#my skills developed and writing stayed easy. when i applied my skills to something specific it was difficult.

[humdrummoloch]

How do I put what's in my head onto the page? Is it always hard?

Hello!

If you're asking me how to make the writing live up to the fantasy, just remember: writing isn't a transcription service, it's an art form.

Writing isn't thinking, but between you and me, thinking isn't that great anyways. It's like singing in the shower. Thinking needs to be translated through a skill like writing before it'll make a good scene.

Creation is choices and actions, not recreation. Let me give you an example: I crocheted my dog recently, and I didn't aim to perfectly recreate my dog in tiny crochet form. Instead, while I crocheted, I converted her into a small character with plushie proportions. She had all her recognisable features and was a pretty good crochet dog, checked all the boxes, Dad was happy. But the little crochet dog didn't look exactly how the subject did, sat there wagging on the rug. That's because I wasn't trying to copy her. I was trying to crochet her. In the same way, I don't transcribe my daydreams, I convert them into writing form, and that's 90% less frustrating and 100% more possible.

As for whether writing remains hard forever, yes and no. Writing becomes easier with practice the same way anything does, but it gets harder as you naturally challenge yourself to write better, like a bodybuilder increasing the weights. But if you stop expecting writing to come out 'correctly' and instead lose yourself in the process, you won't feel the dead ends, you'll be too busy finding solutions and thinking on your feet -- you'll be in the zone.

I just wish I knew how to do that on command!

-HM

[wonda-cat]

You mentioned rewriting that one analysis post on Tommy’s revival stream and I’d really look forward to it! I never got to read the full og post and that’s the only place I saw these takes. Especially the one about the afterlife being too depressing. It’s not even just about Tommy, the implication that even if every character is safe and happy by the end, this is their inevitable fate is messed up. It’s not “a neat subversion” it’s just depressing and doesn’t add anything.

Hey, anon!

I sorta decided to not rewrite it? I feel a bit differently about the essay in the end, although I still believe in most of my points. I’m also just not nearly as passionate about it as I was when I wrote it (I finished it in a single sitting, which was... interesting.) However, yes, the afterlife stuff still bothers me just the same, as well as the odd changes to Wilbur’s characterization... post mortem.

But—just for you, anon—here’s the entire meta-analysis essay anyway, with some minor edits to the stuff I don’t agree with anymore!

My Many Narrative Issues with Tommyinnit’s Revival Stream

I want to preface this by saying that I dearly love the Dream SMP and understand it isn’t exactly comparable to other mediums like TV and film. With this being the case, most criticism against it is generally in bad faith or strange in foundation. Complaining about streamers for bad acting is the best example that comes to mind. 

These aren’t professional actors. Most have never acted in this sort of setting, or even at all. Quite a few have admitted to never roleplaying before. Which is why it’s warranted to praise Tommy, Dream, Wilbur, Ranboo, and others when they deliver stellar performances. The same applies to criticism of music choice, dialogue delivery, focus, tone, etc. 

However, one such category I cannot overlook is in regards to its writing. The writing of a story is its entire foundation. It encompasses many things—conflict choice, character development, themes, and morals. The author creates the blueprints for the architect, who then expresses the story with light, sound, color, pacing, and music. It is in its execution that we see if this connection is made or broken. 

The reason I find poor writing mostly inexcusable is because it is one of the most available skills to practice and perfect. I don’t mean to say that it’s easy, I mean to say it is something anyone can attempt to cultivate. Whether they do it well or not depends on their methods and experience. If anyone can self-publish a novel and be criticized online for its quality—and even compared to the works of Mark Twain—then I find critiquing the writing of the Dream SMP to be perfectly reasonable. 

However, since the Dream SMP script is a set of loose bullet points, tearing apart dialogue and scene continuity—which is nearly all improv—is rather useless. It doesn’t exactly have a clear focus as the plot plays out. The characters talk in circles until they hit the story beat required, and then they move onto the next. Thus, when criticizing it, one should generally critique grand events and narrative-specific shifts, more so than small-scale character interactions. 

Which brings me to my main point: The broad narrative choices taken in Tommyinnit’s most recent livestream, ‘Am I dead?’ may lead to disastrous writing pitfalls in the future. 

I’ll be outlining each of my issues below, in hopes of creating a better understanding as to why I feel this way. 

This might become quite lengthy, so please bear with me for a bit.

Tommy’s relationship to Wilbur has flipped. This change is jarring and seems out of character.

Tommy and Wilbur’s friendship is rather complicated. While Wilbur does care for Tommy immensely, especially during the L’Manburg Revolution and the Election Arc, his mental spiral during exile put a massive strain on their relationship as a whole. Wilbur brushed off Tommy’s feelings and wants, while clinging to him and pushing everyone else away. He was simultaneously distant and suffocating. 

Tommy, on the other hand, has an unclear view of his mentor. Since the beginning, and even long after Wilbur’s death, Tommy held him in especially high regard. He saw him as a brother-figure and a wise leader. He followed what he said and did everything he could to impress him. Yet, Wilbur still hurt him while the two were together in exile. 

When speaking of him, Tommy tends to flip infrequently between remembering Wilbur the way he was before his mental decline and thinking of him as a monster. Both of these images conflict with each other, but they weren’t nearly as extreme as what Tommy described Wilbur as when he was revived from death. The fear Tommy displays to Wilbur is beyond intense—it feels as if the audience may have missed a month’s worth of character development. 

This can make sense, especially since it was stated that he’d spent what felt like two months in the void. However, this shift is still deeply at odds with Tommy’s previous impressions of Wilbur, which is both disheartening and confusing. The fact that Tommy would agree to stay with Dream—his abuser and murderer—over his past mentor is simply head-reeling. It paints a very different picture of Wilbur’s character, somewhat conforming to the fandom’s ableist impression of him—the idea that Wilbur is insane and irredeemable, and always will be. 

It also ignores Dream being the driving factor in Wilbur’s downfall, as well as the double-bind deal with Dream which required him to push the button, no matter the outcome. Others have pointed out that Tommy may be lying to get Dream to bring Wilbur back, and there’s compelling evidence for that. For one, Tommy and Wilbur’s conversation seemed uncomfortable, but it was certainly nothing like Tommy implied. (Unless this fear comes from something Wilbur said off-screen.) 

Tommy also begged Dream to not bring him back multiple times over, which he should know would make Dream even more tempted to, simply because he likes seeing Tommy in pain. Tommy is also a known unreliable narrator. He may be making Wilbur out to be worse than he is by accident (even still, I’d argue this is a bit of a stretch.) 

However, there are some issues with this theory. Tommy offered himself as payment to Dream if he chose to let Wilbur rest. This is a deal Tommy knows Dream is extremely unlikely to refuse. Tommy is what Dream has coveted all this time. If Tommy genuinely wanted Wilbur back, he would not offer this. This sort of compromise is Tommy’s greatest nightmare—something he would only do in response to his friends being threatened or his home being destroyed. 

To add, Tommy is not great at lying. Unless he was taught by Wilbur for those two months* in the afterlife, there’s no chance Tommy would be this good at it. Thirdly, Tommy is terrible under pressure. He uses humor to cope. When he can’t, he cries and shouts and spills his heart out. While cornered, Tommy will tell the truth about anything, especially if Dream casually debates killing him again, just for fun. 

For now, it’s too early to tell how the relationship shift will play out. In the grand scheme of things, this issue is rather minor.

Season three’s writing is needlessly bleak. The portrayal of the afterlife is a nightmare. There is no rest, not even in death.

I adore the Dream SMP storyline in its entirety. I believe the first season is fantastic, and while the second season has some narrative clarity issues, I enjoyed it just as much. Although, I would argue season one had a more concrete understanding of its Hope-Conflict balance. 

To briefly explain, the Hope in stories are its ‘highs’ and good moments. These appear when a character the audience is rooting for is narratively rewarded. They happen during character building in the text—it’s the downtime and peace that allows for connection and relatability. It’s a moment for the viewer to breathe easy. 

The other half is Conflict, an obstacle in the story that gets in the way of the main characters’ goals, beliefs, and motives. These are the ‘lows.’ They give the narrative focus and weight. They make the highs feel even higher. They establish consequences and force the characters in the story to change in order to adapt and overcome them. 

I bring up the Hope-Conflict balance because a traditional hero’s journey would have an appropriate amount of both. Their highs and lows are generally equalized, as the name suggests. However, this balance has been awkwardly skewed in the latter half of season two and in the current plot of season three. To clarify, it is perfectly reasonable, and even common, for some stories to tip the scale more to one side. 

But a common mistake for amateur writers is to create their stories as either hopelessly dark to cause the audience continuous distress for the sake of distress, or to keep everything entirely conflict-free for most of the plot. What do these both have in common? They each make the story boring and predictable. 

Season three has taken this concept and thrown a monstrously heavy weight onto the Conflict side and flipped the scale so hard it has crashed through the ceiling. The viewers are hardly given time to find any joy in Tommy’s character, as he’s thrown into yet another abusive situation, just barely after his first narrative reward. The world is painted as relentlessly violent and traumatic. 

Every person Tommy meets is morally grey, unhinged, or out to hurt him. Everything most of the characters love is taken from them by those in positions of power. Ranboo cannot even grieve properly because it scars his face. Puffy, Sam, Ranboo, and Tubbo all blame themselves for what happened to Tommy. 

The audience watches lore stream after lore stream with the same depressing tone (with the exception of Tubbo’s, but I assume that’s unintentional.) Tommy is revived after being brutally beaten to death by his abuser, surrounded by all of his greatest fears. The afterlife is revealed to be akin to inescapable torture. It’s a colorless void that wraps the individual like fabric. 

Time moves thirty times slower within. There’s nothing—nothing but the voices of others who’ve passed on before him. Dying in a world already devoid of happiness takes the characters to a place worse than hell. When a narrative delivers unfair suffering to the entire cast without a moment of joy to speak of, the story will feel simultaneously overwhelming and pointless. 

Why watch characters suffer when there’s no light at the end of the tunnel? What happiness could they strive for when we know they’ll never get to keep it? How can I be satisfied with a good ending, if I know that an afterlife too terrible to name is what awaits them, truly, at the end of their story? Death isn’t even a white void that offers rest—it is eternal torment. 

Obviously, it isn’t a good message to send by making the afterlife seem like a quiet, perfect place or an escape from pain. But making it an unspeakable anguish which awaits, assumedly, every character who will die in the future? I deeply hope Tommy was only being an extremely unreliable narrator. 

More likely, I hope the place Tommy was taken to was a Limbo of sorts, not an end-all-be-all destination for everyone.

The degree of Tommy’s narrative punishment continues to escalate, to an almost absurd degree.

Tommy is one of the most tragic characters to exist in the storyline. He was sent into war at a young age and experienced two traumatic events during it. He was exiled by the newly elected leader and witnessed his mentor Wilbur spiral and break down with paranoia. Tubbo is executed publicly in front of him. When expressing rightful anger at the person who murdered him, he’s beaten nearly to death and never receives an apology. 

Schlatt dies right in front of Tommy, after his initial refusal to hurt the ex-president. His brother-figure and mentor is killed in assisted suicide on the same day his nation is blown up. His best friend exiles him from his home for the second time. He routinely self-sacrifices to protect his country and those who live there. His most treasured possessions were taken from him and he was called selfish for trying to retrieve them (although his methods were self-destructive and volatile.) 

He was pushed to the brink of suicide after being relentlessly abused and isolated in his exile. He was horrified when he thought he was responsible for drowning Fundy. After making an objectively good decision to stand by his old friends and change for the better, his country was obliterated by the man he once idolized, his father-figure, and his abuser. 

He was left scattered and without purpose for many days. Then he fights against Dream and loses, while also reliving his trauma. He watches Tubbo almost die at the hands of someone he once thought was his friend. He doesn’t tell a single person about what happened to him in exile. The day he tries to sever his connection to Dream and heal, he’s trapped with him for a week, surrounded by everything that terrifies him. 

He threatens to kill himself, speaking about his own life as if it were an object—something to hold over Dream’s head. He blames himself for everything bad that’s ever happened to L’Manburg and his friends—internalizing a mentality as a scapegoat for everyone around him. He is forced into the role of ‘hero’ despite the title being unfair and distressing to him.

As if that weren’t enough, he’s then beaten to death by his abuser and spends what feels like two months in an afterlife that is worse than hell. When he returns, his senses are excessively heightened. Dream can cause him excruciating pain, just by pinching him. He can send Tommy into an instant panic attack, just by raising his voice. 

The punishment Tommy’s character receives is a thousand times worse than everyone he has ever met, or ever will meet. And it shows no signs of stopping, as Dream now has control over Tommy’s very mortality. Tommy now fears the slightest damage and feels as if he’s losing his best friend all over again. He is also forced into a position where he has to kill Dream out of necessity, to protect everyone he cares about.

Characters need fitting punishments in relation to their actions. Not always, but in order to be satisfying? Yes, they do. It is preferred that a main character deal with unfair situations and difficult conflicts, but this is borderline torture p*rn. Putting Tommy in these distressing and abusive situations on repeat and punishing him for doing objectively moral or healthy things is exhausting to watch. 

To quickly add, I find the general insinuation of Tommy going to hell distasteful, especially considering the contents of his storyline. I know this may be hard to believe, but Tommy is one of the most moral characters in the plot, besides Puffy and Ghostbur. He’s also the only character, followed by Ranboo, to recognize that they can be wrong and make mistakes. He changed himself in order to heal and be a better person. He was in the process of paying people back for the things he’d stolen. 

He’s learned to be hard-working and less violent through the guidance of Sam. He has apologized to everyone he’s ever hurt (with the exception of Jack Manifold, because that man is allergic to communication.) He puts himself in harm's way to protect others. He doesn’t set out to purposely hurt anyone. He goes out of his way to make connections with people and maintain them, even if others don’t reciprocate. 

He’s hopelessly optimistic, despite his outwardly bitter façade. He loved so much and put meaning into the smallest things. The thought that a person like him—a suicide and abuse survivor—would go to hell after being beaten to death by the man who took everything from him; it makes me sick to my stomach. 

The only thing more morbid than Tommy’s afterlife being different than everyone else’s, is the concept that everyone will end up in this same eternal torture, no matter what they do. Take your pick: Tommy is sentenced to anguish until the end of time for no reason, or everyone will receive the same disturbing ending, regardless of their actions.

The narrative weight of Ranboo’s character is potentially out the window.

For the past few months, I’ve watched all of Ranboo’s lore streams faithfully, curious to see what role he would play in the future. His ‘hallucinations’ of Dream seemed to be sowing the seeds for a plot that has Ranboo taking the fall for every single insidious thing Dream has done. It would also be a tragic parallel to Tommy’s trial. 

Ranboo being convinced he was the one who blew up the community house, when Dream himself admitted to doing it, was one of the bigger indicators for me. This is just one of many other unexplained occurrences. Dream seemed to be making an effort to trigger and control Ranboo, especially after Sapnap’s prison visit. It appeared, from the way he went about this, that Dream had some grand use for Ranboo as part of his plan to be freed from Pandora’s Vault. 

However, after Tommy’s stream, the way Dream explains himself makes it seem like there was no plan besides seeing if the book worked on people. And if he didn’t after all, then what was Ranboo for? Was Ranboo unimportant? Was Ranboo just some weirdo who happened to phase out when seeing smiley faces and imagined conversations that may or may not have happened? 

I bring this up more as a worry, and much less so as an active problem in the narrative. They haven’t actually thrown Ranboo to the way-side or written themselves into a corner yet. In future streams, this could very easily be explained away or developed as more information is revealed. 

Only time will tell.

The potential for Wilbur’s future development and importance to the plot is unfeasible.

I feel as if I am the only person on earth who doesn’t want Wilbur Soot or Schlatt revived. There are many reasons for this, but one of them is not a dislike for these characters. I especially adore Wilbur, as he’s one of my all-time favorites. I don’t want either of them resurrected because their stories have already been told. They each had a fitting conclusion that ended their involvement perfectly. 

Bringing Wilbur back would especially cheapen the impact of the War of the 16th. It’s the end of a man who was brought to the absolute edge and out of desperation, shame, and self-hatred, he destroyed himself alongside his creation. Bringing him back would leave the climax of the previous story hollow. My biggest issue, however, is that a lack of story importance would likely follow his return. 

The only real impact I’d like to see is through a healing arc with Tommy, an apology to Fundy, or a confrontation with Phil/Niki. But that’s really all the potential I can realistically see. While I don’t doubt Wilbur as an agent of chaos, able to create plot out of thin air; what is he going to do now? His country is gone, his friends and family are scattered about, and his mission from the 16th is already accomplished. 

What is a well-educated, charismatic politician supposed to do in a world already broken and without nations? Read poetry to himself and cry evilly? However, this is working off the assumption that Wilbur would be returning as his old self. 

If Wilbur is resurrected as a ‘villain’ of sorts, then what? He’s not good at fighting in the slightest. He would have no materials. There are no real allies he can make, other than the arctic group. On top of that, there are already more than enough villains to last a lifetime. 

We don’t need any more, I promise. Quackity seems to already be shaping up as another antagonist, alongside Sam’s slip into darker and darker shades of moral ambiguity. We also have Philza and Techno, which are already overkill. But then we have Dream who, despite being in a prison, has the ability of selective revival. This is mercilessly overpowered, especially if he makes many allies. The dude could just bring his dead friends back so they can keep fighting forever. 

Then there’s Jack Manifold and the Crimson followers; Antfrost, Bad, and Punz. That’s not even including characters who are refusing to get involved. How are Tommy, Tubbo, and Puffy expected to do literally anything to fight back?

Dream’s experiment on Tommy implies he had no backup plan to begin with. This makes his character seem both short-sighted and foolish.

When Tommy woke up after being brought back to life, Dream sounded surprised that the revival worked at all. This instantly shatters the perception that Dream was highly intelligent and thought ahead. With just a few lines of dialogue, it’s implied that Dream killed Tommy, unsure of if the resurrection would even be possible on humans. 

Which, to risk something that important, seems unbelievably stupid. Dream needs Tommy, from his perspective. Tommy is his ‘toy,’ the one who makes everything fun. If he lost him and couldn’t get him back, what then? Oh well, everything Dream was doing was all for nothing, I guess. 

Why not attempt this experiment on literally anyone else first? Like Sapnap or Bad or, hell, even Ranboo. I suppose it could be that, as soon as Dream got the book, he experimented with it after the 16th. This appears to be insinuated with Friend and Hendry’s revival, although this is uncertain. But even then, he was still unsure of the book’s effect on a human being.

