#my therapist will be hearing about this nintendo

[maoistired]

Sorry guys… no Tomodachi life got me dying inside…

I will be filing a lawsuit at Nintendo for breaking my heart once again 💔

[datahearts]

and now for something (probably) no one asked for, a list of my headcanons/thoughts for my fic because i felt like writing them down somewhere

(they can also just be viewed as modern day dps headcanons as well!! it’s just a little more specific to fit the story and only focuses on todd and neil as the rest are only really mentioned (so far) in the story)

neil:

majors in film studies but minors in health science because his father made him (”if you want me to pay your tuition you’re taking a medicine-related class”)

shares a dorm with todd, charlie, and knox. he shares a room with todd, and charlie and knox share their own room, but the middle (kitchen/living room area) is connected

always takes photos everywhere he goes. everywhere. takes photos of his friends admiring their surroundings but never tells them about it until he sends it to them and says “thought you looked cute today <3″

his mother bought him a nintendo switch for his birthday as well as money to buy a game for it. he bought mario party and forced everyone to play with him

his phone wallpaper is of him and todd drunkenly playing mario kart together (photo courtesy of knox)

todd gave him a snow globe for his birthday and he keeps it on his desk. there’s a sleeping koala inside

the first thing he did to bond with todd was watch one tree hill. they binged it for a whole week and eventually sang the intro together

he believes jason is the best character in bbc atlantis and denies that he’s a himbo. briefly tried to appreciate the pythagorean theorem after season one because todd was fascinated by pythagoras’s character

listens to NIKI’s album zephyr like it’s a religion. his favorite artist is the national and his go-to song is newsflash! by NIKI

he’s been on medication for depression and adhd but is typically forgetful about getting refills. will go weeks without remembering he’s even on any medication

always enters the dorm dramatically, sometimes quoting from songs he’s currently obsessed with

doesn’t know how to cook anything besides spaghetti

never checks his grades. ever.

he wears glasses!! only because i said so. and because he’s cute with glasses. do i need another reason

consistently uses <3 instead of ❤️

todd:

majors in literature and minors in business (again, because his father wanted him to)

considers the rest of the group to be his family since his real one is terrible

used to be okay with his brother being the center of everyone’s attention but once he met neil he started to hate it. makes an effort to be more confident in himself and immediately gets turned down by his mother telling him he looked like a whale

his phone wallpaper is a photo of him and neil at last year’s halloween party and neil hates it

listens to matt watson’s ouch! like it’s the only thing that exists. he’s made neil concerned multiple times over how often he hears “feel this way” being played

is on medication for anxiety and always intends on seeing a therapist but never does. he’s the reason neil actually gets his medication when he needs to

like neil, he doesn’t know how to cook. but he’s proud to be able to make chicken nuggets without burning them

he writes poems on his phone late at night because that’s when he gets his best ideas

watches impractical jokers and always points out how similar their friend group is to the show

his favorite game is animal crossing and he avidly reports to everyone how his villagers are doing. he accidentally named his town “todd” after not realizing they were asking for the town name and not his own. his character’s name is funky because he wanted to name the town “funky town”

also uses <3 but doesn’t mind the emoji

[neerasrealm]

POV: Jeff the killer kidnapped you and is venting to you about his internalized homophobia

I COULDN’T THINK OF AN ACTUAL TITLE SO I WENT WITH THAT

Anyway hi this is a jeffxben fic told from jeff’s POV. a little bit angsty but mostly just cuddles and comfort. and one-liners. lots of one-liners. The ending is a lil messy and idk man I didn’t know how to finish the fic so- ignore that

Based on one of these story starters.

Word count: 1907

There are three things you need to know before you read this.

One; hi, I'm Jeff. Nice to meet ya.

Two; I killed my parents three and a half years ago. I know that's a lot to dump on you immediately but it'll be important later.

And three….I'm...gay. There. I said it. I like guys. I'm attracted to men. I want to kiss guys. Or specifically- one guy. 

He has blonde hair, dark skin and bright blue eyes. And also pointed ears. He's a ghost, specifically one that's latched onto a Nintendo 3DS and a cartridge of Majora's Mask 3D. He looks like Link- but I'm not attracted to Link. Link is a twink and that's not my style. 

His name is Ben and Ben? Ben is a bro. He's my bro. He's everyone's bro- he has that natural charisma that makes everyone like him. He's friendly, polite, funny and laid-back. He's always down to hang out with you or invite you into his room to play videogames. Everyone likes Ben. But me? I love Ben. As in- love love him. I want to kiss his goofy face. His lips probably taste like cheetos and beef jerky. Gross. I hate how much I think about how his lips would taste. 

So now you're probably thinking "hey Jeff, why are you just vomiting your gay thoughts on me? Go tell him you love him."

But There's A Problem.

My parents- the dead ones- were really homophobic. Being gay just wasn't something you did. And it still feels wrong to me- which is weird considering the fact that my new adoptive parents are two gay men and my foster siblings are mostly homosexuals. But it still feels wrong. No matter how much I'm exposed to it I still feel that slight guilt whenever I catch myself admiring Ben while he trash talks someone, and I want to punch myself whenever I wake up from a dream about cuddling him. 

So that brings me to this situation. 

Picture this, okay? I'm sitting on his bed with a controller in my hand. We're playing smash bros and having a great time. I'm having...not a good day. You remember the dead parents thing? The trauma I mentioned? Yeah that's been haunting me all fucking day and I'm not feeling good. At all. And of course I'm not gonna tell anybody about it, because that means I have to address the problem. And I never, ever, address problems. Ever. They'll fester in me till the day I die. Like maggots.

That's gross I apologise.

But- yeah. I'm not feeling good and I'm hiding this fact from Ben because he cheers me up way better when he doesn't know I'm sad. 

"Hah! Gotcha!" 

"Shit-!" I swear as my character (king k rool, in case you wondering) flies off the stage. Ben laughs and woops beside me in victory. I shoot him a glare.

"Man you suck at this game." He laughs.

"I don't suck." I spit back. "You're just really good."

"Suuure you are." The smug look he gives me makes me wanna punch him. My hand curls into a fist in my lap. I grunt at him in response. He laughs and nudges me. "Hey it's alright Jeffy," I hate that nickname with the burning passion of a thousand suns. "You'll learn how to play soon enough."

"Lay off, man." I mutter back. I drop the controller and he snickers.

"Aww c'mon don't tell me you're rage quitting on me."

"Shut up dude just-" I shoot him an agitated look. "Just shut your stupid mouth okay?"

His smile drops. "Hey, you okay man?" Shit. He sounds worried.

"I'm fine." I grunt back. He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it. "Get off."

The hand withdraws. I hear him shift on the bed next to me. "Hey, dude-" he frowns. "Are you feeling alright today? Do you- need to talk or chill or…?"

I glare at Ben. He's being nothing but supportive and kind and what am I doing? Being an ass. "No I don't need to fucking chill." I growl at him. "I'm fine, alright? Just fine."

"Alright…" it's quiet for a bit while Ben turns off the game. Eventually he speaks again. "You wanna watch a movie or something? I'm tired so…"

This is a trick. He's tricking me into taking care of my mental health. Fuck you Ben, I'll be as mentally ill as I want. 

‘’I’m gonna go to my room.’’ I stand up and immediately get YANKED back onto the bed by my hood. Ben’s noodle arms wrap around my waist and hold me tight. ‘’Dude-!’’ this is getting a little tOO HOMO-EROTIC, BENNY BOY.

‘’Stay.’’ he murmurs. ‘’I wanna keep an eye on you.’’

‘’Why?’’ I snarl. ‘’Because I’m a stupid kid that can’t look after himself?! Huh?!’’

Ben flinches. ‘’Jeff-’’ he murmurs. ‘’It’s not that I don’t trust you it’s because I know that you need the company right now.’’ he frowns. ‘’Just- lemme keep an eye on you, alright…?’’

Fuck.

Fuck.

fuuuuUUUUUCK.

Why does he CARE SO MUCH. I HATE IT. I’m gonna slam my head into a wall. Gimme a minute.

…

Okay wall slamming accomplished. Back to my predicament. 

‘’Fine.’’ I grunt. He (unfortunately) lets go of me. It’s silent. And uncomfortable. I pick at my fingers. He tilts his head at me.

‘’So- anything you wanna do?’’

I wanna hug you and kiss you and tell you I love you please Ben I’m gay and homophobic at the same time. ‘’Not really.’’

Ben puts a hand on my shoulder and scoots closer. He rests his hand on my other shoulder and...oh god I can fucking smell his hair from here- that’s creepy. Why am I creepy. Actually don’t answer that one. He looks up at me, bright blue eyes shining with kindness. ‘’You wanna talk about it…?’’ he asks gently. Normally I wouldn’t talk about my problems. Ever. But Ben is giving me puppy dog eyes.

‘’...I’m just thinking about mom and dad.’’ I mumble. He nods. ‘’They- treated me like shit. And I keep thinking about the shit they’d say to me-’’ I look down at him. He nods encouragingly. ‘’It’s like...they fucking hated me for all the shit I did- and now I’m here and people are understanding? And Slender- is actually trying to learn why I’m like this? Like- diagnosing me and shit to try and help…’’ I frown. ‘’And I’m just thinking like- if they’d sent me to a therapist would it be different? If I’d just gotten diagnosed or something-’’ I shake my head. ‘’I dunno man…’’

He sits up a bit. He hugs me, pulling me against him. My face goes fucking red. ‘’Maybe things would’ve…’’ he murmurs. ‘’But we can’t change the past...there’s no magic ocarina to take us back in time unfortunately.’’ of course he made a zelda reference. Of course. ‘’We just gotta accept what we got now,’’ he smiles. ‘’And we got each other, right? That’s something to be happy about, isn’t it?’’

Oh god Jeff don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. Not here. Not in front of the man you love. 

…

And you’re crying. Good job Jeff.

I’m not a loud crier. But I am a gross crier. I get all snotty and stuttery and can’t get my voice out properly. Tears prick at the corners of my eyes and silently roll down my gross scarred face. Ben reaches over and brushes them off with cold fingers. He feels cold as he hugs me but I don’t care. I wrap an arm around him and tug him closer. I can feel his breath on my neck as he gently shushes me. He sounds so caring, so...loving. Like a parent should treat their mentally ill kid. 

‘’B-ben-’’ I stammer out. He’s rubbing circles in my back. ‘’I lo-’’ wait what am I saying. ‘’I l-love-’’ WAIT HOLD ON- ‘’I love you…’’

SHIT

FUCK

NO

WAIT-

He hugs me tight and I shiver in the coldness of his body. ‘’I love you too…’’ his voice is soft and gentle. I believe him. I believe that he loves me. Genuinely- like I actually matter to him. He’d miss me if I was gone. And that- that’s a lot. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like it wouldn’t matter if I disappeared off the face of the earth. You wouldn’t care, my parents wouldn’t have cared. But Ben? Ben cares…

Which is why I proceed to squeeze the life (or lack thereof) out of him and sob into his shoulder. He holds me tight until I’ve (kinda) calmed down. He pulls away and tilts my head up to look at him. As gentle and as loving as I’d dreamed him, he wipes tears out of my eyes. I sob horsley and stare at him. He cups my face in his cold hands and smiles down at me.

‘’There you go…’’ he murmurs. ‘’See? I knew you just needed to get it out.’’ he smiles at me. I just- told him I love him. And he’s not making a big deal of it. That’s good, right?? That means he accepts me- right?

Right...yeah. Yeah, Ben accepts me. Ben doesn’t judge. 

‘’Yeah…’’ I gulp and look away from him awkwardly. ‘’Hey uh- do you wanna-’’ I fiddle with my hands again. ‘’Do you wanna...watch a movie or something? Together.’’

He nods and smiles. ‘’I’d love to.’’

And so- we end up watching not one, not two, but three movies, late into the night. And the entire time he’s curled up in my lap, comfy as can be. As the credits on our last movie roll, he looks up at me.

‘’Hey Jeff?’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’I love you.’’

My face goes bright fucking red. I don’t need to see it, I can feel it. I bury my face in my hands out of embarrassment. I hear him laugh at me like the bastard he is. I shoot him a glare from in between my fingers. I want to say it. I really do. I want to tell him I love him back but- it’s- it’s hard. He reaches up and pulls one of my hands away, letting him see me.

‘’You don’t have to say it back. It’s okay. I know.’’ He hugs my waist and rests his head against my chest. ‘’I can wait...until you’re ready.’’

It’s at this point I start crying. Again. 

Ben shushes me gently and runs his hand through my hair. And...as I looked down at him- it finally clicked. I don’t have to put the shield up- not around him. Ben is different. Ben...Ben is good.

Yeah.

Ben is good.

I guess...the reason why I’m telling you this- well...not telling, I guess- writing. The reason why I’m writing this is because...I feel like it’s something important. I need to remember it because...it’s a step. A step in me learning to accept myself. It sounds corny yeah but- fuck off okay? I’m full of trauma and insecurities. I’m allowed be a little sappy.

