#my second time with it. first time was summer 2021 i think? right after the vaccine

[shinozaki-ayumi]

got covid :(

[queen-of-the-avengers]

Mr. Right Now

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2.3k

Warnings: angst, past trauma of not feeling good enough, it's better off being alone angst, minor fluff at the end

Summary: As a divorcee with three kids, it’s hard to open up to men and allow them into your children’s lives. You’re a single mother who is just trying to get through each day until you meet Bucky. He might be the one you’ve been searching for all this time. Can you put aside your fears enough to let him in?

Squares Filled: band (2021) for @buckybarnesbingo

Author’s Note: any and all comments are greatly appreciated <3

x

The only time you’re able to go to the grocery store in the summertime is when you don’t have your kids hanging off your every limb. Your oldest daughter and son are at a summer camp you were able to get them into while your youngest daughter is being watched by your mother who had some time for you to get errands done.

Whoever said parenting was the best thing in the world was lying because you want to cry most days. It’s not that you don’t love your children, you absolutely love them with all your heart. You want nothing more in the world than to be their mom but it’s hard some days. You’re a single mom to three kids which takes a lot out of you. You have no time to do anything for yourself. Whenever they’re at school, you spend your days taking care of your baby girl and cleaning the house only for them to return and mess it up all over again.

Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world and it’s not for everyone. However, when you had your kids, you weren't alone. You had a husband who you thought would be with you forever. Then, you caught him with a twenty-year-old in your bed and that set you back decades. It took you a long time to find someone else after him, which you did, and you thought you had gotten your second chance at love.

He was a breath of fresh air after struggling for years. You only had two kids at the time but it was still a handful since they were both so young. You and your second husband had a daughter together, and you thought this was it. This is your family.

Then, he left without warning. He told you that he didn’t love you anymore and wanted nothing to do with you or your kids. He threatened to take Abby but you fought him through a lawsuit. He was bouncing between homes and didn’t have a steady income, all of which you had. If you thought your first husband was bad, your second husband broke you completely.

You swore off men after that. All you want to do is take care of your kids and live life on your own. It’s hard but you know you can do it. Your mother has been very supportive of you and helps out when she can but she’s much older and can’t do stuff like she normally could. Your father passed a decade ago so neither of you have him to fall back on. Your brother and sister moved out of the country when they turned eighteen and haven’t looked back since.

You’re truly on your own which you never minded until now.

You fill your shopping cart as you go down the list you made before leaving the house, and you look at the next item on your list. You’re not looking where you’re going and almost run into someone.

“I’m so sorry,” you gasp and look up.

You gasp again but it’s not from the shock of running into him. This man is… You don’t think you ever saw a more handsome man in your life. He’s tall, like a whole foot taller than you, and has dark hair that is not too long. His eyes are bright blue oceans and he is very muscular.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s my fault.”

“No, it’s mine. I wasn’t looking where I was going. Sorry,” you mutter.

You’re about to move around him to continue your shopping when he stops you.

“I haven’t seen you around here and I come here every week.”

“Oh, yeah. I usually get my groceries delivered but I had some time today to do it myself.”

“I’m Bucky,” he smiles.

Damn, he has such a great smile, too.

“Y/N.”

“Do you care for some company while you finish?”

“Sure,” you smile. “So, Bucky, have you lived in Washington D.C. for long?”

“On and off. I used to live here years ago. I just recently came back and am now living with my two best friends. You?”

“I just moved here a year ago. I had to get away from… stuff… I used to live in Nevada and thought a change would do me good.”

“Lucky me that you did,” he flirts.

You can’t help the blush that forms on your face. You’re not used to compliments. You finish the rest of your shopping quickly but you don’t want to stop talking to Bucky. He’s the first man you have had such an easy conversation with in a long time. Your mom wants you to put yourself out there again and try dating but you can’t think of anything worse than that. Dating means bringing a new man into your kids’ lives who will probably leave you. You’re not going to do that to them again so you’ll settle for stolen conversations in the grocery store.

Still, you find yourself not wanting to leave the store because then you’ll have to stop talking to Bucky. However, when your mom calls about Abby crying because she’s hungry and you haven’t pumped a bottle for her. She can eat solid food but she loves your milk more. You’re trying to transition her into solid foods but it’s a work in progress.

“Sorry. I have to get back home.”

“Yeah, of course.”

“It was really nice to talk to you, though. Maybe I’ll see you back here again.”

“Yeah, maybe,” he nods.

You’re gone before he can ask you for your number. You can’t stop thinking about Bucky. You never met a man who could invade all your senses. Your mother left after you got back and you spent the next hour feeding your daughter and putting the groceries away. You put your daughter down for a nap when your phone rings. You take the call when you get to the kitchen to finish with the groceries.

“Hey, Emma.”

“Y/N! You know that band that Leslie goes on and on about?”

“Yeah.”

“They’re playing a gig at The Twisted Bar this weekend. You gotta come with us!”

“I don’t know. I have Abby and I don’t have a sitter.”

“Bring her here. My husband would love to watch her. He’s been so tied with the boys that it’d be nice to watch a girl.”

“Are you sure? What if she gets hungry? She only seems to want my milk.”

“Then pump before coming here. It’s been such a long time since we all went out. Just once stop worrying about your kids. Jace and Lizzy are at camp and it’s likely Abby will sleep the whole night.”

You’re still not sure. Going out with your friends usually ends in one of two ways: either you end up going home early because your kids need you or you end up going home early because all the girls want to do is flirt with men. They’d never cheat on their husbands and they never take it past the occasional flirty comment. When they get like this, guys love to flirt with you and that’s when you call it a night.

You’re not some horny teenager looking for a fun time. You have kids and if these men knew about it, they’d never flirt with you. It’s tiring to go to bars and reject every man because you know what it’s going to lead to.

Still, it’d be nice to go out with your friends since it’s been so long.

“Fine,” you sigh, “but I’m not going there to take some man home.”

“Got it. This is going to be so much fun! Want me to pick you up?”

“No, I’ll meet you there. What time?”

“Six.”

“I’ll bring Abby over at five, then. We can leave together but I’ll need my car just in case.”

You and Emma talk for a little while longer until you hang up. Friday comes quicker than you’d like, and you had just dropped Abby off at Emma’s house. You’re nervous to leave her alone but you’ve been friends with Emma and Robert for decades so you figure you’d trust them with your kids sooner or later.

You and Emma arrive at The Twisted Bar right after Leslie, Jackie, and April get there. It’s a reunion of the decade since you haven’t seen April in years and Jackie for longer. It’s been hard finding time away from your kids.

“Y/N! I’m so glad you finally made it!” Leslie squeals and pulls you into a hug.

“Eh, I figure it’s time to see my girls.”

“It has been a long time,” April comments.

Leslie grabs drinks while you sit at a table that’s near the band that’s setting up. Leslie has been in love with them ever since she saw them opening for Bon Jovi a few years ago. They’ve been slowly rising to fame but they love playing in small bars to stay connected to their fans. Leslie comes back with the drinks and you sip yours leisurely while your friends down theirs quickly. It’s dangerous when you don’t taste the alcohol; that’s how you get drunk quickly.

“Hey, I’ll be right back. I’m going to get some water.”

Your friends wave you off, too invested in the music to listen. You shake your head with a smile and make your way to the bar counter. You look away for a second and run into someone seconds later.

“Hey, Y/N!” You look at the person and see Bucky standing there. “We can’t keep meeting like this.”

“Bucky, what are you doing here?” You pause after hearing how that sounds. “Sorry, that sounds weird. I mean, hi.”

“Hi,” he laughs. “I’m with my roommates. They’re here to see the band. They wanted me to come out.”

“Same.”

“I was hoping to see you. I really liked talking to you the other day.”

“Same here.”

“Can I get you a drink?”

“Sure.”

Bucky gets you and himself a drink before escorting you to one of the back tables. Most everyone is up front listening to the band so the back is clear of crowds. It’s easier to hear him, too.

“So, I know I’ve said this but you… Okay, I’m not very good at this. My friend, Steve, says I need to get out more but I actually like staying in and being alone. I don’t normally do this but I really enjoyed talking to you. Can I have your number?”

Just like that, your entire world shatters. You like Bucky but now that he wants to take the next step, he’s becoming a real person instead. A real person who you might have to take home to your kids. A real person who will just leave you like everyone else. You don’t want to do this to Bucky but you scoff in annoyance.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, fine, Bucky. Look, I gotta get back to my friends.”

“Wait, is it something I said? You don’t have to give me your number if you don’t want to. I just… You’re beautiful and funny. I had a great time with you at the grocery store.”

You don’t mean to be rude or snappy with Bucky but you’re sick and tired of men feigning interest in you only to leave you and your kids. You’re not going to put them through all that trouble if the man isn’t going to stay. If you don’t give men the light of day, then they can’t leave you.

“You want my number?”

“I do.”

“Which number do you want, Bucky?”

“Uh, well, how many numbers do you have?”

You laugh bitterly. “Oh, I have numbers coming out of my ears. For instance, ten.”

“Ten?”

“Yeah. That’s how many months old my baby girl is.”

Bucky’s face doesn’t fall in disgust but he’s not jumping for joy either. Tears prick your eyes but you won’t let them fall.

“You have a baby girl?”

“Yeah. Yeah, sexy, huh? How about this for a number? Six. That’s how old my other daughter is. Eight is the age of my son. Two is how many times I’ve been married and divorced. Sixteen is the number of dollars I have in my bank account. 480-555-0199. That’s my phone number, and with all the numbers I just gave you, I’m guessing zero is the number of times you’re gonna call it. You’re nice, Bucky, but I’ve been down this road too many times. I will not allow my children to meet a man I know won’t stay in my life. Really, it was nice talking to you but no man wants a woman with three children.”

You grab your drink and leave the table but stop when you hear your phone ringing. You take out your phone and notice a number you don’t recognize. Knowing your daughter is with someone else who’s not your mother, you answer it thinking Leslie’s kids are using their phones to call you.

“Hello?”

“For the life of me, I can’t figure out why anyone would leave you. I understand the walls you’ve put up. I understand why you don’t date or don’t trust men, especially around your kids. I understand that you had to put yourself back together multiple times. I’m not dismissing that, but I can promise you that I am not like other men. I don’t abandon people and I happen to love kids. If you give me a chance, I would love to show you that you’re not a piece of ass. You’re not a notch on someone’s belt. You’re a woman who I would love to get to know.”

You turn to face Bucky who has his phone to his ear. The tears are already coming down whether you want them to or not.