Also, this means, hypothetically, Dream’s entire plan of escape hinged on the experiment working, to begin with, and also on bringing back Wilbur if it somehow did. I find this even more ridiculous. Why Wilbur? That man couldn’t find his way out of a paper bag, let alone get through the traps in Pandora’s Vault. Even if he is intelligent after years* in the afterlife, that’s also a strange assumption. 

How do people learn things in the void? Where do they even get this knowledge? I’d honestly argue Techno is a far more competent choice than Wilbur. And even if Dream did bring him back and tell him he owed him his life, what’s to stop Wilbur from just killing him permanently? Or killing himself, continuously? 

No way would Wilbur want to be controlled by anyone, ever. The dude would sooner fuck off into the mountains and become a nomad than help a neon green bodysuit cosplay as Light Yagami.

Dream’s discussion about Sam implies that he wasn't playing any part in Dream’s plan, making Sam appear entirely incompetent and neglectful of Tommy.

Dream talked about Sam in a way that seems detached and unaffiliated. He also mentioned him being broken up about Tommy’s fate and not being aware he’s still alive. Dream not being partnered with, or not using Sam in his plan leaves many plot holes. I’ll go through each one. The initial incident was an explosion, coming from the roof of Pandora’s Vault. This did not affect the Redstone mechanism for the doors or dispensers. 

Meaning, Sam could’ve had Tommy leave the way that was expected for visitors after he investigated and found no issues. This likely couldn’t have been done in less than a day, but it would be better than an entire week. If Tommy was required to stay for longer, due to protocol, he could’ve gotten Tommy out and then placed him in one of the minor cells for the remainder of the time. 

Also, no one else lost a canon life for leaving via the splash potion of harming and returning outside the maximum-security cell; why would Tommy? To add, Sam being uninvolved means that the explosion could have only been caused by Ranboo or Foolish. That, or it was placed long before and timed for the moment Tommy entered the main cell. (I’m going to ignore how ludicrous it is that someone would know the exact time Tommy would’ve entered the room with Dream.) 

If Ranboo was the person behind the detonation, this implies he was necessary for Dream to kill Tommy to test the book. But that makes it even stranger. If this was Dream’s goal all along, why not kill Tommy the instant he was trapped with him? It makes no sense for him to wait so long. 

Sam is also directly at fault for not letting Tommy out, even after the week was up. There was no reason not to. He already knew there were no issues with the prison at that point. Although, to be fair to Sam, his character may have been paranoid and checking everything more than necessary, just in case. But this still isn’t a good excuse for him ignoring protocol in this one instance, and yet, not in any of the others. 

All of these plot holes or inconsistencies would be removed if it was revealed that Dream was blackmailing Sam in some way, or Sam had been working with him since the get-go. That Sam was the person who set off the explosion in the first place to trap Tommy inside. It would also explain Sam’s refusal to let Tommy out and by keeping him in there for longer than necessary. 

This can also coexist with Sam’s attachment and care for Tommy. He probably wasn’t told about Dream’s plan to test the book and genuinely believed Dream wouldn’t hurt him. On top of that, Dream is known to be a pathological liar, so his statements about Ranboo and Sam could be entire fabrications. 

Who knows?

The Book of Revival invalidates death entirely. The narrative now lacks both tension and consequence.

Another way the Dream SMP differs from other storytelling media is in the way it goes about its character deaths. In a TV show, for example, there will be characters who die just because, or when it’s important to the plot. However, it seems as if the Dream SMP is hesitant to commit to killing its characters. And there are many reasons for that. 

The most important one being, killing someone’s character excludes them from the story and some of their livelihoods depend on them regularly streaming on the server. There is also the issue of the cast becoming extremely sparse if characters keep dying. Typically, in stories, when you kill a character, you should introduce another. 

This keeps the cast from dwindling as the storyline goes on. This means the writers would have to find new streamers to join, who will develop their own characters and relationships with the plot’s continued momentum. This can be stressful and daunting to those who may be newly added in the future. 

Keeping this in mind, the Book of Revival is annoying from a writer’s perspective. When death is no longer an issue for a story hinged on its characters’ mortality, then what do you have as a consequence anymore? We’ve explored every kind under the sun; from abuse, to betrayal, to loss, to destruction. 

In stories, traditionally, death is a finality. It’s a conclusion. Whether it’s good or not depends on the character’s actions, its build-up, and the event’s execution. Without this lingering sense of danger, tension evaporates from the story. 

Why should I care if Tommy loses in a fight to someone, if he’ll just come back a day later? Why should I care about what happened to Wilbur, if he just returns as if nothing happened? The answer is simple: I won’t. I will no longer care if Tubbo or Ranboo or Sam die in the story, because the idea of revival even being a possible outcome leaves me unenthused and uncaring. 

The Dream SMP likes to flirt with death. It teases the demise of its main characters many, many times. More so Tommy’s than anyone else’s. Wilbur’s failed resurrection, which had unforeseen and unfortunate outcomes, is now strange in comparison to Tommy’s, which happened without a hitch. 

To be fair, we actually don’t see how many attempts it took. But here’s the problem; Dream could do it without the book being physically present. He’s trapped in a prison with nothing on him, meaning he doesn’t need any materials either. It’s also implied he could do this as many times as he feels, for anyone he wants. This would be exceedingly overpowered, if not for one thing—Dream himself is mortal (at least, I fucking hope he’s mortal.) 

If someone kills him one last time, that knowledge is gone forever. And I’m glad they’ve established at least some way for Tommy to win. Because at this point, I was losing faith. 

There is also the bare minimum establishment that Dream can refuse to bring back those he doesn’t care for. He can also use it as a shield, holding this power over other people. If Dream is gone, death is permanent. But isn’t that how death is supposed to be, anyway? 

What a bleak premise—the afterlife is pure eternal torture while life is cheapened by a lack of consequences.

Conclusion

All this to say, I am cautiously optimistic for the future. I hope dearly that every single one of these can be disproven or developed in the coming livestreams. Obviously, there’s not enough information to really determine what the end result will be, or how everything will fall into place. 

Every time I have theorized about the story, it has done something completely different and pleasantly surprised me. I want this trend to continue. 

Surprise me again—I’ll be here to see where it goes.

[wowheadquarters]

don't be shy, drop ALL your Kel'Thuzad headcanons~

All of them? Hm. I don’t know if I remember all of them. Also, I stopped keeping track of WoW some time in the middle of the Battle for Azeroth, because it can either be WoW whcih I enjoy or shitwreck, and I chose WoW, which isn’t what Blizzard/Activision is currently serving- I meant to say that most likely my headcanons aren’t Shadowlands compatibile.

Anyway. Kel’thuzad headcanons of various importance as I remember them.

Kel’thuzad is his actual given name, it’s not a pseudonym or anything.

In Thalassian “kel’thuzad” mean “seeker of the truth”. (In Darnassian the same phrase is “keil tassad” and in Zandali “kel’ta sad”.)

Kel’thuzad speaks Common and Thalassian fluently. Before the Dark Portal opened he knew some phrases in Dwarven (conversational) and Gnomish (related to transport industry and mathematic). He can also speak Zandali with varying accents (mostly Amani), but he knows only five or six Zandali signs (he can sign his name, but that’s it).

After the Dark Portal opened, Kel’thuzad tried and failed to learn Orcish. He gained the skill later when it was a trial-and-error learning by communicating with Ner’zhul. Due to that Kel’thuzad’s accent when speaking Orcish is not “Human,” but distinctly Shadowmoon.

He also learned Nerubian from... well, the dead Nerubians. He can now both speak and write fluently even with encryption.

(There are 3 ways of Nerubian ecryptions and they can be simultaneously applied. This way there exist 7 versions of encryption plus 1 unencrypted text. These are known as the Eight Webs of writing. Plain text is written in the First Web, triple encryptin is the Eighth Web.)

He can read (but not speak) Nathrezim, and somewhat read and speak Shath’Yar, the language of the Old Gods. He would understand Quiraji if he ever encountered it, because it is very close to Nerubian (like Czech and Slovakian, I imagine).

The Language of Death, by the Scourge usually referred to as Deathspeak, is an artificial language created by Kel’thuzad. It is based on all languages he knew at the point of creating it, and is fairly easy to learn if you find a willing teacher. It was created for the members of the Cult of the Damned to understand ach other without them feeling like one language/race is put above the other, and to partially control their thoughts, as the language specifically hasn’t got some words or phrases (such as “rebellion”). Orwell would be proud.

He was brownhaired, but he greyed out fairly quickly when Ner’zhul settled in his head without paying any rent.

He was from Kul’Tiras. (I still want him to necromance a sunken ship. And a chalk cliff.)

His family name is Naxrierre. There is a theory that Naxrierres were a witch coven that became civilized with years, which is mostly spread by naysayers to explain the family’s talent towards magic. Another theory claims that they are a part-elven bastards which would besides the magic explain the name.

Kel’thuzad took the elf-Naxrierr theory to heart and in his ambition for one of his sons to make it somewhere else than the navy agve him a Quel’dorei name.

The suffix -ramas in Nerubian signifies not encessarily a necropolis but any place to permanently home dead bodies. “Naxxramas” is basically “Nax(rierre)’s tomb” but in Nerubian. 

As a mage in Dalaran Kel’thuzad studied arcanophysic, a way to describe and measure magic. This field is where all the calibration of spells or even negating spells comes from. He became the sole teacher of it in Dalaran, because he was the only one enthusiastic enough about it to bother.

He was that type of teacher who didn’t give homeworks, he hated correcting them. He also had his classes in the most unreasonable hours, such as 3 AM, because he had a busy schedule and non-existent sleep pattern.

Since Kel’thuzad’s banishment the knowledge of arcanophysics among the Dalaran mages has drasticaly declined and is nearly nonexistent nowadays. All books Kel’thuzad had written on it have been sealed away, which removed nearly all reliable sources from the public access.

Kel’thuzad actually had good relationships with his colleagues. He helped Alonda with her fild research on Trolls (hence his speaking Zandali).

His closest friend was Anthonidas. They used to be classmates once upon the time.

What really undermined Kel’thuzad’s trust and belief in Kirin Tor was what happened to Khadgar. He realized that Kirin Tor is not going to act if given a warning, and not going to help if hearing a plea.

He still tried to warn Kirin Tor before what he didn’t know was the Scourge. He had noticed the Amani “moving out of the way”. “Whatever will happen, and I believe that this time it will be the dead, because the demons haven’t tried that yet, it will happen in a single line from Lordareon to Quel’Danas. We know the Amani can see into the future, and they are clearing out of this path.” Dismissed as a doomsayer, he wasn’t really persistent in his warnins.

Ner’zhul’s talks to Kel’thuzad began as especially persistent migraines. Whenever Kel’thuzad tried to tell Anthonidas that his condition is serious, he was sent off with a mug of peacebloom tea and an advice not to stay up so late, and maybe lay off some stress.

The teacher who taught Thrall in his early years such stuff as writing, that was Kel’thuzad in disguise when he was rectuiting in and around Durnholde Keep.

No, Kel’thuzad has no idea the little pet-orc he was trying to groom and later kidnap for the Cult of the Damned (What a better liteunant than the one you raise yourself?) is Thrall, the Warchief of the Horde.

Kel’thuzad was tasked with finding and preparing the perfect new host for Ner’zhul. He was trying to overthrow the Lich King, so he picked Arthas as a paladin of Light whom he believed strong willed enough to handle it. And at the start of the story Arthas was.

His second choice for Lich King would have been Kael’thas.

He shuffled his cards in the deck of “Scourge politics” so that Bolvar Fordragon would take the Helm of Domination after Arthas. Players greta victory? Just according to keikaku.

He had (and still has) a “wanted poster” for Garrosh Hellscream. He really wanted him into the Scourge army. The reward was a whole necropolis with units.

Naxxramas had a dedicated “catkeeper” tasked with taking care of Mr. Bigglesworth and cleaning the acid/slime vats. Her name was Gwendoline, usually called Gwen, she is now one of Garrosh’s ghost children. Gwen died during the attack on Theramore where she was working as a spy for the Scourge.

Liches feed off people emotions and minds. The Lich Kign keeps it secret (even from Kel’thuzad) to keep them starved and obedient. The passive “nibbling” causes that people around liches start to be unfeeling.

Kel’thuzad has developed the Cure for the Plague quite early on. Ner’zhul made him test the plagues seeds on himself.

Speakig of that, Ner’zhul (and later Arthas as the Lich King) had a complete control over Kel’thuzad’s body, so if he refused to carry out an order, Ner’zhul could just make him do it anyway.

Additionally, the Lich King could kep him going despite injuries, exhaustion &c. Arthas fancied himself thinking that h killed Kel’thuzad, but the truth is that the cumulative injuries (several broken bones, stab wounds, a concussion, frostbites, poisonings), exhaustion and starvation were enough to kill Kel’thuzad twice over, no hammer needed. Ner’zhul just in that moment let Kel’thuzad die, because that was what he needed.

He used to play Hearthstone a lot when he was alive. He had a very good Hunter Murlock tribal deck.

He is asexual, and quite possibly aromantic too. In his words: “I believe in love on the first sight. And I am probably blind or something, as it seems.”

His favourite colour is purple.

Shortly before the capture of Bolvar Fordragon Kel’thuzad re-bound his phylactery from the whole urn to a single shard. The shard was sold by a cult of the Damned agent in Kul’Tiras to Taelia Fordragon as a lucky amulet.

Whenever as a lich Kel’thuzad regained his form, he always found himself knee-deep in water due to some fucking coincidences, starting with the Sunwell.

Speaking of Sunwell, he carries in himself  “a spark of Sunwell”. this has many benefits, such as power or not giving a fuck about Light being super-effective against the undead. It is a thing to be revealed out of the blue without prior warning when we need to reset the Sunwell (again).

He has enough knowledge of Troll and Orc shamanism to be considered a shaman, and too analytical and scientific mind to be actually good at it.

He also had made an oath to the Amani tribe that everything he’s learned from them would never be used to harm any Troll. It is why Kel’thuzad was not responsible for the havoc wrought in Zul’drak.

Naxxrams “responds” to Kel’thuzads emotions and feelings and even physical state. When he gets discorporated (killed), Naxxramas enters “save battery” mode. Naxxramas’ usual is “cold and static” and “cold and slightly shaking” which is Kelthuzad’s “bored” and “irritated” respectively.

He doesn’t like sweets, but he enjoyes crunchy stuff, be it cookies or fried potato slices. He craves the crunch.

He ate the flesh of several sapient beings. In several cases he knows it and the memory of ti makes him retch, even now when he is dead.

He likes dragons. He wants his own dreagonflight. (I have a headcanon abbout Sapphiron’s “Ivory” dragonflight of undead dragons.)

He has a saronite armour to match with the Bloodsurge. It decorates a ziggurat somewhere in Plaguelands. el’thuzad honestly doesn’t care. The armour has spikes on the inside, so if you put it on as a living being, you can’t take it off without bleeding out. A very emo move.

And I am tired now, so this will have to do for now. It’s not all of them, I am sure I haven’t thought of some area. But here we go.

[pleasuringmyprincess]

Love Letter

I wrote the following In July, but decided not to share it at that time. it's now October.  Circumstances change.

________________________________________________________________

I know this isn’t going to be easy for me, so please bear with me.

I’m looking for a new dom for my sub.

I’ve know Ren for six months or so, in a long distance relationship through circumstance rather than design. Circumstance being that I live in California, while she lives in England. This is not a full time LDR, work and family (I’m also from England) bring me to the UK regularly. So in the time we’ve known each other, I’ve travelled to England every 10-12 weeks, staying for 4-5 weeks each time, and I have two more trips scheduled for between now and the end of the year.

When I met Ren it was supposed to be just for play, but we found we had so much in common, so many shared interests outside in the real world, so much chemistry that a serious relationship quickly developed. 

Ren isn’t just a delightful sub, she’s a wonderful mother to two lovely children, she’s fantastic company, intelligent, fun loving, really smart, caring, upbeat all the time, but... there’s always a but, and for Ren it’s a big one.

Let’s start by saying if there was ever someone who didn’t deserve the deck she was dealt it’s Ren. Over the last 6 years her self-esteem has been shattered by her prior partners, (I’ll say no more than that they have one way or another treated her badly) and as a consequence she has suffered from severe depression, has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, has self-harmed, and most recently has been diagnosed and is now being successfully treated for severe Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).

Pause a moment there - this is the same woman, the woman who has been shit on by the world is also the wonderful mother, the delightful, intelligent, fun loving, smart, caring woman. My unicorn.

Ren’s seen a few big changes recently, most significantly she finally was able to divorce her husband and move to a new home. Two big steps forward, but at a cost of greatly increased anxiety. Just after this she heard that she was losing her job - she’s highly skilled but works in a poorly paid profession and because of the need to care for her kids, can only work part time. And she’s just lost her dom. We’ll come back to that in a minute.

In a scene, Ren is delightful, absolutely exquisite. I couldn’t ask for more, it breaks my heart to think of letting her go. Outside of a scene though, she can be very hard work. It’s more a question of providing support and encouragement over discipline. I have lost count of the number of hours I’ve spent helping her through the pain she feels. When she’s particularly low, it can be 3-4 hours a day. That’s not a complaint, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat even now while I’m writing this. It’s just a sign of the level of commitment you need to make. And just so it’s clear, Ren knows she has these problems and spends a lot of time in self-care activities and while it helps, it’s not enough.

Ren’s a working single mum, on a budget, she’s already very disciplined, very ordered, but she still struggles with some things and I have not been as successful as I would have liked in helping her address these issues (although today she has just proved to me that she can do this unbidden when motivated). I’ve not got to the bottom of why this is, and frankly it’s not been a high priority for me. I’ve been focused on helping her improve her self-esteem, manage her anxiety and encourage her to seek treatment for her PMDD (yay me!). This has really been my primary goal. And while it’s too soon to be sure, it really looks like we have succeeded, her anxiety and PMDD are both under control now. She is far far stronger today than she was three months ago.

Unfortunately, helping her get treatment for PMDD may have been my downfall.

After six years in the wilderness Ren is becoming whole again, free from her past, independent, far stronger than she has been for many years. Strong enough to tell me that she wants to move on. Ren needs someone full time, I know this, we’ve discussed it at length, and I had already put plans in motion to return to live in England to be with her. Now Ren has told me that while I am returning to England, it's not soon enough for her - she doesn’t want to wait. She also has concerns about my marriage. I am divorcing, she knows this, but right now I am married, and my divorce is something that Ren does not want to feel responsible for - she’s not responsible, that ship sailed long ago, but she says she will still feel responsible, and that’s enough. And my age, I’m 14 years older than her, too old in her eyes for a long term commitment.