I don’t know who’ll end up reading this- I mean I’m literally scribbling it into a notebook I found in his drawer. There’s only two people who I really want this to be seen by. Ben, because he deserves to know how much he’s affected and helped me, and two...my brother. Though I doubt he’d ever find this- heh- 

I...love Ben. And that’s okay. At least- to me, I think it is.

[mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune]

I Decided To Watch The Walkthrough Of Deltarune Chapter 2

I was really happy that Chapter 2 was finally ready, but because of reasons... I wasn't able to play it, I mean I wanted to.

but whenever I clicked on it, it ended up showing that small blue message. saying that it might put the PC at risk.

I don't know if I should try to play it or not, maybe nothing will happen and it will just play the game with no problems.

but that message did pop up before,

when I wanted to play that Undertale Kissy Cutie fan game.

the Undertale Don't Forget Fan Game, it works just fine.

those two games didn't have that blue message pop up,

when I clicked on them.

so something must be causing it to happen,

I want to know if it will be okay to play those games.

if others have been having the same problems, but were also worried about playing it because of the blue message.

maybe someday they will have a update for those games where that blue message wont pop up and everything will be fine.

also I wonder if my seeing Toriel as a off-white purple colors, might of been a trick of the eyes...?

what I mean is, that maybe it was....I don't know.

also ya know like the Pie Was Canon, cause  someone's fan animation ended up predicting what was gonna happen in Deltarune.

turns out that Kris really did eat the whole pie.  and by the looks of it, from what I have seen in the walkthrough of Deltarune's Chapter 2.

I think that one of the Comics of Deltarune, might of predicted the future......

well Semi-Future.

so what happens at the school in Deltarune, is canon in the game.

of course there are still some differences from what happens in Chapter 2

and the AU-Comic.

maybe it is me that thinks that a comic predicated what was going to happen in the very start of the Chapter 2....

it took some hours, but I was able to finish watching it.....still wish I could of played it.

but like I said, that blue message that pop up made me decide not to at the moment because it says it might put The PC at risk.

so I'm not sure if it really would, but I don't want to risk it.

so I still have chapter 2 of the game, but I just can't play it right now sadly.

I got to say that the romances in the game was sure interest...

can't wait to see the ships.

well with any hope, all the chapters of Deltarune will be on a Nintendo Switch Game Card someday, maybe in a few years.

hopefully the Cuphead Game will be on a game card too, I still haven’t beaten that game sadly....I really need to try to get one of my family to be my player-2

so that I can maybe beat the hard bosses.

yeah know, Cuphead and Mugman should have common sense not to go into a casino that is run by the Devil.

well them and the debtors, the debtors should of had some sense not to make a deal with the Devil.

I wonder if it’s weird to have thoughts of flipping off the Grandpa Watchers and Nephilim.....? 

or the whole having thoughts of flipping off the Devil himself too...?

and in case there is any confusion, the “Watchers” were Angels....

well I think I would have it in my right to do a double flip the birdy off of them...

for some odd reason a little bit of the song “it’s my life” pop into my head just now....

guess you could say history repeats itself lol.

I mean, if what those mortal men wrote about it is true....

but it is likely one of their fibs.....maybe?

the song it’s my life, it’s by Bon Jovi.

as soon as that song pop into my head, I just had to listen to it.

  even though I might not be able to play Chapter 2 for a while because of the issues that prevent me from playing it.

I did enjoy watching the walkthrough of the chapter 2.

it was worth watching it for hours, plus I was surprised by what happen in the start of the chapter 2....well it happen when Kris went to school and there was something that happen there, which reminded me of well Paper Trial.

I do plan to read more of it on here, of course there is still differences.

but a certain thing that happens at the start of the Chapter 2,

reminds me of it but I wont say what....but what happens in that game that reminds me of Paper Trial, also reminds me of the The Pie Is Canon.

cause of that fan animation that had Kris saying that they were going to eat the whole pie, and it turns out the Chapter 2 Trailer shows that they did in fact eat the whole pie.

so The Pie being ate by Kris at the very end of Chapter 1, is 100% Canon.

 if there was fight between Susie from Deltarune and Cuphead from the Cuphead series.

I think Susie would win, at least I think she would.

plus Cuphead would have to be out of his mind to pick a fight with Susie.

I’m also starting to wonder if Asriel (the one from Deltarune)

might be a bit of a perv...? ^_^;;

if that book he borrowed from the library is a clue and him NEVER returning it.

well, I say it is possible.

Flowey: Has He Have No Shame!?

after finishing listening to it’s my life, I started to listen to some other music.....I’m listening to Equestria Girls songs now.

the magic of friendship is a wonderful thing, but like Sunset said before....

it can be turned into something else, and with how most of the problems in Equestria was solved by turning the “Bad Guys” to stone,

instead of just talking with them and trying to understand their point of view...

I think Sunset and her friends are a bit more better in reforming the bad guys.

I know that not all bad guys from a movie or cartoon or video game series

can be redeemed, that is because they are too far gone or have been really dark from the start.  

  but sometimes a villain, is just a tragic villain who has been hurt by someone either physically, psychology and or emotionally......or all of the above.

it might not be very easy to heal from the wounds.

it might even make you, not as happy as you use to be.     

and when you see a picture of how happy you seem before,

you can just tell that the you that is now, isn’t as happy as the you that is in the picture.

does that make sense...?

but you might still have happy moments and still be okay, and at some days

I don’t believe it is good or right for a Hero or Main Character,

to cross a line when it does not need to be crossed.

like making Magic the scapegoat, and having it be destroyed.

I mean Star Butterfly’s family had been the ones to misuse the magic,

so the magic itself was NEVER the problem....it was her family that was the problem because of their misuse of it.

and Cozy, Tirek and Chrysalis could of been reformed if they were spoken to and asked why they were doing it....I still think the “Magic of Friendship”

did cause Chrysalis some trauma, and that is why she broke out of the feeling good bond she was forming with Tirek and Cozy.

I get it, she was hurting, what she’s been through made her distrustful towards friendship and the ponies that took her family away from her.

even if she does have trauma, she might still care about Cozy and Tirek deep down.....well that is what I believe anyway.

 cause in a way, those three are a adoptive family and they need each other.

 what Discord, Celestia and Luna did to them,

I will not agree was the best course of action.

at least in Steven Universe Future, they solved the problem with Steven the right way....and like it was pointed out in that video I mention from Youtube.

the problem started at the VERY beginning in the Steven Universe Series.

even if Pearl, Amethyst and Garnet love Steven,

they still Semi-Neglected him, but not as much as Greg had.

and the video did point out some very important facts.

all the stuff that happen in Steven Universe, was going to erupt in time....

and when it did, it started to in the Steven Universe Future.

we can’t pretend that there was nothing wrong with Steven,

or like after he got back from space and after the whole Lars dying and coming back to life....

Connie didn’t try to see that Steven was trying to act like everything was fine,

and she shouldn’t just make it about herself, yes she had a right to her feelings and to wanting to be there for Steven, but Steven had been through a lot and he was hurting too. it is still good that they made up at some point.

and it is good that Connie finally figured out that there was something wrong with him, and they ended up as boyfriend and girlfriend at the end of Steven Universe Future.

maybe there is a lesson in both Steven Universe and Steven Universe Future.        

if we re-watch Steven Universe, we might can see why he ends up the way he does in Steven Universe Future and how it ended up causing him extreme emotional pain that would at some point make him view himself as Monster to the point of transforming into a type of Gem-Kaiju. 

it took everyone of his friends and family, to get through to him and give him what he needed, for them to hug him, and to be there for him when he was at his lowest.

Steven was at his lowest, it is possible the breaking point might of started at the first episode of Steven Universe Future or maybe in the Movie...who knows.

but at least he is seeing a therapist, he did say that he is seeing one now.

we can’t pretend the problem that Steven was having, didn’t first start at the early series....we just need to try to understand that it was going to break him past the breaking point and that it was gonna become too much for him.

even if Pearl, Garnet and Amethyst did technically  live with him

(and Amethyst became mature enough at some point to comfort him a bit more, and not just act like the teasing older sister.)

they still were half the cause of what happen to him, even if they made sure to help him with his gem powers and with other stuff.

they still ended up not taking care of him when he needed it.

and he might of thought it was normal, at least until he learned later on in Steven Universe Future, that it wasn’t.

even what his Dad did wasn’t okay, I get that Greg’s relationship with his own parents wasn’t perfect, but he is just as bad as them.

yes there could be reasons why Greg never got his way,

like one of the theories being that one of his parents had very sensitive hearing and couldn’t take really loud music.

another theory I have is that Steven might of went to go live his Grandparents when he left Beach City.

even if his Grandparents could be disappointed with Pearl, Garnet and Amethyst, they might still see them as a bit more responsible than their son Greg.....who could end up having their full disappointment.

  Greg ended up with so much money, and yeah he could of still treat himself.

but he could of send Steven to the hospital, and even hire a tutor for Steven.

but no, he doesn’t do that at all.

and we know what happen in Steven Universe Future

when Doctor Maheswaran points out some very important facts to Steven.

and Steven ends up getting really mad at his Dad, which I don't’ blame him for getting mad, plus the wreck wouldn’t of happen if Greg had stop being so insensitive to Steven’s feelings of wanting to have what he had and took for granted.

Greg only made things worse, with his talk of “freedom”

and even the whole “Gem” thing....

being a Gem, is only half of who Steven is.

and all his life, he was made to think he was only made to be like a replacement for his Mother....and even question what he is for, like with the whole Nora episode.

I still love Steven Universe, as well as the Movie and the Steven Universe Future. 

even if it takes myself and other fans to finally realize that Steven’s problems didn’t first start in Steven Universe Future, BUT in the first series.

and over time during Steven’s childhood it was only getting worse.

we want to believe that Steven’s life was perfect in the first series,

and the bad times he had in most of them, he got through with a smile on his face with no problems at all.         

who knows what the next show will be that Rebecca Sugar will make next,

but I know I wouldn’t mind seeing what comes next, just got to keep a eye out.

also you know how I believe the Darkners from Deltarune

are Tulpa, and from what we see in Chapter 2,

the new Darkners we see in it, are also Tulpa

and there are many different type of Tulpa.

well, I can’t help but wonder if Chara might be a Tulpa.

it is possible that the Red Soul in Undertale and the one in Deltarune,

are one in the same and are Chara.

and when the Player meets Chara after a Geno-Run....

they are really meeting them inside of Frisk’s Head.

I think it is possible that in Undertale, memories have been rewritten by the Man Who Speaks In Hands.

and the human that Prince Asriel befriended and became family to,

wasn’t Chara......but Kris.

with no soul, the Chara-Soul was placed inside the empty body that was buried under the bed of flowers.

 that is possible, but it might just be a theory that might not end up being true.

unless it is....well I do have a theory that Undertale will be one of the chapters.

if that happens that means Crossover, or not....it is just a theory after all.

it be really awesome if that turn out to be true.

a future Chapter having a Crossover between those two games would be really interesting.

I think it might be possible that the two games could be cleaved worlds, once being one in the same before splitting and breaking apart.

we can think about what was originally going to be in the original version,

as the original world before splitting into Undertale and Deltarune.

Chapter 2 was Awesome, well even if I could only watch a walkthrough of it and I couldn’t play it because of what I spoke about before in this....

but I hope that I will be able to play it sometime.

but for now, I am happy with just watching it until I am able to play it myself.

[abby-tabby-wabby]

I usually don't post anything personal on here but I want to let this be seen and understood by others:

I got Undertale for the Nintendo Switch back in November and am now pretty much towards the end of the game. Let me say right here and now that no matter HOW much you know of the game before playing it, it will most DEFINITELY hit differently when playing it on your own and boy....did it hit me.

I won't go into any great detail, but lately I've been going through some stuff that's led me to taking anxiety meds and seeing a therapist, having asbergers certainly has never helped with my ongoing issues either.

That's why the Neutral-Pacifist ending, where all the characters give me a phone call, hit me SO damn hard, to hear those characters I've grown to love and care about tell me to take care of myself, to never give up hope, and to try to be happy...it's something I REALLY needed to hear.

The current year is 2021 and Undertale, a game that came out nearly 6 years ago, has helped me through a lot of hardships and inner struggle, this game truly is something, Hell I've NEVER gotten to the ending of a video game before until now. I did it all because I didn't want to give up, I wanted to see it all through to the end and from now on, that's how I'll be handling life, with a smile on my face and DETERMINATION ❤

[talitaemy]

Pandemic Tales: The Struggle of Routines

Hello again!

I've sketched this one about 3 times, let's see if I can keep the focus now XD

When all of this started (for me it was around the end of March I think? what's even time anymore?) I saw all that posts on social media about "keeping the routine", "doing the everything on the same time as you used to outside quarantine", but let me tell you: THAT'S FREAKING HARD.

I tried to stay the same, waking up at the same time, eating what I usually ate, doing whatever I usually did. 

