#my version from a book no one can find again is obviously superior

[theshadowrealmitself]

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood

It would chuck as much as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood

[sophieswundergarten]

OOOHH IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME

Sticky is the only one with a fully functioning set out parents out of all of them

Now, this isn't really important, because they all love each other desperately and it's just one huge family of a bunch of odd parts and peoples, but it has the potential to be really sweet.

(Bit of spoilers for the books under the cut, as I discuss this idea more)

For people who have only seen the show: In the book series, it's Sticky's parents who push him into quiz competitions. He does still pretend to run away and hide so as to spy on them, but hears his parents saying something about "better off", and assumes they mean they're better off not having to care for him. At the end of the book, it is revealed that they, in the irrationality of believing they have lost their entire child, are saying that if their actions had driven him to run away, maybe he was better off without them as parents.

The neat thing about this (And, in my opinion, the reason that this version of Sticky's history is far superior to the show's), is that while it's pointed out that Curtain's messages are influencing the Washingtons ("The missing aren't missing, they're only departed", etc.), it's also mentioned that they loved him so much that they started looking for him before the messages stopped.

They have actually gone into debt looking for him, once they were able to get through the messages and begin searching. They eventually do figure out that he's with Mr. Benedict, and when Mr. B invites them in to talk to them about it, they just absolutely break down crying. They really do love Sticky and do a lot better as parents after they find him again. Anyways, this is resolved and Sticky goes back to living with his parents, who love him a whole lot and are much more careful of how they treat him (He's even a little frustrated by how over-protective they can be sometimes).

So, I was thinking about how sometimes it would be really cool for the other kids to "borrow" Sticky's parents. There are multiple times where they express how much they care about them, such as this passage from TPJ:

Mr. Washington was getting a wheelchair out of the trunk for Mrs. Washington, whose troubled knees kept her from walking much, but who nonetheless took a few painful steps to embrace Reynie and Kate. A short woman with walnut-colored skin, narrow shoulders, and a rather pouty mouth belied by the kindness in her eyes, Mrs. Washington couldn’t stop shaking her head as she turned the children’s faces left and right in her hands. “You both look years older already,” she said ruefully, as if she couldn’t bear the thought. Mr. Washington came up with the wheelchair, and his wife lowered herself into the seat and dabbed at her shining eyes. Mr. Washington, who resembled a larger version of Sticky—tall, slender, and bespectacled—was not much for words, but he smiled fondly and greeted the children with reserved pats on their shoulders.

And just think about these two awesome humans going to bake sales and dances and school events or what have you and pretending that they're the kid's parents. Obviously, they all have legal guardians, but sometimes it's probably easier to deal with stuff when there are two married adults there watching the children, just so people don't ask so many questions.

"That is definitely our Kate" They say, laughing as they claim responsibility for her when she's been caught scaling the third story of a building to get a better view of things.

"He's with us" They each place a hand on Reynie's shoulders when the mayor wants to kick him out of a press conference for being "too invested" in Stonetown's new orphanage policies.

"Yep, that one's ours" They smile in fond exasperation as the moderator of a slam poetry night explains that Constance has been banned for making another contestant cry.

"This is our son, and we're very proud of him" They stand behind Sticky as he hangs up flyers protesting the high pressure academic competitions put on children's mental health.

[darklinaforever]

I need to share this so much of the conversation I had with this person was hallucinating.

Here are some of the best (lol) parts I've heard from this person on youtube :

"Another thing: you say that in the book the antagonist is the Greens, but I don't believe that's the real point of the story. It's not a war between good guys and bad guys, both sides commit a lot atrocities throughout the story. Much like the Trojan War, it is a conflict that does not oppose good guys and bad guys but in which two sides will tear each other apart, with heroes and monsters on both sides (and an element of good and evil in most of the characters. And above all, this civil war is a monstrous catastrophe for both sides and for House Targaryen as a whole. We must listen again to what Shireen Baratheon says to her father in GOT. Neither side is virtuous in this conflict but war is a calamity for thousands of innocent people. The escalation of the conflict plunges the protagonists into a cycle of violence and revenge that leads them to sacrifice their humanity, which is at the heart of the tragedy.

HOTD decided to make Rhaenyra and Alice two protagonists who, at the end of the season, are both trying to avoid war and that for me is an awesome way to tell this story. They're partly acting on behalf of their old friendship, which is another addition I love to the show, by the way. Obviously, the war which finally breaks out and which will oppose them is all the more tragic as a result."

"But there are two sides that commit atrocities, it's true in the book and it will be even more so in the series in my opinion! You say "the Targaryens did nothing wrong" (I specify that I was talking about the book when I said that to that person on youtube) and you're probably talking about black people but Daemon killed his wife and he and Rhaenyra are complicit in the murder of an innocent man so they can get married. Anyway, no protagonist of this story is innocent. It is a bad reading of the story to see the Greens as the "bad guys". Otto has a huge responsibility in the outbreak of the conflict, it is true, but Viserys too, despite his good intentions, he has almost as much responsibility. Rhaenyra and Alicent are also partly responsible, by the mistakes they make. And also Aemond, of course, who puts an end to any possibility of negotiation.

In the end, both sides share some responsibility for the conflict and lose almost everything in this story. But the first victims are the innocents, the children and the little people who did not ask for anything and who will count their victims in the thousands, because the family that controls the dragons cannot get along. And I maintain that the real antagonist of the story is the war itself, which could have been avoided and which is a tragedy for the kingdom and the Targaryen dynasty.

Martin did not write this story in a Manichean way, he wrote it as a tragedy in which House Targaryen is swept away, by ambition and lust for power, by a cycle of vengeances that leads to its self -destruction. He never wanted to make it a fight of good against evil. His version of Rhaenyra is also mainly driven by ambition and willing to do anything for power.

But anyway, I think the story that HOTD tells is superior to the original. The characters are better developed and more interesting. In particular Alicent and Viserys, but also Rhaenyra in particular, from my point of view. And to have Alice as a real protagonist is awesome.

"You can have your reading of the book's history as one of a struggle between the 'good' blacks and the 'bad' greens, but I disagree. But either way it's much less the proper reading in HOTD's version of the story. Again, I invite you to re-cut what Shireen Baratheon says to her father in GOT. It's not a conflict where one has to side with one side or the other (although many find it amusing to do so.) It is the war itself that is the tragedy of the story.

And even if Otto and Viserys are primarily responsible for the conflict, Rhaenyra and Alicent bear some responsibility for its outbreak. Rhaenyra's lie causes the broken trust that drives Alicent into her father's manipulations. If the two friends had remained allies, Otto could never have manipulated Alicent or become Main again and provoke the conflict."

"It's very clear that Daemon and possibly Rhaenyra are behind Laenor's murder in the book. In the show, they softened it up by having them kill an innocent man instead (and I really liked that twist) but they still have the blood of an innocent on their hands."

"Fire & Blood is not a novel that tells the story of heroes fighting against villains but a historical chronicle that tells the story of this civil war and in the face of which readers are free to develop their point of view. If you can find black people more sympathetic, Rhaenyra is not at all a revolutionary feminist any more than was Mathilde the Empress who serves as inspiration for her character.In the book, she is one character among others , mainly motivated by the desire for the throne and who commits her share of atrocities (I should point out that I never called Rhaenyra a feminist in my conversation with this person…)

HOTD has adapted this story into a much more interesting and non-Manichean narrative, in which the two main protagonists are those childhood friends whom the tragedy of the story leads to become enemies. The breakdown of their friendship is a tragedy, especially since they still have affection for each other. It is a great tragedy that has nothing to do with a struggle between "good guys" and "bad guys". And by the way, remember that Martin himself involved in this adaptation and does not consider it at all a betrayal of his work.

Besides, Alicent and Rhaenyra are not "weaker" than in the original story. They simply have other motivations than the thirst for power and ambition. They are both stronger and more interesting than in the book, especially because they oppose Otto and Daemon and because they understand the higher interests of the kingdom (which is not to cause a civil war) . In the book, Alicent remains her father's pawn from beginning to end, I don't understand how that would make her any stronger. It is her rise to power in King's Landing and her opposition to her father at the end of her story arc that makes her strong, as does her heroic courage in the face of the dragon in the Dragonpit, where she presumably saves the lives of her children. And Rhaenyra shows great strength by imposing her policy against Daemon and the lords who only want to plunge the kingdom into war as quickly as possible. For me Alicent and Rhaenyra are the two real heroines of this story (and my two favorite HOTD characters)."

"Finally, Fire & Blood discusses the different hypotheses and the responsibility of Daemon and Rhaenyra really seems the most probable… Let's admit that the death of Laenor falls awfully well for them. In any case, HOTD does not contradict the book by making d them actors in his disappearance."

"Rhaenyra is partly responsible for the breakup with Alicent not her lie in the Sacred Wood, which leads the latter to believe what her father says about the fact that her friend could become a threat. I understand Rhaenyra for having wanted to hide her story with Cole but it turns out to be a mistake and the break between the two friends is a great tragedy.

I'm not saying that both sides are equal, obviously Rhaenyra would make a better ruler than Aegon (even Alicent eventually realizes this), but Rhaenyra is also right to ask the question of what is better for her and for the kingdom, between peace or war for the throne at any cost. It is the mark of a responsible sovereign to ask herself this kind of question, which is at the heart of the story.

And HOTD's Alicent is essentially driven by good intentions, which makes her character (and story) all the more interesting. Finally, it is not true that there is a lot of inconsistency provided you pay attention to its narrative arc and make the effort to understand its evolution. But obviously, if you only want to see her as a villain, you'll be disappointed."

Do I need to explain how dumb this person is? Worse I think is Laenor's death shot, or saying HOTD is better than Fire and Blood, or even no actually it's outright saying George portrays Rhaenyra as primarily driven by desire for the throne and who commits his share of atrocities as a result. As if she wasn't just fighting for her right in this story?

You may be telling the truth, that the war was simply caused by Green power greed and misogyny, and as I said before, Viserys' negligence. I mean, they literally swore allegiance to the heiress to try to clear her later because of her gender. It is treason for and simple.

But no, it's apparently a misreading of the narrative to see the Greens as the "bad guys". I hallucinate…

Does this person know that a character can be gray and still be a protagonist or an antagonist in the story? Just because both sides contain gray characters, doesn't mean there isn't an antagonist or protagonist. The characters have roles to play and the Greens simply hold those of antagonist! It's pretty crazy to see such a lack of lucidity.

By the way, I loved repeating several times that Alicent as queen, one of the 5 most powerful people in the kingdom, the most powerful after the king himself, selling her feet so that Larys Strong, a man of lower rank than his obeys him, was consummately ridiculous. All this so that this person always ignores this point, never addressing it in his answers and of course emphasizing that no, Alicent is a strong character. She just isn't consumed by ambition and power unlike her counterpart in the book. I also had the right to the fact that apparently Alicent could do or say anything in relation to the decision to let Lucerys inherit or not from Lamarck against Vaemond and Otto. Um… IT'S THE FUCKING QUEEN! SHE IS SUPERIOR TO THEM IN EVERY WAY! She can completely impose her opinion, but she never does. Alicent is passive and a victim as possible. She is not complex. Also apparently the Alicent of the book has no nuance and is just the archetypal wicked stepmother… But that she's also apparently under Otto's influence all along, obeying him all the way… So she's the fucking boss in the book?! Where is she perpetually influenced by Otto?! She's the bump! I mean… Anyway. I really want to hug the real Alicent to console her for the massacre that her character was in this adaptation.

[tiphprince]

I was reading the Wizarding World article about the Patronus Charm, and found a couple of interesting things...

It’s described as “a pure, protective magical concentration of happiness and hope“ and that producing a Patronus is “generally considered a mark of superior magical ability“.

“In some cases a witch or wizard may choose to produce an incorporeal Patronus deliberately, if he or she wishes to disguise the form it generally takes.”

This is something that I can absolutely imagine Snape doing. We only see him using his Patronus twice, and these two times the appearance of his doe was needed, first to guide Harry to the sword and then to Dumbledore. But what about in POA, when Dementors were roaming the school grounds, and Lupin, who may have known the origins of his Patronus was around? I can see him using the less efficient version of his Patronus, both in case someone may have recognized it (or just because Snape and a doe, doesn’t really fit with his wannabe vampire reputation), or to even save himself from the pain of having to see Lily fly off to save him against the darkness of the Dementors.

“It may be that a true and confident belief in the rightness of one’s actions can supply the necessary happiness. However, most such men and women, who become desensitised to the effects of the Dark creatures with whom they may ally themselves, regard the Patronus as an unnecessary spell to have in their arsenal.”

Rowling uses here the example of Umbridge, who can obviously procude a Patronus while not being a “pure of heart” person, to show that people who “questionable morals” are also able to use this charm. But what I find the most interesting is the second part, about Dark Wizards being desensitised to the Dementors. Does this mean that they barely feel the cold and depression that the Dementors bring with them? Maybe because they don’t have as many pure happy memories to feed from? And what does it mean for Snape? He is a practitioner of Dark Magic, thus is a Dark Wizard, maybe not to the extent that Bellatrix is for example, but still. Does that make him less affected by Dark Creatures, so Dementors?

“The Patronus represents that which is hidden, unknown but necessary within the personality.”

“For it is evident [...] that a human confronted with inhuman evil, such as the Dementor, must draw upon resources he or she may never have needed, and the Patronus is the awakened secret self that lies dormant until needed, but which must now be brought to light...”

Isn’t this a perfect metaphor of Snape’s use of his Patronus? Of his secret, the biggest of the whole series, slowly cultivated for seven books? In the end, it was his love for Lily, symbolized by his doe Patronus, that was brought to light exactly when needed, and that enabled another (Harry) to fight off the darkness (Dementors/Voldemort).

And lastly, there’s this:

“The form of a Patronus may changed during the course of a witch or wizard’s life. Instances have been known of the form of the Patronus transforming due to bereavement, falling in love or profound shifts in a person’s character.”

I kept that last part in the quote because I think that all three examples here can apply to Snape, which I find very interesting. But what intrigues me the most, is what the article isn’t saying. After this quote, Rowling uses Tonks’s Patronus as an illustration, and not Snape’s. Of course Tonks’s Patronus is the most explicit one to have changed, or in fact the only one we know of for sure.

Other Patronuses are mentioned throughout the article, Umbridge’s, Remus’s, and there’s mentions of cats, horses and dogs as corporeal Patronuses. But nothing about the most important Patronus in the story, Snape’s doe.

My theory has always been that Snape’s Patronus was simply always a doe. Two people can have similar Patronuses, it’s both written in the article again, and we have the example of McGonagall and Umbridge (I always found it amusing that McGonagall’s “biggest rival” shares the same Patronus, at least same species).

“However, every Patronus is as unique as its creator and even identical twins have been known to produce very different Patronuses.”

Meaning that Snape’s doe would have differed from Lily’s. In what way, we don’t know, but it wouldn’t have been a perfect copy. A doe Patronus uniquely belonging to Snape, that would represent him, and not her. And this, I love.

[kitsu-katsu]

On kiribaku becoming canon and their evidence:

So I posted this on reddit earlier, but wanted to have it here where more KRBK shippers are, since I just ended up compiling a lot more than I thought I would.

Fair warning: A pretty big text with a compilation of kiribaku moments ahead.

We would all love kiribaku being canon, and I think it's not as much of a longshot as some may lead you to believe.

Honestly, if one of them was a girl, this would most certainly be canon, like, just in the anime we have:

Them becoming friends slowly in the background, leaving us with good development between them that is so seamless it can hit you hard once you notice how close they've become if you hadn't noticed before.

Them arriving and leaving the pool together while walking in the sunset.

They support and compliment each other (both on personality and quirks, like come on).

Kirishima can just lean on Bakugou or side hug him all the time and Bakugou lets him with no problem, which considering who we're talking about is a pretty big thing.

Kirishima can seem even more agitated than Deku about Bakugou being taken, and Deku is the one who idolized him since childhood.

The whole "It has to be you" thing and the precious hand holding (including that little scene after the rescue, where Kiri tries to grab Baku's hand again).