Now obviously I’m not too happy about this, we are/were amazingly good together and had I not worked so hard to help her through her problems I might not be in this position today. I do feel significantly responsible for Ren’s recent improvement. For giving her the support she needed; for helping her apply for jobs; for showing her that there was a man who would fight for her, accept her for who she is, respect her for it; for being the consistent and reliable dom she needed; and most significantly for getting her back to the doc and having her PMDD addressed. 

This is where I get a little twisted - one of the side effects of the medication Ren is taking for PMDD is possible impaired judgement. And there's part of me that thinks, dumping your dom like this wasn't the wisest thing to do right now. So the treatment for PMDD that I helped her get, might possibly be responsible for Ren taking what I think is an ill-judged decision in deciding that she’d rather seek out her perfect Dom than accept this one with all his flaws. I’m not blind to the fact that there’s part of me that thinks ‘Hey, I did the hard work in putting her back together and it would be nice to enjoy some of the benefits’, OK, I fully realize that’s selfish of me, but it’s understandable, I’m a dom, not a saint. To be clear though, it's not the decision I have a problem with, it's the hurried way she approached it.  But we serve at our sub’s pleasure, and so here we are.

As it is, and I’ve never shared this with anyone, not even Ren, until now. I made a promise to myself that I’d help her come what may. And if that means 'setting her free' and helping her find a dom who’s worthy of her, that’s what I’ll do.

And so I’m looking for a new dom for my sub.

If you think that you might possibly be able to be the dom Ren needs, I’d like to hear from you. Before you all shout, as you might have gathered, I hold Ren in very high regard, and I will not let her settle for anyone who isn’t good enough. And just to be clear, I’m not going away. Ren and I have every intention of remaining friends.

So can this be you?

Let’s see shall we.

You’ve got to accept that Ren is a rich multi-faceted human being. If you are looking for a fuck toy, stop here.

She’s looking for more than just a play partner. Listen to Lou Reid singing Perfect Day, if you can’t offer that, you can stop reading here. Married guys (like me), guys in poly, or any form of relationship with someone else, you can stop here, she wants exclusivity. Btw, if you’re separated, divorcing, or whatever, you’re still married, so you stop here too. You don’t drink sangria in the park with Ren, and then later when it gets dark go home to your wife (read the lyrics, it will make sense).

Age 40-50, no exceptions. You will be fit and healthy, height/weight proportional.

No diseases, you will provide current STI test results, and you will always use a condom.

It will help if you a pro-Remain, if not, you need to be able to offer a coherent argument against. Intelligence matters. 

As a submissive, Ren has specific needs, and specific limits. She needs pain, she needs to be spanked, mild to moderate use of a riding crop and paddle is OK, but not severe caning. She needs bondage both for the restraint and the art. Obviously there are other things as well, but she can share that if you meet, and I’m sure there are things that we’ve not tried that she will enjoy. She has limits and you will respect them. You will not humiliate her in any way, not even name calling. Not in play, not as punishment. There are other things you will not do, obviously, and again she can share them if you meet.

You must be an experienced Dom, having a fetlife account or a tumblr blog doesn’t count. You will meet me first. You will provide government photo ID, and references, and I will follow up on references in person.

Ren needs a Dom who is close by, someone who can see her 2-3 times a week without fail and who will remain in close contact when apart. Long distance relationships don’t work for her (ask me how I know), she needs to know you are close by, which means you must be within daily driving distance. No, she will not relocate. She has joint custody of her kids with her ex and that’s not going to change.

You’ve got to accept that she is not at your beck and call. She’s a mother, her kids come first and always will. You don’t even rate second place; like I said, she has a very demanding self-care program that takes a lot of her time, that comes next. She also has a cat. You might aspire to a position above the cat in her hierarchy, but I wouldn’t count on it.

________________________________________________________________

Don't take this as anything other than a mile marker down a road already travelled.

Applications are not currently being accepted. 

[studyblxrr]

Singapore Scholarship Interview Questions and Experience

Overview of scholars’ programmes and scholarships for which I went for interviews:

Scholars’ Programmes: 1. National University of Singapore (NUS): University Scholars’ Programme (USP) 2. National Technological University (NTU): CN Yang Scholars’ Programme

Scholarships: 1. Civil Aviation Authority of Singapore Local and Overseas Scholarships (CAAS) (2 rounds) 2. National Technological University: Nanyang Scholarship 3. National University of Singapore: NUS Merit Scholarship (2nd tier; 1st round)

This post has been long overdue but... After my GCE ‘A’ Level a couple years ago, I applied for a number of scholarships and scholars’ programme locally. However, when I was shortlisted for the interviews for these, I realised there were very few platforms on which they actually shared in-depth information about how the interviews are conducted so now that I’m kind of done with all my interviews, I’ve decided to compile everything I went through and share it with you guys. I was actually also just shortlisted for the MOH Healthcare Merit Award / Scholarship interview, but declined to attend it (so I’m sorry to those who were curious to know what the interview would be like) because I’ve decided to enrol into CN Yang Scholars’ Programme. I’ll give you a breakdown of the reasons why in a bit. All right, enough rambling, now it begins!

CAAS Scholarship Interview 

Result: Not offered (honestly because I did ZERO preparation for the actual interview lol halp) 

There were two rounds of interviews for this scholarship. The first involved something like a ‘roleplay’ where we discussed how we would solve a simulated issue. I passed this round. Honestly, just speak up and try to ‘put yourself out there’ more, so that the interviewer / observer can hear your opinions better and ‘get to know you’ more easily. 

The second round of interview is way more formal, with a panel including about 4 management/executive-level guys. I’m pretty sure one of the Directors was there. Since I did not pass this round, I won’t share my answers back then, but I think the trick is to really read up on Singaporean current affairs beforehand, read some opinion pieces (maybe from the newspapers forums), and know about CAAS well!!

The Interview Questions: 

1. Tell us about yourself.  2. What are some of your strengths and weaknesses?  3. What do you know about CAAS? 

4. Do you think females should also partake in NS? --> I answered this question very poorly (I think), but the interviewer then told me that I could’ve said something like... ‘females also serve the country in different ways, such as in the public sector, in their daily contributions to the workforce and even taking care of their children and their families for the future...and military / NS is not the only way one can contribute to Singapore’s society’ 

I can’t really recall the rest of the questions, but good luck! 

NUS USP Interview 

Result: Offered Summary of benefits: Basically a programme that entails 2 years of compulsary on-campus living (NOT sponsored accommodation, but simply a requirement of the programme) that focuses on critical thinking skills and nurturing all-rounded thinking regardless of courses pursued; known to be pretty rigorous, involving classes even after ‘lesson hours’ and intensive writing; according to my seniors, this programme really trains your writing skills so it kind of helps in the long run, with writing theses and all that. pretty cool programme imo.

The Interview: this was a pretty chill, casual interview if i’m completely honest. there were 2 interviewers -- a prof of the programme and a USP alumni.

Q: Tell us about yourself, in terms of how your life has been and what got you interested in USP. A: Well, I’d like to think that I have led quite a unique life in that I spent the first 10 years of my life living in Malaysia. And because my entire childhood was spent there close to nature, it shaped my thinking such that I have a greater appreciation for more hands-on and experiential learning. So, even when I came to Singapore for primary education onwards, I was constantly seeking ways to achieve a more balanced, and exciting education path for myself. For instance, in secondary school, I tried my hand in community service, which made me realise my passion for people (etc. etc. etc.); and then in Junior College, I decided to pick up photography because I realised that I was lacking the more ‘artistic’ aspect of life. So I did that, alongside my original interest in community service, which I continued to pursue with my own self-initiated Fundraising projects. Why I’m interested in USP is because I realised that there are multiple tiers to it that allow me to be exposed to a wider variety of knowledge fields and skill sets, and also more abstract and humanities-focused courses even though I’m interested in joining a science course.

Q: You mentioned that you spent the first 10 years of your life in Malaysia, can you tell us more about what you think of the sense of rootedness you have towards Singapore vs Malaysia? A: (I’m assuming this is pretty specific towards my previous answer and probably none of you will be asked this as well so I’ll skip on what I replied; but I gave a pretty neutral answer, saying that I’m thankful towards M’sia for having shaped me as a child to think the way that I do today, and towards S’pore for the opportunities I have had to grow even more as a more mature person etc.)

Q: What was your community service project about and what did you learn from it? A: It was a fundraising project that aimed to raise funds so that the organisation we were working with would be able to continue to sustain its operations, and fulfil its aim of keeping all its programmes free of charge. Because I was the student leader of this project, I was in charge of coordinating recruitment, attendance as well as liaising with managements to host our fundraising events. So through these, I was able to learn how to communicate better with others and negotiate for better terms for my project. Because I was doing this along with exams, and another year-long tuition programme for less fortunate children, I also learnt to manage my stress and the importance of pacing myself so that I would not overwork and burn out.

Q: Speaking of non-profit organisations, what do you think of them in general? A: I feel like ultimately, non-profit organisations are still businesses that require a certain amount of profit and/or revenue to continue sustaining their operations. So, in the end it’s still a lot of communicating with other for-profit businesses to sell their efforts so that they would be sponsored, and so that others would be enticed to give back to the community by helping to sustain the non-profit organisations. My fundraising project was actually able to give me more insight into the behind-the-scenes of running a non-profit organisation, and we realised that even donations had to be audited and checked, and the staff still had to be paid. etc. etc. etc.

Q: What do you think sets you apart from your peers such that you will be able to excel under USP? A: I believe that I have the passion and the drive to keep up with the rigorous programmes and classes at USP. I am also very ambitious, so I will constantly strive to improve myself. Because I’ve always been very receptive to both the sciences and the humanities and have equal appreciation for both, I am also confident in understanding and adapting to the style of USP. I also think that because of my experiences, I will also be able to bring more unique ideas to the table as USP and contribute to more meaningful discussions.

NTU CN Yang Scholars’ Programme Interview

Result: Offered Summary of benefits: Includes the Nanyang Scholarship and guaranteed overseas final year research project (5 to 8 months), guaranteed overseas exchange for one semester, guaranteed four years of stay in NTU halls of residence, opportunities for research attachment from Year One onwards, opportunities to attend an international conference with full subsidy, opportunities to meet top leading scientists and academics, opportunities for PhD study at NTU or Joint PhD with partner university (Minimum CGPA of 4.00 for application of a scholarship from NTU)

The Interview: again, a pretty chill, pretty brief interview. there was only 1 interviewer.

Q: Tell me briefly about yourself. A: (summarised achievements + passions/interests)

Q: Do you intend to do a PhD after you graduate with a Bachelor’s Degree? A: Yes, because........ (just talk about furthering your passions and a PhD honing new skills...)

To be honest, the rest of the interview was mostly the interviewer explaining what the scholarship and scholars’ programme would entail. It was quite an easy breezy interview.

NTU Nanyang Scholarship Interview (under SCBE) 

As my first-choice course was Chemical Engineering, naturally I had my Nanyang Scholarship interview under the School of Chemical and Biomedical Engineering (SCBE), with the Academic Chair and an administrative staff as the interviewers. 

Result: Offered along with ADDITIONAL LEAD AWARD  Summary of Nanyang Scholarship benefits: Full coverage of subsidised tuition fees (after Tuition Grant), Living allowance of S$6,500 per academic year, Accommodation allowance of up to S$2,000 per academic year (Applicable to scholarship holders who reside in NTU hostels only), Travel grant of S$5,000 for an overseas programme (one-off), Computer allowance of S$1,750 (one-off)

Summary of LEAD Award benefits: can expect up to SGD$6,000 reward in the form of one of the following four options: (1) $1,500 cash award per semester (max 4 semesters); or (2) Overseas Internship for 2 months at MIT or other world renowned overseas laboratories for research; or (3) Leadership development/ conference/ workshop; or (4) Overseas study trip

--> Trick: if you ever get such a top-up award, just opt for the cash grant as that’s the easiest to reap the full benefit. You’re better off sourcing for your own internships, as the MIT ones are not guaranteed to be available for your cohort, or there might be more administrative procedures for that. 

The Interview: 

Q: Tell me about yourself.  A: (summarised achievements + passions/interests) -- you can talk a little bit about why you chose to study your course of choice 

Q: Tell me more about your leadership positions in JC and secondary school.  A: (again, summarise your achievements - phrase them in such a way that you end with a positive result that YOU helped to achieve) 

More follow-up questions about past work experiences...honestly, just answer from your heart and be truthful. They don’t bite. 

Afterwards, they pretty much just started telling me about the scholarship and how I can benefit from it. Following that, they offered me the LEAD Award top-up, which I did NOT see coming but was very flattered by. 

NUS Merit Award Interview (under Faculty of Science, Pharmacy)

Result: Offered Merit Award (2nd tier) Summary of benefits: Tuition fees (after MOE Tuition Grant subsidy), S$6,000 annual living allowance, S$2,000 one-time computer allowance upon enrolment, Guaranteed an offer of a 1-semester Student Exchange Programme (SEP) with one of NUS’ overseas partner universities, Guaranteed offers of on-campus accommodation for the first 2 years of undergraduate studies, provided the Scholar submits a complete hostel admission application every year within the prescribed application periods, and fulfils NUS’s eligibility criteria for NUS on-campus accommodation.

The Interview:

I have to say that this was one of my worst interview experiences. The questions were pretty standard at first, asking about (again) yourself, your past experiences, why you chose your course of study. But after a while it took a dark turn. So, by this point I’d already been accepted into the Pharmacy course, so I was merely interviewing for the scholarship and NOT the course. Yet, the interviewer (one of 3 in the panel) started to bombard me with questions about why I got a B in A Level Chemistry (FYI: I had all A’s and a B in H2 Chem), what went wrong (his words, not mine), why I deserved to be given a scholarship IN SPITE OF THE ‘B’, what I will do to overcome this stupid shortcoming...... blah blah blah EXTREMELY TERRIBLE AND ELITIST INTERVIEWER.

But again, that was my experience. I could’ve just gotten a really mean interviewer. Just go in with an open mind. But I left the interview feeling really looked down on and...shamed. Which is sad because now that I am way past that, I wish I had gone back in and told him that grades are not what make a person. 

And with that, we have come to the end of this reeeeeeally long (and overdue) post. 

If any of you guys have anything to ask me about scholarships / scholarship application processes in Singapore, feel free hit me up in the ask box! :) Hehe. 

Oh, and if you were curious, I accepted the C N Yang Scholarship + Nanyang Scholarship (with SCBE LEAD Award) in the end. If you would like me to talk more about how I am finding NTU life, how each Scholars’ Programme works, how I am benefitting from my scholarship, and so on, do ask away! (https://studyblxrr.tumblr.com/ask)

PS. For those of you who might be curious, my profile of entry was A’s in H2 Biology, H2 Math, H2 Econs, GP, PW and a B in H2 Chemistry. I was originally from the Raffles IP programme, with experiences in a fundraising CIP project and a year-long tutoring volunteer programme as ‘extra-curricular highlights’. 

[nikatyler]

Hi :) Do you have any tips for telling a story through your gameplays? Or even starting a legacy challenge?

When I was in the middle of writing this, I realized it’s all over the place and not everything probably answers your question, but they’re all things I’ve learned in my three years of being a simblr and trying to tell stories through this game. I hope at least some of it will be useful 😊 There are currently 2 different ways I approach storytelling. My Rose Legacy is mainly planned in advance with breaks for regular gameplay (but I focus on the story, therefore less completely random stuff happens). Golden Days, aka the gen 4 story I keep talking about but haven’t shown much of, is planned in advance completely (I write it first, then I go in the game to take pictures) and has no true gameplay parts. And then there are NSB and BPR, which are mainly about me having fun with the game. A lot of random stuff may and will occur. I do some planning too, but nothing too heavy usually.

But onto those legacy tips now. Some apply more to Roses, some to my other two legacies. Just get inspired by what you think could work for you!

It’s under the cut!

1. Come in with no big expectations

This might be just a coincidence, but it’s something I’ve noticed happened with all my big legacies. The only intention I had when I started them was to have a good time playing the game that I love. Don’t immediately think “I’m going to make the best founder ever” or “this is it, I’ll never create a better legacy”. Don’t stress yourself too much about it, just have fun. Don’t force yourself to be head over heels about your founder from the beginning, you will form a natural “bond” with them and their family as you play and get to know them better. They don’t have to be the best sim in the legacy, you might like their children more. It happened in all my legacies: I like Ezra more than Amelia, Isaac more than Elizabeth, Roxanne more than Gwyneth and (even though it wasn’t like that from the beginning) Ross more than December.

2. Have a basic idea of what you want to do

I found that I like setting requirements for myself because if I don’t do that, I’ll do what I’m always doing in the game, and well, then it all gets boring so quickly. When you’re playing a challenge-based legacy, you already have these requirements you have to complete somehow. If it seems too easy, just add your own! I’ll be doing that in my grey generation because I’ve already finished a lot of the requirements during the yellow generation, and this one would be too short and easy.

3. Try things you’ve never done before

Step out of your comfort zone! Think about what you’ve never done or explored in the game before: complete some aspirations, master some skills, have a certain number of relationships your heir will have to have in their life, make a rule about how many children your sim will have…have these basic guidelines, but don’t forget to give yourself some freedom too. Which brings me to the next point.

4. Whatever comes your way, roll with it

This is something I’ve been doing a lot in my NSB and it’s so much fun. Your house is on fire? It sucks, but don’t quit. This sim keeps showing up and wants to talk to your sim? Maybe they could be friends…or maybe enemies. Or maybe enemies to lovers! Was your spellcaster cursed? Nice, don’t you dare to exit without saving, challenge yourself and break the curse. Do you get an impulsive need to abduct your sim? Turn them into a vampire? GO FOR IT! Go crazy. Do bizarre things. Act on a whim. Let your sims suffer from time to time. Get inspired by the awful things the game throws at you. You could also make a list of things to do in the game, assign them numbers and then use google to roll the dice. Actually, I think I’ve seen someone make something like this already, but I might be making that up right now.

Basically: have goals, but leave some free space for unexpected twists. It’s like life, isn’t it? You focus on something, but sometimes, you can’t get straight to it. Obstacles happen.

5. And what about story-heavy parts?

If you want to add a part of a story that is less about gameplay, go for it! It can be refreshing. I always plan these parts in advance. Also, if I’m in the middle of a storyline, I usually break the previous rule, meaning that yes, I pretend some things didn’t happen, and yes, I quit without saving when something doesn’t go right. 