But my body was telling me "girl, that ain't working anymore",  first of all, I got around 2h+ on my day because I wasn't commuting anymore, so what would I do with this time? Second, because I live far away from the office, if I ate something light in the morning, leaving home by 7:30AM, when it was 10AM I was already starving for lunch, so I used to have a "kinda traditional Japanese breakfast" because I needed all of that, I was using up my energy in the morning, but then, working from home, things change, right?

We as humans have the hability to adapt, and adapt fast, my mom always told me our bodies tell us what we need, our cravings have meanings, and I wasn't craving as much food, I was more and more tired, I started waking up later and later, or waking up really early and couldn't go back to sleep, so by the time I needed to stat working, I was already tired.

I've lost track of time, so I don't remember exactly when it happened, but I decided to try to do something different in the morning, if I woke up early, read a book, watch some netflix, trying to make something out of it, and it worked, for a while. Then I got a nintendo switch lite and my mornings got dedicated to animal crossing new horizons (which made me get the 3 stars in one month XD), but still I somehow went to a bad place (even with animal crossing in my life, who would tell).

My therapist told me to find something outside, I needed to at least go out a little, so I decided to take morning strolls, since the streets are usually empty at 6AM, it made me feel less "unsafe". And it helped, I tried to not make it a "obligation", so if I woke up not feeling like it, I wouldn't (but that's a difference on "not feeling like walking" and "not feeling like doing anything", the later is something I need to keep myself in check).

And then I discovered the good things about "not having a routine", not doing the same thing every single day, not planning every single thing about my day, things that used to bring me comfort before. Why was I doing that? Why isn't it helping now? I know a lot of people say routines are good, but now I think you should do whatever feels right to you, if it is having a routine, have it, but if not, go with the flow. Even more on weird times like we are living now, I think we should hear our bodies and minds with care.

I'm not sure for how long this "not planned lifestyle" will last, but it's working for now (: I hope you're having a great day/night wherever you are, and if not, it's okay, you will get better soon.

ps: atualizarei este post com a versão em português mais pra frente❤️

--- [ 🎶 ] Studio Ghibli Jazz Beats - Relaxing Jazz Hiphop & lofi Music For Study, Work 

[kidmachinate]

Man Vs Machine

Man vs Machine is a theme that has existed for a long time. The Terminator is probably one of the biggest if not the biggest mainstream influence of such a concept as far as the movie industry goes. It would be a key inspiration for the very basis of the first metal band I ever started listening to, Fear Factory. We mentioned a band and a movie so Mega Man is probably the biggest game with these aspects baked into its story. This would carry over in so much over the years that I enjoy...even in my own personal life.

I always have some kind of tie-in to games, music, or whichever form of entertainment or potential escapism. This one will get a bit more personal. Most humans are capable of much more than just mundane tasks we get put on. I say get out on the refer to any average human that has to work a potential job they may hate that is unfulfilling, hopefully fill the other parts of their life with something worth a damn, and then do it all again. We get into these routined. Routines that we would, in theory, if we could, likely have a robot so some of these tasks for us. That isn't realistic, however so in some aspects, we become the robot.

For me, people could make the argument that when it comes to emotions, this is where it shows. Even at a time where I feel more than ever, there's a part that's guarded, that endures whatever is coming. Rushes life in the face when the inevitable thing to comes and strike you down happens. If you combine getting shit done with having a heart, you're seen as having your life in order. That's not all there is too though is there? You've gotta put that heart to work...and that becomes scary. Especially when you have been through and seen quite a bit that leads to a path of...jadeism. 

(Jadeism apparently is a real thing and intentionally used in a improper manner here to send a message)

When things don't work as planned...we cope. We all have our ways of doing it. A lot of these ways could be considered forms of escapism as we embrace other activities, almost in a robotic fashion, to escape real life. To feel. Binge watching Netflix. Writing. Reading...although that CAN be educational. Watching random YouTube videos. Sex. Drugs. Alcohol. Gaming. You get the idea. Some of these are better than others but all are a means to get away.

I try to plan as much as possible to avoid potential failure. Ever more so than having a heart, this is my most "robotic" feature. No matter what scenario I put myself into, I try and have a plan B and/or C, or a what if it all fails plan. Leaning too much into this is almost like slowly dehumanizing yourself. The counter? Feel. Feel to live. It isn't always appreciated but doesn't change how it makes you feel on the inside. To feel at all. To have purpose. I've done this as long as I can remember. As a child I would plot how I would slowly build an allowance to afford either a Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis while playing the few games I had on the Nintendo Entertainment System (a gaming generation behind my friends) and borrowing the games I didn't have myself. I was always...scheming. KidMachinate.

The biggest jab I make at myself lately is I'm as temporary as my job. It pokes fun at life in general, because so much is just temporary. It also refers however to how I tend to make a difference for any one given person and then rarely hear from them again. Thing is, I pull this too. Recharge time is needed but then I just stay away. I keep to myself. Even if all is okay. Part of it too is leaning a bit too hard into the truth. Sometimes people aren't ready for that. I'm trying to get better. I have moments where I suck with this. On good days, although it also depends who I'm talking to, I'll go back and rephrase something. If I'm in a no judgment zone, I don't have to care about this, but even then, I still try and show some caring. Can't just be an uncaring robot, right?

I care for people and have even been told by my therapist to lean into this caring I do...because many don't genuinely care in the way I try to put out to the world. I say the world because that is the goal if any community effort I do gets big. That will be my legacy because the possibility of kids is something that I've grown to not care as much about. This got rather wordy and personal, didn't it?

I planned this post much differently than how it turned out. That's the funny thing about a plan though, it doesn't always work. Life rarely cares about your plan and you have be human enough to accept that. To not get into a mentality of it being easier to run from problems, instead of facing them head on, and plotting the next step. That's gonna require a bit of planning though, isn't it?

Man or machine? Sometimes, I truly wonder, what's the difference.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you like the song “Baby Got Back”? I can rap the whole thing. Impressive, I know.  Do you like arm/wrist warmers? Nah. When did you stop playing with barbies or whatever toy you enjoyed as a child? Aww, I was obsessed with Barbies. I miss those days. I think I played until I was like 10. What’s your favorite game? (Out of electronic games, nintendo games, card games, et cetera) Mario Bros and The Sims. When did you first hear of Harry Potter? I remember kids reading it in elementary school. I didn’t read the books, but I started getting into the movies when Prisoner of Azkaban came out.

How many pictures do you take a month on average? I take a lot of pictures of my doggo. What color are your eyes? Brown. Speaking of eyes, have you ever taken a picture where your eyes turned out a WAY different color from your actual real-life eyes, and somebody ends up complimenting THAT color? No. Are you the type people should take seriously, or should they think you’re joking most of the time? Well, I downplay things a lot so people don’t really know the actual extent of things. They don’t get the seriousness. Surveys are a different story, though.  What do you think of therapists? I think they can be great. I need to find one and try out therapy. Do you have a bad temper? I’m not quick to anger, but I get irritated and frustrated very easily. What do you think about how around Halloween a lot of people harm black cats? That makes me angry. So, are you looking forward to being out on your own? (And if you’re already out on your own, how do you like it?) No. I’m 30 and don’t feel anywhere near ready to be out on my own.  What are your feelings towards e-dating? Not my thing. Would you ever go to a sperm bank to get pregnant? No. What’s the weirdest thing thats happened to you lately? Hmm. Are your nails painted? If so, what color? Nope. I haven’t painted my nails in yearsss. Is random actually.. random anymore? It gets thrown around easily. Which body of water do you prefer? (IE: Pool, ocean, lake, river…) I think the ocean is beautiful and I love being near one at the beach, but I don’t get in it. I don’t get in any body of water. Do you have the same initials as anyone else you know? No. What do you think of people who use the saying, “Ignorance is bliss” in defense of something? (IE: When they’re being naive, know it, and defend themselves by saying “Ignorance is bliss.”) It really depends on what it’s about.  If a little kid walked up to you and asked, “Are you goth?”, how would you respond? I doubt a little kid would even know what that was or randomly ask someone that, but uh I’d say no, I’m not. When you like someone, and they don’t know about it, are you the type who wants to tell them, or them to make a move first? I just hope they somehow figure it out, ha. I’ve only told 4 people how I felt about them. I want them to make the first move.  Does it annoy you when people say their heart is “broken”? No? I’ve felt heartbroken many times. Would you rather hang out with friends, hang out with one close friend, or be alone? Be alone these days. I pushed away any friends I had and now I have none. :/ Do you roll with the punches or get kicked in the gut.. so to speak? I get kicked in the gut. What would make you think a person is “too much to handle”? I’m too much to handle. Would you know exactly how to help a person if they were choking on something? I wouldn’t be able to do the Heimlich Maneuver or anything. Like, physically I can’t (I’m in a wheelchair). I would have to immediately dial 911. Omg, what a frightening situation to even think about... I hope that never happens. I would feel so helpless and be so scared. Do you prefer calm, soft songs - or heavy, loud songs? I like both. What do you think of Mariah Carey? I like some of her songs. As for a person, I’ve heard she’s a diva and very snobby. What about that song by Rihanna where she’s saying she doesn’t want to be a murderer, when SHE’S the one cheating? I liked the song.  What makes you the most frustrated? My health. What are you listening to? I’m watching a YouTube video. What do you think of lucid dreaming? “I have these lucid dreams where I can’t move a thing...” RIP Juice WRLD. :( Anyway, I’ve never experienced it. What language do you want to learn? (If you’ve already learned it, which is it?) I’d just like to be fluent in Spanish. I only know very little, and I’m super rusty now cause it’s been several years since my last Spanish class and I haven’t practiced much since. I should do that Duolingo or whatever thing. Finally, have you ever painted one of those “Paint By Numbers” things? Yeah.

[toomanysurveys9]

Do you like the song “Baby Got Back”? Not really. It just isn't the type of thing I am generally into. Do you like arm/wrist warmers? Not really.. When did you stop playing with barbies or whatever toy you enjoyed as a child? I was in, like, 5th grade. What’s your favorite game? (Out of electronic games, nintendo games, card games, et cetera) I have so many favorite games. I love Scattergories, but no one ever wants to play with me, because it evidently requires too much thinking. When did you first hear of Harry Potter? I think I was in middle school, and I had to sneak reading them because my dad had just became a Christian again and he didn’t like “witch craft”. He has become more open-minded about things like that though. That’s as specific as I remember.

How many pictures do you take a month on average? A lot. I take so many pictures of my kids.

What color are your eyes? Lately people have been saying they’re green? I don’t know, to be honest. Speaking of eyes, have you ever taken a picture where your eyes turned out a WAY different color from your actual real-life eyes, and somebody ends up complimenting THAT color? I don’t think so. Are you the type people should take seriously, or should they think you’re joking most of the time? I’m more serious these days. What do you think of therapists? I think they can be beneficial, although they’re not for everyone, and that’s fine. Do you have a bad temper? Not usually. So, are you looking forward to being out on your own? (And if you’re already out on your own, how do you like it?) I am excited to eventually live with just my husband and kids. I will feel like I have more control over my life and how my kids are raised then I think.  What are your feelings towards e-dating? It works for some people. Would you ever go to a sperm bank to get pregnant? No. What’s the weirdest thing thats happened to you lately? Our BCBA that I don’t think likes me and is giving me 30 days to get a bigger personality or lose my job hugged me on Friday before I left the bar we (entire company although it was only Michael, his girlfriend, Taylor, her boyfriend, and Jade who came to pick me up at that point.) Are your nails painted? If so, what color? They’re never painted. Is random actually.. random anymore? I mean. Yeah. Which body of water do you prefer? (IE: Pool, ocean, lake, river…) Lakes. I love oceans but they also scare the crap out of me. Do you have the same initials as anyone else you know? My first and last name is the same as Jacob’s sisters, although our middle names differ. What do you think of people who use the saying, “Ignorance is bliss” in defense of something? (IE: When they’re being naive, know it, and defend themselves by saying “Ignorance is bliss.”) I don’t agree.  If a little kid walked up to you and asked, “Are you goth?”, how would you respond? No? Lol. I would probably just smile and say no. I don’t know. When you like someone, and they don’t know about it, are you the type who wants to tell them, or them to make a move first? Prefer they make the first move. Does it annoy you when people say their heart is “broken”? No. Why would it? Would you rather hang out with friends, hang out with one close friend, or be alone? One close friend. Or my kids. Or alone. Do you roll with the punches or get kicked in the gut.. so to speak? Definitely a bit of both. What would make you think a person is “too much to handle”? If they’re always playing victim or trying to one up whatever situation you’re talking about. Things like that. Would you know exactly how to help a person if they were choking on something? Yeah. I’m BLS certified, which is a step beyond just CPR I think. Do you prefer calm, soft songs - or heavy, loud songs? Depends on my mood. What do you think of Mariah Carey? Not my favorite, but ya know. What about that song by Rihanna where she’s saying she doesn’t want to be a murderer, when SHE’S the one cheating? I used to like it when I was younger. But I heard it fairly recently and I couldn’t do it. What makes you the most frustrated? Abusive assholes. What are you listening to? The kids. What do you think of lucid dreaming? I don’t really have any thoughts in particular. What language do you want to learn? (If you’ve already learned it, which is it?) I probably won’t learn anymore, to be honest. It’s a lot harder to learn as an adult and I just don’t have the time. I’d love to learn Spanish and ASL though. Finally, have you ever painted one of those “Paint By Numbers” things? Yeah. When I was a kid we would get them sometimes. 

