodist denominations. (I already have a Baptist pastor in mind for my first interview, hopefully later this week.)

           Happy New Year, folks! It’s going to be a good one! I can feel it!

           As my brothers would say, “Hoo-Rah!”

[finding--cat]

Kind of a letter

Hiii Cat! I tried sending an ask but it got denied so I’m writing here. Jic you get a similar unfinished ask. :)

Soo…bit of a random story. I stumbled upon a Hunger Games video and I remembered what fan I was of the book and a certan Wild Ones story! Since I am and was a romance addict, I felt the book could be a bit romanced up. I never shipped Peeta and Katniss because I thought he was a bit forced on her and it wasn’t really in her character to fall for him. Platonic love, yes. Romance, no. So when I found your story, my mind was blown! It’s so realistic within Katniss’ character and has the sound of the original book (I’ve had a bit of a reread). Cato is also developed really well and the whole thing feels so organic and makes sense. It’s also hot. The build up is amazing and you can discover with them how they acctually click together. In my mind, the last chapter follows loosely on the original story. They get out, but together, and go ham with the gang on President Snow. The baby is born in the new world and has two badass savage parents haha. I don’t know whether Cato and Katniss stay together, but they are in good terms. The storyline doesn’t go far enough to see if some hardcore feelings are developed, but judging how they’ve started to respect one another (+the baby factor) and from how your other works progress, I’d say it’ s a good guess that they end up together. How close am I? :) I would love to know the ending but it’s also kind of fun guessing! We had a chat a few years back about it, you probably don’t remember, but I’m glad you’ve decided not to take it down, even if it is unfinished. I still know where to find it, because I loved it so much :)

I’m not on tumblr anymore, but when you deleted your last blog, I made sure to know where to find you in case you decided to write a book and publish it so I would know to read it haha! I guess I’m sending this because I love your writing and back in the day I devoured everything you wrote (yes, even the JB stuff, even though I was never a JB fan). I found you through AB/PP, and of course adored it. I especially liked Fitz because she was so real. She made mistakes, was unsure what to do with her life but always had heart and was genuine. I saw a lot of myself in her. (Also with her recreational drinking haha I did that too at the time, when I wanted to be brave socially on nights out.)

Anyway, I had a little scroll through your tumblr and I see you’re still perfecting your craft but I wanted you to know that even then your writing was truly good and you could’ve only gotten better since then. Your writing voice is genuine and likeable, your storylines and characters are insanely developed (EG wow) and I never feel like -oh..this is romance but there should be more plot there, or this is a good story but not enough romance- you mix it up really well, which is rare, and I don’t know, I just feel things and am invested when I read your stuff. Oh! And it’s always funny! Even in EG, which could get quite serious, you put humor in some way! You’re a whole rounder haha (and I’m quite picky because I read a lot of similar things)!

I know this is out of the blue, but I remembered all of this and how I still consider you one of my favourite writers (your stuff would be on my read asap upon publishing goodreads shelf haha). So I thought, if this person’s writing still stays with me to this day, and she put so much time and effort into it, and I thoroughly enjoyed it for free…I should at least let her know. (Although it got a bit out of control length wise haha.) I did write you a few asks back then, but I just wanted you to read something like this now, when you’ve gone a bit underground. I know writing is a hobby for you and that you have another career,��but if you ever get an itch to write and publish something, and you need a bit of a push, I hope you remember this (and PR the shit out of your work so I can see it haha). I know the publishing world is a shit show and you might not ever want to do that, but there are so many mediocre and sloppy books floating around and selling out that we need more good ones! Do it for the addicts haha! (If you’re interested in reading romance, I recommend the Hating Game by Sally Thorne and The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang, I think you’ll like them :) )

It is actually a bit weird, me writing all of this (and for you, getting it from a stranger) but I feel like I know a bit about you from before and from reading your work. Part of this social media fenomenon, I guess, ha! Hopefully it comes off more nice, less weird! So thanks for the good reads and good luck with everything, Cat!

