#my tumblr is being weird and keeps getting rid of this

[seilon]

considering how tumblr is generally pretty responsive to fixing or at least improving technical issues when they’re complained about en mass, it’s bizarre to me they haven’t gotten rid of tumblr live yet

[catididnt]

The thing is trying to pick between resting, and necessary chores, and what you want to do, and just being lazy (not the same as resting - sleep is not lazy).

I know I need more rest, yet if I give up more things I want then I will only do the necessary and the resting. I tried that and it was very empty. All the necessary is daily/weekly/immediate survival.

I can shuffle the necessary about and made it into patterns to be extra efficient, so there is time for what I want as well as resting, but there’s still no time for being lazy. For just being. I gotta be extra on top of it to get it all to fit, and it really only works when I’m feeling better than normal.

It gets hard to truly rest if you’re being efficient. You got to fit your tasks to your time, and then you’ve got to equate your exhaustion level into how long it’ll take. Your math will get confused.

I want to be lazy. I want to nap with the cats because the sun is warm. I want to dance badly and sing worse when my favorite song comes on without stopping to get back to work after the first chorus. I want to play the mandolin or mess with practicing a language, or any of the little hobbies that are not prioritizes. I want to not feel time pressing against me, counting down.

I guess I want time to be a companion instead.

[catboybiologist]

So.

Re: tumblr bans of transfemmes.

Let's ignore PhotoMatt for a moment. Manbaby tech CEO doubling down on a stupid decision and making himself look like more of an ass doing so is not a new phenomena.

Tumblr has consistently said, in both public statements and leaked internal communication, that they're essentially running a skeleton crew.

They keep saying that they don't have the resources to moderate, manually review posts, have any kind of appeal process, or anything. So, as people have widely received communications about, they seemed to have automated a significant portion of the moderation to operate solely on the quantity of reports (probably with a basic filter, eg quantity of reports regarding a certain post, within a certain timeframe) to automatically ban or shadowban accounts.

And so, they wipe their hands, both to the users, the public, and their own consciousness, and go about their automated operations.

All of this is likely true. Tumblr, at this point, is essentially abandonware internally, a kind of weird vanity project/dumpster ground for server infrastructure for Automattic. Likely, they don't want the bad press of "shutting down" fully. Or maybe the trickle of revenue they get here just barely exceeds operating costs, so why not keep it around?

Whatever is the case, the bans are a result of an automated process working in the background. I'm giving them some benefit of the doubt here, of course, we can't know anything for certain- but it seems like the individual bans are not based on any specific, manual action.

And that doesn't fucking excuse anything.

Because at some point, multiple people sat down at tumblr, and decided how to cut costs.

And they decided that the bare minimum of report abuse prevention was one of the first things on the chopping block.

Before the boops. Before GUI reconfigures.

They decided to cut something that is necessary to manage online communities.

They decided to cut something that ensures any targeted group will have any kind of community online.

And then, after all of that, the only manual intervention is doubling down on the shitty decisions that the automated systems make, and plucking reasons out of their ass for why they were the right decisions all along.

It's pure silicon valley brain. Blame the computer often and always. Use it to shield the active decisions you made when designing the computer that way. Treat it as a fact of life as opposed to something they actively made decisions for.

Is tumblr staff hitting the banhammer on each transfemme one by one? No.

Is tumblr staff deliberately crafting a system that allows TERFs and other conservative bigots to get rid of the "undesirables" for them? Yup. But they sure as hell are trying to not say the quiet part out loud. If they can always point the finger somewhere else, to the advertisers, to the automated systems, to the TERFs, then they can always have juuusssttt enough plausible deniability.

But being the "queerest place on the internet" requires concious acknowledgement that queer people will be targets of harassment, and you will have to protect against that.

Side note, this is why I do try to keep my blog at least somewhat SFW. Its one of the main reasons why I choose not to reblog all of the posts I'm tagged in- if the post is overtly NSFW, I've probably seen it, appreciated it, and consciously decided my level of interaction with it mostly based on how "tumblr friendly" it is. Is that bowing down to them? A little. It's also my choice. I value the community I have here. The pushes that y'all have given me gave me the strength to transition, and honestly gives me a lot of motivation to research HRT biology as much as I can, among many other things.

Yeah, I post pictures that are clearly meant to be found attractive in ways that are generally not socially acceptable , but never actual NSFW. I would like to think that I'm pretty safe from bans, but hey. Who knows. I don't want to lose my follower base, and the community around it.

And yeah, I'm gonna annoyingly remind you of the other places to find me, make sure to check my pin. If you don't know where to go, just find me on reddit and go from there, I'll post about it if anything happens.

[eclipse-has-come]

— John Price Imagine

Thinking about John Price being a victorian era gentleman that died young and owning an antique shop in a building that used to belong to him (he's haunting it).

Warnings: Kinda stalking? "He's a ghost living with you and you don't believe that he exists so he watches you go about your day" kind of stalking so if you're uncomfortable with that, you're welcome to sit this one out.

A/N: Hello everyone! It's my first post on here and i still don't really get tumblr so some things might look a bit weird. I have not written in so long I might as well have forgotton how to do so but I had this dream the other day and i had to write it down because omg it made me feral. Disclaimer, I am not a native english speaker and i have no beta reader so if there are any mistakes, I do apologize!

Anyway, enough about stuff you don't care about, enjoy this short imagine based on my dream!

You finished up your degree not too long ago and your neverending search for a job keeps going nowhere. Everyday you would submit your cv to at least 5 different employers and most of the time, you only received an answer from one. Every interview you managed to snag was a miracle in and of itself. Too bad those didn't go anywhere either.

Everyday while going to your bus stop, you'd see an old victorian building. While once upon a time It would have been a beautiful structure, now it's only a shadow of it's former self. When you first passed the vintage store-front while walking back from yet another failed interview, you payed little to no attention to the dilapitated bricks. That was until you got back to your flat one day and realized it reminded you of an old antique shop you used to visit back home.

Back then it was run by a kind elderly lady, who would always give you old toys that didn't sell well, you recall fondly. Back then younger you was fully convinced that your future was to one day run an antique store just like that.

It should've been just an ordinary morning but the day after you reminisced about the antique shop, something strange happened. While walking your usual route, you noticed with the corner of your eye a man standing on the stairs leading up to the entrance of the victorian building. You ignored him at first (no use in getting involved), until you saw him walk inside- no, phase inside the building.

You honestly didn't even register what had happened until you were walking back home, passing the cursed building yet again. You stopped in front of the entrance, resignation filling you, whatever demon wanted you to check out this poor lump of bricks and giving you weird visions in the process, it had won. Walking up the stairs, you spotted a lone flyer posted on the door:

"FOR SALE"

Underneath the large words was a poorly scratched on number that you could barely make out. That evening you sat on your couch, debating whether to call or not. If you were being honest with yourself, you were running out of options fast and growing more and more desperate by the hour. You sighed heavily and entered the number into your phone.

The cheap price should have been the first red flag, the previous owner claimed it was haunted and "wanted to be rid of the headache as soon as possible" or so they said. When you first entered the inside, you were in absolute awe, It was beautifully adorned with carved patterns, seemingly transporting you back in time.

An apartment was located on the second floor of the building, adding to the convenience of this inexpensive investment. The large display windows were eye catching and even though the building could use a lot bit of work, you could already see just how incredible it would look. Well, you always were a fan of fixer-uppers.

During your diy renovations however, some strange occurrences started to catch your attention. At first it was nothing out of the ordinary, a floorboard creaking (it is a very old building after all) or maybe a box falling over (shouldn’t have packed so much!) but then it starts getting harder and harder to ignore.

Paint splashes on the wall with the bucket it belonged to on the other side of the room, cracks in the window appearing overnight etc. You truly didn’t believe in the paranormal and when the previous owner warned you, you ignored it, waving it off as some guy's crazy talk but this was becoming a little too hard to scientifically explain.

Even still, you powered through, pointedly ignoring any and all warning signs. However annoying these inconveniences were, they weren't truly malicious. No harm ever came to you nor the antiques you got and by the time the store was ready to open, you could only sigh in relief. All of the blood, sweat and tears you poured into this project finally paid off, your younger self would have gone ballistic if they saw you now.

Walking through the aisles filled with old trinkets, admiring their unique charm and the way they looked on the hand-built shelves. You sincerely hoped the next owners would appreciate them just as much as you.

Opening day was incredibly exciting, you were certainly not expecting the amount of people coming to see the new store. Turns out the previous owner was well known in the community, ("The building was passed down through generations!" One lady told you while admiring the ornamental chandelier you installed.) which made many residents eager to meet the next unlucky owner.

What pleased you most of all, is that all unusual situations ceased or at the very least, you stopped noticing them. Which would be understandable, a week into opening and the store was full of hustle and bustle. It truly warmed your heart to see that others treated these unusual objects with as much reverence as you held for them. If there really was a ghost here, then they must agree that what you'd done for the place was for the better, you giggled to yourself.

You turned the ‘closed’ sign around just as the clock struck six on Saturday evening. Even though you're beyond happy the whole store thing worked out, you can't deny that you're incredibly tired. Who knew constant social interaction and standing all day would cause you to want to curl up in your bed all sunday. Walking towards the stairs leading to your apartment, you observed the half-empty shelves, a satisfied huff leaving your lungs. Walking up the creaking stairs, you noted down in your brain to put some paintings on the plain staircase.

Entering the old flat you tiredly trudged through the still unorganised rooms (almost all of your time was spent on the downstairs of the building, your living space was just an afterthought during the renovations), you entered the bathroom to take a long scalding shower. Due to your tiredness however, you failed to notice the near silent footsteps following you.

After several minutes of nearly boiling yourself to relax, you step out of the shower. Careful not to slip, you reach for your softest towel. ‘You worked really hard and now you could finally pamper yourself’ you decided. With your mind set, you turn over to the mirror ready to start your skincare routine when you suddenly freeze in your tracks.

On the steamed up mirror, a short sentence managed to make you reconsider your opinion on the paranormal up until this point. Written in neat letters and gorgeous handwriting, there it was:

"Hello Darling"

[drawingnovels]

LNDS: Kids w/ MC

I got back into Love and Deep Space while also going back to tumblr to look at the tag and I was so inspired by what the community was making!! I drew these kids and make a lot of my own headcanons, but I NEED to point to @goldenstring6123 ‘s post about the boys as parents… it’s so good. It was Rafayel and Sylus specifically that got to me so I had to draw.

Girl dad Raf and twin kids Sylus… PERFECTION. thank you for writing them, @goldenstring6123 !!

MC x Rafayel

Oldest daughter was a total daddy’s girl, before she grew up and began to take on MC’s more… mature personality. Though, still seeks to spend time with Rafayel, in her own way

Seen as the cool, mysterious girl at school

Plays the flute amazingly; Rafayel always buys her an almost ridiculously large bouquet of flowers for every concert and she is secretly overjoyed by it

Spends a lot of time at the beach, practicing or looking for shells for her younger sister

Youngest sister is Rafayel’s partner in crime (but frequently sells him out when MC convinces her with treats… “Et tu, little starfish?!”)

She is constantly asking to help him paint and, of course, he obliges

They both end up in a huge mess

She’s playful and loud, often causes trouble (sometimes Rafayel joins in on her tantrums and they just end up giggling together)

Asks Thomas to promote her own paintings… He has so many of them now

She LOVES cats, much to Rafayel’s dismay and tries to get rid of what she thinks is Rafayel’s “fear” by bringing home the stray cats she comes across

MC x Sylus

The girl twin frequently butts heads with Sylus, acts like an angel to MC

She frequently orders Kieran and Luke around, they call her “Lil’ Boss”

Desperately wants to attend those important meetings Sylus goes to, pitches a fit when she’s told she can’t

Mephisto listens to both twins, but perches on her shoulder more often

Has a sort of… morbid sense of humor as she grows up, tells her family that she’ll protect them if Sylus ever dies ( to which he’ll reply: “At least the N109 Zone will have fitting replacement, darling daughter.”)

Calls herself the “older” sibling and she is fiercely protective over her twin

As an adult, she wants to be in charge of Onychinus and she has more than enough experience for it

The boy twin is the more quiet of the two

Let’s his sister do the talking for him

Sickly as a child, it was a great source of concern for everyone, but he grows healthier

Shy with Sylus because he feels he can’t keep up with him and his sister, but they grow closer over time

He prefers MC, but frequently asks to be carried by Sylus. He likes being tall

He’s the one secretly giving Mephisto treats

Excels in his studies, helps his sister out

As an adult, he struggles in the N109 Zone and prefers Linkon City, but he still wants to help the family

These are my headcanons and if they’re OOC, I’m sorry! I went really specific and I thought of my MC while making them ^^ I’ll probably make another for Xavier and Zane, but I need to think about it some more which is funny because I like those two more than Rafayel…

Anyways, thanks for reading! (And apologies if the formatting is weird, I just joined tumblr again ^^)

[softhairedhotch]

this one to me feels much more oc-like than a reader-insert (bc of all the details i added) but a few of yous said to keep it as a reader fic so i hope this is okay!! don't hate me if you can't relate to it please n thanks <3 also sorry for the weird formatting of my fics/the random bold or italics or small text idk tumblr hates me and keeps doing it!!! comfortember day five: treehouse (+day eight: grief/mourning) aaron hotchner x gender neutral reader aaron is there for you, just like he always is, after you lose your mother. word count: 2.1k warnings/content: parent loss, death of reader's mother, hurt/comfort, some emotional conversations and sad topics, mentions of crying, pet names, kissing, hugging, established relationship. lyrics that inspired this: "do not enter" is written on the doorway / why can't everyone just go away / except you / you can stay / what do you think of my treehouse? / it's where i sit and talk really loud / usually / i'm all by myself

comfortember masterlist here!

also on ao3!

the treehouse

You step out into the back garden and take a deep breath, closing your eyes as you allow the crisp air to wash over you. Aaron steps out moments after and closes the door quietly before his hand finds your lower back. 

"You okay?" He asks, his voice just above a whisper. It's almost drowned out by the sound of mourning doves overheard.

You shrug, your shoulders feeling as though they’re being weighed down by the heavy armour you’re trying–and failing–to shield yourself with. “I will be.”

“Yeah.” He looks around the garden and lets out a short, flat hum. “But no one is expecting you to be okay, you know that, right? There’s no time limit; you’re allowed to grieve.”

“I know.”

“I know you do, sweetheart. But I just wanted to remind you.” You turn to look at him and, at the sight of his genuine concern, your brave face crumbles. He wraps his arms around you immediately, pulling you close and enveloping you in his warmth. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay, I’ve got you. I’ve got you, yeah?” 

“Yeah,” you whisper as you cling to him, trying your hardest to hold back your tears but failing miserably. “I know.”

“Good.”

“I just don’t know what to do.” 

Aaron presses a kiss to your forehead. “You don’t have to do anything.”

You pull back and look up at him, confused. “Yes, I do. I have to… to get rid of everything and sell the, the house. And do all the paperwork and figure out what to do with her antiques and, and, and–”

“Hey, hey,” he interrupts you gently, pulling you back into a tight hug. “Don’t worry about any of that right now. I’ll do that.”

“What, no–”

“Let’s not talk about this now, okay? We’ll sort it out later or tomorrow. Give yourself some time to think about it.”

“But what do I do in the meantime? I can’t just… sit around.”

He thinks for a moment. “Show me around.”

“What?”

“Show me around the house. Tell me everything you can, anything you can remember, and I’ll listen. I wanna know what life was like for you.”

You almost burst into tears at his words. “Really? You wanna know about my childhood?”

“Sweetheart, I wanna know everything about you.”

***

You take Aaron inside the house, taking him to the living room. The room hasn’t been touched in a few days, save for a few files on the coffee table you checked earlier, and you feel sick at the thought of leaving the house behind once everything’s packed away. Then the thought of having to pack everything away makes you feel even worse and you sway on the spot. Aaron notices you falter and reaches out to squeeze your arm gently, standing beside you patiently. 