“All I ask for is a chance.”

“Okay,” you whisper.

Maybe it’s you who needs to give him a chance. Then maybe, you’ll finally find the one person you’ve been looking for.

x

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[itsrlymine]

idk if you’ve answered this before or if it’s something you may not want to answer but i was wondering how your journey from the early stages of finding out about manifesting up until knowing you’re the operant power and your full potential was like

my manifesting journey so far

Hello my love! I think I just haven't seen the question yet but I would love to answer!

As far as I'm concerned, I knew manifesting as manifesting around the time I was 18 and in my first year of university. But ofc, I was manifesting the whole time before. The university I went to had the lowest acceptance percentage ever but I still managed to get in even with my grades that didn't meet their requirements and i didn't even do the college essay that everyone else had to do. I remember just deciding over and over that I would go there no matter what anybody said. I was told it was expensive and I didn't care, I was gonna go anyways. It was $40k/yr at the time and I got $36k worth of scholarship....... I just thought that was just luck.

Before then, I was obsessed with One Direction and 5 Seconds Of Summer like y'all it was bad! I wanted to see them in concert so freakin bad, it was like my life depended on it. I literally manifested them coming to my state and to a city that people don't really tour all the time and yall!!!!! I was like right in front of them and I def passed out hearing Zayn sing live. I saw both bands live together, it was incredible. I used subliminals to clear my skin in high school as well but eventually forgot about them.

I think having my dad tell me I could do anything I wanted is what lead me to believe that if I wanted something, it was automatically mine.

In college, I would always have s*x with the guys i wanted just by visualizing or saying they wanted me sooo bad (still works now!). I would make up friend groups in my head and then find that i would be in them not even two weeks later. I watched "The Secret" in my first year and that was really transformational for me bc I always felt like I was failing God and my family bc I didn't want to go the medical route/even finish college.

The summer of 2021, I was 22 and at home with my parents and broke asf and i said no more! I started consciously manifesting again even though I didn't know that's what it was called. I decided I would get a job in marketing that would pay me over $70k/yr even though I had one month of experience and only certifications in the field. Did that matter??? Of course not!!!!! It was remote and had unlimited pto and i could go on as many vacations a year as I wanted. I found out about the law a month after I started my job but for some reason, it felt so complicated and I found myself trying so damn hard rather than just reminding myself how I got what I wanted before. literally inner conversations, visualizing and talking out loud about my desires.

What made me realize I could manifest anything was when I changed my menstrual cycle and went to Dubai for free twice. What the 3d looks like never matters especially when it came to my cycle, I deadass couldn't see how my internal organs would change according to what I wanted but ofc they changed anyways. it was shortened and I haven't had cramps in months. Going to Dubai for free by imagining Abdullah slamming the door in my face and telling me I was in Dubai. I literally made a pinterest board of where I'd go in Dubai and I went to every single place. I would tell myself over and over that I'm gonna leave my wallet at home because everyone was gonna pay for me bc we are rich asf duh!. When I tell y'all that's exactly what happened!!!!

I've manifested so other "crazy" stuff but yea these ones definitely altered my brain chemistry.

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

Do you really think Meghan actually wants to make and sell products? And that she wants to create a brand that has a real marketable potential?

Everything we have seen so far, right from 2O12/13, when she first hit some recognition with with suits, all she has ever wanted was to famous. And by association, be known as beautiful, desirable, intelligent and high value.

All her ventures were geared towards increasing her own social capital - the people she knew, the places she was seen at, what she wore, what she used, the activities she did as leisure, her knowledge of all things fine, elite, luxury.

All financial benefits she recieved were though her social capital. She did not undertake any activity that would add to her craft as an actor, which she apparently has a degree in. No auditions, no plays, no training workshops, no new longterm projects, no producer gigs or interests even after she had some financial security etc

Even the Tig was more like documenting an extended luxury vacation. All her focus was geared towards finding a rich guy with a luxury lifestyle, to settle down with. Her long term plans did not include acting, getting better projects or stable long-term business ventures.

And for all intents and purposes, she seems to have got what she wanted. We may side-eye her that she bagged Harry of all the rich eligible men she could find, we may even question her quality of life. But, she seems to be living it up pretty good.

She is miles from where she was. Harry is bringing in all the money and even if they go broke, that is never make money from their ventures, Harry's BRF connection is always the backup plan. At least financially.

She gets to live is a huge place, she is back in LA. She only ever wears designer wear. Everything she does is scrutinized and talked about, good or bad. She gets entry into places and circles she could never have imagined herself in.

Al she wants is be in special shows or docuntaries where she is the centre of attention. So she will never do a show about a charity or something. The money will keep coming in.

And a divorce settlement is always a viable option. Plus Harry is the one who has made a fool of himself infront of everyone that cared about him.

So, I don't think she cares about what products she seels, whether they could have long term money making potential etc.

She is living her dream life. And the past 7 years have only fuelled her entitlement.

So, I don't think she cares if Roop fails. Or the products are stupid.

Meghan wants to be so fabulously filthy rich and famous she never has to work again in her life. She thinks she is literally just one idea away from having it all, and we know that about her because the second she realizes it's not working, she bails.

Just look at her track record:

2011: Producer Wife

2012 - 2013: Suits

2014: Lifestyle influencer (The Tig) and humanitarian activist (Ice Bucket Challenge)

2015: Foodie

2016: Humanitarian activist (March), Tennis fan (June/July), Royal girlfriend (November)

2017: Better than Kate (January), Health/Beauty influencer (April/May), Royal almost-fiancee (June/July), Africa (August), Duchess Material (Sept/Oct), Royal rulebreaker (Nov/Dec)

2018: Shy Di (Feb/Mar), Bride (Apr/May), Country Girl (June - Aug), Global Superstar Di (Sept/Oct), New Young Mother (Nov - May 2019)

2019: New Young Mother (continued), Feminist Who Supports and Inspires Women (summer), Nobody Asked Me If I'm OK (Sept/Oct), Glam Military Wife (Nov)

2020: Protecting My Peace (January), Revenge Tour (March), Helping the Hungry Because Everyone Else Is (April), New Young Mother Again (May), Black Lives Matter (summertime), Author and Content Creator (autumn), Hot Military Wife and Nobody Asked Me If I'm OK Part 2: Miscarriage Edition (Nov)

2021: New Young Mother Part 3 (February), Still Protecting My Peace (March), Lilibet (June), The Bench, Humanitarian Activist and Time Magazine cover model (Sept/Oct)

2022: We're Still Royals Platinum Jubilee edition (springtime), Podcaster/Socialite (July/August), We're Still Royals Mini-tour edition (pre-HLM September), Grieving Granddaughter-in-Law (September), Humanitarian Activist and Netflix Superstars (December)

2023: We're Still Royals Coronation edition (March through May), Di-Chased-By-Paparazzi-in-New York (May/June), WME Superstar (June), Author and Content Creator (July/Aug/September), Hot Military Wife Dusseldorf Edition (Sept/Oct), Red Carpet Fashion Superstar (autumn)

2024: We're Still Royals Invictus Games in Canada Edition (February), Goop Wannabe (March), Duchy Originals Wannabe (April)

[hagrag]

Not to dox myself but I want to list all the places I remember living now

The first place I remember living when i was 5/6 was a dilapidated terrace house in summer hill, sydney. I can't believe my mum could afford that. She worked part time as a receptionist during school hours. I am pretty sure it was a 1 bedroom which was mine and she converted the pantry or the laundry into her bedroom. Her bedroom was all brick wall and stone flooring I am pretty sure and she always had red and black sheets and smoked cigarettes in bed. I remember my sheets as well, she bought them with her first big paycheck, they were gingham with mermaids. I remember the backyard really clearly too. It had a little gate to our neighbours house who we loved.

The second place was a 2br house in dulwich hill, sydney. Vividly remember the living room, kinda the bedroom. The bedroom had this weird window/hole in the wall to the hallway so I didn't have privacy which was weird and the living room is where I liveddddd I begged to sleep on the sofa bed all the time and many memories of playing sims 1 here and watching rage all night and morning on the weekends.

Then we moved to melbourne when I was 7. We lived in a 2br seventies brick house in northcote. Again how did my mum afford this? Sold for $88k in the 80s and $1.3m in 2021 apparently. Really nice place and I remember it well because after we moved out my stoner dj uncle moved in and lived there for like 10 years or something. There was also such a neighbourhood vibe with street parties on halloween and christmas it was so cute.

Then my mum started dating a guy who lived in the west so we moved to his house in yarraville. Don't think we lived there that long but it was nice, I think it had 3 bedrooms, and stone flooring in the kitchen with this big kitchen island. I had never had an island before.

Then we moved to a different place in yarraville and I don't remember this one either really. I was like 10 and remember the place I lived in when I was 5 better.

Ok then we move somewhere when I'm like 10/11 and I gained consciousness there so remember it like the back of my hand. 2br classic terrace house in kensington. I had a big beautiful bedroom right at the front with a fireplace. Super noisy because it was across from the train line. The kitchen and bathroom were renovated, it was a really nice fancy place to live, I loved it. There was this big open plan living and kitchen, with a little terrace backyard it opened up to. We had these little ponds with koi fish out there.

To be continued for ages 12 to now...

[inshelliesworld]

Buckle up. This is long.

Last night after dinner w/my fam I watched the SAG awards so I am a little behind on the conversation around the Chris Evans Clown Show Comedy Hour. However I read a couple of asks received by @nancydrewwouldnever about how he’s been looking like the Raggedy Andy version of his normal self these past few months and I couldn’t agree more.

I thought so watching the SMA videos People put out.

Back during my more naïve days, I just thought he was possibly exhausted and that could very well still be true. But after the rabbit hole I’ve been down for the past couple of months, I am of the opinion he's exhausted for a different reason than work requirements. Which is just that – my opinion: observation mixed with speculation.

I don’t think this RS – if it is rooted in PR like I think it is – was ever intended to last this long. From what I have gathered, the Netflix show and movie for which AB would have benefited the most having a lot of attention were originally supposed to both release in the first half of 2022. One or both were delayed, the show being very delayed -from first/second quarter all the way to the last quarter of the year. So not only did she lose out on a bump for the movie, but by the time her show finally launched it pretty much had already been axed by NF. So when Mr. SMA 2022 does the CP Marathon (horribly) with her, the only project she has going on at the time is hanging by a thread.