A perfect example is when Miracle burned to death while I was setting up another scene. If it happened in a gameplay, I’d be heartbroken, but I’d keep it (and maybe I would get a new, different storyline out of it). But in this case, I was in the middle of the story and I couldn’t just let her die, it would affect everything and I wasn’t in the mood for that monstrous rewriting. (it was in the middle of quads’ storylines and really, I don’t think they’d be in the mood for going on dates right after their mother died, but that’s off topic)

6. If you need to, take a break

This sounds simple, but I’m always surprised how often people force themselves to open their saves just to crank out content for their simblr. Why? You’ll just end up being bored and bitter and very often, you can tell when someone isn’t having fun with their game (or simblr in general). It took me four months to feel like opening the Rose save again. It would be pointless to make myself load it up when I actually don’t want to play it. Remember what I said in that first point: you want to have a good time. If you’re not having it, just leave. Take that break. You don’t owe anything to anyone, and if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, well…they’re the asshole here, not you. You can get burned out or uninspired from time to time, it happens, it’s natural, don’t feel bad about it. Get some rest and then come back - next week or next month, doesn’t matter.

7. Small generations are the best

I learned this the hard way and yet I still find myself breaking this rule so often. Gen 5/6 of Rose Legacy were exhausting because there were just so many sims and so many stories I wanted to tell. I still ended up scrapping a lot of them and I’m not satisfied with it. My tip would be have less children per generation, but write down your story ideas and just use them in later generations. Be patient. In fact, as the time goes, you can develop these stories and get rid of the flaws, so in the end they’ll be better than if you have used them all in one generation!

8. Writing prompts, tags and ask games are amazing

If I develop a character more, I find it easier to get attached to them - and then I’m less likely to quit the save too. I’ve had many pretty sims, but I let them go in the end because they had no depth. You can always develop your sims on your own. No one is stopping you from sitting down and writing all the headcanons you have for them. 

However, what I find more fun are ask games with questions about your OC. Not only you’re challenged to think about something new (these questions can be about awfully specific things, I love when that happens), but you also learn which characters people are interested in or what they want to know about them, and then you can work with that too. However, don’t get discouraged if no one asks anything. It happens a lot and it’s hard to then not feel down, but you’re not the only one. It’s not even that big of a deal when you think about it! (I’m still learning this, by the way, I’m always discouraged when no one asks haha.) I’d suggest that you interact with others. One thing I always try to do is leaving an ask for the person I’m reblogging from - of course, sometimes I just can’t think of anything, but if it’s something as simple as dropping some question numbers, then why wouldn’t I leave them there and just pick a character I like?

9. Get inspired, but don’t become a copycat

This one…inspiration is great, but make sure you’re not taking it too far. I don’t want to draw a line where inspiration ends and imitation/copying begins, as I know that everyone sees it differently and what I’d consider copying someone else would still call inspiration, so basically, I’d just say follow your heart and be nice. Taking someone else’s storyline and just playing it step by step with your own characters is not okay. Also speaking of imitation - imitating a person’s writing style or sense of humor can sometimes be tricky. It comes natural to them, but you’re just trying to be like them and it might show and it won’t feel right. Allow outer sources to inspire you and shape you into a better writer, but stay yourself at all times and you’ll be just fine. 💕 

10. Play for yourself, not for other people

This probably should’ve been the first tip. Do the things you want to do, not the things that are currently trendy in the community. I mean, if you want to do the trendy thing, that’s fine! But if you’re only doing it because everyone else is doing it, well, you’re not going to enjoy it. Same with…let’s say you have a sim and she has to pick between two guys. A typical love triangle. You want her to end up with guy A, you have good reasons why you want her to end up with him, but your followers want her to end up with guy B. Maybe listen to their reasons and consider them, but in the end, you’re the one who’s making the decision. And if you still feel like she should end up with guy A, then just let her. Don’t completely give up everything to please your readers.

I can’t really think of anything anymore, but I think I’ve said enough. I hope it made sense. I wrote most of this on the train so yeah 😅 Also, sorry it took me so long.

[studioblrcollective]

Graphic Design Portfolio Sites

Key things to remember when creating a portfolio website Main Writer: @allydsgn | Allyson Arrogante

Welcome to the Spring Semester, when most design students have either started looking into jobs or even started interviewing for them. Design conferences are holding job fairs and design communities are hosting reviews. Portfolio, business cards, and business-casual outfits either ready to go or in progress, students are trying to make sure they check off every box for what they need to be the best candidate graduating in town this semester.

Studioblr Collective is here to help you check one of those boxes off, and that’s your Portfolio website. Some students use their portfolio website as their portfolio book as well, bringing iPads and laptops to interviews and conferences to click through, so we found this topic to be a big necessity to write at this time of year.

What are we covering?

Why should you have a portfolio site

What should be on your site

How to format what’s in it

How and where to build your site

Disclaimer: you will hear different advice from different people, so please, as always, when you hear advice take what you think applies to you and leave behind what you think does not work. Be responsible for your decisions and believe in them, don’t do something just because someone else told you to.

1. Why Should I Have a Portfolio Site?

To those that do not have a lot of time or experience building a website, building an online portfolio that is supposed to encompass and showcase work in its best light may seem daunting. Some may find reasons to not put the time and effort into one, but it can be through Behance, Dribbble, or your own site. Whatever you choose, you should have an online portfolio that’s easily accessible and identifying to you and your work.

The first, and probably most obvious, reason that you’ll want your work to be 24/7 accessible and easy to find is for potential employers. If they put your name into Google, or stumble across you on LinkedIn and other social platforms, they should be able to find your website: the reliable go-to place to see what you think is your best work and links to all of your other profiles that they are probably interested in seeing. With this said, make sure that whatever you hand out or send to people has your website’s URL on it.

It’s not only a great gallery and showing your best work, but it is also a reliable way to get a hold of you. When you hand out a business card or tell someone your name, an impulse for those interested in you is to look you up later. This could be potential employers or other designers that just want to connect, which could lead to opportunities later. Hook up your professional email to your site to make sure you’re separating your junk mail and spam from the emails you actually want to read. Being timely in your responses also helps you look reliable, professional, and interested.

2. What Should Be On My Site?

Some common mistakes are to include too much or too little information about you and your work. Here’s a list of necessities to make sure you check off:

Your work should be in the spotlight

Context for you and your projects

Resume

A Little About You

Your Brand

Your Contact Information and Other Profiles

Some of these seem obvious or vague, so let’s jump into the details.

3. How to Format Your Website

Overall, your website should be treated as a portfolio piece in itself. Typography, color, hierarchy, brand system, and so on should be considered when building this site. Just like a website you’d make for a school project, you should be sure that your website experience is consistent, meaningful, and intentional. Your site should be responsive and it should be easy to find the things we listed above. Now, let’s talk about how to format and what to remember about the specific parts of your site:

Your Work:

Only your best work should be featured. Your “average” work will distract from your “wow” work.

“If your portfolio looks and feels bare, that’s because it is”

List projects as campaigns if they have multiple parts, not separated, so viewers can see the system that you built. This format will help you tell the story of the campaign. Your pieces speak louder when together.

Use mockups that are clear, show your work in context, and in its best light

Your work (logos specifically) should be clear to see and analyze with appropriate clearing space.

The process is beneficial to show your thinking/ideation process

Walk through your process per project and pace out your work for easy digestion

Make it clear what people are looking at and what to expect

Context:

As we said above, you should walk through your work, to provide context as to what helped you make certain decisions.

Some things to include per project should be who it was for, the challenges you faced, and how you felt you solved their problems.

If it was a team project, you must say so and list who else you worked with. It is not right to claim a whole project for yourself if you only did a part of it.

Keep descriptions simple, clear, and straightforward. You can add some flavor words for the sake of branding, but don’t get convoluted.

Put relevant text by relevant pictures to help drive your points mentioned.

Resume:

Make a link or button that clearly leads to this as it’s a heavily sought after link when recruiting.

It should be a PDF so that it’s easy to print out if a physical copy is needed for files. A typed and coded page is optional, just be sure it’s formatted well so that it is easy to read and matches your branding.

Use the version of your resume that enforces the kind of work you want to do. Some people have different resumes pertaining to certain types of jobs, so the one that everyone can see at all times should be for the job that you are looking for the most.

This could also be a good place to link to side projects or other online endeavors you’re a part of to show your involvement and what kind of projects interest you.

A Little About You:

A short, sweet, and catchy couple of sentences will do when it comes to personal interests.

Also, use this moment to talk about what kind of work you like and what you want to do. Recruiters will be able to see if you’re the right fit for their position or not.

A picture of you, or some sort of image you resonate with, helps give a visual aid to remember you by.

Your Brand:

This is used to keep everything consistent, not to overpower your work.

Your logo or name should be clearly visible on most, if not all, of your pages. The more your viewers are exposed to it and stays consistent, the easier it’ll be for them to recall you when they see your branding elsewhere.

How you talk in your text and how you display your work also follows your brand. Be aware of what you’re trying to say, how you want to say it, and the tone you want to use to express yourself.

Your Contact Information and Other Profiles:

Make sure a way to contact you is clear on the home page or in your navigation (this can be your email actually listed near the top of the page or a “contact” page that people know to click on.

On this page, it’s up to you to use a contact form or not, but either way, your main form of contact (most likely email) should be clearly listed on this page.

This is where you would put your other profiles for people to check out as well, such as LinkedIn, Instagram, Dribbble, Behance, and so on.

4. Where to Host and Build your Website

Here’s the fun part: development.

As a designer and not a developer, you are obviously not expected to code your site from the ground up. However, if you’re looking into becoming a web designer or partly get into development, it could be a great project to show off those skills. No matter how you choose to build, just remember that you need a domain name and a hosting plan. How you decide to build your site, and what functions you’re planning to have within it, will change if there is a variable third cost: the website builder’s subscription to use their service.

Let’s walk through the options:

Code Your Own Website

If you’re a web developer, this would be a great showcase of that ability on a smaller scale by your own rules

Full control comes with full responsibility. You have to figure out how to do everything on your site or at least hook up to it.

No subscription cost if you know how to develop without a builder and you update files through an FTP server.

Development will take longer.

WordPress/CMS

Good experience to work with WordPress since a lot of sites with bigger databases use this.

More “quick” functionality with the plugin library, but can also get more complicated as you deal with other people’s code and functionality to get things to work how you want them to.

WordPress has the option to upload a custom theme with custom post types if you want to do more than just display your portfolio. Another reason why a developer may want to use this instead.

There are some costs associated with WordPress if you’re using their themes. They also have plans with varying amounts of features where you can choose what’s best for you.

Evolving In-Betweens

Want a CMS with some advanced styling but don’t want to code? Sites like Webflow and Bubble are pushing the boundaries on drag and drop builders by giving you advanced customization.

These sites take more styling attention versus something like Squarespace with a starting template but offer more customization per element.

Some basic front-end styling knowledge would help when making decisions considering formatting and layout.

Subscriptions are not avoidable and should be reviewed for what features you want or need.

Squarespace and Other Site Builders

Most site builders are very intuitive and have great user experience as they are built specifically for those that don’t want to code.

Themes are somewhat customizable with styles, google fonts, and Adobe fonts options. They also will usually include custom CSS and code injection for those specific custom pieces.

Be aware of all functions you want and what functions are available at which subscription plan price. (example: if you want to sell products on your site as well that costs extra per month to host on Squarespace, and other similar website building sites)

There is usually no way around the subscription cost.

Adobe Portfolio (that hooks to Behance)

Very intuitive and easy user experience

If you’re already using Behance then you can easily and quickly sync up, which is great. You can also hide certain projects from your Adobe Portfolio while having them still visible on Behance so you can choose the best work.

Currently has very limited functions, so be aware, again, of what you want and what’s available.

Themes are limited and fixed to an extent, but by default are nicely designed.

Comes free with an Adobe subscription, but you must have one in order to use this service.

In Conclusion

You should have a portfolio site so that people looking to hire or network with you have a reliable place to see your best content, all other relatable profiles, and have a way to contact you.

This website should feature your best work, not too many or too little projects, and should be showcased on a campaign basis, not by its pieces. It should also hold relevant information about hiring you such as your resume, contact information, and a little bit about you. All of these things should be encompassed in your brand’s experience, but not overwhelmed by it.

Your projects need context which can be done with supporting text, walking through its process and pieces, and by supplying information such as its challenge and proposed solutions. Also, make sure that everything is displayed clearly, or can be found easily.

No matter how you build your site you’ll need a domain name and a hosting provider. The third cost that could change depends on what functions you want on your site and which way you choose to develop. Website builders will have subscription fees based on the features you want to have.

The Studioblr Collective hopes that this was helpful and encourages any of our readers to ask questions or provide feedback: we’d be happy to respond!

Have fun and keep up the good work, designers!

References:

Personal Experience

https://www.creativelive.com/blog/5-graphic-design-portfolio-mistakes/

https://99designs.com/blog/freelancing/how-to-build-graphic-design-portfolio/

[parniarazi]

2 0 1 9

A few days into the fresh energy of the new year, I’m still processing a lot from 2019 because it was a huge year for me. I think it’s a big missed opportunity for self-growth if you don’t take some time to reflect on your year, what it taught you, how it shaped you, and what your goals are moving into a new year. Resolutions can be cheesy and cheap, but serious self-reflection and actions towards your goals are what will move you forward.

In 2019, I got to experience a lot of things I love. I photographed one of my favorite artists, I went to 6 music festivals (including my first SXSW and EDCLV), I traveled to Vegas, Italy, Germany, France, Colorado, and Mexico (not to mention a few weekends away in the lovely Austin, Texas). I connected with many different people this year, a few of whom have stuck around to be good friends. I graduated college surrounded by the support of my amazing family, started my first semester of grad school and my first real job, and I fell even more in love with Pavel after we made the decision to move in together.

Whew. Talk about self-growth. Years like this that are filled with change are definitely among the most difficult ones I remember, but getting older is cool sometimes because I recall other similar times when I felt challenged, pushed, and even frustrated, but then ended up getting through it and life being way better on the other side. For example, when I first moved to Houston in 2016. Another similarly big transition year, 2019 didn’t come without its struggles, but those have been incredible learning moments and just as important as my highs. 

Overall though, growing up is hard. I think this is something I say often, but I really feel that in my soul. Sometimes I feel like I have a grip on adulthood, I’m now financing larger trips and travel plans for Pavel and I, I’m seeing more of the world, I’m less afraid of doing adult things alone and less afraid of the unknown general. At the same time though, so much of my identity is rooted in my youth. Young, wild, and free, you know? Nothing is better. So in many ways, feeling this slip away from me year by year as I get older and have to handle more and more of my own responsibilities really sucks. Not being able to be as carefree or have as much free time can be a challenge that comes with adulthood, but fortunately having the level of self-awareness I’ve developed, I’m also realizing that I don’t actually have to buy into that narrative anymore. Can I be a fully responsible, independent adult and still create time for myself and give myself breaks to play, dance, and rest? Absolutely. Can I be a smart, professional, respectable person while still being funny and quirky and myself? Hell yeah. Getting settled into adulthood by moving out and going through all these changes I did this year has helped me realize that my life is really my own to shape and create however I want. I’ve learned that no matter what advice others give me or see fit for me, the decisions are mine to make at the end of the day and I’m the one who has to live my life every day. As the indecisive libra I am, this was hard at first but I can literally feel myself growing into my power and that feels fucking amazing. 

Major shifts also happened in my academic/professional life that were extremely difficult to go through, but I have a feeling were a huge plunge in the right direction for me. For most of undergrad (which was only 3 years), I was committed to staying in academia to get my Ph.D. in political science and then working as a professor. This was mainly for 3 reasons — I was always good at school so I thought putting off finding a job to stay in school longer would be an easy solution, I wanted to stay in an area I excelled in and felt comfortable in, and I didn’t explore my other interests/options enough at the time. I also couldn’t see myself dressing in business clothes, working in an office or corporate-type job. Essentially, I settled for something I thought would be more comfortable, but it turned out my undergrad program had not challenged me or prepared me for this grad program at all. Instead of being comfortable, I was thrown to the wolves in classes and material I was completely unprepared for and not even interested in. Not to mention, I felt incredibly alone and isolated from my classmates because many of them were older, already had a Master’s degree, and their lives revolved completely around the department because most of them worked as TAs while being full-time students. Meanwhile, I was working outside of academics, wanted to maintain my personal life and hobbies, and simply could not keep up with the pace and demands of the program. Nor did I want to, because seeing both the Ph.D. student and professor life up and close as a grad student made me realize that’s not the life I want as a professional. Academia can be incredibly stifling of new ideas, very bureaucratic, and has cookie-cutter ways to ‘making it’ in your given field. I learned that it is not an environment where my skills and personality would flourish, and I deserve better than that. I realized it’s unfair to both myself and the people who could benefit from my skills to force myself to fit into a box I simply don’t fit into.

That doesn’t go to say I have it all figured out now because I surely don’t. In fact, I’m on a whole new journey of finding jobs and fields I’m interested in, then gaining the right experiences and connections to get those jobs. Fortunately, I saved my grad school career by advocating for myself. Last semester, I immediately realized I hated the poli sci program, started exploring other related degree options, dropped my most difficult class after midterms, and then pushed and begged my advisors to actually do something to help me do something about my situation. After exploring and talking to people a bit, I realized my skillset would be a lot more applicable for something in Communications, like Public Relations or Mass Communications. I’ve always had a mind for communication, media, and relating to others as a deep empath. With broad applications in the world, I also realized this is a degree that I can make, not one that makes me. I can apply it and use it to do anything I'm interested in — from entertainment PR and marketing, to journalism and writing, to leadership and team management. My advisors were able to transfer me into the Communications MA for this spring, even though technically I would have had to apply and start in the fall. An important consideration about leaving political science was that they had given me a full scholarship covering my tuition, but since I’ve transferred I’ll now have to figure out paying for this semester myself and then finding scholarships or other ways to pay for the next 2 years (because I’ve made it this far and I refuse to have student loans). I’m so glad I didn’t let the money stop me because I would have lost that scholarship anyway since I dropped a class and didn’t get the most impressive grades, plus no scholarship is worth suffering in something you don’t want to be in and that won’t get you where you want to be.

Aside from the whirlwind that was this last semester, I am incredibly proud of myself for getting through all these crazy changes and still managing to be my joyful and best self (at least most of the time). I had my days where I cried hard after school and work, and some dark weeks this semester, but I made still doing things that make me happy a priority. Yoga, music, travel, going to festivals, going out with friends, seeing my family, and just slowing down for self-care. Finding familiarity and comfort in these things that bring me joy, combined with support from Pavel, are what got me through my hardest times this semester. Now I feel more settled into my new life being moved out, I feel more confident and powerful because I made my own decisions, and I feel excited about this new journey and the fulfillment and abundance this new path will bring me. 