[operationrainfall]

As both oprainfall’s resident indie nerd and Nintendo fanboy, it fell upon me to cover the Indie Direct. I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect, cause sometimes the cup runneth over for indie fans, and sometimes it doesn’t. Thankfully, it veritably overflowed today, with nearly 20 games announced for a variety of genres. It was both old games coming to the Nintendo Switch, as well as entirely new and exclusive games. There’s a lot to cover, and a lot of reasons to be excited. So I’ll give a brief snippet of each title covered, in the order they were revealed, as well as release info. Buckle up, boys and girls.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

First up was an announcement that made me smile and groan at the same time. Creepy milk commercial aside, Cuphead is officially heading to the Nintendo Switch on April 18th. The reason I’m groaning is cause I already bought this on Steam, but would much prefer it on Switch. So I guess Studio MDHR gets my money twice. You can pre-purchase the game as of today, though it officially launches on April 18th, bringing beautifully animated chaos to your system.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Next up is Overland, a squad focused, turn-based apocalyptic strategy game. It looks like it has elements of tactical RPGs and a bit of Oregon Trail ethos, where you can’t save everyone. Since it’s set in such a dangerous climate, it shouldn’t surprise you that the farther west you go, the weirder things get. This randomly generated adventure is heading to the Switch this Fall.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I’m very happy that My Friend Pedro is finally heading to the Switch this June. I’m even more surprised that they announced it was a console exclusive, since the last time I demoed it, I could have sworn it was also headed to PS4 and PC. Regardless, if you love frenetic, coordinated violence on a comical scale and talking bananas, you’ll love this one.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I got to play Neo Cab at E3 last year, and I’m glad to hear it’s coming out soon. This visually distinct game involves trying to reunite with your best friend in a future ruled by a dystopian megacorporation. You’re the last human driver in city overrun by automation, and your job is to drive folks around while staying calm and unveiling the mysteries of the city. Neo Cab is out later this Summer.

When I heard this next game was about dog racing, I almost skipped it. But then I saw that The Red Lantern is narrative driven and has an interesting overall style. Developed by Timberline Studio, in the game you’ll engage in the Iditarod, fight the wilderness, tend your dogs, mend wounds and hunt to survive. Fend off bear attacks and get to your destination alive. Oh and if you like gyro controls, The Red Lantern has those as well. This unique adventure is out later this year.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I don’t normally think of top down when I think of survival horror, but Darkwood looks to be a strange and eerie adventure. In this title you’ll craft weapons, explore hideouts and hunker down at night while praying for the sun as monsters hunt you. Darkwood is also procedurally generated, so every time will be different. If that sounds like your cup of tea, it’s out this May.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Personally, I adore the style of Katana Zero. It has lush pixelated charm and lots of action. You play as Dragon the assassin. Armed with precognition, you will manipulate time and leave no witnesses. One hit and you’re dead though, but thankfully the game rewinds levels when you lose. And on the random side of things, in between missions you’ll talk with a therapist to get over your demons. Katana Zero is out April 18, though you can pre-purchase it today.

I admit I have yet to play any game published by Double Fine (though I do own a couple). But I’ve played many from Bandai Namco, and that’s relevant since this next game is by both. RAD is a top down adventure game where your primary power is the skill to mutate into horrid beasts to fight other horrid beasts. Sounds like my sort of game, so perhaps this will be the first Double Fine title I end up playing. RAD is out later this Summer.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

If you had told me earlier today a game with a mix of post apocalyptic mayhem and pinball was gonna intrigue me, I would have called you a filthy liar. Well, now I know better, as Creature in the Well seems to mix both effortlessly. It features 8 dungeons, top down action adventure, pinball ricochet mechanics and lots of crazy. A giant creature has trapped your town in a sandstorm, so you have to slay it with over 15 weapons, each with different quirks. This fascinating looking title is out later this Summer.

I’m super excited that they announced that Bloodroots is out this Summer. Not only was this game a blast at PAX West, but it’s really a one of a kind action game. Everything in the environment is your weapon, which is good since one hit and you’re a gonner. Play as anti-hero Mr. Wolf on his mysterious quest for revenge. Can’t wait til I get my hands on this.

Pine gave me all sorts of Redwall vibes. This open world, 3rd person action adventure game adapts to your choices and features lots of strange creatures. Explore miles of terrain and engage with 5 factions of anthropomorphic animal men, including Moose and Gator. Scavenge, barter, harvest and craft this August.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Vlambeer got a lot of love, showing off 2 ports and one entirely new title. Super Crate Box is one of the ports out today. It features fast paced, multiplayer matches, which are exclusive to this version. Nuclear Throne is also out today, offering post apocalyptic fun solo or with a buddy. Lastly, the new title is Vlambeer Arcade, which features a growing catalog of bite sized games, including Ultra Bugs first. Think Space Invaders, except you use enemy DNA to customize your ship. Vlambeer Arcade is out later this year.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

If you like 2D fun in the ocean, you’ll love Swimsanity! It features 1-4 player bouts with humans or bots. This multiplayer underwater shooter has more than 150 challenges, 8 game modes and 5 worlds. Choose classic or motion control and enjoy matchmaking and in-game voice chat. Out later this Summer.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

When I think indie on Switch, I always think of Inti Creates. Today they announced the sequel to the wonderful Blaster Master Zero, Blaster Master Zero II. It features the Gaia-Sophia tank, a new blast counter mechanic, travelling across the galaxy to different planets and planetoids, new items and even a broad new cast of characters. Best of all, Blaster Master Zero II is out RIGHT NOW. I’ll wait while you go buy it.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The strangest reveal today was Stranger Things 3: The Game. Not a lot of details were announced for this isometric adventure game, other than local co-op, puzzle solving, and 12 playable characters. What I can say definitively is it releases July 4th which is also the same day that the 3rd season hits Netflix. Count me excited.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

They saved the best for almost last. At first I thought it was just talking about new content for Crypt of the Necrodancer, but surprise! It’s actually a brand new game in that universe called Cadence of Hyrule. Team up with Link and Zelda and fight off the hordes of Gannon and friends. This wonderfully exuberant looking game (which I’m sure will be a console exclusive) is out Spring 2019.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The last thing to cover today is that there will be a sale for other indies already on Switch later today. Whew, talk about a ton of new reasons to be excited. Thanks for joining oprainfall for your coverage and stay tuned for more info about these games in the near future!

Nintendo’s Indie Direct Recap, Including Cuphead and Cadence of Hyrule As both oprainfall's resident indie nerd and Nintendo fanboy, it fell upon me to cover the Indie Direct.

[bringinbackpod]

Interview with Ghost Town Remedy

​​We had the pleasure of interviewing Ghost Town Remedy over Zoom video!

​​​​Please share while we are #togetherathome ​🏠​

​​​​Meet Ghost Town Remedy: an energetic power-pop/punk quartet hailing from Nashville, TN. They are thrilled to share their newly released singles, “Therapy," streaming everywhere, and featured in Substream Magazine. 

​​​​“It's kind of a funny story actually," says lead singer and guitarist TJ Maher. "The song itself came about during an argument with my ex. She basically told me, 'I can't be your girlfriend and your therapist. You're going to have to pick one.' I started writing the chorus right there mid-fight. 'Therapy' for me, is a song about recognizing that you can't always do everything on your own and that it's ok to ask for help if you need it," continues Maher. "Everyone has their burdens and we've all dealt with depression in some form or another.” 

​​Ghost Town Remedy exhibits “truly shred worthy guitar riffs…with subtle hints of Nintendo-Rock” says Under Bright Lights. With unique songwriting, 4 part harmonies, melodic guitars, fuzzy bass lines, and massive drums you're sure to have a good time. 

​​Ghost Town Remedy formed in 2011 after TJ Maher (Guitarist) and Steve Lane (Drummer) met while performing in a local Christmas pageant in Northern Virginia. They found themselves learning tunes off of Weezer’s Blue Album instead of practicing the required material. After years of circulating the DIY scene in NoVA, the band relocated to Nashville in 2016 and released their first effort "Caffeine Dreams" in September of 2017. Shortly after that release, Rich Ridgell (Bass) and Jordan Winborne (Guitar) rounded out the lineup. GTR is currently putting the final touches on their upcoming album with plans to release in summer 2020.

​​“Therapy” and “Holy Hangover” is out now!​​  

​​LINKS: 

​​www.ghosttownremedy.com

​​https://www.facebook.com/ghosttownremedy/

​​https://www.instagram.com/ghosttownremedy/

​​We want to hear from you!  Please email Tera@BringinitBackwards.com 

​​www.BringinitBackwards.com

​​#podcast #interview #bringinbackpod  #foryou #foryoupage #stayhome #togetherathome #zoom #aspn #americansongwriter

source https://bringin-it-backwards.simplecast.com/episodes/interview-with-ghost-town-remedy-ILpXbdFh

[demonsurveys]

#16

Do you like the song “Baby Got Back”? No

Do you like arm/wrist warmers? No When did you stop playing with barbies or whatever toy you enjoyed as a child? I can’t actually remember. I feel like it was probably my final year of primary school so about age 10.

What’s your favourite game? (Out of electronic games, nintendo games, card games, et cetera) I love cards against humanity and uno

When did you first hear of Harry Potter? In primary school

How many pictures do you take a month on average? I don’t tend to take many photos unless I’m out doing something which is rare. I take a lot of screenshots of memes and tweets though

What colour are your eyes? Blue

Speaking of eyes, have you ever taken a picture where your eyes turned out a WAY different colour from your actual real-life eyes, and somebody ends up complimenting THAT colour? No

Are you the type people should take seriously, or should they think you’re joking most of the time? I don’t think anyone thinks I’m serious all the time or joking all the time either. I’d say I’m balanced between the two.

What do you think of therapists? I’ve had bad experiences with them before but I know a lot of people benefit

Do you have a bad temper? I don’t think so, no more so than the average person anyway

So, are you looking forward to being out on your own? (And if you’re already out on your own, how do you like it?) I was out on my own for three years but then had to move back home. I got lonely out on my own but I do miss the freedom and independence it had. I’d like to move out again within the next few years.

What are your feelings towards e-dating? If you’re sensible then sure, go for it. I met my girlfriend online but it wasn’t through e-dating. It was definitely something I didn’t want to do originally and when I realised I’d caught feelings I panicked but she came into my life that way.

Would you ever go to a sperm bank to get pregnant? Maybe in the future, I wouldn’t rule it out as an option but not right now.

What’s the weirdest thing that’s happened to you lately? I experienced deja vu for the third time earlier. Like I knew I’d experienced it twice before already about the same event.

Are your nails painted? If so, what colour? No

Is random actually.. random anymore? Fun fact: nothing can be truly random

Which body of water do you prefer? (IE: Pool, ocean, lake, river…) I like looking at oceans, lakes and rivers but much prefer swimming in a pool. I’d say lake if I had to pick though

Do you have the same initials as anyone else you know? No

What do you think of people who use the saying, “Ignorance is bliss” in defense of something? (IE: When they’re being naive, know it, and defend themselves by saying “Ignorance is bliss.”) It’s shit

If a little kid walked up to you and asked, “Are you goth?”, how would you respond? No but if that happened I wouldn’t be surprised I like to wear all black a lot

When you like someone, and they don’t know about it, are you the type who wants to tell them, or them to make a move first? I usually wait for someone to make the first move but with this relationship after drinking a shit ton of alcohol I told my girlfriend I liked her which I have never done before

Does it annoy you when people say their heart is “broken”? No

Would you rather hang out with friends, hang out with one close friend, or be alone? One close friend

Do you roll with the punches or get kicked in the gut.. so to speak? Roll with the punches

Would you know exactly how to help a person if they were choking on something? Yes but I’d still be panicked 

Do you prefer calm, soft songs - or heavy, loud songs? It depends on my mood. Right now? Calm and soft

What do you think of Mariah Carey? It’s funny seeing her on every packet of walkers crisps at the moment but other than that I don’t really have an opinion

What about that song by Rihanna where she’s saying she doesn’t want to be a murderer, when SHE’S the one cheating? She means she knows what she’s doing is wrong and will kill her partner on the inside. I like the song but it’s not one of her best and I don’t condone cheating anyway.

What makes you the most frustrated? At the moment? The state of my country

What are you listening to? The sound of me typing

What do you think of lucid dreaming? I tried to do it before but never could

What language do you want to learn? (If you’ve already learned it, which is it?) Italian so I can fuck off to italy and live there

Finally, have you ever painted one of those “Paint By Numbers” things? Yes

[astoldbyacertifiedunicorn]

Japril Appreciation Week: Day 3 ⇒ A song or quote that reminds you of them 

Halo by Beyoncé 

Remember those walls I built?