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do when all this is gone.”

“It doesn’t have to be gone,” he replies. “You can take it all.”

“And keep it where?”

“In our house, in a storage container… there’s many places.”

You think for a moment, holding back tears, before shaking your head. “No. I need to… to let it go. Not all of it, but I can’t keep everything. She wouldn’t wanna weigh me down with all her stuff.”

“Alright,” Aaron says, squeezing your arm again and leaning to press a soft kiss to your cheek. “Take anything you need. I promise we’ll find a place for it. That sound good?” 

You nod and lean into him for a moment before slowly making your way through the living room, grabbing the objects with the most significance to you and telling Aaron about them before sorting them into a box to take back to the house. You pack a few of your favourite DVDs, ones you’re sure won’t even play anymore with how scratched they’ve become, as you tell Aaron vague memories of watching them as a kid. What happened when you watched them, who you watched them with, how you felt–anything that comes to mind because you know he’s listening.

A few family photos are displayed on the TV stand, as well as a cabinet in the corner, and you relive the memories of when they were taken as you tell him all about them. He asks to look at one closer and you give it to him, watching as he smiles down at a photo of you with your old dog. “You looked happy.”

“I was,” you reply, nodding. “Some of the time, anyway.”

He gives you a small smile and hands you the picture. “I know what you mean.”

You continue to walk him around the house, showing him dents in the wall from where you hurt yourself and little drawings you hid behind drawers and peeling wallpaper. He listens intently, smiling at your happy anecdotes and comforting you when tears well up in your eyes as the worst memories cloud your mind. You show him your childhood bedroom, telling him about friends that used to come over for sleepovers and the first time you kissed someone behind the open door so no one would see. 

“My first kiss was with Haley,” he replies. “In the theatre room at our school.”

“Isn’t that where you first met her?”

“Yeah. I kissed her in the same spot I first saw her.”

“Aw,” you smile as you grab an old diary and throw it into your bag. You’ll read that later when you’re alone so you don’t embarrass or upset yourself anymore in front of Aaron. “You’ve always been a romantic, how cute.”

He blushes and presses a kiss to your cheek as he passes by, making his way to your desk and flicking through a few papers you left there when you were last over. “You think you’d want these?”

“Probably not, doubt they’re important.”

Aaron nods and begins to open the drawers, pulling out miscellaneous items and silently dividing them into piles of things you might want to keep and things you’d throw away. You watch him with a sombre smile, feeling your chest ache at the realisation that he knows you so well and that his love for you is endless. When he catches you watching him, he pauses and raises an eyebrow. “You okay?”

“I love you, you know that, right?” 

“Of course I do,” he replies, closing the drawer and walking back over to you, wrapping his arms around your waist to tug you close. “I love you, too. More than you’ll ever know.”

“Hm, I don’t know. I think I have a pretty good idea.”

“I don’t want to doubt you, sweetheart, but I really don’t think you do.” He presses a sweet kiss to your lips, channelling all his love into it. “I can’t even begin to express how much I love you. I just… do.”

You press another kiss to his lips to hide the tears welling up in your eyes. The love you feel for him is so strong it feels like you might burst. He kisses back, letting you take the lead. Pulling back, you look deep into his eyes and smile the first genuine smile you’ve been able to manage since you first heard the news. “I love you more.”

Aaron chuckles. “Sure you do.” He presses a chaste kiss to your lips with a hum. “Ready to carry on?” 

“Yeah,” you mutter, going to pull away before a thought strikes you and you let out a sharp breath. Aaron pulls you back into his arms immediately, looking down at you in concern but keeping silent to give you a moment to think. “Sorry, I just… realised that that was gonna be my last kiss in this room.”

“Is that a good thing? Or bad?”

“I don’t know,” you reply honestly, feeling out of it. “I don’t like the thought of everything we do in this moment being the last of anything, but… the fact that it’s you that I’m doing all this with… yeah, I think that’s a good thing.”

He smiles sweetly at you, love shining so clearly in his eyes, and presses a kiss to your forehead. “Then let's stay here for a little longer.”

“We should get it over with, I don’t wanna waste all your free time off work. You deserve to get some time to yourself.”

“Oh, honey,” he sighs, wrapping his arms around your shoulders and resting his head against yours. “This isn’t a waste of my time. Trust me. I want to be here, with you, for you, and that’s all that matters. Don’t think like that, okay? I’m here because I want to be, not because I feel like I have to. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” you whisper. “It does.”

***

“I guess that leaves the treehouse,” you shrug, feeling drained as you step back outside with Aaron following you. You stare up at the treehouse, wondering if it's necessary to go up there. “You don’t have to come up. It’s pretty small.”

“I’ll go wherever you go.”

“You’re so cheesy,” you say with a small smile, even when his words mean the world to you.

He smiles at you. “You love it.”

“I really do.” Making your way to the treehouse, you glance at Aaron and allow a small smirk to dance over your lips. “Don’t stare at my ass as I go up.”

Aaron laughs. “No promises.” 

You roll your eyes and begin climbing, risking a glance back to find Aaron’s eyes firmly on the ground and being as respectful as ever. It makes your heart skip a beat. Reaching the top of the ladder, you look at the treehouse's entrance and cringe at the big ‘DO NOT ENTER’ sign hanging beside the doorway. It was a sign you carved yourself when you were younger. When you look inside the treehouse, your heart aches as memories flood through you. It takes you a few seconds to force yourself inside but once you clamber in, you call down to Aaron to let him know he can join you.

The sound of him climbing up surrounds you as you push yourself into your favourite corner, one filled with soft padding and blankets. A few of your favourite books are scattered across the floor and pictures of you and your childhood friends cover the walls. The nostalgia hits you hard and you bite your lip to stifle a sob. 

Aaron joins you, crawling inside and looking around with interest. As he gets comfortable in the small space, his long legs curling against himself to fit, you realise it’s the first time anyone’s ever been in the treehouse with you. Or at all. 

He remains silent, waiting for you to be the first to talk. You appreciate that. 

“I used to come up here a lot,” you say after a few minutes. “To read, to think, to talk to myself out loud… everything.”

“And did it help?”

“Yeah,” you nod, reaching over to grab one of the books beside you. It’s one you’re sure you’ve read a million times over, the pages worn and yellowing and a small layer of dust covering the outside. “It was nice. Peaceful. Somewhere I was never bothered.”

“I had a place like that,” Aaron muses, smiling at you. “Not as personal as this, though. It was a bench a few blocks from where I grew up, hidden by a few overgrown trees. I liked it.”

“Did you go there a lot?”

“Whenever I could. Couldn’t go much in the winter because of the cold, though.”

You huffed out a laugh. “Same here. Still came here even if I meant I almost froze to death.”

His smile becomes sad but there's clear understanding in his expression. “Yeah.”

The two of you sit inside the treehouse for almost an hour, talking about whatever comes to mind. Aaron listens intently to every word you say, his comforting hand drawing patterns over your thigh and eventually over your side when you move to curl up against him. You feel yourself drifting off at one point when the exhaustion settles deep in your bones, feeling so safe and warm and loved and comforted beside him, but you force awake to finish back up in the house. 

Aaron follows you inside, as he always has and always will, and comforts you through everything that comes after that. He helps you pack up the house, assuring you over and over that you can take however many boxes you want back to the house you share with him. He sits with you for days after, mostly in silence when the grief catches up to you and you can hardly think, never once looking as if he’d rather be elsewhere. He holds your hand throughout the funeral, never once leaving your side or once letting you think for a moment that you’re ever alone. And even after it’s been weeks, months, years, since that moment, he’s there for you whenever you need a shoulder to cry on. Just like he always has been. 

[astolfofo]

deja vu, Jamis vu

BSD beast au x reader. Based on the end of the beast movie.  AUTHORS NOTE: SO. ITS FINALLY DONE. ITS 4AM I AM ON IPAD TUMBLR AND UHHHH… I tried to edit this. but. TUMBLR WAS BEING AN ASS. and the two hours I spent editing this went down the drain. Mere words could not describe the grief I felt at 3:37 in the morning. I would have screamed if I weren’t so zombieified. Then, I tried to be paitent and edit it another time, but tumblr was like: haha no. so it didn’t save. I swear it’s not my fault if you have a stroke while reading this. I sacrificed my sleep for an entire week to do write this. Please give me some credit for my suffering. /lh

Also keep in mind. I have watched the DA movie and the beast movie a whopping total of 1 time. It’s probably very off from what I was trying to communicate, cause I legit have no clue what goes on in the light novels... spare me the slander. 

Last thing, I tried something new with this one, so there’s weird ahh switches between first person and 2nd person in this. Idk how good it is, lmk if i should never do it again.

Tw: head injury, murder, blood, suicide, yeah I think that’s about it.

word count: 6.8k  

To all the Chuuya enjoyers out there, I’m sorry for being a disappointment.

Tags: @redeemingmygloryintopurgatory

I’m wet.

Im standing outside his door, knocking as it rains outside, without an umbrella, cold, and of course, drenched.

Helplessly, I knock on his door, hoping for a response from him. I know it’s pointless, by now. I should cut him out of my life by now, I should… leave him. He’s not a good person, he’s part of the Port Mafia, for the love of god… I’m scared of him. He could crush me at any moment. Hell, he breaks into my house so frequently, and even though he’s done no harm… he could kill me at any moment. So why am I here? Shouldn’t I be relieved that he hasn’t shown up at my apartment for over a month now? I… just can’t…

Lightening splits the sky in half and the sound of thunder cracks in the air.

Your fist slides down the window pane of the door. It makes a terrible sound, and you wince in pain from the sting of the friction. You should just go home. It was obvious Chuuya wasn’t even home, he never was. And if he wasn’t even home, how would he even answer the door? You regret coming here in the first place, you didn’t even know why you chose to. Was it out of worry? Was it because you had to say something to him? You couldn’t remember by now, it was all on impulse. 

Chuuya had broken into your apartment countless times. Still, no matter how many times you’d snap at him, how many times you’d emptily threaten him, or try to push him off the balcony, he still came back the next day, unphased. You couldn’t get rid of him, no matter how hard you tried. And after many days, you had learned to accept that someone could break into your home at any given moment.

And you had no knowledge of how he knew you, let alone knowledge of how he even got your house key. Or maybe he picked your lock. You couldn’t be sure and you really did not want to know. 

Every day, you’d come back home from work, and Chuuya would be sitting on your couch, drinking your wine (much to your own distaste). You’d usually give him a dirty look, and he’d glare in return but you’d say nothing. You preferred not to talk to him, and Chuuya wouldn’t raise conversations by himself. He always sat in the corner of the room, observing… scrutinizing every move you made. On the rare occasions when you had managed to start a conversation with him, it was always painfully awkward.

You once remember asking him why he was here, what he wanted from you, and his true intentions. Chuuya looked at you in an amused manner and stared out the window. 

“Why I’m doing this? You’ll find out yourself when the time is right.”

By the time you had woken up, he was always gone. As if he was never there in the first place. The only thing he’d leave was the wine glass he’d drink out of, and your clothes you had hauled back from the laundromat messily folded, in your drawer. Occasionally, when it warm out, he’d leave the window open. They were small actions. Meant to be noticed, but not returned.

The splashing of rain intensifies, as you stand on Chuuya’s porch. He’s not home. You can’t stand here forever. You have to get back home before it’s too late.

What a great way to spend my time off work.

But you wanted to try one last thing before you left. Maybe his door was unlocked the entire time. Although you would doubt it, it was worth a try. It was so stupid to do this, all of it was. But your curiosity is getting the best of you, and you desperately wanted answers. Answers only Chuuya could give.

So, you grip the door handle and twist the doorknob. Much to your shock, the mechanics of the door click, and the door opens.

Chuuya had left the door unlocked. He forgot to lock his own door. You take a step up, and stand in the doorway. The rain is still hitting your back, and you groan realizing that you’re dripping water onto the floor. Quickly, you step in and shut the door. You twist the lock, ensuring that no one else would come in.

You sure hope Chuuya wasn’t going to come home tonight. The thought of it made the hair on your neck stand slightly. 

You take off your shoes which are drenched in water and stare in the mirror. You’re soaked to the bone. Your clothes are completely see-through. You’d need to change them. That could wait, though. If the rain stopped, you’d go home as soon as possible.

Okay. Quick in and out it is. I need to find my spare key, and I need to find what happened to him after the explosion in the sky that day. The one that happened on the top of the… port mafia building. You shudder. I wonder what happened. It was so bright that it looked as if the sky exploded for a second. The next thing you know, everything is back to normal… except it isn’t. A dead body is found at the bottom of the building.

Followed by that, I never saw Chuuya again, but many people that were close to me have been avoiding me. When asked why, they avoided my question. There isn’t a strong connection there, but I think… that all of these events are connected somehow. Chuuya never appears again, and the fact he works for the Port Mafia, definetly does not help. 

Additionally, the Armed Dective Agency sent me a letter to be wary of Chuuya. With no additional information. There’s something going on here. Something is wrong. Something terribily wrong.

And I’m scared.

Apprehensively, you take several steps inside the house. You keep getting the feeling that you may get caught. But you don’t hear anything at the door. It’s a painful paranoia.

You inhale and exhale.

I’ll start looking for hints first. I don’t need an answer right away. One hint will be able to give me lots. I’ll start from his room, that’s where people are most likely to hide things.

You walk as quickly as possible across the empty corridor in the house. His house is eerily empty. There isn’t much in it, just a lot of furniture, a shelf of wine, messy papers and a few books placed sparsely across the rooms.

You walk up the stairs, which slightly creaks under your weight. You try your best to ignore any noises and try to stay focused. As you reach the top of the stairs, you see his bedroom, which is the first room at the end of the staircase.

You walk towards the room, you open the door and look around. Chuuya’s room is surprisingly fuller than the rest of the house. There is a dresser, with several items stacked on top of it. It has drawers, which you assume were full. His closet was also filled with clothes, with various hats on the shelf above in his closet.

Chuuya’s bed was neatly made, giving the impression that he had not been home in weeks. Unoccupied, cold, and abandoned. Yet you felt a temptation to lie in it either way. Your eyes dart to the dresser again, and you look at the various items spread out on it. None of these are of much use to you. Besides the gun that seemed unused.

Your hands move to the drawers and you begin to search them. In the first one, there was nothing. Just a bunch of stationery, and papers, some of which had blood on them. You shudder in disgust and move on.

You struggled to pull the second drawer. After a moment, it slides open and you look at the inside contents. You stare at it, wondering if you open it. There is no address on it, and it isn’t sealed. 

You have a bad feeling about this, but your hands move faster than your brain. You pull out the piece of paper and read its contents.

The letter is addressed to you. It doesn’t include much. Just A single sentence that holds an address. 

And then it hits you.

Chuuya had been planning this for a long time. He had purposely left the door unlocked, left his house empty, and left you because he knew you would try to find him one day.

It infuriates you more than you expect. But you can’t stop here. You’ll go to a specific location. 

Just to be sure, you look in the third drawer, you see your spare key, as well as a lock cutter. 

Its dark now. It’s still pouring. You have no choice to stay here for tonight. Begrudgingly, you curse yourself for dragging yourself into this. Still, you were in too deep to back out now. Whatever happens, will happen.

-

You wake up. 

You're lying on Chuuya's bed, in his clothes, begrudgingly. Your own clothes are discarded onto the floor, dried during the time you had been asleep. Still, you don't exactly feel like changing into them. It felt too gross to wear them. 

You shake your head. Now's not the time to be thinking about that. You sit up, and stretch your arms. Then, you walk towards the desk again, and look at the address. You take note of the address, and take your spare key. Before you go, you flip over the paper, ensuring that you didn't miss anything. There's another sentence scribbled on the top of the paper.

I know you're reading this. You want to know why I'm gone, and why I did this. The address that is provided will help you, but it will not give you the answer, nor will I be there. 

…What? 

You read the sentence over and over again. The words sink in, making you feel conflicted. You knew you were getting yourself into a certain kind of danger by doing this, but you didn't expect it to be this risky. Hell, you didn't even know where the man was now, and not to mention… the location…

You look at the location again.