Speaking of Pavel, it’s actually unreal how seamless and perfect moving in with him has been. Of course, we are immensely privileged because we aren’t dealing with rent, bills, or even cleaning much. But nonetheless, we’ve dealt with challenging times together but just going to bed together and waking up together makes life better. He’s my best friend in every way, living with him and sharing a space together is so magical and beautiful. I feel so safe, welcomed, and open to create the space and life I want here. I feel so cared for, valued, and loved with Pavel. We work so well together, it feels effortless and deliciously perfect. He grounds me, and this space has become home so quickly because of the way he makes me feel here. Moving out has taught me so much, helped me start overcoming a lot of fear and anxiety, and just allowed me to blossom more into myself. I will be forever grateful for Pavel helping make that happen with me at this point in our lives where it was so perfectly needed. I respect and love him endlessly for being the mature, intelligent, caring, patient partner that I need in my life. 

2019 was also a year of letting go of a lot of friendships, people, and energies that no longer serve me. I realized that I am a wonderful friend who is ready to give support, love, guidance, hugs, and my whole heart to someone who is willing to give all of that back and who is deserving of receiving that from me. Even though I’m in a healthy and happy long-term relationship, I still feel myself holding space in my heart for deep friendships and connections with other people (specifically with women/feminine energy), but I haven’t been able to fill that space since moving to Texas. I miss the friendships I grew up having, and I put a lot of pressure on filling that space for a while, but I realizing forcing it gets me nowhere and a lot of people simply aren’t in a place to be able to reciprocate my energy in a meaningful way. A lot of people are really caught up in their own lives (which is totally understandable), already have other people filling the space for friendship in their lives, or simply aren’t at the level of maturity and growth that I am so they can’t connect with me on a deep level. Making close friends as an adult is way harder, people are just busier, but I really do trust that I will attract the right people and they will come into my life at the right time.

Continuing to expand and grow into my spirituality and spiritual practices by meditating, journaling, listening to podcasts, and practicing yoga has also brought me solace and internal happiness. It’s hard to describe and most people my age/similar to me are really disconnected from having their own authentic beliefs/practices because they either go with what they’re taught or dismiss it altogether. For me, having a career path I find exciting and fulfilling, a stable romantic relationship, healthy friendships, a spiritual practice, and fun hobbies are all areas of my life that I need to satisfy to feel balanced and genuinely happy. Knowing this, and after reflecting on all of these areas within the past year, I’m manifesting the following for each area in 2020, but I also know the Universe knows more than me and things may go differently for a reason (like my poli sci program not working out) so I trust that I will receive this, or something better...

☽ Career — I will get a second job/start a side hustle that will help fund my school and travels this year, I will start learning exciting new things that prepare me for a field/job I’m passionate about, I will secure an internship that pays well and allows me to practice/gain useful skills, I will get scholarships for next school year, I will feel a sense of belonging and make friends in my new program, I will continue learning and exploring different options/opportunities, and I will make connections with people who can mentor me and help me grow into starting my career.  

☽ Relationship — Pavel and I will continue to support, love, and care for each other in all aspects. Our love will continue to grow and flourish as we grow in life together. We will go on adventures that make us feel happy, excited, exhausted and refreshed. We will add to our stories and crazy experiences. We will continue treating each other with love and respect, supporting each others’ growth as individuals while also growing together in a really beautiful way. 

☽ Friendship — I will continue to grow my valuable friendships with people who are on the same wavelength as me. I will have a lot of laughs and good memories with people I care about. I will get deeper into the communities of like-minded people around me (music, yoga). I will find more friends who inspire me and actively support my creative ideas/work. I will develop deeper and more fulfilling friendships with people who reciprocate my energy, and I will extend myself in new ways by being the person I needed for others. 

☽ Spirituality — I will continue practicing meditation and yoga as much as I can. I will also continue to read one book per month and listen to one podcast per week to grow the value in my practice. I will journal and synchronize my self-growth with lunar and astrological cycles, which allows me to tap into my higher power and divine connection with the universe. I will also consider doing a YTT this summer or winter, but regardless I will find outlets to be of assistance to others and give back in this area that has been of such deep value in my life. I will practice breathing, mindfulness, and presence to feel grounded during stressful times. I will get better at protecting my energy and staying rooted in my own positive energy and affirmations (aka, not letting other people’s BS or toxic energy affect me). 

☽ Fun — I will continue going to events that surround me with good energy and good people. I will continue doing what brings me joy, allows me to move and release tension and energy, and that brings me closer with like-minded friends. I will continue to make the incredible trips and experiences I desire a reality by saving money and smart planning. I make more of an effort to bring this good energy with me into my every day by being myself and sharing my laughs and joy with the people around me. I will continue to feed my inner child, my creativity, and my natural human existence on this earth.

I have no doubt that 2020 will continue this amazing momentum and growth that I have cultivated over the past year. I am beyond blissful and grateful for the incredible year I had and all it taught me, but I’m also ready to move forward feeling more prepared, confident, and capable of making everything I can imagine a reality. 

[ograndebatata]

Victor Delgado Headcanons - Part Two

So... after what turned out to be a far lengthier break than I imagined, I’m back with another headcanon post.

I confess, I’m not sure of how fair it is to qualify it as canon post, for one simple reason. 

Due to the fact I wrote many of these headcanons with the series of fics I’m developing in mind, they have become canon-incompatible over time... so now there is a distinction between those which could still be canon compatible and those which specifically apply to my fic universe, which I’ve recently named ‘Tales of the Ever Realm’. 

As such, there are many specific differences from canon, especially in the relationship between Victor and Ash, and the way they got separated, and the way she became a malvaga.

More details on the reasons behind my choice are here:

https://ograndebatata.tumblr.com/post/185329200654/fair-warning-to-my-followers-from-the-elena-of

____

Note: In part one of my Victor headcanons, I described Mrs. Delgado’s/Ash’s/Pluma’s eyes as purple. I describe them as blue here simply because I realized how my initial description was a mistake.

___

Note #2: My sincerest thanks once more to @lostbutterflyutau for her help with her suggestions and feedback regarding many of these, particularly the points that relate to Carla.  

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Note #3: This post deals with a lot of sensitive subjects, such as attempted murder (up to and including attempted murder of a child) and actual successful murder attempts (which granted are in self-defense, but I still thought should make a warning. As such, reader discretion is advised. 

___

So... to anyone still reading this, I hope you enjoy reading these headcanons, even though they’re technically full ‘fanfiction headcanons’ by now, so to speak. 

Click below the cut if you’re interested to read what the first part of Victor’s life was like in my fic universe, from the point he was banished by Shuriki to the point he and his wife got separated. 

Victor Delgado - Part Two - Flexures of fortune

Solo criminal

At first, despite being actually alone for the first time in his life (though he had been metaphorically so for years) Victor was hopeful when it came to his future, and even started dreaming remarkably big for his situation. Granted, his last attempt at a big scheme to gain power, wealth and respect might have gone wrong, but he was still young, and he considered himself a creative sort. Surely if he worked hard enough and was on the lookout for the right chances, something would come up. And once he had a kingdom, he would finally have respect, and more, he would be able to give Pluma much more than he could have if he’d had to share Avalor with Esteban, assuming that Pluma still wanted to be with him.

It would be hard to fault him for lack of optimism, but as he would learn all too soon, optimism by itself is not enough to make plans come to fruition.  

Despite his determination upon being forced to strike out on his own, Victor quickly realized that life as a solo criminal wasn’t everything it was cracked up to be. After all, he now was alone, and as mean as his father and aunt had been to him, they still had at least given him clothes to wear and food to eat, both of which were harder to come by now that he didn’t have anyone to help him along. Also, he was now too old to pull off most of the acts that had enabled him to be so successful when he was younger, which meant that he had to change strategies.

But he was nothing if not adaptable, and after a few months of adjustment, during which he mostly supported himself by working honest jobs that admittedly didn’t pay well but still gave him enough to eat, he managed to find new ways of stealing that still enabled him to both make use of his old skills and properly use his new attributes rather than those he had outgrown.

Unfortunately, a side effect of his new life of stealing was that he could never stay at any place for too long, and he couldn’t afford to do something that amassed too much wealth at once either, lest he have so much money that he wouldn’t be able to keep it when he tried to escape law enforcement or bother someone important enough to be able to send a crack unit after him.

At first, Victor told himself it was meant to be a temporary measure. He would only be a thief until he managed to have a kingdom to call his own. But as years went by without any change in his situation, he started to have a few doubts on whether there was actually any hope of him being more than what he had become - a petty thief forced to rely on lowly schemes just to have food in his mouth.

But the constant lack of desired success wasn’t the worst part about his new life.

The worst part was having lost all touch with Pluma.

No matter how many women he was with during his years on the road, or whatever were his reasons to be with them, he could never stop thinking about her. And the worst part, he could not ever get in touch with her either.

While he had managed to keep the journal she had given him, he had gotten no response from her since the day she wrote to him that she was hunting down her mother’s murderers, still before Shuriki’s takeover. He wrote to her as regularly as he could, but no matter how often he looked for an answer, or how much he tried to wait long enough for her to finish whatever she might be busy with (he imagined tracking down people powerful enough to murder a malvaga would not be easy), she never replied to him.

In the end, Victor had to accept the fact that either she had somehow lost the journal or that she somehow had failed in her attempts at getting revenge and hadn’t been given a second chance.

In either case, it seemed all too unlikely he would ever get to see her again before he left for the afterlife - assuming he would even be given access to wherever she went. He only hoped that she was alright, that she had achieved her goal, and also that her father was alright as well and the two of them had gotten to make amends after their disagreement over revenge.

Much to his amazement, however, life seemed willing to grant him a blessing.

Reunion with paramour

It all started when he was thirty, on a dark night like so many others in his life, at a dank tavern at Rudistan equal to so many others throughout the Ever Realm. Like so many other patrons, Victor had gone there for a reason, but for a different one from most of those who went there. He had a new target in his sights, one of the sort that frequented such places, and one that he would target with a coup that, should it turn out to be successful enough, would enable him to amass enough portable wealth that he would be able to infiltrate a royal court and hopefully start to work his way up to ruling.

Unfortunately, there didn’t seem to be any free tables by the time he got there, and he couldn’t afford to sit at the counter because it would make him too exposed for someone meant to be spying on a target. So he looked for the least busy table he got, and to his surprise, he found one which only had one person - someone who looked like a woman and, more interestingly, seemed to be watching the same man that Victor had his sights set on.

As he had sometimes worked with partners over his twelve years as a thief, Victor decided to seize this chance for a new partnership, got himself a drink, walked over to the table to sit down. The woman at the table turned to him, and told him the table was taken. Victor said it was big enough for both of them, and he had seen what she was doing, and he was open to offering her a partnership, as he was also interested in her mark. Without even bothering to look at him, the woman told him she didn’t need his help - and the sound of her voice caused Victor to gasp. Suddenly alarmed, the woman turned to him, and let out at gasp of her own as Victor recognized her eyes, even with the hood casting a shadow on them. But the moment she pulled her hood back just an edge, as if to make sure her own eyes were not deceiving her, Victor got all the confirmation he needed.

It was Pluma.

Any thoughts about watching his mark or proposing partnerships were instantly forgotten. The first thought both had after getting over their shock was sharing an ecstatic hug, which they barely managed to keep discreet enough not to draw the attention of the whole tavern. Then, after throwing a few coins on the table to pay for their drinks, the two of them walked out and, once they were at Victor’s hiding place, resumed their ecstatic hug free of any restraints, holding each other so tight they would later deem it a wonder that neither of them broke in half.

Victor could scarcely believe it. After not seeing her for twelve years, he had finally found Pluma again, and against his wildest dreams, she was just as happy to see him as he was to see her.

At first, their reunion was nothing but a whirlwind of euphoria. But after it faded, and the two of them started catching up on what they had been up to in the twelve years since they had seen each other, things quickly turned sour.

Pluma was the first, by telling him how she had ended up getting the notebook she had use to write to him destroyed during a magic duel in her hideout that lead to most of her possessions being torched, how she had been trying to get her revenge on the people who had killed her mother, and how she had ended up becoming a malvaga out of the belief it would help her to succeed with her revenge.

For a moment, she seemed afraid that Victor would think poorly of her over such a thing, but Victor reassured her that he wasn’t. Even if she was a malvaga, he was just as happy to be back with her as he would be if she wasn’t.

Victor, in turn, told her how his family had kicked him out, and how he had been living on the road and stealing, and how he was trying to have a kingdom of his own so he could prove to the world that he was more than the idiot his father had always calling him. Despite the sordid details, Pluma was sympathetic to him and did not seem thrown off, but she did ask him what had happened to his family and why they had kicked him out. And when Victor started by saying that they had been kicked out of Avalor by Shuriki, Pluma’s face darkened so much that, for the first time, he saw just how scary an angry and powerful malvago could be.

All the same, he pointed out how he noticed there was something wrong over the reference to Shuriki, and asked if she wanted to talk about it.

Pluma wasn’t shy about doing so. Her eyes already moist, she told him how, a year after she had ran away from home, she had gone back to apologize to her father and make amends with him, only to find the house destroyed and most of their possessions wrecked or gone. Worse than that, she had found that Avalor was now ruled by Shuriki - who was what she called a daemonfirma - who had banished or killed all other magic practitioners in the kingdom.

One of those Shuriki had killed was her father. Worse than that, she had him horribly tortured after she managed to overpower him, to the point he had died from the actual torture rather than from being struck down in a duel. Pluma knew so from the images Shuriki had shown her before trying to kill her too. While Pluma had quickly responded in kind, Shuriki was too powerful for her, and she had only managed to escape because, in her words, her best friend had sacrificed himself for her and bought her just enough time to escape.

It had been one of her motivations to become a malvaga - she wanted to kill Shuriki just as much as she wanted to kill the bastards who had killed her mother. And while her second attempt (which she made right after she had gone as far as she could on her malvaga training) had failed as well, she was determined to do so someday.

Victor was horrified. In his euphoria over seeing Pluma again, he had completely forgotten about her father and his fear he could have been one of those Shuriki had killed. And now, he realized the man had drawn the shortest straw, as he had not only been killed but had been tortured first. Victor briefly thought that he didn’t remember Shuriki killing any wizard who looked like he could have been Pluma’s father, much less Shuriki singling out any wizard or malvago to torture to death, but he guessed she must have found a few stray ones after banishing him and had made a further example of at least one of those just to really prove that she wasn’t to be messed with.

And he simply couldn’t keep his emotions off of his face at the realization.

As she noticed that, it was Pluma’s turn to press for details, and while ordinarily Victor’s first impulse in such a situation would be to lie, he found out that he simply couldn’t. No matter what happened from them on, he simply couldn’t lie to her. He wanted to have a real relationship with her, not one based on lies.

So he told her the truth.

At first, Pluma did nothing but stare at him in shock. Then she growled at him to go away. He tried to say he was sorry, but she only growled at him to go away once more, her icy blue eyes so chilling that her gaze alone looked like it could kill.

Victor relented, completely heartbroken, and went into a nearby tavern to drown his sorrows. But he couldn’t touch his drink. He could only think about the role he had played in what had happened to Pluma’s father and to her best friend. Being partially responsible for King Raul’s and Queen Lucia’s death had been bad enough, and the added guilt over all the magic practitioners Shuriki had killed was far from easy either (though he had been able to live with both) but this was a hundred times worse. To know he had unwittingly hurt Pluma to such a degree was nothing short of horrible.

And, he realized, this meant the end for any relationship they could have had. He would have to tell her goodbye again just as soon as he’d been able to say hello.

By the end of the night, Victor had not even touched his drink, but he had come to a decision - he had to apologize to Pluma. She might not take his apologies, and she might want to never see him again, but he had to apologize to her, and let her know that, despite everything else, he was genuinely sorry for what had happened to her father and her best friend.

But just as he left the tavern, he had a gag wrapped around his mouth from behind and then a bag was shoved over his eyes and then ropes were tied around his body, before he was hoisted off the floor.

He was too confused to catch everything that happened next, but after what felt like an eternity, he was at last thrown onto a wooden floor, the bag removed from his head and the gag torn away from his mouth. He saw himself face to face with two men in strange black robes with very unusual head covers, and froze in fear. Pluma had told him enough about her mother’s murderers for him to recognize two members of their group when he saw them.

Despite himself, he tried to put on a brave front, claiming that whatever it was they wanted from him, they wouldn’t get it. But one of them told him that he was wrong. They would get what they wanted from him, namely for “Ash” - who he guessed must be how they thought Pluma was called, or even her real name - to come looking for him so that they could kill her - for good this time, they said. Victor taunted them about their lack of intelligence if they had done such a poor job on the first time, but the second man told him that this time would be different. This time, they would be ready for her.

Victor tried as well as he could to keep taunting them back, determined to go down fighting in that way if it was the only option available to him, but the two men kept taunting him back.

After what felt like an eternity, something within the two men shifted, one of them drew knife, and asked Victor “Any last words?”

Before Victor could reply, a familiar voice shouted a spell, and the two men were knocked away from him. As they did, he saw Pluma standing behind them with her tamborita thrust out, a look of cold anger on her face. Then, she tapped her tamborita again, and Victor’s bindings snapped loose, but Pluma didn’t have time to direct him more than a relieved glance before she focused on the two dazed men. Then, before Victor’s eyes, she used her magic to slam one of them headfirst into the ground so hard that she caved his skull in, and then draw the other’s knife and sink it into  his chest.

Only then, did she ask Victor if he was alright. Victor replied that he was, even as he was overwhelmed by the whirlwind of contradictory emotions. On one hand, Pluma had just killed people, something that Victor, despite his own living as a criminal, had never done. More than that, even though she didn’t seem proud of it, she didn’t seem to be particularly affected by it either. But at the same time, she had done so because they meant to kill him, and what was more, for her to be here, it meant that she had been looking for him. And if she had saved him, that meant - he hoped - that she didn’t hate him.

As if reading everything he was feeling in his eyes, Pluma told him that they could talk later, but for now they needed to cover their tracks. Almost with too much ease for his own likes, Victor set about arranging the scene to look like everything had been the result of a robbery gone wrong, directing Pluma to use her magic in certain ways on the spots that required an ‘extra touch’ that couldn’t be easily applied through regular means.

Once they had left the scene, packed their stuff, and gotten a safe distance away, Pluma looked him in the eye and asked, “Why did you do it?”