That's her fault for being lazy and entitled. A million golden opportunities were missed by her/her team, but I feel like Chris wasn’t going to sell anything very well anyway, as he likely was being pissy about this situationshit lasting so long. Which led me to thinking that “laser focus” press question was a plant to tie back to the earlier article BUT made me think it could possibly have been contrived as a way to signify the end of their "RS" had it gone to plan. The question would allow room for him to insinuate he was single again and “focused on finding the right partner” to “pour himself into” bc “awe, shucks, I’m just so unlucky in love…” 💀

BUT THAT CAN’T HAPPEN… he can’t signal the end of something that hasn’t yet been announced. So it looked to the viewer, and especially his fandom, that he was signaling his singlehood – and for his fans, to debunk the rumors flying around about his Lolita. NOW he has to stutter around and trap himself in word prisons and go take a quick pap sprint the same time as SMA announcement bc that’s when the show drops and do more photos and BS to sell the OVER year-long narrative when they were really prepped to do a 9ish-mos storyline. All the OG pics and scares (IMO) that were preemptively shot not only look slightly better but they also would have fit in with starting the RS storyline Fall 2021 and, if nothing would have been delayed, the end falling somewhere Summer 2022.

I think this is why he does such a shit job selling it. He struggles to sell intimacy anyway, but he’s not even giving it the ole college try bc he’s pissed off that it’s taken more time than he expected and dragging his feet. I mean…. All these rumors about the same chick for months HAS to have a negative impact on his harem, right?? 😂 Now she’s pissed that he’s dragging his feet – or maybe she wanted it to turn into more than what it is and he’s noped the fuck out – so she throws a hissy fit with the yoga cert mess, her mom’s pic, and her OF shower pictorial.  

It's possible had this not dragged along for this long, all the dirt that has surfaced RE: her and her sOuLMaTes being racist, antisemetic, fat phobic, basically all around horrendous ppl that has TANKED his image and lost him a good portion of his fandom would have maybe not surfaced. The mess would have been announced, been annoying, and been over before anyone cared enough to dig that much - or at least make that big of a deal about it, bc he would have been rid of her. I know that this dumpster fire mimics SS a lot but I think that Chris agreeing to a much shorter version in the beginning is why there are SO MANY pictures all at once. He probs didn't want to do this for the 2 years or whatever that SS committed to.

I think he has thrown his own tantrum of “I ain’t doin this shit anymore” and has left it to someone else to handle which is why he is AWOL from everywhere, including going out to dinner with his friend/castmates, and not doing his own SM anymore (I personally don’t think he’s posting anything at all right now himself). Seems he’s also made sure that he/his team control the mass narrative to the GP.

I think they’re riding this shit show out until the end, letting their teams do whatever they need to do. Even if she has the DESIRE to show up for anything like the Twitter reading (was she even invited? Was she wanted by her castmates/showrunners? Hollywood is show BUSINESS afterall so even if she wasn’t wanted she would be expected to show up to make good on production companies’ investments & save face?) the situations aren’t really going to be great for her. There would be – and SHOULD BE – backlash involving the discriminatory posts, which she obvs has no intentions of denouncing. IMO she should have done it anyway for her fans, but her not doing it goes a long way to prove her entitlement, lazy ass attitude, and ungratefulness. But from the looks of  those Star Power reports from IMDB that someone shared, it’s not her that’s hurting… it’s HIM. 🤡

He’s suffering greatly, which is also deserved, and he very likely knows it. It has taken a noticeable toll on his looks, his presence, his gait, and his energy. He looks like a shell of his former self bc he is. And he’s seemingly off licking his wounds until he can start his Chris Evans Redemption Tour.

I would like to put it out into the universe that my birthday is next month and it falls within their usual “drop” timeframe so it would be a fantastic birthday gift if March’s bomb was the BUA.            

[ofduskanddreams]

Know Better Than This — formerly titled Heated Rivals

Chapter 5: There's No "I" in "Team," But There Is in "Win"

CH Summary: It's the morning after Azriel's first game and first loss with the Boston Bruins following his trade. Let's just say things aren't going well.

Read it on ao3 | Enjoy the snippet below:

“Bruins Blown Away in the Windy City”

ESPN - Feb. 26th, 2022 - By Varian Summers

Last night, Chicago’s struggling NHL team pulled off a surprising win against the Boston Bruins. The final score was 2-4, with one of the Bruins’ points being a penalty shot. Hockey fans around the world were watching the Bruins play their first game with newly acquired player Azriel Cantor (Age 23, RW,) traded three days ago from the Montreal Canadiens. 

As the 2020-2021 Rookie of the Year, all eyes are on Cantor to see how he performs as a Bruin. Boston fans have high hopes for the young right-winger after they saw how Cantor and Bruins’ Captain Eris Vanserra played together during this year’s NHL All-Stars Weekend, displaying the kind of chemistry that sparks once in a generation between players. Everyone who watched the All-Stars tournament knows they were witnessing something special. 

The real question is: Where did that chemistry go? Because it certainly wasn’t on the ice at United Center last night.

It’s normal for a team to need some time to adjust to new dynamics when players are traded. I think I speak for all Bruins fans when I say that we understand expecting the team’s best performance mere days after acquiring a new player is unreasonable. Let’s hope Cantor and Vanserra can get back into that rhythm we all witnessed a few weeks ago with a little more time together on the ice.

Because if what happened in Vegas truly stays in Vegas, the Bruins may find themselves looking to make another trade sooner rather than later.

🏒 🏒 🏒 continue reading here.

A/N: Aaaand we're back! (I hope you read that in a sports announcer's voice) I know it's been a while, but don't think for a second that hockey rivals Azris was ever far from my mind. I was never in love with the fic's original title so I decided to change it now that I'm returning to finish it. All it took was going to one NHL game for this fic to start sparking joy again, I hope you're ready for more soon!

tagging: @iftheshoef1tz @ablogofsapphicpanic @panicatthenightcourt @damedechance @moonpatroclus @octobers-veryown @separatist-apologist @krem-does-stuff @melonsfantasyworld @born-to-riot @lady-riel @queercontrarian @asnowfern @catboyjamesbond @brokeneveningstars @xtaketwox @itsthedoodle @wilde-knight @areyoudreaminof @acourtofladydeath @foundress0fnothing @witch-and-her-witcher @melphss @fieldofdaisiies @thelovelymadone @nestas-workwife @bubybubsters

if you want to be added to or removed from my azris tags/tags for this fic specifically just let me know :)

[thebroccolination]

Be My Favorite - Intro

WELCOME TO KEY’S SUMMER FIXATION SERIES. \:D/

Hello! I’m Key, and I’ll be your Be My Favorite historian and enthusiast.

I’ve been really excited for Be My Favorite ever since the series was first announced in December of 2021. The premise grabbed me right away since I’m a big fan of time loops (please watch Triage if you haven’t already, I’d say it’s the strongest BL series to date), and Krist’s one of my favorite actors, so it was an instant five stars of anticipation for me. Then in September of 2022, Gawin (another favorite of mine) was cast, and I had a dream casting I think I might have joked about once. (So I did this, you’re welcome.)

Whoever cast Gawin, I’ll send you a basket of whatever you love and aren’t allergic to.

THE CASTING HISTORY

Be My Favorite had a rocky road to casting.

From what I’ve been able to follow, it was initially meant to be a KristSingto comeback vehicle. (Their last BL together was the SOTUS Our Skyy episode in 2018.) However, in 2022, Krist tentatively told fans at a fan meeting that Singto’s schedule didn’t work out with filming. Seeing as GMMTV didn’t want Krist acting in BL series without his brand partner, I think they knew Singto wasn’t planning to renew his contract, so they cast Mike instead. Personally, I was excited to see Krist step outside his comfort zone with a different actor, and he’s close to Mike, so I figured it’d be a good match. I was also happy for Singto, because he’s wanted more independence in his career. He’s into photography and directing, he’s made his own studio, formed his own fan club in Japan, etc. (I think it’s likely he and Krist will work together again, though. They’re still very close, they play video games online with their friends from university fairly regularly, and Singto went out of his way to organize a KristSingto concert in December of 2022 through his Japanese fan club. KS used to hold their GMMTV-sponsored concerts there annually before the pandemic, so I think it was both a “final chapter” to one part of their lives and evidence that they can collaborate again if they want to.)

I didn’t have strong feelings about Mike’s casting. I haven’t seen him in much, but I liked him in the teaser, and he’s already close to Krist, so I was on board. After seeing Singto improve through his series with other actors (something he might have had to fight for, but that’s pure speculation), I was just excited for Krist to get the same opportunities.

And then…Gawin. [seventeen sparkle emojis]

As I said on Twitter the day Gawin’s casting was announced, “I could not be more pleased and delighted that I’ve built a reputation for myself that makes people think, ‘Krist and Gawin? QUICKLY, LIGHT THE FIRES AND TELL KEY,’” because I woke up to not one but three separate friends letting me know about it.

I went from excited to feral in the four seconds it took my brain to go from, “This can’t be real,” to, “Finally, bizarre breaking news that isn’t actively traumatizing.”

Truly, I have to hand it to Krist, because he's wanted this project to do well from the start, and he's stuck with it and worked hard on it through potentially three scene partners. And he really seems to have grown and learned from Gawin, so good on him.

THE WRITER/DIRECTOR

My one worry was that I haven’t enjoyed most of Jittirain’s adaptations.

But then I found out that the director, Waa, directed The Gifted and also has screenwriting experience. Krist has worked with Waa before and speaks highly of his process. There are a lot of scenes in the first episode of BMF that seem very clean and well edited, so I have hope.

On top of that, I’ve also seen fans mention that Be My Favorite is “inspired by” Jittirain’s novel, not adapted from it, which I think is a crucial distinction. (I don’t know the source for that, but I want it to be true, so I’ll believe it for now.)

Krist has said that they changed a lot from the novel, and based on what I know, the first episode has already departed quite a bit, so I have put my faith in Waa.

POSTPRODUCTION

For many reasons, some series just get the short stick with the amount of postproduction and budget they get. Some series are still filming as they start airing, some have budget cuts during production, etc.

Filming for Be My Favorite began on November 19th, 2022 and wrapped two months ago on March 24th. That same day, Waa shared on Twitter that he’d be starting work on intense editing right away. That was a great sign to me. With filming complete and two months of postproduction, he was almost certainly able to do a cleaner job than if he’d had to struggle under continued filming and simultaneous editing while the show was airing.

Also, BMF definitely seems to have money behind it. For example, this upgrade from the trailer to the first episode. In the trailer, as Kawi makes his first trip to the past, there's a bright, swirling glow around him.