It's on the street where the explosion happened. And you're no fool. If it was on that street, it meant it was that building. There were no other possibilities. You doubt it would be any other one of those tall skyscrapers, anyways. The one where the explosion happened was the only building Chuuya had any affiliations with.

Which was going to be incredibly difficult to get into. Let alone, to the top floor. You'd be dead even trying to set foot into the door. It wasn't worth your life for this. You should forget about it and go back home.

You look through the paper again, hoping there might be something more to help you. Sighing, you came back with nothing. I suppose I really have to go through with this, don't I? There's no turning back. 

-

The walk to the Port Mafia's building was rather short, if you were being completely honest. It was located in the heart of Yokohama, and was one of the tallest buildings there, if that told you anything. 

You stand outside the building, as the apprehension and fear build up inside you. You had never felt as much of a need to run from anything, as much as you did now. The doors, despite their grandeur size, and large glass design, looked uninviting. Almost like doors to a bank vault; the kind of doors that told you, you wouldn't be able to get out, as soon as you stepped in. And from various things people has told you throughout the years, the Port Mafia keeps people it's had come into contact with. It's more powerful beyond belief. 

It doesn't need to control you. You'll be forced into being pliant for them, simply by fear. No one can betray them. Death is almost a guarantee if you do.

And recently, they had also become violent as well. You might as well be walking yourself into a death wish.

But your feet remained rooted into the ground, and part of you remains determined to see this through. So you take a deep breath and walk into the building. 

You try to remain calm as you push through the doors, into the lobby. You pray Hou won't be swatted with bullets as soon as you enter, but much to your own surprise, there's no one in the lobby. It's completely empty.

It doesn't feel right. You wonder if what happened. Well, it's not your business anyways. You couldn't care less. You just needed to find whoever Chuuya's office is and-

"Who are you?"

shit. you curse under your breath. "I-I'm," you turn around to face the person talking g to you. As soon as you do this, the man's eyes widen, and you acknowledge away slightly. "Sorry… um… do you know where Chuuya is?"

You had never felt so idiotic and out of place in your life. You can physically feel your heart pounding inside your chest, as you pray you don't look too suspicious. You can't mess up here. Though the man you are currently talking to isn't holding any firearm. That may just as well mean he has even worse methods to kill you off.

"He's not here."

of course, he isn't. You think to yourself. He wrote that in his own letter, or whatever you call it. 

"He's been arrested." The man looks you directly into your eyes, and as on instinct, you look down, too scared to actually look at him. A few moments pass in silence.

"Can you… perhaps tell me why?"

"After the previous Port Mafia executive committed suicide, Chuuya was forced to lead the Port Mafia. He hated the job greatly, and he eventually…" He stops himself.

"Go on." You mutter.

The man tilts his head and looks at you again. "Are you sure? If you want to see him… it's better just to see for yourself." He stops for a second. 

"No… please tell me. Tell me everything that you possibly can."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Fine then. If you insist."

"Chuuya lost his control over himself. He slowly became more, deranged, if you will, as time went on. After the old executive killed himself, Chuuya had no one left. Or at least, that's what we saw. His orders became more and more irrational, often just resorting to killing everything, and slowly, he eventually broke. He went on a rampage, as you've probably seen, Yokohama is not safe with him around. He almost destroyed Yokohama in its entirety, and it took serveral organizations to stop him. I don't know the exact details after that. He remains locked up underground."

You feel as if you had been doused under cold water. You didn't only have your question answered, but that also explained several other things as well. You try to recollect your thoughts while figuring out what to do next.

"By the way, you look familiar."

"How so?"

"I don't know, to he honest. You look like someone who used to work here. Maybe my mind js tricking me, though. You look too weak to be here."

"Yeah," you force out an awkward laugh, "I could never work here for the life of me."

"Figures."

another awkward pause, as you stare at the man.

"I assume you need Chuuya's location, don't you?"

You nod.

"Here." He hands you a piece of paper, with an address messily scrawled onto it. "Although, I don't recommend going to see him, tell the guards you are a relative of his. Hopefully, it will convince them enough to let you in. Though, if you want, I'm sure you can attempt to knock the guards out. Chuuya's well… very restrained so he won't hurt you."

"Ah… thank you."

"Don't mention it."

You bow and leave.

"Hey wait-" the man calls out, his voice echoing through the empty lobby. He seems hesitant to ask something. You stop and turn around. "Yeah?"

He looks down, and awkwardly avoids eye contact for a second. It's at this moment you realize he's a man with short, white, hair, as well thick bangs that were cut into a slant. He’s rather short, and he’s wearing a long jacket.

He looks… familiar. I wonder why.

“What’s your name?” 

You stare at him for another moment before answering. “It’s Y/N.”

You could have sworn you had seen a face of surprise from him for a second, but it could have been your imagination because the next instant you blink, it’s gone. “I see,” he says slowly. “Be careful then. He’s not the same as what you may remember.”

As… I remember? What….

“Nevermind. Forget I said anything. Just go to the address, and everything will make sense.”

“Hey wait-”

He’s already turned his back and left on you. You’re left with so many more questions than you started off with, and dread creeps up you again. There was a warning tone in his voice, almost as if telling you to do this was a terrible idea. That you were going to be landing yourself in scalding hot water, and you wouldn’t be able to get out. You knew the risks from the start, but…

You quickly unfold the paper, and look for the address. Once again, the address is written in the center of the paper. You carefully look around for any other writing on the paper.

It’s completely white. Blank. Except for one sentence on the bottom: It’s never too late to back out. 

And you stare at it, and think about the several cryptic warnings you received from this man. So… you’re telling me, that after that explosion happened in the sky… a dead body, the previous executive was found. Then shortly after that, Chuuya became the executive of the Mafia. He hated it. But he had no choice and was left alone to do it. Eventually, he lost his sanity and mind and the Mafia… I guess? Because very corrupt, violent, and unsafe. It took many people to stop him, and how he was arrested in an underground cell. At this address.

It’s clear he’s cutting something out. He said to be careful. Of course, if Chuuya has lost his mind, I need to do that. But he empathized that I should be wary of him. Also, he said I looked familiar, and he also looks familiar to me. He mentioned something about… me remembering? Have I known Chuuya for longer? 

But he also said that only Chuuya has the answers to all my questions. So that means in other words, he knows what happened during the explosion, he knows that Chuuya has been breaking into my apartment and he knows more about my entire predicament now, than I do.

Just… who exactly is he? How and why?

You cut yourself off from those thoughts. 

Ugh. this is ending up being so much more complicated than it was supposed to be. You thought in bitterness. So basically, I’ll go to the address, and get the answers to my questions. Sounds simple enough. There’s no need to overthink this. Maybe i’m just being paranoid. What’s the worst that could happen?

Well, a lot. But I’ll just ignore that for now.

You turn around and walk towards the door again. To be honest, you don’t want to know what might happen once you see him. You were already nervous from the implications the man had told you moments ago, and you were coming to realize there were some things that you noticed when you were in Chuuya’s house. Things that you maybe weren’t supposed to know about or see.

In the bottom of the drawer… there were documents. Documentation of everything that happened on the day of the explosion. A bright light illumined the sky, followed by the dead body found; the previous port mafia’s executive; Dazai Osamu. The two closest people to the explosion were a member of the port mafia, Atsushi Nakajima, and a member in the training of the Armed Detective Agency, Ryounouske Akuwatagawa. They are believed to be the cause of the explosion.

No one knows the exact events inside the Port Mafia on that day, except for the individuals involved in the actions that happened. According to the Armed Detective Agency, Akuwtagawa had barged into the Port Mafia to challenge the Port Mafia Executive. He accordingly, fought many individuals in the Port Mafia, a body count is yet to be determined. Data from thereon forth is unknown until the individuals reach the top of the building, where the most notorious event stated above occurred.

Additionally, after thorough examination of the body of the previous Port Mafia Excuetive, it can be concluded that he had committed suicide by jumping off the building. 

The document ends there, and the paper is ripped in half.

-

It felt like every meter you travelled towards that location was walking towards a terrible, yet inevitable fate. The drive there, dragged on and on as if mocking you for your choices. You find yourself counting down the seconds until you can arrive at the location given.

Oh, how you wished you had stayed at home instead of seeking him out. If only your morbid curiosity hadn’t gotten the best of you.

You’ve lost track of the time you’ve spent on the train, only waiting for the loudspeaker to announce your stop. The location you figure you were given led you to a rather remote area, likely in the outskirts of Yokohama. If not further. The man had told you he was locked underground, completely isolated from everything.

You found that part the most unsettling. If they needed that many security measures to keep him in place, it was likely he was completely gone. Gone beyond saving. If he had succumbed that much to his own grief and madness, it would be a question of whether he would still remember you or not. 

You look out the window again, enjoying your last moments of peace.

This is the eerie calm before the storm, isn’t it?

Moments after you think that, the train halts to a stop at the last station in Yokohama, and you get off. Your heart is pounding wildly in your chest, and you’re not sure if you can stop it.

You try your best to remain calm. Force yourself to keep going. He’s special to you. You can’t lose him, even if you hate him. You need him. He’s the only one who still cares. 

And above all, he’s the only one who remembers you at all.

And so, you go. You take all the correct turns. You try to walk as quickly as you could, to arrive at the destination. You keep going, and going and going until…

You’re here.

It’s one of the better buildings on the outskirts of the city, yet… it looks incredibly unsettling. It’s a mundane building, one made from standard concrete, and glass. Yet. As you stand so close, you see cracks in the building. The door is partially cracked as well. 

Well, I’m here already. Whatever happens, happens. I may die in there, still, before I die, I have to know the answer. The answer… why can’t I remember? Chuuya. I want him to tell me, what he did to me. Why he came to my apartment every day. Why he’s… he’s…..

Oh. My hands are shaking. Surely I cannot be this terrified can I? I will do this even if it kills me.

You pull the door open and enter the building. The piece of paper told you that it was on the lowest floor. Your footsteps echo in the empty building, and it feels creepy no one is here.

Huh. Gives some Deja Vu, doesn’t it?

You proceed towards the elevator at the end of the hall, and press the down button. Almost instantly, the elevator makes a “ding” noise, and the doors open. You quickly step in and look for the lowest button. With a deep breath, you push the button, and the door closes.

You stare at your face in the mirror. You look terrible. Pale and your hair is completely dishevelled and a mess. If you didn’t know any better, you’d look like you were sick. You had been extremely anxious about this for an entire day, after all.

The elevator doors once again slide open. 

Here goes nothing. You sigh. I’d better hear you talking today, Chuuya. You have a lot to tell me. And you’d better tell me it all.

You step outside the elevator. There’s nothing. Absolutely nothing, and no one here. The halls are empty, and the strong scent of stale air, combined with dust fills your nostrils. You feel like coughing for a second, but you hold yourself back. You didn’t want to make any noise to give away your presence. You take another step.

Despite what the man said, it was clear that there was no one else there. No prison guards, no other cells inside. It was clearly a floor made, simply to detain one individual in particular. Isolated, and secure enough that they’d never be able to escape. Deep enough underground that they’d never even know where they were.

Your footsteps tap loudly against the concrete and echo everywhere around. As you walk down the hall, the lightbulbs behind you light up. The man had told you it was in the deepest part of the prison. However, what he didn’t account for, was that you had no idea how this floor was organized. 

Not to mention it was starting to get creepy really quickly. Although there should be nothing else in here, you were starting to get the sense that there was something dangerous that might lurk in the air. You tell yourself it’s probably just the dark and your own fatigue and you were imagining things.

The emptiness of the entire building creeps you out. It’s eerie. It feels like you were lead into the wrong location, and you were walking into a dead end. It almost felt almost like a trap that you had been lured into. And every second, the floor grew significantly more eerie. The lack of any presence and the darkness despite the very few lightbulbs attached to the ceiling enhanced that. 

I should be getting close now… right?

You were. You could see a light at the end of this hallway, which was illuminated with an orange light. It must have been where Chuuya’s cell was. There was no other place as illuminated as this, and there was no reason for it to be.

You had gotten this far. There was no reason you should be stopping now. Should you? The answer… you had always looked for, you could get it now.

Chuuya always hid something from me. He has never answered once, one of my questions. He’s never told me why he comes to my house every day, he never told me once why he was gone. For as long as I remember, I’ve been coming back from my job, and seeing him there. But one day, he disappeared. No reason why, no reason of how. He just did.

But apart from my job, there’s another piece missing to this puzzle. There’s something else that I’ve always wanted to ask him besides why he’s gone missing, and the explosion which I already had the answer to. He knows me, better than I know myself.

What was I before all of this happened?

I know there’s something before all of this. It just doesn’t add up. The man I saw in the mafia looked familiar. The building itself was in a place that I had felt I had been in at some time before. There’s deja vu there.

But when I first walked into the apartment, the first day before I saw Chuuya, I had jamais vu. A familiar place, that I didn’t know. And consequently, I couldn’t remember much before that. So what-

“I know you’re there, (Y/N). You’ve been standing there for quite some time.”

Shit.

Your thoughts are cut off by that voice you instantly knew. Chuuya was indeed, there. But his voice didn’t sound the same as you remember. There wasn’t any of the snarkiness, or egotistical attitude in his voice anymore. Instead, his voice was laced with aggression, and a malice that made you hesitant to even come forward.

You open your jaw to speak, but almost if Chuuya knew, he spoke before you. “I know what you’re thinking. You want to know why I left you, don’t you? I assume that someone has already told you about what happened on the day I stopped seeing you, and I’m sure you know all about the aftermath of that.”

You feel like you are doused in cold water. How did he know? Did he plan all of this. You want to open your mouth and tell him to slow down, but he continues, anyways.

“And you’ve been having deja vu for several days, too. You feel like you know the Port Mafia building, you feel like you recognize everything you saw, including my home.” Silence, as he pauses for a second. “So why don’t you… come and face me, and I’ll tell you what actually happened?”

“Chuuya-”

You hear no response. You sigh and walk towards his cell. You’re not ready to hear this, and you’re not sure you can face him.

He’s different. He’s not the same anymore. He sounds more violent, his composture is much less controlled than it was before. What…what happened to him?

And then you approach his cell. He’s got cuts everywhere, specifically the gash on his face. You instantly feel the need to run away, to get this image out of your mind. He was thin, his face was significantly more gaunt than it had been the last time you had seen him. And the most unsettling thing was how he was kept. Both arms were harshly chained to the ceiling and the wall. The chains were wrapped around his arms several times (you would assume most likely to stop him from breaking free), and they cut deeply into his arm. Then his body was also tightly bound to a chair, and his legs were bound to the chair’s legs. His body you noticed, was bound so tightly to the chair, you wonder how he still managed to breathe. Still, nothing would be as unnerving as to look at as his eyes. They were not dull per say, but they were empty. Not in the hopeless kind of way, but in the tormented sense that he had been tortured so badly that it would be unlikely he ever saw the light of day again.

Truly, he was a lost cause. You could only describe him as tortured and traumatized, as you couldn’t glance at him a second time.

“Hey. You done oogling yet?” His voice came out as almost an aggressive snarl, and you instantly look away. “Look at me.” You do your best to look at him, while trying to avoid looking at any part of his face in particular. You didn’t want to see it. Truly, you don’t want to look at him in any way whatsoever. So you settle on looking at a corner of his hair. The only thing that was still familiar to you.

“I said look at me. In the eyes.”

You don’t want to.

Chuuya sighs. “I know I probably look terrible right now, but please. Just do it. For the sake of me. Just look me in the eyes. It’ll probably be the last time I see someone for a long time.” He draws that last sentence out for longer than you expect, and you start to feel uneasy again, but you try to ignore that and ask him the question. The question you had been dying to ask for an undefined amount of time.

It’s a second before you can really bring yourself to ask it. “Chuuya. Where are my memories?” your mouth tightens… “Who am I? Why did you… do this?” You take a deep breath, to stop yourself. “Just tell me. Please.”