Victor told her the truth. About how Shuriki had approached him with her offer. About how he had wanted so much to prove to his family that he could be more than the idiot who’d never amount to anything. About how he had wanted to give her more than what he would have been able to give her if he had just stayed as he was. About how, after he had learned about her mother’s murder, he had thought that taking over Avalor would give him the means he needed to help her catch her mother’s murderers. And how he had believed Shuriki when she promised him that no one would get hurt.

It was a very much fumbled explanation, where he put his foot in his mouth more than once and where he stammered at every five or six sentences. But when he was done, Pluma told him the sweetest words she had ever told him.

“I forgive you.”

At his continuing amazement, she told him how she understood where he had been coming from, and believed him when he said that he had never actually meant to hurt, much less kill anyone, and was even kind of touched he had been keeping her in mind. Granted, she didn’t think takeovers should be the go-to option, but she had considered going there herself if that was what it took to avenge her parents (though she intended to only take over a kingdom ruled by a tyrant). And more than everything, she was touched that he had been honest to her from the get-go rather than try to hide it and only let the truth out once she confronted him with it.

All the same, she told him that he’d better learn from the experience and think very well before getting up to such nonsense again.

Victor told her, “I promise you, Pluma.” before adding, “Or should I call you Ash?”

At her puzzled frown, he explained that those men had called her Ash, and he assumed how that was her real name. She replied that it was the name she had given herself once she started walking down her path of revenge.

Victor felt it might be pushing his luck… but all the same, he asked if he could know her real name. She answered him that it was Seentahna.

He thanked her for it, and then they headed off to a different kingdom until things settled down.

Later, Victor’s ironic side would remark what a waste his stay there had been as far as achieving personal goals went, but Victor ignored it. He had reunited with Pluma - which she said he could keep calling her, as she liked him calling her that - they were together without any kind of secret getting in the way of their relationship, and they were making plans for a shared future.

And for Victor, that was worth more than having all of the Ever Realm to himself.

Love, marriage, and the baby in a baby carriage

Despite the admittedly rocky beginning, Victor and Pluma barely had any problem learning to work together as a team. Before either knew it, they were working together as easily as if they had done nothing else before. They plotted their heists together, shared the profits equally, and made equal plans for them both. And together, the two of them could achieve considerably more success than either had ever been able to on their own. Pluma could bring literal new tricks to the table that enabled Victor to go places that he hadn’t thought possible before, and Victor himself had enough knowledge on the workings of the dark side of society and kingdoms in general that he could give Seentahna a few helpful tips on where to go and what to do and how to hide their tracks better.

Nevertheless, their increase in success eventually came to a standstill, and their plan to take over a kingdom and avenge Pluma’s parents stopped progressing.

In an effort to give them more of an edge, Pluma tried  to teach Victor magic, but while he had no problem with the theory, the practical side turned out to be impossible. Apparently, dark magic of the malvago variety was very difficult to learn from scratch, and while Pluma hadn’t been born a malvaga (even though both her parents were malvagos) she had become a malvaga since Victor had last seen her. She did try to teach Victor the ‘good brand’ of magic, but she had even less results there. Perhaps it had to do with being unable to teach it on a practical level - she could recall both her parents having a bit of the same problem when they taught her magic. Or perhaps Victor’s character just wasn’t the ‘right one’ to be able to learn the ‘good brand’ of magic, even if he wasn’t a wholly bad person. Worse, while she was very powerful and very competent at magic, she was just a smidge below the level of power and competence required to perform the advanced malvago spell of turning another person into a malvago, which could give Victor a much helpful headstart when it came to magic.

Both were upset at that, but Victor never held it against Pluma. Surely she would be powerful enough to master that spell eventually. And even if she didn’t, at least they were still together. That would always be the most important thing.

And they still managed to have a happy relationship. In between their criminal heists and their trips from place to place, they did more than simply talk about planning crimes or travelling between kingdoms. They would practice their skills, they would go out on dates, and they would talk about what to do once their goals were achieved and they could settle down. And while neither of them was willing to settle down just yet, and they knew it would be dangerous for them to have children with the kind of life they were living, they both did want to actually get married, and perhaps even have children once they managed to achieve their goals.

Eventually, their relationship progressed to the stage where they both wanted to do that, and about three years after their reunion, they became Victor and Seentahna Delgado, at an actual wedding ceremony with an actual priest. In an incredible display of how fate seemed to be granting them a reprieve, Victor found an old friend - one of the pirates he’d travelled with more than twenty years before, who had since gone straight - to serve as his witness, while Pluma asked one of her old school friends to be her witness.

Besides them actually being married, hardly anything changed. They kept travelling, they kept trying to find ways of achieving their goals, and they remained at the same point they had stopped that. Yes, they still had plenty of happiness, and yes, their relationship was surviving, but still, it was hard to be the two of them against the world, even with all of Pluma’s magic.

Unil one day, when things did change.

As careful as they were regarding their decision to not have children - and regardless of the fact their caution paid off for a long time - the day came when Pluma found out she was pregnant, about ten years after they got married.

Victor felt nothing short of horrified at the prospect. For one, knowing he had been responsible for his mother’s death made him worried sick he might just as easily be responsible for Pluma’s by having a child with her. For another, having no good actual parental examples to draw from left him no frame of reference  to be a good father. What if he turned out to be as much of a bastard to his future child as his father and aunt and stepmother had been to him?

It was his wife who, in the end, soothed those fears. No matter what would happen, she reassured him that the decision to have this child was as much hers as it was his’, and that despite whatever his lack of capacity to learn ‘good magic’ could mean, she knew he had enough good qualities to be a good father to their child.

As her pregnancy, Victor tried his best to make sure her words would come true. After they both ‘semi retired’ from their life of crime and settled into a cottage at Cordoba, Victor started growing a garden for them, while doing his best to earn money for them through working honest odd jobs (if sometimes engaging in a bit of small crime when he just had to), and also doing his best to be there for Pluma, sometimes to overbearing levels. If she let out the tiniest sigh, he’d bring a chair to her or get down on all fours if there was nothing for her to sit on. If she let out the tiniest whimper, he’d immediately stand behind her to support her even as he tried to keep the touch feather light. They ended up having more than a few minor arguments over it, and it took time for them to find the right balance. But even at their worst, they never had a truly nasty spat, and by the time Pluma was in her sixth month of pregnancy, they managed to settle into a rhythm.

What Victor couldn’t settle was his fears, neither the one that Pluma would die or that he would be a horrible father to their son or daughter.

When the time arrived, despite those fears, Victor insisted on being there with Pluma, to the mild amazement of the midwife, as in Cordoba it was not usual for husbands to be there when their wives gave birth, although it was not totally unheard of. But Pluma wanted him there, and Victor wanted to be there. If the worst came to pass, he didn’t want her to die with only a stranger for company. And if the bastards who were after them decided to choose that time to strike, he’d need to defend her when she was in a vulnerable position.

To Victor’s immeasurable relief, the birth went by just about as smoothly and quickly as a childbirth could go. There was no imminent risk to Pluma’s life, no imminent risk to the child, and more important, no bastards stormed the place to get revenge. And Victor knew when he held their newborn daughter after having cleaned her up himself that he had never seen any sight more awe-inspiring.

If he had to pick any kind of downside, it was how at one point Pluma started crying after Victor handed her their newly cleaned newborn daughter, which made him think he had done something wrong. But even that one was fleeting, because when he asked what was the matter, Pluma simply replied in a whisper, “She has my mother’s eyes.”

Not knowing what to say to that, Victor simply put one arm over his wife’s shoulders and his free hand to the blanket their daughter was wrapped in. And that moment became their first memory as a family.

The end of happiness

Although they had both read about the troubles of adjusting to having a baby in their lives, and Victor remembered some of it first hand from when his half-sister had been a baby, actually living out the experience of being parents to their daughter, who they named Carla, was still a great deal different.

Victor, despite his vows not to become such, couldn’t help but be deathly afraid that, no matter how hard he tried, he would be doomed to ending up like his father, who had never been anything like a father to him as far as actual emotional ties went. And whenever Carla started crying if he was the one holding her, he couldn’t help but be afraid she was sensing some kind of ‘darker instinct’ within him and responding to it by wanting to get away from him. More than once, Pluma had to reassure him that no, Carla did not hate him, and no, he wasn’t being anything like his bastard of a father was.

Despite his awkwardness, Victor never tried to run away from being a father or to delegate any task to Pluma out of sheer laziness or unwillingness to handle things… and over time, they managed to figure things out on their own.

But a somewhat hectic period returned when Carla became two, and suddenly started trying to get her hands on her mother’s tamborita at every half chance she got, because she liked watching it glow when it was tapped and the magic it made. It was not an easy problem to solve, but Pluma managed to work around that by eventually crafting a toy tamborita that glowed and made sparks whenever Carla tapped it, thus leaving her ‘satisfied enough’, for the time being.

As he slowly got into the rhythm of being a father, Victor became able to tell that, for the first time in years, he was by and large happy and at peace with what he had. And he could tell Pluma felt the same way.

Unfortunately, the period of peace came to an end.

It ended on a spring day, when the two of them were one of several families going for a picnic at a park in Cordoba. Victor and Pluma were having a great time enjoying the food and the sun as they watched Carla playing with her toys. But all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a bad feeling came over both of them… and as they looked around the park, they noticed here and there that some isolated hikers or people having picnics seemed to be moving into all-too-strategic positions.

Just as suddenly, one of them moved, and Victor barely managed to pull Carla out of the path of a knife that had been thrown at her as Pluma fired a magic blast at the man who had thrown it, sending him flying like a ragdoll until he landed with his limbs and neck at unnatural angles. Victor immediately understood what this meant - the people who had been after Pluma were still trying to catch her and kill her, and were all too willing to drag him and Carla down as well.

That was all he had time to think before at least ten men converged onto them. Three of them drew magical wands of various types and turned to Pluma, while the others turned to Victor and tried to get him and Carla. Victor and Pluma fought them both off as well as they could, but there were just too many of them, and the royal guards of Cordoba were not arriving, even though the fact everyone else had fled the park should be a sign that something was wrong.

Eventually, Pluma told him that she would hold them off while he escaped with Carla. Victor tried to refuse - he simply couldn’t leave her alone to face them, especially when she would likely die, but she told him he had to keep their daughter safe. As Pluma again got a trio of men away from them, she told him to take Carla and run, while she held off the bastards. Victor tried to inquire about her well being, but she only told him she’d catch up to them if she could… and if she couldn’t, she was glad for all the happiness they had both given her.

Victor tried to refuse to leave her, but barely managed to dodge an arrow fire at him from a crossbow as Pluma again shouted at him to run.

Heartbroken beyond measure, Victor could only nod, even as he tearfully told her, “I love you.”

The only reply he got was a roar of “Run!”

So he did.

He got on one of the horses they had used to come to the park and rode away as fast as he could, already coming up with a plan to get rid of any of their pursuers who got past Pluma. He rode off toward the nearest cliff, hid the horse, and made it seem like he and Carla had thrown themselves off the nearest cliff, while waiting nearby to see who would come for them, and doing his best to keep Carla quiet, which was no easy feat given how scared she was. The only reason she probably wasn’t bursting into tears was because she was still clutching her toy tamborita to her chest.

Less than a minute after he had finished rigging things, two men came for them, one of them clearly a wizard, the other not. As they looked at the cliff and tried to work out what to do, Victor gathered himself, raised a stone, and threw it at the wizard’s head. The chunk of rock hit his head with the sound of a cracking nut, and the man fell over, dead. Meanwhile, the other man turned on Victor, and the two of them started a fight, which only ended when Victor managed to steal the other man’s knife and sink it into the man’s stomach.

As the man let out his last breath, Victor barely managed to control his churning stomach. He had just killed people. Yes, they had been nasty, especially given their willingness to kill a toddler, but still… they had been human beings, and he just sent them to the only place no one could come back from.

But at the same time, he wasn’t sorry he’d managed to protect his daughter, and, somewhat disturbingly, he knew he’d do it again if that was what it took to keep her safe.

As he got himself together, Victor organized things to make it seem like the two men had killed one another during a scuffle. As unlikely as it would be for the trick to work a second time, it was the only thing Victor could think of.

Once he was done there, he tried to go back to their home, keeping under the radar as much as possible, in the hopes Pluma would go there. Their house was mostly intact, but it was absolutely ransacked, with most of their belongings taken. Thankfully, the hideouts where Pluma kept her most important files on magic had not been touched, so Victor took the most important of those out, while leaving just one page behind so she could use it for a tracking spell, gathered what little was in the home was still salvageable, and then set off with his daughter on the horse, hoping with all his heart that Pluma was alright and she would catch up to them as soon as possible.

On a logical level, that seemed as unlikely as the sky turning yellow. But in his heart, he just knew Pluma was alright, and hoped that someday, they would be together again.

[medicslacks]

Applying To Medical School Series- Part Three: Writing A Personal Statement For Medical School. A Guide For Those Who Have No Idea Where To Begin.

Medical school personal statements are all kind of similar when you get right down to it, what makes you stand out is what you learned from it. You’re trying to show them that even though all 500 people whose personal statements they’ve looked through that day have had the same experiences, you’re the one who loves the idea of being a doctor so much, you went home and reflected/ did extra reading/ used the experiences to do something MORE than everyone else did.

Paragraph 1- Why do you want to study medicine? Personal experiences? Interest in science and helping people? You read Atul Gawande’s latest book? It doesn’t matter if it sounds cliche, this is basically just a lead in to the personal statement. Also for the love of all that is holy do not make a typo in your intro paragraph. They have to cut people out somehow and if you’re not even going to bother spellchecking your FIRST PARAGRAPH then it just makes it easy to cut you.

My own personal advice would be to stay away from quotes, especially of the inspirational kind -_- It’s just a bit lame. But I mean, if you REALLY are DYING to use one... then who am I to stop you? It’s just a personal preference. Just as seeing ‘The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat’ mentioned is a personal grievance I have when I’m checking personal statements. 

Paragraphs 2 and 3 are interchangeable. I would say the Academic paragraph first if you’re applying to more Traditional courses and Work Experience first if you’re applying to more PBL courses, or courses that have Clinical Experience built in from the Pre-Clinical years. 

Either way, you’re telling a story. Either “I did this work experience and it made me love the work doctors do, but I realise it is very academically rigorous and hello- hi- I have the brains too, please take me.” or “Hi there, I love science so much that I’m doing all this extra academic stuff just because it’s interesting but you know what? I also actually want to use my kick-ass scientific genius to help humanity. So I did some work experience and discovered that you know who else likes to use their kick-ass scientific genius to help humanity? DOCTORS! So yeah, please take me.”

Paragraph 2/3- Academic. I personally did talk about my A-Level subjects, and how I personally felt either that they were teaching me things that would be useful as a doctor (the ability to recognise patterns and adapt them to fit specific scenarios- as in maths), to just things I found interesting and hence did extra reading/ research in (multiple sclerosis in biology- I mentioned that I’d read papers about the latest research at the time which suggested it might be a disease of lipid metabolism and then that I was so interested I decided to look into the work that Pathologists do and how this enlightened me to just how much VARIETY there is in the fields of medicine)

Paragraph 3/2- Work Experience. So this flowed on from my mentioning the Pathology lab work I did. The danger in this paragraph is making it sound like a list. I’ve checked hundreds of personal statements over the years and this happens time and time again. Nobody cares where you did it, or who you did your work experience with or even how long you did it for. They care what you saw while you were there, and what you learned from what you saw. Talk about a particular patient that stood out to you and really made you feel the realities and impacts of working with patients, talk about qualities you saw in the doctors which inspired you, talk about the day to day work the doctors do with other healthcare professionals and how the teamwork and communication skills required made you realise it’s not all about the academics, but about becoming the type of person we all want our doctors to be. 

I understand though, kids, work experience in hospitals/ in GP practices can be a pain and a half to get. If you can wrangle any at all. Especially if you don’t know anyone who is a doctor and can maybe sidestep a few regulatory blockades for you. 

In that case, flip the switch. Instead of talking about what you saw and hence what qualities you learned doctors need, say that you realise it isn’t all about academics and that you know doctors need to develop certain personal qualities... and then talk about what you’ve done to develop those. Jobs, volunteering, working with vulnerable people (the elderly, children, people with disabilities) travelling, working within your religious community, student council positions etc.. I wouldn’t talk about hobbies and interests, work experience is all about how you interact with people- colleagues and the general public- in a slightly more professional setting, and the skills developed as a result. 

This leads smoothly onto

Paragraph 4- Extracurriculars. I think there are three reasons this is important: 

1- Medicine requires a lot of multitasking. Can you handle doing 10 things at the same time while still having 50 other things that need to be done though you’ve cleverly prioritised them as less important than the first 10? 

2- Medicine is a long course that can at times be unbearably stressful. How are you going to relax? They don’t want you to burn out in the first term. What do you enjoy doing? Have you become a well-rounded person who actually wants to do medicine for life and so knows they need to maintain a life outside of just studying?

3- If the university takes you, they want to know you’re going to enjoy, appreciate and give back to the university community. Will you be continuing any sports? Any volunteering? Fundraising? Creative pursuits? 

It’s also a brilliant way to shoehorn in a load of “Qualities of a Doctor” you couldn’t mention in your work experience paragraph and how you’ve been developing and working on these traits in your own time, while still having fun.

Again, make sure you’re not just listing things like “I did this because I know doctors have to be that, I also did this and that because doctors also have to be those.” Talk with some passion about your interests and hobbies. This is a paragraph where you can really give them a glimpse of your personality and the kind of person you are, and will be if you are given a place at their university. 

I’m sure you’re great. Prove it!

Paragraph 5- One last thing you love about the idea of being a doctor and hence why you’d love the opportunity to study it at university. Your conclusion doesn’t need to be particularly deep or interesting. But what’s one thing you really look forward to about being a doctor in the long-term? Why do you really want to study medicine? For me, it was (and still is) the constant, lifetime challenge and thrill of learning more every single day- and then being able to use this to help others. 

Tell them what it is for you. 

------------------------------------------

Well. That was long. I hope it helped. Feel free to send me an Ask if you have any other questions. 

[anodyne-sunflower]

Neptune-BalemxReader (Request)

A/N: Balem is ridiculous, and makes it hard to enjoy the Christmas spirit. So picking a plot for him was a challenge lol Also, this takes care of another request...for a reaction I wouldn’t consider very ‘Balem’ but fun to write ;)

MOOD MUSIC: Battlefield by Svrcina

***

A strong-willed woman, that’s what it took, and Balem would find himself incapable of denying you even the smallest of requests. He could not fathom how low he had sunk on his own personal view of people, but who was he to find fault in the love he held for you. As far as he could remember, you had undeniably hooked him into your world and refused to let go. Breaking down each barrier of his brash personality, until all that was left was a ruler who found his one weakness in the form of a gorgeous earthling.