Well, baby they're tumbling down

And they didn't even put up a fight

They didn't even make a sound

I found a way to let you in

But, I never really had a doubt

Standing in the light of your halo

I got my angel now

Jackson Avery couldn't understand why exactly he was feeling so angry. It was a hard emotion to pin down for a 7 year old. He just knew, that despite all the coddling his mother has been trying to do, and all the yelling his granddad had done, he had an inexplicable need to act out. 

And now here he was, at a doctor's office, where his mom said that his behavior at school meant he'd have to talk to this doctor and tell her what was wrong. He wanted to tell her that he wasn't sure what was wrong, so there was nothing to tell her. He hadn't meant to push Pete off the swing. He really hadn't. But Pete had been talking about how his dad was teaching him to play baseball and how they'd gone for ice cream after, and he hadn't stopped when Jackson had asked him to. So, he'd pushed him, and Pete had gotten a scrape on his forehead and he'd cried real hard. Jackson had felt terrible. It wasn't Pete's fault he was feeling awfully angry this whole month. 

"Jackson, please stop being difficult. You're an Avery. You can't act out like this in public." Catherine told him, through gritted teeth, as she dragged him along a hallway leading to the doctor he was supposed to see. 

He didn't care much at the time that he was an Avery, it didn't mean anything to him. He just knew he was having a particularly bad day and he needed to scream. A lot. 

"Honey, please stop screaming." Catherine huffed, looking completely lost as to what to do with a screeching child who was kicking, arms flailing wildly as she carried him to the psychiatric ward to meet a child therapist, with as much grace as she could muster. 

"I don't want to go! I don't want to go!" He bent his body, and let his feet hit the floor, attempting to pull his mother to screeching halt.

"Honey, you have to. The school isn't letting you back until the doctor says you're... fine." Catherine explains, in a hushed voice, both to soothe and avoid scandal. 

"I am fine!" He says indignantly, even though he knows that feeling like you're fine means you want to play on the Nintendo instead of feeling like throwing it across the room. 

"You're not, Jackson. And it's okay. You're da-" 

He screamed as loud as he could, lungs puffed out, and the veins in his throat almost popping through the thin skin. She was going to say a name he didn't want to hear. 

"Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I won't bring him up. Just... please. Behave." Catherine tried to no avail, since Jackson was still belting out high pitch yells, and she had no option but to carry him into the room. 

 Maybe it was the stillness of the room itself, or the many faces that turned their way when they entered, but the moment they stepped into the room, Jackson went quiet. He looked around, observing the area with his eyes, unsure of what exactly this place was. It had bright coloured walls, and a play area a little off to the place where adults were all seated, flipping through magazines. His mother, finally looking relieved, was asked by a lady seated at a desk, to wait for some time before the doctor could see him. 

 She took Jackson's hand and led him into the play area, "Please, please, play nice." 

 He turned around, a scowl permanently etched on his face, as he walked forward, kicking all the toys that lay in his path as hard as he possibly could. There were 2 kids to the right, coloring and a little girl who was playing in the toy house all by herself. He chose a spot nearer to the door, sat cross legged, and took to the task of throwing any object in his vicinity as far as he possibly could. He did this for a while, happy with the rush he got every time a toy bounced so hard it almost broke.

 "Hi." 

 He stopped, a toy truck in hand, wheels almost falling off from being thrown numerous times, and looked to his right. 

 "I'm April Kepner. But you can call me April. Do you want to be my husband?" 

 He blinked, completely taken aback by this bold little girl in front of him, who was holding out her hand towards him. Her red hair was pulled up by two pigtails, and she had on a pair of dungarees, a wide smile, and a pair of massive glasses, she kept pushing up her nose. 

 "Me and Lizzy are playing house," She clarifies, pointing to a battered down doll, "I'm her mommy, and so if we get married, you can be her daddy."

 He turns red, and his hands ball up into fists. He didn't want to play house with this girl. She was annoying, and he hated her. Just like he hated everyone, especially his dad. 

 "I don't want to play a stupid game with you. Leave me alone!" He yells at her, and although most kids he knew, now flinched around him, April seemed to stay steady. 

 "It's not a stupid game." She insists, and smiles wider, "We have to go to work, and come home, and look after Lizzy. Like mommy's and daddy's do." 

 "It's a stupid game because not all daddy's do that!" He tells her, rolling his eyes. Some daddy's don't come back home. 

 "What do you mean?" She asks, putting her hands into her pockets. 

 "Nothing." He mumbles, because he doesn't talk about that day. 

 He doesn't talk about the day his daddy said he'd just be going to work, and he never came back after that. He doesn't talk about how Jackson had waited every day for a whole month, on the step outside his house, like he always does. Maybe he'd gone on a trip, Jackson had thought, he'll come back. He always goes on trips, but he always comes back. He'd waited, and waited, thought of all the stories he'd tell his dad when he came home, and all the games they'd play. He couldn't wait. He sat there, on that step, from the time he got home from school, all the way until the sun had set, waiting for his dad to just come home. He'd done that, until his mom had patted his head, and told him, in the same tone she used when his pet goldfish Frank had died, that dad wasn't coming back. 

 "Dads are dumb. I don't want to be a dad." He tells her, and she thinks this over for a second. 

 "Hm, then you can be the mom!" She tells him, gleefully, and Jackson feels like laughing for the first time in a while. 

 "I can't be the mom, stupid." He tells her, and instantly feels bad when she looks hurt. 

 "Hey! Don't call me stupid. I'm really smart. I read a lot, and know big words, like approximately."

 Jackson nodded, quite impressed, and muttered an apology. 

 "It's okay," She smiles, "So do you want to be the mom?" 

 Jackson nods, hesitatingly. He doesn't want to play, but there was something about April he now decided that he quite liked. 

 "Okay." Because at least moms don't leave. 

 "Why do you hate dads?" She asks, and he purses his lips, before he relents. 

 "They leave you." 

 "No they don't." She argues, looking baffled. 

 "Mine did." Jackson shrugs, carefully picking up Lizzie from April. 

 "Oh." She says, and pouts for a moment, "Well then he's a bad daddy." 

 Jackson looks up at her, and feels angry for a second. He new he should probably defend his father, but even at 7 years old he knew it wasn't true. 

 "Yeah he is." 

 "Is that why you're so mad?" She asks him, and Jackson takes a while before he nods, "Well, that seems fair. I'd be so angry if my daddy left too." 

 He didn't know there would be anyone who'd think he was right to feel the way he did.

 "Thanks." 

 She smiles at him, a toothy grin, and Jackson notices how she's missing a couple of teeth, but she was cute for a girl, even though rumour was they all had cooties. 

 "Hey Jackson," April says, as they get ready to go to work, and he feeds Lizzy with a tube they're pretending is a bottle, "I won't leave. I'm going to be the best daddy!" 

 He smiles, and something happens for the first time since his dad left. He doesn't feel so angry anymore. 

 Hit me like a ray of sun

Burning through my darkest night

You're the only one that I want

Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again

But this don't even feel like falling

Gravity can't forget to pull me back to the ground again

 “Hey, April!”

 His best friend, who was sitting cross legged on the floor, near the play area, looked up from her book, and waved him over. She was wearing a sweater with a long skirt, and had apparently broken her glasses from the looks of it, since it was being held together by a white plaster of some sort.

 April and him had been friends ever since they’d met when they were seven years old, right here, in the waiting room of Mass Gen’s psych ward. Now they were both 14, and they still came here every Friday. She made these appointments his mother forced him to go, more bearable.

 When he reaches her, she scoots over to make space for him, as he takes a seat, pushing his legs in front of him.

 “What are you reading?” He asks, peaking at the words in her books, which were far too small for his liking.

 “Ulysses by James Joyce. It’s the Latinised name of the hero, Odysseus in Homer’s poem Odyssey. It's really interesting because throughout the novel you see parallels of the poem and the novel, like the characters structural experiences and the thematic exploration of modernism-”

 He chuckles quietly to himself, as April basically narrates a book report right in front of him. She was a bit of nerd, and he said that with pride. His best friend was one of the smartest people he knew. Heck, that’s why she was here in the first place. As a kid, April had never paid attention in class, and her teachers had found her difficult to teach since she doesn’t seem to be interested in her lessons. Her parents had gotten worried and brought her here, just to make sure April didn’t have any learning difficulties. Turns out, it was quite the opposite. She wasn’t challenged enough, because she was too smart for the grade she was in. So, she’d gotten bumped up a few grades, and was now a high school student at 14.

 “Sounds boring.” He teases, and pushes her with his elbow.

 “Shut up! It’s really good. It’s just-” She bites her lip, and hesitates.

 “Unnecessarily overcomplicated and a tiny bit over hyped?” He guesses, and she shyly chuckles before agreeing.

 “Yeah. It is. But it’s still good though.” She says, and closes the book before placing it back into her bag pack.

 “Says you, nerd.”

 She pushes him away, and rolls her eyes, 

 “How was school?”

 "Same old, same old. Nothing exciting,” He shrugs, trying to act as nonchalant as possible.

 April stares at him, eyes narrowed and he can tell that she knows he’s bluffing.

 “I know when you’re lying! What happened?”

 He waits a second, letting her grow slightly impatient as she whines for him to stop being an asshole, and just tell her.  He gives in, smirking fully, as he deposits his report card on her lap. She opens it up, and begins to squeal so loud she gets hushed by Nurse Ria.

 "Sorry,” She mutters to Ria, as she throws her hands over his shoulders, hugging him tightly, “I told you, you could do it”

 He grins at her, and nods his head, “You did. Thank you for tutoring me… and you know, for believing in me and stuff.”

 He’s awkward with these kind of talks, but he really wants her to know how much he appreciates her friendship. His family never really cared to push him. His mom excused pretty much anything he did because of his dad, and his grandfather didn’t see any potential in him, which he never once failed to remind him. Jackson was just a sad, pretty face and he knew that nothing was expected of him. Well, by his family at least. April, on the other hand, had spent the last couple of months, tutoring him and pushing him trying to prove to him that if he worked hard, he could be really smart. He’d been unwilling at first, but the more time went on, Jackson had realized that he wasn’t failing because he wasn’t smart, but because no one cared enough to tell him otherwise. Except for April. So when he’d received his report with all A’s, he knew there was just one person he wanted to show it to.

 “I am so proud of you.” She smiles at him, her eyes beaming and her tone so genuine. His stomach did that weird flip it did whenever she looked at him like that. He wasn’t sure why.

 “So what’s up with you?” He asks her, as she hands him his report back.

 She opens her mouth as if to say something, and then shakes her head, faking a smile, “Nothing.”

 “You know, I can read you too, right?” He asks, and she drops her smile, instead choosing to pout, “April, come on, tell me. Did someone do something? Did they say something?”

 “They always do that.” She shrugs, as if she’s used to it, even though she really shouldn’t have to be. April had never had an easy time fitting in. She was smart, imaginative and a little strange, and even though those were all his favorite things about her, it also meant that she was an easy target for bullies. It also didn’t help that her classmates were all almost 4 or 5 years older than her. It was another reason why she still came here.

 “Hey, come on. Tell me.”

 She takes a deep breath and turns to him, “It’s so stupid, I shouldn’t even be upset.”

 He raises his brows at her, and clears his throat, putting on his best impression of their psychiatrist, Dr.Jones, “Your emotions are always valid. You have a right to be upset about even the smallest, most inconsequential of things.”

 April laughs, but it feels too forced, and it makes him want to punch whoever hurt her.

 “We have senior prom coming up, and I didn’t even want to go. You know I don’t like parties,” She tells him, and he nods, “Anyway, Jake, this guy in my biology class, asked me to go with him, and he’s… cute and kind of smart, so I said yes.”

 Jackson unconsciously clenches his fist. He already didn’t like where this story was going.

 “So, it turns out, it was all going to be a prank. He wasn’t going to turn up on that day. I overheard them when I went back after class to get this book I’d left behind.”

 She wipes her eyes, and he watches a stray tear roll down her cheeks. What a dick, he thinks. What kind of a horrible, disgusting, pathetic human being has to make someone feel like this so that they can feel better about themselves? April didn’t deserve this. Heck, no person deserved this.

 "What a fucker.” He mumbles, and April look shocked at how cold he sounds.

 “Jackson, don’t curse.” She mutters back, as she quickly shoots a glance around the room.

 “Do you want me to beat him up?” He asks, all serious, because even though he was younger than this guy, Jackson was quite built for his age, so he could probably take him out. He would, for her.

 “Don’t be ridiculous. If you do anything stupid like that I will go straight to your mother, okay?”

 “Whatever.” He mutters, but he knew she wasn’t joking about that.

 “April Kepner.” Nurse Ria, points at the door, indicating to April that she could go in.