There’s another stretched-out pause before Chuuya responds again. “I knocked you out.”

“You… you what? N-no… you’re kidding right?” Your voice wavers slightly, before seeing Chuuya’s face again. He’s dead serious. “Why would you do this?”

“You were in danger. I couldn’t help it, alright?” He yelled, and you flinch. He takes a deep breath in again, slightly more calm, and continues. “Let me explain.”

“You were part of the Port Mafia, (Y/N). In fact, you, me, and Dazai used to be assigned to the same team all the time. Of course, it was always despicable working with Dazai. He never told us about anything, instead only telling us what to do, while he schemed about whatever he damn chose.”

“You can’t be serious…”

He scoffs and rolls his eyes. “Do you think I’m joking right now? That I’m making a story and pulling it out of thin air for fun? You wanted answers. I’m giving them to you right now.”

“Right. Sorry.”

Chuuya ignores you and goes on. “Out of the three of us, you were always the weakest one, without a strong ability, nor any supportive abilities, however, we always had to drag you along anyways. To every mission gaven to us. Dazai would always make a plan, and we’d have to follow through. And if any of us ever messed up, we’d always get into trouble.”

“I bet you wanted to know how you got that bruise on your arm, that’s never healed, huh? Well, it’s cause you messed up one of the missions, and one of the higher-ups broke your arm. It never completely healed, and it was a warning that you should never mess up again.”

You look at your arm, where the ugly purple bruise marred your skin. It had never healed, and you couldn’t do anything heavy with it. Although it made a lot more sense than the reasoning you were told, you found this all too unreal. There was no way you were a mafia member. You were always weak. There would have been no reason for you to join. But even past the static buzzing in your brain, you could make out everything he said feeling familiar. As if your memories were just behind a wall you couldn’t break through.

“Still, I wasn’t able to do anything at the time, and Dazai didn’t care too much for you. The damned bastard treated everything and everyone like a chess piece, and played them as he wished. You were constantly treated as the runt of the three of us, and often used as the punching bag when missions weren’t successful. But, over time, you managed to become more ‘competent’ and not ‘drag us back’.”

“Of course, that all was, until the Dragon Head incident. All you need to know was that it was a bloody fight, and most of us were sent to deal with it.”

“As always, we were sent to deal with the mess. Dazai and I were obviously vanguards during the entire ordeal, and you were backup. When we had found the person behind it all, I used my own ability to kill him. We had won, but just barely.”

“You had managed to find the location of the man first, but you didn’t notify us. This person later told us that you actually refused to tell us. Ultimately, you botched Dazai’s plan, and almost destroyed an entire city, because you didn’t follow his instructions. Of course, Dazai was disappointed, even if he didn’t say anything. He essentially dismissed you, and planned to go back, and remove you from the Port Mafia. But, I didn’t want that.”

“So after a very long fight with Dazai, I managed to make a compromise with him. You would not be killed for betraying the Port Mafia, however, you wouldn’t be allowed to go back. But if I told you this, you would have rather accepted death, since the Port Mafia is the only thing you have ever known. You couldn’t go into the real world since you have no identity there.”

“So later that night, while you had looked like you were at least, partially asleep. I had no choice… but to give you severe head trauma, which would make you lose all your memories.”

There’s an unspoken silence between the two of you. You had always been told that your head was fragile. When you tried to think about your childhood or teenage years, your head would fill with static and it would hurt. Never had you ever expected it to be… this…

“You must be shocked. You probably think I’m not being serious, or that I’m joking. Well, I’m not done yet.”

“You were in a coma for years after that. For about two or three years, if I remember correctly. I had to make sure that you wouldn’t remember anything, so I bashed your head, pretty hard against the concrete. I brought you to the hospital after that, and told them that you had been injured badly, because you had attempted suicide. A balatant lie, but I couldn’t tell the doctors any more than that, otherwise I would have been detained.”

“For several years, you stayed in the hospital, completely unconscious. I’d visit you everyday, and see if you would wake up. At one point I had considered just giving up. But eventually, you did wake up. But, you didn’t have an identity in the real world, let alone education, or anything that would let you survive. When you were discharged, I paid a company to forge you a fake identity, which is what you live by now.”

“I’ve watched over you for so long, (Y/N). You once asked me what you needed to be protected from. I didn’t answer that question because I didn’t think it was the right time to let you know the truth. Alas, you’ve come searching for the truth yourself. The Port Mafia was after you for a long time. I had to constantly monitor you, you were constantly on my mind every day. And even when you were discharged from the hospital, I still had to watch over you while you slept. They wanted to kill you. I didn’t want you dead, in fact how could I?” Chuuya laughs in bitterness. “I loved you for a long time. I did all of this to make sure I’d be able to see you happy, for once. And you were. You moved into society rather nicely. You were simply not meant to be part of the Mafia, despite the potential in your ability.”

“You have the gun I left on my desk, didn’t you? You knew you had to take it because you might have been in danger.”

“Chuuya… stop.” You’re still in shock, but you know you’ll never properly remember any of your memories now. You can only trust him. Whatever he says, you have to believe. He’s not lying. He never was lying.

“That was Dazai’s gun. The gun he left before he killed himself.”

“No… please. Stop. Chuuya. Don’t do this please…”

He chuckles. “I have no merit in my future, I am simply left to rot and die here. You wouldn’t understand, (Y/N). I spent so much time in my life for you, that it would have been simpler to just kill you. But I can’t do that.”

“But in a life where you don’t return any of that to me isn’t worth living either…”

“CHUUYA,” you scream. “Stop this. Don’t…”

“So shoot me please. I know you’re dying to do it. You brought the gun with you, you wanted to kill me. I know you do. Why? You’ve reached into your pockets serveral times while I was telling your past. My life is hopeless, completely doomed. I’ve lost everything I once had, except for you. And I can’t even see you now.”

“So kill me. Put me out of my own misery.”

He smiles, in a twisted sort of way, expecting you to shoot.

“You won’t regret it.”

And it’s true. You were planning on killing him, but you don’t want to now. But if what he said was true, you were also ruthless as he was. You had to make a choice, quickly.

Your hands move faster than your mind, and you can’t stop yourself.

You shoot once. Once at his chest.

You can’t bear to see what you did.

But you also can’t see control what you were going to do next. You hear another gunshot being fired, and you weren’t if it was from yourself, or maybe someone else in the floor.

Your vision stops and you feel yourself falling to the ground.

[nighthunter241]

He is Mine-Chapter 1 (Henry Cavill x male reader)

Masterlist

NOT MY GIF, GIF USED FROM TUMBLR OPTION 18+ DNI if  you are lower the age of 18

Rival #1 Amy Adams

Monday

You wake up to the alarm and start getting ready for school. The weekend left you with an aneurysm having to decide how you're going to break up the friendship of Henry and Amy. Maybe you can just see what they do and hopefully something comes to mind. While heading downstairs you see your brothers just starting to eat breakfast. A part of you wants to tell them about your chat with Robert and your feelings for Henry but would that even help. “Morning” you said to your brothers, they say morning back while eating their breakfast and while eating you notice your parents aren’t up yet. “Hey and what about Mom and Dad, why aren’t they awake yet?” you asked and brother Sebastian responded “Not sure, I think I heard them last night talking about taking the day off for something important, something about someone named Saldana, or maybe they just wanted to sleep in”. You shrug it off and leave home with your brothers. You manage to make it to the corner that you usually meet up with Henry, you stay back and your brothers continue the walk to school. After a long time Henry finally shows up later than usual. “Hey what happened, you overslept or something” you asked. “I forgot to set my alarm so I quickly showered and ran,” Henry responded. We start speed walking to school and Henry starts talking about how Amy is going to give him shit again for making her wait at the entrance of school. “Why don’t you just tell her to fuck off” by the time you realized what Iyou just said you couldn’t take it back. Henry looked at you funny and said “I think I’ll say that in a sweeter way, you alright you’re acting kinda weird”. You tell him you are fine and you just woke up on the wrong side of  the bed and he shrugs it off. By the time you two make it to school Henry tells you he will meet up in the homeroom and runs off to meet up with Amy.

While Henry is out of sight you follow him to the spot where he meets up with Amy to hear their conversation and hopefully find something out. M/R manage to find a bush at a safe distance where they can’t see him and where he can still hear them. Amy: Ugh really again, you can’t keep me waiting like this, does this look like we are middle school.

Henry: I’m sorry Amy I forgot to set my alarm.

Amy: Well if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t even wake up, I can’t be your clock 24/7 it gets annoying especially when waiting for you.

Henry: I’m sorry, if it bothers you that much then we can just stop meeting up here before class so then you don’t have to worry about being late.

Amy: That's not what I meant…..forget alright just forget it. Since we only got a couple of minutes I need you to meet me at the fountain during lunch period.

Henry: Ummmm, Why exactly?

Amy: Just meet me there alright, don’t keep waiting like you did today, got it!

Henry: Ok, Ok, relax I’ll meet you at the fountain during lunch period.

Amy: Good.

They finish talking and they start heading to the inside of the building, Henry goes one direction while Amy goes to the homeroom. You follow her and end up seeing her set down a container, and hear her mutter “I did my best, he is going to like it, just give it to him and that's it and he will enjoy it”. She walks away and when you get closer to the container and notice it was a lunch box, she actually made Henry lunch. She is taking “ a way to a man's heart is through his stomach” a little too seriously. THAT'S IT, you thought to yourself all you need to do is get rid of this lunch, wait no you should make her food taste bad so Henry could think she is a terrible cook. So you quickly leave and try to think of a way to make her food taste nasty. You pass by the nurses office and notice the medicine cabinet and quickly think of a plan.

You see your brother and run to Anthony and pull him aside from his friends and to ask him something.

Anthony: Alright, what do you want?

M/N: I need you to distract the nurse.

Anthony: Um, no, why would I do that?

M/N: I need to grab something from her cabinet while she isn’t looking.

Anthony: Why don’t you just ask her for it?

M/N: What I need to grab is something she would usually give out for emergencies.

Anthony: That just makes this weirder, what do you need from her cabinet that she won’t be able to give to you if you ask?

M/N: None of your business just help me.

Anthony: Tell me what it is and why and I’ll help.

M/N: Um…..no way

Anthony: Well, no help from me.

M/N: Quit being such a jackass and help your brother out.

Anthony: Fine, but you owe me one day you are going to tell me why you needed me to do this.

Anthony goes to the nurse pretending he has a headache and asks for something for it. You see the nurse walk up to the cabinet, unlock it and pass him the medicine with a glass of water. While she was doing that you got to the cabinet and took a bottle while she wasn’t looking. You leave and go back to her homeroom, while on your way I run into a student council member who gives a questioning look and stares while you are slowly walking away from them. “The student council members are a bunch of weirdos,” you whisper to myself. Now at Amy's homeroom and to her desk and open up the lunch box. It looks like she made some homemade soup with chunks of meat in it. Henry did always love meat, and can't live without it. You take out the bottle from the pocket that says Emetic on the label and you pour it into the lunch box. “If I am correct, Emetic medicine should make someone throw up and give out a strong taste, hopefully this will be enough”. You turn around to leave and see your brother Sebastian standing there looking at you, crap you ended up forgetting this was his homeroom also.

Sebastian: What the hell are you doing?

M/R: Nothing just looking around, stretching my legs.

Sebastian: So are you going to act like you just didn’t pour something into that lunch box

M/R: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Before you could react Sebastian quickly yanks the bottle of Emetic medicine from your hand.

Sebastian: How the hell did you get this and why did you pour this into Amy’s food?

 M/R: None of your business just shut up.

The bell rings and people start heading to their homeroom.

Sebastian: When we get home we are talking about this and I’m letting mom and dad know

M/R: You’re so mature aren’t you, snitch.

He punches your arm while you walk out of his homeroom and make it to your own homeroom and sit next to Henry who seems quieter than usual. Hours pass of usual classes and the lunch bell rings. You run to the fountain area and pretend to eat your lunch there and see Henry waiting for Amy until she shows up with the same lunch box in hand.

Henry: Alright, I am here. What is the reason you needed to meet me here?

Amy: Well here it's because of this.

Henry: A box?

Amy: It's a lunch box STUPID!

Henry: Wait, you made me lunch?

Amy: NO!!, just made some food for my sister and she forgot it and I didn’t want to waste it so I thought I should bring it to you.

Henry: Wow thank you, I’ll gladly eat it.

Amy: Yeah whatever, enjoy.

You cross your fingers while seeing Henry start tasting the soup. After a couple of spoonfuls his face of gratitude turned to a face of disgust.

Henry: Amy, what did you put in this?

Amy: I don’t know, I made it last night so I don’t remember the ingredients.

Henry: It tastes weird, I’m sorry I…..can’t finish this.

Amy: HENRY WAIT!

Henry runs off to the bathroom and Amy is left with a sad expression, You follow him to the bathroom and end up hearing him throwing up. After he finishes he sees you and gets startled.

Henry: M/R you scared me, what are you doing here?

M/R:I saw you run into the bathroom in a hurry, I got worried.

Henry: I’m fine just Amy gave me some food and it didn’t sit right 

He goes towards the sink to wash his hands and mouth

M/R: Is she usually a bad cook?

Henry: She doesn’t cook much but the times she had it didn’t taste good but not bad to the point where I’m throwing up.

M/R: Maybe she did it on purpose.

Henry: Why would you think that M/R

M/R: Well you would say she always gives you shit for being late to meet up, maybe as a way to get back at you she made you sick.

Henry: That's a stretch mate

M/R: Maybe, but you never know, her thinking since you are best friends she thinks she could do it and knows you will easily forgive her.

Henry: I don’t easily forgive her.

M/R: Henry, you tell me she yells at you and sometimes insults you for small things, and you still talk to her

Henry: That's because we are best friends.

M/R: Are best friends really like that, I’m not like that with you and we are close.

Henry stares at me as if he is about to say something but seems to hold it in.

Henry: Can we just drop it, I need to possibly lay down at the nurses office.

M/R: Yeah, not a problem see you later.

Henry and M/R leave the bathroom and later meet each other in their last class of the day, Henry not bringing up what happened during lunch or what was discussed in the bathroom. You grab your bag and head towards the gate of the school and walk home. When you make it home your brothers are there earlier before you for some reason. You say hello to them and they pass you a note they found on the table.

Dear kids,

Your father and I had to leave town for a bit for a quick emergency, don’t worry it is nothing serious and hopefully we will see each other soon. Now we added money to all of your bank accounts and hopefully it is enough to last until we come back. If you need more just call us and we will send more, but we will be looking at the bank statements to make sure you aren’t spending it for the wrong things. Now you know the rules when you are home alone and most importantly DON’T GO INTO THE BASEMENT, REMEMBER THAT. Love you and hopefully see you soon.Love,Mom and Dad

“What the hell” you said after reading the note, my brothers looked at you with the same expression. “All I see is home alone to do whatever I want without mom and dad here” Anthony said. “Definitely going to invite Sarah over,” said Sebastion. “Yeah no, you know the rules, you really want to wait and find out if mom knows you broke the rules” you reminded them. They looked at each other and understood, moms wrath can be the scariest thing in the world. After ordering pizza and getting ready for bed, you get a text from Henry.

Henry: Hey sorry about the way I was acting today didn’t mean to make you feel weird.

M/R: Hey it’s fine no need to apologize to me Henry.

Henry: Just wanted to do it anyway you know I don’t like when things are weird between us. Besides Amy you're the only person I can truly talk to and be comfortable with.

M/R: I feel the same way Henry.

You see the three dots pop up on the message but after awhile it disappears and then appears again

Henry: Well see you tomorrow have a good night.

M/R: Good night

You are about to turn off your phone until you receive another message but this time from Amy, “Did Sebastian tell her what I did?” you asked yourself.

Amy: Hey M/R I need to ask you about something.

M/R: Yeah what's up.

Amy: How was Henry today?

M/R: He seemed alright, a bit spaced out but that's it.

Amy: Oh god, I messed up today, I made him lunch and I guess the ingredients I used went bad cause he ended up throwing it up.