When the episode aired, the effect looked a lot cleaner and had scenes from future episodes woven in.

Also, I loved this transition shot with the blurry background, and the dandelion seed floating across the screen was a cute detail, since that's the flower in the time loop globe.

Little things like like this tells me they’ve had the time to do this series well, and that there's a lot of love and effort going into it.

THE ACTING COACH

This February, the acting coach for BMF did an interview (1 & 2) that I really enjoyed. She said she’ll be sharing a video of their workshop now that the series is airing, so I’m keeping an eye out for that.

THE ACTORS

Like I said, I love both of them. I first watched SOTUS and the Kiss series in 2020, so I became a fan of both right around the same time.

In April of 2022, I made a top ten list of what I thought were the best acting performances up to that point. Krist was on it, and so was Gawin. I admire both of them a lot, and I think they’ve both improved tremendously over the years.

Krist, from what I can tell through interviews, leans toward method acting. For example, in the scene I included on my list above, Arthit was apparently meant to cry a few lines later on, but Krist lost it earlier than scripted because in order to channel the emotion he needed for the scene, he imagined how he’d feel when Singto followed through with a long-time dream of studying overseas. It ended up one of their strongest scenes together because it was genuine.

Meanwhile, Gawin was interviewed in November of 2022, and while I think the whole interview is a great read, I wanted to emphasize this part:

“When I prepare for a role, I really have to dig into the story of the script,” [Gawin] explains. “Sometimes they do the last scenes of the series on the first day of being on set. So, you have to be really prepared with the entire story. You’ve got to know the whole thing, what emotions that character went through, and the changes with that character.” 

I think part of what makes Krist and Gawin a good combination is that they’re strong actors with different energies who might just have different ways of preparing for a role. I’d love to hear both of them talk in more detail about their processes, but it seems to me like Krist looks inward for personal experiences to connect with the character, and Gawin creates the character he’s playing based on research.

Another interesting point is that In that same interview, Gawin says he thinks Saifa from Enchanté most resembles his personality (easygoing, music lover, etc.), but he got his start as Mork from the Kiss series (attitude issues, perfect sasspot, etc.). Meanwhile, Krist had an easy link to his first major role, Arthit, in that he’d also been head hazer in university. So Krist started his career able to access a common point with his character, so that might’ve influenced his approach to future roles. Whereas Gawin started off with a character completely unlike himself, so he started from a place of more emotional detachment and probably a more research-oriented approach.

Also, they just seem to have connected on a personal level.

Working with someone so different gives actors the opportunity to learn from each other. When interviewed, Gawin said he and Krist discovered they have a lot in common, and it seems like they bonded over music and spent a lot of time on set singing together. (Their harmonizing is genuinely beautiful.)

Krist’s OST for the series is one of my favorites and Gawin has a ballad coming up later in the series, but I hope they give them a duet at some point. (It’d be a huge missed opportunity if they don’t.)

CATS???

One of the sponsors for the series is fucking Wiskas.

This could just be because Krist is their brand ambassador. (The man has four cats. He has an army to feed.)

OR there is a feline presence in the show. If this is true, I will die, because Triage, series of my soul, also had cats in it.

Listen, I will send TWO baskets of whatever Waa likes if he's enabled me to make the "if I had a nickel for every time there have been cats in a Thai BL time loop series, I'd have two nickels. It's not a lot but it's weird that it happened twice" joke.

CONCLUSION

Big fan! Love it all! (PLEASE CATS.)

I’ll leave this here as an introductory post, and I’ll make separate posts for my individual episode thoughts using #key watches bmf.

[buttacake80]

My grandmother was born in 1912 or 1913 (birth records vary) outside of Allentown, Georgia, outside of Dublin. All of her grandparents were formerly enslaved [born between 1840-1850]. One of her great-grandmothers was alive for the first 10 years of her life [born about 1820]. This great-grandmother was Gullah-Geechee.

When she was about 7, she survived the Red Summer of 1919.

This was her maternal cousin:

This involved a paternal cousin:

Somewhere in my files, I have a death certificate of another cousin who was lynched. He was leaving church with his family; the cause of death was listed as an "accidental" shooting. But I seem to recall he was shot 13x.

Anyway, she was the second eldest of 13 children, but her eldest sister died young, so she was the eldest sibling. By the time she was in her teens, she was working as a nanny for white families.

She was put on a bus and sent north to Illinois, where she had a great aunt. This great aunt was the child of the Gullah-Geechee and practiced rootwork.

In her late teens, she became pregnant by the man of the house. The wife's family took exception. I think they beat him, but I know they gave my grandmother 24 hours to leave town or she was dead.

[Ya see...the man had been an active member of the KKK and it didn't look good on him to have a biracial baby with a Black teenager. That baby had to go!]

She was a well-known abortionist.

She knew the right herbs to give a woman if the pregnancy was early enough otherwise, she would use a coat hanger, hot water, and a lot of prayer.

She performed an abortion on my grandmother. A few years later, my grandmother marries and starts a family with a military man. He returns from WWII completely broken. We now call it PTSD but he was simply viewed as a coward.

He abandoned her and their 4 kids.

She's always been an attractive woman. And men have always been eager to take care of her, so she carries on with married men, usually white. Has a couple of kids outta wedlock (tried and failed at aborting].

Marries a white man in 1968. Soon after the Loving decision.

This man we call "Mister".

Mister wasn't a nice man. He's tolerated her family. This man is my grandfather, but we could never, ever call him that. Wouldn't really want to.

He developed Alzheimer's when I was in my teens. There was a time when I didn't know which Mister I would encounter.

He sat on a porch swing. In order to enter her house, you had to walk past his swing.

Some days he would storm violently out of the swing. "If it ain't raining niggers and tar-babies" or "here comes the porch monkeys".

Other days, he was disgustingly flirtatious. He would adjust his clothes and smooth back his hair before introducing himself. Making sexual comments about my 14-16 year old body. Sometimes, he would reach for me, but a swat of the hand could knock him over.

Days after his funeral, my aunt goes through an old chest that Mister kept tucked back in his closet. Inside were several postcards from lynchings with his handwriting, noting the date. Buttons and other items that were assumed to be momentos from lynchings he attended.

I didn't understand that duality at the time.

Mister was buried in a known sundown town. It is still a sundown town to this day. In fact, a few Memorial Days ago, my mother was chased from that town after she had visited Mister's grave. Like two pickup trucks full of young white boys chasing a 70+ Black woman through the country roads of Illinois.

In 2021!

Both of my parents are from the Jim Crow Era and thought the period of outward violence was behind them. They sat in the Coloreds Only section or drank from the Coloreds Only water fountain.

My dad was a child in the early 60s when distant relatives were evicted from their farms outside of Memphis. Why? They had registered to vote, so their white landlord evicted them. My dad recalls other Black families who owned their land were also evicted, and he remembers the fire that destroyed those records.

My dad was 15 when MLK, Jr. was invited to Memphis for the Sanitation Workers strike. He remembers the moment he learned King had been murdered in his city. He remembers the riots.

My parents were alive for the signing of the Civil Rights Act.

It saddens me to think that within their lifetime, they saw such slow progression only for it to be unraveled so swiftly.

My grandmother lived to be 102 or 103 (dying 3 months shy of her next birthday). She lived until 2016, so she was alive to vote for our first (and only) Black president, and I distinctly recall her disbelief that white folk would not only vote for a Black man, but that they would let that Black man live.

Providing all of that context, I am not surprised that I have been thinking about her A LOT these past couple of weeks.

First, I think about her great-aunt, the abortionist, and how dangerous abortions were prior to Roe v. Wade. That hanger could puncture organs, leading to massive blood loss. Many women risked death rather than carry a child that was born of rape, incest, or were just plain outside of the woman's plans.

I think about my grandmother, who often said that it had not been a consensual encounter that led to her pregnancy. White folks threatened to kill her because she got pregnant, then she risked death to terminate that pregnancy, so she could find a normal life.

I think about the women, post Roe, who faced similar situations but were granted a safe abortion. Even if Trump implements a nationwide abortion ban, women will still seek abortions. We have only forced them to seek out those coathangers again.

Second, I think about the summer-long race massacre she survived. When I was a senior in college, I had to do a family research project which triggered my genealogy journey.

I interviewed and recorded my grandmother, asking for her earliest memory. She always said her first memory was standing on a train platform, waving goodbye to one of her uncles as he went off to fight in World War I.

Her second involved another family member. According to her, a lynch mob sought to kill him because he had voted. I don't recall if it was the same relative from her first memory, but this relative was also a veteran.

He had returned from Europe after wearing the uniform and thought he should be allowed to vote! A clever man, he dressed up as the janitor, then mopped his way to the voting area. I know he got the ballot. I can't remember if he was able to actually drop it in the box before they realized what he was doing. They chased him from the courthouse. He ran to his mother's home. The family intended to hide him through the night but once they heard the bloodhounds, they knew they weren't letting it go. So he rapidly packed his belongings, kissed his mother goodbye, then fled into the woods. He survived by hiding in either a dead animal or a decaying tree. Whatever it was, it was dead, so the scent covered his. Once he was safe in another state, he wrote his mother to let her know he was safe.

I imagine living in such a time period when white people could be so fickle with human life. A time when a white woman could lie and get Black folk killed. I know there are violent people who commit violent acts, but I am talking about a period when an entire people could and DID commit murder and got away with it.

Although I haven't given up on this country, I have given up on white people ever learning from history or their mistakes.

In fact, they have taken active steps to suppress that history. To ignore those who lived through it until they die, then totally rewrite history. It's what white people do.

A huge portion of them relish violence. So many are seeking an opportunity to terrorize Black folk just like their ancestors did.

They don't want us to vote.

They don't want us to own property.

They don't want us to obtain college educations.

They don't want us to fully realize the American dream; they have taken hostile steps to ensure just that.

You got the MAGA who are so totally uneducated and resentful of the fact that their whiteness doesn't hold as much capital as it once did. You got the greedy white folk who are never satisfied with their wealth, who build up their esteem by stripping others of theirs, then fill their hollow souls with designer brands. You got the religious hypocrites who rejoice in human misery and have openly labeled Jesus Christ as being "too woke". Then, you got the other white folk who are too "uncomfortable" to confront those OTHER white folk despite knowing they are wrong.

I know there are *good* white individuals but, as a people, y'all are fucking lacking as human beings.