“No.”

“Balem-“ The Primary growled deeply in his throat, almost a purr of annoyance that you had sensed building. He was a stubborn man, but you knew better than to give up on the first try with him. “My dear husband...”

Balem’s inquisitive eyes fell upon your figure, voyaging over the curve of your tempting hip and stopping just when those pretty lips came into his view. He could play this game with you, pretend you had little to no effect over him, but that would be disastrous by the end of it. It was unlikely he was even able to feign such a display, because those pleading eyes of yours were enough to earn a ‘yes’ from him. “Very well....” By now his tone had lost some of its potency, but it would be in bad taste to immediately destroy the aloof reputation he had built himself. He couldn’t have his staff bare witness to these softer moments with you, and judging by the curious stares of his advisor he already felt that part of his life ending.

“Mr. Night,” Balem stared icily towards the splice, not appreciating the way he lingered behind him like some child awaiting permission. The intimate moments he shared with you would remain behind closed doors, and he intended for that rule to apply to the throne room as well. “Do not stand there like some fool-!”

“You can go, Mr. Night.” Your palm fell over Balem’s clenched fist, acting as an instant calmative for the rage filled man. It was endearing how quarrelsome he could become under the scrutiny of his staff, but you suspected being the intimidating ruler of planets could make anyone testy. “You really shouldn’t be so cruel, Balem.” You waited until the rest of the servants left the throne room, knowing he’d be better off to receive your affections that way. “If you really don’t want to go then-“

“You’re a bothersome woman.” Balem scoffed in frustration, crossing his arms as he took a seat back on his hovering throne. You knew better than to take his words seriously in this instance, but it still made you pout down at him. Call it a sweet revenge, but you took advantage of the influence you had over him.

“I only asked for one thing...don’t be so melancholy.” Your fingers tugged gently on the ends of your dress, lifting it up and out of the way as you took a seat on his lap. Despite his initial cold shoulder, you still felt the brush of his fingertips on your lower back, softly massaging the skin that was bare from the dip of your gown. “Do you really not want to go?”

“Hm.” It was barely a reply, but you understood him well enough to know that his simple remarks meant he was caving to your desires.

“Oh, thank you!” With a relieved sigh, you tangled your arms around his neck, kissing his cheek happily and leaving him to gripe about the upcoming trip as you went away to pack.

***

“Neptune?! I thought we agreed we would go to earth? You said that-“

“Earth, Neptune...it’s all the same.” Balem shrugged your exasperation off, his shortened nails tapping away at the rim of his wine glass. He was in no fine spirits to be traveling away from Jupiter, as he usually was, but for you he was willing to make the small sacrifice. He hated most planets, they were often over populated, and the customs changed so frequently he never had time to register what was going on. He relied heavily on his advisor to notify him of such trivial details, but if he had to pick one planet he found tolerable alongside Jupiter, it would be Neptune. It was cold, desolate, and held a peaceful silence he was proud to call his own. He may have promised you a trip for the holidays, a Christmas tradition you forced upon him, but he was under no obligation to make it on earth.

“You stubborn, bull-headed, man!” Was it really so much to expect him to keep his word? He was always so skilled at deceiving his business rivals, you felt he might be transferring those ideals to his marriage. “One Christmas, just one, that’s all I wanted. Back home where people actually decorate, make hot chocolate, sing carols, and exchange gifts!” There was no use covering up your disappointment, and in hindsight you were being rather childish about it. But you were homesick, as anyone would get during the holidays. All you wished was for one Christmas abroad, and to delight in the extravagant traditions earth offered.

“You begged me for a winter, and now you have it.” Balem muttered back to you, gesturing to the white landscape below as his clipper descended onto the docking bay. “Neptune is forever in a state of endless snowstorms. You have your wish, my queen. Do not presume to ask me for more.”

Balem was not an easy man to be married to, but you loved him anyway. However, your forgiving nature didn’t extend to trickery and lies, or his terrible attitude on most things. Christmas was your favorite time of year, and having to brave the boring atmosphere of Jupiter for one more year would’ve been hell. “You are selfish, Balem! I hope you enjoy your solitude, because I’m,” With a displeased demeanor, you grabbed your pale blue cloak from the bed and stormed out of his clipper chambers, barely acknowledging him on your way out. “Going out and enjoying what I can of this foreign place you’ve brought me.” Drama wasn’t your talent, but being with Balem sometimes brought that out in you. Mainly when you wanted to get away and deal with your conflicting emotions on your own. Or, if you were being perfectly honest, to gain some sympathy from your husband.

“Y/N.” Balem rose from his seat, debating whether to chase after you or let you simmer in your anger. He despised conversations about feelings, but he couldn’t deny the small pang of grief he felt at your departure. “Wait...” He grumbled to himself, cursing the gods for ever letting him fall victim to his heart’s passions.

The ship came to a halt on the docks, anchoring to the metal and releasing the ramp for you to exit. You could feel Balem’s presence looming behind you, but in your sour mood it wasn’t worth giving him the time of day now. “That awful...handsome, petulant man...” To say it was difficult to insult your husband would be an understatement, because he brought you more joy than headaches in the past years. However, today he was on your list of people you wanted to slap upside the head for their unbecoming behavior. “I swear.”

You greeted Mr. Night on your way out, smiling when he fussed over you staying warm whilst exploring about. You had never set foot on Neptune before, but the minute you looked out at the sea of white in front of you, your heart nearly stopped from the grand scenery. It was stunningly beautiful, sparkling white in the soft glow of the sun that beamed from so far away. There was very little light that was given to the planet, but regardless of that fact, you were amazed at how gorgeous it looked. Darkened trees dotted the horizon, the lakes frozen over and proving even prettier upon closer inspection. If ever there was a winter wonderland, it was this. The odd part was, that it angered you, because not only had he specifically chosen a planet that would perfectly capture what you wanted, but he went out of his way to even agree to travel. It sounded immature and petty, but you liked to actually stay mad at him for once. Instead of finding out his selfish nature was actually him just working around what you had requested of him.

With a small groan of annoyance, you finally trekked into the snow. The chill of it running up to your knees and causing you to smile in fondness of your childhood memories. You had missed such weather, and knowing Neptune was in a perpetual state of winter made you warm with joy. Unfortunately, the holiday spirit was meant to be shared with your hotheaded husband, who didn’t seem to be following you any longer. “Merry Christmas, to me...” You sullenly whispered, stopping at a stone archway that was covered in iced over vines. The path lead down into the valley, where an enchanting castle stood alone on the hill surrounded by old metal gates and plants that had withered away without proper care. Even then, it still looked elegant to you, and the more you thought it over the more you were willing to spend your vacation here.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” His dark voice trailed into your mind, making you turn around and come face to face with him in his brooding company.

“Yes.” There was more descriptive words you could’ve used to explain your love for this place, but Balem would’ve been smug about it. Something you weren’t willing to fully put up with just yet. “It is.”

Balem sighed heavily, picking up on your cold shoulder and not wanting to further the wrath you had developed against him. Normally he’d be fine with the silence, but the sentimental half of him loathed your aloofness towards him. “My flower.” He eagerly reached for you, ignoring your gentle resistance of his touch when he tugged you into his arms.

He stayed silent, but you felt the love he harbored for you through his embrace. The warmth that came with his hold, it was comforting to your frustrated soul, and even if you still wanted to bite back for his irritable ways you allowed him the proximity. “You’re still in trouble, Balem.”

The Primary smirked at your weak threat, burying his nose into your hair and drinking in the heavy scent of your perfume. It provided its own pleasure for him, and if this was the events Christmas would bring in the future, he was happy to play along next time. “Will this palace suffice?”

The answer, was an obvious yes, but you weren’t going to satisfy his ego with it just yet. He could wait to hear how much you adored him for bringing you to Neptune. Especially when all you wanted to do now was hurry inside and bask in the heat of the fireplace that undoubtedly adorned the castle walls. “Balem,” You pulled away from him, still staying within his hold as you gazed lovingly up at the Primary. He looked devilishly handsome against the backdrop of winter, the distinguished gold and black cloak he wore emitting a kingly vibe. If it wasn’t for your vengeful side, you’d of enthusiastically dragged him into his winter palace and spent Christmas locked in his heated embrace. But that special gift could wait until you got precisely what you wanted. “Do you love me?”

The inquiry caught him off guard, his eyebrow raising in suspicion as he stared curiously down at you. “Little bird,” he warned, scowl growing deep when you simply smiled up at him. He couldn’t gauge what your plan was, but he assumed you wished for nothing more than his suffering. Dramatic as it was, he was not capable of voicing the extent of his adoration of you. “Do not-“

“Answer me, Balem.” You prodded him for a confession, even when you knew he loved you deeper than anything else in his life. You valued actions above words most days, but on the rare occasion, you rather enjoyed hearing him admit it. Nothing screamed payback like watching the most powerful man succumb to his woman.

Balem could not comprehend why you’d burden him with this nonsense, and truthfully he just wanted to whisk you away into the castle and find more creative ways to keep warm. But that determined stare of yours was making him feel a vulnerability he wasn’t accustomed to, and he hated every minute of it. “I...” He muttered, brow furrowing in distaste of this topic. Courting you was the most romantic side of him you’d likely ever witness. He had hoped, in vain, that you’d be satisfied with that outcome. Only now, it would appear otherwise. “This is nonsense, enough of it.”

Balem gently shoved you aside, his mind set on leaving this foolish conversation behind. He had better things to attend to than placate the sentiments of your earthling heart. “Come, I’ll have the servants build us a fire. We’ll have dinner together.”

It was his way of showing you just how much you meant to him, you were aware of that. And you couldn’t help but smile at his discomfort over the topic of love. He was never going to be an open person, but you were his wife, and you intended to tease him about it until the end of your days. “Balem, just say it. It won’t kill you.” You hooked your arm around his, leaning your head happily against his shoulder as you walked along the snowy path and towards the palace gates.

“I said enough.” His words were straight and to the point, laced in a discontent that made you giggle madly. He could be curt all he wanted, because when you glanced up and saw that heated trail of pink along his cheeks you knew you had won this time.

***

A/N: In case it wasn’t obvious, the request was for ‘Balem blushing’. Not a very realistic reaction for the ass, but I tried to put him into a position where I thought maybe, just maybe, he’d blush lol So, hope it was decent 🤷🏻‍♀️

[vroenis]

Turn Up And Play One Game

This is going to require setting a bunch of preconditions so you’re going to have to be quite patient with me. As you read this piece, I want you to try and remember these things. Remembering them may not be a problem for you, perhaps it’s a problem for me as I write and maybe that can be your framing as an introduction. If I was able to post this in a spreadsheet and freeze these points so they were stickied at the top, I would, and it’d be a very me thing to do, but that probably wouldn’t otherwise be conducive to reading linear text intended for an audience and reduce what little readership this is already likely to get to zero so let’s not, and by let’s I mean me.

The things I want you to try and keep in mind are;

I am ASD and for the most part present competently in social situations (carefully worded for reasons to be explained - stay with me).

I am bipolar 2 and present very competently in social situations (the delineation between the two behaviours is important).

I am genderqueer and femme-presenting male.

I took roughly 2 and a half years off from teaching and playing board games, running groups and events etc. due to burnout.

Unfortunately we’re not done yet - I know, but I think it’s all important but I’m not sure, I hope it is.

The reason I worded the qualifier for how my ASD behaviour presents the way I did is that I don’t want to use the reductive term “high functioning”. I haven’t done any reading on it yet, but I feel it really *is* reductive and tempts both the writer and reader to be prescriptive instead of descriptive. I’ve now used more words (and more here, now) but I think they’re needed. Function with Autism is a tricky thing. In a lot of contemporary writing, both by those with Autism and by those researching it, there’s commentary on outsiders making remarks of “oh but you don’t look or seem Autistic” or “you were less Autistic today” and this is some very unhelpful framing and perception of Autism from our experience of living with it. So what I mean by what I wrote is, 

it may not be apparent by my behaviour that I’m Autistic, and for the most part, I have learnt the social mores of interacting with others in order for socialising to be more or less frictionless.

It’s something I suspect many ASD folks at various capacities develop over time. It also means that often we spend a lot of extra energy on the labour of socialising. That’s no-one’s fault (for the most part - I’ll get to that hopefully, if I remember), it’s just a fact of our lives. I do use the term Our very carefully, and I apologise for speaking for other ASD people. I should speak only for my own experience. The labour of interaction doesn’t always come a great cost to me, but sometimes it does.

I’ve had my bipolar 2 diagnosis for longer so I’ve been educating myself about it for longer. While I currently have no pharmaceutical treatment for Autism, I’ve been on and off and currently on meds for bipolar for much longer, so I have much more experience managing it. In the past it has been impossible for me to understand anything about my own behaviour but slowly over time I’m beginning to develop skills in identifying components of each condition, what I can do about them and the many... many things I can do to navigate life.

That is a lot of management, as I have no doubt many of you will understand all too well. We do this on top of the rigours of life, in addition to the same concerns everyone carries. 

This is why nothing, nothing ever... is easily dismissible as just an “oh well...” “just a bad experience...” “you’ll just have to...” “next time just...” “don’t worry about it, next time...”

I feel like the “just...” isn’t so easy for us, or to be specific, for me.

By the way we’re still in the preamble. Hopefully by the end of this I’ll be able to focus on outcomes but I don’t know how emotional I’m going to get when I plunge into it. I realise what I’m probably doing is priming myself for the text to come and were I to actually edit this, a lot would be cut but I don’t have that luxury and I want all of this to stay in. It’s important to me and hopefully the context will become clear. My last primer is to set out to write about 3 distinct interactions;

The first and bulk of the text - not all bad but prolonged and thus harrowing

The second - unclear but ultimately terrible

The third - joyful

A Pub/Bar Is Not An Appropriate Place To Learn And Then Teach A Board Game

I’m going to begin with some paraphrased commentary I’ve thrown around several times before;

In board games culture, the social norm of over-reliance on Ambassadors is unacceptable.

Now that statement actually applies to a whole myriad of contexts including commercially, but I’ll apply it to how it’s relevant to the account I’m going to describe. I’m writing this journal entry because of a series of interactions that transpired after attending a regular board game night in the city where I live. Twice in a row now, people have seen that I’ve brought games with me and made statements more or less like;

“You look like you’re an expert, can you teach this game?”

And I know what you’re thinking, why didn’t I just say “No” etc. but with some social mores and I’ll get to that.

Here’s the thing;

Yes I brought games... do you think perhaps those are the games I might like to teach?

Thanks for the flattering compliment (I did thank them both times)... but you want me to learn a board game in a loud pub/bar and then teach it in said loud pub/bar with all that teaching entails i.e., shepherding the experience? Because I get that maybe to you, teaching doesn’t mean good Ambassadorship but to me it does and yep, I realise you might not know that (again... we’ll get to that because guess what...)

I’m Autistic, which you don’t know, and that’s important because...

I very gently tried to deploy all the delicate social niceties one does to disarm a potentially hazardous situation for me, rather than panic, because panicking is how things turn Very Bad. Honestly, sometimes it’s not even about things turning Very Bad for you which for the most part is you feel awkward - I mean sure, sucks for you, but for me, the energy cost goes through the roof and will continue to keep hitting for days. Turns out it still does anyway.

I tried to suggest that reading and understanding rules in a loud pub might not be ideal, but the other person was a bit happy-go-lucky and as it happens, I turned up late after work which unfortunately I’m always going to do - so most people had already started games and this person picked up a 2 player game from the common event library. I’m sorry if details are getting scattered, I’m doing my best.

So I attempt to read through the rules and teach it and at a few key points, they ask for clarification which is very natural, so I clarify as best I can and they simply don’t listen and give their own interpretation which in the way they gave it, I also totally understand. I’ll be clear at this point and say in no way was this person rude - their manner was really cordial, polite, and this person was actually wonderful. I’ve no way of knowing their gender identity or sexuality because it never came up and nor did pronouns, but they presented cis and never once showed any sign of having a problem with how I was presenting, so that was really really nice.

But they still didn’t listen to me when I clarified rules and so I just went with it - I dead-set offered minimal resistance because in a social setting, in a loud pub, when I’ve been set-upon to teach a game I don’t know and now there’s an expectation to deploy this experience, I just have to get this thing going and get through it. Already as we play I realise we’re playing it incorrectly and I have to make like it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t - even now I’ll be honest, it happens all the time - so again, let me be clear;

Playing the game incorrectly didn’t and doesn’t matter - not being heard is what matters. And it isn’t important because I’m Autistic, it’s important regardless.

So not only do I think having to learn and then teach a game in a loud pub or bar (or convention, to be honest) is a bad idea, I think specifically a 2 player game is also a bad idea because were a similar situation to occur with more people at the table, there’s more opportunity for consultation and consensus where hopefully other experienced and hobby literate people can review, discuss and contribute.

That whole experience was horrifying for me. It cost me so much energy and it still is... but it wasn’t that other person’s fault.

They didn’t know that I’m Autistic and bipolar and still don’t. I still don’t know how to tell people in a way I’m comfortable with that’s conducive to good socialising and group behaviour going forward thru each interaction. It’s difficult for me because there are so many things I believe should be good behaviours on principle but I realise the whole reason I may believe those things may be entirely due to Autism or bipolar or both, such as...

A Pub Is Not An Appropriate Place To Learn And Then Teach A Board Game

because if it doesn’t come out quite right for you, you can just waive it off, but for me, it ends up being a days-long nightmare of energy-drain and behavioural analysis. I can’t tell you anything about the game we played at all. I don’t understand anything about it because I barely processed the experience. Every unit of energy I had was spent on maintaining my social behaviours, my mechanical actions and verbal skills. I had a few impressions of the game’s mechanisms and was for a fraction of a second tempted to drop some comments on BGG but they would have been so ill-informed and incorrect, I remembered by self-observational skills and realised I shouldn’t do it.

I played one game that night and didn’t know whether I had any energy left for any other activities.

The Second Interaction

While we were packing up, some guy wandered up to our table - this usually happens when you see a game wrapping up so you can be included in a new game which is totally fine. I don’t know what his motivations were, but he literally spoke one or two words like “what’s happening?” and either myself or the other person said that we had just finished and I don’t know if he took one look at my queer-ass self or not but he was gone without another word. 

I really don’t know what that was all about. I really hate to talk like the only gay in the village with my hair clipped in and my women’s clothes but sometimes folks sure do treat me like it. Didn’t say “oh hey my game is ready, nice to meet you” or like he knew the other person I’d just wrapped the game up with, mans just took flight and was gone, so now I am already in Autistic cyclic coping mode and now I feel queer rejection too whether it’s real or imagined so I am noping the fuck out and going home.