M/R: Wow thats crazy, food does spoil and random times

Amy: We talked on the phone and he accepted my apology but said that I shouldn’t cook for him for a while.

M/R:  I mean you probably gave him PTSD 😂

Amy: Not funny

M/R: Sorry just trying the lighten the mood

Amy: Well thanks for letting me know how he was, but I think I found a way to make things up

M/R: ???

Amy: I bought him a present and I am going to give it him in the morning and have him open it during lunch time tomorrow, hope he loves it

M/R: That sounds great I’m sure he will

Amy: Thanks M/R for the confidence, well good night and see you in AP CALC tomorrow

M/R: Night

You send the last text and turn off the phone, before you could get to bed your nosey brothers walk in without knocking. 

Sebastian: So we are going to talk about today

Anthony: Sebastian told what you did with the Emetic medicine, I can’t believe I helped you steal that just to poison some food

M/R: I didn’t poison anyone, just gave someone a little stomach ache.

Sebastian: What is going on with you cause a week ago you were acting mad weird.

M/R: Nothing is going on.

Sebastian: Liar

Anthony: M/R talk to us come on you know you can count on us

M/R: UGH FINE, but you can’t judge me, I did it to mess with Amy and Henry

Sebastian: Why, aren’t you friends with Henry?

Anthony: Let him finish.

M/R: Amy likes Henry and I like Henry and she is planning to confess to him this friday and I have to stop it but I’m still to much of a wuss to confess my own feelings first, so I’m…….sabotaging their…..friendship to make sure he says no to her confession.

Sebastian: ????

Anthony: ????

M/R: *You look nervous while staring at them*

Sebastian: That's it?

M/R: What do you mean that's it.

Anthony: So you have a crush on Henry and you are just stopping someone from becoming their possible girlfriend. 

M/R: Um….yes, I know it sounds crazy

Anthony: That's not crazy.

M/R: Wait what?

Sebastian:  Yeah bro, we have done that already, how do you think I got Sarah, I didn’t get lucky.

Anthony: And my past relationships you think they were just magically single.

M/R: Wait, you guys have done stuff to get your crushes.

Sebastian: Yeah mom taught us, don’t you remember.

M/R: I mean I barely remember what she taught us.

Anthony: Relax it's nothing really important but don’t worry you're not crazy for doing this.

M/R: I still can’t believe you guys have done this before.

Sebastian: Relax, if you need any more suggestions just ask us, we would love to help.

Anthony: Yeah, you and Henry seem cute together anyway

You blush at your brother's comment and they end up leaving your room, you finally get to lay down alone with your thoughts. What are mom and dad doing, what can you do to sabotage that gift, you can just steal it or you can just replace it with something more offensive to get Henry disgusted at her. That sounds better just need to figure out what, you fall asleep thinking of a possible gift replacement that would shock Henry

Tuesday

The sound of the annoying alarm wakes you up and you get ready for the shower. Of course both showers are being hogged by your brothers. After an eternity you manage to shower and get ready for school, you go downstairs expecting your parents but remember the letter from yesterday. You sit down and also remember the chat with your brothers and decide to ask them for help.

M/N: Hey I need help with something.

Anthony: Yeah, what is it?

M/N: Amy is going to give Henry a gift as way to make amends from yesterday's incident

Sebastian: That you caused.

M/N: Shut up, any way I my idea was to replace the gift with something offensive that would disgust Henry, got any ideas

Sebastian: Why not just steal it?

M/N: Stealing it would just not do anything, no feelings are hurt just a lost gift and he would just move on

Anthony: Got any ideas on what you want to replace it with.

Sebastian:  Of course he doesn’t, that is why he is asking.

Anthony: Is Henry sexually active?

Sebastian: Dude really?

M/N: That I know of, no he isn’t, not the type to hit and go.

Anthony: Well there's your solution.

Anthony leaves and goes upstairs to his room and comes back down stairs and passes you an item.

M/N: A CONDOM!!!

Anthony: Yeah, as the gift.

M/N: Why would I do that?

Anthony: Well it will make him uncomfortable with what he receives and feel awkward about it with Amy.

Sebastian: What if he likes it and takes it as a suggestion from Amy?

M/N: Doubt that, if your best friend gave a condom as a gift you would be confused or uncomfortable.

Anthony: Well, that's the end of it just swap the gift with the condom and see Henry's reaction

Sebastian: Weird way to sabotage something but whatever not my crush.

You hide the condom in your wallet and leave the house with your brothers, while walking you receive a text from Henry saying he won’t be able to meet up before homeroom so you keep walking with your brothers. When you make it to school you say goodbye to your brothers and run off the same bush that you hid in yesterday. Of course you see Henry waiting for Amy and when she shows up they start chatting.

Henry: Well I’m here early

Amy: About tim….I mean thank you.

Henry: You said you wanted to discuss something

Amy: Well actually I wanted to give you this.

She takes out her bag a box with a blue ribbon on it.

Henry: A gift for me?

Amy: Yes, I want you to open it during lunch time and you can tell me how much you like it and at the end of the day.

Henry: Alright, thank you so much Amy.

Amy: Your….welcome hopefully you like it

You could swear that you see Amy blushing which starts making your blood boil for a moment but you quickly calm down. After they leave you head to your homeroom and thankfully Henry sets the present down on his desk and leaves to go do something. You notice the classroom is empty so you take advantage of the moment and head towards the present and you open it. The present reveals a video game specifically World of Warcraft, she got Henry the game he was saving up for. A present like this would definitely cause him to fully forgive Amy, you take out the game and stuff it into your bag and you take out the condom from your wallet and put it in the present and manage to make it look like it hasn’t been touched. After swapping, M/N leaves the class and pretends to be walking around school and acting casual. You see your brothers who end up asking if you did the deed and you tell them you did and they just smirk but before they can say anything else the bell rings. You run to your homeroom and sit next to Henry who seems to be staring at the present in excitement. Class begins and before you know it the lunch bell goes off and you go to find Henry. You see him with his lunch and the present in hand, you walk up to him to start a conversation.

M/N: Hey Henry, what did you bring for lunch?

Henry: A classic burger, my mother made it for me so I'm going to enjoy it, and what about you?

M/N: Just a sandwich, can’t really bring takeout to school.

Henry: Why would you bring takeout to school, doesn’t your mum usually make lunch for you and your brothers.

M/N: Well, yeah it's just that my parents are currently….on a trip or something.

Henry: What do you mean?

M/N: We got this note saying they needed to leave for some emergency but to not worry about it, and since I am the only one that can cook I need to provide food for my siblings but don’t really want to cook for them so we are just planning to order takeout till our parents return.

Henry: They are missing out, your cooking is amazing.

M/N: Thanks Henry, by the way what's up with the gift, been meaning to ask you that during homeroom?

Henry: Oh, Amy gave it to me as a gift for getting me sick yesterday.

M/N: Really, I wonder what she got you?

Henry: I don’t know, hey open it for me while I eat.

M/N: Um, sure I’ll open it for you.

You open up the gift and pretend to be confused and shocked

Henry:  What is it?

M/N: Well, it’s very……well…….

Henry: Just give it.

Henry sets his burger down and grabs the gift and looks inside, and his face changes from anticipation to confusion and disgust.

M/N: Henry?

Henry: I…..what……what the hell is this?

M/N: Looks like a condom.

Henry: I KNOW what it is, but why the hell is this as a gift.

M/N: Maybe as a joke.

Henry: Well I’m not laughing, I can’t believe she would get me excited about a gift and do this.

M/N: What are you going to do?

Henry: I’m just going to let her know that I didn’t like the gift and leave it at that.

You guys finish your lunch in an awkward silence and end up leaving each other to go to your last few classes. But before you enter your classroom you see Henry having a chat with Amy and clearly you have to go listen.

Amy: So, how was the gift?

Henry: Amy, don't ever bother giving me a gift like that ever again.

Amy: Wait, you didn't like it?

Henry: No, of course not, just leave the gift giving for christmas and birthdays.

With that Henry leaves Amy and heads to his classroom leaving Amy with a confused expression. You decide to enter your classroom and a couple minutes later you see Amy walk in clearly sad as you see her sit down. The weird part is you sadly feel bad but the moment you remember about her crush on Henry those feelings go away instantly, then you think of a way to make yourself the hero of the day.  After class you notice Henry is going to walk home alone, so you go up to and ask him if you guys could walk together and he quickly says yes. After reaching the corner that causes you two to walk in the opposite direction you two stand for a bit and chat and decide now is the perfect opportunity.

M/N: Henry how are you feeling after you know?

Henry: A bit ok but really just a bit bother that Amy would give me that as a present.

M/N: Well, I was actually going to wait till graduation but since these two days have been unlucky I might as well give it to you now.

Henry: Give me what exactly?

You take out your bag the World of Warcraft game that you took out of Amy's present and pass it to him.

M/N: For you, early graduation present, from me.

Henry: M/N…..I….thank you this is amazing I've been saving up for a bit for this game. This means a lot to me M/N thank you again.

M/N: No need to thank me.

Henry: Wait, if it was going to be a graduation present why did you already have it in your bag.

M/N: Well….. I was going to wrap it in the sewing club but they didn’t really have wrapping paper so I was planning to just buy wrapping paper but now I don’t need to.

Henry: Ah, alright that makes sense but thank you so much this means a lot from you.

Henry hugs you tight and you hug him back and notice that your hug lasts a little longer than usual but he eventually lets go. You say our goodbyes and you see Henry walking with a smile on his face, the same smile that attracted you to him. You walk the rest home and see your brothers at the front waiting and straight to point start throwing questions at you.

Anthony: So lover boy did it work?

M/N: Yes it did work, thank you for the help.

Anthony: Well you are welcome

Sebastian: So are you still going to sabotage them or you think Henry is going to still say yes to the confession?

M/N: Not really sure, better be safe than sorry so might as well still keep an eye out

Anthony: Let's order some burgers as a celebration for a good job on sabotage I guess

Sebastian: Lets get like five each with large fries each.

After having a fulfilling dinner you and your brothers spend the rest of the night playing video games and getting homework done. By time you are ready to go to bed you receive a text message, expecting it to be Henry you see it is from Robert.

Robert: Looks like someone has been busy these last two days, funny how a friendship can start crumbling so easily.

M/N: Is it really that interesting?

Robert: Yes it is, seeing the events unfold is quite entertaining to say the least.

M/N: Do you have things for girls about to get their heart broken or something.

Robert: Not really, think of me as your cupid.

M/N: Yeah hell no.

Robert: Fine, just here to help remember that. 

M/N:  Thanks but for now I think I’m good.

Robert: Alright whatever you say just remember let me know when you need help cause I can be a good ally.

Wednesday

After waking up and eating breakfast you meet up with Henry usually and walk to school then leaves to meet up with Amy to chat. You still don’t know how he is able to still talk to her but you called it, they are still friends. This time it looks like Amy was waiting for a while and she seems excited.

Amy: Finally you’re here

Henry: Yeah I’m here you texted me saying you wanted to meet.

Amy: I have reservations at a restaurant after school, so you're coming along with me.

Henry: Wait, like a date or something??

Amy: WHAT NO, I was going to go with some of my classmates but they canceled so I don’t want the reservation to go to waste.

Henry: Well sure, I would love to go.

Amy: Alright meet me after school and don’t be late.

You see them walk away and you start there is no way you can sabotage that date without getting caught in the restaurant. Nothing comes to mind, maybe you can try to get the reservation canceled, no it wouldn’t work cause most likely sent her an alert that it got canceled. Maybe just hang around Amy today and hopefully you can think of something. After finding Amy sitting in her homeroom alone you decide to walk in and say hello.

M/N: Hey Amy

Amy: Hey M/N how are you doing?

M/N: Great, excited for that AP CALC test today.

Amy: Yeah I…am

As she says this she lets out a big yawn which startles you at first.

M/N: Everything alright?

Amy: Yeah just that I didn’t get much sleep last night since I was studying and I have a date later at this restaurant and now that I am thinking about it could be a bad idea I might fall asleep.

M/N: You have a date, with who?

Amy: Can’t say keeping a secret for now M/N don’t worry one day you will find out.

M/N: Alright why don’t just cancel and let this date know that you are tired.

Amy: Took a while to get this reservation and I really wanted this date for a while.

M/N: Wow, he must be a great guy.

Amy: Yeah, he is.

M/N: Well I don’t know, go take a nap or something or drink coffee.

Amy: Wait, that is a good idea

M/N: What the coffee?

Amy: No, the nap I’ll take a 30 minute nap at the rooftop before I meet with Hen….my date.

M/N: I….yeah go with that I’m sure that will help you stay awake.

Amy: I don’t know why M/N but lately you have been really helpful with giving me solutions.

M/N: Well miracle worker here I guess

Amy giggles a bit and you say your goodbyes, she is going to take a nap after school at the rooftop alone, with no one around. You start having solutions but dark ones and you instantly ignore them and try to think of another solution. Hours pass with you struggling trying to figure out how to stop Amy and Henry from meeting after school. Until the time comes for Amy to take her nap you quickly find a place behind the wall and see her get to bench on the roof. She takes out her phone and starts talking to herself. “I’ll just set an alarm for 30 minutes and that should do it”, she lays down and you can tell she fell asleep due to her snoring. You see her phone without thinking, you tiptoe to her and grab her phone. You try to turn off the alarm but she has a pin, but you manage to fully turn off the phone and you place it back next to her. You tiptoe away and head to your locker. After 50 minutes Henry is still standing outside waiting for Amy until you hear him start muttering. “Where the hell is she, and I’m the late one screw this restaurant I’m going home”. 

You see him start walking away and you call this a success but you wait for a couple more minutes then you start walking towards home. When you get home your brothers are setting their shoes and going upstairs you are about to do the same until you get a phone call, you check and it's from your mom.

M/N: Mom?

Mom: Hey M/N just calling in to check in on you guys

M/N: We are fine, just that Anthony for some reason is running out of money already and is about to start using my card.

Mom: I’m sure that is because you've been ordering take out and other junk.

M/N: Maybe??

Mom: I’ll send more money from our cards but that is it,if you guys need money you need to get yourself a part-time job

M/N: Why a job, and why include me. I'm busy.

Mom: Really, busy doing what exactly.

M/N: I mean AP CALC can be a pain

Mom: Mhm yeah right, you've been getting straight A’s since middle school so I don’t buy it. The recommendation isn’t a punishment, it can do you guys some good especially for you, it can keep you from doing something ... .extreme.

M/N: What do you….fine I’ll think about it.

Mom: Good

M/N: Anyway Mom why did you and dad leave us here, what's going on

Mom: I’m sorry, just that something came up, something in our way and your father and I need to take care of it.

M/N: Is it that Saldana person, my brother said he heard you guys talking about someone with that name.

Mom: DON’T get involved M/N, it is a story too complicated

M/N: Someday you have to tell us about it.

Mom: One day I will, and don’t worry it isn’t boring like your fathers stories.

Thursday

The alarm sounds from your clock and you realize again that today is Thursday, if everything keeps going your way, hopefully tomorrow Henry will reject Amy's confession. You shower, dry yourself off and put your school uniform on. While going downstairs your brother Anthony throws you his phone, you grab it and take a look at it. It was a post made by Amy and it was a photo of her at home and she had a bowl of ice cream with her, and based on her face it looks like she has been crying. While looking at this phone your brothers start smirking, “Alright thanks for the update but I’m sure she probably called Henry and he probably forgave her like always”. You grab your things and leave without letting your brothers say anything else. At the corner where you meet you wait for him but he doesn’t show up, a second later your phone dings and you check it and it is a text from Henry saying he won’t meet up today saying he is currently not feeling well. You had a gut feeling that you should run to school so once you got to your usual hiding spot you barely made it on time to listen to Henry and Amy discussion and based on Henry's face he did not want to be there.

Amy: Hey Henry, you wanted to meet up earlier than usual why?

Henry: Do you still have the book I lent you a couple of days ago?