[theflyingfeeling]

Aaaaaaa OlliAllu crushing on each other aaaaaaa 🥺💖💕

I wanna know everything about the timeline! 😍

Thanks for asking!! My favourite topic!! 🥺

So just as a disclaimer: the following is based on nothing much but my vivid & delusional imagination (except that it's all totally true and real 😌)

Behold,

💖 The Olli/Allu Love Story Timeline* 💖

(*according to theflyingfeeling / this is gospel truth okay don't fight me)

Pre-Aleksi-joining-the-band / Timebomb -> becoming friends 👨🏼‍🤝‍👨🏻

So I imagine that before Aleksi joined the band, he and Olli were friendly but maybe not super close (or as close as Aleksi may have been to Joel/Joonas/Niko). They respected each other as musicians and, as time passed, figured the other is a pretty cool dude to hang out with and fun to play shows with 🤝 By the time Aleksi joined the band, they were already good friends 😌

(I love how from the very beginning it was not unusual to spot them next to each other in pictures (yes yes I know about their team short/team tall arrangement in pictures, humour me a little here though)

Can we also cry about this (irrelevant to Olli/Allu (unless Olli wrote this)):

"our lovely friend" 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

*

2021: UMK / Eurovision / post-Eurovision -> developing the crush 💕

They started working on Dark Side pretty much right/around when Aleksi first joined the band, right? By then they all, including Olli, had spent more and more time with Aleksi in the studio as well as on stage before he officially joined the band. During the UMK/Eurovision project, however, they were suddenly working together way more intensely (especially after winning UMK), so I like to think that was when their friendship deepened and they found out just how much they have in common (e.g. all their nerdy mutual interests). They probably started to chat more just the two of them (in the UMK video 15 facts about Blind Channel, Aleksi mentioned calling Olli (and always catching him biking lol)) and sort of just drifted towards each other so that they were frequently seen together (the screencap on the right is taken seconds before they stop to stare each other in the eyes, sorry I don't have a gif of that) 💕

(and no I haven't done extensive research on how much more often they were spotted together in comparison to how often they were spotted with other band members just sshhhhhh it's not like this is a doctoral thesis)

If I recall correctly, they also did some interviews together, at least this one where they look like they had just woken up from a nap with lots of cuddles (and maybe even some shy kisses for fun (because sometimes good friends make out for the lols, right??), I mean come on, they look so soft 🥺💓

They also sat (and partied) next to each other during the finale, and shared that one looooooooong hug I mean COME OOOOOON they don't want to let go of each other 😭

Of course, we cannot forget about the tipsy/drunken cuddles during that interview (and in the hotel room a bit later, source: I just know it in my heart) 💞

(remember also the other, less known drunk interview that showed Olli staring at Aleksi dreamily 🥺)

I think around this time they also got a bit flirty with each other for the first time? At least if one is to interpret the way Olli "mocks" (lovingly <3) how Aleksi says his middle name in the hotel room IG stream they did (and of course we're going to interpret the heck out of that, that's why I'm writing this whole thing for 😌 (I still crack up at Niko's "I thought it was Mattson" every time though lol))

Another highlight from 2021 was obviously the moments they shared in the Posse shower stall we have been discussing lately, which show exactly how comfortable they are with each other 😩

Also, I can't remember for sure and I can't find the ask for reference, but was it the summer of 2021 when Aleksi had to miss a show (because he was sick or something?), and reportedly Olli had been all quiet and gloomy that day, to the point that Niko pointed it out on stage during their show, telling the audience (jokingly) that they're sorta worried about Olli because he has barely said a word all day? I remember talking about this with someone and they had videos/pictures/?? about it too, but until I have some actual evidence of this, you're just gonna have to take my word of it 😌 In any case, it goes to show how much they meant to each other already back then 😭

To conclude, I think the year 2021 was the year they slowly developed their (mutual) crush, but without fully realising what was happening. There were some cheeky cuddles (perhaps even sleepy/drunken kisses) and friendly teasing which was totally NOT flirting although it totally was, they weren't just ready to admit it and butterflies in the stomach that they tried to ignore; they're fairly certain they like each other platonically and nothing more, even though they can't help but smile a little more brightly when they get a text from each other and they miss each other a little too much when they're apart... 💕

*

Spring/summer 2022: the US tour / the EU tour / the summer (tour) -> getting together 💞

Let's start off with this poor-quality gif I just made, for no particular reason except that I want y'all to look at how cute they are 🥰

According to Niko (source: just trust me alright, I think he said it on twitter but naturally I can't find anything rn), as I'm sure many of you know by now, during the US tour Olli and Aleksi were often the last ones awake in the tour bus, drinking Mountain Dew and chatting away about nerdy stuff. I think this is when they really grew closer and I can easily imagine that around this time the first thoughts of "what if..." entered their minds 😳

Maybe they sometimes ended up just staring into each others eyes lovingly, before realising neither has said anything for a while (and it was sort of awkward when they did realise, but they just laughed it off), or maybe there were accidental/absentminded touches; maybe they both just felt so warm and cozy in each other's company, and even though they were both getting a little sleepy, they kept on talking for a few more moments because they weren't ready to let go of the moment and "burst the bubble". Maybe they were joking around and being low-key flirty, and when they finally went to bed, they'd be going out of their minds in their bunkbeds, trying not to think about all that too hard.

I like to think that eventually they got more daring, sat more closer to each other, and suddenly the small touches weren't accidental anymore. They could have an entire conversation with Aleksi's hand on Olli's thigh or vice versa and it would feel so nice and so natural 💞 There may have been a few kisses too, just for fun and because the vibes are right, and maaaaaaybe they don't really talk about it that much, but they definitely can't wait to try that again somewhere a bit more private 👀

Speaking of which, we also know that they roomed together at least once ("Little Man asked first"), and by some inexplicable coincidence, the two of them were the only ones in the band who got ill during the tour? Huh, that's strange 🤔😌 So I have a reason to believe the US tour was when they first got together, even if they thought they were just fooling around back then 🥰

(can't think of anything in particular to say about the EU tour in the spring, but we can look at these pictures nevertheless 💗_💗)

and then 🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭😭😭😭

Getting emotional receiving the gold records in Ruisrock, hugging each other the first thing because who else would they hug, what more prove do you even need to see how much these two love each other 😭

We also know that in the summer 2022 Olli stayed at Aleksi's when he was in Helsinki (not sure if this happened every time he was in the capital but there were a few occasions), I think they were spotted grocery shopping together or something? They also participated in this interview together, providing us moments such as

1) the two of them sitting tightly in Aleksi's (?) car,

2) hearing that they had spent the night together watching old tour videos,

3) Olli commenting on Aleksi's outfit ("I warned you..." = he had been looking at Aleksi's dick through his pants 🥰 (at least I assume it's about the romper that showed the outline of his peepee? he says "last summer" but I don't think his outfit in the 2021 summer tour was as controversial? it was literally just a black t-shirt (with a white long-sleeve underneath sometimes) and black trousers, so I assume he means "the summer that has passed" (the interview took place in August))

4) Olli's surprise when Aleksi says he, too, would like to collaborate with Skrillex and Aleksi teasing Olli about "having thought about Skrillex last night" (don't worry Aleksi, I'm sure he was thinking more about you than Skrillex 🥺)

To sum up, in the first half of the year 2022, they got together for the first time and formed a special kinda bond, slowly falling in deep, soft love 🥺💕

*

Autumn 2022: the EU headline tour, the London & LA song-writing camps -> honeymoon time 💖

...yeah, I wonder what happened during the EU headline tour 😳

(they fucked. a lot. rough. this is the truth.)

...and before they left for the honeymoon song-writing camp, they did the cutest thing that any two humans have ever done in the history of the universe 😭

I mean 😭😭😭😭 are y'all still crying about this?! because I never stopped 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 you can just imagine them grocery shopping for studio snacks together and they spot this card (I do wonder what the picture on the front is) and have this grand idea and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the giggles when they wrote the card and gave it to daddy!Johnny AAAAAAAAAAA I'm going to explode if I think about how unbelieavably cute it all is, is this not something you do with a very special bro of yours?! I cannot handle it 🥺💕

In London they went on a date on Olli's birthday (yes I have decided the others weren't there 😌) and Aleksi took the most boyfriend picture of him because they're boyfriends in love 🥺

In LA we know they shared the bed (source: you can't prove they didn't!!) and looked very very soft and boyfriends; in conclusion, they were on a honeymoon 💖

*

2023: boyfriends boyfriending 💓💞💕💖💗

And yeah, that sort of brings us to this year and the way they are now, so cute and sweet and boyfriend and touching each other for no reason thinking they're being discreet and playfighting and giggling at each other's joke like they're the most hilarious person that ever lived and smiling sweetly when they see the other has replied to their text and being so fucking cute in Aleksi's twitch streams without Olli even physically being there and getting engaged for real and just 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Of course there are soooooooooo many moments over the years that I also want to mention but can't really pinpoint in the timeline, such as all the clothes/accessory-sharing and adopting each other's style (cuffed jeans and tucked-in shirts) and the wine drinking while listening to soft music and cuddling in meet-and-greet pictures and looking so happy about it too and in general always sitting/standing next to each other in pictures ("but they don't always--" YES they do always, don't even fight me about this 😤), the evidence is right there in front of your own two eyeballs if only you choose to see it and live like a king the way we do here in the Olli/Allu Delulu Land ✨

Finally, let me do a random photo dump to further illustrate my point if you're not yet convinced for some reason (and to reach the 30 pictures per post limit) 💖

(sorry for no sources, if this is the reason I go to jail I'm going happily)

[zhiroaesthetics]

Mid-Summer Writing Updates

Was told that giving updates about non-major works is also valid to prove that this page is alive so...teehee!

Mental Check

To say that I've been slacking this year is a grave understatement. It frustrates me because posting in December 2023 (Kaveh) then January 2024 (Haruaki) truly made me believe that I had found my groove, then I saw my stats and gave up, yay! It's just hard writing when I already don't have the healthiest approach towards writing (it's really bad, like I cried so much writing both of those drafts), and that level of effort goes unnoticed by both the audience and myself. But I've slowly been accepting the fact that I can't gain the audience I want if I don't prove that I exist. After all, posting since 2021(?) but not even having ten entries is silly. With that being said, I have been writing consistently over the summer, but have been slowed down because I've been active, like this is the first week that I've been in my room this entire month.

Goals for Pre-Fall 2024

I'm definitely going to have at least three posts before the end of the year. I always try to have more than the year prior, and considering how little I have to my name, it's been pretty doable.