AHHHHH this was the most surprising message of all time! I canNOT believe you read The Wild Ones (you actually inspired me to skim through it again haha) - that’s so amazing! Thank you for spending your hard-earned time reading so much of my work! You know, I really wish I’d had about one more month to finish that story. I started it in June or July and then in September I left for Tanzania, and I’d only written about 10k of the third and final instalment. I thought I could finish it while I was away, but I ended up having such an emotionally transformative experience that I just felt I had to start fresh everywhere in my life. (Also, when I got home I felt I couldn’t handle writing anything ‘heavy’, which was when and why I started writing Awkward Beat). I like your predictions for how things wrap up. Not all accurate but not too far off base, either :) You’re right, I never wrote The Wild Ones to be the ultimate romance story of all time, so it was never going to be a relationship that people “shipped” and it was never intended to be about two soulmates meeting. It was about two people literally forced together under hideous circumstances who found they had common ground deep within their very angry, rebellious souls, and they would use that commonality to fight for the lives of their people. I was really proud of the two stories I wrote for the HG fandom - I had my own reasons for removing my works on 1dff, but I’ve never removed other works, you don’t have to worry about those ones disappearing! Thank you again so much for reading :) 

Also, thank you from the bottom of my heart for such wonderful encouragement. That really means so much to me, I can’t even say how much. I definitely appreciate the recs and will check them out. You’re a gem and I feel so lucky that you stumbled upon my work (and kept reading it!). Cheers. 

[emiliaboone]

Sci-Fi Romance Thoughts: The Host

Here we go, the other “bad” movie. At a 9% RT score and written by the author of Twilight, there was really only one way this will go. I remember trying to read this book years ago, and I’ve always loved Saoirse Ronan, but to be honest the concept just didn’t really jump out at me. But I watched it, because aliens are relevant, and it was interesting. Here are my (spoiler filled) notes on the Host!

Who is in love? Wanda and Ian

How much time was spent on the romance? About half

Did they end up together? Yep

Did the plot depend on it? Oh, yeah. The whole point of the end was like 75% so they could end up together.

How much lead up? A bit. It starts off the way most movie romances do. But it’s sudden. Maybe it always is and I’m seeing it here cos I’m looking for it but the lead up is pretty standard. He notices her, starts to believe her, starts watching for her, caring for her, and finally protecting her until they kiss.

Were you feeling it? Eh..I was getting emotional towards the end but it’s not really to do with them. But I like both of them as actors so I don’t feel repulsed by it. Short answer no.

How was it integrated? Pretty entwined in the conflict. In Wanda trying to make a life for herself she fell in love with Ian, but Melanie was in love with Jared. It was him who pretty much kept her from being killed half the time, and at the same time, she was trying to resit feelings for him and help melanie.

How distracting was it? I think it was too much of the plot to be distracting. I’d say the same about Melanie and Jared but the flashback scenes got weird sometimes so they distracted me more. The super-convenient ending was annoying, though

Kiss? Yep

Sex? Not on screen but maybe during the time skip

Annoyance Level: 4, mostly for the ending and how cliche it was.

Overall movie rating: Another 4. It was so ridiculously cliche but it had promise and made me emotional.