Amy: Yeah I do, I’m almost done with can you let me have it for the rest of the day,I was planning to read the rest at the fountain after that I’ll give it to you at the end of the day.

Henry: Fine, just make sure to not damage it, it was a gift from M/N.

Amy: Alright don’t worry.

Henry leaves without saying another word and Amy follows until they separate for their classes. You didn’t even need to think twice, you instantly knew what you had to do, steal that book or destroy it. You head to class and decide to talk to Henry and possibly see if your sabotage is actually working. Henry sees you walk in and waves and starts talking to you.

Henry: M/N sorry about this morning, I needed to meet with Amy cause I asked her to give something she borrowed back to me.

M/N: Did she give it back?

Henry: No, she said she will give it to me after school, just hope she keeps her word.

M/N: Everything alright?

Henry: Just lately Amy has just not been good lately, I don’t know but seems like she really is showing her true colors and I am not liking it.

M/N: That is too bad, but hey you have that new game to distract you.

Henry: Yeah, you’re right just hope everything returns back to normal.

When the lunch bell rings you go to the school fountain and sit down on a random bench until finally you see Amy show up with the book. You see her reading it and what feels like forever you see another student go up to her and ask her for something. She gets up and stupidly leaves the book on the fountain. You slowly walk to the fountain and double check to see if anyone can see you, after you check that no one will see, you drop the book into the fountain then leave. After another minute you see Amy come back and when she notices the book fell in the fountain she freaked out and started panicking and she quickly ran. You don’t bother following her and just eat your lunch and not care. The day goes by quickly and when after school comes around you are pretending to be packing and from a earshot you hear Henry and Amy.

Henry: Do you have the book with you?

Amy: Henry, I’m sorry the book fell in the fountain somehow and I couldn’t fix it.

Henry yanks the book away from Amy's hand

Henry: But, how did this happen!?

Amy: I don’t know, I set it down left for a bit and it must of fell in when I got up.

Henry: HOW COULD YOU!, M/N gave this to me. It was special to me.

Amy: Henry I’m sorry

Henry: Amy just, I’ll see you tomorrow bye.

Amy: Henry, wait.

Henry walks not even bothering to listen anymore he seemed more sad than mad, you walk home feeling accomplished and proud and when you settle at home you end up going to bed feeling nothing but joy.

Friday

Today is the day, if your hard work paid off Henry will say no to Amy's confession hopefully. After getting dressed you walk downstairs and see a well cooked  breakfast served on the dinner table.

Anthony: Morning M/N, as a way to celebrate you succeeding in breaking up that friendship, enjoy having a full breakfast meal.

M/N: First, I’m not even sure if it's going to work and….

Anthony: Don’t even think like that, it is clearly working since even we can feel the tension between Henry and Amy and not the good type

Sebastian: You kidding, the tension couldn’t even be cut with a knife, that's how intense it is. Trust me whatever you are doing is working.

M/N: Does that mean should I even bother trying to do something today to mess it up also.

Anthony: I say still do something, just to overall seal the deal for today.

You eat the breakfast your brothers made you and head out to school with them, they leave you at the usual corner and you wait for Henry until he shows up. When Henry finally makes it you both start chatting for a bit.

M/N: Wait Amy damaged what?

Henry: She damaged the book you gave me as a gift, I can’t believe she would be so careless.

M/N: What makes you think she was careless?

Henry: I don’t know, I always had a feeling that she was jealous of our friendship, which I don’t understand because she is my childhood friend not you. You're my good friend but she just…GAHHH.

M/N: She really has been getting on your nerves lately,

Henry: She has been, I’m running out of patience with her. M/N she just…..

M/N: She just what?

Henry: She isn’t like you, I feel like you're more of a childhood friend to me than she is to me.

You stay looking at each other for a moment in silence but that silence is broken when Henry's phone dings, he checks it and receives a message from Amy asking help on a homework assignment.

M/N: So you're going to help her?

Henry: I don’t feel like sitting down and chatting with her so I’m just going to let her copy it.

M/N: Really?

Henry: Yeah, at least I won’t be chatting with her because right now I need a little break from her.

M/N: Alright, do what you think is best.

Henry sends her a message saying that he will leave it on top of her desk and to give it to him later. Henry and you head to your lockers and Henry leaves to go give Amy the assignment. You follow behind and once you see him give Amy the assignment you thought of a plan. Amy before she starts copying heads to what seems like the bathroom and leaves Henry homework in her bag. After she leaves you see the classroom is empty so you walk in and dig in her bag and find Henry's homework. Once you found it you stuffed it in your bag and left the room not bothering to see her reaction. You head to class like usual and wait out the time then hours later around after school Henry walks up to you.

Henry: SHE LOST IT!

M/N: Henry calm down, what's wrong?

Henry: Amy lost my homework assignment I let her borrow, so I got freaking zero on that assignment and my grade dropped a whole letter.

M/N: Henry calm down, breathe in.

Henry: That was the last graded assignment for that class, everything else would be quizzes and exams so now I am going to have to study my butt off to bring my grade up if I want to possibly earn full rides to universities.

M/N: I know Henry, just relax everything will be alright it's Friday so use this weekend to just forget about this horrible day.

Henry: More like a horrible week, but thank you’re right I need to relax and just deal with the reality on Monday.

M/N: Where is Amy?

Henry: Don’t know haven’t seen her since class time I think I may just walk home without her, going to try to use this weekend to just not remember anything bad that happen this week so don’t feel if I ignore your calls

M/N: You can use the weekend to play that game all day and night.

Henry chuckles and asks you to meet him by the gate so you do, from a distance you see Henry at his locker but notice he takes out a note. You run up to him and ask him what the letter is about, apparently it is from Amy asking him to meet him at the rose garden, Henry looks at you and just ends up going. You give Henry some time to give some distance then you decide to follow and go to the rose garden. Once you make it to the rose garden you hide behind another bush and you see Amy come out from behind a tree and step in front of Henry and she starts talking.

Henry: Amy?

Amy: I’m….glad you came.

Henry: What is this about?

Amy: Just needed to have you meet me here, because I feel some sort of confidence.

Henry: Confidence about what?

Amy: Well, the reason why my relationships never worked was because I felt like it was never with the right person.

Henry: What made you think that?

Amy: Every time I was with someone I kept thinking about another person.

Henry: Who?

Amy: Just listen alright, I…..LIKE YOU, I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU AND I BELIEVE YOU AND ME CAN BE SOMETHING SPECIAL.

Henry: Amy honestly, I’m sorry but I don’t think we can be something special.

Amy: What…..is it because of what has been happening this week, it was just one shitty week that's all just….

Henry: Amy don’t, it's not just that it is way more than that.

Amy: I can be nicer, neater, believe me I can……..

Henry: Just stop, it just won’t work, this won’t happen, goodbye.

Amy: Henry please wait.

Amy starts crying while Henry turns his back around and leaves her alone in the rose garden, while you in a distance start feeling joyful and start laughing a bit knowing you had succeeded. You leave school and run home to tell your brother the good news.

Saturday

Henry's POV

Henry goes into a park to clear his mind after yesterday and sits on a bench feeling sad, until someone passes by

??: Oh, hi is everything alright?

Henry: Um, I’m sorry, Gal right?

Gal Gadot: Yeah, we are assigned to that school project

Henry: Oh I remembered

Gal Gadot: Is everything alright, what has got you feeling down.

Henry: I don’t want to trouble you.

Gal Gadot: It is no trouble at all.

Henry: Well, I have a childhood friend named Amy, recently we just have not been getting along and I believed I may have feelings for her but this week our friendship kept getting tested and it was struggling. So, when she confessed her feelings I couldn’t say yes because it felt like her true colors were showing. I feel bad for rejecting her and ruining our friendship but I didn’t want to accept her feelings out of pity and now I don’t know if I did the right thing.

Gal Gadot: Don’t you know what's his name, M/N haven’t you discussed it with me.

Henry: I was going to, but can’t bring myself to throw my problems on top of him. He is someone I can count on but I don't want him to worry about me about something so dumb.

Gal Gadot: I’m sorry to hear that, maybe a walk in the park will help clear your head instead of just sitting and feeling sorry.

Henry: Maybe you’re right, a walk can do some good.

Gal Gadot: I’ll join you.

While Henry and Gal walk around the park they don’t notice someone taking photos of them and following them.

Sunday

M/N POV

You are getting ready for bed and you suddenly get a text message from Robert.

Robert: Well I will say I didn’t expect you to get rid of Amy that way but it works

M/N: Why do you seem disappointed, expecting me to go crazy?

Robert: Mostly surprised but not really sending you a message for just a normal chat

M/N: Why did you text me?

Robert: *Attached images of Henry and Gal walking in the park standing real close*

M/N: WHO IS she?

Robert: Her name is Gal Gadot, she is Henry's partner in a school project, seems to be catching his attention and Henry seems to be catching her attention.

M/N: Why warn me about this again, what is your game?

Robert: No game just like I said good karma.

M/N: Good karma?

Robert: Doesn’t matter, it looks like she is planning to confess on Friday also, so I will think of something fast or you may lose Henry to another girl.

M/N: I can’t lose him when he is mine already.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for getting angry with my mom for trying to help me with my self-esteem?

Okay so I honestly have no idea if I’m the AH or not, bc I’ve come up with mental arguments for both. It’s nothing too serious, just something I’ve been wondering about for a while. The whole situation is just so weird that I’m throwing it to the courts of Tumblr.

To make a long story short, I (2XF) dislike being perceived just like… in general. I’m fine in private contexts but whenever I’m going out in public I’ll typically wear looser clothing, long sleeves, etc. There’s no particular trauma or anything for this, it’s just the way I’ve always been since I can remember.

Recently I told my mom (5X F) about my reasoning (don’t like to be looked at) and after a brief panic where she thought I meant someone was making me uncomfortable she understood that it’s just like. A general thing. I know it’s kind of weird but I thought that was it and moved on.

After that conversation started bringing home clothes for me that were more form-fitting, low cut, sheer, etc. I liked them and wore them around the house and when visiting friends but again, not in public. I didn’t think much of it bc she’d say things like “I bought this for myself but I don’t like how it looks on me, if you like it you can keep it” or “my friend was getting rid of this, do you want it?” but apparently she was actually buying these things. I didn’t think anything of it (before I knew she was buying the clothes) bc we do that sort of thing all the time, one of the things we bond over is secondhand searching and clothing swaps.

But one day she came back with a bikini. On one hand this was very thoughtful of her, bc she knew I was looking for a new swimsuit since mine had gotten all faded. On the other hand, my previous swim suit was a tennis skirt and a tee shirt so. It was a large departure from my norm.

I told her I wasn’t going to wear it. Eventually it escalated to an actual fight, and she ended up admitting that she was encouraged I was wearing the clothes she gave me regularly and was really worried about my self esteem. Specifically she said I “shouldn’t be ashamed of my body” and that wearing a bikini was “the next step”. Our argument went in circles and both if us walked away mad.

This remains unresolved but has since blown over.

On one hand, I think it’s AH behavior to try to force someone to change how they dress just bc you don’t agree with it, and to assign meaning to what they wear - in either direction! Clothes don’t equal consent but also. On the flip side. Just bc someone is layered it doesn’t mean they have some sort of body issues. I’m an adult, I can choose what I’m comfortable with, and if I’m not comfortable with a bikini then that should be that.

On the other hand, the way she tried to “help” was subtle and respectful, and tbh I know the whole “don’t perceive me” thing is weird so I get where she’s coming from and I don’t think I should’ve gotten so upset with her over it. And part of me says I should’ve just gone with it bc what’s the harm? If I felt uncomfortable then lesson learned, if not then maybe I’m “getting better”.

Idk man. I don’t think I should’ve yelled at her, but I also think it’s weird she brought it up in those terms. So *shrug* it’s up to ya’ll now

What are these acronyms?

[thelesbianpoirot]

Do you have any advice for us lesbians who feel hopeless when it comes to our own dating life? I have ever only been with one woman and while I cared about her so much, I'm starting to realise now that I didn't mean much to her. And sex was actually depressing because she never wanted to return the pleasure I gave to her. It all felt, it still feels so hollow. And being a masculine lesbian makes it even worse - I feel like I've always been ugly but the sin of homosexuality AND masculinity makes me even uglier in the eyes of everyone. And I feel like so many women expect that if you're masculine, you will basically maintain this stoic persona 24/7. You'll be somebody who never needs anything, who doesn't need pleasure, love or joy. It's like having to repent for being a woman in a wrong way. I feel like I've only been ever used by other women or they played with me, and then when they realised I am not their perfect Animus, they discarded me. I know that's so much negativity in one anon but I really enjoy lurking on your blog and kinda look up to you as I'm a bit lonely. Like that post where you mentioned skipping class to have sex, that was so iconic. So I was just wondering if anyone else has ever felt like this? If you have some wise words? Or maybe I should just accept and cope with my own ugliness.

Can I tell you I feel seen by your ask? This ask is essentially my life. You are not alone. Do not be fool by the snippets of my life I share on tumblr. Me having a sex life was short lived, and I have been sexual with four women, one of which was a love distance relationships with phone, skype sex and regrettably sending nudes. I made out with a couple more women, but they didn't want to go further and I respected that. I am no don Juan, I just am not afraid to ask women out, I have lived in about four countries and I have spent way too much time on dating apps. Of the women I had actual sex with and made cum, none of them wanted to return the favor, but I enjoyed giving them pleasure, but after multiple sexual encounters with no women wanting to interact with my naked body, and make me cum, it becomes a read.

I had a post much earlier on this blog about how no women I have ever dated has been as passionate about me as I was about her. I believe a couple women I dated only dated me because we live in a small homophobic region and the lesbian dating pool is microscopic and they have few options. This is how they treated me. The women I skipped class to have sex with had an on and off again sexual relationship with me for several years, her family lived in my country but she was Canadian, she would stay for couple months, we'd have sex and she'd leave again, I was something to do while she was there, she mocked my skin color (she was also black) a few times and did many other rude things. But I was so attracted to her, it made me fucking stupid. Many interactions with women have made me feel repulsive, and not worthy of living. I would talk for months with a woman on a dating app, then move to whatapp, calling and texting to schedule a meet up, and she cancels or stands me up, multiple times. I exist to make her laugh or feel good about herself, but she doesn't want to be seen out in public with me. My homosexuality, my masculinity, my skin color, my weight, my shape, my everything has made me feel repulsive to other women. What keeps me going is reading romantic/erotic fiction and hoping it happens to me, forging platonic connections with women who actually care for me, and the understanding that MID to HIDEOUS broke untalented and boring straight men get to have beautiful female partners, I should too. There has to be some sexy weird women out there who are attracted to me physically, and will love me passionately. And me killing myself or something will just be another lesbian woman this world has gotten rid of. I keep living and wanting more for myself purely out of spite sometimes. Every comment that says "terf dyke kill yourself" makes me take better care of myself and prosper. My dating life would probably improve if I lived in a big metropolitan city in a country with 1mil+ people, because I can ask out beyonce if left alone with her for five minutes, my fear of approaching women is GONE, because she can only say no. I have had a girl I asked out in college laugh in my face, in front of her group of friends, I can handle anything. But I don't think I will ever not feel like some disgusting monster. I don't own mirrors, I had a eating disorder, SIS, we are birds of a feather. Only advice I can give is that They want you feeling this way, they want you defeated and hopeless, while straight pig men have loving wives and gfs. Why we can't we! Ugly to whom? I was just watching challengers today with some of my friends, the women spent the whole day lusting over the two male costars, I may be a lesbian, but I think I can spot a handsome man, one who society has told me is a handsome man, one who's personality overcomes his face and body, but those two men were ugly as sin to me, their faces just made me cringe disgust, yet I was in a room with 3 women lusting over them. Lets hope together that even if we're ugly, we're have three eligible women in the world of eight billion who eagerly want to fuck us, attraction is strange.

[rweoutofthewoods]

Actual honesty for once:

oh my god I am so sorry i sobered up I am deleting my weird posts. BUT tonight I realized a lot of my drunken rambles have a lot of truth in them that I've never been able to say sober before.