Kirishima bought expensive night vision googles in case they were useful for the rescue even though they had Yaomomo with them (this boy goes through extremes just to ensure his boyfriend's best friend's safety)

Kirishima is officially the one Bakugou considers an equal, and considering his conflicting inferiority and superiority complexes (making him perpetually place people as above him or beneath him) is vital information.

Kirishima is esentially Bakugou's first real friend (as Deku was considered more of an incomprehensible nuisance and his childhood troop seemed more like his followers who just put him up on a pedestal and followed what he did).

Kirishima has jumped in front of danger for Bakugou's sake quite a bit of times (including a time in the movie).

Kirishima is a central piece in Bakugou's character development.

Bakugou was the one who told Kirishima he was strong and gave him his confidence back, reminding him of what he said at the start of their friendship.

Kirishima unlocked fucking UNBREAKABLE because of Bakugou's encouragement.

Going to extra stuff:

Bakugou's favourite hobbie is hiking, and we're shown he takes Kirishima with him sometimes, thing he doesn't seem to do with other characters.

The whole festival thing, with the narrator outright assuming Bakugou must have given his coat to a pretty girl who was cold, only for it to be revealed in another picture that he gave it to Kirishima because as usual, he didn't have a shirt on.

On the movie Bakugou could have taken anyone to I-Island and took Kirishima as his plus one. They share a room. Kirishima bought suits for both of them, with the most detailed one with white roses being for Bakugou, and they decide to go to the party together.

In a BNHA Smash connected directly to the movie, Midoriya notices the white roses in Bakugou's suit and notes that they mean deep respect and "I'm the one for you", which prompts Bakugou to send an explosion his way (not to Kirishima who gave him the suit, mind you), which makes the flowers turn red (from blood), after which Mineta appears to say that red roses mean "beautiful and passionate love".

They are usually seen together in merch stuff.

There's this tumblr post talking about japanese fan's reactions to one of Horikoshi's drawings which I find at least hilarious:

https://exbrodokills.tumblr.com/post/187710597637/here-it-is

There are discussions regarding Kirishima's character sheet and the translation of him liking "tough guys" (here's a podt by aitaikimochi explaining the meaning of the translation: https://www.google.com/amp/s/aitaikimochi.tumblr.com/post/171127708911/amp) where even translator such as aitaikimochi have gotten into, and they have mentioned that there's a japanese stereotype of a type of gay guy who is obsessed with "manly behaviour" and usually stay away from women, prefering tough guys instead, which is interesting to say the least.

Some of the light novel episodes which show more slice of life moment feature some good kiribaku moments, with a prominent one being this one wich details their study date (it seriously seems like fan fiction, not even kidding, and this is supposed to be sort of canon):

https://www.google.com/amp/s/aitaikimochi.tumblr.com/post/171236111166/amp

Also there's a chapter where Kirishima tells Fatgum about Bakugou being extremely happy, and another one where they are arm wrestling between classes and they cheer for one another heavily.

(Honesly, just go through aitaikimochi's whole kiribaku tag, there are some pretty interesting things there)

Here are some analysis on their possible coding, if you guys are interested:

https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1dxO6Y0yK_wxOJDmRsBYvsVWKwsH7tKc92skxJ--R1m4/edit?usp=drivesdk

(Bakugou's one link can be found at the end of that one)

And in BNHA Smash, there are quite a lot of things, and we must not forget that the whole thing still gets approved by Horikoshi before being published, some of my favourite things are:

Kirishima inviting Bakugou to spend christmas together, with the translators noting christmas in Japan to be a romantic holiday in the same panel.

In one issue, Jirou falls for Kiri and him being oblivious just leaves her for Bakugou.

Once Bakugou becomes a shoujo boy after being his with a quirk and just involuntarily talks in flirt, and in one moment Kirishima outright flirts back.

Bakugou works his ass off to repay Kirishima for the night vision googles they used in the rescue.

Kirishima is literally described as the chicken soup for Bakugou's soul!

An interesting thing I found out is that in the chapter where all of 1A minus Bakugou turn into animals, one scene originally had Kirishima (as a dog) getting jealous of Kaminari and Midoriya petting Tsuyu (as a cat - yes I know, a cat) and giving all their attention to her, however, Horikoshi himself changed that scene, noting he didn't think their character relations worked well in that scene, and made it so that the one that ended up in smash contains Kirishima (as a dog) getting jealous because Todoroki (as a koala) has climbed up Bakugou's torso and won't let go. I saw this all in a tumblr post a few months ago, which showed the original scene in a book (I think it was in italian and was translates below) but I can't currently find the link, sorry, if someone finds it, It'd be appreciated if you could reblog with said link.

And in regards to meta stuff, the show already has some LGBT characters in it, with Magne and Tiger being trans and Toga being bisexual, so it's not as much of a lost cause to hope for this as it would initially seem.

(Please kirimina shippers, don't take offence because of this, it isn't my intention to insult your ship, I simply want to analize what has been given to us, so please try to take this lightly):

We should also take into consideration Krishima's first version in the sort of "beta" for the manga (where Midoriya was Yamikumo).

His character sheet mentions he's quite the delinquent and entered UA to impress a girl. Obviously his character evolved tremendously since then, but the girl was most probably intended to be Mina's equivalent. This was later changed to him liking "tough guys"/"hard liners" and his thing with Mina became more of an "I admired your bravery and heroic spirit when in middle school even if I hardly knew you", later seeing each other and establishing more of a little friendship. However, it hasn't really moved further from there, and Kirishima has already established much stronger bonds with our favourite exploding boy. All changes in characters are made for a reason, and Horikoshi clearly changed his mind on Kirishima's motives for wanting to be a hero and his relationship with Mina.

So yeah, all in all, this ship is great, it's precious, adorable, helps both characters grow, is balanced and has good chemistry. So even if after all these things they don't become officially canon, we still have so much canon material for them in the present I'd honestly still be happy, these dorks make me smile and melt my heart, so I hope they both have good endings.

[overthinkinglotr]

Can I just ask what...is the contest for the Boorman adaptation? I mean... This is not a normal movie script, right?

YAY OBSCURE LOTR ADAPTATIONS TALK TIME!!! (We’re talking about the context of John Boorman’s LOTR, the one where Frodo has sex with Galadriel)

OK SO

Yes, John Boorman’s screenplay is so completely baffling and incoherent that it seems like it can’t possibly be real. I really don’t know for sure if the draft that’s floating around the internet is really the Real Thing. However-- the weirdest aspects of that screenplay seem to be corroborated by other sources?

Some sources say the screenplay exists in physical form at Marquette University, but idk if that’s the version that’s online. Maybe it is!

And I’ve come across multiple sources discussing the scene where Gimli gets beaten up and buried alive to “unlock his magic ancestral memories,” the infamous poorly written Frodo/Galadriel sex scene, etc.

But again! I personally don’t know how reliable all these sources are. A lot of the old Reliable Sources discussing the screenplay have kinda just Vanished off the internet, and finding Definitive Confirmation would take some digging. That someone else can do, because I’m not good at this. :P

But I’ll throw information at you and you can decide what’s real--

Here’s what I DO know for certain is true:

In the 1970s, John Boorman approached United Artists with a pitch for a movie based on Arthurian legends (which would later become the film Excalibur.) UA turned him down, thinking Arthurian legends weren’t marketable enough.

They instead commissioned him to write a screenplay for a live-action film adaptation of Lord of the Rings.They were kinda like “Lord of the Rings, Arthurian legends....same thing, they both have a wizard and a medieval sword guy in it. But Lotr is popular right now, so well have this guy write a tolkien thing. Someone who likes arthur legends will also be good at writing lord of the rings, because they’re basically the same.”

(But like...they’re not, obviously. King Arthur legends are a bunch of folklore that doesn’t have one single ‘plot.” Writing a King Arthur film means using a few characters and some famous imagery and throwing them in a medieval setting to vibe together, creating the film’s plot by cherry-picking the Arthur stories you like most and throwing them together in a blender. But Lord of the Rings isn’t like that! It isn’t a collection of folkloric stories with no clear plot! Lord of the Rings is ultimately a single story with a single coherent plot! Someone who wants to adapt their own take on something as plotless as  folklore might really Struggle to adapt a plot-heavy book like LOTR!)

So anyway, John Boorman wrote this screenplay for them.

But John Boorman’s movie was never made.

Why was it never made?

Here’s where we get into some SUPER FUN “unreliable narrator” territory!!!!

John Boorman’s claim:

According to John Boorman in his biography, the film was never made because UA was tight on money and the special effects required were simply too expensive for the 1970s.

Boorman really did try very hard to make his screenplay good! According to Boorman, he and his writing partner Rospo Pallenberg  “covered all the walls of a room with a breakdown of all the scenes in all three volumes,” “drew a map of middle earth,” “wrote detailed analyses of all the characters,” and spent several weeks devising a structure for the film. Then they wrote the script together-- Boorman wrote one scene, Pallenberg the next.

But alas, it was too expensive to film in live-action. The technology just wasn’t there yet.

So the studio was forced to have the film made by an animator, Ralph Bakshi.

Boorman says that Tolkien wrote a letter to him saying that he approved of his screenplay (which Tolkien hadn’t read) solely because it was going to be a live-action movie. Tolkien hated animation. Boorman says that Tolkien’s death “spared him” the horrible pain of seeing his story adapted into animation. According to Boorman the problem with the Bakshi film (which he never saw) was that it was animated, and therefore inherently bad. Unlike Boorman’s script, which was an amazing work of art that would’ve been a wonderful live-action (and therefore inherently superior) movie!!! If only it was made! Boorman mentions that the working conditions on the Bakshi film were horrible (because they were) and laments that budget constraints meant the studio was forced to sell the movie to a low-down NO GOOD “ANIMATOR!” >:((((

BUT

Ralph Bakshi, obviously, tells a very different story!

Ralph Bakshi’s Claim:

According to Bakshi, John Boorman’s screenplay was so UTTERLY incoherent that it was unusable. UA gave Bakshi the rights to make a film because they had paid a million dollars for a trash script, and now they were dealing with the Sunk Cost Fallacy(tm). Bakshi was allowed to make his film because UA had wasted so much money on Boorman that they were desperate for ANYONE to use the Lord of the Rings IP in a way that wasn’t completely incoherent and could make sOME money:

“I thought, ‘Wait a minute, why don’t I go make the film?’ recalls Bakshi. “So I call up Mike Medavoy and I go to United Artists, which in those days were on the same lot as MGM. In the main building on one side of the building was MGM — which Dan Melnick ran in those days — and on the other side was Mike Medavoy at UA. I went to see Mike in his office and he says,

“Look, I’ve got this (John Boorman) script and I don’t understand it. I never read the book. We don’t want to make the picture. What do you want to do?’ I said, ‘I want to animate it. Three pictures.’

He said, ‘We don’t want the picture. What we want is our three million dollars back for the screenplay that we paid Boorman. So I’ll give you the rights, and if you can get our money back you can make the picture any way you want.’ True story.”

So it is a fun game of, which director of a failed unfinished LOTR project do you believe?

John Boorman later reused a lot of his Lord of the Rings script ideas for his film Excalibur. I haven’t seen the full thing, but the film kinda feels like proto-Game of Thrones? I feel like it adds credence to the idea that the bad screenplay was real-- a lot of the weird way Boorman writes women/gender in Excalibur is reflected in the parodically awful FrodoXGaladriel Fanfic Stuff.

Plus, I’ve seen the Andrew Davies BBC adaptation of Les Miserables! And ithat adaptation is so terrible that I can believe that the nonsense in the Boorman screenplay, like FrodoxGaladriel, can seem perfectly reasonable if you approach it from the perspective of a mediocre middle-aged male writer. :/ Anyway! But my BBC Les Mis Salt isn’t really relevant here! :D

But yeah! That’s some context I have on hand. The exciting fun story of the Lotr movie that was never made! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

[ladyvader23]

The School Play

For @slx99, who inspired me to write this little Dad Vader piece! I also have no idea if walrus’ exist in the Star Wars universe, but THEY DO NOW! 

I also take requests!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vader stared in horror at the announcement slip his children had brought home from preschool. 

Apparently, the children would be putting on a play--or, rather, a presentation, if the description was anything to go by. The school had the children research a topic, and the children would be putting on a dramatic retelling of what they’d learned. It actually sounded terribly boring, but he’d read in that parenting book the children’s pediatrician had given him that supporting their interests, including school activities, helped foster confidence in children. An important quality in the two most important children in the galaxy, even if his presence would terrify everyone else in the room. 

The problem wasn’t the boring play. It was what his son was signed up to be. 

A walrus. 

A walrus. 

Leia had a stormtrooper, which was normal enough. But Luke had a walrus? How in the galaxy had he even had the misfortune of getting such an unfortunate aquatic creature?! 

He looked up at Miss Laena, who’d handed him the announcement slip in the first place. “My son will not play a walrus in front of a crowd of people!” 

The school the children went to was full of senator’s children, as well as other important Imperial figures, such as Grand Moffs, generals, and the like. Vader doubted most of those important figures would actually be at the play; most likely, their partners or nannies would go. But it did not matter. Word would spread fast that the son of Darth Vader had played a walrus. 

“Luke is very excited about the play, my lord.” Miss Laena said carefully. “It’s all he’s been talking about for weeks, now. I even helped him make the costume.” 

His stomach dropped. “There’s a costume?” 

It just got worse and worse. 

“Yes, my lord. I might be able to pull together another one in time, but it will break his heart.” 

Vader gritted his teeth. If this was any other assignment, he’d tell the boy to deal with whatever he chose for him, but he also didn’t need him crying on stage in front of everyone because he was unhappy. 

He would need to convince him. 

“Summon my son. I will speak with him.” 

Miss Laena hurried to do so, and soon the tiny form of his son came running into his office, immediately climbing (uninvited) into his lap. Vader had no change to stop him before his little arms wrapped around his neck with a hug. 

Despite the dire situation, he couldn’t help but melt a little under the embrace. 

“Hi daddy!” Luke said, pulling away after a moment, settling in comfortably on his leg. “Am I in trouble?” 

Perhaps that was the reason for the immediate hug. He would need to discourage such behavior in the future. 

“No, my son.” He reached up and ruffled his hair. “I just wanted to know why you were assigned to be a walrus in this play.” 

Luke brightened. “Oh! I’m going to be a walrus, daddy!” 

“Yes, but why?” Perhaps he hadn’t understood the phrasing of his first question. He struggled to speak on a level the twins would understand, at times. 

“Because I like them.” 

Vader winced. That would make it harder to convince him to change topics. 

“But why?” 

Luke shrugged. “They look funny.” 

And that was precisely why he didn’t want him to play a walrus in the first place. “Why don’t I help you choose something diff--” he cut off as Luke’s expression immediately began to fall, his eyes watering. 

“No, daddy, I wanna be a walrus!” 

Damn. 

Already, just from his presence alone, Vader could tell it would be far more of a fight to force him to choose something else than to just do the walrus. 

“...I will need to have a word with the school. But fine.” 

Immediately the tears were gone, and Luke threw his arms around him again before climbing off and running to find his sister. Vader watched after him, wondering how his children had so thoroughly wrapped him around their fingers, before he pulled up his datapad to send a message to the school principal to order that no footage be allowed at the play. 

If Luke insisted, he could at least make sure the incident was nothing more than a strange, unconfirmed rumor. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The night of the play, he’d debated on pretending his schedule was too full to attend. That way, perhaps no one would notice that the son of Darth Vader was dressed as a walrus. It wasn’t like he didn’t have plenty of things to do instead anyway, but every time he thought about not showing up, the imagined disappointment in his children’s faces when they returned home was enough to guilt him into keeping the time reserved for the play. 

That didn’t mean he didn’t show up at the last possible second before they closed the doors for the performance. 

Naturally, the moment he walked in, a hush fell over the crowd of nannies and parents. He made a face when he recognized a few important officials there who were also apparently trying to be good parents despite their schedules. Normally he could respect that, but today of all days, he wished they’d remained at work. 

The principal, a short, portly man, came rushing over not long after he’d found a corner to stand in. “I have issued a strict no recording policy as you wished, Lord Vader.” 

“Good.” Vader crossed his arms, looking over his head to the curtained stage. “Because if there is any recording of my children distributed, I will personally pay you a visit.” 