Thoughts! - These words are always incorrect and always arouse suspicion. I have to admit until I started doing this I completely forgot about this movie, and this book. Why do I always think these things are robots? Dead. Oh no, not you, girl I literally don’t know a single thing about! Who closed her mouth? Call…Me…Ishmael. Ok, that scene was super weird. The way he was like “you’ve lived many lives on many worlds” that was very clearly exposition and it was not well integrated. So are her bones…Not broken now? Wait, does she have a southern accent now? Did that dude just randomly kiss some girl he didn’t know??? What’s with stephenie meyer and random sexual assault? Oh she’s drawing him this got really creepy…er. Oh now he cares about consent. Okay I’m actually uncomfortable with the dialogue here. Why do the aliens speak English? This is so weird to me “after everything you’ve seen” I haven’t seen much. We’re only 18 minutes in. I get it kid brother but if they’re heartless aliens less than 18 minutes wouldn’t kill her evil, would it? EVERYTHING IS CHROME IN THE FUTURE is her shirt on backwards? I think it’s on backwards…I’m seriously so confused by why she pities them so much. It seems too easy. sooooo dead. Is she really going to do that in heels??? why are they wearing heels anyway? Or clothes? Do they have a concept of gender? What are the alien rules? “Did you really think you could beat me?” super cliche. And why do they have cars? I’m super confused on how they are so integrated in human culture. Symbolism tree! Why is her uncle nice to her? Just cos she has melanie’s face? Or is it because when she woke up it was “her”? What does she mean by “they can’t see me”? Of course not? You have alien eyes? What else are they going to see? Oh, child actors. Ok but why are they keeping her alive? Just to question her about why she came back? Nice exposition there, Jake Abel. No-one just says “little brother” unless they’re saying it to Mulan’s dog. Why is jake abel suddenly feeling sorry for her? Let me rephrase, I get why, but he didn’t seem to feel bad before. Wanda is only one syllable less than wanderer…Did he not hear her whispering out loud? LOL “STORE” So this whole time, we just see jake Abel just…look at her. But that’s how you know they’re destined for love. Because every time she walks in a room he drops everything and the camera just lingers on his face. There’s the schoolboy grin, following her with his eyes, now he’s watching her work, and she doesn’t understand it but love and shit. offering her water, which she takes even though melanie is yelling at him, long looks. I think the commentary is supposed to be funny but it…really isn’t. Oh, no not the two red shirts. I could never have predicted this. Why is she all shocked that the dude is dead, she knew what it was when she picked it up? Defending her from jared, oh wow, now he wants her to stay with him?? Lol that uncle knows. Now they’re holding hands…smiling at each other, protecting her, keeping Jared from coming at her, defending her name, oh I know his name now! Oh, fuck I don’t like this, you can’t just go around kissing random girls, dude! You’ve done it twice now, what the fuck? Why is she kissing him back when she’s begging her not to? Oh, she’s going to kill him, isn’t she? Oh I would have much preferred it if she did…Now he’s saying he’ll kill bro dude for trying to kill her. This is very twilight, everyone gathering around to protect her even though they hardly know her, just cos they believe melanie’s in there. Now I can see jeb and jamie protecting her but ian didn’t know her, this is very edward. Oh but he’s been told to stay away. Phew. Oh but he’s going to do it anyway cos he’s a rebel. This is their first date ish thing. Holding hands, and she seems to like him but now she’s contradicting herself cos melanie loves jared which means she loves jared but she even said earlier that she liked ian and the logic of these aliens make no sense! Almost kiss…This logic works, that it’s the body he likes, not her, I really like that she said that….and then ruined it by kissing him. well fuck. Oh there’s a twist I definitely didn’t see coming. How could I have ever guessed that weirdly violently human seeker had a weirdly violent human still inside her? He follows her, “it’s not what it looks like”, apologising all quiet. there’s another really weird shot! So…jamie’s hurt. Okay. But where melanie go? she was there until you saw your “family” killed, so it was you that was mad, why would she have gone somewhere?? Now she’s using Ian to get her back, and he’s…cool with that? Not only is he cool with it, hes helping her? and she’s using jared now, this situation is fucked, really. Lol I love that it just says “store”. I feel like that’s something that comes up a lot, siblings getting randomly sick? Or a loved one, and that causes issues? Gale in the Hunger Games, Uriah in Divergent, I just feel like it happens a lot. Maybe even the dad in the Circle? I don’t know if that will count. Steps in front of her when Diane Kreuger comes to kill her. Are all aliens american? Why does she need to die, i’m confused. And now melanie likes her? Lol that kinda looks like the arrival spaceship. This is really weirding me out. Yes, they’re friends with her now. But why are they trying to keep her with melanie? clearly she’s taken over someone’s body, you can’t just say “think about it” to the thing literally possessing your niece? Leaving you? Love her, how long have you actually known her? Why a I getting emotional right now? Just months? How many months? I knew this ending was coming but god, it’s so convenient. Imagine Dragons????