So some honesty.

Drunk me was right, I don't enjoy being here anymore, in fact every time I log onto tumblr or scroll my dash I'm filled with dread. And I've tried to pull back multiple times but I always come back, and I can finally admit it's been leading me to move on. If you've seen me go through this before you might think "oh my god shut up she's so dramatic" but really my halfhearted attempts to take a break were really just steps forward towards finally making my decision and sticking with it.

I'm setting rules for myself. I am not scrolling tumblr anymore, I am not posting aside from once a week on Friday when I've set my app blocks to let me in so I can link the chap of whatever I updated and answer a few asks, only relating to fics. I need to set my boundaries while also keeping a balance of being able to interact with you guys and express my gratitude, so I'm finding my balance and finally stepping back for good. I had an all or nothing attitude which is why I always had trouble sticking with a decision to step back from the social aspect of the fandom.

So you can still send me things, but know I won't answer them until Fridays and I'm drawing a hard line for myself.

I won't be posting or updating this week, so I will be back on the 10th. Ily all and wish you well and can never thank you enough for the support and love you've sent me even when I've been off the rails and it was probably evident. I'm still on the fence about leaving the marauders fandom entirely, but no matter what I will finish my WIPS I promise, so you won't get rid of my entirely.

MWAH ily all and if you want to talk to me privately I can dm you my discord goodnight and ty for everything.

(I'm so sorry I was still not sober when I wrote this I'm like disgustingly embarrassed so I edited it greatly 😭)

[theeggoman]

I am genuinely scared that once AI starts officially and somehow legally stealing art from artists on Twitter to feed into Elon Musk's AI company that there will be no more spaces for LGBT people to exist online. I'm talking about NSFW art, NSFW writing, discussions about kink and BDSM and leather, advice about transitioning and surgery and STD testing, resources for homeless LGBT youth, comics and animations and stories about queer love. The internet loves to hate gay sex. They demonize us, humiliate us, infantilize our bodily autonomy and choice and the moment you bring up anything relating to your own sexual experiences you're now a target for ridicule and shame. We are not profitable. We are not family friendly. We are "inappropriate" for normal people, and across every single social media platform we are banned. Our discussions about the basic human experience of sex expressed in ANY WAY are eventually banned. Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, Youtube, Tik Tok, Deviant art, the restrictions and requirements and borderline threats from Patreon. As much as we've all hated it, Twitter has been a final stand. It's a place for furry art and gay porn and weird kinky fanfiction and BDSM. There's a community of people who exist together online and nowhere else. And people don't care that we're losing it, yet again, because they want people to like us. They want people to approve of us, to accept us. They want to be palatable for a straight audience, for a heterosexual society that has only barely begun to tolerate us out of necessity and the turn of deemed popular opinion. It's the internet mob mentality that crucified trans youth as "transtrenders" out of fear that they themselves would be targeted next. It's the accusations against drag queens being inappropriate for children. It's the LGB without the T because they fear they will be next. If they could just package us into something respectable, maybe the rest of the world wouldn't hate them so much, right? Get rid of the "bad" gays and suddenly our parents will love us again. Show them they're wrong, we're not pedophiles and rapists and groomers like they've been accusing us of being for centuries, we're NORMAL and GOOD and PURE, we like Heartstopper, not Yaoi! We don't fetishize gay men, we don't sexualize our trauma! We don't even LIKE sex! See, we think sex is immoral and shameful and wrong just like you. Will you love us now?

The truth is they will never love us. They will never want us. They will never accept us. The more we fight for our rights, they more they will try to take them way. The more we fight amongst ourselves, the more they will try to divide us.

I probably sound insane talking about niche queer Fandom spaces like some kind of gay revolution, but the ability to be unapologetically gay and trans and gross and weird and find a community of people you can be with who are all like you, who are working through that trauma together, who you meet online and fly out to visit in real life, who you love: It matters. It matters so much that they keep trying to take it away from us. I don't really know what the future holds here, I'm just rambling my anger onto the only platform that actuslly gives a shit about the artists on it. I just want the young people in the community to understand that this IS a community. And it matters.

[inkblot22]

You Pull It Into Your Lungs

Tell me why I logged in to web today and my theme was no longer what I set it as?? Tumblr, please. I love you but we can't keep doing this. Anyhow, it's here! Part II of The Saltwater Beckons. Hopefully it makes sense, during this chapter I was just trying to set up a very obvious plot conflict for later.

This fic is for: anyone who can handle it! It is going to be more self-indulgent than my others, but I'm going to make a very serious effort to not describe any bits when we get to that point. While I myself am black, there are also no allusions to skin color (ex. "cheeks turned red/pink") in this either, although there could be.

TW for: injury, blood mention, bruises, lots of weird speculation about non-human sentient species, crude flirting (if you squint), some primal stuff but it's not written in a sexy way, Floyd and Jade Leech because they freak me out and I know I'm not the only one. They might be a bit OOC in this, I'm working on it.

The prefect was lucky that Floyd didn’t barge into the shower while they were ridding their body of saltwater and blood. The bite on their shoulder stopped bleeding after a bit of pressure. It was odd that it didn’t stop bleeding faster, like puncture wounds tend to, but it had already begun bruising, darker patches mottling the skin around the bite like some kind of warped galaxy picture. 

They sighed and got dressed, surprised to see Floyd, still wet, waiting boredly for them at the door of the natatorium.

“I thought you left.” They said, a cordiality underlying the bluntness.

His hair dripped on his collar  and he was leaning somewhat awkwardly on the doorframe, looking at them as though they’d told him the moon was made of cheese, “No. Let’s go.”

Floyd was walking a little strangely, stumbling every few steps and losing his balance, sort of like a toddler learning to walk. They watched for a moment, sort of confused.

“Are you… Why are you walking like that?”

“Shrimpy,” Floyd giggled, halting his movements so abruptly that it was unnatural and turning slightly to look at them. It was less of a beginning of a sentence and more of a warning. 

That primal part of their brain screamed. 

“Let’s just get you home and then you can keep trying to think.” He said, turning on his heel and walking. 

Over time, despite the journey from the natatorium to Ramshackle being short, he did improve in his gait, but it wasn’t until they remembered that he’d been in the water that they realized why he was having issues walking now.

They felt silly for not realizing earlier. 

Floyd opened the door to Ramshackle. The prefect never locked it when they went anywhere, since they didn’t have a key for the front door, and who locks a dorm building anyway? They walked up the stairs, took another shower to rid themself of the saltwater feeling, changed into their pajamas, then decided they wanted some tea. When they went downstairs, Floyd was still standing there, playing with various things in the living room.

The only sensible thing they could think of doing was screaming in terror and dashing around the corner. What was he still doing here?! They thought they were alone.

Floyd didn’t pursue, which was something of a surprise. From their spot in the hallway leading to several dust filled rooms, they heard Floyd’s lazy drawl.

“It’s cute how you wanna play, but I’m not in the mood for hide and seek right now. Come over here.” It was less of a request and more of an insistent statement. Not quite a demand. Almost there, though.

The prefect slowly exited their shoddy hiding spot and Floyd’s mismatched eyes were pinning them to the floor almost immediately. He smirked, breaking into a toothy grin as his eyes dragged up and down their form.

“Hmm. I don’t know why I thought you’d have sexier pajamas.” He said before turning back to the knick-knacks over the hearth. He plucked one of them up and looked at it curiously, “What’s this supposed to be?”

He threw it at them with his underhand. They narrowly dodged and the knick-knack made a heavy thunk as it dented the wood floor.

“You could have hurt me! And… I think it’s a whole avocado, but made of brass?” The prefect said, picking the heavy thing up. Crowley was gonna kill them if he ever noticed that spot on the floor. “And what do you mean, ‘sexier pajamas’?”

Floyd snickered as they got closer to him, sliding the brass avocado back onto the hearth. They looked up at him and he responded by slinging an arm around their shoulders.

“I dunno, Shrimpy,” he slurred, leaning far too close to their face as he hooked a finger in their shirt and yanked on it, “Land people are so uptight about wearin’ lots of clothes. The sexiest thing you could wear to sleep is nothing, like me.”

The prefect absolutely didn’t need to know this information. The revelation set a hot burn in their cheeks as their eyes widened, and Floyd spun them out of his grasp, giggling.

“Heehee… it’s so cute that Shrimpy is shy. Well, see ya.”

“Huh?”

“What, you want me to stay the night?”

“Oh! No.”

“Mmm-hmm. Grim’ll be back in the morning. Night.”

And with that, Floyd strolled out of the doors of Ramshackle. The prefect watched him go, grabbed a nice little midnight snack, then went back upstairs and slept.

Their dreams were fitful. The sting in their shoulder didn’t really ease as they woke up every few hours. The moonlight was blinding as they tried to sleep. Without Grim, it was too quiet. Perhaps it would be worth it to ask the ghosts to make some noise, but a glance at the clock revealed that it was around three, so they’d likely all be busy. It was a shame. Usually by now they’d be awake anyways because he had his claws out and was digging his feet into their back, mumbling in his sleep about how powerful he was. It was annoying, but it was familiar.

And familiar was not something they had often in this world.

~*~

The next day, as the prefect was wandering in the halls, lost as they tried to remember how to get to the mess hall, they bumped into a familiar chest.

“Oof!”

“Why, good afternoon, prefect. Where are your friends?” Jade smiled kindly, but it didn’t reach his eyes. It never did.

“Oh, I stayed back so I could get my ‘special student work.’ Because I’m not magic.” They looked up at Jade, “They’re at lunch.”

“Oh, really?” He used that coddling tone he adopted with Floyd sometimes, “And why aren’t you with them?”

“I got lost.”

Jade laughed, somehow politely. His gloved hand curled into an elegant fist covered his lips as he giggled, eyes closed in mirth. The prefect laughed along for a moment and then began walking past him, and his eyes flashed open. He stared straight ahead for a moment, his brow furrowing ever so slightly before he grabbed the prefect’s arm and dragged them into a nearby empty classroom.

“Uh… Jade?” They mumbled. “What’s gotten into…?”

Jade hastily loosened their tie and ripped their shirt open, somehow without snapping any buttons off before he tapped his nose against the crook of their neck, taking in a deep draw of air.

Although merfolk, beastmen, and fae did not exist in their world, as far as it had been explained to them, things like this should not happen. They should not be getting pulled into an isolated place and… smelled. They very gently eased their hands onto Jade’s shoulders and he tightened his grip on their shoulders, enough to make them wince.

“Jade, what’s going on?”

Jade leaned up to his full height. He wasn’t smiling. His face had fallen into a very tense frown, and it made their blood run cold. He carefully tugged the clothing from their bitten shoulder off, sucked his teeth, then  buttoned their shirt and retied their tie. When he was done, he grabbed them by the upper arm and silently walked them to the mess hall. Once there, he turned to them and regarded them.

His smile twitched back into place and he sighed, “My brother. Heh. Always so hasty.”

“What?”

“Your friends are waiting for you, prefect. Enjoy your lunch.”

They walked in, as he said. Generally, the non-human interactions they had with their fellow students were benign, such as Grim falling asleep if they pet him for too long, or Leona’s voice being growly, but that… that was strange. The prefect took a seat with Ace, Deuce, and Grim, glancing at the doorway. 

Jade was no longer there, but the bite from Floyd somehow stung worse than the moment they got it.

[tervaneula]

Okay i got an emil notification about your NQK update before your tumblr post?! Now that surprised me!

It's like 1 AM and i don't think leo is the only one with Insomnia - ngl i felt that am getting called out 😂 - So we start and i think because it's been a long time friend the previous NQK chapter i really forgot that F!Donnie is now " Donatello " whil F!Mikey js "Michaelangelo" and brain was flipping between "huh? Is that the youngest or the eldest?!"

So we start right off with with F!Dee getting jealous and boy oh boy i believe little ol' Donnie will find this exciting and more of a "parent figure approval" 😂

The talk goes to the bandana and i kid you not i remembered previous fics where some F!Leo/s had either put the other masks as a nice accessory ir put it on his sword and just hung it there as a memory (forgot the fic).

So this makes me think of "How F!Leo would make of the bandanas AFTER he make peace with decades of war?" It really makes me excited thinking about it 🤩

Also it made me think - don't know if i asked before but - does F!Leo still can open his portals and travel? (I know in other fic he can but what about the Canon fic NQK?).

It's kinda sad how Leo's still holding on to the masks but still understandable because well... It's been decades of WAR! That can't be just brushed under the rug with a nice few months in the lair. So until F!Leo finally decided when he can " move on " he deserves to keep the masks with him...

F!Leo hugging ghost!F!Dee was so sad and somewhat... Bittersweet? Because he's glad he can see/talk and almost hug his twin but that's about it, he wants to be greedy and have the two of them, april, his dad back home but that would be too much (And am sure he would be worried about 'Don't push your luck' type of quote or he may lose everything).

But AHHHHHHHHH AM SCREAMING FOR THE ART PIECE YOU MADE! SURE IT'S SAD BUT THE COLORS AND ART STYLE IS REALLY WARMING ME UP AS IF IT'S - again - A BLANKET!! I LOVE THIS FEELING 🩷🩷🩷🩷

Then que F!Mikey entering the chat (lmao ngl thought that was little mikey) and took a pic lol!! I don't know if he can take picture of ghosts but imagine if you can use mystic power or ninpo to see ghosts in the picture?! That would be awesome, F!Dee & F!Raph would mess with so many people.

And then here comes Dracum entering the chat 🐐😂 MF i can imagine him entering the room with sandal in hand ready to beat F!Mikey up especially after hearing "I used it to lift a blanket up" 😂😂😂

But it was so surprising to me when be gave him a "therapist" card, from the color purple i thought it was from either Donnie or 🤢 Big mama 🤢

But god i love a soft carrying dad draxum like my next door neighbour! Always welcomed 🩷

That's all for my review for the chapter! It was such a great treat since it's been a while! Am still gonna keep my eyes - and phone - open for any updates because LORD I LOVE NQK🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

LMAO YEAH that's because I really wanted to publish the chapter that day but was already crashing when I posted it, so couldn't make a Tumblr post until the next day 😂

Hehe we'll see what Leonardo will do with the masks! First of all, wash them, probably :D He has a weird relationship with all of his keepsakes, re: the Raph-like prosthetic arm. He doesn't want to get rid of them but seeing them also still hurts, despite everything :')

Yes NQK Leonardo can use his portals!! He just hasn't had a reason to do that in the main fic (yet 😎)

God. Fug. Dang dude. "Don't push your luck or you may lose everything" legitimately made me tear up. That whole paragraph contributed, actually. "HE WANTS TO BE GREEDY" like ajkhjdsfhj how dare you (/aff) hit me with an emotional bomb like this all of a sudden. He does. He wants all of his family, he doesn't think it's fair that only three of them survived, and this brings us back to the enormous guilt he feels for not being able to save everyone.