I've been going back and forth between Bowman (Granblue Fantasy) and Kyo (King of Fighters) for the past two months, and I know for the latter that his second draft is going to be posted before fall, though I'm not sure about the former. My writer's block on his draft isn't the worst despite the fact that I have to rewrite the first half of what I currently have, but I struggle trying to prioritize that draft over Kyo's given that I don't know how well a NSFW Bowman entry would be perceived. Regardless, if I post twice before Late August, expect for it to be these two bums.

Goals for Fall 2024

This is tricky, as it HIGHLY DEPENDS on what I end up fixating on, but definitely expect Tai Gong Wang (Fate/Grand Order). I've been wanting to write him since the beginning of time, but lack of knowledge on his character thanks to me exclusively playing FGO on the global server and things implied under mental check made it hard for me to prioritize writing the idea that was practically given to me. But what was initially supposed to be a collector's item ended up being NP3 and LVL 100, so I'm taking it as a sign to - at some point - lock in, and I think doing so right after clearing out my current drafts would be perfect timing.

Do, however, look out for these people:

Blade (Honkai: Star Rail)

Diluc (Genshin Impact)

Charlemagne (Fate)

Goals for Winter 2024/5

Yae Miko. Despite her being a December 2024 goal, she's one of my more ambitious projects due to research and it not being a one chapter entry. Even as I'm currently working on Kyo and Bowman, I'm immersing myself within The Pillow Book, as Sei's story is what most of Yae Miko's story will be in reference to. Also Haruaki, again, hopefully January 1st.

Do, however, look out for these people:

Kaveh (Genshin Impact)

Saichi Sugimoto (Golden Kamuy)

Miscellaneous

Girl if you saw how far I made it into my Senji draft, when I started, and when I stopped, you'd be wondering why my #1 isn't in any of my defined goals. And I'd say shit happens! Senji's draft had a very extensive outline, and I lost that very extensive outline, so I lost my motivation yay! Nevertheless, I still want to get it out there because I think it's a really funny one chapter entry.

Also Toji. Very much an outlier, but I've been putting him on the backburner because his draft is also one of my more ambitious projects, but one that challenges my writing skills in a duller way because of the amount of mundane scenes present. Also not a one chapter entry.

Anyways uh, thanks for peeping the yap session, meow!

[deepautumncolors]

💅🏻 ~New Year's Mani~ 💅🏻

Hi everyone! Since New Year’s is in the middle of the week, I postponed my usual Manicure Monday post (and also because I didn’t have it done in time!). My last manicure of the year is a black background with multicolored glitter on top. Shoutout to @ohmyg0sh for coming up with the idea! I’ve always thought black would be a good nail color for New Year’s Eve, but I never had any until this year.

The name of the base polish is Black Satin from the Lasting Finish Pro line, which isn’t around anymore. If it looks familiar, that’s because I also wore it for Halloween two months ago. I skipped the base coat this time, which I may regret when I remove it next week, but we’ll see how it goes. The first coat was sheer and streaky just like last time, but the second coat resolved the problems and made it opaque. This is what it looks like by itself.

Sunlight:

Shade:

Then I added You Had Me at Confetti from OPI’s Celebration Collection, which was released in Winter 2021. I haven’t worn it since LAST New Year’s when I wore it over a deep blue teal. On top of black this time, it definitely resembles the fireworks and confetti that fill the night sky when the ball drops in Times Square and the clock strikes twelve!

I usually go over my nails once or twice with the glitter and then fill in the empty spots. When you put on sparkles like this, it’s better to dab the brush instead of swiping it to make sure they’re spread out evenly so they don’t all end up towards the top of your nails. When I was almost done applying the glitter, I figured out another way to make sure all the glitter doesn’t land in the same spot: to not only start at the bottom and paint towards the top as usual, but to also start at the top and paint towards the bottom so that they meet in the middle. I wish I had thought of that sooner, but I’ll remember for next time. A lot of the bigger sized flakes were stuck at the bottom of the bottle, so I had to fish around for them and keep tipping the bottle upside down. I messed up the side of my right thumb nail after I was done, but I was able to salvage it without starting over. I’m extremely pleased with how they came out in the end!

At this point I’ve reviewed just about all my polishes and I didn’t get any new ones for Christmas, so I probably won’t have as many reviews in 2025 – unless I buy myself any or borrow some more of my sister’s the next time I see her. I may add OPI’s Cajun Shrimp to my collection, but if I do, I wouldn’t wear it until the summer. I think this year it will be nice to wear some repeats that I haven’t worn in a couple years, and I’ll try to stay on the schedule of painting my nails every other week like I’ve been doing. Maybe I’ll also try doing some more skittle manicures like the one I did for Easter last year and new color combinations that I’ve never done before.

🎉 Happy New Year! 🎉

[barzzal]

Be warned this is gonna be long i apologize in advance, but this is all just me giving a massive kudos to you and your work. I’m so happy to see this updated thank you for your hard work and talented writing.

*inhales*

*exhales*

After reading interlude ii for CMC and as usual I loved it to bits but also I AM SUDDENLY CONFLICTED? With BOTH SIDES????? The whole time I was like “Yeah Sidney take the fucking L” but now that we have the full detailed story of how it led up to that moment, suddenly the situation is so much more complicated. HE ACTUALLY WAS READY AT THE LAST MOMENT OH GOD HE WAS GOING TO DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING TO MAKE IT UP TO HER AND THE BABY HE WAS READY TO BE A PARTNER AND DAD-

And now my head is in my hands as I think: ‘Oh my god. Reader didn’t give him a chance to be a dad to Lucas for NEARLY SEVEN YEARS (even though she was justifiably pissed at him) AND HE THOUGHT HIS BABY WAS GONE’

And, please hear me out. The pregnancy and the actual birth of the baby are two different parts of the process. It’s different for everyone, but sometimes it takes a few weeks or months for the parents to feel a connection with their baby once they’re born; It’s actually quite common among parents. Same goes for the pregnancy term. It’s fucking scary, raising a child; You’re not just living your life for yourself, you’re living your life for the best interest of your child. And while there’s absolutely no excuse for Sid and his emotional distance/neglect (believe me when I say I still want to sock him in the face for his initial reaction), it does bring perspective at to why he reacted that way. Correct me if I’m wrong, but he was scared that his commitment to his career would end up hurting his kid, not being able to be there for them. Of course, dumbass man sucked at communicating that to Reader properly huh

But he did come back. He did return. He was ready to begin repenting. Lucas wasn’t even born yet and he was ready to do right by him and Reader both.

Suddenly I am now in full panic mode because once Lucas gets older enough to question why did his mom keep him away from his dad if both parents loved and wanted him from the start. And I know reader said in previous chapters that everything she did was for her son and his happiness and safety which is an absolute HELL YES THAT’S WHAT BEING A PARENT IS ABOUT, but did she ever consider the possibility that keeping them both hidden away from Sid would potentially hurt all of them more than it would help? Lucas never got to meet the other side of the family; Troy and Trina never got to be grandparents, Taylor never got to be an aunt. They weren’t able to see Lucas grow up, and I just know they would’ve loved him the moment they were told of his existence.

Am I allowed to feel angry at both Sid and Reader? I am so sorry I… just love this story so much, I’ve never felt so many emotions reading before. Please correct me if I’m wrong in any way.

first of all, ily oh gosh. i never expect a comment this long from anyone but omg thank you!! i appreciate you taking the time to lmk which part/s u like/impacted u most 🥺 not lying when i say i was smiling as i read it entirely it’s truly fulfilling to come across a reader as passionate as u so endless thanks my dear 🫶🏻

second, ALL FEELINGS ARE VALID! i honestly can’t wait for them to be happy why can’t they just sit together and talk things out it’s not that hard 😭 had enough of little lukey having to bear poor adult choices!!

to clarify tho, since i’ve been mia on here and on the updates, the series was supposed to be done in 2022 😫 so our timeline for cmc would be that it’s still 2021 going 2022 (refer to teaser #3).

for everyone to be on the same page, allow me to recapitulate:

april 2015

refer to teaser #1

sidney is 27 yrs. turning 28 yrs. in aug

reader is 26 yrs.

first month of summer, 2015

june: reader finds out she’s pregnant

july: miscarriage scare; sid and reader break up before kris’ wedding

post breakup, 2015-2016

sidney wins the cup, oct 2015 to june 2016

post breakup, 2016

january: luke is born on 6th of january (kind of like his dad’s bday 8.7.87 = 1.6.16)

post breakup, 2016-2017

sidney wins another cup, oct 2016 to april 2017

post breakup, 2019

reader moves back to pittsburgh; hides sid’s son

post break up, 2021 [we’ll go back to this timeline on ch. 6]

sidney is 33 yrs. going 34 yrs. (refer to teaser #2)

reader is 31 going 32

luke is 5 yrs. a few months older than geno’s son, nikita

minimum age requirement for sid’s little penguins hockey is 5 yrs.

luke enters hockey program, meets sidney; sidney meets luke and reader

timeline for ch. 6 until stated otherwise

ANYWAY, i’m so excited we’re now on the second half of the series!!! ✨and the plot thickens✨

[xiaoluclair]

38 lestappen

38. life or death kiss // lestappen // [ rating: M ] // skip all the way to the end for warnings but beware they do contain spoilers (obviously lol). also: MILD SMUT. not beta read! expect plenty of mistakes oops.

(the format of one section is inspired by a part from all to play for. it's small, but credit where credit is due.)

---

there is a prayer in the room, period one: 

don’t touch, don’t touch, don’t touch.

it speaks since hasselt, 1997. later (years later), he pictures a wikipedia page: the birth with a 500% death rate.

the baby next door goes home and is dressed in a swaddle of mint green. max goes home and is dressed in black.

a month after, his father asks, “can he still race?” it is not quite acceptance. it is as close as he is given for a while. 

they have pets. max, for all he knows about liking things, likes their pets. three dogs, four cats, two budgies, a pigeon. later (years later) he does not remember the soft of their fur, the tickle of their ears, the chip of their beaks.

older, he asks, did we give them to other people?

no, replies his father. you would not let me. now put your helmet on.

they had pets.

under gloves is where it hides, sleeps in pale skin. sweaty summers, blessed winters. winter, coincidentally, is his favorite time. good time, easier time. less poking curiosity from his class. a CONFIDENTIAL watermark over his name, his contract clauses, his life.

his dad finds him within a small patch of daisies by the hairpin. the skin on his hands is breathing, finding sunlight in the air. he says, "put your suit on."

max tries, "just one minute? the flowers are very beautiful."

his dad does not disagree. instead he crouches down, takes max's hand without much force. brings it to the ground between the grass. then, he he lets him go.

max stares up at him. he says, "put your suit on."