 “We’re still on for tomorrow, right?” She asks, standing up, and patting her skirt down. They had movie night every Saturday at his place.

 “Yeah,” He says, but there’s something else he’s itching to ask her.

 “April?”

 “Hm?”

 He gulps, wondering when he’d gotten so nervous, “Do you… do you maybe want to go to prom with me?”

 She looks confused for a while, and a little astounded at his question.

 “You mean your junior prom?”

 He nods.

 “Yeah. All our friends will be there. Alex, Cristina, Lexie and Mark.”

 She smiles, “I do miss the gang.”

 “So, you… want to go?”

 She looks at him, and blushes, tugging on her bag.

 “April, go in!” Nurse Ria ushers her, clearly impatient.

 She looks over her shoulder, and turns back to him.

 “Okay.”

 He grins, almost breaking his jaw.

 “Okay.”

 It's like I've been awakened

Every rule I had you breakin'

It's the risk that I'm taking

I ain't never gonna shut you out

 It had been 2 weeks of hell for Jackson. He sat in the car, head on the steering wheel, thinking about how he wasn't at all ready to go have a therapy session where he'd undoubtedly have to bring up the events of the past 2 weeks. 

 God, did he regret it. He regretted it every single day since it happened. He could barely sleep or concentrate on his classes, he was disengaged from his friends and he didn't really give a shit that he'd been an angry, intolerable douche as his mother loved to remind him. 

 He groaned, realizing he was just delaying the inevitable, and got down from his car. He walked towards the hospital, and caught his reflection on the mirror. He hadn't shaved in a while, and he looked like he felt on the inside, absolutely shitty. 

 "Hi, Jackson. You're early this week." 

 He manages a smile at the receptionist, and nods his head, "Yeah, I, uh, got caught up in a class last week." 

 No he hadn't. He'd come here, sat in his car in the parking lot and waited until he'd seen April leave the hospital, to get down and leave for his appointment. It had only been a week, and it was too fresh. 

 "Alright, well, you'll go in after April." She winks at him, and he lowers his head in shame. Of course, everyone here still thought they were together. 

 He doesn't say anything, instead nods a goodbye and walks towards the room. He slowly opens the door, and heads inside, while some faces look up to see who had entered. He smiles at Jake, a 32 year old with severe social anxiety. They never talked, but sometimes Jackson would play video games  in the waiting room with him, until April was done. 

 April. There she was, tucked into a corner, seemingly reading through some notes from class. She looked amazing, he thought. She was wearing a pale blue skater dress, with sandals, and her red hair was piled at the top of her head in a messy bun. April was, as always, effortless. 

 He hesitates for a slight second, wonders if he should maybe stay outside the waiting area for some more time, but honestly it would make him more of a coward than he already was. 

 He walks up to her, and she senses his presence, tearing her eyes from her notes to glance up at him. She looks up at him, and her face is conflicted with a mixture of emotions. She looks sad, angry and resigned. The worst thing is through it all he sees what he saw that night, when she told him she loved him, and he had gotten too scared to say it back. 

 "Can I sit here?" Jackson asks, softly, pointing to the two chairs in the corner.

 She nods, and looks away from him, as he sits down, throwing his bag on the other chair. 

 They sit in silence for a while, before he decides he needs to say something, because damn it, he misses her. 

 "How are you?" He asks and she turns to face him. It breaks his heart once more when he sees the bags under her eyes and the pale skin, and red eyes. He did this to her.

 She frowns, clearly annoyed by his question, and even he has to admit it was a dumb one. 

 "I'm sorry, that was a really stupid question." He laughs, humorlessly. 

 He knows he's really fucked up when she doesn't even reply. Heck, he knew he really fucked up the moment she'd stormed out of his room, crying her eyes out 2 weeks ago. They'd tip toed around each other for the majority of their teenage years, after they'd gone to junior prom and lost their virginity to each other. When they’d gone to college he’d finally grown the balls to ask her out, and when they'd started dating, Jackson had thought they'd finally figured it out.

 "April, I-I really am so sorry. I don't want to hurt you. God, April, that's the last thing I want to do." He tells her with a melancholic smile on his lips, "I regret it, so damn much, but... I don't know, it's for the best? Trust me, it's is. You don't... you don't want to love me."

 She sighs, and shakes her head, letting her hair fall over her face. He knows she does this when she's mad at him and wants to block him out, but it's an indication she's listening so he goes on. 

 "Do you hate me? Please don't hate me." He whispers. 

 "I don't hate you." 

 She tells him, rolling her eyes, finally coming out of the hair veil she had going on. 

 "Yeah?" 

 "Of course I don't hate you, Jackson! That's the whole problem! The problem is I love you so much that it almost feels unhealthy." She groans, burying her face in her hands. 

 "April-" 

 "No!" She yells, a little too loud, and her face flushes having remembered that they're in public. She settles on a stern, hushed tone, "You don't get to do this, Jackson. You don't get to break me, and then come here and say you're sorry, and act like regretting it will make everything alright again. It doesn't work like that!" 

 "I didn't think that. I swear I didn't. I just wanted to explain-" 

 "Explain what? That you don't love me back? Don't worry, message received. Loud and clear. Just... please leave me alone, Jackson. Go back to avoiding me like you've been doing these last 2 weeks. Go back to acting like we never happened." 

 Yes, he had avoided her. He'd intentionally avoided places she visits, and kept to his campus. She goes to Yale, and he goes to Harvard, something he'd for once be grateful for. He just couldn't bear seeing her, and be reminded of the choice he'd made. 

 "Okay, you're right. I avoided you. I'm sorry. I should've handled that better." 

 "You don't say." She replies, sarcastically. 

 "But don't... don't say I don't- that I don't-" His words fail him, like they did that day, when he needs it the most. 

 He waits for a second, gathers his thoughts. He had to make a decision, because one thing was for sure. He did love her. It was that overwhelming realization that had led to them breaking up in the first place. He loved her, but he had no idea what love was. He wouldn't ever try to love April without knowing exactly how to love her right. But, he also needed her in his life. Selfish or selfless? Maybe he was too young to make the right choice. Either way, she needed to know why.

 "I have never felt like this. I've never felt so overwhelmed by something, by someone, like I do with you. April, everything I feel for you, overwhelms me. And it's scary. It's terrifying, because I know I'm just going to end up failing you." 

 He admits, and looks up at her staring back at him, completely shocked. She'd definitely not guessed that, he could tell. God knows what conclusions she'd come to, with all her insecurities and anxieties. 

 "What? No you won't." She says, as if the mere thought was ridiculous. 

 "I will, April! I will! I don't know how to love someone. I'll screw it up and I'll hurt you, more than I already have, and you'll hate me. I can't have you hating me." He'd give her up, if it was for her best. Selfless, it is then. 

 "No, no, you won't. I know you won't." She insists. 

 "April-" 

 "No! You listen here. You are not your father. You are not Robert. You're Jackson. You are a completely different person. I know he screwed you up, Jackson, I know that. But are you really going to let him screw everything up for the rest of your life? Don't give him that kind of power!" She pokes him in the chest, once, twice, to prove her point. 

 She takes in a deep breath, and calms herself, considering her outburst had gotten her riled up. 

 "I'm not saying you have to love me-"

 "I do." 

 She smiles at him, a warmth reaching her eyes that had only minutes ago looked dead. How could he not love her when she knew him better than anyone else?

 "Yeah?" She asks, and he nods.

 "You're just scared to say it out loud?" 

 He nods, again.

 "Well then you should've just told me that, doofus!" 

 He pushes him back, and he lets himself have a laugh for the first time since he'd called them off, since he'd decided that he wasn't someone who deserved April.

 She places both her hands in his face. 

 "I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I know you think you're unlovable, Jackson, because you think he couldn't love you but that's not true. I love you. I love you so much. I-" 

 She was the ultimate risk. The blind jumping into a bottomless pit. But God, was she worth all the damage it could do. 

 "Love you. I love you." 

 She kisses him then, and he can almost feel the older man next to him rolling his eyes at their public display of affection. She pulls back, studies him, and kisses him once more. 

 "You are not him." 

 He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't deny it either. 

 April brings an arm to his shoulder and lightly pulls his body towards her. She brings her mouth towards his ear, and gently bites on the lobe. 

 "Want to skip today?" She murmurs, and like the 20 year old, hormonal boy he is, he can feel himself embarrassingly react to just her words, "Maybe, some makeup sex? I hear it's really good." 

 He smirks, and surreptitiously puts his hand under her dress, snapping the elastic of her underwear. 

 "Well, let's go find out." 

Everywhere I’m looking now, 

I’m surrounded by your embrace, 

Baby I can see your halo, 

You know you’re my saving grace,

You’re everything I need and more

It’s written all over your face

Baby, can feel your halo

Pray it won’t fade away

“Mom, remember that Samuel tends to walk around a lot, so keep an eye on him even if you put him in the play pen, and Harriet will fuss for April at bedtime so just play that recording I sent to your phone, and she’ll calm down.”

Jackson tells his mother, as he walks paces the hallway outside of the now very familiar waiting room, although he comes here less often over the years and it looks very different than it did when he first came here. He listens to his mother rattle on about how she’s perfectly aware and capable of handling her own grandchildren, and that he should stop worrying about this, and worry about something that actually required his attention, like his marriage. It was, after all, the reason why he was back here, after almost 5 years.

He cuts the line, after telling her to stay out of his business, and goes back inside to rejoin his wife. He walks up to her, and sees her attempting to sit down on the chair, with an 8 month pregnant belly, which he knew now, after 2 other babies, was no easy feat.

“Hey, hey, let me help.”

She stares daggers at him, but nonetheless takes his hand, and lets him sit her down. She doesn’t thank him these days. She’s not very amicable towards him at all these days, and honestly, he doesn’t blame her. He’s been a little impossible to like as of lately.

“How’s the baby?” He asks, placing a hand on her belly.

“Kicking on my bladder, doing cartwheels around my belly and craving raisin pudding. I hate raisin pudding. Basically, making my life as difficult as possible. That’s how I’m sure it’s your child.” She gives him a withering look, as she uncomfortably adjusts herself on the chair.

He shakes his head, used to the jabs she takes at him nowadays, “Is that why you’re sure? Not because you recall that vacation in Cancun when you wanted me so bad, you refused to let me get up and go get a condom?”

She widens her eyes, and as she used to do even back then, when he’d said or done something inappropriate in this waiting room, quickly scans the crowd to see if they’re listening. Once she realizes they aren’t, she turns back to him.

“I’m not in the mood to joke with you, Jackson. If you’re feeling particularly talkative today, please feel free to instead talk to our therapist about-”

“There is nothing to talk about, April. God, we’re just wasting our time here.”

She scoffs at him, “It’s nice to see that you think saving our marriage is a waste of your time.”

“That’s not fair! You know that’s not what I-”

“Doctors Avery, if you could maybe try to resolve your issues in my office and not the waiting room, that would be great. I can assure you I’m more qualified of an audience than Lilly over here.”

Rashida, their counselor, points to the 5 year old little girl who sees enamored by their hushed argument.

April flushes a bright red, and gets up with his help, to follow Rashida into her office. They sit down, and the tension settles back in.

“Alright, did we do our homework for this week?” Rashida asks, staring earnestly at them.

“Yes.” April nods, albeit too enthusiastically, and he smirks at how his genius of a wife never stopped being the cute nerd who taught him the word ‘approximately’.

“Okay, then, April would you like to tell me what you’ve written down. Now remember Jackson, this is a list of all the things you did that affected April negatively. I don’t want you interrupting until she’s done.” He warns her, because he had a tendency to be quite defensive.

“Okay, so he’s been more and more distant lately-”

“Oh come on!” He groans, and immediately looks bashful since it had only been a second since he’d been told not to interrupt and he was already doing it, “Sorry.”

“So he’s been distant. He keeps trying to distract me with sex, and honestly, I’m over that. And last week, he yelled at me because I asked him if he wanted my help giving Harriet a bath. It’s like he thinks I’m questioning him as a parent, and-”

He sighs, as April lists off all his recent failures as a husband. He hates that she feels so disappointed. It was not at all his intention, to ever hurt her or make her feel like they’re marriage wasn’t strong enough. When they’ve gotten married, he’d made her promise him that divorce would never be an option for them. So last month when she’d given him the ‘therapy or else’ ultimatum, he knew she didn’t mean a divorce, but that the word would become an option for her.  

“I just want him to open up to me. I just want him to stop telling me nothing is wrong-”

“Nothing is wrong, April. I am fine, I keep telling you this, but you’re not listening to me. You’re reading into nothing.” He groans, running a hand over his face.

“That’s not true. I’ve known you since I was 7 years old, Jackson! I’ve been your best friend for almost 28 years, we’ve been married for over 10 years. I know you! I know when you’re upset.” She insists.

“April, I love you. I love our kids. My life revolves around the three of you. I live for the three of you. Is that not enough?”

“Of course I know you love me, Jackson, that’s not the problem. I love you too, so much. I just don’t think my husband should go through something that is making him into someone I don’t recognize because of it.”