The man paled, gulped, and nodded. “Understood, my lord.” Then he turned and rushed off. 

Moments later, the lights dimmed, and an announcement was made over a microphone to remind everyone of the very fact that no recording was allowed. He half expected them to use him as an excuse, but they mentioned nothing of the rule being a direct order from him. 

Hm. He might have mentioned it just to make sure, but if he had to dispose of the principal, he would not lose sleep over it. His children barely knew the man and wouldn’t notice if he disappeared. Perhaps he’d do it anyway just for the fact that someone in his staff showed the boy a picture of the infernal animal in the first place. 

Once the announcement was made, the “play” began. Sure enough, it was less of a play and more of various small children of different species in costumes reciting facts about whatever they’d researched for the parents. This was followed up by polite clapping, which he did not participate in. They were not his children, after all. He did not care, and he thought most of them were terribly boring anyway. 

He was also certain that none of these children had actually done their own research. What a complete waste of time and resources. 

But then came Leia. Somehow, Miss Laena had managed to help her construct an almost perfect replica of a stormtrooper armor set, fit perfectly to her petite size. The only thing that he could tell was real was the helmet, which she carried in her arms as more of a prop than anything else. 

When she walked onto the stage...as he suspected she would, she immediately acted as though the entire room was there for her. She squared her shoulders, looking over the audience with as high and mighty of a look that an almost five year old could muster. 

“Stormtroopers are soldiers who help protect the Empire.” She spoke clearly into the microphone. It was...well, as natural as a four year old could get, and a pang went through his chest at the thought of her suddenly looking very much like a mini version of her mother. “They serve over the whole Empire. They can be foot soldiers, or fly TIE fighters, like my daddy does.” 

He wondered if that was something she was supposed to say, or if she said it just because she was proud of what he did for a living. Not that she knew the full extent of that, but...he offered a rare, unseen smile nonetheless. 

“This is a real stormtrooper helmet. My friend let me use it tonight.” Friend? What friend? “Stormtroopers are not like clone troopers. They’re normal people like you and me.” 

He refrained from snorting at that. In his opinion, Clone Troops were far superior, but the Emperor did not seem to care for that opinion. 

“There’s also lots of types of stormtroopers. You can tell what they are because of their uniform. In conclusion, stormtroopers are pretty cool and I like them. They keep us safe, and are friends to all.” 

That...didn’t really make sense. But she was four, and again, probably had her lines written by someone else. Still, when she finished and did a little curtsy, he clapped proudly for the first time the entire show, then watched as she practically skipped off stage. 

Then...it was Luke’s turn. 

It was an experience to have one child give a basic but Imperial pride-supporting speech, then directly afterwards have another child walk out wearing a walrus costume to talk about an animal he’d never even personally seen before. He was sure that anyone who knew Luke was his son probably had a lot of questions he’d never answer right about now. 

But there Luke was, walking out wearing a well made, but monstrosity of a costume. He wore a dark gray, long-sleeved tunic that reached his knees, except that the sleeves ended well past where he knew Luke’s hands to be, and the end was in the shape of walrus flippers. A tail flopped around with each step Luke took, and his head was almost completely engulfed by a walrus-face hood. The face opening was framed by two giant tusks, what he supposed were whiskers, and at the top of the hood, giant eyes that Vader could swear were staring into his soul. 

And underneath, Luke had obviously painted his face. Probably the same color as the tunic. 

Half of Vader wanted to have the ground open up and swallow him whole. The other half was admittedly impressed with the lengths his son had put his nanny up to in making this costume. He was also dead certain that if Luke looked back on this costume as an adult, he’d be embarrassed beyond all reason. 

“Walruses are water animals who live on water worlds like Mon Cala.” Luke began, just as confidently as Leia. It was also obvious he was very proud of the whole thing; he was bouncing a bit in excitement, causing the tail to flop around constantly. Nearby, Vader heard a few parents coo adoringly at the display. 

He wondered if it would be noticeable if he used the Force to hold his son in place. 

“They can dive deep in the water, but they like to stay near land. They are really, really fat. Also, both the girls and the boy walruses have tusks, like this!” He reached up and tugged on the tusks, earning chuckles from the crowd. 

Well. Both of his children definitely liked to use visual aids. It was interesting to know, at least. 

“They also live for a super long time. Forty years!” Luke lifted his flipper-hands up in excitement. “They also can live in the cold because they’re fat. They like to eat fish. And they make these really funny noises, like--” then Luke proceeded to demonstrate, and more laughter erupted around the room. 

As well as Luke was doing, Vader couldn’t help but curse whoever had even shown the cursed animal to his son. He would definitely be finding a replacement for the principal after he was through with him. 

What had he done to encourage such a fascination with the animal? He was from the desert, so this had to be something from his mother’s side of the family, he was sure of it. 

But Luke seemed pleased by the audience’s reaction. He himself would have to ensure this incident never left this room, but at least his son was happy. 

“So yeah, I like walruses. They’re funny looking, and that’s why I chose to tell you about them.” Then, with that said, Luke made a bow, and the audience erupted in far more clapping than had been heard the entire night. Luke straightened, grinned, then ran off stage, his tail and flippers flapping wildly behind him. 

Well. It was certainly the most interesting part of the night, he thought as he clapped for his son. And despite being a walrus, his son was perfect. Just...had some odd interests that he sincerely hoped he grew out of. 

When the show ended, Vader waited uncomfortably by the doors for his children. Plenty of parents and their costumed kids walked by, all giving him a wide berth. He ignored them all, scanning the crowd for his children. He could sense them coming, but for whatever reason, they kept stopping. 

Finally, he saw the small figures of Luke and Leia pushing their way through their crowd, beaming smiles on their faces when they saw him. 

“Daddy!” Leia crowed, and he quickly reached out to place his hands on their shoulders before they could try to hug him. He had grown used to their hugs in private, but they were still learning that it was not permitted in public. “Did you like my play?” 

“You did well.” He confirmed, patting her head, which caused her to make a face and pull away. 

“Don’t mess up my hair.” She muttered. 

Luke had pulled the hood down and his painted face looked up at him. “What about mine, daddy? Lots of people told me they liked it.” He paused, frowning. “Did you?” 

Vader paused, deciding how to phrase it. He did not like that he was parading around in a ridiculous walrus costume, but the whole point of him coming to this ridiculous excuse for a play was to support his children and build their confidence. He could not ruin it by telling his son that he hated the animal he was portraying. “You played your performance well, my son. I am proud of you both.” 

Yes. That seemed safe. And to his satisfaction, the twins beamed up at him. But the moment was ruined when Luke asked, “Can we go to Mon Cala to see the walruses?” 

“Yeah! Let’s go, daddy!” Leia added. 

He paused for a few breaths of the respirator. “Mon Cala...is not safe for humans.” 

Luke frowned. “But my friend said he went, and--” 

“Why don’t I take you to a zoo, instead?” Then maybe Luke would see a different, less embarrassing animal to portray next time. Or maybe he’d lose interest in animals completely. 

Luke considered for a moment, then nodded. “Okay daddy.” He paused. “Can I be a walrus for Trick Or Treat?” 

Again, he paused, trying to come up with an answer that would not hurt his son’s feelings. “Why don’t you wait until after we go to the zoo?” 

Luke also seemed to accept this answer, and Vader took his children's hands in his own, and led them from the theater. 

Vader made sure to give pointed glares at anyone who dared look their way.

[timerainseternal]

Who’s your favorite character of tua and why

I enjoy most of the characters in Umbrella Academy, but my favorite is Five! As for why, there are a lot of reasons, but I think, writing-wise it's because I don't know what he will do at any given moment, but I trust where he's going. This is a difficult balance to pull off, but I'll try to explain exactly what I mean and why I feel that way.

Firstly, I don't know what he'll do, which makes him interesting to watch. He's full of contradictions in many ways, he's very resourceful, and he's written as someone who is extremely smart. (Though another thing I find interesting is that unlike with many other "genius" characters, intelligence--as in knowledge or ability like with his scribbling-on-the-walls math--isn't his primary trait, at least not to me. Before that I would say that he is at least determined, as well as resourceful in a way that isn't linked strictly to book smarts. Instead, he's driven on sustained desperation that "geniuses" never seem to get in media, and even though he's so smart and generally competent, his plans often or always fail, which I actually made a whole post about. Even further, we know he's 58, so his knowledge is based not only on natural ability, but also a lot of work and time, which is also not the general presentation. We know he's smart, but figuring out time travel took him a whole lifetime.) Anyway, even his power set is...fluidly defined. I don't know what plans he will make, or what side effects will follow--only that, based on past experience, side effects will follow. As such, I'm very entertained watching him constantly pivoting and coming up with new ideas and plans, especially since I think he gets more plot turns than anyone else in the series, or at least is a more active force in those turns.

His choices also showcase the desperation that is at the core of him, and the moral greyness that comes from it. He's not bound by normal considerations like most of the others are; often, he doesn't even consider them. What might be off-limits to others isn't off-limits to him (which is like his powers in a funny kind of way). But really, it all stems from the fact of having lost everything with his 45-year stint in the apocalypse and the loneliness that comes from that. It's an interesting philosophical thought experiment. What are morals in a dead world? What are a few thousand people compared to the end of humanity? What are we if everything else gets stripped away?

And for Five, the answer is not in the violence we've seen him commit, but instead the love he shows. He was presented as a prickly genius who is smarter than everyone and knows everything (like he says to Allison in ep 1) and who is also a time-travelling assassin hardened by decades in a wasteland. We expect competence, cold calculation, and a near-complete lack of empathy. But then we meet Dolores, and we learn that he's doing everything for his family, and we see that everything he does is for love of other people. Specific other people, sure, but love nonetheless. And he isn't cool about it, isn't aloof; he's lost it all before, and he's desperate, and nothing he does--despite what most shows tell you about geniuses--really fixes any problem completely, and especially not the relationships that got broken when he left.

Yet even despite all that, he's also predictable in a way that lets me trust him. Obviously, as an audience, we see how pressing and devastating the apocalypse is. It's the end. Yet none of the other characters understand that the way we do, or the way Five does. His ultimate goal is to stop that from happening and protect his family, and given his life experience, I know that there is nothing that will stop him as long as he's around. I trust that his character will make decisions towards an end goal that I agree with as the audience, and that as long as that remains true, I know that even if I don't know where he's going with a plan, I can at least trust his intent. Even with the Commission, where he worked as an assassin and presumably murdered innocents, the end goal is great enough that it makes sense. Moreover, though, is that once we see that his motivation is for love and to protect, not from a place of sadism or superiority, and that he will even listen to others to find a less violent workaround (as with Luther in s1), I trust his intentions even more.

That's part of what makes the murder of the Board, and then the aftermath, so interesting: it's a study in contradiction, the urge to be violent and feel seen and effective and successful, contrasted with a sense of guilt and remorse and an understanding that it's not the best version of himself. He's warring with those instincts, but the writers have portrayed him in a way that allows for understanding and sympathy.

For another thing, as I think @the-aro-ace-arrow-ace mentioned, given his unique standing as both 13 and 58, he can't really have a romantic relationship to pull him away like the others can, nor do I think he would if he could, considering the timespan the show tends to give him. He's not really in the mindset for romance at all, and especially not a romance that would distract him from his goals. Not only was Dolores an extension of his own mind for a long time, but also was one he was willing to abandon, first going with the Handler, then again towards the end of season 1. Not only does this make his goals less likely to be swayed from what I, as an audience member, consider to be important, but also romance as the sort of "love at first sight, I will prioritize you over everyone else without any real merit behind it" is always a bit flimsy to me. Maybe I'm a little too aromantic to get it, but I generally find it a bit distracting at best unless done really well. (I did like Raymond and Allison as a couple. I thought that was done really well, where they had time and chemistry and respect for each other, and I enjoyed the time they spent together. It doesn't hurt that Allison is my second favorite, but it stands well even besides that. It's just a good relationship.)

Finally, all of that plays into Five's relationships with others. He isn't good at being a social creature (understandable), yet that's what he values most: his family. He wants to be empathetic--and in many cases he can be--but he's battling his own inability to be understood. He doesn't even fully understand himself in the world he left when he was a child. In a very real sense, he can't do what has become most important to him--not that his siblings are the best role models for communication. It makes sense, then, that he was able to seemingly connect with Reginald. Five wants to connect with the people he missed and felt like he wronged, no matter if he actually was in the wrong or not. He so often gets ignored/misunderstood/considered crazy that even as someone just watching that conversation, it felt cathartic for him to be listened to and taken seriously, even if I think Reginald is the absolute worst and that the best thing for him to do would be to stay dead. Five thought he was being the most rational of his siblings in that supper, but he didn't realize that his biases were as strong or stronger, and just had a different root. His relationships with others are his strongest desire/goal/motivator, but he has such a distorted perception of the way the world works on a daily, interpersonal level and also who he is in that world, that he can't really make it work right, and that's really neat to watch.

In my mind, also, what Five is looking for isn't actually his family from 2019. It isn't even his family from 2002, or at least not just them. I think that what he wants is to be who he was when he left, before he got stuck in the apocalypse. He wants his family because he loves them--I don't doubt that, and I don't want to discredit it--but also because I think in some sense he believes that if he can just be with them again, he can make things the way they used to be, the way he used to be. He's kind of like Luther in that regard, except that Luther is beginning to move on, and Five is stuck in it. The tragedy in this, of course, is that he's the time traveller here, and no matter what time he goes to, his only choice is forwards for himself. He can't go back, even if he reaches the exact moment he left. This, of course, is speculation--or analysis, if we use the kinder term--but I think it shows how much can be read into his character based on his choices and narrative arc, and that in itself is interesting whether it was intended or not.

So, that's an overly long answer to your question! It's Five because I think he's interesting, and I think he's interesting because the writers have backed themselves into a corner where he kind of has to be. I hope that was what you were looking for!

[thegoodomensdumpster]

I WATCHED GOOD OMENS IN FRENCH SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO

and it wasn’t that bad. Here are my thoughts, barely edited as I wrote most of them while watching the show.