"but," says max. put your suit on. his dad only watches. waits. the grass thrums between max's fingers. a tickle touches his skin; a spider has found his thumb.

his dad says, "now." max takes his hand off the grass.

immediately, it starts to turn leathery. the daisies go brown, their stems withering. the spider curls into itself until it is a rib of thin legs, stills. max could touch it now. it would not change.

it is horrific.

what his dad says: "winners do not care about beauty."

what max remembers: winners are not beautiful.

anyway. max wins.

and wins.

and wins.

and wins.

he says later (years later), it was always just me and my dad. if i had a mother, it was racing. and i've made both of them proud today i think, so. it was worth it.

it was worth it.

he meets charles in the spring of 2012.

it's almost like meeting two people. in front of the camera, like a polished streak of metal. then on track, the abrasion of him. after, between walls, the thought of shutting him up, quietening his mouth with his own.

you could get me disqualified!

what about me? you pushed me first!

charles glances down more than a few times. max, the memory of a daisy in his head, flips him the bird before walking away.

in the van, he grabs his bottle of water. throws up into it.

anyway. apparently that is the start of a thing (nameless).

he meets charles in the winter of 2018.

he meets charles in the summer of 2019.

he meets charles in the autumn of 2020.

he meets charles in the spring of 2021.

there's the five of them, talking quietly together before the press conference starts. the current topic: charles.

he asks, “you had a problem in f2, right?” and charles, of course, nods. lando lets out a laugh. valterri blinks at the ceiling.

anyway, the red car is in the wall before lap two.

apparently charles is cursed too.

in 2021, max wins his first championship.

in 2022, he wins his second.

in 2023, he wins his third.

in the midst of them, there is a conversation:

he's in a club and the lights are low. sweat drips like rain down his back. he can feel it, the lake collecting in the hollow of his spine as he leans against the seat-back.

it displaces under the warm weight of a hand. 'sup, maximus?

daniel is drunk. he can barely hold conversation so he is very drunk. across the table, pierre is spilling a caipirinha over himself. daniel is also flirty, which says nothing about his inebriety. max, has anyone told you, you're very beautiful.

max rolls his eyes, tucks away the sour that threatens his mouth. winners, he says, the gin and tonic says, are not beautiful.

when he looks up, there are eyes already on him. charles turns, passes pierre another napkin.

in 2028, max retires with 4 championships. in abu dhabi, lando gives him a pack of colored fabric pens. for leather.

"for your." he nods to max's hands. there is latex on them right now ㅡ he has yet to change.

max grins. "thanks, mate. i'll have lots of fun with this one."

lando rolls his eyes. he's probably thinking max will draw a penis.

he's probably right.

in 2032, charles wins a championship. wins his first championship.

he opens the door of his hotel room the next afternoon, mouth like the moon. he offers max some room service soup. they chat, watch replays.

at a point (nameless), max catches charles's eyes. dark, heavy. his swallow gets stuck in his throat.

he thinks: just this once. just this time.

later (minutes later) charles, red, glistening, glowing from face to feet, comes stuttering on max's sweats, all over his glove.

he looks beautiful.

just this once. just this time.

what a load of bullshit.

inevitably probably, charles brings it up. max is crusting in his underwear, thinking of soaking a towel, when he does. he says, "you never touch me."

max blinks. shifts to rest on an elbow. he wiggles a hand, white on latex. "i do."

charles takes it and lowers it to the ruffled covers. "you know what i mean." asks, “why not?”

max bites his lip. glances at charles's own. away again. tells him, “you are beautiful.” 

an eyebrow quirks. "so?"

"so," says max, "i cannot."

after a moment: "i thought you said winners were not beautiful."

yeah. he did. his shoulders shrug and something small and heavy slips from their bone. "i was wrong."

after another moment: "i think you are beautiful too."

"good," replies max, cheeky. charles unravels him again far too soon until it is raw, on the verge painful, thin as a thread or the edge of a blade.

max is watching the race from his friend's balcony. he watches: car number 2 trip across the nouvelle chicane, car number 36 nearly slide into the wall at portier, car number 16 cross the line first.

after, in the evening, charles blisters his way into max's apartment. grabs one of max's gloves from drawer of the trophy cabinet. max is pushed gracelessly into the couch cushions.

equalizer 2 plays listlessly in the background as he comes on the leather over charles's fingers, the crude, childish drawing of a penis.

out of the blue one night, charles says, "i am in love with you."

across the couch, a lead weight knots itself through max's stomach. he says, "you cannot say that."

charles glances from the tv to their legs woven in the centre of the couch to max's face. "why not?"

max tries to explain, "it is a big thing."

charles says, "i know."

max thinks he would be more accepting of love if he knew how. if he grew with it. he knows love like: scraped skin, the edge of broken bones, a drop of gold.

he knows love like: the sun, the fur of bumblebees, a field of maize.

he does not know love like hot soup. like the swell of crescendo, like a heartbeat.

but he is learning.

in 2037, charles retires with 3 championships.

he lives in max's apartment in monaco. at some point, two cats appear. (appeared, echoes charles dubiously. max grins, innocence.)

so, they have pets.

once, he touches a plant. is knocked into it really, a rose on display at the garden centre, the edge of his cheek on a petal. it grays, withers, curls in guttering fashion. sickness steals right to his stomach. charles says, hey, a uniform walking by. do you have any fake plants?

the bedroom door locks at night to keep the cats out. sometimes, in the space (nameless) before they sleep, their hands will hold each other. hang above the floor between their beds. breathe in tandem.

charles: climbs a million mountains with his brothers, designs clothes, plays piano, comes home to max.

max: jet skis in every ocean, builds a karting track with daniel, wins sim races, comes home to charles.

and the cats. of course.

for many years, it is a good life.

everything is ready. within touching distance of the covers. a blue tube, piles of hand towels, energy bars, stacks of water bottles.

a laugh bubbles out from somewhere, the last dregs of ink from a pen. "this feels so fucking silly."

"i know," muses charles. "oh, i also brought jelly cubes." he gets them from his bag, puts them on the bedside table.

then. that's it. a gaze kneels in front of his own.

charles spreads his fingers, a flower in bloom. he whispers, "this is the hardest part."

max bites his lip. he puts his gloved hand into charles's palm.

charles's eyes are smiling a kaleidoscope, hair worn and soft between his skin.

this is it. thinks max. i'm about to touch a dead man. the thought makes him laugh.

charles grins too, like he knows max's head. he does, a little. he murmurs, "a kiss to seal the deal?" his eyes flick down.

a memory: you could get me disqualified. what about me? you pushed me first.

max pulls him in the rest of the way.

he pushed me, i pushed him back. you never touch me. winners are not beautiful. i am in love with you. you cannot say that. why not? nothing, just an incident. you are beautiful. winners do not care about beauty. just this once. just this time. i think you are beautiful too. i do. it is a big thing. i know.

i'm in love with you too.

there is a prayer in the room, period two: 

don’t let go, i won’t, don’t let go, i won’t, don’t let go, i won’t. 

the covers are off to the side. i get sweaty, max had said, when charles tried to lazily tug him closer. charles didn't waste much time expending the duvet after that.

they talk, a lot. more than he would've expected. "sometimes i think that is all we needed. someone else," murmurs max. he is aware of charles's touch as it moves down his stomach. he is also not usually one for what ifs.

(your mother was a racer herself. do you think she would be proud?

i don't know. it was always just me and my dad. if i had a mother, it was racing.)

"maybe," says charles quietly. "or maybe it would have been the same. maybe it could have been worse."

max says, "i wonder if they would've been like me."

charles hums. his hand has burned a line to the crease in max's legs. "i think it might be wonderful," he says eventually, "to have more of you in the world." then his hand slips entirely around him.

the sound max makes hits the back of charles's throat, is swallowed into his belly.

they shower together three times. max presses him into the wall, sinks to his knees. sucks the life out of him. they dry in the air three times, in the worn sheets that once lay made over the beds.

arthur asks once a day if it's normal for sassy to stare at him. she looks carnivorous, his texts read. the other one keeps jumping on me while i'm working out.

charles replies. max folds himself around his back. they laugh, they fuck, they eat, they drink, they shower, they sleep. they kiss, they kiss, they kiss. they touch.

a week is up far too soon.

this is the hardest part, charles had said.

no, thinks max as charles thumbs the skin of his shoulder. his smile is soft honey in the heat of sunrise. his moles glow. he is beautiful. this is.

charles says, "so? was it everything you dreamed of and more?" he is desert hot and clammy. his fingers are tender. the fatelines on his palms press to max's own.

max kisses him. "it was everything."

charles smiles into it. then, he lets go. they both do.

on may 3rd 2052, max goes home and dresses in black.

he has a clasp around his throat, unassumingly rectangular, engraved: CLV. a note in ink: worth it.

there is a prayer in the room, period one: 

thank you, thank you, thank you.

(it was beautiful.)

WARNINGS: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH | MILD SMUT

[mariacallous]

ŠABAC, Serbia (JTA) — On a recent morning in the Serbian town of Šabac, 69-year-old Borka Marinković sat around a table with half a dozen schoolteachers, none of them Jewish, and opened up about her complicated life as the daughter of Holocaust survivors.

Marinković’s mother was interned at a concentration camp on the Croatian island of Rab, but in 1943, partisans rescued her and she joined the resistance effort as a cryptographer. She then met Marinković’s father, a Yugoslavian partisan.

Three years later, after the war ended, they married and began a family, but they rarely spoke of the horrors they had endured. Only at the age of 15 did Marinković, née Salcberger — whose first name means “fighter” — even learn she was a Jew.

“In 1983, I married a Serb and gladly took his family name. Somehow it helped me assimilate into the new society,” said Marinković. “But the ethnic wars of the 1990s gave me flashbacks of the Holocaust, and at some point in my life I felt ashamed that I had kept my Jewish identity secret.”

Marinković, who told her story calmly but brought her entire audience to tears, eventually wrote a book about the tortured experiences of second-generation Holocaust survivors like herself.

“This is my first time speaking with teachers,” Marinković told the Jewish Telegraphic Agency through a translator after her story, which was followed by a breakaway session in which educators discussed how to use the narrative in a classroom setting. “I get emotional when I talk about my parents, but I think this message is very important for future generations.”