So those are my thoughts on the Host! It was a movie, that happened. And it was an experience! To see the video I took these notes for, you can find it here, and I’ll be back tomorrow for the parody! Finally!

[thegirlbeneaththesmile]

I’m proud of myself, for the first time ever I actually managed to keep a travel journal while I was away on vacation. A part of me has always wanted to be a travel blogger, or some sort of travel blogger, but I haven’t exactly gone a ton of places to do so, and definitely none that are very exotic. Nor do I travel more than once or twice a year... yeah, I would be a lousy travel blogger, but still, it would be fun. Anyways, point is, I figured I would share my travel experiences on here, just to be a little bit of a travel blogger myself. (I went to Atlantic City by the way, sorry to its residents, but I would not recommend travelling there)

Day 1: 1) The U.S. is as bad as home when it comes to summer road construction 2) All the feels. A portion of our route was the same route we took to NYC which made me really want to go back. Especially once I started seeing the signs for NYC 3) I have now seen 2 Ivy League schools: Columbia and Penn State. They’re both beautiful, but they aren’t Ryerson 4) It is in fact NOT always sunny in Philadelphia. It was actually quite cloudy when we drove through, but it’s a really pretty cit 5) Not going to lie, Atlantic City is kind of sketchy looking. Maybe it’ll just take some getting used to, but right now I’m not loving it 6) I’ve been resigned to sleeping on the pullout couch because of my cold. It’s not the most comfortable but I guess it’ll have to do 7) I look like a ghost. This sickness has made all the colour leave my body. What the heck?

Day 2:  I didn’t actually write about this day, I just wrote down an idea to consider pursuing and I’m not in the business of having that idea taken right out from under me, so moving on.

Day 3: TEEN WOLF TEEN WOLF TEEN WOLF So this is what it feels like to watch an episode of Teen Wolf live. Not going to lie, it was a bit of a lack lustre premiere, but damn, Dylan O’Brien in his FBI attire. A solid 10/10. Also Derek’s back, that’s a win. He’s wanted for mass murder, but still, Derek’s back. I’m going to miss this show. It’s ironic how it’s coming to an end as I’m starting the next chapter of my life. It’s almost like it’s signifying the end of an era. Now that’s sad.

Day 4: My God it is hot here. It’s probably the same kind of hot here that it is at home... when it’s not raining a ton that is. You’d think that there would be a bit of an ocean breeze while walking the boardwalk, but nope, it’s all just sweltering heat. Thank God for the pool and hot tub (ironic, I know). Correction: thank God for the pool and hot tub when they’re both not busy and filled with screaming kids.

Day 5: 1) Ryerson released the schedules! My schedule isn’t bad, the only downside is this really big chunk of time between my Friday classes, and the fact that my last class of the week is from 5:00 - 6:00 p.m. The poor sis had to sit with me for almost an hour while I tried to figure out how to change my lab times around. If all goes according to plan on Tuesday, I should have Mondays off and be done downtown by noonish on Fridays. Overall this is getting me more pumped for school to start. 2) Something happened down at the beach. Don’t know what exactly happened, but something happened. There were a bunch of ambulances, then helicopters and a boat scanning the water. I think they were looking for someone. I’m going to keep an ear out and see if I can figure out what happened. 3) Update on the cold: the cold is almost fully gone. Now just to clear my nose and get rid of this damn cough.

Day 6: 1) If I get melanoma it’ll be on my legs. My bad habit of not putting sunscreen on is being put to an end by the mother and sister. Unfortunately my legs are already a different shade than my torso which did have sunscreen on. Hopefully I just tanned though. Mum and the sis are already pink/burnt. Thank God that doesn’t usually happen to me. 2) Yeah, so I got a bit burnt. Whoops.

Day 7: 1) Wow we are in the sketchiest area of Atlantic CIty. Brigantine, Ventnoor (?) and Ocean City are so much nicer than where we’re staying. Brigantine beach patrol is also HOT to top it off. The sis and I turned some heads too which is always a compliment. 2) Suicide Squad isn’t bad. The character development was probably the best part in my opinion. I think I’ll stick to my Marvel movies though.