EP 1

OK i like god’s voice so far

possibilité d’embarras gastrique is a good formulation, I wonder if it’s the same in the book ( I think I kinda need to read it in french now...)

aghghdhgs « primo-délinquants »

of course subtitles don’t match the audio for a variety of technical reasons but when you get things that have very different underlying meanings i find it… not good This one about Crowley being evil / a demon : subtitles : « c’est ton travail » - « it’s your job » audio : « c’est dans ta nature » - « it’s in your nature » i mean dang

crowley sounds like a little shit asking az about his sword

« T’AS FAIT QUOUA » - he just loses his shit (kinda giving me some le coeur a ses raisons vibe)

ok crowley sounds very nerdy when he tries to explain that he took down the phone network, i think i actually like this voice acting

ligur sounds… very suave (im a little ill at ease)

crowley getting called mon chou by satan freddie mercury is a thumb up from me

i see the part where aziraphale speaks japanese wasn’t dubbed over and we can still hear michael sheen. it’s a bit disturbing considering french aziraphale has a higher pitched voice (and he sounds soooo much more anxious than sheen, give this angel a xanax )

“sandwich bœuf cresson” ( beef and cress sandwich ) deirdre really who makes this kind of sandwiches

im being reminded that the chattering nuns prepared little cut outs for their explanation about the antichrist switch… such dedication to useless crafts (it made me laugh on my first viewing and it’s still funny to imagine that some of them either ordered or built these things themselves just so they could make this two minutes long presentation for the most important act of their satanic nun careers)

retire-toi vil démon infernal, créature des abysses XD i swear az doesn’t sound even remotely convinced when he is saying the « get thee behind me foul fiend » line in french, it’s just too over the top for credibility, it sounds like it’s straight out of some super intense dnd session

they still can’t say bouillabaisse (which, like, weird because french, but still valid). nice touch is crowley couldn’t say soupe de poisson (fish stew) either and said poupe de soisson (sish ftew)

warlock mah boy how can you be a teenager and not like dinosaurs

c’est un dinosaure un nullosaure plutôt - apply burn heal

La façon dont warlock s’est exclamé « C’EST NUL » m’a fait penser au nain de naheulbeuk

the english version has nothing on french speaking aziraphale for the second hand embarrassement during the magic tour. it’s over 9000 i literally hid my head in my jumper when he was presenting harry the bunny. Horrible experience, 0/20, would not recommend

EP 2

oooh agnes has a lovely voice !

why is young newton having such a quality dub for the three sentences he has to say

dick turpin’s name is jesse james (tbf dick turpin is not known AT ALL in france, i discovered him reading good omens)

shadwell is pure chaos (as expected). No particular accent for him though, the chaotic energy was probably enough. Would have made me laugh if he had like, a chti or a marseilles accent.

aziraphale is so fucking stressed out by crowley’s driving i thought he was gonna explode

« tu es un gentil garçon » => « you’re a nice boy » said az to crowley DANG THAT’S SO INFANTILIZING AZIRAPHALE YOU’RE TALKING TO A DEMON FROM HELL NOT TO PINOCCHIO

ARGH FIRST MON ANGE OF THE SERIES i’m hit straight in the heart

anathema’s mom doesn’t have a spanish / latino accent at all when talking in spanish…. why...

dog being called toutou is definitely adorable (it’s basically « doggy » but way cuter imo)

tickety-boo has become ça gaze. that’s valid. it’s corny but i still use it unironically from time to time so ... i stan

EP 3

« je répands la fomentation » « i’m here spreading foment » « quoi tu fais des crêpes au froment ?????? »  « what you’re making crêpes with wheat ??? » love the fact that we shoehorned in one more ref to crêpes

az called crowley mon cher camarade, unintentionnal communist propaganda ftw

« pas de repos pour les… bah, pour les bons » « no rest for the… good »  – az was so deflated about the ineptitude he realized he was saying, he felt zero percent commited to his sentence

i was wondering how they would play aziraphale not being able to speak french in the bastille and they opted to have him stutter a bit and say to his executionner « excuse me i’m anxious » XD

« vous êtes le 999e aristo à mourir par mes soins. Mais vous êtes le premier en costume beige » « you’re the 999th aristocrat I’m going to kill, but the first one in beige attire » yeah i guess now that az isn’t english anymore his most noticeable feature is his cream aesthetic

« c’est au cas où ça tournerait en eau de boudin » « j’ADORE le boudin » => « in case it all goes pear shape » - the literal translation featuring food in french is « turning into black sausage water ». I don’t know what pear shaped inspires to english native speakers but the mere mention of boudin always make me giggle, it’s such a funny word and such a funny food

OH !!! no terrence rampa for the tv series, we’ve got anthony J. rampa. Rip terrence petit démon parti trop tôt :’(

« tu roules trop vite pour moi rampa » SERIOUSLY i know we can still infer « rouler » (here as in driving, but literally rolling) as a metaphor for their relationship but you could have said TU VAS TROP VITE that would have been so much better argh

has anathema got an emergency stock of potteries to break in case of emotionnal crisis ?

« Rampa, un démon très futé, il m’oblige à redoubler d’effort » « crowley, a very clever demon, he forces me to make double the amount of effort » oh so admitting you’re making an effort there aziraphale ? :))))))

dang i really want to know how shadwell said that major milk bottle died because not only did he die in combat but aziraphale’s reaction is a bit intense, it must have been quite a tale (this could be a crack fic prompt : «The Epic Tale of the Death Of Major Witchfinder Milk Bottle, by Sargent Witchfinder Shadwell» )

des sorcières et des phénomènes sorciéreux x)

CROWLEY CALLED AZIRAPHALE DUCON ?????? EXCUSE ME ????? #NotMyCrowley #CrowleyWouldNeverDoThat  #CancelAnthonyJRampa2K20  => ducon would be an insult, the gathering of du and con, con being a very nasty but common swear word, and associating it with du- makes it extremely patronizing. it’s like « absolute pathetic digraceful moron +++ ». thanks i hate it *frowny face *

EP 4

l’apocalypse c’est pour aujourd’hui juste après le goûter : it could be translated as « apocalypse is scheduled for today right after tea time » except that « goûter » is not quite tea time but rather the little sugary snack kids take when they come back from school and that most adults drop out of (i haven’t and i’m sure az hasn’t either). thanks aziraphale for having exclusively food related notion of the time because tbh same

ligur has no right to be this sexy between ariyon bakare and his french voice actor that’s just not allowed

radio crowley’s voice vs french ligur’s voice, who has the sexiest voice : FIGHT

(jk french agnes nutter’s voice is by far the sexiest)

gender neutral doesn’t ‘quite’ exist in french but pollution has been assigned a female voice actress and masculine pronouns (i’m saying it doesn’t quite exist because officially we have no gender neutral, but it’s a serious wip among lgbt+ circles to the point where it’s started being used in a few medias)

hastur « en attendant qu’un plombier vienne » / « while waiting for a plumber to come » does hell have a special plumber unit or do demons have to call on human plumbers for their pipes damages ? Dang hastur having to call a human plumber for hell’s plumbery is another damn good writing prompt for a crack fic

Michael is called Michel in the subtitles but Michael in the audio *shrug emoji*

EP 5 

to get a wiggle on has become « il faut qu’on se remue les fesses », literally « we need to shake our butts » like, yes, se remuer les fesses is a common expression to say « we need to act in order to get things done » but it really casts the image of people shaking their booty to some music and obviously crowley thinks the same Weirdly enough I have almost nothing to say for that episode. Sorry. But we’ve discovered most voice actors and actresses so far and no bit of dialogue really struck me as worth discussing or pointing fingers to mock it.

EP 6 

« on va BROUTER quelques derrières » - « we’re gonna lick some butts » OK THIS IS UNQUESTIONNABLY FAR SUPERIOR IN FRENCH THAN IN ENGLISH you thought LICKING butts was good ??? you really thought that ???? AZIRAPHALE HERE SUGGESTS TO GRAZE BUTTS. TO NIBBLE THEM. TO EAT THEM. TO. MUNCH. ON. THOSE. BUTTS!!!! not just licking, guys. This is as serious step beyond licking. (oh yeah he should have said « botter » instead of brouter btw, which is really just kicking, fyi)

« moi je crois en la paix, pétasse ! » wow, language, pepper (fyi i think « pétasse » is far far worse than « bitch » even if it means roughly the same, pétasse is almost never used while bitch is rather common, so it’s a swear word +++)

Dagon sounds like she’s got a nasty cold. #GetDagonIbuprofen2K20

I can confirm that Crowley offers Aziraphale to not just stay at his place, but to move in with him. « tu peux t’installer chez moi si tu veux ». omg they were roommates.

Bad translation strikes again : i don’t know why, but the french dub doesn’t have the « tickety-boo » / « ça gaze » being referenced as Rampa / Aziraphale is being knocked down, which is… a real mistep. It was narratively significant and I’m quite mad the translators missed it.

The Jesse James explanation from Newt has become very nonsensical, instead of the neat and to the point pun « wherever I go I hold up trafic » we’re getting a circonvoluted « because it’s a crime to mechanic’s diligence ». I’m not judging that one too hard, I have no idea how to make it better, and that’s probably how it was translated in the book as well thirty years ago, but it definitely doesn’t have the same impact. On the other hand, it definitely IS a very bad joke that doesn’t even deserve a chuckle, so Anathema’s embarassement really matches the audience’s (aka mine).

OVERALL :

I wasn’t convinced by Crowley… I mean, Rampa’s voice at first, but as the nerdiness showed up it really grew on me. I still think that french dubs have often problems with some voice inflexions every here and there, and for instance in Rampa’s case it was when he was annoyed or frustrated ( at the Globe when complaining about horses and Shakespeare’s plays that aren’t comedies, and also when discussing Azirphale’s magic tricks, it’s like… there is a step between having the right amount of grumpy complaining and overdoing it that is overlooked. It’s overacted, it should have been a bit quieter imo. I don’t mean to criticize voice actors too hard either but as an audience watching french dubs this is a very recurring problem and it always feels off to me. It’s actually one of the main reasons I avoid french dubs whenever possible.)

I have a hard time judging Aziraphale’s voice dub because it clashes so much with both the idea I had formed with it when I read the book and Sheen’s delivery that I just… kinda filtered it. It was too high pitched for me, and too anxious (though for this last point I must admit it could be funny at times, but I’m not fond of this character portrayal). The rest of the cast was rather good, nothing to complain about. There wasn’t anything stellar either, but everything that needed to be conveyed was and it was professionnal. It was also very homogeneous, no voice really struck me as being way too bad or way too good compared to the others, so it was really consistant.

So I don’t have much to complain about overall despite a few wonky translations here and there, BUT there is one thing I felt very robbed of : Crowley calling Aziraphale « mon ange » happens only once, when giving a lift to Anathema, and I’m almost certain they translated it that way because otherwise the joke about Anathama mistaking them for a couple wouldn’t work. So, they were forced to make it that way. The rest of the time Crowley calls Aziraphale « l’angelot », and despite being literally translated by « little angel », it feels sarcastic more than anything else ( the « L’ » in front of « angelot » is part of the reason why, it creates some distance, the other reason being that this word in itself has a very corny vibe and people being affectionnate to each other wouldn’t use it as a term of endearment). So, that’s a shame.

I like the English dub much much MUCH better than the French, but the french wasn’t nearly as bad as I was expecting it to be. The voice actors and actresses were quite good, the dialogues mostly faithful and endearing despite a few really missed steps. It really had its moments. Props to brouter des derrières, that one was fantastic.

[justjessame]

Glorious, Before the Burden - The Mourning ~ 13

Waking up after seeing Loki with Sylvie - adult Sylvie - I lay in bed and stared at my ceiling trying to understand.  What - where were they?  The morning dawned as I tried to make sense out of the senseless and I gave up.  LISTENING was how I was supposed to get my magic in line to grow and evolve, not forcing myself to make things work into a box of logic when the logic was nowhere near where I was.  

I got out of bed, letting it right itself as I dressed and fixed my hair - making up a schedule for my day.  A trip to the village was in order since my cupboards were getting bare, my books were growing tiresome, and I needed to find some inspiration for what I should do next.  As I stood in the kitchen getting a glass of water, staring out at my garden - I watched as once again a group of people wandered in to trample it - only this time they appeared out of the same type of doorway that Sylvie had.

Sighing deeply, I opened my door and stood with my arms crossed.  The man with the crooked nose and white hair I’d seen Loki interacting with was among the barbarians ruining my garden.

“Do you MIND?” Stepping out onto the pathway, I raised my hand and they parted like water.  “Do keep to the path, I’d rather not have to replant the damn garden every time one of your groups stomps through to demand an audience.”  

He stepped forward, the leader clearly, and offered his hand.  “I apologize, Miss -” I stared at his hand and then back at his face.  Awkward silence prevailed and he dropped the hand.  “You’re not as hospitable as I was expecting from the files.  I guess that’s understandable given your current status.”  

“Pardon?”  Staring at him, he realized that he’d only made matters worse for himself.  “Who precisely are you?  All of you?”  

“Right, sorry again.”  He looked as if he might wish that anyone else had been in his place.  “My name is Mobius M. Mobius, I’m an agent of the Time Variance Authority.”  

“The Time Variance Authority?” I sounded as unimpressed as I felt.  “And what authority does this particular agency have, AGENT Mobius?”  

“I’m glad you asked that, Miss -” Again lacking, so he rushed on.  “We’re tasked with keeping the Sacred Timeline intact and on track.”  

“The Sacred Timeline, you say.”  My eyebrow couldn’t be stopped from rising.  “There are infinite timelines, Agent Mobius, which one of these infinite timelines has been deemed ‘sacred’?”  He stared at me.  “Why are you here, on my doorstep, while your fellows are tearing apart my garden?”  

“Loki,” one word, one name, and yet it weighed more than the entire universe.  “Your husband, well a variant of your husband - he’s killing our people.”  

“And?”  Not really my problem, given that he wasn’t MY Loki.  My Loki was locked away on Asgard and I was trapped here.  “What precisely do you want from me?”  

“Information.” I laughed.  “He has to be stopped, Miss -” 

“First of all, Agent Mobius, I am not a ‘miss’.”  I sighed.  “I’ve been married for a very long time to my husband, and while we are not physically together, I can assure you we are still VERY MUCH MARRIED.”  He swallowed so hard that I felt sure that his people could hear him even as they muttered amongst themselves.  “Second of all, I cannot see why you would imagine that I would give information to such a ridiculous outfit such as an agency that is so fanciful as yours.  Honestly, a Sacred Timeline?  Have you no understanding whatsoever of how anything works?”  

He opened his mouth to speak, but I raised my hand and whatever he hoped to say caught in his throat.  And as I stared into his eyes I saw something terribly tragic - this person had no idea who he truly was, none at all.  Taking the hand I’d raised to stop him from uttering more nonsense, I touched his hand and saw that not only did he hope to gain my trust and cooperation in bringing this dangerous version of my husband to heel, but he also wished to keep me safe - even if he wasn’t entirely sure what I was in danger from at least not on the surface level of his current state. 

Someone, a young woman with a rigid disposition and a darkness within her that was unmatched by the man before me, planned a very different way to correct the problem the Variant - that’s what they called the Loki, and others like my husband who strayed from their proper place in time - had created on their Sacred Timeline.  A plot that the man before me had disagreed with so vocally that he’d been reset, but not well enough to get the urge to bring me onboard in his quest to fix the issue in his own way.  How horrible, I thought, as I felt the confusion and betrayal he’d felt as a person he thought of as a friend had violated that trust to remove a piece of him - and how truly horrific that he didn’t know that his entire existence was built on a lie.

Removing my hand, I also released him from the silence I’d forced on him.  

“Of course I understand -” he sighed, “What should I call you?”  He smiled awkwardly and I returned it with a smile of my own.  Why not, since he would lose this memory as well?  

“Sigyn,” giving him my name was easy enough, but knowing that Loki - any version of him - AND Sylvie were running from people like these made my blood run cold.  “You can call me Sigyn.”  

Mobius didn’t stay much longer.  He even managed to convince the troop he came with to stand outside the garden.  And he found that I was true to my word, I would not give him information on my husband - Variant or not.  

Before he, and the others, left - I removed the visit from their memories and the TempPad.  Watching him disappear through the doorway I’d seen Sylvie disappear behind so many times in my childhood, I wondered what would become of him - this Mobius M. Mobius? Would he ever learn the truth about the lies that built his world and purpose?  And how would he take it when he found out that the ONE person he thought he could trust the most, was the one he shouldn’t trust at all?

My schedule was thrown off by the visit from the Time Variance Authority.  And using powers that I hadn’t used before, but somehow knew I had access to - LISTENING to my intuition, to what felt right instead of what I would normally do - had reminded me that I hadn’t broken my fast.  Hungry and a touch tired, I went back to the kitchen to pick up where I’d left off when I witnessed my visitors’ arrival.  

Sitting at the table, my cell phone next to me, eating absently while I contemplated what I saw through Mobius’ ruined memories.  His companion, a superior to him - a judge named Ravonna - had told him she planned on erasing parts of Loki’s timeline, the parts she deemed most likely to set him on the path that would lead to his homicidal rampage.  He’d argued against this course, reminding her that they still had no idea where this Variant had come from, and that meant that they hadn’t a clue as to which parts of the timeline should be wiped to be effective.  The coldness in her face should have warned him, but he didn’t know her, not really.  He simply thought he did, because of the process that created him.  

The part she wishes to erase was me, Sigyn, the wife.  Clearly erasing the most emotionally charged part of his timeline would work to break him - dull the blade and he’d be easier to prune.  Mobius had argued that by that logic she should erase Frigga as well, or Thor - but Ravonna shook her head.  

“No,” her smile grew in an almost reptilian way.  “If you look through the files, if you WATCH it - what Loki feels for Sigyn, it goes far beyond simple affection or love, Mobius.  Remove her from the equation, take her away and he has NOTHING to search for, nothing to yearn for, nothing to reach and grasp for - he’ll beg to be pruned.”  

I’d felt sick, the way she’d considered it - as if breaking him apart and ripping me away from him was a game.  As if watching him - I knew that these files weren’t simply written, that they were visual - she watched him in his cell in Asgard, watched as he saw the wraith of me visit him and how he felt tortured by it.  And I knew she ENJOYED it.  Unlike Frigga, who I felt did only what Odin asked, Ravonna wanted to see Loki in agony and begging for it to end so she could order it.  