Marinković and two other second-generation survivors were participating in a seminar with 30 Serbian teachers at the Hotel Sloboda in Šabac (pronounced SHA-betz), a town on the banks of the Sava River whose small Jewish community was decimated during the war. The hotel is only two city blocks from a branch of the national bank where in August 1941 the Nazis hanged 10 prominent Šabac Jews from electricity poles.

The event was arranged by The Olga Lengyel Institute for Holocaust Studies and Human Rights (TOLI) — a New York-based nonprofit that provides Holocaust education programs to teachers in the United States and Europe — in conjunction with local partner Terraforming, a Serbian civil society organization that teaches about the Holocaust and fights antisemitism and xenophobia.

Svetlana Maksimovic, 43, an English teacher at the seminar from the southern Serbian town of Prokulje, said “Serbs aren’t familiar with the Holocaust.”

“Even well-educated Serbs don’t know much about it,” said Maksimovic, a Serbian Orthodox woman who visited Israel last summer. “I think it’s a really big step for Serbia’s educational system that this topic is now being taught in schools.”

Oana Bajka, the associate director of TOLI International Programs, said the Aug. 21-24 event marked the 54th such seminar for TOLI and the third of its type in Serbia; the previous two, in 2021 and 2022, took place in Novi Sad, about an hour’s bus ride north of Šabac. TOLI now operates in 11 countries throughout Europe: Bulgaria, Croatia, Greece, Italy, Lithuania, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Serbia, Spain and Ukraine.

“In every country, the teachers gain an understanding about the responsibilities of their governments during the Holocaust,” said Bajka, who joined TOLI in 2019 and works from an office in Timasoara, Romania. “That’s one of our big challenges, because often governments have difficulty acknowledging their collaboration with Nazi Germany.”

Frequently, said Bajka, people tend to identify with their nation’s good deeds while overlooking the crimes. For example, she said, “in Bulgaria they talk a lot about saving Bulgarian Jews, and not so much Bulgaria’s role in deporting the Jews from Thrace and Macedonia.”

Under President Aleksandar Vučić, Serbia — like Poland, Hungary and most recently Slovakia — has veered politically to the far right in recent years. Local fascist and neo-Nazi groups are motivated by traditional antisemitism and anti-immigrant sentiment. Anger over the 2008 declaration of independence by predominantly Albanian-speaking Kosovo — which most Serbs consider an integral part of their country — has also fueled the rise of intense nationalism in this country of 7.1 million, which includes about 3,000 Jews.

Antisemitism and Holocaust discourse are issues elsewhere in the Balkans and in parts of Eastern Europe, too. Last year, Romania’s nationalist AUR party issued a statement calling Holocaust education — which had just been mandated in Romanian high schools — a “minor topic.” His comments were condemned by David Saranga, Israel’s then-ambassador to Romania. But on Aug. 28, Saranga’s successor, Reuven Azar, met with AUR’s president, George Simion, after the latter agreed that Romania is indeed responsible for the killing of Jews on territory it held during World War II.

Šabac resident Natalija Perišić decided to take action on the subject after reading the book “Sophie’s Choice.” Author William Styron based Sophie on Hungarian Holocaust survivor Olga Lengyel, whose 1946 book, “Five Chimneys: A Woman Survivor’s True Story of Auschwitz,” was one of the first published accounts about the Nazi genocide.

Perišić says the murder of six million Jews has particular relevance in Serbia, which helped perpetrate the July 1995 massacre of some 8,000 Bosniak Muslim men and boys in the town of Srebrenica during the 1992-95 Bosnian War. In 2013, then-Serbian President Tomislav Nikolić apologized for the “crime” of Srebrenica but refused to call it a genocide.

“We think of ourselves as a nation of people against fascism, and we like to think of Serbian bravery,” said Perišić. “But I do not see that we’ve drawn any lessons from the 1990s.”

Belgrade educator Alexander Todosijevic, president of the Serbia History Teachers’ Association, said that this program was especially timely, given the pressure teachers now face about how they present history.

“It’s very important for Serbian teachers to know about the Holocaust and to be motivated to teach it,” he said, adding that the seminar, which provided pedagogical approaches, has become popular in Serbia. More than 150 teachers applied to take part this year alone.

TOLI also takes its seminar participants to sites “connected to Jewish heritage and local history,” Bajka said. On the program this year was a scholarly presentation about the ill-fated Kladovo transport — a secret effort to help 1,051 Jewish refugees escape Nazi-occupied Europe via the Danube River and Black Sea to then-Palestine. The effort ended in failure when their chartered ship got stranded in Šabac, and the Nazis killed nearly everyone aboard or in the Sajmište concentration camp near Belgrade.

Teachers visited the burned-out remains of a mill that had temporarily housed about 500 refugees from the Kladovo transport, as well as a small synagogue where the Jews of Šabac used to pray.

Katarzyna Suszkiewicz, who heads the education department at Krakow’s Galicia Jewish Museum in Poland, said these teachers are “on the front lines.”

“They have direct contact with youth, and we must support them,” she said. “Local leaders or NGOs don’t have that kind of contact. And if teachers are incompetent or don’t know much, they’ll never risk interacting with students on such a difficult subject.”

Suzkiewicz, 38, isn’t Jewish, but she can relate to the Holocaust because her grandmother was a forced laborer in Germany. In Poland, where 90% of the country’s 3 million Jews were murdered in Nazi death camps, “historical facts put us in a spotlight, and this is something we will never escape,” she said.

“You cannot separate Jewish stories from Polish stories. At some point, I felt robbed because I wasn’t taught much about Jews at school, and so I wasn’t properly prepared for my visit to Auschwitz,” she said. “For many, the Holocaust is very distant. But atrocities are not that far away, and when the war in Ukraine broke out, they realized that Auschwitz can happen again.”

TOLI’s local partner in Serbia, Terraforming, was founded in 2008 by Miško Stanišić. A non-Jew born and raised in Sarajevo, Stanišić fled in 1992 during intense fighting between ethnic Serbs and Bosnians, taking refuge in the Netherlands and later Sweden. He now lives in Novi Sad, Serbia’s second-largest city that was home to a once-sizable Jewish community.

“I believe that the majority population should be in charge of protecting the minority, and giving voice to those who are weak,” he said.

Terraforming has also produced a series of educational graphic novels about the Holocaust based on biographies, said Stanišić.

“They’re not just stories, but combined teaching materials that include primary sources, maps and historical photos. It’s all digital,” he said. “We’re targeting youth from 10 years old up to young adults. There are obviously not enough visual resources to tell these stories.”

Nor are there many eyewitnesses to the Holocaust left in Serbia. In fact, said Stanišić, “just a handful, maybe 10 survivors all in their late 90s. That is why we invite the second generation.”

Maksimovic, the English teacher from Prokulje, became fascinated with the Holocaust after reading “The Letters of Hilda Dajč.” The graphic novel by Aleksandr Zograf is based on the recollections of a Jewish architecture student who volunteered to work as a nurse at the Nazi-run Staro Sajmište concentration camp and was later gassed there — along with 6,000 other women, children and elderly men — in the spring of 1942.

“Her letters really moved me. I compare her to Anne Frank,” Maksimovic said. “We’ve also had wars here and we know what genocide means. It’s very important to introduce this topic from an early age, so that it never happens again. And there’s a way to teach this to children, without the horror, in a way they’ll understand.”

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

A and G

Today is my dog G's birthday. He's 4. We got him in the early fall of 2020 when I couldn't take not having a dog anymore. Our first dog died in April of 2019, right after J's and my 14th wedding anniversary and immediately before the Boy's spring break at school. It was horrible. All of us cried. She was really, really old for a dog...14 at the absolute youngest she could be, but probably more like 16+. She was a rescue, so we didn't know her birthday when we got her, like we know G's.

Man, I was really busted up when she died. Just devastated. She was my first dog. J got her for our family when I was 27, never having been allowed to have a dog growing up. Up to that point, excepting only the grandparents who practically raised me and died when I was still a kid, it was the hardest loss of my life. I didn't know how to handle the grief; felt weak and guilty about the level and intensity of my grief about a dog, realizing with some shame that I was grieving her more than I did (or would) some human beings I was (or would be) expected to mourn. J and our son were obviously grieving too, and I didn't want to pile on or exacerbate theirs by talking about mine, so I called A. I didn't have to explain anything because A lived my same experience. He wasn't allowed to have a dog as a kid either. He got his first dog when he was 25; was crushed when he died. A just got me. His second dog died about a month after my first one did. Mutual tears. A had 4 dogs when he died; one of them he'd only had for barely more than a year. I think about those dogs all the time. About how much he loved all of them. About how they all got cheated. About how the dogs don't understand why A isn't around anymore. I feel like I have a lot in common with the dogs, honestly.

When we got G I sent A about 4000 pictures of him as a puppy, and told him stories about all the crazy shit G did as a puppy (and continues to do as a Big Boy Doggo). It was a lot of crazy shit. We traded puppy and dog pictures and stories a lot. When A came up here in the summer of 2021 right after everyone got vaccinated the first time, he met G. The only person not in our son's virtual school group or our immediate family to meet him. A fucking loved G. He loved all the stories about all the crazy shit. He loved how fucking annoyed I was when G seemed to do bad shit just to specifically fuck with me. (Like A did.) Once I threatened to drive G down to 'Uncle A's House' because he was being a particularly horrible little shit and A said, "You are welcome to do that, but if you do it, I will not give him back. 😝😂❤️ I love G! He's the best! 😍😂"

He is the best even though he's a scaredy-cat-goofball-psycho-clown who obstinately will not mind J outside and insists on eating any piece of inappropriate yard trash he can find. And I miss A. Bad. I fucking hate the knowledge that this time around, I can't call A when That Time comes for G. I like to think of myself as a grounded, realistic, and grateful person who knows and accepts the finite nature of things. Who doesn't take things for granted and make self serving assumptions about life. I'm not naive and deluded; I know we're all going to eventually die, and I know that you never know when anyone's time is going to be up, even with big screaming warning signs (like your dog is 16+ with advancing kidney disease and probably a neuro condition), and definitely when you don't have any (like when your healthy, under 50 bestie just fucking DIES when you talked to him 3 days ago and he literally said he and everyone he lived with were 'all good 👍'). But damn I still feel fucking cheated that my 45 year old human best friend did not outlive my dog. I honestly still feel fucking cheated that dogs even DIE.

Anyway I'm sad and missing both A and my first dog, but I still love our wacky shithead G and will celebrate the birthday he super doesn't understand with him today. I hope he lives to be 5000 in dog years.