“Did you know Dr.Jones was my father?”

They break their gazes away from each other to look at Rashida.

“Really?”April asks, sounding pleasantly surprised.

“Small world.” He comments.

Rashida smiles warmly, “Did you know you were his favorite patients? He used to talk about the two of you at home. Of course, he never said any names, but after reading your files, I figured out it out. He thought it was crazy romantic that you two met here, at seven, and ended up dating. He loved that you two asked him to come to your wedding. It’s sad he passed away before it happened.”

“It broke our hearts.” April admitted, and he did remember how sad she was that he couldn’t be there. They hadn’t even been able to make it to the funeral.

“Did you know that you two talked about each other at every single one of your sessions?” She asks, and they both nod, knowingly but surprised that the other also did the same, “It’s sweet. Aprils talked about how she finally found someone that seemed to truly like her, and Jackson talked about how he’d found someone he could maybe picture himself having a family with. You found healing, not only within yourselves, but also within each other. I just… urge you not to forget about your incredible history. Remember this when you’re confused about Jackson’s feelings or when April seems to read into yours a little too much, just don’t forget-”

“I found my dad.”

The silence that set in the room was so loud, Jackson wished someone would say something. April looked so shocked, her mouth slightly open and her eyes wide. She gasps, as she brings a hand up to her mouth.

“You….uh…. dad… um, what?” She stutters, eyes rapidly blinking, trying to decipher this information.

“I found him. I hired this guy to look into him, and he finally found him. He lives in Montana. He owns a bar and he sells chicory coffee on Etsy. It’s really fucking weird.”

“Oh, honey.”

April scoots closer to him, taking hold of his hand, and hugging it to her chest.

“Why didn’t you tell me this? Gosh, Jackson, I can’t believe you dealt with all that by yourself.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t want to worry you. I know how you get with my dad, April. You feel bad, and you think talking to him is going to solve it, and I don’t know what I even want to do with this information. I’m torn between wanting to talk to him, and punching his lights out, or both,” He admits, and then looks sheepishly at April. He knew she didn’t like any kind of violent talk, “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’d like to punch him myself, to be honest.” She says, and he smiles at her.

“Look, Jackson, it’s definitely up to you, but from what I read in your files, you always talk about closure. Maybe this is the closure you’ve always wanted.” Rashida says, and he shrugs. He’s torn between that and never wanting to see him again.

“I just want you to tell me when you’re going through something this big. I’m your wife, Jackson. You don’t have to deal with this alone.” April tells him, running a hand through his hair, “I will come with you, if you decide to go. I will be there for whatever you need. I am your wife. I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.”

If Jackson was to look at his life through a series of snapshots, the one person who would always be there was April. When his father had left, all those years ago, there had been a hole in his life, he’d never thought he could fill, but as fate would have it, he met April. April his friend, April his best friend, April his girlfriend, and April his wife. They’d all filled up that gaping hole, bit by bit, piece by piece until there were only faint scars of what had happened.

“Thank you.” He says, as he leans forward and kisses her.

If there was a thing as a guardian angel, well he’d found his at seven, and he had held on for dear life.

Baby, I can feel your halo, 

Pray it won’t fade away. 

THANK YOU FOR READING! 

I’m not too happy with this one, so sorry if it wasn’t all that good <3

[cosmosogler]

aaaa my hands get all sweaty when i hold a game controller. also i should really probably be wearing my glasses.

today i had such a nasty, tiring dream that i slept in! i got up at 9:25. so i slept in less than yesterday... 

my dream was disorienting... i feel like it should have taken place in college, but it looked more like everyone was high school aged, and acted that way too. the topic kept changing, even though i stayed in more or less the same area for the whole dream. it was, like, a marketplace, with a farmer’s market, but also there were a lot of drab gray buildings with paper stuffed into every available space on every window. the road was dirt. everyone was playing some sort of game that i didn’t understand. also i was trying to shop, but i didn’t like anything i saw in any of the stores. and when i thought i had gotten to a store with what i was looking for (i don’t know what i was actually looking for, but i had a feeling it was in there!!!) i saw a bunch of burly, sweaty dudes with no faces. so i backed out haha. then the game changed? people were... trying to get behind each other? i think the technique was different for everyone. but they were trying to suck each others’ souls out and that was how they won for the round. i think... the participants were supposed to get better, at some point... but i wasn’t playing, just watching and trying to figure out the rules. eventually i wandered out into the playing field and started talking to some of the participants. they were friendly enough, but i kind of got the feeling they didn’t want me there. eventually the girl from the shining came out of the crowd, grabbed me by the shoulders, spun me around, and sucked out my soul!!! it hurt a lot, indescribably. like... if your soul could get sucked out, that’s definitely what it would feel like!

i tried to scream but i couldn’t move at all. eventually i tried so hard that i woke up screaming. but i was in a weird unfamiliar place and my face was being shoved into the pillow. then my alarm went off and i woke up for real all sweaty and tired. cool!!!!!!!!!!!

so after that wonderful start to my day, i pet eve for a little bit, and then i got up and got ready for the day and stuff. i tried making some tea that i found in the cabinet... it wasn’t very good. i found the rest of the video games in the pile of stuff dad brought in from the garage last night. and i watched two episodes of cry plays: soma. it’s a really good game, but i wouldn’t be very good at it. horror games aren’t really under my “favorite genres” umbrella. instead of getting scared i get frustrated that i might have to replay a large portion of the game since traditionally save/heal points are pretty few and far between. it took me FOREVER to get through metroid prime because i would hover around the checkpoint nervously before continuing haha. half life was kind of a slog that way too, even though i really liked both those series.

then i went and picked up asher. i almost got hit when i was trying to get on the freeway... it’s always crowded at that particular exit and trying to actually get on the freeway is kind of dangerous. and nobody was using their turn signals today! and getting into the lane i was trying to get into while in my blind spot and also not using turn signals!!! and then i could tell the guy i accidentally cut off was SUPER mad because he started going like 90 miles an hour while everyone else was going 50 and cut in front of me and then swept over to the far lane. ok, buddy. like... yeah, ok, i could have probably spent more time figuring out if he was changing lanes right next to me or not. but when you use your turn signal you gotta hop over pretty quick or else people around you stop making room. i think since phoenix is so big, everyone feels like they have to drive 8-15 mph over the speed limit to get where they’re going in a reasonable amount of time. and also they don’t make room for you in the next lane over unless you turn on your turn signal, wait exactly 1 second, and then butt in. that’s literally the only way to get on the freeway some exits.

i avoid the exit lanes when i’m on the freeway unless i’m getting off at the next exit. honestly i’m shocked that i haven’t been in a crash yet.

anyway, i brought asher over to my house and we hung out in the living room exclusively. i guess that was ok, since the house is a total mess with half-unpacked boxes everywhere. i ripped my room apart today looking for the super nintendo. didn’t find it. mom found it later though in a box grouped with a bunch of my sister’s boxes. it was the only box i never checked because i thought we had already looked through it when we were searching for the wii u. 

asher made me curse while i was in the car. he said something, and i repeated the sentence back to him in a “you’re not...” sort of way, and i didn’t realize i had said it until my mouth made a really unfamiliar shape haha. it wasn’t his fault, but i was kind of annoyed with myself for not paying attention to my words.

while asher and i were lounging around catching up on steven universe, my brother pointed out that doge had pooped on the floor in front of the back door. we didn’t notice... i felt stupid. my brother went and got dad, and then... he picked up diogi, shoved her nose in it, and then literally threw her outside. then he went outside and we didn’t hear anything for a really long time. my brother, asher, eve, wiley, and i kind of stared at each other awkwardly for a while. 

like... hitting a dog is never ok. but i could understand being frustrated with maybe wiley, because he’s a young adult and should know better by now, and also he would theoretically have better control over his bodily functions. and he does go in the house, and it is frustrating. but doogles is hella old, and also disabled. she cannot walk for very long. she can hustle, but sometimes she falls down. i can’t imagine she can hold it for very long. she usually goes right after dinner... i don’t know why my brother didn’t let her outside after he fed them? and then, like, got mad at me when it happened? 

i just need a break from dad for a while. i don’t understand why diogi likes him so much. he calls her a retard and hits her sometimes and doesn’t really brush her or anything. i think he exudes such a powerful “dad” aura that the dogs just defer to him. i mean, that’s how packs work, isn’t it? maybe doge thinks she owes her life to him since he took her from lonnie, who abused her more regularly.

dad interrupted our steven universe marathon but i don’t remember what he said. but, like, the show was actively on, and we were clearly watching it, and he felt the need to insert a conversation (run and participated in by him alone) over the dialogue. i’m not sure if asher really caught the ending or not.

anyway... after that asher and i headed out to michaels to get some markers. we talked about the show for a bit during the car ride. then we went to indian food, as is our habit. the usual waiter wasn’t there today, but i saw some new people. maybe it’s because we were there on the weekend instead of on thursday. then we talked about jojo for like two hours. it was great. we revisited a lot of the same topics that we have talked about before, but it’s been like three weeks since i last saw asher, so i didn’t really mind. 

however my sense of direction was super out of whack for the whole drive, i could not figure out where i was or where the stores we were trying to get to were. i think i was stressed about diogi. 

i was also really jittery. it may have been the tea from this morning... asher noticed. he said it might be anxiety. i would agree, but i’ve been like this for a really long time. as in, always. he also suggested adhd but i don’t seem to display any of the other symptoms of that. but you know what causes the restlessness and twitching? anxiety and depression. so maybe it was. i guess i’ve had depression for basically my whole life. my classmates at christian school used to make fun of me for it. the twitching, i mean. 

however i was REALLY uncomfortable today, physically. i couldn’t get my ankles to sit right and i kept moving my legs while we were trying to watch tv. the jerking really only stops when i am actively exercising. even right afterward i’m right back to twitching and squirming. 

nobody these days acknowledges it (except my group therapist; she points it out when she thinks i am more anxious than usual, but really i just do it constantly until someone notices and then i have to consciously stop). but i know they see it. it’s really hard to keep my eyes on something static for more than a few seconds... like a book or screen. 

when i was filling out paperwork for the sleep study the doctors decided it was restless legs syndrome. but it’s every single muscle in my body ha... it feels like static is building up every time i don’t move and i have to MOVE or else it gets unbearable. i usually just wrinkle my nose, or jitter my knees, or tap or bump something with my palm just above the wrist. 

anyway, it was worse than usual today, and it sucked, and was really annoying. 

when i got home i booted up undertale and got through the mettaton fight, and also burned down undyne’s house. so i just gotta befriend alphys and that should complete everything i need for the pacifist run.

so now it’s 12:30. i’ve been writing for about 50 minutes... i got distracted trying to describe my problem to google. every word i use points back to anxiety... 

but i fidget even on days when i’m not that stressed? i don’t get it. 

tomorrow i find out if i am still going to have therapy at the hospital or not. i haven’t told anyone yet... i figured i would bring it up if it became relevant. like, if i wasn’t able to go any more. if i am allowed to continue, then there isn’t really a point in reporting it. i’m still stressed about it though...

i shall do my pokemons, and check some monday stuff, and then try to sleep. sure hope i don’t die horribly again in my dreams tonight!

[pansexual-link-larkin]

The V Team (A B Team Fic)

just a little something I whipped up for @livbelcik​ for the @webseriesfemslashexchange​.

It’s a little all over the place but just take it at face value and enjoy the kiddos

Viola and Sebastian Messing had always been really good at first days at school. Sebastian was naturally super social, and then Vi would hang out with him and his friends and find her own people that way.

First day at Elysium High was not like this. Sebastian didn’t really seem to hit it off with many people, so he stuck to his best friend since birth, his sister. They did literally everything at school together for a week. And then they were at each other’s throats. They needed friends.

“Hey, anyone in here?” Sebastian called into an empty art room during lunch. Surprisingly enough, a cabinet door popped open, revealing a curled up figure, a mop of hair illuminated only by the light from a Nintendo DS.

“Hi, is it okay if I hang here for a bit? I thought I’d give my sister a chance to breathe.”

“yeah, sure, are you new?” “you bet. Name’s Sebastian Messing.” “Oh great hi! I’m Omar. Omar Tree.”

 It wasn’t until Sebastian disappeared that Viola noticed her. Tall, tan, toned, just like the girls back in California. Viola hated cliché descriptors of women but her legs really did shoot from her shorts. V could tell an athlete from a mile off, and this was definitely one. The girl was pinning a flyer to the bulletin board. After waiting an appropriate amount of time for her to leave, Viola went up to read it.

 “Elysium’s Soccer Team needs you!”

 Huh. Soccer. Vi had never really considered it. It might be fun. This was, after all, a soccer school. It would be nice to be on a noteworthy team for once. But then Viola’s eye caught the boy’s football tryout flyer and there’s no way she could resist that! She made a note to tell Seb that they were later that day.