The only thing that gave me strength was the knowledge that she obviously didn’t KNOW Loki.  Removing me from a file wouldn’t convince him that I was gone or break him - that equating that with the pain he was feeling in his cell in Asgard was the mistake of a sadistic amateur.  If anything, removing me would make him MORE thirsty for a path to find out WHY I was removed and WHERE I was.  Ravonna had done nothing to make her tiny little hope bear fruit, instead she made it more likely to go in the opposite direction.  

If only I knew how Sylvie fit into the situation -

I set off for the village after my breakfast.  Content that the weather was perfect for the walk, and that I could easily find everything I needed within walking distance of my home.  

Books first, the small shop was owned by the second person to befriend me after Michael.  A lovely young woman named Caroline who quickly learned the types of books that I most enjoyed and would tuck a few behind the counter for me, even though she knew I’d still wander the stacks and pluck a few more to add to the pile.  

“You’re up and out early this morning, Margaret,” her smile was open and warm.  “I had a feeling you’d be around today.”  Reaching under the counter, she pulled out four books and set the on the counter.  “I’ll keep them here for you while you browse.”  

Shaking my head, my smile came easily as I roamed the aisles, gaze dancing across the spines of the books as I looked for anything that stood out and caught my attention.  While I shopped, Caroline and I chatted, the shop being small enough that we didn’t have to raise our voices even when I was at the furthest point from the till.  She asked about Micheal and I assured her that he was well, telling her that we’d spent the day before together.  

“He dotes on you,” she was grinning as I joined her at the counter to pay.  “We’re all happy you came home to keep him company.  You keep him young.”  My smile faltered, a reminder that I’d be leaving once I learned how to rejoin Loki - leaving Michael alone again.  

“He’s incredibly kind,” I agreed, paying for my books.  “And I’m glad I came home too.”  

The rest of my shopping trip was much the same.  Friendly reminders of how thankful everyone was that I’d “returned” to the family fold so Michael wasn’t alone any longer.  The reminder of what I would be leaving was starting to cause me pinpricks of pain - but the piercing ache of being apart from my husband was overpowering.  I could always visit Michael, it wasn’t as if I couldn’t come back.  

At the cottage, once everything was put in its place, I chose not to return to the laptop and instead went to the garden to inspect the damage caused by Mobius and his group.  A few bushes weren’t quite as bushy as they should be, several of the flower beds were smashed with boot prints, and the grass had divots that showed dirt where green should be.  

Sighing heavily, I sat down on the bench and closed my eyes.  The air was cool and the sun was trying to shine through a hazy cloud cover.  A slight breeze ruffled my hair as I let the calm of my garden - damaged though it was - soothe my frayed nerves.  

Perhaps it was the breeze.  Maybe it was the scent of apples that blew in from somewhere.  It could have been the hint of galbanum that tickled my nose.  Whatever it was, somehow I wasn’t in the garden anymore - instead I was on a train unlike any train I’d ever been on - and there was Loki sitting across from Sylvie. 

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

NEW FIC!!!

Written for the Carry On Quarantine event organized by @xivz​ for the prompt of food delivery. My thanks to @fight-surrender​ and @basic-banshee​ for the beta reads and support!!

Baz is a teacher quarantined at home and Simon is doing temp work delivering food for The Girl and the Goat, a local pub. A craving for a burger leads to Baz ordering from the pub, followed by weeks of mutual pining, the slow burn of a developing relationship thwarted by the physical constraints of social distancing, and a refrigerator full of pub food. Movie nights, exasperated friends, lots of texts, way too much food, and multiple awkward encounters. 

Let My Love Open the Door

Baz

I close my laptop and drop my head down onto it. I’m knackered. The metal feels cool against my forehead. I roll my face from side to side, relishing the smooth chill of it against my cheeks. And then I remember.

Fuck, now I have to disinfect the damn thing.

I’m done. Done for the day but also so done with this.

How can I be expected to effectively teach students—Sixth Form students at that—from a computer terminal? I’m almost three weeks into this, but their looming A Levels and GSCE’s are still on schedule for May.

That’s less than two months away. Five weeks and three days, to be exact.

Thank fuck it’s Friday. I’ll at least have two days to prepare next week’s frightfully inadequate lesson plan.

I grab a disinfecting wipe from the canister and methodically wipe down my laptop. I’m not sick—not a cough, not a sniffle—but I’ve bought into this not touching my face directive and I shouldn’t be smearing my germs on random surfaces. For all I know I could be carrying this thing. One of the asymptomatic Typhoid Marys, spreading it far and wide.

Not that there’s anyone to spread it to, seeing as I’m on my own here, but I wipe the laptop down anyway, unnerved by the whole idea of it.

I’ve washed my hands more in the past month than I have in my entire life. I spent the first day at home wiping down every surface, laundering the bedding, mopping the floors. My house went from having a pleasant, woodsy scent to the overwhelming stench of bleach instead.

It gave me such a headache that I had to open the windows and damn near froze. Bloody coldest March we’ve had in years. April’s not proving to be much better.

My mobile buzzes. I should have left it in the bedroom but I’ve become painfully attached to it.

If I’m not planning out curriculum, video conferencing with my class, answering frantic emails from parents, students, the other teachers at my school, or compulsively cleaning and reorganizing my house, then I’m moodily scrolling through Twitter and Instagram and ratcheting up my anxiety.

I should delete my social media.

My mobile buzzes again.

I glance at my watch. It’s six o’clock.

Bound to be Wellbelove.

Wellbelove: are you done yet?

Wellbelove: Baz!!

Wellbelove: you can’t still be doing classwork it’s after 5

Wellbelove: BAAAAZZZZ

Me: Give it a rest, Wellbelove. Some of us are actually working from home.

Wellbelove: I am working, you poncy bastard I’m obviously far more efficient than you.

Me: Look, some of us can’t just post our morning exercise routine and somehow have that count as work.

Wellbelove: Why are we friends again? Can you remind me why I put up with this slander from you?

Me: Because of my sparkling wit and undeniable charm.

Wellbelove: more like your fashion sense and propensity to pick up the bill when we eat out. Neither of which are in evidence at the moment so I may have to rethink my devotion to you

Me: Still, I’m indispensable.

Wellbelove: then buy me dinner. what are we watching tonight?

This all started at the end of that first week, when Agatha couldn’t concentrate on the book she was trying to read and I’d reached the pulling-my-hair-out state of lesson planning. She suggested we watch a film together—FaceTiming while our Netflix accounts played in sync.

We’ve done that almost every night since. Dinner and a movie, separately, from a distance.

We spend almost as much time arguing over what to watch as we do watching, but that’s just how we are. I’ve known Agatha Wellbelove since we were toddlers at the same crèche when our parents were at uni. Same primary school, same secondary school.

We drifted apart during our uni years, with Agatha at Brighton for phys Ed and Oxford to read for English Language and Literature for me.  

It was some bizarre twist of fate that we were both hired to teach at the same secondary school in Chilham. She was the last person I expected to see on my orientation day.

We picked up where we left off, latching onto each other as we navigated our first real world experience after uni.

It’s been three years now and I think the past three weeks have been the longest stretch we’ve gone without seeing each other since we moved here.

She’s self-centered, brutally straight-forward, horribly short-tempered, dreadfully impatient, and devastatingly gorgeous.

A perfect match for me if I wasn’t so irrevocably gay.

And if she wasn’t . . . well, categorically uninterested in me in that way is probably the best way to phrase it.

But she’s my best friend and I know it hasn’t been all that long but fuck, I miss her.

Wellbelove: WHAT ARE WE WATCHING BAZ ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION

She’d be kicking me in the shin by now, if she were here. Maybe I don’t miss her quite that much.

Ugh, it’s my night to choose. I don’t know what I want to watch. Something soothing, not one of those action films or plucky sports dramas she likes so much. I actually like Bend it Like Beckham but not those sappy American ones she’s inflicted on me.

I need something familiar. Comforting.

Me: Pride and Prejudice.

Wellbelove: 2005. Kiera Knightley. I will accept no substitutes.

Me: The 1995 version is superior.

Wellbelove: Colin Firth doesn’t look like that anymore Baz. Let it go.

I start to type “Keira Knightley doesn’t either” but fucking hell she does still look the same.

Wellbelove: and you owe me dinner

Me: 2005 AND dinner? You are greedy and demanding, Wellbelove. I’ll agree to Knightley. Make your own dinner.

Wellbelove: I want a burger I’m ordering out since you’re being a berk and won’t send me food

Fuck. I’m craving a burger now too.

I don’t even want to think about cooking anything. I’m so sick of pasta, even though I’ve tried to make it a different way each time, with my dwindling pantry supplies. And much as I love the curry place down the road I can’t eat it every day.

I used to think I could. I used to say I’d be happy eating tikka masala every day for the rest of my life, but I was mistaken.

And no more chippies. I can’t do another chippy.

Me: Who’s delivering burgers? Please tell me you aren’t getting McDonald’s.

Wellbelove: why would I get McDonald’s when I can get a lamb burger from The Girl and The Goat?

Me: they’re not still open?

Wellbelove: of course they’re still open you stupid git.

I don’t know why I hadn’t thought to check. Why I assumed the pubs would close down, when they all have kitchens and food service, just like the chippies and fast food places.

Me: why didn’t you bother telling me, you hag?

Wellbelove: You are a grown man Hunter gatherer type you should be able to forage for your own food

I want one of those burgers. We don’t go there all that often but The Girl and The Goat has some of the best burgers in town. Fucking hell, I’m salivating at the thought of it.

Me: Text when you’ve got dinner and we’ll start the movie

Wellbelove: you’re ordering from The Goat aren’t you you hypocrite and not even paying for mine

I close the messenger app to look up The Girl and The Goat online. I scan the menu and then ring them up.

The warm, cheerful voice on the line assures me the order will be delivered to my door within a half hour. I give my mobile number so the driver can text when he arrives.

“Just be looking for the text, love,” the woman’s warm voice continues. “Simon will leave everything at your door, no need to open up until he’s gone. I know how wary people are these days so we’re trying to make it easy.”

A little over a half hour later my mobile buzzes with a message from an unknown number.

Unknown number: Food’s here!

Unknown number: I’ll ring when it’s on your doorstep

The doorbell chimes and I peek at the doorway video display only to startle at the huge grinning face looming on the screen. I push the audio button.

“Yes?”

“Hullo! I’m Simon. I’ve got your order from The Goat. Lamb burger and chips.” He holds up a gloved hand carrying a bag. “I’ll just leave it right here for you.” I get a brief glimpse of a broad back clad in a brown leather jacket as he bends down, before he’s back to grinning at the camera again. “Thanks for ordering from The Goat. We appreciate the business. If you text me back you’ll get a discount for next time!”

“Text you back what?”

He leans in closer and shrugs. “Whatever.”

He’s got brilliant blue eyes. A scattering of freckles dotted across his face.

“Um, right, ok then. Thanks.”

He waves and then he’s out of sight again.

I move to the front window and twitch aside the blinds to watch him get in a blue car with “The Girl and The Goat” displayed across the door in white lettering.

I wait until the car is long gone before opening the door, gloves on, carrying the parcel of food as if it’s radioactive until I reach the kitchen, where I can dispose of the bag and transfer the food to my own dishes.

It’s likely overkill, I know, but I find being wary and methodical helps calm me.

I settle down in front of the television with my meal and my mobile, ready to message Agatha, when I see the text from the unknown number again.

I’d not say no to a discount. I click on it to text back. What exactly does one text to an attractive delivery man?

I shake my head. He’s just the delivery man, it’s irrelevant if he’s attractive or not.

My finger is still hovering over my mobile. I’m having an existential crisis over what to text a delivery man so I can get a discount on a pub meal. These are the depths that I have sunk to with this self-quarantine.

It would help if he were ordinary looking. It really would.

Me to unknown number: Whatever

I hit send before I think too hard about how unoriginal and trite a response that was.

My mobile pings back a moment later.

Unknown number: 15% percent off the next order. Just say Simon said when you call it in! :)

Read the rest at ao3!!!!!!!!!!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/23590015

[readingsbylibramc]

synastry chart reading for @ladyestrella

hello! welcome to your reading. I'm going to give you a quick overview of what I'm going to analyze about your synastry chart: in-depth analysis of house overlays with major aspects, potential of the relationship, soulmates indicators, possible marriage indicators, possible issues and struggles of the relationship, intimacy and physical attraction, what they feel when they see / think about you, in-depth analysis of fate, love and marriage asteroids. of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask! my dms are always open. now let's get into the reading!

PARTNER A: she/her | aquarius sun, leo moon, pisces rising

PARTNER B: he/him | pisces sun, aquarius moon, pisces rising

PARTNER A

- personal planets -

🌞 partner a's aquarius sun in his 11th house

this could be the type of relationship that started off as a friendship, or at least that feels like a friendship. you and your partner don't focus on doing cheesy, romantic couple stuff, but you also enjoy having fun together like two friends. you may attend parties and events together, you may go out with your friends and get along with each other's friends pretty well. you may socialize more as a couple, perhaps even more than you two usually do. this placement can also indicate that you two met thanks to your friends for example, or maybe online, or even at some sort of social gathering like a party, a concert, etc. basically, a place crowded with people. the 11th house is also about long-term goals, and hence your partner may see you as a dream, as something he wants to last. you two may have a long-term, stable relationship, you both want this relationship to work and to last as much as possible. in addition, this placement may also motivate both of you to achieve the best in life, you may drive each other to be successful and achieve your goals, or perhaps one of them may even be of help to the other to get a reputation, a job, etc.

partner a's aquarius sun conjunct partner b's aquarius neptune: I would say that this placement isn't too bad, but not great either. first of all, neptune is a karmic planet, therefore we're certainly talking about a soulmate connection here. you two are probably very spiritually connected, you just get each other, and you probably feel a level of comfort when you're with the other that almost feels too good to be true. you see your crush as a dream, he totally fits your ideal of partner, your standards. in fact, you may often find yourself daydreaming about him and vice versa, it is a very sweet and romantic placement that makes it seem as if you're living in a fairy tale. you are both very intuitive, you're able to easily understand whether the other is happy, sad, angry... I feel like, with proper communication (which I assume this couple has), this aspect can be way more positive than negative. the negative side of this conjunction is that you may fantasize and idealize each other too much, you may create a version of your partner that only exists in your head. because of that, you may not acknowlege his mistakes, you may constantly blame yourself instead of him and vice versa. but again, your chart mostly has positive aspects, so I don't think these bad effects are much prominent in your relationship. now that you're aware of this issue, you can also try to solve it after all.

🌙 partner a's leo moon in his 6th house

this placement is also kind of neutral. in fact, the 6th house isn't really a romantic house, but with the moon here I think it can bring some lovely aspects as well. the moon is all about feelings and emotions, while the 6th house is the house of health and routine. that means that in your day-to-day life, you could be very affectionate with each other. you may be into physical contact and cuddling, and you may basically be sweet with each other on a daily basis. you feel extremely comfortable with each other, you feel at home when you're together, and hence you can both be yourselves with the other, you don't have to worry about being judged or misunderstood. you're also both very considerate of each other's health, both physical and mental. for instance, you could try to protect each other from eventual dangers, and if one of you actually gets sick, then the other is ready to take care of them. you could also be very considerate about each other's mental health, and combined with your heavy neptune influence that makes you two very intuitive, you may often psychoanalyze each other. in the worst case, you may feel as if you needed to 'serve' your partner, you could become very accommodating because of him. as a result, your partner could possibly take advantage of your kindness, but this is quite of a stretch of course. your chart is mostly positive, so I wouldn't mind that much about it, but I'd still keep my eyes open if I were in you.

partner a's leo moon opposite partner b's aquarius moon: you two are same and different at the same time. you may understand each other's feelings, ideals, emotions... you may even share them in a certain sense, you see eye to eye on a variety of topics, but you may still find yourselves bickering each other, there could still be some misunderstandings between you two or even disagreements. especially since this opposition happens on the proud line of leo - aquarius, you two may get particularly irritated when someone tries to contradict you, and hence this could be a cause of conflict in your relationship. try to be more open to each other's opinions and points of view, and if you don't share them try at least to understand them. communication is key to get along, force yourselves to discuss more and argue less if you truly care about the health of this connection.