Day 8: According to my family, today is my birthday, or at least it is at Rainforest Cafe. I strongly dislike being sung to at restaurants. It’s quite embarrassing. Yes, the (typically) free dessert is nice, but please spare me the singing and clapping. Especially when there’s a cute bus boy working. If tonight’s dinner extravaganza is any indication, I will forever not know what to do while people sing happy birthday to me.

Day 9: Wasaga Boy texted me, which was really out of the blue. A lot of people have been texting me like that lately. It turned a rather uneventful day into something somewhat interesting. Otherwise I would simply be writing about how in a day’s course I’ve read 75% of my new book and how Dad and I watched Rogue One again. Man, there really isn’t a lot to say about Day 9.

Day 10: Okay, so we weren’t really in New Jersey today, but it’s close enough. Philly’s a lovely city, it kind of reminds me of Montreal with the mix of the old and the new. It’s very American though, considering so much of American history happened there, but when you’re driving down the old streets lined with townhouses you start to forget. It’s days like these that remind me how much of a city girl I am, and how that’s where I feel the most at ease. Or at least in the non-sketchy parts of town. I can’t wait to be downtown everyday come September.

Day 11: Today was a lazy day. It was raining and I really didn’t want to do anything. So I didn’t. I sat and finished writing the next episode in my TV series. Then I formatted it. And then I proof read it. I’m probably going to have to proof read it again before I start writing the next episode. Either way, I’m happy because it’s progress. I forgot (or at least temporarily forgot) how much I love writing, and this show practically writes itself. It feels good to have an actual show up my sleeve. Now just to finish writing this season.

Day 12: 1) Course Selection: ☑️ Ideal Schedule: ☑️ I survived the semi-annual Ryerson Hunger Games. It was stressful as all hell, but at least it’s done now. Plus it was good practice for all those mornings I’ll be waking up at 5:00 a.m. to make it to my 8:00 a.m. classes. This definitely makes it feel more real, like it’s actually happening now. 20 days from now frosh week will begin and I’ll officially be part of the Ramily. My excitement levels could not be higher; if only my sleep deprivation didn’t mask it. 2) Finally some cute boys.They’re probably younger than I am, but who cares, I’m just glad to know that they exist in my vacation universe. That, and I have a boy anyways. 3) Passengers is a really good movie. 10/10 would recommend. For such a limited cast it was so human too. I really enjoyed it. 4) Baths are kind of overrated. At least ones without bath bombs. They’re relaxing sure, but when you think about it, unless you showered first, you’re sitting in your own filth. Which is gross.

Day 13: Even though this building doesn’t have a floor 13. 1) So some idiot thought it was a good idea to clear the smoke from their kitchen out by leaving the door to their room open so it would escape into the hallway. At 7:20 a.m. setting off an alarm for the whole building. This annoying buzzing sound plus a recording saying that an emergency has been reported and to listen for further instructions. That went on for like 10 - 15 minutes before the “All Clear” message took over... for another 10 minutes. That was exactly how I wanted to wake up. Because waking up before 8:00 two days in a row is at the top of my list. 2) Well then, cute boys really do exist here, and this time there were actually two that are the right age for me. These two boys who we’re guessing are cousins are 19 which is good for me. It was so cute to watch them playing with some little boys and goofing around with them. They were definitely the kind of eye candy I want while lounging around the pool. And of course it was pretty nice to have them checking the sis and I out. It was a good day at the pool.

Day 14: The last day is always pretty bittersweet. Sweet, because it’s a day to enjoy and make the most of. Bitter, because it means packing up and heading back to the same old same old. Usually by the time the 2 weeks is over the condo and area feel like home (okay, Atlantic City does NOT feel like home, but the condo is home-like). It’s almost as if we could actually live our lives out of the condo if we decluttered and brought all our stuff out to meet us. Am I going to miss New Jersey? Probably not. Will I want to come back to Atlantic City? Definitely not. It was nice while it lasted: the sun, the hot tub, the pool; but I think I’m actually ready to go home. Maybe it’s the anticipation building up for university. Maybe it’s the fact that I miss my people back home. Whatever the reasoning, it’s been good, but it’s time.