Donatello is there with him, not in flesh but literally in spirit, he can be hugged and talked to, but Leonardo wants him to live. It's so freaking heartbreaking. I as the author have the power to bring him his family back, in flesh and blood and bone, but like I said ages ago, that's not what NQK is about. It's about accepting loss and healing and finding happiness, and about family and love. They can't change the past any more than what they've already been graciously given, the only way is forward. ;_;

BUT THANK YOUUU for liking the drawing, it makes me go 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 so bad jdfhj (and to make it worse, I made a different version which I'll post here later)

Ninpo ghosts show up in photos normally!! At least in NQK universe they do 😂 Too bad for Donatello, can't do all the crime if he can be caught in 4K

Soft caring dad Draxum ftw<333

THE THERAPIST CARD. Oh my gosh Draxum does NOT trust Big Mama one bit, rest assured, and Donnie has no such connections. No, the light purple colour is actually referencing... drum roll... THIS GUY

Yes Tev is now a yokai and a part of NQK universe but no, she won't show up in the fic so no worries about me actually bringing in non-canon characters. "Leonardo Goes To Therapy" is not a chapter I want to write, nor sprinkle in the appointments in detail, so it all happens off-screen 😂

Thank you SO SO SO MUCH again for reading and spending your precious time writing this comment!!!! It made me so happy but I'm a little sorry that this reply got so long and rambly XD ANYWAY ILYSM

[sout999]

dear tumblr ,,⋋(•◇•)⋌,,

thank you so much for all the support on my top surgery fundraiser, whether it's donating, reblogging or just staying patient with while i boost the link multiple times. which i am going to keep doing! it's no understatement that this is the single biggest positive thing that's happening in my life, and the time i need your help most. so i'm making my voice heard as much as i possibly can to spread the word, and i appreciate all your help with it. it makes me feel loved as a person and not as a bunch of posts on a dashboard, i've been getting pretty isolated because of mental health stuff so even the small connection we have from your act of goodwill is really meaningful to me

i've been ok, mostly putting in work on my masters degree, although some of the 'work' included having a massive breakdown from months of burnout, and i'm currently in the middle of trying to get an extension and rework a large part of my project. mostly this is due to the subject matter of my work having had a lot of loaded cultural and personal themes, which, when being forced to think about nonstop for two years, while also moving in with the family member who is the source of a large part of all the trauma of it, was just too much. taking a stance to axe the project in its current form was hard and made me feel like a quitter but now i feel relief and realize it was an act of self love as well

so i'm trying to recover from that and see a way forward to a project i would like doing, but it's hard when your circumstances have left you this depressed. i'm also trying to become more mindful of the way i use social media because when i'm anxious i fall very easily into the numbness sink of scrolling social media just to avoid thinking... i've stared a daily list of Ten Things That Happened That Day That Didn't Happen On The Internet, although i never get to ten, and i dont think even pre-internet leon would have gotten to ten, but it's good to aim high and take notice even of the little things. maybe to some people this comes naturally but i have to be very deliberate about it. i think this article sums up how im starting to feel about the internet rn

i've cut most personal spending down as much as possible to save up to my top surgery, so i have to find fun things to do that don't cost money. i'm trying to sew because my partner knows a lot about it and can teach me (i'm currently trying to engineer the perfect underwear, weird hobby but it's actually an amazing dysphoria-buster because most store bought underwear that fits my ass is so feminine, to be able to make a piece of something so intimate be so personal is, omg, an act, of, omg, self love). i've also sold off some things to help save for my top surgery and doctor visits, i'm trying to not get rid of anything i will really miss but it's also an enjoyable feeling to imagine the item disappearing as it becoming a permanent part of my history and of my sexy flat boy body (~o_o)~

if i end up having some free time outside of my masters degree, my current dream project is making pixel assets. i think with all the cases of my art getting stolen and used without permission it would actually be really cool to put something together specifically for public use. i miss kaoani and flower banners and stuff. i dont know if i can ever make something so saccharinely cute and tidy but if anything it's a nice space to visit

did you miss me coming to tumblr to make long winded posts about nothing? hopefully when twitter falls we will all be on here reading each others paragraphs, hopefully i'll have more going on in my life and can write even longer ones. here is a nice drawing, and a link to the fundraiser once again :)

https://gofund.me/958124b6

[jerreeeeeee]

i also read the suffering game graphic novel. here's praises and criticisms. this one is also more negatives than positives unfortunately, i tried to be fair and thoughtful but i did not like it very much

things i liked:

-lucretia prologue establishing that she went to wonderland + talking abt missing the crew. fun & mysterious

-hi mavis and mookie :) they are cute

-HI BARRY sometimes i forget he stalked merle’s family outing. i love that freak

-magnus and angus scene!! fisher showing angus the statue drawing!! ango detective subplot!! this is a nice and natural addition since we know he was sleuthing around the BOB

-merle teasing taako about his date is kinda cute actually love seeing them be friends

-thank god they got rid of the chimera. idk if this is a hot take or anything but its probably my least favorite fight in the podcast its so out of place and unnecessary. there are lots of fights that didnt really matter in the beginning like all the gerblins and the slime swamp in rockport but they were still like getting their bearings and the show was more like a real dnd campaign than a typical actual play, but by the time you get to the suffering game there’s more interesting things to do and you're like god why are we still doing random forest encounters just get to wonderland already

-not a positive per se but i’m not that upset about sterling and his party being cut. i feel like an adaptation would’ve had an opportunity to make that little c-plot matter more, and that would’ve been awesome, but as is in the podcast, i never felt particularly strongly about it? not enough to miss it. idk like magnus and merle were already for ‘trust’ even if it were strangers and taako never seems all that regretful about it (which like. fair. he’s the pragmatist and that’s how the prisoner’s dilemma works. he played the game right because he couldn’t afford to lose, knowing they hurt some slightly-less-strangers doesn’t really change that).

-i dont remember which of the boys discovered it in the podcast but merle noticing the smoke thing is good. he actually is competent and especially in an arc that’s meant to make him feel useless that’s a good little reminder

-i do like that the liches say the bell is very powerful & is threatening to destroy them like both keeping in theme with the rest of the relics and an introduction to the idea that sharing an incredible and dangerous power between two people makes it easier to keep your sanity, similar to lichdom

-griffin getting cut off with the hunger is awesome finally we’re taking advantage of the medium. nothing more to say that choice rules

-posts on tumblr hyped me up for taako recognizing barry’s dick but unfortunately that’s not really what happened and now i’m disappointed. but the graphic novels arent canon so i’ll just have to continue with my barry/taako awkward past one night stand agenda despite it all

-i dont quite know how to feel about the umbrastaff leaping to barry to replace the “love barry, trust barry” moment. on the one hand, having lup actually speak to taako wouldn’t work super well in graphic novel form, not to mention the whole band of projected thought thing was kinda convoluted and they are clearly very limited on time, and taako choosing to trust the umbrastaff in this way is a creative way to get that same effect. on the other hand, its so unclear what even happened or why it changes taako’s mind without podcast context. that’s one of my big gripes, you’re expected to be familiar with the story already, but if you’re familiar with the story, the graphic novels are… worse in every way. also, i really really liked the original scene so even though it doesn’t work, i miss it. this isn’t as effective—we don’t find out there’s a person missing from taako’s memory, his heart doesn't swell at the sound of her voice, he doesn’t know with certainty that she’s someone dear to him. it's just like, another instance of the umbrastaff acting weird. maybe you put together that 'LUP' is a person but you don't have any indication until the moment of remembering how important she is. all of that would be really difficult to get across in a visual medium anyway, but still, yknow, it doesn’t hit as hard.

-ango!! his mage hand is coming along so well!! although. why is his wand just like a stick. did he pick it up off the ground. taako needs to take better care of his boy this reflects badly on him as a teacher lmao

-i felt this way about the eleventh hour too but there’s so many little details of taako and merle’s friendship i feel like they have little asides and jokes together a lot and i love that

-the looming dread of the hunger is done pretty well (as well as it can be with such time restraints)

-merle trying to commune with pan and seeing john instead is good. very ominous and intriguing for new readers and exciting for podcast listeners

-really liked the panel of barry in the red robe against the stars and the bond engine’s white ring as he’s remembering. very cool very cinematic

-i actually also really like the framing as taako remembers, filling in the memories we’d seen previously and clearing out the static while he looks so broken, and merle asking him what he’s remembering, and then finally speaking his sister’s name. its framed very powerfully. i wish he and lup didn’t look awful so i could actually feel something at that part. like they are my favorite characters ever their story makes me so emotional and i just. they’re unrecognizable. the character designs are terrible and taako has spent 6 books now being mischaracterized and flattened to hell so i just can’t muster any emotion. maybe i'll redraw that page someday though because the panelling is genuinely very good

-the ending lucretia monologue is good she's the narrator she's the main character she's everything. love the portraits staticking out and mirroring and changing, and ending on the beach painting is great. very cinematic and a natural way to phase into the stolen century

things i didn’t like:

-i dont think taako’s deepest desire is his own brand of fashion forward athleisure wear if i’m being quite honest. these little things irk me

-why is liches get stitches all the way in the beginning… ill portent for how the rest of this book will go

-i think they shouldve introduced the flaming raging poisoning sword of doom way earlier. the payoff isnt nearly as good without the setup of having been magnus’ white whale for like fifty episodes. maybe they did mention it in earlier books and i just forgot though

-^ i hate his stupid ugly oversexualized stereotyped ass so fucking much its unreal

-why are edward and lydia ugly :( —(they're not ugly because they're chubby they're ugly because their color schemes and outfits are fucking awful) (fr though why are all their colors so muted and dingy?? why are their outfits boring?? at least their heart attack looks are fun)

-oh so there’s just no trust or forsake at all. yeah i don’t like that. in the end no great loss since i don't think it really says anything about thb's characters that hasn't already been said, but so much of thb's characters and arcs have been cut from the gns already

-i get that they’re low on time trying to fit in reunion tour but like come on part of the suffering of the suffering game is how long and painful it is cutting it down really just. makes it not matter as much

-magnus looks no different after aging LMAO he gets like 2 gray hairs and that’s it

-edward and lydia’s lich forms are also boring unfortunately

-no tasha’s hideous laughter on the heart attack mannequin? lame. although i have for the first time realized that dnd shows kinda have a thing for characters uninterested in romance being forced by mysterious powers to be haunted by creepy puppet-like “romance partners” huh

-magnus doesn’t forget kalen?? why cut that out? i guess because there was never closure for it in the original story?

-no boss rush?? that was fun :(

-magnus and taako aren’t surprised merle has kids??? did they know???

-dupree looks terrible but i guess props to carey for giving him feathers even though it looks bad

-just axed the liches’ backstory?? that was kind of important?? the fact that they turned to necromancy out of love for their family & powered themselves with positive emotions too? that like, has relevance later…

-NO BAD LUCK FOR ARMS OUTSTRETCHED? COME ON

-the framing of magnus’ soul being removed is so anticlimactic in general like the POINT of a VISUAL adaptation is to have interesting & cinematic VISUALS its just so messy

-all of arms outstretched didnt look very good in general sorry. its just such a big important moment and to make it so mid… a tragedy

-“i guess we still needed each other after all” doesnt work anymore because they removed all of edward and lydia’s backstory and character but it was an interesting line to me that i wish had been kept. hammering in that liches need anchors is, again, pretty relevant later on, getting rid of that foreshadowing sucks, and it also humanizes these villains in an interesting way that really highlights their powerlust as their downfall rather than just, like, cruelty for evil’s sake. like yes they torture people and find it fun because they’re so distanced from their own humanity but they also truly believed it was necessary for their own safety and seemingly only became sadistic after they desensitized themselves. i wrote a post about this a while ago but idk if i’ll ever post it

-not a fan of barry killing lydia either. idk why, its not like he hasn’t killed other people to protect the boys before. but that’s earlier in the show before we know he’s not just a villain and is in fact meant to introduce him as a villain. now he’s a friend so idk if you can just go back to having him murder people? again its not a wrong choice but it feels like messy storytelling. also like i think seeing a lich grieving her anchor and a sister grieving her brother would pull some heartstrings for him. it would maybe remind him of some people he loves and garner some sympathy and give him some pause. and i liked that in the podcast even though lydia was so distanced from the idea of positive anchors, killing edward just immediately undoes her, fits in with the themes and the way we understand liches to work, another powerful example of what bonds can do, and that's kinda lost here

-magnus’ answer to the bell sucks so badddd lmao when these books NEED context they’re devoid of it but when they actually have the necessary plot points/character arc established for the reader to put something together they have to go and spell it out like the audience is stupid. there was something so raw and powerful about magnus’ original “i’d hate it. shut the fuck up.” like just shutting it down and not even considering it. that’s completely lost when he has to be like “recap time! my wife, julia,” eugh just didnt like that. there are so many powerful lines from balance that i don’t hate on principal that they’ve changed, but there was no good reason to change, and so the new version just falls flat and there was no reason not to include the original lines verbatim? i get not wanting to just deliver a podcast highlight reel and have the gns be their own story or w/e but if you’re gonna do that you have to do it well, and they just keep being worse unfortunately

-they don’t get the chance to go off the grid themselves and choose to trust barry?? come the fuck ON that is IMPORTANT to the STORY

-this may or may not be an unpopular opinion but i’m not a fan of barry’s design either. i don’t like the hair and he’s not fat enough. less egregious than others but its still another instance of being like who tf is that

-barry’s little coin monologue was kinda fun and dramatic and i (finally) liked the visuals of him falling from the sky/silhouette of the starblaster against faerun’s single sun. but i wish they’d kept more of the original. add drama that’s fine but the point of it is to humanize him after we’ve spent so long thinking of him as a villain and a ghost and a force of the story and now it turns out he’s barry bluejeans. he’s just a guy. he loves his mom. he’s allergic to dairy. he’s afraid of the dark.

-especially not a fan of cutting out the “love that defined and redeemed you” and “dull weight in your chest” in barry’s coin monologue. those are important parts of his character. whether you interpret the love and the weight to be for lup or for the whole crew, you need to know that the red robe has lost people, and that everything he does is to try to get them back. he’s the lover and he’s grief personified. his mission is to save the world AND recover his family. thats like. kinda important for his character and role in the story. if you ask me.

-again the “we’ll get em next time” magnus flashback is not BAD but it could’ve looked so much better? carey definitely has strengths as an artist but her fight scenes and character design tends to be very weak so its unfortunate that this is an adaptation of a dnd podcast where those 2 things are like, the most important. idk i feel like i should be articulating what i mean better but i’m not sure how. the fights just are often really cluttered and framed in an odd way that doesn’t look very good or dramatic or dynamic. i don’t want to say carey is a bad artist, i really don’t think she is! but i think she was not the right artist for this project. the magic of a visual medium is, well. the visuals. when they’re mid the whole story suffers.

-taako and merle not just saying magnus is dead is sorta unnecessarily confusing since everyone like assumes he’s dead anyway? idk i don’t understand that choice. kinda fucks with his moment with carey. not a big deal in the end but it does seem unnecessary

-MAGNUS DOESN’T GO SEE FISHER?? the mannequin dies in fantasy costco??? what about johann???

-“you stole half of my fucking heart” i know a lot of people loved this line but it genuinely baffles me. Why Only Half. not only referencing one of the most heartwarming (and heartbreaking) lines in the original show with no context for why its meaningful at all yet—but also minimizing it? why soften that blow? why detract from the raw intensity of that grief? why reduce a very powerful sentiment? an adaptation of balance that doesn’t allow itself to be earnest and wholehearted (ha) about its platonic bonds is not a good adaptation, straight up. maybe its not that deep but it is To Me. maybe it has no real import and i’m just being stupid but like they made that choice to write half instead of just “my heart.” Why, genuinely

-hey what the fuck happened to johann for real though. that was a really important part of the story. hey. hey. what about johann. like are we just ignoring johann. am i insane. how has no one mentioned this. what’s up with johann

-

so all in all, again, rushed pacing, axing of a lot of very important plot points, shoddy visuals.

it did not make me relive the emotional journey of the suffering game and reunion tour. it inspired a vague nostalgia for the first time i experienced reunion tour, reminded me of how much i love the original show, and made me want to listen to the podcast again. especially reunion tour good god i love reunion tour. and it made me desperately wish for a good adaptation. i would do fucking anything for a good adaptation. the longing is making me sick. at least we always have podcast reunion tour.

the graphic novels are just so empty and soulless compared to the original show. i wouldn’t have an issue with changes, except that the changes, at every turn, gut the emotional core of the story that makes it so special, and ruin the strong themes throughout the story. they fundamentally misunderstand what is so good about balance. and also, like, basic storytelling. they’re poorly designed and poorly written, so they don’t even stand on their own as a different story. i'm not expecting an exact replica, but i am expecting good writing, good changes when necessary, and respect for the original beloved story. without those, the soul is gone, the spark of what makes balance so compelling and emotional.

i am dreading the story and song graphic novel. i don’t think it will be any good. the themes and character arcs and plot of the show have been mangled beyond belief so nothing is really meaningful anymore. can we go back to the johann thing for a moment—