🗣 partner a's aquarius mercury in his 12th house

this placement makes you extremely empathetic in regards of your partner. you probably can tell what’s going on in his mind pretty well, you may complete his phrases, you may basically read his mind. you know when he’s happy, when he’s sad, when he’s angry, when he’s lying... he’s an open book to you, he can’t hide. perhaps, you may even make dreams about him and viceversa. you could often find yourself daydreaming about this person as well. on the other hand, there are a few problems caused by this placement as well, we’re still talking about the 12th house after all. first of all, your partner is a pisces dominant: he’s lonely, secretive, private... he doesn’t like showing his real nature to others, he feels uncomfortable revealing all of his secrets, his mind. having someone that understands him so deeply, while it can impress him in some way, you may catch his attention, but at the same time he may as well be annoyed by it. he may start feeling overwhelmed from this lack of privacy, he may want to run away as this relationship could start being unhealthy, especially for him. or perhaps, he may actually be looking for a relationship of this kind, an intense, transformative relationship, therefore he may actually appreciate it, but it depends on what he wants from a partner. his pisces venus makes me think that he would feel at ease with such a strong connection, but again, it all depends on his personal preference. last but not least, this placement can also make the two of you quite paranoid; your partner may often feel as if you’re hiding something from him, and that could interfer in your bond of course. 

partner a's aquarius mercury conjunct partner b's aquarius jupiter: this placement is extremely positive, especially in your chart! you two need to communicate to sort out your misunderstandings and disagreements, and thanks to this aspect you two are able to have a decent conversation. when you discuss with the other, you are able to broaden your horizons and learn about new points of view, of theories... you can become very open-minded together, you may help each other discovering new ideals and opinions. you could talk a lot, perhaps even through texts, communication surely isn't lacking between you two. it's a very encouraging and non-judgemental relationship, you're able to talk about literally anything without being laughed at. in addition, jupiter also brings lots of fun to your talks; you may often make jokes and laugh together, you're able to have light-hearted conversation that brighten up the mood of both of you. together with your sun in the 11th house, you may even come off as a couple of friends rather than a couple of lovers.

❤️ partner a's sagittarius venus in his 10th hous

with this overlay, there's lots of admiration from both parties. more specifically your partner probably looks up to you, he agrees with your ideas and he's fascinated by your drive. he may be very attracted to your looks, to the way you treat people, to the way you present yourself, he may even see you as superior to him in a certain sense. with this placement, if you and your partner get together he'll surely treat you like a living goddess!! this admiration is obviously mutual, you're also attracted to your partner, you may see him as a stable point, a safe spot. of course, since the 10th house is also the house of career and work, this relationship could also be beneficial for each other's jobs and goals. you are probably very emotionally supportive of each other's dreams, or perhaps you may even help each other in a more concrete way. overall, you may appear as the perfect couple when you're together; you're probably not afraid of pda, and hence you may have lots of eyes on you. luckily, though, I don't see you attracting much jealousy or any kind of malicious feeling.

partner a's sagittarius venus sextile partner b's aquarius moon: this placement is absolutely lovely! you two are probably very romantic individuals, and if you're not, you're at least able to bring the romance out of each other. you are very affectionate, you may enjoy physical contact and cuddling, you probably express your love for each other through gestures. comfort and ease just flow easily between you two, it's a very powerful aspect that makes you two love each other's company. you could be the type of couple to spoil each other, maybe in gifts, or even in compliments. it's that type of relationship that boosts each other's self-esteem. you could also be the type or couple to call each other sweet names, such as 'baby', 'honey', and so on, this kind of things. this is also another placement that indicates that you two could be quite devoted to each other, you're always there when needed and vice versa.

partner a's sagittarius venus square partner b's pisces mars: I wouldn't say this is an extremely negative placement, but still there could be some major problems regarding conflicts. you and your partner may not see eye to eye regarding love and sex, you may struggle to meet each other's wants. for example, you may desire more romanticism from your partner, and your partner may want more physical attraction from you. you may tend to act submissive around your partner, he could make you feel like a teenager, while your partner adopts a more bossy, stereotypically 'manly' behaviour. while this may be attractive and 'safe' for both of you, it could actually become a boring relationship that doesn't bring anything new to both of you. you are very different, you most likely have differents needs and wants that you expect from a relationship, making it difficult to work of course. but again, you're not doomed: your venus is sextile your partner's moon. that means that, with time and growth, your partner will eventually start to understand you and your point of view. basically, at first it may be hard to feel healthy while being in a relationship of this kind, but as time goes by, you'll both learn some major life lessons that will improve your love life. even if this relationship doesn't last, you'll still get out of it with loads of maturity and experiences.

☄️ partner a's pisces mars in his 1st house conjunct the ascendant

this placement makes you literally crave your partner. it probably was instant attraction, you couldn't help but stare at him when you first met him. you find him extremely attractive and sexy, you probably love having physical contact with him, even just placing your hand on his shoulder is fine. you're probably attracted to his look, it's what first caught your attention, but also to his drive, his goals and aspirations. you see your crush as someone very bold, leader-material and extremely passionate about everything they do. I feel like you could be the one to take the initiative in the relationship, you may be the one to ask him out, you could take the lead during sexual moments, and overall you're very direct and blunt in your approach, you probably don't care about looking so obviously into him. your attraction to him makes you so energetic that you actually pass some of this energy down to your partner; that is, if he's shy for example, you may literally make him want to step out of his comfort-zone. you motivate him to take action and improve himself. the only problem that comes with this placement is that a lot of competitiveness could arise. you, the mars person, may even try to 'control' your partner, you could be overbearing. for example, you could interfer in his studies / job, or maybe you answer for them... this type of stuff. it's important to respect your partner's boundaries and viceversa, or it's a total turnoff, especially since this conjunction happens in the respectful and dreamy sign of pisces.

partner a's pisces mars conjunct partner b's pisces sun: as I've already mentioned above, this relationship is a total self-esteem booster. you find each other extremely attractive, you two fit each other's standars of attractiveness. in fact, this placement indicates lots of sexual chemistry between you two. one thing sure, this relationship certainly isn't boring; even though you may sometimes argue over dumb things, as there's quite a bit of competitiveness between you two, there's also lots of passion. you could possibly be the dominant figure in the relationship, or at least your partner sees you as a very hard-working, assertive and ambitious person, and he probably admires you fondly for that. he could be your #1, he may encourage your energy even more. it's a very powerful aspects that allows you two to suceed, not only in this relationship but also in your day-to-day life. just be mindful that you can easily avoid childish arguments if you want.

partner a's pisces mars conjunct partner b's pisces venus: in astrology, this is considered to be the ultimate physical attraction aspect! in fact, you two probably find each other very attractive and magnetic. I don't think this connection started off as a friendship, and if it did then it was probably unbearable, as the attraction and chemistry between you two is just way too much to handle. you two most likely are a very touchy couple, not necessarily in a sexual way but you find it hard not to stare, touch each other; physical contact is key in this connection. this is another placement that makes me think that you are the dominant figure in your relationship, you could be the one to approach this person first for instance. in general, you tend to be the one who takes the initiative in any context. your partner appreciates your partner, and he may feel romantically attracted to you, you probably fit his ideals when it comes to looks, personality, etc. this placement probably makes this relationship so intense and magnetic that it will be hard to forget, even if you two don't end up together. this is certainly a soulmate / twinflame connection, especially with your neptunian energy. I'm sure you're both going to learn a lot from this connection.

PARTNER B

🌞 partner b's pisces sun in her 1st house conjunct the ascendant

your partner probably thought that you were very attractive when he first saw you. you may meet his ideals of beauty, he sees you as his type of girlfriend. he likes the way you move, the way you speak and present yourself, or even just the way you look physically, he may like your face and body. he may even be more straight-forward and approach you first, he may often spoil you with compliments and you don’t step back from them. you appreciate the way he looks, or even stare at you. actually, you may even crave his attention. your partner, aside from admiring you deeply, may even take you as a role model, he may desire to be like you, especially in your way of approaching the world. same thing goes for you: you also appreciate the way your partner lives his life, his achievements, his goals, his ideals, and so on. luckily, there aren’t other negative placements that interfer with this mostly-posiitve aspect. in fact, this aspect could possibly bring a feeling of competition between you two, as instead of admiring and appreciating the other, you may start hating yourselves because you think the other is better.

🌙 partner b's aquarius moon in her 12th house

this is probably one of the most spiritual and karmic overlays you two have in this chart. this partner may probably uncover some part of your life that you can't see, that are hidden to you. probably, it will be issues regarding your emotions, your feelings, maybe even childhood matters. it could even be quite traumatic at first, as this person is so intuitive that seems to know everything about you, he pushes the right buttons making impact. talking to this person is like talking to a psychologist, he knows perfectly what's bothering you and how to deal with it, it's certainly a very healthy aspect if you accept to be helped. you may be more introverted around your partner, exactly because you feel quite exposed of your insecurities, of your secrets, but as time goes by you'll start seeing each other as a place of comfort. being with and venting your feelings with your partner becomes something ordinary for you, it's totally natural thanks to this feeling of ease. this feeling is actually mutual, you guys look as if you have a psychic connection together, and this placement also indicates that you probably share some past lives together.

🗣 partner b's pisces mercury in her 1st house conjunct the ascendant

with this placement, you probably also fell for your partner for the way he talks, he exposes his thoughts, his choice of words. you may even be literally into his voice, you like the way it sounds, you thought it was attractive when you first heard it. you may even see your partner as someone smart and intellectual who has a way with words, someone that  can achieve whatever he wants thanks to his witty intellect. you may also enjoy his sense of humor, you probably don’t force your laugh when you’re around him because you find him genuinely entertaining. as for your partner, he may also be into the way you think and talk, he could be fascinated by your ideas and creativity. in addition, mercury is all about curiosity, and hence he may be curious to get to know you. when you first met him, he felt this sudden urge to get to know you, he could’ve been the first one to randomly approach you, and he started making random questions just to hav ìe a conversation with you. even more simple things like “What is your favourite food?” looks fine to him, as long as he learns something new about you, he cares about this kind of stuff. this placement can surely make good friendships, as you two are able to have an amusing conversation, even though it may be more casual rather than deep. you probablty wouldn’t talk about the meaning of life with him, to make it simple, but rather about your hobbies, your passions.

❤️ partner b's pisces venus in her 1st house conjunct the ascendant

this placement indicates that you most likely find each other extremely attractive! you probably fit his beauty standards, you find him very charismatic and charming, it's hard for you not to stare at him. basically, he's your type. also, aside from being into his looks, you may also be fascinated from the way he presents himself in general: you may like his fashion sense, his manners, the way he approaches people, the way he speaks... bascially, everything about the outer him, it was likely love at first sight, or at least you instantly felt strong attraction to this individual when you first met him. also, this placement also indicates that you may inspire your partner in an artistic way, and viceversa. for example, let's suppose you like writing; you may feel inspired by your partner to write books about him, or perhaps poetry or song lyrics. you see your partner as someone aesthetically pleasant, basically as a piece of art. this feeling is mutual. overall, you both feel flattered and loved by the other, you may often compliment each other and that will be a complete self-esteem boost for both of you. feeling loved by your partner and viceversa inspires you to love yourself, and as a result you feel more beautiful.

☄️ partner b's libra mars in her 7th house

with this placement, the admiration I've talked about above is most likely mutual; in fact, you also feel interested in your partner because you see him as someone assertive, an action-taker, someone surely bold. you may start craving this partner, not necessarily in an obsessive way but in a way that makes you two kind of rush things in the relationship. for example, you may start dating very fast, or perhaps since the 7th house is also the house of marriage you nay rush your marriage, but this is kind of a stretch so make sure to only take what resonates. this placement also indicates that your partner could possibly take advantage of you, they may become very dominant in the relationship and you could end up depending on them, but I don't really think it's the case of this connection. as I've already said above, there are other aspects that indicate that you're also respected in this relationship, therefore I feel like you may be able to balance and compromise with each other to get along, especially since mars is placed in the cooperative sign of libra. at least, this is another placement that indicates that there's loads of passion and sexual attraction between you two that will hardly fade, they are probably the main features of this connection actually.

ASTEROIDS & CO

partner b's virgo north node square partner a's sagittarius venus: I feel like with this placement you two are both very attracted to each other romantically speaking, there was instant affection between you two. yet, as time goes by, you may start feeling as if something is missing, it could be your partner above all to think this. he may feel as if he needs to explore, experience something else. you, on the other hand, you may start feeling as if you were always the most invested in the relationship, as if you were always the one to try to improve it in some way. because of that, I wouldn't say that this relationship is meant to be long-term as you may grow out of each other, but never say never! it's just a negative aspect in a bunch of positive placements, and remember that you can achieve anything you desire with proper communication.

and this is the end! thank you for booking a reading, let me know if you have any questions :) - libramc xx

- not corrected yet -

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

We are in an interesting point in time when the three major Spidey love interests each have solo books.

Amazing Mary Jane by Leah Williams, which is currently up to issue #6

Gwen Stacy by Christos Gage, which is currently up to issue #2

And Black Cat by Jed MacKay, which is currently up to issue #10

In the case of Gwen Stacy it could be argued she in fact has two titles if we include Ghost-Spider by Seanen Maguire, which is currently up to issue #9

I’ve finally caught up with all 4 titles so I thought I’d sort of evaluate them.

In terms of artwork all the titles have decent-great art. Gwen Stacy is the clear winner here but she’s only had two issues so there hasn’t yet been time for new artists to do fill-in issues or pages. Black Cat’s art was serviceable at best at first but between the annual and the artist on the latest storyline it’s stepped up big time. In ontrast I feel Ghost-Spider’s art is perhaps the weakest exempting Black Cat’s initial artist. I can rarely call out art as good or bad so this is 100% subjective. But for my money Todd Nauck’s work is my absolute favourite closely followed by Carlos Gomez on AMJ. Cover art is a whole other kettle of fish. Black Cat and Gwen Stacy win this for me because Adam Hughs is a god-tier artist and J. Scott Campbell is a guilty pleasure for me.

In terms of writing things are far more clear cut.

Black Cat is by leagues and bounds the best title. Once it warmed up in the first 5 issues it’s slapped hard. It’s characterization of Felicia is superb. She’s fun, flirty, confident, but fully capable of making mistakes. She’s well rounded when all is said and done. Maybe she could be moreso, but it’s absolutely a-okay for now. The book’s concept is fun and has a real direction that allows for variety in the storytelling. We can be at the Baxter Building, the Sanctum Sanctorum or Madirpoor and it will never feel jarring. And honestly Felicia was long overdue a spin-off. She is simply the most obvious character to be spun-off from Spider-Man.

In second place I’d put Gwen Stacy and no one is more surprised by that than me. The plotting of the book has thus far been good exempting one kind of major detail. It uses continuity well and does add detail to Gwen and George Stacy and gives us a rare chance to glimpse Jean DeWolff back in action. It’s so far proved to be an intriguing police/crime story. Where it falters is in it’s characterization and it’s relevance. I know I just said the book adds detail to Gwen and George but let me explain what I mean. This book doesn’t go into Gwen’s head, it fills in details we didn’t know about her. How and when did she meet Harry and Norman Osborn? When did her Dad get injured? Who was her boyfriend in high school? When did her mother die? Oh and I guess she cooked for her Dad which I always presumed but I guess it’s nice to have that confirmed.

And whilst it’s…nice I suppose to find this stuff out…it just doesn’t matter. At all. Whilst not as problematic, this book has one of the major problems Sins Past had. Sins Past actually made Gwen Stacy a better character retroactively (and also kind of a worse character but that’s another discussion). But there was simply no point in doing that. She was dead. She wasn’t coming back. Nobody wanted her to come back. Her role was defined  through the fact that she died and would always be like that so long as she remained dead. Sins Past in developing Gwen retroactively at least had a little bearing upon the then-present stories.