Day 15: A.K.A. checkout day A.K.A. my birthday (my 18th to be exact) and what better way to spend it than in my favourite city? Not only did I get to relive bits and pieces of my NYC trip, but I got to play tour guide too and stay in one of those hotels that the main character in a film stays in when they go to the city. It’s been the best birthday yet, even if the sis picks fights, even if tomorrow is going to be a mad dash. 18, has been a great one.

Day 16: Today it’s the mad race against time as the Shawn Mendes concert looms in front of us. The only thing standing in our way is the 8 hour drive and the threat of traffic, construction, and getting stuck at the border. This definitely wasn’t our best plan but it makes for an interesting journey and a fun story. After all, not many people wake up in NYC to finish with a night out in TO. This should be fun.

P.S. If you made it all the way to the end, thank you for sitting through this, you’ve got my gratitude

P.P.S. we made it to the concert, time to spare and all

- 08/15/2017

[veiredame]

A few TAZ spoilers and a lot of ridiculous philosophical introspection on existence below the cut

Merle and John talking about how the Hunger came to be...wow...

I mean, John’s whole thing, the way he views eternity and the way he views things like love and friendship and bonds in general--it touches on some of the most profound, decisive moments of my life. Not in that there was any big decision to make or anything serious had happened, just this realization about life and our place in it and individuality and eternity or the lack thereof, spreading like the warmth seeping into your skin through a mug of hot chocolate.

We are so small. 

Hundreds of years from now, I won’t matter. Someone may see me in a family tree or find my name in old records or see my grave, but I won’t matter. Most of us won’t make a difference so great that our names will be remembered. Most of us are meant to be forgotten.

And it’s hard to describe why that’s overwhelming in a good way for me. Where John saw these things being small as some mark of inferiority, for me it’s like...

There’s so much of us. In just one person, we are so much. 

We’re tiny and easily forgotten, but for every dead person the world has left behind, for every life cut short, for every average Joe who grew old and died in obscurity, there was so much in them. In each one. Things I can never hope to know. Mysteries I’ll never see solved.

That’s just thrilling, though, isn’t it?

It seems stupid that I would’ve realized this because of a fucking video game. Not even one with a deep story. Nope. It was the Sims. It was playing the Legacy Challenge in Sims 3 that made me feel it. It was looking up worlds to play in and admiring the curve of mountain peaks and the smooth lines of the coast that someone had meticulously carved out of digital coding--and then looking around outside.

It was all just chance. The way that hill curves against the sky, the single star lighting an entire planet, the formation of the clouds, the curl of the sea.

It’s so much. It’s so small.

And I suppose the first time I began to see it in people was when I played a legacy and started keeping track of their stories. Sims are just coding. They don’t live long. But the ones I had seen born in game grew old and started to die. Sometimes I’d see something they made on the shelf or a picture they took on the wall while their great great grandchild played on the guitar I’d originally bought for them and it just...

There was so much to each of their stories. They lived such a short time, but even their little simulated lives had so much in them. Every story, every little incident, every novel interaction--when you keep track of them, they really add up.

I started doing it to myself. Looked at my life as if I were just a Sim in someone else’s game. The stories I can recount from childhood, the jokes I share with my best friend from high school, the struggle I went through in college, my mental health history, the way I survived that history, the worlds I created to escape, the way books I’ve read have shaped me, the course my mind has gone to morph my thoughts and ideals, watching my nieces and nephews grow, posing for wedding pictures, saying hello to the old couple who walk their cocker spaniel around the same time I take my dog out, the things I keep, the things I leave behind...

I’m so small

And so big

I could go on for an eternity after death or I could vanish into oblivion. But I was here. I am here. Remembered, forgotten--it doesn’t matter. My life isn’t for either of those things. My life is for me. I’m the only one who gets to experience it firsthand.

That I’m here at all is miraculous. It’s the feeling I get when the sun is setting and the sky is pink fire and I can feel the light soaking into my eyes. It’s overwhelming. Overflowing. Warm.

And good.