The Third Interaction Which Actually Happened Second

As I write about what for me were some fairly harrowing experiences, I don’t want to cast a fully negative tone over the event as a whole. Each time I’ve attended this regular event, including this evening specifically, the hosts have visited the table I’ve been at and greeted us. They’ve shown absolutely no reaction to how I’ve visually presented and been warm and welcoming, discussed whatever game we’ve been playing and been full of positivity which I think is wonderful. I don’t want anyone to think that anything that’s transpired between me and anyone else is the result of some kind of endemic cultural problem specific to one cultural space...

I think it’s something endemic of board games culture in general, or even people in general.

It’s going to be easy to read this and say that I have to telegraph to people what my needs are. Also there’ll likely be people with ASD and/or people with mental health concerns who will advocate for changes of behaviour in others as I’m about to start outlining as you probably easily guess and I did promise to make an attempt at outcomes. I agree with everyone to a certain extent except that society doesn’t make it easy for people with mental health challenges to discuss our needs openly. Yes, not at all made any easier by those seeking to alleviate themselves of accountability but let’s take it on good faith that no-one wants to do that.

Outcomes

The whole reason I burnt-out from board games culture and took a break for so long was the overwhelming expectation from people to constantly teach games and keep providing good experiences over and over again, to the point of there being no appreciation for it. When anyone teaches me literally anything - even in my work place - I thank them for it - no matter how small it is. Teaching games isn’t easy, even simple games. Taking the time to read rules, cover ambiguities, ensure you can answer questions, and then shepherd the session for the duration of the game, is a skill - and that’s taking into account how well the rulebook is written. Expecting that to be done in a short amount of time in a loud environment?? For some of us, when we prep games for a game night, or bring a small selection of games to an event, we review the rules to ensure we can run them smoothly, even if we’ve run them a hundred times before... 

We do this not to ensure the game functions for the sake of the game, we do it so that the game functions for the sake of the people.

I guess you could argue, then, that learning a game on the night and getting it wrong shouldn’t matter because as long as the people enjoy it, it’s fine... but that’s just it - learning it on the night isn’t enjoyable. Even between the other person and I, it was time-consuming and half-way thru the game, they also picked up at least one of our magical rules errors which we did just play thru and also was fine, but these social frictions between people are going to be far more likely, and far more stressful. The end of the game just happened to coincide with the time I take my fistful of meds so maybe they did just happen to pick up on that but oh well too late by then, I didn’t get to mention what flavours I have in my brain so that might have to be for another night. 

I feel as tho loading up that expectation on other people to perform labour without knowing where they’re at and expecting the right of refusal to be amicable is a weird and unfair position to put on people. I put myself in a position where I’m happy to teach the games I brought. I understand what it means to learn and teach a game under the most ideal circumstances... for a person who doesn’t have mental health concerns... so I wouldn’t ask anyone else under any circumstances, ideal or otherwise, to teach a game they didn’t know.

People don’t know I’m ASD and bipolar. I don’t know what they are, either, but I’m in the unique position of having mental health concerns so I’m constantly considering where others are at and what they might need.

I think that’s what I’m asking for. I’m not at all angry at or feeling hurt by my board game play-companion that evening, they were lovely and I’d happily play a game with them again, but I don’t know how I’d go about explaining this situation to them because educating others in detail in a short amount of time is extremely difficult, then and there when you’re in the situation. I realise people who don’t have these or similar concerns tend to “brush off” similar situations but I don’t brush off anything. Nothing ever gets brushed off. Everything costs something and that cost is monumental. It costs energy and it costs days.

I don’t think I need people to go and read pages and pages about Autism and bipolar disorder, I think I just need people to listen a bit more. I need people to be appreciative of the labour of others, specifically of when they put effort into instructive and demonstrative action i.e. teaching board games., and understand this specific example in this context; a game that no-one knows, especially with strangers. If you want to pony-up for a new board game, don’t put it on someone else. You want to make that call, it’s your call, you do it. 

[redtapebusters]

The panic behind addressing Selection Criteria

I had two friends who are currently job seeking contact me this week in a panic because the positions they were highly interested in required addressing selection criteria. Initially I was confused as to why this was such a stress for my very competent and both highly qualified and experienced friends. Then after some thought I realised that unless you have applied for government positions in the past; experience with selection criteria is probably not something most job seekers are familiar with.

The interesting thing is that most job applications do in some form require the addressing of selection criteria even if it is not in a formal context. Our cover letter and job application writing are usually addressing the key criteria stated in the job description of the position vacant as it appears in the job advertisement.

Job selection criteria informs the applicant what knowledge, skills and experience the employer is looking for. As an applicant it is extremely important that you address these requirements within your application.

Selection criteria in whatever form it is required helps the selection panel or employer to decide which of the applicants will be short listed for an interview and what questions they need to ask as part of the interview process.

A professional job application writer will definitively state that it is highly important that our resume and cover letter we provide with our application be individualised and tailored to the specific job we are aiming for. It is no different when addressing selection criteria for a position.

The addressing of the selection criteria must be specific to the requirements of the employer. If an advertised position requests the addressing of selection criteria failure to provide this information will immediately disqualify the applicant. So where and how do we start?

To address selection criteria, make a separate document and type all the selection criteria exactly as they are written. These are now the headings and ensure your document is organised and easily readable for the employer. Make the font of these selection criteria bold.  

Look carefully at each criterion. Quite often they have several components. It may be useful to sub divide these to answer it in detail. For example, Sound communication, interpersonal and negotiating skills, including well-developed written and oral skills, and the ability to develop and deliver education services.

You can further break this down into

· Communication skills - including written and oral skills

· Interpersonal skills

· Negotiation skills

· Ability to develop and deliver education services 

Using a note pad answer each criterion stating examples that are recent and specific from your work experience or life experience. State how your skills match the requirements of the job and the organisation and how you have developed and applied your skills.

These notes can then form the basis for answering each criterion. Once you are ready to write them try to organise your answers in an easy to read format such as using dot points or short sentences. Start each criterion with an action verb and stay on track. You can provide additional information at an interview if need be but having excessively lengthy answers will often mean the employer will be overwhelmed and you won’t make a good impression. About half a page per selection criteria is the suggested length but check that the employer has not specified a word or page count prior to submitting your documentation.

For people who are not professional business writers it may be advisable to seek the services of an expert, particularly if the position you are applying for is a long awaited step forward in your career or your dream role.

Red Tape Busters have experienced job application writers ready to assist you. Red Tape Busters specialise in helping you take the next step towards your dream job.

[chucksandjeans]

2020 in Review and Goals for 2021

This has been a challenging year. I say that with the utmost respect for people around the world who have had it way worse that I had but, in all honesty, it’s been tough. I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to separate out the days from the months and the weekends from the weekdays. For this year-end review, I thought about going off on a rant. That would have been easy because it was a sh!t year. But, I decided against that. The previous sentence will be the only and last negative thing I’ll pen in this entry because I truly believe that 2020 delivered many moments of positivity and hope for a world that was growing increasingly disconnected. Let’s put the sad stuff away. This means putting aside COVID19, the passing of icons and visionaries (RIP Kobe, Chadwick B, Sean C, RBG, George F), forest fires, political dohickeys, etc. For the first time in many years, humankind was up against common enemies and it united the world. The most uplifting part of 2020 was worth seeing, even if it meant we all had to see it from afar.

My daughter was born in January and I am grateful to see her grow up every single day. She was born the day just before the first COVID19 patient arrived at the very same hospital she was born at. Lucky much! I originally had plans for bachelor parties, work trips, going to the office (which seems outrageous now) and many other things, but I would not trade any of those for my daughter’s time. It has been incredible to share in Leia’s every day with my wonderful wife and mother of my child. I am lost for words when I think about how I will likely spend less time with my next child(ren) when life goes back to normal (fingers crossed). The three of us became closer than I could have ever imagined, and we built those memories in our first home. This home has an abundance of memories of 2020 and I am thankful for this house for keeping us safe, warm and loved. 

RELATIONSHIP - A

Staying at home with a newborn was tough but rewarding for Celine and I. Many friends, family and literature conjure up how draining it is on a relationship to raise a child. It is indeed personally draining physically and mentally, but it is not draining on our relationship. In fact, it has strengthened our relationship. I continue to be impressed every single day with this woman who has brought strength, kindness and patience to our child in addition to being a fantastic partner to me. We were unable to climb big physical mountains this year but we certainly are scaling the mountain of life in a more coordinated and stable fashion than ever before.

PARENTHOOD (new category) - B

Being a father is difficult. The fun stuff is easy - playing, tickling, carrying - but almost everything else is hard. This applies to feeding, pooping, wiping, teaching, and anything else you can think of. I have the basics downpat but I must admit that my ‘intermediate’ parenting skills are lacking. To make up for it, I have read a few books that talk about parenting best practises but I realized that these books are just opinions of other people. There is no one obvious parenting method that trumps all else. I kept the baby alive this year and as the years go by, I’ll need to come up with some specific principles to live by so that I can pass the right values on to her.

FAMILY - A

There have been limited chances for this category to shine in 2020 with various lockdowns in place. I can probably count how many times I have seen family on my toes and fingers and it’s been a constant battle in my head of whether I should listen or not listen to public health guidelines that are telling everyone to not mingle with those outside of your immediate household. During the lockdown, is it better to see family or not see family? Should we just see them anyway because we are family, but risk infection and super spreading? Is one good and the other bad? I don’t know, but for the most part, I have done what I think is best to protect my family, even at the expense of loneliness. I hope that I made the right decision(s).

FRIENDS - A+

With the backdrop of 2020, I think I did a splendid job with friends. I have delivered on my goals of reaching out to friends as much as possible and “hanging out” virtually to play games and chats. I organized a few outdoor gatherings at parts when the lockdown was lifted in the summer. I did good.

CAREER - A

I embarked on a new journey in 2020 and learned new skills and gained new experiences. It was a rewarding year for personal and professional growth. I am proud of myself for managing the fast-paced and always-reorging style of Square. Case in point, I am working for my third manager already in only 12 months in my role. I’ve managed to build strong relationships and inched closer to gaining clarity on my ambitions.

TRAVEL - A

We did a fair bit of exploring in 2020. Despite not being able to travel very far, Celine and I took it upon ourselves to maximize the opportunities that we had. I have let go of my prior country counting practise as I learned that what’s most important about traveling is experiencing new cultures and seeing new things off the beaten path, no matter the country. We became tourists in our own neighbourhood, Toronto and surrounding areas, Prince Edward County, and Bruce County to hike and see everything we could, all while lugging our growing baby. We used a stroller, a front baby carrier, a back baby carrier, and a shoulder baby carrier, hoisting a bag of Leia’s clothes and stuff to see what we could. It was a great year to get used to traveling with a baby. We are ready for international travel once the pandemic is over.

HEALTH - B-

I started a habit with Celine last summer of sharing, just before bed, three things that we are thankful for that day. We call it ‘daily affirmations’. We have built this into daily routine and it has worked very well to inject positivity into our day. Other than this mental wellness commitment, my overall physical health regime was tossed out the window with COVID19 and no access to a gym or proper equipment. I blame COVID19 but I really can only blame myself. I learned that I am very much a gym rat that enjoys quick bursts of workout in 45-60 min sequences. This can be bench press for 3 sets of 10 and squats for the same, but asking me to do HIIT or workout videos in my house with light dumbbells or bodyweight exercises just doesn’t do it for me. I have been bad at adapting to new workout regimes.

FINANCE - A

This year was great for the finances. Not having any ‘extra’ expenses, like vacations, in-person shopping and dining, our spending has never been lower. Celine’s been on mat leave and, surprisingly, despite lower family income, our budget has been healthy. Square stock also did well which delivered unexpected surprises, but this was serendipitous so I am not giving myself credit for that one.

PERSONAL - A+

I had a lot of time this year to “do me”, with the lockdown and all. I did not take as much paid-time off as I would have liked but in the time that I had, I was able to think deeply about my life and what I want to achieve. That’s a big plus. I also read a solid number of books, blowing by my stretch goal of 5 books. I read 11 (list below), with 7 in the last 2-3 weeks, thanks to my new Kobo Clara HD! I find the reading exhilarating and much more useful than watching TV shows, which I did a lot of too this year.

Alibaba: The House That Jack Ma Built - Duncan Clark

Tools of Titans - Tim Ferris

The Innovation Stack - Jim McKelvey

Good Strategy/Bad Strategy: The Difference and Why It Matters - Richard P. Rumelt

To Pixar and Beyond - Lawrence Levy

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother - Amy Chua

How to Raise Successful People - Esther Wojcicki 

The Ride of a Lifetime - Robert Iger

Super Pumped: The Battle for Uber - Mike Isaac

Born a Crime - Trevor Noah

How Will You Measure Your Life? - Clayton M. Christensen

Range - David Epstein (currently reading into 2021)

2021 and Stretch Goals

RELATIONSHIP

Preamble: I recently read a book called ‘How Will You Measure Your Life’ and there was a concept that I wanted to implement. It’s called ‘jobs to be done’. It’s a popular framework in the product development world to tangibly describe what a product does for a user a.k.a. what does a user hire a certain product for. What does the customer need the product to do? The book draws connections to marriage such that partners think about the job that their partner needs them to do. For example, instead of “I’ll clean the house so that my wife doesn’t have to”, the concept asks that we first think about “what does my wife need me to be/do”, and then do that. It’s a simple but powerful way of putting the other person first.

I will think about what my wife needs and wants me to do before I make any assumptions using something like the ‘jobs to be done’ concept.

I will support my wife in her personal and career endeavors.

I will encourage my wife to be creative, ambitious and honest with herself so that she can find her path.

I will be an attentive and caring husband, and try to be positive in the most difficult situations. I will listen first and offer an opinion if suitable in the situation.

I will be cognizant that my wife is stressed from taking care of the baby and try to relieve her stress as much as possible.

I will recognize milestones and also everyday events because life is short.

Stretch: I will create and capture more memories outside of Instagram, through writing, photos or videos.

PARENTHOOD

Preamble: There are various schools of thought on parenting that have some similarities but more stark differences. Specifically the “Western” and “Chinese” schools have opposing tenets, and generically there are more studies not specific to raising children that pose another theory. In the coming year, I’ll digest a few more of these parenting hypotheses, come up with a set of strategies and principles, and align with Celine on tactical steps to take to get there.

I will read 2 to 3 more books on parenting techniques.

I will create a set of strategies, goals, principles and priorities for us and Leia to follow.

FAMILY

I will be more present to foster the most harmonious balance where possible.

FRIENDS

I will build on strong social bonds by reaching out, staying in touch, physically or virtually seeing friends, and recognizing special moments.

I will not be non-existent to friends.

I will think about my friends’ ‘jobs to be done’ and try as much as possible not to project my own expectations onto them.

Stretch: hang out with 1 friend per a month and recognize special moments with handwritten cards and gifts.

CAREER

I will continue to think about my career structurally and critically to deliberately plan out my path. I am entering my mid 30s so the next move or two have to be career moves.

I will consistently evaluate my skills and proactively find ways to fill the gaps, either through structured learning (courses), unstructured (books) and/or experience (asking to lead a project).

Stretch: meet at least 2 new people every month who can help me in my career or gives me new ideas; discuss international opportunities with Square

TRAVEL

Find a new travel goal that revolves around cultural exploration. I want to love to travel immensely again and give that gift to Leia.

Go at least one place with Leia on the plane.

Stretch: Take Celine and the baby to San Francisco for a few weeks.

HEALTH

I will find a new workout regime that I am deeply passionate about. It can be cycling or running up and down the street with a box of weights. In any case, I have to love it and stick with it.

I will choose to eat healthy food more often. In particular, this means more fish, chicken, vegetables and legumes, and less red meat, fried foods and dairy products.

I will eat more fruits and drink more water (at least 2L daily).

I will workout at least twice a week.

FINANCE

I will continue shifting the finances on a monthly basis to ensure that Celine and I are tracking towards our retirement goals.

I will spend less money on products and more on experiences.

I will cut back on impromptu purchases.

I will continue saving money for myself, Celine and the baby.

Stretch: plan for investment property.

PERSONAL

I will keep learning what it means to be a husband and father.

I will dedicate time to self-improvement through reading 24 books this year (2 per month) that span a wide range of topics, from non-fiction to fiction.

I will focus on what I can control and push out things that I cannot control. I worry too much so this will help me reduce mental stress.

I will be a better listener and only dish out tough love sparingly.

I will continue documenting my career ambitions and philosophies in my journal at least 2x a month.

I will clean the house once a month. This means wiping the windows, vacuuming and mopping the floors, bleaching the sink, etc.

I will not leave my shoes and jackets everywhere, and will not leave the lights on if I don’t have to.

Stretch: I will read 36 books (3 per month) this year.

FAVOURITE MOMENTS OF 2020

Driving around the city with Celine a week or two before Leia was born. We went for brunch, went shopping, and had some delicious dinner at Pinky’s Ca Phe. It was a simple day but oh so memorable.

The day just before and the day Leia was born. I woke up and Celine “surprised” me by telling me that she thought her water broke (lol?). We rushed to the hospital and the doctor told us to come back at 7pm that night to start the labour process (if it hadn’t started already). We went home, hung out, took a shower, had a quick nap, had pho for a quick dinner and then got ready. It was the beginning of a long night. Then, watching Celine deliver Leia, and holding her in my arms throughout the first night. I was so tired that I was delirious. Maybe that’s why it felt like a dream.

Watching Leia interact with my parents. Leia has taken a liking to them and it fills my heart with warmth and joy. It also feels like I gave my parents one of the best gifts they could ask for - a smart, healthy and happy grandchild.

Hanging out in the basement, which is essentially Leia’s playroom. All of it.

Walking to the beach.

Each and every day that I woke up to my wonderful wife and child. Leia smiles every so widely in the mornings, making cute sounds and greeting me. It’s a shot of caffeine in the morning, even after a possible poor night of sleep filled with Leia making funny noises.

Making trips to Prince Edward County and Bruce County.

Seeing my parents and in-laws after weeks and months of lockdown. Humans are not wired to be alone, and definitely not wired to say no to seeing family or waving to them behind a window.

Hanging out with my boys before Ryan’s wedding and the wedding itself. There was so much love and joy that day.

Doing ‘normal’ things, like going to the mall, eating at a restaurant, playing golf and having out with friends at the park. Seeing friends at the park, even socially distanced, felt amazing.

Seeing a new administration installed at the White House.

Reading the news about the vaccine being discovered, manufactured and now distributed across the world.