Gwen’s affair in theory could’ve been an emotional scar for Peter to bear and add an extra layer to his duels with the Goblin. Not that we needed anymore of those, but theoretically it could’ve served that purpose. This absolutely doesn’t. It doesn’t matter what Gwen was like before she met Peter because Peter himself never knew her back then. Fleshing out MJ in this manner or Mysterio or even the Shocker would hold relevance because those characters appear alive in the present, they interact with Spider-Man. Similarly Untold Tales of Spider-Man gave Peter more villains he could duel in the future, plug in plot holes of his continuous narrative and flesh him out a bit more. That matters because again…he’s not dead.  Even fleshing out Uncle Ben could possibly have a purpose as he’s Peter’s role model and enduring motivation. Peter strives to be Ben as a man so knowing who Ben Parker the man was can add substance to those moments. But knowing when George Stacy injured his leg or that Gwen ran for class President just doesn’t. It retroactively adds slightly more substance to like 3 issues from 1971. Maybe that’d be an okay back-up story…but a solo-title dedicated to that shit? It’s just pointless, there is no creatively justifiable reason for it to exist.

And that’s before you get to the problem of characterization. As I expected, Gage’s Gwen is total revisionism of the character. Maybe no one is explicitly putting her on a pedestal but literally the only people who don’t think she’s wholly likable are two creepy football players and the explicit villains of the story. Gwen herself beyond this is flawless. Even things we might argue as flaws (her endangering of herself and her friends) is never framed as a flaw, but instead a mark of her bravery and her desire to seek out justice.

It doesn’t help that this is a comic obviously made by and for the Cult of Gwen that never needed to be fed anything else at this point. Their precious Martyr Princess is the star of her own title, she is the super hero in it, the guy she died to motivate instead died to motivate her. Then that version got to appear in 2 cartoons and a movie. THEY WON already, what more do they really need? So whilst the plot is good, the characterization has problems and just on principle the book shouldn’t exist.

Ghost-Spider is similar yet different, ironically mirroring the protagonists of the titles. Ghost-Spider in concept was always very strong. I never disagreed with the title existing. It’s just that Latour and Maguire’s execution is problem riddled. Continuity and characterization is borked. And the current status quo moronic. Gwen visits 616 for school…why? How is that relevant? How is anything she learns going to qualify her for a job in her universe. Even if the skills are practical there would never be any proof of her qualifications, no records. And that’s not even considering how a character who doesn’t goddam live in 616 is embroiled in a 616 event crossover.

Finally there is Amazing Mary Jane. I’ve spoken far too much about this title. I never had a problem with this as a mini-series…but as an ongoing it removes MJ from Peter’s narrative which is asinine. Why remove the best supporting character from Peter’s story? It’s not like she didn’t have subplots of her own when that wasn’t the case. So on principle this shouldn’t have been an ongoing. And in terms of execution…holy shit.

It’s aggressively bad. The plot is nonsense. The characterization is inconsistent within itself let alone when you consider the history of the characters. The best way I can sum this up is that issue #6 is about MJ going into witness protection because she’s a valuable witness to a murder case…where the guy wore a mask…so she couldn’t ID him no matter what…And the guy knows  that.

It’s just so bad I want this book to be put out of it’s misery.

What upsets me most is that Marvel CLEARLY put more effort into Gwen’s solo than MJ’s or Felicia’s. The superior characters get less effort (and one of them gets a far worse title) than the worse character who instead gets more effort and 2 titles just to herself.

Can you see why I hate the cult of Gwen?

[mashounen2003]

Here is the text of the video, translated into English. Seriously, check out this video, this guy is awesome.

"Conspiracy Theories" by Guille Aquino.

Posted on June 27, 2019.

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Warning: if you're influenceable, you need to watch this.

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Alright, before we start, I want us to welcome and applaud our new friends from the CIA, the FBI, NASA, the former SIDE -today, the AFI-, the KGB, Interpol, and the lazy virgins at the troll centre on Miserere Park, who are surely already watching this video because today we're gonna talk about...

Conspiracy Theories.

We all know some: the humans didn't go to the Moon, the 9/11 was a self-attack by the USA's government, Bin Laden never existed, Walt Disney is frozen, Elvis Presley is alive, the Simpsons predict the future, Marcelo Tinelli went to a famous hospital with a famous object inserted in a famous place on his body, and Dengue and Zika fever were created by Bill Gates who genetically modified mosquitoes to depopulate the Earth because it most likely was easier than making work that "Internet Explorer" bulls*** he sold us. But let's get to the news: in early 2019, YouTube modified its recommendation algorithm to avoid promoting conspiracy theories and false information. And let's stop here because I want us to become aware of the magnitude this matter took on and how this little joke of the conspiracy theories videos completely went to Hell.

Think of it this way: YouTube, the second most trafficked website in the world after Google, with over 30 million visitors per day and over 1.3 billion users -almost a third of all people connected to the Internet in the world-, where 300 hours of videos are uploaded per minute and almost 500 trillion videos are viewed per day, had to change its own recommendation system because all of us were watching too many videos denouncing that Lali Espósito is an Illuminati:

Video excerpt: [with obvious robotic voice] "Also, at the second Number Ten, she covers one of her eyes again, obviously symbolizing the All-Seeing Eye."

And I'm very sorry to tell you that, in today's world, if YouTube has a problem, we all have a problem.

Conspiracy theories are the Internet's new porn. In fact, if you filter the words "conspiracy" and "theories" by the number of views, the most viewed video has 36 million views. THIRTY-SIX! MILLION! VIEWS! That's like putting together the total populations of Belgium, Greece, Cuba and Jamaica, and then lighting a giant reefer to everyone and making them watch this video of people saying the Earth is flat:

Another video excerpt: [Channel 13 interview with Flat-Earthers, recorded in a park in Buenos Aires] "I pour water into this dish... Look, I pour water, and it stays, you see? But we pour water into the globe... and it goes down, people."

Okay, now we're gonna go over some of the most popular conspiracy theories of recent times, and we're gonna try to deconstruct the psychological profile of the average consumer of the conspiranoid world.

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We'll start with everyone's favourite...

The Flat-Earthers.

Excerpt of the second video: "This first meeting began to be announced in the groups I followed on YouTube. (And the tattoo you have there, what is it?) This is the flat Earth, the Sun and the Moon."

The Flat-Earthers basically hold the theory that the Earth is not actually spherical, and they claim Galileo Galilei was an old smoke-seller blabbermouth who often played into the Far-Right's hands, cut his hair in an old-fashioned barbershop and used the 1610 telescope mainly to bed with chicks. And I have nothing personal against the Flat-Earthers but I find it difficult to take them seriously, mostly because much of their scientific hypothesis can be explained with this blooper.

Excerpt of another, different video: "There's an inflatable pool filled with water and with two people in it, a third person suddenly jumps into the water, and the pool deforms and overflows on the other side, as one of the two previously present people also falls over the edge."

(Images from the film "Armageddon".)

The truth is that the "flat Earth" theory has one fundamental premise, and it's the same one that supports 100% of conspiracy theories:

There's a power above us that manages everything.

Governments, lobbies and other de facto powers are capable of lying on a massive scale, just as intelligence services, the New World Order and FlyBondi hostesses do.

Excerpt of the second video: "(And you can't see the curvature of the Earth from the plane.) Uh... I travelled by plane to Bariloche, and no, I didn't see it. There's some aircraft glass with a small magnification or something that changes your perspective, due to the thickness of the window, and because aircraft glass also has something."

Alright, stop, let's not turn this into "Point at the crazy assholes and laugh" either, right? Well, yes, a little- But we go beyond that! We're better than that!

Why do so many people choose to believe we're puppets of an evil system? One might say that, in the absence of a sense of real control over our own lives and in the face of the desolation of living in a seemingly random, chaotic world, believing there's an external force exerting control is, to some extent, comforting. Yes, phone the Vatican.

And according to a certain old white upper-middle-class snob who teaches at Harvard University, conspiracy theorists share several or at least one of the following features: they're paranoid, radical, extremist in their opinions; they aspire to a feeling of superiority, and basically, they feel special for possessing information that exceeds the common citizen. Yeah, it's like the row for an indie film festival.

Umberto Eco even said:

"The control syndrome invades us. When someone claims to have a secret, their strength is not in hiding something but in making people think there's even a secret in the first place."

And I didn't understand a f*** because I've never read a book in my life, but it sounds ultra-mega-hyper cool. I dare you to deny it!

So who would be the most likely to believe in these kinds of theories? People who had bad experiences in life, people in search of an answer that would rescue them from a deep existential crisis, and the most important: people in search of a place of belonging.

Excerpt of the second video: "Well, no, this opened a door for me to start thinking more, to question things, about a supposed alien invasion."

Wait, stop right there. Excuse me, but if I'm an alien and I have the power to cross the universe in a spaceship, with my own army and the ability to colonize a celestial body, I don't even waste my time invading a paper-thin planet. Give me a round planet or give me death!

And that's when the contradiction comes into play. Because if you believe in one conspiracy theory, you immediately start to believe in all of them. It's like the weed. Even the refutation of a plot fits within the plot itself: for example, if you believe Lady Diana was killed by the British Crown, you're also prone to believe Lady Diana is actually still alive.

(Woah, Mind Blown... She was totally killed anyway, sorry.)

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Good, let's move on to the next one:

The Anti-Vaccination movement.

Okay, here we come to a key point, since clearly there are the "harmless" conspiracy theories and the... rather dangerous ones. We've all heard someone say vaccines may cause autism in kids. Now, I'm clearly a specialist in absolutely nothing, and I ain't gonna explain why you guys have to vaccinate your children, so I better recommend to you the websites of any Ministry of Health or Wikipedia, so that you later visit them and find out how very important it is to inject legal drugs to your sweet little angels. And it's not to detract from any position or to err on the side of bigotry, but if you're an anti-vax and your baby coughs next to me, I swear I'll kick their head off.

(Tack! That bag of germs...)

And after all, that's why we invented Democracy!

(Ha, of course not, but...)

In fact, I dunno who gives a f*** about this but maybe someone will find it useful: I follow a pretty simple method when it comes to ideologically locating myself regarding any issue. And this is:

Always do the opposite of whatever Gisela Barreto says.

Gisela Barreto: [speaks with a flag in the background] "Vaccines show up, and they show them to us as something that heals us. Actually, they're part of our death."

(Seriously, she came this close to being in the Avengers.)

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Okay, and now let's move on to one that touches us all closely (at least here, in my country):

Hitler in Argentina.

It's the conspiracy theory ensuring that, after losing World War II, the Nazi leader, the most disgusting dictator and genocide in Human History, came to live incognito in our country. And I ask myself: what the heck did we need to shelter Hitler for? The birth of Alejandro Biondini, who's pretty much our local version of Nazism, was imminent:

Interview with Biondini in 1991 by Mariano Grondona in his program "Key Time":

Grondona: "Would you condemn Adolf Hitler?"

Biondini: "No, we vindicate Adolf Hitler."

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Okay, question: is it possible to keep a secret on such a large scale for so many years? Well, the Math says no. Seriously! I've read that a physicist at the Oxford University (Where else?) took the "humans didn't go to the Moon" theory, and then this guy created a mathematical calculation based on the number of conspirators involved, the time elapsed since the conspiracy, and the inherent possibility that a plot would fail.

For example, in the case of Apollo 11, 411 thousand NASA employees were involved, and according to the variables this physicist analyzed, the lie should have been known in less than four years; half a century passed, and no employee denied the mission. What does this tell us? Well... they were threatened and killed off, of course! It's obvious! [imitating Mirtha Legrand] Stanley Kubrick was not in the coffin! Nobody saw him. Nobody saw him!

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Gimme more!

Famous people who are actually dead.

For example, Paul McCartney. On the cover of the album "Abbey Road", he's barefoot; a clear subliminal message that the real one died and was replaced with a stand-in. (Why?!) It sounds silly, but the rumour got so big that McCartney himself had to go out and publicly deny it... Although come to think of it, he also came out to congratulate the butchers who named their butcher shop "Paul Mac Carne" ["Paul McMeat"], so maybe he's truly a stand-in and, to top it off, looks like a raisin.

Excerpt of another video: "Well, thinking of different names, someone said "Paul Mac Carne". And well, he, being a vegetarian, says the idea was very good, started laughing and sent us a greeting."

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I love this one:

The Reptilians.

It's basically the theory that there's a race of amphibian aliens [Wait for a second: aren't they called "reptilians"?] living among us for centuries and hiding their reptilian features behind human faces.

(Oh, you were telling me they're not actually aliens because they were born here?)

Excerpt of the 1996 movie "Mars Attacks!".

And who discovered this? David Icke! Or "Ique". An unsuccessful former soccer player and sportscaster. (How can you be unsuccessful as a soccer sportscaster?! All you need is a suit!) It's like believing in a religion where your Pope is Diego Latorre.

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Now, I know what you're thinking: after all, how dangerous can all this get? I mean, no conspiracy theory has someone popular to represent it, no spokesperson of ridiculous and implausible plots has reached a truly important position in today's world.

Bah... There's actually only one.

The President of the United States of America.

That's right! Donald Trump, once the leader of the most powerful country in the world, had come to power mostly by throwing out fake news and conspiracy theories. And here are some:

Barack Obama is an immigrant.

Trump: "And I just say: why doesn't he show his birth certificate?"

Global warming is a myth.

Trump: "Obama is saying all of this has to do with global warming and I say all that is a hoax..."

Gisela Barreto was right.

Trump: "At two and a half years old, the baby, the beautiful baby, went to get the vaccine. Now he's autistic."

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Okay, then... Conspiracy theories. For what? Well, in the case of Trump: influence on public opinion and accumulation of power. In the case of people who upload videos to YouTube... What do you think? A profitable, monetizable business! In fact, there's the conspiracy theory that we're actually making this video about conspiracy theories in order to have lots of views and earn buttloads of cash. (We'd never do that!)

And finally, a much deeper, inherent aspect of the human condition:

The need to believe in something.

The world is divided into two types of people: some think everything happens for a reason, everything is a sign, and perhaps there's also a magical entity organizing things for us; the other half of the people think we live in a desolate world without meaning or messages, there are only atoms randomly colliding with each other, and the Universe gives no f***s about us. Which of these two groups seems happier to you? Which one do you belong to? Which one would you like to belong to? I choose to join the conspiranoids! And listen to this, I know exactly what's going on:

The New World Order organized the Lollapalooza at the request of the Illuminati, who wanted to marketingly manage Lali Espósito, who actually wears a mask and underneath is "La Mona" Giménez, who's not actually a monkey but a reptile and has drank all the wine to get immunized against the vaccines at the request of Gisela Barreto, who was born in Corrientes just like Barack Obama, who claimed to have killed Bin Laden, who's actually alive and was driving the car that crashed that night and carried Chano Charpentier, who taught driving to Lady Diana, who was actually Mexican and was assassinated by Donald Trump, who was matched on Tinder with Hitler, who lives in a nursing home in Recoleta and has glaucoma, so he's hitting the reefers with Biondini, who is actually a hippie and a fan of León Gieco, invented global warming and, when being in a bad mood, takes a bus and goes to dinner at "Paul Mac Carne", where they invented the extra-thin Provoleta cheese, which coincidentally has the same shape as the Earth, which is actually flat!

*sigh* Knowledge is power. Quiero creer.

Soundtrack: State Anthem of the Soviet Union.

[captain-sodapop]

Don’t even get me started on Dean’s mischaracterization by the fandom

You bet your ass I have a lot to say about this.

I almost don’t even know where to begin.  So I guess we’ll start by my saying this: I love Dean Winchester.  Like...obviously.  There are a lot of reasons why, and they’re not all just because I find him...insanely attractive.  I can relate to his oldest sibling struggles; I love what a total goober he can be, his selflessness, his concern for humanity as a whole, his defiance, his dorkiness, and the way he has evolved over the years.  He’s like Shrek - he has layers.  Especially now that the boys have been in the bunker for seven years, we can see a more domestic, gentler side to him.  He’s a caregiver, he loves his family and friends, he doesn’t take any shit.  Dean Winchester, like many of the characters on this show, has many admirable qualities.

But he is also deeply flawed.