Viola found herself at the same bulletin board the next day. Staring at another flyer. One with a list of names: Oren, Drew, Corey, Vic, Ben, Aaron, etc... Ah, there it is. Sebastian Messing. And no Viola.

 She looked over at the girls’ soccer flyer.

 “Elysium’s Soccer Team needs you! Our 3-time State champs are looking for enthusiastic girls ready to conquer the championships!”

Enthusiastic? Viola thought, kinda.

Ready to conquer? Kinda.

Girl? Kinda.

Kinda was enough.

 It had been years since Viola tried out for a girls’ team and honestly, she was a little intimidated. She was wearing one of her brother’s old practice jerseys and felt wildly out of place surrounded by Soffees and crop tops.

Jeez, Viola thought, apparently, I’m too girly for the boys’ team but lord knows I don’t fit in here.

She was a football player, sure, but she was a kicker. So surely those skills had to transfer somehow. Varsity should be a cakewalk.

 “Alright ladies,” the tall girl said, whistled and clipboarded, “It’s great to see such a turnout. I’m Jennifer Lestrade, and I’ll be your captain this year. We’ve got two teams, varsity and B Team. I will be captaining both, because I’m good at prioritizing and time management. Remember, no matter how you do, you are an athlete because you are here. I know you’re all hoping for Varsity but there is no such thing as a bad team. Now let’s see whatcha got!”

The drills were, in a word, torturous. Viola knew how to kick a still ball far and high. A moving ball slalomed through cones? Not her specialty. But her years in scrimmages with her special team special boy brother gave her at least decent defense skills.

And it wasn’t like she was the worst one there. Other girls were struggling too, to the point where the cheerleaders practicing on the track stopped to watch and laugh. Lestrade reminded them to ignore the laughs and focus, but still, the giggles persisted. After the relief of the final whistle, a fit cheerleader with her hair in space buns jogged over and V could hear her confront Lestrade:

“So, you need a manager, right?”

“No thank you, I’m perfectly capable by myse—“

“yeah, you need a manager. I’ll do it.”

“...okay?”

“Name’s Lin. Lin Thropupland. Next game’s what, Saturday?”

“Yeah, but”

“I’ll see you then. I’ll bring orange slices.”

Another day, another flyer. Finally, one bearing good news: the results from tryouts. After she nearly twisted her ankle dribbling, Viola had lowered her standards and wasn’t expecting to make a team at all. But there she was, on the B Team, along with:

 Jennifer Lestrade – Forward (not a surprise)

Anne Shirley – Striker (V wanted this position but she saw Anne and when she tried she could score with a brick wall in front of the goal)

Beatrice Duke – Vice-Captain and Head Midfielder (Bea kept joking about how she didn’t want to be on Varsity so it could be the “Bea Team”)

Mary Lennox – Midfielder (big surprise. Seemed like she knew most of the varsity players and played just as well as them.)

Viola Messing – Midfielder (V reminded herself to google what a midfielder does other than stand in the middle of the field)

Violet Hunter – Midfielder (made a joke about making a band with Viola called Viola and the Violettes)

Erica Slender – Defender (referred to herself with both she and they pronouns, making V very happy!!)

Charley Condomine – Defender (Apparently tried out because her therapist told her to get a hobby. Protective of the goal but not very good at protecting it.)

Nimmie Tree – Defender (kept yelling at the ball but it seemed to work. Very good at throw ins. Did not like seeing Lin become manager)

Serena Berg  - Defender (seemed to know where everyone should be. V reminded herself to ask her for advice)

Zoe Lasnammer – Goalie (kept talking about like five other projects during tryouts. How does she have the time?)

Well, that was her team. It was going to be one crazy spring.

Sebastian got along great with the boys on the football team. They started calling him Seahorse because his name has “sea” in it and he is fast. Like a horse. Not the best, but a nickname is a nickname. Still, all that broness gets exhausting and that’s what Omar was best at. Omar started showing up to school in eyeliner and eventually Sebastian tried it as well. It wasn’t long until Oren, the football captain, smudged a black coal line along his lash line and melted the hearts of half the cheerleading squad.

The B Team was totally bonded halfway first the first practice thanks to the almost clinical teambuilding activities of Jennifer Lestrade. In the locker room, Viola asked Violet about her.

 “So the captain is she...?”

“who? Lezzzz-strade?”

“yeah, is she straight or what?”

“if anyone knew practice would be a lot less confusing. I personally think she’s straight but Bea swears up and down she’s got some Sapphic blood. I think it’s just wishful thinking.”

“I don’t know Violet, I think I have to agree with Bea.”

“...how much do you agree with her?”

“what do you mean?”

“do you ten bucks agree with her?”

“heck yes.”

“Ill add you to the list.”

*****One average season later******

The final game of the season wasn’t a big deal to the school but it was to the B team. And to the cheerleaders, there to support their former squad member on the sidelines just as much as the team. And the football team, who Sebastian took to one practice and could barely keep up with the girls. It was the same day as the team banquet so the day was doubly special.

Right after school let out Oren, Sebastian and the rest of the boys interrupted warm ups to show they had painted “GO B TEAM!” on their shirts. Omar was the exclamation point. They hung around and helped with some of the drills.

They won the game 1-0, but Zoe was given quite the workout with a bunch of close calls. They celebrated way too over the top, with Lin and a cheerleader spontaneously kissing at on the sidelines. Fists were bumped and pumped, squees were squeed, hugs were hugged.

At the banquet, Viola was so impressed by how well her teammates cleaned up. She brought Sebastian, both of them wearing suits, his colorful and casual, hers classic with an undone bow tie around her neck.

Jennifer was dressed a sleek black jumpsuit and her usual high ponytail of curls was freed and let loose, falling onto her shoulders. She arrived on the arm of a cheerleader. And petty criminal, if the rumors were to be believed.

“Vi, Violet, this is my datemate Wiggins. Wiggins, this is Viola and and I think you know Violet.”

“Yeah, we’ve hung out.” They upnodded at Viola and escorted Lestrade to the captain’s table.

Violet grinned. “So...do I pay you or...?”

“Let’s just call it a draw.”

“Sounds good.”

The banquet was the highlight of Viola’s whole year. She for once had found a team that doubled as her best friends, and her brother could get all the football attention instead of having to share it with her.

“Yooooo Seahorse!” Sebastian turned to see Running Back Ben of all people sitting next to Bea. 

Viola raised an eyebrow. “Sebastian what have you been up to?”

“Vee, once I shenan, I must shenan-again.” Viola groaned at the joke and playfully punched him.

She looked around at Zoe and Lin planning some event together, at Anne and Mary making moony eyes at each other, Erica and Charley debating the ethics of séances, Serena and Nimmie just plain debating...

Yeah, this was her team.

[sage-nebula]

Completionist, Rotom, and Legend!

Completionist: How many times have you completed the Pokédex?

Once, and I’ve borne a grudge ever since that I’ve only just (mostly) gotten over. Settle in and buckle up, because it’s story time.

So, back in the days of my youth, there were only 151 known pokémon. 151, because if you (general “you,” not you in specific) are a genwunner who forgets about Mew simply because all of the marketing back in ye olden days used to talk about “150 pokémon *winkwink*”, then I will whap you on the head with a rolled up newspaper and not even feel sorry about it. There were 151 known pokémon back then, and although my primary interest was in battling, I still decided to go ahead and complete the Pokédex just to prove to everyone that I really was the best Pokémon Master the world had ever seen. (Note: Due to how young I was, my world was mostly comprised of my elementary school. Nonetheless.) 

As it so happens, I did complete the Pokédex. Using a combination of all three of the released games at the time (Red, Blue, and Yellow in America), a Game Link cable, and both my and my brother’s Game Boy Pockets, I managed to capture and record every single pokémon. I also, due to being young and not having the scruples that I have now, used a Game Shark to capture Mew and teach my pikachu Surf. I was young, okay. I was young and extremely salty at the fact that the only ways to legally obtain Mew were through Nintendo events that took place during school hours in California and New York. And I asked my dad if he would let me skip school and also drive me to California so that I could get Mew, and he laughed at me. Game Shark (or the Mew glitch) was the only option. I don’t approve of such practices now, but eight-year-old me was a lot more desperate.

That is not the point. The point is, I completed the Pokédex, and I proudly took it to the Game Freak headquarters programmed into the game. I knew that you got a prize for completing it. I thought the prize was going to be Togepi, or that mysterious bird that Ash saw at the beginning of the anime (we in America did not yet know that this bird’s name was Ho-Oh). I thought it might even be another Mew, or else perhaps the keys to the truck. I didn’t know what it was, specifically, but I was super excited to find out after all my hard work.

And do you know what it was? Do you? Well, if not, I’ll tell you:

It was a diploma.

It was a little in-game certificate, the equivalent to a gold star or smiley face sticker saying, “Good job!” You could print it out using the Game Boy Printer. I want to say you could also take it to one of the kiosks stationed in local Blockbusters, but at the same time I’m also 99% positive those were only for printing out photos that you took in Pokémon Snap. Like, they were specifically Pokémon Snap kiosks. Either way, I had a certificate in my Red (or Blue, but I’m pretty sure it was Red Version because my Blue ended up corrupted beyond repair thanks to MissingNO/M’) for completing my Pokédex. A certificate. A diploma. A little worthless piece of paper after the months of labor I put into into those games. I was furious. I was an eight (or nine, perhaps, by this point) year old vessel of barely contained rage. All of that, for nothing. Where was my real reward, huh? Where was the awe, the admiration? Where the goddamn fuck was my Togepi?! (This was especially a sticking point, because despite all the rumors none of us had managed to find a way into the Grandfather Canyon. Of course, this is because the Grandfather Canyon was an anime-exclusive location, but we tried to get to it in our games anyway. Oh, did we try.)

That set a grudge that lasted about twenty years. On that day, with my hands squeezing my red Game Boy Pocket so hard I nearly broke it, I vowed that I would never, not ever complete the Pokédex again until the series actually ended. Never again, I said. Never. Again. And so far, I have kept that promise.

… though that said, I have been planning to half-heartedly try this gen, if only because I have a friend willing to complete it with me, and I think that would be fun. But that said, it’s going to be less fun since the ‘dex is now mostly contained in the Bank. It’s like Game Freak is laughing at me, honestly. They are doing this on purpose. Well, we’ll see who has the last laugh, Game Freak. We’ll see. We’ll see!!

(… It’ll be them. They have my dream job and I’ll never get it. I felt truly envious of one of the NPCs in Sun Version when she talked about how she got to work on the games she grew up playing as a child. I felt actual envy toward an NPC. This is probably something I should take up with my therapist.)

Rotom: What is your favourite region in Pokémon?  

JOHTO! ♥ Johto is my home. Even though the Kanto games were the ones I started with, for some reason Johto is the one that makes me feel like I’m coming home every single time I pick up one of the Johto games, or when I hear the music, or when I see pictures or art of it. It’s also constantly overshadowed by Kanto, but there’s nothing that can be done about that, unfortunately. I don’t know, there’s just something truly beautiful about Johto, though. I love all of the legends and history, I love how it has bits of industrialization here and there but is still very connected to nature and the beliefs of the people, and the connections to pokémon without going overboard about it. Johto is just a truly beautiful region, and it’s my region. I’ve loved none like it before or since.

Legend: Your favourite legendary/mythical Pokémon?

My favorite legendary pokémon is Lugia (and I’m actually wearing a Lugia shirt as I type this—the 151 design Lugia shirt, in fact), and while I can’t say the specific reason because that would give away information about myself that I’m not willing to share, Lugia is my favorite because I have a certain connection with it. There’s something that Lugia and I share that makes me feel like Lugia is my legendary, on top of the fact that its movie is one of my favorites and it has a beautiful song (that, as it happens, I can clumsily play on the ocarina). I do wish that Lugia had more sensible typing (it’s the guardian of the sea and looks like a massive sea dragon, and yet its typing is psychic/flying, I just ???), but there’s not much that can be done about that and I adore Lugia anyway. Always have.

As for my favorite mythical pokémon, that’s a tie between Mew and Victini. As far as Mew goes, I’ve always felt that there’s been something especially mysterious about it. Yes, I do like the fact that Mew can learn literally any move, and I do think it’s cute and all that, and of course I had so few scruples as a child that I was willing to use legendaries in my main party and so I did use one in the Gen I games—but more than that, I’ve just always felt that although all legendary and mythical pokémon have an air of mystery to them, there’s been something particularly mysterious and magical about Mew, the pokémon who even back then was said to be so rare that most people felt that it was only a mirage. To this day Mew holds a place in my heart, and probably always will. After all, not every pokémon can say they were responsible for frenzied mobs gathering around abandoned trucks.

As far as Victini goes, it’s just adorable. I’ve always had this image of Victini in my mind just giving a completely blank stare before spontaneously breaking out in a toothy grin and V for Victory hand sign. It’s silly and foolish and prone to shenanigans, but that’s why I adore it! It also has a fantastic typing of fire/psychic, so I mean, there’s very little not to love. ♥ Victini is great.