From a writing point of view, if Dean were perfect in every way, like a superhero, he would be so fucking boring, so he’s more entertaining and realistic as a character with flaws.  Dean is an alcoholic with anger issues; he is incredibly impulsive; he’s constantly putting his foot in his mouth and saying either incredibly insensitive things or poorly-timed jokes; he often views situations as his way or the highway (which to me is why Sam is a much more effective leader than Dean is - not because Dean isn’t smart or is incapable, but because he sometimes becomes something of a...well, a dictator, as he has admitted to seeing himself as in his darkest moments.)  Dean is a really smart guy, too, don’t get that twisted, but he has been shown at times to be somewhat...ignorant.  He is a brilliant tactician, street smart, in-tune to the emotions of others, and is very culturally savvy, but due to a myriad of reasons, he did not have the education that Sam has, or is programmed like Cas to “not get words wrong” or know a bunch of the weird mysteries of the universe.  The fact that he isn’t formally educated in itself is not a flaw, but there’s definitely an ignorant streak in him that I think you can see in his devolving bigotry towards supernatural creatures and almost a lack of knowledge of what’s going on in the world around him (remember how Sam was the one in 13x23 who brought all the Apocalypse World refugees up to speed?)

These qualities can all coexist with each other.  Dean can be an adorable, smart,  old-school nerd who watches Jeopardy! every night (which I would love to see) and not be as traditionally educated as Sam.  And that’s okay.  He can love deeply and fiercely and still be a complete and utter jackass at times.  And that’s okay.  He can stand up to the authorities of the universe and still turn around and boss people around.  And that’s okay.  He can admit to loving rom-coms and then turn around and don his mask of traditional masculinity.  And that’s okay.  And he can go from making burgers and giving Jack his robe to keep warm to screaming at the top of his lungs because he is angry and scared and frustrated and doesn’t know what’s coming next.  And that’s okay.

The reason I’m saying these things are okay is not because I’m excusing Dean for being an asshole sometimes, but because it makes him a more realistic, balanced character that is interesting to the audience.  Perfection is completely unrealistic.  Problem is, a lot of Dean stans - while they know these flaws are a part of him - are not willing to accept that sometimes, Dean is wholly in the wrong.  They try to shift blame and skew the narrative so that Sam, Cas, Jack, Mary...practically everyone Dean loves are responsible for his behavior.  

Which is bullshit.

Dean is the only person responsible for his actions.  The mischaracterization by the fans comes in when they fail to accept this as fact.  They want Dean to be the idealized version in their heads, and use the people he loves as scapegoats for his behavior.  

The most egregious example of this is, probably to no one’s surprise, season nine.  Co-dependence aside, I think Dean really thought he was doing the right thing by saving Sam.  The Winchesters don’t live by the same rules as everyone else, so he thinks it’s just the thing to do to bring Sam back from the brink of death and save him no matter the cost, no matter what Sam himself wants.  Not that Sam wants to be dead, but the way in which Dean had to save him was...very violating and eventually had tremendous repercussions.  Did Dean mean for any of that to happen?  No.  Was Sam right to say that he didn’t want to be brothers anymore?  Probably not, but I also understand where he was coming from and don’t think he completely meant it and was instead trying to both hurt Dean and express his anger at the situation.  But at the end of the day, Dean still made all the choices for himself, and Sam’s anger was completely justified.

Look again at season eight.  The situation is completely reversed: Dean is in Purgatory, Sam is on Earth with a dog and a house and a woman he loves.  Sam is trying to process his grief and move on with his life.  He was completely, utterly alone and rudderless without Dean and Cas.  This is...normal.  People important to you die, and it’s devastating, but Sam was trying to move forward because bringing people back usually has terrible consequences.  Sam is not wrong for doing this.  He is not.  He is not to blame.  Dean has forgiven him for this.  Regardless of what you think of Amelia and the nitty-gritty of the storyline, Sam is not at fault for how Dean chose to react to his choices.  It’s understandable that Dean would be upset by Sam choosing a normal grief process because of their past choices, but he has since forgiven him.  

Neither brother is better than the other for the choices they make because they have both done right and they have both done wrong by themselves, each other, and others.  Same goes for characters such as Cas, Mary, and Jack.  At the end of the day, none of the main characters are any worse or better than the others.

So a lot of fans might get the classic rock, the drinking, the love of cartoons and Jeopardy!, the love for his family and his kitchen...but it often stops there.  They ignore his faults - or simply say his aren’t as egregious - and blame others, or they try to prove that he’s smarter than Sam, or more righteous than Cas, or that Jack or Mary or whoever don’t deserve even the time of day from him because he’s so superior.  Fucking bullshit.

I am good with a Dean Winchester that constantly gaffes, prefers slasher flicks to books, and wears every emotion - good and bad - on his sleeve.  I do not need him to be the smartest, most righteous, morally superior person in the room.  He is who he is, the good and the bad, and he has evolved as a character every season to become a truer version of himself, and as Dean himself says: “I’m good with who I am...and maybe I’m just too damn old to want to change that.”

[goodproofingwater]

Chapter 13 | Tinder Tommy

Word Count: 2522

Taglist (if you would like to be added just ask!):

@a-dorky-book-keeper @ishoutmarcoandyoushout @idesiretomhardy @theamuz @blinderscaps @peakywriting @justanothershelby @contemporary-mary @auroravipers @moonyscardigans @peakysxshelby @miss-shelby-barnes @vintage-fantasyyy @ly—canthrope @morgan-1830 @i-love-you-green @l0tsofpennies @exploringmycosmicsoul

Notes: 

Thank you all so much again for being so patient! I am going to go back and number all the chapters so they are easier to read through, hence the name on this one being a chapter name and not a wordy name (i am so bad at those!). Anyway, please feel free as always to send me any feedback or questions or comments on Tommy or his girl!

You are left with nothing but filthy texts as Tommy’s workload increases to the point where he barely leaves the office, and you wonder on more than one occasion how he would react if you showed up at his office and offered to help him to relax. But you hold back.

You know that this new relationship, if you could call it that, hangs in a very delicate balance of respect, business and lust, and although the more you learned about him the more you saw yourself feeling more than just the need to get on your knees for him, you don’t want to do anything that could change the way he feels about you. At least not until he is more clear with his own intentions as to where this is going.

And so when Jonathon walks into your office and asks you to make yourself free for a meeting at 2pm the next day, you feel a flush of arousal at the thought of being under Tommy’s keen gaze once more.

It had been weeks since you had seen him, and you dress in a white shirt, black pencil skirt and heels for the meeting, pushing your hair back into a slick ponytail in an effort to look professional in case your expression gives away just how interested you are in the man you failed to mention you were sleeping with.

Heels click along marble floors as you walk into what feels like an entirely different world. Shelby Company Limited’s headquarters were not at all what you had been expecting as you got to know a man who was so fond of whiskey and cigarettes. It’s front facing wall was made up entirely of glass, the white floors matched the white marble reception desk which you approached with caution, allowing Jonathan to take the lead as you did your best to hold your jaw tight as you looked around.

Everything that wasn’t white was silver, steel or black save for a huge painting of library shelves which had been composed in such a way that it looked 3D. As you moved towards it clipping the small visitors tag to the black suit jacket you had chosen to wear, it looked as though you were walking through the stacks. It was only when you were standing next to it that you saw the blocks protruding  from the canvas, and you had been so transfixed you hadn’t heard him approach.

“Interesting isn’t it?” His voice is like silk against your ears, delicious and enticing even when he has his professional face on. “I bought it at an art fair when we moved into this office specifically to entrance those waiting for a meeting. I find it has a way of affecting someone’s mindset.”

“Affecting someone’s mindset how?” You answer without thinking, Jonathan’s eyes darting to you as it seems you disrespect one of the most powerful men in London by talking without a proper introduction. Tommy’s eyes bore into yours, his tongue running along the back of his teeth as his lips remain slightly parted, forcing you to remember how he looks at you as you take him deep in your throat.

“Usually in my favour” is his response, and the eye contact lingers for only a moment before it’s broken by Jonathan holding his hand out.

“Good to see you again Mr Shelby.” He offers both of you a strong handshake as you introduce yourself, a small smirk washing over his lips as his thumb grazes the back of your hand in a way that lets you know he’s enjoying playing this game. That he understands from the short conversations he’s had with your boss that you have not told him the full extent of your ties to Shelby Company Limited.

“Likewise, but I will say Jonathan that you’d be seeing me a right side more if you had accepted my offer.

Jonathan’s smile falters, transforming into something you had never seen before, something fake and on the verge of a grimace as if he had been expecting the jibe, but not so soon or in front of company.

“Well while I’m always willing to help Mr Shelby my answer remains the same. I have loyalties to my film and I won’t be leaving any time soon.”

“Shame” he speaks, but he looks bored, as if this was a well rehearsed dance that he was eager to get out of. And maybe it was. Perhaps this very conversation happened much more regularly than you knew.

Just when you were about to step forward to prompt the men into moving, Tommy’s gaze turned to meet another man you had not heard approach regardless of the echo of the hall.

He was inches taller and years younger than the man you had been used to dealing with, a familiarity dancing on the features of the two men made you wonder if this was the younger brother he spoke of when you first met. His shoulders were broad and strong, his back straight and the air of superiority that radiated off of him was infinitely more frustrating than that of his older counterpart.

The younger man wasted no time in running his eyes up and down your body, his gaze hungry and although you could almost feel the smirk willing to form he kept up appearances.

“What time do you call this, Michael?” Tommy shook his arm to force his sleeve down as he made a show of looking at his Rolex, one which you shouldn’t know that he slept in, one which had left marks on your stomach where he had held you flush against his body.

“Sorry Tom had some acquisition orders to sign off and thought it best to get them rolling before this meeting. Michael Gray. Chief Accountant.”

He holds your hand a beat too long and Tommy notices, guiding the three of you into a lift which looks like something from a science fiction film. The floor is a giant light box, mirrors making up two walls and doors on the other two, and Tommy taps a small fob to an almost invisible black circle to force the box to move.

As Jonathan deals with the pleasantries you wonder how much Tommy has told his Chief Accountant. Does the man who is making no attempt to hide his lust know that his boss had you on your knees less than a month ago? He doesn’t show signs of recognition, only a lack of respect in the form of his eyes taking in every inch of your body that he can.

You get to the floor in under a minute, your stomach curiously okay for such a short flight up 26 floors and you are about to comment when the doors open into something the polar opposite of the reception.

Mahogany radiated from every inch of the room, the desks on the main floor large and important, each of them with an old fashioned green lamp and a chair to match. It felt like hundreds of staff as you walked past rows of desks, each member working on laptops and screens which vastly contrasted the desk beneath them.

The mixture of antique and modern was something that shouldn’t have worked but it did, and you were slightly dazed by obviously amounts of money which had been pumped into things which could easily have been bought for cheaper.

The wall of windows remains, and Tommy leads you toward it before turning left through a set of mahogany doors marked “Managers Suite”.

A large break out desk, also mahogany, sits in the middle of what could only be described as a small hall and two regal looking doors lined each wall, with one double set matching those that you had just come through sitting at the far end of the hall, elevated by a few steps.

There were less people here, but you could see the resemblance between some of them immediately, eyes which matches Tommy’s gazing up at you from a younger version of him, being attractive clearly running through genes.

Tommy led you through the double doors which sat upon the raised platform and into an office filled with more mahogany and polished brass, the wall of windows extending across the back wall of his office with blinds had drawn to fight the glare which must easily catch the screen on the laptop which sat on the huge mahogany desk.

But he did not lead you to the chairs which sat opposite, rather to the small square table which held steaming cups of coffee, a white sugar bowl piled high with brown sugar and a small milk jug to match. Each of the cups were decorated ornately, and were sitting on matching saucers.

You sat on the chair opposite Tommy, with Michael on your left and Jonathan on the right, and you listened as your boss and Tommy discussed formalities.

You could feel Michael’s eyes on you as you did your best to pay attention, and you glanced over at him only once his name was mentioned.

The small smile which washed over his features at your eye contact made your pulse race, his tongue darting out to lick at his bottom lip making you swallow thicker than you would have expected especially with Tommy sitting so close, and it’s the older man clearing your throat which diverts your attention from the younger.

“Why don’t you derail the case for us, Mr Gray” Jonathan speaks, and Michael tears his eyes from you to speak to the lawyer, unveiling a tale of a woman who is spreading a rumour that he sexually assaulted her while they both drank at a bar. The story went on that Michael was with several others, including a man of great influence; Jeremiah Jesus, who saw the woman happily partake in the flirting and touching, and a woman, Polly Gray (who turned out to be Michael’s mother) who overheard the woman scheming to “take Michael for millions” by pretending otherwise.  

It wasn’t long before Tommy began to bring you solidly into the fold, asking for your opinion on matters that otherwise would have been left to Jonathan, knowing that the lawyer would not be able to refuse his whims considering the cost of the service. And the best part was that instead of being incensed that he was losing control, Jonathan seemed incredibly impressed by how you were dealing with it.

“Well the thing about defamation claims Michael is that you have to prove that they’re not true.” You hope the implication in your words isn’t too much, but the silence which stretches as they wait for you to continue speaks volumes.

“I’m asking you if you did it” His leans back, confidence injected into his every move

“Do you really think I would do something like that?” You’re glad for the smirk on his features only for the satisfaction which comes from wiping it away.

“Yes. So did you?” Your fire takes him aback more than anything else, and his eyes dart between your questioning gaze and tommy who pretends to stroke his face in an attempt to hide his smirk.

“Like I said” Michael continues, clearing his throat and leaning forward to take his coffee cup and sip, “there’s proof I did nothing of the sort. And I would never treat a woman like that” The second sentence seems to come as an afterthought, his eyes meeting yours as he says it, and you bite your lip as you move your gaze to Tommy who has gone from smiling to serious in the space of a moment. His eyes met yours as his thumb dragged along his bottom lip, and Jonathan spoke to Michael as you practically felt Tommy undress you with his eyes, dominance filtering through his body language as you failed to hide your attraction to his cousin.

The tension was broken as Tommy fixed his attention to the task at hand, and as the meeting came to a close you began to realise the full weight of what you had done by introducing Jonathan to the idea of helping Shelby Company limited. But It wasn’t until after you had exchanged business cards and loaded goodbyes and you were walking across the courtyard having left the building that you realised its effect on your career.

“You were excellent in there,” Johnathan smiled, “I get the feeling that this is the beginning of a long and fruitful partnership”

And although he was offering you drinks and lunches to say thank you for such an affluent deal, all you could think about was when you would see Tommy again is a less professional capacity. And, if you were being totally honest with yourself, what it would feel like to be bent over that huge mahogany desk.

-

Tommy couldn’t help but watch as the gorgeous figure hugging skirt you chose clung to every inch of you, slowly testing his patience, slowly driving him crazy with the thoughts he had to bat off in an attempt to stay professional. Your hips moved as if in time to music toward the lift, and you shook hands with him and Michael, the smell of your perfume intoxicating him more than it had done when he had woken up next to you.

Something about being in this professional setting, or something about the hint of jealousy he felt as you eyed his cousin, had him keen to book in another date, another tryst, another excuse to touch and lick and kiss you.

When he had finally returned to the managers suite, he grabbed Michael’s arm before he had the chance to disappear into his office. It was not lost on him that Michael had been looking at you the way he had, and although he was a man who was not the exclusive kind, he was also not okay with sharing.

“Don’t even think about trying to fuck our lawyers strategist” he takes he professional angle, but the smirk which spreads across Michael’s face tells the older man that he doesn’t care for professionalism in this instance.

“But she’s—“ a moment of realisation washes over the blonde, and his smirk turns into a grin before he speaks louder than Tommy would have liked, “that was the girl from your phone wasn’t it? The one who’s been sending you nudes?”

Tommy swallows, lips parted ever so slightly as he lets the silence talk for him, and Michael let’s out a short laugh before he shakes his head.

“Well damn, a body like that and brains too.. I would be an idiot not to try something..”

The grip on Michael’s arm tightens, and John notices, freeing himself discreetly from the conversation he was having with his executive assistant incase things took a turn for the worst.

“I’m telling you Michael. She’s off limits. Both because of the defamation case, and for your own sake.”

But lines being drawn had never done anything but enthuse Michael to break them, and the shit-eating grin remained on his lips as he sneered, “we’ll see”